diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:15:50 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:15:50 -0700 |
| commit | a68f72ea8915e77a9b6d68b35d90ae318454bb9b (patch) | |
| tree | c2ff03b1002ceb65e7f9ce2799070542cd6b32ed /809-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '809-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 809-h/809-h.htm | 2106 |
1 files changed, 2106 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/809-h/809-h.htm b/809-h/809-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e25eedf --- /dev/null +++ b/809-h/809-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2106 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg Book of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + + </style> +</head> +<body> + +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Holiday Romance<br /> +In Four Parts</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Charles Dickens</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: February 7, 1997 [eBook #809]<br /> +[Most recently updated: June 8, 2021]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Price</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLIDAY ROMANCE ***</div> + +<h1>HOLIDAY ROMANCE<br /> +In Four Parts</h1> + +<h2>PART I.<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">INTRODUCTORY ROMANCE PROM THE PEN OF +WILLIAM TINKLING, ESQ.</span> <a name="citation251"></a><a +href="#footnote251" class="citation">[251]</a></h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> beginning-part is not made out +of anybody’s head, you know. It’s real. +You must believe this beginning-part more than what comes after, +else you won’t understand how what comes after came to be +written. You must believe it all; but you must believe this +most, please. I am the editor of it. Bob Redforth +(he’s my cousin, and shaking the table on purpose) wanted +to be the editor of it; but I said he shouldn’t because he +couldn’t. <i>He</i> has no idea of being an +editor.</p> +<p>Nettie Ashford is my bride. We were married in the +right-hand closet in the corner of the dancing-school, where +first we met, with a ring (a green one) from Wilkingwater’s +toy-shop. <i>I</i> owed for it out of my +pocket-money. When the rapturous ceremony was over, we all +four went up the lane and let off a cannon (brought loaded in Bob +Redforth’s waistcoat-pocket) to announce our +nuptials. It flew right up when it went off, and turned +over. Next day, Lieut.-Col. Robin Redforth was united, with +similar ceremonies, to Alice Rainbird. This time the cannon +burst with a most terrific explosion, and made a puppy bark.</p> +<p>My peerless bride was, at the period of which we now treat, in +captivity at Miss Grimmer’s. Drowvey and Grimmer is +the partnership, and opinion is divided which is the greatest +beast. The lovely bride of the colonel was also immured in +the dungeons of the same establishment. A vow was entered +into, between the colonel and myself, that we would cut them out +on the following Wednesday when walking two and two.</p> +<p>Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active +brain of the colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is a +pirate), suggested an attack with fireworks. This, however, +from motives of humanity, was abandoned as too expensive.</p> +<p>Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his jacket, +and waving the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, the +colonel took command of me at two <span +class="GutSmall">P.M.</span> on the eventful and appointed +day. He had drawn out the plan of attack on a piece of +paper, which was rolled up round a hoop-stick. He showed it +to me. My position and my full-length portrait (but my real +ears don’t stick out horizontal) was behind a corner +lamp-post, with written orders to remain there till I should see +Miss Drowvey fall. The Drowvey who was to fall was the one +in spectacles, not the one with the large lavender bonnet. +At that signal I was to rush forth, seize my bride, and fight my +way to the lane. There a junction would be effected between +myself and the colonel; and putting our brides behind us, between +ourselves and the palings, we were to conquer or die.</p> +<p>The enemy appeared,—approached. Waving his black +flag, the colonel attacked. Confusion ensued. +Anxiously I awaited my signal; but my signal came not. So +far from falling, the hated Drowvey in spectacles appeared to me +to have muffled the colonel’s head in his outlawed banner, +and to be pitching into him with a parasol. The one in the +lavender bonnet also performed prodigies of valour with her fists +on his back. Seeing that all was for the moment lost, I +fought my desperate way hand to hand to the lane. Through +taking the back road, I was so fortunate as to meet nobody, and +arrived there uninterrupted.</p> +<p>It seemed an age ere the colonel joined me. He had been +to the jobbing tailor’s to be sewn up in several places, +and attributed our defeat to the refusal of the detested Drowvey +to fall. Finding her so obstinate, he had said to her, +‘Die, recreant!’ but had found her no more open to +reason on that point than the other.</p> +<p>My blooming bride appeared, accompanied by the colonel’s +bride, at the dancing-school next day. What? Was her +face averted from me? Hah? Even so. With a look +of scorn, she put into my hand a bit of paper, and took another +partner. On the paper was pencilled, ‘Heavens! +Can I write the word? Is my husband a cow?’</p> +<p>In the first bewilderment of my heated brain, I tried to think +what slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble animal +mentioned above. Vain were my endeavours. At the end +of that dance I whispered the colonel to come into the +cloak-room, and I showed him the note.</p> +<p>‘There is a syllable wanting,’ said he, with a +gloomy brow.</p> +<p>‘Hah! What syllable?’ was my inquiry.</p> +<p>‘She asks, can she write the word? And no; you see +she couldn’t,’ said the colonel, pointing out the +passage.</p> +<p>‘And the word was?’ said I.</p> +<p>‘Cow—cow—coward,’ hissed the +pirate-colonel in my ear, and gave me back the note.</p> +<p>Feeling that I must for ever tread the earth a branded +boy,—person I mean,—or that I must clear up my +honour, I demanded to be tried by a court-martial. The +colonel admitted my right to be tried. Some difficulty was +found in composing the court, on account of the Emperor of +France’s aunt refusing to let him come out. He was to +be the president. Ere yet we had appointed a substitute, he +made his escape over the back-wall, and stood among us, a free +monarch.</p> +<p>The court was held on the grass by the pond. I +recognised, in a certain admiral among my judges, my deadliest +foe. A cocoa-nut had given rise to language that I could +not brook; but confiding in my innocence, and also in the +knowledge that the President of the United States (who sat next +him) owed me a knife, I braced myself for the ordeal.</p> +<p>It was a solemn spectacle, that court. Two executioners +with pinafores reversed led me in. Under the shade of an +umbrella I perceived my bride, supported by the bride of the +pirate-colonel. The president, having reproved a little +female ensign for tittering, on a matter of life or death, called +upon me to plead, ‘Coward or no coward, guilty or not +guilty?’ I pleaded in a firm tone, ‘No coward +and not guilty.’ (The little female ensign being +again reproved by the president for misconduct, mutinied, left +the court, and threw stones.)</p> +<p>My implacable enemy, the admiral, conducted the case against +me. The colonel’s bride was called to prove that I +had remained behind the corner lamp-post during the +engagement. I might have been spared the anguish of my own +bride’s being also made a witness to the same point, but +the admiral knew where to wound me. Be still, my soul, no +matter. The colonel was then brought forward with his +evidence.</p> +<p>It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the +turning-point of my case. Shaking myself free of my +guards,—who had no business to hold me, the stupids, unless +I was found guilty,—I asked the colonel what he considered +the first duty of a soldier? Ere he could reply, the +President of the United States rose and informed the court, that +my foe, the admiral, had suggested ‘Bravery,’ and +that prompting a witness wasn’t fair. The president +of the court immediately ordered the admiral’s mouth to be +filled with leaves, and tied up with string. I had the +satisfaction of seeing the sentence carried into effect before +the proceedings went further.</p> +<p>I then took a paper from my trousers-pocket, and asked, +‘What do you consider, Col. Redford, the first duty +of a soldier? Is it obedience?’</p> +<p>‘It is,’ said the colonel.</p> +<p>‘Is that paper—please to look at it—in your +hand?’</p> +<p>‘It is,’ said the colonel.</p> +<p>‘Is it a military sketch?’</p> +<p>‘It is,’ said the colonel.</p> +<p>‘Of an engagement?’</p> +<p>‘Quite so,’ said the colonel.</p> +<p>‘Of the late engagement?’</p> +<p>‘Of the late engagement.’</p> +<p>‘Please to describe it, and then hand it to the +president of the court.’</p> +<p>From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dangers were +at an end. The court rose up and jumped, on discovering +that I had strictly obeyed orders. My foe, the admiral, who +though muzzled was malignant yet, contrived to suggest that I was +dishonoured by having quitted the field. But the colonel +himself had done as much, and gave his opinion, upon his word and +honour as a pirate, that when all was lost the field might be +quitted without disgrace. I was going to be found ‘No +coward and not guilty,’ and my blooming bride was going to +be publicly restored to my arms in a procession, when an +unlooked-for event disturbed the general rejoicing. This +was no other than the Emperor of France’s aunt catching +hold of his hair. The proceedings abruptly terminated, and +the court tumultuously dissolved.</p> +<p>It was when the shades of the next evening but one were +beginning to fall, ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the +earth, that four forms might have been descried slowly advancing +towards the weeping willow on the borders of the pond, the now +deserted scene of the day before yesterday’s agonies and +triumphs. On a nearer approach, and by a practised eye, +these might have been identified as the forms of the +pirate-colonel with his bride, and of the day before +yesterday’s gallant prisoner with his bride.