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diff --git a/9544-h/9544-h.htm b/9544-h/9544-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1da2b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/9544-h/9544-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +img {border: 0;} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, +June 4, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, Saturday, June 4, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9544] +Release Date: December, 2005 +First Posted: October 7, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 10</h1> + +<br><hr><br> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="cover.jpg (298K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="1166" width="803"> +<br><br> +</center> + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="01.jpg (234K)" src="images/01.jpg" height="1120" width="763"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<center> +<h1>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. I, Issue 10</h1> + +<h2>SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1870.</h2> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY THE</h4> + +<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + +<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.</h3> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="02.jpg (260K)" src="images/02.jpg" height="694" width="897"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>A CONSISTENT LEAGUE.</h2> + +<p>Immediately upon McFarland's acquittal, the Union League of Philadelphia +determined to give a grand ball. And they did it. And, what is more, +they intend to do it every time the majesty of any kind of Union is +vindicated. Except, of course, the union of the "Iron interest" and the +public good.</p> + +<p>One of the most valuable and instructive features of this ball was, the +grand opportunity it offered to the members of the League to show their +respect and affection for the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment, +Accordingly, they invited a large number of colored ladies and +gentlemen, and the accursed spirit of caste was completely exorcised by +the exercises of the evening. The halls were grandly decorated with +blackberry and gooseberry bushes, and other rare plants; sumptuous +fountains squirted high great streams of XX ale and gin-and-milk; +enormous piles of panned oysters, lobster salad, Charlotte Russe, and +rice-pudding blocked up half the doorways, while within the dancing hall +the merriment was kept up grandly. The ball was opened by a grand +Cross-match waltz in which Hon. MORTON MCMICHAEL and Mrs. DINAH J--N; +GEORGE H. BOKER and Miss CHLOE P--T--N; WILLIAM D. KELLEY and Aunty Di. +LU-V-I-A-N; A. BORIE and Miss E. G--N; Gen. TYNDALE and Miss MAY OR--TY, +and several other distinguished couples twirled their fantastic toes in +the most reckless <i>abandon</i>. Virginia reels, Ole Kentucky break-downs, +and other characteristic dances diversified the ordinary Terpsichorean +programme, and the dancing was kept up to a late hour. It was truly +gratifying to every consistent supporter of the enfranchisement of the +African race, to see such gentlemen as <i>Senator</i> REVELS, FREDERICK +DOUGLASS, Mr. PURVIS, and other prominent colored citizens, in the halls +of this patriotic and thoroughly American Society. The members of the +League were evidently of the opinion that it would be a most flagrant +shame, on an occasion of this kind, for them to deny to their colored +fellow citizens the rights and privileges that they are so anxious shall +be accorded them by every one else; and, while they do not believe that +they are bound to invite any one--black or white--to their private +reunions on account of political considerations, they do not attempt to +deny that, on an occasion of this kind--a celebration in fact of the +success of a political party--it would be most shameful to ostracize the +very citizens for whom that party labored and conquered. Therefore it +was that they so warmly welcomed, within their gorgeous halls, their +colored fellow-citizens, and by so doing won for themselves the +approbation of every consistent American. It was one of the most +affecting sights of the evening to see these gentlemen of the League, +nobly trampling under their feet all base considerations of color and +caste, and walking arm and arm with their colored sisters; smelling the +exotics; admiring the groups of statuary; sipping the coffee and the +punch; pricing the crimson curtains; inhaling the perfumes from the +cologne-water fountains; ascending and descending the grand walnut +staircase (arranged for this occasion only); listening to the birds in +the conservatories; and fixing their hair in the magnificent +dressing-rooms. When, in the midst of the festivities the band struck up +the beautiful air, "Ask me no more!" the honored guests of color looked +at each other with pleasant smiles which seemed to denote a perfect +satisfaction. And so, whatever may be said of the friends of the colored +race in other parts of the country, it must be universally admitted that +the Union League of Philadelphia has done its duty!</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Good Reading for Topers.</p> + +<p>MR. GREELEY's "Recollections of a Boozy Life."</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Sporting Intelligence.</p> + +<p>A NEWSPAPER item says that "a Mexican offers to shoot JUAREZ for $200."</p> + +<p>That's nothing. TAYLOR, of Jersey City, offers to shoot any man in the +world for $2000.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>The Favorite Drink of the Canadian Government.</p> + +<p>CABINET Whiskey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="03.jpg (74K)" src="images/03.jpg" height="440" width="671"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<p>The public still labor under misapprehensions of our character and +calling. We are in daily receipt of letters of the most heterogeneous +description, the task of answering which we are compelled to utterly +forego.</p> + +<p>We subjoin a few specimens:</p> + +<p>"MR. PUNCHINELLO. <i>Dear Sir</i>: My wife died yesterday, and would you be +so kind as to come and make her will? I would not give you the trouble +of coming, but the young woman I intend to marry next is going away +to-morrow, and I don't want to leave home. My wife had five hundred +dollars which I want left to me, and a feather bed, which you may divide +amongst the children.</p> + +<p>"Yours in affliction,</p> + +<p>"SOLOMON SNIPP."</p> + +<p> +"SIR: I calculate to give a funeral down at my place shortly, that is, +if things go right; but we have no preacher to do the work. Would you +please to send us one? Not particular what kind, so long as the work is +<i>sure</i>. Party is not dead yet, but I make arrangements beforehand as I +expect to be insane. Good pay for good work.</p> + +<p>"Sincerely,</p> + +<p>"P. MCFINIGAN.</p> + +<p>"P. S. Do preachers warrant their burials?"</p> + +<p> +"DEAR MR. PUNCHINELLO:--You were so good as to prescribe a hot pitch +plaster for the baby's mouth. Next day I took the prescription to your +office, but failed to get it made up, as the devil, they told me, was +busy. Will you please inform me when you will be at leisure? Meanwhile +baby yells.</p> + +<p>"Yours truly,</p> + +<p>"C. PUGSBY.