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+Project Gutenberg's Etext of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens
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+Holiday Romance
+
+by Charles Dickens
+
+February, 1997  [Etext #809]
+
+
+Project Gutenberg's Etext of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens
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+Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens
+Scanned and proofed by David Price
+ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+
+
+HOLIDAY ROMANCE - IN FOUR PARTS
+
+
+
+
+PART I - INTRODUCTORY ROMANCE PROM THE PEN OF WILLIAM TINKLING,
+ESQ. (Aged eight.)
+
+
+
+THIS beginning-part is not made out of anybody's head, you know.
+It's real.  You must believe this beginning-part more than what
+comes after, else you won't understand how what comes after came to
+be written.  You must believe it all; but you must believe this
+most, please.  I am the editor of it.  Bob Redforth (he's my
+cousin, and shaking the table on purpose) wanted to be the editor
+of it; but I said he shouldn't because he couldn't.  HE has no idea
+of being an editor.
+
+Nettie Ashford is my bride.  We were married in the right-hand
+closet in the corner of the dancing-school, where first we met,
+with a ring (a green one) from Wilkingwater's toy-shop.  I owed for
+it out of my pocket-money.  When the rapturous ceremony was over,
+we all four went up the lane and let off a cannon (brought loaded
+in Bob Redforth's waistcoat-pocket) to announce our nuptials.  It
+flew right up when it went off, and turned over.  Next day, Lieut.-
+Col. Robin Redforth was united, with similar ceremonies, to Alice
+Rainbird.  This time the cannon burst with a most terrific
+explosion, and made a puppy bark.
+
+My peerless bride was, at the period of which we now treat, in
+captivity at Miss Grimmer's.  Drowvey and Grimmer is the
+partnership, and opinion is divided which is the greatest beast.
+The lovely bride of the colonel was also immured in the dungeons of
+the same establishment.  A vow was entered into, between the
+colonel and myself, that we would cut them out on the following
+Wednesday when walking two and two.
+
+Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active brain of
+the colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is a pirate),
+suggested an attack with fireworks.  This, however, from motives of
+humanity, was abandoned as too expensive.
+
+Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his jacket, and
+waving the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, the colonel
+took command of me at two P.M. on the eventful and appointed day.
+He had drawn out the plan of attack on a piece of paper, which was
+rolled up round a hoop-stick.  He showed it to me.  My position and
+my full-length portrait (but my real ears don't stick out
+horizontal) was behind a corner lamp-post, with written orders to
+remain there till I should see Miss Drowvey fall.  The Drowvey who
+was to fall was the one in spectacles, not the one with the large
+lavender bonnet.  At that signal I was to rush forth, seize my
+bride, and fight my way to the lane.  There a junction would be
+effected between myself and the colonel; and putting our brides
+behind us, between ourselves and the palings, we were to conquer or
+die.
+
+The enemy appeared, - approached.  Waving his black flag, the
+colonel attacked.  Confusion ensued.  Anxiously I awaited my
+signal; but my signal came not.  So far from falling, the hated
+Drowvey in spectacles appeared to me to have muffled the colonel's
+head in his outlawed banner, and to be pitching into him with a
+parasol.  The one in the lavender bonnet also performed prodigies
+of valour with her fists on his back.  Seeing that all was for the
+moment lost, I fought my desperate way hand to hand to the lane.
+Through taking the back road, I was so fortunate as to meet nobody,
+and arrived there uninterrupted.
+
+It seemed an age ere the colonel joined me.  He had been to the
+jobbing tailor's to be sewn up in several places, and attributed
+our defeat to the refusal of the detested Drowvey to fall.  Finding
+her so obstinate, he had said to her, 'Die, recreant!' but had
+found her no more open to reason on that point than the other.
+
+My blooming bride appeared, accompanied by the colonel's bride, at
+the dancing-school next day.  What?  Was her face averted from me?
+Hah?  Even so.  With a look of scorn, she put into my hand a bit of
+paper, and took another partner.  On the paper was pencilled,
+'Heavens!  Can I write the word?  Is my husband a cow?'
+
+In the first bewilderment of my heated brain, I tried to think what
+slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble animal
+mentioned above.  Vain were my endeavours.  At the end of that
+dance I whispered the colonel to come into the cloak-room, and I
+showed him the note.
+
+'There is a syllable wanting,' said he, with a gloomy brow.
+
+'Hah!  What syllable?' was my inquiry.
+
+'She asks, can she write the word?  And no; you see she couldn't,'
+said the colonel, pointing out the passage.
+
+'And the word was?' said I.
+
+'Cow - cow - coward,' hissed the pirate-colonel in my ear, and gave
+me back the note.
+
+Feeling that I must for ever tread the earth a branded boy, -
+person I mean, - or that I must clear up my honour, I demanded to
+be tried by a court-martial.  The colonel admitted my right to be
+tried.  Some difficulty was found in composing the court, on
+account of the Emperor of France's aunt refusing to let him come
+out.  He was to be the president.  Ere yet we had appointed a
+substitute, he made his escape over the back-wall, and stood among
+us, a free monarch.
+
+The court was held on the grass by the pond.  I recognised, in a
+certain admiral among my judges, my deadliest foe.  A cocoa-nut had
+given rise to language that I could not brook; but confiding in my
+innocence, and also in the knowledge that the President of the
+United States (who sat next him) owed me a knife, I braced myself
+for the ordeal.
+
+It was a solemn spectacle, that court.  Two executioners with
+pinafores reversed led me in.  Under the shade of an umbrella I
+perceived my bride, supported by the bride of the pirate-colonel.
+The president, having reproved a little female ensign for
+tittering, on a matter of life or death, called upon me to plead,
+'Coward or no coward, guilty or not guilty?'  I pleaded in a firm
+tone, 'No coward and not guilty.'  (The little female ensign being
+again reproved by the president for misconduct, mutinied, left the
+court, and threw stones.)
+
+My implacable enemy, the admiral, conducted the case against me.
+The colonel's bride was called to prove that I had remained behind
+the corner lamp-post during the engagement.  I might have been
+spared the anguish of my own bride's being also made a witness to
+the same point, but the admiral knew where to wound me.  Be still,
+my soul, no matter.  The colonel was then brought forward with his
+evidence.
+
+It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the turning-
+point of my case.  Shaking myself free of my guards, - who had no
+business to hold me, the stupids, unless I was found guilty, - I
+asked the colonel what he considered the first duty of a soldier?
+Ere he could reply, the President of the United States rose and
+informed the court, that my foe, the admiral, had suggested
+'Bravery,' and that prompting a witness wasn't fair.  The president
+of the court immediately ordered the admiral's mouth to be filled
+with leaves, and tied up with string.  I had the satisfaction of
+seeing the sentence carried into effect before the proceedings went
+further.
+
+I then took a paper from my trousers-pocket, and asked, 'What do
+you consider, Col.  Redford, the first duty of a soldier?  Is it
+obedience?'
+
+'It is,' said the colonel.
+
+'Is that paper - please to look at it - in your hand?'
+
+'It is,' said the colonel.
+
+'Is it a military sketch?'
+
+'It is,' said the colonel.
+
+'Of an engagement?'
+
+'Quite so,' said the colonel.
+
+'Of the late engagement?'
+
+'Of the late engagement.'
+
+'Please to describe it, and then hand it to the president of the
+court.'
+
+From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dangers were at an
+end.  The court rose up and jumped, on discovering that I had
+strictly obeyed orders.  My foe, the admiral, who though muzzled
+was malignant yet, contrived to suggest that I was dishonoured by
+having quitted the field.  But the colonel himself had done as
+much, and gave his opinion, upon his word and honour as a pirate,
+that when all was lost the field might be quitted without disgrace.
+I was going to be found 'No coward and not guilty,' and my blooming
+bride was going to be publicly restored to my arms in a procession,
+when an unlooked-for event disturbed the general rejoicing.  This
+was no other than the Emperor of France's aunt catching hold of his
+hair.  The proceedings abruptly terminated, and the court
+tumultuously dissolved.
+
+It was when the shades of the next evening but one were beginning
+to fall, ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the earth, that
+four forms might have been descried slowly advancing towards the
+weeping willow on the borders of the pond, the now deserted scene
+of the day before yesterday's agonies and triumphs.  On a nearer
+approach, and by a practised eye, these might have been identified
+as the forms of the pirate-colonel with his bride, and of the day
+before yesterday's gallant prisoner with his bride.
+
+On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs dejection sat enthroned.  All
+four reclined under the willow for some minutes without speaking,
+till at length the bride of the colonel poutingly observed, 'It's
+of no use pretending any more, and we had better give it up.'
+
+'Hah!' exclaimed the pirate.  'Pretending?'
+
+'Don't go on like that; you worry me,' returned his bride.
+
+The lovely bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible declaration.
+The two warriors exchanged stony glances.
+
+'If,' said the bride of the pirate-colonel, 'grown-up people WON'T
+do what they ought to do, and WILL put us out, what comes of our
+pretending?'
+
+'We only get into scrapes,' said the bride of Tinkling.
