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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14707-0.txt b/14707-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c34d1f --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1249 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14707-h.htm or 14707-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h/14707-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +JUNE 11, 1892 + + + + + + + +A DAY AT ANTWERP. + +(BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR.") + +_In the Place Verte._--"The traveller," according to _Bædeker_, +"should at once direct his steps to the Cathedral." Not going to be +bullied by _Bædeker_! Shall assert my independence by directing steps +somewhere else first. Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an +elderly ghost with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever +knew all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment +of "_The Heavens are Telling_," tripped up by the "_Old Hundredth_," +and falling over "_Haydn's Surprise_." Ghost tries back, and just as +she seems about to arrive at something definite--suddenly gives it +up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small +but highly intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on +volunteering services. (Why aren't _our_ street-boys taught French +and German in Board Schools?--make all the difference to foreigners +in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of heroic-sized scriptural statues, +introduces me to "Moïse," "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of +him--but I wish he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with +indignation. Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He +informs me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there +are "RUBENS' peecture--moch fine," and plainly proposes to conduct +me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again--so accept. Boy clumps +on ahead, down alleys, and through back-streets, and round corners, +looking round severely at intervals to see that I am not giving him +the slip. Nice friendly little fellow--but despotic. Don't seem to be +much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring disposition.... +At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank him, with apologies +for taking him so much out of his way. Boy demands two francs. Hint, +as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value +of his time and society somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty +centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can +_not_ go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy harassing my rear +like this! So undignified. However, shall find sanctuary with "Sin +Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a distance--chuckling, I am afraid. +Shall walk on--not _hurrying_, but briskly. Boy gone at last--thank +goodness!--with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!" + +[Illustration: "Rosbif!"] + +_In the Cathedral._--Being shown round by Sacristan, in company with +two respectable young Britons. "You shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," +says Sacristan, "paint by RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen +hondert florin." Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with +their tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," +explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads, +check it as correct, and evidently feel increased respect for RUBENS +as capable-for an artist--of driving a good bargain. "RUBENS baint +him ven he vas seexteen," which younger Briton considers "very +_creditable_ to him, too!" They inspect the High Altar, with more +clucks, and inform one another, with the air of Protestants who are +above prejudice, that it's a marvellous piece o' _work_, though, mind +yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ is +blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de 'oles, so all +be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" First Briton remarks +to me that "That's a rum start, and no mistake." I agree that it _is_ +a rum start. I shall find myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you +scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan +asks us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of +one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is not +dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. Second Briton +agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His Companion admits +"They've got old GLADSTONE there to a _t_"--but adds that "come +to _that_, it might do for _either of_ 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is +opposite, but, as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only +vas gif him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the +Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in +de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, _now_ you see him. +Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, _ve_ know, yust a marble-garvings--a baw +releff!' I dell you, nodings of de kindt. All so flat as a biece +of vite baper--com close op. Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons +deeply impressed by this and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that +their own Cathedrals "ain't _in_ it." "Look at the _value_ of the +things they've _got_ 'ere, you know," they say to me, clucking, and +then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest way to the Zoo. + +_At Table d'hôte._--Fellow-countrymen to the fore; both my immediate +neighbours English, but neither shows any inclination to converse. +Rather glad of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive--but +exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book +intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and dismally +contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It +_is_ a depressing object--but why look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen +opposite on being offered snipe. "Snipe _now_--Great Scott!" they +exclaim, "And ain't they _high_ too?" One helps himself to some, with +a sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But even +_his_ courage fails on being offered stewed apricots with it. Close +by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, and a talkative young +fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. Elder man listens to him +with a grim and wooden forbearance. "Ez fur languages," the younger +man is saying. "I'd undertake to learn any language inside of six +months. Fur enstance, I got up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me +that _isn't_ a language, and that's so, but take _Latin_ now, I'd +learn Latin--to write _and_ speak--in a year, Italian I'd learn in a +fortnight--with constant _study_, you understand. Then there's German. +Well. I cann't _read_ German--not in their German text, I cann't, and +I don't _speak_ it with fluency, but I can ask my _way_ in it, and +order anything _I_ want, and I reckon that's about as much as a man +requires to know of any language. Will you take a glass of wine outer +my bottle? I've another coming along." Elder man declines stiffly, on +plea that he is almost a teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says +the Harvard man, "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all +right in the morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you +overnight. I'll tell you what that thing _is_. It's just persly--plain +ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' fresh persly first thing +you get up, and it don't matter _what_ you've taken, you'll feel just +as _bright_!" Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very +small pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself +vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude to by a +means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." After which he +subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut up. + +_In the Fumoir._--Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their +minds where to go next. Shall they stay at Antwerp for a day or +two, or go over to Brussels, or go back to Calais and stay there, or +_what_? "Calais is on their way _home_, anyhow," says one, and the +other, without attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to +_see_ at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says his friend: +"all these places much about the same." "Well," says the first, +yawning, "shall we stay where we _are_?" "Just as _you_ please," says +the other. "No; but what would _you_ rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm +entirely in _your_ hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse +with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, "it's +dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, "then you +leave it to _me_--is _that_ it?" "Haven't I been saying so all along!" +growls the other. Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently +forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks +up with relief. "_Well_," he says, very slowly, "what do _you_ think +about it?" Whereupon they begin all over again. This indecision is +catching--leave them. + +_In the Street--about_ 11:30 P.M.--Back from Variety Theatre. Hotel +doors closed. Have rung several times--no result at present. Curious +impression that I shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for +this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in--chilly out +here. _Is_ there a night-porter? If not--awkward. Carillon again from +Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to recollect a whole tune at last, +picking it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before--what the +Dickens _is_ it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the +VOKES Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not +exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... Unbolting +behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter +penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish him good-night +instead--pleasantly. Porter grunts--_un_pleasantly. Depressing to be +grunted at the last thing at night. To bed, chastened. + + * * * * * + +THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE. + + [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful + but tyrannously ubiquitous "_Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!_" is + beginning, at last, to wane.] + +_She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and wondering what +she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into familiar strains:--_ + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_What will you do, Love?_" + + What shall I do now? My song was going + Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond; + What shall I do, though, when critics hide it, + And cads deride it who're now so fond? + "Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" deriding!-- + Nought is abiding--that's sadly true! + I'll pray for another Sensation Notion. + With deep emotion--that's what I'll do! + + (_Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively_):-- + +AIR--"_The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls._" + + The harp that once through Music Halls + Sheer maddening rapture shed, + Now hangs as mute on willow-walls + As though that Boom were dead. + So dims the pride of former days, + So fame's fine thrill is o'er, + And throngs who once yelled high with praise, + Now find the Boom a bore. + + No more to toffs and totties bright + Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell. + The gloom that hailed my turn to-night + Sad tales of "staleness" tell. + The Chorus now will seldom wake, + The old mad cheers who gives? + And LOTTIE some new ground must break + To prove that still she lives. + +_She harketh back to the old strain:--_ + + What would you do now if distant tidings, + Thy fame's confidings should undermine,-- + Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies, + In the public eyes yet more bright than thine? + Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame + On my new-made name, and it can't be true. + This far fame of mine, did some rival share it, + I could not bear it--what _would_ I do? + + What would you do, now, if home returning, + With anger burning at the fickle crew, + You found the prospect of another Boom, + To dispel your gloom--ah! what would you do? + Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow + And banish sorrow, and raise my "screw." + I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the willow, + And with tears my pillow no more bedew. + + * * * * * + +TO BE, OR NOT TO BE--DISCOVERED! + + SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the + General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._ + +_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for +Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the +better for having your assistance. + +_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for +Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have +determined to retire from the contest. + +_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for +years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for +the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for +Parliament--absolutely cut out for it! + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the +Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up. + +_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own? + +_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame) +that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples. + +_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished? + +_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received +(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my +cheeks--a severe reprimand! + +_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a +slander? + +_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was +once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was +intoxicated! + +_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that? + +_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the +Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds +of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the +circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator! + +_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly +what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times +a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a +fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible. + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that +divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You +are safe, and I am not. + +_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the +question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small? + +_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out! + + [_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily + triumphant._ + + * * * * * + +A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH. + + ["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."--_Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright + Action "Walter_ v. _Steinkopff_."] + + So "Stand and deliver!" will not _quite_ do + In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; + And if you are caught on the Queen's highway, + With a something for which you've omitted to pay, + No use to try putting in--under your breath-- + The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! + + Thanks to the _Times_ and to Justice NORTH! + The highway--of-News--may be clearer henceforth + Of robber daring and footpad sly. + To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, + Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, + Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak, + And he shall not shelter himself beneath + The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. + + _Autolycus_ now must buy his wares, + And not with his neighbours go (_gratis_) shares. + "Thou shalt not steal--not even brains," + Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains. + Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the _Times_! + Plain new definitions of ancient crimes + Are needful now when robbers unsheath + The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath! + + * * * * * + +OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE. + +[Illustration] + + CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine, + Ici tu viens en souveraine, + Where "Britons never will be slaves," + And "BRITANNIA rules the waves." + (Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE. + + GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY, + KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY; + WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY, + GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!] + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."--A Junior urging a ridiculous +plea. + + * * * * * + +THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.--_Hugo_ in future is to be remembered as +"_Victor Hugo_." + + * * * * * + +OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a +remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence.] + +_Monday._--GOUNOD's _Roméo et Juliette_. _Les deux frères_ ("Brothers +of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, excellent respectively as _Romeo_ +and _Friar Laurent_. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but +eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother JOHN, +in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy +a _Romeo_ that his appearance must have first excited _Juliet's_ pity, +which we all know is akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is +to "lighten the part," and "do it on his head,"--which, being summed +up, means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. _Juliette Eames_ +charming. _Nurse Bauermeister_ too young. _Tybalt Montariol_, when +killed, must not lie "toes up" too close to Curtain. Friendly members +of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have +suffered. M. DUFRICHE, as _Mercutio_, mistaken for EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. +Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only +complicates matters, but death of _Mercutio_ settles it. The survivor +is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, late of English Comic Opera, +appears as the _Duke of Verona_, and everyone admires his Grace. + +[Illustration: Vaults on both sides.] + +_Tuesday._--_Orféo._ Everyone talking of to-morrow's Derby. Bets +"taken and Orf-"eo. + +_Wednesday._--_Derby Day Night_--celebrated by performance of +_Philemon_ and _Cavalleria_. Both favourites. But in honour of the +winner _Hugo_, the Opera ought to have been the _Hugo-nots._ + +_Thursday_.--_Lohengrin._ _Rentrée_ of Madame NORDICA as _Elsa_, who +couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. _Lohengrin_ is "The Johnnie +of the Opera," i.e., JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he +appear in dark hair as in _Romeo_; but as a Knight light, suitable to +the time of year. + +_Friday._--_Il Vascello Fantasma_, which is the _Flying Dutchman_ +with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charming +_Senta_--quite an Eighty-per-_Senta_--of attraction. Awful appearance +of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing conversation +in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old Epsom Salts," +talking about _Flying Dutchman's_ year, 1849, + +_Saturday._--Progress reported generally. MELBA very good. Miss +EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House counted out by midnight. +DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby Week. + + * * * * * + +THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. + +We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn't they +jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true +gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves hoarse when +the LORD MARE got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, +not by no means, or they woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls +their Nashnal Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears +cum into my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him +glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a werry +nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave out their +pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, out of site out of +mind! but they makes up for it by calling the Land of their Fathers, +their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end. + +The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit song, +"Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "_Poor_ MARY ANN!" so I should +think indeed. + +I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no gent by the +name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized. + +I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General Gimrig," +which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all no afore what a +wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales is. Why we had about a +duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn't rayther +a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns +to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of +Welch Mares. + +I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch enthusyasm +and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin _our_ Nashnal +Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their recepshun of the LORD MARE +when he guv 'em the Toast of the hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung +to their feet, Bishups, and Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and +M.P.'s and all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and +then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I +wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em. + +BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fun. +When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was rayther too +long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, they began +for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and +reel cut glasses, meaning to say, "That's about enuff," but the pore +delewded Horrator thort it meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" +So he kep it up till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he +kindly sat down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded +me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. +"Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," and I +takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As our Grate Poet +says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane as you are"! Upon the +whole, I wentures to think as the Welch Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord +Mare EVANS, was about the most sucksessful as I have ewer assisted +at during my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by +saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his +hand in the same Nashnal way. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A TIP-TOP TIPSTER. + + [In some spirited verses that appeared in the _Sportsman_, on + the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN TREW-HAY, alone amongst the + prophets, selected _Sir Hugo_ as the winner.] + + Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his fun, + For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one, + And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You go + To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for _Sir Hugo_. + But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh, + That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean chaff. + Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can rue + That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was TREW! + + * * * * * + +"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."--He had had two basins of Turtle. He +asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" was the Waiter's +answer. The Alderman said not a word; he smiled a sickly smile. There +was no help for it, or "no helping of it," as he truthfully put it. He +would do his best with the remainder of the _menu_. The resignation of +the Alderman was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the +City Waiter. + + * * * * * + +BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW. + +(_A FABLE SOMEWHAT IN THE FASHION OF "UNCLE REMUS," BUT WITH +APPLICATIONS NEARER HOME._) + +[Illustration] + + Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail, + Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee, + "Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter see!" + En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail. + "Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer, + So's ter know w'at's w'at; en _yer_ needn't fear!" + "Oho! Oho!" + Sez Ole Man Crow. + "But der Irish butter I've a notion dat _I_ know!" + + Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce, + But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce. + "Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?" + Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee; + "Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove + Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder free; + Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM + Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam! + Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet-- + Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet! + Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow, + Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!" + + Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown. + Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," sezee. + "But yer better come down, + Der is foes a broozin' roun' + W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North Countree. + You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North yo' pitch, + For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in der las' ditch!" + + Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee, + "You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' atter me; + But I speck you done come to de end er de row. + You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man Crow. + "I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near dis rail. + You wun't tempt me wid de butter--or der powder--on yo' tail. + Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze, + For dis is de way de worril goes; + Some goes up en some goes down. + _You_'ll get ter de bottom all safe en soun'! + I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en den, + En--well, I'll try ter _look_, des as _frightened_ as I ken!" + + * * * * * + +The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that Captain +FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a Vane attempt. +"The chance," said the _Times_, "of such a prize as Raby Castle, with +£60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a man to think his arguments and +claims are better than they really are." Raby Castle on the brain +would soon become a sort of Rabies. + + * * * * * + +HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR. + +(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR. +PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._) + + SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and + the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._ + +_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to +the story that has so much interested me? + +_Ghost._ It is! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton and a rock becomes transparent, + displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_] + +_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met +thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle. +And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King! +Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real +poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how +it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._) +And canst thou show me more? + +_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a tableau + representing the Burial of OPHELIA._ + +_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that +were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired +to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic +Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more! + + [_The vision fades away like its predecessor._ + +_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time. +And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and +no more! Thou wilt remember! + +_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so +I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will! + + _Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._ + +_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor +at to-day's trial of skill! + +_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He +and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! + +_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do +love thee. + +_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and +mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils! + +_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons! + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this +one! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be +ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The +cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time +will come! I triumph! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._ + +_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs! + + [_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are + exchanged._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup. + +_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I +will crush a cup with thee, later! + +_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother, +boy! That makes six. The limit's reached! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good +LAERTES, I am at thy service. + + [_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._ + +_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit! + +_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee! + + [_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES. + +_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._ + +_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute! + + [_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._ + +_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the +King. [_Dies._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time +is all but up! + +_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell, +farewell, a long farewell to all my-- + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up! + + (_Quick Curtain_) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST. + +_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his +Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S +IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"] + + * * * * * + +"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED." + + SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY + (Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter + has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another + four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the + (Cricket) saying is._ + +_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR! + +_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_). Ah! bit of a fluke. + +_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke, + But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down. + +_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he + will frown, + And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care, + Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there. + Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_! + I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars + At their flashy young favourite? + +_Bowler_ (_aside_). Humph! he lays on! + I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone. + 'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort. + Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport, + As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case + When he bowled and PILCH batted. + +_Champion Bat_ (_aside_). Just twig HARCOURT's face! + Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"-- + If I gave him a chance? + +_Captain_. He's a fine slogging bat, + But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score + Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more + Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard + Will be rhyming your doings! + +_Champion Bat_. An awful "reward"! + But shall we play on? + +_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, now, what do you think? + From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink, + But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win: + They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in. + Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed. + Suppose we declare that our innings is closed? + + [_Left considering it._ + + * * * * * + +"PROBABLE STARTERS." + +The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost. + +The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected +appearance in the Kitchen. + +Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to +business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to +face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock. + +LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband. + + * * * * * + +"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a +conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial +Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have +settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I +beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just +returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and +back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission +to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to +him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely +relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of +refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street, +Charing Cross. + + * * * * * + +"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by +Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton +College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea. + + * * * * * + +CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's" +Prophecies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED." + +RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS +INNINGS _CLOSED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +NO. XI.--THE DUFFER IN LOVE. + +Mrs. MCDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this confession +is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was pretty, and when I +do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such a case?), she +remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty +or not. This appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the +flank of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it is +not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason +with a woman. If you score a point (and how many times one sees an +opening in the fair one's harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or +both, and there is no repartee to that _ultima ratio_. + +[Illustration: "It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of +female voices."] + +I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; pleasant, +and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities yet. I do not +believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades himself that he was +a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another +person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred +someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow--But Fortune forbid +that we should meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of +CECILIA. I had some,--an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and +other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in +my absence that bureau was traded away for a new æsthetic article, +relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet bought the piece +of furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is +what makes me uncomfortable. If CECILIA sees the poem in one of the +Magazines, and remembers the incidents which the souvenirs recall, +she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I +wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded +their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated. + +I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each other at +dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in novels,--she +knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, like me, she was very fond +of field sports. I flattered myself that she did not find my company +uncongenial. In the evening there was a little dance: I don't dance, +or at least, it was some time since I had danced, not in fact since +the used to make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated +it! However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, +though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously +so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know how they describe +waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. +Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. Well, it was not at all like that. + +I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was a buzz. +I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy.... When +I recovered my senses, it was _not_ to find the dark grey eyes of +CECILIA bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not +there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow. + +Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now I could +not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I always +passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting apples, +and reading _Ivanhoe_. These were among my happiest hours. However, +I did not tell CECILIA that I could not skate. I pretended (it seemed +safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise skating. +Besides I had work, literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss +AUSTEN. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I +was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair of +"Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and buckles +of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where nobody came, and +thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a bed-room chair. They say +that pushing a chair in front of you is a good way to learn. My terror +was extreme; it would be awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, +stealing a bed-room chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of +CECILIA I was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry +ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I +sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. +It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury +donning his winged shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew +blue as I struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain +that my boots were in fault. + +There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned, +to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose +to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the +case, viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the +chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same +time of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,--but +he promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home +without delay: and he was as good as his word. + +This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my room. I +walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to work again: +gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was wholly unprepared +for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even though forewarned to +some extent by the painful experiences of _Mr. Winkle_. I had read +that the skater "is very highly favoured when contending with the +great enemy of motion, viz., friction," a proposition which I found +to be perfectly true. My legs developed separatist tendencies, and +started on independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in +a position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for the +chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape across the +ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was while thus engaged +that I heard a sound of female voices, and, lo! there were CECILIA and +two other girls, who had heard of this pond in the wood, and come to +try it. I presented a singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room +chair in the middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should +never be ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to +be frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could I +offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all this for +her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped +to make myself more worthy of "figuring" in her society. But, as a +matter of fact, I never got so far as figures. + +Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of riding +with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. BROWNING. I +don't like to speak about it. When we got off the road on to the turf +my horse began to kick and plunge. I have read that it is not right, +but I did what I always do, I held on by the pummel. Would _you_ not +hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake. It felt like a young and +lively earthquake. We came home soon, _CECILIA leading my horse_. +People staying in the house met us. + +I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like _Sir Andrew Aguecheek_, +"It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the odds were probably +even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines meet thine eyes, thou wilt +know that one heart still is true. In another life, less begirt by +material difficulties, we may meet amongst the asphodel, where there +is no opportunity for the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. +Till then, _au revoir_! + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts, in a +goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French, with +a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great +compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being "_très Czech_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE. + +(_An Aristocratic Tip._) + +_The New Companion_ (_fresh from Girtham College_). "YES, LADY JANE, +I SAW _H_ER, WITH _H_ER _H_ABITUAL _H_YPOCRISY _H_OLDING OUT _H_ER +_H_AND TO _H_IS AS _H_E WAS _H_ARANGUING AT _H_IS _H_OTEL--" + +_Lady Jane._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN YOUR H'S SO +CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER +DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PICK 'EM UP!" [_And People +wouldn't be very far wrong._] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Of my two selections to supply the last Horse in the +Derby--one--_La Flêche_, so far forgot what was due to my prophetic +utterances as to finish _second_--and indeed, very nearly _win_! +However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the absurd +wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers will see that no +blame attaches to _me_--as the mare would doubtless not have hurried +so much had she been left to her own devices--(the sex notoriously +dislikes hurry)--it being a well-known fact that she would make a +race with a donkey!--though why donkey races should be spoken of with +such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one with Lord ARTHUR +on Hampstead Heath--(it was during our engagement, when people will +do foolish things; we had been "slumming," and he was disguised in +"pearlies," whilst I was gowned "_à la_ 'ARRIETT")--and I assure you +our Donkeys went very fast. However--this is a digression--as the man +said when he walked over the cliff, so let us "_noch einmal zu unser +schafen_," as the German proverb runs. Although disappointed in the +behaviour of _La Flêche_, my second string _Llanthony_ maintained +my reputation for correct tips, by running _last_, as I said he +would!--It is true that some papers report him as having finished +seventh and _El Diablo_ last; but as he did not _win_, he might just +as well have been last as seventh--and as I am sure my friend Lord +ELTHAM will not mind the placings being reversed--I therefore place +_Llanthony_ last--and those of my readers who took my advice and +backed him, will have every reason to congratulate themselves when +they draw their money! + +With regard to the winner, _Sir Hugo_, whose success was a general +surprise to all except myself--(surprise is bad form)--I can only +follow the example of all other writers on turf matters in declaring +that, "he always had my good word, and was in fact my winter +favourite, as anyone can see who will take the trouble to glance +through my earlier advices!"--these will be difficult to find, as +they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be published +until my biography is written later on!--(very much, I hope). Still, +had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to tip the _Winner_, _Sir +Hugo_ would undoubtedly have been my sole selection--a fact which +should not fail to weigh with my followers--and I _have_ followers +in plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows! + +Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to +get ready for Ascot--(four new gowns to try on)--and besides there +are some smart parties to attend next week, so Doncaster will not be +blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on +the Press _who can be trusted_. So, in concluding this letter with +my selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able to +recommend it _very_ strongly, as my friend will do the placing; and +as _I_ am not there, no collusion can be suspected! + +I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom Downs for +the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I should like to see +done away with, namely, the so-called "glove contests"--which to my +mind are not calculated to advance "England's greatness" nor are they +pleasing to look on at. The "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly +a fine thing, but is hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes +heroes of Dusky Warriors! + +I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to have a most +successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable absence of Royalty; +indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over--and as I shall +be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness +LUTHER VON MONTAG, I hope to collect some valuable information for my +betting readers. + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +THE TIP. + + To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup + Is a thing for which jockeys might quarrel! + But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg up," + He's content to be _last_ on "_Balmoral_." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty +assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on +Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr. +G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all +other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer +pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the +line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father +was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the +circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the +brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality +of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a +wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is +going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the +best man." + +[Illustration: Truculent Tim.] + +Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind +admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word +Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince +ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr. +G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient +circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session; +the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then +the same precaution been observed. + +"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented +on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't +mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is +carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a +Parliament whose days are numbered." + +SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though +under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it +before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock. +SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for +the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night +or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and +sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that +might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of +JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _à propos_ of the +Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either +a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. +"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that +was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by +one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would +depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill +read Second Time. + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL +SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892. + +_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose +the personality of the spectators._] + +_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's +Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling. +A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person +of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A +desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly +to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by +watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his +truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby +Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON +by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval; +GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in +Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain. +With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a +success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE +had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here +again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred? + +"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to +second the Amendment?" + +Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative +proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore +ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back +up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the +Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered. + +This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House, +wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was +a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would +he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the +position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone, +manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever +enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect +anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the +Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID +LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that +abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had +his jest, and the Opposition had his estate. + +_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against +144. + +[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)] + +_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met +shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me. +"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the +place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly +afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will +not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new +Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among +other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left. +I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in +my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers +saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for +forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE +pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that +House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the +close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is, +I will admit, soothing." + +(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in +with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but +isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll +excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again +little later." + +[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."] + +(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells +ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't +lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch +half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present; +must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, +"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again +retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured +there are forty Members present." + +SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before +House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES +determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER +wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a +fiver. + +(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES +looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But +arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and +ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES +KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on +picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds +only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see +why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says +ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and +profitable afternoon." + +_Business done._--House not made. + +_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but +at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday. +"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the +Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the +rate of five miles an hour. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his +bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts +up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and +perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiæ_ to +say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part +of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners +suspend payment; we suspend judgment. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet +sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent +to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's +dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the +letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, +"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a +Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?" + + * * * * * + +"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it +with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along +in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, +is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of +advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares." + + * * * * * + +FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things +better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays; +but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London, +Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard, +but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up." + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her +Majesty takes a Deesided course. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 *** diff --git a/14707-h/14707-h.htm b/14707-h/14707-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9484d8c --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/14707-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1837 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 11, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +June 11, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 11, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" + id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + + <h2>A DAY AT ANTWERP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By the "Vacuus Viator."</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>In the Place Verte.</i>—"The traveller," according + to <i>Bædeker</i>, "should at once direct his steps to the + Cathedral." Not going to be bullied by <i>Bædeker</i>! Shall + assert my independence by directing steps somewhere else first. + Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an elderly ghost + with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever knew + all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment + of "<i>The Heavens are Telling</i>," tripped up by the "<i>Old + Hundredth</i>," and falling over "<i>Haydn's Surprise</i>." + Ghost tries back, and just as she seems about to arrive at + something definite—suddenly gives it up as hopeless. To + Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small but highly + intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on + volunteering services. (Why aren't <i>our</i> street-boys + taught French and German in Board Schools?—make all the + difference to foreigners in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of + heroic-sized scriptural statues, introduces me to "Moïse," + "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of him—but I wish + he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with indignation. + Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He informs + me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there + are "RUBENS' peecture—moch fine," and plainly proposes to + conduct me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again—so + accept. Boy clumps on ahead, down alleys, and through + back-streets, and round corners, looking round severely at + intervals to see that I am not giving him the slip. Nice + friendly little fellow—but despotic. Don't seem to be + much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring + disposition.... At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank + him, with apologies for taking him so much out of his way. Boy + demands two francs. Hint, as delicately as possible, that I + consider this estimate of the value of his time and society + somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty centimes. Boy + abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can + <i>not</i> go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy + harassing my rear like this! So undignified. However, shall + find sanctuary with "Sin Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a + distance—chuckling, I am afraid. Shall walk on—not + <i>hurrying</i>, but briskly. Boy gone at last—thank + goodness!—with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/277.png" + alt="'Rosbif!'" /></a>"Rosbif!" + </div> + + <p><i>In the Cathedral.</i>—Being shown round by + Sacristan, in company with two respectable young Britons. "You + shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," says Sacristan, "paint by + RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen hondert florin." + Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with their + tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," + explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their + heads, check it as correct, and evidently feel increased + respect for RUBENS as capable-for an artist—of driving a + good bargain. "RUBENS baint him ven he vas seexteen," which + younger Briton considers "very <i>creditable</i> to him, too!" + They inspect the High Altar, with more clucks, and inform one + another, with the air of Protestants who are above prejudice, + that it's a marvellous piece o' <i>work</i>, though, mind yer! + Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ + is blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de + 'oles, so all be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" + First Briton remarks to me that "That's a rum start, and no + mistake." I agree that it <i>is</i> a rum start. I shall find + myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you scheen yed de + bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan asks + us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of + one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is + not dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. + Second Briton agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His + Companion admits "They've got old GLADSTONE there to a + <i>t</i>"—but adds that "come to <i>that</i>, it might do + for <i>either of</i> 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is opposite, but, + as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only vas gif + him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the + Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting + in de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, <i>now</i> + you see him. Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, <i>ve</i> know, yust a + marble-garvings—a baw releff!' I dell you, nodings of de + kindt. All so flat as a biece of vite baper—com close op. + Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons deeply impressed by this + and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that their own + Cathedrals "ain't <i>in</i> it." "Look at the <i>value</i> of + the things they've <i>got</i> 'ere, you know," they say to me, + clucking, and then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest + way to the Zoo.</p> + + <p><i>At Table d'hôte.</i>—Fellow-countrymen to the fore; + both my immediate neighbours English, but neither shows any + inclination to converse. Rather glad of it; afternoon of + Museums and Galleries instructive—but exhausting. Usual + Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book + intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and + dismally contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in + front of her. It <i>is</i> a depressing object—but why + look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen opposite on being offered + snipe. "Snipe <i>now</i>—Great Scott!" they exclaim, "And + ain't they <i>high</i> too?" One helps himself to some, with a + sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But + even <i>his</i> courage fails on being offered stewed apricots + with it. Close by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, + and a talkative young fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. + Elder man listens to him with a grim and wooden forbearance. + "Ez fur languages," the younger man is saying. "I'd undertake + to learn any language inside of six months. Fur enstance, I got + up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me that <i>isn't</i> a + language, and that's so, but take <i>Latin</i> now, I'd learn + Latin—to write <i>and</i> speak—in a year, Italian + I'd learn in a fortnight—with constant <i>study</i>, you + understand. Then there's German. Well. I cann't <i>read</i> + German—not in their German text, I cann't, and I don't + <i>speak</i> it with fluency, but I can ask my <i>way</i> in + it, and order anything <i>I</i> want, and I reckon that's about + as much as a man requires to know of any language. Will you + take a glass of wine outer my bottle? I've another coming + along." Elder man declines stiffly, on plea that he is almost a + teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says the Harvard man, + "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all right in the + morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you + overnight. I'll tell you what that thing <i>is</i>. It's just + persly—plain ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' + fresh persly first thing you get up, and it don't matter + <i>what</i> you've taken, you'll feel just as <i>bright</i>!" + Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very small + pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself + vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude + to by a means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." + After which he subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut + up.</p> + + <p><i>In the Fumoir.</i>—Two drearily undecided men + trying to make up their minds where to go next. Shall they stay + at Antwerp for a day or two, or go over to Brussels, or go back + to Calais and stay there, or <i>what</i>? "Calais is on their + way <i>home</i>, anyhow," says one, and the other, without + attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to + <i>see</i> at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says + his friend: "all these places much about the same." "Well," + says the first, yawning, "shall we stay where we <i>are</i>?" + "Just as <i>you</i> please," says the other. "No; but what + would <i>you</i> rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm entirely in + <i>your</i> hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse + with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, + "it's dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, + "then you leave it to <i>me</i>—is <i>that</i> it?" + "Haven't I been saying so all along!" growls the other. Second + Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently forcing himself to + come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks up with + relief. "<i>Well</i>," he says, very slowly, "what do + <i>you</i> think about it?" Whereupon they begin all over + again. This indecision is catching—leave them.</p> + + <p><i>In the Street—about</i> 11:30 P.M.—Back from + Variety Theatre. Hotel doors closed. Have rung several + times—no result at present. Curious impression that I + shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for this to-morrow + and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in—chilly out + here. <i>Is</i> there a night-porter? If not—awkward. + Carillon again from Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to + recollect a whole tune at last, picking it out with one finger. + Seem to have heard it before—what the Dickens <i>is</i> + it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the VOKES + Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not + exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... + Unbolting behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to + assure Porter penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish + him good-night instead—pleasantly. Porter + grunts—<i>un</i>pleasantly. Depressing to be grunted at + the last thing at night. To bed, chastened.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" + id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + + <h2>THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously + successful but tyrannously ubiquitous + "<i>Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!</i>" is beginning, at last, to + wane.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and + wondering what she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into + familiar strains:—</i></p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/278-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>What will you do, Love?</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What shall I do now? My song was going</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a tide flowing, all Booms + beyond;</p> + + <p>What shall I do, though, when critics hide it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cads deride it who're now so + fond?</p> + + <p>"Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" + deriding!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Nought is abiding—that's sadly + true!</p> + + <p>I'll pray for another Sensation Notion.</p> + + <p class="i2">With deep emotion—that's what I'll + do!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(<i>Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively</i>):—</p> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s + Halls.</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The harp that once through Music Halls</p> + + <p class="i2">Sheer maddening rapture shed,</p> + + <p>Now hangs as mute on willow-walls</p> + + <p class="i2">As though that Boom were dead.</p> + + <p>So dims the pride of former days,</p> + + <p class="i2">So fame's fine thrill is o'er,</p> + + <p>And throngs who once yelled high with praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now find the Boom a bore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more to toffs and totties bright</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell.</p> + + <p>The gloom that hailed my turn to-night</p> + + <p class="i2">Sad tales of "staleness" tell.</p> + + <p>The Chorus now will seldom wake,</p> + + <p class="i2">The old mad cheers who gives?</p> + + <p>And LOTTIE some new ground must break</p> + + <p class="i2">To prove that still she lives.</p> + </div> + </div><i>She harketh back to the old strain:—</i> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What would you do now if distant tidings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy fame's confidings should + undermine,—</p> + + <p>Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies,</p> + + <p class="i2">In the public eyes yet more bright than + thine?</p> + + <p>Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame</p> + + <p class="i2">On my new-made name, and it can't be + true.</p> + + <p>This far fame of mine, did some rival share it,</p> + + <p class="i2">I could not bear it—what + <i>would</i> I do?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What would you do, now, if home returning,</p> + + <p class="i2">With anger burning at the fickle + crew,</p> + + <p>You found the prospect of another Boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">To dispel your gloom—ah! what would + you do?</p> + + <p>Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow</p> + + <p class="i2">And banish sorrow, and raise my + "screw."</p> + + <p>I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the + willow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And with tears my pillow no more + bedew.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO BE, OR NOT TO BE—DISCOVERED!</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Borough.</i> TIME—<i>Within + measurable distance of the General Election. Enter</i> + BROWN <i>and</i> JONES.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown.</i> Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you + purpose standing for Parliament. You are a first-class man, + and the House will be all the better for having your + assistance.</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did + intend to stand for Parliament, but since the Archbishop + has published his letter, I have determined to retire from + the contest.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have + been in the House for years and I assure you I have never + met a more suitable man for the place. Why, my dear JONES, + you are absolutely cut out for Parliament—absolutely + cut out for it!</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>sadly</i>). I wish I could think so. + But alas, no, after the Archbishop's letter, I must, I will + give it up.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> Have you not made the question of the + Criminal Code your own?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> Yes, but I must admit (and I make the + admission with shame) that years ago at school I was + rightly accused of stealing apples.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> And was the accusation believed—were + you punished?</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>struggling with his emotion</i>). Alas! + it was, and I received (from the Bench) a severe reprimand. + It brings the red blood into my cheeks—a severe + reprimand!</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. Then you know all about the Libel + Acts,—you are up in a slander?</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>bitterly</i>). And should I not be? Do + you not know that I was once fined ten shillings and costs + for saying that a drunken cook was intoxicated!</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> Surely there was not much harm in + that?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> It was immoral to call the cook + intoxicated, and the Archbishop says, "that persons + previously condemned on grounds of immorality of all kinds + are not proper legislators." Under the circumstances I have + detailed, I should not be a proper legislator!</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> But look at me! Here am I living a free + life, doing exactly what I please, and deserving the + censure of the Bench five times a week! I will undertake to + say that you are three times as good a fellow as I am; yet + I am as certain of my seat as possible.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>sadly</i>). But there is a gulf between + us—the gulf that divides not-entirely-conscious + innocence and half-imaginary vice. You are safe, and I am + not.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather + let me mend the question—why do you think your chance + of being elected so small?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found + out!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon conventional virtue + perfunctorily triumphant.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."—<i>Justice North's Judgment in the + Copyright Action "Walter</i> v. <i>Steinkopff</i>."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So "Stand and deliver!" will not <i>quite</i> do</p> + + <p>In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two;</p> + + <p>And if you are caught on the Queen's highway,</p> + + <p>With a something for which you've omitted to + pay,</p> + + <p>No use to try putting in—under your + breath—</p> + + <p>The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thanks to the <i>Times</i> and to Justice NORTH!</p> + + <p>The highway—of-News—may be clearer + henceforth</p> + + <p>Of robber daring and footpad sly.</p> + + <p>To stop a coach, or to fake a cly,</p> + + <p>Boldly to lift or astutely sneak,</p> + + <p>Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak,</p> + + <p>And he shall not shelter himself beneath</p> + + <p>The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Autolycus</i> now must buy his wares,</p> + + <p>And not with his neighbours go (<i>gratis</i>) + shares.</p> + + <p>"Thou shalt not steal—not even brains,"</p> + + <p>Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains.</p> + + <p>Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the + <i>Times</i>!</p> + + <p>Plain new definitions of ancient crimes</p> + + <p>Are needful now when robbers unsheath</p> + + <p>The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/278-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine,</p> + + <p>Ici tu viens en souveraine,</p> + + <p>Where "Britons never will be slaves,"</p> + + <p>And "BRITANNIA rules the waves."</p> + + <p>(Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!)</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" + id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/279.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/279.png" + alt="THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE." /></a> + + <h3>THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY,</p> + + <p>KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY;</p> + + <p>WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY,</p> + + <p>GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."—A Junior urging a + ridiculous plea.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.—<i>Hugo</i> in future is to + be remembered as "<i>Victor Hugo</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" + id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> + + <h2>OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/280-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280-1.png" + alt="Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-'cupping' as a remedy." /> + </a>Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a + remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday.</i>—GOUNOD's <i>Roméo et Juliette</i>. + <i>Les deux frères</i> ("Brothers of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, + excellent respectively as <i>Romeo</i> and <i>Friar + Laurent</i>. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but + eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But + Brother JOHN, in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid + face, look so unhealthy a <i>Romeo</i> that his appearance must + have first excited <i>Juliet's</i> pity, which we all know is + akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is to "lighten the + part," and "do it on his head,"—which, being summed up, + means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. <i>Juliette + Eames</i> charming. <i>Nurse Bauermeister</i> too young. + <i>Tybalt Montariol</i>, when killed, must not lie "toes up" + too close to Curtain. Friendly members of Capulet faction + rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have suffered. + M. DUFRICHE, as <i>Mercutio</i>, mistaken for EDOUARD DE + RESZKÉ. Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The + Friar only complicates matters, but death of <i>Mercutio</i> + settles it. The survivor is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, + late of English Comic Opera, appears as the <i>Duke of + Verona</i>, and everyone admires his Grace.