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diff --git a/8220-0.txt b/8220-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f35a0ab --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17376 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Remarks + +Author: Bill Nye + + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8220] +This file was first posted on July 3, 2003 +Last Updated: March 13, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REMARKS *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +REMARKS + + +By BILL NYE. + +(EDGAR W. NYE.) + + + Ah Sin was his name; + And I shall not deny, + In regard to the same, + What the name might imply: + But his smile it was pensive and childlike, + As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye. + --Bret Harte. + + +With over one hundred and fifty illustrations, +by J.H. SMITH. + + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: Bill Nye] + + +DIRECTIONS. + +This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It is +for all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best +thoughts are contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought +that I thought had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this +book. For that reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When +a man coldly and dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work +all that may not come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large +volume shrink till it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken +clergyman. + +This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the +clamorous appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring +too loudly for a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not +ignore it any more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red +book, succeeded by a dark blue volume, after which I published a green +book, all of which were kindly received by the American people, and, +under the present yielding system of international copyright, greedily +snapped up by some of the tottering dynasties. + +But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a +redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, +thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I +had emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may +be allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and +demanded recognition. + +This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest +and best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books +have passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a +benison when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the +pictures will be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the +housekeeper will find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement +or kill a cockroach. + +The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me. It +is a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are +different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, +all the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a +result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and +attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would +wither them in a moment. + +I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily +endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader +and myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not +willing to do ourselves. + +I cannot be responsible for the board of orphans whose parents read this +book and leave their children in destitute circumstances. + +Bill Nye + + + +CONTENTS. + +About Geology +About Portraits +A Bright Future for Pugilism +Absent Minded +A Calm +Accepting the Laramie Postoffice +A Circular +A Collection of Keys +A Convention +A Father's Advice to his Son +A Father's Letter +A Goat in a Frame +A Great Spiritualist +A Great Upheaval +A Journalistic Tenderfoot +A Letter of Regrets +All About Menials +All About Oratory +Along Lake Superior +A Lumber Camp +A Mountain Snowstorm +Anatomy +Anecdotes of Justice +Anecdotes of the Stage +A New Autograph Album +A New Play +An Operatic Entertainment +Answering an Invitation +Answers to Correspondents +A Peaceable Man +A Picturesque Picnic +A Powerful Speech +Archimedes +A Resign +Arnold Winkelreid +Asking for a Pass +A Spencerian Ass +Astronomy +A Thrilling Experience +A Wallula Night +B. Franklin, Deceased +Biography of Spartacus +Boston Common and Environs +Broncho Sam +Bunker Hill +Care of House Plants +Catching a Buffalo +Causes for Thanksgiving +Chinese Justice +Christopher Columbus +Come Back +Concerning Book Publishing +Concerning Coroners +Crowns and Crowned Heads +Daniel Webster +Dessicated Mule +Dogs and Dog Days +Doosedly Dilatory +“Done It A-Purpose” + Down East Rum +Dr. Dizart's Dog +Drunk in a Plug Hat +Early Day Justice +Eccentricities of Genius +Eccentricity in Lunch +Etiquette at Hotels +Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger +Extracts from a Queen's Diary +Farming in Maine +Favored a Higher Fine +Fifteen Years Apart +Flying Machines +General Sheridan's Horse +George the Third +Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-Brac +Habits of a Literary Man +“Heap Brain” + History of Babylon +Hours With Great Men +How Evolution Evolves +In Acknowledgment +Insomnia in Domestic Animals +In Washington +“I Spy” + I Tried Milling +John Adams +John Adams' Diary +John Adams' Diary, (No. 2.) +John Adams' Diary, (No. 3.) +Knights of the Pen +Letter from New York +Letter to a Communist +Life Insurance as a Health Restorer +Literary Freaks +Lost Money +Lovely Horrors +Man Overbored +Mark Antony +Milling in Pompeii +Modern Architecture +More Paternal Correspondence +Mr. Sweeney's Cat +Murray and the Mormons +Mush and Melody +My Dog +My Experience as an Agriculturist +My Lecture Abroad +My Mine +My Physician +My School Days +Nero +No More Frontier +On Cyclones +One Kind of Fool +Our Forefathers +Parental Advice +Petticoats at the Polls +Picnic Incidents +Plato +Polygamy as a Religious Duty +Preventing a Scandal +Railway Etiquette +Recollections of Noah Webster +Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss +Roller Skating +Rosalinde +Second Letter to the President +She Kind of Coaxed Him +Shorts +Sixty Minutes in America +Skimming the Milky Way +Somnambulism and Crime +Spinal Meningitis +Spring +Squaw Jim +Squaw Jim's Religion +Stirring Incidents at a Fire +Strabismus and Justice +Street Cars and Curiosities +Taxidermy +The Amateur Carpenter +The Approaching Humorist +The Arabian Language +The Average Hen +The Bite of a Mad Dog +The Blase Young Man +The Board of Trade +The Cell Nest +The Chinese God +The Church Debt +The Cow Boy +The Crops +The Duke of Rawhide +The Expensive Word +The Heyday of Life +The Holy Terror +The Indian Orator +The Little Barefoot Boy +The Miner at Home +The Newspaper +The Old South +The Old Subscriber +The Opium Habit +The Photograph Habit +The Poor Blind Pig +The Sedentary Hen +The Silver Dollar +The Snake Indian +The Story of a Struggler +The Wail of a Wife +The Warrior's Oration +The Ways of Doctors +The Weeping Woman +The Wild Cow +They Fell +Time's Changes +To a Married Man +To an Embryo Poet +To Her Majesty +To The President-Elect +Twombley's Tale +Two Ways of Telling It +Venice +Verona +“We” + What We Eat +Woman's Wonderful Influence +Woodtick William's Story +Words About Washington +Wrestling With the Mazy +“You Heah Me, Sah!” + + +[Illustration: WE WERE NOT ON TERMS OF INTIMACY.] + + + + +My School Days. + +Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would +rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me to +use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know about +my early history. + +I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other +great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log +school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full of +hard words and information. + +For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little +effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take +my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so I +stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a +knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This +became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it I +would hesitate. + +A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like those +of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was very +dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the school +house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my toe into +it and thus refresh my memory. + +Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit went +to the head of the class and remained there. + +After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is +where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still +wear. + +My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to leave +it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every evening. +Still, I used to get out once in a while and wander around in the +starlight. I did not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was a kind of +somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my lessons that I +would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the solemn night. + +One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so +ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely +out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon +vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms of +social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our set. +We had never been thrown together before. + +After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had watermelon +conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my somnambulism. I have +never tried to somnambule any more since that time. + +There are other little incidents of my schooldays that come trooping up in +my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their nature. +Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, trying to +do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys of Boston would do +well to study carefully my record and then--do differently. + + + + +Recollections of Noah Webster. + +Mr. Webster, no doubt, had the best command of language of any American +author prior to our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather +disconnected romance known as “Websters Unabridged Dictionary, or How One +Word Led on to Another.” will agree with me that he was smart. Noah never +lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a brainy man and a +good speller. + +It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's great +work--a work that is now in almost every library, school-room and counting +house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had Mr. Webster +lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my books. + +I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it may +seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary labors; +but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely upon my own +responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the interest of +the reader all the way through. + +He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow +them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an +idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the +fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of its +hero. + +Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. A +friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got hold +of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed chained +to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is entirely +out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you believe? + +Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered +in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This shows +great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something else. The +reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful word +painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard so much of +Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was disappointed. It is +cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme. + +As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of +whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long journey +without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the monotony of +many a tedious trip for me. + +Mr. Webster's “Speller” was a work of less pretentions, perhaps, and yet +it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had reached a sale of +40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, +cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last became a close +student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but one thing in this +book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect stampede, that was +even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem. It was so +thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from Mr. +Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write it for +him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman, in the +crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness and +animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly +gentleman. + +Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free to +say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing so, that +his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. Possibly his +book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes no difference. +When I write a book it must engage the interest of the reader, and show +some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and scattering in its +statements. + +I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we +should have a higher object than that. + +I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the +world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but I +speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my work. +If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect to be +criticised. That's the way I look at it. + +P.S.--I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the +Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to throw +it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right that the +public should know the truth. + + + + +To Her Majesty. + +To Queen Victoria, Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the side: + +Dear Madame.--Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised to hear +from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written for some +time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because I had grown +cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon your great success as +a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career socially. As a queen you +have given universal satisfaction, and your family have married well. + +[Illustration: ADVERTISING THE ENTERPRISE.] + +But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another matter. +We are struggling here in America to establish an authors' international +copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all civilized nations may be +protected in their rights to the profits of their literary labor, and the +movement so far has met with generous encouragement. As an author we +desire your aid and endorsement. Could you assist us? We are giving this +season a series of authors' readings in New York to aid in prosecuting the +work, and we would like to know whether we could not depend upon you to +take a part in these readings, rendering selections from your late work. + +I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best +literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your +visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise +your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the +occasion of your debut here. + +[Illustration: QUEEN VIC. READING.] + +An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced rates, +I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. Of course +you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, however. Some of +us travel with our suites and some do not. I generally leave my suite at +home, myself. + +You would not need to make any special change as to costume for the +occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though some +of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those who take a +part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day reigning +clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. We do not +judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes. + +You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear +before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you will +aid in a deserving enterprise. + +It will also promote the sale of your book. + +Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may receive +from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable pride in +getting his books into every household. + +I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as an +authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized +foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international +advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the +true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores. + +This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people. +Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or national +linos. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less than +beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail true merit +just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would anywhere else. +In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who has never tried it +little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard throne all day and write +well. We are to recognize struggling genius wherever it may crop out. It +is no small matter for an almost unknown monarch to reign all day and then +write an article for the press or a chapter for a serial story, only, +perhaps, to have it returned by the publishers. All these things are +drawbacks to a literary life, that we here in America know little of. + +I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will +pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for a few +weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the house and +come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good authors here +now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any one. They are +not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to appear in +company. We generally read selections from our own works, and can have a +brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. For myself, I +prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I read. The audience +also approves of this plan. + +[Illustration: THE ACCOMPANIMENT.] + +We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but it is +now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but wheat is +still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. All of our +canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can them over +again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in Canada last +winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It will be his first +appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our leading American +criminals are going over to see his debut. + +Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave +to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and obedient +servant. + +Bill Nye. + + + + +Habits of a Literary Man. + +The editor of an Eastern health magazine, having asked for information +relative to the habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed +adopted by literary men, and several parties having responded who were no +more essentially saturated with literature than I am, I now take my pen in +hand to reveal the true inwardness of my literary life, so that boys, who +may yearn to follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath the year round +in place of a hat, may know what the personal habits of a literary party +are. + +I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not +because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me +during the day. + +I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to +thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising for +thought will do well to try it. + +I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is needless +to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find little to +interest them here. + +Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe +myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. Others +who do not do so have been equally successful. + +Some literary people bathe before dressing. + +I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some +literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really +nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but +simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the +day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have +got simplicity. + +I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I am +passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on my heart, +that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward craving, this +constant yearning for something better. + +During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel above +my family, at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as possible. +Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the upper side, +are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the mental faculties +around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes. + +After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward to +the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, I +frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and write +1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be $2.50 in +cloth and $4 with Russia back. + +I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live +near by, and of whom I am passionately fond. + +After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After +this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to +attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of +wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the +coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd. + +In winter I do not angle. I read the “Pirate Prince” or the “Missourian's +Mash,” or some other work, not so much for the plot as the style, that I +may get my mind into correct channels of thought I then play “old sledge” + in a rambling sort of manner. I sometimes spend an evening at home, in +order to excite remark and draw attention to my wonderful eccentricity. + +I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am +basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do it, +too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the time. + +Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young +women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted, than a +young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the +influence of liquor. + +I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good, +indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence +of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold +and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a +time when he was full of remorse. + +He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go +into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should die +by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like shooting +into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and now he pays +taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of course, +salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he might have +been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor alone. + + + + +A Father's Letter. + +My dear son.--Your letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I enclose +$13, which is all I have by me at the present time. I may sell the other +shote next week and make up the balance of what you wanted. I will +probably have to wear the old buffalo overcoat to meetings again this +winter, but that don't matter so long as you are getting an education. + +I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps your +mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't +complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes cost +so like sixty. + +I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. I +want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians and +talk to any of them in their own native tongue. + +I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I decided +that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held out, +regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to go as +slow on swallowtail coats as possible till we can sell our hay. + +Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that +bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit, +mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man can't +really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd send home +what you get through with this fall, and I'll wear them through the winter +under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer winters here than we +used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health. Last winter I tried to go +through without underclothes, the way I did when I was a boy, but a +Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a crowd with its eyes +shet. + +In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little “hazing +scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts.” I don't want any harm to +come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts and another +young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I would meet +him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the back of the +neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the pit of his +stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye. + +Your father aint much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square root +of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational institutions to +haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when you tried to haze +your father a little, just to kill time, and how long it took you to +recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good deal of fun with +your father, but those who have sought to monkey with him, just to break +up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded in finding what they +sought. + +[Illustration: RETRIBUTIVE JUSTICE.] + +I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter. We are +all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope this +will find you enjoying the same great blessing. + +Your Father. + + + + +Archimedes. + +Archimedes, whose given name has been accidentally torn off and swallowed +up in oblivion, was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last spring. He was +a philosopher and mathematical expert. During his life he was never +successfully stumped in figures. It ill befits me now, standing by his +new-made grave, to say aught of him that is not of praise. We can only +mourn his untimely death, and wonder which of our little band of great men +will be the next to go. + +Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word “Eureka.” It has +been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have the +Eureka baking powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster, the +Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes wot, +when he invented this term, that it would come into such general use. + +Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place +here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over +Archie's eventful life. + +King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7-1/8, and, after +receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had been +adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if possible, +whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in on No. 3, two +hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for a hot and cold +bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how the dickens he +would settle that crown business. + +He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the +floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his own +bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and, +forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth street +and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a plain gold +ring, shouting “Eureka!” He ran head-first into a Syracuse policeman and +howled “Eureka!” The policeman said: “You'll have to excuse me; I don't +know him.” He scattered the Syracuse Normal school on its way home, and +tried to board a Fifteenth street bob-tail car, yelling “Eureka!” The +car-driver told him that Eureka wasn't on the car, and referred Archimedes +to a clothing store. + +Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, but +found that he had left his money in his other clothes. + +Some thought it was the revised statute of Hercules; that he had become +weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had started +out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is foundered on +fact. + +Archimedes once said: “Give me where I may stand, and I will move the +world.” I could write it in the original Greek, but, fearing that the +nonpareil delirium tremens type might get short, I give it in the English +language. + +It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but I have +a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get printed on +this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his relatives and +friends: + +“WHEREAS, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our midst +Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and +enterprises; and + +“WHEREAS, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of +Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore + +“_Resolved_, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen of Syracuse, +and one who never shook his friends--never weakened or gigged back on +those he loved. + +“_Resolved_, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on the +moments of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that they be +published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&cod, and that marked copies of +said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased.” + + + + +To the President-Elect. + +Dear Sir.--The painful duty of turning over to you the administration of +these United States and the key to the front door of the White House has +been assigned to me. You will find the key hanging inside the storm-door, +and the cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. I have made a +great many suggestions to the outgoing administration relative to the +transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the Interior to that +of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been a great source of +annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped one of my most +valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not complain of that. +This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good paying property if +properly worked, and should you at any time wish to take the regular army +and such other help as you may need and re-capture it from our red +brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling interest in it. + +[Illustration: A DEARTH OF SOAP IN THE LAUNDRY AND BATH-ROOM.] + +You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small +jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which you +will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that were the +immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are now all +buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your own. They +are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ politically, +but that need not interfere with our warm personal friendship. + +You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the navy +is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that it be newly +painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to receive a +majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which you now hold, +I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not influence you in +the course which you may see fit to adopt. + +There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in this +brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity about +appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter wherein the +public might charge me with interference. + +I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever +your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, either +foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out the gas on +retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond anticipations +which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people whose aggregated +eye is now on to you. + +Bill Nye. + +P.S.--You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in the +laundry or bath-rooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way and +was absorbed. + +B.N. + + + + +Anatomy. + +The word anatomy is derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs, +which, when translated, signify “up through” and “to cut,” so that anatomy +actually, when translated from the original wappy-jawed Greek, means to +cut up through. That is no doubt the reason why the medical student +proceeds to cut up through the entire course. + +[Illustration: STUDYING ANATOMY.] + +Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the +cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing +demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand +organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not +actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical +college after 10 P.M. + +The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities of +plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, as far +as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development of +organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural +homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. (This +statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.) + +Careful study of the human organism after death, shows traces of +functional analogies and structural homologies in people who were supposed +to have been in perfect health all their lives Probably many of those we +meet in the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile and outwardly +seem happy, have either one or both of these things. A man may live a +false life and deceive his most intimate friends in the matter of +anatomical analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it from the +eagle eye of the medical student. The ambitious medical student makes a +specialty of true inwardness. + +The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to +study the anatomical structure of the grizzly bear from the inside has not +been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been +thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the two +organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the other. +Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor indigenous. + +Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be safe +to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable that, +however, and be safe. + +Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the description +of the structure and geographical distribution of the elements of a human +being. It also applies to the structure of the microbe that crawls out of +jail every four years just long enough to whip his wife, vote and go back +again. + +Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical. +Those terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals, +specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but +really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do +mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it. + +Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into +fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles, +angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or +department of the interior, and so on. + +People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy +on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they +are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them. + +I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not +been there since. When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in +the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not +occur to me. + +I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no hesitation +about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting up other +nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, that I +might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do that. I +should like to do anything that would advance the cause of science, but I +should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, lest some day I +might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had a great +attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Mr. Sweeney's Cat. + +Robert Ormsby Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent +chronological record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of a +sure-enough king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood in +his veins that dates back where kings used to have something to do to earn +their salary, he goes right on with his regular business, selling drugs at +the great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in order to place +their goods within the reach of all. + +As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned +head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told him +that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as it +hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally wear +it out. + +He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as much +fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal blood in +his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and never +notice it at all. + +But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat. Mr. +Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very fond. +Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was known all +over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker took in the +town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything about it. She +would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and attend to her +duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had happened. + +One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with water +on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies in a +deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during the +afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up pleasant +memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would call up +some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from there jumped +down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the plate of +fly-paper. + +At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly, +but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with great +tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of surprise and +deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued to a whole sheet +of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary Walker felt. She +did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats would +have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, though +you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat down a +moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, she made +a great mistake. The gesture resulted in glueing the fly-paper to her +person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most abrupt +manner, and caused her great inconvenience. + +[Illustration: AT FIRST SHE REGARDED IT AS A JOKE.] + +Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish +you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him. + +Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the +rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out +through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go +through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the +ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at +the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring +from the room. + +Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts are +not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of flypaper +and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone National Park, +and as far north as the British line, but the doctor herself was not +found. My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to +catch the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set +and her tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary +Walker's immediate return are extremely slim. + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Heyday of Life. + +There will always be a slight difference in the opinions of the young and +the mature, relative to the general plan on which the solar system should +be operated, no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in other +matters, and it looks as though there always would be. + +To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes +high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads out +across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the youth has +endorsed for an intimate friend a few times, and purchased the paper at +the bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so +tumultuously as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing +such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I +didn't need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the same +time. Still the bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. Such +things as these harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of youth, +and prompt us to turn the strawberry box bottom side up before we purchase +it. + +Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where +the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a +dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is +weak and inefficient. + +When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything; +but after awhile we murmur: “What's that you are givin' us,” or words of +like character. Age brings caution and a lot of shop-worn experience, +purchased at the highest market price. Time brings vain regrets and wisdom +teeth that can be left in a glass of water over night. + +Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder to +get up an appetite by persweating in someone's vineyard at so much per +diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to have a +deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there seems to be +a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when saturated with +foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed to use such a +low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born Duke of Dakota, +or the Earl of York State should remember that the matter of perspiration +and posterity should not be left solely to the foreigner. + +There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They +would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would +rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large +steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for fear +some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts +extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not too +proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their shattered +remains to the morgue. + +Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts a +man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots any +more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up the +carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do but to +labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the +convention and went over to the red-hot minority. + +Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information, +so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what we +know. The wise youth will “lay low” till he gets a whole lot of knowledge, +and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He will guard +against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is unwise. I once +knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he knew from day to +day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was utterly exhausted and +didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some of the things that we know +should be saved for our own use. The man who sheds all his knowledge, and +don't leave enough to keep house with, fools himself. + + + + +They Fell. + +Two delegates to the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were +sitting in the lobby of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long ago, +strangers to each other and to everybody else. One came from Huerferno +county, and the other was a delegate from the Ice Water Encampment of +Correjos county. + +From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, and +in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, and +French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the giddy +throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor of lemon +and mirth and pine apple and cognac. + +The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water +representative from Huerferno: + +“That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the demon +rum at the convocation.” + +“Think so?” said the sad Huerferno man. + +“Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I could almost +see the red-eyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air. How could you +describe the jimjams so graphically?” + +“Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while ago I was in +the gutter.” + +“So was I.” + +“How long ago?” + +“Week ago day after to-morrow.” + +“Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit.” + +“Well, I swan!” + +“Ain't it funny?” + +“Tolerable.” + + +“It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think so?” + +“Yes, I dread it a good deal.” + + +“It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum again.” + +“Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall never +touch rum again.” + +When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked into +each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's soul. +Then the Huerferno man said: + +“In fact, I never did care much for rum.” + +Then there was a long pause. + +Finally the Correjos man ventured: “Do you have to use an antidote to cure +the thirst?” + +“Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably this vain +yearning that I now feel in the pit of the bosom will disappear after +awhile.” + +“Have you got any antidote with you?” + +“Yes, I've got some up in 232-1/2. If you'll come up I'll give you a +dose.” + +“There's no rum in it, is there?” + +“No.” + +Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but at +dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through the +archway leading to the dining-room as though he had doubts about getting +through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man from +Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over the woe +that rum has wrought in our fair land. + +When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his dessert order, +the red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: “Bring me a cup of tea, some pudding +without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring me a +corkscrew, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie with.” + +Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a +hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh. + +At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno delegate +couldn't get his regalia over his head. + + + + +Second Letter to the President. + +To the President.--I write this letter not on my own account, but on +behalf of a personal friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a +great worker for political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he +has asked me to write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among +great men all my life, and that, owing to my high social position and fine +education, I would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that would +not call forth disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the points and +I have arranged them for you. + +In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. President, +in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving offense, +that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to talk this way +to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and he desires that I +should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted policy. He says that +it seems to him there is very little in the course of the administration +so far to encourage a man to shake off old party ties and try to make men +better. He desires to say that after conversing with a large number of the +purest men, men who have been in both political parties off and on for +years and yet have never been corrupted by office, men who have left +convention after convention in years past because those conventions were +corrupt and endorsed other men than themselves for office, he finds that +your appointment of Cabinet officers will only please two classes, viz: +Democrats and Republicans. + +[Illustration: WORKING FOR REFORM.] + +Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify those +two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain at men who +admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want history to +chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the aid of the pure +and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything naughty or +unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had been known for +years as rude, naughty Democrats? + +My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had +fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week of +your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. You +have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be truly +good. + +If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of my +friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never smirched +his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and most +vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over night +during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both of +these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist in +the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the +Republican party insisted on it. + +Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because I +know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr. +President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal +friend criticise my official acts. + +The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will +encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to earn +their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, and if +those who have abstained from office for years, by request of many +citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, they +will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend desires +to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and his wife +feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep it quiet any +longer. They feel like crippling the administration in every way they can +if the present policy is to be pursued. + +He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has +barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it may +prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that you +have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the way +through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced for the +purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully endorsing +and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it merely to kill +time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became a reformer and +supported you, he did not think there were so many prominent Democrats who +would have claims upon you. He can only now deplore the great national +poverty of offices and the boundless wealth of raw material in the +Democratic party from which to supply even that meagre demand. + +He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of +his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for +civil service reform so much as many people seem to think. + +I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the exception +of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any uneasiness. Our +large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising egg market, +over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the twilight gathered, +she yielded to a complication of pip and softening of the brain and +expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary life and the forked +tongue of slander could find naught to utter against her. + +Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you will +write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain, + +Very respectfully yours, + +Bill Nye. + +[Dictated Letter.] + + + + +Milling in Pompeii. + +While visiting Naples, last fall, I took a great interest in the wonderful +museum there, of objects that have been exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii. +It is a remarkable collection, including, among other things, the +cumbersome machinery of a large woolen factory, the receipts, contracts, +statements of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, brokers, and usurers. I was +told that the exhumist also ran into an Etruscan bucket-shop in one part +of the city, but, owing to the long, dry spell, the buckets had fallen to +pieces. + +The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what seems +to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit of 79 +A.D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date is torn +off however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it was issued. I +was permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my hired man, I +have translated it with great care. + +Office of Lucretius & Procalus, +Dealers In +Flour, Bran, Shorts, Middlings, Screenings, Etruscan Hen Feed, and Other +Choice Bric-A-Brac. + +_Highest Cash Price Paid for Neapolitan Winter Wheat and Roman Corn + +Why haul your Wheat through the sand to Herculaneum when we pay the same +price here?_ + +Office and Mill, Via VIII, Near the Stabian Gate, Only Thirteen Blocks +From the P.O., Pompeii. + +Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last +month by Messrs. Toecorneous & Chilblainicus, alleged millers and wheat +buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to a half-cent +more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us with docking the +farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than necessary for cockle, +wild buck-wheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make the broad statement that +we have made all our money in that way, and claim that Mr. Lucretius, of +our mill, has erected a fine house, which the farmers allude to as the +“wild buckwheat villa.” + +[Illustration: TWO OLD ROMANS.] + +We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; but +when two snide romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and drank +stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they were +there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt and +final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not test +their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money for +Messrs. Toecorneous & Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do not do +that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash price and +then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial hog feed on him +in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him in money. We do not +seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked wheat and orders on the +store. + +We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made in +our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have also +engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank +day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so that +the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head miller +has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands. + +The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that was +used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the Neapolitan +road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in a brick-yard here +near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a tenderfoot from Jerusalem +as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it would not work, and so used it +to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now it is grinding ostensible flour +at Herculaneum. + +We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we +aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will +not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We will +also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good weight. +Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and grinding. We +now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, every little +while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in case of accident +to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few moments. We call +attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the best flour in +the market for making angels' food and other celestial groceries. We fully +warrant it, and will agree that for every sack containing whole kernels of +corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, not thoroughly pulverized, we +will refund the money already paid, and show the person through our mill. + +[Illustration: ANCIENT ROMAN MILLER.] + +We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives around +Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic in its +operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine two men +will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling thoroughly +refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in the mouth so +common in Pompeii on arising in the morning. + +To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say +that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that those +who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get it treated +at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. Strangers calling +for their squat or unsquat dough, will have to be identified. + +Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate. + +Lucretius & Peocalus, + +Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without +clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion. + + + + +Broncho Sam. + +Speaking about cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico as +Broncho Sam, was the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a greaser +or a negro, but he had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly hair of an +African, and the courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. A wide +reputation as a “broncho breaker” gave him his name. + +To master an untamed broncho and teach him to lead, to drive and to be +safely-ridden was Sam's mission during the warm weather when he was not +riding the range. His special delight was to break the war-like heart of +the vicious wild pony of the plains and make him the servant of man. + +I've seen him mount a hostile “bucker,” and, clinching his italic legs +around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood would burst from +Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like rain. Most everyone knows +what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse means. The wild horse +probably learned it from the antelope, for the latter does it the same +way, i.e., he jumps straight up into the air, at the same instant +curving his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all four of his feet +in a bunch. The concussion is considerable. + +I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring day, +which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the broncho. + +It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast, +and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it. + +I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would +rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride a +successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair of +Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I +remembered them. Sitting down on them in an impulsive way brought them to +my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the spurs an +opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind. + +To those who observed the charger with the double “cinch” across his back +and the saddle in front of him like a big leather corset, sitting at the +same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of amusement; but to +me it was not so frolicsome. + +There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains, in the +crisp morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with +your ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed has +returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness about +it all. + +Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. He +wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him. + +In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount and +ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam never +took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the +cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their +best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules. + +As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical +legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him +till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his hot +red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively, +swelled up sadly and died. + +It took Sam four days to walk back. + +A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star spangled banner, some +times; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me. + +I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found. + +[Illustration: A BRONCO ERUPTION.] + + + + +How Evolution Evolves. + +The following paper was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice, +before the Academy of Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month, +and as I have been so continually and so earnestly importuned to print it +that life was no longer desirable, I submit it to you for that purpose, +hoping that you will print my name in large caps, with astonishers at the +head of the article, and also in good display type at the close: + +Some Features Of Evolution. + +No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution full +justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone race. +It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful influence +over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When we pause to +consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the great masses of our +fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not surprising that crime is +rather on the increase, and that thousands of our race are annually +filling drunkards' graves, with no other visible means of support, while +multitudes of enlightened human beings are at the same time obtaining a +livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms. + +These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would +melt the stoniest heart: “Why in creation do you do it?” The time is +rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for each doom. +I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner even than +that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and Harry as +formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass through a +competitive examination, as he should do. + +It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves. The +time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will be +carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit themselves +for those positions will be left in the lurch, whatever that may be. + +It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to +appear before you to-day and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history, rise +and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. It +is for this that I have poured over such works as Huxley, Herbert Spencer, +Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is for the +purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk the rising +generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of clashing +intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works of +Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book that +bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have done so +while others slept. + +That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go easily +and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of the +Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of a free +and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the midnight +and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill myself full +of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even the O'Reilly +College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has not informed +itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before a lecturer may +speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution. + +And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is +patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress and +some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am +addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little child +with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution +consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous. + +So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed +upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress, is such ignorance as +that, lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions +and hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the +scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than to +chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles. + +For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you on +the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. I +could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the +intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would +please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen, +but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close, +but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose +breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have +sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it or +immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from friends, +and which relate to this matter. + +In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this paper +relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if anything, +I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that the person +who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing upon the +great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb remains. + +And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of these +statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other theologians +and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to pause before +they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts in relation to +evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family history, which I am +prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with ideas that I have +thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to attract notice and +obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, beware. It will be to +your interest to beware! + + + + +Hours With Great Men. + +I presume that I could write an entire library of personal reminiscences +relative to the eminent people with whom I have been thrown during a busy +life, but I hate to do it, because I always regarded such things as sacred +from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to respect the confidence of a +prominent man just as much as I would that of one who was less before the +people. I remember very well my first meeting with General W.T. Sherman. +I would not mention it here if it were not for the fact that the people +seem so be yearning for personal reminiscences of great men, and that is +perfectly right, too. + +It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the line of +the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated +eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter +had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched +oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in +butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the +cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a +party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter had +refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in the +dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and +stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing +with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be +still again. + +General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver to +a fly in the milk pitcher. + +We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along +life's rugged way--he in the war department, I in the postoffice +department. Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite corners +of the great national fabric, if you will allow me that expression. + +I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the conversation +began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: + +“I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way.” + +“All right,” said I, “if you will please pass those molasses.” + +That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably he +never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for +thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false +about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great +to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle. + +[Illustration: AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE BUTTER.] + +I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with +him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were going +to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted pianist, +who had kindly consented to play a few strains, I did not get the name of +the professional, but I went, and when the first piece was announced I saw +that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly volunteered to get a lamp +from another room. I held that big lamp, weighing about twenty-nine +pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist would tinky tinky up on the +right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on the bass, while he snorted and +slugged that old concert grand piano and almost knocked its teeth down its +throat, or gently dawdled with the keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering +through the bleached rafters of a deceased horse, until at last there was +a wild jangle, such as the accomplished musician gives to an instrument to +show the audience that he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight +intermission while it is sent to the junk shop. + +With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, and +my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty enlightening +the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom. + + +I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had a +chance to see me. + + + + +Concerning Coroners. + +I am glad to notice that in the East there is a growing disfavor in the +public mind for selecting a practicing physician for the office of +coroner. This matter should have attracted attention years ago. Now it +gratifies me to notice a finer feeling on the part of the people, and an +awakening of those sensibilities which go to make life more highly prized +and far more enjoyable. + +I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a +coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine +along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do not +know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his +patient and getting the victim ready for the quest. + +One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I +was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft of +the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in +memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did not +know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage of me, +for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life could be +sustained under his treatment. I did not. + +That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed to +conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly +clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner had a +kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room that made +my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of glancing +hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over a chair, +probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the jury in +arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a draft that +he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with my funds, +and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room and he had +just found out where it came from. + +After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as +possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch +of the amateur coroner and pro tem physician. I could look forward with +pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come for the +last time in his professional capacity and go to work on me officially. +Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the undertaker could take +charge of the fragments left by the inquest. + +The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner with +the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is in +violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician +decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the names +of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of the +cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold of +politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let him +gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be united. + +No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that defines +the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him +professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the +county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over +the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy and wish +to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of enlightenment +which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more ignorant epochs +of time, when the practice of medicine was united with the profession of +the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the veterinarian or the coroner. + +Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I have +referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his morphine +syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to see a patient +with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes under the other. +People never knew when they saw him going to a neighbor's house, whether +the case had yielded to the coroner's treatment or not. No one ever knew +just when over-taxed nature would yield to the statutes in such case made +and provided. + +When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical +treatment had been successfully fatal. + +Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the +night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and +coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and +finally recovered. + +The experiences of some of the patients who escaped from this man read +more like fiction than fact. One man revived during the inquest, knocked +the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked the coroner in the +stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a shriek of laughter, +fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with a mammoth circus, +feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day at $9 a week and +found. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Down East Rum. + +Rum has always been a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight that +Maine has made, for a century past, against decent rum, has been worthy of +a better cause. + +Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that +monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum. + +In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying +styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum. + +In Denver your friend says: “Will you come with me and shed a tear?” or +“Come and eat a clove with me.” + +In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: “William, which would you rather +do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or go over +across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon Valley tan, +made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?” I told him that I had +just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my drinking any more, +and that I had promised several people on their death beds never to touch +liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, so he would have to +excuse me. + +But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is all +shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in good +standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks and one +soft one on the inner door, give the password, “Rutherford B. Hayes,” turn +to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of a mysterious +gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the encampment +under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your eyes, insult +your digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture, and hunt up +the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be carried very far. + +If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he can +certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt and +vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine Maine +goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, where the +Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, with no warning +whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him land there a stranger +and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the underground methods of +securing a drink, and to him the world seems very gloomy, very sad, and +extremely arid. + +At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was rather +past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little full. + +I said: “Madam, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the +advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been now +thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have +changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I don't +see but you look just as young as you did when I went away, but I'm a poor +hand to remember names, so I can't just call you to mind.” + +She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is +singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with +me. I have often been alluded to as the “drunkard's friend.” Men have been +known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk with me on some +subject, and then they would lean up against me and converse by the hour. +A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking with me. As long as I am +willing to hold such a man up and listen to him, he will stand and tell me +about himself with the utmost confidence, and, no matter who goes by, he +does not seem to be ashamed to have people see him talking with me. + +[Illustration: THAT BUTTONHOLE.] + +I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted +into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and +popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the habit +of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me free +exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. After he +got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of his used to +pull him out of bed and drag him all over town. It don't seem hardly +possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet. + +He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is a +diagram of the buttonhole. + +If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on +popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in +sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular +exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are +highly injurious. + + + + +Railway Etiquette. + +Many people have traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to +behave themselves when on the road. For the benefit and guidance of such, +these few crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of etiquette have been framed. + +In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an +approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud toots +and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the right of +way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a pedestrian +tourist spattered all over its first mortgage. + +On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in the +ice-water tank. If every one should do so, it would occasion great +confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay +during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their teeth +and retain them during the night. + +If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported you +until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, you +will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet extended +into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, while you +snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades. + +If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle, +like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your +head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen closet; +or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the window and +get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the road might +get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they wouldn't +know whose head it was. + +Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a +beastly state of intoxication. + +In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your +fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. It +is better to refrain altogether from combing the moustache with a fork +while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork into your +eye and irritate it. + +If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have +burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild yell +of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but control +yourself, hoping to know more next time. + +In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded +in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car. + +Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the +wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast +time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during +that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he gets +home, he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. People +who have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to fill +themselves full of pie and colic when they travel. + +The female of this same mammal, goes into the ladies' department and +remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have +about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress. + +If you never rode in a varnished car before, and never expect to again, +you will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of +the porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let +people see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to +soften. + +In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you +will never wear. + + + + +B. Franklin, Deceased. + +Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an only child. +If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of Benjamin's +parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting up in the +morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among seventeen +pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where +you would be called upon, every morning, to select your own cud of spruce +gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window sill. +And yet B. Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea, +and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a +printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great +Archimedean lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests of +freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly +weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel +could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and +roller composition, and that after a few years of time and perspiration it +would harden so that the “Constant Reader” or “Veritas” could be stabbed +with it and die soon. + +[Illustration: A DEADLY ONSLAUGHT.] + +Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were productive +of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not agree with +them. + +This paper was called the _New England Courant_. It was edited jointly by +James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt want. +Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the time. The idea +of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume to the +editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper while the +other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass the king, and then, +when the king came in the office the next day and stopped his paper, and +took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on “our informant” and go right +along with the paper. You had to go to jail, while your subscribers +wondered why their paper did not come, and the paste soured in the tin +dippers in the sanctum, and the circus passed by on the other side. + +[Illustration: STOPPING HIS PAPER.] + +How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in +jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? Who, of all +our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of freedom while a +double-column ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and eleven congresses of +ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their native lair, went by us? + +At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to +Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to “sub” for a few weeks, +and then got a regular “sit.” Franklin was a good printer, and finally got +to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman, sitting by the hour in the +composing room and spitting on the stone, while he cussed the make-up and +press work of the other papers. Then he would go into the editorial rooms +and scare the editors to death with a wild shriek for more copy. He knew +just how to conduct himself as a foreman, so that strangers would think he +owned the paper. + +In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the +_Pennsylvania Gazette_. He was then regarded as a great man, and most +everyone took his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and +spelled hard words with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in +any of his newspaper work, and everybody respected him. + +Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of +lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said that he +would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd +specimens of lightning, if they would send them into the _Gazette_ office +by express for examination. Every time there was a thunder storm, Franklin +would tell the foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a string and an +old fruit jar, he would go out on the hills and get enough lightning for a +mess. + +[Illustration: “HOW'S TRADE?”] + +In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made a +good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in +distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed a +letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was +addressed. + +Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on +business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to the +castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and +attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of course, +to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet umbrella up +against the throne, ask the king: “How's trade?” Franklin never put on any +frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. He used to say, +frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven spot. + +He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do it, +Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given it +permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got acquainted +with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris, +and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and start a paper. +They also promised him the county printing, but he said no, he would have +to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy about him. + +Franklin wrote “Poor Richard's Almanac” in 1732-57, and it was republished +in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his name was William. +William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to be quite an old +man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be but an +illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do differently, but +he steadily refused to do so. + + + + +Life Insurance as a Health Restorer. + +Life insurance is a great thing. I would not be without it. My health is +greatly improved since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have a +seal-brown taste in my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that has +entirely disappeared. I am more hopeful and happy, and my hair is getting +thicker on top. I would not try to keep house without life insurance. Last +September I was caught in one of the most destructive cyclones that ever +visited a republican form of government. A great deal of property was +destroyed and many lives were lost, but I was spared. People who had no +insurance were mowed down on every hand, but aside from a broken leg I was +entirely unharmed. + +[Illustration: PROTECTED BY LIFE INSURANCE.] + +I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the +beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize anything +pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my wife to +affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, but +something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could not +attend to me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the +doctor's care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the time. +He was a young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and Fridays. +The rest of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses that were +mentally broken down. He said he attended me largely for my society. I +felt flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after he had been thrown +among horses all the week that had much greater advantages than I. + +My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said +she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but +after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered a +good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that account. +But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and I +recovered. + +In these days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a new +administration, we ought to make some provision for the future. + + + + +The Opium Habit. + +I have always had a horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so seductive +and so still in their operations. They steal through the blood like a wolf +on the trail, and they seize upon the heart at last with their white fangs +till it is still forever. + +Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the Medicine +Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of the glittering, +eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the homes of the young +men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and now there are several +“younger sons” of Old England, with herds of horses, steers and sheep, +worth millions of dollars. These young men are not of the kind of whom the +metropolitan ass writes as saying “youbetcherlife,” and calling everybody +“pardner.” They are many of them college graduates, who can brand a wild +Maverick or furnish the easy gestures for a Strauss waltz. + +They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a +bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a +quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or +coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps. + +Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches +years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had +absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune to incur +the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one afternoon and +shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. He didn't dream +of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he passed through the +gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, and at the same +moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all. + +A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis' father, and then a +half dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to +the sage brush of the foot-hills. + +They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the herder +with them, I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse gray +blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead. + +I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me--opium! +I said, did I understand you to say “ropium?” They said no, it was opium. +The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was impossible. + +I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was +very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the fact +that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was +rendered. + +It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my curiosity. +Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around the neck. I did +not know this before. People who die by opium also tie their hands +together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities of opium +poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. I bequeath it to +medical science. Whenever I run up against a new scientific discovery, I +just hand it right over to the public without cost. + +Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about people +who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the most +deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in the pure +mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure enough air to prolong life, +and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and delightful scenery +are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and passed away. Is it not +sad to contemplate? + + + + +More Paternal Correspondence. + +My dear son.--I tried to write to you last week, but didn't get around to +it, owing to circumstances. I went away on a little business tower for a +few days on the cars, and then when I got home the sociable broke loose in +our once happy home. + +While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new +well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I had +the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so much +about. + +I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever slumbered at +the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops. + +I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night +unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought +that I was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time, +and that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by +menials. When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot +flashes ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me +square, and I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told him +that at any time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just +holler through our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last week, +and when I got home your mother set me right to work borryin' chairs and +dishes. She had solicited some cakes and other things. I don't know +whether you are on the skedjule by which these sociables are run or not. +The idea is a novel one to me. + +The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side out +for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. When +I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it seems +that the debt is a part of the worship. + +Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part of +these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool +carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the +setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure him +for life. They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off +some of the plastering. + +So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper myself. I hope +that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an ornament to +society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I sincerely hope +that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should hate to have you with +a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If anybody has got to fill a +drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What has the drunkard ever done +for you, that you should fill his grave for him? + +[Illustration: ROUGH ON THE OLD CAT.] + +I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly +right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect you +to let your studies encroach, too much on your polo, but try to unite the +two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel sad +and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one physical +wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I can do the +entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood. + +I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with a +belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I used +to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do it now +that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though I could +spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a Garabaldy waist +and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little camel's hair +whiskers of yours I would not believe that you had grown to be a large, +expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the thoughts you express in +your letters are far beyond your years. Do you think them yourself, or is +there some boy in the school that thinks all the thoughts for the rest? + +Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly grapple +with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff that you +had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till you come +home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, but that is +all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was young we had to +get our foreign languages the best we could, so I studied Chippewa without +a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his camp and kept me there for +some time while I acquired his language. He became so much attached to me +that I had great difficulty in coming away. I wish you would write in the +United States dialect as much as possible, and not try to paralize your +parents with imported expressions that come too high for poor people. + +Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going +through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is +wearing out, and it is now way long into the shank of the evening. All we +ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled +myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and +get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents. + +When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair of +knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys holler +“rats” when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down, remember that, no +matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never sour on you. + +Your Father. + + + + +Twombley's Tale. + +My name is Twombley, G.O.P. Twombley is my full name and I have had a +checkered career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked +right through, so I did so. + +My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long, +green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, I +dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The +Angora goat is a beautiful animal--in a picture. But out of a picture he +has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism. + +Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too. + +When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young girl +arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our language. +Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed, and, though +she was still young, there were traces of care and other foreign +substances plainly written there. + +She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had +been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried. + +She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you +examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September +afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way, + +I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a +low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine. + +She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to +tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other sex +that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not strike a +woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no right to +do so. + +I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when I +go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel +would a lonely man like me turn upon? + +Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me +in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in my +memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever rankled +in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his memory rankle +in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him. + +After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, and +then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, hunting +an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He had wandered +away, and for several days I had been unable to find him. So I sought for +him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I realized at once +that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the night in the +mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way became more +and more uncertain. + +Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain where +I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had known that +the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. There was +another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me until too +late. + +I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked up +my cabin when I left it, and I feared that someone might get in while I +was absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and two +hens that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me before I +could get my business into such shape that I could return. + +I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had no +matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch. + +All at once, someone fell down the shaft. I knew that it was a woman, +because she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this could +be accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked her up. + +I did not know what to do, I was perfectly beside myself, and so was she. +I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people generally +chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe the hands of +a person to whom I had never been introduced. + +I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her but I had neglected +to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This should be a +warning to people who habitually go around the country without alcoholic +stimulants. + +Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, “where am I?” I told her +that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and that +whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no farther. + +Then there was a long pause. + +To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think we had +been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she prophesied +a long, open fall. + +Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old +red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a +remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause +of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer. + +Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never got +out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No one +had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft +before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to her. + +She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so +brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her that +this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away that I +did not think they would make any trouble about it. + +She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the violent +temper of her husband. + +I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied that +he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her that in +the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not bound to him. +Still she feared the consequences of his wrath. + +Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope! + +I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither had +she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft, +autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides +of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped. + + + + +On Cyclones. + +I desire to state that my position as United States Cyclonist for this +Judicial District is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, +A.D. 1884. + +I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye +and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with men, +but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons and +throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal +Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn. +For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown up cyclone, of the +ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees +and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A.D. 1884, +my morbid curiosity was gratified. + +As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out of +the crotch of a basswood tree with a “tackle and fall,” I remember I told +them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric phenomena. The old desire for +a hurricane that would blow a cow through a penitentiary was satiated. I +remember when the doctor pried the bones of my leg together, in order to +kind of draw my attention away from the limb, he asked me how I liked the +fall style of Zephyr in that locality. + +I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of +bitter irony. + +Cyclones are of two kinds, viz: the dark maroon cyclone; and the iron gray +cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I frolicked +with on the above-named date. + +My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had just +been singing a few bars from the opera of “Whoop 'em Up, Lizzie Jane,” + when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough through the trees. +Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through the trees also, and +I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get started. + +The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large butternut +tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him. + +[Illustration: WAITING TO BE PICKED.] + +I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged himself +from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, with my +personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as soon as +the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick the horse. +He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into town on a +stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight procession +coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying me into town +on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a poor boy! + +It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and +insist on living a different life. + +The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. It +may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron constitution +to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but as far as I am +concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if we didn't have a +phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another. + +As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate of soda corset, and watch the +merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy +torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that +almost amounts to disgust. + + + + +The Arabian Language. + +The Arabian language belongs to what is called the Semitic or Shemitic +family of languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a +general riot among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States. + +The Arabian letter “jeem” or “jim,” which corresponds with our J, +resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by the delirium tremons +expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the letter is called jeem +or jim, or not. + +The letter “sheen” or “shin,” which is some like our “sh” in its effect, +is a very pretty letter, and enough of them would make very attractive +trimming for pantalets or other clothing. The entire Arabic alphabet, I +think, would work up first-rate into trimming for aprons, skirts, and so +forth. + +Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman who +desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long felt want, must have a +small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this country we get +a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it out in type; but +in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then regards the press as +a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type maker and ask him to show you +his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or a three story +alphabet. + +The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down the +elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather duster. +In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case with the copy +before him, and has five or six boys running from one floor to another, +bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar alphabet. + +Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send +down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial. + +Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to run +up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters needed. + +One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building +without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means of a +long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that spilled +the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and although that +was ninety-seven years ago last April, there are still two bushels of pi +on the floor of that office. The paper employs rat printers, and as they +have been engaged in assorting and distributing this mass of pi, it is +called rat pi in China, and the term is quite popular. + +When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9 +extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may have +to go all over the empire, and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs to +find the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to use +body type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will avoid +caps and italics, unless he is very wealthy. + +Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How the +Arabian poets succeeded so well in writing their verse in their own +language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write +poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written +in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a +button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with +the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would +drive me mad. + +The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves to +take a tale and re-write it for the press by carefully expunging the +facts. It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel. + +The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh +touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been dead +several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the +incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate. + +It has been translated several times with more or less success by various +writers, and some of the statements contained in the book are well worthy +of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting incident to a heated +presidential campaign. + + + + +Verona. + +We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of the +Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have never +returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that is the +reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here. + +[Illustration: THE ODORS OF VERONA.] + +Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have +points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock +yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of +Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move around +and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it reminds +one of Verona. + +The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky of +Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place, +however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people +now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not +taxed. + +Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the amphitheatre, +It is 404-1/2 feet by 516 in size, and the wall is still 100 feet high in +places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, but I refrained. +I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their way in and leave one +end of the amphitheatre open and then there would be a draft. I will speak +more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in another letter. There isn't +room in this one. + +Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said +to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I stood +in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine this +wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was certainly over +1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of “Beautiful Snow.” I +read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said it was 1,700 years old, +which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the age of MSS. Some can look +at the teeth of a literary production and tell within two weeks how old it +is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the age of wine. My rule used to +be to observe how old I felt the next day and to fix that as the age of +the wine, but this rule I find is not infallible. One time I found myself +feeling the next day as though I might be 138 years old, but on +investigation we found that the wine was extremely new, having been made +at a drug store in Cheyenne that same day. + +[Illustration: THE NEXT MORNING.] + +Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing +with a violet pencil on both sides of the large foolscap sheet, and then +folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket for +two or three centuries, is not a late American invention, as I had been +led to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was +permitted also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gaius. Gaius was a +poor penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work that +he was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his pocket with +his smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for smoking +tobacco was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late day. +That's all right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of smoking +tobacco. + +The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me a little +different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in others. One +thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the total absence +of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. Salvation seems +to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, and the odor of +sancity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in hand. I have +already been in the place more than two days and I have not yet been +invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. Perhaps they +think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing about my dress +or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in Europe now six weeks +and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate traveling companions +do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster in disguise. + +The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the +guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut out of +one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside diameter +of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptized there without injury. +The Venetians have a great respect for water. They believe it ought not to +be used for anything else but to wash away sins, and even then they are +very economical about it. + +[Illustration] + +There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been +left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great +deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he could +do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his pictures +first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at anything +like a bed rock price. + + + + +A Great Upheaval. + +I have just received the following letter, which I take the liberty of +publishing, in order that good may come out of it, and that the public +generally may be on the watch: + +William Nye, Esq.