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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9549]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 8, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald
+Holder and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim
+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
+of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed any where.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+AND AT
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage ant to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
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+
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+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Iræ.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CÆSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passé_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithæ," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9549-8.txt or 9549-8.zip *****
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?>
+
+<!DOCTYPE html
+   PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Punchinello, Issue No. 3
+    </title>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9549]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 8, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald
+Holder and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      "The printing House of the United States."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>GEO. F. NESBITT &amp; CO.</b>,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      General <b>JOB PRINTERS</b>,<br />   BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br />   
+      STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br />     LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and
+      Printers,<br />      COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br />       CARD
+      Manufacturers,<br />        ENVELOPE Manufacturers,<br />         FINE CUT
+      and COLOR Printers.<br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>163, 165, 167,</b> and <b>169</b> PEARL ST., <b>73, 75, 77,</b> and <b>79</b>
+      PINE ST., New-York.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate supervision
+      of the proprietors.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        WALTHAM WATCHES.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        3-4 PLATE.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <em>16 and 20 Sizes.</em>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all the
+      science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim that,
+      for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of
+      mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+      watches are unsurpassed any where.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not even
+      attempted except at Waltham.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>COD-LIVER OIL.</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+      that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring and
+      preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil
+      which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be wished."<br />
+      &mdash;DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See <i>Medical Record</i>,
+      December, 1869, p. 447.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        W.H. SCHIEFFELIN &amp; CO.,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_cvrs.gif"
+      alt="PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts" />
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        PUBLISHED BY THE
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK</b>.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        "PUNCHINELLO"
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        J. NICKINSON,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        Room No. 4,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        83 NASSAU STREET.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        THE
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        "BREWSTER WAGON."
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        The Standard for Style and Quality.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        BREWSTER &amp; COMPANY,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        of Broome Street.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        WAREROOMS,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <i>In all the Fashionable Varieties,</i>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        Thomas J. Rayner &amp; Co.,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        29 LIBERTY STREET,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        New-York,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <i>Finest Cigars made in the United States.</i>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to any
+      responsible house. Also importers of the
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        "FUSROS" BRAND,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to twenty
+      per cent cheaper. Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money
+      by calling at
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <b>20 LIBERTY STREET.</b>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        GEO. BOWLEND,
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        ARTIST,
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        Room No. 11,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>No. 160 FULTON STREET,</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        NEW-YORK.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        WEVILL &amp; HAMMAR,
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        Wood Engravers,
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        No. 208 BROADWAY,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        NEW-YORK.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        PUNCHINELLO.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+      paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+      advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        Presents to the public for approval, the
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        WEEKLY PAPER,
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        PUNCHINELLO,
+      </h2>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870, and
+      thereafter weekly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO will be <i>National</i>, and not <i>local</i>; and will
+      endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the country; and to
+      that end has secured a
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open to
+      appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+      vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a superior
+      tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all
+      respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when
+      they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+      celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+      humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+      specialties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+      with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+      identified with VANITY FAIR.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+      sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+      acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+      inclosed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>Terms:</b>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One copy, per year, in advance $4.00<br /> Single copies, ten cents.<br /> A
+      specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br /> One
+      copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+      $2.50, for 5.50<br /> One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for
+      7.00
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        No. 83 Nassau Street,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        NEW-YORK,
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      P. O. Box, 2783.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        <i>(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)</i>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        Mercantile Library,
+      </h2>
+      <h3>
+        Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+      </h3>
+      <h3>
+        NEW-YORK.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+      volumes on its shelves being <b>114,000.</b> About 1000 volumes are added
+      each month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular
+      works.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        TO CLERKS,
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+      </h3>
+      <h3>
+        TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+      </h3>
+      <h3>
+        SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR<br /> SIX MONTHS.
+      </h3>
+      <h3>
+        <b>BRANCH OFFICES</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        AT
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        AND AT
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        AMERICAN<br /> BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        AND
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        <b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+      former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+      Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      in all fabrics.<br /> Machine, with finely finished
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This last
+      is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in
+      order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+      instruction given to purchasers.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        HENRY SPEAR
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        <b>STATIONER, PRINTER</b>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        AND
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        <b>ACCOUNT BOOKS</b>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        MADE TO ORDER.
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.</b>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>82 Wall Street</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>NEW-YORK.</b>
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        FROU-FROU.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p3s.gif" alt="Illustration with letter 'T'" /> his
+      nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE THEATRE
+      more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the seducer of
+      his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty woman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago. The
+      actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective hit at
+      the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then he has
+      become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who insist
+      that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has left the
+      country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good riddance of
+      bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good rubbish, to
+      discuss his merits at their leisure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+      orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a rule
+      with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama. This rule
+      originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide gradually
+      into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus saving them
+      from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do not understand
+      the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an evidence of
+      vulgarity and discourtesy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable clothes,
+      (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if any thing,
+      better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a small girl with a
+      reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the evident disgust of
+      her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke.</i>&mdash;"How
+      sweetly pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the <i>real</i>
+      French aristocracy?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+      listening for his reply</i>&mdash;"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that
+      is." (<i>It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about
+      the Legitimists, he says confidently</i>.) "They haven't the air, you
+      know, of the genuine old Legitimist <i>noblesse</i>. As to BONAPARTE'S
+      nobility, I don't know much about them."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+      unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks&mdash;</i>"Who
+      are the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, the&mdash;the&mdash;<i>(can't think of any name but St. Germain,
+      and so says boldly,)</i> the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you
+      know." (<i>He is sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs,
+      but prudently refrains</i>.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+      jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt. She
+      insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+      position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives her
+      whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience</i>&mdash;"The girl's a fool.
