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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+#3 in our series of Punchinello
+
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+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9549]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald Holder
+and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
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+
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+
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+
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+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
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+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
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+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+AND AT
+
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+
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+instruction given to purchasers.
+
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+
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+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
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+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Irae.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CAESAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passe_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithae," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+This file should be named 7p10310.txt or 7p10310.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7p10311.txt
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+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END*
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870, by Various
+#3 in our series of Punchinello
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December, 2005 [EBook #9549]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Ronald Holder
+and the Online Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+"The printing House of the United States."
+
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+
+General JOB PRINTERS, BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS, Wholesale
+and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers
+and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and
+COLOR Printers.
+
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under the immediate
+supervision of the proprietors.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALTHAM WATCHES.
+
+3-4 PLATE.
+
+16 and 20 Sizes.
+
+To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have devoted all
+the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently claim
+that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences
+of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these
+watches are unsurpassed any where.
+
+In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches is not
+even attempted except at Waltham.
+
+FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN
+
+COD-LIVER OIL.
+
+"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any Cod-Liver Oil
+that patients can digest, owing to the objectionable mode of procuring
+and preparing the livers.... Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares
+an oil which is perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be
+wished."--DR. L.A. SATRE, before Academy of Medicine. See _Medical
+Record_, December, 1869, p. 447.
+
+SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.
+
+W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Vol. 1 No. 3.
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
+
+SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKINSON,
+
+Room No. 4,
+
+83 NASSAU STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE
+
+"BREWSTER WAGON."
+
+The Standard for Style and Quality.
+
+BREWSTER & COMPANY,
+
+of Broome Street.
+
+WAREROOMS,
+
+Fifth Avenue, corner of Fourteenth Street.
+
+ELEGANT CARRIAGES,
+
+_In all the Fashionable Varieties,_
+
+EXCLUSIVELY OF OUR OWN BUILD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,
+
+29 LIBERTY STREET,
+
+New-York,
+
+MANUFACTURERS OF THE
+
+_Finest Cigars made in the United States._ All sizes and styles. Prices
+very moderate. Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of
+the
+
+"FUSROS" BRAND,
+
+Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from ten to
+twenty per cent cheaper.
+
+Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by calling at
+
+20 LIBERTY STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. BOWLEND,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+Room No. 11,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR, Wood Engravers,
+
+No. 208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
+of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
+positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the
+
+NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
+and thereafter weekly.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
+become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
+secured a
+
+VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
+
+in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
+to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
+
+PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
+vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
+superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
+sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
+thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
+
+The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
+celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
+humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
+specialties.
+
+The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
+with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
+identified with VANITY FAIR.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
+sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
+acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
+inclosed.
+
+Terms:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
+specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
+copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
+$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+NEW-YORK,
+
+P. O. Box, 2783.
+
+_(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_
+
+Mercantile Library,
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS,
+
+$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.
+
+TO OTHERS, $5 a year.
+
+SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+AT
+
+NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,
+
+AND AT
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
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+
+AMERICAN
+
+BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING
+
+AND
+
+SEWING-MACHINE CO.,
+
+563 Broadway, New-York.
+
+This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
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+Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful
+
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+
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+
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+
+OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER
+
+complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, $60. This
+last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to manage ant to keep
+in order, of any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full
+instruction given to purchasers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY SPEAR
+
+STATIONER, PRINTER
+
+AND
+
+BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER.
+
+ACCOUNT BOOKS
+
+MADE TO ORDER.
+
+PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
+
+82 Wall Street
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+FROU-FROU.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
+THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
+seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
+woman.
+
+The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
+The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
+hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
+he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
+insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
+left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
+riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
+rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
+
+After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
+orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
+rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
+This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
+gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
+saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
+not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
+evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
+
+The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
+clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
+any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
+small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
+evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
+
+_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
+pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
+aristocracy?"
+
+_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
+listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
+(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
+Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
+the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
+don't know much about them."
+
+_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
+unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
+the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
+
+"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
+boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
+sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
+refrains_.)
+
+The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
+jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
+She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
+position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
+her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
+
+_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
+me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
+
+_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
+much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
+as a housekeeper?"
+
+_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
+refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
+play alone."
+
+(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
+pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
+FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
+misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
+conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
+VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
+
+_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
+divorce, and marry LOUISE."
