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diff --git a/7827.txt b/7827.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..78a5b41 --- /dev/null +++ b/7827.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18888 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fan, by W.H. Hudson (AKA Henry Harford) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fan + +Author: W.H. Hudson (AKA Henry Harford) + + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7827] +This file was first posted on May 20, 2003 +Last Updated: June 3, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FAN *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Charles Franks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +FAN + +THE STORY OF A YOUNG GIRL'S LIFE + +By Henry Harford + +(W.H. Hudson) + + + + +NOTE + +The novel _Fan_ was originally published in 1892, under the pseudonym +of "Henry Harford." It now makes its appearance under the name of W.H. +Hudson for the first time. + +This edition is limited to 498 copies of which 450 copies are for sale. + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +A Misty evening in mid-October; a top room in one of the small dingy +houses on the north side of Moon Street, its floor partially covered +with pieces of drugget carpet trodden into rags; for furniture, an iron +bed placed against the wall, a deal cupboard or wardrobe, a broken iron +cot in a corner, a wooden box and three or four chairs, and a small +square deal table; on the table one candle in a tin candlestick gave +light to the two occupants of the room. One of these a woman sitting in +a listless attitude before the grate, fireless now, although the evening +was damp and chilly. She appeared strong, but just now was almost +repulsive to look at as she sat there in her dirty ill-fitting gown, +with her feet thrust out before her, showing her broken muddy boots. Her +features were regular, even handsome; that, however, was little in her +favour when set against the hard red colour of her skin, which told +of habitual intemperance, and the expression, half sullen and half +reckless, of her dark eyes, as she sat there staring into the empty +grate. There were no white threads yet in her thick long hair that had +once been black and glossy, unkempt now, like everything about her, with +a dusky dead look in it. + +On the cot in the corner rested or crouched a girl not yet fifteen years +old, the woman's only child: she was trying to keep herself warm there, +sitting close against the wall with her knees drawn up to enable her to +cover herself, head included, with a shawl and an old quilt. Both were +silent: at intervals the girl would start up out of her wrappings and +stare towards the door with a startled look on her face, apparently +listening. From the street sounded the shrill animal-like cries of +children playing and quarrelling, and, further away, the low, dull, +continuous roar of traffic in the Edgware Road. Then she would drop +back again, to crouch against the wall, drawing the quilt about her, +and remain motionless until a step on the stair or the banging of a door +below would startle her once more. + +Meanwhile her mother maintained her silence and passive attitude, only +stirring when the light grew very dim; then she would turn half round, +snuff the wick off with her fingers, and wipe them on her shabby dirty +dress. + +At length the girl started up, throwing her quilt quite off, and +remained seated on the edge of her cot, the look of anxiety increasing +every moment on her thin pale face. In the matter of dress she seemed +even worse off than her mother, and wore an old tattered earth-coloured +gown, which came down to within three or four inches of her ankles, +showing under it ragged stockings and shoes trodden down at heel, so +much too large for her feet that they had evidently belonged to her +mother. She looked tall for her years, but this was owing to her extreme +thinness. Her arms were like sticks, and her sunken cheeks showed the +bones of her face; but it was a pathetic face, both on account of the +want and anxiety so plainly written on it and its promise of beauty. +There was not a particle of colour in it, even the thin lips were almost +white, but the eyes were of the purest grey, shaded by long dark lashes; +while her hair, hanging uneven and disordered to her shoulders, was of a +pure golden brown. + +"Mother, he's coming!" said the girl. + +"Let him come!" returned the other, without looking up or stirring. + +Slowly the approaching footsteps came nearer, stumbling up the dark, +narrow staircase; then the door was pushed open and a man entered--a +broad-chested, broad-faced rough-looking man with stubbly whiskers, +wearing the dress and rusty boots of a labourer. + +He drew a chair to the table and sat down in silence. Presently he +turned to his wife. + +"Well, what have you got to say?" he asked, in a somewhat unsteady +voice. + +"Nothing," she returned. "What have you got?" + +"I've got tired of walking about for a job, and I want something to eat +and drink, and that's what _I've_ got." + +"Then you'd better go where you can get it," said she. "You can't find +work, but you can find drink, and you ain't sober now." + +For only answer he began whistling and drumming noisily on the table. +Suddenly he paused and looked at her. + +"Ain't you done that charing job, then?" he asked with a grin. + +"Yes; and what's more, I got a florin and gave it to Mrs. Clark," she +replied. + +"You blarsted fool! what did you do that for?" + +"Because I'm not going to have my few sticks taken for rent and be +turned into the street with my girl. That's what I did it for; and if +you won't work you'll starve, so don't you come to me for anything." + +Again he drummed noisily on the table, and hummed or tried to hum a +tune. Presently he spoke again: + +"What's Fan been a-doing, then?" + +"You know fast enough; tramping about the streets to sell a box of +matches. A nice thing!" + +"How much did she get?" + +To this question no answer was returned. + +"What did she get, I arsk you?" he repeated, getting up and putting his +hand heavily on her shoulder. + +"Enough for bread," she replied, shaking his hand off. + +"How much?" But as she refused to answer, he turned to the girl and +repeated in a threatening tone, "How much?" + +She sat trembling, her eyes cast down, but silent. + +"I'll learn you to answer when you're spoken to, you damn barstard!" he +said, approaching her with raised hand. + +"Don't you hit her, you brute!" exclaimed his wife, springing in sudden +anger to her feet. + +"Oh, father, don't hit me--oh, please don't--I'll tell--I'll tell! I got +eighteenpence," cried the girl, shrinking back terrified. + +He turned and went back to his seat, grinning at his success in getting +at the truth. Presently he asked his wife if she had spent eighteenpence +in bread. + +"No, I didn't. I got a haddock for morning, and two ounces of tea, and a +loaf, and a bundle of wood," she returned sullenly. + +After an interval of a couple of minutes he got up, went to the +cupboard, and opened it. + +"There's the haddy right enough," he said. "No great things--cost +you thrippence, I s'pose. Tea tuppence-ha'penny, and that's +fivepence-ha'penny, and a ha'penny for wood, and tuppence-ha'penny for +a loaf makes eightpence-ha'penny. There's more'n ninepence over, Margy, +and all I want is a pint of beer and a screw. Threepence--come now." + +"I've nothing to give you," she returned doggedly. + +"Then what did you do with it? How much gin did you drink--eh?" + +"As much as I could get," she answered defiantly. + +He looked at her, whistled and drummed, then got up and went out. + +"Mother, he's gone," whispered Fan. + +"No such luck. He's only going to ask Mrs. Clark if I gave her the +florin. He won't be long you'll see." + +Very soon he did return and sat down again. "A pint and a screw, that's +all I want," he said, as if speaking to himself, and there was no +answer. Then he got up, put his hand on her shoulder, and almost shook +her out of her chair. "Don't you hear?" he shouted. + +"Let me alone, you drunken brute; I've got nothing, I tell you," she +returned, and after watching his face a few moments settled down again. + +"All right, old woman, I'll leave you," he said, dropping his hands. But +suddenly changing his mind, he swung round and dealt her a heavy blow. + +She sprang up with a scream of anger and pain, and taking no notice +of Fan's piteous cries and pleadings, rushed at him; they struggled +together for some moments, but the man was the strongest; very soon he +flung her violently from him, and reeling away to some distance, and +unable to recover her balance, she finally fell heavily on to the floor. + +"Oh, mother, mother, he has killed you," sobbed Fan, throwing herself +down beside the fallen woman and trying to raise her head. + +"That I will, and you too," remarked the man, going back to his seat. + +The woman, recovering from the shock, struggled to her feet and sat +down again on her chair. She was silent, looking now neither angry nor +frightened, but seemed half-dazed, and bending forward a little she +covered her eyes with her hand. + +"Oh, mother, poor mother--are you hurt?" whispered Fan, trying to draw +the hand away to look into the bowed face. + +"You go back to your corner and leave your mother to me," he said; and +Fan, after hesitating a few moments, rose and shrank away. + +Presently he got up again, and seizing his wife by the wrist, dragged +her hand forcibly from her face. + +"Where's the coppers, you blarsted drunkard?" he shouted in her ear. +"D'ye think to get off with the little crack on the crown I've giv' you? +I'll do for you to-night if you won't hand over." + +"Oh, father, father!" cried the girl, starting up in an agony of terror. +"Oh, have mercy and don't hit her, and I'll go out and try to get +threepence. Oh, father, there's nothing in the house!" + +"Then go, and don't be long about it," he said, going back to his seat. + +The mother roused herself at this. + +"You sha'n't stir a step to-night, Fan," she said, but in a voice not +altogether resolute. "What'll come to you, going into the streets at +this time of night?" + +"Something grand, like what's come to her mother, perhaps," said he with +a laugh. + +"Not a step, Fan, if I die for it," retorted the mother, stung by his +words. But the girl quickly and with trembling hands had already thrust +on her old shapeless hat, and wrapped her shawl about her; then she took +a couple of boxes of safety matches, old and greasy from long use, and +moved towards the door as her mother rose to prevent her from going out. + +"Oh, mother, let me go," she pleaded. "It's best for all of us. It'll +kill me to stay in. Let me go, mother; I sha'n't be long." + +Her mother still protested; but Fan, seeing her irresolution, slipped +past her and was out of the door in a moment. + +Once out of the house she ran swiftly along the dark sloppy street until +she came to the wide thronged thoroughfare, bright with the flaring +gas of the shops; then, after a few moments' hesitation, walked rapidly +northwards. + +Even in that squalid street where she lived, those who knew Fan from +living in the same house, or in one of those immediately adjoining +it, considered it a disgraceful thing for her parents to send her out +begging; for that was what they called it, although the begging was made +lawful by the match-selling pretext. To them it was a very flimsy one, +since the cost of a dozen such boxes at any oil-shop in the Edgware +Road was twopence-three-farthings--eleven farthings for twelve boxes +of safety matches! The London poor know how hard it is to live and pay +their weekly rent, and are accustomed to make every allowance for each +other; and those who sat in judgment on the Harrods--Fan's parents--were +mostly people who were glad to make a shilling by almost any means; +glad also, many of them, to get drunk occasionally when the state of +the finances allowed it; also they regarded it as the natural and right +thing to do to repair regularly every Monday morning to the pawnbroker's +shop to pledge the Sunday shoes and children's frocks, with perhaps a +tool or two or a pair of sheets and blankets not too dirty and ragged to +tempt the cautious gentleman with the big nose. + +But they were not disreputable, they knew where to draw the line. Had +Fan been a coarse-fibred girl with a ready insolent tongue and fond of +horse-play, it would not have seemed so shocking; for such girls, and a +large majority of them are like that, seem fitted to fight their way +in the rough brutish world of the London streets; and if they fall and +become altogether bad, that only strikes one as the almost inevitable +result of girlhood passed in such conditions. That Fan was a shy, +modest, pretty girl, with a delicate type of face not often seen among +those of her class, made the case look all the worse for those who sent +her out, exposing her to almost certain ruin. + +Poor unhappy Fan knew what they thought, and to avoid exciting remarks +she always skulked away, concealing her little stock-in-trade beneath +her dilapidated shawl, and only bringing it out when at a safe distance +from the outspoken criticisms of Moon Street. Sometimes in fine +weather her morning expeditions were as far as Netting Hill, and as +she frequently appeared at the same places at certain hours, a few +individuals got to know her; in some instances they had began by +regarding the poor dilapidated girl with a kind of resentment, a feeling +which, after two or three glances at her soft grey timid eyes, turned to +pity; and from such as these who were not political economists, when +she was so lucky as to meet them, she always got a penny, or a +threepenny-bit, sometimes with even a kind word added, which made the +gift seem a great deal to her. From others she received many a sharp +rebuke for her illicit way of getting a living; and these without a +second look would pass on, little knowing how keen a pang had been +inflicted to make the poor shamefaced child's lot still harder to bear. + +She had never been out so late before, and hurrying along the wet +pavement, trembling lest she should run against some Moon Street +acquaintance, and stung with the thought of the miserable scene in store +for her should she be compelled to return empty-handed, she walked not +less than half a mile before pausing. Then she drew forth the concealed +matches and began the piteous pleading--"Will you please buy a box of +matches?" spoken in a low tremulous voice to each passer-by, unheeded by +those who were preoccupied with their own thoughts, by all others +looked scornfully at, until at last, tired and dispirited, she turned to +retrace the long hopeless road. And now the thoughts of home became at +every yard of the way more painful and even terrifying to her. What a +misery to have to face it--to have to think of it! But to run away and +hide herself from her parents, and escape for ever from her torturing +apprehensions, never entered her mind. She loved her poor drink-degraded +mother; there was no one else for her to love, and where her mother was +there must be her only home. But the thought of her father was like a +nightmare to her; even the remembrance of his often brutal treatment +and language made her tremble. Father she had always called him, but for +some months past, since he had been idle, or out of work as he called +it, he had become more and more harsh towards her, not often addressing +her without calling her "barstard," usually with the addition of one of +his pet expletives, profane or sanguineous. She had always feared and +shrunk from him, regarding him as her enemy and the chief troubler of +her peace; and his evident dislike of her had greatly increased during +her last year at the Board School, when he had more than once been +brought before a magistrate and fined for her non-attendance. When that +time was over, and he was no longer compelled by law to keep her at +school, he had begun driving her out to beg in the streets, to make good +what her "book-larning," as he contemptuously expressed it, had cost +him. And the miserable wife had allowed it, after some violent scenes +and occasional protests, until the illegal pence brought in each +day grew to be an expected thing, and formed now a constant cause of +wrangling between husband and wife, each trying to secure the lion's +share, only to spend it at the public-house. + +At last, without one penny of that small sum of threepence, which she +had mentally fixed on as the price of a domestic truce, she had got back +to within fifteen minutes' walk of Moon Street. Her anxiety had made her +more eager perhaps, and had given a strange tremor to her voice and made +her eyes more eloquent in their silent pathos, when two young men pushed +by her, walking fast and conversing, but she did not let them pass +without repeating the oft-repeated words. + +"No, indeed, you little fraud!" exclaimed one of the young men; while +his companion, glancing back, looked curiously into her face. + +"Stop a moment," he said to his friend. "Don't be afraid, I'm not going +to pay. But, I say, just look at her eyes--good eyes, aren't they?" + +The other turned round laughing, and stared hard at her face. Fan +reddened and dropped her eyes. Finally he took a penny from his pocket +and held it up before her. "Take," he said. She took the penny, thanking +him with a grateful glance, whereupon he laughed and turned away, +remarking that he had got his money's worth. + +She was nearly back to her own street again before anyone else noticed +her; then she met a very large important-looking gentleman, with a lady +at his side--a small, thin, meagre woman, with a dried yellow face, +wearing spectacles. The lady stopped very deliberately before Fan, and +scrutinised her face. + +"Come along," said her husband or companion. "You are not going to stop +to talk to that wretched little beggar, I hope." + +"Yes, I am, so please be quiet.--Now, my girl, are you not ashamed to +come out begging in the streets--do you not know that it is very wrong +of you?" + +"I'm not begging--I'm selling matches," answered Fan sullenly, and +looking down. + +"You might have known that she'd say that, so come on, and don't waste +more time," said the impatient gentleman. + +"Don't hurry me, Charles," returned the lady. "You know perfectly well +that I never bestow alms indiscriminately, so that you have nothing to +fear.--Now, my girl, why do you come out selling matches, as you call +it? It is only a pretext, because you really do not sell them, you know. +Do your parents send you out--are they so poor?" + +Then Fan repeated the words she had been instructed to use on occasions +like the present, which she had repeated so often that they had lost all +meaning to her. "Father's out of work and mother's ill, and I came out +because we're starving." + +"Just so, of course, what did you think she would say!" exclaimed the +big gentleman. "Now I hope you are satisfied that I was right." + +"That's just where you are mistaken, Charles. You know that I never give +without a thorough investigation beforehand, and I am now determined to +look narrowly into this case, if you will only let me go quietly on in +my own way.--And now, my girl," she continued, turning to Fan, "just +tell me where you live, so that I can call on your mother when I have +time, and perhaps assist her if it is as you say, and if I find that her +case is a deserving one." + +Fan at once gave the address and her mother's name. + +"There now, Charles," said the lady with a smile. "That is the test; +you see there is no deception here, and I think that I am able to +distinguish a genuine case of distress when I meet with one.--Here is a +penny, my girl"--one penny after all this preamble!--"and I trust your +poor mother will find it a help to her." And then with a smile and a nod +she walked off, satisfied that she had observed all due precautions in +investing her penny, and that it would not be lost: for he who "giveth +to the poor lendeth to the Lord," but certainly not to all the London +poor. Her husband, with a less high opinion of her perspicacity, for he +had muttered "Stuff and nonsense" in reply to her last remark, followed, +pleased to have the business over. + +Fan remained standing still, undecided whether to go home or not, when +to her surprise a big rough-looking workman, without stopping in his +walk or speaking to her, thrust a penny into her hand. That made up the +required sum of threepence, and turning into Moon Street, she ran home +as fast as those ragged and loose old shoes would let her. + +The candle was still burning on the table, throwing its flickering +yellow light on her mother's form, still sitting in the same listless +attitude, staring into the empty grate. The man was now lying on the +bed, apparently asleep. + +On her entrance the mother started up, enjoining silence, and held out +her hand for the money; but before she could take it her husband awoke +with a snort. + +"Drop that!" he growled, tumbling himself hastily off the bed, and Fan, +starting back in fear, stood still. He took the coppers roughly from +her, cursing her for being so long away, then taking his clay-pipe from +the mantelpiece and putting on his old hat, swung out of the room; but +after going a few steps he groped his way back and looked in again. "Go +to bed, Margy," he said. "Sorry I hit you, but 'tain't much, and we must +give and take, you know." And then with a nod and grin he shut the door +and took himself off. + +Meanwhile Fan had gone to her corner and removed her old hat and kicked +off her muddy shoes, and now sat there watching her mother, who had +despondently settled in her chair again. + +"Go to bed, Fan--it's late enough," she said. + +Instead of obeying her the girl came and knelt down by her side, taking +one of her mother's listless hands in hers. + +"Mother"--she spoke in a low tone, but with a strange eagerness in her +voice--"let's run away together and leave him." + +"Don't talk nonsense, child! Where'd we go?" + +"Oh, mother, let's go right away from London--right out into the +country, far as we can, where he'll never find us, where we can sit on +the grass under the trees and rest." + +"And leave my sticks for him to drink up? Don't you think I'm such a +silly." + +"Do--_do_ let's go, mother! It's worse and worse every day, and he'll +kill us if we don't." + +"No fear. He'll knock us about a bit, but he don't want a rope round +_his_ neck, you be sure. And he ain't so bad neither, when he's not in +the drink. He's sorry he hit me now." + +"Oh, mother, I can't bear it! I hate him--I hate him; and he _isn't_ +my father, and he hates me, and he'll kill me some day when I come home +with nothing." + +"Who says he isn't your father--where did you hear that, Fan?" + +"He calls me bastard every day, and I know what that means. Mother, _is_ +he my father?" + +"The brute--no!" + +"Then why did you marry him, mother? Oh, we could have been so happy +together!" + +"Yes, Fan, I know that _now_, but I didn't know it then. I married him +three months before you was born, so that you'd be the child of honest +parents. He had a hundred pounds with me, but it all went in a year; and +it's always been up and down, up and down with us ever since, but now +it's nothing but down." + +"A hundred pounds!" exclaimed Fan in amazement "And who was my father?" + +"Go to bed, Fan, and don't ask questions. I've been very foolish to say +so much. You are too young to understand such things." + +"But, mother, I do understand, and I want to know who my father is. Oh, +do--do tell me!" + +"What for?" + +"Because when I know I'll go to him and tell him how--how _he_ treats +us, and ask him to help us to go away into the country where he'll never +find us any more." Her mother laughed. "You're a brave girl if you'd do +that," she said, her face softening. "No, Fan, it can't be done." + +"Oh, please tell me, and I'll do it. Why can't it be done, mother?" + +"I can't tell you any more, child. Go to bed, and forget all about it. +You hear bad things enough in the street, and it 'ud only put badness +into your head to hear talk of such things." + +Fan's pleading eyes were fixed on her mother's face with a strange +meaning and earnestness in them; then she said: + +"Mother, I hear bad things in the street every day, but they don't make +_me_ bad. Oh, do tell me about my father, and why can't I go to him?" + +The unhappy woman looked down, and yet could hardly meet those grey +beautiful eyes fixed so earnestly on her face. She hesitated, and passed +her trembling fingers over Fan's disordered hair, and finally burst into +tears. + +"Oh, Fan, I can't help it," she said, half sobbing. "You have just his +eyes, and it brings it all back when I look into them. It was wicked of +me to go wrong, for I was brought up good and honest in the country; but +he was a gentleman, and kind and good to me, and not a working-man and +a drunken brute like poor Joe. But I sha'n't ever see him again. I don't +know where he is, and he wouldn't know me if he saw me; and perhaps he's +dead now. I loved him and he loved me, but we couldn't marry because he +was a gentleman and me only a servant-girl, and I think he had a wife. +But I didn't care, because he was good to me and loved me, and he gave +me a hundred pounds to get married, and I can't ever tell you his name, +Fan, because I promised never to name him to anyone, and kissed the Book +on it when he gave me the hundred pounds, and it would be wicked to +tell now. And Joe, he wanted to marry me; he knew it all, and took the +hundred pounds and said it would make no difference. He'd love you just +the same, he said, and never throw it up to me; and that's why I married +Joe. Oh, what a fool I was, to be sure! But it can't be helped now, and +it's no use saying more about it. Now go to bed, Fan, and forget all +I've said to you." + +Fan rose and went sorrowfully to her bed; but she did not forget, or +try to forget, what she had heard. It was sad to lose that hope of ever +seeing her father, but it was a secret joy to know that he had been kind +and loving to her poor mother, and that he was a gentleman, and not one +like Joe Harrod; that thought kept her awake in her cold bed for a long +time--long after Joe and his wife were peacefully sleeping side by side. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +That troubled evening was followed by a quiet period, lasting from +Wednesday to Saturday, during which there were no brawls indoors, and +Fan was free of the hateful task of going out to collect pence in the +streets. Joe had been offered a three or four days' job; he had accepted +it gratefully because it was only for three or four days, and for that +period he would be the sober, stolid, British workman. The pleasures of +the pot-house would claim him on Saturday, when he would have money in +his pockets and the appetite that comes from abstention. + +On Saturday morning after he had left the house at six o'clock, Fan +started up from her cot and came to her mother's side at the table. + +"Mother, may I go out to the fields to-day?" she asked. "I know if I go +straight along the Edgware Road I'll come to them soon. And I'll be home +early." + +"No, Fan, don't you try it. It's too far and'll tire you, and you'd be +hungry and maybe get lost." + +"Can't I take some bread, mother? Do let me go! It will be so nice to +see the fields and trees, and they say it isn't far to walk." + +"You're not fit to be seen walking, Fan. Wait till you've got proper +shoes to your feet, and a dress to wear. Perhaps I'll git you one next +week." + +"But if I wait I'll never go! He'll finish his work to-day and spend the +money, and on Monday he'll send me out just the same as before." + +And as she continued to plead, almost with tears, so intent was she on +this little outing, her mother at length gave her consent. She even got +her scissors to cut off the ragged fringing from the girl's dress to +make her look more trim, and mended her torn shoes with needle and +thread; then cut her a hunk of bread for her dinner. + +"I never see a girl so set on the country," she said, when Fan was about +to start, her thin pale face brightening with anticipation. "It's a +long tramp up the Edgware Road, and not much to see when you git to the +fields." + +There would be much to see, Fan thought, as she set out on her +expedition. She had secretly planned it in her mind, and had thought +about it by day and dreamed about it by night--how much there would be +to see! + +But the way was long; so long that before she got out of London--out of +that seemingly endless road with shops on either hand--she began to be +very tired. Then came that wide zone surrounding London, of uncompleted +streets and rows of houses partly occupied, separated by wide spaces +with brick-fields, market-gardens, and waste grounds. Here she might +have turned aside to rest in one of the numerous huge excavations, +their bottoms weedy and grass-grown, showing that they had been long +abandoned; but this was not the country, the silent green woods and +fields she had come so far to seek, and in spite of weariness she +trudged determinedly on. + +At first the day had promised to be fine; now a change came over it, the +sky was overcast with grey clouds, and a keen wind from the north-west +blew in her face and made her shiver with cold. Many times during that +long walk she drew up beside some gate or wooden fence, and leaned +against it, feeling almost too tired and dispirited to proceed further; +but she could not sit down there to rest, for people were constantly +passing in traps, carts and carriages, and on foot, and not one passed +without looking hard at her; and by-and-by, overcoming her weakness, +she would trudge on again, all the time wishing herself back in the +miserable room in Moon Street once more. + +At last she got beyond the builders' zone, into the country; from an +elevated piece of ground over which the road passed she was able to see +the prospect for miles ahead, and the sight made her heart sink within +her. The few trees visible were bare of foliage, and the fields, shut +within their brown ragged hedges, were mostly ploughed and black, and +the green fields were as level as the ploughed, and there was no shelter +from the cold wind, no sunshine on the pale damp sward. It was in the +middle of October; the foliage and beauty of summer had long vanished; +she had seen the shed autumn leaves in Hyde Park many days ago, yet she +had walked all the weary distance from Moon Street, cheered with the +thought that in the country it would be different, that there would +still be sunshine and shadow there, and green trees and flowers. It +was useless to go on, and impossible in her weak exhausted condition +to attempt to return at once. The only thing left for her to do was +to creep aside and lie down under the shelter of some hedge, and get +through the time in the best way she could. Near the road, some distance +ahead, there was a narrow lane with a rough thorny hedge on either side, +and thither she now went in quest of a shelter of some kind from the +rain which was beginning to fall. The lane was on the east side of the +road, and under the hedge on one hand there was an old ditch overgrown +with grass and weeds; here Fan crouched down under a bush until the +shower was over, then got out and walked on again. Presently she +discovered a gap in the hedge large enough to admit her body, and after +peering cautiously through and seeing no person about, she got into the +field. It was small, and the hedge all round shut out the view on every +side; nevertheless it was a relief to be there, safe out of sight of all +men for a little while. She walked on, still keeping close to the hedge, +until she came to a dwarf oak tree, with a deep hollow in the ground +between its trunk and the hedge; the hollow was half filled with fallen +dead leaves, and Fan, turning them with her foot, found that under the +surface they were dry, and this spot being the most tempting one she +had yet seen, she coiled herself up in the leafy bed to rest. And lying +there in the shelter, after eating her bread, she very soon fell asleep, +in spite of the cold. + +From her sleep, which lasted for some hours, she woke stiff and chilled +to the marrow. It was late in the day, and the occasional watery gleams +the sun shot through the grey clouds came from low down in the western +sky. She started up, and scarcely able at first to use her sore, cramped +limbs, set out on her return. She was hungry and thirsty and sore--sore +also in mind at her disappointment--and the gusty evening wind blew +chill, and more than one shower of rain fell to wet her; but she reached +Paddington at last. In the Edgware Road the Saturday evening market was +in full progress when she passed, too tired and miserable to take any +interest in the busy bustling scene. And by-and-by the dense moving +crowds, noise of bawling costermongers, and glare of gas and naphtha +torches were left behind, when she reached the welcome gloom and +comparative quiet of her own squalid street. There was also welcome +quiet in the top room when she entered, for her parents were out. A +remnant of fire was in the grate, and the teapot had been left on +the fender to keep warm. Fan poured herself out some tea and drank it +thirstily; then hanging her dress over a chair to dry by the heat of +the embers, and nestling into her rickety bed in the corner, she very +quickly fell asleep. From her sleep she was at length roused by Mrs. +Clark, the landlady, who with her husband and children inhabited the +ground-floor. + +"When did you come in, Fan?" she asked. + +"I think it was half-past seven," said the girl. + +"Well, your mother went out earlier than that, and now it's half-past +ten, and she not in yet. It's a shame for them always to stay out like +that when they've got a bit of money. I think you'd better go and see if +you can find her, and make her come in. She went to buy the dinner, +and look for Joe in Crawford Street. That's where you'll find her, I'm +thinking." + +Fan rose obediently, shivering with cold, her eyes still heavy with +sleep, and putting on her damp things went out into the streets again. +In a few minutes she was in Crawford Street. It is long, narrow, +crooked, and ill-paved; full of shops, but of a meaner description +than those in the adjacent thoroughfare, with a larger proportion of +fishmongers, greengrocers, secondhand furniture and old clothes sellers. +Here also was a Saturday evening market, an overflow from the Edgware +Road, composed chiefly of the poorer class of costermongers--the +vendors of cheap damaged fruits and vegetables, of haddock and herring, +shell-fish, and rabbits, the skins dangling in clusters at each end of +the barrow. Public-houses were numerous here; on the pavement before +them groups of men were standing, pipe in mouth, idly talking; these +were men who had already got rid of their week's earnings, or of that +portion they had reserved for their own pleasures, but were not yet +prepared to go home, and so miss the chance of a last half-pint of beer +from some passing still solvent acquaintance. There were other larger +groups and little crowds gathered round the street auctioneers, +minstrels, quacks, and jugglers, whose presence in the busier +thoroughfare was not tolerated by the police. + +It was late now, and the money spending and getting nearly over; +costermongers, some with half their goods still unsold, were leaving; +the groups were visibly thinning, the doors of the public-houses +swinging to and fro less frequently. As Fan hurried anxiously along, she +peeped carefully through the clouded window-panes into the "public bar" +department of each drinking place in search of her mother, and paused +for a few moments whenever she came to a group of spectators gathered +round some object of curiosity at a street corner. After satisfying +herself that her mother was not in the crowd, she would remain for a few +moments looking on with the others. + +At one spot her attention was painfully held by a short, dark, misshapen +man with no hands nor arms, but only the stump of an arm, with a stick +tied to it. Before him on a rough stand was a board, with half a dozen +thick metal wires stretched across it. Rapidly moving his one poor +stump, he struck on the wires with his stick and so produced a +succession of sounds that roughly resembled a tune. Poor man, how she +pitied him; how much more miserable seemed his life than hers! It was +cold and damp, yet the perspiration stood in great drops on his sallow, +wasted face as he violently wriggled his deformed body about, playing +without hands on his rude instrument--all to make a few pence to save +himself from starvation, or from that living tomb into which, with a +humanity more cruel than Nature's cruelty, we thrust the unfit ones away +out of our sight! No one gave him anything for his music, and with a +pang in her heart she hurried away on her quest. + +Not all the street scenes were ghastly or painful. She came to +one crowd, ranged motionless and silent before a large, fat, +dignified-looking man, in good broad-cloth garments, white tie, and +wearing a fez; he was calmly sitting on a camp-stool, and held a small +phial in one hand. Not a word did he speak for a long time. At length +one of the onlookers, a tipsy working-man, becoming impatient, addressed +him: + +"Ain't you going to do nothing, mister? Here I've been a-waiting with +these other ladies and gentl'men more'n ten minutes, and you ain't done +nothing yet, nor yet said nothing." + +The fat man placed a hand on his broad shirt-front, rolled up his eyes, +and solemnly shook his head. + +"Fools, fools!" he said, as if speaking to himself. "But what does +it matter to me if they won't be saved--if they'd rather die of their +complaints? In the East it's different, because I'm known there. I've +been to Constantinople, and Morocco, and everywhere. Let them ask the +heathen what I have done for them. Do they think I cure them for the +sake of their dirty pence? No, no; those that like gold, and jewels, and +elephants to ride on, can have it all in the East, and I came away from +there. Because why? I care more for these. _I_ don't ask them what's the +matter with them! Is there such a thing as a leper in this crowd? Let +them bring me a leper here, and I'll cure him for nothing, just to show +them what this medicine is. As for rheumatics, consumption, toothache, +palpitations of the 'art--what you like, that's all nothing. One drop +and it's gone. Sarsaparilla, and waters this, and pills that, what they +give their pence for, and expect it's going to do them good. Rubbish, I +call it. They buy it, as much as they can put in their insides, and die +just the same. This is different. Twenty years in the East, and this is +what I got. Doctors! I laugh at such people." + +Here, with a superior smile, he cast down his eyes again and relapsed +into silence. + +No one laughed. Then Fan heard someone near her remark: "He has +book-learning, that's what he has"; to which another voice replied, "Ah, +you may say it, and he has more'n that." + +Next to Fan stood a gaunt, aged woman, miserably dressed, and she, too, +listened to these remarks; and presently she pushed her way to the wise +man of the East, and began, "Oh, sir, my heart's that bad--" + +"Hush, hush! don't say another word," he interrupted with a majestic +wave of his hand. "You needn't tell me what you have. I saw it all +before you spoke." + +He uncorked the phial. "One drop on your tongue will make you whole for +ever. Poor woman! poor woman! how much you have suffered. I know it all. +Sixpence first, if you please. If you were rich I would say a hundred +pounds; but you are poor, and your sixpence shall be more to you in the +Day of Judgment than the hundred pounds of the rich man." + +With trembling fingers she brought out her money and counted out +fivepence-halfpenny. + +"It's ahl I have," she sorrowfully said, offering it to him. + +He shook his head, and she was about to retire when someone came forward +and placed a halfpenny in her hand. He took his fee, and then all +pressed closer round to watch with intense interest while a drop of +brown liquid was poured on to the poor woman's tongue, thrust far out so +that none of that balsam of life should be lost. After witnessing this +scene, Fan hurried on once more. + +At length, near Blandford Square, she came against a crowd so large that +nothing short of a fight, or the immediate prospect of one, could have +caused it to collect at that late hour. A temporary opening of the crowd +enabled her to see into the middle of it, and there, in a small space +which had been made for them, two women stood defiantly facing each +other. The dim light from the windows of the public-house they had been +drinking in fell on their heads, and she instantly recognised them both: +one was her mother, excited by alcohol and anger; the other a tall, +pale-faced, but brawny-looking woman, known in the place as "Long +'Liza," a noted brawler, once a neighbour of the Harrods in Moon Street, +but now just out of prison and burning to pay off old scores. In vain +Fan struggled to reach her mother; the ring of people closed up again; +she was flung roughly back and no regard paid to her piteous appeals and +sobs. + +It was anguish to her to have to stand there powerless on the outer edge +of the ring of people, to listen to the frantic words of the insult +and challenge of the two women and the cries and cheers of the excited +crowd. But it was plain that a war of words was not enough to satisfy +the onlookers, that they were bent on making the women come to blows. +The crowd increased every moment; she was pushed further and further +back, and in the hubbub could only catch portions of what the two +furious women were saying. + +"No, you won't fight, you ----; that's not your way, but wait till one's +down, and then.... And if you got six weeks with hard, it's a pity, I +say, as it wasn't six months.... But if I was a ---- blab like you I +could say worse things of you than you and your ---- Moon Street crew +can say of me any day.... And you'll out with it if you don't want your +head knocked on the stones for nothing.... Not by you, you ----; I'm +ready, if you want to try your strength with me, then we'll see whose +head 'ull be knocked on the stones.... Yes, I'll fight you fast enough, +but first.... If you'll have it, where's the girl you send into the +streets to beg? You and your man to git drunk on the coppers she gits! +More too if you'd like to hear it.... But you can't say more, nor that +neither, you ----.... Smash my teeth, then! Who was her father, or did +the poor fool marry you off the streets when he was drunk?" + +With a scream and a curse her antagonist sprang at her, and in a moment +they were striking and tearing at each other like a couple of enraged +wild animals. With a burst of cheering the people pressed closer +round, but after a few moments they interposed and forcibly pulled +the combatants apart. Not that there was any ruth in their hearts, any +compassionate desire to shield these two miserable women of their own +class from their insane fury; their only fear was that the fighters +would exhaust themselves too soon, encumbered as they were with their +jackets and shawls. Not one in the throng remembered that he had an +old mother, a pale-faced wife and little children at home, and sisters, +working-girls perhaps. For the working-man has a sporting instinct as +well as his betters; he cannot gratify it by seeing stripped athletic +men pounding each other with their fists at Pelican Clubs; he has only +the occasional street fight to delight his soul, and the spectacle of +two maddened women tearing each other is not one to be ungrateful for. + +Having pulled off their hats and stripped them to their corsets, their +friends and backers released them with encouraging words and slaps on +the back, just as dog-fighters set their dogs on each other. Again there +were yells and curses, tearing of hair and garments, and a blind, mad +rain of blows; until Long 'Liza, striking her foot on the curb, measured +her length on the stones, and instantly her adversary was down on her +chest, pounding her face with clenched fists. + +Groans and shouts of protest arose from the onlookers, and then several +of them rushed in and dragged her off, after which the two women were +set on their feet and encouraged to renew the fight. Round after round +was fought with unabated fury, invariably ending by one going down, to +be stamped on, beaten, and kicked by her opponent until rescued by the +spectators, who wished only to prolong the contest. But the last round +ended more disastrously; locked in a close tussle, 'Liza exerted her +whole strength to lift her antagonist from the ground and hurl her down, +and succeeded, falling heavily on her, then quickly disengaging herself +she jumped on her as if with the object of trampling her life out, when +once more the spectators rushed in and dragged her off, still struggling +and yelling with baffled rage. But the fallen woman could not be roused; +the back of her head had struck the edge of the kerbstone; she was +senseless, and her loosened hair becoming saturated with fast-flowing +blood. + +Fan, sobbing and pressing her hands together in anguish and terror, was +no longer kept back; as if by magic the crowd had dissipated, while half +a dozen men and women surrounded 'Liza and hurried her, still struggling +and cursing, from the ground. Fan was on her knees beside the fallen +woman, trying to raise her; but presently she was pushed roughly aside +by two policemen who had just arrived on the scene. Of the crowd, +numbering about a hundred and fifty persons, only a dozen or twenty men +still lingered on the spot, and some of these assisted the policemen in +raising the woman and bathing her head with cold water. Then, finding +that she was seriously injured, they put her into a four-wheeler and +drove off to St. Mary's Hospital. + +Left alone, Fan stood for a few moments not knowing what to do, then she +set off running after the cab, crying as she ran; but it went too fast +for her, and before she got to the end of Crawford Street it was out of +sight. Still she kept on, and at last, crossing Edgware Road, plunged +into a wilderness of narrow dark streets, still hoping to reach St. +Mary's not long after the cab. But though well acquainted with the +hospital, and all the streets leading to it, on this occasion she became +bewildered, and after wandering about for some time, and feeling utterly +worn-out with her long fatiguing day and the painful emotions she had +experienced, she sat down on a doorstep in a lonely dark street, not +knowing where she had got to. + +Then a poor woman came by and was able to direct her, and she hurried on +once more; but when close to the gate she met her father, who asked her +in a surly tone what she did there at that late hour. He had witnessed +the whole fight to the end, only keeping well in the background to +escape observation, and was just returning from the hospital when he met +Fan. Hearing that she was going to see her mother, he ordered her home, +saying that at the hospital they would admit no one at that hour, and +that she must go in the morning to inquire. Sick with grief and misery, +she followed him back to Moon Street, which they reached at about +half-past twelve. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday passed sadly and slowly enough, and at five +o'clock on the evening of the last day Fan was told at St. Mary's--that +Margaret Harrod was dead. During those three miserable days of suspense +she had spent most of her time hanging about the doors of the hospital, +going timidly at intervals to inquire, and to ask to be allowed to see +her mother. But her request was refused. Her mother was suffering from +concussion of the brain, besides other serious injuries, and continued +unconscious; nothing was to be gained by seeing her. + +Without a word, without a tear, she turned away from the dreary gates +and walked slowly back to Moon Street; and at intervals on her homeward +walk she paused to gaze about her in a dazed way, like a person who had +wandered unknowingly into some distant place where everything wore a +strange look. The old familiar streets and buildings were there, the +big shop-windows full of cheap ticketed goods, the cab-stand and +the drinking-fountain, the omnibuses and perpetual streams of' +foot-passengers on the broad pavement. She knew it all so well, yet now +it looked so unfamiliar. She was a stranger, lost and alone there in +that place and everywhere. She was walking there like one in a dream, +from which there would be no more waking to the old reality; no more +begging pence from careless passers-by in the street; no more shrinking +away and hiding herself with an unutterable sense of shame and +degradation from the sight of some neighbour or old school acquaintance; +no more going about in terror of the persecution and foul language +of the gangs of grown-up boys and girls that spent their evenings in +horse-play in the streets; no more going home to the one being she +loved, and who loved her, whose affection supplied the food for which +her heart hungered. + +Arrived at her home, she did not go up as was her custom to her +dreary room at the top, but remained standing in the passage near the +landlady's door; and presently Mrs. Clark, coming out, discovered her +there. + +"Well, Fan, how's mother now?" she asked in a kind voice. + +"She's dead," returned Fan, hanging her head. + +"Dead! I thought it 'ud be that! Dear, dear! poor Margy, so strong as +she was only last Saturday, and dead! Poor Margy, poor dear--we was +always friendly"--here she wiped away a tear--"as good a soul as ever +breathed! _That_ she was, though she did die like that; but she never +had a chance, and went to the bad all on account of him. Dead, and he on +the drink--Lord only knows where he gits it--and lying there asleep in +his room, and his poor wife dead at the hospital, and never thinking how +he's going to pay the rent. I've stood it long enough for poor Margy, +poor dear, because we was friends like, and she'd her troubles the same +as me, but I ain't going to stand it from him. That I'll let him know +fast enough; and now she's dead he can take himself off, and good +riddance. But how're _you_ going to live--begging about the street? A +big girl like you--I'm ashamed of such goings on, and ain't going to +have it in my house." + +Fan shook her head: the slow tears were beginning to fall now. "I'd do +anything for mother," she said, with a half sob, "but she's dead, and +I'll never beg more." + +"That's a good girl, Fan. But you always was a good girl, I must say, +only they didn't do what's right by you. Now don't cry, poor dear, but +run up to your room and lie down; you're dead tired." + +"I can't go there any more," murmured Fan, in a kind of despairing way. + +"And what are you going to do? He'll do nothing for you, but 'll only +make you beg and abuse you. I know Joe Harrod, and only wish he'd got +his head broke instead of poor Margy. Ain't you got no relation you know +of to go to? She was country-bred, Margy was; she come from Norfolk, I +often heard her say." + +"I've got no one," murmured Fan. + +"Well, don't cry no more. Come in here; you look starved and tired to +death. When my man comes in you'll have tea with us, and I'll let you +sleep in my room. But, Fan, if Joe won't keep you and goes off and +leaves you, you'll have to go into the House, because _I_ couldn't keep +you, if I wanted ever so." + +Fan followed her into her room on the ground-floor: there was a fire in +the grate, which threw a dim flickering light on the dusty-looking walls +and ceiling and the old shabby furniture, but it was very superior to +the Harrods' bare apartment, and to the poor girl it seemed a perfect +haven of rest. Retreating to a corner she sat down, and began slowly +pondering over the words the landlady had spoken. The "House" she had +always been taught to look on as a kind of prison where those who were +unfit to live, and could not live, and yet would not die, were put away +out of sight. For those who went to gaol for doing wrong there was hope; +not so for the penniless, friendless incapables who drifted or were +dragged into the dreary refuge of the "House." They might come out again +when the weather was warm, and try to renew the struggle in which they +had suffered defeat; but their case would be then like that of the +fighter who has been felled to the earth, and staggers up, half stunned +and blinded with blood, to renew the combat with an uninjured opponent. +And yet the words she had heard, while persistently remaining in her +mind, did not impress her very much then. She was tired and dazed, +and had nothing to live for, and was powerless to think and plan +for herself: she was ready to go wherever she was bidden, and ask +no questions and make no trouble. So she went and sat down in a dark +corner, without making any reply. With eyes closed and her tired +head resting against the wall, she remained for half an hour in that +impassive state, saying no word in answer to Mrs. Clark's occasional +remarks, as she moved about preparing the six o'clock meal. + +Then the husband came in, and being a silent man, said nothing when his +wife told him that Margaret was dead at the hospital. When she proceeded +to add that Joe would sell the sticks and go off, leaving Fan on their +hands, and that Fan would have to go to the House, he only nodded his +head and went on with his tea. + +Fan drank her tea and ate her bread-and-butter, and then once more +returned to her seat, and after some time she fell asleep, leaning her +head against the wall. She woke with a start two hours later to find +herself alone in the room, but there was still some fire in the grate, +and a candle burning on the table. The heavy steps of a man on the +stairs had woke her, and she knew that Joe Harrod was coming down from +his room. He came and knocked at the door. + +"Is Fan here?" he called huskily. "Where's the girl got to, I'd like to +know?" + +She remained silent, shrinking back trembling in her corner; and after +waiting a while and getting no answer he went grumbling away, and +presently she heard him go out at the street door. Then she sprang to +her feet, and stood for a while intently listening, with a terror and +hatred of this man stronger than she had ever felt before urging her to +fly and place herself for ever beyond his reach. Somewhere in this great +city she might find a hiding-place; it was so vast; in all directions +the great thoroughfares stretched away into the infinite distance, +bright all night with the flaring gas and filled with crowds of people +and the noise of traffic; and branching off from the thoroughfares there +were streets, hundreds and thousands of streets, leading away into black +silent lanes and quiet refuges, in the shadow of vast silent buildings, +and arches, and gateways, where she might lie down and rest in safety. +So strong on her was this sudden impulse to fly, that she would have +acted on it had not Mrs. Clark returned at that moment to the room. + +"Come, Fan, I've made you up a bed in my room, and if he comes bothering +for you to-night, I'll soon send him about his business. Don't you fear, +my girl." + +Fan followed her silently to the adjoining room, where a bed of rugs and +blankets had been made for her on four or five chairs. For the present +she felt safe; but she could not sleep much, even on a bed made +luxurious by warmth, for thinking of the morrow; and finally she +resolved to slip away in the morning and make her escape. + +At six o'clock next morning the Clarks were up, one to go to his work, +the other to make him his breakfast. When they had left the bedroom Fan +also got up and dressed herself in all haste, and after waiting till +she heard the man leave the house, she went into the next room, and Mrs. +Clark gave her some coffee and bread, and expressed surprise at seeing +her up so early. Fan answered that she was going out to look for +something to do. + +"It's not a bit of use," said the other. "They won't look at you with +them things on. Just you stop in quiet, and I'll see he don't worry you; +but by-and-by you'll have to go to the House, for Joe Harrod's not the +man to take care of you. They'll feed you and give you decent clothes, +and that's something; and perhaps they'll send you to some place where +they take girls to learn them to be housemaids and kitchen-maids, and +things like that. Don't you go running about the streets, because it'll +come to no good, and I won't have it." + +Fan had intended to ask her to let her go out and try just once, and +when once clear of the neighbourhood, to remain away, but Mrs. Clark had +spoken so sharply at the last, that she only hung her head and remained +silent. + +But presently the opportunity came when the woman went away to look +after some domestic matter, and Fan, stealing softly to the door, opened +it, and finding no person in sight, made her escape in the direction of +Norfolk Crescent. Skirting the neighbourhood of squares and gardens and +large houses, she soon reached Praed{035} Street, and then the Harrow +Road, along which she hurriedly walked; and when it began to grow light +and the shopkeepers were taking down their shutters, she had crossed +the Regent's Canal, and found herself in a brick-and-mortar wilderness +entirely unknown to her. + +Here she felt perfectly safe for the time, for the Clarks, she felt +sure, would trouble themselves no further about her, for she was nothing +to them; and as for Joe Harrod, she had heard them say that he would be +called that day to identify his wife's body at the inquest, and give his +evidence about the way in which she had met her death. + +About these unknown streets Fan wandered for hours in an aimless kind of +way, not seeking work nor speaking to anyone; for the words Mrs. Clark +had spoken about the uselessness of seeking employment dressed as she +was still weighed on her mind and made her ashamed of addressing any +person. Towards noon hunger and fatigue began to make her very faint; +and by-and-by the short daylight would fail, and there would be no food +and no shelter for the night. This thought spurred her into action. +She went into a small side street of poor mean-looking houses and a few +shops scattered here and there among the private dwellings. Into one of +these--a small oil-shop, where she saw a woman behind the counter--she +at last ventured. + +"What for you?" said the woman, the moment she put her foot inside the +door. + +"Please do you want a girl to help with work--" + +"No, I don't want a girl, and don't know anyone as does," said the woman +sharply; then turned away, not well pleased that this girl was no buyer +of an honest bundle of wood, a ha'porth of treacle, or a half-ounce of +one-and-four tea; for out of the profits of such small transactions she +had to maintain herself and children. + +Fan went out; but by-and-by recovering a little courage, and urged by +need, she went into other shops, into all the shops in that mean little +street at last, but nobody wanted her, and in one or two instances +she was ordered out in sharp tones and followed by sharp eyes lest she +should carry off something concealed under her shawl. + +Then she wandered on again, and at length finding a quiet spot, she sat +down to rest on a doorstep. The pale October sunshine which had been +with her up till now deserted her; it was growing cold and grey, and at +last, shivering and faint, she got up and walked aimlessly on once more, +resolving to go into the next shop she should come to, and to speak to +the next woman she should see standing at her door, with the hope of +finding someone at last to take her in and give her food and a place to +lie down in. But on coming to the shop she would pass on; and when she +saw a woman standing outside her door, with keen hard eyes looking her +from head to foot, she would drop her own and walk on; and at last, +through very weariness, she began to lose that painful apprehension of +the cold night spent out of doors; even her hunger seemed to leave +her; she wanted only to sit down and fall asleep and remember no more. +By-and-by she found herself again in the Harrow Road, but her brain was +confused, so that she did not know whether she was going east or west. +It was growing colder now and darker, and a grey mist was forming in the +air, and she could find no shelter anywhere from the cold and mud +and mist, and from the eyes of the passers-by that seemed to look so +pitilessly at her. The sole of one of her shoes was worn through, and +the cold flag-stones of the footway and the mud of the streets made +her foot numb, so that she could scarcely lift it. Near Paddington +Green--for she had been for some time walking back towards the Edgware +Road--she paused at the entrance of a short narrow street, running up +to the canal. It had a very squalid appearance, and a number of ragged +children were running about shouting at their play in it, but it was +better than the thoroughfare to rest in, and advancing a few yards, she +paused on the edge of the pavement and leant against a lamp-post. A +few of the dirty children came near and stared at her, then returned +to their noisy sports with the others. A little further on women were +standing at their doors exchanging remarks. Presently a thin sad-looking +woman, in a rusty black gown, carrying something wrapped in a piece of +newspaper in her hand, came by from the thoroughfare. She paused near +Fan, looked at her once or twice, and said: + +"What name be you looking for? The numbers is mostly rubbed off the +doors. Maybe they never had none." + +"I wasn't looking for anyone," said Fan. + +"I thought you was, seeing you standing as if you didn't know where to +go, like." + +Fan shook her head, feeling too tired to say anything. She had no +friend, no one she knew even in these poor tenements, and only wished +to rest a little there out of sight of the passing people. The woman was +still standing still, but not watching her. + +"Maybe you're waiting for someone?" she suggested. + +"No." + +"No? you're not." And after a further interval she began studying +the little loosely-wrapped parcel in her hand; and finally, with slow +deliberation, she unfolded it. It contained a bloater: she felt it +carefully as though to make sure that it had a soft roe, and then smelt +it to make sure that it was good, after which she slowly wrapped it +up again. "Maybe you've no home to go to," she remarked tentatively, +looking away from Fan as if speaking to some imaginary person. + +"No, I haven't," said Fan. + +"You don't look a bad 'un. P'r'aps they treated you badly and you ran +away." + +Fan nodded. + +"And you've no place to go to, and no money?" + +"No." + +Again the woman's eyes wandered absently away; then she began studying +the parcel, and appeared about to unfold it once more, then thought +better of it, and at last said, still speaking in the same absent +mournful tone: "I've got a room to myself up there," indicating the +upper end of the street. "You can come and sleep along with me, if you +like. One bloater ain't much for two, but there's tea and bread, and +that'll do you good." + +"Thank you, I'll come," said Fan, and moving along at her side they +walked about forty yards further on to an open door, before which stood +a dirty-looking woman with bare folded arms. She moved aside to let +them pass, and going in they went up to a top room, small and dingy, +furnished with a bed, a small deal table, one chair, and a deal box, +which served as a washing-stand. But there was a fire burning in the +small grate, with a kettle on; and a cottage loaf, an earthenware teapot +with half its spout broken off, and one cup and saucer, also a good deal +damaged, were on the table, the poor woman having made all preparations +for her tea before going out to buy her bloater. + +"Take off your hat and sit here," she said, drawing her one +cane-bottomed chair near the fire. + +Fan obeyed, putting her hat on the bed, and then sat warming herself, +too tired and sad to think of anything. + +Meanwhile her hostess took off her boots and began quietly moving about +the room, which was uncarpeted, finishing her preparations for tea. The +herring was put down to toast before the coals and the tea made; then +she went downstairs and returned with a second cup. Finally she drew the +little table up to the bed, which would serve as a second seat. It was +all so strangely quiet there, with no sound except the kettle singing, +and the hissing and sputtering of the toasting herring, that the +unaccustomed silence had the effect of rousing the girl, and she glanced +at the woman moving so noiselessly about the room. She was not yet past +middle age, but had the coarsened look and furrowed skin of one whose +lot in life had been hard; her hair was thin and lustreless, sprinkled +with grey, and there was a faraway look of weary resignation in her +dim blue eyes. Fan pitied her, and remembering that but for this poor +woman's sympathy she would have been still out in the cold streets, with +no prospect of a shelter for the night, she bent down her face and began +to cry quietly. + +The woman took no notice, but continued moving about in her subdued way, +until all was ready, and then going to the window she stood there gazing +out into the mist and darkness. Only when Fan had finished crying she +came back to the fireside, and they sat down to their tea. It was a +silent meal, but when it was over, and the few things washed and put +away, she drew the deal box up to the fire and sat down by Fan. Then +they talked a little: Fan told her that her mother was just dead, that +she was homeless and trying to find something to do for a living. The +woman, on her side, said she worked at a laundry close by. "But they +don't want no more hands there," she added, in a desponding way. "And +you ain't fit for such work neither. You must try to find something for +yourself to-morrow, and if you can't find nothing, which I don't think +you will, come back and sleep with me. It don't cost much to give you +tea, and I ain't owing any rent now, and it's company for me, so you +needn't mind." + +After this short conversation they went to bed and to sleep, for they +were both tired. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +The result of Fan's second day's search for employment proved no +more promising than the first. She wandered about the Westbourne Park +district, going as far west as Ladbroke Grove Road, still avoiding +the streets, gardens, and squares of the larger houses. But she was +apparently not good enough for even the humbler class of dwellings, +for no one would so much as ask her what she could do, or condescend to +speak to her, except in one house, to which she had been directed by a +woman in a greengrocer's shop; there she was scoffingly asked if she had +a "character" and decent clothes to wear. + +When the woman who had given her shelter on the previous evening +returned at five o'clock from her work, she found Fan in Dudley Grove, +for that was the beautiful name of the slum she lived in, standing, as +before, beside the lamp-post; and after a few words of greeting took +her to her room. While preparing the tea she noticed the girl's weak and +starved condition, for Fan had eaten nothing all day, and went out and +presently returned with a better supply of food--brawn, and salt butter, +and a bundle of water-cress--quite a variety. + +As on the evening before, they sat for a while by the small fire after +their meal, speaking a few words, and those not very hopeful ones, and +then presently they went to bed, and to sleep as soon as their heads +touched the pillow. After their modest breakfast next morning the woman +said: + +"Are you going back to your friends to-day?" + +Fan glanced at her in sudden fear and cast down her eyes. + +"You was tired and had nothing to eat yesterday, and couldn't git +nothing to do. Didn't it make you wish to go back to them again?" + +"No, I'll not go back. I've no friends," said Fan; and then she added +timidly, "You don't want me to come back here no more?" + +"Yes; you come back if you don't find nothing. The tea and bread ain't +much, and I don't mind it, and it's company to me to have you." + +And without more words they went out together, separating in the Harrow +Road. + +On this morning Fan took a different route, and going south soon found +herself in wide, clean streets, among very big stuccoed and painted +houses. It was useless to seek for anything there, she thought, and yet +presently something happened in this place to put a new hope into +her heart. It was very early, and at some of the houses the cooks or +kitchen-maids were cleaning the doorsteps, and while passing one of +these doors she was accosted by the woman and asked if she would clean +the steps. She consented gladly enough, and received a penny in payment. +Then she remembered that she had often seen poor girls, ill-dressed +as herself, cleaning the steps of large houses, and had heard that the +usual payment was one penny for the task. After walking about for some +time she began timidly ringing the area bells of houses where the steps +had not yet been cleaned, and asking if a girl was wanted to do them. +Almost invariably she was sent away with an emphatic "No!" from a +servant angry at being disturbed; but twice again during that day she +received a penny for step-cleaning, so that she had earned threepence. +After midday, finding she could get no more work, and feeling faint +with hunger, she bought a penny loaf, and going to a shelter facing +the fountains in Kensington Gardens, made her modest dinner, and rested +afterwards until it was time to return to Dudley Grove. + +In the evening as she sat by the fire after tea she gave an account of +her success, and exhibited the two remaining pence, offering them to the +poor woman who had sheltered her. + +She only shook her head. "You'll maybe want something to eat to-morrow," +she said; and presently continued, "Step-cleaning ain't no good. There's +too many at it. And you a growing girl, and always hungry, you'd starve +at it. Saturdays is not bad, because there's many houses where they only +clean the steps once a week, and they has a girl to do it. You might +make sixpence or a shilling on a Saturday. But other days is bad. You +can't live at it. There's nothing you can do to live." + +Fan was profoundly discouraged; but thinking over the subject, she +remembered that she had seen other girls out on the same quest as +herself that day, and though all of them had a dirty draggled look, as +was natural considering the nature of the work, some of them, at all +events, looked well-fed, healthy, and not unhappy, and this had made her +more hopeful. At last she said: + +"If other girls get their living at it, why can't I? If I could make +sixpence a day, couldn't I live on that?" + +"No, nor yet on ninepence, nor yet on a shilling. You're a tall growing +girl, and you ain't strong, and you are hungry, and want your dinner in +the middle of the day; and if you don't get it, you'll be down ill, and +then what'll you do? You can't do it on sixpence, nor yet on a shilling, +because you've got no home to go to, and must pay for a room; and no one +to find you clothes and shoes, you must buy them. Them girls you see are +stronger than you, and have homes to go to, and don't go about like +you to find steps to clean, but go to the houses they know, where +they always clean the steps. And they don't get only a penny; they get +tuppence, and make a shilling a day--some of them as knows many houses; +and on Saturdays they make more'n three shillings. But you can't do +it, because you don't know nobody, and have no clothes and no home, and +there's too many before you." + +It looked as if this poor woman had worked at step-cleaning herself for +a living, she was so pessimistic about it, and appeared to be so very +familiar with the whole subject. People never believe that a fortune +is to be made at any business in which they have been unsuccessful +themselves. + +Fan was discouraged, but there was nothing else for her to do, and it +was hard for her to give up this one chance. + +"Won't you let me try just a few days?" she asked at length. + +"Yes, you can try; but it ain't no use, there's so many at it. In a few +days your clothes'll be dropping off you, and then what'll you do? It's +rough work, and not fit for a girl like you. I don't mind, because your +tea don't cost much, and it's company to have you here, as it ain't all +giving, but it's give-and-take like between us." + +The same dreary words were repeated evening after evening, when Fan +returned from her daily peregrinations; but still the poor girl hoped +against hope, and clung desperately to the only occupation she had been +able to discover. It was a hard miserable life, and each succeeding day +only seemed to bring her nearer to the disastrous end prophesied by +the mournful laundrywoman of Dudley Grove. How weary she often was with +walking hour after hour, sometimes feeling so famished that she could +hardly refrain from picking up the orange-peels from the street to +appease the cruel pangs of hunger! And when she was more lucky and had +steps to clean, then the wet and grime of the hearthstone made her poor +gown more worn and soiled and evil-looking than ever, while her shoes +were in such a state that it was hard, by much mending every evening, to +keep them from falling to pieces. Every day seemed to bring her nearer +to the end, when she would be compelled to sit down and say "I can do no +more--I must starve"; yet with the little renewal of strength which +the evening meal and drearily-expressed sympathy of her friend and the +night's rest would bring her, she would go forth each morning to wander +about for another day. + +Ten or twelve days had gone by in this way, and acting on a little +practical advice given by the poor laundrywoman, she had forsaken the +neighbourhood of squares and big houses close to Hyde Park to go further +afield into the district lying west of Westbourne Grove, where the +houses were smaller, and fewer servants were kept in them. + +About ten o'clock one morning she stopped before a house in Dawson +Place, a wide clean street of pretty detached, moderate-sized houses, +each with a garden in front and a larger garden and trees behind. The +house had a trim well-kept appearance, and five or six broad white steps +led up to the front door, which was painted deep blue. Fan, looking +critically at the steps, could not make out whether they had been +already cleaned or not, so white and clean, yet dry, did they look. And +the steps of all the houses in Dawson Place had the same white look, +so that there seemed no chance of anything for her to do there; but +she felt tired already, and stood resting beside the area gate, not +venturing to ring. + +By-and-by the front door opened and a lady came out and down the steps, +and on reaching the pavement stood still and looked hard at Fan. She was +tall, and had a round shapely figure, a well-developed bust, and looked +about five-and-twenty years old. Fan thought her marvellously beautiful, +but felt a little frightened in her presence, she was so tall and +stately, and her face had such a frowning, haughty expression. Beautiful +women-faces had always had a kind of fascination for her--the gentle, +refined face, on which she would gaze with a secret intense pleasure, +and a longing to hear some loving word addressed to herself from a +sister with sweet lips, so strong that it was like a sharp pain at her +heart. The proud masterful expression of this beautiful face affected +her differently--she feared as well as admired. + +The lady was fashionably dressed, and wore a long dark blue velvet +jacket, deeply trimmed with brown fur, and under the shadow of a rather +broad fur hat her hair looked very black and glossy; her straight +eyebrows were also black, and her eyes very dark, full and penetrating. +Her skin was of that beautiful rich red colour not often seen in London +ladies, and more common in Ireland than in England. Her features were +fine, the nose slightly aquiline, the red lips less full, and the +mouth smaller than is usual in faces of so luxuriant a type; a shapely, +beautiful mouth, which would have been very sweet but for its trick of +looking scornful. + +"What do you want?" she said in a sharp imperative tone--just the tone +one would have expected from so imperious-looking a dame. + +"Please, do you want the steps cleaned?" Fan asked very timidly. + +"No, of course not. What an absurd little goose you must be to ask such +a thing! Servants are kept for such a purpose." + +For a few moments Fan still remained standing there, her eyes cast +down, then shyly glanced up at that richly-coloured beautiful face, and +encountered the dark strong eyes intently watching her. + +"Yes, you may clean them," said the lady. "When you have finished go +down to the kitchen, and tell the cook to pay you and give you something +to eat." Then she walked away, but after going about a dozen yards, came +back and sharply rang the area-bell to bring out the cook, and repeated +the order to her. + +"Very well, ma'am," said the cook, wiping her hands on her apron; but +she did not return at once to her kitchen, for her mistress was still +standing there watching Fan. + +"Never mind, cook, you needn't pay her," said the lady, speaking again. +"Let her wait in the kitchen till I return. I am going to the Grove, and +shall be back in half an hour." + +Then she walked away, her head well up, and with that stately bird-like +gait seen in some women. When Fan had finished the steps she went into +the kitchen, and the cook gave her some bread and cheese and a glass of +ale, which revived her and made her more strong and hopeful than she +had felt for many a day. Then she began to wonder what the fine lady was +going to say to her, and whether she would give her twopence instead of +the usual penny. Or perhaps it was intended to present her with an +old gown or pair of boots. Such things had happened, she knew, and the +thought that such a thing might happen again, and to her, made her heart +beat fast; and though it was so pleasant resting there in that bright +warm kitchen, she began to wish for the lady's return, so that her +suspense might end. And while she sat there occupied with her thoughts, +the cook, a staid-looking woman of about forty--the usual age of the +London cook--made up her fire and went about doing a variety of things, +taking no notice of her guest. + +Then the housemaid came running down the stairs singing into the +kitchen, dusting-brush and dust-pan in her hands--a pretty girl +with dark merry bright eyes, and her brown hair worn frizzled on her +forehead. + +"My!" she exclaimed, starting back at seeing Fan. And after surveying +her for some time with a mocking smile playing about the corners of her +pretty ripe mouth, she said, "Is this one of your poor relations, Mrs. +Topping?" + +"No, Rosie; that she ain't. The missus gave her the steps to clean, and +told her to wait here till she got back." + +The maid burst into a ringing peal of laughter. "Fancy, Miss Starbrow!" +she exclaimed. "Where do you come from?" she continued, addressing Fan. +"Whitechapel? Seven Dials?" + +Fan reddened with shame and anger, and refused to reply: stubborn +silence was her only shield against those who scoffed at her extreme +poverty; and that this pretty girl was mocking her she knew very +well. Then the maid sat down and stared at her, and amused herself and +fellow-servant with malicious comments on Fan's dress. + +"May I ask you, miss, where you got that lovely hat?" she said. "From +Madame Elise? Why, of course, how could I ask! I assure you it is most +charmingly becoming. I shall try to get one like it, but I'm afraid +I can't go beyond six guineas. And your shawl--a Cashmere, I see. A +present from her Majesty, no doubt." + +"Oh, do be quiet, Rosie; you'll kill me!" cried the cook, overcome with +laughter at such exquisite wit. But Rosie, seeing the effects of +it, only became more lively and satirical, until Fan, goaded beyond +endurance, started up from her seat, determined to make her escape. +Fortunately at that moment the lady of the house returned, and the maid +scampered off to open the door to her. Soon she returned and dropped Fan +a mocking curtsey. "Please follow me this way," she said. "Miss Starbrow +regrets that she has been detained so long, and is now quite ready to +receive you." + +Fan followed her up the kitchen stairs to the hall, where Miss Starbrow, +with her hat on as she had come in, stood waiting to see her. She looked +keenly at the girl's flushed and tearful face, and turned to Rosie for +an explanation; but that lively damsel, foreseeing storms, had already +vanished up the stairs. + +"Has she been teasing you?" said the lady. "Well, never mind, don't +think any more about it. She's an impudent hussy, I know--they all are, +and one has to put up with them. Now sit down here and tell me your +name, and where you live, and all about yourself, and why you go out +cleaning steps for a living." + +Then she also sat down and listened patiently, aiding with an occasional +question, while the girl in a timid, hesitating way related the +principal events in her unhappy life. + +"Poor girl!" was Miss Starbrow's comment when the narrative was +finished. She had drawn off her glove and now took Fan's hand in hers. +"How can you do that hard rough work with such poor thin little hands?" +she said. "Let me look at your eyes again--it is so strange that you +should have such eyes! You don't seem like a child of such people as +your parents were." + +Fan glanced timidly at her again, her eyes brightening, a red colour +flushing her pale cheeks, and her lips quivering. + +"You have an eloquent face--what do you wish to say?" asked the lady. + +Fan still hesitated. + +"Trust me, my poor girl, and I shall help you. Then is something in your +mind you would like to say." + +Then Fan, losing all fear, said: + +_"He_ was not my father--the man that married mother. My father was a +gentleman, but I don't know his name." + +"I can very well believe it. Especially when I look at your eyes." + +"Mother said my eyes were just like my father's," said Fan, with growing +confidence and a touch of pride. + +"Perhaps they are like his in one way, my poor girl," said the other, +a little frown clouding her forehead. "In another way they are very +different, I should think. No one who ever did a cruel thing could have +had that expression in his eyes." + +After sitting in silence for some time, still with that frown on her +beautiful face, her eyes resting thoughtfully on the tessellated floor, +she roused herself, and taking out her purse, gave Fan half-a-crown. + +"Go home now," she said, "and come again to-morrow at the same hour." + +Fan went from the door with a novel sense of happiness filling her +heart. At intervals she took out the half-crown from her pocket to +look at it. What a great broad noble coin it looked to her eyes! It was +old--nearly seventy years old--and the lines on it were blurred, and +yet it seemed wonderfully bright and beautiful to Fan; even the face +of George the Third on it, which had never been called beautiful, now +really seemed so to her. But very soon she ceased thinking about the +half-crown and all that it represented; it was not that which caused the +strange happiness in her heart, but the gentle compassionate words that +the proud-looking lady had spoken to her. Never before had so sweet +an experience come to her; how long it would live in her memory--the +strange tender words, the kindly expression of the eyes, the touch of +the soft white hand--to refresh her like wine in days of hunger and +weariness! + +It was early still in the day, and many hours before she could return +to Dudley Grove; and so she continued roaming about, and found another +doorstep to clean, and received threepence for cleaning it, to her +surprise. With the threepence she bought all the food she required. +The half-crown she would not break into; that must be shown to the poor +washer-woman just as she had received it. When the woman saw it in the +evening she was very much astonished, and expressed the feeling, if it +be not a contradiction to say so, by observing a long profound silence. +But like the famous parrot she "thought the more," and at length she +gave it as her opinion that the lady intended taking Fan as a servant in +her house. + +"Oh, do you really think so?" exclaimed Fan, becoming excited at the +prospect of such happiness. And after a while she added, "Then I'll +leave you the half-crown for all you've done for me." + +The poor woman would not listen to such a proposal; but next morning she +consented to take charge of it, promising, if Fan should not return, to +use it. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +Fan did not fail to be at Dawson Place at the time, or a little before +the time, appointed. "Oh, I hope that girl won't open the door when I +ring," she said to herself, giving the door-bell a little hesitating +pull. But the summons was promptly answered by the undesirable person +in question, and she greeted the visitor with a mocking curtsey. She had +little time, however, in which to make Fan miserable, for Miss Starbrow +was quickly on the scene, looking very gracious and very beautiful in a +dark red morning gown. + +"Come here and sit down," she said, placing herself in one hall chair +and making Fan take the other. "Now listen. Would you like to come and +live here as my servant? You are not fit for such a place, I know--at +all events, not at present; and I should not put you with the other +servants, and upstairs you could do nothing. However that does not +signify. The thing is this. If you would like to come and live with me +you must stay here now, and never go back to those places where you have +lived, and try if possible to forget all about them." + +"Oh yes, ma'am, I promise!" she replied, trembling with joy at the very +thought of escaping from that life of bitter want and anxiety. + +"Very well, that's settled then. Come this way with me." + +She then led the way to a large bath-room, a few steps above the +first-floor landing. + +"Now," she said, "undress yourself, and put all your clothes and hat and +shoes in a bundle in the corner--they are shocking to look at, and must +be taken away--and give yourself a hot bath. See, I am turning on the +water for you. That will be enough. And stay in as long as you like, +or can, and try not only to wash off all the dirt on your skin, but all +thought and recollection of Moon Street and Harrow Road and doorsteps, +and all the foul evil things you have seen and heard in your life; and +when you have washed all that off, Fan, and dried yourself, wrap this +shawl around you, and run into that open room you see facing the bath." + +Left to herself, Fan proceeded to obey the instructions she had +received. It was a great luxury to be in that smooth enamelled basin, +where she could lie at full length and move her limbs freely about, +experiencing the delicious sensation of the hot water over her whole +body at the same time. + +In the dressing-room she found her mistress waiting for her. There were +clothes there ready for her, and now, for the first time in her life, +she dressed herself in new, clean, sweet garments, over all a gown of +a soft grey material, loose at the waist, and reaching nearly to the +ankles--a kind of "Maid Marian" costume. There were also black stockings +and new shoes. Everything fitted well, although they had all been made +the day before by guess in Westbourne Grove. + +Miss Starbrow made her stand in the middle of the room, and turned +her round, while Fan glanced shyly at her own reflection in the tall +cheval-glass, almost wondering "if this be I." + +"Yes, that will do well enough for the present," said her mistress. +"But your hair is all uneven, Fan, and such lovely hair to be spoilt by +barbarous neglect. Let me cut it even for you, and by-and-by we'll find +out how to arrange it. Well, no; just now it looks best hanging loose on +your back. When it grows long again, we'll put it up. Now come here to +the light, and let me, see what you're like. Nearly fifteen years old, +and pale and very thin, poor girl, which makes you look tall. Golden +hair, good features, and a very pure skin for a girl who has lived a +grimy life. And your eyes--don't be afraid to show them, Fan. If you +had not looked at me yesterday with those eyes, I should have thought no +more about you. Long lashes. Eyes grey--yes, grey decidedly, though at +times they look almost sapphire blue; but the pupils are so large--that +is perhaps the secret of their pathetic expression. That will do. You +think it strange, do you not, Fan? that I should take you into my house +and clothe you--a poor homeless girl; for I don't suppose that you can +do anything for me, and you will therefore only be an extra expense. +A great piece of folly, my friends would probably say. But don't be +afraid, I care nothing for what others say. What I do, I do only to +please myself, and not others. If I am disappointed in you, and find you +different from what I imagine, I shall not keep you, and there will be +an end of it all. Now don't look so cast-down; I believe that you are at +heart a good, pure, truthful girl. I think I can see that much in +your eyes, Fan. And there is, after all, something you can do for +me--something which few can do, or do so well, which will be sufficient +payment for all I am doing for you." + +"Oh, ma'am, will you please tell me what it is?" exclaimed Fan, her +voice trembling with eagerness. + +"Perhaps you will do it without my telling you, Fan. I shall leave you +to think about it and find out what it is for yourself. I must only tell +you this; I have not taken you into my house because I am charitable and +like doing good to the poor. I am not charitable, and care nothing about +the poor. I have taken you in for my own pleasure; and as I think well +of you, I am going to trust you implicitly. You may stay in this room +when I am out, or go into the back room on this floor, where you can +look out on the garden, and amuse yourself with the books and pictures +till I come back. I am going out now, and at one o'clock Rosie will give +you some dinner. Take no notice of her if she teases you. Mind me, and +not the servants--they are nothing." + +Miss Starbrow then changed her dress and went out, leaving Fan to her +own devices, wondering what it was that she could do for her mistress, +and feeling a little trouble about the maid who would give her her +dinner at one o'clock; and after a while she went to explore that +apartment at the back Miss Starbrow had spoken of. It was a large +room, nearly square, with cream-coloured walls and dark red dado, and a +polished floor, partly covered with a Turkish carpet; but there was very +little furniture in it, and the atmosphere seemed chill and heavy, for +it was the old unrenewed air of a room that was never used. On a large +centre table a number of artistic objects were lying together in a +promiscuous jumble: Japanese knick-knacks; an ivory card-case that had +lost its cover, and a broken-bladed paper-knife; glove and collar and +work-boxes of sandal-wood, mother-of-pearl, and papier-mache, +with broken hinges; faded fans and chipped paper-weights; gorgeous +picture-books with loosened covers, and a magnificent portrait-album +which had been deflowered and had nothing left in it but the old and +ugly, the commonplace middle-aged, and the vapid young; with many other +things besides, all more or less defective. + +This round table seemed like an asylum and last resting-place of things +which had never been useful, and had ceased to be ornamental, which were +yet not quite bad enough to be thrown into the dust-bin. To Fan it was +a sort of South Kensington Museum, where she was permitted to handle +things freely, and for some time she continued inspecting these rich +treasures, after which she once more began to glance round the room. +Such a stately room, large enough to shelter two or three families, so +richly decorated with its red and cream colours, yet silent and cold and +dusty and untenanted! On the mantelpiece of grey marble stood a +large ornamental clock, which ticked not and the hands of which were +stationary, supported on each side by bronzes--a stalwart warrior in +a coat of mail in the act of drawing his sword, and a long-haired +melancholy minstrel playing on a guitar. A few landscapes in oil were +also hanging on the walls--representations of that ideal world of green +shade and peace which was so often in Fan's mind. Facing the fireplace +stood a tall bookcase, and opening it she selected a book full of poetry +and pictures, and took it to an old sofa, or couch, to read. The sofa +was under the large window, which had panes of coloured glass, and +remembering that Miss Starbrow had told her that it looked on to the +garden, she got on to the sofa and pushed the heavy sash up. + +There was a good-sized garden without, and trees in it--poplar, lime, +and thorn, now nearly leafless; but it was very pleasant to see them and +to feel the mild autumn air on her face, so pleasant that Fan thought +no more about her book. Ivy grew in abundance against the walls of the +garden, and there were laurel and other evergreen shrubs in it, and a +few China asters--white, red, and purple--still blooming. No sound came +to her at that quiet back window, except the loud glad chirruping of the +sparrows that had their home there. How still and peaceful it seemed! +The pale October sunshine--pale, but never had sunshine seemed +so divine, so like a glory shining on earth from the far heavenly +throne--fell lighting up the dark leaves of ivy and laurel, stiff and +green and motionless as if cut out of malachite, and the splendid red +and purple shields of the asters; and filling the little dun-coloured +birds with such joy that their loud chirping grew to a kind of ringing +melody. + +Oh, that dark forsaken room in Moon Street, full of bitter memories of +miserable years! Oh, poor dead mother lying for ever silent and cold in +the dark earth! Oh, poor world-weary woman in Dudley Grove, and all +the countless thousands that lived toiling, hungry, hopeless lives in +squalid London tenements--why had she, Fan, been so favoured as to be +carried away from it all into this sweet restful place? Why--why? Then, +even while she asked, wondering, thinking that it was all like a strange +beautiful dream, unable yet to realise it, suddenly as by inspiration +the meaning of the words Miss Starbrow had spoken to her flashed into +her mind; and the thought made her tremble, the blood rushed to her +face, and she felt her eyes growing dim with tears of joy. Was it +true, could it be true, that this proud, beautiful lady--how much more +beautiful now to Fan's mind than all other women!--really loved her, and +that to be loved was all she desired in return? She was on her knees on +the sofa, her arms resting on the window-sill, and forgetful now of the +sunshine and leaves and flowers, and of the birds on the brown twigs +talking together in their glad ringing language, she closed her eyes and +resigned herself wholly to this delicious thought. + +"Oh, here you are, sly little cat! Who said you might come into this +room?" + +Fan, starting up in alarm, found herself confronted with the pretty +housemaid. But the pretty eyes were sparkling vindictively, the breath +coming short and quick, and the pretty face was white with resentment. + +"The lady told me to come here," returned Fan, still a little +frightened. + +"Oh, did she! and pray what else did she tell you? And don't lie, +because I shall find you out if you do." + +Fan was silent. + +"You won't speak, you little sneak! When your mistress is out you must +mind _me_--do you hear? Go instantly and take your filthy rags to the +dust-bin, and ask cook for a bottle of carbolic acid to throw over them. +We don't want any of your nasty infectious fevers brought here, if you +please." + +Fan hesitated a few moments, and then replied, "I'll only do what the +lady tells me." + +"You'll only do what the lady tells you!" she repeated, with a mocking +whine. Then, in unconscious imitation of the scornful caterpillar in the +wonderful story of Alice, she added, "You! And who are _you_! Shall I +tell you what you are? A filthy, ragged little beggar picked out of the +gutter, a sneaking area thief, put into the house for a spy! You vile +cat, you! A starving mangy cur! Yes, I'll give you your dinner; I'll +feed you on swill and dog-biscuits, and that's better than you ever had +in your life. You, a diseased, pasty-faced little street-walker, too +bad even for the slums, to keep you, to be dressed up and waited on by +respectable servants! How dare you come into this house! I'd like to +wring your miserable sick-chicken's neck for you!" + +She was in a boiling rage, and stamped her foot and poured out her +words so rapidly that they almost ran into each other; but Fan's whole +previous life had served to make her indifferent to hard words, however +unjust, and the housemaid's torrent of abuse had not the least effect. + +Rosie, on her side, finding that her rage was wasted, sat down to +recover herself, and then began to jeer at her victim, criticising her +appearance, and asking her for the cast-off garments--"for which +your la'ship will have no further use." Finding that her ridicule was +received in the same silent passive way, she became more demonstrative. +"Somebody's been trimming you," she said. "I s'pose Miss Starbrow was +your barber--a nice thing for a lady! Well, I never! But there's one +thing she forgot. Here's a pair of scissors. Now, little sick monkey, +sit still while I trim your eyelashes. It'll be a great improvement, +I'm sure. Oh, you won't! Well, then I'll soon make you." And putting the +pair of small scissors between her lips, she seized Fan by the arms and +tried to force her down on the sofa. Fan resisted silently and with all +her strength, but her strength was by no means equal to Rosie's, and +after a desperate struggle she was overcome and thrown on to the couch. + +"Now, will you be quiet and let me trim you!" said the maid. + +"No." + +In speaking, Rosie had dropped the scissors from her mouth, and not +being able to use her hands occupied in holding her victim down, she +could do nothing worse than make faces, thrust out her tongue, and +finally spit at Fan. Then she thought of something better. "If you won't +be quiet and let me trim you," she said, "I'll pinch your arms till +they're black and blue." + +No reply being given, she proceeded to carry out her threat, and Fan set +her teeth together and turned her face away to hide the tears. At length +the other, tired of the struggle, released her. Fan bared her arm, +displaying a large discoloration, and moistened it with her mouth to +soothe the pain. She had a good deal of experience in bruises. "It'll be +black by-and-by," she said, "and I'll show it to the lady when she comes +back." + +"Oh, you'll show it to her, you little tell-tale sneak! Then I'll be +even with you and put rat's-bane in your dinner." + +"Why don't you leave me alone, then?" said Fan. + +Rosie considered for some time, and finally said, "I'll leave you alone +if you'll tell me what you are here for--everything about yourself, +mind, and no lies; and what Miss Starbrow is going to do with you." + +"I don't know, and I sha'n't say a word more," returned Fan, whereupon +Rosie slapped her face and ran out of the room. + +In spite of the rough handling she had been subjected to, and the pain +in her arm, Fan very soon recovered her composure. Her happiness was too +great to be spoiled by so small a matter, and very soon she returned to +her place at the open window and to her pleasant thoughts. + +About midday the maid came again bringing a tray. "Here's your food, +starved puppy; lap it up, and may it choke you," she said, and left the +room. + +After she had been gone a few minutes, Fan, beginning to feel hungry, +went to the table, and found a plate of stewed meat and vegetables, +with bread and cheese, and a glass of ale. But over it all Rosie had +carefully sprinkled ashes, and had also dropped a few pinches into the +ale, making it thick and muddy. Now, although on any previous day of her +hungry orphaned existence she would have wiped off the ashes and eaten +the food, on this occasion she determined not to touch it. Her new +surroundings and dress, and the thought that she was no longer without +someone to care for her, had served to inspire in her a pride which was +stronger than hunger. Presently she noticed that the door had a key to +it, and in her indignation at the maid's persecution she ran and locked +it, resolved to let the dinner remain there untasted until Miss Starbrow +should return. + +Presently Rosie came back, and finding the door locked, began knocking +and calling. "Open, you cat!" she cried. "I must take the things down, +now you've gobbled up your pig's food. Open, you spiteful little devil!" + +"I haven't touched the dinner, and I sha'n't open the door till the lady +comes," she answered, and would say no more. + +After a good deal more abuse, Rosie in despair went away; but presently +the cook came up, and Fan opened to her. She had a second supply of food +and beer, without any ashes in it this time, and put it on the table. +"Now, have your dinner, miss," she said, with mock humility. She was +taking away the first tray, but at the door she paused and, looking +back, said, "You won't say nothing to the missus, will you, miss?" + +"If she'll let me be I'll not say anything," said Fan. + +"Very well, miss, she won't trouble you no more. But, lors, she +don't mean no harm; it's only her little funny ways." And having thus +explained and smoothed matters over, she went off to the kitchen. + +About five o'clock Miss Starbrow came in and found Fan still sitting by +the open window in the darkening room. + +"Why, my poor girl, you must be half frozen," she said, coming to the +sofa. + +But how little Fan felt the chill evening air, when she started up at +the kind greeting, her eyes brightening and her face flushing with that +strange new happiness now warming her blood and making her heart beat +quick! + +"Oh no, ma'am, I'm not a bit cold," she said. + +The other pulled off her glove and touched the girl's cheek with her +fingers. + +"Your skin feels cold enough, anyhow," she returned. "Come into my room; +it is warmer there." + +Fan followed into the adjoining large bedroom, where a bright fire was +burning in the grate; and Miss Starbrow, taking off her hat and cloak, +sat down. After regarding the girl for some time in silence, she said +with a little laugh, "What can I do with you, Fan?" + +Fan was troubled at this, and glanced anxiously at the other's face, +only to drop her eyes abashed again; but at last, plucking up a little +courage, she said: + +"Will you please let me do something in the house, ma'am?" And after a +few moments she added, "I wish I could do something, and--and be your +servant." + +Miss Starbrow laughed again, and then frowned a little and sat silent +for some time. + +"The fact is," she said at length, "now that you are here I don't quite +know what to do with you. However, that doesn't signify. I took you for +my own pleasure, and it doesn't make much difference to have you in the +house, and if it did I shouldn't care. But you must look after yourself +for the present, as I have just got rid of one servant and there are +only two to do everything. They are anxious for me not to engage a +third just now, and prefer to do all the work themselves, which means, I +suppose, that there will be more plunder to divide between them." + +"And can't I help, ma'am?" said Fan, whose last words had not yet been +answered. + +"I fancy you would look out of place doing housework," said Miss +Starbrow. "It strikes me that you are not suited for that sort of thing. +If it hadn't been so, I shouldn't have noticed you. The only way in +which I should care to employ you would be as lady's-maid, and for that +you are unfit. Perhaps I shall have you taught needlework and that kind +of thing by-and-by, but I am not going to bother about it just now. For +the present we must jog along just how we can, and you must try to make +yourself as happy as you can by yourself." + +Just then the housemaid came up with tea for her mistress. + +"Get me another cup--a large one, and some more bread-and-butter," said +Miss Starbrow. + +"The young person's tea is in the back room, ma'am," returned Rosie, +with a tremor in her voice. + +Miss Starbrow looked at her, but without speaking; the maid instantly +retired to obey the order, and when she set the cup and plate of +bread-and-butter on the tray her hand trembled, while her mistress, +with a slight smile on her lips, watched her face, white with suppressed +rage. + +After tea, during which Miss Starbrow had been strangely kind and gentle +to the girl, she said: + +"Perhaps you can help me take off my dress, Fan, and comb out my hair." + +This was strange work for Fan, but her intense desire to do something +for her mistress partly compensated for her ignorance and awkwardness, +and after a little while she found that combing those long rich black +tresses was an easy and very delightful task. Miss Starbrow sat with +eyes half-closed before the glass, only speaking once or twice to tell +Fan not to hurry. + +"The longer you are with my hair the better I like it," she said. + +Fan was only too glad to prolong the task; it was such a pleasure to +feel the hair of this woman who was now so much to her; if the glass had +not been before them--the glass in which from time to time she saw +the half-closed eyes studying her face--she would more than once have +touched the dark tresses she held in her hand to her lips. + +Miss Starbrow, however, spoke no more to her, but finishing her dressing +went down to her seven o'clock dinner, leaving Fan alone by the fire. +After dinner she came up again and sat by the bedroom fire in the dark +room. Then Rosie came up to her. + +"Captain Horton is in the drawing-room, ma'am," she said. + +Miss Starbrow rose to go to her visitor. + +"You can stay where you are, Fan, until bed-time," she said. "And +by-and-by the maid will give you some supper in the back room. Is Rosie +impudent to you--how has she been treating you to-day?" + +Fan was filled with distress, remembering her promise, and cast down her +eyes. + +"Very well, say nothing; that's the best way, Fan. Take no notice of +what anyone says to you. Servants are always vile, spiteful creatures, +and will act after their kind. Good-night, my girl," and with that she +went downstairs. + +Fan sat there for half an hour longer in the grateful twilight and +warmth of that luxurious room, and then Rosie's voice startled her +crying at the door: + +"Doggie! doggie! come and have its supper." + +Fan got up and went to the next room, where her supper and a lighted +lamp were on the centre table. Rosie followed her. + +"Can you tell the truth?" she said. + +"Yes," returned Fan. + +"Well, then, have you told Miss Starbrow?" + +"No." + +"Did she ask you anything?" + +"Yes, and I didn't tell her." + +"Oh, how very kind!" said Rosie; and giving her a box on the ear, ran +out of the room. + +Not much hurt, and not caring much, Fan sat down to her supper. +Returning to the bedroom she heard the sound of the piano, and paused on +the landing to listen. Then a fine baritone voice began singing, and was +succeeded by a woman's voice, a rich contralto, for they were singing +a duet; and voice following voice, and anon mingling in passionate +harmony, the song floated out loud from the open door, and rose and +seemed to fill the whole house, while Fan stood there listening, +trembling with joy at the sound. + +The singing and playing continued for upwards of an hour, and Fan still +kept her place, until the maid came up with a candle to show her to +her bedroom. They went up together to the next floor into a small +neatly-furnished room which had been prepared for her. + +"Here's your room," said Rosie, setting down the candle on the table, +"and now I'm going to give you a good spanking before you go to bed." + +"If you touch me again I'll scream and tell Miss Starbrow everything," +said Fan, plucking up a spirit. + +Rosie shut and locked the door. "Now you can scream your loudest, cat, +and she'll not hear a sound." + +For a few moments Fan did not know what to do to save herself; then +all at once the memory of some old violent wrangle came to her aid, +and springing forward she blew out the candle and softly retreated to a +corner of the room, where she remained silent and expectant. + +"You little wretch!" exclaimed the other. "Speak, or I'll kill you!" But +there was no answer. For some time Rosie stumbled about until she found +the door, and after some jeering words retreated downstairs, leaving Fan +in the dark. + +She had defeated her enemy this time, and quickly locking the door, went +to bed without a light. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +The next few days, although very sweet and full to Fan, were uneventful; +then, early on a Wednesday evening, once more Miss Starbrow made her sit +with her at her bedroom fire and talked to her for a long time. + +"What did you tell me your name is?" she asked. + +"Frances Harrod." + +"I don't like it. I call it _horrid_. It was only your stepfather's name +according to your account, and I must find you a different one. Do you +know what your mother's name was--before she married, I mean?" + +"Oh yes, ma'am; it was Margaret Affleck." + +"Affleck. It is not common and not ugly. Frances Affleck--that sounds +better. Yes, that will do; your name, as long as you live with me, shall +be Affleck; you must not forget that." + +"No, ma'am," Fan replied humbly. But she had some doubts, and after a +while said, "But can you change my name, ma'am?" + +"Change your name! Why, of course I can. It is just as easy to do that +as to give you a new dress; easier in fact. And what do you know, Fan? +What did they teach you at the Board School? Reading, I suppose; very +well, take this book and read to me." + +She took the book, but felt strangely nervous at this unexpected call to +display her accomplishments, and began hurriedly reading in a low voice. + +Miss Starbrow laughed. + +"I can't stand that, Fan," she said. "You might be gabbling Dutch or +Hindustani. And you are running on without a single pause. Even a bee +hovering about the flowers has an occasional comma, or colon, or +full stop in its humming. Try once more, but not so fast and a little +louder." + +The good-humoured tone in which she spoke served to reassure Fan; and +knowing that she could do better, and getting over her nervousness, she +began again, and this time Miss Starbrow let her finish the page. + +"You _can_ read, I find. Better, I think, than any of the maids I have +had. You have a very nice expressive voice, and you will do better when +you read a book through from the beginning, and feel interested in it. I +shall let you read every day to me. What else did you learn--writing?" + +"Yes, ma'am, I always got a high mark for that. And we had Scripture +lessons, and grammar, and composition, and arithmetic, and geography; +and when I was in the fifth form I had history and drawing." + +"History and drawing--well, what next, I wonder! That's what we are +taxed a shilling in the pound for, to give education to a--well, never +mind. But can you really draw, Fan? Here's pencil and paper, just draw +something for me." + +"What shall I draw, ma'am?" she said, taking the pencil and feeling +nervous again. + +"Oh, anything you like." + +Now it happened that her drawing lessons had always given her more +pleasure than anything else at school, but owing to Joe Harrod's +having taken her away as soon as he was allowed to do so, they had not +continued long. Still, even in a short time she had made some progress; +and even after leaving school she had continued to find a mournful +pleasure in depicting leaf and flower forms. Left to choose her own +subject, she naturally began sketching a flower--a-rosebud, half-open, +with leaves. + +"Don't hurry, Fan, as you did with your reading. The slower you are the +better it will be," said Miss Starbrow, taking up a volume and beginning +to read, or pretending to read, for her eyes were on the face of the +girl most of the time. + +Fan, happily unconscious of the other's regard, gave eight or ten +minutes to her drawing, and then Miss Starbrow took it in her hands to +examine it. + +"This is really very well done," she said, "but what in goodness' name +did they teach you drawing for!' What would be the use of it after +leaving school? Well, yes, it might be useful in one way. It astonishes +me to think how you were trying to live, Fan. You were certainly not fit +for that hard rough work, and would have starved at it. You were made, +body and mind, in a more delicate mould, and for something better. I +think that with all you have learnt at school, and with your appearance, +especially with those truthful eyes of yours and that sweet voice, you +might have got a place as nursery governess, to teach small children, or +something of that sort. Why did you go starving about the streets, Fan?" + +"But no one would take me with such clothes, ma'am. They wouldn't look +at me or speak to me even in the little shops where I went to ask for +work." + +Miss Starbrow uttered a curious little laugh. + +"What a strange thing it seems," she said, "that a few shillings to buy +decent clothes may alter a person's destiny. With the shillings--about +as many as the man of God pays for his sirloin--shelter from the weather +and temptations to evil, three meals a day, a long pleasant life, +husband and children, perhaps, and at last--Heaven. And without them, +rags and starvation and the streets, and--well, this is a question for +the mighty intellect of a man and a theologian, not for mine. I dare say +you don't know what I'm talking about, Fan?" + +"Not all, ma'am, but I think I understand a little." + +"Very little, I should think. Don't try to understand too much, my +poor girl. Perhaps before you are eighty, if you live so long, you will +discover that you didn't even understand a little. Ah, Fan, you have +been sadly cheated by destiny! Childhood without joy, and girlhood +without hope. I wish I could give you happiness to make up for it all, +but I can't be Providence to anyone." + +"Oh, ma'am, you have made me so happy!" exclaimed Fan, the tears +springing to her eyes. + +Miss Starbrow frowned a little and turned her face aside. Then she said: + +"Just because I fed and dressed and sheltered you, Fan--does happiness +come so easily to you?" + +"Oh no, ma'am, not that--it isn't that," with such keen distress that +she could scarcely speak without a sob. + +"How then have I made you happy? Will you not answer me? I took you +because I believed that you would trust me, and always speak openly from +your heart, and hide nothing." + +"Oh, ma'am, I'm afraid to say it. I was so happy because I +thought--because--" and here she sunk her voice to a trembling +whisper--"I thought that you loved me." + +Miss Starbrow put her arm round the girl's waist and drew her against +her knees. + +"Your instinct was not at fault, Fan," she said in a caressing tone. "I +_do_ love you, and loved you when I saw you in your rags, and it pained +my heart when I told you to clean my doorsteps as if you had been my +sister. No, not a sister, but something better and sweeter; my sisters +I do not love at all. And do you know now what I meant, Fan, when I said +that there was something you could do for me?" + +"I think I know," returned Fan, still troubled in her mind and anxious. +"It was that made me feel so happy. I thought--that you wanted me to +love you." + +"You are right, my dear girl; I think that I made no mistake when I took +you in." + +On that evening Fan had tea with her mistress, and afterwards, earlier +than usual, was allowed to comb her hair out--a task which gave her the +greatest delight. Miss Starbrow then put on an evening dress, which Fan +now saw for the first time, and was filled with wonder at its richness +and beauty. It was of saffron-coloured silk, trimmed with black lace; +but she wore no ornaments with it, except gold bracelets on her round +shapely arms. + +"What makes you stare so, Fan?" she said with a laugh, as she stood +surveying herself in the tall glass, and fastening the bracelets on. + +"Oh, ma'am, you do look so beautiful in that dress! Are you going to the +theatre to-night?" + +"No, Fan. On Wednesday evenings I always have a number of friends come +in to see me--all gentlemen. I have very few lady friends, and care very +little for them. And, now I think of it, you can sit up to-night until I +tell you to go to bed." + +"Yes, ma'am." + +Miss Starbrow was moving towards the door. Then she paused, and finally +came back and sat down again, and drew Fan against her knee as before. + +"Fan," she said, "when you speak about me to others, and to me in the +presence of others, or of the servants, call me Miss Starbrow. I don't +like to hear you call me ma'am, it wounds my ear. Do you understand?" + +"Yes--Miss Starbrow." + +"But when we are alone together, as we are now, let me hear you call me +Mary. That's my Christian name, and I should like to hear you speak it. +Will you remember?" + +"Yes"; and then from her lips trembled the name "Mary." + +"It sounds very loving and sweet," said the other, and, drawing the girl +closer, for the first time she kissed her. + +With the memory of those tender words and the blissful sensation left +by that unexpected kiss, Fan spent the evening alone, hearing, after +her supper, the arrival of visitors, and the sound of conversation and +laughter from the drawing-room, and then music and singing. Later in +the evening the guests went to sup into the dining-room, and there they +stayed playing cards until eleven o'clock or later, when she heard them +leaving the house. + +They were not all gone, however; three of Miss Starbrow's intimate +friends still lingered, drinking whisky-and-water and talking. There +was Captain Horton--captain by courtesy, since he was no longer in the +army--a tall, fine-looking man, slightly horsy in his get-up, with a +very large red moustache, reddish-brown hair, and keen blue eyes. He +wore a cut-away coat, and was standing on the hearthrug, his hands +thrust into his trousers pockets, and smiling as he talked to a young +clerical gentleman near him--the Rev. Octavius Brown. The Rev. Octavius +was curate of a neighbouring ritualistic church, but in his life he was +not ascetic; he loved whisky-and-water not wisely but too well, and he +was passionately devoted to the noble game of Napoleon. Mr. Brown had +just won seven shillings, and was in very high spirits; for being poor +he had a great dread of losing, and played carefully for very small +stakes, and seldom won more than half-a-crown or three shillings. At +some distance from them a young gentleman reclined in an easy-chair, +smoking a cigarette, and apparently not listening to their conversation. +This was Mr. Merton Chance, clerk in the Foreign Office, and supposed +by his friends to be extremely talented. He was rather slight but +well-formed, a little under the medium height, clean shaved, handsome, +colourless as marble, with black hair and dark blue eyes that looked +black. + +Miss Starbrow, who had left the room a few minutes before, came in, and +standing by the table listened to the curate. + +"Miss Starbrow," said he, appealing to her, "is it not hard? Captain +Horton either doubts my veracity or believes that I am only joking when +I assure him that what I have just told him is plain truth." + +"Well, let me hear the whole story," she replied, "and I'll act as +umpire." + +"I couldn't wish for a juster one--nor for a fairer," he replied with +a weak smile. "What I said was that I had once attended a dinner to the +clergy in Yorkshire, at which there were sixteen of us present, and +the surnames of all were names of things--objects or offices or +something--connected with a church." + +"Well, what were the names?" + +"You see he remembers only one--a Mr. Church," said Captain Horton. + +"No, pardon me. A Mr. Church, and a Mr. Bishop, and a Mr. Priest, and a +Mr. Cross, and--and oh, yes, Mr. Bell." + +"Five of your sixteen," said Captain Horton, checking them off on his +fingers. + +"And a Mr. Graves, and a Mr. Sexton, and--and--of course, I can't +remember all the names now. Can you expect it, Miss Starbrow?" + +"No, of course not; but you have only named seven. If you can remember +ten I shall decide in your favour." + +"Thank you. There was a Mr. Church--" + +"No, no, old man, we've had that already," cried the Captain. + +"Mr. Tombs," he continued, and fell again to thinking. + +"That makes eight," said Miss Starbrow. "Cheer up, Mr. Brown, you'll +soon remember two others." + +"Your own name makes nine, Mr. Brown," broke in Mr. Chance, "only I +can't make out what connection it has with a church." + +The other two laughed. + +"I'm afraid it looks very bad for you," said Miss Starbrow. + +"No, no, Miss Starbrow, please don't think that. Wait a minute and let +me see if I can remember how that was," said the poor curate. "I _think_ +I said that all present at the table except myself--" + +"No, there was no exception," interrupted Captain Horton. "Now, if you +sixteen fellows had been Catholic priests instead of in the Established +Church, and you were Scarlett by name instead of Brown--" + +"Don't say any more--please!" cried the curate, lifting his hand. "You +are going too far, Captain Horton. I like a little innocent fun +well enough, but I draw the line at sacred subjects. Let us drop the +subject." + +"Oh, yes, of course, that's a good way of getting out of it. And as +for jesting about sacred matters, I always understood that one couldn't +prove his zeal for Protestantism better than by having a shot at the +Roman business." + +"I am happy to say that I do not class myself with Prots," said the +curate, getting up from his chair very carefully, and then consulting +his watch. "I must run away now--" + +"You can't do it," interrupted the Captain. + +Miss Starbrow laughed. "Don't go just yet, Mr. Brown," she said. "I wish +you all to help me with your advice, or with an opinion at least. You +know that I have taken in a young girl, and I have not yet decided what +to do with her. I shall call her down for you to see her, as you are all +three my very candid friends, and you shall tell me what you think of +her appearance." + +She then opened the door and called Fan down, and the poor girl was +brought into the neighbourhood of the three gentlemen, and stood with +eyes cast down, her pale face reddening with shame to find herself the +centre of so much curiosity. + +Miss Starbrow glanced at the Captain, who was keenly studying Fan's +face, as he stood before the fire, stroking his red moustache. + +"Well, if I'm to give a candid opinion," he said, "all I can say is that +she looks an underfed little monkey." + +"I think you are excessively rude!" returned Miss Starbrow, firing up. +"She is too young to feel your words, perhaps, but they are nothing less +than insulting to my judgment." + +"Oh, confound it, Pollie, you are always flying out at me! I dare say +she's a good girl--she looks it, but if you want me to say that she's +good-looking, I can't be such a hypocrite even to please you." + +Miss Starbrow flashed a keen glance at him, and then without replying +turned to Mr. Brown. + +"Really--honestly, Miss Starbrow," he said, "you couldn't have selected +a more charming-looking girl. But your judgment is always--well, just +what it should be; that goes without saying." + +She turned impatiently from him and looked at Mr. Chance, still +gracefully reclining in his chair. + +"Is my poor opinion really worth anything to you?" he said, and rising +he walked over to the girl and touched her hand, which made her start a +little. "I wish to see your eyes--won't you look at me?" He spoke very +gently. + +Fan glanced up into his face for a moment. + +"Thank you--just what I thought," said he, returning to his seat. + +"Well?" said Miss Starbrow. + +"Must I put it in words--those poor symbols?" he returned. "I know so +well that you can understand without them." + +"Perhaps I might if I tried very hard, but I choose not to try," she +replied, with a slight toss of her head. + +"It is a pleasure to obey; but the poor girl looks nervous and +uncomfortable, and would be so glad _not_ to hear my personal remarks." + +"Oh yes, it was thoughtless of me to keep her here--thanks for reminding +me," said Miss Starbrow, with a strange softening of her voice her +friends were not accustomed to hear. "Run up to your room, Fan, and go +to bed. I'm sorry I've kept you up so late, poor child." + +And Fan, with a grateful look towards Mr. Chance, left the room gladly +enough. + +"When she first came into the room I wondered what had attracted you," +said Mr. Chance. "I concluded that it must be something under those long +drooping eyelashes, and when I looked there I found out the secret." + +"Intelligent eyes--very intelligent eyes--I noticed that also," said Mr. +Brown. + +"Oh no, heaven forbid--I did not mean anything of the kind," said Mr. +Chance. "Intelligence is a masculine quality which I do not love to see +in a woman: it is suitable for us, like a rough skin and--moustachios," +with a glance at Captain Horton, and touching his own clean-shaven upper +lip. "The more delicate female organism has something finer and higher +than intelligence, which however serves the same purpose--and other +purposes besides." + +"I don't quite follow you," said the curate, again preparing to take his +leave. "I dare say it's all plain enough to some minds, but--well, Mr. +Chance, you'll forgive me for saying that when you talk that way I don't +know whether I'm standing on my head or my heels." + +"Naturally, you wouldn't," said Captain Horton, with a mocking smile. +"But don't go yet, Brown; have some more whisky-and-water." + +"No, thanks, no more. I never exceed two or three glasses, you know. +Thank you, my dear Miss Starbrow, for a most delightful evening." And +after shaking hands he made his way to the door, bestowing a kindly +touch on each chair in passing, and appearing greatly relieved when he +reached the hall. + +Captain Horton lit a cigarette and threw himself into an easy-chair. Mr. +Chance lit another cigarette; if the other was an idle man, he (Chance) +was in the Foreign Office, and privileged to sit up as late as he liked. + +"On the whole," he said in a meditative way, "I am inclined to think +that Brown is a rather clever fellow." + +Miss Starbrow laughed: she was still standing. "You two appear to be +taking it very quietly," she said. "It is one o'clock--why will you +compel me to be rude?" + +Then they started up, put on their coats, exchanged a few words at the +door with their hostess, and walked down the street together. Presently +a hansom came rattling along the quiet street. + +"Keb, sir?" came the inevitable question, in a tone sharp as a +whip-crack, as the driver pulled up near the kerb. + +"Yes, two cabs," said Captain Horton. "I'll toss you for the first, +Chance"; and pulling out a florin he sent it spinning up and deftly +caught it as it fell. "Heads or tails?" + +"Oh, take it yourself, and I'll find another." + +"No, no, fair play," insisted the Captain. + +"Very well then, heads." + +"Tails!" cried the other, opening his hand. "Goodnight, old man, you're +sure to find one in another minute. Oxford Terrace," he cried to the +driver, jumping in. And the cabman, who had watched the proceedings with +the deep interest and approval of a true sporting man, shook the reins, +flicked the horse's ears with his whip, clicked with his tongue, and +drove rapidly away. + +Left to himself, Mr. Chance sauntered on in no hurry to get home, and +finally stood still at a street corner, evidently pondering some matter +of considerable import to him. "By heaven, I'm more than half resolved +to try it!" he exclaimed at last. And after a little further reflection, +he added, "And I shall-- + + "He either fears his fate too much, + Or his deserts are small, + Who dares not put it to the touch + To win or lose it all." + +Then he turned and walked deliberately back to Dawson Place: coming to +the house which he had lately quitted, he peered anxiously at windows +and doors, and presently caught sight of a faint reflection from burning +gas or candle within on the fanlight over the street door, which, he +conjectured, came from the open dining-room. + +"Fortune favours me," he said to himself. "'Faint heart never won fair +lady.' A happy inspiration, I am beginning to think. Losing that toss +will perhaps result in my winning a higher stake. There's a good deal of +dash and devilry in that infernal blackguard Horton, and doubtless +that is why he has made some progress here. Well then, she ought to +appreciate my spirit in coming to her at this time of night, or morning, +rather. There's a wild, primitive strain in her; she's not to be wooed +and won in the usual silly mawkish way. More like one of the old Sabine +women, who liked nothing better than being knocked down and dragged off +by their future lords. I suppose that a female of that antique type +of mind can be knocked down and taken captive, as it were, with good +vigorous words, just as formerly they were knocked down with the fist or +the butt end of a spear." + +His action was scarcely in keeping with the daring, resolute spirit of +his language: instead of seizing the knocker and demanding admittance +with thunderous racket, he went cautiously up the steps, rapped softly +on the door with his knuckles, and then anxiously waited the result of +his modest summons. + +Miss Starbrow was in the dining-room, and heard the tapping. Her +servants had been in bed two hours; and after the departure of her late +guests she had turned off the gas at the chandelier, and was leaving the +room, when seeing a _Globe_, left by one of her visitors, she took it +up to glance at the evening's news. Something she found in the paper +interested her, and she continued reading until that subdued knocking +attracted her attention. Taking up her candle she went to the door and +unfastened it, but without letting down the chain. Her visitor hurriedly +whispered his name, and asked to be admitted for a few minutes, as he +had something very important to communicate. + +She took down the chain and allowed him to come into the hall. "Why +have you come back?" she demanded in some alarm. "Where is Captain +Horton?