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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: Holiday Romance
+       In Four Parts
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+Release Date: February 7, 1997 [eBook #809]
+[Most recently updated: June 8, 2021]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: David Price
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLIDAY ROMANCE ***
+
+
+
+
+                             HOLIDAY ROMANCE
+                              In Four Parts
+
+
+PART I.
+INTRODUCTORY ROMANCE PROM THE PEN OF WILLIAM TINKLING, ESQ. {251}
+
+
+THIS beginning-part is not made out of anybody’s head, you know.  It’s
+real.  You must believe this beginning-part more than what comes after,
+else you won’t understand how what comes after came to be written.  You
+must believe it all; but you must believe this most, please.  I am the
+editor of it.  Bob Redforth (he’s my cousin, and shaking the table on
+purpose) wanted to be the editor of it; but I said he shouldn’t because
+he couldn’t.  _He_ has no idea of being an editor.
+
+Nettie Ashford is my bride.  We were married in the right-hand closet in
+the corner of the dancing-school, where first we met, with a ring (a
+green one) from Wilkingwater’s toy-shop.  _I_ owed for it out of my
+pocket-money.  When the rapturous ceremony was over, we all four went up
+the lane and let off a cannon (brought loaded in Bob Redforth’s
+waistcoat-pocket) to announce our nuptials.  It flew right up when it
+went off, and turned over.  Next day, Lieut.-Col. Robin Redforth was
+united, with similar ceremonies, to Alice Rainbird.  This time the cannon
+burst with a most terrific explosion, and made a puppy bark.
+
+My peerless bride was, at the period of which we now treat, in captivity
+at Miss Grimmer’s.  Drowvey and Grimmer is the partnership, and opinion
+is divided which is the greatest beast.  The lovely bride of the colonel
+was also immured in the dungeons of the same establishment.  A vow was
+entered into, between the colonel and myself, that we would cut them out
+on the following Wednesday when walking two and two.
+
+Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active brain of the
+colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is a pirate), suggested
+an attack with fireworks.  This, however, from motives of humanity, was
+abandoned as too expensive.
+
+Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his jacket, and waving
+the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, the colonel took command of
+me at two P.M. on the eventful and appointed day.  He had drawn out the
+plan of attack on a piece of paper, which was rolled up round a
+hoop-stick.  He showed it to me.  My position and my full-length portrait
+(but my real ears don’t stick out horizontal) was behind a corner
+lamp-post, with written orders to remain there till I should see Miss
+Drowvey fall.  The Drowvey who was to fall was the one in spectacles, not
+the one with the large lavender bonnet.  At that signal I was to rush
+forth, seize my bride, and fight my way to the lane.  There a junction
+would be effected between myself and the colonel; and putting our brides
+behind us, between ourselves and the palings, we were to conquer or die.
+
+The enemy appeared,—approached.  Waving his black flag, the colonel
+attacked.  Confusion ensued.  Anxiously I awaited my signal; but my
+signal came not.  So far from falling, the hated Drowvey in spectacles
+appeared to me to have muffled the colonel’s head in his outlawed banner,
+and to be pitching into him with a parasol.  The one in the lavender
+bonnet also performed prodigies of valour with her fists on his back.
+Seeing that all was for the moment lost, I fought my desperate way hand
+to hand to the lane.  Through taking the back road, I was so fortunate as
+to meet nobody, and arrived there uninterrupted.
+
+It seemed an age ere the colonel joined me.  He had been to the jobbing
+tailor’s to be sewn up in several places, and attributed our defeat to
+the refusal of the detested Drowvey to fall.  Finding her so obstinate,
+he had said to her, ‘Die, recreant!’ but had found her no more open to
+reason on that point than the other.
+
+My blooming bride appeared, accompanied by the colonel’s bride, at the
+dancing-school next day.  What?  Was her face averted from me?  Hah?
+Even so.  With a look of scorn, she put into my hand a bit of paper, and
+took another partner.  On the paper was pencilled, ‘Heavens!  Can I write
+the word?  Is my husband a cow?’
+
+In the first bewilderment of my heated brain, I tried to think what
+slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble animal mentioned
+above.  Vain were my endeavours.  At the end of that dance I whispered
+the colonel to come into the cloak-room, and I showed him the note.
+
+‘There is a syllable wanting,’ said he, with a gloomy brow.
+
+‘Hah!  What syllable?’ was my inquiry.
+
+‘She asks, can she write the word?  And no; you see she couldn’t,’ said
+the colonel, pointing out the passage.
+
+‘And the word was?’ said I.
+
+‘Cow—cow—coward,’ hissed the pirate-colonel in my ear, and gave me back
+the note.
+
+Feeling that I must for ever tread the earth a branded boy,—person I
+mean,—or that I must clear up my honour, I demanded to be tried by a
+court-martial.  The colonel admitted my right to be tried.  Some
+difficulty was found in composing the court, on account of the Emperor of
+France’s aunt refusing to let him come out.  He was to be the president.
+Ere yet we had appointed a substitute, he made his escape over the
+back-wall, and stood among us, a free monarch.
+
+The court was held on the grass by the pond.  I recognised, in a certain
+admiral among my judges, my deadliest foe.  A cocoa-nut had given rise to
+language that I could not brook; but confiding in my innocence, and also
+in the knowledge that the President of the United States (who sat next
+him) owed me a knife, I braced myself for the ordeal.
+
+It was a solemn spectacle, that court.  Two executioners with pinafores
+reversed led me in.  Under the shade of an umbrella I perceived my bride,
+supported by the bride of the pirate-colonel.  The president, having
+reproved a little female ensign for tittering, on a matter of life or
+death, called upon me to plead, ‘Coward or no coward, guilty or not
+guilty?’  I pleaded in a firm tone, ‘No coward and not guilty.’  (The
+little female ensign being again reproved by the president for
+misconduct, mutinied, left the court, and threw stones.)
+
+My implacable enemy, the admiral, conducted the case against me.  The
+colonel’s bride was called to prove that I had remained behind the corner
+lamp-post during the engagement.  I might have been spared the anguish of
+my own bride’s being also made a witness to the same point, but the
+admiral knew where to wound me.  Be still, my soul, no matter.  The
+colonel was then brought forward with his evidence.
+
+It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the turning-point of
+my case.  Shaking myself free of my guards,—who had no business to hold
+me, the stupids, unless I was found guilty,—I asked the colonel what he
+considered the first duty of a soldier?  Ere he could reply, the
+President of the United States rose and informed the court, that my foe,
+the admiral, had suggested ‘Bravery,’ and that prompting a witness wasn’t
+fair.  The president of the court immediately ordered the admiral’s mouth
+to be filled with leaves, and tied up with string.  I had the
+satisfaction of seeing the sentence carried into effect before the
+proceedings went further.
+
+I then took a paper from my trousers-pocket, and asked, ‘What do you
+consider, Col.  Redford, the first duty of a soldier?  Is it obedience?’
+
+‘It is,’ said the colonel.
+
+‘Is that paper—please to look at it—in your hand?’
+
+‘It is,’ said the colonel.
+
+‘Is it a military sketch?’
+
+‘It is,’ said the colonel.
+
+‘Of an engagement?’
+
+‘Quite so,’ said the colonel.
+
+‘Of the late engagement?’
+
+‘Of the late engagement.’
+
+‘Please to describe it, and then hand it to the president of the court.’
+
+From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dangers were at an end.
+The court rose up and jumped, on discovering that I had strictly obeyed
+orders.  My foe, the admiral, who though muzzled was malignant yet,
+contrived to suggest that I was dishonoured by having quitted the field.
+But the colonel himself had done as much, and gave his opinion, upon his
+word and honour as a pirate, that when all was lost the field might be
+quitted without disgrace.  I was going to be found ‘No coward and not
+guilty,’ and my blooming bride was going to be publicly restored to my
+arms in a procession, when an unlooked-for event disturbed the general
+rejoicing.  This was no other than the Emperor of France’s aunt catching
+hold of his hair.  The proceedings abruptly terminated, and the court
+tumultuously dissolved.
+
+It was when the shades of the next evening but one were beginning to
+fall, ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the earth, that four forms
+might have been descried slowly advancing towards the weeping willow on
+the borders of the pond, the now deserted scene of the day before
+yesterday’s agonies and triumphs.  On a nearer approach, and by a
+practised eye, these might have been identified as the forms of the
+pirate-colonel with his bride, and of the day before yesterday’s gallant
+prisoner with his bride.
+
+On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs dejection sat enthroned.  All four
+reclined under the willow for some minutes without speaking, till at
+length the bride of the colonel poutingly observed, ‘It’s of no use
+pretending any more, and we had better give it up.’
+
+‘Hah!’ exclaimed the pirate.  ‘Pretending?’
+
+‘Don’t go on like that; you worry me,’ returned his bride.
+
+The lovely bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible declaration.  The two
+warriors exchanged stony glances.
+
+‘If,’ said the bride of the pirate-colonel, ‘grown-up people WON’T do
+what they ought to do, and WILL put us out, what comes of our
+pretending?’
+
+‘We only get into scrapes,’ said the bride of Tinkling.