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/280-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280-2.png" + alt="Vaults on both sides." /></a>Vaults on both + sides. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<i>Orféo.</i> Everyone talking of + to-morrow's Derby. Bets "taken and Orf-"eo.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Derby Day + Night</i>—celebrated by performance of <i>Philemon</i> + and <i>Cavalleria</i>. Both favourites. But in honour of the + winner <i>Hugo</i>, the Opera ought to have been the + <i>Hugo-nots.</i></p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—<i>Lohengrin.</i> <i>Rentrée</i> of + Madame NORDICA as <i>Elsa</i>, who couldn't be bettered by + anybody Elser. <i>Lohengrin</i> is "The Johnnie of the Opera," + <i>i.e.</i>, JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he + appear in dark hair as in <i>Romeo</i>; but as a Knight light, + suitable to the time of year.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Il Vascello Fantasma</i>, which is + the <i>Flying Dutchman</i> with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely + restored to us as the charming <i>Senta</i>—quite an + Eighty-per-<i>Senta</i>—of attraction. Awful appearance + of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing + conversation in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old + Epsom Salts," talking about <i>Flying Dutchman's</i> year, + 1849,</p> + + <p><i>Saturday.</i>—Progress reported generally. MELBA + very good. Miss EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House + counted out by midnight. DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby + Week.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.</h2> + + <p>We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? + Didn't they jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us + Waiters, as all true gents allus is, and didn't they amost + shout theirselves hoarse when the LORD MARE got up to perpose + the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, not by no means, or they + woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls their Nashnal + Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears cum into + my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him + glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a + werry nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave + out their pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, + out of site out of mind! but they makes up for it by calling + the Land of their Fathers, their Mother country, so it comes + all rite in the end.</p> + + <p>The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their + favrit song, "Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "<i>Poor</i> + MARY ANN!" so I should think indeed.</p> + + <p>I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no + gent by the name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized.</p> + + <p>I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General + Gimrig," which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all + no afore what a wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales + is. Why we had about a duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, + and as if that wosn't rayther a staggerer, we had no less than + four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns to match, about thirty + Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of Welch Mares.</p> + + <p>I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch + enthusyasm and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin + <i>our</i> Nashnal Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their + recepshun of the LORD MARE when he guv 'em the Toast of the + hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung to their feet, Bishups, and + Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and M.P.'s and all, and + shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and then gave + three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I + wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em.</p> + + <p>BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal + bit of fun. When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach + as was rayther too long for them as wanted to heer the lovely + Welch mewsic, they began for to hammer on the table with our + bewtifool silver spoons and reel cut glasses, meaning to say, + "That's about enuff," but the pore delewded Horrator thort it + meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" So he kep it up + till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he kindly sat + down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded me of a + simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. + "Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," + and I takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As + our Grate Poet says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane + as you are"! Upon the whole, I wentures to think as the Welch + Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord Mare EVANS, was about the most + sucksessful as I have ewer assisted at during my menny years of + such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by saying, I should werry + much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his hand in the + same Nashnal way.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A TIP-TOP TIPSTER.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In some spirited verses that appeared in the + <i>Sportsman</i>, on the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN + TREW-HAY, alone amongst the prophets, selected <i>Sir + Hugo</i> as the winner.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his + fun,</p> + + <p>For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to + one,</p> + + <p>And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You + go</p> + + <p>To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for <i>Sir + Hugo</i>.</p> + + <p>But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may + laugh,</p> + + <p>That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean + chaff.</p> + + <p>Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can + rue</p> + + <p>That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was + TREW!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."—He had had two basins of + Turtle. He asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" + was the Waiter's answer. The Alderman said not a word; he + smiled a sickly smile. There was no help for it, or "no helping + of it," as he truthfully put it. He would do his best with the + remainder of the <i>menu</i>. The resignation of the Alderman + was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the City + Waiter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" + id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + + <h2>BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fable somewhat in the fashion of "Uncle Remus," but + with applications nearer home.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281.png" + alt="Brer Fox and Ole Man Crow." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter + see!"</p> + + <p>En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail.</p> + + <p>"Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer,</p> + + <p>So's ter know w'at's w'at; en <i>yer</i> needn't + fear!"</p> + + <p class="i8">"Oho! Oho!"</p> + + <p class="i8">Sez Ole Man Crow.</p> + + <p>"But der Irish butter I've a notion dat <i>I</i> + know!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce,</p> + + <p>But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce.</p> + + <p>"Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?"</p> + + <p class="i4">Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee;</p> + + <p>"Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove</p> + + <p class="i2">Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder + free;</p> + + <p>Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM</p> + + <p>Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam!</p> + + <p>Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet—</p> + + <p>Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet!</p> + + <p>Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow,</p> + + <p>Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim + Crow!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown.</p> + + <p>Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," + sezee.</p> + + <p class="i2">"But yer better come down,</p> + + <p class="i2">Der is foes a broozin' roun'</p> + + <p>W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North + Countree.</p> + + <p>You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North + yo' pitch,</p> + + <p>For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in + der las' ditch!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee,</p> + + <p>"You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' + atter me;</p> + + <p>But I speck you done come to de end er de row.</p> + + <p>You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man + Crow.</p> + + <p>"I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near + dis rail.</p> + + <p>You wun't tempt me wid de butter—or der + powder—on yo' tail.</p> + + <p>Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze,</p> + + <p>For dis is de way de worril goes;</p> + + <p>Some goes up en some goes down.</p> + + <p><i>You</i>'ll get ter de bottom all safe en + soun'!</p> + + <p>I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en + den,</p> + + <p>En—well, I'll try ter <i>look</i>, des as + <i>frightened</i> as I ken!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that + Captain FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a + Vane attempt. "The chance," said the <i>Times</i>, "of such a + prize as Raby Castle, with £60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a + man to think his arguments and claims are better than they + really are." Raby Castle on the brain would soon become a sort + of Rabies.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Prepared for the Halls in compliance with the + suggestions of Mr. Plunket's Committee.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An open space outside Elsinore. View of + the Palace and the Battlements.</i> HAMLET <i>discovered + talking to the</i> Ghost.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Ham.</i> And is it really within thy power to show me + illustrations to the story that has so much interested + me?</p> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> It is! Behold!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He waves his bâton and a rock becomes + transparent, displaying a tableau of the play-scene in + "Hamlet."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It + was after I had met thee, and thou hadst told me the sad + story of thy decease by my Uncle. And then I contrived this + device to catch the conscience of the King! Thou art + sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring + poison—real poison—into thy ear! and look, the + King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how it all comes back to me! + (<i>The rock resumes its normal condition.</i>) And canst + thou show me more?</p> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> Ay, and I will! Behold!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a + tableau representing the Burial of</i> OPHELIA.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>deeply interested</i>). Why, these must + be the maimed rites that were all that was given to my poor + lost love—the lady I desired to visit a + nunnery—to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic + Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The vision fades away like its + predecessor.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> I would, did not the decision of statute + law limit the time. And now I must away. But mind, my + son—six principal characters, and no more! Thou wilt + remember!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (<i>The</i> + Ghost <i>disappears.</i>) And so I have to meet LAERTES at + a fencing-bout. I will!</p> + + <p><i>Trumpets. Enter</i> King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC + <i>and Court.</i></p> + + <p><i>King.</i> HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st + thou be the victor at to-day's trial of skill!</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>heard from below</i>). Remember! Six + principal characters. He and thou and I are three. Three! + Six, and no more!</p> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> (<i>aside</i>). Peace, perturbed + spirit!</p> + + <p><i>Laertes</i> (<i>approaching</i>). My good Lord, I + wish thee well, for I do love thee.</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>from below</i>). Four! + Remember—Four! Six, and no more! and mind the time + goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone!</p> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> (<i>aside</i>). Peace, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) The foils!</p> + + <p><i>Osric</i> (<i>approaching</i>). My Lord, the + weapons!</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). He maketh five! Beware! + Six, and no more!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Rest, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) I will take this one!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HAMLET <i>and</i> LAERTES <i>take the foils and + salute.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>King.</i> Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first + bout. OSRIC, be ready to give him a cup when he is tired! + Mind me well. (<i>Aside.</i>) The cup of which HAMLET shall + drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time will come! I + triumph!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HAMLET <i>and</i> LAERTES <i>fence and drop their + foils.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Osric.</i>—Let me return them, good Sirs!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they + are exchanged.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>King.</i> Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the + other cup.</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant + of breath, but I will crush a cup with thee, later!</p> + + <p><i>Queen.</i> Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, + HAMLET! [<i>Drinks.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). I hear the + well-remembered voice of thy mother, boy! That makes six. + The limit's reached!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Rest, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) And now, good LAERTES, I am at thy + service.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They fight.</i> HAMLET <i>is wounded.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Osric.</i> A hit, a hit, a palpable hit!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). I am hurt, and by + thee!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Fights fiercely and wounds</i> LAERTES.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Queen.</i> Oh! I am poisoned! [<i>Dies.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> What, treachery! Ah, thou brute!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Rushes up and kills</i> King <i>with his + foil.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Laertes.</i> I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was + the doing of the King. [<i>Dies.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). Twenty and nine minutes + have expired! The time is all but up!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside, with difficulty</i>). Rest, + perturbed spirit! Farewell, farewell, a long farewell to + all my—</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). Ring down! The time is + up!</p> + </div> + + <center> + (<i>Quick Curtain</i>) + </center> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" + id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/282.png" + alt="A GENTLE EGOTIST." /></a> + + <h3>A GENTLE EGOTIST.</h3><i>The Brilliant Jones</i> + (<i>who likes an appreciative audience—to his + Hostess</i>). "OH, THERE!—IT'S NO USE—I GIVE IT + UP! CONVERSATION'S IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE <i>WILL</i> + TALK!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED."</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C.</i> + SALISBURY <i>(Captain) and</i> BALFOUR <i>(Champion Bat) at + Wickets. The latter has just despatched the ball to the + boundary for "another four," eliciting "applause all round + the ring," as the (Cricket) saying is.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Captain</i>. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR!</p> + + <p><i>Champion Bat</i> (<i>modestly</i>). + Ah! + bit of a fluke.</p> + + <p><i>Captain</i>. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit + rebuke,</p> + + <p class="i4">But take your fair <i>kudos</i>; don't run + yourself down.</p> + + <p><i>Wicket-Keeper</i> (<i>aside</i>). Bah! that's his old + trick. At the ball he will frown,</p> + + <p class="i4">And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't + care,</p> + + <p class="i4">Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game + he's all there.</p> + + <p class="i4">Mere posing, not playing the game,—yet + he <i>scores</i>!</p> + + <p class="i4">I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic + roars</p> + + <p class="i4">At their flashy young favourite?</p> + + <p><i>Bowler</i> + (<i>aside</i>). Humph! + he lays on!</p> + + <p class="i4">I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket + was gone.</p> + + <p class="i4">'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old + sort.</p> + + <p class="i4">Good batting <i>and</i> bowling, that's true + Cricket sport,</p> + + <p class="i4">As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was + the case</p> + + <p class="i4">When he bowled and PILCH batted.</p> + + <p><i>Champion Bat</i> + (<i>aside</i>). Just + twig HARCOURT's face!</p> + + <p class="i4">Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear + his "How's <i>that</i>?"—</p> + + <p class="i4">If I gave him a chance?</p> + + <p> + <i>Captain</i>. He's + a fine slogging bat,</p> + + <p class="i4">But behind the sticks—humph! Well, + let's see, lad, your score</p> + + <p class="i4">Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two + more</p> + + <p class="i4">Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The + Cricketer's Bard</p> + + <p class="i4">Will be rhyming your doings!</p> + + <p><i>Champion + Bat</i>. An + awful "reward"!</p> + + <p class="i4">But shall we play on?</p> + + <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). + Well, + now, what do you think?</p> + + <p class="i4">From fighting it out to the end I don't + shrink,</p> + + <p class="i4">But time's running short; <i>we</i> stand + well for a win:</p> + + <p class="i4">They <i>say</i> that their eager desire's to + go in.</p> + + <p class="i4">Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be + posed.</p> + + <p class="i4">Suppose we declare that our innings is + closed?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left considering it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>"PROBABLE STARTERS."</h3> + + <p>The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end + uppermost.</p> + + <p>The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite + unexpected appearance in the Kitchen.</p> + + <p>Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend + to business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes + face to face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton + Lock.</p> + + <p>LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter + Husband.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"TEXTUEL."—Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing + portions of a conversation between two Gentlemen who were + evidently provincial Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I + agree with you. We have settled to re-open our pits at a + reduction of ten per cent." "I beg pardon, Gentlemen," + anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just returned from the + race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and back on a + drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission to + the pit is to be so largely reduced—" Then they explained + to him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was + immensely relieved, and immediately invited his two + acquaintances to partake of refreshment on board the Houseboat + now moored off King William Street, Charing Cross.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"TE DUCE," &c.—Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," + are requested by Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their + subscriptions to Memorial in Eton College Chapel. A Ducie'd + good idea.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.—Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to + "SHIPTON's" Prophecies.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" + id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/283.png" + alt="'INNINGS CLOSED.'" /></a> + + <h3>"INNINGS CLOSED."</h3>RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU + THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS INNINGS <i>CLOSED</i>?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" + id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <h2>THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.—THE DUFFER IN LOVE.</h3> + + <p>Mrs. McDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this + confession is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was + pretty, and when I do not answer (for where is the use of + argument in such a case?), she remarks that I am too + short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty or not. This + appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the flank + of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it + is not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as + to reason with a woman. If you score a point (and how many + times one sees an opening in the fair one's harness), a woman + is angry, or cries, or both, and there is no repartee to that + <i>ultima ratio</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/285.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285.png" + alt="'It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of female voices.'" /> + </a>"It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of + female voices." + </div> + + <p>I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; + pleasant, and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities + yet. I do not believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades + himself that he was a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a + girl becomes quite another person, and usually very stout and + stupid, because she has preferred someone else to himself. No, + if we met to-morrow—But Fortune forbid that we should + meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of CECILIA. + I had some,—an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and + other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, + and in my absence that bureau was traded away for a new + æsthetic article, relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor + poet bought the piece of furniture, and found the things, and + wrote a poem on them. That is what makes me uncomfortable. If + CECILIA sees the poem in one of the Magazines, and remembers + the incidents which the souvenirs recall, she will certainly + not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I wrote the + poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded + their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated.</p> + + <p>I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each + other at dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in + novels,—she knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, + like me, she was very fond of field sports. I flattered myself + that she did not find my company uncongenial. In the evening + there was a little dance: I don't dance, or at least, it was + some time since I had danced, not in fact since the used to + make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated it! + However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, + though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, + dangerously so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know + how they describe waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the + wild impassioned delight. Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. + Well, it was not at all like that.</p> + + <p>I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there + was a buzz. I think there was a collision. I became extremely + dizzy.... When I recovered my senses, it was <i>not</i> to find + the dark grey eyes of CECILIA bending over me with an + expression of anxiety. No, she was not there. I went to bed: I + know there was a great contusion on my elbow.</p> + + <p>Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. + Now I could not skate. At school, when there was a skating + holiday, I always passed it beside the fire, which I had all to + myself, roasting apples, and reading <i>Ivanhoe</i>. These were + among my happiest hours. However, I did not tell CECILIA that I + could not skate. I pretended (it seemed safe) to be desperately + fond of hunting, and to despise skating. Besides I had work, + literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss AUSTEN. This + pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I was + bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair + of "Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and + buckles of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where + nobody came, and thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a + bed-room chair. They say that pushing a chair in front of you + is a good way to learn. My terror was extreme; it would be + awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, stealing a bed-room + chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of CECILIA I + was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry + ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary + labours, I sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put + on the skates. It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert + do it, like Mercury donning his winged shoon, and sailing over + the ice. But my hands grew blue as I struggled with the key and + the nuts, till I became certain that my boots were in + fault.</p> + + <p>There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and + returned, to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, + good man, rose to the situation, and pointed out what I had + surmised to be the case, viz., that the heels of my boots were + too long to allow the chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the + lever, and admit at the same time of the other end of the heel + being gripped by the cramps,—but he promised to whittle + away part of the heel, and send the skates home without delay: + and he was as good as his word.</p> + + <p>This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my + room. I walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to + work again: gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was + wholly unprepared for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even + though forewarned to some extent by the painful experiences of + <i>Mr. Winkle</i>. I had read that the skater "is very highly + favoured when contending with the great enemy of motion, viz., + friction," a proposition which I found to be perfectly true. My + legs developed separatist tendencies, and started on + independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in a + position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for + the chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape + across the ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was + while thus engaged that I heard a sound of female voices, and, + lo! there were CECILIA and two other girls, who had heard of + this pond in the wood, and come to try it. I presented a + singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room chair in the + middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should never be + ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to be + frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could + I offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all + this for her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except + dancing), I had hoped to make myself more worthy of "figuring" + in her society. But, as a matter of fact, I never got so far as + figures.</p> + + <p>Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of + riding with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. + BROWNING. I don't like to speak about it. When we got off the + road on to the turf my horse began to kick and plunge. I have + read that it is not right, but I did what I always do, I held + on by the pummel. Would <i>you</i> not hold on by the carpet, + in an earthquake. It felt like a young and lively earthquake. + We came home soon, <i>CECILIA leading my horse</i>. People + staying in the house met us.</p> + + <p>I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like <i>Sir Andrew + Aguecheek</i>, "It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the + odds were probably even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines + meet thine eyes, thou wilt know that one heart still is true. + In another life, less begirt by material difficulties, we may + meet amongst the asphodel, where there is no opportunity for + the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. Till then, + <i>au revoir</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>APPROPRIATE.—At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech + gymnasts, in a goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks + in French, with a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took + this as a great compliment to his own nationality, the + champagne being "<i>très Czech</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" + id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/286-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286-1.png" + alt="TROP DE ZÈLE." /></a> + + <h3>TROP DE ZÈLE.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>An Aristocratic Tip.</i>) + </center> + + <p><i>The New Companion</i> (<i>fresh from Girtham + College</i>). "YES, LADY JANE, I SAW <i>H</i>ER, WITH + <i>H</i>ER <i>H</i>ABITUAL <i>H</i>YPOCRISY <i>H</i>OLDING + OUT <i>H</i>ER <i>H</i>AND TO <i>H</i>IS AS <i>H</i>E WAS + <i>H</i>ARANGUING AT <i>H</i>IS <i>H</i>OTEL—"</p> + + <p><i>Lady Jane.</i> "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN + YOUR H'S SO CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR + FATHER AND MOTHER DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO + PICK 'EM UP!" [<i>And People wouldn't be very far + wrong.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Of my two selections to supply the + last Horse in the Derby—one—<i>La Flêche</i>, so + far forgot what was due to my prophetic utterances as to finish + <i>second</i>—and indeed, very nearly <i>win</i>! + However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the + absurd wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers + will see that no blame attaches to <i>me</i>—as the mare + would doubtless not have hurried so much had she been left to + her own devices—(the sex notoriously dislikes + hurry)—it being a well-known fact that she would make a + race with a donkey!—though why donkey races should be + spoken of with such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one + with Lord ARTHUR on Hampstead Heath—(it was during our + engagement, when people will do foolish things; we had been + "slumming," and he was disguised in "pearlies," whilst I was + gowned "<i>à la</i> 'ARRIETT")—and I assure you our + Donkeys went very fast. However—this is a + digression—as the man said when he walked over the cliff, + so let us "<i>noch einmal zu unser schafen</i>," as the German + proverb runs. Although disappointed in the behaviour of <i>La + Flêche</i>, my second string <i>Llanthony</i> maintained my + reputation for correct tips, by running <i>last</i>, as I said + he would!—It is true that some papers report him as + having finished seventh and <i>El Diablo</i> last; but as he + did not <i>win</i>, he might just as well have been last as + seventh—and as I am sure my friend Lord ELTHAM will not + mind the placings being reversed—I therefore place + <i>Llanthony</i> last—and those of my readers who took my + advice and backed him, will have every reason to congratulate + themselves when they draw their money!</p> + + <p>With regard to the winner, <i>Sir Hugo</i>, whose success + was a general surprise to all except myself—(surprise is + bad form)—I can only follow the example of all other + writers on turf matters in declaring that, "he always had my + good word, and was in fact my winter favourite, as anyone can + see who will take the trouble to glance through my earlier + advices!"—these will be difficult to find, as they were + only conveyed in private letters which will not be published + until my biography is written later on!—(very much, I + hope). Still, had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to + tip the <i>Winner</i>, <i>Sir Hugo</i> would undoubtedly have + been my sole selection—a fact which should not fail to + weigh with my followers—and I <i>have</i> followers in + plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows!</p> + + <p>Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a + rest to get ready for Ascot—(four new gowns to try + on)—and besides there are some smart parties to attend + next week, so Doncaster will not be blessed with my sweet + presence. However, I have a friend there on the Press <i>who + can be trusted</i>. So, in concluding this letter with my + selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able + to recommend it <i>very</i> strongly, as my friend will do the + placing; and as <i>I</i> am not there, no collusion can be + suspected!</p> + + <p>I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom + Downs for the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I + should like to see done away with, namely, the so-called "glove + contests"—which to my mind are not calculated to advance + "England's greatness" nor are they pleasing to look on at. The + "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly a fine thing, but is + hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes heroes of + Dusky Warriors!</p> + + <p>I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to + have a most successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable + absence of Royalty; indeed he could have let all the Boxes + twice over—and as I shall be staying there all the week + with my friends the Baron and Baroness LUTHER VON MONTAG, I + hope to collect some valuable information for my betting + readers.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h4>THE TIP.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup</p> + + <p class="i2">Is a thing for which jockeys might + quarrel!</p> + + <p>But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg + up,"</p> + + <p class="i2">He's content to be <i>last</i> on + "<i>Balmoral</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 30.</i>—House met + to-day, with pretty assumption of things being just as usual. + SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on Table; paper loaded with questions; + House even moderately full. Mr. G. not present, but SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD makes up for that, and all other deficiencies. Quite + radiant in white waistcoat and summer pants; wish he would + crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the line at that. + "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father was a + dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the + circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under + the brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete + joviality of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the + best man at a wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he + said; "Mr. G. is going to the country to wed the majority at + the polls, and I'm the best man."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/286-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286-2.png" + alt="Truculent Tim." /></a>Truculent Tim. + </div> + + <p>Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the + wind admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that + blessed word Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, + Mr. G. and Prince ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the + word not uttered. Mr. G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's + sometime, in some convenient circumstances, making a statement + as to the business of the Session; the Prince, adopting the + phraseology, said he would do so. Since then the same + precaution been observed.</p> + + <p>"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I + commented on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, + people don't mention in his presence the particular form of + disease that is carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of + Dissolution in a Parliament whose days are numbered."</p> + + <p>SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, + though under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have + delivered it before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening + at eleven o'clock. SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the + audience inadequate for the oration; insisted upon postponing + it. Must be delivered <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" + id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> to-night or never; so + worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and + sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an + opportunity that might be final, joined in debate. Audience + being chiefly composed of JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of + genially observing, <i>à propos</i> of the Bill, that if he + had to spend his time on a desert island with either a Chief + Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. + "I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for + the one that was left. Within a week the population would + certainly be reduced by one-half. Whether the survivor would + be TIM or the other one, would depend upon circumstances." + <i>Business done.</i>—Irish Education Bill read Second + Time.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/287.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287.png" + alt="THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL + SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892.</h3><i>At the earnest + request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose the + personality of the spectators.