+
+'You know very well,' pursued the colonel's bride, 'that Miss
+Drowvey wouldn't fall.  You complained of it yourself.  And you
+know how disgracefully the court-martial ended.  As to our
+marriage; would my people acknowledge it at home?'
+
+'Or would my people acknowledge ours?' said the bride of Tinkling.
+
+Again the two warriors exchanged stony glances.
+
+'If you knocked at the door and claimed me, after you were told to
+go away,' said the colonel's bride, 'you would only have your hair
+pulled, or your ears, or your nose.'
+
+'If you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming me,' said the
+bride of Tinkling to that gentleman, 'you would have things dropped
+on your head from the window over the handle, or you would be
+played upon by the garden-engine.'
+
+'And at your own homes,' resumed the bride of the colonel, 'it
+would be just as bad.  You would be sent to bed, or something
+equally undignified.  Again, how would you support us?'
+
+The pirate-colonel replied in a courageous voice, 'By rapine!'  But
+his bride retorted, 'Suppose the grown-up people wouldn't be
+rapined?'  'Then,' said the colonel, 'they should pay the penalty
+in blood.' - 'But suppose they should object,' retorted his bride,
+'and wouldn't pay the penalty in blood or anything else?'
+
+A mournful silence ensued.
+
+'Then do you no longer love me, Alice?' asked the colonel.
+
+'Redforth!  I am ever thine,' returned his bride.
+
+'Then do you no longer love me, Nettie?' asked the present writer.
+
+'Tinkling!  I am ever thine,' returned my bride.
+
+We all four embraced.  Let me not be misunderstood by the giddy.
+The colonel embraced his own bride, and I embraced mine.  But two
+times two make four.
+
+'Nettie and I,' said Alice mournfully, 'have been considering our
+position.  The grown-up people are too strong for us.  They make us
+ridiculous.  Besides, they have changed the times.  William
+Tinkling's baby brother was christened yesterday.  What took place?
+Was any king present?  Answer, William.'
+
+I said No, unless disguised as Great-uncle Chopper.
+
+'Any queen?'
+
+There had been no queen that I knew of at our house.  There might
+have been one in the kitchen: but I didn't think so, or the
+servants would have mentioned it.
+
+'Any fairies?'
+
+None that were visible.
+
+'We had an idea among us, I think,' said Alice, with a melancholy
+smile, 'we four, that Miss Grimmer would prove to be the wicked
+fairy, and would come in at the christening with her crutch-stick,
+and give the child a bad gift.  Was there anything of that sort?
+Answer, William.'
+
+I said that ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that Great-
+uncle Chopper's gift was a shabby one; but she hadn't said a bad
+one.  She had called it shabby, electrotyped, second-hand, and
+below his income.
+
+'It must be the grown-up people who have changed all this,' said
+Alice.  'WE couldn't have changed it, if we had been so inclined,
+and we never should have been.  Or perhaps Miss Grimmer IS a wicked
+fairy after all, and won't act up to it because the grown-up people
+have persuaded her not to.  Either way, they would make us
+ridiculous if we told them what we expected.'
+
+'Tyrants!' muttered the pirate-colonel.
+
+'Nay, my Redforth,' said Alice, 'say not so.  Call not names, my
+Redforth, or they will apply to pa.'
+
+'Let 'em,' said the colonel.  'I do not care.  Who's he?'
+
+Tinkling here undertook the perilous task of remonstrating with his
+lawless friend, who consented to withdraw the moody expressions
+above quoted.
+
+'What remains for us to do?' Alice went on in her mild, wise way.
+'We must educate, we must pretend in a new manner, we must wait.'
+
+The colonel clenched his teeth, - four out in front, and a piece of
+another, and he had been twice dragged to the door of a dentist-
+despot, but had escaped from his guards.  'How educate?  How
+pretend in a new manner?  How wait?'
+
+'Educate the grown-up people,' replied Alice.  'We part to-night.
+Yes, Redforth,' - for the colonel tucked up his cuffs, - 'part to-
+night!  Let us in these next holidays, now going to begin, throw
+our thoughts into something educational for the grown-up people,
+hinting to them how things ought to be.  Let us veil our meaning
+under a mask of romance; you, I, and Nettie.  William Tinkling
+being the plainest and quickest writer, shall copy out.  Is it
+agreed?'
+
+The colonel answered sulkily, 'I don't mind.'  He then asked, 'How
+about pretending?'
+
+'We will pretend,' said Alice, 'that we are children; not that we
+are those grown-up people who won't help us out as they ought, and
+who understand us so badly.'
+
+The colonel, still much dissatisfied, growled, 'How about waiting?'
+
+'We will wait,' answered little Alice, taking Nettie's hand in
+hers, and looking up to the sky, 'we will wait - ever constant and
+true - till the times have got so changed as that everything helps
+us out, and nothing makes us ridiculous, and the fairies have come
+back.  We will wait - ever constant and true - till we are eighty,
+ninety, or one hundred.  And then the fairies will send US
+children, and we will help them out, poor pretty little creatures,
+if they pretend ever so much.'
+
+'So we will, dear,' said Nettie Ashford, taking her round the waist
+with both arms and kissing her.  'And now if my husband will go and
+buy some cherries for us, I have got some money.'
+
+In the friendliest manner I invited the colonel to go with me; but
+he so far forgot himself as to acknowledge the invitation by
+kicking out behind, and then lying down on his stomach on the
+grass, pulling it up and chewing it.  When I came back, however,
+Alice had nearly brought him out of his vexation, and was soothing
+him by telling him how soon we should all be ninety.
+
+As we sat under the willow-tree and ate the cherries (fair, for
+Alice shared them out), we played at being ninety.  Nettie
+complained that she had a bone in her old back, and it made her
+hobble; and Alice sang a song in an old woman's way, but it was
+very pretty, and we were all merry.  At least, I don't know about
+merry exactly, but all comfortable.
+
+There was a most tremendous lot of cherries; and Alice always had
+with her some neat little bag or box or case, to hold things.  In
+it that night was a tiny wine-glass.  So Alice and Nettie said they
+would make some cherry-wine to drink our love at parting.
+
+Each of us had a glassful, and it was delicious; and each of us
+drank the toast, 'Our love at parting.'  The colonel drank his wine
+last; and it got into my head directly that it got into his
+directly.  Anyhow, his eyes rolled immediately after he had turned
+the glass upside down; and he took me on one side and proposed in a
+hoarse whisper, that we should 'Cut 'em out still.'
+
+'How did he mean?' I asked my lawless friend.
+
+'Cut our brides out,' said the colonel, 'and then cut our way,
+without going down a single turning, bang to the Spanish main!'
+
+We might have tried it, though I didn't think it would answer; only
+we looked round and saw that there was nothing but moon-light under
+the willow-tree, and that our pretty, pretty wives were gone.  We
+burst out crying.  The colonel gave in second, and came to first;
+but he gave in strong.
+
+We were ashamed of our red eyes, and hung about for half-an-hour to
+whiten them.  Likewise a piece of chalk round the rims, I doing the
+colonel's, and he mine, but afterwards found in the bedroom
+looking-glass not natural, besides inflammation.  Our conversation
+turned on being ninety.  The colonel told me he had a pair of boots
+that wanted soling and heeling; but he thought it hardly worth
+while to mention it to his father, as he himself should so soon be
+ninety, when he thought shoes would be more convenient.  The
+colonel also told me, with his hand upon his hip, that he felt
+himself already getting on in life, and turning rheumatic.  And I
+told him the same.  And when they said at our house at supper (they
+are always bothering about something) that I stooped, I felt so
+glad!
+
+This is the end of the beginning-part that you were to believe
+most.
+
+
+
+PART II. -  ROMANCE.  FROM THE PEN OF MISS ALICE RAINBIRD (Aged
+seven.)
+
+
+
+THERE was once a king, and he had a queen; and he was the manliest
+of his sex, and she was the loveliest of hers.  The king was, in
+his private profession, under government.  The queen's father had
+been a medical man out of town.
+
+They had nineteen children, and were always having more.  Seventeen
+of these children took care of the baby; and Alicia, the eldest,
+took care of them all.  Their ages varied from seven years to seven
+months.
+
+Let us now resume our story.
+
+One day the king was going to the office, when he stopped at the
+fishmonger's to buy a pound and a half of salmon not too near the
+tail, which the queen (who was a careful housekeeper) had requested
+him to send home.  Mr. Pickles, the fishmonger, said, 'Certainly,
+sir; is there any other article?  Good-morning.'
+
+The king went on towards the office in a melancholy mood; for
+quarter-day was such a long way off, and several of the dear
+children were growing out of their clothes.  He had not proceeded
+far, when Mr. Pickles's errand-boy came running after him, and
+said, 'Sir, you didn't notice the old lady in our shop.'
+
+'What old lady?' inquired the king.  'I saw none.'
+
+Now the king had not seen any old lady, because this old lady had
+been invisible to him, though visible to Mr. Pickles's boy.
+Probably because he messed and splashed the water about to that
+degree, and flopped the pairs of soles down in that violent manner,
+that, if she had not been visible to him, he would have spoilt her
+clothes.