+
+‘You know very well,’ pursued the colonel’s bride, ‘that Miss Drowvey
+wouldn’t fall.  You complained of it yourself.  And you know how
+disgracefully the court-martial ended.  As to our marriage; would my
+people acknowledge it at home?’
+
+‘Or would my people acknowledge ours?’ said the bride of Tinkling.
+
+Again the two warriors exchanged stony glances.
+
+‘If you knocked at the door and claimed me, after you were told to go
+away,’ said the colonel’s bride, ‘you would only have your hair pulled,
+or your ears, or your nose.’
+
+‘If you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming me,’ said the bride
+of Tinkling to that gentleman, ‘you would have things dropped on your
+head from the window over the handle, or you would be played upon by the
+garden-engine.’
+
+‘And at your own homes,’ resumed the bride of the colonel, ‘it would be
+just as bad.  You would be sent to bed, or something equally undignified.
+Again, how would you support us?’
+
+The pirate-colonel replied in a courageous voice, ‘By rapine!’  But his
+bride retorted, ‘Suppose the grown-up people wouldn’t be rapined?’
+‘Then,’ said the colonel, ‘they should pay the penalty in blood.’—‘But
+suppose they should object,’ retorted his bride, ‘and wouldn’t pay the
+penalty in blood or anything else?’
+
+A mournful silence ensued.
+
+‘Then do you no longer love me, Alice?’ asked the colonel.
+
+‘Redforth!  I am ever thine,’ returned his bride.
+
+‘Then do you no longer love me, Nettie?’ asked the present writer.
+
+‘Tinkling!  I am ever thine,’ returned my bride.
+
+We all four embraced.  Let me not be misunderstood by the giddy.  The
+colonel embraced his own bride, and I embraced mine.  But two times two
+make four.
+
+‘Nettie and I,’ said Alice mournfully, ‘have been considering our
+position.  The grown-up people are too strong for us.  They make us
+ridiculous.  Besides, they have changed the times.  William Tinkling’s
+baby brother was christened yesterday.  What took place?  Was any king
+present?  Answer, William.’
+
+I said No, unless disguised as Great-uncle Chopper.
+
+‘Any queen?’
+
+There had been no queen that I knew of at our house.  There might have
+been one in the kitchen: but I didn’t think so, or the servants would
+have mentioned it.
+
+‘Any fairies?’
+
+None that were visible.
+
+‘We had an idea among us, I think,’ said Alice, with a melancholy smile,
+‘we four, that Miss Grimmer would prove to be the wicked fairy, and would
+come in at the christening with her crutch-stick, and give the child a
+bad gift.  Was there anything of that sort?  Answer, William.’
+
+I said that ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that Great-uncle
+Chopper’s gift was a shabby one; but she hadn’t said a bad one.  She had
+called it shabby, electrotyped, second-hand, and below his income.
+
+‘It must be the grown-up people who have changed all this,’ said Alice.
+‘_We_ couldn’t have changed it, if we had been so inclined, and we never
+should have been.  Or perhaps Miss Grimmer _is_ a wicked fairy after all,
+and won’t act up to it because the grown-up people have persuaded her not
+to.  Either way, they would make us ridiculous if we told them what we
+expected.’
+
+‘Tyrants!’ muttered the pirate-colonel.
+
+‘Nay, my Redforth,’ said Alice, ‘say not so.  Call not names, my
+Redforth, or they will apply to pa.’
+
+‘Let ’em,’ said the colonel.  ‘I do not care.  Who’s he?’
+
+Tinkling here undertook the perilous task of remonstrating with his
+lawless friend, who consented to withdraw the moody expressions above
+quoted.
+
+‘What remains for us to do?’ Alice went on in her mild, wise way.  ‘We
+must educate, we must pretend in a new manner, we must wait.’
+
+The colonel clenched his teeth,—four out in front, and a piece of
+another, and he had been twice dragged to the door of a dentist-despot,
+but had escaped from his guards.  ‘How educate?  How pretend in a new
+manner?  How wait?’
+
+‘Educate the grown-up people,’ replied Alice.  ‘We part to-night.  Yes,
+Redforth,’—for the colonel tucked up his cuffs,—‘part to-night!  Let us
+in these next holidays, now going to begin, throw our thoughts into
+something educational for the grown-up people, hinting to them how things
+ought to be.  Let us veil our meaning under a mask of romance; you, I,
+and Nettie.  William Tinkling being the plainest and quickest writer,
+shall copy out.  Is it agreed?’
+
+The colonel answered sulkily, ‘I don’t mind.’  He then asked, ‘How about
+pretending?’
+
+‘We will pretend,’ said Alice, ‘that we are children; not that we are
+those grown-up people who won’t help us out as they ought, and who
+understand us so badly.’
+
+The colonel, still much dissatisfied, growled, ‘How about waiting?’
+
+‘We will wait,’ answered little Alice, taking Nettie’s hand in hers, and
+looking up to the sky, ‘we will wait—ever constant and true—till the
+times have got so changed as that everything helps us out, and nothing
+makes us ridiculous, and the fairies have come back.  We will wait—ever
+constant and true—till we are eighty, ninety, or one hundred.  And then
+the fairies will send _us_ children, and we will help them out, poor
+pretty little creatures, if they pretend ever so much.’
+
+‘So we will, dear,’ said Nettie Ashford, taking her round the waist with
+both arms and kissing her.  ‘And now if my husband will go and buy some
+cherries for us, I have got some money.’
+
+In the friendliest manner I invited the colonel to go with me; but he so
+far forgot himself as to acknowledge the invitation by kicking out
+behind, and then lying down on his stomach on the grass, pulling it up
+and chewing it.  When I came back, however, Alice had nearly brought him
+out of his vexation, and was soothing him by telling him how soon we
+should all be ninety.
+
+As we sat under the willow-tree and ate the cherries (fair, for Alice
+shared them out), we played at being ninety.  Nettie complained that she
+had a bone in her old back, and it made her hobble; and Alice sang a song
+in an old woman’s way, but it was very pretty, and we were all merry.  At
+least, I don’t know about merry exactly, but all comfortable.
+
+There was a most tremendous lot of cherries; and Alice always had with
+her some neat little bag or box or case, to hold things.  In it that
+night was a tiny wine-glass.  So Alice and Nettie said they would make
+some cherry-wine to drink our love at parting.
+
+Each of us had a glassful, and it was delicious; and each of us drank the
+toast, ‘Our love at parting.’  The colonel drank his wine last; and it
+got into my head directly that it got into his directly.  Anyhow, his
+eyes rolled immediately after he had turned the glass upside down; and he
+took me on one side and proposed in a hoarse whisper, that we should ‘Cut
+‘em out still.’
+
+‘How did he mean?’ I asked my lawless friend.
+
+‘Cut our brides out,’ said the colonel, ‘and then cut our way, without
+going down a single turning, bang to the Spanish main!’
+
+We might have tried it, though I didn’t think it would answer; only we
+looked round and saw that there was nothing but moon-light under the
+willow-tree, and that our pretty, pretty wives were gone.  We burst out
+crying.  The colonel gave in second, and came to first; but he gave in
+strong.
+
+We were ashamed of our red eyes, and hung about for half-an-hour to
+whiten them.  Likewise a piece of chalk round the rims, I doing the
+colonel’s, and he mine, but afterwards found in the bedroom looking-glass
+not natural, besides inflammation.  Our conversation turned on being
+ninety.  The colonel told me he had a pair of boots that wanted soling
+and heeling; but he thought it hardly worth while to mention it to his
+father, as he himself should so soon be ninety, when he thought shoes
+would be more convenient.  The colonel also told me, with his hand upon
+his hip, that he felt himself already getting on in life, and turning
+rheumatic.  And I told him the same.  And when they said at our house at
+supper (they are always bothering about something) that I stooped, I felt
+so glad!
+
+This is the end of the beginning-part that you were to believe most.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+ROMANCE.  FROM THE PEN OF MISS ALICE RAINBIRD {258}
+
+
+THERE was once a king, and he had a queen; and he was the manliest of his
+sex, and she was the loveliest of hers.  The king was, in his private
+profession, under government.  The queen’s father had been a medical man
+out of town.
+
+They had nineteen children, and were always having more.  Seventeen of
+these children took care of the baby; and Alicia, the eldest, took care
+of them all.  Their ages varied from seven years to seven months.
+
+Let us now resume our story.
+
+One day the king was going to the office, when he stopped at the
+fishmonger’s to buy a pound and a half of salmon not too near the tail,
+which the queen (who was a careful housekeeper) had requested him to send
+home.  Mr. Pickles, the fishmonger, said, ‘Certainly, sir; is there any
+other article?  Good-morning.’
+
+The king went on towards the office in a melancholy mood; for quarter-day
+was such a long way off, and several of the dear children were growing
+out of their clothes.  He had not proceeded far, when Mr. Pickles’s
+errand-boy came running after him, and said, ‘Sir, you didn’t notice the
+old lady in our shop.’
+
+‘What old lady?’ inquired the king.  ‘I saw none.’