</p> +<p>On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs dejection sat +enthroned. All four reclined under the willow for some +minutes without speaking, till at length the bride of the colonel +poutingly observed, ‘It’s of no use pretending any +more, and we had better give it up.’</p> +<p>‘Hah!’ exclaimed the pirate. +‘Pretending?’</p> +<p>‘Don’t go on like that; you worry me,’ +returned his bride.</p> +<p>The lovely bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible +declaration. The two warriors exchanged stony glances.</p> +<p>‘If,’ said the bride of the pirate-colonel, +‘grown-up people WON’T do what they ought to do, and +WILL put us out, what comes of our pretending?’</p> +<p>‘We only get into scrapes,’ said the bride of +Tinkling.</p> +<p>‘You know very well,’ pursued the colonel’s +bride, ‘that Miss Drowvey wouldn’t fall. You +complained of it yourself. And you know how disgracefully +the court-martial ended. As to our marriage; would my +people acknowledge it at home?’</p> +<p>‘Or would my people acknowledge ours?’ said the +bride of Tinkling.</p> +<p>Again the two warriors exchanged stony glances.</p> +<p>‘If you knocked at the door and claimed me, after you +were told to go away,’ said the colonel’s bride, +‘you would only have your hair pulled, or your ears, or +your nose.’</p> +<p>‘If you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming +me,’ said the bride of Tinkling to that gentleman, +‘you would have things dropped on your head from the window +over the handle, or you would be played upon by the +garden-engine.’</p> +<p>‘And at your own homes,’ resumed the bride of the +colonel, ‘it would be just as bad. You would be sent +to bed, or something equally undignified. Again, how would +you support us?’</p> +<p>The pirate-colonel replied in a courageous voice, ‘By +rapine!’ But his bride retorted, ‘Suppose the +grown-up people wouldn’t be rapined?’ +‘Then,’ said the colonel, ‘they should pay the +penalty in blood.’—‘But suppose they should +object,’ retorted his bride, ‘and wouldn’t pay +the penalty in blood or anything else?’</p> +<p>A mournful silence ensued.</p> +<p>‘Then do you no longer love me, Alice?’ asked the +colonel.</p> +<p>‘Redforth! I am ever thine,’ returned his +bride.</p> +<p>‘Then do you no longer love me, Nettie?’ asked the +present writer.</p> +<p>‘Tinkling! I am ever thine,’ returned my +bride.</p> +<p>We all four embraced. Let me not be misunderstood by the +giddy. The colonel embraced his own bride, and I embraced +mine. But two times two make four.</p> +<p>‘Nettie and I,’ said Alice mournfully, ‘have +been considering our position. The grown-up people are too +strong for us. They make us ridiculous. Besides, they +have changed the times. William Tinkling’s baby +brother was christened yesterday. What took place? +Was any king present? Answer, William.’</p> +<p>I said No, unless disguised as Great-uncle Chopper.</p> +<p>‘Any queen?’</p> +<p>There had been no queen that I knew of at our house. +There might have been one in the kitchen: but I didn’t +think so, or the servants would have mentioned it.</p> +<p>‘Any fairies?’</p> +<p>None that were visible.</p> +<p>‘We had an idea among us, I think,’ said Alice, +with a melancholy smile, ‘we four, that Miss Grimmer would +prove to be the wicked fairy, and would come in at the +christening with her crutch-stick, and give the child a bad +gift. Was there anything of that sort? Answer, +William.’</p> +<p>I said that ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that +Great-uncle Chopper’s gift was a shabby one; but she +hadn’t said a bad one. She had called it shabby, +electrotyped, second-hand, and below his income.</p> +<p>‘It must be the grown-up people who have changed all +this,’ said Alice. ‘<i>We</i> couldn’t +have changed it, if we had been so inclined, and we never should +have been. Or perhaps Miss Grimmer <i>is</i> a wicked fairy +after all, and won’t act up to it because the grown-up +people have persuaded her not to. Either way, they would +make us ridiculous if we told them what we expected.’</p> +<p>‘Tyrants!’ muttered the pirate-colonel.</p> +<p>‘Nay, my Redforth,’ said Alice, ‘say not +so. Call not names, my Redforth, or they will apply to +pa.’</p> +<p>‘Let ’em,’ said the colonel. ‘I +do not care. Who’s he?’</p> +<p>Tinkling here undertook the perilous task of remonstrating +with his lawless friend, who consented to withdraw the moody +expressions above quoted.</p> +<p>‘What remains for us to do?’ Alice went on in her +mild, wise way. ‘We must educate, we must pretend in +a new manner, we must wait.’</p> +<p>The colonel clenched his teeth,—four out in front, and a +piece of another, and he had been twice dragged to the door of a +dentist-despot, but had escaped from his guards. ‘How +educate? How pretend in a new manner? How +wait?’</p> +<p>‘Educate the grown-up people,’ replied +Alice. ‘We part to-night. Yes, +Redforth,’—for the colonel tucked up his +cuffs,—‘part to-night! Let us in these next +holidays, now going to begin, throw our thoughts into something +educational for the grown-up people, hinting to them how things +ought to be. Let us veil our meaning under a mask of +romance; you, I, and Nettie. William Tinkling being the +plainest and quickest writer, shall copy out. Is it +agreed?’</p> +<p>The colonel answered sulkily, ‘I don’t +mind.’ He then asked, ‘How about +pretending?’</p> +<p>‘We will pretend,’ said Alice, ‘that we are +children; not that we are those grown-up people who won’t +help us out as they ought, and who understand us so +badly.’</p> +<p>The colonel, still much dissatisfied, growled, ‘How +about waiting?’</p> +<p>‘We will wait,’ answered little Alice, taking +Nettie’s hand in hers, and looking up to the sky, ‘we +will wait—ever constant and true—till the times have +got so changed as that everything helps us out, and nothing makes +us ridiculous, and the fairies have come back. We will +wait—ever constant and true—till we are eighty, +ninety, or one hundred. And then the fairies will send +<i>us</i> children, and we will help them out, poor pretty little +creatures, if they pretend ever so much.’</p> +<p>‘So we will, dear,’ said Nettie Ashford, taking +her round the waist with both arms and kissing her. +‘And now if my husband will go and buy some cherries for +us, I have got some money.’</p> +<p>In the friendliest manner I invited the colonel to go with me; +but he so far forgot himself as to acknowledge the invitation by +kicking out behind, and then lying down on his stomach on the +grass, pulling it up and chewing it. When I came back, +however, Alice had nearly brought him out of his vexation, and +was soothing him by telling him how soon we should all be +ninety.</p> +<p>As we sat under the willow-tree and ate the cherries (fair, +for Alice shared them out), we played at being ninety. +Nettie complained that she had a bone in her old back, and it +made her hobble; and Alice sang a song in an old woman’s +way, but it was very pretty, and we were all merry. At +least, I don’t know about merry exactly, but all +comfortable.</p> +<p>There was a most tremendous lot of cherries; and Alice always +had with her some neat little bag or box or case, to hold +things. In it that night was a tiny wine-glass. So +Alice and Nettie said they would make some cherry-wine to drink +our love at parting.</p> +<p>Each of us had a glassful, and it was delicious; and each of +us drank the toast, ‘Our love at parting.’ The +colonel drank his wine last; and it got into my head directly +that it got into his directly. Anyhow, his eyes rolled +immediately after he had turned the glass upside down; and he +took me on one side and proposed in a hoarse whisper, that we +should ‘Cut ‘em out still.’</p> +<p>‘How did he mean?’ I asked my lawless friend.</p> +<p>‘Cut our brides out,’ said the colonel, ‘and +then cut our way, without going down a single turning, bang to +the Spanish main!’</p> +<p>We might have tried it, though I didn’t think it would +answer; only we looked round and saw that there was nothing but +moon-light under the willow-tree, and that our pretty, pretty +wives were gone. We burst out crying. The colonel +gave in second, and came to first; but he gave in strong.</p> +<p>We were ashamed of our red eyes, and hung about for +half-an-hour to whiten them. Likewise a piece of chalk +round the rims, I doing the colonel’s, and he mine, but +afterwards found in the bedroom looking-glass not natural, +besides inflammation. Our conversation turned on being +ninety. The colonel told me he had a pair of boots that +wanted soling and heeling; but he thought it hardly worth while +to mention it to his father, as he himself should so soon be +ninety, when he thought shoes would be more convenient. The +colonel also told me, with his hand upon his hip, that he felt +himself already getting on in life, and turning rheumatic. +And I told him the same. And when they said at our house at +supper (they are always bothering about something) that I +stooped, I felt so glad!</p> +<p>This is the end of the beginning-part that you were to believe +most.</p> +<h2>PART II.<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF MISS ALICE +RAINBIRD</span> <a name="citation258"></a><a href="#footnote258" +class="citation">[258]</a></h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was once a king, and he had a +queen; and he was the manliest of his sex, and she was the +loveliest of hers. The king was, in his private profession, +under government. The queen’s father had been a +medical man out of town.</p> +<p>They had nineteen children, and were always having more. +Seventeen of these children took care of the baby; and Alicia, +the eldest, took care of them all. Their ages varied from +seven years to seven months.</p> +<p>Let us now resume our story.</p> +<p>One day the king was going to the office, when he stopped at +the fishmonger’s to buy a pound and a half of salmon not +too near the tail, which the queen (who was a careful +housekeeper) had requested him to send home. Mr. Pickles, +the fishmonger, said, ‘Certainly, sir; is there any other +article? Good-morning.’</p> +<p>The king went on towards the office in a melancholy mood; for +quarter-day was such a long way off, and several of the dear +children were growing out of their clothes. He had not +proceeded far, when Mr. Pickles’s errand-boy came running +after him, and said, ‘Sir, you didn’t notice the old +lady in our shop.’</p> +<p>‘What old lady?’ inquired the king. ‘I +saw none.’