diff options
Diffstat (limited to '79247-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 79247-0.txt | 890 |
1 files changed, 890 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/79247-0.txt b/79247-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..72cda75 --- /dev/null +++ b/79247-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,890 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 79247 *** + + + WITH THE JOKER WILD + + by W. C. Tuttle + Author of “Hair-Trigger Hollibaugh,” “Mary’s Little Lamb,” etc. + + +This ain’t no poker story. I ain’t going to try and cold-deck anybody +into thinking it is, so I’ll orate right now that she ain’t. I aims to +prove uh little moral, and yuh can’t prove no morals in uh poker story, +’cause there ain’t no morals in that game. + +All I wants to do is to cinch the fact that honesty is the best policy, +and that wisdom ain’t uh better hand than luck. I played in uh poker +game once, where the deuces run wild. It wasn’t poker—it was suicide. +Over on the coast they sometimes plays with the joker wild. They opens +the game with uh silent prayer and deals five cards apiece. Before they +discards they wires for the police, coroner, and notifies their +families. Then they spends the interim—that word seems to fit exactly, +’cause it looks like interment—trying to find out where the joker fits +into uh straight. + +Honesty is the best policy. The feller who first uttered them words said +more in five movements of his vocal cords than the person did in eight, +when “A fool and his money are soon parted” was coined. Magpie Simpkins +was uh wise man. I say, “was wise,” because after he got wise to himself +he found that he was uh fool—but he’ll never admit it. + +Magpie is six feet several inches of wisdom and deduction and so forth +and so on. He’s tried every course from hair-oil to hypnotism to make +himself admired of everybody, but he still wiggles along, sluicing +gravel, herding uh burro and predicting that he’s got Solomon looking +half-witted. + +Me? I’m Ike Harper, Magpie’s pardner. I wished him on to me one time +over in Helena, when he was suffering with uh rash, brought on by trying +to convince uh wildcat that the human eye is stronger than four feet +full uh claws. Me and that animated fish-pole has seen ups and downs +ever since. + +We’re living in plenty and more or less peace, when we holds uh meeting +or two, together, and decides that there must be gold on Whispering +Crick. Whispering Crick has much in common with all other cricks. It +rises at its head and flows into uh river. It carries enough water for +uh good sluice all the year around, which makes it uh pleasant place to +prospect, even if there ain’t no gold. + +Me and Magpie pilgrims to Whispering Crick, which is about eighty miles +from Piperock, where we live, and in another county. + +Magpie always expounded the theory that gold is where yuh find it, and +that’s where we found it. Right where the pay streak couldn’t possibly +be we found it, and then Magpie sets down and reads me uh lengthy sermon +on hunches and wisdom. + +Did yuh ever see more than enough gold? That’s how the streak looks to +me and Magpie. We strips uh piece uh bedrock, and carries it down to the +crick in sacks, and I pans out uh pirate’s hoard, while Magpie pilgrims +to town to file the location of the “Golden Hunch.” + +We locates the only place on the crick where uh piece uh gold would have +uh chance to stop. We got forty acres, with about two hundred feet in +the narrowest place, and from that on down, and above, the cañon is so +narrow uh goat couldn’t find uh footing. There’s just one difficulty: +the crick is lower than the rich ground, and too far away. + +Me and Magpie parades around the place like uh pair uh bankers, and then +decides that we got to build uh dam, and to build uh dam we got to +import uh sawmill. Also we got to hire uh crew uh men, cause we’re too +rich to labor. + +As Magpie says— + +“Why get strong in the muscle and weak in the head?” + +We hires uh bunch uh poor men to swamp out uh road for about twenty +miles, to the county road, and then Magpie goes out to dicker for uh +small mill. + +This is the first time that me and Magpie has owned anything better than +fifty cents uh pan—every fifty or sixty pans—so we feels like uh bronc +in his first bunch-grass. + +One afternoon, after we gets our sawmill to running, and has uh force uh +men on the dam, uh prospector name uh “Hailstorm” Wilson, drifts in. +Hailstorm was born to sorrow. Life to him is just one “can’t” after +another, and he ain’t happy unless he brings bad news. Me and Magpie +makes him welcome as the flowers in May, and sets down to show him, in +figures, just how rich we are. + +“Going to build uh big dam, eh?” remarks Hailstorm, sad-like. “Where yuh +going to get your timber?” + +“Right here on the ground,” says Magpie, taking in uh sweep of the +country with his two hands. “We got enough right here to build several +dams.” + +“Uh-huh,” agrees Hailstorm, nodding his head slowly. “There sure is, +but——” + +“But what?” I asks. + +“Forest reserve. I reckon, according to what I can find out, you’re +entitled to firewood and enough to build uh shack, but when it comes to +putting in uh sawmill—well, it can’t be done—legally.” + +“Can’t, eh?” yelps Magpie. “Who’s to stop me, eh?” + +“Government, Magpie. Suppose uh supervisor comes up here and +says—‘Magpie Simpkins and Ike Harper, you’re under arrest for cutting +more timber than the law allows.’ What yuh going to do then, eh? What +good is uh lot uh gold going to do yuh while yuh languish in durance +vile?” + +“Well,” grins Magpie, “when uh feller’s got uh lot uh yaller gold he +looks good to most everybody, Hailstorm. When I shows that supervisor +what uh good feller I can be—well——” + +Hailstorm nods and spits at uh lizard: + +“Uh-huh. Maybe yuh could if yuh made the price right, Magpie. Yuh can’t +pike in uh case like that.” + +“Not me,” boasts Magpie, wise-like. “I got too many brains to be uh +piker in uh case like that. When it comes to handling delicate +situations I’m there like uh coyote at uh carcass—me.” + +Hailstorm and his burro pilgrims off into the hills, and we keeps right +on sawing timber. I don’t feel safe, and I tells Magpie. + +“Gosh a’mighty, Ike!” he snaps. “Quit worrying. We ain’t prospectors no +more—we’re financiers. Sabe? As soon as this dam is finished we’ll take +out uh million. You quit worrying, and let me handle the brainy end uh +this deal. Maybe they won’t never show up, but if they does—you watch +Magpie Simpkins.” + +“Yes’m,” says I. “I’ll watch yuh all right, old-timer. But what good is +gold to me if Uncle Sam is sending meals to me by uh warden? I don’t +know what the penalty is, but it’ll be uh plenty.” + +Magpie don’t absorb the gloom uh tall, but just sets there and smokes +cigarets by the yard and grins under his mustache. + +“Ike,” says he, “when we milks this here Whispering Crick dry I’m going +to take uh trip to Boston and buy uh set uh books I seen advertised in +uh paper. What are yuh going to do with your money?” + +“Me?” I asks. “Well, I reckon I’ll take uh trip over to Maine, and buy +uh canoe I seen advertised once.” + +“Canoe?” he asks. “What in —— will you do with uh canoe, Ike?” + +“I’ll bring it up here, Magpie. I’ll stick her in the water, just above +that white whirl down there, and when you starts reading out loud to me +from one uh them books, I’ll cut the rope and jump in. Maybe I’ll eat uh +few dynamite-caps so as to make it uh cinch.” + + * * * * * + +For the next few weeks we’re some busy. We got uh force uh men on the +dam, one on the sluice and another in the mill. As soon as the dam is +finished we starts to cleaning uh little bed-rock. We’ve taken out +enough to make the golden calf they tells about in the Bible look like +an 1876 penny, when this here Hailstorm Wilson pilgrims in once more, +and looks us up in our treasury. + +“I’m uh friend in need,” he states, nodding sad-like, when we welcomes +him in. + +“How much do yuh need, Hailstorm?” asks Magpie. + +Hailstorm peers off down the road, wipes away uh stray tear, and +whispers— + +“Supervisor!” + +Magpie hitches up his belt and pats himself on the chest. + +“Fear not,” says he. “Leave him to me, and all will be well.” + +“Two of ’em,” states Hailstorm. “District and State.” + +“Two is company,” grins Magpie. “Two is easier to hornswoggle than one.” + +“Seen ’em down to Devil’s Turn,” orates Hailstorm. “Uh course it ain’t +no funerial uh mine, but I goes plumb out uh my way to inform yuh, +Magpie. Things like that grieves me uh heap.” + +Magpie separates our treasury from several goodly lumps uh gold as uh +present to Hailstorm, and said Hailstorm goes on his way rejoicing. I +chides Magpie for his generosity, and then has to listen for an hour to +uh sermon on thankfulness. + +“What do yuh reckon I ought to do—foller him up and kiss him?” I asks, +when Magpie ceases. “You don’t need to chide me, Magpie. Being uh +bringer uh bad news is reward enough for Hailstorm. We’re in uh lovely +fix, if yuh asks Ike Harper. You’re going to bust your pick when you +tries to bribe officials, Magpie.” + +“Am, am I?” he snaps. “You watch me, Ike. Every man has his price.” + +“Well,” says I, “if you’re buying things today, Mister Simpkins, yuh +might make me an offer for half uh the Golden Hunch before them +supervisors shows up. I’m having uh sale today—me.” + +“Ike,” Magpie puts uh quart uh tears in his voice, and lays his hand on +my shoulder. “Ike, have no fear. Remember you got uh resourceful pardner +in me. You keep in the background, and