+
+_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
+overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
+think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
+more vulgar."
+
+_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
+confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
+acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
+ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
+delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
+rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
+hearing_.)
+
+After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
+fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
+Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
+amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
+
+_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
+ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
+THOMPSON."
+
+_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
+trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
+_Monsieur_?"
+
+_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
+pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
+does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
+about?"
+
+_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
+(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
+
+"What? I didn't quite hear."
+
+_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
+me, but the curtain is rising."
+
+FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
+arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
+feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
+and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
+FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
+the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
+save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
+
+_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
+Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
+immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
+
+With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
+critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
+parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
+actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
+ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
+personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
+the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
+Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
+pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
+with her back-hair down?
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
+
+The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
+PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
+neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
+They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
+keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
+let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
+to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
+gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
+arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
+Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
+them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
+Public Opinion to which they run counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Will the Aldermen Respond?
+
+Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
+
+[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
+Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
+
+HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
+
+Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
+families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
+parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
+writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
+cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
+of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
+to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
+us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
+boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
+by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
+further advice of the same valuable character.
+
+It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
+certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
+children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
+baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
+then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
+prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
+grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
+little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
+in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
+If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
+observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
+family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
+The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
+sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
+it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
+and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
+arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
+make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
+
+After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
+out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
+But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
+palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
+the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
+soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
+eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
+When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
+molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
+to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
+preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
+every meal.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
+CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
+to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
+furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
+ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
+families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
+provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
+epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
+of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
+in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
+small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
+to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
+lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
+Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
+and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
+fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
+which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
+tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
+behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
+the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
+tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
+apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
+thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
+the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
+and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
+article would be very much more costly.
+
+In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
+of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
+please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
+it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
+of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
+frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
+variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
+thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
+piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
+the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
+now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
+will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
+follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
+forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
+be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
+convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
+entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
+the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
+of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
+certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dies Iræ.
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sporting Query.
+
+Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
+
+A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
+the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
+
+Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
+the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
+provisions being strictly in character:)
+
+1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
+and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
+
+All women to be killed on sight.
+
+Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
+
+2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
+whisky.
+
+3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
+
+4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
+breeding season.
+
+5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
+
+6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
+camp.
+
+7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
+be sacredly regarded.
+
+8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
+
+9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
+
+10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
+tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
+or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
+
+Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
+
+[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
+YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
+BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
+
+A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
+
+IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
+High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
+intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
+Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
+men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
+Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
+enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
+accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
+decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
+celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
+drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
+BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
+he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
+Brick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
+the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
+JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
+once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
+her the lecturer said,
+
+"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
+
+She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
+modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
+breeches."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cool.
+
+ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
+
+One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
+delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
+bouquets of flowers:"
+
+  "With hungry eyes we glanced adown
+  The table nicely spread;
+  Our appetites were very keen,
+  And not one word was said,
+
+
+  "Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
+  Gave token of delight,
+  As, from a magic flower-bed.
+  Bright buds appeared in sight.
+
+
+  "May this sweet thought suggest the way
+  In which to spend life's hours;
+  And we endeavor every day
+  To scatter fragrant flowers."
+
+The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
+of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
+is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
+Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
+though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
+"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
+nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
+bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
+very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
+that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
+something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
+sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
+astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
+R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
+to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
+perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
+delight."
+
+Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
+the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee
+  Improve each shining hour,
+  And gather honey all the day
+  From every opening flower!"
+
+We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
+that is to "suggest the way"
+
+"In which to spend life's hours!"
+
+Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
+"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
+that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
+delight."
+
+"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
+and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
+rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suggestive.
+
+Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Rise Early.
+
+Lie with your head to the (y)east.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query for Barney Williams.
+
+Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not During Lent.
+
+IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
+Cabinet during Lent.
+
+THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
+PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
+these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
+why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
+the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
+youth?
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
+MAN.]
+
+We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
+who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
+principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
+(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
+lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
+even with the best of reference.
+
+There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
+younger walks of age take on this armor.
+
+Where is the need?
+
+Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
+husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
+
+Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
+ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
+the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
+such in the future.
+
+[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
+SINGEIN'!"]
+
+There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
+heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
+disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
+society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
+
+Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
+his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
+nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
+the possibility of a peradventure.
