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diff --git a/21084-h/21084-h.htm b/21084-h/21084-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7dcbe09 --- /dev/null +++ b/21084-h/21084-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,13761 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + hr.smler { width: 10%; } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + text-indent: 0px; + } /* page numbers */ + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .right {text-align: right;} + .left {text-align: left;} + .tbrk { margin-top: 2.75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem div {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem div.i1 {display: block; margin-left: 1em;} + + + /* index */ + + div.index ul li { padding-top: 1em ;text-align: center; } + + div.index ul ul ul, div.index ul li ul li { padding: 0; text-align: left; } + + div.index ul { list-style: none; margin: 0; } + + div.index ul, div.index ul ul ul li { display: inline; } + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jokes For All Occasions + Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers + +Author: Anonymous + +Release Date: April 15, 2007 [EBook #21084] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>JOKES</h1> + +<h2>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h2> + +<h3>SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE<br />OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST<br />PUBLIC SPEAKERS</h3> + +<p class="tbrk"> </p> + +<p class="center"><img src="images/001.png" width='100' height='168' alt="Publisher's logo" /></p> + +<p class="tbrk"> </p> + +<p class="center">NEW YORK<br />EDWARD J. CLODE</p> + +<hr class="smler" /> + +<p class="tbrk"> </p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1921, 1922, by</span><br /> +<br /><span class="smcap">Edward J. Clode</span></p> + +<p class="tbrk"> </p> + +<p class="center"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i></p> + +<p class="tbrk"> </p> + +<hr /> + +<h1>JOKES</h1> + +<h2>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h2> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<div class="index"> +<ul> +<li><a href="#PREFACE">PREFACE</a></li> +<li><a href="#INTRODUCTION">INTRODUCTION</a></li> +<li><a href="#STORIES">STORIES</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous">PAGES SELECTED AND EDITED BY "LIFE'S" FAMOUS CONTRIBUTOR</a></li> +</ul> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2> + +<p>The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is +impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect +himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to +guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.</p> + +<p>Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One +uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point. +The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the +narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself +serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro +would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put +his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should +scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely +essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful +examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to +determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second, +an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the +relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by +the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he +must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is +fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion +of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will +succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even +the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p><p>The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be +attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that +story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the +skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that +they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any +one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by +exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to +his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and +easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the +earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger +number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained +in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative +should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the +characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in +themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise +instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of +itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that, +though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove +so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised +to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing +essential in the preparation for it.</p> + +<p>In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to +choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so +called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions, +and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But +the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never +does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties +at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of +some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the +way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by +such adaptation, the story is made really one's own—as the professional +humorists thankfully admit!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2> + +<p>Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise +definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit +replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires +a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all +appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation +will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons, +declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile, +multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously +apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard +to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of +Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it +fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are +essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor +is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression +of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces +smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the +circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation. +Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was +brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man +should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se +neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not +chuckle over it.</p> + +<p>The element of surprise is common to both wit and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> humor, and it is +often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any +essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The +unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive +peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the +world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado +that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by +hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the +average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish +costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every +respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the +risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances. +When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a +banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we +laugh before asking if he broke a leg.</p> + +<p>The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the +various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The +causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and +only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial +characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making, +and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written +humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a +fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I +have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's +humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in +jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> story ages +and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the +Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the +ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment +was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.</p> + +<p>"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was +strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of +a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no +use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."</p> + +<p>"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they +punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand +it."</p> + +<p>"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe, +it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."</p> + +<p>The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek +literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing +to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand +years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by +name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title, +"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls. +Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who +determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the +horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful +in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off +when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who +posed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he +looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in +order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the +man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether +it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek +jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will +doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when +he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That +of other people."</p> + +<p>Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our +own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the +tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that +Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality. +When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was +refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up +flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the +protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I +do not wish to lend it."</p> + +<p>When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had +already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from +the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I +hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the +word of an ass instead of mine?"</p> + +<p>In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay +tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for <i>Don Quixote</i> is +a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races +is of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the +other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of +investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls' +school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the +youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why +is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way +of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving +a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall +lose no time in reading it."</p> + +<p>The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually +kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous +picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny +canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was +about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the +twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with +your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated +plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance: +"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too, +who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To +an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he +retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of +saying anything."</p> + +<p>But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more +amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the +effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only +one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> when a +courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all +around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the +impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favières who visited a Parisian +named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de +Favières. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred +luis."</p> + +<p>Barnard answered with equal explicitness:</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am +going to lend them to you."</p> + +<p>The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often +characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:</p> + +<p>The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a +trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced +dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body +was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders +of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a +narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a +thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet +and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and +she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the +good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the +ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached +the turn of the path, the husband called to them:</p> + +<p>"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"</p> + +<p>The written humor of the Dutch does not usually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> make a very strong +appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and +lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in +fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand, +which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great +earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was: +"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"</p> + +<p>Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects +somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts +unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction +are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British +colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own +in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might +just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently +imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying. +He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl +visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two +dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."</p> + +<p>"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two +dollars?"</p> + +<p>It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste +than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people +delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities +without any injury to the feelings of others. For example,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> Dickens +relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a +public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation +for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran +amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of +the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:</p> + +<p>"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."</p> + +<p>In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the +story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only +wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made +her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:</p> + +<p>"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on +cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"</p> + +<p>The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting +on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest +jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous, +was in the single word of <i>Punch's</i> advice to those about to get +married:</p> + +<p>"Don't!"</p> + +<p>The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a +hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and +the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against +her assailant.</p> + +<p>"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"</p> + +<p>"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more +like a friend nor a 'usband!"</p> + +<p>Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> but too well, with +the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter. +Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:</p> + +<p>"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel—this leaksh!"</p> + +<p>Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a +suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman +stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:</p> + +<p>"What makes your nose so red?"</p> + +<p>The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:</p> + +<p>"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't +stuck into other folks's business."</p> + +<p>But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as +trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of +gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole—"A lively sense of future +favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist +by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing +as well as could be expected, considering that I have three +adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him: +"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do +anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had +said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if +he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted +but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor +times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities, +including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid +with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>remarked that the piece was +tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:</p> + +<p>"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"</p> + +<p>Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the +grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity +was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it +took two men to swallow it whole.</p> + +<p>It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer +at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and +frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may +contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its +cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the +two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with +the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a +pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not +recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde, +and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a +dispatch of one word, "<i>Peccavi</i>" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the +sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while +not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the +innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows, +who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an +ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<div>"Ben Battle was a soldier bold,</div> +<div class="i1">And used to war's alarms,</div> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span><div>But a cannon ball took off his legs,</div> +<div class="i1">So he laid down his arms.</div> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<div>"And as they took him off the field,</div> +<div class="i1">Cried he, 'Let others shoot,</div> +<div>'For here I leave my second leg,</div> +<div class="i1">'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"</div> +</div></div> + +<p>It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a +joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of +the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have +been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt +distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the +English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the +Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated +Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch +character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was +attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted +severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only +money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked +glumly:</p> + +<p>"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."</p> + +<p>And there is the classic from <i>Punch</i> of the Scotchman, who, on his +return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences, +declared:</p> + +<p>"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"</p> + +<p>Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to +define a bull. He said:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p><p>"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is +standing up, that's a bull."</p> + +<p>A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle +Roche. He wrote in a letter:</p> + +<p>"At this very moment, my dear——, I am writing this with a sword in one +hand and a pistol in the other."</p> + +<p>He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:</p> + +<p>"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible +misfortune is usually followed by a greater."</p> + +<p>And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:</p> + +<p>"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop +there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a +third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us +put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a +storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin +it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."</p> + +<p>Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no +means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock +contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the +matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the +varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost +countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content +of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness +of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the +old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize +in our jesting like the Turk,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> but are likely to veil the maxim under +the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the +German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus, +the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said +musingly:</p> + +<p>"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got +plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"</p> + +<p>And in the moralizing vein, this:</p> + +<p>The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to +make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer—a request that God +would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God, +please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious +resignation, she added:</p> + +<p>"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."</p> + +<p>At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who +confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such +an extent that he wanted to eat her—later, he was sorry that he hadn't.</p> + +<p>Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is +produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no +lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For +example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant +brightly:</p> + +<p>"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.</p> + +<p>"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'</p> + +<p>"No, mum."</p> + +<p>"Is it the going down?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p><p>"No, mum."</p> + +<p>"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"</p> + +<p>"It's the questions, mum."</p> + +<p>And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he +would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.</p> + +<p>"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."</p> + +<p>Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their +humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh +Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well, +could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many +another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses +to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted +man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a +British subject, and an habitual drunkard.</p> + +<p>The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque. +It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic +of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The +American tourist brags of his own:</p> + +<p>"Talk of Vesuve—huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That +polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam +believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our +government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to +Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float +wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its +grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the +hogs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their +tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.</p> + +<p>Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor +of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his +seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight +cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:</p> + +<p>"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine +and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to +hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."</p> + +<p>Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The +conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was +mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.</p> + +<p>"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.</p> + +<p>"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"</p> + +<p>"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.</p> + +<p>The conductor shook his head emphatically.</p> + +<p>"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."</p> + +<p>"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."</p> + +<p>In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a +ladder to shave himself—and down cellar to put his boots on.</p> + +<p>We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have +brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes +creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of +the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> their power +to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most +magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good +story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with +gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads +store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing +undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is +believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame +for the narrator.</p> + +<p>For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories +and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order. +The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration +may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting +illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments. +History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing +his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered +available for any one by this book.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<h1><a name="STORIES" id="STORIES"></a>STORIES.</h1> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<h2>JOKES</h2> + +<h3>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h3> + +<hr class="smler" /> + +<h3 class="left">ABSENTMINDEDNESS</h3> + +<p>The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the +repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to +leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella +belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying +one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the +man with shame and confusion.</p> + +<p>That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of +his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the +unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold +glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him +charged with a withering scorn:</p> + +<p>"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up +in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a +thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. +He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone +of deep regret:</p> + +<p>"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, +returned home, and had his ring at the door<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> answered by a new maid. The +girl looked at him inquiringly:</p> + +<p>"Um—ah—is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."</p> + +<p>The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man +sat down on the steps to wait for himself.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the +path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, +exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon, madam."</p> + +<p>Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, +again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at +another bend of the path.</p> + +<p>"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served +several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. +One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his +sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, +he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had +spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">ACQUAINTANCE</h3> + +<p>The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the +carryall would hold.</p> + +<p>"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel +aquaint."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ACTORS</h3> + +<p>The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a +friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.</p> + +<p>"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing +anywhere from two to four pounds."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ADVERTISING</h3> + +<p>The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one +of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself +never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.</p> + +<p>"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the +editor asked.</p> + +<p>"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."</p> + +<p>In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in +an obscure corner. It read:</p> + +<p>"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"</p> + +<p>The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He +admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He +agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, +and this was:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p><p>"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."</p> + +<p>Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.</p> + +<h3 class="left">AFFECTION</h3> + +<p>There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A +quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the +incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on +calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro +in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman +spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his +cheeks, interrupted loudly:</p> + +<p>"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it +worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">AGE</h3> + +<p>The woman confessed to her crony:</p> + +<p>"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me +by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ALIBI</h3> + +<p>The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the +ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic—all in vain. +Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and +cried:</p> + +<p>"John Henry, are you out there?"</p> + +<p>An answer came clearly:</p> + +<p>"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">AMNESTY</h3> + +<p>The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled +frown.</p> + +<p>"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I +can't quite place you somehow."</p> + +<p>"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was +a policeman."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ANATOMY</h3> + +<p>The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his +message in these words:</p> + +<p>"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one +was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">APPEARANCE</h3> + +<p>Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous +scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was +horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in +her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:</p> + +<p>"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that +naughty Peck boy!"</p> + +<p>Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.</p> + +<p>"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with +anybody?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:</p> + +<p>"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"</p> + +<p>Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:</p> + +<p>"With pleasure."</p> + +<h3 class="left">APPETITE</h3> + +<p>The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for +employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:</p> + +<p>"Who are you?"</p> + +<p>"I am Enoch, the egg king."</p> + +<p>"What is your specialty?"</p> + +<p>"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose +eggs, at a single setting."</p> + +<p>"Do you know our program?"</p> + +<p>"What is it?"</p> + +<p>"We give four shows every day."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, I understand that."</p> + +<p>"And do you think you can do it?"</p> + +<p>"I know I can."</p> + +<p>"On Saturdays we give six shows."</p> + +<p>"All right."</p> + +<p>"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."</p> + +<p>And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p><p>"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to +sign a contract."</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give +me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who +insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he +had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster +wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most +ponderous senatorial manner:</p> + +<p>"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other +times, but never less."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy +to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:</p> + +<p>"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're +tight—that's appetite!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">APPRECIATION</h3> + +<p>The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently +displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some +surprise, and remarked:</p> + +<p>"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."</p> + +<p>"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p><p>"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. +"That's Wordsworth, the poet."</p> + +<p>The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.</p> + +<p>"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for +a study in wrinkles."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ARGUMENT</h3> + +<p>"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell +over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by +the leg."</p> + +<p>"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"</p> + +<p>"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ART</h3> + +<p>An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were +telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband +mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and +the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the +forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a +remark:</p> + +<p>"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, +because, you see, we know the anecdote."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman +which he had seen in an art museum abroad.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p><p>"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added, +with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The +name of the statue was Posish'—and it was some posish, believe me! and +the dumb fools spelt it—'Psyche!'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Tell me, does your husband snore?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, indeed—so delightfully."</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, really—he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only +snores operatic bits, mostly <i>Aida</i>."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.</p> + +<p>"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.</p> + +<p>"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy +live hogs and——"</p> + +<p>His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:</p> + +<p>"Don't talk shop."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ATHLETICS</h3> + +<p>The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her +after field day, at which she had been present.</p> + +<p>"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"</p> + +<p>Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.</p> + +<p>"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked +me."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">AUTHORS</h3> + +<p>A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. +These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more +especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he +excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a +window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in +a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:</p> + +<p>"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BABIES</h3> + +<p>The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in +fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in +its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed +gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.</p> + +<p>"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.</p> + +<p>"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called +squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?</p> + +<p>"Porpoises," came one eager answer.</p> + +<p>But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:</p> + +<p>"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BAIT</h3> + +<p>A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a +colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had +fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, +and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the +victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment +that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of +admiration for the prompt rescue.</p> + +<p>"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to +plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the +boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."</p> + +<p>The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:</p> + +<p>"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had +to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BALDNESS</h3> + +<p>A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.</p> + +<p>"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.</p> + +<p>"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill +box.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BAPTISM</h3> + +<p>On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his +bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the +christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled +to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the +font.</p> + +<p>"What name?" the clergyman whispered.</p> + +<p>The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained +of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:</p> + +<p>"Nozzle come off—nozzle come off!"</p> + +<p>The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:</p> + +<p>"What name?"</p> + +<p>"Nozzle come off—nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.</p> + +<p>The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:</p> + +<p>"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of +the Son and of the Holy Ghost."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:</p> + +<p>"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in +de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BAPTISTS</h3> + +<p>The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. +Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the +reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.</p> + +<p>"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the +service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey +all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church, +yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses +can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you +jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest <i>dip</i> an' be done wid it! 'An' so +I jined."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BASEBALL</h3> + +<p>The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball +game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one +little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave +him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth +minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled +a sentence. It ran thus:</p> + +<p>"Rain—no game."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BATTLE</h3> + +<p><i>Teacher:</i> "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden +slain?"</p> + +<p><i>Pupil:</i> "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BEARS</h3> + +<p>The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away +everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was +gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small +clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and +opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its +haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not +usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.</p> + +<p>"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my +side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is +side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you +jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you +ever hearn tell on!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter +who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.