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@@ -0,0 +1,1002 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Evergreens, by Jerome K. Jerome + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Evergreens + From a volume entitled "Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow" + +Author: Jerome K. Jerome + +Posting Date: July 26, 2008 [EBook #857] +Release Date: March 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERGREENS *** + + + + +Produced by Ron Burkey, and Amy Thomte + + + + + +EVERGREENS + +By Jerome K. Jerome + + +They look so dull and dowdy in the spring weather, when the snow drops +and the crocuses are putting on their dainty frocks of white and mauve +and yellow, and the baby-buds from every branch are peeping with bright +eyes out on the world, and stretching forth soft little leaves toward +the coming gladness of their lives. They stand apart, so cold and hard +amid the stirring hope and joy that are throbbing all around them. + +And in the deep full summer-time, when all the rest of nature dons its +richest garb of green, and the roses clamber round the porch, and +the grass waves waist-high in the meadow, and the fields are gay with +flowers--they seem duller and dowdier than ever then, wearing their +faded winter's dress, looking so dingy and old and worn. + +In the mellow days of autumn, when the trees, like dames no longer +young, seek to forget their aged looks under gorgeous bright-toned robes +of gold and brown and purple, and the grain is yellow in the fields, +and the ruddy fruit hangs clustering from the drooping boughs, and the +wooded hills in their thousand hues stretched like leafy rainbows above +the vale--ah! surely they look their dullest and dowdiest then. The +gathered glory of the dying year is all around them. They seem so out of +place among it, in their somber, everlasting green, like poor relations +at a rich man's feast. It is such a weather-beaten old green dress. So +many summers' suns have blistered it, so many winters' rains have beat +upon it--such a shabby, mean, old dress; it is the only one they have! + +They do not look quite so bad when the weary winter weather is come, +when the flowers are dead, and the hedgerows are bare, and the trees +stand out leafless against the gray sky, and the birds are all silent, +and the fields are brown, and the vine clings round the cottages with +skinny, fleshless arms, and they alone of all things are unchanged, they +alone of all the forest are green, they alone of all the verdant host +stand firm to front the cruel winter. + +They are not very beautiful, only strong and stanch and steadfast--the +same in all times, through all seasons--ever the same, ever green. The +spring cannot brighten them, the summer cannot scorch them, the autumn +cannot wither them, the winter cannot kill them. + +There are evergreen men and women in the world, praise be to God! Not +many of them, but a few. They are not the showy folk; they are not the +clever, attractive folk. (Nature is an old-fashioned shopkeeper; she +never puts her best goods in the window.) They are only the quiet, +strong folk; they are stronger than the world, stronger than life or +death, stronger than Fate. The storms of life sweep over them, and the +rains beat down upon them, and the biting frosts creep round them; but +the winds and the rains and the frosts pass away, and they are still +standing, green and straight. They love the sunshine of life in their +undemonstrative way--its pleasures, its joys. But calamity cannot bow +them, sorrow and affliction bring not despair to their serene faces, +only a little tightening of the lips; the sun of our prosperity makes +the green of their friendship no brighter, the frost of our adversity +kills not the leaves of their affection. + +Let us lay hold of such men and women; let us grapple them to us with +hooks of steel; let us cling to them as we would to rocks in a tossing +sea. We do not think very much of them in the summertime of life. They +do not flatter us or gush over us. They do not always agree with us. +They are not always the most delightful society, by any means. They are +not good talkers, nor--which would do just as well, perhaps better--do +they make enraptured listeners. They have awkward manners, and very +little tact. They do not shine to advantage beside our society friends. +They do not dress well; they look altogether somewhat dowdy and +commonplace. We almost hope they will not see us when we meet them +just outside the club. They are not the sort of people we want to +ostentatiously greet in crowded places. It is not till the days of our +need that we learn to love and know them. It is not till the winter