</p> +<p>Now the king had not seen any old lady, because this old lady +had been invisible to him, though visible to Mr. Pickles’s +boy. Probably because he messed and splashed the water +about to that degree, and flopped the pairs of soles down in that +violent manner, that, if she had not been visible to him, he +would have spoilt her clothes.</p> +<p>Just then the old lady came trotting up. She was dressed +in shot-silk of the richest quality, smelling of dried +lavender.</p> +<p>‘King Watkins the First, I believe?’ said the old +lady.</p> +<p>‘Watkins,’ replied the king, ‘is my +name.’</p> +<p>‘Papa, if I am not mistaken, of the beautiful Princess +Alicia?’ said the old lady.</p> +<p>‘And of eighteen other darlings,’ replied the +king.</p> +<p>‘Listen. You are going to the office,’ said +the old lady.</p> +<p>It instantly flashed upon the king that she must be a fairy, +or how could she know that?</p> +<p>‘You are right,’ said the old lady, answering his +thoughts. ‘I am the good Fairy Grandmarina. +Attend! When you return home to dinner, politely invite the +Princess Alicia to have some of the salmon you bought just +now.’</p> +<p>‘It may disagree with her,’ said the king.</p> +<p>The old lady became so very angry at this absurd idea, that +the king was quite alarmed, and humbly begged her pardon.</p> +<p>‘We hear a great deal too much about this thing +disagreeing, and that thing disagreeing,’ said the old +lady, with the greatest contempt it was possible to +express. ‘Don’t be greedy. I think you +want it all yourself.’</p> +<p>The king hung his head under this reproof, and said he +wouldn’t talk about things disagreeing any more.</p> +<p>‘Be good, then,’ said the Fairy Grandmarina, +‘and don’t. When the beautiful Princess Alicia +consents to partake of the salmon,—as I think she +will,—you will find she will leave a fish-bone on her +plate. Tell her to dry it, and to rub it, and to polish it +till it shines like mother-of-pearl, and to take care of it as a +present from me.’</p> +<p>‘Is that all?’ asked the king.</p> +<p>‘Don’t be impatient, sir,’ returned the +Fairy Grandmarina, scolding him severely. +‘Don’t catch people short, before they have done +speaking. Just the way with you grown-up persons. You +are always doing it.’</p> +<p>The king again hung his head, and said he wouldn’t do so +any more.</p> +<p>‘Be good, then,’ said the Fairy Grandmarina, +‘and don’t! Tell the Princess Alicia, with my +love, that the fish-bone is a magic present which can only be +used once; but that it will bring her, that once, whatever she +wishes for, <span class="GutSmall">PROVIDED SHE WISHES FOR IT AT +THE RIGHT TIME</span>. That is the message. Take care +of it.’</p> +<p>The king was beginning, ‘Might I ask the reason?’ +when the fairy became absolutely furious.</p> +<p>‘<i>Will</i> you be good, sir?’ she exclaimed, +stamping her foot on the ground. ‘The reason for +this, and the reason for that, indeed! You are always +wanting the reason. No reason. There! Hoity +toity me! I am sick of your grown-up reasons.’</p> +<p>The king was extremely frightened by the old lady’s +flying into such a passion, and said he was very sorry to have +offended her, and he wouldn’t ask for reasons any more.</p> +<p>‘Be good, then,’ said the old lady, ‘and +don’t!’</p> +<p>With those words, Grandmarina vanished, and the king went on +and on and on, till he came to the office. There he wrote +and wrote and wrote, till it was time to go home again. +Then he politely invited the Princess Alicia, as the fairy had +directed him, to partake of the salmon. And when she had +enjoyed it very much, he saw the fish-bone on her plate, as the +fairy had told him he would, and he delivered the fairy’s +message, and the Princess Alicia took care to dry the bone, and +to rub it, and to polish it, till it shone like +mother-of-pearl.</p> +<p>And so, when the queen was going to get up in the morning, she +said, ‘O, dear me, dear me; my head, my head!’ and +then she fainted away.</p> +<p>The Princess Alicia, who happened to be looking in at the +chamber-door, asking about breakfast, was very much alarmed when +she saw her royal mamma in this state, and she rang the bell for +Peggy, which was the name of the lord chamberlain. But +remembering where the smelling-bottle was, she climbed on a chair +and got it; and after that she climbed on another chair by the +bedside, and held the smelling-bottle to the queen’s nose; +and after that she jumped down and got some water; and after that +she jumped up again and wetted the queen’s forehead; and, +in short, when the lord chamberlain came in, that dear old woman +said to the little princess, ‘What a trot you are! I +couldn’t have done it better myself!’</p> +<p>But that was not the worst of the good queen’s +illness. O, no! She was very ill indeed, for a long +time. The Princess Alicia kept the seventeen young princes +and princesses quiet, and dressed and undressed and danced the +baby, and made the kettle boil, and heated the soup, and swept +the hearth, and poured out the medicine, and nursed the queen, +and did all that ever she could, and was as busy, busy, busy as +busy could be; for there were not many servants at that palace +for three reasons: because the king was short of money, because a +rise in his office never seemed to come, and because quarter-day +was so far off that it looked almost as far off and as little as +one of the stars.</p> +<p>But on the morning when the queen fainted away, where was the +magic fish-bone? Why, there it was in the Princess +Alicia’s pocket! She had almost taken it out to bring +the queen to life again, when she put it back, and looked for the +smelling-bottle.</p> +<p>After the queen had come out of her swoon that morning, and +was dozing, the Princess Alicia hurried up-stairs to tell a most +particular secret to a most particularly confidential friend of +hers, who was a duchess. People did suppose her to be a +doll; but she was really a duchess, though nobody knew it except +the princess.</p> +<p>This most particular secret was the secret about the magic +fish-bone, the history of which was well known to the duchess, +because the princess told her everything. The princess +kneeled down by the bed on which the duchess was lying, +full-dressed and wide awake, and whispered the secret to +her. The duchess smiled and nodded. People might have +supposed that she never smiled and nodded; but she often did, +though nobody knew it except the princess.</p> +<p>Then the Princess Alicia hurried down-stairs again, to keep +watch in the queen’s room. She often kept watch by +herself in the queen’s room; but every evening, while the +illness lasted, she sat there watching with the king. And +every evening the king sat looking at her with a cross look, +wondering why she never brought out the magic fish-bone. As +often as she noticed this, she ran up-stairs, whispered the +secret to the duchess over again, and said to the duchess +besides, ‘They think we children never have a reason or a +meaning!’ And the duchess, though the most +fashionable duchess that ever was heard of, winked her eye.</p> +<p>‘Alicia,’ said the king, one evening, when she +wished him good-night.</p> +<p>‘Yes, papa.’</p> +<p>‘What is become of the magic fish-bone?’</p> +<p>‘In my pocket, papa!’</p> +<p>‘I thought you had lost it?’</p> +<p>‘O, no, papa!’</p> +<p>‘Or forgotten it?’</p> +<p>‘No, indeed, papa.’</p> +<p>And so another time the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, next +door, made a rush at one of the young princes as he stood on the +steps coming home from school, and terrified him out of his wits; +and he put his hand through a pane of glass, and bled, bled, +bled. When the seventeen other young princes and princesses +saw him bleed, bleed, bleed, they were terrified out of their +wits too, and screamed themselves black in their seventeen faces +all at once. But the Princess Alicia put her hands over all +their seventeen mouths, one after another, and persuaded them to +be quiet because of the sick queen. And then she put the +wounded prince’s hand in a basin of fresh cold water, while +they stared with their twice seventeen are thirty-four, put down +four and carry three, eyes, and then she looked in the hand for +bits of glass, and there were fortunately no bits of glass +there. And then she said to two chubby-legged princes, who +were sturdy though small, ‘Bring me in the royal rag-bag: I +must snip and stitch and cut and contrive.’ So these +two young princes tugged at the royal rag-bag, and lugged it in; +and the Princess Alicia sat down on the floor, with a large pair +of scissors and a needle and thread, and snipped and stitched and +cut and contrived, and made a bandage, and put it on, and it +fitted beautifully; and so when it was all done, she saw the king +her papa looking on by the door.</p> +<p>‘Alicia.’</p> +<p>‘Yes, papa.’</p> +<p>‘What have you been doing?’</p> +<p>‘Snipping, stitching, cutting, and contriving, +papa.’</p> +<p>‘Where is the magic fish-bone?’</p> +<p>‘In my pocket, papa.’</p> +<p>‘I thought you had lost it?’</p> +<p>‘O, no, papa.’</p> +<p>‘Or forgotten it?’</p> +<p>‘No, indeed, papa.’</p> +<p>After that, she ran up-stairs to the duchess, and told her +what had passed, and told her the secret over again; and the +duchess shook her flaxen curls, and laughed with her rosy +lips.</p> +<p>Well! and so another time the baby fell under the grate. +The seventeen young princes and princesses were used to it; for +they were almost always falling under the grate or down the +stairs; but the baby was not used to it yet, and it gave him a +swelled face and a black eye. The way the poor little +darling came to tumble was, that he was out of the Princess +Alicia’s lap just as she was sitting, in a great coarse +apron that quite smothered her, in front of the kitchen-fire, +beginning to peel the turnips for the broth for dinner; and the +way she came to be doing that was, that the king’s cook had +run away that morning with her own true love, who was a very tall +but very tipsy soldier. Then the seventeen young princes +and princesses, who cried at everything that happened, cried and +roared. But the Princess Alicia (who couldn’t help +crying a little herself) quietly called to them to be still, on +account of not throwing back the queen up-stairs, who was fast +getting well, and said, ‘Hold your tongues, you wicked +little monkeys, every one of you, while I examine +baby!’ Then she examined baby, and found that he +hadn’t broken anything; and she held cold iron to his poor +dear eye, and smoothed his poor dear face, and he presently fell +asleep in her arms. Then she said to the seventeen princes +and princesses, ‘I am afraid to let him down yet, lest he +should wake and feel pain; be good, and you shall all be +cooks.’ They jumped for joy when they heard that, and +began making themselves cooks’ caps out of old +newspapers. So to one she gave the salt-box, and to one she +gave the barley, and to one she gave the herbs, and to one she +gave the turnips, and to one she gave the carrots, and to one she +gave the onions, and to one she gave the spice-box, till they +were all cooks, and all running about at work, she sitting in the +middle, smothered in the great coarse apron, nursing baby. +By and by the broth was done; and the baby woke up, smiling, like +an angel, and was trusted to the sedatest princess to hold, while +the other princes and princesses were squeezed into a far-off +corner to look at the Princess Alicia turning out the saucepanful +of broth, for fear (as they were always getting into trouble) +they should get splashed and scalded. When the broth came +tumbling out, steaming beautifully, and smelling like a nosegay +good to eat, they clapped their hands. That made the baby +clap his hands; and that, and his looking as if he had a comic +toothache, made all the princes and princesses laugh. So +the Princess Alicia said, ‘Laugh and be good; and after +dinner we will make him a nest on the floor in a corner, and he +shall sit in his nest and see a dance of eighteen +cooks.’ That delighted the young princes and +princesses, and they ate up all the broth, and washed up all the +plates and dishes, and cleared away, and pushed the table into a +corner; and then they in their cooks’ caps, and the +Princess Alicia in the smothering coarse apron that belonged to +the cook that had run away with her own true love that was the +very tall but very tipsy soldier, danced a dance of eighteen +cooks before the angelic baby, who forgot his swelled face and +his black eye, and crowed with joy.</p> +<p>And so then, once more the Princess Alicia saw King Watkins +the First, her father, standing in the doorway looking on, and he +said, ‘What have you been doing, Alicia?’</p> +<p>‘Cooking and contriving, papa.’</p> +<p>‘What else have you been doing, Alicia?’</p> +<p>‘Keeping the children light-hearted, papa.’</p> +<p>‘Where is the magic fish-bone, Alicia?</p> +<p>‘In my pocket, papa.’</p> +<p>‘I thought you had lost it?’</p> +<p>‘O, no, papa!’</p> +<p>‘Or forgotten it?’</p> +<p>‘No, indeed, papa.’</p> +<p>The king then sighed so heavily, and seemed so low-spirited, +and sat down so miserably, leaning his head upon his hand, and +his elbow upon the kitchen-table pushed away in the corner, that +the seventeen princes and princesses crept softly out of the +kitchen, and left him alone with the Princess Alicia and the +angelic baby.</p> +<p>‘What is the matter, papa?’</p> +<p>‘I am dreadfully poor, my child.’</p> +<p>‘Have you no money at all, papa?’</p> +<p>‘None, my child.’</p> +<p>‘Is there no way of getting any, papa?’</p> +<p>‘No way,’ said the king. ‘I have tried +very hard, and I have tried all ways.’</p> +<p>When she heard those last words, the Princess Alicia began to +put her hand into the pocket where she kept the magic +fish-bone.</p> +<p>‘Papa,’ said she, ‘when we have tried very +hard, and tried all ways, we must have done our very, very +best?’</p> +<p>‘No doubt, Alicia.’</p> +<p>‘When we have done our very, very best, papa, and that +is not enough, then I think the right time must have come for +asking help of others.’ This was the very secret +connected with the magic fish-bone, which she had found out for +herself from the good Fairy Grandmarina’s words, and which +she had so often whispered to her beautiful and fashionable +friend, the duchess.</p> +<p>So she took out of her pocket the magic fish-bone, that had +been dried and rubbed and polished till it shone like +mother-of-pearl; and she gave it one little kiss, and wished it +was quarter-day. And immediately it <i>was</i> quarter-day; +and the king’s quarter’s salary came rattling down +the chimney, and bounced into the middle of the floor.</p> +<p>But this was not half of what happened,—no, not a +quarter; for immediately afterwards the good Fairy Grandmarina +came riding in, in a carriage and four (peacocks), with Mr. +Pickles’s boy up behind, dressed in silver and gold, with a +cocked-hat, powdered-hair, pink silk stockings, a jewelled cane, +and a nosegay. Down jumped Mr. Pickles’s boy, with +his cocked-hat in his hand, and wonderfully polite (being +entirely changed by enchantment), and handed Grandmarina out; and +there she stood, in her rich shot-silk smelling of dried +lavender, fanning herself with a sparkling fan.</p> +<p>‘Alicia, my dear,’ said this charming old fairy, +‘how do you do? I hope I see you pretty well? +Give me a kiss.’</p> +<p>The Princess Alicia embraced her; and then Grandmarina turned +to the king, and said rather sharply, ‘Are you +good?’ The king said he hoped so.</p> +<p>‘I suppose you know the reason <i>now</i>, why my +god-daughter here,’ kissing the princess again, ‘did +not apply to the fish-bone sooner?’ said the fairy.</p> +<p>The king made a shy bow.</p> +<p>‘Ah! but you didn’t <i>then</i>?’ said the +fairy.</p> +<p>The king made a shyer bow.</p> +<p>‘Any more reasons to ask for?’ said the fairy.</p> +<p>The king said, No, and he was very sorry.</p> +<p>‘Be good, then,’ said the fairy, ‘and live +happy ever afterwards.’</p> +<p>Then Grandmarina waved her fan, and the queen came in most +splendidly dressed; and the seventeen young princes and +princesses, no longer grown out of their clothes, came in, newly +fitted out from top to toe, with tucks in everything to admit of +its being let out. After that, the fairy tapped the +Princess Alicia with her fan; and the smothering coarse apron +flew away, and she appeared exquisitely dressed, like a little +bride, with a wreath of orange-flowers and a silver veil. +After that, the kitchen dresser changed of itself into a +wardrobe, made of beautiful woods and gold and looking glass, +which was full of dresses of all sorts, all for her and all +exactly fitting her. After that, the angelic baby came in, +running alone, with his face and eye not a bit the worse, but +much the better. Then Grandmarina begged to be introduced +to the duchess; and, when the duchess was brought down, many +compliments passed between them.</p> +<p>A little whispering took place between the fairy and the +duchess; and then the fairy said out loud, ‘Yes, I thought +she would have told you.’ Grandmarina then turned to +the king and queen, and said, ‘We are going in search of +Prince Certainpersonio. The pleasure of your company is +requested at church in half an hour precisely.’ So +she and the Princess Alicia got into the carriage; and Mr. +Pickles’s boy handed in the duchess, who sat by herself on +the opposite seat; and then Mr. Pickles’s boy put up the +steps and got up behind, and the peacocks flew away with their +tails behind.</p> +<p>Prince Certainpersonio was sitting by himself, eating +barley-sugar, and waiting to be ninety. When he saw the +peacocks, followed by the carriage, coming in at the window it +immediately occurred to him that something uncommon was going to +happen.</p> +<p>‘Prince,’ said Grandmarina, ‘I bring you +your bride.’ The moment the fairy said those words, +Prince Certainpersonio’s face left off being sticky, and +his jacket and corduroys changed to peach-bloom velvet, and his +hair curled, and a cap and feather flew in like a bird and +settled on his head. He got into the carriage by the +fairy’s invitation; and there he renewed his acquaintance +with the duchess, whom he had seen before.</p> +<p>In the church were the prince’s relations and friends, +and the Princess Alicia’s relations and friends, and the +seventeen princes and princesses, and the baby, and a crowd of +the neighbours. The marriage was beautiful beyond +expression. The duchess was bridesmaid, and beheld the +ceremony from the pulpit, where she was supported by the cushion +of the desk.</p> +<p>Grandmarina gave a magnificent wedding-feast afterwards, in +which there was everything and more to eat, and everything and +more to drink. The wedding-cake was delicately ornamented +with white satin ribbons, frosted silver, and white lilies, and +was forty-two yards round.</p> +<p>When Grandmarina had drunk her love to the young couple, and +Prince Certainpersonio had made a speech, and everybody had +cried, Hip, hip, hip, hurrah! Grandmarina announced to the king +and queen that in future there would be eight quarter-days in +every year, except in leap-year, when there would be ten. +She then turned to Certainpersonio and Alicia, and said, +‘My dears, you will have thirty-five children, and they +will all be good and beautiful. Seventeen of your children +will be boys, and eighteen will be girls. The hair of the +whole of your children will curl naturally. They will never +have the measles, and will have recovered from the whooping-cough +before being born.’</p> +<p>On hearing such good news, everybody cried out ‘Hip, +hip, hip, hurrah!’ again.</p> +<p>‘It only remains,’ said Grandmarina in conclusion, +‘to make an end of the fish-bone.’</p> +<p>So she took it from the hand of the Princess Alicia, and it +instantly flew down the throat of the dreadful little snapping +pug-dog, next door, and choked him, and he expired in +convulsions.</p> +<h2>PART III.<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF LIEUT.-COL. +ROBIN REDFORTH</span> <a name="citation266"></a><a +href="#footnote266" class="citation">[266]</a></h2> +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> subject of our present +narrative would appear to have devoted himself to the pirate +profession at a comparatively early age. We find him in +command of a splendid schooner of one hundred guns loaded to the +muzzle, ere yet he had had a party in honour of his tenth +birthday.</p> +<p>It seems that our hero, considering himself spited by a +Latin-grammar master, demanded the satisfaction due from one man +of honour to another.—Not getting it, he privately withdrew +his haughty spirit from such low company, bought a second-hand +pocket-pistol, folded up some sandwiches in a paper bag, made a +bottle of Spanish liquorice-water, and entered on a career of +valour.</p> +<p>It were tedious to follow Boldheart (for such was his name) +through the commencing stages of his story. Suffice it, +that we find him bearing the rank of Capt. Boldheart, reclining +in full uniform on a crimson hearth-rug spread out upon the +quarter-deck of his schooner ‘The Beauty,’ in the +China seas. It was a lovely evening; and, as his crew lay +grouped about him, he favoured them with the following +melody:</p> +<blockquote><p>O landsmen are folly!