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Jerome + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Clocks, by Jerome K. Jerome + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Clocks + From a volume entitled "Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow" + +Author: Jerome K. Jerome + +Release Date: July 26, 2008 [EBook #855] +Last Updated: January 15, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CLOCKS *** + + + + +Produced by Ron Burkey, and Amy Thomte, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + CLOCKS + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Jerome K. Jerome + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Transcriber's Note: + </h4> + <p> + Hyphens have been left in the text only where it was the clear intention + of the author. For example, throughout the text, "tonight" and "tomorrow" + appear as "to-night" and "to-morrow". This is intentional, and is not + simply a legacy of words having been broken across lines in the printed + text. + </p> + <p> + The pound (currency) symbol has been replaced by the word "pounds". + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + CLOCKS. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + There are two kinds of clocks. There is the clock that is always wrong, + and that knows it is wrong, and glories in it; and there is the clock that + is always right—except when you rely upon it, and then it is more + wrong than you would think a clock <i>could</i> be in a civilized country. + </p> + <p> + I remember a clock of this latter type, that we had in the house when I + was a boy, routing us all up at three o'clock one winter's morning. We had + finished breakfast at ten minutes to four, and I got to school a little + after five, and sat down on the step outside and cried, because I thought + the world had come to an end; everything was so death-like! + </p> + <p> + The man who can live in the same house with one of these clocks, and not + endanger his chance of heaven about once a month by standing up and + telling it what he thinks of it, is either a dangerous rival to that old + established firm, Job, or else he does not know enough bad language to + make it worth his while to start saying anything at all. + </p> + <p> + The great dream of its life is to lure you on into trying to catch a train + by it. For weeks and weeks it will keep the most perfect time. If there + were any difference in time between that clock and the sun, you would be + convinced it was the sun, not the clock, that wanted seeing to. You feel + that if that clock happened to get a quarter of a second fast, or the + eighth of an instant slow, it would break its heart and die. + </p> + <p> + It is in this spirit of child-like faith in its integrity that, one + morning, you gather your family around you in the passage, kiss your + children, and afterward wipe your jammy mouth, poke your finger in the + baby's eye, promise not to forget to order the coals, wave at last fond + adieu with the umbrella, and depart for the railway-station. + </p> + <p> + I never have been quite able to decide, myself, which is the more + irritating to run two miles at the top of your speed, and then to find, + when you reach the station, that you are three-quarters of an hour too + early; or to stroll along leisurely the whole way, and dawdle about + outside the booking-office, talking to some local idiot, and then to + swagger carelessly on to the platform, just in time to see the train go + out! + </p> + <p> + As for the other class of clocks—the common or always-wrong clocks—they + are harmless enough. You wind them up at the proper intervals, and once or + twice a week you put them right and "regulate" them, as you call it (and + you might just as well try to "regulate" a London tom-cat). But you do all + this, not from any selfish motives, but from a sense of duty to the clock + itself. You want to feel that, whatever may happen, you have done the + right thing by it, and that no blame can attach to you. + </p> + <p> + So far as looking to it for any return is concerned, that you never dream + of doing, and consequently you are not disappointed. You ask what the time + is, and the girl replies: + </p> + <p> + "Well, the clock in the dining-room says a quarter past two." + </p> + <p> + But you are not deceived by this. You know that, as a matter of fact, it + must be somewhere between nine and ten in the evening; and, remembering + that you noticed, as a curious circumstance, that the clock was only forty + minutes past four, hours ago, you mildly admire its energies and + resources, and wonder how it does