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diff --git a/old/11169-h/11169-h.htm b/old/11169-h/11169-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8b00dc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11169-h/11169-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2173 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st November 2003), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<title>Punch, 15th August 1917.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft, + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img, + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p, + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Aug 15, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Aug 15, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 19, 2004 [EBook #11169] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 153.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>AUGUST 15th, 1917.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg +107]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>"In the heroic days of 1914," says Count REVENTLOW, "God gave us +our daily bread and our daily victory." We feel sure that, as +regards the provision of victories, some recognition ought to be +made of the able assistance of the WOLFF Bureau.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We read with some surprise that, in the motor collision in which +he participated recently, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S car <i>was run +into</i> by another coming in the opposite direction. This is not +the Antwerp spirit that the Munitions Department is waiting +for.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A movement is on foot for the presentation of a suitable +testimonial to the people of Dundee for returning Mr. CHURCHILL to +Parliament, after being distinctly requested not to do so by a +certain morning paper.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What shall we do with the Allotment Harvest?" asks <i>The +Evening News</i>. It seems only too probable that, unless a +national effort is made to preserve them, some of the world's +noblest vegetables will have to be eaten.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Just as a soldier gives his valour or a captain of industry his +talent," said Lord CURZON, speaking on the sale of titles, "so a +wealthy man gives his wealth, which is very often his only asset, +for the benefit of his country." Nothing like a delicate compliment +or two to encourage him in the good work.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lively correspondence has been filling the columns of a +contemporary under the heading, "The Facts about Bacon." The +discussion seems to have turned upon the famous line, "There's +something rotten from the state of Denmark."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sixpenny paper notes are now being issued in various parts of +Germany. If you can't find anything to buy with them you can use +them to patch the new paper trousers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Judging by his recent speech, Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has lost +heart and found a liver.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a recent inquest it was stated that a doctor had prepared a +death certificate while deceased was still alive. The subsequent +correct behaviour of the patient is regarded as a distinct feather +in the medical profession's cap.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A nephew of Field-Marshal VON HINDENBUBG has just joined the +United States Navy, but the rumour that upon hearing this +HINDENBURG tried to look severe is of course an impossible +story.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The sum of sixty pounds has been taken from the Ransom Lane Post +Office, Hull, and burglars are reminded that withdrawals of money +from the Post Office cannot in future be allowed unless application +is first made on the prescribed form.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Baron SONNINO, the Italian Minister for Foreign Affairs, was +accorded a truly British welcome on his arrival in this country. It +rained all day.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It appears from a weekly paper that the KAISER is fond of nice +quiet amusement. If this is so we cannot understand his refusal to +have a Reichstag run on lines similar to the British +Parliament.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sir EDWARD CARSON'S physical recreations, says <i>The Daily +Mail</i>, are officially stated to be riding, golf and cycling. +Unofficially, we believe, he has occasionally done some +drilling.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a recent pacifist meeting in Bristol Councillor THOMPSON +declared that he was with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the South African +War, but was against him in the present campaign. The authorities +are doing their best to keep the news from the PREMIER.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man at Tottenham has been fined five pounds for feeding a +horse with bread. We understand that action was taken on the +initiative of the R.S.P.C.A.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The German Government is doing everything possible to curry +favour with its people. It has now commandeered all stocks of +soap.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Bermondsey house of amusement has organised a competition, in +which the competitors have to eat a pudding with their hands tied. +This of course is a great improvement on the modern and more +difficult game of trying to eat a lump of sugar in a restaurant +with full use of the hands, and even legs.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An official notice in the British Museum Library states that +readers will incur little risk during air raids, "except from a +bomb that bursts in the room." It is the ability to think out +things like this which raises the official mind so high above the +ordinary.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The German Government, says the <i>Gazette de Lausanne</i>, is +establishing a regular business base in Berne. We have no illusions +as to the base business that will be conducted from it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"When a German travels round the world," said Dr. MICHAELIS in a +lecture delivered twenty-five years ago, "he cannot help being +terribly envious of England." Funnily enough he is as envious as +ever, even though the opportunities for travel are no longer +available.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When the Folkestone raid syren goes off, a man told the Dover +Council, it blows your hat off. On the other hand if it doesn't go +off you may not have anywhere to wear a hat, so what are you to +do?</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Willesden allotment-holders are complaining of a shortage of +male blooms on their vegetable-marrow plants. This is the first +intimation we have had of the calling-up of this class.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/107.png"><img width="100%" src="images/107.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p>"NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE SIGNIFY +THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page108" name="page108"></a>[pg +108]</span> +<h2>THRILLS FROM THE TERMINI.</h2> +<p>Mr. Punch, following the example of his daily contemporaries, +despatched a representative to some of the great London termini to +note the August exodus from town. The following thrilling report is +to hand:—</p> +<p>At Waterton and Paddingloo great crowds continued to board the +limited number of West-bound and South-west-bound trains. On being +asked why they were leaving town, those of the travellers who +answered at all said it was the regular time for their annual +holiday and they wanted a change. They were mostly a jolly hearty +lot, happily confident that at some time in the course of the next +forty-eight hours they would be deposited in some part of the West +or South-west of England. Those fortunate persons who had secured +seats were sitting down, those who were unable to get seats were +standing, and, in spite of the congested state of the carriages and +corridors, almost all were smiling, the exceptions being those +highly-strung and excitable passengers who had come to blows over +corner seats and windows up or down. Many of the travellers carried +baskets of food. Your representative, anxious to report on the +quality and quantity of the provisions carried, ventured to peep +into one of the baskets, and was in consequence involved in a +rather unpleasant affair, being actually accused of having +abstracted a sandwich!</p> +<p>The engine-driver, questioned as to whether he liked having +passengers on the engine and whether he considered it safe for +them, was understood to say that so long as they didn't get in his +way it didn't matter to him, and as to its being safe for them, he +jolly well didn't care whether it was safe for them or not. The +guard, detained by the sleeve by your representative, who inquired +how he felt about being almost crowded out of his brake by +passengers, drew away his sleeve with some violence and his answer +was quite unworthy to be reported. An elderly but strongly-built +porter, with the luggage of fourteen families on his truck, and the +fourteen families surrounding him and all talking at once, was +approached by your representative for a little quiet chat, but he +became so threatening that it was thought advisable to leave him +alone.</p> +<p>At Ticvoria Station your representative found a seething mob +intent on getting to those ever popular and already much +overcrowded South-coast resorts, Paradeville, Shingleton-on-Sea, +Promenade Bay, etc. The eleven-o'clock "Paradeville fast," due to +start in half-an-hour, was at No. 20 platform. All sitting and +standing room had been occupied for some hours, and the passengers +were enjoying the sport of seeing the later arrivals running the +whole length of the train and back again in the mad hope of finding +places. Your representative managed to get a word with some of +these later arrivals, and asked them how they liked running up and +down, and whether they were much disappointed at not finding room; +but the answers were mostly unsatisfactory and in some cases +uncivil. The booking-clerk, questioned as to the phraseology +employed by August holiday folk in asking for their tickets, +whether it is "Third return, please," or "Third return," or "Third +return and look sharp," showed by his answer that the expression +"please" is falling into desuetude on these occasions, his exact +words being "There's precious little 'please' knocking about, and +anyone who has the cheek to tell me to 'look sharp' is jolly well +kept waiting till the last!" Your representative, wishing to report +at first-hand the experience of those who were travelling thirty in +a compartment meant to accommodate ten in the "Paradeville fast," +tried to get in and make a thirty-first, explaining that it was +only for a minute and was with the object of getting local colour, +but was forcibly expelled, and, falling on the platform and +sustaining some slight contusions, decided to cease reporting on +August scenes at the great termini for that day.