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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various
+
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+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9797]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 18, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 15.]
+
+
+Punchinello
+
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY.
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Continued in this Number.
+
+
+[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOW READY.
+
+The July Number of
+
+LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE.
+
+An Illustrated Monthly of
+
+Literature, Science, and Education.
+
+Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles.
+
+NOTICE
+
+The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.)
+The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the
+first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to
+parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number.
+
+_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers,
+
+715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONANT'S
+
+PATENT BINDERS
+
+FOR
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on
+receipt of One Dollar, by
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street, New York City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"
+
+we recommend for Bank and Office use.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for United States.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERIE RAILWAY.
+
+TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS
+
+Foot of Chambers Street
+
+and
+
+Foot of Twenty-Third Street,
+
+AS FOLLOWS:
+
+Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M.,
+and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15
+and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany
+the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville  with
+magnificent Sleeping Coaches running  through to Cleveland and Galion.
+Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to
+Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M.
+train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train
+leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.
+
+FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street,
+*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and,
+Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)
+
+FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street
+7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and
+5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)
+
+FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and
+11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at
+6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at 8:45 and
+11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street
+Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at
+8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only,
+{12  midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30,
+4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays,  only, {12:00 midnight.
+
+Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping
+Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of
+Baggage may be left at the
+
+COMPANY'S OFFICES:
+
+241, 529, and 957 Broadway.
+205 Chambers Street.
+Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem.
+338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn.
+Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot
+of Twenty-third Street, New York.
+3 Exchange Place.
+Long Dock Depot, Jersey City,
+And of the Agents at the principal Hotels
+
+WM. R. BARR,
+_General Passenger Agent._
+
+L. D. RUCKER,
+_General Superintendent._
+
+* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only.
+
+May 2D, 1870.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKERSON,
+
+ROOM No. 4,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIBBLEEANIA,
+
+and
+
+Japonica Juice
+
+FOR THE HAIR.
+
+The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds
+ever offered to the public for the
+
+Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c.
+
+For consultation, apply at
+
+WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,
+
+Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.
+
+854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+
+Wood Engravers,
+
+208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORST & AVERELL
+
+Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press
+
+PRINTERS
+
+EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL
+MANUFACTURERS.
+
+Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application
+
+23 Platt Street, and
+20-22 Gold Street,
+[P.O. Box 2845.]
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+$34 Per Day.
+
+Agents Wanted!
+
+In every Town, County and State, to canvass for
+
+Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper,
+
+With Which is GIVEN AWAY
+
+That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household
+Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving
+in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier
+than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring
+immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and
+all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else.
+It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and
+very taking. Send for circular and terms to
+
+J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOLEY'S
+
+GOLD PENS.
+
+THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.
+
+256 BROADWAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bowling Green Savings-Bank
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+NEW YORK.
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand
+Dollars, will be received._
+
+Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS
+Commences on the First of every Month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, _President_
+
+REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._
+
+WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._
+EDWARD HOGAN, }
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MERCANTILE LIBRARY
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES.
+TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR.
+
+Subscriptions Taken for Six Months.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+at
+
+No. 76 Cedar St., New York,
+
+and at
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+$2 to ALBANY and TROY.
+
+The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31,
+will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m.,
+landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West
+Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill,
+Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in
+connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany
+(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and
+for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from
+Albany to Troy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. B. BOWLEND,
+
+Draughtsman & Designer
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+begs to announce to the friends of
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has
+made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+the same will be forwarded, postage paid.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing
+Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two
+stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+P.O. Box 2783]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+
+BALKS IN A BRUSH.
+
+
+FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever
+since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female
+College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her
+mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person
+who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her
+own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in
+two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just
+before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of
+grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr.
+SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty
+to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving
+unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten
+per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful
+settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of
+the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD,
+an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his
+wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved
+friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's
+tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar;
+willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of
+keeping up the controversy.
+
+From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things,
+engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the
+deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning
+after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of
+the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were
+spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that
+neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting
+physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have
+passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at
+all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of
+their heads off.
+
+At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her
+brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence,
+that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel
+insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in
+confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun
+had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr.
+BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar,
+formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining
+away the panic.
+
+She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive
+phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news
+procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices,
+by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS
+will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,)
+that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!--
+
+  'The Associated Press
+  In bitter distress.'
+
+In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we
+should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had
+delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this
+sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton
+stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning
+two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not
+correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart
+to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries
+have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the
+strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the
+subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in
+algebra."
+
+This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young
+ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but
+FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when
+it was announced that her guardian had come to see her.
+
+Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of
+his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was
+associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the
+scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in
+nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of
+forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for
+the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the
+otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and
+preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a
+theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into
+immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement
+to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an
+old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster
+balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth
+and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of
+shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small
+and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny.
+
+Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from
+which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after
+saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present,
+in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the
+monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and
+addressed himself to FLORA.
+
+"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double
+chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now
+'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not
+necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?"
+
+Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable
+longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles
+and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take
+pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to
+piety and gloomy presentiments.
+
+"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold
+cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?"
+
+The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to
+buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a
+young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under
+common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely
+requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave
+sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth.
+
+"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more
+important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the
+subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I
+suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a
+husband, if not as a friend!"
+
+"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him,"
+returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly
+ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of
+his nose."
+
+"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her
+guardian.
+
+"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place
+for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked:
+"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?"
+
+"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for
+breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and
+hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective
+parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons
+whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be
+within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will
+with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S
+trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--"
+
+"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind,"
+interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that
+there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd."
+
+"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square
+man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight
+memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder
+lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now
+against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed,
+or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married,
+or anything of that kind?"
+
+"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK,
+that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused
+from studying her Bible as a punishment."
+
+After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his
+farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road,
+he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church
+of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were
+carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was
+confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out.
+
+"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm.
+"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo."
+
+"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only
+been having a talk with my ward."
+
+"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED,"
+insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose.
+
+"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom
+she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and
+sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our
+respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when
+good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!"
+
+"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of
+organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back
+like a curvature of the spine.
+
+"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back.
+
+"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove,
+"Don't one generally involve the other?"
+
+
+[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in
+which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally
+unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions
+of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well,
+PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and
+the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged
+by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground
+swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]
+
+[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our
+judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make
+his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+
+OILING THE WHEELS.
+
+
+No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to
+be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of
+intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision
+which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and
+subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The
+perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon
+instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's
+husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else,
+appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of
+his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible
+acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day,
+to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and
+natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise
+of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest
+judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest
+development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since
+she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages
+from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after
+certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to
+the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less
+than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival
+sister can either divert or mislead for a moment.
+
+"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother,
+as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor,
+"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe
+characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?"
+
+"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady,
+who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet
+as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights
+in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in
+throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and
+comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches
+on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the
+gallows."
+
+"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend
+OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then
+he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's
+nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern
+Confederacy."
+
+"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by
+its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's
+waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE."
+
+"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when
+she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because,
+after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid
+that so many fishballs would make his head swim."
+
+"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the
+charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted
+limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated
+young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he
+possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's
+Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr.
+BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on
+account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my
+neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he
+wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we
+kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had
+taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day,
+ladies,' to me.
+
+"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the
+Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life."
+
+"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a
+fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one
+day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore
+dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her
+influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in
+our beds some night."
+
+Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt,
+Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not
+hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front,
+and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN
+STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the
+Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint
+Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her
+to think herself capable of error.
+
+As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for
+speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that
+he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard
+to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the
+neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it
+hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of
+an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents
+of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable
+to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of
+which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a
+better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a
+better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish
+looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to
+this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated
+meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy,
+commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to
+the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the
+advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word
+for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the
+vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden
+hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked
+Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the
+pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as
+rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and
+Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats,
+with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according
+to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair.
+
+Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful
+cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided
+over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill
+lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of
+smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of
+peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian
+rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his
+anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of
+removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical
+preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at
+a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the
+Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When
+the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services
+arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head
+for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of
+congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint
+Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore
+of Bumsteadville pond.
+
+(_To be Continued_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration 'D']
+
+Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON
+was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The
+constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their
+depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off
+their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in
+Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the
+franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated
+with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against
+being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe
+made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New
+Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports.
+
+Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do
+anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their
+names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than
+to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a
+sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary
+human beings.
+
+Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be
+an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody
+knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for
+franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount
+of postage-stamps would have carried it.
+
+Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when
+postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were
+effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their
+drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in
+spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no
+hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best
+to cleave to his frank.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really
+gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they
+were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature
+into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right
+to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself.
+
+Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr.
+ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He
+would not die in spring-time.
+
+MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would
+like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received
+shekels from the patentee.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as
+FARNSWORTH.
+
+The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of
+FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin.
+
+The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but
+assassin was unparliamentary.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side
+before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH,
+nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything.
+
+The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly
+shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER,
+and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said
+LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything
+ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now
+he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear.
+
+The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for
+the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and
+
+Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the
+Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there
+had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake
+against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself
+of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred
+and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the
+traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURRENT FABLES.
+
+THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS.
+
+
+The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found,
+but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls,
+part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green
+Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government
+the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the
+latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry
+at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote
+Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived
+in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to
+dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the
+Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on
+account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but
+because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after
+making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The
+Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest
+the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the
+Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the
+Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is
+not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters,
+which is the measure of his power."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERMOMETRICAL.
+
+In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental
+craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL NOTE.
+
+The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be
+confounded with the Horse Opera.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
+
+It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends
+of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were
+ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY VERSUS PROSE.
+
+A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion
+that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of
+the deep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET.
+
+KOeRNER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FUN AND FIN.
+
+[Illustration: 'S']
+
+Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania,
+piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the
+magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from
+a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the
+Court of CHARLES II:
+
+"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the
+Great Falls to-day to catch black bass."
+
+Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER,
+surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a
+shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's
+eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half
+a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the
+flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one,
+recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous
+accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken
+pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne,
+and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a
+minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate
+pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is
+something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female
+Treasury clerks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his
+fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon
+a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever
+know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another
+friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to
+snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for
+information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid
+a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has
+been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by
+fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling
+helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your
+heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was
+designed--to deceive others.)
+
+I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at
+the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a
+searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb
+to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart,
+and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List!
+oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold.
+
+Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and
+the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as
+good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight,
+but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a
+feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying
+out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they
+did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest
+titbits.
+
+Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is
+the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the
+Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on
+those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a
+man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one
+bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called
+White House.
+
+How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've
+visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are
+conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit
+undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to
+junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather
+glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing,
+on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the
+present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive
+things on record.
+
+Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent
+enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's
+mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and
+offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service,
+isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's
+mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to
+know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys?
+
+What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being
+handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday,
+to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome
+thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our
+street.
+
+If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos
+in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that
+it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an
+action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is?
+
+If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is
+a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade
+railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why
+should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails?
+
+Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose
+that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is
+laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated
+Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke?
+And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in,
+that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the
+new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the
+session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of
+power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side
+of their mouths?
+
+There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of
+people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like
+GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern
+parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did
+it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child.
+Can it be that I am the other thing?
+
+Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every
+possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know
+Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the
+first post?
+
+Yours,
+
+LOT.
+
+[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a
+primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his
+mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any
+reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many
+individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money?
+When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent
+cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE
+HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They
+are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN.
+
+  'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH
+  Dr. LANAHAN should teach,
+  That, sure enough, there's law enough
+  Such slanderers to reach.
+
+  But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH
+  Dr. LANAHAN may impeach,
+  And prove enough that's bad enough
+  To justify his speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNKIND.
+
+TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he
+"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in
+relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a
+full beard the rest of his life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.
+
+Old Mother Hubbard
+
+GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in
+your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this
+early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond
+alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin
+was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your
+inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose.
+And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced
+playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in
+pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now,
+to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies,
+the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog.
+
+I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for
+the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents.
+
+CANTO I.
+
+  Old Mother Hubbard
+  Went to the Cupboard
+  To get her poor dog a bone;
+  When she got there
+  The Cupboard wan bare.
+  And so the poor dog had none!
+
+Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of
+Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the
+unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no
+introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for
+gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody
+or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He
+determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no
+preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had
+ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how
+many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious
+work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book
+in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a
+price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many
+weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the
+contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't
+readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make
+the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a
+something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or
+to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on
+the banquet-board: no one cares for them.
+
+Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional
+idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his
+idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full,
+concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished
+her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I
+might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He
+(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is
+simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly
+it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of
+thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted
+authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do
+likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance,
+[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would
+commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was,
+what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her
+aunt's family.
+
+Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you
+everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess
+correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother
+HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself.
+
+This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to
+his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard."  "Went!" What a
+happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency
+which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon
+for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination,
+has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how
+she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me
+how she went!
+
+Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One
+may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she
+preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she
+crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went".  Now whither did
+she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the
+Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip.
+She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did
+not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and
+fore-named Cupboard.
+
+Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for
+her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the
+heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what
+would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman,
+and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the
+Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author,
+following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was
+not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_
+the bone there? The sequel will show.
+
+Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the
+affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what
+gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there
+have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for
+her poor dog!
+
+But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes.
+
+  "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D]
+
+In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its
+dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the
+Cupboard was bare."
+
+Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to
+the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was,
+perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and
+poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his
+loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas!
+No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was
+about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your
+heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him,
+or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt?
+If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as
+you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor
+dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone."
+
+The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the
+Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that
+poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain
+would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so
+awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e,
+by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E]
+
+Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was
+enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of
+their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary
+and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness
+their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish.
+
+The author did wisely and well to close the Canto.
+
+Let us have--a rest!
+
+[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.]
+
+[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.]
+
+[Footnote C: Ditto.]
+
+[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.]
+
+[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANDARD LITERATURE.
+
+A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length,
+proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely
+that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a
+suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost,"
+unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might
+induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog
+Greek" description.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY
+
+Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to
+dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.
+
+WESTON'S great Feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE
+
+_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE
+LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS
+POLY TICKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.
+
+When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district"
+advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.
+
+On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of
+some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in
+those he runs down.
+
+In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish
+are usually obtained from the long Reaches.
+
+Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.
+
+Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will
+connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to
+connect them with the line.
+
+Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of
+trout is with the Current.
+
+Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find
+it a great assistance when Reeling in.
+
+One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a
+Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.
+
+When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in
+the Branches.
+
+In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get
+Worsted among the Osiers.
+
+When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the
+weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.
+
+If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water.
+The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.
+
+The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely
+disappointed.
+
+Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but
+often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the
+Zodiac.
+
+Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom
+contain many trout.
+
+To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than
+political wire-pulling.
+
+A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler
+should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell
+and stiffen in the Sockets.
+
+Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy
+afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.
+
+Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at
+any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.
+
+There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the
+youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.
+
+It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day,
+in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de
+la Fin._
+
+As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists,
+it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in
+Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than
+in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that
+keep the meadows green."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.
+
+  Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;
+  Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!
+  We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)
+  But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.
+
+  In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."
+  That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)
+  JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;
+  GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.
+
+  Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.
+  Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,
+  Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;
+  We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.
+
+  We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,
+  'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;
+  And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish
+  To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.
+
+  "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--
+  She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;
+  The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--
+  And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+THE WEDDING RING AGAIN.
+
+AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN.
+
+(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration 'M']
+
+Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second
+dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the
+first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty
+Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as
+"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is
+obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the
+celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present
+form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city,
+and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it
+is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to
+suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the
+play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it
+consists of the following materials, combined in the following
+proportions:
+
+ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent
+lawyer._
+
+POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing
+whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl.
+Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the
+mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here.
+As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had
+sustained any inconvenience."
+
+POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she
+can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt
+her. Will you do it?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request!
+But look, here come the people of the house."
+
+_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves
+with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._
+FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely
+placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro,
+the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game
+is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to
+relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_
+POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._
+
+SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street
+this house is in?"
+
+USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."
+
+SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place
+car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene,
+that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."