it. + </p> + <p> + I myself possess a clock that for complicated unconventionality and + light-hearted independence, could, I should think, give points to anything + yet discovered in the chronometrical line. As a mere time-piece, it leaves + much to be desired; but, considered as a self-acting conundrum, it is full + of interest and variety. + </p> + <p> + I heard of a man once who had a clock that he used to say was of no good + to any one except himself, because he was the only man who understood it. + He said it was an excellent clock, and one that you could thoroughly + depend upon; but you wanted to know it—to have studied its system. + An outsider might be easily misled by it. + </p> + <p> + "For instance," he would say, "when it strikes fifteen, and the hands + point to twenty minutes past eleven, I know it is a quarter to eight." + </p> + <p> + His acquaintanceship with that clock must certainly have given him an + advantage over the cursory observer! + </p> + <p> + But the great charm about my clock is its reliable uncertainty. It works + on no method whatever; it is a pure emotionalist. One day it will be quite + frolicsome, and gain three hours in the course of the morning, and think + nothing of it; and the next day it will wish it were dead, and be hardly + able to drag itself along, and lose two hours out of every four, and stop + altogether in the afternoon, too miserable to do anything; and then, + getting cheerful once more toward evening, will start off again of its own + accord. + </p> + <p> + I do not care to talk much about this clock; because when I tell the + simple truth concerning it, people think I am exaggerating. + </p> + <p> + It is very discouraging to find, when you are straining every nerve to + tell the truth, that people do not believe you, and fancy that you are + exaggerating. It makes you feel inclined to go and exaggerate on purpose, + just to show them the difference. I know I often feel tempted to do so + myself—it is my early training that saves me. + </p> + <p> + We should always be very careful never to give way to exaggeration; it is + a habit that grows upon one. + </p> + <p> + And it is such a vulgar habit, too. In the old times, when poets and + dry-goods salesmen were the only people who exaggerated, there was + something clever and <i>distingue</i> about a reputation for "a tendency + to over, rather than to under-estimate the mere bald facts." But everybody + exaggerates nowadays. The art of exaggeration is no longer regarded as an + "extra" in the modern bill of education; it is an essential requirement, + held to be most needful for the battle of life. + </p> + <p> + The whole world exaggerates. It exaggerates everything, from the yearly + number of bicycles sold to the yearly number of heathens converted—into + the hope of salvation and more whiskey. Exaggeration is the basis of our + trade, the fallow-field of our art and literature, the groundwork of our + social life, the foundation of our political existence. As schoolboys, we + exaggerate our fights and our marks and our fathers' debts. As men, we + exaggerate our wares, we exaggerate our feelings, we exaggerate our + incomes—except to the tax-collector, and to him we exaggerate our + "outgoings"; we exaggerate our virtues; we even exaggerate our vices, and, + being in reality the mildest of men, pretend we are dare-devil scamps. + </p> + <p> + We have sunk so low now that we try to <i>act</i> our exaggerations, and + to live up to our lies. We call it "keeping up appearances;" and no more + bitter phrase could, perhaps, have been invented to describe our childish + folly. + </p> + <p> + If we possess a hundred pounds a year, do we not call it two? Our larder + may be low and our grates be chill, but we are happy if the "world" (six + acquaintances and a prying neighbor) gives us credit for one hundred and + fifty. And, when we have five hundred, we talk of a thousand, and the + all-important and beloved "world" (sixteen friends now, and two of them + carriage-folks!) agree that we really must be spending seven hundred, or + at all events, running into debt up to that figure; but the butcher and + baker, who have gone into the matter with the housemaid, know better. + </p> + <p> + After awhile, having learned the trick, we launch out boldly and spend + like Indian Princes—or rather <i>seem</i> to spend; for we know, by + this time, how to purchase the seeming with the seeming, how to buy the + appearance of wealth with the appearance of cash. And the dear old world—Beelzebub + bless it! for it is his own child, sure enough; there is no mistaking the + likeness, it has all