+
+They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
+pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
+know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
+labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
+wait for some time.
+
+It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
+that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
+themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
+tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
+
+Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
+woman's mission: they want to work.
+
+Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
+one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
+themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
+much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
+talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
+poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
+
+If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
+you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
+
+Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
+overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
+who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
+temptation in that direction.
+
+As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
+good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
+continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
+every thing will be satisfactory.
+
+Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
+has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
+_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
+statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
+
+In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
+time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
+and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
+court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
+Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
+the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
+"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
+missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
+rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
+and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
+"dine at--where?"
+
+Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
+has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
+Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
+than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
+past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
+greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
+Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
+now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
+respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
+the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
+CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
+whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
+sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
+Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
+is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
+wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
+to his whereabouts.
+
+PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
+in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
+continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
+by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
+practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
+States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
+a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
+styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gay Young Joker.
+
+Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
+since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
+
+"TWEED 'l win."
+
+"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
+
+"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
+one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
+New-York."
+
+SEWARD smiled.
+
+PHILADELVINGS.
+
+"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
+maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
+and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
+only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
+D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
+banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
+people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
+hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
+to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
+placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
+one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
+sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
+and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
+little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
+the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
+pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
+but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
+year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
+should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
+the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
+presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
+should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
+be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
+be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
+the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
+wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
+the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
+will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
+
+He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
+brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
+to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
+thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
+citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
+a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
+buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
+and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
+hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
+women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
+every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
+Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
+Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
+very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
+"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
+open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
+upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
+nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
+vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
+worthy of a metropolis.
+
+PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
+decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
+our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
+and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
+When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
+one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
+Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
+substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
+leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
+extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
+PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
+soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
+children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
+progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
+compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
+have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
+build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
+their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
+and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
+little gutter running over its pavement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Lost at Sea."
+
+BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
+
+FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
+Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
+Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
+pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
+Pennsylvania.
+
+If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
+behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
+Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
+thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
+cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
+and good to say "Cheap."
+
+If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
+our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
+fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
+little water!
+
+Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
+thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
+Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
+his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
+trust to the laws of Providence.
+
+But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
+thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
+accords not with idleness.
+
+We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
+having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
+traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
+might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
+
+This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
+Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
+not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
+which no man living can foresee.
+
+I remain, thine in peace,
+
+PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
+
+PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
+Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing Like Leather.
+
+A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
+administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
+night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
+find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
+with a good-sized Black--and tan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Raising Cain."
+
+The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
+which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
+the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
+however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
+the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
+doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
+so extensively in that section.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good for a "Horse Laugh."
+
+What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
+and ROSA BONHEUR?
+
+The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
+Woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Drawn Battle.
+
+Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Suggestion.
+
+It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
+In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
+to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
+
+
+
+THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
+
+It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
+Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
+be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
+flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
+that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
+you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
+in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
+enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
+his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
+remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
+umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
+addicted to petty larceny.
+
+DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
+man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
+it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
+_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
+
+This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
+of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
+the umbrella.
+
+The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
+curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
+not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
+mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
+further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
+what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
+
+A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
+expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
+umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
+the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
+placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
+the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
+and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
+cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
+
+Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
+romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
+has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
+the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
+umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
+together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
+and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
+
+How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
+a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
+umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
+
+The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
+height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
+can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
+and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
+you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
+
+Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
+style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
+under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
+course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
+as much as possible.
+
+It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
+with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
+umbrella should blow inside out.
+
+The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
+the marriage tie. He says,
+
+  "Just as to a big umbrella
+  Is the handle when 'tis raining.
+  So unto a man is woman.
+  Though, the handle bears the burden,
+  'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
+  Though the top gets all the wetting,
+  'Tis the handle still supports it.
+  So the top is good for nothing
+  If there isn't any handle;
+  And the case holds _vice versa_."
+
+All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
+similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
+merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
+
+Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
+CÆSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
+times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
+being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
+us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
+ours.
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
+OUT IN THE COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ironing Done Here."
+
+CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Right to a Letter.
+
+THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
+committed larceny as Bailee.
+
+[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
+NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
+
+[blank page]
+
+AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'T']
+
+To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
+old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
+you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
+ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
+of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
+eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
+little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
+at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
+Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
+advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
+seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
+didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
+tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
+Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
+Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
+not be seen with him outside the house.