+
+Just then the old lady came trotting up.  She was dressed in shot-
+silk of the richest quality, smelling of dried lavender.
+
+'King Watkins the First, I believe?' said the old lady.
+
+'Watkins,' replied the king, 'is my name.'
+
+'Papa, if I am not mistaken, of the beautiful Princess Alicia?'
+said the old lady.
+
+'And of eighteen other darlings,' replied the king.
+
+'Listen.  You are going to the office,' said the old lady.
+
+It instantly flashed upon the king that she must be a fairy, or how
+could she know that?
+
+'You are right,' said the old lady, answering his thoughts.  'I am
+the good Fairy Grandmarina.  Attend!  When you return home to
+dinner, politely invite the Princess Alicia to have some of the
+salmon you bought just now.'
+
+'It may disagree with her,' said the king.
+
+The old lady became so very angry at this absurd idea, that the
+king was quite alarmed, and humbly begged her pardon.
+
+'We hear a great deal too much about this thing disagreeing, and
+that thing disagreeing,' said the old lady, with the greatest
+contempt it was possible to express.  'Don't be greedy.  I think
+you want it all yourself.'
+
+The king hung his head under this reproof, and said he wouldn't
+talk about things disagreeing any more.
+
+'Be good, then,' said the Fairy Grandmarina, 'and don't.  When the
+beautiful Princess Alicia consents to partake of the salmon, - as I
+think she will, - you will find she will leave a fish-bone on her
+plate.  Tell her to dry it, and to rub it, and to polish it till it
+shines like mother-of-pearl, and to take care of it as a present
+from me.'
+
+'Is that all?' asked the king.
+
+'Don't be impatient, sir,' returned the Fairy Grandmarina, scolding
+him severely.  'Don't catch people short, before they have done
+speaking.  Just the way with you grown-up persons.  You are always
+doing it.'
+
+The king again hung his head, and said he wouldn't do so any more.
+
+'Be good, then,' said the Fairy Grandmarina, 'and don't!  Tell the
+Princess Alicia, with my love, that the fish-bone is a magic
+present which can only be used once; but that it will bring her,
+that once, whatever she wishes for, PROVIDED SHE WISHES FOR IT AT
+THE RIGHT TIME.  That is the message.  Take care of it.'
+
+The king was beginning, 'Might I ask the reason?' when the fairy
+became absolutely furious.
+
+'WILL you be good, sir?' she exclaimed, stamping her foot on the
+ground.  'The reason for this, and the reason for that, indeed!
+You are always wanting the reason.  No reason.  There!  Hoity toity
+me!  I am sick of your grown-up reasons.'
+
+The king was extremely frightened by the old lady's flying into
+such a passion, and said he was very sorry to have offended her,
+and he wouldn't ask for reasons any more.
+
+'Be good, then,' said the old lady, 'and don't!'
+
+With those words, Grandmarina vanished, and the king went on and on
+and on, till he came to the office.  There he wrote and wrote and
+wrote, till it was time to go home again.  Then he politely invited
+the Princess Alicia, as the fairy had directed him, to partake of
+the salmon.  And when she had enjoyed it very much, he saw the
+fish-bone on her plate, as the fairy had told him he would, and he
+delivered the fairy's message, and the Princess Alicia took care to
+dry the bone, and to rub it, and to polish it, till it shone like
+mother-of-pearl.
+
+And so, when the queen was going to get up in the morning, she
+said, 'O, dear me, dear me; my head, my head!' and then she fainted
+away.
+
+The Princess Alicia, who happened to be looking in at the chamber-
+door, asking about breakfast, was very much alarmed when she saw
+her royal mamma in this state, and she rang the bell for Peggy,
+which was the name of the lord chamberlain.  But remembering where
+the smelling-bottle was, she climbed on a chair and got it; and
+after that she climbed on another chair by the bedside, and held
+the smelling-bottle to the queen's nose; and after that she jumped
+down and got some water; and after that she jumped up again and
+wetted the queen's forehead; and, in short, when the lord
+chamberlain came in, that dear old woman said to the little
+princess, 'What a trot you are!  I couldn't have done it better
+myself!'
+
+But that was not the worst of the good queen's illness.  O, no!
+She was very ill indeed, for a long time.  The Princess Alicia kept
+the seventeen young princes and princesses quiet, and dressed and
+undressed and danced the baby, and made the kettle boil, and heated
+the soup, and swept the hearth, and poured out the medicine, and
+nursed the queen, and did all that ever she could, and was as busy,
+busy, busy as busy could be; for there were not many servants at
+that palace for three reasons: because the king was short of money,
+because a rise in his office never seemed to come, and because
+quarter-day was so far off that it looked almost as far off and as
+little as one of the stars.
+
+But on the morning when the queen fainted away, where was the magic
+fish-bone?  Why, there it was in the Princess Alicia's pocket!  She
+had almost taken it out to bring the queen to life again, when she
+put it back, and looked for the smelling-bottle.
+
+After the queen had come out of her swoon that morning, and was
+dozing, the Princess Alicia hurried up-stairs to tell a most
+particular secret to a most particularly confidential friend of
+hers, who was a duchess.  People did suppose her to be a doll; but
+she was really a duchess, though nobody knew it except the
+princess.
+
+This most particular secret was the secret about the magic fish-
+bone, the history of which was well known to the duchess, because
+the princess told her everything.  The princess kneeled down by the
+bed on which the duchess was lying, full-dressed and wide awake,
+and whispered the secret to her.  The duchess smiled and nodded.
+People might have supposed that she never smiled and nodded; but
+she often did, though nobody knew it except the princess.
+
+Then the Princess Alicia hurried down-stairs again, to keep watch
+in the queen's room.  She often kept watch by herself in the
+queen's room; but every evening, while the illness lasted, she sat
+there watching with the king.  And every evening the king sat
+looking at her with a cross look, wondering why she never brought
+out the magic fish-bone.  As often as she noticed this, she ran up-
+stairs, whispered the secret to the duchess over again, and said to
+the duchess besides, 'They think we children never have a reason or
+a meaning!'  And the duchess, though the most fashionable duchess
+that ever was heard of, winked her eye.
+
+'Alicia,' said the king, one evening, when she wished him good-
+night.
+
+'Yes, papa.'
+
+'What is become of the magic fish-bone?'
+
+'In my pocket, papa!'
+
+'I thought you had lost it?'
+
+'O, no, papa!'
+
+'Or forgotten it?'
+
+'No, indeed, papa.'
+
+And so another time the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, next
+door, made a rush at one of the young princes as he stood on the
+steps coming home from school, and terrified him out of his wits;
+and he put his hand through a pane of glass, and bled, bled, bled.
+When the seventeen other young princes and princesses saw him
+bleed, bleed, bleed, they were terrified out of their wits too, and
+screamed themselves black in their seventeen faces all at once.
+But the Princess Alicia put her hands over all their seventeen
+mouths, one after another, and persuaded them to be quiet because
+of the sick queen.  And then she put the wounded prince's hand in a
+basin of fresh cold water, while they stared with their twice
+seventeen are thirty-four, put down four and carry three, eyes, and
+then she looked in the hand for bits of glass, and there were
+fortunately no bits of glass there.  And then she said to two
+chubby-legged princes, who were sturdy though small, 'Bring me in
+the royal rag-bag: I must snip and stitch and cut and contrive.'
+So these two young princes tugged at the royal rag-bag, and lugged
+it in; and the Princess Alicia sat down on the floor, with a large
+pair of scissors and a needle and thread, and snipped and stitched
+and cut and contrived, and made a bandage, and put it on, and it
+fitted beautifully; and so when it was all done, she saw the king
+her papa looking on by the door.
+
+'Alicia.'
+
+'Yes, papa.'
+
+'What have you been doing?'
+
+'Snipping, stitching, cutting, and contriving, papa.'
+
+'Where is the magic fish-bone?'
+
+'In my pocket, papa.'
+
+'I thought you had lost it?'
+
+'O, no, papa.'
+
+'Or forgotten it?'
+
+'No, indeed, papa.'
+
+After that, she ran up-stairs to the duchess, and told her what had
+passed, and told her the secret over again; and the duchess shook
+her flaxen curls, and laughed with her rosy lips.