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg +109]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/109.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>THE NEW LOAF.</h3> +MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LUCKY RHONDDA! BUT I TAUGHT HIM THOSE +NUMBERS." +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>TWO DUMB WARRIORS.</h2> +<h4>I.—HYLDEBRAND.</h4> +<p>When the Heatherdale Hussars received a two-hours' notice to +"trek" they, of course, dumped their mascot, Hyldebrand, a +six-months-old wild boar, at the Town Major's. They would have done +the same with a baby or a full-grown hippopotamus. The harassed +T.M. discovered Hyldebrand in the next stable to his slightly +hysterical horse the morning after the H.H. had evacuated, and +informed me (his village Sanitary Inspector) that "as I was fond of +animals" (he had seen me distributing fly-traps and painting +horse-trough notice-boards) I was henceforth in sole command of +Hyldebrand until such time as his owners should reclaim him. A +grant of five sous <i>per diem</i> had been left for the piglette's +maintenance.</p> +<p>I took charge of Hyldebrand, provided an old dog-kennel for his +shelter, an older dog-collar for his adornment and six yards of +"flex" for his restraint. I further appointed the runner—a +youth from Huddersfield, nicknamed "Isinglass," in playful +sarcastic comment on his speed—second in command. He was to +feed, groom and exercise Hyldebrand. I would inspect Hyldebrand +twice a week.</p> +<p>Hyldebrand rose fast in village popularity. One forgot that his +parents had been shot for cattle maiming, body snatching, breaking +into granaries and defying the gendarmerie on the public roads. But +Hyldy was all docility. He ate his way through the grant, the +office stationery, and the central tin dump with the most disarming +<i>naïvété</i>. He was the spoilt darling of +every mess. The reflected glory which Isinglass and myself enjoyed +was positively embarrassing.</p> +<p>But as the summer advanced so did Hyldebrand. He became (to +quote his keeper) a "battle pig," with the head of a pantomime +dragon, fore-quarters of a bison, the hind-legs of a deer and a +back like an heraldic scrubbing-brush. In March I had inspected him +as he sat upon my knee. In June I shook hands with him as he +strained at his tether. In mid-September we nodded to each other +from opposite sides of a barbed wire fence. Yet Isinglass retained +the most complete mastery of his ferocious-looking +protégé, and beneath his skilful massage Hyldebrand +would throw himself upon the ground and guggle in a porcine +ecstacy.</p> +<p>One sunny afternoon, when there had come upon the little village +street the inevitable hush which preceded Hyldebrand's hour for +exercise, I espied the village cripple making for his home with the +celerity of an A 1 man. He glared reproachfully at me, and, with an +exclamation of "<i>Sacré sanglier!</i>" vanished in the open +doorway of the local boulangerie, that being nearer than his +cottage. Then came Hyldebrand, froth on his snout and murder in his +little eyes, and after him Isinglass more than living up to his +equine namesake. I joined him, and, following Hyldy in a cloud of +dust, the runner informed me between gasps that it was "along of +burning his snout-raking for a bully-beef tin in the +insinuator."</p> +<p>A band outside B Mess was nearing the climax of GRIEG'S "Peer +Gynt" suite. Hyldebrand just failed to perpetrate the time-worn gag +of jumping through the big drum, but he contrived to make that +final crashing chord sound like the last sneeze of a giant dying of +hay-fever. The rest the crowd saw through a film of dust. +Hyldebrand headed for the turning by the school, reached it as the +gates opened to release young France, and comedy would have turned +to tragedy but for the point duty M.P. and his revolver.</p> +<p>There was a note and a parcel for <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page111" name="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> me a day or so after. +The note, which was addressed to and had been opened by the T.M., +stated that Hyldebrand was being sent for by the Heatherdale +Hussars on the morrow. Outside the parcel was scrawled, above the +initials of the G.H.Q. officers' cook, a friend of mine, "It's top +hole—try it with a drop of sauce." Inside was a cold pork +chop!</p> +<h4>II.—ERMYNTRUDE.</h4> +<p>It so happened in a quiet part of the line that men were scarce +and work abundant, so it was decided to use mules to carry the +rations further than usual. All went well until one night when +friend Fritz changed his habits and put some assorted fireworks +rather near the mules.</p> +<p>Now the transport, being human and moreover unaccustomed to +fireworks, disliked this entertainment. Therefore they sought what +shelter they could. In a few minutes the Hun repented, but no mules +and no rations could the transport see. Moreover it began to rain. +So back they went and spoke at great length of the hundreds of +seventeen-inch which had blown up all the mules.</p> +<p>The morning began to come and a machine-gun subaltern, looking +at a black East in search of daylight, so that he might say, "It is +now light; I may go to bed," was somewhat startled. "For," he said, +"I have received shocks as the result of too much whisky of old, +but from a split tea and chloride of lime—no! It must be the +pork and beans." However, he collected eight puzzled but peaceful +mules and handed them to a still more bewildered adjutant, who knew +not if they were "trench stores" or "articles to be returned to +salvage."</p> +<p>In the meanwhile the Transport Officer was making inquiries, and +he recovered the eight mules. "All," he said, "are back, except +Ermyntrude. I grieve for Ermyntrude, but still more for my driver's +fate."</p> +<p>Where Ermyntrude spent the day no one knows. All that is known +is of her conduct the next night. About eleven o'clock she stepped +on a shelter, and, being a heavy mule, came into the trench +abruptly. This worried but did not hurt her, and she proceeded down +the trench at a steady trot, bumping into the traverses. She met a +ration party, and for the first time in their lives they took +refuge over the top, for Ermyntrude was angry.</p> +<p>Ermyntrude reached the end of the trench and somehow got out, +heading, by chance, for Germany. That was her undoing. In a minute +or so three machine-guns began firing, bombs and rifle shots were +heard, and Verey lights innumerable flared. We never saw Ermyntrude +again. But we heard of her—or rather we read of her—for +the German official report wrote her epitaph, thus: "Near the +village of —— hostile raiding detachments were repulsed +by our machine-gun fire."</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<i>Monica (Taken in to See Her Mother and Her New Sister, Who is +Fretful—to Nurse)</i>. "TAKE HER AWAY AND BRING ONE THAT +DOESN'T CRY." +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>MOTTO FOR ALLOTMENT-HOLDERS.</h3> +<center>"LET US SPRAY."</center><br /> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"We welcome back to a position he once filled so well, +the Rev. ——, who is taking on the pork of the parish +for the duration of the war."—<i>Bath and Wilts +Chronicle</i>.</blockquote> +<p>We trust it will agree with him.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"WANTED, a Very Plain Girl, very good references and +photo asked, to care for three children and do +housework."—<i>Morning Paper</i>.</blockquote> +<p>You can almost see the green-eyed monster lurking in the +background.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name="page112"></a>[pg +112]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Soulful Soldier (carried away by red sunset).</i> "BY JOVE! +LOOK AT THAT! ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?"</p> +<p><i>His Tent Mate.</i> "YUS. ANOTHER MUCKIN' 'OT DAY +TO-MORRER."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> +<h5>LXIV.</h5> +<blockquote>MY DEAR CHARLES,—Since I last wrote to you I have +enjoyed seeing again an officer with whom I had many curious +dealings in the past, and who, if half the facts he divulges about +himself were true, would certainly be the wickedest Colonel in the +B.E.F., notwithstanding that he fought busily in the early stages +and had the best part of himself knocked out in so doing. He has +performed many strange duties since, and the steps he took to +qualify for one of them will, I think, illustrate for you his +wickedness. It has been found, on experience, that modesty is out +of place when you are being called upon to state your +qualifications for a post. The knowing, upon being asked if they +possess certain attributes, reply in an immediate affirmative and +add others, just to be on the safe side. It is felt that what is +really required in this War is thrust and ingenuity, things which +adequately make up for the absence of any specialist knowledge. +Accordingly my friend found himself described as possessing, among +other things, "French, fluent." It was not until he was informed +that the Official Interpreter would like to hear a little of this +that he looked more closely into the matter and discovered that he +knew no French at all. Undismayed, he spent the two days' interval +before the <i>vivâ-voce</i> examination in learning some. You +might suppose that two days is a short time in which to become so +familiar with a strange language that you may be able to understand +and answer any question which may be put to you in it. Sly friend, +however, did not let this worry him. He learnt by heart a long and +detailed narrative, embracing all the most impressive idioms and +all the most popular slang, the subject of which was an accident +which had occurred to him in the earlier days of the campaign, a +long and a vivid story, which, once started, would last +indefinitely and could not be interrupted meanwhile. Armed with no +other knowledge of the French language than this, my friend duly +presented himself before the Official Interpreter, greeted him with +a genial salute and waited throughout his opening speech, which was +in French and contained many inquiries. My friend made no endeavour +to follow these simple questions. He knew he couldn't succeed and +had no intention of giving himself away by an attempt. Advancing +towards the Interpreter's table and putting his right hand to his +ear, "Pardon, monsieur," he said, "mais je suis un peu sourd, +depuis mon accident." "Quel accident?" said the Interpreter; after +which my friend did not stop talking until he was passed out with a +"French, garrulous." We met quite recently and talked over things +in