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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +George Silverman's Explanation by Charles Dickens +Scanned and proofed by David Price +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION + + + + +FIRST CHAPTER + + + +IT happened in this wise - + +But, sitting with my pen in my hand looking at those words again, +without descrying any hint in them of the words that should follow, +it comes into my mind that they have an abrupt appearance. They +may serve, however, if I let them remain, to suggest how very +difficult I find it to begin to explain my explanation. An uncouth +phrase: and yet I do not see my way to a better. + + + +SECOND CHAPTER + + + +IT happened in THIS wise - + +But, looking at those words, and comparing them with my former +opening, I find they are the self-same words repeated. This is the +more surprising to me, because I employ them in quite a new +connection. For indeed I declare that my intention was to discard +the commencement I first had in my thoughts, and to give the +preference to another of an entirely different nature, dating my +explanation from an anterior period of my life. I will make a +third trial, without erasing this second failure, protesting that +it is not my design to conceal any of my infirmities, whether they +be of head or heart. + + + +THIRD CHAPTER + + + +NOT as yet directly aiming at how it came to pass, I will come upon +it by degrees. The natural manner, after all, for God knows that +is how it came upon me. + +My parents were in a miserable condition of life, and my infant +home was a cellar in Preston. I recollect the sound of father's +Lancashire clogs on the street pavement above, as being different +in my young hearing from the sound of all other clogs; and I +recollect, that, when mother came down the cellar-steps, I used +tremblingly to speculate on her feet having a good or an ill- +tempered look, - on her knees, - on her waist, - until finally her +face came into view, and settled the question. From this it will +be seen that I was timid, and that the cellar-steps were steep, and +that the doorway was very low. + +Mother had the gripe and clutch of poverty upon her face, upon her +figure, and not least of all upon her voice. Her sharp and high- +pitched words were squeezed out of her, as by the compression of +bony fingers on a leathern bag; and she had a way of rolling her +eyes about and about the cellar, as she scolded, that was gaunt and +hungry. Father, with his shoulders rounded, would sit quiet on a +three-legged stool, looking at the empty grate, until she would +pluck the stool from under him, and bid him go bring some money +home. Then he would dismally ascend the steps; and I, holding my +ragged shirt and trousers together with a hand (my only braces), +would feint and dodge from mother's pursuing grasp at my hair. + +A worldly little devil was mother's usual name for me. Whether I +cried for that I was in the dark, or for that it was cold, or for +that I was hungry, or whether I squeezed myself into a warm corner +when there was a fire, or ate voraciously when there was food, she +would still say, 'O, you worldly little devil!' And the sting of +it was, that I quite well knew myself to be a worldly little devil. +Worldly as to wanting to be housed and warmed, worldly as to +wanting to be fed, worldly as to the greed with which I inwardly +compared how much I got of those good things with how much father +and mother got, when, rarely, those good things were going. + +Sometimes they both went away seeking work; and then I would be +locked up in the cellar for a day or two at a time. I was at my +worldliest then. Left alone, I yielded myself up to a worldly +yearning for enough of anything (except misery), and for the death +of mother's father, who was a machine-maker at Birmingham, and on +whose decease, I had heard mother say, she would come into a whole +courtful of houses 'if she had her rights.' Worldly little devil, +I would stand about, musingly fitting my cold bare feet into +cracked bricks and crevices of the damp cellar-floor, - walking +over my grandfather's body, so to speak, into the courtful of +houses, and selling them for meat and drink, and clothes to wear. + +At last a change came down into our cellar. The universal change +came down even as low as that, - so will it mount to any height on +which a human creature can perch, - and brought other changes with +it. + +We had a heap of I don't know what foul litter in the darkest +corner, which we called 'the bed.' For three days mother lay upon +it without getting up, and then began at times to laugh. If I had +ever heard her laugh before, it had been so seldom that the strange +sound frightened me. It frightened father too; and we took it by +turns to give her water. Then she began to move her head from side +to side, and sing. After that, she getting no better, father fell +a-laughing and a-singing; and then there was only I to give them +both water, and they both died. + + + +FOURTH CHAPTER + + + +WHEN I was lifted out of the cellar by two men, of whom one came +peeping down alone first, and ran away and brought the other, I +could hardly bear the light of the street. I was sitting in the +road-way, blinking at it, and at a ring of people collected around +me, but not close to me, when, true to my character of worldly +little devil, I broke silence by saying, 'I am hungry and thirsty!' + +'Does he know they are dead?' asked one of another. + +'Do you know your father and mother are both dead of fever?' asked +a third of me severely. + +'I don't know what it is to be dead. I supposed it meant that, +when the cup rattled against their teeth, and the water spilt over +them. I am hungry and thirsty.' That was all I had to say about +it. + +The ring of people widened outward from the inner side as I looked +around me; and I smelt vinegar, and what I know to be camphor, +thrown in towards where I sat. Presently some one put a great +vessel of smoking vinegar on the ground near me; and then they all +looked at me in silent horror as I ate and drank of what was +brought for me. I knew at the time they had a horror of me, but I +couldn't help it. + +I was still eating and drinking, and a murmur of discussion had +begun to arise respecting what was to be done with me next, when I +heard a cracked voice somewhere in the ring say, 'My name is +Hawkyard, Mr. Verity Hawkyard, of West Bromwich.' Then the ring +split in one place; and a yellow-faced, peak-nosed gentleman, clad +all in iron-gray to his gaiters, pressed forward with a policeman +and another official of some sort. He came forward close to the +vessel of smoking vinegar; from which he sprinkled himself +carefully, and me copiously. + +'He had a grandfather at Birmingham, this young boy, who is just +dead too,' said Mr. Hawkyard. + +I turned my eyes upon the speaker, and said in a ravening manner, +'Where's his houses?' + +'Hah! Horrible worldliness on the edge of the grave,' said Mr. +Hawkyard, casting more of the vinegar over me, as if to get my +devil out of me. 'I have undertaken a slight - a very slight - +trust in behalf of this boy; quite a voluntary trust: a matter of +mere honour, if not of mere sentiment: still I have taken it upon +myself, and it shall be (O, yes, it shall be!) discharged.' + +The bystanders seemed to form an opinion of this gentleman much +more favourable than their opinion of me. + +'He shall be taught,' said Mr. Hawkyard, '(O, yes, he shall be +taught!) but what is to be done with him for the present? He may +be infected. He may disseminate infection.' The ring widened +considerably. 