+
+You are "one of the boys" now. I was, fifty years since. A long time
+ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
+fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
+now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
+a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
+thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
+merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
+old man slow, _passé_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
+I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
+_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
+left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
+did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
+centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
+funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
+when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
+other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
+I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
+world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
+latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
+believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
+been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
+there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
+From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
+_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
+receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
+devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
+a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
+goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
+me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
+community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
+there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
+tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
+and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
+world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
+it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
+
+Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
+something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
+the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
+good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
+and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
+greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
+will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
+yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
+not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
+punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
+the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
+one of the noodlest of noodles.
+
+Truly,
+
+JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIAN.
+
+Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
+only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
+any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
+over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
+he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
+Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
+the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
+crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
+of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
+are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
+quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
+lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
+them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
+hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
+touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
+new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
+after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
+your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
+their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
+little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
+to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
+shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
+observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
+skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
+take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
+famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
+arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
+Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
+
+"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
+
+What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
+probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
+man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
+Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
+up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
+feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
+the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
+a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
+prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
+doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
+informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
+dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
+his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
+_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
+damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
+doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
+sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
+probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
+_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
+double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
+editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
+VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
+it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
+accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
+GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Fishy!
+
+An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
+Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
+
+[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
+
+_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
+CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
+_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
+
+We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
+Low Church?
+
+We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
+
+Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
+say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
+
+We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
+
+Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
+Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
+
+We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
+to all interested, as they are to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Seasonable Hint.
+
+One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
+presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
+appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
+
+The Philadelphia _Day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
+
+About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
+sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
+more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
+mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
+not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
+and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
+calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREELEY ON BAILEY.
+
+The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
+ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
+effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
+pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
+in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
+fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
+fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
+watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
+the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
+zealously, effectively, persistently"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+California Bank Ring.
+
+The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
+green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
+true metal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vino, etc.
+
+Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
+
+Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
+his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
+bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
+comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
+localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
+Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
+boilers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Jersey Lightning"
+
+That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
+New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sutro the Dore(r).
+
+Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
+out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
+says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
+far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
+law--the royal--T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Query.
+
+Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
+election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOK NOTICES.
+
+A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
+
+New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
+
+A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
+of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
+certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
+proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
+very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
+
+HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
+Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
+
+Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
+scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
+as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
+tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
+couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
+of which Mr. LELAND excels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
+public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
+issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
+celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration with letter 'A']
+
+Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
+exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
+a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
+unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
+goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
+YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
+Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
+we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
+pudding-headed lot of duffers."
+
+
+PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
+chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
+without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
+asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
+turning up, "I'll pass" to--
+
+THE HOUSE,
+
+which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
+shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
+there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
+said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
+in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
+parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
+by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
+the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
+Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
+a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
+business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
+of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
+through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
+constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
+priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
+vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
+he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
+priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
+prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
+per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
+he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
+and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
+driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
+Protective Tariff.
+
+Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
+for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
+constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
+or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
+behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
+could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
+Pennsylvanian bard,
+
+  You tickle me and
+  I'll tickle you.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
+General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
+SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
+could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
+whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
+or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
+without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
+The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
+they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
+didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
+
+Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
+gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
+French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
+Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
+carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
+might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Allurements of the Period.
+
+Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
+and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
+unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
+proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
+their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
+managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
+no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
+Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
+led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
+quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
+period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
+equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sartorial.
+
+A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
+the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
+national Breaches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Fatal Technicality.
+
+"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
+become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
+see?--that letter won't let her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
+  I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
+  Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
+  Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
+
+
+  Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
+  For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
+  Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
+  But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
+
+
+  The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
+  The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
+  For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
+  All men shall perish that will not forgive!
+
+
+  The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
+  But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
+  Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
+  Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
+
+
+  Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
+  Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
+  Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
+  A Reservation that they cannot take!
+
+
+
+The Latest from Albany.
+
+'All--O.K. till December.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Up and Down.
+
+The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
+sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
+light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Running and Reid-in.
+
+And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
+rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good Roaming Catholics.
+
+The Sisters of Charity.
+
+A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
+
+PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
+
+Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
+progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
+swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
+Arts.
+
+I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
+and Lapithæ," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
+onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
+_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
+"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
+
+Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
+appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
+and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
+Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
+said.