that +the birds see the wisdom of building their nests in the evergreen trees. + +And we, in our spring-time folly of youth, pass them by with a sneer, +the uninteresting, colorless evergreens, and, like silly children with +nothing but eyes in their heads, stretch out our hands and cry for the +pretty flowers. We will make our little garden of life such a charming, +fairy-like spot, the envy of every passer-by! There shall nothing grow +in it but lilies and roses, and the cottage we will cover all over with +Virginia-creeper. And, oh, how sweet it will look, under the dancing +summer sun-light, when the soft west breeze is blowing! + +And, oh, how we shall stand and shiver there when the rain and the east +wind come! + +Oh, you foolish, foolish little maidens, with your dainty heads so full +of unwisdom! how often--oh! how often, are you to be warned that it is +not always the sweetest thing in lovers that is the best material to +make a good-wearing husband out of? "The lover sighing like a furnace" +will not go on sighing like a furnace forever. That furnace will go out. +He will become the husband, "full of strange oaths--jealous in honor, +sudden and quick in quarrel," and grow "into the lean and slipper'd +pantaloon." How will he wear? There will be no changing him if he does +not suit, no sending him back to be altered, no having him let out a bit +where he is too tight and hurts you, no having him taken in where he is +too loose, no laying him by when the cold comes, to wrap yourself up in +something warmer. As he is when you select him, so he will have to last +you all your life--through all changes, through all seasons. + +Yes, he looks very pretty now--handsome pattern, if the colors are fast +and it does not fade--feels soft and warm to the touch. How will he +stand the world's rough weather? How will he stand life's wear and tear? + +He looks so manly and brave. His hair curls so divinely. He dresses so +well (I wonder if the tailor's bill is paid?) He kisses your hand so +gracefully. He calls you such pretty names. His arm feels so strong a +round you. His fine eyes are so full of tenderness as they gaze down +into yours. + +Will he kiss your hand when it is wrinkled and old? Will he call you +pretty names when the baby is crying in the night, and you cannot keep +it quiet--or, better still, will he sit up and take a turn with it? Will +his arm be strong around you in the days of trouble? Will his eyes shine +above you full of tenderness when yours are growing dim? + +And you boys, you silly boys! what materials for a wife do you think you +will get out of the empty-headed coquettes you are raving and tearing +your hair about. Oh! yes, she is very handsome, and she dresses with +exquisite taste (the result of devoting the whole of her heart, mind and +soul to the subject, and never allowing her thoughts to be distracted +from it by any other mundane or celestial object whatsoever); and she +is very agreeable and entertaining and fascinating; and she will go +on looking handsome, and dressing exquisitely, and being agreeable and +entertaining and fascinating just as much after you have married her as +before--more so, if anything. + +But _you_ will not get the benefit of it. Husbands will be charmed and +fascinated by her in plenty, but _you_ will not be among them. You +will run the show, you will pay all the expenses, do all the work. Your +performing lady will be most affable and enchanting to the crowd. They +will stare at her, and admire her, and talk to her, and flirt with her. +And you will be able to feel that you are quite a benefactor to your +fellow-men and women--to your fellow-men especially--in providing such +delightful amusement for them, free. But _you_ will not get any of the +fun yourself. + +You will not get the handsome looks. _You_ will get the jaded face, and +the dull, lusterless eyes, and the untidy hair with the dye showing on +it. You will not get the exquisite dresses. _You_ will get dirty, +shabby frocks and slommicking dressing-gowns, such as your cook would +be ashamed to wear. _You_ will not get the charm and fascination. _You_ +will get the after-headaches, the complainings and grumblings, the +silence and sulkiness, the weariness and lassitude and ill-temper that +comes as such a relief after working hard all day at being pleasant! + +It is not the people who shine in society, but the people who brighten +up the back parlor; not the people who are charming when they are out, +but the people who are charming when they are in, that are good to +_live_ with. It is not the brilliant men and women, but the simple, +strong, restful men and women, that make the best traveling companions +for the road of