'What is to be done with him?' + +He held some talk with the two officials. I could distinguish no +word save 'Farm-house.' There was another sound several times +repeated, which was wholly meaningless in my ears then, but which I +knew afterwards to be 'Hoghton Towers.' + +'Yes,' said Mr. Hawkyard. 'I think that sounds promising; I think +that sounds hopeful. And he can be put by himself in a ward, for a +night or two, you say?' + +It seemed to be the police-officer who had said so; for it was he +who replied, Yes! It was he, too, who finally took me by the arm, +and walked me before him through the streets, into a whitewashed +room in a bare building, where I had a chair to sit in, a table to +sit at, an iron bedstead and good mattress to lie upon, and a rug +and blanket to cover me. Where I had enough to eat too, and was +shown how to clean the tin porringer in which it was conveyed to +me, until it was as good as a looking-glass. Here, likewise, I was +put in a bath, and had new clothes brought to me; and my old rags +were burnt, and I was camphored and vinegared and disinfected in a +variety of ways. + +When all this was done, - I don't know in how many days or how few, +but it matters not, - Mr. Hawkyard stepped in at the door, +remaining close to it, and said, 'Go and stand against the opposite +wall, George Silverman. As far off as you can. That'll do. How +do you feel?' + +I told him that I didn't feel cold, and didn't feel hungry, and +didn't feel thirsty. That was the whole round of human feelings, +as far as I knew, except the pain of being beaten. + +'Well,' said he, 'you are going, George, to a healthy farm-house to +be purified. Keep in the air there as much as you can. Live an +out-of-door life there, until you are fetched away. You had better +not say much - in fact, you had better be very careful not to say +anything - about what your parents died of, or they might not like +to take you in. Behave well, and I'll put you to school; O, yes! +I'll put you to school, though I'm not obligated to do it. I am a +servant of the Lord, George; and I have been a good servant to him, +I have, these five-and-thirty years. The Lord has had a good +servant in me, and he knows it.' + +What I then supposed him to mean by this, I cannot imagine. As +little do I know when I began to comprehend that he was a prominent +member of some obscure denomination or congregation, every member +of which held forth to the rest when so inclined, and among whom he +was called Brother Hawkyard. It was enough for me to know, on that +day in the ward, that the farmer's cart was waiting for me at the +street corner. I was not slow to get into it; for it was the first +ride I ever had in my life. + +It made me sleepy, and I slept. First, I stared at Preston streets +as long as they lasted; and, meanwhile, I may have had some small +dumb wondering within me whereabouts our cellar was; but I doubt +it. Such a worldly little devil was I, that I took no thought who +would bury father and mother, or where they would be buried, or +when. The question whether the eating and drinking by day, and the +covering by night, would be as good at the farm-house as at the +ward superseded those questions. + +The jolting of the cart on a loose stony road awoke me; and I found +that we were mounting a steep hill, where the road was a rutty by- +road through a field. And so, by fragments of an ancient terrace, +and by some rugged outbuildings that had once been fortified, and +passing under a ruined gateway we came to the old farm-house in the +thick stone wall outside the old quadrangle of Hoghton Towers: +which I looked at like a stupid savage, seeing no specially in, +seeing no antiquity in; assuming all farm-houses to resemble it; +assigning the decay I noticed to the one potent cause of all ruin +that I knew, - poverty; eyeing the pigeons in their flights, the +cattle in their stalls, the ducks in the pond, and the fowls +pecking about the yard, with a hungry hope that plenty of them +might be killed for dinner while I stayed there; wondering whether +the scrubbed dairy vessels, drying in the sunlight, could be goodly +porringers out of which the master ate his belly-filling food, and +which he polished when he had done, according to my ward +experience; shrinkingly doubtful whether the shadows, passing over +that airy height on the bright spring day, were not something in +the nature of frowns, - sordid, afraid, unadmiring, - a small brute +to shudder at. + +To that time I had never had the faintest impression of duty. I +had had no knowledge whatever that there was anything lovely in +this life. When I had occasionally slunk up the cellar-steps into +the street, and glared in at shop-windows, I had done so with no +higher feelings than we may suppose to animate a mangy young dog or +wolf-cub. It is equally the fact that I had never been alone, in +the sense of holding unselfish converse with myself. I had been +solitary often enough, but nothing better. + +Such was my condition when I sat down to my dinner that day, in the +kitchen of the old farm-house. Such was my condition when I lay on +my bed in the old farm-house that night, stretched out opposite the +narrow mullioned window, in the cold light of the moon, like a +young vampire. + + + +FIFTH CHAPTER + + + +WHAT do I know of Hoghton Towers? Very little; for I have been +gratefully unwilling to disturb my first impressions. A house, +centuries old, on high ground a mile or so removed from the road +between Preston and Blackburn, where the first James of England, in +his hurry to make money by making baronets, perhaps made some of +those remunerative dignitaries. A house, centuries old, deserted +and falling to pieces, its woods and gardens long since grass-land +or ploughed up, the Rivers Ribble and Darwen glancing below it, and +a vague haze of smoke, against which not even the supernatural +prescience of the first Stuart could foresee a counter-blast, +hinting at steam-power, powerful in two distances. + +What did I know then of Hoghton Towers? When I first peeped in at +the gate of the lifeless quadrangle, and started from the +mouldering statue becoming visible to me like its guardian ghost; +when I stole round by the back of the farm-house, and got in among +the ancient rooms, many of them with their floors and ceilings +falling, the beams and rafters hanging dangerously down, the +plaster dropping as I trod, the oaken panels stripped away, the +windows half walled up, half broken; when I discovered a gallery +commanding the old kitchen, and looked down between balustrades +upon a massive old table and benches, fearing to see I know not +what dead-alive creatures come in and seat themselves, and look up +with I know not what dreadful eyes, or lack of eyes, at me; when +all over the house I was awed by gaps and chinks where the sky +stared sorrowfully at me, where the birds passed, and the ivy +rustled, and the stains of winter weather blotched the rotten +floors; when down at the bottom of dark pits of staircase, into +which the stairs had sunk, green leaves trembled, butterflies +fluttered, and bees hummed in and out through the broken door-ways; +when encircling the whole ruin were sweet scents, and sights of +fresh green growth, and ever-renewing life, that I had never +dreamed of, - I say, when I passed into such clouded perception of +these things as my dark soul could compass, what did I know then of +Hoghton Towers? + +I have written that the sky stared sorrowfully at me. Therein have +I anticipated the answer. I knew that all these things looked +sorrowfully at me; that they seemed to sigh or whisper, not without +pity for me, 'Alas! poor worldly little devil!' + +There were two or three rats at the bottom of one of the smaller +pits of broken