+
+RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But
+then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those
+creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."
+
+ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as
+follows:_
+
+CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE
+has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.)
+
+CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves
+in love. Would you like to leave me?"
+
+ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just
+fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is.
+Tell me her name."
+
+CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protege of mine. You shall marry her.
+Go and make love to her." (_He goes._)
+
+CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a
+tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base
+wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent!
+Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this
+version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act
+on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge,
+and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves
+accordingly until the curtain falls._)
+
+COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than
+that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes
+absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an
+innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American
+writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."
+
+FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black
+dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act.
+One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now
+when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then
+slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."
+
+ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question
+of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._
+
+FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an
+innocent girl in a gambling-house?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"
+
+FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't
+anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."
+
+CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a
+lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will
+keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")
+
+FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE,
+POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of
+things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the
+dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._
+
+The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the
+newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so
+popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody
+ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to
+sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married
+Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him
+up.
+
+ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would
+say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in
+your visiting me at midnight."
+
+CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your
+wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her
+and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._)
+
+ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back
+hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not
+tell me all before I married you?"
+
+FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a
+letter and confessed my innocence."
+
+(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_
+OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his
+harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL.
+
+POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took
+it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._)
+
+FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get
+it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at
+me."
+
+ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your
+innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._
+
+RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is
+the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of
+that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"
+
+From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ.
+The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It
+is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of
+morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as
+it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely
+funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required
+of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run
+five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.
+
+It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This
+new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing
+effect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought
+DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his
+mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in
+England, it is safe to say that it is low there.
+
+Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went
+straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was
+amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union."
+But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to
+reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to
+his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't
+help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work
+on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As
+soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they
+might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of
+vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take
+one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so
+much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.
+
+"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure,
+but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who,
+you know, is expected here daily."
+
+"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course,
+keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum
+will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"
+
+Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of
+the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good
+year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the
+seventh story of the right-hand tower.
+
+Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went
+to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon
+experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he
+tried a new one--the "Geyser."
+
+Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young
+lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily
+hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she
+had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came
+back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he
+merely remarked:
+
+"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."
+
+Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to
+consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of
+Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of
+Strontia.
+
+At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon.
+For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she
+was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was
+EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER.
+Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when
+she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always
+see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry
+at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow
+partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed,
+that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he
+had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.
+
+He never saw that Pole.
+
+After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it
+was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out
+buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The
+horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by
+"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a
+"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a
+musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had
+not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel
+his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was
+delighted.
+
+"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's
+nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_,
+now that TILTON is putting live people there."
+
+"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if
+this confounded horse don't slack up."
+
+"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.
+
+"I mean we shall upset," said he.
+
+"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you
+better pull on the left string?"
+
+"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.
+
+"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are
+naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be
+as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"
+
+"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and
+beginning to make a little impression upon it.
+
+"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I
+know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession
+and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the
+left rein.
+
+It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards
+evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to
+the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.
+
+That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new
+conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save
+his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus
+puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered
+the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.
+
+"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one
+of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me."
+
+"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.
+
+"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the
+commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in
+my place for a while."
+
+"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.
+
+"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in
+the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a
+committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last
+year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the
+deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon
+as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."
+
+"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a
+sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"
+
+"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business
+is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more
+about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."
+
+"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid
+for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and
+some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away
+the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_.
+
+The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S.
+5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal
+and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly
+gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.
+
+When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the
+Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and
+pearls.
+
+Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left
+the next day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.
+
+There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one
+horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are
+as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness
+for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection,
+as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is
+the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly
+dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this
+ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the
+promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it,
+among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact
+that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the
+white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater
+viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most
+ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with
+a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New
+England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive
+Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out
+by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the
+inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.
+
+We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have
+hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty
+thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and
+especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of
+the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the
+creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face
+it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it
+comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.
+
+As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and
+its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its
+peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the
+vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often
+rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however,
+be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells
+from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the
+Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the
+long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not
+unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of
+forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general
+resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side,
+points of difference would be observed between them.
+
+It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the
+Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the
+Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem
+that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter.
+As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to
+time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some
+archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat
+was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The
+"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss,"
+whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was
+the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss,"
+and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros."
+This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well
+authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile
+Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never
+seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile.
+Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that
+source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised
+(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in
+relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well
+informed naturalist.
+
+The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a
+grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more
+like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic
+process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and
+trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the
+right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.
+
+  Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,
+    And guardian of freedom and justice and law,
+  How bright in the annals of war was thy story!
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,
+    Though now they assure us they don't care a straw
+  For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten,
+    _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law,
+  And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--
+    Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,
+  As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,
+    And man our defences with soldiers of straw,
+  To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,
+    Of course we must trust to our ancient _eclat_;
+  Economy now is the cry, we must save a
+    Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_
+
+  "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--
+    Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,
+  And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--
+    Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,
+  And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen
+    Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;
+  Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  The people may some day awake to the notion
+    That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,
+  And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS.
+  _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any
+                account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?"
+
+  _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?"
+
+  _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S."
+
+  _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON CATS.
+
+Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."
+
+Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and
+"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require
+to get their dander up before they'll show fight.
+
+Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting
+proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black
+cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit
+_sparks_.
+
+A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade,
+can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by
+a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well
+directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail
+between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)
+
+Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they
+are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were
+more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on
+the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I
+consigned them to a watery grave.
+
+It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice,
+and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly
+worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed
+for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the
+feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee
+palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his
+follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!
+
+Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To
+see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic
+attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_.
+But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no
+love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down
+Grimalkin's throat.
+
+A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who,
+they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some
+relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from
+the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards
+thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty
+promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack
+of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to
+have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget
+that "Pride must have a fall."
+
+Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a
+Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous
+as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not
+particular about cutting them.
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."
+
+A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the
+subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says
+that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."
+
+That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good
+scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece
+spots with which it has been tarnished.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
+
+The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact
+that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and
+extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to
+do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and
+why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the
+daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would
+they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let
+loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_!
+
+P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here
+intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied
+with mosquitoes already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI
+SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a
+legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a
+beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a
+pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of
+his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had
+"consummated marriage a second time."
+
+When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized
+him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet,
+not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water
+upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks
+pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of
+the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the
+unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of
+hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman
+why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the
+"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented
+himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon
+MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz
+with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this
+"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal
+eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments
+of a beloved son.
+
+The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we
+may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its
+own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it
+possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A. T. STEWART & Co.
+
+OFFER A LARGE LOT OF
+
+JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1.
+
+LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50
+
+LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75.
+
+HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50.
+
+An Elegant Assortment of
+
+Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins,
+
+Extra Fine Quality.
+
+ALSO
+
+A Variety of Novelties in
+
+Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole,
+
+Just received per last steamer.
+
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Have just received
+
+TWO CASES
+
+Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres,
+
+The very Latest Paris Novelties.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+WILL OFFER,
+
+Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory,
+
+Extraordinary Bargains
+
+IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF
+
+Silks, Dress Goods, &c.,
+
+BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts.
+
+PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts.
+
+SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard.
+
+Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron
+Grenadine Bareges, Real
+India Camel's Hair
+Shawls.
+
+_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._
+
+PARIS MADE
+
+SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES,
+
+Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Have made still further reductions in
+
+LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward.
+
+LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED,
+$10 each upward.
+
+CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS,
+TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward.
+
+LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES
+BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND
+BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward.
+
+Flowers, Feathers, &c.
+
+_Customers and the residents of the neighboring
+cities are respectfully invited to examine._
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly
+Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in
+every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of the
+kind ever published in America.
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+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:
+
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+The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14.
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+The New Burlesque Serial,
+
+Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
+
+BY
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
+
+A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb
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+
+1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW
+JERSEY.
+
+2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears
+"Every Saturday,"
+will also be found in the same number.
+
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+
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+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
+
+This file should be named 7p11510.txt or 7p11510.zip
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+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
+copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
+this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.
+
+This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
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+Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
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+how the file may be used.  You can also find out about how to make a
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+**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**
+
+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
+
+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9797]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 18, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 15.]
+
+
+Punchinello
+
+
+SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870.
+
+PUBLISHED BY THE
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY.
+
+83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
+
+By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Continued in this Number.
+
+
+[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOW READY.
+
+The July Number of
+
+LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE.
+
+An Illustrated Monthly of
+
+Literature, Science, and Education.
+
+Containing Seventeen Valuable and Entertaining Articles.
+
+NOTICE
+
+The July number of Lippincott's Magazine commences a New Volume (VI.)
+The Publishers will send gratis the May and June Numbers, containing the
+first Parts of Anthony Trollope's New Story, "Sir Harry Hotspur." to
+parties subscribing before July 1st. $4.00 per annum. 35 cts per number.
+
+_For Sale at all the Book and News Stores._
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & Co., Publishers,
+
+715 & 717 Market St., Philadelphia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONANT'S
+
+PATENT BINDERS
+
+FOR
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid on
+receipt of One Dollar, by
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street, New York City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S
+
+STEEL PENS.
+
+These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any
+other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the following
+grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen
+manufactured. The
+
+"505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive,"
+
+we recommend for Bank and Office use.
+
+D. APPLETON & CO.,
+
+Sole Agents for United States.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERIE RAILWAY.
+
+TRAINS LEAVE DEPOTS
+
+Foot of Chambers Street
+
+and
+
+Foot of Twenty-Third Street,
+
+AS FOLLOWS:
+
+Through Express Trains leave Chambers Street at 8 A.M., 10 A.M., 5:30 P.M.,
+and 7:00 P.M., (daily); leave 23d Street at 7:45 A.M., 9:45 A.M., and 5:15
+and 6:45 P.M. (daily.) New and improved Drawing-Room Coaches will accompany
+the 10:00 A.M. train through to Buffalo, connecting at Hornellsville  with
+magnificent Sleeping Coaches running  through to Cleveland and Galion.
+Sleeping Coaches will accompany the 8:00 A.M. train from Susquehanna to
+Buffalo, the 5:30 P.M. train from New York to Buffalo, and the 7:00 P.M.
+train from New York to Rochester, Buffalo and Cincinnati. An Emigrant train
+leaves daily at 7:30 P.M.
+
+FOR PORT JERVIS AND WAY, *11:30 A.M., and 4:30 P.M., (Twenty-third Street,
+*11:15 A.M. and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR MIDDLETOWN AND WAY, at 3:30 P.M.,(Twenty-third Street, 3:15 P.M.); and,
+Sundays only, 8:30 A.M. (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR GREYCOURT AND WAY, at *8:30 A.M., (Twenty-third Street, 8:15 A.M.)
+
+FOR NEWBURGH AND WAY, at 8:00 A.M., 3:30 and 4:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street
+7:45 A.M., 3:15 and 4:15 P.M.)
+
+FOR SUFFERN AND WAY, 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, 4:45 and
+5:45 P.M.) Theatre Train, *11:30 P.M. (Twenty-third Street, *11 P.M.)
+
+FOR PATERSON AND WAY, from Twenty-third Street Depot, at 6:45, 10:15 and
+11:45 A.M.; *1:45 3:45, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street Depot at
+6:45, 10:15 A.M.; 12 M.; *1:45, 4:00, 5:15 and 6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR HACKENSACK AND HILLSDALE, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at 8:45 and
+11:45 A.M.; $7:15 3:45, $5:15, 5:45, and $6:45 P.M. From Chambers Street
+Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 12:00 M.; $2:15, 4:00 $5:15, 6:00, and $6:45 P.M.
+
+FOR PIERMONT, MONSEY AND WAY, from Twenty-third  Street Depot, at
+8:45 A.M.; 12:45, {3:15 4:15, 4:46 and {6:15 P.M., and, Saturdays only,
+{12  midnight. From Chambers Street Depot, at 9:00 A.M.; 1:00, {3:30,
+4:15, 5:00 and {6:30 P.M. Saturdays,  only, {12:00 midnight.
+
+Tickets for passage and for apartments in Drawing-Room and Sleeping
+Coaches can be obtained, and orders for the Checking and Transfer of
+Baggage may be left at the
+
+COMPANY'S OFFICES:
+
+241, 529, and 957 Broadway.
+205 Chambers Street.
+Cor. 125th Street & Third Ave., Harlem.
+338 Fulton Street, Brooklyn.
+Depots, foot of Chambers Street and foot
+of Twenty-third Street, New York.
+3 Exchange Place.
+Long Dock Depot, Jersey City,
+And of the Agents at the principal Hotels
+
+WM. R. BARR,
+_General Passenger Agent._
+
+L. D. RUCKER,
+_General Superintendent._
+
+* Daily. $ For Hackensack only. { For Piermont only.
+
+May 2D, 1870.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN
+
+"PUNCHINELLO"
+
+SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO
+
+J. NICKERSON,
+
+ROOM No. 4,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIBBLEEANIA,
+
+and
+
+Japonica Juice
+
+FOR THE HAIR.
+
+The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds
+ever offered to the public for the
+
+Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c.
+
+For consultation, apply at
+
+WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,
+
+Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.
+
+854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEVILL & HAMMAR,
+
+Wood Engravers,
+
+208 BROADWAY,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORST & AVERELL
+
+Steam Lithograph, and Letter Press
+
+PRINTERS
+
+EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL
+MANUFACTURERS.
+
+Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application
+
+23 Platt Street, and
+20-22 Gold Street,
+[P.O. Box 2845.]
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+$34 Per Day.
+
+Agents Wanted!
+
+In every Town, County and State, to canvass for
+
+Henry Ward Beecher's Great Paper,
+
+With Which is GIVEN AWAY
+
+That superb and world-renowned work of art, "Marshall's Household
+Engraving of Washington." The best paper and the grandest engraving
+in America. Agents report "making $17 in half a day." "Sales easier
+than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen desiring
+immediate and largely remunerative employment; book canvassers, and
+all soliciting agents will find more money in this than anything else.
+It is something ENTIRELY NEW, being an UNPRECEDENTED COMBINATION and
+very taking. Send for circular and terms to
+
+J. B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOLEY'S
+
+GOLD PENS.
+
+THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.
+
+256 BROADWAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bowling Green Savings-Bank
+
+33 BROADWAY,
+NEW YORK.
+
+Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.
+
+_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand
+Dollars, will be received._
+
+Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax.
+
+INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS
+Commences on the First of every Month.
+
+HENRY SMITH, _President_
+
+REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._
+
+WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._
+EDWARD HOGAN, }
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MERCANTILE LIBRARY
+
+Clinton Hall, Astor Place,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+This is now the largest Circulating Library in America, the number of
+volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each
+month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
+
+Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery.
+
+TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:
+
+TO CLERKS, $1 INITIATION, $3 ANNUAL DUES.
+TO OTHERS, $5 A YEAR.
+
+Subscriptions Taken for Six Months.
+
+BRANCH OFFICES
+
+at
+
+No. 76 Cedar St., New York,
+
+and at
+
+Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+$2 to ALBANY and TROY.
+
+The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31,
+will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m.,
+landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West
+Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill,
+Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in
+connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany
+(commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and
+for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from
+Albany to Troy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HENRY L. STEPHENS,
+
+ARTIST,
+
+No. 160 FULTON STREET,
+
+NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEO. B. BOWLEND,
+
+Draughtsman & Designer
+
+No. 160 Fulton Street,
+
+Room No. 11, NEW YORK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+J. NICKINSON
+
+begs to announce to the friends of
+
+"PUNCHINELLO,"
+
+residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has
+made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of
+
+ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,
+
+the same will be forwarded, postage paid.
+
+Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing
+Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two
+stamps.
+
+OFFICE OF
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+83 Nassau Street.
+
+P.O. Box 2783]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD
+
+AN ADAPTATION.
+
+BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+
+BALKS IN A BRUSH.
+
+
+FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever
+since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female
+College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her
+mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person
+who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her
+own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in
+two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just
+before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of
+grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr.
+SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty
+to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving
+unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten
+per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful
+settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of
+the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD,
+an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his
+wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved
+friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's
+tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar;
+willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of
+keeping up the controversy.