don’t have nothing to say. Be +sort of uh silent pardner. Sabe? Just leave it all to little Magpie, and +I’ll make yuh proud to know me.” + +“I’ll keep in the background, all right, Magpie. Silent? Say, old-timer, +any time I’m in the shadow of the law I’m so silent that you could hear +uh clam, under sixteen feet uh Missouri mud, calling to its mate.” + +Long in the afternoon uh livery rig drives in from Devil’s Turn and +unloads uh couple uh men, and then leaves. Magpie don’t waste no time in +getting acquainted and extending uh welcome. One is uh tall, dark hombre +and the other is shorter and runs uh little to gray on top. They both +wears store clothes and boiled collars, and they each got uh valise, +which Magpie packs up to our wickiup and places under our bunks. + +“We’re mighty glad to see yuh,” orates Magpie, bowing each of ’em to uh +chair, the same uh which makes me set on the steps. + +“Quite some camp yuh got here,” remarks the short feller. “Must be money +here, eh?” + +“Uh-huh,” agrees Magpie. “Yuh might say there is. Would you like to look +over the works?” + +“I wouldn’t—” I starts to cut in, but Magpie shuts me right up. + +“Ike, you better get back on the job,” he states. “I got company to +entertain, and you got work to do. I can’t pay my hired help for +loafing. Sabe?” + +That makes me so mad that I goes down and sets on the dam, and wishes I +had that canoe right now. After a while I sees Magpie and them two +supervisors emerge from the cabin and wander down to where some men are +cleaning some bed-rock. + +They each got uh gold pan, and after they had been down there for uh +while I wanders down. Them two hombres are some enthusiastic, believe +me, and they’re panning dirt like they was doing it for uh living. + +“Look!” yelps the tall feller, poking around in his pan. I sees Magpie +wink at Swede Carlson, who is bossing the gang, and the Swede grins. + +“Let me get yuh uh pan uh dirt,” says Magpie. Him and Swede takes that +pan and fills it with jewelry. When they’re cleaning bed-rock they finds +nuggets in the deep crevices, which they digs out and stacks in little +heaps. + +I reckon that feller’s pan would run about fifty dollars, and he waits +with us. Then Magpie and Swede does the same to the other feller’s pan. +It’s just like letting uh man dig down into your pockets on pay-day. It +ain’t no hard job to swipe uh hundred or two in uh case like that, but +it ain’t my place to act as lookout in uh game like that. I estimates +how much ham and aigs I could buy with what we’ll lose, and the figures +brings tears to my eyes. + +Don’t get the idea that Ike Harper is stingy. He ain’t. When they starts +out on more pans of the same stuff my eyes gets so full uh tears that I +can’t see, so I goes out into the timber and weeps alone. After the +irrigation season is over I goes back to the cabin, and finds them in +there weighing the gold. + +“Yours weighs twenty ounces,” announces Magpie to the tall Jasper. “And +the other gentleman gets twenty-three.” + +Magpie talks like uh referee at uh raffle, and I wonders where I laid my +gun. + +“Wonderful ground!” exclaims the oldest one. “Isn’t it great to pan out +real money like that! The feel of it makes me wish it all belonged to +me.” + +“It does,” states Magpie. “Do yuh think I took yuh down there to pan out +gold for me? Not any. You fellers can split them forty-three ounces as +uh present from the Golden Hunch. Sabe?” + +“What’s the main idea?” asks the tall one, looking at Magpie in uh queer +way. + +“Listen; did yuh ever hear of the virtue of blindness?” + +“Uh-huh,” agrees the tall one, with uh slow grin. “I have, but not in +just that way.” + +“Well,” says Magpie, “uh man’s duty is sacred, but he can always go +deaf, dumb and blind and not hurt nobody. Sabe? Sometimes it pays to be +near-sighted.” + +Them two supervisors looks at each other for uh few seconds and then at +the gold, and they both nods. The tall one gets up and stretches his +frame. + +“Under them circumstances we sabe your proposition,” says he. “I’d like +to have uh little talk with my friend, so if yuh don’t mind we’ll take +uh little walk over the works.” + +“She’s yours,” says Magpie. “Go right ahead and take your own time. If +yuh see anything you want, take it. The keys of the Golden Hunch are +yours.” + +We sees ’em wander right up to our dam, and set down on uh pile uh new +lumber. + + * * * * * + +“Well,” says I, “they’ve found it, Magpie. They got about eight hundred +of our money and you ain’t even got uh receipt. Why didn’t yuh wait +until they puts uh price on themselves?” + +“Ike, you’re uh silent pardner in this. Sabe? We ain’t going to go to no +jail. You don’t sabe political finance, Ike, and therefore you’re uh +step behind the progress uh civilization. I knows how to handle ’em. +Them fellers has got to figure out how much it’s worth to them.” + +“What are they going to do? Give us back some change?” I asks. + +“Eight hundred ain’t much in uh case like this, Ike.” + +“Ain’t, eh?” I retorts. “Before we locates this mine, Magpie, eight +dollars would have seemed uh lot if the case was first-degree murder. +You ain’t going to give ’em more, are yuh?” + +“Ike, yuh can’t be uh piker in uh case like this.” + +“Santa Claus,” says I, “you can give ’em your immortal soul and honor, +but I’ll be danged if you gives ’em any more uh that jewelry gravel—not +while Ike Harper lives.” + +I goes down and sets on the bank the rest of the day, but they don’t +show up again. + +I’m so mad that I don’t eat with them at supper. Later on I goes up to +the shack, and finds Magpie on the steps smoking uh cigaret. + +“Well, Andrew Rockefeller, you got rid of all your filthy money?” I +asks. “I just happens to think that them Boston books will be fine to +stock some uh them libraries you’re giving away today.” + +“Go take uh ride in your little canoe, Ike,” he grins. “Things is coming +our way, just like I said. They may leave tomorrow.” + +“Yes?” says I. “I’d leave, too, if I had eight hundred dollars. What +right they got to all that money, Magpie?” + +“Ike, yuh got to pay for them things. Them two supervisors comes up here +to wish us into the pen. They comes with malice in their hearts, and I +meets ’em like they was potentates. + +“They sizes up things, and from the way I treats ’em they begins to +think: ‘Well, this here Simpkins person ain’t no bad hombre. He’s +big-hearted and open-handed. He’s real folks. He treats us like we was +royalty, and we ain’t got the heart to yell about uh few feet uh timber. +Uh course we got to be paid expenses for the trip.’ + +“Now, ain’t that deduction, Ike?” + +“Yes,” says I. “Your reasoning is as wise as the wau-wau of an owl, +which consists uh hoots. You sure treats ’em royal, Magpie. I don’t know +what it costs to travel, but two broncs and uh buckboard over forty +miles uh passable road is well paid at eight hundred dollars. Dog-gone +it, Magpie, I’d inch that distance on my back for that money.” + +Magpie smokes away on his cigaret for uh while and then opines: + +“You’d lose money and skin, Ike. You couldn’t average more than two +inches at uh wiggle, could yuh? Well, you never could wiggle the last +ten miles. Now thirty miles would mean one million, nine hundred +thousand, eight hundred inches, which would mean nine hundred and fifty +thousand, four hundred wiggles. Figuring an average of ten wiggles to +the minute—yuh can’t figure more than that on account of meals and so +forth, Ike, you——” + +“Magpie,” says I, “you said that every man had uh price. What’s yours?” + +“Huh! What yuh want to know for?” + +“I wants to see if I got enough to buy you, Magpie. If I got enough I’ll +take yuh, old-timer, cause the law gives uh man the right to kill +anything he buys.” + +Just then them two supervisors shows up, and sets down with us. + +“We must find uh place to sleep tonight,” states the tall one, and +Magpie immediate and soon gets generous again. + +“Take our beds,” says he. “Right inside is two fine bunks, and I’d deem +it uh favor to the Golden Hunch if you’d accept. You’d have the +seclusion that should be accorded to honored guests.” + +“Pshaw!” exclaims the tall one. “We don’t like to deprive you gents of +your beds thataway.” + +“No depredation uh tall,” says Magpie. “You fellers go right in and go +to bed. I’ll tell the cook to have uh good breakfast for yuh. Don’t +hurry, ’cause he works all day.” + +“Magpie,” says I, after they shuts the door. “Do you know what _mesika +hyas pelton_ means?” + +“No,” says he. + +“Well, in the Chinook jargon it means that you’re uh danged fool. The +word _hyas_ may be used for any adjective yuh feels like. If yuh can +think of anything real nasty and expressive yuh can tack it on in place +of the word danged that I used. I’d love you, Magpie—if you was dead! +You gives up our good beds to them gol-blasted officials—dang your +string-bean carcass to thunder!” + +“We’ll sleep in the bunk-house, Ike. There’s an empty bunk.” + +“Yes!” I snorts. “We’ll sleep in the bunk-house and get lousy. Aw, don’t +tell me that there ain’t no itch-bugs in there, Magpie. I seen them six +hombres from Cinnamon Crick scratching each other like uh bunch uh +monkeys. I hope you gets ’em in your mustache and has to shave it off.” + +“Don’t get sore, Ike,” says he, soothing like. “After tomorrow these +forest officials will be gone, and life will be one pleasure after +another.” + +“One grayback after another,” says I. “Some day, Magpie, I’ll trust your +judgment too far, and have to kill you to protect my life. I hope them +fellers don’t get to monkeying with my new pearl-handled