+      Catch me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests</i>&mdash;"But she might have
+      done so much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a
+      mother-in-law as a housekeeper?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Matron, with suppressed fury</i>&mdash;"Very well, my dear. If you
+      can't refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+      play alone."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (<i>Sh&mdash;sh&mdash;sh! from every body. Curtain rises again</i>.) More
+      attentions to pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's
+      expense. Finally FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so
+      admirably that misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of
+      this logical conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture
+      borrowed from RIP VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Jocular Man remarks</i>&mdash;"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get
+      a divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+      overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn</i>&mdash;"Some
+      people think it <i>so</i> smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there
+      is nothing more vulgar."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+      confidentially that</i>&mdash;"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+      acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+      ETHEL any odds you please. "(<i>Both look as though they remembered some
+      delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+      rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within hearing</i>.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+      fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover. Her
+      husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the amount
+      of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Rural Person announces as a startling discovery</i>&mdash;"That's Miss
+      AGNES ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to
+      LYDDY THOMPSON."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend</i>&mdash;"The idea of Miss
+      ETHEL trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+      <i>Monsieur</i>?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+      pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks</i>&mdash;"What
+      does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks about?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Travelled Man, with desperation</i>&mdash;"It ought to be pronounced m&mdash;m&mdash;m&mdash;"
+      (<i>ending in an inaudible murmur</i>.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What? I didn't quite hear."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says</i>&mdash;"Excuse
+      me, but the curtain is rising."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+      arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+      feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel, and
+      live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+      FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of the
+      sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will save
+      her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+      Jocular Man, who says</i>&mdash;"Well, if that's moral, I don't know
+      what's immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know
+      that."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+      critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+      parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good actor
+      in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss ETHEL,
+      upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to personate
+      a brilliant and <i>spirituelle</i> Parisienne that one wonders at the
+      popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies. Can it
+      be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a pretty
+      woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well with her
+      back-hair down?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      MATADOR.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+      PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+      neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+      They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+      keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest let
+      Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort to sorry and
+      disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are gorgeously and
+      gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city arms open to
+      badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the Aldermen pass so
+      many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let them pass like bad
+      dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that Public Opinion to
+      which they run counter.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        <b>Will the Aldermen Respond?</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      [Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+      PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+      Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+      families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+      parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman writes
+      that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the cost of
+      his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan of keeping
+      them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing to this paper
+      for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write us that they now
+      never take a meal except from a board, or a series of boards, supported by
+      legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged by this evidence of
+      their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer further advice of the same
+      valuable character.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+      certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+      children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+      baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+      then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+      prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+      grocer's a quantity of flour&mdash;ordinary wheat flour&mdash;buying much
+      or little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+      in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+      If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+      observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+      family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight. The
+      whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and sometimes
+      even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household, it will be well
+      to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust and roaches; but it must
+      be observed that a soft and warm <img src="images/pnv1n3_p4n1s.gif"
+      alt="family cat" /> bedlike arrangement will thus be formed, and if the
+      family cat should choose to make it her resting-place, the mixture will
+      not rise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+      out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each. But
+      it must <i>not be eaten</i> in this condition, for it would be neither
+      palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in the
+      oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be soon
+      hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be eaten&mdash;provided
+      the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood. When brought to
+      the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with molasses, jelly,
+      butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate to the relief of
+      ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this preparation will never
+      be content without it. Some persons have it at every meal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+      CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is to
+      teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household furniture
+      in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these ladies is
+      recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical families. It
+      having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to provide for
+      the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household epochs, an
+      instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be of the
+      greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or in the
+      long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a small box.
+      If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers to it, so
+      much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the lower part of
+      this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany. Paint a rose just
+      under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels, and put them together
+      inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall fit into each other and
+      wrap a string around one of them, to the end of which a lump of lead or
+      iron should be attached. Then put a piece of tin, with the hours painted
+      thereon, on the upper part of the box, behind the door, and get two long
+      bits of thin iron, one shorter than the other, and connect them, by means
+      of a hole in the middle of the tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut
+      the door, and if this apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the
+      time of day. Any thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of
+      the brass, by the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the
+      wood, the tin, and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops
+      the completed article would be very much more costly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p4n2s.gif" alt="clock" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+      of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+      please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that it
+      is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort of
+      fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+      frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+      variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+      thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+      piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in the
+      other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are now
+      placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator will
+      find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily follow it.
+      If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and forward, a
+      great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will be necessary,
+      on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard convolution at the
+      free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing entirely through. This
+      method will be found much more convenient than the plan of punching holes
+      in the stuff and then sticking the ends of the thread through them. In the
+      latter case, the thread is almost certain to curl up, and cause great
+      annoyance.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        <b>Dies Ir&aelig;.</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Philadelphia <i>Day</i>, on account of the immense success of
+      PUNCHINELLO.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        <b>Sporting Query.</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <p>
+        <b>Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.</b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent the
+      adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with the
+      Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+      provisions being strictly in character:)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+      and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.<br /> All women to be
+      killed on sight.<br /> Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left
+      to the Small-Pox.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and whisky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+      breeding season.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White camp.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+      be sacredly regarded.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his tomahawk,
+      (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren, or removed to
+      a new reservation by the small-pox.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p5s.gif" alt="Rather Personal" />
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <b>RATHER PERSONAL.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <i>Ardent Lover.</i> "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO YOU SCORN MY HAND?"<br /> <i>Young
+      Lady.</i> "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND, BUT I <i>do</i> OBJECT
+      TO YOUR FEET."