life. The men and women who will only laugh as they +put up the umbrella when the rain begins to fall, who will trudge along +cheerfully through the mud and over the stony places--the comrades who +will lay their firm hand on ours and strengthen us when the way is dark +and we are growing weak--the evergreen men and women, who, like +the holly, are at their brightest and best when the blast blows +chilliest--the stanch men and women! + +It is a grand thing this stanchness. It is the difference between a dog +and a sheep--between a man and an oyster. + +Women, as a rule, are stancher than men. There are women that you feel +you could rely upon to the death. But very few men indeed have this +dog-like virtue. Men, taking them generally, are more like cats. You may +live with them and call them yours for twenty years, but you can never +feel _quite_ sure of them. You never know exactly what they are thinking +of. You never feel easy in your mind as to the result of the next-door +neighbor's laying down a Brussels carpet in his kitchen. + +We have no school for the turning-out of stanch men in this nineteenth +century. In the old, earnest times, war made men stanch and true to each +other. We have learned up a good many glib phrases about the wickedness +of war, and we thank God that we live in these peaceful, trading times, +wherein we can--and do--devote the whole of our thoughts and energies to +robbing and cheating and swindling one another--to "doing" our friends, +and overcoming our enemies by trickery and lies--wherein, undisturbed by +the wicked ways of fighting-men, we can cultivate to better perfection +the "smartness," the craft, and the cunning, and all the other +"business-like" virtues on which we so pride ourselves, and which were +so neglected and treated with so little respect in the bad old age of +violence, when men chose lions and eagles for their symbols rather than +foxes. + +There is a good deal to be said against war. I am not prepared to +maintain that war did not bring with it disadvantages, but there can be +no doubt that, for the noblest work of Nature--the making of men--it +was a splendid manufactory. It taught men courage. It trained them in +promptness and determination, in strength of brain and strength of hand. +From its stern lessons they learned fortitude in suffering, coolness in +danger, cheerfulness under reverses. Chivalry, Reverence, and Loyalty +are the beautiful children of ugly War. But, above all gifts, the +greatest gift it gave to men was stanchness. + +It first taught men to be true to one another; to be true to their duty, +true to their post; to be in all things faithful, even unto death. + +The martyrs that died at the stake; the explorers that fought with +Nature and opened up the world for us; the reformers (they had to do +something more than talk in those days) who won for us our liberties; +the men who gave their lives to science and art, when science and art +brought, not as now, fame and fortune, but shame and penury--they +sprang from the loins of the rugged men who had learned, on many a grim +battlefield, to laugh at pain and death, who had had it hammered into +them, with many a hard blow, that the whole duty of a man in this world +is to be true to his trust, and fear not. + +Do you remember the story of the old Viking who had been converted +to Christianity, and who, just as they were about, with much joy, to +baptize him, paused and asked: "But what--if this, as you tell me, is +the only way to the true Valhalla--what has become of my comrades, my +friends who are dead, who died in the old faith--where are they?" + +The priests, confused, replied there could be no doubt those unfortunate +folk had gone to a place they would rather not mention. + +"Then," said the old warrior, stepping back, "I will not be baptized. I +will go along with my own people." + +He had lived with them, fought beside them; they were his people. He +would stand by them to the end--of eternity. Most assuredly, a very +shocking old Viking! But I think it might be worth while giving up our +civilization and our culture to get back to the days when they made men +like that. + +The only reminder of such times that we have left us now, is the +bull-dog; and he is fast dying out--the pity of it! What a splendid old +dog he is! so grim, so silent, so stanch; so terrible, when he has got +his idea, of his duty clear before him; so absurdly meek, when it is +only himself that is concerned. + +He is the gentlest, too, and the most lovable of all dogs. He does not +look it. The sweetness of his disposition would not strike the casual +observer at first glance. He resembles the gentleman spoken of in the +oft-quoted stanza: + + 'E's all right when yer knows 'im. + But yer've got to know 'im fust. + +The first time I ever met a bull-dog--to speak to, that is--was many +years ago. We were lodging down in the country, an orphan friend of +mine named George, and myself, and one night, coming home late from some +dissolving views we found the family had gone to bed. They had left a +light in our room, however, and we went in and sat down, and began to +take off our boots. + +And then, for the first time, we noticed on the hearthrug a bull-dog. +A dog with a more thoughtfully ferocious expression--a dog with, +apparently, a heart more dead to all ennobling and civilizing +sentiments--I have never seen. As George said, he looked more like some +heathen idol than a happy English dog. + +He appeared to have been waiting for us; and he rose up and greeted us +with a ghastly grin, and got between us and the door. + +We smiled at him--a sickly, propitiatory smile. We said, "Good dog--poor +fellow!" and we asked him, in tones implying that the question could +admit of no negative, if he was not a "nice old chap." We did not really +think so. We had our own private opinion concerning him, and it was +unfavorable. But we did not express it. We would not have hurt his +feelings for the world. He was a visitor, our guest, so to speak--and, +as well-brought-up young men, we felt that the right thing to do was for +us to prevent his gaining any hint that we were not glad to see him, and +to make him feel as little as possible the awkwardness of his position. + +I think we succeeded. He was singularly unembarrassed, and far more at +his ease than even we were. He took but little notice of our flattering +remarks, but was much drawn toward George's legs. George used to be, +I remember, rather proud of his legs. I could never see enough in them +myself to excuse George's vanity; indeed, they always struck me +as lumpy. It is only fair to acknowledge, however, that they quite +fascinated that bull-dog. He walked over and criticized them with the +air of a long-baffled connoisseur who had at last found his ideal. At +the termination of his inspection he distinctly smiled. + +George, who at that time was modest and bashful, blushed and drew them +up on to the chair. On the dog's displaying a desire to follow them, +George moved up on to the table, and squatted there in the middle, +nursing his knees. George's legs being lost to him, the dog appeared +inclined to console himself with mine. I went and sat beside George on +the table. + +Sitting with your feet drawn up in front of you, on a small and rickety +one-legged table, is a most trying exercise, especially if you are not +used to it. George and I both felt our position keenly. We did not like +to call out for help, and bring the family down. We were proud young +men, and we feared lest, to the unsympathetic eye of the comparative +stranger, the spectacle we should present might not prove imposing. + +We sat on in silence for about half an hour, the dog keeping a +reproachful eye upon us from the nearest chair, and displaying +elephantine delight whenever we made any movement suggestive of climbing +down. + +At the end of the half hour we discussed the advisability of "chancing +it," but decided not to. "We should never," George said, "confound +foolhardiness with courage." + +"Courage," he continued--George had quite a gift for maxims--"courage is +the wisdom of manhood; foolhardiness, the folly of youth." + +He said that to get down from the table while that dog remained in the +room, would clearly prove us to be possessed of the latter quality; so +we restrained ourselves, and sat on. + +We sat on for over an hour, by which time, having both grown careless +of life and indifferent to the voice of Wisdom, we did "chance it;" and +throwing the table-cloth over our would-be murderer, charged for the +door and got out. + +The next morning we complained to our landlady of her carelessness in +leaving wild beasts about the place, and we gave her a brief if not +exactly truthful, history of the business. + +Instead of the tender womanly sympathy we had expected, the old lady sat +down in the easy chair and burst out laughing. + +"What! old Boozer," she exclaimed, "you was afraid of old Boozer! Why, +bless you, he wouldn't hurt a worm! He ain't got a tooth in his head, +he ain't; we has to feed him with a spoon; and I'm sure the way the cat +chivies him about must be enough to make his life a burden to him. I +expect he wanted you to nurse him; he's used to being nursed." + +And that was the brute that had kept us sitting on a table, with our +boots off, for over an hour on a chilly night! + +Another bull-dog exhibition that occurs to me was one given by my uncle. +He had had a bulldog--a young one--given to him by a friend. It was a +grand dog, so his friend had told him; all it wanted was training--it +had not been properly trained. My uncle did not profess to know much +about the training of bull-dogs; but it seemed a simple enough matter, +so he thanked the man, and took his prize home at the end of a rope. + +"Have we got to live in the house with _this?