</p> + +<p>"P.S. <i>Later</i>. Mrs. PUGSBY says if I apply that plaster she will go +insane. True, she does not understand fire-arms, but then I should be +afraid to drink any coffee for a month. In the meantime, if the baby +keeps on, I shall go crazy myself; so there is likely to be a casualty +somewhere. What's to be done? Shall I bring the child to you?</p> + +<p>"C. P."</p> + +<p> +<i>Answer</i>. At your peril. Go crazy and shoot it; then we will go crazy +and turn counsel for the defence. The result will probably be that you +are handed over to the ladies to be kissed into reason; but if you would +rather be hung, you must do the shooting over in New-Jersey.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>"BEAUTIFUL SNOW."</h3> + +<p>Circumstances having rendered it probable that the dispute respecting +the authorship of the poem "Beautiful Snow" may shortly be revived, +PUNCHINELLO takes this opportunity of setting the public right on the +subject, and silencing further controversy regarding it for ever.</p> + +<p>It is the production of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, himself; was composed by him so +long ago as July, 1780, and copyrighted in August of the same year. It +may be asked how the idea of snow-flakes happened to occur to him in +July. That question is easily settled. The day was sultry; thermometer +98° in the arbor. Drowsed by the sultry air--not to mention the iced +claret--Mr. PUNCHINELLO posed himself gracefully upon a rustic bench, +and slept. Presently the lovely lady who was fanning him, fascinated by +the trumpet tones that preceded from his nose, exclaimed: "Beautiful +Snore!" This was repeated to him when he awoke, and hence the origin of +the poem.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Fish Culture.</h3> + +<p>The Grand Duke ALEXIS, of Russia, proposes to come to these shores and +inspect the American system of fish culture. With this end in view, he +will, of course, be the particular guest of Gen. GRANT, and will, no +doubt, be surprised to find that our principal FISH is a cultivated man. +But he will better understand our FISH system by witnessing its +operations in Spanish and Canadian waters, as also in those of Sault St. +Marie.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Linsey-Woolsey.</h3> + +<p>The regular troops for the Canadian Red River Expedition have been +supplied by Gen. LINDSEY, and are commanded by Col. WOLSLEY--a fact +oddly co-incidental with the reported flimsy character of the +expedition, so far as it has gone.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="04.jpg (155K)" src="images/04.jpg" height="656" width="688"> +</center> +<br><br> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<h3>Bivalvulor Intelligence.</h3> + +<p>It is stated that the clams along the Stratford shore are dying by +thousands of a malignant disease, which a correspondent of the +Bridgeport <i>Standard</i> calls "clam cholera." This is a sad c'lamity for +the people of the Stratford shore.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Fifteenth Amendment.</h3> + +<p>The appointment of colored postmasters in Maryland may be all very well; +but PUNCHINELLO would like to know whether the Post-office authorities +intend to revive the custom of Blackmailing.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="05.jpg (75K)" src="images/05.jpg" height="611" width="397"> + +</td><td> + +<p>Comedy personified, in Mr. CLARKE, has now reigned at BOOTH'S for nearly +six weeks. During that time there has been a perceptible change in the +metaphorical atmosphere of the house. The audience no longer wears the +look of subdued melancholy which was once involuntarily assumed by each +mourner for the memory of SHAKSPEARE, who passed the solemn threshold. +The ushers no longer find it necessary to sustain their depressed +spirits by the surreptitious chewing of the quid of consolation, and are +now the most pleasant, as they were always the most courteous, of their +kind. Persons have even been heard, within the past week, to allude to +BOOTH'S as a "theatre," instead of a "temple of art;" and though the +convulsions of nature which attend the shifting of the scenery, and +cause castles to be violently thrown up by volcanic eruptions and +forests to be suddenly swallowed by gaping earthquakes, impart a certain +solemnity to the brightest of comedies, still there is a general +impression among the audience that BOOTH'S has become a place of +amusement. And in noting this change PUNCHINELLO does not mean to jeer +at the former and normal character of BOOTH'S. BEETHOVEN'S Seventh +Symphony, DANTE'S Inferno, JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle, and EDWIN BOOTH'S +Hamlet are not amusing, but it does not follow that they are therefore +unworthy of the attention of the public, which is pleased with the +rattle of De Boots, and tickled with the straw of Toodles.</p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>FOX vs. GOOSE is a three act comedy in which Mr. CLARKE last week made +his audience laugh as freely as though the tomb-stones of all the +Capulets were not gleaming white and awful in the lamplight of the +property-room; or, at all events, would be gleaming if any body were to +hunt them up with a practicable lantern. The opening scene is the +tap-room of an inn, where Mr. FOX FOWLER, an adventurer, is taking his +ease and his unpaid-for gin-and-milk.</p> + +<p><i>Enter Landlord, presenting his bill</i>. "Here, sir, you've been drinking +my beer for several years, and now I want you to pay for it."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My friend! why ask me to pay bills? Do you not perceive that I +wear a velvet coat? And, besides, even if I wanted to pay I could not +until my baggage, which I gave to an expressman ten years ago, shall +reach me. It will probably arrive in a month or two more."</p> + +<p><i>Landlord</i>. "Here comes Sir GANDER GOSLING. I'll complain to him of your +conduct."</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter Sir Gander</i>.)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear Sir GANDER. Allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my son JACK."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am Jack's dearest friend. I have saved him from drowning, +from matrimony, from reading the <i>Nation,</i> from mothers-in-law, and all +other calamities mentioned in the litany."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "Describe him to me, if you know him so well."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "He is tall, dark, slender, and quiet in manner."</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gander</i>. "My dear fellow he is short, fat, light, and noisy. I am +convinced that you know him. Permit me to pay your bill, lend you money, +and tell you all about our dear JACK'S intended marriage." (<i>He pays, +lends, and narrates accordingly. A terrific rattling of dishpans +simulates the arrival of a train. Sir</i> GANDER <i>departs and</i> JACK GOSLING +<i>enters.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "My dear JACK, allow me to embrace you."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I don't know you. I'm not my father."