staircase when I craned over and looked in. They +were scuffling for some prey that was there; and, when they started +and hid themselves close together in the dark, I thought of the old +life (it had grown old already) in the cellar. + +How not to be this worldly little devil? how not to have a +repugnance towards myself as I had towards the rats? I hid in a +corner of one of the smaller chambers, frightened at myself, and +crying (it was the first time I had ever cried for any cause not +purely physical), and I tried to think about it. One of the farm- +ploughs came into my range of view just then; and it seemed to help +me as it went on with its two horses up and down the field so +peacefully and quietly. + +There was a girl of about my own age in the farm-house family, and +she sat opposite to me at the narrow table at meal-times. It had +come into my mind, at our first dinner, that she might take the +fever from me. The thought had not disquieted me then. I had only +speculated how she would look under the altered circumstances, and +whether she would die. But it came into my mind now, that I might +try to prevent her taking the fever by keeping away from her. I +knew I should have but scrambling board if I did; so much the less +worldly and less devilish the deed would be, I thought. + +From that hour, I withdrew myself at early morning into secret +corners of the ruined house, and remained hidden there until she +went to bed. At first, when meals were ready, I used to hear them +calling me; and then my resolution weakened. But I strengthened it +again by going farther off into the ruin, and getting out of +hearing. I often watched for her at the dim windows; and, when I +saw that she was fresh and rosy, felt much happier. + +Out of this holding her in my thoughts, to the humanising of +myself, I suppose some childish love arose within me. I felt, in +some sort, dignified by the pride of protecting her, - by the pride +of making the sacrifice for her. As my heart swelled with that new +feeling, it insensibly softened about mother and father. It seemed +to have been frozen before, and now to be thawed. The old ruin and +all the lovely things that haunted it were not sorrowful for me +only, but sorrowful for mother and father as well. Therefore did I +cry again, and often too. + +The farm-house family conceived me to be of a morose temper, and +were very short with me; though they never stinted me in such +broken fare as was to be got out of regular hours. One night when +I lifted the kitchen latch at my usual time, Sylvia (that was her +pretty name) had but just gone out of the room. Seeing her +ascending the opposite stairs, I stood still at the door. She had +heard the clink of the latch, and looked round. + +'George,' she called to me in a pleased voice, 'to-morrow is my +birthday; and we are to have a fiddler, and there's a party of boys +and girls coming in a cart, and we shall dance. I invite you. Be +sociable for once, George.' + +'I am very sorry, miss,' I answered; 'but I - but, no; I can't +come.' + +'You are a disagreeable, ill-humoured lad,' she returned +disdainfully; 'and I ought not to have asked you. I shall never +speak to you again.' + +As I stood with my eyes fixed on the fire, after she was gone, I +felt that the farmer bent his brows upon me. + +'Eh, lad!' said he; 'Sylvy's right. You're as moody and broody a +lad as never I set eyes on yet.' + +I tried to assure him that I meant no harm; but he only said +coldly, 'Maybe not, maybe not! There, get thy supper, get thy +supper; and then thou canst sulk to thy heart's content again.' + +Ah! if they could have seen me next day, in the ruin, watching for +the arrival of the cart full of merry young guests; if they could +have seen me at night, gliding out from behind the ghostly statue, +listening to the music and the fall of dancing feet, and watching +the lighted farm-house windows from the quadrangle when all the +ruin was dark; if they could have read my heart, as I crept up to +bed by the back way, comforting myself with the reflection, 'They +will take no hurt from me,' - they would not have thought mine a +morose or an unsocial nature. + +It was in these ways that I began to form a shy disposition; to be +of a timidly silent character under misconstruction; to have an +inexpressible, perhaps a morbid, dread of ever being sordid or +worldly. It was in these ways that my nature came to shape itself +to such a mould, even before it was affected by the influences of +the studious and retired life of a poor scholar. + + + +SIXTH CHAPTER + + + +BROTHER HAWKYARD (as he insisted on my calling him) put me to +school, and told me to work my way. 'You are all right, George,' +he said. 'I have been the best servant the Lord has had in his +service for this five-and-thirty year (O, I have!); and he knows +the value of such a servant as I have been to him (O, yes, he +does!); and he'll prosper your schooling as a part of my reward. +That's what HE'll do, George. He'll do it for me.' + +From the first I could not like this familiar knowledge of the ways +of the sublime, inscrutable Almighty, on Brother Hawkyard's part. +As I grew a little wiser, and still a little wiser, I liked it less +and less. His manner, too, of confirming himself in a parenthesis, +- as if, knowing himself, he doubted his own word, - I found +distasteful. I cannot tell how much these dislikes cost me; for I +had a dread that they were worldly. + +As time went on, I became a Foundation-boy on a good foundation, +and I cost Brother Hawkyard nothing. When I had worked my way so +far, I worked yet harder, in the hope of ultimately getting a +presentation to college and a fellowship. My health has never been +strong (some vapour from the Preston cellar cleaves to me, I +think); and what with much work and some weakness, I came again to +be regarded - that is, by my fellow-students - as unsocial. + +All through my time as a foundation-boy, I was within a few miles +of Brother Hawkyard's congregation; and whenever I was what we +called a leave-boy on a Sunday, I went over there at his desire. +Before the knowledge became forced upon me that outside their place +of meeting these brothers and sisters were no better than the rest +of the human family, but on the whole were, to put the case mildly, +as bad as most, in respect of giving short weight in their shops, +and not speaking the truth, - I say, before this knowledge became +forced upon me, their prolix addresses, their inordinate conceit, +their daring ignorance, their investment of the Supreme Ruler of +heaven and earth with their own miserable meannesses and +littlenesses, greatly shocked me. Still, as their term for the +frame of mind that could not perceive them to be in an exalted +state of grace was the 'worldly' state, I did for a time suffer +tortures under my inquiries of myself whether that young worldly- +devilish spirit of mine could secretly be lingering at the bottom +of my non-appreciation. + +Brother Hawkyard was the popular expounder in this assembly, and +generally occupied the platform (there was a little platform with a +table on it, in lieu of a pulpit) first, on a Sunday afternoon. He +was by trade a drysalter. Brother Gimblet, an elderly man with a +crabbed face, a large dog's-eared shirt-collar, and a spotted blue +neckerchief reaching up behind to the crown of his head, was also a +drysalter and an expounder. Brother Gimblet professed the greatest +admiration for Brother Hawkyard, but (I had thought more than once) +bore him a jealous grudge. + +Let whosoever may peruse these lines kindly take the pains here to +read twice my solemn pledge, that what I write of the language and +customs of the congregation in