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+      High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+      intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+      Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+      men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+      Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+      enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+      accommodation in East-Houston Street&mdash;The rooms are very tastefully
+      decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+      celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will drop
+      his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER BONAPARTE&mdash;thus
+      Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and he thinks that his
+      exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a Brick.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      HATCHET.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <b>The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "CANARY laid"
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA, the
+      mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about JANE,
+      Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who <i>she</i> was,) and how She once
+      defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of her the
+      lecturer said,
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      "Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+      modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+      breeches."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      BILL TWEED.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Cool.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+      delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful bouquets
+      of flowers:"
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        "With hungry eyes we glanced adown<br /> The table nicely spread;<br />
+        Our appetites were very keen,<br /> And not one word was said,<br /> <br />
+        "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"<br /> Gave token of delight,<br /> As,
+        from a magic flower-bed.<br /> Bright buds appeared in sight.<br /> <br />
+        "May this sweet thought suggest the way<br /> In which to spend life's
+        hours;<br /> And we endeavor every day<br /> To scatter fragrant flowers."
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes of
+      a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent is that
+      relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a Christmas
+      pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes," though there is
+      small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was "hungry o' the
+      stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was nicely spread, though
+      not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with bread and butter; but,
+      as the subject calls for, with flowers&mdash;food of a very proper
+      character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder that those of
+      the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find something more
+      substantial than flowers set before them, should at first sight have been
+      unable to utter one word. And only, after their first astonishment and
+      disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and R's, which, we may
+      presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum, to restore their drooping
+      spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's perverseness, would have us
+      believe they were intended as "tokens of delight."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of the
+      well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        "How doth the little busy bee<br /> Improve each shining hour,<br /> And
+        gather honey all the day<br /> From every opening flower!"
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+      that is to "suggest the way"
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        "In which to spend life's hours!"
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+      "every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain that
+      the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of delight."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE, and
+      CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the rescue
+      of their unfortunate sister&mdash;the perpetrator of the above verses.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Suggestive.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Our sheriff's initials&mdash;J.O.B.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>How to Rise Early.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Query for Barney Williams.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Not During Lent.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+      Cabinet during Lent.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the <i>World</i>&mdash;no, nor even for
+      PUNCHINELLO&mdash;cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+      these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us why,
+      should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of the
+      various <i>Sorosis-ters</i>, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+      youth?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p6n1s.gif" alt="She searches for a man." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+      who believe in the <i>fee-male absolute</i> as the real estate of woman,
+      as principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+      (except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+      lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+      even with the best of reference.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the younger
+      walks of age take on this armor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Where is the need?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a husband
+      linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+      ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in the
+      past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of such
+      in the future.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so heart-broken
+      because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so disgusted with the
+      state matrimonial under the present constitution of society, that they
+      would not marry&mdash;oh! no.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p6n2s.gif"
+      alt="She searches for a fire. 'There's somethin' a singein'!'" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of his
+      evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have nothing
+      whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond the
+      possibility of a peradventure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+      pity for them; their experience has been <i>trying</i>, but in vain; they
+      know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+      labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will wait
+      for some time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought that <i>perhaps</i>
+      they may be called upon to make warning examples of themselves, and marry;
+      and that <i>perhaps</i> the man they marry may be a tyrant, and&mdash;but
+      the contingency is too remote.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+      woman's mission: they want to work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, all we can say is&mdash;<i>go it</i>! for under the circumstances,
+      with no one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to
+      work for themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much,
+      without so much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much
+      spare time to talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be
+      better off, and poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't you
+      think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+      overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+      who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+      temptation in that direction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As to the rest&mdash;those weak creatures who <i>will</i> be satisfied
+      with good husbands and broad home-missions&mdash;they know no better; they
+      will continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+      every thing will be satisfactory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's <i>real estate</i>
+      has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it <i>always</i>
+      has been within her own control by virtue of that old first statute given
+      to our gentle mother, EVE.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+      time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances," and
+      in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+      court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+      Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about the
+      streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+      "Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have missed.
+      Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all rumors about
+      him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;" and they
+      generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to "dine at&mdash;where?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+      has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+      Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium than
+      Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years past. He
+      throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and greenbacks
+      would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the Spirit-world. He
+      had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And now the question
+      asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this respect would
+      gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from the vasty deep?'
+      and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker CLEWS is one of his
+      sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's whereabouts. Do not
+      PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms sweep clean, and that no
+      broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of Federal plunderers than that
+      wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There is, however, an old proverb
+      which claims that industrious brooms soon wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a
+      broom, in that no one can find a handle to his whereabouts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey in
+      London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration continues
+      to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks by attacks
+      against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey practices recently
+      introduced into the United States Courts and United States procedure,
+      within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle a large number of
+      Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily styled "Old Bailey
+      Practitioners."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Gay Young Joker.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two since,
+      to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "TWEED 'l win."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I mean," rejoined THURLOW, that his name, T. WEED, is identical with one
+      that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+      New-York."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SEWARD smiled.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      PHILADELVINGS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      "Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her maternal
+      parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long, and HANNAH
+      won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not only little
+      girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM D. KELLEY, of
+      Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional banisters that he
+      must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good people of the Fourth
+      District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen hundred of his
+      constituents have written him a letter, and have said to him, "Dat he
+      sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his placey-wacey as
+      longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty- wasty one-legged soldiers
+      sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they sha'n't." So the poor
+      fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing, and consents to.be
+      pacified and take his three thousand a year for a little while longer.
+      This may do very well for once in a while; but the Honorable WILLIAM D.