<br /> +O pirates are jolly!<br /> +O diddleum Dolly,<br /> + + +Di!</p> + +<p> <i>Chorus</i>.—Heave +yo.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The soothing effect of these animated sounds floating over the +waters, as the common sailors united their rough voices to take +up the rich tones of Boldheart, may be more easily conceived than +described.</p> +<p>It was under these circumstances that the look-out at the +masthead gave the word, ‘Whales!’</p> +<p>All was now activity.</p> +<p>‘Where away?’ cried Capt. Boldheart, starting +up.</p> +<p>‘On the larboard bow, sir,’ replied the fellow at +the masthead, touching his hat. For such was the height of +discipline on board of ‘The Beauty,’ that, even at +that height, he was obliged to mind it, or be shot through the +head.</p> +<p>‘This adventure belongs to me,’ said +Boldheart. ‘Boy, my harpoon. Let no man +follow;’ and leaping alone into his boat, the captain rowed +with admirable dexterity in the direction of the monster.</p> +<p>All was now excitement.</p> +<p>‘He nears him!’ said an elderly seaman, following +the captain through his spy-glass.</p> +<p>‘He strikes him!’ said another seaman, a mere +stripling, but also with a spy-glass.</p> +<p>‘He tows him towards us!’ said another seaman, a +man in the full vigour of life, but also with a spy-glass.</p> +<p>In fact, the captain was seen approaching, with the huge bulk +following. We will not dwell on the deafening cries of +‘Boldheart! Boldheart!’ with which he was received, +when, carelessly leaping on the quarter-deck, he presented his +prize to his men. They afterwards made two thousand four +hundred and seventeen pound ten and sixpence by it.</p> +<p>Ordering the sail to be braced up, the captain now stood +W.N.W. ‘The Beauty’ flew rather than floated +over the dark blue waters. Nothing particular occurred for +a fortnight, except taking, with considerable slaughter, four +Spanish galleons, and a snow from South America, all richly +laden. Inaction began to tell upon the spirits of the +men. Capt. Boldheart called all hands aft, and said, +‘My lads, I hear there are discontented ones among +ye. Let any such stand forth.’</p> +<p>After some murmuring, in which the expressions, ‘Ay, ay, +sir!’ ‘Union Jack,’ ‘Avast,’ +‘Starboard,’ ‘Port,’ +‘Bowsprit,’ and similar indications of a mutinous +undercurrent, though subdued, were audible, Bill Boozey, captain +of the foretop, came out from the rest. His form was that +of a giant, but he quailed under the captain’s eye.</p> +<p>‘What are your wrongs?’ said the captain.</p> +<p>‘Why, d’ye see, Capt. Boldheart,’ replied +the towering manner, ‘I’ve sailed, man and boy, for +many a year, but I never yet know’d the milk served out for +the ship’s company’s teas to be so sour as ‘tis +aboard this craft.’</p> +<p>At this moment the thrilling cry, ‘Man overboard!’ +announced to the astonished crew that Boozey, in stepping back, +as the captain (in mere thoughtfulness) laid his hand upon the +faithful pocket-pistol which he wore in his belt, had lost his +balance, and was struggling with the foaming tide.</p> +<p>All was now stupefaction.</p> +<p>But with Capt. Boldheart, to throw off his uniform coat, +regardless of the various rich orders with which it was +decorated, and to plunge into the sea after the drowning giant, +was the work of a moment. Maddening was the excitement when +boats were lowered; intense the joy when the captain was seen +holding up the drowning man with his teeth; deafening the +cheering when both were restored to the main deck of ‘The +Beauty.’ And, from the instant of his changing his +wet clothes for dry ones, Capt. Boldheart had no such devoted +though humble friend as William Boozey.</p> +<p>Boldheart now pointed to the horizon, and called the attention +of his crew to the taper spars of a ship lying snug in harbour +under the guns of a fort.</p> +<p>‘She shall be ours at sunrise,’ said he. +‘Serve out a double allowance of grog, and prepare for +action.’</p> +<p>All was now preparation.</p> +<p>When morning dawned, after a sleepless night, it was seen that +the stranger was crowding on all sail to come out of the harbour +and offer battle. As the two ships came nearer to each +other, the stranger fired a gun and hoisted Roman colours. +Boldheart then perceived her to be the Latin-grammar +master’s bark. Such indeed she was, and had been +tacking about the world in unavailing pursuit, from the time of +his first taking to a roving life.</p> +<p>Boldheart now addressed his men, promising to blow them up if +he should feel convinced that their reputation required it, and +giving orders that the Latin-grammar master should be taken +alive. He then dismissed them to their quarters, and the +fight began with a broadside from ‘The Beauty.’ +She then veered around, and poured in another. ‘The +Scorpion’ (so was the bark of the Latin-grammar master +appropriately called) was not slow to return her fire; and a +terrific cannonading ensued, in which the guns of ‘The +Beauty’ did tremendous execution.</p> +<p>The Latin-grammar master was seen upon the poop, in the midst +of the smoke and fire, encouraging his men. To do him +justice, he was no craven, though his white hat, his short gray +trousers, and his long snuff-coloured surtout reaching to his +heels (the self-same coat in which he had spited Boldheart), +contrasted most unfavourably with the brilliant uniform of the +latter. At this moment, Boldheart, seizing a pike and +putting himself at the head of his men, gave the word to +board.</p> +<p>A desperate conflict ensued in the hammock-nettings,—or +somewhere in about that direction,—until the Latin-grammar +master, having all his masts gone, his hull and rigging shot +through, and seeing Boldheart slashing a path towards him, hauled +down his flag himself, gave up his sword to Boldheart, and asked +for quarter. Scarce had he been put into the +captain’s boat, ere ‘The Scorpion’ went down +with all on board.</p> +<p>On Capt. Boldheart’s now assembling his men, a +circumstance occurred. He found it necessary with one blow +of his cutlass to kill the cook, who, having lost his brother in +the late action, was making at the Latin-grammar master in an +infuriated state, intent on his destruction with a +carving-knife.</p> +<p>Capt. Boldheart then turned to the Latin-grammar master, +severely reproaching him with his perfidy, and put it to his crew +what they considered that a master who spited a boy deserved.</p> +<p>They answered with one voice, ‘Death.’</p> +<p>‘It may be so,’ said the captain; ‘but it +shall never be said that Boldheart stained his hour of triumph +with the blood of his enemy. Prepare the cutter.’</p> +<p>The cutter was immediately prepared.</p> +<p>‘Without taking your life,’ said the captain, +‘I must yet for ever deprive you of the power of spiting +other boys. I shall turn you adrift in this boat. You +will find in her two oars, a compass, a bottle of rum, a small +cask of water, a piece of pork, a bag of biscuit, and my Latin +grammar. Go! and spite the natives, if you can find +any.’</p> +<p>Deeply conscious of this bitter sarcasm, the unhappy wretch +was put into the cutter, and was soon left far behind. He +made no effort to row, but was seen lying on his back with his +legs up, when last made out by the ship’s telescopes.</p> +<p>A stiff breeze now beginning to blow, Capt. Boldheart gave +orders to keep her S.S.W., easing her a little during the night +by falling off a point or two W. by W., or even by W.S., if she +complained much. He then retired for the night, having in +truth much need of repose. In addition to the fatigues he +had undergone, this brave officer had received sixteen wounds in +the engagement, but had not mentioned it.</p> +<p>In the morning a white squall came on, and was succeeded by +other squalls of various colours. It thundered and +lightened heavily for six weeks. Hurricanes then set in for +two months. Waterspouts and tornadoes followed. The +oldest sailor on board—and he was a very old one—had +never seen such weather. ‘The Beauty’ lost all +idea where she was, and the carpenter reported six feet two of +water in the hold. Everybody fell senseless at the pumps +every day.</p> +<p>Provisions now ran very low. Our hero put the crew on +short allowance, and put himself on shorter allowance than any +man in the ship. But his spirit kept him fat. In this +extremity, the gratitude of Boozey, the captain of the foretop, +whom our readers may remember, was truly affecting. The +loving though lowly William repeatedly requested to be killed, +and preserved for the captain’s table.</p> +<p>We now approach a change of affairs. One day during a +gleam of sunshine, and when the weather had moderated, the man at +the masthead—too weak now to touch his hat, besides its +having been blown away—called out,</p> +<p>‘Savages!’</p> +<p>All was now expectation.</p> +<p>Presently fifteen hundred canoes, each paddled by twenty +savages, were seen advancing in excellent order. They were +of a light green colour (the savages were), and sang, with great +energy, the following strain:</p> +<blockquote><p>Choo a choo a choo tooth.<br /> + Muntch, muntch. Nycey!<br /> +Choo a choo a choo tooth.<br /> + Muntch, muntch. Nycey!</p> +</blockquote> +<p>As the shades of night were by this time closing in, these +expressions were supposed to embody this simple people’s +views of the evening hymn. But it too soon appeared that +the song was a translation of ‘For what we are going to +receive,’ &c.</p> +<p>The chief, imposingly decorated with feathers of lively +colours, and having the majestic appearance of a fighting parrot, +no sooner understood (he understood English perfectly) that the +ship was ‘The Beauty,’ Capt. Boldheart, than he fell +upon his face on the deck, and could not be persuaded to rise +until the captain had lifted him up, and told him he +wouldn’t hurt him. All the rest of the savages also +fell on their faces with marks of terror, and had also to be +lifted up one by one. Thus the fame of the great Boldheart +had gone before him, even among these children of Nature.</p> +<p>Turtles and oysters were now produced in astonishing numbers; +and on these and yams the people made a hearty meal. After +dinner the chief told Capt. Boldheart that there was better +feeding up at the village, and that he would be glad to take him +and his officers there. Apprehensive of treachery, +Boldheart ordered his boat’s crew to attend him completely +armed. And well were it for other commanders if their +precautions—but let us not anticipate.