general, telling each other, in confidence and on the best +authority, all those exciting details of the progress of the War +which men go on saying and believing until they are officially +contradicted. Getting down to realities, he told me that he has now +the greatest difficulty in believing in the War at all, though he +is within ear-shot of it all the time. His difficulty is due to the +last thing he saw before he left his office: three men standing at +his gate, in that attitude of contented and contemplative leisure +which one associates with Saturday afternoons and village pumps, +looking at nothing in particular and spitting thoughtfully as +occasion required. One of them was a British soldier, one a French +soldier and one a German soldier. The whole picture suggested +anything but war; if there was a war on, which nation was fighting +against which? My friend, however, is somewhat oddly situated in +this respect, since he commands for the moment a detachment of +German prisoners in our back area. Some of them, he tells me, are +extraordinarily smart. One Prussian N.C.O. in particular was +remarkable. Dressed in his impressive overcoat, hatted for all the +world like our Staff and carrying under his arm his dapper cane, +this N.C.O. went round from group to group of working prisoners, +accompanying the English sergeant in charge of the party and +interpreting the latter's orders to the men. So striking was his +get-up that all paused to look at him. Thinking it might please +you, my friend showed me an official memo., which he had just +received from one of his officers in command of an outlying +detachment, and of course of the odds and ends of British personnel +adhering thereto: cooks, guards, etc. The memo. ran as follows, and +it repays careful study and thinking out; I give you the whole of +it:— +<blockquote><i>"To the Commanding Officer, Orderly Room, +Hqrs."</i><br /> +<br /> +The undermentioned is in my opinion entirely unfitted for the duty +to which he has been detailed with this detachment. He shows no +signs of either intelligence or industry, and I propose, with your +approval, to take the necessary steps to get rid of him +forthwith.<br /> +<br /> +A. B. SMITH,<br /> +<br /> +<i>Capt. i.c. 'B' Detachment.</i></blockquote> +My friend was much concerned to hit upon exactly the right form of +reply. Eventually we agreed:— +<blockquote><i>"To Capt. A. B. Smith, i.c. 'B' +Detachment.</i><br /> +<br /> +Good-bye.<br /> +<br /> +C. D. JONES,<br /> +<br /> +<i>Lt.-Col., O.C., etc., etc.</i>"</blockquote> +Finally, let me tell you a disgraceful tale of my same friend, +which does not refer to his present command, and is, I hope, untrue +of him in any command. The crowd for which he was then responsible +was suddenly threatened with inspection by the General who is +charged with the welfare of such people, and who very properly +desired to satisfy himself that they were both well disciplined and +well tended. So that success might be assured my friend had a +rehearsal parade. All inspections and manoeuvres being completed, +my friend stood the crowd at ease and thus addressed them:— +<blockquote>"All ranks will take the utmost care to turn themselves +out smartly for the inspection and to make the inspection a +success. As the General passes along the lines inspecting you, you +will stand rigidly to attention, eyes front. You will be asked if +you have any complaints to make, and each of you will have an +opportunity of making a complaint in the correct manner.<br /> +<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg +113]</span> "In making his complaint the man should advance two +paces forward, salute smartly, stand to attention and make his +complaint.<br /> +<br /> +"And, by Heavens, if anybody does...!"</blockquote> +Yours ever,<br /> +<br /> +HENRY.</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>A TRACT FOR GROUSERS.</h3> +<p>Ernest and I were seated by the river. It was very pleasant +there, and it seemed a small thing to us that we were both still +disabled.</p> +<p>"Did you ever say to yourself, when you were out there, that if +ever you got out of it alive you'd never grumble at anything +again?'" said Ernest.</p> +<p>My reply was in the affirmative.</p> +<p>We were silent for a while, remorse weighing heavily upon +us.</p> +<p>"The worst case," said Ernest at length, "was when I got my +commission and came home for my kit."</p> +<p>I composed myself to listen, piously determined not to grumble +however tedious I might find his recital.</p> +<p>"We'd been near a place called Ypres," he began.</p> +<p>"I seem to have heard the name," I murmured.</p> +<p>"I hadn't been sleeping really well for a week—we'd been +in the trenches that time—and before that I had lain somewhat +uneasily upon a concrete floor."</p> +<p>"Yes, concrete is hard, isn't it?" I said.</p> +<p>"We came out at three in the morning, and arrived at our billets +about seven. I knew this commission was on the +<i>tapis</i>—French word meaning carpet—so I hung round +not daring to turn in. At eleven o'clock I had orders to push off +home to get my kit. You'll guess I didn't want asking twice. I made +my way to the railhead at once in case of any hitch, and had to +wait some time for a train. It was a goods train when it came, but +it did quite well and deposited me outside the port of embarkation +about nine o'clock at night. I walked on into the port and found +the ship that was crossing next morning. I went below in search of +a cabin. There was a French sailor there to whom I explained my +need."</p> +<p>"How?" I asked, for I do not share Ernest's opinion of his +mastery of the French language, but he ignored this.</p> +<p>"It was dark down there," he went on, "too dark for him to see +that I was in a private's uniform, so I put on a bit of side and he +took me for an officer."</p> +<p>"A French officer?"</p> +<p>"Very likely. Anyway he found me a beautiful cabin with a lovely +couch in it all covered with plush. You would have thought I should +want nothing but to be left to sleep; but no, I saw that the +officer in the next cabin had a candle, and there was no candle for +me. Instantly my worst instincts were aroused. I felt I was being +put upon. I demanded a candle. The sailor declared there wasn't one +left."</p> +<p>"You're sure he understood what you were asking for?"</p> +<p>"Yes, I know that candle is boogy, thank you. I argued with him +for ten minutes and then turned in, grumbling. Queer, wasn't +it?"</p> +<p>"Yes," I said.</p> +<p>I sat there for a while, thinking over Ernest's story, which +had, it seemed to me, something of the tract about it.</p> +<p>Later the midges began to attack us.</p> +<p>"Aren't these midges absolutely—" I began, and then +stopped, remembering Ernest's tract. It only shows, as I said to +Ernest, that we may learn something even from the most unlikely +people.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"Wanted, a strong Boy, about 15 years old, for +bottling, &c. The Brewery, Brixham."<br /> +<i>The Western Guardian.</i></blockquote> +<p>"Waiter, bring me a bottle of the boy."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"... contest the right of the Spanish authorities to +intern damaged submarines seeking refuse in neutral +ports."—<i>Star.</i></blockquote> +<p>The Spanish authorities are expected to reply that if that is +what the U-boats are after there is no need for them to leave +home.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/113.png"><img src="images/113.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>First Artist.</i> "BY GAD! OLD PARSLEY'S SURPASSED HIMSELF. +LAMB CUTLETS, TWO CHOCOLATE CAKES AND THREE LUMPS OF SUGAR. +RATTLING GOOD SUBJECT."</p> +<p><i>Second Artist.</i> "I THOUGHT OF ONE NEARLY AS GOOD, BUT +COULDN'T AFFORD THE MODELS."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg +114]</span> +<h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> +<p><i>(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Fritz, his Valet.)</i></p> +<p><i>The Crown Prince (in bed and yawning).</i> Is that you, +Fritz?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, your Royal Highness. What uniform shall I lay +out for his Royal Highness?</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> You can lay out the best I have—the one of +the Death's Head Hussars, with all my stars and medals. I am +expecting an important visit.</p> +<p><i>Fritz (with a meaning smile).</i> If I might venture so far, +I would suggest to his Royal Highness that he should wear the +Trench uniform, which I arranged with the bullet-holes and the +mud-splashes. It creates a greater effect, especially if the +visitor be a lady.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> Fritz, you dog, how dare you? Very well, have it +your own way and let it be the Trench uniform.</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> I am only anxious to promote his Royal Highness's +interest in every possible way.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> I know, I know. Only we shall have old +HINDENBURG growling and grunting and looking as black as a +thundercloud. I cannot imagine what my revered father sees in that +old wooden effigy, whose only idea of strategy is to retreat from +strong positions. That, at any rate, is not the fashion in which I +have learnt war. I'm thoroughly tired of hearing of all these +HINDENBURG plans, which come to nothing.</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness is, of course, right. But what +I say to myself is that the ALL-HIGHEST, your Royal Highness's most +gracious father, has in all this a deep-laid design to show +conclusively that all these HINDENBURG plans mean nothing, so that +in the end true skill and merit may have a chance, and the chief +command may be placed in the only hands that are fit to exercise +it. Oh, yes, I know what I'm talking about, and everyone I meet +says the same.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> I have always felt that that must be so. No +matter, a time will come. By the way, Fritz, have you packed up the +<i>Sèvres</i> dinner-service?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> I have already packed six from as many different +French and Belgian houses, and have sent them to Berlin, according +to your Royal Highness's directions. Which does your Royal Highness +refer to?</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> I mean the one with the simple pattern of pink +flowers and the coat-of-arms.</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, that I have packed like the rest and have +sent off.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> And the silver dishes and the lace?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, they have all gone.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> Good. And the clocks?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, I did in every case what your Royal Highness +ordered me to do.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> And you packed them, I hope, with the greatest +care?