</p> + +<p>"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear +about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."</p> + +<p>The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.</p> + +<p>"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had +'em."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BEER</h3> + +<p>The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a +letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of +prohibition—possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:</p> + +<p>"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do +at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore +gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half +bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of +it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without +doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I +could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and +brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into +the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an +answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in +doing it.</p> + +<p>P.S.—Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more +bere."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful +past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just +asked for an egg-shake.</p> + +<p>"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BEGGARS</h3> + +<p>The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the +profiteer:</p> + +<p>"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."</p> + +<p>The mistress sniffed contemptuously:</p> + +<p>"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BEGINNERS</h3> + +<p>A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door +closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing +wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable +things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her +head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:</p> + +<p>"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever +rode in a taxi."</p> + +<p>The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:</p> + +<p>"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">BETROTHAL</h3> + +<p>The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the +kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the +nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p><p>"When are you to be married, Nora?"</p> + +<p>"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook +answered sadly.</p> + +<p>"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"</p> + +<p>The reply was explicit:</p> + +<p>"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry +me when he's sober."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a +presiding officer. The girl questioned him:</p> + +<p>"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"</p> + +<p>The answer was given with proud certainty:</p> + +<p>"Are you ready for the question?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BIGAMY</h3> + +<p>What is the penalty for bigamy?</p> + +<p>Two mothers-in-law.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three +times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. +He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he +wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:</p> + +<p>"Will it be safe for me to come out?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BIRTH</h3> + +<p>The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the +stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for +more.</p> + +<p>"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.</p> + +<p>The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.</p> + +<p>"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it +recognized me!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLESSING</h3> + +<p>The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent +cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his +appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million +eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLIND</h3> + +<p>A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the +cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box +disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper +chuckled, and pointed to the window.</p> + +<p>"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">BLINDNESS</h3> + +<p>The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted +and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard +during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.</p> + +<p>"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third +time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."</p> + +<p>"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had +my eyes shut, I missed it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLOCKHEAD</h3> + +<p>The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his +finger.</p> + +<p>"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch +your head."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BONE OF CONTENTION</h3> + +<p>The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger +thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket +protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat +fellow-passenger.</p> + +<p>"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.</p> + +<p>"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"</p> + +<p>"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p><p>"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his +hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the +two disputants spoke sharply:</p> + +<p>"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your +hands out of my pocket."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the +conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man +questioned him one day:</p> + +<p>"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account. +Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro +demanded.</p> + +<p>"Many times, of course," was the answer.</p> + +<p>The old negro chuckled as he said:</p> + +<p>"Did you ever see de bone fight?"</p> + +<p>"Well!—no!"</p> + +<p>"Dat's all! I'se de bone."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BREAKFAST</h3> + +<p>The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before +prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:</p> + +<p>"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."</p> + +<p>"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.</p> + +<p>The Colonel explained:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p><p>"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."</p> + +<p>"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.</p> + +<p>"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.</p> + +<h3 class="left">BREVITY</h3> + +<p>The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars +was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for +five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was +going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, +he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five +dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five +dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he +stole two dollars.</p> + +<h3 class="left">BRIBERY</h3> + +<p>A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization +connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a +rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to +the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy +bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game. +On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe +nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p><p>"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.</p> + +<p>"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.</p> + +<p>"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for +bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win +the game, so we gave it to the umpire."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BRUTALITY</h3> + +<p>Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called +the conductor as referee.</p> + +<p>"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will +probably die."</p> + +<p>"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly +suffocate." The two glared at each other.</p> + +<p>The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a +red nose who sat near. These were:</p> + +<p>"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. +That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."</p> + +<h3 class="left">BURGLARY</h3> + +<p>A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents +established their home in a suburb. One<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> morning they received in the +mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:</p> + +<p>"Guess who sent them."</p> + +<p>The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed +in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful +time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the +identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every +article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece +of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the +tickets:</p> + +<p>"Now you know!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">CANDOR</h3> + +<p>Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.</p> + +<p>"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.</p> + +<p>The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered +absent-mindedly:</p> + +<p>"Yes, you certainly do."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never—never speak to you +again!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">CALMNESS</h3> + +<p>In Bret Harte's <i>Mary McGillup</i>, there is a notable description of +calmness in most trying circumstances.</p> + +<p>"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss +McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p><p>"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly +expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my +agitation."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CARDS</h3> + +<p>A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He +left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from +the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two +hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the +grocer.</p> + +<p>"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of +hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CARELESSNESS</h3> + +<p>The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found +lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.</p> + +<p>"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of +silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CATERPILLARS</h3> + +<p>The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his +hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the +can, much perplexed.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p><p>"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"</p> + +<p>"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.</p> + +<p>"Yes?"</p> + +<p>"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin' +'em climb the telegraph pole."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CATS</h3> + +<p>Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday +School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to +animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much +pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in +the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by +reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one +morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror +that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and +was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had +been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to +look out.</p> + +<p>"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor +cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"</p> + +<p>Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he +explained:</p> + +<p>"I was—but I lost my star."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The teacher put a question to the class:</p> + +<p>"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"</p> + +<p>A number cried in unison:</p> + +<p>"Fur!"</p> + +<p>But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One +pupil raised an eager hand:</p> + +<p>"I know, teacher—whiskers!"</p> + +<p>But another objector laughed scornfully.</p> + +<p>"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"</p> + +<p>The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't +got whiskers."</p> + +<p>"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no +good. My pa says——"</p> + +<p>The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl +raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.</p> + +<p>"Kittens!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in +which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not +go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem +to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:</p> + +<p>"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for +their harps?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHARITY</h3> + +<p>"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who +was passing.</p> + +<p>"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">CHICKEN-STEALING</h3> + +<p>The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at +night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open +and curtly ordered:</p> + +<p>"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"</p> + +<p>There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of +the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:</p> + +<p>"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHRISTIANITY</h3> + +<p>A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified +at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. +Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it +fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of +savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:</p> + +<p>"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his +knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.</p> + +<p>"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHRISTMAS</h3> + +<p>A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a +colored man who possessed considerable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> influence. He suggested to the +darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug +of the best whiskey.</p> + +<p>The colored man spoke to the point:</p> + +<p>"Ah burns wood."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few +like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it +was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the +snow, and wept bitterly.</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHURCH</h3> + +<p>The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in +contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the +boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the +pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand. +"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any. +But James was equal to the emergency:</p> + +<p>"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the +seat."</p> + +<p>Which he did.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first +time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the +experience.</p> + +<p>"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> head. "Dat ain't +no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes +ob the previous meetin'."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CLEANLINESS</h3> + +<p>The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, +and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was +scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and +said:</p> + +<p>"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival +of the music teacher.</p> + +<p>"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, mother."</p> + +<p>"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, mother."</p> + +<p>"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"</p> + +<p>"On her side I did, mother."</p> + +<h3 class="left">COMMUNITY</h3> + +<p>The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty +girl, received information that led him to question her:</p> + +<p>"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, +George and Harry, as well as me?"</p> + +<p>The young lady assumed an air of disdain.</p> + +<p>"What is that to you?" she demanded.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p><p>"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection, +we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."</p> + +<h3 class="left">COMPENSATION</h3> + +<p>Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were +pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate +in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:</p> + +<p>"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."</p> + +<h3 class="left">COMPLIMENTS</h3> + +<p>"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of +the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.</p> + +<p>"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a +titter.</p> + +<p>The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:</p> + +<p>"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been +introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather +unfortunately:</p> + +<p>"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's +pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court +ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner. +She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure +with her.</p> + +<p>"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness +does me too great honor."</p> + +<p>The prince answered coldly:</p> + +<p>"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CONCEALMENT</h3> + +<p>The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor +coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to +answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone +down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the +cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the +door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments. +When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered +the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast +a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy +thus:</p> + +<p>"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her +that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet +along."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">CONCEIT</h3> + +<p>"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked +in a tone that was far from humble.</p> + +<p>"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better +than other folks' virtues."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CONSCIENCE</h3> + +<p>The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday +school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her +sister, two years older:</p> + +<p>"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."</p> + +<p>"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your +tummie."</p> + +<h3 class="left">CONSTANCY</h3> + +<p>His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly +whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with +sufficient clearness:</p> + +<p>"I am dying—yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her—I died—with her name—on my +lips, that I—loved her—her alone—always ... And Jennie—tell +Jennie—the same thing."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">CONVERSION</h3> + +<p>A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to +convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was +locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed +and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the +pious efforts in his behalf.</p> + +<p>"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the +story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"</p> + +<p>"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord +died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"</p> + +<p>"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier +for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He +knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">COOKERY</h3> + +<p>The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he +should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently +he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still +intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.</p> + +<p>"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the +same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">COURTESY</h3> + +<p>The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a +court-room. So, the judge directed him:</p> + +<p>"Speak to the jury, sir—the men sitting behind you on the benches."</p> + +<p>The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:</p> + +<p>"Good-morning, gentlemen."</p> + +<h3 class="left">COWARDICE</h3> + +<p>The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted +before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:</p> + +<p>"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"</p> + +<p>"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."</p> + +<p>It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such +violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her +umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The +trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer +popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its +shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars, +shook her umbrella furiously.</p> + +<p>"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">CURIOSITY</h3> + +<p>The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first +time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was +withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot +forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger +in his mouth, and sucked it.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.</p> + +<p>"Nothin'—jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah +was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DAMAGES</h3> + +<p>The child came to his mother in tears.</p> + +<p>"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."</p> + +<p>"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to +do it?"</p> + +<p>"I was pounding it with father's watch?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DANGER</h3> + +<p>One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEAD CERTAINTY</h3> + +<p>On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be +absent on the coming Friday. She <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>explained that she wished to attend +the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission +sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet. +The hanging ain't till Friday."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEAD MEN'S SHOES</h3> + +<p>When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many +applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the +dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, +asking:</p> + +<p>"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEAFNESS</h3> + +<p>In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man +addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:</p> + +<p>"The show is very good, don't you think?"</p> + +<p>The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:</p> + +<p>"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs +ketches my breath."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p><p>"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his +voice.</p> + +<p>Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.</p> + +<p>"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the +ground, which the others ain't."</p> + +<p>Now, the young man shouted:</p> + +<p>"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"</p> + +<p>At last the other understood.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled +contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I +don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin' +enough for me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with +apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a +park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The +apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, +but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened +intently—in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only +silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:</p> + +<p>"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I +haven't heard a single word."</p> + +<p>The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the +worried deaf man:</p> + +<p>"I hain't been talkin'—jest a-chewin'."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">DEDICATION</h3> + +<p>The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of +genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. +Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:</p> + +<p>"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all +his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEFINITION</h3> + +<p>The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word +"spine," at his teacher's request.</p> + +<p>"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set +on the other."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEGREES IN DEGRADATION</h3> + +<p>Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a +job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into +the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his +waiter.</p> + +<p>"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."</p> + +<p>Phil May smiled, as he retorted:</p> + +<p>"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">DELAY</h3> + +<p>A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the +cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of +how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot +to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while +she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke +thickly from her crowded mouth:</p> + +<p>"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some +hollerin' as is hollerin'."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DEVIL</h3> + +<p>Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's +best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the +wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was +leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy +with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.</p> + +<p>"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but +the De'il's in my breeches!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DIET</h3> + +<p>The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a +coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of +the natives, and was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. +The girl protested:</p> + +<p>"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most +unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."</p> + +<p>"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if +they didn't eat fish!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DIGESTION</h3> + +<p>In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the +products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very +nervous.</p> + +<p>"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and +rice and citron and chutney and—and——"</p> + +<p>There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a +little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.</p> + +<p>"Yes, you may name any other products of India."</p> + +<p>"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DIPLOMACY</h3> + +<p>"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an +acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"</p> + +<p>"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about +paying your little debts?"</p> + +<p>"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till +Saturday."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for +the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted +had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of +asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.</p> + +<p>When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a +strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So, +when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he +came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:</p> + +<p>"Have you been begging cookies again?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this +house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in +the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy +lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.</p> + +<p>"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the +pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass +the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n +five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same +age who had offered her his seat in the car.</p> + +<p>"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.</p> + +<p>"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a +daughter."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady +in this story.</p> + +<p>At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished +man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the +listeners complimented her.</p> + +<p>"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my +ignorance."</p> + +<p>The professor spoke gallantly.</p> + +<p>"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure +you."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DIRT</h3> + +<p>We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a +past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his +partner:</p> + +<p>"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their +personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian <i>grande dame</i> remarked to her +hostess:</p> + +<p>"But how dirty your hands are."</p> + +<p>The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:</p> + +<p>"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DISCIPLINE</h3> + +<p>Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to +remonstrate with his mother.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p><p>"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he +demanded. His mother nodded assent.</p> + +<p>"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time +'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes +in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked +his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he +continued:</p> + +<p>"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DISCRETION</h3> + +<p>The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger +boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a +sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully +removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken. +The puzzled observer questioned the lad:</p> + +<p>"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of +fussing with it like that?"</p> + +<p>The answer was explicit:</p> + +<p>"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DIVORCE</h3> + +<p>The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a +divorce.</p> + +<p>"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have +to find with your husband."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p><p>And the wife was explicit:</p> + +<p>"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty +in proving all your assertions."</p> + +<p>"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."</p> + +<p>"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry +him?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't know it before I married him."</p> + +<p>The husband interrupted angrily:</p> + +<p>"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DOCTORS</h3> + +<p>A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be +examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient +that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.</p> + +<p>"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a +great deal of experience with this disease."</p> + +<p>The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:</p> + +<p>"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen +years."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs +of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, +presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:</p> + +<p>"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"</p> + +<p>The sick man shook his head doubtfully.</p> + +<p>"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far +is my watch."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an +honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the +blackboard in his class-room:</p> + +<p>"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed +honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."</p> + +<p>When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written +below his notice this line:</p> + +<p>"God save the King."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, +as follows:</p> + +<p>"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly +more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad—think +me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy—no can come. Me get +well."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.</p> + +<p>"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than +the other." He addressed one of the students:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p><p>"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"</p> + +<p>Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:</p> + +<p>"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:</p> + +<p>"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy—he's sick."</p> + +<p>"Is it serious?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on +what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she +mustn't do it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DOCTRINE</h3> + +<p>In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more +important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone +to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own +particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his +text and introduced his sermon as follows:</p> + +<p>"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's +table, and he was lame on both his feet.'</p> + +<p>"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human +depravity.—Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total +depravity—he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of +justification—for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of +adoption—'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +perseverance of the saints—for we read that 'he did eat at the King's +table continually.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE</h3> + +<p>During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought +into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a +well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, +and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He +pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:</p> + +<p>"V. Gates."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DOGS</h3> + +<p>The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching +at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet +Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to +muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.</p> + +<p>"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.</p> + +<p>The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, +and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck +and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:</p> + +<p>"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical +sentiment:</p> + +<p>"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail +of the dachshund.</p> + +<p>"What's the big idea?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me +remember an errand."</p> + +<p>The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was +starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. +The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter +through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:</p> + +<p>"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little +daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely +from time to time.</p> + +<p>"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.</p> + +<p>"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.</p> + +<p>The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the +artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.</p> + +<p>"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, +and call it a dog."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p><p>"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you +shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to +lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress +myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries +and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed +in time to get up again.</p> + +<p>"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and +you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my +vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty +of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, +you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is +obviously the case of the actor named in this story.</p> + +<p>The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, +a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as +to the breed. The maid said:</p> + +<p>"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a +full-blood Sam Bernard."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DOMESTIC QUARRELS</h3> + +<p>After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:</p> + +<p>"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p><p>"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"</p> + +<p>"Ah sho'ly is."</p> + +<p>"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.</p> + +<p>The explanation was simple and sufficient:</p> + +<p>"He died."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a +passion finally declared:</p> + +<p>"I'm going home to my mother!"</p> + +<p>The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew +out his pocketbook.</p> + +<p>"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your +railroad fare."</p> + +<p>The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband +scornfully:</p> + +<p>"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, +discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted +by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, +and then remarked:</p> + +<p>"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his +own wife is a-talkin' to him?"</p> + +<p>"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered +response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off +your mind."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">DOUBT</h3> + +<p>Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which +had dealt with the sheep and the goats.</p> + +<p>"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, +and father calls me kid."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it +may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend +glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this +explanation was forthcoming:</p> + +<p>"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go +to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DRAMA</h3> + +<p>The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; +at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical +critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.</p> + +<p>"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DREAMS</h3> + +<p>The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of +dreams and their significance. During a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> pause, one of the party turned +to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:</p> + +<p>"Do you believe that dreams come true?"</p> + +<p>"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed +that I went paddling—and I had!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">DRESS</h3> + +<p>"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new +dress."</p> + +<p>"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.</p> + +<p>"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.</p> + +<p>The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:</p> + +<p>"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and +laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."</p> + +<p>"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort +until I married you."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DRINK</h3> + +<p>It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the +platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.</p> + +<p>As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted +off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> The car stopped, and the +conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his +feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.</p> + +<p>"Collision?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>"No," the conductor answered.</p> + +<p>"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.</p> + +<p>"No," said the conductor again.</p> + +<p>"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have +got off."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On +his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron +rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing +by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully +holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, +he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and +called aloud for succor:</p> + +<p>"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and +regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two +trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion +of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried +again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, +the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p><p>"Lost—Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place +overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred +dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A +disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that +he was a professional rat-killer.</p> + +<p>"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.</p> + +<p>"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.</p> + +<p>When this had been provided:</p> + +<p>"Now give me a quart of whiskey."</p> + +<p>Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:</p> + +<p>"Now show me the cellar."</p> + +<p>An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs +and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he +shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in +air and shouted:</p> + +<p>"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to +meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's +revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:</p> + +<p>"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"</p> + +<p>The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p><p>"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern +gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also +notorious for his bibulous habits.