_" asked my aunt, +indignantly, coming in to the room about an hour after the dog's advent, +followed by the quadruped himself, wearing an idiotically self-satisfied +air. + +"That!" exclaimed my uncle, in astonishment; "why, it's a splendid dog. +His father was honorably mentioned only last year at the Aquarium." + +"Ah, well, all I can say is, that his son isn't going the way to +get honorably mentioned in this neighborhood," replied my aunt, with +bitterness; "he's just finished killing poor Mrs. McSlanger's cat, if +you want to know what he has been doing. And a pretty row there'll be +about it, too!" + +"Can't we hush it up?" said my uncle. + +"Hush it up?" retorted my aunt. "If you'd heard the row, you wouldn't +sit there and talk like a fool. And if you'll take my advice," added my +aunt, "you'll set to work on this 'training,' or whatever it is, that +has got to be done to the dog, before any human life is lost." + +My uncle was too busy to devote any time to the dog for the next day or +so, and all that could be done was to keep the animal carefully confined +to the house. + +And a nice time we had with him! It was not that the animal was +bad-hearted. He meant well--he tried to do his duty. What was wrong +with him was that he was too hard-working. He wanted to do too much. He +started with an exaggerated and totally erroneous notion of his duties +and responsibilities. His idea was that he had been brought into the +house for the purpose of preventing any living human soul from coming +near it and of preventing any person who might by chance have managed to +slip in from ever again leaving it. + +We endeavored to induce him to take a less exalted view of his position, +but in vain. That was the conception he had formed in his own mind +concerning his earthly task, and that conception he insisted on living +up to with, what appeared to us to be, unnecessary conscientiousness. + +He so effectually frightened away all the trades people, that they at +last refused to enter the gate. All that they would do was to bring +their goods and drop them over the fence into the front garden, from +where we had to go and fetch them as we wanted them. + +"I wish you'd run into the garden," my aunt would say to me--I was +stopping with them at the time--"and see if you can find any sugar; I +think there's some under the big rose-bush. If not, you'd better go to +Jones' and order some." + +And on the cook's inquiring what she should get ready for lunch, my aunt +would say: + +"Well, I'm sure, Jane, I hardly know. What have we? Are there any chops +in the garden, or was it a bit of steak that I noticed on the lawn?" + +On the second afternoon the plumbers came to do a little job to the +kitchen boiler. The dog, being engaged at the time in the front of the +house, driving away the postman, did not notice their arrival. He +was broken-hearted at finding them there when he got downstairs, and +evidently blamed himself most bitterly. Still, there they were, all +owing to his carelessness, and the only thing to be done now was to see +that they did not escape. + +There were three plumbers (it always takes three plumbers to do a job; +the first man comes on ahead to tell you that the second man will be +there soon, the second man comes to say that he can't stop, and the +third man follows to ask if the first man has been there); and that +faithful, dumb animal kept them pinned up in the kitchen--fancy wanting +to keep plumbers in a house longer than is absolutely necessary!--for +five hours, until my uncle came home; and the bill ran: "Self and two +men engaged six hours, repairing boiler-tap, 18s.; material, 2d.; total +18s. 2d." + +He took a dislike to the cook from the very first. We did not blame him +for this. She was a disagreeable old woman, and we did not think much +of her ourselves. But when it came to keeping her out of the kitchen, +so that she could not do her work, and my aunt and uncle had to cook the +dinner themselves, assisted by the housemaid--a willing-enough girl, but +necessarily inexperienced--we felt that the woman was being subject to +persecution. + +My uncle, after this, decided that the dog's training must be no longer +neglected. The man next door but one always talked as if he knew a lot +about sporting