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> I did; nothing, I am certain, will suffer +damage.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> Excellent. War is, no doubt, a rough and brutal +affair, but at least it cannot be said that we Prussians do not +behave like gentlemen.</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness speaks, as always, the plain +truth. How different from the degenerate French and the intolerable +English.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> Yes, Fritz; and now you can go. Stay; there was +something I wanted to ask you. Dear me, I am losing my memory. Ah! +I have it. How is my offensive getting on? Has any news come in +from the <i>Chemin des Dames</i>?</p> +<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness's offensive has not advanced +to any great extent. The French last night recaptured all their +positions and even penetrated into ours.</p> +<p><i>The C.P.</i> Did they? How very annoying. Somebody bungled, +of course. Well, well, I shall have to put it right when I have +time. Have you finished laying out my uniform? Yes. Then you can +go.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>THE HUMILIATION OF THE PALFREY.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Where is she now, the pride of the battalion,</p> +<p class="i2">That ambled always at the Colonel's side,</p> +<p>A fair white steed, like some majestic galleon</p> +<p class="i2">Which takes deliberate the harbour tide,</p> +<p class="i4">So soft, so slow, she scarcely seems to stir?</p> +<p class="i4">And that, indeed, was very true of her</p> +<p class="i4">Who was till late, so kind her character,</p> +<p class="i2">The only horse the Adjutant could ride.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Ever she led the regiment on its journeys,</p> +<p class="i2">And held sweet converse with the Colonel's gee:</p> +<p>Of knights, no doubt, and old heroic tourneys,</p> +<p class="i2">And how she bare great ladies o'er the lea;</p> +<p class="i4">And on high hill-sides, when the men felt dead,</p> +<p class="i4">Far up the height they viewed her at the head,</p> +<p class="i4">A star of hope, and shook themselves, and said,</p> +<p class="i2">"If she can do it, dammit, so can we!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But where is now my Adjutantial palfrey?</p> +<p class="i2">In front no longer but in rear to-day,</p> +<p>Behind the bicycles, and not at all free</p> +<p class="i2">To be familiar with the General's gray,</p> +<p class="i4">She walks in shame with all those misanthropes,</p> +<p class="i4">The sad pack-animals who have no hopes</p> +<p class="i4">But must by men be led about on ropes,</p> +<p class="i2">Condemned till death to carry S.A.A.,</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And bombs, and beef, and officers' valises;</p> +<p class="i2">And I at eve have marked my wistful mare</p> +<p>By thronging dumps where cursing never ceases</p> +<p class="i2">And rations come, for oft she brings them there,</p> +<p class="i4">Patient, aloof; and when the shrapnel dropp'd</p> +<p class="i4">And the young mules complained and kicked and +hopp'd,</p> +<p class="i4">She only stood unmoved, with one leg propp'd,</p> +<p class="i2">As if she heard it not or did not care;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Or heard, maybe, but hoped to get a Blighty;</p> +<p class="i2">For on her past she lately seemed to brood</p> +<p>And dreamed herself once more among the mighty,</p> +<p class="i2">By grooms beloved and reverently shoed;</p> +<p class="i4">But now she has no standing in the corps,</p> +<p class="i4">And Death itself would hardly be a bore,</p> +<p class="i4">Save that, although she carries me no more,</p> +<p class="i2">'Tis something still to carry up my food.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>A.P.H.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE WAR-NOTE IN EXAMINATIONS.</h3> +<p>Extract from Smith Minor's Scripture paper:—</p> +<blockquote>"And when Jephthah saw his daughter coming to meet him +he was very much upset. But he had to keep to his vow, so he gave +her two months' leave and then he killed her."</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote>Quoting a European statesman, saying the war would be +won by the last 500,000 bushels of what, Mr. Hoover +said."—<i>New York Times</i>.</blockquote> +<p>We trust Mr. HOOVER will hurry up with his peroration.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"I feel that I might claim almost a special kinship +with Baron Sonnino, because I believe his mother was a Welsh +lady."<br /> +<i>"Weekly Dispatch" Report of Premier's Speech.</i><br /> +<br /> +"Baron Sonnino, by the way, who is of half-Scottish extraction, +speaks English perfectly. How many of the master minds at our +Foreign Office speak Italian perfectly?"<br /> +<i>"Weekly Dispatch" Secret History of the Week.</i></blockquote> +<p>But in fairness to the "master minds" it should be remembered +that few of them have the advantage of a Scotch father and a Welsh +mother.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg +115]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Hospital Wardmaid (Who Has Shown the New Matron Into Her +Room).</i>—"WELL, I MUST SAY I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO STAY. +YOU'LL BE THE SIXTH MATRON I'VE TRAINED."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<h5>"THE BETTER 'OLE."</h5> +<p>I must congratulate Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN on his courage in +transforming the Oxford Music-hall into a home of "the legitimate," +and still more on his good fortune in securing for the initiation +of his new venture the play which Captain BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER and +Captain ARTHUR ELIOT have written round the adventures of "Old +Bill." In form it resembles a <i>revue</i>, but I prefer to call it +a play, because it possesses a plot, distinct if slight—an +encumbrance banned by most <i>revue</i> producers; and because it +contains an abundance of honest spontaneous fun. The authors start +with the advantage, if it be an advantage, that the principal +characters are already familiar to the audience through the medium +of Captain BAIRNSFATHER's popular drawings; but they have not been +content with reproducing their well-known, now almost hackneyed, +adventures, but have added many others which are new and yet "come +into the picture."</p> +<p>Their greatest piece of luck was in finding a comedian exactly +fitted to fill the part of the humble hero. Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER as +<i>Old Bill</i> is absolutely "it." His make-up is perfect; he +might have stepped out of the drawing, or sat for it, whichever you +please. But, much more than that, he seems to have exactly realised +the sort of man <i>Old Bill</i> probably is in real +life—slow-speaking and stolid in manner, yet with a vein of +common-sense underlying his apparent stupidity; much addicted to +beer and other liquids, but not brutalized thereby; and, while +often grousing and grumbling, nevertheless possessed almost +unconsciously of a strong sense of duty and an undaunted +determination to see it through. It is a tribute to the essential +truthfulness of Captain BAIRNSFATHER'S conception and Mr. +BOURCHIER'S acting that one comes away from <i>The Better 'Ole</i> +feeling that there must be thousands of <i>Old Bills</i> at the +Front fighting for our freedom.</p> +<p>Admirable work is done, too, by Mr. TOM WOOTTWELL as +<i>Bert</i>, the incorrigible amorist, for whom each new girl is +"the only girl," and who has an apparently inexhaustible supply of +identity-discs to leave with them as "sooveneers"; and by Mr. +SINCLAIR COTTER as <i>Alf</i>, the cynical humourist—"Where +were you eddicated, Eton or Harrod's?" is one of his best +<i>mots</i>—who spends most of his time in wrestling with an +automatic cigar-lighter. I think it would be only poetical justice +if in the concluding scene, when <i>Old Bill</i> comes into his +own, the authors were for once to allow <i>Alf</i> to succeed in +lighting his "fag."</p> +<p>Of the many ladies who add charm to the entertainment I can only +mention Miss EDMÉE DORMEUIL, who as <i>Victoire</i> has an +important share in the plot and saves <i>Old Bill's</i> life; Miss +GOODIE REEVE, who sings some capital songs; and Miss PEGGY DORAN, +who looks bewitching as an officer of the Woman Workers' Corps. The +music, arranged by Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI, is catchy and not +uncomfortably original: and the scenery, designed by Captain +BAIRNSFATHER, gives one, I should say, as good an idea of the +trenches as one can get without going there. In fine I would parody +<i>Old Bill</i> and say, "If you knows of a better show, go to +it!"</p> +<p>L.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" name="page116"></a>[pg +116]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/116.png"><img width="100%" src="images/116.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Perfect Stranger (To Jones, Who Has Not Forgotten Willie's +Birthday).</i> "AIN'T YOU ASHAMED TO GO BATTING THESE DAYS?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>TO A MODERN MUSE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O Metaphasia, peerless maid,</p> +<p class="i2">How can I fitly sing</p> +<p>The priceless decorative aid</p> +<p class="i2">To dialogue you bring,</p> +<p>Enabling serious folk, whose brains</p> +<p class="i2">Are commonplace and crude,</p> +<p>To soar to unimagined planes</p> +<p class="i2">Of sweet ineptitude.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Changed by your magic, common-sense</p> +<p class="i2">Nonsensical appears,</p> +<p>And stars of sober influence</p> +<p class="i2">Shoot madly from their spheres.</p> +<p>You lure us from the beaten track,</p> +<p class="i2">From minding P.'s and Q.'s,</p> +<p>To paths where white is always black</p> +<p class="i2">And pies resemble pews.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Strange beasts, more strange than the giraffe,</p> +<p class="i2">You conjure up to view,</p> +<p>The flue-box and the forking-calf,</p> +<p class="i2">Unknown at any Zoo;</p> +<p>And new vocations you unfold,</p> +<p class="i2">Wonder on wonder heaping,</p> +<p>Hell-banging for the over-bold,</p> +<p class="i2">And toffee-cavern keeping.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>With you we hatch the pasty snipe,</p> +<p class="i2">And all undaunted face</p> +<p>Huge fish of unfamiliar type—</p> +<p class="i2">Bush-pike and bubble-dace;</p> +<p>Or, fired by hopes of lyric fame,</p> +<p class="i2">We deviate from prose,</p> +<p>And make it our especial aim</p> +<p class="i2">Bun-sonnets to compose.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I wonder did the ancients prove</p> +<p class="i2">Responsive to your spell,</p> +<p>Or, riveted to Reason's groove,</p> +<p class="i2">Against your charms rebel.