+
+Well! and so another time the baby fell under the grate.  The
+seventeen young princes and princesses were used to it; for they
+were almost always falling under the grate or down the stairs; but
+the baby was not used to it yet, and it gave him a swelled face and
+a black eye.  The way the poor little darling came to tumble was,
+that he was out of the Princess Alicia's lap just as she was
+sitting, in a great coarse apron that quite smothered her, in front
+of the kitchen-fire, beginning to peel the turnips for the broth
+for dinner; and the way she came to be doing that was, that the
+king's cook had run away that morning with her own true love, who
+was a very tall but very tipsy soldier.  Then the seventeen young
+princes and princesses, who cried at everything that happened,
+cried and roared.  But the Princess Alicia (who couldn't help
+crying a little herself) quietly called to them to be still, on
+account of not throwing back the queen up-stairs, who was fast
+getting well, and said, 'Hold your tongues, you wicked little
+monkeys, every one of you, while I examine baby!'  Then she
+examined baby, and found that he hadn't broken anything; and she
+held cold iron to his poor dear eye, and smoothed his poor dear
+face, and he presently fell asleep in her arms.  Then she said to
+the seventeen princes and princesses, 'I am afraid to let him down
+yet, lest he should wake and feel pain; be good, and you shall all
+be cooks.'  They jumped for joy when they heard that, and began
+making themselves cooks' caps out of old newspapers.  So to one she
+gave the salt-box, and to one she gave the barley, and to one she
+gave the herbs, and to one she gave the turnips, and to one she
+gave the carrots, and to one she gave the onions, and to one she
+gave the spice-box, till they were all cooks, and all running about
+at work, she sitting in the middle, smothered in the great coarse
+apron, nursing baby.  By and by the broth was done; and the baby
+woke up, smiling, like an angel, and was trusted to the sedatest
+princess to hold, while the other princes and princesses were
+squeezed into a far-off corner to look at the Princess Alicia
+turning out the saucepanful of broth, for fear (as they were always
+getting into trouble) they should get splashed and scalded.  When
+the broth came tumbling out, steaming beautifully, and smelling
+like a nosegay good to eat, they clapped their hands.  That made
+the baby clap his hands; and that, and his looking as if he had a
+comic toothache, made all the princes and princesses laugh.  So the
+Princess Alicia said, 'Laugh and be good; and after dinner we will
+make him a nest on the floor in a corner, and he shall sit in his
+nest and see a dance of eighteen cooks.'  That delighted the young
+princes and princesses, and they ate up all the broth, and washed
+up all the plates and dishes, and cleared away, and pushed the
+table into a corner; and then they in their cooks' caps, and the
+Princess Alicia in the smothering coarse apron that belonged to the
+cook that had run away with her own true love that was the very
+tall but very tipsy soldier, danced a dance of eighteen cooks
+before the angelic baby, who forgot his swelled face and his black
+eye, and crowed with joy.
+
+And so then, once more the Princess Alicia saw King Watkins the
+First, her father, standing in the doorway looking on, and he said,
+'What have you been doing, Alicia?'
+
+'Cooking and contriving, papa.'
+
+'What else have you been doing, Alicia?'
+
+'Keeping the children light-hearted, papa.'
+
+'Where is the magic fish-bone, Alicia?
+
+'In my pocket, papa.'
+
+'I thought you had lost it?'
+
+'O, no, papa!'
+
+'Or forgotten it?'
+
+'No, indeed, papa.'
+
+The king then sighed so heavily, and seemed so low-spirited, and
+sat down so miserably, leaning his head upon his hand, and his
+elbow upon the kitchen-table pushed away in the corner, that the
+seventeen princes and princesses crept softly out of the kitchen,
+and left him alone with the Princess Alicia and the angelic baby.
+
+'What is the matter, papa?'
+
+'I am dreadfully poor, my child.'
+
+'Have you no money at all, papa?'
+
+'None, my child.'
+
+'Is there no way of getting any, papa?'
+
+'No way,' said the king.  'I have tried very hard, and I have tried
+all ways.'
+
+When she heard those last words, the Princess Alicia began to put
+her hand into the pocket where she kept the magic fish-bone.
+
+'Papa,' said she, 'when we have tried very hard, and tried all
+ways, we must have done our very, very best?'
+
+'No doubt, Alicia.'
+
+'When we have done our very, very best, papa, and that is not
+enough, then I think the right time must have come for asking help
+of others.'  This was the very secret connected with the magic
+fish-bone, which she had found out for herself from the good Fairy
+Grandmarina's words, and which she had so often whispered to her
+beautiful and fashionable friend, the duchess.
+
+So she took out of her pocket the magic fish-bone, that had been
+dried and rubbed and polished till it shone like mother-of-pearl;
+and she gave it one little kiss, and wished it was quarter-day.
+And immediately it WAS quarter-day; and the king's quarter's salary
+came rattling down the chimney, and bounced into the middle of the
+floor.
+
+But this was not half of what happened, - no, not a quarter; for
+immediately afterwards the good Fairy Grandmarina came riding in,
+in a carriage and four (peacocks), with Mr. Pickles's boy up
+behind, dressed in silver and gold, with a cocked-hat, powdered-
+hair, pink silk stockings, a jewelled cane, and a nosegay.  Down
+jumped Mr. Pickles's boy, with his cocked-hat in his hand, and
+wonderfully polite (being entirely changed by enchantment), and
+handed Grandmarina out; and there she stood, in her rich shot-silk
+smelling of dried lavender, fanning herself with a sparkling fan.
+
+'Alicia, my dear,' said this charming old fairy, 'how do you do?  I
+hope I see you pretty well?  Give me a kiss.'
+
+The Princess Alicia embraced her; and then Grandmarina turned to
+the king, and said rather sharply, 'Are you good?'  The king said
+he hoped so.
+
+'I suppose you know the reason NOW, why my god-daughter here,'
+kissing the princess again, 'did not apply to the fish-bone
+sooner?' said the fairy.
+
+The king made a shy bow.
+
+'Ah! but you didn't THEN?' said the fairy.
+
+The king made a shyer bow.
+
+'Any more reasons to ask for?' said the fairy.
+
+The king said, No, and he was very sorry.
+
+'Be good, then,' said the fairy, 'and live happy ever afterwards.'
+
+Then Grandmarina waved her fan, and the queen came in most
+splendidly dressed; and the seventeen young princes and princesses,
+no longer grown out of their clothes, came in, newly fitted out
+from top to toe, with tucks in everything to admit of its being let
+out.  After that, the fairy tapped the Princess Alicia with her
+fan; and the smothering coarse apron flew away, and she appeared
+exquisitely dressed, like a little bride, with a wreath of orange-
+flowers and a silver veil.  After that, the kitchen dresser changed
+of itself into a wardrobe, made of beautiful woods and gold and
+looking glass, which was full of dresses of all sorts, all for her
+and all exactly fitting her.  After that, the angelic baby came in,
+running alone, with his face and eye not a bit the worse, but much
+the better.  Then Grandmarina begged to be introduced to the
+duchess; and, when the duchess was brought down, many compliments
+passed between them.
+
+A little whispering took place between the fairy and the duchess;
+and then the fairy said out loud, 'Yes, I thought she would have
+told you.'  Grandmarina then turned to the king and queen, and
+said, 'We are going in search of Prince Certainpersonio.  The
+pleasure of your company is requested at church in half an hour
+precisely.'  So she and the Princess Alicia got into the carriage;
+and Mr. Pickles's boy handed in the duchess, who sat by herself on
+the opposite seat; and then Mr. Pickles's boy put up the steps and
+got up behind, and the peacocks flew away with their tails behind.
+
+Prince Certainpersonio was sitting by himself, eating barley-sugar,
+and waiting to be ninety.  When he saw the peacocks, followed by
+the carriage, coming in at the window it immediately occurred to
+him that something uncommon was going to happen.
+
+'Prince,' said Grandmarina, 'I bring you your bride.'  The moment
+the fairy said those words, Prince Certainpersonio's face left off
+being sticky, and his jacket and corduroys changed to peach-bloom
+velvet, and his hair curled, and a cap and feather flew in like a
+bird and settled on his head.  He got into the carriage by the
+fairy's invitation; and there he renewed his acquaintance with the
+duchess, whom he had seen before.
+
+In the church were the prince's relations and friends, and the
+Princess Alicia's relations and friends, and the seventeen princes
+and princesses, and the baby, and a crowd of the neighbours.  The
+marriage was beautiful beyond expression.  The duchess was
+bridesmaid, and beheld the ceremony from the pulpit, where she was
+supported by the cushion of the desk.
+
+Grandmarina gave a magnificent wedding-feast afterwards, in which
+there was everything and more to eat, and everything and more to
+drink.  The wedding-cake was delicately ornamented with white satin
+ribbons, frosted silver, and white lilies, and was forty-two yards
+round.
+
+When Grandmarina had drunk her love to the young couple, and Prince
+Certainpersonio had made a speech, and everybody had cried, Hip,
+hip, hip, hurrah! Grandmarina announced to the king and queen that
+in future there would be eight quarter-days in every year, except
+in leap-year, when there would be ten.  She then turned to
+Certainpersonio and Alicia, and said, 'My dears, you will have
+thirty-five children, and they will all be good and beautiful.
+Seventeen of your children will be boys, and eighteen will be
+girls.  The hair of the whole of your children will curl naturally.
+They will never have the measles, and will have recovered from the
+whooping-cough before being born.'
+
+On hearing such good news, everybody cried out 'Hip, hip, hip,
+hurrah!' again.
+
+'It only remains,' said Grandmarina in conclusion, 'to make an end
+of the fish-bone.'
+
+So she took it from the hand of the Princess Alicia, and it
+instantly flew down the throat of the dreadful little snapping pug-
+dog, next door, and choked him, and he expired in convulsions.