+
+Now the king had not seen any old lady, because this old lady had been
+invisible to him, though visible to Mr. Pickles’s boy.  Probably because
+he messed and splashed the water about to that degree, and flopped the
+pairs of soles down in that violent manner, that, if she had not been
+visible to him, he would have spoilt her clothes.
+
+Just then the old lady came trotting up.  She was dressed in shot-silk of
+the richest quality, smelling of dried lavender.
+
+‘King Watkins the First, I believe?’ said the old lady.
+
+‘Watkins,’ replied the king, ‘is my name.’
+
+‘Papa, if I am not mistaken, of the beautiful Princess Alicia?’ said the
+old lady.
+
+‘And of eighteen other darlings,’ replied the king.
+
+‘Listen.  You are going to the office,’ said the old lady.
+
+It instantly flashed upon the king that she must be a fairy, or how could
+she know that?
+
+‘You are right,’ said the old lady, answering his thoughts.  ‘I am the
+good Fairy Grandmarina.  Attend!  When you return home to dinner,
+politely invite the Princess Alicia to have some of the salmon you bought
+just now.’
+
+‘It may disagree with her,’ said the king.
+
+The old lady became so very angry at this absurd idea, that the king was
+quite alarmed, and humbly begged her pardon.
+
+‘We hear a great deal too much about this thing disagreeing, and that
+thing disagreeing,’ said the old lady, with the greatest contempt it was
+possible to express.  ‘Don’t be greedy.  I think you want it all
+yourself.’
+
+The king hung his head under this reproof, and said he wouldn’t talk
+about things disagreeing any more.
+
+‘Be good, then,’ said the Fairy Grandmarina, ‘and don’t.  When the
+beautiful Princess Alicia consents to partake of the salmon,—as I think
+she will,—you will find she will leave a fish-bone on her plate.  Tell
+her to dry it, and to rub it, and to polish it till it shines like
+mother-of-pearl, and to take care of it as a present from me.’
+
+‘Is that all?’ asked the king.
+
+‘Don’t be impatient, sir,’ returned the Fairy Grandmarina, scolding him
+severely.  ‘Don’t catch people short, before they have done speaking.
+Just the way with you grown-up persons.  You are always doing it.’
+
+The king again hung his head, and said he wouldn’t do so any more.
+
+‘Be good, then,’ said the Fairy Grandmarina, ‘and don’t!  Tell the
+Princess Alicia, with my love, that the fish-bone is a magic present
+which can only be used once; but that it will bring her, that once,
+whatever she wishes for, PROVIDED SHE WISHES FOR IT AT THE RIGHT TIME.
+That is the message.  Take care of it.’
+
+The king was beginning, ‘Might I ask the reason?’ when the fairy became
+absolutely furious.
+
+‘_Will_ you be good, sir?’ she exclaimed, stamping her foot on the
+ground.  ‘The reason for this, and the reason for that, indeed!  You are
+always wanting the reason.  No reason.  There!  Hoity toity me!  I am
+sick of your grown-up reasons.’
+
+The king was extremely frightened by the old lady’s flying into such a
+passion, and said he was very sorry to have offended her, and he wouldn’t
+ask for reasons any more.
+
+‘Be good, then,’ said the old lady, ‘and don’t!’
+
+With those words, Grandmarina vanished, and the king went on and on and
+on, till he came to the office.  There he wrote and wrote and wrote, till
+it was time to go home again.  Then he politely invited the Princess
+Alicia, as the fairy had directed him, to partake of the salmon.  And
+when she had enjoyed it very much, he saw the fish-bone on her plate, as
+the fairy had told him he would, and he delivered the fairy’s message,
+and the Princess Alicia took care to dry the bone, and to rub it, and to
+polish it, till it shone like mother-of-pearl.
+
+And so, when the queen was going to get up in the morning, she said, ‘O,
+dear me, dear me; my head, my head!’ and then she fainted away.
+
+The Princess Alicia, who happened to be looking in at the chamber-door,
+asking about breakfast, was very much alarmed when she saw her royal
+mamma in this state, and she rang the bell for Peggy, which was the name
+of the lord chamberlain.  But remembering where the smelling-bottle was,
+she climbed on a chair and got it; and after that she climbed on another
+chair by the bedside, and held the smelling-bottle to the queen’s nose;
+and after that she jumped down and got some water; and after that she
+jumped up again and wetted the queen’s forehead; and, in short, when the
+lord chamberlain came in, that dear old woman said to the little
+princess, ‘What a trot you are!  I couldn’t have done it better myself!’
+
+But that was not the worst of the good queen’s illness.  O, no!  She was
+very ill indeed, for a long time.  The Princess Alicia kept the seventeen
+young princes and princesses quiet, and dressed and undressed and danced
+the baby, and made the kettle boil, and heated the soup, and swept the
+hearth, and poured out the medicine, and nursed the queen, and did all
+that ever she could, and was as busy, busy, busy as busy could be; for
+there were not many servants at that palace for three reasons: because
+the king was short of money, because a rise in his office never seemed to
+come, and because quarter-day was so far off that it looked almost as far
+off and as little as one of the stars.
+
+But on the morning when the queen fainted away, where was the magic
+fish-bone?  Why, there it was in the Princess Alicia’s pocket!  She had
+almost taken it out to bring the queen to life again, when she put it
+back, and looked for the smelling-bottle.
+
+After the queen had come out of her swoon that morning, and was dozing,
+the Princess Alicia hurried up-stairs to tell a most particular secret to
+a most particularly confidential friend of hers, who was a duchess.
+People did suppose her to be a doll; but she was really a duchess, though
+nobody knew it except the princess.
+
+This most particular secret was the secret about the magic fish-bone, the
+history of which was well known to the duchess, because the princess told
+her everything.  The princess kneeled down by the bed on which the
+duchess was lying, full-dressed and wide awake, and whispered the secret
+to her.  The duchess smiled and nodded.  People might have supposed that
+she never smiled and nodded; but she often did, though nobody knew it
+except the princess.
+
+Then the Princess Alicia hurried down-stairs again, to keep watch in the
+queen’s room.  She often kept watch by herself in the queen’s room; but
+every evening, while the illness lasted, she sat there watching with the
+king.  And every evening the king sat looking at her with a cross look,
+wondering why she never brought out the magic fish-bone.  As often as she
+noticed this, she ran up-stairs, whispered the secret to the duchess over
+again, and said to the duchess besides, ‘They think we children never
+have a reason or a meaning!’  And the duchess, though the most
+fashionable duchess that ever was heard of, winked her eye.
+
+‘Alicia,’ said the king, one evening, when she wished him good-night.
+
+‘Yes, papa.’
+
+‘What is become of the magic fish-bone?’
+
+‘In my pocket, papa!’
+
+‘I thought you had lost it?’
+
+‘O, no, papa!’
+
+‘Or forgotten it?’
+
+‘No, indeed, papa.’
+
+And so another time the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, next door, made
+a rush at one of the young princes as he stood on the steps coming home
+from school, and terrified him out of his wits; and he put his hand
+through a pane of glass, and bled, bled, bled.  When the seventeen other
+young princes and princesses saw him bleed, bleed, bleed, they were
+terrified out of their wits too, and screamed themselves black in their
+seventeen faces all at once.  But the Princess Alicia put her hands over
+all their seventeen mouths, one after another, and persuaded them to be
+quiet because of the sick queen.  And then she put the wounded prince’s
+hand in a basin of fresh cold water, while they stared with their twice
+seventeen are thirty-four, put down four and carry three, eyes, and then
+she looked in the hand for bits of glass, and there were fortunately no
+bits of glass there.  And then she said to two chubby-legged princes, who
+were sturdy though small, ‘Bring me in the royal rag-bag: I must snip and
+stitch and cut and contrive.’  So these two young princes tugged at the
+royal rag-bag, and lugged it in; and the Princess Alicia sat down on the
+floor, with a large pair of scissors and a needle and thread, and snipped
+and stitched and cut and contrived, and made a bandage, and put it on,
+and it fitted beautifully; and so when it was all done, she saw the king
+her papa looking on by the door.
+
+‘Alicia.’
+
+‘Yes, papa.’
+
+‘What have you been doing?’
+
+‘Snipping, stitching, cutting, and contriving, papa.’
+
+‘Where is the magic fish-bone?’
+
+‘In my pocket, papa.’
+
+‘I thought you had lost it?’
+
+‘O, no, papa.’
+
+‘Or forgotten it?’
+
+‘No, indeed, papa.’
+
+After that, she ran up-stairs to the duchess, and told her what had
+passed, and told her the secret over again; and the duchess shook her
+flaxen curls, and laughed with her rosy lips.