+
+From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things,
+engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the
+deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning
+after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of
+the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were
+spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that
+neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting
+physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have
+passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at
+all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of
+their heads off.
+
+At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her
+brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence,
+that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel
+insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in
+confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun
+had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr.
+BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar,
+formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining
+away the panic.
+
+She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive
+phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news
+procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices,
+by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS
+will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,)
+that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!--
+
+  'The Associated Press
+  In bitter distress.'
+
+In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we
+should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had
+delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this
+sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton
+stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning
+two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not
+correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart
+to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries
+have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the
+strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the
+subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in
+algebra."
+
+This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young
+ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but
+FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when
+it was announced that her guardian had come to see her.
+
+Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of
+his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was
+associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the
+scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in
+nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of
+forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for
+the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the
+otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and
+preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a
+theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into
+immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement
+to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an
+old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster
+balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth
+and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of
+shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small
+and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny.
+
+Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from
+which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after
+saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present,
+in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the
+monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and
+addressed himself to FLORA.
+
+"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double
+chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now
+'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not
+necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?"
+
+Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable
+longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles
+and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take
+pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to
+piety and gloomy presentiments.
+
+"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold
+cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?"
+
+The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to
+buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a
+young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under
+common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely
+requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave
+sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth.
+
+"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more
+important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the
+subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I
+suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a
+husband, if not as a friend!"
+
+"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him,"
+returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly
+ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of
+his nose."
+
+"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her
+guardian.
+
+"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place
+for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked:
+"If we _shouldn't_ be married, would either of us have to pay anything?"
+
+"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for
+breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and
+hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective
+parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons
+whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be
+within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will
+with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S
+trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--"
+
+"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind,"
+interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that
+there were _two_ wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd."
+
+"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square
+man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight
+memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder
+lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now
+against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed,
+or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married,
+or anything of that kind?"
+
+"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK,
+that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused
+from studying her Bible as a punishment."
+
+After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his
+farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road,
+he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church
+of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were
+carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was
+confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out.
+
+"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm.
+"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo."
+
+"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only
+been having a talk with my ward."
+
+"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED,"
+insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose.
+
+"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom
+she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and
+sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our
+respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when
+good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!"
+
+"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of
+organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back
+like a curvature of the spine.
+
+"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back.
+
+"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove,
+"Don't one generally involve the other?"
+
+
+[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in
+which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally
+unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions
+of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well,
+PUNCHINELLO _did_ remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and
+the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged
+by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground
+swarming with deceased proprietors of American _Punches!_--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]
+
+[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our
+judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make
+his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+
+OILING THE WHEELS.
+
+
+No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to
+be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of
+intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision
+which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and
+subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The
+perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon
+instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's
+husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else,
+appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of
+his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible
+acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day,
+to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and
+natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise
+of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest
+judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest
+development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since
+she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages
+from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after
+certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to
+the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less
+than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival
+sister can either divert or mislead for a moment.
+
+"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother,
+as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor,
+"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe
+characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?"
+
+"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady,
+who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet
+as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights
+in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in
+throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and
+comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches
+on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the
+gallows."
+
+"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend
+OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then
+he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's
+nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern
+Confederacy."
+
+"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by
+its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's
+waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE."
+
+"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when
+she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because,
+after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid
+that so many fishballs would make his head swim."
+
+"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the
+charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted
+limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated
+young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he
+possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's
+Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr.
+BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on
+account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my
+neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he
+wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we
+kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had
+taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day,
+ladies,' to me.
+
+"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the
+Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life."
+
+"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a
+fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one
+day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore
+dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her
+influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in
+our beds some night."
+
+Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt,
+Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not
+hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front,
+and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN
+STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the
+Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint
+Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her
+to think herself capable of error.
+
+As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for
+speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that
+he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard
+to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the
+neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it
+hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of
+an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents
+of that cupboard he could get-up such a _schema_ as would be palatable
+to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of
+which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a
+better _schema_, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a
+better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish
+looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to
+this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated
+meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy,
+commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to
+the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the
+advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word
+for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the
+vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden
+hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked
+Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the
+pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as
+rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and
+Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats,
+with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according
+to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair.
+
+Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful
+cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided
+over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill
+lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of
+smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of
+peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian
+rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his
+anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of
+removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical
+preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at
+a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the
+Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When
+the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services
+arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head
+for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of
+congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint
+Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore
+of Bumsteadville pond.
+
+(_To be Continued_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONDENSED CONGRESS.
+
+
+SENATE.
+
+[Illustration 'D']
+
+Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON
+was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The
+constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their
+depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off
+their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in
+Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the
+franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated
+with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against
+being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe
+made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New
+Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports.
+
+Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do
+anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their
+names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than
+to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a
+sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary
+human beings.
+
+Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be
+an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody
+knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for
+franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount
+of postage-stamps would have carried it.
+
+Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when
+postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were
+effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their
+drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in
+spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no
+hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best
+to cleave to his frank.
+
+
+HOUSE.
+
+Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really
+gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they
+were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature
+into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right
+to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself.
+
+Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr.
+ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He
+would not die in spring-time.
+
+MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would
+like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received
+shekels from the patentee.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as
+FARNSWORTH.
+
+The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of
+FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin.
+
+The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but
+assassin was unparliamentary.
+
+Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side
+before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards.
+
+Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH,
+nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything.
+
+The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly
+shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable.
+
+Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER,
+and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said
+LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything
+ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way.
+
+Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now
+he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear.
+
+The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for
+the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and
+
+Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the
+Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there
+had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake
+against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself
+of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred
+and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the
+traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURRENT FABLES.
+
+THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS.
+
+
+The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found,
+but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls,
+part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green
+Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government
+the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the
+latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry
+at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote
+Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived
+in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to
+dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the
+Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on
+account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but
+because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after
+making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The
+Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest
+the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the
+Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the
+Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is
+not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters,
+which is the measure of his power."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THERMOMETRICAL.
+
+In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental
+craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL NOTE.
+
+The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be
+confounded with the Horse Opera.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
+
+It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends
+of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were
+ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY VERSUS PROSE.
+
+A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion
+that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of
+the deep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET.
+
+KÖRNER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FUN AND FIN.
+
+[Illustration: 'S']
+
+Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania,
+piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the
+magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from
+a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the
+Court of CHARLES II:
+
+"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the
+Great Falls to-day to catch black bass."
+
+Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER,
+surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a
+shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's
+eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half
+a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the
+flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one,
+recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous
+accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken
+pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne,
+and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a
+minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate
+pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is
+something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female
+Treasury clerks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS.
+
+DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his
+fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon
+a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever
+know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another
+friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to
+snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for
+information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid
+a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has
+been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by
+fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling
+helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your
+heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was
+designed--to deceive others.)
+
+I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at
+the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a
+searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb
+to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart,
+and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List!
+oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold.
+
+Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and
+the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as
+good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight,
+but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a
+feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying
+out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they
+did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest
+titbits.
+
+Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is
+the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the
+Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on
+those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a
+man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one
+bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called
+White House.
+
+How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've
+visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are
+conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit
+undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to
+junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather
+glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing,
+on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the
+present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive
+things on record.
+
+Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent
+enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's
+mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and
+offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service,
+isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's
+mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to
+know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys?
+
+What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being
+handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday,
+to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome
+thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our
+street.
+
+If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos
+in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that
+it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an
+action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is?
+
+If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is
+a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade
+railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why
+should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails?
+
+Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose
+that the man who invented the _canard_ about the Jews in Roumania is
+laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated
+Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke?
+And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in,
+that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the
+new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the
+session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of
+power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side
+of their mouths?
+
+There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of
+people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like
+GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern
+parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did
+it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child.
+Can it be that I am the other thing?
+
+Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every
+possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know
+Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the
+first post?
+
+Yours,
+
+LOT.
+
+[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a
+primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his
+mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any
+reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many
+individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money?
+When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent
+cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE
+HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They
+are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN.
+
+  'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH
+  Dr. LANAHAN should teach,
+  That, sure enough, there's law enough
+  Such slanderers to reach.
+
+  But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH
+  Dr. LANAHAN may impeach,
+  And prove enough that's bad enough
+  To justify his speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNKIND.
+
+TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he
+"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in
+relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a
+full beard the rest of his life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.
+
+Old Mother Hubbard
+
+GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in
+your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this
+early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond
+alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin
+was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your
+inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose.
+And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced
+playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in
+pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now,
+to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies,
+the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog.
+
+I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for
+the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents.
+
+CANTO I.
+
+  Old Mother Hubbard
+  Went to the Cupboard
+  To get her poor dog a bone;
+  When she got there
+  The Cupboard wan bare.
+  And so the poor dog had none!
+
+Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of
+Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the
+unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no
+introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for
+gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody
+or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He
+determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no
+preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had
+ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how
+many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious
+work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book
+in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a
+price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many
+weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the
+contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't
+readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make
+the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a
+something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or
+to tell the reader that _he_ knows all about it!--The empty dishes on
+the banquet-board: no one cares for them.
+
+Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional
+idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his
+idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full,
+concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished
+her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I
+might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He
+(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is
+simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly
+it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of
+thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted
+authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do
+likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance,
+[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would
+commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was,
+what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her
+aunt's family.
+
+Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you
+everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess
+correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother
+HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself.
+
+This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to
+his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard."  "Went!" What a
+happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency
+which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon
+for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination,
+has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how
+she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me
+how she went!
+
+Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One
+may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she
+preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she
+crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went".  Now whither did
+she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the
+Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip.
+She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did
+not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and
+fore-named Cupboard.
+
+Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for
+her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the
+heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what
+would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman,
+and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the
+Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author,
+following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was
+not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but _was_
+the bone there? The sequel will show.
+
+Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the
+affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what
+gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there
+have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for
+her poor dog!
+
+But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes.
+
+  "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D]
+
+In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its
+dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the
+Cupboard was bare."
+
+Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to
+the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was,
+perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and
+poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his
+loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas!
+No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was
+about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your
+heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him,
+or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt?
+If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as
+you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor
+dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone."
+
+The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the
+Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that
+poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain
+would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so
+awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e,
+by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E]
+
+Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was
+enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of
+their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary
+and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness
+their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish.
+
+The author did wisely and well to close the Canto.
+
+Let us have--a rest!
+
+[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.]
+
+[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.]
+
+[Footnote C: Ditto.]
+
+[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.]
+
+[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANDARD LITERATURE.
+
+A writer in the _Standard_, thinking that the title Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length,
+proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely
+that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a
+suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost,"
+unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might
+induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog
+Greek" description.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY
+
+Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to
+dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.
+
+WESTON'S great Feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MUSEUM OF THE FUTURE
+
+_Learned Professor._ "THESE ARE THE RESTORED REMAINS OF A NOBLE CREATURE
+LONG SINCE EXTERMINATED BY THE SAVAGES OF PESTILENT INSECTS KNOWN AS
+POLY TICKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.
+
+When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district"
+advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.
+
+On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of
+some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in
+those he runs down.
+
+In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish
+are usually obtained from the long Reaches.
+
+Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.
+
+Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will
+connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to
+connect them with the line.
+
+Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of
+trout is with the Current.
+
+Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find
+it a great assistance when Reeling in.
+
+One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a
+Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.
+
+When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in
+the Branches.
+
+In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get
+Worsted among the Osiers.
+
+When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the
+weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.
+
+If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water.
+The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.
+
+The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely
+disappointed.
+
+Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but
+often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the
+Zodiac.
+
+Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom
+contain many trout.
+
+To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than
+political wire-pulling.
+
+A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler
+should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell
+and stiffen in the Sockets.
+
+Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy
+afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.
+
+Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at
+any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.
+
+There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the
+youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.
+
+It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day,
+in which case it is advisable to make the most of the _commencement de
+la Fin._
+
+As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists,
+it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in
+Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than
+in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that
+keep the meadows green."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.
+
+  Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;
+  Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!
+  We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)
+  But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.
+
+  In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."
+  That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)
+  JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;
+  GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.
+
+  Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.
+  Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,
+  Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;
+  We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.
+
+  We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,
+  'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;
+  And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish
+  To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.
+
+  "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--
+  She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;
+  The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--
+  And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+THE WEDDING RING AGAIN.
+
+AS PUNCHINELLO WOULD HAVE IT WORN.
+
+(_Suggested by an Indignant Sister of Sorosis._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
+
+[Illustration 'M']
+
+Manager DALY found _Frou Frou_ so popular, that he has given us a second
+dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the
+first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty
+Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "_Fernande_," but as
+"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is
+obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the
+celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present
+form was prepared "_in vacuo_" by two dramatic chemists of this city,
+and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with _Frou Frou_, it
+is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to
+suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the
+play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it
+consists of the following materials, combined in the following
+proportions:
+
+ACT I.--_Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter_ M. POMMEROL, _a benevolent
+lawyer._
+
+POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing
+whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl.
+Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the
+mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here.
+As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had
+sustained any inconvenience."
+
+POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she
+can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt
+her. Will you do it?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request!
+But look, here come the people of the house."
+
+_Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves
+with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality._
+FERNANDE, _who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely
+placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro,
+the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game
+is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to
+relieve his mind by punching_ FERNANDE's _head. Heroic interference by_
+POMMEROL, _and consequent tableau. Curtain._
+
+SATIRICAL PERSON, _to one of the ushers._ "Will you tell me what street
+this house is in?"
+
+USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."
+
+SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place
+car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene,
+that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."
+
+RESPECTABLE LADY, _to female friend._ "Isn't it shockingly improper! But
+then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those
+creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."
+
+ACT II.--_Scene,_ CLOTILDE's _Garden._ CLOTILDE _soliloquizes as
+follows:_
+
+CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE
+has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (_Enter_ ANDRE.)
+
+CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves
+in love. Would you like to leave me?"
+
+ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just
+fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is.
+Tell me her name."
+
+CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her.
+Go and make love to her." (_He goes._)
+
+CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a
+tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base
+wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent!
+Ha! ha! (_Aside._--On reflection she is innocent according to this
+version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act
+on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge,
+and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (_Raves
+accordingly until the curtain falls._)
+
+COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than
+that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes
+absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an
+innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American
+writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."
+
+FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black
+dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act.
+One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now
+when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then
+slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."
+
+ACT III. FERNANDE _and_ CLOTILDE _are discovered discussing the question
+of_ FERNANDE's _wedding outfit._
+
+FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an
+innocent girl in a gambling-house?"
+
+CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"
+
+FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't
+anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."
+
+CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (_Aside._ I will put the letter in a
+lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will
+keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")
+
+FERNANDE _writes the letter and_ CLOTILDE _confiscates it._ ANDRE,
+POMMEROL _and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of
+things. Finally_ FERNANDE _and_ ANDRE _are led out to marriage, and the
+dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain._
+
+The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the
+newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so
+popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody
+ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to
+sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married
+Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him
+up.
+
+ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would
+say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in
+your visiting me at midnight."
+
+CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your
+wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her
+and ask her if I speak the truth." (_He calls her._)
+
+ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back
+hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not
+tell me all before I married you?"
+
+FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a
+letter and confessed my innocence."
+
+(_She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an_
+OTTOMAN _who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his
+harem.) Enter_ POMMEROL.
+
+POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took
+it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (_Reads it._)
+
+FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get
+it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at
+me."
+
+ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your
+innocence!" (_Tableau._) _Curtain._
+
+RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is
+the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty _Frou-Frou_. The idea of
+that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"
+
+From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ.
+The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It
+is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of
+morality is infinitely better than _Frou-Frou_. And then it is played as
+it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely
+funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required
+of them. If _Frou-Frou_ ran a hundred nights, _Fernande_ ought to run
+five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of
+
+MATADOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.
+
+It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This
+new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing
+effect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATERING PLACES.
+
+PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
+
+Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought
+DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his
+mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in
+England, it is safe to say that it is low there.