</p> + +<p>"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk +one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes +throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half +a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:</p> + +<p>"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by +prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous +acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the +strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some +thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. +It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued +and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor +did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on +its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:</p> + +<p>"Now, bring on your cat!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a +fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following +year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old +man shook his head dolefully.</p> + +<p>"I've nae worn it since the accident."</p> + +<p>"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."</p> + +<p>"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather +freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either +could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer +spoke savagely:</p> + +<p>"Dang yer hide, git up thar—or I'll drive smack over ye!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, +and she spoke with a purr that was catty:</p> + +<p>"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"</p> + +<p>And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:</p> + +<p>"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon +in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he +encountered a teetotaler friend.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p><p>The friend exclaimed mournfully:</p> + +<p>"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"</p> + +<p>The bibulous one wept sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the +Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.</p> + +<p>"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a +dozen Bibles in the whole state."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made +gallant inquiries.</p> + +<p>"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."</p> + +<p>"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of +confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these +days don't know what he dare eat or drink."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DRUGGED</h3> + +<p>The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who +had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. +After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had +made the arrest.</p> + +<p>"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been +drugged."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p><p>The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:</p> + +<p>"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the +station."</p> + +<h3 class="left">DUTY</h3> + +<p>The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed +to the conductor:</p> + +<p>"Can't you go any faster than this?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EASY LIVING</h3> + +<p>The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed +eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of +feeling:</p> + +<p>"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands +with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our +niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the +crops—all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the +sheriff."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ECONOMY</h3> + +<p>One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by +opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the +next section, and so on.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p><p>The other Japanese registered scorn.</p> + +<p>"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a +lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. +Then I wave my head."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Wife:—"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum +that would keep a man looking shabby."</p> + +<p>Husband:—"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EFFICIENCY</h3> + +<p>In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses +will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman +interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent +importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:</p> + +<p>"Can you do fancy cooking?"</p> + +<p>"Naw."</p> + +<p>"Can you do plain cooking?"</p> + +<p>"Naw."</p> + +<p>"Can you sew?"</p> + +<p>"Naw."</p> + +<p>"Can you do general housework?"</p> + +<p>"Naw."</p> + +<p>"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"</p> + +<p>"Naw."</p> + +<p>"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"</p> + +<p>"I milk reindeer."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe +disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a +perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully +melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their +professional public performance.</p> + +<p>"Have you any glue?"</p> + +<p>The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.</p> + +<p>"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the +relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.</p> + +<p>But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad +smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:</p> + +<p>"I found a tack."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central +America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of +way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected +line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:</p> + +<p>"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"</p> + +<p>"Three days, <i>señor</i>," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will +be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to +return home on the same day."</p> + +<p>"Very good, <i>señor</i>," the native agreed courteously.</p> + +<p>"But, <i>señor</i>, what shall we do with the other two days?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">EGGS</h3> + +<p>The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his +poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. +His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was +instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and +the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.</p> + +<p>"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why +you should want to leave."</p> + +<p>"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' +never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' +hens."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EGOTISM</h3> + +<p>The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:</p> + +<p>"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."</p> + +<p>"What's the matter now?"</p> + +<p>The pessimist answered dolefully:</p> + +<p>"Don't you see that it is raining?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">ELEPHANT</h3> + +<p>A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that +had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an +Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange +animal thereabouts.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p><p>"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an +inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ELOPEMENT</h3> + +<p>Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and +asked eagerly for details.</p> + +<p>"What about her father? Did he catch you?"</p> + +<p>"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that +the old boy is living with us still."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ENOUGH</h3> + +<p>The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore +open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he +slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:</p> + +<p>"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."</p> + +<p>The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.</p> + +<p>"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss—I done got a quarter."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EPITAPH</h3> + +<p>In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription +which runs thus:</p> + +<p>"This monument is erected to the memory of James<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> O'Flinn, who was +accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EVIDENCE</h3> + +<p>The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been +arrested for chicken-stealing:</p> + +<p>"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been +all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women +folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey +had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial +evidence."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd +reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on +the road.</p> + +<p>"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"</p> + +<p>"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' +when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to +myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.</p> + +<p>"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until +daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty +dollars for a new hat."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">EXCLUSIVENESS</h3> + +<p>One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A +colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister +that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by +suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and +make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the +darky encountered the minister.</p> + +<p>"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent +me an answer las' night."</p> + +<p>"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did +the Lord say?"</p> + +<p>"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole +Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't +git in dere. Ah know you can't—'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat +chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXPECTANCY</h3> + +<p>An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. +But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been +removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he +called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for +another job.</p> + +<p>"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.</p> + +<p>Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> only means. Pat's lunch +was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.</p> + +<p>"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.</p> + +<p>Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster +up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short +interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike +reproachfully.</p> + +<p>"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded +in his voice.</p> + +<p>"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to +bounce!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXPENSE ACCOUNT</h3> + +<p>The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:</p> + +<p>"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent +cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."</p> + +<p>The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the +final clause.</p> + +<p>"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double +her wages."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXPERIENCE</h3> + +<p>The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The +mother soothed the weeping boy:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p><p>"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the +room.</p> + +<p>She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.</p> + +<p>"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.</p> + +<p>"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXPERTS</h3> + +<p>There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit +pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case +had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky +as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from +right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog +loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:</p> + +<p>"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to +you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide +full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any +rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXPLICITNESS</h3> + +<p>On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was +displeased to find that little Emma, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> was ailing, had not taken her +pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to +do so.</p> + +<p>"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure +and take that pill."</p> + +<p>"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me +where to take it to."</p> + +<h3 class="left">EXTRAVAGANCE</h3> + +<p>A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading +jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches +square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting +of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.</p> + +<p>But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She +turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a +critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her +comment:</p> + +<p>"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly, +the thing looks skimpy—decidedly skimpy!"</p> + +<p>For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.</p> + +<h3 class="left">FACTS</h3> + +<p>The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:</p> + +<p>"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."</p> + +<p>The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:</p> + +<p>"Sech talk ain't nice—and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">FASHION</h3> + +<p>After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and +came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed +thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:</p> + +<p>"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent +clothes."</p> + +<p>"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same +kind the other women are wearing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<div>"The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,</div> +<div class="i1">"The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,</div> +<div>"Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,</div> +<div class="i1">"What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"</div> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<div>But not the modern woman!</div> +</div></div> + +<h3 class="left">FAVORS</h3> + +<p>At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.</p> + +<p>"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his +wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his +first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza +died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum, +it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time +a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">FIGHTING</h3> + +<p>The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:</p> + +<p>"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."</p> + +<p>The father nodded gravely.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."</p> + +<p>The little boy's face brightened.</p> + +<p>"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">FINANCE</h3> + +<p>A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of +the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who +she was, and what her mission:</p> + +<p>"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, +she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay +some bills."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The successful financier snorted contemptuously.</p> + +<p>"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."</p> + +<p>"But only one honest way," a listener declared.</p> + +<p>"What way is that?" the financier demanded.</p> + +<p>"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The eminent financier was discoursing.</p> + +<p>"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people +want."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p><p>"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."</p> + +<p>The financier shook his head contemptuously.</p> + +<p>"No—to corner it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:</p> + +<p>"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, +<i>Bank</i>. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a +deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and +deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my +confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty +dollars of my own money."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FINANCIERS</h3> + +<p>"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.</p> + +<p>"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are +in jail, too."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FISHING</h3> + +<p>The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of +tuna fishing.</p> + +<p>"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less +than a hundred pounds is poor sport."</p> + +<p>The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:</p> + +<p>"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p><p>The congressman nodded.</p> + +<p>"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch +one?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">FLATTERY</h3> + +<p>An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the +car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the +statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got +out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The +dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the +statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him +wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable +and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the +culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:</p> + +<p>"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."</p> + +<p>The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme +scorn, and hissed:</p> + +<p>"Sir, you flatter yourself!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">FLEAS</h3> + +<p>The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner +by the distinguished statesman.</p> + +<p>"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.</p> + +<p>Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant +smile.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p><p>"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before +we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FLIRTATION</h3> + +<p>The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to +another guest, who had just paused beside him:</p> + +<p>"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling +at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an +iceberg."</p> + +<p>"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FLOOD</h3> + +<p>The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with +the man beside him at the counter.</p> + +<p>"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."</p> + +<p>"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.</p> + +<p>"<i>The</i> flood—Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."</p> + +<p>The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled +thickly:</p> + +<p>"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FLOWERS</h3> + +<p>Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<div>"An attachment <i>à la</i> Plato</div> +<div>For a bashful young potato."</div> +</div></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p><p>Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not +look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. +Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following +paragraph:</p> + +<p>"At —— Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was +solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ——, eldest son +of Mr. and Mrs. ——, and a bouquet of pink carnations."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FOG</h3> + +<p>The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could +hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he +found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching +through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.</p> + +<p>"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.</p> + +<p>A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:</p> + +<p>"Into the river—I've just come out!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">FOLLIES</h3> + +<p>A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most +astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down +the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. +The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would +only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they +should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would +surely run after them.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">FOOD</h3> + +<p>The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk +concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north +would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical +time.</p> + +<p>A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a +comment as the speaker paused:</p> + +<p>"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."</p> + +<p>The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.</p> + +<p>"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a—er—culinary sense."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any +calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.</p> + +<p>"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every +day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FOREHANDEDNESS</h3> + +<p>The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and +had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.</p> + +<h3 class="left">FORESIGHT</h3> + +<p>The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; +the mistress preferred the west wall.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p><p>The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was +left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.</p> + +<p>"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here +again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FORGETFULNESS</h3> + +<p>The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the +shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men +slouching past him.</p> + +<p>"Hi, you! where are you going?"</p> + +<p>"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid +dis-heah plank."</p> + +<p>"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.</p> + +<p>The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his +own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed +good-naturedly:</p> + +<p>"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean +forgitted dat plank!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of +drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, +and exhibited a string tied around a finger.</p> + +<p>"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told +me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied +that string around<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember +what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"</p> + +<p>A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.</p> + +<p>"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to +remind you of?"</p> + +<p>The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:</p> + +<p>"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and +then my wife told me what the string was for all right—she certainly +did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind +me to be sure to come home early."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the +candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the +congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she +addressed in a strenuous whisper:</p> + +<p>"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as +fast as you can, and fetch the baby."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FORM</h3> + +<p>The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad +company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room +all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a +letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> that he was +greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he +happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through +error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:</p> + +<p>"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday +in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning +the bride:</p> + +<p>"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"</p> + +<p>The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure +would have given her three or four more passes."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FRAUD</h3> + +<p>The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. +He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of +radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of +the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real +diamond.</p> + +<p>"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."</p> + +<h3 class="left">FRIENDSHIP</h3> + +<p>The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with +downcast head, and grinding his toes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> into the sand and looking very +miserable and lonely indeed.</p> + +<p>"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.</p> + +<p>The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:</p> + +<p>"I have one friend—but I hate him!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his +traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the +congregation. The letter opened in this form:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Dear Friends:</p> + +<p>"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so +well."</p></blockquote> + +<h3 class="left">FRENCH</h3> + +<p>An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for +his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He +discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to +the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he +could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great +emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:</p> + +<p>"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où le +trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"</p> + +<p>"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak +French, either."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">FUSSINESS</h3> + +<p>The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he +could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and +the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, +nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his +operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:</p> + +<p>"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to +yerself?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">GENDER</h3> + +<p>It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the +following question, because they are not always learned in the Old +Testament.</p> + +<p>"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, +what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"</p> + +<p>Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, +necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah +was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever +to do with the case.</p> + +<h3 class="left">GENTLEMAN</h3> + +<p>There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of +the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in +prefixing <i>un</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a +gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A +contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:</p> + +<p>"Sir—I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this—</p> + +<p>"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">GEOGRAPHY</h3> + +<p>The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings +completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. +Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had +arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly +assembled. The answer was explicit:</p> + +<p>"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."</p> + +<h3 class="left">GHOSTS</h3> + +<p>There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all +the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named +Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, +and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, +he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other +darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, +however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> his reappearance +after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to +the haunted house for the night.</p> + +<p>When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was +found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing +negro.</p> + +<p>But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud +and evidently worn with fatigue.</p> + +<p>"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de +las' foh days?"</p> + +<p>And Sam answered simply:</p> + +<p>"Ah's been comin' back."</p> + +<h3 class="left">GOD</h3> + +<p>The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a +sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with +considerable pride:</p> + +<p>"I'm drawing a picture of God."</p> + +<p>"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen +God. No one knows how God looks."</p> + +<p>"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they +will."</p> + +<h3 class="left">GOD'S WILL</h3> + +<p>The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his +mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, +he attempted to reassure her:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and +it's deader 'n dead."</p> + +<p>His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due +to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:</p> + +<p>"Yes, we beat it and beat it until—until God called it home!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">GOLF</h3> + +<p>The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that +he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new +boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.</p> + +<p>"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what +the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be +worse even than you are."</p> + +<p>"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.</p> + +<p>And the caddy replied:</p> + +<p>"Arbuthnot-Joyce."</p> + +<h3 class="left">GRACE</h3> + +<p>The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following +the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy +was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only +from the excitement of the special service<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> through which he had passed, +but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, +he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his +protest, however, the father insisted.</p> + +<p>So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed +his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:</p> + +<p>"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady +of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from +Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise +the Lord! I practise it!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">GRAMMAR</h3> + +<p>The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a +window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby +brother close by on the curb.</p> + +<p>"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.</p> + +<p>The little girl corrected the lady:</p> + +<p>"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. +"No, I ain't going," was the reply.</p> + +<p>The teacher corrected the child:</p> + +<p>"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> am not going.'" +And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We +are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you +say all that?"</p> + +<p>The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.</p> + +<p>"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:</p> + +<p>"Them hain't the boots what was stole."</p> + +<p>The judge rebuked the witness sternly:</p> + +<p>"Speak grammatic, young man—speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to +say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots +as was stealed.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">GRASS</h3> + +<p>The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand +enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and +shouted:</p> + +<p>"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that +grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would +have given two hundred dollars an acre for."</p> + +<h3 class="left">GREED</h3> + +<p>An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, +the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her +realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could +not be fully paid for, she continued:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p><p>"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself +have embroidered."</p> + +<p>The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the +physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:</p> + +<p>"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."</p> + +<p>"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.</p> + +<p>"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.</p> + +<p>The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put +back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her +departure.</p> + +<h3 class="left">GRIEF</h3> + +<p>At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic +grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other +mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.</p> + +<p>The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower +on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by +the man.</p> + +<p>"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband +inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued +proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I +cut up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who +found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p><p>"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and +cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll +begin again, and probably keep it up all day."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HABIT</h3> + +<p>It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's +second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony +entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no +effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he +directed them, "Please, stand up."</p> + +<p>The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him, +and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their +decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:</p> + +<p>"We have ginerally sot."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times +in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League, +an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court +in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room +at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their +accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the +dock.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">HAIR</h3> + +<p>The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious +Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she +commented:</p> + +<p>"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you +want an extry puff."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HARD TO PLEASE</h3> + +<p>The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the +beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and +rumbled in a threatening bass voice:</p> + +<p>"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done +it."</p> + +<p>The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:</p> + +<p>"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."</p> + +<p>"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And +why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HASTE</h3> + +<p>The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time +set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had +failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for +executive <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his +urgent need:</p> + +<p>"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on +Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HEARSAY</h3> + +<p>The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him +that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading +false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the +governor:</p> + +<p>"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a +lie."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HEAVEN</h3> + +<p>The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what +he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true +enough.</p> + +<p>A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:</p> + +<p>"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"</p> + +<p>"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in +heaven!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HELP</h3> + +<p>The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who +chanced along inquired:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p><p>"How's that new hand o' your'n?"</p> + +<p>"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand—he's a sore +thumb."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two +men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a +tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on +desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree. +Finally, the man shouted between gasps:</p> + +<p>"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery +old hog!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HELPFULNESS</h3> + +<p>Many a mayor is a friend to the people—just like his honor in the +following story.</p> + +<p>A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, +and explained himself and his business there as follows:</p> + +<p>"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins +will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform +yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."</p> + +<p>It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be +sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to +interview that official.</p> + +<p>After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the +office of the registrar.</p> + +<p>"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> is now fuller of +water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed, +and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."</p> + +<p>The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and +that the only recourse must be to the mayor.</p> + +<p>"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor? +I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr. +O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HEN</h3> + +<p>The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop +said:</p> + +<p>"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."</p> + +<p>"But I don't see any hen."</p> + +<p>The clerk explained patiently.</p> + +<p>"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter <i>hen</i>. <i>Hen</i> stands for <i>noo-laid</i>."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HEREAFTER</h3> + +<p>This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:</p> + +<p>"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"</p> + +<p>"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."</p> + +<p>"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased +to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.</p> + +<p>"And candy, too, mamma?"</p> + +<p>The mother shook her head.</p> + +<p>"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HEREDITY</h3> + +<p>The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious +concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to +excite the jealousy of her little daughter.</p> + +<p>"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child +teasingly.</p> + +<p>The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:</p> + +<p>"He looks just like his muvver."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HIGH PRICES</h3> + +<p>Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:</p> + +<p>"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"</p> + +<p>The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, +answered cynically:</p> + +<p>"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">HINDSIGHT</h3> + +<p>Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday +morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with +the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later +with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into +a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:</p> + +<p>"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"</p> + +<p>Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls, +and shook his head.</p> + +<p>"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible +twisted."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as +it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the +intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned +for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over +the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.</p> + +<p>"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HINTING</h3> + +<p>A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning +delinquent subscribers to the paper:</p> + +<p>"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> have $eemingly +forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have +not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter—it'$ nece$$ary in +our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch +remi$$ne$$."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HISTORY</h3> + +<p>The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that +the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed +that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that +subject protested:</p> + +<p>"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the +faculty declared.</p> + +<p>The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:</p> + +<p>"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very +difficult study, and most perplexing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast +was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was +very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most +of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the +Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite +narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was +as follows:</p> + +<p>"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> dar by de fo'ks. +Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way, +an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an' +when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im, +an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de +time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOGS</h3> + +<p>The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on +which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been +somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, +the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable +feature. He received the following reply:</p> + +<p>"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be +sure to come."