+      announces that, not only does he desire to be pacified in regard to the
+      people who expect him to get them situations, but that he wants to be with
+      his family for more than six months in a year, and that his property
+      affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he should ask, next time, that
+      his family shall be assigned apartments in the Capitol, and that he shall
+      be put on the Grant Category, and be presented with an estate by his
+      grateful constituents? And suppose he should declare that he would serve
+      no more unless General LOGAN should be included among the number of those
+      from whose importunities he is to be defended? The good Irish blood of
+      WILLIAM D. has always boiled at the sound of the slogan, for it generally
+      means fight, and he wants&mdash;pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully
+      presents his condolences to the people of the Fourth District of
+      Pennsylvania, and hopes that they will have a happy time of it with
+      WILLIAM D.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+      brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+      to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any thing
+      on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the citizens
+      assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making a mud-flat
+      of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the buildings on
+      PENN Square&mdash;so called because it is split in the middle, and answers
+      its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers hate to
+      interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or women, and
+      so many of the latter make this square their abiding place every summer,
+      that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the Fifteenth
+      Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+      Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are very
+      enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+      "Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+      open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims upon
+      the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the nearest
+      point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the vigor of
+      the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are worthy of a
+      metropolis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has decided
+      the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes our
+      OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg, and of
+      course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility. When a man
+      loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only one of a
+      picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State Library, and in
+      which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S substituted; but
+      the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the leaden-legged governor,
+      a head-strong determination to proceed to extremities which has given rise
+      to the gravest apprehensions; but PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is
+      expected that the Legislature will soon compel the inhabitants of the City
+      of Fraternites to send their children to school, whether they like it or
+      not. This is certainly progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently
+      forward to a law compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements
+      twice a day; to have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all
+      their houses; to build said houses entirely of red brick, with green
+      shutters; to make their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to
+      agitate passers-by and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall
+      have at least one little gutter running over its pavement.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>"Lost at Sea."</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+      Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy Good
+      Books&mdash;all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+      pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+      Pennsylvania.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might behold
+      our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City Fathers,
+      and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well, thee might
+      then taste it, and also say, Good!&mdash;if thee likes. It is cheap. Thee
+      will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good" and good to say
+      "Cheap."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in our
+      streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+      fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+      little water!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cruelty to Animals is Prevented&mdash;but thee knows this; for has thee
+      not thy BERGH? Thee does with <i>one</i> BERGH, but we have two&mdash;Pittsburg
+      and Harrisburg&mdash;and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man
+      thinketh his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee
+      Harrisburg, and trust to the laws of Providence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+      thee does. If thee does <i>nothing</i>, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+      accords not with idleness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and, having
+      a very FOX for a Mayor&mdash;whose police are sharp as steel traps&mdash;thee
+      comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee might disguise
+      thyself in liquor and&mdash;as friend Fox taketh none&mdash;escape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+      Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may not
+      live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of which no
+      man living can foresee.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      I remain, thine in peace,
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There are as good Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Revels in the President's Mansion.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Black man in the White house.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Nothing Like Leather.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+      administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+      night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+      find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises with
+      a good-sized Black&mdash;and tan.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>"Raising Cain."</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+      which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+      the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+      however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in the
+      South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no doubt,
+      that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain" so
+      extensively in that section.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Good for a "Horse Laugh."</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      What is the difference between the leading <i>equestrienne</i> at the
+      Circus and ROSA BONHEUR?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+      Woman."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Drawn Battle.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Suggestion.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+      In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+      to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        THE UMBRELLA.
+      </h3>
+      (CONCLUDED.)
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee Islands,
+      who never before had wandered from their own delightful home, be thrown
+      into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored flag, or
+      whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of that
+      populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should you
+      leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered&mdash;say in
+      a restaurant, or even in your own hall&mdash;the fortunate and
+      enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in his
+      favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+      remaining points by right of discovery&mdash;a good thing for dealers in
+      umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+      addicted to petty larceny.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+      man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but it
+      invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad <i>incubi</i>,
+      it remained upon his hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is of
+      the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of the
+      umbrella.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+      curiosity&mdash;so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is not
+      expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+      mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+      further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not what
+      his left hand doeth&mdash;neither does his left hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+      expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an umbrella
+      be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by the hands of
+      its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one, placed all his
+      umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with the keys in his
+      pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called and removed
+      umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is cheaper to lend
+      umbrellas by retail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much romance
+      connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love has blessed
+      the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over the head of a
+      certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the umbrella may be
+      the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound together by an
+      umbrella&mdash;think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies, and grieve
+      that the discovery was not yours!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many a
+      <i>confessio amantis</i> has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of
+      the umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+      height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you can't
+      afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat; and if,
+      on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall, you will
+      probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue style&mdash;to
+      your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude&mdash;and, under such
+      circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best course will be
+      to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation as much as
+      possible.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance with
+      a winning smile to offer an asylum to the <i>stricken dear,</i> the
+      umbrella should blow inside out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+      the marriage tie. He says,
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        "Just as to a big umbrella<br /> Is the handle when 'tis raining.<br /> So
+        unto a man is woman.<br /> Though, the handle bears the burden,<br /> 'Tis
+        the top keeps all the rain off;<br /> Though the top gets all the
+        wetting,<br /> 'Tis the handle still supports it.<br /> So the top is good
+        for nothing<br /> If there isn't any handle;<br /> And the case holds <i>vice
+        versa</i>."
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of similes
+      reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising merchant has for
+      his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS C&aelig;SAR
+      in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war times,
+      and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls being
+      prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let us hope
+      that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close ours.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p8s.gif" alt="Let her stay out in the cold." />
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      ALAS! POOR CUBA!