matters, and to him my uncle went for advice as to how to +set about it. + +"Oh, yes," said the man, cheerfully, "very simple thing, training a +bull-dog. Wants patience, that's all." + +"Oh, that will be all right," said my uncle; "it can't want much more +than living in the same house with him before he's trained does. How do +you start?" + +"Well, I'll tell you," said next-door-but-one. "You take him up into a +room where there's not much furniture, and you shut the door and bolt +it." + +"I see," said my uncle. + +"Then you place him on the floor in the middle of the room, and you go +down on your knees in front of him, and begin to irritate him." + +"Oh!" + +"Yes--and you go on irritating him until you have made him quite +savage." + +"Which, from what I know of the dog, won't take long," observed my uncle +thoughtfully. + +"So much the better. The moment he gets savage he will fly at you." + +My uncle agreed that the idea seemed plausible. + +"He will fly at your throat," continued the next-door-but-one man, "and +this is where you will have to be careful. _As_ he springs toward you, +and _before_ he gets hold of you, you must hit him a fair straight blow +on his nose, and knock him down." + +"Yes, I see what you mean." + +"Quite so--well, the moment you have knocked him down, he will jump up +and go for you again. You must knock him down again; and you must keep +on doing this, until the dog is thoroughly cowed and exhausted. Once he +is thoroughly cowed, the thing's done--dog's as gentle as a lamb after +that." + +"Oh!" says my uncle, rising from his chair, "you think that a good way, +do you?" + +"Certainly," replied the next-door-but-one man; "it never fails." + +"Oh! I wasn't doubting it," said my uncle; "only it's just occurred to +me that as you understand the knack of these things, perhaps _you'd_ +like to come in and try _your_ hand on the dog? We can give you a +room quite to yourselves; and I'll undertake that nobody comes near to +interfere with you. And if--if," continued my uncle, with that kindly +thoughtfulness which ever distinguished his treatment of others, "_if_, +by any chance, you should miss hitting the dog at the proper critical +moment, or, if _you_ should get cowed and exhausted first, instead of +the dog--why, I shall only be too pleased to take the whole burden of +the funeral expenses on my own shoulders; and I hope you know me well +enough to feel sure that the arrangements will be tasteful, and, at the +same time, unostentatious!" + +And out my uncle walked. + +We next consulted the butcher, who agreed that the prize-ring method was +absurd, especially when recommended to a short-winded, elderly family +man, and who recommended, instead, plenty of out-door exercise for the +dog, under my uncle's strict supervision and control. + +"Get a fairly long chain for him," said the butcher, "and take him out +for a good stiff run every evening. Never let him get away from you; +make him mind you, and bring him home always thoroughly exhausted. You +stick to that for a month or two, regular, and you'll have him like a +little child." + +"Um!--seems to me that I'm going to get more training over his job than +anybody else," muttered my uncle, as he thanked the man and left the +shop; "but I suppose it's got to be done. Wish I'd never had the d--- +dog now!" + +So, religiously, every evening, my uncle would fasten a long chain to +that poor dog, and drag him away from his happy home with the idea of +exhausting him; and the dog would come back as fresh as paint, my uncle +behind him, panting and clamoring for brandy. + +My uncle said he should never have dreamed there could have been such +stirring times in this prosaic nineteenth century as he had, training +that dog. + +Oh, the wild, wild scamperings over the breezy common--the dog trying to +catch a swallow, and my uncle, unable to hold him back, following at the +other end of the chain! + +Oh, the merry frolics in the fields, when the dog wanted to kill a cow, +and the cow wanted to kill the dog, and they each dodged round my uncle, +trying to do it! + +And, oh, the pleasant chats with the old ladies when the dog wound the +chain into a knot around their legs, and upset them, and my uncle had to +sit down in the road beside them, and untie them before they could get +up again! + +But a crisis came at last. It was a Saturday afternoon--uncle being +exercised by dog in usual way--nervous children playing in road, see +dog, scream, and run--playful young dog thinks it a game, jerks chain +out of uncle's grasp, and flies after them--uncle flies after dog, +calling it names--fond parent in front garden, seeing beloved children +chased by savage dog, followed by careless owner, flies after uncle, +calling _him_ names--householders come to doors and cry, "Shame!"