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOLDING HIS OWN</h3> + +<p>The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to +all and sundry:</p> + +<p>"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I +haven't nothin' now."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOME BREW</h3> + +<p>The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p><p>"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a +question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"</p> + +<p>The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:</p> + +<p>"Anything!"</p> + +<p>And she fell into his arms.</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOMESICKNESS</h3> + +<p>One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm +under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in +France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant +discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The +officer spoke roughly:</p> + +<p>"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"</p> + +<p>"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive +voice.</p> + +<p>"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for? +What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"</p> + +<p>"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a +choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HONEYMOON</h3> + +<p>The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the +groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. +She returned in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the +door, on which she tapped daintily.</p> + +<p>"I'm back, honey—let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But +there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more +firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:</p> + +<p>"Honey, honey—it's Susie! Let me in!"</p> + +<p>Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:</p> + +<p>"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HONORABLE INTENTIONS</h3> + +<p>A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to +a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it +time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father +interviewed him:</p> + +<p>"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, +an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, +Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"</p> + +<p>And Clinton responded unabashed:</p> + +<p>"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for +you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable—but remote."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOSPITAL</h3> + +<p>Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that +an operation was necessary for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> child's cure, and that she must go +to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave +during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be +found.</p> + +<p>As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse +heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:</p> + +<p>"It's a bum way to get a cat."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOSPITALITY</h3> + +<p>The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple +pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away +from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which +he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the +lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then +remarked:</p> + +<p>"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find +it?"</p> + +<p>The boy replied with a flush of pride:</p> + +<p>"In the rat-trap."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HUMBUG</h3> + +<p>Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the +body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper +and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird +monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p><p>"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the +spokesman asked.</p> + +<p>The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at +the boys.</p> + +<p>"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.</p> + +<p>The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HUMIDITY</h3> + +<p>The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn +when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a +Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.</p> + +<p>"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest +is——'" He halted at a loss.</p> + +<p>"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.</p> + +<p>"Is damp."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HUMILITY</h3> + +<p>The slow suitor asked:</p> + +<p>"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, +dearest, I accept."</p> + +<h3 class="left">HUNGER</h3> + +<p>"That woman never turns away a hungry man."</p> + +<p>"Ah, genuinely charitable!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p><p>"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for +a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">HUNTING</h3> + +<p>An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no +game. A friend twitted him with his failure:</p> + +<p>"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"</p> + +<p>The honest fellow nodded miserably.</p> + +<p>"I shot my dog."</p> + +<p>"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"</p> + +<p>The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.</p> + +<p>"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">IDENTITY</h3> + +<p>The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman +who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.</p> + +<p>"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to +introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."</p> + +<p>The woman stared at him disdainfully.</p> + +<p>"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here +strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to +know you."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">IDIOMS</h3> + +<p>The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial +expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a +distinguished statesman.</p> + +<p>"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should +kick the ghost."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by +standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.</p> + +<p>"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator +paused.</p> + +<p>The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing +reminiscence:</p> + +<p>"He kicked the bucket."</p> + +<h3 class="left">ILLUSTRATION</h3> + +<p>Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the +saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against +injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the +novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.</p> + +<p>"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.</p> + +<p>"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this +when,—bejabers, there's another gone!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">IMPATIENCE</h3> + +<p>An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones +concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and +spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:</p> + +<p>"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how +she'd git well, or somethin'."</p> + +<h3 class="left">IMPUDENCE</h3> + +<p>The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his +skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had +lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy +asked:</p> + +<p>"Are you going out to-day, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"</p> + +<p>"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow +your wooden leg to play hockey."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INDIRECTION</h3> + +<p>The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:</p> + +<p>"Er—Jenny, do you—think—er—your mother might—er—seriously +consider—er—becoming my—er-mother-in-law?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">INHERITANCE</h3> + +<p>A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was +working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.</p> + +<p>"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.</p> + +<p>"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County +Mayo?"</p> + +<p>"I did that."</p> + +<p>"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"</p> + +<p>"They was."</p> + +<p>"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole, +that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty +thousand dollars."</p> + +<p>There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.</p> + +<p>"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.</p> + +<p>"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the +foreman."</p> + +<p>It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to +expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to +satisfy a huge inherited thirst.</p> + +<p>Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought +him out again.</p> + +<p>"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained. +"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p><p>O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great +weariness.</p> + +<p>"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I +wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and +live."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered +to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:</p> + +<p>"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"</p> + +<p>A voice came down from the gallery:</p> + +<p>"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Said one Tommy to another:</p> + +<p>"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"</p> + +<p>"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner," +was the answer. "Inherited it from him."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INITIATIVE</h3> + +<p>The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her +mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:</p> + +<p>"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."</p> + +<p>"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added +proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">INJUSTICE</h3> + +<p>The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was +the matter.</p> + +<p>"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.</p> + +<p>"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.</p> + +<p>The child bawled the louder.</p> + +<p>"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INNOCENCE</h3> + +<p>A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door +closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a +desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:</p> + +<p>"I wants to tum in, Sissy."</p> + +<p>"But you tan't tum in, Tom."</p> + +<p>"But I wants to."</p> + +<p>"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see +little girls in their nightie gowns."</p> + +<p>There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy +reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:</p> + +<p>"You tan tum in now, Tom—I tooked it off."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to +admire the baby, and asked how old it was.</p> + +<p>"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p><p>And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:</p> + +<p>"And is it your youngest?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">INQUISITIVENESS</h3> + +<p>In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The +sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort +to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:</p> + +<p>"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."</p> + +<p>The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and +felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.</p> + +<p>"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate +had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:</p> + +<p>"You broke your arm, didn't you?"</p> + +<p>"Well, yes, I did."</p> + +<p>"Had an accident, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."</p> + +<p>"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the +back for?"</p> + +<p>"Just for minding my own business."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INSOMNIA</h3> + +<p>The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling +the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">INSULT</h3> + +<p>The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the +day's work.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"</p> + +<p>"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"</p> + +<p>"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.</p> + +<p>The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.</p> + +<p>"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred +miles away."</p> + +<p>"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning, +and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened +it."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it, +except——"</p> + +<p>"Except what?"</p> + +<p>"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult—that was +to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.—Dear Ella, don't fail +to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he +had been insulted by a deacon of his church.</p> + +<p>"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin +explained, "and opened my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, +'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">INSURANCE</h3> + +<p>The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts +paid, etc.</p> + +<p>"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my +house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to +start?"</p> + +<p>"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.</p> + +<p>The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.</p> + +<p>"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a +catch in it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INTERMISSION</h3> + +<p>During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by +announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the +audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:</p> + +<p>"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the +lecture."</p> + +<h3 class="left">INVENTORS</h3> + +<p>The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, +looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and +remarked enviously:</p> + +<p>"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that +feller Vacuum has cleared millions."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">ITEMS</h3> + +<p>The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on +various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:</p> + +<table border='0' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='5' summary='painters bill'> + <tr> + <td>Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments</td> + <td> 6.00</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet</td> + <td> 3.06</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill</td> + <td> 4.08</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye</td> + <td> 2.06</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel</td> + <td> 5.06</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks</td> + <td> 2.04</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon</td> + <td> 8.02</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls</td> + <td> 3.06</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd +jobs for the damned</td> + <td> 4.10</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack</td> + <td> 2.00</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig</td> + <td> 3.07</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him</td> + <td> 2.08</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Put earrings in the ears of Sarah</td> + <td> 5.00</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's +hand and extended his legs</td> + <td> 2.00</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Decorated Noah's Ark</td> + <td> 1.20</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the</td> + <td> 1.00</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td>———</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td> 53.83</td> + </tr> +</table> + +<h3 class="left">JOKES</h3> + +<p>The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous +abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they +insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the +entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a +conundrum:</p> + +<p>"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"</p> + +<p>When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:</p> + +<p>"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."</p> + +<h3 class="left">KINSHIP</h3> + +<p>The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his +explanation:</p> + +<p>"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's +a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> Matilda, concerning a +raid made on the chicken-house during the night.</p> + +<p>"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me +you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the +chickens."</p> + +<p>"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky +features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de +men."</p> + +<p>"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.</p> + +<p>Matilda wept.</p> + +<p>"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I +wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in +de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his +ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh +him."</p> + +<h3 class="left">KISSES</h3> + +<p>The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the +clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:</p> + +<p>"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"</p> + +<p>The clergyman might have replied:</p> + +<p>"Not yet, but soon."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young man addressed the old grouch:</p> + +<p>"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given +her supper, and taken her home<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow +kiss her good-night?"</p> + +<p>The old grouch snorted.</p> + +<p>"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."</p> + +<h3 class="left">KISSING</h3> + +<p>The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour +between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it +was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose +to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was +not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the +question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So, +they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively +tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed—ardently for a period +of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped ... Let's try it +again."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the +child up, with the remark:</p> + +<p>"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."</p> + +<p>The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he +was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:</p> + +<p>"Come down in the kitchen—the cook has the toothache."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness +with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded +of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth +Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips +from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking +girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or +cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and +solemnly:</p> + +<p>"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does +not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to +be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to +choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those +that squeak under the operation."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LAUGHTER</h3> + +<p>Josh Billings said:</p> + +<p>"Laff every time yu pheel tickled—and laff once in a while enny how."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LAW</h3> + +<p>The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:</p> + +<p>"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits +you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what +the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">LAWYERS</h3> + +<p>There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth +forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf +of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client +as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a +ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the +prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large +roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.</p> + +<p>"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.</p> + +<p>"In the county jail."</p> + +<p>"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's +bad—very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, +declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, +lawyers as a class enjoy good health.</p> + +<h3 class="left">LEGERDEMAIN</h3> + +<p>"What did you do last night?"</p> + +<p>"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and +offered her my hand, and she slighted it."</p> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p><p>LENT</p> + +<p>"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty +dollars for a new Easter bonnet."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LIARS</h3> + +<p>The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences +of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were +especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of +Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a +furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was +permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:</p> + +<p>"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for +a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet +to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to +come home to see her an' the children."</p> + +<p>The colonel shook his head decisively.</p> + +<p>"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think +you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She +doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, +and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until +your term of service expires."</p> + +<p>"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> saluted and went +to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.</p> + +<p>"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after +pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.</p> + +<p>"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so +to spake?"</p> + +<p>"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."</p> + +<p>"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the +prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of +the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim—I have no wife."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LIES</h3> + +<p>A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time +observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, +he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident +that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the +following effect:</p> + +<p>"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a +farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have +ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow +and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the +forehead between the ears."</p> + +<p>The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. +Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:</p> + +<p>"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> was telling you the +truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, +you are all wide-awake."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LIGHTNING</h3> + +<p>The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also +afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was +delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly +broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the +elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:</p> + +<p>"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that +feathers are splendid non-conductors."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LISP</h3> + +<p>The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:</p> + +<p>"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"</p> + +<p>"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes +panth."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LITERAL</h3> + +<p>The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which +they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what +was really in them. The star production from this command was a +composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It +ran as follows:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p><p>"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really +in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes +and my dinner."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LITERALNESS</h3> + +<p>The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the +village, and inquired:</p> + +<p>"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"</p> + +<p>"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid +cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LOGIC</h3> + +<p>The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before +the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was +both puzzled and distressed.</p> + +<p>"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.</p> + +<p>"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.</p> + +<p>"What about, little man?"</p> + +<p>"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"</p> + +<p>"Why, no! Of course not, dear."</p> + +<p>The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of +trouble deepened, as he spoke again:</p> + +<p>"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LOQUACITY</h3> + +<p>The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word +exchanged between them. As they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> came to the eighteenth green, Sandy +surveyed the lie, and muttered:</p> + +<p>"Dormie."</p> + +<p>Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:</p> + +<p>"Chatter-r-rbox!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">LOVE</h3> + +<p>The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and +love:</p> + +<p>"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things +after each other."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT</h3> + +<p>The little girl came in tears to her mother.</p> + +<p>"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.</p> + +<p>"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come +to get such an idea?"</p> + +<p>"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know—I tried Him with +a daisy."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LUCK</h3> + +<p>The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of +the general cussedness of things:</p> + +<p>"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things +will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever +takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the +luck'd turn—it'd take a turn for the worse."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very +expensive restaurant.</p> + +<p>"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that +small piece of potato, and there it was!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as +follows:</p> + +<p>"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the +bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.</p> + +<p>"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.</p> + +<p>"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription +for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LUNACY</h3> + +<p>The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the +bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled +the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great +clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:</p> + +<p>"Caught anything?"</p> + +<p>The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p><p>"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.</p> + +<p>"Three hours," was the answer.</p> + +<p>The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:</p> + +<p>"Come inside!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">LUXURY</h3> + +<p>The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave +his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:</p> + +<p>"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, +'Time for the parade, sir.'</p> + +<p>"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep +again."</p> + +<h3 class="left">LYING</h3> + +<p>The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:</p> + +<p>"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving +town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the +train and pay him the money."</p> + +<p>"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't +want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With +tears in her eyes, and a catch in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> her voice, she sought to impress upon +him the enormity of his offense.</p> + +<p>"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who +tell falsehoods?"</p> + +<p>The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained +carefully:</p> + +<p>"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the +center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has +told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there +sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another +falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"</p> + +<p>Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.</p> + +<p>"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">MAIDENS</h3> + +<p>"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get +married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men +you're going to marry."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MAIDEN SPEECH</h3> + +<p>The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:</p> + +<p>"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at +the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and +began like this:</p> + +<p>"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">MANNERS</h3> + +<p>It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal +Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian +church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince +drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."</p> + +<p>"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology; +certainly, it is a complete explanation."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the +lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer +for the cup.</p> + +<p>"What about the saucer?" he asked.</p> + +<p>The girl explained:</p> + +<p>"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, +some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't +good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car +made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, +when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:</p> + +<p>"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry +you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick +lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">MARKSMANSHIP</h3> + +<p>During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and +skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in +the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens +pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.</p> + +<p>"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.</p> + +<p>"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."</p> + +<p>"Whereabouts shot?"</p> + +<p>"In the laig."</p> + +<p>"<i>Some</i> shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.</p> + +<h3 class="left">MARRIAGE</h3> + +<p>Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from +the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.</p> + +<p>"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first +meet this woman who has thus abused you?"</p> + +<p>The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he +replied:</p> + +<p>"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook +me."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Wanted</i><br />Small nicely furnished house, nice<br /> +locality, from August 1st, for<br />nearly married couple.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing +young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There +was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, +but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:</p> + +<p>"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her +colored cook.</p> + +<p>"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. +But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."</p> + +<p>"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully. +"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in +spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in +the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.</p> + +<p>"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy +she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the +dollar he had borrowed the week before.</p> + +<p>"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar +back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never +mind, since you are as mean as that."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, +rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate +purpose:</p> + +<p>"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I +ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A +married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man +was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before +the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.</p> + +<p>"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.</p> + +<p>"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.</p> + +<p>The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"</p> + +<p>"I am!" she snapped.</p> + +<p>"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his +own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:</p> + +<p>"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl +had left to be married.</p> + +<p>"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.</p> + +<p>The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:</p> + +<p>"Oh, it's fine, ma'am—getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's +sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to +the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the +lady.</p> + +<p>"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the +change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.</p> + +<p>"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk +nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:</p> + +<p>"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There +ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week +after the burial of his deceased helpmate.</p> + +<p>"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in +years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an' +smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her +duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a +cross word out o' her in all the thutty year<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> we lived together. But +dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty +peart."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain +wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl +on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired +concerning it:</p> + +<p>"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"</p> + +<p>"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob +de season."</p> + +<p>"Did you receive handsome presents?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."</p> + +<p>"And was your house nicely decorated?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a +white-folks' weddin', yes'm."</p> + +<p>"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"</p> + +<p>"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal +dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."</p> + +<p>"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"</p> + +<p>"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up +at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">MERIT</h3> + +<p>Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at +ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p><p>"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer +meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.</p> + +<p>"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does +ye such credit."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MILITARY DISCIPLINE</h3> + +<p>The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had +brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the +colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention +to him whatever.</p> + +<p>"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.</p> + +<p>The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or +mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. +But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.</p> + +<p>"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold +this pie while I present arms."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MISCELLANY</h3> + +<p>It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with +seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be +repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were +discovered:</p> + +<p>Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons, +thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and +seventeen pins, some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven +cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of +homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, +fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two +switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which +apparently had bitten each other.</p> + +<h3 class="left">MISTAKEN IDENTITY</h3> + +<p>The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the +pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone +to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting +a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal +from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to +hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a +startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and +scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:</p> + +<p>"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car +to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave +him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that +filled the whole car:</p> + +<p>"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."</p> + +<p>The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p><p>"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."</p> + +<p>"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was +speaking to my niece behind you."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him +in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they +were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her +knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the +woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she +perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he +was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, +and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of +her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the +door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her +pursuer angrily:</p> + +<p>"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"</p> + +<p>The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:</p> + +<p>"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the +train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He +explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake +easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.</p> + +<p>The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> Cleveland far behind. In +a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled +state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the +furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or +excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the +outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and +muttered:</p> + +<p>"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special +baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in +the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be +brought to the church at that time.</p> + +<p>The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking +of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:</p> + +<p>"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, +or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the +little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but +the mother comforted her, saying:</p> + +<p>"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."</p> + +<p>A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the +room.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p><p>"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some +instructions:</p> + +<p>"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say +you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."</p> + +<p>It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in +that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is +also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her +origin, the child hesitated, and then said:</p> + +<p>"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house +of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to +the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door +by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After +the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the +health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now +misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that +he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor +who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every +winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake +at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having +explained thus far, the good lady noticed the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> flabbergasted air of her +guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his +looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. +Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his +condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay +quiet.</p> + +<h3 class="left">MISMATED</h3> + +<p>A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his +ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked +himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the +lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and +went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man +shouted:</p> + +<p>"Here we come—darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">MIXED METAPHORS</h3> + +<p>A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of +the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram +in announcement of his mother's death:</p> + +<p>"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the +bucket."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MODESTY</h3> + +<p>A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London +weekly wrote:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p><p>"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole +quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate +people."