+
+From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
+painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
+painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
+approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
+it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
+interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
+of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
+
+Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
+to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
+away from the Post of Duty!
+
+The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
+moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
+yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
+the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
+"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
+of being closely studied by the student of Art.
+
+As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
+once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
+the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
+are ever jealous.)
+
+It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
+meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
+uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
+to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
+The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
+be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
+extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
+allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
+backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
+can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
+the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
+edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
+recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
+dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
+steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
+a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
+
+My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
+that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
+seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
+
+There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
+worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
+heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
+of praise."
+
+Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
+approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
+upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
+
+Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
+shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
+a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
+the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
+presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
+
+Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
+Winchester!"
+
+"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
+
+Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
+this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
+from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
+that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
+if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
+
+"What," indeed?
+
+CHROMO.
+
+[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
+SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
+DONE.]
+
+A Long Look-out.
+
+The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Appropriate.
+
+Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
+"starring" trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE THE PIGS."
+
+Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
+daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
+a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
+though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
+directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
+pig.)
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
+
+Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
+following.
+
+"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
+exterminated in Philadelphia."
+
+The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
+nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
+
+"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
+gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
+midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
+_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.
+
+Such hybrids as Philadelphia drunken women, "between hogs and
+policemen," must be extremely disagreeable objects, and we are glad to
+learn that they are nearly extinct. Here we are much worse off. Rowdy
+characters, that may well be compared to "hogs," but are not often to
+be seen "between policemen," are far too plentiful in New-York, and the
+sooner they are "exterminated" the better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Broom.
+
+Nassau street is in such a filthy condition as to suggest a change of
+its name to Nausea Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Radical Ames.
+
+To be Military Commander, and then United States Senator from
+Mississippi.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED THEIR STORE,
+
+COVERING THE ENTIRE SQUARE BOUNDED BY BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, Ninth and
+Tenth Streets,
+
+AND ARE DAILY REPLENISHING ALL THE VARIOUS STOCKS WITH
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES, Imported and Selected Expressly for the Occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co. HAVE OPENED 5 Cases Extra Quality
+
+_FRENCH PLAID BAREGES,_ Only 25 cents per Yard.
+
+ALSO
+
+FRENCH AND IRISH POPLINS, PARIS MADE
+
+SILK FOULARDS AND BAREGE DRESSES, SOME VERY ELEGANT.
+
+Ladies' Paris-Made Hats, Bonnets, Feathers, Flowers, etc.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extraordinary Bargains IN CARPETS.
+
+A.T. Stewart & Co.
+
+ARE OFFERING
+
+5 Frame English Brussels at $2 per Yard. Tapestry English Brussels at
+$1.50 per Yd. Velvets at $2.50 and $2.75 per Yard. Royal Wiltons at
+$2.50 and $3 per Yard. Moquettes and Axminsters at $3.50 and $4.
+
+INGRAINS, THREE-PLYS, Etc., AT GREAT REDUCED PRICES.
+
+ELEGANT NOVELTIES RECEIVED BY EVERY STEAMER.
+
+BROADWAY, Fourth Avenue, and Tenth Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be to speak a
+foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce it correctly; and these
+are the objects which are most carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY
+SYSTEM.
+
+The Mastery of Languages;
+
+OR,
+
+THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY.
+
+BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST,
+
+_ I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. II. The Mastery Series. French.
+III. The Mastery Series. German. IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._
+
+PRICE 50 CENTS EACH.
+
+_From Professor E.M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute College._
+
+"The results which crowned the labor of the first week were so
+astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest doubts should be
+raised as to his credibility. But this much he does not hesitate to
+claim, that, after a study of less than two weeks, he was able to
+sustain conversation in the newly-acquired language a great variety of
+subjects."
+
+FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS.
+
+"The principle may be explained in a line--it is first learning the
+language, and then studying the grammar, and then learning (or trying to
+learn) the language."--_Morning Star_.
+
+"We know that there are some who have given Mr. Prendergast's plan a
+trial, and discovered that in a few weeks its results had surpassed all
+their expectations."--_Record_.
+
+"A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced us that the
+method is sound."--_Papers for the Schoolmaster_.
+
+"The simplicity and naturalness of the system are obvious."--_Herald_
+(Birmingham.)