--you left together." + +"He went home in the first cab we found. We tossed for it, and he won, +for which I thank the gods. Then, acting on the impulse of the moment, I +came back to say something to you. A very unusual--very eccentric thing +to do, no doubt. But when something involving great issues has to be +done or said, I think the best plan is _not_ to wait for a favourable +opportunity. Don't you agree with me?" + +"I don't understand you, Mr. Chance, and am therefore unable to agree +with you. I hope you are not going to keep me standing here much +longer." + +"Not for a moment! But will you not let me come inside to say the few +words I have to say?" + +"Oh yes, you may come in," she returned not very graciously, and +leading the way to the dining-room, where decanters, tumblers, and cards +scattered about the table, seen by the dim light of one candle, gave it +a somewhat disreputable appearance. "What do you wish to say to me?" she +asked a little impatiently, and seating herself. + +He took a chair near her. "You are a little unkind to hurry me in this +way," he said, trying to smile, "since you compel me to put my request +in very plain blunt language. However, that is perhaps the best plan. +Twice I have come to you intending to speak, and have been baffled by +fate--" + +"Then you might have written, or telegraphed," she interrupted, "if the +matter was so important." + +"Not very well," he returned, growing very serious. "You know that as +well as I do. You must know, dear Miss Starbrow, that I have admired you +for a long time. Perhaps you also know that I love you. Miss Starbrow, +will you be my wife and make me happy?" + +"No, Mr. Chance, I cannot be your wife and make you happy. I must +decline your offer." + +Her cold, somewhat ironical tone from the first had prepared him for +this result, and he returned almost too quickly, "Oh, I see, you are +offended with me for coming to you at this hour. I must suffer the +consequences of my mistake, and study to be more cautious and proper in +the future. I have always regarded you as an unconventional woman. That, +to my mind, is one of your greatest charms; and when I say that I say a +good deal. I never imagined that my coming to you like this would have +prejudiced you against me." + +She gave a little laugh, but there was an ominous cloud on her face +as she answered: "You imagined it was the right thing to do to come at +half-past one o'clock in the morning to offer me your hand! Your opinion +of my conduct is not a subject I am the least interested in; but whether +I am unconventional or not, I assure you, Mr. Chance, that I am not to +be pushed or driven one step further than I choose to go." + +"I should never dream of attempting such a thing, Miss Starbrow. But it +would be useless to say much more; whatever line I take to-night only +makes matters worse for me. But allow me to say one thing before bidding +you good-night. The annoyance you feel at the present moment will not +last. You have too much generosity, too much intellect, to allow it +to rest long in your bosom; and deeply as I feel this rebuff, I am not +going to be so weak as to let it darken and spoil my whole life. No, my +hope is too strong and too reasonable to be killed so easily. I shall +come to you again, and again, and again. For I know that with you for a +wife and companion my life would be a happy one; and not happy only, +for that is not everything. An ambitious man looks to other greater and +perhaps better things." + +The cloud was gone from her brows, and she sat regarding him as he spoke +with a slight smile on her lips and a curious critical expression in +her eyes. When he finished speaking she laughed and said, "But is _my_ +happiness of such little account--do you not propose to make _me_ happy +also, Mr. Chance?" + +"No," he returned, his face clouding, and dropping his eyes before her +mocking gaze. "You shall not despise me. Single or married, you must +make your own happiness or misery. You know that; why do you wish to +make me repeat the wretched commonplaces that others use?" + +"I'm glad you have so good an opinion of yourself, Mr. Chance," she +replied. "I was vexed with you at first, but am not so now. To watch +the changes of your chameleon mind, not always successful in getting +the right colour at the right moment, is just as good as a play. If you +really mean to come again and again I shall not object--it will amuse +me. Only do not come at two o'clock in the morning; it might compromise +me, and, unconventional as I am, I should not forgive you a second time. +But honestly, Mr. Chance, I don't believe you will come again. You know +now that I know you, and you are too wise to waste your energies on me. +I hope you will not give up visiting me--in the daytime. We admire each +other, and I have always had a friendly feeling for you. That is a real +feeling--not an artificial one like the love you spoke of." + +He rose to go. "Time will show whether it is an artificial feeling or +not," he said; and after bidding good-night and hearing the door close +after him, he walked away towards Westbourne Grove. He had gone from her +presence with a smile on his lips, but in the street it quickly vanished +from his face, and breaking into a rapid walk and clenching his fists, +he exclaimed, between his set teeth, "Curse the jade!" + +It was not a sufficient relief to his feelings, and yet he seemed unable +to think of any other expression more suitable to the occasion, for +after going a little further, he repeated, "Curse the jade!" + +Then he walked on slower and slower, and finally stopped, and turning +towards Dawson Place, he repeated for the third time, "Curse the jade!" + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Fan saw no more company after that evening, for which she was not sorry; +but that had been a red-letter day to her--not soon, perhaps never, to +be forgotten. + +Great as the human adaptiveness is at the age at which Fan then was, +that loving-kindness of her mistress--of one so proud and beautiful +above all women, and, to the girl's humble ideas, so rich "beyond +the dreams of avarice"--retained its mysterious, almost incredible, +character to her mind, and was a continual cause of wonder to her, and +at times of ill-defined but anxious thought. For what had she--a poor, +simple, ignorant useless girl--to keep the affection of such a one as +Miss Starbrow? And as the days and weeks went by, that vague anxiety did +not leave her; for the more she saw of her mistress, the less did she +seem like one of a steadfast mind, whose feelings would always remain +the same. She was touchy, passionate, variable in temper; and if her +stormy periods were short-lived, she also had cold and sullen moods, +which lasted long, and turned all her sweetness sour; and at such times +Fan feared to approach her, but sat apart distressed and sorrowful. And +yet, whatever her mood was, she never spoke sharply to Fan, or seemed +to grow weary of her. And once, during one of those precious half-hours, +when they sat together at the bedroom fire before dinner, when Miss +Starbrow in a tender mood again drew the girl to her side and kissed +her, Fan, even while her heart was overflowing with happiness, allowed +something of the fear that was mixed with it to appear in her words. + +"Oh, Mary, if I could do something for you!" she murmured. "But I can do +nothing--I can only love you. I wish--I wish you would tell me what to +do to--to keep your love!" + +Miss Starbrow's face clouded. "Perhaps your heart is a prophetic one, +Fan," she said; "but you must not have those dismal forebodings, or if +they will come, then pay as little heed to them as possible. Everything +changes about us, and we change too--I suppose we can't help it. Let us +try to believe that we will always love each other. Our food is not less +grateful to us because it is possible that at some future day we shall +have to go hungry. Oh, poor Fan, why should such thoughts trouble your +young heart? Take the goods the gods give you, and do not repine because +we are not angels in Heaven, with an eternity to enjoy ourselves in. +I love you now, and find it sweet to love you, as I have never loved +anyone of my own sex before. Women, as a rule, I detest. You can do, and +are doing, more than you know for me." + +Fan did not understand it all; but something of it she did understand, +and it had a reassuring effect on her mind. + +Her life at this period was a solitary one. After breakfast she would go +out for a walk, usually to Kensington Gardens, and returning by way of +Westbourne Grove, to execute some small commissions for her mistress. +Between dinner and tea the time was mostly spent in the back room on the +first floor, which nobody else used; and when the weather permitted she +sat with the window open, and read aloud to improve herself in the art, +and practised writing and drawing, or read in some book Miss Starbrow +had recommended to her. With all her time so agreeably filled she did +not feel her loneliness, and the life of ease and plenty soon began +to tell on her appearance. Her skin became more pure and transparent, +although naturally pale; her eyes grew brighter, and could look glad +as well as sorrowful; her face lost its painfully bony look, and was +rounder and softer, and the straight lines and sharp angles of her +girlish form changed to graceful curves from day to day. Miss Starbrow, +regarding her with a curious and not untroubled smile, remarked: + +"You are improving in your looks every day, Fan; by-and-by you will be a +beautiful girl--and then!" + +The attitude of the servants had not changed towards her, the +cook continuing to observe a kind of neutrality which was scarcely +benevolent, while the housemaid's animosity was still active; but it +had ceased to trouble her very much. Since the evening on which Fan +had baffled her by blowing out the candle, Rosie had not attempted to +inflict corporal punishment beyond an occasional pinch or slap, but +contented herself by mocking and jeering, and sometimes spitting at her. + +Rosie is destined to disappear from the history of Fan's early life in +the first third of this volume; but before that time her malice bore +very bitter fruit, and for that and other reasons her character is +deserving of some description. + +She was decidedly pretty, short but well-shaped, with a small English +slightly-upturned nose; small mouth with ripe red lips, which were never +still except when she held them pressed with her sharp white teeth to +make them look redder and riper than ever. Her brown fluffy hair +was worn short like a boy's, and she looked not unlike a handsome +high-spirited boy, with brown eyes, mirthful and daring. She was +extremely vivacious in disposition, and active--too active, in fact, for +she got through her housemaid's work so quickly that it left her many +hours of each day in which to listen to the promptings of the demon of +mischief. It was only because she did her work so rapidly and so well +that her mistress kept her on--"put up with her," as she expressed +it--in spite of her faults of temper and tongue. But Rosie's heart was +not in her work. She was romantic and ambitious, and her shallow little +brain was filled with a thousand dreams of wonderful things to be. She +was a constant and ravenous reader of _Bow Bells_, the _London Journal_, +and one or two penny weeklies besides; and not satisfied with the +half-hundred columns of microscopical letterpress they afforded her, +she laid her busy hands on all the light literature left about by her +mistress, and thought herself hardly treated because Miss Starbrow was +a great reader of French novels. It was exceedingly tantalising to know +that those yellow-covered books were so well suited to her taste, and +not be able to read them. For someone had told her what nice books they +were--someone with a big red moustache, who was as fond of pretty red +lips as a greedy school-boy is of ripe cherries. + +Many were the stolen interviews between the daring little housemaid and +her gentleman lover; sometimes in the house itself, in a shaded part +of the hall, or in one of the reception-rooms when a happy opportunity +offered--and opportunities always come to those who watch for them; +sometimes out of doors in the shadow of convenient trees in the +neighbouring quiet street and squares after dark. But Rosie was not too +reckless. There was a considerable amount of cunning in that small +brain of hers, which prevented her from falling over the brink of the +precipice on the perilous edge of which she danced like a playful kid so +airily. It was very nice and not too naughty to be cuddled and kissed +by a handsome gentleman, with a big moustache, fine eyes, and baritone +voice! but she was not prepared to go further than that--just yet; only +pretending that by-and-by--perhaps; firing his heart with languishing +sighs, the soft unspoken "Ask me no more, for at a touch I yield"; and +then she would slip from his arms, and run away to put by the little +present of sham jewellery, and think it all very fine fun. They were +amusing themselves. His serious love-making was for her mistress. +She--Rosie--had a future--a great splendid future, to which she must +advance by slow degrees, step by step, sometimes even losing ground a +little--and much had been lost since that starved white kitten had come +into the house. + +When Miss Starbrow, in a fit of anger, had dismissed her maid some +months before, and then had accepted some little personal assistance in +dressing for the play, and at other times, from her housemaid, Rosie at +once imagined that she was winning her way to her mistress's heart, and +her silly dream was that she would eventually get promoted to the vacant +and desirable place of lady's-maid. The cast-off dresses, boots, pieces +of finery, and many other things which would be her perquisites would +be a little fortune to her, and greatly excited her cupidity. But there +were other more important considerations: she would occupy a much higher +position in the social scale, and dress well, her hands and skin would +grow soft and white, and her appearance and conversation would be that +of a lady; for to be a lady's-maid is, of course, the nearest thing to +being a lady. And with her native charms, ambitious intriguing brain, +what might she not rise to in time? and she had been so careful, and, +she imagined, had succeeded so well in ingratiating herself with her +mistress; and by means of a few well-constructed lies had so filled Miss +Starbrow with disgust at the ordinary lady's-maid taken ready-made out +of a registry-office, that she had begun to look on the place almost +as her own. She had quite overlooked the small fact that she was not +qualified to fill it, and never would be. If she had proposed such an +arrangement, Miss Starbrow would have laughed heartily, and sent the +impudent minx away with a flea in her ear; but she had not yet ventured +to broach the subject. + +Fan's coming into the house had not only filled her with the indignation +natural to one of her class and in her position at being compelled +to wait on a girl picked up half-starved in the streets; but when it +appeared that her mistress meant to keep Fan and make much of her, then +her jealousy was aroused, and she displayed as much spite and malice as +she dared. She had not succeeded in frightening Fan into submission, and +she had not dared to invent lies about her; and unable to use her only +weapon, she felt herself for the time powerless. On the other hand, it +was evident that Fan had made no complaints. + +"I'd like to catch the little beggar daring to tell tales of me!" she +exclaimed, clenching her vindictive little fists in a fury. But when her +mistress gave her any commands about Fan's meals, or other matters, +her tone was so sharp and peremptory, and her eyes so penetrating, that +Rosie knew that the hatred she cherished in her heart was no secret. The +voice, the look seemed to say plainly, as if it had been expressed in +words, "One word and you go; and when you send to me for a character, +you shall have justice but no mercy." + +This was a terrible state of things for Rosie. There was nothing she +could do; and to sit still and wait was torture to one of her restless, +energetic mind. When her mistress was out of the house she could give +vent to her spite by getting into Fan's room and teasing her in every +way that her malice suggested. But Fan usually locked her out, and would +not even open the door to take in her dinner when it was brought; then +Rosie would wait until it was cold before leaving it on the landing. + +When Miss Starbrow was in the house, and had Fan with her to comb her +hair or read to her, Rosie would hang about, listening at keyholes, to +find out how matters were progressing between "lady and lady's-maid." +But nothing to give her any comfort was discovered. On the contrary, +Miss Starbrow showed no signs of becoming disgusted at her own +disgraceful infatuation, and seemed more friendly towards the girl than +ever. She took her to the dressmaker at the West End, and had a very +pretty, dark green walking-dress made for her, in which Fan looked +prettier than ever. She also bought her a new stylish hat, a grey fur +cape, and long gloves, besides giving her small pieces of jewellery, and +so many things besides that poor Rosie was green with envy. Then, as a +climax, she ordered in a new pretty iron bed for the girl, and had it +put in her own room. + +"Fan will be so much warmer and more comfortable here than at the top of +the house," she remarked to Rosie, as if she too had a little malice in +her disposition, and was able to take pleasure in sprinkling powder on a +raw sore. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +Not until the end of November did anything important occur to make a +break in Fan's happy, and on the whole peaceful, life in Dawson Place; +then came an eventful day, which rudely reminded her that she was +living, if not on, at any rate in the neighbourhood of a volcano. One +morning that was not wet nor foggy Miss Starbrow made up her mind to +visit the West End to do a little shopping, and, to the maid's unbounded +disgust, she took Fan with her. An hour after breakfast they started in +a hansom and drove to the Marble Arch, where they dismissed the cab. + +"Now," said Miss Starbrow, who was in high spirits, "we'll walk to +Peter Robinson's and afterwards to Piccadilly Circus, looking at all the +shops, and then have lunch at the St. James's Restaurant; and walk home +along the parks. It is so beautifully dry underfoot to-day." + +Fan was delighted with the prospect, and they proceeded along Oxford +Street. The thoroughfares about the Marble Arch had been familiar to her +in the old days, and yet they seemed now to have a novel and infinitely +more attractive appearance--she did not know why. But the reason was +very simple. She was no longer a beggar, hungry, in rags, ashamed, and +feeling that she had no right to be there, but was herself a part of +that pleasant world of men and women and children. An old Moon Street +neighbour, seeing her now in her beautiful dress and with her sweet +peaceful face, would not have recognised her. + +At Peter Robinson's they spent about half an hour, Miss Starbrow making +some purchases for herself, and, being in a generous mood, she also +ordered a few things for Fan. As they came out at the door they met a +Mr. Mortimer, an old friend of Miss Starbrow's, elderly, but dandified +in his dress, and got up to look as youthful as possible. After warmly +shaking hands with Miss Starbrow, and bowing to Fan, he accompanied +them for some distance up Regent Street. Fan walked a little ahead. Mr. +Mortimer seemed very much taken with her, and was most anxious to find +out all about her, and to know how she came to be in Miss Starbrow's +company. The answers he got were short and not explicit; and whether +he resented this, or merely took a malicious pleasure in irritating his +companion, whose character he well knew, he continued speaking of Fan, +protesting that he had not seen a lovelier girl for a long time, and +begging Miss Starbrow to note how everyone--or every _man_, rather, +since man only has eyes to see so exquisite a face--looked keenly at the +girl in passing. + +"My dear Miss Starbrow," he said, "I must congratulate you on +your--ahem--late repentance. You know you were always a great +woman-hater--a kind of she-misogynist, if such a form of expression +is allowable. You must have changed indeed before bringing that fresh +charming young girl out with you." He angered her and she did not +conceal it, because she could not, though knowing that he was studying +to annoy her from motives of revenge. For this man, who was old enough +to be her father, and had spent the last decade trying to pick up a +woman with money to mend his broken fortunes--this watery-eyed, smirking +old beau, who wrote himself down young, going about Regent Street on a +cold November day without overcoat or spectacles--this man had had the +audacity to propose marriage to her! She had sent him about his business +with a burst of scorn, which shook his old, battered moral constitution +like a tempest of wind and thunder, and he had not forgotten it. He +chuckled at the successful result of his attack, not caring to conceal +his glee; but this meeting proved very unfortunate for poor Fan. After +dismissing her old lover with scant courtesy, Miss Starbrow caught up +with the girl, and they walked on in silence, looking at no shop-windows +now. One glance at the dark angry face was enough to spoil Fan's +pleasure for the day and to make her shrink within herself, wondering +much as to what had caused so great and sudden a change. + +Arrived at Piccadilly Circus, Miss Starbrow called a cab. + +"Get in, Fan," she said, speaking rather sharply. "I have a headache and +am going home." + +The headache seemed so like a fit of anger that Fan did not venture to +speak one word of sympathy. + +After reaching home, Miss Starbrow, without saying a word, went to her +room. Fan ventured to follow her there. + +"I wish to be left alone for the rest of the day," said her mistress. +"Tell Rosie that I don't wish to be disturbed. After you have had your +dinner go down to the drawing-room and sit there by the fire with your +book. And--stay, if anyone calls to see me, say that I have a headache +and do not wish to be disturbed." + +Fan went sorrowfully away and had her dinner, and was mocked by Rosie +when she delivered the message, and then taking her book she went to the +drawing-room on the ground-floor. After she had been there half an hour +she heard a knock, and presently the door was opened and Captain Horton +walked in. + +"What, alone, Miss Affleck! Tell me about Miss Starbrow," he said, +advancing and taking her hand. + +Fan explained that Miss Starbrow was lying down, suffering from a +headache, and did not wish to be disturbed. + +"I am sorry to hear it," he said. "But I can sit here and have a little +conversation with you, Fan--your name is Fan, is it not?" + +He sat down near the fire still keeping her hand in his, and when she +tried gently to withdraw it, his grasp became firmer. His hand was very +soft, as is usual with men who play cards much--and well; and it held +tenaciously--again a characteristic of the card-playing hand. + +"Oh, please, sir, let me go!" she said. + +"Why, my dear child, don't you know it's the custom for a gentleman +to hold a girl's hand in his when he talks to her? But you have always +lived among the very poor--have you not?--where they have different +customs. Never mind, Fan, you will soon learn. Now look up, Fan, and +let me see those wonderful eyes of yours; yes, they are very pretty. You +don't mind my teaching you a little, do you, Fan, so that you will know +how to behave when you are with well-bred people?" + +"No, sir; but please, sir, will you let me go?" + +"Why, you foolish child, I am not going to hurt you. You don't take me +for a dentist, do you?" he continued, trying to make her laugh. But his +smile and the look in his eyes only frightened her. "Look here, Fan, +I will teach you something else. Don't you know that it is the custom +among ladies and gentlemen for a young girl to kiss a gentleman when he +speaks kindly to her?" + +"No," said Fan, reddening and trying again to free herself. + +"Don't be so foolish, child, or you will never learn how to behave. Do +you know that if you make a noise or fuss you'll disturb your mistress +and she will be very angry with you. Come now, be a good dear little +girl." + +And with gentle force he drew her between his knees and put his arm +round her. Fan, afraid to cry out, struggled vainly to get free; he held +her firmly and closely, and had just put his lips to her face when the +door swung open, and Miss Starbrow sailed like a tragedy-queen into +the room, her head thrown back, her face white as marble and her eyes +gleaming. + +The visitor instantly rose, while Fan, released from his grip, her face +crimson with shame, slunk away, trembling with apprehension. + +"Captain Horton, what is the meaning of this?" demanded the lady. + +"Why nothing--a mere trifle--a joke, Pollie. Your little girl doesn't +mind being kissed by a friend of the family--that's all." + +"Come here, Fan," she said, in a tone of concentrated rage; and the +girl, frightened and hesitating, approached her. "This is the way you +behave the moment my back is turned. You corrupt-minded little wretch! +Take that!" and with her open hand she struck the girl's face a cruel +blow, with force enough to leave the red print of her fingers on the +pale cheek. + +Fan, covering her face with her hands, shrunk back against the wall, +sobbing convulsively. + +"Oh, come, Pollie!" exclaimed Horton, "don't be so hard on the poor +monkey--she's a mere child, you know, and didn't think any harm." + +Miss Starbrow made no reply, but standing motionless looked at +him--watched his face with a fierce, dangerous gleam in her half-closed +eyes. + +"Don't stand snivelling here," she spoke, turning to Fan. "Go up +instantly to the back room, and stay there. I shall know how to trust a +girl out of the slums another time." + +Crying bitterly she left the room, and her mistress shut the door after +her, remaining there with her lover. + +Fan found the window of the back room open, but she did not feel cold; +and kneeling on the sofa, with her face resting on her hands, and still +crying, she remained there for a long time. A little wintry sunshine +rested on the garden, brightening the brown naked branches of the trees +and the dark green leaves of ivy and shrub, and gladdening the sparrows. +By-and-by the shortlived sunshine died away, and the sparrows left. It +was strangely quiet in the house; distinctly she heard Miss Starbrow +come out of the drawing-room and up the stairs; she trembled a little +then and felt a little rebellious stirring in her heart, thinking that +her mistress was coming up to her. But no, she went to her own room, and +closed the door. Then Rosie came in, stealing up to her on tiptoe, and +curiously peering into her face. + +"Oh I say--something's happened!" she exclaimed, and tripped joyfully +away. Half an hour later she came up with some tea. + +"I've brought your la'ship a cup of tea. I'm sure it will do your head +good," she said, advancing with mincing steps and affecting profound +sympathy in her tone. + +"Take it away--I shan't touch it!" returned Fan, becoming angry in her +misery. + +"Oh, but your la'ship's health is so important! Society will be so +distressed when it hears that your la'ship is unwell! I'll leave the cup +in the window in case your la'ship--" + +Fan pushed cup and saucer angrily away, and over they went, falling +outside down to the area, where they struck with a loud crash and were +shivered to pieces. + +Rosie laughed and clapped her hands in glee. "Oh, I'm so glad you've +smashed it!" she exclaimed. "I'll tell Miss Starbrow, and then you'll +see! That cup was the thing she valued most in the house. She bought it +at a sale at Christie and Manson's and gave twenty-five guineas for it. +Oh, how mad she'll be!" + +Fan paid no heed to her words, knowing that there was no truth in them. +While pushing it away she had noticed that it was an old kitchen cup, +chipped and cracked and without a handle; the valuable curio had as a +fact been fished out of a heap of rubbish that morning by the maid, who +thought that it would serve very well for "her la'ship's tea." + +Rosie got tired of tormenting her, and took herself off at last; then +another hour went slowly by while it gradually grew dark; and as the +lights faded her rebellious feelings left her, and she began to hope +that Miss Starbrow would soon call her or come to her. And at length, +unable to bear the loneliness and suspense, she went to the bedroom door +and softly knocked. There was no answer, and trying the door she found +that it was locked. She waited outside the door for about half an hour, +and then hearing her mistress moving in the room she tapped again, with +the same result as before. Then she went back despairingly to the back +room and her place beside the window. The night was starry and not very +cold, and to protect herself from the night air she put on her fur cape. +Hour after hour she listened to the bells of St. Matthew's chiming the +quarters, feeling a strange loneliness each time the chimes ceased; and +then, after a few minutes' time, beginning again to listen for the next +quarter. It was getting very late, and still no one came to her, not +even Rosie with her supper, which she had made up her mind not to touch. +Then she dropped her head on her hands, and cried quietly to herself. +She had so many thoughts, and each one seemed sadder than the last. For +the great tumult in her soul was over now, and she could think about it +all, and of all the individuals who had treated her cruelly. She felt +very differently towards them. Captain Horton she feared and hated, and +wished him dead with all her heart; and Rosie she also hated, but not so +intensely, for the maid's enmity had not injured her. Against Mary she +only felt a great anger, but no hatred; for Mary had been so kind, so +loving, and she could not forget that, and all the sweetness it had +given her life. Then she began to compare this new luxurious life in +Dawson Place to the old wretched life in Moon Street, which now seemed +so far back in time; and it seemed strange to her that, in spite of the +great difference, yet to-night she felt more unhappy than she had ever +felt in the old days. She remembered her poor degraded mother, who had +never turned against her, and cried quietly again, leaning her face on +the window-sill. Then she had a thought which greatly perplexed her, +and she asked herself why it was in those old days, when hard words +and unjust blows came to her, she only felt a fearful shrinking of the +flesh, and wished like some poor hunted animal to fly away and hide +herself from her tormentors, while now a spirit of resentment and +rebellion was kindled in her and burnt in her heart with a strange fire. +Was it wrong to feel like that, to wish that those who made her suffer +were dead? That was a hard question which Fan put to herself, and she +could not answer it. + +Her long fast and the excitement she had experienced, with so many +lonely hours of suspense after it, began to tell on her and make her +sleepy. It was eleven o'clock; she heard the servants going round to +fasten doors and turn off the gas, and finally they passed her landing +on their way to bed. It was getting very cold, and giving up all hope +of being called by her mistress, she closed the window and, with an +old table-cover for covering, coiled herself up on the sofa and went to +sleep. + +When she woke it was with a start; her face had grown very cold, and she +felt a warm hand touching her cheek. The hand was quickly withdrawn when +she woke, and looking round Fan saw someone seated by her, and although +there was only the starlight from the window in the dim room, she knew +that it was her mistress. She raised herself to a sitting position on +the sofa, but without speaking. All her bitter, resentful feelings had +suddenly rushed back to her heart. + +"Well, you have condescended to wake at last," said Miss Starbrow. "Do +you know that it is nearly one o'clock in the morning?" + +"No," returned Fan. + +"No! well then, I say yes. It is nearly one o'clock. Do you intend to +keep me here waiting your pleasure all night, I wonder!" + +"I don't want you to come here. I had no place to sleep because you +locked me out of your room." + +"And for an excellent reason," said the other sharply. "How could +I admit you into my room after the outrageous scene I witnessed +downstairs! You seem to think that you can behave just how you like in +my house, and that it will make no difference." + +Fan was silent. + +"Oh, very well, Miss Fan, if you have nothing to say for yourself!" + +"What do you want me to say?" + +"Say! I wonder at the question. I want you to tell me the truth, of +course. That is, if you can. How did it all happen--you must tell me +everything just as it occurred, without concealment or prevarication." + +Fan related the facts simply and clearly; she remembered every word the +Captain had spoken only too well. + +"I wish I knew whether you have told me the simple truth or not," said +Miss Starbrow. + +"May God strike me dead if I'm not telling the truth!" said Fan. + +"There, that will do. A young lady is supposed to be able to answer +a question with a simple yes or no, without swearing about it like a +bargee on the Regent's Canal." + +"Then why don't you believe me when I say yes and no, and--and why +didn't you ask me before you struck me?" + +"I shouldn't have struck you if I had not thought you were a little to +blame. It is not likely. You ought to know that after all my kindness to +you--but I dare say that is all forgotten. I declare I have been treated +most shamefully!" And here she dropped her face into her hands and began +crying. + +But the girl felt no softening of the heart; that strange fire was still +burning in her, and she could only think of the cruel words, the unjust +blow. + +Miss Starbrow suddenly ceased her crying. "I thought that you, at any +rate, had a little gratitude and affection for me," she said. "But of +course I was mistaken about that as I have been about everything else. +If you had the faintest spark of sympathy in you, you would show a +little feeling, and--and ask me why I cry, or say something." + +For some moments Fan continued silent, then she moved and touched the +other's hand, and said very softly, for now all her anger was melting +away, "Why do you cry, Mary?" + +"You know, Fan, because I love you, and am so sorry I struck you. What +a brute I was to hurt you--a poor outcast and orphan, with no friend +but me in the world. Forgive me, dear Fan, for treating you so cruelly!" +Then she put her arms about the girl and kissed her, holding her close +to her breast. + +"Oh, Mary, dear," said Fan, now also crying; "you didn't hurt me very +much. I only felt it because--because it was you." + +"I know, Fan, and that's why I can't forgive myself. But I shall never, +never hurt you again, for I know that you are truth itself, and that +I can trust you. And now let us go down and have some supper together +before going to bed. I know you've had nothing since lunch, and I +couldn't touch a morsel, I was so troubled about that wretch of a man. I +think I have been sitting here quite two hours waiting for you to wake." + +Together they went down to the dining-room, where a delicate little +supper, such as Miss Starbrow loved to find on coming home from the +play, was laid out for them. For the first time Fan sat at table with +her mistress; another new experience was the taste of wine. She had a +glass of Sauterne, and thought it very nice. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +On the next morning, after a sharp frost, the sun shone brightly as in +spring. Fan was up early and enjoyed her breakfast, notwithstanding the +late supper, and not in the least disturbed by the scornful words flung +at her by the housemaid when she brought up the tray. After breakfasting +she went to Miss Starbrow's room, to find her still in bed and not +inclined to get up. + +"Put on your dress and go for a walk in Kensington Gardens," she said. +"I think it is a fine day, for a wonder. You may stop out until one +o'clock, if you like, and take my watch, so as to know the time. And +if you wish to rest while out don't sit down on a bench, or you will +be sure to have someone speak to you. According to the last census, or +Registrar-General's report, or whatever it is, there are twenty thousand +young gentlemen loafers in London, who spend their whole time hanging +about the parks and public places trying to make the acquaintance of +young girls. Sit on a chair by yourself when you are tired--you can +always find a chair even in winter--and give the chairman a penny when +he comes to you." + +"I haven't got a penny, Mary. But it doesn't matter; I'll not get +tired." + +"Then I must give you a purse and some money, and you must never go out +without it, and don't mind spending a little money now and then, and +giving away a penny when you feel inclined. Give me my writing desk and +the keys." + +She opened the desk and took out a small plush purse, then some silver +and coppers to put in it, and finally a sovereign. + +"The silver you can use, the sovereign you must not change, but keep it +in case you should require money when I am not with you." + +With all these fresh proofs of Mary's affection to make her happy, in +her lovely new dress and hat, and the beautiful gold chain on her bosom, +Fan went out for her walk feeling as light-hearted as a linnet. It was +the last day of November, usually a dreary time in London, but never had +the world looked so bright and beautiful to Fan as on that morning; and +as she walked along with swift elastic tread she could hardly refrain +from bursting bird-like into some natural joyous melody. Passing into +the Gardens at the Queen's Road entrance, she went along the Broad Walk +to the Round Pond, and then on to the Albert Memorial, shining with gold +and brilliant colours in the sun like some fairy edifice. Running up the +steps she walked round and round the sculptured base of the monument, +studying the marble faces and reading the names, and above all admiring +the figures there--blind old Homer playing on his harp, with Dante, +Shakespeare, Milton, and all the immortal sons of song, grouped about +him listening. But nothing to her mind equalled the great group of +statuary representing Asia at one of the four corners, with that +colossal calm-faced woman seated on an elephant in the centre. What a +great majestic face, and yet how placid and sweet it looked, reminding +her a little of Mary in her kindly moods. But this noble face was of +marble, and never changed; Mary's changed every hour, so that the soft +expression when it came seemed doubly sweet. By-and-by she walked away +towards the bridge over the Serpentine, and in the narrow path, thickly +bordered with trees and shrubs and late flowers, she stepped aside to +make room for a lady to pass, who held by the hand a little angel-faced, +golden-haired child, dressed in a quaint pretty costume. The child stood +still and looked up into Fan's face, and then she also involuntarily +stopped, so taken was she with the little thing's beauty. + +"Mammy," said the child, pointing to Fan, "I'se like to tiss the pretty +laly." + +"Well, my darling, perhaps the young lady will kiss you if you ask very +nicely," said the mother. + +"Oh, may I kiss her?" said Fan, reddening with pleasure, and quickly +stooping she pressed her lips to the little cherub face. + +"I loves you--what's your name?" said the child. + +"No, darling, you must not ask questions. You've got your kiss and that +ought to satisfy you"; and with a smile and nod to Fan she walked on. + +Fan pursued her walk to the Serpentine, with a new delicious sensation +in her heart. It was so strange and sweet to be spoken to by a lady, a +stranger, and treated like an equal! And in the days that were not so +long ago with what sad desire in her eyes had she looked at smiling +beautiful faces, like this lady's face, and no smile and no gentle word +had been bestowed on her, and no glance that did not express pity or +contempt! + +At the head of the Serpentine she stood for ten or fifteen minutes to +watch the children and nursemaids feeding the swans and ducks. The swans +were very stately and graceful, the ducks very noisy and contentious, +and it was great fun to see them squabbling over the crumbs of bread. +But after leaving the waterside she came upon a scene among the great +elms and chestnuts close by which amused her still more. Some poor +ragged children--three boys and a girl--were engaged in making a great +heap of the old dead fallen leaves, gathering them in armfuls and +bringing them to one spot. By-and-by the little girl came up with a +fresh load, and as she stooped to put it on the pile, the boys, who had +all gathered round, pushed her over and covered her with a mass of old +leaves; then, with a shout of laughter at their rough joke, they ran +away. She struggled out and stood up half-choked with dust, her face +covered with dirt, and dress and hair with the black half-rotten leaves. +As soon as she got her breath she burst out in a prolonged howl, while +the big tears rushed out, making channels on her grimy cheeks. + +"Oh, poor little girl, don't cry," said Fan, going up to her, but the +child only howled the louder. Then Fan remembered her money and Mary's +words, and taking out a penny she offered it to the little girl. +Instantly the crying ceased, the child clutched the penny in her dirty +little fist, then stared at Fan, then at the penny, and finally turned +and ran away as fast as she could run, past the fountains, out at the +gate, and into the Bayswater Road. + +When she was quite out of sight Fan resumed her walk, laughing a little, +but with misty eyes, for it was the first time in her life that she had +given a penny away, and it made her strangely happy. Before quitting +the Gardens, however, one little incident occurred to interfere with +her pleasure. Close to the Broad Walk she suddenly encountered Captain +Horton walking with a companion in the opposite direction. There was no +time to turn aside in order to avoid him; when she recognised him he was +watching her face with a curious smile under his moustache which made +her feel a little uncomfortable; then, raising his hat, he passed her +without speaking. + +"You know that pretty girl?" she heard his friend ask, as she hurried +away a little frightened towards the Queen's Road gate. + +Miss Starbrow appeared very much put out about this casual encounter in +the Gardens when Fan related the incidents of her walk. + +"I'll not walk there again, Mary, so as not to meet him," said Fan +timidly. + +"On the contrary, you shall walk there as often as you like--I had +almost said whether you like it or not; and in the Grove, where you are +still more likely to meet him." She spoke angrily; but after a while +added, "He couldn't well have done less than notice you when he met you, +and I do not think you need be afraid of anything. It is not likely +that he would address you. He put an altogether false complexion on that +affair yesterday--a cowardly thing to do, and caused us both a great +deal of pain, and for that I shall never forgive him. Think no more +about it, Fan." + +It was pretty plain, however, that she permitted herself to think more +about it; for during the next few days she was by no means cheerful, +while her moody fits and bursts of temper were more frequent than +usual. Then, one Wednesday evening, when Fan assisted her in dressing +to receive her visitors, she seemed all at once to have recovered her +spirits, and talked to the girl and laughed in a merry light-hearted +way. + +"Poor Fan, how dull it must always be for you on a Wednesday evening, +sitting here so long by yourself," she said. + +"Oh no, Mary, I always open the door and listen to the music; I like the +singing so much." + +"That reminds me," said Miss Starbrow. "Who do you think is coming this +evening?" + +"Captain Horton," she answered promptly. + +Miss Starbrow laughed. "Yes; how quick you are at guessing. I must tell +you all about it; and do you know, Fan, I find it very delightful to +have a dear trusty girl to talk to. I suppose you have noticed how +cross I have been all these days. It was all on account of that man. He +offended me so much that day that I made up my mind never to speak to +him again. But he is very sorry; besides, he looked on you as little +more than a child, and really meant it only for a joke. And so I +have half forgiven him, and shall let him visit me again, but only on +Wednesday evenings when there will be others. I shall not allow him to +come whenever he likes, as he used to do. Fan was silent. Miss Starbrow, +sitting before the glass, read the ill-concealed trouble in the girl's +face reflected there. + +"Now don't be foolish, Fan, and think no more about it," she said. "You +are very young--not nearly sixteen yet, and gentlemen look on girls of +that age as scarcely more than children, and think it no harm to kiss +them. He's a thoughtless fellow, and doesn't always do what is right, +but he certainly did not think any harm or he would not have acted that +way in my house. That's what he says, and I know very well when I hear +the truth." + +After finishing her hair, Miss Starbrow, not yet satisfied that she had +removed all disagreeable impression, turned round and said, "Now, my +solemn-faced girl, why are you so silent? Are you going to be cross with +me? Don't you think I know best what is right and believe what I tell +you?" + +The tears came to the girl's eyes. "I do believe you know best, Mary," +she said, in a distressed voice. "Oh, please don't think that I am +cross. I am so glad you like to talk to me." + +Miss Starbrow smiled and touched her cheek, and at length stooped and +kissed her; and this little display of confidence and affection chased +away the last remaining cloud, and made Fan perfectly happy. + +The partial forgiveness extended to Captain Horton did not have exactly +the results foretold. Miss Starbrow was fond of affirming that when her +mind was once made up about anything it was not to be moved; but in +this affair she had already yielded to persuasion, and had permitted +the Captain to visit her again; and by-and-by the second resolution also +proved weak, and his visits were not confined to Wednesday evenings. She +had struggled against her unworthy feeling for him, and knowing that +it was unworthy, that the strength she prided herself so much on was +weakness where he was concerned, she was dissatisfied in mind and angry +with herself for making these concessions. She really believed in the +love he professed for her, and did not think much the worse of him for +being a man without income or occupation, and a gambler to boot; but +she feared that a marriage with him would only make her miserable, and +between her love for him, which could not be concealed, and the fear +that he would eventually win her consent to be his wife, her mind was in +a constant state of anxiety and restlessness. The little indiscretion he +had been guilty of with Fan she had forgiven in her heart: that he had +actually conceived a fondness for this poor young girl she could not +believe, for in that case he would have been very careful not to do +anything to betray it to the woman he wished to marry; but though she +had forgiven him, she was resolved not to let him know it just yet, +and so continued to be a little distant and formal in her manner, never +calling him by his christian name, "Jack," as formerly, and not allowing +him to call her "Pollie." + +All this was nothing to Fan, as she very rarely saw him, but on the +few occasions when she accidentally met him, in the house or when out +walking, he always had that curious smile on his lips, and studied +her face with a bold searching look in his eyes, which made her +uncomfortable and even a little afraid. + +One day, about the middle of December, Miss Starbrow began to speak to +her about her future. + +"You have improved wonderfully, Fan, since you first came," she said, +"but I fear that this kind of improvement will not be of much practical +use, and my conscience is not quite satisfied about you. I have taken +this responsibility on myself, and must not go on shutting my eyes to +it. Some day it will be necessary for you to go out into the world to +earn your own living; that is what we have got to think about. Remember +that you can't have me always to take care of you; I might go abroad, or +die, or get married, and then you would be left to your own resources. +You couldn't make your living by simply looking pretty; you must be +useful as well as ornamental; and I have taught you nothing--teaching is +not in my line. It would be a thousand pities if you were ever to sink +down to the servant-girl level: we must think of something better than +that. A young lady generally aspires to be a governess. But then +she must know everything--music, drawing, French, German, Latin, +mathematics, algebra; all that she must have at her finger-ends, and be +able to gabble political economy, science, and metaphysics to boot. All +that is beyond you--unattainable as the stars. But you needn't break +your heart about it. She doesn't get much. Her wages are about equal to +those of a kitchen-maid, who can't spell, but only peel potatoes. And +the more learned she is, the more she is disliked and snubbed by her +betters; and she never marries, in spite of what the _Family Herald_ +says, but goes on toiling until she is fifty, and then retires to live +alone on fifteen shillings a week in some cheap lodging for the remnant +of her dreary life. No, poor Fan, you can't hope to be anything as grand +as a governess." + +Fan laughed a little: she had grown accustomed to and understood +this half-serious mocking style of speech in which her mistress often +indulged. + +"But," she continued, "you might qualify yourself for some other kind +of employment less magnificent, but still respectable, and even genteel +enough. That of a nursery-governess, for instance; you are fond of +children, and could teach them their letters. Or you could be companion +to a lady; some simple-minded, old-fashioned dame who stays at home, and +would not require you to know languages. Or, better still perhaps, you +might go into one of the large West End shops. I do not think it +would be very difficult for you to get a place of that kind, as your +appearance is so much in your favour. I know that your ambition is not +a very soaring one, and a few months ago you would not have ventured +to dream of ever being a young lady in a shop like Jay's or Peter +Robinson's. Yet for such a place you would not have to study for years +and pass a stiff examination, as a poor girl is obliged to do before +she can make her living by sitting behind a counter selling penny +postage-stamps. Homely girls can succeed there: for the fine shop a +pretty face, an elegant figure, and a pleasing lady-like manner are +greatly prized--more than a knowledge of archaeology and the higher +mathematics; and you possess all these essentials to start with. But +whether you are destined to go into a shop or private house, it is +important that you should make a better use of your time just now, while +you are with me, and learn something--dressmaking, let us say, and all +kinds of needlework; then you will at least be able to make your own +clothes." + +"I should like to learn that very much," said Fan eagerly. + +"Very well, you shall learn then. I have been making inquiries, and find +that there is a place in Regent Street, where for a moderate premium +they do really succeed in teaching girls such things in a short time. I +shall take you there to-morrow, and make all arrangements." + +Very soon after this conversation Fan commenced her new work of learning +dressmaking, going every morning by omnibus to Regent Street, lunching +where she worked, and returning to Dawson Place at four o'clock. After +the preliminary difficulties, or rather strangeness inseparable from +a new occupation, had been got over, she began to find her work very +agreeable. It was maintained by the teachers in the establishment she +was in that by means of their system even a stupid girl could be taught +the mystery of dressmaking in a little while. And Fan was not stupid, +although she had an extremely modest opinion of her own abilities, +and was not regarded by others as remarkably intelligent; but she was +diligent and painstaking, and above everything anxious to please her +mistress, who had paid extra money to ensure pains being taken with her. +So rapid was her progress, that before the end of January Miss Starbrow +bought some inexpensive material, and allowed her to make herself a +couple of dresses to wear in the house; and these first efforts resulted +so well that a better stuff was got for a walking-dress. + +The winter had thus far proved a full and happy one to Fan; in February +she was even more fully occupied, and, if possible, happier; for after +leaving the establishment in Regent Street, Miss Starbrow sent her to +the school of embroidery in South Kensington to take lessons in a +new and still more delightful art. But at the end of that month Fan +unhappily, and from no fault of her own, fell into serious disgrace. She +had gone to the Exhibition Road with a sample of her work on the morning +of a bright windy day which promised to be dry; a little later Miss +Starbrow also went out. Before noon the weather changed, and a heavy +continuous rain began to fall. At one o'clock Miss Starbrow came home in +a cab, and as she went into the house it occurred to her to ask the maid +if Fan had got very wet or had come in a cab. She knew that Fan had not +taken an umbrella. + +"No, ma'am; she walked home, but didn't get wet. A young gentleman came +with her, and I s'pose he kept her dry with his umbrella." + +"A young gentleman--are you quite sure?" + +"Yes, ma'am, quite sure," she returned, indignant at having her sacred +word doubted. "He was with her on the steps when I opened the door, and +shook hands with her just like an old friend when he went away; and she +was quite dry." + +Miss Starbrow said no more. She knew that the servant, though no +friend to Fan, would not have dared to invent a story of this kind, +and resolved to say nothing, but to wait for the girl to give her own +account of the matter. + +Fan said nothing about it. On leaving the school of embroidery, seeing +how threatening the sky was, she was hurrying towards the park, when the +rain came down, and in a few moments she would have been wet through if +help had not come in the shape of an umbrella held over her head by an +attentive young stranger. He kept at her side all the way across the +Gardens to Dawson Place, and Fan felt grateful for his kindness; she +conversed with him during the walk, and at the door she had not refused +to shake hands when he offered his. In ordinary circumstances, she would +have made haste to tell her mistress all about it, thinking no harm; +unfortunately it happened that for some days Miss Starbrow had been in +one of her worst moods, and during these sullen irritable periods Fan +seldom spoke unless spoken to. + +When Miss Starbrow found the girl in her room on going there, she looked +keenly and not too kindly at her, and imagined that poor Fan wore a look +of guilt on her face, whereas it was nothing but distress at her own +continued ill-temper which she saw. + +"I shall give her till to-morrow to tell me," thought the lady, "and +if she says nothing, I shall conclude that she has made friends out of +doors and wishes to keep it from me." + +Fan knew nothing of what was passing in the other's mind; she only saw +that her mistress was even less gracious to her than she had been, and +thought it best to keep out of her sight. For the rest of the day not +one word passed between them. + +Next morning Fan got ready to go to Kensington, but first came in to her +mistress as was her custom. Miss Starbrow was also dressed in readiness +to go out; she was sitting apparently waiting to speak to Fan before +leaving the house. + +"Are you going out, Mary?" said Fan, a little timidly. + +"Yes, I am going out," she returned coldly, and then seemed waiting for +something more to be said. + +"May I go now?" said Fan. + +"No," the other returned after some moments. "Change your dress again +and stay at home to-day." Presently she added, "You are learning a +little too much in Exhibition Road--more, I fancy, than I bargained +for." + +Fan was silent, not knowing what was meant. + +Then Miss Starbrow went out, but first she called the maid and told her +to remove Fan's bed and toilet requisites out of her room into the back +room. + +Greatly distressed and perplexed at the unkind way she had been spoken +to, Fan changed her dress and sat down in the cold back room to do +some work. After a while she heard a great noise as of furniture being +dragged about, and presently Rosie came in with the separate pieces of +her dismantled bed. + +"What are you doing with my things?" exclaimed Fan in surprise. + +"Your things!" retorted Rosie, with scorn. "What your mistress told me +to do, you cheeky little beggar! Your things indeed! 'Put a beggar on +horseback and he'll ride to the devil,' and that's what Miss Starbrow's +beginning to find out at last. And quite time, too! Embroidery! That's +what you're going to wear perhaps when you're back in the slums you came +from! I thought it wouldn't last!" And Rosie, banging the things about, +pounding the mattress with clenched fist, and shaking the pillows like +a terrier with a rat, kept up this strain of invective until she had +finished her task, and then went off, well pleased to think that the day +of her triumph was not perhaps very far distant. + +On that day, however, Rosie herself was destined to experience great +trouble of mind, and an anxiety about her future even exceeding that of +Fan, who was spending the long hours alone in that big, cold, fireless +room, grieving in her heart at the great change in her beloved mistress, +and dropping many a tear on the embroidery in her hands. + +It was about three o'clock, and feeling her fingers quite stiff with +cold, she determined to go quietly down to the drawing-room in the hope +of finding a fire lighted there so as to warm her hands. Miss Starbrow +had not returned, and the house was very still, and after standing a few +moments on the landing, anxious not to rouse the maid and draw a fresh +volley of abuse on herself, she went softly down the stairs, and opened +the drawing-room door. For a moment or two she stood motionless, and +then muttering some incoherent apology turned and fled back to her room. +For there, very much at his ease, sat Captain Horton, with Rosie on his +knees, her arms about his neck, and her lips either touching his or in +very close proximity to them. + +Rosie slipped from her seat, and the Captain stood up, but the intruder +had seen and gone, and their movements were too late. + +"The spy! the cat!" snapped Rosie, grown suddenly pale with anger and +apprehension. + +"It's very fine to abuse the girl," said the Captain; "but it was all +through your infernal carelessness. Why didn't you lock the door?" + +"Oh, you're going to blame me! That's like a man. Perhaps you're in love +with the cat. I s'pose you think she's pretty." + +"I'd like to twist her neck, and yours too, for a fool. If any trouble +comes you will be to blame." + +"Say what you like, I don't care. There'll be trouble enough, you may be +sure." + +"Do you mean to say that she will dare to tell?" + +"Tell! She'll only be too glad of the chance. She'll tell everything to +Miss Starbrow, and she hates me and hates you like poison. It would be +very funny if she didn't tell." + +He walked about the room fuming. + +"It will be as bad for you as for me," he said. + +"No, it won't. I can get another place, I s'pose." + +"Oh, yes; very fine, and be a wretched slavey all your life, if you like +that. You know very well that I have promised you two hundred pounds the +day I marry your mistress." + +"Yes; because I'm not a fool, and you can't help yourself. Don't think +_I_ want to marry you. Not me! Keep your love for Miss Starbrow, and +much you'll get out of her!" + +"You idiot!" he began; but seeing that she was half sobbing he said no +more, and continued walking about the room. Presently he came back to +her. "It's no use quarrelling," he said. "If anything can be done to +get out of this infernal scrape it will only be by our acting together. +Since this wretched Fan has been in the house, Miss Starbrow is harder +than ever to get on with; and even if Fan holds her tongue about this--" + +"She won't hold her tongue." + +"But even if she should, we'll never do any good while she has that girl +to amuse herself with. You know perfectly well, Rosie, that if there is +anyone I really love it is you; but then we've both of us got to do the +best we can for ourselves. I shall love you just the same after I am +married, and if you still should like me, why then, Rosie, we might be +able to enjoy ourselves very well. But if Fan tells at once what she saw +just now, then it will be all over with us--with you, at any rate." + +"She won't tell at once--not while her mistress is in her tantrums. +The little cat keeps out of her way then. Not to-day, and perhaps not +to-morrow; and the day after I think Miss Starbrow's going to visit her +friends at Croydon. That's what she said; and if she goes, she'll be out +all day." + +"Oh!" ejaculated the Captain; then rising he carefully closed and locked +the door before continuing the conversation. They were both very much +interested in it; but when it was at last over, and the Captain took +his departure, Rosie did not bounce away as usual with tumbled hair and +merry flushed face. She left the drawing-room looking pale and a little +scared perhaps, and for the rest of the day was unusually silent and +subdued. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +To Fan no comfort came that evening, and an hour after supper she went +to bed to get warm, without seeing her mistress, who had returned to +dinner. Next day she was no better off; she did not venture to ask +whether she might go out or not, or even to go to Miss Starbrow's room, +but kept to her own cold apartment, working and grieving, and seeing +no one except the maid. Rosie came and went, but she was moody, or else +afraid to use her tongue, and silent. On the following morning Miss +Starbrow left the house at an early hour, and Fan resigned herself to +yet another cold solitary day. About eleven o'clock Rosie came running +up in no little excitement with a telegram addressed to "Miss Affleck." +She took it, wondering a little at the change in the maid's manner, +but not thinking much about it, for she had never received a telegram +before, and it startled and troubled her to have one thrust into her +hand. Rosie stood by, anxiously waiting to hear its contents. + +"How long are you going to be about it?" she exclaimed. "Let me read it +for you." + +Fan held it back, and went on perusing it slowly. It was from Miss +Starbrow at Twickenham, and said: "Come to me here by train from +Westbourne Park Station. Bring two or three dresses and all you will +require in my bag. Shall remain here several days. The housekeeper will +meet you at Twickenham Station." + +She allowed Rosie to read the message, and was told that Twickenham was +very near London; that she must take a cab to get quickly to Westbourne +Park Station, so as not to keep Miss Starbrow waiting. Then, while Fan +changed her dress and got herself ready, the maid selected one of Miss +Starbrow's best bags and busied herself in folding up and packing as +many of Fan's things as she could cram into it. Then she ran out to call +a cab, leaving Fan again studying the telegram and feeling strangely +perplexed at being thus suddenly sent for by her mistress, who had gone +out of the house without speaking one word to her. + +In a few minutes the cab was at the door, and Rosie officiously helped +the girl in, handed her the bag, and told her to pay the cabman one +shilling. After it started she rushed excitedly into the road and +stopped it. + +"Oh, I forgot, Miss Fan, leave the telegram, you don't want it any +more," she said, coming to the side of the cab. + +Fan mechanically pulled the yellow envelope from her pocket and gave it +to her without question, and was then driven off. But in her agitation +at the sudden summons she had thrust the missive and the cover +separately into her pocket, so that Rosie had after all only got the +envelope. It was a little matter--a small oversight caused by hurry--but +the result was important; in all probability Fan's whole after life +would have been different if she had not made that trivial mistake. + +She was quickly at the station, and after taking her ticket had only +a few minutes to wait for a train; half an hour later she was at +Twickenham Station. As soon as the platform was clear of the other +passengers who had alighted, a respectably-dressed woman got up from one +of the seats and came up to Fan. "You are Miss Affleck," she said, with +a furtive glance at the girl's face. "Miss Starbrow sent me to meet you. +She is going to stay a few days with friends just outside of Twickenham. +Will you please come this way?" + +She took the bag from Fan, then led the way not to, but round the +village, and at some distance beyond it into a road with trees planted +in it and occasional garden-seats. They followed this road for about a +quarter of a mile, then left it, and the villas and houses near it, and +struck across a wide field. Beyond it, in an open space, they came to an +isolated terrace of small red-brick cottages. The cottages seemed newly +built and empty, and no person was moving about; nor had any road been +made, but the houses stood on the wet clay, full of deep cart-wheel +ruts, and strewn with broken bricks and builders' rubbish. In the +middle of the row Fan noticed that one of the cottages was inhabited, +apparently by very poor people, for as she passed by with her guide, +three or four children and a woman, all wretchedly dressed, came out and +stared curiously at her. Then, to her surprise, her guide stopped at the +last house of the row, and opened the door with a latchkey. The windows +were all closed, and from the outside it looked uninhabited, and as +they went into the narrow uncarpeted hall Fan began to experience some +nervous fears. Why had her mistress, a rich woman, with a luxurious home +of her own, come into this miserable suburban cottage? The door of a +small square room on the ground-floor was standing open, and looking +into it she saw that it contained a couple of chairs and a table, but no +other furniture and no carpet. + +"Where's Miss Starbrow?" she asked, becoming alarmed. + +"Upstairs, waiting for you. This way, please"; and taking Fan by the +hand, she attempted to lead her up the narrow uncarpeted stairs. But +suddenly, with a cry of terror, the girl snatched herself free and +rushed down into the open room, and stood there panting, white and +trembling with terror, her eyes dilated, like some wild animal that +finds itself caught in a trap. + +"What ails you?" said the woman, quickly following her down. + +"Captain Horton is there--I saw him looking down!" said Fan, in a +terrified whisper. "Oh, please let me out--let me out!" + +"Why, what nonsense you are talking, to be sure! There's no Captain +Horton here, and what's more, I don't know who Captain Horton is. It was +Miss Starbrow you saw waiting for you on the landing." + +"No, no, no--let me out! let me out!" was Fan's only reply. + +The woman then made a dash at her, but the girl, now wild with fear, +sprang quickly from her, and running round the room came to the window +at the front, and began madly pulling at the fastenings to open it. +There she was seized, but not to be conquered yet, for the sense of the +terrible peril she was in gave her an unnatural strength, and struggling +still to return to the window, her only way of escape, they presently +came violently against it and shattered a pane of glass. At this moment +the woman, exerting her whole strength, succeeded in dragging her back +to the middle of the room; and Fan, finding that she was being overcome, +burst forth in a succession of piercing screams, which had the effect of +quickly bringing Captain Horton on to the scene. + +"Oh, you've come at last! There--manage her yourself--the wild beast!" +cried the woman, flinging the girl from her towards him. + +He caught her in his arms. "Will you stop screaming?" he shouted; but +Fan only screamed the louder. + +"Stop her--stop her quick, or we'll have those people and the police +here," cried the woman, running to the window and peering out at the +broken pane to see if the noise had attracted their neighbours. + +He succeeded in getting one of his hands over her mouth, and still +keeping her clasped firmly with the other arm, began drawing her towards +the door. But not even yet was she wholly overcome; all the power which +had been in her imprisoned arms and hands appeared suddenly to have gone +into the muscles of her jaws, and in a moment her sharp teeth had cut +his hand to the bone. + +"Oh, curse the hell-cat!" he cried; and maddened with rage at the pain, +he struck her from him, and her head coming violently in contact with +the sharp edge of the table, she was thrown down senseless on the floor. +Her forehead was deeply cut, and presently the blood began flowing over +her still, white face. + +The woman now became terrified in her turn. + +"You have killed her!" she cried. "Oh, Captain, you have killed her, and +you'll hang for it and make me hang too. Oh God! what's to be done now?" + +"Hold your noise, you cursed fool!" exclaimed the other, in a rage. "Get +some cold water and dash it over her face." + +She obeyed quickly enough, and kneeling down washed the blood from the +girl's face and hair, and loosened her dress. But the fear that they +would be discovered unnerved her, her hands shook, and she kept on +moaning that the girl was dead, that they would be found out and tried +for murder. + +"She's not dead, I tell you--damn you for a fool!" exclaimed Captain +Horton, dashing the blood from his wounded hand and stamping on the +floor in a rage. + +"She is! she is! There's not a spark of life in her that I can feel! Oh, +what shall I do?" + +He pushed her roughly aside and felt for the girl's pulse, and placed +his hand over her heart, but was perhaps too much agitated himself to +feel its feeble pulsations. + +"Good God, it can't be!" he said. "A girl can't be killed with a light +knock in falling like that. No, no, she'll come to presently and be all +right. And we're safe enough--not a soul knows where she is." + +"Oh, don't you think that!" returned the woman, again kneeling down and +chafing and slapping Fan's palms, and moistening her face. "The people +at the other house were all there watching us when I brought the girl +in. They're curious about it, and maybe suspect something; and when the +policeman comes round you may be sure they'll tell him, and they'll have +heard the screams too, and they'll be watching about now. Oh, what a +blessed fool I was to have anything to do with it!" + +Captain Horton began cursing her again; but just then Fan's bosom moved, +she drew a long breath, and presently her eyes opened. + +They were watching her with a feeling of intense relief, thinking that +they had now escaped from a great and terrible danger. Fan looked up +into the face of the woman bent over her, and gazed at her in a dazed +kind of way, not yet remembering where she was or what had befallen her. +Then she glanced at the man's face, a little distance off, shivered and +closed her eyes, and in her stillness and extreme pallor seemed to have +become insensible again, although her white lips twitched at intervals. + +"Go away, for God's sake! Go to the other room--it kills her to see +you!" said the woman, in an excited whisper. + +He moved away and slipped out at the door very quietly, but presently +called softly to the woman. + +"Here, make her swallow a little brandy," he said, giving her a pocket +flask. + +In about half an hour Fan had recovered so far that she could sit up in +a chair; but with her strength her distress and terror came back, and +feeling herself powerless she began to cry and beg to be let out. + +The woman went to the door and spoke softly to her companion. + +"It's all right now; she's getting over it." + +"It's all wrong, I tell you," said the other with an oath, and in a tone +of concentrated rage. "There are two of your neighbour's boys prying +about in front and trying to peer through the window. For heaven's sake +get rid of her and let her go as soon as you can." + +She was about to return to Fan when he called her back. + +"Take her to the station yourself," he said; and proceeded to give her +some directions which she promised to obey, after which she came back to +Fan, to find her at the window feebly struggling to unfasten the stiff +catch. + +"Don't you be afraid any more, my dear," she said effusively. "I'll take +you back to the station as soon as you're well enough to walk. You've +had a fall against the table and hurt yourself a little, but you'll soon +be all right." + +Fan looked at her and shrunk away as she approached, and then turned her +eyes, dilating again with fear, towards the door. + +"He's gone, my dear, and won't come near you again, so don't you fear. +Sit down quietly and I'll make you a cup of tea, and then you'll be able +to walk to the station." + +But Fan would not be reassured, and continued piteously begging the +woman to let her out. + +"Very well, you shall go out; only take a little brandy first to give +you strength to walk." + +Fan thrust the flask away, and then putting her hand to her forehead, +cried out: + +"Oh, what's this on my head?" + +"Only a bit of sticking-plaster where you hit yourself against the +table, my dear." + +Then she smoothed out Fan's broken hat, and with a wet sponge cleaned +the bloodstains from her gown, and finally opening the door and with the +bag in her hand, she accompanied the girl out. + +Once in the cold keen air Fan began to recover strength and confidence, +but she was still too weak to walk fast, and when they had got to the +long road where the benches were, she was compelled to sit down and rest +for some time. + +"Where are you going after I leave you at the station?" asked the woman. + +"To London--to Westbourne Park." + +"And then?" + +"I don't know--I can't think. Oh, please leave me here!" + +"No, my dear, I'll see you in your train at the station." + +"Perhaps _he_'ll be there," said Fan, in sudden fear. + +"Oh no, bless you, _he_ won't be there. He didn't mean any harm, don't +you believe it. We were only going to shut you up in the house just for +a few days because Miss Starbrow wanted us to." + +"Miss Starbrow!" + +"Why, yes; didn't you get her telegram telling you to come to Twickenham +to her, and that I'd meet you at the station?" + +"Yes, I remember. Where is she?" + +"The Lord knows, my dear. But it seems she's taken a great hatred to +you, and can't abide you, and that's all I know. She came this morning +with Captain Horton, and they arranged it all together; and she +telegraphed and then went away, and said she hated the very sight of +your face; and hoped I'd keep you safe because she never wanted to see +you again, and was sorry she ever took you." + +"But why--why--what had I done?" moaned Fan, the tears coming to her +eyes. + +"There's no knowing why, except that she's a cruel, wicked, bad woman. +That's all I know about it. Where is the telegram--have you got it?" + +Fan put her hand into her pocket and then drew it out again. + +"No, I haven't got it; I gave it to Rosie before I left--I remember now +she asked me for it when I was in the cab." + +"That's all right; it doesn't matter a bit. But tell me, where are you +going when you get back to London--back to Miss Starbrow?" + +Fan looked at her, puzzled and surprised at the question. "But you say +she sent for me to shut me up because she hated me, and never wished to +see me again." + +"Yes, my dear, that's quite right what I told you. But what are you +going to do in London? Where will you go to sleep to-night? Here's your +bag you'd forgotten all about; if you go and forget it you'll have no +clothes to change; and perhaps you'll lose yourself in London, and +when they ask you where you belong, you'll let them take you to Miss +Starbrow's house." + +The woman in her anxiety was quite voluble; while Fan slowly turned +it all over in her mind before replying. "My head is paining so, I was +forgetting. But I shan't lose my bag, and I'll find some place to sleep +to-night. No, I'll never, never go back to Mary--to Miss Starbrow." + +"And you'll be able to take care of yourself?" + +"Yes; will you let me go now?" + +"Come then, I'll put you in your train with your bag; and don't you go +and speak to anyone about what happened here, and then you'll be quite +safe. Let Miss Starbrow think you are shut up safe out of her sight, and +then she won't trouble herself about you." + +"There's no one I can speak to--I have no one," said Fan, mournfully; +after which they went on to the station, and she was put into her +train with her bag, and about three o'clock in the afternoon arrived at +Westbourne Park Station. + +There were clothes enough in her bag to last her for some time with +those she was wearing, and money in her purse--two or three shillings +in small change and the sovereign which had been in her possession for +several months. Food and shelter could therefore be had, and she was not +a poor girl in rags now, but well dressed, so that she could go without +fear or shame to any registry office to seek an engagement. These +thoughts passed vaguely through her brain; her head seemed splitting, +and she could scarcely stand on her legs when she got out of the train +at Westbourne Park. It would be a dreadful thing if she were to fall +down in the streets, overcome with faintness, she thought, for then her +bag and purse might be stolen from her, or worse still, she might be +taken back to the house of her cruel enemy. Clinging to her bag, she +walked on as fast as she could seeking for some humble street with rooms +to let--some refuge to lie down in and rest her throbbing head. She +passed through Colville Gardens, scarcely knowing where she was; but the +tall, gloomy, ugly houses there were all too big for her; and she did +not know that in some of them were refuges for poor girls--servants and +governesses out of place--where for a few shillings a week she might +have had board and lodging. Turning aside, she came into the long, +narrow, crooked Portobello Road, full of grimy-looking shops, and after +walking a little further turned at last into a short street of small +houses tenanted by people of the labourer class. + +At one of these houses she was shown a small furnished room by a +suspicious-looking woman, who asked four-and-sixpence a week for it, +including "hot water." Fan agreed to take it for a week at that rent. +The poor woman wanted the money, but seemed undecided. Presently she +said, "You see, miss, it's like this, you haven't got no box, and ain't +dressed like one that lodges in these places, and--and I couldn't let +you the room without the money down." + +"Oh, I'll pay you now," said Fan; and taking the sovereign from her +purse, asked the woman to get change. + +"Very well, miss; if you'll go downstairs, I'll put the room straight +for you." + +"Oh, I must lie down now, my head is aching so," said Fan, feeling that +she could no longer stand. + +"What ails you--are you going to be ill?" + +"No, no; this morning I had a fall and struck my head and hurt it +so--look," and taking off her hat, she showed the plaster on her +forehead. + +That satisfied the woman, who had only been thinking of fever and her +own little ones, who were more to her than any stranger, and her manner +became kind at once. She imagined that her lodger was a young lady +who for some reason had run away from her friends. Smoothing down the +coverlet, she went away to get change, closing the door after her, and +then, with a sigh of relief, Fan threw herself on to the poor bed. + +The pain she was in, and state of exhaustion after the violent emotions +and the rough handling she had experienced, prevented her from thinking +much of her miserable forlorn condition. She only wished for rest Yet +she could not rest, but turned her hot flushed face and throbbing head +from side to side, moaning with pain. By-and-by the woman came back with +the change and a very big cup of hot tea. + +"This'll do your head good," she said. "Better drink it hot, miss; I +always say there's nothing like a cup of tea for the headache." + +Fan took it gratefully and drank the whole of it, though it was rougher +tea than she had been accustomed to of late. And the woman proved a +good physician; it had the effect of throwing her into a profuse +perspiration, and before she had been alone for many minutes she fell +asleep. + +She did not wake until past nine o'clock, and found a lighted candle on +her table; her poor landlady had been up perhaps more than once to visit +her. She felt greatly refreshed; the danger, if there had been any, +was over now, but she was still drowsy--so drowsy that she longed to +be asleep again; and she only got up to undress and go to bed in a more +regular way. The time to think had not come yet; sleep alone seemed +sweet to her, and in its loving arms she would lie, for it seemed like +one that loved her always, like her poor dead mother who had never +turned against her and used her cruelly. Before she closed her heavy +eyes the landlady came into her room again to see her, and Fan gave her +a shilling to get some tea and bread-and-butter for her breakfast next +day. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +When Fan awoke, physically well and refreshed by her long slumber, it +had been light some time, with such dim light as found entrance through +the clouded panes of one small window. The day was gloomy, with a +bitterly cold blustering east wind, which made the loose window-sashes +rattle in their frames, and blew the pungent smell of city smoke in +at every crack. She sat up and looked round at the small cheerless +apartment, with no fireplace, and for only furniture the bed she was +lying on, one cane-chair over which her clothes were thrown, and a +circular iron wash-stand, with yellow stone jug and ewer, and underneath +a shelf for the soap dish. + +She shivered and dropped her head again on the pillow. Then, for the +first time since that terrible experience of the previous day, she +began to realise her position, and to wonder greatly why she had been +subjected to such cruel treatment. The time had already come of +which Mary had once spoken prophetically, when they would be for ever +separated, and she would have to go out into the world unaided and fight +her own battle. But, oh! why had not Mary spoken to her, and told her +that she could no longer keep her, and sent her away? For then there +would still have been affection and gratitude in her heart for the woman +who had done so much for her, and she would have looked forward with +hope to a future meeting. Love and hope would have cheered her in her +loneliness, and made her strong in her efforts to live. But now all +loving ties had been violently sundered, now the separation was eternal. +Even as death had divided her from her poor mother, this cruel deed had +now put her for all time apart from the one friend she had possessed in +the world. What had she done, what had she done to be treated so hardly? +Had she not been faithful, loving her mistress with her whole heart? It +was little to give in return for so much, but it was her all, and Mary +had required nothing more from her. It was not enough; Mary had grown +tired of her at last. And not tired only: her loving-kindness had turned +to wormwood and gall; the very sight of the girl she had rescued and +cared for had become hateful to her, and her unjust hatred and anger had +resulted in that cruel outrage. Now she understood the reason of that +change in Mary, when she grew silent and stern and repellent before that +fatal morning when she went away to carry out her heartless scheme of +revenge. But revenge for what?--and Fan could only moan again and again, +"What had I done? what had I done?" What had she ever done that she +should not be loved and allowed to live in peace and happiness--what had +she done to her brutal stepfather, or to Captain Horton and to Rosie, +that they should take pleasure in tormenting her? + +When the woman came in with the breakfast she found Fan lying sobbing on +her pillow. + +"Oh, that's wrong to cry so," she said, putting the tray on the table +and coming to the bedside. "Don't take on so, my poor young lady. +Things'll come right by-and-by. You'll write to your mother and +father----" + +"I've no mother and father," said Fan, trying to repress her sobs. + +"Then you'll have brothers and sisters and friends." + +"No, I've got no one. I only had one friend, and she's turned against +me, and I'm alone. I'm not a young lady; my mother was poorer than you, +and I must get something to do to make my living." + +This confession was a little shock to the woman, for it spoilt her +romance, and the result was that her interest in her young lodger +diminished considerably. + +"Well, it ain't no use taking on, all the same," she said, in a tone +somewhat less deferential and kind than before. "And it's too bad a +day for you to go out and look for anything. It's going to snow, +I'm thinking; so you'd better have your breakfast in bed and stay in +to-day." + +Fan took her advice and remained all day in her room, thinking only of +the strange thing that had happened to her, of the misery of a life with +no one to love. Mary's image remained persistently in her mind, while +the bitter wind without made strange noises in the creaking zinc +chimney-pots, and rattled the window and hurled furious handfuls of +mingled dust and sleet against the panes. And yet she felt no anger in +her heart; unspeakable grief and despair precluded anger, and again and +again she cried, her whole frame convulsed with sobs, and the tears and +sobs exhausted her body but brought no relief to her mind. + +Next day there was no wind, though it was still intensely cold, with a +dull grey cloud threatening snow over the whole sky; but it was time +for her to be up and doing, and she went out to seek for employment. She +wandered about in a somewhat aimless way, until, in the Ladbroke Grove +Road, she found a servants' registry-office, and went in to apply for a +place as nursemaid or nursery-governess. Mary had once told her that she +was fit for such a place, and there was nothing else she could think of. +A woman in the office took down her name and address, and promised to +send for her if she had any applications. She did not know of anyone +in need of a nursemaid or nursery-governess. "But you can call again +to-morrow and inquire," she added. + +On the following day she was advised to wait in the office so as to be +on the spot should anyone call to engage a girl. After waiting for +some hours the woman began to question her, and finding that she had no +knowledge of children, and had never been in service and could give +no references, told her brusquely that she was giving a great deal of +unnecessary trouble, and that she need not come to the office again, as +in the circumstances no lady would think of taking her. + +Fan returned to her lodgings very much cast down, and there being no one +else to seek counsel from, told her troubles to her landlady. But the +poor woman had nothing very hopeful to say, and could only tell Fan of +another registry-office in Notting Hill High Street, and advise her to +apply there. + +This was a larger place, and after her name, address, and other +particulars had been taken down in a book, she ventured to ask whether +her not having been in a place before, and being without a reference, +would make it very difficult for her to get a situation; the woman of +the office merely said, "One never knows." + +This was not very encouraging, but she was told that she could come +every day and sit as long as she liked in the waiting-room. There were +always several girls and women there--a row of them sitting chatting +together on chairs ranged against the wall--house, parlour, and +kitchen-maids out of places; and a few others of a better description, +modest-looking, well-dressed young women, who came and stood about for +a few minutes and then went away again. Of the girls of this kind +Fan alone remained patiently at her post, taking no interest in the +conversation of the others, anxious only to avoid their bold inquisitive +looks and to keep herself apart from them. Yet their conversation, to +anyone wishing to know something of the lights and shadows of downstair +life, was instructive and interesting enough. + +"Only seven days in your last place!" + +"Oh, I say!" + +"But what did you leave for?" + +"Because she was a beast--my missus was; and what I told her was that it +was seven days too much." + +"You never did!" + +"Oh, I say!" + +"And what did she say?" + +"Well, it was like this. I was a-doing of my hair in the kitchen with +the curling-iron, when down comes Miss Julia. 'Oh, you are frizzing your +hair!' she says. 'Yes, miss,' I says, 'have you any objection?' I says. +'Ma won't let you have a fringe,' she says. When I loses my temper, and +I says, 'Well, Miss Himperence, you can go and tell your ma that she can +find a servant as can do without a fringe.'" + +"Oh, I say!" etc., etc., etc. + +They also made critical remarks on Fan's appearance, wondering what a +"young lady" wanted among servants. She felt no pride at being taken for +a lady; she had no feeling and no thought that gave her any pleasure, +but only a dull aching at the heart, only the wish in her mind to find +something to do and save herself from utter destitution. + +For three days she continued to attend at the office, and beyond a short +"Good morning" from the woman that kept it each day, not a word was +spoken to her. The third day was Saturday, when the office would close +early; and after twelve o'clock, seeing that the others were all going, +she too left, to spend the time as best she could until the following +Monday. The day was windless and bright, and full of the promise of +spring. Not feeling hungry she did not return to her lodgings, but went +for a short walk in Kensington Gardens. Leaving the Broad Walk, she went +into that secluded spot near the old farm-like buildings of Kensington +Palace and sat down on one of the seats among the yews and fir trees. +The new gate facing Bayswater Hill has changed that spot now, making +it more public, but it was very quiet on that day as she sat there by +herself. On that beautiful spring morning her heart seemed strangely +heavy, and her life more lonely and desolate than ever. The memory of +her loss came over her like a bitter flood, and covering her face with +her hands she gave free vent to her grief. There was no person near, +no one to be attracted by her sobs. But one person was passing at some +distance, and glancing in her direction through the trees, saw her, +and stopped in her walk. It was Miss Starbrow, and in the figure of the +weeping girl she had recognised Fan. Her face darkened, and she walked +on, but presently she stopped again, and stood irresolute, swinging +the end of her sunshade over the young grass. At length she turned and +walked slowly towards the girl, but Fan was sobbing with covered face, +and did not hear her steps and rustling dress. For some moments Miss +Starbrow continued watching her, a scornful smile on her lips and a +strange look in her eyes as of a slightly cruel feeling struggling +against compassion. At length she spoke, startling Fan with her voice +sounding so close to her. + +"Crying? Well, I am glad that your sin has found you out! Glad you have +met with some thief cleverer than yourself, who has stolen your booty, I +suppose, and left you penniless--a beggar as I found you! I admire your +courage in coming here, but you needn't be afraid; I'll have mercy on +you. You have punished yourself more than I could punish you; and some +day I shall perhaps see you again in rags, starving in the streets, and +shall fling a penny to you." + +Fan had started at first with an instinctive fear--a vague apprehension +that she would be seized and dragged away to be shut up and tortured +as Miss Starbrow had desired. But suddenly this feeling gave place to +another, to a burning resentment experienced for the first time against +this woman who had made her suffer so cruelly, and now came to taunt her +and mock at her misery. It suffocated and made her dumb for a time. Then +she burst out: "You wicked bad woman! You beast--you beast, how I hate +you! Oh, I wish God would strike you dead!" + +"How dare you say such things to me, you ungrateful, shameless little +thief!" + +"You liar--you beast of a liar!" exclaimed Fan, still torn with the rage +that possessed her. "Go away, you liar! Leave me, you wicked devil! I +hate you! I hate you!" + +Miss Starbrow uttered a little scornful laugh. "You would have some +reason to hate me if I were to shut you up for six months with hard +labour," she answered, turning aside as if about to walk away. + +To shut her up for six months! Yes, that was what she had tried to do +with the assistance of a strong man and woman. And what other tortures +and sufferings had she intended to inflict on her victim! It was too +much to be reminded of this. It turned her blood into liquid fire, and +maddened her brain; and struggling to find words to speak the rage +that overmastered her, suddenly, as if by a miracle, every evil term of +reproach, every profane and blasphemous expression of drunken brutish +anger she had heard and shuddered at in the old days in Moon Street, +flashed back into her mind, and she poured them out in a furious +torrent, hurled them at her torturer; and then, exhausted, sunk back +into her seat, and covering her face again, sobbed convulsively. + +Miss Starbrow's face turned crimson with shame, and she moved two or +three steps away; then she turned, and said in cold incisive tones: + +"I see, Fan, that you have not forgotten all the nice things you learnt +before I took you out of the slums to shelter and feed and clothe +you. This will be a lesson to me: I had not thought so meanly of +the suffering poor as you make me think. They say that even dogs are +grateful to those that feed them. And I did more than feed you, Fan. +That's the last word you will ever hear from me." + +She was moving away, but Fan, stung by a reproach so cruelly unjust, +started to her feet with a cry of passion. + +"Yes, I know you gave me these things--oh, I wish I could tear off this +dress you gave me! And this is the money you gave me--take it! I hate +it!" And drawing her purse from her pocket, she flung it down at Miss +Starbrow's feet. Then, searching for something else to fling back to the +donor, she drew out that crumpled pink paper which had been all the time +in her pocket. "And take this too--the wicked telegram you sent me. It +is yours, like the money--take it, you bad, hateful woman!" + +Miss Starbrow still remained standing near, watching her, and in spite +of her own great anger, she could not help feeling very much astonished +at such an outburst of fury from a girl who had always seemed to her so +mild-spirited. She touched the crumpled piece of paper with her foot, +then glanced back at the girl seated again with bowed head and covered +face. What had she meant by a telegram? Curiosity overcame the impulse +to walk away, and stooping, she picked up the paper and smoothed it +out and read, "From Miss Starbrow, Twickenham. To Miss Affleck, Dawson +Place." + +She had not been to Twickenham, and had sent no telegram to Fan. Then +she read the message and turned the paper over, and read it again and +again, glancing at intervals at the girl. Then she went up to her and +put her hand on her shoulder. Fan started and shook the hand off, and +raised her eyes wet with tears and red with weeping, but still full of +anger. + +Miss Starbrow caught her by the arm. "Tell me what this means--this +telegram; when did you get it, and who gave it to you?" she said in such +a tone that the girl was compelled to obey. + +"You know when you sent it," said Fan. + +"I never sent it! Oh, my God, can't you understand what I say? +Answer--answer my question!" + +"Rosie gave it to me." + +"And you went to Twickenham?" + +"Yes." + +"And what happened?" + +"And the woman you sent to meet me--" + +"Hush! don't say that. Are you daft? Don't I tell you I never sent it. +Tell me, tell me, or you'll drive me mad!" + +Fan looked at her in astonishment. Could it be that it had never entered +into Mary's heart to do this cruel thing? That raging tempest in her +heart was fast subsiding. She began to collect her faculties. + +"The woman met me," she continued, "and took me a long way from the +station to a little house. She tried to take me upstairs. She said you +were waiting for me, but I looked up and saw Captain Horton peeping over +the banisters--" + +Miss Starbrow clenched her hands and uttered a little cry. Her face had +become white, and she turned away from the girl. Presently she sat down, +and said in a strangely altered voice, "Tell me, Fan, did you take some +jewels from my dressing-table--a brooch and three rings, and some other +things?" + +"I took nothing except what you--what the telegram said, and Rosie put +the things in a bag and got the cab for me." + +For a minute or two Miss Starbrow sat in silence, and then got up and +said: + +"Come, Fan." + +"Where?" + +"Home with me to Dawson Place." Then she added, "Must I tell you again +that I have done nothing to harm you? Do you not understand that it was +all a wicked horrible plot to get you away and destroy you, that the +telegram was a forgery, that the jewels were taken to make it appear +that you had stolen them and run away during my absence from the house?" + +Fan rose and followed her, and when they got to the Bayswater Road Miss +Starbrow called a cab. + +"Where is your bag--where did you sleep last night?" she asked; and when +Fan had told her she said, "Tell the man to drive us there," and got in. + +In a few minutes they arrived at her lodging, and Fan got out and went +in to get her bag. She did not owe anything for rent, having paid in +advance, but she gave the woman a shilling. + +"I knew I was right," said the woman, who was now all smiles. "Bless +you, miss, you ain't fit to make your own living like one of us. Well, +I'm real pleased your friends has found you." + +Fan got into the cab again, and they proceeded in silence to Dawson +Place. A small boy in buttons, who had only been engaged a day or two +before, opened the door to them. They went up to the bedroom on the +first floor. + +"Sit down, Fan, and rest yourself," said Miss Starbrow, closing and +locking the door; then after moving about the room in an aimless way for +a little while, she came and sat down near the girl. "Before you tell me +this dreadful story, Fan," she said, "I wish to ask you one thing more. +One day last week when it was raining you came home from Kensington with +a young man. Who was he--a friend of yours?" + +"A friend of mine! oh no. I was hurrying back in the rain when he came +up to me and held his umbrella over my head, and walked to the door with +me. It was kind of him, I thought, because he was a stranger, and I had +never seen him before." + +"It was a small thing, but you usually tell me everything, and you did +not tell me this?" + +"No, I was waiting to tell you that--and something else, and didn't tell +you because you seemed angry with me, and I was afraid to speak to you." + +"What was the something else you were going to tell me?" + +Fan related the scene she had witnessed in the drawing-room. It had +seemed a great thing then, and had disturbed her very much, but now, +after all she had recently gone through, it seemed a very trivial +matter. + +To the other it did not appear so small a matter, to judge from her +black looks. She got up and moved about the room again, and then once +more sat down beside the girl. + +"Now tell me your own story--everything from the moment you got the +telegram up to our meeting in the Gardens." + +With half-averted face she listened, while the girl again began the +interrupted narration, and went on telling everything to the finish, +wondering at times why Mary sat so silent with face averted, as if +afraid to meet her eyes. But when she finished Mary turned and took her +hand. + +"Poor Fan," she said, "you have gone through a dreadful experience, and +scarcely seem to understand even now what danger you were in. But there +will be time enough to talk of all this--to congratulate you on such a +fortunate escape; just now I have got to deal with that infamous wretch +of a girl who still poisons the house with her presence." + +She rose and rung the bell sharply, and when the boy in buttons answered +it, she ordered him to send Rosie to her. + +"She's gone," said he. + +"Gone! what do you mean--when did she go?" + +"Just now, ma'am. She came up to speak to you when you came in, and then +she got her box down and went away in a cab." + +Miss Starbrow then sent for the cook. "What does this mean about Rosie's +going?" she demanded of that person. "How came you to let her go without +informing me?" + +"She came down and said she had had some words with you, and was going +to leave because Miss Fan had been took back." + +"And the wretch has then got away with my jewellery! What else did she +say?" + +"Nothing very good, ma'am. I'd rather not tell you." + +"Tell me at once when I order you." + +"I asked if she was going without her wages and a character, and she +said as you had paid her her wages, \and she didn't want a character, +because she didn't consider the house was respectable." + +Miss Starbrow sent her away and closed the door; presently she sat +down at some distance from Fan, but spoke no word. Fan was in a low +easy-chair near the window, through which the sun was shining very +brightly. She looked pale and languid, resting her cheek on her palm and +never moving; only at intervals, when Miss Starbrow, with an exclamation +of rage, would rise and take a few steps about the room and then drop +into her seat again, the girl would raise her eyes and glance at her. +All the keen suffering, the strife, the bitterness of heart and anger +were over, and the reaction had come. It had all been a mistake; Mary +had never dreamt of doing her harm: the whole trouble had been brought +about by Captain Horton and Rosie; but she remembered them with a +strange indifference; the fire of anger had burnt itself out in her +heart and could not be rekindled. + +With the other it was different. It had been a great shock to her to +discover that the girl she had befriended, and loved as she had never +loved anyone of her own sex before, was so false, so unutterably base. +For some little time she refused to believe it, and a horrible suspicion +of foul play had crossed her mind. But the proofs stared her in the +face, and she remembered that Fan had kept that acquaintance she had +formed with someone out of doors a secret. On returning to the house in +the evening, she was told that shortly after she had gone out for the +day a letter was brought addressed to Fan, and, when questioned, she had +refused to tell Rosie who it was from. At one o'clock Rosie had gone +up with her dinner, and, missing her, had searched for her in all the +rooms, and was then amazed to find that most of the girl's clothes +had also disappeared. But she did not know that anything else had +been taken. Miss Starbrow missed some jewels she had put on her +dressing-table, and on a further search it was discovered that other +valuables, and one of her best travelling bags, were also gone. The +astonishment and indignation displayed by the maid, who exclaimed that +she had always considered Fan a sly little hypocrite, helped perhaps to +convince her mistress that the girl had taken advantage of her absence +to make her escape from the house. Miss Starbrow remembered how confused +and guilty she had looked for two or three days before her flight, and +came to the conclusion that the young friend out of doors, not being +able to see Fan, had kept a watch on the house, and had cunningly +arranged it all, and finally sent or left the letter instructing her +where to meet him, also probably advising her what to take. + +But Miss Starbrow had not been entirely bound up in the girl: she had +other affections and interests in life, and great as the shock had been +and the succeeding anger, she had recovered her self-possession, and had +set herself to banish Fan from her remembrance. She was ashamed to let +her servants and friends see how deeply she had been wounded by the +little starving wretch she had compassionately rescued from the streets. +Outwardly she did not appear much affected; and when Rosie, with +well-feigned surprise, asked if the police were not to be employed +to trace the stolen articles and arrest the thief, she only laughed +carelessly and replied: "No; she has punished herself enough already, +and the trinkets have no doubt been sold before now, and could not be +traced." + +Rosie hurried away to hide the relief she felt, for she had been +trembling to think what might happen if some cunning detective were to +be employed to make investigations in the house. + +Now, however, when Mary began to recover from the amazement caused by +Fan's narrative, a dull rage took such complete possession of her that +it left no room for any other feeling. The girl sitting there with bent +head seemed no more to her than some stranger who had just come in, and +about whom she knew and cared nothing. All that Fan had suffered was +forgotten: she only thought of herself, of the outrage on her feelings, +of the vile treachery of the man who had pretended to love her, whom she +had loved and had treated so kindly, helping him with money and in other +ways, and forgiving him again and again when he had offended her. She +could not rest or sit still when she thought of it, and she thought of +it continually and of nothing else. She rose and paced the room, pausing +at every step, and turning herself from side to side, like some savage +animal, strong and lithe and full of deadly rage, but unable to spring, +trapped and shut within iron bars. Her face had changed to a livid +white, and looked hard and pitiless, and her eyes had a fixed stony +stare like those of a serpent. And at intervals, as she moved about the +room, she clenched her hands with such energy that the nails wounded her +palms. And from time to time her rage would rise to a kind of frenzy, +and find expression in a voice strangely harsh and unnatural, deeper +than a man's, and then suddenly rising to a shrill piercing key that +startled Fan and made her tremble. Poor Fan! that little burst of +transitory anger she had experienced in the Gardens seemed now only a +pitifully weak exhibition compared with the black tempest raging in this +strong, undisciplined woman's soul. + +"And I have loved him--loved that hell-hound! God! shall I ever cease +to despise and loathe myself for sinking into such a depth of infamy! +Never--never--until his viper head has been crushed under my heel! To +strike! to crush! to torture! How?--have I no mind to think? Nothing can +I do--nothing--nothing! Are there no means? Ah, how sweet to scorch the +skin and make the handsome face loathsome to look at! To burn the eyes +up in their sockets--to shut up the soul for ever in thick blackness!... +Oh, is there no wise theologian who can prove to me that there is a +hell, that he will be chained there and tortured everlastingly! That +would satisfy me--to remember it would be sweeter than Heaven." + +Suddenly she turned in a kind of fury on Fan, who had risen trembling +from her seat. "Sit down!" she said. "Hide your miserable white face +from my sight! You could have warned me in time, you could have saved me +from this, and you failed to do it! Oh, I could strike you dead with my +hand for your imbecile cowardice!... And he will escape me! To blast his +name, to hold him up to public scorn and hatred, years of imprisonment +in a felon's cell--all, all the suffering we can inflict on such a +fiendish wretch seems weak and childish, and could give no comfort to +my soul. Oh, it drives me mad to think of it--I shall go mad--I shall +go mad!" And shrieking, and with eyes that seemed starting from their +sockets, she began madly tearing her hair and clothes. + +Fan had risen again, white and trembling at that awful sight; and unable +to endure it longer, she sprang to the door, and crying out with terror, +flew down to the kitchen. The cook returned with her, and on entering +the room they discovered their mistress in a mad fit of hysterics, +shrieking with laughter, and tearing her clothes off. The woman was +strong, and seeing that prompt action was needed, seized her mistress in +her arms and threw her on to the couch, and held her there in spite of +her frantic struggles. Assisted by Fan, she then emptied the contents +of the toilet jug over her face and naked bosom, half drowning her; and +after a while Miss Starbrow ceased her struggles, and sank back gasping +and half fainting on the cushion, her eyes closed and her face ghostly +white. + +"You see," said the cook to Fan, "she never had one before, and she's a +strong one, and it's always worse for that sort when it do come. Lor', +what a temper she must have been in to take on so!" + +Between them they succeeded in undressing and placing her on her bed, +where she lay for an hour in a half-conscious state; but later in the +day she began to recover, and moved to the couch near the fire, while +Fan sat beside her on the carpet, watching the face that looked so +strange in its whiteness and languor, and keeping the firelight from the +half-closed eyes. + +"Oh, Fan, how weak I feel now--so weak!" she murmured. "And a little +while ago I felt so strong! If he had been present I could have torn the +flesh from his bones. No tiger in the jungle maddened by the hunters has +such strength as I felt in me then. And now it has all gone, and he has +escaped from me. Let him go. All the kindly feeling I had for him--all +the hopes for his future welfare, all my secret plans to aid him--they +are dead. But it was all so sudden. Was it to-day, Fan, that I saw you +sitting in Kensington Gardens, crying by yourself, or a whole year ago? +Poor Fan! poor Fan!" + +The girl had hid her face against Mary's knee. + +"But why do you cry, my poor girl?" + +"Oh, dear Mary, will you ever forgive me?" said Fan, half raising her +tearful face. + +"Forgive you, Fan! For what?" + +"For what I said to-day in the Gardens. Oh, why, why did I say such +dreadful things! Oh, I am so--so sorry--I am so sorry!" + +"I remember now, but I had forgotten all about it. That was nothing, +Fan--less than nothing. It was not you that spoke, but the demon of +anger that had possession of you. I forgive you freely for that, poor +child, and shall never think of it again. But I shall never be able to +feel towards you as I did before. Never, Fan." + +"Mary, Mary, what have I done!" + +"Nothing, child. It is not anything you have done, or that you have left +undone. But I took you into my house and into my heart, and only asked +you to love and trust me, and you forgot it all in a moment, and +were ready to believe the worst of me. A stranger told you that I had +secretly planned your destruction, and you at once believed it. How +could you find it in your heart to believe such a thing of me--a thing +so horrible, so impossible?" + +Fan, with her face hidden, continued crying. + +"But don't cry, Fan. You shall not suffer. If you could lose all faith +in me, and think me such a demon of wickedness, you are not to blame. +You are not what I imagined, but only what nature made you. Where I +thought you strong you are weak, and it was my mistake." + +Suddenly Fan raised her eyes, wet with tears, and looked fixedly at the +other's face; nor did she drop them when Mary's eyes, opening wide +and expressing a little surprise at the girl's courage, and a little +resentment, returned the look. + +"Mary," she said, speaking in a voice which had recovered its firmness, +"I loved you so much, and I had never done anything wrong, and--and +you said you would always love and trust me because you knew that I was +good." + +"Well, Fan?" + +"And you believed what Rosie said about me, and that I was a thief, and +had taken your jewels and ran away." + +Mary cast down her eyes, and the corners of her mouth twitched as if +with a slight smile. + +"That is true," she said slowly. "You are right, Fan; you are not so +poor as I thought, but can defend yourself with your tongue or your +teeth, as occasion requires. Perhaps my sin balances yours after all, +and leaves us quits. Perhaps when I get over this trouble I shall love +you as much as ever--perhaps more." + +"And you are not angry with me now, Mary?" + +"No, Fan, I was not angry with you: kiss me if you like. Only I feel +very, very tired--tired and sick of my life, and wish I could lie down +and sleep and forget everything." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +On the very next day Miss Starbrow was herself again apparently, and +the old life was resumed just where it had been broken off. But although +outwardly things went on in the old way, and her mistress was not +unkind, and she had her daily walk, her reading, sewing, and embroidery +to fill her time, the girl soon perceived that something very precious +to her had been lost in the storm, and she looked and waited in vain for +its recovery. In spite of those reassuring well-remembered words Mary +had spoken to her, the old tender affection and confidence, which had +made their former relations seem so sweet, now seemed lost. Mary was not +unkind, but that was all. She did not wish Fan to read to her, or give +her any assistance in dressing, or to remain long in her room, but +preferred to be left alone. When she spoke, her words and tone were not +ungentle, but she no longer wished to talk, and after a few minutes she +would send her away; and then Fan, sad at heart, would go to her own +room--that large back room where her bed had been allowed to remain, and +where she worked silent and solitary, sitting before her own fire. + +One day, just as she came in from her morning walk, a letter was left +by the postman, and Fan took it up to her mistress, glad always of an +excuse to go to her--for now some excuse seemed necessary. + +Miss Starbrow, sitting moodily before her fire in her bedroom, took it; +but the moment she looked at the writing she started as if a snake had +bitten her, and flung the letter into the fire. Then, while watching it +blaze up, she suddenly exclaimed: + +"I was a fool to burn it before first seeing what was in it!" + +Before she finished speaking Fan darted her hand into the flame, and +tossing the burning letter on the rug, stamped out the fire with her +foot. The envelope and the outer leaf of the letter were black and +charred, but the inner leaf, which was the part written on, had not +suffered. + +"Thanks, Fan; that was clever," said Miss Starbrow, taking it; and then +proceeded to read it, holding it far from her face as if her eyesight +had suddenly fallen into decay. + + Dear Pollie [ran the letter], When I saw that girl back in your + house I knew that it would be all over between us. It is a terrible + thing for me to lose you in that way, but there is no help for it now; + I know that you will not forgive me. But I don't wish you to think of + me worse than I deserve. You know as well as I do that since you took + Fan into the house you have changed towards me, and that without + quite throwing me over you made it as uncomfortable for me as you + could. As things did not improve, I became convinced that as long as + you had her by you it would continue the same, so I resolved to get + her out of the way. I partially succeeded, and she would have been + kept safely shut up for a few days, and then sent to a distant part + of the country, to be properly taken care of. That is the whole of my + offence, and I am very sorry that my plan failed. Nothing more than + that was intended; and if you have imagined anything more you have + done me an injustice. I am bad enough, I suppose, but not so bad as + that; and I hate and always have hated that girl, who has been my + greatest enemy, though perhaps unintentionally. That is all I have to + say, except that I shall never forget how different it once was--how + kind you could be, and how happy you often made me before that + miserable creature came between us. + + Good-bye for ever, + + JACK. + + +Miss Starbrow laughed bitterly. "There, Fan, read it," she said. "It is +all about you, and you deserve a reward for burning your fingers. Coward +and villain! why has he added this infamous lie to his other crimes? It +has only made me hate and despise him more than ever. If he had had the +courage to confess everything, and even to boast of it, I should not +have thought so meanly of him." + +The wound was bleeding afresh. Her face had grown pale, and under her +black scowling brows her eyes shone as if with the reflected firelight. +But it was only the old implacable anger flashing out again. + +Fan, after reading the letter for herself, and dropping it with +trembling fingers on to the fire, turned to her mistress. Her face had +also grown very pale, and her eyes expressed a new and great trouble. + +"Why do you look at me like that?" exclaimed Miss Starbrow, seizing her +by the arm. "Speak!" + +Fan sank down on to her knees, and began stammeringly, "Oh, I can't bear +to think--to think--" + +"To think what?--Speak, I tell you!" + +"_Did_ I come between you?--oh, Mary, are you sorry--" + +"Hush!" and Miss Starbrow pushed her angrily from her. "Sorry! Never +dare to say such a thing again! Oh, I don't know which is most hateful +to me, his villainy or your whining imbecility. Leave me--go to your +room, and never come to me unless I call you." + +Fan went away, sad at heart, and cried by herself, fearing now that the +sweet lost love would never again return to brighten her life. But after +this passionate outburst Miss Starbrow was not less kind and gentle than +before. Once at least every day she would call Fan to her room and speak +a few words to her, and then send her away. The few words would even be +cheerfully spoken, but with a fictitious kind of cheerfulness; under +it all there was ever a troubled melancholy look; the clouds which had +returned after the rain had not yet passed away. To Fan they were very +much, those few daily words which served to keep her hope alive, while +her heart hungered for the love that was more than food to her. + +Even in her sleep this unsatisfied instinct of her nature and perpetual +craving made her dreams sad. But not always, for on more than one +occasion she had a very strange sweet dream of Mary pressing her lips +and whispering some tender assurance to her; and this dream was so +vivid, so like reality, that when she woke she seemed to feel still on +face and hands the sensation of loving lips and other clasping hands, +so that she put out her hands to return the embrace. And one night from +that dream she woke very suddenly, and saw a light in the room--the +light of a small shaded lamp moving away towards the door, and Mary, +in a white wrapper, with her dark hair hanging unbound on her back, was +carrying it. + +"Mary, Mary!" cried the girl, starting up in bed, and holding out her +arms. + +The other turned, and for a little while stood looking at her; no ghost +nor somnambulist was she in appearance, with those bright wakeful eyes, +the curious smile that played about her lips, and the rich colour, +perhaps from confusion or shame at being detected, surging back into +her lately pale face. She did not refuse the girl's appeal, or try any +longer to conceal her feelings. Setting the lamp down she came to the +bedside, and taking Fan in her arms, held her in a long close embrace. +When she had finished caressing the girl she remained standing for some +time silent beside the bed, her eyes cast down as if in thought, and +an expression half melancholy but strangely tender and beautiful on her +face. + +Presently she bent down over the girl again and spoke. + +"Don't fret, dearest, if I seem bad-tempered and strange. I love you +just the same; I have come here more than once to kiss you when you were +asleep. Do you remember how angry you made me when you asked if you +had come between that man and me, and if I were sorry? You _did_ come +between us, Fan, in a way that his wholly corrupt soul would never +understand. But you could not have done me a greater service than +that--no, not if you had spilt your heart's blood for me. You have +repaid me for all that I have done, or ever can do for you, and have +made me your debtor besides for the rest of my life." + +That midnight interview with her mistress had thereafter a very bright +and beautiful place in Fan's memory, and still thinking of it she would +sometimes lie awake for hours, wishing and hoping that Mary would come +to her again in one of her tender moods. But it did not happen again; +for Mary was not one to recover quickly from such a wound as she +had suffered, and she still brooded, wrapped up in her own thoughts, +dreaming perhaps of revenge. And in the meantime bitter blustering March +wore on to its end, the sun daily gaining power; and then, all at once, +it was April, with sunshine and showers; and some heavenly angel passed +by and touched the brown old desolate elms in Kensington Gardens with +tenderest green; and as by a miracle the baskets of the flower-girls in +Westbourne Grove were filled to overflowing with spring flowers--pale +primroses that die unmarried; and daffodils that come before the swallow +dares, shining like gold; and violets dim, but sweeter than the lids of +Juno's eyes, or Cytherea's breath. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +One afternoon, returning from Westbourne Grove, where she had been out +to buy flowers for the table, on coming into the hall, Fan was surprised +to hear Miss Starbrow in the dining-room talking to a stranger, with a +cheerful ring in her voice, which had not been heard for many weeks. She +was about to run upstairs to her room, when her mistress called out, "Is +that you, Fan? Come in here; I want you." + +Miss Starbrow and her visitor were sitting near the window. How changed +she looked, with her cheeks so full of rich red colour, and her dark +eyes sparkling with happy, almost joyous excitement! But she did not +speak when Fan, blushing a little with shyness, advanced into the +room and stood before them, her eyes cast down in a pretty confusion. +Smiling, she watched the girl's face, then the face of her guest, her +eyes bright and mirthful glancing from one to the other. Fan, looking +up, saw before her a tall broad-shouldered young man with good features, +hair almost black; no beard, but whiskers and moustache, very dark +brown; and, in strange contrast, grey-blue eyes. Over these eyes, too +light in colour to match the hair, the eyelids drooped a little, +giving to them that partially-closed sleepy appearance which is often +deceptive. Just now they were studying the girl standing before him with +very keen interest. A slender girl, not quite sixteen years old, in a +loose and broad-sleeved olive-green dress, and yellow scarf at the neck; +brown straw hat trimmed with spring flowers; flowers also in her hand, +yellow and white, and ferns, in a great loose bunch; and her golden hair +hanging in a braid on her back. But the face must be imagined, white and +delicate and indescribably lovely in its tender natural pallor. + +"Fan," said Miss Starbrow at last, and speaking with a merry smile, +"this is my brother Tom, from Manchester, you have so often heard me +speak of. Tom, this is Fan." + +"Well," exclaimed Miss Starbrow, after he had shaken hands with Fan and +sat down again, "what do you think of my little girl? You have heard +all about her, and now you have seen her, and I am waiting to hear your +opinion." + +"Do you remember the old days at home, Mary, when we were all together? +How you do remind me of them now!" + +"Oh, bother the old days! You know how I hated them, and I--why don't +you answer my question, Tom?" + +"That's just it," he returned. "It was always the same: you always +wanted an answer before the question was out of your mouth. Now, it was +quite different with the rest of us." + +"Yes, you were a slow lot. Do you remember Jacob?--it always took him +fifteen minutes to say yes or no. There's an animal--I forget what it's +called--rhinoceros or something--at the Zoo that always reminds me of +him; he was so fearfully ponderous." + +"Yes, that's all very well, Mary, but I fancy he's more than doubled the +fortune the gov'nor left him; so he has been ponderous to some purpose." + +"Has he? how? But what do I care! Tom, you'll drive me crazy--why can't +you answer a simple question instead of going off into fifty other +things?" + +"Well, Mary, if you'll kindly explain which of all the questions you +have asked me during the last minute or two, I'll try my best." + +She frowned, made an impatient gesture, then laughed. + +"Go upstairs and take off your things, Fan," she said. "Well?" she +continued, turning to her brother again, and finding his eyes fixed on +her face. "Do you tell me, Mary, that this white girl was born and bred +in a London slum, that her drunken mother was killed in a street fight, +and that she had no other life but that until you picked her up?" + +"Yes." + +"Good God!" + +"Can't you say _Mon Dieu_, Tom? Your north-country expressions sound +rather shocking to London ears." + +He rose, and coming to her side put his arm about her and kissed her +cheek very heartily. + +"You were always a good old girl, Mary," he said, "and you are one +still, in spite of your vagaries." + +"Thank you for your very equivocal compliments," she returned, +administering a slight box on his ear. "And now tell me what you think +of Fan?" + +"I'll tell you presently, if you have not guessed already; but I'd like +to know first what you are going to do with her." + +"I don't know; I can't bother about it just now. There's plenty of time +to think of that. Perhaps I'll make a lady's-maid of her, though it +doesn't seem quite the right thing to do." + +"No, it doesn't. Don't go and spoil what you have done by any such folly +as that." + +"Do you want me to make a lady of her--or what?" + +"A lady? Well that is a difficult question to answer; but I have heard +that sometimes ladies, like poets, are born, not made. At all events, it +would not be right, I fancy, to keep the girl here. It might give rise +to disagreeable complications, as you always have a parcel of fellows +hanging about you." + +Her face darkened with a frown. + +"Now, Mary, don't get into a tantrum; it is best for us to be frank. And +I say frankly that you never did a better thing in your life than when +you took this girl into your house, if my judgment is worth anything. +My advice is, send her away for a time--for a year or two, say. She is +young, and would be better for a little more teaching. There are poor +gentlefolks all over the country who are only too glad to take a girl +when they can get one, and give her a pleasant home and instruction for +a moderate sum. Find out some such place, and give her a year of it +at least; and then if you should have her back she would be more of a +companion for you, and, if not, she would be better able to earn her own +living. Take my advice, Mary, and finish a good work properly." + +"A good work! You have nearly spoilt the effect of everything you said +by that word. I never have done and never will do good works. It is not +my nature, Tom. What I have done for Fan is purely from selfish motives. +The fact is I fell in love with the girl, and my reward is in being +loved by her and seeing her happy. It would be ridiculous to call that +benevolence." + +He smiled and shook his head. "You can abuse yourself if you like, Mary; +we came from Dissenters, and that's a fashion of theirs--" + +"Cant and hypocrisy is a fashion of theirs, if you like," she +interrupted. "You are not going the right way about it if you wish me to +pay any attention to your advice." + +"Come, Mary, don't let us quarrel. I'll agree with you that we are all +a lot of selfish beggars; and I'll even confess that I have a selfish +motive in advising you to send the girl away to the country for a time." + +"What is your motive?" she asked. + +"Well, I hate going slap-dash into the middle of a thing without any +preface; I like to approach it in my own way." + +"Yes, I know; _your_ way of approaching a subject is to walk in a circle +round it. But please dash into the middle of it for once." + +"Well, then, to tell you the plain truth, I am beginning to think that +money-getting is not the only thing in life--" + +"What a discovery for a Manchester man to make! The millennium must have +dawned at last on your smoky old town!" + +He laughed at her words, but refused to go on with the subject. + +"I was only teasing you a little," he said. "It gladdens me even to see +you put yourself in a temper, Mary--it brings back old times when we +were always such good friends, and sometimes had such grand quarrels." + +Mary also laughed, and rang the bell for afternoon tea. She was curious +to hear about the "selfish motive," but remembered the family failing, +and forbore to press him. + +According to his own accounts, Mr. Tom Starbrow was up in town on +business; apparently the business was not of a very pressing nature, +as most of his time during the next few days was spent at Dawson Place, +where he and his sister had endless conversations about old times. Then +he would go with Fan to explore Whiteley's, which seemed to require a +great deal of exploring; and from these delightful rambles they would +return laden with treasures--choice bon-bons, exotic flowers and +hot-house grapes at five or six shillings a pound; quaint Japanese +knick-knacks; books and pictures, and photographs of celebrated +men--great beetle-browed philosophers, and men of blood and thunder; +also of women still more celebrated, on and off the stage. Mr. Starbrow +would have nothing sent; the whole fun of the thing, he assured Fan, +was in carrying all their purchases home themselves; and so, laden with +innumerable small parcels, they would return chatting and laughing like +the oldest and best of friends, happy and light-hearted as children. + +At last one day Mr. Starbrow went back to the old subject. "Mary, my +girl," he said, "have you thought over the advice I gave you about this +white child of yours?" + +"No, certainly not; we were speaking of it when you broke off in the +middle of a sentence, if you remember. You can finish the sentence now +if you like, but don't be in a hurry." + +"Well then, to come at once to the very pith of the whole matter, I +think I've been sticking to the mill long enough--for the present. And +it may come to pass that some day I shall be married, and then----" + +"Your second state will be worse than your first." + +"That will be according to how it turns out. I was only going to say +that a married man finds it more difficult to do some things." + +"To flirt with pretty young girls, for instance?" + +"No, no. But I haven't finished yet. I haven't even come to the matter +at all." + +"Oh, you haven't! How strange!" + +He smiled and was silent. + +"I hope, Tom, you'll marry a big strong woman." + +"Why, Mary?" + +"Because you want an occasional good shaking." + +"You see, my difficulty is this," he began again, without noticing the +last speech. "When I tell you what I want, I'm afraid you'll only laugh +at me and refuse my request." + +"It won't hurt you much, poor old Tom, if I do laugh." + +"No, perhaps not--I never thought of that." Then he proceeded to explain +that he had made up his mind to spend two or three years in seeing +the world, or at all events that portion of it to be found outside of +England; and the first year he wished to spend on the Continent. Alone +he feared that he would have a miserable time of it; but if his sister +would only consent to accompany him, then he thought it would be most +enjoyable; for he would have her society, and her experience of travel, +and knowledge of German and French, would also smooth the way. "Now, +Mary," he concluded--it had taken him half an hour to say this--"don't +say No just yet. I know I shall be an awful weight for you to drag +about, I'll be so helpless at hotels and stations and such places. But +there will perhaps be one advantage to you. I know you spend rather +freely, and your income is not too large, and I dare say you have +exceeded it a little. Now, if you will give a year to me, and have your +house shut up or let in the meantime, there would be a year's income +saved to put you straight again." + +"That means, Tom, that you would pay all my expenses while we were +abroad?" + +"Well, sis, I couldn't well take you away from your own life and +pleasures and ask you to pay your own. That would be a strangely +one-sided proposal to make." + +"I must take time to think about it." + +"That's a good girl. And, Mary, what would it cost to put this girl with +some family where she would have a pleasant home and be taught for a +year?" + +"About sixty or seventy pounds, I suppose. Then there would be her +clothing, and pocket-money, and incidental expenses--altogether a +hundred pounds, I dare say." + +"And you would let me pay this also?" + +"No indeed, Tom. Three or four months would be quite time enough to put +me straight; and if I consent to go, it must be understood that there +are to be no presents, and nothing except travelling expenses." + +"All right, Mary; you haven't consented yet definitely, but it is a +great relief that you do not scout the idea, and tell me to go and buy a +ticket at Ludgate Circus." + +"Well, no, I couldn't well say that, considering that you are the only +one of the family who has treated me rightly, and that I care anything +about." She laughed a little, and presently continued: "I dare say the +others are all well enough in their way; they are all honest men, of +course, and someone says, 'An honest man's the noblest work of God.' For +my part, I think it His poorest work. Fancy dull, slow old calculating +Jacob being the noblest work of the Being that created--what shall I +say?--this violet, or--" + +"Fan," suggested her brother. + +"Yes, Fan if you like. By the way, Tom, before I forget to mention it, I +think you are a little in love with Fan." + +Tom, taken off his guard, blushed hotly, which would not have mattered +if his sister's keen eyes had not been watching his face. + +"What nonsense you talk!" he exclaimed a little too warmly. "In love +with a child!" + +"Yes, I know she's but a lassie yet," replied his sister with a mocking +laugh. + +It was too much for his Starbrow temper, and taking up his hat he rose +and marched angrily out of the room--angry as much with himself as with +his sister. But in a moment she was after him, and before he could open +the hall door her arms were round his neck. + +"Oh, Tom, you foolish fellow, can't you take a little joke +good-humouredly?" she said. "I'm afraid our year on the Continent will +be a very short one if you are going to be so touchy." + +"Then you will consent?" he said, glad to change the subject and be +friendly again. + +And a day or two later she did finally consent to accompany him. His +proposal had come at an opportune moment, when she was heartsore, +and restless, and anxious to escape from the painful memories and +associations of the past month. + +One of her first steps was to advertise in the papers for a home with +tuition for a girl under sixteen, in a small family residing in a rural +district in the west or south-west of England. The answers were to be +addressed to her newspaper agent, who was instructed not to forward them +to her in driblets, but deliver them all together. + +Mr. Starbrow stayed another week in town, and during that time he went +somewhere every day with his sister and Fan; they drove in the Park, +went to picture galleries, to morning concerts, and then, if not tired, +to a theatre in the evening. It was consequently a very full week to +Fan, who now for the first time saw something of the hidden wonders and +glories of London. And she was happy; but this novel experience--the +sight of all that unimagined wealth of beauty--was even less to her than +Mary's perfect affection, which was now no longer capricious, bursting +forth at rare intervals like sunshine out of a stormy sky. Then that +week in fairyland was over, and Tom Starbrow went back to Manchester +to arrange his affairs; but before going he presented Fan with a very +beautiful lady's watch and chain, the watch of chased gold with blue +enamelled face. + +"I do not wish you to forget me, Fan," he said, holding her hand in +his, and looking into her young face smilingly, yet with a troubled +expression in his eyes, "and there is nothing like a watch to remind +you of an absent friend; sometimes it will even repeat his words if you +listen attentively to its little ticking language. It is something like +the sea-shell that whispers about the ocean waves when you hold it to +your ear." + +That pretty little speech only served to make the gift seem more +precious to Fan; for she was not critical, and it did not sound in the +least studied to her. It was delivered, however, when Mary was out of +the room; when she returned and saw the watch, after congratulating the +girl she threw a laughing and somewhat mocking glance at her brother; +for which Tom was prepared, and so he met it bravely, and did not blush +or lose his temper. + +In due time the answers to the advertisement arrived--in a sack, for +they numbered about four hundred. + +"Oh, how will you ever be able to read them all!" exclaimed Fan, staring +in a kind of dismay at the pile, where Miss Starbrow had emptied them on +the carpet. + +"I have no such mad intention," said the other with a laugh, and turning +them over with her pretty slippered foot. "As a rule people that answer +advertisements--especially women--are fools. If you advertise for a +piece of old point lace, about a thousand people who have not got such a +thing will write to say that they will sell you wax flowers, old books, +ostrich feathers, odd numbers of _Myra's Journal_, or any rubbish they +may have by them; I dare say that most of the writers of these letters +are just as wide of the mark. Sit here at my feet, Fan; and you shall +open the letters for me and read the addresses. No, not that way with +your fingers. If you stop to tear them to pieces, like a hungry cat +tearing its meat, it will take too long. Use the paper-knife, and open +them neatly and quickly." + +Fan began her task, and found scores of letters from the suburbs of +London and all parts of the kingdom, from Land's End to the north of +Scotland; and in nine cases out of ten after reading the address her +mistress would say, "Tear it twice across, and throw it into the basket, +Fan." + +It seemed a pity to Fan to tear them up unread; for some were so long +and so beautifully written, with pretty little crests at the top of the +page; but Mary knew her own mind, and would not relent so far as even to +look at one of these wasted specimens of calligraphic art. In less than +an hour's time the whole heap had been disposed of, with the exception +of fifteen or twenty letters selected for consideration on account of +their addresses. These Miss Starbrow carefully went over, and finally +selecting one she read it aloud to Fan. It was from a Mrs. Churton, an +elderly lady, residing with her husband, a retired barrister, and her +daughter, in their own house at a small place called Eyethorne, in +Wiltshire. She offered to take the girl into her house, treat her as +her own child, and give her instruction, for seventy pounds a year. The +tuition would be undertaken by the daughter, who was well qualified for +such a task, and could teach languages--Latin, German, and French were +mentioned; also mathematics, geology, history, music, drawing, and a +great many other branches of knowledge, both useful and ornamental. + +Fan listened to this part of the letter with a look of dismay on her +face, which made Miss Starbrow laugh. + +"Why, my child, what more can you want?" she said. + +"Don't you think it a little too much, Mary?" she returned with some +distress, which made the other laugh again. + +"Well, my poor girl, you needn't study Greek and archaeology and +logarithms unless you feel inclined. But if you ever take a fancy for +such subjects it will always be a comfort to know that you may dive down +as deeply as you like without knocking your head on the bottom. I mean +that you will never get to know too much for Miss Churton, who knows +more than all the professors put together." + +"Do you think she will be nice?" said Fan, wandering from the subject. + +"Nice! That depends on your own taste. I fancy I can draw a picture +of what she is like. A tall thin lady of an uncertain age. Thin +across here"--placing her hands on her own shoulders. "And very flat +here,"--touching her own well-developed bust. + +"But I should like to know about her face." + +"Should you? I'm afraid that it is not a very bright smiling face, that +it is rather yellow in colour, that the hair is rather dead-looking, of +the door-mat tint, and smoothed flat down. The eyes are dim, no +doubt, from much reading, and the nose long, straddled with a pair of +spectacles, and red at the end from dyspepsia and defective circulation. +But never mind, Fan, you needn't look so cast down about it. Miss +Churton will be your teacher, and I wish you joy, but you will have +plenty of time for play, and other things to think of besides study. +When your lessons are over you can chase butterflies and gather flowers +if you like. Luckily Miss Churton has not included botany and entomology +in the long list of her acquirements." + +Fan did not quite understand all this; her mistress was always mocking +at something, she knew; she only asked if it was really in the country +where she would live. + +Miss Starbrow took up the letter and read the remaining portion, which +contained a description of Wood End House--the Churtons' residence--and +its surroundings. The house, the writer said, was small, but pretty and +comfortable; and there was a nice garden and a large orchard with fruit +in abundance. There were also some fields and meadows, her own property, +let to neighbouring farmers. East of the house, and within fifteen +minutes walk, was the old picturesque village of Eyethorne, sheltered +by a range of grassy hills; also within a few minutes' walk began the +extensive Eyethorne woods, celebrated for their beauty. + +Nothing could have been more charming than this, and the picture of +garden and orchard, green meadows and hills and shady woods, almost +reconciled Fan to the prospect of spending a whole year in the society +of an aged and probably ailing couple, and a lady of uncertain age, +deeply learned and of unprepossessing appearance--for she could not rid +her mind of the imaginary portrait drawn by Mary. + +For some mysterious reason, or for no reason, Miss Starbrow resolved to +close at once with the Churtons; and as if fearing that her mind might +alter, she immediately tore up the other letters, although in some +of them greater advantages had been held out, lower terms, and the +companionship of girls of the same age as Fan. And in a very few days, +after a little further correspondence, everything was settled to the +entire satisfaction of everyone concerned, and it was arranged that Fan +should go down to Eyethorne on the 10th of May, which was now very near. + +"I shall have one good dress made for you," said Miss Starbrow, "and +you can take the material to make a second for yourself; you are growing +just now, Fan. A nice dress for Sundays; down in the country most people +go to church. And, by the way, Fan, have you ever been inside a church +in your life?" + +She seemed not to know how to answer this question, but at length spoke, +a little timidly. "Not since I have lived with you, Mary." + +"Is that intended for a sarcasm, Fan? But never mind, I know what you +mean. When you are at Eyethorne you must still bear that in mind, +and even if questioned about it, never speak of that old life in Moon +Street. I suppose I must get you a prayer-book, and--show you how to +use it. But about dress. Your body is very much more important than +your soul, and how to clothe it decently and prettily must be our first +consideration. We must go to Whiteley's and select materials for half a +dozen pretty summer dresses. Blue, I fancy, suits you best, but you can +have other colours as well." + +"Oh, Mary," said the girl with strange eagerness, "will you let me +choose one myself? I have so long wished to wear white! May I have one +white dress?" + +"White? You are so white yourself. Don't you think you look simple and +innocent enough as it is? But please yourself, Fan, you shall have as +many white dresses as you like." + +So overjoyed was Fan at having this long-cherished wish at last +gratified that, for the first time she had ever ventured to do such +a thing, she threw her arms round Mary's neck and kissed her. Then +starting back a little frightened, she exclaimed, "Mary, was it wrong +for me to kiss you without being told?" + +"No, dear, kiss me as often as you like. We have had a rather eventful +year together, have we not? Clouds and storms and some pleasant +sunshine. For these few remaining days there must be no clouds, but only +perfect love and peace. The parting will come quickly enough, and who +knows--who knows what changes another year will bring?" + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +At the last moment, when all the preparations were complete, Miss +Starbrow determined to accompany Fan to her new home, and, after +dropping her there, to pay a long-promised visit before leaving England +to an old friend of her girlhood, who was now married and living at +Salisbury. Eyethorne took her some distance out of her way; and at the +small country station where they alighted, which was two and a half +miles from the village, she found from the time-table that her interview +with the Churtons would have to be a short one, as there was only one +train which would take her to Salisbury so as to arrive there at a +reasonably early hour in the evening. At the station they took a fly, +and the drive to Eyethorne brought before Fan's eyes a succession of +charming scenes--green hills, broad meadows yellow with buttercups, deep +shady lanes, and old farm-houses. The spring had been cold and backward; +but since the beginning of May there had been days of warm sunshine with +occasional gentle rains, and the trees, both shade and fruit, had all at +once rushed into leaf and perfect bloom. Such vivid and tender greens as +the foliage showed, such a wealth of blossom on every side, such sweet +fragrance filling the warm air, Fan had never imagined; and yet how her +prophetic heart had longed for the sweet country! + +A sudden turn of the road brought them in full sight of the village, +sheltered on the east side by low green hills; and beyond the village, +at some distance, a broad belt of wood, the hills on one hand and green +meadowland on the other. Five minutes after leaving the village they +drew up at the gate of Wood End House, which was at some distance back +from the road almost hidden from sight by the hedge and trees, and was +approached by a short avenue of elms. Arrived at the house, they were +received by Mr. and Mrs. Churton, and ushered into a small drawing-room +on the ground floor; a room which, with its heavy-looking, old-fashioned +furniture, seemed gloomy to them on coming in from the bright sunshine. +Mrs. Churton was rather large, approaching stoutness in her figure, +grey-haired with colourless face, and a somewhat anxious expression; but +she seemed very gentle and motherly, and greeted Fan with a kindliness +in her voice and manner which served in a great measure to remove +the girl's nervousness on coming for the first time as an equal among +gentlefolks. + +Mr. Churton had not, in a long married life, grown like his spouse +in any way, nor she like him. He was small, with a narrow forehead, +irregular face and projecting under-lip, which made him ugly. His eyes +were of that common no-colour type, and might or might not have been +pigmented, and classifiable as brown or blue--Dr. Broca himself would +not have been able to decide. But the absence of any definite colour +was of less account than the lack of any expression, good or bad. One +wondered, on seeing his face, how he could be a retired barrister, +unless it meant merely that in the days of his youth he had made some +vague and feeble efforts at entering such a profession, ending in +nothing. Possibly he was himself conscious that his face lacked a +quality found in others, and failed to inspire respect and confidence; +for he had a trick of ostentatiously clearing his throat, and looking +round and speaking in a deliberate and somewhat consequential manner, +as if by these little arts to counterbalance the weakness in the +expression. His whole get-up also suggested the same thought--could +anyone believe the jewel to be missing from a casket so elaborately +chased? His grey hair was brushed sprucely up on each side of his head, +the ends of the locks forming a supplementary pair of ears above the +crown. He was scrupulously dressed in black cloth and spotless linen, +with a very large standing-up collar. In manner he was gushingly amiable +and polite towards Miss Starbrow, and as he stood bowing and smiling and +twirling the cord of his gold-rimmed glasses about his finger, he talked +freely to that lady of the lovely weather, the beauty of the country, +the pleasures of the spring season, and in fact of everything except the +business which had brought her there. Presently she cut short his flow +of inconsequent talk by remarking that her time was short, and inquiring +if Miss Churton were in. + +Mrs. Churton quickly replied that she was expecting her every moment; +that she had gone out for a short walk, and had not perhaps seen the fly +arrive. No doubt, she added a little nervously, Miss Starbrow would like +to see and converse with Miss Affleck's future teacher and companion. + +"Oh, no, not at all!" promptly replied the other, with the habitual +curling of the lip. "I came to-day by the merest chance, as everything +had been arranged by correspondence, and I am quite satisfied that Miss +Affleck will be in good hands." At which Mr. Churton bowed, and turning +bestowed a fatherly smile on Fan. "It is not at all necessary for me to +see Miss Churton," continued Miss Starbrow, "but there is one thing I +wish to speak to you about, which I omitted to mention in my letters to +you." + +Mr. and Mrs. Churton were all attention, but before the other had begun +to speak Miss Churton came in, her hat on, and with a sunshade in one +hand and a book in the other. + +"Here is my daughter," said the mother. "Constance, Miss Starbrow and +Miss Affleck." + +Miss Churton advanced to the first lady, but did not give her hand as +she had meant to do; for the moment she appeared in the room and her +name was mentioned a cloud had come over the visitor's face, and she +merely bowed distantly without stirring from her seat. + +For the real Miss Churton offered a wonderful contrast to that portrait +of her which the other had drawn from her imagination. She might +almost be called tall, her height being little less than that of the +dark-browed lady who sat before her, regarding her with cold critical +eyes; but in figure she was much slimmer, and her light-coloured dress, +which was unfashionable in make, was pretty and became her. She was, in +fact, only twenty-two years old. There were no lines of deep thought on +her pure white forehead when she removed her hat; and no dimness from +much reading of books in her clear hazel eyes, which seemed to Fan the +most beautiful eyes she had ever seen, so much sweet sympathy did they +show, and so much confidence did they inspire. In colour she was very +rich, her skin being of that tender brown one occasionally sees in the +face of a young lady in the country, which seems to tell of a pleasant +leisurely life in woods and fields; while her abundant hair was of a +tawny brown tint with bronze reflections. She was very beautiful, and +when, turning from Miss Starbrow, she advanced to Fan and gave her hand, +the girl almost trembled with the new keen sensation of pleasure she +experienced. Miss Churton was so different from that unlovely mental +picture of her! She imagined for a moment, poor girl, that Mary would +show her feelings of relief and pleasure; but she quickly perceived that +something had brought a sudden cloud over Mary's face, and it troubled +her, and she wondered what it meant. + +Before Miss Churton had finished welcoming Fan, Miss Starbrow, looking +at her watch and directly addressing the elder lady, said in a cold +voice: + +"I think it would be as well if Miss Affleck could leave us for a few +minutes, and I will then finish what I had begun to say." + +Miss Churton looked inquiringly at her, then turned again to Fan. + +"Will you come with me to the garden?" she said. + +Fan rose and followed her through a back door opening on to a grassy +lawn, beyond which were the garden and orchard. After crossing the lawn +and going a little way among the shrubs and flowers they came in sight +of a large apple-tree white with blossoms. + +"Oh, can we go as far as that tree?" asked the girl after a little +delighted exclamation at the sight. When they reached the tree she went +under it and gazed up into the beautiful flowery cloud with wide-open +eyes, and lips half-parted with a smile of ineffable pleasure. + +Miss Churton stood by and silently watched her face for some moments. + +"Do you think you will like your new home, Miss Affleck?" she asked. + +"Oh, how lovely it all is--the flowers!" she exclaimed. "I didn't know +that there was any place in the world so beautiful as this! I should +like to stay here for ever!" + +"But have you never been in the country before?" said the other with +some surprise. + +"Yes. Only once, for a few days, years ago. But it was not like this. It +was very beautiful in Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, but this--" + +She could find no words to express her feeling; she could only stand +gazing up, and touching the white and pink clustering blossoms with her +finger-tips, as if they were living things to be gently caressed. "Oh, +it is so sweet," she resumed. "I have always so wished to be in +the country, but before Miss Starbrow took me to live with her, and +before--they--mother died, we lived in a very poor street, and were +always so poor and--" Then she reddened and cast down her eyes and was +silent, for she had suddenly remembered that Miss Starbrow had warned +her never to speak of her past life. + +Miss Churton smiled slightly, but with a strange tenderness in her eyes +as she watched the girl's face. + +"I hope we shall get on well together, and that you will like me a +little," she said. + +"Oh, yes, I know I shall like you if--if you will not think me very +stupid. I know so little, and you know so much. Must you always call me +Miss Affleck?" + +"Not if you would prefer me to call you Frances. I should like that +better." + +"That would seem so strange, Miss Churton. I have always been called +Fan." + +Just then the others were seen coming out to the garden, and Miss +Churton and Fan went back to meet them. Mr. Churton, polite and +bare-headed, hovered about his visitor, smiling, gesticulating, +chattering, while she answered only in monosyllables, and was +blacker-browed than ever. Mrs. Churton, silent and pale, walked at her +side, turning from time to time a troubled look at the dark proud face, +and wondering what its stormy expression might mean. + +"Fan," said Miss Starbrow, without even a glance at the lady at Fan's +side, "my time is nearly up, and I wish to have three or four minutes +alone with you before saying good-bye." + +The others at once withdrew, going back to the house, while Miss +Starbrow sat down on a garden bench and drew the girl to her side. +"Well, my child, what do you think of your new teacher?" she began. + +"I like her so much, Mary, I'm sure--I know she will be very kind to me; +and is she not beautiful?" + +"I am not going to talk about that, Fan. I haven't time. But I want to +say something very serious to you. You know, my girl, that when I took +you out of such a sad, miserable life to make you happy, I said that +it was not from charity, and because I loved my fellow-creatures or the +poor better than others; but solely because I wanted you to love me, and +your affection was all the payment I ever expected or expect. But now I +foresee that something will happen to make a change in you--" + +"I can never change, or love you less than now, Mary!" + +"So you imagine, but I can see further. Do you know, Fan, that you +cannot give your heart to two persons; that if you give your whole heart +to this lady you think so beautiful and so kind, and who will be paid +for her kindness, that her gain will be my loss?" + +Fan, full of strange trouble, put her trembling hand on the other's +hand. "Tell me how it will be your loss, Mary," she said. "I don't think +I understand." + +"I was everything to you before, Fan. I don't want a divided affection, +and I shall not share your affection with this woman, however beautiful +and kind she may be; or, rather, I shall not be satisfied with what +is over after you have begun to worship her. Your love is a kind of +worship, Fan, and you cannot possibly have that feeling for more than +one person, although you will find it easy enough to transfer it from +one to another. If you do not quite understand me yet, you must think it +over and try to find out what I mean. But I warn you, Fan, that if ever +you transfer the affection you have felt for me to this woman, or this +girl, then you shall cease to be anything to me. You shall be no more to +me than you were before I first saw you and felt a strange wish to take +you to my heart; when you were in rags and half-starved, and without one +friend in the world." + +The tears started to the girl's eyes, and she threw her arms round the +other's neck. "Oh, Mary, nothing, nothing will ever make me love you +less! Will you not believe me, Mary?" + +"Yes, dear Fan, don't cry. Good-bye, my darling. Write to me at least +once every fortnight, and when you want money or anything let me know, +and you shall have it. And when May comes round again let me see you +unchanged in heart, but with an improved mind and a little colour in +your dear pale face." + +After Miss Starbrow's departure Fan was shown to her room, where her +luggage had already been taken by the one indoor servant, a staid, +middle-aged woman. It was a light, prettily furnished apartment on the +first floor, with a large window looking on to the garden at the back. +There were flowers on the dressing-table--Miss Churton had placed them +there, she thought--and the warm fragrant air coming in at the open +window seemed to bring nature strangely near to her. Looking away, +where the trees did not intercept the view, it was all green +country--gently-sloping hills, and the long Eyethorne wood, and +rich meadow-land, where sleepy-looking cows stood in groups or waded +knee-deep in the pasture. It was like an earthly paradise to her senses, +but just now her mind was clouded with a great distress. Mary's strange +words to her, and the warning that she would be cast out of Mary's +heart, that it would be again with her as it had been before entering +into this new life of beautiful scenes and sweet thoughts and feelings, +if she allowed herself to love her new teacher and companion, filled +her with apprehension. She sat by the window looking out, but with a +dismayed expression in her young eyes; and then she remembered how Mary, +in a sudden tempest of rage, had once struck her, and how her heart had +almost burst with grief at that unjust blow; and now it seemed to her +that Mary's words if not her hand had dealt her a second blow, which was +no less unjust; and covering her face with her hands she cried silently +to herself. Then she remembered how quickly Mary had repented and had +made amends, loving her more tenderly after having ill-treated her in +her anger. It consoled her to think that Mary had so great an affection +for her; and perhaps, she thought, the warning was necessary; perhaps if +she allowed her heart to have its way, and to give all that this lovely +and loving girl seemed to ask, Mary would be less to her than she had +been. She resolved that she would strive religiously to obey Mary's +wishes, that she would keep a watch over herself, and not allow any such +tender feelings as she had experienced in the garden to overcome her +again. She would be Miss Churton's pupil, but not the intimate, loving +friend and companion she had hoped to be after first seeing her. + +While Fan sat by herself, occupied with her little private trouble, +which did not seem little to her, downstairs in the small drawing-room +there was another trouble. + +"Before you go up to your room I wish to speak to you, Constance," said +her mother. + +Miss Churton stood swinging her straw hat by its ribbon, silently +waiting to hear the rest. + +"All right, Jane," said Mr. Churton to his wife. "I am just going to run +up to the village for an hour. You don't require me any more, do you?" + +"I think you should remain here until this matter is settled, and +Constance is made clearly to understand what Miss Starbrow's wishes are. +My wishes, which will be considered of less moment, I have no doubt, +shall be stated afterwards." + +"Very well, my dear, I will do anything you like. At the same time, I +think I really must be going. I have been kept in all day, you know, and +should like to take a little--ahem--constitutional." + +"Yes, Nathaniel, I have no doubt you would. But consider me a little in +this. I have succeeded in getting this girl, and you know how much the +money will be to us. Do you think it too much to keep away from your +favourite haunt in the village for a single day?" + +"Oh, come, come, Jane. It's all right, my dear. I'm sure Miss Starbrow +was greatly pleased at everything. You can settle all the rest with +Constance. I think she's quite intelligent enough to understand the +matter without my presence." And here Mr. Churton gave vent to a slight +inward chuckle. + +"I insist on your staying here, Nathaniel. You know how little regard +our daughter has for my wishes or commands; and as Miss Starbrow has +spoken to us both, you cannot do less than remain to corroborate what I +have to tell Constance." + +Her daughter reddened at this speech, but remained silent. + +"Well, well, my dear, if you will only come to the point!" he exclaimed +impatiently. + +"Constance, will you give me your attention?" said her mother, turning +to her. + +"Yes, mother, I am attending." + +"Miss Starbrow has informed us that Miss Affleck, although of gentle +birth on her father's side, was unhappily left to be brought up in a +very poor quarter of London, among people of a low class. She has had +little instruction, except that of the Board School, and never had the +advantage of associating with those of a better class until this lady +rescued her from her unfortunate surroundings. She is of a singularly +sweet, confiding disposition, Miss Starbrow says, and has many other +good qualities which only require a suitable atmosphere to be developed. +Miss Starbrow will value at its proper worth the instruction you will +give her; and as to subjects, she has added nothing to what she had +written to us, except that she does not wish you to force any study on +the girl to which she may show a disinclination, but rather to find +out for yourself any natural aptitude she may possess. And what she +particularly requests of us is, that no questions shall be put to her +and no reference made to her early life in London. She wishes the girl +to forget, if possible, her suffering and miserable childhood." + +"I shall be careful not to make any allusion to it," replied the other, +her face brightening with new interest. "Poor girl! She began to say +something to me about her early life in London when we were in the +garden, and then checked herself. I dare say Miss Starbrow has told her +not to speak of it." + +"Then I suppose you had already begun to press her with questions about +it?" quickly returned Mrs. Churton. + +"No; she spoke quite spontaneously. The flowers, the garden, the beauty +of the country, so strangely different to her former surroundings--that +suggested what she said, I think." + +Her mother looked unconvinced. "Will you remember, Constance, that it +is Miss Starbrow's wish that such subjects are not to be brought up and +encouraged in your conversations with Miss Affleck? I cannot command +you. It would be idle to expect obedience to any command of mine from +you. I can only appeal to your interest, or whatever it is you now +regard as your higher law." + +"I have always obeyed you, mother," returned Miss Churton with warmth. +"I shall, as a matter of course, respect Miss Starbrow's and your wishes +in this instance. You know that you can trust me, or ought to know, and +there is no occasion to insult me." + +"Insult you, Constance! How can you have the face to say such a thing, +when you know that your whole life is one continual act of disobedience +to me! Unhappy girl that you are, you disobey your God and Creator, and +are in rebellion against Him--how little a thing then must disobedience +to your mother seem!" + +Miss Churton's face grew red and pale by turns. "Mother," she replied, +with a ring of pain in her voice, "I have always respected your opinions +and feelings, and shall continue to do so, and try my best to please +you. But it is hard that I should have to suffer these unprovoked +attacks; and it seems strange that the girl's coming should be made the +occasion for one, for I had hoped that her presence in the house would +have made my life more bearable." + +"You refer to Miss Affleck's coming," said her mother, without stopping +to reply to anything else, "and I am glad of it, for it serves to remind +me that I have not yet told you my wishes with regard to your future +intercourse with her." + +At this point Mr. Churton, unnoticed by his wife, stole quietly to the +door, and stepping cautiously out into the hall made his escape. + +"You need not trouble to explain your wishes, mother," said Miss +Churton, with flushing cheeks. "I can very well guess what they are, +and I promise you at once that I shall say nothing to cause you any +uneasiness, or to make any further mention of the subject necessary." + +"No, Constance, I have a sacred duty to perform, and our respective +relations towards Miss Affleck must be made thoroughly clear, once for +all." + +"Why should you wish to make it clear after telling me that you cannot +trust me to obey your wishes, or even to speak the truth? Mother, I +shall not listen to you any longer!" + +"You _shall_ listen to me!" exclaimed the other; and rising and hurrying +past her daughter, she closed the door and stood before it as if to +prevent escape. + +Miss Churton made no reply; she walked to a chair, and sitting down +dropped her hat on the floor and covered her face with her hands. How +sad she looked in that attitude, how weary of the vain conflict, and how +despondent! For a little while there was silence in the room, but the +girl's bowed head moved with her convulsive breathing, and there was a +low sound presently as of suppressed sobbing. + +"Would to God the tears you are shedding came from a contrite and +repentant heart," said the mother, with a tremor in her voice. "But they +are only rebellious and passing drops, and I know that your stony heart +is untouched." + +Miss Churton raised her pale face, and brushed her tears away with an +angry gesture. "Forgive me, mother, for such an exhibition of weakness. +I sometimes forget that you have ceased to love me. Please say what you +wish, make things clear, add as many reproaches as you think necessary, +and then let me go to my room." + +Mrs. Churton checked an angry reply which rose to her lips, and sat +down. She too was growing tired of this unhappy conflict, and her +daughter's tears and bitter words had given her keen pain. "Constance, +you would not say that I do not love you if you could see into my heart. +God knows how much I love you; if it were not so I should have ceased to +strive with you before now. I know that it is in vain, that I can +only beat the air, and that only that Spirit which is sharper than a +two-edged sword, and pierceth even to the dividing of the bones and +marrow, can ever rouse you to a sense of your great sin and fearful +peril. I know it all only too well. I shall say no more about it. But I +must speak to you further about this young girl, who has been entrusted +to my care. When I replied to the advertisement respecting her, I +thought too much about our worldly affairs and the importance of this +money to us in our position, and without sufficiently reflecting on the +danger of bringing a girl at so impressible an age under your influence. +The responsibility rests with me, and I cannot help having some very sad +apprehensions. Wait, Constance, you must let me finish. I have settled +what to do, and I have Miss Starbrow's authority to take on myself the +guidance of the girl in all spiritual matters. I spoke to her about it, +and regret to have to say that she seems absolutely indifferent about +religion. I was deeply shocked to hear that Miss Affleck has never been +taught to say a prayer, and, so far as Miss Starbrow knows, has never +entered a church. Miss Starbrow seemed very haughty and repellent in her +manner, and declined, almost rudely, to discuss the subject of religious +teaching with me, but would leave it entirely to me, she said, to teach +the girl what I liked about such things. It is terrible to me to think +how much it may and will be in your power to write on the mind of one so +young and ignorant, and who has been brought up without God. Constance, +I will not attempt to command, I will ask you to promise not to say +things to her to destroy the effect of my teaching, and of the religious +influence I shall bring to bear on her. I am ready to go down on my +knees to you, my daughter, to implore you, by whatever you may yet hold +dear and sacred, not to bring so terrible a grief on me as the loss of +this young soul would be. For into my charge she has been committed, and +from me her Maker and Father will require her at the last day!" + +"There is no occasion for you to go on your knees to me, mother. I +repeat that I will obey your wishes in everything. Surely you must know +that, however we may differ about speculative matters, I am not +immoral, and that you can trust me. And oh, mother, let us live in peace +together. It is so unspeakably bitter to have these constant dissensions +between us. I will not complain that you have been the cause of so much +unhappiness to me, and made me a person to be avoided by the few people +we know, if only--if only you will treat me kindly." + +"My poor girl, do you not know that it is more bitter to me, a +thousand times, than to you? Oh, Constance, will you promise me one +thing?--promise me that you will go back to the Bible and read the words +of Christ, putting away your pride of mind, your philosophy and critical +spirit; promise that you will read one chapter--one verse even--every +day, and read it with a prayer in your heart that the Spirit who +inspired it will open your eyes and enable you to see the truth." + +"No, mother, I cannot promise you that, even to save myself from greater +unhappiness than you have caused me. It is so hard to have to go over +the old ground again and again." + +"I have, I hope, made you understand my wishes," returned her mother +coldly. "You can go to your room, Constance." + +The other rose and walked to the door, where she stood hesitating for +a few moments, glancing back at her mother; but Mrs. Churton's face had +grown cold and irresponsive, and finally Constance, with a sigh, left +the room and went slowly up the stairs. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +For the rest of the day peace reigned at Wood End House. Mr. Churton, +whose absence at mealtime was never made the subject of remark, did not +return to tea when the three ladies met again; for now, according to +that proverb of the Peninsula which says "Tell me who you are with, and +I will tell you who you are," Fan had ceased to belong to the extensive +genus Young Person, and might only be classified as Young Lady, at all +events for so long as she remained on a footing of equality under the +Churton roof-tree. + +There was not much conversation. Miss Churton was rather pale and +subdued in manner, speaking little. Fan was shy and ill at ease at this +her first meal in the house. Mrs. Churton alone seemed inclined to +talk, and looked serene and cheerful; but whether the late scene in the +drawing-room had been more transient in its effects in her case, or her +self-command was greater, she alone knew. After tea they all went out +to sit in the garden for an hour; Miss Churton taking a book with her, +which, however, she allowed to rest unread on her lap. Her mother had +some knitting, which occupied her fingers while she talked to Fan. The +girl, she perceived, was not yet feeling at home with them, and she +tried to overcome her diffidence by keeping up an easy flow of talk +which required no answer from the other, chiefly about their garden and +its products--flowers, fruit, and vegetables. + +Presently they had a visitor, who came out across the lawn to them +unannounced. He shook hands with the Churtons, and then with Fan, to +whom he was introduced as Mr. Northcott. A large and rather somewhat +rough-looking young man was Mr. Northcott, in a clerical coat, for he +was curate of the church at Eyethorne. His head was large, and the hair +and a short somewhat disorderly beard and moustache brown in colour; the +eyes were blue, deep-set, and habitually down-cast, and had a trick of +looking suddenly up at anyone speaking to him. His nose was irregular, +his mouth too heavy, and there was that general appearance of ruggedness +about him which one usually takes as an outward sign of the stuff that +makes the successful emigrant. To find him a curate going round among +the ladies in a little rural parish in England seemed strange. He had +as little of that professional sleekness of skin and all-for-the-best +placidity of manner one expects to see in a clergyman of the Established +Church as Mr. Churton had of that confident, all-knowing, self-assured +look one would like to see in a barrister's countenance before +entrusting him with a brief. + +He at once entered into conversation with Mrs. Churton, replying to some +question she put to him; and presently Fan began to listen with deep +interest, for they were discussing the unhappy affairs of one of the +Eyethorne poor--a bad man who was always getting drunk, fighting with +his wife, and leaving his children to starve. The curate, however, did +not seem deeply interested in the subject, and glanced not infrequently +at Miss Churton, who had resumed her reading; but it was plain to see +that she gave only a divided attention to her book. + +Mrs. Churton was at length summoned to the house about some domestic +matter; then, after a short silence, the curate began a fresh +conversation with her daughter. He did not speak to her of parish +affairs and of persons, but of books, of things of the mind, and it +seemed that his heart was more in talk of this description. Or possibly +the person rather than the subject interested him. Miss Churton was +living under a cloud in her village, which was old-fashioned and pious; +to be friendly with her was not fashionable; he alone, albeit a curate, +wished not to be in the fashion. He even had the courage to approach +personal questions. + +"Fan, I know what you are thinking of," said Miss Churton, turning +to the girl. "It is that you would like to go and caress the flowers +again--you are such a flower-lover. Would you like to go and explore the +orchard by yourself?" + +Fan thanked her gladly, and going from them, soon disappeared among the +trees. + +"You live in too small a place, too remote from the world, and old-world +in character, to be allowed to live your own life in peace," said the +curate, at a later stage of the conversation. "Your set here is composed +of barely half a dozen families, and they take their cue from the +vicarage. In London, in any large town, one is allowed to think what +one likes without the neighbours troubling their heads about it. Do you +know, Miss Churton, it is strange to me that with your acquirements and +talent you do not seek a wider and more congenial field." + +She smiled. "You must forgive me, Mr. Northcott, for having included you +among the troublers of my peace. It gives me a strange pleasure to tell +you this; it makes me strong to feel that I have your friendship and +sympathy." + +"You certainly have that, Miss Churton." + +"Thank you. I must tell you why I remain here. I am entirely dependent +on my parents just now, and shrink from beginning a second dependent +life--as a governess, for instance." + +"There should be better things than that for you. You might get a good +position in a young ladies' school." + +"It would be difficult. But apart from that, I shrink from entering +a profession which would absorb my whole time and faculties, and from +which I should probably find myself powerless to break away. I have +dreams and hopes of other things--foolish perhaps--time will show; but I +am not in a hurry to find a position, to become a crystal. And I wish +to live for myself as well as for others. I have now undertaken to teach +Miss Affleck, who will remain one year at least with us. I am glad that +this has given me an excuse for remaining where I am. I do not wish my +departure to look like running away." + +"I am glad that you have so brave a spirit." + +"I did not feel very brave to-day," she replied, smiling sadly. "But +a little sympathy serves to revive my courage. Do you remember that +passage in Bacon, 'Mark what a courage a dog will put on when sustained +by a nature higher than its own'? That is how it is with us women--those +of the strong-minded tribe excepted; man is to us a kind of _melior +natura_, without whose sustaining aid we degenerate into abject +cowards." + +A red flush came into Mr. Northcott's dull-hued cheeks. "I presume you +are joking, Miss Churton; but if--" + +"No, not joking," she quickly returned; "although I perhaps did not mean +as much as I said. But I wish I could show my gratitude for the comfort +you give me--for upholding me with your stronger nature." + +"Do you, Miss Churton? Then I will be so bold as to make a request, +although I am perhaps running the risk of offending you. Will you come +to church next Sunday? I don't mean in the morning, but in the evening. +Please don't think for a moment that I have any faith in my power to +influence your mind in any way. I am not such a conceited ass as to +imagine anything of the sort. My motive for making the request was quite +independent of any such considerations. My experience is that those who +lose faith in Christianity do not recover it. I speak, of course, of +people who know their own minds." + +"I know my own mind, Mr. Northcott." + +"No doubt; and for that very reason I am not afraid to ask you this. +You used occasionally to come to church, so that it can't be scruples +of conscience that keep you away. As a rule, in London we always have a +very fair sprinkling of agnostics in a congregation, and sometimes more +than a sprinkling." + +"I am not an agnostic, Mr. Northcott, if I know what that word means. +But let that pass. In London the church-goer is in very many cases a +stranger to the preacher; if he hears hard things spoken in the pulpit +of those who have no creed, he does not take it as a personal attack. +I absented myself from our church because the vicar in his sermon +on unbelief preached against _me_. He said that those who rejected +Christianity had no right to enter a church; that by doing so they +insulted God and man; and that their only motive was to parade their +bitter scornful infidelity before the world, and that they cherish a +malignant hatred towards the faith which they have cast off, and much +more in the same strain. Every person in the congregation had his or her +eyes fixed on me, to see how I liked it, knowing that it was meant for +me; and I dare say that what they saw gave them great pleasure. For a +stronger nature than my own was not sustaining me then, but all were +against me, and the agony of shame I suffered I shall never forget. I +could only shut my eyes and try to keep still; but I felt that all the +blood in my veins had rushed to my face and brain, and that my blood was +like fire. I seemed to be able to see myself fiery red--redder than the +setting sun--in the midst of all those shadowed faces that were watching +me. I have hated that man since, much as it distresses me to have such a +feeling against any fellow-creature." + +"I remember the circumstance," said the curate, his face darkening. "I +do not agree with my vicar about some things, and he had no warrant for +what he said in the teachings of his Master. Since you have recalled +this incident to my mind, Miss Churton, I can only apologise for having +asked you to come on Sunday." + +"I think I was wrong to let that sermon influence me so much," she +returned. "I feel ashamed of keeping my resentment so long. Mr. +Northcott, I will promise to go on Sunday evening, unless something +happens to prevent me." + +He thanked her warmly. "Whatever your philosophical beliefs may be, Miss +Churton, you have the true Christian spirit," he said--saying perhaps +too much. "I am glad for your sake that Miss Affleck has come to reside +with you. Your life will be less lonely." + +"Tell me, what do you think of her?" + +"She has a rare delicate loveliness, and there is something +indescribable in her eyes which seemed to reveal her whole past life to +me. Do you know, Miss Churton, I often believe I have a strange faculty +of reading people's past history in the expression of their faces?" + +"Tell me what you read?" + +"When I was talking to your mother about that drunken ruffian in the +village, and his ill-treatment of his miserable children, I caught sight +of the girl's eyes fixed on me, wide open, expressing wonder and pain. +She had never, I feel sure, even heard of such things as I spoke about. +I seemed to know in some mysterious way that she was an only child--the +child, I believe, of a widowed father, who doted on her, and surrounded +her with every luxury wealth could purchase, and permitted no breath of +the world's misery to reach her, lest it should make her unhappy. Now, +tell me, have I prophesied truly?" + +She smiled, but had no desire to laugh at his little delusion about a +mysterious faculty. It is one common enough, and very innocent. The girl +was an orphan, and that, she told him, was all she knew of her history. + +The curate went away with a feeling of strange elation; for how gracious +she had been to him, how happy he was to have won her confidence, how +sweet the tender music of her voice had seemed when she had freely +told him the secrets of her heart! Poor man! his human nature was a +stumbling-block in his way. By-and-by he would have to reflect that his +sympathy with an unbeliever had led him almost to the point of speaking +evil of dignities--of his vicar, to wit, who paid him seventy pounds a +year for his services. That was about all Mr. Northcott had to live on; +and yet--oh, folly!--a declaration of love, an offer of marriage, had +been trembling on his lips throughout all that long conversation. + +Miss Churton hurried off in search of Fan, surprised that she had kept +out of sight so long; and as she walked through the orchard, looking +for her on this side and that, she also felt surprised at her own +light-heartedness. For how strangely happy she felt after a morning so +full of contention and bitterness! Fan saw her coming--saw even at a +distance in her bright face the reflection of a heartfelt gladness. But +the girl did not move to meet her, nor did she watch her coming with +responsive gladness; she stood motionless, her pale face seen in profile +against the green cloud of a horse-chestnut tree that drooped its broad +leaves to touch and mingle with the grass at her very feet. It seemed +strange to Constance as she drew near, still glad, and yet with +lingering footsteps so that the sight might be the longer enjoyed, that +her pupil should have come at that precise period of the day to stand +there motionless at that particular spot; that this pale city girl in +her civilised dress should have in her appearance at that moment no +suggestion of artificiality, but should seem a something natural and +unadulterated as flowering tree and grass and sunshine, a part of +nature, in absolute and perfect harmony with it. The point to which Fan +had wandered was a little beyond the orchard, close to an old sunk fence +or ha-ha separating it from the field beyond. The turf at her feet was +white with innumerable daisies, and the only tree at that spot was the +great chestnut beside which she stood, and against which, in her +white dress and with her pallid face, she looked so strangely pure, so +flower-like and yet ethereal, as if sprung from the daisies whitening +the turf around her, and retaining something of their flower-like +character, yet unsubstantial--a beautiful form that might at any moment +change to mist and float away from sight. In the field beyond, where +her eyes were resting, the lush grass was sprinkled with the gold of +buttercups; and in the centre of the field stood a group of four or five +majestic elm-trees; the sinking sun was now directly behind them, and +shining level through the foliage filled the spaces between the leaves +with a red light, which looked like misty fire. On the vast expanse of +heaven there was no cloud; only low down in the east and south-east, +near the horizon, there were pale vague shadows, which in another +half-hour's time would take the rounded form of clouds, deepening to +pearly grey and flushing red and purple in the setting beams. From the +elms and fields, from the orchard, from other trees and fields further +away, came up the songs of innumerable birds, making the whole air ring +and quiver with the delicate music; so many notes, so various in tone +and volume, had the effect of waves and wavelets and ripples, rising and +running and intersecting each other at all angles, forming an intricate +pattern, as it were, a network of sweetest melody. Loud and close at +hand were heard the lusty notes of thrush and blackbird, chaffinch and +blackcap; and from these there was a gradation of sounds, down to the +faint lispings of the more tender melodists singing at a distance, +reaching the sense like voices mysterious and spiritualised from some +far unseen world. And at intervals came the fluting cry of the cuckoo, +again and again repeated, so aerial, yet with such a passionate depth in +it, as if the Spirit of Nature itself had become embodied, and from some +leafy hiding-place cried aloud with mystic lips. + +Listening to that rare melody Fan had stood for a long time, her heart +feeling almost oppressed with the infinite sweetness of nature; so +motionless that the yellow skippers and small blue-winged butterflies +fluttered round her in play, and at intervals alighting on her dress, +sat with spread wings, looking like strange yellow and blue gems on the +snow-white drapery. Her mind was troubled at Miss Churton's approach; +for it now seemed to her that human affection and sympathy were more to +her than they had ever been; that a touch, a word, a look almost, would +be sufficient to overcome her and make her fall from her loyalty to +Mary. Even when the other was standing by her side, curiously regarding +her still pale face, she made no sign, but after one troubled glance +remained with eyes cast down. + +"Are you not tired of being alone with nature yet, Fan?" said Miss +Churton, with a smile, and placing her hand on the girl's neck. + +"Oh no, Miss Churton; it is so--pleasant to be here!" she replied. But +she spoke in a slow mechanical way, and seemed to the other strangely +cold and irresponsive; she shivered a little, too, when the caressing +hand touched her neck, as if the warm fingers had seemed icy cold. + +"Then you were not sorry to be left so long alone?" + +"No--I could not feel tired. I think--I could have stayed alone here +until--until--" then her inability to express her thoughts confused her +and she became silent. + +"Yes, Fan, until--" said the other, taking her hand. But the hand she +took rested cold and still in hers, and Fan was silent. + +At length, reddening a little, she said: + +"Miss Churton, I cannot say what I feel." + +"Do you feel, Fan, that the sight of nature fills your heart with a +strange new happiness, such as no pleasure in your London life ever +gave, and at the same time a sadness for which you cannot imagine any +cause?" + +"Oh, do you feel that too, Miss Churton? Will you tell me what it is?" + +The other smiled at the question. "If I could do that, Fan, I should be +a very wise girl indeed. It is a feeling that we all have at times; and +some day when we read the poets together you will find that they often +speak of it. Keats says of the music of the nightingale that it makes +his heart ache to hear it, but he does not know why it aches any more +than we do. We can say what the feeling is which human love and sympathy +give us--the touch of loving hands and lips, the words that are sweet to +hear. This we can understand; but that mixed glad and melancholy feeling +we have in nature we cannot analyse. How can anything in nature know +our heart like a fellow-being--the sun, and wind, and trees, and singing +birds? Yet it all seems to come in love to us--so great a love that +we can hardly bear it. The sun and wind seem to touch us lovingly; the +earth and sky seem to look on us with an affection deeper than man's--a +meaning which we cannot fathom. But, oh, Fan, it is foolish and idle of +me to try to put what we feel into words! Don't you think so?" + +"I think I feel what you say, Miss Churton." + +"And when you said just now that you could stand here alone, seeing and +hearing, _until--until_--and then stopped, perhaps you wished to say +that you could remain here until you understood it all, and knew the +meaning of that mysterious pain in your heart?" + +"Yes--I think I felt that"; and glancing up she met the other's eyes +full on her own, so dark and full of affection, and with a mistiness +rising in their clear depths. She was sorely tempted then to put her +arms about her teacher's neck; the struggle was too much for her; she +trembled, and covering her face with her hands burst into tears. + +"Dearest Fan, you must not cry," said Miss Churton, tenderly caressing +her; but there was no response, only that slight shivering of the frame +once more, as if it pained her to be caressed, and she wondered at +the girl's mood, which was so unlike that of the morning. A painful +suspicion crossed her mind. Had her mother, in her anxiety about Fan's +spiritual welfare, already taken the girl into her confidence, as she +had taken others, or dropped some word of warning to prejudice her mind? +Had she told this gentle human dove that she must learn the wisdom +of the serpent _from_ a serpent--a kind of Lamia who had assumed a +beautiful female form for the purpose of instructing her? No, it could +not be; there had been no opportunity for private conversation yet; and +it was also hateful to her to think so hardly of her mother. But she +made no further attempt just then to win her pupil's heart, and in a +short time they returned to the house together. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +Fan was up early next morning--the ringing concert of the orchard, so +different from the dull rumble of the streets, had chased away sleep, +and all desire to sleep--and punctually at eight o'clock she came +down to breakfast. Mr. Churton alone was in the room, looking as +usual intensely respectable in his open frock-coat, large collar, and +well-brushed grey hair. He was standing before the open window looking +out, humming or croaking a little tune, and jingling his chain and seals +by way of accompaniment. + +"Ha, my dear, looking fresh as a flower--_and_ as pretty!" he said, +turning round and taking her hand; then, after two or three irresolute +glances at her face, he drew her towards him, and was about to imprint a +kiss on her forehead (let us hope), when, for some unaccountable reason, +she shrank back from him and defeated his purpose. + +"Why, why, my dear child, you surely can't object to being kissed! +You must look on me as--ahem--it is quite the custom here--surely, my +dear--" + +Just then Mrs. Churton entered the room, and her husband encountering +her quick displeased look instantly dropped the girl's hand. + +"My dear," he said, addressing his wife, "I have just been pointing out +the view from the windows to Miss Affleck, and telling her what charming +walks there are in the neighbourhood. I think that as we are so near the +end of the week it would be just as well to postpone all serious +studies until Monday morning and show our guest some of the beauties of +Eyethorne." + +"Perhaps it would, Nathaniel," she returned, with a slight asperity. +"But I should prefer it if you would leave all arrangements to me." + +"Certainly, my dear; it was merely a suggestion made on the spur of the +moment. I am sure Miss Affleck will be charmed with the--the scenery, +whenever it can conveniently be shown to her." + +His wife made no reply, but proceeded to open a Bible and read a few +verses, after which she made a short prayer--a ceremony which greatly +surprised Fan. The three then sat down to breakfast, Miss Churton not +yet having appeared. It was a moderately small table, nearly square, and +each person had an entire side to himself. They were thus placed not too +far apart and not too near. + +Presently Miss Churton appeared, not from her room but from an early +walk in the garden, and bringing with her a small branch of May jewelled +with red blossoms. She stood for a few moments on the threshold looking +at Fan, a very bright smile on her lips. How beautiful she looked to the +girl, more beautiful now than on the previous day, as if her face +had caught something of the dewy freshness of earth and of the tender +morning sunlight. Then she came in, walking round the table to Fan's +side, and bidding her parents "Good morning," but omitting the usual +custom of kissing father and mother. Stopping at the girl's side she +stooped and touched her forehead with her lips, then placed the branch +of May by the side of her plate. + +"This is for you," she said. "I know what a flower-worshipper you are." + +"Constance, you ought not to say that!" said her mother, reprovingly. + +"Why not?" said the other, going to her place and sitting down, a red +flush on her face. "It is a common and very innocent expression, I +fancy." + +"That may be your opinion. The expression you use so lightly has only +one and a very solemn meaning for me." + +Fan glanced wonderingly from one to the other, then dropped her eyes on +her flowers. In a vague way she began to see that her new friends did +not exist in happy harmony together, and it surprised and troubled her. +The bright sunny look had gone from Miss Churton's face, and the meal +proceeded almost in silence to the end. + +And yet father, mother, and daughter all felt that there was an +improvement in their relations, that the restraint caused by the +presence of this shy, silent girl would make their morning and midday +meetings at meal-time less a burden than they had hitherto been. To Miss +Churton especially that triangle of three persons, each repelling and +repelled by the two others, had often seemed almost intolerable. Husband +and wife had long ceased to have one interest, one thought, one feeling +in common; while the old affection between mother and daughter had now +so large an element of bitterness mingled with it that all its original +sweetness seemed lost. As for her degenerate, weak-minded, tippling +father, Miss Churton regarded him with studied indifference. She never +spoke of him, and tried never to think of him when he was out of the +way; when she saw him, she looked through him at something beyond, as if +he had no more substance than one of Ossian's ghosts, through whose +form one might see the twinkling of the stars. It was better, she wisely +thought, to ignore him, to forget his existence, than to be vexed with +feelings of contempt and hostility. + +Mr. Churton, after finishing his breakfast, retired to his "study," with +the air of a person who has letters to write. His study was really only +a garret which his wife had fitted up as a comfortable smoking den, +where he was privileged to blow the abhorrent tobacco-cloud with +impunity, since the pestilent vapour flew away heavenwards from the open +window; moreover, while smoking at home he was safe, and not fuddling +his weak brains and running up a long bill at the "King William" in the +village. + +Miss Churton finished her coffee and rose from the table. + +"Constance," said her mother, "I think that as it is Friday to-day +it might be as well to defer your lessons until Monday, and give Miss +Affleck a little time to look about her and get acquainted with her new +home." + +"If you think it best, mother," she returned; and then after an interval +added, "Have you formed any plans for to-day--I mean with reference to +Fan?" + +"Why do you say Fan?" + +"Because she asked me to do so," returned the other a little coldly. + +Fan was again looking at them. When they spoke they were either +constrained and formal or offending each other. It was something to +marvel at, for towards herself they had shown such sweet kindliness in +their manner; and she had felt that if it were only lawful she could +love them both dearly, as one loves mother and sister. + +With a little hesitation she turned to Mrs. Churton and said, "Will you +please call me Fan too? I like it so much better than Miss Affleck." + +"Yes, certainly, if you wish it," said the lady, smiling on her. After a +while she continued--"Fan, my dear child, before we settle about how the +day will be spent, I must tell you that we have arranged to share the +task of teaching you between us." Her daughter looked at her surprised. +"I mean," she continued, correcting herself, "that it will be arranged +in that way. Did Miss Starbrow speak to you about it in the garden +before she left?" + +Fan answered in the negative: she had a painfully vivid recollection of +what Miss Starbrow had said in the garden. + +"Well, this is to be the arrangement, which Miss Starbrow has +sanctioned. There are several things for you to study, and Miss Churton +will undertake them all except one. It will be for me to instruct you in +religion." + +Fan glanced at her with a somewhat startled expression in her eyes. + +"Do you not think you would like me to teach you?" asked Mrs. Churton, +noticing the look. + +She answered that she would like it; then remembering certain words +of Mary's, added a little doubtfully, "Mrs. Churton, Mary--I mean +Miss Starbrow--said she hoped I would not learn to be religious in the +country." + +Mrs. Churton heard this with an expression of pain, then darted a quick +glance at her daughter's face; but she did not see the smile of the +scoffer there; it was a face which had grown cold and impassive, and she +knew why it was impassive, and was as much offended, perhaps, as if the +expected smile had met her sight. To Fan she answered: + +"I am very sorry she said that. But you know, Fan, that we sometimes say +things without quite meaning them, or thinking that they will perhaps +be remembered for a long time, and do harm. I am sure--at least I trust +that Miss Starbrow did not really mean that, because I spoke to her +about giving you instruction in religious subjects, and she consented, +and left it to me to do whatever I thought best." + +Fan wondered whether Mary "did not quite mean it" when she told her what +the consequences would be if she allowed herself to love Miss Churton. +No, alas! she must have meant that very seriously from the way she +spoke. + +"You must not be afraid that we are going to make you study too much, +Fan," the lady continued; "that is not Miss Starbrow's wish. I shall +only give you a short simple lesson every day, and try to explain it, so +that I hope you will find it both easy and pleasant to learn of me. And +now, my dear girl, you shall choose for yourself to-day whether you will +go out for a walk in the woods with Miss Churton, or remain with me and +let me speak with you and explain what I wish you to learn." + +The proposed walk in the woods was a sore temptation; she would gladly +have chosen that way of spending the morning, but the secret trouble +in her heart caused by Mary's warning words made her shrink from the +prospect of being alone with Miss Churton so soon again; and it only +increased the feeling to see her beautiful young teacher's eyes eagerly +fixed on her face. With that struggle still going on in her breast, and +compelled to make her choice, she said at length, "I think I should like +to stay with you, Mrs. Churton." + +The lady smiled and said she was glad. + +Miss Churton moved towards the door, then paused and spoke coldly: "Do +you wish me to understand, mother, that Miss Affleck is to devote her +mornings to you, and that I shall only have the late hours to teach her +in?" + +"No, Constance; I am surprised that you should understand it in that +way. Only for these two days Miss Affleck will be with me in the +morning. I know very well that the early part of the day is the best +time for study, when the intellect is fresh and clear; and when +you begin teaching her she will of course devote the morning to her +lessons." + +After hearing this explanation her daughter left the room without more +words. In a few minutes she came down again with hat and gloves on, a +book in her hand, and went away by herself, feeling far from happy in +her mind. She had so confidently looked forward to a morning with her +pupil, and had proposed to go somewhat further than she had ventured on +the previous evening in a study of her character. For it seemed to her +at first so simple a character, so affectionate and clinging, reflecting +itself so transparently in her expressive face, and making itself known +so clearly in her voice and manner. Then that mystifying change had +occurred in the orchard, when her words had been eagerly listened to, +and had seemed to find an echo in the girl's heart, while her advances +had met with no response, and her affectionate caresses had been shrunk +from, as though they had given pain. Then the suspicion about her mother +had come to disturb her mind; but she had been anxious not to judge +hastily and without sufficient cause, and had succeeded in putting it +from her as an unworthy thought. Now it came back to her, and remained +and rooted itself in her mind. Now she understood why her mother, with +an ostentatious pretence of fairness, even of generosity, towards her +daughter, had left it to Fan to decide whether she would walk in the +woods or spend the morning receiving religious instruction at home. Now +she understood why Fan, a lover of flowers and of the singing of birds, +had preferred the house and the irksome lessons. Her mother, in her +fanatical zeal, had been too quick for her, and had prejudiced the +girl's mind against her, acting with a meanness and treachery which +filled her with the greatest resentment and scorn. + +We know that her judgment was at fault; and her anger was perhaps +unreasonable. _All_ anger is said to be unreasonable by some wise +people, which makes one wonder why this absurd, perverse, and +superfluous affection was ever thrust into our souls. But the feeling +in her was natural, for her mother had indirectly inflicted much +unhappiness on her already, in her mistaken efforts to do her good; and +when we suffer an injury from some unknown hand, we generally jump to +the conclusion that it comes from the enemy we wot of; and, very often, +the surmise is a correct one. She, Miss Churton, certainly regarded this +thing as a personal injury. She had anticipated much pleasure from the +society of her pupil, and after that first conversation in the garden +had resolved to win her love, and be to her friend and sister as well +as teacher. Now it seemed that the girl was to be nothing to her and +everything to her mother, and naturally she was disappointed and angry. +We have all seen women--some of them women who read books, listen to +lectures, and even take degrees, and must therefore be classed with +rational beings--who will cry out and weep, and only stop short of +tearing their raiment and putting ashes on their heads, at the loss of +a pet dog, or cat, or canary; and Miss Churton had promised herself a +greater pleasure from her intercourse with this girl, who had so won her +heart with her pale delicate beauty and her feeling for nature, than it +is possible for a rational being to derive from the companionship of +any dumb brute--even of such a paragon among four-footed things as +a toy-terrier, or pug, or griffon. All through her walk in the shady +woods, and when she sat in a sequestered spot under her favourite tree +with her book lying unread on her lap, she could only think of her +mother's supposed treachery, and of that look of triumph on her face +when Fan had decided to remain in the house with her--rejoicing, +no doubt, at her daughter's defeat. All this seemed hard to endure +uncomplainingly; but she was strong and proud, and before quitting her +sylvan retreat she resolved to submit quietly and with a good grace +to the new position of affairs, though brought about by such unworthy +means. She would make no petulant complaints nor be sullen, nor drop any +spiteful or scornful words to spoil her mother's satisfaction; nor +would she make any overt attempts to supplant her mother in the girl's +confidence, or to win even a share of her affection. She would hide her +own pain, and faithfully perform the dry, laborious task of instruction +assigned her, unrelieved by any such feelings of a personal kind, and +looking for no reward beyond the approval of her own conscience. It was +impossible, she said to herself with bitterness, that she should ever +stoop, even in self-defence, to use one of those weapons which were +to be found in her mother's armoury--the little underhand doings, +hypocrisies, and whispered insinuations which her religion sanctified. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +That decision of Fan's to remain at home had really come with a little +surprise on Mrs. Churton; for although it was what she had hoped, the +hope had been a faint one, and the pleasure it gave her was therefore +all the greater. With this feeling another not altogether to her credit +was mingled--a certain satisfaction at finding her company preferred +to that of her daughter. For it could not be supposed that the girl +experienced just then any eager desire after religious knowledge; she +had just reported Miss Starbrow's scoffing words with such a curious +simplicity, as if she looked on religion merely as a branch of learning, +like mineralogy or astronomy, which was scarcely necessary to her, and +might therefore very well be dispensed with. No, it was purely a matter +of personal preference; and Mrs. Churton, albeit loving and thinking +well of herself, as most people do, could not help finding it a little +strange: for her daughter, notwithstanding that her mind was darkened +by that evil spirit of unbelief, was outwardly a beautiful, engaging +person, ready and eloquent of speech, and seemed in every way one who +would easily win the unsuspecting regard of a simple-minded affectionate +girl like Fan. It was strange and--_providential_. Yes, that explained +the whole mystery, and so fully satisfied her religious mind that she +was instantly relieved from the task of groping after any other cause. + +While these thoughts were passing through her mind they were standing +together before the open window, following Miss Churton's form with +their eyes, as she went away in the direction of Eyethorne woods. But +Fan had a very different feeling; she recalled that interview of the +last evening in the orchard, the clear, tender eyes looking invitingly +into hers, the touch of a warm caressing hand, the words in which her +own strange feelings experienced for the first time had been so aptly +described to her; and the thought gave her a dull pain--a vague sense of +some great blessing missed, of something which had promised to make her +unspeakably happy passing from her life. + +It was some slight compensation that the scene of that first lesson in +religious doctrine she had expressed herself willing to receive was +in the garden, where they were soon comfortably seated under an +acacia-tree; and that is a tree which does not shut out the heavenly +gladness, like beech and elm and lime, but rather tempers the sunshine +with its loose airy foliage, making a half-brightness that is pleasanter +than shade. + +By means of much gentle questioning, herself often suggesting the +answers, Mrs. Churton gradually drew from the girl an account of all she +knew and thought about sacred subjects. She was shocked and grieved +to discover that this young lady from the metropolis was in a state of +ignorance with regard to such subjects that would have surprised her +in any cottage child among the poor she was accustomed to visit in +the neighbourhood. The names of the Creator and of the Saviour were +certainly familiar to Fan; from her earliest childhood she had heard +them spoken with frequency in her old Moon Street home. But that was +all. Her mother had taught her nothing--not even to lisp, when she was +small, the childish rhyme: + + Now I lay me down to sleep, + I pray the Lord my soul to keep. + +Her Scripture lessons at the Board School had powerfully impressed her, +but in a confused and unpleasant way. Certain portions of the historical +narrative affected her with their picturesque grandeur, and fragments +remained in her memory; the Bible and religion generally came to be +associated in her mind with dire wrath, and war, and the shedding +of blood, with ruin of cities and tribulations without end. It was +processional--a great confused host covered with clouds of dust, shields +and spears, and brass and scarlet, and noise of chariot-wheels and +blowing of trumpets--an awful pageant fascinating and terrifying to +contemplate. And when she stood still, a little frightened, to see a +horde of Salvationists surge past her in the street, with discordant +shouting and singing, waving of red flags and loud braying of brass +instruments, this seemed to her a kind of solemn representation of those +ancient and confused doings she had read about; beyond that it had +no meaning. Before her mother's death she had sometimes gone to St. +Michael's Church on wet or cold or foggy winter evenings; for in better +weather it was always overcrowded, and the vergers--a kind of mitigated +policemen, Fan thought them--would hunt her away from the door. For in +those days she was so ragged and such a sad-looking object, and they +doubtless knew very well what motive she had in going there. She had +gone there only because it was warm and dry, and the decorations and +vestments, the singing and the incense, were sweet to her senses; but +what she had heard had not enlightened her. + +Mrs. Churton sighed. How unutterably sad it seemed to her that this +girl, so lovely in her person, so sweet in disposition, with so pure +and saint-like an expression, should be in this dark and heathenish +condition! But there was infinite comfort in the thought that this +precious soul to be saved had fallen into her hands, and not into those +of some worldling like Miss Starbrow herself, or, worse still, of a +downright freethinker like her own daughter. After having made her first +survey of Fan's mind, finding nothing there except that queer farrago +of Scripture lessons which had never been explained to her, and were now +nearly forgotten, it seemed to Mrs. Churton that it was almost a blank +with regard to spiritual things, like that proverbial clean sheet of +paper on which anything good or bad may be written. It troubled her +somewhat, and this was the one cloud on that fair prospect, that her +daughter would have so much to do with Fan's mind. She was anxious to +trust in her daughter's honour, yet felt, with her belief concerning the +weakness of any merely human virtue, that it would scarcely be safe or +right to trust her. She resolved to observe a middle course--to trust +her, but not wholly, to pray but to watch as well, lest the fowls of the +air should come in her absence and devour the sacred seed she was about +to scatter. + +These, and many more reflections of a like kind, occurred to her while +she was occupied in turning over that pitiful rubbish, composed of +broken fragments of knowledge, in the girl's mind; then she addressed +herself fervently to the task of planting there the great elementary +truth that we are all alike bad by nature, and that only by faith in the +Son of God who died for our sins can we hope to save our souls alive. +This was unspeakably bewildering to Fan, for in a vague kind of way her +neglected mind had conceived a system of right and wrong of its own, +which was entirely independent of any narrative or set of doctrines, and +did not concern itself with the future of the soul. To her mind there +were good people and bad people, besides others she could not classify, +in whom the two opposite qualities were blended, or who were of +a neutral moral tint. The good were those who loved their +fellow-creatures, especially their relations, and were kind to them +in word and deed. The bad were those who gave pain to others by their +brutality and selfishness, by untruthfulness and deceit, and by speaking +unkind and impure words. + +Now to be told that this was all a vain delusion, mere fancy, that +she was a child of sin, as unclean in the sight of Heaven as the +worst person she had ever known--a Joe Harrod or a Captain Horton, for +instance--and that God's anger would burn for ever against her unless +she cast away her own filthy rags--Fan thought that these had been +cast away a long time ago--and clothed herself with the divine +righteousness--all that bewildered and surprised her at first. But +being patient and docile she proved amenable to instruction, and as she +unhesitatingly and at once yielded up every point which her instructress +told her was wrong, there was nothing to hinder progress--if this rapid +skimming along over the surface of a subject can be so described. And as +the lesson progressed it seemed to Mrs. Churton that her pupil took +an ever-increasing interest in it, that her mind became more and more +receptive and her intelligence quicker. + +The girl's shyness wore off by degrees, her tremulous voice grew firmer, +her pallid cheeks flushed with a colour tender as that of the wild +almond blossom, and her eyes, bright with a new-born confidence, were +lifted more frequently to the other's face. Their hands touched often +and lingered caressingly together, and when the elder lady smiled, +a responsive smile shone in the girl's raised eyes and played on her +delicately-moulded mouth--a smile that was like sunlight on clear water, +revealing a nature so simple and candid; and deep down, trembling into +light, the crystalline soul which had come without flaw from its Maker's +hands, and in the midst of evil had caught no stain to dim its perfect +purity. It seemed now to Mrs. Churton, as she expounded the sacred +doctrines which meant so much to her, that she had not known so great a +happiness since her daughter, white even to her lips at the thought +of the cruel pain she was about to inflict, yet unable to conceal the +truth, had come to her and said with trembling voice, "Mother, I no +longer believe as you do." For how much grief had the children God had +given her already caused her spirit! Two comely sons, her first and +second-born, had after a time despised her teachings, and had grown up +almost to manhood only to bring shame and poverty on their home; and +had then drifted away beyond her ken to lose themselves in the wandering +tribe of ne'er-do-wells in some distant colony. But her daughter had +been left to her, the clear-minded thoughtful girl who would not be +corrupted by the weakness and vices of a father, nor meet with such +temptations as her brothers had been powerless to resist; and in loving +this dear girl with the whole strength of her nature--this one child +that was left to her to be with her in time and eternity--she had found +consolation, and had been happy, until that dark day had arrived, and +she heard the words that spoke to her heart + + A deeper sorrow + Than the wail upon the dead. + +It is true that she still hoped against hope; that she loved her +daughter with passionate intensity, and clove to her, and was filled +with a kind of terror at the thought of losing her, when Constance +spoke, as she sometimes did, of leaving her home; but this love had no +comfort, no sweetness, no joy in it, and it seemed to her more +bitter than hate. It showed itself like hatred in her looks and words +sometimes; for in spite of all her efforts to bear this great trial with +the meekness her Divine Exemplar had taught, the bitter feeling would +overcome her. "Mother, I know that you hate me!"--that was the reproach +that was hardest to bear from her daughter's lips, the words that stung +her to the quick. For although untrue, she felt that they were deserved; +so cold did her anger and unhappiness make her seem to this rebellious +child, so harsh and so bitter! And sometimes the reproach seemed to have +the strange power of actually turning her love to the hatred she was +charged with, and at such times she could scarcely refrain from crying +out in her overmastering wrath to invoke a curse from the Almighty on +her daughter's head, to reply that it was true, that she did hate her +with a great hatred, but that her hatred was as nothing compared to +that of her God, who would punish her for denying His existence with +everlasting fire. Unable to hide her terrible agitation, she would fly +to her room, her heart bursting with anguish, and casting herself on her +knees cry out for deliverance from such distracting thoughts. After one +of these stormy periods, followed by swift compunction, she would be +able again to meet and speak to her daughter in a frame of mind which by +contrast seemed strangely meek and subdued. + +Now, sitting in the garden with Fan, all the old tender motherly +feelings, and the love that had no pain in it, were coming back to her, +and it was like the coming of spring after a long winter; and this girl, +a stranger to her only yesterday, one who was altogether without that +knowledge which alone can make the soul beautiful, seemed already to +have filled the void in her heart. + +On the other side it seemed to Fan, as she looked up to meet the grave +tender countenance bent towards her, that it grew every moment dearer +to her sight, It was a comely face still: Miss Churton's beauty was +inherited from her mother--certainly not from her father. The features +were regular, and perhaps that grey hair had once been golden, thought +Fan--and the face now pallid and lined with care full of rich colour. +Imagination lends a powerful aid to affection. She had found someone +to love and was happy once more. For to her love was everything; "all +thoughts, all feelings, all delights" were its ministers and "fed its +sacred flame"; this was the secret motive ever inspiring her, and it was +impossible for her to put any other, higher or lower, in its place. Not +that sweet sickness and rage of the heart which is also called love, and +which so enriches life that we look with a kind of contemptuous pity on +those who have never experienced it, thinking that they have only a dim +incomplete existence, and move through life ghost-like and sorrowful +among their joyous brothers and sisters. Such a feeling had never yet +touched or come near to her young heart; and her ignorance was so great, +and the transition to her present life so recent, that she did not yet +distinguish between the different kinds of that feeling--that which was +wholly gross and animal, seen in foul faces and whispered in her ears by +polluted lips, from which she had fled, trembling and terrified, through +the dark lanes and streets of the City of Dreadful Night; and the same +feeling as it appears, sublimed and beautified, in the refined and the +virtuous. As yet she knew nothing about a beautiful love of that kind; +but she had in the highest degree that purer, better affection which +we prize as our most sacred possession, and even attribute to the +immortals, since our earthly finite minds cannot conceive any more +beautiful bond uniting them. It was this flame in her heart which had +kept her like one alone, apart and unsoiled in the midst of squalor +and vice, which had made her girlhood so unspeakably sad. Her soul had +existed in a semi-starved condition on such affection as her miserable +intemperate mother had bestowed on her, and, for the rest, the sight of +love in which she had no part in some measure ministered to her wants +and helped to sustain her. + +One of the memories of her dreary life in Moon Street, which remained +most vividly impressed on her mind, was of a very poor family whose head +was an old man who mended broken-bottomed cane-chairs for a living; the +others being a daughter, a middle-aged woman whose husband had forsaken +her, and her three children. The eldest child was a stolid-looking +round-faced girl about thirteen years old, who had the care of the +little ones while her mother was away at work in a laundry. This family +lodged in a house adjoining the one in which Fan lived, and for several +weeks after they came there she used to shrink away in fear from the old +grandfather whenever she saw him going out in the morning and returning +in the evening. He was a tall spare old man, sixty-five or seventy years +old, with clothes worn almost to threads, a broad-brimmed old felt hat +on his head, and one of his knees stiff, so that he walked like a man +with a wooden leg. But he was erect as a soldier, and always walked +swiftly, even when returning, tired no doubt, from a long day's +wandering and burdened with his bundle of cane and three or four old +broken chairs--his day's harvest. But what a face was that old man's! He +had long hair, almost white, a thin grey stern face with sharp aquiline +features, and, set deep under his feather-like tufty eyebrows, blue +eyes that looked cold and keen as steel. If he had walked in Pall Mall, +dressed like a gentleman, the passer-by would have turned to look after +him, and probably said, "There goes a leader of men--a man of action--a +fighter of England's battles in some distant quarter of the globe." But +he was only an old gatherer of broken chairs, and got sixpence for +each chair he mended, and lived on it; an indomitable old man who lived +bravely and would die bravely, albeit not on any burning plain or in +any wild mountain pass, leading his men, but in a garret, where he would +mend his last broken chair, and look up unflinching in the Destroyer's +face. Whenever he came stumping rapidly past, and turned that swift +piercing eagle glance on Fan, she would shrink aside as if she felt +the sting of sleet or a gust of icy-cold wind on her face. That was +at first. Afterwards she discovered that at a certain hour of the late +afternoon the eldest girl would come down and take up her station in the +doorway to wait his coming. When he appeared her eyes would sparkle and +her whole face kindle with a glad excitement, and hiding herself in the +doorway, she would wait his arrival, then suddenly spring out to startle +him with a joyous cry. The sight of this daily meeting had such a +fascination for Fan that she would always try to be there at the proper +time to witness it; and after it was over she would go about for hours +feeling a kind of reflected happiness in her heart at the love which +gladdened these poor people's lives. + +Afterwards, in Dawson Place, Mary's affection for her had made her +inexpressibly happy, in spite of some very serious troubles, and now, +when Mary's last warning words had made any close friendship with Miss +Churton impossible, her heart turned readily to the mother. In this case +there had been no prohibition; Mary's jealousy had not gone so far as +that; Mrs. Churton was the one being in her new home to whom she could +cling without offence, and who could satisfy her soul with the food for +which it hungered. + +They had been sitting together over two hours in the garden when Mrs. +Churton at length rose from her seat. + +"I hope that I have not tired you--I hope that you have liked your +lesson," she said, taking the girl's hand. + +"I have liked it so much," answered Fan. "I like to be with you so much, +because"--she hesitated a little and then finished--"because I think +that you like me." + +"I like you very much, Fan," she returned, and stooping, kissed her on +the forehead. "I can say that I love you dearly, although you have only +been with us since yesterday. And if you can love me, Fan, and regard me +as a mother, it will be a great comfort to me and a great help to both +of us in our lessons." + +Fan caressed the hand which still retained hers, but at the same time +she cast down her eyes, over which a little shade of anxiety had come. +She was thinking, perhaps, that this relationship of mother and daughter +might not be an altogether desirable one. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +On Sunday Fan accompanied Mr. and Mrs. Churton to morning service, and +thought it strange that her teacher did not go with them. In the evening +the party was differently composed, the master of the house having +absented himself; then just as Mrs. Churton and Fan were starting, +Constance joined them, prayer-book in hand. Mrs. Churton was surprised, +but made no remark. Fan sat between mother and daughter, and Constance, +taking her book, found the places for her; for Mary had failed after all +to teach her how to use it. Mr. Northcott preached the sermon, and it +was a poor performance. He was not gifted with a good delivery, and +his voice was not of that moist mellifluous description, as of an organ +fattened on cream, which is more than half the battle to the young +cleric, certainly more than passion and eloquence, and of the pulpit +pulpity. There was a restless spirit in Mr. Northcott; he took a +somewhat painful interest in questions of the day, and in preaching +was prone to leave his text, to cast it away as it were, and, taking up +modern weapons, fight against modern sins, modern unbelief. + + His piping took a troubled sound, + Of storms that rage outside our happy ground; + He could not wait their passing. + +But one who was over him could, and the piping was not pleasing to him, +and scarcely intelligible to the drowsy villagers; and when in obedience +to his vicar's wish he went back to preach again of the Jews and +Jehovah's dealings with them, his sermons were no better and no worse +than those of other curates in other village pulpits. It was a sermon of +this kind that Constance heard. If some old Eyethorner, dead these fifty +years, had risen from his mouldy grave in the adjoining churchyard, and +had come in and listened, he would not have known that a great change +had come, that the bright sea of faith that once girdled the earth had +withdrawn. + + Down the vast edges drear + And naked shingles of the world. + +He took his text from the Old Testament, and spoke of the captivity of +the Israelites in Egypt. It was a dreary discourse, and through it +all Miss Churton sat leaning back with eyes half closed, but whether +listening to the preacher or attending to her own thoughts, there was +nothing in her face to show. + +When they came out into the pleasant evening air Mrs. Churton lingered +a little, as was her custom, to exchange a few words with some of her +friends, while Constance and Fan went slowly on for a short distance, +and finally moved aside from the path on to the green turf. Here +presently the curate joined them. + +"I am glad you came, Miss Churton," he spoke, pressing her hand. And +after an interval of silence he added, "I hope I have not made you hate +me for inflicting such a horribly dull discourse on you." + +"You should be the last person to say that," she returned. "You might +easily have made your sermon interesting--to _me_ I mean; but I should +not have thought better of you if you had done so." + +"Thanks for that. I am sometimes troubled with the thought that I made a +mistake in going into the Church, and the doubt troubled me this evening +when I was in the pulpit--more than it has ever done before." + +She made no reply to this speech until Fan moved a few feet away to read +a half-obliterated inscription she had been vainly studying for a minute +or two. Then she said, looking at him: + +"I cannot imagine, Mr. Northcott, why you should select me to say this +to." + +"Can you not? And yet I have a fancy that it would not be so very hard +for you to find a reason. I have been accustomed to mix with people who +read and think and write, and to discuss things freely with them, and I +cannot forget for a single hour of my waking life that the old order has +changed, and that we are drifting I know not whither. I do not wish to +ignore this in the pulpit, and yet to avoid offending I am compelled +to do so--to withdraw myself from the vexed present and look only at +ancient things through ancient eyes. I know that you can understand and +enter into that feeling, Miss Churton--you alone, perhaps, of all +who came to church this evening; is it too much to look for a little +sympathy from you in such a case?" + +She had listened with eyes cast down, slowly swinging the end of her +sunshade over the green grass blades. + +"I do sympathise with you, Mr. Northcott," she returned, "but at the +same time I scarcely think you ought to expect it, unless it be out of +gratitude for your kindness to me." + +"Gratitude! It hurts me to hear that word. I am glad, however, that you +sympathise, but why ought I not to expect it? Will you tell me?" + +"Yes, if it is necessary. I cannot pretend to respect your motives for +ignoring questions you consider so important, and which occupy your +thoughts so much. If your heart is really with the thinkers, and your +desire to be in the middle of the fight, why do you rest here in +the shade out of it all, explaining old parables to a set of sleepy +villagers who do not know that there is a battle, and have never heard +of Evolution?" + +He listened with a flush on his cheeks, and there was trouble mingled +with the admiration his eyes expressed; but when she finished speaking +he dropped them again. Before he could frame a reply Mrs. Churton +joined them, whereupon he shook hands and left them, only remarking to +Constance in a low voice, "I shall answer you when we meet again--we do +things quietly in Eyethorne." + +On their way home Mrs. Churton made a few weak attempts to draw her +daughter into conversation, and was evidently curious to know what +she had been talking about so confidentially with the curate; but her +efforts met with little success and were soon given up. + +Mr. Churton met them on their arrival at the house. "What, Constance, +you too! Well, well, wonders will never cease," he cried, smiling and +holding up his hands with a great affectation of surprise. + +"Mr. Churton!" exclaimed his wife, rebuke in her look and tones. Then +she added, "It would have been better if you had also gone with us." + +"My dear, I fully intended going. But there it is, man proposes +and--ahem--I stayed talking with a friend until it was past the time. +Most unfortunate!" and finishing with a little inconsequent chuckle, he +opened the door for them to enter. + +He was extremely lively and talkative, and Mrs. Churton had some +difficulty in keeping him within the bounds of strict Sunday-evening +propriety. At supper he became unmanageable. + +"What was the text this evening, Constance?" he suddenly asked _a +propos_ of nothing, and still inclined to make a little joke out of her +going to church. + +"I don't remember--I think it was from one of the prophets," she +returned coldly. + +"That's interesting to know," he remarked, "but a little vague--just a +little vague. Perhaps Miss Affleck remembers better; she is no doubt a +more regular church-goer," and with a chuckle he looked at her. + +Fan was distressed at being asked, but Mrs. Churton came almost +instantly to her relief. "It is rather unfair to ask her, Nathaniel," +she said, with considerable severity in her voice. "The text was from +Exodus--the tenth and eleventh verses of the sixteenth chapter." + +"Thanks--thanks, my dear. These tenths and elevenths and sixteenths are +somewhat confusing to one's memory, but you always remember them. Yet, +if my memory does not play me false, that is a text which most young +ladies would remember. It refers, I think, to the Israelitish ladies +making off with the jewellery--always a most fascinating subject." + +"It does not, Nathaniel," she said sharply. "And I wish you would +reflect that it is not quite in good taste to discuss sacred subjects in +this light tone before--a stranger." + +"My dear, you know very well that I am the last person to speak lightly +on such subjects." + +"I hope so. Let us say no more about it." + +"Very well, my dear; I'm quite willing to drop the subject. But, my +dear, now that it occurs to me, why should I drop it? Why should you +monopolise every subject connected with--with--ahem--our religious +observances? It strikes me that you are a little unreasonable." + +His wife ignored this attack, and turning to Fan, remarked that the +evening was so warm and lovely they might spend half an hour in the +garden after supper. + +"Yes, that will be charming," said Mr. Churton. "We'll all go--Constance +too," he added, with a little vindictive cackle of laughter. "Don't +be alarmed, my dear, I sha'n't smoke--pipes and religion strictly +prohibited." + +"Mr. Churton!" said his wife. + +"Yes, my dear." + +Constance rose from her seat. + +"Will you come with us, Constance?" said her mother. + +"Not this evening, mother. I wish to read a little in my room." After +bidding them good-night, she left the room. + +"Wise girl--strong-minded girl, knows her own mind," muttered Mr. +Churton, shaking his head, conscious, poor man, that he had anything but +a strong mind, and that he didn't know it. + +His wife darted an angry look at him, but said nothing. + +"My dear," he resumed. "On second thoughts I must ask to be excused. I +shall also retire to my room to read a little." + +"Very well," she answered, evidently relieved. + +"I don't quite agree with you, my dear. I don't think it is very well. +There's an old saying that you can choke a dog with pudding, and I fancy +we have too much religion in this house," and here becoming excited, he +struck the table with his fist. + +"Mr. Churton, I cannot listen to such talk!" said his wife, rising from +her seat. + +Fan also rose, a little startled at this domestic jangling, but not +alarmed, for it was by no means of so formidable a character as that to +which she had been accustomed in the old days. + +"I will join you presently in the garden, Fan," said Mrs. Churton, +and then, left alone with her husband, she proceeded to use stronger +measures; but the little man was in plain rebellion now, and from the +garden Fan could hear him banging the furniture about, and his voice +raised to a shrieky falsetto, making use of unparliamentary language. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +The Monday morning, to which Fan had been looking forward with +considerable apprehension, brought no new and frightful experience: she +was not caught up and instantly plunged fathoms down beyond her depth +into that great cold ocean of knowledge; on the contrary, Miss Churton +merely took her for a not unpleasant ramble along the margin--that old +familiar margin where she had been accustomed to stray and dabble +and paddle in the safe shallows. Miss Churton was only making herself +acquainted with her pupil's mind, finding out what roots of knowledge +already existed there on which to graft new branches; and we know that +the time Fan had spent in the Board School had not been wasted. Miss +Churton was not shocked nor disappointed as her mother had been: the +girl had made some progress, and what she had learnt had not been wholly +forgotten. + +If this easy going over old ground was a relief to Fan, she experienced +another and even a greater relief in her teacher's manner towards her. +She was gentle, patient, unruffled, explaining things so clearly, so +forcibly, so fully, as they had never been explained before, so that +learning became almost a delight; but with it all there was not the +slightest approach to that strange tenderness in speech and manner which +Fan had expected and had greatly feared. Feared, because she felt now +that she could not have resisted it; and how strange it seemed that +her finest quality, her best virtue, had become in this instance her +greatest enemy, and had to be fought against, just as some fight against +the evil that is in them. + +But Miss Churton never changed. That first morning when she had, so to +speak, looked over her pupil's mind, seeking to discover her natural +aptitudes, was a type of all the succeeding days when they were together +at their studies. The girl's fears were quickly allayed; while Mrs. +Churton more slowly and little by little got over her unjust suspicions. +And the result was that with the exception of little petulant or +passionate outbreaks on the part of Mr. Churton, mere tempests in a +tea-cup, a novel and very welcome peace reigned at Wood End House. +Between mother and daughter there was only one quarrel more--the last +battle fought at the end of a long war. For a few days after that +evening when Constance had accompanied her to church, the poor woman +almost succeeded in persuading herself that a long-desired change was +coming, that the quiet curate, who had all learning, ancient and modern, +at his finger-ends, had succeeded at last in touching her daughter's +hard heart, and in at least partially lifting the scales that darkened +her eyes. For he was always seeking her out, conversing with her, and +it was evident to her mind that he had set himself to bring back +that wanderer to the fold. But the very next Sunday brought a great +disillusion. As usual her daughter did not go to church in the morning, +but when the bells were calling to evening service, and she stood with +Fan ready to leave the house, she still lingered, looking very pale, her +hands trembling a little with her agitation, afraid to go out too soon +lest Constance should also be coming. With sinking heart she at last +came out, but before walking a dozen yards she left Fan and went back to +the house, and going up to her daughter's bedroom, tapped at the door. + +Constance opened it at once; her hat was on, and she had a book in her +hand. + +"Are you not coming to church with us, Constance?" said the mother, +speaking low as if to conceal the fact that her heart was beating fast. + +"No mother, I am only going to the garden to read." + +Mrs. Churton turned aside, and then stood for some moments in doubt. +There was such a repelling coldness in her daughter's voice, but it was +hard to have all her sweet hopes shattered again! + +"Is it because I have expected it this evening, Constance, and have +asked you to go? Then how unkind you are to me! Last Sunday evening you +went unsolicited." + +"You are mistaken," returned the other quietly. "I am not and never have +been unkind. All the unkindness and the enmity, open and secret, has +been on your side. That you know, mother. And I did not go unasked last +Sunday. Do you wish to know why I went?" + +"Why did you go?" + +"Only to please Mr. Northcott, and because he asked me. He knew, I +suppose, as well as I did myself, that it makes no difference, but I +could not do less than go when he wished it, when he is the only person +here who treats me unlike a Christian." + +_"Unlike_ a Christian! Constance, what do you mean?" + +"I mean that he has treated me kindly, as one human being should treat +another, however much they may differ about speculative matters." + +"May God forgive you for your wicked words, Constance." + +"Leave me, mother; Fan is waiting, and you will be late at church. I +have not interfered with you in any way about the girl. Teach her what +you like, make much of her, and let her be your daughter. In return I +only ask to be left alone with my own thoughts." + +Then Mrs. Churton went down and joined Fan, deeply disappointed, wounded +to the core and surprised as well. For hitherto in all their contests +she, the mother, had been the aggressor, as she could not help +confessing to herself, while Constance had always been singularly +placable and had spoken but little, and that only in self-defence. +Now her own gentle and kind words had been met with a concentrated +bitterness of resentment which seemed altogether new and strange. +"What," she asked herself, "was the cause of it?" Was this mysterious +poison of unbelief doing its work and changing a heart naturally sweet +and loving into a home of all dark thoughts and evil passions? Her words +had been blasphemous, and it was horrible to reflect on the condition of +this unhappy lost soul. + +But these distressing thoughts did not continue long. Mr. Northcott +happened that evening to say a great deal about kindness and its effects +in his sermon; and Mrs. Churton, while she listened, again and again +recalled those words which her daughter had spoken, and which had seemed +so wild and unjust--"All the unkindness and the enmity, open and secret, +has been on your side." Had she in her inconsiderate zeal given any +reason for such a charge? For if Constance really believed such a thing +it would account for her excessive bitterness. Then she remembered +how Fan had been mysteriously won over to her own side; to herself the +girl's action had seemed mysterious, but doubtless it had not seemed +so to Constance; she had set it down to her mother's secret enmity; and +though that reproach had been undeserved, it was not strange that she +had made it. + +In the evening when Miss Churton, who had recovered her placid manner, +said good-night and left the room, her mother rose and followed her out, +and called softly to her. + +Constance came slowly down the stairs, looking a little surprised. + +"Constance, forgive me if I have been unkind to you," said the mother, +with trembling voice. + +"Yes, mother; and forgive me if I said too much this evening--I _did_ +say too much." + +"I have already forgiven you," returned her mother; and then for a few +moments they remained standing together without speaking. + +"Good-night, mother," said Constance at length, and offering her hand. + +Her mother took it, and after a moment's hesitation drew the girl to her +and kissed her, after which they silently separated. + +That mutual forgiveness and kiss signified that they were now both +willing to lay aside their vain dissensions, but nothing more. That it +would mark the beginning of a closer union and confidence between them +was not for a moment imagined. Mrs. Churton had been disturbed in her +mind; her conscience accused her of indiscretion, which had probably +given rise to painful suspicions; she could not do less than ask her +enemy's forgiveness. Constance, on her side, was ready to meet any +advance, since she only desired to be left in possession of the somewhat +melancholy peace her solitary life afforded her. + +Meanwhile Fan was happily ignorant of the storm her coming to the house +had raised, and that these two ladies, both so dear to her, one loved +openly and the other secretly, had been fighting for her possession, +and that the battle was lost and won, one taking her as a lawful prize, +while the other had retired, defeated, but calmly, without complaint. +Her new life and surroundings--the noiseless uneventful days, each with +its little cares and occupations, and simple natural pleasures, the +world of verdure and melody of birds and wide expanse of sky--seemed +strangely in harmony with her spirit: it soon became familiar as if +she had been born to it; the town life, the streets she had known from +infancy, had never seemed so familiar, so closely joined to her life. +And as the days and weeks and months went by, her London life, when she +recalled it, began to seem immeasurably remote in time, or else unreal, +like a dream or a story heard long ago; and the people she had known +were like imaginary people. Only Mary seemed real and not remote--a link +connecting that old and shadowy past with the vivid living present. + +Her mornings, from nine till one o'clock, were spent with her teacher, +and occasionally they went for a walk after dinner; but as a rule they +were not together during the last half of the day. After school hours +Miss Churton would hand over her pupil, not unwillingly, to her mother, +and, if the state of the weather did not prevent, she would go away +alone with her book to Eyethorne woods. + +A strangely solitary and unsocial life, it seemed to Fan; and yet she +felt convinced in her mind that her teacher was warm-hearted, a lover of +her fellow-creatures, and glad to be with them; and that she should seem +so lonely and friendless, so apart even in her own home, puzzled her +greatly. A mystery, however, it was destined to remain for a long time; +for no word to enlighten her ever fell from Mrs. Churton's lips, who +seldom even mentioned her daughter's name, and never without a shade +coming over her face, as if the name suggested some painful thought. +All this troubled the girl's mind, but it was a slight trouble; and +by-and-by, when she had got over her first shyness towards strangers, +she formed fresh acquaintances, and found new interests and occupations +which filled her leisure time. Mrs. Churton often took her when going to +call on the few friends she had in the neighbourhood--friends who, for +some unexplained reason, seldom returned her visits. At the vicarage, +where they frequently went, Fan became acquainted with Mr. Long the +vicar, a large, grey-haired, mild-mannered man; and Mrs. Long, a round +energetic woman, with reddish cheeks and keen eyes; and the three Miss +Longs, who were not exactly good-looking nor exactly young. Before very +long it was discovered that she was clever with her needle, and, better +still, that she had learnt the beautiful art of embroidery at South +Kensington, and was fond of practising it. These talents were not +permitted to lie folded up in a napkin. A new altar-cloth was greatly +needed, and there were garments for the children of the very poor, and +all sorts of things to be made; it was arranged that she should spend +two afternoons each week at the vicarage assisting her new friends in +their charitable work. + +But more to her than these friends were the very poor, whose homes, +sometimes made wretched by want or sickness or intemperance, she visited +in Mrs. Churton's company. The lady of Wood End House was not without +faults, as we have seen; but they were chiefly faults of temper--and her +temper was very sorely tried. She could not forget her lost sons, nor +shut her eyes to her husband's worthlessness. But the passive resistance +her daughter always opposed to her efforts, her dogged adherence to a +resolution never to discuss religious questions or give a reason for +her unbelief, had a powerfully irritating, almost a maddening, effect +on her, and made her at times denunciatory and violent. Her daughter's +motive for keeping her lips closed was a noble one, only Mrs. Churton +did not know what it was. But she was conscious of her own failings, and +never ceased struggling to overcome them; and she was tolerant of faults +in others, except that one fatal fault of infidelity in her daughter, +which was too great, too terrible, to be contemplated with calm. In +spite of these small blemishes she was in every sense a Christian, +whose religion was a tremendous reality, and whose whole life was one +unceasing and consistent endeavour to follow in the footsteps of her +Divine Master. To go about doing good, to minister to the sick and +suffering and comfort the afflicted--that was like the breath of life +to her; there was not a cottage--hardly a room in a cottage--within the +parish of Eyethorne where her kindly face was not as familiar as that of +any person outside of its own little domestic circle. Mrs. Churton soon +made the discovery that she could not give Fan a greater happiness than +to take her when making her visits to the poor; to have the gentle girl +she had learnt to love and look on almost as a daughter with her was +such a comfort and pleasure, that she never failed to take her when it +was practicable. At first Fan was naturally stared at, a little rudely +at times, and addressed in that profoundly respectful manner the poor +sometimes use to uninvited visitors of a class higher than themselves, +in which the words border on servility while the tone suggests +resentment. How inappropriate and even unnatural this seemed to her! +For these were her own people--the very poor, and all the privations and +sufferings peculiar to their condition were known to her, and she had +not outgrown her sympathy with them. Only she could not tell them that, +and it would have been a great mistake if she had done so. For no one +loves a deserter--a renegade; and a beggar-girl who blossoms into a lady +is to those who are beggars still a renegade of the worst description. +But the keen interest she manifested in her shy way in their little +domestic troubles and concerns, and above all her fondness for little +children, smoothed the way, and before long made her visits welcome. +She would kneel and take the staring youngster by its dirty hand--so +perfectly unconscious of its dirtiness, which seemed very wonderful in +one so dainty-looking--and start a little independent child's gossip +with it, away from Mrs. Churton and the elders of the cottage. And +she would win the little bucolic heart, and kiss its lips, sweet and +fragrant to her in spite of the dirt surrounding them; and by-and-by +the mother's sharp expression would soften when she met the tender grey +eyes; and thereafter there would be a new happiness when Fan appeared, +and if Mrs. Churton came without her, there would be sullen looks from +the little one, and inquiries from its mother after "your beautiful +young lady from London." + +All this was inexpressibly grateful to Mrs. Churton, all the more +grateful when she noticed that these visits they made together to the +very poor seemed to have the effect of drawing the girl more and more to +her. To her mind, all this signified that her religious teachings were +sinking into the girl's heart, that her own lofty ideal was becoming +increasingly beautiful to that young mind. + +But she was making a great mistake--one which is frequently made by +those who do not know how easily some Christian virtues and qualities +are simulated by the unregenerate. All the doctrinal religion she had +imparted to Fan remained on the surface, and had not, and, owing to some +defect in her or for some other cause, perhaps could not sink down to +become rooted in her heart. After Mrs. Churton had, as she imagined, +utterly and for ever smashed and pulverised all Fan's preconceived and +wildly erroneous ideas about right and wrong, the girl's mind for some +time had been in a state of chaos with regard to such matters. But +gradually, by means of a kind of spiritual chemistry, the original +elements of her peculiar system came together, and crystallised again in +the old form. Her mental attitude was not like that of the downright and +doggedly-conservative Jan Coggan, who scorned to turn his back on "his +own old ancient doctrines merely for the sake of getting to heaven." +There was nothing stubborn or downright in her disposition, and she was +hardly conscious of the change going on in her--the reversion to her own +past. She assented readily to everything she was told by so good a woman +as Mrs. Churton, and in a way she believed it all, and read her Bible +and several pious books besides, and got the whole catechism by heart. +It was all in her memory--many beautiful things, with others too +dreadful to think about; but it could not make her life any different, +or supplant her old simple beliefs, and she could never grasp the idea +that a living faith in all these things was absolutely essential, or +that they were really more than ornamental. Her lively sympathy for +those of her own class was the only reason for the pleasure she took in +going among the poor, and it also explained her natural unconstrained +manner towards them, which so quickly won their hearts. During these +visits she often recalled her own sad condition in that distant time +when she lived in Moon Street; thinking that it would have made a great +difference if some gracious lady had come to her there, with help in +her hands and words of comfort on her lips. It was this memory, this +thought, which filled her with love and reverence for her companion; it +was gratitude for friendship to the poor, but nothing loftier. + +This was a quiet and uneventful period in Fan's life; a time of growth, +mental and physical, and of improvement; but as we have seen, the new +conditions she found herself in had not so far wrought any change in +her character. Those who knew her at Eyethorne, both gentle and simple, +would have been surprised to hear that she was not a lady by birth; in +her soul she was still the girl who had begged for pence in the Edgware +Road, who had run crying through the dark streets after the cab that +conveyed her drunken and fatally-injured mother to St. Mary's Hospital. +Let them disbelieve who know not Fan, who have never known one like her. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +One afternoon in early August Fan accompanied Mrs. Churton on a visit to +some cottages on the further side of Eyethorne village; she went gladly, +for they were going to see Mrs. Cawood, a young married woman with three +children, and one of them, the eldest, a sharp little fellow, was her +special favourite. Mrs. Cawood was a good-tempered industrious little +woman; but her husband--Cawood the carpenter--was a thorn in Mrs. +Churton's tender side. Not that he was a black sheep in the Eyethorne +fold; on the contrary, he was known to be temperate, a good husband +and father, and a clever industrious mechanic. But he was never seen at +church; on Sundays he went fishing, being devoted to the gentle craft; +and it was wrong, more so in him because of his good name than in +many another. Mrs. Churton was anxious to point this out to him, but +unfortunately could not see him; he was always out of the way when she +called, no matter when the call was timed. "I wish you could get hold of +Cawood," had been said to her many times by the parson and his wife; but +there was no getting hold of him. The curate had also tried and failed. +Once he had gone to him when he was engaged on some work, but the +carpenter had reminded him very pleasantly that there is a time for +everything, that carpentering and theology mixed badly together. + +But all things come to those who wait, and on this August afternoon the +slippery carpenter was fairly caught, like one of his own silly fish; +but whether she succeeded in landing her prize or not remains to be +told. Apparently he did not suspect that there were strangers in the +cottage--some prearranged signal had failed to work, or someone had +blundered; anyhow he walked unconcernedly into the room, and seemed +greatly surprised to find it occupied by two lady visitors. Mrs. Churton +sat with a book in her hand, gently explaining some difficult point +to his wife; while at some distance Fan was carrying on a whispered +conversation with her little friend Billy. The child sprung up with such +sudden violence that he almost capsized her low chair, and rushing to +his father embraced his legs. With a glance at his wife, expressing +mild reproach and a resolution to make the best of it, he saluted his +visitors, then deposited his bag of tools on the floor. + +Cawood was a Londoner, who had come down to do some work on a large +house in the neighbourhood, and there "met his fate" in the person of a +pretty Eyethorne girl, whom he straightway married; then, finding that +there was room for him, and good fishing to be had, he elected to stay +in his wife's village among her own people. He was a well-set-up man of +about thirty-five, with that quiet, self-contained, thoughtful look in +his countenance which is not infrequently seen in the London artisan--a +face expressing firmness and intelligence, with a mixture of _bonhomie_, +which made it a pleasant study. + +"I am glad you have come in," said the visitor. "I have been wishing to +see you for a long time, but have not succeeded in finding you at home." + +"Thank you, ma'am; it's very kind of you to come and see my wife. She +often speaks of your visits. Also of the young lady's"; and here he +looked at Fan with a pleasant smile. + +"Yes; your wife is very good. I knew her before you did, Mr. Cawood; I +have held her in my arms when she was a baby, and have known her well up +till now when she is having babies of her own." + +"And very good things to have, ma'am--in moderation," he remarked, with +a twinkle in his eye. + +"And since she makes you so good a wife, don't you think you ought to +comply with her wishes in some things?" + +"Why, yes, ma'am, certainly I ought; and what's more, I do. We get on +amazingly well together, considering that we are man and wife," and with +a slight laugh he sat down. + +Mrs. Churton winced a little, thinking for the moment that he had made a +covert allusion to the state of her own domestic relations; but after a +glance at his open genial face, she dismissed the suspicion and returned +to the charge. + +"I know you are happy together, and it speaks well for both of you. But +we do not see you at church, Mr. Cawood. Your wife has often promised +me to beg you to go with her; if she has done so you have surely not +complied in this case." + +"No, ma'am, no, not in that; but I think she understands how to look at +it; and if she asks me to go with her, she knows that she is asking for +something she doesn't expect to get." + +"But why? I want to know why you do not go to church. There are many of +us who try to live good lives, but we are told, and we know, that this +is not enough; that we cannot save ourselves, however hard we may try, +but must go to Him who gave Himself to save us, and who bade us assemble +together to worship Him." + +"Well, ma'am, if anyone feels like that, I think he is right to go +to church. I do not object to my wife going; if it is a pleasure and +comfort to her I am glad of it. I only say, let us all have the same +liberty, and go or not just as we please." + +"We all have it, Mr. Cawood. But if you believe that there is One who +made us, and is mindful of us, you must know that it is a good thing to +obey His written word, and serve Him in the way He has told us." + +"I'm sorry I can't see my way to do as you wish. My wife has given me +all your messages, and the papers and tracts you've been so good as +to leave for me. But I haven't read them. I can't, because you see +my mind's made up about such things, and I don't see the advantage of +unmaking it again." + +Here was a stubborn man to deal with! His wife heard him quietly, as if +it were all familiar to her. Fan, on the other hand, listened with +an expression of intense interest. For this man answered not like the +others. He seemed to know his own mind, and did not instantly acquiesce +in what was said, and unhesitatingly make any promise that was asked of +him. But how had he been able to make up his mind? and what to think and +believe? That was what she wanted to know, and was waiting to hear. Mrs. +Churton, glancing round on her small audience, encountered the girl's +eager eyes fixed on her face; and she reflected that even if her words +should avail nothing so far as Cawood was concerned, their effect would +not be lost on others whose hearts were more open to instruction. She +addressed herself to her task once more, and her words were meant for +Fan and for the carpenter's wife as well as for the carpenter. + +"I think," she began, "that I can convince you that you are wrong. +There cannot be two rights about any question; and if what you think is +right--that it is useless to attend church and trouble yourself in any +way about your eternal interests--then all the rest of us must be in the +wrong. I suppose you do not deny the truth of Christianity?" + +"Since you put it in that way, I do not." + +"That makes it all the simpler for me. I know you to be an honest, +temperate man, diligent in your work, and that you do all in your power +to make your home happy. Perhaps you imagine that this is enough. It +would not be strange if you did, because it is precisely the mistake we +are all most liable to fall into. What more is wanted of us? we say; we +are not bad, like so many others; and so we are glad to put the whole +question from us, and go on in our own easy way. Everything is smooth +on the surface, and this pleasant appearance of things lulls us into +security. But it is all a delusion, a false security, as we too often +discover only when death is near. Only then we begin to see how we have +neglected our opportunities, and despised the means of grace, and lived +at enmity with God. For we have His word, which tells us that we are +born in sin, and do nothing pleasing in His sight unless we obey +Him. There is no escape from this: either He is our guide in this our +pilgrimage or He is not. And if He is our guide, then it behoves us to +reflect seriously on these things--to search the Scriptures, to worship +in public, and humbly seek instruction from our appointed teachers." + +This was only a small portion of what she said. Mrs. Churton was +experienced in talk of this kind, and once fairly started she could +run on indefinitely, like a horse cantering or a lark singing, with no +perceptible effort and without fatigue. + +"I think, ma'am, you could not have put it plainer," said the carpenter, +who had sat through it all, with eyes cast down, in an attitude of +respectful attention. "But if I can't go with you in this matter, then +probably it wouldn't interest you to know what I hold and where I go?" + +Now that was precisely what Fan wanted to know; again she looked +anxiously at Mrs. Churton, and it was a great relief when that lady +replied: + +"It will interest me very much to hear you state your views, Mr. +Cawood." + +"Thank you, ma'am. I must tell you that I've attended more churches, and +heard more good sermons, and read more books about different things, +and heard more good lectures from those who spoke both for and against +religion, than most working-men. In London it was all to be had for +nothing; and being of an inquiring turn of mind, and thinking that +something would come of it all, I used my opportunities. And what was +the result? Why nothing at all--nothing came of it. The conclusion I +arrived at was, that if I could live for a thousand years it would be +just the same--nothing would come of it; so I just made up my mind to +throw the whole thing up. I don't want you to think that I ever turned +against religion. I never did that; nor did I ever set up against those +who say that the Bible is only a mixture of history and fable. I did +something quite different, and I can't agree with you when you say that +we must be either for or against. For here am I, neither for one thing +nor the other. On one side are those who have the Bible in their hands, +and tell us that it is an inspired book--God's word; on the other side +are those who maintain that it is nothing of the sort; and when we ask +what kind of men they are, and what kind of lives do they lead, we find +that in both camps there are as good men as have ever lived, and +along with these others bad and indifferent. And when we ask where the +intelligence is, the answer is the same; it is on this side and on that. +Now my place is with neither side. I stand, so to speak, between the two +camps, at an equal distance from both. Perhaps there is reason and +truth on this side and on that; but the question is too great for me to +settle, when the wisest men can't agree about it. I have heard what they +had to say to me, and finding that I did nothing but see-saw from one +side to the other, and that I could never get to the heart of the thing, +I thought it best to give it all up, and give my mind to something +else." + +Mrs. Churton remained silent for some time, her eyes cast down. She was +thinking of her daughter, wondering if her state of mind resembled +that of this man. But no; that careless temper in the presence of great +questions and great mysteries would be impossible to one of her restless +intellect. She had chosen her side, and although she refused to speak +she doubtless cherished an active animosity against religion. + +"It grieves me to find you in this negative state," she returned, "and +I can only hope and pray that you will not always continue in it. You do +not deny the truth of Christianity, you say; but tell me, putting aside +all that men say for and against our holy faith, and the arguments that +have pulled you this way and that, is there not something in your own +soul that tells you that you are not here by chance, that there is an +Unseen Power that gave us life, and that it is good for us, even here in +this short existence, if we do that which is pleasing to Him?" + +"Yes, I feel that. It is the only guide I have, and I try my best +to follow it. But whether the Unseen Power sees us and reads all our +thoughts as Christians think, or only set things going, so to speak, is +more than I am able to say. I think we are free to do good or evil; +and if there is a future life--and I hope there is--I don't think that +anyone will be made miserable in it because he didn't know things better +than he could know them. That's the whole of my religion, Mrs. Churton, +and I don't think it a bad one, on the whole--for myself I mean; for I +don't go about preaching it, and I don't ask others to think as I do." + +With a sigh she resigned the contest; and after a few more words bade +him good-bye, and went out with the carpenter's wife into the garden. + +Fan remained standing where she had risen, some colour in her cheeks, a +smile of contentment playing about her lips. + +"Good-bye, Mr. Cawood," she said; and after a moment's hesitation held +out her hand to him. + +He looked a little surprised. "My hand is not over-clean, miss, as you +see," opening it with a comical look of regret on his face. "I've just +come in from work and haven't washed yet." + +"Oh, it's clean enough," she said with a slight laugh, putting her small +white hand into his dusty palm. + +On her way home Mrs. Churton talked a good deal to her companion. She +went over her discussion with the carpenter, repeating her own arguments +with much amplification; then passing to his, she pointed out their +weakness, and explained how that neutral state of mind is unworthy of +a rational being, and dangerous as well, since death might come +unexpectedly and give no time for repentance. + +Fan listened, readily assenting to everything; but in her heart she felt +like a bird newly escaped from captivity. That restful state she had +been hearing about, in which there was no perpetual distrust of self, +vigilance, heart-searching, wrestling in prayer, looked infinitely +attractive, and suited her disposition and humble intellect. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +A fortnight later, one hot afternoon, Fan was reading beside the open +window of the dining-room. After dinner Mrs. Churton had given her _The +Pleasures of Hope_, in a slim old octavo volume, to read, and for the +last hour she had been poring over it. Greatly did she admire it, it +was so fine, so grand; but all that thunderous roll of rhetoric--the +whiskered Pandoors and the fierce Hussars, and Freedom's shriek when +Kosciusko fell, and flights of bickering comets through illimitable +space--a kind of celestial fireworks on a stupendous scale--and all +the realms of ether wrapped in flames--all this had produced a slight +headache, a confusion or giddiness, like that which is experienced by +a person looking down over a precipice, or when carried too high in a +swing. + +Constance came down from her room with her hat on and a book in her +hand. + +"Are you going for a walk, Constance?" asked her mother, who was also +sitting by the open window. + +"Yes, only to the woods, where I can sit and read in the shade." + +Mrs. Churton glanced suspiciously at the book in her daughter's hand--a +thick volume bound in dark-green cloth. There was nothing in its +appearance to alarm anyone, but she did not like these thick green-bound +books that were never by any chance found lying about for one to see +what was in them. However, she only answered: + +"Then I wish you would persuade Fan to go with you. She is looking pale, +it strikes me." + +"I shall be glad if Fan will go," she answered, a slight accent of +surprise in her tone. + +Fan ran up to get her hat and sunshade, and when she returned to them +her pallor and headache had well-nigh vanished at the prospect of an +afternoon spent in the shady woodland paradise. Mrs. Churton, with a +prayer in her heart, watched them going away together--two lovely girls; +it made her anxious when her eyes rested on the portly green volume her +daughter carried, but it struck her as a good augury when she noticed +that the younger girl in her white dress had _The Pleasures of Hope_ in +her hand. + +For now a new thought, a hope that was very beautiful, had come into +Mrs. Churton's heart. All her life long she had had the delusion that +"spiritual pride" was her besetting sin; and against this imaginary +enemy she was perpetually fighting. And yet if some shining being had +come down to tell her that her prayers for others had been heard, that +all the worthless and vicious people she wished to carry to heaven with +her would be saved, and all of them, even the meanest, set above her +in that place where the first is last and the last first, joy at such +tidings would have slain her. She had as little spiritual pride as a +ladybird or an ant. Now the new thought had come into her mind that her +daughter would be saved; not in her way, nor by her means, but in a +way that would at the same time be a rebuke to her spiritual pride, +her impatience and bitterness of spirit, and zeal not according +to knowledge. Not she, but this young girl, herself so ignorant of +spiritual things a short time ago, would be the chosen instrument. She +remembered how the girl had taken to her from the first, but had not +taken to her daughter; how in spite of this distance between them, and +of her infidelity, her daughter had continued to love the girl--to Mrs. +Churton it was plain that she loved her--and to hunger for her love in +return. It was all providential and ordered by One + + Who moves in a mysterious way + His wonders to perform. + +"Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast Thou ordained strength," +she murmured, praising God who had put this gladness in her heart, the +Christian's and the mother's love filling her eyes with tears. Up +till now it had been her secret aim to keep the girls as much apart +as possible out of school hours; now it seemed best to let them come +together; and on this August afternoon, as we have seen, she went so far +as to encourage a greater intimacy between them. Poor woman! + +After they had entered the wood Fan began straying at short intervals +from the path to gather flowers and grasses, or to look more closely at +a butterfly at rest and sunning its open brightly-patterned wings. + +"I think I shall sit down on the grass here to read," said Constance at +length. "You can ramble about and gather flowers if you like, and you'll +know where to find me." + +They had now reached a spot to which Constance was in the habit of +resorting almost daily, where the ground was free from underwood, and +thickly carpeted with grass not yet wholly dry, and where an oak-tree +shaded a wide space with its low horizontal branches. + +Fan thanked her, and dropping her book rambled off by herself, happy in +her flower-hunting, and forgetting all about the magnificent things +she had been reading. Two or three times she returned to the spot where +Constance sat reading, with her hands full of flowers and grasses, and +after depositing them on the turf went away to gather more. Finally +she sat down on the grass, took off her hat and gloves, and set to work +arranging her spoils. This took her a long time, and after making them +up two or three times in various ways she still seemed dissatisfied. At +length she tried a fresh plan, and discarding all the red, yellow, and +purple flowers, she made a loose bunch of the blue and white only, +using only those fine open grass-spears with hair-like stems and minute +flowers that look like mist on the grass. The effect this time was +very pretty, and when she had finished her work she sat for some time +admiring it, her head a little on one side and holding the bunch well +away from her. She did not know how beautiful she herself looked at that +moment, how the blue and white flowers and misty grasses had lent, as it +were, a new grace to her form and countenance--a flower-like expression +that was sweet to see. Looking up all at once she encountered her +companion's eyes fixed earnestly on her face. It was so unexpected that +it confused her a little, and she reddened and dropped her eyes. + +"Forgive me, Fan, for watching your face," said Constance. "When I +looked at you I wondered whether it would not be best to tell you what I +was thinking of--something about you." + +"About me? Will you tell me, Miss Churton?" returned Fan, a +half-suppressed eagerness in her voice, as if this approach to +confidence had fluttered her heart with pleasure. + +"But if I tell you what was in my mind, Fan, I should have to finish by +asking you a question; and perhaps you would not like to be asked." + +"I think I can answer any question, Miss Churton, unless it is +about--how we lived at home before Miss Starbrow took me to live with +her. She wishes me not to speak of that, but to forget it." + +Constance listened with softening eyes, wondering what that sorrowful +past had been, which had left no trace on the sweet young face. + +"I know that, Fan," she replied, "and should be very sorry to question +you about such matters. It saddens me to think that your childhood was +unhappy, and if I could help you to forget that period of your life I +would gladly do so. The question I should have to ask would be about +something recent. Can you not guess what it is?" + +"No, Miss Churton--at least I don't think I can. Will you not tell me?" + +"You know that my life here is not a happy one." + +"Is it not? I am so sorry." + +"When I first saw you I imagined that it would be different, that your +coming would make me much better off. I had been wondering so much what +you were like, knowing that we should be so much together. When I at +length saw you it was with a shock of pleasure, for I saw more than I +had dared to hope. A first impression is almost infallible, I think, and +to this day I have never for a single moment doubted that the impression +I received was a right one. But I was greatly mistaken when I imagined +that in your friendship I should find compensation for the coldness of +others; for very soon you put a distance between us, as you know, and it +has lasted until now. That is what was passing through my mind a little +while ago when I watched your face; and now, Fan, can you tell me why +you took a dislike to me?" + +"Oh, Miss Churton, I have never disliked you! I like you very, very +much--I cannot say how much!" But even while this assurance sprang +spontaneously from her lips, she remembered Mary's warning words, and +her heart was secretly troubled, for that old danger which she had +ceased to fear had now unexpectedly returned. + +"Do you really like me so much, Fan?" said Constance, taking the +girl's hand and holding it against her cheek. "I have thought as much +sometimes--I have almost been sure of it. But you fear me for some +reason; you are shy and reticent when with me, and out of lesson-time +you avoid my company. You imagine that it would be wrong to love me, +or that if you cannot help liking me you must hide the feeling in your +heart." + +It startled Fan to find that her companion was so well able to read her +thoughts, but she assented unhesitatingly to what the other had said. +This approach to confidence began to seem strangely sweet to her, all +the sweeter perhaps because so perilous; and that contact of her hand +with the other's soft warm cheek gave her an exquisite pleasure. + +"And will you not tell me why you fear me?" asked Constance again. + +"I should like you to know so much ... but perhaps it would not be right +for me to say it ... I wish I knew--I wish I knew." + +"I know, Fan--I am perfectly sure that I know, and will save you the +trouble and pain of telling it. Shall I tell you? and then perhaps I +shall be able to convince you that you have no reason to be afraid of +me." + +"I wish you would," eagerly returned Fan. + +"My mother has prejudiced you against me, Fan. She imagines that if we +were intimate and friendly together my influence would be injurious, +that it would destroy the effect of the religious instruction she +gives." + +"I do not understand you," said Fan, looking unmistakably puzzled. + +"No? And yet I thought it so plain. My mother has told you that I am not +religious--in _her_ way, that is--that I am not a Christian. She does +not know really; I do not go about telling people what I believe or +disbelieve, and prefer to say nothing about religion for fear of hurting +any person's feelings. But that is not her way, and through what she has +said at the vicarage, and elsewhere about me I am now looked upon as +one to be avoided. I see you are reading _The Pleasures of Hope_. Let me +have it. Do you see this passage with pencil-marks against it, and all +the words underscored? + + "Ah me! the laurel wreath that Murder rears, + Blood-nursed, and watered by the widow's tears, + Seems not so foul, so tainted, and so dread, + As waves the nightshade round the sceptic head. + +"These words were marked for my benefit--this is what she thinks of +me--her own daughter--because I cannot agree with her in everything +she believes!" And here she flung the volume disdainfully on the grass. +"When I agreed to be your teacher I never imagined that such things +would have been put into your head. Her anxiety about your spiritual +welfare made it seem right in her eyes to do so, I suppose. But I should +not have harmed you, my dear girl, or interfered with your religion in +any way; she might have given me that much credit. When she knew how +lonely my life was, and how much your affection would have been to me, +it was unkind of her to set you also against me from the first." + +All this came as a complete surprise on her listener, who now for the +first time began to understand the reason of the estrangement of mother +and daughter. But Constance was allowed to finish her speech without +interruption. She said more than she had meant to say, but her +feelings had carried her away, and when she finished it was with a +half-suppressed sob. + +"Dear Miss Churton, I am so sorry you are unhappy," said Fan at length, +taking her hand. "I did not know you were not a Christian, nor why it +was that you and Mrs. Churton were always so cold to each other. But +it would have made no difference if I had known, because--I am not +religious." + +Constance looked at her. + +"What do you mean by that, Fan?" she said. "It is my turn now, it seems, +to say that I do not understand you." + +The other hesitated; then she remembered the carpenter's words, and +began a little doubtfully: + +"I mean that I do not think that going to church and--reading the Bible, +and praying, and all that, make any difference. I think we can be +good without that--don't you, Miss Churton? I wish I could tell you +better--it seems so hard to say it. But Mrs. Churton never said anything +to me about you--in that way--I mean about your religion." + +Constance listened to all this with the greatest surprise. That this +very simple-minded girl, impressible as soft wax as it seemed to her, +should think independently about such a subject as religion, and that +she should hold views so opposed to those which Mrs. Churton had for +several months been diligently instilling into her mind, seemed almost +incredible. The second statement was nearly as surprising, so sure had +she been that her suspicions were well-founded. "Then I have been very +unjust to my mother in this instance," she said, "and am very sorry I +spoke so warmly about older things which should be forgotten." After an +interval of silence she continued, withdrawing her hand from the other, +"I can make no further guess, Fan; and if you have any secret reason for +keeping apart from me you must forgive me for speaking to you and trying +to win your confidence." + +Fan was more distressed than ever now, and the tears started to her eyes +as she felt that the distance was once more widening between them, and +that it all depended on herself whether she was to drink from this sweet +cup or set it down again scarcely tasted. + +"I must tell you, Miss Churton," she said at length; and then, not +without much hesitation and difficulty, she explained Miss Starbrow's +views with regard to the impossibility of a woman, or of a girl like +her, loving more than one person, or having more than one friend. + +Constance gave a laugh, which, however, she quickly checked. + +"Dear Fan," she said, "does not your own heart tell you that it is all a +mistake? And if you feel that you do love me, do you not know from your +own experience, whether you hide the feeling or not, that your love for +others, and chiefly for so dear a friend as Miss Starbrow, remains just +as strong as before?" + +Fan gladly answered in the affirmative. + +"We are all liable to strange errors about different things, and Miss +Starbrow is certainly in error about this. Besides, my dear girl, +we can't always love or not love as we like; the feeling comes to us +spontaneously, like the wind that blows where it listeth. Be sure that +we are not such poor creatures that we cannot love more than one person +at a time. But Miss Starbrow is not singular in her opinion--if it is +her opinion. I have heard men say that although a man's large heart can +harbour many friendships, a woman is incapable of having more than one +friendship at any time. That is a man's opinion, and therefore it is not +strange that it should be a wrong one, since only a woman can know the +things of a woman. How strange that Miss Starbrow should have so mean an +opinion of her own sex!" + +Fan then remembered something which she imagined might throw some light +on this dark subject. "I know," she said, "that she always prefers men +to women for friends. I have heard her say that she hates women." + +Constance laughed again. + +"She does not hate herself--that is impossible; and that she did not +hate you, Fan, is very evident. Don't you think that, intimate as you +were with Miss Starbrow, you did not always quite understand her way of +speaking, that you took her words too literally? You know now that she +did not really mean it when she spoke of hating women, and perhaps she +did not really mean what she said about your being unable to love more +than one person." + +"Yes; I think you are right. I know that she does not always mean what +she says. I am sure you are right." + +"And will you be my friend then, and love me a little?" + +"You know that I love you dearly, and it makes me so happy to think that +we are friends. But tell me, dear Miss Churton--" + +"If we are really friends now you must call me Constance." + +"Oh, I shall like that best. Dear Constance, do you think when I write +to Mary that I must tell her all we have talked about?" + +"No," said the other, after a moment's reflection. "It is not necessary, +and would not be fair to me, as we have been speaking about her. But you +must be just as open about everything, as I suppose it is your nature +to be, and conceal nothing about your feelings towards others. I do not +think for a moment that you will offend her by being good friends with +your teacher." + +That assurance and advice removed the last shadow of anxiety from Fan's +mind, and after some more conversation they returned home, both feeling +very much happier than when they had started for this eventful walk. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +Mrs. Churton was quickly made aware of the now in one sense improved +relations between the girls when they returned from their walk; and with +that new hope in her heart she was not displeased to see it, although +its suddenness startled her a little. She did not know until the +following morning how great the change was. She was an early riser, and +hearing voices and laughter in the garden while dressing, she looked out +of the window, and saw the girls walking in the path, Constance with an +open book in her hand, while Fan at her side had an arm affectionately +thrown over her teacher's shoulder. It was a pretty sight, but it +troubled her; she had not expected so close a friendship as that, which +had made them rise so long before their usual time for the pleasure of +being together. If, after all, a vain hope had deluded her, then there +might be an exceedingly sad end to her experiment. With deep anxiety +and returning jealousy she reflected that the simple-minded affectionate +girl might prove as wax in the hands of her clever godless daughter. +But it was too soon to intervene and try to undo her own work. She would +watch and wait, and hope still that the infinite beauty and preciousness +of a childlike faith would touch the stony heart that nothing had +touched, and win back the wandering feet to the ways of pleasantness. + +From her watching nothing much resulted for some days, although she +soon began to suspect that Fan now wore a look of patience, almost of +weariness, whenever she was spoken to on religious subjects, that it +seemed a relief to her when the lesson was finished, and she could go +back to Constance. They were constantly together now, in and out of +doors, and the woods had become their daily haunt. And one day they met +with an adventure. Arriving about three o'clock at their favourite tree, +they saw a young man in a dark blue cycling costume lying on the grass +with his hands clasped behind his head, and gazing up into the +leafy depths above him. At the same moment he saw them, standing and +hesitating which way to turn; and in a moment he sprang to his feet. +He was a handsome young fellow, a little below the medium height, clean +shaved, with black hair and very dark blue eyes, which looked black; +his features were very fine, and his skin, although healthy-looking, +colourless. + +"I perceive that I am an intruder here," he said with a smile, and with +an admiring glance at Miss Churton's face. + +"Oh, no," she returned, with heightened colour. "This wood is free to +all; we can soon find another spot for ourselves." + +"But it is evident that you were coming to sit here," he said, still +smiling. "I suppose you have done so on former occasions, so that you +have acquired a kind of prescriptive right to this place. I am putting +it on very low grounds, you see," he added with a slight laugh, and +raising his cap was about to turn away; but just at that moment he +glanced at Fan, who had been standing a little further away, watching +his face with very great interest. He started, looked greatly surprised, +then quickly recovering his easy self-possessed manner, advanced and +held out his hand to her. "How do you do?" he said. "How strange to meet +you here! You have not forgotten me, I hope?" + +Fan had taken his hand. "Oh, no, Mr. Chance," she returned, blushing a +little, "I remember you very well." + +"I'm very glad you do. But I am ashamed to have to confess that though +I remember your Christian name very well I can't recall your surname. I +only remember that it is an uncommon one." + +"My name is Affleck. But you only saw me once, and it is not strange you +should have forgotten it." + +It was true that she had only seen him once; for in spite of the brave +words he had spoken to Miss Starbrow after she had rejected his offer +of marriage, he had never returned to her house. But Fan had heard first +and last a great deal about him, and Mary had even told her the story +of that early morning declaration, not without some scornful laughter. +Nevertheless at this distance from town it seemed very pleasant to see +him once more. It was like meeting an old acquaintance, and vividly +brought back her life in Dawson Place with Mary. + +For some minutes he stood talking to her, asking after Miss Starbrow and +herself, and saying that since he left Bayswater he had greatly missed +those delightful evenings; but while he talked to Fan he glanced +frequently at the beautiful face of her companion. Once or twice their +eyes met, and Mr. Chance, judging from what he saw that he had made +a somewhat favourable impression, in his easy way, and with a little +apology, asked Fan to introduce him. This little ceremony over, they all +sat down on the grass and spent an hour very agreeably in conversation. +He told them that he was spending a month's holiday in a bicycle ramble +through the south-west of England, and had turned aside to see the +village of Eyethorne and its woods, which he had heard were worth a +visit. From local scenery the conversation passed by an easy transition +to artistic and literary subjects; in a very short time Fan ceased to +take any part in it, and was satisfied to listen to this new kind of +duet in which harmony of mind was substituted for that of melodious +sound. With a pleased wonder, which was almost like a sense of mystery, +she followed them in this rapid interchange of thoughts about things so +remote from every-day life. They mentioned a hundred names unknown to +her--of those who had lived in ancient times and had written poems in +many languages, and of artists whose works they had never seen and could +yet describe; and in all these far-off things they seemed as deeply +interested as Mrs. Churton was in her religion, her parish work, and +her housekeeping. How curious it was to note their familiarity with an +endless variety of subjects, so that one could not say anything without +a look of quick intelligence and ready sympathy from the other! How well +they seemed to know each other's minds! They were talking familiarly as +if they had been acquainted all their lives! + +To Constance the pleasure was more real and far greater; for not only +had her unfortunate opinions concerning matters of faith separated her +from her few educated neighbours, but in that rustic and sleepy-minded +spot there were none among them, excepting the curate, who took any +interest in literary and philosophical questions. Her friends were not +the people she knew, but the authors whose works she purchased with +shillings saved out of the small quarterly allowance her mother made her +for dress. These were the people she really knew and loved, and their +thoughts were of infinitely deeper import to her than the sayings and +doings of the men and women of her little world. In such circumstances, +how pleasant it was to meet with this young stranger, engaging in his +manner and attractive in appearance, and to converse freely with him on +the subjects that constantly occupied her thoughts. There was a glow of +happy excitement on her face, her eyes shone, she laughed in a free glad +way, as Fan had never heard her laugh before; she was surprised at the +extent of her own knowledge--at that miracle of memory, when many fine +thoughts, long forgotten, and multitudes of strange facts, and glowing +passages in verse and prose, came back uncalled to her mind; and above +all she was surprised at a ready eloquence which she had never suspected +herself capable of. + +Merton Chance had often conversed with clever and beautiful women, but +this country girl surprised him with the extent of her reading, her +vivacity and wit, and quick sympathy; and the more they talked the more +he admired her. + +Then insensibly their conversation took a graver tone, and they passed +to other themes, which, to Constance at least, had a deeper and more +enduring interest. In all philosophical questions she could follow and +even go beyond him, although she didn't know it, and very soon they made +the discovery that towards the faith still professed by a large majority +of their fellow-beings their attitude was the same. Or so it appeared +to Constance. Christianity was one of the forms in which the universal +religious sentiment had found expression for a period among a large +portion of the human race. They were not agnostics, so they both +declared, and yet were contented to be called so by others, not yet +having invented a word better than this one of the materialistic +Professor Huxley to describe themselves by. They had moved onwards and +had left the creed of the Christian behind them, yet were confident that +the vast unbounded prospect before them would not always rest obscured +with clouds. But what the new thing was to be they knew not. Time would +reveal it. They were not left without something to cheer them--gleams +of a spiritual light which, although dim and transient, yet foretold the +perfect day. Like so many others among the choice spirits of the earth, +they turned their eyes this way and that, considering now the hard +and pitiless facts of biology and physics, now the new systems of +philosophy, that come like shadows and so depart, and now the vague +thoughts, or thoughts vaguely expressed, of those the careless world +calls mystics and wild-minded visionaries; and after it all they were +fain to confess that the waters have not yet abated; and that although +for them there could be no return to the ark, they were still without +any rest for the soles of their feet. + +If, instead of that young ignorant girl, their listener had been a +grey-haired disillusioned man, he would have shaken his head, and +perhaps remarked that they were a couple of foolish dreamers, that the +light which inspired such splendid hopes was a light from the past--a +dying twilight left in their souls by that sun of faith which for +them had set. But there was nothing to disturb their pleasing +self-complacency--no mocking skeleton to spoil their rare intellectual +feast. + +Merton was not yet satisfied, he wished to go more fully into these +great subjects, and pressed her with more and more searching questions. +Constance, on her side, grew more reticent, and seemed troubled in her +mind, glancing occasionally into his face; and at length, dropping her +hand on Fan's, who still listened but without understanding, she said +that for reasons which could not be stated, which he would be able to +guess, further discussion had better be deferred. + +He assented with a smile, and returning her look with quick +intelligence. The talk drifted into other channels, and at length they +all rose to their feet, but he did not go at once. He began to ask Fan +about her botanical studies, one of the subjects which Constance had +taught her. He had, he said, studied botany at school and was very +fond of it. Presently he became much interested in a plant, a creeper, +hanging from a low shrub about twenty-five or thirty yards from where +they were standing, and Fan at once started off to get a spray for him +to see. + +"I am very glad, Miss Churton, that our discussion is only to be +_deferred,"_ he said. "It has interested me more deeply than you can +imagine, and for various reasons I should be glad to go further with +it." + +She did not reply, although looking pleased at his words, and then he +continued: + +"I cannot bear to think of leaving this place without seeing you again. +I wished for one thing--please don't think me very egotistical for +saying it--to tell you about some little papers I am writing, and one +or two of which have been printed in a periodical. I think the subject +would interest you. Will you think me very bold, Miss Churton, if I ask +you to let me call on you at your home?" + +His request troubled her, and after a little hesitation she answered: + +"I shall be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Chance, and perhaps if I tell +you why I can scarcely do what you ask you will not think hardly of me. +I cannot open my lips at home on the subject we have been discussing, +and I am looked on coldly here, in my own village, on account of my +heterodox opinions. My mother would receive you well, but she would +think it wrong in me to invite a sympathiser to the house." + +"Then, Miss Churton, how lonely your life must be!" + +"You must not think more about me, Mr. Chance." + +"You are asking too much," he answered smiling, and the words brought a +blush to her cheek. "But I cannot bear to go away from Eyethorne without +seeing you once more. May I hope to meet you tomorrow in this place?" + +"I cannot promise that. But if--no, I cannot say more now." + +Fan was back with a spray of the plant, but he had somehow lost all +interest in it. That about his botany had all been pure fiction; but +it had served its purpose, and now, he regretfully remarked, his +plant-lore, he found, had completely faded from his mind. And after a +little further conversation he shook hands and left them. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + +On their way home the conversation of the girls turned chiefly on their +encounter with Mr. Chance. Constance displayed an unusual amount of +feminine curiosity, and asked a great many questions about him. Fan +had nothing to tell, for she dared not tell what she knew. It was a +peculiarity of her character, that if she knew anything to a person's +disadvantage she was anxious to conceal it, as if it had been something +reflecting on herself; apart from this, she felt that Miss Starbrow's +description of Mr. Chance would not be what Miss Churton wished to hear. +For it was plain that Constance had been favourably impressed, and had +taken Merton at his own valuation, which was a high one. While she kept +silence it troubled her to think that one who had been despised and +ridiculed by Mary should be highly esteemed by Constance, since she now +loved (or worshipped) them both in an equal degree. + +At the gate it all at once occurred to her to ask whether she should +tell Mrs. Churton about meeting Mr. Chance in the wood or not. + +"You may tell her if you like," said the other after a little +hesitation. "He is a friend of Miss Starbrow's; it was only natural that +we should talk with him." Then she added, "I shall say nothing about +it, simply because mother and I never talk about anything. You needn't +mention it unless you care to, Fan. I really don't believe that mother +would feel any interest in the subject." + +She reddened a little after speaking, knowing that she had been slightly +disingenuous. Fan understood from her face more than from her words what +she really wished. + +"Then I shall not say anything, unless Mrs. Churton asks me about our +walk, and if we met anyone," she returned. + +But nothing was asked and nothing told. + +At dinner next day Constance heard that Fan was going out with Mrs. +Churton to visit a neighbour. A bright look came into her expressive +face, followed by a swift blush, but she said nothing, and after dinner +went back to her room. As soon as the others had left the house she +began to dress for a walk, paying a great deal more attention to herself +at the glass than she was accustomed to do. Her luxuriant brown hair was +brushed out and rearranged, her artful fingers allowing three or four +small locks to escape and lie unconfined on her forehead and temples. +She studied her face very closely, thinking a great deal about that +peculiar shade of colour which she saw there. But her own face was so +familiar to her, how could she tell what another would think of it, and +whether to city eyes that brown tint would not make it look less +like the face of a Rosalind than of an Audrey? With her dress she was +altogether dissatisfied, and there was nothing to give a touch of beauty +to it but a poor flower--a half-open rose--which she pinned on her +bosom. Then she envied Fan her beautiful watch and chain, the half-score +of rings, bangles, and brooches which Miss Starbrow had given her; and +this reminded her of an ornament she possessed, an old-fashioned gold +brooch with an amethyst in it, and which in the pride of philosophy she +had looked on with a good deal of contempt. Now the rose was flung away, +and the despised jewel put in its place. Taking her book and sunshade +she finally left the house, and turned her steps towards the wood. +Scarcely had she left the gate behind before a tumult of doubts and +fears began to assail her. She was hurrying away alone to the wood, glad +to be alone, solely to meet Mr. Chance. Would he not at once divine the +reason of her strange readiness to obey his wishes? Could she in her +present agitated state, with her cheek full of hot blushes, and her +heart throbbing so that it almost choked her, hide her secret from him? +This thought frightened her and she slackened her pace, and argued that +it would be better not to go to the wood, not to run the risk of such a +self-betrayal and humiliation. But perhaps he would not come after all +to meet her, for no appointment had been made, and no promise of any +kind given--why should she be so anxious in her mind about it? It gave +her a pang to think that the meeting and conversation which had been +so important an event in her life were perhaps very little to him, that +they were perhaps fading out of his mind already, and would soon be, +like his botanical knowledge, altogether forgotten. Perhaps he was even +now on the road speeding away far from Eyethorne on his bicycle. Then +the fear that she might betray her secret was overmastered by this new +fear that she would never see him again, that he had gone out of her +life for ever; and she quickened her slow steps once more, and at last +gaining the wood, and coming to the spot where she had parted from him, +and not finding him there, her excitement left her, and she sat down +with a pang of bitter disappointment in her heart. + +But before many minutes had gone by she heard approaching footsteps, and +looking up saw him coming towards her. The tell-tale blood rushed again +to her cheeks and her heart throbbed wildly, but she bent her eyes +resolutely on her book and pretended not to see his approach. Poor girl, +so innocent of wiles! she did not know, she could not guess, that he had +been for upwards of an hour on the spot waiting for her, his heart +also agitated with hopes and fears. He had watched her coming with glad +triumphant feelings, and then, prudent and artful even in his moment of +triumph, had concealed himself from her to come on to the scene after +allowing her a little time to taste her disappointment. + +He was already standing before her and speaking, and then in a moment +the outward calm which she had been vainly striving to observe came +unexpectedly to her aid. She shook hands with him and explained why she +was alone, and then, surprised at her own new courage, she added: + +"I am glad that we have met again, Mr. Chance; I came here hoping to +meet you; our conversation yesterday gave me so much pleasure, and I +wished so much to hear about your literary work. After to-day I do not +suppose that we shall ever meet again." + +"I sincerely hope we shall!" he returned, sitting down near her. "It is +really painful to think that you should be immured in this uncongenial +place with your tastes and--advantages." + +"Please do not pity my condition, Mr. Chance. I can endure it very well +for a time, I hope; it is not my intention to stay here always, nor very +much longer, and just now I am not altogether alone, as I have Fan to +teach and for a companion." + +"She is a very charming girl," he returned; "and I must tell you that +she has improved marvellously since I last saw her. Miss Starbrow has, I +think, been singularly fortunate in having put her into your hands." + +"Thank you," said Constance, with a quick glance at his face. Then she +added, "I suppose you know Miss Starbrow very well?" + +"Yes," he returned with a slight smile, and she was curious to know +why he smiled in that meaning way, but feared to ask. "But she is your +friend, I suppose, and you know her as well as I do," he added after a +while. + +"Oh no, she is a perfect stranger to me. We only saw her once for a few +minutes when she brought Fan down to us last May." + +"How strange! But I should have thought that Miss Affleck would have +told you everything about her before now." + +"No; I never question Fan about her London life, and when left to +herself she is a very reticent girl." + +"Really!" said he, not ill-pleased at this information. "But, Miss +Churton, how very natural that you should wish to know something about +this lady!" + +She smiled without replying, but no reply was needed. He had been +studying her face, and knew that she was curious to hear what he had +to say, and this interest in Miss Starbrow, he thought, was a very new +feeling, and rose entirely out of her interest in himself. + +He told her a great deal about the lady, without altogether omitting +her little eccentricities, as he leniently called them, and her +little faults of temper; he paid a tribute to her generous, hospitable +character, only she was, he thought, just a little too hospitable, +judging from the curious specimens one met at her Wednesday evening +gatherings. But he was very good-natured, and touched lightly on the +disagreeable features in the picture, or else kindly toned them down +with a few skilful touches, producing the impression on his listener +that he did not dislike Miss Starbrow, but regarded her with a kind of +amused curiosity. And that, in fact, was precisely the impression he +had wished to make, and he was well pleased with himself when he saw how +well he had succeeded. + +Afterwards they spoke of other things, and soon came to those literary +topics in which Miss Churton took so keen an interest. They talked long +and earnestly, and Merton Chance neglected no opportunity of saying +pretty things with a subtle flattery in them at which the other was far +from being displeased. + +"You draw your mental nutriment from a distance," he said. "Being +without sympathy from those around you, you are like a person in a +diving-bell, shut in on all sides by a medium through which a current of +life-preserving oxygen comes, but dark and cold and infinitely repelling +to the spirit." + +It was true, and very pleasant to meet with appreciation. And finally, +before he left her, he had promised to send, and she had promised to +accept gratefully, some magazines containing contributions from his pen, +also some books which he wished her to read. But he did not say anything +about writing, he did not wish to show himself too eager to continue the +acquaintance which chance had brought about: in his own mind, however, +it was already settled that there was to be a correspondence. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +After Merton's departure from Eyethorne things drifted back to their old +state at Wood End House, the slight change in Constance becoming less +and less perceptible, until the time came when Fan began to think, with +a secret feeling of relief, that the visitor had after all made only a +passing impression, which was already fading out of her teacher's mind. +But by-and-by there came from London a letter and a packet of books and +periodicals for Constance, and Fan remarked the glad excitement in her +friend's face when she carried her treasures away to her room, and her +subsequent silence on the subject. And after that Constance was +again much occupied with her own thoughts, which, to judge from her +countenance, were happy ones; and Fan quickly came to the conclusion +that the books and letter were from Merton. Mrs. Churton, who knew +nothing about this new acquaintance, imagined only that her daughter had +sucked out all the impiety contained in the books she already possessed, +and had sent for a fresh supply. For, she argued, if there had been +nothing wrong in the books Constance would have allowed her to read or +see them. She made herself very unhappy over it, and was more incensed +than ever against her sinful daughter, but she said nothing, and only +showed her dissatisfaction in her cold, distrustful manner. + +Another bitterness in her cup at this period was her inability to +revive Fan's interest in sacred things, for she had begun to notice an +increasing indifference in the girl. All the religious teaching, over +which she had spent so much time and labour, seemed to have failed of +its effect. She had planted, apparently in the most promising soil, and +the vicar and the vicar's wife had watered, and God had not given the +increase. This was a new mystery which she could not understand, in +spite of much pondering over it, much praying for light, and many +conversations on the subject with her religious friends. So sweet and +good and pure-hearted and pliant a girl; but alas! alas! it was only +that ephemeral fictitious kind of goodness which springs from temper or +disposition, which has no value in the eyes of Heaven, cannot stand the +shocks of time and circumstance. It was not through any remissness of +her own; she had never ceased her efforts, yet now after many months she +was fain to confess that this young girl, who had promised such great +things, seemed further than at the beginning from that holiness which +is not of the earth, and which delights only in the contemplation of +heavenly things. She could see it now with what painful clearness! for +her eyes in such matters were preternaturally sharp, like those of a +sailor who has followed the sea all his life with regard to atmospheric +changes; no sooner would the lesson begin than all brightness would fade +from that too expressive countenance, and the girl would listen with +manifest effort, striving to keep her attention from wandering, striving +to understand and to respond; but there was no response from the heart, +and in spite of striving her thoughts, her soul, were elsewhere, and her +eyes wore a distant wistful look. And Mrs. Churton was hot-tempered; in +all the years of her self-discipline she had never been able to wring +from her heart that one drop of black blood; and sometimes when she +talked to Fan, and read and prayed with her, and noticed that impassive +look coming over her face to quench its brightness like a cloud, her old +enemy would get the best of her, and she would start up and hurriedly +leave the room without a word, lest it should betray her into passionate +expression. + +"Yes, I have also noticed this in Miss Affleck," the vicar said to her +one day when she had been speaking to him on the subject. "She seemed +at one time so docile, so teachable, so easy to be won, and now it is +impossible not to see that there is something at work neutralising all +our efforts and making her impervious to instruction. But, my dear Mrs. +Churton, we _know_ the reason of this; Miss Affleck is too young, too +ignorant and impressible not to fall completely under the influence of +your daughter." + +"But my daughter has promised me and has given me her word of honour +that nothing has been said or will be said or done to alienate her +pupil's mind from religious subjects. And we know, Mr. Long, that even +those who are without God may still be trusted to speak the truth--that +they have that natural morality written on their hearts of which St. +Paul speaks." + +"Yes, that's all very well, and I don't say for a moment that your +daughter has deliberately set herself to undo your work and win her +pupil to her own pernicious views. But is it possible for her, even if +she wished it, to conceal them altogether from one who is not only +her pupil but her intimate friend and constant companion? Her whole +life--thoughts, acts, words, and even looks--must be leavened with the +evil leaven; how can Miss Affleck live with her in that intimate way +without catching some of that spirit from her? You know that so long +as they were not thus intimate this girl was everything that could +be desired, that from the time they became close friends she began to +change, and that religion is now becoming as distasteful to her as it is +to her teacher." + +Poor woman! she had gone for comfort and counsel to her pastor, and this +was all she got. He was a good hater, and regarded Miss Churton with a +feeling that to his way of thinking was a holy one. "Do not I hate them, +O Lord, that hate Thee? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them +mine enemies." As for separating two inseparable things, the sinner and +the sin (matter and an affection of matter), and loving one and hating +the other, that was an intellectual feat altogether beyond his limited +powers, although he considered it one which Mr. Northcott might be able +to accomplish. He had made it impossible for his enemy to do any injury +in the parish; she had been dropped by Eyethorne "society," and she did +not go among the poor; but this was not enough to satisfy him, and the +sermon he had preached against her, which drove her from the church, +had been deliberately prepared with the object of driving her from the +parish. He had failed in his object, and now he was angry because he +could not separate Fan from her, and, unjust and even cruel in his +anger, he turned on the unhappy mother. + +To his words Mrs. Churton could only reply, "What can I do--what can +I do?" And as he refused to answer her, having said his last word, she +rose and went home more unhappy than ever, more angry with Fan, and +embittered against her daughter; for that the vicar had truly shown her +the reason of her failure she could not doubt. + +They were both entirely wrong, although the mistake was a very natural +one, and, in the circumstances, almost unavoidable. Constance had +scrupulously observed the compact. Nothing could be further from her +mind than any desire to win others to her way of thinking. The religious +instinct was strong in her, and could flourish without the support of +creed or doctrine; at the same time she recognised the fact that in +others--in a very large majority of persons, perhaps--it is a frail +creeping plant that trails along the ground to perish trodden in the +dust without extraneous support. + +Fan, on her side, had drifted into her present way of thinking, or not +thinking, independently of her teacher, and entirely uninfluenced by +her. At the beginning she responded readily to Mrs. Churton's motherly +teaching; but only because the teaching was motherly, and intimately +associated with those purely human feelings which were everything to +her. Afterwards when others, who were strangers and not dear to +her, began to take part in her instruction, then gradually these two +things--human and divine--separated themselves in her mind, and she +clung to the one and lost her interest in the other. It was pleasant to +go to church, to take part in singing and praying with the others, +and to sit with half-closed eyes among well-dressed people during +sermon-time, and think of other things, chiefly of Mary and Constance. +But when religion came to be more than that, it began to oppress her +like a vain show, and it was a relief to escape from all thoughts on the +subject. So low and so earthly, in one sense, was Fan's mind. While she +was in this frame that visit to the carpenter's cottage occurred, and +the carpenter's words had taken a strong hold on her and could not be +forgotten; for they fitted her case so exactly, and seemed so clearly to +express all that she had had in her mind, and all that it was necessary +for her to have, that it had the effect of making her spirit deaf to all +other and higher teachings. If she could have explained it all to Mrs. +Churton it would have been better, at all events for Constance, but she +was incapable of such a thing, even if she had possessed the courage, +and so she kept silence, although she could see that her want of +interest was distressing to her kind friend. + +Another great bitterness in Mrs. Churton's cup resulted from the conduct +of her irreclaimable husband. Even Fan, who had never regarded any +living soul with contempt, had soon enough learned to experience such +a feeling towards this man. But it was a kindly contempt, for after +repulsing him two or three times when he had attempted to conduct +himself in too fatherly a manner, he had ceased to trouble her in any +way. He was very unobtrusive in the house, except at intervals, when he +would rebel against his wife and say shocking things and screech at her. +But when cold weather came, then poor Mr. Churton took an extra amount +of alcohol for warmth, and the spirit and cold combined brought on +a variety of ailments which sometimes confined him for days to his +bedroom. At such times he would be deeply penitent, and beg his wife to +sit with him and read the Bible, which she was always ready to do. Never +again would he seek oblivion from pain in the cup that cheers, and, +alas, inebriates, or do anything to make his beloved wife grieve; thus +would he protest, kissing her hand and shedding weak tears. But as soon +as she had nursed him back into better health he would seize the +first opportunity when she was out of the way to slip off "for a +constitutional," which would invariably end at the inn in the High +Street; and in the evening he would return quarrelsome and abusive, or +else groaning and ready to take to bed again. + +Mr. Northcott, who might have melted into thin air for all we have seen +or heard of him lately, was also unhappy in his mind at this period. He +loved, and yet when it had almost seemed to him that he had not loved +in vain, partly from prudential motives and partly because his religion +stood in the way of his desire, he had refrained from speaking. Now it +seemed to him that he had let his chance go by, and that Miss Churton, +although still as friendly as any person not actually enamoured of +her could have wished, was not so sympathetic, not so near to him, as +formerly. Nevertheless, he still sought her out at every opportunity, +and engaged her in long conversations which led to nothing; for they +barely touched on the borders of those subjects which both felt most +deeply about, and that other subject which he alone felt they never +approached. His resolution had in some measure recovered its "native +hue," but too late, alas! and at length one day his vicar took him to +task about this inconvenient friendship. + +"Mr. Northcott," he said very unexpectedly at the end of a conversation +they had been having, "may I ask you whether you still hope to be able +to win back Miss Churton to a more desirable frame of mind?" + +The curate flushed a little, and glancing up encountered the suspicious +eyes of his superior fixed on him. + +"I regret that I am compelled to answer with a negative," he returned. + +"Then," said the other, "you will not take it amiss if I warn you that +your partiality for Miss Churton's society has been made the subject of +remark among the ladies in the neighbourhood. That your motives are +of the highest I do not question; at the same time, if they are +misunderstood and if your efforts are futile, it would be prudent, I +fancy, not to let it appear that you prefer this lady's company to that +of others." + +This about motives did not sound quite sincere; but the vicar was suave +in manner, stroking his curate very kindly with soft velvet hand, only +waiting for some slight movement before unsheathing the sharp hidden +claws. One word of protest and of indignant remonstrance would have been +enough; the reply was on his tongue, "Then, Mr. Northcott, I regret that +we must part company." + +But he made no movement such as the other had expected, perhaps even +desired, for we are all cruel, even the best of us--so Bain says, and +therefore it must be true. On the contrary, he took it with strange +meekness--for which he did not fail afterwards to despise himself with +his whole heart--regretting that anything had been said, and thanking +the vicar for telling him. Nevertheless he was very indignant at this +gossip of "a set of malignant old scandal-mongers," as he called the +Eyethorne ladies in his wrath, and bitterly resented the interference of +the vicar in his affairs. Only the hopeless passion that preyed on him, +which made the prospect of a total separation from Miss Churton seem +intolerable, kept him from severing his connection with Eyethorne. But +after that warning he was more circumspect, and gave the ladies, old and +young, less reason for ill-natured remarks. + +All these troubles and griefs, real and imaginary, of which they were +indirectly the cause, affected the two young friends not at all. They +did not see these things, or saw them only dimly at a distance: they +were perfectly happy in each other, and almost invariably together both +in and out of doors. The Eyethorne woods still attracted them almost +daily; for although the trees were barren of leaves and desolate, +the robin still made blithe music there, and the wren and thrush were +sometimes heard, and even the mournful cawing of the rooks, and the +weird melodies of the wind in the naked trees inspired their hearts with +a mysterious gladness. And on days when the sun shone--the February days +when winter "wears on its face a dream of spring"--they never tired +of talking about how they were going to spend their time out of doors +during the coming vernal and summer months. For that Fan would remain +another year at Eyethorne was now looked upon as practically settled, +since three-quarters of the first year had gone by and Miss Starbrow had +said no word in her letters about taking her away. They were going to +watch every opening leaf and every tender plant as it sprouted from the +soil, and Fan was to learn the names, vulgar and scientific, and the +special beauty and fragrance, and all the secrets of "every herb that +sips the dew." And the birds were also to be watched and listened to, +and the peculiar melody of each kind noted on its arrival from beyond +the sea. + +One circumstance only interfered with Fan's happiness during the winter +months. The letters she received from Mary, which came to her from +various continental addresses, were few and short, growing fewer and +shorter as time went on, and contained no allusion to many things in the +long fortnightly epistles which, the girl imagined, required an answer. +But one day, about the middle of March, when there had been no word for +about six weeks, and Fan had begun to feel a vague anxiety, a letter +came for her. It came while she was with Constance during study hours, +and taking it she ran up to her own room to enjoy it in solitude. + +Constance had also received a letter from London by the same post, and +was well pleased to be left to read it by herself; and after reading and +re-reading it, she continued sitting before the fire, the letter +still in her hand and occupied with very pleasant thoughts. At length, +glancing at the clock, she was surprised to find that half an hour had +gone by since Fan left the room, and wondering at her delay, she went to +look for her. Fan was sitting beside her bed, her cheek, wet with recent +tears, resting on her arms on the coverlid; but she did not move when +the other entered the room. + +"Fan, dearest Fan, what have you heard?" exclaimed Constance in alarm. + +For only reply the girl put a letter she was holding in her hand towards +the other, and Constance, taking it, read as follows: + + +_Brighton._ + +DEAR FAN, + +Since I wrote last I have had several letters from you, one or two since +I returned to England, but there was nothing in them calling for an +immediate reply. + +I do not wish you to answer this, or to write to me again at any time. + +After so much travelling about I feel disinclined to settle down in +London, or even in England at present, and have made up my mind to +re-let the house in Dawson Place--that is, if the present tenants should +have any wish to give it up. + +My brother and I separated some time ago, and he has gone, or is going, +to India, and will be away two or three years, as, I believe, he also +intends visiting Australia, China, and America. I am therefore quite +alone now, and shall probably go over to France for a few months, +perhaps to remain permanently abroad. + +But so far as you are concerned, it does not matter in the least whether +I go or stay, since I cannot take you back to live with me, or have +anything more to do with you. + +The clothes you have will, I dare say, last you some time longer, and +I have instructed my agent in London to send you a small sum of money +(L25) to start you with. You must in future take care of yourself, and I +suppose that with all the knowledge you have acquired from Miss Churton, +you will be able to get a situation of some kind. + +You have until the middle of next May--I forget the exact date--to +prepare for your new life; and you can mention to Mrs. Churton that my +agent will send her the money for the last quarter before your time at +Eyethorne expires. + +I suppose you do not require to be told the reason of the determination +I have come to. You cannot have forgotten the fair warning I gave you +when we parted, and you must know, Fan, if you know me at all, that when +I say a thing I distinctly mean it. + +You must take this as my very last word to you. + +MARY STARBROW. + + +"Oh, what a cruel thing to do! What a heartless letter! What a barbarous +woman!" cried Constance, tears of keenest distress starting to her eyes, +as she hastened to Fan's side, holding out her hands. + +But Fan would not be caressed; she started as if stung to her feet, her +kindling eyes and flushed cheeks showing that her grief and despondence +had all at once been swallowed up in some other feeling. + +"Give me the letter back," she demanded, holding out her hand for it, +and then, when the other hesitated, astonished at her changed manner, +snatched it from her hand, and began carefully smoothing and refolding +it, for Constance had crumpled it up in her indignation. + +"Fan, what has come over you? Are you going to quarrel with me because +that unfeeling, purse-proud, half-mad woman has treated you so badly? +Ah, poor Fan, to have been at the mercy of such a creature! I would tear +her bank-notes into shreds and send them back to her agent--" + +"Leave me!" screamed Fan at her, stamping on the floor in her rage. + +Constance stood staring at her, mute and motionless with astonishment, +so utterly unexpected was this tempest of anger, and so strange in one +who had seemed incapable of any such violent feeling. + +"Very well, Fan, I shall leave you if you wish it," she said at length +with some dignity, but in a pained voice. "I did not understand this +outburst at first. I had almost lost sight of the fact that I am in a +sense to blame for your misfortune. I regret it very bitterly, but that +is no comfort to you, and it is only natural that you should begin to +hate me now." + +"I do not hate you, Constance," said Fan, recovering her usual tone, but +still speaking with a tremor in her voice. "Why do you say that?--it is +a cruel thing to say. Do you not know that it is false? I shall never +blame you for what has happened. You are not to blame. I have lost Mary, +but she is not what you say. You do not know her--what right have you to +call her bad names? I would go away this moment and never see you again +rather than hear you talk in that way of her, much as I love you." + +This speech explained the mystery, but it astonished her as much as the +previous passionate outbreak. That the girl could be so just to her, +so free from the least trace of bitterness against her for having +indirectly caused that great unhappiness, and at the same time so keenly +resent her sympathy, which she could not easily express without +speaking indignantly of Miss Starbrow--this seemed so strange, so almost +incongruous and contradictory, that if the case had not been so sad she +would have burst into a laugh. As it was she only burst into tears, and +threw her arms round the girl's neck. + +"Darling Fan," she said, "I understand you now--at last; and shall say +nothing to wound your feelings again. But I hope--with all my heart I +hope that I shall one day meet this--meet Miss Starbrow, to have the +satisfaction of telling her--" + +"Telling her what?" exclaimed Fan, the bright resentful red returning to +her pale cheeks. + +"Of telling her what she has lost. That she never really knew you, and +what an affection you had for her." + +There was no comfort in this to Fan. Her loss--the thought that she +would never see Mary again--surged back to her heart, and turning away, +she went back to her seat and covered her face again from the other's +sight. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +After making her peace with Fan, there remained for Constance the heavy +task of informing her mother. She found her engaged with her needle in +the dining-room. + +"Mother," she began, "I have got something very unpleasant to tell you. +Miss Starbrow has written to Fan, casting her off. She tells her to +remain here until her year is up, and then to take care of herself, as +she, Miss Starbrow, will have nothing more to do with her. It is a cold, +heartless letter; and what poor Fan is to do I don't know." + +Mrs. Churton made no reply for some time, but the news disturbed her +greatly. Much as she felt for Fan, she could not help thinking also of +her own sad case; for after the last quarter had come, with no word from +Miss Starbrow, she had taken it for granted that Fan was to stay another +year with her. And the money had been a great boon, enabling her to +order her house better, and even to pay off a few old accounts, +and interest on the mortgage which weighed so heavily on her little +property. + +Constance, guessing what was passing in her mind, pitied her, but waited +without saying more for her to speak; and at length when she did speak +it was to put the question which Constance had been expecting with some +apprehension. + +"What is Miss Starbrow's reason for casting Fan off?" she said. + +The other still considered a little before replying. + +"Mother," she spoke at length, "will you read Miss Starbrow's letter +for yourself? It is not very easy to see from it what she has to quarrel +with Fan about. Her reason is perhaps only an excuse, it seems so +fantastical. You must judge for yourself." + +"I suppose you can tell me whether her quarrel with Fan--you say that +there is a quarrel--is because the girl has been taught things she +disapproves." + +"No, nothing of the kind. She writes briefly, and, as I said, +heartlessly. Not one word of affection for Fan or of regret at parting +with her, and no allusion to the subject of her studies with you or me. +Not a word of thinks to us--" + +"That I never expected," said Mrs. Churton. "I could not look for such +a thing from a person of Miss Starbrow's description. A kind word or +message from her would have surprised me very much." + +While she was speaking Fan had entered the room unnoticed. She was pale +and looked sad, but calmer now, and the traces of tears had been washed +away. Her face flushed when she heard Mrs. Churton's words, and she +advanced and stood so that they could not help seeing her. + +"Fan, I am deeply grieved to hear this," said Mrs. Churton. "I cannot +tell you, my poor child, how much I feel this trouble that has come on +you so early in life. But before I can speak fully about it I must know +something more. I am in the dark yet--Constance has not told me why +Miss Starbrow has seen fit to act in such a way. Will you let me see her +letter?" and with trembling fingers she began to wipe her glasses, which +had grown dim. + +"I am very sorry, Mrs. Churton, but I cannot show you the letter." + +They both looked at her, Constance becoming more and more convinced that +there was a strength in Fan's character which she had never suspected; +while in Mrs. Churton anxiety and sorrow for a moment gave place to a +different feeling. + +"You surprise me very much, Fan," she returned. "I understand that you +have already shown the letter to Constance." + +"Yes, but I am sorry now. I did it without thinking, and I cannot show +it again." + +"Fan, what is the meaning of this? It is only right and natural that +you should confide in me about such a serious matter; and I cannot +understand your motives in refusing to let me see a letter the contents +of which are known to my daughter." + +"Mother," said Constance, "I think I can guess her motives, which make +it painful for her to show the letter, and will explain what I think +they are. Fan, dear, will you leave us for a while, and let me tell +mother why Miss Starbrow will not take you back?" + +"You can say what you like, Constance, because I can't prevent you," +said Fan, still speaking with that decision in her tone which seemed +so strange in her. "But I said I was sorry that I let you read Mary's +letter, and if you say anything about it, it will be against my wish." + +These words, although spoken in rebuke, were a relief to Constance, for +however "fantastical" she might consider Miss Starbrow's motives to be, +she very much doubted that her mother would take the same view; and she +knew that her mother, though entitled to know the whole matter, would +never ask her to reveal a secret of Fan's. + +But Mrs. Churton had not finished yet. "Fan, dear, come to me," she +said, and putting her arm about the girl's waist, drew her to her side. +"I think I have cause to be offended with your treatment of me, but +I shall not be offended, because you are probably only doing what you +think is right. But, dear child, you must allow me to judge for you in +some things, and I am convinced that you are making a great mistake. I +have been a great deal to you during all these months that you have been +with us, and since you received this letter I have become more to you. +You must not imagine that in a little time, in another two months, we +must separate; you are too young, too weak yet to go out into the world, +to face its temptations and struggle for your own livelihood. I have +been a mother to you; look on me as a mother still, a natural protector, +whose home is your home also. It might very well be that Miss Starbrow's +motives for casting you off would be of no assistance to me in the +future--I can hardly think that they could be; for I do not believe that +she has any valid reason for treating you as she has done. Nor is it +from mere curiosity that I ask you to show me her letter; but it is best +that you should do so for various reasons, and chiefly because it will +prove that you love me, and trust me, and are willing to be guided by +me." + +The tears rose to Fan's eyes, her strange self-collected mood seemed +to be gone. "Dear Mrs. Churton," she said, with trembling voice, +"please--please don't think me ungrateful! ... You have made me so happy +... oh, what can I do to show how much I love you ... that I do trust +you?" + +The girl was conquered, so they thought, mother and daughter; and +Constance, with a little internal sigh and a twinge of shame at her +cowardice, waited to see the letter read and to save Fan the pain of +answering the searching questions which her mother would be sure to ask. + +"Dear Fan, let me see the letter," said Mrs. Churton. + +"Oh, dear Mrs. Churton, anything but that! I can't let you see it--I am +so sorry! When Constance read it and began to speak angrily of Mary, I +said to myself that no one should ever see it again." + +"Have you then destroyed it?" + +"Oh, no," she replied, involuntarily touching her bosom with her hand, +"but I cannot show it." + +"Very well, Fan, let us say no more about it," returned the other +coldly, and withdrawing her arm from the girl's waist. And after a few +moments of painful silence she rose and left the room. + +Fan looking up met her friend's eyes fixed on her face. "Do you think +Mrs. Churton is very angry with me, Constance?" she asked sadly. + +"I think that she is offended. And surprised too, I believe." Then she +came nearer and took the girl's hand. "You have surprised me a great +deal, I know. I am not yet quite sure that I understand your motives for +refusing to show the letter. Perhaps your only reason was that you would +not allow Miss Starbrow to be blamed at all--I am not questioning you. +In any case you make me feel ashamed of myself. You have made me feel +such a coward, and--it was a poor spiteful thing to say that I would +tear up the notes and send them back to the giver." + +Fan made no reply, but stood with eyes cast down as if thinking of +something else; and before long she made some excuse to go to her room, +where she spent the rest of the day shut up by herself. + +From that day a cloud rested on the ladies of Wood End House. Just when +Nature called them to rejoice, when the sun laughed at the storm, and +the blackbird fluted so loud in the orchard, and earth knew once more +the glory of flowers, this great trouble had come on Fan, dimming the +sweet visible world with a mist of tears. The poverty and toil which +she must now face meant so much to her; day and night, at all times, +the thought of it forced itself on her--the perpetual toiling for a +bare subsistence, for bread to satisfy the cravings of hunger; the mean +narrow, sordid, weary life, day after day, with no hope, no dream of +joy to come; and worse than all, the evil things which she had seen and +heard and were associated in her mind with the thought of poverty, all +the things which made her old life seem like a hideous nightmare to her! +The sunshine and flowers and the fluting of the blackbird, that would +soon flute no more for her, could not drive this care from her heart; +she was preoccupied, and silent, and sad, and Constance was sad from +pure sympathy. Mrs. Churton, although still kind and even motherly +in her manner, could not help showing that Fan's offence had not been +forgotten; yet she loved the girl so well that she could not but feel +the deepest pity for her and anxiety about her future. And she even +still hoped to win her confidence. + +"Fan," she said one evening, when bidding her good-night, "you must not +think that what passed the other day between us makes any difference +with regard to my plans about your future. What I said to you then still +holds good, and my home while I have one is your home." + +Fan knew very well that she might not accept this offer; she knew that +the Churtons were poor and burdened with debt; and that even if it had +not been so, after taking up an independent position in opposition to +Mrs. Churton, she had no right to remain a day beyond the time for which +payment had been made. All this in a faltering way she tried to explain +to her kind friend, and Mrs. Churton confessed to herself that the girl +took the right view. She made no further attempt to win her confidence +or to make her change her mind; towards both Fan and her daughter she +thereafter observed a somewhat cold and distant manner, grieving in her +own heart, yearning over them in secret, but striving to hide it all +from their eyes. + +A fortnight after the receipt of Miss Starbrow's letter, one afternoon +the girls came in from their walk, and Constance, seeing her mother at +work in the dining-room, remained standing at the door until Fan went +upstairs. Then she went inside and sat down near her mother. Mrs. +Churton glanced at her with a swift startled glance, then bent her eyes +on her work again. But her heart fluttered in her breast, for she knew +that she was about to hear some new and perhaps painful thing. + +"Mother," Constance began presently, "Fan has made up her mind to go +back to London when her time is up with us. She is going to look for a +situation." + +"A situation--what do you mean, Constance?" + +"Her own idea is that she would like best to be a shop-girl in some +large London shop." + +"Then all I can say is that it is very shocking. Does the poor child +know what it means to be a shop-girl in a great city, where she has +no home or friends, where she will associate with ignorant and +vulgar people, and worse perhaps, and be exposed to the most terrible +temptations? But what can I say, Constance, that will have the slightest +weight with either Fan or you?" + +"I should like it very much better if Fan could do something +different--if she could find some more ladylike occupation. But nothing +will move her. If she cannot get into a shop, she says that she must +be a servant, because she must earn her own living, and she will not +believe herself capable of anything higher. To be a shop-girl, or +a nursery-governess, or failing that a nursemaid, is as high as her +ambition goes; and though I am sorry that it must be so, I can't help +admiring her independence and resolution." + +"I am glad that there is anything in it all to be admired; it only makes +me sad, and just now I can say no more about it. I only hope that before +the time comes she will think better of it." + +"I have something else to say to you, mother," said Constance, after a +rather long interval of silence. "I have made up my mind to accompany +Fan to London." + +"What do you mean, Constance?" the other asked, with a tremor in her +voice. + +"To live in London, I mean. It has long been my wish, and I am surely +as well able to earn my living now as I ever shall be. When Fan goes I +shall not be needed at home any longer. And we are not happy together, +mother." + +"I know that, Constance; but you must put this idea of going to London +out of your head. I cannot consent to it--I shall never consent to it." + +"Why not, mother?" + +"Do not ask me. I cannot say--I scarcely know myself. I dare not think +of such a thing; it is too dreadful. You must not, you cannot go. Do not +speak of it again." + +The other's task was all the harder because she knew the reason of her +mother's reluctance, and understood her feeling so well--the terrible +grief which only a mother can feel at the thought of an eternal +separation from her child. She rose to her feet, but instead of going +from the room remained standing, hesitating, twisting and untwisting her +fingers together, and at length she moved to a chair close to her mother +and sat down again. + +"I must tell you something else, mother," she said. "I do not quite +belong to myself now, but to another; and if the man I have promised to +marry were to come for me to-morrow, or to send for me to go to him, I +could no longer remain with you. As it happens, we are not going to be +married soon--not for a year at least, perhaps not for two. Before that +time comes I wish to know what it is to live by my own work.... He is +a worker, working with his mind in London: I think it would be a good +preparation for my future, that it would make me a better companion for +him, if I were also to work now and be independent.... If you can only +give me a little money--enough to pay my expenses for a short time--a +few weeks in London, until I begin to make enough to keep myself!" + +"And who is this person you speak of, Constance, of whose existence I +now hear for the first time?" + +"I have been for some months in correspondence with him, but our +engagement is only recent, and that is why you have not heard of it +before. He is a clerk in the Foreign Office, and from that you will know +that he is a gentleman. He also employs his leisure time in literary +work. I can show you his photograph if you would like to see it, +mother." + +"And have you, Constance, engaged yourself to a person you have not even +seen?" + +"No, mother, I have of course seen him." + +"Where?" + +"Here, in Eyethorne. Last August, when I was walking in the woods with +Fan, we met him, and he recognised Fan, whom he had met in London at +Miss Starbrow's house, and spoke to her. We had a long conversation +on that day, and I met him again and talked with him the next day, and +after that we kept up the acquaintance by letter." + +"And you and Fan together met this man and never mentioned it to me! Let +me ask you one question more, Constance. Is this person you are engaged +to a Christian or an infidel?" + +"Mother, it is not fair to put the question in that way. You call me an +infidel, but I am not an infidel--I do not call myself one." + +"Do not let us go into hair-splitting distinctions, Constance. I ask you +again this simple question--Is he a Christian?" + +"Not in the way that you understand it. He is not a Christian." + +The other turned her face away, a little involuntary moan of pain +escaping her lips; and for the space of two or three minutes there was +silence between them, the daughter repenting that she had vainly given +her confidence, and the mother revolving all she had heard in her mind, +her grief changing gradually into the old wrath and bitterness. And at +length she spoke. + +"I don't know why you have condescended to tell me of this engagement. +Was it only to show me how utterly you put aside and despise a mother's +authority--a mother's right to be consulted before taking so important +a step? But that is the principle you have acted on all along--to ignore +and treat with silent contempt your mother's words and wishes. And you +have succeeded in making Fan as bad as yourself. I can see it all better +now. Your example, your teaching, has drawn her away from me, and I am +as little to her now as to you. She would never have entered into these +secret doings and plottings if you had not corrupted her. You have +made her what she is; take her and go where you like together, and ruin +yourself in any way that pleases you best, for I have no longer any +influence over either of you. Only do not ask me to sanction what you +do, or to give you any assistance." + +Constance rose and moved away, but before reaching the door she turned +and spoke. "Mother, I cannot pay any attention to such wild, unfounded +accusations. If I must leave home without a shilling in my purse after +teaching Fan for a year, I can only say that you are treating me with +the greatest injustice, and that a stranger would have treated me +better." Then she left the room, and for several days after no word +passed between mother and daughter. + +Nevertheless Mrs. Churton was keenly alive and deeply interested in all +that was passing around her. She noted that the hours of study were very +much shortened now, and that the girls were continually together in the +house, and from their bedroom sweepings and stray threads clinging to +their dresses, and the snipping sound of scissors, she judged that they +were busy with their preparations. Fan had gone back to her ancient but +happily not lost art of dressmaking, and was making Constance a dress +from a piece of stuff which the latter had kept by her for some time. +Mrs. Churton had continued hoping against hope, but the discovery that +this garment was being made convinced her at last that her daughter's +resolution was not to be shaken, and that the dreaded separation was +very near. + +At length one morning, just after receiving a letter from London, and +when only one week of Fan's time at Wood End House remained, she spoke +to her daughter, calling her into her own room. + +"Constance," she said, speaking in a constrained tone and with studied +words, "I fully deserved your reproach the other day. I should not have +let you go from home without a shilling in your purse. I spoke hastily, +in anger, that day, and I hope you will forgive me. Miss Starbrow's +agent has just sent the eighteen pounds for the last quarter; I cannot +do less than hand it over to you, and only wish that I had it in my +power to give you more." + +"Thank you, mother; but I would much rather that you kept part of it. I +do not require as much as that." + +"You will find it little enough--in London among strangers. We need not +speak any more about it, and you owe me no thanks. It is only right that +you should have one quarter's money of the four I have received." After +an interval of silence, and when her daughter was about to leave the +room, she continued, "Before you go, Constance, let me ask a favour of +you. If you are going away soon this will be our last conversation." + +"Our last! What favour, mother?" + +"When you go, do so without coming to say goodbye to me. I do not feel +very strong, and--would prefer it if you went away quietly without any +leave-takings." + +"If that is your wish, mother," she returned, and then remained +standing, her face full of distress. Then she moved a little nearer and +said, "Mother, if there is to be no good-bye, will you let me kiss you?" + +Mrs. Churton's lips moved but made no sound. Constance after a moment's +hesitation came nearer still, and bending forward kissed her cheek, not +in a perfunctory way, but with a lingering, loving kiss; and after the +kiss she still lingered close, so that the breath from her lips came +warm and fragrant on the other's cold pale cheek. But her mother spoke +no word, and remained cold and motionless as a statue, until with a +slight sigh and lingering step the other left the room. Scarcely had she +gone before the unhappy mother dropped on to a chair, and covering her +face with her hands began to shed tears. Why, why, she asked herself +again and again, had she not returned that loving kiss, and clasped +her lost daughter once more to her heart? Too late! too late! She had +restrained her heart and made herself cold as stone, and now that last +caress, that sweet consolation was lost for ever! Ah, if her cold cheek +might keep for all the remaining days of her life the sensation of those +warm caressing lips, of that warm sweet breath! But her bitter tears +of regret were in vain; that dread eternal parting was now practically +over, and out of the infinite depths of her love no last tender word had +risen to her lips! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +In London once more! It was Fan's birth-place, the home she had known +continuously up till one short year ago; yet now on her return how +strange, how foreign to her soul, how even repelling it seemed! The +change had come so unexpectedly and in such unhappy circumstances, and +the contrast was so great to that peaceful country life and all its +surroundings, which had corresponded so perfectly with her nature. To +Constance, who knew little of London except from reading, the contrast +seemed equally great, but it affected her in a different and much +pleasanter way. To Fan town and town-life could be repelling because, +owing to her past experiences, and to something in her mental character, +she was able vividly to realise her present position. Even when the +brilliant May sun shone on her, and the streets and parks were thronged +with fashionable pleasure-seekers, and London looked not unbeautiful, +she realised it. For all that made town-life pleasant and desirable was +now beyond her reach. It was sweet when Mary loved her and gave her a +home; but in all this vast world of London there was no second Mary +who would find her and take her to her heart. Now she might sink into +a state of utter destitution, and she would be powerless to win help or +sympathy, or even a hearing, from any one of the countless thousands of +fellow-creatures that would pass her in the streets, all engrossed with +their own affairs, so accustomed to the sight of want and suffering that +it affected them not at all. To find some work which she might be able +to do, and for which the payment would be sufficient to provide her +with food, clothing, and shelter, was the most she could hope. She could +dream of no wonderful second deliverance in the long years of humble +patient drudgery that awaited her--no impossible good fortune passing +over the heads of thousands as deserving as herself to light on hers and +give a new joy and glory to her life. + +To Constance, with her more vigorous intellect and ardent imagination, +no such dreary prospect could present itself. The thunderous noise +and shifting panorama of the streets, the interminable desert of brick +houses, and even the smoke-laden atmosphere only served to exhilarate +her mind. These things continually reminded her that she was now where +she had long wished to be, in the great intellectual laboratory, where +thousands of men and women once as unknown and poor as herself had made +a reputation. Not without great labour and pains certainly; but what +others had done she could do; and with health and energy, and a bundle +of carefully-prepared manuscripts in her box to begin with, she could +feel no serious anxiety about the future. + +During their second day in town they managed after much searching to +find cheap furnished apartments--a bed and small sitting-room--on the +second floor of a house in a monotonous street of yellow brick houses in +the monotonous yellow brick wilderness of West Kensington. Their search +for rooms would not have occupied them very long if Constance had been +as easily satisfied as her companion; but although in most of the places +they visited she found the bedrooms "good enough," wretched as they were +compared with her own fragrant and spotless bower at Wood End House, she +was not so readily pleased with the sitting-room. That, at all events, +must not wear so mean and dingy a look as one usually has to put up with +when the rent is only ten shillings a week; and beyond that sum they +were determined not to go. The reason of this fastidiousness about +a sitting-room presently appeared. Fan was told the secret of the +engagement with Merton Chance; also that Merton was now for the first +time about to be informed of the step Constance had taken without first +consulting him, and asked to visit her at her lodgings. Constance felt +just a little hurt at the way her news was received, for Fan said little +and seemed unsympathetic, almost as if her friend's happiness had been a +matter of indifference to her. + +Next day, after moving into their new quarters, Constance wrote her +letter, addressing it to the Foreign Office, posting it herself in the +nearest pillar-box, and then settled herself down to wait the result. It +was weary waiting, she found, when the next morning's post brought her +no answer, and when the whole day passed and no Merton came, and no +message. She was restless and anxious, and in a feverish state of +anxiety, fearing she knew not what; but outwardly she bore herself +calmly; and remembering with some resentment still how little her +engagement had seemed to rejoice her friend, she proudly held her peace. +But she would not leave the house, for the lover might come at any +moment, and it would not do to be out of the way when he arrived. She +remained indoors, pretending to be much occupied with her writing, while +Fan went out for long walks alone. The next day passed in like manner, +the two friends less in harmony and less together than ever; and when +still another morning came and brought no letter, Fan began to feel +extremely unhappy in her mind, for now the long-continued strain was +beginning to tell on her friend, robbing her cheeks of their rich +colour, and filling her hazel eyes with a great unexpressed trouble. +But on that day about three o'clock, while Constance sat at her window, +which commanded a view of the street, she saw a hansom-cab arrive at the +door, and the welcome form of her lover spring rapidly out and run up +the steps. He had come to her at last! But why had he left her so +long to suffer? She heard his steps bounding up the stairs, and stood +trembling with excitement, her hand pressed to her wildly-beating heart. +One glance at his face was enough to show her that her fears had been +idle, that her lover's heart had not changed towards her; the next +moment she was in his arms, feeling for the first time his kisses on her +lips. After the excitement of meeting was over, explanations followed, +and Merton informed her that he had only just received her letter, +and greatly blamed himself for not having sent her his new address +immediately after having left the Foreign Office. + +"Left the Foreign Office! Do you mean for good?" asked Constance in a +kind of dismay. + +"I hope for good," he replied, smiling at her serious face. "The +uncongenial work I had to do there has chafed me for a long time. It +interfered with the real and serious business of my life, and I threw +it up with a light heart. I must be absolutely free and master of my own +time before I can do, and do well, the work for which I am fitted." + +"But, dear Merton, you told me that your work was so light there, and +that the salary you had relieved you from all anxiety, and left you free +to follow the bent of your own mind in literary work." + +"Did I? That was one of my foolish speeches then. However light any work +may be, if it occupies you during the best hours of the day, it must to +some extent take the freshness out of you. And to look at the matter in +a practical way, I consider that I am a great gainer, since by resigning +a salary of L250 a year I put myself in a position to make five hundred. +I hope before very long to make a thousand." + +His news had given a considerable shock to Constance, but he seemed so +confident of success, laughing gaily at her doubts, that in a little +while he succeeded in raising her spirits, and she began to believe +that this exceedingly clever young man had really done a wise thing in +throwing up an appointment which would have secured him against actual +want for the whole term of his life. + +After a while she ventured to speak of her own plans and hopes. He +listened with a slight smile. + +"I have not the slightest doubt that you could make your living in that +way," he said; "for how many do it who are not nearly so gifted as you +are! But, Connie, if I understand you rightly, you wish to begin making +money at once, and that is scarcely possible, as you have not been +doggedly working away for years to make yourself known and useful to +editors and publishers." + +He then went very fully into this question, and concluded with a comical +description of the magazine editor as a very unhappy spider, against +whose huge geometric web there beats a continuous rain of dipterous +insects of every known variety, besides innumerable nondescripts. The +poor spider, unable to eat and digest more than about half a dozen to a +dozen flies every month, was forced to spend his whole time cutting and +dropping his useless captures from the web. As a rule Merton did not +talk in this strain: the editors had cut away too many of his own +nondescript dipterous contributions to their webs for him to love them; +but for some mysterious reason it suited him just now to take the side +of the enemy in the old quarrel of author _versus_ editor. + +"Do you think then that I have made a mistake in coming to London?" she +asked despondingly. + +He smiled and drew her closer to him. "Connie, dear, I am exceedingly +glad you did come, for there is no going back, you say; and now that you +are here there is only one thing to do to smooth the path for us, and +that is--to consent to marry me at once." + +This did not accord with her wishes at all. To consent would be to +confess herself beaten, and that dream of coming to London and keeping +herself, for a time at all events, by means of her own work, had been +so long and so fondly cherished, and she wished so much to be allowed to +make the trial. But he pleaded so eloquently that in the end he overcame +her reluctance. + +"I will promise to do what you wish," she said, "if after you have +thought it over for a few days you should still continue in the same +mind. But, Merton, I hope you will not think me too careful and anxious +if I ask you whether it does not seem imprudent, when you have just +given up your salary and are only beginning to work at something +different, to marry a penniless girl? You have told me that you have no +money, and that you cannot look to your relations for any assistance." + +"By no money I simply meant no fortune. Of course we could not get +married without funds, and just now I have a couple of hundreds standing +to my credit in the bank. If we are careful, and content to begin +married life in apartments, we need not spend any more than I am +spending now by myself." + +He omitted to say that this money was all that was left of a legacy of +L500 which had come to him from an aunt, and that he had been spending +it pretty freely. His words only gave the impression that he knew the +value of money, and was not one to act without careful consideration. + +They were still discussing this point when Fan came in, and after +shaking hands with their visitor sat down in her hat and jacket. Merton, +after expressing his regret that she had lost her protectress, proceeded +to make some remarks about Miss Starbrow's eccentric temper. Nothing +which that lady did, he said, surprised him in the least. Fan sat with +eyes cast down; she looked pale and fatigued, and her face clouded at +his words; then murmuring some excuse, she rose and went to her bedroom. + +"I must warn you, Merton," said Constance, "that Fan can't endure to +hear anything said in dispraise of Miss Starbrow. I have discovered that +it is the one subject about which she is capable of losing her temper +and quarrelling with her best friend." + +"Is that so?" he returned, laughingly. "Then she must be as eccentric +as Miss Starbrow herself. But what does the poor girl intend doing--she +must do something to live, I suppose?" + +Constance told him all about Fan's projects. "Why do you smile?" she +said. "You do not approve, I suppose?" + +"You are mistaken, Connie. I neither approve nor disapprove. She does +not ask us to shape her future life for her, and we owe her thanks for +that." + +"Yes, but still you are a little shocked that she has not set her mind +on something a little higher." + +"Not at all. On the contrary. It is really disgusting to find how many +there are who take 'Excelsior' for their motto. In a vast majority of +cases they get killed by falling over a precipice, or smothered in +the snow, or crawl back to the lower levels to go through life as +frost-bitten, crippled, pitiful objects. You can see scores of these +would-be climbers any day in the streets of London, and know them by +their faces. If you are not a real Whymper it is better not to be in +the crowd of foolish beings who imagine themselves Whympers, but to rest +content, like Fan, in the valley below. I am very glad not to be asked +for advice, but if you ask my opinion I can say, judging from what +I have seen of Fan, that I believe she has made a wise choice. Her +capabilities and appearance would make her a very nice shop-girl." + +"Oh, you have too poor an opinion of her!" exclaimed Constance. +Nevertheless she could not help thinking that he was perhaps right. It +was very pleasant to listen to him, this eloquent lover of hers, to see +how + + With a Reaumur's skill his curious mind + Classed the insect tribes of human kind. + +It was impossible to doubt that _he_, at any rate, would know very well +where to set his foot on those perilous heights to which he aspired. + +Later in the evening the lovers went out for a walk, from which +Constance came home looking very bright and happy. The girls slept +together, and after going to bed that night there was a curious +little scene between them, in which Fan's part was a very passive +one. "Darling, we have talked so little since we have been here," said +Constance, putting her arm round her friend, "and now I have got so many +things to say to you." And as Fan seemed anxious to hear her story, +she began to talk first about Merton's wish for an early marriage, but +before long she discovered that her companion had fallen asleep. Then +she withdrew her arm and turned away disgusted, all the story of her +happiness untold. "I verily believe," she said to herself, "that I have +credited Fan with a great deal more sensibility than she possesses. To +drop asleep like a plough-boy the moment I begin to talk to her--how +little she cares about my affairs! I think Merton must be right in what +he said about her. She is very keen and wideawake about her shop, and +seems to think and care for nothing else." Much more she thought in her +vexation, and then glanced back at the face at her side, so white and +pure and still, framed in its unbound golden hair, so peaceful and +yet with a shade of sadness mingling with its peacefulness; and having +looked, she could not withdraw her eyes. "How beautiful she looks," +said Constance, relenting a little. And then, "Poor child, she must have +overtired herself to-day.... And perhaps it is not strange that she has +shown herself so cold about my engagement. She thinks that Merton is +taking me away from her. She is grieving secretly at the thought of +losing me, as she lost her bitter, cruel-hearted Mary. Oh, dearest, I am +not so fantastical as that woman, and you shall never lose me. Married +or single, rich or poor, and wherever you may be, in or out of a shop, +my soul shall cleave to you as it did at Eyethorne, and I shall love +you as I love no other woman--always, always." And bending she lightly +kissed the still white face; but Fan slept soundly and the light kiss +disturbed her not. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +The next few days were devoted to sightseeing under Merton's guidance, +and a better-informed cicerone they could not well have had. The little +cloud between the girls had quite passed away; and Fan, who was not +always abnormally drowsy after dark, listened to her friend's story and +entered into all her plans. Then a visit to the National Gallery was +arranged for a day when Merton would only have a few hours of the +afternoon to spare: he was now devoting his energies to the business of +climbing. At three o'clock they were to meet at Piccadilly Circus, but +the girls were early on the scene, as they wished to have an hour +first in Regent Street. To unaccustomed country eyes the art treasures +displayed in the shop-windows there are as much to be admired as the +canvases in Trafalgar Square. They passed a large drapery establishment +with swinging doors standing open, and the sight of the rich interior +seemed to have a fascinating effect on Fan. She lingered behind her +companion, gazing wistfully in--a poor, empty-handed peri at the gates +of Paradise. Long room succeeded long room, until they appeared to melt +away in the dim distance; the floors were covered with a soft carpet of +a dull green tint, and here and there were polished red counters, and on +every side were displayed dresses and mantles artistically arranged, and +textures of all kinds and in all soft beautiful colours. Within a few +ladies were visible, moving about, or seated; but it was the hour of +luncheon, when little shopping was done, and the young ladies of the +establishment, the assistants, seemed to have little to occupy them. +They were very fine-looking girls, all dressed alike in black, but their +dresses were better in cut and material than shop-girls usually wear, +even in the most fashionable establishments. At length Fan withdrew her +longing eyes, and turned away, remarking with a sigh, "Oh, how I should +like to be in such a place!" + +"Should you?" said Constance. "Well, let's go in and ask if there is a +vacancy. You must make a beginning, you know." + +"But, Constance, we can't do that! I don't know how to begin, but I'm +sure you can't get a place by going into a grand shop and asking in that +way." + +"Possibly not; but there's no harm in asking. Come, and I'll be +spokesman, and take all the dreadful consequences on my own head. Come, +Fan." + +And in she walked, boldly enough, and after a moment's hesitation the +other followed. When they had proceeded a dozen or twenty steps a young +man, a shop-walker, came treading softly to them, and with profoundest +respect in his manner, and in a voice trained to speak so low that at +a distance of about twenty-five inches it would have been inaudible, +begged to know to which department he could have the pleasure of +directing them. He was a very good-looking, or perhaps it would be more +correct to say a very _beautiful_ young man, with raven-black hair, +glossy and curled, and parted down the middle of his shapely head, and +a beautiful small moustache to match. His eyes were also dark and fine, +and all his features regular. His figure was as perfect as his face; +many a wealthy man, made ugly by that mocker Nature, would have gladly +given half his inheritance in exchange for such a physique; and his coat +of finest cloth fitted him to perfection, and had evidently been +built by some tailor as celebrated for his coats as Morris for his +wall-papers, and Leighton for his pictures of ethereal women. + +Constance, a little surprised at being obsequiously addressed by +so exquisite a person, stated the object of their visit. He looked +surprised, and, losing his obsequiousness, replied that he was not aware +that an assistant had been advertised for. She explained that they had +seen no advertisement, but had merely come in to inquire, as her friend +wished to get a situation in a shop. He smiled at her innocence--he even +smiled superciliously--and, with no deference left in his manner, told +them shortly that they had made a great mistake, and was about to show +them out, when, wonderful to relate, all at once a great change came +over his beautiful countenance, and he stood rooted to the spot, +cringing, confused, crimson to the roots of his raven ringlets. His +sudden collapse had been caused by the sight of a pair of cold, keen +grey eyes, with an expression almost ferocious in them, fixed on his +face. They belonged to an elderly man with a short grizzly beard and +podgy nose; a short, square, ugly man, who had drawn near unperceived +with cat-like steps, and was attentively listening to the shop-walker's +words, and marking his manner. He was the manager. + +"I am sorry I made a mistake," said Constance a little stiffly, and +turned to go. + +The young man made no reply. The manager, still keeping his basilisk +eyes on him, nodded sharply, as if to say, "Go and have your head taken +off." Then he turned to the girls. + +"One moment, young ladies," he said. "Kindly step this way, and let me +know just what you want." + +They followed him into a small private office, where he placed chairs +for them, and then allowed Constance to repeat what he had already +heard, and to add a few particulars about Fan's history. He appeared to +be paying but little attention to what she said; while she spoke he was +keenly studying their faces--first hers, then Fan's. + +"There is no vacancy at present," he replied at length. "Besides, when +there is one, which is not often, we usually have the names of several +applicants who are only waiting to be engaged by us. We have always +plenty to choose from, and of course select the one that offers the +greatest advantages--experience, for instance; and you say that your +friend has no experience. The fact is," he continued, expanding still +more, "our house is so well known that scores of young ladies would +be glad at any moment to throw up the places they have in other +establishments to be taken on here." + +Constance rose from her seat. + +"It was hardly necessary," she said, with some dignity, "to bring us +into your private office to tell us all this, since we already knew that +we had made a mistake in coming." + +"Wait a minute," he returned, with a grim smile. "Please sit down again. +I understand that it is for your friend and not for yourself. Well, +I find it hard to say--" and here with keenly critical eyes he looked +first at her, then at Fan, making little nods and motions with his head, +and moving his lips as if very earnestly talking to himself. "All I can +say is this," he continued, "if this young lady is willing to come for a +month without pay to learn the business, and afterwards, should she suit +us, to remain at a salary of eighteen shillings a week and her board for +the first six months, why, then I might be willing to engage her. You +can give a reference, I suppose?" + +Both girls were fairly astonished at the sudden turn the affair had +taken, and could scarcely credit their own senses, so illogically did +this keen grim man seem to act. They did not know his motive. + +Not to make a secret of a very simple matter, he thought a great deal +more than most men in his way of life about personal appearance. He made +it an object to have only assistants with fine figures and pretty faces, +with the added advantage of a pleasing manner. When he discovered that +these two young ladies with graceful figures and refined, beautiful +faces had not come into the shop to purchase anything, but in quest of +an engagement for one of them, he instantly resolved not to let slip so +good an opportunity of adding to his collection of fair women. It was +not that he had any soft spot in his heart with regard to pretty women: +so long as his assistants did their duty, he treated them all with +the strictest impartiality, blonde or brunette, grave or gay, and was +somewhat stern in his manner towards them, and had an eagle's eye to +detect their faults, which were never allowed to go unpunished. He +worshipped nothing but his shop, and he had pretty girls in it for the +same reason that he had Adonises for shop-walkers, artistically-dressed +windows, and an aristocratic-looking old commissionaire at the +door--namely, to make it more attractive. + +It is true that some great dames, with thin lips, oblique noses, green +complexions, and clay-coloured eyes, hate to be served by a damsel +wearing that effulgent unbought crown of beauty which makes all other +crowns seem such pitiful tinsel gewgaws to the sick soul. That was one +disadvantage, but it was greatly overweighed by a general preference +for beauty over ugliness. The flower-girl with beautiful eyes stands +a better chance than her squinting sister of selling a penny bunch of +violets to the next passer-by. If a girl ceased to look ornamental, +however intelligent or trustworthy she might be, he got rid of her at +once without scruple. His seeming hesitation when he spoke to the girls +before making his offer was due simply to the fact that he was mentally +occupied in comparing them together. Both so perfect in figure, face, +manner--which would he have taken if he had had the choice given him? + +For some moments he half regretted that it was not the more developed, +richer-coloured girl with the bronzed tresses who had aspired to join +his staff. Then he shook his head: that exquisite brown tint would not +last for ever in the shade, and the bearing was also just a shade too +proud. He considered the other, with the slimmer figure, the far more +delicate skin, the more eloquent eyes, and he concluded that he had got +the best of the pair. + +"I should so like to come," said Fan, for they were both waiting for her +to speak, "but am afraid that I can give no reference." + +"Oh, Fan, surely you can!" said the other. + +"I have no friend but you, Constance; I could not write to Mary now." + +The other considered a little. + +"Oh, yes; there is Mr. Northcott," she said, then turning to the manager +asked, "Will the name of a clergyman in the country place where Miss +Affleck has spent the last year be sufficient?" + +"Yes, that will do very well," he said, giving her pencil and paper to +write the name and address. Then he asked a few questions about Fan's +attainments, and seemed pleased to hear that she had learnt dressmaking +and embroidery. "So much the better," he said. "You can come to-morrow +to receive instructions about your dress, and to hear when your +attendance will begin. The hours are from half-past eight to half-past +six. Saturdays we close at two. You have breakfast when you come in, +dinner at twelve or one, tea at four. You must find your own lodgings, +and it will be better not to get them too far away." + +"May I ask you not to write about Miss Affleck until to-morrow?" +Constance said. "I must write to-day first to Mr. Northcott to inform +him. He will be a little surprised, I suppose, that Miss Affleck is +going into a shop, but he will tell you all about her disposition, +and"--with a pause and a hot blush--"her respectability." + +He smiled again grimly. + +"I have no doubt that Miss Affleck is a lady by birth," he said. "But +do not run away with the idea that she is doing anything peculiar. There +are several daughters of gentlemen in our house, as she will probably +discover when she comes to associate with them." + +"I am glad," said Constance, rising to go. + +He was turning the paper with the address on in his hand. "You need not +trouble to write to this gentleman," he said. "I shall not write to +him. If you are fairly intelligent, Miss Affleck, and anxious to do your +best, you will do very well, I dare say. References are of little use +to me; I prefer to use my own judgment. But you must understand clearly +that for every dereliction there is a fine, which is deducted from the +salary. A printed copy of the rules will be given you. And you may be +discharged at a moment's notice at any time." + +"Only for some grave fault, I suppose?" said Constance. + +"Not necessarily," he returned. + +"That seems hard." + +"I do not trouble myself about that. The business is of more consequence +than any individual in it," he replied; and then walked to the door with +them and bowed them out with some ceremony. + +For the rest of the day Fan was in a state of bewilderment at her own +great good fortune; for this engagement meant so much to her. That +horrible phantom, the fear of abject poverty, would follow her no more. +With L20 in hand and all Mary's presents, and eighteen shillings a week +in prospect, she considered herself rich; and with her evenings, her +Sundays and holidays to spend how she liked, and Constance always near, +how happy she would be! But why, when crowds of experienced girls were +waiting and anxiously wishing to get into this establishment, had she, +utterly ignorant of business, been taken in this sudden off-hand way? It +was a mystery to her, and a mystery also to the clever Constance, and to +the still more clever Merton when he was told about it. Unknowingly +she had submitted herself to a competitive examination in which useless +knowledge was not considered, and in which those who possessed pretty +faces and fine figures scored the most marks. After this she was +scarcely in the right frame to appreciate the works of art they went on +to see. That long interior in Regent Street, with its costly goods and +pretty elegantly-dressed girls, and perfumed glossy shop-walker, and +ugly bristling fierce-eyed manager, continually floated before +her mental vision, even when she looked on the most celebrated +canvases--even on those painted by Turner. + +These same celebrated pieces startled Constance somewhat, although she +had come prepared by a childlike faith in Ruskin's infallibility to +worship them. She was, however, too frank to attempt to conceal her real +impressions, and then Merton consolingly informed her that no person +could appreciate a Turner before seeing it many times. One's first +impression is, that over this canvas the artist has dashed a bucket of +soap-suds, and over that a pot of red and yellow ochre. Well, after all, +what was a snowstorm but a bucket of soap-suds on a big scale! Call it +suds, a mad smudge, anything you like, but it was a miracle of art all +the same if it produced the effect aimed at, and gave one some idea of +that darkness and whiteness, and rush and mad mingling of elements, and +sublime confusion of nature. + +"But my trouble is," objected Constance, "that, the effect does _not_ +seem right--that it is not really like nature." + +"No, certainly not. Nature is nature, and you cannot create another +nature in imitation of it, any more than you can comprehend infinity. +This is only art, the highest thing, in this particular direction, which +the poor little creature man has been able to attain. You have doubtless +heard the story of the old lady who said to the painter of these scenes, +'Oh, Mr. Turner, I never saw such lights and colours in nature as you +paint!' 'No, don't you wish you could?' replied the artist. Now the old +lady was perfectly right. You cannot put white quivering tropical heat +on a canvas, but Turner dashes unnatural vermilion over his scene and +the picture is not ridiculous; the effect of noonday heat is somehow +produced. Look at those sunsets! In one sense they are failures, every +one of them; but what a splendid audacity the man had, and what a +genius, to attempt to portray nature in those special moments when it +shines with a glory that seems unearthly, and not to have failed +more signally! Failures they are, but nobler works than other men's +successes. You are perfectly right, Connie, but when you look at a great +picture do not forget to remember that art is long and life short. That +is what the old lady didn't know, and what Turner should have told her +instead of making that contemptuous speech." + +Constance was comforted, and continued to listen delightedly as he +led them from room to room, pointing out the most famous pictures and +expatiating on their beauties. + +From the Gallery they went to Marshall's in the Strand and drank tea; +then Merton put them in an Underground train at Charing Cross and said +goodbye, being prevented by an engagement from seeing them home. He had +put them into a compartment of a first-class carriage which was empty, +but after the train had started the door was opened, and in jumped two +young gentlemen, almost tumbling against the girls in their hurry. + +"Just saved it!" exclaimed one, throwing himself with a laugh into the +seat. + +"It was a close shave," said the other. "Did you see that young fellow +standing near the edge of the platform? I caught him on the side and +sent him spinning like a top." + +"Why, that was Chance--didn't you know him? I was in too much of a hurry +even to give the poor devil a nod." + +"Good gracious, was that Chance--that madman that threw up his clerkship +at the F.O.!" + +"No, he didn't," his friend replied. "That's what _he_ says, but the +truth is he got mixed up in a disreputable affair and had to resign. No +doubt he has been going to the 'demnition bow-bows,' as Mr. Mantalini +says, but he wasn't so mad as to throw away his bread just to have the +pleasure of starving. He hasn't a ha'penny." + +"Well, _I_ don't care," said the other with a laugh, and then went on to +talk of other things. + +During this colloquy Fan had glanced frequently at her companion, but +Constance, who had grown deathly pale, kept her face averted and her +eyes fixed on the window, as if some wide prospect, and not the rayless +darkness of the tunnel, had been before them. From their station they +walked rapidly and in silence home, and when inside, Constance spoke for +the first time, and in a tone of studied indifference. + +"So much going about has given me a headache, Fan," she said. "I shall +lie down in my room and have a little sleep, and don't call me, please, +when you have supper. I am sorry to leave you alone all the evening, +but you will have something pleasant to think about as you have been so +successful to-day." + +She was about to move away, when Fan came to her side and caught her +hand. + +"Don't go just yet, dear Constance," she said. "Why do you try to--shut +me out of your heart? Oh, if you knew how much--how very much I feel for +you!" + +"What about?" said the other a little sharply, and drawing herself back. + +"What about! We are both thinking of the same thing." + +"Yes, very likely, but what of that? Is it such a great thing that you +need to distress yourself so much about it?" + +"How can I help being distressed at such a thing; it has changed +everything, and will make you so unhappy. You know that you can't marry +Mr. Chance now after he has deceived you in that way." + +"Can't marry Mr. Chance!" exclaimed Constance, putting her friend from +her. "Do you imagine that the wretched malicious gossip of those two men +in the train will have the slightest effect on me! What a mistake you +are making!" + +"But you know it is true," returned Fan with strange simplicity; and +this imprudent speech quickly brought on her a tempest of anger. When +the heart is burdened with a great anguish which cannot be expressed +there is nothing like a burst of passion to relieve it. Tear-shedding is +a weak ineffectual remedy compared with this burning counter-irritant of +the mind. + +"I do not know that it is true!" she exclaimed. "What right have you to +say such a thing, as if you knew Merton so well, and had weighed him in +an infallible balance and found him wanting! I have heard nothing but +malicious tittle-tattle, a falsehood beneath contempt, set afloat by +some enemy of Merton's. If I could have thought it true for one moment I +should never cease to despise myself. Have you forgotten how you blazed +out against me for speaking my mind about Miss Starbrow when she cast +you off? Yet you did not know her as I know Merton, and how paltry a +thing is the feeling you have for her compared with that which I have +for my future husband! What does it matter to me what they said?--I know +him better. But you have been prejudiced against him from the beginning, +for no other reason but because I loved him. Nothing but selfishness was +at the bottom of that feeling. You imagined that marriage would put an +end to our friendship, and thought nothing about my happiness, but only +of your own." + +"Do you believe that of me, Constance?" said Fan, greatly distressed. +"Ah, I remember when we had that trouble about Mary's letter at +Eyethorne, you said that you had not known me until that day. You do not +know me now if you think that your happiness is nothing to me--if you +think that it is less to me than my own." + +Her words, her look, the tone of her voice touched Constance to the +heart. + +"Oh, Fan, why then do you provoke me to say harsh things?" and then, +turning aside, burst into a passion of weeping and sobs which shook +her whole frame. But when the sobs were exhausted she recovered her +serenity: those violent remedies--anger and tears--had not failed of +their beneficent effect on her mind. + +On the following day she seemed even cheerful, as if the whole painful +matter had been forgotten. Merton, at all events, seemed to detect no +change in her when he came to take her to the park in the afternoon. +Only to Fan there appeared a shadow in the clear hazel eyes, and a note +of trouble in the voice which had not been there before. + +In a short time after this incident Fan was taken into the great Regent +Street establishment, and had her mind very fully occupied with her new +duties. One afternoon at the end of her first week the manager came up +and spoke to her. + +"Are you living with friends?" he said. + +"I am living with Miss Churton--the lady who came here with me," she +replied. "But she is going to be married soon, and I must find another +place nearer Regent Street." + +"Ah, this then will perhaps be a help to you," and he handed her a +card. "That is the address of a woman who keeps a very quiet respectable +lodging-house. We have known her for years, and if she has a vacancy you +could not do better than go to her." + +She thanked him, and took the card gladly. That little act of +thoughtfulness made her feel very happy, and believe that he had a kind +heart in spite of his stern despotic manner. To continue in that belief, +however, required faith on her part, which is the evidence of things not +seen, for he did not go out of his way again to show her any kindness. + +Next day being Sunday, the girls were able to go together to see the +lodging-house, which was in Charlotte Street in Marylebone, and found +the landlady, Mrs. Grierson, a very fat and good-tempered woman. She +took them to the top floor to show the only vacant room she had; it was +fairly large for a top room, and plainly and decently furnished, and +the rent asked was six-and-sixpence a week. But the good woman was +so favourably impressed with Fan's appearance, and so touched at the +flattering recommendation given by the manager, that at once, and before +they had said a word, she reduced the price to five shillings, and +then said that she would be glad to let it to the young lady for +four-and-sixpence a week. The room was taken there and then, and a +few days later the friends separated, one to settle down in her lonely +lodging, the other to be quietly married at a registry office, +without relation or friend to witness the ceremony; after which the +newly-married couple went away to spend their honeymoon at a distance +from London. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +For several months after that hasty and somewhat inauspicious +marriage--"unsanctified," Mrs. Churton would have said--it seemed as +if the course of events had effectually parted the two girls, and that +their close friendship was destined to be less a reality than a memory, +so seldom were they able to meet. From their honeymoon the Chances came +back to London only to settle down at Putney for the remainder of the +warm season; and this was far from Marylebone, and Fan was only able +to go there occasionally on a Sunday. But in September they moved to +Chelsea, and for a few weeks the friends met more often, and Constance +frequently called at the Regent Street shop to see and speak with Fan +for two or three minutes. This, however, did not last. Suddenly the +Chances moved again, this time to a country town over fifty miles from +London. Merton had made the discovery that journalism and not literature +was his proper vocation, and had been taken on the staff of a country +weekly newspaper, of which he hoped one day to be editor. The girls were +now further apart than ever, and for months there was no meeting. But +during all this time they corresponded, scarcely a week passing without +an exchange of letters, and this correspondence was at this period the +greatest pleasure in Fan's life. For Constance, next to Mary, who was +lost to her, was the being she loved most on earth; nor did she feel +love only. She was filled with gratitude because her friend, although +married to such a soul-filling person as Merton Chance, was not +forgetful of her humble existence, but constantly thought of her and +sent her long delightful letters, and was always wishing and hoping +to be near her again. And yet, strange contradiction! in her heart of +hearts she greatly pitied her friend. Sometimes Constance would write +glowing accounts of her husband's triumphs--an article accepted perhaps, +a flattering letter from a magazine editor, a favourable notice in a +newspaper, or some new scheme which would bring them fame and fortune. +But if she had written to say that Merton actually had become famous, +that all England was ringing with his praise, that publishers and +editors were running after him with blank cheques in their hands, +imploring him to give them a book, an article, she would still have +pitied her friend. For that was Fan's nature. When a thing once entered +into her mind there was no getting it out again. Mary to others might be +a fantastical woman, heartless, a fiend incarnate if they liked, but the +simple faith in her goodness, the old idolatrous affection still +ruled in her heart. The thoughts and feelings which had swayed her in +childhood swayed her still; and the gospel of the carpenter Cawood was +the only gospel she knew. And as to Merton, the contemptuous judgment +Mary had passed on him had become her judgment; the words she had heard +of him in the train were absolutely true; he had deceived his wife with +lies; he was weak and vain and fickle, one it was a disaster to love and +lean upon. Love, gratitude, and pity stirred her heart when she thought +of Constance, and while the pity was kept secret the love was freely and +frequently expressed, and from week to week she told the story of her +life to her sympathetic friend--all its little incidents, trials, and +successes. + +There was little to break the monotony of her life out of business hours +at this period; and it was perhaps fortunate for her that she usually +came home tired in the evening, wishing for rest rather than for +distraction. There was nothing in that part of London to make walking +attractive. The Regent's Park was close by, it is true, and thither she +was accustomed to go for a walk on Sundays, except when one or other of +her new acquaintances in the shop, living with her own people, invited +her to dinner or tea. But on weekdays, especially in winter, when the +streets were sloppy, and the atmosphere grey and damp, there was +no inducement to take her out. In such conditions Marylebone is +as depressing a district as any in London. The streets have a dull +monotonous appearance, and the ancient unvenerable houses are grimy +to blackness with the accumulation of soot on them. The inhabitants, +especially in that portion of Marylebone where Fan lived, form a +strange mixture. Artists, men of letters, sober tradesmen, artisans, +day labourers, students, shop-assistants, and foreigners--dynamiters, +adventurers, and waiters waiting for places--may all be found living in +one short street. Bohemianism, vice, respectability, wealth and poverty, +are jumbled together as in no other district in London. The modest wife, +coming out of her door at ten in the morning to do her marketing, meets, +face to face, her next neighbour standing at _her_ door, a jug in +her hand, waiting for some late milkman to pass--a slovenly dame in a +dressing-gown with half the buttons off, primrose-coloured hair loose +on her back, and a porcelain complexion hastily dabbed on a yellow +dissipated face. The Maryleboners (or bonites) being a Happy Family, +in the menagerie sense, do not vex their souls about this condition of +things; the well-fed and the hungry, the pure and the impure, are near +together, but in soul they are just as far apart as elsewhere. + +Nevertheless, to a young girl like Fan, living alone, and beautiful +to the eye, the large amount of immorality around her was a serious +trouble, and she never ventured out in the evening, even to go a short +distance, without trepidation and a fast-beating heart, so strong was +that old loathing and horror the leering looks and insolent advances +of dissolute men inspired in her. And in no part of London are such men +more numerous. When the shadows of evening fall their thoughts "lightly +turn" to the tired shop-girl, just released from her long hours of +standing and serving, and the surveillance perhaps of a tyrannical +shop-walker who makes her life a burden. Her cheap black dress, pale +face, and wistful eyes betray her. She is so tired, so hungry for a +little recreation, something to give a little brightness and colour to +her grey life, so unprotected and weak to resist--how easy to compass +her destruction! The long evenings were lonely in her room, but it +was safe there, and sitting before her fire writing to Constance, or +thinking of her, and reading again one of the small collection of books +she had brought from Eyethorne, the hours would pass not too slowly. + +At length when the long cold season was drawing to an end, when the mud +in the streets dried into fine dust for the mad March winds to whirl +about, and violets and daffodils were cheap enough for Fan to buy, and +she looked eagerly forward to walks in the grassy park at the end of +each day, during those long summer evenings when the sun hangs low and +does not set, the glad tidings reached her that the Chances were coming +back to London. Journalism, in a country town at all events, had proved +a failure, and Merton, with some new scheme in his brain, was once more +about to return to the great intellectual centre, which, he now said, he +ought never to have left. + +"Most men when they want something done," he remarked, "have a vile +way of getting the wrong person to do it. Here have I been wasting my +flowers on this bovine public--whole clusters every week to those who +have no sense of smell and no eye for form and colour. What they want is +ensilage--a coarse fare suited to ruminants." + +A few days afterwards Constance wrote from Norland Square in Notting +Hill asking Fan to visit her as soon as convenient. Fan got the letter +on a Saturday morning, and when the shop closed at two she hastened +home to change her dress, and then started for Norland Square, where she +arrived about half-past three o'clock. + +There is no greater happiness on earth, and we can imagine no greater in +heaven, than that which is experienced by two loving friends on meeting +again after a long separation; that is, when the reunion has not been +too long delayed. If new interests and feelings have not obscured the +old, if Time has written no "strange defeatures" on the soul, and +the image treasured by memory corresponds with the reality, then the +communion of heart with heart seems sweeter than it ever seemed before +its interruption. And this happiness, this rapture of the soul which +makes life seem angelic for a season, the two friends now experienced in +full measure. For an hour they sat together, holding each other's hands, +feeling a strange inexpressible pleasure in merely listening to the +sound of each other's voices, noting the familiar tones, the old +expressions, the rippling laughter so long unheard, and in gazing into +each other's eyes, bright with the lustre of joy, and tender with love +almost to tears. + +"Fan," said her friend, holding her a little away in order to see her +better, "I have been distressing myself about you in vain. I could not +help thinking that there would be one change after all this time, that +your skin would lose that delicacy which makes you look so unfitted +for work of any kind. There would be, I thought, a little of that +unwholesome pallor and the tired look one so often sees in girls who are +confined in shops and have to stand all day on their feet. But you have +the same fresh look and pure delicate skin; nothing alters you. I do +believe that you will never change at all, however long you may live, +and never grow old." + +"Or clever and wise like you," laughed the other. + +The result of Fan's inspection of her friend's face was not equally +satisfactory; for although Constance had not lost her rich colour nor +grown thin, there was a look of trouble in the clear hazel eyes--the +shadow which had first come there when the girls had overheard a +conversation about Merton in the train, only the shadow was more +persistent now. + +"I expect Merton home at five," she said, "and then we'll have tea." Fan +noticed that when she spoke of her husband that shadow of trouble did +not grow less. And by-and-by, putting her arm round the other's neck, +she spoke. + +"Dearest Constance, shall I tell you one change I see in you? You are +unhappy about something. Why will you not let me share your trouble? We +were such dear friends always, ever since that day in the woods when you +asked me why I disliked you. Must it be different now because you are +married?" + +"It must be a little different in some things," she replied gravely, and +averting her eyes. "I love you as much as I ever did, and shall never +have another friend like you in the world. But, Fan, a husband must have +the first place in a wife's heart, and no friend, however dear, can be +fully taken into their confidence. We are none of us quite happy, or +have everything we desire in our lives; and the only difference now is +that I can't tell you quite all my little secret troubles, as I hope you +will always tell me yours until you marry. Do you not see that it must +be so?" + +"If it must be, Constance. But it seems hard, and--I am not sure that +you are right." + +"I have, like everyone else, only my own feelings of what is right to +guide me. And now let us talk of something else--of dear old Eyethorne +again." + +It was curious to note the change that had come over her mind with +regard to Eyethorne; and how persistently she returned to the subject of +her life there, appearing to find a melancholy pleasure in dwelling on +it. How she had despised its narrowness then--its stolid ignorances +and prejudices, the dull, mean virtues on which it prided itself, the +malicious gossip in which it took delight--and had chafed at the thought +of her wasted years! Now all those things that had vexed her seemed +trivial and even unreal. She thought less of men and women and more +of nature, the wide earth, so tender and variable in its tints, yet so +stable, the far-off dim horizon and infinite heaven, the procession of +the seasons, the everlasting freshness and glory. It was all so sweet +and peaceful, and the years had not been wasted which had been spent in +dreaming. What beautiful dreams had kept her company there--dreams +of the future, of all she would accomplish in life, of all life's +possibilities! Oh no, not possibilities; for there was nothing in actual +life to correspond with those imaginings. Not more unlike were those +Turner canvases, daubed over with dull earthy paint, to the mysterious +shadowy depths, the crystal purity, the evanescent splendours of nature +at morn and noon and eventide, than was this married London life to the +life she had figured in her dreams. That was the reality, the true life, +and this that was called reality only a crude and base imitation. They +were still talking of Eyethorne when Merton returned; but not alone, for +he brought a friend with him, a young gentleman whom he introduced as +Arthur Eden. He had not expected to find Fan with his wife, and a shade +of annoyance passed over his face when he saw her. But in a moment +it was gone, and seizing her hand he greeted her with exaggerated +cordiality. + +Constance welcomed her unexpected guest pleasantly, yet his coming +disturbed her a good deal; for they were poor, living in a poor way, +their only sitting-room where they took their meals being small and +musty and mean-looking, with its rickety chairs and sofa covered with +cheap washed-out cretonne, its faded carpet and vulgar little gimcrack +ornaments on the mantelpiece. And this friend gave one the idea that her +husband had fallen from a somewhat better position in life than he was +now in. There was an intangible something about him which showed him to +be one of those favoured children of destiny who are placed above the +need of a "career," who dress well and live delicately, and have nothing +to do in life but to extract all the sweetness there is in it. Very +good-looking was this Mr. Eden, with an almost feminine beauty. Crisp +brown hair, with a touch of chestnut in it, worn short and parted in the +middle; low forehead, straight, rather thin nose, refined mouth and +fine grey eyes. The face did not lack intelligence, but the predominant +expression was indolent good-nature; it was colourless, and looked jaded +and _blase_ for one so young, his age being about twenty-four. The most +agreeable thing in him was his voice, which, although subdued, had that +quality of tenderness and resonance more common in Italy than in our +moist, thick-throated island; and it was pleasant to hear his light +ready laugh, musical as a woman's. In his voice and easy quiet manner +he certainly contrasted very favourably with his friend. Merton was loud +and incessant in his talk, and walked about and gesticulated, and spoke +with an unnecessary emphasis, a sham earnestness, which more than once +called an anxious look to his wife's expressive face. + +"What do you think, Connie!" he cried. "In Piccadilly I ran against +old Eden after not having seen him for over five years! I was never so +overjoyed at meeting anyone in my life! We were at school together at +Winchester, you know, and then he went to Cambridge--lucky dog! And +I--but what does it matter where I went?--to some wretched crammer, +I suppose. Since I lost sight of him he has been all over the +world--India, Japan, America--no end of places, enjoying life and +enlarging his mind, while I was wasting the best years of my life at +that confounded Foreign Office." + +"I shouldn't mind wasting the rest of _my_ life in it," said his friend +with a slight laugh. + +"Now just listen to me," said Merton, squaring himself before the +other, and prepared to launch out concerning the futility of life in the +Foreign Office; but Constance at that moment interposed to say that +tea was waiting. She had herself taken the tea-things from the general +servant, who had brought them to the door, and was a slatternly girl, +not presentable. + +"I must tell you, Connie," began Merton, as soon as they were seated, +for he had forgotten all about the other subject by this time, "that +when I met Eden this afternoon he at once agreed to accompany me home to +make your acquaintance, and take pot-luck with us. Of course I have told +him all about our present circumstances, that we are not settled yet, +and living in a kind of Bohemian fashion." + +Eden on his side made several attempts to converse with the ladies, but +they were not very successful, for Merton, although engaged in consuming +cold mutton and pickles with great zest, would not allow them to wander +off from his own affairs. + +"I have something grand to tell you, Arthur" he went on, not noticing +his wife's uncomfortable state of mind, and frequent glances in his +direction. "You know all about what I am doing just now. Not bad stuff, +I believe. The editors who know me will take as much of it as I care +to give them. But I am not going to settle down into a mere magazine +writer, although just at present it serves my purpose to scatter a few +papers about among the periodicals. But in a short time I intend to make +a new departure. I dare say it will rather astonish you to hear about +it." + +His grand idea, he proceeded to say, was to write a story--the first of +a series--that would be no story at all in the ordinary sense, since it +would have no plot or plan or purpose of any kind. Nor would there be +analysis and description--nothing to skip, in fact. The people of his +brain would do nothing and say nothing--at all events there would be +no dialogue. The characters would be mere faint pencil-marks--something +less than shadows. + +Tea was over by the time this subject was exhausted; Eden's curiosity +about his friend's projected novel, described so far by negatives only, +had apparently subsided, for he managed to turn the conversation to some +other subject; and presently Constance was persuaded to sit down to the +piano. She played under difficulties on the dismal old lodging-house +instrument, but declined to sing, alleging a cold, of which there was +no evidence. Merton turned the music for her, and for the first time +his friend found an opportunity of exchanging a few words with Fan. When +first introduced to her their eyes had met for a moment, and his had +brightened with an expression of agreeable surprise; afterwards +during tea, when the flow of Merton's inconsequent chatter had made +conversation impossible, his eyes had wandered frequently to her face as +if they found it pleasant to rest there. + +"Mrs. Chance plays skilfully," he said. "Merton is fortunate in such a +wife." + +"Yes; but I like her singing best. I am sorry she can't sing this +evening, as it is always such a treat to me to listen to her." + +"But you will sing presently, Miss Affleck, will you not? I have been +waiting to ask you." + +"I neither sing nor play, Mr. Eden. In music, as in everything else that +requires study and taste, I am a perfect contrast to my friend." + +"I fancy you are depreciating yourself too much. But it surprises me +to hear that you don't sing. I always fancy that I can distinguish a +musical person in a crowd, and you, in the expression of your face, +in your movements, and most of all in your voice, seemed to reveal the +musical soul." + +"Did you really imagine all that?" returned Fan, reddening a little. "I +am so sorry you were mistaken, for I do love music so much." And then +as he said nothing, but continued regarding her with some curiosity, +she added naively, "I'm afraid, Mr. Eden, that I have very little +intellect." + +He laughed and answered, "You must let me judge for myself about that." + +Mr. Eden was musical himself, although his constitutional indolence had +prevented him from becoming a proficient in the art. Still, he could +sing a limited number of songs correctly, accompanying himself, and he +was heard at his best in a room in which the four walls were not too far +apart, as his voice lacked strength, while good in quality. + +About nine o'clock Fan came in from the next room with her hat and +jacket on to say good-bye. Mr. Eden started up with alacrity and begged +her to let him see her home. + +"Oh, thank you, Mr. Eden, but you need not trouble," she returned. "I am +going to take an omnibus close by in the Uxbridge Road." + +"Then you must let me see you safely in it," he said; and as he insisted +that it was time for him to go she could no longer refuse. The door +closed behind them after many jocular words of farewell from Merton, and +husband and wife were left to finish their evening in privacy. + +"Is it far to your home?" asked Eden. + +"I live in Marylebone," she replied, giving a rather wide address. + +"But is that too far to walk? I fancy I know where Marylebone is--north +of Oxford Street. Will it tire you very much to walk?" + +"Oh no, I love walking, but at night I couldn't walk that distance by +myself, and so must ride." + +"Then do let me see you home. You are an intimate friend of the Chances, +and I am so anxious, now that I have met Merton, to hear something more +about them. Perhaps you would not mind telling me what you know about +their life and prospects." + +"I will walk if you wish, Mr. Eden," she returned after a moment's +hesitation. "Mrs. Chance is my friend, and she was my teacher for a year +in the country, before she married. But I couldn't tell you anything +about their prospects, I know so little." + +"Still, you know a great deal more about them than I do, and my only +motive in seeking information is--well, not a bad one. I might be able +to give them a little help in their struggles. It strikes me that Merton +is not going quite the right way to work to get on in life, and that his +wife is not too happy. Do you think I am right?" + +And the conversation thus begun continued very nearly to the end of +their long walk, Fan, little by little unfolding the story of her +friend's life in the country, of the journey to London, the sudden +marriage; but concerning Merton, his occupations and prospects, she +could tell him next to nothing, and her secret thoughts about him +were not disclosed, in spite of many ingenious little attempts on her +companion's part to pry into her mind. + +"Miss Affleck," he said at length, "I feel the greatest respect for your +motives in concealing what you do from me, for I know there is more to +tell if you chose to tell it. But I am not blind; I can see a great deal +for myself. I fear that your friend has made a terrible mistake in tying +herself to Merton. At school he was considered a clever fellow, and +afterwards when he got his clerkship, his friends--he had some friends +then--would have backed him to win in the race of life. But he has +fallen off greatly since then. It is plain to see that he drinks, and he +has also become an incorrigible liar--" + +"Mr. Eden!" exclaimed Fan. + +"Do you imagine, Miss Affleck, that there is one atom of truth in all he +says about his interest with editors, and his forthcoming books, and +the rest? Do you think it really the truth that he was insane enough to +throw up his clerkship at the Foreign Office which would have kept want +from him, at all events, and from his wife?" + +"I cannot say--I do not know," answered Fan; then added, somewhat +illogically, "But it is so very sad for Constance! I don't want to judge +him, I only want to hope." + +"I wish to hope too--and to help if I can. I have tried to help him +to-day, but now I fear that I have made a mistake, and that his wife +will not thank me." + +"What have you done, Mr. Eden? Is it a secret, or something you can tell +me?" + +He did not answer at once; the question, although it pleased him, +required a little rapid consideration. He had been greatly attracted by +Fan, and had observed her keenly all the evening, and had arrived at the +conclusion that she was deeply attached to her friend Mrs. Chance, but +was by no means a believer in or an admirer of Mr. Chance. All this +provided him with an excellent subject of conversation during their long +walk; for in some vague way he had formed the purpose of touching the +heart-strings of this rare girl with grey pathetic eyes. Accordingly +he affected an interest, which he was far from feeling, in his friend's +affairs, expressing indignation at his conduct, and sympathy with his +wife, and everything he said found a ready echo in the girl's heart. +In this way he had gone far towards winning her confidence, and +establishing a kind of friendly feeling between them. That little +tentative speech about his mistake had produced the right effect and +had made her anxious; it would serve his purpose best, he concluded, to +satisfy her curiosity. + +"Perhaps I had no right to say what I did," he answered at length, "as +it is a secret. But I will tell it to you all the same, because I +feel sure that I can trust you, and because we are both friends of the +Chances and interested in their welfare, and anxious about them. When +I met Merton to-day I was a little surprised at his manner and +conversation, but in the end I set it down to excitement at meeting with +an old friend. I was anxious not to believe that he had been drinking, +and I did not know that most of the things he told me were rank +falsehoods. He said that he was doing very well as a writer, and that +he required fifty pounds to make up a sum to purchase an interest in +a weekly paper, and asked me to lend it to him, which I did. I am now +convinced that what he told me was not the truth, and that in lending +him fifty pounds I have gone the wrong way about helping him, and fear +very much--please don't think me cynical for saying it--that he will +keep out of my sight as much as he can. I regret it for his wife's sake. +He might have known that I could have helped him in other and better +ways." + +Fan made no remark, and presently he continued: + +"But let us talk of something else now. Are you fond of reading novels, +Miss Affleck?--if it is not impertinent in me to speak on such a subject +just after we have heard Merton's harangue on the subject." + +Of novels they accordingly talked for the next half-hour; but Fan, +rather to his surprise, had read very few of the books of the day about +which he spoke. + +They were near the end of their walk now. + +"Let me say one thing more about our friends before we separate," he +said. "I do not believe that I shall see much of Merton now, as I said +before. But I shall be very anxious to know how they get on, and you of +course will know. Will you allow me to call at your house and see you +sometimes?" + +"That would be impossible, Mr. Eden." + +"Why?" he asked in surprise. + +"I must tell you, Mr. Eden--I wish Mr. Chance had told you to prevent +mistakes--that I am only a very poor girl. I am in a shop in Regent +Street, and have only one room in the house where I lodge. I have no +relations in the world, and no friends except Constance." + +"Is that so?" he said, his tone betraying his surprise. And with the +surprise he felt was mingled disgust--disgust with himself for having so +greatly mistaken her position, and with Destiny for having placed her +so low. But the disgust very quickly passed away, and was succeeded by a +different feeling--one of satisfaction if not of positive elation. + +"This is my door, Mr. Eden," said Fan, pausing before one of the dark, +grimy-looking houses in the monotonous street they had entered. + +"I am sorry to part with you so soon," he returned. "I do hope that we +shall meet again some day, and I should be so glad, Miss Affleck, if in +future you could think that Mrs. Chance is not your only friend in the +world. Whether we are destined to meet or not again, I should so like +you to think that I am also your friend." + +"Thank you, Mr. Eden, I shall be glad to think of you as a friend," she +replied with simple frankness. + +That speech and the glance of shy pleasure which accompanied it almost +tempted him to say more, but he hesitated, and finally concluded not to +go further just then; and after opening the door for her with her humble +latchkey, he shook hands and said good-night. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + +Before leaving Fan at her own door Mr. Eden did not neglect to make a +mental note of the number, although to make it out was not easy owing +to the obscure veil that time, weather, and London smoke had thrown +over the gilded figures. From Charlotte Street he walked slowly and +thoughtfully to his rooms in Albemarle Street. "I feel too tired to go +anywhere to-night," he said. "From the remotest wilds of Notting Hill +to the eastern boundaries of Marylebone--a long walk even with such a +companion. That young person I took for a lady is an all-round fraud. +That delicate style of beauty is very deceptive; she would walk a camel +off its legs." + +A fire was burning brightly in his sitting-room; and throwing himself +into a comfortable easy-chair before it, he lit a cigar, and began to +think about things in general. + +He did not feel quite settled in his London rooms, which he had taken +furnished, and in which he had lived off and on for a period of eighteen +months. He was always thinking of going abroad again to resume the +wanderings which had been prematurely ended by the tidings of his +father's death. But he was indolent, a lover of pleasure, with plenty +of money, and a year and a half had slipped insensibly by. There was no +need to do things in a hurry, he said; his inclination was everything: +when he had a mind to travel he would travel, and when it suited his +mood he would rest at home. He did not care very much about anything. +His teachers had failed to make anything of him. + +His father, who had retired from the military profession rather early +in life, had wished him to go into the army; but he was not urgent, +speaking to him less like a father to a son than a middle-aged gentleman +to a young friend in whom he took a considerable interest, but who was +his own master. "It's all very well to say 'Go into the army,'" his +son would answer; "but I can't do it in the way you did, and I strongly +object to the competitive system." And so the matter ended. + +It was perhaps in a great measure due to his easygoing, unambitious +character that he had not taken actively to evil courses. The poet is no +doubt right when he says: + + Satan finds some mischief still + For idle hands to do. + +But it is after all a small amount of mischief and of a somewhat mild +description compared with that which he inspires in the busy, pushing, +energetic man. But in spite of his moral debility and his small sympathy +with enthusiasms of any kind, he was much liked by those who knew him. +In a quiet way he was observant, and not without humour, which gave a +pleasant flavour to his conversation. Moreover he was good-tempered, +even to those who bored him, slow to take offence, easily conciliated, +never supercilious, generous. + +"What has come to Merton?" he said. "Confound the fellow! I used to +think him so quiet, but now he would talk a donkey's hind-leg off. He's +going to the dogs, I think, and I'm sorry I met him.... No, not sorry, +since through meeting him I have made the acquaintance of that exquisite +girl.... If I know what it is to be in love--and do I not?--I fancy I am +beginning to feel the symptoms of that sweet sickness. I could not think +of such a face and feel well. I must try to get her photo and have it +enlarged; Mills could do a beautiful water-colour portrait from it.... +Figure slim, and a most perfect complexion, with a colour delicate as +the blush on the petals of some white flower. Nose straight enough and +of the right size. It is possible to love, as I happen to know, women +with insignificant noses, but impossible not to feel some contempt +for them at the same time. Mouth--well, of a girl or woman, not a +suckling--not the facial disfigurement called a rose-bud mouth, which +has as little attraction for me as the Connemara or even the Zulu mouth. +But how describe it, since the poets have not taught me? The painters +manage these things better; but even their prince, Rossetti, has +nothing on his canvases to compare with this delicate feature. Hair, +golden-brown, very bright; for it does not lie like grass, beaten flat +and sodden with rain; it is fluffy, loose, crisp, with little stray +tresses on forehead, neck, and temples. About her eyes, those windows of +the soul, I can only say--nothing. Something in their grey, mysterious +depths haunts me like music. I don't know what it is. I have loved many +a girl, from the northern with arsenic complexion, china-blue eyes, +and canary-coloured hair, to the divine image cut in ebony, as some one +piously and prettily says, but I doubt that I have felt quite in this +way before. Yet she is not clever, as she says, and is only a poor +shop-girl, her surname Affleck--that quaint, plebeian name with its +curious associations! I must not forget to ask Merton to tell me her +history. I shall certainly see him to-morrow, although perhaps for the +last time. Fifty pounds should be enough to pay for the information +I require. And that reminds me to ask myself a question--Is it my +intention to follow up this adventure? She is a friend of Mrs. Chance, +and since I met her at my friend's house, would it be a right thing to +do? A nice question, but why bother my brains about it? One can't trust +to appearances; but if she is what she looks no harm will come to her. +If she is like other girls of her class, not too pure and good for human +nature's daily food, then the result might be--not at all unpleasant.... +Women, pretty girls even, are very cheap in England--a drug in the +market, as any young man not positively a gorilla of ugliness must know. +It rather saddens me to think what I could do, without being a King +Solomon. But for this young girl who is not clever, and lodges in +Charlotte Street, and goes every day to her shop, I think I could make +a fool of myself. And make her happy perhaps. She should have not only +a shelter from the storm and the tempest, but everything her heart could +desire.... And if the opportunity offers, why should I not make +her happy in the way she might like? Is it bad to wish to possess a +beautiful girl? I fancy I have that part of my nature by inheritance. +My amiable progenitor was, in this respect, something of a rascal, as +someone says of the pious AEneas. Only at last he became religious, and +repented of all his sins: the devil was sick, the devil a saint would +be.... After all, if we are powerless to shape our own destinies, if +what is to be will be, how idle to discuss such a question, to array +conscience and inclination against one another, like two sets of wooden +marionettes made to advance and retire by pulling at the strings! This +battle in the brain, which may be fought out till not an opponent is +left alive on one side, all in the course of half an hour, is only a +mock battle--a mere farce. The real battle will be a bigger affair +and last much longer, and a whole galaxy of gods will be looking down +assisting now this side and now that--Chance, Time, Circumstance, and +others too numerous to mention. This, then, is my conclusion--I am in +the hands of destiny: _che sara sara_." + +When Merton, after bidding good-night to his guests at the street-door, +returned to the sitting-room where he had left his wife he did not find +her there; in the bedroom he discovered her with tear-stains on her +face. + +The smile faded from his lips, he forgot the things he had come to +say, and sitting down by her side he took her hand in his, but without +speaking. He knew why she had been crying. He loved his wife as much as +it was in his power to love anyone after himself, and to some extent he +appreciated her. He recognised in her a very pure and beautiful spirit, +a great depth of affection, and a clear, cultivated intellect, yet +without any of that offensive pride and insolent scorn which so often +accompanies freedom of thought in a woman and makes her contrast so +badly with her old-fashioned Christian sister. He did not rate her +powers very highly, not high enough in fact, so as to compensate for the +excessive esteem in which he held his own; nevertheless she was to him a +lovely, even a gifted woman, and, what was more, she loved him and took +him at his own valuation, and had linked her life with his when his +fortunes were at their lowest. He was always very tender with her, +and had never yet, even in his occasional moments of irritation and +despondence, spoken an unkind word to her. During the evening he had not +failed to notice that she was ill at ease, and he rightly divined that +something in himself had been the cause; nor was he at a loss to guess +what that something was. Yet he had not allowed the thought to trouble +him overmuch; at all events it had made no perceptible difference in his +manner, his elation at the thought of the fifty pounds he was going to +receive causing this little shadow to seem a very small matter. Now he +was troubled by a feeling of compunction, and when he spoke at length it +was in a gentle, pleading tone. + +"Connie," he said, "I needn't ask you why you have been crying. I have +offended you so many times that I know the signs only too well." + +"That is a reproach I do not deserve, Merton," she returned. + +"I am not reproaching you, dear, but myself for giving you pain." + +"Have I shown myself so hard to please, so ready to take offence, that +you know the signs of disapproval so well?" + +"No, Connie; on the contrary. But my eyes are quick to see disapproval, +as yours are quick to see anything wrong in me. And I would not have +it different." After a while he continued, a little anxiously, "Do you +think our visitor--I mean Eden, for I care nothing about Fan--noticed +any signs of--noticed what you did?" + +"How can I tell, Merton? He looked a little tired, I thought." + +"Did he look tired? And yet I think I talked well." She made no +reply, and he continued, "Of course, Connie, you thought I seemed too +excited--that I had been taking stimulants. Is it not so?" + +"Yes, I thought that," she replied, averting her eyes, and in a tone of +deep pain. "Oh, Merton, is this going to continue until it grows into a +habit? It will break my heart!" + +"My dear girl, you needn't imagine anything so terrible. You can trust +me to keep my word. I shall become a total abstainer; not because +alcohol has now or ever can have any fatal attraction for me, but solely +because you wish it, Connie. I confess that to-day I came home unusually +excited, but it was not because I had exceeded. It was because I had met +with an unexpected stroke of good luck. When I met Eden to-day, and was +telling him about my new career and my struggles as a beginner, he at +once very kindly offered to lend me fifty pounds to assist me." + +"And are you going to borrow money from your friend?" + +"I should not think of asking him for money; but when he offered me this +small sum--for to him it _is_ small--I could not think of refusing. It +would have been foolish when our funds are so low, and I shall soon be +in a position to repay him." + +"And you took the money?" + +"No, I am to have it to-morrow. I am going to meet him at his club." + +"I wish, Merton, that you could do without this fifty pounds," she said +after a while. "I see no prospect of repaying it, there is so little +coming in. And I seem unable to help you in the least--my last +manuscript came back to-day, declined like the others. I am afraid that +this borrowing will do us more harm than good. It is the way to lose +your friends, I think, and the friendship of a man in Mr. Eden's +position should be worth more to you than fifty pounds, even looking at +the matter in a purely interested way." + +"You need not fear, Connie. Besides, even if you are right in what +you say, I should really prefer to have this little help than Eden's +friendship. You see he is a mere butterfly, without any interest in +things of the mind, and it is not likely that he will be very much to us +in our new life, which will be among intellectual and artistic people, I +hope." + +"With so poor an opinion of him I can't imagine how you can take his +money and lay yourself under so great an obligation." + +"Pooh, Connie, the obligation will be very light indeed. In three or +four months the money will be repaid, and he will think as little about +it as he does of inviting me to lunch or giving me a good cigar. I shall +always be friendly with him, and invite him sometimes to see us when we +are comfortably established; but he is not a man I should ever wish to +grapple to my breast with hooks of steel. And so you see, wifie dear, +you have been making yourself unhappy without sufficient cause. And now +won't you kiss and forgive me, and acknowledge that I am not so black as +your imagination painted me?" + +She kissed him freely, and accepted as simple truth the explanation he +had given of his excited condition during the evening; nevertheless, she +was not quite happy in her mind. The return of that last manuscript--a +long article which had cost her much pains to write, and about which she +had been very hopeful--had made her sore, and he had paid no +attention to what she had said about it, and the words of sympathy and +encouragement she had looked for had not been spoken. Then it had jarred +on her mind to hear her husband talk so disparagingly of the friend from +whom he was borrowing money. She had herself formed a better opinion of +Mr. Eden's character and capabilities. And about the borrowing, what +he had said had not altered her mind; but it was her way whenever she +disagreed with her husband to reason and even plead with him, and if she +then found, as she generally did, that he still adhered to his own view, +to yield the point and say no more about it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + +Next day the friends met at Eden's club, and after lunching they had +an hour's conversation in the smoking-room. But their characters of the +previous evening now seemed to be reversed--Eden talked and the other +listened. An inexplicable change had come over the loquacious man of +letters; he listened and seemed to be on his guard, drinking little, and +saying nothing about his plans and prospects. "Damn the fellow, I can't +make him out at all," thought Eden, vexed that the other gave him no +opportunity of introducing the subject he had been thinking so much +about. He did not wish to introduce it himself, but in the end he was +compelled to do so. + +"By the way, Merton, before I forget it," he said at length, "tell me +about Miss Affleck, whom I met at your house last evening." + +Merton glanced at him and did not appear to be pleased at the question. +"Oh, I see," thought his friend, "the subject is not one that he finds +agreeable. I must know why." + +"She is a friend of my wife's, but I have never seen much of her," +replied Merton. "She is an orphan, without money or expectations, I +believe." After an interval he added--"But I dare say you know as much +as I can tell you about her, as you walked home or part of the way home +with her last evening." + +This of course was a mere guess on Merton's part. + +"Yes, I did, but I didn't question her, and I wanted to know where her +people came from, the Afflecks--" + +"Oh, I can soon satisfy your curiosity on that point. That is really not +her name. She was adopted or something by a lady who took an interest +in her for some reason, or for no reason, and who thought proper to give +her that name because Miss Affleck's real surname didn't please her." + +"What was her real name?" + +"I can't remember. Barnes, or Thompson, or Wilkins--one of those sort of +names." + +"And how came the lady to call her Affleck?" + +"A mere fancy for an uncommon name, I believe, and because Frances +Affleck sounded better than Frances Green or Black or anything she could +think of. Of course she didn't really adopt the girl at all, but she +brought her up and educated her." + +Eden was not yet satisfied with what he had heard, and as Merton seemed +inclined to drop the subject, which was not what he wanted, he remarked +tentatively: + +"How curious then that Miss Affleck should now be compelled to make her +own living as a shop-assistant!" + +"Oh, you got that out of her!" exclaimed Merton, in a tone of +undisguised annoyance. + +"Don't say I got it out of her," returned the other a little sharply. +"I did not question her about her affairs, of course. She gave me that +information quite spontaneously. I can't remember what it was that +brought the subject up." Here he paused to reflect, remarking mentally, +"This fellow is teaching me to be as great a liar as he is himself." +Then he continued--"Ah, yes, I remember now; we were talking about +books, and I asked her why she had not read all the popular novels I +mentioned, and then she explained her position." + +"Then," said Merton, transferring his resentment to Fan, "I think it +would have shown better taste if she had been a little more reticent +with a stranger about her private affairs; more especially with one she +has met in my house. For she knows that she took to this life against +our wishes and advice, and that by so doing she has placed a great +distance between herself and Mrs. Chance." + +"Perhaps you are right. It is certainly a rare thing in England to see +a young lady in Miss Affleck's position so well suited in appearance and +manner to mix with those who are better placed." + +"Quite so. She was never intended for her present station in life. +And since you know what you do know about her through her own want of +discretion, you must let me explain how she comes to be a visitor in my +house, and received as a friend by my wife. My wife's father, a retired +barrister living on a small and not very productive estate of his own in +Wiltshire, consented to receive Miss Affleck to reside for a year in his +house, and during that time my wife gave her instruction. Unhappily the +lady who had made Miss Affleck her _protegee,_ and who happens to be +an extremely crotchety and violent-tempered woman, so full of fads +and fancies that she is more suited to be in a lunatic asylum than at +large--" + +"Old, I suppose?" remarked Eden, amused at this sudden flow of talk. + +"Old? Well, yes; getting on, I should say. One of those bewigged and +painted wretches that hate to be thought over forty. Well, for some +unexplained reason,--probably because Miss Affleck was young and pretty +and attracted too much admiration--she quarrelled with the poor girl and +cast her off. It was a barbarous thing to do, and we would gladly have +given her a home, and my wife's mother also offered to help her. But +as she wished not to be dependent, Mrs. Chance was anxious to get her +a place as governess or school-teacher. The girl, however, who is +strangely obstinate, would not be persuaded, and eventually got this +situation for herself. This explains what you have heard, and what must +have surprised you very much. Out of pity for the girl, who had been +hardly treated, and because of my wife's affection for her, I have +allowed this thing to continue, and have not given her to understand +that by taking her own course in opposition to our wishes, she has cut +herself off from her friends." + +Eden, as we know, had become possessed of the idea that Merton would not +tell the truth if a lie could serve his purpose equally well, and he did +not therefore attach much importance to what he had heard. Nevertheless, +it pleased him. Merton was evidently ashamed at having a shop-girl +received as an equal by his wife, and would be glad, like the bewigged +and evil-tempered old woman he had spoken of, to cast her off. "His +house!" thought Eden contemptuously; "a couple of wretched rooms in the +shabby neighbourhood of Norland Square." + +"Well," he said, rising and looking at his watch, "it is greatly to be +regretted that she did not follow your wife's advice, as there is no +question that she is too good for her present station in life." + +Merton also rose; the fifty pounds were in his pocket (and his I O U in +his friend's pocket), and there was nothing more to detain him. + +"You seem to have been very much attracted by her," he said with a +smile. "Perhaps you intend to cultivate her acquaintance." + +Eden smiled also, for his friend's eyes were on his face. "She is a +charming girl, Chance, and--I met her at _your_ house. Unless I meet her +there on some future occasion, I do not suppose that I shall ever see +her again. She has chosen her own path in life, and I only hope that she +may not find it unpleasant." + +Then they shook hands and separated; Merton to attend to a little +business matter, then to go home to his wife, with some new things +to tell her. Eden's mental remark was, "I may see--I hope to see Miss +Affleck again, not once, but scores and hundreds of times; but I shall +not grieve much, my veracious and noble-minded friend, if I should never +again run against _you_ in Piccadilly or any other thoroughfare." + +From his visit to Eden, which, in different ways, had proved +satisfactory to both gentlemen, Merton returned at six o'clock to dine +with his wife, their usual midday meal having been put off until that +hour to suit his convenience. He had brought a bottle of good wine with +him; for with fifty pounds in his pocket he could afford to be free for +once, and at table he made himself very entertaining. + +"This has been a red-letter day," he said, "and I shall finish it by +being as lazy as I like to be. I shouldn't care to sit down now to +work after such a good dinner. Rest and be thankful is my motto for the +moment, and perhaps by-and-by you will treat me to some of your music. +Eden has rather a taste for music, and admires your playing greatly." + +He was very lively, and chattered on in this strain until the wine was +finished, and then Constance played and sung a few of his favourite +pieces. But after the singing was over, and when she was doing a little +needlework, she noticed that he had grown strangely silent, and sat +staring into the fire with clouded face; and thinking that there was +perhaps something on his mind which he might like to speak about, she +put down her work and went to him. + +"What is it, Merton, dear?" she said; "are there any dead flies in that +little pot of apothecary's ointment you brought home to-day?" + +"No, not one--not even the proboscis of a fly has been left sticking in +it. By the way, here it is, all but five pounds which I had to change +to-day. Take it, Connie, and stick to it like old boots. No, dear, it +was not that; I was thinking of something different--something that has +vexed me a little. When is your friend Fan coming again?" + +"Fan! I don't know. We made no arrangement. I am to write to let her +know when to come. Has Fan anything to do with the vexation you speak +of?" + +"Yes, to some extent she has; but I really had no intention of speaking +of it just now, as I know how sensitive you are on that point, and +biased in her favour." + +"Biased in her favour, Merton? What is there wrong in her?--how can she +have vexed you?" + +"She has done nothing intentionally to vex me. But, Connie, she is a +very ignorant girl, and I cannot help regretting very much that she was +here last evening when Eden came." + +"You are not very complimentary to me when you call her ignorant, +Merton." + +"My dear girl, I don't mean ignorant in that sense. I dare say you +taught her as much as most young ladies are supposed to know; perhaps +more. But she is naturally ignorant of social matters, with an ignorance +that is born in her and quite invincible." + +"I am more puzzled than ever. I have taught her something--not very +much, I confess, as I only had her for one year. But for the rest, it +has always been my opinion that she possesses a natural refinement, such +as one would expect from her appearance, and that there is a singular +charm in her manner. Perhaps you do not think me capable of forming a +right judgment about such things." + +"Don't say that, Connie; but you shall judge yourself whether I am right +or wrong in what I have said when you hear the facts. It appears that +Eden did not see her to the omnibus, but walked home with her last +evening. He spoke of her this morning, and though he assumed an +indifferent tone, it was plain to see that he was very much surprised +to find a shop-girl from Regent Street visiting and on terms of equality +with my wife." + +Constance reddened. + +"How came your friend to know that she was a shopgirl in Regent Street?" + +"That's just where the cause of vexation lies," said Merton. "She told +him that herself, not in answer to any question from him, but simply +because she thought proper to explain who and what she was. She did not +think it was wrong, no doubt, but what can you do with such a person? +Surely she must be ignorant to talk about her squalid affairs to a +gentleman of Mr. Eden's standing after meeting him in our house! To tell +you the truth, I think it was kind of Eden to mention the matter to me. +It was as if he had said in so many words, 'If your visitors and dearest +friends are chosen from the shop-girl class, you will find it a rather +difficult matter to better your position in the world.'" + +"I am very sorry you have been annoyed, Merton. But I could not very +well speak to Fan about it. She would imagine, and it would be very +natural, that we were getting a little too fastidious." + +"You are right, she would, and I advise you to say nothing about it. +A far better plan would be to break off this unequal friendship, which +will only distress and be a hindrance to us in various ways, and would +have to come to an end some day." + +"Oh, Merton, that would be cruel to her and to me as well! Not only is +she my dearest friend, but she is really the only friend I have got." + +"Yes, I know; I have thought about that, but it will not be for long, +Connie. You must not imagine that our life is to be spent in this or +any other sordid suburb. The articles I am now engaged on cannot fail +to bring me into notice and give us a fair start in life; and you may be +sure, Connie, that society will very soon find out that you are one of +the gifted ones, both physically and mentally. It will not be suitable +for you to know one in Fan's position, and it will only be a kindness to +the girl if you quietly drop her now." + +Constance was not in the least affected by this glittering vision of the +future; she made no reply, but with eyes cast down and a face expressing +only pain she moved from his side, and sat down to her work once more. +To be deprived of her beloved friend, whose friendship was so much to +her in her solitary life, and whose place in her heart no other could +take, and for so slight a cause, seemed very hard and very strange. Why +did her husband consider her so little in this matter? This she asked +herself, and a suspicion which had floated vaguely in her mind before +began to take form. Was this slight cause the real cause of so harsh a +determination? Since he loved her, and was invariably kind and tender, +it seemed more like a pretext. She remembered that from the first he +had depreciated Fan, and had sometimes shown irritation at her visiting +them; did he fear that some disagreeable secret of his past life, known +to Fan, might be betrayed by her? It was a painful suspicion and made +her silent. + +Merton was also silent; to himself he said, "I knew that it would grieve +her a little at first, but she is not unreasonable, and in a short time +she will come round to my opinion. The girl is well enough, but not a +fit associate for my wife, and it is better to get rid of-her now before +making new friends." + +At half-past ten o'clock Constance, still silent, took her candle and +went to her bedroom, still with that secret trouble gnawing at her +heart. + +Merton found a book and read until past twelve, and then came to +the conclusion that the author was an ass. It happened that he knew +something about the author; he knew, for instance, that he was a married +man, and lived in a pretty house at Richmond, and gave garden-parties, +to which a great many well-known people went. Well, if this scribbler +could make enough by his twaddling books to live in that style, what +might not he, Merton, make? + +His wife's entrance just then interrupted his pleasant thoughts. She +had risen from her bed after lying awake two or three hours, and came +in with a light wrapper over her nightdress, and her hair unbound on her +shoulders. "Is it not getting very late, Merton?" she asked. + +"Connie, come here," he said, regarding her with some surprise, and then +drawing her on to his knee. "My dear girl, you have been crying." + +"Yes, ever since I went to bed. But I didn't think you would notice, I +did not mean you to know it." + +"Why not, darling? I am very sorry that what I said about Fan distresses +you so much. But why should you hide any grief, little or great, from +me, dearest?" he added, caressing her hair. + +"I have never hidden anything from you, Merton, only to-night I felt +strongly inclined to conceal what was in my mind. Let me tell you what +it is; and will you, Merton, on your part, be as open with me and show +the same confidence in my love that I have in yours?" + +"Assuredly I will, Connie. We shall never be happy if we hide anything +from each other." + +"Then, Merton, I must tell you that your readiness in resenting that +little fault of Fan's, and making it a cause for separating us, makes me +suspect that there is something behind it which you have kept from me. +Tell me, Merton, and do not be afraid to tell me if my suspicion is +correct, is there anything in your past life you wished to keep from me +and which is known to Fan, and might come to my knowledge through her?" + +"No, Connie, there is absolutely nothing in my past that I would +hesitate to tell you. If I had had any painful secret I should have told +it to you when I asked you to be my wife, and I am surprised that such +a suspicion should have entered your mind. But I am very glad that you +have told me of it. You shall send for Fan and question her yourself, +for I presume you have never done so before, and after that you will +perhaps cease to doubt me." + +"I do not doubt your word, Merton, and trust and believe that I never +shall doubt the truth of what you say. To question Fan about you--that I +could not do, even if the suspicion still lived, but it is over now, and +you must forgive me for having entertained it." + +"Perhaps it was not altogether strange, Connie, since you attach so +little importance to these distinctions. But they are very important +nevertheless, and in this keen struggle for life, and for something more +than a bare subsistence, we cannot afford to hamper ourselves in any +way. I am quite sure that, even if I had spoken no word, you would have +discovered after a while that this is an inconvenient friendship. I have +known it all along, but have not hitherto spoken about it for fear of +paining you. But do not distress yourself any more to-night, Connie; let +things remain as they are at present, if it is your wish." + +"My wish, Merton! My chief wish is never to do anything of which you +would disapprove. Do I need to remind you that I have never opposed +a wish of mine to yours? I could not let things remain as they are at +present while you think as you do. It will be a great grief to me to +lose Fan, but while you are in this mind I would not ask her to come and +see me again, even if you were a thousand miles from home." + +"Then, dear wife, let us think it over for two or three days, and when +I have got over this little vexation, if I see any reason to change my +mind I shall let you know in good time." + +And so for the moment the matter ended; but two or three days passed, +and then two or three more, and Merton still kept silence on the +subject. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + +A fortnight went by. Fan, occupied in her shop and happy enough, except +once when she encountered the grisly manager's terrible eyes on her: +then she trembled and glanced down at her dress, fearing that it had +looked rusty or out of shape to him; for in that establishment a heavy +fine or else dismissal would be the lot of any girl who failed to look +well-dressed. Constance, for the most part sitting solitary at home, +trying in vain to write something that would meet the views of some +editor. Merton, busy running about, full to overflowing of all the +things he intended doing. Eden, doing nothing: only thinking, which, in +his case at all events, was "but an idle waste of thought." So inactive +was he at this period, and so much tobacco did he consume to assist his +mental processes, that he grew languid and pale. His friends remarked +that he was looking seedy. This made him angry--very angry for so slight +a cause; and he thought that of all the intolerable things that have to +be put up with this was the worst--that people should remark to a man +that he is looking seedy, when the seediness is in the soul, and the +cause of it a secret of which he is ashamed. + +At the end of the fortnight he became convinced that his feeling for the +delicate girl with the pathetic grey eyes was no passing fancy, but a +passion that stirred him as he had never been stirred before, and he +resolved to possess her in spite of the fact that he had met her in his +friend's house. + +"Let the great river bear me to the main," he said; although bad, he +was too honest to quote the other line, feeling that he had not striven +against the stream. + +Having got so far, he began to consider what the first step was to be in +this enterprise of great pith and moment. For although the insanity of +passionate desire possessed him, he was not going to spoil his chances +by acting in a hurry, or doing anything without the most careful +consideration. The desire to see her again was very insistent, and +by strolling up the street in which she lived in the evening he might +easily have met her, by chance as it were, returning from her shop, but +he would not do that. An enterprise of this kind seemed to him like one +of those puzzle-games in which if a right move is made at first the game +may be won, however many blundering moves may follow; but if the first +move is wrong, then by no possible skill and care can the desired end be +reached. + +He recalled their conversation about novels, and remembered the titles +of five popular works he had mentioned which Miss Affleck had not read. +These works he ordered in the six-shilling form, and then spent the best +part of a day cutting the leaves and knocking the books about to give +them the appearance of having been used. He also wrote his name in them, +in each case with some old date; and finally, to make the deception +complete, spilt a little ink over the cover of one volume, dropped some +cigar-ash between the leaves of a second, and concealed a couple of old +foreign letters on thin paper in a third. Then he tied them up together +and sent them to her by a messenger with the following letter: + + +DEAR MISS AFFLECK, + +I have just been looking through my bookshelves, and was pleased to find +that I had some of the novels we spoke about the other evening, which, +if I remember rightly, you said that you had not read. It was lucky I +had so many, as my friends have a habit of carrying off my books and +forgetting to return them. If you will accept the loan of them, do not +be in a hurry to return them; they will be safer in your keeping than in +mine, and one or two, I think, are almost worth a second perusal. + +I must not let slip this opportunity, as another might not occur for a +long time, of saying something about our friends at Norland Square. I +saw Merton the day after meeting you, but not since; nor have I heard +from him. I know now that he lost his appointment at the Foreign Office +through his own folly, and that most of his friends have dropped him. I +do honestly think that Mrs. Chance has made a terrible mistake; I pity +her very much. But things may not after all turn out altogether badly, +and if Merton has any good in him he ought to show it now, when he has +such a woman as your friend for a wife and companion. At all events, +I have made up my mind--and this is another secret, Miss Affleck--to +forget all about the past and do what I can to assist him. Not only for +auld lang syne, for we were great friends at school, but also for his +wife's sake. My only fear is that he will keep out of my sight, but +perhaps I am doing him an injustice in thinking so. But as you will +continue to see your friend, may I ask you to let me know should they +at any time be in very straitened circumstances, or in any trouble, or +should they go away from Norland Square? I do hope you will be able to +promise me this. + +Believe me, dear Miss Affleck, + +Yours sincerely, + +ARTHUR EDEN. + + +To this letter, the writing of which, it is only right to say, actually +caused Mr. Eden to blush once or twice, Fan at once replied, thanking +him for the parcel of books. "I must also thank you," the letter said, +"for telling me to keep them so long, as there is so much to read in +them, and my reading time is only when I am at leisure in the evening. I +shall take great care of them, as I think from their look that you like +to keep your books very clean." In answer to the second part of his +letter she wrote: "I scarcely know what to reply to what you say about +the Chances. Constance and I are such great friends that I am almost +ashamed to discuss her affairs with anyone else, as I am sure that she +would be very much hurt if she knew it. And yet I must promise to do +what you ask. I do not think it would be right to refuse after what you +have said, and I am very glad that Mr. Chance has one kind friend left +in you." + +Eden was well satisfied at the result of his first move. There would +have to be a great many more moves before the pretty game ended, but he +now had good reason to hope for a happy ending. + +She had accepted his offer of his friendship, the loan of his books, and +had written him a letter which he liked so much that he read it several +times. It was a sunshiny April morning, and after breakfasting he went +out for a stroll, feeling a strange lightness of heart--a sensation like +that which a good man experiences after an exercise of benevolence. And +the feeling actually did take the form of benevolence, and no single +pair of hungry wistful eyes met his in vain during that morning's walk +until he had expended the whole of his small change. "Poor wretches!" +he thought, "I couldn't have imagined there was so much misery and +starvation about." His heart was overflowing with happiness and love +for the entire human race. "After all," he continued, "I don't think I'm +half as bad as that impudent conscience of mine sometimes tries to make +out. I know lots of fellows who sink any amount of money in betting and +other things and never think to give sixpence to a beggar. Of course no +one can be perfect, everyone _must_ have some vice. But I don't +quite look on mine as a vice. Some wise man has called it an amiable +weakness--that's about as good a description as we can have." + +Passing along a quiet street where the houses were separated from the +pavement by gardens and stone balustrades, he noticed a black cat seated +on the top of a pillar, its head thrown far back, and its wide-open +eyes, looking like balls of yellow fire, fixed on a sparrow perched high +above on the topmost twig of a tall slender tree. "Puss, puss," said +Eden, speaking to the animal almost unconsciously, and without pausing +in his walk. Down instantly leapt the cat, inside the wall, and dashing +through the shrubbery, shot ahead of him, and springing on to the +balustrade thrust its head forward to catch a passing caress. He touched +the soft black head with his fingers, and passed on with a little laugh. +"An instance of the magical effect of kindness," he soliloquised. "That +cat sees more enemies than friends among the passers-by--the boy whose +soul delights in persecuting a strange cat, and the young man with that +most insolent and aggressive little beast a fox-terrier at his heels. +And yet quick as lightning it understood the tone I spoke to it in, +although the voice was strange, and shot past me and came out just for +a pat on the head. A very sagacious cat; and yet I really felt +no particular kindness towards it; the tone was only assumed. Its +statuesque figure attracted me, as it sat there like a cat carved out +of ebony, with two fiery splendid gems for eyes. I admired the beauty of +the thing, that was all. And as with cats so it is with women. Let them +once think that you are kind, and you have a great advantage. You may +do almost anything after that; your kindness covers it all.... What +an impudent juggler, and what an outrageous fibber, this confounded +conscience is! I may not have felt any great kindness for black pussy +when I spoke to her, but between that and carrying her home under my +coat to vivisect her at leisure there is a vast difference. If I am ever +unkind in act or word or deed to that sweet girl--no, the idea is too +absurd! I can feel nothing but kindness for her, and if I felt convinced +that I could not make her happy, then I would resign her at once, hard +as that would be." + +That same evening Eden received a second letter from Fan, but very +short, enclosing the two foreign letters, which she had just found in +one of his books. This was only what he had expected. He replied, also +briefly, thanking her for sending the letters, and for the promise she +had given, and there for the moment he allowed the affair to rest. + +Meanwhile Fan was every day expecting an invitation to Norland Square, +and she was deeply disappointed and surprised when a whole week passed +with no letter from Constance. Then a long letter came, which troubled +her a good deal, for she was not asked to go to Norland Square, and no +meeting was arranged, but, on the contrary, she was left to infer that +there would be no meeting for some time to come. A photograph and a +postal order for five shillings were enclosed in the letter, and about +these Constance wrote: "I send you the photo you have so often expressed +a wish to have, and I think you ought to feel flattered, for I have +not been taken before since I was fifteen years old; I don't like the +operation. I think it flatters me, and Merton says that it does not do +me justice, so that it cannot be quite like me, but it will serve well +enough to refresh your memory of me when we are separated for any length +of time. But it is so painful to me to think of losing sight of you +altogether that I have no heart to say more about that just now. Only I +_must_ have your photo: I cannot wait long for it, and you must forgive +me, dearest Fan, for sending the money to have it taken at once. I know, +dear, that you cannot very well afford to spend money on pictures, even +of yourself, and so please don't be vexed with me, but do as I wish; +for since I cannot have you always near me I wish at least to have your +counterfeit presentment. I should like it cabinet size if you can get it +for the money, if not I must have a small vignette, and I hope you will +go to a good man and have it well done, and above all that you will send +it soon." + +There was much more in the letter; a sweeter Fan had never received +from her friend, so much affection did it express; but it also expressed +sadness, and the vague hints of probable changes to come, and a long +separation in it, mystified and troubled her. + +Before many days the photograph, which cost half-a-guinea, was finished +and sent to Constance, with a letter in which Fan begged her friend to +appoint a day for them to meet. + +In the meantime at Norland Square Merton was preparing for a fresh +change in his life, and as usual with a light heart; but in this +instance his wife for the first time had taken the lead. After breakfast +one morning he was getting ready to go to Fleet Street to the office of +a journal there, when Constance asked if she might go with him. + +"Yes, dear, certainly, if you wish to see a little of the life and +bustle of London." + +"I haven't seen much of London yet, and I should so like to have a +little peep at the East End we hear and read so much about just now. +Can't you manage, after your business is finished at the office, to go +with me there on a little exploring expedition?" + +"That's not a bad idea," he returned. "But I shall be lost in that +wilderness, and not know which way to go and what to look for." + +"Then I shall be your guide," she said with a smile. "I've been studying +the map, and reading a book about that part of London, and have marked +out a route for us to follow." + +"All right, Connie, get ready as soon as you like, and we'll have a day +of adventures in the East." + +And as Constance had dressed herself with a view to the journey, she had +only to put on her hat and gloves, and they started at once, taking an +omnibus in the Uxbridge Road to Chancery Lane. From Fleet Street they +went on to Whitechapel, where their travels in a strange region were +to begin. Constance wished in the first place to get some idea of the +extent of that vast district so strangely called East _End,_ as if it +formed but a small part of the great city. The population and number of +tenements, and of miles of streets, were mere rows of figures on a page, +and no help to the mind. Only by seeing it all would she be able to form +any conception of it: she saw a great deal of it in the course of the +day from the tops of omnibuses, and travelled for hours in those long +thoroughfares that seemed to stretch away into infinitude, so that +one finds it hard to believe that nature lies beyond, and fields where +flowers bloom, and last night's dew lies on the untrodden grass. Nor +was she satisfied with only seeing it, or a part of it, in this hasty +superficial way; at various points they left the thoroughfare to stroll +about the streets, and in some of the streets they visited, which were +better than those inhabited by the very poor, Constance entered several +of the houses on the old pretext of seeking lodgings, and made many +minute inquiries about the cost of living from the women she talked +with. + +It was seven o'clock in the evening when they got home; and after +dining Merton lit a cigar and stretched himself out on the sofa of their +sitting-room to recover from his fatigue. His wife was also too tired to +do anything, and settled herself near him in the easy-chair. + +"Well, Connie," he said with a smile, "what is to be the outcome of the +day's adventures? Of course you had an object in dragging one through +that desert desolate." + +"Yes, I had," she answered with a glance at his face. "Can you guess +it?" + +"Perhaps I can. But let me hear it. I shall be so sorry if I have to nip +your scheme in the bud." + +"I think, Merton, it would be a good plan for us to go and live there +for a time. It is better to move about a little and see some of the +things that are going on in this world of London. I am getting a little +tired of the monotony here; besides, just now when we are so poor it +would be a great advantage. I found out to-day that we can get better +rooms than these for about half the sum we are paying. Provisions and +everything we require are also much cheaper there." + +"Yes, dear, that may be, but you forget that the man who aspires to rise +in London must have an address he is not ashamed of. Norland Square is +a poor enough place, but there is at any rate a W. after it. I fancy +it would be very bad economy in the end, just to save a few shillings a +week, to go where there would be an E." + +"I don't quite agree with you, Merton. When we have friends to +correspond with and to visit us, then we can think more about where we +live; I have no desire to settle permanently or for any long time in the +east district. But I have not yet told you the principal reason I +have for wishing to go and live in that part of London for a few +months--weeks if you like." + +"Well, what is it?" + +"I think it will be a great advantage to you, Merton. You will be able +to see and hear for yourself. You speak about East End socialism in the +papers you are writing, but you speak of it, as others do, in a vague +way, as a thing contemptible and yet dangerous to civilisation, or which +might develop into something dangerous. It strikes me that something is +to be gained by studying it more closely, but just now you are dependent +on others for your facts." + +"And you think I could see things better than others?" he said, not ill +pleased. + +"You can at all events see them with your own eyes, and that will be +better than looking at them through other people's spectacles. Besides, +it is a period of rapid transitions, and the picture painted yesterday, +however faithful to nature the artist may have been, no longer +represents things as they exist to-day." + +"You are right there." + +"And if you go to the East End with the avowed object of studying +certain phenomena and ascertaining certain facts for yourself, to use in +your articles, I don't think that your residence there would prejudice +you in any way." + +"No, of course not. Why, the thing is done every day by well-known +men--brilliant writers some of them--men who are run after by Mr. +Knowles. It is a good idea, Connie, and I am glad you suggested it. The +spread of socialism in London is a grand subject. Of course I know all +about the arguments of the wretched crew of demagogues engaged in this +propaganda. I could easily, to quote De Quincey's words, 'bray their +fungous heads to powder with a lady's fan, and throttle them between +heaven and earth with my finger and thumb.' But we want to know just +how far their doctrines, or whatever they call their crack-brained +fantasies, have taken root in the minds of the people, and what the +minds are like, and what the outcome of it all is to be. If we go to the +East End, and I don't see why we shouldn't, as soon as we find ourselves +settled there I shall begin to go about a great deal among the people, +and attend the meetings of the social democrats, and listen to the wild +words of their orators, and note the effect of what they say on their +hearers What do you say, Connie?" + +"I shall be ready to pack up and follow you any day, Merton. And I think +that I might assist you a little; at all events I shall try, and +go about among the women and listen to what they say while you are +listening to the men." + +Merton was delighted. "You have a prophetic soul, Connie," he said, "and +I shall be as much astonished as yourself if something grand doesn't +come of this. A great thing in my favour is that I can generally manage +to get at the pith of a thing, while most people can do nothing but +sniff in a hopeless sort of way at the rind. Of course you have noticed +that in me, Connie. I sometimes regret that I am not a barrister, for +I possess the qualities that lead to success in that profession. At the +same time it is a profession that has a very narrowing effect on the +mind--the issues are really in most cases so paltry. Your barrister +never can be a statesman; he has looked at things so closely, to study +the little details, that his eagle vision has changed into the short +sight of the owl. And, by the way, now I think of it, I must have a +little brandy in to-night to drink success to our new scheme." + +"Do you really need brandy, Merton? I thought--" + +"Yes, I really do--to-night. I feel so thoroughly knocked up, Connie; +and now my brain is in such a state of activity that a little brandy +will have no more effect than so much water. Do you know, it is +an ascertained fact in science that alcohol taken when you are +active--either physically or mentally active--does not go off nor remain +in the tissues, but is oxygenised and becomes food. Besides this, I +fancy, will be about the last bottle I shall allow myself, I know that +you are a Sir Wilfred Lawsonite, and I am determined to respect all your +little prepossessions. Not that you have much to thank me for in this +case, for I really care very little about strong waters." + +He rang the bell, and gave the servant-girl six shillings to get a +bottle of Hennessy's brandy. With that bottle of brandy looking very +conspicuous on the table, and her husband more talkative and in need of +her companionship than ever, Constance could not go away to her room, +as she would have liked to do, to be alone with that dull pain at her +heart--the sorrow and sense of shame--or perhaps to forget it in sleep. +She sat on with him into the small hours, while that oxygenising process +was going on, listening, smiling at the right time, entering into all +his plans, and even assisting him to find a startling title for the +series of brilliant articles on the true condition of the East End, +about which all London would no doubt soon be talking. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + +Constance did not reply immediately to Fan's letter, which came to her +with the photograph, but first completed her preparations for leaving +Notting Hill. A visit from her friend was what she most feared, and the +thought of the overwhelming confusion she would feel in the presence of +the guileless girl, and of further and still more painful duplicity on +her part, had the effect of hastening her movements. Before Merton's +enthusiasm had had time to burn itself out--that great blaze which had +nothing but a bundle of wood-shavings to sustain it--they were ready to +depart. But the letter must be written--that sad farewell letter which +for ever or for a long period of time would put an end to their sweet +intercourse; and it was with a heavy heart that Constance set herself to +the task. She herself had gone into the shop to seek an engagement for +her friend, and had been pleased at the result--it had not made a shadow +of difference between them; now, when she thought that she was about to +cast the girl off, although in obedience to her husband's wishes, for +this very thing, her cheeks were on fire with shame, her heart filled +with grief. Brave and honest though she was, she could not in this +instance bear to tell the plain truth. They were hurriedly leaving +Norland Square, she said; they were going away--she did not say how far, +but left the other to infer that it was to a great distance. In their +new home they would be engaged in work which would occupy all their +time, all their thoughts, so that even their correspondence would have +to be suspended. + +Their separation would be for a long time--she could not say how long, +but the thought of it filled her with grief, and she had not the courage +to meet Fan to say good-bye. Such partings between dear friends were so +unspeakably sad! There was much more in the letter, and the writer said +all she could to soften the unkind blow she was constrained to inflict. +But when Fan read it, after recovering from her first astonishment, her +heart sank within her. For now it seemed that her second friend, +not less dearly loved than the first, was also lost. A keen sense of +loneliness and desolation came over her, which sadly recalled to her +mind the days when she had wandered homeless and hungry through the +streets of Paddington, and again, long afterwards, when she had been +treacherously enticed away from Dawson Place. + +Not until two days after receiving this letter, which she had read a +hundred times and sadly pondered over during the interval, did she +write to Arthur Eden; she could delay writing no longer, since she had +promised to let him know if anything happened at Norland Square. She +wrote briefly, and the reply came very soon. + + +MY DEAR MISS AFFLECK, + +I am much concerned at what you tell me, and fear that Merton has got +into serious trouble. He is not deserving of much pity, I am afraid, but +I do feel sorry for his wife. That she should not have given you her new +address is a curious circumstance, as you say, and a rather disagreeable +one. I can understand their hiding themselves from a creditor, or +any other obnoxious person, but to hide themselves from you seems a +senseless proceeding. However, don't let us judge them too hastily. I +shall send off a note at once to Merton, addressed to Norland Square, +asking him to lunch with me at my club on Saturday next. No doubt he has +left an address with his landlady where letters are to be forwarded, and +if he is out of town, as you imagine, there will be time to get a reply +before Saturday; but I am sure he has not left London, and that I shall +see him. He knows that he has nothing to fear from me, and when he +learns that I am willing to assist him he will perhaps tell me what +the trouble is. Of course I shall not tell him that I have been in +communication with you. Will you be so good as to meet me in the +Regent's Park--near the Portland Road Station entrance--at eleven +o'clock next Sunday? and I shall then let you hear the result. + +Yours very sincerely, + +ARTHUR EDEN. + + +It was with a little shock of pleasure that Fan read this letter, so +ready had the writer been to show his sympathy, and so perfectly in +accord were their thoughts; and if these new benevolent designs of Mr. +Eden were to succeed, then how great a satisfaction it would always be +to her to think that she had been instrumental, in a secret humble +way, in her friend's deliverance from trouble! She thought it a little +strange that Mr. Eden should wish to tell her the news he would have by +word of mouth instead of by letter; but the prospect of a meeting +was not unpleasant. On the contrary, it consoled her to know that the +disappearance of Constance had not cast her wholly off from that freer, +sweeter, larger life she had known at Dawson Place and at Eyethorne, +which had made her so happy. A link with it still existed in this +new friendship; and although Arthur Eden could not take the place of +Constance in her heart, from among his own sex fate could not have +selected a more perfect friend for her. The link was a slender one, and +in the future there would probably be no meetings and few letters, but +in spite of that he was and always would be very much to her. With +these thoughts occupying her mind she wrote thanking him for his ready +response to her letter, and promising to meet him on the ensuing Sunday. + +When the day at length arrived she set out at half-past ten to keep the +appointment, with many misgivings, not however because she, a pretty +unprotected shop-girl, was going to meet a young gentleman, but solely +on account of the weather. All night and at intervals during the morning +there had been torrents of rain, and though the rain had ceased now the +sky still looked dark and threatening. Unfortunately her one umbrella +was getting shabby, and matched badly with hat, gloves, shoes and dress, +all of which were satisfactory. Mr. Eden, she imagined, judging from his +appearance, was a little fastidious about such things, and in the end +she determined to risk going without the umbrella. When she passed +Portland Road Station, and the sky widened to her sight in the open +space, there were signs of coming fair weather to cheer her; the +fresh breeze felt dry to the skin, the clouds flew swiftly by, and at +intervals the sun appeared, not fiery and dazzling, but like a silver +shield suspended above, rayless and white as the moon, and after +throwing its chastened light over the wet world for a few moments the +flying vapours would again obscure it. She was early, but had scarcely +entered the park before Mr. Eden joined her. The pleasure which shone +in his eyes when he advanced to greet her made her think that he was the +bearer of welcome news; he divined as much, and hastened to undeceive +her. + +"I know that you are anxious to hear the result of my inquiries," he +said, "but you must prepare for a disappointment, Miss Affleck." + +"You have something bad to tell me?" + +"No, I have nothing to tell. My letter to Merton was returned to me on +Friday through the dead letter post. They've gone and left no address. +To make quite sure, I went to Norland Square yesterday to see the +landlady, and she says that they left ten days ago, and that Mr. Chance +told her that he had written to all his correspondents to give them his +new address, and that if any letter came for him or his wife she was to +return it to the postman. Of course she does not know where they have +gone." + +Fan was deeply disappointed, and still conversing on this one subject, +they continued walking for an hour about the park, keeping to the paths. + +"You must not distress yourself, Miss Affleck," said her companion. "The +thing is no greater a mystery now than it was a week ago, and you must +have arrived at the conclusion as long ago as that, that the Chances +wished to sever their connection with you." + +"Do you think that, Mr. Eden--do you think that Constance really wishes +to break off with me? It would be so unlike her." There were tears in +her voice if not in her eyes as she spoke. + +He did not answer her question at once. They were now close to the +southern entrance to the Zoological Gardens. + +"Let's go in through this gate," he said. "In there we shall be able to +find shelter if it rains." He had tickets of admission in his pocket, +and passing the stile Fan found herself in that incongruous wild animal +world set in the midst of a world of humanity. A profusion of flowers +met her gaze on every side, but she looked beyond the variegated beds, +blossoming shrubs, and grass-plats sprinkled with patches of gay colour, +to the huge unfamiliar animal forms of which she caught occasional +glimpses in the distance. For she had never entered the Gardens before, +this being the one great sight in London which Mary and her brother +Tom had forgotten to show her. And since her return to town she had +not ventured to go there alone, although living so near to the Regent's +Park. Walking there on Sundays, when there was no admission to the +public, she had often paused to listen with a feeling of wonder to +the strange sounds that issued from the enchanted enclosure--piercing +screams of eagles and of cranes; the muffled thunder of lions, mingled +with sharp yells from other felines; and wolf-howls so dismal and long +that they might have been wafted to her all the way from Oonalaska's +shore. + +Mr. Eden appeared not to notice the curious glances as he paced +thoughtfully by her side, and presently he recalled her to the subject +they had been discussing. + +"Miss Affleck," he said, "has there been any disagreement, or have you +heard any word from Merton or Mrs. Chance which might have led you to +think that they contemplated breaking off their acquaintance with you?" + +In answer she told him about the letter from Constance asking for her +photograph. + +"Where did you have your picture taken?" he asked somewhat irrelevantly. + +Fan told him, and as he said nothing she added, "But why do you ask +that, Mr. Eden?" + +He could not tell her that he intended going to the photographer, whose +name he had just heard, to secure a copy of her picture for his own +pleasure, and so he answered: + +"It merely occurred to me to ask just to know whether you had gone by +chance to one of the good men I could have recommended. It is evident +that when Mrs. Chance wrote to you in that way she had already planned +this separation. Whatever her motives may have been, it is certainly +hard on you; and I scarcely need assure you, Miss Affleck, that you have +my heartfelt sympathy." + +"You are very kind, Mr. Eden," she returned, scarcely able to repress +the tears that rose to her eyes. + +After an interval of silence he said: + +"If you still wish to find out their address, the quickest way would be +to write to your friend's home. Merton told me that you lived for a year +with his wife's people in Hampshire or Dorset." + +"Yes, in Wiltshire. But I know that Constance has not corresponded with +her mother since her marriage. Perhaps you are right in what you said, +Mr. Eden, that they wish--not to know me any longer." + +He turned away from the wistful, questioning look in her eyes, and only +remarked, "I shall find it hard to forgive them this." + +"But I can't believe that Constance would do anything unkind," she +replied, somewhat illogically. + +"No. But Constance is not herself--her real self now, she is Merton's +wife." + +"Then you think that Constance--yes, perhaps you are right"; and then in +a pathetic tone she added, "I have no friend now." + +"Do not say that, Miss Affleck! Do you not remember that on the occasion +of our first meeting you promised to regard me as a friend?" + +"Yes, I do, and I feel very grateful for your kindness to me. When I +said that I meant a lady friend.... That is such a different kind of +friendship. And--and you could never be like one of the two friends I +have lost." + +"Two, Miss Affleck! I did not know that you had had the misfortune to +lose more than one." + +"The first was the lady I lived with in London before I went to the +Churtons'." + +"Oh, yes, I see what you mean. It was a great loss to you in one sense, +but of course you couldn't have the same feeling about her as in the +case of Mrs. Chance. She was, I understand, a toothless old hag, more +than half-crazy--" + +"Half-crazy! Toothless! Old! What do you mean, Mr. Eden? She is young +and beautiful, and though I am nothing to her now I love her still with +all my heart." + +He looked at her with the utmost surprise, and then burst into a laugh. + +"Forgive me for laughing, Miss Affleck," he said. "But I remember now it +was Merton who described her to me as a made-up old lady who ought to +be in an asylum. How stupid of me to believe anything that fellow ever +says, even when he has no motive for being untruthful!" + +Fan also laughed, she could not help laughing in spite of the intense +indignation she felt against Mary's rejected suitor for libelling her in +such an infamous manner. + +"Do you know that it is beginning to rain?" he said, holding his +umbrella over her head. "We must go in there and wait until it pauses." + +It was one o'clock, and the refreshment rooms had just opened. Fan was +conducted into the glittering dining-saloon, and was persuaded to join +her companion in a rather sumptuous luncheon, and to drink a glass of +champagne. + +Occasional showers prevented them leaving for some time, and it was +nearly four o'clock when they finally left the Gardens, Fan again +staring curiously round her. + +"Mr. Eden," she asked, pointing to a large, blue, cow-like creature, +with goat's horns and a hump, "will you tell me what that animal is?" + +"I am not sure quite that I can," he replied with a slight laugh. "Its +name is as outlandish as itself--gnu, or yak, or perhaps Jamrach." + +The reply was not very satisfactory, and she felt a little disappointed +that he did not turn aside to let her look at it, or at any of the other +strange beasts and birds near them; but just after leaving he remarked +in a casual way: + +"I suppose you are quite familiar with the Gardens, Miss Affleck?" + +"Oh, no, I have never been in them before to-day." + +"Really! Then how sorry I am that I did not know sooner! We might have +gone in and seen the lions, and monkeys, while it was raining. However, +we could not have seen very much to-day, and if you can manage to come +next Sunday I shall be so glad to show you everything." Seeing that she +hesitated, he added, "I shall make some inquiries during the week, and +may have something to tell you next Sunday if you will come." + +That won her consent, and after seeing her to her own door, Eden went on +his way rejoicing, for so far the gods he had once spoken of had shown +themselves favourable. + +During the week that followed Fan thought often enough of her friend's +mysterious conduct towards her; but the remembrance of Mr. Eden's +sympathy lightened the pain considerably, and as the time of that second +meeting, which was to be more pleasant even than the first, drew near, +she began to think less of Constance and more of Arthur Eden. She smiled +to herself when she remembered certain things she had heard about +the danger to young girls in her position in life resulting from the +plausible attentions of idle pleasure-seekers like Mr. Eden; for in his +case there could be no danger. His soul was without guile. She had made +his acquaintance in his own friend's house, and it was not in her nature +to suspect evil designs which did not appear in a person's manner and +conversation. If he had been her brother--that ideal brother whose +kindness is un-mixed with contempt for so poor a creature as a +sister--his manner could not have been more free from any suggestion of +a feeling too warm in character. Walking home with her from the park +he had spoken with some melancholy of the changes which the end of the +London season--happily not yet near--must always bring. He still +had thoughts of going abroad, but it saddened him to think that when +returning after a long absence he would be sure to miss some friendly +faces--hers perhaps among others. And all the words he had spoken on +this subject, in his tender musical voice, were treasured in her memory. +He was more to her, far more, she thought, than she could ever be to +him. Only for a time would he remember her face, his life was so full, +his friends so many, but she would not forget, and the pleasant hours +she now spent in his company would shine bright in memory in future +years. + +When the eagerly-wished Sunday at last arrived, the spring weather was +perfect. Even London on that morning had the softest of blue skies above +it, with far-up ethereal clouds, white as angels' wings, a brilliant +sunshine, and a breeze elastic yet warm, laden with the perfume of lilac +and may. Fan smiled at her own image in the glass, pleased to think that +she looked well in her new spring hat and dress; and at ten o'clock, +when Mr. Eden met her at the appointed place, and regarded her with +keen critical eyes as she advanced to him under her light sunshade, his +satisfaction was not unmingled with a secret pang, a sudden "conscience +fit," which, however, did not last long. The fashionable tide did not +just then set very strongly towards the Gardens on Sundays, but he felt +with some pride that he could safely appear anywhere in London with Miss +Affleck at his side, and although his friends would not know her, they +would never suspect that in her he had picked up one of the "lower +orders." + +While walking across the park they conversed once more about their +vanished friends. Eden had no news to tell, but still cherished hopes +of being able to discover their retreat. When they were once inside the +Gardens, Fan soon forgot everything except the pleasure of the moment. +She could not have had a better guide than her companion, for beside +a fair knowledge of wild animal life, he had the pleasant faculty of +seeing things in a humorous light. And above everything, he knew his +way about, and could show her many little mysterious things, hidden away +behind jealously-guarded doors, of which he had the keys, and pretty +bird performances and amusing mammalian comedies, all of which are +missed by the casual visitor. The laughing jackasses laughed their +loudest, almost frightening her with their weird cachinnatory chorus; +and the laughing hyaena screamed his sepulchral ha-ha-ha's so that he +was heard all the way to Primrose Hill. Pelicans, penguins, darters and +seals captured and swallowed scores of swift slippery fishes for her +pleasure. She was taken to visit the "baby" in its private apartment, +and saw him at close quarters, not without fear and shrinking, for +the baby was as big as a house--the leviathan of the ancients, as some +think. Into its vast open mouth she dropped a bun, which was like giving +a grain of rice to a hungry human giant. Then she was made to take a +large armful of green clover and thrust it into the same yawning red +cavern; and having done so she started quickly back for fear of being +swallowed alive along with the grass. Mr. Eden spent a small fortune on +buns, nuts, and bon-bons for the animals, and she fed everything, from +the biggest elephant and the most tree-like giraffe to the smallest +harvest mouse. But it was most curious with an eagle they looked at. + +"Give it a bun," said Eden. + +"You shall not laugh at my ignorance this time," said Fan. "I _know_ +that eagles eat nothing but flesh." + +"Quite right," said he, "but if you will offer it a bun he will gladly +eat it." And as he persisted, she, still incredulous, offered the bun, +which the eagle seized in his crooked claws, and devoured with immense +zest. Fan was amazed, and Eden said triumphantly, "There, I told you +so." + +Long afterwards she was alone one day in the Gardens, and going to the +eagle's cage, and feeling satisfied that no one was looking, offered +a bun to an eagle. The bird only stared into her face with its fierce +eyes, as much as to say, "Do you take me for a monkey, or what? You are +making a great mistake, young woman." It happened that someone _did_ see +her--a rude man, who burst into a loud laugh; and Fan walked away with +crimson cheeks, and the mystery remained unexplained. Perhaps someone +has compassionately enlightened her since. + +In the snake-house a brilliant green tree-snake of extraordinary length +was taken from its box by the keeper, and Eden wound it twice round +her waist; and looking down on that living, coiling, grass-green +sash, knowing that it was a serpent, and yet would do her no harm, she +experienced a sensation of creepy delight which was very novel, and +curious, and mixed. The kangaroos were a curious people, resembling +small donkeys with crocodile tails, sitting erect on their haunches, and +moving about with a waltzing hop, which was both graceful and comical. +One of them, oddly enough, had a window in the middle of its stomach +out of which a baby kangaroo put its long-eared head and stared at them, +then popped it in again and shut the window. The secretary-bird proved +himself a grand actor; he marched round his cage, bowed two or three +times to Fan, then performed the maddest dance imaginable, leaping +and pounding the floor with his iron feet, just to show how he broke a +serpent's back in South Africa. + +From the monkey-house and its perpetual infinitely varied pantomime they +were conducted into a secret silent chamber, where an interesting event +had recently occurred, and Mrs. Monkey, who was very aristocratic and +exclusive, received only a few privileged guests. They found her +sitting up in bed and nursing an infant that looked exceedingly ancient, +although the keeper solemnly assured Fan that it was only three +days old. Mrs. Monkey gravely shook hands with her visitors, and +condescendingly accepted a bon-bon, which she ate with great dignity, +and an assumption of not caring much about it. + +"Don't you think, Miss Affleck," said Eden, sinking his voice, "that you +ought to say something complimentary--that the little darling looks like +its mamma, for instance, even if you can't call it pretty?" + +Fan laughed merrily, whereat Mrs. Monkey flew into a rage, and seemed +so inclined to commit an assault on her visitors, that they were glad to +make a hasty retreat. + +In the blithe open air Fan observed, when she had recovered her gravity: + +"How good the keepers are to take so much trouble to show us things!" + +"Thanks to you," he replied, hypocritically. "If I had come alone they +wouldn't have troubled to show _me_ things." + +Then they roused the nocturnal animals from their slumbers in the +straw--the wingless apteryx, like a little armless man with a very long +nose; the huge misshapen earthy-looking ant-bear, and those four-footed +Rip Van Winkles, the quaint, rusty, blear-eyed armadillos. But the giant +ant-eater was the most wonderful, for he walked on his knuckles, and +strode majestically about, for all the world like a mammalian peacock, +exhibiting his great tail. They also saw his tongue, like a yard of +pink ribbon drawn out by an invisible hand from the tip of his long +cucumber-shaped head. In the parrot-house the shrieking of a thousand +parrots and cockatoos, all trying to shriek each other down, drove them +quickly out. + +"I am sorry my nerves are not stronger, but really I can't stand it, Mr. +Eden," said Fan, apologetically. + +He laughed. "It's a great row, but not a very sublime one," he answered. +"By-and-by we shall hear something better." And by-and-by they were in +the great lion-house, where the prisoner kings and nobles are, barred +and tawny and striped and spotted, and with flaming yellow eyes. They +were all striding up and down, raging with hunger, for it was near the +feeding-time; and suddenly a lion roared, and then others roared; and +royal tigers, and jaguars, and pumas, and cheetahs, and leopards joined +in with shrieks and with yells, and the awful chorus of the feline +giants grew louder, like the continuous roar of near thunder, until the +whole vast building shook and the solid earth seemed to tremble beneath +them. And Fan also trembled and grew white with fear, and implored her +companion to take her out. If she had shouted her loudest he could not +have heard a sound, but he saw her lips moving, and her pallor, and +led her out; yet no sooner was she out than she wished to return, so +wonderful and so glorious did it seem to stand amidst that awful tempest +of sound! + +Thus passed Fan's day, seeing much of animal life, and with welcome +intervals of rest, when they had a nice little dinner in the refreshment +rooms, or sat for an hour on the shady lawn, where Mr. Eden smoked his +cigar, and related some of his adventures in distant lands. + +"You have given me so much pleasure, Mr. Eden--I have spent a very happy +day," said Fan, on their walk back to her humble lodgings. + +"And I, Miss Affleck?" + +"You know it all so well; it could not be so much to you," she returned. + +"Have I not been happy then?" + +"Yes, I think you have," she answered. "But you were happy principally +because you were giving pleasure to someone else." + +"I think," he said, without directly answering her words, "that when I +am far from England again, and see things that are as unfamiliar to me +as this has been to you, which people come from the ends of the earth +to look at, it will all seem very dull and insipid to me when I remember +the pleasure I have had to-day." + +For many days past he had in imagination been saying a thousand pretty +and passionate things to Fan--rehearsing little speeches suitable for +every occasion. + +And now this little laborious round-about speech, about going abroad, +the pleasures of memory, and the rest of it, which might mean anything +or nothing, was the only speech he could make. And she did not reply to +it. + +"Perhaps," thought Eden, as he walked away after leaving her at her +door, "she understood the feeling, but waited to hear it expressed a +little more clearly." Time would show, but it struck him on this evening +that he had made little progress since the first meeting at Norland +Square, and he thought with little satisfaction of his neglected +opportunities, or, as he called them, his sins of omission. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + +To Fan's mind there was no note of warning in that little vague +complimentary speech, and she thought nothing at all about it. It is +quite impossible for a man to talk all day without saying meaningless +if not foolish things, unless he happens to be a very solemn prig who +carefully considers his words and lays them down like dominoes; and Eden +was not that. His naturalness was his great charm, and she judged his +feelings from her own; his simple transparent kindliness was enough to +account for all his attentions to her. After that day at the Zoological +Gardens she met him on other Sundays and Saturday afternoons, and also +received some letters from him, and more books, all like the first in a +wonderfully clean and well-kept condition. + +One summer day Eden went to the City, a very unusual thing for him to +do, and while making his way towards Cheapside through the hurrying +crowd of pedestrians filling the narrow thoroughfare of St. Paul's +Churchyard, he all at once came face to face with the long-lost Merton +Chance. Involuntarily both started and stopped short on coming together. +It was impossible to avoid speaking, which would have happened if +they had recognised each other at a suitable distance. "Eden, is it +possible!" "Chance, how glad I am to see you!" were the words they +exclaimed at the same moment, as they clasped hands with fictitious +warmth; and then, to avoid the crowd, Merton drew his friend aside +through one of the open gates into the cathedral garden. + +"Just back again from a trip to the Hindoo Koosh or the Mountains of the +Moon, I suppose?" cried Merton with overflowing gaiety. + +"I have not been out of London as it happens," said Eden. "As you might +have known if you had sent me your address. I wrote to you at Norland +Square several weeks ago, asking you to lunch with me one day at the +club, and the letter was returned through the Dead Letter Office, marked +'Gone away--no address.'" + +"Ah, yes, I forgot to send you my new address at the time, and ever +since moving I have been so overwhelmed with work and a hundred other +things that I have really had no time to write. I have been anxiously +looking forward to a few hours of leisure to make up all arrears of the +kind." + +"Well, then, as it is nearly two o'clock perhaps you will lunch with me +to-day. Is there any place close by where we can get something to eat +and drink? I am all at sea when I get as far east as this." + +"Thanks," said Merton, with a laugh. "That just reminds me that I have +had nothing except a cup of tea since seven o'clock this morning. Too +busy even to remember such a thing as food. Yes, there's the Cathedral +Hotel, where you can get anything to eat from locusts and wild honey to +a stalled ox. By the way, since you know so little about East London, +let me take you a little further east; then you will be able to boast +some day that you stood on the volcano and looked down into its seething +crater just before the great eruption. Of course I mean that you will be +able to make that boast if you happen to survive the eruption." + +If Eden had little taste for ordinary enthusiasm, he had still less +for downright madness, and he hastily begged his friend to defer the +volcanic question until after luncheon. Merton's language surprised him, +it seemed so wildly irrational, and uttered with so much seriousness. In +his appearance also there were signs of degeneracy: he was thin and pale +and rather shabbily dressed, and wore a broad-brimmed rusty black felt +hat, which he frequently pulled off only to twist it into some new +disreputable shape and thrust it on again. Over a black half-unbuttoned +waistcoat he wore only a light covert coat, which had long seen its +best days; his boots were innocent of polish. Eden noticed all that, and +remembering that his friend had once been quite as fastidious about his +dress as himself, he was a little shocked at his appearance. + +In a few minutes they were seated at a table where they were served with +an excellent luncheon, with plenty of variety in it, although it did not +include locusts and wild honey. Rather oddly, Merton appeared to have +leisure enough to make the most of it; he studied the menu with the +interest of a professed _gourmet_, freely advised Eden what to eat, and +partook of at least half a dozen different dishes himself. Nor was +he sparing of the wine; and after adjourning to the smoking-room, and +lighting the fragrant Havannah his friend had given him, he declined +coffee but ordered a second bottle of six-shilling claret. + +"It rather surprises me to see a travelled fellow like you, Eden, +drinking English-made coffee," he said. "For my part, until the French +can send it to us as they make it, bottled, I intend to stick to their +light wines." + +All this amused Eden; he liked it better than the wild talk about +impending eruptions, and began to feel rather pleased that he had met +Merton after all. Still, he could not help experiencing some curiosity +about his mysterious friend's way of life; and in spite of prudence he +led the way to this dangerous topic. + +"Just look at this, Eden; this will show you what I am doing. You Pall +Mall gentlemen are living in a fool's paradise--excuse me for putting +it so bluntly--but personally you are my friend, although in our ways +of thought we are as far as the poles asunder." He had taken a newspaper +from his pocket, a small sheet of coarse paper printed with bad type, +and turning and refolding it he handed it to his friend. The article to +which Eden's attention was drawn was headed "A Last Word," and occupied +three columns, and at the foot appeared the name of Merton Chance. + +"I see; but surely you don't expect me to read this now?" said Eden. +"Your last word is a very long one." + +"No, you can put the paper in your pocket to read at your leisure. I +think it will have the effect of opening your eyes, Eden. That you may +escape the wrath to come is my devout wish." + +"Thanks. So you have gone in for the Salvation Army business?" And he +glanced at the title of the paper, but it was not the _War Cry_. _The +Time Has Come_ was the name of the sheet he held in his hand, to which +Merton Chance had the honour to be a contributor. + +"No, Eden," said the other, with a look on his face of such deep and +serious meaning as to be almost tragic. "This is not the war cry you +imagine, but it is a war cry nevertheless. You can shut your ears to +it, if you feel so minded, and persuade yourself that there is no war in +preparation. The streets of London are full of soldiers, but then they +wear no red jackets, and carry no banners, and you needn't know that +they are soldiers at all. You can safely let them march on, since they +march without blare of trumpets and beat of drums." + +"All right, Chance, I'll have a shot at it before going to bed +to-night"; and he was again about to thrust the paper into his pocket, +feeling that he was getting tired of this kind of talk. + +"Wait a moment, Eden," said the other. "I'm afraid you do not quite know +yet what the matter is all about. Allow me to look at the paper again." +Taking it, he found and asked his friend to read a rather long editorial +paragraph. + +This was all about the trumpet-tongued Merton Chance, congratulating +the League on the accession to its ranks of so able a fighter with the +pen--one who was only too ready to handle other weapons in their cause. +It spoke of all he had nobly abandoned--social position, Government +appointment, etc.--to cast in his lot with theirs; his brilliant and +impassioned oratory, pitiless logic, with more in the same strain. + +"I presume this is a socialistic print," said Eden, after reading the +paragraph. "Well, I can't say I congratulate you on your new--departure. +Still, it is something to be thought well of by those you are working +with, and you can't complain that your editor has not laid it on thick +enough in this passage." + +Merton's brows contracted; he did not like this speech, and before +replying swallowed a glass of claret. + +"Eden," he returned, "this is too serious a matter for a jest. But I +do not think that anything is to be gained by discussing it. I should +certainly gain nothing by informing you that everyone has a right to +live, since a certain number of human beings must give up living, or, in +other words, live like dogs, in order that you may have something beyond +the mere necessaries of life--something to make your existence pleasant. +This only I will say. If you are one of those who persistently shut +their eyes to the fact that a change has come, that it will no longer be +as it has been, then all I have to say is, My friend, I have warned you, +and here we part company." + +"But not," thought Eden, "before you have finished your second bottle of +claret." He only said, "I really never had any taste for politics," and +then added, "You have not said, Chance, whether your wife is with you in +this new--departure?" + +"My wife," said Merton, somewhat loftily, "is always with me." But more +than that he did not say about his domestic affairs; nor did he even +think to give his address before they separated. + +Eden did not fail to write to Fan, telling her that he had seen and +talked with Merton, and asking her to meet him at the Marble Arch on +the next Sunday morning, when he would be able to tell her all that had +passed between his friend and himself. She replied on the following day, +promising to meet him, in one of her characteristic letters, which he +always read over a great many times and admired very much, and which +nevertheless had always had the effect of irritating him a little and +making his hope for a time look pale. They were so transparently simple +and straightforward, and expressed so openly the friendly feelings she +had for him. + +"What does she expect, what does she imagine, what does she think in +her own heart?" he said, as he sat holding her letter in his hand. "She +can't surely think that I am going to make a shop-girl my wife, and if +she doesn't hope for that, why has she consented to correspond with me, +to receive the books I send her, and to meet me so frequently? Or does +she believe that this is purely a platonic feeling between us--a mere +friendship such as one man has for another? I don't think so. Platonic +love is purely a delusion of the male mind. Women are colder than we +are, but instinctively they know the character of our feelings better +than we do ourselves. She must know that I love her. And yet she +consents to meet me, and she is, I am sure, a very pure-hearted girl. +How are these seeming contradictions to be reconciled? A philosopher has +said that the mind of a child is a clean sheet of paper on which you may +write what you like. I believe that some women have the power of +keeping their minds in that clean-sheet-of-paper condition for their own +advantage. You may write what you like on the paper, but only after you +have paid for the privilege. Of course, this view takes a good deal of +the romance out of life; but I have to deal with facts as I find them, +and women as a rule are not romantic. At all events, I have come to the +conclusion that Miss Affleck is capable of looking at this thing in +a calm practical way. She will be my friend as long as I am hers; she +loses nothing by it, but gains a little. She will also give me her whole +heart if I ask for it, but not until I have given her something better +than the passion, which may not last, in return. A poor girl, without +friends or relations, and with nothing in prospect but a life of dull +drudgery--perhaps I am willing to give her more, far more, than she +dreams or hopes." + +So ran _his_ dream; and yet when she met him on the Sunday morning with +a smile on her lips and a look of gladness in her eyes, and when he +listened to her voice again, he was troubled with some fresh doubts +about the correctness of his sheet-of-paper theory. + +They walked about a little, and then sat for some time in the shade near +the Grosvenor Gate, while Eden told her everything that Merton had said, +and then made her read Merton's "Last Word" in the socialistic paper. +Then he went over the article, explaining the whole subject to her and +pointing out the writer's errors, which, he said, could only deceive +the very ignorant; but he did not inform her that he had spent two days +working up the subject, all for her benefit. She was made to see that +Merton was wrong in what he said, and that Mr. Eden had a very powerful +intellect; but she confessed ingenuously that she found the subject a +difficult and wearisome one. The intellectual errors of Merton were as +nothing to her compared with the unkindness of her friend in keeping out +of her sight when all the time she was living close by in London. Eden +was secretly glad that she took this view of the matter; from the first +he had felt that a reunion of the girls was the one thing he had +to fear; and now Fan was compelled to believe that her friend had +deliberately thrown her off, and did not wish even to hear from her. + +"Miss Affleck--Fan--may I call you Fan?" he said, and having won her +consent, he continued, "I need not tell you again how much I sympathise +with you, but from the first I saw what you only clearly see now, for +you were not willing to believe that of your friend before. Do you +remember when you first lost her that I begged you to regard me as a +friend? You said that no man could take the place of Constance in your +heart. I did not say anything, but I felt, Fan, that you did not know +what a man's friendship can be. I hoped that you would know it some day; +I hope the day will come when you will be able to say from your heart +that my friendship has been something to you." + +"It has been a great deal to me, Mr. Eden; I should have said so long +ago if I had thought it necessary." + +"It was not necessary, Fan, but it is very pleasant to hear it from your +lips. Will you not call me Arthur?" + +She consented to call him Arthur, and then he proposed a trip to Kew +Gardens. + +"It will be too late if you go home to get your dinner first," he said. +"If you don't mind we will just have a snack when we get there to keep +up our strength. Or let us have it here at once, and then we can give +all our time to the flowers when we get there. They are looking their +best just now." + +She consented, and they adjourned to an hotel close by, where the +"snack" developed into a very elaborate luncheon; and when they slipped +out again a brougham, which Eden had meanwhile ordered, was waiting at +the door to take them. + +The drive down, and rambles about the flower-beds, and visit to the +tropical house, gave Fan great pleasure; and then Eden confessed that he +always found the beauty of Kew, or at all events the flowery portion of +it, a little cloying; he preferred that further part where trees grew, +and the grass was longer, with an occasional weed in it, and where +Nature didn't quite look as if an army of horticultural Truefitts were +everlastingly clipping at her wild tresses with their scissors +and rubbing pomatum and brilliantine on her green leaves. To that +comparatively incult part they accordingly directed their steps, and +found a pleasant resting-place on a green slope with great trees behind +them and others but small and scattered before, and through the light +foliage of which they could see the gleam of the Thames, while the +plash of oars and the hum of talk and laughter from the waterway came +distinctly to their ears. But just on that spot they seemed to have the +Gardens to themselves, no other visitors being within sight. The day was +warm and the turf dry, but for fear of moisture Eden spread his light +covert coat for Fan to sit on, and then stretched himself out by her +side. + +"In this position I can watch your face," he said. "Usually when we +are sitting or standing together I only half see your eyes. They hide +themselves under those shady lashes like violets under their leaves. Now +I can look straight up into them and read all their secrets." + +"I shouldn't like you to do that--I mean to look steadily at my eyes." + +"Why not, Fan; is it not a pleasant thing to have a friend look into +one's eyes?" + +"Yes, just for a moment, but not--" and then she came to a stop. + +"Perhaps you are right," he said after a while, finding she did not +continue. "I wonder if I can guess what was in your mind just then? Was +it that our eyes reveal all they are capable of revealing at a glance, +in an instant; that at a glance we see all that we wish to see; but that +they do not and cannot reveal our inner self, the hidden things of the +soul; and that when our eyes are gazed steadily at it looks like an +attempt to pierce to that secret part of us?" + +"Yes, I think that is so." + +"And yet I think that friends that love and trust each other ought +not to have that uncomfortable feeling. Why should you have it, for +instance, in a case where your friend freely opens his heart to you, and +tells you every thought and feeling he has about you? For instance, if +I were to open my heart to you now and tell you all that is in it--every +thought and every wish?" + +She glanced at him and her lips moved, but she did not speak, and after +a little he continued: + +"Listen, Fan, and you shall hear it all. In the first place there is +the desire to see you contented and happy. The desire brings the thought +that happiness results from the possession of certain things, which, in +your case, fate has put out of your reach. Your future is uncertain, and +in the event of a serious illness or an accident, you might at any time +be deprived of your only means of subsistence; so that to free you from +that anxiety about the future which makes perfect happiness impossible, +a fixed income sufficient for anything and settled on you for life would +be required. And now, Fan, may I tell you how I should like to act to +put these thoughts and feelings about you into practice?" + +"How?" said Fan, glancing for a moment with some curiosity at his face. + +"This is what I should do--how gladly! I should invest a sum of money +for your benefit, and appoint trustees who would pay you the interest +every year as long as you lived. I should also buy a pretty little house +in some nice neighbourhood, like this one of Kew, for instance, and have +it beautifully decorated and furnished, and make you a present of it, +so that you would have your own home. If you wished to study music +or painting, or any other art or subject, I should employ masters to +instruct you. And I should also give you books, and jewels, and dresses, +and go with you to plays and concerts, and take you abroad to see other +countries more beautiful than ours." + +Here he paused as if expecting some reply, but she spoke no word; she +only glanced for a moment at his upturned face with a look of wonder and +trouble in her eyes. + +Then he continued, "And in return for all that, Fan, and for my +love--the love I have felt for you since I saw you on that evening at +Norland Square--I should only ask you to be my friend still, but with a +sweeter, closer, more precious friendship than you have hitherto had for +me." + +Again she glanced at him, but only for an instant; for a few moments +more she continued silent, deeply troubled, then with face still +averted, pressed her hand on the ground to assist her in rising; but he +caught her by the wrist and detained her. + +"Have you nothing to say to me, Fan?" he asked. + +"Only that I wish to stand up, Arthur, if you will let me." + +She spoke so quietly, in a tone so like her usual one, using his +Christian name too, that he looked searchingly at her, not yet knowing +how his words had affected her. Her cheeks were flushed, but she was +evidently not angry, only a little excited perhaps at his declaration. +Her manner only served to raise his hopes. + +"Then let me assist you," he said, springing lightly to his feet, and +drawing her up. But before she could steady herself his arms were round +her waist, and she was drawn and held firmly against his breast while he +kissed her two or three times on the cheek. + +After freeing herself from his embrace, still silent, she walked +hurriedly away; then Eden, snatching up his coat from the grass, ran +after her and was quickly at her side. + +"Dearest Fan, are you angry with me that you refuse to speak?" he said, +seizing her hand. + +"I have nothing to say, Mr. Eden. Will you release my hand, as I wish to +go home?" + +"I must go back to town with you, Fan," he returned. "I will release +your hand if you will sit down on this bench and let me speak to you. We +must not part in this way." + +After a few moments' hesitation she sat down, still keeping her face +averted from him. Then he dropped her hand and sat down near her. His +hopes were fast vanishing, and he was not only deeply disappointed but +angry; and with these feelings there mingled some remorse, he now began +to think that he had surprised and pained her. Never had she seemed more +sweet and desirable than now, when he had tempted her and she had turned +silently away. + +"For heaven's sake don't be so angry with me, Fan," he said at +length. "It is not just. I could not help loving you; and if you have +old-fashioned ideas about such things, and can't agree to my proposals, +why can't we agree to differ, and not make matters worse by quarrelling? +My only wish, goodness knows, was to make you happy; there is no +sacrifice I would not gladly make for your sake, for I do love you, Fan, +with all my heart." + +She listened quietly, but every sentence he uttered only had the effect +of widening the distance between them. Her only answer was, "I wish to +go home now--will you let me go by myself?" + +But he caught her hand again when she attempted to rise, and forced her +to remain on the seat. + +"No, Fan, you must not go before you have answered me," he returned, his +face darkening with anger. "You have no right to treat me in this way. +What have I said to stir up such a tempest?" + +"There is no tempest, Mr. Eden. What can I say to you except that we +have both been mistaken? I was wrong to meet you, but I did not know--it +did not seem wrong. That was my mistake." + +Her voice was low and trembled a little, and there was still no note of +anger in it. It touched his heart, and yet he could not help being angry +with her for destroying his hopes, and it was with some bitterness that +he replied: + +"You have told me your mistake; now what was mine?" + +"That you know already." + +"Yes, I know it; but I do not know what you imagine. I may be able to +show you yet that you are too harsh with me." + +After an interval of silence she answered: + +"Mr. Eden, I believe you have heard the story of my origin from Mr. +Chance. I suppose that he knows what I came from. No doubt he thought +it right to separate his wife from me for the same reason that made you +think that you could buy me with money, just as you could buy anything +else you might wish to have. You would not have made such a proposal to +one in your own class, though she might be an orphan and friendless and +obliged to work for her living." + +"You are altogether mistaken," he returned warmly. "I know absolutely +nothing of your origin, and if I had known all about it that would not +have had the slightest effect. Gentle birth or not, I should have made +the same proposal; and if you imagine that ladies do not often receive +and accept such proposals, you know little of what goes on in the world. +But you must not think for a moment that I ever tried to find out your +history from Merton. I put one question to him about you, and one only. +Let me tell you what it was, and the answer he gave me. I asked him +where you came from, or what your people were, and gave him a reason +for my question, which was that the surname of Affleck had a peculiar +interest for me. There was nothing wrong in that, I think? He said that +you were an orphan, that the lady you lived with, not liking your own +name, gave you the name of Affleck, solely because it took her fancy, or +was uncommon, not because you had any relations of that name." + +"He did not know, I suppose, that it was my mother's name," said Fan. + +But the moment she had spoken it flashed across her mind that by that +incautious speech she had revealed the secret of her birth, and her face +crimsoned with shame and confusion. + +But the other did not notice it; and without raising his eyes from the +ground he returned--"Your mother's name--what was her name?" + +"Margaret Affleck," she answered; and thinking that it was not too late +to repair the mistake she had made, and preserve her secret, she added, +"That was her maiden name, and when the lady I lived with heard it, she +preferred to call me by it because she did not like my right name." + +"And what was your father's name?" + +"I cannot answer any more questions, Mr. Eden," she returned, after an +interval of silence. "It cannot matter to you in the least. Perhaps you +say truly that it would have made no difference to you if I had come of +a good family. That does not make me less unhappy, or alter my opinion +of you. My only wish now is to go away, and to be left alone by you." + +He continued silently prodding at the turf with his stick, his eyes +fixed on the ground. She was nervous and anxious to make her escape, +and could not help glancing frequently at his face, so strange in its +unaccustomed gloom and look of abstraction. Suddenly he lifted his eyes +to hers and said: + +"And if I refuse to leave you alone, Fan?" + +"Must I, then, go away altogether?" she returned with keen distress. +"Will you be so cruel as to hunt me out of the place where I earn my +bread? I have no one to protect me, Mr. Eden--surely you will not carry +out such a threat, and force me to hide myself in some distant place!" + +"Do you think you could hide yourself where I would not find you, Fan?" +he answered, looking up with a strange gleam in his eyes and a smile on +his lips. + +She did not reply, although his words troubled her strangely. After a +while he added: + +"No, Fan; you need not fear any persecution from me. You are just as +safe in your shop in Regent Street, where you earn your bread, as you +would be at the Antipodes." + +"Thank you," she returned. "Will you let me go home now?" + +"We must go back together as we came," he said. + +"I am sorry you think we must go back together. Is it only to annoy me?" + +"Why should you think that, my girl?" he said, but in an indifferent +tone, and still sullenly prodding at the ground with his stick. After a +time he continued, "I don't want to lose sight of you just yet, Fan, +or to think when we part it will be for ever. If you knew how heavy my +heart is you would not be so bitter against me. Perhaps before we +get back to town you will have kinder thoughts. When you remember the +pleasant hours we have spent together you will perhaps be able to give +me your hand and say that you are my friend still." + +Up to this moment she had felt only the pain of her wound and the desire +to escape and hide herself from his sight; but his last words had the +effect of kindling her anger--the anger which took so long to kindle, +and which now, as on one or two former occasions, suddenly took complete +possession of her and instantly drove out every other feeling. Her face +had all at once grown white, and starting to her feet, she stood facing +him. + +"Mr. Eden," she said, her words coming rapidly, with passion, from her +lips, "do you wish me to say more than I have said? Would you like to +know what I think of you?" + +"Yes; what do you think of me, Fan? I think it would be rather +interesting to hear." + +"I think you have acted very treacherously all along. I believe that +from the first you have had it in your mind to--to make me this offer, +but you have never let me suspect such a thing. Your kindness and +interest in the Chances--it was all put on. I believe you are incapable +of an unselfish feeling. Your love I detest, and every word you have +spoken since you told me of it has only made me think worse of you. You +thought you could buy me, and if your heart is heavy it is only because +you have not succeeded--because I will not sell myself. I dare say you +have plenty of money, but if you had ten times as much you couldn't buy +a better opinion of you than I have given. My only wish is never to see +you again. I wish I could forget you! I detest you! I detest you!" + +Not one word did he reply; nor had he listened to her excited words +with any show of interest; but his eyes continued cast down, and the +expression of his face was still dark and strangely abstracted. + +For some moments she remained standing before him, still white and +trembling with the strength of her emotions; then turning, she walked +away through the trees. He did not follow her this time; and when, still +fearing, she cast back one hurried glance at him from a considerable +distance, he was sitting motionless in the same attitude, with eyes +fixed on the ground before him. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + +With a mind agitated with a variety of emotions--her still active +resentment, grief at her loss, and a burning sense of shame at the +thought that her too ready response to Eden's first advances had misled +and tempted him--Fan set about destroying and putting from her all +reminders of this last vanished friendship. + +She burnt the letters, and made up his books into a large package: there +were about fifteen volumes by this time, including one that she had been +reading with profound interest. She would never know the end of that +tale--the pathetic history of a beautiful young girl, friendless like +herself in London; nor would she ever again see that book or hear its +title spoken without experiencing a pain at her heart. The parcel was +addressed in readiness to be sent off next morning, and there being +nothing more to occupy her hands, she sat down in her room, overcome +with a feeling of utter loneliness. Why was she alone, without one +person in all the world to care for her? Was it because of her poverty, +her lowly origin, or because she was not clever? She had been called +pretty so often--Mary, Constance, all of them had said so much in praise +of her beauty; but how poor a thing this was if it could not bind a +single soul to her, if all those who loved for a time parted lightly +from her--those of her own sex; while the feeling that it inspired in +men was one she shrunk fearfully from. + +During the next few days she was ill at ease, and in constant fear +of some action on Mr. Eden's part, dictated by passion or some other +motive. But she saw and heard nothing of him; even the parcel of books +was not acknowledged, and by Thursday she had almost convinced herself +that he had abandoned the pursuit. On the evening of that day, +just after she had gone up to her room at the top of the house, her +heavy-footed landlady was heard toiling up after her, and coming into +the room, she sank down panting in a chair. + +"These stairs do try my heart, miss," she said, "but you didn't hear me +call from my room when you came up. There's a gentleman waiting to see +you in the parlour. I took him in there because he wouldn't go away +until he had seen you." + +"Mr. Eden--oh, why has he come here to make me more unhappy?" thought +Fan, turning pale with apprehension. + +"He's that impatient, miss, you'd better go down soon. He's been ringing +the bell every five minutes to see if you'd come, and says you are very +late." Then she got up and set out on her journey downstairs, but paused +at the door. "Oh, here's the gentleman's card--I quite forgot it." And +placing it on the table, she left the room. + +For some moments Fan stood hesitating, then without removing her hat, +and with a wildly-beating heart, moved to the door. As she did so she +glanced at the card, and was astonished to find that it was not Arthur +Eden's. The name on it was "Mr. Tytherleigh," and beneath, in the +left-hand corner, "Messrs. Travers, Enwright, and Travers, Solicitors, +Lincoln's Inn Fields." + +Who was Mr. Tytherleigh? And what had she, a poor friendless girl, to do +with a firm of lawyers? Then it occurred to her that it was Arthur Eden +after all who wished to see her, and that he had sent her up this false +card only to inveigle her into an interview. Her ideas about the code +of a gentleman were somewhat misty. It is true that Eden had taken +advantage of her friendless position, and had lied to her, and worn a +mask, and deliberately planned to make her his mistress; but he would +no more have taken another man's name in order to see her than he would +have picked a pocket or sent a libellous post-card. Being ignorant of +these fine distinctions, she went down to the little sitting-room on the +ground floor greatly fearing. Her visitor was standing at the window +on the opposite side of the room, and turned round as she entered; a +natty-looking man, middle-aged, with brown moustache, shrewd blue eyes, +and a genial expression. + +"Miss Affleck?" he said, bowing and coming a few steps forward. + +"Yes, that is my name," she returned, greatly relieved at finding a +stranger. + +"You look pale--not quite well, I fear. Will you sit down?" he said. +Then he added with a smile, "I hope my visit has not alarmed you, Miss +Affleck? It is a very simple and harmless matter I have come to you +about. We--the firm of Travers and Co.--have been for a long time trying +to trace a person named Affleck, and hearing accidentally that a young +lady of that name lodged here, I called to make a few inquiries." While +speaking he had taken a newspaper--the _Standard_--from his pocket, and +pointing out an advertisement in the second column of the first page, +asked her to read it. + +She read as follows: + +Margaret Affleck (maiden name). Messrs. Travers, Enwright, and Travers, +Solicitors, Lincoln's Inn Fields, wish to communicate with this person, +who was in service in London about sixteen years ago, and is supposed to +have married about that time. A reward will be given for any information +relating to her. + +"That was my mother's name," said Fan. + +"Then may I ask you, why did you not reply to this advertisement, which, +you see, is upwards of three years old, and was inserted repeatedly in +several papers?" + +"I never saw it--I did not read the newspapers. But my mother has been +dead a long time. I should not have answered this if I had seen it." + +"No? That sounds strange. Will you kindly tell me why you call yourself +by your mother's maiden name?" + +She coloured and hesitated for some moments, and then returned, +"I cannot tell you that. If my mother was the Margaret Affleck you +advertised for, and something has been left to her, or some relation +wishes to trace her, it is too late now. She is dead, and it is nothing +to me." + +This she said with some bitterness and a look of pain; he, meanwhile, +closely studying her face. + +"Nothing to you, Miss Affleck? If money had been left to your mother, +it would, I imagine, be something to you, she being dead. As it +happens--there is no legacy--no money--nothing left; but I think I know +what you mean by saying that it would be of no advantage to you." + +"What do I mean?" she said, still led on to speak after resolving to say +no more. + +"You mean that your mother was never married." + +Her face flushed hotly, and she rose from her chair. Mr. Tytherleigh +also rose quickly from his seat, fearing that she was about to leave the +room without saying more. + +"Miss Affleck," he said, "will you allow me to make a little explanation +before asking you any more questions? I have said that there is no +money left to Margaret Affleck, but I can safely say that if you are +the daughter of that Margaret advertised for so long ago, you can lose +nothing by giving us any information you may possess. Certainly you can +lose nothing by assisting us, but you might gain a great deal. Please +look again at this advertisement--'supposed to have married'--but _was_ +your mother ever married?" + +"Yes, she was," answered Fan, a little reluctantly. "Her husband's name +was Joseph Harrod; but I do not know where he is. I left him years ago." + +"Nor do we want him. But tell me this, Miss Affleck, and please do not +be offended with me for asking so painful a question; but everything +hinges on it. Are you the child of this Joseph Harrod--your mother's +husband?" + +She cast down her eyes. It was a hard question to answer; but the kind +tone in which he had spoken had won her heart, for kindness was very +precious to her just now, and quickly had its effect, in spite of her +recent sad experience. She could not help trusting him. "No, he was not +my father," she answered. + +"And who was your father, Miss Affleck?" + +"I do not know." + +"But do you know absolutely nothing about him--did your mother never +mention him to you? How do you come to know that Joseph Harrod was not +your father?" + +"My mother told me. She said that my father was a gentleman, and--that +I looked like him. She would not tell me his name, because she had taken +an oath never to reveal it to anyone." + +He was watching her face as she spoke, her--eyes cast down. "One +question more, Miss Affleck: do you happen to know where your mother was +born?" + +"She came from Norfolk." + +Mr. Tytherleigh rested an elbow on the table, and thrusting his fingers +through his hair, stared down at the note-book in which he had been +writing down her answers. "How strange--how very strange!" he remarked. +Presently he added, "We must find out where you were baptised, Miss +Affleck; you do not know, I suppose?" + +She could not tell him, and after some further conversation, and hearing +a brief sketch of her life, her visitor rose to go. "Mr. Tytherleigh," +said Fan, "I remember something now I wish to tell you. One day, when +I was about twelve years old, I went with mother to a street near +Manchester Square, where she had some work, and on the way back to +Edgware Road we passed a small curious old-looking church with a +churchyard crowded thick with grave-stones. It was a very narrow street, +and the grave-stones were close to the pavement, and I stopped to read +the words on one. Then mother said, 'That is the church I was married +in, Fan, and where you were christened.' But I do not know the name of +the church, nor of the street it is in." + +Mr. Tytherleigh took down this information. "I shall soon find it," +he said; and promising to write or see her again in two or three days' +time, he left her. + +She had not so long to wait. On the next day, after returning from +Regent Street, she was called down to see Mr. Tytherleigh once more. + +"Miss Affleck," he said, advancing with a smile to meet her, "I am very +glad to be able to tell you that our inquiries have satisfied us that +you are the daughter of the Margaret Affleck we advertised for. And I +can now add that when we were seeking for your mother, or information of +her, our real object was to find _you._" + +"To find me!" exclaimed Fan, starting up from her seat, a new hope in +her heart. "Do you know then who my father is?" + +_"Was_--yes. You have no father living. I did not wish to say too much +yesterday, but from the moment I saw you and heard your voice, I was +satisfied that I had found the right person." + +"Is it then true that I resemble my father?" + +"When I said that I was thinking less of your father than of your +father's son." + +"Then I have a brother living!" she exclaimed excitedly, an expression +on her face in which anxiety and a new glad hope were strangely blended. +"Have I sisters too? Oh, how I have wished to have a sister! Can you +tell me?" Then suddenly her face clouded, and dropping her voice, she +said, "But they will not know me--they will be ashamed to own me. I +shall never see them--I shall be nothing to them!" + +"No, Miss Affleck, you have no sisters. Your father, Colonel Eden, had +only one son, Mr. Arthur Eden, whom you know." + +"Colonel Eden! Mr. Arthur Eden!" she repeated, with a strange bewildered +look. "Is he my brother--Arthur--Arthur!" And while the words came like +a cry of anguish from her lips, she turned away, and with hands clasped +before her, took a few uncertain steps across the room, then sinking on +to the sofa, burst into a great passion of tears and sobs. + +Mr. Tytherleigh went to the window and stared at the limited view at +the back; after a while he came to her side. "Miss Affleck," he said, "I +fully believed when I came to see you that I had welcome news to tell. I +am sorry to see you so much distressed." + +Restraining her sobs she listened, and his words and tone of surprise +served to rouse and alarm her, since such a display of emotion on her +part might make him suspect her secret--that hateful secret of Arthur +Eden's passion, which must be buried for ever. In the brief space of +time which had passed since he had made his announcement, and that cry +of pain had risen from her lips, a change had already taken place in her +feelings. All the bitter sense of injury and insult, and the anger mixed +with apprehension, had vanished; her mind had reverted to the condition +in which it had been before the experience at Kew Gardens; only the +feeling of affection had increased a hundred-fold. She remembered now +only all that had seemed good in him, his sweet courteous manner, his +innumerable acts and words of kindness, and the goodness was no longer a +mask and a sham, but a reality. For he was her brother, and the blood of +one father ran in their veins; and now that dark cloud, that evil dream, +which had come between them, had passed away, and she could cast herself +on her knees before him to beg him to forgive and forget the cruel false +words she had spoken to him in her anger, and take her to his heart. But +in the midst of all the tumult of thoughts and feelings stirring in her, +there was the fear that he would now be ashamed of his base-born sister +and avoid her. + +"I am afraid that I have no cause to feel happy," she returned at last. +"Arthur Eden knows me so well, and if he had not felt ashamed of finding +a sister in me, he would have come to me himself instead of sending a +stranger. But perhaps," she added with fresh hope, "he does not know +what you have told me?" + +"Yes, he knows certainly, since it was he who discovered that you +were the daughter of a Margaret Affleck. I have been acting on his +instructions, and told him to-day when I saw him that there was no doubt +that you were Colonel Eden's child. It was better, he thought, and I +agreed with him, that you should hear this from me. He is anxious to see +you himself, and until you see him you must not allow such fancies to +disturb you. He had no sooner made the discovery I have mentioned the +day before yesterday--Wednesday--than he hastened to us to instruct us +what to do in the case." + +Wednesday! But he had heard about Margaret Affleck on Sunday--why had he +kept silence all that time? She could not guess, but it seemed there +had been some delay, some hesitation, on his part. The thought sorely +troubled her, but she kept it to herself. "Do you think he will come to +see me this evening?" she asked, with some trouble in her voice. + +"He said to-morrow. And, by-the-bye, Miss Affleck, he asked me to say +that he hopes you will be in when he calls to see you." + +"But I must go to my place for the day." + +"About that, Mr. Eden thinks you had better not go yourself. I shall see +or write to your employer this evening to let him know that you will be +unable to attend to-morrow." + +"But I might lose my place then," said Fan, surprised at the cool way +in which Mr. Tytherleigh invited her to take a holiday, and thinking of +what the grim and terrible manager would say. + +"I cannot say more," he returned. "I have only stated Mr. Eden's wishes, +and certainly think it would be better not to risk missing him by +going out tomorrow. In any case I shall see or communicate with your +employer." + +He left her with an excited mind which kept her awake a greater part of +the night, and next morning she resolved to do as she had been told and +remain in all day, even at the risk of losing her situation. Then as the +hours wore on and Arthur came not, her excitement increased until it +was like a fever in her veins, and made her lips dry, and burnt in her +cheeks like fire. She could not read, nor work, nor sit still; nor could +she take any refreshment, with that gnawing hunger in her heart; but +hour after hour she moved about her narrow room until her knees trembled +under her, and she was ready to sink down, overcome with despair that +the brother she had found and loved was ashamed to own her for a sister. +Finally she set the door of her room open, and at every sound in +the house she flew to the landing to listen; and at last, about five +o'clock, on going for the hundredth time to the landing, she heard a +visitor come into the hall and ask for "Miss Affleck." She hurried +down to the ground floor, passing the servant girl who had admitted her +brother and was going up to call her. When she entered the sitting-room +Eden was standing on the further side staring fixedly at a picture on +the wall. It was a picture of a fashionable young lady of bygone days, +taken out of one of L.E.L.'s or Lady Blessington's _Beauty Books;_ she +was represented wearing a shawl and flounced dress, and with a row of +symmetrical curls on each side of her head--a thing to make one laugh +and weep at the same time, to think of the imbecility of the human mind +of sixty years ago that found anything to admire in a face so utterly +inane and lackadaisical. So absorbed was Eden in this work of art that +he did not seem to hear the door open and his sister's steps on the worn +carpet. + +"Arthur--at last!" she cried, advancing to him, all her sisterly +affections and anxiety thrilling in her voice. + +He half turned towards her with a careless "How d'ye do, Fan?" and then +once more became absorbed in contemplating the picture. + +Her first impulse on entering the room had been to throw her arms about +his neck, but the momentary glimpse of his face she had caught when he +turned to greet her arrested her steps. His face was deathly pale, and +there was an excited look in his eye which seemed strangely to contrast +with his light, indifferent tone. + +"A very fine picture that; I shouldn't mind having it if the owner +cares to part with it," he said at length, and then half turning again, +regarded her out of the corners of his eyes. "Well, Fan, what do you +think of all this curious business?" he added, with a slight laugh. + +For how many hours she had been trying to picture this meeting in her +mind, now imagining him tender and affectionate as she wished him to +be, now cold or contemptuous or resentful; and in every case her heated +brain had suggested the very words he would use to her; but for this +careless tone, and the inexplicable look on his face, according so ill +with his tone, she was quite unprepared, and for some time she could +make no reply to his words. + +"Arthur," she spoke at last, "if you could have known how anxiously I +have been waiting for you since yesterday, I think you would in mercy +have come a little sooner." + +"Well, no, Fan, I think not," he returned, still careless. + +She advanced two or three steps nearer. + +"Have you then come at last only to confirm my worst fears? Tell me, +Arthur--my brother! Are you sorry to have me for a sister?" + +Again he laughed. + +"What a simple maiden you must be to ask such a question!" he said. +"Sorry? Good God, I should think so! Sorry is no word for it. If Fate +thought it necessary to thrust a sister on me I wish it had rather been +some yellow-skinned, sour old spinster, but not you." + +"Do you hate me then?" she exclaimed, misinterpreting his meaning in +her agitation. "Oh what have I done to deserve such unhappiness? Have +I brought it on myself by those cruel words I spoke to you when we last +met?" + +He had turned again towards her and was watching her face, but when she +looked at him his eyes dropped. + +"Yes, I remember your words, Fan," he said. "You abused me at Kew +Gardens, and you think I am having my revenge. You would remember me, +you said, only to detest me. Am I less a monster now because I am your +relation?" + +"Arthur, forgive me--can you not say that you forgive me?" coming still +nearer, and putting out her hands pleadingly to him. + +His lips moved but made no sound; and she, urged on by that great +craving in her heart, at length stood by his side, but he averted his +face from her. + +"Arthur," she spoke again in pleading tones, "will you not look at me?" +Then, with sudden anguish, she added, "Have I lost everything you once +saw in me to make you love me?" But he still made no sign; and growing +bolder she put her arm round his neck. "Arthur, speak to me," she +pleaded. "It will break my heart if you cannot love me." + +All at once he looked her full in the face, and their eyes met in a long +gaze, hers tender and pleading, his wild and excited. His lips had grown +dry and almost of the colour of his cheeks, and his breath seemed like +a flame to her skin. "Arthur, will you refuse to love me, your sister?" +she murmured tenderly, drawing her arm more tightly about his neck until +his face was brought down to hers, then pressing her soft lips to his +dry mouth. + +He did not resist her caress, only a slight shiver passed through his +frame, and closing his eyes, he dropped his forehead on her shoulder. + +"Do you know what you are doing, Fan?" he murmured. "I have had such a +hard fight, and now--my victory is turned to defeat! You ask me to +love you; poor girl, it would be better if I scorned you and broke +your heart! Darling, I love you--you cannot conceive how much. If you +could--if one spark of this fire that burns my blood could drop into +yours, then it would be sweeter than heaven to live and die with you!" + +He lifted his face again, and his lips sought hers, to cling long and +passionately to them, while he gathered her in his arms and drew her +against his breast, closer and closer, until she could scarcely refrain +from crying out with pain. Then suddenly he released her, almost +flinging her from him, and walking to the sofa on the other side of the +room, he sat down and buried his face in his hands. + +Fan remained standing where he had left her, too stunned and confused +by this violent outburst of passion to speak or move. At length he rose, +and without a word, without even casting a look at her, left the room. +Then, recovering possession of her faculties, she hurried out after him, +but on gaining the hall found that he had already left the house. + +Not knowing what to think or fear, she went to her room and sat down. +The meeting to which she had looked forward so impatiently had come and +was over, and now she did not know whether to rejoice or to lament. For +an hour she sat in her close hot room, unable to think clearly on the +subject, oppressed with a weak drowsy feeling she could not account for. +At last she remembered that she had spent an anxious sleepless night, +and had taken no refreshment during the day, and rousing herself she +went downstairs to ask the landlady to give her some tea. It refreshed +her, and lying down without undressing on her bed, she fell into a +deep sleep, from which she did not awake until about ten o'clock. Lying +there, still drowsy, and again mentally going through that interview +with Arthur, her eye was attracted by the white gleam of an envelope +lying on the dusky floor--a letter which the servant had thrust in under +the door for her. It was from Arthur. + +MY DEAR SISTER [he wrote], I fear I have offended you more deeply than +ever; I was scarcely sane when I saw you to-day. Try, for God's sake, to +forget it. I am leaving London to-morrow for a few weeks, and trust that +when I return you will let me see you again; for until you assure me +with your own lips, Fan, that I am forgiven, the thought of my behaviour +to-day will be a constant misery. And will you in the meantime let +yourself be guided by Mr. Travers, who was our father's solicitor +and friend, and who can tell you what his last wishes about you were? +Whatever you may receive from Mr. Travers will come to you, _not from +me,_ but from your father. If Mr. Travers asks you to his house please +go, and look on him as your best friend. I believe that Mr. Tytherleigh +intends calling on you to-morrow at one o'clock, and I think that he has +already informed your employer that it will not be convenient for you to +attend again at Regent Street. + +Good-bye for a time, dear sister, and try, try to think as kindly as you +can of Your affectionate brother, + +ARTHUR EDEN. + +This letter had the effect of dissipating every sad and anxious thought, +and Fan undressed and went to bed, only to lie awake thinking of her +happiness. Her heart was overflowing with love for her brother; for how +great a comfort, a joy, it was to know that after all that had happened +he was good and not bad! He was indeed more than good in the ordinary +sense of the word, for what kindness and generosity and delicacy he had +displayed towards her in his letter. So far did her leniency go that she +even repeated his mad words, "Darling, I love you, you cannot conceive +how much," again and again with a secret satisfaction; for how hard it +would have been if that passionate love he had felt for her, which +only the discovery of their close relationship had made sinful, or +inconvenient, had changed to aversion or cold indifference; and +this would certainly have happened if Arthur Eden had not been so +noble-minded a person. + +When morning came she could not endure the thought that he was going +away without that assurance from her own lips of which he had spoken. +Mr. Tytherleigh would call to see her at one o'clock, but there were +three or four long hours to get rid of before then, and in the end she +dressed herself and went boldly to his apartments in Albemarle Street, +where she arrived about eleven o'clock. + +The servant who answered her knock did not know whether she could see +Mr. Eden, and summoned her mistress. + +"Mr. Eden has only been home about an hour," said this lady, a little +stiffly. "He said he was going to sleep, and that he was not to be +disturbed on any account." + +"But he is going to leave town to-day, and I _must_ see him," returned +Fan. Then, with a blush brightening her cheeks, she added, "I am his +sister." + +"Why, miss, so you are!" exclaimed the woman astonished, and breaking +out in smiles. "I never knew that Mr. Eden had a sister, but I might +have guessed it when I saw you, for you are his very image. I'll just go +up and ask him if he can see you." + +Fan, in her impatience, followed her up into Eden's sitting-room on +the first floor. At the further end of the room the woman rapped at the +door. + +"What the devil do you want now? I told you not to disturb me," was +shouted in no amiable voice from inside. + +Fan hurried to the door and called through the keyhole, "Arthur, I must +see you before you leave town." + +"Oh, Fan, is that you? I really beg your pardon," he replied. "All +right; make yourself comfortable, and I'll be with you in five minutes." + +Fan, left alone, began an inspection of her brother's "den," about +which she had often heard him speak, and the first object which took her +attention was a brown-paper parcel lying on a chair against the wall. It +was the parcel of novels she had returned to him a few days before, +not yet opened. But when she looked round for that large collection of +books, about which he had spoken to her, she found it not, nor anything +in the way of literature except half a dozen volumes lying on the table, +bearing Mudie's yellow labels on their covers. Near the chair on which +the parcel was lying a large picture rested on the carpet, leaning +against the wall. A sheet of tissue paper covered it, which her +curiosity prompted her to remove, and then how great was her surprise +at being confronted with her own portrait, exquisitely done in +water-colours, half the size of life, and in a very beautiful silver +frame. How it got there was a mystery, but not for one moment did she +doubt that it was her own portrait; only it looked, she thought, so much +more beautiful than the reality. She had never worn her hair in that +picturesque way, nor had she ever possessed an evening dress; yet she +appeared in a lovely pale-blue dress, her neck and arms bare, a delicate +cream-coloured lace shawl on one arm resting on her shoulder. + +She was still standing before it, smiling with secret pleasure, and +blushing a little, when Eden, coming in, surprised her. + +"I see you have made a discovery, Fan," he said. + +She turned quickly round, the bright colour suffusing her cheeks, and +held out her hand to him. He was pale and haggard, but the strange +excited look had left his face, and he smiled pleasantly as he took her +hand and touched her finger-tips to his lips. + +"Why did you come to me here?" he asked, beginning to move restlessly +about the room. + +"To give you that assurance with my own lips you asked for--I could not +let you go away without it. Will you not kiss me, Arthur?" + +"No, not now. Do sit down, Fan. I thought that you would only feel the +greatest aversion to me, yet here you are in my own den trying to--You +imagine, I suppose, that a man is a kind of moral barrel-organ, and that +when the tune he has been grinding out for a long time gets out of date, +all he has got to do is to change the old cylinder for a new one and +grind out a fresh tune. Do you understand me, Fan?" + +She considered his words for a little while and then answered, "Arthur, +I think it will be better--if you will not avoid me--if you will believe +that all my thoughts of you are pleasant thoughts. I do not think you +can be blamed for feeling towards me as you do." She reddened and cast +down her eyes, dimmed with tears, then continued, "It was only that +chance discovery that makes you think so badly of yourself." + +"You are strangely tolerant," he said, sitting down near her. "Strangely +and sweetly rational--so lenient, that if I did not know you as well as +I do, I might imagine that your moral sense is rather misty. Your words, +dear girl, make me sick of deceit and hypocrisy, and I shall not try to +see myself as you see me. I am worse than you imagine; if you knew +all you would not be so ready to invent excuses for me--you would not +forgive me." Then he got up, and added, "But I am glad you came to see +me, Fan; your visit has done me ever so much good." + +"Don't send me away so soon, Arthur," she returned. "What is it that +I could not forgive? You should not say that before you put me to the +test." + +"Good heavens, Fan, do you wish me to do that? Well, perhaps that would +be best. I said that I was sick of deceit, and I ought to have the +courage of my opinions. Do you know that when Mr. Tytherleigh called +to see you, my lawyers had only just learnt the secret I had discovered +several days before?" + +"Yes, I knew that." + +"But you don't know--you couldn't imagine why I kept back the +information." + +"I thought that the delay was because I had offended you--I didn't think +much about it." + +"Of course that was not the reason." + +"Then you must tell me, Arthur." + +"Must I tell you, dear sister? When you left me alone at Kew I asked +myself whether it would not be better to conceal what I had heard and +marry you. I don't know what madness possessed me. The instant you spoke +the words that Margaret Affleck was your mother's name, I was convinced +that you were my half-sister--the mystery of something in you, which had +always puzzled and baffled me, was made plain. Your voice at times was +like my father's voice, and perhaps like my own; and in your face and +your expression you are like my father's mother in a miniature of her +taken when she was a girl, and which I often used to see. And yet"--he +paused and turned his face from her,--"this very conviction that you +were so closely related to me made my feeling only stronger. Every +scornful word you uttered only made it stronger; it seemed to me that +unless I possessed you my life would not be worth having.... Even my +father's dying wishes were nothing to me.... And for three days and +nights.... How can you forgive me, Fan, when I had it in my heart to do +such a thing?" + +"But I should not have consented to marry you," said Fan simply. + +"Consider, Fan; you, a poor friendless girl in London, with nothing to +look forward to. In a little while you would have recovered from your +anger, and in the end, when you knew how great my love was, you would +have consented. For I knew that you liked me very much; and perhaps you +loved me a little." + +"I did love you, Arthur, from the very first, but it was not that kind +of love. I know that I should never have felt it for you. I did not know +that you were my brother, but I think that my heart must have known it." + +"Perhaps so, Fan; perhaps in hearts of such crystal purity as yours +there is some divine instinct which grosser natures are without. But you +ignore the point altogether. My crime was in the intention, and if it +had proved as you think, my guilt would have been just as great. That is +my sin, Fan; the thought was in my heart for days and nights, and though +the days and nights were horrible, I refused to part with my secret." + +"But, Arthur, you _did_ part with it in the end. No one compelled you to +give it up." + +"No, no one. I was afraid, I think, that some horrible thing would +happen to me--that I would perhaps go mad if I carried out my intention; +and I was driven at last, not by conscience, but by servile fear to make +a clean breast of it." + +"But, Arthur," she persisted, in a voice of keen pain, "is there any +difference between conscience and what you call fear? I know that I +would sometimes do wrong, and that fear prevents me. We have all good +and bad in us, and--the good overcame the bad in you." + +There was silence for some time between them, then Eden said, "Fan, what +a strange girl you are! The whiteness of your soul is such that it has +even pained me to think of it; and now that I have shown you all the +blackness of my own, and am sick of it myself, you look very calmly at +it, and even try to persuade me that it is not black at all. The one +thing you have said which sounds artificial, and like a copy-book +lesson, is that we all have good and bad in us. What is the bad in you, +Fan--what evil does it tempt you to do?" + +This question seemed to disturb her greatly. + +"For one thing," she said hesitatingly, and casting her eyes down, "I +always hate those who injure me--and--and I am very unforgiving." Then, +raising her eyes, which looked as if the tears were near them, she +added, "But, Arthur, please don't be offended with me if I say that I +don't think you are right to put such a question to me--just now." + +"No, dear, it isn't right. From me to you it is a brutal question, and I +shall not offend again. But to hear you talk of your unforgiving temper +gives me a strange sensation--a desire to laugh and cry all at the same +time." He looked at his watch. "I don't wish to drive you away, Fan, but +poor Mr. Tytherleigh will be at his wits' end if he misses you." + +"What is he going to see me about, Arthur?" + +"I don't know at all. You are in Mr. Travers' hands." + +He was about to rise; but Fan, coming quickly to his side, stopped him. + +"Good-bye, Arthur--my darling brother," she said, stooping and kissing +him quickly on his cheek, then on his lips. "May I take one thing away +with me?" + +"Your picture? Yes; you may take it if you like: that is to say, you may +keep it for a time. I shall not give it to you." + +"But it is mine--my own portrait," said Fan, with a happy laugh. "Though +I do not know by what magic you got it." + +"That's easily explained. When I heard where you had had your photo +taken, I went and ordered a copy for myself. The negative had been +preserved. Then I had it enlarged, and the water-colour taken from it. +And there are your books, Fan--take them too." + +"I will take one, Arthur; I was just reading it when--" She did not +finish the sentence, but began hastily untying the parcel to get the +book, while her brother rang the bell, and ordered a cab "for Miss +Eden." + +How strange--how sweet it sounded to her! + +"Is that my name, Arthur?" she asked, turning to him with a look of glad +surprise. + +"Yes, until you change it; and, by the way, you had better order +yourself some cards." + +A few minutes later and she was speeding northwards in a hansom, feeling +that the motion, so unlike that of the familiar lumbering omnibus, had +a wonderfully exhilarating effect on her. It was a pleasure she had not +tasted since the time when she lived in London with Mary, and that now +seemed to her a whole decade ago. But never in those past days had she +faced the fresh elastic breeze in so daintily-built a cab, behind so +fiery, swift-stepping a horse. Never had she felt so light-hearted. For +now she was not alone in life, but had a brother to love; and he loved +her, and had shown her his heart--all the good and the evil that was in +it; and all the evil she could forgive, and was ready to forget, and it +was nothing to her. She was even glad to think that when he had first +seen her in that little shabby sitting-room in Norland Square it had +been to love her. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + +Mr. Tytherleigh was already at her lodgings, and seeing her arrive, he +hurried out to ask her not to alight. Mr. Travers, he said, wished her +to move into better apartments; he had a short list in his pocket, and +offered to go with her to choose a place. Fan readily consented, and +when he had taken the picture into the house for her, he got into the +cab, and they drove off to the neighbourhood of Portman Square. +In Quebec Street they found what they wanted--two spacious and +prettily--furnished rooms on a first floor in a house owned by a Mrs. +Fay. A respectable woman, very attentive to her lodgers, Mr. Tytherleigh +said, and known to Mr. Travers through a country client of his having +used the house for several years. He also pronounced the terms very +moderate, which rather surprised Fan, whose ideas about moderation were +not the same as his. + +From Quebec Street they went to the London and Westminster Bank in +Stratford Place, where Fan was made to sign her name in a book; and as +she took the pen into her hand, not knowing what meaning to attach to +all these ceremonies, Mr. Tytherleigh, standing at her elbow, whispered +warningly--"_Frances Eden_." She smiled, and a little colour flushed her +cheeks. Did he imagine that she had forgotten? that the name of Affleck +was anything more to her than a bit of floating thistledown, which had +rested on her for a moment only to float away again, to be carried by +some light wind into illimitable space, to be henceforth and for ever +less than nothing to her? After signing her new name a cheque-book was +handed to her; then Mr. Tytherleigh instructed her in the mysterious art +of drawing a cheque, and as a beginning he showed her how to write one +payable to self for twenty-five pounds; then after handing it over the +counter and receiving five bank-notes for it, they left the bank and +proceeded to a stationer's in Oxford Street, where Fan ordered her +cards. + +Mr. Tytherleigh, as if reluctant to part from her, returned to Charlotte +Street in the cab at her side. During their ride back she began to +experience a curious sensation of dependence and helplessness. It would +have been very agreeable to her if this freer, sweeter life which she +had tasted formerly, and which was now hers once more, had come to her +as a gift from her brother; but he had distinctly told her that she +had nothing to thank him for, and only some very vague words about her +father's dying wishes had been spoken. Who then was she dependent on? +She had not been consulted in any way; her employer had simply been told +that it would not be convenient for her to attend again at the place of +business, and now she was sent to live alone in grand apartments, where +she would have a cheque-book and some five-pound notes to amuse herself +with. For upwards of a year she had been proud of her independence, of +her usefulness in the world, of the room she rented, and had made pretty +with bits of embroidery and such art as she possessed, and now she could +not help experiencing a little pang of regret at seeing all this taken +from her--especially as she did not know who was taking it, or changing +it for something else. + +These thoughts were occupying her mind when she was led into her +landlady's little sitting-room, and hoped that the lawyer or lawyer's +clerk had only come to explain it all to her. + +"I don't know when I shall see you again, Miss Eden," he said; she +noticed that he and her brother had begun calling her Miss Eden on the +same day; "but if there is anything more I can do for you now I shall be +glad. If I can assist you in moving to Quebec Street, for instance----" + +"Oh no, thank you; all my luggage will go easily on a cab. Are you in a +hurry to leave, Mr. Tytherleigh?" + +"Oh no, Miss Eden, my time is at your disposal"; and he sat down again +to await her commands. + +"I should so like to ask you something," she said. "For the last few +hours I have scarcely known what was happening to me, and I feel--a +little bewildered at being left alone with this cheque-book and money. +And then, whose money is it, Mr. Tytherleigh--you can tell me that, I +suppose?" + +"Why, I should say your own, Miss Eden, else--you could hardly have it +to spend." + +"But how is it mine? I forgot to ask my brother today to explain some +things in a letter I had from him last night. He wishes me to be guided +by Mr. Travers, and says that what I receive does not come from him, but +from my father." + +"Quite right," said the other with confidence. + +"But, Mr. Tytherleigh, you told me some days ago that no money was left +to my mother or to anyone belonging to her." + +"Ah, yes, it does seem a little contradictory, Miss Eden. I was quite +correct in what I told you, and--for the rest, you must of course take +your brother's word." + +"Yes; but what am I to understand--can you not explain it all to me?" + +"Scarcely," he returned, with the regulation solicitor smile. "I think I +have heard that Mr. Travers will see you himself before long. Perhaps +he will make it clear to you, for I confess that it must seem a little +puzzling to you just now." + +"When shall I see Mr. Travers?" + +"I cannot say. He is an elderly man, not very strong, and does not often +go out of his way. In the meantime, I hope you will take my word for it +that it is all right, and that when you require money you will freely +use your cheque-book." + +And that was all the explanation she got from Mr. Tytherleigh. + +Fan, alone in her fine apartments, her occupation gone, found the time +hang heavily on her hands. To read a little, embroider a little, walk +a little in Hyde Park each day, was all she could do until Mr. Travers +should come to her and explain everything and be her guide and friend. +But the slow hours, the long hot days passed, and Mr. Travers still +delayed his coming, until to her restless heart the leisure she enjoyed +seemed a weariness and the freedom a delusion. Every day she spent more +and more time out of doors. At home the profound silence and seeming +emptiness of the house served but to intensify her craving for +companionship. Her landlady, who was her own cook, never entered into +conversation with her, and only came to her once or twice a day to ask +her what she would have to eat. But to Fan it was no pleasure to sit +down to eat by herself, and for her midday meal she was satisfied to +have a mutton chop with a potato--that hideously monotonous mutton chop +and potato which so many millions of unimaginative Anglo-Saxons are +content to swallow on each recurring day. And Mrs. Fay, her landlady, +had a soul; and her skill in cooking was her pride and glory. Cookery +was to her what poetry and the worship of Humanity, and Esoteric +Buddhism are to others; and from the time when she began life as a +kitchen-maid in a small hotel, she had followed her art with singleness +of purpose and unflagging zeal. She felt it as a kind of degradation to +have a lodger in her house who was satisfied to order a mutton chop +and a potato day after day. It was no wonder then that she grew more +reticent and dark-browed and sullen every day, and that she went about +the house like a person perpetually brooding over some dark secret. Some +awful midnight crime, perhaps--some beautiful and unhappy young heiress, +left in her charge, and smothered with a pillow for yellow gold, still +haunting her in Quebec Street. So might one have imagined; but it would +have been a mistake, for the poor woman was haunted by nothing more +ghastly than the image of her lodger's mutton chop and potato. And at +last she could endure it no longer, and spoke out. + +"I beg your pardon for saying it, Miss," she said in an aggrieved tone, +"but I think it very strange you can't order anything better for your +dinner." + +"It does very well for me," said Fan innocently. "I never feel very +hungry when I'm alone." + +"No, miss; and no person would with nothing but a chop to sit down to. I +was told by the gentleman from Mr. Travers' office that brought you here +that I was to do my best for you. But how can I do my best for you when +you order me to do my worst?" Here she appeared almost at the point of +crying. "It is not for me to say anything, but I consider, miss, that +you're not doing yourself justice. I mean only with respect to eating +and drinking----" with a glance full of meaning at Fan's face, then +at her dress. "About other things I haven't anything to say, because I +don't interfere with what doesn't concern me." + +"But what can I do, Mrs. Fay?" said Fan distressed. "I have not been +accustomed to order my meals, but to sit down without knowing what there +was to eat. And I like that way best." Then, in a burst of despair, she +added, "Can't you give me just whatever you like, without asking me?" + +Mrs. Fay's brow cleared, and she smiled as Fan had not seen her smile +before. + +"That I will, miss; and I don't think you'll have any reason to complain +that you left it to me." + +From that time Fan was compelled to fare delicately, and each day in +place of the simple quickly-eaten and soon-forgotten chop, there came to +her table a soup with some new flavour, a bit of fish--salmon cutlets, +or a couple of smelts, or dainty whitebait with lemon and brown +bread-and-butter, or a red mullet in its white wrapper--and +exquisitely-tasting little made dishes, and various sweets of unknown +names. Nor was there wanting bright colour to relieve the monotony of +white napery and please the eye--wine, white and red, in small cut-glass +decanters, and rose and amber-coloured wineglasses, and rich-hued fruits +and flowers. Of all the delicacies provided for her she tasted, yet +never altogether free from the painful thought that while she was thus +faring sumptuously, many of her fellow-creatures were going about the +streets hungry, even as she had once gone about wishing for a penny to +buy a roll. Still, Mrs. Fay was happy now, and that was one advantage +gained, although her lodger was paying dearly for it with somebody's +money. + +But here she drew the line, being quite determined not to spend any +money on dress until Mr. Travers should come to her to relieve her +doubts, and yet she knew very well that to be leading this easy idle +life she was very poorly dressed. Many an hour she spent sitting in the +shade in Hyde Park, watching the perpetual stream of fashionable people, +on foot and in carriages--she the only unfashionable one there, the +only one who exchanged greetings and pleasant words with no friend or +acquaintance. What then did it matter how meanly she dressed? she said +to herself every day, determined not to spend that mysterious money. +Then one day a great temptation--a new thought--assailed her, and she +fell. She was passing Marshall and Snelgrove's, about twelve o'clock +in the morning, when the broad pavement is most thronged with shopping +ladies and idlers of both sexes, when out of the door there came +a majestic-looking elderly lady, followed by two young ladies, her +daughters, all very richly dressed. Seeing Fan, the first put out her +hand and advanced smilingly to her. + +"My dear Miss Featherstonehaugh," she exclaimed, "how strange that we +should meet here!" + +"Oh, mamma, it is _not_ Miss Featherstonehaugh!" broke in one of the +young ladies; and after surveying Fan from top to toe with a slightly +supercilious smile, she added, "How _could_ you make such a mistake!" + +"I beg your pardon," said the old lady loftily, as if Fan had done +her some injury, and also surveying the girl, apparently surprised at +herself for mistaking this badly-dressed young woman for one of her own +friends. + +Fan, arrested in her walk, had been standing motionless before them, and +her eyes, instinctively following the direction of the lady's glance, +travelled down her dress to her feet, where one of her walking-boots, +old and cracked, was projecting from her skirt. She reddened with shame +and confusion, and walked hurriedly on. What would her brother's feeling +have been, she asked herself, if he had met her accidentally there and +had noticed those shabby boots? and with all that money, which she had +been told to use freely, in her purse! A fashionable shoe-shop caught +her eye at that moment, and without a moment's hesitation she went in +and purchased a pair of the most expensive walking-shoes she could get, +and a second light pretty pair to wear in the house. That was only the +first of a series of purchases made that day. At one establishment +she ordered a walking-dress to be made, a soft blue-grey, with +cream-coloured satin vest; and at yet another a hat to match. And many +other things were added, included a sunshade of a kind she admired very +much, covered with cream-coloured lace. With a recklessness which was in +strange contrast to her previous mood, she got rid of every shilling +of her money in a few hours, and then went boldly to the bank. Then her +courage forsook her, and her face burned hotly, and her hand shook while +she wrote out a second cheque for twenty-five pounds. Not without fear +and trembling did she present it at the cashier's desk; but the clerk +said not a word, nor did he look at her with a stern, shocked expression +as if reproaching her for such awful extravagance. On the contrary he +smiled pleasantly, remarking that it was a warm day (which Fan knew), +and then bowed, and said "Good-day" politely. + +The feeling of guilt as of having robbed the bank with which she left +Stratford Place happily wore off in time; and when the grey dress was +finished, and she found herself arrayed becomingly, the result made her +happy for a season. She surveyed her reflection in the tall pier-glass +in her bedroom with strange interest--or not strange, perhaps--and +thought with a little feeling of triumph that the grand lady and her +daughters would not feel disgusted at their dimness of vision if they +once more mistook her for their friend "Miss Featherstonehaugh." + +"Even Constance would perhaps think me good enough for a friend now," +she said, a little bitterly; and then remembering that she had no friend +to show herself to, she felt strongly inclined to sit down and cry. + +"Oh, how foolish I have been to spend so much on myself, when it doesn't +matter in the least what I wear--until Arthur comes back!" + +And Arthur was not coming back just now, for only after all her finery +had been bought, on that very day she had received a letter from him +dated from Southampton, telling her that he had joined a friend who was +about to start for Norway in his yacht, and that he would be absent not +less than two months. This was a sore disappointment, but a note from +Mr. Travers accompanied Eden's letter, sent in the first place to +Lincoln's Inn, which gave her something to expect and think about. The +lawyer wrote to say that he would call to see her at twelve o'clock on +the following morning. + +Fan, in her new dress, and with a slight flush caused by excitement, was +waiting for him when he arrived. He was a tall spare man, over seventy +years old, with a slight stoop in his shoulders, and hair and whiskers +almost white. He had an aquiline nose and a firm mouth and chin, and +yet the expression was far from severe, and under his broad, much-lined +forehead the deep-set clear blue eyes looked kindly to the girl. When +in repose there was an expression of weariness on his grey face, and +a far-off look in the eyes, like that of one who gazes on a distant +prospect shrouded in mist or low-trailing clouds. He had thought and +wrought much, and perhaps, unlike that stern-browed and dauntless old +chair-mender that Fan remembered so well, he was growing tired of his +long life-journey, and not unwilling to see the end when there would be +rest. But when talking or listening his face still showed animation, +and was pleasant to look upon. Fan remembered certain words of her +brother's, and felt that even if they had never been uttered, here was a +man in whom she could trust implicitly. + +At first he did not say much, and after explaining the cause of his +delay in visiting her, contented himself with listening and observing +her quietly. At length, catching sight of the water-colour portrait of +Fan, which was hanging on the wall, he got up from his seat and placed +himself before it. + +"It is a very beautiful picture, Miss Eden," he said with a smile, as +Fan came to his side. + +"Yes, I think it is," she returned naively. "But that is the artist's +work. I never had a dress like that--I never had a dinner dress in my +life. It was taken from a photograph, and the painter has made a fancy +picture of it." + +"It is very like you, Miss Eden--an excellent portrait, I think. Do you +not know that you are beautiful?" + +"No, I did not know--at least, I was not sure. But I am glad you think +so. I should like very much to be beautiful." + +"Why?" he asked with a smile. + +"Because I am not clever, and perhaps it would not matter so much if +people thought me pretty. They might like me for that." + +He smiled again. "I do not know you very well yet, Miss Eden, but +judging from the little I have seen of you and what I have heard, I +think you have a great deal to make people like you." + +"Thank you," she returned a little sadly, remembering how her dearest +friends had quickly grown tired of her. + +"How strange it is--how very strange!" he remarked after a while, +repeating Mr. Tytherleigh's very words. "I can scarcely realise that I +am here talking to Colonel Eden's daughter." + +"Yes, it is very strange. That I should have got acquainted in that +chance way with my brother, and--" + +"That he should have fallen in love with his sister," added Mr. Travers, +as if speaking to himself rather than to her. + +She looked up with a startled expression, then suddenly became crimson +to the forehead and cast down her eyes. "Oh, I am so sorry--so sorry +that you know," she spoke in a low sad voice. "Why, why did Arthur +tell you that? No person knew except ourselves; and it would have been +forgotten and buried, and now--now others know, and it will not be +forgotten!" + +"My dear Miss Eden, you must not think such a thing," he returned. "Your +secret is safe with me, but perhaps you did not know that. Do you know +that your father and I were close friends? There was little that he kept +from me, and I am glad that Arthur Eden has inherited his father's trust +in me; and perhaps, Miss Eden, when you know me better, and have heard +all I intend telling you about your father, you will have the same +feeling. But when I spoke of its being so strange, I was not thinking +about you and Arthur becoming acquainted. That was strange, certainly, +but it was no more than one of those coincidences which frequently +occur, and which make people remark so often that truth is stranger than +fiction." + +"What were you thinking of then, Mr. Travers?" she asked, a little +timidly. + +"Are you not aware, Miss Eden, that your father never knew of your +existence at all? That is the strangest part of the story. But I must +not go into that now. You shall hear it all before long. Would you not +like to see your father's portrait?" + +"Oh yes, very much; but Arthur never told me that he had one." + +"I am not sure that he has one; but I possess a very fine portrait +of him, in oils, by a good artist, which, I hope, will belong to your +brother some day, for I do not wish to live for ever, Miss Eden. I +should like to show it you very much. And that leads me to one object +of my visit to-day. Mrs. Travers and I wish you to pay us a visit if +you will. We live at Kingston, and should like you to stay with us a +fortnight." + +Fan thanked him and accepted the invitation, and it was agreed that she +should go to Kingston that day week. + +"I have found out one thing since I came to see you, Miss Eden," he +said, "and it is that you are singularly frank. One effect of that is to +make me wish to be frank with you. Now I am going to confess that I +came today with some misgivings. I remembered, my dear child, the +circumstances of your birth and bringing up, and could not help fearing +that your brother had been a little blinded by his feelings, and had +seen a little more in you than you possessed. But I do not wonder now at +what he said of you. If your father had lived till now I think that he +would have been proud of his child, and yet he was a fastidious man." + +"Thank you, Mr. Travers; but you, perhaps, think all that because I +am--because you think I am pretty." + +Mr. Travers smiled. "Well, your prettiness is a part of you--an +appropriate part, I think, but only a part after all. You see I am not +afraid of spoiling you. You are strangely like your father; in the shape +of your face, the colour of your eyes, and in your voice you are like +him." + +She was looking up at him, drinking in his words with eager pleasure. + +"I see that you like to hear about him," he said, taking her hand. "But +all I have to tell you must be put off until we meet at Kingston. I +am only sorry that you will find no young people there. My sons and +daughters are all married and away. I have some grandchildren as old +as you are, and they are often with us, but at present Mrs. Travers is +alone." + +After a few more words, he bade her good-bye and left her, and only +after he had gone Fan remembered that she had intended to confess to +him, among other things, that she had been extravagant with somebody's +money. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + +The lawyer's visit had given her something to think of and to do; +forthwith she began to prepare for her fortnight's stay at Kingston +with much zeal and energy. It was a great deal to her to be able to +look forward to the companionship for a short time of even an elderly, +perhaps very dignified, lady, her loneliness did so weigh upon her. +It had not so weighed before; she had had her daily occupations, the +companionship of her fellow-assistants, and had always felt tired and +glad to rest in the evening. Now that this strange new life had come to +her, that the days were empty yet her heart full, to be so completely +cut off from her fellows and thrown back on herself, to have not one +sympathetic friend among all these multitudes around her, appeared +unnatural, and made all the good things she possessed seem almost a +vanity and a delusion. + +Sitting in the shade in Hyde Park, she had begun to find a vague +pleasure in recognising individuals she had seen and noticed on +previous occasions in the moving well-dressed crowd--the same tall spare +military-looking gentleman with the grey moustache; the same three slim +pretty girls with golden hair and dressed alike in grey and terra-cotta; +the same two young gentlemen together, both wearing tight morning +coats, silk hats, and tan gloves, but in their faces so different! one +colourless, thoughtful, with eyes bent down; the other burnt brown by +tropical heats and looking so glad to be in London once more. Were they +brothers, or dear friends, reunited after a long separation, with many +strange experiences to tell? To see them again day after day was like +seeing people she knew; it was pleasant and painful at the same time. +But as the slow heavy days went on, and after all her preparations were +complete, and still other days remained to be got through before she +could leave London, the dissatisfied feeling grew in her until she +thought that it would be a joy even to meet that poor laundry-woman +who had given her shelter at Dudley Grove, only to look once more into +familiar friendly eyes. During these days the memory of Constance and +Mary was persistently with her; for these two had become associated +together in her mind, as if the two distinct periods of her life at +Dawson Place and Eyethorne had been the same, and she could not think of +one without the other. She had loved and still loved them both so much; +they were both so beautiful and strong and proud in their different +ways; and in their strength perhaps both had alike despised her weak +clinging nature, had grown tired of her affection. And at last this +perpetual want in her heart, this disquieting "passion of the past," +reached its culminating point, when, one day after dinner, she went out +for a short stroll in the park. + +The Row at that hot hour being forsaken, instead of crossing the park to +seek her favourite resting-place, she turned into the fresh shade of the +elms growing near its northern unfashionable side. She walked on until +the fountains were passed and she was in the deeper shade of Kensington +Gardens. She was standing on the very spot where she had watched three +ragged little children playing together, heaping up the old dead brown +leaves. The image of the little girl struggling up from the heap in +which her rude playfellows had thrown her, with tearful dusty face, and +dead leaves clinging to her clothes and disordered hair, made Fan laugh, +and then in a moment she could scarcely keep back the tears. For now a +hundred sweet memories rushed into her heart--her walks in the Gardens, +all the little incidents, the early blissful days when she lived with +Mary; and so vividly was the past seen and realised, yet so immeasurably +far did it seem to her and so irrecoverably lost, that the sweetness was +overmastered by the pain, and the pain was like anguish. And yet with +that feeling in her heart, so strong that it made her cheeks pallid and +her steps languid, she went on to visit every spot associated in her +mind with some memory of that lost time. Under that very tree, one +chill October day, she had given charity unasked to a pale-faced man, +shivering in thin clothes; and there too she had comforted a poor +wild-haired little boy whose stronger companions had robbed him of all +the chestnut-burs and acorns he had gathered; and on this sacred spot +a small angelic child walking with its mamma had put up its arms and +demanded a kiss. Even the Albert Memorial was not overlooked, but she +went not there to admire the splendour of colour and gold, and the +procession of marble men of all ages and all lands, led by old Homer +playing on his lyre. She looked only on the colossal woman seated on her +elephant, ever gazing straight before her, shading her eyes from the +hot Asiatic sun with her hand, for that majestic face of marble, and the +proud beautiful mouth that reminded her of Mary, had also memories +for her. And at last her rambles brought her to the extreme end of +the Gardens, to the once secluded grove between Kensington Palace and +Bayswater Hill; for even that bitter spot among the yew and pine-trees +must be visited now. She found the very seat where she had rested +on that unhappy day in early spring, shortly after her adventure at +Twickenham, when, as she then imagined, her beloved friend and protector +had so cruelly betrayed and abandoned her. How desolate and heart-broken +she had felt, seated there alone on that morning in early spring, in +that green dress which Mary had given her--how she had sobbed there by +herself, abandoned, unloved, alone in the world! And after all Mary had +done her no wrong, and Mary herself had found her in that lonely place! +The whole scene of their meeting rose with a painful distinctness before +her mind. In memory she heard again the slight rustle of a dress, the +tread of a light foot on a dead leaf that had startled her; she listened +again to all the scornful cutting words that had the effect at last +of waking such a strange frenzy of rage in her, a rage that was like +insanity. And now how gladly would she have dismissed the rest, but the +tyrant Memory would not let her be, she must re-live it all again, and +not one feeling, thought, or word be left out. Oh, why, why did she +remember it all now--when, starting from her seat as if some demon had +possessed her, she turned on her mocker with words such as had never +defiled her lips before, which she now shuddered to recall? Unable to +shake these hateful memories off, and with face crimsoned with shame, +she rose from the seat and hurriedly walked away towards Bayswater +Hill. Issuing from the Gardens she stood hesitating for some time, and +finally, as if unable to resist the strange impulse that was drawing +her, she turned into St. Petersburg Place, looking long at each familiar +building--the fantastic, mosque-like red-brick synagogue; and just +beyond it St. Sophia, the ugly Greek cathedral, yellow, squat, and +ponderous; and midway between these two--a thing of beauty--St. +Matthew's Church, grey and Gothic, with its slender soaring spire. In +Pembridge Square she paused to ask herself if it was not time to +turn back. No, not yet, a few steps more would bring her to the old +turning--that broad familiar way only as long as the width of two houses +with their gardens, from which she might look for a few moments into +that old beloved place where she had lived with Mary. And having reached +the opening, and even ventured a few paces into it, she thought, "No, +not there, I must not go one step further, for to see the dear old house +would be too painful now." But against her will, and in spite of pain +and the fear of greater pain, her feet carried her on, slowly, step by +step, and in another minute she was walking on the broad clean pavement +of Dawson Place. + +How familiar it looked, lovely and peaceful under the hot July sun; the +detached houses set well back from the road, still radiant as of old +with flowers in the windows and gardens! It was strangely quiet, and +only two persons beside herself were walking there--a lady with a girl +of ten or twelve carrying a bunch of water-lilies in her hand, which she +had probably just bought at Westbourne Grove. They passed her, talking +and laughing, and went into one of the houses; and after that it seemed +stiller than ever. Only a sparrow burst out into blithe chirruping +notes, which had a strangely joyous ring in them. And here where she had +expected greater pain her pain was healed. Something from far, something +mysterious, seemed to rest on that spot, to make it unlike all other +places within the great city. What was it--this calm which stilled her +throbbing heart; this touch of glory and subtle fragrance entering her +soul and turning all bitterness there to sweetness? Perhaps the shy +spirit of life and loveliness, mother of men and of wild-flowers and +grasses, had come to it, bringing a whiter sunshine and the mystic +silence of her forests, and touching every flowery petal with her +invisible finger to make it burn like fire, and giving a ringing +woodland music to the sparrow's voice. + +In that brightness and silence she could walk there, thinking calmly of +the vanished days. How real it all seemed--Mary, and her life with Mary: +all the rest of her life seemed pale and dream-like in comparison, and +the images of all other men and women looked dim in her mind when she +thought of the woman, sweet, strong, and passion-rocked, who had taken +her to her heart. Slowly she walked along the pavement, looking at each +well-known house as she passed, and when she reached the house where +she had lived, walking slower still, while her eyes rested lovingly, +lingeringly on it. And as she passed it, both to leave it so soon, it +occurred to her that she could easily invent some innocent pretext for +calling. She would see the lady of the house to ask for Miss Starbrow's +present address. Not that she would ever write to Mary again, even if +the address were known, but it would be an excuse to go to the door +with, to see the interior once more--the shady tessellated hall, perhaps +the drawing-room. Turning in at the gate, she ascended the broad white +steps, and their whiteness made her smile a little sadly, reminding her +of the old dark days before Mary had been her friend. + +Her knock was answered by a neat-looking parlourmaid. + +"I called to see the lady of the house," said Fan. "Is she in?" + +"Yes, miss; will you please walk in," and she led the way to the +drawing-room. "What name shall I say, miss?" said the girl. + +Fan gave her a card, and then, left alone, sat down and began eagerly +studying the well-remembered room. There were ferns and blossoming +plants in large blue pots about the room, and some pictures, and a few +chairs and knick-knacks she had never seen, and a new Persian carpet on +the floor; but everything else was unchanged. The grand piano was in the +old place, open, with loose sheets of music lying on it, just as if Mary +herself had been there practising an hour before. + +She was sitting with her back to the door, and did not hear it open. The +slight rustling sound of a dress caught her ear, and turning quickly, +she beheld Mary herself standing before her. It might have been only +yesterday that Mary had spoken those cruel-kind words and left her +in tears at Eyethorne. For there was no change in her--in that strong +beautiful face, the raven hair and full dark eyes, the proud, sweet +mouth--which Foley might have had for a model when he chiselled his +"Asia"--and that red colour on her cheeks, richer and softer than ever +burned on sea-shell or flower. + +The instant that Fan turned she recognised her visitor, and remained +standing motionless, holding the girl's card in her hand, her face +showing the most utter astonishment. If a visitor from the other world +had appeared to her she could not have looked more astonished. Meanwhile +Fan, forgetting everything else in the joy of seeing Mary again, had +started to her feet, and with a glad cry and outstretched arms moved +towards her. Then the other regained possession of her faculties; she +dropped her hand to her side, the colour forsook her face, and it grew +cold and hard as stone, while the old black look came to her brows. + +"Pray resume your seat, Miss Paradise--I beg your pardon, Miss----" here +she consulted the card--"Miss Eden," she finished, her lips curling. + +"Oh, I forgot about the card," exclaimed Fan deeply distressed. "You are +vexed with me because--because it looks as if I wished to take you by +surprise. Will you let me explain about my change of name?" + +"You need not take that trouble, Miss--Eden. I have not the slightest +interest in the subject. I only desire to know the object of this +visit." + +"My object was only to--to see the inside of the house again. I did +not know that you were living here now. I had invented an excuse for +calling. But if I had know you were here--oh, if you knew how I have +wished to see you!" + +"I do not wish to know anything about it, Miss Eden. Have you so +completely forgotten the circumstances which led to our parting, and the +words I wrote to you on that occasion?" + +"No, I have not forgotten," said Fan despairingly; "but when I saw you +I thought--I hoped that the past would not be remembered--that you would +be glad to see me again." + +"Then you made a great mistake, Miss Eden; and I hope this interview +will serve to convince you, if you did not know it before, that I am not +one to change, that I never repent of what I do, or fail to be as good +as my word." + +"Then I must go," said Fan, scarcely able to keep back the tears that +were gathering thick in her eyes. "But I am so sorry--so sorry! I +wish--I wish you could think differently about it and forgive me if I +have offended you." + +"There is nothing to be gained by prolonging this conversation, which is +not pleasant to me," returned the other haughtily, advancing to the bell +to summon the servant. + +"Wait one moment--please don't ring yet," cried Fan, hurrying forward, +the tears now starting from her eyes. "Oh, Mary, will you not shake +hands with me before I go?" + +Miss Starbrow moved back a step or two and stared deliberately at her +face, as if amazed and angered beyond measure at her persistence. And +for some moments they stood thus, not three feet apart, gazing into each +other's eyes, Fan's tearful, full of eloquent pleading, her hands still +held out; and still the other delayed to speak the cutting words that +trembled on her lips. A change came over her scornful countenance; +the corners of her mouth twitched nervously, as if some sharp pang had +touched her heart; the dark eyes grew misty, and in another moment Fan +was clasped to her breast. + +"Oh, Fan!--dearest Fan!--darling--you have beaten me again!" she +exclaimed spasmodically, half-sobbing. "Oh what a strange girl you are! +... To come and--take me by storm like that! ... And I was so determined +never to relent--never to go back from what I said.... But you have +swept it all away--all my resolutions--everything. Oh, Fan, can you +ever, ever forgive me for being such a brute? But I had to act in that +way--there was no help for it. I couldn't break my word--I never do. +You know, Fan, that I never change.... Is it really you?--oh, I can't +believe it--I can't realise it--here in my own house! Let me look at +your dear face again." + +And drawing back their heads they gazed into each other's faces once +more, Fan crying and laughing by turns, while Mary, the strong woman, +could do nothing but cry now. + +"The same dear grey eyes, but oh, how beautiful you have grown," she +went on. "I shall never forgive myself--never cease to hate myself after +this. And yet, dearest, what could I do? I had solemnly vowed never to +speak to you again if we met. I should have been a poor weak creature if +I hadn't--you must know that. And now--oh, how could I resist so long, +and be so cruel? I know I'm very illogical, but--I hate it, there!--I +mean logic--don't you?" + +"I hardly know what it is, Mary, but if you hate it, so do I with all my +heart." + +"That's a dear sensible girl. How sweet it is to hear that 'Mary' from +your lips again! How often I have wished to hear it!--the wish has even +made me cry. For I have never ceased to think of you and love you, +Fan, even when I was determined never to speak to you again. But let me +explain something. Though you disobeyed me, Fan, and spoke so lightly +about it, just as if you believed that you could do what you liked with +me, I still might have overlooked it if it had not been for my brother +Tom's interference. I was very much offended with you, and when we spoke +of you I said that I intended giving you up, but I don't think I really +meant it in my heart. But he put himself into a passion about it, and +abused me, and called me a demon, and dared me to do what I threatened, +and said that if I did he would never speak to me again. That settled +it at once. To be talked to in that way by anyone--even by Tom--is more +than my flesh and blood can stand. And so we parted--it was at Ravenna, +an old Italian city--and of course I did what I said, and from that day +to this we have not exchanged a line, nor ever shall until he apologises +for his words. That's how it happened, and what woman with any +self-respect--would not _you_ have acted in the same way, Fan, in such a +case?" + +"No, Mary, I don't think so. But we are so different, you so strong and +I so weak." + +"Are you really weak? I am not so sure. You have taken me captive, +at all events." And then her eyes suddenly growing misty again, she +continued: "Fan, you have a strength which I never had, which, in the +old days when you lived with me, used to remind me of Longfellow's +little poem about a meek-eyed maid going through life with a lily in her +hand, one touch of which even gates of brass could not withstand. You +will forgive me, I know, but tell me now from your heart, don't you +think it was cruel--wicked of me to receive you as I did just now?" + +"You wouldn't have been so hard with me, Mary, if you had known what I +felt. All day long I have been thinking of you, and wishing--oh, how I +wished to see you again! And before coming here to see Dawson Place once +more I went and sat down on that very seat in Kensington Gardens +where you found me crying by myself on that day--do you remember?--and +where--and where--oh, how I cried again only to think of it! How could +I speak to you as I did--in that horrible way--when you had loved me so +much!" + +"Hush, Fan, for heaven's sake! You make me feel as if you had put your +hand down into me and had wound all the strings of my heart round your +fingers, and--I can't bear it. I think nothing of what you said in your +anger, but only of my cruelty to you then and on other occasions. Oh, +do let's speak of something else. Look, there is your card on the floor +where I dropped it. Why do you call yourself Miss Eden--how do you come +to be so well-dressed, and looking more like some delicately-nurtured +patrician's daughter than a poor girl? Do tell me your story now." + +And the story was told as they sat together by the open window in +the pleasant room; and when they had drank tea at five o'clock, much +remaining yet to be told--much in spite of the gaps Fan saw fit to leave +in her narrative--Mary said: + +"Will you dine with me, Fan? You shall name the hour yourself if you +will only stay--seven, eight, nine if you like." + +"I shall only be too glad to stay for as long as you care to have me," +said Fan. + +"Then will you sleep here? I have a guest's room all ready, a lovely +little room, only I think if you sleep there I shall sit by your bedside +all night." + +"Then if I stay I shall sleep with you, Mary, so as not to keep you up," +said Fan laughing. "Can I send a telegram to my landlady to say that I +shall not be home to-night?" + +"Yes; after it gets cool we might walk to the post-office in the Grove +to send it." + +And thus it was agreed, and so much had they to say to each other +that not until the morning light began to steal into their bedroom, +to discover them lying on one pillow, raven-black and golden tresses +mingled together, did any drowsy feeling come to them. And even then at +intervals they spoke. + +"Mary," said Fan, after a rather long silence, "have you ever heard of +Rosie since?" + +"No; but I saw her once. I went to the Alhambra to see a ballet that was +admired very much, and I recognised Rosie on the stage in spite of her +paint and ballet dress. I couldn't stay another moment after that. +I should have left the theatre if--if--well, never mind. Don't speak +again, Fan, we must go to sleep now." + +But another question was inevitable. "Just one word more, Mary; have you +never heard of Captain Horton since?" + +"Ah, I thought that was coming! Yes, once. Just about the time when +I returned from abroad, I had a letter from my bankers to say that +he--that man--had paid a sum of money--about two hundred and thirty +pounds--to my account. It was money I had lent him a long time before, +and he had the audacity to ask them to send him a receipt in my +handwriting! I told them to send the man a receipt themselves, and to +inform him from me that I was sorry he had paid the money, as it had +reminded me of his hateful existence." + +After another interval Fan remarked, "I am glad he paid the money, +Mary." + +"Why--do you think I couldn't afford to lose that? I would rather have +lost it." + +"I wasn't thinking of the money. But it showed that he had some right +feelings--that he was not altogether bad." + +"You should be the last person to say that, Fan. You should hate his +memory with all your heart." + +"I am so happy to be with you again, Mary; I feel that I cannot hate +anyone, however wicked he may be." + +"Yes, you are like that Scotch minister who prayed for everything he +could think of in earth and heaven, and finally finished up by praying +for the devil. But are you really so happy, dear Fan? Is your happiness +quite complete--is there nothing wanting?" + +"I should like very, very much to know where Constance is." + +"Well, judging from what you have told me, I should think she must be +very miserable indeed. They are very poor, no doubt, and in ordinary +circumstances poverty would perhaps not make her unhappy, for, being +intellectual, she would always have the beauty of her own intellect and +the stars to think about." + +"Do you really think that, Mary--that she is miserable?" + +"I do indeed. When she, poor fool! married Merton Chance, she leant on +a reed, and it would be strange if it had not broken and pierced her to +the quick." + +And after that there was silence, broken only by a sad sigh from Fan; +which meant that she knew it and always had known it, but had gone on +hoping against hope that the fragile reed would not break to pierce that +loved one. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + +Nearly the whole of Fan's remaining time before going to Kingston was +passed at Dawson Place. Her happiness was perfect, like the sunshine she +had found resting on that dear spot on her return to it, pure, without +stain of cloud. For into Mary's vexed heart something new seemed to have +come, something strange to her nature, a novel meekness, a sweetness +that did not sour, so that their harmony continued unbroken to the end. +And, oddly enough, or not oddly perhaps, since she was not "logical," +she seemed now greatly to sympathise with Fan's growing anxiety about +the lost Constance. Not one trace of the petty jealous feeling which had +caused so much trouble in the past remained; she was heartily ashamed of +it now, and was filled with remorse when she recalled her former unkind +and capricious behaviour. + +At length Fan went on her visit, not without a pang of regret at parting +so soon again, even for a short time, from the friend she had recovered. +She was anxious to hear that "strange story" about her father which the +lawyer had promised to relate; apart from that, she did not anticipate +much pleasure from her stay at Kingston. + +The Travers' house was at a little distance from the town, and stood +well back on the road, screened from sight by trees and a high brick +wall. It was a large, low, old-fashioned, rambling house, purchased by +its owner many years before, when he had a numerous family with him, and +required plenty of house-room; but its principal charm to Fan was the +garden, covering about four acres of ground, well stocked with a great +variety of shrubs and flowers, and containing some trees of noble +growth. + +Mrs. Travers was not many years younger than her husband; and yet +she did not look old, although her health was far from good, her +more youthful appearance being due to a false front of glossy +chestnut-coloured hair, an occasional visit to the rouge-pot, and other +artificial means used by civilised ladies to mitigate the ravages +of time. In other things also she offered a striking contrast to her +husband, being short and stout, or fat; she was also a dressy dame, and +burdened her podgy fingers and broad bosom with too much gold and too +many precious stones--yellow, blue, and red; and her silk dresses were +also too bright-hued for a lady of her years and figure. Her favourite +strong blues and purples would have struck painfully on the refined +colour-sense of an aesthete. On the other hand, to balance these +pardonable defects, she was kind-hearted; not at all artificial in her +manner and conversation, or unduly puffed up with her position, as one +might have expected her to be from her appearance; and, to put her +chief merit last, she reverenced her husband, and believed that in all +things--except, perhaps, in those small matters sacred to femininity, +which concerned her personal adornment--"he knew best." She was +consequently prepared to extend a warm welcome to her young visitor, +and, for her husband's sake, to do as much to make her visit pleasant +as if she had been the lawful daughter of her husband's late friend and +client, Colonel Eden. + +Nevertheless, after the days she had spent with Mary, Fan did not find +Mrs. Travers' society exhilarating. The lady had given up walking, +except a very little in the garden, but on most days she went out for +carriage exercise in the morning, after Mr. Travers had gone to town. At +two o'clock the ladies would lunch, after which Fan would be alone until +the five o'clock tea, when her hostess would reappear in a gay dress, +and a lovely carmine bloom on her cheeks--the result of her refreshing +noonday slumbers. After tea they would spend an hour together in the +garden talking and reading. Mrs. Travers, having bad eyesight, accepted +Fan's offer to read to her. She read nothing but periodicals--short +social sketches, smart paragraphs, jokes, and occasionally a tale, if +very short, so that Fan found her task a very light one. She had +_The World, Truth, The Whitehall Review, The Queen_ and _The Lady's +Pictorial_ every week; and in the last-named paper Fan read out a little +sketch--one of a series called "Eastern Idylls"--which she liked better +than anything else for its graceful style and delicate pathos. So much +did it please her, that she looked up the back numbers of the paper, and +read all the sketches in them, each relating some little domestic East +End incident or tale, pathetic or humorous, or both, with scenes and +characters lightly drawn, yet with such skilful touches, and put so +clearly before the mind, that it was impossible not to believe that +these pictures were from life. + +At half-past six Mr. Travers would return from town, and at seven they +dined, sitting long at table; and afterwards, if there were friends, +there would be a rubber of whist. It was a quiet almost sleepy +existence, and Fan began to look forward with a little impatience to the +end of her fortnight, when she would be able to return to her friend. +For Mary's last words had been, "I shall not leave London without +you." But she first wished to hear the "strange story" Mr. Travers +had promised to tell, but about which he had spoken no word since her +arrival. Every day she was reminded of it, for in the dining-room was +the portrait of her father, painted, life-size, by a Royal Academician, +and showing a gentleman aged about thirty-five years, with a handsome +oval face, grey eyes, thin straight nose, and hair and well-trimmed +moustache and Vandyke beard of a deep golden brown, the moustache not +altogether hiding the pleasant, somewhat voluptuous mouth. And it seemed +to Fan when she looked at it and the grey eyes gazed back into hers, and +the pleasant lips seemed to smile on her, that she had never seen among +living men a more beautiful and lovable face. + +The sixth day of her visit was Sunday. Mr. Travers breakfasted alone +with her, his wife not having risen yet, and after breakfast he asked +her if she wished to go to church. + +"Not unless you are going or wish me to go," returned Fan. + +"Then, Miss Eden, let us stay at home, and have a morning to ourselves +in the garden. We have not yet had much time to talk, as I am generally +rather tired in the evenings. And besides, what I wish to talk to you +about is one of _my_ secrets, and it could not be mentioned before +another." + +They were out in the garden sitting in the shade, when he surprised her +by saying, "Are you at all superstitious, Miss Eden?" + +"I am not quite sure that I understand you," replied Fan, with a little +hesitation. "Do you mean religious, Mr. Travers?" + +"Well, no, not exactly. But superstition is undoubtedly a word of many +meanings, and some people give it a very wide one, as your question +implies. I used the word in a more restricted sense--in the sense in +which we say that believers in dreams, presentiments, and apparitions +are superstitious. My belief was--I am not sure whether I can say +_is_--that your father was infected with superstitions of this kind. +But I must tell you the whole story, and then you will understand what +I mean when I say that it is a strange one. He was one of several +children; and, by the way, that reminds me that--but let that pass." + +"Do you mean--have I--has my brother many relations--uncles, aunts, and +cousins, Mr. Travers?" said Fan, a little eagerly. + +"Well," he answered, smiling a little and stroking his chin, "yes. Your +half-brother's mother had two married sisters, both with large families; +but I do not think that Mr. Arthur Eden is intimate with them. I think I +have heard him say as much." + +Fan, noting that he cautiously confined himself to her brother's +relations on the mother's side, grew red, and secretly resolved never to +ask such a question again, even of Arthur. + +The other continued: "Being one of several children, and not the eldest, +his income was a small one for a young man of rather expensive habits +and in the army. He was in difficulties on several occasions, and it +was at that period that our acquaintance ripened into a very close +friendship--as warm a friendship as can exist between two men living +totally different lives, moving in different social worlds, and with a +considerable difference in their ages. + +"When about thirty-eight years old he married a lady with a considerable +fortune, which was not in any way settled on herself, and consequently +became his. It was not a happy marriage, and after the birth of their +son--their only child--and Mrs. Eden not being in good health, she went +to live at Winchester, where she had relations and where her son was +educated; and for several years husband and wife lived apart. His wife +died about fourteen years after her marriage, and, I am glad to say, he +was with her during her last illness, but afterwards he returned to his +old life in London, and went very much into society. Finally his health +failed; and when he discovered that his malady, although a slow, was an +incurable one, his habits and disposition changed, and he grew morbid, I +think--possibly from brooding too much on his condition. + +"Up to this time he had paid no attention to religion; now it became the +sole subject of his thoughts. He attended a ritualistic church in the +neighbourhood of Oxford Street, and gave up the house he had occupied +before, and took another only a few doors removed from the church, so as +to be able to attend all the services, one of which was held daily at a +very early hour of the morning. In this church, confession and penances, +and other things in which the ritualists imitate the Roman Catholics, +are in use, and the vicar, or priest as he is called, gained a great +influence over Colonel Eden's mind. + +"He had at this time entirely given up going into society, but his +intimacy with me, which had lasted so many years, continued to the end. +Shortly before he died, and about three years and a half to four years +ago, he told me that he had had a strange dream, which he persisted in +regarding as of the supernatural order. This dream came to him on three +consecutive nights, and after several conversations with his priest and +confessor on the subject, and being encouraged by him in the belief that +it was something more than a mere wandering of the disordered fancy, he +consulted me about it. It was then that for the first time he told me +the story of Margaret Affleck, a girl in a humble position in life who +had engaged his affections some fourteen years before, and from whom he +had parted after a few months' acquaintance. He assured me that he had +all but forgotten this affair; that when parting from her he had given +her some money as a compensation for the trouble he had brought on her; +while, on her side, she had told him that she would not be disgraced, +but that she would marry a young man in her own class, who was willing +and anxious to take her. + +"At all events, during those fourteen years he had never seen nor heard +anything of her. Then comes the dream. He dreamt that he was in the +church for early matins, and that he heard a voice calling 'Father, +father!' to him, and on looking round saw a poor girl in ragged clothes, +and with a pale, exceedingly sad face, and that he had no sooner looked +on her than he knew that she was his child, and the child of Margaret +Affleck. She was crying piteously, and wringing her hands and imploring +him to deliver her from her misery; and in his struggling efforts to go +to her he woke. + +"This dream, as I said, returned to him night after night, and so preyed +on his mind that he interpreted it as a command from some Superior Power +to seek out this lost child and save her. I tried my best to argue him +out of his delusion, for I was convinced that it was nothing more; but +seeing him so determined, and so fully persuaded in his own mind that +unless he made atonement his sins would not be forgiven, I gave way, +and had inquiries made in various directions. I advertised for Margaret +Affleck; for I could not, of course, advertise for a child of whose +existence there was not any evidence. But though we advertised a +great many times both in the London and Norfolk papers--Colonel Eden +remembered that the girl belonged to Norfolk--we could not find the +right person. Colonel Eden, however, still clung to the belief that +the daughter he believed in would eventually be found, and he even +contemplated adding a clause to his will, in which everything was left +unconditionally to his son, to make provision for her. This intention +was not carried out, but shortly before his death he told me that he had +left a sealed letter for his son, who was abroad at the time, informing +him of the dream, or revelation, and asking him to continue the search, +and to provide generously for the child when she should be found. He +never for a moment seemed to doubt that she would be found; but his +belief was that we would find in her not, my dear girl, one like +yourself--fresh and unsullied as the flower in your hand, beautiful in +spirit as in person." + +"What did he believe you would find? Will you please tell me, Mr. +Travers?" said Fan, a tremor in her voice. + +"He believed when he had that dream that you were in the lowest depths +of poverty--in misery, and exposed to all the dangers and temptations +which surround a destitute young girl, motherless perhaps, and +friendless, and homeless, in London. Dear child, I cannot tell you +all or what he feared," he finished, putting his hand lightly on her +shoulder. + +There were tears in her eyes, and she averted her face to hide the rush +of crimson to her cheeks. + +Mr. Travers continued: "The news of Colonel Eden's death reached Arthur +in Mexico, and he came home at once. He showed me the letter I have +mentioned, and asked me to advise him what to do. But from the first +he had taken the same view of the matter which I had taken, and which I +suppose that ninety-nine men out of every hundred would take, and I must +say that he did not do much to find the girl, nor was there anything to +be done after our advertisements had failed. The rest of the story you +know, Miss Eden. When I last saw your brother I told him that after +making your acquaintance, if I found you what he had painted, I should +in all probability tell you this story, and he made no objection. I fear +it has given you pain, still it was best that you should know it. And +perhaps now you will not think that your brother was wrong in opening +his heart to me." + +"No, I think he was right, and I am very, very grateful to you for +telling me about my father." After a while she continued: "But, Mr. +Travers, I hardly know what to say about the dream. I have heard and +read of such things, and--I was just what he imagined--just like the +girl he saw in his dream. And when my life was so miserable, if I had +known where to find him--if mother could have told me--I should have +gone to him to ask him to save me. But--how can I say it? Don't you +think, Mr. Travers, that if dreams and warnings were sent to us--if good +spirits could let us know things in that way and tell us what to do, +that it would happen oftener? ... There are always so many in distress +and danger, and sometimes so little is needed to save one--a few pence, +a few kind words--and yet how many fall, how many die! Even in the +Regent's Canal how many poor women throw their lives away--and nothing +saves them.... I am not glad to hear that it was a dream that first made +my father wish to find mother--and me. I should have preferred to hear +that he thought of her--of us, before he fell into such bad health, and +when he was strong and happy.... Do you think his dream was sent from +heaven, Mr. Travers?" + +"I am not prepared to express an opinion as to that, Miss Eden," he +replied, with a grave smile. "But I have been listening to your words +with great interest and a little surprise. Most young ladies, I fancy, +would have been deeply impressed with such a narrative, and they would +readily and gladly have adopted the view that some supernatural agency +had been concerned in the matter. You, strange to say, do not seem to +look on yourself as a special favourite of the powers above, and think +that others have as much right as yourself to be rescued miraculously +from perils and sufferings. Well--you have not a romantic mind, Miss +Eden." + +"No, I don't think I have--I have had the same thing said to me two or +three times before," replied Fan naively. "But I wish you would tell +me more about my father when he was healthy and happy. Was he really as +handsome as he looks in the portrait? It seems so life-like that when I +am looking at it I can hardly realise that he is not somewhere living on +the earth, that I shall never hold his hand and hear his voice." + +The old lawyer was quite ready to gratify her curiosity on the point, +and told her a great deal about her father's life. "There is one thing +I omitted to mention before," he said at the end. "Your brother would +gladly do anything in his power to make you happy; at the same time he +wishes you to understand that in providing for you he is only carrying +out his father's intentions, and that you will owe it to your father, +and not to him." + +"But I shall still feel the same gratitude to my brother, Mr. Travers." + +"Well, no harm can come of that, and--we cannot help our feelings. Just +now it is your brother's fancy to leave you in ignorance of the amount +of your income, which I think you will find sufficient. For a year or +so you have as it were _carte blanche_ to do what you like in the way +of spending, and if you should exceed your income by fifty or a hundred +pounds I don't think anything alarming will happen. And now, Miss Eden, +is there nothing I can do for you? Nothing you would like to ask my +advice about?" + +"Oh yes, thank you, there is one thing," and she told him all about her +friend Constance, and her anxiety to find her. + +Mr. Travers made a note of the matter. "There will be no difficulty in +finding them," he said. "I shall have inquiries made to-morrow. I hope," +he added with a smile, "you are not going to become a convert to Mr. +Merton Chance's doctrines." + +"Oh no," she replied laughing. "My only wish is to find Mrs. Chance. +Mrs. Churton once said, when she was a little vexed with me, that it was +like pouring water on a duck's back to give me religious instruction. +I am sure that if Mr. Chance ever speaks to me about his new beliefs I +shall have my feathers well oiled." + +Meanwhile Mrs. Travers had been keeping the luncheon back, and watching +them engaged in that long conversation from her seat at the window. The +good woman had been the wife of her husband for a great many years, but +she had not yet outlived that natural belief that a wife has to "know +everything" her husband knows; and she had guessed that those two were +discussing secret matters which they had no intention of imparting to +her. A woman has a faculty about such things which corresponds to scent +in the terrier; the little mystery is there--the small rodent lurks +behind the wainscot; she is consumed with a desire to get at it--to +worry its life out; and if it refuse to leave its hiding-place she +cannot rest and be satisfied. It was her nature; and though she asked no +questions, knowing that her husband was not to be caught in that way, he +did not fail to remark the slight frost which had fallen on her manner +and her polite and distant tone towards their guest. Well aware of +the cause, and too old to be annoyed, it only gave him a little secret +amusement. He had warned the girl, and that was enough. The little chill +would pass off in time, and no harm would result. + +It did not pass off quickly, however, but lasted three or four days, +during which time Mrs. Travers was somewhat distant in her manner, and +declined Fan's offer to read to her; and Fan remarked the change, but +was at a loss to account for it. But one day, after lunch, when they +rose from the table, she said, "Oh, Mrs. Travers, do you know that +the _Pic_. is in the drawing-room? I have been anxiously waiting since +Saturday to know what the last 'Eastern Idyll' is about." + +"And why have you not read it, Miss Eden?" said the other, a little +stiffly. + +"I thought that you would perhaps let me read it to you--I did not wish +to read it first." + +The good woman smiled and consented. Her sight was not good, and the +sketches were always printed in a painfully small type; and besides, +they seemed different to her when the girl read them; her low musical +voice, so clear and penetrating, yet pathetic, had seemed to interpret +the writer's feeling so well. And so the frost melted, and she became +more kind and friendly than ever. + +Mr. Travers, much to his own surprise, failed to discover Fan's lost +friends. One thing he had done was to send a clerk to the office of +the paper with the singular title to ask for Mr. Chance's address. The +answer he received from a not over-polite gentleman he met there was, +"We don't know nothing about Mr. Merton Chance in this horfice, and +don't want to, nether." + +Mr. Travers had to confess that he could not find Merton Chance. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + +Before Fan's visit came to an end, the Travers gave a dinner to some of +their Kingston friends and neighbours. The hour was seven, and all the +guests, save one, arrived at the right time, and after fifteen minutes' +grace had been allowed, Mrs. Travers discovered to her dismay that +they would sit down thirteen at table. She was superstitious, in the +restricted sense in which her husband used the word, and was plainly +distressed. Two or three of the ladies, including Fan, who were in the +secret, were discussing this grave matter with her. + +"I shall not dine, Mrs. Travers; do please let me stop out!" said Fan. + +"No, my dear Miss Eden, I couldn't think of such a thing," said Mrs. +Travers. + +Then another lady offered to eat her dinner standing, for so long as +they did not sit down thirteen "it would be all right," she said. But it +was one of those unfortunate remarks which sound personal, the obliging +lady being very tall and slender, while her short and stout hostess did +not look much higher when standing than when seated. + +"It is really too bad of him!" was her sole remark. + +"Is he nice?" asked another lady. + +"Not very, I think, if he makes us sit down thirteen, and leaves Miss +Eden with no one to take her in. But you can judge for yourself, for +here he is--I am _so_ glad!" + +The late guest advancing to them was now shaking hands with his hostess, +and apologising for being the last to arrive; while Fan, who had +suddenly turned very pale, shrank back as if anxious to avoid being +seen by him. It was Captain Horton, not much changed in appearance, but +thinner and somewhat care-worn and jaded. Mrs. Travers at once proceeded +to introduce him to Fan, and asked him to take her in to dinner, and +being preoccupied she did not notice the girl's altered and painfully +distressed appearance. He bowed and offered his arm, but he started +perceptibly when first glancing at her face. Fan, barely resting her +fingers on his sleeve, moved on by his side, her eyes cast down, as they +followed the other guests, both keeping silence. At the table, their +neighbours on either side being deeply engaged in conversation with +their respective partners, Captain Horton found himself placed in an +exceedingly trying position, but until he had finished his soup, which +he ate but did not taste, he made no attempt to speak. The name of Eden +mystified him, and more than once his eyes wandered to that portrait +hanging on the wall opposite to where he was sitting, to find its grey +eyes watching him; yet he had no doubt in his mind that the young lady +by his side was the girl he had known at Dawson Place as Fan Affleck. +At length, to avoid attracting attention, he felt compelled to say +something, and made some commonplace remarks about the weather--its +excessive heat and dryness; it had not been so hot for years. "At +noon in the City to-day," he said, "the thermometer marked eighty-nine +degrees in the shade." + +Fan's monosyllabic replies were scarcely audible; she was very pale, and +kept her eyes religiously fixed on the table before her. At length she +ventured to glance at him, and could not help noticing, in spite of +her distress, that he seemed as ill at ease as herself. He crumbled his +bread to powder on the cloth, and when he raised his glass to drink, +which he did often enough to fill up the time, his hand shook so as +almost to spill his wine. Seeing him so nervous, she began to experience +a kind of pity for him--some such complex feeling as a very humane +person might have for a reptile he has been taught to loathe and fear +when seeing it in pain--and at length surprised him by asking if he +lived in Kingston. He replied that he usually spent the summer months +there for the sake of the boating; and then, as if afraid that they +would drop into silence again, he put the same question to her. Fan +replied that she was only staying for a few days with her friends the +Travers. A few vapid remarks about Kingston and the river was all they +could find to say after that, and it was an immense relief when the +ladies at length rose and left the room. + +Mrs. Travers led the way through the drawing-room to the garden, but +when all her guests, except Fan, who came last, had passed out, she came +back to speak alone to the girl. + +"I am afraid you are not feeling well, my dear," she said. "You look as +pale as a ghost, and I noticed that you scarcely ate anything at dinner, +and were very silent. + +"Please don't think anything of it, Mrs. Travers. I feel quite well +now--perhaps it was the heat." + +"It _was_ hot, but it never seems like dinner unless we have the gas +lighted and draw the curtains." + +"I suppose I must have seemed very stupid to--the gentleman who took me +in," remarked Fan. "Can you tell me something about him, Mrs. Travers? +Is he a friend of yours and Mr. Travers?" + +"Are you really interested in him, Miss Eden?" said the other, with a +disconcerting smile. + +The girl's face flushed painfully. After a little reflection she said: + +"I was so silent at table, hardly answering a word when he +spoke--perhaps he thought me very strange and shy." She paused, blushing +again at her own disingenuousness. "I must have felt nervous, or +frightened, at something in him. Do you know him well--is he a bad man, +Mrs. Travers?" + +"My dear child, what a shocking thing to say--and of a gentleman you +have scarcely spoken to! You shall hear his whole biography, since you +are so curious about him. We have known him a long time: he is a +nephew of an old friend of ours--Mr. George Horton, a stockbroker, very +wealthy. Captain Horton had a small fortune left to him, but he ran +through with it, and so--had to leave the army. He was a sporting man, +and had the misfortune to lose; that, I think, is the worst that can be +said of him. About two years ago he went to his uncle and begged to be +taken on in the office; he was sick of an idle life, he said. His uncle +did not believe that he would do any good in the City, but consented +to give him a trial. Since then he has been as much absorbed in the +business as if he had been in it all his life. His uncle thinks him +wonderfully clever, and I dare say will make him a partner in the firm +before very long. And now, my dear Miss Eden, you must get rid of that +fancy about him, because it is wrong; and later in the evening when you +hear him sing--you are so fond of music!--you will like him as much as +we do." + +After this little discourse the good woman took her station at a table +in the garden to pour out the coffee. + +But there was a tumult in the girl's heart, a strange feeling she could +not analyse. It was not fear--she feared him no longer; nor hate, since, +as she had said, her happiness had taken from her the power to hate +anyone; yet it was strong as these, importunate, and its object was +clear to her soul, but how to give it expression she knew not. + +The hum of conversation suddenly grew loud in the dining-room; the +gentlemen had finished their wine, if not their discussion; they had +risen, and were about to join the ladies in the garden. The impulse in +her was so strong that it was an anguish, and she could not resist it. +Coming to the side of her hostess, she spoke hesitatingly: + +"Mrs. Travers, when they come out, I must talk to him--to Captain +Horton, I mean, and--and try to do away with the bad impression I must +have made. He must think me so shy and silent. Will it seem strange if I +should ask him to go with me round the garden to see the roses?" + +"Strange! no, indeed," returned the other with a little laugh. "He will +be very glad to look at the roses with you, I should think." + +Fan kept her place by the table when the gentlemen came out. Captain +Horton's eyes studiously avoided her face. + +"Mrs. Travers," he said, taking a cup of coffee from her hand, "I hope +you will not think worse of me than you already do if I leave you at +once. Unfortunately for me, I have an appointment which must be kept." + +"Oh that is really too bad of you," said the lady. "We were anticipating +so much pleasure from your singing this evening. And here is Miss Eden +just waiting to take you round the garden to show you our roses--perhaps +you can spare ten minutes to see them?" + +He glanced at the girl's pale, troubled face. + +"I shall be very pleased to look at the roses with Miss Eden," he +returned, setting down his cup with a somewhat unsteady hand. + +His voice, however, expressed no pleasure, but only surprise, and while +speaking he anxiously consulted his watch. Fan came round to his side at +once, and together they moved towards the lower end of the grounds. + +"Do you admire flowers?" She spoke mechanically. + +"Yes, I do." + +After an interval she spoke again. + +"Mr. Travers takes great pride in his roses. They are very lovely." + +He made no reply. + +Then at last, in a kind of despair, she added: + +"But it was not to show you the roses that I asked you to come with me." + +He inclined his head slightly, but said nothing. + +"You remember me--do you not?" she asked after a while. + +He considered the question for a few moments, then answered, "Yes, Miss +Eden." + +"Perhaps it surprised you to hear me called by that name. It was my +father's name, and I have now taken it in obedience to my brother's +wish." + +At this mention of father and brother he involuntarily glanced at her +face--that same pure delicate face to which he had once brought so +terrified a look and a pallor as of death. + +For some minutes more they paced the walks at the end of the garden in +silence, he waiting for her to speak, she unable to say anything. + +"Allow me to remind you," he said at length, looking again at his watch, +"that I am a little pressed for time. I understood, or imagined, that +you had something to say to me--not about roses." + +"I am so sorry--I can say nothing," she murmured in reply. Then after an +interval, with an effort, "But perhaps it will be the same if you know +what I came out for--if you can guess." + +"Perhaps I can guess only too well," he returned bitterly. "You were +kindly going to warn me that you intend bringing some damning accusation +against me to the Travers. You need not have troubled yourself about it; +you might have spared yourself, and me, the misery of this interview. +It surprised me very much to meet you here, as I had no desire to cross +your path. I shall not enter this house again, and Kingston will soon +see the last of me. It would have been better, I think--more maidenly, +if you will allow me to say so--to have met me as a perfect stranger and +made no sign." + +"I could not do that," she answered, with a ring of pain in her voice. +"You speak angrily, and take it for granted that I am going to do you +some injury. Oh, what a mistake you are making! Nothing would ever +induce me to breathe one word to the Travers, nor to anyone, of what I +know of you." + +He looked surprised and relieved. "Then, in heaven's name, why not try +and forget all about it? You have friends and relations now, and seem to +have made the best of your opportunities. Is there anything to be gained +by stirring up the past?" + +"I do not know. I thought so, but perhaps I was wrong." + +He looked at her again, openly, and with growing interest. He had hated +her memory, had cursed her a thousand times, for having come between him +and the woman he wanted to marry; but it made a wonderful difference in +his feelings towards her just at present to find that she was not his +enemy. "Will you sit down here, Miss Eden," he said, speaking now not +only without animosity but gently, "and let me hear what you wished to +say? I beg your pardon for the injustice I did you a minute ago, but I +am still in the dark as to your motive in seeking this interview." + +She sat down on a garden seat, under the shade of a wide-branching lime; +he a little apart. But she could say nothing, albeit so much was in +her heart, and her impulse had been so strong; so far as her power to +express that strange emotion went, in the dark he would have to remain. +She could not say to him--it was a feeling, not a thought--that her +clear soul had taken some turbidness that was foreign to it from his; +that when she forgot the past and his existence it settled and left her +pure again; she could not say--the thought existed without form in her +mind--that it would have been better if he had never been born because +he had offended; but that just because the offence had been against +herself, something of the guilt seemed to attach itself to her, causing +her to know remorse and shrink from herself; that it was somehow in his +power--he having performed this miracle--to deliver her. + +From time to time her companion glanced at her pale face; he did not +press her to speak, he could see that she was powerless; but he was +thinking of many things, and it was borne in on him that if he could +bring about a change in her feelings towards him, it might be well for +him--not in any spiritual sense; he was only thinking of Mary and his +passion for her, which had never filled his heart until the moment of +that separation which had promised to be eternal. In a vague way he +comprehended something of the feeling that was in the girl's heart; for +it was plain that to be near him was unspeakably painful to her, and +yet--strange contradiction!--she had now put herself in his way. He +dropped a few tentative words that seemed to express regret for the +past, and when he remarked that she listened eagerly, and waited for +more, he knew that he was on safe and profitable ground. Safe, and +how easy to walk on! At a moment's notice he had accepted this new, +apparently unsuitable part, and its strange passion at once grew +familiar to him, and could be expressed easily. Perhaps he even deceived +himself, for a few minutes or for half an hour while the process of +deceiving another lasted, that he had actually felt as he said--that his +changed manner of life had resulted from this feeling. "If I have not +known remorse," he said, "I pity the poor fellows who do." And much more +he said, speaking not fluently, but brokenly, with intervals of silence, +as if something that had long remained hidden had at last been wrung +from him. + +All this time Fan had said nothing, nor did she speak when he had +finished his story. Nor did he wish it; the strange trouble and pallor +had passed away, and there was a tender light in her eyes that was +better than speech. + +They rose and moved slowly towards the house. The drawing-room was +lighted, and the guests were now gathering there to listen to a lady at +the piano singing. They could hear her plainly enough, for her voice, +said to be soprano, was exceedingly shrill, and she was singing, _Tell +me, my heart_--a difficult thing, all flourishes, and she rendered it +like an automaton lark with its internal machinery gone wrong. + +"Shall we go in?" said Fan. + +"Yes, Miss Eden, if you wish; but don't you think we can hear this song +best where we are? I find it hard to ask you a question I have had in +my mind for some minutes, but I must ask it. Are you still with Miss +Starbrow?" + +"Oh, no; we separated a long time ago, and for very long--nearly +eighteen months--I never heard from her." + +"I hope you will not think it an impertinent question; but--there must +have been some very serious reason to have kept you apart so long?" + +"No, scarcely that. I have always felt the same towards her. She did so +much for me. It was only a misunderstanding." + +"And now?" + +"Now I am so glad to say that it is all over, and that she is my dearest +friend." + +"And is she still living at Dawson Place--and single?" + +"Yes." But after a few moments she said, "You had one question more to +ask, Captain Horton, had you not?" + +"Yes," he returned. "You must know what it is." + +"But it is hard to answer. She mentioned your name once--lately; but her +feelings are just as bitter against you." + +"I could not expect it to be otherwise," he returned, and they walked on +towards the house. + +Before they reached it Mrs. Travers appeared to them. "Still looking at +the roses?" she said with a laugh. "How fond of flowers you two must be! +Can you spare us another ten minutes before keeping your appointment, +Captain Horton, and sing us one of your songs?" + +"As many as you like, Mrs. Travers," he returned. "You see, after going +to see the roses it was too late to keep the appointment. And I am very +glad it was, for I have had a very pleasant conversation with Miss Eden, +about flowers, and the beauties of Kingston, and of the Stock Exchange, +and a dozen things besides." + +Fan, sitting a little apart and beside the open window, listened with a +strange pleasure to that fine baritone voice which she now heard again +after so long a time, and wondered to herself whether it would ever +again be joined with Mary's in that rich harmony to which she had so +often listened standing on the stairs. + +It was nearly eleven o'clock before Captain Horton found an opportunity +to speak to her again. "Miss Eden," he said, dropping into a seat next +to her, "I am anxious to say one--no, two things, before leaving you. +One is that I know that after this evening I shall be a happier man. The +other is this: if I should ever be able to serve you in any way--if you +could ever bring yourself to ask my assistance in any way, it would give +me a great happiness. But perhaps it is a happiness I have no right to +expect." + +Before he had finished speaking her wish to find Constance, and Mr. +Travers' failure, came to her mind, and she eagerly caught at his offer. + +"I am so glad you did not leave me before saying this," she replied. +"You can help me in something now, I think." + +"How glad I am to hear you say that, Miss Eden! I am entirely at your +service; tell me what I can do for you." + +She told him about the marriage of his former friend, Merton Chance, +with Constance, and about their disappearance, and her anxiety to find +her friend. + +Captain Horton, after hearing all the particulars, promised to write +to her on her return to Quebec Street to let her know the result of the +inquiries he would begin making on the morrow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + +Two days later Fan returned to her apartments, and shortly after +arriving there received a letter from Captain Horton, giving her an +account of what he had been doing for her since their memorable meeting +at Kingston. He had gone to work in a very systematic way, enlisting the +services of a number of clergymen and other philanthropic workers at +the East End to make inquiries for him; and it would be strange, he +concluded, if the Chances escaped being discovered, unless they had +quitted that part of London. + +A few days later, about the middle of August, came a second letter, +which made Fan's heart leap with joy. Captain Horton had found out that +the Chances were living at Mile End, but did not know their address yet. +He had come across a gentleman--a curate without a curacy, a kind of +Christian free-lance--who lived in that neighbourhood and knew the +persons sought for intimately, but declined to give their address or +to say anything about them; but he had consented to meet Miss Eden at +Captain Horton's office in the City and speak to her; and the meeting +had been arranged to take place at two o'clock on the following day. Fan +took care to be at the office punctually at two. + +"Our friend has not yet arrived," said Captain Horton, after giving her +a chair in the office, "but we can look for him soon, I think, as he +did not seem like a person who would fail to keep an engagement. He is +a very good fellow, I have heard, but seemed rather to resent being +questioned about his mysterious friends, and was very reticent. Ah, here +he is." + +"Mr. Northcott!" exclaimed Fan, starting up with a face full of joy; +for it was he, looking older, and with a pale, care-worn face, which, +together with his somewhat rusty clerical coat and hat, seemed to show +that the world had not gone well with him since he had left Eyethorne. + +"Miss Affleck--if I had only imagined that it was you! How glad I am to +meet you once more! How glad Mrs. Chance will be to hear from you," he +said, taking her hand. + +"But I wish to see her, Mr. Northcott--I _must_ see her," said Fan; and +the curate at once offered to conduct her to her friend's home at Mile +End. + +Leaving the office, they took a cab and set out for their destination; +but during the drive Fan had little chance of hearing any details +concerning her friend's life; for what with the noise of the streets and +the rattling of the cab, it was scarcely possible to hear a word; and +whenever there came a quieter interval the curate wished to hear how Fan +had passed her time, and why she had been addressed as Miss Eden. + +At length they got to their journey's end, the cab, for some reason, +being dismissed at some distance from the house they had come to visit. +It was one in a row of small, mean-looking tenements containing two +floors each, and facing other houses of the same description on the +opposite side of the narrow macadamised road, which, with the loose +stones and other rubbish in it, presented a dirty, ill-kept appearance. +At the tenth or eleventh house in the row Mr. Northcott stopped and +knocked lightly at the low front door, warped and blistered by the sun +which poured its intolerable heat full upon it. + +A woman opened the door and greeted the curate with a smile; then +casting a surprised look at his companion, stood aside to let them pass +into the narrow, dark, stuffy hallway. "He'll be sleeping just now," +said the woman, pointing up the stairs. "You can just go quietly up. +She'll be there by herself doing of her writing." + +"We must go up softly then," he said, turning to Fan. "Poor Chance is +very ill, and sleeps principally in the daytime. That's why I got rid of +the cab some distance from the house." + +He led the way up the narrow creaking stairs to a door on the first +landing standing partly open; before it hung a wet chintz curtain, +preventing their seeing into the room. Her conductor tapped lightly +on the doorframe, and presently the wet curtain was moved aside by +Constance, who greeted her visitor with a glad smile while giving him +her hand, but the darkness of the small landing, which had no light from +above, prevented her from seeing Fan for some moments. + +"Harold--at last!" she said, her hand still resting in his. "I have +waited two days for you; but I was resolved not to send the manuscript +till you had read it." Then she caught sight of Fan, standing a little +behind him, and started back, a look of the greatest astonishment coming +into her face. + +"I have brought you an old friend, Constance," said the curate, stepping +aside. + +"Fan--my darling Fan!" she exclaimed, but still in a subdued voice, and +in a moment the two friends were locked in a long and close embrace. + +"Constance--what a change! Let me look at your dear face again. Oh, how +unkind of you to keep your address from me all this time!" + +The other raised her face, and for some moments they gazed into each +other's eyes, wet with tears. She was indeed changed; and that rich +brown tint, which had looked so beautiful, and made her so different +from others, had quite faded from her pale thin face, so that she no +longer looked like the Constance Churton of the old days. Even her +hair had been affected by trouble and bad health; it was combed out and +hanging loose on her back, and Fan noticed that the fine bronze glint +had gone out of the heavy brown tresses like joy or hope from a darkened +life. She was wearing a very simple cotton wrapper, and though evidently +made of the very cheapest kind of stuff, it had faded almost white with +many washings. Altogether it was plain to see that the Chances were +very poor; and yet the expression on her friend's altered face was not a +desponding one. + +"You must forgive me for not writing, dearest Fan," she said at length. +"There would have been things to tell which could not be told without +pain. It was wrong--cowardly in me to keep silence, I know. And it +grieved me to think that you too might be in trouble and want." Then, +after surveying Fan's costume for some moments, she added with a smile. +"But that was a false fear, I hope." + +"Yes, dear. At any rate, for some time past I have had everything I +could wish for, and dear friends to care for me. But that is a very long +story, Constance, and I am anxious to hear how your husband is." + +All this time the curate had been standing patiently by; he now took his +departure, after arranging to return to see Fan as far west as the City +on her way home at six o'clock in the evening. + +Constance raised the wet curtain and led Fan into the sitting-room. It +was small and mean enough, with a very low ceiling, dingy, discoloured +wall-paper, and a few articles of furniture such as one sees in a +working-man's lodging. Near the front window stood a small deal table, +on which were pens, ink, and a pile of closely-written sheets of paper, +showing how Constance had been employed. The two doors--one by which +they had entered, and another leading to the bedroom--also the window, +were open, and before them all wet pieces of chintz were hanging. This +was done to mitigate the intense heat, Constance explained; the sun +shining directly down on the slates made the low-roofed rooms like an +oven, and the quickly evaporating moisture created a momentary coolness. +Merton was asleep in the second room; his nights, she said, were so bad +that he generally fell asleep during the day; he had not risen yet, and +her whole study was to keep the rooms cool and quiet while he rested. + +Fan took off her hat and settled down to have a long talk with her +friend. + +"Fan, dear," said the other, after returning from the bedroom to +make sure that Merton still slept, "we must talk in as low a tone as +possible, I mean without whispering. And we have so much to say to each +other." + +"Yes, indeed; I am dying to hear all about your life since you vanished +from Notting Hill." + +"But, Fan, my curiosity about your life is still greater--and no +wonder! I have been constantly thinking about you--crying, too, +sometimes--imagining all sorts of painful things--that you were +destitute and friendless, perhaps, in this cruel London. And now here +you are, I don't know how, like a vision of the West End, with that +subtle perfume about you, and looking more beautiful than I have ever +seen you, except on that one occasion; do you remember?--on that first +evening in the orchard at dear old Eyethorne. Look at _my_ dress, Fan, +my second best! But how much more did it astound me to hear Harold--I +call Mr. Northcott by his Christian name now--addressing you as _Miss +Eden_ when he left. What does it all mean? If he had called you _Mrs._ +Eden I might have guessed what wonderful things had happened to you." + +Fan was prepared for this. There were some things not to be revealed; +she remembered that Mary had looked into her very soul when she had +heard the strange story, and her quick apprehension and knowledge of +human nature had no doubt supplied the links that were missing in +it. Now by anticipation she had prepared a narrative which would run +smoothly, and began it without further delay; and for half an hour +Constance listened with intense interest, only interrupting to bestow +a kiss and whisper a tender consoling word when her friend was at last +compelled, with faltering speech, to confess that she was no legitimate +child of her father. + +"Oh, Fan, I am so glad that this has happened to you. So much more +glad than if I had myself experienced some great good fortune. And your +brother--oh, how nobly he has acted--how much you must love and admire +him! I remember that evening so well when you met him; I thought then +that I had never seen anyone with so charming a manner. And there was +something so melodious and sympathetic in his voice; how strange that +it never struck me as being like yours, and that he was like you in his +eyes, and so many things!" + +"But tell me about yourself, Constance." + +"I could put it all in twenty words, but that would not be fair, and +would not satisfy you. Since our marriage we have simply been drifting +down the current, getting poorer and poorer, and also moving about from +place to place--I mean since you lost sight of us. And at last it was +impossible for us to go any lower, for we were destitute, and--it will +shock you to hear it--obliged even to pledge our clothes to buy bread." + +"And you would not write to me, Constance, nor even to your mother! +I know that, because I wrote to her to ask for your address, and she +replied that she did not know it, that I knew more about your movements +in London than she did." + +"I could not write to you, Fan, knowing that you barely had enough to +keep yourself, and that it would only have distressed you. Nor could +I write to them at home. Those poor fields they have to live on are +mortgaged almost up to their value, and after paying interest they have +little left for expenses in the house. Besides, Fan, we had already +received help from Mr. Eden and other friends, and it had proved worse +than useless. It only seemed to have the effect of making us less able +to help ourselves." + +"And your husband--was he not earning something with his lecturing and +the articles he wrote?" + +"Not with the lecturing, as you call it. With the articles, yes, but +very little. They were political articles, you know, and were printed +in socialistic papers, and not many of them were paid for. But after a +while all his enthusiasm died out; he could not go on with it, and was +not prepared with anything else. He grew to hate the whole thing at +last, and was a little too candid with his former friends when he told +them that they were a living proof of the judgment Carlyle had passed +on his countrymen. It was hardly safe for him to walk about the streets +among the people who had begun to expect great things from him. It is +a dreadful thing to say, but it is the simple truth, that our next move +would have been to the workhouse. And just then his illness began. +He was out all night and met with some accident; it was a pouring wet +night, and he was brought home in the morning bruised and injured, +soaking wet, and the result was a fever and cough, which turned to +something like consumption. He has suffered terribly, and I have +sometimes despaired of his life; but he is better now, I think--I hope. +Only this dreadful heat we are having keeps him so weak. You can't +imagine how anxiously we are looking forward to a change in the weather; +the cool days will so refresh him when they come." + +"But, Constance, you haven't told me yet how you escaped what you were +fearing when he first fell ill." + +The other looked up, tears starting in her eyes, and a glow of warm +colour coming into her pale cheeks. "Oh, Fan," she said, her voice +trembling with emotion, "have you not yet guessed who came to us in our +darkest hour and saved us from worse things than we had already known? +Yes; Mr. Northcott, a poor unemployed clergyman, without any private +income, struggling for his own subsistence, and frequently in bad +health; but no rich and powerful man could have given us such help and +comfort. How can I tell it all to you? He found us out after we left +Norland Square. He had left Eyethorne shortly after we did, but not +before he had heard from mother about my marriage, and my husband's +name. He introduced himself to Merton one evening at a socialistic +meeting, and after that he occasionally came to see us, and he and +Merton had endless arguments, for he was not a socialist. But they +became great friends, and he was always trying to persuade my husband +to turn his talents to other things. He wished Merton to try his hand at +little descriptive and character sketches, interspersed with incidents +partly true and partly fictitious. He said that I would be able to help; +and one day he related a little incident, minutely describing the +actors in it, and begged us to write it out in the way he suggested, +but unfortunately the idea never took with Merton. He thought it too +trivial; or else he could not work. So I tried my hand alone at it; and +Harold saw what I had done, and asked me to rewrite it, and make some +alterations which he suggested. Then he sent me a rough sketch he had +written and asked me to work it up in the same way as the first; and +when I had finished it I sent him the two papers together. Shortly +afterwards, when Merton was ill and I was at my wits' end, Harold +came to say that he had sold the sketches to the editor of the _Lady's +Pictorial_, who liked them so much that he wished to have more from the +same hand. Imagine how glad I was to get the cheque Harold had brought +me! But about the other sketches asked for, I told him that I could +not write them because I had no materials. He had supplied me with +incidents, characters, and descriptions of localities for the first +time, and I could not go about to find fresh matter for myself. He said +that he had thought of that, and that he was prepared to supply me with +as much material as I required. He would give me facts, and my fancy +would do the rest. He only laughed at the idea that I would be sucking +his brains and depriving him of his own means of subsistence. He was +always about among the poor, he said, and talking to people of all +descriptions, and hearing and seeing things well worth being told +in print, but he was without the special kind of talent and style of +writing necessary to give literary form to such matter. His tastes lay +in other directions, and the only writing he could do was of a very +different kind. Then I gladly consented, and Merton was pleased also, +and promised to help; but--poor fellow--he has not had the strength to +do anything yet." + +"Oh, Constance, how glad I am to hear this. But is it not terribly +trying for you to do so much work in this close hot room, and attend to +your husband at the same time? And you get no proper rest at night, I +suppose. Is it not making you ill?" + +"No, dear; it comes easier every week, and has made me better, I think. +The heat is very trying, I must say; and I can only write when Merton +is asleep, generally in the early part of the day. But do you know, Fan, +that in spite of our poverty and my great and constant anxiety about +Merton's health, I feel some happiness in my heart now. If I possessed +a morbid mind or conscience I should probably call myself heartless for +being able to feel happiness at such a time--happiness and pride at +my success. But I am not morbid, thank goodness, or at war with my own +nature--with the better part of my nature, I might say. And it is so +sweet--oh, Fan, how unutterably sweet it is, to feel that I am doing +something for him and for myself, that my life is not being wasted, that +my brains are beginning to bear fruit at last!" + +"I wonder whether I have ever seen any of your sketches, Constance? +I have read some things, and cried and laughed over them, in the +_Pictorial_, called 'Eastern Idylls.'" + +"Yes, Fan, that is the title of my sketches. How strange that you should +have seen them! How glad I am!" + +Fan related the circumstances; then Constance paid another visit to the +bedroom to listen to the invalid's breathing. Returning, she presently +resumed, "Fan, is it not wonderful that we should experience such +goodness from one who after all was no more than an acquaintance, and +who has so little of life's good things? He has never offered to help us +even with one shilling in money, and that only shows his delicacy. Had +he been ever so rich and given us help in money there would have been a +sting in it. And yet look how much more than money he gives us--how much +time he spends, and what trouble he takes to keep me supplied with fresh +matter for my writings. I'm sure he goes about with eyes and ears open +to all he sees and hears more for our sakes than for his own. Is it not +wonderful, Fan?" + +"Yes; it is very sweet, but not strange, I think," said Fan, smiling; +and after reflecting a few moments she was just about to add: "He +has always loved you, since he knew you at Eyethorne, and he would do +anything for you." + +But at that moment Constance half turned her head to listen, and so the +perilous words were not spoken. "Consideration like an angel came," and +before the other turned to her to resume the conversation, Fan looked +back on what she had just escaped with a feeling like that of the +mariner who sees the half-hidden rock only after he has safely passed +it. + +They talked on for half an hour longer, when a low moan, followed by a +fit of coughing in the adjoining room, made Constance start up and go +to her husband. She returned in a few minutes, but only to say that she +would be absent some time assisting Merton to dress; then giving Fan the +proof of the last "Idyll" she had sent to the paper to read, she again +left the room. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + + +Fan read the sketch, but her mind was too much occupied with all she +had just heard, in addition to the joy she felt at having recovered her +friend, to pay much attention to it. Moreover the increasing heat began +to oppress her; she marvelled that Constance, accustomed all her life to +the freedom and cool expanse of the country, should find it possible to +work in such an atmosphere and amidst such surroundings. + +At length, Merton, who had been coughing a great deal while dressing, +came in assisted by his wife, but quite exhausted with the exertion of +walking from one room to the other; and after shaking hands with their +visitor he sunk into his easy-chair, not yet able to talk. She was +greatly shocked at the change in him; the once fine, marble-like face +was horribly wasted, so that the sharp unsightly bones looked as if they +would cut their way through the deadly dry parchment-yellow skin that +covered them; and the deep blue eyes now looked preternaturally large +and bright--all the brighter for the dark purple stains beneath them. He +was low indeed, nigh unto death perhaps; yet he did not appear cast down +in the least, but even while he sat breathing laboriously, still unable +to speak, the eyes had a pleased hopeful look as they rested on their +visitor's face. A smile, too, hovered about the corners of his mouth as +his glance wandered over her costume. For, in spite of feeling the heat +a great deal, she _looked_ cool in her light-hued summer dress, with its +dim blue pattern on a cream-coloured ground. The loose fashion in which +it was made, the tints, and light frosting of fine lace on neck and +sleeves, harmonised well with the grey tender eyes, the pure delicate +skin, and golden hair. + +"You could not have chosen a fitter costume to visit us in," said Merton +at length. "I can hardly believe that you come to us from some other +part of this same foul, hot, dusty London. To my fever-parched fancy you +seem rather to have come from some distant unpolluted place, where green +leaves flutter in the wind and cast shadows on the ground; where crystal +showers fall, and the vision of the rainbow is sometimes seen." + +Constance came to his side and bent over him. + +"You must not be tyrannical, Connie," he said. "I really must talk. Even +a bird in prison sings its song after a fashion, and why not I?" + +And seeing him so anxious to begin she made no further objection, +contenting herself with giving him a draught from his medicine bottle. +She had already told him Fan's story, and he had heard it with some +interest. He congratulated the girl on having found a brother in his old +school-fellow, Arthur Eden, and took some merit to himself for having +brought them together. But he did not make the remark that truth was +stranger than fiction. It was evident that he was impatient to get to +other more important matters. + +"You have doubtless heard from my wife," he said, "that I have parted +company with those misguided people that call themselves socialists. +Well, Miss Affleck, the fact is--" + +"Eden," corrected Constance with a smile. She was quietly moving about +the room in her list slippers, engaged in remoistening the hangings, +which had now grown dry and hot. + +"I beg your pardon, Miss Eden. Yes, thanks--Fan; that will be better +still among such old friends as we are. What I wish to say is, that +my mind was never really carried away with their fantastical +theories--their dreams of a social condition where all men will be +equally far removed from want and excessive wealth. I could have told +them at once that they were overlooking the first and greatest law of +organic nature, that the stone which the builders despised would fall on +them and grind them to powder. At the same time my feelings were engaged +on their side, I am bound to confess; I did think it possible to educe +some good out of this general ferment and dissatisfaction with the +conditions of life. For, after all, this ferment--this great clamour and +shouting and hurrying to and fro--represents force--blind brute force, +no doubt, like that of waves dashing themselves to pieces on the rocks, +or of the tempest let loose on the world. A tempest unhappily without +an angel to guide it; for I look upon the would-be angels--the +Burnses--Morrises--Champions--Hyndmans--merely as so many crows, rooks, +and jackdaws, who have incontinently rushed in to swell the noise with +their outrageous cawing, and to be tossed and blown about, hither and +thither, among the dust, sticks, old newspapers, and pieces of rotten +wood stirred up by the wind. Good would have come of it if it had been +possible to introduce a gleam of sense and reason into the foggy brains +of these wretched men. But that was impossible. I am ashamed to have to +confess that I ever believed it possible--that I assumed, when planning +their welfare, that they were not absolutely irrational. I have not only +thrown the whole thing up, but the disgust, the revulsion of feeling I +have experienced, has had the effect of making me perfectly indifferent +as to the ultimate fate of these people. If some person were to come to +me to-morrow to say that all the East-enders, from Bishopsgate Street to +Bow, had been seized with a kind of frenzy, like that which from time to +time takes possession of the Norway marmots, or bandicoots, or whatever +they are called--" + +"Lemmings," said Constance. + +"Yes, lemmings. Thanks, Connie, you are a perfect walking encyclopaedia. +And--like these Norway lemmings--had rushed into the Thames at Tilbury, +men, women, and children, and been drowned, I should say, 'I am very +pleased to hear it.' For to my mind these people are no more worthy of +being saved than a migrating horde of Norway rats, or than the Gadarene +swine that ran down the steep and were drowned in the sea." + +Fan listened with astonishment, and turned to Constance, wondering what +would be the effect of such dreadful sentiments on her, and not without +recalling some of those "Idylls," inspired by a spirit so loving and +gentle and Christian. But she seemed to be paying little attention to +the matter of her husband's discourse, to be concerned only at the state +of his health. + +"Merton, dear," she said, "if you talk so much at a stretch you will +bring on another fit of coughing." + +"Ah, yes, thanks for reminding me. Let me have another sip of that +mixture. Then I shall speak of other more hopeful things. And the +sweetness of hope shall be like that rosy honey, rose-scented, to soften +my throat, made dry and harsh with barren themes. After all, Connie, +these troubles which have tried us so severely have only proved +blessings in disguise. Yes, Fan, we have been driven hither and thither +about the sea, encountering terrible storms, and sometimes fearing that +our bark was about to founder; but they have at last driven us into a +haven more sweet and restful than storm-tossed mariners ever entered +before. And looking back we can even feel grateful to the furious wind, +and the hateful dark blue wave that brought us to such a goal." + +All this figurative language, which was like the prelude to a solemn +piece of music, gave Fan the idea that something of very great +importance was about to follow. But, alas! the mixture, and the +rose-honey sweetness of hope, failed to prevent the attack which +Constance had feared, and he coughed so long and so violently that +Fan, after being a distressed spectator for some time, grew positively +alarmed. By-and-by, glancing at her friend's face as she stood bending +over the sufferer, holding his bowed head between her palms, she +concluded that it was no more than an everyday attack, and that no fatal +results need be feared. Relieved of her apprehension, she began to think +less of the husband and more of the wife; for what resignation, what +courage and strength she had shown since her unhappy marriage, and what +self-sacrificing devotion to her weak unworthy life-partner! Or was it a +mistake, she now asked herself, to regard him as weak and unworthy? Had +not Constance, with a finer insight--her superior in this as in most +things--seen the unapparent strength, the secret hidden virtue, that was +in him, and which would show itself when the right time came? No, Fan +could not believe that. Tom Starbrow and the poor pale-faced curate in +his rusty coat were true strong men, and the woman that married either +of them would not lean on a reed that would break and pierce her to +the quick; and Captain Horton was also a strong man, although he had +certainly been a very bad one. But this man, in spite of his nimble +brains and eloquent tongue, was weak and unstable, hopelessly--fatally. +The suffering and the poverty which had come to these two, which in the +wife's case only made the innate virtue of her spirit to shine forth +with starlike lustre, would make and could make no difference to him. +Words were nothing to Fan; not because of his words had she forgiven +Captain Horton his crime; and if Merton had spoken with the eloquence +of a Ruskin, or an angel, it would have had no effect on her. She +considered his life only, and it failed to satisfy her. + +Recovered from his attack, Merton sat resting languidly in his chair, +his half-closed eyes looking straight before him. + +"Ah, to lead men," he said, speaking in a low voice, with frequent +pauses, as if soliloquising. "Not higher in their sense--what they with +minds darkened with a miserable delusion call higher.... Up and still +up, and higher still, through ways that grow stonier, where vegetation +shrivels in the bleak winds, and animal life dies for lack of +nourishment. Will they find the Promised Land there, when their toil is +finished, when they have reached their journey's end? A vast plateau of +sand and rock; a Central Asian desert; a cavern blown in by icy winds +for only inn; a 'gaunt and taciturn host' to receive them; and at last, +to perform the last offices, the high-soaring vulture, and the wild wind +scattering dust and sleet on their bones.... Ah, to make them see--to +make them know!... Poor dumb brutish cattle, consumed with fever of +thirst, bellowing with rage, trampling each other down in a pen too +small to hold them! Ah, to show them the gate--the wide-open gate--to +make them lie down in green pastures, to lead them beside the still +waters!... Better for me, if I cannot lead, to leave them; to go away +and dwell alone! to seek in solitary places, as others have done, some +wild bitter root to heal their distemper; to come back with something in +my hands;... to consider by what symbols to address them; to send them +from time to time a message, to be scoffed at by most and heard with +kindling hope by those whose souls are not wholly darkened." + +After a long silence he spoke again to ask his wife to get him a book +from his bedroom, which he had been reading that morning, to find in it +many sweet comforting things. She had been seated at some distance from +him, apparently paying no attention to his enigmatical words, but now +quickly put down her work and got the book for him from the next room. + +"Thanks," he said, taking it. "Yes, here it is. I wish to read you this +passage, Connie: 'Now they began to go down the hill into the Valley of +Humiliation. It was a steep hill, and their way was slippery, but +they were very careful, so they got down pretty well. Then said Mr. +Great-heart, We need not be afraid in this Valley, for here is nothing +to hurt us, unless we procure it for ourselves. It is true that +Christian did here meet with Apollyon, with whom he also had a sore +combat; but that fray was the fruit of those slips that he got in his +going down the hill; for they that get slips there must look for combats +here.' Do you see what I mean, Connie?" + +"Yes, dear," she replied, very quietly. + +Then he continued, "'For the common people, when they hear that some +frightful thing has befallen such a one in such a place, are of an +opinion that that place is haunted with some foul fiend or evil spirit, +when, alas! it is for the fruit of their own doing that such things do +befall them there!' Listen, Connie: 'No disparagement to Christian, more +than to many others, whose hap and lot was his; for it is easier going +up than down this hill, and that can be said but of few hills in all +these parts of the world. But we will leave the good man, he is at rest, +he also had a brave victory over his enemy; let Him grant that dwelleth +above that we fare no worse, when we come to be tried, than he. But we +will come again to this Valley of Humiliation. It is fat ground, and, +as you see, consisteth much in meadows, and if a man was to come here in +the summer-time, as we do now, and if he also delighted himself in the +sight of his eyes, he might see that that would be delightful to him. +Behold how green this Valley is, also how beautiful with lilies. Some +have also wished that the next way to their Father's house were here, +that they might be no more troubled with hills and mountains to go over, +but the way is the way, and there is an end. + +"'Now, as they were going along and talking, they espied a boy feeding +his father's sheep. The boy was in very mean clothes, but of a very +fresh and well-favoured countenance; and as he sat by himself he sang. +Then said the guide, Do you hear him? I will dare to say, that this boy +lives a merrier life, and wears more of that herb called heart's-ease in +his bosom, than he that is clad in silk and velvet. Here a man shall be +free from noise and the hurryings of this life. All states are full of +noise and confusion, only the Valley of Humiliation is that empty +and solitary place. Here a man shall not be so hindered in his +contemplation, as in other places he is apt to be. This is a valley that +nobody walks in but those that love a pilgrim's life; and I must tell +you that in former times men have met with angels here, have found +pearls here, and here in this place found the words of life.'" + +He closed the book and swallowed some more of the mixture, which +Constance, standing at his side, had been holding in readiness for him. + +Fan by this time had come to the conclusion that Merton had become +religious, although the scornful way in which he had spoken of the +inhabitants of East London scarcely seemed to favour such an idea. But +she knew that he had been reading from _The Pilgrim's Progress_, a book +which Mrs. Churton had put in her hands, and helped her to understand. +She did not know that he was putting an interpretation of his own on the +allegory which might have made the glorious Bedford tinker clench his +skeleton fist and hammer a loud "No--no!" on his mouldy coffin-lid. + +"Fan, my dear girl," he said, after a while, "I cannot expect you to +understand what I am talking about. You must be satisfied to wait many +days longer before it is all made plain. I have a thousand things to say +which will be said in good time. A thousand thousand things. Books to +write--volume following volume; so much to do for poor humanity that the +very thought of it would make my heart fail were it not for the great +faith that is in me. But the paper is still white, and the pen lies idle +waiting for this unnerved hand to gain strength to hold it. For you must +know that in my descent into this valley I have met with many a slip and +fall, and have suffered the consequences: Apollyon has come forth to +bar my way, and I have not done with him yet, nor he with me. I +have answered all his sophistical arguments, have resisted all his +temptations, and it has come to a life-and-death struggle between us. +With what deadly fury his thrusts and cuts are made, my poor wife will +tell you. My days are comparatively peaceful; I feel that I am near the +green meadows, beautiful with lilies, and can almost hear the singing of +the light-hearted shepherd-boy. But at night the shadows come again; the +shouts and vauntings of my adversary are heard; I can see his crimson +eyeballs, full of malignant rage, glaring at me. To drop metaphor, my +dear girl, my nights are simply hellish. But I shall conquer yet; my +time will come. Only, to me, a sufferer turning on his bed and wishing +for the dawn, how long the time delays its coming! If I could only feel +the fresh breeze in my lungs once more; if instead of this loathsome +desert of squalid streets and slums I could look on the cool green +leafy earth again, and listen to nature's sounds, bidding me be of good +courage, then these dark days would be shortened and the new and better +life begin." + +This was something easy to understand, even to Fan's poor intellect, and +she had begun to listen to his words attentively. Here was matter for +her practical mind to work upon, and her reply followed quick on his +speech. "It must be dreadful for you to remain here all through the hot +weather, Mr. Chance. I wish--I wish----" But at this moment the face of +Constance, who had drawn near and was bending over her husband's chair, +caught her eye, and she became silent, for the face had suddenly clouded +at her words. + +"What were you going to say, Fan--what is it that you wish?" said +Merton, with a keener interest than he usually manifested in other +people's words. + +"I wish that--that you and Constance would accompany me to some place +a little way out of town--not too far--where you would be out of this +dreadful heat and smoke, and stand----" She was about to add, stand a +better chance of recovery, but at this stage she broke off again and +cast down her eyes, fearing that she had offended her friend. + +"Most willingly we will go with you, my dear girl, if you will only ask +us," said Merton, finding that she was unable to finish her speech. + +"Oh, I should be so glad--so very glad!" returned Fan, in her excitement +and relief rising from her seat. "Dear Constance, what do you say?" + +But the other did not answer at once. This sudden proposal had come on +her as a painful surprise. For the last few weeks she had, even in the +midst of anxiety and suffering, rejoiced that she was self-dependent at +last, and had proudly imagined that her strength and talents would now +be sufficient to keep them in health and in sickness. And now, alas! her +husband had eagerly clutched at this offer of outside help; and, most +galling of all, from the very girl who, a short time before when she +was poor and friendless, he had found not good enough to be his wife's +associate. + +At length she raised her head and spoke, but there was a red flush on +her cheek, and a tone of pain, if not of displeasure, in her voice. +"Fan," she said, "I am so sorry you have made us this offer. It is very, +very kind of you; but, dearest, we cannot, cannot accept it." + +"And for what reason, Connie?" said her husband. + +She looked down on his upturned face, and for a moment was sorely +tempted to stoop and whisper the true reason in his ear, to reply that +it would be dishonourable--a thing to be remembered after with a burning +sense of shame--to accept any good gift at the hands of this girl, who +had been thrown over and left by them without explanation or excuse a +short time before, only because circumstances had made her for a time +their inferior--their inferior, that is, according to a social code, +which they might very well have ignored in this case, since it related +to a society they had never been privileged to enter since their +marriage, which knew and cared nothing for them. But as she looked down, +the yellow skin and sunken cheek and the hollow glittering eyes that met +her own made her heart relent, and she could not say the cruel words. +She kept silence for a few moments, and then only said, "How can we go, +Merton? We cannot move without money, and besides, we have nothing fit +to wear." + +"Pshaw, Connie, do you put such trifles in the scale? Have you so little +faith in our future as to shrink from this small addition to our debt? +Fan, of course, knows our circumstances and just what we would require. +Why, a paltry two or three pounds would take us out of London; and as +for clothes--well, you know how much we raised on them--a few miserable +shillings. You are proud, I know, but you mustn't forget that Fan is +Arthur Eden's sister--my old school-fellow and familiar friend; and also +that she is your old pupil, and--as I have heard you say times without +number--the dearest friend you have on earth." + +He did not see the effect of these words, and that her face had reddened +again with anger and shame, and a feeling that was almost like scorn. +Fan, seeing her distress, half-guessing its cause, went to her side and +put her arm round her. + +"Constance dear," she said, "you only need a little help at first, and I +shall be very careful and economical, and some day, when things improve, +you shall repay me every shilling I spend now. Oh, you don't know how +hard it is for me to say this to you! For I know, Constance, that if our +places were changed you would wish to act as a sister to me, and--and +you will not let me be a sister to you." + +The other kissed her and turned aside to hide her tears. Merton smiled, +and taking Fan's hand in his, stroked and caressed it. + +"My dear girl," he said, "I cannot express to you all I feel now; but +away out of this stifling atmosphere, this nightmare of hot bricks and +slates and smoking chimney-pots, in some quiet little green retreat +where you will take us, I shall be able to speak of it. What a blessing +this visit you have made us will prove! It refreshed my soul only to see +you; with that clear loveliness on which the evil atmosphere and life +of this great city has left no mark or stain, and in this dress with its +tender tints and its perfume, you appeared like a messenger of returning +peace and hope from the great Mother we worship, and who is always +calling to us when we go astray and forget her. How appropriate, how +natural, how almost expected, this kind deed of yours then seems to me!" + +Constance, seeing him so elated at the prospect of the change, made no +further objection, but waited Mr. Northcott's return before discussing +details. The curate when he at last appeared suggested that it would be +well to consult a young practitioner in the neighbourhood who had been +attending Merton; and in the end he went off to look for him. While +he was gone the two girls talked about the proposed removal in a quiet +practical way, and Merton, quite willing to leave the subject of ways +and means to his wife and her friend, took no part in the conversation. +Then the curate returned with the doctor's opinion, which was that the +change of air would be beneficial, if Merton could stand being removed; +but that the journey must be short and made easy: he suggested a +well-covered van, with a bed to lie on, and protected from draughts, as +better than the railroad. + +Fan at once promised to find a van as well as a house near East London +to go to, and after she had prevailed on Constance to accept a loan of a +few pounds for necessary expenses, she set out with Mr. Northcott on her +return to the West End. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + +Fan resolved to employ Captain Horton again, and as it was too late +in the day to see him at his office on her way home, she wrote that +evening, asking him to find her a suitable house near East London, +removed from other houses, with garden and trees about it, and with two +cool rooms for her friends on the ground floor, and a room for herself. +She knew, she wrote, that she was putting him to great inconvenience, +but felt sure that he would be glad to serve her. + +When the next day came she began to be sorely troubled in her mind; +or rather the trouble which had been in it ever since her return from +Kingston, and which she had tried not to think about, had to be faced, +and it looked somewhat formidable. For she had not yet seen Mary, in +spite of her promise made at their last parting to go to her immediately +on her return from Kingston. But much had happened since their parting: +she had met and had become friendly with the man that Mary hated with a +great hatred; and she feared that when she came to relate these things, +which would have to be related, there would be a storm. But she could +no longer delay to encounter it, and Fan knew, better than most perhaps, +how to bow her head and escape harm; and so, putting a bold face on +it--though it was not a very bold face--she got into a cab about noon +and had herself driven to Dawson Place. + +Her friend received her in a strangely quiet way, with just a kiss which +was not warm, a few commonplace words of welcome, and a smile which did +not linger long on her lips. + +"Why are you so cold, Mary?" + +"Why are you shamefaced, Fan?" + +"Am I shamefaced? I did not know." + +"Yes, and I can guess the reason. You did not keep your word to +me, though you knew how anxious I was to see you at the end of your +fortnight at Kingston; and the reason is that you have something on your +mind which you fear to tell me--which you are ashamed to tell." + +"No, Mary, that is not so. I am not ashamed, but----" + +"Oh yes, of course, I quite understand--_but!_" + +"Dear Mary, if you will be a little patient with me you shall know +everything I have to tell, and then you will know exactly why I didn't +come to you the moment I got back to town. For the last two or three +days I have been in pursuit of the Chances, and have at last found +them." + +"How did you find them?" + +"It is a very long story, Mary, and someone you know and that you +are not friendly with is mixed up with it. I met him accidentally at +Kingston, where there was a dinner-party and he was among the guests. +Mrs. Travers introduced him to me, and he took me in to dinner; and it +was very painful to me--to both of us; but after a time a thought came +into my head--Mary, listen to me, I can't tell you how it all came +about--how I found Constance--without speaking of him. Don't you think +it would be better to tell you everything, from my first chance meeting +with him, and all that was said as well as I can remember it now?" + +Miss Starbrow had listened quietly, with averted face, which Fan +imagined must have grown very black; she was silent for some time, and +at last replied: + +"Fan, I can hardly credit my own senses when you talk in that calm way +about a person who--of course I know who you mean. What are you made of, +I wonder--are you merely a wax figure and not a human being at all? Once +I imagined that you loved me, but now I see what a delusion it was; only +those who can hate are able to love, and you are as incapable of the one +as of the other." + +After delivering herself of this protest she half turned her back on +her friend, and for a time there was silence between them, and then Fan +spoke. + +"Mary, you have not yet answered me; am I to tell you about it or not?" + +"You can tell me what you like; I have no power to prevent you from +speaking. But I give you a fair warning. I know, and it would be useless +to try to hide it, that you have great power over me, and that I could +make any sacrifice, and do anything within reason for you, and be glad +to do it. But if you go too far--if you attempt to work on my feelings +about this--this person, or try to make _me_ think that he is not--what +I think him, I shall simply get up and walk out of the room." + +"You need not have said all that, Mary--I am not trying to work on your +feelings. I simply wanted to tell you what happened, and--how _he_ came +to be mixed up with it." + +As the other did not reply, she began her story, and related what had +happened at the Travers' dinner-party faithfully; although she was as +unable now to give a reason for her own strange behaviour as she had +been to answer Captain Horton when he had asked her what she had to say +to him. + +At length she paused. + +"Have you finished?" said Mary sharply, but the sharpness this time did +not have the true ring. + +"No. If your name was mentioned, Mary, must I omit that part?--because I +wish to tell you everything just as it happened." + +"You can tell me what you like so long as you observe my conditions." + +But when the story was all finished she only remarked, although speaking +now without any real or affected asperity: + +"I am really sorry for your friend Mrs. Chance. I could not wish an +enemy a greater misfortune than to be tied for life to such a one +as Merton. Poor country girl, ignorant of the world--what a terrible +mistake she made!" + +She was in a much better temper now, willing to discuss the details of +the expedition, to give her friend advice, and help with money if it +should be needed. Fan was surprised and delighted at the change in her, +and at last they parted very pleasantly. + +"If you can find time before leaving town, Fan, come and say good-bye. +I shall be at home in the afternoon to-morrow and next day, and then you +can tell me all your arrangements." + +By the first post on the following morning she received a letter from +the Captain, who had taken a day from the office to look for a place, +and had succeeded in finding a pleasant farm-house, within easy +distance of Mile End and about a mile from Edmonton, as rural a spot +in appearance as one could wish to be in. He had also exceeded his +instructions by engaging a covered van, with easy springs, to convey +the invalid to his new home. The letter contained full particulars, and +concluded with an expression of the sincere pleasure the writer felt at +having received this additional proof of Miss Eden's friendly feelings +towards him, and with the hope that the change of air would benefit his +poor old friend Merton Chance. + +Fan replied at once, asking him to send the van next day at noon to Mile +End. Then she telegraphed to the people of the house to have the rooms +ready for them on the morrow, and also wrote to Constance to inform +her of the arrangements that had been made; and the rest of the day was +spent in preparing for her sojourn in the country. + +In the evening she went to Dawson Place to see and say good-bye to her +friend. Mary was at home, and glad to see her. + +"My dear Fan," she said, embracing the girl, "I have had two or three +callers this evening, and was not at home to them only because I thought +you might turn up, and I wished to have you all to myself for a little +while before you leave. Goodness only knows when we shall meet again!" + +"Why, Mary, are you thinking of going away for a long time? I hope not." + +"Well, I don't know what I'm thinking of. Of course it's very disgusting +and unnatural to be in London at this time of the year; but the worst of +the matter is, I had hoped to get you to go somewhere with me. But +now this affair has completely thrown me out. Have you made your +arrangements?" + +"Yes, I got the letter I expected this morning, and it explains +everything. You had better read it for yourself." + +Mary pushed the letter back with an indignant gesture. + +"Oh, very well," returned Fan, not greatly disconcerted. "Then I suppose +I can read it to you, as it tells just what arrangements have been +made." + +The other frowned but said nothing, and Fan proceeded to read the +letter. Mary made no remark on its contents; but when she went on to +speak of other things, there was no trace of displeasure in her voice. +They were together until about ten o'clock, and then, after taking some +refreshment, Fan rose to go. But the parting was not to be a hurried +one; her friend embraced and clung to her with more than her usual +warmth. + +"Mary dear," said Fan, bending back her head so as to look into her +friend's face, "you were very angry with me yesterday, but to-day--now +you love me as much as you ever did. Is it not so?" + +"Yes, Fan, I think I love you more to-night than ever. I know I cling to +you more and seem afraid to lose you from my sight. But you must not get +any false ideas into your head." + +"To prevent that, Mary, you must tell me why you cling to me to-night?" + +"Because--Fan, is it necessary that I should tell you something which I +have a dim, vague idea that you already know? Is it known to you, dear +girl, that in all our hearts there are things our lips refuse to speak, +even to those who are nearest and dearest to our souls? Did you feel +that, Fan, when you came to me again, after so long a time, and told me +all--_all_ that had befallen you since our parting?" + +Fan reddened, but her lips remained closed. + +"That which my lips refuse to speak you cannot know," continued Mary; +"but there is another simple reason I can give you. I cling to you +because you are going away to be with people I am not in sympathy with. +As far as giving poor miserable Merton a chance to live, I dare say you +are doing only what is right, but----" + +Fan stopped her mouth. "You shall say no more, Mary. Long, long ago you +thought that because I and Constance were friends I could not have the +same feeling I had had for you. Oh, what a mistake you made! Nothing, +nothing could ever make you less dear to me. Even if you should break +with me again and refuse to see me--" + +"And that is what I fear, Fan; I really do fear it, when it is actually +in your heart to get me to forgive things which it would be unnatural +and shameful to forgive. I must warn you again, Fan, if you cannot pluck +that thought out of your heart, if I cannot have you without that man's +existence being constantly brought to my mind, that there will be a +fatal rupture between us, and that it will never be healed." + +Fan drew back a little and looked with a strange, questioning gaze into +her friend's face; but Mary, for once, instead of boldly meeting the +look, dropped her eyes and reddened a little. + +"There will never, never be any rupture, Mary. If you were to shut your +door against me, I would come and sit down on the doorstep, which I +once--" + +"Be quiet!" exclaimed Mary, with sudden passion. "How can you have +the courage to speak of such things! The little consideration! If your +memory of the past is so faithful--so--so _unforgetting_, I dare say you +can remember only too well that I once--" + +"You must be quiet now," said Fan, stopping her friend's mouth with her +hand for the second time, and with a strange little laugh that was half +sob. "I only remember, Mary darling, that I was homeless, hungry, in +rags, and that you took me in, and were friend and sister and mother to +me. Promise, promise that you will never quarrel with me." + +"Never, Fan--unless you, with your wild altruism, drive me to it." + +Fan went home, wondering all the way what her wild altruism was, ashamed +of her ignorance. She looked in her dictionary, but it was an old cheap +one, and the strange word was not in it. Perhaps Mary had coined it. As +to that she would consult Constance, who knew everything. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + +Miss Starbrow did not leave London after all, but day followed day only +to find her in the same unsettled mind as at first. Having no one else +to quarrel with, she quarrelled with and mocked at herself. "I shall +wait till the heats are over," she said, "and then stay on to see the +end of the November fogs; then I can go north to winter at Aberdeen or +some such delightful place." But these late London days, while her mind +was in this unsatisfactory state, studying to deceive itself, had one +great pleasure--the letters which came at intervals of two or three days +from her loved friend. Even to her eyes they looked beautiful. The girl +of the period, when she writes to her friend, usually dips the handle of +her sunshade in a basin of ink, and scrawls characters monstrous in +size and form, an insult to the paper-maker's art and shocking to man's +aesthetic feelings. Now from the first Fan had spontaneously written +a small hand, with fine web-like lines and flourishes, which gave it +a very curious and delicate appearance; for, unlike the sloping prim +Italian hand, it was all irregular, and the longer curves and strokes +crossed and recrossed through words above and beneath, so that, while +easy enough to read, at first sight it looked less like writing than an +intricate pattern on the paper, as if a score of polar gnats had been +figure-skating on the surface with inked skates. To her complaint that +she was not clever, not musical, like other girls, Mary had once said: + +"Ah, yes; all your cleverness and originality has gone into your +handwriting." + +"It is such a comfort, such a pleasure," said Fan in one of her letters, +"to have you to write to and put Mary--Mary--Mary twenty times over in +a single letter, wondering whether it gives you the same pleasure to see +your name written by me as you often say it is to hear it from my lips. +Do you remember that when I promised to write everything you sneered and +told me not to forget to make the usual mental reservations? That is the +way you always talk to me, Mary; but I make no reservation, I tell you +everything, really and truly--everything I see and hear and think. +I know very well that Constance will never tell me any of her +secrets--that she will never open her heart to anyone, as one friend +does to another, except her husband; so that it was quite safe for me to +make you that promise." + +Again she wrote: "For some hidden reason Constance consented very +reluctantly to take Merton out of town, and I feel convinced that it +was not on account of the risk there would be in moving him, nor because +they were too poor to move away from Mile End. There was some other +reason, and I feel pretty sure that if the proposal had come from some +other person, even a stranger, instead of from me, it would not have +given the same feeling. That it should give her pain was a surprise to +me, and has puzzled me a great deal, because I know that Constance loves +me as much as she ever did, and that she would gladly do as much and +more for me if it were in her power at any time. Perhaps she thinks, +poor Constance, that when she and her husband suddenly went away from +Netting Hill and left no address, and never wrote to me again, although +she knew that I had no other friend in London at that time, that she had +treated me badly. Once or twice, since we have been together here, she +has mentioned that going away, so sadly, almost with tears, speaking as +if circumstances had compelled her to act unkindly, but without giving +any explanation. I do not believe, I cannot believe, she left me in that +way of her own will; I can only guess the reason, but shall probably +never really know; but I feel that this has brought a shadow into our +friendship, and that while we are as dear as ever to each other, we both +feel that there is something that keeps us apart." + +Another letter spoke more particularly of Merton: "I am sure you would +like to know what I think of him now, after living under the same roof +for the first time, and seeing so much of him every day. I cannot say +what I think of him. As a rule he is out in the garden after eleven +o'clock; and then he sends Constance away. 'You have had enough of me +now,' he says, 'and if I wish to talk, I can talk to Fan--she is a good +listener.' This reminds me of one thing which is a continual vexation to +me. He does not seem to appreciate her properly. He does not believe, +I think, that she has any talent, or, at any rate, anything worthy of +being called talent compared with his own. Just fancy, she is usually up +all night, fearing to sleep lest he should need something; and then when +he comes out, and is made comfortable on the garden-seat, he tells her +to go and have an hour if she likes at her 'idyllic pastimes,' as he +calls her writing; and if he mentions her literary work at all, +he speaks of it just as another person would of a little piece of +crochet-work or netting, or something of that sort. + +"After she goes in he talks to me, for an hour sometimes, and when it +is over I always feel that I am very little wiser, and what he has said +comes back to me in such an indistinct or disconnected way that it would +be impossible for me to set it down on paper. I do wish, Mary, that you +could come and sit next to me--invisible to him, I mean--and listen for +half an hour, and then tell me what it all means." + +Mary laughed. "Tell you, sweet simple child? I wish Fan, that you +could come here and sit down next to me for half an hour and read out a +chapter from _Alice in Wonderland_, and then tell me what it all means. +It was Sir Isaac Newton, I think, who said of poetry that it was a +'beautiful kind of nonsense'; at all events, if he did not say it he +thought it, being a scientific man. And that is the best description I +can give of Merton's talk. That's his merit, his one art, which he +has cultivated and is proficient in. He reminds me of those street +performers who swallow match-boxes and tie themselves up with fifty +knots and then wriggle out of the rope, and keep a dozen plates, balls, +and knives and forks all flying about at one time in the air. The +mystery is how a woman like his wife--who is certainly clever, judging +from the sketches I have read, and beautiful, as I have good reason to +remember--should have thrown herself away on such a charlatan. Love is +blind, they say, but I never imagined it to be quite so blind as that!" + +Here Miss Starbrow suddenly remembered the case of another woman, also +clever and beautiful; and with a scornful glance at her own image in the +glass, she remarked, "Thou fool, first pluck the beam out of thine own +eye!" + +Then she returned to the letter: "Another thing that seems strange to +me is his cheerfulness, for he is really very bad, and Constance is +in great fear lest his cough should bring on consumption; and it is +sometimes so violent that it frightens me to hear it. Yet he is always +so lively and even gay, and sometimes laughs like a child at the things +he says himself; and I sometimes know from the way Constance receives +them that they can't be very amusing, for I do not often see the point +myself. He firmly believes that he will soon throw his illness off, and +that when he is well he will do great things. The world, he says, +knows nothing of its greatest men, and he will be satisfied to be an +obscurity, even a laughing-stock, for the next thirty or thirty-five +years. But when he is old, and has a beard, like Darwin's, covering his +breast and whiter than snow, then his name will be great on the earth. +Then it will be said that of all leaders of men he is greatest; for +whereas others led men into a barren wilderness without end, to be +destroyed therein by dragons and men-eating monsters, he led them back +to that path which they in their blind eager hurry had missed, and by +which alone the Promised Land could be reached. + +"Perhaps you will think, Mary, from my telling you all this, that I am +beginning to change my mind about him, that I am beginning to think that +there is something more in him than in others, and that it will all come +out some day. But it would be a mistake; what I have always thought I +think still." + +"Sensible girl," said Mary, putting the letter down with a smile. + +And thus did these two not infallible women, seeing that which +appeared on the surface--empty quick--vanishing froth and iridescent +bubbles--pass judgment on Merton Chance. + +One afternoon, coming in from a walk, Mary found a letter from Fan on +the hall table, and taking it up was startled to see a superfluous black +seal over the fastening. Guessing the news it contained, she carried it +up to her bedroom before opening it. "It is all over," the letter ran; +"Merton died this morning, and it was so unexpected, so terribly sudden; +and I was with him at the last moment. How shall I tell you about it? +It is anguish to think of it, and yet think of it I must, and of nothing +else; and now at ten o'clock at night I feel that I cannot rest until +I have described it all to you, and imagined what you will feel and say +to-morrow when you read my letter. + +"For the last two or three days he had seemed so much better; but this +morning after breakfasting he coughed violently for a long time, and +seemed so shaken after it that we tried to persuade him not to go out. +But he would not be persuaded; and it was such a lovely morning, he +said, and would do him good; and he felt more hopeful and happy than +ever--a sure sign that he had reached the turning-point and was already +on the way to recovery. So we came out, he leaning on our arms, to a +garden-seat under the trees at the end of a walk, quite near to the +house. When he had settled himself comfortably on the seat with some +rugs and cushions we had got with us, he said, 'Now, Connie, you can go +back if you like and leave me to talk to Fan. She is our guardian angel, +and will watch over me, and keep away all ugly phantoms and crawling +many-legged things--spiders, slugs, and caterpillars. And I shall repay +her angelic guardianship with wise, instructive speech.' + +"'But an angel looks for no instruction--no reward,' said Constance. + +"'Not so,' he replied. 'An angel is not above being taught even by a +creature of earth. And in Fan there is one thing lacking, angel though +she be, and this I shall point out to her. I can find no mysticism in +her: what she knows she knows, and with the unknowable, which may yet +be known, she concerns herself not. Who shall say of the seed I scatter +that it will not germinate in this fair garden without weeds and tares, +and strike root and blossom at last? For why should she not be a mystic +like others?' + +"Constance laughed and answered, 'Can an angel be a mystic?' + +"'Yes, certainly,' he said. 'An angel need not necessarily be a mystic, +else Fan were no angel, but even to angels it adds something. It is not +that splendour of virtue and immortality which makes their faces shine +like lightning and gives whiteness to their raiment; but it is the +rainbow tint on their wings, the spiritual melody which they eternally +make, which the old masters symbolised by placing harps and divers +strange instruments in their hands--that melody which faintly rises even +from our own earthly hearts.' + +"Constance smiled and looked at me--at the white dress I had on--shall +I ever wear white again?--and answered that she had first liked me in +white, and thought it suited me best, and would have to see the rainbow +tints before saying that they would be an improvement. + +"Then she went back to the house, and from the end of the walk turned +round and gave us a smile, and Merton threw her a kiss. + +"Then he turned to me and said, 'Fan, do you hear that robin--that +little mystic robin-redbreast? Listen, he will sing again in less than +twenty seconds.' And almost before he had finished speaking, while I was +looking at him, a change came over him, and his face was of the colour +of ashes; and he said, with a kind of moan and so low that I could +scarcely catch the last words, 'Oh, this is cruel, cruel!' And almost +at the same moment there came a rush of blood from his mouth, and he +started forward and would have fallen to the ground had I not caught him +and held him in my arms. I called to Constance, over and over again, but +she did not hear me--no one in the house heard me. Oh, how horrible +it was--for I knew that he was dying--to hear the sounds of the house, +voices talking and the maid singing, and a boy whistling not far off, +and to call and call and not be heard! Then a dreadful faintness came +over me, and I could call no more; I shivered like a leaf and closed my +eyes, and my heart seemed to stand still, and still I held him, his head +on my breast--held him so that he did not fall. Then at last I was able +to call again, and someone must have heard, for in a few moments I saw +Constance coming along the walk running with all her speed, and the +others following. But I knew that he was already dead, for he had grown +quite still, and his clenched hand opened and dropped like a piece of +lead on my knee. + +"After that I only remember that Constance was kneeling before him, +calling out so pitifully, 'Oh, Merton, my darling, what is it? Merton, +Merton, speak to me--speak to me--one word, only one word!' Then I +fainted. When I recovered my senses I was lying on a sofa in the house, +with some of them round me doing what they could for me; and they told +me that they had sent for a doctor, and that Merton was dead. + +"But how shall I tell you about Constance? I have done nothing but cry +all day, partly from grief, and partly from a kind of nervous terror +which makes me imagine that I am still covered with those red stains, +although I took off all my things, even my shoes and stockings, and made +the servant-girl take them away out of my sight. But she does not shed a +tear, and is so quiet, occupied all the time arranging everything about +the corpse. And there is such a still, desolate look on her face; her +eyes seem to have lost all their sweetness; I am afraid to speak to +her--afraid that if I should attempt to speak one word of comfort she +would look at me almost with hatred. This afternoon I was in the room +where they have laid him, and he looked so different, younger, and his +face so much clearer than it has been looking, that it reminded me of +the past and of the first time I saw him, when he spoke so gently to me +at Dawson Place, and asked me to look up to show my eyes to him. I could +not restrain my sobs. And at last Constance said, 'Fan, if you go on in +this way you will make me cry for very sympathy.' I could not bear it +and left the room. It was so strange for her to say that! Perhaps I am +wrong to think it, but I almost believe from her tone and expression +that all her love for me has turned to bitterness because I, and not +she, was with him at the end, and heard his last word, and held him in +my arms when he died. + +"She has refused to sleep in my room, and now that the whole house is +quiet I am almost terrified at being alone, and to think that I must +spend the night by myself. I know that if I sleep I shall start up from +some dreadful dream, that I shall feel something on my hands, after so +many washings, and shall think of that last look on his ashen face, and +his last bitter words when he knew that the end had so suddenly come to +him. I wish, I wish, Mary, that I had you with me to-night, that I could +rest with your arms about me, to gain strength with your strength, for +you are so strong and brave, I so weak and cowardly. But I am alone in +my room, and can only try to persuade myself that you are thinking of +me, that when you sleep you will be with me in your dreams." + +Having finished reading the letter, Mary covered her eyes with her hand +and cried to herself quietly for a while. Cried for despised Merton +Chance; and remembered, no longer with mocking laughter, some fragments +of the "beautiful nonsense" which he had spoken to her in bygone days. +For in that bright sunshine of the late summer, among the garden trees, +the Black Angel had come without warning to him, and with one swift +stroke of his weapon had laid him, with all his dreams and delusions, +in the dust; and its tragic ending had given a new dignity, a touch of +mournful glory, and something of mystery, to the vain and wasted life. + +After a while, drying her eyes, she rose and went out again, and in +Westbourne Grove ordered a wreath for Merton's coffin, and instructed +the florist to send it on the following day to the house of mourning. + +That mention of her first meeting with Merton in the girl's letter +had brought up the past very vividly to Mary's mind; at night, after +partially undressing, as she sat combing out her dark hair before the +glass, she thought of the old days when Fan had combed it for her, and +of her strange mixed feelings, when she had loved the poor girl she had +rescued from misery, and had studied to hide the feeling, being ashamed +of it, and at the same time had scorned herself for feeling shame--for +being not different from others in spite of her better instincts and +affected independence of a social code meant for meaner slavish natures. +How well she remembered that evening when Merton had amused her with his +pretty paradoxes about women not being reasonable beings, and had come +back later to make her an offer of marriage; and how before going to bed +she had looked at herself in the glass, proud of her beauty and strength +and independence, and had laughed scornfully and said that to no Merton +Chance would she give her hand; but that to one who, although stained +with vice, had strength of character, and loved her with a true and +not a sham love, she might one day give it. And thus thinking the blood +rushed to her face and dyed it red; even her neck, shoulders, and bosom +changed from ivory white to bright rose, and she turned away, startled +and ashamed at seeing her own shame so vividly imaged before her. +And moving to the bedside, while all that rich colour faded away, she +dropped languidly into a chair, and throwing her white arms over the +coverlid, laid her cheek on them with a strange self-abandonment, "Do +you call me strong and brave, Fan?" she murmured sadly. "Ah, poor child, +what a mistake! I am the weak and cowardly one, since I dare not tell +you this shameful secret, and ask you to save me. Oh, how falsely I put +it to you when I said that there are things in every heart which cannot +be told, even to the nearest and dearest! when I hinted to you that you +had not told me _all_ the story of your acquaintance with Arthur Eden. +That which you kept back was his secret as well as yours. This is mine, +only mine, and I have no courage to tell you that you are only working +my ruin--that the heart you are trying to soften has no healthy hardness +in it. I shall never tell you. Only to one being in the whole world +could I tell it--to my brother Tom. But to think of him is futile; for I +shall keep my word, and never address him again unless he first begs +my forgiveness for insulting me at Ravenna, when he called me a demon. +Never, never, and he will not do that, and there is no hope of help +from him. You shall know the result of your work one day, Fan, and how +placable this heart is. And it will perhaps grieve you when you know +that your own words, your own action, gave me back this sickness of the +soul--this old disease which had still some living rootlet left in me +when I thought myself well and safe at last. How glad I shall be to +see you again, Fan! And you will not know that under that open healthy +gladness there will be another gladness, secret and base. That I shall +eagerly listen again to hear the name my false lips forbade you to +speak--to hear it spoken with some sweet word of praise. And in a little +while I shall sink lower, and be glad to remember that my courage was +so small; and lower still, and give, reluctantly and with many protests, +the forgiveness which will prove to you--poor innocent child!--that I +have a very noble spirit in me. How sweet it is to think of it, and +how I loathe myself for the thought! And I know what the end will be. I +shall gain my desire, but my gain will be small and my loss too great to +be measured. And then farewell to you, Fan, for ever; for I shall never +have the courage to look into your eyes again, and the pure soul that +is in them. I shall be a coward still. Just as all that is weak and +unworthy in me makes me a coward now, so whatever there is that is good +in me will make me a coward then." + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + +A couple of days after the funeral Fan, accompanied by her friend, +returned to London, and the rooms she had occupied in Quebec Street. +Fortunately for her young lodger's peace of mind, now less inclined for +delicate feeding than ever, Mrs. Fay had gone off on her annual holiday. +Not that her health required change of air, nor because she took any +delight in the sublime and beautiful as seen in the ocean and nature +generally, but because it was a great pleasure to her to taste of many +strange dishes, and criticise mentally and gloat over the abominable +messes which other lodging--and boarding-house keepers are accustomed to +put before their unhappy guests. And as the woman left in charge of +the establishment knew not Francatelli, and never rose above the rude +simplicity of "plain" cookery--depressing word!--and was only too +glad when nothing was required beyond the homely familiar chop, with +a vegetable spoiled in the usual way, dinner at Quebec Street, if no +longer a pleasure, was not a burden. + +That strange quietude, tearless and repellent, concerning which Fan had +spoken in her letter, still had possession of Constance. But it was not +the quietude experienced by the overwrought spirit when the struggle is +over, and the reaction comes--the healing apathy which nature sometimes +gives to the afflicted. It was not that, nor anything like it. The +struggle had been prolonged and severe; he was gone in whom all her +hopes and affections had been centred, and life seemed colourless +without him; but she knew that it would not always be so, that the time +would come when she would again take pleasure in her work, when the +applause of other lips than those now cold would seem sweet to her. The +quietude was only on the surface; under it smouldered a sullen fire of +rebellion and animosity against God and man, because Merton had perished +and had not lived to justify his existence; and if the thought ever +entered her soul--and how often it was there to torture her!