</p> +<p>And yet some senator obese,</p> +<p class="i2">In Rome long years ago,</p> +<p>May have misnamed a masterpiece</p> +<p class="i2"><i>De Gallo bellico</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We know there were heroic men</p> +<p class="i2">Ere AGAMEMNON'S days,</p> +<p>Who passed forgotten from our ken,</p> +<p class="i2">Lacking a poet's praise;</p> +<p>But, though great Metaphasiarchs</p> +<p class="i2">Have doubtless flourished sooner,</p> +<p>I'm sure their raciest remarks</p> +<p class="i2">Have been eclipsed by S*****r.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LIMIT.</h3> +<blockquote>"The daily cost of the war has shown an alarming +tendency to mount, and has gone beyond the 700 millions which some +folk thought must be the limit a few months ago."<br /> +<i>Sussex Daily News.</i></blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"Junior Assistant wanted to Grocery, Spirit and +Provision business; send copy references and salary +expected."—<i>Irish Paper.</i></blockquote> +<p>Quite a promising idea for getting more capital into a +business.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>INVENTIONS.</h3> +<p>"Amongst a number of new inventions," says the <i>Frankfischer +Tagwacht</i>, "is an imitation of the smell of Limburger cheese." +This has caused some alarm and not a little interest in this +country, as the following extracts will show:—</p> +<p>"Berlin Resident" states that he has too long been fed up with +imitation meals, and for weeks past has had nothing to eat but +holes from Limburger.</p> +<p>"Cynic" remarks that it is impossible for the German scientists +to defeat the WOLFF wireless at inventions.</p> +<p>Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is anxious to know whether they have yet +discovered a substitute for <i>The Morning Post</i>.</p> +<p><i>The Times</i> Greenwich correspondent wires: "If they have +invented a method whereby a news report will make a noise like +'Passed by Censor' will they wire terms?"</p> +<hr /> +<p>Inscription on a French picture post-card:—</p> +<blockquote>"Une locomotive abandonée devant Thiepval. One +locomotive a profligate woman forepart Thiepval."</blockquote> +<p>Smith minor is avenged.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg +117]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/117.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>THE REAL VOICE OF LABOUR.</h3> +<p>TOMMY. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO STOCKHOLM TO TALK TO FRITZ, ARE YOU? +WELL, I'M GOING BACK TO FRANCE TO <i>FIGHT</i> HIM."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg +119]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Monday, August 6th.</i>—This being Bank Holiday and the +first fine day after a week's downpour, Members for the most part +stayed away from Westminster. Some, it is charitably supposed, have +gone to look after their allotments. Others, it is believed, have +been kept away by a different reason. The taxicab-drivers, men +constitutionally averse from extortion, have refused to enter the +railway-station yards so long as the companies persist in exacting +from them a whole penny for the privilege. Consequently some of our +week-ending legislators are reported to be interned at Waterloo and +Paddington, sitting disconsolately upon their portmanteaux. As an +appeal to the Board of Trade elicited nothing more from Mr. G. +ROBERTS than a disclaimer of personal responsibility, it is +expected that redress will be sought from the Taxi-cabinet.</p> +<p>Mr. HENDERSON'S dual personality continues to arouse curiosity. +There was some justification for Mr. KING'S inquiry whether he went +to Petrograd as a Ministerial <i>Jekyll</i> or a Labourist +<i>Hyde</i>. Mr. BONAR LAW assured the House that on this occasion +at least Mr. HENDERSON went purely as a Cabinet Minister, guiltless +of any duplicity.</p> +<p>Mr. PROTHERO enlivened the discussion on the Corn Production +Bill by a new clause providing that where a farmer failed to +destroy the rabbits on his land the Board of Agriculture should +have power to do it for him and recover the expenses incurred. Sir +JOHN SPEAR expected that in some cases the rabbits secured would +more than defray the cost of the capture, and declared that unless +the farmer was allowed to keep the rabbits the Government would be +guilty of "profiteering." As other agricultural Members appeared to +share this view, Mr. PROTHERO, most obliging of Ministers, agreed +to alter the word "cost" to "net cost." I hope no litigious farmer +will seek to evade his liabilities on the ground that, as the Act +only says "net cost," he need not pay for the ferrets.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href= +"images/119-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119-1.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h4>THE FOUNT OF HONOUR AT WORK.</h4> +LORD CURZON CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT. +</div> +<p><i>Tuesday, August 7th.</i>—Those peers who were supposed +to be shaking in their shoes at the thought of Lord SELBORNE'S +impending revelations as to the means by which they acquired their +honours might have spared their tremors. He opened his bag to-day, +but no cat jumped out, not even the smallest kitten. If he had +given a single concrete example of a peer who, having notoriously +no public services at his back, must be presumed to have purchased +his title, he would have created some effect. But the admission +that all his information on the subject was confidential cut the +ground from under his feet; and needless to say none of the Peers +whom he hypothetically accused of buying their coronets responded +to his appeal by standing forth in a white sheet and making open +confession of his crime.</p> +<p>Lord SELBORNE was one of three heirs to peerages who a +generation ago banded themselves together to resist elevation to +the House of Lords. Another of them is Lord CURZON, who answered +him to-night, and whose contempt for the Chamber which he now +adorns seems to have grown with the years that he has spent in it. +Reading between the lines of his speech a cynic could only infer +that the Upper House, as at present constituted, is such a useless +and superfluous assembly that it does not much matter who gets into +it or by what venal ladder he climbs.</p> +<p>The only peers who ventured to get to close quarters with the +scandal were Lord KNUTSFORD, who told a moving tale of how a +potential baronet diverted £25,000 from the London Hospital +to a certain party fund, and thereby achieved his purpose; and Lord +SALISBURY, who declared from his knowledge of Prime Ministers that +they were sick of administering the system of which Lord CURZON was +so ostentatiously ignorant.</p> +<p>Many reasons have been assigned for Mr. CHURCHILL'S reinclusion +in the Ministry, but I am inclined to think that the real one has +only just been discovered. Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT is one of the most +pertinacious inquisitors of the Treasury Bench; he is also a +whole-souled admirer of the Member for DUNDEE, and has written a +book in eulogy of his achievements by sea and land. Mr. CHURCHILL +has rewarded this devotion by appointing Mr. SCOTT his private +secretary, and, as it is contrary to Parliamentary etiquette for a +Member holding this position to interrogate other Ministers, has +thereby conferred a distinct benefit upon his new colleagues. Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE is now reported to be on the look-out for other +statesmen in whom Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PRINGLE repose a similar trust, +but so far without success; and it is thought that his only chance +is to make Mr. PRINGLE an Under-Secretary on condition that he +takes Mr. HOGGE as his <i>âme damnée</i>, or <i>vice +versâ</i>.</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/119-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119-2.png" alt= +"" /></a> +WINSTON'S GIFT TO HIS NEW PRIVATE SECRETARY,<br /> +MR. MACCALLUM SCOTT. +</div> +<p><i>Wednesday, August 8th.</i>—Lord BURNHAM shocked some of +the more ancient peers by his skittish references to the coming +Conference on the Second Chamber. When he expressed the hope that +Lord CURZON would make an explicit statement, on the ground that +their Lordships' House was in no need of a soporific, I fully +expected one of the occupants of the mausoleum to rise and reprove +him in the words of Dr. JOHNSON, "Sir, in order to be facetious it +is not necessary to be indecent."</p> +<p>The advent of the feminine lawyer was rendered a little nearer +when her champions successfully held up a Bill promoted by the +Incorporated Law <span class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name= +"page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> Society until the Government +undertook to find time for the discussion of a measure enabling +women to become solicitors. Already <i>Shylock</i> is trembling at +the prospect.</p> +<p><i>Thursday, August 9th</i>.—When the House on two +successive occasions rejected Proportional Representation it was +generally thought that nothing more would be heard of the other +proposals for securing minority representation. To-night, however, +after a brisk debate, the "Alternative vote" in three-cornered +contests was saved in a free division by a single vote; and it was +further decided that "P.R." itself should be adopted at University +elections, despite the unanimous opposition of the University +Representatives.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE CHOICE.</h3> +<p>The bright August sun certainly made the dining-room paper look +dingy. It was a plain, self-coloured paper, but we were rather +attached to it, and didn't like the idea of a change.</p> +<p>But there seemed no help for it, so I arranged to leave my +office early on Friday afternoon, meet Alison at the Marble Arch +tube station and go with her to choose a new paper.</p> +<p>When we reached the wall-paperer's lair we were ushered by an +immaculate personage into a room that looked more like the +dining-room of a private house than a part of business +premises.</p> +<p>"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have +anything to do with such trifling things +as—er—wall-paper?"</p> +<p>"Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things, +wall-papers. Where did you want it for?"</p> +<p>"For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the +garden."</p> +<p>"Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he +asked.</p> +<p>"A very nice house," I said.</p> +<p>"I meant what was the style of the house—Jacobean, +Georgian?"</p> +<p>"Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge; +but very snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we +should like which would also satisfy your sense of propriety."</p> +<p>"I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards +two or three giant books of patterns.</p> +<p>"What we want," I said, "is something meaty."</p> +<p>"Ah, for the dining-room," he said.