</i> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" + id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting + WILFRID LAWSON's Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, + most excellent fooling. A dangerous thing to play practical + jokes with House; only a person of ELCHO's supreme coolness + would have faced the fearful odds. A desperate man having done + so, might, by swerving however slightly to left or right, have + made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by watchful House. + GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his truncated + speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby Day + fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID + LAWSON by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted + disapproval; GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the + unfinished window in Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared + joke unfinished must remain. With this awful warning, ELCHO + rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a success from first + moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE had + something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; + here again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred?</p> + + <p>"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, + "rise to second the Amendment?"</p> + + <p>Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct + negative proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question + to the fore ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was + now going to back up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an + exquisite jape, worthy of the Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, + Sir," he gravely answered.</p> + + <p>This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded + House, wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at + it. But it was a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could + ELCHO do it? Would he spoil it by going too far, or would he + shrink affrighted from the position audaciously assumed? He did + just the right thing, in tone, manner, and matter, affording + the House the merriest moments ever enjoyed on a deathbed. It + seemed so good that it was idle to expect anything better to + follow. But something there was. It was the Division, in which + ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID LAWSON, acted + as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that abolished + the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had + his jest, and the Opposition had his estate.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Motion for Derby Day negatived + by 158 Votes against 144.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-1.png" + alt="'6 to 4.' (<i>t. and o.</i>)" /> + </a>"6 to 4." (<i>t. and o.</i>) + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in + Commons. House met shortly after twelve; when I say House, I + mean the SPEAKER and me. "Dearly beloved TOBY," said the + SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the place to ourselves." But + presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly afraid that he + should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will not be + extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new + Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand + among other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what + time is left. I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. + Margaret's. Proudest moment in my life, TOBY, when the other + Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers saying to another, 'Man + and boy I've been in this 'ere church for forty year, but I + never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE pitches his.' + It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that House of + Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the + close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest + Verger is, I will admit, soothing."</p> + + <p>(12:25.)—GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD strolls in with the pleased expression of a man who + might be at the Derby, but isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; + all told only 13. "If you'll excuse me. Gentlemen," said the + SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again little later."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-2.png" + alt="'Formerly of the Herts Militia.'" /></a>"Formerly + of the Herts Militia." + </div> + + <p>(1 P.M.)—SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves + Count; bells ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; + no deception; wasn't lurking about with intent to show up in + House, then rush off to catch half-past twelve train for Epsom. + Heads counted; only 19 present; must have forty or no House. + "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "this won't do. The + Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again retire, and + won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured there + are forty Members present."</p> + + <p>SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours + before House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? + ELLIOT LEES determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (<i>t. + and o.</i>); HENRY FOWLER wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something + on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a fiver.</p> + + <p>(4 P.M.)—SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; + ELLIOT LEES looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only + pull it off. But arrival of half a dozen Members would upset + everything. ROBY and ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors + trying to bring men in; LEES KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing + of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on picket-duty to last moment, + nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds only 35. "The House + will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see why we should + have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says ELLIOT + LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and + profitable afternoon."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—House not made.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—House met at two o'clock; might have + sat till seven; but at five minutes to five gently broke up. + Won't be back till Thursday. "Not much of a holiday." said + Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the Herts Militia; "better make + the most of it;" and he set off at the rate of five miles an + hour.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Adjourned for the Whitsun + Recess.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/288-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-3.png" + alt="The vigorous vicar." /></a> + </div> + + <p>THE VIGOROUS VICAR.—Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which + place his bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is + already there, acts up to his name, as a Member of the Church + Militant, with pluck and perseverance, whether right or wrong + it is not for <i>amicus curiæ</i> to say. But, it may be asked, + is this action for the rates, on the part of the Vicar, a + Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners suspend + payment; we suspend judgment.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY NATURAL ERROR.—A gentleman who up till now has + been a quiet sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." + about him, sent to excuse himself from appearing at our old + friend Mrs. RAM's dinner-party, because as he wrote to her + nephew, who read the letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall + Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, "Prize-fighting beginning again! + And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a Member of Parliament? He + ought to know better. Where are the police?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"IT WILL WASH!"—"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, + stop—spell it with an "a," and make it "Pears,"—now + a Company Limited. Going along in first-rate style. The Pears' + Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, is to be a new edition of + "<i>His Soaps Fables</i>." Next form of + advertisement,—"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' + Soap Shares."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.—The old saying applies, "They + do these things better in France." London prefers to go to + Paris for its French plays; but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT + and a COQUELIN, come over to London, Londoners give the lady a + chance of making her charming voice heard, but the clever + French actor has, literally, to "shut up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ROYAL DECISION.—When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to + Mar Lodge, Her Majesty takes a Deesided course.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14707-h/images/277.png b/14707-h/images/277.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..06ddf50 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/277.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/278-1.png b/14707-h/images/278-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd5b0a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/278-1.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/278-2.png b/14707-h/images/278-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da10289 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/278-2.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/279.png b/14707-h/images/279.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..146ac27 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/279.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/280-1.png b/14707-h/images/280-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..35ecd8f --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/280-1.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/280-2.png b/14707-h/images/280-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbecbda --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/280-2.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/281.png b/14707-h/images/281.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..87c6379 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/281.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/282.png b/14707-h/images/282.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..502f06d --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/282.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/283.png b/14707-h/images/283.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..05a88a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/283.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/285.png b/14707-h/images/285.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bda2ed --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/285.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/286-1.png b/14707-h/images/286-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9146153 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/286-1.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/286-2.png b/14707-h/images/286-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b833eba --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/286-2.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/287.png b/14707-h/images/287.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2da607d --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/287.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/288-1.png b/14707-h/images/288-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0068630 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/288-1.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/288-2.png b/14707-h/images/288-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ca2272 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/288-2.png diff --git a/14707-h/images/288-3.png b/14707-h/images/288-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..421a8a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-h/images/288-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a08d0e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14707 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14707) diff --git a/old/14707-8.txt b/old/14707-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c92d4c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14707-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1642 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +June 11, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 11, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 16, 2005 [eBook #14707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, JUNE 11, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14707-h.htm or 14707-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h/14707-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +JUNE 11, 1892 + + + + + + + +A DAY AT ANTWERP. + +(BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR.") + +_In the Place Verte._--"The traveller," according to _Bædeker_, +"should at once direct his steps to the Cathedral." Not going to be +bullied by _Bædeker_! Shall assert my independence by directing steps +somewhere else first. Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an +elderly ghost with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever +knew all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment +of "_The Heavens are Telling_," tripped up by the "_Old Hundredth_," +and falling over "_Haydn's Surprise_." Ghost tries back, and just as +she seems about to arrive at something definite--suddenly gives it +up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small +but highly intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on +volunteering services. (Why aren't _our_ street-boys taught French +and German in Board Schools?--make all the difference to foreigners +in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of heroic-sized scriptural statues, +introduces me to "Moïse," "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of +him--but I wish he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with +indignation. Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He +informs me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there +are "RUBENS' peecture--moch fine," and plainly proposes to conduct +me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again--so accept. Boy clumps +on ahead, down alleys, and through back-streets, and round corners, +looking round severely at intervals to see that I am not giving him +the slip. Nice friendly little fellow--but despotic. Don't seem to be +much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring disposition.... +At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank him, with apologies +for taking him so much out of his way. Boy demands two francs. Hint, +as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value +of his time and society somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty +centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can +_not_ go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy harassing my rear +like this! So undignified. However, shall find sanctuary with "Sin +Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a distance--chuckling, I am afraid. +Shall walk on--not _hurrying_, but briskly. Boy gone at last--thank +goodness!--with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!" + +[Illustration: "Rosbif!"] + +_In the Cathedral._--Being shown round by Sacristan, in company with +two respectable young Britons. "You shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," +says Sacristan, "paint by RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen +hondert florin." Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with +their tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," +explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads, +check it as correct, and evidently feel increased respect for RUBENS +as capable-for an artist--of driving a good bargain. "RUBENS baint +him ven he vas seexteen," which younger Briton considers "very +_creditable_ to him, too!" They inspect the High Altar, with more +clucks, and inform one another, with the air of Protestants who are +above prejudice, that it's a marvellous piece o' _work_, though, mind +yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ is +blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de 'oles, so all +be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" First Briton remarks +to me that "That's a rum start, and no mistake." I agree that it _is_ +a rum start. I shall find myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you +scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan +asks us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of +one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is not +dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. Second Briton +agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His Companion admits +"They've got old GLADSTONE there to a _t_"--but adds that "come +to _that_, it might do for _either of_ 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is +opposite, but, as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only +vas gif him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the +Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in +de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, _now_ you see him. +Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, _ve_ know, yust a marble-garvings--a baw +releff!' I dell you, nodings of de kindt. All so flat as a biece +of vite baper--com close op. Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons +deeply impressed by this and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that +their own Cathedrals "ain't _in_ it." "Look at the _value_ of the +things they've _got_ 'ere, you know," they say to me, clucking, and +then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest way to the Zoo. + +_At Table d'hôte._--Fellow-countrymen to the fore; both my immediate +neighbours English, but neither shows any inclination to converse. +Rather glad of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive--but +exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book +intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and dismally +contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It +_is_ a depressing object--but why look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen +opposite on being offered snipe. "Snipe _now_--Great Scott!" they +exclaim, "And ain't they _high_ too?" One helps himself to some, with +a sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But even +_his_ courage fails on being offered stewed apricots with it. Close +by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, and a talkative young +fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. Elder man listens to him +with a grim and wooden forbearance. "Ez fur languages," the younger +man is saying. "I'd undertake to learn any language inside of six +months. Fur enstance, I got up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me +that _isn't_ a language, and that's so, but take _Latin_ now, I'd +learn Latin--to write _and_ speak--in a year, Italian I'd learn in a +fortnight--with constant _study_, you understand. Then there's German. +Well. I cann't _read_ German--not in their German text, I cann't, and +I don't _speak_ it with fluency, but I can ask my _way_ in it, and +order anything _I_ want, and I reckon that's about as much as a man +requires to know of any language. Will you take a glass of wine outer +my bottle? I've another coming along." Elder man declines stiffly, on +plea that he is almost a teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says +the Harvard man, "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all +right in the morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you +overnight. I'll tell you what that thing _is_. It's just persly--plain +ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' fresh persly first thing +you get up, and it don't matter _what_ you've taken, you'll feel just +as _bright_!" Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very +small pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself +vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude to by a +means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." After which he +subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut up. + +_In the Fumoir._--Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their +minds where to go next. Shall they stay at Antwerp for a day or +two, or go over to Brussels, or go back to Calais and stay there, or +_what_? "Calais is on their way _home_, anyhow," says one, and the +other, without attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to +_see_ at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says his friend: +"all these places much about the same." "Well," says the first, +yawning, "shall we stay where we _are_?" "Just as _you_ please," says +the other. "No; but what would _you_ rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm +entirely in _your_ hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse +with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, "it's +dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, "then you +leave it to _me_--is _that_ it?" "Haven't I been saying so all along!" +growls the other. Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently +forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks +up with relief. "_Well_," he says, very slowly, "what do _you_ think +about it?" Whereupon they begin all over again. This indecision is +catching--leave them. + +_In the Street--about_ 11:30 P.M.--Back from Variety Theatre. Hotel +doors closed. Have rung several times--no result at present. Curious +impression that I shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for +this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in--chilly out +here. _Is_ there a night-porter? If not--awkward. Carillon again from +Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to recollect a whole tune at last, +picking it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before--what the +Dickens _is_ it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the +VOKES Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not +exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... Unbolting +behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter +penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish him good-night +instead--pleasantly. Porter grunts--_un_pleasantly. Depressing to be +grunted at the last thing at night. To bed, chastened. + + * * * * * + +THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE. + + [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful + but tyrannously ubiquitous "_Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!_" is + beginning, at last, to wane.] + +_She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and wondering what +she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into familiar strains:--_ + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_What will you do, Love?_" + + What shall I do now? My song was going + Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond; + What shall I do, though, when critics hide it, + And cads deride it who're now so fond? + "Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" deriding!-- + Nought is abiding--that's sadly true! + I'll pray for another Sensation Notion. + With deep emotion--that's what I'll do! + + (_Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively_):-- + +AIR--"_The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls._" + + The harp that once through Music Halls + Sheer maddening rapture shed, + Now hangs as mute on willow-walls + As though that Boom were dead. + So dims the pride of former days, + So fame's fine thrill is o'er, + And throngs who once yelled high with praise, + Now find the Boom a bore. + + No more to toffs and totties bright + Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell. + The gloom that hailed my turn to-night + Sad tales of "staleness" tell. + The Chorus now will seldom wake, + The old mad cheers who gives? + And LOTTIE some new ground must break + To prove that still she lives. + +_She harketh back to the old strain:--_ + + What would you do now if distant tidings, + Thy fame's confidings should undermine,-- + Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies, + In the public eyes yet more bright than thine? + Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame + On my new-made name, and it can't be true. + This far fame of mine, did some rival share it, + I could not bear it--what _would_ I do? + + What would you do, now, if home returning, + With anger burning at the fickle crew, + You found the prospect of another Boom, + To dispel your gloom--ah! what would you do? + Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow + And banish sorrow, and raise my "screw." + I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the willow, + And with tears my pillow no more bedew. + + * * * * * + +TO BE, OR NOT TO BE--DISCOVERED! + + SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the + General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._ + +_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for +Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the +better for having your assistance. + +_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for +Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have +determined to retire from the contest. + +_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for +years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for +the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for +Parliament--absolutely cut out for it! + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the +Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up. + +_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own? + +_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame) +that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples. + +_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished? + +_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received +(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my +cheeks--a severe reprimand! + +_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a +slander? + +_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was +once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was +intoxicated! + +_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that? + +_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the +Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds +of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the +circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator! + +_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly +what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times +a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a +fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible. + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that +divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You +are safe, and I am not. + +_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the +question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small? + +_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out! + + [_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily + triumphant._ + + * * * * * + +A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH. + + ["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."--_Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright + Action "Walter_ v. _Steinkopff_."] + + So "Stand and deliver!" will not _quite_ do + In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; + And if you are caught on the Queen's highway, + With a something for which you've omitted to pay, + No use to try putting in--under your breath-- + The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! + + Thanks to the _Times_ and to Justice NORTH! + The highway--of-News--may be clearer henceforth + Of robber daring and footpad sly. + To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, + Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, + Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak, + And he shall not shelter himself beneath + The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. + + _Autolycus_ now must buy his wares, + And not with his neighbours go (_gratis_) shares. + "Thou shalt not steal--not even brains," + Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains. + Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the _Times_! + Plain new definitions of ancient crimes + Are needful now when robbers unsheath + The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath! + + * * * * * + +OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE. + +[Illustration] + + CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine, + Ici tu viens en souveraine, + Where "Britons never will be slaves," + And "BRITANNIA rules the waves." + (Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE. + + GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY, + KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY; + WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY, + GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!] + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."--A Junior urging a ridiculous +plea. + + * * * * * + +THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.--_Hugo_ in future is to be remembered as +"_Victor Hugo_." + + * * * * * + +OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a +remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence.] + +_Monday._--GOUNOD's _Roméo et Juliette_. _Les deux frères_ ("Brothers +of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, excellent respectively as _Romeo_ +and _Friar Laurent_. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but +eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother JOHN, +in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy +a _Romeo_ that his appearance must have first excited _Juliet's_ pity, +which we all know is akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is +to "lighten the part," and "do it on his head,"--which, being summed +up, means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. _Juliette Eames_ +charming. _Nurse Bauermeister_ too young. _Tybalt Montariol_, when +killed, must not lie "toes up" too close to Curtain. Friendly members +of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have +suffered. M. DUFRICHE, as _Mercutio_, mistaken for EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. +Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only +complicates matters, but death of _Mercutio_ settles it. The survivor +is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, late of English Comic Opera, +appears as the _Duke of Verona_, and everyone admires his Grace. + +[Illustration: Vaults on both sides.] + +_Tuesday._--_Orféo._ Everyone talking of to-morrow's Derby. Bets +"taken and Orf-"eo. + +_Wednesday._--_Derby Day Night_--celebrated by performance of +_Philemon_ and _Cavalleria_. Both favourites. But in honour of the +winner _Hugo_, the Opera ought to have been the _Hugo-nots._ + +_Thursday_.--_Lohengrin._ _Rentrée_ of Madame NORDICA as _Elsa_, who +couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. _Lohengrin_ is "The Johnnie +of the Opera," i.e., JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he +appear in dark hair as in _Romeo_; but as a Knight light, suitable to +the time of year. + +_Friday._--_Il Vascello Fantasma_, which is the _Flying Dutchman_ +with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charming +_Senta_--quite an Eighty-per-_Senta_--of attraction. Awful appearance +of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing conversation +in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old Epsom Salts," +talking about _Flying Dutchman's_ year, 1849, + +_Saturday._--Progress reported generally. MELBA very good. Miss +EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House counted out by midnight. +DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby Week. + + * * * * * + +THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. + +We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn't they +jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true +gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves hoarse when +the LORD MARE got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, +not by no means, or they woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls +their Nashnal Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears +cum into my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him +glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a werry +nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave out their +pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, out of site out of +mind! but they makes up for it by calling the Land of their Fathers, +their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end. + +The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit song, +"Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "_Poor_ MARY ANN!" so I should +think indeed. + +I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no gent by the +name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized. + +I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General Gimrig," +which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all no afore what a +wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales is. Why we had about a +duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn't rayther +a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns +to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of +Welch Mares. + +I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch enthusyasm +and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin _our_ Nashnal +Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their recepshun of the LORD MARE +when he guv 'em the Toast of the hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung +to their feet, Bishups, and Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and +M.P.'s and all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and +then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I +wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em. + +BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fun. +When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was rayther too +long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, they began +for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and +reel cut glasses, meaning to say, "That's about enuff," but the pore +delewded Horrator thort it meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" +So he kep it up till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he +kindly sat down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded +me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. +"Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," and I +takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As our Grate Poet +says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane as you are"! Upon the +whole, I wentures to think as the Welch Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord +Mare EVANS, was about the most sucksessful as I have ewer assisted +at during my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by +saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his +hand in the same Nashnal way. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A TIP-TOP TIPSTER. + + [In some spirited verses that appeared in the _Sportsman_, on + the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN TREW-HAY, alone amongst the + prophets, selected _Sir Hugo_ as the winner.] + + Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his fun, + For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one, + And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You go + To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for _Sir Hugo_. + But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh, + That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean chaff. + Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can rue + That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was TREW! + + * * * * * + +"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."--He had had two basins of Turtle. He +asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" was the Waiter's +answer. The Alderman said not a word; he smiled a sickly smile. There +was no help for it, or "no helping of it," as he truthfully put it. He +would do his best with the remainder of the _menu_. The resignation of +the Alderman was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the +City Waiter. + + * * * * * + +BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW. + +(_A FABLE SOMEWHAT IN THE FASHION OF "UNCLE REMUS," BUT WITH +APPLICATIONS NEARER HOME._) + +[Illustration] + + Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail, + Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee, + "Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter see!" + En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail. + "Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer, + So's ter know w'at's w'at; en _yer_ needn't fear!" + "Oho! Oho!" + Sez Ole Man Crow. + "But der Irish butter I've a notion dat _I_ know!" + + Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce, + But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce. + "Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?" + Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee; + "Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove + Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder free; + Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM + Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam! + Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet-- + Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet! + Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow, + Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!" + + Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown. + Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," sezee. + "But yer better come down, + Der is foes a broozin' roun' + W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North Countree. + You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North yo' pitch, + For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in der las' ditch!" + + Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee, + "You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' atter me; + But I speck you done come to de end er de row. + You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man Crow. + "I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near dis rail. + You wun't tempt me wid de butter--or der powder--on yo' tail. + Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze, + For dis is de way de worril goes; + Some goes up en some goes down. + _You_'ll get ter de bottom all safe en soun'! + I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en den, + En--well, I'll try ter _look_, des as _frightened_ as I ken!" + + * * * * * + +The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that Captain +FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a Vane attempt. +"The chance," said the _Times_, "of such a prize as Raby Castle, with +£60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a man to think his arguments and +claims are better than they really are." Raby Castle on the brain +would soon become a sort of Rabies. + + * * * * * + +HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR. + +(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR. +PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._) + + SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and + the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._ + +_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to +the story that has so much interested me? + +_Ghost._ It is! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton and a rock becomes transparent, + displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_] + +_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met +thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle. +And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King! +Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real +poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how +it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._) +And canst thou show me more? + +_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a tableau + representing the Burial of OPHELIA._ + +_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that +were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired +to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic +Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more! + + [_The vision fades away like its predecessor._ + +_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time. +And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and +no more! Thou wilt remember! + +_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so +I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will! + + _Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._ + +_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor +at to-day's trial of skill! + +_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He +and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! + +_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do +love thee. + +_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and +mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils! + +_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons! + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this +one! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be +ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The +cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time +will come! I triumph! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._ + +_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs! + + [_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are + exchanged._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup. + +_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I +will crush a cup with thee, later! + +_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother, +boy! That makes six. The limit's reached! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good +LAERTES, I am at thy service. + + [_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._ + +_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit! + +_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee! + + [_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES. + +_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._ + +_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute! + + [_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._ + +_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the +King. [_Dies._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time +is all but up! + +_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell, +farewell, a long farewell to all my-- + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up! + + (_Quick Curtain_) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST. + +_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his +Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S +IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"] + + * * * * * + +"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED." + + SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY + (Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter + has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another + four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the + (Cricket) saying is._ + +_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR! + +_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_). Ah! bit of a fluke. + +_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke, + But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down. + +_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he + will frown, + And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care, + Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there. + Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_! + I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars + At their flashy young favourite? + +_Bowler_ (_aside_). Humph! he lays on! + I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone. + 'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort. + Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport, + As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case + When he bowled and PILCH batted. + +_Champion Bat_ (_aside_). Just twig HARCOURT's face! + Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"-- + If I gave him a chance? + +_Captain_. He's a fine slogging bat, + But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score + Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more + Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard + Will be rhyming your doings! + +_Champion Bat_. An awful "reward"! + But shall we play on? + +_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, now, what do you think? + From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink, + But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win: + They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in. + Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed. + Suppose we declare that our innings is closed? + + [_Left considering it._ + + * * * * * + +"PROBABLE STARTERS." + +The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost. + +The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected +appearance in the Kitchen. + +Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to +business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to +face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock. + +LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband. + + * * * * * + +"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a +conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial +Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have +settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I +beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just +returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and +back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission +to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to +him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely +relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of +refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street, +Charing Cross. + + * * * * * + +"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by +Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton +College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea. + + * * * * * + +CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's" +Prophecies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED." + +RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS +INNINGS _CLOSED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +NO. XI.--THE DUFFER IN LOVE. + +Mrs. MCDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this confession +is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was pretty, and when I +do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such a case?), she +remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty +or not. This appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the +flank of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it is +not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason +with a woman. If you score a point (and how many times one sees an +opening in the fair one's harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or +both, and there is no repartee to that _ultima ratio_. + +[Illustration: "It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of +female voices."] + +I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; pleasant, +and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities yet. I do not +believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades himself that he was +a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another +person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred +someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow--But Fortune forbid +that we should meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of +CECILIA. I had some,--an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and +other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in +my absence that bureau was traded away for a new æsthetic article, +relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet bought the piece +of furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is +what makes me uncomfortable. If CECILIA sees the poem in one of the +Magazines, and remembers the incidents which the souvenirs recall, +she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I +wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded +their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated. + +I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each other at +dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in novels,--she +knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, like me, she was very fond +of field sports. I flattered myself that she did not find my company +uncongenial. In the evening there was a little dance: I don't dance, +or at least, it was some time since I had danced, not in fact since +the used to make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated +it! However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, +though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously +so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know how they describe +waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. +Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. Well, it was not at all like that. + +I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was a buzz. +I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy.... When +I recovered my senses, it was _not_ to find the dark grey eyes of +CECILIA bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not +there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow. + +Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now I could +not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I always +passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting apples, +and reading _Ivanhoe_. These were among my happiest hours. However, +I did not tell CECILIA that I could not skate. I pretended (it seemed +safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise skating. +Besides I had work, literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss +AUSTEN. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I +was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair of +"Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and buckles +of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where nobody came, and +thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a bed-room chair. They say +that pushing a chair in front of you is a good way to learn. My terror +was extreme; it would be awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, +stealing a bed-room chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of +CECILIA I was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry +ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I +sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. +It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury +donning his winged shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew +blue as I struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain +that my boots were in fault. + +There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned, +to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose +to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the +case, viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the +chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same +time of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,--but +he promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home +without delay: and he was as good as his word. + +This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my room. I +walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to work again: +gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was wholly unprepared +for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even though forewarned to +some extent by the painful experiences of _Mr. Winkle_. I had read +that the skater "is very highly favoured when contending with the +great enemy of motion, viz., friction," a proposition which I found +to be perfectly true. My legs developed separatist tendencies, and +started on independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in +a position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for the +chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape across the +ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was while thus engaged +that I heard a sound of female voices, and, lo! there were CECILIA and +two other girls, who had heard of this pond in the wood, and come to +try it. I presented a singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room +chair in the middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should +never be ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to +be frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could I +offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all this for +her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped +to make myself more worthy of "figuring" in her society. But, as a +matter of fact, I never got so far as figures. + +Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of riding +with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. BROWNING. I +don't like to speak about it. When we got off the road on to the turf +my horse began to kick and plunge. I have read that it is not right, +but I did what I always do, I held on by the pummel. Would _you_ not +hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake. It felt like a young and +lively earthquake. We came home soon, _CECILIA leading my horse_. +People staying in the house met us. + +I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like _Sir Andrew Aguecheek_, +"It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the odds were probably +even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines meet thine eyes, thou wilt +know that one heart still is true. In another life, less begirt by +material difficulties, we may meet amongst the asphodel, where there +is no opportunity for the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. +Till then, _au revoir_! + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts, in a +goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French, with +a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great +compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being "_très Czech_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE. + +(_An Aristocratic Tip._) + +_The New Companion_ (_fresh from Girtham College_). "YES, LADY JANE, +I SAW _H_ER, WITH _H_ER _H_ABITUAL _H_YPOCRISY _H_OLDING OUT _H_ER +_H_AND TO _H_IS AS _H_E WAS _H_ARANGUING AT _H_IS _H_OTEL--" + +_Lady Jane._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN YOUR H'S SO +CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER +DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PICK 'EM UP!" [_And People +wouldn't be very far wrong._] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Of my two selections to supply the last Horse in the +Derby--one--_La Flêche_, so far forgot what was due to my prophetic +utterances as to finish _second_--and indeed, very nearly _win_! +However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the absurd +wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers will see that no +blame attaches to _me_--as the mare would doubtless not have hurried +so much had she been left to her own devices--(the sex notoriously +dislikes hurry)--it being a well-known fact that she would make a +race with a donkey!--though why donkey races should be spoken of with +such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one with Lord ARTHUR +on Hampstead Heath--(it was during our engagement, when people will +do foolish things; we had been "slumming," and he was disguised in +"pearlies," whilst I was gowned "_à la_ 'ARRIETT")--and I assure you +our Donkeys went very fast. However--this is a digression--as the man +said when he walked over the cliff, so let us "_noch einmal zu unser +schafen_," as the German proverb runs. Although disappointed in the +behaviour of _La Flêche_, my second string _Llanthony_ maintained +my reputation for correct tips, by running _last_, as I said he +would!--It is true that some papers report him as having finished +seventh and _El Diablo_ last; but as he did not _win_, he might just +as well have been last as seventh--and as I am sure my friend Lord +ELTHAM will not mind the placings being reversed--I therefore place +_Llanthony_ last--and those of my readers who took my advice and +backed him, will have every reason to congratulate themselves when +they draw their money! + +With regard to the winner, _Sir Hugo_, whose success was a general +surprise to all except myself--(surprise is bad form)--I can only +follow the example of all other writers on turf matters in declaring +that, "he always had my good word, and was in fact my winter +favourite, as anyone can see who will take the trouble to glance +through my earlier advices!"--these will be difficult to find, as +they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be published +until my biography is written later on!--(very much, I hope). Still, +had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to tip the _Winner_, _Sir +Hugo_ would undoubtedly have been my sole selection--a fact which +should not fail to weigh with my followers--and I _have_ followers +in plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows! + +Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to +get ready for Ascot--(four new gowns to try on)--and besides there +are some smart parties to attend next week, so Doncaster will not be +blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on +the Press _who can be trusted_. So, in concluding this letter with +my selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able to +recommend it _very_ strongly, as my friend will do the placing; and +as _I_ am not there, no collusion can be suspected! + +I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom Downs for +the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I should like to see +done away with, namely, the so-called "glove contests"--which to my +mind are not calculated to advance "England's greatness" nor are they +pleasing to look on at. The "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly +a fine thing, but is hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes +heroes of Dusky Warriors! + +I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to have a most +successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable absence of Royalty; +indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over--and as I shall +be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness +LUTHER VON MONTAG, I hope to collect some valuable information for my +betting readers. + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +THE TIP. + + To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup + Is a thing for which jockeys might quarrel! + But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg up," + He's content to be _last_ on "_Balmoral_." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty +assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on +Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr. +G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all +other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer +pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the +line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father +was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the +circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the +brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality +of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a +wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is +going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the +best man." + +[Illustration: Truculent Tim.] + +Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind +admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word +Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince +ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr. +G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient +circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session; +the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then +the same precaution been observed. + +"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented +on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't +mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is +carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a +Parliament whose days are numbered." + +SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though +under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it +before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock. +SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for +the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night +or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and +sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that +might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of +JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _à propos_ of the +Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either +a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. +"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that +was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by +one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would +depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill +read Second Time. + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL +SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892. + +_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose +the personality of the spectators._] + +_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's +Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling. +A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person +of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A +desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly +to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by +watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his +truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby +Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON +by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval; +GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in +Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain. +With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a +success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE +had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here +again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred? + +"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to +second the Amendment?" + +Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative +proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore +ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back +up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the +Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered. + +This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House, +wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was +a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would +he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the +position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone, +manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever +enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect +anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the +Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID +LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that +abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had +his jest, and the Opposition had his estate. + +_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against +144. + +[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)] + +_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met +shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me. +"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the +place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly +afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will +not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new +Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among +other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left. +I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in +my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers +saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for +forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE +pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that +House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the +close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is, +I will admit, soothing." + +(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in +with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but +isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll +excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again +little later." + +[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."] + +(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells +ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't +lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch +half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present; +must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, +"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again +retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured +there are forty Members present." + +SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before +House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES +determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER +wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a +fiver. + +(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES +looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But +arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and +ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES +KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on +picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds +only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see +why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says +ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and +profitable afternoon." + +_Business done._--House not made. + +_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but +at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday. +"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the +Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the +rate of five miles an hour. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his +bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts +up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and +perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiæ_ to +say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part +of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners +suspend payment; we suspend judgment. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet +sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent +to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's +dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the +letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, +"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a +Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?" + + * * * * * + +"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it +with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along +in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, +is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of +advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares." + + * * * * * + +FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things +better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays; +but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London, +Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard, +but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up." + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her +Majesty takes a Deesided course. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, JUNE 11, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14707-8.txt or 14707-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 11, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: January 16, 2005 [eBook #14707]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 11, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 11, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" + id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + + <h2>A DAY AT ANTWERP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By the "Vacuus Viator."</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>In the Place Verte.</i>—"The traveller," according + to <i>Bædeker</i>, "should at once direct his steps to the + Cathedral." Not going to be bullied by <i>Bædeker</i>! Shall + assert my independence by directing steps somewhere else first. + Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an elderly ghost + with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever knew + all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment + of "<i>The Heavens are Telling</i>," tripped up by the "<i>Old + Hundredth</i>," and falling over "<i>Haydn's Surprise</i>." + Ghost tries back, and just as she seems about to arrive at + something definite—suddenly gives it up as hopeless. To + Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small but highly + intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on + volunteering services. (Why aren't <i>our</i> street-boys + taught French and German in Board Schools?—make all the + difference to foreigners in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of + heroic-sized scriptural statues, introduces me to "Moïse," + "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of him—but I wish + he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with indignation. + Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He informs + me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there + are "RUBENS' peecture—moch fine," and plainly proposes to + conduct me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again—so + accept. Boy clumps on ahead, down alleys, and through + back-streets, and round corners, looking round severely at + intervals to see that I am not giving him the slip. Nice + friendly little fellow—but despotic. Don't seem to be + much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring + disposition.... At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank + him, with apologies for taking him so much out of his way. Boy + demands two francs. Hint, as delicately as possible, that I + consider this estimate of the value of his time and society + somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty centimes. Boy + abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can + <i>not</i> go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy + harassing my rear like this! So undignified. However, shall + find sanctuary with "Sin Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a + distance—chuckling, I am afraid. Shall walk on—not + <i>hurrying</i>, but briskly. Boy gone at last—thank + goodness!—with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/277.png" + alt="'Rosbif!'" /></a>"Rosbif!" + </div> + + <p><i>In the Cathedral.</i>—Being shown round by + Sacristan, in company with two respectable young Britons. "You + shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," says Sacristan, "paint by + RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen hondert florin." + Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with their + tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," + explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their + heads, check it as correct, and evidently feel increased + respect for RUBENS as capable-for an artist—of driving a + good bargain. "RUBENS baint him ven he vas seexteen," which + younger Briton considers "very <i>creditable</i> to him, too!" + They inspect the High Altar, with more clucks, and inform one + another, with the air of Protestants who are above prejudice, + that it's a marvellous piece o' <i>work</i>, though, mind yer! + Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ + is blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de + 'oles, so all be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" + First Briton remarks to me that "That's a rum start, and no + mistake." I agree that it <i>is</i> a rum start. I shall find + myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you scheen yed de + bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan asks + us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of + one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is + not dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. + Second Briton agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His + Companion admits "They've got old GLADSTONE there to a + <i>t</i>"—but adds that "come to <i>that</i>, it might do + for <i>either of</i> 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is opposite, but, + as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only vas gif + him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the + Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting + in de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, <i>now</i> + you see him. Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, <i>ve</i> know, yust a + marble-garvings—a baw releff!' I dell you, nodings of de + kindt. All so flat as a biece of vite baper—com close op. + Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons deeply impressed by this + and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that their own + Cathedrals "ain't <i>in</i> it." "Look at the <i>value</i> of + the things they've <i>got</i> 'ere, you know," they say to me, + clucking, and then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest + way to the Zoo.</p> + + <p><i>At Table d'hôte.</i>—Fellow-countrymen to the fore; + both my immediate neighbours English, but neither shows any + inclination to converse. Rather glad of it; afternoon of + Museums and Galleries instructive—but exhausting. Usual + Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book + intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and + dismally contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in + front of her. It <i>is</i> a depressing object—but why + look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen opposite on being offered + snipe. "Snipe <i>now</i>—Great Scott!" they exclaim, "And + ain't they <i>high</i> too?" One helps himself to some, with a + sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But + even <i>his</i> courage fails on being offered stewed apricots + with it. Close by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, + and a talkative young fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. + Elder man listens to him with a grim and wooden forbearance. + "Ez fur languages," the younger man is saying. "I'd undertake + to learn any language inside of six months. Fur enstance, I got + up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me that <i>isn't</i> a + language, and that's so, but take <i>Latin</i> now, I'd learn + Latin—to write <i>and</i> speak—in a year, Italian + I'd learn in a fortnight—with constant <i>study</i>, you + understand. Then there's German. Well. I cann't <i>read</i> + German—not in their German text, I cann't, and I don't + <i>speak</i> it with fluency, but I can ask my <i>way</i> in + it, and order anything <i>I</i> want, and I reckon that's about + as much as a man requires to know of any language. Will you + take a glass of wine outer my bottle? I've another coming + along." Elder man declines stiffly, on plea that he is almost a + teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says the Harvard man, + "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all right in the + morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you + overnight. I'll tell you what that thing <i>is</i>. It's just + persly—plain ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' + fresh persly first thing you get up, and it don't matter + <i>what</i> you've taken, you'll feel just as <i>bright</i>!" + Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very small + pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself + vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude + to by a means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." + After which he subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut + up.</p> + + <p><i>In the Fumoir.</i>—Two drearily undecided men + trying to make up their minds where to go next. Shall they stay + at Antwerp for a day or two, or go over to Brussels, or go back + to Calais and stay there, or <i>what</i>? "Calais is on their + way <i>home</i>, anyhow," says one, and the other, without + attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to + <i>see</i> at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says + his friend: "all these places much about the same." "Well," + says the first, yawning, "shall we stay where we <i>are</i>?" + "Just as <i>you</i> please," says the other. "No; but what + would <i>you</i> rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm entirely in + <i>your</i> hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse + with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, + "it's dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, + "then you leave it to <i>me</i>—is <i>that</i> it?" + "Haven't I been saying so all along!" growls the other. Second + Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently forcing himself to + come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks up with + relief. "<i>Well</i>," he says, very slowly, "what do + <i>you</i> think about it?" Whereupon they begin all over + again. This indecision is catching—leave them.