six-gun. It’s +on my bunk, and she’s mighty easy on the trigger.” + +“How much did that gun cost yuh, Ike?” he asks. + +“I didn’t buy it. Weinie Lopp gave it to me for my birthday. It’s the +only birthday present I ever had, and I thinks uh heap of it.” + +“Pshaw! That’s too bad, Ike.” + +“What’s too bad?” I asks. + +“Well, yuh see it was laying around there, and this tall supervisor seen +it, and went plumb crazy over the hang of the barrel. Well, I——” + +“You gave it to him, Magpie?” + +It ain’t often that I gets mad. Paw always told me to count to uh +hundred when I felt my gorge arising. + +Twice I felt her rise, and got licked before I counted to fifteen, but +this time I forgets paw’s teachings, and me and Magpie goes into the +dirt. + +We does uh double flip-flop off the steps, and out comes this tall +pistol coveter to try and act as peacemaker. + +Uh Canuck, from over in the Bitter Roots, showed me one day how to kick +from uh reclining position, and when that lanky person opines to break +my clinch I drove my boot against the waistband of his pants in front so +hard that it scraped the label off the tobacco sack in his hip-pocket. + +I’m riled. I bounces Magpie’s head on the ground uh couple uh times, +ties his mustache behind his ears, and pilgrims right into that shack to +get my gun. I has to step right over the one I kicked. He looks up at +me, sort uh vacant-like, and mumbles something about the Milky Way, but +I don’t sabe astronomy, so I don’t argue with him over it. + +I goes down to the bunk-house and crawls into that vacant bunk, and in +about an hour Magpie shows up. He bears testimony to the fact that the +Harper tribe is rowdyish at times, but he don’t say much. + +“Some folks is born without tact,” says Magpie, sort uh melancholy, +after uh while. “Now, that gun never cost uh cent over thirty-five +dollars, and I has to pay that person about ten times that much to keep +him in good humor. It was like taking candy from an urchin before, but +when uh bull gets into uh chiny shop it sure costs uh lot for repairs, +if yuh asks me.” + +“Magpie, did you pay him for that kick I landed?” I asks. + +“The almighty dollar cureth all ills,” says he. “Enough of it is uh balm +for aching feelings.” + +“I’ll take uh million,” says I. “I’ve got ills and aching feelings. If +them two Jaspers don’t pack their little satchels and pilgrim tomorrow +I’m going down and give myself up. I feels suspicious. They ain’t said +what their price is yet, have they, Magpie?” + +“Well—not exactly.” + +“What do yuh mean?” + +“Well, Ike, I showed ’em that bunch of twenty-two hundred in selected +nuggets, and the tall one grins uh heap, and says—‘Uh man could forget +honor and duty to own uh bunch like that,’ and the other feller nods uh +heap. Now, if that ain’t uh tip, what is?” + +“And you would give them that bunch, Magpie?” I asks. + +“Ike, you can’t—simply can’t seem to understand the gravity of this +business. Why, uh feller can’t be small in uh case like this one. You +almost made that feller sore at us when you kicked him.” + +“Gosh, he must be touchy,” says I. “Some folks carries their feelings on +their sleeves thataway. I got uh good notion to go up there and kick ’em +both out and take our own bed. It’s pleasant to know that you’re bedded +down with uh crazy man and uh blanket full uh bugs. I always knowed that +you was crazy, Magpie, but I never thought you’d be crazy enough to give +away uh thousand. They ain’t never introduced themselves nor made any +threats. Seems to me that you’re buying something you don’t have to.” + +“Names don’t count in uh transaction like this. The less said the +better. Sabe? We’re in just as bad as they are if anybody should happen +to ask yuh, Ike. Bribery is uh crime.” + +“It is,” I agrees. “It should be abolished. It should be abolished or +confined to your own home. It is as criminal to give as to receive, and +I’m in favor uh hanging all three of yuh, Magpie.” + +The next morning we sure got up early. I was right when I said that them +fellers wasn’t scratching for fun. Me and Magpie itched ’fore breakfast +and itched after breakfast. I didn’t see them supervisors at breakfast, +so, between itches, I asks Magpie where they are. + +“I—er—sent their breakfast up to the shack. They’re likely tired out, +and in uh case like this yuh got to be considerate, Ike.” + +“I suppose yuh showed ’em where the hooch bottle was, too, didn’t yuh?” + +“My gosh, Ike!” he snaps. “Ain’t you got no hospitality in your system? +You makes me tired. Here I been tasking my brains to get us out of uh +mess, and all you do is to act as an anchor.” + +What can yuh do with uh hombre like that? I goes out and sets on uh +stump and offers up thanksgiving that I was born without any brains. +Magpie goes whistling and scratching up to our