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diff --git a/14707-0.txt b/14707-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c34d1f --- /dev/null +++ b/14707-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1249 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14707-h.htm or 14707-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h/14707-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +JUNE 11, 1892 + + + + + + + +A DAY AT ANTWERP. + +(BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR.") + +_In the Place Verte._--"The traveller," according to _Bædeker_, +"should at once direct his steps to the Cathedral." Not going to be +bullied by _Bædeker_! Shall assert my independence by directing steps +somewhere else first. Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an +elderly ghost with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever +knew all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment +of "_The Heavens are Telling_," tripped up by the "_Old Hundredth_," +and falling over "_Haydn's Surprise_." Ghost tries back, and just as +she seems about to arrive at something definite--suddenly gives it +up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small +but highly intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on +volunteering services. (Why aren't _our_ street-boys taught French +and German in Board Schools?--make all the difference to foreigners +in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of heroic-sized scriptural statues, +introduces me to "Moïse," "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of +him--but I wish he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with +indignation. Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He +informs me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there +are "RUBENS' peecture--moch fine," and plainly proposes to conduct +me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again--so accept. Boy clumps +on ahead, down alleys, and through back-streets, and round corners, +looking round severely at intervals to see that I am not giving him +the slip. Nice friendly little fellow--but despotic. Don't seem to be +much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring disposition.... +At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank him, with apologies +for taking him so much out of his way. Boy demands two francs. Hint, +as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value +of his time and society somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty +centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can +_not_ go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy harassing my rear +like this! So undignified. However, shall find sanctuary with "Sin +Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a distance--chuckling, I am afraid. +Shall walk on--not _hurrying_, but briskly. Boy gone at last--thank +goodness!--with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!" + +[Illustration: "Rosbif!"] + +_In the Cathedral._--Being shown round by Sacristan, in company with +two respectable young Britons. "You shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens," +says Sacristan, "paint by RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen +hondert florin." Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with +their tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint," +explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads, +check it as correct, and evidently feel increased respect for RUBENS +as capable-for an artist--of driving a good bargain. "RUBENS baint +him ven he vas seexteen," which younger Briton considers "very +_creditable_ to him, too!" They inspect the High Altar, with more +clucks, and inform one another, with the air of Protestants who are +above prejudice, that it's a marvellous piece o' _work_, though, mind +yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ is +blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de 'oles, so all +be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" First Briton remarks +to me that "That's a rum start, and no mistake." I agree that it _is_ +a rum start. I shall find myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you +scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan +asks us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of +one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is not +dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. Second Briton +agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His Companion admits +"They've got old GLADSTONE there to a _t_"--but adds that "come +to _that_, it might do for _either of_ 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is +opposite, but, as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only +vas gif him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the +Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in +de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, _now_ you see him. +Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, _ve_ know, yust a marble-garvings--a baw +releff!' I dell you, nodings of de kindt. All so flat as a biece +of vite baper--com close op. Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons +deeply impressed by this and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that +their own Cathedrals "ain't _in_ it." "Look at the _value_ of the +things they've _got_ 'ere, you know," they say to me, clucking, and +then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest way to the Zoo. + +_At Table d'hôte._--Fellow-countrymen to the fore; both my immediate +neighbours English, but neither shows any inclination to converse. +Rather glad of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive--but +exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book +intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and dismally +contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It +_is_ a depressing object--but why look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen +opposite on being offered snipe. "Snipe _now_--Great Scott!" they +exclaim, "And ain't they _high_ too?" One helps himself to some, with +a sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But even +_his_ courage fails on being offered stewed apricots with it. Close +by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, and a talkative young +fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. Elder man listens to him +with a grim and wooden forbearance. "Ez fur languages," the younger +man is saying. "I'd undertake to learn any language inside of six +months. Fur enstance, I got up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me +that _isn't_ a language, and that's so, but take _Latin_ now, I'd +learn Latin--to write _and_ speak--in a year, Italian I'd learn in a +fortnight--with constant _study_, you understand. Then there's German. +Well. I cann't _read_ German--not in their German text, I cann't, and +I don't _speak_ it with fluency, but I can ask my _way_ in it, and +order anything _I_ want, and I reckon that's about as much as a man +requires to know of any language. Will you take a glass of wine outer +my bottle? I've another coming along." Elder man declines stiffly, on +plea that he is almost a teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says +the Harvard man, "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all +right in the morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you +overnight. I'll tell you what that thing _is_. It's just persly--plain +ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' fresh persly first thing +you get up, and it don't matter _what_ you've taken, you'll feel just +as _bright_!" Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very +small pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself +vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude to by a +means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." After which he +subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut up. + +_In the Fumoir._--Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their +minds where to go next. Shall they stay at Antwerp for a day or +two, or go over to Brussels, or go back to Calais and stay there, or +_what_? "Calais is on their way _home_, anyhow," says one, and the +other, without attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to +_see_ at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says his friend: +"all these places much about the same." "Well," says the first, +yawning, "shall we stay where we _are_?" "Just as _you_ please," says +the other. "No; but what would _you_ rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm +entirely in _your_ hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse +with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, "it's +dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, "then you +leave it to _me_--is _that_ it?" "Haven't I been saying so all along!" +growls the other. Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently +forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks +up with relief. "_Well_," he says, very slowly, "what do _you_ think +about it?" Whereupon they begin all over again. This indecision is +catching--leave them. + +_In the Street--about_ 11:30 P.M.