</p> + + <p><i>In the Street—about</i> 11:30 P.M.—Back from + Variety Theatre. Hotel doors closed. Have rung several + times—no result at present. Curious impression that I + shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for this to-morrow + and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in—chilly out + here. <i>Is</i> there a night-porter? If not—awkward. + Carillon again from Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to + recollect a whole tune at last, picking it out with one finger. + Seem to have heard it before—what the Dickens <i>is</i> + it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the VOKES + Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not + exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... + Unbolting behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to + assure Porter penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish + him good-night instead—pleasantly. Porter + grunts—<i>un</i>pleasantly. Depressing to be grunted at + the last thing at night. To bed, chastened.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" + id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + + <h2>THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously + successful but tyrannously ubiquitous + "<i>Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!</i>" is beginning, at last, to + wane.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and + wondering what she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into + familiar strains:—</i></p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/278-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>What will you do, Love?</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What shall I do now? My song was going</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a tide flowing, all Booms + beyond;</p> + + <p>What shall I do, though, when critics hide it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cads deride it who're now so + fond?</p> + + <p>"Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" + deriding!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Nought is abiding—that's sadly + true!</p> + + <p>I'll pray for another Sensation Notion.</p> + + <p class="i2">With deep emotion—that's what I'll + do!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(<i>Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively</i>):—</p> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s + Halls.</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The harp that once through Music Halls</p> + + <p class="i2">Sheer maddening rapture shed,</p> + + <p>Now hangs as mute on willow-walls</p> + + <p class="i2">As though that Boom were dead.</p> + + <p>So dims the pride of former days,</p> + + <p class="i2">So fame's fine thrill is o'er,</p> + + <p>And throngs who once yelled high with praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now find the Boom a bore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more to toffs and totties bright</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell.</p> + + <p>The gloom that hailed my turn to-night</p> + + <p class="i2">Sad tales of "staleness" tell.</p> + + <p>The Chorus now will seldom wake,</p> + + <p class="i2">The old mad cheers who gives?</p> + + <p>And LOTTIE some new ground must break</p> + + <p class="i2">To prove that still she lives.</p> + </div> + </div><i>She harketh back to the old strain:—</i> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What would you do now if distant tidings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy fame's confidings should + undermine,—</p> + + <p>Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies,</p> + + <p class="i2">In the public eyes yet more bright than + thine?</p> + + <p>Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame</p> + + <p class="i2">On my new-made name, and it can't be + true.</p> + + <p>This far fame of mine, did some rival share it,</p> + + <p class="i2">I could not bear it—what + <i>would</i> I do?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What would you do, now, if home returning,</p> + + <p class="i2">With anger burning at the fickle + crew,</p> + + <p>You found the prospect of another Boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">To dispel your gloom—ah! what would + you do?</p> + + <p>Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow</p> + + <p class="i2">And banish sorrow, and raise my + "screw."</p> + + <p>I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the + willow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And with tears my pillow no more + bedew.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO BE, OR NOT TO BE—DISCOVERED!</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Borough.</i> TIME—<i>Within + measurable distance of the General Election. Enter</i> + BROWN <i>and</i> JONES.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown.</i> Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you + purpose standing for Parliament. You are a first-class man, + and the House will be all the better for having your + assistance.</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did + intend to stand for Parliament, but since the Archbishop + has published his letter, I have determined to retire from + the contest.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have + been in the House for years and I assure you I have never + met a more suitable man for the place. Why, my dear JONES, + you are absolutely cut out for Parliament—absolutely + cut out for it!</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>sadly</i>). I wish I could think so. + But alas, no, after the Archbishop's letter, I must, I will + give it up.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> Have you not made the question of the + Criminal Code your own?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> Yes, but I must admit (and I make the + admission with shame) that years ago at school I was + rightly accused of stealing apples.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> And was the accusation believed—were + you punished?</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>struggling with his emotion</i>). Alas! + it was, and I received (from the Bench) a severe reprimand. + It brings the red blood into my cheeks—a severe + reprimand!</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. Then you know all about the Libel + Acts,—you are up in a slander?</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>bitterly</i>). And should I not be? Do + you not know that I was once fined ten shillings and costs + for saying that a drunken cook was intoxicated!</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> Surely there was not much harm in + that?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> It was immoral to call the cook + intoxicated, and the Archbishop says, "that persons + previously condemned on grounds of immorality of all kinds + are not proper legislators." Under the circumstances I have + detailed, I should not be a proper legislator!</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> But look at me! Here am I living a free + life, doing exactly what I please, and deserving the + censure of the Bench five times a week! I will undertake to + say that you are three times as good a fellow as I am; yet + I am as certain of my seat as possible.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>sadly</i>). But there is a gulf between + us—the gulf that divides not-entirely-conscious + innocence and half-imaginary vice. You are safe, and I am + not.</p> + + <p><i>Brown.</i> I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather + let me mend the question—why do you think your chance + of being elected so small?</p> + + <p><i>Jones.</i> Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found + out!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon conventional virtue + perfunctorily triumphant.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."—<i>Justice North's Judgment in the + Copyright Action "Walter</i> v. <i>Steinkopff</i>."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So "Stand and deliver!" will not <i>quite</i> do</p> + + <p>In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two;</p> + + <p>And if you are caught on the Queen's highway,</p> + + <p>With a something for which you've omitted to + pay,</p> + + <p>No use to try putting in—under your + breath—</p> + + <p>The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thanks to the <i>Times</i> and to Justice NORTH!</p> + + <p>The highway—of-News—may be clearer + henceforth</p> + + <p>Of robber daring and footpad sly.</p> + + <p>To stop a coach, or to fake a cly,</p> + + <p>Boldly to lift or astutely sneak,</p> + + <p>Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak,</p> + + <p>And he shall not shelter himself beneath</p> + + <p>The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Autolycus</i> now must buy his wares,</p> + + <p>And not with his neighbours go (<i>gratis</i>) + shares.</p> + + <p>"Thou shalt not steal—not even brains,"</p> + + <p>Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains.</p> + + <p>Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the + <i>Times</i>!</p> + + <p>Plain new definitions of ancient crimes</p> + + <p>Are needful now when robbers unsheath</p> + + <p>The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/278-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine,</p> + + <p>Ici tu viens en souveraine,</p> + + <p>Where "Britons never will be slaves,"</p> + + <p>And "BRITANNIA rules the waves."</p> + + <p>(Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!)</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" + id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/279.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/279.png" + alt="THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE." /></a> + + <h3>THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY,</p> + + <p>KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY;</p> + + <p>WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY,</p> + + <p>GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."—A Junior urging a + ridiculous plea.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.—<i>Hugo</i> in future is to + be remembered as "<i>Victor Hugo</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" + id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> + + <h2>OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/280-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280-1.png" + alt="Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-'cupping' as a remedy." /> + </a>Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a + remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday.</i>—GOUNOD's <i>Roméo et Juliette</i>. + <i>Les deux frères</i> ("Brothers of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, + excellent respectively as <i>Romeo</i> and <i>Friar + Laurent</i>. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but + eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But + Brother JOHN, in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid + face, look so unhealthy a <i>Romeo</i> that his appearance must + have first excited <i>Juliet's</i> pity, which we all know is + akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is to "lighten the + part," and "do it on his head,"—which, being summed up, + means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. <i>Juliette + Eames</i> charming. <i>Nurse Bauermeister</i> too young. + <i>Tybalt Montariol</i>, when killed, must not lie "toes up" + too close to Curtain. Friendly members of Capulet faction + rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have suffered. + M. DUFRICHE, as <i>Mercutio</i>, mistaken for EDOUARD DE + RESZKÉ. Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The + Friar only complicates matters, but death of <i>Mercutio</i> + settles it. The survivor is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, + late of English Comic Opera, appears as the <i>Duke of + Verona</i>, and everyone admires his Grace.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/280-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280-2.png" + alt="Vaults on both sides." /></a>Vaults on both + sides. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<i>Orféo.</i> Everyone talking of + to-morrow's Derby. Bets "taken and Orf-"eo.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Derby Day + Night</i>—celebrated by performance of <i>Philemon</i> + and <i>Cavalleria</i>. Both favourites. But in honour of the + winner <i>Hugo</i>, the Opera ought to have been the + <i>Hugo-nots.</i></p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—<i>Lohengrin.</i> <i>Rentrée</i> of + Madame NORDICA as <i>Elsa</i>, who couldn't be bettered by + anybody Elser. <i>Lohengrin</i> is "The Johnnie of the Opera," + <i>i.e.</i>, JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he + appear in dark hair as in <i>Romeo</i>; but as a Knight light, + suitable to the time of year.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Il Vascello Fantasma</i>, which is + the <i>Flying Dutchman</i> with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely + restored to us as the charming <i>Senta</i>—quite an + Eighty-per-<i>Senta</i>—of attraction. Awful appearance + of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing + conversation in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old + Epsom Salts," talking about <i>Flying Dutchman's</i> year, + 1849,</p> + + <p><i>Saturday.</i>—Progress reported generally. MELBA + very good. Miss EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House + counted out by midnight. DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby + Week.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.</h2> + + <p>We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? + Didn't they jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us + Waiters, as all true gents allus is, and didn't they amost + shout theirselves hoarse when the LORD MARE got up to perpose + the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, not by no means, or they + woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls their Nashnal + Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears cum into + my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him + glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a + werry nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave + out their pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, + out of site out of mind! but they makes up for it by calling + the Land of their Fathers, their Mother country, so it comes + all rite in the end.</p> + + <p>The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their + favrit song, "Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "<i>Poor</i> + MARY ANN!" so I should think indeed.</p> + + <p>I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no + gent by the name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized.</p> + + <p>I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General + Gimrig," which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all + no afore what a wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales + is. Why we had about a duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, + and as if that wosn't rayther a staggerer, we had no less than + four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns to match, about thirty + Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of Welch Mares.</p> + + <p>I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch + enthusyasm and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin + <i>our</i> Nashnal Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their + recepshun of the LORD MARE when he guv 'em the Toast of the + hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung to their feet, Bishups, and + Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and M.P.'s and all, and + shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and then gave + three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I + wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em.</p> + + <p>BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal + bit of fun. When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach + as was rayther too long for them as wanted to heer the lovely + Welch mewsic, they began for to hammer on the table with our + bewtifool silver spoons and reel cut glasses, meaning to say, + "That's about enuff," but the pore delewded Horrator thort it + meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" So he kep it up + till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he kindly sat + down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded me of a + simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. + "Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," + and I takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As + our Grate Poet says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane + as you are"! Upon the whole, I wentures to think as the Welch + Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord Mare EVANS, was about the most + sucksessful as I have ewer assisted at during my menny years of + such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by saying, I should werry + much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his hand in the + same Nashnal way.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A TIP-TOP TIPSTER.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In some spirited verses that appeared in the + <i>Sportsman</i>, on the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN + TREW-HAY, alone amongst the prophets, selected <i>Sir + Hugo</i> as the winner.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his + fun,</p> + + <p>For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to + one,</p> + + <p>And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You + go</p> + + <p>To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for <i>Sir + Hugo</i>.</p> + + <p>But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may + laugh,</p> + + <p>That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean + chaff.</p> + + <p>Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can + rue</p> + + <p>That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was + TREW!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."—He had had two basins of + Turtle. He asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" + was the Waiter's answer. The Alderman said not a word; he + smiled a sickly smile. There was no help for it, or "no helping + of it," as he truthfully put it. He would do his best with the + remainder of the <i>menu</i>. The resignation of the Alderman + was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the City + Waiter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" + id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + + <h2>BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fable somewhat in the fashion of "Uncle Remus," but + with applications nearer home.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281.png" + alt="Brer Fox and Ole Man Crow." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter + see!"</p> + + <p>En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail.</p> + + <p>"Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer,</p> + + <p>So's ter know w'at's w'at; en <i>yer</i> needn't + fear!"</p> + + <p class="i8">"Oho! Oho!"</p> + + <p class="i8">Sez Ole Man Crow.</p> + + <p>"But der Irish butter I've a notion dat <i>I</i> + know!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce,</p> + + <p>But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce.</p> + + <p>"Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?"</p> + + <p class="i4">Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee;</p> + + <p>"Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove</p> + + <p class="i2">Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder + free;</p> + + <p>Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM</p> + + <p>Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam!</p> + + <p>Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet—</p> + + <p>Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet!</p> + + <p>Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow,</p> + + <p>Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim + Crow!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown.</p> + + <p>Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," + sezee.</p> + + <p class="i2">"But yer better come down,</p> + + <p class="i2">Der is foes a broozin' roun'</p> + + <p>W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North + Countree.</p> + + <p>You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North + yo' pitch,</p> + + <p>For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in + der las' ditch!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee,</p> + + <p>"You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' + atter me;</p> + + <p>But I speck you done come to de end er de row.</p> + + <p>You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man + Crow.</p> + + <p>"I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near + dis rail.</p> + + <p>You wun't tempt me wid de butter—or der + powder—on yo' tail.</p> + + <p>Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze,</p> + + <p>For dis is de way de worril goes;</p> + + <p>Some goes up en some goes down.</p> + + <p><i>You</i>'ll get ter de bottom all safe en + soun'!</p> + + <p>I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en + den,</p> + + <p>En—well, I'll try ter <i>look</i>, des as + <i>frightened</i> as I ken!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that + Captain FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a + Vane attempt. "The chance," said the <i>Times</i>, "of such a + prize as Raby Castle, with £60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a + man to think his arguments and claims are better than they + really are." Raby Castle on the brain would soon become a sort + of Rabies.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Prepared for the Halls in compliance with the + suggestions of Mr. Plunket's Committee.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An open space outside Elsinore. View of + the Palace and the Battlements.</i> HAMLET <i>discovered + talking to the</i> Ghost.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Ham.</i> And is it really within thy power to show me + illustrations to the story that has so much interested + me?</p> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> It is! Behold!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He waves his bâton and a rock becomes + transparent, displaying a tableau of the play-scene in + "Hamlet."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It + was after I had met thee, and thou hadst told me the sad + story of thy decease by my Uncle. And then I contrived this + device to catch the conscience of the King! Thou art + sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring + poison—real poison—into thy ear! and look, the + King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how it all comes back to me! + (<i>The rock resumes its normal condition.</i>) And canst + thou show me more?</p> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> Ay, and I will! Behold!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a + tableau representing the Burial of</i> OPHELIA.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>deeply interested</i>). Why, these must + be the maimed rites that were all that was given to my poor + lost love—the lady I desired to visit a + nunnery—to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic + Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The vision fades away like its + predecessor.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Ghost.</i> I would, did not the decision of statute + law limit the time. And now I must away. But mind, my + son—six principal characters, and no more! Thou wilt + remember!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (<i>The</i> + Ghost <i>disappears.</i>) And so I have to meet LAERTES at + a fencing-bout. I will!</p> + + <p><i>Trumpets. Enter</i> King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC + <i>and Court.</i></p> + + <p><i>King.</i> HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st + thou be the victor at to-day's trial of skill!</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>heard from below</i>). Remember! Six + principal characters. He and thou and I are three. Three! + Six, and no more!</p> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> (<i>aside</i>). Peace, perturbed + spirit!</p> + + <p><i>Laertes</i> (<i>approaching</i>). My good Lord, I + wish thee well, for I do love thee.</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>from below</i>). Four! + Remember—Four! Six, and no more! and mind the time + goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone!</p> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> (<i>aside</i>). Peace, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) The foils!</p> + + <p><i>Osric</i> (<i>approaching</i>). My Lord, the + weapons!</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). He maketh five! Beware! + Six, and no more!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Rest, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) I will take this one!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HAMLET <i>and</i> LAERTES <i>take the foils and + salute.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>King.</i> Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first + bout. OSRIC, be ready to give him a cup when he is tired! + Mind me well. (<i>Aside.</i>) The cup of which HAMLET shall + drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time will come! I + triumph!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HAMLET <i>and</i> LAERTES <i>fence and drop their + foils.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Osric.</i>—Let me return them, good Sirs!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they + are exchanged.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>King.</i> Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the + other cup.</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant + of breath, but I will crush a cup with thee, later!</p> + + <p><i>Queen.</i> Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, + HAMLET! [<i>Drinks.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). I hear the + well-remembered voice of thy mother, boy! That makes six. + The limit's reached!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Rest, perturbed spirit! + (<i>Aloud.</i>) And now, good LAERTES, I am at thy + service.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They fight.</i> HAMLET <i>is wounded.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Osric.</i> A hit, a hit, a palpable hit!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). I am hurt, and by + thee!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Fights fiercely and wounds</i> LAERTES.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Queen.</i> Oh! I am poisoned! [<i>Dies.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> What, treachery! Ah, thou brute!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Rushes up and kills</i> King <i>with his + foil.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Laertes.</i> I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was + the doing of the King. [<i>Dies.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). Twenty and nine minutes + have expired! The time is all but up!</p> + + <p><i>Ham.</i> (<i>aside, with difficulty</i>). Rest, + perturbed spirit! Farewell, farewell, a long farewell to + all my—</p> + + <p><i>Ghost</i> (<i>as before</i>). Ring down! The time is + up!</p> + </div> + + <center> + (<i>Quick Curtain</i>) + </center> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" + id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/282.png" + alt="A GENTLE EGOTIST." /></a> + + <h3>A GENTLE EGOTIST.</h3><i>The Brilliant Jones</i> + (<i>who likes an appreciative audience—to his + Hostess</i>). "OH, THERE!—IT'S NO USE—I GIVE IT + UP! CONVERSATION'S IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE <i>WILL</i> + TALK!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED."</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C.</i> + SALISBURY <i>(Captain) and</i> BALFOUR <i>(Champion Bat) at + Wickets. The latter has just despatched the ball to the + boundary for "another four," eliciting "applause all round + the ring," as the (Cricket) saying is.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Captain</i>. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR!</p> + + <p><i>Champion Bat</i> (<i>modestly</i>). + Ah! + bit of a fluke.</p> + + <p><i>Captain</i>. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit + rebuke,</p> + + <p class="i4">But take your fair <i>kudos</i>; don't run + yourself down.</p> + + <p><i>Wicket-Keeper</i> (<i>aside</i>). Bah! that's his old + trick. At the ball he will frown,</p> + + <p class="i4">And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't + care,</p> + + <p class="i4">Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game + he's all there.</p> + + <p class="i4">Mere posing, not playing the game,—yet + he <i>scores</i>!</p> + + <p class="i4">I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic + roars</p> + + <p class="i4">At their flashy young favourite?</p> + + <p><i>Bowler</i> + (<i>aside</i>). Humph! + he lays on!</p> + + <p class="i4">I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket + was gone.</p> + + <p class="i4">'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old + sort.</p> + + <p class="i4">Good batting <i>and</i> bowling, that's true + Cricket sport,</p> + + <p class="i4">As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was + the case</p> + + <p class="i4">When he bowled and PILCH batted.</p> + + <p><i>Champion Bat</i> + (<i>aside</i>). Just + twig HARCOURT's face!</p> + + <p class="i4">Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear + his "How's <i>that</i>?"—</p> + + <p class="i4">If I gave him a chance?</p> + + <p> + <i>Captain</i>. He's + a fine slogging bat,</p> + + <p class="i4">But behind the sticks—humph! Well, + let's see, lad, your score</p> + + <p class="i4">Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two + more</p> + + <p class="i4">Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The + Cricketer's Bard</p> + + <p class="i4">Will be rhyming your doings!</p> + + <p><i>Champion + Bat</i>. An + awful "reward"!</p> + + <p class="i4">But shall we play on?</p> + + <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). + Well, + now, what do you think?</p> + + <p class="i4">From fighting it out to the end I don't + shrink,</p> + + <p class="i4">But time's running short; <i>we</i> stand + well for a win:</p> + + <p class="i4">They <i>say</i> that their eager desire's to + go in.</p> + + <p class="i4">Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be + posed.</p> + + <p class="i4">Suppose we declare that our innings is + closed?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left considering it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>"PROBABLE STARTERS."</h3> + + <p>The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end + uppermost.</p> + + <p>The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite + unexpected appearance in the Kitchen.</p> + + <p>Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend + to business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes + face to face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton + Lock.</p> + + <p>LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter + Husband.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"TEXTUEL."—Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing + portions of a conversation between two Gentlemen who were + evidently provincial Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I + agree with you. We have settled to re-open our pits at a + reduction of ten per cent." "I beg pardon, Gentlemen," + anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just returned from the + race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and back on a + drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission to + the pit is to be so largely reduced—" Then they explained + to him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was + immensely relieved, and immediately invited his two + acquaintances to partake of refreshment on board the Houseboat + now moored off King William Street, Charing Cross.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"TE DUCE," &c.—Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," + are requested by Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their + subscriptions to Memorial in Eton College Chapel. A Ducie'd + good idea.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.—Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to + "SHIPTON's" Prophecies.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" + id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/283.png" + alt="'INNINGS CLOSED.'" /></a> + + <h3>"INNINGS CLOSED."</h3>RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU + THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS INNINGS <i>CLOSED</i>?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" + id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <h2>THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.—THE DUFFER IN LOVE.</h3> + + <p>Mrs. McDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this + confession is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was + pretty, and when I do not answer (for where is the use of + argument in such a case?), she remarks that I am too + short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty or not. This + appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the flank + of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it + is not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as + to reason with a woman. If you score a point (and how many + times one sees an opening in the fair one's harness), a woman + is angry, or cries, or both, and there is no repartee to that + <i>ultima ratio</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/285.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285.png" + alt="'It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of female voices.'" /> + </a>"It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of + female voices." + </div> + + <p>I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; + pleasant, and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities + yet. I do not believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades + himself that he was a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a + girl becomes quite another person, and usually very stout and + stupid, because she has preferred someone else to himself. No, + if we met to-morrow—But Fortune forbid that we should + meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of CECILIA. + I had some,—an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and + other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, + and in my absence that bureau was traded away for a new + æsthetic article, relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor + poet bought the piece of furniture, and found the things, and + wrote a poem on them. That is what makes me uncomfortable. If + CECILIA sees the poem in one of the Magazines, and remembers + the incidents which the souvenirs recall, she will certainly + not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I wrote the + poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded + their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated.</p> + + <p>I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each + other at dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in + novels,—she knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, + like me, she was very fond of field sports. I flattered myself + that she did not find my company uncongenial. In the evening + there was a little dance: I don't dance, or at least, it was + some time since I had danced, not in fact since the used to + make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated it! + However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, + though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, + dangerously so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know + how they describe waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the + wild impassioned delight. Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. + Well, it was not at all like that.</p> + + <p>I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there + was a buzz. I think there was a collision. I became extremely + dizzy.... When I recovered my senses, it was <i>not</i> to find + the dark grey eyes of CECILIA bending over me with an + expression of anxiety. No, she was not there. I went to bed: I + know there was a great contusion on my elbow.</p> + + <p>Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. + Now I could not skate. At school, when there was a skating + holiday, I always passed it beside the fire, which I had all to + myself, roasting apples, and reading <i>Ivanhoe</i>. These were + among my happiest hours. However, I did not tell CECILIA that I + could not skate. I pretended (it seemed safe) to be desperately + fond of hunting, and to despise skating. Besides I had work, + literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss AUSTEN. This + pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I was + bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair + of "Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and + buckles of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where + nobody came, and thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a + bed-room chair. They say that pushing a chair in front of you + is a good way to learn. My terror was extreme; it would be + awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, stealing a bed-room + chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of CECILIA I + was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry + ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary + labours, I sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put + on the skates. It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert + do it, like Mercury donning his winged shoon, and sailing over + the ice. But my hands grew blue as I struggled with the key and + the nuts, till I became certain that my boots were in + fault.