</p> + +<p><i>Fox</i>. "But I am your father's dearest friend. Sit down and have a +bottle of wine, and tell me all about ROSE MANDRAKE, your intends bride. +'Rose! Rose! the coal black Rose!' as MILTON finely remarks." (<i>They sit +down and</i> JACK <i>immediately gets very drunk, thereby affording another +proof of the horribly adulterated condition of the liquor used on the +stage, which infallibly intoxicates an actor within two minutes after it +is imbibed. [Let the Excise authorities see to this matter.] Finally</i> +JACK <i>falls, and the curtain immediately follows his example.)</i></p> + +<p><i>Critical Young Man, who reads all the theatrical "notices" in the Herald +in the leisure moments when he is not selling yards of tape and ribbon</i>. +"I don't think much of CLARKE. He ain't half the man that NED FORREST +is. There ain't a bit of spontanatious humor in him. Them San Francisco +Minstrels can beat him out of sight."</p> + +<p><i>Accompanying Young Female Person</i>. "Yes, I think so, too. I hate to see +a man act drunk. It's so low and vulgar. I like pretty plays, like they +have at WALLACK'S."</p> + +<p><i>Respectable Old Gentleman</i>. "PLACIDE--BLAKE--BURTON--"</p> + +<p><i>Every Body Else</i>. "Well, this is real humor; I haven't laughed so much +since I heard BEECHER preach a funeral sermon."</p> + +<p>The second act takes place in the house of Major MANDRAKE. Fox has +successfully assumed the character of JACK GOSLING, and is having a +pleasant chat with the family, when the gardener enters to inform the +Major that a flock of crows is in sight.</p> + +<p><i>Major Mandrake</i>. "I love the pleasures of the chase. Bring my gun, and +I will shoot the crows." (<i>He goes out, and shoots</i> JACK, <i>who is +climbing over the gate. Re-enter Major and men carrying</i> JACK.)</p> + +<p><i>Major</i>. "Alas! I have missed the crow over the cornfield, and lost the +crow over my shooting which I would otherwise have had. Also I have shot +a man out of season, and the sportsmen's club will prosecute me."</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i>. "I am not dead, though my appearance and conversation might +induce you to think so. My name is JACK GOSLING. The chap in the velvet +coat is an impostor."</p> + +<p><i>Major, Fox, and other dramatis persons</i>. "Away with the wretch! He +himself is the impostor. Call a policeman who will club him if he makes +no resistance."</p> + +<p>JACK is dragged away, but perpetually returns and denounces his rival. +He is bitten by suppositious dogs cunningly simulated by stage +carpenters, who remark "bow wow" from behind the scenes. He is cut by +ROSE MANDRAKE, and also by rows of broken bottles, which line the top of +the wall on which he makes a perilous perch, not having a pole or rod +with which to defend himself against the dogs. He is challenged by Fox +and seconded by Miss BLANCHE BE BAR in naval uniform. Finally he takes +refuge in the china closet, and hurls cheap plates and saucers at his +foes. With the exhaustion of the supply of crockery, the act naturally +comes to an end, and, as frequently occurs in similar cases, the curtain +falls.</p> + +<p><i>Comic Man</i>. "Why does CLARKE, when he slings china at the company, +remind you of the Paraguayan war? Of course you give it up. Because he +carries on a war on the Plate. Do you see it? Crockery plates and the +river Plate, you know. Ha! ha!"</p> + +<p>And two ushers, reinforced by a special policeman, drag the miserable +man away, and lead him to MAGONIGLE'S private room, there to be dealt +with for the hideous crime of making infamous jokes in BOOTH'S theatre. +He is never seen again, and so the Philadelphia <i>Day</i> loses its +brightest ornament.</p> + +<p>The third act consists of a duel between JACK and FOX, each of whom is +too cowardly to fight. They therefore follow the safer example of rival +editors, and swear and scold at each other. At last a small millennium +of universal reconciliation takes place, and the usual old comedy "tag" +ends the play.</p> + +<p>(Parenthetically, why "tag?" Does it receive this name because its +invariable stupidity suggests those other worthless commodities "rag" +and "bob-tail," which, outside of theatres, are generally associated +with the name.)</p> + +<p>And every body goes away murmuring of the genial humor of CLARKE, the +magical violin of MOLLENHAUER, the elegance, convenience and comfort of +the theatre, the matchless memory of BOOTH'S Hamlet and Iago, and the +golden certainty of the coming of Rip Van Winkle. And every body is +supremely satisfied, and says to every body else, "This theatre needs +only a company, to be the foremost theatre of either continent."</p> + +<p>MATADOR.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Remarks by Our Stammering Contributor.</h3> + +<p>The up-town theatrical sensation is, we hear, produced "regardless of +expense." We had reason to think that its managers would show more +Frou-frou-frugality.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="06.jpg (202K)" src="images/06.jpg" height="858" width="654"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2> + +<h3>THE MONKEY TRIBE.</h3> + +<p>Of this genus there are countless varieties, differing widely in the cut +of their monkey jackets, as the untravelled American naturalist will +doubtless have observed on traversing his native sidewalk. The educated +specimens met with in our cities are upon the whole well Organized, and +appear to have music in their soles. For its feats <i>à pied</i>, the tame +monkey is indebted to a Piedmontese who accompanies him.</p> + +<p>To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in +their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying +their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be +found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some +aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry +Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the +Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the +animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; +the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, +always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which +are particularly Rum Customers.</p> + +<p>Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic +consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he +now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These +philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the +base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey +apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, +with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little +Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand +for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the +Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang +Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with +Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.</p> + +<p>There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--<i>Simia +Similibus</i>. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the +opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it +is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much +sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. +Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem +disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by +hook or by crook.