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diff --git a/old/972.txt b/old/972.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0c941ea..0000000 --- a/old/972.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9560 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Devil's Dictionary - -Author: Ambrose Bierce - -Posting Date: July 26, 2008 [EBook #972] -[Last updated: August 22, 2015] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY *** - - - - -Produced by Aloysius - - - - - -THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY - -by Ambrose Bierce - - - - -AUTHOR'S PREFACE - -_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was -continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that -year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The -Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to -reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the -present work: - -"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by -the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the -work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out -in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a -score of 'cynic' books--_The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and -_The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though -some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they -brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing -it was discredited in advance of publication." - -Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country -had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, -and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had -become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is -made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial -of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely -resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to -whom the work is addressed--enlightened souls who prefer dry wines -to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. - -A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book -is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of -whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, -S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly -encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly -indebted. - -A.B. - - - - -A - - - -ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence -of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when -addressing an employer. - -ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside -from molesting the rubbish inside. - -ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the -high temperature of the throne. - - Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication - Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. - For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: - She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. - To History she'll be no royal riddle-- - Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. - -G.J. - - -ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with -sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient -faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at -the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence -for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a -free hand in the world's marketing the race would become -graminivorous. - -ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of -the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the -last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high -degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is -rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. - -ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and -conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be -detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the -straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. -Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and -the hope of Hell. - -ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a -newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. - -ABRACADABRA. - - By _Abracadabra_ we signify - An infinite number of things. - 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? - And Whence? and Whither?--a word whereby - The Truth (with the comfort it brings) - Is open to all who grope in night, - Crying for Wisdom's holy light. - - Whether the word is a verb or a noun - Is knowledge beyond my reach. - I only know that 'tis handed down. - From sage to sage, - From age to age-- - An immortal part of speech! - - Of an ancient man the tale is told - That he lived to be ten centuries old, - In a cave on a mountain side. - (True, he finally died.) - The fame of his wisdom filled the land, - For his head was bald, and you'll understand - His beard was long and white - And his eyes uncommonly bright. - - Philosophers gathered from far and near - To sit at his feet and hear and hear, - Though he never was heard - To utter a word - But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, - _Abracada, abracad_, - _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" - 'Twas all he had, - 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each - Made copious notes of the mystical speech, - Which they published next-- - A trickle of text - In a meadow of commentary. - Mighty big books were these, - In number, as leaves of trees; - In learning, remarkable--very! - - He's dead, - As I said, - And the books of the sages have perished, - But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. - In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, - Like an ancient bell that forever swings. - O, I love to hear - That word make clear - Humanity's General Sense of Things. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. - - When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for - people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of - mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel - them to the separation. - -Oliver Cromwell - - -ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- -shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most -affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another -author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." - -ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the -property of another. - - Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; - The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - -Phela Orm - - -ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; -hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection -of another. - - To men a man is but a mind. Who cares - What face he carries or what form he wears? - But woman's body is the woman. O, - Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, - But heed the warning words the sage hath said: - A woman absent is a woman dead. - -Jogo Tyree - - -ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to -remove himself from the sphere of exaction. - -ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is -one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases -the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them -having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's -power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, -which are governed by chance. - -ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying -himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from -everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the -affairs of others. - - Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought - You a total abstainer, my son." - "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught-- - "But not, sir, a bigoted one." - -G.J. - - -ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with -one's own opinion. - -ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were -taught. - -ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is -taught. - -ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable -natural laws. - -ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty -knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, -knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the -matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one -having offered them a fee for assenting. - -ACCORD, n. Harmony. - -ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an -assassin. - -ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. - - "My accountability, bear in mind," - Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," - Said the Shah: "I do--'tis the only kind - Of ability you possess." - -Joram Tate - - -ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a -justification of ourselves for having wronged him. - -ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who -absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar -had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de -Joinville. - -ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. - -ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's -faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. - -ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, -but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight -when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or -famous. - -ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. - -ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. - -ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in -solicitate of gold. - -ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding -funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. - -ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects -to get. - -ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to -receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of -straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. - -ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the -figure-head does the thinking. - -ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to -ourselves. - -ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. - - Consigned by way of admonition, - His soul forever to perdition. - -Judibras - - -ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. - -ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. - - "The man was in such deep distress," - Said Tom, "that I could do no less - Than give him good advice." Said Jim: - "If less could have been done for him - I know you well enough, my son, - To know that's what you would have done." - -Jebel Jocordy - - -AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. - -AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for -another and bitter world. - -AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. - -AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that -we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the -enterprise to commit. - -AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors ---to dislodge the worms. - -AIM, n. - - The task we set our wishes to. - "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" - She tenderly inquired. - "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; - The fact is--I have fired." - -G.J. - - -AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for -the fattening of the poor. - -ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving -with a pretence of open marauding. - -ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. - -ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the -Christian, Jewish, and so forth. - - Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, - And ever for the sins of man have wept; - And sometimes kneeling in the temple I - Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. - -Junker Barlow - - -ALLEGIANCE, n. - - This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, - Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, - Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed - To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. - -G.J. - - -ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who -have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they -cannot separately plunder a third. - -ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to -the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus -says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces -crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the -other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a -sawrian. - -ALONE, adj. In bad company. - - In contact, lo! the flint and steel, - By spark and flame, the thought reveal - That he the metal, she the stone, - Had cherished secretly alone. - -Booley Fito - - -ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the -small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination -and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, -except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a -male and a female tool. - - They stood before the altar and supplied - The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. - In vain the sacrifice!--no god will claim - An offering burnt with an unholy flame. - -M.P. Nopput - - -AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket -or a left. - -AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while -living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would -be too expensive to punish. - -ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already -sufficiently slippery. - - As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, - So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. - -Judibras - - -ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. - -APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. - - The flabby wine-skin of his brain - Yields to some pathologic strain, - And voids from its unstored abysm - The driblet of an aphorism. - -"The Mad Philosopher," 1697 - - -APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. - -APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle -only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient -to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. - -APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor -and grave worm's provider. - - When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, - And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, - That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth - Disease for the apothecary's health, - Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: - "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" - -G.J. - - -APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. - -APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a -solution to the labor question. - -APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. - -APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. - -ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a -bishop. - - If I were a jolly archbishop, - On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up-- - Salmon and flounders and smelts; - On other days everything else. - -Jodo Rem - - -ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft -of your money. - -ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. - -ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman -wrestles with his record. - -ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word -is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy -hats and clean shirts--guilty of education and suspected of bank -accounts. - -ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a -blacksmith. - -ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter -hanged to a lamppost. - -ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. - - God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. - -_The Unauthorized Version_ - - -ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom -it greatly affects in turn. - - "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," - Consenting, he did speak up; - "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, - Than put it in my teacup." - -Joel Huck - - -ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as -follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. - - One day a wag--what would the wretch be at?-- - Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, - And said it was a god's name! Straight arose - Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, - And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, - And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) - To serve his temple and maintain the fires, - Expound the law, manipulate the wires. - Amazed, the populace that rites attend, - Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, - And, inly edified to learn that two - Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) - Have sweeter values and a grace more fit - Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, - Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, - And sell their garments to support the priests. - -ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by -long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased -to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. - -ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which -one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. - -ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia -City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, -and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously -celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and -country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this -noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. -II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a -god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we -may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two -animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of -men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers -the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written -about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and -magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which -clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all -literature is more or less Asinine. - - "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; - "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" - Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: - God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" - -G.J. - - -AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked -a pocket with his tongue. - -AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and -commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate -dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an -island. - -AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal -regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by -a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have -suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, -has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. - - _Facilis descensus Averni,_ - The poet remarks; and the sense - Of it is that when down-hill I turn I - Will get more of punches than pence. - -Jehal Dai Lupe - - - - - -B - - - -BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. -As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had -the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous -account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his -glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word -"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As -Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays -on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, -and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the -priests of Guttledom. - -BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or -condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and -antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. -There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose -adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries -before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being -preserved on a floating lotus leaf. - - Ere babes were invented - The girls were contended. - Now man is tormented - Until to buy babes he has squandered - His money. And so I have pondered - This thing, and thought may be - 'T were better that Baby - The First had been eagled or condored. - -Ro Amil - - -BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse -for getting drunk. - - Is public worship, then, a sin, - That for devotions paid to Bacchus - The lictors dare to run us in, - And resolutely thump and whack us? - -Jorace - - -BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to -contemplate in your adversity. - -BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find -you. - -BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The -best kind is beauty. - -BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself -in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is -performed with water in two ways--by immersion, or plunging, and by -aspersion, or sprinkling. - - But whether the plan of immersion - Is better than simple aspersion - Let those immersed - And those aspersed - Decide by the Authorized Version, - And by matching their agues tertian. - -G.J. - - -BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of -weather we are having. - -BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of -which it is their business to deprive others. - -BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg -of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. -Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator -saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment -for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno -afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing -is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, -but the cocks have stopped laying. - -BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. - -BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, -with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. - - The man who taketh a steam bath - He loseth all the skin he hath, - And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, - Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, - Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling - With dirty vapors of the boiling. - -Richard Gwow - - -BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot -that would not yield to the tongue. - -BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly -execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. - -BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a -husband. - -BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. - -BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the -belief that it will not be given. - - Who is that, father? - A mendicant, child, - Haggard, morose, and unaffable--wild! - See how he glares through the bars of his cell! - With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. - - Why did they put him there, father? - - Because - Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. - - His belly? - - Oh, well, he was starving, my boy-- - A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. - No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry - Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" - - What's the matter with pie? - - With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; - To beg was unlawful--improper as well. - - Why didn't he work? - - He would even have done that, - But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" - I mention these incidents merely to show - That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. - Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, - But for trifles-- - - Pray what did bad Mendicant do? - - Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack - And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. - - Is that _all_ father dear? - - There's little to tell: - They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to--well, - The company's better than here we can boast, - And there's-- - - Bread for the needy, dear father? - - Um--toast. - -Atka Mip - - -BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. - -BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by -breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach -Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: - - Recordare, Jesu pie, - Quod sum causa tuae viae. - Ne me perdas illa die. - - Pray remember, sacred Savior, - Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your - Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. - -BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly -poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two -tongues. - -BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. - - She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be - A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. - "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she-- - "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." - -"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) - - -BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, -however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the -means of all. - -BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor -of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. - - Her locks an ancient lady gave - Her loving husband's life to save; - And men--they honored so the dame-- - Upon some stars bestowed her name. - - But to our modern married fair, - Who'd give their lords to save their hair, - No stellar recognition's given. - There are not stars enough in heaven. - -G.J. - - -BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will -adjudge a punishment called trigamy. - -BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion -that you do not entertain. - -BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. - -BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of -it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born -from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block -of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he -grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It -is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a -stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount -Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. - -BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box -of berries in a market--the fine ones on top--have been opened on -the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. - -BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters--the most difficult -kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much -affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. - -BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the -young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied -the undertaker. The hyena. - - "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, - I and my comrades, four in all, - When visiting a graveyard stood - Within the shadow of a wall. - - "While waiting for the moon to sink - We saw a wild hyena slink - About a new-made grave, and then - Begin to excavate its brink! - - "Shocked by the horrid act, we made - A sally from our ambuscade, - And, falling on the unholy beast, - Dispatched him with a pick and spade." - -Bettel K. Jhones - - -BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to -become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. - -Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a -dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would -be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give -you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" -inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." - -BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables--those that are not good to -eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, -which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and -ill-smelling. - -BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. - -BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two -nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary -rights of the other. - -BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who -has nothing to get all that he can. - - A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects - every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal - instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His - creatures. - -Henry Ward Beecher - - -BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu -and destroyed by Siva--a rather neater division of labor than is -found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, -for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by -Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy -and learned men who are never naughty. - - O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, - First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, - You sit there so calm and securely, - With feet folded up so demurely-- - You're the First Person Singular, surely. - -Polydore Smith - - -BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which -distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man -who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has -been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of -brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our -civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so -highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of -office. - -BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one -part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the -grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. -Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero -will venture to drink it. - -BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - -BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. - - - - -C - - - -CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the -patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps -asked the archangel for bread. - -CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and -wise as a man's head. - -The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending -the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire -consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the -cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of -state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that -several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his -murmuring subjects were appeased. - -CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder -that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities -are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to -others. - -CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils -afflicting another. - -When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was -observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you -weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great -Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." - -CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. - -CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to -the show business. There are two kinds of camels--the camel proper -and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. - -CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple -tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. - -CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national -boundaries. - -CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. - -CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, -the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the -anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the -disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the -justice and expediency of which many worthy persons--including all -the assassins--entertain grave misgivings. - -CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. - - As Death was a-rising out one day, - Across Mount Camel he took his way, - Where he met a mendicant monk, - Some three or four quarters drunk, - With a holy leer and a pious grin, - Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, - Who held out his hands and cried: - "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. - Give in the name of the Church. O give, - Give that her holy sons may live!" - And Death replied, - Smiling long and wide: - "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee--a ride." - - With a rattle and bang - Of his bones, he sprang - From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; - By the neck and the foot - Seized the fellow, and put - Him astride with his face to the rear. - - The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell - Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: - "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, - Will ride to the devil!"--and _thump_ - Fell the flat of his dart on the rump - Of the charger, which galloped away. - - Faster and faster and faster it flew, - Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew - By the road were dim and blended and blue - To the wild, wild eyes - Of the rider--in size - Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. - Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh - At a burial service spoiled, - And the mourners' intentions foiled - By the body erecting - Its head and objecting - To further proceedings in its behalf. - - Many a year and many a day - Have passed since these events away. - The monk has long been a dusty corse, - And Death has never recovered his horse. - For the friar got hold of its tail, - And steered it within the pale - Of the monastery gray, - Where the beast was stabled and fed - With barley and oil and bread - Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, - And so in due course was appointed Prior. - -G.J. - - -CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous -vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. - -CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author -of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_--whereby he was pleased -to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum -might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_-- -"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an -approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. - -CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be -kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - - This is a dog, - This is a cat. - This is a frog, - This is a rat. - Run, dog, mew, cat. - Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. - -Elevenson - - -CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. - -CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, -poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The -inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained -in these Olympian games: - - His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to - overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives - they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here - commemorated by his family, who shared them. - In the earth we here prepare a - Place to lay our little Clara. - -Thomas M. and Mary Frazer - - P.S.--Gabriel will raise her. - -CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of -labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who -followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The -best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse -added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John -the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat -sophisticated sacred history. - -CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the -entrance--against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, -sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the -entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the -poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor -Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give -his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes -the number twenty-seven--a judgment that would be entirely -conclusive if Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, -and (b) something about arithmetic. - -CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the -idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth--two removes from the sin -of manhood and three from the remorse of age. - -CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely -inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. -One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not -inconsistent with a life of sin. - - I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! - The godly multitudes walked to and fro - Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, - With pious mien, appropriately sad, - While all the church bells made a solemn din-- - A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. - Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, - With tranquil face, upon that holy show - A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, - Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. - "God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are - No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; - And yet I entertain the hope that you, - Like these good people, are a Christian too." - He raised his eyes and with a look so stern - It made me with a thousand blushes burn - Replied--his manner with disdain was spiced: - "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." - -G.J. - - -CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted -to see men, women and children acting the fool. - -CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of -seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a -blockhead. - -CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with -cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a -clarionet--two clarionets. - -CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual -affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones. - -CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over -history--which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent -citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being -addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. - -CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern -for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. - - A busy man complained one day: - "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" - Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; - "You have, sir, all the time there is. - There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it-- - We're never for an hour without it." - -Purzil Crofe - - -CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many -meritorious persons wish to obtain. - - "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried - To thrifty J. Macpherson; - "See me--I'm ready to divide - With any worthy person." - Sad Jamie: "That is very true-- - The boast requires no backing; - And all are worthy, sir, to you, - Who have what you are lacking." - -Anita M. Bobe - - -COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the -sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a -brotherhood of awful examples. - - O Coenobite, O coenobite, - Monastical gregarian, - You differ from the anchorite, - That solitudinarian: - With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; - With dropping shots he makes him sick. - -Quincy Giles - - -COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's -uneasiness. - -COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that -resembles, but do not equal, our own. - -COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the -goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money -belonging to E. - -COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable -multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously -efficient. - - This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, - So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew - Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches - Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays - That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins - Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. - On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, - Misfortune attend and disaster befall! - May life be to them a succession of hurts; - May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; - May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, - Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; - May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, - And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; - May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, - And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. - Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse - Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, - By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors-- - The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! - Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! - Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, - Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. - -K.Q. - - -COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives -each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought -not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his -due. - -COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. - -CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than -sympathy. - -CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, -confided by _him_ to C. - -CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. - -CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. - -CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and -nothing about anything else. - -An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, -some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he -murmured and died. - -CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as -distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with -others. - -CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate -than yourself. - -CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure -an office from the people is given one by the Administration on -condition that he leave the country. - -CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already -decided on. - -CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too -formidable safely to be opposed. - -CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the -injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. - - In controversy with the facile tongue-- - That bloodless warfare of the old and young-- - So seek your adversary to engage - That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, - And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, - With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. - You ask me how this miracle is done? - Adopt his own opinions, one by one, - And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath - He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. - Advance then gently all you wish to prove, - Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've - So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, - And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, - This view of it which, better far expressed, - Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest - To him, secure that he'll perform his trust - And prove your views intelligent and just. - -Conmore Apel Brune - - -CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to -meditate upon the vice of idleness. - -CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental -commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of -his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. - -CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward -and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a -dynamite bomb. - -CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military -ladder. - - Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, - Our corporal heroically fell! - Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl - And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." - -Giacomo Smith - - -CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit -without individual responsibility. - -CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. - -COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. - -COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - -CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but -less indigestible. - - In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably - figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only - backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the - perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to - avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend - their nature afterward. - -Sir James Merivale - - -CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial -Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. - -CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. - -CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody -tries to please him. - - There is a land of pure delight, - Beyond the Jordan's flood, - Where saints, apparelled all in white, - Fling back the critic's mud. - - And as he legs it through the skies, - His pelt a sable hue, - He sorrows sore to recognize - The missiles that he threw. - -Orrin Goof - - -CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its -significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, -but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been -believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic -worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, -to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as -a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent -neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father -Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: - - "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood - Cry out in holy chorus, - And, to dissuade from sin, parade - Their various charms before us. - - But why, O why, has ne'er an eye - Seen her of winsome manner - And youthful grace and pretty face - Flaunting the White Cross banner? - - Now where's the need of speech and screed - To better our behaving? - A simpler plan for saving man - (But, first, is he worth saving?) - - Is, dears, when he declines to flee - From bad thoughts that beset him, - Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, - And wants to sin--don't let him. - -CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? - -CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person -from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction -and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier -gets the skins of more foxes than asses." - -CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a -barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of -its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is -the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual -love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the -wounds of an arrow--of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art -grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work-- -this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on -the doorstep of prosperity. - -CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The -desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one -of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. - -CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This -is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is -commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a -cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of -life insurance. - -CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, -not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of -plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - - - - -D - - - -DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning -of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to -have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree -of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it -expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently -occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It -would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion -conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. - -DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably -with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many -kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two -sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously -innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. - -DANGER, n. - - A savage beast which, when it sleeps, - Man girds at and despises, - But takes himself away by leaps - And bounds when it arises. - -Ambat Delaso - - -DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in -security. - -DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, -whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words -_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of -God. - -DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men -prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk -with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then -point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period -is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day -improper--the former devoted to sins of business, the latter -consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity -overlap. - -DEAD, adj. - - Done with the work of breathing; done - With all the world; the mad race run - Through to the end; the golden goal - Attained and found to be a hole! - -Squatol Johnes - - -DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has -had the misfortune to overtake it. - -DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the -slave-driver. - - As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet - Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, - Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, - Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; - So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, - Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, - Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, - And finds at last he might as well have paid it. - -Barlow S. Vode - - -DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number--just enough -to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to -embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the -Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. - - Thou shalt no God but me adore: - 'Twere too expensive to have more. - - No images nor idols make - For Robert Ingersoll to break. - - Take not God's name in vain; select - A time when it will have effect. - - Work not on Sabbath days at all, - But go to see the teams play ball. - - Honor thy parents. That creates - For life insurance lower rates. - - Kill not, abet not those who kill; - Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. - - Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless - Thine own thy neighbor doth caress - - Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete - Successfully in business. Cheat. - - Bear not false witness--that is low-- - But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." - - Covet thou naught that thou hast not - By hook or crook, or somehow, got. - -G.J. - - -DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences -over another set. - - A leaf was riven from a tree, - "I mean to fall to earth," said he. - - The west wind, rising, made him veer. - "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." - - The east wind rose with greater force. - Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." - - With equal power they contend. - He said: "My judgment I suspend." - - Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, - Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." - - "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; - Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. - - Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, - You'll have no hand in it at all. - -G.J. - - -DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. - -DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. - -DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. -The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it -required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes -of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of -sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps -why they suffered him to beg his bread--a marked instance of -returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he -would certainly have starved. - -DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from -private station to political preferment. - -DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the -Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its -name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man -pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. - -DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. -Variously pronounced. - -DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that -comes in sets. - -DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which -side it is buttered on. - -DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away -the sins (and sinners) of the world. - -DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising -Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many -other goodly sons and daughters. - - All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee - The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; - For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, - Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. - -Mumfrey Mappel - - -DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, -pulls coins out of your pocket. - -DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support -which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. - -DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. -The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and -an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. -When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud -of dust. - - "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, - "To-day the books are to be tried - By experts and accountants who - Have been commissioned to go through - Our office here, to see if we - Have stolen injudiciously. - Please have the proper entries made, - The proper balances displayed, - Conforming to the whole amount - Of cash on hand--which they will count. - I've long admired your punctual way-- - Here at the break and close of day, - Confronting in your chair the crowd - Of business men, whose voices loud - And gestures violent you quell - By some mysterious, calm spell-- - Some magic lurking in your look - That brings the noisiest to book - And spreads a holy and profound - Tranquillity o'er all around. - So orderly all's done that they - Who came to draw remain to pay. - But now the time demands, at last, - That you employ your genius vast - In energies more active. Rise - And shake the lightnings from your eyes; - Inspire your underlings, and fling - Your spirit into everything!" - The Master's hand here dealt a whack - Upon the Deputy's bent back, - When straightway to the floor there fell - A shrunken globe, a rattling shell - A blackened, withered, eyeless head! - The man had been a twelvemonth dead. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for -failure. - -DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's -pulse and purse. - -DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest -from disorders of the bowels. - -DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can -relate to himself without blushing. - - Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ - All that he had of wisdom and of wit. - So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, - Erased all entries of his own and cried: - "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: - "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"-- - Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, - That record from a pocket in his shroud. - The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, - Each stupid line of which he knew before, - Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit - On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; - Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. - "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: - You'd never be content this side the tomb-- - For big ideas Heaven has little room, - And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," - He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. - -"The Mad Philosopher" - - -DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of -despotism to the plague of anarchy. - -DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth -of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, -however, is a most useful work. - -DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because -there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, -however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it -is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet -and domestic economist, Senator Depew: - - A cube of cheese no larger than a die - May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. - -DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the -process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead--a circumstance from -which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies -are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. - -DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. - -DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better -error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. - -DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or -thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. - -DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - -DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. - -DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity -of a command. - - His right to govern me is clear as day, - My duty manifest to disobey; - And if that fit observance e'er I shut - May I and duty be alike undone. - -Israfel Brown - - -DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. - Let us dissemble. - -Adam - - -DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to -call theirs, and keep. - -DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a -friend. - -DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as -many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce -and the early fool. - -DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch -the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in -some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection -of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog -is a survival--an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, -yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, -sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means -wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned -with a look of tolerant recognition. - -DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal -measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on -horseback. - -DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. - -DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which -did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. -Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says -their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as -Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to -Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have -obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his -talent for human sacrifice was considerable. - -Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing -of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They -were, in short, heathens and--as they were once complacently -catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England-- -Dissenters. - -DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back -season. - -DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two -enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if -awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences -sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. - - That dueling's a gentlemanly vice - I hold; and wish that it had been my lot - To live my life out in some favored spot-- - Some country where it is considered nice - To split a rival like a fish, or slice - A husband like a spud, or with a shot - Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot - And ready to be put upon the ice. - Some miscreants there are, whom I do long - To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim - The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, - I seem to see them now--a mighty throng. - It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, - Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! - -Xamba Q. Dar - - -DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. -The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy -have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their -insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh -with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence -they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having -blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and -many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent -times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread -all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, -literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came -over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report -of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion -has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy -statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but -little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The -intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, -but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. - -DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, -along the line of desire. - - Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, - Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. - His anger provoked him to take the king's head, - But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, - Instead. - -G.J. - - - - - -E - - - -EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of -mastication, humectation, and deglutition. - -"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, -beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner -in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained -the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but -enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." - -EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and -vices of another or yourself. - - A lady with one of her ears applied - To an open keyhole heard, inside, - Two female gossips in converse free-- - The subject engaging them was she. - "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks - That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" - As soon as no more of it she could hear - The lady, indignant, removed her ear. - "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, - "To hear my character lied about!" - -Gopete Sherany - - -ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ -it to accentuate their incapacity. - -ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for -the price of the cow that you cannot afford. - -EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a -toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man -to a worm. - -EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, -Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely -virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the -virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the -splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he -resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the -tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as -the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. -Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of -thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the -Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the -editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to -suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard -the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines -of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack -up some pathos. - - O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, - A gilded impostor is he. - Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, - His crown is brass, - Himself an ass, - And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. - Prankily, crankily prating of naught, - Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. - Public opinion's camp-follower he, - Thundering, blundering, plundering free. - Affected, - Ungracious, - Suspected, - Mendacious, - Respected contemporaree! - J.H. Bumbleshook - -EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the -foolish their lack of understanding. - -EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in -the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the -other--which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has -never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the -rabbit the cause of a dog. - -EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. - - Megaceph, chosen to serve the State - In the halls of legislative debate, - One day with all his credentials came - To the capitol's door and announced his name. - The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist - Of the face, at the eminent egotist, - And said: "Go away, for we settle here - All manner of questions, knotty and queer, - And we cannot have, when the speaker demands - To be told how every member stands, - A man who to all things under the sky - Assents by eternally voting 'I'." - -EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is -also much used in cases of extreme poverty. - -ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man -of another man's choice. - -ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known -to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, -and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most -picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory -of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in -France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, -bearing the following touching account of his life and services to -science: - - "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This - illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the - world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, - of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." - - Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the -arts and industries. The question of its economical application to -some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved -that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more -light than a horse. - -ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of -the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind -the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins -somewhat like this: - - The cur foretells the knell of parting day; - The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; - The wise man homeward plods; I only stay - To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. - -ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the -color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color -appear white. - -ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients -foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This -ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth -by the early Christians--may their souls be happy in Heaven! - -EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to -the despotism of himself. - - He was a slave: at word he went and came; - His iron collar cut him to the bone. - Then Liberty erased his owner's name, - Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. - -G.J. - - -EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which -it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural -balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their -once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting -more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step -in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be -ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a -bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him -after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose -are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. - -EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the -heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge -of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. - -ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. - -END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the -Interlocutor. - - The man was perishing apace - Who played the tambourine; - The seal of death was on his face-- - 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. - - "This is the end," the sick man said - In faint and failing tones. - A moment later he was dead, - And Tambourine was Bones. - -Tinley Roquot - - -ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. - - Enough is as good as a feast--for that matter - Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. - -Arbely C. Strunk - - -ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of -death by injection. - -ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of -repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. -Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a -relapse, which carried him off--to Missolonghi. - -ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the -husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. - -ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. - -EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military -officer from the enemy--that is to say, from the officer of lower -rank to whom his death would give promotion. - -EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, -holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time -in gratification from the senses. - -EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently -characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. -Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and -ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: - - We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To - serve oneself is economy of administration. - - In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a - nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal - activity. - - There are three sexes; males, females and girls. - - Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: - they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. - Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be - ashamed of. - - While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands - you are safe, for you can watch both his. - -EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired -by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: - - Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, - Wise, pious, humble and all that, - Who showed us life as all should live it; - Let that be said--and God forgive it! - -ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. - - So wide his erudition's mighty span, - He knew Creation's origin and plan - And only came by accident to grief-- - He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. - -Romach Pute - - -ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. -The ancient philosophies were of two kinds,--_exoteric_, those that -the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, -those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most -profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in -our time. - -ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, -as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and -ethnologists. - -EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. - A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as -to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred -thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. - -EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth -and power, or the consideration to be dead. - -EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious -sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of -our neighbors. - -EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence -that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am -not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of -Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," -as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book -was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is -still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of -the soul. - -EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other -things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The -exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips -of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought -of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means -that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not -_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this -excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an -evil power which appears to be immortal. - -EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate -penalties the law of moderation. - - Hail, high Excess--especially in wine, - To thee in worship do I bend the knee - Who preach abstemiousness unto me-- - My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. - Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, - Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree - With reason as thy touch, exact and free, - Upon my forehead and along my spine. - At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, - With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; - When on thy stool of penitence I sit - I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. - Ungrateful he who afterward would falter - To make new sacrifices at thine altar! - -EXCOMMUNICATION, n. - - This "excommunication" is a word - In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, - And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, - Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal-- - A rite permitting Satan to enslave him - Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. - -Gat Huckle - - -EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to -enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the -judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of -no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The -Lunarian Astonished_--Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: - - LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes - directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be - known whether it is constitutional? - TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the - Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many - years somebody objects to its operation against himself--I - mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to - execute it at once. - LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. - Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances - that they enforce? - TERRESTRIAN: Not yet--at least not in their character of - constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the - approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. - LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by - the murderer. - TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so - consistent. - LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial - machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they - have long been executed, and then only when brought before the - court by some private person--does it not cause great - confusion? - TERRESTRIAN: It does. - LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being - executed, be validated, not by the signature of your - President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme - Court? - TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. - LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? - TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three - volumes each. So how can any one know? - -EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another -upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. - -EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not -an ambassador. - -An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of -Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years -afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of -unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the -ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: - - Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly - received. War with the whole world! - -EXISTENCE, n. - - A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, - Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: - From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge - Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" - -EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an -undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - - To one who, journeying through night and fog, - Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, - Experience, like the rising of the dawn, - Reveals the path that he should not have gone. - -Joel Frad Bink - - -EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to -lose their friends. - -EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the -future state. - - - - -F - - - -FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly -inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, -and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The -fairies are now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a -clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately -as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of -the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected -that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of -fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a -peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The -son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but -afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and been in pursuit of the -fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers -that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one -change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great -slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original -shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain -which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the -wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was -made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or -mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. - -FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks -without knowledge, of things without parallel. - -FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. - - Done to a turn on the iron, behold - Him who to be famous aspired. - Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, - And his twistings are greatly admired. - -Hassan Brubuddy - - -FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. - - A king there was who lost an eye - In some excess of passion; - And straight his courtiers all did try - To follow the new fashion. - - Each dropped one eyelid when before - The throne he ventured, thinking - 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore - He'd slay them all for winking. - - What should they do? They were not hot - To hazard such disaster; - They dared not close an eye--dared not - See better than their master. - - Seeing them lacrymose and glum, - A leech consoled the weepers: - He spread small rags with liquid gum - And covered half their peepers. - - The court all wore the stuff, the flame - Of royal anger dying. - That's how court-plaster got its name - Unless I'm greatly lying. - -Naramy Oof - - -FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by -gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person -distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church -feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly -immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these -entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by -the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, -as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is -believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. -Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was -held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. - -FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in -embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. - -FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. - - The Maker, at Creation's birth, - With living things had stocked the earth. - From elephants to bats and snails, - They all were good, for all were males. - But when the Devil came and saw - He said: "By Thine eternal law - Of growth, maturity, decay, - These all must quickly pass away - And leave untenanted the earth - Unless Thou dost establish birth"-- - Then tucked his head beneath his wing - To laugh--he had no sleeve--the thing - With deviltry did so accord, - That he'd suggested to the Lord. - The Master pondered this advice, - Then shook and threw the fateful dice - Wherewith all matters here below - Are ordered, and observed the throw; - Then bent His head in awful state, - Confirming the decree of Fate. - From every part of earth anew - The conscious dust consenting flew, - While rivers from their courses rolled - To make it plastic for the mould. - Enough collected (but no more, - For niggard Nature hoards her store) - He kneaded it to flexible clay, - While Nick unseen threw some away. - And then the various forms He cast, - Gross organs first and finer last; - No one at once evolved, but all - By even touches grew and small - Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, - To match all living things He'd made - Females, complete in all their parts - Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. - "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed - I'll fetch the very hearts they need"-- - So flew away and soon brought back - The number needed, in a sack. - That night earth rang with sounds of strife-- - Ten million males each had a wife; - That night sweet Peace her pinions spread - O'er Hell--ten million devils dead! - -G.J. - - -FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest -approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. - - When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, - Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. - Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief - By proof that even himself was not a slave - To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave - Had been of all her servitors the chief - Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf - Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. - No, David served not Naked Truth when he - Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; - Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: - For reason shows that it could never be, - And the facts contradict him to his face. - Men are not liars all, for some are dead. - -Bartle Quinker - - -FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. - -FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a -horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. - - To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn - I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." - To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, - 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." - -Orm Pludge - - -FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. - -FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for -the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word -with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of -America's most precious discoveries and possessions. - -FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and -ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one -sees on vacant lots in London--"Rubbish may be shot here." - -FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. - -FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another -party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, -who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our -partisan journals. - -FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by -Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various -literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and -general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These -creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and -companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly -embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, -according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by -a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the -writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature--that is to say, -the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and -critics in the same language--never punctuated at all, but worked -right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which -comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children -to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful -instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the -methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of -races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is -found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and -chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and -serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly--_Musca maledicta_. -In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making -the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine -revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever -marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable -enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. -Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of -the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such -assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to -grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, -in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to -understand the important services that flies perform to literature it -is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a -saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit -brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the -duration of exposure. - -FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and -controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns -his life. - - Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once - In a thick volume, and all authors known, - If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, - Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts - Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, - To mend their lives and to sustain his own, - However feebly be his arrows thrown, - - Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. - All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, - With lusty lung, here on his western strand - With all thine offspring thronged from every land, - Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. - And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, - Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. - -Aramis Loto Frope - - -FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation -and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is -omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was -who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the -telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created -patriotism and taught the nations war--founded theology, philosophy, -law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican -government. He is from everlasting to everlasting--such as -creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang -upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the -procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the -set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening -meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal -grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of -eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human -civilization. - -FORCE, n. - - "Force is but might," the teacher said-- - "That definition's just." - The boy said naught but thought instead, - Remembering his pounded head: - "Force is not might but must!" - -FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two -malefactors. - -FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I -consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in -explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; -when I remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles -caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, -and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to -prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the -efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life,--recalling these -awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the -mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing -to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly -refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. - -FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation -for their destitution of conscience. - -FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead -animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this -purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many -advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether -reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of -these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking -proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. - -FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person--a -method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately -permitted to lose his case. - - When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court - (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) - Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, - He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. - - "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; - "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." - So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: - He went away--as he had come--nonsuited. - -G.J. - - -FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds -lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval -times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in -this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent -an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity -of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you -master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the -officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must -e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this -act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master -the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too -great wealth." - -FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose -annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. - -FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half -dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political -condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual -monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is -not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a -living specimen of either. - - Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, - Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; - On every wind, indeed, that blows - I hear her yell. - - She screams whenever monarchs meet, - And parliaments as well, - To bind the chains about her feet - And toll her knell. - - And when the sovereign people cast - The votes they cannot spell, - Upon the pestilential blast - Her clamors swell. - - For all to whom the power's given - To sway or to compel, - Among themselves apportion Heaven - And give her Hell. - -Blary O'Gary - - -FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and -fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, -among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the -dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces -all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming -up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of -Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by -Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, -Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the -Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the -Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the -Egyptian Pyramids--always by a Freemason. - -FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. -Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. - -FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but -only one in foul. - - The sea was calm and the sky was blue; - Merrily, merrily sailed we two. - (High barometer maketh glad.) - On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, - The tempest descended and we fell out. - (O the walking is nasty bad!) - -Armit Huff Bettle - - -FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in -profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and -the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the -work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has -set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain -frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was -besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, -who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, -that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the -programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good -voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by -Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective--"brekekex-koax"; the -music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses -have a frog in each hoof--a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling -them to shine in a hurdle race. - -FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that -punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented -by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died -without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp -who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and -devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its -terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. -Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of -invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The -following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) -seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to -this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life -reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the -other side, rewarding its devotees: - - Old Nick was summoned to the skies. - Said Peter: "Your intentions - Are good, but you lack enterprise - Concerning new inventions. - - "Now, broiling is an ancient plan - Of torment, but I hear it - Reported that the frying-pan - Sears best the wicked spirit. - - "Go get one--fill it up with fat-- - Fry sinners brown and good in't." - "I know a trick worth two o' that," - Said Nick--"I'll cook their food in't." - -FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by -enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure -that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - - The savage dies--they sacrifice a horse - To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. - Our friends expire--we make the money fly - In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. - -Jex Wopley - - -FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our -friends are true and our happiness is assured. - - - - -G - - - -GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which -the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the -gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. - - Whether on the gallows high - Or where blood flows the reddest, - The noblest place for man to die-- - Is where he died the deadest. - -(Old play) - - -GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval -buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some -personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was -especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures -generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery -of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean -and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others -substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the -new incumbents. - -GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out -of her stockings and desolating the country. - -GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was -rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble -by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. - -GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did -not particularly care to trace his own. - -GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. - - Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: - A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. - Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, - For dictionary makers are generally gents. - -G.J. - - -GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between -the outside of the world and the inside. - - Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, - Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, - In passing thence along the river Zam - To the adjacent village of Xelam, - Bewildered by the multitude of roads, - Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, - Then from exposure miserably died, - And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. - -Henry Haukhorn - - -GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust--to which, doubtless, -will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up -garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe -already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, -consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, -antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The -Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary -comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy -boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, -anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. - -GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. - - He saw a ghost. - It occupied--that dismal thing!-- - The path that he was following. - Before he'd time to stop and fly, - An earthquake trifled with the eye - That saw a ghost. - He fell as fall the early good; - Unmoved that awful vision stood. - The stars that danced before his ken - He wildly brushed away, and then - He saw a post. - -Jared Macphester - - -Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions -somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much -afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such -tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of -my own experience. - -There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost -never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his -habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not -only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is -nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile -fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, -what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the -apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost -in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and -get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. - -GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring -the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of -controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of -comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In -1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened -it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with -many heads and an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more -than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at -the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he -would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a -ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury -and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished -a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water -turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has -since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the -fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral -at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed -men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and -captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had -transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was -nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous -popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so -affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself -in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. - -GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by -committing dyspepsia. - -GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the -interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral -treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough -in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw -them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig -Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and -Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a -Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these -statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as -1764. - -GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion -between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not -go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin -of the fusion managers. - -GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state -resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is -something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. - - A hunter from Kew caught a distant view - Of a peacefully meditative gnu, - And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue - In its blood at a closer interview." - But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw - O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; - And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew - Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew - That really meritorious gnu." - -Jarn Leffer - - -GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. -Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. - -GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some -occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various -degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, -so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person -called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript -of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as -discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found -to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be -very great geese indeed. - -GORGON, n. - - The Gorgon was a maiden bold - Who turned to stone the Greeks of old - That looked upon her awful brow. - We dig them out of ruins now, - And swear that workmanship so bad - Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. - -GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. - -GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, -who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no -expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and -dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to -be blowing. - -GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet -for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to -distinction. - -GRAPE, n. - - Hail noble fruit!--by Homer sung, - Anacreon and Khayyam; - Thy praise is ever on the tongue - Of better men than I am. - - The lyre in my hand has never swept, - The song I cannot offer: - My humbler service pray accept-- - I'll help to kill the scoffer. - The water-drinkers and the cranks - Who load their skins with liquor-- - I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks - And tap them with my sticker. - - Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools - When e'er we let the wine rest. - Here's death to Prohibition's fools, - And every kind of vine-pest! - -Jamrach Holobom - - -GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to -the demands of American Socialism. - -GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of -the medical student. - - Beside a lonely grave I stood-- - With brambles 'twas encumbered; - The winds were moaning in the wood, - Unheard by him who slumbered, - - A rustic standing near, I said: - "He cannot hear it blowing!" - "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead-- - He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." - - "Too true," I said; "alas, too true-- - No sound his sense can quicken!" - "Well, mister, wot is that to you?-- - The deadster ain't a-kickin'." - - I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile - On him, and mercy show him!" - That countryman looked on the while, - And said: "Ye didn't know him." - -Pobeter Dunko - - -GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another -with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain-- -the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength -of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and -edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, -makes B the proof of A. - -GREAT, adj. - - "I'm great," the Lion said--"I reign - The monarch of the wood and plain!" - - The Elephant replied: "I'm great-- - No quadruped can match my weight!" - - "I'm great--no animal has half - So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. - - "I'm great," the Kangaroo said--"see - My femoral muscularity!" - - The 'Possum said: "I'm great--behold, - My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" - - An Oyster fried was understood - To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" - - Each reckons greatness to consist - In that in which he heads the list, - - And Vierick thinks he tops his class - Because he is the greatest ass. - -Arion Spurl Doke - - -GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders -with good reason. - -In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the -learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture ---the shrug--among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles -and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracting the head inside -the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an -authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and -enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_--lib. II, c. XI) -the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a -theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I -have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired -by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. - -GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the -settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left -unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to -the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it -was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion -seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, -it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of -Agriculture. - -Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event -that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of -Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of -the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented -him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the -_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial -value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was -instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with -soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line -of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look -backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a -lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the -earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary -saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and -fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, -then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself -thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators -along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak -prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, -and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" -cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading -line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," -said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again -centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of -Washington." - - - - -H - - - -HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when -confined for the wrong crime. - -HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. - -HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the -place where the dead live. - -Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our -Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in -a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves -were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. -When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of -evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a -majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a -conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record -and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the -next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly -sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, -somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good -prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the -means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and -immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. - -HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes -called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were -called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind -of baleful lumination or nimbus--hag being the popular name of that -peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time -hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, -all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not -now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag--that compliment is -reserved for the use of her grandchildren. - -HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or -considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion -arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience -could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father -Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would -demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and -unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the -body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the -negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a -viper. - -HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, -but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a -somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and -saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture -in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred -as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, -or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a -pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the -nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly -decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his -unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. - -HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and -commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - -HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various -ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals -to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent -invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties -to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of -"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, -as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails -in our own day--an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. - -HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest -dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a -populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States -his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, -where executions by electricity have recently been ordered--the -first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the -expediency of hanging Jerseymen. - -HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the -misery of another. - -HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an -harangue-outang. - -HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed -to the fury of the customs. - -HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from -Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for -the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. - -HASH, x. There is no definition for this word--nobody knows what -hash is. - -HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. - - "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, - For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. - The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, - With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. - -John Lukkus - - -HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's -superiority. - -HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. - - In ancient times there lived a king - Whose tax-collectors could not wring - From all his subjects gold enough - To make the royal way less rough. - For pleasure's highway, like the dames - Whose premises adjoin it, claims - Perpetual repairing. So - The tax-collectors in a row - Appeared before the throne to pray - Their master to devise some way - To swell the revenue. "So great," - Said they, "are the demands of state - A tithe of all that we collect - Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: - How, if one-tenth we must resign, - Can we exist on t'other nine?" - The monarch asked them in reply: - "Has it occurred to you to try - The advantage of economy?" - "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold - All of our gray garrotes of gold; - With plated-ware we now compress - The necks of those whom we assess. - Plain iron forceps we employ - To mitigate the miser's joy - Who hoards, with greed that never tires, - That which your Majesty requires." - Deep lines of thought were seen to plow - Their way across the royal brow. - "Your state is desperate, no question; - Pray favor me with a suggestion." - "O King of Men," the spokesman said, - "If you'll impose upon each head - A tax, the augmented revenue - We'll cheerfully divide with you." - As flashes of the sun illume - The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, - The king smiled grimly. "I decree - That it be so--and, not to be - In generosity outdone, - Declare you, each and every one, - Exempted from the operation - Of this new law of capitation. - But lest the people censure me - Because they're bound and you are free, - 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid - By you this poll-tax to evade. - I'll leave you now while you confer - With my most trusted minister." - The monarch from the throne-room walked - And straightway in among them stalked - A silent man, with brow concealed, - Bare-armed--his gleaming axe revealed! - -G.J. - - -HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. - -HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this -useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments--a -very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once -universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions -reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of -the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a -feeling--tender or not, according to the age of the animal from -which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a -caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a -pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a -hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh -of sensibility--these things have been patiently ascertained by M. -Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, -my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and -Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_--4to, 687 pp.) In a -scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John -Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a -striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's -famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. - -HEAT, n. - - Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode - Of motion, but I know now how he's proving - His point; but this I know--hot words bestowed - With skill will set the human fist a-moving, - And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. - _Crede expertum_--I have seen them, child. - -Gorton Swope - - -HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship -something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, -of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. - - "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A Christian philosopher. I'm - A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, - Addicted too much to the crime - Of religious discussion in my rhyme. - - Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree - On a _modus vivendi_--not they!-- - Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, - And I haven't been reared in a way - To joy in the thick of the fray. - - For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, - And the truth of it I aver: - Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, - And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er-- - And I'm down upon him or her! - - Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin - Toleration--that's all very well, - But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, - And he's running--I know by the smell-- - A secret and personal Hell! - -Bissell Gip - - -HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with -talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention -while you expound your own. - -HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an -altogether superior creation. - -HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. - - "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" - Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' - She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at-- - For it's naught ye are ever doin'." - - "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, - And no sign of contrition envices; - "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, - For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" - -Marley Wottel - - -HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of -neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open -air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. - -HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. - -HERS, pron. His. - -HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. -There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of -various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the -whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is -admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean -that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four -centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that -swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their -brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently -been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of -the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation -of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent -is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to -which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was -strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not -wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. - -HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half -griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and -half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter -eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of -zoology is full of surprises. - -HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. - -HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, -which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly -fools. - - Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown - 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, - Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, - Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. - -Salder Bupp - - -HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and -serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, -the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for -the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster -that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been -known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of -this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not -discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. - -HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. - -HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and -Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly -inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they -can not. - -HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are -four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and -praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain -whether he fell by one kind or another--the classification is for -advantage of the lawyers. - -HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual -needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. - - So skilled the parson was in homiletics - That all his normal purges and emetics - To medicine the spirit were compounded - With a most just discrimination founded - Upon a rigorous examination - Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. - Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, - His scriptural specifics this physician - Administered--his pills so efficacious - And pukes of disposition so vivacious - That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam - Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. - But Slander's tongue--itself all coated--uttered - Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered - That in the case of patients having money - The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. - -_Biography of Bishop Potter_ - - -HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In -legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as -honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - -HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. - - Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left-- - Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; - When even his dog deserts him, and his goat - With tranquil disaffection chews his coat - While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, - The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, - Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint - The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. - -Fogarty Weffing - - -HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain -persons who are not in need of food and lodging. - -HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the -earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and -passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female -friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. - -HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make -things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence -marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a -soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient -esteem. - -HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, -mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. -_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal -service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. -_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. -_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult -persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a -youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously -disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has -pleased God to place her. - -HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. - -HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. - - Twaddle had a hovel, - Twiddle had a palace; - Twaddle said: "I'll grovel - Or he'll think I bear him malice"-- - A sentiment as novel - As a castor on a chalice. - - Down upon the middle - Of his legs fell Twaddle - And astonished Mr. Twiddle, - Who began to lift his noddle. - Feed upon the fiddle- - Faddle flummery, unswaddle - A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] - -G.J. - - -HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the -anthropoid poets. - -HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar -austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with -his best wishes, cat-quick. - - Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind - See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined-- - Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, - His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. - He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, - A graceful hog would bear his company. - -Alexander Poke - - -HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now -generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is -still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain -old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of -the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's -usefulness has outlasted it. - -HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. - -HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the -plate. - -HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. - -HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many -heads. - -HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its -habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the -medical student does that. - -HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. - - Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot - Where long the village rubbish had been shot - Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps-- - "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. - -Bogul S. Purvy - - -HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect -secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. - - - - -I - - - -I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, -the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In -grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its -plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself -is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this -incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but -fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer -from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to -cloak his loot. - -ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of -blood. - - Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, - Restrained the raging chief and said: - "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled-- - Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" - -Mary Doke - - -ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are -imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest -that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but -pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of -those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the -iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; -and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress -the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." - -IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in -human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's -activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, -but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in -everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and -opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes -conduct with a dead-line. - -IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of -new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. - -IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge -familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know -nothing about. - - Dumble was an ignoramus, - Mumble was for learning famous. - Mumble said one day to Dumble: - "Ignorance should be more humble. - Not a spark have you of knowledge - That was got in any college." - Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly - You're self-satisfied unduly. - Of things in college I'm denied - A knowledge--you of all beside." - -Borelli - - -ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the -sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights-- -_cunctationes illuminati_. - -ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and -detraction. - -IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint -ownership. - -IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting -censorious critics of this dictionary. - -IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better -than another. - -IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with -a feeble conception of worth in others. - - There was once a man in Ispahan - Ever and ever so long ago, - And he had a head, the phrenologists said, - That fitted him for a show. - - For his modesty's bump was so large a lump - (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) - That its summit stood far above the wood - Of his hair, like a mountain peak. - - So modest a man in all Ispahan, - Over and over again they swore-- - So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; - None ever was found before. - - Meantime the hump of that awful bump - Into the heavens contrived to get - To so great a height that they called the wight - The man with the minaret. - - There wasn't a man in all Ispahan - Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: - With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung - He bragged of that beautiful bump - - Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page - Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, - And that gentle child explained as he smiled: - "A little present for you." - - The saddest man in all Ispahan, - Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. - "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility - Had given me deathless fame!" - -Sukker Uffro - - -IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard -to the greater number of instances men find to be generally -inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's -notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of -expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other -way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and -nowise dependent on, their consequences--then all philosophy is a -lie and reason a disorder of the mind. - -IMMORTALITY, n. - - A toy which people cry for, - And on their knees apply for, - Dispute, contend and lie for, - And if allowed - Would be right proud - Eternally to die for. - -G.J. - - -IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains -fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, -properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the -body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common -mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is -still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the -beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in -"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole -of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as -"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in -Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for -crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded -for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of -sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must -be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious -dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he -would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in -the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. - -IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage -from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two -conflicting opinions. - -IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between -sin and punishment. - -IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. - -IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on -of hands--a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but -performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. - - "Lo! by the laying on of hands," - Say parson, priest and dervise, - "We consecrate your cash and lands - To ecclesiastical service. - No doubt you'll swear till all is blue - At such an imposition. Do." - -Pollo Doncas - - -IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. - -IMPROBABILITY, n. - - His tale he told with a solemn face - And a tender, melancholy grace. - Improbable 'twas, no doubt, - When you came to think it out, - But the fascinated crowd - Their deep surprise avowed - And all with a single voice averred - 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard-- - All save one who spake never a word, - But sat as mum - As if deaf and dumb, - Serene, indifferent and unstirred. - Then all the others turned to him - And scrutinized him limb from limb-- - Scanned him alive; - But he seemed to thrive - And tranquiler grow each minute, - As if there were nothing in it. - "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed - At what our friend has told?" He raised - Soberly then his eyes and gazed - In a natural way - And proceeded to say, - As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: - "O no--not at all; I'm a liar myself." - -IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues -of to-morrow. - -IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. - -INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain -kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be -entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of -proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible -because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for -examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, -commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay -evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis -than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the -Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long -dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known -to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they -now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its -support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be -proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was -such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. - -But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily -be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were -a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which -certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a -flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it -were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was -ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery -for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human -testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - -INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being -unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any -important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state -prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite -and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the -flight of birds--the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. -Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided -that the word--always in the plural--shall mean "patronage" or -"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the -Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities -were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." - - A Roman slave appeared one day - Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, - If--" here the Augur, smiling, made - A checking gesture and displayed - His open palm, which plainly itched, - For visibly its surface twitched. - A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) - Successfully allayed the tickle, - And then the slave proceeded: "Please - Inform me whether Fate decrees - Success or failure in what I - To-night (if it be dark) shall try. - Its nature? Never mind--I think - 'Tis writ on this"--and with a wink - Which darkened half the earth, he drew - Another denarius to view, - Its shining face attentive scanned, - Then slipped it into the good man's hand, - Who with great gravity said: "Wait - While I retire to question Fate." - That holy person then withdrew - His scared clay and, passing through - The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" - Waving his robe of office. Straight - Each sacred peacock and its mate - (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled - With clamor from the trees o'erhead, - Where they were perching for the night. - The temple's roof received their flight, - For thither they would always go, - When danger threatened them below. - Back to the slave the Augur went: - "My son, forecasting the event - By flight of birds, I must confess - The auspices deny success." - That slave retired, a sadder man, - Abandoning his secret plan-- - Which was (as well the craft seer - Had from the first divined) to clear - The wall and fraudulently seize - On Juno's poultry in the trees. - -G.J. - - -INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of -respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, -arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the -play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in -whatsoever it consisteth--coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, -or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own -subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and -all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but -to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be -rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and -their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the -lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who -bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, -being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily -accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and -rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." - -INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly -the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a -meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been -known to wear a moustache. - -INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two -things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for -one of them, but not enough for both--as Walt Whitman's poetry and -God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only -incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel -yourself--I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are -incompossible," would convey an equally significant intimation and in -stately courtesy are altogether superior. - -INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though -probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best -nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including -_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus -(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be -out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public -schools. - -Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself-- -tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless-- -sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm -of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, -generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to -learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from -their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; -but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the -test. - -INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - -INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir -Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to -do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it -followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many -chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards"--a most clear -and satisfactory exposition of the matter. - -"Your prompt decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain -occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five -minutes to make up your mind in." - -"Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great -thing to know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt -whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment--I toss up a -copper." - -"Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" - -"Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I -disobeyed the coin." - -INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. - - "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, - "You've grown indifferent to all in life." - "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; - "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." - -Apuleius M. Gokul - - -INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends -frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the -salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put -it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no -pray; big bellyache, heap God." - -INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. - -INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. - -INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, -"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon -afterward. - -INFERIAE, n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for -propitiation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the -pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual -needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor -might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising -materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of -Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an -audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically -recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, -giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down -to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at that -point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled -the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine -mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back -further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court -of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption -in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the -matter might be different; and to that I bow--wow. - -INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian -religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of -scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, -divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, -voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, -missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, -muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, -primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, -clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, -preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, -bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, -deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, -hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, -postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, -reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, -mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, -sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, -prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and -pumpums. - -INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a -substantial _quid_. - -INFRALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have -sinned unless he had a mind to--in opposition to the Supralapsarians, -who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the -beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without -material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about -Adam. - - Two theologues once, as they wended their way - To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray-- - An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, - Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. - "'Twas Predestination," cried one--"for the Lord - Decreed he should fall of his own accord." - "Not so--'twas Free will," the other maintained, - "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." - So fierce and so fiery grew the debate - That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; - So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground - And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. - Ere either had proved his theology right - By winning, or even beginning, the fight, - A gray old professor of Latin came by, - A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, - And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still - As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill - Of foreordinational freedom of will) - Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: - Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. - The sects ye belong to--I'm ready to swear - Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. - _You_--Infralapsarian son of a clown!-- - Should only contend that Adam slipped down; - While _you_--you Supralapsarian pup!-- - Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. - It's all the same whether up or down - You slip on a peel of banana brown. - Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, - But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! - -G.J. - - -INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise -an object of charity. - - "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," - The good philanthropist replied; - "I did great service to a man one day - Who never since has cursed me to repay, - Nor vilified." - - "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight-- - With veneration I am overcome, - And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate-- - He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state - This man is dumb." - -Ariel Selp - - -INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. - -INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others -and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the -back. - -INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and -water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote -intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and -contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to -blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and -acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an -edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal -quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have -established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others -to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid -to get in pays twice as much to get out. - -INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent--as innate ideas, that is to say, -ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to -us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths -of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible -to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it -"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in -one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's -country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance -of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's -diseases. - -IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent -investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute -observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the -mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our -immortal part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds -that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms -the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points -confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. -Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by -believing both. - -INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are -of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame -of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of -his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the -name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following -are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) - - "In the sky my soul is found, - And my body in the ground. - By and by my body'll rise - To my spirit in the skies, - Soaring up to Heaven's gate. - 1878." - - "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, -aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." - - "Affliction sore long time she boar, - Phisicians was in vain, - Till Deth released the dear deceased - And left her a remain. - Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." - - "The clay that rests beneath this stone - As Silas Wood was widely known. - Now, lying here, I ask what good - It was to let me be S. Wood. - O Man, let not ambition trouble you, - Is the advice of Silas W." - - "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had -the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." - -INSECTIVORA, n. - - "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, - "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" - "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: - For us He has provided wrens and swallows." - -Sempen Railey - - -INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player -is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating -the man who keeps the table. - - INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house--pray let me - insure it. - HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so - low that by the time when, according to the tables of your - actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have - paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. - INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no--we could not afford to do that. - We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. - HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? - INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. - There was Smith's house, for example, which-- - HOUSE OWNER: Spare me--there were Brown's house, on the - contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which-- - INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! - HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay - you money on the supposition that something will occur - previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In - other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last - so long as you say that it will probably last. - INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it - will be a total loss. - HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon--by your own actuary's tables I - shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I - would otherwise have paid to you--amounting to more than the - face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to - burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are - based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were - insured? - INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our - luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your - loss. - HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their - losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before - they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case - stands this way: you expect to take more money from your - clients than you pay to them, do you not? - INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not-- - HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well - then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of - your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, - with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is - these individual probabilities that make the aggregate - certainty. - INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it--but look at the figures in - this pamph-- - HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! - INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would - otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander - them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. - HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is - not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you - command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a - Deserving Object. - -INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure -to substitute misrule for bad government. - -INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of -influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, -immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. - -INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to -understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to -the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - -INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is -governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment -of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most -unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm -again. - -INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for -their mutual destruction. - - Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue - And one in white, together drew - And having each a pleasant sense - Of t'other powder's excellence, - Forsook their jackets for the snug - Enjoyment of a common mug. - So close their intimacy grew - One paper would have held the two. - To confidences straight they fell, - Less anxious each to hear than tell; - Then each remorsefully confessed - To all the virtues he possessed, - Acknowledging he had them in - So high degree it was a sin. - The more they said, the more they felt - Their spirits with emotion melt, - Till tears of sentiment expressed - Their feelings. Then they effervesced! - So Nature executes her feats - Of wrath on friends and sympathetes - The good old rule who won't apply, - That you are you and I am I. - -INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the -gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The -introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, -being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every -American being the equal of every other American, it follows that -everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the -right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of -Independence should have read thus: - - "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are - created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain - inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to - make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an - incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the - liberty to introduce persons to one another without first - ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and - the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of - strangers." - -INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, -levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - -IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. - -ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. - - - - -J - - - -J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel-- -than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has -been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and -it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, -_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the -dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as -expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of -Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of -three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the -j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. - -JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which -can be lost only if not worth keeping. - -JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose -business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and -utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The -king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some -centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were -sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of -all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and -romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise -and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the -court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same -jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the -patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. - - The widow-queen of Portugal - Had an audacious jester - Who entered the confessional - Disguised, and there confessed her. - - "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down-- - My sins are more than scarlet: - I love my fool--blaspheming clown, - And common, base-born varlet." - - "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, - "That sin, indeed, is awful: - The church's pardon is denied - To love that is unlawful. - "But since thy stubborn heart will be - For him forever pleading, - Thou'dst better make him, by decree, - A man of birth and breeding." - - She made the fool a duke, in hope - With Heaven's taboo to palter; - Then told a priest, who told the Pope, - Who damned her from the altar! - -Barel Dort - - -JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with -the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. - -JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan -tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. - -JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition -the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes -and personal service. - - - - -K - - - -K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced -away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation -inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called -_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was -originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker -explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the -destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ -730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its -portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other -remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to -have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great -antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural--not to say -touching--means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. -It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional -mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one -of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no -objection to believing both--and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on -that side of the question. - -KEEP, v.t. - - He willed away his whole estate, - And then in death he fell asleep, - Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, - My name unblemished I shall keep." - But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought - Whose was it?--for the dead keep naught. - -Durang Gophel Arn - - -KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. - -KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and -Americans in Scotland. - -KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. - -KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," -although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. - - A king, in times long, long gone by, - Said to his lazy jester: - "If I were you and you were I - My moments merrily would fly-- - Nor care nor grief to pester." - - "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," - The fool said--"if you'll hear it-- - Is that of all the fools alive - Who own you for their sovereign, I've - The most forgiving spirit." - -Oogum Bem - - -KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the -sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the -most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the -ailing subjects and make them whole-- - - a crowd of wretched souls - That stay his cure: their malady convinces - The great essay of art; but at his touch, - Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, - They presently amend, - -as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the -royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown -properties; for according to "Malcolm," - - 'tis spoken - To the succeeding royalty he leaves - The healing benediction. - -But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the -later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the -disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler -one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the -following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but -it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national -disorder is not a thing of yesterday. - - Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, - Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. - He layde his hand on mine and sayd: - "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. - But O ye wofull plyght in wh. - I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! - -The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is -dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of -custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and -shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great -dignitary bestows his healing salutation on - - strangely visited people, - All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, - The mere despair of surgery, - -he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once -was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of -men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival"--one which brings -the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." - -KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is -supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony -appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its -performance is unknown to this lexicographer. - -KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. - -KNIGHT, n. - - Once a warrior gentle of birth, - Then a person of civic worth, - Now a fellow to move our mirth. - Warrior, person, and fellow--no more: - We must knight our dogs to get any lower. - Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, - Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, - Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, - Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. - God speed the day when this knighting fad - Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. - -KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been -written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a -wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. - - - - -L - - - -LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - -LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The -theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control -is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the -superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some -have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own -implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass -are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that -if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will -be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to -exist. - - A life on the ocean wave, - A home on the rolling deep, - For the spark that nature gave - I have there the right to keep. - - They give me the cat-o'-nine - Whenever I go ashore. - Then ho! for the flashing brine-- - I'm a natural commodore! - -Dodle - - -LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding -another's treasure. - -LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest -of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. -The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the -serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as -one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human -intelligence over brute inertia. - -LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system--an -admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly -useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and -heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, -imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's -substantial welfare. - -LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as -opportunity to the maker of puns. - - Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, - Where the cobbler is unknown, - So that I might forget his last - And hear your own. - -Gargo Repsky - - -LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the -features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious -and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter -is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals-- -these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, -but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in -bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to -animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has -not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that -the infectious character of laughter is due to the instantaneous -fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he -names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. - -LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the -Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as -dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal -funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had -the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and -cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense -which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the -aspect of a national crime. - -LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and -formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as -had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) - -LAW, n. - - Once Law was sitting on the bench, - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. - "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. - Upon your knees if you appear, - 'Tis plain your have no standing here." - - Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "_Your_ status?--devil seize you!" - "_Amica curiae,_" she replied-- - "Friend of the court, so please you." - "Begone!" he shouted--"there's the door-- - I never saw your face before!" - -G.J. - - -LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. - -LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. - -LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. - -LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to -light lovers--particularly to those who love not wisely but other -men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an -argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong -way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international -controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is -precipitated in great quantities. - - Hail, holy Lead!--of human feuds the great - And universal arbiter; endowed - With penetration to pierce any cloud - Fogging the field of controversial hate, - And with a swift, inevitable, straight, - Searching precision find the unavowed - But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed - By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. - O useful metal!--were it not for thee - We'd grapple one another's ears alway: - But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee - We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." - And when the quick have run away like pellets - Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. - -LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. - -LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear -and his faith in your patience. - -LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of -tears. - -LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in -which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as -in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: - - The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. - Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" - -It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to -teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses -are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to -find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a -rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. - -LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that -pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the -good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man -has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the -appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being -reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire -comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to -shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to -the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, -salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with -sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an -intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." - -LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some -suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished -ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with -considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus -Polandensis_) or Polliwig--_Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an -exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous -monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. - -LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of -recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does -what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and -mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his -dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas -his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural -servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial -power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a -chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) -mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men -thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however -desirable its restoration to favor--whereby the process of -impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. -On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, -recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow -at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has -no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" ---although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven -forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the -dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when -from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own -meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a -Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end -and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy -preservation--sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion--the -lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which -his Creator had not created him to create. - - God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," - And lexicographers arose, a swarm! - Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, - And catalogued each garment in a book. - Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: - "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise - And scan the list, and say without compassion: - "Excuse us--they are mostly out of fashion." - -Sigismund Smith - - -LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. - -LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. - - The rising People, hot and out of breath, - Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" - "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; - You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." - -Martha Braymance - - -LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing -a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the -blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the -lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the -latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling -is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a -confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and -the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will -cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. - -LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live -in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. -The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; -particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written -at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of -the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of -successful controversy. - - "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," - Carelessly caroled the golden youth. - In manhood still he maintained that view - And held it more strongly the older he grew. - When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, - "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. - -Han Soper - - -LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the -government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. - -LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. - - 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, - And the salesman laced them tight - To a very remarkable height-- - Higher, indeed, than I think he ought-- - Higher than _can_ be right. - For the Bible declares--but never mind: - It is hardly fit - To censure freely and fault to find - With others for sins that I'm not inclined - Myself to commit. - Each has his weakness, and though my own - Is freedom from every sin, - It still were unfair to pitch in, - Discharging the first censorious stone. - Besides, the truth compels me to say, - The boots in question were _made_ that way. - As he drew the lace she made a grimace, - And blushingly said to him: - "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, - It hurts my--hurts my--limb." - The salesman smiled in a manner mild, - Like an artless, undesigning child; - Then, checking himself, to his face he gave - A look as sorrowful as the grave, - Though he didn't care two figs - For her pains and throes, - As he stroked her toes, - Remarking with speech and manner just - Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust - That it doesn't hurt your twigs." - -B. Percival Dike - - -LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, -entails a great waste of hemp."