-- + +_Dear Sir:_ There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great +anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, hoping +that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at this time +beneficially. + +All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen +harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked +sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike passed +over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have tried +men's souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and united us +more closely as brothers and sisters. + +We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two +minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not +care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. None +of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on such +little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on beyond +the flood we may have a record to which we may point with pride. + +But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who had +grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went out, +and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of infidelity +and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, and slammed +the doors, and created a young riot. + +For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and +through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have +laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble +dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and +our outgoings. + +That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church +has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why we +want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer from +unjust criticism and worldly scorn. + +It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of age, +and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the first prayer, +and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and blood-curdling whoop, +jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. While this is in a measure +true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild and startling jumping, but +he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, but failed. He was too old. + +It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build +up the church and society here than any other one man of his size, threw +his hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like +the word “Gosh!” hissed through clenched teeth, got out through the window +and went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an element of truth in +it, and I do not try to deny it. + +There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the +congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place. +Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action of +the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in our church, and been +such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the county +were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal to her; +when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her feet, and +swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not go home till +morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services. + +Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the +congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the +most, and have done us the most damage abroad. + +Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state that +this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which the ungodly +have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general tendency to +dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and therefore an +exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that the janitor had +started a light fire in the furnace, and that had revived a large nest of +common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm air pipe, and when they came +up through the register and united in the services, there was more or less +of an ovation. + +Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the above +circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently rising +and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner of his +mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens out a +new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the sullen roar +of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and swallowing up the +great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one little wasp, with a +red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that same man's pantaloons, +leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and sat down to think it +over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival that will attract +attention. + +I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something from +it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to have more +zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was not directly +the result of the sermon which was preached on that day. + +Yours, with great respect, + +William Lemons. + + + + +The Weeping Woman. + +I have not written much for publication lately, because I did not feel +well, I was fatigued. I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook me +up a good deal. + +The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who +got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's +Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu to a +man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce far +niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had been +a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the fact. + +[Illustration: SHE SOBBED SEVERAL MORE TIMES.] + +She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said “good-bye,” + allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone +interlude on my spinal column, and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, hot +tears. + +I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a pugilist +from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly courteous, +especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an obscure boy +with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except his wife or +his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man who has had +to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has come out of +obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, and won the good +will of those with whom he came in contact, will always find me cordial +and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the broad, high, +intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with his feet on my new +and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the tear-bedewed memento +from Minkin's Siding. + +She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows +in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few +miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not +resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for a +few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her +eyes. I also scrutinized her lineaments some. + +She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in a +railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning to +totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes should +not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person was not +handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look as though +they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had failed to do +so. + +This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad as +the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, but who +will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that wouldn't fool +anybody. + +My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American +people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead +anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered, that it +had an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she cooked +the pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible that she +would do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it. + +She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the subject +of literature, picking up a volume that had been left in her seat by the +train boy, entitled: “Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, The Child Fiend; +price $2,” we drifted on pleasantly into the broad domain of letters. + +Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly. + +“O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books,” said she; “I +am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have read, you wouldn't +believe it.” + +I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe +things that would make the ordinary rooster quail. + +If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American “Jewdesprit,” + she refrained from saying anything about it. + +“I read a good deal,” she continued, “and it keeps me all strung up. I +weep, O so easily.” Just then she lightly laid her hand on my arm, and I +could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I felt like asking her +if she had ever tried running herself through a clothes wringer every +morning? I did feel that someone ought to chirk her up, so I asked her if +she remembered the advice of the editor who received a letter from a young +lady troubled the same way. She stated that she couldn't explain it, but +every little while, without any apparent cause, she would shed tears, and +the editor asked her why she didn't lock up the shed. + +We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while she +would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I had +never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I heard +about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, and yet +that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that far-away +expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on my arm in +such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from Pittsburg +full play, and told me how such works as “The New Made Grave; or The Twin +Murderers” had cost her many and many a copious tear, I told her I was +glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of such books to weep +at home and work up their honest perspiration into scalding tears, far be +it from me to grudge that poor boon. + +I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the pores +of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an inherited +antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they would rather +work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the shape of common +red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. People have +different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one will hesitate +about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not happen to be +using at the time. + + + + +The Crops. + +I have just been through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of +inspection. I rode for over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car, +examining crops, so that I could write an intelligent report. + +[Illustration] + +Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the +season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix +valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers +should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they know +from the experience of former years that it will surely rust. + +In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and +cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for +several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season. + +In the northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth +cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very +inferior quality. + +The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist +entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large +quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy. + +Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I notice +an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will be +necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be +readily administered at any hour of the day or night. + +The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. And +what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green vines +in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little crook-neck +squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in the cool +morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder--his first attempt +in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained wisdom by +experience. + +The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as +usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers of +butter down the back. + +N.B.--It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn mostly +inside. + +Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that +continued dry weather in the early summer did it. + +Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders thought +that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse could not +survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked better in +this State than they do this fall. + +I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for hop-lice. +Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill her own +coffers. + +[Illustration: ENJOYING HIMSELF AT THE DANCE.] + +I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in +speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either a +hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and +naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the +Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry and +choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the northern district is light. The early +dwarf crab, with or without, worms, as desired--but mostly with--is +unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into a +brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand until +Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I have +tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable paper. + +People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around there +like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of admission. +Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it goes right to my +head and makes me eccentric. + +The violin virtuoso who “fiddled,” “called off” and acted as justice of +the peace that evening, said that I threw aside all reserve and entered +with great zest into the dance, and seemed to enjoy it much better than +those who danced in the same set with me. Since that, the very sight of a +common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned afterward that this cider +had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we drank that night was the +clear, old-fashioned brandy, which of course would not freeze. + +We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be +ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Literary Freaks. + +People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those +who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There is +a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature very +much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn sheller. This +is erroneous. + +To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem or +a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the casual +observer. + +I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in that +direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that line. For +instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three young men +who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the Fourth of July. +They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If I would write the +speeches they would be willing to revise them. They seemed to think it +would be a good idea to write the speeches a little longer than necessary +and then the poorer parts of the effort could be cut out. Various prices +were set on these efforts, from a dollar to “the kindest regards.” People +who have squeezed through one of our adult winters in this latitude, +subsisting on kind regards, will please communicate with the writer, +stating how they like it. + +One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of +“humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy.” It was a big +temptation to write something that would be in every lady's mouth, but I +refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to the domain of +literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be haughty and above +my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant. + +Another man wanted me to write a “piece for his boy to speak,” and if I +would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and stay over +Sunday. He said that the boy was “a perfect little case to carry on and +folks didn't know whether he would develop into a condemb fool or a +youmerist.” So he wanted a piece of one of them tomfoolery kind for the +little cuss to speak the last day of school. + +[Illustration: HIS MOTTO.] + +A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor by +apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a family +crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run out of +crests, but that “weight for the wagon, we'll all take a ride,” would be a +good motto; or he might use the following: “The fuel and his money are +soon parted.” He might emblazon this on his arms, or tattoo it on any +other part of his system where he thought it would be becoming to his +complexion. I never heard from him again, and I do not know whether he was +offended or not. + +Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they +“had a good thing on mother.” They wanted it written up in a facetious +vein. They said that their father had been on the coast a few weeks +before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but partially +full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got drowned. Finally, +after several days' search, the neighbors came in sadly and told the old +lady thai they had found all that was mortal of James, and there were two +eels in the remains. They asked for further instructions as to deceased. +The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes, braced herself against the sink +and told the men to “bring in the eels and set him again.” + +The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, “it would be a +mighty good joke on mother.” I was greatly shocked when I received this +letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak lightly of their +widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt about it, and rebuked +them severely for treating their mother's grief so lightly. Also for +trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut. + + + + +A Father's Advice to His Son. + +My dear Henry.--Your pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more +means with which to persecute your studies, and also a young man from +Ohio, is at hand and carefully noted. + +I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to your +teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look +egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man that +never had any advantages. + +But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It is +not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's where the +enormity of the thing comes in. + +It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last year, +or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your warden. He +maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the campus in +some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and got his fangs +tangled up in the bridge of your nose. + +You never wrote this to me or to your mother, but I know how busy you are +with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just to +write to us. + +Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a +hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of +your ears. + +I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if +there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be pleased +to do so. + +The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped +belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your +little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye. + +From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an +youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his +words have all been spelled correct. + +I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that when +you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a +seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise +and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal colyum +look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a Japan +show I was to last week.) + +Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that come +in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and beefed +her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and algebray? Have you +forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and made you +tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you remember how +your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I stayed to +home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my own vittles +for the whole two weeks? + +And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you +are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's features so +that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad that your +little pleated coat is ripped up the back, Henry, under the circumstances, +and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt--over your off eye. If +there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of the occasion, please +let me know and I will tend to it. + +The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor, +weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent pail +without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute little +quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves to +swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, and +then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that when I +address the sabbath school the children will see the joke and enjoy it. + +Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself to +a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one large +bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to hold out +faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the same great +blessing. + +You will find inclosed a dark-blue money-order for four eighty-five. It is +money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty about +paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as it used to. + +Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of +greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in that +colledge of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped onto. + +So good-bye for this time. + +Your Father. + + + + +Eccentricity in Lunch. + +Over at Kasota Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He was +a man of about medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet +disposition, and not noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. He runs +the railroad eating-house at that point, and the one odd characteristic +which he has, makes him well known all through three or four States. I +could not illustrate his eccentricity any better than by relating a +circumstance that occurred to me at the Junction last week. I had just +eaten breakfast there and paid for it. I stepped up to the cigar case and +asked this man if he had “a rattling good cigar.” + +[Illustration: THE ANTIQUE LUNCH.] + +Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems +to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't fit +very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner and +said, “No, sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the house. I have some +cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they are mostly filled +with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a box over yonder that I +bought for good, straight ten cent cigars, but they are only a chaos of +hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a Wisconsin wrapper. Over +in the other end of the case is a brand of cigars that were to knock the +tar out of all other kinds of weeds, according to the urbane rustler who +sold them to me, and then drew on me before I could light one of them. +Well, instead of being a fine Colorado Claro with a high-priced wrapper, +they are common Mexicano stinkaros in a Mother Hubbard wrapper. The +commercial tourist who sold me those cigars and then drew on me at sight +was a good deal better on the draw than his cigars are. If you will +notice, you will see that each cigar has a spinal column to it, and this +outer debris is wrapped around it. One man bought a cigar out of that box +last week. I told him, though, just as I am telling you, that they were no +good, and if he bought one he would regret it. But he took one and went +out on the veranda to smoke it. Then he stepped on a melon rind and fell +with great force on his side. When we picked him up he gasped once or +twice and expired. We opened his vest hurriedly and found that, in +falling, this bouquet de Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal column, had +been driven through his breast bone and had penetrated his heart. The +wrapper of the cigar never so much as cracked.” + +“But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild, reckless way +about your cigars?” + +“It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my +cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile they +get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar man +ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch counter. +If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to him if I've +got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn my sandwiches over, +you will find the date of its publication on every one. If they are not +fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer that they are not so +blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze moustache, but that I can +remember very well when they were fresh, and if his artificial teeth fit +him pretty well he can try one. + +“It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating stamp, and as +soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for inspection, I date +them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is stamped on them. If +one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would fire him too quick. + +“On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri +Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with +mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, I +don't conceal the horrible fact. + +“Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a mediaeval +egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee. + +“I suppose that if every eating-house should date everything, and be +square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay; but as +it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and people +come here out of curiosity a good deal. + +“The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the +general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who travel +are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to have a +thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches under my +nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. It's an +honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for my hand-made, +all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven would be no +object.” + + + + +Insomnia in Domestic Animals. + +If there be one thing above another that I revel in, it is science. I have +devoted much of my life to scientific research, and though it hasn't made +much stir in the scientific world so far, I am positive that when I am +gone the scientists of our day will miss me, and the red-nosed theorist +will come and shed the scalding tear over my humble tomb. + +My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic +animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia Borgia. +I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I purchased +him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored Lucretia, +but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved children. The +owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of children, and I found +that he was. He seemed to love them best in the spring of the year, when +they were tender. He would have eaten up a favorite child of mine, if the +youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in his pocket which clogged the +glottis of Lucretia till I could get there and disengage what was left of +the child. + +Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my +casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent +night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or +wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several nights +in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to different +members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and stole out to +kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was not there. Then the +faithful animal would run up to me and with almost human, pleading eyes, +bark and run away toward a distant alley. I immediately decided that some +one was suffering there. I had read in books about dogs that led their +masters away to the suffering and saved people's lives; so, when Lucretia +came to me with his great, honest eyes and took little mementoes out of +the calf of my leg, and then galloped off seven or eight blocks, I +followed him in the chill air of night and my Mosaic clothes. I wandered +away to where the dog stopped behind a livery stable, and there, lying in +a shuddering heap on the frosty ground, lay the still, white features of a +soup bone that had outlived its usefulness. + +On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an +American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. The +physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the +friendless, when he discovered who I was. + +[Illustration: EXCITING PUBLIC CURIOSITY.] + +You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, cut +plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic overshoes +on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, with his trim, +purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly gallops after a +hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, surprising that +people's curiosity should be a little bit excited. + +After I had introduced myself to the physician and asked him for a cigar, +explaining that I could not find any in the clothes I had on, I asked him +about Lucretia Borgia. I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless +nights and nervous and irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a +mental wreck, and asked him what the trouble was. + +He said it was undoubtedly “insomnia.” He said that it was a bad case of +it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't mind the insomnia +that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting more insomnia on +my hands than I could use. + +He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it in a +link of sausage and leave the sausage where it would appear that I didn't +want the dog to get it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily. + +I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was +concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It +must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next +morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where +the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to the +modern American dog. + + + + +Along Lake Superior. + +I have just returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling along +the Bay of Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, vapor and +other campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in the bay at +Duluth was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the last week in +March, and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By the time these +lines fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and urbane reader, the +new railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and a half long, will have +been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago to Duluth over the +Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. I would be glad to +digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer scenery along the +Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, and the dark and silent +Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out pappooselet, were it not for +the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would invoke from the scenery cynic +who believes that a newspaper man's opinions may be largely warped with a +pass. + +Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and takes +it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met at the +opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as those I +conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to live in. +Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats 1,000 +people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera house the +evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at home. + +Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the +world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this +cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a cramp +in the geographical center. + +Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which +stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all waiting +for the boom to strike and make the northern Chicago. You cannot visit +Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of trade +will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis of the +northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will decide it, +and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to get the +benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the west end of +this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be designated. +Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her favor, and in +fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I had a block in +West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear my best clothes every +day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. Ex-President R. B. Hayes +has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does not occupy it. Those who go +to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be bitterly disappointed. + +The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next +summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly +saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out through +my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a beautiful +toothpick holder. + +Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. All +I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself from +day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled nose +on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office hours. +Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my usual reserve +this summer also--for the time. P. Wales' son and I will be far from the +cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People who come to our +cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will be received as +cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between us. + +Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that we +are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where they +will fool themselves. + +Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great maelstrom +of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to thrill +waiting millions from the rostrum with my “Tale of the Broncho Cow.” And +so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must toil on from +daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings, while others are +born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and wring tears of genuine +anguish from their audiences. + +They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there +total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he +knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there +on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when he +returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned up that +his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who weighed 300 +pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes everywhere. He was +the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed to do in this life was +to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his stomach, first on one +knee and then on the other. + +He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region a +broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been measured +for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used either of +them. He knew a clergyman named Brayley who went up into that region with +Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that he couldn't +carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones so that it made +him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton so that he +wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to sleeping out nights on +a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating venison and trout. + +When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen and +one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a joke. +There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, and when +the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them well enough to +go around to the office and draw their pay. + +This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how +bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do +not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing +left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard +winter of it. + + + + +I Tried Milling. + +I think I was about 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a +miller, with flour on my clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This was +not the first thing I had decided to be, and afterward changed my mind +about. + +I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; at +least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was to +weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon grass +and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he would +stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to say that +it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the mill. + +On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my ear, +in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into doing +a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out of the +turbine wheel at 5 o'clock A.M., and then frolic up six flights of stairs +and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock P.M. + +By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general knowledge +of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to scoop middlings +till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the landscape and +ponder. + +I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did middlings. + +One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown study, +whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated my +salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks. + +Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could +superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed and +other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot +overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical day. +I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he said “dod +gammit” or something that sounded like that, in a course and brutal +manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of voice, and +told me that the feed stone was burning up. + +He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and, +finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned +my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that it +would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my +determination to go. + +[Illustration: HE MADE IT AN OBJECT FOR ME TO GO.] + +I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and I +went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of the +ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own +exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of wheat +up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal in my +hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to accomplish +it. + +Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my +clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and +buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to +the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good that I +resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the proprietor +had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better that way. + +Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked +wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down the +back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk Kensington +dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin. + +I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill, +and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to me. +More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when he came +in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and extemporaneous +manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and beautiful scenery. He +may have been a good miller, but he had no love for the beautiful. Perhaps +that is why he was always so cold and cruel toward me. My slender, willowy +grace and mellow, bird-like voice never seemed to melt his stony heart. + + + + +Our Forefathers. + +Seattle, W.T., December 12.--I am up here on the Sound in two senses. I +rode down to-day from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture at +Frye's Opera House. + +Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the man +who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat himself on +the back and say “ha ha,” or words to that effect. The city is situated on +the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of that world's +most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound. + +I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all +day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon the +briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never +tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will be +glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The +gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced +meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me that +when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose no time +in crossing it. + +In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of +course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I +held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor +judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 adonis who comes along and asks +for their suffrages will get them. + +Not much!!! + +Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without +stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still +chooses with unerring judgment at the polls. + +Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll books +in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities--with a powerful +magnifier. + +I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that +city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in the +festivities of that occasion. + +Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a long +time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation of your +kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather myself, I +assure you that I sympathize with you. + +Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day of +your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you. + +One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a man +to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot +understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself, you +can speak from experience. + +In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early dawn of +our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its socket, +as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that you were +a forefather. + +Forefathers; you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you and wrest +the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As forefathers you +have never been successfully scooped. + +I hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a +forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask him +like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There is no +reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a forefather to +become insolent to other forefathers who are far his seniors. As a rule, I +notice it is the young amateur forefather who has only been so a few days, +in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient. + +I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more generally +in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo us in this +matter while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot understand. Our +church sociables and homicides in the West will compare favorably with +those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. Our educational +institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, especially our +embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of refinement and haughty +reserve which enables us at times to fool the best judges. Many of our +Western people have been to the Atlantic seaboard and remained all summer +without falling into the hands of the bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend +of mine who bathed his plump limbs in the Atlantic last summer during the +day, and mixed himself up in the mazy dance at night, told me on his +return that he had enjoyed the summer immensely, but that he had returned +financially depressed. + +“Ah,” said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume while +talking to men who know more than I do, “you fell into the hands of the +cultivated confidence man?” + +“No, William,” he said sadly, “worse than that. I stopped at a seaside +hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the gentlemanly bunko man +and the Wall street dealer in lamb's pelts, as my better judgment +prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am almost insolvent. I +begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old Texas steer with +which I went into the cattle industry five years ago.” + +But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other +institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather +industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, viz: +I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish a branch +forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside for the +benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are just as +apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who contemplate +becoming forefathers should remember this. + + + + +In Acknowledgement. + +To The Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., New York. + +Gentlemen.--I received the copy of your justly celebrated “Guide to rapid +Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion,” price +twenty-five cents. It is a great boon. + +I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I +return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents for +it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of the fifteen +cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a curiosity. + +The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in all its details, and I was +especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One +style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, is +worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your formula. +I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, and he has +not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered to him. People +who have examined it say that it retains its position on his person +similar to a birthmark. + +Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but +adhere. Among other specialties it effects a singular odor. It has a +fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the +lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man +will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think that +possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and cement formula +mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt administration in a +warm room. + +Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed +drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The chapter +on bar etiquette is also excellent. Very few men know how to properly +enter a bar-room and what to do after they arrive. How to get into a +bar-room without attracting attention, and how to get out without police +interference, are points upon which our American drunkards are lamentably +ignorant. How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no +student of good breeding could well omit. + +I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks under +your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then rob +intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without the +use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our sons and +brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are doing a good +work. + +You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy +combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating. + +No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly +celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated he +would be in the New Jerusalem. + +Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will close +their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs and a +look of intense anguish. + +Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and +ingenious. Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives +in the manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly +unprepared to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is +constructed that would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like +rain water that was rained about the first time that any raining was +ever done, and was deprived of air ever since. + +[Illustration: HOW TO WIN AFFECTION.] + +The closing chapter on the subject of “How to win the affections of the +opposite sex at sixty yards,” is first-rate. It is wonderful what triumph +science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate conditions! Only a few +years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks and months in order to +win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your valuable and scholarly +work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the closing chapter an hour +or two, then goes out into society and gathers in his victim. And yet I do +not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in those years when people +were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like yours to tell me how to +win the affections of the opposite sex. I could only blunder on, week +after week and yet I do not regret it. It was just the school I needed. It +did me good. + +Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but I +have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let me go +right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the opposite +sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your great work, but +I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable. + + + + +Preventing a Scandal. + +Boys should never be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which to +acquire money. Too many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be +embarrassed when asked to do chores, and thus earn small sums of money. In +order to appreciate wealth we must earn it ourselves. That is the reason I +labor. I do not need to labor. My parents are still living, and they +certainly would not see me suffer for the necessities of life. But life in +that way would not have the keen relish that it would if I earned the +money myself. + +Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. I +remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother and +myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed the +job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we +decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer +day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be apt +to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet with +him on various “dead sure things” until he got the wood sawed, when he +went away owing us fifty cents. + +We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned our +own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So he +told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would give +him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to teach the +boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man went away, the +boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, by which process +the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in clothes, meeting his +father at the train in a new summer suit and a speckled cane. The old man +said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's clear, honest eyes, that +healthful exercise was what boys needed. + +When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying +coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do it +themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and +other zoological attractions. + +One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such a +way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated inside +the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the owner to come +along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled strong of carbolic +acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician and surgeon. + +We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to carry the coal up two +flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. Finally we +agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the last flight of +stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about nineteen pounds +apiece and my face was very sombre. + +In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the +dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little +closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into the +closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door and +stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me like a +prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over me. Its +glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and rested +lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone in the +small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. Whether +it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I thought, +for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name and a +strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time. + +So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his coal +carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get rooms +two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would have +further to fall when they made their egress. + + + + +About Portraits. + +Hudson, Wis., August 25, 1885. + +Hon. William F. Vilas, Postmaster-General, Washington, D.C. + +Dear Sir,--For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and asking +you how you were getting along with your department since I left it. I did +not wish to write you for the purpose of currying favor with an +administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. Neither do I +desire to convey the impression that I would like to open a correspondence +with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever feel like sitting +down and answering this letter in an off-hand way it would please me very +much, but do not put yourself out to do so. I wanted to ask you, however, +how you like the pictures of yourself recently published by the patent +insides. That was my principal object in writing. Having seen you before +this great calamity befell you, I wanted to inquire whether you had really +changed so much. As I remember your face, it was rather unusually +intellectual and attractive for a great man. Great men are very rarely +pretty. I guess that, aside from yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, there +is hardly an eminent man in the country who would be considered handsome. +But the engraver has done you a great injustice, or else you have sadly +changed since I saw you. It hardly seems possible that your nose has +drifted around to leeward and swelled up at the end, as the engraver would +have us believe. I do not believe that in a few short months the look of +firmness and conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that +of indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as +printed. + +[Illustration: A NOSE ON THE BIAS.] + +I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart +ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. Two +of Wisconsin's ablest men have been thus slaughtered by the rude broad-axe +of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man with a +first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way. It makes +me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good citizen, +husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoom of wrath at such +times, and I am not responsible for what I do. + +Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of party, +so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the +postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and +making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper are +seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear either +as a dude or a tough. + +While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having +belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g.o.p., I cannot +refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may have +differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, I +cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts to +injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow. + +I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business. + +Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle hard +through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only at +last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they will +injure us. + +[Illustration: ASSORTED PHYSIOGNOMY.] + +I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those who +are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these portraits will +make no difference. We will not allow them to influence us socially or +politically. What the effect may be upon offensive partisans who are total +strangers to you, I do not know. + +My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and +interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for all +great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one head +with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head with hair +(side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with glasses), one +pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, one turn-up nose, one +set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair side-whiskers, one chin, one +set large ears, one set medium ears, one set small ears, one set +shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, one monkey-wrench, one set +quoins, one galley, one oil can, one screwdriver. These different features +are then arranged so that a great variety of clergymen, murderers, +senators, embezzlers, artists, dynamiters, humorists, arsonists, +larcenists, poets, statesmen, base ball players, rinkists, pianists, +capitalists, bigamists and sluggists are easily represented. No newspaper +office should be without them. They are very simple, and any child can +easily learn to operate it. They are invaluable in all cases, for no one +knows at what moment a revolting crime may be committed by a comparatively +unknown man, whose portrait you wish to give, and in this age of rapid +political transformations, presentations and combinations, no enterprising +paper should delay the acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of +its readers. + +Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no +guilty man escape, I remain, yours truly, + +Bill Nye. + + + + +The Old South. + +The Old South Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable structure +in many respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always eager +wherever I go to search out at once the gospel privileges, it is not to be +wondered at, that I should have gone to the Old South the first day after +I landed in Boston. + +It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except, +perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The +Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the old +meetinghouse now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. John +Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in 1729 the +present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston says: “It +is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to remain in +this iconoclastic age.” + +So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I +thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, and +had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought it was +none of my business. + +I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or +absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon +supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask +how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European +plan, however. + +The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that +cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane and +look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable. + +Benjamin Franklin was baptized and attended worship here, prior to his +wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat the +man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and put it +in a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the rebels +discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his famous +speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and the “tea +party” organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago exactly, +the British used the Old South as a military riding school, although a +majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it. + +It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in which +our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as they +did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, they +had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far away +from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them without +suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. Alas, +however, when they landed at Plymouth rock there was not a decent hotel in +the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be discovered +along the Atlantic sea-board to-day was there, and a cruel, relentless sky +frowned upon their endeavors. + +Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and +floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin +pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious +facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born +of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through these +years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! (Big +firecrackers and applause.) + +[Illustration: MR. FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTS.] + +At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather +business. They did not know that future generations in four-button +cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of +respect on their untimely death. If they stayed at home the king taxed +them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get +enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home so +full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door +without great pain. + +Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and +education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to print +newspapers so that we can have them in the morning. + +The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business +purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the old +landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be secured, +and that the old meeting-house--dear not alone to the people of Boston, +but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who cannot +forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings--will be spared to +entertain within its hospitable walls, enthusiastic and reverential +visitors for ages without end. + + + + +Knights of the Pen. + +When you come to think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper men +write so that any one but an expert can read it. The rapid and voluminous +work, especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful business +college penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have specimens of +my own handwriting that a total stranger could read. + +I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so +characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear cut style of the +man, as is that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago _News_. As the “Nonpareil +Writer” of the Denver _Tribune_, it was a mystery to me when he did the +work which the paper showed each day as his own. You would sometimes find +him at his desk, writing on large sheets of “print paper” with a pen and +violet ink, in a hand that was as delicate as the steel plate of a bank +note and the kind of work that printers would skirmish for. He would ask +you to sit down in the chair opposite his desk, which had two or three old +exchanges thrown on it. He would probably say, “Never mind those papers. +I've read them. Just sit down on them if you want to.” Encouraged by his +hearty manner, you would sit down, and you would continue to sit down till +you had protruded about three-fourths of your system through that hollow +mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help you out and curse the chair, +and feel pained because he had erroneously given you the ruin with no seat +to it. He always felt pained over such things. He always suffered keenly +and felt shocked over the accident until you had gone away, and then he +would sigh heavily and “set” the chair again. + +[Illustration: THE RUIN.] + +Frank Pixley, the editor of the San Francisco _Argonaut_, is not +beautiful, though the _Argonaut_ is. He is grim and rather on the Moses +Montefiore style of countenance, but his hand-writing does not convey the +idea of the man personally, or his style of dealing with the Chinese +question. It is rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner of an +eighteen-year-old boy. + +Robert J. Burdette writes a small but plain hand, though he sometimes +suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a +moment as ye think not, and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright +eyed children of the brain. + +Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like it, +cheery, bright and entertaining; but we know him and find that personally +he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid liver and a +nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob Burdette, +however, You think you will like him, and you always do. He will never be +too famous to be a gentleman. + +George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of chirography. +It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very voluminously, +doing his editorial writing in two days of the week, generally Friday and +Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous bird dog and an improved +double barrel duck destroyer and communes with nature. + +Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest +of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be betrayed into +making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he +characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually pays +postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, that it +will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its object. + +He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume +of old time anecdotes and funny experiences. + +Goodwin, of the old _Territorial Enterprise_, and Mark Twain's old +employer, writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very plainly. +The way he sharpens a “hard medium” lead pencil and skins the apostle of +the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, makes my heart +glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not threatened by the low +browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war horse raises the +standard of monogamy and under the motto, “One country, one flag and one +wife at a time,” he smokes his old meerschaum pipe and writes a column of +razor blades every day. He is the buzz saw upon which polygamy has tried +to sit. Fighting these rotten institutions hand to hand and fighting a +religious eccentricity through an annual message, or a feeble act of +congress, are two separate and distinct things. + +If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I would +go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my loins, +and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with the aid +and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor the right +of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg the bogus +Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes pin on its +nose, would come and see what was the matter. + +I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I haven't +time to regret it now. + + + + +The Wild Cow. + +When I was young and used to roam around over the country, gathering +water-melons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk +anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now unless +the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many years. The +last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity; kind of a +self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her tail high and +she was haughty, oh, so haughty. + +I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very best of +society, one that need not have given offence anywhere. I said “So”--and +she “soed.” Then I told her to “hist” and she histed. But I thought she +overdid it. She put too much expression in it. + +Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and fall +with a dull, sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to see what +it was that caused the noise. They found that I had done it in getting +through the window. + +I asked the neighbors if the barn was still standing. They said it was. +Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be quite +robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, and see +if they could get my plug hat off her horns. + +I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who +will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels as +though he could trust me, it is all right. + +[Illustration: THE WILD COW.] + + + + +Spinal Meningitis. + +So many people have shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named +disease, and so few have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it +affords the patient, unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have +decided to briefly say something in answer to the innumerable inquiries I +have received. + +Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never +employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a +great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, who +will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for +pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was +contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest. + +I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might depend +on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse doctor, +a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine squirt in the +arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the headache, and she is now +with the rest of this veterinarian's patients in a land that is fairer +than this. + +She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change of +scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with people +who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene and rest to +last them through all eternity. He was called once to prescribe for a man +whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, and, after treating the +man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed rest and change of scene +for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now breathing the extremely rarified +air of the New Jerusalem. + +Meningitis is derived from the Latin _Meninges_, membrane, and--_itis_, an +affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis is the +inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or cerebrum, is +called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, etc., according to +the part of the spine or brain involved in the inflammation. Meningitis is +a characteristic and result of so-called spotted fever, and by many it is +deemed identical with it. + +When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down +through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae, and that the brain and +spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony wall and +covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to understand +that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets inflamed, a +doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about a yard and a +half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers Brothers' spoon +handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he would a page of the +_Congressional Record_, and to treat it with some local application. When +you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor tackles you with bromides, +ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, codi, bromide of ammonia, +hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, morphine sulph., nux vomica, +turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex magnus, opium, cantharides, Dover's +powders, and other bric-a-brac. These remedies are masticated and acted +upon by the salivary glands, passed down the esophagus, thrown into the +society of old gastric, submitted to the peculiar motion of the stomach +and thoroughly chymified, then forwarded through the pyloric orifice into +the smaller intestines, where they are touched up with bile, and later on +handed over through the lacteals, thoracic duct, etc., to the vast +circulatory system. Here it is yanked back and forth through the heart, +lungs and capillaries, and if anything is left to fork over to the +disease, it has to squeeze into the long, bony, air-tight socket that +holds the spinal cord. All this is done without seeing the patient's +spinal cord before or after taking. If it could be taken out, and hung +over a clothes line and cleansed with benzine, and then treated with +insect powder, or rolled in corn meal, or preserved in alcohol, and then +put back, it would be all right; but you can't. You pull a man's spine out +of his system and he is bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have +been about it. It is difficult to keep house without the spine. You need +it every time you cook a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a +dentist and put away in pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal +meningitis would lose its stinger. + +I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future +article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them said +very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told him that +I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of meningitis +and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip to Europe, +where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got a perfectly +lovely voice, if I would take it to Europe and have it sand-papered and +varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna. + +But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give their +biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr. Barnes and +others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to hold a +reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant relaxation for +them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of their patients. + + + + +Skimming the Milky Way. + +THE COMET. + +The comet is a kind of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look some +like planets, but they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when they hit +anybody as a planet does. The comet was so called because it had hair on +it, I believe, but late years the bald-headed comet is giving just as good +satisfaction everywhere. + +The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light or +coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes several +tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush times. + +When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, up +above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play with +the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see where +I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, their +hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho Brahe +discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and since then +times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and potatoes run +less to tows than they did before. + +Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less +periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been +watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed, but +there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two or +three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time. + +Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is not +so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The great +comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed about the +time of Caesar's death, 44 B.C., and still, when it appeared in Newton's +time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand farewell tour, Ike +said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and seemed to have retained +all its faculties in good shape. + +Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I do +not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just a +mere habit. + +A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity and +the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then death +came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail that +“the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic time in +the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a resisting +medium which has never been observed to have the slightest influence on +the planetary periods.” + +I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right. +Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since the +world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I know +of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we would +find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through the glare +of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will not be ashamed +to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our newspaper +subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes we will be +ready. + +[Illustration: TYCHO BRAHE AT WORK.] + +Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into the +sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. I wish +that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will agree to +pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his worrying about +the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and knocking its daylights +out. + +THE SUN. + +This luminous body is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have +been mornings this winter when it seemed to me that it was further than +that. A railway train going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be 263 +years going there, to say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or +stopping on side tracks to wait for freight trains to pass. Several years +ago it was discovered that a slight error had been made in the +calculations of the sun's distance from the earth, and, owing to a +misplaced logarithm, or something of that kind, a mistake of 3,000,000 +miles was made in the result. People cannot be too careful in such +matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the information contained in +the old time-table, a man should start out with only provisions sufficient +to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then find that 3,0000,000 miles +still stretched out ahead of him. He would then have to buy fresh figs of +the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of buying nice fresh figs on +a train that had been _en route_ 250 years! + +Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at the +age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. Think of +five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the way, and the +train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a living thing on +board except the worms in the “nice eating apples!” + +The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity. +Only one man every tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that cost +him $9. + +If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you discover +that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though suffering from +biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long streaks of light, +called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a cataract. The spots on +the sun vary from minute pores the size of an ordinary school district to +spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to the nude eye. The center of +these spots is as black as a brunette cat, and is called the umbra, so +called because it resembles an umbrella. The next circle is less dark, and +called the penumbra, because it so closely resembles the penumbra. + +There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly candid +with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can tell exactly +what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter ourselves that +we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are either, first, +open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; or, second, they +may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they may be the spots +knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition. + +Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be tenable. +Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that these spots +do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, I am prepared +to explain upon the theory that this might be the result of delays in the +returns However, I am free to confess that speculative science is filled +with the intangible. + +The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, once in 25 +to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two years +to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die we may go +at once to the sun. + +Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is +sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth +of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or +hired a man to do it for him. + +The sun is like the star spangled banner--as it is “still there.” You get +up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look away toward the east, +and keep on looking in that direction, and at last you will see a fine +sight, if what I have been told is true. If the sunrise is as grand as the +sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's most sublime phenomena. + +The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun +were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would be +a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is largely +dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real estate would +become depressed in price. We owe very much of our enjoyment to the sun, +and not many years ago there were a large number of people who worshiped +the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional insanity, they took him up +on the observatory of the temple and sacrificed him to the sun. They were +a very prosperous and happy people. If the conqueror had not come among +them with civilization and guns and grand juries they would have been very +happy, indeed. + +[Illustration: A COLD DAY.] + +THE STARS. + +There is much in the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to the +savant who hasn't the time nor means to rummage around through the +heavens. At times I am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to the great +yearnful, hungry world: “Grope on forever. Do not ask me for another +scientific fact. Find it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid planets, +and let me have a rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night and take +care of a newborn world, while you lie in bed and reck not.” + +I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when I +ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may +know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory. +And yet, what thanks do I get? + +Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from +scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the +dim vista of relentless years? + +Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from +Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years for +its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking over +the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining the +spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller size +will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I bought +it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before I was +born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much margin +between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer comes to +me and says: “Professor, I have discovered another new star and intend to +file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of the zenith, +running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a star of the +fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light mane and tail, +have you?” Now, how do I know that he has discovered a brand new star? +How can I discover whether he is or is not playing an old, threadbare star +on me for a new one? + +We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the star +business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, and +make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial time +table. + +No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began to +observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has +waned to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of +the injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened +prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest stars +I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid condition. +They will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink on long +after we have ceased to wink back. + +In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about the +third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded by +astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, but +upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was found +that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of the ninth +magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and trimmed with +moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal brightness, it +gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third magnitude, and +walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company. + +[Illustration: A NIGHTLY VIGIL.] + +It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of +constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the +advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing others to +light the northern lights, skim the milky way and do other celestial +chores. I would do it myself cheerfully if my health would permit, but for +years I have realized, and so has my wife, that my duties as an astronomer +kept me up too much at night, and my wife is certainly right about it when +she says if I insist on scanning the heavens night after night, coming +home late with the cork out of my telescope and my eyes red and swollen +with these exhausting night vigils, I will be cut down in my prime. So I +am liable to abandon the great labor to which I had intended to devote my +life, my dazzling genius and my princely income. I hope that other savants +will spare me the pain of another refusal, for my mind is fully made up +that unless another skimmist is at once secured, the milky way will +henceforth remain unskum. + + + + +A Thrilling Experience. + +I had a very thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled an +engagement in a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the hotel. + +The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been +locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The last +loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of the +pork packer were extinguished. + +No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, or +the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was still as the +bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed. + +The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross +receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was +worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept me +from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for +another's gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to mangle his +victim, that he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often take +a short cut to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter +politics, he might accomplish his purpose as surely and much more safely. + +Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the +bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so. + +The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance +of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a +gentle repose. + +Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent +slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs cast +wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the regular +features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to harbor ill +for one so guileless and so simple. + +I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or +other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room +was in semi-darkness. + +Hark! + +A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a human +being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes wider, +but not without spilling them out of their sockets. + +Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh +of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that +purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might +heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from the +embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly wrapper. + +Regularly, like the rise and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose and +fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with it. + +I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing +to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman who +had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay wrapt +in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole life. + +But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some +cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the +proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd a +hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob me of +my hard-earned wealth. + +Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be +trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing the +money I put it in the pocket of my _robe de nuit_. Then, with great care, +I pulled out a copy of Smith & Wesson's great work on “How to Ventilate +the Human Form.” I said to myself that I would sell my life as dearly as +possible, so that whoever bought it would always regret the trade. + +Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a thirty-eight +calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the corner. + +When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark +corner. Also another sigh of relief later on. + +I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen a +man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have also +seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his +pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room. + +However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed +toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling. + +People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that I had +suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in that way, +I had shot the valve off the steam radiator. + +It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do so +than have the affair garbled by careless hands. + + + + +Catching a Buffalo. + +A pleasing anecdote is being told through the press columns recently, of +an encounter on the South Platte, which occurred some years ago between a +Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets forth the fact that the Texans went +out to hunt buffalo, hoping to get enough for a mess during the day. +Toward evening they saw two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring hill near +the Platte, and at once pursued their game, each selecting an animal. They +separated at once, Jack going one way galloping after his beast, while Sam +went in the other direction. Jack soon got a shot at his game, but the +bullet only tore a large hole in the fleshy shoulder of the bull and +buried itself in the neck, maddening the animal to such a degree that he +turned at once and charged upon horse and rider. + +The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and _sang +froid_ peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times, +tangled his feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about +fifty feet. He then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where he could +consider the matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to recover. + +The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for a +few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he fell so +suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any bodily +injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack felt the +buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he caught it +with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the reach of his +enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out, when Sam hove in +sight and put a large bullet through the bull's heart. + +This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels it +off as though he might be telling his own experience. + +Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into what +is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I desire, in +my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo tail. Those +who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of running an +account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble animal has a +genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with a chenille tassel +at the end, which he throws up into the rarified atmosphere of the far +west, whenever he is surprised or agitated. + +In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to +brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for +him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features +with the miniature caudal bud. + +The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail +across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains. + +[Illustration: AN UNEQUAL MATCH.] + +He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment and +then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he wings +away in an opposite direction. + +The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would +have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a +question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms +jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had +strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and told +the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral courage to +follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the tail. It is +said that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his tracks were +thirteen miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with the buffalo one +hour, during which time he crossed the territories of Wyoming and Dakota +twice and surrounded the regular army three times, he became discouraged +and died fiom the injuries he had received. Perhaps, however, it may have +been fatigue. + +It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a +meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years. + +It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone +and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one +ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush of +manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three +reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose +and unusual mental equipoise. + +Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do not +wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident that +is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and have a +Jackrabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit is as +likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as the buffalo +would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly instantaneous you +must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which you abruptly and +almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in your memory. + +A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled buffalo +by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the circumstances. They +are dead, abnormally and extremely dead. + + + + +John Adams. + +After viewing the birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more +reconciled to my own birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was born +with those in which other eminent philanthropists and high-priced +statesmen originated, I find that I have no reason to complain. Neither of +the Adamses were born in a larger house than I was, and for general tone +and eclat of front yard and cook-room on behind, I am led to believe that +I have the advantage. + +John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to +prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was +bald-headed, he was the eider of the two; but I inquired about that while +on the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who +were familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first. + +[Illustration: PRESIDENTIAL SIMPLICITY.] + +John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a lawyer +by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the passage of +the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who represented +Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about that time he +wrote a letter in which he said: “The die is now cast; I have passed the +rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish with my country is +my unalterable determination.” Some have expressed the opinion that “the +rubicon” alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter was a law which he had +succeeded in getting passed; but this is not true. The idea of passing the +rubicon first originated with Julius Caesar, a foreigner of some note who +flourished a good deal B.C. + +In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry +Lee, that the United States “are, and of right ought to be, free and +independent.” Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for liberty +now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so. + +In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and +tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood to +be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best in +print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800, +however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received +65 to Jefferson's 73 votes. + +Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't so +much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those days the +president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other clothes as +he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull heads in the Potomac +till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun. + +Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president +nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of being +president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic became so +large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind just as +fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to sit +down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his mind, +his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider that +he did not use them much during his administration. + +John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the +eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, and +shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and +bald-headed Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to +look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball, +but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual +dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height of +his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries and +carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink was as +red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July. + +He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so +polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the +most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was +sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so that +he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they were +familiar with English as she is spoke. + +John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives, +there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 votes, +Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. Clay stood +in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it was said, and +was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a result. This may not +be true, but a party told me about it who got it straight from Washington, +and he also told me in confidence that he made it a rule never to +prevaricate. + +Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in +Congress alluded to his convictions. + +He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was frequently +on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an interest, and +when he began to make allusions, and blush all over the top of his head, +and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the presiding officer, they +say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward says, “with unwavering +firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous opposition, exasperated to the +highest pitch by his pertinacity--amidst a perfect tempest of vituperation +and abuse--he persevered in presenting his anti-slavery petitions, one by +one, to the amount sometimes of 200 in one day.” As one of his eminent +biographers has truly said: “John Quincy Adams was indeed no slouch.” + + + + +The Wail Of A Wife. + +“Ethel” has written a letter to me and asked for a printed reply. Leaving +off the opening sentences, which I would not care to have fall into the +hands of my wife, her note is about as follows: + +“---- Vt., Feb. 28, 1885. + +My Dear Sir: + +[Tender part of letter omitted for obvious reasons.] Would it be asking +too much for me to request a brief reply to one or two questions which +many other married women as well as myself would like to have answered? + +I have been married now for five years. To-day is the anniversary of my +marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in +comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better +than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their own +livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, and tie +themselves to a man when they might be free and happy? + +I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about +the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still they +do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a great +burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable. + +Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet +unmarried and self-supporting girls who are liable to make the same +mistake that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much +more universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I could if +I should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully remembered by + +Ethel.” + +It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle plea, +Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now addresses +you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your husband. +Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in print, so that +it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it should, I am gone. +If your husband were to run across this letter in the public press I could +never look him in the eye again. + +You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you +have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it. +You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you do +now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you has +not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as a +financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has affected +your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better clothes before +he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do well in business by +themselves, but when they go into partnership they bust higher than a +kite, if you will allow me the free, English translation of a Roman +expression which you might not fully understand if I should give it to you +in the original Roman. + +Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very light +on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, dear +Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for protection. +(This is a little political bon mot which I thought of myself. Some of my +best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of myself.) + +No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the day +and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and declare +a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and +disappointment. Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't help +feeling a pang of sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind or +that he so far forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a +harsh tone of voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you +for pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not. + +[Illustration: FOR REVENUE ONLY.] + +Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so I +will give notice to all simple young women who are now self-supporting and +happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens of +wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have +abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they +wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when +applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes and +have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and +independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child +twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But +those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it. + +I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall go +no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was +married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I got +them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got married +the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me. + +Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I do +not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Bunker Hill. + +Last week for the first time I visited the granite obelisk known all over +the civilized world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my memory +serves me correctly. General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the +corner-stone, and Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I +cannot now recall. Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and +Daniel spoke a good piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought +up himself. There has never been a feature of the early history and +unceasing struggle for American freedom which has so roused my admiration +as this custom, quite prevalent among congressmen in those days, of +writing their own speeches. + +Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or at his +suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel above writing +his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect and admiration for +Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an extemporaneous speaker, +and had he not allowed his portrait to appear last year in the _Century_, +wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat entirely out of style, my +respect and admiration would have continued indefinitely. + +Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from +its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not +ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors on +the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me as +though it had been recently oiled. + +On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument and +tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At the +feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in the +glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just that +way. + +Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid +for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, without +being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds much to the +genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it. + +There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham +County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was +not killed at either of these points. + +One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one +of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near where +Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost 1,050 in +killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450. While the +people of this country are showing such an interest in our war history, I +am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker Hill. The +Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command of General +Artemus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American humorist +really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can organize a +great deal of mourning. + +General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and +Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to +Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of war +it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to Boston +than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on the +ground where the monument now stands. + +The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at 2 +P.M. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. General +Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took his hat +off and recited a little poem beginning: + + “Stand, the ground's your own, my braves! + Will ye give it up to slaves?” + +A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like that +in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility on the +part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great +fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in +this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who +could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were +pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the +thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward. + +Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have stood +when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites of the +enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron flint-lock weapon used +in those days will admit that this order was wise. Those guns were in +union to health, of course, when used to excess, but not necessarily or +immediately fatal. + +At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out of +ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was found +that one end of the rebel flint-lock was about as fatal as the other, if +not more so. + +Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the +citizens of Boston: “Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's +eyes, and then go for him with your clubs.” Then the visitor surrenders. + +I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us +to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are +now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it. + +Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly a +great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. Bunker Hill +is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us who would not +have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known about it in +time. + + + + +A Lumber Camp. + +I have just returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the lumber +camps toward Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the snow for +a few weeks and swallow baked beans and ozone on the 1/2 shell. The affair +was a success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging Willow River, where +the gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have their home. + +Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more +fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the +Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 A.M., eat a +patent pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened +with Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the +giants of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till the +gray owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and all +for $12 per month and stewed prunes. + +I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed +others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand of +fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many pleasant +days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find around the +camp, and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the cookee. Those who +have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy and sylvan smoking +tobacco. + +They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions +this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the +circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver sent +with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) The +tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called the +Scandihoovian. I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because +you can smoke it in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia. + +When night came we would gather around the blazing fire and talk over old +times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week, then I bought a +new mouth and resolved to lead a different life. + +I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack in +the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's +effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always converse. +The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the English language +mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own quiet way. This +seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It also threw me a +good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our ways and our +language, but prior to that they are quite clannish. + +[Illustration: I TOOK A PIE.] + +The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with a +rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked with +the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy +replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could rapidly +change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio tongue, and +while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we would talk on and +on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native land. I don't know how +many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad light into the eye of the +cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an estimable lady, partially +married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio. + +I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as he +rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and shed the +scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but sometimes +I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel of flour. He was +an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest provocation, or +anything else. Once I told him something so touchful that his eyes were +blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, and stole away so +that he could be alone with his sorrow. + +He used to grind the coffee at 2 A.M. The coffee mill was nailed up +against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason I +did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind +coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the pine +boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a morose +man. + +We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own +language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible to me +as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different keys, and +still there was harmony in it--a kind of chime of imported snore as it +were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the cook would begin +his coffee mill overture and I would arise. + +When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's Birthday, +without food or water. + + + + +My Lecture Abroad. + +Having at last yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have decided +to make a professional farewell tour of England with my new and thrilling +lecture, entitled “Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and Deserved +Elevation of an American Citizen.” + +I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will be +sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good shape +in America on my return. + +Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to +come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been +out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad. + +This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American +citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around his +neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It also +treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, with +specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried especially +for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few straggling facts +scattered along through it don't interfere with the lecture itself in any +way. + +I shall appear in costume during the lecture. + +At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn at +the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner. + +Persons attending the lecture need not be identified. + +Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the flies +away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture. + +Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only once. +This encore business is being overdone lately, I think. + +Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any one +has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable +criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the +right, however, to do as I please about using them: + +LONDON, ---, ---, --Bill Nye opened his foreign lecture engagement here last +evening with a can-opener. It was found to be in good order. As soon as +the doors were opened there was a mad rush for seats, during which three +men were fatally injured. They insisted on remaining through the lecture, +however, and adding to its horrors. Before 8 o'clock 500 people had been +turned away. Mr. Nye announced that he would deliver a matinee this +afternoon, but he has been petitioned by tradesmen to refrain from doing +so, as it will paralyze the business interests of the city to such a +degree that they offer to “buy the house,” and allow the lecturer to +cancel his engagement. + +LONDON, ---, ---. --The great lecturer and contortionist, Bill Nye, last +night closed his six weeks' engagement here with his famous lecture on +“The Rise and Fall of the American Horse Thief,” with a grand benefit and +ovation. The elite of London was present, many of whom have attended every +evening for six weeks to hear this same lecture. Those who can afford it +will follow the lecturer back to America, in order to be where they can +hear this lecture almost constantly. + +Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who +should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. After +some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the janitor of +the hall. + +[Associated Press Cablegram] + +LONDON, ---, ---. --Bill Nye will sail for America to-morrow in the +steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America he will at once pay off +the national debt and found a large asylum for American dudes whose +mothers are too old to take in washing and support their sons in +affluence. + + + + +The Miner at Home. + +Receiving another notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine the +other day, reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless hole +that was supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing them. +The Aladdin claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate of +journalists, none of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If we +had been, we could have proved an alibi. + +We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a +Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great +fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty +in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own +language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that we +did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this way +till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while. + +Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of +course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge of +the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child unborn. +So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been referred to +the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, and the +auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, and then +proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned out to be +all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take early action +in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see that, although we +were not wealthy, we knew how to do business just the same as though we +had been a wealthy corporation. + +How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session made +a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was very +much as follows: + +“China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee same foolee me too +muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health. +You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee +slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How Long +make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me tlired. +You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee time +stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time heap +gone.” + +Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in +order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do +the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism +on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a feeling +of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, we had to +go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who had shoveled +in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of dollars, so we +took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the Aladdin. + +Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist +him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was when +he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I +wouldn't care to use it here anyway. + +[Illustration: I HAVE FORGOTTEN HIS FIRST REMARK.] + +It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs +and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and +services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him, and he had +planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin. + +That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had +not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out +there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it. + +Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond +the reach of social advantages, recognizes the fact that this Little, +unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest way, +yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the Aladdin +mine was not disturbed that summer. + +We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer for +the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our expert, +went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The assay of +the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that I had ever +hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, for when the +assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and found that his +whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay. + +I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he was +charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his trade +than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do wrong, +he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands. + +It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but +it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If it +stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you +can't get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth +$150. The great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and +its isolation as a well. + + + + +An Operatic Entertainment. + +Last week we went up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore +Thomas' orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The Coliseum +is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that city +and St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the management +like to wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day, and then watch the +perspiration trickle out through the clapboards on the outside. On the +closing afternoon, during the matinee performance, the building was +struck by lightning and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that +surmounts the oblique portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at +once the location of the bolt. + +The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was +repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his +boot wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a +chilblain, wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his ear, +then ran down the electric light wire, a part of it filling an +engagement in the Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the +depot, where it made double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet +high. All this was done very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy +with a cottonwood tree, know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at +once and in a brief manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass +in the skylight and deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen +parquette chairs, that were empty because the speculators who owned them +couldn't get but $50 apiece, and were waiting for a man to mortgage his +residence and sell a team. He couldn't make the transfer in time for the +matinee, so the seats were vacant when the lightning struck. The +immediate and previous fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the +direction of the platform, where it nearly frightened to death a large +chorus of children. Women fainted, ticket speculators fell $2 on +desirable seats, and strong men coughed up a clove. The scene beggared +description. I intended to have said that before, but forgot it. +Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath, and Christine Nilsson drew her +salary. Two thousand strong men thought of their wasted lives, and two +thousand women felt for their back hair to see if it was still there. I +say, therefore, without successful contradiction, that the scene +beggared description. Chestnuts! + +In the evening several people sang, “The Creation.” Nilsson was Gabriel. +Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings like a +joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? Nilsson is proud +and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to send a note up +to her, stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and if she could sit up +in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself, with her dress +kind of sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She wore a +diamond necklace and silk skirt The skirt was cut princesse, I think, to +harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when he +painted the top board of his fence green, he wanted it “to kind of +corroborate with his blinds.” He's the same man who went to Washington +about the time of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at the +“post mortise” examination. But the funniest thing of all, he said, was +to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of these “philosophers” around on the +streets. + +[Illustration: MAKING HIMSELF USEFUL.] + +But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is +certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded +the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size +fiddles, 10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed +man generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, +et cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, +with 4,500 people in the house and 3,000 outside yelling it the ticket +office--also at the top of their voices--and swearing because they +couldn't mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver +notes. It was frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those +two hours and a half, the electric lights went out nine times for +refreshments, and, on the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. +The first time the lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage +through a side entrance with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have +stood there and held it for Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't +with one voice laughed him out into the starless night. You might as +well have tried to light benighted Africa with a white bean. I shall +never forget how proud and buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that +kerosene lamp with a soiled chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved he +seemed when he took it and groped his way out, while the Coliseum +trembled with ill-concealed merriment. I use the term “ill-concealed +merriment” with permission of the proprietors, for this season only. + + + + +Dogs and Dog Days. + +I take occasion at this time to ask the American people as one man, what +are we to do to prevent the spread of the most insidious and disagreeable +disease known as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be smothered, as +was the case the other day right here in our fair land, a land where +tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look anxiously +into each other's faces and inquire, what shall we do? + +Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of dog +virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over that +virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the navy-blue +blood of free-born American citizens? + +I wot not. + +If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just +wot it would be. + +But again. + +What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and +then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris? + +It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act we +must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be? + +Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze along +for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years after being +deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go on comfortably +through life and die at last with the unanimous consent of their heirs +dogless. + +Then why cannot the poor gradually taper off on dogs? They ought not to +stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at +last they overcame the pernicious habit. + +I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven +variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his +will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a +man. He did so, and to-day he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to be +the picture of health. + +The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a +quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then +all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only +that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins +or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh +at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous +lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young +lady in the parquet or on the ear. + +It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to those +who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory +political reform--I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is purely +ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our children +more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I would agree +to feed with my only son. + +I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he +may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of a +leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main +strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's +pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be very +readable, and there will be another joke in it also. eod tf.) + +I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid +dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked +by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather than +see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading industry +here, I would forego the dog. + +Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded +they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not wish +to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield up our +dogs and take the affection that we would otherwise bestow on them on some +human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are thousands of +people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and starving for the +love and money that we daily shower on the dog. + +If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly +celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold, +moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very +impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a little +nervous myself. + + + + +Christopher Columbus. + +Probably few people have been more successful in the discovering line than +Christopher Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many things +were still in an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with golden +opportunities for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition. His life +at first was filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at last he grew +to be a man of importance in his own profession, and the people who wanted +anything discovered would always bring it to him rather than take it +elsewhere. + +And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a +continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was very +poor. + +Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose +metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded as +petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not singular +that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a hemisphere to +the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie is a common thing, +not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet that he should have +gone down to his grave pieless! + +Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought +and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new fields +of action. + +I presume that America to-day has a larger pie area than any other land in +which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where millions of +native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the fact that +they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between the Goddess +of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no other land can +boast of. + +From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated mince +pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, volcanic +and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with the high +instep to his nose, leads the world. + +Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and their +cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its infancy and +our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward spring, but look +at our pie. + +Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a +fratricidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and +also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were made +which are fast coming to the surface--through the courtesy of participants +in said war who have patiently waited for those who blundered to die off, +and now admit that said participants who are dead did blunder exceedingly +throughout all this long and deadly struggle for the supremacy of liberty +and right--as I was about to say when my mind began to wobble, the +American pie has shown forth resplendent in the full glare of a noonday +sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric light, and she stands forth +proudly to-day with her undying loyalty to dyspepsia untrammeled and her +deep and deadly gastric antipathy still fiercely burning in her breast. + +That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities, +kingdoms and hand-made dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of +pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American +pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able to +make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is smart; +I simply say it to fill up. + +But would it not do Columbus good to come among us to-day and look over +our free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this continent +which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the thraldom of +barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining influences of +prohibition and pie? + +America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you +listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his +mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and +perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We +allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of our +failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which we erect a +monument to the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and therefore +politically useless. + +The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these +lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read this +little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary before +such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be written, and he +will thank me for it; but it is not for that that I have done it. It is a +pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and biographical data in +a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am only too glad to please +and gratify the student and the savant. I was that way myself once and I +know how to sympathize with them, + +P.S.--I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, he did +not murmur or repine. + + + + +Accepting the Laramie Postoffice. + +Office of Daily Boomerang, Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882. + +My Dear General.--I have received by telegraph the news of my nomination +by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as postmaster at +Laramie, and wish, to extend my thanks for the same. + +I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit, +including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks. + +I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal truth +over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the Nation's +onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not know when I +have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so thoroughly +impressed me with its wisdom. + +Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you will +not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to matters +concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and feel +perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. Do not +feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and indifferent, cold +or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the difference between a +general delivery window and a three-m quad, but that is a mistake. + +[Illustration: A NEW OFFICE OUTFIT.] + +My general information is far beyond my years. + +With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the +President and the Senate, whatever it may be, + +I remain, sincerely yours, + +Bill Nye, P.M. + +Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D.C. + + + + +A Journalistic Tenderfoot. + +Most everyone who has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to +mind as he reads this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not so +pronounced and protuberant. + +Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West and +the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a job as +correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his hair +longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat collar and +the general _tout ensemble_ of the genus “smart Aleck.” He had also +clothed himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel scout and +beautiful girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven west by a +wild desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a general Wild Bill +business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, to rescue enough +beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar College in Wyoming or +Montana. + +I told him that we did not care for a mining correspondent who did not +know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man a good +many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a prospect shaft +even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem almost wicked +and sacriligious to send a man out there among those old grizzly miners +who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless the young man could +readily distinguish the points of difference between a chunk of free +milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage. + +He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some +eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to +refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before he +had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us a long +letter from there. It might have been written before he started, however. + +The letter was of the “we-have-went” and “I-have-never-saw” variety, and +he spelt curiosity “qrossity.” He worked hard to get the word into his +alleged letter, and then assassinated it. + +Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got +into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the +strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep. + +Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that +our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, and +writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on +Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of these +fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on “The Weasel Asleep,” “The +Pauper's Dream,” “The Mary Ellen” and “The Over Draft,” ever seemed to +crop out in the paper. + +Why was it? + +I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled +plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that I +would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious +litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and +lock up their front fences and garden fountains. + +In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some “float.” He had +wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he didn't +know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back and inquire. +He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the bosom of the +unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a perpendicular wall of the +Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up and hit him athwart the +nose. + +[Illustration: COMMUNING WITH NATURE.] + +He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough +time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and +gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night, and was +greatly annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury +toward zero all through the summer nights. + +Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button his +alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the +sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain lion. +He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got to the +camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job. + +They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a blamed +drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed a merry +laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next morning within +the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at the stake. + +The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was +to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan +country. + +He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had +violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out from +under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a poor +tight-rope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in such +a way that he died of his injuries. + + + + +The Amateur Carpenter. + +In my opinion every professional man should keep a chest of carpenters' +tools in his barn or shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in +constructing the varied articles that are always needed about the house. +There is a great deal of pleasure in feeling your own independence of +other trades, and more especially of the carpenter. Every now and then +your wife will want a bracket put up in some corner or other, and with +your new, bright saw and glittering hammer you can put up one upon which +she can hang a cast-iron horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water +lilies sewed in it. + +A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little +things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make +invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything of that +kind whatever, and you who are “so handy.” + +Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to say +that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask him +for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will sell you +a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron with basswood +handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of stovepipe. + +After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very +naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will +probable try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee. + +I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of it. +In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the barn +floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it loose +from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined a +bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a +lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it. + +During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was not +handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of 1886, +I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as the +weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place around +the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest that I +don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal friends. They +seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an ice-chest. My brother +looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of an ice-chest was that it +ought to be tight enough at least to hold the larger chunks of ice so that +they would not escape through the pores of the ice-box. He says he never +built one, but that it stood to reason that a refrigerator like that ought +to be constructed so that it would keep the cows out of it. You don't want +to have a refrigerator that the cattle can get through the cracks of and +eat up your strawberries on ice, he says. + +A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a +thick thumb-nail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet +corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not suited +to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during the +holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he thought, +if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less pain. + +I have made several other little articles of _vertu_ this spring, to the +construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two +finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg, +of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing to +meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley +between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the left, +pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and three +kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice. + + + + +The Average Hen. + +I am convinced that there is great economy in keeping hens if we have +sufficient room for them and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the +fowl property. But to the professional man, who is not familiar with the +habits of the hen, and whose mind does not naturally and instinctively +turn henward, I would say: Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of +Piscataquis county, Me. + +Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. Any +one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average self-made +hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements directly over +the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed brain student will at +once notice a great falling-off in the region of reverence and an abnormal +bulging out in the location of alimentiveness. + +Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over +the occiputal bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of home +and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much in +comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity, +reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of home +and offspring she shines forth with great splendor. + +The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care for +music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she loves +her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests of the +hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that line. + +I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem +whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I +could write a speech for a friend in congress--a speech that would be +printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States and +be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and attract +attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am not worthy. +I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence of a setting +hen. + +When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse +myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be +alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity, I never do +it is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has +been cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look upon +the still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's young +morning, snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale of +wind, without being visibly affected. + +But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out an +early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged hen, +who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second childhood. +Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the pruning hook of +time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in society, she deposits +her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far from the haunts of men, +and then in August, when eggs are extremely low and her collection of no +value to any one but the antiquarian, she proudly calls attention to her +summer's work. + +This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society +during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to +assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as a +calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her. + +And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long +life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class +of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden hours +has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain door-knob trying to hatch +out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she passed in +solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with bitterness toward +all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall she would come off +the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps. + +[Illustration: THE RESULT OF PATIENCE.] + +Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she +stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of +those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing +but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her feet +during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors. + + + + +Woodtick William's Story. + +We had about as ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras county, +thirty years ago, as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb and a +brass band in fourteen States. For ways that was kittensome they were +moderately active and abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing +style of Calaveras kid, when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and wanted +to engage the school at the old camp, where I hung up in the days when the +country was new and the murmur of the six-shooter was heard in the land. + +[Illustration: WINNING THEIR YOUNG LOVE.] + +“George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East, with +conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him for +a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of +information and big sorrowful eyes. + +“So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around George or +using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies' boodore; but +as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a blamed cent. They just +hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux. + +“They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive knowledge. +They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to that country to +win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a blood-shot tone of +voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras kids in the early days. + +“George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove him +into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus. + +“Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's life, +just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon my +manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to the +top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on his +back, and had to give up at last. + +“It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin' it onto the +school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that didn't go to +school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up Jack. + +“Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it.” + +“The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young +tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an +application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain +discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he wanted +to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to tute about +Monday follering. + +“Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the ground, +and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the hostile +hoodlums of Calaveras. + +“Monday he sailed in about 9 A.M. with his grip-sack, and begun the +discharge of his juties. + +“He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big +railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate +and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. Several +large, white-eyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, inquiring +tone of voice, but he didn't say much. He seemed considerably reserved as +to the plan of the campaign. The new teacher then unlocked his +alligator-skin grip, and took out a Bible and a new self-cocking weepon +that had an automatic dingus for throwing out the empty shells. It was one +of the bull-dog variety, and had the laugh of a joyous child. + +“He read a short passage from the Scriptures, and then pulled off his coat +and hung it on a nail. Then he made a few extemporaneous remarks, after +which he salivated the palm of his right hand, took the self-cocking +songster in his left, and proceeded to wear out the gads over the varied +protuberances of his pupils. + +“People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the +school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and +manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian +tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the barrel +of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to realize that it +would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he came back and sat +down. + +“After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of that +door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again. He +didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that summer we +accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother.” + + + + +In Washington. + +I have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington is +the hot-bed of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche +business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one I +was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and who asked +me if I wrote “The Heathen Chinee.” + +He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague +yearning for something more tangible--to drink. He was in Washington, he +said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo +county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me long +after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent +conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these +web-perfecting talkers--the kind that can be fed with raw Roman punch, +and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished sausages. +Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a listener, I did +not interrupt him. + +He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents came +to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. + +I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies should +allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I asked, +that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? + +“Ah,” said he, “it is indeed rough!” + +He then breathed a sigh that shook the foilage of the speckled geranium +near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. + +“Matrimony is all right,” said he, “if properly brought about. It breaks +my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial +market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought +here like slaves and exposed for sale.” I had noticed that they were +somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. I asked him +if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in the minority, +and he said they had. + +I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently caught in a +doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially through +her costume. + +I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel; +neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the +kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to woman. No +family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad landscape to +the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a great adjunct of +civilization and progress. The electric light is a good thing, but how +pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's eyes. The +telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, and murmur +into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, and keep it +up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the telephone has +still much to learn from woman. + +It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and I +presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every +way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of a +dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are. I hate to see +people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and more +destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter +than I ever saw before. + +But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several ladies +about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they will. It +seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put it at the +other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I may say. +They smiled good humoredly at me as I tried to impress my views upon them, +but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad whirl of +Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl, I +presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with +trimmings of real vertebrae down the back. + +Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He knows +nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a man +frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the first woman +he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity and talk very +freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel? + +Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocusses and +indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a +number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from +their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become confirmed +drunkards. + +I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps I +should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat is +fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the beaten +path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed to me that +I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no charge is made +for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man who was standing +near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, what the damage +was, and he drew himself up to his full height. + +Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed odd +to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band and +the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this +government. + + + + +My Experience as an Agriculturist. + +During the past season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I met +with some success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes a good +deal of success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its throne. +I've had trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal conditions of +the vital organs, but old reason sits there on his or her throne, as the +case may be, through it all. + +Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe. +Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that loves +it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved by the +weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the squash +and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved by the +potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; the tomato +is loved by the cut-worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, and so forth, +and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a wall-flower. [Early +blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. Plant as soon as there is +no danger of frosts, in drills four inches apart. When ripe, pull it, and +eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be added to taste.] + +Well, I began early to spade up my angle-worms and other pets, to see if +they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were +unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish at +first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they pitched +right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked +splendidly. I was most worried about my cut-worms. Away along in April I +had not seen a cutworm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and perhaps +perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter. + +One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from +behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff in +the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time to +assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I +could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their +blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the +agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they +didn't throw any light on the subject. I got wild. I feared that I had +brought but one cut-worm through the winter, and I was liable to lose him +unless I could find out what to feed him. I asked some of my neighbors, +but they spoke jeeringly and sarcastically. I know now how it was. All +their cut-worms had frozen down last winter, and they couldn't bear to see +me get ahead. + +[Illustration: THEY SPOKE JEERINGLY.] + +All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the concussion +yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk; no doubt he +was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought him two +dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the first +pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three in one +night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals for his +friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants. By this +time I had collected a large group of common scrub cut-worms, early +Swedish cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn cut-worms, all +doing well, but still, I thought, a little hide-bound and bilious. They +acted languid and listless. As my squash bugs, currant worms, potato bugs, +etc., were all doing well without care, I devoted myself almost +exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong and well, but they +seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, but cabbages. + +I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large. +These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. In +a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of _ennui_ and languor that I +had I formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them some +more tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On the whole I +was as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of anything. + +One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged. +The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the +ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there +wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had learned to +look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come up and eat +a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them. I was +almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled over my +foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A neighbor +said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He had +swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, unless +some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be wiped out, I +for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. When a common +toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect, can swallow up my +summer's work, it is time to pause. + + + + +A New Autograph Album. + +This autograph business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is all +one-sided. I want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come back +at the autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other fellow +creature unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are inflicted +by the man who is making a collection of the autographs of “prominent +men,” and who sends a printed circular formally demanding your autograph, +as the tax collector would demand your tax. + +John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the +other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last great +work, and he said: “Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me your +autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call business.” He +then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the cashier did ditto, and +the two autographs were turned over to me. + +Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the +presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the +above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials +would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it +would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been +considering the advisability of issuing the following letter: + +To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United States. + +Gentlemen--I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs of +the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and to +make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs written +at the foot of the national currency bank note of the denomination of $5. +I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I only suggest this +denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the album. + +Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I prefer +to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that built up +our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look upon this +move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is not simply a +freak, it is a desire of my heart. + +In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or +attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at the +time. + +I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So +far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and +noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering +meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more +familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at times +my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens as I +could have wished. This has been my chief drawback. + +I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file +them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming +years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and +those passes were taken up. + +I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact +that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed the +bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should deem you +my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any movement +looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your bank. The +autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your hands, would +be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob your bank. I +would even be willing to enter into a contract with you not to break into +your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be compelled to confine +myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in a great measure, but I +am getting now so I like to spend my evenings at home, anyhow, and if I do +well this year, I shall sell my burglars' tools and give myself up to the +authorities. + +You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, I +trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly +honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long felt +want. + +Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty +cooperation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they have +existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and that your +bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words to that +effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one country, +one flag and one bank account. + + + + +A Resign. + +Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W.T., Oct. 1, 1883. + +To the President of the United States: + +Sir.--I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as +postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and +the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on +the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which +comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction +you should turn it at first in order to make it operate. + +There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have +not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a +luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of +this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less +to keep him. + +You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the +distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws +too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery +window. + +Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, I +find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the +duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was +not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation of +the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able to +make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able to +reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I +might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that +might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a +matter of history. + +Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have safely +passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly improved +condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution to my +successor. + +Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather +bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his +administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. Finding +nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather +bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and +burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my +predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became a candidate +for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party +was able, however, with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow +the old man under to a great degree. + +[Illustration: STRICT ATTENTION TO BUSINESS.] + +It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of +unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef +rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good +figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations for +the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the +black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of +another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of +permanent prosperity. + +Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself and +the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and prompt +cooperation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, of course, about +incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving proclamation, but rest +assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. It is not alone a credit +to myself, It reflects credit upon the administration also. + +I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow +and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking +for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the salary +as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to fork, as +it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other at this +point. + +You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the cat +out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you +can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her. + +If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put his +mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on +a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him +through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, which you will +find near the Etruscan water-pail. This will not in any manner surprise +either of these parties. + +Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed only +with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me +personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. I +believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz: Those who +are in the postal service, and those who are mad because they cannot +receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including +Sunday. + +Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of +office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my +eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the +heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of +a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening +thud. + + + + +My Mine. + +I have decided to sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property this +spring. It would not be sold if I had the necessary capital to develop it. +It is a good mine, for I located it myself. I remember well the day I +climbed up on the ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my location notice +to the eaves of the sky. + +It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm. +It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc of +the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty chains, +three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half to a blue +spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three links of +sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the lead to place +of beginning. + +The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. I +sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good +assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His +assay read as follows to-wit: + +Salt Lake City, U.T., August 25, 1877. + +Mr. Bill Nye:--Your specimen of ore No. 35832, current series, has been +submitted to assay and shows the following result: + + + Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. + + Gold -- -- + Silver -- -- + Railroad iron 1 -- + Pyrites of poverty 9 -- + Parasites of disappointment 90 -- + +McVicker, Assayer. + + +Note.--I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and +erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the vertical +slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut the +malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist about as +good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 for assay +and we shall see what we shall see. + +Well, I didn't know he was “an humorist,” you see, so I went to work on +the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a shaft and everything +else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so high that we had to +carry water up there to drink when we began and before fall we had struck +a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more water in that mine +than the regular army could use. + +When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the +assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same time +inclosed the certificate of assay. + +Salt Lake City, U.T., October 3, 1877. + +Mr. Bill Nye:--Your specimen of ore No. 36132, current series, has been +submitted to assay and shows the following result: + + + Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. + + Gold -- -- + Silver -- -- + Railroad iron 1 -- + Pyrites of poverty 9 -- + Parasites of disappointment 90 -- + +McVicker, Assayer. + + +In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I +could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure. +He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift. + +Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to go +on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others had +been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other +things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature. + +The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, veins, +sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and assessments is +now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary funds for the +development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so much trouble with +water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim the Governor of North +Carolina, because he was always dry. + + + + +Mush and Melody. + +Lately I have been giving a good deal of attention to hygiene--in other +people. The gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who gives +the most time and thought to this subject is an invalid himself; just as +the young theological student devotes his first sermon to the care of +children, and the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of +how and when to plant ruta-bagas or wean a calf from the parent stem. + +Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past +two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the +human form; its structure and idiosyncracies, as it were. Perhaps few men +in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or more +select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this +boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth to +the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising in +this line. + +Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, I +have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a chronic +invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no disease +whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me no snug +little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I was +obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results have +shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the great. +The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only go at it in +the right way. But I started out to say something on the subject of +health, for there are still many common people who would rather be healthy +and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling new disease. + +Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked +hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular +mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two +for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two +statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so. + +With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own musical +genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a +pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to +make it attractive. + +What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that +expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we +know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. In +this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will march +down through the dim vista of years together. + +The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the +sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup +Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical +names. + +Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a way +that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be followed +by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of Mince Pie La +Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an extended +description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the conception +is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family moving in +exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the late lamented +hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be added to the process +of mastication. + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Blase Young Man. + +I have just formed the acquaintance of a _blase_ young man. I have been on +an extended trip with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but he is +already weary of life. He was very careful all the time never to be +exuberant. No matter how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed himself +to exube. + +Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say “Ah!” but that +was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared in +luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of life, +and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the +pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The _blase_ young +man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because life was +hollow. + +He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that +the hankering might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet +grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice pure +air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else? + +This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently +consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not right, +but I did it. I saw the following articles in it: + +31 Assorted Neckties. + 1 pair Socks (whole). + 1 pair do. (not so whole). +17 Collars. + 1 Shirt + 1 quart Cuff-Buttons. + 1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear. + 1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs. + 1 box Condition Powders. + 1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald). + 1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works. + 1 box Prepared Chalk. + 1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast. + 1 Powder Rag. + 1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy. + 1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it. + 1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night. + 1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that it will + not forget to come out again the next day. + 1 Box Trix for the breath. + 1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes unmanageable. + 1 Ear-spoon (large size). + 1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane. + 1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on). + 1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs. + 1 Pair Corsets. + 1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning. + 1 Large Box _Ennui_, to be used in Society. + 1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure. + 1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs. + 1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side pocket, but not for nose. + 1 Plain Handkerchief for nose. + 1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning). + 1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening). + 1 Picnic Head for Cane. + 1 Bottle Peppermint. + 1 do. Catnip. + 1 Waterbury Watch. + 7 Chains for same. + 1 Box Letter Paper. + 1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue). + 1 do “ (Bismarck brindle). + 1 do “ (mashed gooseberry). + 1 Seal for same. + 1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico). + +[Illustration: HE IS NIX BONUM.] + +There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you +couldn't rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he +returned from the wash-room. + +I do not like the _blase_ young man as a traveling companion. He is _nix +bonum_. He is too _E pluribus_ for me. He is not _de trop_ or _sciatica_ +enough to suit my style. + +If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile Indian +country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result. + +It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story +buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and “Ah!” adown our +pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except that we had a +good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be called green, +but I would rather be green and aspiring than _blase_ and hide-bound at +nineteen. + +Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be +immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death. + + + + +History of Babylon. + +The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only too +painfully, that the people of a town make or mar its success rather than +the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start. + +Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a hole +in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every corner of +the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common dynasty totter +on its throne. + +Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not keep +up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While Babylon +was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of Christ, and +Kansas City was organized so many years after that event that many of the +people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City has doubled her +population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a gothic hole in the +ground. + +Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out +Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were +blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While +Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other +towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with an +exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink and +showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is no +more. + +This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in +idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. “Babylon was +probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient world.” + Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose remarks are +unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers to Babylon as +“the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's excellency,” and, yet, +while Cheyenne has the electric light and two daily papers, Babylon hasn't +got so much as a skating rink. + +A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet high, +she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is +forgotten. + +Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side of +the river, and the great temple of Belus. Connected with one of these +palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the seven +wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the Washington +monument and civil service reform. + +This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was not +so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This garden +was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over the other, +like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each stage, or +story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next story sprung. +This structure was also supported by the common council of Babylon, who +came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the immense +weight. + +It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind +became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good +memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark in +the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I was +not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being born +prior to that time. + +“When we turn from this picture of the past,” says the historian, +Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, “to contemplate the +present condition of these localities, we are at first struck with +astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and wonderful a +metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken down. God has +swept it with the besom of destruction.” + +One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been +abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced to +admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling arches +or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here and there +huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth and wicked, +selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and defied the supreme +laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire and the hard-handed, hungry +laborer alike must bow, and they are dust to-day. + +Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to +depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation, +and after a full investigation, I assent without fear of successful +contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is busted, +and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the Chaldean +fence. + +Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it doubtfully, +and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what we can do +before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how we have +demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. He rises up +rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going to Canada he +goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are lots of modern +Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my business I would +call their attention to it. The assertion that gold will procure all +things has been so common and so popular that too many consider first the +bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, humanity and common +decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into the notion that first +comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, the ice cream sociable +and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity go hand in hand +sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer respectability on anybody +who comes into the church to purchase it. + +I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more +earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the +Christian life, said: “A man may lose all his wealth and get poor and +hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down close to +the dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his immortal +soul it is good-bye John.” + + + + +Lovely Horrors. + +I dropped in the other day to see New York's great congress of wax figures +and soft statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first thing you do +on entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York this spring is +mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, through which the +genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar to give the goddess +of liberty a boom. + +I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham through +which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving object. +Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there is a model +ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a nickle. I never +visited a town that offered so many inducements for early and judicious +investments as New York. + +But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice the +presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the band +of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained where +the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is lovely. +I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under one roof +and at one price of admission. + +If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a merely +nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long as you +live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so as to get +so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole show yet in +the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples down my spinal +column just as it did the first time I saw it. + +The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't +think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified. + +I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light +watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I look at +most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a collection of +delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these that you get on +week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. Certainly New York +is the place where you get your money's worth. + +There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the price +of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that you +finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately suspect +that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a breath of fresh +air and stretch his legs. + +[Illustration: HE WAS GREATLY ANNOYED.] + +That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in my +pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I must +have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could see +that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in +every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his +ill-concealed Knickerbocker lineage high. + +I said, “Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket.” This +startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the arms of a +wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in the +clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed to be +greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away. + +I returned to view a chaste and truthful scene where one man had +successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a +column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought. + +Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple on him +like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from the +mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella and +began to explain me to his companion. + +[Illustration: THIS IS JESSE JAMES.] + +“This,” said the Adam's apple with the young man attached to it, “is Jesse +James, the great outlaw chief from Missouri. How life-like he is. Little +would you think, Emeline, that he would as soon disembowel a bank, kill the +entire board of directors of a railroad company and ride off the rolling +stock, as you would wrap yourself around a doughnut. How tender and kind +he looks. He not only looks gentle and peaceful, but he looks to me as if +he wasn't real bright.” + +I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went +away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly +near and hear people discuss him. + +But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day a +wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for wax. +I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to see if +the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across the ear in +such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is a roaring in +my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed. + + + + +The Bite of a Mad Dog. + +A “Family Physician,” published in 1883, says, for the bite of a mad dog: +“Take ash-colored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and powdered, half an +ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. Mix these well +together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of which must be +taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively in half an +English pint of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses are taken, the +patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or river, every +morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over, but not stay in +(with his head above water) longer than half a minute if the water is very +cold. After this he must go in three times a week for a fortnight longer. +He must be bled before he begins to take the medicine.” + +It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is +bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After +that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury +has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing +away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of +pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then take +a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath (with the +head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under water, you +may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best. + +When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your pocket +to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome you. Some +use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others prefer a personal +friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on an empty stomach. It +might make you ill. + +Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end of +the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog may +reverse himself. + +If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell him with +a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took several days +to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which was queller. + +The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself +mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing to +do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled +until he has disappeared. + +Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a +new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the +dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get +one. + +It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back +yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the +approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the +dog). + +This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at +the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and the +danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of promise, it seems +sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man could +be absolutely free from anxiety. + +If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish to +try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at once +for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but close +him right out below cost. + +Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, and +he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, who +was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of a mad +dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the marks of +his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves exclusively +to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for indigent mad dogs +out of my own private funds. + + + + +Arnold Winkelreid. + +This great man lived in the old romantic days when it was a common thing +for a patriot to lay down his life that his country might live. He knew +not fear, and in his noble heart his country was always on top. Not alone +at election did Arnold sacrifice himself, but on the tented field, where +the buffalo grass was soaked in gore, did he win for himself a deathless +name. He was as gritty as a piece of liver rolled in the sand. Where glory +waited, there you would always find Arnold Winkelreid at the bat, with +William Tell on deck. + +[Illustration: CLEAR THE TRACK.] + +One day the army of the tyrant got a scoop on the rebel mountaineers and +it looked bad for the struggling band of chamois shooters. While Arnold's +detachment didn't seem to amount to a hill of beans, the hosts of the +tyrannical Austrian loomed up like six bits and things looked forbidding. +It occurred to Colonel Winkelreid that the correct thing would be to break +through the war front of the enemy, and then, while in his rear, crash in +his cranium with a cross gun while he was looking the other way. Acting on +this thought, he asked several of his most trusted men to break through +the Austrian line, so that the balance of the command could pass through +and slaughter enough of the enemy for a mess, but these men seemed a +little reticent about doing so, owing to the inclemency of the weather and +the threatening aspect of the enemy. The armed foe swarmed on every +hillside and their burnished spears glittered below in the canon. You +couldn't throw a stone in any direction without hitting a phalanx. It was +a good year for the phalanx business. + +Then Arnold took off his suspenders, and, putting a fresh chew of tobacco +in among his back teeth, he told his men to follow him and he would show +them his little racket. Marching up to the solid line of lances, he +gathered an armful and put them in the pit of his stomach, and, as he sank +to the earth, he spoke in a shrill tone of voice to posterity, saying, +“Clear the track for Liberty.” He then died. + +His remains looked like a toothpick holder. + +But he made way for Liberty, and his troops were victorious. + +At the inquest it was shown that he might have recovered, had not the +spears sat so hard on his stomach. + +Probably A. Winkelreid will be remembered with gratitude long after the +name of the Sweet Singer of Michigan shall have rotted in oblivion. He +recognized and stuck to his proper spear. (This is a little mirthful +deviation of my own.) + +I can think of some men now, even in this $ age of the world, who could +win glory by doing as A.W. did. They could offer themselves up. They +could suffer for the right and have their names passed down to posterity, +and it would be perfectly splendid. + +But the heroes of to-day are different. They are just as courageous, but +they take a wheelbarrow and push it from New York to San Francisco, or +they starve forty days and forty nights and then eat watermelon and +lecture, or they eat 800 snipe in 800 years, or get an inspiration and +kill somebody with it. + +The heroes of our day do not wear peaked hats and shoot chamois, and sass +tyrants and knock the