</p> + +<p>The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them +if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent +that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as +among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY.</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the +above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I +shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. +the benefit of your enormous influence.</p> + +<p>The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as +follows:</p> + +<p>The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships +in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the +old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for +a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)</p> + +<p>At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise +Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at +least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she +would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.</p> + +<p>These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near +the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African +Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our +Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the +tea-drinkers.</p> + +<p>Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and +strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising +we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising +the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great +many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can +afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, +in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the +Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always +know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having +either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the +presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it +plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in +this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of +our kind--or <i>upon</i> our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people +<i>like to be imposed upon,</i> and can always be taken with the Economical +hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it +may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless +you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!</p> + +<p>We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call +Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) +article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and +is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter +could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily +believe we make money by it.</p> + +<p>A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal +value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)</p> + +<p>T. T. T. (for the Co.)</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS.</h2> + +<p>We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special +arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the +only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which +were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how +full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:</p> + +<p>FIRST DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--A great battle was +fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. +General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had +eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.</p> + +<p>SECOND DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>9:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--A great battle was fought +yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General +VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven +thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The +brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred +prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will +crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the +island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.</p> + +<p>THIRD DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--Our victory was more complete than +at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one +drummer-boy slightly wounded.</p> + +<p>FOURTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>10:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--Our victory was more +complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only +loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.</p> + +<p>FIFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11 P.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, +and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory +was complete.</p> + +<p>SIXTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>11:30 P.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--VALMESEDA had only two +hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. +The victory was complete.</p> + +<p>SEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12 M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at +first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly +outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery +was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.</p> + +<p>EIGHTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>12:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The battle was not so +bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty +men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was +captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.</p> + +<p>NINTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--It is now known that the battle was +only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon +their extra linen. They were repulsed however.</p> + +<p>TENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>1:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--It is now known that the +battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of +eggs, but were repulsed.</p> + +<p>ELEVENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From a Cuban Patriot</i>.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have +originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty +Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.</p> + +<p>TWELFTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>2:30 A.M.--(<i>From the Spanish Authorities</i>.)--The rumor of a battle +evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a +Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.</p> + +<p>THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.</p> + +<p>3 A.M.--(<i>From the American, Consul</i>.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a +stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All +is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.</p> + +<p>At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, +however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="07.jpg (170K)" src="images/07.jpg" height="862" width="648"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Good Turn Meant.