his funny little ways—gathers round, applauding + and laughing at the lie, and sharing in the cheat, and gloating over the + thought of the blow that it knows must sooner or later fall on us from the + Thor-like hammer of Truth. + </p> + <p> + And all goes merry as a witches' frolic—until the gray morning + dawns. + </p> + <p> + Truth and fact are old-fashioned and out-of-date, my friends, fit only for + the dull and vulgar to live by. Appearance, not reality, is what the + clever dog grasps at in these clever days. We spurn the dull-brown solid + earth; we build our lives and homes in the fair-seeming rainbow-land of + shadow and chimera. + </p> + <p> + To ourselves, sleeping and waking there, <i>behind</i> the rainbow, there + is no beauty in the house; only a chill damp mist in every room, and, over + all, a haunting fear of the hour when the gilded clouds will melt away, + and let us fall—somewhat heavily, no doubt—upon the hard world + underneath. + </p> + <p> + But, there! of what matter is <i>our</i> misery, <i>our</i> terror? To the + stranger, our home appears fair and bright. The workers in the fields + below look up and envy us our abode of glory and delight! If <i>they</i> + think it pleasant, surely <i>we</i> should be content. Have we not been + taught to live for others and not for ourselves, and are we not acting up + bravely to the teaching—in this most curious method? + </p> + <p> + Ah! yes, we are self-sacrificing enough, and loyal enough in our devotion + to this new-crowned king, the child of Prince Imposture and Princess + Pretense. Never before was despot so blindly worshiped! Never had earthly + sovereign yet such world-wide sway! + </p> + <p> + Man, if he would live, <i>must</i> worship. He looks around, and what to + him, within the vision of his life, is the greatest and the best, that he + falls down and does reverence to. To him whose eyes have opened on the + nineteenth century, what nobler image can the universe produce than the + figure of Falsehood in stolen robes? It is cunning and brazen and + hollow-hearted, and it realizes his souls ideal, and he falls and kisses + its feet, and clings to its skinny knees, swearing fealty to it for + evermore! + </p> + <p> + Ah! he is a mighty monarch, bladder-bodied King Humbug! Come, let us build + up temples of hewn shadows wherein we may adore him, safe from the light. + Let us raise him aloft upon our Brummagem shields. Long live our coward, + falsehearted chief!—fit leader for such soldiers as we! Long live + the Lord-of-Lies, anointed! Long live poor King Appearances, to whom all + mankind bows the knee! + </p> + <p> + But we must hold him aloft very carefully, oh, my brother warriors! He + needs much "keeping up." He has no bones and sinews of his own, the poor + old flimsy fellow! If we take our hands from him, he will fall a heap of + worn-out rags, and the angry wind will whirl him away, and leave us + forlorn. Oh, let us spend our lives keeping him up, and serving him, and + making him great—that is, evermore puffed out with air and + nothingness—until he burst, and we along with him! + </p> + <p> + Burst one day he must, as it is in the nature of bubbles to burst, + especially when they grow big. Meanwhile, he still reigns over us, and the + world grows more and more a world of pretense and exaggeration and lies; + and he who pretends and exaggerates and lies the most successfully, is the + greatest of us all. + </p> + <p> + The world is a gingerbread fair, and we all stand outside our booths and + point to the gorgeous-colored pictures, and beat the big drum and brag. + Brag! brag! Life is one great game of brag! + </p> + <p> + "Buy my soap, oh ye people, and ye will never look old, and the hair will + grow again on your bald places, and ye will never be poor or unhappy + again; and mine is the only true soap. Oh, beware of spurious imitations!" + </p> + <p> + "Buy my lotion, all ye that suffer from pains in the head, or the stomach, + or the feet, or that have broken arms, or broken hearts, or objectionable + mothers-in-law; and drink one bottle a day, and all your troubles will be + ended." + </p> + <p> + "Come to my church, all ye that want to go to Heaven, and buy my penny + weekly guide, and pay my pew-rates; and, pray ye, have nothing to do with + my misguided brother over the road. <i>This</i> is the only safe way!" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, vote for me, my noble and intelligent electors, and send our party + into power, and the world shall be a new place, and there shall be no sin + or sorrow any more! And each free and independent voter shall have a bran + new Utopia made on purpose for him, according to his own ideas, with a + good-sized, extra-unpleasant purgatory attached, to which he can send + everybody he does not like. Oh! do not miss this chance!" + </p> + <p> + Oh! listen to my philosophy, it is the best and deepest. Oh! hear my + songs, they are the sweetest. Oh! buy my pictures, they alone are true + art. Oh! read my books, they are the finest. + </p> + <p> + Oh! <i>I</i> am the greatest cheesemonger, <i>I</i> am the greatest + soldier, <i>I</i> am the greatest statesman, <i>I</i> am the greatest + poet, <i>I</i> am the greatest showman, <i>I</i> am the greatest + mountebank, <i>I</i> am the greatest editor, and <i>I</i> am the greatest + patriot. <i>We</i> are the greatest nation. <i>We</i> are the only good + people. <i>Ours</i> is the only true religion. Bah! how we all yell! + </p> + <p> + How we all brag and bounce, and beat the drum and shout; and nobody + believes a word we utter; and the people ask one another, saying: + </p> + <p> + "How can we tell who is the greatest and the cleverest among all these + shrieking braggarts?" + </p> + <p> + And they answer: + </p> + <p> + "There is none great or clever. The great and clever men are not here; + there is no place for them in this pandemonium of charlatans and quacks. + The men you see here are crowing cocks. We suppose the greatest and the + best of <i>them</i> are they who crow the loudest and the longest; that is + the only test of <i>their</i> merits." + </p> + <p> + Therefore, what is left for us to do, but to crow? And the best and + greatest of us all, is he who crows the loudest and the longest on this + little dunghill that we call our world! + </p> + <p> + Well, I was going to tell you about our clock. + </p> + <p> + It was my wife's idea, getting it, in the first instance. We had been to + dinner at the Buggles', and Buggles had just bought a clock—"picked + it up in Essex," was the way he described the transaction. Buggles is + always going about "picking up" things. He will stand before an old carved + bedstead, weighing about three tons, and say: + </p> + <p> + "Yes—pretty little thing! I picked it up in Holland;" as though he + had found it by the roadside, and slipped it into his umbrella when nobody + was looking! + </p> + <p> + Buggles was rather full of this clock. It was of the good old-fashioned + "grandfather" type. It stood eight feet high, in a carved-oak case, and + had a deep, sonorous, solemn tick, that made a pleasant accompaniment to + the after-dinner chat, and seemed to fill the room with an air of homely + dignity. + </p> + <p> + We discussed the clock, and Buggles said how he loved the sound of its + slow, grave tick; and how, when all the house was still, and he and it + were sitting up alone together, it seemed like some wise old friend + talking to him, and telling him about the old days and the old ways of + thought, and the old life and the old people. + </p> + <p> + The clock impressed my wife very much. She was very thoughtful all the way + home, and, as we went upstairs to our flat, she said, "Why could not we + have a clock like that?" She said it would seem like having some one in + the house to take care of us all—she should fancy it was looking + after baby! + </p> + <p> + I have a man in Northamptonshire from whom I buy old furniture now and + then, and to him I applied. He answered by return to say that he had got + exactly the very thing I wanted. (He always has. I am very lucky in this + respect.) It was the quaintest and most old-fashioned clock he had come + across for a long while, and he enclosed photograph and full particulars; + should he send it up? + </p> + <p> + From the photograph and the particulars, it seemed, as he said, the very + thing, and I told him, "Yes; send it up at once." + </p> + <p> + Three days afterward, there came a knock at the door—there had been + other knocks at the door before this, of course; but I am dealing merely + with the history of the clock. The girl said a couple of men were outside, + and wanted to see me, and I went to them. + </p> + <p> + I found they were Pickford's carriers, and glancing at the way-bill, I saw + that it was my clock that they had brought, and I said, airily, "Oh, yes, + it's quite right; bring it up!" + </p> + <p> + They said they were very sorry, but that was just the difficulty. They + could not get it up. + </p> + <p> + I went down with them, and wedged securely across the second landing of + the staircase, I found a box which I should have judged to be the original + case in which Cleopatra's Needle came over. + </p> + <p> + They said that