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MONEY TALKS</h3> + +<p>The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of +most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial +contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the +elderly gentleman replied benignantly:</p> + +<p>"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."</p> + +<p>The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.</p> + +<p>"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't +worth hearin'."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MONEY VALUE</h3> + +<p>A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other +guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every +one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various +viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. +In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown +on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to +just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned +pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:</p> + +<p>"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">MONOGAMY</h3> + +<p>The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:</p> + +<p>"And you never let your husband beat you?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to +try such a thing!"</p> + +<p>The oldest wife nodded understandingly.</p> + +<p>"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MONOTONY</h3> + +<p>The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"</p> + +<p>"Why, dear, do you want one?"</p> + +<p>The child nodded seriously.</p> + +<p>"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MORALITY</h3> + +<p>The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new +neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.</p> + +<p>"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the +Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't +any lawn-mower."</p> + +<h3 class="left">MOSQUITOES</h3> + +<p>The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and +fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat +peeved.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p><p>"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."</p> + +<p>"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of +mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method +by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before +prohibition.</p> + +<p>"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy +splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely +intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull +creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so +completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner +nobody!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">MOTTO</h3> + +<p>Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, +in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:</p> + +<p>"<i>Ici on parle français</i>."</p> + +<p>"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the +observers remarked.</p> + +<p>To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a +red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.</p> + +<p>One of the men addressed the barkeeper:</p> + +<p>"<i>Fait beau temps, monsieur</i>."</p> + +<p>The barkeeper scowled.</p> + +<p>"Come agin!" he demanded.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p><p>It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the +establishment.</p> + +<p>The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, +explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."</p> + +<p>The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.</p> + +<p>"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it +was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">MUSIC</h3> + +<p>Artemas Ward said:</p> + +<p>"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants +where music was provided.</p> + +<p>"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget +the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the +porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. +The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the +village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The +young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and +presently she spoke eagerly:</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't it sound grand!"</p> + +<p>The young man nodded, and answered:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p><p>"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with +their hind legs."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult +concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: +During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the +performer, and whispered loudly:</p> + +<p>"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was +compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His +stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed +patron snorted, and then asked:</p> + +<p>"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"</p> + +<p>The leader bowed again and beamed.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."</p> + +<p>"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of +checkers while I finish my meal."</p> + +<h3 class="left">NEATNESS</h3> + +<p>The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even +remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was +continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> +he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, +which read:</p> + +<p>"Please wipe your feet."</p> + +<p>The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:</p> + +<p>"On going out."</p> + +<h3 class="left">NEIGHBORS</h3> + +<p>It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the +eminent basso to sing.</p> + +<p>"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your +neighbors."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our +dog last week."</p> + +<h3 class="left">NERVES</h3> + +<p>The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being +cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly +tucked in, the little one commented:</p> + +<p>"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."</p> + +<h3 class="left">NIGHTMARE</h3> + +<p>"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor +inquired. "What is it?"</p> + +<p>The suffering man answered:</p> + +<p>"I dream that I'm married."</p> + +<p>"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"</p> + +<p>"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a +nightmare."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p><p>The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who +did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact +that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and +marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOMENCLATURE</h3> + +<p>The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for +the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his +mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he +described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:</p> + +<p>"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, +an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded +her critically, and then demanded:</p> + +<p>"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds +stripped for 'gym.'"</p> + +<p>The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:</p> + +<p>"Who in thunder is Jim?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on +the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary +society was prevented by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> illness from introducing the speaker, and the +mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The +amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, +and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this +observation:</p> + +<p>"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have +often wondered—what are Keats!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the +business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad +that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him +after the following episode.</p> + +<p>A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the +display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady +was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:</p> + +<p>"Where are your sideboards?"</p> + +<p>The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:</p> + +<p>"Why—er—I shaved them off last week."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the +adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the +earthquake.</p> + +<p>"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, +everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a +sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.</p> + +<p>"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, +the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian +anyhow?"</p> + +<p>"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But +they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an +inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.</p> + +<p>"What? Never heard of <i>Tom Sawyer</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Nope, never heard of him."</p> + +<p>"Nor <i>Huck Finn</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Nope, never heard of him neither."</p> + +<p>"Nor <i>Puddin'head Wilson</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."</p> + +<p>And then he added sadly:</p> + +<p>"An' that's all the good it done me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he +was uncertain as to just what he was:</p> + +<p>"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me +the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, +he says I'm the sacrilege."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">OBSTINACY</h3> + +<p>The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for +the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing +there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his +head.</p> + +<p>"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.</p> + +<p>"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."</p> + +<p>The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train +moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance +when the wife inquired slyly:</p> + +<p>"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"</p> + +<p>The old man shook his head more violently than before.</p> + +<p>"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">OMEN</h3> + +<p>The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the +waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter +explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in +the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.</p> + +<p>"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">OPTICAL ILLUSION</h3> + +<p>The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:</p> + +<p>"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"</p> + +<p>"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly +surprised.</p> + +<p>"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason +why."</p> + +<p>"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was +a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must +have shaved somebody else."</p> + +<h3 class="left">OPTIMISM</h3> + +<p>The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to +seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, +after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the +ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a +fellow laborer:</p> + +<p>"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."</p> + +<p>Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:</p> + +<p>"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my +teeth at home, too."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the +fourth story, he was overheard muttering:</p> + +<p>"So far, so good!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">ORIENTATION</h3> + +<p>John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The +two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were +much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird +fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his +servant:</p> + +<p>"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off—I heard it splash!"</p> + +<p>Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the +shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.</p> + +<p>"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"</p> + +<p>"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me—here I am." +Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."</p> + +<p>Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the +dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.</p> + +<p>"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.</p> + +<p>Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the +tail:</p> + +<p>"It waur the horse's head as fell off—nothin' left but the mane!"</p> + +<p>"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae +something to hold on."</p> + +<p>So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and +Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird +shouted in dismay:</p> + +<p>"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">OUTWORN</h3> + +<p>Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. +The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional +information:</p> + +<p>"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PARADOX</h3> + +<p>The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the +church along with the crowd that had attended the services:</p> + +<p>"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their +seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush +at the doors."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a +country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in +the morning while the two men were dressing.</p> + +<p>"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.</p> + +<p>"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' +and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."</p> + +<p>"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? +Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PASTORAL</h3> + +<p>Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as +compiled by a young curate:</p> + +<p>"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal +ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> of which 16 were on secular and all +the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 +were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the +church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which +were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such +occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several +times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 +times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear +in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress +that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics +attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, +37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the +selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 +times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined +invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; +started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2 +times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; +expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PATRIOTISM</h3> + +<p>The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit +to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful +experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his +local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:</p> + +<p>"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> schoolboy who is the +hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an +examination in general history, he was asked:</p> + +<p>"Who was the first man?"</p> + +<p>He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:</p> + +<p>"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the +hearts——"</p> + +<p>But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:</p> + +<p>"Wrong! Adam was the first man."</p> + +<p>The boy sniffed disgustedly.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at +last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the +evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse +into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though +uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed +the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort +inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.</p> + +<p>"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you +can kick <i>me</i>!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PEACE</h3> + +<p>The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the +headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:</p> + +<p>"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."</p> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p><p>PEACEMAKER</p> + +<p>The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he +had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your +brains out!"</p> + +<p>"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I +stepped in between them."</p> + +<p>Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he +burst forth:</p> + +<p>"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PENSION</h3> + +<p>The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, +but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the +tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. +98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due +to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.</p> + +<p>This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to +this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the +alleged kick of a vicious horse."</p> + +<p>The reply came promptly:</p> + +<p>"My leg!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PESSIMISM</h3> + +<p>The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a +discouraged tone:</p> + +<p>"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> Tuesday, and the next +day Wednesday—the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry +concerning his health.</p> + +<p>"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is +failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But +now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I +have to turn and come back."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:</p> + +<p>"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two +daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, +and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical +geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PHILANTHROPY</h3> + +<p>"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a +number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.</p> + +<p>"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent +inquiry.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to +employ as many as possible when times are so hard."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">PHONETICS</h3> + +<p>Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great +seriousness:</p> + +<p>"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"</p> + +<p>"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is +the name of a city. Why?"</p> + +<p>"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"</p> + +<p>"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. +Why?"</p> + +<p>"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head +off."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PHYSIOLOGY</h3> + +<p>The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various +organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as +the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat +to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was +broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:</p> + +<p>"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose +organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PLAIN SPEAKING</h3> + +<p>The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in +service.</p> + +<p>"You seem to have had a good many situations," was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> the lady's comment +as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all +told?"</p> + +<p>"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told +eggzactly what I thought of them."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PLAYING POSSUM</h3> + +<p>"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his +bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I +done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de +'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog +done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was +a polecat!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PLUMBER</h3> + +<p>The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with +the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. +The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the +hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, +and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:</p> + +<p>"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."</p> + +<p>The plumber snorted indignantly.</p> + +<p>"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">POETRY</h3> + +<p>The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> told in the +following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting +aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going +from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition +calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly +life, and is going from bad to verse every day."</p> + +<h3 class="left">POINT OF VIEW</h3> + +<p>A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the +period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and +even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after +their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was +extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the +host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain +smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:</p> + +<p>"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never +invited you to eat at his table."</p> + +<p>"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a +genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in +the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:</p> + +<p>"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"</p> + +<p>The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p><p>"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems +like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."</p> + +<h3 class="left">POKER</h3> + +<p>Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in +France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.</p> + +<p>"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.</p> + +<p>The Yankee did not hesitate.</p> + +<p>"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four +tons."</p> + +<h3 class="left">POLITENESS</h3> + +<p>The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote +herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked +innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons +to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The +mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man +leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:</p> + +<p>"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"</p> + +<p>"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.</p> + +<p>"Please call her then," the fat man requested.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, +was carefully admonished by his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> mother to remember his manners, and to +speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the +instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.</p> + +<p>After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could +contrive:</p> + +<p>"This is pretty good soup—what there is of it."</p> + +<p>He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on +the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to +correct any bad impression from his previous speech:</p> + +<p>"And there's plenty of it—such as it is."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the +hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly +said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was +offered him.</p> + +<p>Johnnie shook his head seriously.</p> + +<p>"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by +the class, the following sentence:</p> + +<p>"The horse and cow is in the pasture."</p> + +<p>A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:</p> + +<p>"Please, sir, ladies should come first."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before +him:</p> + +<p>"You must excuse my not giving you my seat—I'm a member of the Sit +Still Club."</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring—I +belong to the Stand and Stare Club."</p> + +<p>She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.</p> + +<p>"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."</p> + +<h3 class="left">POLITICS</h3> + +<p>The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a +petition.</p> + +<p>"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."</p> + +<p>The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on +the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook +his head.</p> + +<p>"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little +older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."</p> + +<h3 class="left">POPULATION</h3> + +<p>Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to +the population of the city.</p> + +<p>"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a +hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">POSTAL</h3> + +<p>It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The +fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and +postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the +communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well +informed is shown in a quotation by <i>Punch</i> of a local letter-carrier's +apology to a lady on his round:</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said +Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both +very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to +Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRAISE</h3> + +<p>One negro workman was overheard talking to another:</p> + +<p>"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam +ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him +yoh shohly is!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRAYER</h3> + +<p>The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the +country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained +that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked +advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:</p> + +<p>"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his +marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and +died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his +previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he +journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate +should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on +the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the +gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At +sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.</p> + +<p>"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with +squint—for the third time!—and after all my prayers!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game +for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly +impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother +was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:</p> + +<p>"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he +finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:</p> + +<p>"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"</p> + +<p>"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened +it with?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p><p>"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with +prayer."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the +following impressive description of the prayer:</p> + +<p>"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The New York Sun published the following:</p> + +<p>The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the +little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.</p> + +<p>The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently +closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever +young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled +hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.</p> + +<p>With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes +dancing, and exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it +better, Muvver."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he +answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his +prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the +congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he +added further:</p> + +<p>"I just say the little prayer mother taught me—'Now I lay me down to +sleep.'"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having +been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the +reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:</p> + +<p>"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as +she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with +Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and +daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before +her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:</p> + +<p>"Does anybody know how to pray?"</p> + +<p>One man spoke confidently in answer:</p> + +<p>"Yes, Captain, I do."</p> + +<p>The captain nodded.</p> + +<p>"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest +of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PREACHER</h3> + +<p>A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote +to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He +concluded his appeal as follows:</p> + +<p>"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a +Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary +Preacher. If you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't +spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust +Preacher, send us an Exhauster."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRECAUTION</h3> + +<p>When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the +words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:</p> + +<p>"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full +solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who +had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was +thrown by the impact.</p> + +<p>"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.</p> + +<p>"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer +sarcastically. "How does that happen?"</p> + +<p>"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I +measured the distance."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRECOCITY</h3> + +<p>The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.</p> + +<p>"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little +three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."</p> + +<p>"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the +critic.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">PREMATURENESS</h3> + +<p>Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat +down in the same seat.</p> + +<p>"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>Jakey started nervously.</p> + +<p>"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PREPAREDNESS</h3> + +<p>The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen +them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to +himself:</p> + +<p>"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit +in it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:</p> + +<p>Mrs. Riley—Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an' +day.</p> + +<p>Mrs. O'Rafferty—Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the +hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi +touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Riley—An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.</p> + +<p>Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)—No! Oi'm savin' +oop the foine.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining +her young man.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p><p>"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.</p> + +<p>Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.</p> + +<p>"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before +morning."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRIDE</h3> + +<p>The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the +liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.</p> + +<p>"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has +electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of +little Raymond in the following story:</p> + +<p>Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen +with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.</p> + +<p>"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in +his prayer."</p> + +<p>"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her +astonishment.</p> + +<p>The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.</p> + +<p>"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRECOCIOUSNESS</h3> + +<p>A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened +the door.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p><p>"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.</p> + +<p>Little Willie answered with formal politeness:</p> + +<p>"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRISON REFORM</h3> + +<p>The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in +conditions at the State Penitentiary:</p> + +<p>"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being +indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in +the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more +pleasant and elegant."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRIVILEGE</h3> + +<p>The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy +stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of +the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside +him. The latter looked astonished.</p> + +<p>"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROCRASTINATION</h3> + +<p>The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in +accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general +utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith +shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening. +Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> lapse of half an hour, shuffled +back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:</p> + +<p>"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"</p> + +<p>The darky grinned placatingly.</p> + +<p>"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been—I'se gwine!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROFANITY</h3> + +<p>The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted +in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded +him reprovingly, as she demanded:</p> + +<p>"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"</p> + +<p>"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn +it, it's a gift."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When +he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the +floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon +dropped it with the ejaculation:</p> + +<p>"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROFITEERS</h3> + +<p>The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new +country estate.</p> + +<p>"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual +animals—horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."</p> + +<p>"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in +our position, it's quite unnecessary—er, perhaps not quite suitable, +you know."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten +the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the +following directions:</p> + +<p>"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked +the shopkeeper.</p> + +<p>"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."</p> + +<p>"But it is badly soiled."</p> + +<p>"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out +of the tree."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you +sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"</p> + +<p>Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROGRESS</h3> + +<p>The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught +him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On +his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p><p>"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible +and into the newspaper long ago."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to +teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so +that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short +absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.</p> + +<p>"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"</p> + +<p>"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and +into the newspaper long ago."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night, +without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however, +protested:</p> + +<p>"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only +a very light supper in the evening."</p> + +<p>The physician nodded, smiling complacently.</p> + +<p>"Yes, of course—that shows what great progress the science of medicine +is making."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROHIBITION</h3> + +<p>The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:</p> + +<p>"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."</p> + +<p>"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. +"How do you make that out?"</p> + +<p>"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk +indeed, and must be discharged instantly.</p> + +<p>"Discharged—nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered +off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROLIFIC</h3> + +<p>The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the +announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.</p> + +<p>"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.</p> + +<p>"Aaron," was the answer.</p> + +<p>A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little +girl regarded her in perplexity.</p> + +<p>"Aaron?" she repeated.</p> + +<p>"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.</p> + +<p>Understanding dawned on the child's face.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very +well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRONUNCIATION</h3> + +<p>The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to +one of her father's humble parishioners:</p> + +<p>"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few +weeks."</p> + +<p>"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my +old 'aunts. And strange, miss,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em +since I was a child like?"</p> + +<p>The parson's daughter was duly impressed.</p> + +<p>"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"</p> + +<p>But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:</p> + +<p>"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'—'aunts where I used to +wander in my childhood days like."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROOF</h3> + +<p><i>Shopper:</i>—"Are these eggs fresh?"</p> + +<p><i>Apprentice:</i>—"Yes, ma'am, they be."</p> + +<p><i>Shopper:</i>—"How long since they were laid?"</p> + +<p><i>Apprentice:</i>—"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am—I know, I laid them eggs +there myself."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROPERTY</h3> + +<p>The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that +had been lying by the curb three days.</p> + +<p>"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it +within a reasonable time, it's your property."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROVIDENCE</h3> + +<p>The <i>babu</i> explained with great politeness the complete failure of a +young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p><p>"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful +to the birds."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PRUDENCE</h3> + +<p>Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a +fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the +company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, +and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very +affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.</p> + +<p>"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin' +just started?"</p> + +<p>"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm +tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car, +was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a +woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.</p> + +<p>"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"</p> + +<p>"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I +wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PUNISHMENT</h3> + +<p>The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, +received this note in reply:</p> + +<p>"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> hereby give you +permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes +jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej +into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either +i'll handle him."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the +benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.</p> + +<p>"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.</p> + +<p>"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your +being in such a hurry to be spanked."</p> + +<p>"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to +ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father +had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:</p> + +<p>"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to +punish their children sometimes."</p> + +<p>The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to +explain:</p> + +<p>"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the +band!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">PUNS</h3> + +<p>"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal +Court.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p><p>"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.</p> + +<p>He was seized by an officer and hauled back.</p> + +<p>"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.</p> + +<p>"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.</p> + +<p>Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his +opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be +caught and brought back a second time.</p> + +<p>The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him +severely, in these words:</p> + +<p>"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have +been chased and refined."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in +the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors +entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited +him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:</p> + +<p>"I'm writing my autobiography."</p> + +<p>"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested +sarcastically.</p> + +<p>"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent +creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the +amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went +toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p><p>"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."