+
+
+
+PART III. - ROMANCE.  FROM THE PEN OF LIEUT.-COL. ROBIN REDFORTH
+(Aged nine.)
+
+
+
+THE subject of our present narrative would appear to have devoted
+himself to the pirate profession at a comparatively early age.  We
+find him in command of a splendid schooner of one hundred guns
+loaded to the muzzle, ere yet he had had a party in honour of his
+tenth birthday.
+
+It seems that our hero, considering himself spited by a Latin-
+grammar master, demanded the satisfaction due from one man of
+honour to another. - Not getting it, he privately withdrew his
+haughty spirit from such low company, bought a second-hand pocket-
+pistol, folded up some sandwiches in a paper bag, made a bottle of
+Spanish liquorice-water, and entered on a career of valour.
+
+It were tedious to follow Boldheart (for such was his name) through
+the commencing stages of his story.  Suffice it, that we find him
+bearing the rank of Capt. Boldheart, reclining in full uniform on a
+crimson hearth-rug spread out upon the quarter-deck of his schooner
+'The Beauty,' in the China seas.  It was a lovely evening; and, as
+his crew lay grouped about him, he favoured them with the following
+melody:
+
+
+O landsmen are folly!
+O pirates are jolly!
+O diddleum Dolly,
+Di!
+CHORUS. - Heave yo.
+
+
+The soothing effect of these animated sounds floating over the
+waters, as the common sailors united their rough voices to take up
+the rich tones of Boldheart, may be more easily conceived than
+described.
+
+It was under these circumstances that the look-out at the masthead
+gave the word, 'Whales!'
+
+All was now activity.
+
+'Where away?' cried Capt. Boldheart, starting up.
+
+'On the larboard bow, sir,' replied the fellow at the masthead,
+touching his hat.  For such was the height of discipline on board
+of 'The Beauty,' that, even at that height, he was obliged to mind
+it, or be shot through the head.
+
+'This adventure belongs to me,' said Boldheart.  'Boy, my harpoon.
+Let no man follow;' and leaping alone into his boat, the captain
+rowed with admirable dexterity in the direction of the monster.
+
+All was now excitement.
+
+'He nears him!' said an elderly seaman, following the captain
+through his spy-glass.
+
+'He strikes him!' said another seaman, a mere stripling, but also
+with a spy-glass.
+
+'He tows him towards us!' said another seaman, a man in the full
+vigour of life, but also with a spy-glass.
+
+In fact, the captain was seen approaching, with the huge bulk
+following.  We will not dwell on the deafening cries of 'Boldheart!
+Boldheart!' with which he was received, when, carelessly leaping on
+the quarter-deck, he presented his prize to his men.  They
+afterwards made two thousand four hundred and seventeen pound ten
+and sixpence by it.
+
+Ordering the sail to be braced up, the captain now stood W.N.W.
+'The Beauty' flew rather than floated over the dark blue waters.
+Nothing particular occurred for a fortnight, except taking, with
+considerable slaughter, four Spanish galleons, and a snow from
+South America, all richly laden.  Inaction began to tell upon the
+spirits of the men.  Capt. Boldheart called all hands aft, and
+said, 'My lads, I hear there are discontented ones among ye.  Let
+any such stand forth.'
+
+After some murmuring, in which the expressions, 'Ay, ay, sir!'
+'Union Jack,' 'Avast,' 'Starboard,' 'Port,' 'Bowsprit,' and similar
+indications of a mutinous undercurrent, though subdued, were
+audible, Bill Boozey, captain of the foretop, came out from the
+rest.  His form was that of a giant, but he quailed under the
+captain's eye.
+
+'What are your wrongs?' said the captain.
+
+'Why, d'ye see, Capt. Boldheart,' replied the towering manner,
+'I've sailed, man and boy, for many a year, but I never yet know'd
+the milk served out for the ship's company's teas to be so sour as
+'tis aboard this craft.'
+
+At this moment the thrilling cry, 'Man overboard!' announced to the
+astonished crew that Boozey, in stepping back, as the captain (in
+mere thoughtfulness) laid his hand upon the faithful pocket-pistol
+which he wore in his belt, had lost his balance, and was struggling
+with the foaming tide.
+
+All was now stupefaction.
+
+But with Capt. Boldheart, to throw off his uniform coat, regardless
+of the various rich orders with which it was decorated, and to
+plunge into the sea after the drowning giant, was the work of a
+moment.  Maddening was the excitement when boats were lowered;
+intense the joy when the captain was seen holding up the drowning
+man with his teeth; deafening the cheering when both were restored
+to the main deck of 'The Beauty.'  And, from the instant of his
+changing his wet clothes for dry ones, Capt. Boldheart had no such
+devoted though humble friend as William Boozey.
+
+Boldheart now pointed to the horizon, and called the attention of
+his crew to the taper spars of a ship lying snug in harbour under
+the guns of a fort.
+
+'She shall be ours at sunrise,' said he.  'Serve out a double
+allowance of grog, and prepare for action.'
+
+All was now preparation.
+
+When morning dawned, after a sleepless night, it was seen that the
+stranger was crowding on all sail to come out of the harbour and
+offer battle.  As the two ships came nearer to each other, the
+stranger fired a gun and hoisted Roman colours.  Boldheart then
+perceived her to be the Latin-grammar master's bark.  Such indeed
+she was, and had been tacking about the world in unavailing
+pursuit, from the time of his first taking to a roving life.
+
+Boldheart now addressed his men, promising to blow them up if he
+should feel convinced that their reputation required it, and giving
+orders that the Latin-grammar master should be taken alive.  He
+then dismissed them to their quarters, and the fight began with a
+broadside from 'The Beauty.'  She then veered around, and poured in
+another.  'The Scorpion' (so was the bark of the Latin-grammar
+master appropriately called) was not slow to return her fire; and a
+terrific cannonading ensued, in which the guns of 'The Beauty' did
+tremendous execution.
+
+The Latin-grammar master was seen upon the poop, in the midst of
+the smoke and fire, encouraging his men.  To do him justice, he was
+no craven, though his white hat, his short gray trousers, and his
+long snuff-coloured surtout reaching to his heels (the self-same
+coat in which he had spited Boldheart), contrasted most
+unfavourably with the brilliant uniform of the latter.  At this
+moment, Boldheart, seizing a pike and putting himself at the head
+of his men, gave the word to board.
+
+A desperate conflict ensued in the hammock-nettings, - or somewhere
+in about that direction, - until the Latin-grammar master, having
+all his masts gone, his hull and rigging shot through, and seeing
+Boldheart slashing a path towards him, hauled down his flag
+himself, gave up his sword to Boldheart, and asked for quarter.
+Scarce had he been put into the captain's boat, ere 'The Scorpion'
+went down with all on board.
+
+On Capt. Boldheart's now assembling his men, a circumstance
+occurred.  He found it necessary with one blow of his cutlass to
+kill the cook, who, having lost his brother in the late action, was
+making at the Latin-grammar master in an infuriated state, intent
+on his destruction with a carving-knife.
+
+Capt. Boldheart then turned to the Latin-grammar master, severely
+reproaching him with his perfidy, and put it to his crew what they
+considered that a master who spited a boy deserved.
+
+They answered with one voice, 'Death.'
+
+'It may be so,' said the captain; 'but it shall never be said that
+Boldheart stained his hour of triumph with the blood of his enemy.
+Prepare the cutter.'
+
+The cutter was immediately prepared.
+
+'Without taking your life,' said the captain, 'I must yet for ever
+deprive you of the power of spiting other boys.  I shall turn you
+adrift in this boat.  You will find in her two oars, a compass, a
+bottle of rum, a small cask of water, a piece of pork, a bag of
+biscuit, and my Latin grammar.  Go! and spite the natives, if you
+can find any.'
+
+Deeply conscious of this bitter sarcasm, the unhappy wretch was put
+into the cutter, and was soon left far behind.  He made no effort
+to row, but was seen lying on his back with his legs up, when last
+made out by the ship's telescopes.
+
+A stiff breeze now beginning to blow, Capt. Boldheart gave orders
+to keep her S.S.W., easing her a little during the night by falling
+off a point or two W. by W., or even by W.S., if she complained
+much.  He then retired for the night, having in truth much need of
+repose.  In addition to the fatigues he had undergone, this brave
+officer had received sixteen wounds in the engagement, but had not
+mentioned it.
+
+In the morning a white squall came on, and was succeeded by other
+squalls of various colours.  It thundered and lightened heavily for
+six weeks.  Hurricanes then set in for two months.  Waterspouts and
+tornadoes followed.  The oldest sailor on board - and he was a very
+old one - had never seen such weather.  'The Beauty' lost all idea
+where she was, and the carpenter reported six feet two of water in
+the hold.  Everybody fell senseless at the pumps every day.
+
+Provisions now ran very low.  Our hero put the crew on short
+allowance, and put himself on shorter allowance than any man in the
+ship.  But his spirit kept him fat.  In this extremity, the
+gratitude of Boozey, the captain of the foretop, whom our readers
+may remember, was truly affecting.  The loving though lowly William
+repeatedly requested to be killed, and preserved for the captain's
+table.