worm out of an apple at fifty-nine yards rise with a +cross gun, as Tell did, but they know how to be loved by the people and +get half of the gate money. They are brave, but not mortally. The heroes +of our day all die of old age or political malaria. + + + + +Murray and the Mormons. + +Gov. Murray, the gritty Gentile governor of Utah, would be noticed in a +crowd. He is very tall, yet well proportioned, square-built and handsome. +He was called fine looking in Kentucky, but the narrow-chested apostle of +the abnormally connubial creed does not see anything pretty about him. +Murray moves about through Salt Lake City in a cool, self-possessed kind +of way that is very annoying to the church. Full-bearded, with brown +moustache and dark hair parted a little to leeward of center; clothed in a +diagonal Prince Albert coat, a silk hat and other clothes, he strolls +through Zion like a man who hasn't got a yelping majority of ignorant +lepers, led by a remorseless gang of nickel-plated apostles, thirsting for +his young blood. I really believe he don't care a continental. The days of +the avenging angel and the meek-eyed Danite, carrying a large sock loaded +with buckshot, are over, perhaps; but only those who try to be Gentiles in +a land of polygamous wives and anonymous white-eyed children, know how +very unpopular it is. Judge Goodwin, of the Tribune, feels lonesome if he +gets through the day without a poorly spelled, spattered, daubed and +profane valentine threatening his life. The last time I saw him he showed +me a few of them. They generally referred to him as a blankety blank +“skunk,” and a “hound of hell.” He said he hoped I wound pardon him for +the apparent egotism, but he felt as though the Tribune was attracting +attention almost everyday. Some of these little billet-doux invited him to +call at a trysting place on Tribune avenue and get his alleged brains +scattered over a vacant lot. Most all of them threatened him with a +rectangular head, a tin ear, or a watch pocket under the eye He didn't +seem to care much. He felt pleased and proud. Goodwin was always pleased +with things that other men didn't like much. In the old days, when he and +Mark Twain and Dan DeQuille were together, this was noticed in him. Gov. +Murray is the same way. He feels the public pulse, and says to himself: +“Sometime there's going to be music here by the entire band, and I desire +to be where I shan't miss a note.” + +There are people who think the Mormons will not fight. Perhaps not. They +won't if they are let alone, and allowed to fill the sage brush and line +the banks of the Jordan with juvenile _nom de plumes_. They are peaceful +while they may populate Utah and invade adjoining territories with their +herds of ostensible wives and prattling progeny; while they can bring in +every year via Castle Garden and the stock yards palace emigrant car, +thousands of proselyted paupers from every pest house of Europe, and the +free-love idiots of America. But when Murray gets an act of congress at +his back and a squad of nervy, gamy, law-abiding monogamous assistants +appointed by the president under that act of congress to knock crosswise +and crooked the Jim Crow revelations of Utah and Mormondom, you will see +the fur fly, and the fragrant follower of a false prophet will rise up +William Riley and the regular army will feel lonesome. I asked a staff +officer in one of the territories last summer what would be the result if +the Mormons, with their home drill and their arms and their devotion to +home and their fraudulent religion, should awake Nicodemas and begin to +massacre the Gentiles, and the regular army should be sent over the +Wasatch range to quell the trouble. + +“Why,” said he, “the white-eyed followers of Mormonism would kill the +regular army with clubs. You can wear out a tribe of hostile Indians when +the grass gives out and the antelope hunts the foothills, but the Mormons +make everything they eat, drink and wear. They don't care whether there's +tariff or free trade. They can make everything from gunpowder to a knit +undershirt, from a $250 revelation to a hand-made cocktail. When a church +gets where it can make such cooking whisky as the Mormons do, it is time +to call for volunteers and put down the hydra-headed monster.” + +If congress don't step on a technicality and fall down, it looks like +amusement ahead, and if a District of Columbia rule, or martial law, or +tocsin of war is the result, Gov. Murray is a good style of war governor. +He isn't the kind of a man to put on his wife's gossamer cloak and meander +over into Montana. He would give the matter his attention, and you would +find him in the neighborhood when the national government decided to sit +down on disorderly conduct in Utah. The first lever to be used will be the +great wealth of which the Mormon church and its members privately are +possessed. Then the oleaginous prophet will get a revelation to gird up +his loins and to load the double-barrel shotgun, and fire the culverin, +and to knock monogamy into a cocked hat. Money first and massacre second. +They can draw on their revelation supply house at three days, any time, +for authority to fill the irrigation ditches of Zion with the blood of the +Gentile and feed his vital organs to the coyote. + + + + +About Geology. + +Geology is that branch of natural science which treats of the structure of +the earth's crust and the mode of formation of its rocks. It is a pleasant +and profitable study, and to the man who has married rich and does not +need to work, the amusement of busting geology with the Bible, or busting +the Bible with geology is indeed a great boon. + +Geology goes hand in hand with zoology, botany, physical geography and +other kindred sciences. Taxidermy, chiropody and theology are not kindred +sciences. + +Geologists ascertain the age of the earth by looking at its teeth and +counting the wrinkles on its horns. They have learned that the earth is +not only of great age, but that it is still adding to its age from year to +year. + +It is hard to say very much of a great science in so short an article, and +that is one great obstacle which I am constantly running against as a +scientist. + +I once prepared a paper in astronomy entitled “The Chronological History +and Habits of the Spheres.” It was very exhaustive and weighed four +pounds. I sent it to a scientific publication that was supposed to be +working for the advancement of our race. The editor did not print it, but +he wrote me a crisp and saucy postal card, requesting me to call with a +dray and remove my stuff before the board of health got after it. In five +short years from that time he was a corpse. As I write these lines, I +learn with ill-concealed pleasure that he is still a corpse. An awful +dispensation of Providence, in the shape of a large, wilted cucumber, laid +hold upon his vitals and cursed him with an inward pain. He has since had +the opportunity, by actual personal observation, to see whether the +statements by me relating to astronomy were true. His last words were: +“Friends, Romans and countrymen, beware of the q-cumber. It will w up.” It +was not original, but it was good. + +The four great primary periods of the earth's history are as follows, viz, +to-wit: + +1. The Eozoic or dawn of life. + +2. The Palaeozoic or period of ancient life. + +3. The Mesozoic or middle period of life. + +4. The Neozoic or recent period of life. + +These are all subdivided again, and other words more difficult to spell +are introduced into science, thus crowding out the vulgar herd who cannot +afford to use the high priced terms in constant conversation. + +Old timers state that the primitive condition of the earth was extremely +damp. With the onward march of time, and after the lapse of millions of +years, men found that they could get along with less and less water, until +at last we see the pleasant, blissful state of things. Aside from the use +of water at our summer resorts, that fluid is getting to be less and less +popular. And even here at these resorts it is generally flavored with some +foreign substance. + +[Illustration: THE MASTODON.] + +The earth's crust is variously estimated in the matter of thickness. Some +think it is 2,500 miles thick, which would make it safe to run heavy +trains across the earth anywhere on top of a second mortgage, while other +scientists say that if we go down one-tenth of that distance we will reach +a place where the worm dieth not. I do not wish to express an opinion as +to the actual depth or thickness of the earth's crust, but I believe that +it is none too thick to suit me. + +Thickness in the earth's crust is a mighty good fault. We estimate the age +of certain strata of the earth's formation by means of a union of our +knowledge of plant and animal life, coupled with our geological research +and a good memory. The older scientists in the field of geology do not +rely solely upon the tracks of the hadrasaurus or the cornucopia for their +data. They simply use these things to refresh their memory. + +I wish that I had time and space to describe some of the beautiful +bacteria and gigantic worms that formerly inhabited the earth. Such an +aggregation of actual, living Silurian monsters, any one of which would +make a man a fortune to-day, if it could be kept on ice and exhibited for +one season only. You could take a full grown mastodon to-day, and with no +calliope, no lithographs, no bearded lady, no clown with four pillows in +his pantaloons and no iron-jawed woman, you could go across this continent +and successfully compete with the skating rink. + +There would be but one difficulty. Tour expenses would not be heavy. The +mastodon would be willing to board around, and no one would feel like +turning a mastodon out of doors if he seemed to be hungry; but he might +get away from you and frolic away so far in one night that you couldn't +get him for a day or two, even if you sent a detective for him. + +If I had a mastodon I would rather take him when he was young, and then I +could make a pet of him, so that he could come and eat out of my hand +without taking the hand off at the same time. A large mastodon weighing a +hundred tons or so is awkward, too. I suppose that nothing is more painful +than to be stepped on by an adult mastodon. + +I hope at some future time to write a paper for the Academy of Science on +the subject of “Deceased Fauna, Fossiliferous Debris and Extinct Jokes,” + showing how, when and why these early forms of animal life came to be +extinct. + + + + +A Wallula Night. + +I have just returned after a short tour in the far West. I made the tour +with my new lecture, which I am delivering this winter for the benefit, +and under the auspices, of a young man who was a sufferer in the great +rise-up-William-Biley-and-come-along-with-me cyclone, which occurred at +Clear Lake, in this State, a year ago last September. + +In said cyclone, said young man was severely caressed by the elements, and +tipped over in such a way as to shatter the right leg, just below the +gambrel joint. I therefore started out to deliver a few lectures for his +benefit, and in so doing have made a 4,000 mile trip over the Northern +Pacific railway, and the Oregon River and Navigation company's road. On +the former line the passenger is fed by means of the dining-car, a very +good style of entertainment, indeed, and well worthy of the age in which +we live; but at Wallula Junction I stopped over to catch a west-bound +Oregon Railway and Navigation train. + +That was where I fooled myself. I should have taken my valise and a rubber +door mat from the sleeping-car, and crawled into the lee of a snow fence +for the night. I did not give the matter enough thought. I just simply +went into the hotel and registered my name as a man would in other hotels. +This house was kept, or retained, I should say, by a relative of the late +Mr. Shylock. You have heard, no doubt, how some of the American hotels +have frowned on Mr. Shylock's relatives. Well, Mr. Shylock's family got +even with the whole American people the night I stopped in No. 2, second +floor of the Abomination of Desolation. As a representative of the +American people, I received for my nation, vicariously, the stripes +intended for many generations. + +No. 2 is regarded as a room by people who have not been in it. By those +who have, it is looked upon as a morgue. + +When I stepped into it, I noticed an odor of the dead past. It made me +shudder my overshoes off. The first thing that attracted my attention +after I was left alone, was the fact that other people had occupied this +room before I had, and, although they were gone, they had left a kind of +an air of inferiority that clung to the alleged apartment, an air of plug +tobacco and perspiration, if you will pardon the expression. + +They had also left a pair of Venetian pantaloons. From this clue, my +active brain at once worked out the problem and settled the fact that the +party who had immediately preceded me was a man. Long and close study of +the habits and characteristics of humanity has taught me to reason out +these matters, and to reach accurate conclusions with astonishing +rapidity. + +He was not only a man, but he was a short man, with parenthetical legs and +a thoughtful droop to the seat of his pants. I also discovered that more +of this man's life had been expended in sitting on a pitch pine log than +in prayer. + +One of his front teeth was gone, also. This I learned from a large cast of +his mouth, shown on the end of a plug of tobacco still left in the pocket. + +[Illustration: IN SUSPENSE.] + +In Wallula there is a marked feeling of childlike trust and confidence +between people. It is a feature of Wallula society, I may say. The people +of the junction trust strangers to a remarkable extent. In what other town +in this whole republic would a pair of pantaloons be thus left in the +complete power of a total stranger, a stranger, too, to whom pantaloons +were a great boon? I could easily have caught those pantaloons off the +nail, thrust them into my bosom, and fled past the drowsy night clerk, out +into the great, sheltering arms of the silent night, but I did not. + +Anon through the long hours I would awake and listen fitfully to the wail +of damned souls, as it seemed to me, the wail of those who tried to stay +there a week, and had starved to death. Here was their favorite wailing +place. Here was the place where damned souls seemed to throw aside all +restraint and have a good time. I tried to keep out the sound by stuffing +the pillow in my ear, but what is a cheap hotel pillow in a man's ear, if +he wants to keep the noise out. + +So I lay there and listened to the soft sigh of the bath tub, the loud, +defiant challenge of the athletic butler down stairs, the last weak death +rattle in the throat of the coffee pot in the dining room, and the wail of +the damned souls who had formerly stopped at this hotel, but who had been +rescued at last, and had hilariously gone to perdition, only to come back +at night and torment the poor guest by bragging over the superiority of +hell as a refuge from the Wallula hotel. + +Now and then in the night I would almost yield to a wild impulse and catch +those pantaloons off the hook, to rush out and go to Canada with them, and +then I would softly go through the pockets and hang them back again. + +It was an awful night. When morning dawned at last, and I took the pillow +out of my ear and looked in the delirious and soap-spattered mirror, I saw +that my beautiful hair, which had been such a source of pride to me ten +years ago, had disappeared in places. I paid my bill, called the attention +of the landlord to the fact that I had not taken those pantaloons and +'betrayed' his trust, and then I went away. + + + + +Flying Machines. + +A long and exhaustive examination of the history of flying machines +enables me to give briefly some of the main points of a few, for the +benefit of those who may be interested in this science. I give what I do +in order to prepare the public to take advantage of the different methods, +and be ready at once to fly as soon as the weather gets pleasant. + +A Frenchman invented a flying-machine, or dofunny, as we scientists would +term it, in 1600 and something, whereby he could sail down from the +woodshed and not break his neck. He could not rise from the ground like a +lark and trill a few notes as he skimmed through the sky, but he could +fall off an ordinary hay stack like a setting hen, with the aid of his +wings. His name was Besnier. + +One hundred and twenty-five years after that a prisoner at Vienna, named +Jacob Dagen, told the jailer that he could fly. The jailer seemed +incredulous, and so Jake constructed a pair of double barrel umbrellas, +that worked by hand, and fluttered with his machine into the air fifty +feet. He came down in a direct line, and in doing so ran one of the +umbrellas through his thorax. I am glad it is not the custom now to wear +an umbrella in the thorax. + +In England, during the present century, several inventors produced flying +machines, but in an evil hour agreed to rise on them themselves, and so +they died from their injuries. Some came down on top of the machines, +while others preceded their inventions by a few feet, but the result was +the same. The invention of flying machines has always been handicapped, as +it were, by this fact Men invent a flying machine and then try to ride it +and show it off, and thus they are prevented by death from perfecting +their rolling stock and securing their right of way. + +In 1842, Mr. William Henderson got out a “two-propeller” machine, and +tried to incorporate a company to utilize it for the purpose of carrying +letters, running errands, driving home the cows, lighting the Northern +Lights and skimming the cream off the Milky Way, but it didn't seem to +compete very successfully with other modes of travel, and so Mr. Henderson +wrapped it up in an old tent and put it away in the hay-mow. + +In 1853, Mr. J.H. Johnson patented a balloon and parachute dingus which +worked on the principle of a duck's foot in the mud. I use scientific +terms because I am unable to express myself in the common language of the +vulgar herd. This machine had a tail which, under great excitement, it +would throw over the dash board as it bounded through the air. + +Probably the biggest thing in its way under this head was the revival of +flying under the presidency of the Duke of Argyle, the society being +called the Aeronautical Society of Great Britain. This society made some +valuable calculations and experiments in the interest of aerostation, +adding much to our scientific knowledge, and filling London with cripples. + +In 1869, Mr. Joseph T. Kaufman invented and turned loose upon the people +of Glasgow an infernal machine intended to soar considerably in a quiet +kind of way and to be propelled by steam. It looked like the bird known to +ornithology as the _flyupithecrick_, and had an air brake, patent coupler, +buffer and platform. It was intended to hold two men on ice and a rosewood +casket with silver handles. It was mounted on wheels, and, as it did not +seem to skim through the air very much, the people of Glasgow hitched a +clothes line to it and used it for a band wagon. + +Rufus Porter invented an aerial dewdad ten years ago in Connecticut, where +so many crimes have been committed since Mark Twain moved there. This was +called the “aeraport,” and looked like a seed wart floating through space. +This engine was worked by springs connected with propellers. A saloon was +suspended beneath it, I presume on the principle that when a man is +intoxicated he weighs a pound less. This machine flew around the rotunda +of the Merchants' Exchange, in New York City, eleven times, like a hen +with her head cut off, but has not been on the wing much since then. + +Other flying machines have been invented, but the air is not peopled with +them as I write. Most of them have folded their pinions and sought the +seclusion of a hen-house. It is to be hoped that very soon some such +machine will be perfected, whereby a man may flit from the fifth story +window of the Grand Pacific Hotel, in Chicago, to Montreal before +breakfast, leaving nothing in his room but the furniture and his kind +regards. + +Such an invention would be hailed with much joy, and the sale would be +enormous. Now, however, the matter is still in its infancy. The mechanical +birds invented for the purpose of skimming through the ether blue, have +not skum. The machines were built with high hopes and a throbbing heart, +but the aforesaid ether remains unskum as we go to press. The Milky Way is +in the same condition, awaiting the arrival of the fearless skimmer. Will +men ever be permitted to pierce the utmost details of the sky and ramble +around among the stars with a gum overcoat on? Sometimes I trow he will, +and then again I ween not. + + + + +Asking for a Pass. + +The general passenger agent of a prominent road leading out of Chicago +toward the south, tells me that he is getting a good many letters lately +asking for passes, and he complains bitterly over the awkward and +unsatisfactory style of the correspondence. Acting on this suggestion and +though a little late in the day, perhaps, I have erected the following as +a guide to those who contemplate writing under similar circumstances: + +Office of The Evening Squeal, January 14, 1886. + +General Passenger Agent, Great North American Gitthere R.R., Chicago, Ill. + +Dear Sir.--I desire to know by return mail whether or no you would be +pleased to swap transportation for kind words. I am the editor of “The +Squeal,” published at this place. It is a paper pure in tone, world wide +in its scope and irresistible in the broad sweep of its mighty arm. + +[Illustration: THE PRESS.] + +I desire to visit the great exposition at New Orleans this winter, and +would be willing to yield you a few words of editorial opinion, set in +long primer type next to pure reading matter, and without advertising +marks. + +My object in thus addressing you is two-fold. I have always wanted to do +your road a kind act that would put it on its feet, but I have never +before had the opportunity. This winter I feel just like it, and am not +willing, but anxious. Another object, though trivial, perhaps, to you, is +vital to me. If I do not get the pass, I am afraid I shall not reach there +till the exposition is over. You can see for yourself how important it is +that I should have transportation. Day after day the president on to the +grounds and ask if I am there. Some official will salute him and answer +sadly, “No, your highness, he has not yet arrived, but we look for him +soon. He is said to be stuck in a mud hole somewhere in Egypt.” Then the +exposition will drag on again. + +[Illustration: STUCK IN A MUD HOLE.] + +You may make the pass read, “For self, Chicago to New Orleans and return,” + and I will write the editorial, or you may make it read, “Self and wife” + and I will let you write it yourself. Nothing is too good for my friends. +When a man does me a kind act or shows signs of affection, I just allow +him to walk all over me and make himself perfectly free with the policy of +my paper. + +The “Evening Squeal” has been heard everywhere. We send it to the four +winds of Heaven, and its influence is felt wherever the English language +is respected. And yet, if you want to belong to my coterie of friends, you +can make yourself just as free with its editorial columns as you would if +you owned it. + +And yet “The Squeal” is a bad one to stir up. I shudder to think what the +result would be if you should incur the hatred of “The Squeal.” Let us +avoid such a subject or the possibility of such a calamity. + +“The Squeal” once opposed the candidacy of a certain man for the office of +school district clerk, and in less than four years he was a corpse! Struck +down in all his wanton pride by one of the popular diseases of the day. + +My paper at one time became the foe of a certain road which tapped the +great cranberry vineyards of northern Minnesota, and that very fall the +berries soured on the vines! + +I might go on for pages to show how the pathway of “The Squeal” has been +strewn with the ruins of railroads, all prosperous and happy till they +antagonized us and sought to injure us. + +I believe that the great journals and trunk lines of the land should stand +in with one another. If you have the support and moral encouragement of +the press you will feel perfectly free to run over any one who gets on +your track. Besides, if I held a pass over your road I should feel very +much reserved about printing the details of any accident, delay or washout +along your line. I aim to mould public opinion, but a man can subsidize +and corrupt me if he goes at it right. I write this to kind of give you a +pointer as to how you can go to work to do so if you see fit. + +Should you wish to pervert my high moral notions in relation to railways, +please make it good for thirty days, as it may take me a week or so to +mortgage my property and get ready to go in good style. I will let you +know on what day I will be in New Orleans, so that you can come and see me +at that time. Should you have difficulty in obtaining an audience with me, +owing to the throng of crowned heads, just show this autograph letter to +the doorkeeper, and he will show you right in. Wipe your boots before +entering. + +Yours truly, + +Daniel Webster Briggs, +Editor of “The Squeal.” + +It is my opinion that no railroad official, however disobliging, would +hesitate a moment about which way he would swing after reading an epistle +after this pattern. Few, indeed, are the men who would be impolitic enough +to incur the displeasure of such a paper as I have artfully represented +“The Squeal” to be. + + + + +Words About Washington. + +The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that made +him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large feet and +a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned, full-dress pumpkin pie. I use the +word glamour, not so much because I know what glamour means, but because I +have never used it before, and I am getting a little tired of the short, +easy words I have been using so long. + +George Washington's face has beamed out upon us for many years now, on +postage stamps and currency, in marble, and plaster, and bronze, in +photographs of original portraits, paintings, end stereoscopic views. We +have seen him on horseback and on foot, on the war-path and on skates, +cussing his troops for their shiftlessness, and then in the solitude of +the forest, with his snorting war-horse tied to a tree, engaged in prayer. + +We have seen all these pictures of George, till we are led to believe that +he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries. But George +Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of +his life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the +proud history of the Father of his Country. I say it simply that the boys +of America who want to become George Washingtons will not feel so timid +about trying it. + +When I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the limekiln +at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his subordinates at times, +in a way to make the ground crack open and break up the ice in the +Delaware a week earlier than usual, I do not mention it in order to show +the boys of our day that profanity will make them resemble George +Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no doubt he was ashamed +of it, as he ought to have been. Some poets think that if they get drunk, +and stay drunk, they will resemble Edgar A. Poe and George D. Prentice. +There are lawyers who play poker year after year, and get regularly +skinned, because they have heard that some of the able lawyers of the past +century used to come home at night with poker chips in their pockets. + +Whisky will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. And yet I have +seen poets who relied solely on the potency of their breath, and lawyers +who knew more of the habits of a bob-tail flush than they ever did of the +statutes in such case made and provided. + +George Washington was always ready. If you wanted a man to be first in +war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be first +baseman in time of peace, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at any hour +of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the hearts of his +countrymen, George's postoffice address was at once secured. + +Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often we hear that +in America! It is the place where it is a positive disadvantage to be born +wealthy. And yet, sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way +on me. I do not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too +late; but it seems to me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight +into human nature, I could have struggled along under the burdens and +cares of wealth with great success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I +could have been born wealthy, it seems to me I would have been tickled +almost to death. + +I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to +say that greatness is a lottery is pernicious. Man may be wrong sometimes +in his judgment of others, both individually and in the aggregate, but he +who gets ready to be a great man will surely find the opportunity. + +Many who read the above paragraph will wonder who I got to write it for +me, but they will never find out. + +In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for three +reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his friends. +Another was that he had a strong will without being a mule. Some people +cannot distinguish between being firm and being a big blue jackass. + +Another reason why Washington is loved and honored to-day, is that he died +before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly superior to +the method adopted by many modern statesmen, who wait till their +constituency weary of them and then reluctantly and tardily die. + + + + +The Board of Trade. + +I went into the Chicago Board of Trade awhile ago to see about buying some +seed wheat for sowing on my farm next spring. I heard that I could get +wheat cheaper there than anywhere else, so I went over. The members of the +Board seemed to be all present. They were on the upper floor of the house, +about three hundred of them, I judge, engaged in conversation. All of them +were conversing when I entered, with the exception of a sad-looking man +who had just been squeezed into a corner and injured, I was told. I told +him that arnica was as good as anything I knew of for that, but he seemed +irritated, and I strode majestically away. Probably he thought I had no +business to speak to him without an introduction, but I never stand on +ceremony when I see anyone in pain. + +[Illustration: INDULGING IN CONVERSATION.] + +I got a ticket when I went in, and began to look around for my wheat. I +didn't see any at first. I then asked one of the conversationalists how +wheat was. + +“Oh, wheat's pretty steady just now, 'specially October, but yesterday we +thought the bottom had dropped out. Perfect panic in No. 2, red; No. 2, +Chicago Spring, 73-7/8. Dull, my Christian friend, dull is no name for it. +More fellers got pinched yesterday than would patch purgatory fifteen +miles. What you doing, buying or selling?” + +“Buying.” + +“Better let me sell you some choice Chicago Spring way down. Get some man +you know on the Board to make the trade for you.” + +“Well, if you've got something good and cheap, and that you know will +grow, I'd like to look at it,” I said. + +He took me over by the door where there was a dishpan full of wheat, and +asked me how that struck me, I said it looked good and asked him how much +he could spare of it at .73. He said he had 50,000 bushels that he wasn't +using, and he thought he could get me another 50,000 of a friend, if I +wanted it. I said no, 100,000 bushels was more than I needed. I told him +that if he would let me have that dishpan full, one-half cash and the +balance in installments, I might trade with him, but I didn't want him to +sell me his last bushel of wheat and rob himself. + +“Very likely you've got a family,” said I, “and you mustn't forget that +we've got a long, cold, hard winter ahead of us. Hang on to your wheat. +Don't let Tom, Dick and Harry come along and chisel you out of your last +kernel, just to be neighborly.” + +I remained in the room an hour and a half, the cynosure of all eyes. There +is a great deal of sociability there. Three hundred men all talking +diagonally at each other at the same time, reminds me of a tete-a-tete I +once had with a warm personal friend, who was a boiler-maker. He invited +me to come around to the shop and visit him. He said we could crawl down +through the manhole into the boiler and have a nice visit while he worked. + +I remember of following him down through the hole into the boiler; +then they began to head boiler rivets, and I knew nothing more till I +returned to consciousness the next day to find myself in my own +luxuriously-furnished apartments. + +The family physician was holding my hand. My wife asked: “Is he conscious +yet, do you think, doctor?” + +“Yes,” he replied, “your husband begins to show signs of life. He may live +for many years, but his intellect seems to have been mislaid during his +illness. Do you know whether the cat has carried anything out of this room +lately?” + +Then my wife said: “Yes, the cat did get something out of this room only +the other day and ate it. Poor thing!” + + + + +The Cow-Boy. + +So much amusing talk is being made recently anent the blood-bedraggled +cow-boy of the wild West, that I rise as one man to say a few things, not +in a dictatorial style, but regarding this so-called or so esteemed dry +land pirate who, mounted on a little cow-pony and under the black flag, +sails out across the green surge of the plains to scatter the rocky shores +of Time with the bones of his fellow-man. + +A great many people wonder where the cow-boy, with his abnormal thirst for +blood, originated. Where did this young Jesse James, with his gory record +and his dauntless eye, come from? Was he born in a buffalo wallow at the +foot of some rock-ribbed mountain, or did he first breathe the thin air +along the brink of an alkali pond, where the horned toad and the centipede +sang him to sleep, and the tarantula tickled him under the chin with its +hairy legs? + +Careful research and cold, hard statistics show that the cow-boy, as a +general thing, was born in an unostentatious manner on the farm. I hate to +sit down on a beautiful romance and squash the breath out of a romantic +dream; but the cow-boy who gets too much moist damnation in his system, +and rides on a gallop up and down Main street shooting out the lights of +the beautiful billiard palaces, would be just as unhappy if a mouse ran up +his pantaloon-leg as you would, gentle reader. He is generally a youth who +thinks he will not earn his twenty-five dollars per month if he does not +yell, and whoop, and shoot, and scare little girls into St. Vitus's dance. +I've known more cow-boys to injure themselves with their own revolvers +than to injure anyone else. This is evidently because they are more +familiar with the hoe than they are with the Smith & Wesson. + +One night while I had rooms in the business part of a Territorial city in +the Rocky Mountain cattle country, I was awakened at about one o'clock A. +M. by the most blood-curdling cry of “Murder” I ever heard. It was murder +with a big “M.” Across the street, in the bright light of a restaurant, a +dozen cow-boys with broad sombreros and flashing silver braid, huge +leather chaperajas, + +Mexican spurs and orange silk neckties, and with flashing revolvers, were +standing. It seemed that a big, red-faced Captain Kidd of the band, with +his skin full of valley tan, had marched into an ice-cream resort with a +self-cocker in his hand, and ordered the vanilla coolness for the gang. +There being a dozen young folks at the place, mostly male and female, from +a neighboring hop, indulging in cream, the proprietor, a meek Norwegian +with thin white hair, deemed it rude and outre to do so. He said something +to that effect, whereat the other eleven men of alcoholic courage let off +a yell that froze the cream into a solid glacier, and shook two kerosene +lamps out of their sockets in the chandeliers. + +[Illustration: HE YELLED MURDER.] + +Thereupon, the little Y.M.C.A. Norwegian said: + +“Gentlemans, I kain't neffer like dot squealinks and dot kaind of a tings, +and you fellers mit dot ledder pantses on and dot funny glose and such a +tings like dot, better keep kaind of quiet, or I shall call up the +policemen mit my delephone.” + +Then they laughed at him, and cried yet again with a loud voice. + +This annoyed the ice-cream agriculturist, and he took the old axe-handle +that he used to jam the ice down around the freezer with, and peeled a +large area of scalp off the leader's dome of thought, and it hung down +over his eyes, so that he could not see to shoot with any degree of +accuracy. + +After he had yelled “Murder!” three or four times, he fell under an +ice-cream table, and the mild-eyed Scandinavian broke a silver-plated +castor over the organ of self-esteem, and poured red pepper, and salt, and +vinegar, and Halford sauce and other relishes, on the place where the +scalp was loose. + +This revived the brave but murderous cow-gentleman, and he begged that he +might be allowed to go away. + +The gentle Y.M.C.A. superintendent of the ten-stamp ice-cream freezers +then took the revolvers away from the bold buccaneer, and kicked him out +through a show-case, and saluted him with a bouquet of July oysters that +suffered severely from malaria. + +All cow-boys are not sanguinary; but out of twenty you will generally find +one who is brave when he has his revolvers with him; but when he forgot +and left his shooters at home on the piano, the most tropical violet-eyed +dude can climb him with the butt-end of a sunflower, and beat his brains +out and spatter them all over that school district. + +In the wild, unfettered West, beware of the man who never carries arms, +never gets drunk and always minds his own business. He don't go around +shooting out the gas, or intimidating a kindergarten school; but when a +brave frontiersman, with a revolver in each boot and a bowie down the back +of his neck, insults a modest young lady, and needs to be thrown through a +plate-glass window and then walked over by the populace, call on the +silent man who dares to wear a clean shirt and human clothes. + + + + +Stirring Incidents at a Fire. + +Last night I was awakened by the cry of fire. It was a loud, hoarse cry, +such as a large, adult man might emit from his window on the night air. +The town was not large, and the fire department, I had been told, was not +so effective as it should have been. + +For that reason I arose and carefully dressed myself, in order to assist, +if possible. I carefully lowered myself from my room, by means of a +staircase which I found concealed in a dark and mysterious corner of the +passage. + +On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse cry of fire had been taken up +by others, passed around from one to another, till it had swollen into a +dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town is always a grand sight. + +All along the street in front of Mr. Pendergast's roller rink the blanched +faces of the people could be seen. Men were hurrying to and fro, knocking +the bystanders over in their frantic attempts to get somewhere else. With +great foresight, Mr. Pendergast, who had that day finished painting his +roller rink a dull-roan color, removed from the building the large card +which bore the legend: + +FRESH PAINT! + +so that those who were so disposed might feel perfectly free to lean up +against the rink and watch the progress of the flames. + +Anon the bright glare of the devouring element might have been seen +bursting through the casement of Mr. Cicero Williams's residence, facing +on the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink. Across the street the +spectator whose early education had not been neglected could distinctly +read the sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Alonzo Burlingame, +which was lit up by the red glare of the flames so that the letters stood +out plainly as follows: + +Alonzo Burlingame, + +Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice-Cream, Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery, + Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish. +Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing. +Gas Fitting and Undertaking in all Its Branches. +Hides, Tallow, and Maple Syrup. +Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt. +Glue, Codfish, and Gent's Neckwear. +Undertaker and Confectioner. +Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty. + +Jno. White, Ptr. + +The flames spread rapidly, until they threatened the Palace rink of our +esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and urbane manner +has endeared him to all. + +With a degree of forethought worthy of a better cause, Mr. Leroy W. Butts +suggested the propriety of calling out the hook and ladder company, an +organization of which every one seemed to be justly proud. Some delay +ensued in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook and Ladder Company +No. 1's building, but at last he was secured, and, after he had gone home +for the key, Mr. Butts ran swiftly down the street to awaken the foreman, +but, after he had dressed himself and inquired anxiously about the fire, +he said that he was not foreman of the company since the 2d of April. + +Meantime the firefiend continued to rise up ever and anon on his hind feet +and lick up salt-barrel after salt-barrel in close proximity to the Palace +rink, owned by our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr. Pendergast. Twice Mr. +Pendergast was seen to shudder, after which he went home and filled out a +blank which he forwarded to the insurance company. + +Just as the town seemed doomed, the hook and ladder company came rushing +down the street with their navy-blue hook and ladder truck. It is indeed a +beauty, being one of the Excelsior noiseless hook and ladder factory's +best instruments, with tall red pails and rich blue ladders. + +Some delay ensued, as several of the officers claimed that under a new +bylaw passed in January they were permitted to ride on the truck to fires. +This having been objected to by a gentleman who had lived in Chicago +several years, a copy of the by-laws was sent for and the dispute +summarily settled. The company now donned its rubber overcoats with great +coolness and proceeded at once to deftly twist the tail of the firefiend. + +It was a thrilling sight as James McDonald, a brother of Terrance +McDonald, Trombone, Ind., rapidly ascended one of the ladders in the full +glare of the devouring element and fell off again. + +Then a wild cheer arose to a height of about nine feet, and all again +became confused. + +It was now past 11 o'clock, and several of the members of the hook and +ladder company who had to get up early the next day in order to catch a +train excused themselves and went home to seek much-needed rest. + +Suddenly it was discovered that the brick livery stable of Mr. Abraham +McMichaels, a nephew of our worthy assessor, was getting hot. Leaving the +Palace rink to its fate, the hook and ladder company directed its +attention to the brick barn, and, after numerous attempts, at last +succeeded in getting its large iron prong fastened on the second story +window-sill, which was pulled out. The hook was again inserted, but not so +effectively, bringing down at this time an armful of hay and part of an +old horse blanket. Another courageous jab was made with the iron hook, +which succeeded in pulling out about 5 cents worth of brick. This was +greeted by a wild burst of applause from the bystanders, during which the +hook and ladder company fell over each other and added to the horror of +the scene by a mad burst of pale-blue profanity. + +It was not long before the stable was licked up by the firefiend, and the +hook and ladder company directed its attention toward the undertaking, +embalming, and ice-cream parlors of our highly esteemed fellow-townsman, +Mr. A. Burlingame. The company succeeded in pulling two stone window-sills +out of this building before it burned. Both times they were encored by the +large and aristocratic audience. + +Mr. Burlingame at once recognized the efforts of the heroic firemen by +tapping a keg of beer, which he distributed among them at 25 cents per +glass. + +This morning a space forty-seven feet wide, where but yesterday all was +joy and prosperity and beauty, is covered over with blackened ruins. Mr. +Pendergast is overcome by grief over the loss of his rink, but assures us +that if he is successful in getting the full amount of his insurance he +will take the money and build two rinks, either one of which will be far +more imposing than the one destroyed last evening. + +A movement is on foot to give a literary and musical entertainment at +Burley's hall, to raise funds for the purchase of new uniforms for the +“fire laddies,” at which Mrs. Butts has consented to sing “When the Robins +Nest Again,” and Miss Mertie Stout will recite “'Ostler Jo,” a selection +which never fails to offend the best people everywhere. Twenty-five cents +for each offense. + +Let there be a full house. + + + + +The Little Barefoot Boy. + +With the moist and misty spring, with the pink and white columbine of the +wildwood and the breath of the cellar and the incense of burning overshoes +in the back yard, comes the little barefoot boy with fawn colored hair and +a droop in his pantaloons. Poverty is not the grand difficulty with the +little barefoot boy of spring. It is the wild, ungovernable desire to +wiggle his toes in the ambient air, and to soothe his parboiled heels in +the yielding mud. + +I see him now in my mind's eye, making his annual appearance like a +rheumatic housefly, stepping high like a blind horse. He has just left his +shoes in the woodshed and stepped out on the piazza to proclaim that +violet-eyed spring is here. All over the land the gladiolus bulb and the +ice man begin to swell. The south wind and the new-born calf at the barn +begin to sigh. The oak tree and the dude begin to put on their spring +apparel. All nature is gay. The thrush is warbling in the asparagus +orchard, and the prima donna does her throat up in a red flannel rag to +wait for another season. + +All these things indicate spring, but they are not so certain and +unfailing as the little barefoot boy whose white feet are thrust into the +face of the approaching season. Five months from now those little dimpled +feet, now so bleached and tender, will look like a mudturtle's back and +the superior and leading toe will have a bandage around it, tied with a +piece of thread. + +Who would believe that the budding hoodlum before us, with the yellow +chilblain on his heel and the early spring toad in his pocket, which he +will present to the timid teacher as a testimonial of his regard this +afternoon, may be the Moses who will lead the American people forty years +hence into the glorious sunlight of a promised land. + +He may possibly do it, but he doesn't look like it now. + +Yet John A. Logan and Samuel J. Tilden were once barefooted boys, with a +suspender apiece. It doesn't seem possible, does it? + +How can we imagine at this time Julius Caesar and Hannibal Hamlin and +Lucretia Borgia at some time or other stubbed their bare toes against a +root and filled the horizon with pianissimo wails. The barefoot boy of +spring will also proceed to bathe in the river as soon as the ice and the +policeman are out. He will choose a point on the boulevard, where he can +get a good view of those who pass, and in company with eleven other little +barefoot boys, he will clothe himself in an Adam vest, a pair of bare-skin +pantaloons, a Greek slave overcoat and a yard of sunlight, and gaze +earnestly at those who go by on the other side. Up and down the bank, +pasting each other with mud, the little barefoot boys of spring chase each +other, with their vertebrae sticking into the warm and sleepy air, while +down in the marsh, where the cat-tails and the broad flags and the peach +can and the deceased horse grow, the bull-frog is twittering to his mate. + +[Illustration: A TESTIMONIAL OF REGARD.] + +Later on, the hoarse voice of a rude parental snorter is heard +approaching, and twelve slim Cupids with sunburned backs are inserted into +twelve little cotton shirts and twelve despondent pairs of pantaloons hang +at half-mast to twelve home-made suspenders, and as the gloaming gathers +about the old home, twelve boys back up against the ice-house to cool off, +while the enraged parent hangs up the buggy whip in the old place. + + + + +Favored a Higher Fine. + +Will Taylor, the son of the present American Consul at Marseilles, was a +good deal like other boys while at school in his old home, at Hudson, Wis. +One day he called his father into the library, and said: + +“Pa, I don't like to tell you, but the teacher and I have had trouble.” + +“What's the matter now?” + +“Well, I cut one of the desks a little with my knife, and the teacher says +I've got to pay a dollar or take a lickin'.” + +“Well, why don't you take the licking and say nothing more about it? I can +stand considerable physical pain, so long as it visits our family in that +form. Of course, it is not pleasant to be flogged, but you have broken a +rule of the school, and I guess you'll have to stand it. I presume that +the teacher will in wrath remember mercy, and avoid disabling you so that +you can't get your coat on any more.” + +“But, pa, I feel mighty bad about it already, and if you'd pay my fine I'd +never do it again. I know a good deal more about it now, and I will never +do it again. A dollar ain't much to you, pa, but it's a heap to a boy that +hasn't got a cent. If I could make a dollar as easy as you can, pa, I'd +never let my little boy get flogged that way just to save a dollar. If I +had a little feller that got licked bekuz I didn't put up for him, I'd +hate the sight of money always. I'd feel as if every dollar in my pocket +had been taken out of my little kid's back.” + +“Well, now, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a dollar to save you +from punishment this time, but if anything of this kind ever occurs again +I'll hold you while the teacher licks you, and then I'll get the teacher +to hold you while I lick you. That's the way I feel about that. If you +want to go around whittling up our educational institutions you can do so; +but you will have to purchase them afterward yourself. I don't propose to +buy any more damaged school furniture. You probably grasp my meaning, do +you not? I send you to school to acquire an education, not to acquire +liabilities, so that you can come around and make an assessment on me. I +feel a great interest in you, Willie, but I do not feel as though it +should be an assessable interest. I want to go on, of course, and improve +the property, but when I pay my dues on it I want to know that it goes +toward development work. I don't want my assessments to go toward the +purchase of a school-desk with American hieroglyphics carved on it. + +“I hope that you will bear this in your mind, my son, and beware. It will +be greatly to your interest to beware. If I were in your place I would put +in a large portion of my time in the beware business.” + +The boy took the dollar and went thoughtfully away to school, and no more +was ever said about the matter until Mr. Taylor learned casually several +months later that the Spartan youth had received the walloping and filed +away the dollar for future reference. The boy was afterward heard to say +that he favored a much heavier fine in cases of that kind. One whipping +was sufficient, he said, but he favored a fine of $5. It ought to be +severe enough to make it an object. + + + + +“I Spy.” + +Dear reader, do you remember the boy of your school who did the heavy +falling through the ice and was always about to break his neck, but +managed to live through it all? Do you call to mind the youth who never +allowed anybody else to fall out of a tree and break his collar bone when +he could attend to it himself? Every school has to secure the services of +such a boy before it can succeed, and so our school had one. When I +entered the school I saw at a glance that the board had neglected to +provide itself with a boy whose duty it was to nearly kill himself every +few days in order to keep up the interest so I applied for the position. I +secured it without any trouble whatever. The board understood at once from +my bearing that I would succeed. And I did not betray the trust they had +reposed in me. + +[Illustration: BRINGING IN THE REMAINS.] + +Before the first term was over I had tried to climb two trees at once and +been carried home on a stretcher; been pulled out of the river with my +lungs full of water, and artificial respiration resorted to; been jerked +around over the north half of the county by a fractious horse whose halter +I had tied to my leg, and which leg is now three inches longer than the +other; together with various other little early eccentricities which I +cannot at this moment call to mind. My parents at last got so that along +about 2 o'clock P.M. they would look anxiously out of the window and say, +“Isn't it about time for the boys to get here with William's remains? They +generally get here before 2 o'clock.” + +One day five or six of us were playing “I spy” around our barn. Every body +knows how to play “I spy.” One shuts his eyes and counts 100, for +instance, while the others hide. Then he must find the rest and say “I +spy” so-and-so and touch the “goal” before they do. If anybody beats him +to the goal the victim has to “blind” over again. + +Well, I knew the ground pretty well, and could drop twenty feet out of the +barn window and strike on a pile of straw so as to land near the goal, +touch it, and let the crowd in free without getting found out. I did this +several times and got the blinder, James Bang, pretty mad. After a boy has +counted 500 or 600, and worked hard to gather in the crowd, only to get +jeered and laughed at by the boys, he loses his temper. It was so with +James Cicero Bang. I knew that he almost hated me, and yet I went on. +Finally, in the fifth ballot, I saw a good chance to slide down and let +the crowd in again as I had done on former occasions. I slipped out of the +window and down the side of the barn about two feet, when I was detained +unavoidably. There was a “batten” on the barn that was loose at the upper +end. I think I was wearing my father's vest on that day, as he was away +from home, and I frequently wore his clothes when he was absent. Anyhow +the vest was too large, and when I slid down that loose board ran up +between the vest and my person in such a way as to suspend me about +eighteen feet from the ground, in a prominent but very uncomfortable +position. + +I remember it quite distinctly. James C. Bang came around where he could +see me. He said: “I spy Billy Nye and touch the goal before him.” No one +came to remove the barn. No one came to sympathize with me in my great +sorrow and isolation. Every little while James C. Bang would come around +the corner and say: “Oh, I see ye. You needn't think you're out of sight +up there. I can see you real plain. You better come down and blind. I can +see ye up there!” + +I tried to unbutton my vest and get down there and lick James, but it was +of no use. It was a very trying time. I can remember how I tried to kick +myself loose, but failed. Sometimes I would kick the barn and sometimes I +would kick a large hole in the horizon. Finally I was rescued by a +neighbor who said he didn't want to see a good barn kicked into chaos just +to save a long-legged boy that wasn't worth over six bits. + +It affords me great pleasure to add that while I am looked up to and madly +loved by every one that does not know me, Jas. C. Bang is brevet president +of a fractured bank, taking a lonely bridal tour by himself in Europe and +waiting for the depositors to die of old age. + +The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they most generally get there with +both feet. (Adapted from the French by permission.) + + + + +Mark Anthony. + +Marcus Antonius, commonly called Mark Antony, was a celebrated Roman +general and successful politician, who was born in 83 B.C. His +grandfather, on his mother's side, was L. Julius Caesar, and it is +thought that to Mark's sagacity in his selection of a mother, much of +his subsequent success was due. + +Young Antony was rather gay and festive during his early years, and led a +life that in any city but Rome would have occasioned talk. He got into a +great many youthful scrapes, and nothing seemed to please him better than +to repeatedly bring his father's gray hairs down in sorrow to the grave. +Debauchery was a matter to which he gave much thought, and many a time he +was found consuming the midnight oil while pursuing his studies in this +line. + +At that time Rome was well provided for in the debauchery department, and +Mr. Antony became a thorough student of the entire curriculum. + +About 57 B.C. he obtained command of the cavalry of Gambinino in Syria +and Egypt. He also acted as legate for Caesar in Gaul about 52 B.C., as +nearly as I can recall the year. I do not know exactly what a legate is, +but it had something to do with the Roman ballet, I understand, and +commanded a good salary. + +He was also elected, in 50, B.C., as Argus and Tribune--acting as Tribune +at night and Argus during the day time, I presume, or he may have been +elected Tribune and ex-officio Argus. He was more successful as Tribune +than he was in the Argus business. + +Early in 49, B.C., he fled to Caesar's camp, and the following year was +appointed commander-in-chief. He commanded the left wing of the army at +the battle of Pharsalia, and years afterward used to be passionately fond +of describing it and explaining how he saved the day, and how everybody +else was surprised but him, and how he was awakened by hearing one of the +enemy's troops, across the river, stealthily pulling on his pantaloons. + +Antony married Fulvia, the widow of a successful demagogue named P. +Clodius. This marriage could hardly be regarded as a success. It would +have been better for the widow if she had remained Mrs. P. Clodius, for +Mark Antony was one of those old-fashioned Romans who favored the utmost +latitude among men, but heartily enjoyed seeing an unfaithful woman burned +at the stake. In those days the Roman girl had nothing to do but live a +pure and blameless life, so that she could marry a shattered Roman rake +who had succeeded in shunning a blameless life himself, and at last, when +he was sick of all kinds of depravity and needed a good, careful wife to +take care of him, would come with his dappled, sin-sick soul and shattered +constitution, and his vast acquisitions of debts, and ask to be loved by a +noble young woman. Nothing pleased a _blase_ Roman so well as to have a +young and beautiful girl, with eyes like liquid night, to take the job of +reforming him. I frequently get up in the night to congratulate myself +that I was not born, 2,000 years ago, a Roman girl. + +The historian continues to say, that though Mr. Antony continued to live a +life of licentious lawlessness, that occasioned talk even in Rome, he was +singularly successful in politics. + +He was very successful at funerals, also, and his off-hand obituary works +were sought for far and wide. His impromptu remarks at the grave of +Caesar, as afterward reported by Mr. Shakespeare, from memory, attracted +general notice and made the funeral a highly enjoyable affair. After this +no assassination could be regarded as a success, unless Mark Antony could +be secured to come and deliver his justly celebrated eulogy. + +About 43, B.C., Antony, Octavius and Lepidus formed a co-partnership +under the firm name and style of Antony, Octavius & Co., for the purpose +of doing a general, all-round triumvirate business and dealing in Roman +republican pelts. The firm succeeded in making republicanism extremely +odious, and for years a republican hardly dared to go out after dark to +feed the horse, lest he be jumped on by a myrmidon and assassinated. It +was about this time that Cicero had a misunderstanding with Mark's +myrmidons and went home packed in ice. + +Mark Antony, when the firm of Antony, Octavius & Co. settled up its +affairs, received as his share the Asiatic provinces and Egypt. It was at +this time that he met Cleopatra at an Egyptian sociable and fell in love +with her. Falling in love with fair women and speaking pieces over +new-made graves seemed to be Mark's normal condition. He got into a +quarrel with Octavius and settled it by marrying Octavia, Octavius' +sister, but this was not a love match, for he at once returned to +Cleopatra, the author of Cleopatra's needle and other works. + +This love for Cleopatra was no doubt the cause of his final overthrow, for +he frequently went over to see her when he should have been at home +killing invaders. He ceased to care about slashing around in carnage, and +preferred to turn Cleopatra's music for her while she knocked out the +teeth of her old upright piano and sang to him in a low, passionate, _vox +humana_ tone. + +So, at last, the great cemetery declaimer and long distance assassin, Mark +Antony, was driven out of his vast dominions after a big naval defeat at +Actium, in September, 31 B.C., retreated to Alexandria, called for more +reinforcements and didn't get them. Deserted by his fleet, and reduced to +a hand-me-down suit of clothes and a two-year-old plug hat, he wrote a +poetic wail addressed to Cleopatra and sent it to the Alexandria papers; +then, closing the door and hanging up his pantaloons on a nail so as to +reduce the sag in the knees, he blew out the gas and climbed over the high +board fence which stands forever between the sombre present and the dark +blue, mysterious ultimatum. + + + + +Man Overbored. + +“Speaking about prohibition,” said Misery Brown one day, while we sat lying +on the damp of the _Blue Tail Fly_, “I am prone to allow that the more you +prohibit, the more you--all at once--discover that you have more or less +failed to prohibit. + +“Now, you can win a man over to your way of thinking, sometimes, but you +mustn't do it with the butt-end of a telegraph-pole. You might convert him +that way, perhaps, but the mental shock and phrenological concussion of +the argument might be disastrous to the convert himself. + +“A man once said to me that rum was the devil's drink, that Satan's home +was filled with the odor of hot rum, that perdition was soaked with spiced +rum and rum punch. 'You wot not,' said he, 'the ruin rum has rot. Why, +Misery Brown,' said he, 'rum is my _bete noir_.' I said I didn't care what +he used it for, he'd always find it very warming to the system. I told him +he could use it for a hot _bete noir_, or a _blanc mange_, or any of those +fancy drinks; I didn't care. + +“But the worst time I ever had grappling with the great enemy, I reckon, +was in the later years of the war, when I pretty near squashed the +rebellion. Grim-visaged war had worn me down pretty well. I played the big +tuba in the regimental band, and I began to sigh for peace. + +“We had been on the march all summer, it seemed to me. We'd travel through +dust ankle-deep all day that was just like ashes, and halt in the red-hot +sun five minutes to make coffee. We'd make our coffee in five minutes, and +sometimes we'd make it in the middle of the road; but that's neither here +nor there. + +“We finally found out that we would make a stand in a certain town, and +that the Q.M. had two barrels of old and reliable whisky in store. We +also found out that we couldn't get any for medical purposes nor anything +else All we could do was to suffer on and wait till the war closed. I +didn't feel like postponing the thing myself, so I began to investigate. +The great foe of humanity was stored in a tobacco-house, and the Q.M. +slept three nights between the barrels. The chances for a debauch looked +peaked and slim in the extreme. However, there was a basement below, and I +got in there one night with a half-inch auger, and two wash-tubs. Later on +there was a sound of revelry by night. There was considerable 'on with the +dance, let joy be unconfined.' + +“The next day there was a spongy appearance to the top of the head, which +seemed to be confined to our regiment, as a result of the sudden giving +way, as it were, of prohibitory restrictions. It was a very disagreeable +day, I remember. All nature seemed clothed in gloom, and R.E. Morse, +P.D.Q., seemed to be in charge of the proceedings. Redeyed Regret was +everywhere. + +“We then proceeded to yearn for the other barrel of woe, that we might +pile up some more regret, and have enough misery to last us through the +balance of the campaign. We acted on this suggestion, and, with a firm +resolve and the same half-inch auger, we stole once more into the basement +of the tobacco-house. + +“I bored nineteen consecutive holes in the atmosphere, and then an +intimate friend of mine bored twenty-seven distinct holes in the floor, +only to bore through the bosom of the night. Eleven of us spent the most +of the night boring into the floor, and at three o'clock A.M. it looked +like a hammock, it was so full of holes. The quartermaster slept on +through it all. He slept in a very audible tone of voice, and every now +and then we could hear him slumbering on. + +“At last we decided that he was sleeping middling close to that barrel, so +we began to bore closer to the snore. It was my turn to bore, I remember, +and I took the auger with a heavy heart. I bored through the floor, and +for the first time bored into something besides oxygen. It was the +quartermaster. A wild yell echoed through the southern confederacy, and I +pulled out my auger. It had on the point a strawberry mark, and a fragment +of one of those old-fashioned woven wire gray shirts, such as +quartermasters used to wear. + +“I remember that we then left the tobacco-house. In the hurry we forgot +two wash-tubs, a half-inch auger, and 980,361 new half-inch auger holes +that had never been used.” + + + + +“Done It A-Purpose.” + +At Greeley a young man with a faded cardigan jacket and a look of woe got +on the train, and as the car was a little crowded he sat in the seat with +me. He had that troubled and anxious expression that a rural young man +wears when he first rides on the train. When the engine whistled he would +almost jump out of that cardigan jacket, and then he would look kind of +foolish, like a man who allows his impulses to get the best of him. Most +everyone noticed the young man and his cardigan jacket, for the latter had +arrived at the stage of droopiness and jaded-across-the-shoulders look +that the cheap knit jacket of commerce acquires after awhile, and it had +shrunken behind and stretched out in front so that the horizon, as you +stood behind the young man, seemed to be bound by the tail of this +garment, which started out at the pocket with good intentions and suddenly +decided to rise above the young man's shoulder blades. + +He seemed so diffident and so frightened among strangers, that I began to +talk with him. + +“Do you live at Greeley?” I inquired. + +“No, sir,” he said, in an embarrassed way, as most anyone might in the +presence of greatness. “I live on a ranch up the Pandre. I was just at +Greeley to see the circus.” + +I thought I would play the tenderfoot and inquiring pilgrim from the +cultured East, so I said: “You do not see the circus often in the West, I +presume, the distance is so great between towns and the cost of +transportation is so great?” + +“No, sir. This is the first circus I ever was to. I have never saw a +circus before.” + +“How did you like it?” + +“O, tip-top. It was a good thing. I'd like to see it every day if I could, +I laughed and drank lemonade till I've got my cloze all pinned up with +pins, and I'd as soon tell you, if you wont give it away, that my pants is +tied on me with barbed fence wire.” + +“Probably that's what gives you that anxious and apprehensive look?” + +“Yes, sir. If I look kind of doubtless about something, its because I'm +afraid my pantaloons will fall off on the floor and I will have to borrow +a roller towel to wear home.” + +“How did you like the animals?” + +“I liked that part of the Great Moral Aggregation the best of all. I have +not saw such a sight before. I could stand there and watch that there old +scaly elephant stuff hay into his bosom with his long rubber nose for +hours. I'd read a good deal first and last about the elephant, the king of +beasts, but I had never yet saw one. Yesterday father told me there hadn't +been much joy into my young life, and so he gave me a dollar and told me +to go over to the circus and have a grand time. I tell you, I just turned +myself loose and gave myself up to pleasure.” + +[Illustration: I WAS A POOR CONVERSATIONALIST.] + +“What other animals seemed to please you?” I asked, seeing that he was +getting a little freer to talk. + +“Oh, I saw the blue-nosed baboon from Farther India, and the red-eyed +sandhill crane from Maddygasker, I think it was, and the sacred +Jack-rabbit from Scandihoovia, and the lop-eared layme from South America. +Then there was the female acrobat with her hair tied up with red ribbon. +It's funny about them acrobat wimmen. They get big pay, but they never buy +cloze with their money. Now, the idea of a woman that gets $2 or $3 a day, +for all I know, coming out there before 2,000 total strangers, wearing a +pair of Indian war clubs and a red ribbon in her hair. I tell you, +pardner, them acrobat prima donnars are mighty stingy with their money, or +else they're mighty economical with their cloze.” + +“Did you go into the side show?” + +“No, sir. I studied the oil paintings on the outside, but I didn't go in, +I met a handsome looking man there near the side show, though, that seemed +to take an interest in me. There was a lottery along with the show and he +wanted me to go and throw for him.” + +“Capper, probably?” + +“Perhaps so. Anyhow, he gave me a dollar and told me to go and throw for +him.” + +“Why didn't he throw for himself?” + +“O, he said the lottery man knew him and wouldn't let him throw.” + +“Of course. Same old story. He saw you were a greeney and got you to throw +for him. He stood in with the game so that you drew a big prize for the +capper, created a big excitement, and you and the crowd sailed in and lost +all the money you had. I'll bet he was a man with a velvet coat, and a +moustache dyed a dead black and waxed as sharp as a cambric needle.” + +“Yes; that's his description to a dot. I wonder if he really did do that +a-purpose.” + +“Well, tell us about it. It does me good to hear a blamed fool tell how he +lost his money. Don't you see that your awkward ways and general greenness +struck the capper the first thing, and you not only threw away your own +money, but two or three hundred other wappy-jawed pelicans saw you draw a +big prize and thought it was yours, then they deposited what little they +had and everything was lovely.” + +“Well, I'll tell you how it was, if it'll do any good and save other young +men in the future. You see this capper, as you call him, gave me a $1 bill +to throw for him, and I put it into my vest pocket so, along with the +dollar bill father gave me. I always carry my money in my right hand vest +pocket. Well, I sailed up to the game, big as old Jumbo himself, and put a +dollar into the game. As you say, I drawed a big prize, $20 and a silver +cup. The man offered me $5 for the cup and I took it.” + +“Then it flashed over my mind that I might have got my dollar and the +other feller's mixed, so I says to the proprietor, 'I will now invest a +dollar for a gent who asked me to draw for him.' + +“Thereupon I took out the other dollar, and I'll be eternally chastised if +I didn't draw a brass locket worth about two bits a bushel.” + +I didn't say anything for a long time. Then I asked him how the capper +acted when he got his brass locket. + +“Well, he seemed pained and grieved about something, and he asked me if I +hadn't time to go away into a quiet place where we could talk it over by +ourselves; but he had a kind of a cruel, insincere look in his eye, and I +said no, I believed I didn't care to, and that I was a poor +conversationalist, anyhow; and so I came away, and left him looking at his +brass locket and kicking holes in the ground and using profane language. + +“Afterward I saw him talking to the proprietor of the lottery, and I feel, +somehow, that they had lost confidence in me. I heard them speak of me in +a jeering tone of voice, and one said as I passed by: 'There goes the +meek-eyed rural convict now,' and he used a horrid oath at the same time. + +“If it hadn't been for that one little quincidence, there would have been +nothing to mar the enjoyment of the occasion.” + + + + +Picnic Incidents. + +Camping out in summer for several weeks is a good thing generally. Freedom +from social restraint and suspenders is a great luxury for a time, and +nothing purifies the blood quicker, or makes a side of bacon taste more +like snipe on toast, than the crisp ozone that floats through the hills +and forests where man can monkey o'er the green grass without violating a +city ordinance. + +The picnic is an aggravation. It has just enough of civilization to be a +nuisance, and not enough barbarism to make life seem a luxury. If our aim +be to lean up against a tree all day in a short seersucker coat and ditto +pantaloons that segregated while we were festooning the hammock, the +picnic is the thing. If we desire to go home at night with a jelly +symphony on each knee and a thousand-legged worm in each ear, we may look +upon the picnic as a success. + +But to those who wish to forget the past and live only in the booming +present, to get careless of gain and breathe brand-new air that has never +been used, to appease an irritated liver, or straighten out a torpid lung, +let me say, pick out a high, dry clime, where there are trout enough to +give you an excuse for going there, take what is absolutely necessary and +no more, and then stay there long enough to have some fun. + +If we picnic, we wear ourselves out trying to have a good time, so that we +can tell about it when we get back, but we do not actually get acquainted +with each other before we have to quit and return. + +To camp, is to change the whole programme of life, and to stop long enough +in the never-ending conflict for dollars and distinction, to get a full +breath and look over the field. Still, it is not always smooth sailing. To +camp, is sometimes to show the material of which we are made. The dude at +home is the dude in camp, and wherever he goes he demonstrates that he was +made for naught. I do not know what a camping party would do with a dude +unless they used him to bait a bear trap with, and even then it would be +taking a mean advantage of the bear. The bear certainly has some rights +which we are bound in all decency to respect. + +James Milton Sherrod said he had a peculiar experience once while he was +in camp on the Poudre in Colorado. + +“We went over from Larmy,” said he, “in July, eight years ago--four of us. +There was me and Charcoal Brown, and old Joe and young Joe Connoy. We had +just got comfortably down on the Lower Fork, out of the reach of everybody +and sixty miles from a doctor, when Charcoal Brown got sick. Wa'al we had +a big time of it. You can imagine yourself somethin' about it. Long in the +night Brown began to groan and whoop and holler, and I made a diagnosis of +him. He didn't have much sand anyhow. He was tryin' to git a pension from +the government on the grounds of desertion and failure to provide, and +some such a blame thing or another, so I didn't feel much sympathy fur +him. But when I lit the gas and examined him, I found that he had a large +fever on hand, and there we was without a doggon thing in the house but a +jug of emigrant whiskey and a paper of condition powders fur the mule. I +was a good deal rattled at first to know what the dickens to do fur him. +The whiskey wouldn't do him any good, and, besides, if he was goin' to +have a long spell of sickness we needed it for the watchers. + +[Illustration: MAKING USE OF A DUDE.] + +“Wa'al, it was rough. I'd think of a thousand things that was good fur +fevers, and then I'd remember that we hadn't got 'em. Finally old Joe says +to me, 'James, why don't ye soak his feet?' says he. 'Soak nuthin',' says +I; 'what would ye soak 'em in?' We had a long-handle frying-pan, and we +could heat water in it, of course, but it was too shaller to do any good, +anyhow; so we abandoned that synopsis right off. First I thought I'd try +the condition powders in him, but I hated to go into a case and prescribe +so recklessly. Finally I thought of a case of rheumatiz that I had up in +Bitter Creek years ago, and how the boys filled their socks full of hot +ashes and put 'em all over me till it started the persbyterian all over me +and I got over it. So we begun to skirmish around the tent for socks, and +I hope I may be tee-totally skun if there was a blame sock in the whole +syndicate. Ez fur me, I never wore 'em, but I did think young Joe would be +fixed. He wasn't though. Said he didn't want to be considered proud and +high strung, so he left his socks at home. + +[Illustration: CHARCOAL BROWN'S REPROACHES.] + +“Then we begun to look around and finally decided that Brown would die +pretty soon if we didn't break up the fever, so we concluded to take all +the ashes under the camp-fire, fill up his cloze, which was loose, tie his +sleeves at the wrists, and his pants at the ankles, give him a dash of +condition powders and a little whiskey to take the taste out of his mouth, +and then see what ejosted nature would do. + +“So we stood Brown up agin a tree and poured hot ashes down his back till +he begun to fit his cloze pretty quick, and then we laid him down in the +tent and covered him up with everything we had in our humble cot. +Everything worked well till he begun to perspirate, and then there was +music, and don't you forget it. That kind of soaked the ashes, don't you +see, and made a lye that would take the peelin' off a telegraph pole. + +“Charcoal Brown jest simply riz up and uttered a shrill whoop that jarred +the geology of Colorado, and made my blood run cold. The goose flesh riz +on old Joe Connoy till you could hang your hat on him anywhere. It was +awful. + +“Brown stood up on his feet, and threw things, and cussed us till we felt +ashamed of ourselves. I've seen sickness a good deal in my time, but--I +give it to you straight--I never seen an invalid stand up in the +loneliness of the night, far from home and friends, with the concentrated +lye oozin' out of the cracks of his boots, and reproach people the way +Charcoal Brown did us. + +“He got over it, of course, before Christmas, but he was a different man +after that. I've been out campin' with him a good many times sence, but he +never complained of feelin' indisposed. He seemed to be timid about +tellin' us even if he was under the weather, and old Joe Connoy said mebbe +Brown was afraid we would prescribe fur him or sumthin'.” + + + + +Nero. + +Nero, who was a Roman Emperor from 54 to 68 A.D., was said to have been +one of the most disagreeable monarchs to meet that Rome ever had. He was a +nephew of Culigula, the Emperor, on his mother's side, and a son of +Dominitius Ahenobarbust, of St. Lawrence county. The above was really +Nero's name, but in the year 50, A.D., his mother married Claudius and +her son adopted the name of Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus. This +name he was in the habit of wearing during the cold weather, buttoned up +in front. During the hot weather, Nero was all the name he wore. In 53, +Nero married Octavia, daughter of Claudius, and went right to +housekeeping. Nero and Octavia did not get along first-rate. Nero soon +wearied of his young wife and finally transferred her to the New +Jerusalem. + +In 54, Nero's mother, by concealing the rightful heir to the throne for +several weeks and doctoring the returns, succeeded in getting the steady +job of Emperor for Nero at a good salary. + +His reign was quite stormy and several long, bloody wars were carried on +during that period. He was a good vicarious fighter and could successfully +hold a man's coat all day, while the man went to the front to get killed. +He loved to go out riding over the battle fields, as soon as it was safe, +in his gorgeously bedizened band chariot and he didn't care if the wheels +rolled in gore up to the hub, providing it was some other man's gore. It +gave him great pleasure to drive about over the field of carnage and gloat +over the dead. Nero was not a great success as an Emperor, but as a +gloater he has no rival in history. + +Nero's reign was characterized, also, by the great conflagration and Roman +fireworks of July, 64, by which two-thirds of the city of Rome was +destroyed. The emperor was charged with starting this fire in order to get +the insurance on a stock of dry goods on Main street. + +Instead of taking off his crown, hanging it up in the hall and helping to +put out the fire, as other Emperors have done time and again, Nero took +his violin up stairs and played, “I'll Meet You When the Sun Goes Down.” + This occasioned a great deal of adverse criticism on the part of those who +opposed the administration. Several persons openly criticised Nero's +policy and then died. + +A man in those days, would put on his overcoat in the morning and tell his +wife not to keep dinner waiting. “I am going down town to criticise the +Emperor a few moments,” he would say. “If I do not get home in time for +dinner, meet me on the 'evergreen shore.'” + +Nero, after the death of Octavia, married Poppaea Sabina. She died +afterward at her husband's earnest solicitation. Nero did not care so much +about being a bridegroom, but the excitement of being a widower always +gratified and pleased him. + +He was a very zealous monarch and kept Rome pretty well stirred up during +his reign. If a man failed to show up anywhere on time, his friends would +look sadly at each other and say, “Alas, he has criticised Nero.” + +A man could wrestle with the yellow fever, or the small-pox, or the +Asiatic cholera and stand a chance for recovery, but when he spoke +sarcastically of Nero, it was good-bye John. + +When Nero decided that a man was an offensive partisan, that man would +generally put up the following notice on his office door: + +“Gone to see the Emperor in relation to charge of offensive partisanship. +Meet me at the cemetery at 2 o'clock.” + +Finally, Nero overdid this thing and ran it into the ground. He did not +want to be disliked and so, those who disliked him were killed. This made +people timid and muzzled the press a good deal. + +The Roman papers in those days were all on one side. They did not dare to +be fearless and outspoken, for fear that Nero would take out his ad. So +they would confine themselves to the statement that: “The genial and +urbane Afranius Burrhus had painted his new and _recherche_ picket fence +last week,” or “Our enterprising fellow townsman, Caesar Kersikes, will +remove the tail of his favorite bulldog next week, if the weather should +be auspicious,” or “Miss Agrippina Bangoline, eldest daughter of Romulus +Bangoline, the great Roman rinkist, will teach the school at Eupatorium, +Trifoliatum Holler, this summer. She is a highly accomplished young lady, +and a good speller.” + +Nero got more and more fatal as he grew older, and finally the Romans +began to wonder whether he would not wipe out the Empire before he died. +His back yard was full all the time of people who had dropped in to be +killed, so that they could have it off their minds. + +Finally, Nero himself yielded to the great strain that had been placed +upon him and, in the midst of an insurrection in Gaul, Spain and Rome +itself, he fled and killed himself. + +The Romans were very grateful for Nero's great crowning act in the killing +line, but they were dissatisfied because he delayed it so long, and +therefore they refused to erect a tall monument over his remains. While +they admired the royal suicide and regarded it as a success, they censured +Nero's negligence and poor judgment in suiciding at the wrong end of his +reign. + +I have often wondered what Nero would have done if he had been Emperor of +the United States for a few weeks and felt as sensitive to newspaper +criticism as he seems to have been. Wouldn't it be a picnic to see Nero +cross the Jersey ferry to kill off a few journalists who had adversely +criticised his course? The great violin virtuoso and light weight Roman +tyrant would probably go home by return mail, wrapped in tinfoil, +accompanied by a note of regret from each journalist in New York, closing +with the remark, that “in the midst of life we are in death, therefore now +is the time to subscribe.” + + + + +Squaw Jim. + +“Jim, you long-haired, backslidden Caucasian nomad, why don't you say +something? Brace up and tell us your experience. Were you kidnapped when +you were a kid and run off into the wild wickyup of the forest, or how was +it that you came to leave the Yankee reservation and eat the raw dog of +the Sioux?” + +We were all sitting around the roaring fat-pine fire at the foot of the +canon, and above us the full moon was filling the bottom of the black +notch in the mountains, where God began to engrave the gulch that grew +wider and deeper till it reached the valley where we were. + +Squaw Jim was tall, silent and grave. He was as dignified as the king of +clubs, and as reticent as the private cemetery of a deaf and dumb asylum. +He didn't move when Dutch Joe spoke to him, but he noticed the remark, and +after awhile got up in the firelight, and later on the silent savage made +the longest speech of his life. + +[Illustration: “BOYS, YOU CALL ME SQUAW JIM.”] + +“Boys, you call me Squaw Jim, and you call my girl a half breed. I have no +other name than Squaw Jim with the pale faced dude and the dyspeptic sky +pilot who tells me of his God. You call me Squaw Jim because I've married +a squaw and insist on living with her. If I had married +Mist-of-the-Waterfall, and had lived in my tepee with her summers, and +wintered at St. Louis with a wife who belonged to a tall peaked church, +and who wore her war paint, and her false scalp-lock, and her false heart +into God's wigwam, I'd be all right, probably. They would have laughed +about it a little among the boys, but it would have been “wayno” in the +big stone lodges at the white man's city. + +“I loved a pale faced girl in Connecticut forty years ago. She said she +did me, but she met with a change of heart and married a bare-back rider +in a circus. Then she ran away with the sword swallower of the side show, +and finally broke her neck trying to walk the tight rope. The jury said if +the rope had been as tight as she was it might have saved her life. + +“Since then I've been where the sun and the air and the soil were free. It +kind of soothed me to wear moccasins and throw my biled shirt into the +Missouri. It took the fever of jealousy and disappointment out of my soul +to sleep in the great bosom of the unhoused night. Soon I learned how to +parley-vous in the Indian language, and to wear the clothes of the red +man. I married the squaw girl who saved me from the mountain fever and my +foes. She did not yearn for the equestrian of the white man's circus. She +didn't know how to raise XxYxZ to the nth power, but she was a wife worthy +of the President of the United States. She was way off the trail in +matters of etiquette, but she didn't know what it was to envy and hate the +pale faced squaw with the sealskin sacque and the torpid liver, and the +high-priced throne of grace. She never sighed to go where they are filling +up Connecticut's celestial exhibit with girls who get mysteriously +murdered and the young men who did it go out lecturing. You see I keep +posted. + +“Boys, you kind of pity me, I reckon, and say Squaw Jim might have been in +Congress if he'd stayed with his people and wore night shirts and pared +his claws, but you needn't. + +“My wife can't knock the tar out of a symphony on the piano, but she can +mop the dew off the grass with a burglar, and knock out a dude's eyes at +sixty yards rise. + +“My wife is a little foggy on the winter style of salvation, and probably +you'd stall her on how to drape a silk velvet overskirt so it wouldn't +hang one-sided, but she has a crude idea of an every day, all wool General +Superintendent of the Universe and Father of all-Humanity, whether they +live under a horse blanket tepee or a Gothic mortgage. She might look out +of place before the cross, with her chilblains and her childlike +confidence, among the Tom cat sealskin sacques of your camel's hair +Christianity, but if the world was supplied with Christians like my wife, +purgatory would make an assignment, and the Salvation Army would go home +and hoe corn. Sabe?” + + + + +Squaw Jim's Religion. + +Referring to religious matters, the other day, Squaw Jim said: “I was up +at the Post yesterday to kind of rub up against royalty, and refresh my +memory with a few papers. I ain't a regular subscriber to any paper, for I +can't always get my mail on time. We're liable to be here, there and +everywhere, mebbe at some celebrated Sioux watering place and mebbe on the +warpath, so I can't rely on the mails much, but I manage, generally, to +get hold of a few old papers and magazines now and then. I don't always +know who's president before breakfast the day after election, but I manage +to skirmish around and find out before his term expires. + +“Now, speaking about the religion of the day, or, rather, the place where +it used to be, it seems to me as if there's a mistake somewhere. It looks +as if religion meant greenness, and infidelity meant science and +smartness, according to the papers. I'm no scientist myself. I don't know +evolution from the side of a house. As an evolver I couldn't earn my +board, probably, and I wouldn't know a protoplasm from a side of sole +leather; but I know when I get to the end of my picket rope, and I know +just as sure where the knowable quits and the unknowable begins as +anybody. I mean I can crawl into a prairie dog hole, and pull the hole in +and put it in my pocket, in my poor, weak way, just as well as a scientist +can. If a man offered to trade me a spavined megatherium for a foundered +hypothesis, I couldn't know enough about either of the blamed brutes to +trade and make a profit. I never run around after delightful worms and +eccentric caterpillers. I have so far controlled myself and escaped the +habit, but I am able to arrive at certain conclusions. You think that +because I am the brother-in-law to an Indian outbreak, I don't care +whether Zion languishes or not; but you are erroneous. You make a very +common mistake. + +“Mind you, I don't pretend to be up on the plan of salvation, and so far +as vicarious atonement goes, I don't even know who is the author of it, +but I've got a kind of hand-made religion that suits me. It's cheap, and +portable, and durable, and stands our severe northern climate first rate. +It ain't the protuberant kind. It don't protrude into other people's way +like a sore thumb. All-wool religion don't go around with a chip on it's +shoulder looking for a personal deal. + +“If I had time and could move my library around with me during our summer +tour, I might monkey with speculative science and expose the plan of +creation, but as it is now, I really haven't time. + +[Illustration: MOVING HIS LIBRARY.] + +“I say this, however, friends, Romans and backsliders: I think sometimes +when my little half-breed girl comes to me in the evening in her night +dress, and kneels by me with her little brown face in between my knees, +and with my hard hands in her unbraided hair, that she's got something +better than speculative science when she says: + + 'Now I lay me down to sleep. + I pray the Lord my soul to keep; + If I should die before I wake, + I pray the Lord my soul to take: + This I ask for Jesus' sake;' + +“and I know that a million more little angels are saying that same thing, +at that same hour, to the same imaginary God, I say to myself, if that is +a vain, empty infatuation, blessed be that holy infatuation. + +“If that's a wild and crazy delusion, let me be always deluded. If forty +millions of chubby little angels bow their dimpled knees every evening to +a false and foolish tradition, let me do so, too. If I die, then I will be +in good company, even if I go no farther than the clouds of the valley.” + + + + +One Kind of Fool. + +A young man, with a plated watch-chain that would do to tie up a sacred +elephant, came into Denver the other day from the East, on the Julesburg +Short line, and told the hotel clerk that he had just returned from +Europe, and was on his way across the continent with the intention of +publishing a book of international information. He handed an oilcloth grip +across the counter, registered in a bold, bad way and with a flourish that +scattered the ink all over the clerk's white shirt front. + +He was assigned to a quiet room on the fifth floor, that had been damaged +by water a few weeks before by the fire department. After an hour or two +spent in riding up and down the elevator and ringing for things that +didn't cost anything, he oiled his hair and strolled into the dining-room +with a severe air and sat down opposite a big cattle man, who never oiled +his hair or stuck his nose into other people's business. + +The European traveler entered into conversation with the cattle man. He +told him all about Paris and the continent, meanwhile polishing his hands +on the tablecloth and eating everything within reach. While he ate another +man's dessert, he chatted on gaily about Cologne and pitied the cattle man +who had to stay out on the bleak plains and watch the cows, while others +paddled around Venice and acquired information in a foreign land. + +At first the cattle man showed some interest in Europe, but after awhile +he grew quiet and didn't seem to enjoy it. Later on the European tourist, +with soiled cuffs and auburn mane, ordered the waiters around in a +majestic way, to impress people with his greatness, tipped over the +vinegar cruet into the salt and ate a slice of boiled egg out of another +man's salad. + +Casually a tall Kansas man strolled in and asked the European tourist what +he was doing in Denver. The cattle man, who, by the way, has been abroad +five or six times and is as much at home in Paris as he is in Omaha, +investigated the matter, and learned that the fresh French tourist had +been herding hens on a chicken ranch in Kansas for six years, and had +never seen blue water. He then took a few personal friends to the +dining-room door, and they watched the alleged traveler. He had just taken +a long, refreshing drink from the finger bowl of his neighbor on the left +and was at that moment, trying to scoop up a lump of sugar with the wrong +end of the tongs. + +There are a good many fools who drift around through the world and dodge +the authorities, but the most disastrous ass that I know is the man who +goes West with two dollars and forty cents in his pocket, without brains +enough to soil the most delicate cambric handkerchief, and tries to play +himself for a savant with so much knowledge that he has to shed +information all the time to keep his abnormal knowledge from hurting him. + + + + +John Adams' Diary. + +December 3, 1764.--I am determined to keep a diary, if possible, the rest +of my life. I fully realize how difficult it will be to do so. Many others +of my acquaintance have endeavored to maintain a diary, but have only +advanced so far as the second week in January. It is my purpose to write +down each evening the events of the day as they occur to my mind, in order +that in a few years they may be read and enjoyed by my family. I shall try +to deal truthfully with all matters that I may refer to in these pages, +whether they be of national or personal interest, and I shall seek to +avoid anything bitter or vituperative, trying rather to cool my temper +before I shall submit my thoughts to paper. + +[Illustration: “WHERE'S THE PIE?”] + +December 4.--This morning we have had trouble with the hired girl. It +occurred in this wise: We had fully two-thirds of a pumpkin pie that had +been baked in a square tin. This major portion of the pie was left over +from our dinner yesterday, and last night, before retiring to rest, I +desired my wife to suggest something in the cold pie line, which she did. +I lit a candle and explored the pantry in vain. The pie was no longer +visible. I told Mrs. Adams that I had not been successful, whereupon we +sought out the hired girl, whose name is Tootie Tooterson, a foreign +damsel, who landed in this country Nov. 7, this present year. She does not +understand our language, apparently, especially when we refer to pie. The +only thing she does without a strong foreign accent is to eat pumpkin pie +and draw her salary. She landed on our coast six weeks ago, after a +tedious voyage across the heaving billows. It was a close fight between +Tootie and the ocean, but when they quit, the heaving billows were one +heave ahead by the log. + +Miss Tooterson landed in Massachusetts in a woolen dress and hollow clear +down into the ground. A strong desire to acquire knowledge and cold, +hand-made American pie seems to pervade her entire being. + +She has only allowed Mrs. Adams and myself to eat what she did not want +herself. + +Miss Tooterson has also introduced into my household various European +eccentricities and strokes of economy which deserve a brief notice here. +Among other things she has made pie crust with castor oil in it, and +lubricated the pancake griddle with a pork rind that I had used on my lame +neck. She is thrifty and saving in this way, but rashly extravagant in the +use of doughnuts, pie and Medford rum, which we keep in the house for +visitors who are so unfortunate as to be addicted to the doughnut, pie or +rum habit. + +It is discouraging, indeed, for two young people like Mrs. Adams and +myself, who have just begun to keep house, to inherit a famine, and such a +robust famine, too. It is true that I should not have set my heart upon +such a transitory and evanescent terrestrial object like a pumpkin pie so +near to T. Tooterson, imported pie soloist, doughnut mastro and feminine +virtuoso, but I did, and so I returned from the pantry desolate. + +[Illustration: A PIE SOLOIST.] + +I told Abigail that unless we poisoned a few pies for Tootie the Adams +family would be a short-lived race. I could see with my prophetic eye that +unless the Tootersons yielded the Adamses would be wiped out. Abigail +would not consent to this, but decided to relieve Miss Tooterson from duty +in this department, so this morning she went away. Not being at all +familiar with the English language, she took four of Abigail's sheets and +quite a number of towels, handkerchiefs and collars. She also erroneously +took a pair of my night-shirts in her poor, broken way. Being entirely +ignorant of American customs, I presume that she will put a belt around +them and wear them externally to church. I trust that she will not do +this, however, without mature deliberation. + +[Illustration: IGNORANT OF AMERICAN CUSTOMS.] + +I also had a bottle of lung medicine of a very powerful nature which the +doctor had prepared for me. By some oversight, Miss Tooterson drank this +the first day that she was in our service. This was entirely wrong, as I +did not intend to use it for the foreign trade, but mostly for home +consumption. + +This is a little piece of drollery that I thought of myself. I do not +think that a joke impairs the usefulness of a diary, as some do. A diary +with a joke in it is just as good to fork over to posterity as one that is +not thus disfigured. In fact, what has posterity ever done for me that I +should hesitate about socking a little humor into a diary? When has +posterity ever gone out of its way to do me a favor? Never! I defy the +historian to show a single instance where posterity has ever been the +first to recognize and remunerate ability. + + + + +John Adams' Diary. +(No. 2.) + +December 6.--It is with great difficulty that I write this entry in my +diary, for this morning Abigail thought best for me to carry the oleander +down into the cellar, as the nights have been growing colder of late. + +I do not know which I dislike most, foreign usurpation or the oleander. I +have carried that plant up and down stairs every time the weather has +changed, and the fickle elements of New England have kept me rising and +falling with the thermometer, and whenever I raised or fell I most always +had that scrawny oleander in my arms. + +Richly has it repaid us, however, with its long, green, limber branches +and its little yellow nubs on the end. How full of promises to the eye +that are broken to the heart. The oleander is always just about to meet +its engagements, but later on it peters out and fails to materialize. + +I do not know what we would do if it were not for our house plants. Every +fall I shall carry them cheerfully down cellar, and in the spring I will +bring up the pots for Mrs. Adams to weep softly into. Many a night at the +special instance and request of my wife I have risen, clothed in one +simple, clinging garment, to go and see if the speckled, double and +twisted Rise-up-William-Riley geranium was feeling all right. + +Last summer Abigail brought home a slip of English ivy. I do not like +things that are English very much, but I tolerated this little sickly +thing because it seemed to please Abigail. I asked her what were the +salient features of the English ivy. What did the English ivy do? What +might be its specialty? Mrs. Adams said that it made a specialty of +climbing. It was a climber from away back. “All right,” I then to her did +straightway say, “let her climb.” It was a good early climber. It climbed +higher than Jack's beanstalk. It climbed the golden stair. Most of our +plants are actively engaged in descending the cellar stairs or in +ascending the golden stair most all the time. + +I descended the stairs with the oleander this morning, though the oleander +got there a little more previously than I did. Parties desiring a good, +secondhand oleander tub, with castors on it, will do well to give us a +call before going elsewhere. Purchasers desiring a good set of second-hand +ear muffs for tulips will find something to their advantage by addressing +the subscriber. + +We also have two very highly ornamental green dogoods for ivy vines to +ramble over. We could be induced to sell these dogoods at a sacrifice, in +order to make room for our large stock of new and attractive dogoods. +These articles are as good as ever. We bought them during the panic last +fall for our vines to climb over, but, as our vines died of membranous +croup in November, these dogoods still remain unclum. Second-hand dirt +always on hand. Ornamental geranium stumps at bed-rock prices. Highest +cash prices paid for slips of black-and-tan foliage plants. We are +headquarters for the century plant that draws a salary for ninety-nine +years and then dies. + +I do not feel much like writing in my diary to-day, but the physician says +that my arm will be better in a day or two, so that it will be more of a +pleasure to do business. + +We are still without a servant girl, so I do some of the cooking. I make a +fire each day and boil the teakettle. People who have tried my boiled +teakettle say it is very fine. + +Some of my friends have asked me to run for the Legislature here next +election. Somehow I feel that I might, in public life, rise to distinction +some day, and perhaps at some future time figure prominently in the +affairs of a one-horse republic at a good salary. + +I have never done anything in the statesman line, but it does not look +difficult to me. It occurs to me that success in public life is the result +of a union of several great primary elements, to-wit: + +Firstly--Ability to whoop in a felicitous manner. + +Secondly--Promptness in improving the proper moment in which to whoop. + +Thirdly--Ready and correct decision in the matter of which side to whoop +on. + +Fourthly--Ability to cork up the whoop at the proper moment and keep it in +a cool place till needed. + +And this last is one of the most important of all. It is the amateur +statesman who talks the most. Fearing that he will conceal his identity as +a fool, he babbles in conversation and slashes around in his shallow banks +in public. + +As soon as I get the house plants down cellar and get their overshoes on +for the winter, I will more seriously consider the question of our +political affairs here in this new land where we have to tie our scalps on +at night and where every summer is an Indian summer. + + + + +John Adams' Diary +(No. 3.) + +December 10.--I have put in a long and exhausting day in the court to-day +in the case of Merkins vs. Merkins, a suit for divorce in which I am the +counsel for the plaintiff, Eliza J. Merkins. + +The case itself is a peculiarly trying one, and the plaintiff adds to its +horrors by consulting me when I want to do something else. I took her case +at an agreed price, and so Mrs. Merkins is trying to get her money's worth +by consulting me in a way I abhor. She has consulted me in every mood and +tense that I know of; at my office, on the street, in church, at the +festive board and at different funerals to which we both happened to be +called. Mrs. Merkins has hung like a pall over several Massachusetts +funerals which otherwise had every symptom of success. + +I am a great admirer of woman as a woman, but as a client in a suit for +divorce she has her peculiarities. I have seen Eliza in every phase of the +case. She has been calm and tearful, stormy and snorting, low-spirited and +red-nosed, violent and menacing, resigned but sobby, trustful and +confidential, high strung and haughty, crushed and weepy. + +She makes a specialty of shedding the red-hot scalding tear wherever she +can obtain permission to do so. She has wept in my wood-box, in my new +spittoon, on my desk and on my birthday. I told her that I wished she +would please weep on something else. There were enough objects in nature +upon which a poor woman who wept constantly and had no other visible means +of support could shed the wild torrents of her grief, without weeping on +my anniversary. A man wants to keep his birthday as dry as possible. He +hates to have it wept on by a client who has jewed him down to half price, +and then insisted on coming in to sob with him in the morning before he +has swept the office floor. + +One time she came and sobbed on my shoulder. Her tears are of the warm, +damp kind, and feel disagreeable as they roll down the neck of a +comparative stranger, who never can be aught but a friend. She rested her +bonnet on my bosom while she wept, and I then discovered that she has been +in the habit of wearing this bonnet while cooking her buckwheat pancakes. +I presume she keeps her bonnet on all the time, so that she may be ready +to dash out and consult me at all times without delay. Still, she ought +not to do it, for when she leans her head on the bosom of her counsel in +order to consult him, he detects the odor of the early sausage and the +fleeting pancake. + + You may bust such a bonnet and crush it if you will, + But the scent of the pancake will cling round it still. + +As soon as I saw that her object was to lean up against me and not only +convulse herself with sobs, but that she intended to jar me also with her +great woe, I told her that I would have to request her to avaunt. I then, +as she did not act upon my suggestion, avaunted her myself. I avaunted her +into a chair with a sickening thud. + +[Illustration: A TENDER CASE.] + +She then burst forth in a torrent of vituperation. When the abnormal +sobber is suddenly corked up, these sobs rankle in the system and burst +forth in the shape of vituperation. In the course of her remarks, she +stated in a violent manner that she would denounce me throughout the +country and retain other counsel. I told her I wished she would, as my +sympathies were with Mr. Merkins. I told her that she must either pay me a +larger fee or I should insist on her weeping in the alley before she came +up. + +She then took her departure with a rising inflection. On the following +day, however, I found her at the office door, and she stood near and +consulted me again, while I took up the ashes and started a fire in the +stove. + +Her case is quite peculiar. + +She wants a divorce from her husband on the grounds of cruelty to animals, +or something of that kind, and when she first told me about it I thought +she had a case, but when we came to trial I found that she had had every +reason to believe that if she could be segregated from Mr. Merkins she +could at once become the bride of a gentleman who ploughed the raging +main. + +Just as we went to the jury to-day with the case, she heard casually that +the gentleman who had been in the main-ploughing business had just married +without her knowledge or consent. + + + + +“Heap Brain.” + +Much trouble has been done by a long haired phrenologist in the West who +has, during his life, felt of over a hundred thousand heads. A comparison +of a large number of charts given in these cases shows that so far no head +examined would indicate anything less than a member of the lower house of +congress. Artists, orators, prima-donnas and statesmen are plenty, but +there are no charts showing the natural-born farmer, carpenter, shoemaker +or chambermaid. + +That is the reason butter is so high west of the Missouri river to-day, +while genius actually runs riot. + +What this day and age of the world needs, is a phrenologist who will paw +around among the intellectual domes of free-born American citizens, and +search out a few men who can milk a cow in a cool and unimpassioned tone +of voice. + +It is true that every man in America is a sovereign, but he had better not +overdo it. The man who sits up nights to be a sovereign and allows the +calves to eat his brown-eyed beans, is not leading his fellow men up to a +higher and nobler life. The sovereign business can be run in the ground if +we are not careful. + +[Illustration: A FUTURE PRESIDENT.] + +Very likely the white-eyed boy with the hickory dado along the base of his +overalls is the boy who in future years is to be the president of the +United States. But do not, oh, do not trow, fair young reader, that every +Albino youth in our broad land who wears an isosceles triangle in navy +blue flannel athwart his system, is going to be the chief magistrate of +this mighty republic. + +We need statesmen and orators and artists very much; but the world at this +moment also needs several athletic parties with the horse-sense adequate +to produce flour and other vegetables necessary to feed the aforesaid +statesmen, orators, etc., etc. + +Let me say a word to the bright-eyed youth of America, Let me murmur in +your ear this never dying truth: When a long-haired crank asks you a +dollar to tell you, you are a young Demosthenes, stand up and look +yourself over at a distance before you swallow it all. + +There is no use talking, we have got to procure provisions in some manner, +and in order to do so the natural-born bone and muscle of the country must +go at and promote the growth of such things, or else we artists, poets and +statesmen, will have to take off our standing collars and do it ourselves. + +Phrenology is a good thing, no doubt, if we can purify it. So long as it +does not become the slave of capital, there is nothing about phrenology +that is going to do harm; but when it becomes the creature of the trade +dollar, it looks as though the country would be filled up with wild-eyed +genius that hasn't had a square meal for two weeks. The time will surely +come when America will demand less statesmanship and more flour; when less +statistics and a purer, nobler and more progressive style of beefsteak +will demand our attention. + +I had hoped that phrenology would step in and start this reform; but so +far it has not, within the range of my observation. It may be, however, +that the mental giant bump translator with whom I came in contact was not +a fair representative. Still, he has been in the business for over thirty +years, and some of our most polished criminals have passed under his +hands. + +An erroneous phrenologist once told me that I would shine as a revivalist, +and said that I ought to marry a tall blonde with a nervous, sanguinary +temperament. Then he said, “One dollar, please,” and I said, “All right, +gentle scientist with the tawny mane, I will give you the dollar and marry +the tall blonde with the bank account and bilious temperament, when you +give me a chart showing me how to dispose of a brown-eyed brunette with a +thoughtful cast of countenance, who married me in an unguarded moment two +years ago.” + +He looked at me in a reproachful kind of way, struck at me with a chair in +an absent-minded manner and stole away. + + + + +The Approaching Humorist. + +The following letter has been received, and, as it encloses no unsmirched +postage stamp to insure a private reply, I take great pleasure in +answering it in these pages: + +Christiana, Kas., Sept. 22nd, 1884 + +Dear Sir.