</p> + +<p>The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his +head without offering any resistance.</p> + +<p>The horse was cowed.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present +at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the +uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach +him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and +said:</p> + +<p>"Call me a cab."</p> + +<p>Choate answered affably:</p> + +<p>"You're a cab, sir."</p> + +<p>The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant +had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the +diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.</p> + +<p>"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been +better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."</p> + +<h3 class="left">PUZZLE</h3> + +<p>The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the +assembly of guests in the drawing-room:</p> + +<p>"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot +walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p><p>Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked +in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The +inventor of the puzzle beamed.</p> + +<p>"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, +and legs and cannot walk."</p> + +<p>"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the +Woolworth Building?"</p> + +<p>"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."</p> + +<h3 class="left">QUARRELSOME</h3> + +<p>The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had +left her last place:</p> + +<p>"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and +the mistress was always quarreling."</p> + +<p>"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.</p> + +<p>"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it +wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."</p> + +<h3 class="left">QUESTIONS</h3> + +<p>It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself +could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a +question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the +entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and +explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug +upward.</p> + +<p>"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to +reach the bottom?"</p> + +<p>"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">RAILROAD</h3> + +<p>A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over +the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the +road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was +forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's +heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:</p> + +<p>"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"</p> + +<p>The fleeting boy screamed an answer:</p> + +<p>"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."</p> + +<h3 class="left">RECOGNITION</h3> + +<p>The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was +sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the +gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire +in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly +called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the +connection was made, he called into the transmitter:</p> + +<p>"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a +few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, +"Maria!"</p> + +<p>The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt +of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently +under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and +regarded the repair man plaintively.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p><p>"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."</p> + +<h3 class="left">REFORM</h3> + +<p>Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He +was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving +testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:</p> + +<p>"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the +Lord has done for you?"</p> + +<p>Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged +with bitterness:</p> + +<p>"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."</p> + +<h3 class="left">RELIABILITY</h3> + +<p>The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle +for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him +for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the +entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a +washerwoman.</p> + +<p>"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your +wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"</p> + +<p>"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah +wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."</p> + +<h3 class="left">REPENTANCE</h3> + +<p>"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was +well, the devil a monk was he."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">REPETITION</h3> + +<p>The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she +was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session +until she had written an original composition containing not less than +fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the +following, and was duly excused:</p> + +<p>"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, +kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, +kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, +kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, +kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."</p> + +<h3 class="left">RESIGNATION</h3> + +<p>The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man +in a tone of grave finality:</p> + +<p>"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his +recovery."</p> + +<p>This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what +violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:</p> + +<p>"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"</p> + +<p>The wife interposed in a soothing voice:</p> + +<p>"You leave it to the doctor, dearie—he knows best."</p> + +<h3 class="left">REVOLUTION</h3> + +<p>At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City +appeared a woman from one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> of the Latin-American States. She wore a +large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was +a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own +country.</p> + +<h3 class="left">REWARD OF MERIT</h3> + +<p>A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in +attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his +wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had +acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the +intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the +skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return +home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him +tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.</p> + +<p>"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't +hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."</p> + +<h3 class="left">REWARD OF VIRTUE</h3> + +<p>The little boy put a serious question to his mother:</p> + +<p>"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, +will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most +interesting story submitted ran as follows:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p><p>"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept +a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's +daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.</p> + +<p>"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he +would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he +could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the +saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a +drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'</p> + +<p>"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in +gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful +wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has +its own reward."</p> + +<h3 class="left">RULING PASSION</h3> + +<p>Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge +as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of +him—which is, of course, untrue—illustrates the point.</p> + +<p>Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.</p> + +<p>"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"</p> + +<p>The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:</p> + +<p>"<i>You</i> are astonished—<i>I</i> am surprised."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SAFETY FIRST</h3> + +<p>"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw +across the street.</p> + +<p>The man addressed blinked and shook his head.</p> + +<p>"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where +I am."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were +overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with +Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely +out of reach.</p> + +<p>"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.</p> + +<p>"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.</p> + +<p>"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you +shoot, man?"</p> + +<p>Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want +to lose my job?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained +loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on +the trip.</p> + +<p>"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who +caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly +believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those +fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites, +just so I'd be stuck."</p> + +<p>"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> sympathetically. +"How much did the supper cost you?"</p> + +<p>The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.</p> + +<p>"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have +any bait on my hook."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story +of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run +found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes +were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of +cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his +sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"</p> + +<p>But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to +his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.</p> + +<p>"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs +to me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.</p> + +<p>"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver, +but somehow it doesn't look it."</p> + +<p>"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That +service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look +at it twice."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SANITY</h3> + +<p>It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most +trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued +for divorce, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had +no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the +unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic +companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract +from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:</p> + +<p>"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage +bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable +sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of +divorce."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SARCASM</h3> + +<p>The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at +first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, +and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at +her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:</p> + +<p>"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I +laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:</p> + +<p>"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."</p> + +<p>"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.</p> + +<h3 class="left">SAVING</h3> + +<p>A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, +was advised by his master to save<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> against a rainy day. A week later, +the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it +rained yesterday, and it all went."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SCHEDULE</h3> + +<p>Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following +conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:</p> + +<p>"Is this Rome, ma?"</p> + +<p>"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"</p> + +<p>"Tuesday. What of it?"</p> + +<p>"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There +was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one +in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a +careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then, +he brightened suddenly, and said:</p> + +<p>"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train +goes at four-ten, no matter what."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SEASICKNESS</h3> + +<p>On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy +sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the +captain's table for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable +welcoming speech:</p> + +<p>"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup +appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly +of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these +twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am +responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask +that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I +believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune +that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir, +are—— Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the +fish."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement +of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting +moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in +whose arms she was clasped:</p> + +<p>"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"</p> + +<p>"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and +soul—I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"</p> + +<p>The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the +foundations of the bride's being.</p> + +<p>"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it +didn't—not a bit!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> the rail and made +libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked +sympathetically:</p> + +<p>"You have a weak stomach."</p> + +<p>The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:</p> + +<p>"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for +dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:</p> + +<p>"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"</p> + +<p>"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.</p> + +<p>"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it +over the rail for me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:</p> + +<p>"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."</p> + +<p>One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:</p> + +<p>"Especially ocean travel."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SECTARIAN</h3> + +<p>Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver +explained to the robber that his only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> passenger was a man, who was +asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I +want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.</p> + +<p>The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.</p> + +<p>"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money +worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."</p> + +<p>The robber hesitated.</p> + +<p>"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"</p> + +<p>"The Episcopal."</p> + +<p>"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver, +larrup them mules!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who +formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of +the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others +worshiped together, the answer was:</p> + +<p>"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I +could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."</p> + +<p>"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry +on your devotions together at home."</p> + +<p>"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain +doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us. +Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the +southwest."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SELF-BETRAYAL</h3> + +<p>The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise. +Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she +relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in +Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two +maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a +Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but +secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when +a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted +swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the +ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl +was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half +completed.</p> + +<p>The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at +this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:</p> + +<p>"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be +killed, sure!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SERMON</h3> + +<p>The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in +education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery +and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the +words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:</p> + +<p>"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> airly. Dis yere Sam +was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de +ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de +ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window, +an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd +jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself +will awake airly!'"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SCAPEGOAT</h3> + +<p>Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve. +Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his +boy friends in the neighborhood.</p> + +<p>"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.</p> + +<p>On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat +downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.</p> + +<p>"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.</p> + +<p>"Bully!" Johnnie answered.</p> + +<p>"And lots of fun?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes!"</p> + +<p>"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.</p> + +<p>"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our +fun with Willie."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SHEEP AND GOATS</h3> + +<p>The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the +separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to +bed, she was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was +the matter.</p> + +<p>"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a +goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"</p> + +<p>"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little +lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her +words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.</p> + +<p>But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and +when her mother appeared she wailed:</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid about the goats."</p> + +<p>"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must +never worry over being a goat."</p> + +<p>Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.</p> + +<p>"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid—awful +afraid you're a goat!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SHIFTLESSNESS</h3> + +<p>The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on +French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and +addressed his wife.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I +had been in Napoleon's place?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm +in Corsica, and let it run itself."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SHIPWRECK</h3> + +<p>The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various +stories that were told in the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>smoking room. They were good stories, and +obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone +before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate +a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a +vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He +described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his +hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where +only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard +the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.</p> + +<p>"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was +so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already +sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful +blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were +drowned."</p> + +<p>The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But +presently someone asked:</p> + +<p>"And you—what became of you?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SLANDER</h3> + +<p>The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the +pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.</p> + +<p>"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p><p>The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:</p> + +<p>"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SLAVERY</h3> + +<p>A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the +road.</p> + +<p>"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.</p> + +<p>"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.</p> + +<p>"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman +continued.</p> + +<p>But the ancient one shook his head sadly.</p> + +<p>"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I +didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war—I done got married!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SMELLS</h3> + +<p>An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time +of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The +question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. +The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat +was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived, +and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought +into the tent. The goat fainted.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SOCIAL UPLIFT</h3> + +<p>The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her +call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The +unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.</p> + +<p>"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself, +I've got no time to go slummin'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from the slums +at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and +intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child +to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:</p> + +<p>"How many children have you?"</p> + +<p>"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.</p> + +<p>"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be +very careful to keep them clean."</p> + +<p>"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.</p> + +<p>"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.</p> + +<p>"Well, no," the hostess admitted.</p> + +<p>"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."</p> + +<p>"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.</p> + +<p>"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a +lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SPANKING</h3> + +<p>Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a +minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss +Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she +could spank him no more for physical fatigue.</p> + +<p>"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.</p> + +<p>Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying +an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.</p> + +<p>"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.</p> + +<p>"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.</p> + +<p>"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the +youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This +duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:</p> + +<p>"And now what have you to say?"</p> + +<p>"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the +scissors!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPEED</h3> + +<p>In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class +concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this +statement:</p> + +<p>"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to +write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been +proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> We +have had students who have written it in that length of time."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had +been traveling in the South.</p> + +<p>"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"</p> + +<p>"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPELLING</h3> + +<p>Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took +an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he +was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of +the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any +particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he +could understand, the answer was:</p> + +<p>"This here are Swum-swum Crick."</p> + +<p>"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.</p> + +<p>In the repetition, the words sounded like:</p> + +<p>"This here are Swoovel Crick."</p> + +<p>The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name +of the Creek was spelled.</p> + +<p>The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then +spoke judicially:</p> + +<p>"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my +jedgmint thar are no propeer way."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man +started his reply thus:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p><p>"<i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double <i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double——"</p> + +<p>The clerk interrupted:</p> + +<p>"Please, begin again."</p> + +<p>The witness complied glibly:</p> + +<p>"<i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double <i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double +<i>o</i>——"</p> + +<p>The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"</p> + +<p>"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: <i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double +<i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double <i>o</i>, <i>d</i>."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPINSTERHOOD</h3> + +<p>The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to +question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching +middle age.</p> + +<p>"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think +I'll ever get married."</p> + +<p>A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt +philosophical consolation:</p> + +<p>"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they +quits strugglin'."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPITE</h3> + +<p>The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, +with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.</p> + +<p>"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. +She died the other day."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p><p>A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.</p> + +<p>"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.</p> + +<p>"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."</p> + +<p>"What! So soon after burying your wife?"</p> + +<p>The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPORTSMANSHIP</h3> + +<p>In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last +he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, +and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:</p> + +<p>"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"</p> + +<p>"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SPRING</h3> + +<p>The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the +new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and +flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she +called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked +one little boy about spring.</p> + +<p>"What do we find in the spring, George?"</p> + +<p>George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he +at last said:</p> + +<p>"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> snake, an' a dead cat, +but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."</p> + +<h3 class="left">STAMMERING</h3> + +<p>On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who +desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at +last the doctor appeared in the doorway.</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it—a boy or a girl?"</p> + +<p>"Tr-tr-tr—" the physician began stammeringly.</p> + +<p>Peedle paled.</p> + +<p>"Triplets! Merciful providence!"</p> + +<p>"Qu-qu-qu—" spluttered the doctor.</p> + +<p>Peedle paled some more.</p> + +<p>"Quadruplets!" he moaned.</p> + +<p>"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to +take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."</p> + +<h3 class="left">STYLE</h3> + +<p>Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally +devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one +bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never +seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:</p> + +<p>"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."</p> + +<p>"Self-starter?"</p> + +<p>"You bet!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SUNDAY SCHOOL</h3> + +<p>The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded +pair.</p> + +<p>"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you +send your children?"</p> + +<p>When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, +she continued brightly:</p> + +<p>"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.</p> + +<p>"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated +the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and +spoke with increased severity:</p> + +<p>"Children, I must know who made the world!"</p> + +<p>Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:</p> + +<p>"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUPERMAN</h3> + +<p>It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room +once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It +chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study +upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly +involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:</p> + +<p>"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Gladstone beamed.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p><p>"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us +all about it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUPERSTITION</h3> + +<p>The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse +Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.</p> + +<p>"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a +red-headed girl in sight."</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUSPENSE</h3> + +<p>The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:</p> + +<p>"Adored of my soul:—If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage +to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white +rose."</p> + +<p>She wore a yellow rose.</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUSPICION</h3> + +<p>The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during +their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.</p> + +<p>"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter +of public policy."</p> + +<p>"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I +am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3> + +<p>A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the +housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and +began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the +door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was +doing there.</p> + +<p>The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his +stomach as he explained:</p> + +<p>"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take +to eatin' grass."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right +into the back yard—the grass there is longer."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TACT</h3> + +<p>The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a +woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality +of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.</p> + +<p>"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his +voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."</p> + +<p>His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" she demanded.</p> + +<p>The senator explained suavely:</p> + +<p>"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here +are to be found in one."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">TALKING MACHINE</h3> + +<p>Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved +to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news +item of a country paper:</p> + +<p>"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding +her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of +tongues."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TAR AND FEATHERS</h3> + +<p>The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with +one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the +other.</p> + +<p>"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon +came down."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TASTE</h3> + +<p>A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. +On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question +was:</p> + +<p>"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice—once when it went +down, and once when it came up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the +cow.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good +part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest +violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady +offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, +the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her +husband.</p> + +<p>"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we +poisoned for the rats?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">TEARS</h3> + +<p>The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and +she offered as a convincing argument:</p> + +<p>"You know it makes little girls homely."</p> + +<p>The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then +remarked:</p> + +<p>"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TENDER MEMORIES</h3> + +<p>"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where +shingles were first used?"</p> + +<p>"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd +rather not."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TERMINOLOGY</h3> + +<p>When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler +coached carefully the new boy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> who was to carry up the jug of hot water +for shaving in the morning.</p> + +<p>"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' +then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"</p> + +<p>The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but +in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:</p> + +<p>"It's the Lord, my boy!"</p> + +<p>The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's +consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. +Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to +assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the +bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the +dish to the prelate, and faltered:</p> + +<p>"My God, will you have some cheese?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did +not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:</p> + +<p>"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"</p> + +<p>"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', +sor, it's likely they're in the wash."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TESTIMONY</h3> + +<p>Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law +suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p><p>"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my +witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and +looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.</p> + +<p>"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'</p> + +<p>"'They are,' I replied.</p> + +<p>"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the +patent medicine:</p> + +<p>"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After +taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my +husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man +from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the +homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.</p> + +<p>"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he +had been told:</p> + +<p>"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized +country to come and live in this lonesomeness."</p> + +<p>"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like +it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling +things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no +better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> I jest pulled out and went +right away from them scandalous folks."</p> + +<p>"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I +wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove +what they said."</p> + +<p>The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:</p> + +<p>"That's jest the trouble—they did prove it!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">THREAT</h3> + +<p>The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed +her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as +the ogre approached forceps in hand:</p> + +<p>"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."</p> + +<h3 class="left">THRIFT</h3> + +<p>A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:</p> + +<p>"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."</p> + +<p>"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near—veera near—doin' it, but the +bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I +was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval +as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.</p> + +<p>"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, +and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">TIME FLIES</h3> + +<p>The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours—first nine, then ten, +then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth +passionately:</p> + +<p>"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"</p> + +<p>"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TIT FOR TAT</h3> + +<p>The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a +pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly +distressed, and reproached the farmer.</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just +beat him off, without killing him?"</p> + +<p>"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the +other end."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOBACCO</h3> + +<p>The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling +painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:</p> + +<p>"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins—ninety-eight year old!" The +visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable +citizens attributed their long life.</p> + +<p>"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah +declares its all along o' his chewin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in +an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has +his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOILETTE DETAILS</h3> + +<p>The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette +preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her +most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.</p> + +<p>"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.</p> + +<p>"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. +"I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TONGUE</h3> + +<p>An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a +nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. +As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands +worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took +occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the +sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and +suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size +fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her +exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work +her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the +shorn remnants to the minister.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p><p>"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."</p> + +<p>"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"</p> + +<p>"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is +a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I +should like to see it shorter."</p> + +<p>"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? +See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."</p> + +<p>"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."</p> + +<h3 class="left">TREACHERY</h3> + +<p>The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. +He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after +sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, +the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs +carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the +log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his +feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were +buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's +trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek +over his shoulder:</p> + +<p>"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">TREASURE TROVE</h3> + +<p>An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, +almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt +himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, +where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's +entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.</p> + +<p>"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"</p> + +<p>The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his +toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:</p> + +<p>"An' a great git you got!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">TRIAL</h3> + +<p>The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The +prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:</p> + +<p>"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"</p> + +<p>The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he +said:</p> + +<p>"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in +dis-yere trial?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">TRIPLETS</h3> + +<p>When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered +out of the house, celebrated the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> occasion with many friends in a number +of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in +the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid +some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared +reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his +group of children, spoke earnestly:</p> + +<p>"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at +twelve!