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <i>Messrs. Fish and Sumner</i>. "LET HER STAY OUT IN THE COLD."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>"Ironing Done Here."</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Right to a Letter.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+      committed larceny as Bailee.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p9s.gif"
+      alt="The descent of the Great Massachusetts Frog upon the newspaper flies." />
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE NEWSPAPER FLIES.
+    </h3>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p11s.gif" alt="'T'" /> o-day I'm sixty-nine&mdash;an
+      Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as old&mdash;I thought so then&mdash;when
+      I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell you, boys&mdash;but perhaps you
+      know it already&mdash;that the oldest figure we ever reach in this world,
+      the point at which we can look over the head of METHUSELAH as easy as you
+      can squint at the pretty girls, is at eighteen and nineteen. Every body
+      else around about that time amounts to little, and less, and nothing at
+      all. What's the "old man"&mdash;your father, at forty-five&mdash;but an
+      old fogy who doesn't understand things at all? Of course not; how could he
+      be expected to? He didn't have the modern advantages. He didn't go to
+      school at five, the dancing academy at seven; nor did he give stunning
+      birthday parties at nine&mdash;not he. He didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in
+      the nursery, learn to swear at the tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at
+      twelve, and flirt at Long Branch, Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The
+      truth is&mdash;you think so&mdash;the Old Man was brought up "slow." And,
+      to tell the truth, you had much rather not be seen with him outside the
+      house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time ago,
+      that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great fool
+      then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see now that
+      what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was a great deal
+      of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I thought amounted
+      to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were merely reflections
+      of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the old man slow, <i>pass&eacute;</i>,
+      stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known I was twice that. What
+      does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice? <i>I</i> didn't&mdash;<i>you</i>
+      don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the left shoulder. Old
+      gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I did go. So did his money.
+      My talent&mdash;if that's what you call it&mdash;was centrifugal, not
+      centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to funds. I made lots of
+      friends&mdash;you should have seen them. They swarmed&mdash; when there
+      was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at other times.
+      At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find I did not know
+      so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the world, and also
+      something of myself. The more I saw and studied the latter individual, the
+      less I thought of him. I began sincerely to believe he was a humbug. At
+      thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had been. By that time he had begun
+      to mend&mdash;had he? He had married, and there was call for mending,
+      equally as to ways, means, and garments. From that hour I cultivated in
+      different fields. My wild oats were all <i>raked</i> in. I was getting
+      away from nineteen very rapidly&mdash;happily receding from the boy of <i>that</i>
+      period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man devoted to domestics and the dailies.
+      The clubs I left behind me&mdash;twice a week. I was at home early&mdash;in
+      the morning. I kept careful watch of my goings and comings&mdash;so did my
+      curious neighbors. I had my family around me&mdash; also sheriffs and
+      trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the community; for I was straight
+      in those times even when in straits. But there was one stand I never did
+      like to take&mdash;anywhere in sight of my tailors. They were ungrateful.
+      I <i>gave</i> them any amount of patronage, and they turned on me and
+      wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the world. It wants much, and
+      it wants it long; and when its bills come in, it is found to be the latter
+      dimensions with an emphasis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+      something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's the
+      beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a good
+      school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants, and that
+      a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the greatest
+      fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You will learn that
+      all women are <i>not</i> angels, nor all people older than yourself "old
+      fogies." You will see that humanity&mdash;or its best type&mdash;is not
+      made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard punches,
+      swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in the
+      proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is one
+      of the noodlest of noodles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+                    Truly,               JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN,
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <i>An Old Boy of Sixty-nine</i>.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        THE INDIAN.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+      only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+      any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often over
+      six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war he
+      becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+      Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move the
+      Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to crooked
+      paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond of rum,
+      they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They are deficient in
+      all metals except brass. This they have in large quantities. The Indian is
+      very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy lies the head that wears a
+      crown," he often scalps his friends to allow them to sleep better. This is
+      touching in the extreme. He is also very hospitable, often treating his
+      captives to a hot Stake. This is also touching&mdash;especially to the
+      captive. He is very ingenious in inventing new modes of locomotion. Riding
+      on a rail is one of these. This is done after dinner, in order to aid the
+      digestion, although they often "settle your hash" in a different way.
+      Indians are independent, and can "paddle their own canoes." It is very
+      picturesque to see an Indian, who is a little elevated, in a Tight canoe
+      when the water is High. (No allusion to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is
+      intended.) Indians are pretty good shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim
+      is correct; but as Miss CAPULET observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in
+      our next.) They are also skilful with the long-bow. This does not,
+      however, indicate that they take an arrow view of things. Not at all.
+      Sometimes, when reduced by famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they
+      dip the points of their arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows,
+      not the Indians) are Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is
+      shown by his line,
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      "Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it probably
+      refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a man. And
+      then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The Western
+      people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang up the
+      fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their feelings.