+
+Well! and so another time the baby fell under the grate.  The seventeen
+young princes and princesses were used to it; for they were almost always
+falling under the grate or down the stairs; but the baby was not used to
+it yet, and it gave him a swelled face and a black eye.  The way the poor
+little darling came to tumble was, that he was out of the Princess
+Alicia’s lap just as she was sitting, in a great coarse apron that quite
+smothered her, in front of the kitchen-fire, beginning to peel the
+turnips for the broth for dinner; and the way she came to be doing that
+was, that the king’s cook had run away that morning with her own true
+love, who was a very tall but very tipsy soldier.  Then the seventeen
+young princes and princesses, who cried at everything that happened,
+cried and roared.  But the Princess Alicia (who couldn’t help crying a
+little herself) quietly called to them to be still, on account of not
+throwing back the queen up-stairs, who was fast getting well, and said,
+‘Hold your tongues, you wicked little monkeys, every one of you, while I
+examine baby!’  Then she examined baby, and found that he hadn’t broken
+anything; and she held cold iron to his poor dear eye, and smoothed his
+poor dear face, and he presently fell asleep in her arms.  Then she said
+to the seventeen princes and princesses, ‘I am afraid to let him down
+yet, lest he should wake and feel pain; be good, and you shall all be
+cooks.’  They jumped for joy when they heard that, and began making
+themselves cooks’ caps out of old newspapers.  So to one she gave the
+salt-box, and to one she gave the barley, and to one she gave the herbs,
+and to one she gave the turnips, and to one she gave the carrots, and to
+one she gave the onions, and to one she gave the spice-box, till they
+were all cooks, and all running about at work, she sitting in the middle,
+smothered in the great coarse apron, nursing baby.  By and by the broth
+was done; and the baby woke up, smiling, like an angel, and was trusted
+to the sedatest princess to hold, while the other princes and princesses
+were squeezed into a far-off corner to look at the Princess Alicia
+turning out the saucepanful of broth, for fear (as they were always
+getting into trouble) they should get splashed and scalded.  When the
+broth came tumbling out, steaming beautifully, and smelling like a
+nosegay good to eat, they clapped their hands.  That made the baby clap
+his hands; and that, and his looking as if he had a comic toothache, made
+all the princes and princesses laugh.  So the Princess Alicia said,
+‘Laugh and be good; and after dinner we will make him a nest on the floor
+in a corner, and he shall sit in his nest and see a dance of eighteen
+cooks.’  That delighted the young princes and princesses, and they ate up
+all the broth, and washed up all the plates and dishes, and cleared away,
+and pushed the table into a corner; and then they in their cooks’ caps,
+and the Princess Alicia in the smothering coarse apron that belonged to
+the cook that had run away with her own true love that was the very tall
+but very tipsy soldier, danced a dance of eighteen cooks before the
+angelic baby, who forgot his swelled face and his black eye, and crowed
+with joy.
+
+And so then, once more the Princess Alicia saw King Watkins the First,
+her father, standing in the doorway looking on, and he said, ‘What have
+you been doing, Alicia?’
+
+‘Cooking and contriving, papa.’
+
+‘What else have you been doing, Alicia?’
+
+‘Keeping the children light-hearted, papa.’
+
+‘Where is the magic fish-bone, Alicia?
+
+‘In my pocket, papa.’
+
+‘I thought you had lost it?’
+
+‘O, no, papa!’
+
+‘Or forgotten it?’
+
+‘No, indeed, papa.’
+
+The king then sighed so heavily, and seemed so low-spirited, and sat down
+so miserably, leaning his head upon his hand, and his elbow upon the
+kitchen-table pushed away in the corner, that the seventeen princes and
+princesses crept softly out of the kitchen, and left him alone with the
+Princess Alicia and the angelic baby.
+
+‘What is the matter, papa?’
+
+‘I am dreadfully poor, my child.’
+
+‘Have you no money at all, papa?’
+
+‘None, my child.’
+
+‘Is there no way of getting any, papa?’
+
+‘No way,’ said the king.  ‘I have tried very hard, and I have tried all
+ways.’
+
+When she heard those last words, the Princess Alicia began to put her
+hand into the pocket where she kept the magic fish-bone.
+
+‘Papa,’ said she, ‘when we have tried very hard, and tried all ways, we
+must have done our very, very best?’
+
+‘No doubt, Alicia.’
+
+‘When we have done our very, very best, papa, and that is not enough,
+then I think the right time must have come for asking help of others.’
+This was the very secret connected with the magic fish-bone, which she
+had found out for herself from the good Fairy Grandmarina’s words, and
+which she had so often whispered to her beautiful and fashionable friend,
+the duchess.
+
+So she took out of her pocket the magic fish-bone, that had been dried
+and rubbed and polished till it shone like mother-of-pearl; and she gave
+it one little kiss, and wished it was quarter-day.  And immediately it
+_was_ quarter-day; and the king’s quarter’s salary came rattling down the
+chimney, and bounced into the middle of the floor.
+
+But this was not half of what happened,—no, not a quarter; for
+immediately afterwards the good Fairy Grandmarina came riding in, in a
+carriage and four (peacocks), with Mr. Pickles’s boy up behind, dressed
+in silver and gold, with a cocked-hat, powdered-hair, pink silk
+stockings, a jewelled cane, and a nosegay.  Down jumped Mr. Pickles’s
+boy, with his cocked-hat in his hand, and wonderfully polite (being
+entirely changed by enchantment), and handed Grandmarina out; and there
+she stood, in her rich shot-silk smelling of dried lavender, fanning
+herself with a sparkling fan.
+
+‘Alicia, my dear,’ said this charming old fairy, ‘how do you do?  I hope
+I see you pretty well?  Give me a kiss.’
+
+The Princess Alicia embraced her; and then Grandmarina turned to the
+king, and said rather sharply, ‘Are you good?’  The king said he hoped
+so.
+
+‘I suppose you know the reason _now_, why my god-daughter here,’ kissing
+the princess again, ‘did not apply to the fish-bone sooner?’ said the
+fairy.
+
+The king made a shy bow.
+
+‘Ah! but you didn’t _then_?’ said the fairy.
+
+The king made a shyer bow.
+
+‘Any more reasons to ask for?’ said the fairy.
+
+The king said, No, and he was very sorry.
+
+‘Be good, then,’ said the fairy, ‘and live happy ever afterwards.’
+
+Then Grandmarina waved her fan, and the queen came in most splendidly
+dressed; and the seventeen young princes and princesses, no longer grown
+out of their clothes, came in, newly fitted out from top to toe, with
+tucks in everything to admit of its being let out.  After that, the fairy
+tapped the Princess Alicia with her fan; and the smothering coarse apron
+flew away, and she appeared exquisitely dressed, like a little bride,
+with a wreath of orange-flowers and a silver veil.  After that, the
+kitchen dresser changed of itself into a wardrobe, made of beautiful
+woods and gold and looking glass, which was full of dresses of all sorts,
+all for her and all exactly fitting her.  After that, the angelic baby
+came in, running alone, with his face and eye not a bit the worse, but
+much the better.  Then Grandmarina begged to be introduced to the
+duchess; and, when the duchess was brought down, many compliments passed
+between them.
+
+A little whispering took place between the fairy and the duchess; and
+then the fairy said out loud, ‘Yes, I thought she would have told you.’
+Grandmarina then turned to the king and queen, and said, ‘We are going in
+search of Prince Certainpersonio.  The pleasure of your company is
+requested at church in half an hour precisely.’  So she and the Princess
+Alicia got into the carriage; and Mr. Pickles’s boy handed in the
+duchess, who sat by herself on the opposite seat; and then Mr. Pickles’s
+boy put up the steps and got up behind, and the peacocks flew away with
+their tails behind.
+
+Prince Certainpersonio was sitting by himself, eating barley-sugar, and
+waiting to be ninety.  When he saw the peacocks, followed by the
+carriage, coming in at the window it immediately occurred to him that
+something uncommon was going to happen.
+
+‘Prince,’ said Grandmarina, ‘I bring you your bride.’  The moment the
+fairy said those words, Prince Certainpersonio’s face left off being
+sticky, and his jacket and corduroys changed to peach-bloom velvet, and
+his hair curled, and a cap and feather flew in like a bird and settled on
+his head.  He got into the carriage by the fairy’s invitation; and there
+he renewed his acquaintance with the duchess, whom he had seen before.
+
+In the church were the prince’s relations and friends, and the Princess
+Alicia’s relations and friends, and the seventeen princes and princesses,
+and the baby, and a crowd of the neighbours.  The marriage was beautiful
+beyond expression.  The duchess was bridesmaid, and beheld the ceremony
+from the pulpit, where she was supported by the cushion of the desk.
+
+Grandmarina gave a magnificent wedding-feast afterwards, in which there
+was everything and more to eat, and everything and more to drink.  The
+wedding-cake was delicately ornamented with white satin ribbons, frosted
+silver, and white lilies, and was forty-two yards round.
+
+When Grandmarina had drunk her love to the young couple, and Prince
+Certainpersonio had made a speech, and everybody had cried, Hip, hip,
+hip, hurrah! Grandmarina announced to the king and queen that in future
+there would be eight quarter-days in every year, except in leap-year,
+when there would be ten.  She then turned to Certainpersonio and Alicia,
+and said, ‘My dears, you will have thirty-five children, and they will
+all be good and beautiful.  Seventeen of your children will be boys, and
+eighteen will be girls.  The hair of the whole of your children will curl
+naturally.  They will never have the measles, and will have recovered
+from the whooping-cough before being born.’
+
+On hearing such good news, everybody cried out ‘Hip, hip, hip, hurrah!’
+again.
+
+‘It only remains,’ said Grandmarina in conclusion, ‘to make an end of the
+fish-bone.’