--also +throw things at dog--things don't hit dog, hit uncle--things that don't +hit uncle, hit fond parent--through the village and up the hill, over +the bridge and round by the green--grand run, mile and a half without a +break! Children sink exhausted--dog gambols up among them--children go +into fits--fond parent and uncle come up together, both breathless. + +"Why don't you call your dog off, you wicked old man?" + +"Because I can't recollect his name, you old fool, you!" + +Fond parent accuses uncle of having set dog on--uncle, indignant, +reviles fond parent--exasperated fond parent attacks uncle--uncle +retaliates with umbrella--faithful dog comes to assistance of uncle, +and inflicts great injury on fond parent--arrival of police--dog attacks +police--uncle and fond parent both taken into custody--uncle fined five +pounds and costs for keeping a ferocious dog at large--uncle fined five +pounds and costs for assault on fond parent--uncle fined five pounds and +cost for assault on police! + +My uncle gave the dog away soon after that. He did not waste him. He +gave him as a wedding-present to a near relation. + +But the saddest story I ever heard in connection with a bull-dog, was +one told by my aunt herself. + +Now you can rely upon this story, because it is not one of mine, it is +one of my aunt's, and she would scorn to tell a lie. This is a story +you could tell to the heathen, and feel that you were teaching them +the truth and doing them good. They give this story out at all the +Sunday-schools in our part of the country, and draw moral lessons from +it. It is a story that a little child can believe. + +It happened in the old crinoline days. My aunt, who was then living in a +country-town, had gone out shopping one morning, and was standing in the +High Street, talking to a lady friend, a Mrs. Gumworthy, the doctor's +wife. She (my aunt) had on a new crinoline that morning, in which, +to use her own expression, she rather fancied herself. It was +a tremendously big one, as stiff as a wire-fence; and it "set" +beautifully. + +They were standing in front of Jenkins', the draper's; and my aunt +thinks that it--the crinoline--must have got caught up in something, +and an opening thus left between it and the ground. However this may +be, certain it is that an absurdly large and powerful bull-dog, who was +fooling round about there at the time, managed, somehow or other, to +squirm in under my aunt's crinoline, and effectually imprison himself +beneath it. + +Finding himself suddenly in a dark and gloomy chamber, the dog, +naturally enough, got frightened, and made frantic rushes to get out. +But whichever way he charged; there was the crinoline in front of +him. As he flew, he, of course, carried it before him, and with the +crinoline, of course, went my aunt. + +But nobody knew the explanation. My aunt herself did not know what had +happened. Nobody had seen the dog creep inside the crinoline. All that +the people did see was a staid and eminently respectable middle-aged +lady suddenly, and without any apparent reason, throw her umbrella down +in the road, fly up the High Street at the rate of ten miles an hour, +rush across it at the imminent risk of her life, dart down it again on +the other side, rush sideways, like an excited crab, into a +grocer's shop, run three times round the shop, upsetting the whole +stock-in-trade, come out of the shop backward and knock down a postman, +dash into the roadway and spin round twice, hover for a moment, +undecided, on the curb, and then away up the hill again, as if she had +only just started, all the while screaming out at the top of her voice +for somebody to stop her! + +Of course, everybody thought she was mad. The people flew before her +like chaff before the wind. In less than five seconds the High Street +was a desert. The townsfolk scampered into their shops and houses and +barricaded the doors. Brave men dashed out and caught up little children +and bore them to places of safety amid cheers. Carts and carriages were +abandoned, while the drivers climbed up lamp-posts! + +What would have happened had the affair gone on much longer--whether my +aunt would have been shot, or the fire-engine brought into requisition +against her--it is impossible, having regard to the terrified state of +the crowd, to say. Fortunately for her, she became exhausted. With +one despairing shriek she gave way, and sat down on the dog; and peace +reigned once again in that sweet rural town. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Evergreens, by Jerome K. 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