question I write scrupulously, +literally, exactly, from the life and the truth. + +On the first Sunday after I had won what I had so long tried for, +and when it was certain that I was going up to college, Brother +Hawkyard concluded a long exhortation thus: + +'Well, my friends and fellow-sinners, now I told you when I began, +that I didn't know a word of what I was going to say to you (and +no, I did not!), but that it was all one to me, because I knew the +Lord would put into my mouth the words I wanted.' + +('That's it!' from Brother Gimblet.) + +'And he did put into my mouth the words I wanted.' + +('So he did!' from Brother Gimblet.) + +'And why?' + +('Ah, let's have that!' from Brother Gimblet.) + +'Because I have been his faithful servant for five-and-thirty +years, and because he knows it. For five-and-thirty years! And he +knows it, mind you! I got those words that I wanted on account of +my wages. I got 'em from the Lord, my fellow-sinners. Down! I +said, "Here's a heap of wages due; let us have something down, on +account." And I got it down, and I paid it over to you; and you +won't wrap it up in a napkin, nor yet in a towel, nor yet +pocketankercher, but you'll put it out at good interest. Very +well. Now, my brothers and sisters and fellow-sinners, I am going +to conclude with a question, and I'll make it so plain (with the +help of the Lord, after five-and-thirty years, I should rather +hope!) as that the Devil shall not be able to confuse it in your +heads, - which he would be overjoyed to do.' + +('Just his way. Crafty old blackguard!' from Brother Gimblet.) + +'And the question is this, Are the angels learned?' + +('Not they. Not a bit on it!' from Brother Gimblet, with the +greatest confidence.) + +'Not they. And where's the proof? sent ready-made by the hand of +the Lord. Why, there's one among us here now, that has got all the +learning that can be crammed into him. I got him all the learning +that could be crammed into him. His grandfather' (this I had never +heard before) 'was a brother of ours. He was Brother Parksop. +That's what he was. Parksop; Brother Parksop. His worldly name +was Parksop, and he was a brother of this brotherhood. Then wasn't +he Brother Parksop?' + +('Must be. Couldn't help hisself!' from Brother Gimblet.) + +'Well, he left that one now here present among us to the care of a +brother-sinner of his (and that brother-sinner, mind you, was a +sinner of a bigger size in his time than any of you; praise the +Lord!), Brother Hawkyard. Me. I got him without fee or reward, - +without a morsel of myrrh, or frankincense, nor yet amber, letting +alone the honeycomb, - all the learning that could be crammed into +him. Has it brought him into our temple, in the spirit? No. Have +we had any ignorant brothers and sisters that didn't know round O +from crooked S, come in among us meanwhile? Many. Then the angels +are NOT learned; then they don't so much as know their alphabet. +And now, my friends and fellow-sinners, having brought it to that, +perhaps some brother present - perhaps you, Brother Gimblet - will +pray a bit for us?' + +Brother Gimblet undertook the sacred function, after having drawn +his sleeve across his mouth, and muttered, 'Well! I don't know as +I see my way to hitting any of you quite in the right place +neither.' He said this with a dark smile, and then began to +bellow. What we were specially to be preserved from, according to +his solicitations, was, despoilment of the orphan, suppression of +testamentary intentions on the part of a father or (say) +grandfather, appropriation of the orphan's house-property, feigning +to give in charity to the wronged one from whom we withheld his +due; and that class of sins. He ended with the petition, 'Give us +peace!' which, speaking for myself, was very much needed after +twenty minutes of his bellowing. + +Even though I had not seen him when he rose from his knees, +steaming with perspiration, glance at Brother Hawkyard, and even +though I had not heard Brother Hawkyard's tone of congratulating +him on the vigour with which he had roared, I should have detected +a malicious application in this prayer. Unformed suspicions to a +similar effect had sometimes passed through my mind in my earlier +school-days, and had always caused me great distress; for they were +worldly in their nature, and wide, very wide, of the spirit that +had drawn me from Sylvia. They were sordid suspicions, without a +shadow of proof. They were worthy to have originated in the +unwholesome cellar. They were not only without proof, but against +proof; for was I not myself a living proof of what Brother Hawkyard +had done? and without him, how should I ever have seen the sky look +sorrowfully down upon that wretched boy at Hoghton Towers? + +Although the dread of a relapse into a stage of savage selfishness +was less strong upon me as I approached manhood, and could act in +an increased degree for myself, yet I was always on my guard +against any tendency to such relapse. After getting these +suspicions under my feet, I had been troubled by not being able to +like Brother Hawkyard's manner, or his professed religion. So it +came about, that, as I walked back that Sunday evening, I thought +it would be an act of reparation for any such injury my struggling +thoughts had unwillingly done him, if I wrote, and placed in his +hands, before going to college, a full acknowledgment of his +goodness to me, and an ample tribute of thanks. It might serve as +an implied vindication of him against any dark scandal from a rival +brother and expounder, or from any other quarter. + +Accordingly, I wrote the document with much care. I may add with +much feeling too; for it affected me as I went on. Having no set +studies to pursue, in the brief interval between leaving the +Foundation and going to Cambridge, I determined to walk out to his +place of business, and give it into his own hands. + +It was a winter afternoon, when I tapped at the door of his little +counting-house, which was at the farther end of his long, low shop. +As I did so (having entered by the back yard, where casks and boxes +were taken in, and where there was the inscription, 'Private way to +the counting-house'), a shopman called to me from the counter that +he was engaged. + +'Brother Gimblet' (said the shopman, who was one of the +brotherhood) 'is with him.' + +I thought this all the better for my purpose, and made bold to tap +again. They were talking in a low tone, and money was passing; for +I heard it being counted out. + +'Who is it?' asked Brother Hawkyard, sharply. + +'George Silverman,' I answered, holding the door open. 'May I come +in?' + +Both brothers seemed so astounded to see me that I felt shyer than +usual. But they looked quite cadaverous in the early gaslight, and +perhaps that accidental circumstance exaggerated the expression of +their faces. + +'What is the matter?' asked Brother Hawkyard. + +'Ay! what is the matter?' asked Brother Gimblet. + +'Nothing at all,' I said, diffidently producing my document: 'I am +only the bearer of a letter from myself.' + +'From yourself, George?' cried Brother Hawkyard. + +'And to you,' said I. + +'And to me, George?' + +He turned paler, and opened it hurriedly; but looking over it, and +seeing generally what it was, became less hurried, recovered his +colour, and said, 'Praise the Lord!' + +'That's it!' cried Brother Gimblet. 