+
+Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went
+straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was
+amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union."
+But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to
+reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to
+his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't
+help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work
+on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As
+soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they
+might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of
+vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take
+one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so
+much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.
+
+"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure,
+but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who,
+you know, is expected here daily."
+
+"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course,
+keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum
+will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"
+
+Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of
+the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good
+year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the
+seventh story of the right-hand tower.
+
+Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went
+to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon
+experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he
+tried a new one--the "Geyser."
+
+Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young
+lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily
+hands--the boy might dip it up, but she _must_ hand it to him--and she
+had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came
+back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he
+merely remarked:
+
+"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."
+
+Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to
+consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of
+Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of
+Strontia.
+
+At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon.
+For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she
+was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was
+EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER.
+Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when
+she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always
+see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry
+at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow
+partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed,
+that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he
+had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.
+
+He never saw that Pole.
+
+After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it
+was of no use to think. There is a _something_ about Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out
+buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The
+horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by
+"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a
+"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a
+musician would have considered his style entirely too _forte_. They had
+not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel
+his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was
+delighted.
+
+"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's
+nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the _Revolution_,
+now that TILTON is putting live people there."
+
+"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if
+this confounded horse don't slack up."
+
+"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.
+
+"I mean we shall upset," said he.
+
+"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you
+better pull on the left string?"
+
+"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.
+
+"But _I_ think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are
+naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be
+as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"
+
+"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and
+beginning to make a little impression upon it.
+
+"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I
+know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession
+and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the
+left rein.
+
+It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards
+evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to
+the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.
+
+That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new
+conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save
+his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus
+puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered
+the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.
+
+"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one
+of Mr. P.'s _Partagas_. "I want you to do something for me."
+
+"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.
+
+"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the
+commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in
+my place for a while."
+
+"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.
+
+"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in
+the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a
+committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last
+year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the
+deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon
+as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."
+
+"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a
+sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"
+
+"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business
+is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more
+about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."
+
+"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid
+for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and
+some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away
+the greater part Mr. P.'s _Partaga_.
+
+The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S.
+5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal
+and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly
+gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.
+
+When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the
+Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and
+pearls.
+
+Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left
+the next day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMIC ZOOLOGY.
+
+ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.
+
+There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one
+horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are
+as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness
+for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection,
+as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is
+the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly
+dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this
+ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the
+promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it,
+among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact
+that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the
+white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater
+viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most
+ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with
+a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New
+England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive
+Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out
+by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the
+inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.
+
+We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have
+hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty
+thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and
+especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of
+the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the
+creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face
+it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it
+comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.
+
+As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and
+its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its
+peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the
+vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often
+rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however,
+be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells
+from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the
+Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the
+long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not
+unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of
+forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general
+resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side,
+points of difference would be observed between them.
+
+It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the
+Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the
+Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem
+that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter.
+As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to
+time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some
+archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat
+was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The
+"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss,"
+whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was
+the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss,"
+and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros."
+This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well
+authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile
+Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never
+seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile.
+Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that
+source are generally taken _cum grano salis_, or profanely characterised
+(see Cicero) as "_Nihil Tam incredible_," the above statement in
+relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well
+informed naturalist.
+
+The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a
+grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more
+like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic
+process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and
+trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the
+right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.
+
+  Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,
+    And guardian of freedom and justice and law,
+  How bright in the annals of war was thy story!
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,
+    Though now they assure us they don't care a straw
+  For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  They _know_ our best ships are dismantled or rotten,
+    _We_ know that they'll soon be abolished by law,
+  And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--
+    Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,
+  As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,
+    And man our defences with soldiers of straw,
+  To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,
+    Of course we must trust to our ancient _éclat_;
+  Economy now is the cry, we must save a
+    Few millions for thieves to steal--_unum go bragh!_
+
+  "_Sun_" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--
+    Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,
+  And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--
+    Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,
+  And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen
+    Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;
+  Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+  The people may some day awake to the notion
+    That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,
+  And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;
+    _Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR NURSERY-MAIDS.
+  _Julia._ (_Who has been cautioned not to leave the private park on any
+                account_.) "WHICH WAY NOW, MARY ANN?"
+
+  _Mary Ann._ "TO THE MILLINER'S. AND YOU?"
+
+  _Julia._ "TO THE DRESSMAKER'S."
+
+  _Mary Ann._ "OH, WHAT BOTHERS CHILDREN IS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON CATS.
+
+Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."
+
+Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and
+"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require
+to get their dander up before they'll show fight.
+
+Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting
+proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black
+cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit
+_sparks_.
+
+A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade,
+can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by
+a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well
+directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail
+between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)
+
+Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they
+are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were
+more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on
+the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I
+consigned them to a watery grave.
+
+It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice,
+and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly
+worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed
+for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the
+feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the _mus_ in the Fejee
+palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his
+follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!
+
+Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To
+see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic
+attraction in the love line between them. There may be, _before hand_.
+But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no
+love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down
+Grimalkin's throat.
+
+A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who,
+they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some
+relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from
+the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards
+thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty
+promiscuously from third story windows, _et cetera_. They have a knack
+of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to
+have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget
+that "Pride must have a fall."
+
+Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a
+Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous
+as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not
+particular about cutting them.
+
+BILL BISCAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."
+
+A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the
+subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says
+that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."
+
+That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good
+scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece
+spots with which it has been tarnished.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
+
+The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact
+that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and
+extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to
+do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and
+why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the
+daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would
+they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of _The Independent_,) let
+loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of _The Gazette_!
+
+P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here
+intended to Mr. TILTON'S _Independent_, which is extremely well supplied
+with mosquitoes already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PORTFOLIO.
+
+One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI
+SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a
+legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a
+beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a
+pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of
+his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had
+"consummated marriage a second time."
+
+When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized
+him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet,
+not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water
+upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks
+pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of
+the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the
+unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of
+hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman
+why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the
+"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented
+himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon
+MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz
+with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this
+"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal
+eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments
+of a beloved son.
+
+The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we
+may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its
+own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it
+possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A. T. STEWART & Co.
+
+OFFER A LARGE LOT OF
+
+JAPANESE POPLINS at 50 cts. per yard; recent price $1.
+
+LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1 per yard; reduced from $1.50
+
+LYON'S CHECKED SILKS, SPRING COLORS, $1.25 per yard; reduced from $1.75.
+
+HEAVY CHINE SILKS, GRISAILLE COLORS, $1.50 per yard; value $2.50.
+
+An Elegant Assortment of
+
+Choice Colors In Mozambique Poplins,
+
+Extra Fine Quality.
+
+ALSO
+
+A Variety of Novelties in
+
+Checked, Striped and Plain-Colored Poulte De Sole,
+
+Just received per last steamer.
+
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Have just received
+
+TWO CASES
+
+Extra Fine Elboeuf Cassimeres,
+
+The very Latest Paris Novelties.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+WILL OFFER,
+
+Prior to taking their Semi-Annual Inventory,
+
+Extraordinary Bargains
+
+IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF
+
+Silks, Dress Goods, &c.,
+
+BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts.
+
+PRINTED ORGANDIES, extra fine, 20 cts. per yard; reduced from 40 cts.
+
+SHIRTING CAMBRICS, yard wide, only 12-1/2 cts. per yard.
+
+Llama Lace Shawls, Jackets, Iron
+Grenadine Bareges, Real
+India Camel's Hair
+Shawls.
+
+_Plain Centres, Wide Borders, only $35 and upward._
+
+PARIS MADE
+
+SILK CLOAKS AND SACQUES,
+
+Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets, &c.
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A. T. Stewart & Co.
+
+Have made still further reductions in
+
+LADIES' LINEN AND COTTON SUITS, $5 each and upward.
+
+LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, AND FLOUNCED,
+$10 each upward.
+
+CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS,
+TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward.
+
+LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES
+BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND
+BONNETS, TRIMMED, $3 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1 each upward.
+
+Flowers, Feathers, &c.
+
+_Customers and the residents of the neighboring
+cities are respectfully invited to examine._
+
+BROADWAY,
+
+4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly
+Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in
+every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of the
+kind ever published in America.
+
+CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL
+
+Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00
+      "       "  six months, (without premium,)   2.00
+      "       "  three months,    "       "       1.00
+Single copies mailed free, for                      10
+
+We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S
+CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:
+
+A copy of paper for one year, and
+"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chrome. Size 8-3-8 by 11-1-8
+($2.00 picture,)--for                            $4.OO
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:
+
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+Easter Morning. 6-2/4 x 10-1/4--for              $5.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:
+
+Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings; Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8.
+The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14.
+The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-2/4 x 13.
+Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for
+                                                 $6.50
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:
+
+The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends.
+(Dog and Child.) Each 12-7/8 x 16-1/4.
+Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.
+The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for          $7.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:
+
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+Six Central Park Views.(A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and
+
+Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for
+                                                  $9.00
+
+A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos:
+
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+Easter Morning. 14 x 21.
+Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8.
+Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10/1-2,
+together for                                      $10.00
+
+Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on
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+number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.
+
+Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per
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+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BY THE SAD SEA WAVES.
+
+"WANT A NICE PAIR OF BATHING DRAWERS, BOSS?"]
+
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+PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to
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+
+PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory."
+Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.
+
+L. PRANG & CO., Boston.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
+A Daily Morning Newpaper,
+
+CONTAINING ALL THE NEWS.
+
+Single Copies, Two Cents. Subscription Price,
+Six Dollars a Year.
+
+Published Every Morning, except Sundays.
+
+At 34 PARK ROW, by
+
+JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCHINELLO.
+
+With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a
+paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more positive
+advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
+
+OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,
+
+Presents to the public for approval, the new
+
+ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
+WEEKLY PAPER,
+
+PUNCHINELLO,
+
+The first number of which was issued under date of April 2.
+
+ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
+
+Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive
+ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the
+day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.
+
+Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless
+postage stamps are inclosed.
+
+TERMS:
+
+One copy, per year, in advance                       $4 00
+Single copies                                           10
+A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the
+receipt of ten cents.
+One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other
+magazine or paper, price $2.50, for                   5 50
+One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for  7 00
+
+All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
+
+No. 83 Nassau Street,
+
+P.O. Box, 2783, New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Printing House of the United States."
+
+GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,
+
+General JOB PRINTERS,
+
+BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,
+STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail,
+LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,
+COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,
+CARD Manufacturers,
+ENVELOPE Manufacturers,
+FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.
+
+163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,
+73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.
+
+ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under
+immediate supervision of the proprietors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO NEWS-DEALERS.
+
+Punchinello's Monthly.
+
+The Weekly Numbers for June,
+
+Bound in a Handsome Cover,
+
+Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRADE
+
+Supplied by the
+
+AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,
+
+Who are now prepared to receive Orders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
+
+The New Burlesque Serial,
+
+Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,
+
+BY
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.
+
+A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb
+illustrations of
+
+1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW
+JERSEY.
+
+2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears
+"Every Saturday,"
+will also be found in the same number.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office,
+free,) Ten Cents.
+
+Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4.
+
+
+Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which
+promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe
+now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.
+
+We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes
+to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.
+
+Address,
+
+PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
+
+P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
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+
+<h1>Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870</h1>
+<pre>
+Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870, by Various
+
+Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
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+**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9, 1870
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January, 2006 [EBook #9797]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on October 18, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Sandra Brown
+and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+
+<img alt="001.jpg (294K)" src="001.jpg" height="1150" width="790">
+<br><br><br><br>
+<h1>
+PUNCHINELLO</h1>
+
+<h2>
+SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1870.</h2>
+
+<h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3>
+
+<h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY.</h3>
+
+<h3>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h3>
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="002.jpg (262K)" src="002.jpg" height="1135" width="779">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<h2>
+THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD</h2>
+
+<h4>AN ADAPTATION.</h4>
+
+<h3>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</h3>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+<p>
+CHAPTER IX.</p>
+
+<p>
+BALKS IN A BRUSH.</p>
+
+<p>
+FLORA, having no relations in the world that she knew of, had, ever
+since her seventh new bonnet, known no other home than Macassar Female
+College, in the Alms-House, and regarded Miss CAROWTHERS as her
+mother-in-lore. Her memory of her own mother was of a lady-like person
+who had swiftly waisted away in the effort to be always taken for her
+own daughter, and was, one day, brought down-stairs, by her husband, in
+two pieces, from tight lacing. The sad separation (taking place just
+before a party of pleasure), had driven FLORA'S father into a frenzy of
+grief for his better halves; which was augmented to brain fever by Mr.
+SCHENCK, who, having given a Boreal policy to deceased, felt it his duty
+to talk gloomily about wives who sometimes died apart after receiving
+unmerited cuts from their husbands, and to suggest a compromise of ten
+per cent, upon the amount of the policy, as a much more cheerful
+settlement than a coroner's inquest. FLORA'S betrothal had grown out of
+the soothing of Mr. POTTS'S last year of mental disorder by Mr. DROOD,
+an old partner in the grocery business, who, too, was a widower from his
+wife's use of arsenic and lead for her complexion. The two bereaved
+friends, after comparing tears and looking mournfully at each other's
+tongues, had talked themselves to death over the fluctuations in sugar;
+willing their respective children to marry in future for the sake of
+keeping up the controversy.</p>
+
+<p>From the FLOWERPOT'S first arrival at the Alms-House, her new things,
+engagement to be married, and stock of chocolate caramels, had won the
+deepest affections of her teachers and schoolmates; and, on the morning
+after the sectional dispute between EDWIN and MONTGOMERY, when one of
+the young ladies had heard of it as a profound secret, no pains were
+spared by the whole tender-hearted school to make her believe that
+neither of the young men was entirely given up yet by the consulting
+physicians. It was whispered, indeed, that a knife or two might have
+passed, and two or three guns been exchanged; but she was not to be at
+all worried, for persons had been known to get well with the tops of
+their heads off.</p>
+
+<p>At an early hour, however, Miss PENDRAGON had paid a visit to her
+brother, in Gospeler's Gulch; and, coming back with the intelligence,
+that, while he had been stabbed to the heart, it was chiefly by cruel
+insinuations and an umbrella, was enabled to assure Miss CAROWTHERS, in
+confidence, that nothing eligible for publication in the New York Sun
+had really occurred. Thus, when the legal conqueror of Breachy Mr.
