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diff --git a/810-0.txt b/810-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9e1785 --- /dev/null +++ b/810-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1587 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, George Silverman's Explanation, by Charles +Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: George Silverman's Explanation + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: December 25, 2014 [eBook #810] +[This file was first posted on February 6, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION*** + + +Transcribed from the 1905 Chapman and Hall “Hard Times and Reprinted +Pieces” edition by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + GEORGE SILVERMAN’S EXPLANATION + + +FIRST CHAPTER + + +IT happened in this wise— + +But, sitting with my pen in my hand looking at those words again, without +descrying any hint in them of the words that should follow, it comes into +my mind that they have an abrupt appearance. They may serve, however, if +I let them remain, to suggest how very difficult I find it to begin to +explain my explanation. An uncouth phrase: and yet I do not see my way +to a better. + + + + +SECOND CHAPTER + + +IT happened in _this_ wise— + +But, looking at those words, and comparing them with my former opening, I +find they are the self-same words repeated. This is the more surprising +to me, because I employ them in quite a new connection. For indeed I +declare that my intention was to discard the commencement I first had in +my thoughts, and to give the preference to another of an entirely +different nature, dating my explanation from an anterior period of my +life. I will make a third trial, without erasing this second failure, +protesting that it is not my design to conceal any of my infirmities, +whether they be of head or heart. + + + + +THIRD CHAPTER + + +NOT as yet directly aiming at how it came to pass, I will come upon it by +degrees. The natural manner, after all, for God knows that is how it +came upon me. + +My parents were in a miserable condition of life, and my infant home was +a cellar in Preston. I recollect the sound of father’s Lancashire clogs +on the street pavement above, as being different in my young hearing from +the sound of all other clogs; and I recollect, that, when mother came +down the cellar-steps, I used tremblingly to speculate on her feet having +a good or an ill-tempered look,—on her knees,—on her waist,—until finally +her face came into view, and settled the question. From this it will be +seen that I was timid, and that the cellar-steps were steep, and that the +doorway was very low. + +Mother had the gripe and clutch of poverty upon her face, upon her +figure, and not least of all upon her voice. Her sharp and high-pitched +words were squeezed out of her, as by the compression of bony fingers on +a leathern bag; and she had a way of rolling her eyes about and about the +cellar, as she scolded, that was gaunt and hungry. Father, with his +shoulders rounded, would sit quiet on a three-legged stool, looking at +the empty grate, until she would pluck the stool from under him, and bid +him go bring some money home. Then he would dismally ascend the steps; +and I, holding my ragged shirt and trousers together with a hand (my only +braces), would feint and dodge from mother’s pursuing grasp at my hair. + +A worldly little devil was mother’s usual name for me. Whether I cried +for that I was in the dark, or for that it was cold, or for that I was +hungry, or whether I squeezed myself into a warm corner when there was a +fire, or ate voraciously when there was food, she would still say, ‘O, +you worldly little devil!’ And the sting of it was, that I quite well +knew myself to be a worldly little devil. Worldly as to wanting to be +housed and warmed, worldly as to wanting to be fed, worldly as to the +greed with which I inwardly compared how much I got of those good things +with how much father and mother got, when, rarely, those good things were +going. + +Sometimes they both went away seeking work; and then I would be locked up +in the cellar for a day or two at a time. I was at my worldliest then. +Left alone, I yielded myself up to a worldly yearning for enough of +anything (except misery), and for the death of mother’s father, who was a +machine-maker at Birmingham, and on whose decease, I had heard mother +say, she would come into a whole courtful of houses ‘if she had her +rights.’ Worldly little devil, I would stand about, musingly fitting my +cold bare feet into cracked bricks and crevices of the damp +cellar-floor,—walking over my grandfather’s body, so to speak, into the +courtful of houses, and selling them for meat and drink, and clothes to +wear. + +At last a change came down into our cellar. The universal change came +down even as low as that,—so will it mount to any height on which a human +creature can perch,—and brought other changes with it. + +We had a heap of I don’t know what foul litter in the darkest corner, +which we called ‘the bed.’ For three days mother lay upon it without +getting up, and then began at times to laugh. If I had ever heard her +laugh before, it had been so seldom that the strange sound frightened me. +It frightened father too; and we took it by turns to give her water. +Then she began to move her head from side to side, and sing. After that, +she getting no better, father fell a-laughing and a-singing; and then +there was only I to give them both water, and they both died. + + + + +FOURTH CHAPTER + + +WHEN I was lifted out of the cellar by two men, of whom one came peeping +down alone first, and ran away and brought the other, I could hardly bear +the light of the street. I was sitting in the road-way, blinking at it, +and at a ring of people collected around me, but not close to me, when, +true to my character of worldly little devil, I broke silence by saying, +‘I am hungry and thirsty!’ + +‘Does he know they are dead?’ asked one of another. + +‘Do you know your father and mother are both dead of fever?’ asked a +third of me severely. + +‘I don’t know what it is to be dead. I supposed it meant that, when the +cup rattled against their teeth, and the water spilt over them. I am +hungry and thirsty.’ That was all I had to say about it. + +The ring of people widened outward from the inner side as I looked around +me; and I smelt vinegar, and what I know to be camphor, thrown in towards +where I sat. Presently some one put a great vessel of smoking vinegar on +the ground near me; and then they all looked at me in silent horror as I +ate and drank of what was brought for me. I knew at the time they had a +horror of me, but I couldn’t help it. + +I was still eating and drinking, and a murmur of discussion had begun to +arise respecting what was to be done with me next, when I heard a cracked +voice somewhere in the ring say, ‘My name is Hawkyard, Mr. Verity +Hawkyard, of West Bromwich.’ Then the ring split in one place; and a +yellow-faced, peak-nosed gentleman, clad all in iron-gray to his gaiters, +pressed forward with a policeman and another official of some sort. He +came forward close to the vessel of smoking vinegar; from which he +sprinkled himself carefully, and me copiously. + +‘He had a grandfather at Birmingham, this young boy, who is just dead +too,’ said Mr. Hawkyard. + +I turned my eyes upon the speaker, and said in a ravening manner, +‘Where’s his houses?’ + +‘Hah! Horrible worldliness on the edge of the grave,’ said Mr. Hawkyard, +casting more of the vinegar over me, as if to get my devil out of me. ‘I +have undertaken a slight—a very slight—trust in behalf of this boy; quite +a voluntary trust: a matter of mere honour, if not of mere sentiment: +still I have taken it upon myself, and it shall be (O, yes, it shall be!) +discharged.’ + +The bystanders seemed to form an opinion of this gentleman much more +favourable than their opinion of me. + +‘He shall be taught,’ said Mr. Hawkyard, ‘(O, yes, he shall be taught!) +but what is to be done with him for the present? He may be infected. He +may disseminate infection.’ The ring widened considerably. ‘What is to +be done with him?’ + +He held some talk with the two officials. I could distinguish no word +save ‘Farm-house.’ There was another sound several times repeated, which +was wholly meaningless in my ears then, but which I knew afterwards to be +‘Hoghton Towers.’ + +‘Yes,’ said Mr. Hawkyard. ‘I think that sounds promising; I think that +sounds hopeful. And he can be put by himself in a ward, for a night or +two, you say?’ + +It seemed to be the police-officer who had said so; for it was he who +replied, Yes! It was he, too, who finally took me by the arm, and walked +me before him through the streets, into a whitewashed room in a bare +building, where I had a chair to sit in, a table to sit at, an iron +bedstead and good mattress to lie upon, and a rug and blanket to cover +me. Where I had enough to eat too, and was shown how to clean the tin +porringer in which it was conveyed to me, until it was as good as a +looking-glass. Here, likewise, I was put in a bath, and had new clothes +brought to me; and my old rags were burnt, and I was camphored and +vinegared and disinfected in a variety of ways. + +When all this was done,—I don’t know in how many days or how few, but it +matters not,—Mr. Hawkyard stepped in at the door, remaining close to it, +and said, ‘Go and stand against the opposite wall, George Silverman. As +far off as you can. That’ll do. How do you feel?’ + +I told him that I didn’t feel cold, and didn’t feel hungry, and didn’t +feel thirsty. That was the whole round of human feelings, as far as I +knew, except the pain of being beaten. + +‘Well,’ said he, ‘you are going, George, to a healthy farm-house to be +purified. Keep in the air there as much as you can. Live an out-of-door +life there, until you are fetched away. You had better not say much—in +fact, you had better be very careful not to say anything—about what your +parents died of, or they might not like to take you in. Behave well, and +I’ll put you to school; O, yes! I’ll put you to school, though I’m not +obligated to do it. I am a servant of the Lord, George; and I have been +a good servant to him, I have, these five-and-thirty years. The Lord has +had a good servant in me, and he knows it.’ + +What I then supposed him to mean by this, I cannot imagine. As little do +I know when I began to comprehend that he was a prominent member of some +obscure denomination or congregation, every member of which held forth to +the rest when so inclined, and among whom he was called Brother Hawkyard. +It was enough for me to know, on that day in the ward, that the farmer’s +cart was waiting for me at the street corner. I was not slow to get into +it; for it was the first ride I ever had in my life. + +It made me sleepy, and I slept. First, I stared at Preston streets as +long as they lasted; and, meanwhile, I may have had some small dumb +wondering within me whereabouts our cellar was; but I doubt it. Such a +worldly little devil was I, that I took no thought who would bury father +and mother, or where they would be buried, or when. The question whether +the eating and drinking by day, and the covering by night, would be as +good at the farm-house as at the ward superseded those questions. + +The jolting of the cart on a loose stony road awoke me; and I found that +we were mounting a steep hill, where the road was a rutty by-road through +a field. And so, by fragments of an ancient terrace, and by some rugged +outbuildings that had once been fortified, and passing under a ruined +gateway we came to the old farm-house in the thick stone wall outside the +old quadrangle of Hoghton Towers: which I looked at like a stupid savage, +seeing no specially in, seeing no antiquity in; assuming all farm-houses +to resemble it; assigning the decay I noticed to the one potent cause of +all ruin that I knew,—poverty; eyeing the pigeons in their flights, the +cattle in their stalls, the ducks in the pond, and the fowls pecking +about the yard, with a hungry hope that plenty of them might be killed +for dinner while I stayed there; wondering whether the scrubbed dairy +vessels, drying in the sunlight, could be goodly porringers out of which +the master ate his belly-filling food, and which he polished when he had +done, according to my ward experience; shrinkingly doubtful whether the +shadows, passing over that airy height on the bright spring day, were not +something in the nature of frowns,—sordid, afraid, unadmiring,—a small +brute to shudder at. + +To that time I had never had the faintest impression of duty. I had had +no knowledge whatever that there was anything lovely in this life. When +I had occasionally slunk up the cellar-steps into the street, and glared +in at shop-windows, I had done so with no higher feelings than we may +suppose to animate a mangy young dog or wolf-cub. It is equally the fact +that I had never been alone, in the sense of holding unselfish converse +with myself. I had been solitary often enough, but nothing better. + +Such was my condition when I sat down to my dinner that day, in the +kitchen of the old farm-house. Such was my condition when I lay on my +bed in the old farm-house that night, stretched out opposite the narrow +mullioned window, in the cold light of the moon, like a young vampire. + + + + +FIFTH CHAPTER + + +WHAT do I know of Hoghton Towers? Very little; for I have been +gratefully unwilling to disturb my first impressions. A house, centuries +old, on high ground a mile or so removed from the road between Preston +and Blackburn, where the first James of England, in his hurry to make +money by making baronets, perhaps made some of those remunerative +dignitaries. A house, centuries old, deserted and falling to pieces, its +woods and gardens long since grass-land or ploughed up, the Rivers Ribble +and Darwen glancing below it, and a vague haze of smoke, against which +not even the supernatural prescience of the first Stuart could foresee a +counter-blast, hinting at steam-power, powerful in two distances. + +What did I know then of Hoghton Towers? When I first peeped in at the +gate of the lifeless quadrangle, and started from the mouldering statue +becoming visible to me like its guardian ghost; when I stole round by the +back of the farm-house, and got in among the ancient rooms, many of them +with their floors and ceilings falling, the beams and rafters hanging +dangerously down, the plaster dropping as I trod, the oaken panels +stripped away, the windows half walled up, half broken; when I discovered +a gallery commanding the old kitchen, and looked down between balustrades +upon a massive old table and benches, fearing to see I know not what +dead-alive creatures come in and seat themselves, and look up with I know +not what dreadful eyes, or lack of eyes, at me; when all over the house I +was awed by gaps and chinks where the sky stared sorrowfully at me, where +the birds passed, and the ivy rustled, and the stains of winter weather +blotched the rotten floors; when down at the bottom of dark pits of +staircase, into which the stairs had sunk, green leaves trembled, +butterflies fluttered, and bees hummed in and out through the broken +door-ways; when encircling the whole ruin were sweet scents, and sights +of fresh green growth, and ever-renewing life, that I had never dreamed +of,—I say, when I passed into such clouded perception of these things as +my dark soul could compass, what did I know then of Hoghton Towers? + +I have written that the sky stared sorrowfully at me. Therein have I +anticipated the answer. I knew that all these things looked sorrowfully +at me; that they seemed to sigh or whisper, not without pity for me, +‘Alas! poor worldly little devil!’ + +There were two or three rats at the bottom of one of the smaller pits of +broken staircase when I craned over and looked in. They were scuffling +for some prey that was there; and, when they started and hid themselves +close together in the dark, I thought of the old life (it had grown old +already) in the cellar. + +How not to be this worldly little devil? how not to have a repugnance +towards myself as I had towards the rats? I hid in a corner of one of +the smaller chambers, frightened at myself, and crying (it was the first +time I had ever cried for any cause not purely physical), and I tried to +think about it. One of the farm-ploughs came into my range of view just +then; and it seemed to help me as it went on with its two horses up and +down the field so peacefully and quietly. + +There was a girl of about my own age in the farm-house family, and she +sat opposite to me at the narrow table at meal-times. It had come into +my mind, at our first dinner, that she might take the fever from me. The +thought had not disquieted me then. I had only speculated how she would +look under the altered circumstances, and whether she would die. But it +came into my mind now, that I might try to prevent her taking the fever +by keeping away from her. I knew I should have but scrambling board if I +did; so much the less worldly and less devilish the deed would be, I +thought. + +From that hour, I withdrew myself at early morning into secret corners of +the ruined house, and remained hidden there until she went to bed. At +first, when meals were ready, I used to hear them calling me; and then my +resolution weakened. But I strengthened it again by going farther off +into the ruin, and getting out of hearing. I often watched for her at +the dim windows; and, when I saw that she was fresh and rosy, felt much +happier. + +Out of this holding her in my thoughts, to the humanising of myself, I +suppose some childish love arose within me. I felt, in some sort, +dignified by the pride of protecting her,—by the pride of making the +sacrifice for her. As my heart swelled with that new feeling, it +insensibly softened about mother and father. It seemed to have been +frozen before, and now to be thawed. The old ruin and all the lovely +things that haunted it were not sorrowful for me only, but sorrowful for +mother and father as well. Therefore did I cry again, and often too. + +The farm-house family conceived me to be of a morose temper, and were +very short with me; though they never stinted me in such broken fare as +was to be got out of regular hours. One night when I lifted the kitchen +latch at my usual time, Sylvia (that was her pretty name) had but just +gone out of the room. Seeing her ascending the opposite stairs, I stood +still at the door. She had heard the clink of the latch, and looked +round. + +‘George,’ she called to me in a pleased voice, ‘to-morrow is my birthday; +and we are to have a fiddler, and there’s a party of boys and girls +coming in a cart, and we shall dance. I invite you. Be sociable for +once, George.’ + +‘I am very sorry, miss,’ I answered; ‘but I—but, no; I can’t come.’ + +‘You are a disagreeable, ill-humoured lad,’ she returned disdainfully; +‘and I ought not to have asked you. I shall never speak to you again.’ + +As I stood with my eyes fixed on the fire, after she was gone, I felt +that the farmer bent his brows upon me. + +‘Eh, lad!’ said he; ‘Sylvy’s right. You’re as moody and broody a lad as +never I set eyes on yet.’ + +I tried to assure him that I meant no harm; but he only said coldly, +‘Maybe not, maybe not! There, get thy supper, get thy supper; and then +thou canst sulk to thy heart’s content again.’ + +Ah! if they could have seen me next day, in the ruin, watching for the +arrival of the cart full of merry young guests; if they could have seen +me at night, gliding out from behind the ghostly statue, listening to the +music and the fall of dancing feet, and watching the lighted farm-house +windows from the quadrangle when all the ruin was dark; if they could +have read my heart, as I crept up to bed by the back way, comforting +myself with the reflection, ‘They will take no hurt from me,’—they would +not have thought mine a morose or an unsocial nature. + +It was in these ways that I began to form a shy disposition; to be of a +timidly silent character under misconstruction; to have an inexpressible, +perhaps a morbid, dread of ever being sordid or worldly. It was in these +ways that my nature came to shape itself to such a mould, even before it +was affected by the influences of the studious and retired life of a poor +scholar. + + + + +SIXTH CHAPTER + + +BROTHER HAWKYARD (as he insisted on my calling him) put me to school, and +told me to work my way. ‘You are all right, George,’ he said. ‘I have +been the best servant the Lord has had in his service for this +five-and-thirty year (O, I have!); and he knows the value of such a +servant as I have been to him (O, yes, he does!); and he’ll prosper your +schooling as a part of my reward. That’s what _he_’ll do, George. He’ll +do it for me.’ + +From the first I could not like this familiar knowledge of the ways of +the sublime, inscrutable Almighty, on Brother Hawkyard’s part. As I grew +a little wiser, and still a little wiser, I liked it less and less. His +manner, too, of confirming himself in a parenthesis,—as if, knowing +himself, he doubted his own word,—I found distasteful. I cannot tell how +much these dislikes cost me; for I had a dread that they were worldly. + +As time went on, I became a Foundation-boy on a good foundation, and I +cost Brother Hawkyard nothing. When I had worked my way so far, I worked +yet harder, in the hope of ultimately getting a presentation to college +and a fellowship. My health has never been strong (some vapour from the +Preston cellar cleaves to me, I think); and what with much work and some +weakness, I came again to be regarded—that is, by my fellow-students—as +unsocial. + +All through my time as a foundation-boy, I was within a few miles of +Brother Hawkyard’s congregation; and whenever I was what we called a +leave-boy on a Sunday, I went over there at his desire. Before the +knowledge became forced upon me that outside their place of meeting these +brothers and sisters were no better than the rest of the human family, +but on the whole were, to put the case mildly, as bad as most, in respect +of giving short weight in their shops, and not speaking the truth,—I say, +before this knowledge became forced upon me, their prolix addresses, +their inordinate conceit, their daring ignorance, their investment of the +Supreme Ruler of heaven and earth with their own miserable meannesses and +littlenesses, greatly shocked me. Still, as their term for the frame of +mind that could not perceive them to be in an exalted state of grace was +the ‘worldly’ state, I did for a time suffer tortures under my inquiries +of myself whether that young worldly-devilish spirit of mine could +secretly be lingering at the bottom of my non-appreciation. + +Brother Hawkyard was the popular expounder in this assembly, and +generally occupied the platform (there was a little platform with a table +on it, in lieu of a pulpit) first, on a Sunday afternoon. He was by +trade a drysalter. Brother Gimblet, an elderly man with a crabbed face, +a large dog’s-eared shirt-collar, and a spotted blue neckerchief reaching +up behind to the crown of his head, was also a drysalter and an +expounder. Brother Gimblet professed the greatest admiration for Brother +Hawkyard, but (I had thought more than once) bore him a jealous grudge. + +Let whosoever may peruse these lines kindly take the pains here to read +twice my solemn pledge, that what I write of the language and customs of +the congregation in question I write scrupulously, literally, exactly, +from the life and the truth. + +On the first Sunday after I had won what I had so long tried for, and +when it was certain that I was going up to college, Brother Hawkyard +concluded a long exhortation thus: + +‘Well, my friends and fellow-sinners, now I told you when I began, that I +didn’t know a word of what I was going to say to you (and no, I did +not!), but that it was all one to me, because I knew the Lord would put +into my mouth the words I wanted.’ + +(‘That’s it!’ from Brother Gimblet.) + +‘And he did put into my mouth the words I wanted.’ + +(‘So he did!’ from Brother Gimblet.) + +‘And why?’ + +(‘Ah, let’s have that!’ from Brother Gimblet.) + +‘Because I have been his faithful servant for five-and-thirty years, and +because he knows it. For five-and-thirty years! And he knows it, mind +you! I got those words that I wanted on account of my wages. I got ’em +from the Lord, my fellow-sinners. Down! I said, “Here’s a heap of wages +due; let us have something down, on account.” And I got it down, and I +paid it over to you; and you won’t wrap it up in a napkin, nor yet in a +towel, nor yet pocketankercher, but you’ll put it out at good interest. +Very well. Now, my brothers and sisters and fellow-sinners, I am going +to conclude with a question, and I’ll make it so plain (with the help of +the Lord, after five-and-thirty years, I should rather hope!) as that the +Devil shall not be able to confuse it in your heads,—which he would be +overjoyed to do.’ + +(‘Just his way. Crafty old blackguard!’ from Brother Gimblet.) + +‘And the question is this, Are the angels learned?’ + +(‘Not they. Not a bit on it!’ from Brother Gimblet, with the greatest +confidence.) + +‘Not they. And where’s the proof? sent ready-made by the hand of the +Lord. Why, there’s one among us here now, that has got all the learning +that can be crammed into him. _I_ got him all the learning that could be +crammed into him. His grandfather’ (this I had never heard before) ‘was +a brother of ours. He was Brother Parksop. That’s what he was. +Parksop; Brother Parksop. His worldly name was Parksop, and he was a +brother of this brotherhood. Then wasn’t he Brother Parksop?’ + +(‘Must be. Couldn’t help hisself!’ from Brother Gimblet.) + +‘Well, he left that one now here present among us to the care of a +brother-sinner of his (and that brother-sinner, mind you, was a sinner of +a bigger size in his time than any of you; praise the Lord!), Brother +Hawkyard. Me. _I_ got him without fee or reward,—without a morsel of +myrrh, or frankincense, nor yet amber, letting alone the honeycomb,—all +the learning that could be crammed into him. Has it brought him into our +temple, in the spirit? No. Have we had any ignorant brothers and +sisters that didn’t know round O from crooked S, come in among us +meanwhile? Many. Then the angels are _not_ learned; then they don’t so +much as know their alphabet. And now, my friends and fellow-sinners, +having brought it to that, perhaps some brother present—perhaps you, +Brother Gimblet—will pray a bit for us?’ + +Brother Gimblet undertook the sacred function, after having drawn his +sleeve across his mouth, and muttered, ‘Well! I don’t know as I see my +way to hitting any of you quite in the right place neither.’ He said +this with a dark smile, and then began to bellow. What we were specially +to be preserved from, according to his solicitations, was, despoilment of +the orphan, suppression of testamentary intentions on the part of a +father or (say) grandfather, appropriation of the orphan’s +house-property, feigning to give in charity to the wronged one from whom +we withheld his due; and that class of sins. He ended with the petition, +‘Give us peace!’ which, speaking for myself, was very much needed after +twenty minutes of his bellowing. + +Even though I had not seen him when he rose from his knees, steaming with +perspiration, glance at Brother Hawkyard, and even though I had not heard +Brother Hawkyard’s tone of congratulating him on the vigour with which he +had roared, I should have detected a malicious application in this +prayer. Unformed suspicions to a similar effect had sometimes passed +through my mind in my earlier school-days, and had always caused me great +distress; for they were worldly in their nature, and wide, very wide, of +the spirit that had drawn me from Sylvia. They were sordid suspicions, +without a shadow of proof. They were worthy to have originated in the +unwholesome cellar. They were not only without proof, but against proof; +for was I not myself a living proof of what Brother Hawkyard had done? +and without him, how should I ever have seen the sky look sorrowfully +down upon that wretched boy at Hoghton Towers? + +Although the dread of a relapse into a stage of savage selfishness was +less strong upon me as I approached manhood, and could act in an +increased degree for myself, yet I was always on my guard against any +tendency to such relapse. After getting these suspicions under my feet, +I had been troubled by not being able to like Brother Hawkyard’s manner, +or his professed religion. So it came about, that, as I walked back that +Sunday evening, I thought it would be an act of reparation for any such +injury my struggling thoughts had unwillingly done him, if I wrote, and +placed in his hands, before going to college, a full acknowledgment of +his goodness to me, and an ample tribute of thanks. It might serve as an +implied vindication of him against any dark scandal from a rival brother +and expounder, or from any other quarter. + +Accordingly, I wrote the document with much care. I may add with much +feeling too; for it affected me as I went on. Having no set studies to +pursue, in the brief interval between leaving the Foundation and going to +Cambridge, I determined to walk out to his place of business, and give it +into his own hands. + +It was a winter afternoon, when I tapped at the door of his little +counting-house, which was at the farther end of his long, low shop. As I +did so (having entered by the back yard, where casks and boxes were taken +in, and where there was the inscription, ‘Private way to the +counting-house’), a shopman called to me from the counter that he was +engaged. + +‘Brother Gimblet’ (said the shopman, who was one of the brotherhood) ‘is +with him.’ + +I thought this all the better for my purpose, and made bold to tap again. +They were talking in a low tone, and money was passing; for I heard it +being counted out. + +‘Who is it?’ asked Brother Hawkyard, sharply. + +‘George Silverman,’ I answered, holding the door open. ‘May I come in?’ + +Both brothers seemed so astounded to see me that I felt shyer than usual. +But they looked quite cadaverous in the early gaslight, and perhaps that +accidental circumstance exaggerated the expression of their faces. + +‘What is the matter?’ asked Brother Hawkyard. + +‘Ay! what is the matter?’ asked Brother Gimblet. + +‘Nothing at all,’ I said, diffidently producing my document: ‘I am only +the bearer of a letter from myself.’ + +‘From yourself, George?’ cried Brother Hawkyard. + +‘And to you,’ said I. + +‘And to me, George?’ + +He turned paler, and opened it hurriedly; but looking over it, and seeing +generally what it was, became less hurried, recovered his colour, and +said, ‘Praise the Lord!’ + +‘That’s it!’ cried Brother Gimblet. ‘Well put! Amen.’ + +Brother Hawkyard then said, in a livelier strain, ‘You must know, George, +that Brother Gimblet and I are going to make our two businesses one. We +are going into partnership. We are settling it now. Brother Gimblet is +to take one clear half of the profits (O, yes! he shall have it; he shall +have it to the last farthing).’ + +‘D.V.!’ said Brother Gimblet, with his right fist firmly clinched on his +right leg. + +‘There is no objection,’ pursued Brother Hawkyard, ‘to my reading this +aloud, George?’ + +As it was what I expressly desired should be done, after yesterday’s +prayer, I more than readily begged him to read it aloud. He did so; and +Brother Gimblet listened with a crabbed smile. + +‘It was in a good hour that I came here,’ he said, wrinkling up his eyes. +‘It was in a good hour, likewise, that I was moved yesterday to depict +for the terror of evil-doers a character the direct opposite of Brother +Hawkyard’s. But it was the Lord that done it: I felt him at it while I +was perspiring.’ + +After that it was proposed by both of them that I should attend the +congregation once more before my final departure. What my shy reserve +would undergo, from being expressly preached at and prayed at, I knew +beforehand. But I reflected that it would be for the last time, and that +it might add to the weight of my letter. It was well known to the +brothers and sisters that there was no place taken for me in _their_ +paradise; and if I showed this last token of deference to Brother +Hawkyard, notoriously in despite of my own sinful inclinations, it might +go some little way in aid of my statement that he had been good to me, +and that I was grateful to him. Merely stipulating, therefore, that no +express endeavour should be made for my conversion,—which would involve +the rolling of several brothers and sisters on the floor, declaring that +they felt all their sins in a heap on their left side, weighing so many +pounds avoirdupois, as I knew from what I had seen of those repulsive +mysteries,—I promised. + +Since the reading of my letter, Brother Gimblet had been at intervals +wiping one eye with an end of his spotted blue neckerchief, and grinning +to himself. It was, however, a habit that brother had, to grin in an +ugly manner even when expounding. I call to mind a delighted snarl with +which he used to detail from the platform the torments reserved for the +wicked (meaning all human creation except the brotherhood), as being +remarkably hideous. + +I left the two to settle their articles of partnership, and count money; +and I never saw them again but on the following Sunday. Brother Hawkyard +died within two or three years, leaving all he possessed to Brother +Gimblet, in virtue of a will dated (as I have been told) that very day. + +Now I was so far at rest with myself, when Sunday came, knowing that I +had conquered my own mistrust, and righted Brother Hawkyard in the +jaundiced vision of a rival, that I went, even to that coarse chapel, in +a less sensitive state than usual. How could I foresee that the +delicate, perhaps the diseased, corner of my mind, where I winced and +shrunk when it was touched, or was even approached, would be handled as +the theme of the whole proceedings? + +On this occasion it was assigned to Brother Hawkyard to pray, and to +Brother Gimblet to preach. The prayer was to open the ceremonies; the +discourse was to come next. Brothers Hawkyard and Gimblet were both on +the platform; Brother Hawkyard on his knees at the table, unmusically +ready to pray; Brother Gimblet sitting against the wall, grinningly ready +to preach. + +‘Let us offer up the sacrifice of prayer, my brothers and sisters and +fellow-sinners.’ Yes; but it was I who was the sacrifice. It was our +poor, sinful, worldly-minded brother here present who was wrestled for. +The now-opening career of this our unawakened brother might lead to his +becoming a minister of what was called ‘the church.’ That was what _he_ +looked to. The church. Not the chapel, Lord. The church. No rectors, +no vicars, no archdeacons, no bishops, no archbishops, in the chapel, +but, O Lord! many such in the church. Protect our sinful brother from +his love of lucre. Cleanse from our unawakened brother’s breast his sin +of worldly-mindedness. The prayer said infinitely more in words, but +nothing more to any intelligible effect. + +Then Brother Gimblet came forward, and took (as I knew he would) the +text, ‘My kingdom is not of this world.’ Ah! but whose was, my +fellow-sinners? Whose? Why, our brother’s here present was. The only +kingdom he had an idea of was of this world. (‘That’s it!’ from several +of the congregation.) What did the woman do when she lost the piece of +money? Went and looked for it. What should our brother do when he lost +his way? (‘Go and look for it,’ from a sister.) Go and look for it, +true. But must he look for it in the right direction, or in the wrong? +(‘In the right,’ from a brother.) There spake the prophets! He must +look for it in the right direction, or he couldn’t find it. But he had +turned his back upon the right direction, and he wouldn’t find it. Now, +my fellow-sinners, to show you the difference betwixt worldly-mindedness +and unworldly-mindedness, betwixt kingdoms not of this world and kingdoms +_of_ this world, here was a letter wrote by even our worldly-minded +brother unto Brother Hawkyard. Judge, from hearing of it read, whether +Brother Hawkyard was the faithful steward that the Lord had in his mind +only t’other day, when, in this very place, he drew you the picter of the +unfaithful one; for it was him that done it, not me. Don’t doubt that! + +Brother Gimblet then groaned and bellowed his way through my composition, +and subsequently through an hour. The service closed with a hymn, in +which the brothers unanimously roared, and the sisters unanimously +shrieked at me, That I by wiles of worldly gain was mocked, and they on +waters of sweet love were rocked; that I with mammon struggled in the +dark, while they were floating in a second ark. + +I went out from all this with an aching heart and a weary spirit: not +because I was quite so weak as to consider these narrow creatures +interpreters of the Divine Majesty and Wisdom, but because I was weak +enough to feel as though it were my hard fortune to be misrepresented and +misunderstood, when I most tried to subdue any risings of mere +worldliness within me, and when I most hoped that, by dint of trying +earnestly, I had succeeded. + + + + +SEVENTH CHAPTER + + +MY timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a secluded life at +college, and to be little known. No relative ever came to visit me, for +I had no relative. No intimate friends broke in upon my studies, for I +made no intimate friends. I supported myself on my scholarship, and read +much. My college time was otherwise not so very different from my time +at Hoghton Towers. + +Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of social existence, but +believing myself qualified to do my duty in a moderate, though earnest +way, if I could obtain some small preferment in the Church, I applied my +mind to the clerical profession. In due sequence I took orders, was +ordained, and began to look about me for employment. I must observe that +I had taken a good degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good +fellowship, and that my means were ample for my retired way of life. By +this time I had read with several young men; and the occupation increased +my income, while it was highly interesting to me. I once accidentally +overheard our greatest don say, to my boundless joy, ‘That he heard it +reported of Silverman that his gift of quiet explanation, his patience, +his amiable temper, and his conscientiousness made him the best of +coaches.’ May my ‘gift of quiet explanation’ come more seasonably and +powerfully to my aid in this present explanation than I think it will! + +It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my college-rooms +(in a corner where the daylight was sobered), but it is in a much larger +degree referable to the state of my own mind, that I seem to myself, on +looking back to this time of my life, to have been always in the peaceful +shade. I can see others in the sunlight; I can see our boats’ crews and +our athletic young men on the glistening water, or speckled with the +moving lights of sunlit leaves; but I myself am always in the shadow +looking on. Not unsympathetically,—God forbid!—but looking on alone, +much as I looked at Sylvia from the shadows of the ruined house, or +looked at the red gleam shining through the farmer’s windows, and +listened to the fall of dancing feet, when all the ruin was dark that +night in the quadrangle. + +I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of myself above +given. Without such reason, to repeat it would have been mere +boastfulness. + +Among those who had read with me was Mr. Fareway, second son of Lady +Fareway, widow of Sir Gaston Fareway, baronet. This young gentleman’s +abilities were much above the average; but he came of a rich family, and +was idle and luxurious. He presented himself to me too late, and +afterwards came to me too irregularly, to admit of my being of much +service to him. In the end, I considered it my duty to dissuade him from +going up for an examination which he could never pass; and he left +college without a degree. After his departure, Lady Fareway wrote to me, +representing the justice of my returning half my fee, as I had been of so +little use to her son. Within my knowledge a similar demand had not been +made in any other case; and I most freely admit that the justice of it +had not occurred to me until it was pointed out. But I at once perceived +it, yielded to it, and returned the money— + +Mr. Fareway had been gone two years or more, and I had forgotten him, +when he one day walked into my rooms as I was sitting at my books. + +Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, ‘Mr. Silverman, my +mother is in town here, at the hotel, and wishes me to present you to +her.’ + +I was not comfortable with strangers, and I dare say I betrayed that I +was a little nervous or unwilling. ‘For,’ said he, without my having +spoken, ‘I think the interview may tend to the advancement of your +prospects.’ + +It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by a worldly +reason, and I rose immediately. + +Said Mr. Fareway, as we went along, ‘Are you a good hand at business?’ + +‘I think not,’ said I. + +Said Mr. Fareway then, ‘My mother is.’ + +‘Truly?’ said I. + +‘Yes: my mother is what is usually called a managing woman. Doesn’t make +a bad thing, for instance, even out of the spendthrift habits of my +eldest brother abroad. In short, a managing woman. This is in +confidence.’ + +He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was surprised by his doing +so. I said I should respect his confidence, of course, and said no more +on the delicate subject. We had but a little way to walk, and I was soon +in his mother’s company. He presented me, shook hands with me, and left +us two (as he said) to business. + +I saw in my Lady Fareway a handsome, well-preserved lady of somewhat +large stature, with a steady glare in her great round dark eyes that +embarrassed me. + +Said my lady, ‘I have heard from my son, Mr. Silverman, that you would be +glad of some preferment in the church.’ I gave my lady to understand +that was so. + +‘I don’t know whether you are aware,’ my lady proceeded, ‘that we have a +presentation to a living? I say _we_ have; but, in point of fact, _I_ +have.’ + +I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of this. + +Said my lady, ‘So it is: indeed I have two presentations,—one to two +hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in our county,—North +Devonshire,—as you probably know. The first is vacant. Would you like +it?’ + +What with my lady’s eyes, and what with the suddenness of this proposed +gift, I was much confused. + +‘I am sorry it is not the larger presentation,’ said my lady, rather +coldly; ‘though I will not, Mr. Silverman, pay you the bad compliment of +supposing that _you_ are, because that would be mercenary,—and mercenary +I am persuaded you are not.’ + +Said I, with my utmost earnestness, ‘Thank you, Lady Fareway, thank you, +thank you! I should be deeply hurt if I thought I bore the character.’ + +‘Naturally,’ said my lady. ‘Always detestable, but particularly in a +clergyman. You have not said whether you will like the living?’ + +With apologies for my remissness or indistinctness, I assured my lady +that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added that I hoped she +would not estimate my appreciation of the generosity of her choice by my +flow of words; for I was not a ready man in that respect when taken by +surprise or touched at heart. + +‘The affair is concluded,’ said my lady; ‘concluded. You will find the +duties very light, Mr. Silverman. Charming house; charming little +garden, orchard, and all that. You will be able to take pupils. By the +bye! No: I will return to the word afterwards. What was I going to +mention, when it put me out?’ + +My lady stared at me, as if I knew. And I didn’t know. And that +perplexed me afresh. + +Said my lady, after some consideration, ‘O, of course, how very dull of +me! The last incumbent,—least mercenary man I ever saw,—in consideration +of the duties being so light and the house so delicious, couldn’t rest, +he said, unless I permitted him to help me with my correspondence, +accounts, and various little things of that kind; nothing in themselves, +but which it worries a lady to cope with. Would Mr. Silverman also like +to—? Or shall I—?’ + +I hastened to say that my poor help would be always at her ladyship’s +service. + +‘I am absolutely blessed,’ said my lady, casting up her eyes (and so +taking them off me for one moment), ‘in having to do with gentlemen who +cannot endure an approach to the idea of being mercenary!’ She shivered +at the word. ‘And now as to the pupil.’ + +‘The—?’ I was quite at a loss. + +‘Mr. Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is,’ said my lady, +laying her touch upon my coat-sleeve, ‘I do verily believe, the most +extraordinary girl in this world. Already knows more Greek and Latin +than Lady Jane Grey. And taught herself! Has not yet, remember, derived +a moment’s advantage from Mr. Silverman’s classical acquirements. To say +nothing of mathematics, which she is bent upon becoming versed in, and in +which (as I hear from my son and others) Mr. Silverman’s reputation is so +deservedly high!’ + +Under my lady’s eyes I must have lost the clue, I felt persuaded; and yet +I did not know where I could have dropped it. + +‘Adelina,’ said my lady, ‘is my only daughter. If I did not feel quite +convinced that I am not blinded by a mother’s partiality; unless I was +absolutely sure that when you know her, Mr. Silverman, you will esteem it +a high and unusual privilege to direct her studies,—I should introduce a +mercenary element into this conversation, and ask you on what terms—’ + +I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I was troubled, +and did me the honour to comply with my request. + + + + +EIGHTH CHAPTER + + +EVERYTHING in mental acquisition that her brother might have been, if he +would, and everything in all gracious charms and admirable qualities that +no one but herself could be,—this was Adelina. + +I will not expatiate upon her beauty; I will not expatiate upon her +intelligence, her quickness of perception, her powers of memory, her +sweet consideration, from the first moment, for the slow-paced tutor who +ministered to her wonderful gifts. I was thirty then; I am over sixty +now: she is ever present to me in these hours as she was in those, bright +and beautiful and young, wise and fanciful and good. + +When I discovered that I loved her, how can I say? In the first day? in +the first week? in the first month? Impossible to trace. If I be (as I +am) unable to represent to myself any previous period of my life as quite +separable from her attracting power, how can I answer for this one +detail? + +Whensoever I made the discovery, it laid a heavy burden on me. And yet, +comparing it with the far heavier burden that I afterwards took up, it +does not seem to me now to have been very hard to bear. In the knowledge +that I did love her, and that I should love her while my life lasted, and +that I was ever to hide my secret deep in my own breast, and she was +never to find it, there was a kind of sustaining joy or pride, or +comfort, mingled with my pain. + +But later on,—say, a year later on,—when I made another discovery, then +indeed my suffering and my struggle were strong. That other discovery +was— + +These words will never see the light, if ever, until my heart is dust; +until her bright spirit has returned to the regions of which, when +imprisoned here, it surely retained some unusual glimpse of remembrance; +until all the pulses that ever beat around us shall have long been quiet; +until all the fruits of all the tiny victories and defeats achieved in +our little breasts shall have withered away. That discovery was that she +loved me. + +She may have enhanced my knowledge, and loved me for that; she may have +over-valued my discharge of duty to her, and loved me for that; she may +have refined upon a playful compassion which she would sometimes show for +what she called my want of wisdom, according to the light of the world’s +dark lanterns, and loved me for that; she may—she must—have confused the +borrowed light of what I had only learned, with its brightness in its +pure, original rays; but she loved me at that time, and she made me know +it. + +Pride of family and pride of wealth put me as far off from her in my +lady’s eyes as if I had been some domesticated creature of another kind. +But they could not put me farther from her than I put myself when I set +my merits against hers. More than that. They could not put me, by +millions of fathoms, half so low beneath her as I put myself when in +imagination I took advantage of her noble trustfulness, took the fortune +that I knew she must possess in her own right, and left her to find +herself, in the zenith of her beauty and genius, bound to poor rusty, +plodding me. + +No! Worldliness should not enter here at any cost. If I had tried to +keep it out of other ground, how much harder was I bound to try to keep +it out from this sacred place! + +But there was something daring in her broad, generous character, that +demanded at so delicate a crisis to be delicately and patiently +addressed. And many and many a bitter night (O, I found I could cry for +reasons not purely physical, at this pass of my life!) I took my course. + +My lady had, in our first interview, unconsciously overstated the +accommodation of my pretty house. There was room in it for only one +pupil. He was a young gentleman near coming of age, very well connected, +but what is called a poor relation. His parents were dead. The charges +of his living and reading with me were defrayed by an uncle; and he and I +were to do our utmost together for three years towards qualifying him to +make his way. At this time he had entered into his second year with me. +He was well-looking, clever, energetic, enthusiastic; bold; in the best +sense of the term, a thorough young Anglo-Saxon. + +I resolved to bring these two together. + + + + +NINTH CHAPTER + + +SAID I, one night, when I had conquered myself, ‘Mr. Granville,’—Mr. +Granville Wharton his name was,—‘I doubt if you have ever yet so much as +seen Miss Fareway.’ + +‘Well, sir,’ returned he, laughing, ‘you see her so much yourself, that +you hardly leave another fellow a chance of seeing her.’ + +‘I am her tutor, you know,’ said I. + +And there the subject dropped for that time. But I so contrived as that +they should come together shortly afterwards. I had previously so +contrived as to keep them asunder; for while I loved her,—I mean before I +had determined on my sacrifice,—a lurking jealousy of Mr. Granville lay +within my unworthy breast. + +It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fareway Park but they talked +easily together for some time: like takes to like, and they had many +points of resemblance. Said Mr. Granville to me, when he and I sat at +our supper that night, ‘Miss Fareway is remarkably beautiful, sir, +remarkably engaging. Don’t you think so?’ ‘I think so,’ said I. And I +stole a glance at him, and saw that he had reddened and was thoughtful. +I remember it most vividly, because the mixed feeling of grave pleasure +and acute pain that the slight circumstance caused me was the first of a +long, long series of such mixed impressions under which my hair turned +slowly gray. + +I had not much need to feign to be subdued; but I counterfeited to be +older than I was in all respects (Heaven knows! my heart being all too +young the while), and feigned to be more of a recluse and bookworm than I +had really become, and gradually set up more and more of a fatherly +manner towards Adelina. Likewise I made my tuition less imaginative than +before; separated myself from my poets and philosophers; was careful to +present them in their own light, and me, their lowly servant, in my own +shade. Moreover, in the matter of apparel I was equally mindful; not +that I had ever been dapper that way; but that I was slovenly now. + +As I depressed myself with one hand, so did I labour to raise Mr. +Granville with the other; directing his attention to such subjects as I +too well knew interested her, and fashioning him (do not deride or +misconstrue the expression, unknown reader of this writing; for I have +suffered!) into a greater resemblance to myself in my solitary one strong +aspect. And gradually, gradually, as I saw him take more and more to +these thrown-out lures of mine, then did I come to know better and better +that love was drawing him on, and was drawing her from me. + +So passed more than another year; every day a year in its number of my +mixed impressions of grave pleasure and acute pain; and then these two, +being of age and free to act legally for themselves, came before me hand +in hand (my hair being now quite white), and entreated me that I would +unite them together. ‘And indeed, dear tutor,’ said Adelina, ‘it is but +consistent in you that you should do this thing for us, seeing that we +should never have spoken together that first time but for you, and that +but for you we could never have met so often afterwards.’ The whole of +which was literally true; for I had availed myself of my many business +attendances on, and conferences with, my lady, to take Mr. Granville to +the house, and leave him in the outer room with Adelina. + + [Picture: And then these two came before me, hand in hand, and entreated + me that I would unite them] + +I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for her daughter, or +to any marriage that was other than an exchange of her for stipulated +lands, goods, and moneys. But looking on the two, and seeing with full +eyes that they were both young and beautiful; and knowing that they were +alike in the tastes and acquirements that will outlive youth and beauty; +and considering that Adelina had a fortune now, in her own keeping; and +considering further that Mr. Granville, though for the present poor, was +of a good family that had never lived in a cellar in Preston; and +believing that their love would endure, neither having any great +discrepancy to find out in the other,—I told them of my readiness to do +this thing which Adelina asked of her dear tutor, and to send them forth, +husband and wife, into the shining world with golden gates that awaited +them. + +It was on a summer morning that I rose before the sun to compose myself +for the crowning of my work with this end; and my dwelling being near to +the sea, I walked down to the rocks on the shore, in order that I might +behold the sun in his majesty. + +The tranquillity upon the deep, and on the firmament, the orderly +withdrawal of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, the rosy +suffusion of the sky and waters, the ineffable splendour that then burst +forth, attuned my mind afresh after the discords of the night. Methought +that all I looked on said to me, and that all I heard in the sea and in +the air said to me, ‘Be comforted, mortal, that thy life is so short. +Our preparation for what is to follow has endured, and shall endure, for +unimaginable ages.’ + +I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I placed it on their +hands clasped together; but the words with which I had to accompany the +action I could say without faltering, and I was at peace. + +They being well away from my house and from the place after our simple +breakfast, the time was come when I must do what I had pledged myself to +them that I would do,—break the intelligence to my lady. + +I went up to the house, and found my lady in her ordinary business-room. +She happened to have an unusual amount of commissions to intrust to me +that day; and she had filled my hands with papers before I could +originate a word. + +‘My lady,’ I then began, as I stood beside her table. + +‘Why, what’s the matter?’ she said quickly, looking up. + +‘Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have prepared yourself, and +considered a little.’ + +‘Prepared myself; and considered a little! You appear to have prepared +_yourself_ but indifferently, anyhow, Mr. Silverman.’ This mighty +scornfully, as I experienced my usual embarrassment under her stare. + +Said I, in self-extenuation once for all, ‘Lady Fareway, I have but to +say for myself that I have tried to do my duty.’ + +‘For yourself?’ repeated my lady. ‘Then there are others concerned, I +see. Who are they?’ + +I was about to answer, when she made towards the bell with a dart that +stopped me, and said, ‘Why, where is Adelina?’ + +‘Forbear! be calm, my lady. I married her this morning to Mr. Granville +Wharton.’ + +She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, raised her right +hand, and smote me hard upon the cheek. + +‘Give me back those papers! give me back those papers!’ She tore them +out of my hands, and tossed them on her table. Then seating herself +defiantly in her great chair, and folding her arms, she stabbed me to the +heart with the unlooked-for reproach, ‘You worldly wretch!’ + +‘Worldly?’ I cried. ‘Worldly?’ + +‘This, if you please,’—she went on with supreme scorn, pointing me out as +if there were some one there to see,—‘this, if you please, is the +disinterested scholar, with not a design beyond his books! This, if you +please, is the simple creature whom any one could overreach in a bargain! +This, if you please, is Mr. Silverman! Not of this world; not he! He +has too much simplicity for this world’s cunning. He has too much +singleness of purpose to be a match for this world’s double-dealing. +What did he give you for it?’ + +‘For what? And who?’ + +‘How much,’ she asked, bending forward in her great chair, and +insultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on the palm of her +left,—‘how much does Mr. Granville Wharton pay you for getting him +Adelina’s money? What is the amount of your percentage upon Adelina’s +fortune? What were the terms of the agreement that you proposed to this +boy when you, the Rev. George Silverman, licensed to marry, engaged to +put him in possession of this girl? You made good terms for yourself, +whatever they were. He would stand a poor chance against your keenness.’ + +Bewildered, horrified, stunned by this cruel perversion, I could not +speak. But I trust that I looked innocent, being so. + +‘Listen to me, shrewd hypocrite,’ said my lady, whose anger increased as +she gave it utterance; ‘attend to my words, you cunning schemer, who have +carried this plot through with such a practised double face that I have +never suspected you. I had my projects for my daughter; projects for +family connection; projects for fortune. You have thwarted them, and +overreached me; but I am not one to be thwarted and overreached without +retaliation. Do you mean to hold this living another month?’ + +‘Do you deem it possible, Lady Fareway, that I can hold it another hour, +under your injurious words?’ + +‘Is it resigned, then?’ + +‘It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago.’ + +Don’t equivocate, sir. _Is_ it resigned?’ + +‘Unconditionally and entirely; and I would that I had never, never come +near it!’ + +‘A cordial response from me to _that_ wish, Mr. Silverman! But take this +with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would have had you deprived +of it. And though you have resigned it, you will not get quit of me as +easily as you think for. I will pursue you with this story. I will make +this nefarious conspiracy of yours, for money, known. You have made +money by it, but you have at the same time made an enemy by it. _You_ +will take good care that the money sticks to you; I will take good care +that the enemy sticks to you.’ + +Then said I finally, ‘Lady Fareway, I think my heart is broken. Until I +came into this room just now, the possibility of such mean wickedness as +you have imputed to me never dawned upon my thoughts. Your suspicions—’ + +‘Suspicions! Pah!’ said she indignantly. ‘Certainties.’ + +‘Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your suspicions as I call +them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid of foundation in fact. I can +declare no more; except that I have not acted for my own profit or my own +pleasure. I have not in this proceeding considered myself. Once again, +I think my heart is broken. If I have unwittingly done any wrong with a +righteous motive, that is some penalty to pay.’ + +She received this with another and more indignant ‘Pah!’ and I made my +way out of her room (I think I felt my way out with my hands, although my +eyes were open), almost suspecting that my voice had a repulsive sound, +and that I was a repulsive object. + +There was a great stir made, the bishop was appealed to, I received a +severe reprimand, and narrowly escaped suspension. For years a cloud +hung over me, and my name was tarnished. + +But my heart did not break, if a broken heart involves death; for I lived +through it. + +They stood by me, Adelina and her husband, through it all. Those who had +known me at college, and even most of those who had only known me there +by reputation, stood by me too. Little by little, the belief widened +that I was not capable of what was laid to my charge. At length I was +presented to a college-living in a sequestered place, and there I now pen +my explanation. I pen it at my open window in the summer-time, before +me, lying in the churchyard, equal resting-place for sound hearts, +wounded hearts, and broken hearts. I pen it for the relief of my own +mind, not foreseeing whether or no it will ever have a reader. + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION*** + + +******* This file should be named 810-0.txt or 810-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/8/1/810 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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