+
+So she took it from the hand of the Princess Alicia, and it instantly
+flew down the throat of the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, next door,
+and choked him, and he expired in convulsions.
+
+
+
+
+PART III.
+ROMANCE.  FROM THE PEN OF LIEUT.-COL. ROBIN REDFORTH {266}
+
+
+THE subject of our present narrative would appear to have devoted himself
+to the pirate profession at a comparatively early age.  We find him in
+command of a splendid schooner of one hundred guns loaded to the muzzle,
+ere yet he had had a party in honour of his tenth birthday.
+
+It seems that our hero, considering himself spited by a Latin-grammar
+master, demanded the satisfaction due from one man of honour to
+another.—Not getting it, he privately withdrew his haughty spirit from
+such low company, bought a second-hand pocket-pistol, folded up some
+sandwiches in a paper bag, made a bottle of Spanish liquorice-water, and
+entered on a career of valour.
+
+It were tedious to follow Boldheart (for such was his name) through the
+commencing stages of his story.  Suffice it, that we find him bearing the
+rank of Capt. Boldheart, reclining in full uniform on a crimson
+hearth-rug spread out upon the quarter-deck of his schooner ‘The Beauty,’
+in the China seas.  It was a lovely evening; and, as his crew lay grouped
+about him, he favoured them with the following melody:
+
+    O landsmen are folly!
+    O pirates are jolly!
+    O diddleum Dolly,
+                   Di!
+
+             _Chorus_.—Heave yo.
+
+The soothing effect of these animated sounds floating over the waters, as
+the common sailors united their rough voices to take up the rich tones of
+Boldheart, may be more easily conceived than described.
+
+It was under these circumstances that the look-out at the masthead gave
+the word, ‘Whales!’
+
+All was now activity.
+
+‘Where away?’ cried Capt. Boldheart, starting up.
+
+‘On the larboard bow, sir,’ replied the fellow at the masthead, touching
+his hat.  For such was the height of discipline on board of ‘The Beauty,’
+that, even at that height, he was obliged to mind it, or be shot through
+the head.
+
+‘This adventure belongs to me,’ said Boldheart.  ‘Boy, my harpoon.  Let
+no man follow;’ and leaping alone into his boat, the captain rowed with
+admirable dexterity in the direction of the monster.
+
+All was now excitement.
+
+‘He nears him!’ said an elderly seaman, following the captain through his
+spy-glass.
+
+‘He strikes him!’ said another seaman, a mere stripling, but also with a
+spy-glass.
+
+‘He tows him towards us!’ said another seaman, a man in the full vigour
+of life, but also with a spy-glass.
+
+In fact, the captain was seen approaching, with the huge bulk following.
+We will not dwell on the deafening cries of ‘Boldheart! Boldheart!’ with
+which he was received, when, carelessly leaping on the quarter-deck, he
+presented his prize to his men.  They afterwards made two thousand four
+hundred and seventeen pound ten and sixpence by it.
+
+Ordering the sail to be braced up, the captain now stood W.N.W.  ‘The
+Beauty’ flew rather than floated over the dark blue waters.  Nothing
+particular occurred for a fortnight, except taking, with considerable
+slaughter, four Spanish galleons, and a snow from South America, all
+richly laden.  Inaction began to tell upon the spirits of the men.  Capt.
+Boldheart called all hands aft, and said, ‘My lads, I hear there are
+discontented ones among ye.  Let any such stand forth.’
+
+After some murmuring, in which the expressions, ‘Ay, ay, sir!’  ‘Union
+Jack,’ ‘Avast,’ ‘Starboard,’ ‘Port,’ ‘Bowsprit,’ and similar indications
+of a mutinous undercurrent, though subdued, were audible, Bill Boozey,
+captain of the foretop, came out from the rest.  His form was that of a
+giant, but he quailed under the captain’s eye.
+
+‘What are your wrongs?’ said the captain.
+
+‘Why, d’ye see, Capt. Boldheart,’ replied the towering manner, ‘I’ve
+sailed, man and boy, for many a year, but I never yet know’d the milk
+served out for the ship’s company’s teas to be so sour as ‘tis aboard
+this craft.’
+
+At this moment the thrilling cry, ‘Man overboard!’ announced to the
+astonished crew that Boozey, in stepping back, as the captain (in mere
+thoughtfulness) laid his hand upon the faithful pocket-pistol which he
+wore in his belt, had lost his balance, and was struggling with the
+foaming tide.
+
+All was now stupefaction.
+
+But with Capt. Boldheart, to throw off his uniform coat, regardless of
+the various rich orders with which it was decorated, and to plunge into
+the sea after the drowning giant, was the work of a moment.  Maddening
+was the excitement when boats were lowered; intense the joy when the
+captain was seen holding up the drowning man with his teeth; deafening
+the cheering when both were restored to the main deck of ‘The Beauty.’
+And, from the instant of his changing his wet clothes for dry ones, Capt.
+Boldheart had no such devoted though humble friend as William Boozey.
+
+Boldheart now pointed to the horizon, and called the attention of his
+crew to the taper spars of a ship lying snug in harbour under the guns of
+a fort.
+
+‘She shall be ours at sunrise,’ said he.  ‘Serve out a double allowance
+of grog, and prepare for action.’
+
+All was now preparation.
+
+When morning dawned, after a sleepless night, it was seen that the
+stranger was crowding on all sail to come out of the harbour and offer
+battle.  As the two ships came nearer to each other, the stranger fired a
+gun and hoisted Roman colours.  Boldheart then perceived her to be the
+Latin-grammar master’s bark.  Such indeed she was, and had been tacking
+about the world in unavailing pursuit, from the time of his first taking
+to a roving life.
+
+Boldheart now addressed his men, promising to blow them up if he should
+feel convinced that their reputation required it, and giving orders that
+the Latin-grammar master should be taken alive.  He then dismissed them
+to their quarters, and the fight began with a broadside from ‘The
+Beauty.’  She then veered around, and poured in another.  ‘The Scorpion’
+(so was the bark of the Latin-grammar master appropriately called) was
+not slow to return her fire; and a terrific cannonading ensued, in which
+the guns of ‘The Beauty’ did tremendous execution.
+
+The Latin-grammar master was seen upon the poop, in the midst of the
+smoke and fire, encouraging his men.  To do him justice, he was no
+craven, though his white hat, his short gray trousers, and his long
+snuff-coloured surtout reaching to his heels (the self-same coat in which
+he had spited Boldheart), contrasted most unfavourably with the brilliant
+uniform of the latter.  At this moment, Boldheart, seizing a pike and
+putting himself at the head of his men, gave the word to board.
+
+A desperate conflict ensued in the hammock-nettings,—or somewhere in
+about that direction,—until the Latin-grammar master, having all his
+masts gone, his hull and rigging shot through, and seeing Boldheart
+slashing a path towards him, hauled down his flag himself, gave up his
+sword to Boldheart, and asked for quarter.  Scarce had he been put into
+the captain’s boat, ere ‘The Scorpion’ went down with all on board.
+
+On Capt. Boldheart’s now assembling his men, a circumstance occurred.  He
+found it necessary with one blow of his cutlass to kill the cook, who,
+having lost his brother in the late action, was making at the
+Latin-grammar master in an infuriated state, intent on his destruction
+with a carving-knife.
+
+Capt. Boldheart then turned to the Latin-grammar master, severely
+reproaching him with his perfidy, and put it to his crew what they
+considered that a master who spited a boy deserved.
+
+They answered with one voice, ‘Death.’
+
+‘It may be so,’ said the captain; ‘but it shall never be said that
+Boldheart stained his hour of triumph with the blood of his enemy.
+Prepare the cutter.’
+
+The cutter was immediately prepared.
+
+‘Without taking your life,’ said the captain, ‘I must yet for ever
+deprive you of the power of spiting other boys.  I shall turn you adrift
+in this boat.  You will find in her two oars, a compass, a bottle of rum,
+a small cask of water, a piece of pork, a bag of biscuit, and my Latin
+grammar.  Go! and spite the natives, if you can find any.’
+
+Deeply conscious of this bitter sarcasm, the unhappy wretch was put into
+the cutter, and was soon left far behind.  He made no effort to row, but
+was seen lying on his back with his legs up, when last made out by the
+ship’s telescopes.
+
+A stiff breeze now beginning to blow, Capt. Boldheart gave orders to keep
+her S.S.W., easing her a little during the night by falling off a point
+or two W. by W., or even by W.S., if she complained much.  He then
+retired for the night, having in truth much need of repose.  In addition
+to the fatigues he had undergone, this brave officer had received sixteen
+wounds in the engagement, but had not mentioned it.
+
+In the morning a white squall came on, and was succeeded by other squalls
+of various colours.  It thundered and lightened heavily for six weeks.
+Hurricanes then set in for two months.  Waterspouts and tornadoes
+followed.  The oldest sailor on board—and he was a very old one—had never
+seen such weather.  ‘The Beauty’ lost all idea where she was, and the
+carpenter reported six feet two of water in the hold.  Everybody fell
+senseless at the pumps every day.