+BLODGETT entered that principal recitation-room of the Macassar,
+formally known as the Cackleorium, she had no difficulty in explaining
+away the panic.</p>
+
+<p>She said that "Unfounded Rumor, Ladies, is, we all know, a descriptive
+phrase applied by the Associated Press to all important foreign news
+procured a week or two in advance of its own similar European advices,
+by the Press Association[A]. We perceive then, Ladies, (Miss JENKINS
+will be good enough to stop scratching her nose while I am talking,)
+that Unfounded Rumor sometimes means--hem!--</p>
+
+<p>  'The Associated Press<br>
+  In bitter distress.'</p>
+
+<p>In Bumsteadville, however, it has a signification more like what we
+should give it in relation to a statement that Senator SUMNER had
+delivered a Latin quotation without a speech selected for it. In this
+sense, Ladies, (Miss PARKINSON can scarcely be aware of how much cotton
+stocking can be seen when she lolls so,) the Unfounded Rumor concerning
+two gentlemen of different political views in this county was not
+correct. (Miss BABCOCK will learn four chapters in Chronicles by heart
+to-night, for making her handkerchief into a baby,) as proper inquiries
+have assured us that no more blood was shed than if the parties to the
+strife had been a Canadian and a Fenian. We will, therefore, drop the
+subject, and enter at once upon the flowery path of the first lesson in
+algebra."</p>
+
+<p>This explanation destroyed all the interest of a majority of the young
+ladies, who had anticipated a horridly delightful duel, at least; but
+FLORA was slightly hysterical about it, even late in the afternoon, when
+it was announced that her guardian had come to see her.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. DIBBLE, of Gowanus, had been selected for his trust on account of
+his pre-eminent goodness, which, as seems to be invariably the case, was
+associated with an absence of personal beauty trenching upon the
+scarecrow. Possibly an excess of strong and disproportionate carving in
+nose, mouth and chin, accompanied by weak eyes and unexpectedness of
+forehead, may tend to make the Evil One but languid in his desire for
+the capture of its human exemplar. This may help account for the
+otherwise rather curious coincidence of frightful physiognomy and
+preternatural goodness in this world of sinful beauties[B]. Under such a
+theory, Mr. DIBBLE'S easy means of frightening the Arch-Tempter into
+immediate flight, and keeping himself free from all possible incitement
+to be anything but good, were a face, head and neck shaped not unlike an
+old-fashioned water-pitcher, and a form suggestive of an obese lobster
+balancing on an upright horse-shoe. His nose was too high up; his mouth
+and chin bulged too tremendously; his neck inside a whole mainsail of
+shirt-collar was too much fluted, and his eyes were as much too small
+and oyster-like as his ears were too large and horny.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. DIBBLE found his ward in Miss CAROWTHER'S own private room, from
+which even the government mails were generally excluded; and, after
+saluting both ladies, and politely desiring the elder to remain present,
+in order to be sure that his conversation was strictly moral, the
+monstrous old gentleman pulled a memorandum book from his pocket and
+addressed himself to FLORA.</p>
+
+<p>"I am a square man myself, dear kissling," he said, with much double
+chin in his manner, "and like to do everything on the square. I am now
+'interviewing' you, and shall make notes of your answers, though not
+necessarily for publication. First: is your health satisfactory?"</p>
+
+<p>Miss POTTS admitted that, excepting occasional attacks of insatiable
+longing for True Sympathy, chiefly produced by over-eating of pickles
+and slate-pencils to avert excessive plumpness, she could generally take
+pie twice without experiencing a subsequent reactionary tendency to
+piety and gloomy presentiments.</p>
+
+<p>"Second: is your allowance of pin-money sufficient to keep you in cold
+cream, Berlin wool, and other necessaries of life?"</p>
+
+<p>The FLOWERPOT confessed that she had now and then wished herself able to
+buy a church and a velvet dressing-gown, (lined with cherry,) for a
+young clergyman with the consumption and side-whiskers; but, under
+common circumstances, her allowance was enough to procure all absolutely
+requisite Edging without running her into debt, and still leave
+sufficient to buy materials for any reasonable altar-cloth.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, my dear," said Mr. DIBBLE, evidently glad that all the more
+important and serious part of the interview was over, "we come to the
+subject of your marriage. Mr. EDWIN has seen you here, occasionally, I
+suppose, and you may possibly like him well enough to accept him as a
+husband, if not as a friend!"</p>
+
+<p>"He's such a perfectly absurd creature that I can't help liking him,"
+returned FLORA, gravely; "but I am not certain that my utterly
+ridiculous deeper woman's love is entirely satisfied with the shape of
+his nose."</p>
+
+<p>"That'll be mostly hidden by his whiskers, when they grow," observed her
+guardian.</p>
+
+<p>"I hope they'll be bushy, with a frizzle at the ends and a bald place
+for his chin," said the young girl, reflectively; then suddenly asked:
+"If we <i>shouldn't</i> be married, would either of us have to pay anything?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should say not," answered Mr. DIBBLE, "unless you sued him for
+breach." (Here Miss CAROWTHERS was heard to murmur "BLODGETT," and
+hastily took an anti-nervous pill.) "I should say that your respective
+parents wished you to marry only in case you should see no other persons
+whose noses you liked better. As on this coming Christmas you will be
+within a few months of your marriage, I have brought your father's will
+with me, with the intention of depositing it in the hands of Mr. EDWIN'S
+trustee, Mr. BUMSTEAD--"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, leave it with EDDY, if you'll please to be so ridiculously kind,"
+interrupted FLORA. "Mr. BUMSTEAD would certainly insist upon it that
+there were <i>two</i> wills, instead of one: and that would be so absurd."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well," assented Mr. DIBBLE, rising to go, "I'm a perfectly square
+man, even when I'm looking round, and will do as you wish. As a slight
+memento of my really charming visit here, might I humbly petition yonder
+lady to remit any little penalty that may happen to be in force just now
+against any lovely student of the College for eating preserves in bed,
+or writing notes to the Italian music teacher, who is already married,
+or anything of that kind?"</p>
+
+<p>"FLORA," said Miss CAROWTHERS, graciously, "you may tell Miss BABCOCK,
+that, in consequence of your guardian's request, she will be excused
+from studying her Bible as a punishment."</p>
+
+<p>After due acknowledgment of this favor, the good Mr. DIBBLE made his
+farewell bow, and went forth to the turnpike. Following that high road,
+he presently found himself near the side-door of the Ritualistic Church
+of Saint Cow's, and, while curiously watching the minor canons who were
+carrying in some fireworks to be used in the next day's service, was
+confronted by Mr. BUMSTEAD just coming out.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me see you home," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, hastily holding out an arm.
+"I'll tell the family it's only vertigo."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, nothing is the matter with me," pleaded Mr. DIBBLE. "I've only
+been having a talk with my ward."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll bet cloves for two that she didn't say she preferred me to NED,"
+insinuated Mr. BUMSTEAD, breathing audibly through his nose.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you'll not lose," was the answer; "for she did not tell me whom
+she preferred to the one she wishes to marry. They never do; and
+sometimes it is only discovered in Indiana. You and I surrender our
+respective guardianships on Christmas, Mr. BUMSTEAD; until when
+good-bye; and be early marriage their lot!"</p>
+
+<p>"Be early Divorce their lot!" said BUMSTEAD, thrusting his book of
+organ-music so far under his coat-flap that it stuck out at the back
+like a curvature of the spine.</p>
+
+<p>"I said marriage," cried Mr. DIBBLE, looking back.</p>
+
+<p>"I said Divorce," retorted Mr. BUMSTEAD, thoughtfully eating a clove,
+"Don't one generally involve the other?"</p>
+
+<p>
+[Footnote A: Oh, see here now, this is really too bad! The manner in
+which the great American Adapter is all the time making totally
+unexpected and vicious passes at the finest old cherished institutions
+of the age is simply frightful. PUNCHINELLO should prevent it?--Well,
+PUNCHINELLO <i>did</i> remonstrate at an early stage of the Adaptation; and
+the result was, that all the finest feelings of his nature were outraged
+by an ensuing Chapter, in which was introduced a pauper burial-ground
+swarming with deceased proprietors of American <i>Punches!</i>--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote B: The whole idea is nothing less than atrocious; and, in our
+judgment, the Adapter's actual purpose in putting it forth is to make
+his own superlative goodness seem proved by a logical conclusion.--EDS.
+PUNCHINELLO.]</p>
+
+<br><br>
+
+<p>
+CHAPTER X.</p>
+
+<p>
+OILING THE WHEELS.</p>
+
+<p>
+No husband who has ever properly studied his mother-in-law can fail to
+be aware that woman's perception of heartless villainy and evidences of
+intoxication in man is often of that curiously fine order of vision
+which rather exceeds the best efforts of ordinary microscopes, and
+subjects the average human mind to considerable astonishment. The
+perfect ease with which she can detect murderous proclivities, Mormon
+instincts, and addiction to maddening liquors, in a daughter's
+husband--who, to the most searching inspection of everybody else,
+appears the watery, hen-pecked, and generally intimidated young man of
+his age--is one of those common illustrations of the infallible
+acuteness of feminine judgment which are doing more and more, every day,
+to establish the positive necessity of woman's superior insight, and
+natural dispassionate fairness of mind, for the future wisest exercise
+of the elective franchise and most just administration of the highest
+judicial office. It may be said that the mother-in-law is the highest
+development of the supernaturally perceptive and positive woman, since
+she usually has superior opportunities to study man in all the stages
+from marriage to madness; but with her whole sex, particularly after
+certain sour turns in life, inheres an alertness of observation as to
+the incredible viciousness of masculine character, which nothing less
+than a bit of flattery or a happily equivocal reflection upon some rival
+sister can either divert or mislead for a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"Now don't you really think, OLDY," said Gospeler SIMPSON to his mother,
+as he sat watching her fabrication of an immense stocking for the poor,
+"that Hopeless Inebriate and Midnight Assassin are a rather too severe
+characterization of my pupil, Mr. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I do not, OCTAVE," replied the excellent old nut-cracker of a lady,
+who was making the charity stocking as nearly in the shape of a hatchet
+as possible. "When a young man of rebel sentiments spends all his nights
+in drinking lemon teas, and trying to spoil other young men's clothes in
+throwing such teas at them, and is only to be put down by umbrellas, and
+comes to his homes with cloves in his clenched fists, and has headaches
+on the following days, he's on his way either to political office or the
+gallows."</p>
+
+<p>"But he hasn't done so at all with s's to it," exclaimed the Reverend
+OCTAVIUS, exasperated by so many plurals. "He did it but once, and then
+he was strongly provoked. EDWIN mentioned the sharpness of his sister's
+nose to him, and reflected casually upon the late well-known Southern
+Confederacy."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't tell me!" reasoned the fine old lady, holding up the stocking by
+its handle to see how much longer it must be to reach the wearer's
+waist. "I'm afraid you're a copperhead, OCTAVE."</p>
+
+<p>"How you do cackle, OLDY!" said her son, who was very proud of her when
+she kept still. "You can't see anything good in MONTGOMERY, because,
+after the first seven or eight breakfasts with us, he said he was afraid
+that so many fishballs would make his head swim."</p>
+
+<p>"My child," returned the old lady, thrusting an arm so far into the
+charity stocking that she seemed to have the wrong kind of blue worsted
+limb growing from one of her shoulders, "I have judged this dissipated
+young man exactly as though he were my own son-in-law, and know that he
+possesses an incendiary disposition. After the fireworks at Saint Cow's
+Church, on Saint VITUS'S Day, that devoted Ritualistic Christian, Mr.
+BUMSTEAD, came up to me in the porch, with his eyes nearly closed, on
+account of the solemnity of the occasion, and began feeling around my
+neck with both his hands. When I asked him to explain, he said that he
+wanted to see whether my throat was cut yet, as he had heard that we
+kept a Southern murderer at home. He was still very pale at what had
+taken place in his room over night, when he finally said 'Good-day,
+ladies,' to me.</p>
+
+<p>"MONTGOMERY is certainly attached to me, at any rate," murmured the
+Gospeler, reflectively, "and has made no attempt upon my life."</p>
+
+<p>"That's because his sister restrains him," asserted the mother, with a
+fond look. "I overheard her telling him, when she was at dinner here one
+day, that you might be taken for a Southerner, if you only wore
+dress-coat all the time and were heavily mortgaged. Withdraw her
+influence, and the desperate young man would tar and feather us all in
+our beds some night."</p>
+
+<p>Falling silent after this unanswerable proof of Mr. PENDRAGON'S guilt,
+Mr. SIMPSON mused upon as much of the dear old nutcracker as was not
+hidden by the vast charity stocking. In her ruffled cap, false front,
+and spectacles, she was so exactly the figure one might picture Mr. JOHN
+STUART MILL to be, after reading his latest literary knitting on the
+Revolting Injustice of Masculine Society, that the Gospeler of Saint
+Cow's could not help feeling how perfectly useless it was to expect her
+to think herself capable of error.</p>
+
+<p>As, whenever the Reverend OCTAVIUS gave indication of a capacity for
+speechless thoughtfulness, his benignant mother at once concluded that
+he needed an anti-bilious pill, she now made all haste to the cupboard
+to procure that imitation-vegetable and a glass of water. It was the
+neatest, best-stored Ritualistic cupboard in Bumsteadville. Above it
+hung a portrait of the Pope, from which the grand old Apostolic son of
+an infallible dogma looked knowingly down, as though with the contents
+of that cupboard he could get-up such a <i>schema</i> as would be palatable
+to the most skeptical Bishop in all the Oecumenical Council, and of
+which be might justly say: Whosoever dare think that he ever tasted a
+better <i>schema</i>, or ever dreamed in his deepest consciousness that a
+better could be made, let him be anathema maranatha! A most rakish
+looking wooden button, noiselessly stealthly and sly, gave entrance to
+this treasury of dainties; and then what a rare array of disintegrated
+meals intoxicated the vision! There was the Athlete of the Dairy,
+commonly called Fresh Butter, in his gay yellow jacket, looking wore to
+the knife. There was turgid old Brown Sugar, who had evidently heard the
+advice, go to the ant, thou sluggard! and, and mistaking the last word
+for Sugared, was going as deliberately as possible. There was the
+vivacious Cheese, in the hour of its mite, clad in deep, creamy, golden
+hue, with delicate traceries of mould, like fairy cobwebs. The Smoked
+Beef, and Doughnuts, as being more sober and unemotional features of the
+pageant, appeared on either side the remains of a Cold Chicken, as
+rendering pathetic tribute to hoary age; while sturdy, reliable Hash and
+Fishballs reposed right and left in their mottled and rich brown coats,
+with a kind of complacent consciousness of having been created according
+to Mrs. GLASS'S standard dictum, First catch your Hair.</p>
+
+<p>Gospeler SIMPSON, by natural law, alternated from this wonderful
+cupboard, very regularly, to another, or sister cupboard, also presided
+over by the good old maternal nut-cracker, wherein the energetic pill
+lived in its little pasteboard house next door to the crystal palace of
+smooth, insinuating castor oil; and passionate fiery essence of
+peppermint grew hot with indignation at the proximity of plebeian
+rhubarb and squills. In the present case he quietly took his
+anti-bilious globule: which, besides being a step in the direction of
+removing a pimple from his chin, was also intended as a kind of medical
+preparation for his coming services in the Ritualistic Church, where, at
+a certain part of the ceremonies, he was to stand on his head before the
+Banner of St. Alban and balance Roman candles on his uplifted feet. When
+the day had nearly passed, and the Vesper hour for those services
+arrived, he performed them with all the less rush of blood to the head
+for being thus prepared; yet there was still a slight sensation of
+congestion, and, to get rid of this, when he stepped forth from Saint
+Cow's in the twilight, it was to take an evening stroll along the shore
+of Bumsteadville pond.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>To be Continued</i>.)</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</h2>
+
+<h3>
+SENATE.</h3>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="003.jpg (77K)" src="003.jpg" height="585" width="388">
+</td><td>
+<p>Down again came the furious FRANK. But not the fiery Hun. Mr. STOCKTON
+was Frank. He said he represented New Jersey. (Enthusiastic Groans.) The
+constituents of New Jersey were a peculiar people. Such was their
+depravity that they said they would rather have fifty per cent taken off
+their taxes than to receive the speeches of their representatives in
+Congress free of charge. Under these circumstances they looked upon the
+franking privilege, he regretted to say, as a swindle, and remonstrated
+with him, with tears in their expressive and fish-like eyes, against
+being hidden by a shower of public documents. The Congressional Globe
+made a very inferior article of lamp-lighters, and the proud pigs of New
+Jersey declined to fatten upon the Patent Office reports.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. TIPTON was in favor of the franking privilege. What good would it do
+anybody if Congressmen drew postage-stamps in lieu of writing their
+names. As for him, he found it much easier to draw postage-stamps than
+to write his name, and he was sure that none of them were so lost to a
+sense of their own dignity as to pay their own postages, like ordinary
+human beings.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br>
+<p>Mr. STEWART said certainly not. The only thing was that there would be
+an account kept of the number of postage-stamps they drew, but nobody
+knew how often a man used his frank. He himself had been censured for
+franking a few tons of pig-iron from Washington to Nevada. But no amount
+of postage-stamps would have carried it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. DRAKE referred to the darkest hour of the late war, when
+postage-stamps were current, and when, if the proposed changes were
+effected, they could have made the Post-Office department pay for their
+drinks. But in the present state of the South, when the Ku-Klux Klan, in
+spite of his most earnest endeavors, refused to kill anybody, he saw no
+hope that those golden hours would return. Therefore he thought it best
+to cleave to his frank.</p>
+
+<h3>
+HOUSE.</h3>
+
+<p>Mr. LOGAN desired to expel WHITTEMORE permanently. WHITTEMORE had really
+gone too far, and if they let him in people would consider that they
+were no better, and institute investigations of a disagreeable nature
+into the conduct of Congress generally. Of course the House had a right
+to expel him. It had a right to expel everybody but himself.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. ELDRIDGE said that directly Mr. LOGAN would be claiming that he--Mr.