'Well put! Amen.' + +Brother Hawkyard then said, in a livelier strain, 'You must know, +George, that Brother Gimblet and I are going to make our two +businesses one. We are going into partnership. We are settling it +now. Brother Gimblet is to take one clear half of the profits (O, +yes! he shall have it; he shall have it to the last farthing).' + +'D.V.!' said Brother Gimblet, with his right fist firmly clinched +on his right leg. + +'There is no objection,' pursued Brother Hawkyard, 'to my reading +this aloud, George?' + +As it was what I expressly desired should be done, after +yesterday's prayer, I more than readily begged him to read it +aloud. He did so; and Brother Gimblet listened with a crabbed +smile. + +'It was in a good hour that I came here,' he said, wrinkling up his +eyes. 'It was in a good hour, likewise, that I was moved yesterday +to depict for the terror of evil-doers a character the direct +opposite of Brother Hawkyard's. But it was the Lord that done it: +I felt him at it while I was perspiring.' + +After that it was proposed by both of them that I should attend the +congregation once more before my final departure. What my shy +reserve would undergo, from being expressly preached at and prayed +at, I knew beforehand. But I reflected that it would be for the +last time, and that it might add to the weight of my letter. It +was well known to the brothers and sisters that there was no place +taken for me in THEIR paradise; and if I showed this last token of +deference to Brother Hawkyard, notoriously in despite of my own +sinful inclinations, it might go some little way in aid of my +statement that he had been good to me, and that I was grateful to +him. Merely stipulating, therefore, that no express endeavour +should be made for my conversion, - which would involve the rolling +of several brothers and sisters on the floor, declaring that they +felt all their sins in a heap on their left side, weighing so many +pounds avoirdupois, as I knew from what I had seen of those +repulsive mysteries, - I promised. + +Since the reading of my letter, Brother Gimblet had been at +intervals wiping one eye with an end of his spotted blue +neckerchief, and grinning to himself. It was, however, a habit +that brother had, to grin in an ugly manner even when expounding. +I call to mind a delighted snarl with which he used to detail from +the platform the torments reserved for the wicked (meaning all +human creation except the brotherhood), as being remarkably +hideous. + +I left the two to settle their articles of partnership, and count +money; and I never saw them again but on the following Sunday. +Brother Hawkyard died within two or three years, leaving all he +possessed to Brother Gimblet, in virtue of a will dated (as I have +been told) that very day. + +Now I was so far at rest with myself, when Sunday came, knowing +that I had conquered my own mistrust, and righted Brother Hawkyard +in the jaundiced vision of a rival, that I went, even to that +coarse chapel, in a less sensitive state than usual. How could I +foresee that the delicate, perhaps the diseased, corner of my mind, +where I winced and shrunk when it was touched, or was even +approached, would be handled as the theme of the whole proceedings? + +On this occasion it was assigned to Brother Hawkyard to pray, and +to Brother Gimblet to preach. The prayer was to open the +ceremonies; the discourse was to come next. Brothers Hawkyard and +Gimblet were both on the platform; Brother Hawkyard on his knees at +the table, unmusically ready to pray; Brother Gimblet sitting +against the wall, grinningly ready to preach. + +'Let us offer up the sacrifice of prayer, my brothers and sisters +and fellow-sinners.' Yes; but it was I who was the sacrifice. It +was our poor, sinful, worldly-minded brother here present who was +wrestled for. The now-opening career of this our unawakened +brother might lead to his becoming a minister of what was called +'the church.' That was what HE looked to. The church. Not the +chapel, Lord. The church. No rectors, no vicars, no archdeacons, +no bishops, no archbishops, in the chapel, but, O Lord! many such +in the church. Protect our sinful brother from his love of lucre. +Cleanse from our unawakened brother's breast his sin of worldly- +mindedness. The prayer said infinitely more in words, but nothing +more to any intelligible effect. + +Then Brother Gimblet came forward, and took (as I knew he would) +the text, 'My kingdom is not of this world.' Ah! but whose was, my +fellow-sinners? Whose? Why, our brother's here present was. The +only kingdom he had an idea of was of this world. ('That's it!' +from several of the congregation.) What did the woman do when she +lost the piece of money? Went and looked for it. What should our +brother do when he lost his way? ('Go and look for it,' from a +sister.) Go and look for it, true. But must he look for it in the +right direction, or in the wrong? ('In the right,' from a +brother.) There spake the prophets! He must look for it in the +right direction, or he couldn't find it. But he had turned his +back upon the right direction, and he wouldn't find it. Now, my +fellow-sinners, to show you the difference betwixt worldly- +mindedness and unworldly-mindedness, betwixt kingdoms not of this +world and kingdoms OF this world, here was a letter wrote by even +our worldly-minded brother unto Brother Hawkyard. Judge, from +hearing of it read, whether Brother Hawkyard was the faithful +steward that the Lord had in his mind only t'other day, when, in +this very place, he drew you the picter of the unfaithful one; for +it was him that done it, not me. Don't doubt that! + +Brother Gimblet then groaned and bellowed his way through my +composition, and subsequently through an hour. The service closed +with a hymn, in which the brothers unanimously roared, and the +sisters unanimously shrieked at me, That I by wiles of worldly gain +was mocked, and they on waters of sweet love were rocked; that I +with mammon struggled in the dark, while they were floating in a +second ark. + +I went out from all this with an aching heart and a weary spirit: +not because I was quite so weak as to consider these narrow +creatures interpreters of the Divine Majesty and Wisdom, but +because I was weak enough to feel as though it were my hard fortune +to be misrepresented and misunderstood, when I most tried to subdue +any risings of mere worldliness within me, and when I most hoped +that, by dint of trying earnestly, I had succeeded. + + + +SEVENTH CHAPTER + + + +MY timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a secluded life +at college, and to be little known. No relative ever came to visit +me, for I had no relative. No intimate friends broke in upon my +studies, for I made no intimate friends. I supported myself on my +scholarship, and read much. My college time was otherwise not so +very different from my time at Hoghton Towers. + +Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of social +existence, but believing myself qualified to do my duty in a +moderate, though earnest way, if I could obtain some small +preferment in the Church, I applied my mind to the clerical +profession. In due sequence I took orders, was ordained, and began +to look about me for employment. I must observe that I had taken a +good degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good fellowship, and +that my means were ample for my retired way of life. By this time +I had read with several young men; and the occupation increased my +income, while it was highly interesting to me. I once accidentally +overheard our greatest don say, to my boundless joy, 'That he heard +it reported of Silverman that his gift of quiet explanation, his +patience, his amiable temper, and his conscientiousness made him +the best of coaches.' May my 'gift of quiet explanation' come more +seasonably and powerfully to my aid in this present explanation +than I think it will! + +It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my college- +rooms (in a corner where