+
+Provisions now ran very low.  Our hero put the crew on short allowance,
+and put himself on shorter allowance than any man in the ship.  But his
+spirit kept him fat.  In this extremity, the gratitude of Boozey, the
+captain of the foretop, whom our readers may remember, was truly
+affecting.  The loving though lowly William repeatedly requested to be
+killed, and preserved for the captain’s table.
+
+We now approach a change of affairs.  One day during a gleam of sunshine,
+and when the weather had moderated, the man at the masthead—too weak now
+to touch his hat, besides its having been blown away—called out,
+
+‘Savages!’
+
+All was now expectation.
+
+Presently fifteen hundred canoes, each paddled by twenty savages, were
+seen advancing in excellent order.  They were of a light green colour
+(the savages were), and sang, with great energy, the following strain:
+
+    Choo a choo a choo tooth.
+       Muntch, muntch.  Nycey!
+    Choo a choo a choo tooth.
+       Muntch, muntch.  Nycey!
+
+As the shades of night were by this time closing in, these expressions
+were supposed to embody this simple people’s views of the evening hymn.
+But it too soon appeared that the song was a translation of ‘For what we
+are going to receive,’ &c.
+
+The chief, imposingly decorated with feathers of lively colours, and
+having the majestic appearance of a fighting parrot, no sooner understood
+(he understood English perfectly) that the ship was ‘The Beauty,’ Capt.
+Boldheart, than he fell upon his face on the deck, and could not be
+persuaded to rise until the captain had lifted him up, and told him he
+wouldn’t hurt him.  All the rest of the savages also fell on their faces
+with marks of terror, and had also to be lifted up one by one.  Thus the
+fame of the great Boldheart had gone before him, even among these
+children of Nature.
+
+Turtles and oysters were now produced in astonishing numbers; and on
+these and yams the people made a hearty meal.  After dinner the chief
+told Capt. Boldheart that there was better feeding up at the village, and
+that he would be glad to take him and his officers there.  Apprehensive
+of treachery, Boldheart ordered his boat’s crew to attend him completely
+armed.  And well were it for other commanders if their precautions—but
+let us not anticipate.
+
+When the canoes arrived at the beach, the darkness of the night was
+illumined by the light of an immense fire.  Ordering his boat’s crew
+(with the intrepid though illiterate William at their head) to keep close
+and be upon their guard, Boldheart bravely went on, arm in arm with the
+chief.
+
+But how to depict the captain’s surprise when he found a ring of savages
+singing in chorus that barbarous translation of ‘For what we are going to
+receive,’ &c., which has been given above, and dancing hand in hand round
+the Latin-grammar master, in a hamper with his head shaved, while two
+savages floured him, before putting him to the fire to be cooked!
+
+Boldheart now took counsel with his officers on the course to be adopted.
+In the mean time, the miserable captive never ceased begging pardon and
+imploring to be delivered.  On the generous Boldheart’s proposal, it was
+at length resolved that he should not be cooked, but should be allowed to
+remain raw, on two conditions, namely:
+
+1. That he should never, under any circumstances, presume to teach any
+boy anything any more.
+
+2. That, if taken back to England, he should pass his life in travelling
+to find out boys who wanted their exercises done, and should do their
+exercises for those boys for nothing, and never say a word about it.
+
+Drawing the sword from its sheath, Boldheart swore him to these
+conditions on its shining blade.  The prisoner wept bitterly, and
+appeared acutely to feel the errors of his past career.
+
+The captain then ordered his boat’s crew to make ready for a volley, and
+after firing to re-load quickly.  ‘And expect a score or two on ye to go
+head over heels,’ murmured William Boozey; ‘for I’m a-looking at ye.’
+With those words, the derisive though deadly William took a good aim.
+
+‘Fire!’
+
+The ringing voice of Boldheart was lost in the report of the guns and the
+screeching of the savages.  Volley after volley awakened the numerous
+echoes.  Hundreds of savages were killed, hundreds wounded, and thousands
+ran howling into the woods.  The Latin-grammar master had a spare
+night-cap lent him, and a long-tail coat, which he wore hind side before.
+He presented a ludicrous though pitiable appearance, and serve him right.
+
+We now find Capt. Boldheart, with this rescued wretch on board, standing
+off for other islands.  At one of these, not a cannibal island, but a
+pork and vegetable one, he married (only in fun on his part) the king’s
+daughter.  Here he rested some time, receiving from the natives great
+quantities of precious stones, gold dust, elephants’ teeth, and sandal
+wood, and getting very rich.  This, too, though he almost every day made
+presents of enormous value to his men.
+
+The ship being at length as full as she could hold of all sorts of
+valuable things, Boldheart gave orders to weigh the anchor, and turn ‘The
+Beauty’s’ head towards England.  These orders were obeyed with three
+cheers; and ere the sun went down full many a hornpipe had been danced on
+deck by the uncouth though agile William.
+
+We next find Capt. Boldheart about three leagues off Madeira, surveying
+through his spy-glass a stranger of suspicious appearance making sail
+towards him.  On his firing a gun ahead of her to bring her to, she ran
+up a flag, which he instantly recognised as the flag from the mast in the
+back-garden at home.
+
+Inferring from this, that his father had put to sea to seek his long-lost
+son, the captain sent his own boat on board the stranger to inquire if
+this was so, and, if so, whether his father’s intentions were strictly
+honourable.  The boat came back with a present of greens and fresh meat,
+and reported that the stranger was ‘The Family,’ of twelve hundred tons,
+and had not only the captain’s father on board, but also his mother, with
+the majority of his aunts and uncles, and all his cousins.  It was
+further reported to Boldheart that the whole of these relations had
+expressed themselves in a becoming manner, and were anxious to embrace
+him and thank him for the glorious credit he had done them.  Boldheart at
+once invited them to breakfast next morning on board ‘The Beauty,’ and
+gave orders for a brilliant ball that should last all day.
+
+It was in the course of the night that the captain discovered the
+hopelessness of reclaiming the Latin-grammar master.  That thankless
+traitor was found out, as the two ships lay near each other,
+communicating with ‘The Family’ by signals, and offering to give up
+Boldheart.  He was hanged at the yard-arm the first thing in the morning,
+after having it impressively pointed out to him by Boldheart that this
+was what spiters came to.
+
+The meeting between the captain and his parents was attended with tears.
+His uncles and aunts would have attended their meeting with tears too,
+but he wasn’t going to stand that.  His cousins were very much astonished
+by the size of his ship and the discipline of his men, and were greatly
+overcome by the splendour of his uniform.  He kindly conducted them round
+the vessel, and pointed out everything worthy of notice.  He also fired
+his hundred guns, and found it amusing to witness their alarm.
+
+The entertainment surpassed everything ever seen on board ship, and
+lasted from ten in the morning until seven the next morning.  Only one
+disagreeable incident occurred.  Capt. Boldheart found himself obliged to
+put his cousin Tom in irons, for being disrespectful.  On the boy’s
+promising amendment, however, he was humanely released after a few hours’
+close confinement.
+
+Boldheart now took his mother down into the great cabin, and asked after
+the young lady with whom, it was well known to the world, he was in love.
+His mother replied that the object of his affections was then at school
+at Margate, for the benefit of sea-bathing (it was the month of
+September), but that she feared the young lady’s friends were still
+opposed to the union.  Boldheart at once resolved, if necessary, to
+bombard the town.
+
+Taking the command of his ship with this intention, and putting all but
+fighting men on board ‘The Family,’ with orders to that vessel to keep in
+company, Boldheart soon anchored in Margate Roads.  Here he went ashore
+well-armed, and attended by his boat’s crew (at their head the faithful
+though ferocious William), and demanded to see the mayor, who came out of
+his office.
+
+‘Dost know the name of yon ship, mayor?’ asked Boldheart fiercely.
+
+‘No,’ said the mayor, rubbing his eyes, which he could scarce believe,
+when he saw the goodly vessel riding at anchor.
+
+‘She is named “The Beauty,”’ said the captain.
+
+‘Hah!’ exclaimed the mayor, with a start.  ‘And you, then, are Capt.
+Boldheart?’
+
+‘The same.’
+
+A pause ensued.  The mayor trembled.
+
+‘Now, mayor,’ said the captain, ‘choose!  Help me to my bride, or be
+bombarded.’
+
+The mayor begged for two hours’ grace, in which to make inquiries
+respecting the young lady.  Boldheart accorded him but one; and during
+that one placed William Boozey sentry over him, with a drawn sword, and
+instructions to accompany him wherever he went, and to run him through
+the body if he showed a sign of playing false.
+
+At the end of the hour the mayor re-appeared more dead than alive,
+closely waited on by Boozey more alive than dead.
+
+‘Captain,’ said the mayor, ‘I have ascertained that the young lady is
+going to bathe.  Even now she waits her turn for a machine.  The tide is
+low, though rising.  I, in one of our town-boats, shall not be suspected.
+When she comes forth in her bathing-dress into the shallow water from
+behind the hood of the machine, my boat shall intercept her and prevent
+her return.  Do you the rest.’
+
+‘Mayor,’ returned Capt. Boldheart, ‘thou hast saved thy town.’