+ELDRIDGE--ought to be expelled. This would be unpleasant to him. He
+would not die in spring-time.</p>
+
+<p>MR. BUTLER said, in default of getting San Domingo annexed, he would
+like to get the patent of a friend of his in Massachusetts extended.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH objected, upon the ground that Mr. BUTLER had received
+shekels from the patentee.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BUTLER said, if he had, he hadn't so much hair on his face as
+FARNSWORTH.</p>
+
+<p>The Comic Speaker performed a solo on the gavel, and said it was none of
+FARNSWORTH'S business anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said Mr. BUTLER had got $2,000, and hadn't earned it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BUTLER said Mr. FARNSWORTH was a coward and an assassin.</p>
+
+<p>The Comic Speaker said he rather thought FARNSWORTH was a coward, but
+assassin was unparliamentary.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. FARNSWORTH said the evidence showed that BUTLER was on one side
+before he got a fee, and on the other afterwards.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BUTLER said there was nothing green in his eye. As for FARNSWORTH,
+nobody would ever pay him $2000 for anything.</p>
+
+<p>The Comic Speaker said that all Mr. FARNSWORTH'S remarks were perfectly
+shocking. As for Mr. BUTLER, his conduct was admirable.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. SCHENCK saw that the interest was absorbed by FARNSWORTH and BUTLER,
+and tried to divert it by getting up a little shindy with LOGAN. He said
+LOGAN wanted everything done in LOGAN'S way, when notoriously everything
+ought to be done in SCHENCK'S way.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. LOGAN said SCHENCK had led the House by the nose for four weeks. Now
+he proposed to lead it for a few days himself--by the ear.</p>
+
+<p>The Comic Speaker said he liked to see this. It made things lively for
+the boys. He hoped SCHENCK and LOGAN would keep on. But they didn't; and</p>
+
+<p>Mr. DAWES said he had charged some time ago that the expenses of the
+Government had increased. He wished to take that back. It seemed there
+had been an error in the accounts. The Government had made a mistake
+against itself of seventy-six millions, and another in favor of itself
+of seventy-seven millions. Both added together made more than a hundred
+and fifty millions, which would reduce the expenses below those of the
+traitor, murderer, viper, and unpleasant person known as ANDREW JOHNSON.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CURRENT FABLES.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE BULLS AND THE BEAVERS.</h3>
+
+<p>
+The Lion claimed dominion over all the beasts wherever they were found,
+but some of them were rebellious. Among the malcontents were the Bulls,
+part of whom inhabited a pasture so rich that it was called the Green
+Isle, while others lived in a charming country with "the best government
+the world ever saw," owned and occupied by the Eagles. Adjoining the
+latter was a colony of quiet and inoffensive Beavers. The Bulls, angry
+at the Beavers for their humble submission to the rule of the remote
+Lion, resolved to make war upon them. Accordingly, those Bulls who lived
+in the Land of the Eagles proceeded to invade the colony, intending to
+dispossess the Beavers and form a government of their own. But the
+Eagles had a reasonable degree of respect for the Lion, not so much on
+account of his individual strength, which was comparatively trivial, but
+because he was the ruler of all manner of beasts. So their leader, after
+making the second memorable speech of his life, in which he said "The
+Eagles is at peace with the Lion," despatched a little Eaglet to arrest
+the progress of the Bulls. This messenger, flying to the edge of the
+Beaver's colony, caught and confined in a prison the leader of the
+Bulls, who, as he was being conducted to jail, cried out, "Verily it is
+not the strength of the individual, but the number of his supporters,
+which is the measure of his power."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THERMOMETRICAL.</h2>
+
+<p>In the present torrid state of the weather, can the Oriental
+craftsmanship lately introduced here be properly termed Coolie labor?</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THEATRICAL NOTE.</h2>
+
+<p>The OATES troupe now performing at the Olympic Theatre must not be
+confounded with the Horse Opera.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.</h2>
+
+<p>It occurs in PUNCHINELLO, at this late day, to remark that the friends
+of America in England, even in the darkest hours of the rebellion, were
+ever disposed to look on the BRIGHT side.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>POETRY VERSUS PROSE.</h2>
+
+<p>A traveller, who has lately been shipwrecked on the ocean, has a notion
+that there is precious little poetry in being Rocked in the cradle of
+the deep.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE ONLY GERMAN POET RECOGNIZED IN WALL STREET.</h2>
+
+<p>KÖRNER.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>FUN AND FIN.</h2>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<img alt="004.jpg (85K)" src="004.jpg" height="604" width="400">
+</td><td>
+<p>Since President GRANT's famous trouting excursion to Pennsylvania,
+piscatorial pastimes appear to have become quite the thing among the
+magnates of the Government. The following item from Washington, cut from
+a morning paper, reads very like a bit of gossip from the history of the
+Court of CHARLES II:</p>
+
+<p>"General SPINNER and some of his female Treasury clerks went to the
+Great Falls to-day to catch black bass."</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Redolent of all that is rural and sweet, is the idea of SPINNER,
+surrounded by a bevy of his "female Treasury clerks," reclining upon a
+shady rock just over the Great Falls. We behold SPINNER, with our mind's
+eye, "fixing" a bait for one of the lovely young fisherwomen, while half
+a dozen of the others are engaged in fanning him and "Shoo-ing" the
+flies away from his expressive nose. The picture is a very pretty one,
+recalling to mind some brilliant pastoral by WATTEAU. There are numerous
+accessories arranged in the foreground, such as hampers of cold chicken
+pie, hams of the richest pink and yellow hues, and baskets of champagne,
+and it would be interesting to know who pays for all. "Spinning a
+minnow," as the anglers term it, for black bass, is a very appropriate
+pastime for SPINNER, but, for a fresh-water fisherman, there is
+something very Salt Lakey in that arrangement regarding the "female
+Treasury clerks."</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>"LOT" ON A LOT OF PROVERBS.</h2>
+
+<p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: One of my friends, who, much to the disgust of his
+fellow boarders, is constantly playing an adagio movement in B flat upon
+a flute, (that may not be the correct musical term, but no one will ever
+know it unless you tell,) informs me that you are astute; another
+friend, who makes cigar stumps into chewing tobacco, says, you're "up to
+snuff." Assuming the truth of those statements, I apply to you for
+information. You have the ability, have you also the inclination, to aid
+a poor, weary mariner on the voyage of life, (in the steerage,) who has
+been buffeted by reason, tempest-tossed by imagination, becalmed by
+fancy, wrecked by stupidity, (other people's,) and is now whirling
+helplessly in the Maelstrom of conundrums? (If that doesn't touch your
+heart, then has language failed to accomplish the end for which it was
+designed--to deceive others.)</p>
+
+<p>I'm the great American searcher after truth, and, though I've been at
+the bottom of every well, except the Artesian ones, I am still a
+searcher. Can you refuse to throw a straw to a drowning man, or a crumb
+to a starving fellow-creature? Knowing that you have a mammoth heart,
+and abundance of straw, and lots of bread, I feel that you cannot. List!
+oh, list! and I will my caudal appendage unfold.</p>
+
+<p>Is enough as good as a feast, if the former is enough of walloping and
+the latter is composed of pheasant and champagne? (i.e.: Is real pain as
+good as champagne?) TOM ALLEN evidently got enough in his late fight,
+but I'm inclined to think that he would rather strain his jaws at a
+feast than at a fisticuff. The Young Democracy once got enough staying
+out in the cold, but, when some of them were admitted to the feast, they
+did not appear to be at all satisfied, but grabbed at the choicest
+titbits.</p>
+
+<p>Is one bird in the hand worth two in the bush, if the one in the hand is
+the Police Board, and those in the bush are the Supervisorship and the
+Health Board? And suppose you've succeeded in getting your fingers on
+those in the bush, wouldn't you try to make a haul? Why, I can imagine a
+man who might have the Governor's place in hand, and yet consider one
+bird in the bush better, if that bird could sing an old tune called
+White House.</p>
+
+<p>How can it be possible that this world is all a fleeting show? I've
+visited a great many shows, and have found that all of them are
+conducted on the same principle. You pay your money at the door, sit
+undisturbed through the performance, unless some junk-man should take to
+junketing, and get out easily, the proprietor in fact seeming rather
+glad to get rid of you. But when you enter the world, you pay nothing,
+on your way through it you pay constantly, and getting out of it--at the
+present prices of coffins and bombazines--is one of the most expensive
+things on record.</p>
+
+<p>Why mustn't you look a gift horse in the mouth, if you are prudent
+enough to do it on the sly? Besides, don't everybody look in the horse's
+mouth, as soon as the giver has departed? Suppose you're patriotic, and
+offer your son to Uncle SAM as a gift, to use in his civil service,
+isn't Mr. JENCKES's bill designed as a means of looking into your son's
+mouth? Maybe it's to find out if he's a public cribber. What I want to
+know is, does this prohibition apply to donkeys?</p>
+
+<p>What possible connection can there be between doing handsome and being
+handsome? Now there's BROWN, who persuaded me, on or about black Friday,
+to buy his gold at the highest figures, and thus did a very handsome
+thing (for himself), but he is still the ugliest looking man in our
+street.</p>
+
+<p>If it be true, as stated in "The Gates Ajar," that there will be pianos
+in heaven, haven't the men who learned harp-making, on the theory that
+it was a permanent business, been grossly deceived, and haven't they an
+action for damages against somebody, if they can find out who it is?</p>
+
+<p>If all the world's a stage, what are cars? I admit that all Broadway is
+a stage, but is it at all probable that GOV. HOFFMAN vetoed the Arcade
+railroad bill on that account? Besides, if all the world's a stage, why
+should the men who carry passengers care about the duty on steel rails?</p>
+
+<p>Is it true that a man must not laugh at his own jokes? Don't you suppose
+that the man who invented the <i>canard</i> about the Jews in Roumania is
+laughing at the squabble which he has raised between the Associated
+Press and the American Press Association, by means of his little joke?
+And don't you suppose, when the returns of the last election came in,
+that Mr. TWEED laughed very vigorously at his little joke, called the
+new election law? If Congress should keep on joking for the rest of the
+session, and, as a result, the Republican party should be turned out of
+power, don't you suppose that the members will laugh--on the other side
+of their mouths?</p>
+
+<p>There is a certain saying, which everybody retails, about the kind of
+people who tell the truth. Now I always tell the truth. I'm exactly like
+GEORGE WASHINGTON. If I had cut down the cherry tree, and my stern
+parent had appeared upon the scene with a rawhide and asked me who did
+it, I should have instantly replied, the hatchet. But I am not a child.
+Can it be that I am the other thing?</p>
+
+<p>Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, can you do those sums? I have tried them in every
+possible way. I have let X equal the unknown quantity, but I don't know
+Y. If you can solve the problems, will you send me the answers by the
+first post?</p>
+
+<p>Yours,</p>
+
+<p>LOT.</p>
+
+<p>[Our correspondent seems to labor under the impression that we are a
+primary arithmetic, or a dictionary, or a conundrum book. We regret his
+mistake, and can simply say that we are nothing of the sort. Any
+reasonable conundrums, such as, How old is the world? How many
+individuals is Mrs. BRIGHAM YOUNG? What becomes of the Fenian money?
+When will Cuba be free? we would willingly answer, but our correspondent
+cannot expect us to solve problems which are as old as BARNUM said JOYCE
+HETH was. He should be able to see such things as others see them. They
+are the unwritten law, and PUNCHINELLO does not propose to alter them.]</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CONCERNING THE METHODIST BOOK CONCERN.</h2>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<p>  'Tis well enough that GOODENOUGH<br>
+  Dr. LANAHAN should teach,<br>
+  That, sure enough, there's law enough<br>
+  Such slanderers to reach.</p>
+<br>
+<p>  But, like enough, this GOODENOUGH<br>
+  Dr. LANAHAN may impeach,<br>
+  And prove enough that's bad enough
+  To justify his speech.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>UNKIND.</h2>
+
+<p>TOODLES made a solemn vow the other day, in presence of MUGGINS, that he
+"would never shave until he had paid off his debts," but MUGGINS, in
+relating the fact, said simply that "TOODLES had concluded to wear a
+full beard the rest of his life."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</h2>
+
+<h3>Old Mother Hubbard</h3>
+
+<p>GENTLE READER: You have a soul for poetry. Even when an infant, and in
+your cradle, you had a soul for poetry. You were not aware of it at this
+early stage, but your mother--if you had one--was. With what fond
+alacrity did she hasten to your cradle-side, when some wicked little pin
+was trying to insinuate itself into your affections much against your
+inclination, and soothe you with the pleasing strains of Mother Goose.
+And how your eyes brightened and your little feet and hands commenced
+playing tag, when you heard the wonders of Mother Goose extolled in
+pretty verse. Ah! those were the days of romance. I will leave them now,
+to search for the hidden beauties of one of your childhood's melodies,
+the eventful career of Mother HUBBARD and her dog.</p>
+
+<p>I will begin with the opening Canto of the poem, and limit myself, for
+the present, with detailing the beauties of its many incidents.</p>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<h3>CANTO I.</h3>
+
+<p>  Old Mother Hubbard<br>
+  Went to the Cupboard<br>
+  To get her poor dog a bone;<br>
+  When she got there<br>
+  The Cupboard wan bare.<br>
+  And so the poor dog had none!</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<p>Now, Kind Reader, follow closely whilst I display the hidden beauties of
+Canto First. You will notice that the author, who now sleeps with the
+unnumbered dead--a presumption on my part--has no dedication, no
+introduction, no preface. He scorned a dedication, that misnomer for
+gratuitous advertising. He wanted no patron, no Lord or Count somebody
+or other, who might, perhaps, insure the sale of one more copy. No. He
+determined to paddle his own canoe. And he did, you bet.--He wrote no
+preface. What was it to the public how many ancient authors he had
+ransacked to obtain ideas for his poem? What was it to the public how
+many noble minds he had associated with him to help him in his laborious
+work? What would the public care about his intentions to have his book
+in such a form, to appear at such a date, or to be sold for such a
+price? What would be the use of apologizing to the public for his many
+weak points, when he thought that he knew more than they? On the
+contrary, he very naturally determined that if his Poem, wasn't
+readable, it would not be read, and a Preface of ignorance would make
+the matter no better.--He kept clear of the folly of an Introduction-a
+something which a writer gets up just to keep his hand in, perhaps, or
+to tell the reader that <i>he</i> knows all about it!--The empty dishes on
+the banquet-board: no one cares for them.</p>
+
+<p>Our felicitous Author, throwing aside all these traditional
+idiosyncrasies, launches boldly into the billowy sea of his
+idea-scattered brain[A], and in his very first line gives a full,
+concise description of the heroine, Mrs. HUBBARD; and having finished
+her description, enumerates, as was meet, the peculiarities, and, I
+might say, dogmatic tendencies, of the hero of the tail, Herr Dog! [He
+(not H.D., but the Author) says "Old Mother HUBBARD."] Here is
+simplicity for you! Here is brevity! "Old Mother HUBBARD!" How sweetly
+it sounds; how nicely the words fit each other! What an immense range of
+thought he must have who first said "Old Mother HUBBARD." Less gifted
+authors of the present would rejoice exceedingly, could they do
+likewise. Ah!--and a spark of enthusiasm lightens up your countenance,
+[Highfalutin,]--they have no HUBBARD. And if they had they would
+commence with a minute detail of how old she was, how venerable she was,
+what kind of a mother she was, whose mother she was, and all about her
+aunt's family.</p>
+
+<p>Alas! for the fallen state of our Literature, which tells you
+everything, and leaves you nothing to guess at, lest you might not guess
+correctly. Well, as I previously observed, the author says "Old Mother
+HUBBARD." He must have been correct. You know how it is yourself.</p>
+
+<p>This felicitous writer then proceeds, and in the next line gives vent to
+his pent-up feelings thusly: "Went to the Cupboard."  "Went!" What a
+happy expression! How appropriate! Besides, it supplies a deficiency
+which would have occurred had it been left out. "Went!" There's Saxon
+for you. Our happy author, overburdened by his transcendent imagination,
+has not the evil propensity of thrusting upon his reader the mode of how
+she went; but, noble and manly as he was, he leaves it to you and to me
+how she went!</p>
+
+<p>Here is a vast range for your imagination. Give your fancy wings. One
+may think she waddled; another that she rambled. One may say she
+preambulated; another that she pedalated.[B] One may remark that she
+crutchalated; [C] but all must concede that she "went".  Now whither did
+she "went"? Ah! methinks your brain is puzzled. Why, she "went to the
+Cupboard," says our author, who, perhaps, just then took a ten-cent nip.