--I am studying for a Humorist. Could you help me to some of the +Joliest Books that are written? With some of the best Jokes of the Day &c +&c &c. + +Also what it would be best for me to do for to become an Humorist. + +I am said to be a Natural Born Humorist by my friends and all I need is +Cultivation to make my mark. + +Please reply by return mail. + +Kindly Yours + +Herman A.H. + +For some time I have been grieving over the dearth of humor in America, +and wondering who the great coming humorist was to be. Several papers have +already deplored the lack of humor in our land, but they have not been +able to put their finger on the approaching humorist of the age. Just as +we had begun to despair, however, here he comes, quietly and +unostentatiously, modestly and ungrammatically. Unheralded and silently, +like Maud S. or any other eminent man, he slowly rises above the Kansas +horizon, and tells us that it will be impossible to conceal his identity +any longer. He is the approaching humorist of the nineteenth century. + +It is a serious matter, Herman, to prescribe a course of study that will +be exactly what you need to bring you out. Perhaps you might do well to +take a Kindergarten course in spelling and the rudiments of grammar; +still, that is not absolutely necessary. A friend of mine named Billings +has done well as a humorist, though his knowledge of spelling seems to be +pitiably deficient. Grammar is convenient where a humorist desires to put +on style or show off before crowned heads, but it is not absolutely +indispensable. + +Regarding the “Joliest Books” necessary for your perusal, in order to +chisel your name on the eternal tablets of fame, tastes will certainly +differ. I am almost sorry that you wrote to me, because we might not +agree. You write like one of these “Joly” humorists such as people employ +to go along with a picnic and be the life of the party, and whose presence +throughout the country has been so depressing. If one may be allowed to +judge of your genius by the few autograph lines forwarded, you belong to +that class of brain-workers upon whom devolves the solemn duty of pounding +sand. If you are really a brain-worker, will you kindly inform the writer +whose brain you are working now, and how you like it as far as you have +gone? + +American humor has burst forth from all kinds of places, nearly. The +various professions have done their share. One has risen from a tramp +until he is wealthy and dyspeptic, and another was blown up on a steamboat +before he knew that he was a humorist. + +Suppose you try that, Herman. M. Quad, one of the very successful +humorists of the day, both in a literary and financial way, was blown up +by a steamboat before he bloomed forth into the full flush and power of +success. Try that, Herman. It is a severe test, but it is bound to be a +success. Even if it should be disastrous to you, it will be rich in its +beneficial results to those who escape. + +[Illustration] + + + + +What We Eat. + +On 3d street, St. Paul, there stands a restaurant that has outside as a +sign, under a glass case, a rib roast, a slice of ham and a roast duck +that I remembered distinctly having seen there in 1860 and before the war. +I asked an epicure the other day if he thought it right to keep those +things there year after year when so many were starving throughout the +length and breadth of the land. He then straightway did take me up close +so that I could see that the food was made of plaster and painted, as +hereinbefore set forth and by me translated, as Walt Whitman would say. + +A day or two afterward, at a rural hotel, I struck some of that same roast +beef and ham. I thought that the sign had been put on the table by +mistake, and I made bold to tell the proprietor about it, on the ground +that “any neglect or impertinence on the part of servants should be +reported at the office.” He received the information with great rudeness +and a most disagreeable air. + +There are two kinds of guests who live at the average hotel. One is the +party who gets up and walks over the whole _corps de hote_, from the +bald-headed proprietor to the bootblack, while the other is the meek and +mild-eyed man, doomed to sit at the table and bewail the flight of time +and the horrors of starvation while waiting for the relief party to come +with his food. + +I belong to the latter class. Born, as I was, in a private family, and +early acquiring the habit of eating food that was intended to assuage +hunger mostly, it takes me a good while to accustom myself to the style of +dyspeptic microbe used simply to ornament a bill of fare. Of course it is +maintained by some hotel men that food solely for eating purposes is +becoming obsolete and _outre_, and that the stuff they put on their bills +of fare is just as good to pour down the back of a guest as diet that is +cooked for the common, low, perverted taste of people who have no higher +aspiration than to eat their food. + +Of course the genial, urbane and talented reader will see at once the +style of hotel I am referring to. It is the hotel that apes the good hotel +and prints a bill of fare solely as a literary effort. That is the hotel +where you find the moth-eaten towel and the bed-ridden coffee. There is +where you get butter that runs the elevator day times and sleeps on the +flannel cakes at night. + +It is there that you meet the weary and way-worn steak that bears the +toothprints of other guests who are now in a land where the early-rising +chambermaid cannot enter. + +I also refer to the hotel where the bellboy is simply an animated polisher +of banisters, and otherwise extremely useless. It is likewise the house +where the syrup tastes like tincture of rhubarb, and the pancakes taste +like a hektograph. + +The traveling man will call to mind the hotel to which I refer, and he +will instantly name it and tell you that he has never spent the Sabbath +there. + +I honestly believe that some hotel men lose money and custom by trying to +issue a large blanket-sheet bill of fare every day, when a more modest +list containing two or three things that a human being could eat with +impunity would be far more acceptable, healthy and remunerative. + +Some people can live on cracked wheat, bran and skimmed milk, no matter +where they go, and so they always seem to be perfectly happy; but, while +simplicity is my watchword, and while I am Old Simplicity himself, as it +were, I haven't been constructed with stomachs enough to successfully +wrestle with these things. I like a few plain dishes with victuals on +them, cooked by a person who has had some experience in that line before. +I am not so especially tied to high prices and finger-bowls, for I have +risen from the common people, and during the first eighteen years of my +life I had to dress myself. I was not always the pampered child of +enervating luxury that I now am, by any means. So I can subsist for weeks +on good, plain food, and never murmur or repine; but where the mistake at +some hotels seems to have been made, is in trying to issue a bill of fare +every day that will attract the attention of literary minds and excite the +curiosity of linguists instead of people who desire to assuage an internal +craving for grub. + +I use the term grub in its broadest and most comprehensive sense. + +So, if I may take the liberty to do so, let me exhort the landlord who is +gradually accumulating indebtedness and remorse, to use a plainer, less +elaborate, but more edible list of refreshments. Otherwise his guests will +all die young. + +Let him discard the seamless waffle and the kiln-dried hen. Let him +abstain from the debris known as cottage pudding, that being its alias, +while the doctors recognize it as old Gastric Disturbance. Too much of our +hotel food tastes like the second day of January or the fifth day of July. +That's the whole thing in a few words, and unless the good hotels are +nearer together we shall have to multiply our cemetery facilities. + +Poor hotels are responsible for lots of drunkards every year. The only +time I am tempted to soak my sorrows in rum is after I have read a +delusive bill of fare and eaten a broiled barn-hinge with gravy on it that +tasted like the broth of perdition. It is then that the demon of +intemperance and colic comes to me and, in siren tones, says: “Try our +bourbon, with 'Polly Narius' on the side.” + + + + +Care of House Plants. + +Stern winter is the season in which to keep the eye peeled for the fragile +little house plant. It is at that time that the coarse and brutal husband +carries the Scandinavian flower known as the Ole Ander, part way down the +cellar, and allows it to fall the rest of the way. I carried a large Ole +Andor up and down stairs for nine years, until the spring of 1880. That +was rather a backward spring, and a pale red cow, with one horn done up in +a French twist, ate the most of it as it stood on the porch. + +[Illustration: CARRYING OUT THE OLE ANDER.] + +This cow was a total stranger to me. I had never done anything for her by +which to win her esteem. It shows how Providence works through the +humblest means sometimes to accomplish a great good. + +I have tried many times to find the postoffice address of that lonely cow, +so I might comfort her declining years, but she seemed to have melted away +into the bosom of space, for I cannot find her. Anyone knowing the +whereabouts of a pale red cow, with one horn done up in a French twist, +and wearing a look of settled melancholy, will please communicate the same +to me, as we have another Ole Ander that will just about fit her, I think, +by spring. + +[Illustration: WREAKING VENGEANCE.] + +Bulbs may be wrapped in cotton and put in a cool place in the fall, and +fed to the domestic animals in the spring. Geraniums should put on their +buffalo overcoats about the middle of November in our rigid northern +clime, and in the spring they will have the same luxuriant foliage as the +tropical hat-rack. Vines may be left in the room during the winter until +the furnace slips a cog and then you can pull them down and feed them to +the family horses. In changing your plants from the living rooms or +elsewhere to the cellar in the fall, take great care to avoid injury to +the pot. I have experienced some very severe winters in my life, but I +have never seen the mercury so low that a flowerpot couldn't struggle +through and look fresh and robust in the spring. The longevity of the pot +is surprising when we consider how much death there is all about it. I had +a large brown flower-pot once that originally held the germ of a calla +lily. This lily emerged from the soil with the light of immortality in its +eye. It got up to where we began to be attached to it, and then it died. +Then we put a plant in its place which was given us by a friend. I do not +remember now what this plant was called, but I know it was sent to us +wrapped up in a piece of moist brown paper, and half an hour later a dray +drove up to the house with the name of the plant itself. In the summer it +required very little care, and in the winter I would cover the little +thing up with its name, and it would be safe till spring. One evening we +had a free-for-all _musicale_ at my house, and a corpulent friend of mine +tried to climb it, and it died. (Tried to climb the plant, not the +_musicale_.) The plant yielded to the severe climb it. This joke now makes +its _debut_ for the first time before the world. Anyone who feels offended +with this joke may wreak his vengeance on a friend of mine named Sullivan, +who is passionately fond of having people wreak their vengeance on him. +People having a large amount of unwreaked vengeance on hand will do well +to give him a call before purchasing elsewhere. + + + + +A Peaceable Man. + +Will L. Visscher always made a specialty of being a peaceable man. He +would make most any sacrifice in order to secure general amnesty. I've +known him to go around six blocks out of his way, to avoid a stormy +interview with a belligerant dog. He was always very tender-hearted about +dogs, especially the open-faced bulldog. + +But he had a queer experience years ago, in St. Jo, Missouri. He had been +city editor of the Kansas City _Journal_ for some time, but one evening, +while in the composing-room, the foreman told him that the place for the +city editor was down stairs, in his office. He therefore ordered Visscher +to go down there. Visscher said he would do so later on, after he got +fatigued with the composing-room and wanted change of scene. + +The foreman thereupon jumped on Mr. Visscher with a small pica wrought +iron side stick. Visscher allowed that he was a peaceable man, but entered +into the general chaos of double-leaded editorial, and hair and brass +dashes, and dashes for liberty and heterogeneous “pi,” and foot-sticks and +teeth, with great zeal. He succeeded in putting a large doric head on the +foreman, and although he was a peaceable man, he went down to the office +and got his discharge for disturbing the discipline of the office. + +He went to St. Jo the same day, and celebrated his _debut_ into the town +by a little game of what is known as “draw.” He was fortunate in “filling +his hand,” and while he was taking in the stakes, a young man from +Arkansas, who was in the game, nipped a two-dollar note in a quiet kind of +way, which, however, was detected by Mr. V., who mentioned the matter at +the time. This maddened the Arkansas man, and later on he put one of his +long arms around Mr. Visscher so as to pinion him, and then smote him +across the brow with an instrument, known to science as “the brass +knucks.” This irritated Mr. Visscher, and as soon as he had returned to +consciousness he remarked that, although it was rather an up-hill job in +Missouri, he was trying to be a peaceable man. He then broke the leg of a +card-table over the head of the Arkansas man, and went to the doctor to +get his own brow sewed on again. + +While he was sitting in the doctor's office a friend of the Arkansas man +came in and asked him to please stand up while he knocked him down. +Visscher opened a little dialogue with the man, and drew him into +conversation till he could open a case of surgical instruments near by, +then he took out one of those knives that the surgeons use in removing the +viscera from the leading gentleman at a post mortem. + +“Now,” said he, sharpening the knife on the stove-pipe and handing down a +jar containing alcohol with a tumor in it, “I am a peaceful man and don't +want any fuss; but if you insist on a personal encounter, I will slice off +fragments of your physiognomy at my leisure, and for twenty minutes I will +fill this office with your favorite features. I make a specialty of being +a peaceable man, remember; but if you'll just say the word, I'll put +overcoat button-holes and eyelet-holes and crazy-quilts all over your +system. If I've got to kill off the poker-players of St. Jo before I can +have any fun, I guess I might as well begin on you as on any one I know.” + +[Illustration: HE WAS A PEACEABLE MAN.] + +He then made a stab at the man and pinned his coat-tail to the door-frame. +Fear loaned the bad man strength, and, splitting the coat-tail, he fled, +taking little mementoes of the tumor-jar and shedding them in his flight. + +When Mr. Visscher went up to the _Herald_ office soon after to get a job, +he was introduced casually to the foreman, who said: + +“Ah, this is the young man who licks the foreman of the paper he works on, +is it? I am glad to meet you, Mr. Visscher. I am looking for a white-eyed +son of a sea-cook who goes around over Missouri thumping the foremen of +our leading journals. Come out into the ante-room, Mr. Visscher, till I +jar your back teeth loose and send you to the morgue in a gunny-sack.” Mr. +Visscher repeated that he was trying to live in Missouri and be a +peaceable man, but that if there was anything that he could do to make it +pleasant for the foreman, he would cheerfully do it. + +Mr. Visscher was a small man, but when he felt aggrieved about anything he +was very harassing to his adversary. They “clinched” and threw each other +back and forth across the hall with great vigor. When they stopped for +breath, the foreman's coat was pulled over his head and the bosom of Mr. +Visscher's shirt was hanging on the gas-jet. There were also two front +teeth on the floor unaccounted for. + +Visscher pinned on his shirt-bosom and said he was a peaceable man, but if +the custom seemed to demand four fights in one day, he would try to +conform to any local usage of the city. Wherever he went, he wanted to +fall right into line and be one of the party. + +When he got well he was employed on the _Herald_, and for four years +edited the amnesty column of the paper successfully. + + + + +Biography of Spartacus. + +Spartacus, whose given name seems to have been torn off in its passage +down through the corridors of time, was born in Thrace and educated as a +shepherd. While smearing the noses of the young lambs with tar one spring, +in order to prevent the snuffies among them, he thought that he would +become a robber. It occurred to him that this calling was the only one he +knew of that seemed to be open to the young man without means. + +He had hardly got started, however, in the “hold up” industry, when he was +captured by the Romans, sold at cost and trained as a gladiator, in a +school at Capua. Here he succeeded in stirring up a conspiracy and uniting +two hundred or more of the grammar department of the school in a general +ruction, as it was then termed. + +The scheme was discovered and only seventy of the number escaped, headed +by Spartacus. These snatched cleavers from the butcher shops, pickets from +the Roman fences and various other weapons, and with them fought their way +to the foot hill where they met a wagon train loaded with arms and +supplies. They secured the necessary weapons whereby to go into a general +war business and established themselves in the crater of Mount Vesuvius. + +Spartacus was a man of wonderful carriage and great physical strength. It +had always been his theory that a man might as well die of old age as to +feed himself to a Roman menagerie. He maintained that he would rather die +in a general free fight, where he had a chance, than to be hauled around +over the arena by one leg behind a Numidian lion. + +So he took his little band and fought his way to Vesuvius. There they had +a pleasant time camping out nights and robbing the Roman's daytimes. The +excitement of sleeping in a crater, added a wonderful charm to their +lives. While others slept cold in Capua, Spartacus cuddled up to the +crater and kept comfortable. + +For a long time the little party had it all their own way. They sniffed +the air of freedom and lived on Roman spring chicken on the half shell, +and it beat the arena business all hollow. + +At last, however, an army of 3,000 men was sent against them, and +Spartacus awoke one morning to find himself blocked up in his crater. For +a time the outlook was not cheering. Spartacus thought of telegraphing the +war department for reinforcements, but finally decided not to do so. + +Finally, with ladders made of wild vines, the little garrison slipped out +through what had seemed an impassable fissure in the crater, got in the +rear of the army and demolished it completely. That's the kind of man that +Spartacus was. Fighting was his forte. + +Spartacus was also a good public speaker. One of his addresses to the +gladiators has been handed down to posterity through the medium of the +Fifth Reader, a work that should be in every household. In his speech he +states that he was not always thus. But since he is thus, he believes that +he has not yet been successfully outthussed by any body. + +He speaks of his early life in the citron groves of Syrsilla, and how +quiet and reserved he had been, never daring to say “gosh” within a mile +of the house; but finally how the Romans landed on his coast and killed +off his family. Then he desired to be a fighter. He had killed more lions +than any other man in Italy. He kept a big crew of Romans busy, winter and +summer, catching fresh lions for him to stick. He had killed a large +number of men also. At one matinee for ladies and children he had killed a +prominent man from the north, and had done it so fluently that he was +encored three times. The stage manager then came forward and asked that +the audience would please refrain from another encore as he had run out of +men, but if the ladies and children would kindly attend on the following +Saturday he hoped to be prepared with a good programme. In fact, he had +just heard from his agent who wrote him that they had purchased two big +lions and also had a robust gladiator up a tree. He hoped that he could +get into town in a day or two with both attractions. + +Spartacus finally stood at the head of an army of 100,000 men, all +starting out from the little band of 70 that cut loose from Capua with +borrowed cleavers and axhandles. This war lasted but two years, during +which time Spartacus made Rome howl. Spartacus had too much sense to +attack Rome. But at last his army was betrayed and disorganized. With +nothing but death or capture for him, he rode out between the two +contending armies, shot his war horse in order to save expenses, and on +foot rushed into the thickest of the fight. This was positively his last +appearance. He killed a large number of people, but at last he yielded to +the great pressure that was brought to bear upon him and died. + +Probably no man not actually engaged in the practice of medicine ever +killed so many people as Spartacus. He did not kill them because he +disliked them personally, but because he thought it advisable to do so. +Had he lived till the present time he would have done well as a lecturer. +“Ten Years in the Arena, with Illustrations,” would draw first-rate at +this time among a certain class of people. The large number of people +still living in this country, who will lay aside their work and go twenty +miles to attend a funeral, no matter whose funeral it is, would, no doubt, +enjoy a bull fight or the cairn and refining joy that hovered over the +arena. Those who have paid $175,000 to see Colonel John L. Sullivan +disfigure a friend, would, no doubt, have made it $350,000 if the victim +could have been killed and dragged around over the ring by the leg. + +Two thousand years have not refined us so much that we need be puffed up +with false pride about it. + + + + +Concerning Book Publishing. + +“Amateur” writes me that he is about to publish a book, and asks me if I +will be kind enough to suggest some good, reliable publisher for him. + +This would suggest that “Amateur” wishes to confer his book on some +deserving publisher with a view to building him up and pouring a golden +stream of wealth into his coffers. “Amateur” already, in his mind's eye, +sees the eager millions of readers knocking each other down and trampling +upon one another in the mad rush for his book. In my mind, I see his eye, +lighted up with hope, and, though he lives in New Jersey, I fancy I can +hear his quickened breath as his bosom heaves. + +[Illustration: WISHES TO CONFER HIS BOOK ON SOME DESERVING PUBLISHER.] + +Evidently he has never published a book. There is a good deal of fun ahead +of him that he does not wot of. I used to think that when I got the last +page of my book ready for press, the front yard would be full of +publishers tramping down the velvet lawn and the meek-eyed pansies in +their crazy efforts to get hold of the manuscript, but when I had written +the last word of my first volume of soul-throb, and had opened the +casement to look out on the howling, hungry mob of publishers, with +checkbooks in one hand and a pillow-case full of scads in the other, I was +a little puzzled to notice the abrupt and pronounced manner in which they +were not there. + +All of us have to struggle before we can catch the eye of the speaker. +Milton didn't get one-fiftieth as much for “Paradise Lost” as I got for my +first book, and yet you will find people to-day who claim that if Milton +had lived he could have knocked the socks off of me with one hand tied +behind him. Recollect, however, that I am not here to open a discussion on +this matter. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion in relation to +authors. People cannot agree on the relative merits of literature. Now, +for instance, last summer I met a man over in South Park, Col., who could +repeat page after page of Shakespeare, and yet, when I asked him if he was +familiar with the poems of the “Sweet Singer of Michigan,” he turned upon +me a look of stolid vacancy, and admitted that he had never heard of her +in his life. + + + + +A Calm. + +The old Greeley Colony in Colorado, a genuine oasis in the desert, with +its huge irrigating canals of mountain water running through the mighty +wheat fields, glistening each autumn at the base of the range, affords a +good deal that is curious, not only to the mind of the gentleman from the +States, but even to the man who lives at Cheyenne, W.T., only a few hours' +journey to the north. + +You could hardly pick out two cities so near each other and yet so unlike +as Cheyenne and Greeley. The latter is quiet, and even accused of being +dull, and yet everybody is steadily getting rich. It is a town of readers, +thinkers and mental independents. It is composed of the elements of New +England shrewdness and Western push, yet Greeley as compared with Cheyenne +would be called a typical New England town in the midst of the active, +fluctuating, booming West. + +Cheyenne is not so tame. With few natural advantages the reputation of +Cheyenne is that, in commercial parlance, she is “A 1” for promptness in +paying her debts and absence of failures. There is more wealth there in +proportion to the number of inhabitants than elsewhere in the civilized +world, no doubt. The people take special pleasure in surprising Eastern +people who visit them by a reception very often that they will long +remember for cordiality, hospitality, and even magnificence. + +Still I didn't start out to write up either Cheyenne or Greeley. I +intended to mention casually Dr. Law, of the latter place, who acted as my +physician for a few months and coaxed me back from the great hereafter. I +had been under the hands of a physician just before, who was also coroner, +and who, I found afterward, was trying to treat me professionally as long +as the lamp held out to burn, intending afterward to sit upon me +officially. He had treated me professionally until he was about ready to +summon his favorite coroner's jury. Then I got irritated and left the +county of his jurisdiction. + +Learning that Dr. Law was relying solely on the practice of medicine for a +livelihood, I summoned him, and after explaining the great danger that +stood in the way of harmonizing the practice of medicine and the official +work of the inquest business, I asked him if he had any business +connection with any undertaking establishment or _hic jacet_ business, and +learning from him that he had none, I engaged him to solder up my +vertebrae and reorganize my spinal duplex. + +Sometimes it isn't entirely the medicine you swallow that paralyzes pain +so much as it is the quiet magnetism of a good story and the snap of a +pleasant eye. I had one physician who tried to look joyous when he came +into the room, but he generally asked me to run my tongue out till he +could see where it was tied on, then he would feel my pulse with his cold +finger and time it with a $6 watch, and after that he would write a new +prescription for horse medicine and heave a sigh, look at me as he might +if it had been the last time he ever expected to see me on earth, and then +he would sigh and go away. When he came back he generally looked shocked +and grieved to find me alive. This was the _pro tem_ physician and +_ex-officio_ coroner. I always felt as though I ought to apologize to him +for clinging to life so, when no doubt he had the jury in the hall waiting +to “view” me. + +Dr. Law used to tell me of the early history of the Greeley Colony, and +how the original cranks of the community used to be in session most of the +time, and how they sometimes neglected to do their planting to do +legislating, and how they overdid the council work and neglected to “bug” + their potatoes. I remember, also, of his description of how the crew, +working on the original big irrigating canal, struck when it was about +half done, and swore that from the Poudre the ditch was going to run up +hill, and would, therefore, be a failure. The engineer didn't know at +first what was best to do with the belligerent laborers, but finally he +took the leader away from the rest of the crew and said, “Now, I tell you +this in confidence, because of course I know perfectly well that the +stockholders may kick on it if they hear it, but I'm building the blamed +thing as level as I can and putting one end of it in the Poudre and one +end in the Platte. Now, if I'm building it up hill the water'll run down +from the Platte into the Poudre, and if not it'll run from the Poudre into +the Platte. Sabe?” + +The ditch was built, and now a deep, still river runs from the Poudre to +the Platte, according to advertisement. + +Greeley is also noted for its watchmakers. I sent my watch to the first +one I heard of, and he said it needed cleaning. He cleaned it. I paid him +$2 and took it home, when it ran two hours and then suspended. Then I took +it to another watchmaker who said that the first man had used machine oil +on its works, and had heated the wheels so as to gum the oil on the cogs. +He would have to eradicate the cooked oil from the watch, and it would +cost me $3. I paid it, and joyfully took the watch home. The next day I +found that it had gained time enough to pay for itself. By noon, it had +fatigued itself so that it was losing terribly, and by the day following +had folded its still hands across its pale face in the sleep that knows no +waking. I took it to the third and last jeweler in the town. Everyone said +he was a good workman, but a trifle slow. In the afternoon I went in to +see how he was getting along with it. He was sitting at his bench with a +dice cup in his eye, apparently looking into the digestive economy of the +watch. + +I looked at him some time, not wishing to disturb him and interfere with +his diagnosis. He did not move or say anything. Several people came in to +trade and get the correct time, but he paid no attention to them. + +I got tired and changed from one foot to the other several times. Then I +asked him how he got along, or something of that kind, but he never opened +his head. He was the most preoccupied watch savant I ever saw. No outside +influence could break up his chain of thought when he got after a diseased +watch. + +I finally got around on the outside of the shop and looked in the window, +where I could get a good view of his face. + +He was asleep. + + + + +The Story of a Struggler. + +My name is Kaulbach. William J. Kaulbach is my name, and I am spending the +summer in Canada. I may remain here during the winter, also. My parents +are very poor. They had never been wealthy, and at the time of my birth +they were even less wealthy than they had been before. As soon as I was +born the poverty of my parents attracted my attention. I decided at once +to relieve their distress. I intended to aid them from my own pocket, but +found upon examination that I had no funds in my pocket; also, no pocket; +also, no place to put a pocket if I had brought one with me. So my parents +continued to be poor, and to put by a little poverty for a rainy day. I +was sole heir to the poverty they had acquired in all these years. + +Nature did not do much for me in the way of beauty, either. I was quite +plain when born and may still be identified by that peculiarity. Plainess +with me is not only a characteristic, but it is a passion. My whole being +is wrapped up in it. My hair is a sort of neutral brindle, such as grows +upon the top of a retired hair trunk, and my freckles are olive green, +fading into a delicate, crushed-bran color. They are very large, and +actually pain me at times. + +My teacher tried to encourage me by telling me of other poor boys who had +grown up to be president of the United States, and he tried to get me to +consent to having my name used as a candidate; but I refrained from doing +so. I knew that, although I was deserving of the place, I could not endure +the bitterness of a campaign, and that the illustrated papers would +enlarge upon my personal appearance and bring out my freckles till you +could hang your hat on them. + +So I grew up to be a stage robber. + +When I have my mask on my freckles do not show. I lectured on phrenology +at first to get means to prosecute my studies as a stage robber, and when +I had perfected myself as a burglar I went abroad to study the methods of +the Italian banditti. I was two years under the teaching of the old +masters, and acquired great fluency as a robber while there. I studied +from nature all the time, and some of my best work was taken from life. I +had an opportunity to observe all the methods of the most celebrated +garroting maestro and stilletto virtuoso. He was an enthusiast and +thoroughly devoted to his art. He had a large price on his head, also. +Aside from that he went bareheaded winter and summer. + +[Illustration: MAKING HIS DEBUT.] + +Finally I returned to my own native land, poor, but fired with a mighty +ambition. I went west and proceeded at once to _debut_. I went west to +hold up the country. I was very successful, indeed, and have had my hands +in the pockets of our most eminent men. + +We were isolated from society a good deal, but we met the better class of +people now and then in the course of our business. I did not like so much +night work, and sometimes we had to eat raw pork because we did not wish +to build a fire that would attract mosquitoes and sheriffs. So we were +liable more or less to trichina and insomnia, but still we were free from +sewer gas and poll tax. We did not get our mail with much regularity, but +we got a lick at some mighty fine scenery. + +But all this is only incidental. What I desired to say was this: Fame and +distinction come high, and when we have them in our grasp at last we find +that they bring their resultant sorrows. I worked long and hard for fame, +and sat up nights and rode through alkali dust for thousands of miles, +that I might be known as the leading robber of the age in which I lived, +only to find at last that my great fame was the source of my chief +annoyance. It made me so widely known that I felt, as Christine Nilsson +says, “as though I lived in a glass case.” Everyone wanted to see me. +Everyone wanted my autograph. Everyone wanted my skeleton to hang up in +the library. + +I could have traveled with a show and drawn a large salary, but I hated to +wear a boiler iron overcoat all through the hot weather, after having +lived so wild and free. But all this attention worried me so that I could +not sleep, and many a night I would arise from the lava bed on which I had +reclined, and putting on my dressing-gown and slippers, I would wander +about under the stars and wish that I could be an unknown boy again in my +far away home. But I could not. I often wished that I could die a natural +death, but that was out of the question. + +Finally, it got so that I did not dare to take a chew of tobacco, unless I +did so under an assumed name. I hardly dared to let go of my six-shooter +long enough to wipe my nose, for fear that someone might get the drop on +me. + +That is the reason why I came to Canada. Here among so many criminals, I +do not attract attention, but I use a _nom de plume_ all the time, even +here, and all these hot nights, while others take off their clothing, I +lie and swelter in my heavy winter _nom de plume_. + + + + +The Old Subscriber. + +At this season of the year, we are forcibly struck with the earnest and +honest effort that is being made by the publisher of the American +newspaper. It is a healthy sign and a hopeful one for the future of our +country. It occurs to me that with the great advancement of the newspaper, +and the family paper, and the magazine, we do not expect leaders and +statesmen to think for us so much as we did fifty years ago. We do not +allow the newspaper to mold us so much as we did. We enjoy reading the +opinion of a bright, brave, and cogent editor because we know that he sits +where he can acquire his facts in a few hours from all quarters of the +globe, and speak truly to his great audience in relation to those facts, +but we have ceased to allow even that man to think for us. + +What then is to be the final outcome of all this? Is it not that the +average American is going to use, and is using, his thinker more than he +ever did before? Will not that thinker then, like the muscle of the +blacksmith's arm, or the mule's hind foot, grow to a wondrous size as a +result? Most assuredly. + +The day certainly is not far distant, when the American can not only +out-fight, out-row, out-bat, out-run, out-lie, and out-sail all other +nationalities; but he will also be able to out-think them. We already +point with pride to some of the wonderful thoughts that our leading +thinkists, with their thinkers, have thunk. There are native born +Americans now living, who have thought of things that would make the head +of the amateur thinker ache for a week. + +All this is largely due to the free use of the newspaper as a home +educator. The newspaper is growing more and more ubiquitous, if I may be +allowed the expression. Many poor people, who, a few years ago, could not +afford the newspaper, now have it scolloped and put it on their pantry +shelves every year. + +But I did not start out to enlarge upon the newspaper. I would like to say +a word or two more, however, on that general subject. Very often we hear +some wise man with the responsibility of the universe on his shoulders, the +man who thinks he is the censor of the human race now, and that he will be +foreman of the grand jury on the Judgment Day--we hear this kind of man +say every little while: + +“We've got too many papers. We are loaded down with reading matter. Can't +read all my paper every day. Lots of days I throw my paper aside before I +get it all read through, and never have a chance to finish it. All that is +dead loss.” + +It is, of course, a dead loss to that kind of a man. He is the kind of man +that expects his family to begin at one side of the cellar and eat right +straight across, it--cabbages, potatoes, turnips, pickles, apples, +pumpkins, etc., etc.,--without stopping to discriminate. There are none +too many papers, so far as the subscriber is concerned. Looking at it from +the publisher's standpoint sometimes, there are too many. + +To the man who has inherited too large, wide, sinewy hands, and a brain +that under the microscope looks like a hepatized lung, it seems some days +as though the field had been over-crowded when he entered it. To the young +man who was designed to maul rails or sock the fence-post into the bosom +of the earth, and who has evaded that sphere of action and disregarded the +mandate to maul rails, or to take a coal-pick and toy with the bowels of +the earth, hoping to win an easier livelihood by feeding sour paste to +village cockroaches, and still poorer pabulum to his subscribers, the +newspaper field seems to be indeed jam full. + +But not so the man who is tall enough to see into the future about nine +feet. He still remembers that he must live in the hearts of his +subscribers, and he makes their wants his own. He is not to proud to +listen to suggestions from the man who works. He recognizes that it is not +the man with the diamond-mounted stomach who has contributed most to his +success, but the man who never dips into society much with the exception +of his family, perhaps, and that ought to be good society. A man ought not +to feel too good to associate with his wife and children. Generally my +sympathies are with his wife and children, if they have to associate with +him very much. + +But if I could ever get down to it, I would like to say a word on behalf +of the old subscriber. Being an old subscriber myself, I feel an interest +in his cause; and as he rarely rushes into print except to ask why the +police contrive to keep aloof from anything that might look like a fight, +or to inquire why the fire department will continue year after year to run +through the streets killing little children who never injured the +department in any way, just so that they will be in time to chop a hole in +the roof of a house that is not on fire, and pour some water down into the +library, then whoop through an old tin dipper a few times and go away--as +the old subscriber does not generally say much in print except on the +above subjects, I make bold to say on his behalf that as a rule, he is not +treated half as well as the prodigal son, who has been spending his +substance on a rival paper, or stealing his news outright from the old +subscriber. + +Why should we pat the new subscriber on the back, and give him a new album +that will fall to pieces whenever you laugh in the same room? Why should +you forget the old love for the new? Do we not often impose on the old +subscriber by giving up the space he has paid for to flaming +advertisements to catch the coy and skittish gudgeon who still lurks +outside the fold? Do we not ofttimes offer a family Bible for a new +subscriber when an old subscriber may be in a lost and undone state? + +Do we not again and again offer to the wife of our new subscriber a +beautiful, plain gold ring, or a lace pin for a year's subscription and +$1, while the wife of our old subscriber is just in the shank of a long, +hard, cold winter, without a ring or a pin to her back? + +We ought to remember that the old subscriber came to us with his money +when we most needed it. He bore with us when we were new in the business, +and used such provincialisms as “We have saw” and “If we had knew.” He +bore with us when the new column rules were so sharp that they chawed the +paper all up, and the office was so cold, waiting for wood to come in on +subscription, that the “color” was greasy and reluctant. He took our paper +and paid for it, while the new subscriber was in the penitentiary for all +we know. He made a mild kick sometimes when he “didn't git his paper +reggler;” but he paid on the first day of January every year in advance, +out of an old calfskin wallet that opened out like a concertina, and had a +strap that went around it four times, and looked as shiny, and sweaty, and +good-natured as the razor-strop that might have been used by Noah. + +The old subscriber never asked any rebate, or requested a prize volume of +poetry with a red cover, because he had paid for another year; but he +simply warmed his numb fingers, so that he could loosen his overalls and +lower one side enough to let his hand into the pocket of his best +pantaloons underneath, and there he always found the smooth wallet, and +inside of it there was always a $2 bill, that had been put there to pay +for the paper. Then the old subscriber would warm his hands some more, ask +“How's tricks?” but never begin to run down the paper, and then he would +go away to work for another year. + +[Illustration: THE RIGHT SORT OF SUBSCRIBER.] + +I want to say that this country rests upon a great, solid foundation of +old, paid-up subscribers. They are the invisible, rock-ribbed +resting-place for the dazzling superstructure and the slim and peaked +spire. Whether we procure a new press or a new dress, a new contributor or +a new printers' towel, we must bank on the old subscriber; for the new one +is fickle, and when some other paper gives him a larger or a redder +covered book, he may desert our standard. He yearns for the flesh-pots and +the new scroll saws of other papers. He soon wearies of a uniformly good +paper, with no chance to draw a town lot or a tin mine--in Montana. + +Let us, therefore, brethren of the press, cling to the old subscriber as +he has clung to us. Let us say to him, on this approaching Christmas Eve, +“Son, thou art always with me, and all that I have is thine. It was meet +that we should make merry, that this, thy brother, who had been a +subscriber for our vile contemporary many years, but is alive again, and +during a lucid interval has subscribed for our paper; but, after all, we +would not go to him if we wanted to borrow a dollar. Remember that you +still have our confidence, and when we want a good man to indorse our note +at the bank, you will find that your name in our memory is ever fresh and +green.” + +Looking this over, I am struck with the amount of stuff I have +successfully said, and yet there is a paucity of ideas. Some writers would +not use the word paucity in this place without first knowing the meaning +of it, but I am not that way. There are thousands of words that I now use +freely, but could not if I postponed it until I could learn their meaning. +Timidity keeps many of our authors back, I think. Many are more timid +about using big words than they are about using other people's ideas. + +A friend of mine wanted to write a book, but hadn't the time to do it. So +he asked me if I wouldn't do it for him. He was very literary, he said, +but his business took up all his time, so I asked him what kind of a book +he wanted. He said he wanted a funny book, with pictures in it and a blue +cover. I saw at once that he had fine literary taste and delicate +discrimination, but probably did not have time to give it full swing. I +asked him what he thought it would be worth to write such a book. “Well,” + he said, he had always supposed that I enjoyed it myself, but if I thought +I ought to have pay besides, he would be willing to pay the same as he did +for his other writing--ten cents a folio. + +He is worth $50,000, because he has documentary evidence to show that a +man who made that amount out of deceased hogs, had the misfortune to be +his father and then die. + +It was a great triumph to be born under such circumstances, and yet the +young man lacks the mental stamina necessary to know how to successfully +eat common mush and milk in such a low key that will not alarm the police. + +I use this incident more as an illustration than anything else. It +illustrates how anything may be successfully introduced into an article of +this kind without having any bearing whatever upon it. + +I like to close a serious essay, or treatise, with some humorous incident, +like the clown in the circus out West last summer, who joked along through +the performance all the afternoon till two or three children went into +convulsions, and hypochondria seemed to reign rampant through the tent. +All at once a bright idea struck him. He climbed up on the flying trapeze, +fell off, and broke his neck. He was determined to make that audience +laugh, and he did it at last. Every one felt repaid for the trouble of +going to the circus. + + + + +My Dog. + +I have owned quite a number of dogs in my life, but they are all dead now. +Last evening I visited my dog cemetery--just between the gloaming and the +shank of the evening. On the biscuit-box cover that stands at the head of +a little mound fringed with golden rod and pickle bottles, the idler may +still read these lines, etched in red chalk by a trembling hand: + +LITTLE KOSCIUSKO,--NOT DEAD,--BUT JERKED HENCE +By Request. +S.Y.L. +(See you Later.) + +I do not know why he was called Kosciusko. I do not care. I only know that +his little grave stands out there while the gloaming gloams and the +soughing winds are soughing. + +Do you ask why I am alone here and dogless in this weary world? + +I will tell you, anyhow. It will not take long, and it may do me good: + +Kosciusko came to me one night in winter, with no baggage and +unidentified. When I opened the door he came in as though he had left +something in there by mistake and had returned for it. + +He stayed with us two years as a watch-dog. In a desultory way, he was a +good watch-dog. If he had watched other people with the same unrelenting +scrutiny with which he watched me, I might have felt his death more keenly +than I do now. + +The second year that little Kosciusko was with us, I shaved off a full +beard one day while down town, put on a clean collar and otherwise +disguised myself, intending to surprise my wife. + +Kosciusko sat on the front porch when I returned. He looked at me as the +cashier of a bank does when a newspaper man goes in to get a suspiciously +large check cashed. He did not know me. I said, “Kosciusko, have you +forgotten your master's voice?” + +He smiled sarcastically, showing his glorious wealth of mouth, but still +sat there as though he had stuck his tail into the door-steps and couldn't +get it out. + +So I waived the formality of going in at the front door, and went around +to the portcullis, on the off side of the house, but Kosciusko was there +when I arrived. The cook, seeing a stranger lurking around the manor +house, encouraged Kosciusko to come and gorge himself with a part of my +leg, which he did. Acting on this hint I went to the barn. I do not know +why I went to the barn, but somehow there was nothing in the house that I +wanted. When a man wants to be by himself, there is no place like a good, +quiet barn for thought. So I went into the barn, about three feet prior to +Kosciusko. + +[Illustration: THE COMBAT.] + +Noticing the stairway, I ascended it in an aimless kind of way, about four +steps at a time. What happened when we got into the haymow I do not now +recall, only that Kosciusko and I frolicked around there in the hay for +some time. Occasionally I would be on top, and then he would have all the +delegates, until finally I got hold of a pitchfork, and freedom shrieked +when Kosciusko fell. I wrapped myself up in an old horse-net and went into +the house. Some of my clothes were afterward found in the hay, and the +doctor pried a part of my person out of Kosciusko's jaws, but not enough +to do me any good. + +I have owned, in all, eleven dogs, and they all died violent deaths, and +went out of the world totally unprepared to die. + + + + +A Picturesque Picnic. + +Railroads have made the Rocky Mountain country familiar and contiguous, I +may say, to the whole world; but the somber canon, the bald and blackened +cliff, the velvety park and the snowy, silent peak that forever rests +against the soft, blue sky, are ever new. The foamy green of the torrent +has whirled past the giant walls of nature's mighty fortress myriads of +years, perhaps, and the stars have looked down into the great heart of +earth for centuries, where the silver thread of streams, thousands of feet +below, has been patiently carving out the dark canon where the eagle and +the solemn echo have their home. + +I said this to a gentleman from Leadville a short time ago as we toiled up +Kenoska Hill, between Platte canon and the South Park, on the South Park +and Pacific Railway. He said that might be true in some cases and even +more so, perhaps, depending entirely on whether it would or not. + +I do not believe at this moment that he thoroughly understood me. He was +only a millionaire and his soul, very likely, had never throbbed and +thrilled with the mysterious music nature yields to her poet child. + +He could talk on and on of porphyry walls and contact veins, gray copper +and ruby silver, and sulphurets and pyrites of iron, but when my eye +kindled with the majestic beauty of these eternal battlements and my voice +trembled a little with awe and wonder; while my heart throbbed and +thrilled in the midst of nature's eloquent, golden silence, this man sat +there like an Etruscan ham and refused to throb or thrill. He was about as +unsatisfactory a throbber and thriller as I have met for years. + +At an elevation of over 10,000 feet above high water mark, Fahrenheit, the +South Park, a hundred miles long, surrounded by precipitous mountains or +green and sloping foot-hills, burst upon us, In the clear, still air, a +hundred miles away, at Pueblo, I could hear a promissory note and +cut-throat mortgage drawing three per cent a month. So calm and unruffled +was the rarified air that I fancied I could hear the thirteenth assessment +on a share of stock at Leadville toiling away at the bottom of a two +hundred and fifty foot shaft. + +Colorado air is so pure that men in New York have, in several instances, +heard the dull rumble of an assessment working as far away as the San Juan +country. + +At Como, in the park, I met Col. Wellington Wade, the Duke of Dirty +Woman's Ranch, and barber extraordinary to old Stand-up-and-Yowl, chief of +the Piebiters. + +Colonel Wade is a reformed temperance lecturer. I went to his shop to get +shaved, but he was absent. I could smell hair oil through the keyhole, but +the Colonel was not in his slab-inlaid emporium. He had been preparing +another lecture on temperance, and was at that moment studying the habits +of his adversary at a neighboring gin palace. I sat down on the steps and +devoured the beautiful landscape till he came. Then I sat down in the +chair, and he hovered over me while he talked about an essay he had +written on the flowing bowl. His arguments were not so strong as his +breath seemed to be. I asked him if he wouldn't breathe the other way +awhile and let me sober up. I learned afterward that although his nose was +red, his essay was not. + +He would shave me for a few moments, and then he would hone the razor on +his breath and begin over again. I think he must have been pickling his +lungs in alcohol. I never met a more pronounced gin cocktail symphony and +bologna sausage study in my life. + +I think Sir Walter Scott must have referred to Colonel Wade when he said, +“Breathes there a man with soul so dead?” Colonel Wade's soul might not +have been dead, but it certainly did not enjoy perfect health. + +I went over the mountains to Breckenridge the next day, climbed two miles +perpendicularly into the sky, rode on a special train one day, a push car +the next and a narrow-gauge engine the next. Saw all the beauty of the +country, in charge of Superintendent Smith, went over to Buena Vista and +had a congestion of the spine and a good time generally. You can leave +Denver on a morning train and see enough wild, grand, picturesque +loveliness before supper, to store away in your heart and hang upon the +walls of memory, to last all through your busy, humdrum life, and it is a +good investment, too. + + + + +Taxidermy. + +This name is from two Greek words which signify “arrangement” and “skin,” + so that the ancient Greeks, no doubt, regarded taxidermy as the original +skin-game of that period. Taxidermy did not flourish in America prior to +the year 1828. At that time an Englishman named Scudder established a +museum and general repository for upholstered beasts. + +Since then the art has advanced quite rapidly. To properly taxiderm, +requires a fine taste and a close study of the subject itself in life, +akin to the requirements necessary in order to succeed as a sculptor. I +have seen taxidermed animals that would not fool anybody. I recall, at +this time especially, a mountain lion, stuffed after death by a party who +had not made this matter a subject of close study. The lion was +represented in a crouching attitude, with open jaws and red gums. As time +passed on and year succeeded year, this lion continued to crouch. His tail +became less rampant and drooped like a hired man on a hot day. His gums +became less fiery red and his reddish skin hung over his bones in a loose +and distraught manner, like an old buffalo robe thrown over the knees of a +vinegary old maid. Spiders spun their webs across his dull, white fangs. +Mice made their nests in his abdominal cavity. His glass eye became +hopelessly strabismussed, and the moths left him bald-headed on the +stomach. He was a sad commentary on the extremely transitory nature of all +things terrestrial and the hollowness of the stuffed beast. + +I had a stuffed bird for a long time, which showed the cunning of the +stuffer to a great degree. It afforded me a great deal of unalloyed +pleasure, because I liked to get old hunters to look at it and tell me +what kind of a bird it was. They did not generally agree. A bitter and +acrimonious fight grew out of a discussion in relation to this bird. A man +from Vinegar Hill named Lyons and a party called Soiled Murphy (since +deceased), were in my office one morning--Mr. Lyons as a witness, and Mr. +Murphy in his great specialty as a drunk and disorderly. We had just +disposed of the case, and had just stepped down from the bench, intending +to take off the judicial ermine and put some more coal in the stove, when +the attention of Soiled Murphy was attracted to the bird. He allowed that +it was a common “hell-diver with an abnormal head,” while Lyons claimed +that it was a kingfisher. + +The bird had a duck's body, the head of a common eagle and the feet of a +sage hen. These parts had been adjusted with great care and the tail +loaded with lead somehow, so that the powerful head would not tip the bird +up behind. With this _rara avis_, to use a foreign term, I loved to amuse +and instruct old hunters, who had been hunting all their lives for a free +drink, and hear them tell how they had killed hundred of these birds over +on the Poudre in an early day, or over near Elk Mountain when the country +was new. + +So Lyons claimed that he had killed millions of these fowls, and Soiled +Murphy, who was known as the tomato can and beer-remnant savant of that +country, said that before the Union Pacific Railroad got into that +section, these birds swarmed around Hutton's lakes and lived on horned +toads. + +The feeling got more and more partisan till Mr. Lyons made a pass at +Soiled Murphy with a large red cuspidor that had been presented to me by +Valentine Baker, a dealer in abandoned furniture and mines. Mr. Murphy +then welted Lyons over the head with the judicial scales. He then adroitly +caught a lump of bituminous coal with his countenance and fell to the +floor with a low cry of pain. + +I called in an outside party as a witness, and in the afternoon both men +were convicted of assault and battery. Soiled Murphy asked for a change of +venue on the ground that I was prejudiced. I told him that I did not allow +anything whatever to prejudice me, and went on with the case. + +This great taxidermic masterpiece led to other assaults afterward, all of +which proved remunerative in a small way. My successor claimed that the +bird was a part of the perquisites of the office, and so I had to turn it +over with the docket. + +I also had a stuffed weasel from Cummins City that attracted a great deal +of attention, both in this country and in Europe. It looked some like a +weasel and some like an equestrian sausage with hair on it. + + + + +The Ways of Doctors. + +“There's a big difference in doctors, I tell you,” said an old-timer to me +the other day. “You think you know something about 'em, but you are still +in the fluff and bloom, and kindergarten of life, Wait till you've been +through what I have.” + +“Where, for instance?” I asked him. + +“Well, say nothing about anything else, just look at the doctors we had in +the war. We had a doctor in our regiment that looked as if he knew so much +that it made him unhappy. I found out afterward that he ran a kind of cow +foundling asylum, in Utah before the war, and when he had to prescribe for +a human being, it seemed to kind of rattle him. + +“I fell off'n my horse early in the campaign and broke my leg, I +rickolect, and he sot the bone. He thought that a bone should be sot +similar to a hen. He made what he called a good splice, but the break was +above the knee, and he got the cow idea into his head in a way that set +the knee behind. That was bad. + +[Illustration: HE GAVE ME A CIGAR.] + +“I told him one day that he was a blamed fool. He gave me a cigar and told +me I must be a mind reader. + +“For several weeks our colonel couldn't eat anything, and seemed to feel +kind of billious. He didn't know what the trouble was till he went to the +doctor. He looked at the colonel a few moments, examined his tongue, and +told him right off that he had lost his cud. + +“He bragged a good deal on his diagnosis. He said he'd like to see the +disease he couldn't diagnose with one hand tied behind him. + +“He was always telling me how he had resuscitated a man they hung over at +T---- City in the early day. He was hung by mistake, it seemed. It was a +dark night and the Vigilance committee was in something of a hurry, having +another party to hang over at Dirty Woman's ranch that night, and so they +erroneously hung a quiet young feller from Illinois, who had been sent +west to cure a case of bronchitis. He was right in the middle of an +explanation when the head vigilanter kicked the board from under him and +broke his neck. + +[Illustration: BURIED WITH MILITARY HONORS.] + +“All at once, some one said: 'My God, we have made a ridiculous blunder. +Boys, we can't be too careful about hanging total strangers. A few more +such breaks as these, and people from the States will hesitate about +coming here to make their homes. We have always claimed that this was a +good country for bronchitis, but if we write to Illinois and tell this +young feller's parents the facts, we needn't look for a very large hegira +from Illinois next season. Doc., can't you do anything for the young man?' + +“Then this young physician stepped forward, he says, and put his knee on +the back of the boy's neck, give it a little push, at the same time pulled +the head back with a snap that straightened the neck, and the young +feller, who was in the middle of a large word, something like 'contumely,' +when the barrel tipped over, finished out the word and went right on with +the explanation. The doctor said he lived a good many years, and was loved +and esteemed by all who knew him. + +“The doctor was always telling of his triumphs in surgery. He did save a +good many lives, too, toward the close of the war. He did it in an odd +way, too. + +“He had about one year more to serve, and, with his doctoring on one side +and the hostility of the enemy on the other, our regiment was wore down to +about five hundred men. Everybody said we couldn't stand it more than +another year. One day, however, the doctor had just measured a man for a +porus plaster, and had laid the stub of his cigar carefully down on the +top of a red powder-keg, when there was a slight atmospheric disturbance, +the smell of burnt clothes, and our regiment had to apply for a new +surgeon. + +“The wife of our late surgeon wrote to have her husband's remains +forwarded to her, but I told her that it would be very difficult to do so, +owing to the nature of the accident. I said, however, that we had found an +upper set of store teeth imbedded in a palmetto tree near by, and had +buried them with military honors, erecting over the grave a large board, +on which was inscribed the name and age of the deceased and this +inscription: + +“_Not dead, but spontaneously distributed. Gone to meet his glorified +throng of patients. Ta, ta, vain world_.” + + + + +Absent Minded. + +I remember an attorney, who practiced law out West years ago, who used to +fill his pipe with brass paper fasteners, and try to light it with a +ruling pen about twice a day. That was his usual average. + +He would talk in unknown tongues, and was considered a thorough and +revised encyclopedia on everything from the tariff on a meerschaum pipe to +the latitude of Crazy Woman's Fork west of Greenwich, and yet if he went +to the postoffice he would probably mail his pocketbook and carefully +bring his letter back to the office. + +One day he got to thinking about the Monroe doctrine, or the sudden and +horrible death of Judas Iscariot, and actually lost his office. He walked +up and down for an hour, scouring the town for the evanescent office that +had escaped his notice while he was sorrowing over the shocking death of +Judas, or Noah's struggles against malaria and a damp, late spring. + +Martin Luther Brandt was the name of this eccentric jurist. He got up in +the night once, and dressed himself, and taking a night train in that +dreamy way of his, rode on to Denver, took the Rio Grande train in the +morning and drifted away into old Mexico somewhere. He must have been in +that same old half comatose state when he went away, for he made a most +ludicrous error in getting his wife in the train. When he arrived in old +Mexico he found that he had brought another man's wife, and by some +strange oversight had left his own at home with five children. It hardly +seems possible that a man could be so completely enveloped in a brown +study that he would err in the matter of a wife and five children, but +such was the case with Martin Luther. Martin Luther couldn't tell you his +own name if you asked him suddenly, so as to give him a nervous shock. + +This dreamy, absent-minded, wool-gathering disease is sometimes +contagious. Pretty soon after Martin Luther struck Mexico the malignant +form of brown study broke out among the greasers, and an alarming mania +on the somnambulistic order seemed to follow it. A party of Mexican +somnambuloes one night got together, and while the disease was at its +height tied Martin Luther to the gable of a 'dobe hen palace. His soul +is probably at this moment floundering around through space, trying to +find the evergreen shore. + +An old hunter, who was a friend of mine, had this odd way of walking +aimlessly around with his thoughts in some other world. + +I used to tell him that some day he would regret it, but he only laughed +and continued to do the same fool thing. + +Last fall he saw a grizzly go into a cave in the upper waters of the +Platte, and strolled in there to kill her. As he has not returned up to +this moment, I am sure he has erroneously allowed himself to get mixed up +as to the points of the compass, and has fallen a victim to this fatal +brown study. Some think that the brown study had hair on it. + + + + +Woman's Wonderful Influence. + +“Woman wields a wonderful influence over man's destinies,” said Woodtick +William, the other day, as he breathed gently on a chunk of blossom rock +and then wiped it carefully with the tail of his coat. + +“Woman in most cases is gentle and long suffering, but if you observe +close for several consecutive weeks you will notice that she generally +gets there with both feet. + +“I've been quite a student of the female mind myself. I have, therefore, +had a good deal of opportunity to compare the everedge man with the +everedge woman as regards ketchin' on in our great general farewell +journey to the tomb. + +[Illustration: “YOU GO ON WITH YOUR PETITION.”] + +“Woman has figgered a good deal in my own destinies. My first wife was a +large, powerful woman, who married me before I hardly knew it. She married +me down near Provost, in an early day. Her name was Lorena. The name +didn't seem to suit her complexion and phizzeek as a general thing. It was +like calling the fat woman in the museum Lily. Lorena was a woman of great +strength of purpose. She was also strong in the wrists. Lorena was of +foreign extraction, with far-away eyes and large, earnest red hands. You +ought to have saw her preserve order during the hour for morning prayers. +I had a hired man there in Utah, in them days, who was inclined to be a +scoffer at our plain home-made style of religion. So I told Lorena that I +was a little afraid that Orlando Whoopenkaugh would rise up suddenly while +I was at prayer and spatter my thinker all over the cook stove, or create +some other ruction that would cast a gloom over our devotions. + +“Lorena said: 'Never mind, William. You are more successful in prayer, +while I am more successful in disturbances. You go on with your petition, +and I will preserve order.” + +“Lorena saved my life once in a singular manner. Being a large, powerful +woman, of course she no doubt preserved me from harm a great many times; +but on this occasion it was a clear case. + +“I was then sinking on the Coopon claim, and had got the prospect shaft +down a couple of hundred foot and was drifting for the side wall with +indifferent success. We was working a day shift of six men, blasting, +hysting and a little timbering. I was in charge of the crew and eastern +capital was furnishing the ready John Davis, if you will allow me that low +term. + +[Illustration: LORENA JUMPING NINE FEET HIGH.] + +“Lorena and me had been a little edgeways for several days, owing to a +little sassy remark made by her and a retort on my part in which I +thoughtlessly alluded to her brother, who was at that time serving out a +little term for life down at Canyon City, and who, if his life is spared, +is at it yet. If I wanted to make Lorena jump nine feet high and holler, +all I had to do was just to allude in a jeering way to her family record, +so she got madder and madder, till at last it ripened into open hostility, +and about noon on the 13th day of September Lorena attacked me with a +large butcher knife and drove me into the adjoining county. She told me, +also, that if I ever returned to Provost she would cut me in two right +between the pancreas and the watch pocket and feed me to the hens. + +“I thought if she felt that way about it I would not return. I felt so +hurt and so grieved about it that I never stopped till I got to Omaha. +Then I heard how Lorena, as a means in the hands of Providence, had saved +my unprofitable life. + +“When she got back to the house and had put away her butcher knife, a man +came rushing in to tell her that the boys had struck a big pay streak of +water, and that the whole crew in the Coopon was drowned, her husband +among the rest. + +“Then it dawned on Lorena how she had saved me, and for the first time in +her life she burst into tears. People who saw her said her grief was +terrible. Tears are sad enough when shed by a man, but when we see a +strong woman bowed in grief, we shudder. + +“No one who has never deserted his wife at her urgent request can fully +realize the pain and anguish it costs. I have been married many times +since, but the sensation is just the same to-day as it was the first time +I ever deserted my wife. + +“As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man's whole +life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, though, I +should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if possible, +less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these petty little +tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does with every +cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have confidence +in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or not. Do not +seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see whether he has +been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock him into a +drunkard's grave, sure pop. He will at first lie about it, then he will +use disinfectants for the breath, and then he will stay away till he gets +over it. The timid young man says, 'Pass the cloves, please. I've got to +get ready to go home pretty soon.' The man whose wife really has fun with +him says, 'Well, boys, good-night. I'm sorry for you.' Then he goes home. + +“Very few men have had the opportunities for observation in a matrimonial +way that I have, William. You see, one man judges all the wives in +Christendom by his'n. Another does ditto, and so it goes. But I have made +matrimony a study. It has been a life-work for me. Others have simply +dabbled into it. I have studied all its phases and I am an expert. So I +say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by strategy and +winnin' ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is absolutely sure to +wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and while grass grows +and water runs, pardner, you will always find her presiding over man's +destinies and his ducats.” + + + + +Causes for Thanksgiving. + +We are now rapidly approaching the date of our great national +thanksgiving. Another year has almost passed by on the wings of tireless +time. + +Since last we gathered about the festive board and spattered the true +inwardness of the family gobbler over the table cloth, remorseless time, +who knows not the weight of weariness, has sought out the good, the true +and the beautiful, as well as the old, the sinful and the tough, and has +laid his heavy hand upon them. We have no more fitting illustration of the +great truth that death prefers the young and tender than the deceased +turkey upon which we are soon to operate. How still he lies, mowed down in +life's young morn to make a yankee holiday. + +How changed he seems! Once so gay and festive, now so still, so strangely +quiet and reserved. How calmly he lies, with his bare limbs buried in the +lurid atmosphere like those of a hippytehop artist on the west side. + +Soon the amateur carver will plunge the shining blade into the unresisting +bird, and the air will be filled with stuffing and half smothered +profanity. The Thanksgiving turkey is a grim humorist, and nothing pleases +him so well as to hide his joint in a new place and then flip over and +smile when the student misses it and buries the knife in the bosom of a +personal friend. Few men can retain their _sang froid_ before company when +they have to get a step ladder and take down the second joint and the +merry thought from the chandelier while people are looking at them. + +And what has the past year brought us? Speaking from a Republican +standpoint, it has brought us a large wad of dark blue gloom. Speaking +from a Democratic standpoint, it has been very prolific of fourth-class +postoffices worth from $200 down to $1.35 per annum. Politically, the past +year has been one of wonderful changes. Many have, during the year just +past, held office for the first time. Many, also, have gone out into the +cold world since last Thanksgiving and seriously considered the great +problem of how to invest a small amount of actual perspiration in plain +groceries. + +Many who considered the life of a politician to be one of high priced food +and inglorious ease, have found, now that they have the fruit, that it is +ashes on their lips. + +Our foreign relations have been mutually pleasant, and those who dwell +across the raging main, far removed from the refining influences of our +prohibitory laws, have still made many grand strides toward the +amelioration of our lost and undone race. Many foreigners who have never +experienced the pleasure of drinking mysterious beverages from gas +fixtures and burial caskets in Maine, or from a blind pig in Iowa, or a +Babcock fire extinguisher in Kansas, still enjoy life by bombarding the +Czar as he goes out after a scuttle of coal at night, or by putting a +surprise package of dynamite on the throne of a tottering dynasty, where +said tottering dynasty will have to sit down upon it and then pass rapidly +to another sphere of existence. + +Many startling changes have taken place since last November. The political +fabric in our own land has assumed a different hue, and men who a year ago +were unnoticed and unknown are even more so now. This is indeed a healthy +sign. No matter what party or faction may be responsible for this, I say +in a wholly non-partisan spirit, that I am glad of it. + +I am glad to notice that, owing to the active enforcement of the Edmunds +bill in Utah, polygamy has been made odorous. The day is not far distant +when Utah will be admitted as a State and her motto will be “one country, +one flag, and one wife at a time.” Then will peace and prosperity unite to +make the modern Zion the habitation of men. The old style of hand-made +valley tan will give place to a less harmful beverage, and we will welcome +the new sister in the great family circle of States, not clothed in the +disagreeable endowment robe, but dressed up in the Mother Hubbard wrapper, +with a surcingle around it, such as the goddess of liberty wears when she +has her picture taken. + +Crops throughout the northwest have been fairly good, though the gain +yield has been less in quantity and inferior in quality to that of last +year. A Democratic administration has certainly frowned upon the +professional, partisan office seekers, but it has been unable to stay the +onward march of the chintz bug or to produce a perceptible falling off in +pip among the yellow-limbed fowls. While Jeffersonian purity and economy +have seemed to rage with great virulence at Washington, in the northwest +heaves and botts among horses and common, old-fashioned hollow horn among +cattle have been the prevailing complaints. + +And yet there is much for which we should be thankful. Many broad-browed +men who knew how a good paper ought to be conducted, but who had no other +visible means of support, have passed on to another field of labor, +leaving the work almost solely in the hands of the vast army of novices +who at the present are at the head of journalism throughout the country, +and who sadly miss those timely words of caution that were wont to fall +from the lips of those men whose spirits are floating through space, +finding fault with the arrangement of the solar system. + +The fool-killer, in the meantime, has not been idle. With his old, rusty, +unloaded musket, he has gathered in enough to make his old heart swell +with pride, and to this number he has added many by using “rough on rats,” + a preparation that never killed anything except those that were +unfortunate enough to belong to the human family. + +Still the fool-killer has missed a good many on account of the great rush +of business in his line, and I presume that no one has a greater reason to +be thankful for this oversight than I have. + + + + +Farming in Maine. + +The State of Maine is a good place in which to experiment with +prohibition, but it is not a good place to farm it in very largely. + +In the first place, the season is generally a little reluctant. When I was +up near Moosehead Lake, a short time ago, people were driving across that +body of water on the ice with perfect impunity. That is one thing that +interferes with the farming business in Maine. If a young man is +sleigh-riding every night till midnight, he don't feel like hoeing corn +the following day. Any man who has ever had his feet frost-bitten while +bugging potatoes, will agree with me that it takes away the charm of +pastoral pursuits. It is this desire to amalgamate dog days and Santa +Claus, that has injured Maine as an agricultural hot-bed. + +[Illustration: A DAY-DREAM.] + +Another reason that might be assigned for refraining from agricultural +pursuits in Maine, is that the agitator of the soil finds when it is too +late that soil itself, which is essential to the successful propagation of +crops, has not been in use in Maine for years. While all over the State +there is a magnificent stone foundation on which a farm might safely rest, +the superstructure, or farm proper, has not been secured. + +If I had known when I passed through Minnesota and Illinois what a soil +famine there was in Maine, I would have brought some with me. The stone +crop this year in Maine will be very great. If they do not crack open +during the dry weather, there will be a great many. The stone bruise is +also looking unusually well for this season of the year, and chilblains +were in full bloom when I was there. + +In the neighborhood of Pittsfield, the country seems to run largely to +cold water and chattel mortgages. Some think that rum has always kept +Maine back, but I claim that it has been wet feet. In another article I +refer to the matter of rum in Maine more fully. + +The agricultural resources of Pittsfield and vicinity are not great, the +principal exports being spruce gum and Christmas trees. Here also the +huckleberry hath her home. But the country seems to run largely to +Christmas trees. They were not yet in bloom when I visited the State, so +it was too early to gather popcorn balls and Christmas presents. + +Here, near Pittsfield, is the birthplace of the only original wormless +dried apple pie, with which we generally insult our gastric economy when +we lunch along the railroad. These pies, when properly kiln-dried and +rivetted, with German silver monogram on top, if fitted out with Yale time +lock, make the best fire and burglar-proof wormless pies of commerce. They +take the place of civil war, and as a promoter of intestine strife they +have no equal. + +The farms in Maine are fenced in with stone walls. I do not know way this +is done, for I did not see anything on these farms that anyone would +naturally yearn to carry away with him. + +I saw some sheep in one of these enclosures. Their steel-pointed bills +were lying on the wall near them, and they were resting their jaws in the +crisp, frosty morning air. In another enclosure a farmer was planting +clover seed with a hypodermic syringe, and covering it with a mustard +plaster. He said that last year his clover was a complete failure because +his mustard plasters were no good. He had tried to save money by using +second-hand mustard plasters, and of course the clover seed, missing the +warm stimulus, neglected to rally, and the crop was a failure. + +Here may be noticed the canvas-back moose and a strong antipathy to good +rum. I do not wonder that the people of Maine are hostile to rum--if they +judge all rum by Maine rum. The moose is one of the most gamey of the +finny tribe. He is caught in the fall of the year with a double-barrel +shotgun and a pair of snow-shoes. He does not bite unless irritated, but +little boys should not go near the female moose while she is on her nest. +The masculine moose wears a harelip, and a hat rack on his head to which +is attached a placard on which is printed: + +PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS. + +This shows that the moose is a humorist. + + + + +Doosedly Dilatory. + +Since the investigation of Washington pension attorneys, it is a little +remarkable how scarce in the newspapers is the appearance of +advertisements like this. + +Pensions! Thousands of soldiers of the late war are still entitled to +pensions with the large accumulations since the injury was received. We +procure pensions, back pay, allowances. Appear in the courts for +nonresident clients in United States land cases, etc. Address Skinnem & +Co., Washington, D.C. + +I didn't participate in the late war, but I have had some experience in +putting a few friends and neighbors on the track of a pension. Those who +have tried it will remember some of the details. It always seemed to me a +little more difficult somehow for a man who had lost both legs at +Antietam, than for the man who got his nose pulled off at an election +three years after the war closed. It, of course, depended a good deal on +the extemporaneous affidavit qualifications of the applicant. About five +years ago an acquaintance came to me and said he wanted to get a pension +from the government, and that he hadn't the first idea about the details. +He didn't know whether he should apply to the President or to the +Secretary of State. Would I “kind of put him onto the racket.” I asked him +what he wanted a pension for, and he said his injury didn't show much, but +it prevented his pursuit of kopecks and happiness. He had nine children by +his first wife, and if he could get a pension he desired to marry again. + +As to the nature of his injuries, he said that at the battle of Fair Oaks +he supported his command by secreting himself behind a rail fence and +harassing the enemy from time to time, by a system of coldness and neglect +on his part. While thus employed in breaking the back of the Confederacy, +a solid shot struck a crooked rail on which he was sitting, in such a way +as to jar his spinal column. From this concussion he had never fully +recovered. He didn't notice it any more while sitting down and quiet, but +the moment he began to do manual labor or to stand on his feet too long, +unless he had a bar or something to lean up against, he felt the cold +chill run up his back and life was no object. + +I told him that I was too busy to attend to it, and asked him why he +didn't put his case in the hands of some Washington attorney, who could be +on the ground and attend to it. He decided that he would, so he wrote to +one of these philanthropists whom we will call Fitznoodle. I give him the +_nom de plume_ of Fitznoodle to nip a $20,000 libel suit in the bud. Well, +Fitznoodle sent back some blanks for the claimant to sign, by which he +bound himself, his heirs, executors, representatives and assigns, firmly +by these presents to pay to said Fitznoodle, the necessary fees for +postage, stationery, car fare, concert tickets, and office rent, while +said claim was in the hands of the pension department. He said in a letter +that he would have to ask for $2, please, to pay for postage. He inclosed +a circular in which he begged to refer the claimant to a reformed member +of the bar of the District of Columbia, a backslidden foreign minister and +three prominent men who had been dead eleven years by the watch. In a +postscript he again alluded to the $2 in a casual way, waved the American +flag two times, and begged leave to subscribe himself once more. “Yours +Fraternally and professionally, Good Samaritan Fitznoodle, Attorney at +Law, Solicitor in Chancery, and Promotor of Even-handed Justice in and for +the District of Columbia.” The claimant sent his $2, not necessarily for +publication, but as a guaranty of good faith. + +Later on Mr. Fitznoodle said that the first step would be to file a +declaration enclosing $5 and the names of two witnesses who were present +when the claimant was born, and could identify him as the same man who +enlisted from Emporia in the Thirteenth Kansas Nighthawks. Five dollars +must be enclosed to defray the expenses of a trip to the office of the +commissioner of pensions, which trip would naturally take in eleven +saloons and ten cents in car fare. “P.S.--Attach to the declaration the +signature and seal of a notary public of pure character, $5, the +certificate of the clerk of a court of record as to the genuineness of +the signature of the notary public, his term of appointment and $5.” + These documents were sent, after which there was a lull of about three +months. Then the swelling in Mr. Fitznoodle's head had gone down a +little, but there was still a seal brown taste in his mouth. So he wrote +the claimant that it would be necessary to jog the memory of the +department about $3 dollars worth; and to file collateral testimony +setting forth that claimant was a native born American or that he had +declared his intention to become a citizen of the United States, that he +had not formed nor expressed an opinion for or against the accused, which +the testimony would not eradicate, that he would enclose $3, and that he +had never before applied for a pension. After awhile a circular from the +pension end of the department was received, stating that the claimant's +application had been received, filed and docketed No. 188,935,062-1/2, on +page 9,847 of book G, on the thumb-hand side as you come in on the New +York train. On the strength of this document the claimant went to the +grocery and bought an ecru-colored ham, a sack of corn meal and a pound +of tobacco. In June Mr. Fitznoodle sent a blank to be filled out by the +claimant, stating whether he had or had not been baptized prior to his +enlistment; and, if so, to what extent, and how he liked it so far as he +had gone. This was to be sworn to before two witnesses, who were to be +male, if possible, and if not, the department would insist on their being +female. These witnesses must swear that they had no interest in the said +claim, or anything else. On receipt of this, together with $5 in +postoffice money order or New York draft, the document would be filed +and, no doubt, acted upon at once. In July, a note came from the attorney +saying that he regretted to write that the pension department was now +250,000 claims behind, and if business was taken up in its regular order, +the claim under discussion might not be reached for between nine and ten +years. However, it would be possible to “expedite” the claim, if $25 +could be remitted for the purpose of buying a spike-tail coat and plug +hat, in which to appear before the commissioner of pensions and mash him +flat on the shape of the attorney. As the claimant didn't know much of +the practical working of the machinery of government, he swallowed this +pill and remitted the $25. Here followed a good deal of red tape and +international monkeying during which the claimant was alternately taking +an oath to support the constitution of the United States, and promising +to support the constitution and by-laws of Mr. Fitznoodle. The claimant +was constantly assured that his claim was a good one and on these +autograph letters written with a type-writer, the war-born veteran with a +concussed vertebra bought groceries and secured the funds to pay his +assessments. + +For a number of years I heard nothing of the claim, but a few months ago, +when Mr. Fitznoodle was arrested and jerked into the presence of the grand +jury, a Washington friend wrote me that the officers found in his table a +letter addressed to the man who was jarred in the rear of the Union army, +and in which (the letter, I mean), he alluded to the long and pleasant +correspondence which had sprung up between them as lawyer and client, and +regretting that, as the claim would soon be allowed, their friendly +relations would no doubt cease, would he please forward $13 to pay freight +on the pension money, and also a lock of his hair that Mr. Fitznoodle +could weave into a watchchain and wear always. As the claimant does not +need the papers, he probably thinks by this time that Mr. Good Samaritan +Fitznoodle has been kidnapped and thrown into the moaning, hungry sea. + + + + +Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger. + +It would please me very much, at no distant day, to issue a small book +filled with choice recipes and directions for making home happy. I have +accumulated an immense assortment of these things, all of general use and +all excellent in their way, because they have been printed in papers all +over the country--papers that would not be wrong. Some of these recipes I +have tried. + +I have tried the recipe for paste and directions for applying wall paper, +as published recently in an agricultural paper to which I had become very +much attached. + +This recipe had all the characteristics of an ingenuous and honest +document. I cut it out of the paper and filed it away where I came very +near not finding it again. But I was unfortunate enough to find it after a +long search. + +The scheme was to prepare a flour paste that would hold forever, and at +the same time make the paper look smooth and neat to the casual observer. +It consisted of so many parts flour, so many parts hot water and so many +parts common glue. First, the walls were to be sized, however. I took a +common tape measure and sized the walls. + +Then I put a dishpan on the cook stove, poured in the flour, boiling water +and glue. This rapidly produced a dark brown mess of dough, to which I was +obliged to add more hot water. It looked extremely repulsive to me, but it +looked a good deal better than it smelled. + +I did not have much faith in it, but I thought I would try it. I put some +of it on a long strip of wall paper and got up on a chair to apply it. In +the excitement of trying to stick it on the wall as nearly perpendicular +as possible, I lost my balance while still holding the paper and fell in +such a manner as to wrap four yards of bronze paper and common flour paste +around my wife's head, with the exception of about four feet of the paper +which I applied to an oil painting of a Gordon Setter in a gilt frame. + +I decline to detail the dialogue which then took place between my wife and +myself. Whatever claim the public may have on me, it has no right to +demand this. It will continue to remain sacred. That is, not so very +sacred of course, if I remember my exact language at the time, but +sacredly secret from the prying eyes of the public. + +It is singular, but it is none the less the never dying truth, that the +only time that paste ever stuck anything at all, was when I applied it to +my wife and that picture. After that it did everything but adhere. It +gourmed and it gummed everything, but that was all. + +The man who wrote the recipe may have been stuck on it, but nothing else +ever was. + +[Illustration: I LOST MY BALANCE.] + +Finally a friend came along who helped me pick the paper off the dog and +soothe my wife. He said that what this paste needed was more glue and a +quart of molasses. I added these ingredients, and constructed a quart of +chemical molasses which looked like crude ginger bread in a molten state. + +Then, with the aid of my friend, I proceeded to paper the room. The paper +would seem to adhere at times, and then it would refrain from adhering. +This was annoying, but we succeeded in applying the paper to the walls in +a way that showed we were perfectly sincere about it. We didn't seek to +mislead anybody or cover up anything. Any one could see where each roll of +paper tried to be amicable with its neighbor--also where we had tried the +laying on of hands in applying the paper. + +We got all the paper on in good shape--also the bronze. But they were in +different places. The paper was on the walls, but the bronze was mostly on +our clothes and on our hands. I was very tired when I got through, and I +went to bed early, hoping to get much needed rest. In the morning, when I +felt fresh and rested, I thought that the paper would look better to me. + +There is where I fooled myself. It did not look better to me. It looked +worse. + +All night long I could occasionally hear something crack like a Fourth of +July. I did not know at the time what it was, but in the morning I +discovered. + +It seems that, during the night, that paper had wrinkled itself up like +the skin on the neck of a pioneer hen after death. It had pulled itself +together with so much zeal that the room was six inches smaller each way +and the carpet didn't fit. + +There is only one way to insure success in the publication of recipes. +They must be tried by the editor himself before they are printed. If you +have a good recipe for paste, you must try it before you print it. If you +have a good remedy for botts, you must get a botty horse somewhere and try +the remedy before you submit it. If you think of publishing the antidote +for a certain poison, you should poison some one and try the antidote on +him, in order to test it, before you bamboozle the readers of your paper. + +This, of course, will add a good deal of extra work for the editor, but +editors need more work. All they do now is to have fun with each other, +draw their princely salaries, and speak sarcastically of the young poet +who sings, + + “You have came far o'er the sea, + And I've went away from thee.” + + + + +Sixty Minutes in America. + +The following selections are from the advance sheets of a forthcoming work +with the above title, to be published by M. Foll de Roll. It is possible +that other excerpts will be made from the book, in case the present +harmonious state of affairs between France and America is not destroyed by +my style of translation. + +In the preface M. Foll de Roll says: “France has long required a book of +printed writings about that large, wide land of whom we listen to so much +and yet so little _sabe_, as the piquant Californian shall say. America is +considerable. America I shall call vast. She care nothing how high freedom +shall come, she must secure him. She exclaims to all people: 'You like +freedom pretty well, but you know nothing of it. We throw away every day +more freedom than you shall see all your life. Come to this place when you +shall run out of freedom. We make it. Do not ask us for money, but if you +want personal liberty, please look over our vast stock before you +elsewhere go.' + +“So everybody goes to America, where he shall be free to pay cash for what +the American has for sale. + +“In this book will be found everything that the French people want to know +of that singular land, for did I not cross it from New Jersey City, the +town where all the New York people have to go to get upon the cars, +through to the town of San Francisco? + +“For years the writer of this book has had it in his mind to go across +America, and then tell the people of France, in a small volume costing one +franc, all about the grotesque land of the freedom bird.” + + +In the opening chapter he alludes to New York casually, and apologizes for +taking up so much space. + +“When you shall land in New York, you shall feel a strange sensation. The +stomach is not so what we should call 'Rise up William Riley,' to use an +Americanism which will not bear translation. I ride along the Rue de +Twenty-three, and want to eat everything my eyes shall fall upon. + +“I stay at New York all night, and eat one large supper at 6 o'clock, and +again at 9. At 12 I awake and eat the inside of my hektograph, and then +lie down once more to sleep. The hektograph will be henceforth, as the +American shall say, no good, but what is that when a man is starving in a +foreign land? + +“I leave New York in the morning on the Ferry de Pavonia, a steamer that +goes to New Jersey City. Many people go to New York to buy food and +clothes. Then you shall see them return to the woods, where they live the +rest of the time. Some of the females are quite _petite_ and, as the +Americans have it, 'scrumptious.' One stout girl at New Jersey City, I was +told, was 'all wool and a yard wide.' + +“The relations between New York and New Jersey City are quite amicable, +and the inhabitants seem to spend much of their time riding to and fro on +the Ferry de Pavonia and other steamers. When I talked to them in their +own language they would laugh with great glee, and say they could not +parley voo Norwegian very good. + +“The Americans are very fond of witnessing what may be called the +_tournament de slug_. In this, two men wearing upholstered mittens shake +hands, and then one strikes at the other with his right hand, so as to +mislead him, and, while he is taking care of that, the first man hits him +with his left and knocks out some of his teeth. Then the other man spits +out his loose teeth and hits his antagonist on the nose, or feeds him with +the thumb of his upholstered mitten for some time. Half the gate money +goes to the hospital where these men are in the habit of being repaired. + +“One of these men, who is now the champion scrapper, as one American +author has it, was once a poor boy, but he was proud and ambitious. So he +practiced on his wife evenings, after she had washed the dishes, until he +found that he could 'knock her out,' as the American has it. Then he tried +it on other relatives, and step by step advanced till he could make almost +any man in America cough up pieces of this upholstered mitten which he +wears in public. + +“In closing this chapter on New York, I may say that I have not said so +much of the city itself as I would like, but enough so that he who reads +with care may feel somewhat familiar with it. New York is situated on the +east side of America, near New Jersey City. The climate is cool and frosty +a part of the year, but warm and temperate in the summer months. The +surface is generally level, but some of the houses are quite tall. + +“I would not advise Frenchmen to go to New York now, but rather to wait +until the pedestal of M. Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty has been paid for. +Many foreigners have already been earnestly permitted to help pay for this +pedestal.” + + + + +Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss. + +There are a good many difficult things to ride, I find, beside the bicycle +and the bucking Mexican plug. Those who have tried to mount and +successfully ride a wheelbarrow in the darkness of the stilly night will +agree with me. + +You come on a wheelbarrow suddenly when it is in a brown study, and you +undertake to straddle it, so to speak, and all at once you find the +wheelbarrow on top. I may say, I think, safely, that the wheelbarrow is, +as a rule, phlegmatic and cool; but when a total stranger startles it, it +spreads desolation and destruction on every hand. + +This is also true of the perambulator, or baby-carriage. I undertook to +evade a child's phaeton, three years ago last spring, as it stood in the +entrance to a hall in Main street. The child was not injured, because it +was not in the carriage at the time; but I was not so fortunate. I pulled +pieces of perambulator out of myself for two weeks with the hand that was +not disabled. + +How a sedentary man could fall through a child's carriage in such a manner +as to stab himself with the awning and knock every spoke out of three +wheels, is still a mystery to me, but I did it. I can show you the +doctor's bill now. + +The other day, however, I discovered a new style of riding animal. The +Rev. Mr. Hallelujah was at the depot when I arrived, and was evidently +waiting for the same Chicago train that I was in search of. Rev. Mr. +Hallelujah had put his valise down near an ordinary baggage-truck which +leaned up against the wall of the station building. + +He strolled along the platform a few moments, communing with himself and +agitating his mind over the subject of Divine Retribution, and then he +went up and leaned against the truck. Finally, he somehow got his arms +under the handles of the truck as it stood up between his back and the +wall. He still continued to think of the plan of Divine Retribution, and +you could have seen his lips move if you had been there. + +Pretty soon some young ladies came along, rosy in winter air, beautiful +beyond compare, frosty crystals in their hair; smiled they on the preacher +there. + +He returned the smile and bowed low. As he did so, as near as I can figure +it out, he stepped back on the iron edge of the truck that the baggageman +generally jabs under the rim of an iron-bound sample-trunk when he goes to +load it. Anyhow, Mr. Hallelujah's feet flew toward next spring. The truck +started across the platform with him and spilled him over the edge on the +track ten feet below. So rapid was the movement that the eye with +difficulty followed his evolutions. His valise was carried onward by the +same wild avalanche, and “busted” open before it struck the track below. + +I was surprised to see some of the articles that shot forth into the broad +light of day. Among the rest there was a bran fired new set of ready-made +teeth, to be used in case of accident. Up to that moment I didn't know +that Mr. Hallelujah used the common tooth of commerce. These teeth slipped +out of the valise with a Sabbath smile and vulcanized rubber gums. + +[Illustration: A RAPID MOVEMENT.] + +In striking the iron track below, the every-day set which the Rev. Mr. +Hallelujah had in use became loosened, and smiled across the road-bed and +right of way at the bran fired new array of incisors, cuspids, bi-cuspids +and molars that flew out of the valise. Mr. Hallelujah got up and tried to +look merry, but he could not smile without his teeth. The back seams of +his Newmarket coat were more successful, however. + +Mr. Hallelujah's wardrobe and a small boy were the only objects that dared +to smile. + + + + +Somnambulism and Crime. + +A recent article in the London _Post_ on the subject of somnambulism, +calls to my mind several little incidents with somnambulistic tendencies +in my own experience. + +This subject has, indeed, attracted my attention for some years, and it +has afforded me great pleasure to investigate it carefully. + +Regarding the causes of dreams and somnambulism, there are many theories, +all of which are more or less untenable. My own idea, given, of course, in +a plain, crude way, is that thoughts originate on the inside of the brain +and then go at once to the surface, where they have their photographs +taken, with the understanding that the negatives are to be preserved. In +this way the thought may afterward be duplicated back to the thinker in +the form of a dream, and, if the impulse be strong enough, muscular action +and somnambulism may result. + +On the banks of Bitter Creek, some years ago, lived an open-mouthed man, +who had risen from affluence by his unaided effort until he was entirely +free from any incumbrance in the way of property. His mind dwelt on this +matter a great deal during the day. Thoughts of manual labor flitted +through his mind, but were cast aside as impracticable. Then other means +of acquiring property suggested themselves. These thoughts were +photographed on the delicate negative of the brain, where it is a rule to +preserve all negatives. At night these thoughts were reversed within the +think resort, if I may be allowed that term, and muscular action resulted. +Yielding at last to the great desire for possessions and property the +somnambulist groped his way to the corral of a total stranger, and +selecting a choice mule with great dewy eyes and real camel's hair tail, +he fled. On and on he pressed, toward the dark, uncertain west, till at +last rosy morn clomb the low, outlying hills and gilded the gray outlines +of the sage-brush. The coyote slunk back to his home, but the somnambulist +did not. + +He awoke as day dawned, and, when he found himself astride the mule of +another, a slight shudder passed the entire length of his frame. He then +fully realized that he had made his debut as a somnambulist. He seemed to +think that he who starts out to be a somnambulist should never turn back. +So he pressed on, while the red sun stepped out into the awful quiet of +the dusty waste and gradually moved up into the sky, and slowly added +another day to those already filed away in the dark maw of ages. + + +Night came again at last, and with it other somnambulists similar to the +first, only that they were riding on their own beasts. Some somnambulists +ride their own animals, while others are content to bestride the steeds of +strangers. + +The man on the anonymous mule halted at last at the mouth of a deep canon. +He did so at the request of other somnambulists. Mechanically he got down +from the back of the mule and stood under a stunted mountain pine. + +After awhile he began to ascend the tree by means of his neck. When he had +reached the lower branch of the tree he made a few gestures with his feet +by a lateral movement of the legs. He made several ineffectual efforts to +kick some pieces out of the horizon, and then, after he had gently +oscilliated a few times, he assumed a pendent and perpendicular position +at right angles with the limb of the tree. + +The other somnambulists then took the mule safely back to his corral, and +the tragedy of a night was over. + +The London _Post_ very truly says that where somnambulism can be proved it +is a good defense in a criminal action. It was so held in this case. + +Various methods are suggested for rousing the somnambulist, such as +tickling the feet, for instance; but in all my own experience, I never +knew of a more radical or permanent cure than the one so imperfectly given +above. It might do in some cases to tickle the feet of a somnambulist +discovered in the act of riding away on an anonymous mule, but how could +you successfully tickle the soles of his feet while he is standing on +them? In such cases, the only true way would be to suspend the +somnambulist in such a way as to give free access to the feet from below, +and, at the same time, give him a good, wide horizon to kick at. + + + + +Modern Architecture. + +It may be premature, perhaps, but I desire to suggest to anyone who may be +contemplating the erection of a summer residence for me, as a slight +testimonial of his high regard for my sterling worth and symmetrical +escutcheon--a testimonial more suggestive of earnest admiration and warm +personal friendship than of great intrinsic value, etc., etc., etc., that +I hope he will not construct it on the modern plan of mental hallucination +and morbid delirium tremens peculiar to recent architecture. + +Of course, a man ought not to look a gift house in the gable end, but if +my friends don't know me any better than to build me a summer cottage and +throw in odd windows that nobody else wanted, and then daub it up with +colors they have bought at auction and applied to the house after dark +with a shotgun, I think it is time that we had a better understanding. + +[Illustration: THE ARCHITECT.] + +Such a structure does not come within either of the three classes of +renaissance. It is neither Florentine, Roman, or Venetian. Any man can +originate such a style if he will only drink the right kind of whiskey +long enough and then describe the feelings to an amanuensis. + +Imagine the sensation that one of these modern, sawed-off cottages would +create a hundred years from now, if it should survive! But that is +impossible. The only cheering feature of the whole matter is that these +creatures of a disordered imagination must soon pass away, and the bright +sunlight of hard horse sense shine in through the shattered dormers and +gables and gnawed-off architecture of the average summer resort. + +A friend of mine a few days ago showed me his new house with much pride. +He asked me what I thought of it. I told him I liked it first-rate. Then I +went home and wept all night. It was my first falsehood. + +The house, taken as a whole, looked to me like a skating rink that had +started out to make money, and then suddenly changed its mind and resolved +to become a tannery. Then ten feet higher it lost all self-respect and +blossomed into a full-blown drunk and disorderly, surrounded by the +smokestack of a foundry and the bright future of thirty days ahead with +the chain gang. That's the way it looked to me. + +The roofs were made of little odds and ends of misfit rafters and +distorted shingles that somebody had purchased at a sheriff's sale, and +the rooms and stairs were giddy in the extreme. + +I went in and rambled around among the cross-eyed staircases and other +night-mares till reason tottered on her throne. Then I came out and stood +on the architectural wart, called the side porch, to get fresh air. This +porch was painted a dull red, and it had wooden rosettes at the corners +that looked like a new carbuncle on the nose of a social wreck. + +Farther up on the demoralized lumber pile I saw, now and then, places +where the workman's mind had wandered and he had nailed on his clapboards +wrong side up, and then painted them with Paris green that he had intended +to use on something else. + +It was an odd looking structure, indeed. If my friend got all the material +for nothing from people who had fragments of paint and lumber left over +after they failed, and then if the workmen constructed it of night for +mental relaxation and intellectual repose, without charge, of course the +scheme was a financial success, but architecturally the house is a gross +violation of the statutes in such cases made and provided, and against the +peace and dignity of the State. + +There is a look of extreme poverty about the structure which a man might +struggle for years to acquire and then fail. No one could look upon it +without a feeling of heartache for the man who built that house, and +probably struggled on year after year, building a little at a time as he +could steal the lumber, getting a new workman each year, building a knob +here and a protuberance there, putting in a three-cornered window at one +point and a yellow tile or a wad of broken glass and other debris at +another, patiently filling in around the ranch with any old rubbish that +other people had got through with, painting it as he went along, taking +what was left in the bottom of the pots after his neighbors had painted +their bob-sleds or their tree boxes--little favors thankfully +received--and then surmounting the whole pile with a potpourri of roof, +and grand farewell incubus of humps and hollows for the rain to wander +through and seek out the different cells where the lunatics live who +inhabit it. + +I did tell my friend one thing that I thought would improve the looks of +his house. He asked me eagerly what it could be. I said it would take a +man of great courage to do it for him. He said he didn't care for that. He +would do it himself. If it only needed one thing he would never rest till +he had it, whatever that might be. + +Then I told him that if he had a friend--one he could trust--who would +steal in there some night while the family were away, and scratch a match +on the leg of his breeches, or on the breeches of any other gentleman who +happened to be present, and hold it where it would ignite the alleged +house, and then remain near there to see that the fire department did not +meddle with it, he would confer a great favor on one who would cheerfully +retaliate in kind on call. + + + + +Letter to a Communist. + +Dear Sir.--Your courteous letter of the 1st instant, in which you +cordially consent to share my wealth and dwell together with me in +fraternal sunshine, is duly received. While I dislike to appear cold and +distant to one who seems so yearnful and so clinging, and while I do not +wish to be regarded as purse-proud or arrogant, I must decline your kind +offer to whack up. You had not heard, very likely, that I am not now a +Communist. I used to be, I admit, and the society no doubt neglected to +strike my name off the roll of active members. For a number of years I was +quite active as a Communist. I would have been more active, but I had +conscientious scruples against being active in anything then. + +While you may be perfectly sincere in your belief that the great +capitalists like Mr. Gould and Mr. Vanderbilt should divide with you, you +will have great difficulty in making it perfectly clear to them. They will +probably demur and delay, and hem and haw, and procrastinate, till finally +they will get out of it in some way. Still, I do not wish to throw cold +water on your enterprise. If the other capitalists look favorably on the +plan, I will cheerfully co-operate with them. You go and see what you can +do with Mr. Vanderbilt, and then come to me. + +You go on at some length to tell me how the most of the wealth is in the +hands of a few men, and then you attack those men and refer to them in a +way that makes my blood run cold. You tell the millionaires of America to +beware, for the hot breath of a bloody-handed Nemesis is already in the +air. + +[Illustration: PRACTICAL COMMUNISM.] + +You may say to Nemesis, if you please, that I have a double-barreled +shotgun standing at the head of my bed every night, and that I am in the +Nemesis business. You also refer to the fact that the sleuth-hounds of +eternal justice are camped on the trail of the pampered millionaire, and +you ask us to avaunt. If you see the other sleuth-hounds of your society +within a week or two, I wish you would say to them that at a regular +meeting of the millionaires of this country, after the minutes of the +previous meeting had been read and approved, we voted almost unanimously +to discourage any sleuth-hound that we found camped on our trail after ten +o'clock, P.M. Sleuth-hounds who want to ramble over our trails during +office hours may do so with the utmost impunity, but after ten o'clock we +want to use our trails for other purposes. No man wants to go to the great +expense of maintaining a trail winter and summer, and then leave it out +nights for other people to use and return it when they get ready. + +I do not censure you, however. If you could convince every one of the +utility of Communism, it would certainly be a great boon--to you. To those +who are now engaged in feeding themselves with flat beer out of a tomato +can, such a change as you suggest would fall like a ray of sunshine in a +rat-hole, but alas! it may never be. I tried it awhile, but my efforts +were futile. The effect of my great struggle seemed to be that men's +hearts grew more and more stony, and my pantaloons got thinner and thinner +on the seat, 'till it seemed to me that the world never was so cold. Then +I made some experiments in manual labor. As I began to work harder and sit +down less, I found that the world was not so cold. It was only when I sat +down a long time that I felt how cold and rough the world really was. + +Perhaps it is so with you. Sedentary habits and stale beer are apt to make +us morbid. Sitting on the stone door sills of hallways and public +buildings during cold weather is apt to give you an erroneous impression +of life. + +Of course I am willing to put my money into a common fund if I can be +convinced that it is best. I was an inside passenger on a Leadville coach +some years ago, when a few of your friends suggested that we all put our +money into a common fund, and I was almost the first one to see that they +were right. They went away into the mountains to apportion the money they +got from our party, but I never got any dividend. Probably they lost my +post-office address. + + + + +The Warrior's Oration. + +Warriors! We are met here to-day to celebrate the white man's Fourth of +July. I do not know what the Fourth of July has done for us that we should +remember his birthday, but it matters not. Another summer is on the wane, +and so are we. We are the walleyed waners from Wanetown. We have +monopolized the wane business of the whole world. + +Autumn is almost here, and we have not yet gone upon the war path. The +pale face came among us with the corn planter and the Desert Land Act, and +we bow before him. + +What does the Fourth of July signify to us? It is a hollow mockery! Where +the flag of the white man now waves in the breeze, a few years ago the +scalp of our foe was hanging in the air. Now my people are seldom. Some +are dead and others drunk. + +Once we chased the deer and the buffalo across the plains, and lived high. +Now we eat the condemned corned beef of the oppressor, and weep over the +graves of our fallen braves. A few more moons and I, too, shall cross over +to the Happy Reservation. + +Once I could whoop a couple of times and fill the gulch with warlike +athletes. Now I may whoop till the cows come home and only my sickly howl +comes back to me from the hillsides. I am as lonely as the greenback +party. I haven't warriors enough to carry one precinct. + +Where are the proud chieftains of my tribe? Where are Old Weasel Asleep +and Orlando the Hie Jacet Promoter? Where are Prickly Ash Berry and The +Avenging Wart? Where are The Roman-nosed Pelican and Goggle-eyed Aleck, +The-man-who-rides-the-blizzard-bareback? + +They are extremely gone. They are extensively whence. Ole Blackhawk, in +whose veins flows the blood of many chiefs, is sawing wood for the Belle +of the West deadfall for the whiskey. He once rode the war pony into the +fray and buried his tomahawk in the phrenology of his foe. Now he +straddles the saw-buck and yanks the woodsaw athwart the bosom of the +basswood chunk. + +My people once owned this broad land; but the Pilgrim Fathers (where are +they?) came and planted the baked bean and the dried apple, and my tribe +vamoosed. Once we were a nation. Now we are the tin can tied to the +American eagle. + +Warriors! This should be a day of jubilee, but how can the man rejoice who +has a boil on his nose? How can the chief of a once proud people shoot +firecrackers and dance over the graves of his race? How can I be hilarious +with the victor, on whose hands are the blood of my children? + +If we had known more of the white man, we would have made it red hot for +him four hundred years ago when he came to our coast. We fed him and +clothed him as a white-skinned curiosity then, but we didn't know there +were so many of him. All he wanted then was a little smoking tobacco and +love. Now he feeds us on antique pork, and borrows our annuities to build +a Queen Anne wigwam with a furnace in the bottom and a piano in the top. + +Warriors! My words are few. Tears are idle and unavailing. If I had +scalding tears enough for a mill site, I would not shed a blamed one. The +warrior suffers, but he never squeals. He accepts the position and says +nothing. He wraps his royal horse blanket around his Gothic bones and is +silent. + +But the pale face cannot tickle us with a barley straw on the Fourth of +July and make us laugh. You can kill the red man, but you cannot make him +hilarious over his own funeral. These are the words of truth, and my +warriors will do well to paste them in their plug hats for future +reference. + + + + +The Holy Terror. + +While in New England trying in my poor, weak way to represent the “rowdy +west,” I met a sad young man who asked me if I lived in Chi-eene. I told +him that if he referred to Cheyenne, I had been there off and on a good +deal. + +He said he was there not long ago, but did not remain. He bought some +clothes in Chicago, so that he could appear in Chi-eene as a “holy terror” + when he landed there, and thus in a whole town of “holy terrors” he would +not attract attention. + +I am not, said he, by birth or instinct, a holy terror, but I thought I +would like to try it a little while, anyhow. I got one of those Chicago +sombreros with a gilt fried cake twisted around it for a band. Then I got +a yellow silk handkerchief on the ten cent counter to tie around my neck. +Then I got a suit of smoke-tanned buckskin clothes and a pair of +moccasins. I had never seen a bad, bad man from Chi-eene, but I had seen +pictures of them and they all wore moccasins. The money that I had left I +put into a large revolver and a butcher knife with a red Morocco sheath to +it. The revolver was too heavy for me to hold in one hand and shoot, but +by resting it on a fence I could kill a cow easy enough if she wasn't too +blamed restless. + +I went out to the stock yards in Chicago one afternoon and practiced with +my revolver. One of my thumbs is out there at the stock yards now. + +At Omaha I put on my new suit and sent my human clothes home to my father. +He told me when I came away that when I got out to Wyoming, probably I +wouldn't want to attract attention by wearing clothes, and so I could send +my clothes back to him and he would be glad to have them. + +At Sidney I put on my revolver and went into the eating house to get my +dinner. A tall man met me at the door and threw me about forty feet in an +oblique manner. I asked him if he meant anything personal by that and he +said not at all, not at all. I then asked him if he would not allow me to +eat my dinner and he said that depended on what I wanted for my dinner. If +I would lay down my arms and come back to the reservation and remain +neutral to the Government and eat cooked food, it would be all right, but +if I insisted on eating raw dining-room girls and scalloped young ladies, +he would bar me out. + +We landed at Chi-eene in the evening. They had hacks and 'busses and +carriages till you couldn't rest, all standing there at the depot, and a +large colored man in a loud tone of voice remarked: “INTEROCEAN +HO-TEL!!!!” + +[Illustration: A REAL COWBOY.] + +I went there myself. It had doors and windows to it, and carpets and gas. +The young man who showed me to my room was very polite to me. He seemed to +want to get acquainted. He said: + +“You are from New Hampshire, are you not?” + +I told him not to give it away, but I was from New Hampshire. Then I asked +him how he knew. + +He said that several New Hampshire people had been out there that summer, +and they had worn the same style of revolver and generally had one thumb +done up in a rag. Then he said that if I came from New Hampshire he would +show me how to turn off the gas. + +He also took my revolver down to the office with him and put it in the +safe, because he said someone might get into my room in the night and kill +me with it if he left it here. He was a perfect gentleman. + +They have a big opera house there in Chi-eene, and while I was there they +had the Eyetalian opera singers, Patty and Nevady there. The streets were +lit up with electricity, and people seemed to kind of politely look down +on me, I thought. Still, they acted as if they tried not to notice my +clothes and dime museum hat. + +They seemed to look at me as if I wasn't to blame for it, and as if they +felt sorry for me. If I'd had my United States clothes with me, I could +have had a good deal of fun in Chi-eene, going to the opera and the +lectures, and concerts, et cetera. But finally I decided to return, so I +wrote to my parents how I had been knocked down and garroted, and left for +dead with one thumb shot off, and they gladly sent the money to pay +funeral expenses. + +With this I got a cut-rate ticket home and surprised and horrified my +parents by dropping in on them one morning just after prayers. I tried to +get there prior to prayers, but was side-tracked by my father's new +anti-tramp bull dog. + + + + +Boston Common and Environs. + +Strolling through the Public Garden and the famous Boston Common, the +untutored savage from the raw and unpolished West is awed and his wild +spirit tamed by the magnificent harmony of nature and art. Everywhere the +eye rests upon all that is beautiful in nature, while art has heightened +the pleasing effect without having introduced the artistic jim-jams of a +lost and undone world. + +It is a delightful place through which to stroll in the gray morning while +the early worm is getting his just desserts. There, in the midst of a +great city, with the hum of industry and the low rumble of the throbbing +Boston brain dimly heard in the distance, nature asserts herself, and the +weary, sad-eyed stranger may ramble for hours and keep off the grass to +his heart's content. + +Nearly every foot of Boston Common is hallowed by some historical +incident. It is filled with reminiscences of a time when liberty was not +overdone in this new world, and the tyrant's heel was resting calmly on +the neck of our forefathers. + +In the winter of 1775-6, over 110 years ago, as the ready mathematician +will perceive, 1,700 redcoats swarmed over Boston Common. Later on the +local antipathy to these tourists became so great that they went away. +They are still fled. A few of their descendants were there when I visited +the Common, but they seemed amicable and did not wear red coats. Their +coats this season are made of a large check, with sleeves in it. Their +wardrobe generally stands a larger check than their bank account. + +The fountains in the Common and the Public Garden attract the eye of the +stranger, some of them being very beautiful. The Brewer fountain on +Flagstaff hill, presented to the city by the late Gardner Brewer, is very +handsome. It was cast in Paris, and is a bronze copy of a fountain +designed by Lienard of that city. At the base there are figures +representing Neptune with his fabled pickerel stabber, life size; also +Amphitrite, Acis and Galatea. Surviving relatives of these parties may +well feel pleased and gratified over the life-like expression which, the +sculptor has so faithfully reproduced. + +But the Coggswell fountain is probably the most eccentric squirt, and one +which at once rivets the eye of the beholder. I do not know who designed +it, but am told that it was modeled by a young man who attended the +codfish autopsy at the market daytimes and gave his nights to art. + +The fountain proper consists of two metallic bullheads rampart. They stand +on their bosoms, with their tails tied together at the top. Their mouths +are abnormally distended, and the water gushes forth from their tonsils in +a beautiful stream. + +The pose of these classical codfish or bullheads is sublime. In the +spirited Graeco-Roman tussle which they seem to be having, with their +tails abnormally elevated in their artistic catch-as-catch-can or can-can +scuffle, the designer has certainly hit upon a unique and beautiful +impossibility. + +Each bullhead also has a tin dipper chained to his gills, and through the +live-long day, till far into the night, he invites the cosmopolitan tramp +to come and quench his never-dying thirst. + +The frog pond is another celebrated watering place. I saw it in the early +part of May, and if there had been any water in it, it would have been a +fine sight. Nothing contributes to the success of a pond like water. + +I ventured to say to a Boston man that I was a little surprised to find a +little frog pond containing neither frogs or pond, but he said I would +find it all right if I would call around during office hours. + +While sitting on one of the many seats which may be found on the Common +one morning, I formed the acquaintance of a pale young man, who asked me +if I resided in Boston. I told him that while I felt flattered to think +that I could possibly fool anyone, I must admit that I was only a pilgrim +and a stranger. + +He said that he was an old resident, and he had often noticed that the +people of the Hub always Spoke to a Felloe till he was tired. I afterward +learned that he was not an actual resident of Boston, but had just +completed his junior year at the State asylum for the insane. He was sent +there, it seems, as a confirmed case of unjustifiable Punist. Therefore +the governor had Punist him accordingly. This is a specimen of our +capitalized joke with Queen Anne do-funny on the corners. We are shipping +a great many of them to England this season, where they are greedily +snapped up and devoured by the crowned heads. It is a good hot weather +joke, devoid of mental strain, perfectly simple and may be laughed at or +not without giving the slightest offense. + + + + +Drunk in a Plug Hat. + +This world is filled with woe everywhere you go. Sorrow is piled up in the +fence corners on every road. Unavailing regret and red-nosed remorse +inhabit the cot of the tie-chopper as well as the cut-glass cage of the +millionaire. The woods are full of disappointment. The earth is convulsed +with a universal sob, and the roads are muddy with tears. But I do not +call to mind a more touching picture of unavailing misery and ruin, and +hopeless chaos, than the plug hat that has endeavored to keep sober and +maintain self-respect while its owner was drunk. A plug hat can stand +prosperity, and shine forth joyously while nature smiles. That's the place +where it seems to thrive. A tall silk hat looks well on a thrifty man with +a clean collar, but it cannot stand dissipation. + +I once knew a plug hat that had been respected by everyone, and had won +its way upward by steady endeavor. No one knew aught against it till one +evening, in an evil hour, it consented to attend a banquet, and all at +once its joyous career ended. It met nothing but distrust and cold neglect +everywhere, after that. + +Drink seems to make a man temporarily unnaturally exhilarated. During that +temporary exhilaration he desires to attract attention by eating lobster +salad out of his own hat, and sitting down on his neighbor's. + +The demon rum is bad enough on the coatings of the stomach, but it is even +more disastrous to the tall hat. A man may mix up in a crowd and carry off +an overdose of valley tan in a soft hat or a cap, but the silk hat will +proclaim it upon the house-tops, and advertise it to a gaping, wondering +world. It has a way of getting back on the rear elevation of the head, or +over the bridge of the nose, or of hanging coquettishly on one ear, that +says to the eagle-eyed public: “I am chockfull.” + +I cannot call to mind a more powerful lecture on temperance, than the +silent pantomime of a man trying to hang his plug hat on an invisible peg +in his own hall, after he had been watching the returns, a few years ago. +I saw that he was excited and nervously unstrung when he came in, but I +did not fully realize it until he began to hang his hat on the smooth +wall. + +[Illustration: A POWERFUL LECTURE.] + +At first he laughed in a good-natured way at his awkwardness, and hung it +up again carefully; but at last he became irritated about it, and almost +forgot himself enough to swear, but controlled himself. Finding, however, +that it refused to hang up, and that it seemed rather restless, anyhow, he +put it in the corner of the hall with the crown up, pinned it to the floor +with his umbrella, and heaved a sigh of relief. Then he took off his +overcoat and, through a clerical error, pulled off his dress-coat also. I +showed him his mistake and offered to assist him back into his apparel, +but he said he hadn't got so old and feeble yet that he couldn't dress +himself. + +Later on he came into the parlor, wearing a linen ulster with the belt +drooping behind him like the broken harness hanging to a shipwrecked and +stranded mule. His wife looked at him in a way that froze his blood. This +startled him so that he stepped back a pace or two, tangled his feet in +his surcingle, clutched wildly at the empty gas-light, but missed it and +sat down in a tall majolica cuspidor. + +There were three games of whist going on when he fell, and there was a +good deal of excitement over the playing, but after he had been pulled out +of the American tear jug and led away, everyone of the twelve +whist-players had forgotten what the trump was. + +They say that he has abandoned politics since then, and that now he don't +care whether we have any more November elections or not. I asked him once +if he would be active during the next campaign, as usual, and he said he +thought not. He said a man couldn't afford to be too active in a political +campaign. His constitution wouldn't stand it. + +At that time he didn't care much whether the American people had a +president or not. If every public-spirited voter had got to work himself +up into a state of nervous excitability and prostration where reason +tottered on its throne, he thought that we needed a reform. + +Those who wished to furnish reasons to totter on their thrones for the +National Central Committee at so much per tot, could do so; he, for one, +didn't propose to farm out his immortal soul and plug hat to the party, if +sixty million people had to stand four years under the administration of a +setting hen. + + + + +Spring. + +Spring is now here. It has been here before, but not so much so, perhaps, +as it is this year. In spring the buds swell up and bust. The “violets” + bloom once more, and the hired girl takes off the double windows and the +storm door. The husband and father puts up the screen doors, so as to fool +the annual fly when he tries to make his spring debut. The husband and +father finds the screen doors and windows in the gloaming of the garret. +He finds them by feeling them in the dark with his hands. He finds the +rafters, also, with his head. When he comes down, he brings the screens +and three new intellectual faculties sticking out on his brow like the +button on a barn door. + +Spring comes with joyous laugh, and song, and sunshine, and the burnt +sacrifice of the over-ripe boot and the hoary overshoe. The cowboy and the +new milch cow carol their roundelay. So does the veteran hen. The common +egg of commerce begins to come forth into the market at a price where it +can be secured with a step-ladder, and all nature seems tickled. + +There are four seasons--spring, summer, autumn and winter. Spring is the +most joyful season of the year. It is then that the green grass and the +lavender pants come forth. The little robbins twitter in the branches, and +the horny-handed farmer goes joyously afield to till the soil till the +cows come home.--_Virgil_. + +We all love the moist and fragrant spring. It is then that the sunlight +waves beat upon the sandy coast, and the hand-maiden beats upon the sandy +carpet. The man of the house pulls tacks out of himself and thinks of days +gone by, when you and I were young, Maggie. Who does not leap and sing in +his heart when the dandelion blossoms in the low lands, and the tremulous +tail of the lambkin agitates the balmy air? + +The lawns begin to look like velvet and the lawn-mower begins to warm its +joints and get ready for the approaching harvest. The blue jay fills the +forest with his classical and extremely _au revoir_ melody, and the +curculio crawls out of the plum-tree and files his bill. The plow-boy puts +on his father's boots and proceeds to plow up the cunning little angle +worm. Anon, the black-bird alights on the swaying reeds, and the +lightning-rod man alights on the farmer with great joy and a new rod that +can gather up all the lightning in two States and put it in a two-gallon +jug for future use. + +Who does not love spring, the most joyful season of the year? It is then +that the spring bonnet of the workaday world crosses the earth's orbit and +makes the bank account of the husband and father look fatigued. The low +shoe and the low hum of the bumble-bee are again with us. The little +striped hornet heats his nose with a spirit lamp and goes forth searching +for the man with the linen pantaloons. All nature is full of life and +activity. So is the man with the linen pantaloons. Anon, the thrush will +sing in the underbrush, and the prima donna will do up her voice in a +red-flannel rag and lay it away. + +I go now into my cellar to bring out the gladiola bulb and the homesick +turnip of last year. Do you see the blue place on my shoulder? That is +where I struck when I got to the foot of the cellar stairs. The gladiola +bulbs are looking older than when I put them away last fall. I fear me +they will never again bulge forth. They are wrinkled about the eyes and +there are lines of care upon them. I could squeeze along two years without +the gladiola and the oleander in the large tub. If I should give my little +boy a new hatchet and he should cut down my beautiful oleander, I would +give him a bicycle and a brass band and a gold-headed cane. + + O spring, spring, + You giddy young thing.[1] + +[Footnote 1: From poems of passion and one thing another, by the author of +this sketch.] + + + + +The Duke of Rawhide. + +“I believe I've got about the most instinct bulldog in the United States,” + said Cayote Van Gobb yesterday. “Other pups may show cuteness and cunning, +you know, but my dog, the Duke of Rawhide Buttes, is not only generally +smart, but he keeps up with the times. He's not only a talented cuss, but +his genius is always fresh and original.” + +“What are some of his specialties, Van?” said I. + +“Oh, there's a good many of 'em, fust and last. He never seems to be +content with the achievements that please other dogs. You watch him and +you'll see that his mind is active all the time. When he is still he's +working up some scheme or another, that he will ripen and fructify later +on. + +“For three year's I've had a watermelon patch and run it with more or less +success, I reckon. The Duke has tended to 'em after they got ripe, and I +was going to say that it kept his hands pretty busy to do it, but, to be +more accurate, I should say that it kept his mouth full. Hardly a night +after the melons got ripe and in the dark of the moon, but the Dude would +sample a cowboy or a sheep-herder from the lower Poudre. Watermelons were +generally worth ten cents a pound along the Union Pacific for the first +two weeks, and a fifty-pounder was worth $5. That made it an object to +keep your melons, for in a good year you could grow enough on ten acres to +pay off the national debt. + +“Well, to return to my subject. Duke would sleep days during the season +and gather fragments of the rear breadths of Western pantaloons at night. +One morning Duke had a piece of fancy cassimere in his teeth that I tried +to pry out and preserve, so that I could identify the owner, perhaps, but +he wouldn't give it up. I coaxed him and lammed him across the face and +eyes with an old board, but he wouldn't give it to me. Then I watched him. +I've been watchin' him ever since. He took all these fragments of goods I +found, over into the garret above the carriage shed. + +“Yesterday I went in there and took a lantern with me. There on the floor +the Duke of Rawhide had arranged all the samples of Rocky Mountain +pantaloons with a good deal of taste, and I don't suppose you'd believe +it, but that blamed pup is collecting all these little scraps to make +himself a crazy quilt. + +“You can talk about instinct in animals, but, so far as the Duke of +Rawhide Buttes is concerned, it seems to me more like all-wool genius a +yard wide.” + +[Illustration] + + + + +Etiquette at Hotels. + +Etiquette at hotels is a subject that has been but lightly treated upon by +our modern philosophy, and yet it is a subject that lies very near to +every American heart. Had I not already more reforms on hand than I can +possibly successfully operate I would gladly use my strong social +influence and trenchant pen in that direction. Etiquette at hotels, both +on the part of the proprietor, and his hirelings, and the guest, is a +matter that calls loudly for improvement. + +The hotel waiter alone, would well repay a close study. From the tardy and +polished loiterer of the effete East, to the off-hand and social equal of +the budding West, all waiters are deserving of philosophical scrutiny. I +was thrown in contact with a waiter in New York last summer, whose manners +were far more polished than my own. Every time I saw him standing there +with his immediate pantaloons and swallow-tail coat, and the far-away, +chastened look of one who had been unfortunate, but not crushed, I felt +that I was unworthy to be waited upon by such a blue-blooded thoroughbred, +and I often wished that we had more such men in Congress. And when he +would take my order and go away with it, and after the meridian of my life +had softened into the mellow glory of the sere and yellow leaf, when he +came back, still looking quite young, and never having forgotten me, +recognizing me readily after the long, dull, desolate years, I was glad, +and I felt that he deserved something more than mere empty thanks and I +said to him: “Ah, sir, you still remember me after years of privation and +suffering. When every one else in New York has forgotten me, with the +exception of the confidence man, you came to me with the glad light of +recognition in your clear eye. Would you be offended if I gave you this +trifling testimonial of my regard?” at the same time giving him my note at +thirty days. + +I wanted him to have something by which to always remember me, and I guess +he has. + +Speaking of waiters, reminds me of one at Glendive, Montana. We had to +telegraph ahead in order to get a place to sleep, and when we registered +the landlord shoved out an old double-entry journal for us to record our +names and postoffice address in. The office was the bar and before we +could get our rooms assigned us, we had to wait forty-five minutes for the +landlord to collect pay for thirteen drinks and lick a personal friend. +Finally, when he got around to me, he told me that I could sleep in the +night bar-tender's bed, as he would be up all night, and might possibly +get killed and never need it again, anyhow. It would cost me $4 cash in +advance to sleep one night in the bartender's bed, he said, and the house +was so blamed full that he and his wife had got to wait till things kind +of quieted down, and then they would have to put a mattress on the 15 ball +pool table and sleep there. + +I called attention to my valuable valise that had been purchased at great +cost, and told him that he would be safe to keep that behind the bar till +I paid; but he said he wasn't in the second-hand valise business, and so I +paid in advance. It was humiliating, but he had the edge on me. + +At the tea table I noticed that the waiter was a young man who evidently +had not been always thus. He had the air of one who yearns to have some +one tread on the tail of his coat. Meekness, with me, is one of my +characteristics. It is almost a passion. It is the result of personal +injuries received in former years at the hands of parties who excelled me +in brute force and who succeeded in drawing me out in conversation, as it +were, till I made remarks that were injudicious. + +So I did not disagree with this waiter, although I had grounds. When he +came around and snorted in my ear, “Salt pork, antelope and cold beans,” + at the same time leaning his full weight on my back, while he evaded the +revenue laws by retailing his breath to the guests without a license, I +thought I would call for what he had the most of, so I said if he didn't +mind and it wouldn't be too much trouble, I would take cold beans. + +I will leave it to the calm, impassionate and unpartisan reader to state +whether that remark ought to create ill-feeling. I do not think it ought. +However, he was irritable, and life to him seemed to be cold and dark. So +he went to the general delivery window that led into the cold bean +laboratory, and remarked in a hoarse, insolent, and ironical tone of +voice: + +“Nother damned suspicious looking character wants cold beans.” + + + + +Fifteen Years Apart. + +The American Indian approximates nearer to what man should be--manly, +physically perfect, grand in character, and true to the instincts of his +conscience--than any other race of beings, civilized or uncivilized. Where +do we hear such noble sentiments or meet with such examples of heroism and +self-sacrifice as the history of the American Indian furnishes? Where +shall we go to hear again such oratory as that of Black Hawk and Logan? +Certainly the records of our so-called civilization do not furnish it, and +the present century is devoid of it. + +They were the true children of the Great Spirit. They lived nearer to the +great heart of the Creator than do their pale-faced conquerors of to-day +who mourn over the lost and undone condition of the savage. Courageous, +brave and the soul of honor, their cruel and awful destruction from the +face of the earth is a sin of such magnitude that the relics and the +people of America may well shrink from the just punishment which is sure +to follow the assassination of as brave a race as ever breathed the air of +Heaven. + +[Illustration: AT FIFTEEN.] + +I wrote the above scathing rebuke of the American people when I was 15 +years of age. I ran across the dissertation yesterday. As a general rule, +it takes a youth 15 years of age to arraign Congress and jerk the +administration bald-headed. The less he knows about things generally, the +more cheerfully will he shed information right and left. + +At the time I wrote the above crude attack upon the government, I had not +seen any Indians, but I had read much. My blood boiled when I thought of +the wrongs which our race had meted out to the red man. It was at the time +when my blood was just coming to a boil that I penned the above paragraph. +Ten years later I had changed my views somewhat, relative to the Indian, +and frankly wrote to the government of the change. When I am doing the +administration an injustice, and I find it out, I go to the president +candidly, and say: “Look here, Mr. President, I have been doing you a +wrong. You were right and I was erroneous. I am not pig-headed and +stubborn. I just admit fairly that I have been hindering the +administration, and I do not propose to do so any more.” + +So I wrote to Gen. Grant and told him that when I was 15 years of age I +wrote a composition at school in which I had arraigned the people and the +administration for the course taken toward the Indians. Since that time I +had seen some Indians in the mountains--at a distance--and from what I had +seen of them I was led to believe that I had misjudged the people and the +executive. I told him that so far as possible I would like to repair the +great wrong so done in the ardor of youth and to once more sustain the arm +of the government. + +He wrote me kindly and said he was glad that I was friendly with the +government again, and that now he saw nothing in the way of continued +national prosperity. He said he would preserve my letter in the archives +as a treaty of peace between myself and the nation. He said only the day +before he had observed to the cabinet that he didn't care two cents about +a war with foreign nations, but he would like to be on a peace footing +with me. The country could stand outside interference better than +intestine hostility. I do not know whether he meant anything personal by +that or not. Probably not. + +He said he remembered very well when he first heard that I had attacked +the Indian policy of the United States in one of my school essays. He +still called to mind the feeling of alarm and apprehension which at that +time pervaded the whole country. How the cheeks of strong men had blanched +and the Goddess of Liberty felt for her back hair and exchanged her Mother +Hubbard dress for a new cast-iron panoply of war and Roman hay knife. Oh, +yes, he said, he remembered it as though it had been yesterday. + +Having at heart the welfare of the American people as he did, he hoped +that I would never attack the republic again. + +And I never have. I have been friendly, not only personally, but +officially, for a good while. Even if I didn't agree with some of the +official acts of the president I would allow him to believe that I did +rather than harass him with cold, cruel and adverse criticism. The +abundant success of this policy is written in the country's wonderful +growth and prosperous peace. + + + + +Dessicated Mule. + +The red-eyed antagonist of truth is not found alone in the ranks of the +newspaper phalanx. You run up against him in all walks of life. He +flourishes in all professions, and he is ready at all times to entertain. +There is quite a difference between a malicious falsehood and the +different shades of parables, fables with a moral, Sabbath-school books, +newspaper sketches, and anecdotes told to entertain. + +A malicious lie is injurious personally. A business lie is a falsehood for +revenue only. But the yarns that are spun around camp-fires, in mining and +logging camps, to while away a dull evening, are not within the +jurisdiction of the criminal code or the home missionary. + +On the train, yesterday several old lumbermen were telling about hard +roads and steep hills, engineering skill and so forth. Finally they told +about “snubbing” a loaded team down bad hills, and one man said: + +“You might 'snub' down a cheap hill, but you couldn't do it on our road. +We tried it. Couldn't do a thing. Finally we got to building snow-sheds +and hauling sand. You build a snow-shed that covers the grade, then fill +the road in with two feet of loose sand, and you're O.K. We did that last +winter, and when you drive a four-horse load of logs down through them +long snow-sheds on bare ground, mind ye, and the bobs go plowing through +the sand, the sled-shoes will make the fire fly so that you can read the +President's message at midnight.” + +Then an old man who went to Pike's Peak during the excitement and returned +afterward, woke up and yawned two or three times, and said they used to +have some trouble, a good many years ago getting over the range where the +South Park road now goes from Chalk Creek Canon through Alpine Tunnel to +the Gunnison. + +“We tried 'snubbing' and everything we could think of, but it was N.G. + +“Finally we got hold of a new kind of 'snub' that worked pretty well. We +had a long table made a-purpose, that would reach to the foot of the hill +from the top, and we'd tie a three-ton load to the end at the top of the +hill; then we would hitch six mules to the end at the foot of the hill. +Well, the principle of the thing was, that as the load went down on the +Gunnison side it would pull the mules up the opposite side, tails first.” + +“How did it work?” + +“Oh, it worked all right if the mules and the load balanced; but one day +we put on a light mule named Emma Abbott, and the load got a start down +the Gunnison side that made that old cable sing. The wagon tipped over and +concussed a keg of blasting powder, and that obliterated the rest of the +goods. + +“But the air on the other side was full of mules. You ought to seen 'em +come up that hill! + +“It takes considerable of a crisis to affect the natural reserve of six +mules; but when they saw how it was, they backed up that mountain with +great enthusiasm. They didn't touch the ground but once in three thousand +feet, but they struck the canopy of heaven several times. + +“When the sky cleared up, we made a careful inventory of the stock. + +“We had a second-hand three-inch cable and some desiccated mule. We never +went to look for the wagon; but when the weather got warm, the Coyotes +helped us find Emma Abbott. + +“She was hanging by the ear in the crotch of an old hemlock tree. + +“Life was extinct. + +“We found a few more of the mules, but they were fractional. + +“Emma Abbott was the only complete mule we found.” + + + + +Time's Changes. + +I fixed myself and went out trout fishing on the only original +Kinnickinnick river last week. It was a kind of Rip Van Winkle picnic and +farewell moonlight excursion home. I believe that Rip Van Winkle, however, +confined himself to hunting mostly with an old musket that was on the +retired list when Rip took his sleepy drink on the Catskills. If he could +have gone with me fishing last week over the old trail, digging +angle-worms at the same old place where I left the spade sticking in the +grim soil twenty years ago--if we could have waded down the Kinnickinnick +together with high rubber boots on, and got nibbles and bites at the same +places, and found the same old farmers with nearly a quarter of a century +added to their lives and glistening in their hair, we would have had fun +no doubt on that day, and a headache on the day following. This affords me +an opportunity to say that trout may be caught successfully without a +corkscrew. I have tried it. I've about decided that the main reason why so +many large lies are told about the number of trout caught all over the +country, is that at the moment the sportsman pulls his game out of the +water, he labors under some kind of an optical illusion, by reason of +which he sees about nine trout where he ought to see only one. + +I wish I had as many dollars as I have soaked deceased angle-worms in that +same beautiful Kinnickinnick. There was a little stream made into it that +we called Tidd's creek. It is still there. This stream runs across Tidd's +farm, and Tidd twenty years ago wouldn't allow anybody to fish in the +creek. I can still remember how his large hand used to feel, as he caught +me by the nape of the neck and threw me over the fence with my amateur +fishing tackle and a willow “stringer” with eleven dried, stiff trout on +it. Last week I thought I would try Tidd's creek again. It was always a +good place to fish, and I felt the same old excitement, with just enough +vague forebodings in it to make it pleasant. Still, I had grown a foot or +so since I used to fish there, and perhaps I could return the compliment +by throwing the old gentleman over his own fence, and then hiss in his ear +“R-r-r-r-e-v-e-n-g-e!!!” + +[Illustration: I BECAME MORE FEARLESS.] + +I had got pretty well across the “lower forty” and had about decided that +Tidd had been gathered to his fathers, when I saw him coming with his head +up like a steer in the corn. Tidd is a blacksmith by trade, and he has an +arm with hair on it that looks like Jumbo's hind leg. I felt the same old +desire to climb the fence and be alone. I didn't know exactly how to work +it. Then I remembered how people had remarked that I had changed very much +in twenty years, and that for a homely boy I had grown to be a remarkably +picturesque-looking man. I trusted to Tidd's failing eyesight and said: + +“How are you?” + +He said, “How are you?” That did not answer my question, but I didn't mind +a little thing like that. + +Then he said: “I sposed that every pesky fool in this country knew I don't +allow fishing on my land.” + +“That may be,” says I, “but I ain't fishing on your land. I always fish in +a damp place if I can. Moreover, how do I know this is your land? Carrying +the argument still further, and admitting that every peesky fool knows +that you didn't allow fishing here, I am not going to be called a pesky +fool with impunity, unless you do it over my dead body.” He stopped about +ten rods away and I became more fearless. “I don't know who you are,” said +I, as I took off my coat and vest and piled them up on my fish basket, +eager for the fray. “You claim to own this farm, but it is my opinion that +you are the hired man, puffed up with a little authority. You can't order +me off this ground till you show me a duly certified abstract of title and +then identify yourself. What protection does a gentleman have if he is to +be kicked and cuffed about by Tom, Dick and Harry, claiming they own the +whole State. Get out! Avaunt! If you don't avaunt pretty quick I'll scrap +you and sell you to a medical college.” + +He stood in dumb amazement a moment, then he said he would go and get his +deed and his shotgun. I said shotguns suited me exactly, and I told him to +bring two of them loaded with giant powder and barbed wire. I would not +live alway. I asked not to stay. When he got behind the corn-crib I +climbed the fence and fled with my ill-gotten gains. + +The blacksmith in his prime may lick the small boy, but twenty years +changes their relative positions. Possibly Tidd could tear up the ground +with me now, but in ten more years, if I improve as fast as he fails, I +shall fish in that same old stream again. + + + + +Letter From New York. + +Dear friend.--Being Sunday, I take an hour to write you a letter in regard +to this place. I came here yesterday without attracting undue attention +from people who lived here. If they was surprised, they concealed it from +me. + +I've camped out on the Chug years ago, and went to sleep with no live +thing near me except my own pony, and woke up with the early song of the +coyote, and have been on the lonesome plain for days where it seemed to me +that a hostile would be mighty welcome if he would only say something to +me, but I was never so lonesome as I was here in this big town last night, +although it is the most thick settled place I was ever at. + +I was so kind of low and depressed that I strolled in to the bar at last, +allowing that I could pound on the counter and call up the boys and get +acquainted a little with somebody, just as I would at Col. Luke Murrin's, +at Cheyenne; but when I waved to the other parties, and told them to rally +round the foaming beaker, they apologized, and allowed they had just been +to dinner. + +Just been to dinner, and there it was pretty blamed near dark! Then I +asked 'em to take a cigar, but they mostly cackillated they had no +occasion. + +I was mad, but what could I do? They was too many for me, and I couldn't +coerce the white livered aristocratic mob, for quicker'n scat they could +have hollored into a little cupboard they had there in the corner, and in +less'n two minits they'd of had the whole police department and the hook +and ladder company down there after me with a torch-light procession. + +So I swallowed my wrath and a tame drink of cultivated whiskey with Apollo +Belvidere on the side, and went out into the auditorium of the hotel. + +Here I was very unhappy, being, as the editor of the Green River _Gazette_ +would say, “the cynosure of all eyes.” + +I would rather not be a cynosure, even at a good salary; so I thought I +would ask the proprietor to build a fire in my room. I went up to the +recorder's office, where the big hotel autograft album is, and asked to +see the proprietor. + +A good-looking young man came forward and asked me what he could do for +me. I said if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I wisht he would build a +little fire in my room, and I would pay him for it; or, if he would show +me where the woodpile was, I would build the fire myself--I wasn't doing +anything special at that time. + +He then whistled through his teeth and crooked his finger in a shrill tone +of voice to a young party who was working for him, and told him to “build +a fire in four-ought-two.” + +I then sat down in the auditorium and read out of a railroad tract, which +undertook to show that a party that undertook to ride over a rival road, +must do so because life was a burden to him, and facility, and comfort, +and safety, and such things no object whatever. But still I was very +lonely, and felt as if I was far, far away from home. + +I couldn't have been more uncomfortable if I'd been a young man I saw +twenty-five years ago on the old overland trail. He had gone out to study +the Indian character, and to win said Indian to the fold. When I next saw +him he was twenty miles farther on. He had been thrown in contact with +said Indian in the meantime. I judged he had been making a collection of +Indian arrows. He was extremely no more. He looked some like Saint +Sebastian, and some like a toothpick-holder. + +I was never successfully lost on the plains, and so I started out after +supper to find my room. I found a good many other rooms, and tried to get +into them, but I did not find four-ought-two till a late hour; then I +subsidized the night patrol on the third floor to assist me. + +This is a nice place to stop, but it is a little too rich for my blood, I +guess Not so much as regards price, but I can see that I am beginning to +excite curiosity among the boarders. People are coming here to board just +because I am here, and it is disagreeable. I do not court notoriety. I +have always lived in a plain way, and I would give a dollar if people +would look the other way while I eat my pie. + +Yours truly, + +E.O.D. + +To E. Wm. Nye, Esq. + +P.S.--This is not a dictated letter. I left my stenograffer and revolver +at Pumpkin Buttes. + +E.O.D. + + + + +Crowns and Crowned Heads. + +During the hot weather very few crowns are worn this season, and a few +hints as to the care of the crown itself may not be out of place. + +The crown should not be carelessly hung on the hat rack in the royal hall +for the flies to roost upon, but it should be thoroughly cleaned and put +away as soon as the weather becomes too hot to wear it comfortably. + +Great care should be used in cleaning a gold-plated crown, to avoid +wearing out the plate. Take a good stiff tooth brush, with a little +soapsuds, and clean the crown thoroughly at first, drying it on a clean +towel and taking care not to drop it on the floor and thus knock the +moss-agate diadem loose. Next, get a sleeve of the royal undershirt, or, +in case you can not procure one readily, the sleeve of a duke or +right-bower may be used. Soak this in vinegar, and, with a coat of +whiting, polish the crown thoroughly, wrap it in cotton-flannel and put in +the bureau. Sometimes, the lining of the crown becomes saturated with +hair-oil from constant use and needs cleaning. In such cases the lining +may be removed, boiled in concentrated lye two hours, or until tender, and +then placed on the grass to bleach in the sun. + +Most crowns are size six-and-seven-eights, and they are therefore +frequently too large for the number six head of royalty. In such cases a +newspaper may be folded lengthwise and laid inside the sweat-band of the +crown, thus reducing the size and preventing any accident by which his or +her majesty might lose the crown in the coal-bin while doing chores. + +After the Fourth of July and other royal holidays, this newspaper may be +removed, and the crown will be found none too large for the imperial dome +of thought. + +Sceptres may be cleaned and wrapped in woolen goods during the hot months. +The leg of an old pair of pantaloons makes a good retort to run a sceptre +into while not in use. Never try to kill flies or drive carpet tacks with +the sceptre. It is an awkward tool at best, and you might 'easily knock a +thumb nail loose. Great care should also be taken of the royal robe. Do +not use it for a lap robe while dining, nor sleep in it at night. Nothing +looks more repugnant than a king on the throne, with little white feathers +all over his robe. + +It is equally bad taste to govern a kingdom in a maroon robe with white +horse hairs all over it. + +[Illustration: A HARD-WORKING MONARCH.] + +I once knew a king who invariably curried his horses in his royal robes; +and if the steeds didn't stand around to suit him, he would ever and anon +welt them in the pit of the stomach with his cast-iron sceptre. It was +greatly to the interest of his horses not to incur the royal displeasure, +as the reader has no doubt already surmised. + +The robe of the king should only be worn while his majesty is on the +throne. When he comes down at night, after his day's work, and goes out +after his coal and kindling-wood, he may take off his robe, roll it up +carefully, and stick it under the throne, where it will be out of sight. +Nothing looks more untidy than a fat king milking a bobtail cow in a +Mother Hubbard robe trimmed with imitation ermine. + + + + +My Physician. + +[An Open Letter.] + +Dear Sir: I have seen recently an open letter addressed to me, and written +by you in a vein of confidence and strictly sub rosa. What you said was so +strictly confidential, in fact, that you published the letter in New York, +and it was copied through the press of the country. I shall, therefore, +endeavor to be equally careful in writing my reply. + +You refer in your kind and confidential note to your experience as an +invalid, and your rapid recovery after the use of red-hot Mexican pepper +tea in a molten state. + +But you did not have such a physician as I did when I had spinal +meningitis. He was a good doctor for horses and blind staggers, but he was +out of his sphere when he strove to fool with the human frame. Change of +scene and rest were favorite prescriptions of his. Most of his patients +got both, especially eternal rest. He made a specialty of eternal rest. + +He did not know what the matter was with me, but he seemed to be willing +to learn. + +My wife says that while he was attending me I was as crazy as a loon, but +that I was more lucid than the physician. Even with my little, shattered +wreck of mind, tottering between a superficial knowledge of how to pound +sand and a wide, shoreless sea of mental vacuity, I still had the edge on +my physician, from an intellectual point of view. He is still practicing +medicine in a quiet kind of way, weary of life, and yet fearing to die and +go where his patients are. + +He had a sabre wound on one cheek that gave him a ferocious appearance. He +frequently alluded to how he used to mix up in the carnage of battle, and +how he used to roll up his pantaloons and wade in gore. He said that if +the tocsin of war should sound even now, or if he were to wake up in the +night and hear war's rude alarum, he would spring to arms and make tyranny +tremble till its suspender buttons fell off. + +Oh, he was a bad man from Bitter Creek. + +One day I learned from an old neighbor that this physician did not have +anything to do with preserving the Union intact, but that he acquired the +scar on his cheek while making some experiments as a drunk and disorderly. +He would come and sit by my bedside for hours, waiting for this mortality +to put on immortality, so that he could collect his bill from the estate, +but one day I arose during a temporary delirium, and extracting a slat +from my couch I smote him across the pit of the stomach with it, while I +hissed through my clenched teeth: + +“Physician, heal thyself.” + +[Illustration: “PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF.”] + +I then tottered a few minutes, and fell back into the arms of my +attendants. If you do not believe this, I can still show you the clenched +teeth. Also the attendants. + +I had a hard time with this physician, but I still live, contrary to his +earnest solicitations. + +I desire to state that should this letter creep into the press of the +country, and thus become in a measure public, I hope that it will create +no ill-feeling on your part. + +Our folks are all well as I write, and should you happen to be on Lake +Superior this winter, yachting, I hope you will drop in and see us. Our +latch string is hanging out most all the time, and if you will pound on +the fence I will call off the dog. + +I frequently buy a copy of your paper on the streets. Do you get the +money? + +Are you acquainted with the staff of _The Century_, published in New York? +I was in _The Century_ office several hours last spring, and the editors +treated me very handsomely, but, although I have bought the magazine ever +since, and read it thoroughly, I have not seen yet where they said that +“they had a pleasant call from the genial and urbane William Nye.” I do +not feel offended over this. I simply feel hurt. + +Before that I had a good notion to write a brief epic on the “Warty Toad,” + and send it to _The Century_ for publication, but now it is quite +doubtful. + +_The Century_ may be a good paper, but it does not take the press +dispatches, and only last month I saw in it an account of a battle that to +my certain knowledge occurred twenty years ago. + + + + +All About Oratory. + +Twenty centuries ago last Christmas there was born in Attica, near Athens, +the father of oratory, the greatest orator of whom history has told us. +His name was Demosthenes. Had he lived until this spring he would have +been 2,270 years old; but he did not live. Demosthenes has crossed the +mysterious river. He has gone to that bourne whence no traveler returns. + +Most of you, no doubt, have heard about it. On those who may not have +heard it, the announcement will fall with a sickening thud. + +This sketch is not intended to cast a gloom over your hearts. It was +designed to cheer those who read it and make them glad they could read. + +Therefore, I would have been glad if I could have spared them the pain +which this sudden breaking of the news of the death of Demosthenes will +bring. But it could not be avoided. We should remember the transitory +nature of life, and when we are tempted to boast of our health, and +strength, and wealth, let us remember the sudden and early death of +Demosthenes. + +Demosthenes was not born an orator. He struggled hard and failed many +times. He was homely, and he stammered in his speech; but before his death +they came to him for hundreds of miles to get him to open their county +fairs and jerk the bird of freedom bald-headed on the Fourth of July. + +When Demosthenes' father died, he left fifteen talents to be divided +between Demosthenes and his sister. A talent is equal to about $1,000. I +often wish I had been born a little more talented. + +Demosthenes had a short breath, a hesitating speech, and his manners were +very ungraceful. To remedy his stammering, he filled his mouth full of +pebbles and howled his sentiments at the angry sea. However, Plutarch says +that Demosthenes made a gloomy fizzle of his first speech. This did not +discourage him. He finally became the smoothest orator in that country, +and it was no uncommon thing for him to fill the First Baptist Church of +Athens full. There are now sixty of his orations extant, part of them +written by Demosthenes and part of them written by his private secretary. + +When he started in, he was gentle, mild and quiet in his manner; but later +on, carrying his audience with him, he at last became enthusiastic. He +thundered, he roared, he whooped, he howled, he jarred the windows, he +sawed the air, he split the horizon with his clarion notes, he tipped over +the table, kicked the lamps out of the chandeliers and smashed the big +bass viol over the chief fiddler's head. + +Oh, Demosthenes was business when he got started. It will be a long time +before we see another off-hand speaker like Demosthenes, and I, for one, +have never been the same man since I learned of his death. + +“Such was the first of orators,” says Lord Brougham. “At the head of all +the mighty masters of speech, the adoration of ages has consecrated his +place, and the loss of the noble instrument with which he forged and +launched his thunders, is sure to maintain it unapproachable forever.” + +I have always been a great admirer of the oratory of Demosthenes, and +those who have heard both of us, think there is a certain degree of +similarity in our style. + +And not only did I admire Demosthenes as an orator, but as a man; and, +though I am no Vanderbilt, I feel as though I would be willing to head a +subscription list for the purpose of doing the square thing by his +sorrowing wife, if she is left in want, as I understand that she is. + +I must now leave Demosthenes and pass on rapidly to speak of Patrick +Henry. + +Mr. Henry was the man who wanted liberty or death. He preferred liberty, +though. If he couldn't have liberty, he wanted to die, but he was in no +great rush about it. He would like liberty, if there was plenty of it; but +if the British had no liberty to spare, he yearned for death. When the +tyrant asked him what style of death he wanted, he said that he would +rather die of extreme old age. He was willing to wait, he said. He didn't +want to go unprepared, and he thought it would take him eighty or ninety +years more to prepare, so that when he was ushered into another world he +wouldn't be ashamed of himself. + +One hundred and ten years ago, Patrick Henry said: “Sir, our chains are +forged. Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston. The war is +inevitable, and let it come. I repeat it, sir, let it come!” + +In the spring of 1860, I used almost the same language. So did Horace +Greeley. There were four or five of us who got our heads together and +decided that the war was inevitable, and consented to let it come. + +Then it came. Whenever there is a large, inevitable conflict loafing +around waiting for permission to come, it devolves on the great statesmen +and bald-headed _literati_ of the nation to avoid all delay. It was so +with Patrick Henry. He permitted the land to be deluged in gore, and then +he retired. It is the duty of the great orator to howl for war, and then +hold some other man's coat while he fights. + + + + +Strabusmus and Justice. + +Over in St. Paul I met a man with eyes of cadet blue and a terra cotta +nose. His eyes were not only peculiar in shape, but while one seemed to +constantly probe the future, the other was apparently ransacking the +dreamy past. While one rambled among the glorious possibilities of the +remote yet golden ultimately, the other sought the somber depths of the +previously. + +He told me that years ago he had a mild case of strabismus and that both +eyes seemed to glare down his nose till he got restless and had them +operated on. Those were the days when they used to fasten a crochet hook +under the internal rectus muscle and cut it a little with a pair of +optical sheep shears. The effect of this course was to allow the eye to +drift back to a direct line; but this man fell into the hands of a drunken +surgeon who cut the muscle too much, and thereby weakened it so that it +gradually swung past the point it ought to have stopped at, and he saw +with horror that his eye was going to turn out and protrude, as it were, +so that a man could hang his hat on it. The other followed suit, and the +two orbs that had for years looked along the bridge of the terra cotta +nose, gradually separated, and while one looked toward next Christmas with +fond anticipations, the other loved to linger over the remembrances of +last fall. + +This thing continued till he had to peer into the future with his off eye +closed, and vice versa. + +It is needless to say that he hungered for the blood of that physician and +surgeon. He tried to lay violent hands on him and wipe up the ground with +him and wear him out across a telegraph pole. But the authorities always +prevented the administration of swift and lawful justice. + +Time passed on, till one night the abnormal wall-eyed man loosened a board +in the sidewalk up town so that the physician and surgeon caught his foot +in it and caused an oblique fracture of the scapula, pied his dura mater, +busted his cornucopia and wrecked his sarah-bellum. + +Perhaps I am in error as to some of these medical terms and their +orthography, but that is about the way the man with the divergent orbs +told it to me. + +The physician and surgeon was quite a ruin. He had to wear clapboards on +himself for months, and there were other doctors, and laudable pus and +threatened gangrene and doctors' bills, with the cemetery looming up in +the near future. Day after day he took his own anti-febrile drinks, and +rammed his busted system full of iron and strychnine and beef tea and +dover's powders and hypodermic squirt till he wished he could die, but +death would not come. He pawed the air and howled. They fed him his own +nux vomica, tincture of rhubarb and phosphates and gruel, and brought him +back to life with a crooked collar bone, a shattered shoulder blade and a +look of woe. + +Then he sued the town for $50,000 damages because the sidewalk was +imperfect, and the wild-eyed man with the inflamed nose got on the jury. + +I will not explain how it was done, but there was a verdict for defendant +with costs on the Esculapian wreck. The man with the crooked vision is not +handsome, but he is very happy. He says the mills of the gods grind +slowly, but they pulverise middling fine. + + + + +A Spencerian Ass. + +After I had accumulated a handsome competence as city editor of the old +Morning _Sentinel_ at Laramie City, and had married and gone to +housekeeping with a gas stove and other luxuries, my place on the +_Sentinel_ was taken by a newspaper man named Hopkins, who had just +graduated from a business college, and who brought a nice glazed grip +sack and a diploma with him that had never been used. + +Hopkins wrote a fine Spencerian hand and wore a black and tan dog +where-ever he went. The boys were willing to overlook his copper-plate +hand, but they drew the line at the dog. He not only wrote in beautiful +style, but he copied his manuscript, so that when it went in to the +printer it was as pretty as a wedding invitation. + +[Illustration: HE THREW ME OUT.] + +Hopkins ran the city page nine days, and then he came into the city hall +where I was trying a simple drunk and bade me adieu. + +I just say this to show how difficult it is for a fine penman to get ahead +as a journalist. Of course good, readable writers like Knox and John +Hancock may become great, but they have to be men of sterling ability to +start with. + +I have some of the most bloodcurdling horrors preserved for the purpose of +showing Hopkins' wonderful and vivid style. I will throw them in. + +“A little son of our esteemed fellow townsman, J.H. Hayford, suffered +greatly last evening with virulent colic, but this A.M., as we go to +press, is sleeping easily.” + +Think of shaking the social foundations of a mountain mining and stock +town with such grim, nervous prostrators as that! The next day he startled +Southern Wyoming and Northern Colorado and Utah with the maddening +statement that “our genial friend, Leopold Gussenhoven's fine, yellow dog, +Florence Nightingale, had been seriously threatened with insomnia.” + +That was the style of mental calisthenics he gave us in a town where death +by opium and ropium was liable to occur, and where five men with their +Mexican spurs on climbed one telegraph pole in one night and sauntered +into the remote indefinitely. Hopkins told me that he had tried to do what +was right, but that he had not succeeded very well. He wrung my hand and +said: + +“I have tried hard to make the _Sentinel_ fill a long want felt, but I +have not been fortunate. The foreman over there is a harsh man. He used to +come in and intimate in a frowning and erect tone of voice, that if I did +not produce that copy p.d.q., or some other abbreviation or other, that he +would bust my crust, or words of like import. + +“Now that's no way to talk to a man of a nervous temperament who is +engaged in copying a list of hotel arrivals, and shading the capitals as I +was. In the business college it was not that way. Everything was quiet, +and there was nothing to jar a man like that. + +“Of course I would like to stay on the _Sentinel_ and draw the princely +salary, but there are two hundred reasons why I cannot do it. So far as +the physical effort is concerned, I could draw the salary with one hand +tied behind me, but there is too much turmoil and mad haste in daily +journalism to suit me, and another thing, the proprietor of the _Sentinel_ +this morning stole up behind me and struck me over the head with a +wrought-iron side stick weighing ten pounds. If I had not concealed a coil +spring in my plug hat, the blow would have been deleterious to me. + +“Then he threw me out of the door against a total stranger, and flung +pieces of coal at me and called me a copper-plate ass, and said that if I +ever came into the office again he would assassinate me. + +“That is the principal reason why I have severed my connection with the +_Sentinel_.” + +As he said this, Mr. Hopkins took out a polka-dot handkerchief wiped away +a pearly tear the size of a walnut, wrung my hand, also the polka-dot +wipe, and stole out into the great, horrid hence. + + + + +Anecdotes of Justice. + +The justice of the peace is sometimes a peculiarity, and if someone does +not watch him he will exceed his jurisdiction. It took a constable, a +sheriff, a prosecuting attorney and a club to convince a Wyoming justice +of the peace that he had no right to send a man to the penitentiary for +life. Another justice in Utah sentenced a criminal to be hung on the +following Friday between twelve and one o'clock of said day, but he +couldn't enforce the sentence. A Wisconsin justice of the peace granted a +divorce and in two weeks married the couple over again--ten dollars for +the divorce and two dollars for the relapse. Another Badger justice bound +a young man over to appear and answer at the next term of the Circuit +Court for the crime of chastity, and the evidence was entirely +circumstantial, too. + +Another one, when his first case came up, jerked a candle box around +behind the dining-room table, put his hat on the back of his head, +borrowed a chew of tobacco from the prisoner and said: “Now, boys, the +court's open. The first feller that says a word unless I speak to him will +get paralyzed. Now tell your story.” Then each witness and the defendant +reeled off his yarn without being sworn. The justice fined the defendant +ten dollars and made the complaining witness pay half the costs. The +justice then took the fine and put it in his pocket, adjourned court, and +in an hour was so full that it took six men to hold his house still long +enough for him to get into the doors. + +A North Park justice of the peace and under-sheriff formed a partnership +years ago for the purpose of supplying people with justice at New York +prices, and by doing a strictly cash business they dispensed with a good +deal of justice, such as it was. + +It was a misdemeanor to kill game and ship it out of the State, and as +there was a good deal killed there, consisting of elk, antelope and black +tail deer especially, and as it could not be hauled out of the Park at +that season without going across the Wyoming line and back again into the +State of Colorado, the under-sheriff would load himself down with +warrants, signed in blank, and station himself on horseback at the foot of +the pass to the North. He would then arrest everybody indiscriminately who +had any fraction of a deer, antelope or elk on his wagon, try the case +then and there, put on a fine of $25 to $75, which if paid never reached +the treasury, and then he would wait for another victim. The average man +would rather pay the fine than go back a hundred miles through the +mountains to stand trial, so the under-sheriff and justice thrived for +some time. But one day the under-sheriff served his patent automatic +warrant on a young man who refused to come down. The officer then drew one +of those large baritone instruments that generally has a coward at one end +and a corpse at the other. He pointed this at the young man and assessed a +fine of $50 and costs. Instead of paying this fine, the youth, who was +quite nimble, but unarmed, knocked the bogus officer down with the butt +end of his six-mule whip, took his self-cocking credentials away and lit +out. In less than a week the justice and his copper were in the +refrigerator. + +I was once a justice of the peace, and a good many funny little incidents +occurred while I held that office. I do not allude to my official life +here in order to call attention to my glowing career, for thousands of +others, no doubt, could have administered the affairs of the office as +well as I did, but rather to speak of one incident which took place while +I was a J.P. + +One night after I had retired and gone to sleep a milkman, called Bill +Dunning, rang the bell and got me out of bed. Then he told me that a man +who owed him a milk bill of $35 was all loaded up and prepared to slip +across the line overland into Colorado, there to grow up with the country +and acquire other indebtedness, no doubt. Bill desired an attachment for +the entire wagon-load of goods and said he had an officer at hand to serve +the writ. + +“But,” said I, as I wrapped a “welcome” husk door mat around my glorious +proportions, “how do you know while we converse together he is not winging +his way down the valley of the Paudre?” + +“Never mind that, jedge,” says William. “You just fix the dockyments and +I'll tend to the defendant.” + +In an hour Bill returned with $35 in cash for himself and the entire costs +of the court, and as we settled up and fixed the docket I asked Bill +Dunning how he detained the defendant while we made out the affidavit bond +and writ of attachment. + +“You reckollect, jedge,” says William, “that the waggin wheel is held onto +the exle with a big nut. No waggin kin go any length of time without that +there nut onto the exle. Well, when I diskivered that what's-his-name was +packed up and the waggin loaded, I took the liberty to borrow one o' them +there nuts fur a kind of momento, as it were, and I kept that in my pocket +till we served the writ and he paid my bill and came to his milk, if +you'll allow me that expression, and then I says to him, 'Pardner,' says +I, you are going far, far away where I may never see you again. Take this +here nut,' says I, 'and put it onto the exle of the oft hind wheel of your +waggin, and whenever you look at it hereafter, think of poor old Bill +Dunning, the milkman.'” + + + + +The Chinese God. + +I presume that I shall not be accused of sacrilege in referring to the +Chinese god as an inferior piece of art. Viewed simply from an artistic +and economical standpoint, it seems to me that the Chinaman should have +less pride in his bow-legged and inefficient god than in any other +national institution. + +I do not wish to be understood as interfering with any man's religious +views; but when polygamy is made a divine decree, or a basswood deity is +whittled out and painted red, to look up to and to worship, I cannot treat +that so-called religious belief with courtesy and reverence. I am quite +liberal in all religious matters. People have noticed that and remarked +it, but the Oriental god of commerce seems to me to be greatly over-rated. +He seems to lack that genuine decision of character which should be a +feature of an over-ruling power. + +I ask the phrenologist to come with me and examine the head of the alleged +Josh, and to state whether or not he believes that the properly balanced +head of a successful god should not have a more protuberant knob of +spirituality, and a less pronounced alimentiveness. Should the bump of +combativeness hang out over the ear, while time, tune and calculation are +noticeably reticent? I certainly wot not. + +Again, how can the physiognomy of the Celestial Josh be consistent with a +moral and temperate god? The low brow would not indicate a pronounced +omniscience, and the Jumbo ears and the copious neck would not impress me +with the idea of purity and spirituality. + +It is, no doubt, wrong to attack sacred matters for the purpose of gaining +notoriety; but I believe I am right, when I assert that the Chinese god +must go. We should not be Puritanical, but we might safely draw the line +at the bow-legged and sedentary goddess of leprosy. + +If Confucius bowed the suppliant knee to that goggle-eyed jim-jam Josh, +I am grieved to know it. If such was the case, the friends of Confucius +should keep the matter from me. I cannot believe that the great +philosopher wallowed in the dust at the feet of such a polka-dot +carricature of a gorilla's horrid dream. + +I bought a Chinese god once, for four bits. He was not successful in +the profession which he aimed to follow. Whatever he may have been in +China, he was not a very successful god in the English language. I put +him upon the mantel, and the clock stopped, the servant girl sent in +her resignation, and a large dog jumped through the parlor-window. All +this happened within two hours from the time I erected the lop-eared, +knocked-kneed and club-footed Oolong in my household. + +[Illustration: THE DOG EXITS.] + +Perhaps this may have been largely due to my ignorance of his habits. +Possibly if I had been more familiar with his eccentricities, it would +have been all right; but as it was, there was no book of instructions +given with him, and I couldn't seem to make him work. + +During the week following, the prospect shaft of the New Jerusalem mine +struck a subterranean gulf-stream and water-logged the stock, a tall +yellow dog, under the weight of a great woe, picked out my cistern to +suicide in, and I skated down the cellar-stairs on my shoulder-blades +and the phrenological location known as Love of Home, in such a terrible +manner as to jar the foundations of the earth, and kick a large hole out +of the bosom of the night. + +I then met with a change of heart, and overthrew the warty heathen god, +and knocked him galley west. My hens at once began to watch the produce +market, and, noticing the high price of eggs, commenced to orate with +great zeal instead of standing around with their hands in their pockets. I +saw the new moon over my right shoulder, and all nature seemed gay once +more. + +The above are a few of my reasons for believing that the Chinese god is +either greatly over-estimated, or else shippers and producers are flooding +the market with fraudulent gods. + + + + +A Great Spiritualist. + +I have an uncle who is a physician, and a very busy one at that. He is a +very active man, and allows himself very little relaxation indeed. How +many times he has said to me, “Well, I can't stand here and fool away my +time with you. I've got a typhoid fever patient down in the lower end of +town who will get well if I don't get over there this forenoon.” + +He never allows himself any relaxation to speak of, except to demonstrate +the truth of spiritualism. He does love to monkey with the supernatural, +and he delights in getting hold of some skeptical friend and convincing +him of the presence of spirits beyond a doubt. I've known him to ignore +two cases of croup and one case of twins to attend a seance and help +convince a doubting Thomas on the spirit question. + +I believe that he and I, together with a little time in which to prepare, +could convince the most skeptical. He says that with a friend to assist +him, who is _en rapport_, and who has a little practice, he can reach the +stoniest heart. He is a very susceptible medium indeed, and created a +great furore in his own town. He said it was a great comfort to him to +converse with his former patients, and he felt kind of attached to them, +so that he hated to be separated from them, even in death. + +Spiritualism had quite a run in his neighborhood at one time, as I have +said. Even his own family yielded to the convincing proof and the +astounding phenomena. If his wife hadn't found some of his spiritual +tracks down cellar, she would have remained firm, no doubt, but the doctor +forgot and left his step-ladder down there, and that showed where the hole +in the floor opened into his mysterious cabinet. + +He said if he had been a little more careful, no doubt he could have +convinced anybody of the presence of spirits or anything else. He said he +didn't intend to give up as long as there was anything left in the cellar. + +He had such unwavering confidence in the phenomena that all he asked of +anybody was faith and a buckskin string about two feet long. + +He and his brother, a reformed member of Congress, read the inmost +thoughts of a skeptical friend all one evening by the aid of supernatural +powers and a tin tube. The reformed member of Congress acted as medium, +and the doctor, who was unfortunately and ostensibly called away into the +country early in the evening, remained at the window outside, where he +could read the queries written by the victim on a slip of paper. Then he +would run around the house and murmur the same through a tin tube at +another window by the medium's ear. + +It was astounding. The skeptical man would write some deep question on a +slip of paper, and after the medium had felt of his brow, and groaned a +few hollow groans, and rolled his eyes up, he would answer it without +having been within twenty feet of the question or the questioner. The +victim said he would never doubt again. + +What a comfort it was to know that immortality was an established fact. If +he could have heard a man talking in a low tone of voice through an old +tin dipper handle, at the south window on the ground floor, and +occasionally swearing at a mosquito on the back of his neck, he would have +hesitated. + +An old-timer over there said that Woodworth would be a mighty good +physician if he would let spiritualism alone. He claimed that no man could +be a great physician and surgeon and still be a fanatic on spiritualism. + + + + +General Sheridan's Horse. + +I have always taken a great interest in war incidents, and more so, +perhaps, because I wasn't old enough to put down the rebellion myself. I +have been very eager to get hold of and hoard up in my memory all its +gallant deeds of both sides, and to know the history of those who figured +prominently in that great conflict has been one of my ambitions. + +I have also watched with interest the steady advancement of Phil Sheridan, +the black-eyed warrior with the florid face and the Winchester record. I +have also taken some pains to investigate the later history of the old +Winchester war horse. + +“Old Rienzi died in our stable a few years after the war,” said a Chicago +livery man to me, a short time ago. “General Sheridan left him with us and +instructed us to take good care of him, which we did, but he got old at +last, and his teeth failed upon him, and that busted his digestion, and he +kind of died of old age, I reckon.” + +“How did General Sheridan take it?” + +“Oh, well, Phil Sheridan is no school girl. He didn't turn away when old +Rienzi died and weep the manger full of scalding regret. If you know +Sheridan, you know that he don't rip the blue dome of heaven wide open +with unavailing wails. He just told us to take care of its remains, patted +the old cuss on the head a little and walked off. Phil Sheridan don't go +around weeping softly into a pink bordered wipe when a horse dies. He +likes a good horse, but Rienzi was no Jay-Eye-See for swiftness, and he +wasn't the purtiest horse you ever see, by no means.” + +“Did you read lately how General Sheridan don't ride on horseback since +his old war horse died, and seems to have lost all interest in horses?” + +“No, I never did. He no doubt would rather ride in a cable car or a +carriage than to jar himself up on a horse. That's all likely enough, +but, as I say, he's a matter of fact little fighter from Fighttown. He +never stopped to snoot and paw up the ground and sob himself into +bronchitis over old Rienzi. He went right on about his business, and, +like old King What's-His-name he hollered for another hoss, and the War +Department never slipped a cog.” + +Later on I read that the old war horse was called Winchester and that he +was still alive in a blue grass pasture in Kentucky. The report said that +old Winchester wasn't very coltish, and that he was evidently failing. I +gathered the idea that he was wearing store teeth, and that his memory was +a little deficient, but that he might live yet for years. After that I met +a New York livery stable prince, at whose palace General Sheridan's +well-known Winchester war horse died of botts in '71. He told me all +about it and how General Sheridan came on from Chicago at the time, and +held the horse's head in his lap while the fleet limbs that flew from +Winchester down and saved the day, stiffened in the great, mysterious +repose of death. He said Sheridan wept like a child, and as he told the +touching tale to me I wept also. I say I wept. I wept about a quart, I +would say. He said also that the horse's name wasn't Winchester nor +Rienzi; it was Jim. + +I was sorry to know it. Jim is no name for a war horse who won a victory +and a marble bust and a poem. You can't respect a horse much if his name +was Jim. + +After that I found out that General Sheridan's celebrated Winchester horse +was raised in Kentucky, also in Pennsylvania and Michigan; that he went +out as a volunteer private; that he was in the regular service prior to +the war, and that he was drafted, and that he died on the field of battle, +in a sorrel pasture, in '73, in great pain on Governor's Island; that he +was buried with Masonic honors by the Good Templars and the Grand Army of +the Republic; that he was resurrected by a medical college and dissected; +that he was cremated in New Orleans and taxidermed for the Military Museum +at New York. Every little while I run up against a new fact relative to +this noted beast. He has died in nine different States, and been buried in +thirteen different styles, while his soul goes marching on. Evidently we +live in an age of information. You can get more information nowadays, such +as it is, than you know what to do with. + + + + +A Circular. + +To my friends, regardless of party.--Many friends having solicited me to +apply for a foreign mission under the present administration, I have +finally consented to do so, and last week filed my application for such +missions as might still remain vacant. + +To insure my appointment, much will remain for you to do. I now call upon +my friends to aid me by their united effort. I especially solicit the aid +of my friends who have repeatedly heretofore promised it to me while +drunk. + +[Illustration: PLENTY OF CORRESPONDENCE.] + +You will see at a glance that I can only make the application. You must +support it by your petitions and letters. It would be of little use for +one man to write five thousand letters to the president, but if five +thousand people each write him a letter in which casual reference is made +to my social worth and 7-1/3 octave brain, it will make him pay attention. + +My idea would be for each of my friends to set aside one day in each week +to write to the president, opening it in a chatty way by asking him if he +does not think we are having rather a backward spring, and what he is +doing for his cut worms now, and how his folks are, etc., etc. Then +gradually lead up to the statement that you think I would be an ornament +to the administration if I should go abroad and linger on a foreign strand +at $2,000 per linger and stationery. + +This will keep the president properly stirred up, and cause him to earn +his salary. The effect will be to secure the appointment at last, as you +will see if you persevere. + +I need not add that I will do what is right by my friends upon receiving +my commission. + +Do not neglect this suggestion because it comes to you in the form of a +circular, but remember it and act upon it. Remember that, although the +president is stubborn as Sam Hill, he will at last yield to fatigue, and +when tired nature can hold out no longer, the last letter will drop from +his nerveless hand and he will surrender. + +[Illustration: NURSING THE FIERY STEED.] + +Some of you will urge that I have been an offensive partisan, but when you +come to think it over I have not been so all-fired partisan. There have +been days and days when it did not show itself very much. However, that is +not the point. I want your hearty indorsement and I want it to be entirely +voluntary, and if you do not give it, and give it freely and voluntarily, +you hadn't better ask me for any more favors. + +All the newspapers most heartily indorse me. The _Rocky Mountain Whoop_ +very truthfully says: + +“Mr. Nye called at our office yesterday and subscribed for our paper. We +are proud to add him to our list of paid-up subscribers, and should he +renew his subscription next year, paying in advance, we will cheerfully +refer to it among other startling news.” + +I have a scrap-book full of such indorsements as this, and now, if my +friends will peel their coats and write as they should, I can make this +administration open its eyes. + +Several papers in Iowa have alluded to my being in town, and referred to +the fact that I had paid my bills while there. But press indorsements +alone are not sufficient. What is needed is the written testimony of +friends and neighbors. No matter how poor or humble or worthless you may +be, write to Mr. Cleveland and tell him how much confidence you have in +me, and if you can call to mind any little acts of kindness, or any times +when I have got up in the night to give you a dollar, or nurse a colicky +horse for you, throw that in. Throw it in anyhow. It will do no harm, and +may do much good. + +I can solemnly promise all my friends that if they will secure my +appointment to a foreign country for four years, I will not return during +that time. What more can I offer? I will stay longer if I am reappointed. +I would do anything for my friends. + +Do not throw this circular carelessly aside. Read it carefully over and +act upon it. Some of you are poor spellers, and will try to get out of it +in that way. Others are in the penitentiary and cannot spare the time. But +to one and all I say, write, and write regularly, to the president. Do not +wait for a reply from him, because he is pretty busy now; but he will be +tickled to death to hear from you, and anything you say about me will give +him great pleasure. + +N.B.--Please be careful not to inclose this circular in your letter to the +president. + + + + +The Photograph Habit. + +No doubt the photograph habit, when once formed, is one of the most +baneful, and productive of the most intense suffering in after years, of +any with which we are familiar. Some times it seems to me that my whole +life has been one long, abject apology for photographs that I have shed +abroad throughout a distracted country. + +Man passes through seven distinct stages of being photographed, each one +exceeding all previous efforts in that line. + +First he is photographed as a prattling, bald-headed baby, absolutely +destitute of eyes, but making up for this deficiency by a wealth of mouth +that would make a negro minstrel olive green with envy. We often wonder +what has given the average photographer that wild, hunted look about the +eyes and that joyless sag about the knees. The chemicals and the indoor +life alone have not done all this. It is the great nerve tension and +mental strain used in trying to photograph a squirming and dark red child +with white eyes, in such a manner as to please its parents. + +An old-fashioned dollar store album with cerebro-spinal meningitis, and +filled with pictures of half-suffocated children in heavily-starched white +dresses, is the first thing we seek on entering a home, and the last thing +from which we reluctantly part. + +The second stage on the downward road is the photograph of the boy with +fresh-cropped hair, and in which the stiff and protuberant thumb takes a +leading part. + +Then follows the portrait of the lad, with strongly marked freckles and a +look of hopeless melancholy. With the aid of a detective agency, I have +succeeded in running down and destroying several of these pictures which +were attributed to me. + +Next comes the young man, 21 years of age, with his front hair plastered +smoothly down over his tender, throbbing dome of thought. He does not care +so much about the expression on the mobile features, so long as his left +hand, with the new ring on it, shows distinctly, and the string of +jingling, jangling charms on his watch chain, including the cute little +basket cut out of a peach stone, stand out well in the foreground. If the +young man would stop to think for a moment that some day he may become +eminent and ashamed of himself, he would hesitate about doing this. + +Soon after, he has a tintype taken in which a young lady sits in the +alleged grass, while he stands behind her with his hand lightly touching +her shoulder as though he might be feeling of the thrilling circumference +of a buzz saw. He carries this picture in his pocket for months, and looks +at it whenever he may be unobserved. + +Then, all at once, he discovers that the young lady's hair is not done up +that way any more, and that her hat doesn't seem to fit her. He then, in a +fickle moment, has another tintype made, in which another young woman, +with a more recent hat and later coiffure, is discovered holding his hat +in her lap. + +This thing continues, till one day he comes into the studio with his wife, +and tries to see how many children can be photographed on one negative by +holding one on each knee and using the older ones as a back-ground. + +The last stage in his eventful career, the old gentleman allows himself to +be photographed, because he is afraid he may not live through another +long, hard winter, and the boys would like a picture of him while he is +able to climb the dark, narrow stairs which lead to the artist's room. + +Sadly the thought comes back to you in after years, when his grave is +green in the quiet valley, and the worn and weary hands that have toiled +for you are forever at rest, how patiently he submitted while his daughter +pinned the clean, stiff, agonizing white collar about his neck, and +brushed the velvet collar of his best coat; how he toiled up the long, +dark, lonesome stairs, not with the egotism of a half century ago, but +with the light of anticipated rest at last in his eyes--obediently, as he +would have gone to the dingy law office to have his will drawn--and meekly +left the outlines of his kind old face for those he loved and for whom he +had so long labored. + +It is a picture at which the thoughtless may smile, but it is full of +pathos, and eloquent for those who knew him best. His attitude is stiff +and his coat hunches up in the back, but his kind old heart asserts itself +through the gentle eyes, and when he has gone away at last we do not +criticise the picture any more, but beyond the old coat that hunches up in +the back, and that lasted him so long, we read the history of a noble +life. + +Silently the old finger-marked album, lying so unostentatiously on the +gouty centre table, points out the mile-stones from infancy to age, and +back of the mistakes of a struggling photographer is portrayed the +laughter and the tears, the joy and the grief, the dimples and the gray +hairs of one man's life-tine. + + + + +Rosalinde. + +In answer to a former article relative to the dearth of woman here, we are +now receiving two to five letters per day from all classes and styles of +young, middle-aged and old women who desire to come to Wyoming. + +Some of them would like to come here to work and obtain an honest +livelihood, and some of them desire to come here and marry cattle kings. + +A recent letter from Michigan, written in lead pencil, and evidently +during hours when the writer should have been learning her geography +lesson, is very enthusiastic over the prospect of coming out here where +one girl can have a lover for every day in the week. She signs herself +Rosalinde, with a small r, and adds in a postscript that she “means +business.” + +Yes, Rosalinde, that's what we are afraid of. We had a kind of a vague +fear that you meant business, so we did not reply to your letter. Wyoming +already has women enough who write with a lead pencil. We are also pretty +well provided with poor spellers, and we do not desire to ransack Michigan +for affectionate but sap-headed girls. + +Stay in Michigan, Rosalinde, until we write to you, and one of these days +when you have been a mother eight or nine times, and as you stand in the +golden haze in the back yard, hanging out damp shirts on an uncertain +line, while your ripe and dewy mouth is stretched around a bass-wood +clothes pin, you will thank us for this advice. + +Michigan is the place for you. It is the home of the Sweet Singer and the +abiding place of the Detroit _Free Press_. We can't throw any such +influences around you here as those you have at your own door. + +Do not despair, Rosalinde. Some day a man, with a great, warm, manly heart +and a pair of red steers, will see you and love you, and he will take you +in his strong arms and protect you from the Michigan climate, just as +devotedly as any of our people here can. We do not wish to be +misunderstood in this matter. It is not as a lover that we have said so +much on the girl question, but in the domestic aid department, and when we +get a long letter from a young girl who eats slate pencils and reads Ouida +behind her atlas, we feel like going over there to Michigan with a trunk +strap and doing a little missionary work. + + + + +The Church Debt. + +I have been thinking the matter over seriously and I have decided that if +I had my life to live over again, I would like to be an eccentric +millionaire. + +I have eccentricity enough, but I cannot successfully push it without more +means. + +I have a great many plans which I would like to carry out, in case I could +unite the two necessary elements for the production of the successful +eccentric millionaire. + +Among other things, I would be willing to bind myself and give proper +security to any one who would put in money to offset my eccentricity, that +I would ultimately die. We all know how seldom the eccentric millionaire +now dies. I would be willing to inaugurate a reform in that direction. + +I think now that I would endow a home for men whose wives are no longer +able to support them. In many cases the wife who was at first able to +support her husband comfortably, finally shoulders a church debt, and in +trying to lift that she overworks and impairs her health so that she +becomes an invalid, while hor husband is left to pine away in solitude or +dependent on the cold charities of the world. + +My heart goes out toward those men even now, and in case I should fill the +grave of the eccentric millionaire, I am sure that I would do the square +thing by them. + +The method by which our wives in America are knocking the church debt +silly, by working up their husbands' groceries into “angel food” and +selling them below actual cost, is deserving of the attention of our +national financiers. + +The church debt itself is deserving of notice in this country. It +certainly thrives better under a republican form of government than any +other feature of our boasted civilization. Western towns spring up +everywhere, and the first anxiety is to name the place, the second to +incur a church debt and establish a roller rink. + +After that a general activity in trade is assured. Of course the general +hostility of church and rink will prevent _ennui_ and listlessness, and +the church debt will encourage a business boom. Naturally the church debt +cannot be paid without what is generally known through the West as the +“festival and hooraw.” This festival is an open market where the ladies +trade the groceries of their husbands to other ladies' husbands, and +everybody has a “perfectly lovely time.” The church clears $2.30, and +thirteen ladies are sick all the next day. + +This makes a boom for the physicians and later on for the undertaker and +general tombist. So it will be seen that the Western town is right in +establishing a church debt as soon as the survey is made and the town +properly named. After the first church debt has been properly started, +others will rapidly follow, so that no anxiety need be felt if the church +will come forward the first year and buy more than it can pay for. + +[Illustration: PUGILISM IN RELIGION.] + +The church debt is a comparatively modern appliance, and yet it has been +productive of many peculiar features. For instance, we call to mind the +clergyman who makes a specialty of going from place to place as a +successful debt demolisher. He is a part of the general system, just as +much as the ice cream freezer or the buttonhole bouquet. + +Then there is a row or social knock-down-and-drag-out which goes along +with the church debt. All these things add to the general interest, and to +acquire interest in one way or another is the mission of the c.d. + +I once knew a most exemplary woman who became greatly interested in the +wiping out of a church debt, and who did finally succeed in wiping out the +debt, but in its last expiring death struggle it gave her a wipe from +which she never recovered. She had succeeded in begging the milk and the +cream, and the eggs and the sandwiches, and the use of the dishes and the +sugar, and the loan of an oyster, and the use of a freezer and fifty +button-hole bouquets to be sold to men who were not in the habit of wearing +bouquets, but she could not borrow a circular artist to revolve the crank +of the freezer, so she agitated it herself. Her husband had to go away +prior to the festivities, but he ordered her not to crank the freezer. He +had very little influence with her, however, and so to-day he is a +widower. The church debt was revived in the following year, and now there +isn't a more thriving church debt anywhere in the country. Only last week +that church traded off $75 worth of groceries, in the form of asbestos +cake and celluloid angel food, in such a way that if the original cost of +the groceries and the work were not considered, the clear profit was $13, +after the hall rent was paid. And why should the first cost of the +groceries be reckoned, when we stop to think that they were involuntarily +furnished by the depraved husband and father. + +I must add, also, that in the above estimate doctors' bills and funeral +expenses are not reckoned. + +[Illustration] + + + + +A Collection of Keys. + +I'm getting to be quite a connoisseur of hotel keys as I get older. For +ten years I have been collecting these mementoes of travel and cording +them away in my key cabinet. Some have square brass tags attached to them, +others have round ones. Still others affect the octagonal, the fluted, the +hexagonal, the scalloped, the plain, the polished, the docorated, the +chaste, the Etruscan, the metropolitan, the rural, the cosmopolitan, the +shirred, the tucked, the biased, the high neck and long sleeve or the +_decolette_ style of brass check. + +I have, so far, paid my bills, but I have not returned the keys to my +room. Hotel proprietors will please take notice and govern themselves +accordingly. When my visit to a pleasant city has become a beautiful +memory only, I all at once sit down on something hard and find that it is +the key to my former room at the hotel. Sitting down on a key tag of +corrugated brass, as big as a buckwheat pancake, would remind most anyone +of something or other. + +I generally leave my tooth-brush in my room and carry off the key as a +kind of involuntary swap, so far as the hotel proprietor is concerned, but +I do not think it is a mutual benefit, particularly. I cannot use the key +to a hotel 500 miles away, and so far as a tooth-brush is concerned, it +generally has pleasant associations only for the owner. A man is fond of +his own toothbrush, but it takes years for him to love the tooth-brush of +a stranger. + +There are a good many associations attached to these keys, like the tags. +They point backward to the rooms to which the keys belong. Here is a fat +one that led to room number 33-1/2 in the Synagogue hotel. It was a +cheerful room, where the bell boy said an old man had asphyxiated himself +with gas the previous week. I had never met the old man before, but that +night, about 1 o'clock A.M., I had the pleasure of his acquaintance. He +came in a sad and reproachful way, and showed me how the post-mortem +people had disfigured him. Of course it was a little tough to be mutilated +by an inquest, but that's no reason why he should come back there and +occupy a room that I was paying for so that I could be alone. He showed me +how he blew out the gas, and told me how a man could successfully blow +down the muzzle of a shot-gun or a gas jet, but both of these weapons had +a way of blowing back. + +I have a key that brings back to me the memory of a room that I lived in +two days at one time. I do not mean that I lived the two days at once, but +that at one period I occupied that room, partially, for two days and two +nights, I say I partially occupied it, because I used to occupy it days +and share it nights with others; that is, I tried to occupy it nights. I +tried to get the clerk to throw off something because I didn't have the +exclusive use of the room. He wouldn't throw off anything. He even wanted +to fight me because I said that the room was occupied before I got it and +after I left it. Finally, I told him that if he would throw a bed quilt +over his diamond, so I could see him, I would fight him with buckwheat +cakes at five-hundred miles. I took my position the next morning at the +place appointed, but he did not appear. + + + + +Extracts from a Queen's Diary. + +January 1.