+
+The captain then signalled his boat to take him off, and, steering her
+himself, ordered her crew to row towards the bathing-ground, and there to
+rest upon their oars.  All happened as had been arranged.  His lovely
+bride came forth, the mayor glided in behind her, she became confused,
+and had floated out of her depth, when, with one skilful touch of the
+rudder and one quivering stroke from the boat’s crew, her adoring
+Boldheart held her in his strong arms.  There her shrieks of terror were
+changed to cries of joy.
+
+Before ‘The Beauty’ could get under way, the hoisting of all the flags in
+the town and harbour, and the ringing of all the bells, announced to the
+brave Boldheart that he had nothing to fear.  He therefore determined to
+be married on the spot, and signalled for a clergyman and clerk, who came
+off promptly in a sailing-boat named ‘The Skylark.’  Another great
+entertainment was then given on board ‘The Beauty,’ in the midst of which
+the mayor was called out by a messenger.  He returned with the news that
+government had sent down to know whether Capt. Boldheart, in
+acknowledgment of the great services he had done his country by being a
+pirate, would consent to be made a lieutenant-colonel.  For himself he
+would have spurned the worthless boon; but his bride wished it, and he
+consented.
+
+Only one thing further happened before the good ship ‘Family’ was
+dismissed, with rich presents to all on board.  It is painful to record
+(but such is human nature in some cousins) that Capt. Boldheart’s
+unmannerly Cousin Tom was actually tied up to receive three dozen with a
+rope’s end ‘for cheekiness and making game,’ when Capt. Boldheart’s lady
+begged for him, and he was spared.  ‘The Beauty’ then refitted, and the
+captain and his bride departed for the Indian Ocean to enjoy themselves
+for evermore.
+
+
+
+
+PART IV.
+ROMANCE FROM THE PEN OF MISS NETTIE ASHFORD {274}
+
+
+THERE is a country, which I will show you when I get into maps, where the
+children have everything their own way.  It is a most delightful country
+to live in.  The grown-up people are obliged to obey the children, and
+are never allowed to sit up to supper, except on their birthdays.  The
+children order them to make jam and jelly and marmalade, and tarts and
+pies and puddings, and all manner of pastry.  If they say they won’t,
+they are put in the corner till they do.  They are sometimes allowed to
+have some; but when they have some, they generally have powders given
+them afterwards.
+
+One of the inhabitants of this country, a truly sweet young creature of
+the name of Mrs. Orange, had the misfortune to be sadly plagued by her
+numerous family.  Her parents required a great deal of looking after, and
+they had connections and companions who were scarcely ever out of
+mischief.  So Mrs. Orange said to herself, ‘I really cannot be troubled
+with these torments any longer: I must put them all to school.’
+
+Mrs. Orange took off her pinafore, and dressed herself very nicely, and
+took up her baby, and went out to call upon another lady of the name of
+Mrs. Lemon, who kept a preparatory establishment.  Mrs. Orange stood upon
+the scraper to pull at the bell, and give a ring-ting-ting.
+
+Mrs. Lemon’s neat little housemaid, pulling up her socks as she came
+along the passage, answered the ring-ting-ting.
+
+‘Good-morning,’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘Fine day.  How do you do?  Mrs. Lemon
+at home!’
+
+‘Yes, ma’am.’
+
+‘Will you say Mrs. Orange and baby?’
+
+‘Yes, ma’am.  Walk in.’
+
+Mrs. Orange’s baby was a very fine one, and real wax all over.  Mrs.
+Lemon’s baby was leather and bran.  However, when Mrs. Lemon came into
+the drawing-room with her baby in her arms, Mrs. Orange said politely,
+‘Good-morning.  Fine day.  How do you do?  And how is little
+Tootleumboots?’
+
+‘Well, she is but poorly.  Cutting her teeth, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+‘O, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘No fits, I hope?’
+
+‘No, ma’am.’
+
+‘How many teeth has she, ma’am?’
+
+‘Five, ma’am.’
+
+‘My Emilia, ma’am, has eight,’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘Shall we lay them on
+the mantelpiece side by side, while we converse?’
+
+‘By all means, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘Hem!’
+
+‘The first question is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘I don’t bore you?’
+
+‘Not in the least, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘Far from it, I assure you.’
+
+‘Then pray _have_ you,’ said Mrs. Orange,—‘_have_ you any vacancies?’
+
+‘Yes, ma’am.  How many might you require?’
+
+‘Why, the truth is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘I have come to the
+conclusion that my children,’—O, I forgot to say that they call the
+grown-up people children in that country!—‘that my children are getting
+positively too much for me.  Let me see.  Two parents, two intimate
+friends of theirs, one godfather, two godmothers, and an aunt.  _Have_
+you as many as eight vacancies?’
+
+‘I have just eight, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+‘Most fortunate!  Terms moderate, I think?’
+
+‘Very moderate, ma’am.’
+
+‘Diet good, I believe?’
+
+‘Excellent, ma’am.’
+
+‘Unlimited?’
+
+‘Unlimited.’
+
+‘Most satisfactory!  Corporal punishment dispensed with?’
+
+‘Why, we do occasionally shake,’ said Mrs. Lemon, ‘and we have slapped.
+But only in extreme cases.’
+
+‘_Could_ I, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange,—‘_could_ I see the establishment?’
+
+‘With the greatest of pleasure, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+Mrs. Lemon took Mrs. Orange into the schoolroom, where there were a
+number of pupils.  ‘Stand up, children,’ said Mrs. Lemon; and they all
+stood up.
+
+Mrs. Orange whispered to Mrs. Lemon, ‘There is a pale, bald child, with
+red whiskers, in disgrace.  Might I ask what he has done?’
+
+‘Come here, White,’ said Mrs. Lemon, ‘and tell this lady what you have
+been doing.’
+
+‘Betting on horses,’ said White sulkily.
+
+‘Are you sorry for it, you naughty child?’ said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+‘No,’ said White.  ‘Sorry to lose, but shouldn’t be sorry to win.’
+
+‘There’s a vicious boy for you, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘Go along with
+you, sir.  This is Brown, Mrs. Orange.  O, a sad case, Brown’s!  Never
+knows when he has had enough.  Greedy.  How is your gout, sir?’
+
+‘Bad,’ said Brown.
+
+‘What else can you expect?’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘Your stomach is the size
+of two.  Go and take exercise directly.  Mrs. Black, come here to me.
+Now, here is a child, Mrs. Orange, ma’am, who is always at play.  She
+can’t be kept at home a single day together; always gadding about and
+spoiling her clothes.  Play, play, play, play, from morning to night, and
+to morning again.  How can she expect to improve?’
+
+‘Don’t expect to improve,’ sulked Mrs. Black.  ‘Don’t want to.’
+
+‘There is a specimen of her temper, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘To see her
+when she is tearing about, neglecting everything else, you would suppose
+her to be at least good-humoured.  But bless you! ma’am, she is as pert
+and flouncing a minx as ever you met with in all your days!’
+
+‘You must have a great deal of trouble with them, ma’am,’ said Mrs.
+Orange.
+
+‘Ah, I have, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. Lemon.  ‘What with their tempers,
+what with their quarrels, what with their never knowing what’s good for
+them, and what with their always wanting to domineer, deliver me from
+these unreasonable children!’
+
+‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.
+
+‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+So Mrs. Orange took up her baby and went home, and told the family that
+plagued her so that they were all going to be sent to school.  They said
+they didn’t want to go to school; but she packed up their boxes, and
+packed them off.
+
+‘O dear me, dear me!  Rest and be thankful!’ said Mrs. Orange, throwing
+herself back in her little arm-chair.  ‘Those troublesome troubles are
+got rid of, please the pigs!’
+
+Just then another lady, named Mrs. Alicumpaine, came calling at the
+street-door with a ring-ting-ting.
+
+‘My dear Mrs. Alicumpaine,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘how do you do?  Pray stay
+to dinner.  We have but a simple joint of sweet-stuff, followed by a
+plain dish of bread and treacle; but, if you will take us as you find us,
+it will be _so_ kind!’
+
+‘Don’t mention it,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  ‘I shall be too glad.  But
+what do you think I have come for, ma’am?  Guess, ma’am.’
+
+‘I really cannot guess, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.
+
+‘Why, I am going to have a small juvenile party to-night,’ said Mrs.
+Alicumpaine; ‘and if you and Mr. Orange and baby would but join us, we
+should be complete.’
+
+‘More than charmed, I am sure!’ said Mrs. Orange.
+
+‘So kind of you!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  ‘But I hope the children won’t
+bore you?’
+
+‘Dear things!  Not at all,’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘I dote upon them.’
+
+Mr. Orange here came home from the city; and he came, too, with a
+ring-ting-ting.
+
+‘James love,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘you look tired.  What has been doing in
+the city to-day?’
+
+‘Trap, bat, and ball, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange, ‘and it knocks a man
+up.’
+
+‘That dreadfully anxious city, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange to Mrs.
+Alicumpaine; ‘so wearing, is it not?’
+
+‘O, so trying!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  ‘John has lately been speculating
+in the peg-top ring; and I often say to him at night, “John, _is_ the
+result worth the wear and tear?”’