</p> +<p>"Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard +times we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a +wall-paper with body in it might help matters."</p> +<p>"I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that +would make you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise +would feel, as it were."</p> +<p>"My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a +sympathetic nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No +doubt you too are suffering."</p> +<p>He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he +said.</p> +<p>"Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed +chairs, gate-legged table, bookcases—"</p> +<p>"Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison.</p> +<p>"A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said. "Don't you think +something of a chintzy nature would ... etc."</p> +<p>Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might +possibly ... etc.</p> +<p>I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it +appeared to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on +the merits of the following patterns among others:—</p> +<p>(1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing.</p> +<p>(2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries.</p> +<p>(3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular.</p> +<p>(4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling.</p> +<p>(5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale.</p> +<p>(6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do.</p> +<p>(7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of +their kind.</p> +<p>Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two +looking at them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to +us. His idea was that the pattern would act as wallpaper and +pictures combined. Alison's idea was that there would be too many +portraits of cockatoos round the room, and I maintained that the +wretched birds looked so realistic that I should certainly feel I +ought to be giving them some food, and this would of course hardly +assist my idea. The noes had it.</p> +<p>In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers) +and a promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred. +One of them I chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole +scheme for a winter waistcoat.</p> +<p>Alison and I spent the evening hanging the patterns up one after +the other on one wall of the dining-room, and tried to paper the +rest of the walls in the mind's eye, but at eleven o'clock we +knocked off for the night and went to bed with headaches.</p> +<p>I fancy Alison must have had a disturbed night. As I was leaving +the house after breakfast she said, "Have you made up your mind +about those patterns?"</p> +<p>"No, I haven't," I said. "I'm going to leave it to you. Choose +which you like."</p> +<p>"I've chosen," she said with an air of finality.</p> +<p>"Well," said Alison, when I reached home that evening, "it's +up."</p> +<p>"Up?" I said. "The new paper, already?"</p> +<p>"Come and see," Alison said.</p> +<p>"By Jove, how well it looks!" I said. "You've chosen well. +There's something familiar about it, though it looks almost +new."</p> +<p>"Yes," said Alison, "Ellen and I cleaned it all over with +bread-crumbs."</p> +<p>"Poor Lord Bayswater," I said. "But you've done the right thing. +Wall-paper as usual during the War."</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/120.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>First Dangerous Mule (to Second Ditto).</i>"DON'T YOU +GO NEAR HER, MATE—SHE'LL KICK YER."</p></div> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"The annual agricultural returns show that the +increased area in England and Wales of corn and potatoes for the +present harvest amount to no less than 347,0000 acres. This result +exceeds all expectations."<br /> +<i>Bradford Daily Argus</i>.</blockquote> +<p>We can well believe it.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From a sale advertisement:—</p> +<blockquote> +<h5>"LACE DEPT.</h5> +Ladies' Overalls and Breeches for the farm, garden, or home use, +reduced in Price."<br /> +<i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote> +<p>Cooler and cooler.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name="page121"></a>[pg +121]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/121.png"><img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<i>Angry Lady (On Being Told That Fido's Favourite Biscuits Are +Now Unobtainable).</i><br /> +"NOTHING BUT THESE! REALLY, THIS WAR IS GETTING BEYOND A +JOKE!" +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>"SKILLY."</h3> +<p>Prior to "Skilly" being taken on the regimental strength, our +canteen was the paradise of a battalion of mice, from whose nightly +raids nothing was sacred. But from the day "Skilly" enlisted the +marauders became less and less obtrusive. And "Skilly" grew +sleek.</p> +<p>Then came a time of scarcity. Mice fought shy of the canteen, +and "Skilly" visibly suffered from lack of nourishment. A +sergeant's wife provided welcome hospitality; but no sooner was +"Skilly" billeted outside the canteen than the plague returned, and +so she was recalled urgently to active service. Again was the enemy +routed; but again came the wilting-time of dire want. Virtue, +however, did not go unrewarded a second time. "Skilly" had earned +honourable mention, and representations to the proper quarters +resulted in an order that she should be rationed so long as she +remained on canteen duty.</p> +<p>With times of ease came time for love. In due course "Skilly" +presented an absentee and unidentifiable spouse with five bouncing +baby kittens. Throughout their extreme infancy the family throve; +but the time came when the devoted mother was no longer able to +supply sufficient nutriment for five lusty youngsters. Clearly +something must be done, and the canteen sergeant was the man to do +it. He sent in a proper formal application to the regimental +powers, requesting that increased feline rations be ordered as +"subsistence for Canteen Skilly and family of five."</p> +<p>Time passed, and—let this be read and remembered by all +carping critics who accuse our army of want of method and business +sense—in due course the application was returned, properly +entered, checked, signed and counter-signed. The verdict run thus: +"Application on behalf of Canteen Skilly refused, as apparently she +married off the strength of the regiment."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"No youth should be regarded educationally as a +finished article at 1 years of age." <i>Yorkshire +Post.</i></blockquote> +<p>Mr. Fisher will be pleased.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>"A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY."</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I jogged along the footpath way</p> +<p class="i2">And leant against the stile;</p> +<p>"A merry heart goes all the day,"</p> +<p>Stoutly I sang the old refrain;</p> +<p>My own heart mocked me back again,</p> +<p class="i2">"Yet tire you in a mile!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Well may I tire, that stand alone</p> +<p class="i2">And turn a wistful glance</p> +<p>On each remembered tree and stone,</p> +<p>Familiar landmarks of a road</p> +<p>Where once so light of heart I strode</p> +<p class="i2">With one who sleeps in France.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Heavily on the stile I lean,</p> +<p class="i2">Not as we leant of yore,</p> +<p>To drink the beauty of the scene,</p> +<p>Glory of green and blue and gold,</p> +<p>Shadow and gleam on wood and wold</p> +<p class="i2">That he will see no more.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Then came from somewhere far afield</p> +<p class="i2">A song of thrush unseen,</p> +<p>And suddenly there stood revealed</p> +<p>(Oh heart so merry, song so true!)</p> +<p>A day when we shall walk, we two,</p> +<p class="i2">Where other worlds are green.</p> +</div> +</div> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>[pg +122]</span> +<hr /> +<h3>THE REVIEWS FOR ——.</h3> +<p><i>(A specimen article for the use of those editors who have +come to the realisation that the contents of our heavier +periodicals never change. All that is needed is the insertion of +the right month and the survey can be used as a serial.)</i></p> +<p>In <i>The Umteenth Century and Forever</i>, which is, as usual, +alert and interesting, the place of honour is given to an article +by Sir Vincent Stodge, M.P., on "Proportional Representation in New +Patagonia." Sir Vincent's argument may or may not convince, but it +is succinctly stated. Sir ERNEST CASSEL writes usefully on "Economy +for Cottagers," and Lord Sopwith, in a paper on "Air Raids and +Glowworms," shows how important it is that on dark nights there +should be some compulsory extinction of the light of these +dangerous and, he fears, pro-German, insects. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT +describes "Galicia as I Knew It," and there are suggestive papers +on "The Probable Course of History for the next Three Centuries," +by the Dean of LINCOLN; "Potatoes as Food," by Sir WALTER RALEIGH; +and "Hair in Relation to Eminence," by Dr. SALEEBY, in which all +the strong men in history famous for their locks, from SAMSON to +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, are passed in review. An excellent number, full +of mental nutriment, is brought to a close by a symposium of +Bishops on the petrol restrictions.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>By a strange coincidence <i>The Shortsightly</i> also has a +valuable paper on "Proportional Representation," by Mr. and Mrs. +C.N. WILLIAMSON, who thus make their bow for the first time among +what might be called our thinking novelists, their effort being in +some degree balanced by an essay in the same number from so +inveterate a politician as Mr. J.M. HOGGE, M.P., on the "Wit and +Humour of WILLIAM LE QUEUX." There is also an anonymous article of +great power on "Conscientious Objectors as Food for Racehorses," +which should cause discussion, both by reason of its arguments and +also through the secret of its authorship, which to the initiated +is only of course a <i>secret de Polichinelle</i>. For the rest we +content ourselves with drawing attention to "The Small Holding," by +Lord PIRRIE; "Women and Tobacco," by the Manager of the Piccadilly +Hotel; "Feud Control," by Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, M.P.; "Russia as I +knew it," by Mr. HARRY DE WINDT; and "The Spirit of Ireland," by +Sir JOHN POWER.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Peremptory Review</i> opens with Lord CURZON'S +well-reasoned appeal to Labour to relinquish its attitude of +criticism and trust the powers that be. Other notable articles deal +with the possible effect of woman's franchise on the cult of +Pekinese spaniels, the case pro and con. for a tunnel under St. +George's Channel, and the philosophy of E. PHILLIPS OPPENHEIM. Mr. +HARRY DE WINDT writes of "Serbia as I Knew It." A spirited attack +on the MINISTER of MUNITIONS by the Editor of <i>The Morning +Post</i> brings an excellent number to a close.