shack, and after uh while +he sticks out his head and yells for me to come up. I spins the cylinder +of my gun, and enters the place. + +“Ike,” says he, “I wants yuh to witness uh bill uh sale.” + +“Bill uh sale?” I asks. “What yuh selling?” + +“One pack outfit, consisting of four burros, saddles, pack-sacks, ropes +and so forth and so forth.” + +“So? Who’s buying said outfit?” + +“These gentlemen,” says he, indicating the two supervisors. + +“Yuh see,” he explains, “They desires to penetrate the interior, and +there ain’t nothing better than uh burro when it comes to uh pilgrimage. +Being as I don’t need said animiles I’m turning same over to said +gentlemen. Sabe?” + +“Mighty kind and thoughtful uh you, I’m sure,” states the older one. +“You sure are uh white man, and I hopes yuh do well.” + +“He will,” says I, signing the bill uh sale. + +I figures that Magpie held ’em up for uh good price on them mules, and +we don’t need ’em much. + +“Now,” says I, “if there’s anything more I can do before I loses my +mind, Magpie, stack me up against it.” + +“Thanks, Mister Harper,” says Magpie. “Everything is satisfactory. I’ll +get you gents uh bunch uh grub out of the storehouse pretty soon and +then you’ll be in shape to travel.” + +Them two hombres goes out with Magpie, so I unearths the hooch bottle. +There ain’t enough left to moisten uh wood-tick’s right front leg. Them +forest officials sure are intemperate. + +Magpie comes in after uh while, and sprawls on the bunk. He’s got uh +satisfied look on his face, and he pats himself on the chest. + +“Ike,” says he, “this sure is one brainy task. Nothing to fear from now +on. We can strip this here Whispering Crick bare and cut all the timber +we need, ’cause these supervisors ain’t going to bother us none in the +future. They got theirs.” + +“And mine and yours,” says I. “You ain’t got no sense, Magpie. There’s +just as much difference between brains and sense as there is between +generosity and insanity. You think you got any real brains, Magpie? +You’re wrong if yuh do.” + +“Well,” says he, twisting his long mustache, “I sure handled uh delicate +situation in uh way that would appear that I got uh little gray matter +under my hat.” + +“Did you give them that bunch uh nuggets?” I yelps, when I sees that +empty pan on the table. “My ——! Magpie, you didn’t—” + +“I did,” says he. “Freedom from worry is worth it, Ike. We’ll get uh lot +more.” + +“Well, of all the easily bled, insane—say, Magpie, how much did yuh get +for them burros and grub?” + +“I threw that in, Ike.” + + * * * * * + +I don’t say uh word for some time. I’m all choked up with emotion over +it. I tell yuh it’s great to have uh pardner who has uh heart like that. +Think of the things uh man like that can do for yuh—and to yuh. After uh +while I picks my old war-sack from behind my bunk, and begins to stuff +it with old socks and so forth. And all this time I’m counting: +“eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety——” + +“You got that many pairs uh socks?” asks Magpie, and I realizes that I +been counting out loud. + +So as not to make any mistake, I starts in at fifty again. I don’t want +to disregard my old paw’s advice, and I sure can feel that gorge rising. + +“What yuh doing now, Ike? Counting thataway.” + +“Counting graybacks, you long, limber-jointed horn-uh-plenty!” I snaps, +and keeps on filling the sack. + +“What yuh aiming to do, Ike?” he asks. + +“Me?” I stops work, and looks him square in the eyes. “Me? I’m going +away—me! I don’t hanker to have riches, Mister Simpkins. I’m an ordinary +old pelican, and I don’t appreciate brains. I’m going to drag the prize +nut out of the first lunatic asylum I comes to. Sabe? What am I going to +do that for? Well, I’m going to form uh pardnership with said nut, go +away out on the desert where there never was nor never will be any gold, +and starve to death with him. He ain’t got no brains, and if I talks +real nice to him he’ll let me die in peace.” + +“Aw, yuh can’t do that, Ike,” he protests. “Don’t get sore at me ’cause +you ain’t got no sabe for finance. You and me is in shape to take out uh +fortune right now. Ike, old-timer, we’ve seen uh lot of ups and downs +together—mostly downs, so let’s stick together and see if they won’t be +all ups now.” + +“Like uh little balloon, Magpie,” says I. “Just like uh balloon. + +“After we gets up just so high you has to puncture the bag with your +generosity and—brains, and down we comes. You sure are one cheerful +little giver. Give ’em all the gold we got, give ’em mules to carry it +away with and grub to eat on the way. Why, Magpie, you ain’t even honest +in your gifts. It was plain bribery.” + +“You don’t need to yell it from the tops,” he reminds me. “You’re part +owner—remember that, Ike? I’m going down to see that they gets away