</p> +<p>When the canoes arrived at the beach, the darkness of the +night was illumined by the light of an immense fire. +Ordering his boat’s crew (with the intrepid though +illiterate William at their head) to keep close and be upon their +guard, Boldheart bravely went on, arm in arm with the chief.</p> +<p>But how to depict the captain’s surprise when he found a +ring of savages singing in chorus that barbarous translation of +‘For what we are going to receive,’ &c., which +has been given above, and dancing hand in hand round the +Latin-grammar master, in a hamper with his head shaved, while two +savages floured him, before putting him to the fire to be +cooked!</p> +<p>Boldheart now took counsel with his officers on the course to +be adopted. In the mean time, the miserable captive never +ceased begging pardon and imploring to be delivered. On the +generous Boldheart’s proposal, it was at length resolved +that he should not be cooked, but should be allowed to remain +raw, on two conditions, namely:</p> +<p>1. That he should never, under any circumstances, presume to +teach any boy anything any more.</p> +<p>2. That, if taken back to England, he should pass his life in +travelling to find out boys who wanted their exercises done, and +should do their exercises for those boys for nothing, and never +say a word about it.</p> +<p>Drawing the sword from its sheath, Boldheart swore him to +these conditions on its shining blade. The prisoner wept +bitterly, and appeared acutely to feel the errors of his past +career.</p> +<p>The captain then ordered his boat’s crew to make ready +for a volley, and after firing to re-load quickly. +‘And expect a score or two on ye to go head over +heels,’ murmured William Boozey; ‘for I’m +a-looking at ye.’ With those words, the derisive +though deadly William took a good aim.</p> +<p>‘Fire!’</p> +<p>The ringing voice of Boldheart was lost in the report of the +guns and the screeching of the savages. Volley after volley +awakened the numerous echoes. Hundreds of savages were +killed, hundreds wounded, and thousands ran howling into the +woods. The Latin-grammar master had a spare night-cap lent +him, and a long-tail coat, which he wore hind side before. +He presented a ludicrous though pitiable appearance, and serve +him right.</p> +<p>We now find Capt. Boldheart, with this rescued wretch on +board, standing off for other islands. At one of these, not +a cannibal island, but a pork and vegetable one, he married (only +in fun on his part) the king’s daughter. Here he +rested some time, receiving from the natives great quantities of +precious stones, gold dust, elephants’ teeth, and sandal +wood, and getting very rich. This, too, though he almost +every day made presents of enormous value to his men.</p> +<p>The ship being at length as full as she could hold of all +sorts of valuable things, Boldheart gave orders to weigh the +anchor, and turn ‘The Beauty’s’ head towards +England. These orders were obeyed with three cheers; and +ere the sun went down full many a hornpipe had been danced on +deck by the uncouth though agile William.</p> +<p>We next find Capt. Boldheart about three leagues off Madeira, +surveying through his spy-glass a stranger of suspicious +appearance making sail towards him. On his firing a gun +ahead of her to bring her to, she ran up a flag, which he +instantly recognised as the flag from the mast in the back-garden +at home.</p> +<p>Inferring from this, that his father had put to sea to seek +his long-lost son, the captain sent his own boat on board the +stranger to inquire if this was so, and, if so, whether his +father’s intentions were strictly honourable. The +boat came back with a present of greens and fresh meat, and +reported that the stranger was ‘The Family,’ of +twelve hundred tons, and had not only the captain’s father +on board, but also his mother, with the majority of his aunts and +uncles, and all his cousins. It was further reported to +Boldheart that the whole of these relations had expressed +themselves in a becoming manner, and were anxious to embrace him +and thank him for the glorious credit he had done them. +Boldheart at once invited them to breakfast next morning on board +‘The Beauty,’ and gave orders for a brilliant ball +that should last all day.</p> +<p>It was in the course of the night that the captain discovered +the hopelessness of reclaiming the Latin-grammar master. +That thankless traitor was found out, as the two ships lay near +each other, communicating with ‘The Family’ by +signals, and offering to give up Boldheart. He was hanged +at the yard-arm the first thing in the morning, after having it +impressively pointed out to him by Boldheart that this was what +spiters came to.</p> +<p>The meeting between the captain and his parents was attended +with tears. His uncles and aunts would have attended their +meeting with tears too, but he wasn’t going to stand +that. His cousins were very much astonished by the size of +his ship and the discipline of his men, and were greatly overcome +by the splendour of his uniform. He kindly conducted them +round the vessel, and pointed out everything worthy of +notice. He also fired his hundred guns, and found it +amusing to witness their alarm.</p> +<p>The entertainment surpassed everything ever seen on board +ship, and lasted from ten in the morning until seven the next +morning. Only one disagreeable incident occurred. +Capt. Boldheart found himself obliged to put his cousin Tom in +irons, for being disrespectful. On the boy’s +promising amendment, however, he was humanely released after a +few hours’ close confinement.</p> +<p>Boldheart now took his mother down into the great cabin, and +asked after the young lady with whom, it was well known to the +world, he was in love. His mother replied that the object +of his affections was then at school at Margate, for the benefit +of sea-bathing (it was the month of September), but that she +feared the young lady’s friends were still opposed to the +union. Boldheart at once resolved, if necessary, to bombard +the town.</p> +<p>Taking the command of his ship with this intention, and +putting all but fighting men on board ‘The Family,’ +with orders to that vessel to keep in company, Boldheart soon +anchored in Margate Roads. Here he went ashore well-armed, +and attended by his boat’s crew (at their head the faithful +though ferocious William), and demanded to see the mayor, who +came out of his office.</p> +<p>‘Dost know the name of yon ship, mayor?’ asked +Boldheart fiercely.</p> +<p>‘No,’ said the mayor, rubbing his eyes, which he +could scarce believe, when he saw the goodly vessel riding at +anchor.</p> +<p>‘She is named “The Beauty,”’ said the +captain.</p> +<p>‘Hah!’ exclaimed the mayor, with a start. +‘And you, then, are Capt. Boldheart?’</p> +<p>‘The same.’</p> +<p>A pause ensued. The mayor trembled.</p> +<p>‘Now, mayor,’ said the captain, +‘choose! Help me to my bride, or be +bombarded.’</p> +<p>The mayor begged for two hours’ grace, in which to make +inquiries respecting the young lady. Boldheart accorded him +but one; and during that one placed William Boozey sentry over +him, with a drawn sword, and instructions to accompany him +wherever he went, and to run him through the body if he showed a +sign of playing false.</p> +<p>At the end of the hour the mayor re-appeared more dead than +alive, closely waited on by Boozey more alive than dead.</p> +<p>‘Captain,’ said the mayor, ‘I have +ascertained that the young lady is going to bathe. Even now +she waits her turn for a machine. The tide is low, though +rising. I, in one of our town-boats, shall not be +suspected. When she comes forth in her bathing-dress into +the shallow water from behind the hood of the machine, my boat +shall intercept her and prevent her return. Do you the +rest.’</p> +<p>‘Mayor,’ returned Capt. Boldheart, ‘thou +hast saved thy town.’</p> +<p>The captain then signalled his boat to take him off, and, +steering her himself, ordered her crew to row towards the +bathing-ground, and there to rest upon their oars. All +happened as had been arranged. His lovely bride came forth, +the mayor glided in behind her, she became confused, and had +floated out of her depth, when, with one skilful touch of the +rudder and one quivering stroke from the boat’s crew, her +adoring Boldheart held her in his strong arms. There her +shrieks of terror were changed to cries of joy.</p> +<p>Before ‘The Beauty’ could get under way, the +hoisting of all the flags in the town and harbour, and the +ringing of all the bells, announced to the brave Boldheart that +he had nothing to fear. He therefore determined to be +married on the spot, and signalled for a clergyman and clerk, who +came off promptly in a sailing-boat named ‘The +Skylark.’ Another great entertainment was then given +on board ‘The Beauty,’ in the midst of which the +mayor was called out by a messenger. He returned with the +news that government had sent down to know whether Capt. +Boldheart, in acknowledgment of the great services he had done +his country by being a pirate, would consent to be made a +lieutenant-colonel. For himself he would have spurned the +worthless boon; but his bride wished it, and he consented.</p> +<p>Only one thing further happened before the good ship +‘Family’ was dismissed, with rich presents to all on +board. It is painful to record (but such is human nature in +some cousins) that Capt. Boldheart’s unmannerly Cousin Tom +was actually tied up to receive three dozen with a rope’s +end ‘for cheekiness and making game,’ when Capt. +Boldheart’s lady begged for him, and he was spared. +‘The Beauty’ then refitted, and the captain and his +bride departed for the Indian Ocean to enjoy themselves for +evermore.</p> +<h2>PART IV.<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">ROMANCE FROM THE PEN OF MISS NETTIE +ASHFORD</span> <a name="citation274"></a><a href="#footnote274" +class="citation">[274]</a></h2> +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a country, which I will +show you when I get into maps, where the children have everything +their own way. It is a most delightful country to live +in. The grown-up people are obliged to obey the children, +and are never allowed to sit up to supper, except on their +birthdays. The children order them to make jam and jelly +and marmalade, and tarts and pies and puddings, and all manner of +pastry. If they say they won’t, they are put in the +corner till they do. They are sometimes allowed to have +some; but when they have some, they generally have powders given +them afterwards.