was my clock. + </p> + <p> + I brought down a chopper and a crowbar, and we sent out and collected in + two extra hired ruffians and the five of us worked away for half an hour + and got the clock out; after which the traffic up and down the staircase + was resumed, much to the satisfaction of the other tenants. + </p> + <p> + We then got the clock upstairs and put it together, and I fixed it in the + corner of the dining-room. + </p> + <p> + At first it exhibited a strong desire to topple over and fall on people, + but by the liberal use of nails and screws and bits of firewood, I made + life in the same room with it possible, and then, being exhausted, I had + my wounds dressed, and went to bed. + </p> + <p> + In the middle of the night my wife woke me up in a great state of alarm, + to say that the clock had just struck thirteen, and who did I think was + going to die? + </p> + <p> + I said I did not know, but hoped it might be the next-door dog. + </p> + <p> + My wife said she had a presentiment it meant baby. There was no comforting + her; she cried herself to sleep again. + </p> + <p> + During the course of the morning, I succeeded in persuading her that she + must have made a mistake, and she consented to smile once more. In the + afternoon the clock struck thirteen again. + </p> + <p> + This renewed all her fears. She was convinced now that both baby and I + were doomed, and that she would be left a childless widow. I tried to + treat the matter as a joke, and this only made her more wretched. She said + that she could see I really felt as she did, and was only pretending to be + light-hearted for her sake, and she said she would try and bear it + bravely. + </p> + <p> + The person she chiefly blamed was Buggles. + </p> + <p> + In the night the clock gave us another warning, and my wife accepted it + for her Aunt Maria, and seemed resigned. She wished, however, that I had + never had the clock, and wondered when, if ever, I should get cured of my + absurd craze for filling the house with tomfoolery. + </p> + <p> + The next day the clock struck thirteen four times and this cheered her up. + She said that if we were all going to die, it did not so much matter. Most + likely there was a fever or a plague coming, and we should all be taken + together. + </p> + <p> + She was quite light-hearted over it! + </p> + <p> + After that the clock went on and killed every friend and relation we had, + and then it started on the neighbors. + </p> + <p> + It struck thirteen all day long for months, until we were sick of + slaughter, and there could not have been a human being left alive for + miles around. + </p> + <p> + Then it turned over a new leaf, and gave up murdering folks, and took to + striking mere harmless thirty-nines and forty-ones. Its favorite number + now is thirty-two, but once a day it strikes forty-nine. It never strikes + more than forty-nine. I don't know why—I have never been able to + understand why—but it doesn't. + </p> + <p> + It does not strike at regular intervals, but when it feels it wants to and + would be better for it. Sometimes it strikes three or four times within + the same hour, and at other times it will go for half-a-day without + striking at all. + </p> + <p> + He is an odd old fellow! + </p> + <p> + I have thought now and then of having him "seen to," and made to keep + regular hours and be respectable; but, somehow, I seem to have grown to + love him as he is with his daring mockery of Time. + </p> + <p> + He certainly has not much respect for it. He seems to go out of his way + almost to openly insult it. He calls half-past two thirty-eight o'clock, + and in twenty minutes from then he says it is one! + </p> + <p> + Is it that he really has grown to feel contempt for his master, and wishes + to show it? They say no man is a hero to his valet; may it be that even + stony-face Time himself is but a short-lived, puny mortal—a little + greater than some others, that is all—to the dim eyes of this old + servant of his? Has he, ticking, ticking, all these years, come at last to + see into the littleness of that Time that looms so great to our awed human + eyes? + </p> + <p> + Is he saying, as he grimly laughs, and strikes his thirty-fives and + forties: "Bah! I know you, Time, godlike and dread though you seem. What + are you but a phantom—a dream—like the rest of us here? Ay, + less, for you will pass away and be no more. Fear him not, immortal men. + Time is but the shadow of the world upon the background of Eternity!" + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Clocks, by Jerome K. 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