+
+We now approach a change of affairs.  One day during a gleam of
+sunshine, and when the weather had moderated, the man at the
+masthead - too weak now to touch his hat, besides its having been
+blown away - called out,
+
+'Savages!'
+
+All was now expectation.
+
+Presently fifteen hundred canoes, each paddled by twenty savages,
+were seen advancing in excellent order.  They were of a light green
+colour (the savages were), and sang, with great energy, the
+following strain:
+
+
+Choo a choo a choo tooth.
+Muntch, muntch.  Nycey!
+Choo a choo a choo tooth.
+Muntch, muntch.  Nycey!
+
+
+As the shades of night were by this time closing in, these
+expressions were supposed to embody this simple people's views of
+the evening hymn.  But it too soon appeared that the song was a
+translation of 'For what we are going to receive,' &c.
+
+The chief, imposingly decorated with feathers of lively colours,
+and having the majestic appearance of a fighting parrot, no sooner
+understood (he understood English perfectly) that the ship was 'The
+Beauty,' Capt. Boldheart, than he fell upon his face on the deck,
+and could not be persuaded to rise until the captain had lifted him
+up, and told him he wouldn't hurt him.  All the rest of the savages
+also fell on their faces with marks of terror, and had also to be
+lifted up one by one.  Thus the fame of the great Boldheart had
+gone before him, even among these children of Nature.
+
+Turtles and oysters were now produced in astonishing numbers; and
+on these and yams the people made a hearty meal.  After dinner the
+chief told Capt. Boldheart that there was better feeding up at the
+village, and that he would be glad to take him and his officers
+there.  Apprehensive of treachery, Boldheart ordered his boat's
+crew to attend him completely armed.  And well were it for other
+commanders if their precautions - but let us not anticipate.
+
+When the canoes arrived at the beach, the darkness of the night was
+illumined by the light of an immense fire.  Ordering his boat's
+crew (with the intrepid though illiterate William at their head) to
+keep close and be upon their guard, Boldheart bravely went on, arm
+in arm with the chief.
+
+But how to depict the captain's surprise when he found a ring of
+savages singing in chorus that barbarous translation of 'For what
+we are going to receive,' &c., which has been given above, and
+dancing hand in hand round the Latin-grammar master, in a hamper
+with his head shaved, while two savages floured him, before putting
+him to the fire to be cooked!
+
+Boldheart now took counsel with his officers on the course to be
+adopted.  In the mean time, the miserable captive never ceased
+begging pardon and imploring to be delivered.  On the generous
+Boldheart's proposal, it was at length resolved that he should not
+be cooked, but should be allowed to remain raw, on two conditions,
+namely:
+
+1. That he should never, under any circumstances, presume to teach
+any boy anything any more.
+
+2. That, if taken back to England, he should pass his life in
+travelling to find out boys who wanted their exercises done, and
+should do their exercises for those boys for nothing, and never say
+a word about it.
+
+Drawing the sword from its sheath, Boldheart swore him to these
+conditions on its shining blade.  The prisoner wept bitterly, and
+appeared acutely to feel the errors of his past career.
+
+The captain then ordered his boat's crew to make ready for a
+volley, and after firing to re-load quickly.  'And expect a score
+or two on ye to go head over heels,' murmured William Boozey; 'for
+I'm a-looking at ye.'  With those words, the derisive though deadly
+William took a good aim.
+
+'Fire!'
+
+The ringing voice of Boldheart was lost in the report of the guns
+and the screeching of the savages.  Volley after volley awakened
+the numerous echoes.  Hundreds of savages were killed, hundreds
+wounded, and thousands ran howling into the woods.  The Latin-
+grammar master had a spare night-cap lent him, and a long-tail
+coat, which he wore hind side before.  He presented a ludicrous
+though pitiable appearance, and serve him right.
+
+We now find Capt. Boldheart, with this rescued wretch on board,
+standing off for other islands.  At one of these, not a cannibal
+island, but a pork and vegetable one, he married (only in fun on
+his part) the king's daughter.  Here he rested some time, receiving
+from the natives great quantities of precious stones, gold dust,
+elephants' teeth, and sandal wood, and getting very rich.  This,
+too, though he almost every day made presents of enormous value to
+his men.
+
+The ship being at length as full as she could hold of all sorts of
+valuable things, Boldheart gave orders to weigh the anchor, and
+turn 'The Beauty's' head towards England.  These orders were obeyed
+with three cheers; and ere the sun went down full many a hornpipe
+had been danced on deck by the uncouth though agile William.
+
+We next find Capt. Boldheart about three leagues off Madeira,
+surveying through his spy-glass a stranger of suspicious appearance
+making sail towards him.  On his firing a gun ahead of her to bring
+her to, she ran up a flag, which he instantly recognised as the
+flag from the mast in the back-garden at home.
+
+Inferring from this, that his father had put to sea to seek his
+long-lost son, the captain sent his own boat on board the stranger
+to inquire if this was so, and, if so, whether his father's
+intentions were strictly honourable.  The boat came back with a
+present of greens and fresh meat, and reported that the stranger
+was 'The Family,' of twelve hundred tons, and had not only the
+captain's father on board, but also his mother, with the majority
+of his aunts and uncles, and all his cousins.  It was further
+reported to Boldheart that the whole of these relations had
+expressed themselves in a becoming manner, and were anxious to
+embrace him and thank him for the glorious credit he had done them.
+Boldheart at once invited them to breakfast next morning on board
+'The Beauty,' and gave orders for a brilliant ball that should last
+all day.
+
+It was in the course of the night that the captain discovered the
+hopelessness of reclaiming the Latin-grammar master.  That
+thankless traitor was found out, as the two ships lay near each
+other, communicating with 'The Family' by signals, and offering to
+give up Boldheart.  He was hanged at the yard-arm the first thing
+in the morning, after having it impressively pointed out to him by
+Boldheart that this was what spiters came to.
+
+The meeting between the captain and his parents was attended with
+tears.  His uncles and aunts would have attended their meeting with
+tears too, but he wasn't going to stand that.  His cousins were
+very much astonished by the size of his ship and the discipline of
+his men, and were greatly overcome by the splendour of his uniform.
+He kindly conducted them round the vessel, and pointed out
+everything worthy of notice.  He also fired his hundred guns, and
+found it amusing to witness their alarm.
+
+The entertainment surpassed everything ever seen on board ship, and
+lasted from ten in the morning until seven the next morning.  Only
+one disagreeable incident occurred.  Capt. Boldheart found himself
+obliged to put his cousin Tom in irons, for being disrespectful.
+On the boy's promising amendment, however, he was humanely released
+after a few hours' close confinement.
+
+Boldheart now took his mother down into the great cabin, and asked
+after the young lady with whom, it was well known to the world, he
+was in love.  His mother replied that the object of his affections
+was then at school at Margate, for the benefit of sea-bathing (it
+was the month of September), but that she feared the young lady's
+friends were still opposed to the union.  Boldheart at once
+resolved, if necessary, to bombard the town.
+
+Taking the command of his ship with this intention, and putting all
+but fighting men on board 'The Family,' with orders to that vessel
+to keep in company, Boldheart soon anchored in Margate Roads.  Here
+he went ashore well-armed, and attended by his boat's crew (at
+their head the faithful though ferocious William), and demanded to
+see the mayor, who came out of his office.
+
+'Dost know the name of yon ship, mayor?' asked Boldheart fiercely.
+
+'No,' said the mayor, rubbing his eyes, which he could scarce
+believe, when he saw the goodly vessel riding at anchor.
+
+'She is named "The Beauty,"' said the captain.
+
+'Hah!' exclaimed the mayor, with a start.  'And you, then, are
+Capt. Boldheart?'
+
+'The same.'
+
+A pause ensued.  The mayor trembled.
+
+'Now, mayor,' said the captain, 'choose!  Help me to my bride, or
+be bombarded.'
+
+The mayor begged for two hours' grace, in which to make inquiries
+respecting the young lady.  Boldheart accorded him but one; and
+during that one placed William Boozey sentry over him, with a drawn
+sword, and instructions to accompany him wherever he went, and to
+run him through the body if he showed a sign of playing false.
+
+At the end of the hour the mayor re-appeared more dead than alive,
+closely waited on by Boozey more alive than dead.
+
+'Captain,' said the mayor, 'I have ascertained that the young lady
+is going to bathe.  Even now she waits her turn for a machine.  The
+tide is low, though rising.  I, in one of our town-boats, shall not
+be suspected.  When she comes forth in her bathing-dress into the
+shallow water from behind the hood of the machine, my boat shall
+intercept her and prevent her return.  Do you the rest.'
+
+'Mayor,' returned Capt. Boldheart, 'thou hast saved thy town.'
+
+The captain then signalled his boat to take him off, and, steering
+her himself, ordered her crew to row towards the bathing-ground,
+and there to rest upon their oars.  All happened as had been
+arranged.  His lovely bride came forth, the mayor glided in behind
+her, she became confused, and had floated out of her depth, when,
+with one skilful touch of the rudder and one quivering stroke from
+the boat's crew, her adoring Boldheart held her in his strong arms.