+
+Dinner was ready by this time: so they sat down to dinner; and while Mr.
+Orange carved the joint of sweet-stuff, he said, ‘It’s a poor heart that
+never rejoices.  Jane, go down to the cellar, and fetch a bottle of the
+Upest ginger-beer.’
+
+At tea-time, Mr. and Mrs. Orange, and baby, and Mrs. Alicumpaine went off
+to Mrs. Alicumpaine’s house.  The children had not come yet; but the
+ball-room was ready for them, decorated with paper flowers.
+
+‘How very sweet!’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘The dear things!  How pleased they
+will be!’
+
+‘I don’t care for children myself,’ said Mr. Orange, gaping.
+
+‘Not for girls?’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  ‘Come! you care for girls?’
+
+Mr. Orange shook his head, and gaped again.  ‘Frivolous and vain, ma’am.’
+
+‘My dear James,’ cried Mrs. Orange, who had been peeping about, ‘do look
+here.  Here’s the supper for the darlings, ready laid in the room behind
+the folding-doors.  Here’s their little pickled salmon, I do declare!
+And here’s their little salad, and their little roast beef and fowls, and
+their little pastry, and their wee, wee, wee champagne!’
+
+‘Yes, I thought it best, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine, ‘that they should
+have their supper by themselves.  Our table is in the corner here, where
+the gentlemen can have their wineglass of negus, and their egg-sandwich,
+and their quiet game at beggar-my-neighbour, and look on.  As for us,
+ma’am, we shall have quite enough to do to manage the company.’
+
+‘O, indeed, you may say so!  Quite enough, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.
+
+The company began to come.  The first of them was a stout boy, with a
+white top-knot and spectacles.  The housemaid brought him in and said,
+‘Compliments, and at what time was he to be fetched!’  Mrs. Alicumpaine
+said, ‘Not a moment later than ten.  How do you do, sir?  Go and sit
+down.’  Then a number of other children came; boys by themselves, and
+girls by themselves, and boys and girls together.  They didn’t behave at
+all well.  Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses at others, and
+said, ‘Who are those?  Don’t know them.’  Some of them looked through
+quizzing-glasses at others, and said, ‘How do?’  Some of them had cups of
+tea or coffee handed to them by others, and said, ‘Thanks; much!’  A good
+many boys stood about, and felt their shirt-collars.  Four tiresome fat
+boys _would_ stand in the doorway, and talk about the newspapers, till
+Mrs. Alicumpaine went to them and said, ‘My dears, I really cannot allow
+you to prevent people from coming in.  I shall be truly sorry to do it;
+but, if you put yourself in everybody’s way, I must positively send you
+home.’  One boy, with a beard and a large white waistcoat, who stood
+straddling on the hearth-rug warming his coat-tails, _was_ sent home.
+‘Highly incorrect, my dear,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine, handing him out of
+the room, ‘and I cannot permit it.’
+
+There was a children’s band,—harp, cornet, and piano,—and Mrs.
+Alicumpaine and Mrs. Orange bustled among the children to persuade them
+to take partners and dance.  But they were so obstinate!  For quite a
+long time they would not be persuaded to take partners and dance.  Most
+of the boys said, ‘Thanks; much!  But not at present.’  And most of the
+rest of the boys said, ‘Thanks; much!  But never do.’
+
+‘O, these children are very wearing!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs.
+Orange.
+
+‘Dear things!  I dote upon them; but they ARE wearing,’ said Mrs. Orange
+to Mrs. Alicumpaine.
+
+At last they did begin in a slow and melancholy way to slide about to the
+music; though even then they wouldn’t mind what they were told, but would
+have this partner, and wouldn’t have that partner, and showed temper
+about it.  And they wouldn’t smile,—no, not on any account they wouldn’t;
+but, when the music stopped, went round and round the room in dismal
+twos, as if everybody else was dead.
+
+‘O, it’s very hard indeed to get these vexing children to be
+entertained!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.
+
+‘I dote upon the darlings; but it is hard,’ said Mrs. Orange to Mrs.
+Alicumpaine.
+
+They were trying children, that’s the truth.  First, they wouldn’t sing
+when they were asked; and then, when everybody fully believed they
+wouldn’t, they would.  ‘If you serve us so any more, my love,’ said Mrs.
+Alicumpaine to a tall child, with a good deal of white back, in mauve
+silk trimmed with lace, ‘it will be my painful privilege to offer you a
+bed, and to send you to it immediately.’
+
+The girls were so ridiculously dressed, too, that they were in rags
+before supper.  How could the boys help treading on their trains?  And
+yet when their trains were trodden on, they often showed temper again,
+and looked as black, they did!  However, they all seemed to be pleased
+when Mrs. Alicumpaine said, ‘Supper is ready, children!’  And they went
+crowding and pushing in, as if they had had dry bread for dinner.
+
+‘How are the children getting on?’ said Mr. Orange to Mrs. Orange, when
+Mrs. Orange came to look after baby.  Mrs. Orange had left baby on a
+shelf near Mr. Orange while he played at beggar-my-neighbour, and had
+asked him to keep his eye upon her now and then.
+
+‘Most charmingly, my dear!’ said Mrs. Orange.  ‘So droll to see their
+little flirtations and jealousies!  Do come and look!’
+
+‘Much obliged to you, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange; ‘but I don’t care about
+children myself.’
+
+So Mrs. Orange, having seen that baby was safe, went back without Mr.
+Orange to the room where the children were having supper.
+
+‘What are they doing now?’ said Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine.
+
+‘They are making speeches, and playing at parliament,’ said Mrs.
+Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.
+
+On hearing this, Mrs. Orange set off once more back again to Mr. Orange,
+and said, ‘James dear, do come.  The children are playing at parliament.’
+
+‘Thank you, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange, ‘but I don’t care about parliament
+myself.’
+
+So Mrs. Orange went once again without Mr. Orange to the room where the
+children were having supper, to see them playing at parliament.  And she
+found some of the boys crying, ‘Hear, hear, hear!’ while other boys cried
+‘No, no!’ and others, ‘Question!’ ‘Spoke!’ and all sorts of nonsense that
+ever you heard.  Then one of those tiresome fat boys who had stopped the
+doorway told them he was on his legs (as if they couldn’t see that he
+wasn’t on his head, or on his anything else) to explain, and that, with
+the permission of his honourable friend, if he would allow him to call
+him so (another tiresome boy bowed), he would proceed to explain.  Then
+he went on for a long time in a sing-song (whatever he meant), did this
+troublesome fat boy, about that he held in his hand a glass; and about
+that he had come down to that house that night to discharge what he would
+call a public duty; and about that, on the present occasion, he would lay
+his hand (his other hand) upon his heart, and would tell honourable
+gentlemen that he was about to open the door to general approval.  Then
+he opened the door by saying, ‘To our hostess!’ and everybody else said
+‘To our hostess!’ and then there were cheers.  Then another tiresome boy
+started up in sing-song, and then half a dozen noisy and nonsensical boys
+at once.  But at last Mrs. Alicumpaine said, ‘I cannot have this din.
+Now, children, you have played at parliament very nicely; but parliament
+gets tiresome after a little while, and it’s time you left off, for you
+will soon be fetched.’
+
+After another dance (with more tearing to rags than before supper), they
+began to be fetched; and you will be very glad to be told that the
+tiresome fat boy who had been on his legs was walked off first without
+any ceremony.  When they were all gone, poor Mrs. Alicumpaine dropped
+upon a sofa, and said to Mrs. Orange, ‘These children will be the death
+of me at last, ma’am,—they will indeed!’
+
+‘I quite adore them, ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange; ‘but they DO want
+variety.’
+
+Mr. Orange got his hat, and Mrs. Orange got her bonnet and her baby, and
+they set out to walk home.  They had to pass Mrs. Lemon’s preparatory
+establishment on their way.
+
+‘I wonder, James dear,’ said Mrs. Orange, looking up at the window,
+‘whether the precious children are asleep!’
+
+‘I don’t care much whether they are or not, myself,’ said Mr. Orange.
+
+‘James dear!’
+
+‘You dote upon them, you know,’ said Mr. Orange.  ‘That’s another thing.’
+
+‘I do,’ said Mrs. Orange rapturously.  ‘O, I DO!’
+
+‘I don’t,’ said Mr. Orange.
+
+‘But I was thinking, James love,’ said Mrs. Orange, pressing his arm,
+‘whether our dear, good, kind Mrs. Lemon would like them to stay the
+holidays with her.’
+
+‘If she was paid for it, I daresay she would,’ said Mr. Orange.
+
+‘I adore them, James,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘but SUPPOSE we pay her, then!’
+
+This was what brought that country to such perfection, and made it such a
+delightful place to live in.  The grown-up people (that would be in other
+countries) soon left off being allowed any holidays after Mr. and Mrs.
+Orange tried the experiment; and the children (that would be in other
+countries) kept them at school as long as ever they lived, and made them
+do whatever they were told.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES
+
+
+{251}  Aged eight.
+
+{258}  Aged seven.
+
+{266}  Aged nine.
+
+{274}  Aged half-past six.
+
+
+
+
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