+She did not go around it, or about it, or upon it, or under it. She did
+not let it come to her, but she went herself to the above-mentioned and
+fore-named Cupboard.</p>
+
+<p>Now, when a woman undertakes to do a thing, she has always a reason for
+her undertaking; argoul, as my friend, the grave-digger, said, the
+heroine of this Epic must have had an object in view. Otherwise, what
+would take her to the Cupboard? She was evidently a strong-minded woman,
+and would not fritter away her valuable time for nothing. To the
+Cupboard she went "to get her poor dog a bone," says the author,
+following out the logical sequence of the plot. The hero of the tail was
+not in the Cupboard. Of course not. The "bone" was there. Ah! but <i>was</i>
+the bone there? The sequel will show.</p>
+
+<p>Just imagine the mild complacency, the unutterable sympathy, the
+affectionate lovingness of the heroine for her hero! And with what
+gentle expression she speaks of him--"her poor dog." Verily, must there
+have been an abyss of kindly feeling in that Old Dame's large heart for
+her poor dog!</p>
+
+<p>But alas! for human care and anxiety. Away ye smiles and hopes.</p>
+
+<p>  "L'homme propose, mais Dieu dispose."[D]</p>
+
+<p>In other words, when she got there, to the Cupboard, and peered into its
+dark recesses, and searched the hidden corners of its many shelves, "the
+Cupboard was bare."</p>
+
+<p>Alack-a-day for Mr. D.! When he saw his kind mistress toddling along to
+the receptacle of many a remnant of many a luxurious feast, he was,
+perchance, filled with affection. Melting tears came to his eyes, and
+poured, like a cataract, down his noble cheeks. Would it do to have his
+loving mistress witness the outburst of his long pent-up feelings? Alas!
+No. He must hide his tears. He tore his tail from the wag which was
+about to seize it, and gently wiped away his tears! Poor fellow! Your
+heart warms towards him, and you stretch out your hands to embrace him,
+or to kiss him for his mother, perhaps. How must the author have felt?
+If there was one grain of compassion in him, he would feel as I do, as
+you do, as we all do, and trust that the loving affection of that poor
+dog would be amply repaid by the promised "bone."</p>
+
+<p>The decrees of Fate are inexorable, however. When she went to the
+Cupboard, the Cupboard was bare; had not even one bare bone, and so that
+poor heroic dog "had none." [Very long O.] I pity him truly, and fain
+would shed tears of grief over his melancholy affliction, if I wasn't so
+awfully warm. For was never dog so disappointed as this dog. "Nev-a-r-e,
+by all-l-l that's h-h-holy-y-y-e-e."[E]</p>
+
+<p>Not wishing to be an unwilling witness to the sad scene which was
+enacted between these two loving creatures on the disappointment of
+their fondest hopes, I will draw the curtain, and leave them, solitary
+and alone--alone with themselves, and with no aching eye to witness
+their grief, to give vent to their heart-bursting anguish.</p>
+
+<p>The author did wisely and well to close the Canto.</p>
+
+<p>Let us have--a rest!</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote A: Original. By GUM.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote B: Copyright for sale for all the States.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote C: Ditto.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote D: This is French--H. D.]</p>
+
+<p>[Footnote E: Quotation from XII T.]</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>STANDARD LITERATURE.</h2>
+
+<p>A writer in the <i>Standard</i>, thinking that the title Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is clumsy on account of its length,
+proposes that it be changed to Animalthropic Society. It is not likely
+that Mr. BERGH, who has some reputation for scholarship, will adopt a
+suggestion in which a bit of Greek is brought in "wrong end foremost,"
+unless, indeed, his well-known partiality for the canine creature might
+induce him to look with favor upon a compound so manifestly of the "dog
+Greek" description.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>QUERY</h2>
+
+<p>Might not the child's new-fangled humming-top, which is advertised to
+dance sixty seconds, be said to dance a minuet?</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>CHEERFUL FOR SHOEMAKERS.</h2>
+
+<p>WESTON'S great Feat.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<img alt="005.jpg (247K)" src="005.jpg" height="675" width="955">
+</center>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>DESULTORY HINTS AND MAXIMS FOR ANGLERS.</h2>
+
+<p>When you see "excellent trouting in a romantic mountain district"
+advertised in the papers, go somewhere else.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving where you have reason to believe trout exist, inquire of
+some rural angler which are the best brooks, and fish exclusively in
+those he runs down.</p>
+
+<p>In making a cast, throw your line as far as you can. The biggest fish
+are usually obtained from the long Reaches.</p>
+
+<p>Never angle under a blistering sun, nor with Spanish flies.</p>
+
+<p>Keep as far as possible from the brook. If the trout see you they will
+connect you with the rod, in which case you will find it difficult to
+connect them with the line.</p>
+
+<p>Many anglers fish up stream, but the surest way to secure a mess of
+trout is with the Current.</p>
+
+<p>Take some agreeable stimulant with you to the water-side. You will find
+it a great assistance when Reeling in.</p>
+
+<p>One of the best places for obtaining the speckled prey is under a
+Waterfall--but you needn't mention this fact to the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>When a brook divides among the trees, angle in the main stream, not in
+the Branches.</p>
+
+<p>In playing a trout under the willows, be very careful, or you may get
+Worsted among the Osiers.</p>
+
+<p>When you land a two-pound trout (which you never will,) double the
+weight, else what's the use of having a Multiplier.</p>
+
+<p>If you wish to take anything heavy you must walk right into the water.
+The regular Sneezers are generally caught in this way.</p>
+
+<p>The experienced angler goes forth expecting nothing, and is rarely
+disappointed.</p>
+
+<p>Superstitious Piscators have great faith in the Heavenly Signs, but
+often fail to find a Sign of a Fish under the fishiest sign of the
+Zodiac.</p>
+
+<p>Avoid water-courses infested with saw-mills. These dammed streams seldom
+contain many trout.</p>
+
+<p>To jerk a fish out of the water with a wire is even more despicable than
+political wire-pulling.</p>
+
+<p>A rod should never consist of more than three sections, and the angler
+should look well to his joints after a wetting, as they are apt to swell
+and stiffen in the Sockets.</p>
+
+<p>Rise early if you would have good sport. Should you feel sleepy
+afterwards, the river has a Bed that you can easily get into.</p>
+
+<p>Catching trout is strictly a summery pleasure, and when indulged in at
+any other season should be visited by Summary punishment.</p>
+
+<p>There are numerous treatises on angling, but in "JOHN BROWN'S Tract" the
+youthful Piscator will find the best of Guides.</p>
+
+<p>It often happens that trout do not begin to bite till late in the day,
+in which case it is advisable to make the most of the <i>commencement de
+la Fin.</i></p>
+
+<p>As the culture of fish is now engaging the attention of philanthropists,
+it is probable that the superior varieties will hereafter be found in
+Schools, where, of course, the Rod will be more profitably employed than
+in Whipping (under present circumstances,) "the complaining brooks that
+keep the meadows green."</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<h2>LOVE IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.</h2>
+<br>
+<p>  Miss SARAH SAGOE'S boarding-house--I recommend her steaks;<br>
+  Two plates of pudding she allows, and--oh! what buckwheat cakes!<br>
+  We're all so very fond of them, (we deprecate the grease,)<br>
+  But we'd a greater fondness for Miss SARAH SAGOE'S niece.</p>
+<br>
+<p>  In heavenly blue her eyes surpassed--the milk; "her teeth were pearl."<br>
+  That's BROWN! Poetic genius, BROWN, (devoted to that girl.)<br>
+  JOE TROTT to flowers took; SAWTELL, and PETERS to croquet;<br>
+  GREEN thrumbed guitar; while as for me, I sighed and pined away.</p>
+<br>
+<p>  Not one but lost his appetite--at no less price for board.<br>
+  Meanwhile this heartless ARABELLE, by all of us adored,<br>
+  Gives out that she's to marry a rich broker from New York;<br>
+  We heard the news at dinner--down dropped each knife and fork.</p>
+<br>
+<p>  We're glad our eyes are open now, though every one's a dupe,<br>
+  'Tis queer we didn't see before how she dipped up the soup;<br>
+  And, now I think it over, I wonder man could wish<br>
+  To win that hand unmerciful that so harpooned the fish.</p>
+<br>
+<p>  "That vulgar girl," as JOE TROTT says, "a helpmeet fine will make"--<br>
+  She never failed to help herself most handsomely to steak;<br>
+  The pudding holds out better now that she is gone away--<br>
+  And it's consolation precious that I've not her board to pay.</p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="006.jpg (246K)" src="006.jpg" height="1018" width="712">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</h2>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+<img alt="007.jpg (96K)" src="007.jpg" height="607" width="396">
+
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+</td><td>
+
+<p>Manager DALY found <i>Frou Frou</i> so popular, that he has given us a second
+dose of M. SARDOU'S Dramatic Mixture, three times stronger than the
+first, and warranted to restore the moral tone of all repentant Pretty
+Waiter Girls. The label borne by the new Mixture is "<i>Fernande</i>," but as
+"CLOTILDE," and not "FERNANDE," is the principal ingredient, the name is
+obviously ill-selected. Though the materials were imported from the
+celebrated Parisian laboratory of M. SARDOU, the Mixture in its present
+form was prepared "<i>in vacuo</i>" by two dramatic chemists of this city,
+and ought properly to bear their name. As compared with <i>Frou Frou</i>, it
+is much more palatable, and far more powerful, and there is no reason to
+suppose that it contains anything deleterious to the moral health of the
+play-goer. An analysis made by order of PUNCHINELLO shows that it
+consists of the following materials, combined in the following
+proportions:</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<p>ACT I.--<i>Scene, a Gambling-House. Enter</i> M. POMMEROL, <i>a benevolent
+lawyer.</i></p>
+
+<p>POMMEROL. "I am a lawyer with an enormous practice. Having nothing
+whatever to do, I came here to find FERNANDE, the pretty waiter girl.
+Here comes my cousin CLOTILDE. She is an angel of virtue and the
+mistress of my friend ANDRE. What can she want here?"</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "My carriage has just run over a young girl, who lives here.
+As the horses trampled upon her for some time, I came to see if she had
+sustained any inconvenience."</p>
+
+<p>POMMEROL. "CLOTILDE, this girl is named FERNANDE. She is as bad as she
+can well be, therefore I implore you to take her home with you and adopt
+her. Will you do it?"</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "Of course I will. Who could refuse such a trifling request!
+But look, here come the people of the house."</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter various gamblers and disreputable women, who conduct themselves
+with appropriate freedom from the restraints of conventionality.</i>
+FERNANDE, <i>who is too lachrymose to be a cheerful feature, is wisely
+placed on guard at the outer door. The company proceed to play at faro,
+the bank being the loser. There is a false alarm of police, and the game
+is suddenly stopped. The Banker, being naturally indignant, attempts to
+relieve his mind by punching</i> FERNANDE's <i>head. Heroic interference by</i>
+POMMEROL, <i>and consequent tableau. Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p>SATIRICAL PERSON, <i>to one of the ushers.</i> "Will you tell me what street
+this house is in?"</p>
+
+<p>USHER. "Twenty-fourth street, sir."</p>
+
+<p>SATIRICAL PERSON. "All right. You see I came up in a University Place
+car, and I was beginning to think, after having seen that last scene,
+that I had made a mistake, and gone down town instead of up town."</p>
+
+<p>RESPECTABLE LADY, <i>to female friend.</i> "Isn't it shockingly improper! But
+then it is so interesting, and it is really one's duty to know how those
+creatures conduct themselves when they are at home."</p>
+
+<p>ACT II.--<i>Scene,</i> CLOTILDE's <i>Garden.</i> CLOTILDE <i>soliloquizes as
+follows:</i></p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "I have adopted FERNANDE and shall call her MARGUERITE. ANDRE
+has deceived me, and I will test his love at once." (<i>Enter</i> ANDRE.)</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "ANDRE, I think we have made a mistake in fancying ourselves
+in love. Would you like to leave me?"</p>
+
+<p>ANDRE. "My dearest friend, I really think I should. You see I have just
+fallen in love with an innocent little angel. By Jove! there she is.
+Tell me her name."</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "That is MARGUERITE, a protegé of mine. You shall marry her.
+Go and make love to her." (<i>He goes.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "The base wretch deserts me. I will proceed to become a
+tigress. I will marry him to FERNANDE, and then tell him what a base
+wretch she is. We'll see how he will like that. He thinks her innocent!
+Ha! ha! (<i>Aside.</i>--On reflection she is innocent according to this
+version of the play; but SARDOU told the truth about her, and I will act
+on the supposition that she is a wretch.) That will be a fit revenge,
+and I can't do better than rave about it for a while." (<i>Raves
+accordingly until the curtain falls.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>COLD-BLOODED CRITIC. "I have never seen a finer piece of acting than
+that of Miss MORANT in the last scene. But then her revenge becomes
+absurd when you reflect that FERNANDE is just what ANDRE fancies her, an
+innocent girl. That is a fair specimen of the way in which American
+writers adapt French plays. They sacrifice probability to prudery."</p>
+
+<p>FASHIONABLE LADY. "How sweetly penitent FERNANDE looks in her black
+dress. I hope she will be innocent enough to wear white in the next act.
+One shouldn't give way to repentance or grief for too long a time. Now
+when my husband died I was in the deepest grief for six months, and then
+slipped into half mourning so gradually that no one noticed the change."</p>
+
+<p>ACT III. FERNANDE <i>and</i> CLOTILDE <i>are discovered discussing the question
+of</i> FERNANDE's <i>wedding outfit.</i></p>
+
+<p>FERNANDE. "But does ANDRE know how naughty I behaved when I was an
+innocent girl in a gambling-house?"</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "He does, my dear, but you mustn't speak of it to him,"</p>
+
+<p>FERNANDE. "I will write to him then, and confess all. There isn't
+anything to confess, but still I am determined to confess it."</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "Write if you choose. (<i>Aside.</i> I will put the letter in a
+lamp-post box, so that he will never get it. On second thought I will
+keep it. Some day I might want to use it.")</p>
+
+<p>FERNANDE <i>writes the letter and</i> CLOTILDE <i>confiscates it.</i> ANDRE,
+POMMEROL <i>and a variety of people come and go and talk of a variety of
+things. Finally</i> FERNANDE <i>and</i> ANDRE <i>are led out to marriage, and the
+dread ceremony is perpetrated. Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p>The fourth act opens with a pleasant family party at the house of the
+newly married couple. The company play at that singular game of cards so
+popular on the stage, in which everybody plays out of turn, and nobody
+ever takes a trick. Finally they all go to bed except ANDRE, who goes to
+sleep in his chair, as is doubtless the custom with newly-married
+Frenchmen. Presently CLOTILDE enters through a secret door and wakes him
+up.</p>
+
+<p>ANDRE. "My dear CLOTILDE, you really mustn't. Think what my wife would
+say. So innocent an angel would suspect there was something wrong in
+your visiting me at midnight."</p>
+
+<p>CLOTILDE. "Base villain, you have deserted me. Now I am revenged. Your
+wife was once a pretty waiter-girl and her name is FERNANDE. Call her
+and ask her if I speak the truth." (<i>He calls her.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>ANDRE. "Is your name FERNANDE? Ah, I see by the disorder of your back
+hair that CLOTILDE's story is too true. Wretched girl, why did you not
+tell me all before I married you?"</p>
+
+<p>FERNANDE. "Spare me. I was a pretty waiter-girl, but I wrote you a
+letter and confessed my innocence."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>She faints on a worsted ottoman, while her husband raves like an</i>
+OTTOMAN <i>who has been worsted in a difficulty with an intruder into his
+harem.) Enter</i> POMMEROL.</p>
+
+<p>POMMEROL. "She speaks the truth. Here is her written confession. I took
+it out of CLOTILDE's pocket. I will read it." (<i>Reads it.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>FERNANDE. "You hear it? I confessed all my innocence. If you did not get
+it, blame the post-office authorities, but do not throw the poker at
+me."</p>
+
+<p>ANDRE. "FERNANDE! My love! My wife! Come back, and I will forgive your
+innocence!" (<i>Tableau.</i>) <i>Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p>RESPECTABLE MATRON. "Well, I will say that of all indecent plays this is
+the worst. It isn't half as nice as that pretty <i>Frou-Frou</i>. The idea of
+that miserable ANDRE forgiving such a hussy as his wife!"</p>
+
+<p>From which virtuous and venomous opinion the undersigned begs to differ.