+There her shrieks of terror were changed to cries of joy.
+
+Before 'The Beauty' could get under way, the hoisting of all the
+flags in the town and harbour, and the ringing of all the bells,
+announced to the brave Boldheart that he had nothing to fear.  He
+therefore determined to be married on the spot, and signalled for a
+clergyman and clerk, who came off promptly in a sailing-boat named
+'The Skylark.'  Another great entertainment was then given on board
+'The Beauty,' in the midst of which the mayor was called out by a
+messenger.  He returned with the news that government had sent down
+to know whether Capt. Boldheart, in acknowledgment of the great
+services he had done his country by being a pirate, would consent
+to be made a lieutenant-colonel.  For himself he would have spurned
+the worthless boon; but his bride wished it, and he consented.
+
+Only one thing further happened before the good ship 'Family' was
+dismissed, with rich presents to all on board.  It is painful to
+record (but such is human nature in some cousins) that Capt.
+Boldheart's unmannerly Cousin Tom was actually tied up to receive
+three dozen with a rope's end 'for cheekiness and making game,'
+when Capt. Boldheart's lady begged for him, and he was spared.
+'The Beauty' then refitted, and the captain and his bride departed
+for the Indian Ocean to enjoy themselves for evermore.
+
+
+
+PART IV. - ROMANCE FROM THE PEN OF MISS NETTIE ASHFORD (Aged half-
+past six.)
+
+
+
+THERE is a country, which I will show you when I get into maps,
+where the children have everything their own way.  It is a most
+delightful country to live in.  The grown-up people are obliged to
+obey the children, and are never allowed to sit up to supper,
+except on their birthdays.  The children order them to make jam and
+jelly and marmalade, and tarts and pies and puddings, and all
+manner of pastry.  If they say they won't, they are put in the
+corner till they do.  They are sometimes allowed to have some; but
+when they have some, they generally have powders given them
+afterwards.
+
+One of the inhabitants of this country, a truly sweet young
+creature of the name of Mrs. Orange, had the misfortune to be sadly
+plagued by her numerous family.  Her parents required a great deal
+of looking after, and they had connections and companions who were
+scarcely ever out of mischief.  So Mrs. Orange said to herself, 'I
+really cannot be troubled with these torments any longer: I must
+put them all to school.'
+
+Mrs. Orange took off her pinafore, and dressed herself very nicely,
+and took up her baby, and went out to call upon another lady of the
+name of Mrs. Lemon, who kept a preparatory establishment.  Mrs.
+Orange stood upon the scraper to pull at the bell, and give a ring-
+ting-ting.
+
+Mrs. Lemon's neat little housemaid, pulling up her socks as she
+came along the passage, answered the ring-ting-ting.
+
+'Good-morning,' said Mrs. Orange.  'Fine day.  How do you do?  Mrs.
+Lemon at home!'
+
+'Yes, ma'am.'
+
+'Will you say Mrs. Orange and baby?'
+
+'Yes, ma'am.  Walk in.'
+
+Mrs. Orange's baby was a very fine one, and real wax all over.
+Mrs. Lemon's baby was leather and bran.  However, when Mrs. Lemon
+came into the drawing-room with her baby in her arms, Mrs. Orange
+said politely, 'Good-morning.  Fine day.  How do you do?  And how
+is little Tootleumboots?'
+
+'Well, she is but poorly.  Cutting her teeth, ma'am,' said Mrs.
+Lemon.
+
+'O, indeed, ma'am!' said Mrs. Orange.  'No fits, I hope?'
+
+'No, ma'am.'
+
+'How many teeth has she, ma'am?'
+
+'Five, ma'am.'
+
+'My Emilia, ma'am, has eight,' said Mrs. Orange.  'Shall we lay
+them on the mantelpiece side by side, while we converse?'
+
+'By all means, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.  'Hem!'
+
+'The first question is, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange, 'I don't bore
+you?'
+
+'Not in the least, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.  'Far from it, I assure
+you.'
+
+'Then pray HAVE you,' said Mrs. Orange, - 'HAVE you any vacancies?'
+
+'Yes, ma'am.  How many might you require?'
+
+'Why, the truth is, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange, 'I have come to the
+conclusion that my children,' - O, I forgot to say that they call
+the grown-up people children in that country! - 'that my children
+are getting positively too much for me.  Let me see.  Two parents,
+two intimate friends of theirs, one godfather, two godmothers, and
+an aunt.  HAVE you as many as eight vacancies?'
+
+'I have just eight, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+'Most fortunate!  Terms moderate, I think?'
+
+'Very moderate, ma'am.'
+
+'Diet good, I believe?'
+
+'Excellent, ma'am.'
+
+'Unlimited?'
+
+'Unlimited.'
+
+'Most satisfactory!  Corporal punishment dispensed with?'
+
+'Why, we do occasionally shake,' said Mrs. Lemon, 'and we have
+slapped.  But only in extreme cases.'
+
+'COULD I, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange, - 'COULD I see the
+establishment?'
+
+'With the greatest of pleasure, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+Mrs. Lemon took Mrs. Orange into the schoolroom, where there were a
+number of pupils.  'Stand up, children,' said Mrs. Lemon; and they
+all stood up.
+
+Mrs. Orange whispered to Mrs. Lemon, 'There is a pale, bald child,
+with red whiskers, in disgrace.  Might I ask what he has done?'
+
+'Come here, White,' said Mrs. Lemon, 'and tell this lady what you
+have been doing.'
+
+'Betting on horses,' said White sulkily.
+
+'Are you sorry for it, you naughty child?' said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+'No,' said White.  'Sorry to lose, but shouldn't be sorry to win.'
+
+'There's a vicious boy for you, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.  'Go along
+with you, sir.  This is Brown, Mrs. Orange.  O, a sad case,
+Brown's!  Never knows when he has had enough.  Greedy.  How is your
+gout, sir?'
+
+'Bad,' said Brown.
+
+'What else can you expect?' said Mrs. Lemon.  'Your stomach is the
+size of two.  Go and take exercise directly.  Mrs. Black, come here
+to me.  Now, here is a child, Mrs. Orange, ma'am, who is always at
+play.  She can't be kept at home a single day together; always
+gadding about and spoiling her clothes.  Play, play, play, play,
+from morning to night, and to morning again.  How can she expect to
+improve?'
+
+'Don't expect to improve,' sulked Mrs. Black.  'Don't want to.'
+
+'There is a specimen of her temper, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.  'To
+see her when she is tearing about, neglecting everything else, you
+would suppose her to be at least good-humoured.  But bless you!
+ma'am, she is as pert and flouncing a minx as ever you met with in
+all your days!'
+
+'You must have a great deal of trouble with them, ma'am,' said Mrs.
+Orange.
+
+'Ah, I have, indeed, ma'am!' said Mrs. Lemon.  'What with their
+tempers, what with their quarrels, what with their never knowing
+what's good for them, and what with their always wanting to
+domineer, deliver me from these unreasonable children!'
+
+'Well, I wish you good-morning, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange.
+
+'Well, I wish you good-morning, ma'am,' said Mrs. Lemon.
+
+So Mrs. Orange took up her baby and went home, and told the family
+that plagued her so that they were all going to be sent to school.
+They said they didn't want to go to school; but she packed up their
+boxes, and packed them off.
+
+'O dear me, dear me!  Rest and be thankful!' said Mrs. Orange,
+throwing herself back in her little arm-chair.  'Those troublesome
+troubles are got rid of, please the pigs!'
+
+Just then another lady, named Mrs. Alicumpaine, came calling at the
+street-door with a ring-ting-ting.
+
+'My dear Mrs. Alicumpaine,' said Mrs. Orange, 'how do you do?  Pray
+stay to dinner.  We have but a simple joint of sweet-stuff,
+followed by a plain dish of bread and treacle; but, if you will
+take us as you find us, it will be SO kind!'
+
+'Don't mention it,' said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  'I shall be too glad.
+But what do you think I have come for, ma'am?  Guess, ma'am.'
+
+'I really cannot guess, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange.
+
+'Why, I am going to have a small juvenile party to-night,' said
+Mrs. Alicumpaine; 'and if you and Mr. Orange and baby would but
+join us, we should be complete.'
+
+'More than charmed, I am sure!' said Mrs. Orange.
+
+'So kind of you!' said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  'But I hope the children
+won't bore you?'
+
+'Dear things!  Not at all,' said Mrs. Orange.  'I dote upon them.'
+
+Mr. Orange here came home from the city; and he came, too, with a
+ring-ting-ting.
+
+'James love,' said Mrs. Orange, 'you look tired.  What has been
+doing in the city to-day?'
+
+'Trap, bat, and ball, my dear,' said Mr. Orange, 'and it knocks a
+man up.'
+
+'That dreadfully anxious city, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange to Mrs.
+Alicumpaine; 'so wearing, is it not?'
+
+'O, so trying!' said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  'John has lately been
+speculating in the peg-top ring; and I often say to him at night,
+"John, IS the result worth the wear and tear?"'