in +good shape.” + +After he’s gone uh while, somebody knocks on the door. I walks over and +admits Swede. He looks as solemn as an undertaker and wads up his dirty +hat in his hands. + +“Aye yust come up to tell you maybe dot paystreak ain’t bane vid us no +more,” he states. + +“What?” I yelps. “What did you say?” + +“Val, aye ain’t sure. You see, ve strip oll dot bed-rock above und below +where ve get der rich streak, but she don’t go much better as two-bits +uh pan. Aye tank maybe she’s uh pocket. But den of course ve maybe find +anodder pocket—maybe.” + +“Yes, in your pants!” I yowls. “Do you mean to tell me that the +paystreak is only twenty feet long?” + +“Yust fine color above und below. Maybe if ve cut furder up——” + +“My ——!” says I. “The balloon is leaking already.” + +I sets there on uh box and tries to remember how it feels to be broke +again, when I happens to see the end of uh valise under my bunk. + +“Well,” says I to myself. “I wonder if them supervisors is forgetting +their property?” + +I hauls out the two valises, and looks out the window. Them two hombres +are each on a burro, and they got the other two plumb loaded down with +stuff that cost us five cents uh pound to get hauled in. + +I grabs them valises and pilgrims right down toward them two departing +pirates. Magpie sees me coming and meets me half way. + +“Where yuh going, Ike?” he asks, but I don’t heed him none, and goes +straight for the supervisors. + +“Hey! Ike,” yells Magpie, from my rear. “Take them valises back to the +shack. They’re going to leave ’em with us until they returns. Sabe?” + +“I will like ——!” I yells. “Since when did the Golden Hunch turn into uh +storage warehouse? There ain’t going to be no reason for them two to +ever come back here, Magpie.” + +“Have uh little sense, Ike,” wails Magpie, in my ear. “Don’t do or say +anything to disturb the serenity of their departure.” + +He grabs me by the arm and swings me around. + +“_Bing!_” + +I hits him square in the head with uh valise, as I pivots on one heel, +and I puts uh lot uh animation in the punch. I hears one of them +supervisors yip as I enters their midst over Magpie’s recumbent form, +and then I’m among them. + +The tall one makes uh swipe at me with the rope, as his burro crow-hops +past me, but he misses and I comes up with uh pickhandle in my paws. Uh +burro ain’t exactly what you’d designate as uh getaway animile, being of +an inquiring disposition, and this one is no exception. It whirls after +uh couple uh bucks and comes right back past me. + +I don’t propose to be the pivot to no merry-go-round, so I simply sticks +that pick-handle between its front legs as it goes past, and that tall +supervisor skates off down the hard trail on his face, with the burro +setting on his legs. + +The other supervisor is having one hy-iu time trying to get his beast uh +burden into uh lope, so I gallops right along in his wake, and catches +him inside two hundred yards. I gets that burro by the tail long enough +to slam it in the ribs a couple uh times with that pick-handle, and then +I embraces uh tree to keep from going on down hill. + +Yuh can’t fool uh burro. That dun-colored, overgrown jack-rabbit knowed +just exactly what I wanted done, and went right ahead and did it. The +trail ain’t wide enough for classy work, so it leaves the trail and +carves uh future for itself right down through the brush and over +slide-rock. + +That supervisor rode well, I’ll say that much for him, but flesh and +blood can only stand so much. As they fades out of the picture, I sees +the supervisor’s heels go up and forward and there comes daylight +between man and beast. I removes my hat and orates to whom it may +concern— + +“Well done thou good and faithful jackass.” + +I’m feeling vivacious and whistles like uh medder lark as I pilgrims +back toward the bunk-house, and meets some more of the parade. + +Here comes the tall feller, walking like uh man in uh dream. He’s got +his arm twined lovingly around the neck of one uh them pack-burros, and +the other is poking along in the rear, and here they comes, man weaving +and burros wondering. + +I passes the time uh day with them all, but the burros seems to be the +only ones to pay any attention. I steps up on the uphill side and walks +along with ’em for uh few steps, but that tall hombre don’t seem to even +see me. + +I reckon that when the burro turns up flip-flop that supervisor must uh +sprained his whole system from his heels to his hair, ’cause he walks +like uh man in uh dream. He don’t even bat an eye when I speaks—just +walks along with them burros, like uh toy what has been wound up and has +got to run down. + +“Well,” says I out loud, “Far be it from Ike Harper to interrupt uh +loving scene like that, but—” + +So I takes my pocket-knife out and cuts