+
+"We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the result in a
+reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_.
+
+FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS.
+
+"The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child learns to
+talk."--_Troy Whig_.
+
+"We would advise all who are about to begin the study of languages to
+give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_.
+
+"For European travellers this volume is invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_.
+
+Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of the United
+States on receipt of price.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers,
+
+90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+_Third Edition._
+
+D. APPLETON & CO., 90, 92, AND 94 Grand Street, Have now ready the Third
+Edition of
+
+RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.
+
+By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."
+
+1 Vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.
+
+From the New-York _Evening Express_. "This is truly a charming novel;
+for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as
+its title."
+
+From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. "The author can and does write well;
+the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic,
+and never overstrained."
+
+D.A. & Co. have just published:
+
+A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND
+SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.
+
+REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A
+DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST INTERESTING. By Louis
+Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. 8vo. $6.
+
+HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. By Francis
+Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.
+
+HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES.
+
+I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH.
+III. THE MASTER SERIES, SPANISH.
+
+Price, 50 cents each.
+
+Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on receipt of the
+price.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BURCH'S
+
+Merchant's Restaurant
+
+and
+
+DINING-ROOM,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS.
+
+_Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M._ _Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M._
+_Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._
+
+M.C. BURCH of New-York. A. STOW, of Alabama. H.A. CARTER, of
+Massachusetts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY I. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Important to Newsdealers!
+
+ALL ORDERS FOR
+
+PUNCHINELLO
+
+Will be supplied by
+
+OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,
+
+American News Co.
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE HE HAS MADE
+ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE OF
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the
+same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+[P.O. Box 2783.]
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+APRIL 16, 1870.
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING APPARITION OF SACHEM TWEED, TO A COMMITTEE OF
+THE YOUNG DEMOCRACY.
+
+_(Commissioner McLean was the only one of the fugitives our Artist could
+catch, the rest having vanished around the corner.)_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Harper's Periodicals.
+
+Magazine. Weekly. Bazar.
+
+Subscription Price, $4 per year each. $10 for the three.
+
+An Extra Copy of either the MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, or BAZAR will be supplied
+gratis for every Club of Five Subscribers at $4 each, in one remittance;
+or Six Copies for $20.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARPER'S CATALOGUE
+
+May be obtained gratuitously on application to Harper & Brothers
+personally, or by letter, inclosing six cents in postage-stamps.
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS, New-York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLING GREEN SAVINGS-BANK
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW-YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be
+received.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the first of every month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, President. BEEVES B. SELMES, Secretary. WALTER ROCHE, Vice
+Presidents. EDWARD HOGAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO:
+
+TERMS TO CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
+
+FIRST: DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, The most complete and
+desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
+
+SECOND: BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. These beautiful
+little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady
+should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or
+fancy work upon them.
+
+THIRD: BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. This is the most perfect and
+complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
+
+FOURTH: AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. This great
+combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former
+machines. No. 1. with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover,
+complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the button hole parts,
+etc., price, $60.
+
+WE WILL SEND THE
+
+  Family Spinner,                     price, $8, for  4 subscribers and $16.
+  No. 1 Crochet,                        "     8,  "   4      "       "   16.
+  "  2    "                             "    15,  "   6      "       "   24.
+  "  1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles,   "    30,  "  12      "       "   48.
+  "  2     "        "     84    "       "    33,  "  13      "       "   52.
+  No. 3     "        "    100 needles, price $37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
+  "  4     "        "     2 cylinders
+  1 72 needles )"    40,  "  16      "       "   64.
+  1 100 needles)
+
+No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for
+20 subscribers and $120. No. 1. American Buttonhole and Overseaming
+Machine, without buttonhole parts, etc., price $60, for 25 subscribers
+and $100.
+
+Descriptive Circulars
+
+Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
+full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
+
+Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
+seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
+and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
+single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
+
+Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
+on New-York City; or if these cannot be obtained, then by Registered
+Letters, which any post-master will furnish. Charges on money sent by
+express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.
+
+Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
+error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
+State. The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
+quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers
+in the British Provinces will remit twenty cents in addition to
+subscription.
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: PUNCHINELLO
+PUBLISHING COMPANY P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 3, April 16,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 3 ***
+
+This file should be named 8p10310.txt or 8p10310.zip
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8p10311.txt
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