--I awoke late this forenoon with a pain through the head and a +taste of ennui in the mouth, which I can hardly account for. Can it be a +result of the party last evening? I ween it may be so. We had a lovely +card party last evening. It was very enjoyable, indeed. Whist was the +game. + +January 3.--Yesterday all day I was unable to leave my room, owing to a +headache and nervous prostration, caused by late hours and too much +company, the doctor said. It is too bad, and yet I do so much enjoy our +card parties and the excitement of the game. To-night I am to take part in +a little quiet game of draw poker, I think they call it. I have not had +any experience heretofore in the game, but trust I shall soon learn it. +There has been some talk about £1 ante and £5 limit. I do not exactly +understand the terms. I hope it does not mean anything wrong. + +January 4.--Poker is an odd game, indeed. I think it quite exciting, +though at first the odd terms rather confused me. I had not been +accustomed to such phrases as “show down,” “bob-tail flush,” and “King +full.” I must ask Brown, as soon as his knees are able to be out, to +explain the meaning of these terms a little more fully to me. If poor +Brown's knees are not better soon, I shall be on kneesy about him. [Here +the diary has the appearance of being blurred with tears.] A bob-tail +flush, I learn, is something very disagreeable to have. One gentleman said +last evening that another bob-tail flush would certainly paralyze him. I +gather from that that it is something like a hectic flush. I can +understand the game called “old sledge,” and have become quite familiar +with such terms as “beg,” “gimmeone,” “I've got the thin one,” “how high +is that?” “one horse on me,” “saw-off,” etc., etc., but poker is full of +surprises. It seems so odd to see a gentleman “show out on a pair of +deuces” and gather in upward of two pounds with great merriment, while the +remainder of the party seem quite bored. One gentleman last evening showed +out on a full hand with “treys at the head,” putting £3 12s. in his purse +with great glee, while another one of the party who had not shown up, but +I am positive had a better hand, became so angered that he got up and +kicked four front teeth out of the mouth of a favorite dog worth £20. I +took part in a spade flush during the evening and was quite successful, so +that I can easily pay my traveling expenses and have a few shillings to +buy ointment for poor Brown. It was my first winning, and made me quiver +all over with excitement. The game is already very fascinating to me, and +I am becoming passionately fond of it. + +January 6.--I have just learned fully what a bob-tail flush is. It cost me +£50. I like information, but I do not like to buy it when it comes so +high. I drew two to fill in a heart flush last evening, and advanced the +money to back up my judgment; but one of the hearts I drew was a club, +which was entirely useless to me. I have sent out a sheriff with a bulldog +to ascertain if he can find the whereabouts of the party who started this +poker game, I do not know when I have felt so bored. After that I was so +timid that I allowed a friend to walk off with £2 on a pair of deuces. I +said to him that I called that a deuced bore, and he laughed heartily. + +I find that you should not be too ready to show by your countenance +whether you are bored or pleased in poker. Tour opponent will take +advantage of it and play accordingly. It cost me £8 10s. to acquire a +knowledge of this fact. If all the information I ever got had cost me as +much as this poker wisdom, I would not now have two pennies to jingle +together in my purse. Still, we have had a good time, take it all in all, +and I shall not soon forget the evenings we have spent here together +buying knowledge regardless of cost. I think I shall try to control my +wild thirst for information awhile, however, till I can get some more +funds. + +[Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and on turning the book over we find +the royal signature at the foot of the last page, “The Queen of Spades.”] + + + + +Shorts. + +A Colorado burro has been shipped across the Atlantic and presented to the +Prince of Wales. It is a matter of profound national sorrow that this was +not the first American jackass presented to his Tallness, the Prince. + +At Omaha last week a barrel of sauer kraut rolled out of a wagon and +struck O'Leary H. Oleson, who was trying to unload it, with such force as +to kill him instantly and to flatten him out like a kiln-dried codfish. +Still, after thousands of such instances on record, there are many +scientists who maintain that sauer kraut is conducive to longevity. + +As an evidence of the healthfulness of mountain climate, the people of +Denver point to a man who came there in '77 without flesh enough to bait a +trap, and now he puts sleeves in an ordinary feather-bed and pulls it on +over his head for a shirt. People in poor health who wish to communicate +with the writer in relation to the facts above stated, are requested to +enclose two unlicked postage stamps to insure a reply. + +At Ubet, M.T., during the cold snap in January, one of the most inhuman +outrages known in the annals of crime was perpetrated upon a young man who +went West in the fall, hoping to make his pile in time to return in May +and marry the New York heiress selected before he went. + +While stopping at the hotel, two frolicsome young women hired the porter +to procure the young man's pantaloons at dead of night They then sewed up +the bottoms of the legs, threw the doctored garment back through the +transom and squealed “Fire!” + +When he got into the hall he was vainly trying to stab one foot through +the limb of his pantaloons while he danced around on the other and joined +in the general cry of “Fire!” The hall seemed filled with people, who were +running this way and that, ostensibly seeking a mode of egress from the +flames, but in reality trying to dodge the mad efforts of the young man, +who was trying to insert himself in his obstinate pantaloons. + +He did not tumble, as it were, until the night watchman got a Babcock fire +extinguisher and played on him. I do not know what he played on him. Very +likely it was, “Sister, what are the wild waves saying?” + +Anyway, he staggered into his room, and although he could hear the +audience outside in their wild, tumultuous encore, he refused to come +before the curtain, but locked his door and sobbed himself to sleep, + +How often do we forget the finer feelings of others and ignore their +sorrow while we revel in some great joy. + + + + +“We.” + +The world is full of literary people to-day, and they are divided into +three classes, viz: Those who have written for the press, those who are +writing for the press, and those who want to write for the press. Of the +first, there are those who tried it and found that they could make more in +half the time at something else, and so quit the field, and those who +failed to touch the great heart and pocketbook of the public, and +therefore subsided. Those who are writing for the press now, whether +putting together copy by the mile within the sound of the rumbling engine +and press, or scattered through the country writing more at their leisure, +find that they have to lay aside every weight and throw off all the +incumbrances of the mossy past. + +One thing, however, still clings to the editor like a dab of paste on a +white vest or golden fleck of scrambled egg on a tawny moustache. One +relic of barbarism rears in gaunt form amid the clash and hurry and rush +of civilization, and in the dazzling light of science and smartness. + +It is “we.” + +The budding editor of the rural civilizer for the first time peels his +coat and sharpens his pencil to begin the work of changing the great +current of public opinion. He is strong in his desire to knock error and +wrong galley west. He has buckled on his armor to paralyze monopoly and +purify the ballot He has hitched up his pantaloons with a noble resolve +and covered his table with virgin paper. + +He is young, and he is a little egotistical, also. He wants to say, “I +believe” so and so, but he can't. Perspiration breaks out all over him. He +bites his pencil, and looks up with his clenched hand in his hair. The +slimy demon of the editor's life is there, sitting on the cloth bound +volume containing the report of the United States superintendent of swine +diseases. + +Wherever you find a young man unloading a Washington hand press to fill a +long-felt want, there you will find the ghastly and venomous “we,” ready +to look over the shoulder of the timid young mental athlete. Wherever you +find a ring of printer's ink around the door knob, and the snowy towel on +which the foreman wipes the pink tips of his alabaster fingers, you will +find the slimy, scaly folds of “we” curled up in some neighboring corner. + +From the huge metropolitan journal, whose subscribers could make or bust a +president, or make a blooming king wish he had never been born, down to +the obscure and unknown dodger whose first page is mostly electrotype +head, whose second and third pages are patent, whose news is eloquent of +the dear dead past, whose fourth page ushers in a new baby, or heralds the +coming of the circus, or promulgates the fact that its giant editor has a +felon on his thumb, the trail of the serpent “we” is over them all. It is +all we have to remind us of royalty in America, with the exception, +perhaps, of the case now and then where a king full busts a bob-tail +flush. + + + + +A Mountain Snowstorm. + +September does not always indicate golden sunshine, and ripening corn, and +old gold pumpkin pies on the half-shell. We look upon it as the month of +glorious perfection in the handiwork of the seasons and the time when the +ripened fruits are falling; when the red sun hides behind the bronze and +misty evening, and says good night with reluctance to the beautiful +harvests and the approaching twilight of the year. + +It was on a red letter day of this kind, years ago, that Wheeler and +myself started out under the charge of Judge Blair and Sheriff Baswell to +visit the mines at Last Chance, and more especially the Keystone, a gold +mine that the Judge had recently become president of. The soft air of +second summer in the Rocky Mountains blew gently past our ears as we rode +up the valley of the Little Laramie, to camp the first night at the head +of the valley behind Sheep Mountain. The whole party was full of joy. Even +Judge Blair, with the frosts of over sixty winters in his hair, broke +forth into song. That's the only thing I ever had against Judge Blair. He +would forget himself sometimes and burst forth into song. + +The following day we crossed the divide and rode down the gulch into the +camp on Douglass Creek, where the musical thunder of the stamp mills +seemed to jar the ground, and the rapid stream below bore away on its +turbid bosom the yellowish tinge of the golden quartz. It was a perfect +day, and Wheeler and I blessed our stars and, instead of breathing the air +of sour paste and hot presses in the newspaper offices, away in the +valley, we were sprawling in the glorious sunshine of the hills, playing +draw poker with the miners in the evening, and forgetful of the daily +newspaper where one man does the work and the other draws the salary. It +was heaven. It was such luxury that we wanted to swing our hats and yell +like Arapahoes. + +The next morning we were surprised to find that it had snowed all night +and was snowing still. I never saw such flakes of snow in my life. They +came sauntering through the air like pure, white Turkish towels falling +from celestial clothes-lines. We did not return that day. We played a few +games of chance, but they were brief. We finally made it five cent ante, +and, as I was working then for an alleged newspaper man who paid me $50 +per month to edit his paper nights and take care of his children daytimes, +I couldn't keep abreast of the Judge, the Sheriff and the Superintendent +of the Keystone. + +The next day we had to go home. The snow lay ankle-deep everywhere and the +air was chilly and raw. Wheeler and I tried to ride, but the mountain road +was so rough that the horses could barely move through the snow, dragging +the buggy after them. So we got out and walked on ahead to keep warm. We +gained very fast on the team, for we were both long-legged and measured +off the miles like a hired man going to dinner. I wore a pair of +glove-fitting low shoes and lisle-thread socks. I can remember that yet. I +would advise anyone going into the mines not to wear lisle-thread socks +and low shoes. You are liable to stick your foot into a snow-bank or a mud +hole and dip up too much water. I remember that after we had walked +through the pine woods down the mountain road a few miles, I noticed that +the bottoms of my pantaloons looked like those of a drowned tramp I saw +many years ago in the morgue. We gave out after a while, waited for the +team, but decided that it had gone the other road. All at once it flashed +over us that we were alone in the woods and the storm, wet, nearly +starved, ignorant of the road and utterly worn out! + +[Illustration: IT WAS TOUGH.] + +It was tough! + +I never felt so blue, so wet, so hungry, or so hopeless in my life. We +moved on a little farther. All at once we came out of the timber. There +was no snow whatever! At that moment the sun burst forth, we struck a +deserted supply wagon, found a two-pound can of Boston baked beans, got an +axe from the load, chopped open the can, and had just finished the +tropical fruit of Massachusetts when our own team drove up, and joy and +hope made their homes once more in our hearts. + +We may learn from this a valuable lesson, but at this moment I do not know +exactly what it is. + + + + +Lost Money. + +Most anyone could collect and tell a good many incidents about lost money +that has been found, if he would try, but these cases came under my own +observation and I can vouch for their truth. + +A farmer in the Kinnekinnick Valley was paid $1,000 while he was loading +hay. He put it in his vest pocket, and after he had unloaded the hay he +discovered that he had lost it, and no doubt had pitched the whole load +into the mow on top of it. He went to work and pitched it all out, a +handful at a time, upon the barn floor, and when the hired man's fork tine +came up with a $100 bill on it he knew they had struck a lead. He got it +all. + +A man gave me two $5 bills once to pay a balance on some store teeth and +asked me to bring the teeth back with me. The dentist was fifteen miles +away and when I got there I found I had lost the money. That was before I +had amassed much of a fortune, so I went to the tooth foundry and told the +foreman that I had started with $10 to get a set of teeth for an intimate +friend, but had lost the funds. He said that my intimate friend would, no +doubt, have to gum it awhile. Owing to the recent shrinkage in values he +was obliged to sell teeth for cash, as the goods were comparatively +useless after they had been used one season. I went back over the same +road the next day and found the money by the side of the road, although a +hundred teams had passed by it. + +A young man, one spring, plowed a pocket-book and $30 in greenbacks under, +and by a singular coincidence the next spring it was plowed out, and, +though rotten clear through, was sent to the Treasury, where it was +discovered that the bills were on a Michigan National Bank, whither they +were sent and redeemed. + +I lost a roll of a hundred dollars the spring of '82, and hunted my house +and the office through, in search for it, in vain. I went over the road +between the office and the house twenty times, but it was useless. I then +advertised the loss of the money, giving the different denominations of +the bills and stating, as was the case, that there was an elastic band +around the roll when lost. The paper had not been issued more than an hour +before I got my money, every dollar of it. It was in the pocket of my +other vest. + +This should teach us, first, the value of advertising, and, secondly, the +utter folly of two vests at the same time. + +Apropos of recent bank failures, I want to tell this one on James S. +Kelley, commonly called “Black Jim.” He failed himself along in the +fifties, and by a big struggle had made out to pay everybody but Lo +Bartlett, to whom he was indebted in the sum of $18. He got this money, +finally, and as Lo wasn't in town, Black Jim put it in a bank, the name of +which has long ago sunk into oblivion. In fact, it began the oblivion +business about forty-eight hours after Jim had put his funds in there. + +Meeting Lo on the street, Jim said: + +“Your money is up in the Wild Oat Bank, Lo. I'll give you a check for it.” + +“No use, old man, she's gone up.” + +“No!!” + +“Yes, she's a total wreck.” + +Jim went over to the president's room. He knocked as easy as he could, +considering that his breath was coming so hard. + +“Who's there?” + +“It's Jim Kelley, Black Jim, and I'm in something of a hurry.” + +“Well, I'm very busy, Mr. Kelley. Come again this afternoon.” + +“That will be too remote. I am very busy myself. Now is the accepted time. +Will you open the door or shall I open it.” + +The president opened it because it was a good door and he wanted to +preserve it. + +Black Jim turned the key in the door and sat down. + +“What did you want of me?” says the president + +“I wanted to see you about a certificate of deposit I've got here on your +bank for eighteen dollars.” + +“We can't pay it. Everything is gone.” + +“Well, I am here to get $18 or to leave you looking like a giblet pie. +Eighteen dollars will relieve you of this mental strain, but if you do not +put up I will paper this wall with your classic features and ruin the +carpet with what remains.” + +The president hesitated a moment. Then he took a roll out of his boot and +paid Jim eighteen dollars. + +“You will not mention this on the street, of course,” said the president. + +“No,” says Jim, “not till I get there.” + +When the crowd got back, however, the president had fled and he has +remained fled ever since. The longer he remained away and thought it over, +the more he became attached to Canada, and the more of a confirmed and +incurable fugitive he became. + +I saw Black Jim last evening and he said he had passed through two bank +failures, but had always realized on his certificates of deposit. One +cashier told Jim that he was the homeliest man that ever looked through +the window of a busted bank. He said Kelley looked like a man who ate bank +cashiers on toast and directors raw with a slice of lemon on top. + + + + +Dr. Dizart's Dog. + +A man whose mother-in-law had been successfully treated by the doctor, one +day presented him with a beautiful Italian hound named Nemesis. + +When I say that the able physician had treated the mother-in-law +successfully, I mean successfully from her son-in-law's standpoint, and +not from her own, for the doctor insisted on treating her for small-pox +when she had nothing but an attack of agnostics. She is now sitting on the +front stoop of the golden whence. + +So, after the last sad rites, the broken-hearted son-in-law presented the +physician with a handsome hound with long, slender legs and a wire tail, +as a token of esteem and regard. + +The dog was young and playful, as all young dogs are, so he did many +little tricks which amused almost everyone. + +One day, while the doctor was away administering a subcutaneous injection +of morphine to a hay-fever patient, he left Nemesis in the office alone +with a piece of rag-carpet and his surging thoughts. + +At first Nemesis closed his eyes and breathed hard, then he arose and ate +part of an ottoman, then he got up and scratched the paper off the office +wall and whined in a sad tone of voice. + +A young Italian hound has a peculiarly sad and depressing song. + +Then Nemesis got up on the desk and poured the ink and mucilage into one +of the drawers on some bandages and condition-powders that the doctor used +in his horse-practice. + +Nemesis then looked out of the window and wailed. He filled the room with +robust wail and unavailing regret. + +After that he tried to dispel his _ennui_ with one of the doctor's old +felt hats that hung on a chair; but the hair oil with which it was +saturated changed his mind. + +The doctor had magenta hair, and to tone it down so that it would not +raise the rate of fire insurance on his office, he used to execute some +studies on it in oil--bear's oil. + +This gave his hair a rich mahogany shade, and his hat smelled and looked +like an oil refinery. + +That is the reason Nemesis spared the hat, and ate a couple of +porousplasters that his master was going to use on a case of croup. + +At that time the doctor came in, and the dog ran to him with a glad cry of +pleasure, rubbing his cold nose against his master's hand. The able +veterinarian spoke roughly to Nemesis, and throwing a cigar-stub at him, +broke two of the animal's delicate legs. + +[Illustration: BUSTLE AND CONFUSION.] + +After that there was a low discordant murmur and the angry hum of medical +works, lung-testers, glass jars containing tumors and other bric-a-brac, +paper-weights and Italian grayhound bisecting the orbit of a redheaded +horse-physician with dude shoes. + +When the police came in, it was found that Nemesis had jumped through a +glass door and escaped on two legs and his ear. + +Out through the autumnal haze, across the intervening plateau, over the +low foot-hills, and up the Medicine Bow Range, on and ever onward sped the +timid, grieved and broken-hearted pup, accumulating with wonderful +eagerness the intervening distance between himself and the cruel promoter +of the fly-blister and lingering death. + +How often do we thoughtlessly grieve the hearts of those who love us, and +drive forth into the pitiless world those who would gladly lick our hands +with their warm loving tongues, or warm their cold noses in the meshes of +our necks. + +How prone we are to forget the devotion of a dumb brute that thoughtlessly +eats our lace lambrequins, and ere we have stopped to consider our mad +course, we have driven the loving heart and the warm wet tongue and the +cold little black nose out of our home-life, perhaps into the cold, cold +grave or the bleak and relentless pound. + + + + +Chinese Justice. + +They do things differently in China. Here in America, when a man burgles +your residence, you go and confide in a detective, who keeps your secret +and gets another detective to help him. Generally that is the last of it. +In China, not long ago, the house of a missionary was entered and +valuables taken by the thieves. The missionary went to the authorities +with his tale and told them whom he suspected. That's the last he heard of +that for three weeks. Then he received a covered champagne basket from the +Department of Justice. On opening it he found the heads of the suspected +burglars packed in tinfoil and in a good state of preservation. These +heads were not sent necessarily for publication, but as an evidence of +good faith on the part of the Department of Unimpeded Justice. Mind you, +there was no postponement of the preliminary examination, no dilatory +motions and changes of venue, no pleas to the jurisdiction of the court, +no legal delays and final challenges of jurors until an idiotic jury had +been procured who hadn't read the papers, no ruling out of damaging +testimony, and finally filing of bill of exceptions, no appeal and delay, +or appeal afterward to another court which returned the defendant to the +court of original jurisdiction for review, and years of waiting for the +prosecuting witnesses to die of old age and thus release the defendant. +There is nothing of that kind in China. You just hand in your orders to +the judicial end of the administration, and then you retire. Later on, the +delivery man brings in your package of heads, makes a salaam, and goes +away. + +Now, this is swift and speedy justice for you. I don't know how the guilt +of the defendants is arrived at, but there's nothing tedious about it. At +least, there's nothing tedious to the complainant I presume they make it +red-hot for the criminal. + +Still this style of justice has its drawbacks. For instance, you are at +dinner. You have a large and select company dining with you. You are about +to carve the roast There is a ring at the door. The servant announces that +a judicial officer is at the drawbridge and desires to speak with you. You +pull your napkin out of your bosom, lay the carving knife down on the +virgin table cloth, and go to the door. There the minister of justice +presents you with a champagne basket and retires. You return to the dining +hall, leaving your basket on the sideboard. After a while you announce to +your guests that you have just received a basket of Mumm's extra dry with +the compliments of the government, and that you will, with the permission +of those present, open a bottle. You arm yourself with a corkscrew, open +the basket, and thoughtlessly tip it over, when two or three human heads, +with a pained and grieved expression on the face, roll out on the table. + +When you are looking for a quart bottle of sparkling wine and find instead +the cold, sad features and reproachful stare of the extremely deceased and +_hic jacet_ Chinaman, you naturally betray your chagrin. I like to see +justice moderately swift, and, in fact I've seen it pretty forthwith in +its movements two or three times; but I cannot say that I would be +prepared for this style. + +Perhaps I'm getting a little nervous in my old age, and a small matter +jars my equilibrium; but I'm sure a basket of heads handed in as I was +seated at the table would startle me a little at first, and I might forget +myself. + +A friend of mine, under such circumstances, made what the English would +call “a doosed clevah” remark once in Shanghai. When he opened the basket +he was horrified, but he was cool. He was old sang froid from +Sangfroidville. He first took the basket and started for the back room, +with the remark: “My friends, I guess you will have to ex-queuese me.” + Then he pulled down his eyelids and laughed a hoarse English laugh. + + + + +Answers to Correspondents. + +Caller--Your calling cards should be modest as to size and neatly +engraved, with an extra flourish. + +In calling, there are two important things to be considered: First, when +to call, and, second, when to rise and hang on the door handle. + +Some make one-third of the call before rising, and then complete the call +while airing the house and holding the door open, while others consider +this low and vulgar, making at least one-fourth of the call in the hall, +and one-half between the front door and the gate. Different authorities +differ as to the proper time for calling. Some think you should not call +before 3 or after 5 P.M., but if you have had any experience and had +ordinary sense to start with, you will know when to call as soon as you +look at your hand. + +[Illustration] + +Amateur Prize Fighter.--The boxing glove is a large upholstered buckskin +mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a string by which it is attached to the +wrist, so that when you feed it to an adversary he cannot swallow it and +choke himself. There are two kinds of gloves, viz., hard gloves and soft +gloves. + +I once fought with soft gloves to a finish with a young man who was far my +inferior intellectually, but he exceeded me in brute force and knowledge +of the use of the gloves. He was not so tall, but he was wider than +myself. Longitudinally he was my inferior, but latitudinally he +outstripped me. We did not fight a regular prize-fight. It was just done +for pleasure. But I do not think we should abandon ourselves entirely to +pleasure. It is enervating, and makes one eye swell up and turn blue. + +I still think that a young man ought to have a knowledge of the manly art +of self-defense, and if I could acquire such a knowledge without getting +into a fight about it I would surely learn how to defend myself. + +The boxing glove is worn on the hand of one party, and on the gory nose of +the other party as the game progresses. Soft gloves very rarely kill +anyone, unless they work down into the bronchial tubes and shut off the +respiration. + +[Illustration: “HE EXCEEDED ME IN BRUTE FORCE.”] + +Lecturer, New York City.--You need not worry so much about your costume +until you have written your lecture, and it would be a good idea to test +the public a little, if possible, before you do much expensive printing. +Your idea seems to be that a man should get a fine lithograph of himself +and a $100 suit of clothes, and then write his lecture to fit the +lithograph and the clothes. That is erroneous. + +You say that you have written a part of your lecture, but do not feel +satisfied with it. In this you will no doubt find many people will agree +with you. + +You could wear a full dress suit of black with propriety, or a Prince +Albert coat, with your hand thrust into the bosom of it. I once lectured +on the subject of phrenology in the southern portion of Utah, being at +that time temporarily busted, but still hoping to tide over the dull times +by delivering a lecture on the subject of “Brains, and how to detect their +presence.” I was not supplied with a phrenological bust at that time, and +as such a thing is almost indispensable, I borrowed a young man from +Provost and induced him to act as bust for the evening. He did so with +thrilling effect, taking the entire gross receipts of the lecture course +from my coat pocket while I was illustrating the effect of alcoholic +stimulants on the raw brain of an adult in a state of health. + +[Illustration: MAKING REPAIRS.] + +You can remove spots of egg from your full dress suit with ammonia and +water, applied by means of a common nail brush. You do not ask for this +recipe, but, judging from your style, I hope that it may be of use to you. + +Martin F. Tupper, Texas.--The poem to which you allude was written by +Julia A. Moore, better known as the Sweet Singer of Michigan. The last +stanza was something like this: + + “My childhood days are past and gone, + And it fills my heart with pain, + To think that youth will nevermore + Return to me again. + And now, kind friends, what I have wrote, + I hope you will pass o'er + And not criticise as some has hitherto here-- + before done.” + +Miss Moore also wrote a volume of poems which the farmers of Michigan are +still using on their potato bugs. She wrote a large number of poems, all +more or less saturated with grief and damaged syntax. She is now said to +be a fugitive from justice. We should learn from this that we cannot evade +the responsibility of our acts, and those who write obituary poetry will +one day be overtaken by a bob-tail sleuth hound or a Siberian nemesis with +two rows of teeth. + +Alonzo G., Smithville.--Yes, you can learn three card monte without a +master. It is very easy. The book will cost you twenty-five cents and then +you can practice on various people. The book is a very small item, you +will find, after you have been practicing awhile. Three card monte and +justifiable homicide go hand in hand. 2. You can turn a jack from the +bottom of the pack in the old sledge, if you live in some States, but west +of the Missouri the air is so light that men who have tried it have +frequently waked up on the shore of eternity with a half turned jack in +their hand, and a hole in the cerebellum the size of an English walnut. + +You can get “Poker and Three Card Monte without a Master” for sixty cents, +with a coroner's verdict thrown in. If you contemplate a career as a monte +man, you should wear a pair of low, loose shoes that you can kick off +easily, unless you want to die with your boots on. + +Henry Ubet, Montana.--No, you are mistaken in your assumption that +Socrates was the author of the maxim to which you allude. It is of more +modern origin, and, in fact, the sentence of which you speak, viz: “What a +combination of conflicting and paradoxical assertions is life? Of what use +are logic and argument when we find the true inwardness of the bologna +sausage on the outside?” were written by a philosopher who is still +living. I am willing to give Socrates credit for what he has said and +done, but when I think of a sentiment that is worthy to be graven on a +monolith and passed on down to prosperity, I do not want to have it +attributed to such men as Socrates. + +Leonora Vivian Gobb, Oleson's Forks, Ariz.--Yes. You can turn the front +breadths, let out the tucks in the side plaiting and baste on a new dagoon +where you caught the oyster stew in your lap at the party. You could also +get trusted for a new dress, perhaps. But that is a matter of taste. Some +dealers are wearing their open accounts long this winter and some are not. +Do as you think best about cleaning the dress. Benzine will sometimes +eradicate an oyster stew from dress goods. It will also eradicate everyone +in the room at the same time. I have known a pair of rejuvenated kid +gloves to break up a funeral that started out with every prospect of +success. Benzine is an economical thing to use, but socially it is not up +to the standard. Another idea has occurred to me, however. Why not riprap +the skirt, calk the solvages, readjust the box plaits, cat stitch the +crown sheet, file down the gores, sandpaper the gaiters and discharge the +dolman. You could then wear the garment anywhere in the evening, and half +the people wouldn't know anything had happened to it. + +James, Owatonna, Minn.--You can easily teach yourself to play on the tuba. +You know what Shakespeare says: “Tuba or not tuba? That's the question.” + +How true this is? It touches every heart. It is as good a soliliquy as I +ever read. P.S.--Please do not swallow the tuba while practicing and +choke yourself to death. It would be a shame for you to swallow a nice new +tuba and cast a gloom over it so that no one else would ever want to play +on it again. + +Florence.--You can stimulate your hair by using castor oil three ounces, +brandy one ounce. Put the oil on the sewing machine, and absorb the brandy +between meals. The brandy will no doubt fly right to your head and either +greatly assist your hair or it will reconcile you to your lot. The great +attraction about brandy as a hair tonic is, that it should not build up +the thing. If you wish, you may drink the brandy and then breathe hard on +the scalp. This will be difficult at first but after awhile it will not +seem irksome. + + + + +Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac. + +Parties desiring to buy a job-lot of garden tools, will do well to call +and examine my stock. These implements have been but slightly used, and +are comparatively as good as new. The lot consists in part of the +following: + +One three-cornered hoe, Gothic in its architecture and in good running +order. It is the same one I erroneously hoed up the carnation with, and +may be found, I think, behind the barn, where I threw it when I discovered +my error. Original cost of hoe, six bits. Will be closed out now at two +bits to make room for new goods. + +Also one garden rake, almost as good as new. One front tooth needs +filling, and then it will be as good as ever. I sell this weapon, not so +much to get rid of it, but because I do not want it any more. I shall not +garden any next spring. I do not need to. I began it to benefit my health, +and my health is now so healthy that I shall not require the open-air +exercise incident to gardening any more. In fact, I am too robust, if +anything. I will, therefore, acting upon the advice of my royal physician, +close this rake out, since the failure of the Northwestern Car Company, at +50 cents on the dollar. + +Also one lawn-mower, only used once. At that time I cut down what grass I +had on my lawn, and three varieties of high-priced rose bushes. It is one +of the most hardy open-air lawn-mowers now made. It will outlive any other +lawn-mower, and be firm and unmoved when all the shrubbery has gone to +decay. You can also mow your peony bed with it, if you desire. I tried it. +This is also an easy running lawn-mower, I would recommend it to any man +who would like to soak his lawn with perspiration. I mowed my lawn, and +then pushed a street-car around in the afternoon to relax my over-strained +muscles. I will sacrifice this lawn-mower at three-quarters of its +original cost, owing to depression in the stock of the New Jerusalem gold +mine, of which I am a large owner and cashier-at-large. + +Will also sell a bright new spade, only used two hours spading for +angle-worms. This is a good, early-blooming and very hardy angle-worm +spade, built in the Doric style of architecture. Persons desiring a spade +flush, and lacking one spade to “fill,” will do well to give me a call. No +trouble to show the goods. + +I will also part with a small chest of carpenter's tools, only slightly +used. I had intended to do a good deal of amateur carpenter work this +summer, but, as the presidential convention occurs in June, and I shall +have to attend to that, and as I have already sawed up a Queen Anne chair, +and thoughtlessly sawed into my leg, I shall probably sacrifice the tools. +These tools are all well made, and I do not sell them to make money on +them, but because I have no use for them. I feel as though these tools +would be safer in the hands of a carpenter. I'm no carpenter. My wife +admitted that when I sawed a board across the piano-stool and sawed the +what-do-you-call-it all out of the cushion. + +[Illustration: OPEN-AIR EXERCISE.] + +Anyone desiring to monkey with the carpenter's trade, will do well to +consult my catalogue and price-list. I will throw in a white holly +corner-bracket, put together with fence nails, and a rustic settee that +looks like the Cincinnati riot. Young men who do not know much, and +invalids whose minds have become affected, are cordially invited to call +and examine goods. For a cash trade I will also throw in arnica, +court-plaster and salve enough to run the tools two weeks, if ordinary +care be taken. + +If properly approached, I might also be wheedled into sacrificing an +easy-running domestic wheelbarrow. I have domesticated it myself and +taught it a great many tricks. + + + + +A Convention. + +The officers and members of the Home for Disabled Butter and Hoary-headed +Hotel Hash met at their mosque last Saturday evening, and, after the roll +call, reading of the moments of the preceding meeting by the Secretary, +singing of the ode and examination of all present to ascertain if they +were in possession of the quarterly password, explanation and signs of +distress, the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi, having reached the order of +communications and new business and good of the order, stated that the +society was now ready to take action, or, at least, to discuss the +feasibility of holding a series of entertainments at the rink. These +entertainments had been proposed as a means of propping up the tottering +finances of the society, and procuring much-needed funds for the purpose +of purchasing new regalia for the Most Esteemed Duke of the Dishrag and +the Most Esteemed Hired Man, each of whom had been wearing the same red +calico collar and cheese-cloth sash since the organization of the society. +Funds were also necessary to pay for a brother who had walked through a +railroad trestle into the shoreless sea of eternity, and whose widow had a +policy of $135.25 against this society on the life of her husband. + +Various suggestions were made; among them was the idea advanced by the +Most Highly Esteemed Inside Door-Slammer that, as the society's object +was, of course, to obtain funds, would it not be well to consider, in the +first place, whether it would not be as well for the Most Esteemed +Toolymuckahi to appoint six brethren in good standing to arm themselves +with great care, gird up their loins and muzzle the pay-car as it started +out on its mission. He simply offered this as a suggestion, and, as it was +a direct method of securing the coin necessary, he would move that such a +committee be appointed by the Chair to wait on the pay-car and draw on it +at sight. + +The Most Esteemed Keeper of the Cork-screw seconded the motion, in order, +as he said, to get it before the house. This brought forward very hot +discussion, pending which the presiding officer could see very plainly +that the motion was unpopular. + +A visiting brother from Yellowstone Park Creamery No. 17, stated that in +their society “an entertainment of this kind had been given for the +purpose of pouring a flood of wealth into the coffers of the society, and +it had been fairly successful. Among the attractions there had been +nothing of an immoral or lawless nature whatever. In the first place, a +kind of farewell oyster gorge had been given, with cove oysters as a +basis, and $2 a couple as an after-thought. A can of cove oysters +entertained thirty people and made $30 for the society. Besides, it was +found after the party had broken up that, owing to the adhesive properties +of the oysters, they were not eaten; but the juice, as it were, had been +scooped up and the puckered and corrugated gizzards of the sea had been +preserved. Acting upon this suggestion, the society had an oyster patty +debauch the following evening at $2 a couple. Forty suckers came and put +their means into the common fund. We didn't have enough oysters to quite +go around, so some of us cut a dozen out of an old boot leg, and the +entertainment was a great success. We also had other little devices for +making money, which worked admirably and yielded much profit to the +society. Those present also said that they had never enjoyed themselves so +much before. Many little games were played, which produced great merriment +and considerable coin. I could name a dozen devices for your society, if +desired, by which money could be made for your treasury, without the risk +or odium necessarily resulting from robbing the pay-car or a bank, and yet +the profit will be nearly as great in proportion to the work done.” + +Here the gavel of the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi fell with a sickening +thud, and the visiting brother was told that the time assigned to +communications, new business and good of the order had expired, but that +the discussion would be taken up at the next session, in one week, at +which time it was the purpose of the chair to hear and note all +suggestions relative to an entertainment to be given at a future date by +the society for the purpose of obtaining the evanescent scad and for the +successful flash of the reluctant boodle. + + + + +Come Back. + +Personal.--Will the young woman who used to cook in our family, and who +went away ten pounds of sugar and five and a half pounds of tea ahead of +the game, please come back, and all will be forgiven. + +If she cannot return, will she please write, stating her present address, +and also give her reasons for shutting up the cat in the refrigerator when +she went away? + +If she will only return, we will try to forget the past, and think only of +the glorious present and the bright, bright future. + +Come back, Sarah, and jerk the waffle-iron for us once more. + +Your manners are peculiar, but we yearn for your doughnuts, and your style +of streaked cake suits us exactly. + +You may keep the handkerchiefs and the collars, and we will not refer to +the dead past. + +We have arranged it so that when you snore it will not disturb the night +police, and if you do not like our children we will send them away. + +We realize that you do not like children very well, and our children +especially gave you much pain, because they were not so refined as you +were. + +We have often wished, for your sake, that we had never had any children; +but so long as they are in our family, the neighbors will rather expect us +to take care of them. + +Still, if you insist upon it, we will send them away. We don't want to +seem overbearing with our servants. + +We would be willing, also, to give you more time for mental relaxation +than you had before. The intellectual strain incident to the life of one +who makes gravy for a lost and undone world must be very great, and tired +nature must at last succumb. We do not want you to succumb. If anyone has +got to succumb, let us do it. + +All we ask is that you will let us know when you are going away, and leave +the crackers and cheese where we can find them. + +It was rather rough on us to have you go away when we had guests in the +house, but if you had not taken the key to the cooking department we could +have worried along. + +You ought to let us have company at the house sometimes if we will let you +have company when you want to. Still, you know best, perhaps. You are +older than we are, and you have seen more of the world. + +We miss your gentle admonitions and your stern reproofs sadly. Come back +and reprove us again. Come back and admonish us once more, at so much per +admonish and groceries. + +[Illustration: “WE HOPE YOU WILL DO THE SAME BY US.”] + +We will agree to let you select the tender part of the steak, and such +fruit as seems to strike you favorably, just as we did before. We did not +like it when you were here, but that is because we were young and did not +know what the custom was. + +If a life-time devoted to your welfare can obliterate the injustice we +have done you, we will be glad to yield it to you. + +If you could suggest a good place for us to send the children, where they +would be well taken care of, and where they would not interfere with some +other cook who is a friend of yours, we would be glad to have you write +us. + +My wife says she hopes you will feel perfectly free to use the piano +whenever you are lonely or sad, and when you or the bread feel depressed +you will be welcome to come into the parlor and lean up against either one +of us and sob. + +We all know that when you were with us before we were a little reserved in +our manner toward you, but if you come back it will be different. + +We will introduce you to more of our friends this time, and we hope you +will do the same by us. Young people are apt to get above their business, +and we admit that we were wrong. + +Come back and oversee our fritter bureau once more. + +Take the portfolio of our interior department. + +Try to forget our former coldness. + +Return, oh, wanderer, return! + + + + +A New Play. + +The following letter was written, recently, in reply to a dramatist who +proposed the matter of writing a play jointly. + +Hudson, Wis., Nov. 13, 1886. + +Scott Marble, Esq.--Dear Sir: I have just received your favor of +yesterday, in which you ask me to unite with you in the construction of a +new play. + +This idea has been suggested to me before, but not in such a way as to +inaugurate the serious thought which your letter has stirred up in my +seething mass of mind. + +I would like very much to unite with you in the erection of such a +dramatic structure that people would cheerfully come to this country from +Europe, and board with us for months in order to see this play every +night. + +You will surely agree with me that someone ought to write a play. Why it +has not been done long ago, I cannot understand. A well known comedian +told me a year ago that he hadn't been able to look into a paper for +sixteen months. He could not even read over the proof of his own press +notices and criticisms, to ascertain whether the printer had set them up +as he wrote them or not, simply because it took all his spare time off the +stage to examine the manuscripts of plays that had been submitted to him. + +But I think we could arrange it so that we might together construct +something in that line which would at least attract the attention of our +families. + +Would you mind telling me, for instance, how you write a play? You have +been in the business before, and you could tell me, of course, some of the +salient points about it. Do you write it with a typewriter, or do you +dictate your thoughts to someone who does not resent being dictated to? + +Do you write a play and then dramatize it, or do you write the drama and +then play on it? Would it not be a very good idea to secure a plot that +would cost very little, and then put the kibosh on it, or would you put up +the lines first, and then hang the plot or drama, or whatever it is, on +the lines? Is it absolutely necessary to have a prologue? If so, what is a +prologue? Is it like a catalogue? + +I have a great many crude ideas, but you see I am not practical. One of my +crude ideas is to introduce into the play an artist's studio. This would +not cost much, for we could borrow the studio evenings and allow the +artist to use it daytimes. Then we would introduce into the studio scene +the artist's living model. Everybody would be horrified, but they would +go. They would walk over each other to attend the drama, and we would do +well. Our living model in the studio act would be made of common wax, and +if it worked well, we would discharge other members of the company and +substitute wax. Gradually we could get it down to where the company would +be wax, with the exception of a janitor with a feather duster. Think that +over. + +But seriously, a play, it seems to me, should embody an idea. Am I correct +in that theory or not? It ought to convey some great thought, some maxim +or aphorism, or some such a thing as that. How would it do to arrange a +play with the idea of impressing upon the audience that “the fool and his +money are soon parted?” Are you using a hero and a heroine in your plays +now? If so, would you mind writing their lines for them, while I arrange +the details and remarks for the young man who is discovered asleep on a +divan when the curtain rises, and who sleeps on through the play with his +mouth slightly ajar till the close--the close of the play, not the close +of his mouth--when it is discovered that he is dead. He then plays the +cold remains in the closing tableau, and fills a new-made grave at $9 per +week. + +I could also write the lines, I think, for the young man who comes in +wearing a light summer cane and a seersucker coat so tight that you can +count his vertebrae. I could write what he would say without great mental +strain, I think. I must avoid mental strain or my intellect might split +down the back and I would be a mental wreck, good for nothing but to strew +the shores of time with myself. + +Various other crude ideas present themselves to my mind, but they need to +be clothed. You will say that this is unnecessary. I know you will at once +reply that, for the stage, the less you clothe an idea the more popular it +will be, but I could not consent to have even a bare thought of mine make +an appearance night after night before a cultivated audience. + +What do you think of introducing a genuine case of small-pox on the stage? +You say in your letter that what the American people clamor for is +something “catchy.” That would be catchy, and it would also introduce +itself. + +I wish you would also tell me what kind of diet you confine yourself to +while writing a play, and how you go to work to procure it. Do you live on +a mixed diet, or on your relatives? Would you soak your head while writing +a play, or would you soak your overcoat? I desire to know all these +things, because, Mr. Marble, to tell you the truth, I am as ignorant about +this matter as the babe unborn. In fact, posterity would have to get up +early in the morning to know less about play-writing than I have succeeded +in knowing. + +If we are to make a kind of comedy, my idea would be to introduce +something facetious in the middle of the comedy. No one will expect it, +you see, and it will tickle the audience almost to death. + +A friend of mine suggests that it would be a great hit to introduce, or +rather to reproduce, the Hell Gate explosion. Many were not able to be +there at the time, and would willingly go a long distance to witness the +reproduction. + +I wish that you would reply to this letter at an early date, telling me +what you think of the schemes suggested. Feel perfectly free to express +yourself fully. I am not too proud to receive your suggestions. + + + + +The Silver Dollar. + +It would seem at this time, while so little is being said on the currency +question, and especially by the men who really control the currency, that +a word from me would not be out of place. Too much talking has been done +by those only who have a theoretical knowledge of money and its eccentric +habits. People with a mere smattering of knowledge regarding national +currency have been loquacious, while those who have made the matter a +study, have been kept in the background. + +At this period in the history of our country, there seems to be a general +stringency, and many are in the stringency business who were never that +way before. Everything seems to be demonetized. The demonetization of +groceries is doing as much toward the general wiggly palsy of trade as +anything I know of. + +But I may say, in alluding briefly to the silver dollar, that there are +worse calamities than the silver dollar. Other things may occur in our +lives, which, in the way of sadness and three-cornered gloom, make the +large, robust dollar look like an old-fashioned half-dime. + +I met a man the other day, who, two years ago, was running a small paper +at Larrabie's Slough. He was then in his meridian as a journalist, and his +paper was frequently quoted by such widely-read publications as the +_Knight of Labor at Work_, a humorous semi-monthly journal. He boldly +assailed the silver dollar, and with his trenchant pen he wrote such +burning words of denunciation that the printer had to set them on ice +before he could use the copy. + +Last week I met him on a Milwaukee & St. Paul train. He was very thin in +flesh, and the fire of defiance was no longer in his eye. I asked him how +he came on with the paper at Larrabie's Slough. He said it was no more. + +“It started out,” said he, “in a fearless way, but it was not sustained.” + +He then paused in a low tone of voice, gulped, and proceeded: + +“Folks told me when I began that I ought to attack almost everything. Make +the paper non-partisan, but aggressive, that was their idea. Sail into +everything, and the paper would soon be a power in the land. So I +aggressed. + +“Friends came in very kindly and told me what to attack. They would +neglect their own business in order to tell me of corruption in somebody +else. I went on that way for some time in a defiant mood, attacking +anything that happened to suggest itself. + +“Finally I thought I would attack the silver dollar. I did so. I thought +that friends would come to me and praise me for my manly words, and that I +could afford to lose the friendship of the dollar provided I could win +friends. + +“In six months I took an unexpired annual pass over our Larrabie Slough +Narrow-Gauge, or Orphan Road, and with nothing else but the clothes I +wore, I told the plaintiff how to jerk the old Washington press and went +away. The dear old Washington press that had more than once squatted my +burning words into the pure white page. The dear old towel on which I had +wiped my soiled hands for years, until it had almost become a part of +myself, the dark blue Gordon press with its large fly wheel and +intermittent chattel mortgage, a press, to which I had contributed the +first joint of my front finger; the editor's chair; the samples of large +business cards printed in green with an inflamed red border, which showed +that we could do colored work at Larrabie's Slough just as well as they +could in the large cities; the files of our paper; the large wilted potato +that Mr. Alonzo G. Pinkham of Erin Corners kindly laid on our table-all, +all had to go. + +“I fled out into the great, hollow, mocking world of people who had +requested me to aggress. They were people who had called my attention to +various things which I ought to attack. I had attacked those things. I had +also attacked the Larrabie Slough Narrow-Gauge Railroad, but the manager +did not see the attack, and so my pass was good. + +“What could I do? + +“I had attacked everything, and more especially the silver dollar, and now +I was homeless. For fourteen weeks I rode up the narrow-gauge road one day +and back the next, subsisting solely on the sample of nice pecan meat that +the newsboy puts in each passenger's lap. + +“You look incredulous, I see, but it is true. + +“I feel differently toward the currency now, and I wish I could undo what +I have done. Were I called up again to jerk the Archimedean lever, I would +not be so aggressive, especially as regards the currency. Whether it is +inflated or not, silver dollars, paper certificates of deposit or silver +bullion, it does not matter to me. + +“I yearn for two or three adult doughnuts and one of those thick, dappled +slabs of gingerbread, or slat of pie with gooseberries in it. I presume +that I could write a scathing editorial on the abuses of our currency yet, +but I am not so much in the scathe business as I used to be. + +“I wish you would state, if you will, through some great metropolitan +journal, that my views in relation to the silver coinage and the currency +question have undergone a radical change, and that any plan whatever, by +which to make the American dollar less skittish, will meet with my hearty +approval. + +“If I have done anything at all through my paper to injure or repress the +flow of our currency, and I fear I have, I now take this occasion to +cheerfully regret it.” + +He then wrung my hand and passed from my sight. + + + + +Polygamy as a Religious Duty. + +During the past few years in the history of our republic, we have had +leprosy, yellow fever and the dude, and it seemed as though each one would +wreck the whole national fabric at one time. National and international +troubles of one kind and another have gradually risen, been met and +mastered, but the great national abscess known as the Church of Jesus +Christ of Latter Day Saints still obstinately refuses to come to a head. + +I may be a radical monogamist and a rash enthusiast upon this matter, but +I still adhere to my original motto, one country, one flag and one wife at +a time. Matrimony is a good thing, but it can be overdone. We can excuse +the man who becomes a collection of rare coins, stamps, or autographs, but +he who wears out his young life making a collection of wives, should be +looked upon with suspicion. + +After all, however, this matter has always been, and still is, treated +with too much levity. It seems funny to us, at a distance of 1,600 miles, +that a thick-necked patriarch in the valley of the Jordan should be sealed +to thirteen or fourteen low-browed, half human females, and that the whole +mass of humanity should live and multiply under one roof. + +Those who see the wealthy polygamists of Salt Lake City, do not know much +of the horrors of trying to make polygamy and poverty harmonize in the +rural districts. In the former case, each wife has a separate residence or +suite of rooms, perhaps; but in the latter is the aggregation of vice and +depravity, doubly horrible because, instead of the secluded character +which wickedness generally assumes, here it is the common heritage of the +young and at once fails to shock or horrify. + +Under the All-seeing eye, and the Bee Hive, and the motto, “Holiness to +the Lord,” with a bogus Bible and a red-nosed prophet, who couldn't earn +$13. per month pounding sand, this so called church hanging on to the +horns of the altar, as it were, defies the statutes, and while in open +rebellion against the laws of God and man, refers to the constitution of +the United States as protecting it in its “religious belief.” + +In a poem, the patient Mormon in the picturesque valley of the Great Salt +Lake, where he has “made the desert blossom as the rose,” looks well. With +the wonderful music of the great organ at the tabernacle sounding in your +ears, and the lofty temple near by towering to the sky, you say to +yourself, there is, after all, something solemn and impressive in all +this; but when a greasy apostle in an alapaca duster, takes his place +behind the elevated desk, and with bad grammar and slangy sentences, asks +God in a businesslike way to bless this buzzing mass of unclean, +low-browed, barbarous scum of all foreign countries, and the white trash +and criminals of our own, you find no reverence, and no religious awe. + +The same mercenary, heartless lunacy that runs through the sickly +plagiarism of the Book of Mormon, pervades all this, and instead of the +odor of sanctity you notice the flavor of bilge water, and the emigrant's +own hailing sign, the all-pervading fragrance of the steerage. + +Education is the foe of polygamy, and many of the young who have had the +means by which to complete their education in the East, are apostate, at +least so far as polygamy is concerned. Still, to the great mass of the +poor and illiterate of Mormondom this is no benefit. The rich of the +Mormon Church are rich because their influence with this great fraud has +made them so; and it would, as a matter of business, injure their +prospects to come out and bolt the nomination. + +[Illustration: THE FAMILY WASH.] + +Utah, even with the Edmunds bill, is hopelessly Mormon; all adjoining +States and Territories are already invaded by them, and the delegate in +Congress from Wyoming is elected by the Mormon vote. + +I believe that I am moderately liberal and free upon all religious +matters, but when a man's confession of faith involves from three to +twenty-seven old corsets in the back yard every spring, and a clothes line +every Monday morning that looks like a bridal trousseau emporium struck by +a cyclone, I must admit that I am a little bit inclined to be sectarian in +my views. + +It's bad enough to be slapped across the features by one pair of long wet +hose on your way to the barn, but to have a whole bankrupt stock of cold, +wet garments every week fold their damp arms around your neck, as you +dodge under the clothes line to drive the cow out of the yard, is wrong. + +It is not good for man to be alone, of course, but why should he yearn to +fold a young ladies' seminary to his bosom? Why should this morbid +sentiment prompt him to marry a Female Suffrage Mass Meeting? I do not +wish to be considered an extremist in religious matters, but the doctrine +that requires me to be sealed to a whole emigrant train, seems unnatural +and inconsistent. + + + + +The Newspaper. + +An Address Delivered Before the Wisconsin State Press Association, at +White-Water, Wis., August 11, 1886. + +Mr. President and Gentlemen of the Press of Wisconsin: + +I am sure that when you so kindly invited me to address you to-day, you +did not anticipate a lavish display of genius and gestures. I accepted the +invitation because it afforded me an opportunity to meet you and to get +acquainted with you, and tell you personally that for years I have been a +constant reader of your valuable paper and I like it. You are running it +just as I like to see a newspaper run. + +I need not elaborate upon the wonderful growth of the press in our +country, or refer to the great power which journalism wields in the +development of the new world. I need not ladle out statistics to show you +how the newspaper has encroached upon the field of oratory and how the +pale and silent man, while others sleep, compiles the universal history of +a day and tells his mighty audience what he thinks about it before he goes +to bed. + +Of course, this is but the opinion of one man, but who has a better +opportunity to judge than he who sits with his finger on the electric +pulse of the world, judging the actions of humanity at so much per judge, +invariably in advance? + +I need not tell you all this, for you certainly know it if you read your +paper, and I hope you do. A man ought to read his own paper, even if he +cannot endorse all its sentiments. + +So necessary has the profession of journalism become to the progress and +education of our country, that the matter of establishing schools where +young men may be fitted for an active newspaper life, has attracted much +attention and discussion. It has been demonstrated that our colleges do +not fit a young man to walk at once into the active management of a paper. +He should at least know the difference between a vile contemporary and a +Gothic scoop. + +It is difficult to map out a proper course for the student in a school of +journalism, there are so many things connected with the profession which +the editor and his staff should know and know hard. The newspaper of +to-day is a library. It is an encyclopaedia, a poem, a biography, a +history, a prophecy, a directory, a time-table, a romance, a cook book, a +guide, a horoscope, an art critic, a political resume, a _multum in +parvo_. It is a sermon, a song, a circus, an obituary, a picnic, a +shipwreck, a symphony in solid brevier, a medley of life and death, a +grand aggregation of man's glory and his shame. It is, in short, a +bird's-eye-view of all the magnanimity and meanness, the joys and griefs, +the births and deaths, the pride and poverty of the world, and all for two +cents--sometimes. + +I could tell you some more things that the newspaper of to-day is, if you +had time to stay here and your business would not suffer in your absence. +Among others it is a long felt want, a nine-column paper in a five-column +town, a lying sheet, a feeble effort, a financial problem, a tottering +wreck, a political tool and a sheriff's sale. + +If I were to suggest a curriculum for the young man who wished to take a +regular course in a school of journalism, preferring that to the actual +experience, I would say to him, devote the first two years to meditation +and prayer. This will prepare the young editor for the surprise and +consequent temptation to profanity which in a few years he may experience +when he finds that the name of the Deity in his double-leaded editorial is +spelled with a little “g,” and the peroration of the article is locked up +between a death notice and the advertisement of a patent moustache coaxer, +which is to follow pure reading matter every day in the week and occupy +the top of column on Sunday tf. + +The ensuing five years should be devoted to the peculiar orthography of +the English language. + +Then put in three years with the dumb bells, sand bags, slung shots and +tomahawk. In my own journalistic experience I have found more cause for +regret over my neglect of this branch than anything else. I usually keep +on my desk during a heated campaign, a large paper weight, weighing three +or four pounds, and in several instances I have found that I could feed +that to a constant reader of my valuable paper instead of a retraction. + +Fewer people lick the editor though, now, than did so in years gone by. +Many people--in the last two years--have gone across the street to lick +the editor and never returned. They intended to come right back in a few +moments, but they are now in a land where a change of heart and a palm +leaf fan is all they need. + +Fewer people are robbing the editor now-a-days, too, I notice with much +pleasure. Only a short time ago I noticed that a burglar succeeded in +breaking into the residence of a Dakota journalist, and after a long, hard +struggle the editor succeeded in robbing him. + +After the primary course, mapped out already, an intermediate course of +ten years should be given to learning the typographical art, so that when +visitors come in and ask the editor all about the office, he can tell them +of the mysteries of making a paper, and how delinquent subscribers have +frequently been killed by a well-directed blow with a printer's towel. + +Five years should be devoted to a study of the art of proof-reading. In +that length of time the young journalist can perfect himself to such a +degree that it will take another five years for the printer to understand +his corrections and marginal notes. + +Fifteen years should then be devoted to the study of American politics, +especially civil service reform, looking at it from a non-partisan +standpoint. If possible, the last five years should be spent abroad. +London is the place to go if you wish to get a clear, concise view of +American politics, and Chicago or Milwaukee would be a good place for the +young English journalist to go and study the political outlook of England. + +The student should then take a medical and surgical course, so that he +may be able to attend to contusions, fractures and so forth, which may +occur to himself or to the party who may come to his office for a +retraction and by mistake get his spinal column double-leaded. + +Ten years should then be given to the study of law. No thorough, +metropolitan editor wants to enter upon the duties of his profession +without knowing the difference between a writ of _mandamus_ and other +styles of profanity. He should thoroughly understand the entire system of +American jurisprudence, so that in case a _certiorari_ should break out in +his neighborhood he would know just what to do for it. + +The student will, by this time, begin to see what is required of him and +enter with great zeal upon the further study of his profession. + +He will now enter upon a theological course of ten years and fit himself +thoroughly to speak intelligently of the various creeds and religions of +the world. Ignorance or the part of an editor is almost a crime, and when +he closes a powerful editorial with the familiar quotation, “It is the +early bird that catches the worm,” and attributes it to St. Paul instead +of Deuteronomy, it makes me blush for the profession. + +The last ten years may be profitably devoted to the acquisition of a +practical knowledge of cutting cordwood, baking beans, making shirts, +lecturing, turning double handsprings, being shot out of a catapult at a +circus, learning how to make a good adhesive paste that will not sour in +hot weather, grinding scissors, punctuating, capitalization, condemnation, +syntax, plain sewing, music and dancing, sculpting, etiquette, prosody, how +to win the affections of the opposite sex and evade a malignant case of +breach of promise, the ten commandments, every man his own tooter on the +flute, croquet, rules of the prize ring, rhetoric, parlor magic, +calisthenics, penmanship, how to run a jack from the bottom of the pack +without getting shot, civil engineering, decorative art, kalsomining, +bicycling, base ball, hydraulics, botany, poker, international law, +high-low-jack, drawing and painting, faro, vocal music, driving, breaking +team, fifteen ball pool, how to remove grease spots from last year's +pantaloons, horsemanship, coupling freight cars, riding on a rail, riding +on a pass, feeding threshing machines, how to wean a calf from the parent +stem, teaching school, bull-whacking, plastering, waltzing, vaccination, +autopsy, how to win the affections of your wife's mother, every man his +own washerwoman, or how to wash underclothes so they will not shrink, +etc., etc. + +But time forbids anything like a thorough list of what a young man should +study in order to fully understand all that he may be called upon to +express an opinion about in his actual experience as a journalist. There +are a thousand little matters which every editor should know; such, for +instance, as the construction of roller composition. Many newspaper men +can write a good editorial on Asiatic cholera, but their roller +composition is not fit to eat. + +With the course of study that I have mapped out, the young student would +emerge from the college of journalism at the age of 95 or 96, ready to +take off his coat and write an article on almost any subject. He would be +a little giddy at first, and the office boy would have to see that he went +to bed at a proper time each night, but aside from that, he would be a +good man to feed a waste paper basket. + +Actual experience is the best teacher in this peculiarly trying +profession. I hope some day to attend a press convention where the order +of exercise will consist of five-minute experiences from each one present +It would be worth listening to. + +My own experience was a little peculiar. It was my intention at first to +practice law, when I went to the Rocky Mountains, although I had been +warned by the authorities not to do so. Still, I did practice in a +surreptitious kind of a way, and might have been practicing yet if my +client hadn't died. When you have become attached to a client and respect +and like him, and then when, without warning, like a bolt of electricity +from a clear sky, he suddenly dies and takes the bread right out of your +mouth, it is rough. + +Then I tried the practice of criminal law, but my client got into the +penitentiary, where he was no use to me financially or politically. +Finally, when the judge was in a hurry, he would appoint me to defend the +pauper criminals. They all went to the penitentiary, until people got to +criticising the judge, and finally they told him that it was a shame to +appoint me to defend an innocent man. + +My first experience in journalism was in a Western town, in which I was a +total stranger. I went there with thirty-five cents, but I had it +concealed in the lining of my clothes so that no one would have suspected +it if they had met me. I had no friends, and I noticed that when I got off +the train the band was not there to meet me. I entered the town just as +any other American citizen would. I had not fully decided whether to +become a stage robber or a lecturer on phrenology. At that time I got a +chance to work on a morning paper. It used to go to press before dark, so +I always had my evenings to myself and I liked that part of it first-rate. +I worked on that paper a year and might have continued if the proprietors +had not changed it to an evening paper. + +Then a company incorporated itself and started a paper, of which I took +charge. The paper was published in the loft of a livery stable. That is +the reason they called it a stock company. You could come up the stairs +into the office or you could twist the tail of the iron-gray mule and take +the elevator. + +It wasn't much of a paper, but it cost $16,000 a year to run it, and it +came out six days in the week, no matter what the weather was. We took the +Associated Press news by telegraph part of the time and part of the time +we relied on the Cheyenne morning papers, which we got of the conductor on +the early morning freight. We got a great many special telegrams from +Washington in that way, and when the freight train got in late, I had to +guess at what congress was doing and fix up a column of telegraph the best +I could. There was a rival evening paper there, and sometimes it would +send a smart boy down to the train and get hold of our special telegrams, +and sometimes the conductor would go away on a picnic and take our +Cheyenne paper with him. + +All these things are annoying to a man who is trying to supply a long felt +want. There was one conductor, in particular, who used to go away into the +foot-hills shooting sage hens and take our cablegrams with him. This threw +too much strain on me. I could guess at what congress was doing and make +up a pretty readable report, but foreign powers and reichstags and crowned +heads and dynasties always mixed me up. You can look over what congress +did last year and give a pretty good guess at what it will do this year, +but you can't rely on a dynasty or an effete monarchy in a bad state of +preservation. It may go into executive session or it may go into +bankruptcy. + +Still, at one time we used to have considerable local news to fill up +with. The north and middle parks for a while used to help us out when the +mining camps were new. Those were the days when it was considered +perfectly proper to kill off the board of supervisors if their action was +distasteful. At that time a new camp generally located a cemetery and +wrote an obituary; then the boys would start out to find a man whose name +would rhyme with the rest of the verse. Those were the days when the +cemeteries of Colorado were still in their infancy and the song of the +six-shooter was heard in the land. + +Sometimes the Indians would send us in an item. It was generally in the +obituary line. With the Sioux on the north and the peaceful Utes on the +south, we were pretty sure of some kind of news during the summer. The +parks used to be occupied by white men winters and Indians summers. Summer +was really the pleasantest time to go into the parks, but the Indians had +been in the habit of going there at that season, and they were so clannish +that the white men couldn't have much fun with them, so they decided they +would not go there in the summer. Several of our best subscribers were +killed by the peaceful Utes. + +There were two daily and three weekly papers published in Laramie City av +that time. There were between two and three thousand people and our local +circulation ran from 150 to 250, counting dead-heads. In our prospectus we +stated that we would spare no expense whatever in ransacking the universe +for fresh news, but there were times when it was all we could do to get +our paper out on time. Out of the express office, I mean. + +One of the rival editors used to write his editorials for the paper in the +evening, jerk the Washington hand-press to work them off, go home and +wrestle with juvenile colic in his family until daylight and then deliver +his papers on the street. It is not surprising that the great mental +strain incident to this life made an old man of him, and gave a tinge of +extreme sadness to the funny column of his paper. + +In an unguarded moment, this man wrote an editorial once that got all his +subscribers mad at him, and the same afternoon he came around and wanted +to sell his paper to us for $10,000. I told him that the whole outfit +wasn't worth ten thousand cents. + +“I know that,” said he, “but it is not the material that I am talking +about. It is the good will of the paper.” + +We had a rising young horsethief in Wyoming in those days, who got into +jail by some freak of justice, and it was so odd for a horsethief to get +into jail that I alluded to it editorially. This horsethief had +distinguished himself from the common, vulgar horsethieves of his time, by +wearing a large mouth--a kind of full-dress, eight-day mouth. He rarely +smiled, but when he did, he had to hold the top of his head on with both +hands. I remember that I spoke of this in the paper, forgetting that he +might criticise me when he got out of jail. When he did get out again, he +stated that he would shoot me on sight, but friends advised me not to have +his blood on my hands, and I took their advice, so I haven't got a +particle of his blood on either of my hands. + +For two or three months I didn't know but he would drop into the office +any minute and criticise me, but one day a friend told me that he had been +hung in Montana. Then I began to mingle in society again, and didn't have +to get in my coal with a double barrel shot gun any more. + +After that I was always conservative in relation to horsethieves until we +got the report of the vigilance committee. + + + + +Wrestling with the Mazy. + +Very soon now I shall be strong enough on my cyclone leg to resume my +lessons in waltzing. It is needless to say that I look forward with great +pleasure to that moment. Nature intended that I should glide in the mazy. +Tall, lithe, bald-headed, genial, limber in the extreme, suave, soulful, +frolicsome at times, yet dignified and reserved toward strangers, light on +the foot--on my own foot, I mean--gentle as a woman at times, yet +irresistible as a tornado when insulted by a smaller, I am peculiarly +fitted to shine in society. Those who have observed my polished brow, when +under a strong electric light, say they never saw a man shine so in +society as I do. + +My wife taught me how to waltz. She would teach me on Saturdays and repair +her skirts during the following week. I told her once that I thought I was +too brainy to dance. She said she hadn't noticed that, but she thought I +seemed to run too much to legs. My wife is not timid about telling me +anything that she thinks will be for my good. When I make a mistake she is +perfectly frank with me, and comes right to me and tells me about it, so +that I won't do so again. + +I had just learned how to reel around a ballroom to a little waltz music, +when I was blown across the State of Mississippi in September last by a +high wind, and broke one of my legs which I use in waltzing. When this +accident occurred I had just got where I felt at liberty to choose a +glorious being with starry eyes and fluffy hair, and magnificently modeled +form, to steer me around the rink to the dreamy music of Strauss. One +young lady, with whom I had waltzed a good deal, when she heard that my +leg was broken, began to attend every dancing party she could hear of, +although she had declined a great many previous to that. I asked her how +she could be so giddy and so gay when I was suffering. She said she was +doing it to drown her sorrow, but her little brother told me on the quiet +that she was dancing while I was sick because she felt perfectly safe. A +friend of mine says I have a pronounced and distinctly original manner of +waltzing, and that he never saw anybody, with one exception, who waltzed +as I did, and that was Jumbo. He claimed that either one of us would be a +good dancer if he could have the whole ring to himself. He said that he +would like to see Jumbo and me waltz together if he were not afraid that I +would step on Jumbo and hurt him. You can see what a feeling of jealous +hatred it arouses in some small minds when a man gets so that he can +mingle in good society and enjoy himself. + +[Illustration: WALTZING WITH JUMBO.] + +I could waltz more easily if the rules did not require such a constant +change of position. I am sedentary in my nature, slow to move about, so +that it takes a lady of great strength of purpose to pull me around on +time. + + + + +Anecdotes of the Stage. + +Years ago, before Laramie City got a handsome opera house, everything in +the theatrical and musical line of a high order was put on the stage of +Blackburn's Hall. Other light dramas on the stage, and thrilling murders +in the audience, used to occur at Alexander's Theater, on Front street. +Here you could get a glass of Laramie beer, made of glucose, alkali water, +plug tobacco, and Paris green, by paying two bits at the bar, and, as a +prize, you drew a ticket to the olio, specialties, and low gags of the +stage. The idea of inebriating a man at the box office, so that he will +endure such a sham, is certainly worthy of serious consideration. I have +seen shows at Alexander's, and also at McDaniel's, in Cheyenne, however, +where the bar should have provided an ounce of chloroform with each ticket +in order to allay the suffering. + +Here you could sit down in the orchestra and take the chances of getting +hit when the audience began to shoot at the pianist, or you could go up +into the boxes and have a quiet little conversation with the timid +beer-jerkers. The beer-jerker was never too proud to speak to the most +humble, and if she could sell a grub-staker for $5 a bottle of real Piper +Heidsick, made in Cheyenne and warranted to remove the gastric coat, pants +and vest from a man's stomach in two minutes, she felt pleased and proud. + +A room-mate of mine, whose name I will not give, simply because he was and +still is the best fellow in the United States, came home from the +“theater” one night with his hair parted in the middle. He didn't wear it +that way generally, so it occasioned talk in social circles. He still has +a natural parting of the hair about five inches long, that he acquired +that night. He said it was accidental so far as he was concerned, but +unless the management could keep people from shooting the holders of +reserved seats between the acts or any other vital spot, he would withdraw +his patronage. And he was right about it. I think that any court in the +land would protect a man who had purchased a seat in good faith, and with +his hat on and both feet on the back of the seat in front of him, sits +quietly in said seat, smoking a Colorado Maduro cigar and watching the +play. + +Several such accidents occurred at the said theater. Among them was a +little tableau in which Joe Walker and Centennial Bob took the leading +parts. Bob went to the penitentiary, and Joe went to his reward with one +of his lungs in his coat pocket. There was a little difference between +them as to the regularity of a “draw” and “show down,” so Bob went home +from the theater and loaded a double-barrel shot-gun with a lot of +scrap-iron, and, after he had introduced the collection into Joe's front +breadth, the latter's system was so lacerated that it wouldn't retain +ground feed. + +There were other little incidents like that which occurred in and around +the old theater, some growing out of the lost love of a beer-jerker, some +from an injudicious investment in a bob-tail flush that never got ripe +enough to pick, and some from the rarified mountain air, united with an +epidemic known as _mania rotguti_. + +A funny incident of the stage occurred not long ago to a friend of mine, +who is traveling with a play in which a stage cow appears. He is using +what is called a profile cow now, which works by machinery. Last winter +this cow ran down while in the middle of the stage, and forgot her lines. +The prompter gave the string a jerk in order to assist her. This broke the +cow in two, and the fore-quarters walked off to the left into one +dressing-room, while the behind-quarters and porter-house steak retired to +the outer dressing-room. The audience called for an _encore_; but the cow +felt as though she had made a kind of a bull of the part, and would not +appear. Those who may be tempted to harshly criticise this last remark, +are gently reminded that the intense heat of the past month is liable to +effect anyone's mind. Remember, gentle reader, that your own brain may +some day soften also, and then you will remember how harsh you were toward +me. + +Prior to the profile cow, the company ran a wicker-work cow, that was +hollow and admitted of two hired-men, who operated the beast at a moderate +salary. These men drilled a long time on what they called a heifer +dance--a beautiful spectacular, and highly moral and instructive quadruped +clog, sirloin shuffle, and cow gallop, to the music of a piano-forte. The +rehearsals had been crowned with success, and when the cow came on the +stage she got a bouquet, and made a bran mash on one of the ushers. + +She danced up and down the stage, perfectly self-possessed, and with that +perfect grace and abandon which is so noticeable in the self-made cow. +Finally she got through, the piano sounded a wild Wagnerian bang, and the +cow danseuse ambled off. She was improperly steered, however, and ran her +head against a wing, where she stopped in full view of the audience. The +talent inside of the cow thought they had reached the dressing-room and +ran against the wall, so they felt perfectly free to converse with each +other. The cow stood with her nose jammed up against the wing, wrapped in +thought, Finally, from her thorax the audience heard a voice say: + +“Jim, you blamed galoot, that ain't the step we took at rehearsal no +more'n nuthin'. If you're going to improvise a new cow duet, I wish you +wouldn't take the fore-quarters by surprise next time.” + +It is not now known what the reply was, for just then the prompter came on +the stage, rudely twisted the tail of the cow, rousing her from her +lethargy, and harshly kicking her in the pit of the stomach, he drove her +off the stage, The audience loudly called for a repetition, but the cow +refused to come in. + + + + +George the Third. + +George III was born in England June 4, 1738, and ran for king in 1760. He +was a son of Frederick, Prince of Wales, and held the office of king for +sixty years. He was a natural born king and succeeded his grandfather, +George II. Look as you will a-down the long page of English history, and +you will not fail to notice the scarcity of self-made kings. How few of +them were poor boys and had to skin along for years with no money, no +influential friends and no fun. + +Ah, little does the English king know of hard times and carrying two or +three barrels of water to a tired elephant in order that he may get into +the afternoon performance without money. When he gets tired of being +prince, all he has to do is just to be king all day at good wages, and +then at night take off his high-priced crown, hang it up on the hat-rack, +put on a soft hat and take in the town. + +George III quit being prince at the age of 22 years, and began to hold +down the English throne. He would reign along for a few years, taking it +kind of quiet, and then all at once he would declare war and pick out some +people to go abroad and leave their skeletons on some foreign shore. That +was George's favorite amusement. He got up the Spanish war in two years +after he clome the throne; then he had an American revolution, a French +revolution, an Irish rebellion and a Napoleonic war. He dearly loved +carnage, if it could be prepared on a foreign strand. George always wanted +imported carnage, even if it came higher. It was in 1765, and early in +George's reign, that the American stamp act passed the Legislature and the +Goddess of Liberty began to kick over the dashboard. + +George was different from most English kings, morally. When he spit on his +hand and grasped the sceptre, he took his scruples with him right onto the +throne. He was not talked about half so much as other kings before or +since his time. Nine o'clock most always found George in bed, with his +sceptre under the window-sash, so that he could get plenty of fresh air. +As it got along toward 9 o'clock, he would call the hired girl, tell her +to spread a linen lap-robe on the throne till morning, issue a royal ukase +directing her to turn out the cat, and instructing the cook to set the +pancake batter behind the royal stove in the council chamber, then he +would wind the clock and retire. Early in the morning George would be up +and dressed, have all his chores done and the throne dusted off ready for +another hard day's reign. + +[Illustration: WRAPPED IN SLUMBER.] + +George III is the party referred to in the Declaration of Independence the +present king of Great Britain, and of whom many bitter personal remarks +were made by American patriots. On this side of the water George was not +highly esteemed. If he had come over here to spend the summer with friends +in Boston, during the days of the stamp act excitement, he could have gone +home packed in ice, no doubt, and with a Swiss sunset under each eye. + +George's mind was always a little on the bias, and in 1810 he went crazy +for the fifth time. Always before that he had gone right ahead with his +reign, whether he was crazy or not, but with the fifth attack of insanity, +coupled with suggestion of the brain and blind staggers, it was decided to +tie him up in the barn and let someone else reign awhile. The historian +says that blindness succeeded this attack, and in 1811 the Prince of Wales +became regent. + +George III died at Windsor in 1820, with the consent of a joint committee +of both houses of congress, at the age of 82 years. He made the longest +run as king, without stopping for feed or water, of any monarch in English +history. Sixty years is a long time to be a monarch and look under the bed +every night for a Nihilist loaded with a cut-glass bomb and Paris green. +Sixty years is a long while to jerk a sceptre over a nation and keep on +the right side, politically, all the time. + +George was of an inventive turn of mind, and used to be monkeying with +some kind of a patent, evenings, after he had peeled his royal robes. Most +of his patents related to land, however, and some of the most successful +soil in Massachusetts was patented by George. + +He was always trying some scheme to make a pile of money easy, so that he +wouldn't have to work; but he died poor and crazy at last, in England. He +was not very smart, but he attended to business all the time, and did not +get up much of a reputation as a moral leper. He said that as king of +Great Britain and general superintendent of Cork he did not aim to make +much noise, but he desired to attract universal attention by being so +moral that he would be regarded as eccentric by other crowned heads. + + + + +The Cell Nest. + +To the Members of the Academy of Science, at Wrin Prairie, Wisconsin: + +_Gentlemen:_--I beg leave to submit herewith my microscopic report on +the several sealed specimens of proud flesh and other mementoes taken +from the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth. As Mr. Flannery is the mayor of +Erin Prairie, and therefore has a world-wide reputation, I deemed it +sufficiently important to the world at large, and pleasing to Mr. +Flannery's family, to publish this report in the medical journals of the +country, and have it telegraphed to the leading newspapers at their +expense. Knowing that the world at large is hungry to learn how the +laudable pus of an eminent man appears under the microscope, and what a +pleasure it must be to his family to read the description after his +death, I have just opened a new box of difficult words and herewith +transmit a report which will be an ornament not only to the scrap-book +of Mr. Flannery's immediate family after his death, but a priceless boon +to the reading public at large. + +Removing the seals from the jars as soon as I had returned from the +express office, I poured off the alcohol and recklessly threw it away. +A true scientist does not care for expense. + +The first specimen was in a good state of preservation on its arrival. I +never saw a more beautiful or robust proliferation epitherial cell nest in +my life. It must have been secured immediately after the old epitherial +had left the nest, and it was in good order on its arrival. The whole +lobule was looking first-rate. You might ride for a week and not run +across a prettier lobule or a more artistic aggregation of cell nests +outside a penitentiary. + +Only one cell nest had been allowed to dry up on the way, and this looked +a good deal fatigued. In one specimen I noticed a carneous degeneration, +but this is really no reflection on Mr. Flannery personally. While he has +been ill it is not surprising that he should allow his cell nests to +carneously degenerate. Such a thing might happen to almost any of us. + +One of the scrapings from the sore on the right posterior fauces, I found +on its arrival, had been seriously injured, and therefore not available. I +return it herewith. + +From an examination, which has been conducted with great care, I am led to +believe that the right posterior rafter of Mr. Flannery's mouth is +slightly indurated, and it is barely possible that the northeast duplex +and parotid gable end of the roof of his mouth may become involved. + +I wish you would ask Mr. Flannery's immediate relatives, if you can do so +without arousing alarm in the breast of the patient, if there has ever +been a marked predisposition on the part of his ancestors to tubercular +gumboil. I do not wish to be understood as giving this diagnosis as final +at all, but from what I have already stated, taken together with other +clinical and pathological data within my reach, and the fact that minute, +tabulated gumboil bactinae were found floating through some of the cell +nests, I have every reason to fear the worst. I would be glad to receive +from you for microscopic examination a fragment of Mr. Flannery's +malpighian layer, showing evidences of cell proliferation. I only suggest +this, of course, as practicable in case there should be a malpighian layer +which Mr. Flannery is not using. Do not ask him to take a malpighian layer +off her cell nest just to please me. + +From one microscopic examination I hardly feel justified in giving a +diagnosis, nor care to venture any suggestion as to treatment, but it +might be well to kalsomine the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth with +gum-arabic, white lime and glue in equal parts. + +There has already been some extravatations and a marked multiformity. I +also noticed an inflamed and angry color to the stroma with trimmings of +the same. This might only indicate that Mr. Flannery had kept his mouth +open too much during the summer, and sunburned the roof of his mouth, were +it not that I also discovered traces of gumboil microbes of the squamous +variety. This leads me to fear the worst for Mr. Flannery. However, if the +gentlemanly, courteous and urbane members of the Academy of Science, of +Erin Prairie, to whom I am already largely indebted for past favors, will +kindly forward to me, prepaid, another scraping from the mansard roof of +Mr. Flannery's mouth next week, I will open another keg of hard words and +trace this gumboil theory to a successful termination, if I have to use up +the whole ceiling of the patient's mouth. + +Yours, with great sincerity, profundity and verbosity, + +Bill Nye, +Microscopist, Lobulist and Microbist. + +Hudson, Wis., May 3. + + + + +Parental Advice. + +The past fifty years have done much for the newspaper and periodical +readers of the United States. That period has been fruitful of great +advancement and a great reduction in price, but these are not all. Fifty +years and less have classified information so that science and sense are +conveniently found, and humor and nonsense have their proper sphere. All +branches are pretty full of lively and thoroughly competent writers, who +take hold of their own special work even as the thorough, quick-eyed +mechanic takes hold of his line of labor and acquits himself in a +creditable manner. The various lines of journalism may appear to be +crowded, but they are not. There may be too much vagabond journalism, but +the road that is traveled by the legitimate laborer is not crowded. The +clean, Caucasian journalist, as he climbs the hill, is not crowded very +much. He can make out to elbow his way toward the front, if he tries very +hard. There may be too much James Crow science, and too much editorial +vandalism and gush, and too much of the journalism for revenue only. There +may be too much ringworm humor also, but there is still a demand for the +scientific work of the true student. There is still a good market for +honest editorial opinion, reliable news and fearless and funny paragraph +work and character sketches, as the song and dance men would say. + +All this, however, points in one direction. It all has one hoarse voice, +and in the tones of the culverin, whatever that is, it says that to the +young man who is starting out with the intention of filling the tomb of a +millionaire, “Learn to do something well.” + +Lots of people rather disliked the famous British hangman, and thought he +hadn't made a great record for himself, but he performed a duty that had +to be done by someone, and no one ever complained much about Marwood's +work. He warranted every job and told everyone that if they were +dissatisfied he would refund their money at the door. No man ever came +back to Marwood and said, “Sir, you broke my neck in an unworkmanlike +manner.” + +It is better to be a successful hangman than to be the banished, abused +and heart-broken, cast-off husband of a great actress. Learn to take hold +of some business and jerk it bald-headed. Learn to dress yourself first. +This will give you self-assurance, so that you can go away from home and +not be dependent on your mother. Teach yourself to be accurate and careful +in all things. It is better to turn the handle of a sausage grinder and +make a style of sausage that is free from hydrophobia, than to be the +extremely hence cashier of a stranded bank, fighting horseflies in the +solemn hush of a Canadian forest. + +People have wrong ideas of the respective merits of different avocations. +It is better to be the successful driver of a dray than to be the +unsuccessful inventor of a still-born motor. I would rather discover how +to successfully wean a calf from the parent stem without being boosted +over a nine rail fence, than to discover a new star that had never been +used, and the next evening find that it had made an assignment. + +Boys, oh, boys! How I wish I could take each of you by the ear and lead +you away by yourselves, and show you how many ruins strew the road to +success, and how life is like a mining boom. We only hear of those who +strike it rich. The hopeful, industrious prospector who failed to find the +contact and finally filled a nameless grave, is soon forgotten when he is +gone, but a million tongues tell to forty million listening ears of the +man who struck it rich and went to Europe. + +Therefore make haste to advance slowly and surely. I am aware that your +ears ache with the abundance wherewith ye are advised, but if ye seek not +to brace up while yet it is called to-day, and file away information for +future reference and cease to look upon the fifteen-ball pool game when it +moveth itself aright, at such time as ye think not ye shall be in +pecuniary circumstances and there shall be none to indorse for you--nay, +not one. + + + + +Early Day Justice.[2] + +[Footnote 2: _From the Chicago Rambler_.] + +Those were troublesome times, indeed. All wool justice in the courts was +impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation Army as it called +itself, didn't make much fuss about it, but we all knew that the best +citizens belonged to it and were in good standing. + +It was in those days when young Stewart was short-handed for a sheep +herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant, called by the +other boys “Esau.” Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week before he made +trouble with the proprietor and got the red-hot blessing from Stewart he +deserved. + +Then Esau got madder and sulked away down the valley among the little sage +brush hummocks and white alkali waste land to nurse his wrath. When +Stewart drove into the corral at night, from town, Esau raised up from +behind an old sheep dip tank, and without a word except what may have +growled around in his black heart, he raised a leveled Spencer and shot +his young employer dead. + +That was the tragedy of the week only. Others had occurred before and +others would probably occur again. It was getting too prevalent for +comfort. So, as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into +town, the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to +set the old legal mill to running. Someone had to go down to “The Tivoli” + and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to “The +Alhambra” for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney was +“full” and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a straight flush, +and had succeeded. + +In the meantime the Salvation Army was fully half way to Clugston's ranch. +They had started out, as they said, “to see that Esau didn't get away.” + They were going out there to see that Esau was brought into town. + +[Illustration: THE SALVATION ARMY.] + +What happened after they got there I only know from hearsay, for I was not +a member of the Salvation Army at that time. But I got it from one of +those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the bottoms +that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep Mountain and the Little +Laramie River. They captured him, but he died soon after, as it was told +me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I remember +seeing Esau the next morning and I thought there were signs of ropium, as +there was a purple streak around the neck of deceased, together with other +external phenomena not peculiar to opium. + +But the great difficulty with the Salvation Army was that it didn't want +to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in Esau's +condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with a deceased +murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of my readers who +have tried it will agree with me that it is not calculated to promote +hilarity. So the Salvation Army stopped at Whatley's ranch to get warm, +hoping that someone would steal the remains and elope with them. They +stayed some time and managed to “give away” the fact that there was a +reward of $5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The Salvation Army even went +so far as to betray a great deal of hilarity over the easy way it had +nailed the reward, or would as soon as said remains were delivered up and +identified. + +Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation Army was having a kind of walkaway, +so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his own +wagon and drove away to town. Remember, this is the way it was told to me. + +Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and +disappointed yells of the Salvation Army. He put the buckskin on the backs +of his horses without mercy, driven on by the enraged shouts and yells of +his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and his pursuers +disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau? + +He drove around all over town, trying to find the official who signed for +the deceased. Mr. Whatley went from house to house like a vegetable man, +seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau. +Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another out +of a sound sleep and invite him to come out to the buggy and identify the +remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he didn't know how +others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who would pay $5,000 for +such a remains as Esau's could not have very good taste. + +Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation Army had +been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went home. On +his ranch he nailed up a large board on which had been painted in antique +characters with a paddle and tar the following stanzas: + + Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, Morgues, or young physicians who + may have deceased people on their hands, are requested to refrain from + conferring them on to the undersigned. + + People who contemplate shuffling off their own or other people's mortal + coils, will please not do so on these grounds. + + The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains is especially hereby warned to + keep off the grass! + + James Whatley. + + + + +The Indian Orator. + +I like to read of the Indian orator in the old school books. Most everyone +does. It is generally remarkable that the American Demosthenes, so far, +has dwelt in the tepee, and lived on the debris of the deer and the +buffalo. I mean to say that the school readers have impressed us with the +great magnetism of the crude warrior who dwelt in the wilderness and ate +his game, feathers and all, while he studied the art of swaying the +audience by his oratorical powers. + +I am inclined to think that Black Hawk and Logan must have been fortunate +in securing mighty able private secretaries, or that they stood in with +the stenographers of their day. At least, the Blue Juniata warriors of our +time, from Little Crow, Red Iron, Standing Buffalo, Hole-in-the-Day and +Sitting Bull, to Victoria, Colorow, Douglas, Persume, Captain Jack and +Shavano, seem to do better as lobbyists than they do as orators. They may +be keen, logical and shrewd, but they are not eloquent. In some minds, +Black Hawk will ever appear as the Patrick Henry of his people; but I +prefer to honor his unknown, unhonored and unsung amanuensis. Think what a +godsend such a man would have been to Senator Tabor. + +The Indian orator of to-day is not scholarly and grand. He is soiled, +ignorant and sedentary in his habits. An orator ought to take care of his +health. He cannot overload his stomach and make a bronze Daniel Webster of +himself. He cannot eat a raw buffalo for breakfast and at once attack the +question of tariff for revenue only. His brain is not clear enough. He +cannot digest the mammalia of North America and seek out the delicate +intricacies of the financial problem at the same time. All scientists and +physiologists will readily see why this is true. + +It is quite popular to say that the modern Indian has seen too much of +civilization. This may be true. Anyhow, civilization has seen too much of +him. I hope the day will never come when the pale face and the White +Father will have to stay on their reservation, whether the red man does or +not. + +Indian eloquence, toned down by the mellow haze of a hundred years, sounds +very well, but the clarion voice of the red orator has died away. The +stony figure, the eagle eye, the matchless presence, have all ceased to +palpitate. + +He does not say: “I am an aged hemlock. I am dead at the top. The forest +is filled with the ghosts of my people. I hear their moans on the night +winds and in the sighing pines.” He does not talk in the blank verse of a +century ago. He uses a good many blanks, but it is not blank verse. Even +the Indian's friend would admit that it was not blank verse. Perhaps it +might be called blankety verse. + +Once he pleaded for the land of his fathers. Now he howls for grub, guns +and fixed ammunition. + +I tried to interview a big Crow chief once. I had heard some Sioux, and +learned a few irrelevant and disconnected Ute phrases. I connected these +with some Spanish terms and hoped to get a reply, and keep up a kind of +running conversation that might mislead a friend who was with me, into the +belief that I was as familiar with the Indian tongue as with my own. I +began conversing with him in my polyglot manner. I did not get a reply. I +conversed with him some more in a desultory way, for I had heard that he +was a great orator in his tribe, and I wanted to get his views on national +affairs. Still he was silent. He would not even answer me. I got hostile +and used some badly damaged Spanish on him. Then I used some sprained and +dislocated German on him, but he didn't seem to wot whereof I spoke. + +Then my friend, with all the assurance of a fresh young manhood, began to +talk with the great warrior in the English language, and incidentally +asked him about a new Indian agent, who had the name of being a bogus +Christian with an eye to the main chance. + +My friend talked very loud, with the idea that the chieftain could +understand any language if spoken so that you could hear it in the next +Territory. At the mention of the Indian agent's name, the Crow statesman +brightened up and made a remark. He simply said: “Ugh! too much God and no +flour.” + + + + +You Heah Me, Sah! + +Col. Visscher, of Denver, who is delivering his lecture, “Sixty Minutes in +the War,” tells a good story on himself of an episode, or something of +that nature, that occurred to him in the days when he was the amanuensis +of George D. Prentice. + +Visscher, in those days, was a fair-haired young man, with pale blue eyes, +and destitute of that wealth of brow and superficial area of polished dome +which he now exhibits on the rostrum. He was learning the lesson of life +then, and every now and then he would bump up against an octagonal mass of +cold-pressed truth of the never-dying variety that seemed to kind of stun +and concuss him. + +One day Mr. Visscher wandered into a prominent hotel in Louisville, and, +observing with surprise and pleasure that “boiled lobster” was one of the +delicacies on the bill of fare, he ordered one. + +He never had seen lobster, and a rare treat seemed to be in store for him. +He breathed in what atmosphere there was in the dining-room, and waited +for his bird. At last it was brought in. Mr. Visscher took one hasty look +at the great scarlet mass of voluptuous limbs and oceanic nippers, and +sighed. The lobster was as large as a door mat, and had a very angry and +inflamed appearance. Visscher ordered in a powerful cocktail to give him +courage, and then he tried to carve off some of the breast. + +The lobster is honery even in death. He is eccentric and trifling. Those +who know him best are the first to evade him and shun him. Visscher had +failed to straddle the wish bone with his fork properly, and the talented +bird of the deep rolling sea slipped out of the platter, waved itself +across the horizon twice, and buried itself in the bosom of the eminent +and talented young man. The eminent and talented young man took it in his +napkin, put it carefully on the table, and went away. + +As he passed out, the head waiter said: + +“Mr. Visscher, was there anything the matter with your lobster?” + +Visscher is a full-blooded Kentuckian, and answered in the courteous +dialect of the blue-grass country. + +“Anything the matter with my lobster, sah? No, sah. The lobster is very +vigorous, sah. If you had asked me how I was, sah, I should have answered +you very differently, sah. I am not well at all, sah. If I were as well, +and as ruddy, and as active as that lobster, sah, I would live forever, +sah. You heah me, sah? + +“Why, of course, I am not familiar with the habits of the lobster, sah, +and do not know how to kearve the bosom of the bloomin' peri of the summer +sea, but that's no reason why the inflamed reptile should get up on his +hind feet and nestle up to me, sah, in that earnest and forthwith manner, +sah. + +“I love dumb beasts, sah, and they love me, sah; but when they are dead, +sah, and I undertake to kearve them, sah, I desiah, sah, that they should +remain as the undertakah left them, sah. You doubtless heah me, sah!” + + + + +Plato. + +Plato was a Greek philosopher who flourished about 426 B.C., and kept on +flourishing for eighty-one years after that, when he suddenly ceased do so. +He early took to poetry, but when he found that his poems were rejected by +the Greek papers, he ceased writing poetry and went into the philosophy +business. At that time Greece had no regular philosopher, and so Plato +soon got all he could do. + +Plato was a pupil of Socrates, who was himself no slouch of a +philosopher. Many and many a day did Socrates take his little class of +kindergarten philosophers up the shady banks of the Ilissus, and sit all +day discoursing to his pupils on deep and difficult doctrines, while his +unsandaled feet were bathed in the genial tide. Many happy hours were +thus spent. Socrates would take his dinner or tell some wonderful tale +to his class, whereby he would win their dinner himself. Then in the +deep Athenian shade, with his bare, Gothic feet in the clear, calm +waters of the Ilissus, he would eat the Grecian doughnut of his pupils, +and while he spoke in poetic terms of his belief, he would dig his heel +in the mud and heave a heart-broken sigh. + +Such was Socrates, the great teacher. He got a small salary, and went +barefoot till after Thanksgiving. He was a great tutor, and boarded +around, teaching in the open air while the mosquitos bit his bare feet. +No tutor ever tuted with a more unselfish purpose or a smaller salary. + +Plato maintained, among other things, that evil is connected with matter, +and aside from matter we do not find evil existing. That is true. At +least, such evil as we might find apart from matter would be outside the +jurisdiction of a police court. I think Plato was correct. Evil and +matter are inseparable. That's what's the matter. + +It is quite common for us to say that virtue is its own reward. Plato +held that, while it was better to be virtuous as a matter of economy and +ultimate peace than not to be virtuous at all, he believed in being +virtuous for a higher reason. Probably it was notoriety. He would rather +be right than be president. He believed in being good just for the +excitement of it, and the notice it would attract, and not because it +paid. Plato was a great virtuoso. + +Socrates would have been called a crank if he had lived in our day and +age, and if Plato were to go into London or New York and talk of +organizing a society for the encouragement of virtue among adult male +taxpayers he would have a lonesome time of it. Be virtuous and you will +be happy was a favorite motto with Plato. The legend is still quoted by +those who love to ransack the dead past. + +[Illustration: NEPTUNE TAKING A RIDE.] + +Pluto was quite another party, and some get him mixed up with Plato. +They were not related in any way, Pluto being a son of Saturn and Rhea, +who flourished at about the same time as Plato. Pluto was a brother of +Jupiter and Neptune, and when the estate of Saturn was wound up, Jupiter +wanted the earth, and he got it. Neptune wanted the codfish conservatory +and the mermaid's home, so he took the deep, deep sea, and even yet he +rides around in a gold spangled stone boat on the pale green billows of +the summer sea, jabbing a pickerel ever and anon with a three pronged +fork. He leads a gay life, going to picnics with the mermaids in their +coral caves, or attending their full evening dress parties, clad in a +trident and a fall beard. He loves the sea, the lone, blue sea, and +those who have seen him turning handsprings on a sponge lawn, or riding +in his water-tight chariot with his feet over the dash-board, beside a +slim young mermaid with Paris green hair, and dressed in a +tight-fitting, low-neck dorsal fin, say he is a lively old party. + +But Pluto was different. He stood around till the estate was all closed +up, and it looked as though he had got left. Just then the administrator +says: “Why, here's Pluto. He is going to come out of the little end of +the horn. He will have to hustle for himself,” Pluto resented this and +clinched with the administrator. They fought till each had a watch pocket +on the brow and an Irish sunset symphony in green under the eye, while +Jupiter and Neptune stood by and encouraged the fight. Jupiter rather +took sides with his brother, and Neptune stood in with the administrator. +In the midst of the confusion Jupiter speaks up and says: “Swat him under +the ear, Pluto.” Whereupon Neptune says to the administrator. “Give +him--hail.” The administrator paused and said that was a good suggestion. +He would do so. And so he forgave Pluto and gave him--sheol. + + + + +The Expensive Word. + +Much that is annoying in this life is occasioned by the use of a high +priced word where a cheaper one would do. In these days of failure, +shortage at both ends and financial stringency generally, I often wonder +that some people should go on, day after day, using just as extravagant +language as they did during the flush times. When I get hard up the first +thing I do is to economize in my expressions in every day conversation. If +there is a marked stringency in business, I lay aside first, my French, +then my Latin, and finally my German. Should the times become greatly +depressed and failures and assignments become frequent, I begin to lop off +the large words in my own language, beginning with “incomprehensibility,” + “unconstitutionally,” etc., etc. + +Julius Caesar's motto used to be, “Avoid an unusual word as you would a +rock at sea,” and Jule was right about it, too. Large and unusual words, +especially in the mouths of ignorant people, are worse than “Rough on +Rats” in a boarding-house pie. + +Years ago there used to be a pompous cuss in southern Wisconsin, who was a +self-made man. Extremely so. Those who used to hear him assert again and +again that he was a self-made man always felt renewed confidence in the +Creator. + +He rose one evening in a political meeting, and swelling out his bosom, as +his eagle eye rested on the chairman, he said: + +“Mr. Cheerman! I move you that the cheer do appoint a committee of three +to attend to the matter under discussion, and that sayed committee be +clothed by the cheer with ominiscient and omnipotent powers.” + +The motion was duly seconded and the cheerman said he guessed that it +wouldn't be necessary to put it to a vote. + +“I guess it will be all right, Mr. Pinkham. I guess there'll be no +declivity to that.” + +And so the committee was appointed and clothed with omniscient and +omnipotent powers, there being no declivity to it. + +We had a self-made lawyer at one time in the northern part of the State +who would rather find a seventy-five cent word and use it in a speech +where it did not belong than to eat a good square meal. He was more fatal +to the King's English than O'Dynamite Rossa. One day he was telling how +methodical one of the county officials was. + +“Why,” said he, “I never saw a man do so much and do it so easy. But the +secret of it is plain enough. You see, he has a regular rotunda of +business every day.” + +If he meant anything, I suppose he meant a routine of business, but a man +would have to be a mind reader to follow him some days when he had about +six fingers of cough medicine aboard and began to paw around in the dark +and musty garret of his memory for moth-eaten words that didn't mean +anything. + +A neighbor of mine went to Washington during the Guiteau trial and has +been telling us about it ever since. He is one of those people who don't +want to be close and stingy about what they know. He likes to go through +life shedding information right and left. He likes to get a crowd around +him and then tell how he was in Washington at the time of the “post +mortise examination.” “Boys, you may talk all your a mind to, but the +greatest thing I saw in Washington,” said he, “was Dr. Mary Walker on the +street every morning riding one of these philosophers.” + +[Illustration: HE PAINTED THE FENCE GREEN.] + +He painted the top of his fence green, last year, so it would “kind of +combinate with his blinds.” + +If he would make his big words “combinate” with what he means a little +better, he would not attract so much attention. But he don't care. He +hates to see a big, fat word loafing around with nothing to do, so he +throws one in occasionally for exercise, I guess. + +In the Minnesota legislature, in 1867, they had under discussion a bill to +increase the per diem of members from three dollars to five dollars. A +member of the lower house, who voted for the measure, was hauled over the +coals by one of his constituents and charged with corruption in no +unmeasured terms. To all this the legislator calmly answered that when he +got down to the capital and found out the awful price of board, he +concluded that his “per diadem” ought to be increased, and so he supported +the measure. Then the belligerent constituent said: + +“I beg your pardon and acquit you of all charges of corruption, for a +legislator who does not know the difference between a crown of glory and +the price of a day's work is too big a blankety blanked fool to be +convicted of an intentional wrong.” + + + + +Petticoats at the Polls. + +There have been many reasons given, first and last, why women should not +vote, but I desire to say, in the full light of a ripe experience, that +some of them are fallacious. I refer more particularly to the argument +that it will degrade women to go to the polls and vote like a little man. +While I am not and have never been a howler for female suffrage, I must +admit that it is much more of a success than prohibition and speculative +science. + +My wife voted eight years with my full knowledge and consent, and to-day I +cannot see but that she is as docile and as tractable as when she won my +trusting heart. + +Now those who know me best will admit that I am not a ladies' man, and, +therefore, what I may say here is not said to secure favor and grateful +smiles. I am not attractive and I am not in politics. I believe that I am +homelier this winter than usual. There are reasons why I believe that what +I may say on this subject will be sincere and not sensational or selfish. + +It has been urged that good women do not generally exercise the right of +suffrage, when they have the opportunity, and that only those whose social +record has been tarnished a good deal go to the polls. This is not true. + +It is the truth that a good full vote always shows a list of the best +women and the wives of the best men. A bright day makes a better showing +of lady voters than a bad one, and the weather makes a more perceptible +difference in the female vote than the male, but when things are exciting +and the battle is red-hot, and the tocsin of war sounds anon, the wife and +mother puts on her armor and her sealskin sacque and knocks things +cross-eyed. + +It is generally supposed that the female voter is a pantaloonatic, a half +horse, half alligator kind of woman, who looks like Dr. Mary Walker and +has the appearance of one who has risen hastily in the night at the alarm +of fire and dressed herself partially in her own garments and partially in +her husband's. This is a popular error. In Wyoming, where female suffrage +has raged for years, you meet quiet, courteous and gallant gentlemen, and +fair, quiet, sensible women at the polls, where there isn't a loud or +profane word, and where it is an infinitely more proper place to send a +young lady unescorted than to the postoffice in any city in the Union. You +can readily see why this is so. The men about the polls are always +candidates and their friends. That is the reason that neither party can +afford to show the slightest rudeness toward a voter. The man who on +Wednesday would tell her to go and soak her head, perhaps, would stand +bareheaded to let her pass on Tuesday. While she holds a smashed ballot +shoved under the palm of her gray kid glove she may walk over the +candidate's prostrate form with impunity and her overshoes if she chooses +to. + +Weeks and months before election in Wyoming, the party with the longest +purse subsidizes the most livery stables and carriages. Then, on the +eventful day, every conveyance available is decorated with a political +placard and driven by a polite young man who is instructed to improve the +time. Thus every woman in Wyoming has a chance to ride once a year, at +least. Lately, however, many prefer to walk to the polls, and they go in +pairs, trios and quartettes, voting their little sentiments and calmly +returning to their cookies and crazy quilts as though politics didn't jar +their mental poise a minute. + +It is possible, and even probable, that a man and his wife may disagree on +politics as they might on religion. The husband may believe in Andrew +Jackson and a relentless hell, while his wife may be a stalwart and rather +liberal on the question of eternal punishment. If the husband manages his +wife as he would a clothes-wringer, and turns her through life by a crank, +he will, no doubt, work her politically; but if she has her own ideas +about things, she will naturally act upon them, while the man who is +henpecked in other matters till he can't see out of his eyes, will be +henpecked, no doubt, in the matter of national and local politics. + +These are a few facts about the actual workings of female suffrage, and I +do not tackle the great question of the ultimate results upon the +political machinery if woman suffrage were to become general. I do not +pretend to say as to that. I know a great deal, but I do not know that. +There are millions of women, no doubt who are better qualified to vote, +and yet cannot, than millions of alleged men who do vote; but no one can +tell now what the ultimate effect of a change might be. + +So far as Wyoming is concerned, the Territory is prosperous and happy. I +see, also, that a murderer was hung by process of law there the other day. +That looks like the onward march of reform, whether female suffrage had +anything to do with it or not. And they're going to hang another in March +if the weather is favorable and executive clemency remains dormant, as I +think it will. + +All these things look hopeful. We can't tell what the Territory would have +been without female suffrage, but when they begin to hang men by law +instead of by moonlight, the future begins to brighten up. When you have +to get up in the night to hang a man every little while and don't get any +per diem for it, you feel as though you were a good way from home. + + + + +The Sedentary Hen. + +Though generally cheerful and content with her lot, the hen at times +becomes moody, sullen and taciturn. We are often called upon to notice and +profit by the genial and sunny disposition of the hen, and yet there are +times in her life when she is morose, cynical, and the prey of consuming +melancholy. At such times not only her own companions, but man himself +shuns the hen. + +At first she seems to be preoccupied only. She starts and turns pale when +suddenly spoken to. Then she leaves her companions and seems to be the +victim of hypochondria. Then her mind wanders. At last you come upon her +suddenly some day, seated under the currant bushes. You sympathize with +her and you seek to fondle her. She then picks a small memento out of the +back of your hand. You then gently but firmly coax her out of there with a +hoe, and you find that she has been seated for some time on an old croquet +ball, trying to hatch out a whole set of croquet balls. This shows that +her mind is affected. You pick up the croquet ball, and find it hot and +feverish, so you throw it into the shade of the woodshed. Anon, you find +your demented hen in the loft of the barn hovering over a door knob and +trying by patience and industry to hatch out a hotel. + +When a hen imagines that she is inspired to incubate, she at once ceases +to be an ornament to society and becomes a crank. She violates all the +laws and customs of nature and society in trying to hatch a conservatory +by setting through the long days and nights of summer on a small flower +pot. + +Man may win the affections of the tiger, the lion, or the huge elephant, +and make them subservient to his wishes, but the setting hen is not +susceptible to affection. You might as well love the Manitoba blizzard or +try to quell the cyclone by looking calmly in its eye. The setting hen is +filled with hatred for every living thing. She loves to brood over her +wrongs or anything else she can find to squat on. + +I once owned a hen that made a specialty of setting. She never ceased to +be the proud anonymous author of a new, warm egg, but she yearned to be a +parent. She therefore seated herself on a nest where other hens were in +the habit of leaving their handiwork for inspection. She remained there +during the summer hatching steadily on while the others laid, until she +filled my barnyard with little orphaned henlets of different ages. She +remained there night and day, patiently turning out poultry for me to be a +father to. I brought up on the bottle about one hundred that summer that +had been turned out by this morbidly maternal hen. All she seemed to ask +in return was my kind regards and esteem. I fed her upon the nest and +humored her in every way. Every day she became a parent, and every day +added to my responsibility. + +[Illustration: SUCCESS WITH CHICKENS.] + +One day I noticed that she seemed weak and there was a far away look in +her eye. For the first time the horrible truth burst upon my mind. I +buried my face in the haymow and I am not ashamed to say that I wept. +Strong man as I am, I am not too proud to say that I soaked that haymow +through with unavailing tears. + +My hen was dying even then. Her breath came hot and quick like the swift +rush of a hot ball that caves in the short-stop and speeds away to +center-field. + +The next morning one hundred chickens of various sizes were motherless, +and if anything had happened to me they would have been fatherless. + +For many years I have made a close study of the setting hen, but I am +still unsettled as to what is best to do with her. She is a freak of +nature, a disagreeable anomaly, a fussy phenomenon. Logic, rhetoric and +metaphor are all alike to the setting hen. You might as well go down into +the bosom of Vesuvius and ask it to postpone the next eruption. + + + + +A Bright Future for Pugilism. + +The recent prominence of Mr. John E. Dempsey, better known as Jack +Dempsey, of New York, brings to mind a four days' trip taken in his +company from Portland, Oregon, to St. Paul, over the Northern Pacific. + +There were three pugilists in the party besides myself, viz. Dempsey, Dave +Campbell and Tom Cleary. We made a grand, triumphant tour across the +country together, and I may truthfully state that I never felt so free to +say anything I wanted to--to other passengers--as I did at that time. I +wish I could afford to take at least one pugilist with me all the time. In +traveling about the country lecturing, a good pugilist would be of great +assistance. I would like to set him on the man who always asks: “Where do +you go to from here, Mr. Nye?” He does not ask because he wants to know, +for the next moment he asks right over again. I do not know why he asks, +but surely it is not for the purpose of finding out. + +Well, throughout our long journey across the State of Oregon and the +Territories of Idaho, Montana and Dakota, and the State of Minnesota, it +was one continual ovation. Dempsey had a world-wide reputation, I found, +co-extensive with the horizon, as I may say, and bounded only by the +zodiac. + +In my great forthcoming work, entitled “Half-Hours with Great Men, or +Eminent People Which I Have Saw,” I shall give a fuller description of +this journey. The book will be a great boon. + +Mr. Dempsey is not a man who would be picked out as a great man. You might +pass by him two or three times without recognizing his eminence, and yet, +at a scrapping matinee or swatting recital, he seems to hold his audiences +at his own sweet will--also his antagonist. + +Mr. Dempsey does not crave notoriety. He seems rather to court seclusion. +This is characteristic of the man. See how he walked around all over the +State of New York last week--in the night, too--in order to evade the +crowd. + +His logic, however, is wonderful. Though quiet and unassuming in his +manner, his arguments are powerful and generally make a large protuberance +wherever they alight. + +Nothing is more pleasing than the sight of a man who has risen by his own +unaided effort, fought his way up, as it were, and yet who is not vain. +Mr. Dempsey conversed with me frequently during our journey, and did not +seem to feel above me. + +I opened the conversation by telling him that I had seen a number of his +works. Nothing pleases a young author so much as a little friendly remark +in relation to his work. I had seen a study of his one day in New York +last spring. It was an italic nose with quotation marks on each side. + +It was a very happy little bon mot on Mr. Dempsey's part, and attracted a +good deal of notice at the time. + +Mr. Dempsey is not a college graduate, as many suppose. He is a self-made +man. This should be a great encouragement to our boys who are now unknown, +and whose portraits have not as yet appeared in the sporting papers. + +But Mr. Dempsey's great force as a debater is less, perhaps, in the matter +than in the manner. His delivery is good and his gestures cannot fail to +convince the most skeptical. Striking in appearance, aggressive in his +nature, and happy in his gestures, he is certain to attract the attention +of the police, and he cannot fail to rivet the eye of his adversary. I saw +one of his adversaries, not long ago, whose eye had been successfully +riveted in that way. + +And yet, John E. Dempsey was once a poor boy. He had none of the +advantages which wealth and position bring. But, confident of his latent +ability as a middle-weight convincer, he toiled on, ever on, sitting up +until long after other people had gone to bed, patiently knocking out +those who might be brought to him for that purpose. He never hung back +because the way looked long and lonely. And what is the result? To-day, in +the full vigor of manhood, he is sought out and petted by everyone who +takes an interest in the onward march of pugilism. + +It is a wonderful record, though brief. It shows what patient industry +will accomplish unaided. Had John E. Dempsey hesitated to enter the ring +and said that he would rather go to school, where he would be safe, he +might to-day be an educated man; but what does that amount to here in +America, where everybody can have an education? He would have lost his +talent as a slugger, and drifted steadily downward, perhaps, till he +became a school-teacher or a narrow-chested editor, writing things day +after day just to gratify the morbid curiosity of a sin-cursed world. + +In closing, I would like to say that I hope I have not expressed an +opinion in the above that may hereafter be used against me. Do not +understand me to be the foe of education. Education and refinement are +good enough in their places, but how shall we attract attention by trying +to become refined and educated in a land where, as I say, education and +refinement seem almost to run rampant. + +Heretofore, in America, pugilism has been made subservient to the common +schools. Pugilism and polygamy have both been crowded to the wall. Now +pugilism is about to assert itself. The tin ear and the gory nose will +soon come to the front, and the day is not far distant when progressive +pugilism and the prize-ring will take the place of the poorly ventilated +common school and the enervating prayer meeting. + + + + +The Snake Indian. + +There are about 5,000 Snake or Shoshone Indians now extant, the greater +part being in Utah and Nevada, though there is a reservation in Idaho and +another in Wyoming. + +The Shoshone Indian is reluctant to accept of civilization on the European +plan. He prefers the ruder customs which have been handed down from father +to son along with other hairlooms. I use the word hairlooms in its +broadest sense. + +There are the Shoshones proper and the Utes or Utahs, to which have been +added by some authorities the Comanches, and Moquis of New Mexico and +Arizona, the Netelas and other tribes of California. The Shoshone, +wherever found, is clothed in buckskin and blanket in winter, but dressed +more lightly in summer, wearing nothing but an air of intense gloom in +August. To this he adds on holidays a necklace made from the store teeth +of the hardy pioneer. + +[Illustration: HOLIDAY COSTUME.] + +The Snake or Shoshone Indian is passionately fond of the game known as +poker among us, and which, I learn, is played with cards. It is a game of +chance, though skill and a thorough knowledge of firearms are of great +use. The Indians enter into this game with great zeal, and lend to it the +wonderful energy which they have preserved from year to year by abstaining +from the debilitating effects of manual labor. All day long the red +warrior sits in his skin boudoir, nursing the sickly and reluctant +“flush,” patient, silent and hopeful. Through the cold of winter in the +desolate mountains, he continues to + + “Hope on, hope ever,” + +that he will “draw to fill.” Far away up the canyon he hears the sturdy +blows of his wife's tomahawk as she slaughters the grease wood and the +sage brush for the fire in his gilded hell where he sits and woos the lazy +Goddess of Fortune. + +With the Shoshone, poker is not alone a relaxation, the game wherewith to +wear out a long and listless evening, but it is a passion, a duty and a +devotion. He has a face designed especially for poker. It never shows a +sign of good or evil fortune. You might as well try to win a smile from a +railroad right of way. The full hand, the fours, threes, pairs and +bob-tail flushes are all the same to him, if you judge by his face. + +When he gets hungry he cinches himself a little tighter and continues to +“rastle” with fate. You look at his smoky, old copper cent of a face, and +you see no change. You watch him as he coins the last buckshot of his +tribe and later on when he goes forth a pauper, and the corners of his +famine-breeding mouth have never moved, His little black, smoke-inflamed +eyes have never lighted with triumph or joy. He is the great aboriginal +stoic and sylvan dude. He does not smile. He does not weep. It certainly +must be intensely pleasant to be a wild, free, lawless, irresponsible, +natural born fool. + +[Illustration: GOING AWAY BROKE.] + +The Shoshones proper include the Bannocks, which are again subdivided into +the Koolsitakara or Buffalo Eaters, on Wind River, the Tookarika or +Mountain Sheep Eaters, on Salmon or Suabe Eivers, the Shoshocas or White +Knives, sometimes called Diggers, of the Humbolt Eiver and the Great Salt +Lake basin. Probably the Hokandikahs, Yahooskins and the Wahlpapes are +subdivisions of the Digger tribe. I am 'not sure of this, but I shall not +suspend my business till I can find out about it. If I cannot get at a +great truth right off I wait patiently and go right on drawing my salary. + +The Shoshones live on the government and other small game. They will eat +anything when hungry, from a buffalo down to a woodtick. The Shoshone does +not despise small things. He loves insects in any form. He loves to make +pets of them and to study their habits in his home life. + +[Illustration: THE HOME CIRCLE.] + +Formerly, when a great Shoshone warrior died, they killed his favorite +wife over his grave, so that she could go to the happy hunting grounds +with him, but it is not so customary now. I tried to impress on an old +Shoshone brave once that they ought not to do that. I tried to show him +that it would encourage celibacy and destroy domestic ties in his tribe. +Since then there has been quite a stride toward reform among them. Instead +of killing the widow on the death of the husband, the husband takes such +good care of his health and avoids all kinds of intellectual strain or +physical fatigue, that late years there are no widows, but widowers just +seem to swarm in the Shoshone tribe. The woods are full of them. + +Now, if they would only kill the widower over the grave of the wife, the +Indian's future would assume a more definite shape. + + + + +Roller Skating. + +I have once more tried to ride a pair of roller skates. That is the reason +I got down on the rink and down on roller skates. That is the reason +several people got down on me. That is also the reason why I now state in +a public manner, to a lost and undone race, that unless the roller-rink is +at once abolished, the whole civilized race will at once be plunged into +arnica. + +I had tried it once before, but had not carried my experiments to a +successful termination. I made a trip around the rink last August, but was +ruled out by the judges for incompetency, and advised to skate among the +people who were hostile to the government of the United States, while the +proprietors repaired the rink. + +On the 9th of June I nestled in the bosom of a cyclone to excess, and it +has required the bulk of the succeeding months for nature to glue the bone +of my leg together in proper shape. That is the reason I have not given +the attention to roller-skating that I should. + +A few weeks ago I read what Mr. Talmage said about the great national +vice. It was his opinion that, if we skated in a proper spirit, we could +leave the rink each evening with our immortal souls in good shape. + +Somehow it got out that on Thursday evening I would undertake the feat of +skating three rounds in three hours with no protection to my scruples, for +one-half the gate money, Talmage rules. So there was quite a large +audience present with opera glasses. Some had umbrellas, especially on the +front rows. These were worn spread, in order to ward off fragments of the +rink which might become disengaged and set in motion by atmospheric +disturbances. + +In obedience to a wild, Wagnerian snort from the orchestra, I came into +the arena with my skates in hand. I feel perfectly at home before an +audience when I have my skates in hand. It is a morbid desire to wear the +skates on my feet that has always been my _bete noire_. Will the office +boy please give me a brass check for that word so that I can get it when I +go away? + +My first thought, after getting myself secured to the skates, was this: +“Am I in the proper frame of mind? Am I doing this in the right spirit? Am +I about to skate in such a way as to lift the fog of unbelief which now +envelopes a sinful world, or shall I deepen the opaque night in which my +race is wrapped?” + +Just then that end of the rink erupted in a manner so forthwith and so +_tout ensemble_ that I had to push it back in place with my person. I +never saw anything done with less delay or less languor. + +The audience went wild with enthusiasm, and I responded to the encore by +writing my name in the air with my skates. + +This closed the first seance, and my trainer took me in the dressing-room +to attend a consultation of physicians. After the rink carpenter had +jacked up the floor a little I went out again. I had no fears about my +ability to perform the mechanical part assigned me, but I was still +worried over the question of whether it would or would not be of lasting +benefit to mankind. + +Those who have closely scrutinized my frame in repose have admitted that I +am fearfully and wonderfully made. Students of the human frame say that +they never saw such a wealth of looseness and limberness lavished upon one +person. They claim that nature bestowed upon me the hinges and joints +intended for a whole family, and therefore when I skate the air seems to +be perfectly lurid with limbs. I presume that this is true; though I have +so little leisure while skating in which to observe the method itself, the +plot or animus of the thing, as it were, that my opinion would be of +little value to the scientist. + +I am led to believe that the roller skate is certainly a great civilizer +and a wonderful leveler of mankind. If we so skate that when the summons +comes to seek our ward in the general hospital, where each shall heal his +busted cuticle within the walls where rinkists squirm, we go not like the +moral wreck, morally paralyzed, but like a hired man taking his medicine, +and so forth--we may skate with perfect impunity, or anyone else to whom +we may be properly introduced by our cook. + + + + +No More Frontier. + +The system of building railroads into the wilderness, and then allowing +the wilderness to develop afterward, has knocked the essential joy out of +the life of the pioneer. At one time the hardy hewer of wood and drawer of +water gave his lifetime willingly that his son might ride in the +“varnished cars.” Now the Pullman palace car takes the New Yorker to the +threshold of the sea, or to the boundary line between the United States +and the British possessions. + +It has driven out the long handled frying pan and the flapjack of twenty +years ago, and introduced the condensed milk and canned fruit of commerce. +Along the highways, where once the hopeful hundreds marched with long +handled shovel and pick and pan, cooking by the way thin salt pork and +flapjacks and slumgullion, now the road is lined with empty beer bottles +and peach cans that have outlived their usefulness. No landscape can be +picturesque with an empty peach can in the foreground any more than a lion +would look grand in a red monogram horse blanket and false teeth. + +[Illustration] + +The modern camp is not the camp of the wilderness. It wears the +half-civilized and shabby genteel garments of a sawed-off town. You know +that if you ride a day you will be where you can get the daily papers and +read them under the electric light. That robs the old canyons of their +solemn isolation and peoples each gulch with the odor of codfish balls and +civilization. Civilization is not to blame for all this, and yet it seems +sad. + +Civilization could not have done all this alone. It had to call to its aid +the infernal fruit can that now desolates the most obscure trail in the +heart of the mountains. You walk over chaos where the “hydraulic” has +plowed up the valley like a convulsion, or you tread the yielding path +across the deserted dump, and on all sides the rusty, neglected and +humiliated empty tin can stares at you with its monotonous, dude-like +stare. + +An old timer said to me once: “I've about decided, Bill, that the West is +a matter of history. When we cooked our grub over a sage brush fire we +could get fat and fight Indians, but now we fill our digesters with the +cold pizen and pewter of the canned peach; we go to a big tavern and stick +a towel under our chins and eat pie with a fork and heat up our carkisses +with antichrist coal, and what do we amount to? Nuthin! I used to chase +Injuns all day and eat raw salt pork at night, bekuz I dassent build a +fire, and still I felt better than I do now with a wad of tin-can solder +in my stummick and a homesick feeling in my weather-beaten breast. + +“No, we don't have the fun we used to. We have more swarrees and sciatica +and one bloomin' thing and another of that kind, but we don't get one +snort of pure air and appetite in a year. They're bringin' in their blamed +telephones now and malaria and aigue and old sledge, and fun might as well +skip out. There ain't no frontier any more. All we've got left is the +old-fashioned trantler joos and rhumatiz of '49.” + + Behind the red squaw's cayuse plug, + The hand-car roars and raves, + And pie-plant pies are now produced + Above the Indian graves. + I hear the oaths of pioneers, + The caucus yet to be, + The first low hum where soon will + The fuzzy bumble bee. + + + + +A Letter of Regrets. + +My dear Princess Beatrice--I received your kind invitation to come up to +Whippingham on the 23d inst. and see you married, but I have not been able +to get there. The weather has been so hot this month, that, to tell you +the truth, Beatrice, I haven't been going anywhere to speak of. At first I +thought I would go anyhow, and even went so far as to pick out a nice +corner bracket to take along for a wedding present. Not so much for its +intrinsic value, of course, but so you would have something with my name +to it on a card that you could show to those English dudes, and let them +know that you had influential friends, even in America. But when I thought +what a long, hard trip it would be, and how I would probably mash that +bracket on the cars before I got half way there, I gave it up. + +I am not personally acquainted with your inamorato, if that's all right, +never having met him in our set; but I understand you have done well, and +that your husband is a rising young man of good family, and that he will +never allow you to put your hands into dishwater. I hope this is true and +that he does not drink. Rum has certainly paralyzed more dukes and such +things than war has. I attribute this to the fact that princes and dukes +are generally more reckless about exposing themselves to the demon rum +than to the rude alarums and one thing another of war. + +If you keep a girl I hope you will get a good one who knows her business. +A green girl in the house of a newly-married princess is a great source of +annoyance. A friend of mine who got married last winter got a girl whose +mind had been eaten by cut-worms and she had not discovered it. All the +faculty that had been spared her was that power of the mind which enabled +her to charge $3 a week. She lubricated the buckwheat pancake griddle for +a week with soap grease and a dash of castor oil, and when she was +discharged she wept bitterly because capital with the iron heel ground the +poor servant girl into the dust. + +Probably you will take a little tour after the wedding is over. They are +doing that way a good deal in Boston this season. I thought you would like +a pointer in the very lum-tumest thing to do, and so I write this. So long +as you have the means to do this thing right, I think you ought to do so. +You may never be married again, princess, and now is the time to paint the +British Isles red. + +You can also get more concessions from your husband now, while he is a +little rattled, and temporarily knocked silly by the pomp and pageant of +marrying into your family, and if you work it right you can maintain this +supremacy for years. Treat him with a gentle firmness, and do not weep on +his bosom if you detect the aroma of beer and bologna sausage on his young +breath. Bologna and royalty do not seem to harmonize first-rate, but +remember you can harass your husband if you choose, so that he will fall +to even lower depths than bologna and Milwaukee beer. Do not aggravate him +when he comes home tired, but help him do the chores and greet him with a +smile. + +I'd just as soon tell you, Beatrice, that this smile racket is not +original with me. I read it in a paper. This paper went on to say that a +young wife should always greet her husband with a smile on his return. I +showed the article to my wife and suggested that it was a good scheme, and +hoped she would try it on me sometime. She said if I would like to change +off awhile, and take my smile when I got home instead of taking it down +town, we would make the experiment. The trouble with the average woman of +the age in which we live, Beatrice, is that she is above her business. She +tries to be superior to her husband, and in many instances she succeeds. +That is the bane of wedded life. Do not strive to be superior to your +husband, Beatrice. If you do, it is good-bye, John. + +Treat him well at all times, whether he treats you well or not; then when +your mother gets tired of reigning and wants to come down and spend the +hot weather with you, she will be kindly greeted by her son-in-law. + +Do not allow the fact that you belong to the royal family to interfere +with your fun, Beatrice. If you want to wear a Mother Hubbard dress on the +throne during hot weather, or mash a mosquito with your mother's sceptre, +do so. Conventionality is a humbug and a nuisance, and I'd just as soon +tell you right here that if I could have gone to your wedding and worn a +linen coat and a perspiration, I would have gone; but to stand around +there all day in a tight black suit of clothes, in a mixed crowd of dukes, +and counts, and princes of high degree, most of whom are total strangers +to me, is more than I can stand. + +I wish you would give my love to your mother and tell her just how it was. +Make it as smooth as you can and break it to her gently. Tell her that the +royal family is spreading out so that I can't leave my work every time one +of its members gets married. Remember me to the Waleses, the Darmstadts, +Princess Irene and Victoria, Mr. and Mrs. Prince Alexander of Bulgaria, +also Prince Francis of Battenberg and the Countess Erbach Schomberg. They +will all be there probably, and so will Lord Latham and Lord Edgcumbe. I +know just how Edgcumbe will snort around there when he finds that I can't +be there. Give my kind regards to any other lords, dukes, duchesses, +dowagers or marchionesses who may inquire for me, and tell them all that I +will be in London next year if the Prince of Wales will drop me a line +stating that the moral tone of the city is such that it would be safe for +me to come. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Venice. + +We arrived in Venice last evening, latitude 45 deg. 25 min, N., longitude +12 deg. 19 min. E. + +Venice is the home of the Venetian, and also where the gondola has its +nest and rears its young. It is also the headquarters for the paint known +as Venetian red. They use it in painting the town on festive occasions. +This is the town where the Merchant of Venice used to do business, and the +home of Shylock, a broker, who sheared the Venetian lamb at the corner of +the Rialto and the Grand Canal. He is now no more. I couldn't even find an +old neighbor near the Rialto who remembered Shylock. From what I can learn +of him, however, I am led to believe that he was pretty close in his +deals, and liked to catch a man in a tight place and then make him squirm. +Shylock, during the great panic in Venice, many years ago, it is said, had +a chattel mortgage on more lives than you could shake a stick at. He would +loan a small amount to a merchant at three per cent, a month, and secure +it on a pound of the merchant's liver, or by a cut-throat mortgage on his +respiratory apparatus. Then, when the paper matured, he would go up to the +house with a pair of scales and a pie knife and demand a foreclosure. + +Venice is one of the best watered towns in Europe. You can hardly walk a +block without getting your feet wet, unless you ride in a gondola. + +The gondola is a long, slim hack without wheels and is worked around +through the damp streets by a brunette man whose breath should be a sad +framing to us all. He is called the gondolier. Sometimes he sings in a low +tone of voice and in a foreign tongue. I do not know where I have met so +many foreigners as I have here in Europe, unless it was in New York, at +the polls. Wherever I go, I hear a foreign tongue. I do not know whether +these people talk in the Italian language just to show off or not. Perhaps +they prefer it. London is the only place I have visited where the Boston +dialect is used. London was originally settled by adventurers from Boston. +The blood of some of the royal families of Massachusetts may be found in +the veins of London people. + +Wealthy young ladies in Venice do not run away with the coachman. There +are no coaches, no coachmen and no horses in Venice. There are only four +horses in Venice and they are made of copper and exhibited at St Mark's as +curiosities. + +The Accademia delle Belle Arti of Venice is a large picture store where I +went yesterday to buy a few pictures for Christmas presents. A painting by +Titian, the Italian Prang, pleased me very much, but I couldn't beat down +the price to where it would be any object for me to buy it. Besides, it +would be a nuisance to carry such a picture around with me all over the +Alps, up the Rhine and through St. Lawrence county. I finally decided to +leave it and secure something less awkward to carry and pay for. + +The Italians are quite proud of their smoky old paintings. I have often +thought that if Venice would run less to art and more to soap, she would +be more apt to win my respect. Art is all right to a certain extent, but +it can be run in the ground. It breaks my heart to know how lavish nature +has been with water here, and yet how the Venetians scorn to investigate +its benefits. When a gondolier gets a drop of water on him, he swoons. +Then he lies in a kind of coma till another gondolier comes along to +breathe in his face and revive him. + + + + +She Kind of Coaxed Him. + +I never practiced law very much, but during the brief period that my +sheet-iron sign was kissed by the Washoe zephyr, I had several odd +experiences. I'm sure that lawyers who practice for forty years, +especially on the frontier or in a new country, could write a large book +that would make mighty interesting reading. + +One day I was figuring up how much a man could save in ten years, paying +forty dollars a month rent, and taking in two dollars and fifty cents per +month, when a large man with a sad eye and an early purple tumor on the +side of his head, came in and asked me if my name was Nye. I told him it +was and asked him to take a chair and spit on the stove a few times, and +make himself entirely at home. + +He did so. + +After answering in a loud, tremulous tone of voice that we were having +rather a backward spring, he produced a red cotton handkerchief and took +out of it a deed which he submitted to my ripe and logical legal mind. + +I asked him if that was his name that appeared in the body of the deed as +grantor. He said it was. I then asked him why his wife had not signed it, +as it seemed to be the homestead, and her name appeared in the instrument +with that of her husband, but her signature wasn't at the foot, though his +name was duly signed, witnessed and acknowledged. + +“Well,” said he, “there's where the gazelle comes in.” He then took a bite +off the corner of a plug of tobacco about as big as a railroad land grant, +and laid two twenty dollar gold pieces on the desk near my arm. I took +them and tapped them together like the cashier of the Bank of England, +and, disguising my annoyance over the little episode, told him to go on. + +“Well,” said the large man, fondling the wen which nestled lovingly in his +faded Titian hair, “my wife has conscientious scruples against signing +that deed. We have been married about a year now, but not actively for the +past eleven months. I'm kind of _ex-officio_ husband, as you might say. +After we'd been married about a month a little incident occurred which +made a riffle, as you might say, in our domestic tide. I was division +master on the U.P., and one night I got an order to go down towards +Sidney and look at a bridge. Of course I couldn't get back till the next +evening. So I sighed and switched off to the superintendent's office, +expecting to go over on No. 4 and look at the bridge. At the office they +told me that I needn't go till Tuesday, so I strolled up town and got home +about nine o'clock, went in with a latch key, just as a mutual friend went +out through the bed-room window, taking a sash that I paid two dollars +for. I didn't care for the sash, because he left a pair of pantaloons +worth twelve dollars and some silver in the pockets, but I thought it was +such odd taste for a man to wear a sash without his uniform. + +“Well, as I had documentary evidence against my wife, I told her she could +take a vacation. She cried a good deal, but it didn't count I suffered a +good deal, but tears did not avail. It takes a good deal of damp weather +to float me out of my regular channel. She spent the night packing her +trousseau, and in the morning she went away. Now, I could get a divorce and +save all this trouble of getting her signature, but I'd rather not tell +this whole business in court, for the little woman seems to be trying to +do better, and if it wasn't for her blamed old hyena of a mother, would +get along tip-top. She's living with her mother now and if a lawyer would +go to the girl and tell her how it is, and that I want to sell the +property and want her signature, in place of getting a divorce, I believe +she'd sign. Would you mind trying it?” + +[Illustration: “COAXING.”] + +I said if I could get time I would go over and talk with her and see what +she said. So I did. I got along pretty well, too. I found the young woman +at home, and told her the legal aspects of the case. She wouldn't admit +any of the charges, but after a long parley agreed to execute the deed and +save trouble. She came to my office an hour later, and signed the +instrument I got two witnesses to the signature and had just put the +notarial seal on it when the girl's mother came in. She asked her daughter +if she had signed the deed and was told that she had. She said nothing, +but smiled in a way that made my blood run cold. If a woman were to smile +on me that way every day, I should certainly commit some great crime. + +I was just congratulating myself on the success of the business, and was +looking at the two $20 gold pieces and trying to get acquainted with them, +as it were, after the two women had gone away; when they returned with the +husband and son-in-law at the head of the procession. He looked pale and +careworn to me. He asked me in a low voice if I had a deed there, executed +by his wife. I said yes. He then asked me if I would kindly destroy it. I +said I would. I would make deeds and tear them up all day at $40 apiece. I +said I liked the conveyancing business very much, and if a client felt +like having a grand, warranty deed debauch, I was there to furnish the raw +material. + +I then tore up the deed and the two women went quietly away. After they +had gone, my client, in an absent-minded way, took out a large quid that +had outlived its usefulness, laid it tenderly on the open page of Estey's +Pleadings, and said: + +“You doubtless think I am a singular organization, and that my ways are +past finding out. I wish to ask you if I did right a moment ago?” Here he +took out another $20 and put it under the paper weight. “When I went down +stairs I met my mother-in-law. She always looked to me like a firm woman, +but I did not think she was so unswerving as she really was. She asked me +in a low, musical voice to please destroy the deed, and then she took one +of them Smith & Wesson automatic advance agents of death out from under +her apron and kind of wheedled me into saying I would. Now, did I do +right? I want a candid, legal opinion, and I'm ready to pay for it.” + +I said he did perfectly right. + + + + +Answering an Invitation. + +Hudson, Wis., January 19, 1886. + +Dear friend.--I have just received your kind and cordial invitation to +come to Washington and spend several weeks there among the eminent men of +our proud land. I would be glad to go as you suggest, but I cannot do so +at this time. I am passionately fond of mingling with the giddy whirl of +good society. I hope you will not feel that my reason for declining your +kind invitation is that I feel myself above good society. I assure you I +do not. + +Nothing pleases me better than to dress up and mingle among my fellow-men, +with a sprinkling here and there of the other sex. It is true that the +most profitable study for mankind is man, but we should not overlook +woman. Woman is now seeking to be emancipated. Let us put our great, +strong arms around her and emancipate her. Even if we cannot emancipate +but one, we shall not have lived entirely for naught. + +I am told by those upon whom I can rely that there are hundreds of +attractive young women throughout our joyous land who have arrived at +years of discretion and yet who have never been emancipated. I met a woman +on the cars last week who is lecturing on this subject, and she told me +all about it. Now, the question at once presents itself, how shall we +emancipate woman unless we go where she is? We must go right into society +and take her by the hand and never let go of her hand till she is properly +emancipated. Not only must she be emancipated, but she must be emancipated +from her present thralldom. Thralldom of this kind is liable to break out +in any community, and those who are now in perfect health may pine away in +a short time and flicker. + +My course, while mingling in society's mad whirl, is to first open the +conversation with a young lady by leading her away to the conservatory, +where I ask her if she has ever been the victim of thralldom and whether +or not she has ever been ground under the heel of the tyrant man. I then +time her pulse for thirty minutes, so as to strike a good average. The +emancipation of woman is destined at some day to become one of our leading +industries. + +You also ask me to kindly lead the German while there. I would cheerfully +do so, but owing to the wobbly eccentricity of my cyclone leg, it would be +sort of a broken German. But I could sit near by and watch the game with a +furtive glance, and fan the young ladies between the acts, and converse +with them in low, earnest, passionate tones. I like to converse with +people in whom I take an interest. I was conversing with a young lady one +evening at a recherche ball in my far away home in the free and unfettered +West, a very brilliant affair, I remember, under the auspices of Hose +Company No. 2, I was talking in a loud and earnest way to this liquid-eyed +creature, a little louder than usual, because the music was rather forte +just then, and the base viol virtuoso was bearing on rather hard at that +moment. The music ceased with a sudden snort. And so did my wife, who was +just waltzing past us. If I had ceased to converse at the same time that +the music shut off, all might have been well, but I did not. + +Your remark that the president and cabinet would be glad to see me this +winter is ill-timed. + +There have been times when it would have given me much pleasure to visit +Washington, but I did not vote for Mr. Cleveland, to tell the truth, and I +know that if I were to go to the White House and visit even for a few +days, he would reproach me and throw it up to me. It is true I did not +pledge myself to vote for him, but still I would hate to go to a man's +house and eat his popcorn and use his smoking tobacco after I had voted +against him and talked about him as I have about Cleveland. + +No, I can't be a hypocrite. I am right out, open and above board. If I +talk about a man behind his back, I won't go and gorge myself with his +victuals. I was assured by parties in whom I felt perfect confidence that +Mr. Cleveland was a “moral leper,” and relying on such assurances from men +in whom I felt that I could trust, and not being at that time where I +could ask Mr. Cleveland in person whether he was or was not a moral leper +as aforesaid, I assisted in spreading the report that he had been exposed +to moral leprosy, and as near as I could learn, he was liable to come down +with it at any time. + +So that even if I go to Washington I shall put up at a hotel and pay my +bills just as any other American citizen would. I know how it is with Mr. +Cleveland at this time. When the legislature is in session there, people +come in from around Buffalo with their butter and eggs to sell, and stay +overnight with the president. But they should not ride a free horse to +death. I may not be well educated, but I am high strung till you can't +rest Groceries are just as high in Washington as they are in Philadelphia. + +I hope that you will not glean from the foregoing that I have lost my +interest in national affairs. God forbid. Though not in the political +arena myself, my sympathies are with those who are. I am willing to assist +the families of those who are in the political arena trying to obtain a +precarious livelihood thereby. I was once an official under the Federal +government myself, as the curious student of national affairs may learn if +he will go to the Treasury Department at Washington, D.C., and ask to see +my voucher for $9.85, covering salary as United States commissioner for +the Second Judicial District of Wyoming for the year 1882. It was at that +time that a vile contemporary characterized me as “a corrupt and venal +Federal official who had fattened upon the hard-wrung taxes of my fellow +citizens and gorged myself for years at the public crib.” This was unjust +I was not corrupt I was not venal. I was only hungry! + + + + +Street Cars and Curiosities. + +There is an institution in Boston which the Pilgrim Fathers did not +originate. That is the street car. There is a street car parade all day +on Washington street, and a red-light procession most of the night. + +People told me that I could get into a car and go anywhere I wanted to. I +tried it. There was a point in Boston, I learned, where there were some +more relics that I hadn't seen. Parties told me where I could find some +more fragments of the Mayflower, and an old chair in which Josiah Quincy +had sat down to think. There were also a few more low price flint-lock +guns and tomahawks that no man who visited Boston could afford to miss. +Besides, there was said to be the lock that used to be on the door of a +room in which General Washington had a good notion to write his farewell +address. All these things were in the collection which I started out to +find, and there were others, also. + +For instance, there was a specimen of the lightning that Franklin caught +in his demijohn out of the sky, and still in a good state of preservation; +also some more clothes in which he was baptized, more swords of Bunker +Hill, and a little shirt which John Hancock put on as soon as he was born. +Hancock was a perfect gentleman from his birth, and it is said that the +first thing he did was to excuse himself for a moment and then put on this +shirt. His manners were certainly very agreeable, and he was very much +polished. + +I heard, too, that there was an acorn from the tree in which Benedict +Arnold had his nest while he was hatching treason. I did not believe it, +but I had an idea I could readily discover the fraud if I could only see +the acorn, for I am a great historian and researcher from away back. I was +told that in this collection there was a suspender button shed by Patrick +Henry during his memorable speech in which he raised up to his full height +on his hind feet and permitted the war to come in _italics_, also in SMALL +CAPS and in LARGE CAPS!!! with three astonishers on the end. + +So I wanted to find this place, and as I had plenty of means I decided to +ride in a street car. Therefore, I aimed my panic price cane at the driver +of a cream-colored car with a blue stomach, and remarked, “Hi, there!” + Before I go any further, and in order to avoid ambiguity, let me say that +it was the car that had the blue stomach. He (the driver) twisted the +brake and I went inside, clear to the further end, and sat down by the +side of a young woman who filled the whole car with sunshine. I was so +happy that I gave the conductor half a dollar and told him to keep the +change. If by chance she sees this, I hope she still remembers me. Pretty +soon a very fat woman came into the car and aimed for our quarter. She +evidently intended to squat between this fair girl and myself. But ah, +thought I to myself in a low tone of voice, I will fool thee. So I shoved +my person along in the seat toward the sweet girl of the Bay State. The +corpulent party, whose name I did not learn, had in the meantime backed up +to where she had detected a slight vacancy, and where I had seen fit to +place myself. At that moment she heaved a sigh of relief, and, assisted by +the motion of the car, which just then turned a corner, she sat down in my +lap and nestled in my bosom like a tired baby elephant. + +[Illustration: PATRICK HENRY.] + + +Dear reader, if I were to tell you that the crystal of my watch was picked +out from under my shoulder blades the next day, you would not believe it, +would you? I will not strain your faith in me by making the statement, but +that was the heaviest woman I ever held. + +While all this was going on I lost track of my location. The car began to +squirm around all over Boston, and finally the conductor came back and +wanted more money. I said no, I would get off and try a dark red car with +a green stomach for a while. So I did I rode on that till I had seen a +great deal of new scenery, and then I asked the conductor if he passed +Number Clankety Clank, Blank street. He said he did not, but if I would go +down two blocks further and take a maroon car with a plaid stomach it +would take me to the corner of “What-do-you-call-it and What's-his-name +streets,” where, if I took a seal brown car with squshed huckleberry +trimmings it would take me to where I wanted to go. So I tried it. I do +not know just where I missed my train, but when I found the seal brown car +with scrunched huckleberry trimmings it was going the other way, and as it +was late I went into a cafe and refreshed myself. When I came out I +discovered that it was too late to see the collection, even if I could +find it, for at 6 o'clock they take the relics in and put them into a +refrigerator till morning. + +[Illustration: TAKING A PRIZE.] + +I was now weary and somewhat disappointed, so I desired to get back to my +headquarters, wherein I could rest and where I could lock myself up in my +room, so no prize fat woman could enter. I hailed one of those sawed-off +landaus, consisting of two wheels, one door behind, and a bill for two +bits. I told the college graduate on the box where I wanted to go, gave +him a quarter and got in. I sat down and heaved a chaste sigh. The sigh +was only half hove when the herdic backed up to my destination, which was +about 300 feet from where I got in, as the crow flies. + +When I go to Boston again, I am going in charge of the police. + +The street railway system of Boston is remarkably perfect. Fifty cars pass +a given point on Washington street in an hour, and yet there are no +blockades. You can take one of those cars, if you are a stranger, and you +can get so mixed up that you will never get back, and all for five cents. +I felt a good deal like the man who was full and who stepped on a man who +was not full. The sober man was mad, and yelled out: “See here; condemn +it, can't you look where you're walking?” “Betcher life,” says the +inebriate, “but trouble is to walk where I'm lookin'.” + + + + +The Poor Blind Pig. + +I have just been over to the Falls of Minnehaha. In fact I have been quite +a tourist and summer resorter this season, having saturated my system with +nineteen different styles of mineral water in Wisconsin alone, and tried +to win the attention of nineteen different styles of head waiters at these +summer hotels. I may add in passing that the summer hotels of Wisconsin +and Minnesota have been crowded full the past season and more room will +have to be added before another season comes around. + +The motto of the summer hotel seems to be, “Unless ye shall have feed the +waiter, behold ye shall in no wise be fed.” Many waiters at these places, +by a judicious system of blackmail and starvation, have reduced the guest +to a sad state. + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO FEES THE WAITEE.] + +The mineral water of Wisconsin ranks high as a beverage. Many persons are +using it during the entire summer in place of rum. + +The water of Waukesha does not appear to taste of any mineral, although an +analysis shows the presence of several kinds of groceries in solution. The +water at Palmyra Springs also tastes like any other pure water, but at +Kankanna, on the Fox River, they have a style of mineral water which is +different. Almost as soon as you taste it you discover that it is +extremely different. Colonel Watrous, of the Milwaukee _Sunday Telegraph_, +took some of it. I saw him afterward. He looked depressed, and told me +that he had been deceived. Several Kankanna people had told him that this +was living water, He had discovered otherwise. He hated to place his +confidence in people and then find it misplaced. + +A favorite style of Kankanna revenge is to drink a quart of this water, +and then, on meeting an enemy, to breathe on him and wither him. One +breath produces syncope and blind staggers. Two breaths induce coma and +metallic casket for one. + +Minnehaha is not mineral water. It is just plain water, giving itself away +day after day like a fresh young man in society. If you want pure water +you get it at the spring near the foot of the fall, and if you want it +flavored, with something that will leave a blazed road the whole length of +your alimentary canal, you go to the “blind pig,” a few rods away from the +falls. + +The blind pig draws many people toward the falls through sympathy. To be +blind must indeed be a sad plight. Let us pause and reflect on this +proposition. + +By good fortune I have had a chance to watch the rum problem in all its +phases this summer. Beginning in Maine, where the most ingenious methods +of whipping the devil around the stump are adopted, then going through +northern Iowa and tasting her exhilarating pop, and at last paying ten +cents to see the blind pig at Minnehaha, I feel like one who has wrestled +with the temperance problem in a practical way, and I have about decided +that a high license is about the only way to make the sale of whisky +odious. Prohibition is too abrupt in its methods, and one generation can +hardly wipe out the appetite for liquor that has been planted and fostered +by fifty preceding generations. + +For fear that a few of my lady readers do not know what the Minnehaha +blind pig looks like, and that they may be curious about it, I will just +say that it is a method of evading the law, and consists of a dumb waiter, +wherein, if you pay ten cents, you get a glass of stimulants without the +annoyance of conversation. Many ladies who visit the falls, and who have +heard incidentally about the blind pig, express a desire to see the poor +little thing, but their husbands generally persuade them to refrain. + +Minnehaha is a beautiful waterfall. It is not so frightfully large and +grand as Niagara, but it is very fine, and if the State of Minnesota would +catch the man who nails his signs on the trees around there, and choke him +to death near the falls on a pleasant day, a large audience wold attend +with much pleasure, I believe that the fence-board advertiser is not only, +as a rule, wicked, but he also lacks common sense. Who ever bought a liver +pad or a corset because he read about it on a high board fence? No one. +Who ever purchased a certain kind of pill or poultice because the name of +that pill or poultice was nailed on a tree to disfigure a beautiful +landscape? I do not believe that any sane human being ever did so. If +everyone feels as I do about it, people would rather starve to death for +pills and freeze to death in a perfect wilderness of liver pads than buy +of the man who daubs the fair face of nature with names of his alleged +goods. + +I saw a squaw who seemed to belong in the picture of the poetic little +waterfall. I did not learn her name. It was one of these long, corduroy +Sioux names, that hang together with hyphens like a lot of sausage. The +salaried humorist of the party said he never sausage a name before. + +Translated into our tongue it meant +The-swift-daughter-of-the-prairie-blizzard-that-gathers-the-huckleberry-on +-the-run-and-don't-you-forget-it. + + + + +Daniel Webster. + +I presume that Daniel Webster was as good an off-hand speaker as this +country has ever produced. Massachusetts has been well represented in +Congress since that time, but she has had few who could successfully +compete with D. Webster, Esq., attorney and counsellor-at-law, Boston, +Mass. + +I have never met Mr. Webster, but I have seen a cane that he used to wear, +and since that time I have felt a great interest in him. It was a heavy +winter cane, and was presented to him as a token of respect. + +This reminds me of the inscription on a grave stone in the 280-year-old +churchyard at LaPointe, on Lake Superior, where I was last week. It shows +what punctuation has done for a lost and undone race. I copy the +inscription exactly as it appears: + + [Illustration: + LOUIS ROC DE DEAU + SHOT + ----AS A MARK OF + ESTEEM BY HIS + BROTHER] + +Daniel Webster had one of the largest and most robust brains that ever +flourished in our fair land. It was what we frequently call a teeming +brain, one of those four-horse teeming brains, as it were. Mr. Webster +wore the largest hat of any man then in Congress, and other senators and +representatives used to frequently borrow it to wear on the 2nd of +January, the 5th of July, and after other special occasions, when they had +been in executive session most all night and endured great mental strain. +This hat matter reminds me of an incident in the life of Benjamin F. +Butler, a man well known in Massachusetts even at the present time. + +One evening, at a kind of reception or some such dissipation as that, +while Jim Nye was in the Senate, the latter left his silk hat on the +lounge with the opening turned up, and while he was talking with someone +else, Mr. Butler sat down in the hat with so much expression that it was a +wreck. Everyone expected to see James W. Nye walk up and smite Benjamin F. +Butler, but he did not do so. He looked at the chaotic hat for a minute, +more in sorrow than in anger, and then he said: + +“Benjamin, I could have told you that hat wouldn't fit you before you +tried it on.” + +Daniel Webster's brain was not only very large, but it was in good order +all the time. Sometimes Nature bestows large brains on men who do not rise +to great prominence. Large brains do not always indicate great +intellectual power. These brains are large but of an inferior quality. A +schoolmate of mine used to wear a hat that I could put my head and both +feet into with perfect ease. I remember that he tied my shirt one day +while I was laying my well-rounded limbs in the mill pond near my +childhood's home. + +I was mad at the time, but I could not lick him, for he was too large. All +I could do was to patiently untie my shirt while my teeth chattered, then +fling a large, three-cornered taunt in his teeth and run. He kept on +poking fun at me, I remember, till I got dressed, and alluded +incidentally, to my small brain and abnormal feet. This stung my sensitive +nature, and I told him that if I had such a wealth of brain as he had, and +it was of no use to think with, I would take it to a restaurant and have +it breaded. Then I went away. + +But we were speaking of Webster. Many lawyers of our day would do well to +read and study the illustrious example of Daniel Webster. He did not sit +in court all day with his feet on the table and howl, “We object,” and +then down his client for $50, just because he had made a noise. I employed +a lawyer once to bring suit for me to recover quite a sum of money due me. +After years of assessments and toilsome litigation, we got a judgment. He +said to me that he was anxious to succeed with the case mainly because he +knew I Wanted to vindicate myself. I said yes, that was the idea exactly. +I wanted to be vindicated. + +So he gave me the vindication and took the judgment as a slight +testimonial of his own sterling worth. When I want to be vindicated again +I will do it with one of those self-cocking vindicators that you can carry +in a pocket. + +Looking over this letter, I am amazed to see the amount of valuable +information relative to the life of Mr. Webster that I have succeeded in +using. There are, of course, some minor details of Mr. Webster's life +which I have omitted, but nothing of real importance. The true history of +Mr. Webster is epitomized here, and told in a pleasing and graceful +manner, a style that is at once accurate and just and still elegant, +chaste and thoroughly refined, while at the same time there are little +gobs of sly humor in it that are real cute. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Two Ways of Telling It. + +I remember one sunny day in summer, we were sitting in the Boomerang +office, I and the city editor, and he was speaking enviously of my salary +of $150 per month as compared with his of $80, and I had just given him +the venerable minstrel witticism that of course my salary was much larger +than his, but he ought not to forget that he got his. + +Just then there was a revolver shot at the foot of our stairs, and then +another. The printers rushed into the stairway from the composing room, +and to save time I ran out on the balcony that hung over the sidewalk and +which gave me a bird's-eye view of the murder. The next issue of the paper +contained an account about like this: + +Cold-Blooded Murder.--Yesterday, between 12 and 1 o'clock, in front of +this office on Second street, James McKeon, in a manner almost wholly +unprovoked, shot James Smith, commonly known as Windy Smith. Smith died at +2 o'clock this morning of his wounds. Windy Smith was not a bad man, but, +as his nickname would imply, he was a kind of noisy, harmless fellow, and +McKeon, who is a gambler and professional bad man, can give no good reason +for the killing. There is a determined effort on foot to lynch the +murderer. + +This account was brief, but it seemed to set forth the facts pretty +clearly, I thought, and I felt considerably chagrined when I saw an +account of the matter latter on, as written up by the prosecuting +attorney. I may be inaccurate as to dates and some other points of detail, +but, as nearly as I can remember, his version of the matter was like this: + +THE TERRITORY OF WYOMING, } + COUNTY OF ALBANY. } ss. + +In Justice's Court, before E.W. Nye, Esq., Justice of the Peace. + +The Territory of Wyoming, plt'ff.} + vs. } Complaint. +James McKeon, def't. } + +The above named defendant, James McKeon, is accused of the crime of +murder, for that he, the said defendant, James McKeon, at the town of +Laramie City, in the County of Albany and Territory of Wyoming, and on the +13th day of July, Anno Domini 1880, then and there being, he, the said +defendant, James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously, feloniously, wickedly, +unlawfully, criminally, illegally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and +murderously, by means of a certain deadly weapon commonly called a Smith & +Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol, so constructed as to revolve upon +itself and to be discharged by means of a spring and hammer, and with six +chambers thereto, and known commonly as a self-cocker, the same loaded +with gun-powder and leaden bullets, and in the hands of him, the said +defendant, James McKeon, level at, to, upon, by, contiguous to and against +the body of one James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, in the peace of +the commonwealth then and there being, and that by means of said deadly +weapon commonly called a Smith & Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol, so +constructed as to revolve upon itself and to be discharged by means of a +spring or hammer, and with six chambers thereto and known commonly as a +self-cocker, the same loaded with gunpowder and leaden bullets and in the +hands of him the said defendant, James McKeon, held at, to, upon, by, +contiguous to and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly +called Windy Smith, he, the said James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously, +feloniously, wickedly, fraudulently, virulently, unlawfully, criminally, +illegally, brutally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and murderously, of +his malice aforethought with the deadly weapon aforesaid held in the right +hand of him, the said defendant, James McKeon, to, at, against, etc., the +body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, he, the +said defendant, James McKeon, at the said town of Laramie City, in the +said County of Albany, and in the heretofore enumerated Territory of +Wyoming, and on the hereinbefore mentioned 13th day of July, Anno Domini +1880, did inflict to, at, upon, by, contiguous to, adjacent to, adjoining, +over and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called +Windy Smith, one certain deadly, mortal, dangerous and painful wound, +to-wit: Over, against, to, at, by, upon, contiguous to, near, adjacent to +and bisecting the intestines of him, the said James Smith, commonly called +Windy Smith, by reason of which he, the said James Smith, commonly called +Windy Smith, did in great agony linger, and lingering did die, on the 14th +day of July, Anno Domini 1880, at 2 o'clock in the forenoon of said day, +contrary to the statutes in such case made and provided, and against the +peace and dignity of the Territory of Wyoming. + +I am now convinced that although the published account was correct, it was +not as full as it might have been. Perhaps the tendency of modern +journalism is to epitomize too much. In the hurry of daily newspaper work +and the press of matter upon our pages, very likely we are fatally brief, +and sacrifice rhetorical beauty to naked and goose-pimply facts. + + + + +All About Menials. + +The subject of meals, lunch-counters, dining-cars and buffet-cars came up +the other day, incidentally. I had ordered a little breakfast in the +buffet-car, not so much because I expected to get anything, but because I +liked to eat in a car and have all the other passengers glaring at me. I +do not know which affords me the most pleasure--to sit for a photograph +and be stabbed in the cerebellum with a cast-iron prong, to be fed in the +presence of a mixed company of strangers, or to be called on without any +preparation to make a farewell speech on the gallows. + +However, I got my breakfast after awhile. The waiter was certainly the +most worthless, trifling, half-asleep combination of Senegambian stupidity +and poor white trash indolence and awkwardness that I ever saw. He brought +in everything except what I wanted, and then wound up by upsetting the +little cream pitcher in my lap. He did not charge for the cream. He threw +that in. + +So all the rest of the journey I was trying to eradicate a cream dado from +my pantaloons. It made me mad, because those pantaloons were made for me +by request Besides, I haven't got pantaloons to squander in that way. To +some a pair of pantaloons, more or less, is nothing, but it is much to me. + +[Illustration: SHOWING HIS INMOST THOUGHT.] + +There was a porter on the same train who was much the same kind of +furniture as the waiter. He slept days and made up berths all night. +Truly, he began making up berths at Jersey City, and when he got through, +about daylight, it was time to begin to unmake them again. All night long +I could hear him opening and shutting the berths like a concertina. He +sang softly to himself all night long: + + “You must camp a little in the wilderness + And then we'll all go home.” + +He played his own accompaniment on the berths. + +When in repose he was generally asleep with a whisk broom in one hand and +the other hand extended with the palm up, waiting for a dividend to be +declared. + +He generally slept with his mouth open, so that you could read his inmost +thoughts, and when I complained to him about the way my bunk felt, he said +he was sorry, and wanted to know which cell I was in. + +I rode, years ago, over a new stage line for several days. It was through +an almost trackless wilderness, and the service hadn't been “expedited” + then. It was not a star route, anyhow. The government seemed to think that +the man who managed the thing ought not to expect help so long as he had +been such a fool asterisk it. + + +(Five minutes intermission for those who wish to be chloroformed.) + + +The stage consisted of a buckboard. It was one of the first buckboards +ever made, and the horse was among the first turned out, also. The driver +and myself were the passengers. + +When it got to be about dinner time, I asked him if we were not pretty +near the dinner station. He grunted. He hadn't said a word since we +started. He was a surly, morose and taciturn man. I was told that he had +been disappointed in love. A half-breed woman named No-Wayno had led him +to believe that she loved him, and that if it had not been for her husband +she would gladly have been the driver's bride. So the driver assassinated +the disagreeable husband of No-Wayno. Then he went to the ranch to claim +his bride, but she was not there. She had changed her mind, and married a +cattle man, who had just moved on to the range with a government mule and +a branding iron, intending to slowly work himself into the stock business. + +So this driver was a melancholy man. He only made one remark to me during +that long forty-mile drive through the wilderness. About dinner time he +drove the horse under a quaking asp tree, tied a nose bag of oats over its +head and took a wad of bread and bacon from his greasy pocket. The bacon +and bread had little flakes of smoking tobacco all over it, because he +carried his grub and tobacco in the same pocket. For a moment he +introduced one corner of the bacon and bread in among his whiskers. Then +he made the only remark that he uttered while we were together. He said: + +“Pardner, dinner is now ready in the dining-car.” + + + + +A Powerful Speech. + +I once knew a man who was nominated by his fellow citizens for a certain +office and finally elected without having expended a cent for that +purpose. He was very eccentric, but he made a good officer. When he heard +that he was nominated, he went up, as he said, into the mountains to do +some assessment work on a couple of claims. He got lost and didn't get his +bearings until a day or two after election. Then he came into town hungry, +greasy and ragged, but unpledged. + +He found that he was elected, and in answer to a telegram started off for +'Frisco to see a dying relative. He did not get back till the first of +January. Then he filed his bond and sailed into the office. He fired +several sedentary deputies who had been in the place twenty years just +because they were good “workers.” That is, they were good workers at the +polls. They saved all their energies for the campaign, and so they only +had vitality enough left to draw their salaries during the balance of the +two years. + +This man raised the county scrip from sixty to ninety-five in less than +two years, and still they busted him in the next convention. He was too +eccentric. One delegate asked what in Sam Hill would become of the country +if every candidate should skin out during the campaign and rusticate in +the mountains while the battle was being fought. + +Says he, “I am a delegate from the precinct of Rawhide Buttes, and I +calklate I know what I am talkin' about. Gentlemen of the convention, just +suppose that everybody, from the President of the United States down, was +to git the nomination and then light out like a house afire and never come +back till it was time to file his bond; what's going to become of us +common drunkards to whom election is a noasis in the bad lands, an orange +grove in the alkali flats? + +“Mr. Chairman, there's millions of dollars in this broad land waiting for +the high tide of election day to come and float 'em down to where you and +I, Mr. Chairman, as well as other parched and patriotic inebriates, can +git a hold of 'em. + +“Gentlemen, we talk about stringency and shrinkage of values, and all such +funny business as that; but that's something I don't know a blamed thing +about. What I can grapple with is this: If our county offices are worth +$30,000, and there are other little after-claps and soft snaps, and +walk-overs, worth, say $10,000, and the boys, say, are willing to do the +fair thing, say, blow in fifteen per cent, to the central committee, and +what they feel like on the outside, then politics, instead of a burden and +a reproach, becomes a pleasing duty, a joyous occasion and a picnic to +those whose lives might otherwise be a dreary monotone. + +“Mr. Chairman, the past two years has wrecked four campaign saloons, and a +tinner who socked his wife's fortune into campaign torches is now in a +land where torchlights is no good. Overcome by a dull market, a financial +depression and a reserved central committee, he ate a package of Rough on +Rats, and passed up the flume. He is now at rest over yonder. + +“Such instances would be common if we encouraged the eccentric economy of +official cranks. It is an evil that is gnawing at the vitals of the +republic. We must squench it or get left. There are millions of dollars in +this country, Mr. Chairman, that, if we keep it out of the campaign, will +get into the hands of the working classes, and then you and I, Mr. +Chairman, and gentlemen of the convention, can starve to death. Keep the +campaign money away from the soulless hired man, gentlemen, or good-bye +John. + +“Mr. Chairman, excuse my emotion! It is almighty seldom that I make a +speech, but when I do, I strive to get there with both feet. We must +either work the campaign funds into their legitimate channels, or every +blamed patriot within the sound of my voice will have to fasten on a tin +bill and rustle for angle-worms amongst the hens. You hear me?” + +[Terrific applause, during which the delicate odor of enthusiasm was +noticed on the breath of the entire delegation.] + + + + +A Goat in a Frame. + +Laramie has a seal brown goat, with iron gray chin whiskers and a breath +like new mown hay. + +He has not had as hard a winter as the majority of stock on the Rocky +mountains, because he is of a domestic turn of mind and tries to make man +his friend. Though social in his nature, he never intrudes himself on +people after they have intimated with a shotgun that they are weary of +him. + +When the world seems cold and dark to him, and everybody turns coldly away +from him, he does not steal away by himself and die of corroding grief; he +just lies down on the sidewalk in the sun and fills the air with the +seductive fragrance of which he is the sole proprietor. + +One day, just as he had eaten his midday meal of boot heels and cold +sliced atmosphere and kerosene barrel staves, he saw a man going along the +street with a large looking glass under his arm. + +The goat watched the man, and saw him set the mirror down by a gate and go +inside the house after some more things that he was moving. Then the goat +stammered with his tail a few times and went up to see if he could eat the +mirror. + +When he got pretty close to it, he saw a hungry-looking goat apparently +coming toward him, so he backed off a few yards and went for him. There +was a loud crash, and when the man came out he saw a full length portrait +of a goat with a heavy, black walnut frame around it, going down the +street with a great deal of apparent relish. + +Then the man said something derogatory about the goat, and seemed offended +about something. + +Goats are not timid in their nature and are easily domesticated. + +There are two kinds of goat--the cashmere goat and the plain goat. The +former is worked up into cashmere shawls and cashmere bouquet. The latter +is not. + +The cashmere bouquet of commerce is not made of the common goat. It is a +good thing that it is not. + +A goat that has always been treated with uniform kindness and never +betrayed, may be taught to eat out of the hand. Also out of the flour +barrel or the ice-cream freezer. + + + + +To a Married Man. + +Adelbert G. Grimes writes as follows: “I am a young man not yet twenty-two +years of age. I am said to be rather attractive in appearance and a fluent +conversationalist. Three years ago I very foolishly married and settled on +a tree claim in Dakota, where we have three children, consisting of one +pair of twins and an ordinary child, born by itself. We are a considerable +distance from town, and to remain at home during the winter with no +company besides my wife and children is very irksome, especially as my +wife has never had the advantages that I have in the way of society. Her +conversational powers are very inferior, and I cannot bear to remain at +home very much. So I go to town, where I can meet my equals and enjoy +myself. + +“I fear that this will lead to an estrangement, for, when I return at +night, my wife's nose is so red from sniveling all day that I can hardly +bear to look at her. If there is anything in this world that I hate, it is +a red-eyed, red-nosed woman who sheds tears on all occasions. + +“Of course all this makes me irritable, and I say sharp things to her, as +I have a wonderful command of language at such times. She surely cannot +expect a young man twenty-two years old to stay at home day after day and +listen to squalling children, when he is still in the heyday of life with +joy beaming in his eye. + +“Of course I do say things to my wife that I am afterward sorry for, but I +made a great mistake in marrying the woman I did, and although some of my +lady friends told me so at the time, I did not then believe it. Do you +think I ought to bury myself on a tree claim with a woman far my inferior, +while I have talents that would shine in the best of society? I am greatly +distressed, and would willingly seek a legal separation if I knew how to +go about it. Will you kindly advise me? What do you think of my +penmanship?” + +I hardly know how to advise you, Adelbert. You have got yourself into a +place where you cannot do much but remain and take your medicine. +Unfortunately, there are too many such young men as you are, Adelbert. +You are young, and handsome, and smart. You casually admit this in your +letter, I see. You have a social nature, and would shine in society. You +also reluctantly confess this. That does not help you in my estimation, +Adelbert. If you are a bright and shining light in society, you are +probably a brunette fizzle as a husband. When you resolved to take a tree +claim and make a home in Dakota, why didn't you put your swallow-tail +coat under the bed and retire from the giddy whirl and mad rush of +society, the way your wife had to? + +I dislike very much to speak to you in a plain, blunt way, Adelbert, +being a total stranger to you, but when you convey the idea in your +letter that you have made a great mistake in marrying at the age of +nineteen, and marrying far beneath yourself, I am forced to agree with +you. If, instead of marrying a young girl who didn't know any better +than to believe that you were a man, instead of a fractional one, you +had come to me, and borrowed my revolver and blown out the fungus +growth which you refer to as your brains, you would have bit it. Even +now it is not too late. You can still come to me, and I will oblige +you. You cannot do your wife a greater favor at this time than to leave +her a widow, and the sooner you do so the less orphans there will be. + +[Illustration: “I HAVE A WONDERFUL COMMAND OF LANGUAGE.”] + +Did it ever occur to you, Adelbert, that your wife made a mistake also? +Did it ever bore itself through your adamantine skull that it is not an +unbroken round of gayety for a young girl to shut herself up in a lonesome +house for three years, gradually acquiring children, and meantime being +“sassed” by her husband because she is not a fluent conversationalist? + +Wherein you offend me, Adelbert, is that you persist in breathing the air +which human beings and other domestic animals more worthy than yourself +are entitled to. There are too many such imitation men at large. There +should be a law that would prohibit your getting up and walking on your +hind legs and thus imposing on other mammals. If I could run the +government for a few weeks, Adelbert, I would compel your style of +zoological wonder to climb a tree and stay there. + +So you married a woman who was far your inferior, did you? How did you do +it? Where did you go to find a woman who could be your inferior and still +keep out of the menagerie? Adelbert, I fear you do your wife a great +injustice. With just barely enough vitality to hand your name down to +posterity and blast the fair future of Dakota by leaving your trade-mark +on future generations, you snivel and whine over your blasted life! If +your life had been blasted a little harder twenty years ago, the life of +your miserable little wife would have been less blasted. + +If you had acquired a little more croup twenty years ago, Dakota would +have been ahead. Why did you go on year after year, permitting people to +believe you were a man, when you could have undeceived them in two minutes +by crawling into a hollow log and remaining there? + +Your penmanship is very good. It is better than your chances for a bright +immortality beyond the grave. Write to me again whenever you feel lonesome +or want advice. I was a young married man myself once, and I know what +they have to endure. Up to the time of my marriage, I had never known a +harsher tone than a flute note; my early life ran quiet as the clear brook +by which I sported, and so on. I was a great belle in society, also. I +attended all the swell balls and parties in our county for years. Wherever +you found fair women and brave men tripping the light bombastic toe, you +would also find me. “Sometimes I played second violin, and sometimes I +called off.” + + + + +To an Embryo Poet. + +The following correspondence is now given to the press for the first time, +with the consent of the parties: + +Wm. Nye, Esq.--_Dear Sir_-I am a young man, 20 years of age, with fair +education and a strong desire to succeed. I have done some writing for the +press, having written up a very nice article on progressive euchre, which +was a great success and published in our home paper, But it was not copied +so much in other papers as I would like to have saw it, and I take my pen +in hand at this time to write and ask you what there is in the article +enclosed that prevents its being copied abroad all over our broad land. I +write just as I hope you would feel perfectly free to write me at any +time. I think that writers ought to aid each other. Yours with kind +regards, + +Algernon L. Tewey. + +P.O. Box 202. + +I have carefully read and pondered over the dissertation on progressive +euchre which you send me, Algernon, and I cannot see why it should not be +ravenously seized and copied by the press of the broad, wide land referred +to in your letters. If you have time, perhaps it would be well enough to +go to the leading journalists of our country and ask them what they mean +by it. You might write till your vertebrae fell out of your clothes on the +floor, and it would not do half so much good as a personal conference with +the editors of America. First prepare your article, then go personally to +the editors of the country and call them one by one out into the hall, in +a current of cold air, and explain the article to them. In that way you +will form pleasant acquaintances and get solid with our leading +journalists. You have no idea, Algernon, how lonely and desolate the life +of a practical journalist is. Your fresh young face and your fresh young +ways, and your charming grammatical improvisations, would delight an +editor who has nothing to do from year to year but attend to his business. + +Do not try to win the editors of America by writing poems beginning: + + Now the merry goatlet jumps, + And the trifling yaller dog, + With the tin can madly humps + Like an acrobatic frog. + +At times you will be tempted to write such stuff as this, and mark it with +a large blue pencil and send it to the papers of the country, but that is +not a good way to do. + +Seriously, Algernon, I would suggest that you make a bold dash for success +by writing things that other people are not writing, thinking things that +other people are not thinking, and saying things that other people are not +saying. You will say that this advice is easier to give than to take, and +I agree with you. But the tendency of the age is to wear the same style of +collar and coat and hat that every other man wears, and to talk and write +like other men; and to be frank with you, Algernon, I think it is an +infernal shame. If you will look carefully about you, you will see that +the preacher, who is talking mostly to dusty pew cushions, is also the +preacher who is thinking the thoughts of other men. He is “up-ending” his +barrel of sermons annually, and they were made in the first place from the +sermons of a man who also “up-ended” his barrel annually. Go where the +preacher is talking to full houses, and you will discover that his sermons +are full of humanity and originality. They are not written in a library by +a man with interchangeable ideas, an automatic cog-wheel thinker, but they +are prepared by a man who earnestly and honestly studies the great, aching +heart of humanity, and full of sincerity, originality and old-fashioned +Christianity, appeals to your better impulses. + +How is it with our poetry? As a fellow-traveler and sea-sick tourist +across life's tempestuous tide, I ask you, Algernon, who is writing the +poetry that will live? Is it the man who is sawing out and sandpapering +stanzas of the same general dimensions as some other poet, in which he +bewails the fact that he loved a tall, well-behaved, accomplished girl, +sixteen hands high, who did not require his love? + +Ah, no! He is not the poet whose terra cotta statue will stand in the +cemetery, wearing a laurel wreath and a lumpy brow. Show me the poet who +is intimate with nature and who studies the little joys and sorrows of the +poor; who smells the clover and writes about live, healthy people with +ideas and appetites. He is my poet. + +I apologize for speaking so earnestly, Algernon, but I saw by your letter +that you felt kindly toward me, and rather invited an expression of +opinion on my part. So I have written more freely, perhaps, than I +otherwise would. We are both writers. Measurably so, at least. You write +on progressive euchre, and I write on anything that I can get hold of. So +let us agree here and promise each other that, whatever we do, we will not +think through the thinker of another man. + +The Great Ruler of the universe has made and placed upon the earth a good +many millions of men, but He never made any two of them exactly alike. We +may differ from every one of the countless millions who have preceded us, +and still be safe. Even you and I, Algernon, may agree in many matters, +and yet be very dissimilar. At least I hope so, and I presume you do also. + + + + +Eccentricities of Genius. + +Alfonso Quanturnernit Dowdell, Frumenti, Ohio, writes to know something +of the effects of alcohol on the brain of an adult, being evidently +apprehensive that some day he may become an adult himself He says: + +“I would be glad to know whether or not you think that liquor stimulates +the brain to do better literary work. I have been studying the personal +history of Edgar A. Poe, and learned through that medium that he was in +the habit of drinking a good deal of liquor at times. I also read that +George D. Prentice, who wrote 'The Closing Year,' and other nice poems, +was a hearty drinker. Will you tell me whether this is all true or not, +and also what the effect of alcohol is on the brain of an adult?” + +It is said on good authority that Edgar A. Poe ever and anon imbibed the +popular beverages of his day and age, some of which contained alcohol. We +are led to believe these statements because they remain as yet undenied. +But Poe did a great deal of good in that way, for he set an example that +has been followed ever since, more or less, by quite a number of poets' +apprentices who emulated Poe's great gift as a drinker. These men, +thinking that poesy and delirium tremens went hand in hand, became fluent +drunkards early in their career, so that finally, instead of issuing a +small blue volume of poems they punctuated a drunkard's grave. + +So we see that Poe did a great work aside from what he wrote. He opened up +a way for these men which eradicated them, and made life more desirable +for those who remained. He made it easy for those who thought genius and +inebriation were synonymous terms to get to the hospital early in the day, +while the overworked waste-basket might secure a few hours of much needed +rest. + +George D. Prentice has also done much toward weeding out a class of people +who otherwise might have become disagreeable. It is better that these men +who write under the influence of rum should fall into the hands of the +police as early as possible. The police can handle them better than the +editor can. + +Do not try, Alfonso, to experiment in this way. Because Mr. Poe and Mr. +Prentice could write beautiful and witty things between drinks, do not, oh +do not imagine that you can begin that way and succeed at last. + +The effect of alcohol on the brain of an adult is to congest it finally. +Alcohol will sometimes congest the brain of an adult under the most trying +and discouraging circumstances. I have frequently known it to scorch out +and paralyze the brain in cases where other experiments had not been +successful in showing the presence of a brain at all. + +[Illustration: THINKING ABOUT THE POEM.] + +That is the reason why some people love to fool with this great chemical. +It revives their suspicions regarding the presence of a brain. + +The habits of literary men vary a good deal, for no two of them seem to +care to adopt the same plan. + +I have taken the liberty of showing here my own laboratory and methods of +thought. This is from a drawing made by myself, and represents the writer +in his study and in the act of thinking about a poem. + +Last summer I wrote a large poem entitled, “_Moanings of the Moist, +Malarious Sea._” I have it still. The back of it has a memoranda on it in +blue pencil from the leading editors of our broad land, but otherwise it +is just as I wrote it. + +The engraving represents me in the act of thinking about the poem, and +what I will do with the money when I get it. + +I am now preparing a poem entitled, “_The Umbrella_.” It is a dainty +little bit of verse, and my hired man thinks it is a gem. I called it “The +Umbrella” so that it would not be returned. + +By looking at the drawing you will see the rapid change of expression on +the face as the work goes on. + +I give the drawing in order also, to show the rich furniture of the room. +All poets do not revel in such gaudy trappings as I do, but I cannot write +well in a bare and ill-furnished room. In these apartments there is also a +window which does not show in the engraving. I have tried over and over +again to write a poem in a room that had no window in it, but I cannot say +that I ever wrote one under such circumstances that I thought would live. + +You can do as you think best about furnishing your room as I have mine. +You might, of course, succeed as well by writing in a plainer apartment, +but I could not. All my poetical work that was done in the cramped and +plainly furnished room that I formerly occupied over Knadler's livery +stable, was ephemeral. + +It got into a few of the leading autograph albums of the country, but it +never got into the papers. + +I would not use alcohol, however. Poe and Prentice could use it, but I +never could. After a long debauch, I could always work well enough on the +street but I could not do literary work. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REMARKS *** + +***** This file should be named 8220-0.txt or 8220-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/2/2/8220/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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