--Calcraft the Hangman. - -LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of -retaining his bones. - -LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of -as a sausage. - -LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be -bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary -anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to -infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side -of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time -considered the seat of life; hence its name--liver, the thing we -live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it -that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. - -LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one -learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast -upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, -and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At -the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the -expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old -D.D.--_Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum -Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been -suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who -points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the -advantage of a degree. - -LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and -enlightenment. - -LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that -delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. - -LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with -the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The -basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor -premise and a conclusion--thus: - -_Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as -quickly as one man. - -_Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; -therefore-- - -_Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by -combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are -twice blessed. - -LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds -punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem--a kind of contest in -which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is -denied the reward of success. - - 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men - That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. - Alas! we cannot know if this is true, - For reading Milton's wit we perish too. - -LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance -while maturing a plan of revenge. - -LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. - -LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting -show for man's disillusion given. - -The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso -looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain -courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby -enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: -"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of -thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, -prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign -countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of -the Universe!" - -Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be -conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither -without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but -idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with -cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the -glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, -he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and -that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this -was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his -image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody -bandage on one of its hinder hooves--as the artificers and all who -had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught -wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the -mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with -justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while -on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure -of an angel, which remains to this day. - -LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb -his tongue when you wish to talk. - -LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a -costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The -traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry -Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, -as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather -flattery than true reverence. - - Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, - Wedded a wandering English lord-- - Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," - A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. - Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare - Unworthy the father-in-legal care - Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth - That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; - For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage - Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. - Among them, cupidity caused him to urge - Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, - Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw - Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, - And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, - To the business of being a lord himself. - His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed - And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; - Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear - A whisker that looked like a blasted career. - He painted his neck an incarnadine hue - Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. - The moony monocular set in his eye - Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. - His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, - And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. - In speech he eschewed his American ways, - Denying his nose to the use of his A's - And dulling their edge till the delicate sense - Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. - His H's--'twas most inexpressibly sweet, - The patter they made as they fell at his feet! - Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear - Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. - Alas, the Divinity shaping his end - Entertained other views and decided to send - His lordship in horror, despair and dismay - From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. - For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde - Fell--suffering Caesar!--in love with her dad! - -G.J. - - -LORE, n. Learning--particularly that sort which is not derived from -a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult -books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore -and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's -_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these -traced backward, through various people on converging lines, toward a -common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of -"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little -Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The -Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The -fable which Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The -Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and -the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these -myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." - -LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the -latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his -election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost -his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the -word is used in the famous epitaph: - - Here Huntington's ashes long have lain - Whose loss is our eternal gain, - For while he exercised all his powers - Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. - -LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of -the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. -This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only -among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous -nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from -its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the -physician than to the patient. - -LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. - -LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not -writing about it. - -LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from -Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been -described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much -agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity -with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill -tribes of Vermont. - -LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a -figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following -fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: - - I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, - And pick with care the disobedient wire. - That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook - With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. - I bide my time, and it shall come at length, - When, with a Titan's energy and strength, - I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, - The word shall suffer when I let them go! - -Farquharson Harris - - - - - -M - - - -MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a -heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from -dissent. - -MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling -one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. - - So plain the advantages of machination - It constitutes a moral obligation, - And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing - Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. - So prospers still the diplomatic art, - And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. - -R.S.K. - - -MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. -History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old -Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A -Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he -had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. -Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he -could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a -linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five -hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. -There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. -Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of -_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes -back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The -President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the -friends of his youth have risen to high political and military -preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses -following were written by a macrobian: - - When I was young the world was fair - And amiable and sunny. - A brightness was in all the air, - In all the waters, honey. - The jokes were fine and funny, - The statesmen honest in their views, - And in their lives, as well, - And when you heard a bit of news - 'Twas true enough to tell. - Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, - Nor women "generally speaking." - - The Summer then was long indeed: - It lasted one whole season! - The sparkling Winter gave no heed - When ordered by Unreason - To bring the early peas on. - Now, where the dickens is the sense - In calling that a year - Which does no more than just commence - Before the end is near? - When I was young the year extended - From month to month until it ended. - I know not why the world has changed - To something dark and dreary, - And everything is now arranged - To make a fellow weary. - The Weather Man--I fear he - Has much to do with it, for, sure, - The air is not the same: - It chokes you when it is impure, - When pure it makes you lame. - With windows closed you are asthmatic; - Open, neuralgic or sciatic. - - Well, I suppose this new regime - Of dun degeneration - Seems eviler than it would seem - To a better observation, - And has for compensation - Some blessings in a deep disguise - Which mortal sight has failed - To pierce, although to angels' eyes - They're visible unveiled. - If Age is such a boon, good land! - He's costumed by a master hand! - -Venable Strigg - - -MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; -not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by -the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; -in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad -by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For -illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no -firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any -madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead -of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he -may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum -and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many -thoughtless spectators. - -MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found -out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary -of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by -St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of -Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is -pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly -sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for -Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of -revisers. - -MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are -other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet -lexicographer does not name them. - -MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. - -MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the -works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the -subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of -human knowledge. - -MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to -which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, -or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. - -MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is -large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased -in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was -before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be -larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the -relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the -astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. -For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a -small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the -life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee -creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the -proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of -these to another. - -MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone -that it might be taught to talk. - -MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless -conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide -geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored -wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, -nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though -in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with -regard to the part of her that is audible, bleaten out of the field -by the canary--which, also, is more portable. - - A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang-- - This quaint, sweet song sang she; - "It's O for a youth with a football bang - And a muscle fair to see! - The Captain he - Of a team to be! - On the gridiron he shall shine, - A monarch by right divine, - And never to roast on it--me!" - -Opoline Jones - - -MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just -contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great -Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders -of republican America. - -MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male -of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The -genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. - -MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus -believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could -not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the -Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers -have been of the same way of thinking. - -MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a -state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened -put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. - -MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple -is in the holy city of New York. - - He swore that all other religions were gammon, - And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. - -Jared Oopf - - -MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he -thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His -chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own -species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to -infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - - When the world was young and Man was new, - And everything was pleasant, - Distinctions Nature never drew - 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. - We're not that way at present, - Save here in this Republic, where - We have that old regime, - For all are kings, however bare - Their backs, howe'er extreme - Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice - To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. - - A citizen who would not vote, - And, therefore, was detested, - Was one day with a tarry coat - (With feathers backed and breasted) - By patriots invested. - "It is your duty," cried the crowd, - "Your ballot true to cast - For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, - And explained his wicked past: - "That's what I very gladly would have done, - Dear patriots, but he has never run." - -Apperton Duke - - -MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in -a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had -exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been -particularly happy afterward. - -MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare -between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians -joined the victorious Opposition. - -MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the -wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled -down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies -of the original occupants. - -MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a -master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - -MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a -desired death. - -MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an -imaginary one. Important. - - Material things I know, or feel, or see; - All else is immaterial to me. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. - -MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a -state religion. - -ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in -English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the -oppressive. Each is all three. - -MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the -ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of -Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing -when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. - -MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, -attainments or services more or less authentic. - -It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for -gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of -the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he -didn't. - -MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. - -MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth -while. - - M is for Moses, - Who slew the Egyptian. - As sweet as a rose is - The meekness of Moses. - No monument shows his - Post-mortem inscription, - But M is for Moses - Who slew the Egyptian. - -_The Biographical Alphabet_ - -MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed -to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in -coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen -engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been -disclosed by the manufacturers. - - There was a youth (you've heard before, - This woeful tale, may be), - Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore - That color it would he! - - He shut himself from the world away, - Nor any soul he saw. - He smoked by night, he smoked by day, - As hard as he could draw. - - His dog died moaning in the wrath - Of winds that blew aloof; - The weeds were in the gravel path, - The owl was on the roof. - - "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," - The neighbors sadly say. - And so they batter in the door - To take his goods away. - - Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, - Nut-brown in face and limb. - "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, - "But it has colored him!" - - The moral there's small need to sing-- - 'Tis plain as day to you: - Don't play your game on any thing - That is a gamester too. - -Martin Bulstrode - - -MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. - -MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial -pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. - -MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. - -MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage -and asked Incredulity to dinner. - -METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. - -MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be -screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. - -MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its -chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, -the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing -but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown -to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor -over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," -emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's -conscia recti." - -MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. - -MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. -In diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible -embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification -is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. - -MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. - -MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with -a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can -bear. - -MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and -unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with -four aces and a king. - -MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. -Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present -signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to -the development of our language. - -MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a -felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal -society. - - By misdemeanors he essays to climb - Into the aristocracy of crime. - O, woe was him!--with manner chill and grand - "Captains of industry" refused his hand, - "Kings of finance" denied him recognition - And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. - He robbed a bank to make himself respected. - They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. - -S.V. Hanipur - - -MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the -foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. - -MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. - -MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate -that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are -the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound -and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In -the general abolition of social titles in this our country they -miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be -consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest -Mush, abbreviated to Mh. - -MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is -distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit -of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, -indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the -structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the -atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of -precipitation of matter from ether--whose existence is proved by the -condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific -thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the -molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth -theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more -about the matter than the others. - -MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See -_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to -be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without -manifestation--Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of -considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which -the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentleman. -Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities -needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class ---altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be -confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern -him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct -species. - -MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch -ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects -have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has -still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the -disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political -administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being -somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his -own head. - -MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. - -MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - -MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we -part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite -society. Supportable property. - -MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in -genealogical trees. - -MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary -babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound -by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon--that is -to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable -of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. - - The man who writes in Saxon - Is the man to use an ax on - -Judibras - - -MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of -our religion overlooked the advantages. - -MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which -either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. - - The bones of Agammemnon are a show, - And ruined is his royal monument, - -but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The -monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the -unknown dead"--that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of -those who have left no memory. - -MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. -Having the quality of general expediency. - - It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on - one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other - syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much - conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act - as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. - - _Gooke's Meditations_ - - -MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. - -MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in -Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in -Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female -heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only -Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs -met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even -attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by -declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, -some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from -lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of -the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths -lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical -figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to -lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. - -MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in -New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell -muskeeter. - -MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of -the heart. - -MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted -to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. - -MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. - -MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In -a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude -of counsellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of -equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be -that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting -together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere--as well say -that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains -composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey -him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. - -MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern -civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with -an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the -vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower -animals. - - By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, - Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. - We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, - Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, - Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, - And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. - O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: - For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? - -Scopas Brune - - -MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English -society, the American wife of an English nobleman. - -MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles--particularly when he didn't -lead. - -MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its -origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished -from the true accounts which it invents later. - - - - -N - - - -NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The -secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe -that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. - - Juno drank a cup of nectar, - But the draught did not affect her. - Juno drank a cup of rye-- - Then she bad herself good-bye. - -J.G. - - -NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political -problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to -build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, -appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. - -NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who -does all he knows how to make us disobedient. - -NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of -the party. - -NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented -by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but -was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so -far as to be able to say when. - -NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but -Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. - -NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable -annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to -understand it. - -NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious -to incur social distinction and suffer high life. - -NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief -product and authenticating sign of civilization. - -NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To -put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting -of the opposition. - -NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of -private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public -office. - -NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. - -NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent -dictionary. - -NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that -great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the -age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed -that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of -others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that -the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - - There's a man with a Nose, - And wherever he goes - The people run from him and shout: - "No cotton have we - For our ears if so be - He blow that interminous snout!" - - So the lawyers applied - For injunction. "Denied," - Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, - Whate'er it portend, - Appears to transcend - The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." - -Arpad Singiny - - -NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The -kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A -Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending -and descending. - -NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which -merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is -a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of -reasoning--which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and -exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the -endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah -(therefore) for the noumenon! - -NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the -same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is -too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its -successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, -totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read -all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. -To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its -distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal -actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category -of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to -mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; -and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, -imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it -was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace -to its ashes--some of which have a large sale. - -NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - - - - -O - - - -OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the -conscience by a penalty for perjury. - -OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from -struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. -Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet -their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory -without an alarm clock. - -OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses -of their predecessors. - -OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and -other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. -Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for -every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently -seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally -driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the -peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a -woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a -hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap -higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in -Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the -soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The -soldier, unfortunately, did not. - -OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. -A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter -an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a -good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good -enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward -"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as -anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete -and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and -sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the -vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a -competent reader. - -OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the -splendor and stress of our advocacy. - -The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most -intelligent animal. - -OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, -however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase -"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such -as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict -us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no -reference to irregular recurrence. - -OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the -Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of -the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, -which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are -the principal industries of the Orient. - -OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made -for man--who has no gills. - -OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as -the advance of an army against its enemy. - -"Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should -say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't -come out of his works!" - -OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with -general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time -and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. - - "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. - "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." - Nature herself approves the Goby rule - And gives us every moment a fresh fool. - -Harley Shum - - -OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. - -Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as -"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever -afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the -vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies -have only to find it. - -OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by -gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and -mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his -appetite. - - His name the smirking tourist scrawls - Upon Minerva's temple walls, - Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, - And marks his appetite's abuse. - -Averil Joop - - -OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. - -ONCE, adv. Enough. - -OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose -inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no -postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word -_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for -his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_)--the ape -that howls. - - The actor apes a man--at least in shape; - The opera performer apes an ape. - -OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into -the jail yard. - -OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. - -OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. - - How lonely he who thinks to vex - With bandinage the Solemn Sex! - Of levity, Mere Man, beware; - None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. - -Percy P. Orminder - - -OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from -running amuck by hamstringing it. - -The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of -government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members -of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of -these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister -carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. -Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. -Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that -if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their -heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. - -"What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions -cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." - -"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is -true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all -is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." - -So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition -embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and -nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the -nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was -defeated--the members of the Government party had not been nailed to -their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put -to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, -and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished -from Ghargaroo. - -OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, -including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and -everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by -those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and -is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a -blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof--an -intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is -hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - -OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. - -A pessimist applied to God for relief. - -"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - -"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that -would justify them." - -"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked -something--the mortality of the optimist." - -ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the -understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. - -ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of -filial ingratitude--a privation appealing with a particular -eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the -orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of -its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It -is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and -eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or -scullery maid. - -ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. - -ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the -ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every -asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since -the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to -be conceded hereafter. - - A spelling reformer indicted - For fudge was before the court cicted. - The judge said: "Enough-- - His candle we'll snough, - And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." - -OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature -has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have -seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working -pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, -the ostrich does not fly. - -OTHERWISE, adv. No better. - -OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of -intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom -of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal -nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the -doer had when he performed it. - -OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. - -OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no -government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire -poets. - - I climbed to the top of a mountain one day - To see the sun setting in glory, - And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, - Of a perfectly splendid story. - - 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode - Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; - Then the man would carry him miles on the road - Till Neddy was pretty well rested. - - The moon rising solemnly over the crest - Of the hills to the east of my station - Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west - Like a visible new creation. - - And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) - Of an idle young woman who tarried - About a church-door for a look at the bride, - Although 'twas herself that was married. - - To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand - Ideas--with thought and emotion. - I pity the dunces who don't understand - The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. - -Stromboli Smith - - -OVATION, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of -one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A -lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to -signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the -hero of the hour and place. - - "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, - But I thought it uncommonly queer, - That people and critics by him had been led - By the ear. - - The Latin lexicon makes his absurd - Assertion as plain as a peg; - In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. - It means egg. - -Dudley Spink - - -OVEREAT, v. To dine. - - Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, - Well skilled to overeat without distress! - Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, - Shows Man's superiority to Beast. - -John Boop - - -OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries -who want to go fishing. - -OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified -not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of -debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and -liabilities. - -OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the -hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are -sometimes given to the poor. - - - - -P - - - -PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical -basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely -mental, caused by the good fortune of another. - -PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and -exposing them to the critic. - -Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: -the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between -the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. - -PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great -official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church -is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a -field, or wayside. There is progress. - -PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the -familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed -and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of -invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece -of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. -The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a -considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known -as "benefactions." - -PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's -classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in -"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The -pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very -accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted -plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading -it aloud. - -PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them -have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a -lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the -ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his -pride of distinction. - -PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The -garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of -flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called -"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. - -PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in -contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. - -PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to -the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. - -PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To -add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. - -PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going -abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special -reprobation and outrage. - -PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we -have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the -Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These -two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually -effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow -and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The -Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the -one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential -prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, -beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is -the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They -are one--the knowledge and the dream. - -PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for -intellectual debility. - -PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. - -PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to -those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. - -PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one -ambitious to illuminate his name. - -In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the -last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened -but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two -periods of fighting. - - O, what's the loud uproar assailing - Mine ears without cease? - 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing - The horrors of peace. - - Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it-- - Would marry it, too. - If only they knew how to do it - 'Twere easy to do. - - They're working by night and by day - On their problem, like moles. - Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, - On their meddlesome souls! - -Ro Amil - - -PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an -automobile. - -PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor -with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. - -PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. - -PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the -actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. - -The editor of an English magazine having received a letter -pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed -"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't -agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. - -PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of -Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in -order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution--they -knew no more of the matter than he. - -PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, -but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous -peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in -preparing it. - -PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an -inglorious success. - - "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, - Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. - "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare-- - The one at the goal while the other is--where?" - Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease - Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, - The goal and the rival forgotten alike, - And the long fatigue of the needless hike. - His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew - Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, - He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, - A winner of all that is good in a race. - -Sukker Uffro - - -PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the -observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his -scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - -PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has -trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. - -PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, -following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is -sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always -solemn. - -PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. - -PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." - -PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. - -PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in -art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite -so good as that of a Cheyenne. - -PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. -It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe -with. - -PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs -when well. - -PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by -the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which -is the standard of excellence. - - "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, - "To read the mind's construction in the face." - The physiognomists his portrait scan, - And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! - He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, - So, in his own defence, denied our art." - -Lavatar Shunk - - -PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It -is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the -audience. - -PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus -dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. - -PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome -in three. - - "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view-- - Taken from Life." If that description's true, - Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. - -Jali Hane - - -PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. - - Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. - -Rev. Dr. Mucker - -(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) - - Cold pie is a detestable - American comestible. - That's why I'm done--or undone-- - So far from that dear London. - -(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) - - -PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed -resemblance to man. - - The pig is taught by sermons and epistles - To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. - -Judibras - - -PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human -race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is -inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. - -PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers -in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The -Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians ---who are Hogmies. - -PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was -one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms -through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could -personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. - -PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction ---prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere -virtues and blameless lives. - -PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. - -PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary -encounter with oneself. - -PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. - -PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable -priority and an honorable subsequence. - -PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom -one has never, never read. - -PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for -admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the -Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is -merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless -objectionableness. - -PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an -accidental result. - -PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular -literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of -a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in -artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a -departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose -of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the -sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. - -PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic -Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a -frost. - -PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and -devour it. - -PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. - -PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. - -PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained -nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a -saturated solution. - -PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. - -PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary -is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he -never exert it. - -PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. - -PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the -pen. - -PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the -decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of -ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the -wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanished opportunity. - -POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In -woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her -conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of -others. - -POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the -Magazines. - -POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to -this lexicographer unknown. - -POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. - -POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. - -POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of -principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the -superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he -mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. -As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being -alive. - -POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with -several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which -has but one. - -POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found -in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an -uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the -power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing -independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he -possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech -of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was -known as "The Matter with Kansas." - -PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of -possession. - - His light estate, if neither he did make it - Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, - Is portable improperty, I take it. - -Worgum Slupsky - - -PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They -are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed -with garlic. - -POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - -POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and -affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, -its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. - -POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a -popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure -competitor. - -POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; -indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find -it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as -thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and -diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all -countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of -substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that -liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be -unscientific--and without science we are as the snakes and toads. - -POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The -number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who -suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about -it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues -and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a -prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. - -PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf -of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory -race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily -conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to -have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its -known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and -theologians with a controversy. - -PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in -the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a -Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of -doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has -only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate -those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates -the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the -noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. - -PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. - - Precipitate in all, this sinner - Took action first, and then his dinner. - -Judibras - - -PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to -programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of -foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does -not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other -doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough -to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. -With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a -reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. - -PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. - -PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. - -PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. - -PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the -erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. - -An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no -better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. -"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." - -It is longer. - -PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. -Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. - - He lived in a period prehistoric, - When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. - Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, - Set down great events in succession and order, - He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous - In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and -a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. - -PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. - -PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government -authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. - -PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the -situation with least harm to the patient. - -PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of -disappointment from the realm of hope. - -PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time -and place. - -In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony -if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in -New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he -must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. - -PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable -result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He -presided at the piccolo." - - The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, - Read with a solemn face: - "The music was very uncommonly grand-- - The best that was every provided, - For our townsman Brown presided - At the organ with skill and grace." - The Headliner discontinued to read, - And, spread the paper down - On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: - "Great playing by President Brown." - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American -politics. - -PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom-- -and of whom only--it is positively known that immense numbers of -their countrymen did not want any of them for President. - - If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater - To have been a simple and undamned spectator. - Behold in me a man of mark and note - Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!-- - An undiscredited, unhooted gent - Who might, for all we know, be President - By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer-- - I'm passing with a wide and open ear! - -Jonathan Fomry - - -PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar state. - -PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of -conscience in demanding it. - -PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported -by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the -Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies -Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is -commonly dead. - -PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us -that-- - - "Stone walls do not a prison make," - -but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the -moral instructor is no garden of sweets. - -PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his -knapsack and an impediment in his hope. - -PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him -in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. -For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. - -Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the -illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and -answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high -promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous -humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No -successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of -_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and -sweetness of his personal character. - -PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly -these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, -with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could -supply--the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of -prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into -favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its -capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of -propulsion. - -PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of -unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to -that of only one. - -PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing -nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. - -PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may -be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the -passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The -object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. - -PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for -future delivery. - -PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually -forbidden. - - Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes-- - O'er Ceylon blow your breath, - Where every prospect pleases, - Save only that of death. - -Bishop Sheber - - -PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the -person so describing it. - -PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. - -PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in -a cone of critics. - -PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, -especially in politics. The other is Pull. - -PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It -consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its -modern professors have added that. - - - - -Q - - - -QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, -and through whom it is ruled when there is not. - -QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly -wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its -modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting -Presence. - -QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the -aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. - - He extracted from his quiver, - Did the controversial Roman, - An argument well fitted - To the question as submitted, - Then addressed it to the liver, - Of the unpersuaded foeman. - -Oglum P. Boomp - - -QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into -the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily -denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name -is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. - - When ignorance from out of our lives can banish - Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. - -Juan Smith - - -QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to -have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United -States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on -Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of -Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. - -QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. -The words erroneously repeated. - - Intent on making his quotation truer, - He sought the page infallible of Brewer, - Then made a solemn vow that he would be - Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! - -Stumpo Gaker - - -QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging -to one person is contained in the pocket of another--usually about -as many times as it can be got there. - - - - -R - - - -RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority -tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred -Simurgh, of Arabian fable--omnipotent on condition that it do -nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in -our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") - -RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading -devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to -the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now -held in light popular esteem. - -RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. - - He held at court a rank so high - That other noblemen asked why. - "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack - His skill to scratch the royal back." - -Aramis Jukes - - -RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, -nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. - -RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. - -RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point -out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained -that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and -that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared -after the recipe of a she banker. - -RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. - -RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded -intellect. - -RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. - - "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let - These gamblers take your cash." - "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! - How can you be so rash?" - -Bootle P. Gish - - -RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, -experience and reflection. - -RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. - -RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, -by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to -affirm his worth. - -REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within -which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the -propensity to provide. - - This is a truth, as old as the hills, - That life and experience teach: - The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, - An impediment in his reach. - -G.J. - - -READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it -consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and -humor in slang. - - We know by one's reading - His learning and breeding; - By what draws his laughter - We know his Hereafter. - Read nothing, laugh never-- - The Sphinx was less clever! - -Jupiter Muke - - -RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the -affairs of to-day. - -RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ -that a scientist is a fool with. - -RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get -away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose -the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits -him to make the transit with great expedition. - -RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, -otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings -of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our -earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the -White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of -the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a -brick. - -REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The -charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a -measuring-worm. - -REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain -in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. - -REALLY, adv. Apparently. - -REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army -that is nearest to Congress. - -REASON, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. - -REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. - -REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. -Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. - -REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish -it. - -RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously -known. - -RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for -the purpose of digging up the dead. - -RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. - -RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded -to the player against whom they are loaded. - -RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general -fatigue. - -RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform -and from a soldier by his gait. - - Fresh from the farm or factory or street, - His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, - Were an impressive martial spectacle - Except for two impediments--his feet. - -Thompson Johnson - - -RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the -parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. - -REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, -through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The -doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy -religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have -everlasting life in which to try to understand it. - - We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, - And take some special measure for redeeming it; - Though hard indeed the task to get it in - Among the angels any way but teaming it, - Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. - I'm awkward at Redemption--a beginner: - My method is to crucify the sinner. - -Golgo Brone - - -REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. - -Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the -king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of -the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own -naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and -it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. - -RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red--at -least not on the outside. - -REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. - - The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant - To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." - To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, - Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." - -Habeeb Suleiman - - - Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. - -Theodore Roosevelt - - -REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a -popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. - -REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view -of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the -perils that we shall not again encounter. - -REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to -reformation. - -REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and -Joshua provided six cities of refuge--Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, -Schekem and Hebron--to which one who had taken life inadvertently -could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable -expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to -enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was -appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of -early Greece. - -REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand -in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a -rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by -a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of -finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the -refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by -some casuists the refusal assentive. - -REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such -ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of -Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League -of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society -of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Gorgeous Regalians; -Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of -the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long -Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the -Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant -Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining -Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of -the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the -Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the -Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of -Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; -Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; -Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the -Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient -Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; -Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of -Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; -the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of -Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; -Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. - -RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the -nature of the Unknowable. - - "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. - "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." - "Then why do you not become an atheist?" - "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." - "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." - -RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the -true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the -lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. -Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent -the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable -times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once -escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of -the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three -times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan -in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the -library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was -seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the -diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the -Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. - -RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame--a -little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable -than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and -inconsiderate hand. - - I touched the harp in every key, - But found no heeding ear; - And then Ithuriel touched me - With a revealing spear. - - Not all my genius, great as 'tis, - Could urge me out of night. - I felt the faint appulse of his, - And leapt into the light! - -W.J. Candleton - - -REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted -from the satisfaction felt in committing it. - -REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a -constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to -offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. - -REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It -is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not -inconsistent with continuity of sin. - - Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, - You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? - How needless!--Nick will keep you off the coals - And add you to the woes of other souls. - -Jomater Abemy - - -REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made -the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which -is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the -replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful -than it looks. - -REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it -with a tempest of words. - - "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou - Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" - So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew - Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." - -Barson Maith - - -REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. - -REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House -in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. - -REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal -prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, -whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his -conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are -predestined to salvation. - -REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing -governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to -enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of -public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from -ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. -There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between -the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. - -REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the -winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of -providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. - -RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. - -RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an -advantage for a greater advantage. - - 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed - A true renunciation - Of title, rank and every kind - Of military station-- - Each honorable station. - - By his example fired--inclined - To noble emulation, - The country humbly was resigned - To Leonard's resignation-- - His Christian resignation. - -Politian Greame - - -RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. - -RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head -and a bank account. - -RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an -inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its -passage to the lungs. - -RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, -to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have -been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of -a disagreeable expectation. - - Altgeld upon his incandescent bed - Lay, an attendant demon at his head. - - "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief-- - Some respite from the roast, however brief." - - "Remember how on earth I pardoned all - Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." - - "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm - O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. - - "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, - Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. - - "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, - Not even the memory of who you are." - - Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; - Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. - - "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be - As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." - - "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack - You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." - - A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide - While they were turning him on t'other side. - -Joel Spate Woop - - -RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in -his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an -elemental unit of a parade. - - The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- - and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. - -"Chronicles of the Classes" - - -RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness -of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external -coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, -responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is -to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, -incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. - -RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the -shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days -of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. - - Alas, things ain't what we should see - If Eve had let that apple be; - And many a feller which had ought - To set with monarchses of thought, - Or play some rosy little game - With battle-chaps on fields of fame, - Is downed by his unlucky star - And hollers: "Peanuts!--here you are!" - -"The Sturdy Beggar" - - -RESTITUTION, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public -libraries by gift or bequest. - -RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. - -RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of -Law. - -RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon -the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by -evicting them. - -In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father -Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the -imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking -exercise: - - What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go - Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? - Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? - 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, - And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at - Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know - That empires are ungrateful; are you certain - Republics are less handy to get hurt in? - -REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields -no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the -American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that -pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their -misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. - -REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed -all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know -nothing. - -REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a -man. - -REVIEW, v.t. - - To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, - Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) - At work upon a book, and so read out of it - The qualities that you have first read into it. - -REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of -misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of -the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the -welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. -Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of -blood, but are accounted worth it--this appraisement being made by -beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The -French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; -when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are -inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law -and order. - -RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for -precious metals in the pocket of a fool. - -RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. - -RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. -The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been -used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious -writers of the fifteenth century--commonly, indeed, regarded as the -founder of the Fastidiotic School. - -RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular -novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the -conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, -and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. - -RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property -of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the -luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the -Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid -advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. - -RICHES, n. - - A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in - whom I am well pleased." - -John D. Rockefeller - - - The reward of toil and virtue. - -J.P. Morgan - - - The savings of many in the hands of one. - -Eugene Debs - -To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels -that he can add nothing of value. - -RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are -uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who -utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. -Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth--a -ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone -centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. -What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine -of Infant Respectability? - -RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right -to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have -measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally -believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is -still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the -enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir -Abednego Bink, following: - - By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? - Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? - He surely were as stubborn as a mule - Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour - His uninvited session on the throne, or air - His pride securely in the Presidential chair. - - Whatever is is so by Right Divine; - Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! - It were a wondrous thing if His design - A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! - If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) - Is guilty of contributory negligence. - -RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the -Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some -feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it -into several European countries, but it appears to have been -imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found -in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic -passage from which is here given: - - "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of - mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to - the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and - just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; - and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my - injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be - wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty - to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be - righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, - in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better - disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." - -RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The -verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually -(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." - -RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. - - The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, - The sound surceases and the sense expires. - Then the domestic dog, to east and west, - Expounds the passions burning in his breast. - The rising moon o'er that enchanted land - Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. - -Mowbray Myles - - -RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent -bystanders. - -R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting an -indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, -however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in -pulvis_. - -RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept -or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out -of it. - -RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear -freedom, keeping off the grass. - -ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is -too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. - - All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, - Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. - -Borey the Bald - - -ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. - It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling -companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, -and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once -there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he -was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." - -ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as -They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to -probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance -it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination--free, -lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as -Carlyle might say--a mere reporter. He may invent his characters -and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not -occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes -this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a -lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick -volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black -profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, -for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it -remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we -have is "The Thousand and One Nights." - -ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they -too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's -whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex -electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is -rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. - -ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In -America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically -expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. - -ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English -civil war--so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, -whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other -points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the -fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because -the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair -grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly -barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal -neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. -Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the -fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this -day beneath the snows of British civility. - -RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, -literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions -lying due south from Boreaplas. - -RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the -virtue of maids. - -RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total -abstainers. - -RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. - - Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, - By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, - O serviceable Rumor, let me wield - Against my enemy no other blade. - His be the terror of a foe unseen, - His the inutile hand upon the hilt, - And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, - Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. - So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, - Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, - And nurse my valor for another foe. - -Joel Buxter - - -RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A -Tartar Emetic. - - - - -S - - - -SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God -made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the -Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this -is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy -neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient -that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early -Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of -the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious -jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is -reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water -version of the Fourth Commandment: - - Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, - And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. - -Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the -captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine -ordinance. - -SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a -priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge -that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the -Neo-Dictionarians. - -SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of -authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, -but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can -afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller -sects have no sacraments at all--for which mean economy they will -indubitable be damned. - -SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine -character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama -of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the -Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; -the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. - - All things are either sacred or profane. - The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; - The latter to the devil appertain. - -Dumbo Omohundro - - -SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of -Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences -gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the -traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally -bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent -and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon -California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of -solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and -"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably -suggestive. - -SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent -the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the -hoisting apparatus. - - Once I seen a human ruin - In an elevator-well, - And his members was bestrewin' - All the place where he had fell. - - And I says, apostrophisin' - That uncommon woful wreck: - "Your position's so surprisin' - That I tremble for your neck!" - - Then that ruin, smilin' sadly - And impressive, up and spoke: - "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, - For it's been a fortnight broke." - - Then, for further comprehension - Of his attitude, he begs - I will focus my attention - On his various arms and legs-- - - How they all are contumacious; - Where they each, respective, lie; - How one trotter proves ungracious, - T'other one an _alibi_. - - These particulars is mentioned - For to show his dismal state, - Which I wasn't first intentioned - To specifical relate. - - None is worser to be dreaded - That I ever have heard tell - Than the gent's who there was spreaded - In that elevator-well. - - Now this tale is allegoric-- - It is figurative all, - For the well is metaphoric - And the feller didn't fall. - - I opine it isn't moral - For a writer-man to cheat, - And despise to wear a laurel - As was gotten by deceit. - - For 'tis Politics intended - By the elevator, mind, - It will boost a person splendid - If his talent is the kind. - - Col. Bryan had the talent - (For the busted man is him) - And it shot him up right gallant - Till his head begun to swim. - - Then the rope it broke above him - And he painful come to earth - Where there's nobody to love him - For his detrimented worth. - - Though he's livin' none would know him, - Or at leastwise not as such. - Moral of this woful poem: - Frequent oil your safety-clutch. - -Porfer Poog - - -SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. - -The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old -calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis -de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear -that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate -things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a -perfect gentleman, though a fool." - -SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in -popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, -who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are -occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked -harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are -tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. - -SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an -anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now -believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account -having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it -with a bucket of holy water. - -SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a -certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of -devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern -obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. - -SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in -sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made -himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from -Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a -moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like -to ask," said he. - -"Name it." - -"Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." - -"What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn -of eternity with hatred of his soul--you ask for the right to make -his laws?" - -"Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them -himself." - -It was so ordered. - -SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten -its contents, madam. - -SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the -vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with -imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a -sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we -are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all -humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans -are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not -generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the -satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave, and his ever -victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. - - Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung - In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, - For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well-- - Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. - Had it been such as consecrates the Bible - Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. - -Barney Stims - - -SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded -recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at -first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose -allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and -improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a -later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and -more like a goat. - -SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. -A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one -sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented -and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. - -SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and -colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. -Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. - - A penny saved is a penny to squander. - - A man is known by the company that he organizes. - - A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. - - A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. - - Better late than before anybody has invited you. - - Example is better than following it. - - Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. - - Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. - - What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. - - Least said is soonest disavowed. - - He laughs best who laughs least. - - Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. - - Of two evils choose to be the least. - - Strike while your employer has a big contract. - - Where there's a will there's a won't. - -SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to -our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, -the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit -of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it -to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal -reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior -beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. - -SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. - - He fell by his own hand - Beneath the great oak tree. - He'd traveled in a foreign land. - He tried to make her understand - The dance that's called the Saraband, - But he called it Scarabee. - He had called it so through an afternoon, - And she, the light of his harem if so might be, - Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, - All frosted there in the shine o' the moon-- - Dead for a Scarabee - And a recollection that came too late. - O Fate! - They buried him where he lay, - He sleeps awaiting the Day, - In state, - And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, - Gloom over the grave and then move on. - Dead for a Scarabee! - Fernando Tapple - -SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. -The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot -iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent -spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, -with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. -The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to -yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is -conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of -grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a -penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. - -SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his -authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign -admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the -bones of their proponents. - -SCIMITAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of -which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the -incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated -from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth -century. - - When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to - decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after - the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his - Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man - who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! - "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged - monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and - have your head struck off by the public executioner at three - o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" - "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the - condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is - a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and - vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I - ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The - executioner appeared with his bare scimitar, ostentatiously - whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, - strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a - favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable - and treasonous head." - "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled - caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. - "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh--I - know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." - "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an - attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the - Presence. - "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" - roared the sovereign--"why didst thou but lightly tap the neck - that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" - "Lord of Cranes an Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, - unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." - Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted - like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung - violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered - peacefully to the close, without incident. - All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as - white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled - and his breath came in gasps of terror. - "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a - ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly - because in flourishing the scimitar I had accidentally passed it - through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." - So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and - advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. - -SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many -persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing -whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to -collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, -by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: - - Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast - You keep a record true - Of every kind of peppered roast - That's made of you; - - Wherein you paste the printed gibes - That revel round your name, - Thinking the laughter of the scribes - Attests your fame; - - Where all the pictures you arrange - That comic pencils trace-- - Your funny figure and your strange - Semitic face-- - - Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, - Nor art, but there I'll list - The daily drubbings you'd have got - Had God a fist. - -SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to -one's own. - -SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as -distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other -faiths are based. - -SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest -their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, -and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, -in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing -important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical -efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the -British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a -sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other -devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in -many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are -appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless -custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote -utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense -evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our -word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the -learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence -of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were -formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will -serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., -commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum -sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used ---an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the -beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested -as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take -their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. - -SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of -environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are -more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with -small, cut stones. - - The devil casting a seine of lace, - (With precious stones 'twas weighted) - Drew it into the landing place - And its contents calculated. - - All souls of women were in that sack-- - A draft miraculous, precious! - But ere he could throw it across his back - They'd all escaped through the meshes. - -Baruch de Loppis - - -SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. - -SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. - -SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. - -SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and -misdemeanors. - -SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, -creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. -Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding -chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a -synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read -_them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. - -The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly -paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to -us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the -installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world -without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday -morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he -found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His -collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship -and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. - -SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held -individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are -believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the -lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could -not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. - - Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind - Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; - Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay-- - His small belongings their appointed prey; - Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, - Persuaded elsewhere every little while! - His fire unquenched and his undying worm - By "land in severalty" (charming term!) - Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, - And he to his new holding anchored fast! - -SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose -most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern -States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. - - John Elmer Pettibone Cajee - (I write of him with little glee) - Was just as bad as he could be. - - 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! - The sun has never looked upon - So bad a man as Neighbor John." - - A sinner through and through, he had - This added fault: it made him mad - To know another man was bad. - - In such a case he thought it right - To rise at any hour of night - And quench that wicked person's light. - - Despite the town's entreaties, he - Would hale him to the nearest tree - And leave him swinging wide and free. - - Or sometimes, if the humor came, - A luckless wight's reluctant frame - Was given to the cheerful flame. - - While it was turning nice and brown, - All unconcerned John met the frown - Of that austere and righteous town. - - "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he - So scornful of the law should be-- - An anar c, h, i, s, t." - - (That is the way that they preferred - To utter the abhorrent word, - So strong the aversion that it stirred.) - - "Resolved," they said, continuing, - "That Badman John must cease this thing - Of having his unlawful fling. - - "Now, by these sacred relics"--here - Each man had out a souvenir - Got at a lynching yesteryear-- - - "By these we swear he shall forsake - His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache - By sins of rope and torch and stake. - - "We'll tie his red right hand until - He'll have small freedom to fulfil - The mandates of his lawless will." - - So, in convention then and there, - They named him Sheriff. The affair - Was opened, it is said, with prayer. - -J. Milton Sloluck - - -SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt -to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any -lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing -performance. - -SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) -with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue -what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in -accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of -setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. - -SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is -used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer -who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" -it is seen at its best: - - The wheels go round without a sound-- - The maidens hold high revel; - In sinful mood, insanely gay, - True spinsters spin adown the way - From duty to the devil! - They laugh, they sing, and--ting-a-ling! - Their bells go all the morning; - Their lanterns bright bestar the night - Pedestrians a-warning. - With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, - Good-Lording and O-mying, - Her rheumatism forgotten quite, - Her fat with anger frying. - She blocks the path that leads to wrath, - Jack Satan's power defying. - The wheels go round without a sound - The lights burn red and blue and green. - What's this that's found upon the ground? - Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! - -John William Yope - - -SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished -from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is -that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began -by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men -ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of -words. - - His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, - And drags his sophistry to light of day; - Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort - To falsehood of so desperate a sort. - Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, - He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. - -Polydore Smith - - -SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political -influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was -punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor -peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to -compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the -suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his -tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing -it. - -SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave -disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of -existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of -eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became -philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had -least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and -despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the -broad-browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, -was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be -quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. - -"Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of -_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than -that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath -her seat in the abdomen--in which faith we may discern and interpret -a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men -most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' ---why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him -to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and -majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach -are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who -nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that -its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of -the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. -This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek -of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according -to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse -clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the -public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which -firmly though civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, -anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles -shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, -and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and -richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, -though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His -Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly -revere) will assent to its dissemination." - -SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with -supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of -the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, -who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and -mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror -that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells -ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another -township. - -STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories -here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. - -One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated -at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. - -"Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, -is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its -authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the -Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" - -"I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did -not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who -wrote it." - -Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was -addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a -stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back -and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be -haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had -been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is -putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' -nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the -loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their -courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. - -"Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as -this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And -you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" - -"My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal -cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am -afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and -I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." - -Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were -standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the -question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the -middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that -band before. Santlemann's, I think." - -"I don't hear any band," said Schley. - -"Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General -Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in -the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions -pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." - -While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy -General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. -When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two -observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its -effulgence-- - -"He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. - -"There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys -one-half so well." - - -The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile -from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town -on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a -street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of -teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a -dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, -said: - -"Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. -He'll roast, sure!--he was smoking as I passed him." - -"O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate -smoker." - -The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that -it was not right. - -He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a -stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had -put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted -to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule -loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another -man entered the saloon. - -"For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that -mule, barkeeper: it smells." - -"Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in -Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." - -In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, -apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. -The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the -body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much -of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that -night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the -misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon -emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook -it, and passed the night in town. - -General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a -pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but -imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the -General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is -named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing -his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. - -"You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, -"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps?--and with my coat -on!" - -Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the -manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned -with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an -empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably -entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful -progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: - -"Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you -about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" - -General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. - -"Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking -of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room -fifteen minutes." - -SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In -literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are -exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines -by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious -reason, "John A. Joyce." - - The bard who would prosper must carry a book, - Do his thinking in prose and wear - A crimson cravat, a far-away look - And a head of hexameter hair. - Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; - If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. - -SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right -of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, -as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another -man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name -of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned -for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is -himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he -profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater -weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a -woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female -responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to -jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back -into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. - -SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he -may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an -editor. - - As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased - To fix itself upon a part diseased - Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, - It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, - So the base sycophant with joy descries - His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, - Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, - Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. - Gelasma, if it paid you to devote - Your talent to the service of a goat, - Showing by forceful logic that its beard - Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; - If to the task of honoring its smell - Profit had prompted you, and love as well, - The world would benefit at last by you - And wealthy malefactors weep anew-- - Your favor for a moment's space denied - And to the nobler object turned aside. - Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires - Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, - Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly - To safer villainies of darker dye, - Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, - To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread - May see you groveling their boots to lick - And begging for the favor of a kick? - Still must you follow to the bitter end - Your sycophantic disposition's trend, - And in your eagerness to please the rich - Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? - In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, - And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! - What's Satan done that him you should eschew? - He too is reeking rich--deducting _you_. - -SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor -assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) - -SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when -the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory -smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were -allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, -in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of -the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they -had progeny they must have nested in inaccessible places, none of the -chicks having ever been seen. - -SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for -something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals"--things which -having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have -inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on -memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the -dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that -conceals our helplessness. - -SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation -of symbols. - - They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; - I hold that that's the stomach's function, - For of the sinner I have noted - That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, - Or ill some other ghastly fashion - Within that bowel of compassion. - True, I believe the only sinner - Is he that eats a shabby dinner. - You know how Adam with good reason, - For eating apples out of season, - Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: - The truth is, Adam had the colic. - -G.J. - - - - - -T - - - -T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks -absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the -form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone -(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified -_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." - -TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal -passion for irresponsibility. - - Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, - Took Madam P. to table, - And there deliriously fed - As fast as he was able. - - "I dote upon good grub," he cried, - Intent upon its throatage. - "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, - "You're in your _table d'hotage_." - -Associated Poets - - -TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its -natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of -its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a -privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness -by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a -marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail -should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable -in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong -and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now -generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually -susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan -past. - -TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. - -TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an -impulse without purpose. - -TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the -domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - - The Enemy of Human Souls - Sat grieving at the cost of coals; - For Hell had been annexed of late, - And was a sovereign Southern State. - - "It were no more than right," said he, - "That I should get my fuel free. - The duty, neither just nor wise, - Compels me to economize-- - Whereby my broilers, every one, - Are execrably underdone. - What would they have?--although I yearn - To do them nicely to a turn, - I can't afford an honest heat. - This tariff makes even devils cheat! - I'm ruined, and my humble trade - All rascals may at will invade: - Beneath my nose the public press - Outdoes me in sulphureousness; - The bar ingeniously applies - To my undoing my own lies; - My medicines the doctors use - (Albeit vainly) to refuse - To me my fair and rightful prey - And keep their own in shape to pay; - The preachers by example teach - What, scorning to perform, I teach; - And statesmen, aping me, all make - More promises than they can break. - Against such competition I - Lift up a disregarded cry. - Since all ignore my just complaint, - By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" - Now, the Republicans, who all - Are saints, began at once to bawl - Against _his_ competition; so - There was a devil of a go! - They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete - In acrimonious debate, - Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, - Had hopes of coming by their own. - That evil to avert, in haste - The two belligerents embraced; - But since 'twere wicked to relax - A tittle of the Sacred Tax, - 'Twas finally agreed to grant - The bold Insurgent-protestant - A bounty on each soul that fell - Into his ineffectual Hell. - -Edam Smith - - -TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for -slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words -were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook -upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and -the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted -by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words -did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, -that being only an inference. - -TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many -fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an -authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious -source--the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum -Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something -that saddens. - -TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, -sometimes tolerably totally. - -TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the -advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that -of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us -with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a -bell summoning us to the sacrifice. - -TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to -the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand -of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in -politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a -Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to -his accounting: - - Of such tenacity his grip - That nothing from his hand can slip. - Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm - In tubs of liquid slippery-elm - In vain--from his detaining pinch - They cannot struggle half an inch! - 'Tis lucky that he so is planned - That breath he draws not with his hand, - For if he did, so great his greed - He'd draw his last with eager speed. - Nay, that were well, you say. Not so - He'd draw but never let it go! - -THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion -and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with -the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this -earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough -for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime -does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to -wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good--that is perfection; -and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that -everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. -Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem -neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and -fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had -no cat. - -TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the -general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. -Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss -Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as -to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of -ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that -nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory -was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the -conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as -to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! -It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's -aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what -was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that -sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of -exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost -arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts -themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there -is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its -hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the -stage. - -TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent -invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long -tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, -the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be -innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the -soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally -accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has -been greatly dignified. - -TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. -In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping -nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted -against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down -like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand -beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two -hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. -With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate -Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers -ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every -conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that -drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too -righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the -canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially -augmented the nation's military power. - -TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for -the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: - - -TO MY PET TORTOISE - - - My friend, you are not graceful--not at all; - Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. - - Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's - To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. - - As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. - 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. - - No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, - A certain firmness--mostly you're [sic] backbone. - - Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) - Are virtues that the great know how to use-- - - I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, - You lack--excuse my mentioning it--Soul. - - So, to be candid, unreserved and true, - I'd rather you were I than I were you. - - Perhaps, however, in a time to be, - When Man's extinct, a better world may see - - Your progeny in power and control, - Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. - - So I salute you as a reptile grand - Predestined to regenerate the land. - - Father of Possibilities, O deign - To accept the homage of a dying reign! - - In the far region of the unforeknown - I dream a tortoise upon every throne. - - I see an Emperor his head withdraw - Into his carapace for fear of Law; - - A King who carries something else than fat, - Howe'er acceptably he carries that; - - A President not strenuously bent - On punishment of audible dissent-- - - Who never shot (it were a vain attack) - An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; - - Subject and citizens that feel no need - To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; - - All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, - And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. - - O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, - My glorious testudinous regime! - - I wish in Eden you'd brought this about - By slouching in and chasing Adam out. - -TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal -apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear -only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the -tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor -in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit -(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the -public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general -welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no -discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the -lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following -passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: - - While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof - I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in - it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as - followeth: - "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall - see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye - King his Majesty." - And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr - tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. - -_Trauvells in ye Easte_ - - -TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the -blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to -effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person -of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If -the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo -such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable -sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the -accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval -times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A -beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly -arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public -executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards -were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after -testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in -contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, -where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a -street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the -viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and -punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, -but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates -from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, -dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their -conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches -infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, -instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some -of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This -was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to -leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of -incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this -_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved -the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable -jurisdiction. - -TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. - -Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian -physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as -trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an -immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork -every other day." - -"Pork?" shrieked the patient--"pork? Nothing shall induce me to -touch it!" - -"Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. - -"I swear it!" - -"Good!--then I will undertake to cure you." - -TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, -three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate -deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not -dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually -their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the -most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because -it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of -theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not -understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that -contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the -former as a part of the latter. - -TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic -period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of -troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony -consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was -in debt, and every one that was discontented"--in brief, all the -Socialists of Judah. - -TRUCE, n. Friendship. - -TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. -Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the -most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of -existing with increasing activity to the end of time. - -TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. - -TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in -greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in -the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors -and public enemies. - -TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious -anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and -gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. - -TWICE, adv. Once too often. - -TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying -civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this -incomparable dictionary. - -TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) -whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy -for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American -novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). - - - - -U - - - -UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, -but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an -attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important -distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the -mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain -Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were -known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, -for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that -sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In -recent times ubiquity has not always been understood--not even by -Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two -places at once unless he is a bird. - -UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue -without humility. - -ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to -concessions. - -Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry -met to consider it. - -"O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk -to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable -soldiers have we in arms?" - -"Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining -his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" - -"And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts -of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious -Navy. - -"Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they -are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars -of Heaven!" - -For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial -Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was -calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the -die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he -advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." - -UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. - -UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction -consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of -the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite -had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was -discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other -could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: -"Then I'll be damned if I die!" - -"My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." - -UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to -know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and -laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and -Kant, who lived in a horse. - - His understanding was so keen - That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, - He could interpret without fail - If he was in or out of jail. - He wrote at Inspiration's call - Deep disquisitions on them all, - Then, pent at last in an asylum, - Performed the service to compile 'em. - So great a writer, all men swore, - They never had not read before. - -Jorrock Wormley - - -UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. - -UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons -of another faith. - -URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to -dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is -heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with -disregard of the rights of others. - - The owner of a powder mill - Was musing on a distant hill-- - Something his mind foreboded-- - When from the cloudless sky there fell - A deviled human kidney! Well, - The man's mill had exploded. - His hat he lifted from his head; - "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; - "I didn't know 'twas loaded." - -Swatkin - - -USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and -Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent -reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to -produce books that will live as long as the fashion. - -UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own -wife. - - - - -V - - - -VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's -hope. - -"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and -Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." - -"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am -persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring -them into collision with the enemy." - -VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. - - They say that hens do cackle loudest when - There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; - And there are hens, professing to have made - A study of mankind, who say that men - Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen - Make the most clamorous fanfaronade - O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid - They're not entirely different from the hen. - Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, - His blazing breeches and high-towering cap-- - Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, - Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! - Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue - Is that in battle he will never hurt you? - -Hannibal Hunsiker - - -VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. - -VITUPERATION, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as -suffer from an impediment in their wit. - -VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a -fool of himself and a wreck of his country. - - - - -W - - - -W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only -cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This -advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued -after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like -_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other -agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been -concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise -of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that -by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our -civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. - -WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That -Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every -unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and -good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. - - Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call - To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" - Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; - Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, - Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, - Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: - Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray-- - Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! - While still you're possessed of a single baubee - (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) - 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance - Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. - For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, - Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! - -Anonymus Bink - - -WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing -political condition is a period of international amity. The student -of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly -boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare -for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, -not merely that all things earthly have an end--that change is the -one immutable and eternal law--but that the soil of peace is thickly -sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination -and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure -dome"--when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in -Xanadu--that he - - heard from afar - Ancestral voices prophesying war. - -One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of -men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us -have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of -that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to -come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide -the night. - -WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of -governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to -him it should be said that he did not want to. - - They took away his vote and gave instead - The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. - In vain--he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, - To come again and part him from his roll. - -Offenbach Stutz - - -WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she -holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the -service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. - -WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of -conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have -inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal -ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather -bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments -are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. - - Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, - And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be-- - Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, - With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. - While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, - From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. - He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote - On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote-- - For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: - "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." - -Halcyon Jones - - -WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, -one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become -supportable. - -WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All -werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to -gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as -humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. - -Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it -to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was -there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told -them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its -human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the -good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning -you will find a Lutheran." - -WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected -affliction that strikes hard. - - Should you ask me whence this laughter, - Whence this audible big-smiling, - With its labial extension, - With its maxillar distortion - And its diaphragmic rhythmus - Like the billowing of an ocean, - Like the shaking of a carpet, - I should answer, I should tell you: - From the great deeps of the spirit, - From the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soul this laughter welleth - As the fountain, the gug-guggle, - Like the river from the canon [sic], - To entoken and give warning - That my present mood is sunny. - Should you ask me further question-- - Why the great deeps of the spirit, - Why the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soule extrudes this laughter, - This all audible big-smiling, - I should answer, I should tell you - With a white heart, tumpitumpy, - With a true tongue, honest Injun: - William Bryan, he has Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - - Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, - Standing silent in the kneedeep - With his wing-tips crossed behind him - And his neck close-reefed before him, - With his bill, his william, buried - In the down upon his bosom, - With his head retracted inly, - While his shoulders overlook it? - Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Shiver grayly in the north wind, - Wishing he had died when little, - As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? - No 'tis not the Shankank standing, - Standing in the gray and dismal - Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. - No, 'tis peerless William Bryan - Realizing that he's Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - -WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some -difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are -said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other -people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff -palatable. - -WHITE, adj. and n. Black. - -WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to -take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one -of the most marked features of his character. - -WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union -as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift -to man. - -WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his -intellectual cookery by leaving it out. - -WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league -with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in -wickedness a league beyond the devil. - -WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom -noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." - -WOMAN, n. - - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a - rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by - many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility - acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the - postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, - deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, - it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all - beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from - Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular - name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. - The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the - American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be - taught not to talk. - -Balthasar Pober - - -WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw -material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the -Grantarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that -houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work -in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for -himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by -contrast the foreknown futility. - - Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! - How profitless the labor you bestow - Upon a dwelling whose magnificence - The tenant neither can admire nor know. - - Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, - The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan - By shouldering asunder all the stones - In what to you would be a moment's span. - - Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies - That when your marble is all dust, arise, - If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn-- - You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. - - What though of all man's works your tomb alone - Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? - Would it advantage you to dwell therein - Forever as a stain upon a stone? - -Joel Huck - - -WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and -fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an -element of pride. - -WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to -exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," -"the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was -deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for -its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks -before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the -frying-pan of the wrath of Chryses into the fire of the wrath of -Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor -roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred -the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom -paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of -the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. - - - - -X - - - -X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility -to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will -doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten -dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, -as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the -corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name ---_Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. -Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of -psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are -Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. - - - - -Y - - - -YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our -Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. -(See DAMNYANK.) - -YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - -YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire -past of age. - - But yesterday I should have thought me blest - To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak - Of middle life and look adown the bleak - And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, - Where solemn shadows all the land invest - And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak - Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak - The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. - Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame - To stay the shadow on the dial's face - At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name - I chide aloud the little interspace - Disparting me from Certitude, and fain - Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. - -Baruch Arnegriff - - -It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was -attended at different times by seven doctors. - -YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe -one of the most illuminating words in our language--a word that -defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. -A thousand apologies for withholding it. - -YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, -Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of -endowing a living Homer. - - Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth - again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with - whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and - cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never - is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, - howling, is cast into Baltimost! - -Polydore Smith - - - - -Z - - - -ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with -ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the -ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters -of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as -we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an -example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another -excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the -rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the -devil. - -ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the -eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best -known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that -occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied -a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to -the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated -remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city -persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down -to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair -of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge -of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. -Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great -nations, she was the Sultana. - -ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and -inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. - - When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward - He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" - "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. - "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." - -Jum Coople - - -ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man -standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot -is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the -matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some -holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were -called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The -Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the -philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an -assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a -severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to -determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the -heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the -Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever -opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its -place among _fides defuncti_. - -ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter -and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers -who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to -have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought -that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his -monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives -are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he -worships under many sacred names. - -ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one -carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an -Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) - - He zedjagged so uncomen wyde - Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; - So, to com saufly thruh, I been - Constreynet for to doodge betwene. - -Munwele - - -ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including -its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology -was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother -has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious -expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we -learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated -Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY *** - -***** This file should be named 972.txt or 972.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/9/7/972/ - -Produced by Aloysius - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* - - - - - -The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of - - - - -THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY -by -AMBROSE BIERCE - - - -Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE -aloysius@west.darkside.com - - - -AUTHOR'S PREFACE - -_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was -continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that -year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The -Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to -reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the -present work: - -"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by -the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the -work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out -in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a -score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and -_The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though -some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they -brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing -it was discredited in advance of publication." - -Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country -had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, -and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had -become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is -made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial -of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely -resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to -whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines -to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. - -A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book -is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of -whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, -S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly -encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly -indebted. - -A.B. - - - - -A - - - -ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence -of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when -addressing an employer. - -ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside -from molesting the rubbish inside. - -ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the -high temperature of the throne. - - Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication - Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. - For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: - She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. - To History she'll be no royal riddle -- - Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. - -G.J. - - -ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with -sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient -faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at -the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence -for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a -free hand in the world's marketing the race would become -graminivorous. - -ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of -the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the -last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high -degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is -rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. - -ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and -conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be -detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the -straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. -Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and -the hope of Hell. - -ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a -newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. - -ABRACADABRA. - - By _Abracadabra_ we signify - An infinite number of things. - 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? - And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby - The Truth (with the comfort it brings) - Is open to all who grope in night, - Crying for Wisdom's holy light. - - Whether the word is a verb or a noun - Is knowledge beyond my reach. - I only know that 'tis handed down. - From sage to sage, - From age to age -- - An immortal part of speech! - - Of an ancient man the tale is told - That he lived to be ten centuries old, - In a cave on a mountain side. - (True, he finally died.) - The fame of his wisdom filled the land, - For his head was bald, and you'll understand - His beard was long and white - And his eyes uncommonly bright. - - Philosophers gathered from far and near - To sit at his feet and hear and hear, - Though he never was heard - To utter a word - But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, - _Abracada, abracad_, - _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" - 'Twas all he had, - 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each - Made copious notes of the mystical speech, - Which they published next -- - A trickle of text - In the meadow of commentary. - Mighty big books were these, - In a number, as leaves of trees; - In learning, remarkably -- very! - - He's dead, - As I said, - And the books of the sages have perished, - But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. - In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, - Like an ancient bell that forever swings. - O, I love to hear - That word make clear - Humanity's General Sense of Things. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. - - When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for - people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of - mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel - them to the separation. - -Oliver Cromwell - - -ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- -shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most -affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another -author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." - -ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the -property of another. - - Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; - The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - -Phela Orm - - -ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; -hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection -of another. - - To men a man is but a mind. Who cares - What face he carries or what form he wears? - But woman's body is the woman. O, - Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, - But heed the warning words the sage hath said: - A woman absent is a woman dead. - -Jogo Tyree - - -ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to -remove himself from the sphere of exaction. - -ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is -one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases -the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them -having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's -power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, -which are governed by chance. - -ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying -himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from -everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the -affairs of others. - - Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought - You a total abstainer, my son." - "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught -- - "But not, sir, a bigoted one." - -G.J. - - -ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with -one's own opinion. - -ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were -taught. - -ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is -taught. - -ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable -natural laws. - -ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty -knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, -knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the -matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one -having offered them a fee for assenting. - -ACCORD, n. Harmony. - -ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an -assassin. - -ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. - - "My accountability, bear in mind," - Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," - Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind - Of ability you possess." - -Joram Tate - - -ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a -justification of ourselves for having wronged him. - -ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who -absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar -had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de -Joinville. - -ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. - -ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's -faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. - -ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, -but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight -when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or -famous. - -ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. - -ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. - -ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in -solicitate of gold. - -ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding -funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. - -ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects -to get. - -ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to -receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of -straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. - -ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the -figure-head does the thinking. - -ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to -ourselves. - -ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. - - Consigned by way of admonition, - His soul forever to perdition. - -Judibras - - -ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. - -ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. - - "The man was in such deep distress," - Said Tom, "that I could do no less - Than give him good advice." Said Jim: - "If less could have been done for him - I know you well enough, my son, - To know that's what you would have done." - -Jebel Jocordy - - -AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. - -AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for -another and bitter world. - -AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. - -AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that -we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the -enterprise to commit. - -AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors --- to dislodge the worms. - -AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. - "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" - She tenderly inquired. - "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; - The fact is -- I have fired." - -G.J. - - -AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for -the fattening of the poor. - -ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving -with a pretence of open marauding. - -ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. - -ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the -Christian, Jewish, and so forth. - - Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, - And ever for the sins of man have wept; - And sometimes kneeling in the temple I - Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. - -Junker Barlow - - -ALLEGIANCE, n. - - This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, - Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, - Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed - To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. - -G.J. - - -ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who -have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they -cannot separately plunder a third. - -ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to -the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus -says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces -crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the -other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a -sawrian. - -ALONE, adj. In bad company. - - In contact, lo! the flint and steel, - By spark and flame, the thought reveal - That he the metal, she the stone, - Had cherished secretly alone. - -Booley Fito - - -ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the -small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination -and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, -except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a -male and a female tool. - - They stood before the altar and supplied - The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. - In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim - An offering burnt with an unholy flame. - -M.P. Nopput - - -AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket -or a left. - -AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while -living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would -be too expensive to punish. - -ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already -sufficiently slippery. - - As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, - So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. - -Judibras - - -ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. - -APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. - - The flabby wine-skin of his brain - Yields to some pathologic strain, - And voids from its unstored abysm - The driblet of an aphorism. - -"The Mad Philosopher," 1697 - - -APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. - -APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle -only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient -to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. - -APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor -and grave worm's provider. - - When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, - And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, - That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth - Disease for the apothecary's health, - Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: - "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" - -G.J. - - -APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. - -APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a -solution to the labor question. - -APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. - -APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. - -ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a -bishop. - - If I were a jolly archbishop, - On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- - Salmon and flounders and smelts; - On other days everything else. - -Jodo Rem - - -ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft -of your money. - -ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. - -ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman -wrestles with his record. - -ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word -is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy -hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank -accounts. - -ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a -blacksmith. - -ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter -hanged to a lamppost. - -ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. - - God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. - -_The Unauthorized Version_ - - -ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom -it greatly affects in turn. - - "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," - Consenting, he did speak up; - "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, - Than put it in my teacup." - -Joel Huck - - -ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as -follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. - - One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- - Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, - And said it was a god's name! Straight arose - Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, - And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, - And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) - To serve his temple and maintain the fires, - Expound the law, manipulate the wires. - Amazed, the populace that rites attend, - Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, - And, inly edified to learn that two - Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) - Have sweeter values and a grace more fit - Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, - Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, - And sell their garments to support the priests. - -ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by -long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased -to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. - -ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which -one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. - -ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia -City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, -and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously -celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and -country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this -noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. -II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a -god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we -may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two -animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of -men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers -the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written -about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and -magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which -clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all -literature is more or less Asinine. - - "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; - "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" - Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: - God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" - -G.J. - - -AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked -a pocket with his tongue. - -AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and -commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate -dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an -island. - -AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal -regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by -a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have -suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, -has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. - - _Facilis descensus Averni,_ - The poet remarks; and the sense - Of it is that when down-hill I turn I - Will get more of punches than pence. - -Jehal Dai Lupe - - - - -B - - - -BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. -As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had -the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous -account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his -glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word -"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As -Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays -on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, -and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the -priests of Guttledom. - -BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or -condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and -antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. -There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose -adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries -before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being -preserved on a floating lotus leaf. - - Ere babes were invented - The girls were contended. - Now man is tormented - Until to buy babes he has squandered - His money. And so I have pondered - This thing, and thought may be - 'T were better that Baby - The First had been eagled or condored. - -Ro Amil - - -BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse -for getting drunk. - - Is public worship, then, a sin, - That for devotions paid to Bacchus - The lictors dare to run us in, - And resolutely thump and whack us? - -Jorace - - -BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to -contemplate in your adversity. - -BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find -you. - -BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The -best kind is beauty. - -BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself -in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is -performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by -aspersion, or sprinkling. - - But whether the plan of immersion - Is better than simple aspersion - Let those immersed - And those aspersed - Decide by the Authorized Version, - And by matching their agues tertian. - -G.J. - - -BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of -weather we are having. - -BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of -which it is their business to deprive others. - -BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg -of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. -Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator -saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment -for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno -afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing -is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, -but the cocks have stopped laying. - -BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. - -BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, -with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. - - The man who taketh a steam bath - He loseth all the skin he hath, - And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, - Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, - Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling - With dirty vapors of the boiling. - -Richard Gwow - - -BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot -that would not yield to the tongue. - -BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly -execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. - -BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a -husband. - -BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. - -BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the -belief that it will not be given. - - Who is that, father? - A mendicant, child, - Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! - See how he glares through the bars of his cell! - With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. - - Why did they put him there, father? - - Because - Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. - - His belly? - - Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- - A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. - No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry - Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" - - What's the matter with pie? - - With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; - To beg was unlawful -- improper as well. - - Why didn't he work? - - He would even have done that, - But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" - I mention these incidents merely to show - That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. - Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, - But for trifles -- - - Pray what did bad Mendicant do? - - Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack - And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. - - Is that _all_ father dear? - - There's little to tell: - They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well, - The company's better than here we can boast, - And there's -- - - Bread for the needy, dear father? - - Um -- toast. - -Atka Mip - - -BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. - -BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by -breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach -Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: - - Recordare, Jesu pie, - Quod sum causa tuae viae. - Ne me perdas illa die. - - Pray remember, sacred Savior, - Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your - Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. - -BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly -poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two -tongues. - -BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. - - She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be - A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. - "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- - "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." - -"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) - - -BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, -however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the -means of all. - -BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor -of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. - - Her locks an ancient lady gave - Her loving husband's life to save; - And men -- they honored so the dame -- - Upon some stars bestowed her name. - - But to our modern married fair, - Who'd give their lords to save their hair, - No stellar recognition's given. - There are not stars enough in heaven. - -G.J. - - -BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will -adjudge a punishment called trigamy. - -BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion -that you do not entertain. - -BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. - -BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of -it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born -from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block -of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he -grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It -is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a -stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount -Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. - -BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box -of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on -the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. - -BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult -kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much -affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. - -BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the -young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied -the undertaker. The hyena. - - "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, - I and my comrades, four in all, - When visiting a graveyard stood - Within the shadow of a wall. - - "While waiting for the moon to sink - We saw a wild hyena slink - About a new-made grave, and then - Begin to excavate its brink! - - "Shocked by the horrid act, we made - A sally from our ambuscade, - And, falling on the unholy beast, - Dispatched him with a pick and spade." - -Bettel K. Jhones - - -BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to -become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. - -Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a -dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would -be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give -you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" -inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." - -BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to -eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, -which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- -smelling. - -BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. - -BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two -nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary -rights of the other. - -BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who -has nothing to get all that he can. - - A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects - every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal - instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His - creatures. - -Henry Ward Beecher - - -BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu -and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is -found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, -for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by -Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy -and learned men who are never naughty. - - O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, - First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, - You sit there so calm and securely, - With feet folded up so demurely -- - You're the First Person Singular, surely. - -Polydore Smith - - -BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which -distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man -who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has -been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of -brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our -civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so -highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of -office. - -BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one -part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- -grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. -Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero -will venture to drink it. - -BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - -BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. - - - -C - - - -CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the -patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps -asked the archangel for bread. - -CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and -wise as a man's head. - The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending -the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire -consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the -cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of -state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that -several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his -murmuring subjects were appeased. - -CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder -that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities -are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to -others. - -CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils -afflicting another. - When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was -observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you -weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great -Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." - -CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. - -CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to -the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper -and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. - -CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple -tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. - -CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national -boundaries. - -CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. - -CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, -the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the -anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the -disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the -justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all -the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings. - -CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. - - As Death was a-rising out one day, - Across Mount Camel he took his way, - Where he met a mendicant monk, - Some three or four quarters drunk, - With a holy leer and a pious grin, - Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, - Who held out his hands and cried: - "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. - Give in the name of the Church. O give, - Give that her holy sons may live!" - And Death replied, - Smiling long and wide: - "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride." - - With a rattle and bang - Of his bones, he sprang - From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; - By the neck and the foot - Seized the fellow, and put - Him astride with his face to the rear. - - The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell - Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: - "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, - Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ - Fell the flat of his dart on the rump - Of the charger, which galloped away. - - Faster and faster and faster it flew, - Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew - By the road were dim and blended and blue - To the wild, wild eyes - Of the rider -- in size - Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. - Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh - At a burial service spoiled, - And the mourners' intentions foiled - By the body erecting - Its head and objecting - To further proceedings in its behalf. - - Many a year and many a day - Have passed since these events away. - The monk has long been a dusty corse, - And Death has never recovered his horse. - For the friar got hold of its tail, - And steered it within the pale - Of the monastery gray, - Where the beast was stabled and fed - With barley and oil and bread - Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, - And so in due course was appointed Prior. - -G.J. - - -CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous -vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. - -CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author -of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased -to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum -might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- -"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an -approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. - -CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be -kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - - This is a dog, - This is a cat. - This is a frog, - This is a rat. - Run, dog, mew, cat. - Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. - -Elevenson - - -CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. - -CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, -poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The -inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained -in these Olympian games: - - His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to - overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives - they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here - commemorated by his family, who shared them. - In the earth we here prepare a - Place to lay our little Clara. - -Thomas M. and Mary Frazer - - P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. - -CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of -labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who -followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The -best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse -added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John -the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat -sophisticated sacred history. - -CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the -entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, -sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the -entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the -poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor -Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give -his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes -the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely -conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, -and (b) something about arithmetic. - -CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the -idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin -of manhood and three from the remorse of age. - -CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely -inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. -One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not -inconsistent with a life of sin. - - I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! - The godly multitudes walked to and fro - Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, - With pious mien, appropriately sad, - While all the church bells made a solemn din -- - A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. - Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, - With tranquil face, upon that holy show - A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, - Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. - "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are - No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; - And yet I entertain the hope that you, - Like these good people, are a Christian too." - He raised his eyes and with a look so stern - It made me with a thousand blushes burn - Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: - "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." - -G.J. - - -CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted -to see men, women and children acting the fool. - -CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of -seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a -blockhead. - -CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with -cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a -clarionet -- two clarionets. - -CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual -affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. - -CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over -history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent -citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being -addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. - -CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern -for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. - - A busy man complained one day: - "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" - Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; - "You have, sir, all the time there is. - There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- - We're never for an hour without it." - -Purzil Crofe - - -CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many -meritorious persons wish to obtain. - - "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried - To thrifty J. Macpherson; - "See me -- I'm ready to divide - With any worthy person." - Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- - The boast requires no backing; - And all are worthy, sir, to you, - Who have what you are lacking." - -Anita M. Bobe - - -COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the -sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a -brotherhood of awful examples. - - O Coenobite, O coenobite, - Monastical gregarian, - You differ from the anchorite, - That solitudinarian: - With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; - With dropping shots he makes him sick. - -Quincy Giles - - -COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's -uneasiness. - -COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that -resembles, but do not equal, our own. - -COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the -goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money -belonging to E. - -COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable -multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously -efficient. - - This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, - So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew - Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches - Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays - That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins - Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. - On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, - Misfortune attend and disaster befall! - May life be to them a succession of hurts; - May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; - May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, - Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; - May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, - And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; - May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, - And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. - Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse - Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, - By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- - The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! - Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! - Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, - Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. - -K.Q. - - -COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives -each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought -not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his -due. - -COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. - -CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than -sympathy. - -CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, -confided by _him_ to C. - -CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. - -CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. - -CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and -nothing about anything else. - An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, -some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he -murmured and died. - -CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as -distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with -others. - -CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate -than yourself. - -CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure -an office from the people is given one by the Administration on -condition that he leave the country. - -CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already -decided on. - -CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too -formidable safely to be opposed. - -CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the -injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. - - In controversy with the facile tongue -- - That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- - So seek your adversary to engage - That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, - And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, - With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. - You ask me how this miracle is done? - Adopt his own opinions, one by one, - And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath - He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. - Advance then gently all you wish to prove, - Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've - So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, - And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, - This view of it which, better far expressed, - Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest - To him, secure that he'll perform his trust - And prove your views intelligent and just. - -Conmore Apel Brune - - -CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to -meditate upon the vice of idleness. - -CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental -commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of -his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. - -CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward -and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a -dynamite bomb. - -CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military -ladder. - - Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, - Our corporal heroically fell! - Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl - And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." - -Giacomo Smith - - -CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit -without individual responsibility. - -CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. - -COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. - -COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - -CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but -less indigestible. - - In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably - figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only - backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the - perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to - avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend - their nature afterward. - -Sir James Merivale - - -CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial -Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. - -CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. - -CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody -tries to please him. - - There is a land of pure delight, - Beyond the Jordan's flood, - Where saints, apparelled all in white, - Fling back the critic's mud. - - And as he legs it through the skies, - His pelt a sable hue, - He sorrows sore to recognize - The missiles that he threw. - -Orrin Goof - - -CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its -significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, -but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been -believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic -worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, -to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as -a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent -neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father -Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: - - "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood - Cry out in holy chorus, - And, to dissuade from sin, parade - Their various charms before us. - - But why, O why, has ne'er an eye - Seen her of winsome manner - And youthful grace and pretty face - Flaunting the White Cross banner? - - Now where's the need of speech and screed - To better our behaving? - A simpler plan for saving man - (But, first, is he worth saving?) - - Is, dears, when he declines to flee - From bad thoughts that beset him, - Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, - And wants to sin -- don't let him. - -CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? - -CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person -from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction -and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier -gets the skins of more foxes than asses." - -CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a -barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of -its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is -the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual -love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the -wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art -grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- -this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on -the doorstep of prosperity. - -CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The -desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one -of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. - -CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This -is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is -commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a -cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of -life insurance. - -CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, -not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of -plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - - - -D - - - -DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning -of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to -have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree -of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it -expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently -occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It -would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion -conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. - -DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably -with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many -kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two -sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously -innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. - -DANGER, n. - - A savage beast which, when it sleeps, - Man girds at and despises, - But takes himself away by leaps - And bounds when it arises. - -Ambat Delaso - - -DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in -security. - -DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, -whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words -_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of -God. - -DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men -prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk -with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then -point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period -is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day -improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter -consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity -overlap. - -DEAD, adj. - - Done with the work of breathing; done - With all the world; the mad race run - Though to the end; the golden goal - Attained and found to be a hole! - -Squatol Johnes - - -DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has -had the misfortune to overtake it. - -DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- -driver. - - As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet - Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, - Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, - Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; - So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, - Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, - Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, - And finds at last he might as well have paid it. - -Barlow S. Vode - - -DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough -to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to -embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the -Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. - - Thou shalt no God but me adore: - 'Twere too expensive to have more. - - No images nor idols make - For Robert Ingersoll to break. - - Take not God's name in vain; select - A time when it will have effect. - - Work not on Sabbath days at all, - But go to see the teams play ball. - - Honor thy parents. That creates - For life insurance lower rates. - - Kill not, abet not those who kill; - Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. - - Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless - Thine own thy neighbor doth caress - - Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete - Successfully in business. Cheat. - - Bear not false witness -- that is low -- - But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." - - Cover thou naught that thou hast not - By hook or crook, or somehow, got. - -G.J. - - -DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences -over another set. - - A leaf was riven from a tree, - "I mean to fall to earth," said he. - - The west wind, rising, made him veer. - "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." - - The east wind rose with greater force. - Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." - - With equal power they contend. - He said: "My judgment I suspend." - - Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, - Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." - - "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; - Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. - - Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, - You'll have no hand in it at all. - -G.J. - - -DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. - -DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. - -DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. -The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it -required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes -of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of -sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps -why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of -returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he -would certainly have starved. - -DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from -private station to political preferment. - -DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the -Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its -name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man -pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. - -DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. -Variously pronounced. - -DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that -comes in sets. - -DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which -side it is buttered on. - -DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away -the sins (and sinners) of the world. - -DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising -Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many -other goodly sons and daughters. - - All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee - The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; - For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, - Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. - -Mumfrey Mappel - - -DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, -pulls coins out of your pocket. - -DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support -which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. - -DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. -The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and -an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. -When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud -of dust. - - "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, - "To-day the books are to be tried - By experts and accountants who - Have been commissioned to go through - Our office here, to see if we - Have stolen injudiciously. - Please have the proper entries made, - The proper balances displayed, - Conforming to the whole amount - Of cash on hand -- which they will count. - I've long admired your punctual way -- - Here at the break and close of day, - Confronting in your chair the crowd - Of business men, whose voices loud - And gestures violent you quell - By some mysterious, calm spell -- - Some magic lurking in your look - That brings the noisiest to book - And spreads a holy and profound - Tranquillity o'er all around. - So orderly all's done that they - Who came to draw remain to pay. - But now the time demands, at last, - That you employ your genius vast - In energies more active. Rise - And shake the lightnings from your eyes; - Inspire your underlings, and fling - Your spirit into everything!" - The Master's hand here dealt a whack - Upon the Deputy's bent back, - When straightway to the floor there fell - A shrunken globe, a rattling shell - A blackened, withered, eyeless head! - The man had been a twelvemonth dead. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for -failure. - -DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's -pulse and purse. - -DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest -from disorders of the bowels. - -DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can -relate to himself without blushing. - - Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ - All that he had of wisdom and of wit. - So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, - Erased all entries of his own and cried: - "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: - "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- - Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, - That record from a pocket in his shroud. - The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, - Each stupid line of which he knew before, - Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit - On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; - Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. - "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: - You'd never be content this side the tomb -- - For big ideas Heaven has little room, - And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," - He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. - -"The Mad Philosopher" - - -DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of -despotism to the plague of anarchy. - -DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth -of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, -however, is a most useful work. - -DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because -there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, -however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it -is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet -and domestic economist, Senator Depew: - - A cube of cheese no larger than a die - May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. - -DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the -process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from -which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies -are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. - -DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. - -DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better -error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. - -DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or -thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. - -DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - -DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. - -DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity -of a command. - - His right to govern me is clear as day, - My duty manifest to disobey; - And if that fit observance e'er I shut - May I and duty be alike undone. - -Israfel Brown - - -DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. - Let us dissemble. - -Adam - - -DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to -call theirs, and keep. - -DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a -friend. - -DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as -many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce -and the early fool. - -DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch -the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in -some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection -of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog -is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, -yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, -sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means -wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned -with a look of tolerant recognition. - -DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal -measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on -horseback. - -DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. - -DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which -did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. -Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says -their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as -Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to -Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have -obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his -talent for human sacrifice was considerable. - Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing -of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They -were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently -catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- -Dissenters. - -DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back -season. - -DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two -enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if -awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences -sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. - - That dueling's a gentlemanly vice - I hold; and wish that it had been my lot - To live my life out in some favored spot -- - Some country where it is considered nice - To split a rival like a fish, or slice - A husband like a spud, or with a shot - Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot - And ready to be put upon the ice. - Some miscreants there are, whom I do long - To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim - The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, - I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. - It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, - Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! - -Xamba Q. Dar - - -DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. -The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy -have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their -insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh -with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence -they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having -blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and -many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent -times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread -all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, -literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came -over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report -of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion -has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy -statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but -little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The -intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, -but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. - -DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, -along the line of desire. - - Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, - Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. - His anger provoked him to take the king's head, - But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, - Instead. - -G.J. - - - - -E - - - -EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of -mastication, humectation, and deglutition. - "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- -Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; -"eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, -monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was -eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." - -EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and -vices of another or yourself. - - A lady with one of her ears applied - To an open keyhole heard, inside, - Two female gossips in converse free -- - The subject engaging them was she. - "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks - That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" - As soon as no more of it she could hear - The lady, indignant, removed her ear. - "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, - "To hear my character lied about!" - -Gopete Sherany - - -ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ -it to accentuate their incapacity. - -ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for -the price of the cow that you cannot afford. - -EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a -toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man -to a worm. - -EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, -Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely -virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the -virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the -splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he -resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the -tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as -the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. -Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of -thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the -Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the -editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to -suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard -the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines -of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack -up some pathos. - - O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, - A gilded impostor is he. - Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, - His crown is brass, - Himself an ass, - And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. - Prankily, crankily prating of naught, - Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. - Public opinion's camp-follower he, - Thundering, blundering, plundering free. - Affected, - Ungracious, - Suspected, - Mendacious, - Respected contemporaree! - J.H. Bumbleshook - -EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the -foolish their lack of understanding. - -EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in -the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the -other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has -never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the -rabbit the cause of a dog. - -EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. - - Megaceph, chosen to serve the State - In the halls of legislative debate, - One day with all his credentials came - To the capitol's door and announced his name. - The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist - Of the face, at the eminent egotist, - And said: "Go away, for we settle here - All manner of questions, knotty and queer, - And we cannot have, when the speaker demands - To be told how every member stands, - A man who to all things under the sky - Assents by eternally voting 'I'." - -EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is -also much used in cases of extreme poverty. - -ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man -of another man's choice. - -ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known -to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, -and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most -picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory -of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in -France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, -bearing the following touching account of his life and services to -science: - - "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This - illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the - world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, - of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." - - Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the -arts and industries. The question of its economical application to -some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved -that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more -light than a horse. - -ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of -the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind -the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins -somewhat like this: - - The cur foretells the knell of parting day; - The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; - The wise man homeward plods; I only stay - To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. - -ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the -color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color -appear white. - -ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients -foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This -ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth -by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! - -EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to -the despotism of himself. - - He was a slave: at word he went and came; - His iron collar cut him to the bone. - Then Liberty erased his owner's name, - Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. - -G.J. - - -EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which -it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural -balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their -once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting -more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step -in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be -ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a -bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him -after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose -are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. - -EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the -heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge -of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. - -ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. - -END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the -Interlocutor. - - The man was perishing apace - Who played the tambourine; - The seal of death was on his face -- - 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. - - "This is the end," the sick man said - In faint and failing tones. - A moment later he was dead, - And Tambourine was Bones. - -Tinley Roquot - - -ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. - - Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter - Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. - -Arbely C. Strunk - - -ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of -death by injection. - -ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of -repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. -Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a -relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. - -ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the -husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. - -ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. - -EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military -officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower -rank to whom his death would give promotion. - -EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, -holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time -in gratification from the senses. - -EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently -characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. -Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and -ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: - - We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To - serve oneself is economy of administration. - - In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a - nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal - activity. - - There are three sexes; males, females and girls. - - Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: - they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility. - Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be - ashamed of. - - While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands - you are safe, for you can watch both his. - -EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired -by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: - - Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, - Wise, pious, humble and all that, - Who showed us life as all should live it; - Let that be said -- and God forgive it! - -ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. - - So wide his erudition's mighty span, - He knew Creation's origin and plan - And only came by accident to grief -- - He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. - -Romach Pute - - -ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. -The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that -the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, -those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most -profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in -our time. - -ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, -as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and -ethnologists. - -EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. - A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as -to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred -thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. - -EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth -and power, or the consideration to be dead. - -EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious -sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of -our neighbors. - -EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence -that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am -not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of -Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," -as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book -was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is -still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of -the soul. - -EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other -things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The -exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips -of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought -of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means -that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not -_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this -excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an -evil power which appears to be immortal. - -EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate -penalties the law of moderation. - - Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, - To thee in worship do I bend the knee - Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- - My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. - Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, - Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree - With reason as thy touch, exact and free, - Upon my forehead and along my spine. - At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, - With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; - When on thy stool of penitence I sit - I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. - Ungrateful he who afterward would falter - To make new sacrifices at thine altar! - -EXCOMMUNICATION, n. - - This "excommunication" is a word - In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, - And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, - Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- - A rite permitting Satan to enslave him - Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. - -Gat Huckle - - -EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to -enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the -judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of -no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The -Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: - - LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes - directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be - known whether it is constitutional? - TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the - Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many - years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I - mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to - execute it at once. - LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. - Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances - that they enforce? - TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of - constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the - approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. - LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by - the murderer. - TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so - consistent. - LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial - machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they - have long been executed, and then only when brought before the - court by some private person -- does it not cause great - confusion? - TERRESTRIAN: It does. - LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being - executed, be validated, not by the signature of your - President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme - Court? - TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. - LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? - TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three - volumes each. So how can any one know? - -EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another -upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. - -EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not -an ambassador. - An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of -Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years -afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of -unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the -ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: - - Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly - received. War with the whole world! - -EXISTENCE, n. - - A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, - Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: - From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge - Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" - -EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an -undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - - To one who, journeying through night and fog, - Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, - Experience, like the rising of the dawn, - Reveals the path that he should not have gone. - -Joel Frad Bink - - -EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to -lose their friends. - -EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the -future state. - - - -F - - - -FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly -inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, -and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The -fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a -clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately -as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of -the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected -that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of -fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a -peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The -son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but -afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the -fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers -that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one -change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great -slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original -shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain -which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the -wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was -made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or -mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. - -FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks -without knowledge, of things without parallel. - -FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. - - Done to a turn on the iron, behold - Him who to be famous aspired. - Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, - And his twistings are greatly admired. - -Hassan Brubuddy - - -FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. - - A king there was who lost an eye - In some excess of passion; - And straight his courtiers all did try - To follow the new fashion. - - Each dropped one eyelid when before - The throne he ventured, thinking - 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore - He'd slay them all for winking. - - What should they do? They were not hot - To hazard such disaster; - They dared not close an eye -- dared not - See better than their master. - - Seeing them lacrymose and glum, - A leech consoled the weepers: - He spread small rags with liquid gum - And covered half their peepers. - - The court all wore the stuff, the flame - Of royal anger dying. - That's how court-plaster got its name - Unless I'm greatly lying. - -Naramy Oof - - -FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by -gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person -distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church -feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly -immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these -entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by -the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, -as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is -believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. -Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was -held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. - -FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in -embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. - -FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. - - The Maker, at Creation's birth, - With living things had stocked the earth. - From elephants to bats and snails, - They all were good, for all were males. - But when the Devil came and saw - He said: "By Thine eternal law - Of growth, maturity, decay, - These all must quickly pass away - And leave untenanted the earth - Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- - Then tucked his head beneath his wing - To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing - With deviltry did so accord, - That he'd suggested to the Lord. - The Master pondered this advice, - Then shook and threw the fateful dice - Wherewith all matters here below - Are ordered, and observed the throw; - Then bent His head in awful state, - Confirming the decree of Fate. - From every part of earth anew - The conscious dust consenting flew, - While rivers from their courses rolled - To make it plastic for the mould. - Enough collected (but no more, - For niggard Nature hoards her store) - He kneaded it to flexible clay, - While Nick unseen threw some away. - And then the various forms He cast, - Gross organs first and finer last; - No one at once evolved, but all - By even touches grew and small - Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, - To match all living things He'd made - Females, complete in all their parts - Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. - "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed - I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -- - So flew away and soon brought back - The number needed, in a sack. - That night earth range with sounds of strife -- - Ten million males each had a wife; - That night sweet Peace her pinions spread - O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! - -G.J. - - -FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest -approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. - - When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, - Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. - Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief - By proof that even himself was not a slave - To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave - Had been of all her servitors the chief - Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf - Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. - No, David served not Naked Truth when he - Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; - Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: - For reason shows that it could never be, - And the facts contradict him to his face. - Men are not liars all, for some are dead. - -Bartle Quinker - - -FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. - -FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a -horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. - - To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn - I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." - To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, - 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." - -Orm Pludge - - -FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. - -FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for -the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word -with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of -America's most precious discoveries and possessions. - -FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and -ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one -sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here." - -FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. - -FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another -party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, -who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our -partisan journals. - -FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by -Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various -literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and -general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These -creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and -companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly -embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, -according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by -a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the -writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, -the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and -critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked -right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which -comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children -to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful -instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the -methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of -races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is -found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and -chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and -serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. -In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making -the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine -revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever -marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable -enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. -Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of -the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such -assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to -grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, -in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to -understand the important services that flies perform to literature it -is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a -saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit -brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the -duration of exposure. - -FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and -controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns -his life. - - Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once - In a thick volume, and all authors known, - If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, - Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts - Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, - To mend their lives and to sustain his own, - However feebly be his arrows thrown, - - Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. - All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, - With lusty lung, here on his western strand - With all thine offspring thronged from every land, - Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. - And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, - Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. - -Aramis Loto Frope - - -FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation -and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is -omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was -who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the -telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created -patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, -law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican -government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as -creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang -upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the -procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the -set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening -meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal -grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of -eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human -civilization. - -FORCE, n. - - "Force is but might," the teacher said -- - "That definition's just." - The boy said naught but thought instead, - Remembering his pounded head: - "Force is not might but must!" - -FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two -malefactors. - -FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I -consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in -explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; -when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles -caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, -and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to -prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the -efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these -awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the -mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing -to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly -refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. - -FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation -for their destitution of conscience. - -FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead -animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this -purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many -advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether -reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of -these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking -proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. - -FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person -- a -method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately -permitted to lose his case. - - When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court - (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) - Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, - He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. - - "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; - "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." - So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: - He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. - -G.J. - - -FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds -lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval -times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in -this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent -an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity -of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you -master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the -officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must -e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this -act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master -the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too -great wealth." - -FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose -annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. - -FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half -dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political -condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual -monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is -not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a -living specimen of either. - - Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, - Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; - On every wind, indeed, that blows - I hear her yell. - - She screams whenever monarchs meet, - And parliaments as well, - To bind the chains about her feet - And toll her knell. - - And when the sovereign people cast - The votes they cannot spell, - Upon the pestilential blast - Her clamors swell. - - For all to whom the power's given - To sway or to compel, - Among themselves apportion Heaven - And give her Hell. - -Blary O'Gary - - -FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and -fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, -among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the -dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces -all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming -up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of -Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by -Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, -Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the -Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the -Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the -Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason. - -FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. -Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. - -FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but -only one in foul. - - The sea was calm and the sky was blue; - Merrily, merrily sailed we two. - (High barometer maketh glad.) - On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, - The tempest descended and we fell out. - (O the walking is nasty bad!) - -Armit Huff Bettle - - -FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in -profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and -the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the -work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has -set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain -frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was -besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, -who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, -that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the -programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good -voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by -Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the -music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses -have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling -them to shine in a hurdle race. - -FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that -punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented -by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died -without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp -who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and -devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its -terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. -Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of -invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The -following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) -seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to -this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life -reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the -other side, rewarding its devotees: - - Old Nick was summoned to the skies. - Said Peter: "Your intentions - Are good, but you lack enterprise - Concerning new inventions. - - "Now, broiling in an ancient plan - Of torment, but I hear it - Reported that the frying-pan - Sears best the wicked spirit. - - "Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- - Fry sinners brown and good in't." - "I know a trick worth two o' that," - Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." - -FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by -enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure -that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - - The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse - To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. - Our friends expire -- we make the money fly - In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. - -Jex Wopley - - -FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our -friends are true and our happiness is assured. - - - -G - - - -GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which -the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the -gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. - - Whether on the gallows high - Or where blood flows the reddest, - The noblest place for man to die -- - Is where he died the deadest. - -(Old play) - - -GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval -buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some -personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was -especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures -generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery -of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean -and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others -substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the -new incumbents. - -GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out -of her stockings and desolating the country. - -GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was -rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble -by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. - -GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did -not particularly care to trace his own. - -GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. - - Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: - A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. - Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, - For dictionary makers are generally gents. - -G.J. - - -GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between -the outside of the world and the inside. - - Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, - Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, - In passing thence along the river Zam - To the adjacent village of Xelam, - Bewildered by the multitude of roads, - Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, - Then from exposure miserably died, - And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. - -Henry Haukhorn - - -GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, -will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up -garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe -already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, -consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, -antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The -Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary -comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy -boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, -anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. - -GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. - - He saw a ghost. - It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- - The path that he was following. - Before he'd time to stop and fly, - An earthquake trifled with the eye - That saw a ghost. - He fell as fall the early good; - Unmoved that awful vision stood. - The stars that danced before his ken - He wildly brushed away, and then - He saw a post. - -Jared Macphester - - - Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions -somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much -afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such -tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of -my own experience. - There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost -never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his -habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not -only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is -nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile -fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, -what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the -apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost -in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and -get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. - -GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring -the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of -controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of -comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In -1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened -it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with -many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more -than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at -the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he -would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a -ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury -and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished -a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water -turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has -since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the -fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral -at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed -men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and -captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had -transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was -nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous -popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so -affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself -in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. - -GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by -committing dyspepsia. - -GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the -interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral -treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough -in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw -them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig -Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and -Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a -Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these -statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as -1764. - -GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion -between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not -go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin -of the fusion managers. - -GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state -resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is -something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. - - A hunter from Kew caught a distant view - Of a peacefully meditative gnu, - And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue - In its blood at a closer interview." - But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw - O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; - And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew - Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew - That really meritorious gnu." - -Jarn Leffer - - -GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. -Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. - -GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some -occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various -degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, -so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person -called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript -of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as -discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found -to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be -very great geese indeed. - -GORGON, n. - - The Gorgon was a maiden bold - Who turned to stone the Greeks of old - That looked upon her awful brow. - We dig them out of ruins now, - And swear that workmanship so bad - Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. - -GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. - -GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, -who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no -expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and -dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to -be blowing. - -GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet -for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to -distinction. - -GRAPE, n. - - Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, - Anacreon and Khayyam; - Thy praise is ever on the tongue - Of better men than I am. - - The lyre in my hand has never swept, - The song I cannot offer: - My humbler service pray accept -- - I'll help to kill the scoffer. - The water-drinkers and the cranks - Who load their skins with liquor -- - I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks - And tap them with my sticker. - - Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools - When e'er we let the wine rest. - Here's death to Prohibition's fools, - And every kind of vine-pest! - -Jamrach Holobom - - -GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to -the demands of American Socialism. - -GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of -the medical student. - - Beside a lonely grave I stood -- - With brambles 'twas encumbered; - The winds were moaning in the wood, - Unheard by him who slumbered, - - A rustic standing near, I said: - "He cannot hear it blowing!" - "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- - He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." - - "Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- - No sound his sense can quicken!" - "Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- - The deadster ain't a-kickin'." - - I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile - On him, and mercy show him!" - That countryman looked on the while, - And said: "Ye didn't know him." - -Pobeter Dunko - - -GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another -with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- -the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength -of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and -edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, -makes B the proof of A. - -GREAT, adj. - - "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign - The monarch of the wood and plain!" - - The Elephant replied: "I'm great -- - No quadruped can match my weight!" - - "I'm great -- no animal has half - So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. - - "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see - My femoral muscularity!" - - The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, - My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" - - An Oyster fried was understood - To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" - - Each reckons greatness to consist - In that in which he heads the list, - - And Vierick thinks he tops his class - Because he is the greatest ass. - -Arion Spurl Doke - - -GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders -with good reason. - In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the -learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture --- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles -and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside -the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an -authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and -enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) -the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a -theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I -have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired -by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. - -GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the -settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left -unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to -the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it -was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion -seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, -it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of -Agriculture. - Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event -that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of -Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of -the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented -him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the -_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial -value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was -instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with -soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line -of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look -backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a -lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the -earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary -saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and -fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, -then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself -thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators -along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak -prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, -and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" -cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading -line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," -said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again -centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of -Washington." - - - -H - - - -HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when -confined for the wrong crime. - -HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. - -HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the -place where the dead live. - Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our -Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in -a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves -were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. -When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of -evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a -majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a -conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record -and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the -next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly -sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, -somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good -prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the -means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and -immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. - -HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes -called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were -called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind -of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that -peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time -hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, -all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not -now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is -reserved for the use of her grandchildren. - -HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or -considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion -arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience -could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father -Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would -demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and -unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the -body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the -negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a -viper. - -HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, -but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a -somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and -saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture -in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred -as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, -or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a -pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the -nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly -decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his -unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. - -HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and -commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - -HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various -ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals -to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent -invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties -to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of -"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, -as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails -in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. - -HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest -dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a -populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States -his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, -where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the -first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the -expediency of hanging Jerseymen. - -HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the -misery of another. - -HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- -outang. - -HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed -to the fury of the customs. - -HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from -Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for -the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. - -HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what -hash is. - -HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. - - "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, - For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. - The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, - With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. - -John Lukkus - - -HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's -superiority. - -HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. - - In ancient times there lived a king - Whose tax-collectors could not wring - From all his subjects gold enough - To make the royal way less rough. - For pleasure's highway, like the dames - Whose premises adjoin it, claims - Perpetual repairing. So - The tax-collectors in a row - Appeared before the throne to pray - Their master to devise some way - To swell the revenue. "So great," - Said they, "are the demands of state - A tithe of all that we collect - Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: - How, if one-tenth we must resign, - Can we exist on t'other nine?" - The monarch asked them in reply: - "Has it occurred to you to try - The advantage of economy?" - "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold - All of our gray garrotes of gold; - With plated-ware we now compress - The necks of those whom we assess. - Plain iron forceps we employ - To mitigate the miser's joy - Who hoards, with greed that never tires, - That which your Majesty requires." - Deep lines of thought were seen to plow - Their way across the royal brow. - "Your state is desperate, no question; - Pray favor me with a suggestion." - "O King of Men," the spokesman said, - "If you'll impose upon each head - A tax, the augmented revenue - We'll cheerfully divide with you." - As flashes of the sun illume - The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, - The king smiled grimly. "I decree - That it be so -- and, not to be - In generosity outdone, - Declare you, each and every one, - Exempted from the operation - Of this new law of capitation. - But lest the people censure me - Because they're bound and you are free, - 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid - By you this poll-tax to evade. - I'll leave you now while you confer - With my most trusted minister." - The monarch from the throne-room walked - And straightway in among them stalked - A silent man, with brow concealed, - Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed! - -G.J. - - -HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. - -HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this -useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments -- a -very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once -universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions -reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of -the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a -feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from -which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a -caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a -pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a -hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh -of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. -Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, -my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and -Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a -scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John -Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a -striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's -famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. - -HEAT, n. - - Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode - Of motion, but I know now how he's proving - His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed - With skill will set the human fist a-moving, - And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. - _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. - -Gorton Swope - - -HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship -something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, -of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. - - "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A Christian philosopher. I'm - A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, - Addicted too much to the crime - Of religious discussion in my rhyme. - - Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree - On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! -- - Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, - And I haven't been reared in a way - To joy in the thick of the fray. - - For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, - And the truth of it I aver: - Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, - And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- - And I'm down upon him or her! - - Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin - Toleration -- that's all very well, - But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, - And he's running -- I know by the smell -- - A secret and personal Hell! - -Bissell Gip - - -HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with -talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention -while you expound your own. - -HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an -altogether superior creation. - -HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. - - "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" - Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' - She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- - For it's naught ye are ever doin'." - - "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, - And no sign of contrition envices; - "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, - For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" - -Marley Wottel - - -HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of -neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open -air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. - -HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. - -HERS, pron. His. - -HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. -There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of -various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the -whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is -admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean -that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four -centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that -swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their -brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently -been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of -the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation -of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent -is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to -which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was -strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not -wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. - -HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half -griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and -half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter -eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of -zoology is full of surprises. - -HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. - -HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, -which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly -fools. - - Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown - 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, - Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, - Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. - -Salder Bupp - - -HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and -serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, -the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for -the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster -that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been -known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of -this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not -discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. - -HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. - -HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and -Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly -inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they -can not. - -HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are -four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and -praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain -whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for -advantage of the lawyers. - -HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual -needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. - - So skilled the parson was in homiletics - That all his normal purges and emetics - To medicine the spirit were compounded - With a most just discrimination founded - Upon a rigorous examination - Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. - Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, - His scriptural specifics this physician - Administered -- his pills so efficacious - And pukes of disposition so vivacious - That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam - Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. - But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered - Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered - That in the case of patients having money - The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. - -_Biography of Bishop Potter_ - - -HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In -legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as -honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - -HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. - - Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- - Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; - When even his dog deserts him, and his goat - With tranquil disaffection chews his coat - While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, - The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, - Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint - The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. - -Fogarty Weffing - - -HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain -persons who are not in need of food and lodging. - -HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the -earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and -passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female -friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. - -HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make -things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence -marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a -soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient -esteem. - -HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, -mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. -_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal -service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. -_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. -_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult -persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a -youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously -disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has -pleased God to place her. - -HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. - -HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. - - Twaddle had a hovel, - Twiddle had a palace; - Twaddle said: "I'll grovel - Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- - A sentiment as novel - As a castor on a chalice. - - Down upon the middle - Of his legs fell Twaddle - And astonished Mr. Twiddle, - Who began to lift his noddle. - Feed upon the fiddle- - Faddle flummery, unswaddle - A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] - -G.J. - - -HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the -anthropoid poets. - -HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar -austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with -his best wishes, cat-quick. - - Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind - See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined -- - Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, - His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. - He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, - A graceful hog would bear his company. - -Alexander Poke - - -HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now -generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is -still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain -old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of -the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's -usefulness has outlasted it. - -HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. - -HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the -plate. - -HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. - -HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many -heads. - -HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its -habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the -medical student does that. - -HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. - - Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot - Where long the village rubbish had been shot - Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- - "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. - -Bogul S. Purvy - - -HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect -secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. - - - -I - - - -I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, -the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In -grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its -plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself -is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this -incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but -fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer -from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to -cloak his loot. - -ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of -blood. - - Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, - Restrained the raging chief and said: - "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- - Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" - -Mary Doke - - -ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are -imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest -that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but -pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of -those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the -iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; -and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress -the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." - -IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in -human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's -activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, -but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in -everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and -opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes -conduct with a dead-line. - -IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of -new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. - -IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge -familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know -nothing about. - - Dumble was an ignoramus, - Mumble was for learning famous. - Mumble said one day to Dumble: - "Ignorance should be more humble. - Not a spark have you of knowledge - That was got in any college." - Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly - You're self-satisfied unduly. - Of things in college I'm denied - A knowledge -- you of all beside." - -Borelli - - -ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the -sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- -_cunctationes illuminati_. - -ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and -detraction. - -IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint -ownership. - -IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting -censorious critics of this dictionary. - -IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better -than another. - -IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with -a feeble conception of worth in others. - - There was once a man in Ispahan - Ever and ever so long ago, - And he had a head, the phrenologists said, - That fitted him for a show. - - For his modesty's bump was so large a lump - (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) - That its summit stood far above the wood - Of his hair, like a mountain peak. - - So modest a man in all Ispahan, - Over and over again they swore -- - So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; - None ever was found before. - - Meantime the hump of that awful bump - Into the heavens contrived to get - To so great a height that they called the wight - The man with the minaret. - - There wasn't a man in all Ispahan - Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: - With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung - He bragged of that beautiful bump - - Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page - Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, - And that gentle child explained as he smiled: - "A little present for you." - - The saddest man in all Ispahan, - Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. - "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility - Had given me deathless fame!" - -Sukker Uffro - - -IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard -to the greater number of instances men find to be generally -inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's -notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of -expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other -way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and -nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a -lie and reason a disorder of the mind. - -IMMORTALITY, n. - - A toy which people cry for, - And on their knees apply for, - Dispute, contend and lie for, - And if allowed - Would be right proud - Eternally to die for. - -G.J. - - -IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains -fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, -properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the -body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common -mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is -still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the -beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in -"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole -of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as -"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in -Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for -crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded -for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of -sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must -be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious -dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he -would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in -the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. - -IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage -from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two -conflicting opinions. - -IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between -sin and punishment. - -IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. - -IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on -of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but -performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. - - "Lo! by the laying on of hands," - Say parson, priest and dervise, - "We consecrate your cash and lands - To ecclesiastical service. - No doubt you'll swear till all is blue - At such an imposition. Do." - -Pollo Doncas - - -IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. - -IMPROBABILITY, n. - - His tale he told with a solemn face - And a tender, melancholy grace. - Improbable 'twas, no doubt, - When you came to think it out, - But the fascinated crowd - Their deep surprise avowed - And all with a single voice averred - 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- - All save one who spake never a word, - But sat as mum - As if deaf and dumb, - Serene, indifferent and unstirred. - Then all the others turned to him - And scrutinized him limb from limb -- - Scanned him alive; - But he seemed to thrive - And tranquiler grow each minute, - As if there were nothing in it. - "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed - At what our friend has told?" He raised - Soberly then his eyes and gazed - In a natural way - And proceeded to say, - As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: - "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." - -IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues -of to-morrow. - -IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. - -INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain -kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be -entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of -proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible -because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for -examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, -commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay -evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis -than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the -Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long -dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known -to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they -now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its -support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be -proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was -such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. - -But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily -be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were -a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which -certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a -flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it -were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was -ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery -for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human -testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - -INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being -unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any -important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state -prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite -and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the -flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. -Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided -that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or -"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the -Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities -were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." - - A Roman slave appeared one day - Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, - If --" here the Augur, smiling, made - A checking gesture and displayed - His open palm, which plainly itched, - For visibly its surface twitched. - A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) - Successfully allayed the tickle, - And then the slave proceeded: "Please - Inform me whether Fate decrees - Success or failure in what I - To-night (if it be dark) shall try. - Its nature? Never mind -- I think - 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink - Which darkened half the earth, he drew - Another denarius to view, - Its shining face attentive scanned, - Then slipped it into the good man's hand, - Who with great gravity said: "Wait - While I retire to question Fate." - That holy person then withdrew - His scared clay and, passing through - The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" - Waving his robe of office. Straight - Each sacred peacock and its mate - (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled - With clamor from the trees o'erhead, - Where they were perching for the night. - The temple's roof received their flight, - For thither they would always go, - When danger threatened them below. - Back to the slave the Augur went: - "My son, forecasting the event - By flight of birds, I must confess - The auspices deny success." - That slave retired, a sadder man, - Abandoning his secret plan -- - Which was (as well the craft seer - Had from the first divined) to clear - The wall and fraudulently seize - On Juno's poultry in the trees. - -G.J. - - -INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of -respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, -arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the -play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in -whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- -stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own -subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and -all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but -to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be -rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and -their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the -lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who -bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, -being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily -accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and -rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." - -INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly -the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a -meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been -known to wear a moustache. - -INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two -things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for -one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and -God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only -incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel -yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are -incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in -stately courtesy are altogether superior. - -INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though -probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best -nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including -_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus -(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be -out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public -schools. - Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- -tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- -sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm -of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, -generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to -learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from -their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; -but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the -test. - -INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - -INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir -Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to -do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it -followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many -chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear -and satisfactory exposition on the matter. - "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain -occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five -minutes to make up your mind in." - "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great -thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt -whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a -copper." - "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" - "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I -disobeyed the coin." - -INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. - - "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, - "You've grown indifferent to all in life." - "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; - "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." - -Apuleius M. Gokul - - -INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends -frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the -salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put -it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no -pray; big bellyache, heap God." - -INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. - -INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. - -INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, -"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon -afterward. - -INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for -propitiation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the -pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual -needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor -might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising -materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of -Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an -audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically -recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, -giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down -to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the -point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled -the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine -mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back -further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court -of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption -in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the -matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. - -INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian -religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of -scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, -divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, -voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, -missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, -muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, -primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, -clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, -preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, -bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, -deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, -hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, -postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, -reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, -mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, -sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, -prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and -pumpums. - -INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a -substantial _quid_. - -INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have -sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the -Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed -from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called -Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity -of their views about Adam. - - Two theologues once, as they wended their way - To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- - An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, - Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. - "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord - Decreed he should fall of his own accord." - "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, - "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." - So fierce and so fiery grew the debate - That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; - So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground - And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. - Ere either had proved his theology right - By winning, or even beginning, the fight, - A gray old professor of Latin came by, - A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, - And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still - As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill - Of foreordination freedom of will) - Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: - Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. - The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear - Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. - _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- - Should only contend that Adam slipped down; - While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- - Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. - It's all the same whether up or down - You slip on a peel of banana brown. - Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, - But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! - -G.J. - - -INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise -an object of charity. - - "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," - The good philanthropist replied; - "I did great service to a man one day - Who never since has cursed me to repay, - Nor vilified." - - "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- - With veneration I am overcome, - And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate -- - He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state - This man is dumb." - -Ariel Selp - - -INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. - -INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others -and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the -back. - -INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and -water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote -intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and -contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to -blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and -acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an -edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal -quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have -established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others -to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid -to get in pays twice as much to get out. - -INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, -ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to -us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths -of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible -to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it -"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in -one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's -country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance -of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's -diseases. - -IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent -investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute -observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the -mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our -important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds -that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms -the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points -confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. -Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by -believing both. - -INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are -of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame -of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of -his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the -name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following -are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) - - "In the sky my soul is found, - And my body in the ground. - By and by my body'll rise - To my spirit in the skies, - Soaring up to Heaven's gate. - 1878." - - "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, -aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." - - "Affliction sore long time she boar, - Phisicians was in vain, - Till Deth released the dear deceased - And left her a remain. - Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." - - "The clay that rests beneath this stone - As Silas Wood was widely known. - Now, lying here, I ask what good - It was to let me be S. Wood. - O Man, let not ambition trouble you, - Is the advice of Silas W." - - "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had -the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." - -INSECTIVORA, n. - - "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, - "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" - "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: - For us He has provided wrens and swallows." - -Sempen Railey - - -INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player -is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating -the man who keeps the table. - - INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me - insure it. - HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so - low that by the time when, according to the tables of your - actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have - paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. - INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. - We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. - HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? - INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. - There was Smith's house, for example, which -- - HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the - contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- - INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! - HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay - you money on the supposition that something will occur - previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In - other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last - so long as you say that it will probably last. - INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it - will be a total loss. - HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I - shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I - would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the - face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to - burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are - based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were - insured? - INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our - luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your - loss. - HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their - losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before - they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case - stands this way: you expect to take more money from your - clients than you pay to them, do you not? - INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not -- - HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well - then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of - your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, - with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is - these individual probabilities that make the aggregate - certainty. - INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in - this pamph -- - HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! - INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would - otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander - them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. - HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is - not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you - command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a - Deserving Object. - -INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure -to substitute misrule for bad government. - -INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of -influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, -immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. - -INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to -understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to -the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - -INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is -governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment -of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most -unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm -again. - -INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for -their mutual destruction. - - Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue - And one in white, together drew - And having each a pleasant sense - Of t'other powder's excellence, - Forsook their jackets for the snug - Enjoyment of a common mug. - So close their intimacy grew - One paper would have held the two. - To confidences straight they fell, - Less anxious each to hear than tell; - Then each remorsefully confessed - To all the virtues he possessed, - Acknowledging he had them in - So high degree it was a sin. - The more they said, the more they felt - Their spirits with emotion melt, - Till tears of sentiment expressed - Their feelings. Then they effervesced! - So Nature executes her feats - Of wrath on friends and sympathetes - The good old rule who don't apply, - That you are you and I am I. - -INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the -gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The -introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, -being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every -American being the equal of every other American, it follows that -everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the -right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of -Independence should have read thus: - - "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are - created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain - inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to - make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an - incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the - liberty to introduce persons to one another without first - ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and - the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of - strangers." - -INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, -levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - -IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. - -ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. - - - -J - - - -J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- -than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has -been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and -it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, -_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the -dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as -expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of -Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of -three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the -j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. - -JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which -can be lost only if not worth keeping. - -JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose -business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and -utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The -king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some -centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were -sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of -all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and -romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise -and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the -court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same -jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the -patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. - - The widow-queen of Portugal - Had an audacious jester - Who entered the confessional - Disguised, and there confessed her. - - "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- - My sins are more than scarlet: - I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, - And common, base-born varlet." - - "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, - "That sin, indeed, is awful: - The church's pardon is denied - To love that is unlawful. - "But since thy stubborn heart will be - For him forever pleading, - Thou'dst better make him, by decree, - A man of birth and breeding." - - She made the fool a duke, in hope - With Heaven's taboo to palter; - Then told a priest, who told the Pope, - Who damned her from the altar! - -Barel Dort - - -JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with -the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. - -JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan -tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. - -JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition -the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes -and personal service. - - - -K - - - - -K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced -away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation -inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called -_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was -originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker -explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the -destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ -730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its -portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other -remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to -have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great -antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say -touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. -It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional -mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one -of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no -objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on -that side of the question. - -KEEP, v.t. - - He willed away his whole estate, - And then in death he fell asleep, - Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, - My name unblemished I shall keep." - But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought - Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. - -Durang Gophel Arn - - -KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. - -KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and -Americans in Scotland. - -KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. - -KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," -although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. - - A king, in times long, long gone by, - Said to his lazy jester: - "If I were you and you were I - My moments merrily would fly -- - Nor care nor grief to pester." - - "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," - The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- - Is that of all the fools alive - Who own you for their sovereign, I've - The most forgiving spirit." - -Oogum Bem - - -KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the -sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the -most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the -ailing subjects and make them whole -- - - a crowd of wretched souls - That stay his cure: their malady convinces - The great essay of art; but at his touch, - Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, - They presently amend, - -as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the -royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown -properties; for according to "Malcolm," - - 'tis spoken - To the succeeding royalty he leaves - The healing benediction. - - But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the -later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the -disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler -one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the -following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but -it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national -disorder is not a thing of yesterday. - - Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, - Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. - He layde his hand on mine and sayd: - "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. - But O ye wofull plyght in wh. - I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! - - The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is -dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of -custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and -shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great -dignitary bestows his healing salutation on - - strangely visited people, - All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, - The mere despair of surgery, - -he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once -was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of -men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings -the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." - -KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is -supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony -appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its -performance is unknown to this lexicographer. - -KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. - -KNIGHT, n. - - Once a warrior gentle of birth, - Then a person of civic worth, - Now a fellow to move our mirth. - Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: - We must knight our dogs to get any lower. - Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, - Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, - Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, - Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. - God speed the day when this knighting fad - Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. - -KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been -written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a -wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. - - - -L - - - -LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - -LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The -theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control -is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the -superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some -have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own -implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass -are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that -if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will -be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to -exist. - - A life on the ocean wave, - A home on the rolling deep, - For the spark the nature gave - I have there the right to keep. - - They give me the cat-o'-nine - Whenever I go ashore. - Then ho! for the flashing brine -- - I'm a natural commodore! - -Dodle - - -LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding -another's treasure. - -LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest -of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. -The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the -serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as -one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human -intelligence over brute inertia. - -LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an -admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly -useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and -heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, -imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's -substantial welfare. - -LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as -opportunity to the maker of puns. - - Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, - Where the cobbler is unknown, - So that I might forget his last - And hear your own. - -Gargo Repsky - - -LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the -features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious -and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter -is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- -these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, -but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in -bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to -animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has -not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that -the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous -fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he -names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. - -LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the -Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as -dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal -funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had -the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and -cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense -which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the -aspect of a national crime. - -LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and -formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as -had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) - -LAW, n. - - Once Law was sitting on the bench, - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. - "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. - Upon your knees if you appear, - 'Tis plain your have no standing here." - - Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" - "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." - "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- - I never saw your face before!" - -G.J. - - -LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. - -LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. - -LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. - -LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to -light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other -men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an -argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong -way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international -controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is -precipitated in great quantities. - - Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great - And universal arbiter; endowed - With penetration to pierce any cloud - Fogging the field of controversial hate, - And with a sift, inevitable, straight, - Searching precision find the unavowed - But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed - By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. - O useful metal! -- were it not for thee - We'd grapple one another's ears alway: - But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee - We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." - And when the quick have run away like pellets - Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. - -LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. - -LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear -and his faith in your patience. - -LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of -tears. - -LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in -which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as -in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: - - The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. - Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" - - It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to -teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses -are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to -find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a -rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. - -LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that -pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the -good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man -has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the -appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being -reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire -comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to -shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to -the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, -salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with -sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an -intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." - -LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some -suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished -ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with -considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus -Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an -exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous -monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. - -LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of -recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does -what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and -mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his -dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas -his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural -servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial -power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a -chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) -mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men -thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however -desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of -impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, -recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow -at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has -no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" --- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven -forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the -dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when -from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own -meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a -Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end -and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy -preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the -lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which -his Creator had not created him to create. - - God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," - And lexicographers arose, a swarm! - Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, - And catalogued each garment in a book. - Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: - "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise - And scan the list, and say without compassion: - "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." - -Sigismund Smith - - -LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. - -LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. - - The rising People, hot and out of breath, - Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" - "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; - You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." - -Martha Braymance - - -LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing -a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the -blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the -lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the -latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling -is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a -confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and -the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will -cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. - -LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live -in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. -The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; -particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written -at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of -the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of -successful controversy. - - "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," - Carelessly caroled the golden youth. - In manhood still he maintained that view - And held it more strongly the older he grew. - When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, - "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. - -Han Soper - - -LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the -government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. - -LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. - - 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, - And the salesman laced them tight - To a very remarkable height -- - Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- - Higher than _can_ be right. - For the Bible declares -- but never mind: - It is hardly fit - To censure freely and fault to find - With others for sins that I'm not inclined - Myself to commit. - Each has his weakness, and though my own - Is freedom from every sin, - It still were unfair to pitch in, - Discharging the first censorious stone. - Besides, the truth compels me to say, - The boots in question were _made_ that way. - As he drew the lace she made a grimace, - And blushingly said to him: - "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, - It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." - The salesman smiled in a manner mild, - Like an artless, undesigning child; - Then, checking himself, to his face he gave - A look as sorrowful as the grave, - Though he didn't care two figs - For her paints and throes, - As he stroked her toes, - Remarking with speech and manner just - Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust - That it doesn't hurt your twigs." - -B. Percival Dike - - -LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, -entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. - -LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of -retaining his bones. - -LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of -as a sausage. - -LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be -bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary -anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to -infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side -of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time -considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we -live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it -that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. - -LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one -learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast -upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, -and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At -the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the -expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old -D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum -Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been -suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who -points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the -advantage of a degree. - -LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and -enlightenment. - -LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that -delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. - -LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with -the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The -basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor -premise and a conclusion -- thus: - _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as -quickly as one man. - _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; -therefore -- - _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by -combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are -twice blessed. - -LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds -punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in -which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is -denied the reward of success. - - 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men - That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. - Alas! we cannot know if this is true, - For reading Milton's wit we perish too. - -LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance -while maturing a plan of revenge. - -LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. - -LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting -show for man's disillusion given. - The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso -looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain -courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby -enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: -"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of -thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, -prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign -countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of -the Universe!" - Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be -conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither -without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but -idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with -cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the -glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, -he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and -that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this -was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his -image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody -bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who -had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught -wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the -mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with -justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while -on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure -of an angel, which remains to this day. - -LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb -his tongue when you wish to talk. - -LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a -costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The -traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry -Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, -as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather -flattery than true reverence. - - Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, - Wedded a wandering English lord -- - Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," - A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. - Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare - Unworthy the father-in-legal care - Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth - That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; - For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage - Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. - Among them, cupidity caused him to urge - Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, - Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw - Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, - And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, - To the business of being a lord himself. - His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed - And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; - Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear - A whisker that looked like a blasted career. - He painted his neck an incarnadine hue - Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. - The moony monocular set in his eye - Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. - His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, - And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. - In speech he eschewed his American ways, - Denying his nose to the use of his A's - And dulling their edge till the delicate sense - Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. - His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, - The patter they made as they fell at his feet! - Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear - Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. - Alas, the Divinity shaping his end - Entertained other views and decided to send - His lordship in horror, despair and dismay - From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. - For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde - Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! - -G.J. - - -LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from -a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult -books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore -and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's -_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these -traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a -common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of -"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little -Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The -Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The -fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl- -King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the -Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths -is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." - -LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the -latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his -election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost -his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the -word is used in the famous epitaph: - - Here Huntington's ashes long have lain - Whose loss is our eternal gain, - For while he exercised all his powers - Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. - -LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of -the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. -This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only -among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous -nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from -its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the -physician than to the patient. - -LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. - -LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not -writing about it. - -LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from -Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been -described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much -agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity -with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill -tribes of Vermont. - -LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a -figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following -fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: - - I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, - And pick with care the disobedient wire. - That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook - With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. - I bide my time, and it shall come at length, - When, with a Titan's energy and strength, - I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, - The word shall suffer when I let them go! - -Farquharson Harris - - - - -M - - - -MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a -heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from -dissent. - -MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling -one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. - - So plain the advantages of machination - It constitutes a moral obligation, - And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing - Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. - So prospers still the diplomatic art, - And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. - -R.S.K. - - -MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. -History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old -Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A -Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he -had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. -Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he -could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a -linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five -hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. -There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. -Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of -_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes -back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The -President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the -friends of his youth have risen to high political and military -preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses -following were written by a macrobian: - - When I was young the world was fair - And amiable and sunny. - A brightness was in all the air, - In all the waters, honey. - The jokes were fine and funny, - The statesmen honest in their views, - And in their lives, as well, - And when you heard a bit of news - 'Twas true enough to tell. - Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, - Nor women "generally speaking." - - The Summer then was long indeed: - It lasted one whole season! - The sparkling Winter gave no heed - When ordered by Unreason - To bring the early peas on. - Now, where the dickens is the sense - In calling that a year - Which does no more than just commence - Before the end is near? - When I was young the year extended - From month to month until it ended. - I know not why the world has changed - To something dark and dreary, - And everything is now arranged - To make a fellow weary. - The Weather Man -- I fear he - Has much to do with it, for, sure, - The air is not the same: - It chokes you when it is impure, - When pure it makes you lame. - With windows closed you are asthmatic; - Open, neuralgic or sciatic. - - Well, I suppose this new regime - Of dun degeneration - Seems eviler than it would seem - To a better observation, - And has for compensation - Some blessings in a deep disguise - Which mortal sight has failed - To pierce, although to angels' eyes - They're visible unveiled. - If Age is such a boon, good land! - He's costumed by a master hand! - -Venable Strigg - - -MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; -not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by -the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; -in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad -by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For -illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no -firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any -madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead -of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he -may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum -and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many -thoughtless spectators. - -MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found -out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary -of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by -St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of -Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is -pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly -sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for -Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of -revisers. - -MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are -other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet -lexicographer does not name them. - -MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. - -MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. - The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the -works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the -subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of -human knowledge. - -MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to -which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, -or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. - -MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is -large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased -in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was -before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be -larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the -relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the -astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. -For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a -small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- -fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures -peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper -emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these -to another. - -MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone -that it might be taught to talk. - -MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless -conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide -geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored -wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, -nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though -in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with -regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field -by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. - - A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- - This quaint, sweet song sang she; - "It's O for a youth with a football bang - And a muscle fair to see! - The Captain he - Of a team to be! - On the gridiron he shall shine, - A monarch by right divine, - And never to roast on it -- me!" - -Opoline Jones - - -MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just -contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great -Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders -of republican America. - -MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male -of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The -genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. - -MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus -believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could -not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the -Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers -have been of the same way of thinking. - -MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a -state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened -put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. - -MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple -is in the holy city of New York. - - He swore that all other religions were gammon, - And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. - -Jared Oopf - - -MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he -thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His -chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own -species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to -infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - - When the world was young and Man was new, - And everything was pleasant, - Distinctions Nature never drew - 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. - We're not that way at present, - Save here in this Republic, where - We have that old regime, - For all are kings, however bare - Their backs, howe'er extreme - Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice - To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. - - A citizen who would not vote, - And, therefore, was detested, - Was one day with a tarry coat - (With feathers backed and breasted) - By patriots invested. - "It is your duty," cried the crowd, - "Your ballot true to cast - For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, - And explained his wicked past: - "That's what I very gladly would have done, - Dear patriots, but he has never run." - -Apperton Duke - - -MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in -a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had -exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been -particularly happy afterward. - -MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare -between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians -joined the victorious Opposition. - -MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the -wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled -down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies -of the original occupants. - -MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a -master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - -MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a -desired death. - -MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an -imaginary one. Important. - - Material things I know, or fell, or see; - All else is immaterial to me. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. - -MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a -state religion. - -ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in -English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the -oppressive. Each is all three. - -MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the -ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of -Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing -when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. - -MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, -attainments or services more or less authentic. - It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for -gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of -the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he -didn't. - -MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. - -MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth -while. - - M is for Moses, - Who slew the Egyptian. - As sweet as a rose is - The meekness of Moses. - No monument shows his - Post-mortem inscription, - But M is for Moses - Who slew the Egyptian. - -_The Biographical Alphabet_ - -MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed -to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in -coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen -engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been -disclosed by the manufacturers. - - There was a youth (you've heard before, - This woeful tale, may be), - Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore - That color it would he! - - He shut himself from the world away, - Nor any soul he saw. - He smoke by night, he smoked by day, - As hard as he could draw. - - His dog died moaning in the wrath - Of winds that blew aloof; - The weeds were in the gravel path, - The owl was on the roof. - - "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," - The neighbors sadly say. - And so they batter in the door - To take his goods away. - - Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, - Nut-brown in face and limb. - "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, - "But it has colored him!" - - The moral there's small need to sing -- - 'Tis plain as day to you: - Don't play your game on any thing - That is a gamester too. - -Martin Bulstrode - - -MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. - -MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial -pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. - -MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. - -MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage -and asked Incredulity to dinner. - -METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. - -MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be -screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. - -MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its -chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, -the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing -but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown -to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor -over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," -emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's -conscia recti." - -MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. - -MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. -In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible -embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification -is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. - -MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. - -MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with -a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can -bear. - -MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and -unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with -four aces and a king. - -MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. -Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present -signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to -the development of our language. - -MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a -felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal -society. - - By misdemeanors he essays to climb - Into the aristocracy of crime. - O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand - "Captains of industry" refused his hand, - "Kings of finance" denied him recognition - And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. - He robbed a bank to make himself respected. - They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. - -S.V. Hanipur - - -MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the -foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. - -MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. - -MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate -that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are -the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound -and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In -the general abolition of social titles in this our country they -miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be -consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest -Mush, abbreviated to Mh. - -MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is -distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit -of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, -indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the -structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the -atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of -precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the -condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific -thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the -molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth -theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more -about the matter than the others. - -MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See -_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to -be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without -manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of -considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which -the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentleman. -Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities -needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class --- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be -confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern -him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct -species. - -MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch -ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects -have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has -still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the -disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political -administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being -somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his -own head. - -MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. - -MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - -MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we -part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite -society. Supportable property. - -MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in -genealogical trees. - -MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary -babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound -by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is -to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable -of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. - - The man who writes in Saxon - Is the man to use an ax on - -Judibras - - -MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of -our religion overlooked the advantages. - -MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which -either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. - - The bones of Agammemnon are a show, - And ruined is his royal monument, - -but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The -monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the -unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of -those who have left no memory. - -MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. -Having the quality of general expediency. - - It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on -one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other -syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much -conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act -as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. - -_Gooke's Meditations_ - - -MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. - -MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in -Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in -Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female -heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only -Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs -met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even -attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by -declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, -some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from -lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of -the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths -lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical -figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a -lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. - -MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in -New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell -muskeeter. - -MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of -the heart. - -MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted -to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. - -MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. - -MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In -a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude -of counsellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of -equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be -that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting -together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well say -that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains -composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey -him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. - -MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern -civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with -an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the -vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower -animals. - - By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, - Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. - We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, - Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, - Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, - And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. - O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: - For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? - -Scopas Brune - - -MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English -society, the American wife of an English nobleman. - -MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't -lead. - -MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its -origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished -from the true accounts which it invents later. - - - -N - - - -NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The -secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe -that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. - - Juno drank a cup of nectar, - But the draught did not affect her. - Juno drank a cup of rye -- - Then she bad herself good-bye. - -J.G. - - -NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political -problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to -build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, -appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. - -NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who -does all he knows how to make us disobedient. - -NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of -the party. - -NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented -by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but -was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so -far as to be able to say when. - -NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but -Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. - -NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable -annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to -understand it. - -NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious -to incur social distinction and suffer high life. - -NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief -product and authenticating sign of civilization. - -NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To -put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting -of the opposition. - -NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of -private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public -office. - -NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. - -NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent -dictionary. - -NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that -great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the -age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed -that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of -others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that -the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - - There's a man with a Nose, - And wherever he goes - The people run from him and shout: - "No cotton have we - For our ears if so be - He blow that interminous snout!" - - So the lawyers applied - For injunction. "Denied," - Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, - Whate'er it portend, - Appears to transcend - The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." - -Arpad Singiny - - -NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The -kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A -Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending -and descending. - -NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which -merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is -a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of -reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and -exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the -endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah -(therefore) for the noumenon! - -NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the -same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is -too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its -successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, -totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read -all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. -To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its -distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal -actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category -of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to -mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; -and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, -imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it -was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace -to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale. - -NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - - - -O - - - -OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the -conscience by a penalty for perjury. - -OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from -struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. -Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet -their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory -without an alarm clock. - -OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses -of their predecessors. - -OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and -other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. -Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for -every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently -seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally -driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the -peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a -woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a -hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap -higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in -Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the -soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The -soldier, unfortunately, did not. - -OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. -A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter -an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a -good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good -enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward -"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as -anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete -and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and -sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the -vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a -competent reader. - -OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the -splendor and stress of our advocacy. - The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most -intelligent animal. - -OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, -however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase -"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such -as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict -us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no -reference to irregular recurrence. - -OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the -Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of -the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, -which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are -the principal industries of the Orient. - -OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made -for man -- who has no gills. - -OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as -the advance of an army against its enemy. - "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should -say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't -come out of his works!" - -OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with -general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time -and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. - - "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. - "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." - Nature herself approves the Goby rule - And gives us every moment a fresh fool. - -Harley Shum - - -OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. - Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as -"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever -afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the -vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies -have only to find it. - -OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by -gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and -mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his -appetite. - - His name the smirking tourist scrawls - Upon Minerva's temple walls, - Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, - And marks his appetite's abuse. - -Averil Joop - - -OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. - -ONCE, adv. Enough. - -OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose -inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no -postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word -_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for -his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape -that howls. - - The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; - The opera performer apes and ape. - -OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into -the jail yard. - -OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. - -OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. - - How lonely he who thinks to vex - With bandinage the Solemn Sex! - Of levity, Mere Man, beware; - None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. - -Percy P. Orminder - - -OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from -running amuck by hamstringing it. - The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of -government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members -of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of -these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister -carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. -Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. -Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that -if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their -heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. - "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions -cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." - "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is -true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all -is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." - So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition -embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and -nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the -nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was -defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to -their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put -to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, -and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished -from Ghargaroo. - -OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, -including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and -everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by -those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and -is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a -blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an -intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is -hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - -OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. - A pessimist applied to God for relief. - "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that -would justify them." - "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked -something -- the mortality of the optimist." - -ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the -understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. - -ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of -filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular -eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the -orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of -its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It -is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and -eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or -scullery maid. - -ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. - -ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the -ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every -asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since -the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to -be conceded hereafter. - - A spelling reformer indicted - For fudge was before the court cicted. - The judge said: "Enough -- - His candle we'll snough, - And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." - -OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature -has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have -seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working -pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, -the ostrich does not fly. - -OTHERWISE, adv. No better. - -OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of -intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom -of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal -nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the -doer had when he performed it. - -OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. - -OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no -government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire -poets. - - I climbed to the top of a mountain one day - To see the sun setting in glory, - And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, - Of a perfectly splendid story. - - 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode - Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; - Then the man would carry him miles on the road - Till Neddy was pretty well rested. - - The moon rising solemnly over the crest - Of the hills to the east of my station - Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west - Like a visible new creation. - - And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) - Of an idle young woman who tarried - About a church-door for a look at the bride, - Although 'twas herself that was married. - - To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand - Ideas -- with thought and emotion. - I pity the dunces who don't understand - The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. - -Stromboli Smith - - -OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of -one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A -lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to -signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the -hero of the hour and place. - - "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, - But I thought it uncommonly queer, - That people and critics by him had been led - By the ear. - - The Latin lexicon makes his absurd - Assertion as plain as a peg; - In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. - It means egg. - -Dudley Spink - - -OVEREAT, v. To dine. - - Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, - Well skilled to overeat without distress! - Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, - Shows Man's superiority to Beast. - -John Boop - - -OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries -who want to go fishing. - -OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified -not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of -debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and -liabilities. - -OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the -hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are -sometimes given to the poor. - - - -P - - - -PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical -basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely -mental, caused by the good fortune of another. - -PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and -exposing them to the critic. - Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: -the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between -the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. - -PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great -official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church -is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a -field, or wayside. There is progress. - -PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the -familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed -and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of -invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece -of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. -The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a -considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known -as "benefactions." - -PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's -classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in -"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The -pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very -accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted -plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading -it aloud. - -PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them -have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a -lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the -ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his -pride of distinction. - -PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The -garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of -flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called -"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. - -PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in -contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. - -PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to -the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. - -PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To -add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. - -PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going -abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special -reprobation and outrage. - -PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we -have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the -Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These -two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually -effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow -and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The -Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the -one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential -prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, -beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is -the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They -are one -- the knowledge and the dream. - -PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for -intellectual debility. - -PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. - -PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to -those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. - -PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one -ambitious to illuminate his name. - In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the -last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened -but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two -periods of fighting. - - O, what's the loud uproar assailing - Mine ears without cease? - 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing - The horrors of peace. - - Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- - Would marry it, too. - If only they knew how to do it - 'Twere easy to do. - - They're working by night and by day - On their problem, like moles. - Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, - On their meddlesome souls! - -Ro Amil - - -PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an -automobile. - -PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor -with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. - -PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. - -PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the -actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. - The editor of an English magazine having received a letter -pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed -"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't -agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. - -PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of -Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in -order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they -knew no more of the matter than he. - -PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, -but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous -peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in -preparing it. - -PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an -inglorious success. - - "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, - Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. - "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- - The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" - Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease - Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, - The goal and the rival forgotten alike, - And the long fatigue of the needless hike. - His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew - Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, - He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, - A winner of all that is good in a race. - -Sukker Uffro - - -PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the -observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his -scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - -PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has -trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. - -PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, -following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is -sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always -solemn. - -PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. - -PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." - -PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. - -PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in -art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite -so good as that of a Cheyenne. - -PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. -It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe -with. - -PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs -when well. - -PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by -the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which -is the standard of excellence. - - "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, - "To read the mind's construction in the face." - The physiognomists his portrait scan, - And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! - He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, - So, in his own defence, denied our art." - -Lavatar Shunk - - -PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It -is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the -audience. - -PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus -dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. - -PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome -in three. - - "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- - Taken from Life." If that description's true, - Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. - -Jali Hane - - -PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. - - Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. - -Rev. Dr. Mucker - -(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) - - Cold pie is a detestable - American comestible. - That's why I'm done -- or undone -- - So far from that dear London. - -(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) - - -PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed -resemblance to man. - - The pig is taught by sermons and epistles - To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. - -Judibras - - -PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human -race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is -inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. - -PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers -in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The -Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians --- who are Hogmies. - -PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was -one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms -through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could -personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. - -PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction --- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere -virtues and blameless lives. - -PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. - -PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary -encounter with oneself. - -PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. - -PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable -priority and an honorable subsequence. - -PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom -one has never, never read. - -PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for -admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the -Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is -merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless -objectionableness. - -PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an -accidental result. - -PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular -literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of -a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in -artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a -departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose -of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the -sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. - -PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic -Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a -frost. - -PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and -devour it. - -PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. - -PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. - -PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained -nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a -saturated solution. - -PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. - -PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary -is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he -never exert it. - -PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. - -PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the -pen. - -PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the -decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of -ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the -wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. - -POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In -woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her -conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of -others. - -POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the -Magazines. - -POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to -this lexicographer unknown. - -POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. - -POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. - -POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of -principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the -superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he -mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. -As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being -alive. - -POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with -several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which -has but one. - -POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found -in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an -uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the -power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing -independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he -possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech -of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was -known as "The Matter with Kansas." - -PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of -possession. - - His light estate, if neither he did make it - Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, - Is portable improperly, I take it. - -Worgum Slupsky - - -PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They -are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed -with garlic. - -POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - -POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and -affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, -its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. - -POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a -popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure -competitor. - -POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; -indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find -it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as -thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and -diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all -countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of -substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that -liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be -unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. - -POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The -number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who -suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about -it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues -and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a -prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. - -PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf -of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory -race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily -conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to -have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its -known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and -theologians with a controversy. - -PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in -the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a -Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of -doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has -only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate -those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates -the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the -noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. - -PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. - - Precipitate in all, this sinner - Took action first, and then his dinner. - -Judibras - - -PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to -programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of -foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does -not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other -doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough -to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. -With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a -reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. - -PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. - -PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. - -PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. - -PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the -erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. - An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no -better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. -"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." - It is longer. - -PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. -Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. - - He lived in a period prehistoric, - When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. - Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, - Set down great events in succession and order, - He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous - In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and -a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. - -PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. - -PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government -authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. - -PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the -situation with least harm to the patient. - -PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of -disappointment from the realm of hope. - -PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time -and place. - In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony -if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in -New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he -must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. - -PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable -result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He -presided at the piccolo." - - The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, - Read with a solemn face: - "The music was very uncommonly grand -- - The best that was every provided, - For our townsman Brown presided - At the organ with skill and grace." - The Headliner discontinued to read, - And, spread the paper down - On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: - "Great playing by President Brown." - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American -politics. - -PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- -and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of -their countrymen did not want any of them for President. - - If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater - To have been a simple and undamned spectator. - Behold in me a man of mark and note - Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- - An undiscredited, unhooted gent - Who might, for all we know, be President - By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- - I'm passing with a wide and open ear! - -Jonathan Fomry - - -PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate. - -PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of -conscience in demanding it. - -PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported -by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the -Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies -Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is -commonly dead. - -PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us -that -- - - "Stone walls do not a prison make," - -but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the -moral instructor is no garden of sweets. - -PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his -knapsack and an impediment in his hope. - -PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him -in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. -For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. - Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the -illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and -answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high -promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous -humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No -successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of -_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and -sweetness of his personal character. - -PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly -these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, -with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could -supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of -prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into -favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its -capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of -propulsion. - -PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of -unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to -that of only one. - -PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing -nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. - -PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may -be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the -passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The -object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. - -PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for -future delivery. - -PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually -forbidden. - - Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- - O'er Ceylon blow your breath, - Where every prospect pleases, - Save only that of death. - -Bishop Sheber - - -PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the -person so describing it. - -PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. - -PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in -a cone of critics. - -PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, -especially in politics. The other is Pull. - -PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It -consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its -modern professors have added that. - - - -Q - - - -QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, -and through whom it is ruled when there is not. - -QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly -wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its -modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting -Presence. - -QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the -aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. - - He extracted from his quiver, - Did the controversial Roman, - An argument well fitted - To the question as submitted, - Then addressed it to the liver, - Of the unpersuaded foeman. - -Oglum P. Boomp - - -QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into -the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily -denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name -is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. - - When ignorance from out of our lives can banish - Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. - -Juan Smith - - -QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to -have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United -States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on -Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of -Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. - -QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. -The words erroneously repeated. - - Intent on making his quotation truer, - He sought the page infallible of Brewer, - Then made a solemn vow that we would be - Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! - -Stumpo Gaker - - -QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging -to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about -as many times as it can be got there. - - - -R - - - -RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority -tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred -Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do -nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in -our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") - -RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading -devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to -the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now -held in light popular esteem. - -RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. - - He held at court a rank so high - That other noblemen asked why. - "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack - His skill to scratch the royal back." - -Aramis Jukes - - -RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, -nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. - -RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. - -RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point -out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained -that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and -that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared -after the recipe of a she banker. - -RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. - -RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded -intellect. - -RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. - - "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let - These gamblers take your cash." - "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! - How can you be so rash?" - -Bootle P. Gish - - -RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, -experience and reflection. - -RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. - -RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, -by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to -affirm his worth. - -REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within -which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the -propensity to provide. - - This is a truth, as old as the hills, - That life and experience teach: - The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, - An impediment of his reach. - -G.J. - - -READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it -consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and -humor in slang. - - We know by one's reading - His learning and breeding; - By what draws his laughter - We know his Hereafter. - Read nothing, laugh never -- - The Sphinx was less clever! - -Jupiter Muke - - -RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the -affairs of to-day. - -RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ -that a scientist is a fool with. - -RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get -away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose -the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits -him to make the transit with great expedition. - -RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, -otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings -of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our -earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the -White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of -the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a -brick. - -REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The -charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a -measuring-worm. - -REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain -in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. - -REALLY, adv. Apparently. - -REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army -that is nearest to Congress. - -REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. - -REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. - -REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. -Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. - -REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish -it. - -RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously -known. - -RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for -the purpose of digging up the dead. - -RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. - -RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded -to the player against whom they are loaded. - -RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general -fatigue. - -RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform -and from a soldier by his gait. - - Fresh from the farm or factory or street, - His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, - Were an impressive martial spectacle - Except for two impediments -- his feet. - -Thompson Johnson - - -RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the -parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two. - -REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, -through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The -doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy -religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have -everlasting life in which to try to understand it. - - We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, - And take some special measure for redeeming it; - Though hard indeed the task to get it in - Among the angels any way but teaming it, - Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. - I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: - My method is to crucify the sinner. - -Golgo Brone - - -REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. - Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the -king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of -the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own -naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and -it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. - -RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at -least not on the outside. - -REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. - - The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant - To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." - To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, - Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." - -Habeeb Suleiman - - - Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. - -Theodore Roosevelt - - -REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a -popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. - -REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view -of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the -perils that we shall not again encounter. - -REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to -reformation. - -REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and -Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, -Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently -could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable -expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to -enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was -appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of -early Greece. - -REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand -in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a -rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by -a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of -finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the -refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by -some casuists the refusal assentive. - -REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such -ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of -Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League -of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society -of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; -Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of -the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long -Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the -Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant -Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining -Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of -the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the -Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the -Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of -Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; -Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; -Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the -Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient -Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; -Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of -Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; -the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of -Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; -Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. - -RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the -nature of the Unknowable. - "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. - "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." - "Then why do you not become an atheist?" - "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." - "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." - -RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the -true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the -lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. -Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent -the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable -times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once -escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of -the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three -times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan -in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the -library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was -seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the -diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the -Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. - -RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a -little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable -than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and -inconsiderate hand. - - I touched the harp in every key, - But found no heeding ear; - And then Ithuriel touched me - With a revealing spear. - - Not all my genius, great as 'tis, - Could urge me out of night. - I felt the faint appulse of his, - And leapt into the light! - -W.J. Candleton - - -REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted -from the satisfaction felt in committing it. - -REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a -constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to -offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. - -REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It -is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not -inconsistent with continuity of sin. - - Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, - You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? - How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals - And add you to the woes of other souls. - -Jomater Abemy - - -REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made -the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which -is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the -replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful -than it looks. - -REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it -with a tempest of words. - - "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou - Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" - So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew - Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." - -Barson Maith - - -REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. - -REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House -in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. - -REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal -prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, -whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his -conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are -predestined to salvation. - -REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing -governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to -enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of -public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from -ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. -There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between -the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. - -REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the -winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of -providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. - -RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. - -RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an -advantage for a greater advantage. - - 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed - A true renunciation - Of title, rank and every kind - Of military station -- - Each honorable station. - - By his example fired -- inclined - To noble emulation, - The country humbly was resigned - To Leonard's resignation -- - His Christian resignation. - -Politian Greame - - -RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. - -RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head -and a bank account. - -RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an -inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its -passage to the lungs. - -RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, -to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have -been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of -a disagreeable expectation. - - Altgeld upon his incandescent bed - Lay, an attendant demon at his head. - - "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- - Some respite from the roast, however brief." - - "Remember how on earth I pardoned all - Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." - - "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm - O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. - - "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, - Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. - - "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, - Not even the memory of who you are." - - Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; - Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. - - "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be - As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." - - "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack - You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." - - A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide - While they were turning him on t'other side. - -Joel Spate Woop - - -RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in -his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an -elemental unit of a parade. - - The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- - and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. - -"Chronicles of the Classes" - - -RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness -of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external -coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, -responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is -to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, -incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. - -RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the -shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days -of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. - - Alas, things ain't what we should see - If Eve had let that apple be; - And many a feller which had ought - To set with monarchses of thought, - Or play some rosy little game - With battle-chaps on fields of fame, - Is downed by his unlucky star - And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!" - -"The Sturdy Beggar" - - -RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public -libraries by gift or bequest. - -RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. - -RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of -Law. - -RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon -the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by -evicting them. - In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father -Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the -improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking -exercise: - - What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go - Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? - Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? - 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, - And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at - Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know - That empires are ungrateful; are you certain - Republics are less handy to get hurt in? - -REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields -no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the -American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that -pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their -misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. - -REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed -all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know -nothing. - -REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a -man. - -REVIEW, v.t. - - To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, - Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) - At work upon a book, and so read out of it - The qualities that you have first read into it. - -REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of -misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of -the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the -welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. -Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of -blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by -beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The -French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; -when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are -inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law -and order. - -RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for -precious metals in the pocket of a fool. - -RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. - -RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. -The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been -used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious -writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the -founder of the Fastidiotic School. - -RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular -novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the -conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, -and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp. - -RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property -of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the -luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the -Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid -advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. - -RICHES, n. - - A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in - whom I am well pleased." - -John D. Rockefeller - - - The reward of toil and virtue. - -J.P. Morgan - - - The sayings of many in the hands of one. - -Eugene Debs - - - To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels -that he can add nothing of value. - -RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are -uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who -utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. -Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a -ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone -centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. -What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine -of Infant Respectability? - -RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right -to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have -measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally -believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is -still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the -enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir -Abednego Bink, following: - - By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? - Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? - He surely were as stubborn as a mule - Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour - His uninvited session on the throne, or air - His pride securely in the Presidential chair. - - Whatever is is so by Right Divine; - Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! - It were a wondrous thing if His design - A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! - If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) - Is guilty of contributory negligence. - -RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the -Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some -feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it -into several European countries, but it appears to have been -imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found -in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic -passage from which is here given: - - "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of - mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to - the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and - just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; - and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my - injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be - wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty - to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be - righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, - in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better - disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain." - -RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The -verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually -(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." - -RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. - - The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, - The sound surceases and the sense expires. - Then the domestic dog, to east and west, - Expounds the passions burning in his breast. - The rising moon o'er that enchanted land - Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. - -Mowbray Myles - - -RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent -bystanders. - -R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to -indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, -however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in -pulvis_. - -RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept -or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out -of it. - -RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear -freedom, keeping off the grass. - -ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is -too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. - - All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, - Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. - -Borey the Bald - - -ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. - It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling -companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, -and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once -there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he -was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." - -ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as -They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to -probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance -it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free, -lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as -Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters -and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not -occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes -this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a -lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick -volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black -profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, -for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it -remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we -have is "The Thousand and One Nights." - -ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they -too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's -whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex -electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is -rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. - -ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In -America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically -expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. - -ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English -civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, -whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other -points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the -fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because -the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair -grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly -barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal -neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. -Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the -fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this -day beneath the snows of British civility. - -RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, -literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions -lying due south from Boreaplas. - -RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the -virtue of maids. - -RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total -abstainers. - -RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. - - Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, - By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, - O serviceable Rumor, let me wield - Against my enemy no other blade. - His be the terror of a foe unseen, - His the inutile hand upon the hilt, - And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, - Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. - So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, - Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, - And nurse my valor for another foe. - -Joel Buxter - - -RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A -Tartar Emetic. - - - -S - - - -SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God -made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the -Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this -is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy -neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient -that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early -Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of -the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious -jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is -reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water -version of the Fourth Commandment: - - Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, - And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. - - Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the -captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine -ordinance. - -SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a -priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge -that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the -Neo-Dictionarians. - -SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of -authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, -but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can -afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller -sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will -indubitable be damned. - -SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine -character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama -of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the -Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; -the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. - - All things are either sacred or profane. - The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; - The latter to the devil appertain. - -Dumbo Omohundro - - -SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of -Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences -gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the -traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally -bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent -and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon -California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of -solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and -"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably -suggestive. - -SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent -the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the -hoisting apparatus. - - Once I seen a human ruin - In an elevator-well, - And his members was bestrewin' - All the place where he had fell. - - And I says, apostrophisin' - That uncommon woful wreck: - "Your position's so surprisin' - That I tremble for your neck!" - - Then that ruin, smilin' sadly - And impressive, up and spoke: - "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, - For it's been a fortnight broke." - - Then, for further comprehension - Of his attitude, he begs - I will focus my attention - On his various arms and legs -- - - How they all are contumacious; - Where they each, respective, lie; - How one trotter proves ungracious, - T'other one an _alibi_. - - These particulars is mentioned - For to show his dismal state, - Which I wasn't first intentioned - To specifical relate. - - None is worser to be dreaded - That I ever have heard tell - Than the gent's who there was spreaded - In that elevator-well. - - Now this tale is allegoric -- - It is figurative all, - For the well is metaphoric - And the feller didn't fall. - - I opine it isn't moral - For a writer-man to cheat, - And despise to wear a laurel - As was gotten by deceit. - - For 'tis Politics intended - By the elevator, mind, - It will boost a person splendid - If his talent is the kind. - - Col. Bryan had the talent - (For the busted man is him) - And it shot him up right gallant - Till his head begun to swim. - - Then the rope it broke above him - And he painful come to earth - Where there's nobody to love him - For his detrimented worth. - - Though he's livin' none would know him, - Or at leastwise not as such. - Moral of this woful poem: - Frequent oil your safety-clutch. - -Porfer Poog - - -SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. - The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old -calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis -de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear -that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate -things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a -perfect gentleman, though a fool." - -SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in -popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, -who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are -occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked -harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are -tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. - -SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an -anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now -believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account -having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it -with a bucket of holy water. - -SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a -certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of -devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern -obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. - -SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in -sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made -himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from -Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a -moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like -to ask," said he. - "Name it." - "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." - "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn -of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make -his laws?" - "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them -himself." - It was so ordered. - -SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten -its contents, madam. - -SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the -vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with -imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a -sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we -are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all -humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans -are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not -generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the -satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever -victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. - - Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung - In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, - For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- - Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. - Had it been such as consecrates the Bible - Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. - -Barney Stims - - -SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded -recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at -first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose -allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and -improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a -later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and -more like a goat. - -SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. -A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one -sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented -and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. - -SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and -colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. -Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. - - A penny saved is a penny to squander. - - A man is known by the company that he organizes. - A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. - - A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. - - Better late than before anybody has invited you. - - Example is better than following it. - - Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. - - Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. - - What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. - - Least said is soonest disavowed. - - He laughs best who laughs least. - - Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. - - Of two evils choose to be the least. - - Strike while your employer has a big contract. - - Where there's a will there's a won't. - -SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to -our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, -the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit -of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it -to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal -reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior -beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. - -SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. - - He fell by his own hand - Beneath the great oak tree. - He'd traveled in a foreign land. - He tried to make her understand - The dance that's called the Saraband, - But he called it Scarabee. - He had called it so through an afternoon, - And she, the light of his harem if so might be, - Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, - All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- - Dead for a Scarabee - And a recollection that came too late. - O Fate! - They buried him where he lay, - He sleeps awaiting the Day, - In state, - And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, - Gloom over the grave and then move on. - Dead for a Scarabee! - Fernando Tapple - -SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. -The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot -iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent -spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, -with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. -The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to -yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is -conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of -grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a -penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. - -SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his -authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign -admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the -bones of their proponents. - -SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of -which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the -incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated -from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth -century. - - When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to - decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after - the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his - Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man - who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! - "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged - monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and - have your head struck off by the public executioner at three - o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" - "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the - condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is - a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and - vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I - ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The - executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously - whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, - strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a - favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable - and treasonous head." - "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled - caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. - "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I - know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." - "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an - attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the - Presence. - "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" - roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck - that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" - "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, - unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." - Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted - like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung - violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered - peacefully to the close, without incident. - All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as - white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled - and his breath came in gasps of terror. - "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a - ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly - because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it - through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." - So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and - advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. - -SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many -persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing -whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to -collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, -by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: - - Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast - You keep a record true - Of every kind of peppered roast - That's made of you; - - Wherein you paste the printed gibes - That revel round your name, - Thinking the laughter of the scribes - Attests your fame; - - Where all the pictures you arrange - That comic pencils trace -- - Your funny figure and your strange - Semitic face -- - - Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, - Nor art, but there I'll list - The daily drubbings you'd have got - Had God a fist. - -SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to -one's own. - -SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as -distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other -faiths are based. - -SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest -their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, -and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, -in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing -important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical -efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the -British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a -sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other -devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in -many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are -appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless -custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote -utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense -evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our -word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the -learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence -of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were -formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will -serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., -commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum -sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used --- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the -beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested -as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take -their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. - -SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of -environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are -more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with -small, cut stones. - - The devil casting a seine of lace, - (With precious stones 'twas weighted) - Drew it into the landing place - And its contents calculated. - - All souls of women were in that sack -- - A draft miraculous, precious! - But ere he could throw it across his back - They'd all escaped through the meshes. - -Baruch de Loppis - - -SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. - -SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. - -SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. - -SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and -misdemeanors. - -SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, -creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. -Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding -chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a -synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read -_them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. - The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly -paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to -us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the -installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world -without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday -morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he -found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His -collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship -and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. - -SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held -individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are -believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the -lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could -not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. - - Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind - Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; - Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- - His small belongings their appointed prey; - Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, - Persuaded elsewhere every little while! - His fire unquenched and his undying worm - By "land in severalty" (charming term!) - Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, - And he to his new holding anchored fast! - -SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose -most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern -States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. - - John Elmer Pettibone Cajee - (I write of him with little glee) - Was just as bad as he could be. - - 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! - The sun has never looked upon - So bad a man as Neighbor John." - - A sinner through and through, he had - This added fault: it made him mad - To know another man was bad. - - In such a case he thought it right - To rise at any hour of night - And quench that wicked person's light. - - Despite the town's entreaties, he - Would hale him to the nearest tree - And leave him swinging wide and free. - - Or sometimes, if the humor came, - A luckless wight's reluctant frame - Was given to the cheerful flame. - - While it was turning nice and brown, - All unconcerned John met the frown - Of that austere and righteous town. - - "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he - So scornful of the law should be -- - An anar c, h, i, s, t." - - (That is the way that they preferred - To utter the abhorrent word, - So strong the aversion that it stirred.) - - "Resolved," they said, continuing, - "That Badman John must cease this thing - Of having his unlawful fling. - - "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here - Each man had out a souvenir - Got at a lynching yesteryear -- - - "By these we swear he shall forsake - His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache - By sins of rope and torch and stake. - - "We'll tie his red right hand until - He'll have small freedom to fulfil - The mandates of his lawless will." - - So, in convention then and there, - They named him Sheriff. The affair - Was opened, it is said, with prayer. - -J. Milton Sloluck - - -SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt -to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any -lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing -performance. - -SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) -with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue -what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in -accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of -setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. - -SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is -used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer -who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" -it is seen at its best: - - The wheels go round without a sound -- - The maidens hold high revel; - In sinful mood, insanely gay, - True spinsters spin adown the way - From duty to the devil! - They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! - Their bells go all the morning; - Their lanterns bright bestar the night - Pedestrians a-warning. - With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, - Good-Lording and O-mying, - Her rheumatism forgotten quite, - Her fat with anger frying. - She blocks the path that leads to wrath, - Jack Satan's power defying. - The wheels go round without a sound - The lights burn red and blue and green. - What's this that's found upon the ground? - Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! - -John William Yope - - -SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished -from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is -that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began -by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men -ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of -words. - - His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, - And drags his sophistry to light of day; - Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort - To falsehood of so desperate a sort. - Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, - He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. - -Polydore Smith - - -SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political -influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was -punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor -peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to -compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the -suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his -tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing -it. - -SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave -disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of -existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of -eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became -philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had -least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and -despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- -browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was -not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted -against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. - "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of -_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than -that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath -her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret -a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men -most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' --- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him -to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and -majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach -are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who -nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that -its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of -the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. -This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek -of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according -to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse -clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the -public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which -firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, -anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles -shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, -and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and -richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, -though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His -Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly -revere) will assent to its dissemination." - -SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with -supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of -the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, -who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and -mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror -that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells -ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another -township. - -STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories -here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. - - One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated -at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. - "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, -is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its -authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the -Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" - "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did -not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who -wrote it." - - Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was -addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a -stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back -and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be -haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had -been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is -putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' -nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the -loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their -courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. - "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as -this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And -you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" - "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal -cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am -afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and -I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." - Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were -standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the -question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the -middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that -band before. Santlemann's, I think." - "I don't hear any band," said Schley. - "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General -Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in -the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions -pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." - While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy -General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. -When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two -observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its -effulgence -- - "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. - "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys -one-half so well." - - The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile -from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town -on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a -street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of -teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a -dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, -said: - "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. -He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him." - "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate -smoker." - The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that -it was not right. - He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a -stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had -put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted -to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule -loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another -man entered the saloon. - "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that -mule, barkeeper: it smells." - "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in -Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." - In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, -apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. -The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the -body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much -of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that -night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the -misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon -emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook -it, and passed the night in town. - - General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a -pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but -imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the -General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is -named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing -his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. - "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, -"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat -on!" - Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the -manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned -with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an -empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably -entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful -progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: - "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you -about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" - General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. - "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking -of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room -fifteen minutes." - -SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In -literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are -exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines -by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious -reason, "John A. Joyce." - - The bard who would prosper must carry a book, - Do his thinking in prose and wear - A crimson cravat, a far-away look - And a head of hexameter hair. - Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; - If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. - -SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right -of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, -as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another -man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name -of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned -for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is -himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he -profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater -weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a -woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female -responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to -jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back -into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. - -SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he -may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an -editor. - - As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased - To fix itself upon a part diseased - Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, - It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, - So the base sycophant with joy descries - His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, - Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, - Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. - Gelasma, if it paid you to devote - Your talent to the service of a goat, - Showing by forceful logic that its beard - Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; - If to the task of honoring its smell - Profit had prompted you, and love as well, - The world would benefit at last by you - And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- - Your favor for a moment's space denied - And to the nobler object turned aside. - Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires - Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, - Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly - To safer villainies of darker dye, - Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, - To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread - May see you groveling their boots to lick - And begging for the favor of a kick? - Still must you follow to the bitter end - Your sycophantic disposition's trend, - And in your eagerness to please the rich - Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? - In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, - And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! - What's Satan done that him you should eschew? - He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_. - -SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor -assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) - -SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when -the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory -smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were -allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, -in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of -the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they -had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the -chicks having ever been seen. - -SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for -something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which -having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have -inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on -memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the -dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that -conceals our helplessness. - -SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation -of symbols. - - They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; - I hold that that's the stomach's function, - For of the sinner I have noted - That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, - Or ill some other ghastly fashion - Within that bowel of compassion. - True, I believe the only sinner - Is he that eats a shabby dinner. - You know how Adam with good reason, - For eating apples out of season, - Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: - The truth is, Adam had the colic. - -G.J. - - - - -T - - - -T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks -absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the -form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone -(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified -_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." - -TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal -passion for irresponsibility. - - Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, - Took Madam P. to table, - And there deliriously fed - As fast as he was able. - - "I dote upon good grub," he cried, - Intent upon its throatage. - "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, - "You're in your _table d'hotage_." - -Associated Poets - - -TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its -natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of -its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a -privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness -by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a -marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail -should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable -in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong -and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now -generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually -susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan -past. - -TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. - -TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an -impulse without purpose. - -TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the -domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - - The Enemy of Human Souls - Sat grieving at the cost of coals; - For Hell had been annexed of late, - And was a sovereign Southern State. - - "It were no more than right," said he, - "That I should get my fuel free. - The duty, neither just nor wise, - Compels me to economize -- - Whereby my broilers, every one, - Are execrably underdone. - What would they have? -- although I yearn - To do them nicely to a turn, - I can't afford an honest heat. - This tariff makes even devils cheat! - I'm ruined, and my humble trade - All rascals may at will invade: - Beneath my nose the public press - Outdoes me in sulphureousness; - The bar ingeniously applies - To my undoing my own lies; - My medicines the doctors use - (Albeit vainly) to refuse - To me my fair and rightful prey - And keep their own in shape to pay; - The preachers by example teach - What, scorning to perform, I teach; - And statesmen, aping me, all make - More promises than they can break. - Against such competition I - Lift up a disregarded cry. - Since all ignore my just complaint, - By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" - Now, the Republicans, who all - Are saints, began at once to bawl - Against _his_ competition; so - There was a devil of a go! - They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete - In acrimonious debate, - Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, - Had hopes of coming by their own. - That evil to avert, in haste - The two belligerents embraced; - But since 'twere wicked to relax - A tittle of the Sacred Tax, - 'Twas finally agreed to grant - The bold Insurgent-protestant - A bounty on each soul that fell - Into his ineffectual Hell. - -Edam Smith - - -TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for -slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words -were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook -upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and -the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted -by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words -did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, -that being only an inference. - -TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many -fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an -authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious -source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum -Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something -that saddens. - -TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, -sometimes tolerably totally. - -TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the -advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that -of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us -with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a -bell summoning us to the sacrifice. - -TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to -the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand -of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in -politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a -Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to -his accounting: - - Of such tenacity his grip - That nothing from his hand can slip. - Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm - In tubs of liquid slippery-elm - In vain -- from his detaining pinch - They cannot struggle half an inch! - 'Tis lucky that he so is planned - That breath he draws not with his hand, - For if he did, so great his greed - He'd draw his last with eager speed. - Nay, that were well, you say. Not so - He'd draw but never let it go! - -THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion -and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with -the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this -earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough -for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime -does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to -wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; -and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that -everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. -Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem -neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and -fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had -no cat. - -TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the -general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. -Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss -Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as -to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of -ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that -nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory -was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the -conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as -to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! -It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's -aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what -was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that -sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of -exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost -arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts -themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there -is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its -hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the -stage. - -TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent -invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long -tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, -the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be -innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the -soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally -accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has -been greatly dignified. - -TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. -In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping -nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted -against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down -like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- -eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two -hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan -race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the -temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the -Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in -every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations -that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too -righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the -canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially -augmented the nation's military power. - -TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for -the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: - - -TO MY PET TORTOISE - - - My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; - Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. - - Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's - To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. - - As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. - 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. - - No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, - A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone. - - Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) - Are virtues that the great know how to use -- - - I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, - You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul. - - So, to be candid, unreserved and true, - I'd rather you were I than I were you. - - Perhaps, however, in a time to be, - When Man's extinct, a better world may see - - Your progeny in power and control, - Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. - - So I salute you as a reptile grand - Predestined to regenerate the land. - - Father of Possibilities, O deign - To accept the homage of a dying reign! - - In the far region of the unforeknown - I dream a tortoise upon every throne. - - I see an Emperor his head withdraw - Into his carapace for fear of Law; - - A King who carries something else than fat, - Howe'er acceptably he carries that; - - A President not strenuously bent - On punishment of audible dissent -- - - Who never shot (it were a vain attack) - An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; - - Subject and citizens that feel no need - To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; - - All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, - And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. - - O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, - My glorious testudinous regime! - - I wish in Eden you'd brought this about - By slouching in and chasing Adam out. - -TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal -apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear -only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the -tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor -in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit -(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the -public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general -welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no -discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the -lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following -passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: - - While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof - I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in - it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as - followeth: - "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall - see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye - King his Majesty." - And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr - tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. - -_Trauvells in ye Easte_ - - -TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the -blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to -effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person -of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If -the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo -such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable -sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the -accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval -times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A -beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly -arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public -executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards -were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after -testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in -contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, -where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a -street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the -viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and -punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, -but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates -from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, -dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their -conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches -infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, -instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some -of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This -was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to -leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of -incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this -_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved -the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable -jurisdiction. - -TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. - Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian -physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as -trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need and -immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork -every other day." - "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to -touch it!" - "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. - "I swear it!" - "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you." - -TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, -three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate -deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not -dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually -their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the -most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because -it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of -theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not -understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that -contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the -former as a part of the latter. - -TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic -period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of -troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony -consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was -in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the -Socialists of Judah. - -TRUCE, n. Friendship. - -TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. -Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the -most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of -existing with increasing activity to the end of time. - -TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. - -TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in -greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in -the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors -and public enemies. - -TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious -anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and -gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. - -TWICE, adv. Once too often. - -TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying -civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this -incomparable dictionary. - -TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) -whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy -for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American -novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). - - - -U - - - -UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, -but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an -attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important -distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the -mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain -Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were -known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, -for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that -sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In -recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by -Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two -places at once unless he is a bird. - -UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue -without humility. - -ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to -concessions. - Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry -met to consider it. - "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk -to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable -soldiers have we in arms?" - "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining -his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" - "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts -of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious -Navy. - "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they -are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars -of Heaven!" - For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial -Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was -calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the -die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he -advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." - -UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. - -UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction -consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of -the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite -had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was -discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other -could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: -"Then I'll be damned if I die!" - "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." - -UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to -know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and -laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and -Kant, who lived in a horse. - - His understanding was so keen - That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, - He could interpret without fail - If he was in or out of jail. - He wrote at Inspiration's call - Deep disquisitions on them all, - Then, pent at last in an asylum, - Performed the service to compile 'em. - So great a writer, all men swore, - They never had not read before. - -Jorrock Wormley - - -UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. - -UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons -of another faith. - -URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to -dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is -heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with -disregard of the rights of others. - - The owner of a powder mill - Was musing on a distant hill -- - Something his mind foreboded -- - When from the cloudless sky there fell - A deviled human kidney! Well, - The man's mill had exploded. - His hat he lifted from his head; - "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; - "I didn't know 'twas loaded." - -Swatkin - - -USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and -Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent -reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to -produce books that will live as long as the fashion. - -UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own -wife. - - - -V - - - -VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's -hope. - "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and -Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." - "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am -persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring -them into collision with the enemy." - -VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. - - They say that hens do cackle loudest when - There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; - And there are hens, professing to have made - A study of mankind, who say that men - Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen - Make the most clamorous fanfaronade - O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid - They're not entirely different from the hen. - Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, - His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- - Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, - Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! - Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue - Is that in battle he will never hurt you? - -Hannibal Hunsiker - - -VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. - -VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as -suffer from an impediment in their wit. - -VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a -fool of himself and a wreck of his country. - - - -W - - - -W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only -cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This -advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued -after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like -_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other -agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been -concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise -of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that -by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our -civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. - -WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That -Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every -unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and -good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. - - Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call - To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" - Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; - Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, - Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, - Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: - Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- - Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! - While still you're possessed of a single baubee - (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) - 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance - Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. - For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, - Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! - -Anonymus Bink - - -WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing -political condition is a period of international amity. The student -of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly -boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare -for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, -not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the -one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly -sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination -and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure -dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in -Xanadu -- that he - - heard from afar - Ancestral voices prophesying war. - - One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of -men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us -have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of -that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to -come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide -the night. - -WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of -governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to -him it should be said that he did not want to. - - They took away his vote and gave instead - The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. - In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, - To come again and part him from his roll. - -Offenbach Stutz - - -WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she -holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the -service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. - -WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of -conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have -inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal -ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather -bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments -are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. - - Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, - And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- - Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, - With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. - While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, - From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. - He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote - On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote -- - For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: - "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." - -Halcyon Jones - - -WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, -one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become -supportable. - -WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All -werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to -gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as -humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. - Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it -to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was -there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told -them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its -human for during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the -good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning -you will find a Lutheran." - -WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected -affliction that strikes hard. - - Should you ask me whence this laughter, - Whence this audible big-smiling, - With its labial extension, - With its maxillar distortion - And its diaphragmic rhythmus - Like the billowing of an ocean, - Like the shaking of a carpet, - I should answer, I should tell you: - From the great deeps of the spirit, - From the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soul this laughter welleth - As the fountain, the gug-guggle, - Like the river from the canon [sic], - To entoken and give warning - That my present mood is sunny. - Should you ask me further question -- - Why the great deeps of the spirit, - Why the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soule extrudes this laughter, - This all audible big-smiling, - I should answer, I should tell you - With a white heart, tumpitumpy, - With a true tongue, honest Injun: - William Bryan, he has Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - - Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, - Standing silent in the kneedeep - With his wing-tips crossed behind him - And his neck close-reefed before him, - With his bill, his william, buried - In the down upon his bosom, - With his head retracted inly, - While his shoulders overlook it? - Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Shiver grayly in the north wind, - Wishing he had died when little, - As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? - No 'tis not the Shankank standing, - Standing in the gray and dismal - Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. - No, 'tis peerless William Bryan - Realizing that he's Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - -WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some -difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are -said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other -people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff -palatable. - -WHITE, adj. and n. Black. - -WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to -take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one -of the most marked features of his character. - -WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union -as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift -to man. - -WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his -intellectual cookery by leaving it out. - -WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league -with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in -wickedness a league beyond the devil. - -WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom -noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." - -WOMAN, n. - - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a - rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by - many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility - acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the - postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, - deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, - it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all - beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from - Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular - name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. - The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the - American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be - taught not to talk. - -Balthasar Pober - - -WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw -material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the -Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that -houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work -in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for -himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by -contrast the foreknown futility. - - Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! - How profitless the labor you bestow - Upon a dwelling whose magnificence - The tenant neither can admire nor know. - - Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, - The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan - By shouldering asunder all the stones - In what to you would be a moment's span. - - Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies - That when your marble is all dust, arise, - If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn -- - You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. - - What though of all man's works your tomb alone - Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? - Would it advantage you to dwell therein - Forever as a stain upon a stone? - -Joel Huck - - -WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and -fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an -element of pride. - -WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to -exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," -"the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was -deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for -its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks -before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the -frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of -Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor -roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred -the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom -paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of -the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. - - - -X - - - -X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility -to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will -doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten -dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, -as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the -corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name --- _Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. -Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of -psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are -Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. - - - -Y - - - -YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our -Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. -(See DAMNYANK.) - -YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - -YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire -past of age. - But yesterday I should have thought me blest - To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak - Of middle life and look adown the bleak - And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, - Where solemn shadows all the land invest - And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak - Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak - The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. - Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame - To stay the shadow on the dial's face - At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name - I chide aloud the little interspace - Disparting me from Certitude, and fain - Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. - -Baruch Arnegriff - - - It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was -attended at different times by seven doctors. - -YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe -one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that -defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. -A thousand apologies for withholding it. - -YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, -Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of -endowing a living Homer. - - Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth - again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with - whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and - cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never - is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, - howling, is cast into Baltimost! - -Polydore Smith - - - - -Z - - - -ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with -ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the -ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters -of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as -we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an -example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another -excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the -rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the -devil. - -ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the -eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best -known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that -occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied -a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to -the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated -remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city -persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down -to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair -of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge -of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. -Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great -nations, she was the Sultana. - -ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and -inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. - - When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward - He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" - "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. - "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." - -Jum Coople - - -ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man -standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot -is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the -matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some -holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were -called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The -Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the -philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an -assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a -severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to -determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the -heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the -Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever -opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its -place among _fides defuncti_. - -ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter -and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers -who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to -have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought -that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his -monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives -are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he -worships under many sacred names. - -ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one -carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an -Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) - - He zedjagged so uncomen wyde - Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; - So, to com saufly thruh, I been - Constreynet for to doodge betwene. - -Munwele - - -ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including -its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology -was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother -has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious -expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we -learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated -Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. - - - - - -End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Devil's Dictionary by Bierce - diff --git a/old/dvldc10.zip b/old/dvldc10.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 8ea2e88..0000000 --- a/old/dvldc10.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/old-2024-02-08/972-0.txt b/old/old-2024-02-08/972-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 96688ec..0000000 --- a/old/old-2024-02-08/972-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9514 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: The Devil’s Dictionary - -Author: Ambrose Bierce - -Release Date: July, 1997 [eBook #972] -[Most recently updated: June 27, 2021] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Aloysius and David Widger - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY *** - - - - -THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY - -by Ambrose Bierce - - - - -AUTHOR'S PREFACE - -_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was -continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that -year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The -Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to -reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the -present work: - -"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by -the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the -work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out -in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a -score of 'cynic' books--_The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and -_The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though -some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they -brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing -it was discredited in advance of publication." - -Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country -had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, -and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had -become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is -made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial -of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely -resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to -whom the work is addressed--enlightened souls who prefer dry wines -to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. - -A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book -is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of -whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, -S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly -encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly -indebted. - -A.B. - - - - -A - - -ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence -of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when -addressing an employer. - -ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside -from molesting the rubbish inside. - -ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the -high temperature of the throne. - - Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication - Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. - For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: - She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. - To History she'll be no royal riddle-- - Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. - -G.J. - - -ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with -sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient -faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at -the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence -for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a -free hand in the world's marketing the race would become -graminivorous. - -ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of -the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the -last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high -degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is -rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. - -ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and -conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be -detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the -straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. -Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and -the hope of Hell. - -ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a -newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. - -ABRACADABRA. - - By _Abracadabra_ we signify - An infinite number of things. - 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? - And Whence? and Whither?--a word whereby - The Truth (with the comfort it brings) - Is open to all who grope in night, - Crying for Wisdom's holy light. - - Whether the word is a verb or a noun - Is knowledge beyond my reach. - I only know that 'tis handed down. - From sage to sage, - From age to age-- - An immortal part of speech! - - Of an ancient man the tale is told - That he lived to be ten centuries old, - In a cave on a mountain side. - (True, he finally died.) - The fame of his wisdom filled the land, - For his head was bald, and you'll understand - His beard was long and white - And his eyes uncommonly bright. - - Philosophers gathered from far and near - To sit at his feet and hear and hear, - Though he never was heard - To utter a word - But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, - _Abracada, abracad_, - _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" - 'Twas all he had, - 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each - Made copious notes of the mystical speech, - Which they published next-- - A trickle of text - In a meadow of commentary. - Mighty big books were these, - In number, as leaves of trees; - In learning, remarkable--very! - - He's dead, - As I said, - And the books of the sages have perished, - But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. - In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, - Like an ancient bell that forever swings. - O, I love to hear - That word make clear - Humanity's General Sense of Things. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. - - When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for - people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of - mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel - them to the separation. - -Oliver Cromwell - - -ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- -shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most -affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another -author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." - -ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the -property of another. - - Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; - The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - -Phela Orm - - -ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; -hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection -of another. - - To men a man is but a mind. Who cares - What face he carries or what form he wears? - But woman's body is the woman. O, - Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, - But heed the warning words the sage hath said: - A woman absent is a woman dead. - -Jogo Tyree - - -ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to -remove himself from the sphere of exaction. - -ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is -one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases -the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them -having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's -power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, -which are governed by chance. - -ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying -himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from -everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the -affairs of others. - - Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought - You a total abstainer, my son." - "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught-- - "But not, sir, a bigoted one." - -G.J. - - -ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with -one's own opinion. - -ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were -taught. - -ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is -taught. - -ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable -natural laws. - -ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty -knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, -knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the -matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one -having offered them a fee for assenting. - -ACCORD, n. Harmony. - -ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an -assassin. - -ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. - - "My accountability, bear in mind," - Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," - Said the Shah: "I do--'tis the only kind - Of ability you possess." - -Joram Tate - - -ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a -justification of ourselves for having wronged him. - -ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who -absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar -had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de -Joinville. - -ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. - -ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's -faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. - -ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, -but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight -when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or -famous. - -ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. - -ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. - -ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in -solicitate of gold. - -ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding -funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. - -ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects -to get. - -ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to -receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of -straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. - -ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the -figure-head does the thinking. - -ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to -ourselves. - -ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. - - Consigned by way of admonition, - His soul forever to perdition. - -Judibras - - -ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. - -ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. - - "The man was in such deep distress," - Said Tom, "that I could do no less - Than give him good advice." Said Jim: - "If less could have been done for him - I know you well enough, my son, - To know that's what you would have done." - -Jebel Jocordy - - -AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. - -AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for -another and bitter world. - -AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. - -AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that -we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the -enterprise to commit. - -AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors ---to dislodge the worms. - -AIM, n. - - The task we set our wishes to. - "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" - She tenderly inquired. - "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; - The fact is--I have fired." - -G.J. - - -AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for -the fattening of the poor. - -ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving -with a pretence of open marauding. - -ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. - -ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the -Christian, Jewish, and so forth. - - Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, - And ever for the sins of man have wept; - And sometimes kneeling in the temple I - Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. - -Junker Barlow - - -ALLEGIANCE, n. - - This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, - Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, - Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed - To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. - -G.J. - - -ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who -have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they -cannot separately plunder a third. - -ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to -the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus -says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces -crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the -other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a -sawrian. - -ALONE, adj. In bad company. - - In contact, lo! the flint and steel, - By spark and flame, the thought reveal - That he the metal, she the stone, - Had cherished secretly alone. - -Booley Fito - - -ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the -small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination -and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, -except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a -male and a female tool. - - They stood before the altar and supplied - The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. - In vain the sacrifice!--no god will claim - An offering burnt with an unholy flame. - -M.P. Nopput - - -AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket -or a left. - -AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while -living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would -be too expensive to punish. - -ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already -sufficiently slippery. - - As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, - So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. - -Judibras - - -ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. - -APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. - - The flabby wine-skin of his brain - Yields to some pathologic strain, - And voids from its unstored abysm - The driblet of an aphorism. - -"The Mad Philosopher," 1697 - - -APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. - -APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle -only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient -to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. - -APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor -and grave worm's provider. - - When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, - And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, - That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth - Disease for the apothecary's health, - Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: - "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" - -G.J. - - -APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. - -APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a -solution to the labor question. - -APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. - -APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. - -ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a -bishop. - - If I were a jolly archbishop, - On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up-- - Salmon and flounders and smelts; - On other days everything else. - -Jodo Rem - - -ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft -of your money. - -ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. - -ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman -wrestles with his record. - -ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word -is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy -hats and clean shirts--guilty of education and suspected of bank -accounts. - -ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a -blacksmith. - -ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter -hanged to a lamppost. - -ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. - - God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. - -_The Unauthorized Version_ - - -ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom -it greatly affects in turn. - - "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," - Consenting, he did speak up; - "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, - Than put it in my teacup." - -Joel Huck - - -ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as -follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. - - One day a wag--what would the wretch be at?-- - Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, - And said it was a god's name! Straight arose - Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, - And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, - And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) - To serve his temple and maintain the fires, - Expound the law, manipulate the wires. - Amazed, the populace that rites attend, - Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, - And, inly edified to learn that two - Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) - Have sweeter values and a grace more fit - Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, - Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, - And sell their garments to support the priests. - -ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by -long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased -to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. - -ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which -one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. - -ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia -City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, -and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously -celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and -country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this -noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. -II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a -god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we -may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two -animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of -men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers -the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written -about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and -magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which -clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all -literature is more or less Asinine. - - "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; - "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" - Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: - God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" - -G.J. - - -AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked -a pocket with his tongue. - -AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and -commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate -dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an -island. - -AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal -regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by -a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have -suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, -has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. - - _Facilis descensus Averni,_ - The poet remarks; and the sense - Of it is that when down-hill I turn I - Will get more of punches than pence. - -Jehal Dai Lupe - - - - -B - - -BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. -As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had -the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous -account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his -glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word -"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As -Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays -on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, -and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the -priests of Guttledom. - -BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or -condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and -antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. -There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose -adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries -before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being -preserved on a floating lotus leaf. - - Ere babes were invented - The girls were contended. - Now man is tormented - Until to buy babes he has squandered - His money. And so I have pondered - This thing, and thought may be - 'T were better that Baby - The First had been eagled or condored. - -Ro Amil - - -BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse -for getting drunk. - - Is public worship, then, a sin, - That for devotions paid to Bacchus - The lictors dare to run us in, - And resolutely thump and whack us? - -Jorace - - -BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to -contemplate in your adversity. - -BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find -you. - -BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The -best kind is beauty. - -BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself -in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is -performed with water in two ways--by immersion, or plunging, and by -aspersion, or sprinkling. - - But whether the plan of immersion - Is better than simple aspersion - Let those immersed - And those aspersed - Decide by the Authorized Version, - And by matching their agues tertian. - -G.J. - - -BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of -weather we are having. - -BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of -which it is their business to deprive others. - -BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg -of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. -Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator -saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment -for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno -afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing -is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, -but the cocks have stopped laying. - -BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. - -BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, -with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. - - The man who taketh a steam bath - He loseth all the skin he hath, - And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, - Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, - Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling - With dirty vapors of the boiling. - -Richard Gwow - - -BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot -that would not yield to the tongue. - -BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly -execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. - -BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a -husband. - -BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. - -BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the -belief that it will not be given. - - Who is that, father? - A mendicant, child, - Haggard, morose, and unaffable--wild! - See how he glares through the bars of his cell! - With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. - - Why did they put him there, father? - - Because - Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. - - His belly? - - Oh, well, he was starving, my boy-- - A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. - No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry - Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" - - What's the matter with pie? - - With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; - To beg was unlawful--improper as well. - - Why didn't he work? - - He would even have done that, - But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" - I mention these incidents merely to show - That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. - Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, - But for trifles-- - - Pray what did bad Mendicant do? - - Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack - And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. - - Is that _all_ father dear? - - There's little to tell: - They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to--well, - The company's better than here we can boast, - And there's-- - - Bread for the needy, dear father? - - Um--toast. - -Atka Mip - - -BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. - -BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by -breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach -Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: - - Recordare, Jesu pie, - Quod sum causa tuae viae. - Ne me perdas illa die. - - Pray remember, sacred Savior, - Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your - Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. - -BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly -poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two -tongues. - -BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. - - She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be - A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. - "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she-- - "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." - -"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) - - -BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, -however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the -means of all. - -BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor -of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. - - Her locks an ancient lady gave - Her loving husband's life to save; - And men--they honored so the dame-- - Upon some stars bestowed her name. - - But to our modern married fair, - Who'd give their lords to save their hair, - No stellar recognition's given. - There are not stars enough in heaven. - -G.J. - - -BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will -adjudge a punishment called trigamy. - -BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion -that you do not entertain. - -BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. - -BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of -it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born -from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block -of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he -grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It -is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a -stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount -Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. - -BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box -of berries in a market--the fine ones on top--have been opened on -the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. - -BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters--the most difficult -kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much -affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. - -BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the -young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied -the undertaker. The hyena. - - "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, - I and my comrades, four in all, - When visiting a graveyard stood - Within the shadow of a wall. - - "While waiting for the moon to sink - We saw a wild hyena slink - About a new-made grave, and then - Begin to excavate its brink! - - "Shocked by the horrid act, we made - A sally from our ambuscade, - And, falling on the unholy beast, - Dispatched him with a pick and spade." - -Bettel K. Jhones - - -BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to -become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. - -Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a -dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would -be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give -you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" -inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." - -BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables--those that are not good to -eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, -which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and -ill-smelling. - -BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. - -BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two -nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary -rights of the other. - -BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who -has nothing to get all that he can. - - A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects - every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal - instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His - creatures. - -Henry Ward Beecher - - -BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu -and destroyed by Siva--a rather neater division of labor than is -found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, -for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by -Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy -and learned men who are never naughty. - - O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, - First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, - You sit there so calm and securely, - With feet folded up so demurely-- - You're the First Person Singular, surely. - -Polydore Smith - - -BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which -distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man -who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has -been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of -brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our -civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so -highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of -office. - -BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one -part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the -grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. -Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero -will venture to drink it. - -BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - -BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. - - - - -C - - -CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the -patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps -asked the archangel for bread. - -CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and -wise as a man's head. - -The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending -the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire -consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the -cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of -state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that -several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his -murmuring subjects were appeased. - -CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder -that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities -are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to -others. - -CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils -afflicting another. - -When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was -observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you -weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great -Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." - -CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. - -CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to -the show business. There are two kinds of camels--the camel proper -and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. - -CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple -tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. - -CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national -boundaries. - -CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. - -CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, -the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the -anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the -disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the -justice and expediency of which many worthy persons--including all -the assassins--entertain grave misgivings. - -CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. - - As Death was a-riding out one day, - Across Mount Carmel he took his way, - Where he met a mendicant monk, - Some three or four quarters drunk, - With a holy leer and a pious grin, - Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, - Who held out his hands and cried: - "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. - Give in the name of the Church. O give, - Give that her holy sons may live!" - And Death replied, - Smiling long and wide: - "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee--a ride." - - With a rattle and bang - Of his bones, he sprang - From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; - By the neck and the foot - Seized the fellow, and put - Him astride with his face to the rear. - - The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell - Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: - "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, - Will ride to the devil!"--and _thump_ - Fell the flat of his dart on the rump - Of the charger, which galloped away. - - Faster and faster and faster it flew, - Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew - By the road were dim and blended and blue - To the wild, wild eyes - Of the rider--in size - Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. - Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh - At a burial service spoiled, - And the mourners' intentions foiled - By the body erecting - Its head and objecting - To further proceedings in its behalf. - - Many a year and many a day - Have passed since these events away. - The monk has long been a dusty corse, - And Death has never recovered his horse. - For the friar got hold of its tail, - And steered it within the pale - Of the monastery gray, - Where the beast was stabled and fed - With barley and oil and bread - Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, - And so in due course was appointed Prior. - -G.J. - - -CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous -vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. - -CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author -of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_--whereby he was pleased -to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum -might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_-- -"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an -approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. - -CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be -kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - - This is a dog, - This is a cat. - This is a frog, - This is a rat. - Run, dog, mew, cat. - Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. - -Elevenson - - -CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. - -CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, -poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The -inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained -in these Olympian games: - - His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to - overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives - they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here - commemorated by his family, who shared them. - In the earth we here prepare a - Place to lay our little Clara. - -Thomas M. and Mary Frazer - - P.S.--Gabriel will raise her. - -CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of -labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who -followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The -best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse -added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John -the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat -sophisticated sacred history. - -CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the -entrance--against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, -sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the -entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the -poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor -Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give -his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes -the number twenty-seven--a judgment that would be entirely -conclusive if Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, -and (b) something about arithmetic. - -CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the -idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth--two removes from the sin -of manhood and three from the remorse of age. - -CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely -inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. -One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not -inconsistent with a life of sin. - - I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! - The godly multitudes walked to and fro - Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, - With pious mien, appropriately sad, - While all the church bells made a solemn din-- - A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. - Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, - With tranquil face, upon that holy show - A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, - Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. - "God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are - No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; - And yet I entertain the hope that you, - Like these good people, are a Christian too." - He raised his eyes and with a look so stern - It made me with a thousand blushes burn - Replied--his manner with disdain was spiced: - "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." - -G.J. - - -CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted -to see men, women and children acting the fool. - -CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of -seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a -blockhead. - -CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with -cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a -clarionet--two clarionets. - -CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual -affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones. - -CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over -history--which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent -citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being -addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. - -CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern -for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. - - A busy man complained one day: - "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" - Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; - "You have, sir, all the time there is. - There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it-- - We're never for an hour without it." - -Purzil Crofe - - -CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many -meritorious persons wish to obtain. - - "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried - To thrifty J. Macpherson; - "See me--I'm ready to divide - With any worthy person." - Sad Jamie: "That is very true-- - The boast requires no backing; - And all are worthy, sir, to you, - Who have what you are lacking." - -Anita M. Bobe - - -COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the -sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a -brotherhood of awful examples. - - O Coenobite, O coenobite, - Monastical gregarian, - You differ from the anchorite, - That solitudinarian: - With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; - With dropping shots he makes him sick. - -Quincy Giles - - -COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's -uneasiness. - -COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that -resembles, but do not equal, our own. - -COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the -goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money -belonging to E. - -COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable -multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously -efficient. - - This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, - So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew - Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches - Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays - That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins - Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. - On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, - Misfortune attend and disaster befall! - May life be to them a succession of hurts; - May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; - May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, - Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; - May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, - And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; - May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, - And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. - Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse - Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, - By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors-- - The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! - Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! - Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, - Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. - -K.Q. - - -COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives -each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought -not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his -due. - -COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. - -CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than -sympathy. - -CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, -confided by _him_ to C. - -CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. - -CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. - -CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and -nothing about anything else. - -An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, -some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he -murmured and died. - -CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as -distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with -others. - -CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate -than yourself. - -CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure -an office from the people is given one by the Administration on -condition that he leave the country. - -CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already -decided on. - -CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too -formidable safely to be opposed. - -CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the -injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. - - In controversy with the facile tongue-- - That bloodless warfare of the old and young-- - So seek your adversary to engage - That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, - And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, - With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. - You ask me how this miracle is done? - Adopt his own opinions, one by one, - And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath - He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. - Advance then gently all you wish to prove, - Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've - So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, - And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, - This view of it which, better far expressed, - Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest - To him, secure that he'll perform his trust - And prove your views intelligent and just. - -Conmore Apel Brune - - -CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to -meditate upon the vice of idleness. - -CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental -commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of -his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. - -CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward -and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a -dynamite bomb. - -CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military -ladder. - - Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, - Our corporal heroically fell! - Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl - And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." - -Giacomo Smith - - -CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit -without individual responsibility. - -CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. - -COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. - -COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - -CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but -less indigestible. - - In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably - figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only - backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the - perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to - avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend - their nature afterward. - -Sir James Merivale - - -CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial -Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. - -CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. - -CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody -tries to please him. - - There is a land of pure delight, - Beyond the Jordan's flood, - Where saints, apparelled all in white, - Fling back the critic's mud. - - And as he legs it through the skies, - His pelt a sable hue, - He sorrows sore to recognize - The missiles that he threw. - -Orrin Goof - - -CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its -significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, -but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been -believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic -worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, -to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as -a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent -neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father -Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: - - "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood - Cry out in holy chorus, - And, to dissuade from sin, parade - Their various charms before us. - - But why, O why, has ne'er an eye - Seen her of winsome manner - And youthful grace and pretty face - Flaunting the White Cross banner? - - Now where's the need of speech and screed - To better our behaving? - A simpler plan for saving man - (But, first, is he worth saving?) - - Is, dears, when he declines to flee - From bad thoughts that beset him, - Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, - And wants to sin--don't let him. - -CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? - -CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person -from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction -and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier -gets the skins of more foxes than asses." - -CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a -barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of -its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is -the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual -love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the -wounds of an arrow--of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art -grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work-- -this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on -the doorstep of prosperity. - -CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The -desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one -of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. - -CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This -is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is -commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a -cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of -life insurance. - -CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, -not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of -plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - - - - -D - - -DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning -of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to -have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree -of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it -expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently -occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It -would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion -conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. - -DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably -with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many -kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two -sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously -innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. - -DANGER, n. - - A savage beast which, when it sleeps, - Man girds at and despises, - But takes himself away by leaps - And bounds when it arises. - -Ambat Delaso - - -DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in -security. - -DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, -whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words -_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of -God. - -DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men -prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk -with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then -point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period -is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day -improper--the former devoted to sins of business, the latter -consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity -overlap. - -DEAD, adj. - - Done with the work of breathing; done - With all the world; the mad race run - Through to the end; the golden goal - Attained and found to be a hole! - -Squatol Johnes - - -DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has -had the misfortune to overtake it. - -DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the -slave-driver. - - As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet - Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, - Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, - Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; - So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, - Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, - Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, - And finds at last he might as well have paid it. - -Barlow S. Vode - - -DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number--just enough -to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to -embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the -Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. - - Thou shalt no God but me adore: - 'Twere too expensive to have more. - - No images nor idols make - For Robert Ingersoll to break. - - Take not God's name in vain; select - A time when it will have effect. - - Work not on Sabbath days at all, - But go to see the teams play ball. - - Honor thy parents. That creates - For life insurance lower rates. - - Kill not, abet not those who kill; - Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. - - Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless - Thine own thy neighbor doth caress - - Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete - Successfully in business. Cheat. - - Bear not false witness--that is low-- - But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." - - Covet thou naught that thou hast not - By hook or crook, or somehow, got. - -G.J. - - -DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences -over another set. - - A leaf was riven from a tree, - "I mean to fall to earth," said he. - - The west wind, rising, made him veer. - "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." - - The east wind rose with greater force. - Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." - - With equal power they contend. - He said: "My judgment I suspend." - - Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, - Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." - - "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; - Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. - - Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, - You'll have no hand in it at all. - -G.J. - - -DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. - -DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. - -DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. -The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it -required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes -of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of -sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps -why they suffered him to beg his bread--a marked instance of -returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he -would certainly have starved. - -DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from -private station to political preferment. - -DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the -Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its -name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man -pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. - -DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. -Variously pronounced. - -DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that -comes in sets. - -DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which -side it is buttered on. - -DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away -the sins (and sinners) of the world. - -DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising -Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many -other goodly sons and daughters. - - All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee - The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; - For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, - Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. - -Mumfrey Mappel - - -DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, -pulls coins out of your pocket. - -DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support -which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. - -DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. -The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and -an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. -When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud -of dust. - - "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, - "To-day the books are to be tried - By experts and accountants who - Have been commissioned to go through - Our office here, to see if we - Have stolen injudiciously. - Please have the proper entries made, - The proper balances displayed, - Conforming to the whole amount - Of cash on hand--which they will count. - I've long admired your punctual way-- - Here at the break and close of day, - Confronting in your chair the crowd - Of business men, whose voices loud - And gestures violent you quell - By some mysterious, calm spell-- - Some magic lurking in your look - That brings the noisiest to book - And spreads a holy and profound - Tranquillity o'er all around. - So orderly all's done that they - Who came to draw remain to pay. - But now the time demands, at last, - That you employ your genius vast - In energies more active. Rise - And shake the lightnings from your eyes; - Inspire your underlings, and fling - Your spirit into everything!" - The Master's hand here dealt a whack - Upon the Deputy's bent back, - When straightway to the floor there fell - A shrunken globe, a rattling shell - A blackened, withered, eyeless head! - The man had been a twelvemonth dead. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for -failure. - -DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's -pulse and purse. - -DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest -from disorders of the bowels. - -DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can -relate to himself without blushing. - - Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ - All that he had of wisdom and of wit. - So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, - Erased all entries of his own and cried: - "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: - "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"-- - Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, - That record from a pocket in his shroud. - The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, - Each stupid line of which he knew before, - Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit - On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; - Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. - "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: - You'd never be content this side the tomb-- - For big ideas Heaven has little room, - And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," - He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. - -"The Mad Philosopher" - - -DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of -despotism to the plague of anarchy. - -DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth -of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, -however, is a most useful work. - -DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because -there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, -however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it -is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet -and domestic economist, Senator Depew: - - A cube of cheese no larger than a die - May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. - -DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the -process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead--a circumstance from -which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies -are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. - -DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. - -DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better -error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. - -DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or -thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. - -DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - -DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. - -DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity -of a command. - - His right to govern me is clear as day, - My duty manifest to disobey; - And if that fit observance e'er I shut - May I and duty be alike undone. - -Israfel Brown - - -DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. - Let us dissemble. - -Adam - - -DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to -call theirs, and keep. - -DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a -friend. - -DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as -many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce -and the early fool. - -DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch -the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in -some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection -of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog -is a survival--an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, -yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, -sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means -wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned -with a look of tolerant recognition. - -DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal -measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on -horseback. - -DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. - -DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which -did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. -Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says -their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as -Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to -Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have -obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his -talent for human sacrifice was considerable. - -Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing -of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They -were, in short, heathens and--as they were once complacently -catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England-- -Dissenters. - -DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back -season. - -DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two -enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if -awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences -sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. - - That dueling's a gentlemanly vice - I hold; and wish that it had been my lot - To live my life out in some favored spot-- - Some country where it is considered nice - To split a rival like a fish, or slice - A husband like a spud, or with a shot - Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot - And ready to be put upon the ice. - Some miscreants there are, whom I do long - To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim - The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, - I seem to see them now--a mighty throng. - It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, - Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! - -Xamba Q. Dar - - -DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. -The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy -have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their -insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh -with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence -they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having -blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and -many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent -times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread -all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, -literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came -over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report -of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion -has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy -statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but -little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The -intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, -but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. - -DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, -along the line of desire. - - Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, - Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. - His anger provoked him to take the king's head, - But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, - Instead. - -G.J. - - - - -E - - -EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of -mastication, humectation, and deglutition. - -"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, -beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner -in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained -the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but -enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." - -EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and -vices of another or yourself. - - A lady with one of her ears applied - To an open keyhole heard, inside, - Two female gossips in converse free-- - The subject engaging them was she. - "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks - That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" - As soon as no more of it she could hear - The lady, indignant, removed her ear. - "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, - "To hear my character lied about!" - -Gopete Sherany - - -ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ -it to accentuate their incapacity. - -ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for -the price of the cow that you cannot afford. - -EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a -toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man -to a worm. - -EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, -Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely -virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the -virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the -splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he -resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the -tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as -the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. -Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of -thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the -Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the -editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to -suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard -the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines -of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack -up some pathos. - - O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, - A gilded impostor is he. - Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, - His crown is brass, - Himself an ass, - And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. - Prankily, crankily prating of naught, - Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. - Public opinion's camp-follower he, - Thundering, blundering, plundering free. - Affected, - Ungracious, - Suspected, - Mendacious, - Respected contemporaree! - J.H. Bumbleshook - -EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the -foolish their lack of understanding. - -EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in -the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the -other--which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has -never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the -rabbit the cause of a dog. - -EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. - - Megaceph, chosen to serve the State - In the halls of legislative debate, - One day with all his credentials came - To the capitol's door and announced his name. - The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist - Of the face, at the eminent egotist, - And said: "Go away, for we settle here - All manner of questions, knotty and queer, - And we cannot have, when the speaker demands - To be told how every member stands, - A man who to all things under the sky - Assents by eternally voting 'I'." - -EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is -also much used in cases of extreme poverty. - -ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man -of another man's choice. - -ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known -to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, -and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most -picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory -of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in -France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, -bearing the following touching account of his life and services to -science: - - "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This - illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the - world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, - of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." - - Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the -arts and industries. The question of its economical application to -some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved -that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more -light than a horse. - -ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of -the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind -the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins -somewhat like this: - - The cur foretells the knell of parting day; - The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; - The wise man homeward plods; I only stay - To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. - -ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the -color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color -appear white. - -ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients -foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This -ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth -by the early Christians--may their souls be happy in Heaven! - -EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to -the despotism of himself. - - He was a slave: at word he went and came; - His iron collar cut him to the bone. - Then Liberty erased his owner's name, - Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. - -G.J. - - -EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which -it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural -balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their -once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting -more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step -in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be -ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a -bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him -after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose -are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. - -EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the -heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge -of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. - -ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. - -END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the -Interlocutor. - - The man was perishing apace - Who played the tambourine; - The seal of death was on his face-- - 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. - - "This is the end," the sick man said - In faint and failing tones. - A moment later he was dead, - And Tambourine was Bones. - -Tinley Roquot - - -ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. - - Enough is as good as a feast--for that matter - Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. - -Arbely C. Strunk - - -ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of -death by injection. - -ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of -repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. -Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a -relapse, which carried him off--to Missolonghi. - -ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the -husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. - -ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. - -EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military -officer from the enemy--that is to say, from the officer of lower -rank to whom his death would give promotion. - -EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, -holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time -in gratification from the senses. - -EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently -characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. -Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and -ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: - - We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To - serve oneself is economy of administration. - - In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a - nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal - activity. - - There are three sexes; males, females and girls. - - Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: - they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. - Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be - ashamed of. - - While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands - you are safe, for you can watch both his. - -EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired -by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: - - Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, - Wise, pious, humble and all that, - Who showed us life as all should live it; - Let that be said--and God forgive it! - -ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. - - So wide his erudition's mighty span, - He knew Creation's origin and plan - And only came by accident to grief-- - He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. - -Romach Pute - - -ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. -The ancient philosophies were of two kinds,--_exoteric_, those that -the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, -those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most -profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in -our time. - -ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, -as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and -ethnologists. - -EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. - A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as -to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred -thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. - -EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth -and power, or the consideration to be dead. - -EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious -sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of -our neighbors. - -EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence -that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am -not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of -Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," -as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book -was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is -still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of -the soul. - -EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other -things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The -exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips -of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought -of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means -that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not -_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this -excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an -evil power which appears to be immortal. - -EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate -penalties the law of moderation. - - Hail, high Excess--especially in wine, - To thee in worship do I bend the knee - Who preach abstemiousness unto me-- - My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. - Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, - Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree - With reason as thy touch, exact and free, - Upon my forehead and along my spine. - At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, - With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; - When on thy stool of penitence I sit - I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. - Ungrateful he who afterward would falter - To make new sacrifices at thine altar! - -EXCOMMUNICATION, n. - - This "excommunication" is a word - In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, - And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, - Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal-- - A rite permitting Satan to enslave him - Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. - -Gat Huckle - - -EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to -enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the -judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of -no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The -Lunarian Astonished_--Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: - - LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes - directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be - known whether it is constitutional? - TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the - Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many - years somebody objects to its operation against himself--I - mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to - execute it at once. - LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. - Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances - that they enforce? - TERRESTRIAN: Not yet--at least not in their character of - constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the - approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. - LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by - the murderer. - TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so - consistent. - LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial - machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they - have long been executed, and then only when brought before the - court by some private person--does it not cause great - confusion? - TERRESTRIAN: It does. - LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being - executed, be validated, not by the signature of your - President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme - Court? - TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. - LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? - TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three - volumes each. So how can any one know? - -EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another -upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. - -EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not -an ambassador. - -An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of -Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years -afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of -unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the -ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: - - Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly - received. War with the whole world! - -EXISTENCE, n. - - A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, - Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: - From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge - Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" - -EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an -undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - - To one who, journeying through night and fog, - Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, - Experience, like the rising of the dawn, - Reveals the path that he should not have gone. - -Joel Frad Bink - - -EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to -lose their friends. - -EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the -future state. - - - - -F - - -FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly -inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, -and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The -fairies are now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a -clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately -as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of -the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected -that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of -fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a -peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The -son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but -afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and been in pursuit of the -fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers -that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one -change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great -slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original -shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain -which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the -wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was -made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or -mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. - -FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks -without knowledge, of things without parallel. - -FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. - - Done to a turn on the iron, behold - Him who to be famous aspired. - Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, - And his twistings are greatly admired. - -Hassan Brubuddy - - -FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. - - A king there was who lost an eye - In some excess of passion; - And straight his courtiers all did try - To follow the new fashion. - - Each dropped one eyelid when before - The throne he ventured, thinking - 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore - He'd slay them all for winking. - - What should they do? They were not hot - To hazard such disaster; - They dared not close an eye--dared not - See better than their master. - - Seeing them lacrymose and glum, - A leech consoled the weepers: - He spread small rags with liquid gum - And covered half their peepers. - - The court all wore the stuff, the flame - Of royal anger dying. - That's how court-plaster got its name - Unless I'm greatly lying. - -Naramy Oof - - -FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by -gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person -distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church -feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly -immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these -entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by -the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, -as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is -believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. -Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was -held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. - -FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in -embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. - -FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. - - The Maker, at Creation's birth, - With living things had stocked the earth. - From elephants to bats and snails, - They all were good, for all were males. - But when the Devil came and saw - He said: "By Thine eternal law - Of growth, maturity, decay, - These all must quickly pass away - And leave untenanted the earth - Unless Thou dost establish birth"-- - Then tucked his head beneath his wing - To laugh--he had no sleeve--the thing - With deviltry did so accord, - That he'd suggested to the Lord. - The Master pondered this advice, - Then shook and threw the fateful dice - Wherewith all matters here below - Are ordered, and observed the throw; - Then bent His head in awful state, - Confirming the decree of Fate. - From every part of earth anew - The conscious dust consenting flew, - While rivers from their courses rolled - To make it plastic for the mould. - Enough collected (but no more, - For niggard Nature hoards her store) - He kneaded it to flexible clay, - While Nick unseen threw some away. - And then the various forms He cast, - Gross organs first and finer last; - No one at once evolved, but all - By even touches grew and small - Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, - To match all living things He'd made - Females, complete in all their parts - Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. - "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed - I'll fetch the very hearts they need"-- - So flew away and soon brought back - The number needed, in a sack. - That night earth rang with sounds of strife-- - Ten million males each had a wife; - That night sweet Peace her pinions spread - O'er Hell--ten million devils dead! - -G.J. - - -FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest -approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. - - When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, - Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. - Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief - By proof that even himself was not a slave - To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave - Had been of all her servitors the chief - Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf - Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. - No, David served not Naked Truth when he - Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; - Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: - For reason shows that it could never be, - And the facts contradict him to his face. - Men are not liars all, for some are dead. - -Bartle Quinker - - -FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. - -FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a -horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. - - To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn - I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." - To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, - 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." - -Orm Pludge - - -FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. - -FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for -the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word -with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of -America's most precious discoveries and possessions. - -FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and -ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one -sees on vacant lots in London--"Rubbish may be shot here." - -FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. - -FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another -party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, -who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our -partisan journals. - -FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by -Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various -literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and -general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These -creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and -companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly -embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, -according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by -a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the -writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature--that is to say, -the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and -critics in the same language--never punctuated at all, but worked -right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which -comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children -to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful -instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the -methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of -races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is -found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and -chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and -serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly--_Musca maledicta_. -In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making -the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine -revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever -marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable -enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. -Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of -the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such -assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to -grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, -in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to -understand the important services that flies perform to literature it -is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a -saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit -brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the -duration of exposure. - -FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and -controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns -his life. - - Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once - In a thick volume, and all authors known, - If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, - Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts - Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, - To mend their lives and to sustain his own, - However feebly be his arrows thrown, - - Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. - All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, - With lusty lung, here on his western strand - With all thine offspring thronged from every land, - Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. - And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, - Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. - -Aramis Loto Frope - - -FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation -and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is -omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was -who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the -telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created -patriotism and taught the nations war--founded theology, philosophy, -law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican -government. He is from everlasting to everlasting--such as -creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang -upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the -procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the -set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening -meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal -grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of -eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human -civilization. - -FORCE, n. - - "Force is but might," the teacher said-- - "That definition's just." - The boy said naught but thought instead, - Remembering his pounded head: - "Force is not might but must!" - -FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two -malefactors. - -FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I -consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in -explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; -when I remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles -caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, -and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to -prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the -efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life,--recalling these -awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the -mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing -to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly -refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. - -FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation -for their destitution of conscience. - -FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead -animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this -purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many -advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether -reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of -these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking -proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. - -FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person--a -method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately -permitted to lose his case. - - When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court - (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) - Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, - He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. - - "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; - "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." - So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: - He went away--as he had come--nonsuited. - -G.J. - - -FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds -lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval -times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in -this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent -an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity -of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you -master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the -officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must -e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this -act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master -the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too -great wealth." - -FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose -annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. - -FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half -dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political -condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual -monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is -not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a -living specimen of either. - - Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, - Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; - On every wind, indeed, that blows - I hear her yell. - - She screams whenever monarchs meet, - And parliaments as well, - To bind the chains about her feet - And toll her knell. - - And when the sovereign people cast - The votes they cannot spell, - Upon the pestilential blast - Her clamors swell. - - For all to whom the power's given - To sway or to compel, - Among themselves apportion Heaven - And give her Hell. - -Blary O'Gary - - -FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and -fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, -among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the -dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces -all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming -up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of -Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by -Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, -Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the -Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the -Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the -Egyptian Pyramids--always by a Freemason. - -FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. -Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. - -FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but -only one in foul. - - The sea was calm and the sky was blue; - Merrily, merrily sailed we two. - (High barometer maketh glad.) - On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, - The tempest descended and we fell out. - (O the walking is nasty bad!) - -Armit Huff Bettle - - -FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in -profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and -the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the -work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has -set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain -frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was -besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, -who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, -that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the -programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good -voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by -Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective--"brekekex-koax"; the -music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses -have a frog in each hoof--a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling -them to shine in a hurdle race. - -FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that -punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented -by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died -without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp -who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and -devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its -terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. -Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of -invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The -following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) -seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to -this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life -reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the -other side, rewarding its devotees: - - Old Nick was summoned to the skies. - Said Peter: "Your intentions - Are good, but you lack enterprise - Concerning new inventions. - - "Now, broiling is an ancient plan - Of torment, but I hear it - Reported that the frying-pan - Sears best the wicked spirit. - - "Go get one--fill it up with fat-- - Fry sinners brown and good in't." - "I know a trick worth two o' that," - Said Nick--"I'll cook their food in't." - -FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by -enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure -that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - - The savage dies--they sacrifice a horse - To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. - Our friends expire--we make the money fly - In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. - -Jex Wopley - - -FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our -friends are true and our happiness is assured. - - - - -G - - -GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which -the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the -gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. - - Whether on the gallows high - Or where blood flows the reddest, - The noblest place for man to die-- - Is where he died the deadest. - -(Old play) - - -GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval -buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some -personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was -especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures -generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery -of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean -and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others -substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the -new incumbents. - -GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out -of her stockings and desolating the country. - -GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was -rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble -by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. - -GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did -not particularly care to trace his own. - -GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. - - Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: - A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. - Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, - For dictionary makers are generally gents. - -G.J. - - -GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between -the outside of the world and the inside. - - Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, - Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, - In passing thence along the river Zam - To the adjacent village of Xelam, - Bewildered by the multitude of roads, - Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, - Then from exposure miserably died, - And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. - -Henry Haukhorn - - -GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust--to which, doubtless, -will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up -garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe -already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, -consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, -antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The -Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary -comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy -boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, -anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. - -GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. - - He saw a ghost. - It occupied--that dismal thing!-- - The path that he was following. - Before he'd time to stop and fly, - An earthquake trifled with the eye - That saw a ghost. - He fell as fall the early good; - Unmoved that awful vision stood. - The stars that danced before his ken - He wildly brushed away, and then - He saw a post. - -Jared Macphester - - -Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions -somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much -afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such -tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of -my own experience. - -There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost -never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his -habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not -only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is -nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile -fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, -what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the -apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost -in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and -get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. - -GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring -the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of -controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of -comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In -1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened -it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with -many heads and an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more -than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at -the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he -would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a -ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury -and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished -a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water -turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has -since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the -fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral -at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed -men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and -captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had -transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was -nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous -popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so -affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself -in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. - -GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by -committing dyspepsia. - -GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the -interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral -treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough -in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw -them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig -Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and -Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a -Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these -statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as -1764. - -GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion -between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not -go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin -of the fusion managers. - -GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state -resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is -something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. - - A hunter from Kew caught a distant view - Of a peacefully meditative gnu, - And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue - In its blood at a closer interview." - But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw - O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; - And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew - Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew - That really meritorious gnu." - -Jarn Leffer - - -GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. -Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. - -GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some -occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various -degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, -so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person -called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript -of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as -discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found -to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be -very great geese indeed. - -GORGON, n. - - The Gorgon was a maiden bold - Who turned to stone the Greeks of old - That looked upon her awful brow. - We dig them out of ruins now, - And swear that workmanship so bad - Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. - -GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. - -GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, -who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no -expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and -dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to -be blowing. - -GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet -for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to -distinction. - -GRAPE, n. - - Hail noble fruit!--by Homer sung, - Anacreon and Khayyam; - Thy praise is ever on the tongue - Of better men than I am. - - The lyre in my hand has never swept, - The song I cannot offer: - My humbler service pray accept-- - I'll help to kill the scoffer. - The water-drinkers and the cranks - Who load their skins with liquor-- - I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks - And tap them with my sticker. - - Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools - When e'er we let the wine rest. - Here's death to Prohibition's fools, - And every kind of vine-pest! - -Jamrach Holobom - - -GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to -the demands of American Socialism. - -GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of -the medical student. - - Beside a lonely grave I stood-- - With brambles 'twas encumbered; - The winds were moaning in the wood, - Unheard by him who slumbered, - - A rustic standing near, I said: - "He cannot hear it blowing!" - "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead-- - He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." - - "Too true," I said; "alas, too true-- - No sound his sense can quicken!" - "Well, mister, wot is that to you?-- - The deadster ain't a-kickin'." - - I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile - On him, and mercy show him!" - That countryman looked on the while, - And said: "Ye didn't know him." - -Pobeter Dunko - - -GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another -with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain-- -the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength -of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and -edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, -makes B the proof of A. - -GREAT, adj. - - "I'm great," the Lion said--"I reign - The monarch of the wood and plain!" - - The Elephant replied: "I'm great-- - No quadruped can match my weight!" - - "I'm great--no animal has half - So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. - - "I'm great," the Kangaroo said--"see - My femoral muscularity!" - - The 'Possum said: "I'm great--behold, - My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" - - An Oyster fried was understood - To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" - - Each reckons greatness to consist - In that in which he heads the list, - - And Vierick thinks he tops his class - Because he is the greatest ass. - -Arion Spurl Doke - - -GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders -with good reason. - -In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the -learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture ---the shrug--among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles -and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracting the head inside -the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an -authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and -enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_--lib. II, c. XI) -the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a -theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I -have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired -by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. - -GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the -settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left -unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to -the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it -was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion -seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, -it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of -Agriculture. - -Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event -that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of -Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of -the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented -him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the -_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial -value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was -instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with -soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line -of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look -backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a -lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the -earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary -saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and -fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, -then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself -thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators -along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak -prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, -and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" -cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading -line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," -said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again -centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of -Washington." - - - - -H - - -HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when -confined for the wrong crime. - -HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. - -HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the -place where the dead live. - -Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our -Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in -a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves -were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. -When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of -evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a -majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a -conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record -and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the -next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly -sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, -somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good -prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the -means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and -immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. - -HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes -called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were -called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind -of baleful lumination or nimbus--hag being the popular name of that -peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time -hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, -all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not -now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag--that compliment is -reserved for the use of her grandchildren. - -HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or -considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion -arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience -could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father -Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would -demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and -unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the -body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the -negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a -viper. - -HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, -but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a -somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and -saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture -in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred -as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, -or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a -pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the -nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly -decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his -unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. - -HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and -commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - -HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various -ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals -to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent -invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties -to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of -"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, -as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails -in our own day--an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. - -HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest -dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a -populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States -his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, -where executions by electricity have recently been ordered--the -first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the -expediency of hanging Jerseymen. - -HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the -misery of another. - -HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an -harangue-outang. - -HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed -to the fury of the customs. - -HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from -Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for -the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. - -HASH, x. There is no definition for this word--nobody knows what -hash is. - -HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. - - "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, - For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. - The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, - With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. - -John Lukkus - - -HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's -superiority. - -HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. - - In ancient times there lived a king - Whose tax-collectors could not wring - From all his subjects gold enough - To make the royal way less rough. - For pleasure's highway, like the dames - Whose premises adjoin it, claims - Perpetual repairing. So - The tax-collectors in a row - Appeared before the throne to pray - Their master to devise some way - To swell the revenue. "So great," - Said they, "are the demands of state - A tithe of all that we collect - Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: - How, if one-tenth we must resign, - Can we exist on t'other nine?" - The monarch asked them in reply: - "Has it occurred to you to try - The advantage of economy?" - "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold - All of our gray garrotes of gold; - With plated-ware we now compress - The necks of those whom we assess. - Plain iron forceps we employ - To mitigate the miser's joy - Who hoards, with greed that never tires, - That which your Majesty requires." - Deep lines of thought were seen to plow - Their way across the royal brow. - "Your state is desperate, no question; - Pray favor me with a suggestion." - "O King of Men," the spokesman said, - "If you'll impose upon each head - A tax, the augmented revenue - We'll cheerfully divide with you." - As flashes of the sun illume - The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, - The king smiled grimly. "I decree - That it be so--and, not to be - In generosity outdone, - Declare you, each and every one, - Exempted from the operation - Of this new law of capitation. - But lest the people censure me - Because they're bound and you are free, - 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid - By you this poll-tax to evade. - I'll leave you now while you confer - With my most trusted minister." - The monarch from the throne-room walked - And straightway in among them stalked - A silent man, with brow concealed, - Bare-armed--his gleaming axe revealed! - -G.J. - - -HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. - -HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this -useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments--a -very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once -universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions -reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of -the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a -feeling--tender or not, according to the age of the animal from -which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a -caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a -pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a -hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh -of sensibility--these things have been patiently ascertained by M. -Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, -my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and -Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_--4to, 687 pp.) In a -scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John -Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a -striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's -famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. - -HEAT, n. - - Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode - Of motion, but I know now how he's proving - His point; but this I know--hot words bestowed - With skill will set the human fist a-moving, - And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. - _Crede expertum_--I have seen them, child. - -Gorton Swope - - -HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship -something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, -of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. - - "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A Christian philosopher. I'm - A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, - Addicted too much to the crime - Of religious discussion in my rhyme. - - Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree - On a _modus vivendi_--not they!-- - Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, - And I haven't been reared in a way - To joy in the thick of the fray. - - For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, - And the truth of it I aver: - Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, - And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er-- - And I'm down upon him or her! - - Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin - Toleration--that's all very well, - But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, - And he's running--I know by the smell-- - A secret and personal Hell! - -Bissell Gip - - -HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with -talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention -while you expound your own. - -HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an -altogether superior creation. - -HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. - - "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" - Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' - She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at-- - For it's naught ye are ever doin'." - - "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, - And no sign of contrition envices; - "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, - For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" - -Marley Wottel - - -HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of -neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open -air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. - -HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. - -HERS, pron. His. - -HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. -There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of -various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the -whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is -admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean -that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four -centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that -swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their -brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently -been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of -the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation -of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent -is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to -which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was -strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not -wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. - -HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half -griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and -half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter -eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of -zoology is full of surprises. - -HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. - -HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, -which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly -fools. - - Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown - 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, - Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, - Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. - -Salder Bupp - - -HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and -serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, -the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for -the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster -that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been -known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of -this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not -discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. - -HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. - -HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and -Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly -inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they -can not. - -HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are -four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and -praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain -whether he fell by one kind or another--the classification is for -advantage of the lawyers. - -HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual -needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. - - So skilled the parson was in homiletics - That all his normal purges and emetics - To medicine the spirit were compounded - With a most just discrimination founded - Upon a rigorous examination - Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. - Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, - His scriptural specifics this physician - Administered--his pills so efficacious - And pukes of disposition so vivacious - That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam - Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. - But Slander's tongue--itself all coated--uttered - Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered - That in the case of patients having money - The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. - -_Biography of Bishop Potter_ - - -HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In -legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as -honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - -HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. - - Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left-- - Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; - When even his dog deserts him, and his goat - With tranquil disaffection chews his coat - While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, - The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, - Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint - The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. - -Fogarty Weffing - - -HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain -persons who are not in need of food and lodging. - -HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the -earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and -passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female -friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. - -HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make -things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence -marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a -soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient -esteem. - -HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, -mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. -_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal -service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. -_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. -_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult -persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a -youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously -disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has -pleased God to place her. - -HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. - -HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. - - Twaddle had a hovel, - Twiddle had a palace; - Twaddle said: "I'll grovel - Or he'll think I bear him malice"-- - A sentiment as novel - As a castor on a chalice. - - Down upon the middle - Of his legs fell Twaddle - And astonished Mr. Twiddle, - Who began to lift his noddle. - Feed upon the fiddle- - Faddle flummery, unswaddle - A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] - -G.J. - - -HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the -anthropoid poets. - -HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar -austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with -his best wishes, cat-quick. - - Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind - See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined-- - Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, - His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. - He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, - A graceful hog would bear his company. - -Alexander Poke - - -HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now -generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is -still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain -old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of -the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's -usefulness has outlasted it. - -HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. - -HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the -plate. - -HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. - -HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many -heads. - -HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its -habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the -medical student does that. - -HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. - - Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot - Where long the village rubbish had been shot - Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps-- - "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. - -Bogul S. Purvy - - -HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect -secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. - - - - -I - - -I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, -the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In -grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its -plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself -is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this -incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but -fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer -from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to -cloak his loot. - -ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of -blood. - - Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, - Restrained the raging chief and said: - "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled-- - Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" - -Mary Doke - - -ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are -imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest -that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but -pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of -those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the -iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; -and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress -the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." - -IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in -human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's -activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, -but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in -everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and -opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes -conduct with a dead-line. - -IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of -new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. - -IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge -familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know -nothing about. - - Dumble was an ignoramus, - Mumble was for learning famous. - Mumble said one day to Dumble: - "Ignorance should be more humble. - Not a spark have you of knowledge - That was got in any college." - Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly - You're self-satisfied unduly. - Of things in college I'm denied - A knowledge--you of all beside." - -Borelli - - -ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the -sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights-- -_cunctationes illuminati_. - -ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and -detraction. - -IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint -ownership. - -IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting -censorious critics of this dictionary. - -IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better -than another. - -IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with -a feeble conception of worth in others. - - There was once a man in Ispahan - Ever and ever so long ago, - And he had a head, the phrenologists said, - That fitted him for a show. - - For his modesty's bump was so large a lump - (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) - That its summit stood far above the wood - Of his hair, like a mountain peak. - - So modest a man in all Ispahan, - Over and over again they swore-- - So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; - None ever was found before. - - Meantime the hump of that awful bump - Into the heavens contrived to get - To so great a height that they called the wight - The man with the minaret. - - There wasn't a man in all Ispahan - Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: - With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung - He bragged of that beautiful bump - - Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page - Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, - And that gentle child explained as he smiled: - "A little present for you." - - The saddest man in all Ispahan, - Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. - "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility - Had given me deathless fame!" - -Sukker Uffro - - -IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard -to the greater number of instances men find to be generally -inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's -notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of -expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other -way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and -nowise dependent on, their consequences--then all philosophy is a -lie and reason a disorder of the mind. - -IMMORTALITY, n. - - A toy which people cry for, - And on their knees apply for, - Dispute, contend and lie for, - And if allowed - Would be right proud - Eternally to die for. - -G.J. - - -IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains -fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, -properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the -body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common -mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is -still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the -beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in -"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole -of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as -"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in -Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for -crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded -for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of -sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must -be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious -dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he -would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in -the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. - -IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage -from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two -conflicting opinions. - -IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between -sin and punishment. - -IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. - -IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on -of hands--a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but -performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. - - "Lo! by the laying on of hands," - Say parson, priest and dervise, - "We consecrate your cash and lands - To ecclesiastical service. - No doubt you'll swear till all is blue - At such an imposition. Do." - -Pollo Doncas - - -IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. - -IMPROBABILITY, n. - - His tale he told with a solemn face - And a tender, melancholy grace. - Improbable 'twas, no doubt, - When you came to think it out, - But the fascinated crowd - Their deep surprise avowed - And all with a single voice averred - 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard-- - All save one who spake never a word, - But sat as mum - As if deaf and dumb, - Serene, indifferent and unstirred. - Then all the others turned to him - And scrutinized him limb from limb-- - Scanned him alive; - But he seemed to thrive - And tranquiler grow each minute, - As if there were nothing in it. - "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed - At what our friend has told?" He raised - Soberly then his eyes and gazed - In a natural way - And proceeded to say, - As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: - "O no--not at all; I'm a liar myself." - -IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues -of to-morrow. - -IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. - -INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain -kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be -entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of -proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible -because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for -examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, -commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay -evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis -than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the -Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long -dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known -to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they -now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its -support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be -proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was -such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. - -But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily -be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were -a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which -certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a -flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it -were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was -ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery -for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human -testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - -INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being -unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any -important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state -prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite -and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the -flight of birds--the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. -Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided -that the word--always in the plural--shall mean "patronage" or -"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the -Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities -were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." - - A Roman slave appeared one day - Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, - If--" here the Augur, smiling, made - A checking gesture and displayed - His open palm, which plainly itched, - For visibly its surface twitched. - A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) - Successfully allayed the tickle, - And then the slave proceeded: "Please - Inform me whether Fate decrees - Success or failure in what I - To-night (if it be dark) shall try. - Its nature? Never mind--I think - 'Tis writ on this"--and with a wink - Which darkened half the earth, he drew - Another denarius to view, - Its shining face attentive scanned, - Then slipped it into the good man's hand, - Who with great gravity said: "Wait - While I retire to question Fate." - That holy person then withdrew - His scared clay and, passing through - The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" - Waving his robe of office. Straight - Each sacred peacock and its mate - (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled - With clamor from the trees o'erhead, - Where they were perching for the night. - The temple's roof received their flight, - For thither they would always go, - When danger threatened them below. - Back to the slave the Augur went: - "My son, forecasting the event - By flight of birds, I must confess - The auspices deny success." - That slave retired, a sadder man, - Abandoning his secret plan-- - Which was (as well the craft seer - Had from the first divined) to clear - The wall and fraudulently seize - On Juno's poultry in the trees. - -G.J. - - -INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of -respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, -arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the -play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in -whatsoever it consisteth--coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, -or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own -subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and -all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but -to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be -rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and -their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the -lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who -bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, -being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily -accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and -rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." - -INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly -the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a -meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been -known to wear a moustache. - -INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two -things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for -one of them, but not enough for both--as Walt Whitman's poetry and -God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only -incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel -yourself--I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are -incompossible," would convey an equally significant intimation and in -stately courtesy are altogether superior. - -INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though -probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best -nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including -_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus -(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be -out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public -schools. - -Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself-- -tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless-- -sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm -of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, -generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to -learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from -their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; -but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the -test. - -INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - -INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir -Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to -do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it -followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many -chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards"--a most clear -and satisfactory exposition of the matter. - -"Your prompt decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain -occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five -minutes to make up your mind in." - -"Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great -thing to know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt -whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment--I toss up a -copper." - -"Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" - -"Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I -disobeyed the coin." - -INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. - - "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, - "You've grown indifferent to all in life." - "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; - "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." - -Apuleius M. Gokul - - -INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends -frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the -salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put -it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no -pray; big bellyache, heap God." - -INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. - -INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. - -INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, -"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon -afterward. - -INFERIAE, n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for -propitiation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the -pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual -needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor -might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising -materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of -Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an -audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically -recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, -giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down -to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at that -point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled -the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine -mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back -further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court -of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption -in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the -matter might be different; and to that I bow--wow. - -INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian -religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of -scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, -divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, -voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, -missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, -muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, -primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, -clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, -preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, -bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, -deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, -hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, -postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, -reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, -mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, -sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, -prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and -pumpums. - -INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a -substantial _quid_. - -INFRALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have -sinned unless he had a mind to--in opposition to the Supralapsarians, -who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the -beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without -material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about -Adam. - - Two theologues once, as they wended their way - To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray-- - An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, - Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. - "'Twas Predestination," cried one--"for the Lord - Decreed he should fall of his own accord." - "Not so--'twas Free will," the other maintained, - "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." - So fierce and so fiery grew the debate - That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; - So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground - And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. - Ere either had proved his theology right - By winning, or even beginning, the fight, - A gray old professor of Latin came by, - A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, - And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still - As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill - Of foreordinational freedom of will) - Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: - Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. - The sects ye belong to--I'm ready to swear - Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. - _You_--Infralapsarian son of a clown!-- - Should only contend that Adam slipped down; - While _you_--you Supralapsarian pup!-- - Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. - It's all the same whether up or down - You slip on a peel of banana brown. - Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, - But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! - -G.J. - - -INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise -an object of charity. - - "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," - The good philanthropist replied; - "I did great service to a man one day - Who never since has cursed me to repay, - Nor vilified." - - "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight-- - With veneration I am overcome, - And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate-- - He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state - This man is dumb." - -Ariel Selp - - -INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. - -INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others -and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the -back. - -INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and -water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote -intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and -contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to -blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and -acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an -edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal -quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have -established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others -to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid -to get in pays twice as much to get out. - -INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent--as innate ideas, that is to say, -ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to -us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths -of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible -to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it -"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in -one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's -country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance -of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's -diseases. - -IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent -investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute -observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the -mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our -immortal part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds -that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms -the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points -confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. -Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by -believing both. - -INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are -of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame -of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of -his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the -name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following -are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) - - "In the sky my soul is found, - And my body in the ground. - By and by my body'll rise - To my spirit in the skies, - Soaring up to Heaven's gate. - 1878." - - "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, -aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." - - "Affliction sore long time she boar, - Phisicians was in vain, - Till Deth released the dear deceased - And left her a remain. - Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." - - "The clay that rests beneath this stone - As Silas Wood was widely known. - Now, lying here, I ask what good - It was to let me be S. Wood. - O Man, let not ambition trouble you, - Is the advice of Silas W." - - "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had -the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." - -INSECTIVORA, n. - - "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, - "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" - "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: - For us He has provided wrens and swallows." - -Sempen Railey - - -INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player -is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating -the man who keeps the table. - - INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house--pray let me - insure it. - HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so - low that by the time when, according to the tables of your - actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have - paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. - INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no--we could not afford to do that. - We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. - HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? - INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. - There was Smith's house, for example, which-- - HOUSE OWNER: Spare me--there were Brown's house, on the - contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which-- - INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! - HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay - you money on the supposition that something will occur - previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In - other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last - so long as you say that it will probably last. - INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it - will be a total loss. - HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon--by your own actuary's tables I - shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I - would otherwise have paid to you--amounting to more than the - face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to - burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are - based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were - insured? - INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our - luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your - loss. - HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their - losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before - they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case - stands this way: you expect to take more money from your - clients than you pay to them, do you not? - INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not-- - HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well - then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of - your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, - with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is - these individual probabilities that make the aggregate - certainty. - INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it--but look at the figures in - this pamph-- - HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! - INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would - otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander - them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. - HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is - not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you - command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a - Deserving Object. - -INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure -to substitute misrule for bad government. - -INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of -influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, -immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. - -INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to -understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to -the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - -INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is -governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment -of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most -unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm -again. - -INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for -their mutual destruction. - - Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue - And one in white, together drew - And having each a pleasant sense - Of t'other powder's excellence, - Forsook their jackets for the snug - Enjoyment of a common mug. - So close their intimacy grew - One paper would have held the two. - To confidences straight they fell, - Less anxious each to hear than tell; - Then each remorsefully confessed - To all the virtues he possessed, - Acknowledging he had them in - So high degree it was a sin. - The more they said, the more they felt - Their spirits with emotion melt, - Till tears of sentiment expressed - Their feelings. Then they effervesced! - So Nature executes her feats - Of wrath on friends and sympathetes - The good old rule who won't apply, - That you are you and I am I. - -INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the -gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The -introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, -being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every -American being the equal of every other American, it follows that -everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the -right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of -Independence should have read thus: - - "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are - created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain - inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to - make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an - incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the - liberty to introduce persons to one another without first - ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and - the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of - strangers." - -INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, -levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - -IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. - -ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. - - - - -J - - -J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel-- -than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has -been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and -it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, -_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the -dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as -expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of -Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of -three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the -j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. - -JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which -can be lost only if not worth keeping. - -JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose -business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and -utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The -king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some -centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were -sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of -all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and -romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise -and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the -court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same -jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the -patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. - - The widow-queen of Portugal - Had an audacious jester - Who entered the confessional - Disguised, and there confessed her. - - "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down-- - My sins are more than scarlet: - I love my fool--blaspheming clown, - And common, base-born varlet." - - "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, - "That sin, indeed, is awful: - The church's pardon is denied - To love that is unlawful. - "But since thy stubborn heart will be - For him forever pleading, - Thou'dst better make him, by decree, - A man of birth and breeding." - - She made the fool a duke, in hope - With Heaven's taboo to palter; - Then told a priest, who told the Pope, - Who damned her from the altar! - -Barel Dort - - -JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with -the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. - -JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan -tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. - -JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition -the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes -and personal service. - - - - -K - - -K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced -away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation -inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called -_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was -originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker -explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the -destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ -730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its -portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other -remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to -have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great -antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural--not to say -touching--means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. -It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional -mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one -of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no -objection to believing both--and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on -that side of the question. - -KEEP, v.t. - - He willed away his whole estate, - And then in death he fell asleep, - Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, - My name unblemished I shall keep." - But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought - Whose was it?--for the dead keep naught. - -Durang Gophel Arn - - -KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. - -KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and -Americans in Scotland. - -KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. - -KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," -although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. - - A king, in times long, long gone by, - Said to his lazy jester: - "If I were you and you were I - My moments merrily would fly-- - Nor care nor grief to pester." - - "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," - The fool said--"if you'll hear it-- - Is that of all the fools alive - Who own you for their sovereign, I've - The most forgiving spirit." - -Oogum Bem - - -KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the -sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the -most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the -ailing subjects and make them whole-- - - a crowd of wretched souls - That stay his cure: their malady convinces - The great essay of art; but at his touch, - Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, - They presently amend, - -as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the -royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown -properties; for according to "Malcolm," - - 'tis spoken - To the succeeding royalty he leaves - The healing benediction. - -But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the -later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the -disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler -one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the -following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but -it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national -disorder is not a thing of yesterday. - - Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, - Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. - He layde his hand on mine and sayd: - "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. - But O ye wofull plyght in wh. - I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! - -The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is -dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of -custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and -shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great -dignitary bestows his healing salutation on - - strangely visited people, - All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, - The mere despair of surgery, - -he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once -was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of -men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival"--one which brings -the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." - -KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is -supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony -appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its -performance is unknown to this lexicographer. - -KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. - -KNIGHT, n. - - Once a warrior gentle of birth, - Then a person of civic worth, - Now a fellow to move our mirth. - Warrior, person, and fellow--no more: - We must knight our dogs to get any lower. - Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, - Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, - Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, - Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. - God speed the day when this knighting fad - Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. - -KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been -written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a -wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. - - - - -L - - -LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - -LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The -theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control -is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the -superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some -have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own -implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass -are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that -if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will -be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to -exist. - - A life on the ocean wave, - A home on the rolling deep, - For the spark that nature gave - I have there the right to keep. - - They give me the cat-o'-nine - Whenever I go ashore. - Then ho! for the flashing brine-- - I'm a natural commodore! - -Dodle - - -LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding -another's treasure. - -LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest -of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. -The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the -serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as -one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human -intelligence over brute inertia. - -LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system--an -admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly -useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and -heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, -imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's -substantial welfare. - -LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as -opportunity to the maker of puns. - - Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, - Where the cobbler is unknown, - So that I might forget his last - And hear your own. - -Gargo Repsky - - -LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the -features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious -and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter -is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals-- -these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, -but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in -bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to -animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has -not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that -the infectious character of laughter is due to the instantaneous -fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he -names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. - -LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the -Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as -dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal -funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had -the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and -cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense -which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the -aspect of a national crime. - -LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and -formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as -had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) - -LAW, n. - - Once Law was sitting on the bench, - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. - "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. - Upon your knees if you appear, - 'Tis plain your have no standing here." - - Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "_Your_ status?--devil seize you!" - "_Amica curiae,_" she replied-- - "Friend of the court, so please you." - "Begone!" he shouted--"there's the door-- - I never saw your face before!" - -G.J. - - -LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. - -LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. - -LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. - -LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to -light lovers--particularly to those who love not wisely but other -men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an -argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong -way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international -controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is -precipitated in great quantities. - - Hail, holy Lead!--of human feuds the great - And universal arbiter; endowed - With penetration to pierce any cloud - Fogging the field of controversial hate, - And with a swift, inevitable, straight, - Searching precision find the unavowed - But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed - By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. - O useful metal!--were it not for thee - We'd grapple one another's ears alway: - But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee - We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." - And when the quick have run away like pellets - Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. - -LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. - -LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear -and his faith in your patience. - -LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of -tears. - -LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in -which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as -in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: - - The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. - Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" - -It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to -teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses -are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to -find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a -rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. - -LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that -pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the -good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man -has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the -appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being -reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire -comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to -shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to -the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, -salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with -sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an -intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." - -LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some -suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished -ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with -considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus -Polandensis_) or Polliwig--_Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an -exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous -monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. - -LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of -recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does -what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and -mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his -dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas -his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural -servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial -power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a -chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) -mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men -thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however -desirable its restoration to favor--whereby the process of -impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. -On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, -recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow -at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has -no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" ---although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven -forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the -dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when -from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own -meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a -Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end -and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy -preservation--sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion--the -lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which -his Creator had not created him to create. - - God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," - And lexicographers arose, a swarm! - Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, - And catalogued each garment in a book. - Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: - "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise - And scan the list, and say without compassion: - "Excuse us--they are mostly out of fashion." - -Sigismund Smith - - -LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. - -LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. - - The rising People, hot and out of breath, - Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" - "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; - You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." - -Martha Braymance - - -LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing -a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the -blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the -lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the -latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling -is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a -confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and -the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will -cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. - -LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live -in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. -The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; -particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written -at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of -the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of -successful controversy. - - "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," - Carelessly caroled the golden youth. - In manhood still he maintained that view - And held it more strongly the older he grew. - When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, - "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. - -Han Soper - - -LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the -government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. - -LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. - - 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, - And the salesman laced them tight - To a very remarkable height-- - Higher, indeed, than I think he ought-- - Higher than _can_ be right. - For the Bible declares--but never mind: - It is hardly fit - To censure freely and fault to find - With others for sins that I'm not inclined - Myself to commit. - Each has his weakness, and though my own - Is freedom from every sin, - It still were unfair to pitch in, - Discharging the first censorious stone. - Besides, the truth compels me to say, - The boots in question were _made_ that way. - As he drew the lace she made a grimace, - And blushingly said to him: - "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, - It hurts my--hurts my--limb." - The salesman smiled in a manner mild, - Like an artless, undesigning child; - Then, checking himself, to his face he gave - A look as sorrowful as the grave, - Though he didn't care two figs - For her pains and throes, - As he stroked her toes, - Remarking with speech and manner just - Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust - That it doesn't hurt your twigs." - -B. Percival Dike - - -LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, -entails a great waste of hemp."--Calcraft the Hangman. - -LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of -retaining his bones. - -LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of -as a sausage. - -LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be -bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary -anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to -infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side -of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time -considered the seat of life; hence its name--liver, the thing we -live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it -that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. - -LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one -learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast -upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, -and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At -the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the -expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old -D.D.--_Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum -Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been -suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who -points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the -advantage of a degree. - -LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and -enlightenment. - -LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that -delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. - -LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with -the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The -basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor -premise and a conclusion--thus: - -_Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as -quickly as one man. - -_Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; -therefore-- - -_Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by -combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are -twice blessed. - -LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds -punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem--a kind of contest in -which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is -denied the reward of success. - - 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men - That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. - Alas! we cannot know if this is true, - For reading Milton's wit we perish too. - -LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance -while maturing a plan of revenge. - -LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. - -LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting -show for man's disillusion given. - -The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso -looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain -courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby -enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: -"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of -thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, -prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign -countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of -the Universe!" - -Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be -conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither -without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but -idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with -cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the -glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, -he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and -that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this -was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his -image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody -bandage on one of its hinder hooves--as the artificers and all who -had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught -wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the -mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with -justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while -on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure -of an angel, which remains to this day. - -LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb -his tongue when you wish to talk. - -LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a -costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The -traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry -Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, -as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather -flattery than true reverence. - - Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, - Wedded a wandering English lord-- - Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," - A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. - Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare - Unworthy the father-in-legal care - Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth - That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; - For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage - Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. - Among them, cupidity caused him to urge - Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, - Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw - Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, - And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, - To the business of being a lord himself. - His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed - And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; - Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear - A whisker that looked like a blasted career. - He painted his neck an incarnadine hue - Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. - The moony monocular set in his eye - Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. - His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, - And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. - In speech he eschewed his American ways, - Denying his nose to the use of his A's - And dulling their edge till the delicate sense - Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. - His H's--'twas most inexpressibly sweet, - The patter they made as they fell at his feet! - Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear - Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. - Alas, the Divinity shaping his end - Entertained other views and decided to send - His lordship in horror, despair and dismay - From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. - For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde - Fell--suffering Caesar!