the daylight was sobered), but it is in a +much larger degree referable to the state of my own mind, that I +seem to myself, on looking back to this time of my life, to have +been always in the peaceful shade. I can see others in the +sunlight; I can see our boats' crews and our athletic young men on +the glistening water, or speckled with the moving lights of sunlit +leaves; but I myself am always in the shadow looking on. Not +unsympathetically, - God forbid! - but looking on alone, much as I +looked at Sylvia from the shadows of the ruined house, or looked at +the red gleam shining through the farmer's windows, and listened to +the fall of dancing feet, when all the ruin was dark that night in +the quadrangle. + +I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of myself +above given. Without such reason, to repeat it would have been +mere boastfulness. + +Among those who had read with me was Mr. Fareway, second son of +Lady Fareway, widow of Sir Gaston Fareway, baronet. This young +gentleman's abilities were much above the average; but he came of a +rich family, and was idle and luxurious. He presented himself to +me too late, and afterwards came to me too irregularly, to admit of +my being of much service to him. In the end, I considered it my +duty to dissuade him from going up for an examination which he +could never pass; and he left college without a degree. After his +departure, Lady Fareway wrote to me, representing the justice of my +returning half my fee, as I had been of so little use to her son. +Within my knowledge a similar demand had not been made in any other +case; and I most freely admit that the justice of it had not +occurred to me until it was pointed out. But I at once perceived +it, yielded to it, and returned the money - + +Mr. Fareway had been gone two years or more, and I had forgotten +him, when he one day walked into my rooms as I was sitting at my +books. + +Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, 'Mr. Silverman, my +mother is in town here, at the hotel, and wishes me to present you +to her.' + +I was not comfortable with strangers, and I dare say I betrayed +that I was a little nervous or unwilling. 'For,' said he, without +my having spoken, 'I think the interview may tend to the +advancement of your prospects.' + +It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by a +worldly reason, and I rose immediately. + +Said Mr. Fareway, as we went along, 'Are you a good hand at +business?' + +'I think not,' said I. + +Said Mr. Fareway then, 'My mother is.' + +'Truly?' said I. + +'Yes: my mother is what is usually called a managing woman. +Doesn't make a bad thing, for instance, even out of the spendthrift +habits of my eldest brother abroad. In short, a managing woman. +This is in confidence.' + +He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was surprised by his +doing so. I said I should respect his confidence, of course, and +said no more on the delicate subject. We had but a little way to +walk, and I was soon in his mother's company. He presented me, +shook hands with me, and left us two (as he said) to business. + +I saw in my Lady Fareway a handsome, well-preserved lady of +somewhat large stature, with a steady glare in her great round dark +eyes that embarrassed me. + +Said my lady, 'I have heard from my son, Mr. Silverman, that you +would be glad of some preferment in the church.' I gave my lady to +understand that was so. + +'I don't know whether you are aware,' my lady proceeded, 'that we +have a presentation to a living? I say WE have; but, in point of +fact, I have.' + +I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of this. + +Said my lady, 'So it is: indeed I have two presentations, - one to +two hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in our county, - +North Devonshire, - as you probably know. The first is vacant. +Would you like it?' + +What with my lady's eyes, and what with the suddenness of this +proposed gift, I was much confused. + +'I am sorry it is not the larger presentation,' said my lady, +rather coldly; 'though I will not, Mr. Silverman, pay you the bad +compliment of supposing that YOU are, because that would be +mercenary, - and mercenary I am persuaded you are not.' + +Said I, with my utmost earnestness, 'Thank you, Lady Fareway, thank +you, thank you! I should be deeply hurt if I thought I bore the +character.' + +'Naturally,' said my lady. 'Always detestable, but particularly in +a clergyman. You have not said whether you will like the living?' + +With apologies for my remissness or indistinctness, I assured my +lady that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added that +I hoped she would not estimate my appreciation of the generosity of +her choice by my flow of words; for I was not a ready man in that +respect when taken by surprise or touched at heart. + +'The affair is concluded,' said my lady; 'concluded. You will find +the duties very light, Mr. Silverman. Charming house; charming +little garden, orchard, and all that. You will be able to take +pupils. By the bye! No: I will return to the word afterwards. +What was I going to mention, when it put me out?' + +My lady stared at me, as if I knew. And I didn't know. And that +perplexed me afresh. + +Said my lady, after some consideration, 'O, of course, how very +dull of me! The last incumbent, - least mercenary man I ever saw, +- in consideration of the duties being so light and the house so +delicious, couldn't rest, he said, unless I permitted him to help +me with my correspondence, accounts, and various little things of +that kind; nothing in themselves, but which it worries a lady to +cope with. Would Mr. Silverman also like to -? Or shall I -?' + +I hastened to say that my poor help would be always at her +ladyship's service. + +'I am absolutely blessed,' said my lady, casting up her eyes (and +so taking them off me for one moment), 'in having to do with +gentlemen who cannot endure an approach to the idea of being +mercenary!' She shivered at the word. 'And now as to the pupil.' + +'The -?' I was quite at a loss. + +'Mr. Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is,' said my +lady, laying her touch upon my coat-sleeve, 'I do verily believe, +the most extraordinary girl in this world. Already knows more +Greek and Latin than Lady Jane Grey. And taught herself! Has not +yet, remember, derived a moment's advantage from Mr. Silverman's +classical acquirements. To say nothing of mathematics, which she +is bent upon becoming versed in, and in which (as I hear from my +son and others) Mr. Silverman's reputation is so deservedly high!' + +Under my lady's eyes I must have lost the clue, I felt persuaded; +and yet I did not know where I could have dropped it. + +'Adelina,' said my lady, 'is my only daughter. If I did not feel +quite convinced that I am not blinded by a mother's partiality; +unless I was absolutely sure that when you know her, Mr. Silverman, +you will esteem it a high and unusual privilege to direct her +studies, - I should introduce a mercenary element into this +conversation, and ask you on what terms - ' + +I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I was +troubled, and did me the honour to comply with my request. + + + +EIGHTH CHAPTER + + + +EVERYTHING in mental acquisition that her brother might have been, +if he would, and everything in all gracious charms and admirable +qualities that no one but herself could be, - this was Adelina. + +I will not expatiate upon her beauty; I will not expatiate upon her +intelligence, her quickness of perception, her powers of memory, +her sweet consideration, from the first moment, for the slow-paced +tutor who ministered to her wonderful gifts. I was thirty then; I +am over sixty now: she is ever present to me in these hours as she +was in those, bright and beautiful and young, wise and fanciful and +good. + +When I discovered that I loved her, how can I say? In the first +day? in the first week? in the first month? Impossible to trace. +If I be (as I am) unable to represent to myself any previous period +of my life as quite separable from her attracting power, how can I +answer for this one detail? + +Whensoever I made the discovery, it laid a heavy burden on me. And +yet, comparing it with the far heavier burden that I afterwards +took up, it does not seem to me now to have been very hard to bear. +In the knowledge that I did love her, and that I should love her +while my life lasted, and that I was ever to hide my secret deep in +my own breast, and she was never to find it, there was a kind of +sustaining joy or pride, or comfort, mingled with my pain. + +But later on, - say, a year later on, - when I made another +discovery, then indeed my suffering and my struggle were strong. +That other discovery was - + +These words will never see the light, if ever, until my heart is +dust; until her bright spirit has returned to the regions of which, +when imprisoned here, it surely retained some unusual glimpse of +remembrance; until all the pulses that ever beat around us shall +have long been quiet; until all the fruits of all the tiny +victories and defeats achieved in our little breasts shall have +withered away. That discovery was that she loved me. + +She may have enhanced my knowledge, and loved me for that; she may +have over-valued my discharge of duty to her, and loved me for +that; she may have refined upon a playful compassion which she +would sometimes show for what she called my want of wisdom, +according to the light of the world's dark lanterns, and loved me +for that; she may - she must - have confused the borrowed light of +what I had only learned, with its brightness in its pure, original +rays; but she loved me at that time, and she made me know it. + +Pride of family and pride of wealth put me as far off from her in +my lady's eyes as if I had been some domesticated creature of +another kind. But they could not put me farther from her than I +put myself when I set my merits against hers. More than that. +They could not put me, by millions of fathoms, half so low beneath +her as I put myself when in imagination I took advantage of her +noble trustfulness, took the fortune that I knew she must possess +in her own right, and left her to find herself, in the zenith of +her beauty and genius, bound to poor rusty, plodding me. + +No! Worldliness should not enter here at any cost. If I had tried +to keep it out of other ground, how much harder was I bound to try +to keep it out from this sacred place! + +But there was something daring in her broad, generous character, +that demanded at so delicate a crisis to be delicately and +patiently addressed. And many and many a bitter night (O, I found +I could cry for reasons not purely physical, at this pass of my +life!) I took my course. + +My lady had, in our first interview, unconsciously overstated the +accommodation of my pretty house. There was room in it for only +one pupil. He was a young gentleman near coming of age, very well +connected, but what is called a poor relation. His parents were +dead. The charges of his living and reading with me were defrayed +by an uncle; and he and I were to do our utmost together for three +years towards qualifying him to make his way. At this time he had +entered into his second year with me. He was well-looking, clever, +energetic, enthusiastic; bold; in the best sense of the term, a +thorough young Anglo-Saxon. + +I resolved to bring these two together. + + + +NINTH CHAPTER + + + +SAID I, one night, when I had conquered myself, 'Mr. Granville,' - +Mr. Granville Wharton his name was, - 'I doubt if you have ever yet +so much as seen Miss Fareway.' + +'Well, sir,' returned he, laughing, 'you see her so much yourself, +that you hardly leave another fellow a chance of seeing her.' + +'I am her tutor, you know,' said I. + +And there the subject dropped for that time. But I so contrived as +that they should come together shortly afterwards. I had +previously so contrived as to keep them asunder; for while I loved +her, - I mean before I had determined on my sacrifice, - a lurking +jealousy of Mr. Granville lay within my unworthy breast. + +It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fareway Park but they +talked easily together for some time: like takes to like, and they +had many points of resemblance. Said Mr. Granville to me, when he +and I sat at our supper that night, 'Miss Fareway is remarkably +beautiful, sir, remarkably engaging. Don't you think so?' 'I +think so,' said I. And I stole a glance at him, and saw that he +had reddened and was thoughtful. I remember it most vividly, +because the mixed feeling of grave pleasure and acute pain that the +slight circumstance caused me was the first of a long, long series +of such mixed impressions under which my hair turned slowly gray. + +I had not much need to feign to be subdued; but I counterfeited to +be older than I was in all respects (Heaven knows! my heart being +all too young the while), and feigned to be more of a recluse and +bookworm than I had really become, and gradually set up more and +more of a fatherly manner towards Adelina. Likewise I made my +tuition less imaginative than before; separated myself from my +poets and philosophers; was careful to present them in their own +light, and me, their lowly servant, in my own shade. Moreover, in +the matter of apparel I was equally mindful; not that I had ever +been dapper that way; but that I was slovenly now. + +As I depressed myself with one hand, so did I labour to raise Mr. +Granville with the other; directing his attention to such subjects +as I too well knew interested her, and fashioning him (do not +deride or misconstrue the expression, unknown reader of this +writing; for I have suffered!) into a greater resemblance to myself +in my solitary one strong aspect. And gradually, gradually, as I +saw him take more and more to these thrown-out lures of mine, then +did I come to know better and better that love was drawing him on, +and was drawing her from me. + +So passed more than another year; every day a year in its number of +my mixed impressions of grave pleasure and acute pain; and then +these two, being of age and free to act legally for themselves, +came before me hand in hand (my hair being now quite white), and +entreated me that I would unite them together. 