</h3> + +<p>THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the +young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If +our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few +of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dumb Beasts' Friend.</h3> + +<p>Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he +opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says +in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. +That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a +Terrier to their enemies.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Land and Water.</h3> + +<p>An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The +request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable +well Landed.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Kellogg Testimonial.</h3> + +<p>Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of +the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA +LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit +Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of +fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if +EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put +the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so +greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has +such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next +benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she +be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do +it.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Latest About Garibaldi.</h3> + +<p>It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the +Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the +Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact +that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="08.jpg (127K)" src="images/08.jpg" height="911" width="602"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Stridor Dentium.</h3> + +<p>The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a +shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, +discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were +physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most +beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on +this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable +age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. +Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should +not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for +casuists.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>English News.</h3> + +<p>It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament +for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was +the image of his mother.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>In the Air.</h3> + +<p><i>Voice at Rome</i>. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."</p> + +<p><i>Echo, everywhere</i>. "'No! no!'"</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain.</h3> + +<p>M. T.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE ROBINS.</h2> +<p>[<i>Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the +American newspapers</i>.]</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<br> +<p> There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain,<br> + It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain;<br> + And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought<br> + Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught!<br> + So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste;<br> + Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste--<br> + Who never <i>will</i> catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do,<br> + But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you!<br> + I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain:<br> + <i>Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> +<br> +<p> Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet!<br> + Firstly, they're <i>not</i> true "Robins," but a base, inferior set;<br> + Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek;<br> + Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak!<br> + Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late.<br> + They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate.</p> +<br> +<p> Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren?<br> + With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men?<br> + Now <i>that</i> is <i>music</i>, mind you! And how small the throat that<br> + sings!<br> + Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things!<br> + Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain:<br> + <i>Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!</i></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CAUTION!</h2> + +<p>There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, +having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a +completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing +to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and +good tempered.</p> + +<p>The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as +any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and +affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put +under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long +period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our +money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs +left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris +from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his +contracting.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="09.jpg (298K)" src="images/09.jpg" height="970" width="722"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2> + + + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="10.jpg (80K)" src="images/10.jpg" height="600" width="385"> +</td><td> + + +<h3>SENATE.</h3> +<p>DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of +hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in +Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred +to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, +and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to +the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his +sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively +happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from +voting against him. That would make his reëlection a pretty sure thing.</p> + +<p>Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People +were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull +Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than +the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. +As for DRAKE, he was a <i>canard</i>, and his statement was another. He did +not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.</p> + +<p>Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered +that FERRY was a Copperhead.</p> + +<p>Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be +done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not +only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, +and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While +his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough +to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. +Hear.)</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He +considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the +glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the +removal of the disabilities.