</p> + + <p>There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and + returned, to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, + good man, rose to the situation, and pointed out what I had + surmised to be the case, viz., that the heels of my boots were + too long to allow the chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the + lever, and admit at the same time of the other end of the heel + being gripped by the cramps,—but he promised to whittle + away part of the heel, and send the skates home without delay: + and he was as good as his word.</p> + + <p>This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my + room. I walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to + work again: gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was + wholly unprepared for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even + though forewarned to some extent by the painful experiences of + <i>Mr. Winkle</i>. I had read that the skater "is very highly + favoured when contending with the great enemy of motion, viz., + friction," a proposition which I found to be perfectly true. My + legs developed separatist tendencies, and started on + independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in a + position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for + the chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape + across the ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was + while thus engaged that I heard a sound of female voices, and, + lo! there were CECILIA and two other girls, who had heard of + this pond in the wood, and come to try it. I presented a + singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room chair in the + middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should never be + ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to be + frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could + I offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all + this for her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except + dancing), I had hoped to make myself more worthy of "figuring" + in her society. But, as a matter of fact, I never got so far as + figures.</p> + + <p>Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of + riding with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. + BROWNING. I don't like to speak about it. When we got off the + road on to the turf my horse began to kick and plunge. I have + read that it is not right, but I did what I always do, I held + on by the pummel. Would <i>you</i> not hold on by the carpet, + in an earthquake. It felt like a young and lively earthquake. + We came home soon, <i>CECILIA leading my horse</i>. People + staying in the house met us.</p> + + <p>I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like <i>Sir Andrew + Aguecheek</i>, "It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the + odds were probably even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines + meet thine eyes, thou wilt know that one heart still is true. + In another life, less begirt by material difficulties, we may + meet amongst the asphodel, where there is no opportunity for + the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. Till then, + <i>au revoir</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>APPROPRIATE.—At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech + gymnasts, in a goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks + in French, with a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took + this as a great compliment to his own nationality, the + champagne being "<i>très Czech</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" + id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/286-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286-1.png" + alt="TROP DE ZÈLE." /></a> + + <h3>TROP DE ZÈLE.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>An Aristocratic Tip.</i>) + </center> + + <p><i>The New Companion</i> (<i>fresh from Girtham + College</i>). "YES, LADY JANE, I SAW <i>H</i>ER, WITH + <i>H</i>ER <i>H</i>ABITUAL <i>H</i>YPOCRISY <i>H</i>OLDING + OUT <i>H</i>ER <i>H</i>AND TO <i>H</i>IS AS <i>H</i>E WAS + <i>H</i>ARANGUING AT <i>H</i>IS <i>H</i>OTEL—"</p> + + <p><i>Lady Jane.</i> "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN + YOUR H'S SO CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR + FATHER AND MOTHER DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO + PICK 'EM UP!" [<i>And People wouldn't be very far + wrong.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Of my two selections to supply the + last Horse in the Derby—one—<i>La Flêche</i>, so + far forgot what was due to my prophetic utterances as to finish + <i>second</i>—and indeed, very nearly <i>win</i>! + However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the + absurd wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers + will see that no blame attaches to <i>me</i>—as the mare + would doubtless not have hurried so much had she been left to + her own devices—(the sex notoriously dislikes + hurry)—it being a well-known fact that she would make a + race with a donkey!—though why donkey races should be + spoken of with such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one + with Lord ARTHUR on Hampstead Heath—(it was during our + engagement, when people will do foolish things; we had been + "slumming," and he was disguised in "pearlies," whilst I was + gowned "<i>à la</i> 'ARRIETT")—and I assure you our + Donkeys went very fast. However—this is a + digression—as the man said when he walked over the cliff, + so let us "<i>noch einmal zu unser schafen</i>," as the German + proverb runs. Although disappointed in the behaviour of <i>La + Flêche</i>, my second string <i>Llanthony</i> maintained my + reputation for correct tips, by running <i>last</i>, as I said + he would!—It is true that some papers report him as + having finished seventh and <i>El Diablo</i> last; but as he + did not <i>win</i>, he might just as well have been last as + seventh—and as I am sure my friend Lord ELTHAM will not + mind the placings being reversed—I therefore place + <i>Llanthony</i> last—and those of my readers who took my + advice and backed him, will have every reason to congratulate + themselves when they draw their money!</p> + + <p>With regard to the winner, <i>Sir Hugo</i>, whose success + was a general surprise to all except myself—(surprise is + bad form)—I can only follow the example of all other + writers on turf matters in declaring that, "he always had my + good word, and was in fact my winter favourite, as anyone can + see who will take the trouble to glance through my earlier + advices!"—these will be difficult to find, as they were + only conveyed in private letters which will not be published + until my biography is written later on!—(very much, I + hope). Still, had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to + tip the <i>Winner</i>, <i>Sir Hugo</i> would undoubtedly have + been my sole selection—a fact which should not fail to + weigh with my followers—and I <i>have</i> followers in + plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows!</p> + + <p>Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a + rest to get ready for Ascot—(four new gowns to try + on)—and besides there are some smart parties to attend + next week, so Doncaster will not be blessed with my sweet + presence. However, I have a friend there on the Press <i>who + can be trusted</i>. So, in concluding this letter with my + selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able + to recommend it <i>very</i> strongly, as my friend will do the + placing; and as <i>I</i> am not there, no collusion can be + suspected!</p> + + <p>I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom + Downs for the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I + should like to see done away with, namely, the so-called "glove + contests"—which to my mind are not calculated to advance + "England's greatness" nor are they pleasing to look on at. The + "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly a fine thing, but is + hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes heroes of + Dusky Warriors!</p> + + <p>I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to + have a most successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable + absence of Royalty; indeed he could have let all the Boxes + twice over—and as I shall be staying there all the week + with my friends the Baron and Baroness LUTHER VON MONTAG, I + hope to collect some valuable information for my betting + readers.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h4>THE TIP.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup</p> + + <p class="i2">Is a thing for which jockeys might + quarrel!</p> + + <p>But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg + up,"</p> + + <p class="i2">He's content to be <i>last</i> on + "<i>Balmoral</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 30.</i>—House met + to-day, with pretty assumption of things being just as usual. + SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on Table; paper loaded with questions; + House even moderately full. Mr. G. not present, but SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD makes up for that, and all other deficiencies. Quite + radiant in white waistcoat and summer pants; wish he would + crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the line at that. + "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father was a + dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the + circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under + the brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete + joviality of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the + best man at a wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he + said; "Mr. G. is going to the country to wed the majority at + the polls, and I'm the best man."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/286-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286-2.png" + alt="Truculent Tim." /></a>Truculent Tim. + </div> + + <p>Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the + wind admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that + blessed word Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, + Mr. G. and Prince ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the + word not uttered. Mr. G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's + sometime, in some convenient circumstances, making a statement + as to the business of the Session; the Prince, adopting the + phraseology, said he would do so. Since then the same + precaution been observed.</p> + + <p>"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I + commented on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, + people don't mention in his presence the particular form of + disease that is carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of + Dissolution in a Parliament whose days are numbered."</p> + + <p>SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, + though under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have + delivered it before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening + at eleven o'clock. SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the + audience inadequate for the oration; insisted upon postponing + it. Must be delivered <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" + id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> to-night or never; so + worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and + sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an + opportunity that might be final, joined in debate. Audience + being chiefly composed of JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of + genially observing, <i>à propos</i> of the Bill, that if he + had to spend his time on a desert island with either a Chief + Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. + "I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for + the one that was left. Within a week the population would + certainly be reduced by one-half. Whether the survivor would + be TIM or the other one, would depend upon circumstances." + <i>Business done.</i>—Irish Education Bill read Second + Time.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/287.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287.png" + alt="THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL + SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892.</h3><i>At the earnest + request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose the + personality of the spectators.</i> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" + id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting + WILFRID LAWSON's Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, + most excellent fooling. A dangerous thing to play practical + jokes with House; only a person of ELCHO's supreme coolness + would have faced the fearful odds. A desperate man having done + so, might, by swerving however slightly to left or right, have + made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by watchful House. + GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his truncated + speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby Day + fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID + LAWSON by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted + disapproval; GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the + unfinished window in Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared + joke unfinished must remain. With this awful warning, ELCHO + rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a success from first + moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE had + something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; + here again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred?</p> + + <p>"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, + "rise to second the Amendment?"</p> + + <p>Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct + negative proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question + to the fore ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was + now going to back up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an + exquisite jape, worthy of the Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, + Sir," he gravely answered.</p> + + <p>This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded + House, wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at + it. But it was a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could + ELCHO do it? Would he spoil it by going too far, or would he + shrink affrighted from the position audaciously assumed? He did + just the right thing, in tone, manner, and matter, affording + the House the merriest moments ever enjoyed on a deathbed. It + seemed so good that it was idle to expect anything better to + follow. But something there was. It was the Division, in which + ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID LAWSON, acted + as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that abolished + the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had + his jest, and the Opposition had his estate.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Motion for Derby Day negatived + by 158 Votes against 144.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-1.png" + alt="'6 to 4.' (<i>t. and o.</i>)" /> + </a>"6 to 4." (<i>t. and o.</i>) + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in + Commons. House met shortly after twelve; when I say House, I + mean the SPEAKER and me. "Dearly beloved TOBY," said the + SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the place to ourselves." But + presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly afraid that he + should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will not be + extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new + Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand + among other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what + time is left. I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. + Margaret's. Proudest moment in my life, TOBY, when the other + Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers saying to another, 'Man + and boy I've been in this 'ere church for forty year, but I + never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE pitches his.' + It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that House of + Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the + close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest + Verger is, I will admit, soothing."</p> + + <p>(12:25.)—GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD strolls in with the pleased expression of a man who + might be at the Derby, but isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; + all told only 13. "If you'll excuse me. Gentlemen," said the + SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again little later."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-2.png" + alt="'Formerly of the Herts Militia.'" /></a>"Formerly + of the Herts Militia." + </div> + + <p>(1 P.M.)—SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves + Count; bells ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; + no deception; wasn't lurking about with intent to show up in + House, then rush off to catch half-past twelve train for Epsom. + Heads counted; only 19 present; must have forty or no House. + "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "this won't do. The + Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again retire, and + won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured there + are forty Members present."</p> + + <p>SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours + before House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? + ELLIOT LEES determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (<i>t. + and o.</i>); HENRY FOWLER wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something + on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a fiver.</p> + + <p>(4 P.M.)—SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; + ELLIOT LEES looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only + pull it off. But arrival of half a dozen Members would upset + everything. ROBY and ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors + trying to bring men in; LEES KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing + of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on picket-duty to last moment, + nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds only 35. "The House + will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see why we should + have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says ELLIOT + LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and + profitable afternoon."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—House not made.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—House met at two o'clock; might have + sat till seven; but at five minutes to five gently broke up. + Won't be back till Thursday. "Not much of a holiday." said + Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the Herts Militia; "better make + the most of it;" and he set off at the rate of five miles an + hour.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Adjourned for the Whitsun + Recess.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/288-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-3.png" + alt="The vigorous vicar." /></a> + </div> + + <p>THE VIGOROUS VICAR.—Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which + place his bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is + already there, acts up to his name, as a Member of the Church + Militant, with pluck and perseverance, whether right or wrong + it is not for <i>amicus curiæ</i> to say. But, it may be asked, + is this action for the rates, on the part of the Vicar, a + Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners suspend + payment; we suspend judgment.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY NATURAL ERROR.—A gentleman who up till now has + been a quiet sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." + about him, sent to excuse himself from appearing at our old + friend Mrs. RAM's dinner-party, because as he wrote to her + nephew, who read the letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall + Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, "Prize-fighting beginning again! + And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a Member of Parliament? He + ought to know better. Where are the police?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"IT WILL WASH!"—"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, + stop—spell it with an "a," and make it "Pears,"—now + a Company Limited. Going along in first-rate style. The Pears' + Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, is to be a new edition of + "<i>His Soaps Fables</i>." Next form of + advertisement,—"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' + Soap Shares."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.—The old saying applies, "They + do these things better in France." London prefers to go to + Paris for its French plays; but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT + and a COQUELIN, come over to London, Londoners give the lady a + chance of making her charming voice heard, but the clever + French actor has, literally, to "shut up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ROYAL DECISION.—When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to + Mar Lodge, Her Majesty takes a Deesided course.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 11, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14707-h.txt or 14707-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/0/14707</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 11, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 16, 2005 [eBook #14707] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, JUNE 11, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14707-h.htm or 14707-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h/14707-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +JUNE 11, 1892 + + + + + + + +A DAY AT ANTWERP. + +(BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR.") + +_In the Place Verte._--"The traveller," according to _Baedeker_, +"should at once direct his steps to the Cathedral." Not going to be +bullied by _Baedeker_! Shall assert my independence by directing steps +somewhere else first. Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an +elderly ghost with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever +knew all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment +of "_The Heavens are Telling_," tripped up by the "_Old Hundredth_," +and falling over "_Haydn's Surprise_." Ghost tries back, and just as +she seems about to arrive at something definite--suddenly gives it +up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small +but highly intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on +volunteering services. (Why aren't _our_ street-boys taught French +and German in Board Schools?--make all the difference to foreigners +in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of heroic-sized scriptural statues, +introduces me to "Moise," "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of +him--but I wish he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with +indignation. Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He +informs me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there +are "RUBENS' peecture--moch fine," and plainly proposes to conduct +me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again--so accept. Boy clumps +on ahead, down alleys, and through back-streets, and round corners, +looking round severely at intervals to see that I am not giving him +the slip. Nice friendly little fellow--but despotic. Don't seem to be +much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring disposition.... +At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank him, with apologies +for taking him so much out of his way. Boy demands two francs. Hint, +as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value +of his time and society somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty +centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can +_not_ go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy harassing my rear +like this! So undignified. However, shall find sanctuary with "Sin +Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a distance--chuckling, I am afraid. +Shall walk on--not _hurrying_, but briskly. Boy gone at last--thank +goodness!--with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!" + +[Illustration: "Rosbif!"] + +_In the Cathedral._--Being shown round by Sacristan, in company with +two respectable young Britons. "You shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," +says Sacristan, "paint by RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen +hondert florin." Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with +their tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," +explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads, +check it as correct, and evidently feel increased respect for RUBENS +as capable-for an artist--of driving a good bargain. "RUBENS baint +him ven he vas seexteen," which younger Briton considers "very +_creditable_ to him, too!" They inspect the High Altar, with more +clucks, and inform one another, with the air of Protestants who are +above prejudice, that it's a marvellous piece o' _work_, though, mind +yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ is +blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de 'oles, so all +be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" First Briton remarks +to me that "That's a rum start, and no mistake." I agree that it _is_ +a rum start. I shall find myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you +scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan +asks us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of +one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is not +dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. Second Briton +agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His Companion admits +"They've got old GLADSTONE there to a _t_"--but adds that "come +to _that_, it might do for _either of_ 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is +opposite, but, as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only +vas gif him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the +Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in +de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, _now_ you see him. +Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, _ve_ know, yust a marble-garvings--a baw +releff!' I dell you, nodings of de kindt. All so flat as a biece +of vite baper--com close op. Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons +deeply impressed by this and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that +their own Cathedrals "ain't _in_ it." "Look at the _value_ of the +things they've _got_ 'ere, you know," they say to me, clucking, and +then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest way to the Zoo. + +_At Table d'hote._--Fellow-countrymen to the fore; both my immediate +neighbours English, but neither shows any inclination to converse. +Rather glad of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive--but +exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book +intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and dismally +contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It +_is_ a depressing object--but why look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen +opposite on being offered snipe. "Snipe _now_--Great Scott!" they +exclaim, "And ain't they _high_ too?" One helps himself to some, with +a sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But even +_his_ courage fails on being offered stewed apricots with it. Close +by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, and a talkative young +fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. Elder man listens to him +with a grim and wooden forbearance. "Ez fur languages," the younger +man is saying. "I'd undertake to learn any language inside of six +months. Fur enstance, I got up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me +that _isn't_ a language, and that's so, but take _Latin_ now, I'd +learn Latin--to write _and_ speak--in a year, Italian I'd learn in a +fortnight--with constant _study_, you understand. Then there's German. +Well. I cann't _read_ German--not in their German text, I cann't, and +I don't _speak_ it with fluency, but I can ask my _way_ in it, and +order anything _I_ want, and I reckon that's about as much as a man +requires to know of any language. Will you take a glass of wine outer +my bottle? I've another coming along." Elder man declines stiffly, on +plea that he is almost a teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says +the Harvard man, "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all +right in the morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you +overnight. I'll tell you what that thing _is_. It's just persly--plain +ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' fresh persly first thing +you get up, and it don't matter _what_ you've taken, you'll feel just +as _bright_!" Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very +small pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself +vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude to by a +means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." After which he +subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut up. + +_In the Fumoir._--Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their +minds where to go next. Shall they stay at Antwerp for a day or +two, or go over to Brussels, or go back to Calais and stay there, or +_what_? "Calais is on their way _home_, anyhow," says one, and the +other, without attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to +_see_ at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says his friend: +"all these places much about the same." "Well," says the first, +yawning, "shall we stay where we _are_?" "Just as _you_ please," says +the other. "No; but what would _you_ rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm +entirely in _your_ hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse +with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, "it's +dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, "then you +leave it to _me_--is _that_ it?" "Haven't I been saying so all along!" +growls the other. Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently +forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks +up with relief. "_Well_," he says, very slowly, "what do _you_ think +about it?" Whereupon they begin all over again. This indecision is +catching--leave them. + +_In the Street--about_ 11:30 P.M.--Back from Variety Theatre. Hotel +doors closed. Have rung several times--no result at present. Curious +impression that I shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for +this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in--chilly out +here. _Is_ there a night-porter? If not--awkward. Carillon again from +Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to recollect a whole tune at last, +picking it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before--what the +Dickens _is_ it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the +VOKES Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not +exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... Unbolting +behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter +penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish him good-night +instead--pleasantly. Porter grunts--_un_pleasantly. Depressing to be +grunted at the last thing at night. To bed, chastened. + + * * * * * + +THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE. + + [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful + but tyrannously ubiquitous "_Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!_" is + beginning, at last, to wane.] + +_She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and wondering what +she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into familiar strains:--_ + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_What will you do, Love?_" + + What shall I do now? My song was going + Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond; + What shall I do, though, when critics hide it, + And cads deride it who're now so fond? + "Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" deriding!-- + Nought is abiding--that's sadly true! + I'll pray for another Sensation Notion. + With deep emotion--that's what I'll do! + + (_Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively_):-- + +AIR--"_The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls._" + + The harp that once through Music Halls + Sheer maddening rapture shed, + Now hangs as mute on willow-walls + As though that Boom were dead. + So dims the pride of former days, + So fame's fine thrill is o'er, + And throngs who once yelled high with praise, + Now find the Boom a bore. + + No more to toffs and totties bright + Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell. + The gloom that hailed my turn to-night + Sad tales of "staleness" tell. + The Chorus now will seldom wake, + The old mad cheers who gives? + And LOTTIE some new ground must break + To prove that still she lives. + +_She harketh back to the old strain:--_ + + What would you do now if distant tidings, + Thy fame's confidings should undermine,-- + Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies, + In the public eyes yet more bright than thine? + Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame + On my new-made name, and it can't be true. + This far fame of mine, did some rival share it, + I could not bear it--what _would_ I do? + + What would you do, now, if home returning, + With anger burning at the fickle crew, + You found the prospect of another Boom, + To dispel your gloom--ah! what would you do? + Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow + And banish sorrow, and raise my "screw." + I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the willow, + And with tears my pillow no more bedew. + + * * * * * + +TO BE, OR NOT TO BE--DISCOVERED! + + SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the + General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._ + +_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for +Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the +better for having your assistance. + +_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for +Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have +determined to retire from the contest. + +_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for +years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for +the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for +Parliament--absolutely cut out for it! + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the +Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up. + +_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own? + +_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame) +that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples. + +_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished? + +_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received +(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my +cheeks--a severe reprimand! + +_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a +slander? + +_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was +once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was +intoxicated! + +_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that? + +_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the +Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds +of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the +circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator! + +_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly +what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times +a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a +fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible. + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that +divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You +are safe, and I am not. + +_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the +question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small? + +_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out! + + [_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily + triumphant._ + + * * * * * + +A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH. + + ["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."--_Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright + Action "Walter_ v. _Steinkopff_."] + + So "Stand and deliver!" will not _quite_ do + In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; + And if you are caught on the Queen's highway, + With a something for which you've omitted to pay, + No use to try putting in--under your breath-- + The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! + + Thanks to the _Times_ and to Justice NORTH! + The highway--of-News--may be clearer henceforth + Of robber daring and footpad sly. + To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, + Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, + Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak, + And he shall not shelter himself beneath + The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. + + _Autolycus_ now must buy his wares, + And not with his neighbours go (_gratis_) shares. + "Thou shalt not steal--not even brains," + Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains. + Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the _Times_! + Plain new definitions of ancient crimes + Are needful now when robbers unsheath + The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath! + + * * * * * + +OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE. + +[Illustration] + + CLEOPATRE, quittant la Seine, + Ici tu viens en souveraine, + Where "Britons never will be slaves," + And "BRITANNIA rules the waves." + (Ritournelle egoiste et vaine!) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE. + + GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY, + KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY; + WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY, + GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!] + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."--A Junior urging a ridiculous +plea. + + * * * * * + +THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.--_Hugo_ in future is to be remembered as +"_Victor Hugo_." + + * * * * * + +OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a +remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence.] + +_Monday._--GOUNOD's _Romeo et Juliette_. _Les deux freres_ ("Brothers +of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, excellent respectively as _Romeo_ +and _Friar Laurent_. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but +eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother JOHN, +in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy +a _Romeo_ that his appearance must have first excited _Juliet's_ pity, +which we all know is akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKE is +to "lighten the part," and "do it on his head,"--which, being summed +up, means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. _Juliette Eames_ +charming. _Nurse Bauermeister_ too young. _Tybalt Montariol_, when +killed, must not lie "toes up" too close to Curtain. Friendly members +of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have +suffered. M. DUFRICHE, as _Mercutio_, mistaken for EDOUARD DE RESZKE. +Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only +complicates matters, but death of _Mercutio_ settles it. The survivor +is EDOUARD DE RESZKE. Mr. ALEC MARSH, late of English Comic Opera, +appears as the _Duke of Verona_, and everyone admires his Grace. + +[Illustration: Vaults on both sides.] + +_Tuesday._--_Orfeo._ Everyone talking of to-morrow's Derby. Bets +"taken and Orf-"eo. + +_Wednesday._--_Derby Day Night_--celebrated by performance of +_Philemon_ and _Cavalleria_. Both favourites. But in honour of the +winner _Hugo_, the Opera ought to have been the _Hugo-nots._ + +_Thursday_.--_Lohengrin._ _Rentree_ of Madame NORDICA as _Elsa_, who +couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. _Lohengrin_ is "The Johnnie +of the Opera," i.e., JOHNNIE DE RESZKE. First-rate: no longer does he +appear in dark hair as in _Romeo_; but as a Knight light, suitable to +the time of year. + +_Friday._--_Il Vascello Fantasma_, which is the _Flying Dutchman_ +with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charming +_Senta_--quite an Eighty-per-_Senta_--of attraction. Awful appearance +of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing conversation +in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old Epsom Salts," +talking about _Flying Dutchman's_ year, 1849, + +_Saturday._--Progress reported generally. MELBA very good. Miss +EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House counted out by midnight. +DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby Week. + + * * * * * + +THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. + +We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn't they +jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true +gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves hoarse when +the LORD MARE got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, +not by no means, or they woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls +their Nashnal Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears +cum into my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him +glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a werry +nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave out their +pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, out of site out of +mind! but they makes up for it by calling the Land of their Fathers, +their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end. + +The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit song, +"Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "_Poor_ MARY ANN!" so I should +think indeed. + +I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no gent by the +name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized. + +I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General Gimrig," +which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all no afore what a +wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales is. Why we had about a +duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn't rayther +a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns +to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of +Welch Mares. + +I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch enthusyasm +and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin _our_ Nashnal +Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their recepshun of the LORD MARE +when he guv 'em the Toast of the hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung +to their feet, Bishups, and Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and +M.P.'s and all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and +then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I +wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em. + +BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fun. +When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was rayther too +long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, they began +for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and +reel cut glasses, meaning to say, "That's about enuff," but the pore +delewded Horrator thort it meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" +So he kep it up till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he +kindly sat down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded +me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. +"Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," and I +takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As our Grate Poet +says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane as you are"! Upon the +whole, I wentures to think as the Welch Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord +Mare EVANS, was about the most sucksessful as I have ewer assisted +at during my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by +saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his +hand in the same Nashnal way. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A TIP-TOP TIPSTER. + + [In some spirited verses that appeared in the _Sportsman_, on + the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN TREW-HAY, alone amongst the + prophets, selected _Sir Hugo_ as the winner.] + + Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his fun, + For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one, + And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You go + To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for _Sir Hugo_. + But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh, + That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean chaff. + Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can rue + That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was TREW! + + * * * * * + +"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."--He had had two basins of Turtle. He +asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" was the Waiter's +answer. The Alderman said not a word; he smiled a sickly smile. There +was no help for it, or "no helping of it," as he truthfully put it. He +would do his best with the remainder of the _menu_. The resignation of +the Alderman was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the +City Waiter. + + * * * * * + +BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW. + +(_A FABLE SOMEWHAT IN THE FASHION OF "UNCLE REMUS," BUT WITH +APPLICATIONS NEARER HOME._) + +[Illustration] + + Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail, + Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee, + "Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter see!" + En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail. + "Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer, + So's ter know w'at's w'at; en _yer_ needn't fear!" + "Oho! Oho!" + Sez Ole Man Crow. + "But der Irish butter I've a notion dat _I_ know!" + + Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce, + But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce. + "Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?" + Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee; + "Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove + Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder free; + Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM + Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam! + Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet-- + Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet! + Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow, + Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!" + + Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown. + Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," sezee. + "But yer better come down, + Der is foes a broozin' roun' + W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North Countree. + You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North yo' pitch, + For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in der las' ditch!" + + Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee, + "You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' atter me; + But I speck you done come to de end er de row. + You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man Crow. + "I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near dis rail. + You wun't tempt me wid de butter--or der powder--on yo' tail. + Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze, + For dis is de way de worril goes; + Some goes up en some goes down. + _You_'ll get ter de bottom all safe en soun'! + I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en den, + En--well, I'll try ter _look_, des as _frightened_ as I ken!" + + * * * * * + +The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that Captain +FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a Vane attempt. +"The chance," said the _Times_, "of such a prize as Raby Castle, with +L60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a man to think his arguments and +claims are better than they really are." Raby Castle on the brain +would soon become a sort of Rabies. + + * * * * * + +HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR. + +(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR. +PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._) + + SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and + the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._ + +_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to +the story that has so much interested me? + +_Ghost._ It is! Behold! + + [_He waves his baton and a rock becomes transparent, + displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_] + +_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met +thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle. +And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King! +Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real +poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how +it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._) +And canst thou show me more? + +_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold! + + [_He waves his baton, and another rock discovers a tableau + representing the Burial of OPHELIA._ + +_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that +were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired +to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic +Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more! + + [_The vision fades away like its predecessor._ + +_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time. +And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and +no more! Thou wilt remember! + +_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so +I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will! + + _Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._ + +_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor +at to-day's trial of skill! + +_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He +and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! + +_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do +love thee. + +_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and +mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils! + +_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons! + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this +one! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be +ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The +cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time +will come! I triumph! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._ + +_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs! + + [_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are + exchanged._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup. + +_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I +will crush a cup with thee, later! + +_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother, +boy! That makes six. The limit's reached! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good +LAERTES, I am at thy service. + + [_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._ + +_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit! + +_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee! + + [_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES. + +_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._ + +_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute! + + [_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._ + +_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the +King. [_Dies._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time +is all but up! + +_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell, +farewell, a long farewell to all my-- + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up! + + (_Quick Curtain_) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST. + +_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his +Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S +IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"] + + * * * * * + +"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED." + + SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY + (Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter + has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another + four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the + (Cricket) saying is._ + +_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR! + +_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_). Ah! bit of a fluke. + +_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke, + But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down. + +_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he + will frown, + And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care, + Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there. + Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_! + I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars + At their flashy young favourite? + +_Bowler_ (_aside_). Humph! he lays on! + I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone. + 'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort. + Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport, + As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case + When he bowled and PILCH batted. + +_Champion Bat_ (_aside_). Just twig HARCOURT's face! + Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"-- + If I gave him a chance? + +_Captain_. He's a fine slogging bat, + But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score + Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more + Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard + Will be rhyming your doings! + +_Champion Bat_. An awful "reward"! + But shall we play on? + +_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, now, what do you think? + From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink, + But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win: + They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in. + Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed. + Suppose we declare that our innings is closed? + + [_Left considering it._ + + * * * * * + +"PROBABLE STARTERS." + +The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost. + +The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected +appearance in the Kitchen. + +Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to +business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to +face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock. + +LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband. + + * * * * * + +"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a +conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial +Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have +settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I +beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just +returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and +back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission +to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to +him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely +relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of +refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street, +Charing Cross. + + * * * * * + +"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by +Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton +College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea. + + * * * * * + +CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's" +Prophecies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED." + +RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS +INNINGS _CLOSED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +NO. XI.--THE DUFFER IN LOVE. + +Mrs. MCDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this confession +is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was pretty, and when I +do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such a case?), she +remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty +or not. This appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the +flank of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it is +not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason +with a woman. If you score a point (and how many times one sees an +opening in the fair one's harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or +both, and there is no repartee to that _ultima ratio_. + +[Illustration: "It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of +female voices."] + +I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; pleasant, +and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities yet. I do not +believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades himself that he was +a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another +person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred +someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow--But Fortune forbid +that we should meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of +CECILIA. I had some,--an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and +other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in +my absence that bureau was traded away for a new aesthetic article, +relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet bought the piece +of furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is +what makes me uncomfortable. If CECILIA sees the poem in one of the +Magazines, and remembers the incidents which the souvenirs recall, +she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I +wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded +their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated. + +I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each other at +dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in novels,--she +knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, like me, she was very fond +of field sports. I flattered myself that she did not find my company +uncongenial. In the evening there was a little dance: I don't dance, +or at least, it was some time since I had danced, not in fact since +the used to make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated +it! However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, +though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously +so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know how they describe +waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. +Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. Well, it was not at all like that. + +I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was a buzz. +I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy.... When +I recovered my senses, it was _not_ to find the dark grey eyes of +CECILIA bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not +there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow. + +Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now I could +not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I always +passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting apples, +and reading _Ivanhoe_. These were among my happiest hours. However, +I did not tell CECILIA that I could not skate. I pretended (it seemed +safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise skating. +Besides I had work, literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss +AUSTEN. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I +was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair of +"Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and buckles +of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where nobody came, and +thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a bed-room chair. They say +that pushing a chair in front of you is a good way to learn. My terror +was extreme; it would be awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, +stealing a bed-room chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of +CECILIA I was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry +ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I +sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. +It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury +donning his winged shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew +blue as I struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain +that my boots were in fault. + +There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned, +to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose +to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the +case, viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the +chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same +time of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,--but +he promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home +without delay: and he was as good as his word. + +This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my room. I +walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to work again: +gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was wholly unprepared +for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even though forewarned to +some extent by the painful experiences of _Mr. Winkle_. I had read +that the skater "is very highly favoured when contending with the +great enemy of motion, viz., friction," a proposition which I found +to be perfectly true. My legs developed separatist tendencies, and +started on independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in +a position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for the +chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape across the +ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was while thus engaged +that I heard a sound of female voices, and, lo! there were CECILIA and +two other girls, who had heard of this pond in the wood, and come to +try it. I presented a singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room +chair in the middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should +never be ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to +be frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could I +offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all this for +her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped +to make myself more worthy of "figuring" in her society. But, as a +matter of fact, I never got so far as figures. + +Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of riding +with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. BROWNING. I +don't like to speak about it. When we got off the road on to the turf +my horse began to kick and plunge. I have read that it is not right, +but I did what I always do, I held on by the pummel. Would _you_ not +hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake. It felt like a young and +lively earthquake. We came home soon, _CECILIA leading my horse_. +People staying in the house met us. + +I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like _Sir Andrew Aguecheek_, +"It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the odds were probably +even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines meet thine eyes, thou wilt +know that one heart still is true. In another life, less begirt by +material difficulties, we may meet amongst the asphodel, where there +is no opportunity for the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. +Till then, _au revoir_! + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts, in a +goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French, with +a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great +compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being "_tres Czech_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROP DE ZELE. + +(_An Aristocratic Tip._) + +_The New Companion_ (_fresh from Girtham College_). "YES, LADY JANE, +I SAW _H_ER, WITH _H_ER _H_ABITUAL _H_YPOCRISY _H_OLDING OUT _H_ER +_H_AND TO _H_IS AS _H_E WAS _H_ARANGUING AT _H_IS _H_OTEL--" + +_Lady Jane._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN YOUR H'S SO +CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER +DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PICK 'EM UP!" [_And People +wouldn't be very far wrong._] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Of my two selections to supply the last Horse in the +Derby--one--_La Fleche_, so far forgot what was due to my prophetic +utterances as to finish _second_--and indeed, very nearly _win_! +However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the absurd +wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers will see that no +blame attaches to _me_--as the mare would doubtless not have hurried +so much had she been left to her own devices--(the sex notoriously +dislikes hurry)--it being a well-known fact that she would make a +race with a donkey!--though why donkey races should be spoken of with +such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one with Lord ARTHUR +on Hampstead Heath--(it was during our engagement, when people will +do foolish things; we had been "slumming," and he was disguised in +"pearlies," whilst I was gowned "_a la_ 'ARRIETT")--and I assure you +our Donkeys went very fast. However--this is a digression--as the man +said when he walked over the cliff, so let us "_noch einmal zu unser +schafen_," as the German proverb runs. Although disappointed in the +behaviour of _La Fleche_, my second string _Llanthony_ maintained +my reputation for correct tips, by running _last_, as I said he +would!--It is true that some papers report him as having finished +seventh and _El Diablo_ last; but as he did not _win_, he might just +as well have been last as seventh--and as I am sure my friend Lord +ELTHAM will not mind the placings being reversed--I therefore place +_Llanthony_ last--and those of my readers who took my advice and +backed him, will have every reason to congratulate themselves when +they draw their money! + +With regard to the winner, _Sir Hugo_, whose success was a general +surprise to all except myself--(surprise is bad form)--I can only +follow the example of all other writers on turf matters in declaring +that, "he always had my good word, and was in fact my winter +favourite, as anyone can see who will take the trouble to glance +through my earlier advices!"--these will be difficult to find, as +they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be published +until my biography is written later on!--(very much, I hope). Still, +had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to tip the _Winner_, _Sir +Hugo_ would undoubtedly have been my sole selection--a fact which +should not fail to weigh with my followers--and I _have_ followers +in plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows! + +Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to +get ready for Ascot--(four new gowns to try on)--and besides there +are some smart parties to attend next week, so Doncaster will not be +blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on +the Press _who can be trusted_. So, in concluding this letter with +my selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able to +recommend it _very_ strongly, as my friend will do the placing; and +as _I_ am not there, no collusion can be suspected! + +I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom Downs for +the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I should like to see +done away with, namely, the so-called "glove contests"--which to my +mind are not calculated to advance "England's greatness" nor are they +pleasing to look on at. The "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly +a fine thing, but is hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes +heroes of Dusky Warriors! + +I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to have a most +successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable absence of Royalty; +indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over--and as I shall +be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness +LUTHER VON MONTAG, I hope to collect some valuable information for my +betting readers. + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +THE TIP. + + To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup + Is a thing for which jockeys might quarrel! + But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg up," + He's content to be _last_ on "_Balmoral_." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty +assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on +Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr. +G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all +other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer +pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the +line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father +was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the +circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the +brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality +of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a +wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is +going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the +best man." + +[Illustration: Truculent Tim.] + +Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind +admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word +Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince +ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr. +G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient +circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session; +the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then +the same precaution been observed. + +"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented +on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't +mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is +carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a +Parliament whose days are numbered." + +SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though +under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it +before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock. +SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for +the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night +or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and +sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that +might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of +JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _a propos_ of the +Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either +a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. +"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that +was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by +one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would +depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill +read Second Time. + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL +SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892. + +_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose +the personality of the spectators._] + +_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's +Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling. +A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person +of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A +desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly +to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by +watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his +truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby +Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON +by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval; +GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in +Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain. +With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a +success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE +had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here +again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred? + +"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to +second the Amendment?" + +Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative +proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore +ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back +up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the +Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered. + +This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House, +wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was +a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would +he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the +position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone, +manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever +enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect +anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the +Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID +LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that +abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had +his jest, and the Opposition had his estate. + +_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against +144. + +[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)] + +_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met +shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me. +"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the +place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly +afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will +not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new +Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among +other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left. +I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in +my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers +saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for +forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE +pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that +House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the +close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is, +I will admit, soothing." + +(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in +with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but +isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll +excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again +little later." + +[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."] + +(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells +ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't +lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch +half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present; +must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, +"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again +retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured +there are forty Members present." + +SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before +House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES +determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER +wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a +fiver. + +(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES +looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But +arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and +ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES +KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on +picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds +only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see +why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says +ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and +profitable afternoon." + +_Business done._--House not made. + +_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but +at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday. +"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the +Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the +rate of five miles an hour. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his +bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts +up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and +perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiae_ to +say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part +of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners +suspend payment; we suspend judgment. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet +sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent +to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's +dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the +letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, +"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a +Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?" + + * * * * * + +"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it +with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along +in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, +is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of +advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares." + + * * * * * + +FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things +better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays; +but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London, +Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard, +but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up." + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her +Majesty takes a Deesided course. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, JUNE 11, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14707.txt or 14707.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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