--Back from Variety Theatre. Hotel +doors closed. Have rung several times--no result at present. Curious +impression that I shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for +this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in--chilly out +here. _Is_ there a night-porter? If not--awkward. Carillon again from +Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to recollect a whole tune at last, +picking it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before--what the +Dickens _is_ it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the +VOKES Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not +exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... Unbolting +behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter +penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish him good-night +instead--pleasantly. Porter grunts--_un_pleasantly. Depressing to be +grunted at the last thing at night. To bed, chastened. + + * * * * * + +THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE. + + [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful + but tyrannously ubiquitous "_Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!_" is + beginning, at last, to wane.] + +_She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and wondering what +she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into familiar strains:--_ + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_What will you do, Love?_" + + What shall I do now? My song was going + Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond; + What shall I do, though, when critics hide it, + And cads deride it who're now so fond? + "Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" deriding!-- + Nought is abiding--that's sadly true! + I'll pray for another Sensation Notion. + With deep emotion--that's what I'll do! + + (_Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by + another reminiscence, sings plaintively_):-- + +AIR--"_The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls._" + + The harp that once through Music Halls + Sheer maddening rapture shed, + Now hangs as mute on willow-walls + As though that Boom were dead. + So dims the pride of former days, + So fame's fine thrill is o'er, + And throngs who once yelled high with praise, + Now find the Boom a bore. + + No more to toffs and totties bright + Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell. + The gloom that hailed my turn to-night + Sad tales of "staleness" tell. + The Chorus now will seldom wake, + The old mad cheers who gives? + And LOTTIE some new ground must break + To prove that still she lives. + +_She harketh back to the old strain:--_ + + What would you do now if distant tidings, + Thy fame's confidings should undermine,-- + Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies, + In the public eyes yet more bright than thine? + Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame + On my new-made name, and it can't be true. + This far fame of mine, did some rival share it, + I could not bear it--what _would_ I do? + + What would you do, now, if home returning, + With anger burning at the fickle crew, + You found the prospect of another Boom, + To dispel your gloom--ah! what would you do? + Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow + And banish sorrow, and raise my "screw." + I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the willow, + And with tears my pillow no more bedew. + + * * * * * + +TO BE, OR NOT TO BE--DISCOVERED! + + SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the + General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._ + +_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for +Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the +better for having your assistance. + +_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for +Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have +determined to retire from the contest. + +_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for +years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for +the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for +Parliament--absolutely cut out for it! + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the +Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up. + +_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own? + +_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame) +that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples. + +_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished? + +_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received +(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my +cheeks--a severe reprimand! + +_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a +slander? + +_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was +once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was +intoxicated! + +_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that? + +_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the +Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds +of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the +circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator! + +_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly +what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times +a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a +fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible. + +_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that +divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You +are safe, and I am not. + +_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the +question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small? + +_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out! + + [_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily + triumphant._ + + * * * * * + +A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH. + + ["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or + practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported + when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of + Hounslow Heath."--_Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright + Action "Walter_ v. _Steinkopff_."] + + So "Stand and deliver!" will not _quite_ do + In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; + And if you are caught on the Queen's highway, + With a something for which you've omitted to pay, + No use to try putting in--under your breath-- + The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! + + Thanks to the _Times_ and to Justice NORTH! + The highway--of-News--may be clearer henceforth + Of robber daring and footpad sly. + To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, + Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, + Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak, + And he shall not shelter himself beneath + The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. + + _Autolycus_ now must buy his wares, + And not with his neighbours go (_gratis_) shares. + "Thou shalt not steal--not even brains," + Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains. + Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the _Times_! + Plain new definitions of ancient crimes + Are needful now when robbers unsheath + The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath! + + * * * * * + +OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE. + +[Illustration] + + CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine, + Ici tu viens en souveraine, + Where "Britons never will be slaves," + And "BRITANNIA rules the waves." + (Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE. + + GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY, + KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY; + WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY, + GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!] + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."--A Junior urging a ridiculous +plea. + + * * * * * + +THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.--_Hugo_ in future is to be remembered as +"_Victor Hugo_." + + * * * * * + +OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a +remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence.] + +_Monday._--GOUNOD's _Roméo et Juliette_. _Les deux frères_ ("Brothers +of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, excellent respectively as _Romeo_ +and _Friar Laurent_. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but +eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother JOHN, +in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy +a _Romeo_ that his appearance must have first excited _Juliet's_ pity, +which we all know is akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is +to "lighten the part," and "do it on his head,"--which, being summed +up, means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. _Juliette Eames_ +charming. _Nurse Bauermeister_ too young. _Tybalt Montariol_, when +killed, must not lie "toes up" too close to Curtain. Friendly members +of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have +suffered. M. DUFRICHE, as _Mercutio_, mistaken for EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. +Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only +complicates matters, but death of _Mercutio_ settles it. The survivor +is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, late of English Comic Opera, +appears as the _Duke of Verona_, and everyone admires his Grace. + +[Illustration: Vaults on both sides.] + +_Tuesday._--_Orféo._ Everyone talking of to-morrow's Derby. Bets +"taken and Orf-"eo. + +_Wednesday._--_Derby Day Night_--celebrated by performance of +_Philemon_ and _Cavalleria_. Both favourites. But in honour of the +winner _Hugo_, the Opera ought to have been the _Hugo-nots._ + +_Thursday_.