+      Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of the Period. He
+      has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on a string."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When the <i>Daily Trombone</i> warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+      prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+      doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the <i>Evening Slasher</i>
+      informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+      dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with his
+      Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the <i>Morning
+      Pontoon</i> warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is damaging to
+      the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without doubt, changes her
+      habits of life instanter. When the <i>Sunday Blowpipe</i> sagely informs
+      BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is probably thrown
+      into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the <i>Weekly
+      Gasmeter</i> coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+      double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+      editor, defending his honor and policy. When the <i>Gridiron</i> advises
+      VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret it,
+      beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+      accordance with the advice tendered. When the <i>Daily Pumpkin</i> informs
+      GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Very Fishy!</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+      Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p12s.gif" alt="Emily and pastor" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>RATHER A HARD HIT.</b><br /> <i>Emily, (in conflict with the new
+      Parson.)</i> "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT
+      WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY <i>their</i> PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO
+      THE BEST ADVANTAGE."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and Low
+      Church?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, said he, a High Churchman is a&mdash;&mdash;Well, he is a&mdash;&mdash;Well,
+      I should say he was a&mdash;&mdash;Well, hang me, he is a&mdash;&mdash;a
+      High Old Pharisee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, he is a&mdash;&mdash;Well, I say he is a&mdash;&mdash;Well, some
+      people call him a&mdash;&mdash;Yes, he is a&mdash;&mdash;Well, he is a
+      darned Low Pharisee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory to
+      all interested, as they are to us.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Seasonable Hint.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august presence
+      of the President. April presence would have been the more appropriate
+      expression&mdash;not to say First of April presence.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>"The Long, Long, Weary Day."</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Philadelphia <i>Day</i>.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+      sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be more
+      or less cloudy days throughout the month&mdash;especially more. If the
+      mornings are not foggy, they will be clear&mdash;that is, if the almanacs
+      are not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+      and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+      calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The <i>Tribune</i> extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+      ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+      effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while pursuing
+      his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall in with a gang
+      of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong fellow came along
+      and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong fellow then "went
+      through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse, watch, and magnificent
+      diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate the outrage because the
+      strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd zealously, effectively,
+      persistently"?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>California Bank Ring.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+      green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+      true metal.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>In Vino, etc.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+      his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+      bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+      comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+      localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+      Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+      boilers?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>"Jersey Lightning"</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in New-Jersey,
+      is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Sutro the Dore(r).</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+      out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+      says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus far
+      shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the law&mdash;the
+      royal&mdash;T.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Query.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+      election?
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      BOOK NOTICES.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON. New York:
+      HURD &amp; HOUGHTON.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves of
+      this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+      certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their proper
+      dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a very
+      attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+      Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON &amp; BROTHERS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+      scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country as a
+      "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very tastefully
+      set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter, couched in
+      that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture of which Mr.
+      LELAND excels.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY &amp; SON for a number of photographs of
+      public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+      issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+      celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      SENATE.
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p13s.gif" alt="'A'" /> ction in Congress has not
+      been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the exhilarating sort of
+      entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of a SUMNER, or the wild
+      warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be unseasonable. The Senate is not a
+      faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue goes faster than any body else's in
+      it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator YATES is undeniably Prairie in his
+      oratory; but it is a humiliation. As Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he
+      saw it in its fresh hey-day, we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon
+      mee sole, uno, it is a pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief chronicle
+      of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about without making
+      it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when asked by the Rev.
+      Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart turning up, "I'll pass"
+      to&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      THE HOUSE,
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+      shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+      there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+      said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+      in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+      parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers, by
+      which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had the
+      pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+      Congressional District of the City of New-York. " Well, then, there was a
+      robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+      business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition of
+      several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went through"
+      his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my constituents,
+      before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the priest of the
+      parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that vicinity, and offered
+      him half the proceeds of his future crimes if he would increase his tariff
+      of penances on the opposition firms. The priest drew up a schedule of the
+      Whole Duties of Man. It was practically prohibitory on murders, and
+      robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty per cent <i>ad valorem</i>.
+      The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said he would protect his
+      parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected, and owns an iron and log
+      rolling establishment. The other robbers were driven out of the business.
+      That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the Protective Tariff.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received for
+      his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+      constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic, or
+      other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was behind
+      the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody could be
+      behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the Pennsylvanian
+      bard,
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        You tickle me and<br /> I'll tickle you.
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+      General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+      SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+      could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+      whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army, or
+      of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well without
+      knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers? The more
+      they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and they would
+      take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he didn't want to.
+      He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+      gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+      French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+      Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were carried
+      "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service might get
+      on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <b>Allurements of the Period.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+      and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+      unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+      proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed their
+      might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical managers&mdash;legs
+      of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but no drapery. Thus
+      it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and Nudity in the other,
+      have taken the great public by the forelock and led it to where the
+      minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights quiver. And now the
+      "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the period, a leading
+      attraction on the bills of the Circus being an equestrian performance with
+      "four naked horses."
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Sartorial.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+      the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+      national Breaches.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>A Fatal Technicality.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never become
+      "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you see?&mdash;that
+      letter won't let her.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,<br /> I am thy friend;
+        pray listen, then, to me&mdash;<br /> Nay, do not scalp me!&mdash;may a
+        Friend not speak?<br /> Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.<br />
+        <br /> Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?<br /> For every
+        leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!<br /> Full many strokes the Red Man
+        now receives:<br /> But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?<br />
+        <br /> The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;<br /> The White Man is
+        his foe: he cannot live!<br /> For the Great Spirit tells him, with a
+        frown,<br /> All men shall perish that will not forgive!<br /> <br /> The
+        Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?<br /> But little scales are
+        hanging to thy belt!<br /> Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was
+        filled,<br /> Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?<br /> <br />
+        Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!<br /> Bury the hatchet, and
+        thy arrows break;<br /> Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar&mdash;<br />
+        A Reservation that they cannot take!