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">TRUTH-TELLERS</h3> + +<p>The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women +are liars, for <i>Punch</i> records the following as the dialogue between her +and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, +never go to heaven."</p> + +<p><i>Kitty:</i> "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "No, dear—never."</p> + +<p><i>Kitty:</i> "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George +Washington?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR</h3> + +<p>The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read +the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent +enough, for his concluding sentence was:</p> + +<p>"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p><p>But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed +by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:</p> + +<p>"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:</p> + +<p>"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."</p> + +<p>The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was +published, this line read:</p> + +<p>"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:</p> + +<p>"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to +perfection."</p> + +<p>The compositor, in his haste, read an <i>n</i> for the <i>r</i> in the word +<i>parts</i>, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, +duly appeared in the morning paper.</p> + +<h3 class="left">VALUES</h3> + +<p>An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady +Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the +wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved +widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his +grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by +his terse optimistic comment:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p><p>"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."</p> + +<p>Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.</p> + +<h3 class="left">VANITY</h3> + +<p>The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved +by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly +given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she +had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking +herself beautiful.</p> + +<p>"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.</p> + +<p>"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be +mistaken is not to sin."</p> + +<h3 class="left">VICTORY</h3> + +<p>That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the +centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. +When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the +museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of +victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.</p> + +<p>"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other +fellow."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WAR</h3> + +<p>A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three +revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an +American spinster and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> her two nieces. The girls are pretty and +charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though +evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the +property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of +fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the +ranch.</p> + +<p>The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their +misery they were unselfish.</p> + +<p>"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must, +we bow to our cruel fate. But please—oh, please—spare our dear auntie. +Do not marry her."</p> + +<p>At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:</p> + +<p>"Now, now, you girls—you mind your own business. War is war."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking +up from his book.</p> + +<p>"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and +Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."</p> + +<p>"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the +Austrians—"</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I +know?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not—you are all wrong. It was because—"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because—"</p> + +<p>"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled—"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span></p><p>"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."</p> + +<p>"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."</p> + +<p>"Don't you dare, you impudent—"</p> + +<p>"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how +wars begin."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before +setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. +The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:</p> + +<p>"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old +trenches!"</p> + +<p>"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.</p> + +<p>"And you'll kiss my picture every night."</p> + +<p>"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder +of the new uniform coat.</p> + +<p>"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.</p> + +<p>"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any +spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."</p> + +<p>After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went +away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten +separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and +sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was +all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.</p> + +<p>"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> fighting to do over +there—for I'm going to be awfully busy."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WEATHER</h3> + +<p>The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for +addressing the judge:</p> + +<p>"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"</p> + +<p>And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news +in particular.</p> + +<p>But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:</p> + +<p>"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his +head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue +of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:</p> + +<p>"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHALES</h3> + +<p>At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for +burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.</p> + +<p>"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHISKERS</h3> + +<p>An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days +at a convention of his political<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> party. (This was antedating the era of +prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the +nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too +common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other +things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the +three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it +encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a +realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a +shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a +mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed +hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face +with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned +and muttered:</p> + +<p>"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">WIDOW</h3> + +<p>One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she +had just attended:</p> + +<p>"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the +altar, every light in the church went out."</p> + +<p>The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.</p> + +<p>"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.</p> + +<p>"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>satisfactorily produced +the deceased husband for a domestic chat.</p> + +<p>"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"</p> + +<p>"I am very happy," the spook assured her.</p> + +<p>"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly +impressed.</p> + +<p>"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with +you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in +heaven?"</p> + +<p>"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"</p> + +<h3 class="left">WIDOWHOOD</h3> + +<p>During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the +crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a +nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as +to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in +the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, +quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.</p> + +<p>"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried +two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WIFE</h3> + +<p>A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with +the question:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p><p>"Who was Cain's wife?"</p> + +<p>The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:</p> + +<p>"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of +warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much +inquiring after other men's wives."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WILD WOMEN</h3> + +<p>The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife +had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering +him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his +patience, he began.</p> + +<p>"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came +across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."</p> + +<p>"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they +couldn't talk."</p> + +<p>"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WISDOM</h3> + +<p>It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man +mashes his thumb.</p> + +<h3 class="left">WOMAN</h3> + +<p>A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, +asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived +in the eighteenth century:</p> + +<p>"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib +on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of +critter'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School +concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:</p> + +<p>"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He +made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to +him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took +out his brains, and made a woman of them."</p> + +<h3 class="left">WOMAN SUFFRAGE</h3> + +<p>During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate +pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:</p> + +<p>"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting +place, and there cast your vote along with his?"</p> + +<p>The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:</p> + +<p>"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do +by himself, let him do it."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous" id="The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous"></a>The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor</h2> + +<h3>+ A. C.</h3> + +<hr class="smler" /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL</h3> + +<p><i>Oldest Inhabitant:</i> "I never expected to live till the end of the War, +Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next +one."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"That's Betty Grant's new maid."</p> + +<p>"She's much smarter than her mistress."</p> + +<p>"Well, they can't <i>both</i> afford to dress like that."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Father:</i> "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for +years!"</p> + +<p><i>Hopeful:</i> "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Betty</i> (<i>after flash of lightning</i>): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as +far away as you possibly can."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Employer:</i> "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."</p> + +<p><i>Boy:</i> "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Oh, Jane, how <i>did</i> you break that vase?"</p> + +<p><i>Maid:</i> "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>in foreground</i>): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom +<i>must</i> come to his wedding."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mistress:</i> "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p><p><i>Cook:</i> "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Raw Hand</i> (<i>at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green +lights</i>): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."</p> + +<p><i>Officer:</i> "Well, what is it?"</p> + +<p><i>R. H.:</i> "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Can you play bridge to-night?"</p> + +<p>"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."</p> + +<p>"What—do you like the stuff?"</p> + +<p>"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very +much better than it sounds."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Master:</i> "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. +Surely, you've heard me again and again say '<i>pneu</i>monia'?"</p> + +<p><i>Man:</i> "Well, Sir, I <i>'ave</i>; but I didn't like to correct you."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Successful Poultry Farmer:</i> "You'd be surprised what a difference these +incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every +week."</p> + +<p><i>Champion Dog Breeder:</i> "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find +names for them all?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow</i>): "I +hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Oh, Mary, why <i>do</i> you wipe your mouth with the back of your +hand?"</p> + +<p><i>Mary:</i> "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to child who has been naughty</i>): "Aren't you rather ashamed +of yourself?"</p> + +<p><i>Child:</i> "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I +am."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A CONSOLING THOUGHT</h3> + +<p><i>Belated Traveller</i> (<i>surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the +station</i>): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES</h3> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Why, what's the matter, darling?"</p> + +<p><i>Small daughter</i> (<i>tearfully</i>): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this +worm to my hen."</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Then why don't you?"</p> + +<p><i>Small daughter</i> (<i>with renewed wails</i>): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm +won't like it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Does God make lions, Mother?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear."</p> + +<p>"But isn't he frightened to?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a +handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones</i> (<i>who is gazing at an aeroplane</i>): "My word! +I shouldn't care for one of <i>them</i> flying things to settle on me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Woman:</i> "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a +picture of a girl with them on."</p> + +<p><i>The Man:</i> "What appalling rot! Er—after you with the paper."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Invalid</i> (<i>to visitor</i>): "I've had a lot of diseases in my +time—measles—whooping-cough—influenza—tonsilitis—but (<i>modestly</i>) I +haven't had dropsy yet."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE SERVANT PROBLEM</h3> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "And why did your last mistress——"</p> + +<p><i>Applicant</i> (<i>loftily</i>): "Excuse me, Madam!"</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well—er—your last employer——"</p> + +<p><i>Applicant:</i> "I beg your pardon, Madam!"</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well, then, your last—er—pray what do you call those in whose +service you are engaged?"</p> + +<p><i>Applicant:</i> "Clients, Madam."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Girl:</i> "I wonder how old Joan is?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "I bet she won't see four again."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"</p> + +<p><i>Mary</i> (<i>demurely</i>): "Yes, Mummy."</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "And did you enjoy it?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p><p><i>Mary:</i> "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (<i>very demurely</i>) <i>I struggled</i>."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."</p> + +<p>"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Applicant for Situation:</i> "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR</h3> + +<p>"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner +and—she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"</p> + +<p>"Well, usually in a sweater."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>walking round links with his father</i>): "Daddy, here's a +ball for you."</p> + +<p><i>Father:</i> "Where did you get that from?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "It's a lost ball, Daddy."</p> + +<p><i>Father:</i> "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>toying with dull blanc-mange</i>): "Please may I have an ice +instead of finishing this—'cos I feel sick?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p> + +<h3 class="left">THE NEW APPRECIATION</h3> + +<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her +husband down</i>): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I +wonder who he is?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."</p> + +<p><i>Author</i> (<i>delighted</i>): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>inspecting a very inflated bill for work</i>): "Look here—how +did you get at this amount?"</p> + +<p><i>Odd Jobs Man:</i> "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it +up, so I just charged by time."</p> + +<p><i>Employer:</i> "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by +eternity."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Tourist:</i> "Have you any cold meat?"</p> + +<p><i>Waiter:</i> "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch +to-day?"</p> + +<p><i>Cook:</i> "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. +You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so +red."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>on being told by cousin that she is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span>engaged to be +married</i>): "Oh! (<i>long pause</i>) and what did your husband say when he +engaged you?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Master:</i> "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"</p> + +<p><i>Butler:</i> "Well, Sir, <i>I don't want my name to die out</i>."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>in desperation</i>): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my +exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."</p> + +<p><i>The Visitor:</i> "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the +price of the catalogue?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"</p> + +<p>"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't +like her most."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his +compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would +you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath +stops overflowing through his ceiling?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>interrogating her chauffeur's small boy</i>): "Well, my little +man, and do you know who I am?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's +car."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Parent:</i> "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not +always 'fair.'"</p> + +<p><i>Young Hopeful:</i> "I daresay you would, Dad. But,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> you see, I'm an +ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Optimist:</i> "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."</p> + +<p><i>Pessimist:</i> "No, but they seem so."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">OUR MODERN INFANT</h3> + +<p><i>Genial Uncle:</i> "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a +long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you +up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>to Bride at wedding reception</i>): "You don't look nearly +as tired as I should have thought."</p> + +<p><i>Bride:</i> "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl:</i> "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running +after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A SUBTLE DISTINCTION</h3> + +<p>"I say—come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."</p> + +<p>"Thanks—but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, +you know."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Specialist</i> (<i>to patient suffering from insomnia</i>):<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> "And did you try +my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"</p> + +<p><i>Patient:</i> "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and +thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Neighbor</i> (<i>bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast</i>): "You're wanted +at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off +yer income-tax."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Joan</i> (<i>whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves</i>): +"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my +sweets so hairy."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to applicant for situation as cook</i>): "Have you been accustomed +to have a kitchen-maid under you?"</p> + +<p><i>Cook:</i> "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I +have had colleagues."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Father:</i> "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning +about your fight with his boy yesterday."</p> + +<p><i>Son:</i> "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>): "I did this last summer. It really isn't +much good."</p> + +<p><i>Candid Friend:</i> "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLUE BLOOD</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Profiteer:</i> "Is this a pedigree dog?"</p> + +<p><i>Dealer:</i> "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal +could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Bridesmaid</i> (<i>loudly, in middle of ceremony</i>): "Mummie, are we +all getting married?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Small Girl:</i> "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."</p> + +<p><i>Smaller Girl</i> (<i>with air of superiority</i>): "<i>My</i> mummy was married +<i>years</i> ago."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"</p> + +<p>"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more +yer does a bit o' work for it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Office Boy</i> (<i>anxious to go to football match</i>): "May I have the +afternoon off, Sir? My grand——"</p> + +<p><i>Employer:</i> "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last +week."</p> + +<p><i>Office Boy:</i> "Yes, Sir; but—my grandfather's getting married again +this afternoon."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Minister's Wife:</i> "My husband was asking only this morning why you +weren't in the habit of attending church."</p> + +<p><i>Latest Inhabitant:</i> "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's +Sundays."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Two mistakes here, waiter—one in your favor, one in mine."</p> + +<p>"In <i>your</i> favor, Sir? Where?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."</p> + +<p><i>Cook:</i> "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near +broke me jaw already."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Gushing Lady:</i> "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest +fellow too."</p> + +<p><i>Cynic:</i> "Bigamist!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel +very bad, dear?"</p> + +<p><i>Augustus:</i> "Thank you—I'm only dying."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>New Butler:</i> "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"</p> + +<p><i>Profiteer:</i> "What time do the best people dine?"</p> + +<p><i>New Butler:</i> "At different times, Sir."</p> + +<p><i>Profiteer:</i> "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Fond Mamma:</i> "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear +father with quite the proper respect."</p> + +<p><i>Young Hopeful</i>; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Playful Hostess:</i> "Couldn't you manage one more <i>éclair?</i>"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p><p><i>Serious Little Boy:</i> "No, fanks, I've no more room."</p> + +<p><i>Playful Hostess:</i> "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would +that help?"</p> + +<p><i>Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):</i> "No, fanks, that would make +the space at the wrong end."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Vicar's Wife:</i> "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"</p> + +<p><i>Ethel:</i> "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for +his birthday."</p> + +<p><i>Vicar's Wife:</i> "Oh—and what are you writing in it?"</p> + +<p><i>Ethel:</i> "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's +friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the +author's compliments.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE OBSTACLE</h3> + +<p><i>George:</i> "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it +hadn't been for something she said."</p> + +<p><i>Fred:</i> "What did she say?"</p> + +<p><i>George:</i> "No!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHANGING THE SUBJECT</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk +about myself all evening."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Very well, then! Suppose <i>you</i> talk about me for a while."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you +mind taking a cheque for the tip?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A CHANCE LOST</h3> + +<p>"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"</p> + +<p>"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument +if he had said <i>which</i> one."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an +actress."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful +extempore sermons he preaches."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DURING THE QUARREL</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> "But if you will allow me to——"</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken +and I can prove it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CONDITIONAL</h3> + +<p><i>Eloping Bride:</i> "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say +when he gets our letter."</p> + +<p><i>Bridegroom:</i> "It can't make any difference to our happiness, +darling—so long as he doesn't <i>do</i> it when we get back."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">JUST IGNORANCE</h3> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give +their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know +anything about <i>love</i>?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ALL IN ONE BREATH</h3> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I +spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and +a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the +way, what are <i>you</i> going to buy him?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER</h3> + +<p>"Mamma!"</p> + +<p>"What is it, dear?"</p> + +<p>"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know +the answer to."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">FEMININITY</h3> + +<p><i>Julia:</i> "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she +has absolutely nothing to wish for."</p> + +<p><i>Gertrude:</i> "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GETTING EVEN</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Lynks:</i> "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every +time you swear."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Lynks:</i> "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time +you envy me for being able to."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A SOOTHING EFFECT</h3> + +<p>"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"</p> + +<p>"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">IN THAT CASE</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, +cold water."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "I guess I have never been really thirsty."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A QUALIFIED STATEMENT</h3> + +<p>"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one +be here?"</p> + +<p>"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and +they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and +the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Count:</i> "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one +hundred thousand dollaire."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p><p><i>The Millionaire:</i> "But I thought you were a bankrupt."</p> + +<p><i>The Count:</i> "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch <i>to you</i>."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"</p> + +<p>"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs</i>): +"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl:</i> "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is +short, isn't he?"</p> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>absently</i>): "Yes, usually."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Urchin</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"</p> + +<p><i>Neighbor:</i> "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht +overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HIS SPHERE</h3> + +<p>"His versatility is something extraordinary."</p> + +<p>"I had an idea he was rather stupid."</p> + +<p>"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds +of a fool of himself."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Poetic Bridegroom:</i> "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, +and listening to the wash of the ocean."</p> + +<p><i>Practical Bride:</i> "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our +laundry bill yet."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A LOVERS' QUARREL</h3> + +<p><i>George:</i> "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"</p> + +<p><i>Kate:</i> "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what +they quarreled about."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY</h3> + +<p><i>Elsie:</i> "When is my birthday, Mother?"</p> + +<p><i>Her Mother:</i> "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."</p> + +<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, +where would I have been?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GETTING RECKLESS</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time +with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know +better."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Aren't you afraid she is <i>too old</i> to know better?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different +from other girls."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">RETROACTIVE</h3> + +<p>"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."</p> + +<p>"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating +myself."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Pupil:</i> "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"</p> + +<p><i>Teacher:</i> "No—you're not."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">APOLOGIZING</h3> + +<p>"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"</p> + +<p>"Yes! I am."</p> + +<p>"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about +you."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DENIED THE PRIVILEGE</h3> + +<p><i>The Child:</i> "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"</p> + +<p><i>The Mother:</i> "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."</p> + +<p><i>The Child:</i> "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A GOOD PLAN</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can +we give them?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p><p>"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN</h3> + +<p><i>First Voter:</i> "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of +course?"</p> + +<p><i>Second Voter:</i> "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones +supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">FAMILIARITY, ETC.</h3> + +<p>"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except +intimate friends."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REASSURING</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years +without knowing love when I feel it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOW IT HAPPENED</h3> + +<p>"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met +until a week ago."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p><p>"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught +in a thunder storm."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A LINGUIST</h3> + +<p>"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."</p> + +<p>"In what way?"</p> + +<p>"She can keep silence in four different languages."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE DIFFERENCE</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "I'm so glad we're engaged."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE ROAD TO——, ETC.</h3> + +<p>"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in +my good resolutions."</p> + +<p>"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next +world."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CLASSIFIED</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Bargain:</i> "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the +money for a new hat."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Bargain:</i> "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A SOLUTION</h3> + +<p><i>The Mistress:</i> "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would +have returned them unopened."</p> + +<p><i>The Maid:</i> "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist +back unopened?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ENCOURAGING</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of +hope before I leave you forever?"</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Er—that clock is half an hour fast."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">AN ALIAS</h3> + +<p><i>Miss Hen:</i> "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was +plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as +'Chanticleer'!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to prospective daily housemaid</i>): "The hours will be from nine +to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."</p> + +<p><i>D. H.:</i> "For <i>luncheon</i>, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave +at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CHANGING PLACES</h3> + +<p>"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p><p>"She has evidently reversed the order of things."</p> + +<p>"How so?"</p> + +<p>"<i>She</i> does the dictating now."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ECONOMY</h3> + +<p><i>Young Husband:</i> "I see that sugar has gone down two points."</p> + +<p><i>Young Wife:</i> "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Best Man</i> (<i>seeing couple off on honeymoon</i>): "Here you are—just a few +magazines to help pass away the time."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the +cakes</i>): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, +John?"</p> + +<p><i>John:</i> "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Househunter:</i> "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. +The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Househunter:</i> "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither +very wide nor very high."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">QUALIFIED</h3> + +<p><i>The Leading Woman:</i> "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"</p> + +<p><i>The Comedian:</i> "He doesn't—he is."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE</h3> + +<p><i>Chimmie:</i> "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight—me cousin used ter go ter +school wid'm."</p> + +<p><i>Billie:</i> "Dat ain't nuthin'—me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked +out by'm onct."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">FROM THE HEART</h3> + +<p><i>The Wife:</i> "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of +the weather."</p> + +<p><i>The Husband:</i> "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the +fashion will have changed."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Reporter:</i> "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me +what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"</p> + +<p><i>Sledge-hammer Mike:</i> "De solar plexus."</p> + +<p><i>The Reporter:</i> "And er—if you get beaten, what will your—er—weak +spot have been?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">AN ARGUMENT</h3> + +<p>"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."</p> + +<p>"Why do you say so?"</p> + +<p>"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who +are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE SECRET</h3> + +<p><i>The Man of Theory:</i> "The great secret of happiness lies in being +content with one's lot."</p> + +<p><i>The Man of Practice:</i> "But it has to be a whole lot."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WANTS HER RIGHTS</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest +teacher."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "And there is no holding back her salary, either."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be +useful?"</p> + +<p>"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's +maid—not a useful maid."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GETTING BACK</h3> + +<p><i>Customer to Palmist:</i> "Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any +objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to +me?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Betty:</i> "Mummy, does God send us our food?"</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Yes, dear; of course He does."</p> + +<p><i>Betty:</i> "But what a price!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DURING VACATION</h3> + +<p><i>The Summer Girl:</i> "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really +cannot become engaged to you."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span></p><p><i>The Summer Man:</i> "Well—er—could you manage to be a sister to me for a +couple of weeks?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT UNIQUE</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same +thing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A NOBLE AIM</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and +everybody except the members."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ONCE TOO OFTEN</h3> + +<p>"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with +an old comrade in arms."</p> + +<p>"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."</p> + +<p>"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut +appears he thought worse av me."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3> + +<p>"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may +have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"</p> + +<p>"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3> + +<p><i>Freddie</i> (<i>aged six</i>): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me +for my birfday?"</p> + +<p><i>His Mother:</i> "Yes, dear! What of it?"</p> + +<p><i>Freddie:</i> "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the +drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SLIGHTED</h3> + +<p>"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready +to be friends again."</p> + +<p>"<i>Misunderstanding</i>, indeed! If you had any <i>feeling</i> you'd call it a +quarrel."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GOING FURTHER</h3> + +<p><i>Flora:</i> "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you +I'd get even with her."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span></p><p><i>Dora:</i> "Getting even with her won't satisfy <i>me</i>. <i>I'm</i> going to get +<i>uneven</i> with her."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GETTING ON</h3> + +<p><i>Old Gentleman:</i> "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"</p> + +<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to +knock spots out of Willie Jones."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">LITERALLY</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">AN EXTENSIVE LOVE</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she +is."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3> + +<p>"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."</p> + +<p>"Sour grapes always <i>did</i> have that effect."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NO DISSENSION</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Storme:</i> "How is your Debating Society getting along?"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Karn:</i> "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree +beautifully."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Why are they not speaking?"</p> + +<p>"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."</p> + +<p>"Well!"</p> + +<p>"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">IN KEEPING</h3> + +<p>"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good +housekeeper."</p> + +<p>"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HE KNEW</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. +and Mrs. Rigby."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as <i>she</i> likes."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ARRANGED TO FIT</h3> + +<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' +eat it all up."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p><p><i>Mother:</i> "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."</p> + +<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">PROBABLY</h3> + +<p>"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you +suggest?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SURE SIGNS</h3> + +<p>"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"</p> + +<p>"Twins."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUCH A WASTE</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Bizzy:</i> "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing +the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"</p> + +<p><i>Casey:</i> "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. +'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO ONE-SIDED</h3> + +<p>"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and +forget."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p><p>"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always +forgetting."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DISCRETION</h3> + +<p><i>Miss Bizzy:</i> "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope +that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."</p> + +<p><i>O'Brien:</i> "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know +about them."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BETTER UNSAID</h3> + +<p><i>Cholly Lyttlebrayne:</i> "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me +over a thousand dollars."</p> + +<p><i>Miss Thotless:</i> "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">LETTING HIM KNOW</h3> + +<p><i>Flora:</i> "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my +last letter."</p> + +<p><i>Dora:</i> "What did you say in your last letter?"