</p> + + + +<h3>HOUSE.</h3> + +<p>Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation +bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out +that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for +the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. +Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the +huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. +Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely +shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American +hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped +the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy +on their souls.</p> + +<p>KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SPENCERIAN CHAFF.</h2> + +<h3>BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.</h3> +<br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend<br> + (Whose record I intend<br> + Most handsomely and warmly to defend,)<br> + You fancy that you now and then perceive<br> + A word or phrase one hardly can conceive<br> + Was uttered "by your leave;"<br> + If--going further in my supposition--<br> + You fancy his condition<br> + In some respects was not above suspicion;<br> + If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes--<br> + As there may be in crimes,)<br> + You think it strange, what men will do for dimes;<br> + Why, it is plainly due<br> + To you,<br> + And noble SPENCER, too,<br> + That I should straightway boil with legal rage<br> + At such injustice, and at once engage<br> + To right the matter, on this virtuous page.</p> +<br> +<p> I fear, my captious friend,<br> + (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend<br> + The Majesty of Law!<br> + Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!<br> + It is not merely Jaw!<br> + Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)<br> + If for this thing you have no greater awe,<br> + You need correction!<br> + Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,<br> + The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?<br> + True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge<br> + As though he were a plain American.<br> + But, fudge!<br> + <i>He</i> never minds; he's not a gentleman!<br> + True, it is now and then our legal lot<br> + To teach a stupid witness what is what,<br> + Or show that he (or she)<br> + Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;<br> + We find it necessary,<br> + Very,<br> + To blacken what we have no doubt is white,<br> + And whiten what is very black indeed.<br> + Agreed!</p> +<br> +<p> But ask the Client what <i>he</i> thinks is right!<br> + He may not care to see us fairly <i>fight,</i><br> + (It <i>is not</i> a pleasant sight,)<br> + Or hear us curse till all is black as night,<br> + For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;<br> + But <i>he</i> knows whether he is ably served!<br> + Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)<br> + Is always either angular or curved.<br> + Now, pray, no bosh<br> + About the <i>habit of defending crime</i><br> + Dulling the sensibilities in time!<br> + The theory won't wash!<br> + Once place my colleague on the other side,<br> + You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!<br> + Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!<br> + Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!<br> + You would perceive<br> + (At least, you would be ready to believe,)<br> + That, noting all the most abhorred deeds<br> + Known to our records, this affair must needs<br> + Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.<br> + And then, again----</p> +<br> +<p> But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see<br> + You're one of those odd folks who don't agree<br> + With <i>any</i> body. <i>You</i> are not to pass<br> + On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.<br> + I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!<br> + You'd think the deuce was in it!<br> + <i>I'd</i> shake the humdrums out of you, I guess!<br> + You'd presently confess<br> + You thought that No was Yes.<br> + It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--<br> + We like to worry.<br> + In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know<br> + Your father from JIM CROW,<br> + Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!<br> + And now then, dunce,<br> + Please move your boots, at once!<br> + If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,<br> + I'd <i>kick</i> you out!</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="11.jpg (169K)" src="images/11.jpg" height="824" width="649"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2> + +<p>Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, +much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what +refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt +that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. +To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the +laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes +parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which +is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had +under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might +happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which +"gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have +suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved +spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After +considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen +upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, +and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.</p> + +<p>Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about +three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the +same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole +boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within +twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to +drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, +being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge +well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to +the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the +nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge +of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks +with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with +great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in +pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great +dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of +that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact +that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the +French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." +Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, +owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have +been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the +impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed +entirely to the devices of a Parisian <i>cuisine</i>.</p> + +<p>This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach +from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is +related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and +spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter +like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse +liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to +acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any +seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian +<i>restaurateur</i> in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so +both prosper.