+
+Dinner was ready by this time: so they sat down to dinner; and
+while Mr. Orange carved the joint of sweet-stuff, he said, 'It's a
+poor heart that never rejoices.  Jane, go down to the cellar, and
+fetch a bottle of the Upest ginger-beer.'
+
+At tea-time, Mr. and Mrs. Orange, and baby, and Mrs. Alicumpaine
+went off to Mrs. Alicumpaine's house.  The children had not come
+yet; but the ball-room was ready for them, decorated with paper
+flowers.
+
+'How very sweet!' said Mrs. Orange.  'The dear things!  How pleased
+they will be!'
+
+'I don't care for children myself,' said Mr. Orange, gaping.
+
+'Not for girls?' said Mrs. Alicumpaine.  'Come! you care for
+girls?'
+
+Mr. Orange shook his head, and gaped again.  'Frivolous and vain,
+ma'am.'
+
+'My dear James,' cried Mrs. Orange, who had been peeping about, 'do
+look here.  Here's the supper for the darlings, ready laid in the
+room behind the folding-doors.  Here's their little pickled salmon,
+I do declare!  And here's their little salad, and their little
+roast beef and fowls, and their little pastry, and their wee, wee,
+wee champagne!'
+
+'Yes, I thought it best, ma'am,' said Mrs. Alicumpaine, 'that they
+should have their supper by themselves.  Our table is in the corner
+here, where the gentlemen can have their wineglass of negus, and
+their egg-sandwich, and their quiet game at beggar-my-neighbour,
+and look on.  As for us, ma'am, we shall have quite enough to do to
+manage the company.'
+
+'O, indeed, you may say so!  Quite enough, ma'am,' said Mrs.
+Orange.
+
+The company began to come.  The first of them was a stout boy, with
+a white top-knot and spectacles.  The housemaid brought him in and
+said, 'Compliments, and at what time was he to be fetched!'  Mrs.
+Alicumpaine said, 'Not a moment later than ten.  How do you do,
+sir?  Go and sit down.'  Then a number of other children came; boys
+by themselves, and girls by themselves, and boys and girls
+together.  They didn't behave at all well.  Some of them looked
+through quizzing-glasses at others, and said, 'Who are those?
+Don't know them.'  Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses at
+others, and said, 'How do?'  Some of them had cups of tea or coffee
+handed to them by others, and said, 'Thanks; much!'  A good many
+boys stood about, and felt their shirt-collars.  Four tiresome fat
+boys WOULD stand in the doorway, and talk about the newspapers,
+till Mrs. Alicumpaine went to them and said, 'My dears, I really
+cannot allow you to prevent people from coming in.  I shall be
+truly sorry to do it; but, if you put yourself in everybody's way,
+I must positively send you home.'  One boy, with a beard and a
+large white waistcoat, who stood straddling on the hearth-rug
+warming his coat-tails, WAS sent home.  'Highly incorrect, my
+dear,' said Mrs. Alicumpaine, handing him out of the room, 'and I
+cannot permit it.'
+
+There was a children's band, - harp, cornet, and piano, - and Mrs.
+Alicumpaine and Mrs. Orange bustled among the children to persuade
+them to take partners and dance.  But they were so obstinate!  For
+quite a long time they would not be persuaded to take partners and
+dance.  Most of the boys said, 'Thanks; much!  But not at present.'
+And most of the rest of the boys said, 'Thanks; much!  But never
+do.'
+
+'O, these children are very wearing!' said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs.
+Orange.
+
+'Dear things!  I dote upon them; but they ARE wearing,' said Mrs.
+Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine.
+
+At last they did begin in a slow and melancholy way to slide about
+to the music; though even then they wouldn't mind what they were
+told, but would have this partner, and wouldn't have that partner,
+and showed temper about it.  And they wouldn't smile, - no, not on
+any account they wouldn't; but, when the music stopped, went round
+and round the room in dismal twos, as if everybody else was dead.
+
+'O, it's very hard indeed to get these vexing children to be
+entertained!' said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.
+
+'I dote upon the darlings; but it is hard,' said Mrs. Orange to
+Mrs. Alicumpaine.
+
+They were trying children, that's the truth.  First, they wouldn't
+sing when they were asked; and then, when everybody fully believed
+they wouldn't, they would.  'If you serve us so any more, my love,'
+said Mrs. Alicumpaine to a tall child, with a good deal of white
+back, in mauve silk trimmed with lace, 'it will be my painful
+privilege to offer you a bed, and to send you to it immediately.'
+
+The girls were so ridiculously dressed, too, that they were in rags
+before supper.  How could the boys help treading on their trains?
+And yet when their trains were trodden on, they often showed temper
+again, and looked as black, they did!  However, they all seemed to
+be pleased when Mrs. Alicumpaine said, 'Supper is ready, children!'
+And they went crowding and pushing in, as if they had had dry bread
+for dinner.
+
+'How are the children getting on?' said Mr. Orange to Mrs. Orange,
+when Mrs. Orange came to look after baby.  Mrs. Orange had left
+baby on a shelf near Mr. Orange while he played at beggar-my-
+neighbour, and had asked him to keep his eye upon her now and then.
+
+'Most charmingly, my dear!' said Mrs. Orange.  'So droll to see
+their little flirtations and jealousies!  Do come and look!'
+
+'Much obliged to you, my dear,' said Mr. Orange; 'but I don't care
+about children myself.'
+
+So Mrs. Orange, having seen that baby was safe, went back without
+Mr. Orange to the room where the children were having supper.
+
+'What are they doing now?' said Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine.
+
+'They are making speeches, and playing at parliament,' said Mrs.
+Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange.
+
+On hearing this, Mrs. Orange set off once more back again to Mr.
+Orange, and said, 'James dear, do come.  The children are playing
+at parliament.'
+
+'Thank you, my dear,' said Mr. Orange, 'but I don't care about
+parliament myself.'
+
+So Mrs. Orange went once again without Mr. Orange to the room where
+the children were having supper, to see them playing at parliament.
+And she found some of the boys crying, 'Hear, hear, hear!' while
+other boys cried 'No, no!' and others, 'Question!' 'Spoke!' and all
+sorts of nonsense that ever you heard.  Then one of those tiresome
+fat boys who had stopped the doorway told them he was on his legs
+(as if they couldn't see that he wasn't on his head, or on his
+anything else) to explain, and that, with the permission of his
+honourable friend, if he would allow him to call him so (another
+tiresome boy bowed), he would proceed to explain.  Then he went on
+for a long time in a sing-song (whatever he meant), did this
+troublesome fat boy, about that he held in his hand a glass; and
+about that he had come down to that house that night to discharge
+what he would call a public duty; and about that, on the present
+occasion, he would lay his hand (his other hand) upon his heart,
+and would tell honourable gentlemen that he was about to open the
+door to general approval.  Then he opened the door by saying, 'To
+our hostess!' and everybody else said 'To our hostess!' and then
+there were cheers.  Then another tiresome boy started up in sing-
+song, and then half a dozen noisy and nonsensical boys at once.
+But at last Mrs. Alicumpaine said, 'I cannot have this din.  Now,
+children, you have played at parliament very nicely; but parliament
+gets tiresome after a little while, and it's time you left off, for
+you will soon be fetched.'
+
+After another dance (with more tearing to rags than before supper),
+they began to be fetched; and you will be very glad to be told that
+the tiresome fat boy who had been on his legs was walked off first
+without any ceremony.  When they were all gone, poor Mrs.
+Alicumpaine dropped upon a sofa, and said to Mrs. Orange, 'These
+children will be the death of me at last, ma'am, - they will
+indeed!'
+
+'I quite adore them, ma'am,' said Mrs. Orange; 'but they DO want
+variety.'
+
+Mr. Orange got his hat, and Mrs. Orange got her bonnet and her
+baby, and they set out to walk home.  They had to pass Mrs. Lemon's
+preparatory establishment on their way.
+
+'I wonder, James dear,' said Mrs. Orange, looking up at the window,
+'whether the precious children are asleep!'
+
+'I don't care much whether they are or not, myself,' said Mr.
+Orange.
+
+'James dear!'
+
+'You dote upon them, you know,' said Mr. Orange.  'That's another
+thing.'
+
+'I do,' said Mrs. Orange rapturously.  'O, I DO!'
+
+'I don't,' said Mr. Orange.
+
+'But I was thinking, James love,' said Mrs. Orange, pressing his
+arm, 'whether our dear, good, kind Mrs. Lemon would like them to
+stay the holidays with her.'
+
+'If she was paid for it, I daresay she would,' said Mr. Orange.
+
+'I adore them, James,' said Mrs. Orange, 'but SUPPOSE we pay her, then!'
+
+This was what brought that country to such perfection, and made it
+such a delightful place to live in.  The grown-up people (that
+would be in other countries) soon left off being allowed any
+holidays after Mr. and Mrs. Orange tried the experiment; and the
+children (that would be in other countries) kept them at school as
+long as ever they lived, and made them do whatever they were told.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Holiday Romance, by Charles Dickens
+
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