</p> +<p>One of the inhabitants of this country, a truly sweet young +creature of the name of Mrs. Orange, had the misfortune to be +sadly plagued by her numerous family. Her parents required +a great deal of looking after, and they had connections and +companions who were scarcely ever out of mischief. So Mrs. +Orange said to herself, ‘I really cannot be troubled with +these torments any longer: I must put them all to +school.’</p> +<p>Mrs. Orange took off her pinafore, and dressed herself very +nicely, and took up her baby, and went out to call upon another +lady of the name of Mrs. Lemon, who kept a preparatory +establishment. Mrs. Orange stood upon the scraper to pull +at the bell, and give a ring-ting-ting.</p> +<p>Mrs. Lemon’s neat little housemaid, pulling up her socks +as she came along the passage, answered the ring-ting-ting.</p> +<p>‘Good-morning,’ said Mrs. Orange. +‘Fine day. How do you do? Mrs. Lemon at +home!’</p> +<p>‘Yes, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘Will you say Mrs. Orange and baby?’</p> +<p>‘Yes, ma’am. Walk in.’</p> +<p>Mrs. Orange’s baby was a very fine one, and real wax all +over. Mrs. Lemon’s baby was leather and bran. +However, when Mrs. Lemon came into the drawing-room with her baby +in her arms, Mrs. Orange said politely, +‘Good-morning. Fine day. How do you do? +And how is little Tootleumboots?’</p> +<p>‘Well, she is but poorly. Cutting her teeth, +ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon.</p> +<p>‘O, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. Orange. +‘No fits, I hope?’</p> +<p>‘No, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘How many teeth has she, ma’am?’</p> +<p>‘Five, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘My Emilia, ma’am, has eight,’ said Mrs. +Orange. ‘Shall we lay them on the mantelpiece side by +side, while we converse?’</p> +<p>‘By all means, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Lemon. ‘Hem!’</p> +<p>‘The first question is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Orange, ‘I don’t bore you?’</p> +<p>‘Not in the least, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Lemon. ‘Far from it, I assure you.’</p> +<p>‘Then pray <i>have</i> you,’ said Mrs. +Orange,—‘<i>have</i> you any vacancies?’</p> +<p>‘Yes, ma’am. How many might you +require?’</p> +<p>‘Why, the truth is, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Orange, ‘I have come to the conclusion that my +children,’—O, I forgot to say that they call the +grown-up people children in that country!—‘that my +children are getting positively too much for me. Let me +see. Two parents, two intimate friends of theirs, one +godfather, two godmothers, and an aunt. <i>Have</i> you as +many as eight vacancies?’</p> +<p>‘I have just eight, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Lemon.</p> +<p>‘Most fortunate! Terms moderate, I +think?’</p> +<p>‘Very moderate, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘Diet good, I believe?’</p> +<p>‘Excellent, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘Unlimited?’</p> +<p>‘Unlimited.’</p> +<p>‘Most satisfactory! Corporal punishment dispensed +with?’</p> +<p>‘Why, we do occasionally shake,’ said Mrs. Lemon, +‘and we have slapped. But only in extreme +cases.’</p> +<p>‘<i>Could</i> I, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Orange,—‘<i>could</i> I see the +establishment?’</p> +<p>‘With the greatest of pleasure, ma’am,’ said +Mrs. Lemon.</p> +<p>Mrs. Lemon took Mrs. Orange into the schoolroom, where there +were a number of pupils. ‘Stand up, children,’ +said Mrs. Lemon; and they all stood up.</p> +<p>Mrs. Orange whispered to Mrs. Lemon, ‘There is a pale, +bald child, with red whiskers, in disgrace. Might I ask +what he has done?’</p> +<p>‘Come here, White,’ said Mrs. Lemon, ‘and +tell this lady what you have been doing.’</p> +<p>‘Betting on horses,’ said White sulkily.</p> +<p>‘Are you sorry for it, you naughty child?’ said +Mrs. Lemon.</p> +<p>‘No,’ said White. ‘Sorry to lose, but +shouldn’t be sorry to win.’</p> +<p>‘There’s a vicious boy for you, +ma’am,’ said Mrs. Lemon. ‘Go along with +you, sir. This is Brown, Mrs. Orange. O, a sad case, +Brown’s! Never knows when he has had enough. +Greedy. How is your gout, sir?’</p> +<p>‘Bad,’ said Brown.</p> +<p>‘What else can you expect?’ said Mrs. Lemon. +‘Your stomach is the size of two. Go and take +exercise directly. Mrs. Black, come here to me. Now, +here is a child, Mrs. Orange, ma’am, who is always at +play. She can’t be kept at home a single day +together; always gadding about and spoiling her clothes. +Play, play, play, play, from morning to night, and to morning +again. How can she expect to improve?’</p> +<p>‘Don’t expect to improve,’ sulked Mrs. +Black. ‘Don’t want to.’</p> +<p>‘There is a specimen of her temper, ma’am,’ +said Mrs. Lemon. ‘To see her when she is tearing +about, neglecting everything else, you would suppose her to be at +least good-humoured. But bless you! ma’am, she is as +pert and flouncing a minx as ever you met with in all your +days!’</p> +<p>‘You must have a great deal of trouble with them, +ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.</p> +<p>‘Ah, I have, indeed, ma’am!’ said Mrs. +Lemon. ‘What with their tempers, what with their +quarrels, what with their never knowing what’s good for +them, and what with their always wanting to domineer, deliver me +from these unreasonable children!’</p> +<p>‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said +Mrs. Orange.</p> +<p>‘Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,’ said +Mrs. Lemon.</p> +<p>So Mrs. Orange took up her baby and went home, and told the +family that plagued her so that they were all going to be sent to +school. They said they didn’t want to go to school; +but she packed up their boxes, and packed them off.</p> +<p>‘O dear me, dear me! Rest and be thankful!’ +said Mrs. Orange, throwing herself back in her little +arm-chair. ‘Those troublesome troubles are got rid +of, please the pigs!’</p> +<p>Just then another lady, named Mrs. Alicumpaine, came calling +at the street-door with a ring-ting-ting.</p> +<p>‘My dear Mrs. Alicumpaine,’ said Mrs. Orange, +‘how do you do? Pray stay to dinner. We have +but a simple joint of sweet-stuff, followed by a plain dish of +bread and treacle; but, if you will take us as you find us, it +will be <i>so</i> kind!’</p> +<p>‘Don’t mention it,’ said Mrs. +Alicumpaine. ‘I shall be too glad. But what do +you think I have come for, ma’am? Guess, +ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘I really cannot guess, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Orange.</p> +<p>‘Why, I am going to have a small juvenile party +to-night,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine; ‘and if you and Mr. +Orange and baby would but join us, we should be +complete.’</p> +<p>‘More than charmed, I am sure!’ said Mrs. +Orange.</p> +<p>‘So kind of you!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. +‘But I hope the children won’t bore you?’</p> +<p>‘Dear things! Not at all,’ said Mrs. +Orange. ‘I dote upon them.’</p> +<p>Mr. Orange here came home from the city; and he came, too, +with a ring-ting-ting.</p> +<p>‘James love,’ said Mrs. Orange, ‘you look +tired. What has been doing in the city to-day?’</p> +<p>‘Trap, bat, and ball, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange, +‘and it knocks a man up.’</p> +<p>‘That dreadfully anxious city, ma’am,’ said +Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine; ‘so wearing, is it +not?’</p> +<p>‘O, so trying!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. +‘John has lately been speculating in the peg-top ring; and +I often say to him at night, “John, <i>is</i> the result +worth the wear and tear?”’</p> +<p>Dinner was ready by this time: so they sat down to dinner; and +while Mr. Orange carved the joint of sweet-stuff, he said, +‘It’s a poor heart that never rejoices. Jane, +go down to the cellar, and fetch a bottle of the Upest +ginger-beer.’</p> +<p>At tea-time, Mr. and Mrs. Orange, and baby, and Mrs. +Alicumpaine went off to Mrs. Alicumpaine’s house. The +children had not come yet; but the ball-room was ready for them, +decorated with paper flowers.</p> +<p>‘How very sweet!’ said Mrs. Orange. +‘The dear things! How pleased they will +be!’</p> +<p>‘I don’t care for children myself,’ said Mr. +Orange, gaping.</p> +<p>‘Not for girls?’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine. +‘Come! you care for girls?’</p> +<p>Mr. Orange shook his head, and gaped again. +‘Frivolous and vain, ma’am.’</p> +<p>‘My dear James,’ cried Mrs. Orange, who had been +peeping about, ‘do look here. Here’s the supper +for the darlings, ready laid in the room behind the +folding-doors. Here’s their little pickled salmon, I +do declare! And here’s their little salad, and their +little roast beef and fowls, and their little pastry, and their +wee, wee, wee champagne!’</p> +<p>‘Yes, I thought it best, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Alicumpaine, ‘that they should have their supper by +themselves. Our table is in the corner here, where the +gentlemen can have their wineglass of negus, and their +egg-sandwich, and their quiet game at beggar-my-neighbour, and +look on. As for us, ma’am, we shall have quite enough +to do to manage the company.’</p> +<p>‘O, indeed, you may say so! Quite enough, +ma’am,’ said Mrs. Orange.</p> +<p>The company began to come. The first of them was a stout +boy, with a white top-knot and spectacles. The housemaid +brought him in and said, ‘Compliments, and at what time was +he to be fetched!’ Mrs. Alicumpaine said, ‘Not +a moment later than ten. How do you do, sir? Go and +sit down.’ Then a number of other children came; boys +by themselves, and girls by themselves, and boys and girls +together. They didn’t behave at all well. Some +of them looked through quizzing-glasses at others, and said, +‘Who are those? Don’t know them.’ +Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses at others, and said, +‘How do?’ Some of them had cups of tea or +coffee handed to them by others, and said, ‘Thanks; +much!’ A good many boys stood about, and felt their +shirt-collars. Four tiresome fat boys <i>would</i> stand in +the doorway, and talk about the newspapers, till Mrs. Alicumpaine +went to them and said, ‘My dears, I really cannot allow you +to prevent people from coming in. I shall be truly sorry to +do it; but, if you put yourself in everybody’s way, I must +positively send you home.’ One boy, with a beard and +a large white waistcoat, who stood straddling on the hearth-rug +warming his coat-tails, <i>was</i> sent home. ‘Highly +incorrect, my dear,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine, handing him out +of the room, ‘and I cannot permit it.’</p> +<p>There was a children’s band,—harp, cornet, and +piano,—and Mrs. Alicumpaine and Mrs. Orange bustled among +the children to persuade them to take partners and dance. +But they were so obstinate! For quite a long time they +would not be persuaded to take partners and dance. Most of +the boys said, ‘Thanks; much! But not at +present.’ And most of the rest of the boys said, +‘Thanks; much! But never do.’</p> +<p>‘O, these children are very wearing!’ said Mrs. +Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.</p> +<p>‘Dear things! I dote upon them; but they ARE +wearing,’ said Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine.</p> +<p>At last they did begin in a slow and melancholy way to slide +about to the music; though even then they wouldn’t mind +what they were told, but would have this partner, and +wouldn’t have that partner, and showed temper about +it. And they wouldn’t smile,—no, not on any +account they wouldn’t; but, when the music stopped, went +round and round the room in dismal twos, as if everybody else was +dead.</p> +<p>‘O, it’s very hard indeed to get these vexing +children to be entertained!’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. +Orange.</p> +<p>‘I dote upon the darlings; but it is hard,’ said +Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine.</p> +<p>They were trying children, that’s the truth. +First, they wouldn’t sing when they were asked; and then, +when everybody fully believed they wouldn’t, they +would. ‘If you serve us so any more, my love,’ +said Mrs. Alicumpaine to a tall child, with a good deal of white +back, in mauve silk trimmed with lace, ‘it will be my +painful privilege to offer you a bed, and to send you to it +immediately.’</p> +<p>The girls were so ridiculously dressed, too, that they were in +rags before supper. How could the boys help treading on +their trains? And yet when their trains were trodden on, +they often showed temper again, and looked as black, they +did! However, they all seemed to be pleased when Mrs. +Alicumpaine said, ‘Supper is ready, children!’ +And they went crowding and pushing in, as if they had had dry +bread for dinner.</p> +<p>‘How are the children getting on?’ said Mr. Orange +to Mrs. Orange, when Mrs. Orange came to look after baby. +Mrs. Orange had left baby on a shelf near Mr. Orange while he +played at beggar-my-neighbour, and had asked him to keep his eye +upon her now and then.</p> +<p>‘Most charmingly, my dear!’ said Mrs. +Orange. ‘So droll to see their little flirtations and +jealousies! Do come and look!’</p> +<p>‘Much obliged to you, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange; +‘but I don’t care about children myself.’</p> +<p>So Mrs. Orange, having seen that baby was safe, went back +without Mr. Orange to the room where the children were having +supper.</p> +<p>‘What are they doing now?’ said Mrs. Orange to +Mrs. Alicumpaine.</p> +<p>‘They are making speeches, and playing at +parliament,’ said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.</p> +<p>On hearing this, Mrs. Orange set off once more back again to +Mr. Orange, and said, ‘James dear, do come. The +children are playing at parliament.’</p> +<p>‘Thank you, my dear,’ said Mr. Orange, ‘but +I don’t care about parliament myself.’</p> +<p>So Mrs. Orange went once again without Mr. Orange to the room +where the children were having supper, to see them playing at +parliament. And she found some of the boys crying, +‘Hear, hear, hear!’ while other boys cried ‘No, +no!’ and others, ‘Question!’ +‘Spoke!’ and all sorts of nonsense that ever you +heard. Then one of those tiresome fat boys who had stopped +the doorway told them he was on his legs (as if they +couldn’t see that he wasn’t on his head, or on his +anything else) to explain, and that, with the permission of his +honourable friend, if he would allow him to call him so (another +tiresome boy bowed), he would proceed to explain. Then he +went on for a long time in a sing-song (whatever he meant), did +this troublesome fat boy, about that he held in his hand a glass; +and about that he had come down to that house that night to +discharge what he would call a public duty; and about that, on +the present occasion, he would lay his hand (his other hand) upon +his heart, and would tell honourable gentlemen that he was about +to open the door to general approval. Then he opened the +door by saying, ‘To our hostess!’ and everybody else +said ‘To our hostess!’ and then there were +cheers. Then another tiresome boy started up in sing-song, +and then half a dozen noisy and nonsensical boys at once. +But at last Mrs. Alicumpaine said, ‘I cannot have this +din. Now, children, you have played at parliament very +nicely; but parliament gets tiresome after a little while, and +it’s time you left off, for you will soon be +fetched.’</p> +<p>After another dance (with more tearing to rags than before +supper), they began to be fetched; and you will be very glad to +be told that the tiresome fat boy who had been on his legs was +walked off first without any ceremony. When they were all +gone, poor Mrs. Alicumpaine dropped upon a sofa, and said to Mrs. +Orange, ‘These children will be the death of me at last, +ma’am,—they will indeed!’</p> +<p>‘I quite adore them, ma’am,’ said Mrs. +Orange; ‘but they DO want variety.’</p> +<p>Mr. Orange got his hat, and Mrs. Orange got her bonnet and her +baby, and they set out to walk home. They had to pass Mrs. +Lemon’s preparatory establishment on their way.</p> +<p>‘I wonder, James dear,’ said Mrs. Orange, looking +up at the window, ‘whether the precious children are +asleep!’</p> +<p>‘I don’t care much whether they are or not, +myself,’ said Mr. Orange.</p> +<p>‘James dear!’</p> +<p>‘You dote upon them, you know,’ said Mr. +Orange. ‘That’s another thing.’</p> +<p>‘I do,’ said Mrs. Orange rapturously. +‘O, I <span class="GutSmall">DO</span>!’</p> +<p>‘I don’t,’ said Mr. Orange.</p> +<p>‘But I was thinking, James love,’ said Mrs. +Orange, pressing his arm, ‘whether our dear, good, kind +Mrs. Lemon would like them to stay the holidays with +her.’</p> +<p>‘If she was paid for it, I daresay she would,’ +said Mr. Orange.</p> +<p>‘I adore them, James,’ said Mrs. Orange, +‘but <span class="GutSmall">SUPPOSE</span> we pay her, +then!’</p> +<p>This was what brought that country to such perfection, and +made it such a delightful place to live in. The grown-up +people (that would be in other countries) soon left off being +allowed any holidays after Mr. and Mrs. Orange tried the +experiment; and the children (that would be in other countries) +kept them at school as long as ever they lived, and made them do +whatever they were told.</p> +<h2>FOOTNOTES</h2> +<p><a name="footnote251"></a><a href="#citation251" +class="footnote">[251]</a> Aged eight.</p> +<p><a name="footnote258"></a><a href="#citation258" +class="footnote">[258]</a> Aged seven.</p> +<p><a name="footnote266"></a><a href="#citation266" +class="footnote">[266]</a> Aged nine.</p> +<p><a name="footnote274"></a><a href="#citation274" +class="footnote">[274]</a> Aged half-past six.</p> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOLIDAY ROMANCE ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following +the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use +of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for +copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very +easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation +of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project +Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may +do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected +by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark +license, especially commercial redistribution. +</div> + +<div style='margin:0.83em 0; font-size:1.1em; text-align:center'>START: FULL LICENSE<br /> +<span style='font-size:smaller'>THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE<br /> +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK</span> +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person +or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the +Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when +you share it without charge with others. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country other than the United States. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work +on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: +</div> + +<blockquote> + <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most + other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions + whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms + of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online + at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you + are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws + of the country where you are located before using this eBook. + </div> +</blockquote> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg™ License. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format +other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain +Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +provided that: +</div> + +<div style='margin-left:0.7em;'> + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation.” + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ + works. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. + </div> +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of +the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set +forth in Section 3 below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, +Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up +to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website +and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread +public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state +visit <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/donate/">www.gutenberg.org/donate</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Most people start at our website which has the main PG search +facility: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. +</div> + +</div> + +</body> +</html> |