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Georgia</i>. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you +want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the +Washington <i>Chronicle</i>. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of +your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.</p> + +<p><i>Anxious Inquirer</i>. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will +shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. +DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.</p> + +<p><i>Traveller</i>. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to +pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is +given to them.</p> + +<p><i>Dramatical</i>. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have +a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from <i>Julius +Caesar</i>, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:<br> + --"Farewell BRUTUS!<br> + If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."<br> +<i>Act V. Scene 1.</i></p> + +<p><i>Hoyle</i>. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen +through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.</p> + +<p><i>Henry Jones</i>. No. You are wrong. <i>Sic semper tyrannis, does not</i> mean +<i>"Tyrants are always sick."</i></p> + +<p><i>Villikens</i>. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of +WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S +Dictionary.</p> + +<p><i>Cornet</i>. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of +"Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you +will find the air any thing but fresh.</p> + +<p><i>Gin-and-Milk</i>. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs +in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.</p> + +<p><i>Chutney</i>. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is +not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.</p> + +<p><i>Sculp</i>. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human +figure?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great +American Sculptor. It is <i>in</i> our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek +Slave.</p> + +<p><i>Richard III</i>. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the +stage. How can I be fitted for it?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for +Measure."</p> + +<p><i>Debrett</i>. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?</p> + +<p><i>Answer</i>. Towels and Soap.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12.jpg (141K)" src="images/12.jpg" height="718" width="528"> +</center> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<br> + +<p> 'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority,<br> + Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance;<br> + But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority<br> + Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.</p> +<br> +<p> Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries<br> + The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;<br> + And although the rowdy <i>Faubourgs</i> tried a few of their Tom-fooleries,<br> + My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.</p> +<br> +<p> I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--<br> + Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,<br> + I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,<br> + More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the <i>Canaille</i>.</p> +<br> +<p> The <i>Drapeau Rouge is down</i>--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN<br> + Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;<br> + And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,<br> + I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.</p> +<br> +<p> Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,<br> + Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"<br> + They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical<br> + Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die.</p> +<br> +<p> To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee<br> + All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,<br> + All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,<br> + Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"</p> +<br> +<p> She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,<br> + From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;<br> + And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,<br> + They <i>know</i> this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>The Dominion Again.</h3> + +<p>What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be +satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister +of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned +their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the +domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of +looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is +"factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>SCIENCE FOREVER!</h2> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of +the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby +announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, +if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the +elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on +the following subjects:</p> + +<p>1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of +Washington to Chicago.</p> + +<p>2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.</p> + +<p>3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts +of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.</p> + +<p>4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures +of the Chicago Police.</p> + +<p>5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent +experiments.)</p> + +<p>6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.</p> + +<p>7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.</p> + +<p>MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different +scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, +Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation +from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious +trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the +West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that +they labor under the most hideous of delusions.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare.</h3> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<p> It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote--<br> + "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><hr><br> + +<p>A Dead Beat to the Windward.</p> + +<p>MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>THE FISHERY QUESTION.