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>Backwood's</i> is, as usual, strong in the martial element, +and is further proof that in the present conflict there is no +excluding rivalry between pen and sword, but plenty of room for +both. The article wittily entitled, "Mess-up-otamia" should be read +by everyone who is not tired of that theme. The trenchant author of +"Reflections without Rancour" displays his customary vigilance as a +censor of <i>bêtes noires</i>, not sparing the whip even when +some of the animals are dead.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the ever iconoclastic and live <i>Gnashing All Review</i> Mr. +Smacksy is, as usual, at his most vigorous. Among the statesmen who +come in for his attacks are Mr. ASQUITH and Lord HALDANE, both of +whom are probably by now quite inured to his blows. Nothing could +be more amusing than the renewed play which is made with the +phrase, "spiritual home." Mr. Smacksy has also something to say to +members of what might be called his own Party. Other articles deal +with "The Psychology of the Pacifist," a trenchant exposure; "The +Teeth of American Presidents," which contains a number of curious +statistics; "The Film and the Future," by Viscount CHAPLIN; "The +Honours List," in which the anonymous writer makes the +revolutionary suggestion that the KING'S birthday should in future +be marked by the withdrawal of old titles instead of the conferring +of new. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT descries "Roumania as I Knew It"; "A +Suggestion for the Settlement of the Irish Problem" is offered by +Mr. GINNELL, M.P.; and Mr. C.B. COCHRAN utters a disinterested plea +for "The Small Theatre."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Jinglish Review</i>, also famous for the activity of its +fighting editor, has no fewer than four articles from his pen, of +which the least negligible is perhaps that of "The Partition of +Europe after the War." The others deal with "The Real Germany," +"Sunday Journalism as a World Asset," and "HORATIO BOTTOMLEY the +Prophet." Other contributions in a varied number include a series +of votive verses to Mr. EDWARD MARSH, C.B., by a band of Georgian +poets, on the occasion of his resumption of his duties as private +secretary to Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A charming study of leprosy, +translated from the Russian of Lugubriski, brings the number to a +close.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>LONDON PRIDE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Upon a lily-laden tide,</p> +<p>Where galleons rocked with sails blown wide</p> +<p class="i2">And white swans gleamed, there was a city</p> +<p>Whose citizens called "London Pride"</p> +<p class="i2">The flower that some call "None-so-Pretty."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>It grew beside the frowning tower,</p> +<p>By RALEGH'S walk and BOLEYN'S bower,</p> +<p class="i2">As frail as joy, as sweet as pity;</p> +<p>And "London Pride" they called that flower</p> +<p class="i2">Which country folk call "None-so-Pretty."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When London lads made holiday</p> +<p>In dewy hours o' th' month o' May,</p> +<p class="i2">And footed it with Moll and Kitty,</p> +<p>Among the maypole garlands gay</p> +<p class="i2">Be sure they plaited "None-so-Pretty."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When London lads in battle bent</p> +<p>Their bows beside the bows of Kent</p> +<p class="i2">('Tis told in many a gallant ditty)</p> +<p>Their caps were tufted as they went</p> +<p class="i2">With "London Pride" or "None-so-Pretty."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, London is what London was,</p> +<p>And mighty food for pride she has;</p> +<p class="i2">Her saints are wise, her sinners witty,</p> +<p>And Picard clay and Flemish grass</p> +<p class="i2">Are sweet with stars of "None-so-Pretty."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>"SAMMIES."</h3> +<p><i>À propos</i> of the note in our issue of August 1st, a +Correspondent suggests that the Americans might go into action to +the tune of "Tommy make room for your Uncle."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"A Leghorn pullet, belonging to Mrs. G.R. Bell, of +Coxhoe, Durham, has laid an egg 3-1/4 oz. in weight, 7-1/2 in. in +diameter, and 6-1/4 in. in circumference."—<i>Scotch +Paper.</i></blockquote> +<p>Most interesting and novel, but very disconcerting to the +mathematicians.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote>"The procession was headed by the choristers and +songmen, and included the surplus clergy and the Very Rev. the +Dean."<br /> +<i>Yorkshire Herald.</i></blockquote> +<p>No support here, you will note, for the recent suggestion that +Deans are superfluous.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg +123]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>THE FAILURE OF THE FILM-THRILL.</h3> +PATIENTS FROM THE LATEST PUSH AT THE PICTURES. +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg +124]</span> +<h2>DUELLING EXTRAORDINARY.</h2> +<p>The contemplated single-stick encounter between Colonel +ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING recalls to mind a ludicrous +affair which actually happened some years ago in a foreign city +which I will here call Killemalivo.</p> +<p>Mr. Alec McTavish, a Briton many years resident in that fair +capital and editor of the only English newspaper, had taken up +stout verbal cudgels on behalf of the Americans, who had been +viciously attacked in the columns of a local "daily." The United +States of the North, in its capacity of "special" to the entire +American continent, comes in for plenty of abuse when a new +revolution is about to be perpetrated.</p> +<p>The strife had waxed fast and furious and eventually had taken +on a personal tone, the editor of <i>La Muera</i> accusing the +editor of the English paper of being "that lowest of all living +things—a Texan." It will be remembered that in times gone by +the State of Texas decided to desert its Latin parents and roost +under the shadow of the eagle's wing, thereby earning for itself +prosperity and an evil reputation—in certain quarters.</p> +<p>McTavish's editorial reply was a gem of satire and displayed an +intimate knowledge of the antecedents of the rival editor.</p> +<p>At that time duelling was still prevalent, and it was not many +days before the editorial sanctum of <i>The Tribune</i> was +honoured by the visit of two officers in full-dress uniform.</p> +<p>The eventual outcome of their visit was that Mr. McTavish found +himself pledged to fight a duel with a man who was, among other +things, a first-class pistol shot and exceptionally expert with the +"florette," all of which McTavish was not.</p> +<p>The affair looked particularly unpleasant—to McTavish, who +was short, fat, and by no means young. But the dignity of the +foreign population as represented by the editor of <i>The +Killemalivo Tribune</i> must of necessity be upheld.</p> +<p>Faced by this quite unusual difficulty, McTavish bethought him +of his old and tried friend, General O'Flynnone, an Irish-American +of many years' residence in the Latin Americas. No one seemed to +know his real name, and the title of General had come to him from +his last place.</p> +<p>The General was delighted at the turn of events, agreed to be +McTavish's second, and promised to get him through the affair with +a whole skin and no loss of honour.</p> +<p>As the challenged party McTavish had choice of weapons, which +was the crux of the situation, as the General pointed out.</p> +<p>Among the Killemalivo aristocracy the favourite weapons were the +duelling pistol and the "florette," or rapier. The "pelado," or +lower orders, preferred the "lingua de vaca," which means literally +"cow's tongue," a nasty-looking knife of no mean proportions.</p> +<p>As O'Flynnone explained, the duel would have to be fought with +"killing weapons"; nothing else would satisfy the bloodthirsty +editor. Meanwhile he would think on the matter, and he advised +McTavish to do likewise.</p> +<p>The following were the most unpleasant days of his life, as +McTavish confessed afterwards. He was not a "conscientious +objector," but he had no pressing wish to exterminate his opponent, +as that would have necessitated a sudden and forcible exile from +the land of his adoption; still less did he fancy an early demise +in the interests of his paper.</p> +<p>Meanwhile the General visited the rival editor's seconds and +arranged for a meeting in his own rooms to discuss final +conditions.</p> +<p>O'Flynnone's rooms contained, among other things, a collection +of curious and ancient weapons. The walls were decorated with all +sorts and conditions of strange and barbarous instruments of +slaughter; Zulu assegais, Afghan knives and Burmese swords hung in +savage array.</p> +<p>The meeting took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The +officers greeted the General agreeably enough, but saluted McTavish +with the stiffness that the occasion called for.</p> +<p>"Well, Señores," commenced the General, after depositing +his visitors in the most comfortable chairs, "to business. Mr. +McTavish, as you will admit, has the choice of weapons."</p> +<p>The officers nodded assent.</p> +<p>"This gentleman," continued O'Flynnone, "comes of that most +noble and warlike race—the Scotch. Fiercest of fighters, +although they do not sometimes look it, the warriors of Scotland +alone among all nations withstood the ravages of the conquering +English. I feel sorry, very sorry for the 'caballero' whom you have +the honour to represent."</p> +<p>The pause which followed was most impressive. The General's air +was suggestive of dire things, as with dramatic suddenness he +produced from beneath the sideboard two enormous double-edged +battle-axes, which careful polishing had made to shine as new.</p> +<p>"These," said he, "are the weapons which Mr. McTavish has +chosen—weapons of men, such as they use in his own country," +he continued, brandishing one of them savagely. "And the fight will +be on barebacked horses, for such is the custom of the Scotch."</p> +<p>The duel did not occur.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.</h2> +<p>I met the mercurial Gosling at the club a few days ago. As I +hadn't seen him for some time I asked if he had been on a holiday. +"Yes," he said, "down at Shinglestrand. Golfing? No—yes. I +did play one game, the first since the War, and rather a remarkable +game it was. I'm a member of the golf-club there, and was down at +the clubhouse one morning looking at the papers when a fat +middle-aged man, about my age, asked me if I cared for a game. I +didn't, but in a spirit of self-sacrifice said that I should be +very glad. 