'And indeed, dear +tutor,' said Adelina, 'it is but consistent in you that you should +do this thing for us, seeing that we should never have spoken +together that first time but for you, and that but for you we could +never have met so often afterwards.' The whole of which was +literally true; for I had availed myself of my many business +attendances on, and conferences with, my lady, to take Mr. +Granville to the house, and leave him in the outer room with +Adelina. + +I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for her +daughter, or to any marriage that was other than an exchange of her +for stipulated lands, goods, and moneys. But looking on the two, +and seeing with full eyes that they were both young and beautiful; +and knowing that they were alike in the tastes and acquirements +that will outlive youth and beauty; and considering that Adelina +had a fortune now, in her own keeping; and considering further that +Mr. Granville, though for the present poor, was of a good family +that had never lived in a cellar in Preston; and believing that +their love would endure, neither having any great discrepancy to +find out in the other, - I told them of my readiness to do this +thing which Adelina asked of her dear tutor, and to send them +forth, husband and wife, into the shining world with golden gates +that awaited them. + +It was on a summer morning that I rose before the sun to compose +myself for the crowning of my work with this end; and my dwelling +being near to the sea, I walked down to the rocks on the shore, in +order that I might behold the sun in his majesty. + +The tranquillity upon the deep, and on the firmament, the orderly +withdrawal of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, the rosy +suffusion of the sky and waters, the ineffable splendour that then +burst forth, attuned my mind afresh after the discords of the +night. Methought that all I looked on said to me, and that all I +heard in the sea and in the air said to me, 'Be comforted, mortal, +that thy life is so short. Our preparation for what is to follow +has endured, and shall endure, for unimaginable ages.' + +I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I placed it on +their hands clasped together; but the words with which I had to +accompany the action I could say without faltering, and I was at +peace. + +They being well away from my house and from the place after our +simple breakfast, the time was come when I must do what I had +pledged myself to them that I would do, - break the intelligence to +my lady. + +I went up to the house, and found my lady in her ordinary business- +room. She happened to have an unusual amount of commissions to +intrust to me that day; and she had filled my hands with papers +before I could originate a word. + +'My lady,' I then began, as I stood beside her table. + +'Why, what's the matter?' she said quickly, looking up. + +'Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have prepared +yourself, and considered a little.' + +'Prepared myself; and considered a little! You appear to have +prepared YOURSELF but indifferently, anyhow, Mr. Silverman.' This +mighty scornfully, as I experienced my usual embarrassment under +her stare. + +Said I, in self-extenuation once for all, 'Lady Fareway, I have but +to say for myself that I have tried to do my duty.' + +'For yourself?' repeated my lady. 'Then there are others +concerned, I see. Who are they?' + +I was about to answer, when she made towards the bell with a dart +that stopped me, and said, 'Why, where is Adelina?' + +'Forbear! be calm, my lady. I married her this morning to Mr. +Granville Wharton.' + +She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, raised her +right hand, and smote me hard upon the cheek. + +'Give me back those papers! give me back those papers!' She tore +them out of my hands, and tossed them on her table. Then seating +herself defiantly in her great chair, and folding her arms, she +stabbed me to the heart with the unlooked-for reproach, 'You +worldly wretch!' + +'Worldly?' I cried. 'Worldly?' + +'This, if you please,' - she went on with supreme scorn, pointing +me out as if there were some one there to see, - 'this, if you +please, is the disinterested scholar, with not a design beyond his +books! This, if you please, is the simple creature whom any one +could overreach in a bargain! This, if you please, is Mr. +Silverman! Not of this world; not he! He has too much simplicity +for this world's cunning. He has too much singleness of purpose to +be a match for this world's double-dealing. What did he give you +for it?' + +'For what? And who?' + +'How much,' she asked, bending forward in her great chair, and +insultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on the palm of +her left, - 'how much does Mr. Granville Wharton pay you for +getting him Adelina's money? What is the amount of your percentage +upon Adelina's fortune? What were the terms of the agreement that +you proposed to this boy when you, the Rev. George Silverman, +licensed to marry, engaged to put him in possession of this girl? +You made good terms for yourself, whatever they were. He would +stand a poor chance against your keenness.' + +Bewildered, horrified, stunned by this cruel perversion, I could +not speak. But I trust that I looked innocent, being so. + +'Listen to me, shrewd hypocrite,' said my lady, whose anger +increased as she gave it utterance; 'attend to my words, you +cunning schemer, who have carried this plot through with such a +practised double face that I have never suspected you. I had my +projects for my daughter; projects for family connection; projects +for fortune. You have thwarted them, and overreached me; but I am +not one to be thwarted and overreached without retaliation. Do you +mean to hold this living another month?' + +'Do you deem it possible, Lady Fareway, that I can hold it another +hour, under your injurious words?' + +'Is it resigned, then?' + +'It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago.' + +Don't equivocate, sir. IS it resigned?' + +'Unconditionally and entirely; and I would that I had never, never +come near it!' + +'A cordial response from me to THAT wish, Mr. Silverman! But take +this with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would have had +you deprived of it. And though you have resigned it, you will not +get quit of me as easily as you think for. I will pursue you with +this story. I will make this nefarious conspiracy of yours, for +money, known. You have made money by it, but you have at the same +time made an enemy by it. YOU will take good care that the money +sticks to you; I will take good care that the enemy sticks to you.' + +Then said I finally, 'Lady Fareway, I think my heart is broken. +Until I came into this room just now, the possibility of such mean +wickedness as you have imputed to me never dawned upon my thoughts. +Your suspicions - ' + +'Suspicions! Pah!' said she indignantly. 'Certainties.' + +'Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your suspicions as I +call them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid of foundation in fact. +I can declare no more; except that I have not acted for my own +profit or my own pleasure. I have not in this proceeding +considered myself. Once again, I think my heart is broken. If I +have unwittingly done any wrong with a righteous motive, that is +some penalty to pay.' + +She received this with another and more indignant 'Pah!' and I made +my way out of her room (I think I felt my way out with my hands, +although my eyes were open), almost suspecting that my voice had a +repulsive sound, and that I was a repulsive object. + +There was a great stir made, the bishop was appealed to, I received +a severe reprimand, and narrowly escaped suspension. For years a +cloud hung over me, and my name was tarnished. + +But my heart did not break, if a broken heart involves death; for I +lived through it. + +They stood by me, Adelina and her husband, through it all. Those +who had known me at college, and even most of those who had only +known me there by reputation, stood by me too. Little by little, +the belief widened that I was not capable of what was laid to my +charge. At length I was presented to a college-living in a +sequestered place, and there I now pen my explanation. I pen it at +my open window in the summer-time, before me, lying in the +churchyard, equal resting-place for sound hearts, wounded hearts, +and broken hearts. I pen it for the relief of my own mind, not +foreseeing whether or no it will ever have a reader. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of George Silverman's Explanation + diff --git a/old/gsilx10.zip b/old/gsilx10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..66ccee0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gsilx10.zip |