+The play is simply superb, in spite of the faults of the translation. It
+is shocking only to the most prurient of prudes; and in point of
+morality is infinitely better than <i>Frou-Frou</i>. And then it is played as
+it ought to be. Miss MORANT is magnificent, Mr. LEWIS is immensely
+funny, and Messrs. CLARKE and HASKINS are equal to whatever is required
+of them. If <i>Frou-Frou</i> ran a hundred nights, <i>Fernande</i> ought to run
+five hundred. And that it may is the sincere hope of</p>
+
+<p>MATADOR.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>A NEW MUSICAL SENSATION.</h2>
+
+<p>It is stated that the Oneida Indians have organized a cornet band. This
+new combination of Copper and brass will doubtless have a very pleasing
+effect.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>THE WATERING PLACES.</h2>
+
+<h3>PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.</h3>
+
+<p>Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought
+DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his
+mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in
+England, it is safe to say that it is low there.</p>
+
+<p>Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went
+straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was
+amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union."
+But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to
+reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to
+his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't
+help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work
+on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As
+soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they
+might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of
+vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take
+one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so
+much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure,
+but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who,
+you know, is expected here daily."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course,
+keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum
+will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of
+the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good
+year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the
+seventh story of the right-hand tower.</p>
+
+<p>Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went
+to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon
+experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he
+tried a new one--the "Geyser."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young
+lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily
+hands--the boy might dip it up, but she <i>must</i> hand it to him--and she
+had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came
+back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he
+merely remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to
+consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of
+Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of
+Strontia.</p>
+
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<img alt="008a.jpg (48K)" src="008a.jpg" height="598" width="299">
+
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+</td><td>
+
+<p>At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon.
+For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she
+was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was
+EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER.
+Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when
+she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always
+see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry
+at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow
+partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed,
+that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he
+had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows.</p>
+
+<p>He never saw that Pole.</p>
+
+<p>After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it
+was of no use to think. There is a <i>something</i> about Mr.
+PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out
+buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The
+horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by
+"Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a
+"two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a
+musician would have considered his style entirely too <i>forte</i>. They had
+not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel
+his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was
+delighted.</p>
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's
+nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the <i>Revolution</i>,
+now that TILTON is putting live people there."</p>
+
+<p>"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if
+this confounded horse don't slack up."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.</p>
+
+<p>"I mean we shall upset," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you
+better pull on the left string?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.</p>
+
+<p>"But <i>I</i> think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are
+naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be
+as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and
+beginning to make a little impression upon it.</p>
+
+<p>"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I
+know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession
+and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the
+left rein.</p>
+
+<p>It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards
+evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to
+the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.</p>
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="008b.jpg (62K)" src="008b.jpg" height="361" width="522">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new
+conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save
+his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus
+puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered
+the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.</p>
+
+<p>"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one
+of Mr. P.'s <i>Partagas</i>. "I want you to do something for me."</p>
+
+<p>"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the
+commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in
+my place for a while."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in
+the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a
+committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last
+year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the
+deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon
+as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a
+sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business
+is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more
+about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."</p>
+
+<p>"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid
+for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and
+some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away
+the greater part Mr. P.'s <i>Partaga</i>.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="009.jpg (131K)" src="009.jpg" height="516" width="693">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<p>The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S.
+5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal
+and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly
+gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.</p>
+
+<p>When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the
+Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and
+pearls.</p>
+
+<p>Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left
+the next day.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</h2>
+
+<h3>ORDER, PACHYDERMATA.--THE RHINOCEROS.</h3>
+
+<p>There are several species of the Rhinoceros, some of which have one
+horn, like a Unicorn, others two, like a Dilemma. All the varieties are
+as strictly vegetarian as the late SYLVESTER GRAHAM, but their fondness
+for a botanic diet may be ascribed to instinct, rather than reflection,
+as they are not ruminating animals. The most formidable of the tribe is
+the Black Rhinoceros of Equatorial Africa, which is particularly
+dangerous when it turns to Bay. Though dull of eye and ear, this
+ponderous beast will follow a scent with wonderful tenacity, and the
+promptness with which it makes its tremendous charges has earned for it,
+among European hunters, the sobriquet of the "Ready Rhino." The fact
+that the Black Rhinoceros is armed with two horns, while most of the
+white species have but one, may perhaps account for the greater
+viciousness of the former--it being generally admitted that the most
+ferocious of all known monsters are those which have been furnished with
+a plurality of horns. This is the position taken by the famous New
+England naturalist, NEAL DOW, in his dissertations on that destructive
+Eastern pachyderm, the Striped Pig, and it seems to be fully borne out
+by the history of the great Scriptural Decicorn, as given by the
+inspired Zoologist, ST. JOHN.</p>
+
+<p>We learn from Sir SAMUEL BAKER and other Nimrods of the Ramrod who have
+hunted up the Nile, that herds of the Black Rhinoceros are pretty
+thickly sprinkled throughout the whole extent of the Nilotic basin, and
+especially near the great watershed which forms the primary source of
+the mysterious river. The natives of that region universally regard the
+creature as a Rum customer, and not having the requisite Spirit to face
+it boldly, they set Gins under the Tope trees, at the places where it
+comes to drink, and thus effect its destruction.</p>
+
+<p>As the Rhinoceros, whatever its species, seeks the densest covert, and
+its hide is almost impenetrable, it is a difficult animal to bag. Its
+peltry being of about the same consistency and thickness as the
+vulcanized India Rubber used in cushioning billiard tables, balls often
+rebound from it without producing a score. This difficulty may, however,
+be obviated--according to Sir SAMUEL BAKER--by firing half-pound shells
+from the shoulder, with a rifle of proportionate size, and if the
+Sporting Bulletins of that enterprising traveller are not shots with the
+long bow, he carried the war into Africa to some purpose, not
+unfrequently bagging his Baker's dozen of Rhinoceroses in the course of
+forty-eight hours. The African and the Asiatic species bear a general
+resemblance to each other, although probably, if placed side by side,
+points of difference would be observed between them.</p>
+
+<p>It is a disputed question among Biblical commentators whether the
+Rhinoceros or the Hippopotamus is the Behemoth of Scripture, but as the
+Rhinoceros feeds on furze and the Hippopotamus does not, it would seem
+that the terminal syllable "moth" more properly applies to the latter.
+As numerous fossil remains of the animal have been found from time to
+time in the Rhenish provinces of Germany, it is supposed by some
+archaeologists that prior to the Noachian Deluge its principal habitat
+was the Valley of the Rhine, where it was known as the Rhine-horse. The
+"horse," it is alleged, was subsequently corrupted into "hoss,"
+whereupon the lexicographers, uncertain which of the two renderings was
+the true one, called it in their vocabularies the "Rhine horse or hoss,"
+and thence the present still more senseless corruption, "Rhinoceros."
+This is, of course, mere theory, but it is supported by the well
+authenticated parallel case of the Nylghau--more properly Nile
+Ghaut--which derived its name from the singular fact that it was never
+seen by any human being in the neighborhood of the Ghauts of the Nile.
+Although the Nile has such a fishy reputation that stories from that
+source are generally taken <i>cum grano salis</i>, or profanely characterised
+(see Cicero) as "<i>Nihil Tam incredible</i>," the above statement in
+relation to the Nylghau will not be seriously disputed by any well
+informed naturalist.</p>
+
+<p>The general aspect of the Rhinoceros is that of a hog in armor on a
+grand scale. The males of the genus are called bulls, but they are more
+like boars, with the tusk inverted and transferred by Rhino-plastic
+process to the nose. When enraged, the animal exalts its horn and
+trumpets like a locomotive, whereupon it is advisable to give it the
+right of way, as to face the music would be dangerous.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+<h2>SIC SEMPER E PLURIBUS, ETC.</h2>
+<br>
+<p>  Oh, Star-spangled Banner! once emblem of glory,<br>
+    And guardian of freedom and justice and law,<br>
+  How bright in the annals of war was thy story!<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  Time was when the nations beheld thee and trembled,<br>
+    Though now they assure us they don't care a straw<br>
+  For wrath which they say is but poorly dissembled;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  They <i>know</i> our best ships are dismantled or rotten,<br>
+    <i>We</i> know that they'll soon be abolished by law,<br>
+  And FARRAGUT'S triumphs are nearly forgotten;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  The soldiers whose best days were spent in our service--<br>
+    Whose manhood we claimed as our right by the law,<br>
+  As paupers must die, since their cost would unnerve us;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  We look for respect in the eyes of the nations,<br>
+    And man our defences with soldiers of straw,<br>
+  To save for vile uses their pay and their rations;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  With armies reduced, and the ghost of a navy,<br>
+    Of course we must trust to our ancient <i>éclat</i>;<br>
+  Economy now is the cry, we must save a<br>
+    Few millions for thieves to steal--<i>unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  "<i>Sun</i>" DANA may bluster as much as he pleases--<br>
+    Our friend, Mr. FISH, is sustained by the law,<br>
+  And old Mr. BENNETT just bellows to tease us;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  There's LOGAN, who once had the heart of a hero--<br>
+    Alas! that same heart is now only a craw,<br>
+  And its vigor has sunk away down below Zero;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  His action has sadden'd the hearts of more freemen<br>
+    Than fought under GRANT in defence of the law;<br>
+  Well--well--never mind--we can boast of our women;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+<br>
+<p>  The people may some day awake to the notion<br>
+    That statesmen can tamper too much with the law,<br>
+  And send them to regions less genial than Goshen;<br>
+    <i>Sic semper e pluribus unum go bragh!</i></p>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="010.jpg (163K)" src="010.jpg" height="651" width="667">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>ON CATS.</h2>
+
+<p>Some cats are black, some brown, some white, some "arf and arf."</p>
+
+<p>Some cats are gentle, and require a good deal of pinching and
+"worriting" to bring them to the scratch, like some persons, who require
+to get their dander up before they'll show fight.</p>
+
+<p>Other cats, however, are very vicious. These, from their spitting
+proclivities, might be called Spitfires. I dare say this regards black
+cats most, whose backs, when rubbed in the dark, are seen to emit
+<i>sparks</i>.</p>
+
+<p>A cat that is good at the spitting business, and well up in the trade,
+can do a smart thing or two in the defensive line--as when confronted by
+a dog, for instance. If the feline can only keep up a vigorous and well
+directed spitting, the canine is almost sure to retreat, with his tail
+between his legs, (if it is not too short to get there.)</p>
+
+<p>Cats are generally considered rat and mouse destroyers. I dare say they
+are, though the two I once kept (I drowned them in the cistern) were
+more notorious as crockery destroyers than anything else. I thought, on
+the whole, that they exterminated more raw beef than rats and mice, so I
+consigned them to a watery grave.</p>
+
+<p>It was a good thing for WHITTINGTON that there are such things as mice,
+and cats (if they are not too fat) to destroy them. His cat was truly
+worth its weight in gold to him. Such a cat should have been embalmed
+for the benefit of posterity. It must have been a noble sight to see the
+feline banquetting on the dainty joints of the <i>mus</i> in the Fejee
+palace, and WHITTINGTON getting a bag of gold for each victim his
+follower devoured. Honor to WHITTINGTON and his Cat!</p>
+
+<p>Cats are very fond of birds--when they can get 'em, "otherwise not." To
+see a cat watching a bird, you would think there was some magnetic
+attraction in the love line between them. There may be, <i>before hand</i>.
+But let the cat once touch its sought-for, and I assure you there is no
+love lost. By some accident or other, the little birdie goes down
+Grimalkin's throat.</p>
+
+<p>A cat has nine lives, we are told; something like old METHUSELAH, who,
+they declare, got so tired of living that he had to die to get some
+relief. I know some ladies who would like to borrow a life or two from
+the cat, especially those on the wrong side of the line, as regards
+thirty. Owing to the nine lives, a cat may be jerked about pretty
+promiscuously from third story windows, <i>et cetera</i>. They have a knack
+of falling on their feet, which a good many BLONDINS would like to
+have--especially when a rope breaks, and when they "a kind of" forget
+that "Pride must have a fall."</p>
+
+<p>Such are a few remarks on Cats of every description. As this ain't a
+Prize Essay, I don't give the different species, which are as numerous
+as the hairs of my head, and these are now pretty numerous, as I am not
+particular about cutting them.</p>
+
+<p>BILL BISCAY.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>"DY(E)ING AND SCOURING DONE HERE."</h2>
+
+<p>A Correspondent of one of the daily papers, writing from Athens, on the
+subject of the brigandage outrages lately perpetrated in Greece, says
+that "the Kingdom is scoured by soldiers."</p>
+
+<p>That's right. It has long been a very dirty little Kingdom, and a good
+scouring by soldiers is the only thing to obliterate the numerous Greece
+spots with which it has been tarnished.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.</h2>
+
+<p>The attention of the New York daily newspapers is called to the fact
+that the mosquitoes down in Maine this season are uncommonly large and
+extremely numerous. Now, it is well known that fleas can be trained to
+do (upon a small scale) many things usually done by human beings; and
+why may not the very largest of the mosquitoes be educated to manage the
+daily newspapers? How beautifully would they buzz! how venomously would
+they bite! how remorselessly would POTT, (of <i>The Independent</i>,) let
+loose his insect champions upon SLURK, of <i>The Gazette</i>!</p>
+
+<p>P. S. Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs leave to observe that no allusion is here
+intended to Mr. TILTON'S <i>Independent</i>, which is extremely well supplied
+with mosquitoes already.</p>
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+<h2>OUR PORTFOLIO.</h2>
+
+<p>One of the most heart-rending elopements on record is that of MORDECAI
+SKAGGS, an Indianian by birth, but a Chicagoan by adoption, who left a
+legitimate spouse at Owen, Spencer County, Indiana, and fled with a
+beautiful "affinity" toward the "Lake City." The deserted wife, like a
+pursuing Nemesis, "went for him." She tracked him from stage to stage of
+his journey, and finally overtook the fugitive, but not before he had
+"consummated marriage a second time."</p>
+
+<p>When found, she did not pause "to make a note" of MORDECAI, but seized
+him by the beard, very much as OTHELLO did the "uncircumcised Jew;" yet,
+not caring to slay him outright, she exploded a pitcher of ice-water
+upon his heated brow, and while still clasping his dishevelled locks
+pelted the supposed guilty partner of his flight with the fragments of
+the broken vessel. But the chief shock of this disaster, to the
+unfortunate SKAGGS, occurred in the interval of a brief cessation of
+hostilities, when the enraged wife demanded to know of the other woman
+why she had thus outraged the sanctity of her domestic altars, and the
+"other woman" explained that the too seductive SKAGGS had represented
+himself as a single man. Thereupon the two joined forces, and set upon
+MORDECAI; pulling his hair out by the roots; scarifying his manly phiz
+with their delicate claws; and so marring and disfiguring this
+"double-breasted" deceiver that not even the penetration of the maternal
+eye could discover in that battered carcass the once familiar lineaments
+of a beloved son.</p>
+
+<p>The thought suggested to PUNCHINELLO by this catastrophe is whether we
+may not safely leave the iniquity of Western divorce law to work out its
+own salvation, when it provokes the use of such weapons, and makes it
+possible for the penalty to follow so closely upon the heels of crime.</p>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="011.jpg (252K)" src="011.jpg" height="1132" width="763">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="012.jpg (224K)" src="012.jpg" height="1133" width="780">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<br><br><hr><br><br>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1,  No. 15, July 9,
+1870, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1,  NO. 15 ***
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+</pre>
+
+			 </body>
+			 </html>
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