'I think I ought to tell you,' he went on, 'that I don't +care about playing with a 18-handicap man, and that I always like +to have a sovereign on the match.' Now I never was much of a +player—too erratic, I suppose. My handicap has gone up from +12 to 18, and the last time I played it was about 24. But, +exasperated by his swank, I suddenly found myself saying, 'My +handicap is 12.' 'Very well,' replied the fat man, 'I'll give you 4 +strokes.' We went out to the first tee, and after he had made a +moderate shot I hit the drive of my life. My second landed on the +green and I ran down a long putt—this for a 4-bogey hole. I'm +not going to bore you with details. I won the second and third +holes, and then the fat man went to pieces. I never wanted any of +my strokes and downed him by 5 and 3. As we re-entered the +club-house my partner, who had become strangely silent, walked up +to the board which gives the list of handicaps and looked at them. +There was my name with 18 opposite it. 'I thought you said your +handicap was 12,' he observed. 'Well,' I answered, 'it wasn't more +than that this morning.' The fat man was very angry. He said he +would report me to the committee, and he did. But the secretary +(who happens to be my brother) played up nobly. He communicated +with the secretary of the fat man's club, whom he happened to know, +and, having found out that the fat man's handicap was not 6 but 12, +he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that 'the lies had +been equally bad on both sides' the committee did not propose to +take any action. The fat man got no change out of my brother and I +kept my sovereign."</p> +<hr /> +<h3>The Globe Trotters.</h3> +<blockquote>"Mr. and Mrs. ——, of Knysna, are on a visit +to Knysna."—<i>South African Paper.</i></blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page125" name="page125"></a>[pg +125]</span> +<div class="figure" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p>THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY +TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A +NOTICE THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>V.A.D.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro</p> +<p>With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go;</p> +<p>She's as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury,</p> +<p>And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind,</p> +<p>But they wasn't born just yesterday and lets you know their +mind;</p> +<p>The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be,</p> +<p>But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>She's a honourable miss because 'er father is a dook,</p> +<p>But, Lord, you'd never guess it and it ain't no good to look</p> +<p>For 'er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see</p> +<p>She ain't an advertiser, not <i>our</i> V.A.D.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer's canteen</p> +<p>And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen;</p> +<p>She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee,</p> +<p>And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>She's the lightest 'and at dressin's and she polishes the +floor,</p> +<p>She feeds Bill Smith who'll never never use 'is 'ands no +more;</p> +<p>And we're all of us supporters of the harristocracy</p> +<p>'Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl,</p> +<p>What's survived from killin' Germans, will take 'er for 'is +girl;</p> +<p>They'll go and see the pictures and then 'ave shrimps and +tea;</p> +<p>'E's a lucky man as gets 'er—and don't I wish 'twas +me!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> +<p>In <i>No Man's Land</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is revealed a +breadth of vision which may astonish some of us who have been +inclined to regard SAPPER as merely a talented story-teller. Among +the writers on the War I place him first, for the simple reason +that I like him best; and I am not at all sure that I should like +him any better if he cured himself of his cardinal fault. With his +tongue in his cheek he dashes away from his story to give us either +a long or short digression; no more confirmed digressionist ever +put pen to paper, and the wonderful thing is that these wanton +excursions are worth following. True he often apologises for them, +but I do not think that we need take these apologies seriously. +This book is divided into four parts, "The Way to the Land," "The +Land," "Seed Time," and "Harvest," and in "Seed Time," at any rate, +we have a series of chapters which require not only to be read but +to be thought over. But whether he is out for fun, as in "Bendigo +Jones—His <span class="pagenum"><a id="page126" name= +"page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> Tree," or for pathos, as in +"Morphia," he obtains his effects without the smallest appearance +of effort. And I reserve a special word of praise for "My Lady of +the Jasmine," and commend it to the notice of those pessimists who +hold that only the French and the Americans can write a good short +story. Thank the powers that be for SAPPER.</p> +<hr /> +<p><i>The Loom of Youth</i> (GRANT RICHARDS) is yet another school +story, but with a difference, the difference being, partly at +least, that it is written by one who has so lately ceased to belong +himself to the life described that his account must carry an +authority altogether unusual. Here, one feels, is that strange and +so-soon-forgotten country revealed for us from within, and by a +native denizen. For this alone Mr. ALEC WAUGH'S book merits the +epithet remarkable; indeed, considered as the work of "a lad of +seventeen," its vitality, discretion and general maturity of tone +seem little short of amazing. Realism is the note of it. The modern +schoolboy, as Mr. WAUGH paints him, employs, for example, a +vocabulary whose frequency, and freedom may possibly startle the +parental reader. Apart from this one might call the book an +indictment of hero-worship, as heroism is understood in a society +where (still!) athletic eminence places its possessor above all +laws. This in itself is so old an educational problem that it is +interesting to find it handled afresh in a study of ultra-modern +boyhood. The actual matter of the tale, individual character in its +reaction to system, is naturally common to most school stories; but +even here Mr. WAUGH has contrived to give an ending both original +and sincere. Prophecy is dangerous; but from a writer who has +proved so brilliantly that, for once, <i>jeunesse peut</i>, one +seems justified in hoping that enlarged experience will result in +work of the highest quality.</p> +<hr /> +<p>Quite a host of moral reflections, none of them very original, +flock to one's mind in considering by what devious ways our Italian +allies came to range themselves on the side of that freedom which +they have always loved as well and bravely as any of the rest of +us. For instance—a very stale reflection—one sees +Germany overdoing her own cleverness and under-rating that of her +neighbours—this more especially in her arrogant dominance of +Italy's commerce; further, one notices the Hun's Belgian +brutalities costing him dear in a quarter least expected; and again +one realises Italy's decision as a thing mainly dependent, in spite +of all Germany's taking little ways, on a righteous hatred of +Austria—a consideration which brings one surprisingly near to +gratitude towards the big-bully Government of Vienna. Our southern +ally's loyalty to her beautiful "unredeemed" provinces, and her +claim, which all right-minded Englishmen (I include myself) most +heartily endorse, to dominate the historically Italian waters of +the Adriatic, happily proved too strong for a machine-made sympathy +for Berlin based on nothing better than a superficial resemblance +between the histories of Piedmont and Prussia, and a record of +nominal alliance with powers whose respect for paper treaties was +always fairly apparent. All the same, in reading Mr. W. KAY +WALLACE'S essay in recent history, <i>Greater Italy</i> +(CONSTABLE), a volume which I cannot too strongly commend for its +admirable way of telling these and similar things, I am struck most +of all by the super-incumbent mass of Germanism that had to be +burst asunder before the true Italy broke free. The story of that +liberation is romance of an amazing order, for in it one sees the +very soul of a great and ancient people struggling to renewal of +life. It is more than good to have such an ally, it is an +inspiration.</p> +<hr /> +<p>If you wish to complete your knowledge of the working of our new +armies and learn something of the business of the A.S.C. you can do +so without being bored in <i>L. of C.</i> (CONSTABLE), by Captain +JAMES AGATE. The author is one of that bright band of Mancunians +which <i>The Manchester Guardian</i> has attached to its august +fringes. He writes of the business in hand, the vagaries of stores +and indents and mere men and brass hats, on this and the other side +of the Channel, all with a very light and engaging pen, and then +spreads himself on any old far-off thing that interests him, such +as the theatre, perhaps a little self-consciously and with a +pleasant air of swagger most forgivable and, indeed, enjoyable. His +chief preoccupation is with art and letters, it is clear; but, +turning from them to the handling of urgent things and difficult +men, he faces the business manfully. Of the men in particular he +has illuminating things to say, redounding to their credit and, by +implication, to his. To those who appreciate form in penwork this +book may be safely recommended.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt= +"" /></a> <i>Allotment Tripper.</i> "THIS HERE NORTH SEA DON'T HALF +WANT WEEDING."</div> +<hr /> +<h3>The Welcome.</h3> +<blockquote>"Mr. F.H. ——, the newly co-opted member of +the Hampstead Board of Guardians, attended his first meeting of the +Board on Thursday, and lost his umbrella."—<i>Hampstead and +Highgate Express.</i></blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote><center>"BEET COMMISSION CONCLUDES BUSINESS.</center> +Petrograd, July 9.—Except for a few final +conferences with the members of the Russian Government, the work +here of the Root Commission virtually has been concluded."<br /> +<i>The Daily Gleaner (Jamaica).</i></blockquote> +<p>How headlines jump to conclusions! The Hon. ELIHU ROOT is, we +feel confident, anything but beet.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From a Parish Magazine:—</p> +<blockquote>"BOY SCOUTS.—The troop held their annual sports +on Saturday.... The burden of arrangements for all fell upon the +Scoutmaster (Rev. ——), and showed how great is the need +for him to have some capable assistants."</blockquote> +<p>Still, was it quite tactful to say so?</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, Aug 15, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 11169-h.htm or 11169-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/6/11169/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, Sandra Brown +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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