--_Lohengrin._ _Rentrée_ of Madame NORDICA as _Elsa_, who +couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. _Lohengrin_ is "The Johnnie +of the Opera," i.e., JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he +appear in dark hair as in _Romeo_; but as a Knight light, suitable to +the time of year. + +_Friday._--_Il Vascello Fantasma_, which is the _Flying Dutchman_ +with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charming +_Senta_--quite an Eighty-per-_Senta_--of attraction. Awful appearance +of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing conversation +in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old Epsom Salts," +talking about _Flying Dutchman's_ year, 1849, + +_Saturday._--Progress reported generally. MELBA very good. Miss +EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House counted out by midnight. +DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby Week. + + * * * * * + +THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. + +We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn't they +jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true +gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves hoarse when +the LORD MARE got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no, +not by no means, or they woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls +their Nashnal Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears +cum into my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him +glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a werry +nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave out their +pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, out of site out of +mind! but they makes up for it by calling the Land of their Fathers, +their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end. + +The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit song, +"Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "_Poor_ MARY ANN!" so I should +think indeed. + +I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no gent by the +name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized. + +I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General Gimrig," +which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all no afore what a +wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales is. Why we had about a +duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn't rayther +a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns +to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of +Welch Mares. + +I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch enthusyasm +and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin _our_ Nashnal +Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their recepshun of the LORD MARE +when he guv 'em the Toast of the hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung +to their feet, Bishups, and Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and +M.P.'s and all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and +then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I +wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em. + +BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fun. +When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was rayther too +long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, they began +for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and +reel cut glasses, meaning to say, "That's about enuff," but the pore +delewded Horrator thort it meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!" +So he kep it up till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he +kindly sat down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded +me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year. +"Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," and I +takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As our Grate Poet +says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane as you are"! Upon the +whole, I wentures to think as the Welch Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord +Mare EVANS, was about the most sucksessful as I have ewer assisted +at during my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by +saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his +hand in the same Nashnal way. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A TIP-TOP TIPSTER. + + [In some spirited verses that appeared in the _Sportsman_, on + the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN TREW-HAY, alone amongst the + prophets, selected _Sir Hugo_ as the winner.] + + Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his fun, + For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one, + And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You go + To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for _Sir Hugo_. + But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh, + That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean chaff. + Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can rue + That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was TREW! + + * * * * * + +"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."--He had had two basins of Turtle. He +asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" was the Waiter's +answer. The Alderman said not a word; he smiled a sickly smile. There +was no help for it, or "no helping of it," as he truthfully put it. He +would do his best with the remainder of the _menu_. The resignation of +the Alderman was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the +City Waiter. + + * * * * * + +BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW. + +(_A FABLE SOMEWHAT IN THE FASHION OF "UNCLE REMUS," BUT WITH +APPLICATIONS NEARER HOME._) + +[Illustration] + + Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail, + Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee, + "Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter see!" + En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail. + "Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer, + So's ter know w'at's w'at; en _yer_ needn't fear!" + "Oho! Oho!" + Sez Ole Man Crow. + "But der Irish butter I've a notion dat _I_ know!" + + Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce, + But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce. + "Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?" + Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee; + "Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove + Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder free; + Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM + Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam! + Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet-- + Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet! + Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow, + Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!" + + Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown. + Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," sezee. + "But yer better come down, + Der is foes a broozin' roun' + W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North Countree. + You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North yo' pitch, + For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in der las' ditch!" + + Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee, + "You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' atter me; + But I speck you done come to de end er de row. + You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man Crow. + "I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near dis rail. + You wun't tempt me wid de butter--or der powder--on yo' tail. + Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze, + For dis is de way de worril goes; + Some goes up en some goes down. + _You_'ll get ter de bottom all safe en soun'! + I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en den, + En--well, I'll try ter _look_, des as _frightened_ as I ken!" + + * * * * * + +The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that Captain +FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a Vane attempt. +"The chance," said the _Times_, "of such a prize as Raby Castle, with +£60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a man to think his arguments and +claims are better than they really are." Raby Castle on the brain +would soon become a sort of Rabies. + + * * * * * + +HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR. + +(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR. +PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._) + + SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and + the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._ + +_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to +the story that has so much interested me? + +_Ghost._ It is! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton and a rock becomes transparent, + displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_] + +_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met +thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle. +And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King! +Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real +poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how +it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._) +And canst thou show me more? + +_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold! + + [_He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a tableau + representing the Burial of OPHELIA._ + +_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that +were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired +to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic +Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more! + + [_The vision fades away like its predecessor._ + +_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time. +And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and +no more! Thou wilt remember! + +_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so +I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will! + + _Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._ + +_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor +at to-day's trial of skill! + +_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He +and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! + +_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do +love thee. + +_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and +mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone! + +_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils! + +_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons! + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this +one! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be +ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The +cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time +will come! I triumph! + + [_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._ + +_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs! + + [_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are + exchanged._ + +_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup. + +_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I +will crush a cup with thee, later! + +_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother, +boy! That makes six. The limit's reached! + +_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good +LAERTES, I am at thy service. + + [_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._ + +_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit! + +_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee! + + [_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES. + +_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._ + +_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute! + + [_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._ + +_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the +King. [_Dies._ + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time +is all but up! + +_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell, +farewell, a long farewell to all my-- + +_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up! + + (_Quick Curtain_) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST. + +_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his +Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S +IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"] + + * * * * * + +"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED." + + SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY + (Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter + has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another + four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the + (Cricket) saying is._ + +_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR! + +_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_). Ah! bit of a fluke. + +_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke, + But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down. + +_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he + will frown, + And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care, + Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there. + Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_! + I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars + At their flashy young favourite? + +_Bowler_ (_aside_). Humph! he lays on! + I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone. + 'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort. + Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport, + As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case + When he bowled and PILCH batted. + +_Champion Bat_ (_aside_). Just twig HARCOURT's face! + Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"-- + If I gave him a chance? + +_Captain_. He's a fine slogging bat, + But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score + Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more + Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard + Will be rhyming your doings! + +_Champion Bat_. An awful "reward"! + But shall we play on? + +_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, now, what do you think? + From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink, + But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win: + They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in. + Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed. + Suppose we declare that our innings is closed? + + [_Left considering it._ + + * * * * * + +"PROBABLE STARTERS." + +The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost. + +The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected +appearance in the Kitchen. + +Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to +business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to +face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock. + +LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband. + + * * * * * + +"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a +conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial +Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have +settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I +beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just +returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and +back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission +to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to +him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely +relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of +refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street, +Charing Cross. + + * * * * * + +"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by +Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton +College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea. + + * * * * * + +CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's" +Prophecies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED." + +RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS +INNINGS _CLOSED_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +NO. XI.--THE DUFFER IN LOVE. + +Mrs. MCDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this confession +is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was pretty, and when I +do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such a case?), she +remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty +or not. This appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the +flank of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it is +not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason +with a woman. If you score a point (and how many times one sees an +opening in the fair one's harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or +both, and there is no repartee to that _ultima ratio_. + +[Illustration: "It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of +female voices."] + +I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; pleasant, +and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities yet. I do not +believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades himself that he was +a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another +person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred +someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow--But Fortune forbid +that we should meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of +CECILIA. I had some,--an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and +other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in +my absence that bureau was traded away for a new æsthetic article, +relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet bought the piece +of furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is +what makes me uncomfortable. If CECILIA sees the poem in one of the +Magazines, and remembers the incidents which the souvenirs recall, +she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I +wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded +their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated. + +I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each other at +dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in novels,--she +knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, like me, she was very fond +of field sports. I flattered myself that she did not find my company +uncongenial. In the evening there was a little dance: I don't dance, +or at least, it was some time since I had danced, not in fact since +the used to make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated +it! However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, +though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously +so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know how they describe +waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. +Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. Well, it was not at all like that. + +I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was a buzz. +I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy.... When +I recovered my senses, it was _not_ to find the dark grey eyes of +CECILIA bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not +there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow. + +Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now I could +not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I always +passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting apples, +and reading _Ivanhoe_. These were among my happiest hours. However, +I did not tell CECILIA that I could not skate. I pretended (it seemed +safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise skating. +Besides I had work, literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss +AUSTEN. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I +was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair of +"Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and buckles +of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where nobody came, and +thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a bed-room chair. They say +that pushing a chair in front of you is a good way to learn. My terror +was extreme; it would be awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, +stealing a bed-room chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of +CECILIA I was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry +ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I +sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. +It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury +donning his winged shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew +blue as I struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain +that my boots were in fault. + +There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned, +to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose +to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the +case, viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the +chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same +time of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,--but +he promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home +without delay: and he was as good as his word. + +This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my room. I +walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to work again: +gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was wholly unprepared +for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even though forewarned to +some extent by the painful experiences of _Mr. Winkle_. I had read +that the skater "is very highly favoured when contending with the +great enemy of motion, viz., friction," a proposition which I found +to be perfectly true. My legs developed separatist tendencies, and +started on independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in +a position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for the +chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape across the +ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was while thus engaged +that I heard a sound of female voices, and, lo! there were CECILIA and +two other girls, who had heard of this pond in the wood, and come to +try it. I presented a singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room +chair in the middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should +never be ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to +be frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could I +offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all this for +her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped +to make myself more worthy of "figuring" in her society. But, as a +matter of fact, I never got so far as figures. + +Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of riding +with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. BROWNING. I +don't like to speak about it. When we got off the road on to the turf +my horse began to kick and plunge. I have read that it is not right, +but I did what I always do, I held on by the pummel. Would _you_ not +hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake. It felt like a young and +lively earthquake. We came home soon, _CECILIA leading my horse_. +People staying in the house met us. + +I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like _Sir Andrew Aguecheek_, +"It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the odds were probably +even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines meet thine eyes, thou wilt +know that one heart still is true. In another life, less begirt by +material difficulties, we may meet amongst the asphodel, where there +is no opportunity for the display of mere mechanical accomplishments. +Till then, _au revoir_! + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts, in a +goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French, with +a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great +compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being "_très Czech_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE. + +(_An Aristocratic Tip._) + +_The New Companion_ (_fresh from Girtham College_). "YES, LADY JANE, +I SAW _H_ER, WITH _H_ER _H_ABITUAL _H_YPOCRISY _H_OLDING OUT _H_ER +_H_AND TO _H_IS AS _H_E WAS _H_ARANGUING AT _H_IS _H_OTEL--" + +_Lady Jane._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN YOUR H'S SO +CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER +DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PICK 'EM UP!" [_And People +wouldn't be very far wrong._] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Of my two selections to supply the last Horse in the +Derby--one--_La Flêche_, so far forgot what was due to my prophetic +utterances as to finish _second_--and indeed, very nearly _win_! +However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the absurd +wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers will see that no +blame attaches to _me_--as the mare would doubtless not have hurried +so much had she been left to her own devices--(the sex notoriously +dislikes hurry)--it being a well-known fact that she would make a +race with a donkey!--though why donkey races should be spoken of with +such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one with Lord ARTHUR +on Hampstead Heath--(it was during our engagement, when people will +do foolish things; we had been "slumming," and he was disguised in +"pearlies," whilst I was gowned "_à la_ 'ARRIETT")--and I assure you +our Donkeys went very fast. However--this is a digression--as the man +said when he walked over the cliff, so let us "_noch einmal zu unser +schafen_," as the German proverb runs. Although disappointed in the +behaviour of _La Flêche_, my second string _Llanthony_ maintained +my reputation for correct tips, by running _last_, as I said he +would!--It is true that some papers report him as having finished +seventh and _El Diablo_ last; but as he did not _win_, he might just +as well have been last as seventh--and as I am sure my friend Lord +ELTHAM will not mind the placings being reversed--I therefore place +_Llanthony_ last--and those of my readers who took my advice and +backed him, will have every reason to congratulate themselves when +they draw their money! + +With regard to the winner, _Sir Hugo_, whose success was a general +surprise to all except myself--(surprise is bad form)--I can only +follow the example of all other writers on turf matters in declaring +that, "he always had my good word, and was in fact my winter +favourite, as anyone can see who will take the trouble to glance +through my earlier advices!"--these will be difficult to find, as +they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be published +until my biography is written later on!--(very much, I hope). Still, +had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to tip the _Winner_, _Sir +Hugo_ would undoubtedly have been my sole selection--a fact which +should not fail to weigh with my followers--and I _have_ followers +in plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows! + +Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to +get ready for Ascot--(four new gowns to try on)--and besides there +are some smart parties to attend next week, so Doncaster will not be +blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on +the Press _who can be trusted_. So, in concluding this letter with +my selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able to +recommend it _very_ strongly, as my friend will do the placing; and +as _I_ am not there, no collusion can be suspected! + +I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom Downs for +the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I should like to see +done away with, namely, the so-called "glove contests"--which to my +mind are not calculated to advance "England's greatness" nor are they +pleasing to look on at. The "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly +a fine thing, but is hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes +heroes of Dusky Warriors! + +I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to have a most +successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable absence of Royalty; +indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over--and as I shall +be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness +LUTHER VON MONTAG, I hope to collect some valuable information for my +betting readers. + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +THE TIP. + + To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup + Is a thing for which jockeys might quarrel! + But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg up," + He's content to be _last_ on "_Balmoral_." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty +assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on +Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr. +G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all +other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer +pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the +line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father +was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the +circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the +brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality +of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a +wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is +going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the +best man." + +[Illustration: Truculent Tim.] + +Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind +admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word +Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince +ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr. +G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient +circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session; +the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then +the same precaution been observed. + +"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented +on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't +mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is +carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a +Parliament whose days are numbered." + +SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though +under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it +before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock. +SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for +the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night +or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and +sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that +might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of +JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _à propos_ of the +Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either +a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant. +"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that +was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by +one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would +depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill +read Second Time. + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL +SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892. + +_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose +the personality of the spectators._] + +_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's +Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling. +A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person +of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A +desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly +to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by +watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his +truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby +Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON +by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval; +GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in +Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain. +With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a +success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE +had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here +again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred? + +"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to +second the Amendment?" + +Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative +proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore +ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back +up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the +Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered. + +This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House, +wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was +a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would +he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the +position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone, +manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever +enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect +anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the +Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID +LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that +abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had +his jest, and the Opposition had his estate. + +_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against +144. + +[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)] + +_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met +shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me. +"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the +place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly +afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will +not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new +Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among +other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left. +I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in +my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers +saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for +forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE +pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that +House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the +close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is, +I will admit, soothing." + +(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in +with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but +isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll +excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again +little later." + +[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."] + +(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells +ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't +lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch +half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present; +must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, +"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again +retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured +there are forty Members present." + +SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before +House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES +determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER +wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a +fiver. + +(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES +looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But +arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and +ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES +KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on +picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds +only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see +why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says +ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and +profitable afternoon." + +_Business done._--House not made. + +_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but +at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday. +"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the +Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the +rate of five miles an hour. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his +bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts +up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and +perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiæ_ to +say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part +of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners +suspend payment; we suspend judgment. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet +sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent +to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's +dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the +letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed, +"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a +Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?" + + * * * * * + +"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it +with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along +in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated, +is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of +advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares." + + * * * * * + +FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things +better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays; +but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London, +Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard, +but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up." + + * * * * * + +ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her +Majesty takes a Deesided course. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 *** |