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>The Latest from Albany.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      'All O.K. till December.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Up and Down.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+      sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+      light.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Running and Reid-in.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this rate
+      we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Good Roaming Catholics.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Sisters of Charity.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my progress
+      arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that swept with
+      resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine Arts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+      and Lapith&aelig;," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried
+      breathlessly onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with
+      that <i>chef-d'oeuvre</i> of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+      "SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+      appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined and
+      cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+      Poetaster&mdash;pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to
+      have said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+      painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+      painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+      approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in it,"
+      continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and&mdash;" "In a word,"
+      interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full of
+      <i>chic</i>!" (PUGH blushed.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+      to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles away
+      from the Post of Duty!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+      moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+      yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in the
+      distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the "horsenman"&mdash;all
+      these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy of being closely
+      studied by the student of Art.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at once
+      recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that the
+      "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists are
+      ever jealous.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has meaning
+      in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero uses the
+      weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but to
+      accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger. The horse
+      has observable points, too, and especially one that might be called by the
+      superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the extraordinary
+      fore-shortening&mdash;if the expression is in this case allowable&mdash;of
+      that part of the animal which extends from the saddle backward. In this,
+      again, there is a touch of nature that genius only can impart. For what is
+      more conceivable than that the hinder parts of the heroic steed might have
+      been cut away by an unlucky slash with the edge of the sabre? There is
+      precedent for this. Every schoolboy can recall a similar accident which
+      befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he dashed beneath the descending
+      portcullis. And, as from that famous steed's hind-quarters there sprang an
+      arborescent shelter, so, also, as a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do
+      laurels shade that hero's brows.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+      that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+      seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the worth
+      of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+      heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds of
+      praise."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+      approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+      upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+      shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that a daring
+      rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of the picture, had
+      drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit presentment" of the man
+      who had humbled him at Winchester.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+      Winchester!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+      this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears from
+      his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered, that
+      abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What if, after
+      all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What," indeed?
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      CHROMO.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p14s.gif"
+      alt="Charlie shows his little brother how its done" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S, SHOWS HIS LITTLE
+      BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS DONE.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <b>A Long Look-out.</b>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <b>Appropriate.</b>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+      "starring" trip.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      "PLEASE THE PIGS."
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+      daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means a
+      lump of metal; but the <i>World</i> of March 26th has an accidental,
+      though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+      directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the <i>World</i>, not the
+      pig.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+          "Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the following.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+          "What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+      exterminated in Philadelphia."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The <i>World's</i> cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs
+      together nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+          "Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+      gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+      midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a <i>douceur</i>
+      so paltry even as $32.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and policemen,"
+      must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to learn that they
+      are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy characters, that may
+      well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to be seen "between
+      policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the sooner they are
+      "exterminated" the better.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>By a Broom.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of its
+      name to Nausea Street.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <b>Radical Ames.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from Mississippi.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        A.T. Stewart &amp; Co.
+      </h2>
+      HAVE
+      <h2>
+        OPENED THEIR STORE,
+      </h2>
+      <b>COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE</b>
+      <p>
+        BOUNDED BY
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        BROADWAY,<br /> Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth<br /> Streets,
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        AND ARE<br /> DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS<br /> WITH
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>ELEGANT NOVELTIES,</b>
+      </h3>
+      <b>Imported and Selected Expressly for the<br /> Occasion.</b>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        A.T. Stewart &amp; Co.
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        HAVE OPENED
+      </p>
+      <b>5 Cases Extra Quality</b> <i><b>FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,</b></i>
+      <h3>
+        Only 25 cents per Yard.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        ALSO
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS,
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        PARIS MADE
+      </p>
+      <b>SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE</b>
+      <h2>
+        <b>DRESSES,</b>
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+      </h2>
+      &mdash;&mdash;
+      <h3>
+        BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>Extraordinary Bargains</b>
+      </h3>
+      IN
+      <h2>
+        <b>C A R P E T S .</b>
+      </h2>
+      <h2>
+        &mdash;&mdash;<br /> A.T. Stewart &amp; Co.
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        ARE OFFERING
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <b>5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+        $1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+        $2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.</b>
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc.,</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>ELEGANT NOVELTIES</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        BROADWAY,<br /> Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <i>The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+      foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+      are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the</i> MASTERY
+      SYSTEM.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<br /> <b>The Mastery of Languages;</b>
+      </h3>
+      OR,
+      <h3>
+        THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES<br /> IDIOMATICALLY.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+      </p>
+      <b><i>I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series.<br /> II. The Mastery Series.
+      French.<br /> III. The Mastery Series. German.<br /> IV. The Mastery Series.
+      Spanish.</i></b>
+      <p>
+        PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+      </p>
+      <i>From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College.</i>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so astonishing
+      that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be raised as to his
+      credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a
+      study of less than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the
+      newly-acquired language a great variety of subjects."
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.</b>
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "The principle may be explained in a line&mdash;it is first learning the
+      language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+      learn) the language."&mdash;<i>Morning Star</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+      trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+      their expectations."&mdash;<i>Record</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+      method is sound."&mdash;<i>Papers for the Schoolmaster</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."&mdash;<i>Herald</i>
+      (Birmingham.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+      reasonable time."&mdash;<i>Norfolk News</i>.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.</b>
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+      talk."&mdash;<i>Troy Whig</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to give
+      it a trial."&mdash;<i>Rochester Democrat</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "For European travellers this volume is invaluable."&mdash;<i>Worcester
+      Spy</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+      States on receipt of price.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>D. APPLETON &amp; CO., Publishers,</b><br /> 90, 92, and 94 Grand
+        Street, New-York.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <h2>
+      <b>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</b>
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <b><i>Third Edition.</i></b>
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      D. APPLETON &amp; CO.,<br /> 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street,
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Have now ready the Third Edition of
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      <b>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</b>
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+    </h3>
+    <div>
+      From the New-York <i>Evening Express</i>.
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very
+      odor of the flower it takes as its title."