swing-rope and cinch, and they +pilgrims right along down the trail minus the packs. The supervisor +didn’t seem to mind and I know the other two jacks didn’t. + +I watches ’em off down to the bottom of the trail, and then I pilgrims +on up to the bunk-house, where I finds Magpie setting on the ground with +one foot inside uh valise, and uh mad look on his face. + +“Now look what you’ve done!” he wails. “Dog-gone, I’ll bet you’ve hurt +their feelings again, Ike Harper. You ain’t got uh trace uh finess in +your system.” + +“Finess?” + +“Yes, finess!” he snaps. “If you had any brains you’d know what that +means.” + +“If I had any brains I wouldn’t be your pardner,” I retorts. “You’ve +give away about all the money we got and Swede just informs me that our +paystreak was only uh pocket.” + +He looks at me, with his mouth working like uh fish out uh water. + +“My ——!” he howls. “We ain’t got nothing left.” + +“Nothing,” I agrees. “Not even our honor.” + +Just then Swede comes around the corner. + +“Hey! Mister Simpkins. Two yentlemen comes to see you. Aye’ll bring dem +up.” + +“Who are they, Swede?” I asks, thinking maybe them two is back. + +“Val, von is de sheriff, and aye ain’t sure about de odder. Aye tank he +bane forest ranger.” + +Magpie and me looks at each other, sort uh sad like. I feels like the +feller did who fought fire for an hour to keep from burning to death, +and then got drowned when his hose busted. + +“What will we do?” wails Magpie. + +“Finess,” says I. “Give ’em the mill.” + + * * * * * + +Around the corner comes two men, and me and Magpie shrinks like uh +woolen sock in boiling water. + +“Howdy,” says the tall, hairy one. “Are you the owner uh this property?” + +Magpie swallers hard and looks at me, but I says: + +“He is. I’m just uh hired hindrance.” + +Magpie looks at me, with his mouth open like uh winded duck, and his +Adam’s apple hops up and down his long neck. + +“I’m Bill Blewett, sheriff uh this here county,” states the person who +opened the conversation. “This here gent with me is Mister Walden, the +forest ranger. We’re looking for information. Sabe?” + +“Yes’m,” says I. “That’s about all that’s left. How’ll yuh have it?” + +“I’m looking for uh tall hombre, dark complected, and his pardner, who +is short and uh bit gray on the hair. Couple uh tin-horns. Sabe? +Specialize on cleaning up camps after payday. Got uh little roulette +wheel. + +“The tall one got previous with uh gun down at Devil’s Turn, and we +wants to ask him uh few questions. Just dropped in, thinking they might +uh stopped, being as your payday is about due.” + +“You’re uh forest ranger?” I asks, looking at the sheriff’s companion, +and he nods. + +“Uh-huh,” says he. “I just rode in with the sheriff. Uh course this +ain’t reserve land, but I likes to keep posted on mining operations this +near my district.” + +“You ever have visits from supervisors?” I asks, offhand like. + +“Sure. Two of ’em visited me this week. Left yesterday.” + +They thanks us and rides away. + +“Magpie,” says I. “It’s uh wonder you wouldn’t stand up when yuh +receives company.” + +“I—I—I know it ain’t dignified, Ike, but every time I moves it hurts me +like blazes.” + +He struggles to uh standing position, and something unhooks from the +seat of his pants and spins on the ground. + +“Roulette wheel!” he yelps. “Baby roulette wheel, and I impales my +carcass on the spindle—dang it!” He takes it and throws it as far as he +can. + +“All is lost!” he wails, rubbing his rear exposure. “They comes as +strangers——” + +“And they took you in, Magpie,” I finishes. “If I’d uh had any brains +and them burros had any sense we’d uh been broke. Down the trail uh ways +you’ll find them two packs with our money in ’em. Sabe? The money you +been trying to give away. Next time you wants to impersonate uh wise man +bringing gifts try and get the right address. Sabe? You tries to plate +uh couple uh tin-horns with gold, and it fills you with wonderment to +think they didn’t look uh gift jackass in the face, you long-nosed, +animated Christmas tree—you!” + +“My soul wallers in the depths uh remorse, Ike,” he sobs. “It’s uh good +thing that we wasn’t both born with brains. I was wise, but——” + +“Ike Harper was uh danged fool,” I finishes for him again. “Uh danged +fool and his money is sometimes hard to part, Magpie. Them four burros +didn’t—say, Magpie, it was uh case uh three of uh kind trying to beat +four jacks and the joker.” + +“Five jacks, Ike,” corrects Magpie. “The joker was wild.” + +All of which shows—well, why preach? + + +[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in Adventure Magazine, +March 18, 1918. It is believed to be in the public domain in the +United States; copyright status may differ in other countries.] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 79247 *** |