--in love with her dad! - -G.J. - - -LORE, n. Learning--particularly that sort which is not derived from -a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult -books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore -and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's -_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these -traced backward, through various people on converging lines, toward a -common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of -"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little -Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The -Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The -fable which Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The -Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and -the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these -myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." - -LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the -latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his -election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost -his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the -word is used in the famous epitaph: - - Here Huntington's ashes long have lain - Whose loss is our eternal gain, - For while he exercised all his powers - Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. - -LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of -the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. -This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only -among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous -nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from -its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the -physician than to the patient. - -LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. - -LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not -writing about it. - -LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from -Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been -described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much -agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity -with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill -tribes of Vermont. - -LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a -figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following -fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: - - I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, - And pick with care the disobedient wire. - That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook - With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. - I bide my time, and it shall come at length, - When, with a Titan's energy and strength, - I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, - The word shall suffer when I let them go! - -Farquharson Harris - - - - -M - - -MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a -heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from -dissent. - -MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling -one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. - - So plain the advantages of machination - It constitutes a moral obligation, - And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing - Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. - So prospers still the diplomatic art, - And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. - -R.S.K. - - -MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. -History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old -Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A -Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he -had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. -Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he -could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a -linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five -hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. -There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. -Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of -_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes -back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The -President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the -friends of his youth have risen to high political and military -preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses -following were written by a macrobian: - - When I was young the world was fair - And amiable and sunny. - A brightness was in all the air, - In all the waters, honey. - The jokes were fine and funny, - The statesmen honest in their views, - And in their lives, as well, - And when you heard a bit of news - 'Twas true enough to tell. - Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, - Nor women "generally speaking." - - The Summer then was long indeed: - It lasted one whole season! - The sparkling Winter gave no heed - When ordered by Unreason - To bring the early peas on. - Now, where the dickens is the sense - In calling that a year - Which does no more than just commence - Before the end is near? - When I was young the year extended - From month to month until it ended. - I know not why the world has changed - To something dark and dreary, - And everything is now arranged - To make a fellow weary. - The Weather Man--I fear he - Has much to do with it, for, sure, - The air is not the same: - It chokes you when it is impure, - When pure it makes you lame. - With windows closed you are asthmatic; - Open, neuralgic or sciatic. - - Well, I suppose this new regime - Of dun degeneration - Seems eviler than it would seem - To a better observation, - And has for compensation - Some blessings in a deep disguise - Which mortal sight has failed - To pierce, although to angels' eyes - They're visible unveiled. - If Age is such a boon, good land! - He's costumed by a master hand! - -Venable Strigg - - -MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; -not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by -the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; -in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad -by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For -illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no -firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any -madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead -of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he -may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum -and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many -thoughtless spectators. - -MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found -out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary -of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by -St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of -Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is -pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly -sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for -Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of -revisers. - -MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are -other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet -lexicographer does not name them. - -MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. - -MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the -works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the -subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of -human knowledge. - -MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to -which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, -or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. - -MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is -large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased -in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was -before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be -larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the -relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the -astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. -For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a -small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the -life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee -creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the -proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of -these to another. - -MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone -that it might be taught to talk. - -MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless -conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide -geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored -wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, -nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though -in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with -regard to the part of her that is audible, bleaten out of the field -by the canary--which, also, is more portable. - - A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang-- - This quaint, sweet song sang she; - "It's O for a youth with a football bang - And a muscle fair to see! - The Captain he - Of a team to be! - On the gridiron he shall shine, - A monarch by right divine, - And never to roast on it--me!" - -Opoline Jones - - -MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just -contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great -Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders -of republican America. - -MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male -of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The -genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. - -MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus -believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could -not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the -Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers -have been of the same way of thinking. - -MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a -state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened -put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. - -MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple -is in the holy city of New York. - - He swore that all other religions were gammon, - And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. - -Jared Oopf - - -MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he -thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His -chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own -species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to -infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - - When the world was young and Man was new, - And everything was pleasant, - Distinctions Nature never drew - 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. - We're not that way at present, - Save here in this Republic, where - We have that old regime, - For all are kings, however bare - Their backs, howe'er extreme - Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice - To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. - - A citizen who would not vote, - And, therefore, was detested, - Was one day with a tarry coat - (With feathers backed and breasted) - By patriots invested. - "It is your duty," cried the crowd, - "Your ballot true to cast - For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, - And explained his wicked past: - "That's what I very gladly would have done, - Dear patriots, but he has never run." - -Apperton Duke - - -MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in -a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had -exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been -particularly happy afterward. - -MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare -between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians -joined the victorious Opposition. - -MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the -wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled -down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies -of the original occupants. - -MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a -master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - -MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a -desired death. - -MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an -imaginary one. Important. - - Material things I know, or feel, or see; - All else is immaterial to me. - -Jamrach Holobom - - -MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. - -MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a -state religion. - -ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in -English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the -oppressive. Each is all three. - -MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the -ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of -Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing -when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. - -MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, -attainments or services more or less authentic. - -It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for -gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of -the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he -didn't. - -MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. - -MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth -while. - - M is for Moses, - Who slew the Egyptian. - As sweet as a rose is - The meekness of Moses. - No monument shows his - Post-mortem inscription, - But M is for Moses - Who slew the Egyptian. - -_The Biographical Alphabet_ - -MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed -to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in -coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen -engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been -disclosed by the manufacturers. - - There was a youth (you've heard before, - This woeful tale, may be), - Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore - That color it would he! - - He shut himself from the world away, - Nor any soul he saw. - He smoked by night, he smoked by day, - As hard as he could draw. - - His dog died moaning in the wrath - Of winds that blew aloof; - The weeds were in the gravel path, - The owl was on the roof. - - "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," - The neighbors sadly say. - And so they batter in the door - To take his goods away. - - Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, - Nut-brown in face and limb. - "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, - "But it has colored him!" - - The moral there's small need to sing-- - 'Tis plain as day to you: - Don't play your game on any thing - That is a gamester too. - -Martin Bulstrode - - -MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. - -MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial -pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. - -MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. - -MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage -and asked Incredulity to dinner. - -METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. - -MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be -screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. - -MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its -chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, -the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing -but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown -to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor -over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," -emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's -conscia recti." - -MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. - -MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. -In diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible -embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification -is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. - -MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. - -MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with -a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can -bear. - -MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and -unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with -four aces and a king. - -MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. -Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present -signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to -the development of our language. - -MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a -felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal -society. - - By misdemeanors he essays to climb - Into the aristocracy of crime. - O, woe was him!--with manner chill and grand - "Captains of industry" refused his hand, - "Kings of finance" denied him recognition - And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. - He robbed a bank to make himself respected. - They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. - -S.V. Hanipur - - -MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the -foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. - -MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. - -MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate -that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are -the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound -and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In -the general abolition of social titles in this our country they -miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be -consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest -Mush, abbreviated to Mh. - -MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is -distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit -of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, -indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the -structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the -atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of -precipitation of matter from ether--whose existence is proved by the -condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific -thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the -molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth -theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more -about the matter than the others. - -MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See -_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to -be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without -manifestation--Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of -considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which -the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentleman. -Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities -needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class ---altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be -confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern -him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct -species. - -MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch -ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects -have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has -still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the -disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political -administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being -somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his -own head. - -MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. - -MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - -MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we -part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite -society. Supportable property. - -MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in -genealogical trees. - -MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary -babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound -by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon--that is -to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable -of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. - - The man who writes in Saxon - Is the man to use an ax on - -Judibras - - -MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of -our religion overlooked the advantages. - -MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which -either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. - - The bones of Agammemnon are a show, - And ruined is his royal monument, - -but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The -monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the -unknown dead"--that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of -those who have left no memory. - -MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. -Having the quality of general expediency. - - It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on - one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other - syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much - conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act - as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. - - _Gooke's Meditations_ - - -MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. - -MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in -Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in -Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female -heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only -Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs -met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even -attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by -declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, -some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from -lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of -the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths -lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical -figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to -lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. - -MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in -New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell -muskeeter. - -MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of -the heart. - -MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted -to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. - -MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. - -MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In -a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude -of counsellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of -equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be -that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting -together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere--as well say -that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains -composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey -him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. - -MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern -civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with -an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the -vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower -animals. - - By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, - Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. - We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, - Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, - Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, - And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. - O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: - For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? - -Scopas Brune - - -MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English -society, the American wife of an English nobleman. - -MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles--particularly when he didn't -lead. - -MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its -origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished -from the true accounts which it invents later. - - - - -N - - -NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The -secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe -that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. - - Juno drank a cup of nectar, - But the draught did not affect her. - Juno drank a cup of rye-- - Then she bad herself good-bye. - -J.G. - - -NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political -problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to -build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, -appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. - -NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who -does all he knows how to make us disobedient. - -NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of -the party. - -NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented -by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but -was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so -far as to be able to say when. - -NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but -Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. - -NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable -annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to -understand it. - -NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious -to incur social distinction and suffer high life. - -NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief -product and authenticating sign of civilization. - -NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To -put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting -of the opposition. - -NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of -private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public -office. - -NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. - -NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent -dictionary. - -NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that -great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the -age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed -that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of -others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that -the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - - There's a man with a Nose, - And wherever he goes - The people run from him and shout: - "No cotton have we - For our ears if so be - He blow that interminous snout!" - - So the lawyers applied - For injunction. "Denied," - Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, - Whate'er it portend, - Appears to transcend - The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." - -Arpad Singiny - - -NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The -kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A -Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending -and descending. - -NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which -merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is -a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of -reasoning--which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and -exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the -endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah -(therefore) for the noumenon! - -NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the -same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is -too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its -successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, -totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read -all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. -To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its -distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal -actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category -of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to -mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; -and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, -imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it -was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace -to its ashes--some of which have a large sale. - -NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - - - - -O - - -OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the -conscience by a penalty for perjury. - -OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from -struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. -Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet -their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory -without an alarm clock. - -OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses -of their predecessors. - -OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and -other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. -Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for -every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently -seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally -driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the -peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a -woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a -hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap -higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in -Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the -soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The -soldier, unfortunately, did not. - -OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. -A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter -an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a -good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good -enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward -"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as -anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete -and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and -sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the -vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a -competent reader. - -OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the -splendor and stress of our advocacy. - -The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most -intelligent animal. - -OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, -however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase -"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such -as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict -us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no -reference to irregular recurrence. - -OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the -Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of -the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, -which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are -the principal industries of the Orient. - -OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made -for man--who has no gills. - -OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as -the advance of an army against its enemy. - -"Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should -say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't -come out of his works!" - -OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with -general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time -and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. - - "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. - "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." - Nature herself approves the Goby rule - And gives us every moment a fresh fool. - -Harley Shum - - -OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. - -Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as -"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever -afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the -vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies -have only to find it. - -OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by -gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and -mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his -appetite. - - His name the smirking tourist scrawls - Upon Minerva's temple walls, - Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, - And marks his appetite's abuse. - -Averil Joop - - -OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. - -ONCE, adv. Enough. - -OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose -inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no -postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word -_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for -his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_)--the ape -that howls. - - The actor apes a man--at least in shape; - The opera performer apes an ape. - -OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into -the jail yard. - -OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. - -OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. - - How lonely he who thinks to vex - With bandinage the Solemn Sex! - Of levity, Mere Man, beware; - None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. - -Percy P. Orminder - - -OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from -running amuck by hamstringing it. - -The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of -government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members -of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of -these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister -carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. -Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. -Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that -if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their -heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. - -"What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions -cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." - -"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is -true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all -is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." - -So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition -embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and -nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the -nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was -defeated--the members of the Government party had not been nailed to -their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put -to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, -and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished -from Ghargaroo. - -OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, -including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and -everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by -those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and -is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a -blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof--an -intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is -hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - -OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. - -A pessimist applied to God for relief. - -"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - -"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that -would justify them." - -"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked -something--the mortality of the optimist." - -ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the -understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. - -ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of -filial ingratitude--a privation appealing with a particular -eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the -orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of -its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It -is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and -eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or -scullery maid. - -ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. - -ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the -ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every -asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since -the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to -be conceded hereafter. - - A spelling reformer indicted - For fudge was before the court cicted. - The judge said: "Enough-- - His candle we'll snough, - And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." - -OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature -has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have -seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working -pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, -the ostrich does not fly. - -OTHERWISE, adv. No better. - -OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of -intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom -of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal -nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the -doer had when he performed it. - -OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. - -OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no -government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire -poets. - - I climbed to the top of a mountain one day - To see the sun setting in glory, - And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, - Of a perfectly splendid story. - - 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode - Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; - Then the man would carry him miles on the road - Till Neddy was pretty well rested. - - The moon rising solemnly over the crest - Of the hills to the east of my station - Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west - Like a visible new creation. - - And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) - Of an idle young woman who tarried - About a church-door for a look at the bride, - Although 'twas herself that was married. - - To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand - Ideas--with thought and emotion. - I pity the dunces who don't understand - The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. - -Stromboli Smith - - -OVATION, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of -one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A -lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to -signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the -hero of the hour and place. - - "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, - But I thought it uncommonly queer, - That people and critics by him had been led - By the ear. - - The Latin lexicon makes his absurd - Assertion as plain as a peg; - In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. - It means egg. - -Dudley Spink - - -OVEREAT, v. To dine. - - Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, - Well skilled to overeat without distress! - Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, - Shows Man's superiority to Beast. - -John Boop - - -OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries -who want to go fishing. - -OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified -not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of -debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and -liabilities. - -OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the -hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are -sometimes given to the poor. - - - - -P - - -PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical -basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely -mental, caused by the good fortune of another. - -PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and -exposing them to the critic. - -Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: -the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between -the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. - -PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great -official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church -is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a -field, or wayside. There is progress. - -PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the -familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed -and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of -invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece -of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. -The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a -considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known -as "benefactions." - -PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's -classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in -"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The -pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very -accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted -plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading -it aloud. - -PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them -have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a -lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the -ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his -pride of distinction. - -PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The -garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of -flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called -"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. - -PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in -contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. - -PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to -the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. - -PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To -add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. - -PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going -abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special -reprobation and outrage. - -PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we -have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the -Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These -two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually -effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow -and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The -Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the -one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential -prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, -beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is -the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They -are one--the knowledge and the dream. - -PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for -intellectual debility. - -PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. - -PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to -those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. - -PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one -ambitious to illuminate his name. - -In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the -last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened -but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two -periods of fighting. - - O, what's the loud uproar assailing - Mine ears without cease? - 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing - The horrors of peace. - - Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it-- - Would marry it, too. - If only they knew how to do it - 'Twere easy to do. - - They're working by night and by day - On their problem, like moles. - Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, - On their meddlesome souls! - -Ro Amil - - -PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an -automobile. - -PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor -with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. - -PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. - -PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the -actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. - -The editor of an English magazine having received a letter -pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed -"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't -agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. - -PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of -Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in -order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution--they -knew no more of the matter than he. - -PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, -but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous -peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in -preparing it. - -PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an -inglorious success. - - "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, - Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. - "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare-- - The one at the goal while the other is--where?" - Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease - Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, - The goal and the rival forgotten alike, - And the long fatigue of the needless hike. - His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew - Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, - He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, - A winner of all that is good in a race. - -Sukker Uffro - - -PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the -observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his -scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - -PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has -trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. - -PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, -following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is -sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always -solemn. - -PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. - -PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." - -PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. - -PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in -art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite -so good as that of a Cheyenne. - -PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. -It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe -with. - -PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs -when well. - -PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by -the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which -is the standard of excellence. - - "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, - "To read the mind's construction in the face." - The physiognomists his portrait scan, - And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! - He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, - So, in his own defence, denied our art." - -Lavatar Shunk - - -PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It -is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the -audience. - -PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus -dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. - -PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome -in three. - - "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view-- - Taken from Life." If that description's true, - Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. - -Jali Hane - - -PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. - - Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. - -Rev. Dr. Mucker - -(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) - - Cold pie is a detestable - American comestible. - That's why I'm done--or undone-- - So far from that dear London. - -(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) - - -PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed -resemblance to man. - - The pig is taught by sermons and epistles - To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. - -Judibras - - -PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human -race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is -inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. - -PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers -in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The -Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians ---who are Hogmies. - -PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was -one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms -through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could -personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. - -PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction ---prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere -virtues and blameless lives. - -PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. - -PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary -encounter with oneself. - -PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. - -PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable -priority and an honorable subsequence. - -PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom -one has never, never read. - -PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for -admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the -Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is -merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless -objectionableness. - -PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an -accidental result. - -PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular -literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of -a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in -artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a -departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose -of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the -sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. - -PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic -Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a -frost. - -PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and -devour it. - -PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. - -PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. - -PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained -nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a -saturated solution. - -PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. - -PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary -is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he -never exert it. - -PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. - -PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the -pen. - -PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the -decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of -ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the -wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanished opportunity. - -POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In -woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her -conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of -others. - -POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the -Magazines. - -POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to -this lexicographer unknown. - -POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. - -POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. - -POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of -principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the -superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he -mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. -As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being -alive. - -POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with -several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which -has but one. - -POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found -in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an -uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the -power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing -independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he -possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech -of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was -known as "The Matter with Kansas." - -PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of -possession. - - His light estate, if neither he did make it - Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, - Is portable improperty, I take it. - -Worgum Slupsky - - -PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They -are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed -with garlic. - -POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - -POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and -affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, -its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. - -POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a -popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure -competitor. - -POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; -indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find -it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as -thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and -diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all -countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of -substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that -liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be -unscientific--and without science we are as the snakes and toads. - -POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The -number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who -suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about -it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues -and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a -prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. - -PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf -of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory -race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily -conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to -have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its -known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and -theologians with a controversy. - -PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in -the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a -Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of -doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has -only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate -those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates -the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the -noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. - -PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. - - Precipitate in all, this sinner - Took action first, and then his dinner. - -Judibras - - -PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to -programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of -foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does -not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other -doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough -to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. -With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a -reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. - -PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. - -PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. - -PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. - -PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the -erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. - -An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no -better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. -"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." - -It is longer. - -PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. -Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. - - He lived in a period prehistoric, - When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. - Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, - Set down great events in succession and order, - He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous - In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and -a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. - -PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. - -PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government -authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. - -PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the -situation with least harm to the patient. - -PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of -disappointment from the realm of hope. - -PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time -and place. - -In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony -if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in -New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he -must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. - -PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable -result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He -presided at the piccolo." - - The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, - Read with a solemn face: - "The music was very uncommonly grand-- - The best that was every provided, - For our townsman Brown presided - At the organ with skill and grace." - The Headliner discontinued to read, - And, spread the paper down - On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: - "Great playing by President Brown." - -Orpheus Bowen - - -PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American -politics. - -PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom-- -and of whom only--it is positively known that immense numbers of -their countrymen did not want any of them for President. - - If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater - To have been a simple and undamned spectator. - Behold in me a man of mark and note - Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!-- - An undiscredited, unhooted gent - Who might, for all we know, be President - By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer-- - I'm passing with a wide and open ear! - -Jonathan Fomry - - -PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar state. - -PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of -conscience in demanding it. - -PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported -by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the -Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies -Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is -commonly dead. - -PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us -that-- - - "Stone walls do not a prison make," - -but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the -moral instructor is no garden of sweets. - -PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his -knapsack and an impediment in his hope. - -PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him -in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. -For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. - -Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the -illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and -answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high -promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous -humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No -successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of -_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and -sweetness of his personal character. - -PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly -these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, -with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could -supply--the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of -prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into -favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its -capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of -propulsion. - -PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of -unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to -that of only one. - -PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing -nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. - -PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may -be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the -passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The -object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. - -PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for -future delivery. - -PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually -forbidden. - - Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes-- - O'er Ceylon blow your breath, - Where every prospect pleases, - Save only that of death. - -Bishop Sheber - - -PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the -person so describing it. - -PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. - -PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in -a cone of critics. - -PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, -especially in politics. The other is Pull. - -PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It -consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its -modern professors have added that. - - - - -Q - - -QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, -and through whom it is ruled when there is not. - -QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly -wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its -modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting -Presence. - -QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the -aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. - - He extracted from his quiver, - Did the controversial Roman, - An argument well fitted - To the question as submitted, - Then addressed it to the liver, - Of the unpersuaded foeman. - -Oglum P. Boomp - - -QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into -the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily -denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name -is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. - - When ignorance from out of our lives can banish - Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. - -Juan Smith - - -QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to -have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United -States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on -Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of -Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. - -QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. -The words erroneously repeated. - - Intent on making his quotation truer, - He sought the page infallible of Brewer, - Then made a solemn vow that he would be - Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! - -Stumpo Gaker - - -QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging -to one person is contained in the pocket of another--usually about -as many times as it can be got there. - - - - -R - - -RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority -tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred -Simurgh, of Arabian fable--omnipotent on condition that it do -nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in -our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") - -RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading -devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to -the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now -held in light popular esteem. - -RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. - - He held at court a rank so high - That other noblemen asked why. - "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack - His skill to scratch the royal back." - -Aramis Jukes - - -RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, -nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. - -RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. - -RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point -out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained -that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and -that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared -after the recipe of a she banker. - -RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. - -RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded -intellect. - -RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. - - "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let - These gamblers take your cash." - "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! - How can you be so rash?" - -Bootle P. Gish - - -RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, -experience and reflection. - -RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. - -RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, -by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to -affirm his worth. - -REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within -which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the -propensity to provide. - - This is a truth, as old as the hills, - That life and experience teach: - The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, - An impediment in his reach. - -G.J. - - -READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it -consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and -humor in slang. - - We know by one's reading - His learning and breeding; - By what draws his laughter - We know his Hereafter. - Read nothing, laugh never-- - The Sphinx was less clever! - -Jupiter Muke - - -RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the -affairs of to-day. - -RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ -that a scientist is a fool with. - -RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get -away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose -the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits -him to make the transit with great expedition. - -RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, -otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings -of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our -earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the -White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of -the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a -brick. - -REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The -charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a -measuring-worm. - -REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain -in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. - -REALLY, adv. Apparently. - -REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army -that is nearest to Congress. - -REASON, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. - -REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. - -REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. -Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. - -REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish -it. - -RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously -known. - -RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for -the purpose of digging up the dead. - -RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. - -RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded -to the player against whom they are loaded. - -RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general -fatigue. - -RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform -and from a soldier by his gait. - - Fresh from the farm or factory or street, - His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, - Were an impressive martial spectacle - Except for two impediments--his feet. - -Thompson Johnson - - -RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the -parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. - -REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, -through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The -doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy -religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have -everlasting life in which to try to understand it. - - We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, - And take some special measure for redeeming it; - Though hard indeed the task to get it in - Among the angels any way but teaming it, - Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. - I'm awkward at Redemption--a beginner: - My method is to crucify the sinner. - -Golgo Brone - - -REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. - -Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the -king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of -the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own -naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and -it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. - -RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red--at -least not on the outside. - -REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. - - The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant - To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." - To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, - Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." - -Habeeb Suleiman - - - Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. - -Theodore Roosevelt - - -REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a -popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. - -REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view -of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the -perils that we shall not again encounter. - -REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to -reformation. - -REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and -Joshua provided six cities of refuge--Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, -Schekem and Hebron--to which one who had taken life inadvertently -could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable -expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to -enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was -appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of -early Greece. - -REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand -in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a -rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by -a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of -finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the -refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by -some casuists the refusal assentive. - -REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such -ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of -Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League -of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society -of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Gorgeous Regalians; -Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of -the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long -Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the -Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant -Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining -Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of -the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the -Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the -Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of -Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; -Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; -Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the -Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient -Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; -Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of -Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; -the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of -Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; -Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. - -RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the -nature of the Unknowable. - - "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. - "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." - "Then why do you not become an atheist?" - "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." - "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." - -RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the -true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the -lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. -Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent -the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable -times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once -escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of -the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three -times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan -in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the -library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was -seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the -diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the -Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. - -RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame--a -little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable -than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and -inconsiderate hand. - - I touched the harp in every key, - But found no heeding ear; - And then Ithuriel touched me - With a revealing spear. - - Not all my genius, great as 'tis, - Could urge me out of night. - I felt the faint appulse of his, - And leapt into the light! - -W.J. Candleton - - -REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted -from the satisfaction felt in committing it. - -REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a -constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to -offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. - -REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It -is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not -inconsistent with continuity of sin. - - Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, - You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? - How needless!--Nick will keep you off the coals - And add you to the woes of other souls. - -Jomater Abemy - - -REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made -the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which -is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the -replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful -than it looks. - -REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it -with a tempest of words. - - "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou - Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" - So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew - Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." - -Barson Maith - - -REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. - -REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House -in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. - -REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal -prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, -whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his -conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are -predestined to salvation. - -REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing -governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to -enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of -public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from -ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. -There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between -the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. - -REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the -winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of -providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. - -RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. - -RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an -advantage for a greater advantage. - - 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed - A true renunciation - Of title, rank and every kind - Of military station-- - Each honorable station. - - By his example fired--inclined - To noble emulation, - The country humbly was resigned - To Leonard's resignation-- - His Christian resignation. - -Politian Greame - - -RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. - -RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head -and a bank account. - -RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an -inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its -passage to the lungs. - -RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, -to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have -been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of -a disagreeable expectation. - - Altgeld upon his incandescent bed - Lay, an attendant demon at his head. - - "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief-- - Some respite from the roast, however brief." - - "Remember how on earth I pardoned all - Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." - - "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm - O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. - - "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, - Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. - - "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, - Not even the memory of who you are." - - Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; - Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. - - "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be - As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." - - "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack - You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." - - A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide - While they were turning him on t'other side. - -Joel Spate Woop - - -RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in -his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an -elemental unit of a parade. - - The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- - and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. - -"Chronicles of the Classes" - - -RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness -of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external -coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, -responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is -to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, -incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. - -RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the -shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days -of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. - - Alas, things ain't what we should see - If Eve had let that apple be; - And many a feller which had ought - To set with monarchses of thought, - Or play some rosy little game - With battle-chaps on fields of fame, - Is downed by his unlucky star - And hollers: "Peanuts!--here you are!" - -"The Sturdy Beggar" - - -RESTITUTION, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public -libraries by gift or bequest. - -RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. - -RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of -Law. - -RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon -the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by -evicting them. - -In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father -Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the -imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking -exercise: - - What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go - Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? - Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? - 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, - And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at - Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know - That empires are ungrateful; are you certain - Republics are less handy to get hurt in? - -REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields -no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the -American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that -pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their -misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. - -REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed -all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know -nothing. - -REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a -man. - -REVIEW, v.t. - - To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, - Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) - At work upon a book, and so read out of it - The qualities that you have first read into it. - -REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of -misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of -the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the -welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. -Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of -blood, but are accounted worth it--this appraisement being made by -beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The -French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; -when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are -inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law -and order. - -RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for -precious metals in the pocket of a fool. - -RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. - -RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. -The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been -used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious -writers of the fifteenth century--commonly, indeed, regarded as the -founder of the Fastidiotic School. - -RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular -novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the -conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, -and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. - -RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property -of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the -luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the -Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid -advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. - -RICHES, n. - - A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in - whom I am well pleased." - -John D. Rockefeller - - - The reward of toil and virtue. - -J.P. Morgan - - - The savings of many in the hands of one. - -Eugene Debs - -To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels -that he can add nothing of value. - -RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are -uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who -utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. -Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth--a -ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone -centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. -What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine -of Infant Respectability? - -RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right -to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have -measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally -believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is -still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the -enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir -Abednego Bink, following: - - By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? - Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? - He surely were as stubborn as a mule - Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour - His uninvited session on the throne, or air - His pride securely in the Presidential chair. - - Whatever is is so by Right Divine; - Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! - It were a wondrous thing if His design - A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! - If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) - Is guilty of contributory negligence. - -RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the -Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some -feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it -into several European countries, but it appears to have been -imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found -in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic -passage from which is here given: - - "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of - mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to - the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and - just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; - and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my - injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be - wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty - to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be - righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, - in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better - disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." - -RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The -verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually -(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." - -RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. - - The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, - The sound surceases and the sense expires. - Then the domestic dog, to east and west, - Expounds the passions burning in his breast. - The rising moon o'er that enchanted land - Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. - -Mowbray Myles - - -RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent -bystanders. - -R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting an -indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, -however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in -pulvis_. - -RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept -or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out -of it. - -RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear -freedom, keeping off the grass. - -ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is -too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. - - All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, - Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. - -Borey the Bald - - -ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. - It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling -companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, -and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once -there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he -was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." - -ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as -They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to -probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance -it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination--free, -lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as -Carlyle might say--a mere reporter. He may invent his characters -and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not -occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes -this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a -lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick -volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black -profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, -for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it -remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we -have is "The Thousand and One Nights." - -ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they -too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's -whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex -electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is -rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. - -ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In -America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically -expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. - -ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English -civil war--so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, -whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other -points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the -fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because -the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair -grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly -barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal -neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. -Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the -fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this -day beneath the snows of British civility. - -RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, -literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions -lying due south from Boreaplas. - -RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the -virtue of maids. - -RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total -abstainers. - -RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. - - Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, - By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, - O serviceable Rumor, let me wield - Against my enemy no other blade. - His be the terror of a foe unseen, - His the inutile hand upon the hilt, - And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, - Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. - So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, - Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, - And nurse my valor for another foe. - -Joel Buxter - - -RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A -Tartar Emetic. - - - - -S - - -SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God -made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the -Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this -is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy -neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient -that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early -Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of -the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious -jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is -reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water -version of the Fourth Commandment: - - Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, - And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. - -Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the -captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine -ordinance. - -SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a -priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge -that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the -Neo-Dictionarians. - -SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of -authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, -but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can -afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller -sects have no sacraments at all--for which mean economy they will -indubitable be damned. - -SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine -character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama -of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the -Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; -the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. - - All things are either sacred or profane. - The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; - The latter to the devil appertain. - -Dumbo Omohundro - - -SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of -Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences -gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the -traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally -bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent -and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon -California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of -solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and -"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably -suggestive. - -SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent -the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the -hoisting apparatus. - - Once I seen a human ruin - In an elevator-well, - And his members was bestrewin' - All the place where he had fell. - - And I says, apostrophisin' - That uncommon woful wreck: - "Your position's so surprisin' - That I tremble for your neck!" - - Then that ruin, smilin' sadly - And impressive, up and spoke: - "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, - For it's been a fortnight broke." - - Then, for further comprehension - Of his attitude, he begs - I will focus my attention - On his various arms and legs-- - - How they all are contumacious; - Where they each, respective, lie; - How one trotter proves ungracious, - T'other one an _alibi_. - - These particulars is mentioned - For to show his dismal state, - Which I wasn't first intentioned - To specifical relate. - - None is worser to be dreaded - That I ever have heard tell - Than the gent's who there was spreaded - In that elevator-well. - - Now this tale is allegoric-- - It is figurative all, - For the well is metaphoric - And the feller didn't fall. - - I opine it isn't moral - For a writer-man to cheat, - And despise to wear a laurel - As was gotten by deceit. - - For 'tis Politics intended - By the elevator, mind, - It will boost a person splendid - If his talent is the kind. - - Col. Bryan had the talent - (For the busted man is him) - And it shot him up right gallant - Till his head begun to swim. - - Then the rope it broke above him - And he painful come to earth - Where there's nobody to love him - For his detrimented worth. - - Though he's livin' none would know him, - Or at leastwise not as such. - Moral of this woful poem: - Frequent oil your safety-clutch. - -Porfer Poog - - -SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. - -The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old -calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis -de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear -that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate -things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a -perfect gentleman, though a fool." - -SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in -popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, -who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are -occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked -harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are -tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. - -SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an -anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now -believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account -having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it -with a bucket of holy water. - -SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a -certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of -devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern -obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. - -SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in -sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made -himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from -Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a -moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like -to ask," said he. - -"Name it." - -"Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." - -"What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn -of eternity with hatred of his soul--you ask for the right to make -his laws?" - -"Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them -himself." - -It was so ordered. - -SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten -its contents, madam. - -SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the -vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with -imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a -sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we -are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all -humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans -are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not -generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the -satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave, and his ever -victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. - - Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung - In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, - For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well-- - Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. - Had it been such as consecrates the Bible - Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. - -Barney Stims - - -SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded -recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at -first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose -allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and -improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a -later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and -more like a goat. - -SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. -A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one -sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented -and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. - -SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and -colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. -Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. - - A penny saved is a penny to squander. - - A man is known by the company that he organizes. - - A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. - - A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. - - Better late than before anybody has invited you. - - Example is better than following it. - - Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. - - Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. - - What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. - - Least said is soonest disavowed. - - He laughs best who laughs least. - - Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. - - Of two evils choose to be the least. - - Strike while your employer has a big contract. - - Where there's a will there's a won't. - -SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to -our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, -the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit -of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it -to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal -reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior -beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. - -SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. - - He fell by his own hand - Beneath the great oak tree. - He'd traveled in a foreign land. - He tried to make her understand - The dance that's called the Saraband, - But he called it Scarabee. - He had called it so through an afternoon, - And she, the light of his harem if so might be, - Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, - All frosted there in the shine o' the moon-- - Dead for a Scarabee - And a recollection that came too late. - O Fate! - They buried him where he lay, - He sleeps awaiting the Day, - In state, - And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, - Gloom over the grave and then move on. - Dead for a Scarabee! - Fernando Tapple - -SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. -The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot -iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent -spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, -with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. -The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to -yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is -conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of -grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a -penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. - -SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his -authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign -admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the -bones of their proponents. - -SCIMITAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of -which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the -incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated -from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth -century. - - When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to - decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after - the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his - Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man - who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! - "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged - monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and - have your head struck off by the public executioner at three - o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" - "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the - condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is - a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and - vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I - ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The - executioner appeared with his bare scimitar, ostentatiously - whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, - strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a - favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable - and treasonous head." - "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled - caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. - "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh--I - know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." - "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an - attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the - Presence. - "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" - roared the sovereign--"why didst thou but lightly tap the neck - that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" - "Lord of Cranes an Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, - unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." - Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted - like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung - violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered - peacefully to the close, without incident. - All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as - white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled - and his breath came in gasps of terror. - "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a - ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly - because in flourishing the scimitar I had accidentally passed it - through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." - So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and - advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. - -SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many -persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing -whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to -collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, -by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: - - Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast - You keep a record true - Of every kind of peppered roast - That's made of you; - - Wherein you paste the printed gibes - That revel round your name, - Thinking the laughter of the scribes - Attests your fame; - - Where all the pictures you arrange - That comic pencils trace-- - Your funny figure and your strange - Semitic face-- - - Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, - Nor art, but there I'll list - The daily drubbings you'd have got - Had God a fist. - -SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to -one's own. - -SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as -distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other -faiths are based. - -SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest -their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, -and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, -in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing -important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical -efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the -British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a -sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other -devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in -many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are -appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless -custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote -utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense -evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our -word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the -learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence -of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were -formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will -serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., -commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum -sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used ---an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the -beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested -as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take -their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. - -SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of -environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are -more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with -small, cut stones. - - The devil casting a seine of lace, - (With precious stones 'twas weighted) - Drew it into the landing place - And its contents calculated. - - All souls of women were in that sack-- - A draft miraculous, precious! - But ere he could throw it across his back - They'd all escaped through the meshes. - -Baruch de Loppis - - -SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. - -SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. - -SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. - -SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and -misdemeanors. - -SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, -creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. -Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding -chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a -synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read -_them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. - -The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly -paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to -us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the -installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world -without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday -morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he -found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His -collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship -and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. - -SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held -individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are -believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the -lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could -not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. - - Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind - Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; - Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay-- - His small belongings their appointed prey; - Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, - Persuaded elsewhere every little while! - His fire unquenched and his undying worm - By "land in severalty" (charming term!) - Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, - And he to his new holding anchored fast! - -SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose -most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern -States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. - - John Elmer Pettibone Cajee - (I write of him with little glee) - Was just as bad as he could be. - - 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! - The sun has never looked upon - So bad a man as Neighbor John." - - A sinner through and through, he had - This added fault: it made him mad - To know another man was bad. - - In such a case he thought it right - To rise at any hour of night - And quench that wicked person's light. - - Despite the town's entreaties, he - Would hale him to the nearest tree - And leave him swinging wide and free. - - Or sometimes, if the humor came, - A luckless wight's reluctant frame - Was given to the cheerful flame. - - While it was turning nice and brown, - All unconcerned John met the frown - Of that austere and righteous town. - - "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he - So scornful of the law should be-- - An anar c, h, i, s, t." - - (That is the way that they preferred - To utter the abhorrent word, - So strong the aversion that it stirred.) - - "Resolved," they said, continuing, - "That Badman John must cease this thing - Of having his unlawful fling. - - "Now, by these sacred relics"--here - Each man had out a souvenir - Got at a lynching yesteryear-- - - "By these we swear he shall forsake - His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache - By sins of rope and torch and stake. - - "We'll tie his red right hand until - He'll have small freedom to fulfil - The mandates of his lawless will." - - So, in convention then and there, - They named him Sheriff. The affair - Was opened, it is said, with prayer. - -J. Milton Sloluck - - -SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt -to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any -lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing -performance. - -SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) -with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue -what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in -accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of -setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. - -SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is -used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer -who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" -it is seen at its best: - - The wheels go round without a sound-- - The maidens hold high revel; - In sinful mood, insanely gay, - True spinsters spin adown the way - From duty to the devil! - They laugh, they sing, and--ting-a-ling! - Their bells go all the morning; - Their lanterns bright bestar the night - Pedestrians a-warning. - With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, - Good-Lording and O-mying, - Her rheumatism forgotten quite, - Her fat with anger frying. - She blocks the path that leads to wrath, - Jack Satan's power defying. - The wheels go round without a sound - The lights burn red and blue and green. - What's this that's found upon the ground? - Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! - -John William Yope - - -SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished -from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is -that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began -by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men -ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of -words. - - His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, - And drags his sophistry to light of day; - Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort - To falsehood of so desperate a sort. - Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, - He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. - -Polydore Smith - - -SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political -influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was -punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor -peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to -compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the -suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his -tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing -it. - -SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave -disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of -existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of -eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became -philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had -least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and -despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the -broad-browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, -was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be -quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. - -"Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of -_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than -that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath -her seat in the abdomen--in which faith we may discern and interpret -a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men -most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' ---why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him -to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and -majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach -are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who -nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that -its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of -the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. -This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek -of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according -to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse -clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the -public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which -firmly though civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, -anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles -shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, -and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and -richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, -though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His -Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly -revere) will assent to its dissemination." - -SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with -supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of -the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, -who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and -mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror -that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells -ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another -township. - -STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories -here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. - -One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated -at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. - -"Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, -is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its -authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the -Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" - -"I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did -not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who -wrote it." - -Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was -addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a -stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back -and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be -haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had -been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is -putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' -nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the -loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their -courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. - -"Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as -this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And -you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" - -"My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal -cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am -afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and -I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." - -Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were -standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the -question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the -middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that -band before. Santlemann's, I think." - -"I don't hear any band," said Schley. - -"Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General -Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in -the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions -pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." - -While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy -General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. -When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two -observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its -effulgence-- - -"He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. - -"There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys -one-half so well." - - -The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile -from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town -on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a -street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of -teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a -dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, -said: - -"Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. -He'll roast, sure!--he was smoking as I passed him." - -"O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate -smoker." - -The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that -it was not right. - -He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a -stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had -put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted -to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule -loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another -man entered the saloon. - -"For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that -mule, barkeeper: it smells." - -"Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in -Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." - -In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, -apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. -The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the -body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much -of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that -night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the -misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon -emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook -it, and passed the night in town. - -General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a -pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but -imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the -General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is -named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing -his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. - -"You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, -"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps?--and with my coat -on!" - -Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the -manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned -with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an -empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably -entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful -progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: - -"Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you -about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" - -General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. - -"Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking -of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room -fifteen minutes." - -SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In -literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are -exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines -by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious -reason, "John A. Joyce." - - The bard who would prosper must carry a book, - Do his thinking in prose and wear - A crimson cravat, a far-away look - And a head of hexameter hair. - Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; - If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. - -SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right -of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, -as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another -man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name -of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned -for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is -himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he -profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater -weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a -woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female -responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to -jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back -into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. - -SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he -may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an -editor. - - As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased - To fix itself upon a part diseased - Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, - It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, - So the base sycophant with joy descries - His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, - Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, - Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. - Gelasma, if it paid you to devote - Your talent to the service of a goat, - Showing by forceful logic that its beard - Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; - If to the task of honoring its smell - Profit had prompted you, and love as well, - The world would benefit at last by you - And wealthy malefactors weep anew-- - Your favor for a moment's space denied - And to the nobler object turned aside. - Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires - Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, - Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly - To safer villainies of darker dye, - Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, - To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread - May see you groveling their boots to lick - And begging for the favor of a kick? - Still must you follow to the bitter end - Your sycophantic disposition's trend, - And in your eagerness to please the rich - Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? - In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, - And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! - What's Satan done that him you should eschew? - He too is reeking rich--deducting _you_. - -SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor -assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) - -SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when -the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory -smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were -allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, -in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of -the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they -had progeny they must have nested in inaccessible places, none of the -chicks having ever been seen. - -SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for -something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals"--things which -having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have -inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on -memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the -dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that -conceals our helplessness. - -SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation -of symbols. - - They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; - I hold that that's the stomach's function, - For of the sinner I have noted - That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, - Or ill some other ghastly fashion - Within that bowel of compassion. - True, I believe the only sinner - Is he that eats a shabby dinner. - You know how Adam with good reason, - For eating apples out of season, - Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: - The truth is, Adam had the colic. - -G.J. - - - - -T - - -T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks -absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the -form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone -(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified -_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." - -TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal -passion for irresponsibility. - - Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, - Took Madam P. to table, - And there deliriously fed - As fast as he was able. - - "I dote upon good grub," he cried, - Intent upon its throatage. - "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, - "You're in your _table d'hotage_." - -Associated Poets - - -TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its -natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of -its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a -privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness -by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a -marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail -should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable -in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong -and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now -generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually -susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan -past. - -TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. - -TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an -impulse without purpose. - -TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the -domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - - The Enemy of Human Souls - Sat grieving at the cost of coals; - For Hell had been annexed of late, - And was a sovereign Southern State. - - "It were no more than right," said he, - "That I should get my fuel free. - The duty, neither just nor wise, - Compels me to economize-- - Whereby my broilers, every one, - Are execrably underdone. - What would they have?--although I yearn - To do them nicely to a turn, - I can't afford an honest heat. - This tariff makes even devils cheat! - I'm ruined, and my humble trade - All rascals may at will invade: - Beneath my nose the public press - Outdoes me in sulphureousness; - The bar ingeniously applies - To my undoing my own lies; - My medicines the doctors use - (Albeit vainly) to refuse - To me my fair and rightful prey - And keep their own in shape to pay; - The preachers by example teach - What, scorning to perform, I teach; - And statesmen, aping me, all make - More promises than they can break. - Against such competition I - Lift up a disregarded cry. - Since all ignore my just complaint, - By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" - Now, the Republicans, who all - Are saints, began at once to bawl - Against _his_ competition; so - There was a devil of a go! - They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete - In acrimonious debate, - Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, - Had hopes of coming by their own. - That evil to avert, in haste - The two belligerents embraced; - But since 'twere wicked to relax - A tittle of the Sacred Tax, - 'Twas finally agreed to grant - The bold Insurgent-protestant - A bounty on each soul that fell - Into his ineffectual Hell. - -Edam Smith - - -TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for -slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words -were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook -upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and -the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted -by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words -did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, -that being only an inference. - -TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many -fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an -authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious -source--the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum -Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something -that saddens. - -TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, -sometimes tolerably totally. - -TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the -advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that -of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us -with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a -bell summoning us to the sacrifice. - -TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to -the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand -of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in -politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a -Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to -his accounting: - - Of such tenacity his grip - That nothing from his hand can slip. - Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm - In tubs of liquid slippery-elm - In vain--from his detaining pinch - They cannot struggle half an inch! - 'Tis lucky that he so is planned - That breath he draws not with his hand, - For if he did, so great his greed - He'd draw his last with eager speed. - Nay, that were well, you say. Not so - He'd draw but never let it go! - -THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion -and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with -the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this -earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough -for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime -does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to -wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good--that is perfection; -and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that -everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. -Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem -neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and -fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had -no cat. - -TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the -general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. -Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss -Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as -to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of -ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that -nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory -was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the -conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as -to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! -It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's -aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what -was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that -sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of -exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost -arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts -themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there -is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its -hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the -stage. - -TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent -invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long -tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, -the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be -innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the -soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally -accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has -been greatly dignified. - -TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. -In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping -nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted -against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down -like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand -beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two -hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. -With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate -Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers -ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every -conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that -drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too -righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the -canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially -augmented the nation's military power. - -TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for -the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: - - -TO MY PET TORTOISE - - - My friend, you are not graceful--not at all; - Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. - - Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's - To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. - - As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. - 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. - - No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, - A certain firmness--mostly you're [sic] backbone. - - Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) - Are virtues that the great know how to use-- - - I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, - You lack--excuse my mentioning it--Soul. - - So, to be candid, unreserved and true, - I'd rather you were I than I were you. - - Perhaps, however, in a time to be, - When Man's extinct, a better world may see - - Your progeny in power and control, - Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. - - So I salute you as a reptile grand - Predestined to regenerate the land. - - Father of Possibilities, O deign - To accept the homage of a dying reign! - - In the far region of the unforeknown - I dream a tortoise upon every throne. - - I see an Emperor his head withdraw - Into his carapace for fear of Law; - - A King who carries something else than fat, - Howe'er acceptably he carries that; - - A President not strenuously bent - On punishment of audible dissent-- - - Who never shot (it were a vain attack) - An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; - - Subject and citizens that feel no need - To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; - - All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, - And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. - - O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, - My glorious testudinous regime! - - I wish in Eden you'd brought this about - By slouching in and chasing Adam out. - -TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal -apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear -only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the -tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor -in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit -(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the -public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general -welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no -discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the -lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following -passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: - - While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof - I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in - it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as - followeth: - "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall - see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye - King his Majesty." - And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr - tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. - -_Trauvells in ye Easte_ - - -TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the -blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to -effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person -of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If -the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo -such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable -sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the -accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval -times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A -beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly -arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public -executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards -were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after -testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in -contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, -where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a -street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the -viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and -punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, -but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates -from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, -dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their -conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches -infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, -instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some -of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This -was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to -leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of -incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this -_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved -the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable -jurisdiction. - -TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. - -Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian -physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as -trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an -immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork -every other day." - -"Pork?" shrieked the patient--"pork? Nothing shall induce me to -touch it!" - -"Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. - -"I swear it!" - -"Good!--then I will undertake to cure you." - -TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, -three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate -deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not -dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually -their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the -most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because -it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of -theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not -understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that -contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the -former as a part of the latter. - -TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic -period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of -troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony -consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was -in debt, and every one that was discontented"--in brief, all the -Socialists of Judah. - -TRUCE, n. Friendship. - -TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. -Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the -most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of -existing with increasing activity to the end of time. - -TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. - -TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in -greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in -the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors -and public enemies. - -TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious -anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and -gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. - -TWICE, adv. Once too often. - -TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying -civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this -incomparable dictionary. - -TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) -whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy -for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American -novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). - - - - -U - - -UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, -but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an -attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important -distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the -mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain -Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were -known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, -for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that -sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In -recent times ubiquity has not always been understood--not even by -Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two -places at once unless he is a bird. - -UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue -without humility. - -ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to -concessions. - -Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry -met to consider it. - -"O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk -to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable -soldiers have we in arms?" - -"Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining -his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" - -"And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts -of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious -Navy. - -"Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they -are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars -of Heaven!" - -For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial -Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was -calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the -die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he -advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." - -UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. - -UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction -consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of -the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite -had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was -discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other -could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: -"Then I'll be damned if I die!" - -"My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." - -UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to -know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and -laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and -Kant, who lived in a horse. - - His understanding was so keen - That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, - He could interpret without fail - If he was in or out of jail. - He wrote at Inspiration's call - Deep disquisitions on them all, - Then, pent at last in an asylum, - Performed the service to compile 'em. - So great a writer, all men swore, - They never had not read before. - -Jorrock Wormley - - -UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. - -UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons -of another faith. - -URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to -dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is -heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with -disregard of the rights of others. - - The owner of a powder mill - Was musing on a distant hill-- - Something his mind foreboded-- - When from the cloudless sky there fell - A deviled human kidney! Well, - The man's mill had exploded. - His hat he lifted from his head; - "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; - "I didn't know 'twas loaded." - -Swatkin - - -USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and -Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent -reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to -produce books that will live as long as the fashion. - -UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own -wife. - - - - -V - - -VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's -hope. - -"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and -Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." - -"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am -persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring -them into collision with the enemy." - -VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. - - They say that hens do cackle loudest when - There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; - And there are hens, professing to have made - A study of mankind, who say that men - Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen - Make the most clamorous fanfaronade - O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid - They're not entirely different from the hen. - Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, - His blazing breeches and high-towering cap-- - Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, - Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! - Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue - Is that in battle he will never hurt you? - -Hannibal Hunsiker - - -VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. - -VITUPERATION, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as -suffer from an impediment in their wit. - -VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a -fool of himself and a wreck of his country. - - - - -W - - -W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only -cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This -advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued -after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like -_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other -agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been -concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise -of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that -by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our -civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. - -WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That -Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every -unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and -good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. - - Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call - To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" - Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; - Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, - Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, - Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: - Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray-- - Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! - While still you're possessed of a single baubee - (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) - 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance - Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. - For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, - Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! - -Anonymus Bink - - -WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing -political condition is a period of international amity. The student -of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly -boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare -for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, -not merely that all things earthly have an end--that change is the -one immutable and eternal law--but that the soil of peace is thickly -sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination -and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure -dome"--when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in -Xanadu--that he - - heard from afar - Ancestral voices prophesying war. - -One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of -men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us -have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of -that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to -come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide -the night. - -WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of -governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to -him it should be said that he did not want to. - - They took away his vote and gave instead - The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. - In vain--he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, - To come again and part him from his roll. - -Offenbach Stutz - - -WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she -holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the -service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. - -WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of -conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have -inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal -ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather -bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments -are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. - - Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, - And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be-- - Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, - With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. - While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, - From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. - He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote - On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote-- - For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: - "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." - -Halcyon Jones - - -WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, -one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become -supportable. - -WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All -werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to -gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as -humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. - -Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it -to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was -there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told -them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its -human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the -good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning -you will find a Lutheran." - -WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected -affliction that strikes hard. - - Should you ask me whence this laughter, - Whence this audible big-smiling, - With its labial extension, - With its maxillar distortion - And its diaphragmic rhythmus - Like the billowing of an ocean, - Like the shaking of a carpet, - I should answer, I should tell you: - From the great deeps of the spirit, - From the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soul this laughter welleth - As the fountain, the gug-guggle, - Like the river from the canon [sic], - To entoken and give warning - That my present mood is sunny. - Should you ask me further question-- - Why the great deeps of the spirit, - Why the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soule extrudes this laughter, - This all audible big-smiling, - I should answer, I should tell you - With a white heart, tumpitumpy, - With a true tongue, honest Injun: - William Bryan, he has Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - - Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, - Standing silent in the kneedeep - With his wing-tips crossed behind him - And his neck close-reefed before him, - With his bill, his william, buried - In the down upon his bosom, - With his head retracted inly, - While his shoulders overlook it? - Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Shiver grayly in the north wind, - Wishing he had died when little, - As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? - No 'tis not the Shankank standing, - Standing in the gray and dismal - Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. - No, 'tis peerless William Bryan - Realizing that he's Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - -WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some -difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are -said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other -people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff -palatable. - -WHITE, adj. and n. Black. - -WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to -take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one -of the most marked features of his character. - -WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union -as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift -to man. - -WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his -intellectual cookery by leaving it out. - -WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league -with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in -wickedness a league beyond the devil. - -WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom -noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." - -WOMAN, n. - - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a - rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by - many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility - acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the - postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, - deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, - it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all - beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from - Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular - name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. - The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the - American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be - taught not to talk. - -Balthasar Pober - - -WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw -material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the -Grantarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that -houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work -in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for -himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by -contrast the foreknown futility. - - Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! - How profitless the labor you bestow - Upon a dwelling whose magnificence - The tenant neither can admire nor know. - - Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, - The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan - By shouldering asunder all the stones - In what to you would be a moment's span. - - Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies - That when your marble is all dust, arise, - If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn-- - You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. - - What though of all man's works your tomb alone - Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? - Would it advantage you to dwell therein - Forever as a stain upon a stone? - -Joel Huck - - -WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and -fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an -element of pride. - -WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to -exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," -"the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was -deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for -its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks -before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the -frying-pan of the wrath of Chryses into the fire of the wrath of -Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor -roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred -the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom -paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of -the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. - - - - -X - - -X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility -to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will -doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten -dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, -as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the -corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name ---_Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. -Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of -psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are -Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. - - - - -Y - - -YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our -Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. -(See DAMNYANK.) - -YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - -YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire -past of age. - - But yesterday I should have thought me blest - To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak - Of middle life and look adown the bleak - And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, - Where solemn shadows all the land invest - And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak - Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak - The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. - Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame - To stay the shadow on the dial's face - At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name - I chide aloud the little interspace - Disparting me from Certitude, and fain - Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. - -Baruch Arnegriff - - -It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was -attended at different times by seven doctors. - -YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe -one of the most illuminating words in our language--a word that -defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. -A thousand apologies for withholding it. - -YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, -Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of -endowing a living Homer. - - Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth - again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with - whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and - cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never - is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, - howling, is cast into Baltimost! - -Polydore Smith - - - - -Z - - -ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with -ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the -ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters -of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as -we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an -example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another -excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the -rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the -devil. - -ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the -eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best -known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that -occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied -a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to -the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated -remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city -persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down -to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair -of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge -of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. -Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great -nations, she was the Sultana. - -ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and -inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. - - When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward - He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" - "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. - "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." - -Jum Coople - - -ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man -standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot -is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the -matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some -holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were -called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The -Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the -philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an -assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a -severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to -determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the -heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the -Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever -opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its -place among _fides defuncti_. - -ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter -and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers -who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to -have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought -that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his -monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives -are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he -worships under many sacred names. - -ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one -carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an -Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) - - He zedjagged so uncomen wyde - Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; - So, to com saufly thruh, I been - Constreynet for to doodge betwene. - -Munwele - - -ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including -its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology -was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother -has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious -expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we -learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated -Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Devil’s Dictionary</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Ambrose Bierce</div> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July, 1997 [eBook #972]<br /> -[Most recently updated: June 27, 2021]</div> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Aloysius and David Widger</div> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY ***</div> - - <h1> - THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY - </h1> - - <h2> - by Ambrose Bierce - </h2> - - <hr /> - -<h2>CONTENTS</h2> - -<table summary="" style=""> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> AUTHOR'S PREFACE </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> A</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> B </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> C </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> D </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> E </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> F </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> G </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> H </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> I </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> J </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> K </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> L </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> M </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> N </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> O </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> P </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Q </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> R </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> S </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> T </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> U </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> V </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> W </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> X </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> Y </a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Z </a></td> -</tr> - -</table> - - <hr /> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"></a> - AUTHOR'S PREFACE - </h2> - <p> - <i>The Devil's Dictionary</i> was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was - continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that year a - large part of it was published in covers with the title <i>The Cynic's - Word Book</i>, a name which the author had not the power to reject or - happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work: - </p> - <p> - "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the - religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had - appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the - country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic' - books—<i>The Cynic's This</i>, <i>The Cynic's That</i>, and <i>The - Cynic's t'Other</i>. Most of these books were merely stupid, though some - of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they brought the - word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was - discredited in advance of publication." - </p> - <p> - Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had - helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and - many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more - or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any - pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of - plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author - hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed—enlightened - souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and - clean English to slang. - </p> - <p> - A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book is its - abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that - learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines - bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance - the author of the prose text is greatly indebted. - </p> - <p> - A.B. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"></a> - A - </h2> - <p> - ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of - wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an - employer. - </p> - <p> - ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from - molesting the rubbish inside. - </p> - <p> - ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high - temperature of the throne. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication - Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. - For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: - She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. - To History she'll be no royal riddle— - Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with - sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith - commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in - a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity - that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the - world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. - </p> - <p> - ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the - meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last - analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of - solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; - it is no easy task to be solemn. - </p> - <p> - ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and - conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be - detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the - straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. - Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the - hope of Hell. - </p> - <p> - ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a - newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. - </p> - <p> - ABRACADABRA. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - By <i>Abracadabra</i> we signify - An infinite number of things. - 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? - And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby - The Truth (with the comfort it brings) - Is open to all who grope in night, - Crying for Wisdom's holy light. - - Whether the word is a verb or a noun - Is knowledge beyond my reach. - I only know that 'tis handed down. - From sage to sage, - From age to age— - An immortal part of speech! - - Of an ancient man the tale is told - That he lived to be ten centuries old, - In a cave on a mountain side. - (True, he finally died.) - The fame of his wisdom filled the land, - For his head was bald, and you'll understand - His beard was long and white - And his eyes uncommonly bright. - - Philosophers gathered from far and near - To sit at his feet and hear and hear, - Though he never was heard - To utter a word - But "<i>Abracadabra, abracadab</i>, - <i>Abracada, abracad</i>, - <i>Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!</i>" - 'Twas all he had, - 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each - Made copious notes of the mystical speech, - Which they published next— - A trickle of text - In a meadow of commentary. - Mighty big books were these, - In number, as leaves of trees; - In learning, remarkable—very! - - He's dead, - As I said, - And the books of the sages have perished, - But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. - In <i>Abracadabra</i> it solemnly rings, - Like an ancient bell that forever swings. - O, I love to hear - That word make clear - Humanity's General Sense of Things. -</pre> - <p> - Jamrach Holobom - </p> - <p> - ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for - people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of - mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel - them to the separation. -</pre> - <p> - Oliver Cromwell - </p> - <p> - ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot - and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. - Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they - were "concatenated without abruption." - </p> - <p> - ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of - another. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; - The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. -</pre> - <p> - Phela Orm - </p> - <p> - ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; - hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of - another. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - To men a man is but a mind. Who cares - What face he carries or what form he wears? - But woman's body is the woman. O, - Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, - But heed the warning words the sage hath said: - A woman absent is a woman dead. -</pre> - <p> - Jogo Tyree - </p> - <p> - ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove - himself from the sphere of exaction. - </p> - <p> - ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in - which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the - assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been - replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and - for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by - chance. - </p> - <p> - ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying - himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything - but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought - You a total abstainer, my son." - "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught— - "But not, sir, a bigoted one." -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own - opinion. - </p> - <p> - ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. - </p> - <p> - ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught. - </p> - <p> - ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable - natural laws. - </p> - <p> - ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty - knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing - him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not - hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a - fee for assenting. - </p> - <p> - ACCORD, n. Harmony. - </p> - <p> - ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. - </p> - <p> - ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "My accountability, bear in mind," - Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," - Said the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind - Of ability you possess." -</pre> - <p> - Joram Tate - </p> - <p> - ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a - justification of ourselves for having wronged him. - </p> - <p> - ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently - pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, - unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville. - </p> - <p> - ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. - </p> - <p> - ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is - the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. - </p> - <p> - ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not - well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its - object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. - </p> - <p> - ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. - </p> - <p> - ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. - </p> - <p> - ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in - solicitate of gold. - </p> - <p> - ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral - outlays to the other expenses of living. - </p> - <p> - ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to - get. - </p> - <p> - ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to - receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of - straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. - </p> - <p> - ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the - figure-head does the thinking. - </p> - <p> - ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to - ourselves. - </p> - <p> - ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Consigned by way of admonition, - His soul forever to perdition. -</pre> - <p> - Judibras - </p> - <p> - ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. - </p> - <p> - ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "The man was in such deep distress," - Said Tom, "that I could do no less - Than give him good advice." Said Jim: - "If less could have been done for him - I know you well enough, my son, - To know that's what you would have done." -</pre> - <p> - Jebel Jocordy - </p> - <p> - AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. - </p> - <p> - AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and - bitter world. - </p> - <p> - AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. - </p> - <p> - AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we - still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to - commit. - </p> - <p> - AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - —to dislodge the worms. - </p> -<p> -AIM, n. -</p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The task we set our wishes to. - "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" - She tenderly inquired. - "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; - The fact is—I have fired." -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the - fattening of the poor. - </p> - <p> - ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a - pretence of open marauding. - </p> - <p> - ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. - </p> - <p> - ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the - Christian, Jewish, and so forth. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, - And ever for the sins of man have wept; - And sometimes kneeling in the temple I - Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. -</pre> - <p> - Junker Barlow - </p> - <p> - ALLEGIANCE, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, - Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, - Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed - To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have - their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot - separately plunder a third. - </p> - <p> - ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the - crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the - Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but - they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the - notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian. - </p> - <p> - ALONE, adj. In bad company. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - In contact, lo! the flint and steel, - By spark and flame, the thought reveal - That he the metal, she the stone, - Had cherished secretly alone. -</pre> - <p> - Booley Fito - </p> - <p> - ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small - intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked - its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference - to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - They stood before the altar and supplied - The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. - In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim - An offering burnt with an unholy flame. -</pre> - <p> - M.P. Nopput - </p> - <p> - AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a - left. - </p> - <p> - AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while - living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - </p> - <p> - AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be - too expensive to punish. - </p> - <p> - ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already - sufficiently slippery. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, - So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. -</pre> - <p> - Judibras - </p> - <p> - ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. - </p> - <p> - APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The flabby wine-skin of his brain - Yields to some pathologic strain, - And voids from its unstored abysm - The driblet of an aphorism. -</pre> - <p> - "The Mad Philosopher," 1697 - </p> - <p> - APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. - </p> - <p> - APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to - find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a - new attachment to a fresh turtle. - </p> - <p> - APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and - grave worm's provider. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, - And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, - That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth - Disease for the apothecary's health, - Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: - "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. - </p> - <p> - APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a - solution to the labor question. - </p> - <p> - APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. - </p> - <p> - APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. - </p> - <p> - ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - If I were a jolly archbishop, - On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up— - Salmon and flounders and smelts; - On other days everything else. -</pre> - <p> - Jodo Rem - </p> - <p> - ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of - your money. - </p> - <p> - ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. - </p> - <p> - ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman - wrestles with his record. - </p> - <p> - ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is - obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and - clean shirts—guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts. - </p> - <p> - ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. - </p> - <p> - ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged - to a lamppost. - </p> - <p> - ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. -</pre> - <p> - <i>The Unauthorized Version</i> - </p> - <p> - ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it - greatly affects in turn. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," - Consenting, he did speak up; - "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, - Than put it in my teacup." -</pre> - <p> - Joel Huck - </p> - <p> - ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by - the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?— - Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, - And said it was a god's name! Straight arose - Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, - And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, - And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) - To serve his temple and maintain the fires, - Expound the law, manipulate the wires. - Amazed, the populace that rites attend, - Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, - And, inly edified to learn that two - Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) - Have sweeter values and a grace more fit - Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, - Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, - And sell their garments to support the priests. -</pre> - <p> - ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long - study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy - it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. - </p> - <p> - ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one - has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. - </p> - <p> - ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, - Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and - everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in - the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so - engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, - it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, <i>lib. II., De Clem.</i>, and C. - Stantatus, <i>De Temperamente</i>) if it is not a god; and as such we know - it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by - the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan - Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, - the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. - From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of - great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, - and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that - all literature is more or less Asinine. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; - "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" - Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: - God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a - pocket with his tongue. - </p> - <p> - AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and - commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate - dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. - </p> - <p> - AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. - The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is - believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the - Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by - Lactantius to be an error. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - <i>Facilis descensus Averni,</i> - The poet remarks; and the sense - Of it is that when down-hill I turn I - Will get more of punches than pence. -</pre> - <p> - Jehal Dai Lupe - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"></a> - B - </h2> - <p> - BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal - he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to - be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the - Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain - of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever name - worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which - are begotten of the sun's rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is - still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with - abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom. - </p> - <p> - BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or - condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and - antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. - There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose - adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries - before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being - preserved on a floating lotus leaf. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Ere babes were invented - The girls were contended. - Now man is tormented - Until to buy babes he has squandered - His money. And so I have pondered - This thing, and thought may be - 'T were better that Baby - The First had been eagled or condored. -</pre> - <p> - Ro Amil - </p> - <p> - BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for - getting drunk. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Is public worship, then, a sin, - That for devotions paid to Bacchus - The lictors dare to run us in, - And resolutely thump and whack us? -</pre> - <p> - Jorace - </p> - <p> - BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to - contemplate in your adversity. - </p> - <p> - BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. - </p> - <p> - BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind - is beauty. - </p> - <p> - BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in - heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is - performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by - aspersion, or sprinkling. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - But whether the plan of immersion - Is better than simple aspersion - Let those immersed - And those aspersed - Decide by the Authorized Version, - And by matching their agues tertian. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather - we are having. - </p> - <p> - BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it - is their business to deprive others. - </p> - <p> - BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg of a - cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels - deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one - that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally - gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the - reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the - ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped - laying. - </p> - <p> - BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. - </p> - <p> - BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with - what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The man who taketh a steam bath - He loseth all the skin he hath, - And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, - Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, - Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling - With dirty vapors of the boiling. -</pre> - <p> - Richard Gwow - </p> - <p> - BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that - would not yield to the tongue. - </p> - <p> - BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate - the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. - </p> - <p> - BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a - husband. - </p> - <p> - BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. - </p> - <p> - BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the - belief that it will not be given. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Who is that, father? - A mendicant, child, - Haggard, morose, and unaffable—wild! - See how he glares through the bars of his cell! - With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. - - Why did they put him there, father? - - Because - Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. - - His belly? - - Oh, well, he was starving, my boy— - A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. - No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry - Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" - - What's the matter with pie? - - With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; - To beg was unlawful—improper as well. - - Why didn't he work? - - He would even have done that, - But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" - I mention these incidents merely to show - That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. - Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, - But for trifles— - - Pray what did bad Mendicant do? - - Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack - And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. - - Is that <i>all</i> father dear? - - There's little to tell: - They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to—well, - The company's better than here we can boast, - And there's— - - Bread for the needy, dear father? - - Um—toast. -</pre> - <p> - Atka Mip - </p> - <p> - BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. - </p> - <p> - BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. - The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's - translation of the following lines from the <i>Dies Irae</i>: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Recordare, Jesu pie, - Quod sum causa tuae viae. - Ne me perdas illa die. - - Pray remember, sacred Savior, - Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your - Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. -</pre> - <p> - BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A - striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. - </p> - <p> - BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be - A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. - "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she— - "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." -</pre> - <p> - "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) - </p> - <p> - BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, - however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means - of all. - </p> - <p> - BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (<i>Coma Berenices</i>) named in honor - of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Her locks an ancient lady gave - Her loving husband's life to save; - And men—they honored so the dame— - Upon some stars bestowed her name. - - But to our modern married fair, - Who'd give their lords to save their hair, - No stellar recognition's given. - There are not stars enough in heaven. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will - adjudge a punishment called trigamy. - </p> - <p> - BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that - you do not entertain. - </p> - <p> - BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. - </p> - <p> - BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it - there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the - egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. - Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of - the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that - Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of - lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have - myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. - </p> - <p> - BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of - berries in a market—the fine ones on top—have been opened on - the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. - </p> - <p> - BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters—the most difficult kind - of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by - those who cannot acceptably write any kind. - </p> - <p> - BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young - physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the - undertaker. The hyena. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, - I and my comrades, four in all, - When visiting a graveyard stood - Within the shadow of a wall. - - "While waiting for the moon to sink - We saw a wild hyena slink - About a new-made grave, and then - Begin to excavate its brink! - - "Shocked by the horrid act, we made - A sally from our ambuscade, - And, falling on the unholy beast, - Dispatched him with a pick and spade." -</pre> - <p> - Bettel K. Jhones - </p> - <p> - BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become - responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. - </p> - <p> - Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute - nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to - give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of - honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused - Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." - </p> - <p> - BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - </p> - <p> - BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables—those that are not good to eat, - as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are - commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling. - </p> - <p> - BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. - </p> - <p> - BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two - nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights - of the other. - </p> - <p> - BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has - nothing to get all that he can. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects - every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal - instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His - creatures. -</pre> - <p> - Henry Ward Beecher - </p> - <p> - BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and - destroyed by Siva—a rather neater division of labor than is found - among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, - are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The - priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men - who are never naughty. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, - First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, - You sit there so calm and securely, - With feet folded up so demurely— - You're the First Person Singular, surely. -</pre> - <p> - Polydore Smith - </p> - <p> - BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which - distinguishes the man who is content to <i>be</i> something from the man - who wishes to <i>do</i> something. A man of great wealth, or one who has - been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain - that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and - under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that - it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. - </p> - <p> - BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part - remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the grave and - four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said - by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to - drink it. - </p> - <p> - BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - </p> - <p> - BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"></a> - C - </h2> - <p> - CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the - patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked - the archangel for bread. - </p> - <p> - CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as - a man's head. - </p> - <p> - The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the - throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of - the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal - garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried - conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High - Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased. - </p> - <p> - CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the - affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two - kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. - </p> - <p> - CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting - another. - </p> - <p> - When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to - be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death - of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should - see me smile at the death of a friend." - </p> - <p> - CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. - </p> - <p> - CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the <i>Splaypes humpidorsus</i>) of great value to - the show business. There are two kinds of camels—the camel proper - and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. - </p> - <p> - CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple - tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. - </p> - <p> - CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national - boundaries. - </p> - <p> - CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. - </p> - <p> - CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the - pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the - part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. <i>Capital - Punishment</i>, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which - many worthy persons—including all the assassins—entertain - grave misgivings. - </p> - <p> - CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - As Death was a-riding out one day, - Across Mount Carmel he took his way, - Where he met a mendicant monk, - Some three or four quarters drunk, - With a holy leer and a pious grin, - Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, - Who held out his hands and cried: - "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. - Give in the name of the Church. O give, - Give that her holy sons may live!" - And Death replied, - Smiling long and wide: - "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee—a ride." - - With a rattle and bang - Of his bones, he sprang - From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; - By the neck and the foot - Seized the fellow, and put - Him astride with his face to the rear. - - The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell - Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: - "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, - Will ride to the devil!"—and <i>thump</i> - Fell the flat of his dart on the rump - Of the charger, which galloped away. - - Faster and faster and faster it flew, - Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew - By the road were dim and blended and blue - To the wild, wild eyes - Of the rider—in size - Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. - Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh - At a burial service spoiled, - And the mourners' intentions foiled - By the body erecting - Its head and objecting - To further proceedings in its behalf. - - Many a year and many a day - Have passed since these events away. - The monk has long been a dusty corse, - And Death has never recovered his horse. - For the friar got hold of its tail, - And steered it within the pale - Of the monastery gray, - Where the beast was stabled and fed - With barley and oil and bread - Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, - And so in due course was appointed Prior. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous - vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. - </p> - <p> - CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the - celebrated dictum, <i>Cogito ergo sum</i>—whereby he was pleased to - suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might - be improved, however, thus: <i>Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum</i>— "I - think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to - certainty as any philosopher has yet made. - </p> - <p> - CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked - when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - This is a dog, - This is a cat. - This is a frog, - This is a rat. - Run, dog, mew, cat. - Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. -</pre> - <p> - Elevenson - </p> - <p> - CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. - </p> - <p> - CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets - write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions - following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian - games: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to - overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives - they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here - commemorated by his family, who shared them. - In the earth we here prepare a - Place to lay our little Clara. -</pre> - <p> - Thomas M. and Mary Frazer - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - P.S.—Gabriel will raise her. -</pre> - <p> - CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of - labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who - followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The best - of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added - the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist - on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred - history. - </p> - <p> - CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the - entrance—against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, - sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the - entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets - have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose - clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great - weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven—a - judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor Graybill had known - (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic. - </p> - <p> - CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of - infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood - and three from the remorse of age. - </p> - <p> - CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely - inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One - who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent - with a life of sin. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! - The godly multitudes walked to and fro - Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, - With pious mien, appropriately sad, - While all the church bells made a solemn din— - A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. - Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, - With tranquil face, upon that holy show - A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, - Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. - "God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are - No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; - And yet I entertain the hope that you, - Like these good people, are a Christian too." - He raised his eyes and with a look so stern - It made me with a thousand blushes burn - Replied—his manner with disdain was spiced: - "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see - men, women and children acting the fool. - </p> - <p> - CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing - that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead. - </p> - <p> - CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in - his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet—two - clarionets. - </p> - <p> - CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs - as a method of bettering his temporal ones. - </p> - <p> - CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over - history—which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent - citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being - addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. - </p> - <p> - CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for - the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A busy man complained one day: - "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" - Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; - "You have, sir, all the time there is. - There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it— - We're never for an hour without it." -</pre> - <p> - Purzil Crofe - </p> - <p> - CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious - persons wish to obtain. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried - To thrifty J. Macpherson; - "See me—I'm ready to divide - With any worthy person." - Sad Jamie: "That is very true— - The boast requires no backing; - And all are worthy, sir, to you, - Who have what you are lacking." -</pre> - <p> - Anita M. Bobe - </p> - <p> - COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin - of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of - awful examples. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - O Coenobite, O coenobite, - Monastical gregarian, - You differ from the anchorite, - That solitudinarian: - With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; - With dropping shots he makes him sick. -</pre> - <p> - Quincy Giles - </p> - <p> - COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's - uneasiness. - </p> - <p> - COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, - but do not equal, our own. - </p> - <p> - COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of - C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. - </p> - <p> - COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable - multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously - efficient. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, - So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew - Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches - Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays - That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins - Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. - On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, - Misfortune attend and disaster befall! - May life be to them a succession of hurts; - May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; - May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, - Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; - May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, - And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; - May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, - And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. - Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse - Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, - By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors— - The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! - Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! - Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, - Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. -</pre> - <p> - K.Q. - </p> - <p> - COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each - adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to - have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. - </p> - <p> - COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. - </p> - <p> - CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy. - </p> - <p> - CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, - confided by <i>him</i> to C. - </p> - <p> - CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. - </p> - <p> - CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. - </p> - <p> - CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and - nothing about anything else. - </p> - <p> - An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine - was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and - died. - </p> - <p> - CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as - distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. - </p> - <p> - CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than - yourself. - </p> - <p> - CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an - office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition - that he leave the country. - </p> - <p> - CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided - on. - </p> - <p> - CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too - formidable safely to be opposed. - </p> - <p> - CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious - cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - In controversy with the facile tongue— - That bloodless warfare of the old and young— - So seek your adversary to engage - That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, - And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, - With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. - You ask me how this miracle is done? - Adopt his own opinions, one by one, - And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath - He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. - Advance then gently all you wish to prove, - Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've - So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, - And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, - This view of it which, better far expressed, - Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest - To him, secure that he'll perform his trust - And prove your views intelligent and just. -</pre> - <p> - Conmore Apel Brune - </p> - <p> - CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to - meditate upon the vice of idleness. - </p> - <p> - CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, - each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to - observe those of his neighbor. - </p> - <p> - CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and - visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite - bomb. - </p> - <p> - CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, - Our corporal heroically fell! - Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl - And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." -</pre> - <p> - Giacomo Smith - </p> - <p> - CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit - without individual responsibility. - </p> - <p> - CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. - </p> - <p> - COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. - </p> - <p> - COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - </p> - <p> - CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less - indigestible. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably - figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only - backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the - perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to - avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend - their nature afterward. -</pre> - <p> - Sir James Merivale - </p> - <p> - CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial - Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. - </p> - <p> - CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. - </p> - <p> - CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries - to please him. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - There is a land of pure delight, - Beyond the Jordan's flood, - Where saints, apparelled all in white, - Fling back the critic's mud. - - And as he legs it through the skies, - His pelt a sable hue, - He sorrows sore to recognize - The missiles that he threw. -</pre> - <p> - Orrin Goof - </p> - <p> - CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its - significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but - really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed - to be identical with the <i>crux ansata</i> of the ancient phallic - worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to - the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol - of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. - Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the - lyre to the effect following: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood - Cry out in holy chorus, - And, to dissuade from sin, parade - Their various charms before us. - - But why, O why, has ne'er an eye - Seen her of winsome manner - And youthful grace and pretty face - Flaunting the White Cross banner? - - Now where's the need of speech and screed - To better our behaving? - A simpler plan for saving man - (But, first, is he worth saving?) - - Is, dears, when he declines to flee - From bad thoughts that beset him, - Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, - And wants to sin—don't let him. -</pre> - <p> - CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do <i>me</i>? - </p> - <p> - CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a - strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great - material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins - of more foxes than asses." - </p> - <p> - CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous - fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. - Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most - reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a - semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an - arrow—of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to - materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work— this is - eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep - of prosperity. - </p> - <p> - CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to - know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most - active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. - </p> - <p> - CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an - operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly - fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk - that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance. - </p> - <p> - CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as - they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a - cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"></a> - D - </h2> - <p> - DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of - which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have - been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of - mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed - an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in - combination with the word <i>jod</i> or <i>god</i>, meaning "joy." It - would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion - conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. - </p> - <p> - DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with - arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of - dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have - two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly - loved by the vicious. - </p> - <p> - DANGER, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A savage beast which, when it sleeps, - Man girds at and despises, - But takes himself away by leaps - And bounds when it arises. -</pre> - <p> - Ambat Delaso - </p> - <p> - DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security. - </p> - <p> - DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, - whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words <i>Datum - Romae</i>. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God. - </p> - <p> - DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to - rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty - stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to - these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the - truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but - in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing - is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. - </p> - <p> - DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is - divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the - former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other - sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. - </p> - <p> - DEAD, adj. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Done with the work of breathing; done - With all the world; the mad race run - Through to the end; the golden goal - Attained and found to be a hole! -</pre> - <p> - Squatol Johnes - </p> - <p> - DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had - the misfortune to overtake it. - </p> - <p> - DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the - slave-driver. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet - Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, - Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, - Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; - So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, - Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, - Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, - And finds at last he might as well have paid it. -</pre> - <p> - Barlow S. Vode - </p> - <p> - DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to - permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to - embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, - calculated for this meridian. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Thou shalt no God but me adore: - 'Twere too expensive to have more. - - No images nor idols make - For Robert Ingersoll to break. - - Take not God's name in vain; select - A time when it will have effect. - - Work not on Sabbath days at all, - But go to see the teams play ball. - - Honor thy parents. That creates - For life insurance lower rates. - - Kill not, abet not those who kill; - Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. - - Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless - Thine own thy neighbor doth caress - - Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete - Successfully in business. Cheat. - - Bear not false witness—that is low— - But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." - - Covet thou naught that thou hast not - By hook or crook, or somehow, got. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over - another set. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A leaf was riven from a tree, - "I mean to fall to earth," said he. - - The west wind, rising, made him veer. - "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." - - The east wind rose with greater force. - Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." - - With equal power they contend. - He said: "My judgment I suspend." - - Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, - Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." - - "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; - Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. - - Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, - You'll have no hand in it at all. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. - </p> - <p> - DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. - </p> - <p> - DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The - contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required - ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan - war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who - live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to - beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the - way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved. - </p> - <p> - DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from - private station to political preferment. - </p> - <p> - DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl - was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being - pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may - chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. - </p> - <p> - DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously - pronounced. - </p> - <p> - DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes - in sets. - </p> - <p> - DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side - it is buttered on. - </p> - <p> - DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the - sins (and sinners) of the world. - </p> - <p> - DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising - Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other - goodly sons and daughters. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee - The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; - For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, - Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. -</pre> - <p> - Mumfrey Mappel - </p> - <p> - DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls - coins out of your pocket. - </p> - <p> - DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which - you are not in a position to exact from his fears. - </p> - <p> - DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The - deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an - intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When - accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, - "To-day the books are to be tried - By experts and accountants who - Have been commissioned to go through - Our office here, to see if we - Have stolen injudiciously. - Please have the proper entries made, - The proper balances displayed, - Conforming to the whole amount - Of cash on hand—which they will count. - I've long admired your punctual way— - Here at the break and close of day, - Confronting in your chair the crowd - Of business men, whose voices loud - And gestures violent you quell - By some mysterious, calm spell— - Some magic lurking in your look - That brings the noisiest to book - And spreads a holy and profound - Tranquillity o'er all around. - So orderly all's done that they - Who came to draw remain to pay. - But now the time demands, at last, - That you employ your genius vast - In energies more active. Rise - And shake the lightnings from your eyes; - Inspire your underlings, and fling - Your spirit into everything!" - The Master's hand here dealt a whack - Upon the Deputy's bent back, - When straightway to the floor there fell - A shrunken globe, a rattling shell - A blackened, withered, eyeless head! - The man had been a twelvemonth dead. -</pre> - <p> - Jamrach Holobom - </p> - <p> - DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure. - </p> - <p> - DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse - and purse. - </p> - <p> - DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from - disorders of the bowels. - </p> - <p> - DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate - to himself without blushing. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ - All that he had of wisdom and of wit. - So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, - Erased all entries of his own and cried: - "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: - "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"— - Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, - That record from a pocket in his shroud. - The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, - Each stupid line of which he knew before, - Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit - On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; - Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. - "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: - You'd never be content this side the tomb— - For big ideas Heaven has little room, - And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," - He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. -</pre> - <p> - "The Mad Philosopher" - </p> - <p> - DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of - despotism to the plague of anarchy. - </p> - <p> - DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a - language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a - most useful work. - </p> - <p> - DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is - a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some - one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is - found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, - Senator Depew: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A cube of cheese no larger than a die - May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. -</pre> - <p> - DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is - imperfect, vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which that - wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater - sufferers from dyspepsia. - </p> - <p> - DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. - </p> - <p> - DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error - than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. - </p> - <p> - DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing - is, if possible, more objectionable than another. - </p> - <p> - DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - </p> - <p> - DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. - </p> - <p> - DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a - command. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His right to govern me is clear as day, - My duty manifest to disobey; - And if that fit observance e'er I shut - May I and duty be alike undone. -</pre> - <p> - Israfel Brown - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. - Let us dissemble. -</pre> - <p> - Adam - </p> - <p> - DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call - theirs, and keep. - </p> - <p> - DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - </p> - <p> - DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many - kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the - early fool. - </p> - <p> - DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the - overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of - his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the - place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an - anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his - glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and - fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase the idle - wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. - </p> - <p> - DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure - that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. - </p> - <p> - DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. - </p> - <p> - DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which did - not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very - little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their - religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar - says those who desired to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar - himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any high - preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human - sacrifice was considerable. - </p> - <p> - Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of - church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in - short, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by a - distinguished prelate of the Church of England— Dissenters. - </p> - <p> - DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back - season. - </p> - <p> - DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two - enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if - awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences - sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - That dueling's a gentlemanly vice - I hold; and wish that it had been my lot - To live my life out in some favored spot— - Some country where it is considered nice - To split a rival like a fish, or slice - A husband like a spud, or with a shot - Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot - And ready to be put upon the ice. - Some miscreants there are, whom I do long - To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim - The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, - I seem to see them now—a mighty throng. - It looks as if to challenge <i>me</i> they came, - Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! -</pre> - <p> - Xamba Q. Dar - </p> - <p> - DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The - Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have - overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their - insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a - platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they were - driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. - For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called - Philistines to this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they - withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the - high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a - detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the <i>Mayflower</i> - and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, - immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the - most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United - States is but little short of thirty millions, including the - statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about - Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly - moral. - </p> - <p> - DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along - the line of desire. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, - Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. - His anger provoked him to take the king's head, - But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, - Instead. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"></a> - E - </h2> - <p> - EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of - mastication, humectation, and deglutition. - </p> - <p> - "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, - beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in - a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the - great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying - it. I had dined an hour before." - </p> - <p> - EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices - of another or yourself. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A lady with one of her ears applied - To an open keyhole heard, inside, - Two female gossips in converse free— - The subject engaging them was she. - "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks - That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" - As soon as no more of it she could hear - The lady, indignant, removed her ear. - "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, - "To hear my character lied about!" -</pre> - <p> - Gopete Sherany - </p> - <p> - ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to - accentuate their incapacity. - </p> - <p> - ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the - price of the cow that you cannot afford. - </p> - <p> - EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a - toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. - </p> - <p> - EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, - Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely - virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of - others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering - lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of - firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then - straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey - intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of - law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the - dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue - a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in - lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is - heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines - of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up - some pathos. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, - A gilded impostor is he. - Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, - His crown is brass, - Himself an ass, - And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. - Prankily, crankily prating of naught, - Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. - Public opinion's camp-follower he, - Thundering, blundering, plundering free. - Affected, - Ungracious, - Suspected, - Mendacious, - Respected contemporaree! - J.H. Bumbleshook -</pre> - <p> - EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the - foolish their lack of understanding. - </p> - <p> - EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the - same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which - is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog - except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a - dog. - </p> - <p> - EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Megaceph, chosen to serve the State - In the halls of legislative debate, - One day with all his credentials came - To the capitol's door and announced his name. - The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist - Of the face, at the eminent egotist, - And said: "Go away, for we settle here - All manner of questions, knotty and queer, - And we cannot have, when the speaker demands - To be told how every member stands, - A man who to all things under the sky - Assents by eternally voting 'I'." -</pre> - <p> - EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also - much used in cases of extreme poverty. - </p> - <p> - ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of - another man's choice. - </p> - <p> - ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to - be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its - famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque - incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin - is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen - effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching - account of his life and services to science: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This - illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the - world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, - of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." - - Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the -arts and industries. The question of its economical application to -some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved -that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more -light than a horse. -</pre> - <p> - ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the - methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the - dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat - like this: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The cur foretells the knell of parting day; - The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; - The wise man homeward plods; I only stay - To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. -</pre> - <p> - ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color - that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear - white. - </p> - <p> - ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly - believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and - mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early - Christians—may their souls be happy in Heaven! - </p> - <p> - EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the - despotism of himself. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He was a slave: at word he went and came; - His iron collar cut him to the bone. - Then Liberty erased his owner's name, - Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it - feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance - between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile - and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre - crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, - and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as - a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long - inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the - meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his <i>glutoeus - maximus</i>. - </p> - <p> - EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart - to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of - hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. - </p> - <p> - ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. - </p> - <p> - END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the - Interlocutor. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The man was perishing apace - Who played the tambourine; - The seal of death was on his face— - 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. - - "This is the end," the sick man said - In faint and failing tones. - A moment later he was dead, - And Tambourine was Bones. -</pre> - <p> - Tinley Roquot - </p> - <p> - ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Enough is as good as a feast—for that matter - Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. -</pre> - <p> - Arbely C. Strunk - </p> - <p> - ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death - by injection. - </p> - <p> - ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance - in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who - recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which - carried him off—to Missolonghi. - </p> - <p> - ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of - a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. - </p> - <p> - ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. - </p> - <p> - EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer - from the enemy—that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to - whom his death would give promotion. - </p> - <p> - EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, - holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in - gratification from the senses. - </p> - <p> - EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently - characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are - some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach - Holobom: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To - serve oneself is economy of administration. - - In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a - nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal - activity. - - There are three sexes; males, females and girls. - - Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: - they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. - Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be - ashamed of. - - While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands - you are safe, for you can watch both his. -</pre> - <p> - EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by - death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, - Wise, pious, humble and all that, - Who showed us life as all should live it; - Let that be said—and God forgive it! -</pre> - <p> - ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - So wide his erudition's mighty span, - He knew Creation's origin and plan - And only came by accident to grief— - He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. -</pre> - <p> - Romach Pute - </p> - <p> - ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The - ancient philosophies were of two kinds,—<i>exoteric</i>, those that - the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and <i>esoteric</i>, - those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most - profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our - time. - </p> - <p> - ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as - robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. - A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as -to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred -thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. -</pre> - <p> - EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and - power, or the consideration to be dead. - </p> - <p> - EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious - sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our - neighbors. - </p> - <p> - EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I - venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not - unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of - Worcester, entitled, <i>A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as - Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures</i>. His book was - once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I - understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul. - </p> - <p> - EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things - of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception - proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of the - ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its - absurdity. In the Latin, "<i>Exceptio probat regulam</i>" means that the - exception <i>tests</i> the rule, puts it to the proof, not <i>confirms</i> - it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and - substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears - to be immortal. - </p> - <p> - EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties - the law of moderation. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hail, high Excess—especially in wine, - To thee in worship do I bend the knee - Who preach abstemiousness unto me— - My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. - Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, - Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree - With reason as thy touch, exact and free, - Upon my forehead and along my spine. - At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, - With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; - When on thy stool of penitence I sit - I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. - Ungrateful he who afterward would falter - To make new sacrifices at thine altar! -</pre> - <p> - EXCOMMUNICATION, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - This "excommunication" is a word - In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, - And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, - Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal— - A rite permitting Satan to enslave him - Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. -</pre> - <p> - Gat Huckle - </p> - <p> - EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce - the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial - department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. - Following is an extract from an old book entitled, <i>The Lunarian - Astonished</i>—Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes - directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be - known whether it is constitutional? - TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the - Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many - years somebody objects to its operation against himself—I - mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to - execute it at once. - LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. - Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances - that they enforce? - TERRESTRIAN: Not yet—at least not in their character of - constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the - approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. - LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by - the murderer. - TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so - consistent. - LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial - machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they - have long been executed, and then only when brought before the - court by some private person—does it not cause great - confusion? - TERRESTRIAN: It does. - LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being - executed, be validated, not by the signature of your - President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme - Court? - TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. - LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? - TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three - volumes each. So how can any one know? -</pre> - <p> - EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon - the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. - </p> - <p> - EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an - ambassador. - </p> - <p> - An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," - replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, - when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled - atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he - had kept at the time of his reply: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly - received. War with the whole world! -</pre> - <p> - EXISTENCE, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, - Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: - From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge - Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" -</pre> - <p> - EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable - old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - To one who, journeying through night and fog, - Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, - Experience, like the rising of the dawn, - Reveals the path that he should not have gone. -</pre> - <p> - Joel Frad Bink - </p> - <p> - EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose - their friends. - </p> - <p> - EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future - state. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"></a> - F - </h2> - <p> - FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly - inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and - somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are - now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church - of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing - through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly - staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it was - incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix - and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it - with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy <i>bourgeois</i> - disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the - abduction and been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the - fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of - transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and - fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had - resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies - of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of - the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was - made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or - mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. - </p> - <p> - FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks - without knowledge, of things without parallel. - </p> - <p> - FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Done to a turn on the iron, behold - Him who to be famous aspired. - Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, - And his twistings are greatly admired. -</pre> - <p> - Hassan Brubuddy - </p> - <p> - FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A king there was who lost an eye - In some excess of passion; - And straight his courtiers all did try - To follow the new fashion. - - Each dropped one eyelid when before - The throne he ventured, thinking - 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore - He'd slay them all for winking. - - What should they do? They were not hot - To hazard such disaster; - They dared not close an eye—dared not - See better than their master. - - Seeing them lacrymose and glum, - A leech consoled the weepers: - He spread small rags with liquid gum - And covered half their peepers. - - The court all wore the stuff, the flame - Of royal anger dying. - That's how court-plaster got its name - Unless I'm greatly lying. -</pre> - <p> - Naramy Oof - </p> - <p> - FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by - gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person - distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are - "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable - until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments - took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks, under - the name <i>Nemeseia</i>, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times - they are popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient - dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Among the many feasts of the - Romans was the <i>Novemdiale</i>, which was held, according to Livy, - whenever stones fell from heaven. - </p> - <p> - FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing - an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. - </p> - <p> - FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Maker, at Creation's birth, - With living things had stocked the earth. - From elephants to bats and snails, - They all were good, for all were males. - But when the Devil came and saw - He said: "By Thine eternal law - Of growth, maturity, decay, - These all must quickly pass away - And leave untenanted the earth - Unless Thou dost establish birth"— - Then tucked his head beneath his wing - To laugh—he had no sleeve—the thing - With deviltry did so accord, - That he'd suggested to the Lord. - The Master pondered this advice, - Then shook and threw the fateful dice - Wherewith all matters here below - Are ordered, and observed the throw; - Then bent His head in awful state, - Confirming the decree of Fate. - From every part of earth anew - The conscious dust consenting flew, - While rivers from their courses rolled - To make it plastic for the mould. - Enough collected (but no more, - For niggard Nature hoards her store) - He kneaded it to flexible clay, - While Nick unseen threw some away. - And then the various forms He cast, - Gross organs first and finer last; - No one at once evolved, but all - By even touches grew and small - Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, - To match all living things He'd made - Females, complete in all their parts - Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. - "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed - I'll fetch the very hearts they need"— - So flew away and soon brought back - The number needed, in a sack. - That night earth rang with sounds of strife— - Ten million males each had a wife; - That night sweet Peace her pinions spread - O'er Hell—ten million devils dead! -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest - approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, - Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. - Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief - By proof that even himself was not a slave - To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave - Had been of all her servitors the chief - Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf - Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. - No, David served not Naked Truth when he - Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; - Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: - For reason shows that it could never be, - And the facts contradict him to his face. - Men are not liars all, for some are dead. -</pre> - <p> - Bartle Quinker - </p> - <p> - FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. - </p> - <p> - FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's - tail on the entrails of a cat. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn - I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." - To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, - 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." -</pre> - <p> - Orm Pludge - </p> - <p> - FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. - </p> - <p> - FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the - best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i - long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most - precious discoveries and possessions. - </p> - <p> - FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. - It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on - vacant lots in London—"Rubbish may be shot here." - </p> - <p> - FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. - </p> - <p> - FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. - The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been - severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. - </p> - <p> - FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by Garvinus - that the systems of punctuation in use by the various literary nations - depended originally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies - infesting the several countries. These creatures, which have always been - distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with authors, - liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth - under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of - the work by a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, - the writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature—that is to say, - the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and critics - in the same language—never punctuated at all, but worked right along - free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which comes from the - use of points. (We observe the same thing in children to-day, whose usage - in this particular is a striking and beautiful instance of the law that - the infancy of individuals reproduces the methods and stages of - development characterizing the infancy of races.) In the work of these - primitive scribes all the punctuation is found, by the modern investigator - with his optical instruments and chemical tests, to have been inserted by - the writers' ingenious and serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly—<i>Musca - maledicta</i>. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of - either making the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard - as divine revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy - whatever marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable - enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers - contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious - advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as - the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival - and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of - punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to understand the important - services that flies perform to literature it is only necessary to lay a - page of some popular novelist alongside a saucer of cream-and-molasses in - a sunny room and observe "how the wit brightens and the style refines" in - accurate proportion to the duration of exposure. - </p> - <p> - FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling - energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once - In a thick volume, and all authors known, - If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, - Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts - Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, - To mend their lives and to sustain his own, - However feebly be his arrows thrown, - - Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. - All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, - With lusty lung, here on his western strand - With all thine offspring thronged from every land, - Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. - And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, - Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. -</pre> - <p> - Aramis Loto Frope - </p> - <p> - FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and - diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, - omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who invented - letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the - platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught - the nations war—founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and - Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from - everlasting to everlasting—such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth - now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the - noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly - hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight - he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the - covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired - for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of - human civilization. - </p> - <p> - FORCE, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Force is but might," the teacher said— - "That definition's just." - The boy said naught but thought instead, - Remembering his pounded head: - "Force is not might but must!" -</pre> - <p> - FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. - </p> - <p> - FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I - consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in - explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when I - remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the - difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of - treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its - compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, - and a religious life,—recalling these awful facts in the history of - the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, - abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, - reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons - and His Grace Bishop Potter. - </p> - <p> - FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation for - their destitution of conscience. - </p> - <p> - FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead - animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, - and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over - the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to - assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and - awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those - that hate Him. - </p> - <p> - FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person—a method - by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted - to lose his case. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court - (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) - Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, - He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. - - "You sue <i>in forma pauperis</i>, I see," Eve cried; - "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." - So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: - He went away—as he had come—nonsuited. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands - on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many - of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and - cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to - confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by - frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you master stay our - benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye - will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my - son," persisted the good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" - "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the - manifold temptations of too great wealth." - </p> - <p> - FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations - lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. - </p> - <p> - FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half - dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition - that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. - The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; - naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, - Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; - On every wind, indeed, that blows - I hear her yell. - - She screams whenever monarchs meet, - And parliaments as well, - To bind the chains about her feet - And toll her knell. - - And when the sovereign people cast - The votes they cannot spell, - Upon the pestilential blast - Her clamors swell. - - For all to whom the power's given - To sway or to compel, - Among themselves apportion Heaven - And give her Hell. -</pre> - <p> - Blary O'Gary - </p> - <p> - FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and - fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among - working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of - past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the - generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up - distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and - Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, - Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and - Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris - and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among - the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids—always - by a Freemason. - </p> - <p> - FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. - Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. - </p> - <p> - FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only - one in foul. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The sea was calm and the sky was blue; - Merrily, merrily sailed we two. - (High barometer maketh glad.) - On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, - The tempest descended and we fell out. - (O the walking is nasty bad!) -</pre> - <p> - Armit Huff Bettle - </p> - <p> - FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane - literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice. - Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the - learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question - forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of the - forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor the - Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them <i>fricasees</i>, - remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long as - the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was changed. The frog is a - diligent songster, having a good voice but no ear. The libretto of his - favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective—"brekekex-koax"; - the music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses - have a frog in each hoof—a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling - them to shine in a hurdle race. - </p> - <p> - FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive - institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and - by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; - and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously - pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to - the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan - into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the - world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his - sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace - Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not - limited to this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this - life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the - other side, rewarding its devotees: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Old Nick was summoned to the skies. - Said Peter: "Your intentions - Are good, but you lack enterprise - Concerning new inventions. - - "Now, broiling is an ancient plan - Of torment, but I hear it - Reported that the frying-pan - Sears best the wicked spirit. - - "Go get one—fill it up with fat— - Fry sinners brown and good in't." - "I know a trick worth two o' that," - Said Nick—"I'll cook their food in't." -</pre> - <p> - FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by - enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that - deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse - To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. - Our friends expire—we make the money fly - In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. -</pre> - <p> - Jex Wopley - </p> - <p> - FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends - are true and our happiness is assured. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"></a> - G - </h2> - <p> - GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the - leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is - chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Whether on the gallows high - Or where blood flows the reddest, - The noblest place for man to die— - Is where he died the deadest. -</pre> - <p> - (Old play) - </p> - <p> - GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval - buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal - enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the - case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the - gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and - controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed - the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer - relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents. - </p> - <p> - GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of - her stockings and desolating the country. - </p> - <p> - GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly - applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and - is taking a bit of a rest. - </p> - <p> - GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not - particularly care to trace his own. - </p> - <p> - GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: - A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. - Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, - For dictionary makers are generally gents. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the - outside of the world and the inside. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, - Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, - In passing thence along the river Zam - To the adjacent village of Xelam, - Bewildered by the multitude of roads, - Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, - Then from exposure miserably died, - And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. -</pre> - <p> - Henry Haukhorn - </p> - <p> - GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust—to which, doubtless, - will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous - out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are - catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or - mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, - Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red - worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, - grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated - citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. - </p> - <p> - GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He saw a ghost. - It occupied—that dismal thing!— - The path that he was following. - Before he'd time to stop and fly, - An earthquake trifled with the eye - That saw a ghost. - He fell as fall the early good; - Unmoved that awful vision stood. - The stars that danced before his ken - He wildly brushed away, and then - He saw a post. -</pre> - <p> - Jared Macphester - </p> - <p> - Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody's - ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of - them. Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I - am able to compile from memories of my own experience. - </p> - <p> - There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost never - comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his habit as he - lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not only have the dead - the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, - but that the same power inheres in textile fabrics. Supposing the products - of the loom to have this ability, what object would they have in - exercising it? And why does not the apparition of a suit of clothes - sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These be riddles of - significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grip on the very - tap-root of this flourishing faith. - </p> - <p> - GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the - dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of - controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of - comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In 1640 - Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened it away - with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with many heads and - an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a - time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and explains - that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he would have seized the demon - at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy - peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears - to think that so distinguished a criminal should have been ducked in a - tank of rosewater.) The water turned at once to blood "and so contynues - unto ys daye." The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the - beginning of the fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of - the cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. - Twenty armed men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered - and captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had - transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was - nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous popular - orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so affected by - the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself in Amiens and - his fate remains a mystery. - </p> - <p> - GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing - dyspepsia. - </p> - <p> - GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the - interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral - treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough in - the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw them - scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig Binkerhoof saw - three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that - in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our - computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that the - gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764. - </p> - <p> - GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between - the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the - caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion - managers. - </p> - <p> - GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state - resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is - something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A hunter from Kew caught a distant view - Of a peacefully meditative gnu, - And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue - In its blood at a closer interview." - But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw - O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; - And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew - Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew - That really meritorious gnu." -</pre> - <p> - Jarn Leffer - </p> - <p> - GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, - sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. - </p> - <p> - GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult - process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the - bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked - and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there - results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and - feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, - is considerable: many are found to have only trivial and insignificant - powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed. - </p> - <p> - GORGON, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Gorgon was a maiden bold - Who turned to stone the Greeks of old - That looked upon her awful brow. - We dig them out of ruins now, - And swear that workmanship so bad - Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. -</pre> - <p> - GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. - </p> - <p> - GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who - attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for - board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according - to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing. - </p> - <p> - GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for - the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. - </p> - <p> - GRAPE, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hail noble fruit!—by Homer sung, - Anacreon and Khayyam; - Thy praise is ever on the tongue - Of better men than I am. - - The lyre in my hand has never swept, - The song I cannot offer: - My humbler service pray accept— - I'll help to kill the scoffer. - The water-drinkers and the cranks - Who load their skins with liquor— - I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks - And tap them with my sticker. - - Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools - When e'er we let the wine rest. - Here's death to Prohibition's fools, - And every kind of vine-pest! -</pre> - <p> - Jamrach Holobom - </p> - <p> - GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the - demands of American Socialism. - </p> - <p> - GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the - medical student. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Beside a lonely grave I stood— - With brambles 'twas encumbered; - The winds were moaning in the wood, - Unheard by him who slumbered, - - A rustic standing near, I said: - "He cannot hear it blowing!" - "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead— - He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." - - "Too true," I said; "alas, too true— - No sound his sense can quicken!" - "Well, mister, wot is that to you?— - The deadster ain't a-kickin'." - - I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile - On him, and mercy show him!" - That countryman looked on the while, - And said: "Ye didn't know him." -</pre> - <p> - Pobeter Dunko - </p> - <p> - GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a - strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain— the - quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their - tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying - illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the - proof of A. - </p> - <p> - GREAT, adj. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "I'm great," the Lion said—"I reign - The monarch of the wood and plain!" - - The Elephant replied: "I'm great— - No quadruped can match my weight!" - - "I'm great—no animal has half - So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. - - "I'm great," the Kangaroo said—"see - My femoral muscularity!" - - The 'Possum said: "I'm great—behold, - My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" - - An Oyster fried was understood - To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" - - Each reckons greatness to consist - In that in which he heads the list, - - And Vierick thinks he tops his class - Because he is the greatest ass. -</pre> - <p> - Arion Spurl Doke - </p> - <p> - GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with - good reason. - </p> - <p> - In his great work on <i>Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution</i>, the - learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture - —the shrug—among Frenchmen, that they are descended from - turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracting the head - inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an - authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced - in my work entitled <i>Hereditary Emotions</i>—lib. II, c. XI) the - shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, for - previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt - that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine - during the period of that instrument's activity. - </p> - <p> - GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement - of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most - writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not - upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to - dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the - scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. - James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. - </p> - <p> - Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that - occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of Columbia. - One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of the - Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented him with - a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the <i>Flashawful - flabbergastor</i>, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, - admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was instructed to - spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with soil. This he at - once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line of it all the way - across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from - the generous donor, who at once dropped a lighted match into the furrow at - the starting-point. Contact with the earth had somewhat dampened the - powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving - pillar of fire and smoke and fierce evolution. He stood for a moment - paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement and, dropping - all, absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the - eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim - streak prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven - villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is - that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the - fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," - said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again - centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of - Washington." - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"></a> - H - </h2> - <p> - HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when - confined for the wrong crime. - </p> - <p> - HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. - </p> - <p> - HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place - where the dead live. - </p> - <p> - Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, - many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very - comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part - of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean - version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and - learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating - the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a conscientious minority member - secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectional - word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of - Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said - with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' - here!" Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the - reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an - important, serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the - English tongue. - </p> - <p> - HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, - also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from - the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful - lumination or nimbus—hag being the popular name of that peculiar - electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a - word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as - Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your - sweetheart a hag—that compliment is reserved for the use of her - grandchildren. - </p> - <p> - HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or - considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose - among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an - object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed - in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of - the proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if - it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius - Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared to - die of the bite of a viper. - </p> - <p> - HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but - not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat - similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo - is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the - manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior - sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara. In the - painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only - do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from - the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it - said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. - </p> - <p> - HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and - commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - </p> - <p> - HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble - offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal - the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors - knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's - introducing it into the play of "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona - dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have - done with their coattails in our own day—an evidence that - revolutions sometimes go backward. - </p> - <p> - HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest - dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace - having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions - are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by - electricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to - this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging - Jerseymen. - </p> - <p> - HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery - of another. - </p> - <p> - HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang. - </p> - <p> - HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to - the fury of the customs. - </p> - <p> - HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in - the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the - bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. - </p> - <p> - HASH, x. There is no definition for this word—nobody knows what hash - is. - </p> - <p> - HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, - For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. - The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, - With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. -</pre> - <p> - John Lukkus - </p> - <p> - HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's - superiority. - </p> - <p> - HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - In ancient times there lived a king - Whose tax-collectors could not wring - From all his subjects gold enough - To make the royal way less rough. - For pleasure's highway, like the dames - Whose premises adjoin it, claims - Perpetual repairing. So - The tax-collectors in a row - Appeared before the throne to pray - Their master to devise some way - To swell the revenue. "So great," - Said they, "are the demands of state - A tithe of all that we collect - Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: - How, if one-tenth we must resign, - Can we exist on t'other nine?" - The monarch asked them in reply: - "Has it occurred to you to try - The advantage of economy?" - "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold - All of our gray garrotes of gold; - With plated-ware we now compress - The necks of those whom we assess. - Plain iron forceps we employ - To mitigate the miser's joy - Who hoards, with greed that never tires, - That which your Majesty requires." - Deep lines of thought were seen to plow - Their way across the royal brow. - "Your state is desperate, no question; - Pray favor me with a suggestion." - "O King of Men," the spokesman said, - "If you'll impose upon each head - A tax, the augmented revenue - We'll cheerfully divide with you." - As flashes of the sun illume - The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, - The king smiled grimly. "I decree - That it be so—and, not to be - In generosity outdone, - Declare you, each and every one, - Exempted from the operation - Of this new law of capitation. - But lest the people censure me - Because they're bound and you are free, - 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid - By you this poll-tax to evade. - I'll leave you now while you confer - With my most trusted minister." - The monarch from the throne-room walked - And straightway in among them stalked - A silent man, with brow concealed, - Bare-armed—his gleaming axe revealed! -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. - </p> - <p> - HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful - organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments—a very - pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal - belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the - stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. - The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling—tender or - not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the - successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is - transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the - marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into - religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility—these - things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded - with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, <i>The Essential - Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in - Digestion</i>—4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I - believe, <i>Delectatio Demonorum</i> (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) - this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for - further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on <i>Love as a - Product of Alimentary Maceration</i>. - </p> - <p> - HEAT, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode - Of motion, but I know now how he's proving - His point; but this I know—hot words bestowed - With skill will set the human fist a-moving, - And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. - <i>Crede expertum</i>—I have seen them, child. -</pre> - <p> - Gorton Swope - </p> - <p> - HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something - that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the - California State University, Hebrews are heathens. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A Christian philosopher. I'm - A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, - Addicted too much to the crime - Of religious discussion in my rhyme. - - Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree - On a <i>modus vivendi</i>—not they!— - Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, - And I haven't been reared in a way - To joy in the thick of the fray. - - For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, - And the truth of it I aver: - Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, - And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er— - And I'm down upon him or her! - - Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin - Toleration—that's all very well, - But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, - And he's running—I know by the smell— - A secret and personal Hell! -</pre> - <p> - Bissell Gip - </p> - <p> - HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of - their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you - expound your own. - </p> - <p> - HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether - superior creation. - </p> - <p> - HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" - Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' - She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at— - For it's naught ye are ever doin'." - - "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, - And no sign of contrition envices; - "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, - For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" -</pre> - <p> - Marley Wottel - </p> - <p> - HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear - which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and - prevents the wearer from taking cold. - </p> - <p> - HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. - </p> - <p> - HERS, pron. His. - </p> - <p> - HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There - have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various - animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and - subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes - out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twice - before it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no - fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in - the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in globular - masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on - account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central - Asia a whole nation of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the - fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of - hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this - view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who - did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. - </p> - <p> - HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half - griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half - eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which - is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of - surprises. - </p> - <p> - HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. - </p> - <p> - HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which - are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown - 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, - Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, - Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. -</pre> - <p> - Salder Bupp - </p> - <p> - HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving - to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not - in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the - melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is - esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from - two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is <i>Porcus - Rockefelleri</i>. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is - considered his by right of resemblance. - </p> - <p> - HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. - </p> - <p> - HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and - Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, - for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. - </p> - <p> - HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four - kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, - but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by - one kind or another—the classification is for advantage of the - lawyers. - </p> - <p> - HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, - capacities and conditions of the congregation. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - So skilled the parson was in homiletics - That all his normal purges and emetics - To medicine the spirit were compounded - With a most just discrimination founded - Upon a rigorous examination - Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. - Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, - His scriptural specifics this physician - Administered—his pills so efficacious - And pukes of disposition so vivacious - That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam - Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. - But Slander's tongue—itself all coated—uttered - Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered - That in the case of patients having money - The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. -</pre> - <p> - <i>Biography of Bishop Potter</i> - </p> - <p> - HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In - legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; - as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - </p> - <p> - HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left— - Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; - When even his dog deserts him, and his goat - With tranquil disaffection chews his coat - While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, - The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, - Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint - The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. -</pre> - <p> - Fogarty Weffing - </p> - <p> - HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain - persons who are not in need of food and lodging. - </p> - <p> - HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the - earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as - (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that - which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. - </p> - <p> - HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make - things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks - a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that - good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. - </p> - <p> - HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, - beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. <i>House of - Correction</i>, a place of reward for political and personal service, and - for the detention of offenders and appropriations. <i>House of God</i>, a - building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. <i>House-dog</i>, a - pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and - appal the hardy visitor. <i>House-maid</i>, a youngerly person of the - opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean - in the station in which it has pleased God to place her. - </p> - <p> - HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. - </p> - <p> - HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Twaddle had a hovel, - Twiddle had a palace; - Twaddle said: "I'll grovel - Or he'll think I bear him malice"— - A sentiment as novel - As a castor on a chalice. - - Down upon the middle - Of his legs fell Twaddle - And astonished Mr. Twiddle, - Who began to lift his noddle. - Feed upon the fiddle- - Faddle flummery, unswaddle - A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid - poets. - </p> - <p> - HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of - Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, - cat-quick. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind - See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined— - Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, - His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. - He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, - A graceful hog would bear his company. -</pre> - <p> - Alexander Poke - </p> - <p> - HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now - generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in - popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned - sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of - steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has - outlasted it. - </p> - <p> - HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. - </p> - <p> - HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. - </p> - <p> - HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. - </p> - <p> - HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. - </p> - <p> - HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its - habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the - medical student does that. - </p> - <p> - HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot - Where long the village rubbish had been shot - Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps— - "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. -</pre> - <p> - Bogul S. Purvy - </p> - <p> - HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect secures - the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"></a> - I - </h2> - <p> - I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the - first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is - a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to - be <i>We</i>, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless - clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable - dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The frank - yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter - carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot. - </p> - <p> - ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, - Restrained the raging chief and said: - "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled— - Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" -</pre> - <p> - Mary Doke - </p> - <p> - ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly - gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he - unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. - For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh - upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have - none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round - hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he - squawk it." - </p> - <p> - IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human - affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is - not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and - regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is - unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the - limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. - </p> - <p> - IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new - sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. - </p> - <p> - IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge - familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing - about. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Dumble was an ignoramus, - Mumble was for learning famous. - Mumble said one day to Dumble: - "Ignorance should be more humble. - Not a spark have you of knowledge - That was got in any college." - Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly - You're self-satisfied unduly. - Of things in college I'm denied - A knowledge—you of all beside." -</pre> - <p> - Borelli - </p> - <p> - ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the - sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights— <i>cunctationes - illuminati</i>. - </p> - <p> - ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and - detraction. - </p> - <p> - IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint - ownership. - </p> - <p> - IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting - censorious critics of this dictionary. - </p> - <p> - IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than - another. - </p> - <p> - IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a - feeble conception of worth in others. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - There was once a man in Ispahan - Ever and ever so long ago, - And he had a head, the phrenologists said, - That fitted him for a show. - - For his modesty's bump was so large a lump - (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) - That its summit stood far above the wood - Of his hair, like a mountain peak. - - So modest a man in all Ispahan, - Over and over again they swore— - So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; - None ever was found before. - - Meantime the hump of that awful bump - Into the heavens contrived to get - To so great a height that they called the wight - The man with the minaret. - - There wasn't a man in all Ispahan - Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: - With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung - He bragged of that beautiful bump - - Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page - Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, - And that gentle child explained as he smiled: - "A little present for you." - - The saddest man in all Ispahan, - Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. - "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility - Had given me deathless fame!" -</pre> - <p> - Sukker Uffro - </p> - <p> - IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the - greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to - be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notions of right and wrong - have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could - have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral - character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences—then - all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. - </p> - <p> - IMMORTALITY, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A toy which people cry for, - And on their knees apply for, - Dispute, contend and lie for, - And if allowed - Would be right proud - Eternally to die for. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains - fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, - to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the - victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of - punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high - favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the - fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and - schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the - common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged horse." - Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the - most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in - China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently - adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of - impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil - or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but - doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate - himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True - Church. - </p> - <p> - IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from - espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two - conflicting opinions. - </p> - <p> - IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin - and punishment. - </p> - <p> - IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. - </p> - <p> - IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of - hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but - performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Lo! by the laying on of hands," - Say parson, priest and dervise, - "We consecrate your cash and lands - To ecclesiastical service. - No doubt you'll swear till all is blue - At such an imposition. Do." -</pre> - <p> - Pollo Doncas - </p> - <p> - IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. - </p> - <p> - IMPROBABILITY, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His tale he told with a solemn face - And a tender, melancholy grace. - Improbable 'twas, no doubt, - When you came to think it out, - But the fascinated crowd - Their deep surprise avowed - And all with a single voice averred - 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard— - All save one who spake never a word, - But sat as mum - As if deaf and dumb, - Serene, indifferent and unstirred. - Then all the others turned to him - And scrutinized him limb from limb— - Scanned him alive; - But he seemed to thrive - And tranquiler grow each minute, - As if there were nothing in it. - "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed - At what our friend has told?" He raised - Soberly then his eyes and gazed - In a natural way - And proceeded to say, - As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: - "O no—not at all; I'm a liar myself." -</pre> - <p> - IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of - to-morrow. - </p> - <p> - IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. - </p> - <p> - INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds - of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, - and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before - themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person - quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most - momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other - kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion in - the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation is - hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the - testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and - who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of - evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the - Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It - cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there - was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. - </p> - <p> - But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be - proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a - scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain - women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is - still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic - and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved - than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered - death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are - alike destitute of value. - </p> - <p> - INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being - unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any - important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state - prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and - most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of - birds—the omens thence derived being called <i>auspices</i>. - Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that - the word—always in the plural—shall mean "patronage" or - "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient - and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were - auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A Roman slave appeared one day - Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, - If—" here the Augur, smiling, made - A checking gesture and displayed - His open palm, which plainly itched, - For visibly its surface twitched. - A <i>denarius</i> (the Latin nickel) - Successfully allayed the tickle, - And then the slave proceeded: "Please - Inform me whether Fate decrees - Success or failure in what I - To-night (if it be dark) shall try. - Its nature? Never mind—I think - 'Tis writ on this"—and with a wink - Which darkened half the earth, he drew - Another denarius to view, - Its shining face attentive scanned, - Then slipped it into the good man's hand, - Who with great gravity said: "Wait - While I retire to question Fate." - That holy person then withdrew - His scared clay and, passing through - The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" - Waving his robe of office. Straight - Each sacred peacock and its mate - (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled - With clamor from the trees o'erhead, - Where they were perching for the night. - The temple's roof received their flight, - For thither they would always go, - When danger threatened them below. - Back to the slave the Augur went: - "My son, forecasting the event - By flight of birds, I must confess - The auspices deny success." - That slave retired, a sadder man, - Abandoning his secret plan— - Which was (as well the crafty seer - Had from the first divined) to clear - The wall and fraudulently seize - On Juno's poultry in the trees. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, - the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and - fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly - remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it - consisteth—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything - which may be named as holden of right to one's own subservience) as also - of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance - of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it - followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of - their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank - in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever - broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the - pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him - whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth - is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." - </p> - <p> - INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the - taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed - matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a - moustache. - </p> - <p> - INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things - are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of - them, but not enough for both—as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's - mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility - let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself—I mean - to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would - convey an equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy are - altogether superior. - </p> - <p> - INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably - not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a - complete account of <i>incubi</i> and <i>succubi</i>, including <i>incubae</i> - and <i>succubae</i>, see the <i>Liber Demonorum</i> of Protassus (Paris, - 1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place - in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools. - </p> - <p> - Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself— - tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless— - sometimes plays at <i>incubus</i>, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm - of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally - speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they - might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. - The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; but Hugo is - ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test. - </p> - <p> - INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - </p> - <p> - INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir - Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to do - something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth - that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of - going astray as he who pusheth forwards"—a most clear and - satisfactory exposition of the matter. - </p> - <p> - "Your prompt decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain occasion - to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to - make up your mind in." - </p> - <p> - "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great thing to - know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to - attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss up a copper." - </p> - <p> - "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the - coin." - </p> - <p> - INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, - "You've grown indifferent to all in life." - "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; - "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." -</pre> - <p> - Apuleius M. Gokul - </p> - <p> - INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently - mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of - mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must - be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap - God." - </p> - <p> - INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. - </p> - <p> - INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. - </p> - <p> - INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven - lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. - </p> - <p> - INFERIAE, n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for - propitiation of the <i>Dii Manes</i>, or souls of the dead heroes; for the - pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual - needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor - might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising - materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon - that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that - illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth - of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but - tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The - narrative ended abruptly at that point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing - of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to - Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not - been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer - at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of - presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's - judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow—wow. - </p> - <p> - INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian - religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of - scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, - ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, - presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, - exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, - medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, - pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, - archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, - caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, - canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, - abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, - capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, - beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual - curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, - ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, - cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, - mutifs and pumpums. - </p> - <p> - INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary <i>quo</i> given in exchange for a - substantial <i>quid</i>. - </p> - <p> - INFRALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have - sinned unless he had a mind to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, - who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. - Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect - upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Two theologues once, as they wended their way - To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray— - An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, - Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. - "'Twas Predestination," cried one—"for the Lord - Decreed he should fall of his own accord." - "Not so—'twas Free will," the other maintained, - "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." - So fierce and so fiery grew the debate - That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; - So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground - And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. - Ere either had proved his theology right - By winning, or even beginning, the fight, - A gray old professor of Latin came by, - A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, - And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still - As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill - Of foreordinational freedom of will) - Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: - Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. - The sects ye belong to—I'm ready to swear - Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. - <i>You</i>—Infralapsarian son of a clown!— - Should only contend that Adam slipped down; - While <i>you</i>—you Supralapsarian pup!— - Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. - It's all the same whether up or down - You slip on a peel of banana brown. - Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, - But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an - object of charity. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," - The good philanthropist replied; - "I did great service to a man one day - Who never since has cursed me to repay, - Nor vilified." - - "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight— - With veneration I am overcome, - And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate— - He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state - This man is dumb." -</pre> - <p> - Ariel Selp - </p> - <p> - INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. - </p> - <p> - INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and - carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. - </p> - <p> - INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and - water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote - intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: - it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to - make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a - mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a - whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There - are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some - persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it - occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. - </p> - <p> - INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, - ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. - The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of - philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to - disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it "a - black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's - ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the - superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal - affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases. - </p> - <p> - IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent - investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer - and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious - organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the - contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that - prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and - for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that - tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to - suspend judgment by believing both. - </p> - <p> - INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of - many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some - illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his - services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of - John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of - memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "In the sky my soul is found, - And my body in the ground. - By and by my body'll rise - To my spirit in the skies, - Soaring up to Heaven's gate. - 1878." - - "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, -aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." - - "Affliction sore long time she boar, - Phisicians was in vain, - Till Deth released the dear deceased - And left her a remain. - Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." - - "The clay that rests beneath this stone - As Silas Wood was widely known. - Now, lying here, I ask what good - It was to let me be S. Wood. - O Man, let not ambition trouble you, - Is the advice of Silas W." - - "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had -the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." -</pre> - <p> - INSECTIVORA, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, - "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" - "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: - For us He has provided wrens and swallows." -</pre> - <p> - Sempen Railey - </p> - <p> - INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is - permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man - who keeps the table. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house—pray let me - insure it. - HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so - low that by the time when, according to the tables of your - actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have - paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. - INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no—we could not afford to do that. - We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. - HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can <i>I</i> afford <i>that</i>? - INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. - There was Smith's house, for example, which— - HOUSE OWNER: Spare me—there were Brown's house, on the - contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which— - INSURANCE AGENT: Spare <i>me</i>! - HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay - you money on the supposition that something will occur - previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In - other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last - so long as you say that it will probably last. - INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it - will be a total loss. - HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon—by your own actuary's tables I - shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I - would otherwise have paid to you—amounting to more than the - face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to - burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are - based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were - insured? - INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our - luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your - loss. - HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their - losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before - they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case - stands this way: you expect to take more money from your - clients than you pay to them, do you not? - INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not— - HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well - then. If it is <i>certain</i>, with reference to the whole body of - your clients, that they lose money on you it is <i>probable</i>, - with reference to any one of them, that <i>he</i> will. It is - these individual probabilities that make the aggregate - certainty. - INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it—but look at the figures in - this pamph— - HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! - INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would - otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander - them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. - HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is - not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you - command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a - Deserving Object. -</pre> - <p> - INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to - substitute misrule for bad government. - </p> - <p> - INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences - over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or - remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. - </p> - <p> - INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to - understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the - interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - </p> - <p> - INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed - by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the - spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the - zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again. - </p> - <p> - INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for - their mutual destruction. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue - And one in white, together drew - And having each a pleasant sense - Of t'other powder's excellence, - Forsook their jackets for the snug - Enjoyment of a common mug. - So close their intimacy grew - One paper would have held the two. - To confidences straight they fell, - Less anxious each to hear than tell; - Then each remorsefully confessed - To all the virtues he possessed, - Acknowledging he had them in - So high degree it was a sin. - The more they said, the more they felt - Their spirits with emotion melt, - Till tears of sentiment expressed - Their feelings. Then they effervesced! - So Nature executes her feats - Of wrath on friends and sympathetes - The good old rule who won't apply, - That you are you and I am I. -</pre> - - <p> - INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the - gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The - introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, - being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American - being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the - right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without - request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read - thus: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are - created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain - inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to - make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an - incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the - liberty to introduce persons to one another without first - ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and - the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of - strangers." -</pre> - <p> - INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers - and springs, and believes it civilization. - </p> - <p> - IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. - </p> - <p> - ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"></a> - J - </h2> - <p> - J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel— - than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been - but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was - not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, <i>jacere</i>, - "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes - that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned - Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his - conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed - suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally - no curl. - </p> - <p> - JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be - lost only if not worth keeping. - </p> - <p> - JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose - business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, - the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being - attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that - his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement - not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a - fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as - a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy - ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with - the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the - patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The widow-queen of Portugal - Had an audacious jester - Who entered the confessional - Disguised, and there confessed her. - - "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down— - My sins are more than scarlet: - I love my fool—blaspheming clown, - And common, base-born varlet." - - "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, - "That sin, indeed, is awful: - The church's pardon is denied - To love that is unlawful. - "But since thy stubborn heart will be - For him forever pleading, - Thou'dst better make him, by decree, - A man of birth and breeding." - - She made the fool a duke, in hope - With Heaven's taboo to palter; - Then told a priest, who told the Pope, - Who damned her from the altar! -</pre> - <p> - Barel Dort - </p> - <p> - JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the - teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. - </p> - <p> - JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan - tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. - </p> - <p> - JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the - State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and - personal service. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"></a> - K - </h2> - <p> - K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away - back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting - the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called <i>Klatch</i>, which - means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that of - our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its - present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute - by an earthquake, <i>circa</i> 730 B.C. This building was famous for the - two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the - catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter - is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by - the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural—not - to say touching—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national - memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an - additional mnemonic, or if the name was always <i>Klatch</i> and the - destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I - see no objection to believing both—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself - on that side of the question. - </p> - <p> - KEEP, v.t. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He willed away his whole estate, - And then in death he fell asleep, - Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, - My name unblemished I shall keep." - But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought - Whose was it?—for the dead keep naught. -</pre> - <p> - Durang Gophel Arn - </p> - <p> - KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. - </p> - <p> - KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in - Scotland. - </p> - <p> - KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. - </p> - <p> - KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," - although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A king, in times long, long gone by, - Said to his lazy jester: - "If I were you and you were I - My moments merrily would fly— - Nor care nor grief to pester." - - "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," - The fool said—"if you'll hear it— - Is that of all the fools alive - Who own you for their sovereign, I've - The most forgiving spirit." -</pre> - <p> - Oogum Bem - </p> - <p> - KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the - sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most - pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing - subjects and make them whole— - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - a crowd of wretched souls - That stay his cure: their malady convinces - The great essay of art; but at his touch, - Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, - They presently amend, -</pre> - <p> - as the "Doctor" in <i>Macbeth</i> hath it. This useful property of the - royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown - properties; for according to "Malcolm," - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - 'tis spoken - To the succeeding royalty he leaves - The healing benediction. -</pre> - <p> - But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later - sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once - honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of - "scrofula," from <i>scrofa</i>, a sow. The date and author of the - following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it - is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is - not a thing of yesterday. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, - Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. - He layde his hand on mine and sayd: - "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. - But O ye wofull plyght in wh. - I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! -</pre> - <p> - The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but - like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep - its memory green. The practice of forming a line and shaking the - President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary - bestows his healing salutation on - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - strangely visited people, - All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, - The mere despair of surgery, -</pre> - <p> - he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was - kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It - is a beautiful and edifying "survival"—one which brings the sainted - past close home in our "business and bosoms." - </p> - <p> - KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is - supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony - appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is - unknown to this lexicographer. - </p> - <p> - KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. - </p> - <p> - KNIGHT, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Once a warrior gentle of birth, - Then a person of civic worth, - Now a fellow to move our mirth. - Warrior, person, and fellow—no more: - We must knight our dogs to get any lower. - Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, - Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, - Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, - Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. - God speed the day when this knighting fad - Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. -</pre> - <p> - KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been - written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked - imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"></a> - L - </h2> - <p> - LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - </p> - <p> - LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory - that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the - foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the - superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have - the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the - right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted - wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area - of <i>terra firma</i> is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for - D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A life on the ocean wave, - A home on the rolling deep, - For the spark that nature gave - I have there the right to keep. - - They give me the cat-o'-nine - Whenever I go ashore. - Then ho! for the flashing brine— - I'm a natural commodore! -</pre> - <p> - Dodle - </p> - <p> - LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's - treasure. - </p> - <p> - LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of - that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The - skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents - and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the - noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over - brute inertia. - </p> - <p> - LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system—an - admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly - useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of - adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly - developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare. - </p> - <p> - LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as - opportunity to the maker of puns. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, - Where the cobbler is unknown, - So that I might forget his last - And hear your own. -</pre> - <p> - Gargo Repsky - </p> - <p> - LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the - features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, - though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of - the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals— these being - not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable - to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. - Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the - human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. - Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to - the instantaneous fermentation of <i>sputa</i> diffused in a spray. From - this peculiarity he names the disorder <i>Convulsio spargens</i>. - </p> - <p> - LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet - Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing - skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of - all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable - knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the - quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken - a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. - </p> - <p> - LAUREL, n. The <i>laurus</i>, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and - formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had - influence at court. (<i>Vide supra.</i>) - </p> - <p> - LAW, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Once Law was sitting on the bench, - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. - "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. - Upon your knees if you appear, - 'Tis plain your have no standing here." - - Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "<i>Your</i> status?—devil seize you!" - "<i>Amica curiae,</i>" she replied— - "Friend of the court, so please you." - "Begone!" he shouted—"there's the door— - I never saw your face before!" -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. - </p> - <p> - LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. - </p> - <p> - LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. - </p> - <p> - LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light - lovers—particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's - wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of - such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An - interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at - the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great - quantities. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hail, holy Lead!—of human feuds the great - And universal arbiter; endowed - With penetration to pierce any cloud - Fogging the field of controversial hate, - And with a swift, inevitable, straight, - Searching precision find the unavowed - But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed - By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. - O useful metal!—were it not for thee - We'd grapple one another's ears alway: - But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee - We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." - And when the quick have run away like pellets - Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. -</pre> - <p> - LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. - </p> - <p> - LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and - his faith in your patience. - </p> - <p> - LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. - </p> - <p> - LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a - word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this - famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. - Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" -</pre> - <p> - It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach - pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called - in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in - believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could - be run into a single line. - </p> - <p> - LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus <i>Lactuca</i>, "Wherewith," says that - pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good - and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has - discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency - whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and - ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the - heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of - spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to the Adversary to eat of - lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a - rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of - spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and - raises the song." - </p> - <p> - LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it - to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, - of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a - species of gigantic Tadpole (<i>Thaddeus Polandensis</i>) or Polliwig—<i>Maria - pseudo-hirsuta</i>. For an exhaustive description and history of the - Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Potter, <i>Thaddeus of Warsaw</i>. - </p> - <p> - LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording - some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can - to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods. - For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be - considered "as one having authority," whereas his function is only to make - a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human - understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its - right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. - Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or - "obsolescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their - need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor—whereby - the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the - contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if - it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, - has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" - —although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven - forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that <i>was</i> in the - dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from - the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning - and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were - possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly - renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation—sweeter - than honey and stronger than a lion—the lexicographer was a person - unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him - to create. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," - And lexicographers arose, a swarm! - Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, - And catalogued each garment in a book. - Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: - "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise - And scan the list, and say without compassion: - "Excuse us—they are mostly out of fashion." -</pre> - <p> - Sigismund Smith - </p> - <p> - LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. - </p> - <p> - LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The rising People, hot and out of breath, - Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" - "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; - You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." -</pre> - <p> - Martha Braymance - </p> - <p> - LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a - newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the - blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the - lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the - latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is - more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a - confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the - parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, - every sneak will plunder if he dare. - </p> - <p> - LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in - daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The - question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by - those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in - support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health - enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," - Carelessly caroled the golden youth. - In manhood still he maintained that view - And held it more strongly the older he grew. - When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, - "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. -</pre> - <p> - Han Soper - </p> - <p> - LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government - maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. - </p> - <p> - LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, - And the salesman laced them tight - To a very remarkable height— - Higher, indeed, than I think he ought— - Higher than <i>can</i> be right. - For the Bible declares—but never mind: - It is hardly fit - To censure freely and fault to find - With others for sins that I'm not inclined - Myself to commit. - Each has his weakness, and though my own - Is freedom from every sin, - It still were unfair to pitch in, - Discharging the first censorious stone. - Besides, the truth compels me to say, - The boots in question were <i>made</i> that way. - As he drew the lace she made a grimace, - And blushingly said to him: - "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, - It hurts my—hurts my—limb." - The salesman smiled in a manner mild, - Like an artless, undesigning child; - Then, checking himself, to his face he gave - A look as sorrowful as the grave, - Though he didn't care two figs - For her pains and throes, - As he stroked her toes, - Remarking with speech and manner just - Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust - That it doesn't hurt your twigs." -</pre> - <p> - B. Percival Dike - </p> - <p> - LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails - a great waste of hemp."—Calcraft the Hangman. - </p> - <p> - LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining - his bones. - </p> - <p> - LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a - sausage. - </p> - <p> - LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious - with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows - to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even - Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our - hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life; hence - its name—liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best - gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with - the Strasbourg <i>pate</i>. - </p> - <p> - LL.D. Letters indicating the degree <i>Legumptionorum Doctor</i>, one - learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon - this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly <i>LL.d.</i>, and - conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date - of this writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of - making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D.—<i>Damnator - Diaboli</i>. The new honor will be known as <i>Sanctorum Custus</i>, and - written <i>$$c</i>. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as - a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that - Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. - </p> - <p> - LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and - enlightenment. - </p> - <p> - LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable - newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. - </p> - <p> - LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the - limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of - logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a - conclusion—thus: - </p> - <p> - <i>Major Premise</i>: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as - quickly as one man. - </p> - <p> - <i>Minor Premise</i>: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; - therefore— - </p> - <p> - <i>Conclusion</i>: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - </p> - <p> - This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining - logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. - </p> - <p> - LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds - punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem—a kind of contest in - which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied - the reward of success. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men - That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. - Alas! we cannot know if this is true, - For reading Milton's wit we perish too. -</pre> - <p> - LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance - while maturing a plan of revenge. - </p> - <p> - LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. - </p> - <p> - LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show - for man's disillusion given. - </p> - <p> - The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, - not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had - long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any other - subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful - mirror, so that when absent out of thine august presence I may yet do - homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in - the glory of thy benign countenance, as which nothing has so divine - splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!" - </p> - <p> - Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to - the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither without apprisal, he - found it in an apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror - was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that - he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all - the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be - thrown into prison, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his - own palace; and this was done. But when the king looked again on the - mirror he saw not his image as before, but only the figure of a crowned - ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves—as the - artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared - to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to - liberty, had the mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many - years with justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death - while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure - of an angel, which remains to this day. - </p> - <p> - LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his - tongue when you wish to talk. - </p> - <p> - LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a - costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The - traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry - Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a - title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than - true reverence. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, - Wedded a wandering English lord— - Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," - A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. - Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare - Unworthy the father-in-legal care - Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth - That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; - For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage - Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. - Among them, cupidity caused him to urge - Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, - Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw - Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, - And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, - To the business of being a lord himself. - His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed - And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; - Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear - A whisker that looked like a blasted career. - He painted his neck an incarnadine hue - Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. - The moony monocular set in his eye - Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. - His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, - And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. - In speech he eschewed his American ways, - Denying his nose to the use of his A's - And dulling their edge till the delicate sense - Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. - His H's—'twas most inexpressibly sweet, - The patter they made as they fell at his feet! - Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear - Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. - Alas, the Divinity shaping his end - Entertained other views and decided to send - His lordship in horror, despair and dismay - From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. - For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde - Fell—suffering Caesar!—in love with her dad! -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - LORE, n. Learning—particularly that sort which is not derived from a - regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult books, or - by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and embraces - popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's <i>Curious Myths of - the Middle Ages</i> the reader will find many of these traced backward, - through various people on converging lines, toward a common origin in - remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of "Teddy the Giant Killer," - "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little Red Riding Hood and the Sugar - Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip - Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The fable which Goethe so affectingly relates - under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in - Greece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." One of the most general and - ancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty - Rockefellers." - </p> - <p> - LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter - sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election"; and - of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is - in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the - famous epitaph: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Here Huntington's ashes long have lain - Whose loss is our eternal gain, - For while he exercised all his powers - Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. -</pre> - <p> - LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the - patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This - disease, like <i>caries</i> and many other ailments, is prevalent only - among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous - nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its - ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than - to the patient. - </p> - <p> - LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. - </p> - <p> - LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not - writing about it. - </p> - <p> - LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one - whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke - and other observers, but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos - avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they - are more like the hill tribes of Vermont. - </p> - <p> - LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a - figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery - lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, - And pick with care the disobedient wire. - That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook - With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. - I bide my time, and it shall come at length, - When, with a Titan's energy and strength, - I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, - The word shall suffer when I let them go! -</pre> - <p> - Farquharson Harris - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"></a> - M - </h2> - <p> - MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy - club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent. - </p> - <p> - MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's - open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - So plain the advantages of machination - It constitutes a moral obligation, - And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing - Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. - So prospers still the diplomatic art, - And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. -</pre> - <p> - R.S.K. - </p> - <p> - MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History - is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but - some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian - peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he - considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanavius relates - that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time - when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, - England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all - that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity (<i>macrobiosis</i>) - in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. - The editor of <i>The American</i>, a newspaper in New York City, has a - memory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the - fact. The President of the United States was born so long ago that many of - the friends of his youth have risen to high political and military - preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following - were written by a macrobian: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When I was young the world was fair - And amiable and sunny. - A brightness was in all the air, - In all the waters, honey. - The jokes were fine and funny, - The statesmen honest in their views, - And in their lives, as well, - And when you heard a bit of news - 'Twas true enough to tell. - Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, - Nor women "generally speaking." - - The Summer then was long indeed: - It lasted one whole season! - The sparkling Winter gave no heed - When ordered by Unreason - To bring the early peas on. - Now, where the dickens is the sense - In calling that a year - Which does no more than just commence - Before the end is near? - When I was young the year extended - From month to month until it ended. - I know not why the world has changed - To something dark and dreary, - And everything is now arranged - To make a fellow weary. - The Weather Man—I fear he - Has much to do with it, for, sure, - The air is not the same: - It chokes you when it is impure, - When pure it makes you lame. - With windows closed you are asthmatic; - Open, neuralgic or sciatic. - - Well, I suppose this new regime - Of dun degeneration - Seems eviler than it would seem - To a better observation, - And has for compensation - Some blessings in a deep disguise - Which mortal sight has failed - To pierce, although to angels' eyes - They're visible unveiled. - If Age is such a boon, good land! - He's costumed by a master hand! -</pre> - <p> - Venable Strigg - </p> - <p> - MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not - conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the - conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, - unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials - destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this - present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his - own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught - he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to - him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against - the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the - innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. - </p> - <p> - MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This - definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala - being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke. It has - also the official sanction of the governments of Great Britain and the - United States. In England the word is pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, - adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and - their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the - greatest of revisers. - </p> - <p> - MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other - arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does - not name them. - </p> - <p> - MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. - </p> - <p> - MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. - </p> - <p> - The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of - one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a - great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. - </p> - <p> - MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which - the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the - glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. - </p> - <p> - MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and - nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one - thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if - one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had - been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and - distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer would be no more - impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we know to the - contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its - component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some - animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own - blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the - unthinkable distance from one of these to another. - </p> - <p> - MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it - might be taught to talk. - </p> - <p> - MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct - and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical - distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The - maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and - her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness - distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her - that is audible, bleaten out of the field by the canary—which, - also, is more portable. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang— - This quaint, sweet song sang she; - "It's O for a youth with a football bang - And a muscle fair to see! - The Captain he - Of a team to be! - On the gridiron he shall shine, - A monarch by right divine, - And never to roast on it—me!" -</pre> - <p> - Opoline Jones - </p> - <p> - MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt - by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and - Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican - America. - </p> - <p> - MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the - human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has - two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - </p> - <p> - MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. - </p> - <p> - MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed - in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done - by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was - Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way - of thinking. - </p> - <p> - MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of - nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out - to nurse, or use the bottle. - </p> - <p> - MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in - the holy city of New York. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He swore that all other religions were gammon, - And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. -</pre> - <p> - Jared Oopf - </p> - <p> - MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he - is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is - extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, - multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable - earth and Canada. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When the world was young and Man was new, - And everything was pleasant, - Distinctions Nature never drew - 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. - We're not that way at present, - Save here in this Republic, where - We have that old regime, - For all are kings, however bare - Their backs, howe'er extreme - Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice - To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. - - A citizen who would not vote, - And, therefore, was detested, - Was one day with a tarry coat - (With feathers backed and breasted) - By patriots invested. - "It is your duty," cried the crowd, - "Your ballot true to cast - For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, - And explained his wicked past: - "That's what I very gladly would have done, - Dear patriots, but he has never run." -</pre> - <p> - Apperton Duke - </p> - <p> - MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a - state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were - buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy - afterward. - </p> - <p> - MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare - between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the - victorious Opposition. - </p> - <p> - MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. - When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the - soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original - occupants. - </p> - <p> - MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, - a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - </p> - <p> - MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired - death. - </p> - <p> - MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an - imaginary one. Important. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Material things I know, or feel, or see; - All else is immaterial to me. -</pre> - <p> - Jamrach Holobom - </p> - <p> - MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. - </p> - <p> - MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a - state religion. - </p> - <p> - ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has - three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is - all three. - </p> - <p> - MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient - name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which - turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and - Trojans boasted of their prowess. - </p> - <p> - MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or - services more or less authentic. - </p> - <p> - It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly - rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he - replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he didn't. - </p> - <p> - MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. - </p> - <p> - MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - M is for Moses, - Who slew the Egyptian. - As sweet as a rose is - The meekness of Moses. - No monument shows his - Post-mortem inscription, - But M is for Moses - Who slew the Egyptian. -</pre> - <p> - <i>The Biographical Alphabet</i> - </p> - <p> - MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be - made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown - is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that - industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the - manufacturers. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - There was a youth (you've heard before, - This woeful tale, may be), - Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore - That color it would he! - - He shut himself from the world away, - Nor any soul he saw. - He smoked by night, he smoked by day, - As hard as he could draw. - - His dog died moaning in the wrath - Of winds that blew aloof; - The weeds were in the gravel path, - The owl was on the roof. - - "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," - The neighbors sadly say. - And so they batter in the door - To take his goods away. - - Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, - Nut-brown in face and limb. - "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, - "But it has colored him!" - - The moral there's small need to sing— - 'Tis plain as day to you: - Don't play your game on any thing - That is a gamester too. -</pre> - <p> - Martin Bulstrode - </p> - <p> - MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. - </p> - <p> - MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is - one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. - </p> - <p> - MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. - </p> - <p> - MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and - asked Incredulity to dinner. - </p> - <p> - METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. - </p> - <p> - MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be - screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. - </p> - <p> - MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief - activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the - futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but - itself to know itself with. From the Latin <i>mens</i>, a fact unknown to - that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor over - the way had displayed the motto "<i>Mens conscia recti</i>," emblazoned - his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's conscia - recti." - </p> - <p> - MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. - </p> - <p> - MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In - diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible - embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a - degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. - </p> - <p> - MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. - </p> - <p> - MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a - color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear. - </p> - <p> - MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, - as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a - king. - </p> - <p> - MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, - the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded - as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language. - </p> - <p> - MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony - and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - By misdemeanors he essays to climb - Into the aristocracy of crime. - O, woe was him!—with manner chill and grand - "Captains of industry" refused his hand, - "Kings of finance" denied him recognition - And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. - He robbed a bank to make himself respected. - They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. -</pre> - <p> - S.V. Hanipur - </p> - <p> - MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot - soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. - </p> - <p> - MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. - </p> - <p> - MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that - they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three - most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. - Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general - abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped - to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to - the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. - </p> - <p> - MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished - from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a - closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of - matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe - are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with - Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether—whose - existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present - trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs - from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A - fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more - about the matter than the others. - </p> - <p> - MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See <i>Molecule</i>.) - According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the - monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation—Leibnitz - knows him by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a - theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resentment, for - the monad is a gentleman. Small as he is, the monad contains all the - powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German - philosopher of the first class —altogether a very capable little - fellow. He is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its - inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely - distinct species. - </p> - <p> - MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as - the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion - to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a considerable - influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but - in western Europe political administration is mostly entrusted to his - ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the - status of his own head. - </p> - <p> - MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. - </p> - <p> - MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - </p> - <p> - MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part - with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. - Supportable property. - </p> - <p> - MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical - trees. - </p> - <p> - MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes - who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by - appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon—that is to - say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any - but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The man who writes in Saxon - Is the man to use an ax on -</pre> - <p> - Judibras - </p> - <p> - MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our - religion overlooked the advantages. - </p> - <p> - MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either - needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The bones of Agammemnon are a show, - And ruined is his royal monument, -</pre> - <p> - but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument - custom has its <i>reductiones ad absurdum</i> in monuments "to the unknown - dead"—that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those - who have left no memory. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. -Having the quality of general expediency. - - It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on - one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other - syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much - conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act - as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. - - <i>Gooke's Meditations</i> -</pre> - <p> - MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. - </p> - <p> - MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome - Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the - most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to - the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have - descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little - dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is - the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, - some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own - feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the - pleasures of the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is - nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that - rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible - cruelty to lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. - </p> - <p> - MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New - Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell muskeeter. - </p> - <p> - MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the - heart. - </p> - <p> - MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to - the vice of independence. A term of contempt. - </p> - <p> - MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. - </p> - <p> - MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a - republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude of - counsellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of equal - individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be that they - acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting together. Whence - comes it? Obviously from nowhere—as well say that a range of - mountains is higher than the single mountains composing it. A multitude is - as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than - its most foolish. - </p> - <p> - MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern - civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an - excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar - curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, - Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. - We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, - Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, - Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, - And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. - O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: - For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? -</pre> - <p> - Scopas Brune - </p> - <p> - MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, - the American wife of an English nobleman. - </p> - <p> - MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles—particularly when he didn't - lead. - </p> - <p> - MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its - origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from - the true accounts which it invents later. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"></a> - N - </h2> - <p> - NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret - of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they - come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Juno drank a cup of nectar, - But the draught did not affect her. - Juno drank a cup of rye— - Then she bad herself good-bye. -</pre> - <p> - J.G. - </p> - <p> - NEGRO, n. The <i>piece de resistance</i> in the American political - problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to build - their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, appears to - give an unsatisfactory solution. - </p> - <p> - NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does - all he knows how to make us disobedient. - </p> - <p> - NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the - party. - </p> - <p> - NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by - Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was - unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to - be able to say when. - </p> - <p> - NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. - The leader of the school is Tolstoi. - </p> - <p> - NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation - awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it. - </p> - <p> - NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to - incur social distinction and suffer high life. - </p> - <p> - NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and - authenticating sign of civilization. - </p> - <p> - NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put - forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of the - opposition. - </p> - <p> - NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private - life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. - </p> - <p> - NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. - </p> - <p> - NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent - dictionary. - </p> - <p> - NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great - conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of - humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's - nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from - which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid - of the sense of smell. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - There's a man with a Nose, - And wherever he goes - The people run from him and shout: - "No cotton have we - For our ears if so be - He blow that interminous snout!" - - So the lawyers applied - For injunction. "Denied," - Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, - Whate'er it portend, - Appears to transcend - The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." -</pre> - <p> - Arpad Singiny - </p> - <p> - NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of - renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder - leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. - </p> - <p> - NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely - seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit - difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of reasoning—which - is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and exposition of noumena - offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the endless variety and - excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah (therefore) for the noumenon! - </p> - <p> - NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the same - relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long - to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its successive parts are - successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is - impossible; for besides the few pages last read all that is carried in - mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. To the romance the novel is - what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing principle, - probability, corresponds to the literal actuality of the photograph and - puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing - of the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as - he may be fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of the literary - art are imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing - novels, such as it was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it - is new. Peace to its ashes—some of which have a large sale. - </p> - <p> - NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"></a> - O - </h2> - <p> - OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the - conscience by a penalty for perjury. - </p> - <p> - OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from - struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold - storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works - without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm - clock. - </p> - <p> - OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of - their predecessors. - </p> - <p> - OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other - critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of - a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for every day in the week, - and on Sundays by two. They were frequently seen, always walking in his - shadow, when he had one, but were finally driven away by the village - notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished - utterly. A devil thrown out of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran - through the trees, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country - was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into a - bird. A chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil - by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to the - surface. The soldier, unfortunately, did not. - </p> - <p> - OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word - which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object - of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has - no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good - writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a - measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his - work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be - singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large - possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not - happen to be a competent reader. - </p> - <p> - OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the - splendor and stress of our advocacy. - </p> - <p> - The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent - animal. - </p> - <p> - OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, - however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase - "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as - an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us a - little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to - irregular recurrence. - </p> - <p> - OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It - is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, - whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased - to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of - the Orient. - </p> - <p> - OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for - man—who has no gills. - </p> - <p> - OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the - advance of an army against its enemy. - </p> - <p> - "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" - replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his - works!" - </p> - <p> - OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with - general inefficiency, as an <i>old man</i>. Discredited by lapse of time - and offensive to the popular taste, as an <i>old</i> book. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. - "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." - Nature herself approves the Goby rule - And gives us every moment a fresh fool. -</pre> - <p> - Harley Shum - </p> - <p> - OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. - </p> - <p> - Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, - oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as - Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would - stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it. - </p> - <p> - OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, - now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated - sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His name the smirking tourist scrawls - Upon Minerva's temple walls, - Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, - And marks his appetite's abuse. -</pre> - <p> - Averil Joop - </p> - <p> - OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. - </p> - <p> - ONCE, adv. Enough. - </p> - <p> - OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants - have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but - attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word <i>simulation</i> is - from <i>simia</i>, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model <i>Simia - audibilis</i> (or <i>Pithecanthropos stentor</i>)—the ape that - howls. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The actor apes a man—at least in shape; - The opera performer apes an ape. -</pre> - <p> - OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the - jail yard. - </p> - <p> - OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. - </p> - <p> - OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - How lonely he who thinks to vex - With bandinage the Solemn Sex! - Of levity, Mere Man, beware; - None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. -</pre> - <p> - Percy P. Orminder - </p> - <p> - OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from - running amuck by hamstringing it. - </p> - <p> - The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of - government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a - parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he - named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully - instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, - the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, - the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again - they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty - promptly disemboweled themselves. - </p> - <p> - "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be - maintained without a party of Opposition." - </p> - <p> - "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these - dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. - Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." - </p> - <p> - So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and - stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. - Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But - one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated—the members of - the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged - the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was - dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by - the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo. - </p> - <p> - OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, - including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and - everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those - most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most - acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, - it is inaccessible to the light of disproof—an intellectual - disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but - fortunately not contagious. - </p> - <p> - OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. - </p> - <p> - A pessimist applied to God for relief. - </p> - <p> - "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - </p> - <p> - "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would - justify them." - </p> - <p> - "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something—the - mortality of the optimist." - </p> - <p> - ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the - understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. - </p> - <p> - ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial - ingratitude—a privation appealing with a particular eloquence to all - that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the orphan is commonly - sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of its rudimentary sense - of locality it is taught to know its place. It is then instructed in the - arts of dependence and servitude and eventually turned loose to prey upon - the world as a bootblack or scullery maid. - </p> - <p> - ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. - </p> - <p> - ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. - Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for - the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of - Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded - hereafter. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A spelling reformer indicted - For fudge was before the court cicted. - The judge said: "Enough— - His candle we'll snough, - And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." -</pre> - <p> - OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has - denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a - conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of - wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich - does not fly. - </p> - <p> - OTHERWISE, adv. No better. - </p> - <p> - OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of - intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of - an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; - the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when he - performed it. - </p> - <p> - OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. - </p> - <p> - OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government - has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - I climbed to the top of a mountain one day - To see the sun setting in glory, - And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, - Of a perfectly splendid story. - - 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode - Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; - Then the man would carry him miles on the road - Till Neddy was pretty well rested. - - The moon rising solemnly over the crest - Of the hills to the east of my station - Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west - Like a visible new creation. - - And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) - Of an idle young woman who tarried - About a church-door for a look at the bride, - Although 'twas herself that was married. - - To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand - Ideas—with thought and emotion. - I pity the dunces who don't understand - The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. -</pre> - <p> - Stromboli Smith - </p> - <p> - OVATION, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who - had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph." - In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and - spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and - place. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, - But I thought it uncommonly queer, - That people and critics by him had been led - By the ear. - - The Latin lexicon makes his absurd - Assertion as plain as a peg; - In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. - It means egg. -</pre> - <p> - Dudley Spink - </p> - <p> - OVEREAT, v. To dine. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, - Well skilled to overeat without distress! - Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, - Shows Man's superiority to Beast. -</pre> - <p> - John Boop - </p> - <p> - OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who - want to go fishing. - </p> - <p> - OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not - indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors - there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. - </p> - <p> - OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the - hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes - given to the poor. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"></a> - P - </h2> - <p> - PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in - something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused - by the good fortune of another. - </p> - <p> - PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and - exposing them to the critic. - </p> - <p> - Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the - ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two - arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. - </p> - <p> - PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great - official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is - called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, - or wayside. There is progress. - </p> - <p> - PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar - "itching palm" (<i>Palma hominis</i>) is most widely distributed and - sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible - gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or - silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the - itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a considerable percentage - of it is sometimes given away in what are known as "benefactions." - </p> - <p> - PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) - of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" - in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether - false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the - wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." The - imposture consists in not reading it aloud. - </p> - <p> - PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have - escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture - hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient - echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of - distinction. - </p> - <p> - PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The - garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. - Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the - enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. - </p> - <p> - PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to - the doctrine that God is everything. - </p> - <p> - PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the - language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. - </p> - <p> - PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to - the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. - </p> - <p> - PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going - abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special - reprobation and outrage. - </p> - <p> - PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a - slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present - parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand - divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, - are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the - other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the - Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth - and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope - flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of - ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of - to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream. - </p> - <p> - PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for - intellectual debility. - </p> - <p> - PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. - </p> - <p> - PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of - the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. - </p> - <p> - PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious - to illuminate his name. - </p> - <p> - In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last - resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior - lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - </p> - <p> - PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two - periods of fighting. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - O, what's the loud uproar assailing - Mine ears without cease? - 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing - The horrors of peace. - - Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it— - Would marry it, too. - If only they knew how to do it - 'Twere easy to do. - - They're working by night and by day - On their problem, like moles. - Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, - On their meddlesome souls! -</pre> - <p> - Ro Amil - </p> - <p> - PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an - automobile. - </p> - <p> - PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a - swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. - </p> - <p> - PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. - </p> - <p> - PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual - by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. - </p> - <p> - The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out - the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," - promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and - mailed it to Matthew Arnold. - </p> - <p> - PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, - who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his - pupil's objections. A needless precaution—they knew no more of the - matter than he. - </p> - <p> - PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to - an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity - is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it. - </p> - <p> - PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious - success. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, - Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. - "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare— - The one at the goal while the other is—where?" - Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease - Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, - The goal and the rival forgotten alike, - And the long fatigue of the needless hike. - His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew - Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, - He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, - A winner of all that is good in a race. -</pre> - <p> - Sukker Uffro - </p> - <p> - PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by - the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and - his unsightly smile. - </p> - <p> - PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained - himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. - </p> - <p> - PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, - following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes - learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. - </p> - <p> - PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. - </p> - <p> - PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." - </p> - <p> - PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. - </p> - <p> - PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It - is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as - that of a Cheyenne. - </p> - <p> - PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It - consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with. - </p> - <p> - PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when - well. - </p> - <p> - PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the - resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the - standard of excellence. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, - "To read the mind's construction in the face." - The physiognomists his portrait scan, - And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! - He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, - So, in his own defence, denied our art." -</pre> - <p> - Lavatar Shunk - </p> - <p> - PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is - operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the - audience. - </p> - <p> - PICKANINNY, n. The young of the <i>Procyanthropos</i>, or <i>Americanus - dominans</i>. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. - </p> - <p> - PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in - three. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view— - Taken from Life." If that description's true, - Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. -</pre> - <p> - Jali Hane - </p> - <p> - PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. -</pre> - <p> - Rev. Dr. Mucker - </p> - <p> - (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Cold pie is a detestable - American comestible. - That's why I'm done—or undone— - So far from that dear London. -</pre> - <p> - (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) - </p> - <p> - PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed - resemblance to man. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The pig is taught by sermons and epistles - To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. -</pre> - <p> - Judibras - </p> - <p> - PIG, n. An animal (<i>Porcus omnivorus</i>) closely allied to the human - race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is - inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. - </p> - <p> - PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in - many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies - are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians —who - are Hogmies. - </p> - <p> - PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one - who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through - his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God - according to the dictates of his conscience. - </p> - <p> - PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - —prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere - virtues and blameless lives. - </p> - <p> - PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. - </p> - <p> - PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary - encounter with oneself. - </p> - <p> - PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. - </p> - <p> - PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable - priority and an honorable subsequence. - </p> - <p> - PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has - never, never read. - </p> - <p> - PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for - admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the - Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is merely - Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness. - </p> - <p> - PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental - result. - </p> - <p> - PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular - literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a - million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in - artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a - departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose of a - featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of - thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. - </p> - <p> - PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is - a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost. - </p> - <p> - PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and - devour it. - </p> - <p> - PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. - </p> - <p> - PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. - </p> - <p> - PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained - nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a - saturated solution. - </p> - <p> - PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. - </p> - <p> - PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a - diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert - it. - </p> - <p> - PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. - </p> - <p> - PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen. - </p> - <p> - PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent - and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with - the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B - and leave C lamenting a vanished opportunity. - </p> - <p> - POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this - organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied - burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. - </p> - <p> - POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines. - </p> - <p> - POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this - lexicographer unknown. - </p> - <p> - POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. - </p> - <p> - POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. - </p> - <p> - POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of - principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - </p> - <p> - POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure - of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation - of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the - statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. - </p> - <p> - POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with - several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has - but one. - </p> - <p> - POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in - the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon - spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the power of - flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of - thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would - have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some - fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with - Kansas." - </p> - <p> - PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of - possession. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His light estate, if neither he did make it - Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, - Is portable improperty, I take it. -</pre> - <p> - Worgum Slupsky - </p> - <p> - PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are - mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with - garlic. - </p> - <p> - POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - </p> - <p> - POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and - affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its - broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. - </p> - <p> - POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular - author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor. - </p> - <p> - POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, - some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable - only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which - it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been - brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most - uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that - this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative - instinct of the race is to be unscientific—and without science we - are as the snakes and toads. - </p> - <p> - POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The - number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer - from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about it. Its - victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their - faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they - believe these to be unknown. - </p> - <p> - PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a - single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - </p> - <p> - PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race - of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. - Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have been - something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its known of them - beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a - controversy. - </p> - <p> - PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the - absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge - may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he - pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore - those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of - his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the - low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible - arbitrament. - </p> - <p> - PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Precipitate in all, this sinner - Took action first, and then his dinner. -</pre> - <p> - Judibras - </p> - <p> - PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to - programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of - foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not - affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other - doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to - have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the - distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief - in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. - </p> - <p> - PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. - </p> - <p> - PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. - </p> - <p> - PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. - </p> - <p> - PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous - belief that one thing is better than another. - </p> - <p> - An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better - than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," - he replied, "death is no better than life." - </p> - <p> - It is longer. - </p> - <p> - PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating - the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He lived in a period prehistoric, - When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. - Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, - Set down great events in succession and order, - He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous - In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. -</pre> - <p> - Orpheus Bowen - </p> - <p> - PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - </p> - <p> - PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a - fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. - </p> - <p> - PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. - </p> - <p> - PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government - authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. - </p> - <p> - PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the - situation with least harm to the patient. - </p> - <p> - PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment - from the realm of hope. - </p> - <p> - PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and - place. - </p> - <p> - In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he - have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in New York - he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear - two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. - </p> - <p> - PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable - result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He - presided at the piccolo." - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, - Read with a solemn face: - "The music was very uncommonly grand— - The best that was every provided, - For our townsman Brown presided - At the organ with skill and grace." - The Headliner discontinued to read, - And, spread the paper down - On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: - "Great playing by President Brown." -</pre> - <p> - Orpheus Bowen - </p> - <p> - PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics. - </p> - <p> - PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom— - and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of - their countrymen did not want any of them for President. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater - To have been a simple and undamned spectator. - Behold in me a man of mark and note - Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!— - An undiscredited, unhooted gent - Who might, for all we know, be President - By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer— - I'm passing with a wide and open ear! -</pre> - <p> - Jonathan Fomry - </p> - <p> - PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar state. - </p> - <p> - PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience - in demanding it. - </p> - <p> - PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by - involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of - Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when - living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. - </p> - <p> - PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that— - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Stone walls do not a prison make," -</pre> - <p> - but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral - instructor is no garden of sweets. - </p> - <p> - PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his - knapsack and an impediment in his hope. - </p> - <p> - PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in - place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For - purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. - </p> - <p> - Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious - Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, - absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high promontory into - the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, - leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has - appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of <i>The Ladies' Home Journal</i>, is - much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character. - </p> - <p> - PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these - disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such - simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the - sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military - affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in - high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires - personal attendance at the point of propulsion. - </p> - <p> - PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of - unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that - of only one. - </p> - <p> - PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense - by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. - </p> - <p> - PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be - held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for - possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's - brief rapacity and long indifference. - </p> - <p> - PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future - delivery. - </p> - <p> - PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually - forbidden. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes— - O'er Ceylon blow your breath, - Where every prospect pleases, - Save only that of death. -</pre> - <p> - Bishop Sheber - </p> - <p> - PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person - so describing it. - </p> - <p> - PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. - </p> - <p> - PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a - cone of critics. - </p> - <p> - PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in - politics. The other is Pull. - </p> - <p> - PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted - of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern - professors have added that. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"></a> - Q - </h2> - <p> - QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and - through whom it is ruled when there is not. - </p> - <p> - QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded - by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern - equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence. - </p> - <p> - QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the - aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He extracted from his quiver, - Did the controversial Roman, - An argument well fitted - To the question as submitted, - Then addressed it to the liver, - Of the unpersuaded foeman. -</pre> - <p> - Oglum P. Boomp - </p> - <p> - QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the - beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied - to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is - pronounced Ke-ho-tay. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When ignorance from out of our lives can banish - Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. -</pre> - <p> - Juan Smith - </p> - <p> - QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have - their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate - a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a - messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the - Speaker and the devil. - </p> - <p> - QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The - words erroneously repeated. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Intent on making his quotation truer, - He sought the page infallible of Brewer, - Then made a solemn vow that he would be - Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! -</pre> - <p> - Stumpo Gaker - </p> - <p> - QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to - one person is contained in the pocket of another—usually about as - many times as it can be got there. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"></a> - R - </h2> - <p> - RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered - by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian - fable—omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is - Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as - nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") - </p> - <p> - RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading - devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the - unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in - light popular esteem. - </p> - <p> - RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He held at court a rank so high - That other noblemen asked why. - "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack - His skill to scratch the royal back." -</pre> - <p> - Aramis Jukes - </p> - <p> - RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor - can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. - </p> - <p> - RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. - </p> - <p> - RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out - that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the - comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that <i>riz-de-veau - a la financiere</i> is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe - of a she banker. - </p> - <p> - RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. - </p> - <p> - RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect. - </p> - <p> - RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let - These gamblers take your cash." - "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! - How can you be so rash?" -</pre> - <p> - Bootle P. Gish - </p> - <p> - RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, - experience and reflection. - </p> - <p> - RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, <i>Homo ventrambulans</i>. - </p> - <p> - RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by - the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm - his worth. - </p> - <p> - REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it - is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - This is a truth, as old as the hills, - That life and experience teach: - The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, - An impediment in his reach. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - <p> - READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it - consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and - humor in slang. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - We know by one's reading - His learning and breeding; - By what draws his laughter - We know his Hereafter. - Read nothing, laugh never— - The Sphinx was less clever! -</pre> - <p> - Jupiter Muke - </p> - <p> - RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of - to-day. - </p> - <p> - RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a - scientist is a fool with. - </p> - <p> - RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away - from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the - railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to - make the transit with great expedition. - </p> - <p> - RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise - known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United - States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects - preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington - are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are - exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. - </p> - <p> - REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The charm - suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a - measuring-worm. - </p> - <p> - REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the - cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. - </p> - <p> - REALLY, adv. Apparently. - </p> - <p> - REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that - is nearest to Congress. - </p> - <p> - REASON, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. - </p> - <p> - REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. - </p> - <p> - REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. - Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. - </p> - <p> - REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it. - </p> - <p> - RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known. - </p> - <p> - RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the - purpose of digging up the dead. - </p> - <p> - RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. - </p> - <p> - RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to - the player against whom they are loaded. - </p> - <p> - RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general - fatigue. - </p> - <p> - RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and - from a soldier by his gait. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Fresh from the farm or factory or street, - His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, - Were an impressive martial spectacle - Except for two impediments—his feet. -</pre> - <p> - Thompson Johnson - </p> - <p> - RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial - Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. - </p> - <p> - REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, - through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine - of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso - believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to - try to understand it. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, - And take some special measure for redeeming it; - Though hard indeed the task to get it in - Among the angels any way but teaming it, - Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. - I'm awkward at Redemption—a beginner: - My method is to crucify the sinner. -</pre> - <p> - Golgo Brone - </p> - <p> - REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. - </p> - <p> - Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was - permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal - offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. - The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured - moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. - </p> - <p> - RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red—at least - not on the outside. - </p> - <p> - REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; <i>de trop</i>. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant - To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." - To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, - Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." -</pre> - <p> - Habeeb Suleiman - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. -</pre> - <p> - Theodore Roosevelt - </p> - <p> - REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular - vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. - </p> - <p> - REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of - our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils - that we shall not again encounter. - </p> - <p> - REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. - </p> - <p> - REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua - provided six cities of refuge—Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem - and Hebron—to which one who had taken life inadvertently could flee - when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedient - supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy the - pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately - honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece. - </p> - <p> - REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in - marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich - corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by a - priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of - finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal - tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists - the refusal assentive. - </p> - <p> - REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient - and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; - the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the - Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; - the Mystic Alliances of Gorgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the - Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of - Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn - Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the - Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated - Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip; - Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic - Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of - the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of - Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; - Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; - Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic - Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of - Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of - the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of - Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of - the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth - and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. - </p> - <p> - RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the - nature of the Unknowable. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. - "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." - "Then why do you not become an atheist?" - "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." - "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." -</pre> - <p> - RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true - cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the - cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are - commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from - coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from - the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in - Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke - and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the - "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised - the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern - custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This - unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the offender was publicly - anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint - Dennis, brought from Rome. - </p> - <p> - RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame—a - little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than - the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate - hand. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - I touched the harp in every key, - But found no heeding ear; - And then Ithuriel touched me - With a revealing spear. - - Not all my genius, great as 'tis, - Could urge me out of night. - I felt the faint appulse of his, - And leapt into the light! -</pre> - <p> - W.J. Candleton - </p> - <p> - REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the - satisfaction felt in committing it. - </p> - <p> - REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a - constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. - In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. - </p> - <p> - REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is - usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with - continuity of sin. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, - You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? - How needless!—Nick will keep you off the coals - And add you to the woes of other souls. -</pre> - <p> - Jomater Abemy - </p> - <p> - REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the - original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made - by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is - the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks. - </p> - <p> - REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with - a tempest of words. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou - Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" - So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew - Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." -</pre> - <p> - Barson Maith - </p> - <p> - REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. - </p> - <p> - REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in - this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. - </p> - <p> - REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally - damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it - was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although - some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation. - </p> - <p> - REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed - being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional - obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order is the ever - lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly - governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of - republics as there are graduations between the despotism whence they came - and the anarchy whither they lead. - </p> - <p> - REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds - sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a - varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. - </p> - <p> - RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. - </p> - <p> - RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an - advantage for a greater advantage. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed - A true renunciation - Of title, rank and every kind - Of military station— - Each honorable station. - - By his example fired—inclined - To noble emulation, - The country humbly was resigned - To Leonard's resignation— - His Christian resignation. -</pre> - <p> - Politian Greame - </p> - <p> - RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. - </p> - <p> - RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a <i>liaison</i> between a bald head - and a bank account. - </p> - <p> - RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an - inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its - passage to the lungs. - </p> - <p> - RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to - enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been - done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a - disagreeable expectation. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Altgeld upon his incandescent bed - Lay, an attendant demon at his head. - - "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief— - Some respite from the roast, however brief." - - "Remember how on earth I pardoned all - Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." - - "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm - O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. - - "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, - Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. - - "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, - Not even the memory of who you are." - - Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; - Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. - - "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be - As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." - - "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack - You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." - - A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide - While they were turning him on t'other side. -</pre> - <p> - Joel Spate Woop - </p> - <p> - RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his - lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an - elemental unit of a parade. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- - and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. -</pre> - <p> - "Chronicles of the Classes" - </p> - <p> - RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of - having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external - coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, responded - to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute - to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentally, to the - gratification of the plaintiff. - </p> - <p> - RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of - God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it - was customary to unload it upon a star. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Alas, things ain't what we should see - If Eve had let that apple be; - And many a feller which had ought - To set with monarchses of thought, - Or play some rosy little game - With battle-chaps on fields of fame, - Is downed by his unlucky star - And hollers: "Peanuts!—here you are!" -</pre> - <p> - "The Sturdy Beggar" - </p> - <p> - RESTITUTION, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public - libraries by gift or bequest. - </p> - <p> - RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. - </p> - <p> - RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law. - </p> - <p> - RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the - just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them. - </p> - <p> - In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father - Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the - imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking - exercise: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go - Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? - Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? - 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, - And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at - Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know - That empires are ungrateful; are you certain - Republics are less handy to get hurt in? -</pre> - <p> - REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no - more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American army - it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that pronunciation our - countrymen have pledged their lives, their misfortunes and their sacred - dishonor. - </p> - <p> - REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all - that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. - </p> - <p> - REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. - </p> - <p> - REVIEW, v.t. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, - Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) - At work upon a book, and so read out of it - The qualities that you have first read into it. -</pre> - <p> - REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule of an - Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness - of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually - accompanied by a considerable effusion of blood, but are accounted worth - it—this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not - the mischance to be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value - to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones - its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of - fomenting law and order. - </p> - <p> - RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious - metals in the pocket of a fool. - </p> - <p> - RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. - </p> - <p> - RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word - is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable - by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth - century—commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic - School. - </p> - <p> - RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular - novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the - conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and is - brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. - </p> - <p> - RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of - the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the - luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the - Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. - To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. - </p> - <p> - RICHES, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in - whom I am well pleased." -</pre> - <p> - John D. Rockefeller - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The reward of toil and virtue. -</pre> - <p> - J.P. Morgan - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The savings of many in the hands of one. -</pre> - <p> - Eugene Debs - </p> - <p> - To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he - can add nothing of value. - </p> - <p> - RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are - uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who - utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury is - quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth—a ridiculous - assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone centuries of ridicule - with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been - more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant Respectability? - </p> - <p> - RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be - a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the - like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be - derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes - affirmed <i>in partibus infidelium</i> outside the enlightened realms of - Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? - Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? - He surely were as stubborn as a mule - Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour - His uninvited session on the throne, or air - His pride securely in the Presidential chair. - - Whatever is is so by Right Divine; - Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! - It were a wondrous thing if His design - A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! - If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) - Is guilty of contributory negligence. -</pre> - <p> - RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the - Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some - feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into - several European countries, but it appears to have been imperfectly - expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found in the only - extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from - which is here given: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of - mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to - the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and - just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; - and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my - injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be - wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty - to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be - righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, - in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better - disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." -</pre> - <p> - RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses - themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and - wickedly) spelled "rhyme." - </p> - <p> - RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, - The sound surceases and the sense expires. - Then the domestic dog, to east and west, - Expounds the passions burning in his breast. - The rising moon o'er that enchanted land - Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. -</pre> - <p> - Mowbray Myles - </p> - <p> - RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent - bystanders. - </p> - <p> - R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of <i>requiescat in pace</i>, attesting an - indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, - however, the letters originally meant nothing more than <i>reductus in - pulvis</i>. - </p> - <p> - RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or - custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it. - </p> - <p> - RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear - freedom, keeping off the grass. - </p> - <p> - ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too - tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, - Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. -</pre> - <p> - Borey the Bald - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> -ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. - It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling -companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, -and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once -there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he -was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." -</pre> - <p> - ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They - Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, as a - domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over - the entire region of the imagination—free, lawless, immune to bit - and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might say—a - mere reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not - imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire - narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition on - himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening chain" of his own forging - he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as a - candle's ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There - are great novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to - write them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating - fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights." - </p> - <p> - ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too - are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life - long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex electrical device - worn upon another part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to - an apparatus known as the preachment. - </p> - <p> - ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In - America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds - the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. - </p> - <p> - ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil - war—so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his - enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points of difference - between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of - quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent - fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair grow than to wash his - neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soap-boilers, - deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of - their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now wear - their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient - strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility. - </p> - <p> - RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, - literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying - due south from Boreaplas. - </p> - <p> - RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the - virtue of maids. - </p> - <p> - RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total - abstainers. - </p> - <p> - RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, - By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, - O serviceable Rumor, let me wield - Against my enemy no other blade. - His be the terror of a foe unseen, - His the inutile hand upon the hilt, - And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, - Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. - So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, - Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, - And nurse my valor for another foe. -</pre> - <p> - Joel Buxter - </p> - <p> - RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar - Emetic. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"></a> - S - </h2> - <p> - SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made - the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews - observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the - Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it - wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath - should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church - held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the - Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down - to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in - the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, - And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. -</pre> - <p> - Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain - with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance. - </p> - <p> - SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. - Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now - flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians. - </p> - <p> - SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of - authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but - the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford - only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have - no sacraments at all—for which mean economy they will indubitable be - damned. - </p> - <p> - SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine - character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of - Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in - India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of - Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - All things are either sacred or profane. - The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; - The latter to the devil appertain. -</pre> - <p> - Dumbo Omohundro - </p> - <p> - SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis - Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered - in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the traditions of his - species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought off by his - law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent and dying impenitently - rich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a constitution - that was a confection of sin in a diction of solecisms. The similarity - between the words "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically - significant, but indubitably suggestive. - </p> - <p> - SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the - fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting - apparatus. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Once I seen a human ruin - In an elevator-well, - And his members was bestrewin' - All the place where he had fell. - - And I says, apostrophisin' - That uncommon woful wreck: - "Your position's so surprisin' - That I tremble for your neck!" - - Then that ruin, smilin' sadly - And impressive, up and spoke: - "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, - For it's been a fortnight broke." - - Then, for further comprehension - Of his attitude, he begs - I will focus my attention - On his various arms and legs— - - How they all are contumacious; - Where they each, respective, lie; - How one trotter proves ungracious, - T'other one an <i>alibi</i>. - - These particulars is mentioned - For to show his dismal state, - Which I wasn't first intentioned - To specifical relate. - - None is worser to be dreaded - That I ever have heard tell - Than the gent's who there was spreaded - In that elevator-well. - - Now this tale is allegoric— - It is figurative all, - For the well is metaphoric - And the feller didn't fall. - - I opine it isn't moral - For a writer-man to cheat, - And despise to wear a laurel - As was gotten by deceit. - - For 'tis Politics intended - By the elevator, mind, - It will boost a person splendid - If his talent is the kind. - - Col. Bryan had the talent - (For the busted man is him) - And it shot him up right gallant - Till his head begun to swim. - - Then the rope it broke above him - And he painful come to earth - Where there's nobody to love him - For his detrimented worth. - - Though he's livin' none would know him, - Or at leastwise not as such. - Moral of this woful poem: - Frequent oil your safety-clutch. -</pre> - <p> - Porfer Poog - </p> - <p> - SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. - </p> - <p> - The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, - Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, - on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear that Monsieur de - Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate things, and used to - cheat at cards. In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a - fool." - </p> - <p> - SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular - novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it - another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a - neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have - the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to - burn their sheaves. - </p> - <p> - SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an - anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now - believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having - been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a - bucket of holy water. - </p> - <p> - SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain - kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body - placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographers is commonly - a product of the carpenter's art. - </p> - <p> - SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth - and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself - multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway - in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last - went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he. - </p> - <p> - "Name it." - </p> - <p> - "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." - </p> - <p> - "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of - eternity with hatred of his soul—you ask for the right to make his - laws?" - </p> - <p> - "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." - </p> - <p> - It was so ordered. - </p> - <p> - SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its - contents, madam. - </p> - <p> - SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and - follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. - In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain - existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, - the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and - sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" - with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are - reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a - sour-spirited knave, and his ever victim's outcry for codefendants evokes - a national assent. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung - In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, - For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well— - Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. - Had it been such as consecrates the Bible - Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. -</pre> - <p> - Barney Stims - </p> - <p> - SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded - recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a - member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance with - Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not - infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation - of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat. - </p> - <p> - SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A - people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has - only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a - vice is renounced and forgiven. - </p> - <p> - SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) - So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are - examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A penny saved is a penny to squander. - - A man is known by the company that he organizes. - - A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. - - A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. - - Better late than before anybody has invited you. - - Example is better than following it. - - Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. - - Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. - - What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. - - Least said is soonest disavowed. - - He laughs best who laughs least. - - Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. - - Of two evils choose to be the least. - - Strike while your employer has a big contract. - - Where there's a will there's a won't. -</pre> - <p> - SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our - familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact - that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating - its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of - the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverence among - ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, but the - American priest is an inferior priest. - </p> - <p> - SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He fell by his own hand - Beneath the great oak tree. - He'd traveled in a foreign land. - He tried to make her understand - The dance that's called the Saraband, - But he called it Scarabee. - He had called it so through an afternoon, - And she, the light of his harem if so might be, - Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, - All frosted there in the shine o' the moon— - Dead for a Scarabee - And a recollection that came too late. - O Fate! - They buried him where he lay, - He sleeps awaiting the Day, - In state, - And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, - Gloom over the grave and then move on. - Dead for a Scarabee! - Fernando Tapple -</pre> - <p> - SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The - rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but - always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself - no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude - penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a - library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a - sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and - is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave - objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the - taint of justice. - </p> - <p> - SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his - authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished - his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their - proponents. - </p> - <p> - SCIMITAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which - certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here - related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese of - Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to - decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after - the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his - Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man - who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! - "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged - monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and - have your head struck off by the public executioner at three - o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" - "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the - condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is - a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and - vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I - ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The - executioner appeared with his bare scimitar, ostentatiously - whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, - strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a - favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable - and treasonous head." - "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled - caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. - "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh—I - know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." - "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an - attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the - Presence. - "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" - roared the sovereign—"why didst thou but lightly tap the neck - that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" - "Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, - unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." - Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted - like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung - violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered - peacefully to the close, without incident. - All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as - white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled - and his breath came in gasps of terror. - "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a - ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly - because in flourishing the scimitar I had accidentally passed it - through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." - So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and - advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. -</pre> - <p> - SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of - some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen - to read about themselves or employ others to collect. One of these - egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon - Peters: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast - You keep a record true - Of every kind of peppered roast - That's made of you; - - Wherein you paste the printed gibes - That revel round your name, - Thinking the laughter of the scribes - Attests your fame; - - Where all the pictures you arrange - That comic pencils trace— - Your funny figure and your strange - Semitic face— - - Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, - Nor art, but there I'll list - The daily drubbings you'd have got - Had God a fist. -</pre> - <p> - SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's - own. - </p> - <p> - SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished - from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. - </p> - <p> - SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their - authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached - to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is - a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with - cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of - the authority that they represent. In the British museum are preserved - many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal character, validated by - necromantic pentagrams and other devices, frequently initial letters of - words to conjure with; and in many instances these are attached in the - same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every reasonless and - apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern times had - origin in some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an example of - ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really - useful. Our word "sincere" is derived from <i>sine cero</i>, without wax, - but the learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the - absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters - were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will - serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., commonly - appended to signatures of legal documents, mean <i>locum sigillis</i>, the - place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used —an admirable - example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the beasts that perish. - The words <i>locum sigillis</i> are humbly suggested as a suitable motto - for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take their place as a - sovereign State of the American Union. - </p> - <p> - SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of - environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more - easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut - stones. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The devil casting a seine of lace, - (With precious stones 'twas weighted) - Drew it into the landing place - And its contents calculated. - - All souls of women were in that sack— - A draft miraculous, precious! - But ere he could throw it across his back - They'd all escaped through the meshes. -</pre> - <p> - Baruch de Loppis - </p> - <p> - SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. - </p> - <p> - SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. - </p> - <p> - SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. - </p> - <p> - SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and - misdemeanors. - </p> - <p> - SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping - through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to - each installment is a "synposis of preceding chapters" for those who have - not read them, but a direr need is a synposis of succeeding chapters for - those who do not intend to read <i>them</i>. A synposis of the entire work - would be still better. - </p> - <p> - The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly paper in - collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to us. They - wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the installment for - one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world without end, they - hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday morning when Bowman - read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he found his work cut out - for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His collaborator had embarked - every character of the narrative on a ship and sunk them all in the - deepest part of the Atlantic. - </p> - <p> - SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held - individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are - believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands - that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell - to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind - Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; - Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay— - His small belongings their appointed prey; - Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, - Persuaded elsewhere every little while! - His fire unquenched and his undying worm - By "land in severalty" (charming term!) - Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, - And he to his new holding anchored fast! -</pre> - <p> - SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose most - characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the - catching and hanging of rogues. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - John Elmer Pettibone Cajee - (I write of him with little glee) - Was just as bad as he could be. - - 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! - The sun has never looked upon - So bad a man as Neighbor John." - - A sinner through and through, he had - This added fault: it made him mad - To know another man was bad. - - In such a case he thought it right - To rise at any hour of night - And quench that wicked person's light. - - Despite the town's entreaties, he - Would hale him to the nearest tree - And leave him swinging wide and free. - - Or sometimes, if the humor came, - A luckless wight's reluctant frame - Was given to the cheerful flame. - - While it was turning nice and brown, - All unconcerned John met the frown - Of that austere and righteous town. - - "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he - So scornful of the law should be— - An anar c, h, i, s, t." - - (That is the way that they preferred - To utter the abhorrent word, - So strong the aversion that it stirred.) - - "Resolved," they said, continuing, - "That Badman John must cease this thing - Of having his unlawful fling. - - "Now, by these sacred relics"—here - Each man had out a souvenir - Got at a lynching yesteryear— - - "By these we swear he shall forsake - His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache - By sins of rope and torch and stake. - - "We'll tie his red right hand until - He'll have small freedom to fulfil - The mandates of his lawless will." - - So, in convention then and there, - They named him Sheriff. The affair - Was opened, it is said, with prayer. -</pre> - <p> - J. Milton Sloluck - </p> - <p> - SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to - dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of - splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. - </p> - <p> - SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (<i>Pignoramus intolerabilis</i>) - with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what - he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing - the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit - without a capital of sense. - </p> - <p> - SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used - variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer who - opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is - seen at its best: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The wheels go round without a sound— - The maidens hold high revel; - In sinful mood, insanely gay, - True spinsters spin adown the way - From duty to the devil! - They laugh, they sing, and—ting-a-ling! - Their bells go all the morning; - Their lanterns bright bestar the night - Pedestrians a-warning. - With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, - Good-Lording and O-mying, - Her rheumatism forgotten quite, - Her fat with anger frying. - She blocks the path that leads to wrath, - Jack Satan's power defying. - The wheels go round without a sound - The lights burn red and blue and green. - What's this that's found upon the ground? - Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! -</pre> - <p> - John William Yope - </p> - <p> - SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from - one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is that of the - later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began by teaching - wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, - but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, - And drags his sophistry to light of day; - Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort - To falsehood of so desperate a sort. - Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, - He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. -</pre> - <p> - Polydore Smith - </p> - <p> - SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. - It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by - torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had - been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. - After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his - guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a - sorcerer without knowing it. - </p> - <p> - SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave - disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of - existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of - eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. - Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had least contemplated - divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who - had threatened to decapitate the broad-browed philosopher, was a usurper - and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of - philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not - the last. - </p> - <p> - "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of <i>Diversiones - Sanctorum</i>, "there hath been hardly more argument than that of its - place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the - abdomen—in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth hitherto - unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men most devout. He is - said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' —why, then, - should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his - faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? - Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine Entity; and - such was the belief of Promasius, who nevertheless erred in denying it - immortality. He had observed that its visible and material substance - failed and decayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its - immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and - it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in - another world, according to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The - Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the - general market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, - whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, - terrapin, anchovies, <i>pates de foie gras</i> and all such Christian - comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever - and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the - rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious - faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor - His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly - revere) will assent to its dissemination." - </p> - <p> - SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural - phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious - spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a - well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of - spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman - of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the - mystery enveloping a farmer from another township. - </p> - <p> - STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here - following has, however, not been successfully impeached. - </p> - <p> - One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner - alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. - </p> - <p> - "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, <i>The Biography of a Dead Cow</i>, is - published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. - Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the - Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" - </p> - <p> - "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur - to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it." - </p> - <p> - Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to - writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a stream of - lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back and hiding in - his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible - spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The - town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that - San Jose was reluctant to be out o' nights. One particularly dark night - two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within the city limits, - talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. - Owen, a well-known journalist. - </p> - <p> - "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as this? You - told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And you are a - believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" - </p> - <p> - "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in - his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am afraid to be in. I - have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't dare to go - where there is light enough to read it." - </p> - <p> - Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near - the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is success a - failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, - exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that band before. Santlemann's, I think." - </p> - <p> - "I don't hear any band," said Schley. - </p> - <p> - "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General Miles coming - down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a - brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions pretty closely, or one - will mistake their origin." - </p> - <p> - While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General - Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail - of the seeming procession had passed and the two observers had recovered - from the transient blindness caused by its effulgence— - </p> - <p> - "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. - </p> - <p> - "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys one-half - so well." - </p> - <p> - The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the - village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite - mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a - saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the - barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon - a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said: - </p> - <p> - "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He'll - roast, sure!—he was smoking as I passed him." - </p> - <p> - "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate smoker." - </p> - <p> - The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was - not right. - </p> - <p> - He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable - just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their - immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich - nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and - substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another man entered the - saloon. - </p> - <p> - "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that mule, - barkeeper: it smells." - </p> - <p> - "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But - if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." - </p> - <p> - In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, - lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not - have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the body and, with the - non-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political - preferment, went away. But walking home late that night he saw his mule - standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. - Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took - the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in - town. - </p> - <p> - General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet - rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly - beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the General was - surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is named, the - general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing his master's - best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. - </p> - <p> - "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, "what do - you mean by being out of bed after naps?—and with my coat on!" - </p> - <p> - Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner - of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a - visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne - bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably entertained while - waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. - The next day he met General Barry, who said: - </p> - <p> - "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about - those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" - </p> - <p> - General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. - </p> - <p> - "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking of - course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteen - minutes." - </p> - <p> - SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, - and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly - simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend - Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. - Joyce." - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The bard who would prosper must carry a book, - Do his thinking in prose and wear - A crimson cravat, a far-away look - And a head of hexameter hair. - Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; - If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. -</pre> - <p> - SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of - suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as - commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's - choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of - "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his - crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself - guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by - the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote - of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man - tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat - limited. The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her - rights is first to jump back into it when threatened with a switching for - misusing them. - </p> - <p> - SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not - be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased - To fix itself upon a part diseased - Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, - It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, - So the base sycophant with joy descries - His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, - Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, - Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. - Gelasma, if it paid you to devote - Your talent to the service of a goat, - Showing by forceful logic that its beard - Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; - If to the task of honoring its smell - Profit had prompted you, and love as well, - The world would benefit at last by you - And wealthy malefactors weep anew— - Your favor for a moment's space denied - And to the nobler object turned aside. - Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires - Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, - Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly - To safer villainies of darker dye, - Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, - To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread - May see you groveling their boots to lick - And begging for the favor of a kick? - Still must you follow to the bitter end - Your sycophantic disposition's trend, - And in your eagerness to please the rich - Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? - In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, - And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! - What's Satan done that him you should eschew? - He too is reeking rich—deducting <i>you</i>. -</pre> - <p> - SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor - assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) - </p> - <p> - SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the - air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, - sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to - gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water - and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male - and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must - have nested in inaccessible places, none of the chicks having ever been - seen. - </p> - <p> - SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something - else. Many symbols are mere "survivals"—things which having no - longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited the - tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They - were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop making - them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness. - </p> - <p> - SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of - symbols. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; - I hold that that's the stomach's function, - For of the sinner I have noted - That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, - Or ill some other ghastly fashion - Within that bowel of compassion. - True, I believe the only sinner - Is he that eats a shabby dinner. - You know how Adam with good reason, - For eating apples out of season, - Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: - The truth is, Adam had the colic. -</pre> - <p> - G.J. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"></a> - T - </h2> - <p> - T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks - absurdly called <i>tau</i>. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the - form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which - was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified <i>Tallegal</i>, - translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." - </p> - <p> - TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion - for irresponsibility. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, - Took Madam P. to table, - And there deliriously fed - As fast as he was able. - - "I dote upon good grub," he cried, - Intent upon its throatage. - "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, - "You're in your <i>table d'hotage</i>." -</pre> - <p> - Associated Poets - </p> - <p> - TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural - limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. - Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which - he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the - male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament - that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once - was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in - whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men - described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an - imagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden - age of our pithecan past. - </p> - <p> - TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. - </p> - <p> - TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse - without purpose. - </p> - <p> - TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic - producer against the greed of his consumer. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The Enemy of Human Souls - Sat grieving at the cost of coals; - For Hell had been annexed of late, - And was a sovereign Southern State. - - "It were no more than right," said he, - "That I should get my fuel free. - The duty, neither just nor wise, - Compels me to economize— - Whereby my broilers, every one, - Are execrably underdone. - What would they have?—although I yearn - To do them nicely to a turn, - I can't afford an honest heat. - This tariff makes even devils cheat! - I'm ruined, and my humble trade - All rascals may at will invade: - Beneath my nose the public press - Outdoes me in sulphureousness; - The bar ingeniously applies - To my undoing my own lies; - My medicines the doctors use - (Albeit vainly) to refuse - To me my fair and rightful prey - And keep their own in shape to pay; - The preachers by example teach - What, scorning to perform, I teach; - And statesmen, aping me, all make - More promises than they can break. - Against such competition I - Lift up a disregarded cry. - Since all ignore my just complaint, - By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" - Now, the Republicans, who all - Are saints, began at once to bawl - Against <i>his</i> competition; so - There was a devil of a go! - They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete - In acrimonious debate, - Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, - Had hopes of coming by their own. - That evil to avert, in haste - The two belligerents embraced; - But since 'twere wicked to relax - A tittle of the Sacred Tax, - 'Twas finally agreed to grant - The bold Insurgent-protestant - A bounty on each soul that fell - Into his ineffectual Hell. -</pre> - <p> - Edam Smith - </p> - <p> - TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for - slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: - "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, - so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side - upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of - the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge - murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an - inference. - </p> - <p> - TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many - fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an - authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source—the - first words of the ancient Latin hymn <i>Te Deum Laudamus</i>. In this - apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens. - </p> - <p> - TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, - sometimes tolerably totally. - </p> - <p> - TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the - advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - </p> - <p> - TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the - telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a - multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell - summoning us to the sacrifice. - </p> - <p> - TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the - coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of - authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in - politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian - gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Of such tenacity his grip - That nothing from his hand can slip. - Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm - In tubs of liquid slippery-elm - In vain—from his detaining pinch - They cannot struggle half an inch! - 'Tis lucky that he so is planned - That breath he draws not with his hand, - For if he did, so great his greed - He'd draw his last with eager speed. - Nay, that were well, you say. Not so - He'd draw but never let it go! -</pre> - <p> - THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and - all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the - Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth, in - as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our - complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not - suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. - To be absolutely wise and good—that is perfection; and the - Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything - desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent - observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better - than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists - was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat. - </p> - <p> - TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the general - acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. Public - attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss Lillian - Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as to her - motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity - and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that nature had not - endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible of - acceptance by the male understanding, but the conception of a faulty - female leg was of so prodigious originality as to rank among the most - brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all - the controversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems - to have thought to ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as - "modesty." The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and - possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. - The study of lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the - arts themselves recovered. This is an epoch of <i>renaissances</i>, and - there is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from - its hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the - stage. - </p> - <p> - TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent - invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it - is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famous - Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently - "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then - all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally accepted by - archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has been greatly - dignified. - </p> - <p> - TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the - individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in - the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the - hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass - before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and - brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty - million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy - grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his - possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of - western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same - way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight - rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies - who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of - having materially augmented the nation's military power. - </p> - <p> - TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the - following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: - </p> - <p> - TO MY PET TORTOISE - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - My friend, you are not graceful—not at all; - Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. - - Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's - To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. - - As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. - 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. - - No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, - A certain firmness—mostly you're [sic] backbone. - - Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) - Are virtues that the great know how to use— - - I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, - You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul. - - So, to be candid, unreserved and true, - I'd rather you were I than I were you. - - Perhaps, however, in a time to be, - When Man's extinct, a better world may see - - Your progeny in power and control, - Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. - - So I salute you as a reptile grand - Predestined to regenerate the land. - - Father of Possibilities, O deign - To accept the homage of a dying reign! - - In the far region of the unforeknown - I dream a tortoise upon every throne. - - I see an Emperor his head withdraw - Into his carapace for fear of Law; - - A King who carries something else than fat, - Howe'er acceptably he carries that; - - A President not strenuously bent - On punishment of audible dissent— - - Who never shot (it were a vain attack) - An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; - - Subject and citizens that feel no need - To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; - - All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, - And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. - - O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, - My glorious testudinous regime! - - I wish in Eden you'd brought this about - By slouching in and chasing Adam out. -</pre> - <p> - TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal - apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a - negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a - beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor in public - morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and - black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste - and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. That the - legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch - (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the - bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who - antedated him by two centuries: - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof - I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in - it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as - followeth: - "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall - see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye - King his Majesty." - And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr - tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. -</pre> - <p> - <i>Trauvells in ye Easte</i> - </p> - <p> - TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the - blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect - this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who - is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is - made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction - as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, - added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human - being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles - and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or - practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to - death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards - or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and - after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued <i>in - contumaciam</i> the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where - they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of - Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, - upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples - an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears - not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many - trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is - believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit - was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the - Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, - directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local - magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were - ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on - pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of - this <i>cause celebre</i> nothing is found to show whether the offenders - braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable - jurisdiction. - </p> - <p> - TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. - </p> - <p> - Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at - once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully - gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he said; - "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day." - </p> - <p> - "Pork?" shrieked the patient—"pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch - it!" - </p> - <p> - "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. - </p> - <p> - "I swear it!" - </p> - <p> - "Good!—then I will undertake to cure you." - </p> - <p> - TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three - entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of - the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with - the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to - adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime - mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is - incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological - fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, - except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an - incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the - latter. - </p> - <p> - TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, - after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes - dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every - one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one - that was discontented"—in brief, all the Socialists of Judah. - </p> - <p> - TRUCE, n. Friendship. - </p> - <p> - TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery - of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient - occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with - increasing activity to the end of time. - </p> - <p> - TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. - </p> - <p> - TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater - part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of - guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public - enemies. - </p> - <p> - TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious - anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. - Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. - </p> - <p> - TWICE, adv. Once too often. - </p> - <p> - TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and - enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable - dictionary. - </p> - <p> - TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (<i>Glossina morsitans</i>) - whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for - insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (<i>Mendax - interminabilis</i>). - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"></a> - U - </h2> - <p> - UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not - in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and - the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity - and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much - bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence - everywhere of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error - they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the - eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place - simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood—not - even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two - places at once unless he is a bird. - </p> - <p> - UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without - humility. - </p> - <p> - ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. - </p> - <p> - Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to - consider it. - </p> - <p> - "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the - Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable soldiers have we - in arms?" - </p> - <p> - "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining his - memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" - </p> - <p> - "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all - Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy. - </p> - <p> - "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they are as - the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!" - </p> - <p> - For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was - corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances - of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! I shall suggest - to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of - Allah, the council is adjourned." - </p> - <p> - UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. - </p> - <p> - UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists - in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of - one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite had been - administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was discovered that - the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. - When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be damned if - I die!" - </p> - <p> - "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." - </p> - <p> - UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know - a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have - been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who - lived in a horse. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - His understanding was so keen - That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, - He could interpret without fail - If he was in or out of jail. - He wrote at Inspiration's call - Deep disquisitions on them all, - Then, pent at last in an asylum, - Performed the service to compile 'em. - So great a writer, all men swore, - They never had not read before. -</pre> - <p> - Jorrock Wormley - </p> - <p> - UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. - </p> - <p> - UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of - another faith. - </p> - <p> - URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers - in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the - words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the - rights of others. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - The owner of a powder mill - Was musing on a distant hill— - Something his mind foreboded— - When from the cloudless sky there fell - A deviled human kidney! Well, - The man's mill had exploded. - His hat he lifted from his head; - "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; - "I didn't know 'twas loaded." -</pre> - <p> - Swatkin - </p> - <p> - USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third - being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this - Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live - as long as the fashion. - </p> - <p> - UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"></a> - V - </h2> - <p> - VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. - </p> - <p> - "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, - who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." - </p> - <p> - "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded - that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into - collision with the enemy." - </p> - <p> - VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - They say that hens do cackle loudest when - There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; - And there are hens, professing to have made - A study of mankind, who say that men - Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen - Make the most clamorous fanfaronade - O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid - They're not entirely different from the hen. - Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, - His blazing breeches and high-towering cap— - Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, - Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! - Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue - Is that in battle he will never hurt you? -</pre> - <p> - Hannibal Hunsiker - </p> - <p> - VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. - </p> - <p> - VITUPERATION, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer - from an impediment in their wit. - </p> - <p> - VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of - himself and a wreck of his country. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"></a> - W - </h2> - <p> - W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous - name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the - Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling - out some simple Greek word, like <i>epixoriambikos</i>. Still, it is now - thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two - alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of "the glory that was - Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no - doubt, however, that by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for - example) our civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better - endured. - </p> - <p> - WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall - Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful - thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew - Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call - To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" - Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; - Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, - Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, - Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: - Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray— - Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! - While still you're possessed of a single baubee - (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) - 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance - Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. - For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, - Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! -</pre> - <p> - Anonymus Bink - </p> - <p> - WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political - condition is a period of international amity. The student of history who - has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself - inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare for war" has a deeper - meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, not merely that all things - earthly have an end—that change is the one immutable and eternal law—but - that the soil of peace is thickly sown with the seeds of war and - singularly suited to their germination and growth. It was when Kubla Khan - had decreed his "stately pleasure dome"—when, that is to say, there - were peace and fat feasting in Xanadu—that he - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - heard from afar - Ancestral voices prophesying war. -</pre> - <p> - One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of men, and - it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have a little - less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of that elemental - distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to come like a thief - in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night. - </p> - <p> - WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of - governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him - it should be said that he did not want to. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - They took away his vote and gave instead - The right, when he had earned, to <i>eat</i> his bread. - In vain—he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, - To come again and part him from his roll. -</pre> - <p> - Offenbach Stutz - </p> - <p> - WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she - holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of - her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. - </p> - <p> - WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation - among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the - tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly - concerned. The setting up official weather bureaus and their maintenance - in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the - rude forefathers of the jungle. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, - And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be— - Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, - With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. - While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, - From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. - He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote - On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote— - For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: - "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." -</pre> - <p> - Halcyon Jones - </p> - <p> - WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one - undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become - supportable. - </p> - <p> - WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves - are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a - beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is - consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. - </p> - <p> - Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post - by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly - perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their - captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human form during - the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the good man said, "see - that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a - Lutheran." - </p> - <p> - WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected - affliction that strikes hard. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Should you ask me whence this laughter, - Whence this audible big-smiling, - With its labial extension, - With its maxillar distortion - And its diaphragmic rhythmus - Like the billowing of an ocean, - Like the shaking of a carpet, - I should answer, I should tell you: - From the great deeps of the spirit, - From the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soul this laughter welleth - As the fountain, the gug-guggle, - Like the river from the canon [sic], - To entoken and give warning - That my present mood is sunny. - Should you ask me further question— - Why the great deeps of the spirit, - Why the unplummeted abysmus - Of the soule extrudes this laughter, - This all audible big-smiling, - I should answer, I should tell you - With a white heart, tumpitumpy, - With a true tongue, honest Injun: - William Bryan, he has Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! - - Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, - Standing silent in the kneedeep - With his wing-tips crossed behind him - And his neck close-reefed before him, - With his bill, his william, buried - In the down upon his bosom, - With his head retracted inly, - While his shoulders overlook it? - Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, - Shiver grayly in the north wind, - Wishing he had died when little, - As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? - No 'tis not the Shankank standing, - Standing in the gray and dismal - Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. - No, 'tis peerless William Bryan - Realizing that he's Caught It, - Caught the Whangdepootenawah! -</pre> - <p> - WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some - difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said - to eat more bread <i>per capita</i> of population than any other people, - which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable. - </p> - <p> - WHITE, adj. and n. Black. - </p> - <p> - WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take - humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the - most marked features of his character. - </p> - <p> - WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as - "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. - </p> - <p> - WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual - cookery by leaving it out. - </p> - <p> - WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with - the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a - league beyond the devil. - </p> - <p> - WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; - what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." - </p> - <p> - WOMAN, n. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a - rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by - many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility - acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the - postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, - deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, - it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all - beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from - Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular - name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. - The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the - American variety (<i>felis pugnans</i>), is omnivorous and can be - taught not to talk. -</pre> - <p> - Balthasar Pober - </p> - <p> - WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The - contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Grantarium. - Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but - "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human - being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose - cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! - How profitless the labor you bestow - Upon a dwelling whose magnificence - The tenant neither can admire nor know. - - Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, - The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan - By shouldering asunder all the stones - In what to you would be a moment's span. - - Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies - That when your marble is all dust, arise, - If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn— - You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. - - What though of all man's works your tomb alone - Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? - Would it advantage you to dwell therein - Forever as a stain upon a stone? -</pre> - <p> - Joel Huck - </p> - <p> - WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine - finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of - pride. - </p> - <p> - WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted - characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of - wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed sacred, - for it could usually command the agency of some god for its fit - manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks before Troy were - so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the frying-pan of the wrath - of Chryses into the fire of the wrath of Achilles, though Agamemnon, the - sole offender, was neither fried nor roasted. A similar noted immunity was - that of David when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his - people, seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with their lives. God is - now Love, and a director of the census performs his work without - apprehension of disaster. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"></a> - X - </h2> - <p> - X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to - the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last - as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in - such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popular - supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding - letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name —<i>Xristos</i>. - If it represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, who "testified" - upon one of that shape. In the algebra of psychology x stands for Woman's - mind. Words beginning with X are Grecian and will not be defined in this - standard English dictionary. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"></a> - Y - </h2> - <p> - YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a - New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMNYANK.) - </p> - <p> - YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - </p> - <p> - YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past - of age. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - But yesterday I should have thought me blest - To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak - Of middle life and look adown the bleak - And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, - Where solemn shadows all the land invest - And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak - Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak - The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. - Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame - To stay the shadow on the dial's face - At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name - I chide aloud the little interspace - Disparting me from Certitude, and fain - Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. -</pre> - <p> - Baruch Arnegriff - </p> - <p> - It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at - different times by seven doctors. - </p> - <p> - YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, <i>jugum</i>, we owe - one of the most illuminating words in our language—a word that - defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. A - thousand apologies for withholding it. - </p> - <p> - YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, - Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of - endowing a living Homer. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth - again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with - whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and - cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never - is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, - howling, is cast into Baltimost! -</pre> - <p> - Polydore Smith - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div class="chapter"> - - <h2><a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"></a> - Z - </h2> - <p> - ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with - ludicrous incompetence the <i>buffone</i>, or clown, and was therefore the - ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of - the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day - have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of - creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of - the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, - who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil. - </p> - <p> - ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the eastern - coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in this - country through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few - years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that - faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this - official's family, and against repeated remonstrances of the official - himself, the people of the city persisted in using the beach for bathing. - One day a woman came down to the edge of the water and was stooping to - remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond - restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of - her person. Unfortunately for the existing <i>entente cordiale</i> between - two great nations, she was the Sultana. - </p> - <p> - ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and - inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward - He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" - "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. - "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." -</pre> - <p> - Jum Coople - </p> - <p> - ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or - a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered - as having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once a - considerably dissent among the learned, some holding that the posture of - the body was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists, their - opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished - by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering - an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a - severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to - determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels - outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the - Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever - opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its - place among <i>fides defuncti</i>. - </p> - <p> - ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by - the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have - touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have - penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that - these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental - work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, - each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred - names. - </p> - <p> - ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one - carrying the white man's burden. (From <i>zed</i>, <i>z</i>, and <i>jag</i>, - an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - He zedjagged so uncomen wyde - Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; - So, to com saufly thruh, I been - Constreynet for to doodge betwene. -</pre> - <p> - Munwele - </p> - <p> - ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its - king, the House Fly (<i>Musca maledicta</i>). The father of Zoology was - Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not - come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious expounders were - Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we learn (<i>L'Histoire - generale des animaux</i> and <i>A History of Animated Nature</i>) that the - domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. - </p> - -</div><!--end chapter--> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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