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      From the Philadelphia <i>Inquirer</i>.
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are
+      particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      D.A. &amp; Co. have just published:<br /> A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN
+      THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN.<br /> By Hon. S.S. Cox.
+      Illustrated. Price, $3.<br /> REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF
+      THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE
+      MOST INTERESTING.<br /> By Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1
+      vol. 8vo. $6.<br /> HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND
+      CONSEQUENCES.<br /> By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.<br /> HAND-BOOK OF
+      THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.<br />     I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE
+      MASTERY SERIES.<br />     II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.<br />     III. THE
+      MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.<br /> Price, 50 cents each.<br /> &mdash;&mdash;
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+      price.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        BURCH'S
+      </h3>
+      <h2>
+        <b>Merchant's Restaurant</b>
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        and
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>DINING-ROOM,</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        <b>310 BROADWAY,</b>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <i><b>Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M.<br />     Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3
+      P.M.<br />         Supper from 4 to 7 P.M.</b></i>
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      <b>M.C. BURCH of New-York.</b>
+    </h3>
+    <h3>
+      <b>        A. STOW, of Alabama.</b>
+    </h3>
+    <h3>
+      <b>H.A. CARTER, of Massachusetts.</b>
+    </h3>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        HENRY I. STEPHENS,<br /> ARTIST,
+      </h2>
+      <b>No. 160 Fulton Street,</b>
+    </div>
+    <div>
+      <b>NEW-YORK.</b>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>Important to Newsdealers!</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        ALL ORDERS FOR
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        <b>PUNCHINELLO</b>
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        Will be supplied by
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+      </p>
+      <h2>
+        <b>American News Co.</b>
+      </h2>
+      <b>NEW-YORK.</b>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        J. NICKINSON
+      </h2>
+      BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+      <h2>
+        <b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b>
+      </h2>
+      <p>
+        RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT,
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        HE HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+      same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      OFFICE OF
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br /> 83 Nassau Street.</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        [P.O. Box 2783.]
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <img src="images/pnv1n3_p16s.gif" alt="'Boss' Tweed" />
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF THE YOUNG
+      DEMOCRACY.
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <b><i>(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist
+      could catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)</i></b>
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        <b>Harper's Periodicals.</b>
+      </h2>
+      <h3>
+        <b>Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        <b><em>Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.</em></b>
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+      gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+      or Six Copies for $20.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <h3>
+      <b>HARPER'S CATALOGUE</b>
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper &amp; Brothers
+      personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i><b>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS, New-York.</b></i>
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h2>
+        BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+      </h2>
+      <h3>
+        33 BROADWAY,
+      </h3>
+      <h3>
+        <b>NEW-YORK.</b>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+      <i><b>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</b></i>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+      <b>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+      received.</b>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      </p>
+      <h3>
+        <b>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS</b>
+      </h3>
+      <b>Commences on the first of every month.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+              HENRY SMITH, <i>President.</i><br />         BEEVES B. SELMES, <i>Secretary.</i><br />
+      WALTER ROCHE,   ) <i>Vice Presidents.</i><br /> EDWARD HOGAN. )
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        PUNCHINELLO:
+      </h3>
+      <h2>
+        TERMS TO CLUBS.
+      </h2>
+      &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      <h3>
+        WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+      </h3>
+      FIRST:<br /> <b>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
+      purposes.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      SECOND:<br /> <b>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
+      and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of
+      crochet or fancy work upon them.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      THIRD:<br /> <b>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every
+      thing.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      FOURTH:<br /> <b>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.</b>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all
+      former machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+      complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+      etc., price, $60.
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      WE WILL SEND THE
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.<br /> No. 1 Crochet,
+      price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.<br /> No. 2 Crochet, price, $15, for
+      6 subscribers and $24.<br /> No. 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, price,
+      $30, for 12 subscribers and $48.<br /> No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,
+      price, $33, for 13 subscribers and $52.<br /> No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100
+      needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.<br /> No. 4 Automatic
+      Knitter, 2 cylinders, 1 72 needles, 1 100 needles, price $ 40, for 16
+      subscribers and $64.<br /> No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+      Machine, price, $75, for 20 subscribers and $120. <br /> No. 1. American
+      Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price
+      $60, for 25 subscribers and $100.<br />
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        <b>Descriptive Circulars</b>
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+      full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+      seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+      and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+      single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+      on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+      Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+      express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+      error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+      State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+      quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in
+      the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to subscription.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to:
+    </p>
+    <div>
+      <h3>
+        PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY<br /> P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street,<br />
+        New-York.
+      </h3>
+    </div>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 9549-h.htm or 9549-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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@@ -0,0 +1,2618 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Posting Date: January 18, 2013 [EBook #9549]
+Release Date: December, 2005
+First Posted: October 8, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald
+Holder and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim
+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
+of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed any where.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
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+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
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+
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+
+AND AT
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This
+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage ant to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Irae.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CAESAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passe_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithae," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, APRIL 16, 1870 ***
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+#3 in our series of Punchinello
+
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+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9549]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald Holder
+and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim
+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
+of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed any where.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+AND AT
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This
+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage ant to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Irae.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CAESAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passe_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithae," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+This file should be named 7p10310.txt or 7p10310.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10311.txt
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+#3 in our series of Punchinello
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9549]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald Holder
+and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim
+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
+of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed any where.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+AND AT
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
+all former machines, making, in addition to all the work done on best
+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
+BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;
+
+in all fabrics.
+
+Machine, with finely finished
+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This
+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage ant to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Iræ.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CÆSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passé_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithæ," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+This file should be named 8p10310.txt or 8p10310.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10311.txt
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