</h2> + +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<img alt="13.jpg (87K)" src="images/13.jpg" height="607" width="401"> + +</td><td> + + +<p>Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be +anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the +fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their +rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is +considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are +also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the +fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of +"Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the +serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the +fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.</p> + +<p>Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of +this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures +may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having +every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor +Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the +troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and +complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides +from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the +banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an +"occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer +equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, +though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would +doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper +of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with +"SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"</p> + +</td></tr> +</table> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14.jpg (193K)" src="images/14.jpg" height="823" width="653"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>OF MYTHOLOGY.</h2> + +<p>Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to +distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and +heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my +doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used +to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" +of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. +The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from +which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer +could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and +so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign +announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the +service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business +without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The +advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.</p> + +<p>We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important +gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We +therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of +Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed +a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, +and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power +undisturbed.</p> + +<p>JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who +lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to +surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female +servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at +night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that +he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to +LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him +"an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman +appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to +call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, +in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that +eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that +he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way +of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of +BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a +child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to +meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One +can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of +gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in +ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a +sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane +husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely +punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who +used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable +spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake +night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, +<i>ex-officio</i>, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed +a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking +them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, +such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of +the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he +placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction +with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted +for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows +what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the +Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is +well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey +still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S +reformation.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer.</h3> + +<p>Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of +newspaper enterprises?</p> + +<p>Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out."</h3> + +<p>That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h3>Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts.</h3> + +<p>Come into the garden Maudlin.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + +<h2>TO OUR READERS.</h2> + +<p>Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO +regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of +this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.</p> + +<p>Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no +newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it +at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other +illustrated paper.</p> + +<p>However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered +by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, +it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The +best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their +subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in +$4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid +premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this +number.</p> + +<p>By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at +their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being +imposed on.</p> + +<br><hr><br> + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15.jpg (248K)" src="images/15.jpg" height="1117" width="749"> +</center> +<br><br> + + + +<br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16.jpg (280K)" src="images/16.jpg" height="1124" width="762"> +</center> +<br><br> + + +<br><hr><br><br><br><br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, Issue 10, +Saturday, June 4, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, JUNE 4, 1870 *** + +***** This file should be named 9544-h.htm or 9544-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/9/5/4/9544/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders from material generously +made available by Cornell University + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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