--that the +world had judged him rightly and she falsely, it only served to increase +her secret bitterness. + +When spoken to by those around her, she would converse, unsmilingly, +neither sad nor cheerful, with but slight interest in the subject +started; it was plain to see that she preferred to be left alone, even +by her two dearest friends, Fan and the curate, who had attended the +funeral and had come afterwards two or three times to see her. After +a few days Fan had proposed moving to town, and Constance had at once +consented. In her present frame of mind the solitude of London seemed +preferable to that of the country. For two or three days Fan almost +feared that the move had been a mistake; for now Constance spent more +time than ever in silence and seclusion, never going out of the house, +and remaining most of the time in her own room. Even when they were +together she would sit silent and apathetic unless forced to talk; and +the effect was that Fan grew more and more reluctant to address her, +although her heart was overcharged with its unexpressed love and +sympathy. Only once, a few days after their return to town, did +Constance give way to her poignant feelings, and that was on the +occasion of a visit from Mr. Northcott to their rooms. She saw him +reluctantly, and was strangely cold and irresponsive in her manner, +and as it quickly discouraged him when his kindly efforts met with no +appreciation, the conversation they had was soon over. When taking his +leave he spoke a few kind sympathetic words to her, to which she made no +reply, but her hand trembled in his, and she averted her face. Not +that she had tears to hide; on the contrary, it seemed to Fan, who was +watching her face, that the rising colour and brightening eyes expressed +something like resentment at the words he had spoken. When he had gone +she remained standing in the middle of the room, but presently glancing +up and encountering her friend's eyes fixed wonderingly on her face, she +turned away, and dropping into a chair burst into a passion of tears. + +Fan moved to her side. "Dear Constance," she said, putting a hand on the +other's shoulder, "it is better to cry than to be as you have been all +these days." + +But Constance, mastering her sobs with a great effort, rose to her feet +and put her friend's hand aside. + +"Do you think tears are a relief to me?" she said with bitterness. "You +are mistaken. They are caused by his words--his pretended grief and +sympathy with me for what he calls my great loss. But; I know that he +never understood and never appreciated my husband--I know that in his +heart of hearts he thinks, as _you_ think, Fan, that my loss is a +gain. I understood him as you and Harold never could. You knew only his +weakness, which he would have outgrown, not the hidden strength behind +it. I know what I have lost, and prefer to be left alone, and to hear no +condolences from anyone." Then, bursting into tears again, she left the +room. + +This was unspeakably painful to Fan--chiefly because the words Constance +had spoken were true. They were cruel words to come from her friend's +lips, but she considered that they had been spoken hastily, in a sudden +passion of grief, and she felt no resentment, and only hoped that in +time kindlier feelings would prevail. Her manner lost nothing of its +loving gentleness, but she no longer tried to persuade Constance to go +out with her; it was best, she thought, to obey her wish and leave her +alone. She herself, loving exercise, and taking an inexhaustible delight +in the life and movement of the streets, spent more time than ever out +of doors. Her walks almost invariably ended in Hyde Park, where she +would sit and rest for half an hour under the grateful shade of the elms +and limes; and then, coming out into the Bayswater Road, she would stand +irresolute, or walk on for a little distance into Oxford Street, with +downcast eyes and with slower and slower steps. For at home there +would be Constance, sitting solitary in her room and indisposed for any +communion except that with her own sorrow-burdened heart; while on the +other hand, within a few minutes' drive, there was Dawson Place--bright +with flowers and pleasant memories--and above all, Mary, who was always +glad to see her, and would perhaps be wishing for her and expecting her +even now. And while considering, hesitating, the welcome tingling "Keb!" +uttered sharp and clear like the cry of some wild animal, would startle +her. For that principal league-long thoroughfare of London is "always +peopled with a great multitude of"--no, not "vanities," certainly not! +but loitering hansoms, and cabby's sharp eye is quick to spot a person +hesitating where to go (and able to pay for a ride), as the trained +rapacious eye of the hawk is to spy out a wounded or sickly bird. Then +the swift wheels would be drawn up in tempting proximity to the kerb, +and after a moment's hesitation Fan would say "Dawson Place," and step +inside, and in less than twenty minutes she would be in her friend's +arms. + +These flying improvised visits to her friend were very dear to her, +and always ended with the promise given to repeat the visit very +soon--"perhaps to-morrow"; then she would hurry home, feeling a little +guilty at her own happiness while poor Constance was so lonely and so +unhappy. + +But one day there seemed to be a change for the better. Constance talked +with Fan, for some time, asking questions about Miss Starbrow, of the +books she had been reading, and showing a return of interest in life. +When she was about to leave the room Fan came to her side and put an arm +round her neck. + +"Constance," she said, "I have been waiting anxiously to ask you when +you are going to begin your sketches again? I think--I'm sure it would +be good for you if you could write a little every day." + +Constance cast down her eyes and reflected for a few moments. + +"I could never take that up again," she said. + +"I am so sorry," was all that Fan could say in reply, and then the other +without more words left her. + +But in the evening she returned to the subject of her own accord. + +"Fan, dear," she said, "I must ask your forgiveness for the way I have +acted towards you since we have been here together. It would not have +been strange if you had resented it--if you had judged me ungrateful. +But you never changed; your patience was so great. And now that he +has gone you are more to me than ever. Not only because you have acted +towards me like a very dear sister, but also because you did that for +him which I was powerless to do. Your taking us away out of that hot +place made his last days easier and more peaceful. And you were with him +at the last, Fan. Now I can speak of that--I _must_ speak of it! Death +seemed cruel to him, coming thus suddenly, when hope was so strong +and the earth looked so bright. And how cruel it has seemed to me--the +chance that took me from his side when that terrible moment was so near! +How cruel that his dying eyes should not have looked on me, that he +should not have felt my arms sustaining him! So hard has this seemed +to me that I have thought little about you--of the agony of pain and +suspense you suffered, of the strength and courage which enabled you to +sustain him and yourself until it was all over." + +She was crying now, and ceased speaking. She had not told, nor would +she ever tell, the chief cause of the bitterness she felt at the +circumstances attending her husband's death. It was because Fan, and +no other, had been with him, sustaining him--Fan, who had always been +depreciated by him, and treated so hardly at the last; for she could +not remember that he had treated any other human creature with so little +justice. It had been hard to endure when the girl they had left, hiding +themselves from her, ashamed to know her, had found them in their +depressed and suffering condition, only to heap coals of fire on +their heads. Hard to endure that her husband seemed to have forgotten +everything, and readily took every good thing from her hands, as if it +had been only his due. But that final scene among the garden trees had +seemed to her less like chance than the deliberately-planned action of +some unseen power, that had followed them in all their wanderings, and +had led the meek spirit they had despised to their hiding-place, to give +it at last a full and perfect, yea, an angelic revenge. + +After a while, drying her eyes, she resumed: + +"But I particularly wish to speak about what you said this morning. I +could not possibly go back to those East-End sketches of life--even the +name of the paper I wrote them for is so painfully associated in my mind +with all that Merton and I went through. I was struggling so hard--oh, +so hard to keep our heads above water, and seemed to be succeeding. I +was so hopeful that better days were in store for us, and the end seemed +to come so suddenly ... and my striving had been in vain ... and the +fight was lost. I know that I must rouse myself, that I have to work for +a living, only just now I seem to have lost all desire to do anything, +all energy. But I know, Fan, that this will not last. Grief for the +dead does not endure long--never long enough. I must work, and there +is nothing I shall ever care to do for a living except literary work. I +have felt and shall feel again that a garret for shelter and dry bread +for food would be dearer to me earned in that way than every comfort and +luxury got by any other means. During the last day or two, while I have +been sitting by myself, an idea has slowly been taking shape in my mind, +which will make a fairly good story, I think, if properly worked out. +But that will take time, and just now I could not put pen to paper, +even to save myself from starving. For a little longer, dear, I must be +contented to live on your charity." + +"My charity, Constance! It was better a little while ago when you said +that I had been like a very dear sister to you. But now you make me +think that you did not mean that, that there is some bitterness in your +heart because you have accepted anything at my hands." + +"Darling, don't make that mistake. The word was not well-chosen. Let me +say your love, Fan--the love which has fed and sheltered my body, and +has done so much to sustain my soul." + +And once more they kissed and were reconciled. From that day the +improvement for which Fan had been waiting began to show itself. +Constance no longer seemed strange and unlike her former self; and she +no longer refused to go out for a walk every day. But she would not +allow her walks with Fan to interfere with the latter's visits to +Miss Starbrow. "She must be more to you than I can ever be," she would +insist. "Well, dear, she cannot be _less_, and while she and you are in +town it is only natural that you should be glad to see each other every +day." And so after a walk in the morning she would persuade Fan to go +later in the day to Dawson Place. + +One evening as they sat together talking before going to bed, Fan asked +her friend if she had written to inform Mrs. Churton of Merton's death. + +"Yes," replied Constance. "A few days after his death I wrote to mother; +it was a short letter, and the first I have sent since I wrote to tell +her that I was married. She replied, also very briefly, and coldly I +think. She expressed the hope that my husband had left some provision +for me, so that she knows nothing about how I am situated." + +After a while she spoke again. + +"How strange that you should have asked me this to-night, Fan! All day I +have been thinking of home, and had made up my mind to say something to +you about it--something I wish to do, but I had not yet found courage to +speak." + +"Tell me now, Constance." + +"I think I ought to write again and tell mother just how I am left, and +ask her to let me go home for a few weeks or months. I have no wish to +go and stay there permanently; but just now I think it would be best +to go to her--that is, if she will have me. I think the quiet of the +country would suit me, and that I might be able to start my writing +there. And, Fan--you must not take offence at this--I do not think it +would be right to live on here entirely at your expense. But if I should +find it impossible to remain any time at home, perhaps I shall be glad +to ask you to shelter me again on my return to town." + +She looked into Fan's eyes, but her apprehensions proved quite +groundless. + +"I am so glad you have thought of your home just now," Fan replied. +"Perhaps after all you have gone through it will be different with your +mother. But, Constance, may I go with you?" + +"With me! And leave Miss Starbrow?" + +"Yes, I must leave her for a little while. I was going to ask you to go +with me to the seaside for a few weeks, but it will be so much better at +Eyethorne. Perhaps Mrs. Churton still feels a little offended with +me, but I hope she will not refuse to let me go with you--if you will +consent, I mean." + +"There is nothing that would please me better. I shall write at once and +ask her to receive us both, Fan." + +"If you will, Constance; but I must also write and ask her for myself. +I cannot go to live on them, knowing that they are poor, and I must ask +her to let me pay her a weekly sum." + +Constance reflected a little before answering. + +"Do you mind telling me, Fan, what you are going to offer to pay? You +must know that I can only go as my mother's guest, that if you accompany +me you must not pay more than for one." + +"Yes, I know that. I think that if I ask her to take me for about two +guineas a week it will be very moderate. It costs me so much more now +in London. And the money I am spending besides in cabs and finery--I am +afraid, Constance, that I am degenerating because I have this money, and +that I am forgetting how many poor people are in actual want." + +The result of this conversation was that the two letters were written +and sent off the following day. + +In the afternoon Fan went to Dawson Place, and Mary received her gladly, +but had no sooner heard of the projected visit to Wiltshire than a +change came. + +"You knew very well," she said, "that I wanted you to go with me to the +seaside, or somewhere; and now that Mrs. Chance is going home you might +have given a little of your time to me. But of course I was foolish to +imagine that you would leave your friend for my society." + +"I can't very well leave her now, Mary--I scarcely think it would be +right." + +"Of course it wouldn't, since you prefer to be with her," interrupted +the other. "I am never afraid to say that I do a thing because it +pleases me, but you must call it duty, or by some other fine name." + +She got up and moved indignantly about the room, pushing a chair out of +her way. + +"I'm sorry you take it in that way," said Fan. "I was going to ask you +to do something to please me, but after what you said have--" + +"Oh, that needn't deter you," said Mary, tossing her head, but evidently +interested. "If it would be pleasing to you I would of course do it. I +mean if it would be pleasing to _me_ as well. I am not quite so crazy as +to do things for which I have no inclination solely to please some other +person." + +"Not even to please me--when we are such dear friends?" + +"Certainly not, since our friendship is to be such a one-sided affair. +If I had any reason to suppose that you really cared as much for me as +you say, then everything that pleased you would please me, and I should +not mind putting myself out in any way to serve you. Before I promise +anything I must know what you want." + +"Before I tell you, Mary, let me explain why I wish to go to Eyethorne. +You know how Constance has been left, and that she is my guest. Well, +I had meant to take her with me to the seaside for a few weeks when she +said this about going home. It is the best thing she could do, but you +know from what I have told you before that she cannot count on much +sympathy from her parents, that she will perhaps be worse off under +their roof than if she were to go among strangers. If all she has gone +through since her marriage should have no effect in softening Mrs. +Churton towards her, then her home will be a very sad place, and it is +for this reason I wish to accompany her, for it may be that she will +want a friend to help her. Don't you think I am right, Mary?" + +"You must not ask me," said the other. "I shall not interfere with +anything that concerns Mrs. Chance. She is your friend and not mine, and +I would prefer not to hear anything about her. And now you can go on to +the other matter." + +"I can't very well do that, since it concerns Constance, and you forbid +me to speak of her." + +"Oh, it concerns Constance!" exclaimed Mary, and half averting her face +to conceal the disappointment she felt. "Then I'm pretty sure that I +shall not be able to please you, Fan. But you may say what you like." + +Fan moved near to her--near enough to put her hand on the other's arm. + +"Mary, it seems very strange and unnatural that you two--you and +Constance--should be dear to me, and that you should not also know and +love each other." + +"You are wasting your words, Fan. I shall never know her, and we should +not love each other. I have seen her once, and have no wish to see her +again. Oil and vinegar will not mix." + +"It is not a question of oil and vinegar, Mary, but of two women--" + +"So much the worse--I hate women." + +"Two women, both beautiful, both clever, and yet so different! Which do +you think sweetest and most beautiful--rose or stephanotis?" + +"Don't be a silly flatterer, Fan. _She_ is beautiful, I know, because +I saw her; and I was not mistaken when I knew that her beauty would +enslave you." + +"She _was_ beautiful, Mary, and I hope that she will be so again. Now +she is only a wreck of the Constance you saw at Eyethorne. But more +beautiful than you she never was, Mary." + +"Flattery, flattery, flattery!" + +"Which of those two flowers are you like, and which is she like? Let me +tell you what _I_ think. You are most like the rose, Mary--that is to me +the sweetest and most beautiful of all flowers." + +Mary turned away, shaking the caressing hand off with a gesture of +scorn. + +"And I, Mary, between two such flowers, what am I?" continued Fan. +"Someone once called me a flower, but he must have been thinking of some +poor scentless thing--a daisy, perhaps." + +"Say a heart's-ease, Fan," said Mary, turning round again to her friend +with a little laugh. + +"But I haven't finished yet. Both so proud and high-spirited, and yet +with such loving, tender hearts." + +"That is the most arrant nonsense, Fan. You must be a goose, or what is +almost as bad, a hypocrite, to say that I have any love or tenderness in +me. I confess that I did once have a little affection for you, but that +is pretty well over now." + +Fan laughed incredulously, and put her arms round her friend's neck. + +"No," said the other resolutely, "you are not going to wheedle me in +that way. I hate all women, I think, but especially those that have any +resemblance to me in character." + +"She is your exact opposite in everything," said Fan boldly. "Darling +Mary, say that you will see her just to please me. And if you can't like +her then, you needn't see her a second time." + +Mary wavered, and at length said: + +"You can call with her, if you like, Fan." + +"No, Mary, I couldn't do that. You are both proud, but you are rich and +she is poor--too poor to dress well, but too proud to take a dress as a +present from me." + +"Then, Fan, I shall make no promise at all. I am not going out of my way +to cultivate the acquaintance of a person I care nothing about and do +not wish to know merely to afford you a passing pleasure." After a while +she added, "At the same time it is just possible that some day, if the +fancy takes me, I may call at your rooms. If I happen to be in that +neighbourhood, I mean. If I should not find you in so much the better, +but you will not be able to say that I refused to do what you asked. And +now let's talk of something else." + +The words had not sounded very gracious, but Fan was well satisfied, and +looked on her object as already gained. The discovery which she made, +that she had a great deal of power over Mary, had moreover given her a +strange happiness, exhilarating her like wine. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + +For the next two days Fan was continually on the tiptoe of expectation, +shortening her walks for fear of missing Mary, and not going to Dawson +Place, and still her friend came not. On the third day she came about +three o'clock in the afternoon, when Fan by chance happened to be out. + +Miss Starbrow, on hearing at the door that Miss Eden was not at home, +considered for a few moments, and then sent up her card to Constance, +who was greatly surprised to see it, for Fan had said nothing to make +her expect such a visit. She concluded that it was for Fan, and that +Miss Starbrow wished to wait or leave some message for her. In the +sitting-room they met, Constance slightly nervous and looking pale in +her mourning, and regarded each other with no little curiosity. + +"I am sorry Fan is out," said Constance, "but if you do not mind waiting +for her she will perhaps come in soon." + +"I shall be glad to see her--she has forsaken me for the last few days. +But I called to-day to see you, Mrs. Chance." + +Constance looked surprised. "Thank you, Miss Starbrow, it is very kind +of you," she answered quietly. + +There was a slight shadow on the other's face; she had come only to +please Fan, and was not at ease with this woman, who was a stranger to +her, and perhaps resented her visit. Then she remembered that Constance +had become acquainted with Merton Chance only through Fan's having seen +him once at her house, reflecting with a feeling of mingled wonder and +compassion that through so trivial a circumstance this poor girl's life +had been so darkly clouded. They had sat for some moments in silence +when Miss Starbrow, with a softened look in her eyes and in a gentler +tone, spoke again. + +"We have met only once before," she said, "and that is a long time ago, +but I have heard so much of you from Fan that I cannot think of you as +a stranger, and the change I see in you reminds me strongly of all you +have suffered since." + +"Yes, I suppose I must seem greatly changed," returned the other, not +speaking so coldly as at first. Then, with a searching glance at her +visitor's face, she added, "You knew my husband before I did, Miss +Starbrow." + +Ever since her marriage she had been haunted with the thought that there +had been something more than a mere acquaintance between Merton and +this lady. Her husband himself had given her that suspicion by the +disparaging way he had invariably spoken of her, and his desire to know +everything that Fan had said about her. That Fan had never told her +anything was no proof that there was nothing to tell, since the girl was +strangely close about some things. + +"Yes," returned Miss Starbrow, noting and perhaps rightly interpreting +the other's look. "He used occasionally to come to my house on Wednesday +evenings. I never saw him except at these little gatherings, but I liked +him very much and admired his talents. I was deeply shocked to hear of +his death." + +Constance dropped her eyes, which had grown slightly dim. "Your words +sound sincere," she returned. + +"That is a strange thing to say, I think," returned Miss Starbrow +quickly. "It is not my custom to be insincere." And then her sincerity +almost compelled her to add, "But about your late husband I have said +too much." For that was what she felt, and it vexed her soul to have to +utter polite falsehoods. + +"I fear I did not express myself well," apologised Constance. "But +I have grown a little morbid, perhaps, through knowing that the few +friends I have, who knew my husband, had formed a somewhat disparaging +and greatly mistaken opinion of him. I am sorry they knew him so little; +but it is perhaps natural for us to think little of any man until he +succeeds. What I meant to say was that your words did not sound as if +they came only from your lips." + +"Perhaps you are a little morbid, Mrs. Chance--forgive me for saying it. +For after all what does it matter what people say or think about any +of us? I dare say that if your husband had by chance invented a new +button-hook or something, and had been paid fifty thousand pounds for +the patent, or if someone had died and left him a fortune, people would +have seen all the good that was in him and more." + +"Yes, I suppose so. And yet it seems a cynical view to take. I should +like to believe that it is not necessary to be wealthy, or famous, or +distinguished in any way above my fellows, in order to win hearts--to +make others know me as I know myself." + +"Perhaps the view I took was cynical, Mrs. Chance. At all events, +without being either wealthy or famous, you have won at least one friend +who seems to know you well, and loves you with her whole heart." + +Again Constance looked searchingly at her, remembering that old jealousy +of her visitor, and not quite sure that the words had not been spoken +merely to draw her out. And Mary guessed her thought and frowned again. + +"Yes," quickly returned Constance, casting her suspicion away, "I have +in Fan a friend indeed. A sweeter, more candid and loving spirit it +would be impossible to find on earth. Not only does she greatly love, +but there is also in her a rare faculty of inspiring love in those she +encounters." + +"Yes, I know that," said Mary, thinking how much better she knew it +than the other, and of the two distinct kinds of love it had been Fan's +fortune to inspire. + +"I blame myself greatly for having kept away from her for so long," +continued Constance. "But she is very tenacious. It has sometimes seemed +strange to me that one so impressionable and clinging as she is should +be so unchangeable in her affections." + +"Yes, I think she is that." + +"You have reason to think it, Miss Starbrow. You have, and always have +had, the first place in her heart, and her feelings towards you have +never changed in the least from the first." + +"You wish to remind me that _my_ feelings have changed, and that more +than once," returned the other, with some slight asperity. + +"No, please do not imagine that, Miss Starbrow. But it is well that you +should know from me, since Fan will probably never tell it, that when +that letter from you came to her at Eyethorne, the only anger she +displayed was at hearing unkind words spoken of you." + +"But who spoke unkind words of me?" + +"I did." + +"You are certainly frank, Mrs. Chance." + +"Am I too frank? I could not help telling you this; now that we have met +again my conscience would not let me keep silence. I spoke then hastily, +angrily, and, I am glad now to be able to confess, unjustly." + +"That I cannot say, but I like you all the better for your frankness, +and I hope that you will let me be your friend." + +Constance turned her face, smiling and flushed with pleasure at the +words; their eyes met, then their hands. + +When Fan returned shortly afterwards she found them sitting side by +side on the sofa, conversing like old and intimate friends, and it was +a happy moment to her, as her heart had been long set on bringing them +together. But she had little time to taste this new happiness; hardly +had she kissed Mary and expressed her pleasure at seeing her, when the +servant came up with a visitor's card, and the visitor himself quickly +followed, and almost before Fan had read the name, Captain Horton was in +the room. Constance, as it happened, knew nothing about him except that +he was a friend of Fan's, whom he had met formerly at Miss Starbrow's +house, but his sudden unexpected entrance had an almost paralysing +effect on the other two. Fan advanced to meet him, but pale and +agitated, and then Mary also rose from her seat, her face becoming +livid, and seizing Fan by the arm drew her back; while the visitor, the +smile with which he had entered gone from his face, stood still in the +middle of the room, his eyes fixed on the white angry countenance before +him. + +For days past, ever since Fan's return to London after Merton's funeral, +Mary had been impatiently waiting to hear this man's name spoken +again--to hear Fan say favourable things of him, and plead for pardon; +and because the wished words had not been spoken, she had felt secretly +unhappy, and even vexed, with the girl for her silence. Again and +again it had been on her lips to ask, "How are you getting on with +that charming new friend of yours?" but for very shame she had held her +peace. And now that the thing she had wished had come to her--that the +man she had secretly pined to see was in her presence--all that softness +she had lamented, or had pretended to herself to lament, was gone in +one moment. For her first thought was that his coming at that moment had +been prearranged, that Fan had planned to bring about the reconciliation +in her own way; and that was more than she could stand. In time the +reconciliation would have come, but as she would have it, slowly, little +by little, and her forgiveness would be given reluctantly, not forced +from her as it were by violence. Now she could only remember the +treatment she had received at his hands--the insult, the outrage, and +his audacity in thus coming on her by surprise stung and roused all the +virago in her. + +"Fan, I see it all now," she exclaimed, her voice ringing clear and +incisive. "I see through the hypocritical reason you had for asking me +to come here. But you will gain nothing by this mean trick to bring me +and that man together. It was a plot between you two, and the result +will be a breach between us, and nothing more." + +Constance had also risen now, and was regarding them with undisguised +astonishment. + +"A plot, Mary! Oh, what a mistake you are making! I have not seen +Captain Horton for weeks, and had no idea that he meant to call on me +here. Your visit was also unexpected, Mary, and it surprised me when I +came in and found you here a few minutes ago." + +"Then I have made a mistake--I have done you an injustice and must ask +your forgiveness. But you know, Fan, what I feel about Captain Horton, +and that it is impossible for me to remain for a moment under the same +roof with him, and you and Mrs. Chance must not think it strange if I +leave you now." + +"No, Miss Starbrow, you shall not cut your visit short on my account," +said the Captain, speaking for the first time and very quietly. "I did +not expect you here, and if my presence in the room for a few moments +would be so obnoxious to you I shall of course go away." + +"I am so sorry it has happened," said Fan. + +But Miss Starbrow was not willing to let him depart before giving +him another taste of her resentment. "Did you imagine, sir, that your +presence could be anything but obnoxious to me?" she retorted. "Did you +think I had forgotten?" + +"No, not that," he replied. + +"What then?" came the quick answer, the sharp tone cutting the senses +like a lash. + +He hesitated, glancing at her with troubled eyes, and then replied--"I +thought, Miss Starbrow, that when you heard that I was trying to live +down the past--trying very hard and not unsuccessfully as I imagined--it +would have made some difference in your feelings towards me. To win your +forgiveness for the wrong I did you has been the one motive I have had +for all my strivings since I last saw you. That has been the goal I have +had before me--that only. Latterly I have hoped that Miss Eden, who +had as much reason to regard me with enmity as yourself, would be my +intercessor with you. By a most unhappy chance we have met too soon, +and I regret it, I cannot say how much; for you make the task I have set +myself seem so much harder than before that I almost despair." + +She made no reply, but after one keen glance at his face turned aside, +and stood waiting impatiently, it seemed, for him to go. + +He then expressed his regrets to Fan for having come without first +writing to ask her permission, and after shaking hands with her and +bowing to Constance, turned away. As he moved across the floor Fan kept +her eye fixed on Mary's face, and seemed at last about to make an appeal +to her, when Constance, standing by her side, and also observing Mary, +touched her hand to restrain her. + +"Captain Horton," spoke Mary, and he at once turned back from the door +and faced her. "You have come here to see Miss Eden, and I do not wish +to drive you away before you have spoken to her. I suppose we can sit in +the same room for a few minutes longer." + +"Thank you," he replied, and coming back took a seat at Fan's side. + +Mary on her part returned to the sofa and attempted to renew her +interrupted conversation with Constance. It was, however, a most +uncomfortable quartette, for Captain Horton gave only half his attention +to Fan, and seemed anxious not to lose any of Mary's low-spoken words; +while Mary on her side listened as much or more to the other two as to +Constance. In a few minutes the visitor rose to go, and after shaking +hands a second time with Fan, turned towards the other ladies and +included them both in a bow, when Constance stood up and held out her +hand to him. As he advanced to her Mary also rose to her feet, as if +anxious to keep the hem of her dress out of his way, and stood with +averted face. From Constance, after he had shaken hands with her, he +glanced at the other's face, still averted, which had grown so strangely +white and still, and for a moment longer hesitated. Then the face turned +to him, and their eyes met, each trying as it were to fathom the other's +thought, and Mary's lips quivered, and putting out her hand she spoke +with trembling voice--"Captain Horton--Jack--for Fan's sake--I forgive +you." + +"God bless you for that, Mary," he said in a low voice, taking her hand +and bending lower and lower until his lips touched her fingers. Next +moment he was gone from the room. + +Mary dropped back on to the sofa, and covered her eyes with her hand: +then Constance, seeing Fan approaching her, left the room. + +"Dear Mary, I am so glad," said the girl, putting her hand on the +other's shoulder. + +But Mary started as if stung, and shook the hand off. "I don't want your +caresses," she said, after hastily glancing round the room to make sure +that Constance was not in it. "I am not glad, I can assure you. I was +wrong to say that you had plotted to get me to meet him; it was not the +literal truth, but I had good grounds to think it. All that has happened +has been through your machinations. I should have gone on hating him +always if you had not worked on my feelings in that way. _You_ have made +me forgive that man, and I almost hate you for it. If the result +should be something you little expect--if it brings an end to our +friendship--you will only have yourself to thank for it." + +Fan looked hurt at the words, but made no reply. Mary sat for some time +in sullen silence, and then rose to go. + +"I can't stay any longer," she said. "I feel too much disgusted with +myself for having been such a fool to remain any longer with you." Then, +in a burst of passion, she added, "And that girl--Mrs. Chance--unless +she is as pitifully meek and lamb-like as yourself, what a contemptible +creature she must think me! Of course you have told her the whole +delightful story. And she probably thinks that I am still--fond of him! +It is horrible to think of it. For _your_ sake I forgave him, but I wish +I had died first." + +Fan caught her by the hand. "Mary, are you mad?" she exclaimed. "Oh, +what a poor opinion you must have of me if you imagine that I have ever +whispered a word to Constance about that affair." + +"Oh, you haven't!" said Mary beginning to smooth her ruffled plumes. +"Well, I'm sorry I said it; but what explanations are you going to give +of this scene? It must have surprised her very much." + +"I shall simply tell her that you were deeply offended at something +you had heard about Captain Horton, and had resolved never to see him +again--never to forgive him." + +"That's all very well about me; but he said in her hearing some rubbish +about you being his intercessor, and that he had been as much your enemy +as mine. What will you say about that?" + +"Nothing. I'm not a child, Mary, to be made to tell things I don't wish +to speak about. But you don't know Constance, or you would not think her +capable of questioning me." + +"Then, dear Fan, I must ask you again to forgive me. I ought to have +known you better than to fear such a thing for a moment. But, Fan, you +must make some allowance; it was so horrible trying to meet him in that +way, and--my anger got the better of me, and one is always unjust at +such times. They say," she added with a little laugh, "that an angry +woman's instinct is always to turn and rend somebody, and after he had +gone I had nobody but you to rend." + +Her temper had suddenly changed; she was smiling and gracious and +bright-eyed, and full of rich colour again. + +"Then, Mary, you will stay a little longer and take tea with us?" said +Fan quietly, but about forgiveness she said nothing. + +Just then Constance came back to the room. + +"Oh, Mrs. Chance," said Mary, "I have been waiting to say good-bye to +you, and--to apologise to you for having made such a scene the first +time we have been together. I am really ashamed of myself, but Fan will +tell you"--glancing at the girl--"that I had only too good reason to be +deeply offended with that--with Captain Horton. Fan wants me to stay to +tea, but I will do so only on the condition that you both take tea with +me at Dawson Place to-morrow afternoon." + +Constance agreed gladly; Fan less gladly, which caused Mary to look +searchingly at her. During tea she continued in the same agreeable +temper, evidently anxious only to do away with the unpleasant impression +she had made on Mrs. Chance by her disordered manner and language, which +had contrasted badly with the Captain's quiet dignity. + +Finally, when she took her departure, Fan, still strangely quiet and +grave-eyed, accompanied her to the door. "Thank you so much for coming, +Mary," she said, a little coldly. They were standing in the hall, and +the other attentively studied her face for some moments. + +"Are you still so deeply offended with me?" she said. "Can you not +forgive me, Fan?" + +"Not now, Mary," the other returned, casting down her eyes. "I can't +forgive you just yet for treating me in that way--for saying such things +to me. I shall try to forget it before to-morrow." + +Mary made no reply, nor did she move; and Fan, after waiting some time, +looked at her, not as she had expected, to find her friend's eyes fixed +on her own, but to see them cast down and full of tears. + +"I am sorry you are crying, dear Mary," she said, with a slight tremor +in her voice. "But--it can make no difference--I mean just now. I feel +that I cannot forgive you now." + +"How unfeeling you are, Fan! Do you remember what you said the other +night, that if I shut my door against you you would come and sit on the +doorstep?" + +"Yes, I remember very well." + +"And it makes no difference?" + +"No, not now." + +"And I have so often treated you badly--so badly, and you have always +been ready to forgive me. Shall I tell you all the wicked things I have +done for which you have forgiven me?" + +"No, you need not tell me. When you have treated me unkindly I have +always felt that there was something to be said for you--that it was a +mistake, and that I was partly to blame. But this is different. You +said a little while ago that you turned on me, when you were angry with +someone else, simply because I happened to be there for you to rend. +That is what I thought too." + +"If I were to go down on my knees to you, would you forgive me?" said +Mary, with a slight smile, but still speaking with that unaccustomed +meekness. + +"No, I should turn round and leave you. I do not wish to be mocked at." + +Mary looked at her wonderingly. "Dear child, I am not mocking, heaven +knows. Will you not kiss me good-bye?" + +Fan kissed her readily, but with no warmth, and murmured, "Good-bye, +Mary." + +And even after that the other still lingered a few moments in the hall, +and then, glancing again at Fan's face and seeing no change, she opened +the door and passed out. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + +Returned from her visit, Miss Starbrow appeared for a time to have +recovered her serenity, and proceeded to change her dress for dinner, +softly humming an air to herself as she moved about the room. "Poor +Fan," she said, "how barbarous of me to treat her in that way--to say +that I almost hated her! No wonder she refused to forgive me; but her +resentment will not last long. And she does not know--she does not +know." And then suddenly, all the colour fading from her cheeks again, +she burst into a passion of weeping, violent as a tropical storm when +the air has been overcharged with electricity. It was quickly over, and +she dressed herself, and went down to her solitary dinner. After sitting +for a few minutes at the table, playing with her spoon, she rose and +ordered the servant to take the dinner away--she had no appetite. The +lamps were lighted in the drawing-room, and for some time she moved +about the floor, pausing at times to take up a novel she had been +reading from the table, only to throw it down again. Then she would go +to the piano, and without sitting down, touch the keys lightly. She was +and she was not in a mood to play. She was not in voice, and could not +sing. And at last she went away to a corner of the room which was most +in shadow, and sat down on a couch, and covered her eyes with her hand +to shut out the lamplight. "If he knew how it is with me to-night he +would certainly be here," she said. "And then it would all be over soon. +But he does not know--thank God!... Oh, what a fool I was to call him +'Jack'! That was the greatest mistake I made. But there is no help for +it now--he knows what I feel, and nothing, nothing can save me. Nothing, +if he were to come now. I wish he would come. If he knows that I am at +his mercy why does he not come? No, he will not come. He is satisfied; +he has got so much to-day--so much more than he had looked to get for +a long time to come. He will wait quietly now for fear of overdoing it. +Until Christmas probably, and then he will send a little gift, perhaps +write me a letter. And that is so far off--three months and a half--time +enough to breathe and think." + +Just then a visitor's knock sounded loud at the door, and she started +to her feet, white and trembling with agitation. "Oh, my God! he has +come--he has guessed!" she exclaimed, pressing her hand on her throbbing +breast. + +But it was a false alarm. The visitor proved to be a young gentleman +named Theed, aged about twenty-one, who was devoted to music and +sometimes sang duets with her. She would have none of his duets +to-night. She scarcely smiled when receiving him, and would scarcely +condescend to talk to him. She was in no mood for talking with this +immature young man--this boy, who came with his prattle when she wished +to be alone. It was very uncomfortable for him. + +"I hope you are not feeling unwell, Miss Starbrow," he ventured to +remark. + +"Feeling sick, the Americans say," she corrected scornfully. "Do I look +it?" + +"You look rather pale, I think," he returned, a little frightened. + +"Do I?" glancing at the mirror. "Ah, yes, that is because I am out of +rouge. I only use one kind; it is sent to me from Paris, and I let it +get too low before ordering a fresh supply." + +He laughed incredulously. + +Miss Starbrow looked offended. "Are you so shortsighted and so innocent +as to imagine that the colour you generally see on my face is natural, +Mr. Theed? What a vulgar blowzy person you must have thought me! If I +had such a colour naturally, I should of course use _blanc de perle_ or +something to hide it. There is a considerable difference--even a very +young man might see it, I should think--between rouge and the crude +blazing red that nature daubs on a milkmaid's cheeks." + +He did not quite know how to take it, and changed the conversation, only +to get snubbed and mystified in the same way about other things, +until he was made thoroughly miserable; and in watching his misery she +experienced a secret savage kind of pleasure. + +No sooner had he gone than she sat down to the piano, and began singing, +song after song, as she had never sung before--English, German, French, +Italian--songs of passion and of pain--Beethoven's _Kennst du das Land_, +and Spohr's _Rose softly blooming_, and Blumenthal's _Old, Old Story_, +and then _Il Segreto_ and _O mio Fernando_ and _Stride la vampa_, and +rising to heights she seldom attempted, _Modi ab modi_ and _Ab fors' +e lui che l'anima_; pouring forth without restraint all the long-pent +yearing of her heart, all the madness and misery of a desire which might +be expressed in no other way; until outside in the street the passers-by +slackened their steps and lingered before the windows, wondering at that +strange storm of melody. And at last, as an appropriate ending to such +a storm, Domencio Thorner's _Se solitaria preghi la sera_--that perfect +echo of the heart's most importunate feeling, and its fluctuatons, when +plangent passion sinks its voice like the sea, rocking itself to +rest, and nearly finds forgetful calm; until suddenly the old pain +revives--the pain that cannot keep silence, the hunger of the heart, +the everlasting sorrow--and swells again in great and greater waves of +melody. + +There could be no other song after that. She shut the piano with a bang, +which caused the servants standing close to the door outside to jump and +steal hurriedly away on tiptoe to the kitchen. + +Only ten o'clock! How was she to get through this longest evening of her +life? So early, but too late now to expect anyone; and as it grew later +that faintness of her heart, that trembling of her knees, which had +made her hold on to a chair for support--that shadow which his expected +coming had cast on her heart--passed off, and she was so strong and so +full of energy that it was a torture to her. + +Alone there, shut up in her drawing-room, what could she do with her +overflowing strength? She could have scaled the highest mountain in the +world, and carried Mr. Whymper up in her arms; and there was nothing to +do but to read a novel, and then go to bed. She rose and angrily pushed +a chair or two out of the way to make a clear space, and then paced the +floor up and down, up and down, like some stately caged animal of the +feline kind, her lustrous eyes and dry pale lips showing the dull rage +in her heart. When eleven struck she rang the bell violently for the +servants to turn off the gas, and went to her room, slamming the doors +after her. After partly undressing she sat pondering for some time, and +then rose suddenly with a little laugh, and got her writing-case and +took paper and pen, and sat herself down to compose a letter. "Your time +has passed, Jack," she said. "I shall never make that mistake again. No, +I shall not bide your time. I shall use the opportunity you have given +me--poor fool!--and save myself. I shall write to Tom and confess my +weakness to him, and then all danger will be over. Poor old Tom, I +deserved all he said and more, and can easily forgive him to-night. And +then, Captain Jack, you can 'God-bless-you-for-that-Mary' me as much +as you like, and shed virtuous tears, and toil on in the straight and +narrow path until your red moustache turns white; and all the angels +in heaven may rejoice over your repentance if they like. _I_ shall not +rejoice or have anything more to do with you." But though the pen was +dashed spitefully into the ink many times, the ink dried from it again, +and the letter was not written; and at last she flung the pen down and +went to bed. + +There was no rest to be got there; she tossed and turned from side +to side, and flung her arms about this way and that, and finding the +bedclothes too oppressive kicked them off. At length the bedroom clock +told the hour of twelve in its slow soft musical language. And still +she tossed and turned until it struck one. She rose and drew aside the +window-curtains to let the pale starlight shine into the room, and then +going back to bed sat propped up with the pillows. "Must I really wait +all that time," she said, "sitting still, eating my own heart--wait +through half of September, October, November, December--only to put my +neck under the yoke at last? Only to give myself meekly to one I shall +never look upon, even if I look on him every hour of every day to the +end of my days, without remembering the past? without remembering to +what a depth I have fallen--despising myself without recalling all the +hatred and the loathing I have felt for my lord and master! Oh, what +a poor weak, vile thing I am! No wonder I hate and despise women +generally, knowing what I am myself--a woman! Yes, a very woman--the +plaything, the creature, the slave of a man! Let him only be a man and +show his manhood somehow, by virtue or by vice, by god-like deeds or +by crimes, be they black as night, and she _must_ be his slave. Yes, +I know, 'Hell has no fury like a woman scorned'; but did _he_ know, +Congreve, or whoever it was, what a poor contemptible thing that fury +is? A little outburst of insanity, such as scores of miserable wretches +experience any day at Hanwell, and are strapped down, or thrust into a +padded room, have cold water dashed over them, until the fit is passed. +No doubt she will do any mad thing while it lasts, things that no man +would do, but it is quickly over, this contemptible short-lived fury; +and then she is a woman again, ready to drag herself through the mire +for her tyrant, ready to kiss the brutal hand that has smitten her--to +watch and wait and pine and pray for a smile from the lying bestial +lips, as the humble Christian prays for heaven! A woman--oh, what a poor +thing it is!" + +The clock struck two. The sound started her, and changed the current +of her thoughts. "Even now it is not too late to write," she said. "The +pillar-boxes are cleared at three o'clock, the letter would be re-posted +to him to-morrow, and if he is in America he would get it in eight or +nine days." She got out of bed, lit a candle, and sat down again to her +letter, and this time she succeeded in writing it, but it was not the +letter she had meant to write. + + + MY DEAR TOM [the letter ran],--If you are willing to let bygones + be bygones I shall be very glad. I told you when we parted that I + would never speak to you again, but I of course meant not until you + made some advance and expressed sorrow for what you said to me; but I + have altered my mind now, as I have a perfect right to do. At the + same time I wish you to understand that I do not acknowledge having + been in the wrong. On the contrary, I still hold, and always shall, + that no one has any right to assume airs or authority over me, and + dictate to me as you did. I should not suffer it from a husband, if I + ever do such a foolish thing as to marry, certainly not from a + brother. The others always went on the idea that they could dictate + to me with impunity, but I suppose they see their mistake now, when I + will not have anything to do with them, and ignore them altogether. + You were always different and took my part, I must say, and I have + never forgotten it, and it was therefore very strange to have you + assuming that lofty tone, and interfering in my private affairs. For + that is what it comes to, Tom, however you may try to disguise it and + make out that it was a different matter. I do not wish to be + unfriendly with you, as if you were no better than the other + Starbrows; and I should be so glad if it could be the same as it was + before this unhappy quarrel. For though I will never be dictated to + by anyone about _anything_, it is a very good and pleasant thing + to have someone in the world who is not actuated by mercenary motives + to love and trust and confide in. + + If you have recovered from the unbrotherly temper you were in by + this time, and have made the discovery that you were entirely to + blame in that affair, and as unreasonable as even the best of men + can't help being sometimes, I shall be very glad to see you on your + return to England. + + I hope you are enjoying your travels, and that you find the + _Murracan_ language easier to understand, if not to speak, than + the French or German; also I sincerely hope that one effect of your + trip will be to make you detest the Yankees as heartily as I do. + + Your loving Sister, + + Mary Starbrow. + + P.S.--Do not delay to come to me when you arrive, as I am most + anxious to consult you about something, and shall also have some news + which you will perhaps be pleased to hear. You will probably find me + at home in London. + + +She had written the letter rapidly, and then, as if afraid of again +changing her mind about it, thrust it unread into the envelope, and +directed it to her brother's London agent, to be forwarded immediately. +Then she went to the window and raised the sash to look out and listen. +There was no sound at that hour except the occasional faintly-heard +distant rattling of a cab. Only half-past two! What should she do to +pass the time before three o'clock? Smiling to herself she went back +to the table, and still pausing at intervals to listen, wrote a note to +Fan. + + + Darling Fan,--I am so sorry--so very sorry that I grieved you to-day--I + mean yesterday--with my unkind words, and again ask your forgiveness. I + know that you will forgive me, dearest, and perhaps you forgave me before + closing your eyes in sleep, for you must be sleeping now. But when I + meet you to-morrow--I mean to-day--and see forgiveness in your sweet + eyes, I shall be as glad as if I had hoped for no such sweet thing. + Since I parted from you I have felt very unhappy about different + things--too unhappy to sleep. It is now forty minutes past two, and + if this letter is posted by three you will get it in the morning. I + have my bedroom window open so as to hear if a policeman passes; but + if one should not pass I will just slip an ulster over my nightdress + and run to the pillar-box myself Good-night, darling--I mean + good-morning. + + MARY. + + P.S.--It has been raining, I fancy, as the pavement looks wet, and + it seems cold too; but as a little penance for my unkindness to you, + I shall run to the post with bare feet. But be not alarmed, child; if + inflammation of the lungs carries me off in three weeks' time I shall + not be vexed with you, but shall look down smilingly from the sky, + and select one of the prettiest stars there to drop it down on your + forehead. + + +That little penance was not required; before many minutes had +elapsed the slow, measured, elephantine tread of the perambulating +night-policeman woke the sullen echoes of Dawson Place, and if there +were any evil-doers lurking thereabouts, caused them to melt away into +the dim shadows. Taking her letters, a candle, and a shilling which she +had in readiness, Miss Starbrow ran down to the door, opened it softly +and called the man to her, and gave him the letters to post and the +shilling for himself. And then, feeling greatly relieved and very +sleepy, she went back to bed, and tossed no more. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + +The unbroken greyness out of doors, and the gusty wind sending the dead +curled-up leaves whirling through the chilly air, or racing over the +pavement of Dawson Place, made Miss Starbrow's dining-room look very +warm and pleasant one morning early in the month of October. The +fire burning brightly in the grate, and the great white and yellow +chrysanthemums in the blue pot on the breakfast-table, spoke of autumn +and coming cold; and the fire and the misty flowers in their colours +looked in harmony with the lady's warm terra-cotta red dressing-gown, +trimmed with slaty-grey velvet; in harmony also with her face, so richly +tinted and so soft in its expression, as she sat there leisurely sipping +her coffee and reading a very long letter which the morning post had +brought her. The letter was as follows: + + +DEAR MARY,--We have now been here a whole week, and I have more to tell +you than I ever put in one letter before. Why do we always say that time +flies quickly when we are happy? I am happiest in the country, and yet +the days here seem so much longer than in town; and I seem to have lived +a whole month in one week, and yet it has been such an exceedingly happy +one. How fresh and peaceful and _homelike_ it all seemed to me when we +arrived! It was like coming back to my birthplace once more, and having +all the sensations of a happy childhood returning to me. My _happy_ +childhood began so late! + +But I must begin at the beginning and tell you everything. At first it +was a little distressing. In the house, I mean, for out of doors there +could be no change. You can't imagine how beautiful the woods look in +their brown and yellow foliage. And the poor people I used to visit all +seemed so glad to see me again, and all called me "Miss Affleck," which +made it like old times. But Mrs. Churton received us almost as if +we were strangers, and I could see that she had not got over the +unhappiness both Constance and I had caused her. She was not unkind +or cold, but she was not _motherly_; and while she studied to make us +comfortable, she spoke little, and did not seem to take any interest in +our affairs, and left us very much to ourselves. It seemed so unnatural. +And one morning, when we had been three days in the house, she was not +well enough to go out after breakfast, and Constance offered to go and +do something for her in the village. She consented a little stiffly, and +when we were left alone together I felt very uncomfortable, and at last +sat down by her and took her hand in mine. She looked surprised but said +nothing, which made it harder for me; but after a moment I got courage +to say that it grieved me to see her looking so sad and ill, and that +during all the time since I left Eyethorne I had never ceased to think +of her and to remember that she had made me look on her as a mother. +Then she began to cry; and afterwards we sat talking together for a long +time--quite an hour, I think--and I told her all about our hard life in +town, and she was astonished and deeply pained to hear what Constance +had gone through. For she knew nothing about it; she only knew that her +daughter had married Merton and was a widow and poor. I am so glad I +told her, though it made her unhappy at first, because it has made such +a difference. When Constance at last came in and found us still sitting +there together, Mrs. Churton got up and put her arms round her and +kissed her, but was unable to speak for crying. Since then she has been +so different to both of us; and when she questioned me about spiritual +things she seemed quite surprised and pleased to find that I was not an +infidel, and no worse than when I was with her. I think that in her +own heart she sets it down to Constance not having exerted herself to +convert me, thinking, I suppose, that it would have been very easy to +have done so. There is no harm in her thinking that, only it is not +true. Now she even speaks to Constance on such subjects, and tries to +win her back to her old beliefs; and although Constance does not say +much, for she knows how useless it would be, she listens very quietly to +everything, and without any sign of impatience. + +With so much to make me happy, will you think me very greedy and +discontented if I say that I should like to be still happier? I confess +that there are several little, or big, things I still wish and hope for +every day, and without them I cannot feel altogether contented. I must +name two or three of them to you, but I am afraid to begin with the most +important. I must slowly work up to that at the end. Arthur has not yet +returned to England, and I am so anxious to see him again; but he says +nothing definite in his letters about returning. I have just had a +letter from him, which I shall show you when I see you, for he speaks +of you in it. After all I have told him about you he must feel that he +knows you very well. + +Another thing. Since we have been here Constance has read me the first +chapters of the book she is writing. It is a very beautiful story, I +think; but it will be her first book, and as her name is unknown, she +is afraid that the publishers will not have it. That is one thing that +troubles me, for she says she must make her living by writing, and I am +almost as anxious as she is herself about it. + +Another thing is about you, Mary. Why, when we love each other so +much--for you can't deny that you love me as much as I do you, and I +know how much that is--why must we keep apart just now, when you can so +easily get into a train and come to me? To _us_ I should say, for I know +how glad Constance would be to have you here. Dear Mary, will you come, +if only for a fortnight--if only for a week? You remember that you +wanted to go to the seaside or somewhere with me. Well, if you will come +and join us here we might afterwards all go to Sidmouth for a short (or +long) stay; for you and I together would be able to persuade Constance +to go with us. My wish is so strong that it has made me believe you will +come, and I have even spoken to Constance and Mrs. Churton about it, and +they would give you a nice room; and you would be my guest, Mary; and if +you should object to that, then you could pay Mrs. Churton for yourself. +I have a great many other things to say to you, but shall not write +them, in the hope that you will come to hear them from my lips. Only one +thing I must mention, because it might vex you, and had therefore best +be written. You must not think because I go back to the subject that I +have any doubt about Tom being in the wrong in that quarrel you told me +about; but I must say again, Mary, that if he was in the wrong, it is +for you rather than for him to make the first advance. I would rather +people offended me sometimes than not to have the pleasure of forgiving. +Forgive me, dearest Mary, for saying this; but I can say it better than +another, since no one in the world knows so well as I do how good you +are. + +And now, dearest Mary, good-bye, and come--come to your loving + +FRANCES EDEN. + + +She had read this letter once, and now while sipping her second cup +of coffee was reading it again, when the door opened and Tom Starbrow +walked into the room. + +"Good-morning, Mary," he said, coming forward and coolly sitting down at +some distance from her. + +She had not heard him knock, and his sudden appearance made her start +and the colour forsake her cheeks; but in a moment she recovered +her composure, and returned, "Good-morning, Tom, will you have some +breakfast?" + +"No, thanks. I breakfasted quite early at Euston. I came up by a night +train, and might have been here an hour or two ago, but preferred to +wait until your usual getting-up hour." + +"I suppose you got my letter in America?" + +"Yes, I am here in answer to your letter." + +"It was very good of you to come so soon, especially as it was entirely +about my private affairs." + +"I could not know that, Mary. That high and mighty letter of yours told +me nothing except what I knew already--that I have a sister. In the +postscript you said you wished to consult me about something, and had +things to tell me. Your letter reached me in Canada. I was just +getting ready to return to New York, and had made up my mind to go to +California; then down the Pacific coast to Chili, and from there over +the Andes, and across country to Buenos Ayres on the Atlantic side, and +then by water to Brazil, and afterwards home. After getting your letter +I came straight to England." + +"I should think that after coming all that distance you might at least +have shaken hands with your sister." + +"No, Mary, the time to shake hands has not yet come; that you must know +very well. You did not say in your letter what you had to tell me, but +only that you had _something_ to tell me; remembering what we parted +in anger about, and knowing that you know how deeply I feel on that +subject, I naturally concluded that you wished to see me about it. I do +not wish to be trifled with." + +"I am not accustomed to trifle with you or with anyone," retorted his +sister with temper. "If your imagination is too lively, I am not to +blame for it. I asked you to come and see me on your return to England, +not to rush back in hot haste from America as if on a matter of life and +death. It is quite a new thing for you to be so impetuous." + +"Is that all you have to say to me then--have you brought me here only +to talk to me in the old strain?" + +"I have--I _had_ a great many things to say to you, but was in no hurry +to say them; and since you have come in this very uncomfortable frame +of mind I think it best to hold my peace. My principal object in writing +was to show you that I did not wish to be unfriendly." + +He got up from his chair, looking deeply disappointed, even angry, and +moved restlessly about for a minute or two. Near the door he paused +as if in doubt whether to go away at once without more words or not. +Finally he returned and sat down again. "Mary," he said, "you have not +treated me well; but I am now here in answer to your letter. Perhaps +I was mistaken in its meaning, but I have no wish to make our quarrel +worse than it is. Let me hear what you have to say to me; and if you +require my advice or assistance, you shall certainly have it. If I +cannot feel towards you as I did in the good old times, I shall, at any +rate, not forget that you are my sister." + +"That's a good old sensible boy," she returned, smiling. "But, Tom, +before we begin talking I should like you to read this letter, which I +was reading when you came in so suddenly. Probably you noticed that I +took what you said just now very meekly; well, that was the effect of +reading this letter, it is written in such a gentle soothing spirit. If +you will read it it might have the same quieting effect on your nerves +as it did on mine." + +He took the letter without a smile, glanced at a sentence here and +there, and looked at the name at the end. "Pooh!" he exclaimed, "do you +really wish me to wade through eight closely-written pages of this sort +of stuff--the outpourings of a sentimental young lady? I see nothing in +it except the very eccentric handwriting, and the fact that this +Frances Eden--girl or woman--doesn't put the gist of the matter into a +postscript." + +"You needn't sneer. And you won't read it? Frances Eden is Fan." + +"Fan--your Fan! Fan Affleck! Is she married then?" + +"No, only changed her name to Eden--it was her father's name. Give me +the letter back." + +"Not till I have read it," he calmly returned. "Mary," he said at last, +looking up, "this letter more than justifies what I have said to you +dozens of times. No sweeter spirit ever existed." + +"All that about the outpourings of a sentimental girl or woman?" + +"I could never have said that if I had read the letter." + +"And the eccentric writing--you admire that now, I suppose?" + +"I do. I never saw more beautiful writing in my life." + +Mary laughed. + +"You needn't laugh," he said. "If I were you I should feel more inclined +to cry. Tell me honestly now, from your heart, do you feel no remorse +when you remember how you treated that girl--the girl who wrote you this +letter; that I first saw in this room, standing there in a green dress +with a great bunch of daffodils in her hand, and looking shyly at me +from under those dark eyelashes? I thought then that I had never seen +such tender, beautiful eyes in my life. Come, Mary, don't be too proud +to acknowledge that you acted very harshly--very unjustly." + +"No, Tom, I acted justly; she brought it on herself. But I did not act +mercifully, and I will tell you why. When I threatened to cast her off +I spoke in anger--I had good reasons to be angry with her--but I should +not have done it; I should only have taken her away from those Churton +people, and kept her in London, or sent her elsewhere. But my words +brought that storm from you on my head, and that settled it; after that +I could not do less than what I had threatened to do." + +"If that is really so I am very sorry," he said. "But all's well that +ends well; only I must say, Mary, that it was unkind of you to receive +me as you did and tease me so before telling me that you were in +correspondence with the girl once more." + +"You are making a great mistake, I only tease those I like; but as for +you, you have not even apologised to me yet, and I should not think of +being so friendly with you as to tease you." + +He laughed, and going to her side caught her in his strong arms and +kissed her in spite of her resistance. + +The resistance had not been great, but presently she wiped the cheek he +had kissed, and said with a look of returning indignation, "I should +not have allowed you to kiss me if I had remembered that you have never +apologised for the insulting language you used to me at Ravenna, when +you called me a demon." + +"Did I call you a demon at Ravenna?" + +"Yes, you did." + +"Then, Mary, I am heartily ashamed of myself and beg your pardon now. +There can be no justification, but at the same time--" + +"You wish to justify yourself." + +"No, no, certainly not; but I was scarcely myself at that moment, and +you certainly did your best to vex me about Fan and other matters." + +"What do you mean by other matters?" + +"You know that I am alluding to Mr. Yewdell, and the way you treated +him. I could not have believed it of you. I began to think that I had +the most--well, capricious woman in all Europe for a sister." + +"Poor man!" + +"No, it is not poor man in this case, but poor woman. For you +contemptuously flung away the best chance of happiness that ever came to +you. I dare say that you have had offers in plenty--you have some money, +and therefore of course you would get offers--but not from Yewdells. +That could not happen to you more than once in your life. A +better-hearted fellow, a truer man--" + +"Call him a Nature's nobleman at once and have done with it." + +"Yes, a Nature's nobleman; you couldn't have described him better. A man +I should have been proud to call a brother, and who loved you not for +your miserable pelf, for that was nothing to him, but for yourself, and +with a good honest love. And he would have made you happy, Mary, not by +giving way to you as you might imagine from his unfailing good temper +and gentleness, but by being your master. For that is what you want, +Mary--a man that will rule you. And Yewdell was that sort of man, gentle +but firm--" + +"Oh, do be original, Tom, and say something pretty about a steel hand +under a silk glove." + +"Ah, well, you may scoff if you like, but perhaps you regret now that +you went so far with him. A mercenary man, or even a mean-spirited man, +would have put up with it perhaps, and followed you still. He respected +himself too much to do that. He paid you the greatest compliment a +man has it in his power to pay a woman, and you did not know how to +appreciate it. You scorned him, and he turned away from you for ever. If +you were to go to him now, though you cast yourself on your knees before +him, to ask him to renew that offer, he would look at you with stony +eyes and pass on--" + +"Stony fiddlesticks! That just shows, Tom, how well you know your own +sex. Why, Mr. Yewdell and I are the best friends in the world, and he +writes to me almost every week, and very nice letters, only too long, I +think." + +Her brother stared at her and almost gasped with astonishment. + +"Well, I am surprised and glad," he said, recovering his speech at last. +"It was worth crossing the Atlantic only to hear this." + +"Don't make any mistake, Tom. I am no more in love with him now than +when we were in Italy together." + +"All right, Mary. In future I shall do nothing but abuse him, and then +perhaps it will all come right in the end. And now about this letter +from Fan. Will you go down to that place where she is staying?" + +"I don't know, I should like to go. I have not yet made up my mind." + +"Do go, Mary; and then I might run down and put up for a day or two at +the 'Cow and Harrow,' or whatever the local inn calls itself, to have a +stroll with you among those brown and yellow woods she writes about." + +She did not answer his words. He was standing on the hearthrug watching +her face, and noticed the change, the hesitancy and softness which had +come over it. + +"You are fonder now than ever of this girl," he said. "She draws you to +her. Confess, Mary, that she has great influence over you, and that she +is doing you good." + +Her lips quivered a little, and she half averted her face. + +"Yes, she draws me to her, and I cannot resist her. But I don't know +about her doing me good, unless it be a good of which evil may come." + +"What do you mean, Mary? There is something on your mind. Don't be +afraid to confide in me." + +She got up and came to his side; she could not speak sitting there with +his eyes on her. + +"Do you remember the confession I made to you when we were at Naples? +When you spoke to me about Yewdell, and I said that I never wished to +marry? I confessed that I had allowed myself to love a man, knowing +him to be no good man. But in spite of reason I loved him, and did not +believe him altogether bad--not too bad to be my husband. Then something +happened--I found out something about him which killed my love, or +changed it to hatred rather. I despised myself for having given him my +heart, and was free again as if I had never seen him. I even thought +that I might some day love someone else, only that the time had not yet +come. But what will you think of the sequel? I did not tell you when I +discovered his true character that Fan was living with me, and knew +the whole affair--knew all that I knew--and that--she was very deeply +affected by it. Now, since Fan and I have been thrown together once +more, she has accidentally met this man again, and has persuaded herself +that he has repented of his evil courses, and she has forgiven him, +and become friendly with him, and, what is worse, has set her heart on +making me forgive him." + +"It is heavenly to forgive, Mary." + +"Yes, very likely; in _her_ case it might be right enough; she is only +acting according to her--" + +"Fanlights," interrupted her brother. "But to what does all this tend? +If you feel inclined to forgive this man his past sins you can do so, I +suppose, without throwing yourself into his arms." + +"The trouble is, Tom, that I can't separate the two things. No sooner +did Fan begin to speak to me again of him, telling me about his new +changed life, and insinuating that it would be a gracious and noble +thing in me to forgive him, than all the old feeling came back to me. +I have fought against it with my whole strength, but what is reason +against a feeling like that! And then most unhappily I met him by +chance, and--and I gave him my hand and forgave him, and even called +him by his Christian name as I had been accustomed to do. And now I feel +that--I cannot resist him." + +"Good heavens, Mary, are you such a slave to a feeling as that! Who is +this man--what is he like, and how does he live?" + +"He is a gentleman, and was in the army, but is now on the Stock +Exchange, and winning his way, I hear, in the world. He is about +thirty-five, tall, very good-looking--_I_ think; and he is also a +cultivated man, and has a very fine voice. Even before I had that +feeling for him I liked him more than any man I ever knew. Perhaps," she +added with a little anxious laugh, "the reason I loved him was because I +knew that--if I ever married him--he--would rule me." + +Her brother considered for some time. "I remember what you told me, +Mary. You said that this man had proved himself a scoundrel, but you +sometimes use extravagant language. Now there are a great many bad +things a man may do, and yet not be hopelessly bad. Passion gets the +mastery, the moral feelings may for a time appear obliterated; but in +time they revive--like that feeling of yours; and one who has seemed a +bad man may settle down at last into a rather good fellow. Confide in +me, Mary--I will not judge harshly. Let me hear the very worst you know +of him." + +She shook her head, smiling a little. + +"You will not? Then how am I to help you, and why have you told me so +much?" + +"My trouble is that you can't help me, Tom. My belief is that no man who +is worth anything ever changes. His circumstances change and he adapts +himself to them, but that is all on the surface. Can you imagine your +Mr. Yewdell something vile, degenerate, weak--a gambler, a noisy fool, a +braggart, a tippler--" + +"Good heavens, no!" + +She laughed. "Nor can I imagine the man we are talking of a good man; +nor can I believe that there is any change in him. If I had thought +that--if I had taken Fan's views, I should not have forgiven him. Then +I should not have been in danger. As it is--" She did not finish the +sentence. + +"As it is you are in danger, and deliberately refuse to let me help +you." Then in a kind of despair, he added, "I know how headstrong +you are, and that the slightest show of opposition only makes matters +worse--what _can_ I do?" + +"Nothing," she answered in a very low voice. "But, Tom, you must know +that it was hard for me to write you that letter, and that it has been +harder still to make this confession. Can't you see what I mean? Well, I +mean that I find it very refreshing to have a good talk with you. I +hope you are not going to disappear into space again as soon as our +conversation is over." + +"No," he returned with a slight laugh, and a glance at her downcast +eyes, "I am an idle man just now, and intend making a long stay in +London." + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + +On the beach at Sidmouth, about noon one day in the last week of +November, a day of almost brilliant sunshine despite the season, with +a light dry west wind crinkling the surface of the sea, Mary and +Constance, with Fan between them, were seated on a heap of shingle +sheltered from the wind by a sloping bank. Constance, with hands folded +over the closed book on her lap, sat idly gazing on the blue expanse of +water, watching the white little wave-crests that formed only to vanish +so quickly. The quiet restful life she had experienced since Merton's +death had had its effect; her form had partially recovered its +roundness, her face something of that rich brown tint that had given a +peculiar character to her beauty; the melancholy in her tender eyes was +no longer "o'erlaid with black," but was more like the clear dark of +early morning that tells of the passing of night and of the long day +that is to be. She was like the Constance of the old days at Eyethorne, +and yet unlike; something had been lost, something gained; for Nature, +archaeologist and artist, is wiser than man in her restorations, +restoring never on the old vanished lines. She was changed, but unhappy +experience had left no permanent bitterness in her heart, nor made her +world-weary, nor cynical, nor discontented; life's unutterable sadness +had only served to deepen her love and widen her sympathies. And this +was pure gain, compensation for the loss of that which had vanished and +would not return--the virgin freshness when the tender early light is +in the eye, and the lips are dewy, and no flower has yet perished in the +heart. + +To Fan at her side, interested in her novel, yet glancing up from time +to time to see what her friends were doing, and perhaps make a random +guess at their thoughts, these weeks of country and seaside life with +those she loved had added a new brightness to her refined and delicate +face. The autumn sunshine had not embrowned the transparent skin, but +the red of the lips seemed deeper, and the ethereal almond-blossom tint +on the cheeks less uncertain. + +Mary was not reading, nor thinking apparently, but sat idly humming a +tune and picking up pebbles only to throw them from her. She appeared +to have no care at her heart, to be satisfied with the mere fact of +existence while the sun shone as it did to-day, and wind and waters made +music. That beautiful red colour that seldom failed her looked richer +than ever on her cheeks; her abundant black hair hung loose on her back +to dry in the wind. For she was a great sea-bather, and while the wintry +cold of the water repelled her companions, she enjoyed her daily swim, +sometimes creating alarm by her boldness in going far out to battle with +the rough waves. + +First there had been a pleasant fortnight at Eyethorne; and during those +days of close intimacy in the Churtons' small house and out of doors, +the kindly feelings Mary and Constance had begun to experience towards +each other in London had ripened to a friendship so close that Fan might +very well have been made a little jealous at it if she had been that way +predisposed. She only felt that the highest object of her ambitions had +been gained, that her happiness was complete. There was nothing more to +be desired. The present was enough for her; if she thought of the future +at all it was only in a vague way, as she might think of the French +coast opposite, too far off to be visible, but where she would perhaps +set her foot in other years. + +At Eyethorne many letters had come to them all. Letters from Arthur +Eden, who spoke of returning soon from Continental wanderings, and of +coming down to see his sister in the country. And from Captain Horton, +also to Fan, with one at last to Mary, begging them to allow him to come +down from London to spend a few days with them. And from Mr. Northcott +to Constance--letters full of friendliest feeling, no longer resented, +and of some speculative matter; for these two had discovered an infinite +number of deep questions that called for discussion. To those questions +that concerned the spirit and were of first importance, the first place +was given; but there were also worldly affairs to correspond about, for +Constance had sent her manuscript to the curate for his opinion, and he +had kept it some time to get another (more impartial) opinion, and now +wished to submit it to a publisher. He had also expressed the intention +of visiting Eyethorne shortly. + +Eventually he came; he even preached once more in the old familiar +pulpit at the invitation of the vicar, who had not treated him too well. +On the Saturday evening before preaching, he said to Constance: + +"Once I was eager to persuade you to come to church to hear me; will you +think it strange if I ask you _not_ to come on this occasion?" + +"Why?" she returned, looking anxiously at him. "Do you mean that you are +going to make some allusion to--" + +"No, Constance. But my discourse will be about my life at the East +End of London, and what I have seen there. I shall talk not of ancient +things but of the present--that sad present we both know. You can +realise it all so vividly--it will be painful to you." + +"I had made up my mind to go. Thank you for warning me, but I shall go +all the same." + +"I am glad." + +"You must not jump to any conclusions, Harold," she said, glancing at +him. + +"No," he replied, and went away with a shadow on his face that was +scarcely a shadow. + +After all, she was able to listen to his sermon with outward calm. But +it was a happiness to Mrs. Churton when Wood End House sent so large a +contingent of worshippers to the village church, where the pew in which +she had sat alone on so many Sundays--poor Mr. Churton's increasing +ailments having prevented him from accompanying her--was so well filled. +Glancing about her, as was her custom, to note which of her poor were +present and which absent, she was surprised to see the carpenter Cawood, +with his wife and little ones, his eyes resting on the young girl at her +side, and it made her glad to think that she had not perhaps angled in +vain for this catcher of silly fish. + +The curate had not been long in the village before Tom Starbrow appeared +and established himself at the "Eyethorne Inn"; but most of his time was +spent at Wood End House, and in long drives and rambles with his sister +and Fan. Then had come the migration to Sidmouth, Tom and the curate +accompanying the ladies. Shortly afterwards Fan heard from her brother; +he was back in London, and proposed running down to pay her a visit. It +was a pleasant letter he wrote, and she had no fear of meeting him now; +he had recovered from his madness, or, to put it another way, from a +feeling that was not convenient. + +"Have you answered your brother yet?" said Mary, the morning after +Arthur's letter had been received. "I am awfully anxious to see him." + +"No, not yet; I wish to ask you something first. Arthur says he will +come down as soon as he gets my reply. And--I should like Captain Horton +to come with him." + +"They are strangers to each other, I believe," said Mary coldly. + +"Yes, I know, but my idea was to send a note to Captain Horton at the +same time, asking him to call on Arthur at his rooms, and arrange to +come down with him. But I must ask your consent first." + +"Why my consent? Your brother is coming at your invitation, and I +suppose you have the same right you exercise in his case to ask anyone +you like without my permission. You may if you think proper invite all +the people you have ever met in London, and tell them to bring their +relations and friends with them. I am not the proprietor of Sidmouth." + +"But, Mary, the cases are so different. You know Captain Horton, and +though he is my friend, and I consider myself greatly in his debt--" The +other laughed scornfully. + +"Still, I should not think of asking him to come unless you were willing +to meet him." + +"My knowing him makes no difference. I happen to be perfectly +indifferent, and care as little whether he comes or not as if he were an +absolute stranger. Less, in fact, for your brother is a stranger to me, +and I am anxious to meet him." + +Fan reflected a little, then, with a smiling look and pleading tone, she +said: + +"If you are really quite indifferent about it, Mary, you will not refuse +to let me couple your name with mine when I ask him to come down. That +would be nothing more than common politeness, I think." + +"Use my name? I shall consent to nothing of the sort!" But as she turned +to leave the room Fan caught her hand and pulled her back. + +"Don't go yet, Mary dear," she said; "we have not yet quite settled what +to do." + +The other looked at her, a little frown on her forehead, a half-smile on +her lips. + +"Very well, Fan, hear my last word, then take your own course. I quite +understand your wheedling ways, and I have so often given way that you +have come to think you can do just what you like with me. You have yet +to learn that when my mind is once made up about anything you might just +as well attempt to move the Monument as to move me. You shall not couple +my name with yours; and if you are going to ask Captain Horton down +here, I advise you, to prevent mistakes, to inform him that I distinctly +refuse to join you in the invitation." + +Fan, without replying, sat down before her writing-case. The other +paused at the door, and after hesitating a few moments came back and put +her hands on the girl's shoulder. + +"I know exactly what you are going to do, Fan," she spoke, "for you are +perfectly transparent, and I can read you like a book. You are going +to write one of your very simple candid letters to tell him what I have +said, and then finish by asking him to come down with Mr. Eden." + +"Yes, that is what I am going to do." + +"Then, my dear girl, I should like to ask you a simple straightforward +question: What is your _motive_ in acting in this way?" + +"My motive, Mary! Just now you said you could read me like a book; +must I begin to think that you boast a little too much--or are you only +pretending to be ignorant?" + +"You grow impertinent, Miss Eden," said the other with a laugh. "But if +your motive is what I imagine, then, thank goodness, your efforts are +wasted. Listen to this. If, instead of being a young innocent girl, you +were an ancient, shrivelled-up, worldly-minded woman, with a dried-up +puff-ball full of blue dust for a heart, and a scheming brain +manufactured by Maskelyne and Cook; and if you had Captain Horton for a +son, and had singled me out for his victim, you could not have done more +to put me in his power." + +Fan glanced into her face, then dropped her eyes and turned crimson. + +"Have I frightened the shy little innocent? Doesn't she like to have her +wicked little plans exposed?" said the other mockingly. + +"Can you not read me better, Mary?" said Fan; but her face was still +bent over her writing-case, nor would she say more, although the other +stood by waiting. + +Nor would Mary question her any further. She had said too much already, +and shame made her silent. + +When Captain Horton read her letter one thing only surprised him--the +reality and completeness of the forgiveness he had won from the girl, +her faith in his better nature, the single-hearted friendship she freely +gave him. He could never cease to be surprised at it. Mary's attitude, +so faithfully reported, did not surprise or discourage him; hers was a +more complex nature: she had given him her hand, and he believed that in +spite of everything something of the old wayward passion still existed +in her heart. The opportunity of meeting her again, where he might be +with her a great deal, was not to be neglected, and he did not greatly +fear the result. + +Two or three days later he arrived with Arthur Eden at Sidmouth, so that +the party now numbered seven. It was a pleasant gathering, for Mary +did not quarrel with Fan for what she had done; nor was Tom Starbrow +unfriendly towards his sister's lover; and as to Eden, he had grafted +a new and better stock on that wild olive that had flourished so +vigorously; and it thus came to pass that they spent an unclouded +fortnight together. But that is perhaps saying a little too much. Four +men and three women, so that when they broke up there was one dame +always attended by two cavaliers: strange to say, Fan was always the +favoured one. For some occult reason no one contested the curate's right +to have Constance all to himself on such occasions; for what right had +he, a religious man, to monopolise this pretty infidel? Then, too, she +was a widow, entitled by prescription to the largest share of attention; +nevertheless, the curate was allowed to have her all to himself whenever +the party broke up into couples and one inconvenient triplet. + +Arthur Eden was most inconsiderate. There were whispers and signs for +those who had ears to hear and eyes to see, but he chose not to see and +hear. On all occasions when he found an opportunity or could make one, +he took possession of Miss Starbrow; while she, on her part, appeared +willing enough to be taken possession of by him. Their sudden liking +to each other seemed strange, considering the great difference in +their dispositions; but about the fact there was no mistake, they were +constantly absent together on long drives and walks, exploring the +adjacent country, lunching at distant rural villages, and coming home to +dinner glowing with health and happy as young lovers. + +And while these two were thus taken up with each other, and the curate +and widow soberly paced the cliffs or sat on the beach discoursing +together of lofty matters--of the mysteries of our being and the hunger +of the spirit, and argued of fate, free-will, foreknowledge absolute, +wandering through eternity without lighting on any fresh discovery of +importance in that extensive field--Fan not infrequently found herself +taking part in a somewhat monotonous trio, with the Captain, baritone, +or basso rather, for he was rather depressed in mind, and Tom, tenor, +an artist who sang with feeling, but with insufficient control over his +voice. + +And one day this gentle maiden, having got her brother all to herself, +began "at him": + +"I am very glad, Arthur, that you and Mary are such good friends." + +"I'm so glad that you are glad that I'm glad," he returned airily, +quoting Mallock. + +"At the same time--" + +"Oh, yes, now you are going to say something to spoil it all, I +suppose," he interrupted. + +"I can't help thinking that it is not quite fair to the others to +carry her off day after day--especially after she has not been with her +brother for so long a time." + +"Ah, yes, her brother! Poor girl, I'm afraid you've been sadly bored. We +must somehow manage to reshuffle the cards. Starbrow might have a turn +at Constance, while you could try Northcott. Would that be better?" + +"No," she replied gravely, colouring a little, and with a troubled +glance at his face. "I am thinking principally of Mary and Captain +Horton. I know that he would like to see a little more of her, and--I +don't quite see the justice of your monopolising her." + +"And why should I give way to Captain Horton, or to any man? That's +not the way to win a lady's favour. I understand that you look on Miss +Starbrow as a species of goddess; don't you think it would be a grand +thing to be sister-in-law to one of the immortals?" + +"She could not be more to me than she is; but that you have any feeling +of _that_ kind for Mary, I don't believe, Arthur." + +"You are right," he replied, with a laugh. "I am not sure that wooing +Mary would be an altogether pleasant process; but as a friend she is a +treasure--the chummiest woman I ever came across." + +He did not tell her that the strongest bond between them was their +feeling for Fan herself. He, on his part, felt that he could never be +sufficiently grateful to the woman who had rescued his half-sister from +such a depth of destitution and misery, and had protected and loved her; +she, on hers, could not sufficiently admire him for the way in which he +had acted, in spite of social prejudices as strong almost as instincts, +when he had once discovered a sister in the poor shop-girl. At different +periods and in different ways they had both treated her badly; but the +something of remorse they could not help feeling on that account only +served to increase their present love and care for her. + +At length, one day during one of their expeditions, Arthur spoke to Mary +on a subject about which he had kept silence all along. Replying to +a remark she had made about his resemblance to the girl, he said, +"Everything I resemble her in is inherited from my grandmother on my +father's side." Then he began to laugh. + +"I don't quite see where the laugh comes in," said Mary, who had pricked +up her ears at the mention of his grandmother, for she had been waiting +to hear him say something about his relations. + +"No, but you would see it if you knew my aunt--my father's sister--and +had heard what passed between us about Fan. She is a widow, and lives in +Kensington with her two daughters--both pretty, clever girls, I think, +though they are my cousins. Let me tell you about her. She is a dear +good creature, and I am awfully fond of her; very religious too, but +what the world thinks and says, and what it will say, is as much to her +as what her Bible says, although it would shock her very much to hear +me say so. When I made the discovery that Fan was my half-sister, I told +aunt all about it. She was greatly troubled in her mind, and I suppose +that her mental picture of the girl must have been rather a disagreeable +one; but she asked no questions on the point, and I gave her no +information. She said that it was right to provide for her, and so on, +but that it would be a great mistake to make her take the family name, +or to bring her forward in any way. After a few days she wrote to me +asking what I had done or was going to do about it. I replied that Fan +was my father's daughter, and as much to me as if we had been born +of one mother as well, and that I had nothing more to say. Then I got +letter after letter, reasoning with me about my quixotic ideas, and +trying to convince me that my action would only result in spoiling the +girl, and in creating a coldness between myself and relations. It was +rather hard, because I am really fond of my aunt and my cousins. My only +answer to all her letters was to give her an account of that dream or +fancy of my father's; her reply was that that made no difference, that +I would do the girl no good by dragging her among people she was not +fitted to associate with. + +"So the matter rested until my return to England, when I called to see +her. She was still anxious, and at once asked me if I had come round to +her view. I said no. At last, finding that I was not to be moved, she +asked me to let her see the girl--she did not wish her daughters to see +her. I declined, and that brought us to a deadlock. She informed me that +there was nothing more to be said, but she couldn't help saying more, +and asked me what I intended doing about it. Nothing, I answered; since +she refused to countenance Fan, there was nothing I could do. Not quite +satisfied, she asked whether this disagreement between us would make any +difference. I said that it would make all the difference in the world. +She was angry at that, but got over it by the time my visit came to an +end, and she asked me very sweetly when I was going to see her again. I +laughed, and said that after she had turned me, quixotic ideas and all, +out of her house, I could not very well return. It distressed her very +much; for she knows that I am not all softness, that I can sometimes +stick to a resolution. Then at last came the question that should have +come first: What was this poor girl of the lower orders about whom I had +lost my reason like? + +"Before finishing I must tell you something about that grandmother I +have mentioned. She was a gentle, lovely woman, just such a one as Fan +in character, and her memory is almost worshipped by my aunt. And Fan is +exactly like what she was when a girl. I knew that my aunt possessed an +exquisite miniature portrait of her taken before her marriage, which I +had not seen for a long time. I asked her to let me look at it, and +one of the girls went and fetched it. 'This,' I said, 'allowing for the +different arrangement of the hair, might be a portrait of Fan; and in +character, the resemblance is as great as in face. I believe that my +grandmother's soul has come back to earth.' + +"'Arthur, I can't believe you!' she exclaimed. 'It is wicked of you to +compare this poor girl, the child of a person of the lower classes, to +my mother--a most heavenly-minded woman!' I only laughed, and then they +begged me to show them a photograph of Fan. I hadn't one to show, but +I got back that picture you have heard about, and forwarded it to +Kensington. Now my aunt and cousins are most anxious to see the girl, +and are rather vexed with me because I am taking my time about it. Now +you know, Mary, why I laughed." + +"My dear boy," she said, putting her hand in his, "I thought well of you +before, but better now; you have acted nobly." + +"Oh please don't say that. Besides--I think I am too old to be called a +boy--especially by a girl." + +Mary laughed. "And you can tell me all this and keep it from Fan, when +it would make her so unutterably happy!" + +"She will know it all in good time. It will be a pleasant little +surprise when she is back in London. I have sent my aunt to confer with +Mr. Travers, and his account of Fan has quite excited her." + +From all this it will be seen, that if Captain Horton feared Eden's +rivalry, he imagined a vain thing. But it was natural that he should be +disquieted. His only season of pleasure was at the end of the day, when +a reunion took place; for then Mary would lay aside her coldness, +and sing duets with him and talk in the old familiar way. But his +opportunity came at last. + +Arthur took Fan to Exeter one morning to show her the cathedral, and at +the same time to pay a visit to an old school-fellow who had a curacy +there. Tom Starbrow went with them, and they were absent all day. +Constance occupied herself with her writing, and Mary would not leave +the house alone, but towards evening they went out for a walk on the +cliff together, and there they were unexpectedly joined by Captain +Horton and Mr. Northcott, who had apparently been consoling each other. +The curate and Constance had some literary matters to discuss, and +presently drifted away from the others. Then Mary's face lost its +gaiety; even the rich colour faded from her cheeks; she was silent and +distressed, then finally grew cold and hard. + +"Shall we sit here and rest for a few minutes?" he said at length, as +they came to an old bench on the cliff overlooking the sea. + +"I am not tired, thank you." + +"But I am, Mary. Or at all events I have an uncomfortable sensation just +now, and should like to sit down if you don't mind." + +She sat down without reply, and began gazing seawards, still with that +cloud on her face. + +"May I speak to you now, Mary?" + +"You may speak, but I warn you not to." + +"And if I speak of other things?" + +"Then I shouldn't mind." + +"When you said you forgave me, did you in very truth forgive?" + +"Yes." + +"And if I say no more now, will it be better for me afterwards?" + +"No, I cannot say that." + +"Never?" + +But she remained silent, still gazing seawards. + +"Will you not say?" + +"I warned you not to speak." + +"But it is horrible--this silence and suspense." + +"We all have to bear horrible things--worse things than this." + +"I understand you. I believed you when you told me what you did just +now--of the past." + +"What then?" she questioned, turning her eyes full on him for the first +time. For a moment their eyes met; then his dropped and hers were again +turned towards the sea. + +"Is it possible, Mary, for us to be together, for our eyes to meet, +our hands to touch, without a return of that feeling you once had for +me--that was strong in you before some devil out of hell caused me to +offend you?" + +"Quite possible--that is a short answer to a long speech. It does not +seem quite fair to try and shuffle the responsibility of your actions on +to some poor imaginary devil." + +"It was a mere figure of speech. Why should you allude to things that +are forgiven?" + +"You alluded to them yourself. You know that they cannot be forgotten. +What do you expect? Let me also talk to you in figurative language. It +happens sometimes that a tree is struck by lightning and killed in an +instant--leaf, branch, and root--killed and turned to dust and ashes." + +"And still there may be a living rootlet left in the soil, which will +sprout and renew the dead tree in time." + +She glanced at him again and was silent. She had spoken falsely; +the words which she had spoken to herself on a former occasion, when +struggling against the revival of the old feeling, he had now used +against her. + +"Will you tell me, Mary, that there is not one living rootlet left?" + +She was silent for some moments; then, feeling the blood forsake her +cheeks, replied deliberately, "Not one. Can I speak plainer?" + +He, too, grew white as she spoke, and was silent for a while, then said, +"Mary, has some new growth taken the place of the old roots, which you +say were killed and turned to ashes? There would be a hollow place where +they existed--an emptiness which is hateful to Nature." + +"Still pounding away at the same metaphor!" she returned, trying with +poor success to speak in a mocking tone, and laughing in a strange, +almost hysterical way. + +"Yes, still at the same metaphor," he returned, with a keen glance at +her face. Her tone, her strained laughter, something in her expression, +told him that she had spoken falsely--that he might still hope. "You +have not answered my question, Mary." + +"You have no right to expect an answer," she returned, angry at her own +weakness and his keenness in detecting it. "But I don't mind telling +you that no other growth has occupied that hollow empty place you +described." Her voice had recovered its steadiness, and growing bolder +she added, "I don't believe that Nature really hates hollow empty +places, as you say--the world itself is hollow. Anyhow, it doesn't +matter to me in the least what she hates or likes: Nature is Nature, and +I am I." + +"But answer me this: If you can suffer me, are not my chances equally +good with those of any other man?" + +"Jack, I am getting heartily tired of this. Why do you keep on harking +back to the subject when I have spoken so plainly? Whether I shall ever +feel towards any other man as I did towards you, to my sorrow, I cannot +say; but this I can say, even if that dead feeling I once had for you +should come to life again, it would avail you nothing. I shall say no +more--except one thing, which you had better know. I shall always be +friendly, and shall never think about the past unless you yourself +remind me of it, as you did just now. This much you owe to Fan." + +He took the proffered hand in his, and bending, touched his lips to it. +Then they rose and walked on in silence--she grave, yet with a feeling +of triumph in her heart, for the feared moment had come, and she had not +been weak, and the cup of shame had passed for ever from her lips; he +profoundly sad, for it had been revealed to him that the old feeling, +in spite of her denial, was not wholly dead, and yet he knew that he had +lost her. + +Meanwhile that important literary matter was being discussed on another +portion of the cliff by the curate and Constance. It referred to the +tale she had written, which he had submitted to a publisher, who had +offered a small sum for the copyright. The book, the publisher had said, +was moderately good, but it formed only one volume; readers preferred +their novels in three volumes, even if they had to put up with inferior +quality. Besides, there was always a considerable risk in bringing out a +book by an unknown hand, with more in the same strain of explanation of +the smallness of the sum offered for the manuscript. The price being so +small, Constance was not strongly tempted to accept it. Then she wanted +to get the manuscript back. The thought of appearing as a competitor for +public favour in the novel-writing line began to produce a nervousness +in her similar to the stage-fright of young actors on their first +appearance. She had not taken pains enough, and could improve the work +by introducing new and better scenes; she had imprudently said things +she ought not to have said, and could imagine the reviewers (orthodox +to a man) tearing her book to pieces in a fine rage, and scattering its +leaves to the four winds of heaven. + +Mr. Northcott smiled at her fears. He maintained that the one fault of +the book was that the style was too good--for a novel. It was not well, +he said, to write too well. On the contrary, a certain roughness and +carelessness had their advantage, especially with critical readers, and +served to show the hand of the professed novelist who, sick or well, in +the spirit or not, fills his twenty-four or thirty-six quarto pages per +diem. A polished style, on the other hand, exhibited care and looked +amateurish. He had no very great opinion of this kind of writing, and +advised her to get rid of the delusion that when she wrote a novel she +made literature. To clinch the argument, he proceeded to put a series of +uncomfortable questions to her. Did she expect to live by novel-writing? +How long would it take her to write three volumes? How long could she +maintain existence on the market price of a three-volume novel? It was +clear that, unless she was prepared to live on bread-and-cheese, she +could not afford to re-write anything. As for the reviewers, if they +found her book tiresome, they would dismiss it in a couple of colourless +or perhaps contemptuous paragraphs; if they found it interesting, they +would recommend it; but about her religious opinions expressed in it +they would not think it necessary to say anything. + +When this matter had been settled, and she had agreed, albeit with some +misgivings, to accept the publisher's offer and let the book take its +chance, they passed to other subjects. + +"I shall feel it most," said Constance, referring to his intended +departure on the morrow. + +"These words," he returned, "will be a comfort to me when I am back in +London, after the peaceful days we have spent together." + +"You needed this holiday more than any of us, Harold. I am glad it has +given you fresh strength for your sad toiling life in town." + +"Not sad, Constance, so long as I have your sympathy." + +"You know that you always have that. It is little to give when I think +of all you were to me--to us, at that dark period of our life." She +turned her face from him. + +"Do you call it little, Constance?" He spoke with an intensity of +feeling that made his voice tremble. "It is inexpressibly dear to me; +it sweetens existence; without it I know that my life would be dark +indeed." + +"Dark, Harold! For me, and all who think with me, there is nothing to +guide but the light of nature that cannot satisfy you--that you regard +as a pale false light; it is not strange, therefore, that we make so +much of human sympathy and affection--that it sustains us. But if there +is any reality in that divine grace supposed to be given to those who +are able to believe in certain things, in spite of reason, then you are +surely wrong in speaking as you do." + +Her earnestness, a something of bitterness imparted into her words, +seemed strange, considering that as a rule she avoided discussions of +this kind. Now she appeared eager for the fray; but it was a fictitious +eagerness, a great fear had come into her heart, and she was anxious to +turn the current of his thoughts from personal and therefore dangerous +subjects. + +"I do not know--I cannot say," he returned, evading the point. "I only +know that we are no longer like soldiers in opposing camps. Perhaps I +have had some influence on you--everything we do and say must in some +degree affect those around us. I know that you have greatly changed me. +Your words, and more than your words, the lesson of your life, has sunk +into my heart, and I cannot rebuke you. For though you have not Christ's +Name on your lips, the spirit which gives to the Christian religion its +deathless vitality is in your soul, and shines in your whole life." + +They walked on in silence, he overcome with deep feeling, she unable to +reply, still apprehending danger. Then sinking his voice, he said: + +"Your heart does not blame, do not let your reason blame me for thinking +so much of your sympathy." After a while he went on, his voice still +lower and faltering, as if hope faltered--"Constance, you have done so +much for me.... You have made my life so much more to me than it was.... +Will you do more still? ... Will you let me think that the sympathy, +the affection you have so long felt for me, may in time ripen to another +feeling which will make us even more to each other than we are now?" + +His voice had grown husky and had fallen almost to a whisper at the end. +They were standing now, she pale and trembling, tears gathering in her +eyes, her fingers clasped together before her. + +"Oh, I am to blame for this," she spoke at last with passion. "But +your kindness was more to me than wine to the faint, and I believed--I +flattered myself that it was nothing more than Christian kindness, that +it never would, never could be more. I might have known--I might have +known! Harold, if you knew the pain I suffer, you would try for my sake +as well as your own to put this thought from you. The power to feel as +you would wish has gone from me--it is dead and can never live again. +Ah, why has this trouble come to divide us when our friendship was so +sweet--so much to me!" + +Every word she had spoken had pierced him; but at the end his spirit +suddenly shook off despondency, and he returned eagerly, "Constance, do +not say that it will divide us. Nothing can ever change the feelings of +deep esteem and affection I have had for you since I first knew you at +Eyethorne; nothing can make your sympathy less to me than it has been +in the past. Can you not forgive me for the pain I have caused you, and +promise that you will not be less my friend than you have been up till +now?" + +Strangely enough, the very declaration that her power to feel as he +wished was dead, and could not live again, which might well have made +his case seem hopeless, had served to inspire him with fresh hope; +and while begging for a continuance of her friendship he had said to +himself, "Once I shilly-shallied, and was too late; now I have spoken +too soon; but my time will come, for so long as the heart beats its +power to love cannot be dead." + +She could not read his thoughts; his words relieved and made her glad, +and she freely gave him her hand in token of continued friendship and +intimacy, just about the time when Captain Horton, with no secret hope +in his heart, was touching his red moustache to Mary's wash-leather +glove. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + +"A Pebble for your thoughts, Constance," said Mary, tossing one to +her feet. "But I can guess them--for so many sisters is there not one +brother?" + +"Are you so sorry that they have all left us?" returned the other, +smiling and coming back from the realms of fancy. + +"I'm sure _I_ am," said Fan, looking up from her book. "It was so +delightful to have them with us at this distance from London." + +"But why at this distance from London?" objected Mary. "According to +that, our pleasure would have been greater if we had met them at the +Canary Islands, and greater still at Honolulu or some spot in Tasmania. +Imagine what it would be to meet them in one of the planets; but if the +meeting were to take place in the furthest fixed star the delight would +be almost too much for us. At that distance, Sidmouth would seem little +further from London than Richmond or Croydon." + +Fan bent her eyes resolutely on her book. + +"You have not yet answered my question, Mary," said Constance. + +"Nor you mine, which has the right of priority. But I am not a stickler +for my rights. Listen, both of you, to a confession. I don't feel sorry +at being left alone with you two, much as I have been amused, especially +by Arthur, who has a merrier soul than his demure little sister." + +"Why will you call me _little_, Mary? I am five feet six inches and a +half, and Arthur says that's as tall as a woman ought to be." + +"A sneer at me because I am two inches taller! What other disparaging +things did he say, I wonder?" + +"You don't say that seriously, Mary--you are so seldom serious about +anything! You know, I dare say, that he is always praising you." + +"That's pleasant to hear. But what did he say--can't you remember +something?" + +"Well, for one thing, he said you had a sense of humour--and that covers +a multitude of sins." + +The others laughed. "_A propos_ of what did he pay me that pretty +compliment?" asked Mary. + +Fan, reddening a little at being laughed at, returned somewhat +defiantly, "He was comparing you to me--to your advantage, of +course--and said that I had no sense of humour. I answered that you were +always mocking at something, and if that was what he meant by a sense of +humour, I was very pleased to be without it." + +"Oh, traitress! it was you then who abused me behind my back." + +"And what about me?" asked Constance. "Did he say that I had any sense +of humour?" + +"I asked him that," said Fan, not joining in the laugh. "He said that +women have a sense of humour of their own, quite different from man's; +that it shows in their conversation, but can't be written. What they put +in their books is a kind of imitation of man's humour, and very bad. +He said that George Eliot was a very mannish woman, but that even _her_ +humour made him melancholy." + +"Oh, then I shall be in very good company if I am so fortunate as to +make this clever young gentleman melancholy." + +"I quite agree with him," said Mary, wishing to tease Constance. "As a +rule, there is something very depressing about a woman's writing when +she wishes to be amusing." + +But the other would not be teased. "Do you know, Mary," she said, +returning to the first subject, "I was in hopes that you were going to +make a much more important confession. I'm sure we both expected it." + +"You must speak for yourself about a confession," said Fan. "But I did +feel sorry to see how cast down poor Captain Horton looked before going +away." + +"The more I see of him," continued Constance, heedless of Mary's +darkening brow, "the better I like him. He is the very type of what a +man should be--strong and independent, yet gentle, so patient when his +patience is tried. It was easy to see that he was not happy, and that +the cause of it was the coldness of one Mary Starbrow." + +"Why not _your_ coldness, or Fan's coldness?" snapped the other. + +"I was not, and could not, be cold to him, and as to Fan----" + +"Why, he was constantly with me; we were the best of friends, as you +know very well, Mary." + +"So handsome too, and he has such a fine voice," continued Constance. +"Sometimes when he and Mary sang duets together, and when he seemed so +grateful for her graciousness, I thought what a splendid couple they +would make. Didn't you think the same, Fan?" + +"Yes," she replied a little doubtfully. + +"Yes!" mocked Mary. "It would be a great pleasure to me to duck you in +the sea for slavishly echoing everything Constance says." + +"Thank you, Mary, but I'm not so fond of getting wet as you are," said +Fan, with a somewhat troubled smile. + +Constance went on pitilessly: + + Oh, he was the half part of a better man + Left to be finished by such as she; + And she a fair divided excellence + Whose fullness of perfection was in him. + +"And pray what are you, Constance?" retorted the other. "A fair divided +excellence or an excellence all by yourself, or what? If you find +pleasure in contemplating a deep romantic attachment, think a little +more of Mr. Northcott. He is the type of a gentleman, if you like--brave +and gentle, and without stain. And how was _he_ rewarded for his +devotion? At all events he did not look quite like a conquering hero +when he went away." + +Constance reddened. "He is everything you say, Mary--you can't say more +in praise of him than he deserves; but you have no right to assume what +you do, and if you can't keep such absurd fancies out of your head, I +think you might refrain from expressing them." + +"But, Constance dear, what harm can there be in expressing them?" said +Fan. "They are not absurd fancies any more than what you were saying +just now. I am quite sure that Mr. Northcott is very fond of you." + +"That is your opinion, Fan; but I would rather you found some other +subject of conversation." + +"No doubt," said Mary, not disposed to let her off so easily; "but let +me warn you first that unless you treat Mr. Northcott better in future +there will be a split in the Cabinet, and Fan, I think, will be on my +side." + +"I certainly shall," said Fan. + +"In that case," said Constance with dignity, "I shall try to bear it." + +"We'll boycott you," said Mary. + +"And refuse to read your books," said Fan. + +"And tell everyone that the creator of tender-hearted heroines is +anything but tender-hearted herself." + +"This amuses you, Mary," said Constance, "but you don't seem to reflect +that it gives me pain." + +"I'm sorry, Constance, if anything I have said has given you pain," +spoke Fan. "At the same time I can't understand why it should: it must +surely be a good thing to be--loved by a good man." + +"Then, Fan, you must feel very happy," retorted the other, suddenly +changing her tactics. + +"I don't know what you mean, Constance." + +"What sweet simplicity! Do you imagine that we are so blind, Fan, as not +to see how devoted Mr. Starbrow is to you?" + +The girl reddened and darted a look at Mary, who only smiled, observing +strict neutrality. + +"You are wrong, Constance, and most unkind to say such a thing. You say +it only to turn the conversation from yourself. No one noticed such a +thing; but about Mr. Northcott it was quite different--everybody saw +it." + +"I beg you will not allude to that subject again. When I have distinctly +told you that it is annoying--that it is painful to me, you should have +a little more consideration." + +"This grows interesting," broke in Mary. "The conspirators have +quarrelled among themselves, and I shall now perhaps discover in whose +breast the evil thought was first hatched." + +The others were silent, a little abashed; Fan still blushing and +agitated after her hot protest, fearing perhaps that it had failed of +its effect. + +Mary went on: "Are we then to hear no more of these delightful +revelations? Considering that the Mr. Starbrow whose name has been +brought into the case happens to be my brother--" + +She said no more, for just then Fan burst into tears. + +"Oh, you are unkind, both of you, to say such things, when you +know--when you know--" + +"That there is no truth in them?" interrupted Mary. "Then, my dear girl, +why take it to heart?" + +"You brought it on yourself, Fan," said Constance. + +"No, Constance, it was all your doing. Even Mary never said a word till +you began it." + +"_Even_ Mary--who is not as a rule responsible for her words," said that +lady vindictively. + +"I shall not stay here any longer," exclaimed Fan, picking up her book +and attempting to rise. + +But the others put out their arms and prevented her. + +"Dear Fan," said Constance, "let us say no more to vex each other; the +remark I made was a very harmless one. And you forget, dear, that I am +different to you and Mary--that words about some things, though +spoken in jest, may hurt me very much." After a while she continued +hesitatingly--"I am sure that neither of you will return to the subject +when you know how I feel about it. I shall never love again. To others +my husband is dead, but not to me; his place can be taken by no other." + +Fan, who had recovered her composure, although still a little "teary +about the lashes," answered: + +"And I am equally sure that I shall never want to--change my name. I +have Arthur to love and--and to think of, and that will be enough to +make me happy." + +"And I shall get a cat," said Mary, in a broken voice, and +ostentatiously wiping her eyes, "and devote myself to it, and love it +with all the strength of my ardent nature, and that will be enough to +make _me_ happy. I shall name it Constance Fan, out of compliment to you +two, and feed it on the most expensive canaries. Of course it will be a +very beautiful cat and very intelligent, with opinions of its own about +the sense of humour and other deep questions." + +Constance looked offended, while Fan laughed uncomfortably. Mary was +satisfied; she had turned the tables on her persecutor and provoked +a little tempest to vary the monotony of life at the seaside. Without +saying more they got up and moved towards the town, it being near their +luncheon hour. Fan lagged behind reading, or pretending to read, as she +walked. + +"Oh, let's stay and see this race," said Mary, pausing beside a bench +on the beach near an excited group of idlers, mostly boys, with one +white-headed old man in the midst, who was arranging a racing contest +between one youngster mounted on a small, sleepy-looking, longhaired +donkey, and his opponent, dirty as to his face and argumentative, +seated on one of those archaeological curiosities commonly called +"bone-shakers," which are occasionally to be seen at remote country +places. But the preliminaries were not easily settled, and Constance +grew impatient. + +"I can't stay," she said. "I have a letter to write before lunch." + +"All right, go on," said Mary, "and I'll wait for that lazy-bones Fan." + +As soon as Constance had gone Fan quickened her steps. + +"Mary," she spoke, coming to the other's side, "will you promise me +something?" + +"What is it, dear?" said her friend, looking into her face, surprised to +see how flushed it was. + +"I suppose that Constance was only joking when she said that to me; but +promise, Mary, that you will never speak to Mr. Starbrow about such a +thing?" + +"Why?" + +"Promise, Mary--do promise," pleaded the girl. + +"But, Fan, I have already talked to him more than once on that same +dreadful subject." + +"Oh, how could you do it, Mary! You had no right to speak to him of such +a thing." + +"You must not blame me, Fan. He spoke to me first about it." + +"He did! I can hardly believe it. Was it right of him to speak of such a +thing to you?" + +"And not to you first, Fan? Poor Tom spoke to me because he was afraid +to speak to you--afraid that you had no such feeling for him as he +wished you to have. He wanted sympathy and advice, and so the poor +fellow came to me." + +"And what did you say, Mary?" + +"Of course I told him the simple truth about you. I said that you were +cold and stern in disposition, very strong-minded and despotic; but +that at some future time, if he would wait patiently, you might perhaps +condescend to make him happy and take him just for the pleasure of +possessing a man to tyrannise over." + +Fan did not laugh nor reply. Her face was bent down, and when the other +stooped and looked into it, there were tears in her eyes. + +"Crying! Oh, you foolish, sensitive child! Was it true, then, that you +did not know--never even suspected that Tom loved you?" + +"No; I think I have known it for some time. But it was so hard to hear +it spoken of in that way. I have felt so sorry; I thought it would never +be noticed--never be known--that he would see that it could never be, +and forget it. Why did you say that to him, Mary--that some day I might +feel as he wished? Don't you know that it can never be?" + +"But why can't it be, Fan? You are so young, and your feelings may +change. And he is my brother--would you not like to have me for a +sister?" + +"You _are_ my sister, Mary--more than a sister. If Arthur had had +sisters it would have made no difference. But about Tom, you must +believe me, Mary; he is just like a brother to me, and I know I shall +never change about that." + +"Ah, yes; we are all so wise about such things," returned the other with +a slight laugh, and then a long silence followed. + +There was excuse for it, for just then, the arguments about the +conditions of the race had waxed loud, degenerating into mere clamour. +It almost looked as if the more excited ones were about to settle +their differences with their flourishing fists. But Mary was scarcely +conscious of what was passing before her; she was mentally occupied +recalling certain things which she had heard two or three days ago; also +things she had seen without attention. Fan, Tom, and Arthur had told +her about that day spent in Exeter. At their destination their party had +been increased to four by Arthur's clerical friend, Frank Arnold. +This young gentleman had acted as guide to the cathedral, and had also +entertained them at luncheon, which proved a very magnificent repast +to be given by a young curate in apartments. It was all a dull wretched +affair, according to Tom; the young fellow had never left off making +himself agreeable to Fan until she had got into her carriage to return +to Sidmouth. And yet Fan had scarcely mentioned Mr. Arnold, only saying +that she had passed a happy day. How happy it must have been, thought +Mary, a new light dawning on her mind, for the sparkle of it to have +lasted so long! + +"Shall you meet your brother's friend, Mr. Arnold, again?" she asked a +little suddenly. + +"I--I think so--yes," returned Fan, a little confused. "He is coming to +London next month, and will be a great deal with Arthur, and--of course +I shall see him. Why do you ask, Mary?" + +But Mary was revolving many things in her mind, and kept silent. + +"What are you thinking about, Mary?" persisted the other. + +"Oh, about all kinds of things; mysteries, for instance, and about how +little we know of what's going on in each other's minds. You are about +as transparent a person as one could have, and yet half the time, now I +come to think of it, I don't seem to know what you would be at. A little +while ago you joined with Constance in that attack on me. I am just +asking myself, 'Would it have been pleasant to you if Jack had gone away +yesterday happy and triumphant--if I had promised him my hand?'" + +"Your hand, Mary--how can you ask such a question? How could you imagine +such a thing?" + +"Does it seem so dreadful a thing? Have you not worked on me to make +me forgive and think well of him? You do not think his repentance all +a sham; you have forgotten the past, are his friend, and trust him. Do +you, in spite of it all, still think evil of him and separate him from +other men? Was the thief on the cross who repented a less welcome guest +at that supper he was invited to because of his evil deeds? And is this +man, in whose repentance you really believe, less a child of God than +other men, that you make this strange distinction?" + +The girl cast down her eyes and was silent for some time. + +"Mary," she spoke at length, "I can't explain it, but I do feel that +there is a difference--that it is not wrong to make such a distinction. +It is in us already made, and we can't unmake it. I know that I feel +everything you have said about him, and I am very, very glad that +you too have forgiven him and are his friend. But it would have been +horrible if you had felt for him again as you did once." + +Mary turned her face away, her eyes growing dim with tears of mingled +pain and happiness; for how long it had taken her to read the soul that +was so easy to read, so crystalline, and how much it would have helped +her if she could have understood it sooner! But now the shameful cup +had passed for ever from her, and the loved girl at her side had never +discovered, never suspected, how near to her lips it had been. + +And while she stood thus, while Fan waited for her to turn her face, +hard by there sounded a great clatter and rattling of the old ramshackle +machine, and pounding of the donkey's hoofs on the gravel, and vigorous +thwacks from sticks and hands and hats on his rump by his backers, +accompanied with much noise of cheering and shouting. + +"Oh, look; it is all over!" cried Mary. "What a shame to miss it after +all--what could we have been thinking about! Come, let's go and find out +who won. I shall give sixpence to the winner, just to encourage local +sport." + +"And I," said Fan, "shall give a shilling to the loser--to encourage--" +In her haste she did not say what. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fan, by W.H. Hudson (AKA Henry Harford) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FAN *** + +***** This file should be named 7827.txt or 7827.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/8/2/7827/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Charles Franks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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