</p> + +<p><i>Flora:</i> "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHY, INDEED</h3> + +<p><i>The Husband:</i> "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two +seconds'?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p><p><i>The Wife:</i> "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! <i>I'm</i> ready +<i>now</i>'?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Madge:</i> "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"</p> + +<p><i>Mabel:</i> "Not yet—but I have given him my final 'No.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ONLY THEIR WAY</h3> + +<p><i>First Lady</i> (<i>effusively</i>): "I am <i>more</i> than <i>charmed</i> to see you, my +<i>dear</i> Mrs.—er—um—."</p> + +<p><i>Second Lady</i> (<i>more effusively</i>): "How <i>lovely</i> of you! So am I +<i>delighted</i>. I <i>do</i> hope we'll meet again <i>very</i>, <span class="smcap">very</span> soon, my +<i>dearest</i> Mrs.—um—er—."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">INADVERTENT</h3> + +<p><i>Prospective Bride:</i> "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling +dress—a wedding dress costs such a lot."</p> + +<p><i>Dressmaker:</i> "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it +would be out of fashion."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MAKING SURE</h3> + +<p>"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his +parents."</p> + +<p>"I thought he had dozens of your photos."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MORE DESPERATE STILL</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot +believe in love in a cottage."</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat +and all improvements."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3> + +<p><i>The Tabby-Cat:</i> "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest +kittens, and they went and gave one away!"</p> + +<p><i>The Parrot:</i> "Wasn't it too bad of them—to go and break the set?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">POPULAR OPINION</h3> + +<p><i>First Burglar:</i> "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' +dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"</p> + +<p><i>Second Burglar:</i> "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MORE OPPORTUNITY</h3> + +<p><i>The Wife:</i> "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, +Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."</p> + +<p><i>The Husband:</i> "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying +with."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."</p> + +<p>"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Ant:</i> "Well, we've struck!"</p> + +<p><i>The Gnat:</i> "What for?"</p> + +<p><i>The Ant:</i> "Longer hours."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Effie:</i> "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. +Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Mitcham:</i> "How did you do that, my dear?"</p> + +<p><i>Effie:</i> "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the +other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's +all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the +room!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT WHAT SHE MEANT</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance +of their becoming reconciled?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Oh, they seem to be <i>quite</i> reconciled."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion +when I made such an awful ass of myself?"</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Which?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who is of an inquiring mind</i>): "Ain't you getting <i>tired</i> of +hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p><p><i>Miss Belsize</i> (<i>a professional beauty</i>): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of +hearing people say, 'Is <i>that</i> the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Montague Smart</i> (<i>suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened +his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago</i>): "And +now let us talk of something else!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mamma:</i> "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"</p> + +<p><i>Fair Debutante</i> (<i>who has a fine healthy appetite</i>): "Oh, yes, +Mamma—several people!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Guest:</i> "Well, good-bye, Old Man!—and you've really got a very nice +little place here!"</p> + +<p><i>Host:</i> "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have +grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to +the prettiest girl in the room!"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "But I don't <i>want</i> to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. +I want to dance with <i>you</i>!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One +word more and I—I withdraw my overdraft."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>at upper window</i>): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"</p> + +<p>"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p><p>"Well—you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Motor-Launch Officer</i> (<i>who has rung for full-speed without result</i>): +"What's the matter?"</p> + +<p><i>Voice-from below:</i> "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."</p> + +<p><i>Commander:</i> "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing—we want to get +on."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"</p> + +<p><i>Daughter:</i> "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. +He's looking after him just now."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">JUSTIFICATION</h3> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "<i>Two</i> bottles of ginger ale, dear?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our +wedding-day?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>First Flapper:</i> "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I +hadn't paid any fare."</p> + +<p><i>Second Flapper:</i> "And what did you do?"</p> + +<p><i>First Flapper:</i> "I just glared back at him—as if I had!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mollie</i> (<i>who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"</i>): "Oh, +Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack—<i>anywhere you +like</i>."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span></p><p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog</i>): "And if +you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of +pain?—and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary +patient."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Governess:</i> "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"</p> + +<p><i>Mollie:</i> "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."</p> + +<p><i>Governess:</i> "And what are little boys made of?"</p> + +<p><i>Mollie:</i> "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that +yesterday, and he could <i>hardly</i> believe it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"</p> + +<p>"Of course. Why ask?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Irate Parent:</i> "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter +good-night, did it ever dawn upon you—"</p> + +<p><i>The Suitor:</i> "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so +absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his +stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! +Who is it speaking?'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Goodheart:</i> "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with +your cast-off clothing?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p><p><i>Mr. Hardup:</i> "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them +on again in the morning."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you +lost?"</p> + +<p>"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to +know where father and mother have wandered to."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Helen's elder sister:</i> "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."</p> + +<p><i>Helen:</i> "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one—it would be so horrid +when it twinkled."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"</p> + +<p>"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"Yus—if she don't get it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Child:</i> "Mother, I <i>have</i> been good to-day—so patient with Nurse."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils +listened with respectful attention until he came to his final +instruction.</p> + +<p>"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain +cool."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of +buying for yourself."</p> + +<p><i>Husband</i> (<i>as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks</i>): "Yes, +dear, and you have succeeded."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Podger</i> (<i>to new acquaintance</i>): "I wonder if that fat old girl is +really trying to flirt with me?"</p> + +<p><i>Cooler:</i> "I can easily find out by asking her—she is my wife."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Young Husband:</i> "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong +with this cake."</p> + +<p><i>The Bride</i> (<i>smiling triumphantly</i>): "That shows what you know about +it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>referring to guest</i>): "He's a most attractive man; is he +married?"</p> + +<p><i>Husband:</i> "I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to +himself!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Questioning a class, an inspector asked:</p> + +<p>"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be +right?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"And why not?"</p> + +<p>"Please, sir, because you wasn't."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Salesman:</i> "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is +fool-proof."</p> + +<p><i>Sweet Thing</i> (<i>placidly</i>): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you +don't know my husband."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Stage Manager:</i> "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."</p> + +<p><i>The New Hand:</i> "Wot yer talkin' about—'run up the curtain'—think I'm +a bloomin' squirrel?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Old Gentleman</i> (<i>to new gardener</i>): "Why do you always pull your barrow +instead of pushing it?"</p> + +<p><i>The Gardener:</i> "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."</p> + +<p>"But it's <i>pouring</i>! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such +weather."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>who has purchased a ready-made dress</i>): "Tiresome this dress +is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."</p> + +<p><i>Cook</i> (<i>acting as lady's-maid</i>): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't +have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HIS REPUTATION</h3> + +<p><i>Waitress:</i> "He ain't no good, Lil—he's one of these fellers wot +chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare +to see wot he gets for it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT UP-TO-DATE</h3> + +<p><i>Penelope:</i> "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"</p> + +<p><i>Clarissa:</i> "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present +day."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span></p><p>"I believe so. Why?"</p> + +<p>"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT RESTRICTED</h3> + +<p>"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free +thinker."</p> + +<p>"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>John:</i> "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."</p> + +<p><i>Mirandy:</i> "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer <i>sure</i> that the +train'll show up—I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git +it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Wife:</i> "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."</p> + +<p>"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Escort:</i> Who's that fellow who seems to know you?</p> + +<p><i>The Lady:</i> Only a second cousin once removed.</p> + +<p><i>The Escort:</i> Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Voice</i> (<i>far off</i>): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!</p> + +<p><i>Satiated Camper:</i> All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A GREAT ATHLETE</h3> + +<p>Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had +drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation +turned on athletics.</p> + +<p>"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold +medal in a foot race."</p> + +<p>"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye +about my uncle at Ballycluna?"</p> + +<p>"I don't remember," replied Pat.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for +ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, +two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"</p> + +<p>"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"</p> + +<p>"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all—at all," came the reply. "He kapes +the pawnshop!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOTHING NEW TO HIM</h3> + +<p>The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked +down a man without injuring him much.</p> + +<p>She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to +the solid earth and faced him manfully.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your +fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. +I've been driving a car for seven years."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span></p><p>"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been +walking for fifty-seven years."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to pedlar</i>): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the +door."</p> + +<p><i>Pedlar:</i> "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, +appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is +just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.</p> + +<p><i>Humphrey</i> (<i>aged five</i>): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that +man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it +aloud.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>pouting</i>): You don't value my kisses as you used to.</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen +in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them +sufficient payment for a new dress.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">KNOWLEDGE</h3> + +<p>The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had +attained to the dignity of college prefect.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> He and his father were +discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, +I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."</p> + +<p>"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when +you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A HUMBLING SIGHT</h3> + +<p>An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to +have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a +local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On +receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure +thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the +artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.</p> + +<p>"Is that me?" she queried.</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam," replied the artist.</p> + +<p>"And is it like me?" she again asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."</p> + +<p>"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Dollie:</i> Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very +well.</p> + +<p><i>Pollie</i> (<i>kindly</i>): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, +I suppose.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER</h3> + +<p>A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops +and worried the majority of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> the salesmen without spending a penny, so +exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. +"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"</p> + +<p>The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!" +she replied. "What else should I be doing?"</p> + +<p>For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, +I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>to sailor who has rescued him from drowning</i>): Thank you, +Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.</p> + +<p><i>Sailor:</i> Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Steward:</i> Can I do anything for you, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>faintly</i>): You might present my compliments to the chief +engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to box office manager</i>): Can you tell me what they are playing +to-morrow night?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Box Office Manager:</i> "You Never Can Tell," Madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> Don't they even let you know?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Village Idiot:</i> Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I +thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>rebuking employee for slackness</i>): Have you any idea of the +meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?</p> + +<p><i>Stenographer:</i> No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want +to.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Sympathetic Lady:</i> What's the matter with your hand, my little man?</p> + +<p><i>Boy:</i> Sawed the top of my finger off.</p> + +<p><i>Sympathetic Lady:</i> Dear, dear, how did you do that?</p> + +<p><i>Boy:</i> Sawing.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REMEMBERED</h3> + +<p>Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from +abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son +Bobby has.</p> + +<p>"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.</p> + +<p>"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."</p> + +<p>An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands +with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.</p> + +<p>"And do you remember me, my little man?"</p> + +<p>"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and +ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NATURAL DEDUCTION</h3> + +<p>"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.</p> + +<p>"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.</p> + +<p>"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."</p> + +<p>"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this +morning?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO GOOD</h3> + +<p>"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her +employ, "I hear that you have married."</p> + +<p>"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."</p> + +<p>"Is he a good provider, Alice?"</p> + +<p>"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's +gwine git catched at it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT</h3> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys +don't fight."</p> + +<p><i>Johnnie:</i> "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but +after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA</h3> + +<p>Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired +of his father:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Dad, who was Mozart?"</p> + +<p>"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his +parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HE TAKES YOUR TIME</h3> + +<p>"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked +the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he +knows shall know it all, too."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE FLOOR HELD</h3> + +<p>"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his +friend.</p> + +<p>"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HIS DIFFICULTY</h3> + +<p><i>Real Estate Agent:</i> "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see +why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"</p> + +<p><i>Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:</i> "I was just wondering +whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE REAL JOB</h3> + +<p>"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">OFF LIKE A SHOT</h3> + +<p>It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of +having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the +prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.</p> + +<p>"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> + +<p>"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"</p> + +<p>"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the +prisoner."</p> + +<p>"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you +heard the second shot."</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the +distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ANSWERED</h3> + +<p><i>She:</i> "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "A bachelor."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TO BE SURE</h3> + +<p><i>Lily:</i> "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me +at the piano."</p> + +<p><i>Edith:</i> "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A CLOSE CALL</h3> + +<p>Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts +of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the +first time of his life, his amazement was great.</p> + +<p>The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the +3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes +glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it +as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for +several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length +an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.</p> + +<p>"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a +terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Breathless Visitor:</i> Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones——</p> + +<p><i>Doctor:</i> No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>They were talking over the days that will never return, so they +asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had +particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be +it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to +do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big +bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, +and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have +reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The +first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what +everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when +the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next +morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We +had a new sergeant—new to the routine of a camp, and after he had +checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and +accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is +full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should +say as much, full as a tick.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">READY AND WILLING</h3> + +<p><i>Magistrate:</i> "Can't this case be settled out of court?"</p> + +<p><i>Mulligan:</i> "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, +when the police interfered."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he +should do. Shaking his head, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> was about to leave the office, when the +doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you +fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling +out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time +his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. +He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to +speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his +machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman +quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of +stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers +until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. +"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I +oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I +thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Chloe:</i> I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin' +on Friday.</p> + +<p><i>Daphne:</i> What bad luck done come to you?</p> + +<p><i>Chloe:</i> I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I +was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the +nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What—who?" stammered the +professor absently. "Why interrupt me—isn't my wife at home?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SARCASM</h3> + +<p>Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a +success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been +engaged.</p> + +<p>When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking +round, he beckoned the chairman.</p> + +<p>"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he +said.</p> + +<p>"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking +half-an-hour I do a high dive."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NONE AT ALL</h3> + +<p>Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.</p> + +<p>"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a +safe journey."</p> + +<p>"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld +mither."</p> + +<p>"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"</p> + +<p>"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye +think you've got?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ART AND NATURE</h3> + +<p><i>Husband:</i> "What was that you were playing, my dear?"</p> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "Did you like it?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span></p><p>"It was lovely—the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"</p> + +<p>"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was +horrid."</p> + +<p>"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MISUNDERSTOOD</h3> + +<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."</p> + +<p><i>Maid:</i> "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, +too?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">ALL BRAINS</h3> + +<p>A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of +artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation +between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, +and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, +looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"</p> + +<p>"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of +laughter.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THIRTEEN TO ONE</h3> + +<p>Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a +young couple, who asked that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> he should marry them. He answered he had +not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he +would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, +he announced:</p> + +<p>"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"</p> + +<p>Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A GOOD ACTOR</h3> + +<p><i>Neighbour:</i> "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."</p> + +<p><i>Farmer:</i> "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was +working the last week he was here."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO SAD FOR THAT</h3> + +<p>A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.</p> + +<p>"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.</p> + +<p>The innkeeper looked pained.</p> + +<p>"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it +with all the calm resignation we can!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as +if his bite might be quite as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she +exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would +face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but +that darn dog ain't dead."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, +dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford——</p> + +<p><i>Hubby</i> (<i>resignedly</i>): When have they promised to deliver it?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REALISED</h3> + +<p><i>Lawyer:</i> "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."</p> + +<p><i>Client:</i> "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams +of his youth."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NEVER MISS ONE</h3> + +<p><i>Elder sister:</i> "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I +could give you a wrinkle or two."</p> + +<p><i>Younger sister:</i> "No doubt—and never miss them."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A BAD NIGHT</h3> + +<p>The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to +London. He gave the old lady the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> best room in the hotel—one with a +private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:</p> + +<p>"Did you have a good night's rest?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed +was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone +would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TRIPPED</h3> + +<p>The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly +flowers about them—everything was just right for a proposal, and +Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and +also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.</p> + +<p>"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he +asked gently.</p> + +<p>"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"</p> + +<p>"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not +dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.</p> + +<p>"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said +passionately. "You are too good—too beautiful. The man who wins you +should love you for yourself alone."</p> + +<p>"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the +money—not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span></p><p>"Oh—er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, +aren't we?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE GLOOMY GUEST</h3> + +<p>The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking +young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about +as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself +to cheer him up.</p> + +<p>"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.</p> + +<p>"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"</p> + +<p>"People kept thinking it was something to drink."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A well-known admiral—a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very +portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing +the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for +eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: +"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>First Little Girl:</i> What's your last name, Annie?</p> + +<p><i>Second Little Girl:</i> Don't know yet; I ain't married.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Kloseman:</i> I didn't see you in church last Sunday.</p> + +<p><i>Keen:</i> Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her +husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the +funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah," +said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself +up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs +to see dat I'se got on gloves?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Dad</i> (<i>sternly</i>): Where were you last night?</p> + +<p><i>Son:</i> Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.</p> + +<p><i>Dad:</i> Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, +there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses +is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the +woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are +all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young +fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my +ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's +dresses."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, +but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the +farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said +one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of +fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has +ever been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an +acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt +it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, +you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for +this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. +Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.</p> + +<p>"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth +a penny.'"</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. +"Four dollars or nothing."</p> + +<p>"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.</p> + +<p>"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.</p> + +<p>"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was +hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really +worth."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT IN THE BUSINESS</h3> + +<p>"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it +again?"</p> + +<p>"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HER VIEWS</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. de Vere:</i> "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your +own views of foreign life!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; +it's so common."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A GOOD MATCH</h3> + +<p><i>Proprietor:</i> "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"</p> + +<p><i>Assistant:</i> "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and +I showed him a soft hat."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM</h3> + +<p><i>Old Job:</i> "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love +with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"</p> + +<p><i>Old Steve:</i> "Why not choose the latter and get both?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>just introduced</i>): What a very homely person that gentleman near +the piano is, Mrs. Black!</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the +prettiest wives!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my +hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, +perusing the pages of a novel.</p> + +<p>"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell +the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Pompous Publisher</i> (<i>to aspiring novice in literature</i>): I have been +reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I +think—ahem!—very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you +should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.</p> + +<p><i>Youthful Authoress</i> (<i>wishing to show herself most ready to accept +advice</i>): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have +given you trouble?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">FISHY RECORD</h3> + +<p><i>First Stenog.</i> (<i>reading</i>): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles +on a galleon!"</p> + +<p><i>Second Stenog.:</i> "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about +them foreign cars."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full +eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.</p> + +<p>"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."</p> + +<p>"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady:</i> Well, what do you want?</p> + +<p><i>Tramp:</i> Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the +front——</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>with interest</i>): Really——</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p><p><i>Tramp:</i> Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round +to the back.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a +consultation."</p> + +<p>"Of doctors?"</p> + +<p>"Of dressmakers."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"You discharged your office boy?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and +look wise."</p> + +<p>"I guess you've seen the last of him."</p> + +<p>"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency +expert."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"</p> + +<p>"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on +it—such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">PERFECT AGREEMENT</h3> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you +agree once in a while?"</p> + +<p><i>Georgia:</i> "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do +I."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> Jack is in love with you.</p> + +<p><i>Her:</i> Nonsense!</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> That's what I said when I heard it.</p> + +<p><i>Her:</i> How dared you!</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Professor</i> (<i>endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic</i>): +Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?</p> + +<p><i>Senior:</i> A professor!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:</p> + +<p>"What's the name of this wheel?"</p> + +<p>"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.</p> + +<p>He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:</p> + +<p>"Can you recommend the Belva?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"What this country needs is more production."</p> + +<p>"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight +trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more +enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BOTTLED COURAGE</h3> + +<p>"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"</p> + +<p>"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This +stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause +him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.</p> + +<p>"I don't know whether he will take more interest in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> his business," said +Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">IT WORKED</h3> + +<p>A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.</p> + +<p>"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The +woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:</p> + +<p>"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"</p> + +<p>"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.</p> + +<p>"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the +scarlet fever, I think."</p> + +<p>"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."</p> + +<p>He turned to obey.</p> + +<p>"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the +bread, said humbly:</p> + +<p>"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"</p> + +<p>"Get out of my shop."</p> + +<p>He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, +another mountain of misery joined him.</p> + +<p>"Well, Bill?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it +fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">FILM FEVER</h3> + +<p><i>Nurse:</i> "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little +boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"</p> + +<p><i>Guy:</i> "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE DRUGGIST'S TURN</h3> + +<p>The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.</p> + +<p>"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"</p> + +<p>"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, but what—"</p> + +<p>"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a +prescription filled."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WRONG BROTHER</h3> + +<p>A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he +himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.</p> + +<p>Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two +young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.</p> + +<p>Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an +ordinary tone to the other:</p> + +<p>"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"</p> + +<p>"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy +about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a +practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, +reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one +thing about a farm which I can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> not do." Then, in the impressive +silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Doctor:</i> "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed +my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven't +taken any of it?"</p> + +<p><i>Patient:</i> "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"And about the salary?" said the movie star.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."</p> + +<p>"All right."</p> + +<p>"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call +it—you will get $500."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Prospective Employer:</i> I suppose you have some experience of live +stock?</p> + +<p><i>Applicant for Post:</i> Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked +cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch +whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along +came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down +and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. +Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his +leg.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Graham:</i> "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every +woman in jail!"</p> + +<p><i>Miss F.:</i> "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that +way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you +put all the women in jail?"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Graham:</i> "Stag-nation, of course!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GUILTY</h3> + +<p><i>Sister:</i> "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him +of something I did before we were married."</p> + +<p><i>Brother:</i> "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."</p> + +<p><i>Sister:</i> "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't +know what to confess."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, +honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.</p> + +<p>"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, +I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."</p> + +<p>"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Second-story Worker:</i> "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What +did it cost you?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span></p><p><i>Burglar:</i> "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.</p> + +<p>"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.</p> + +<p>"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.</p> + +<p>"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.</p> + +<p>"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to +know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his +choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the +affirmative answer late at night.</p> + +<p>"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I +married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."</p> + +<p>"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the +night rates."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO ENTHUSIASTIC</h3> + +<p><i>Wifey:</i> "Henry, do you think me an angel?"</p> + +<p><i>Hubby:</i> "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all +women are angels!"</p> + +<p>"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BAD BOTH WAYS</h3> + +<p><i>Dobb:</i> "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"</p> + +<p><i>Botham:</i> "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."</p> + +<p>"And did you post it?"</p> + +<p>"No; she forgot to give it to me!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HIS LITTLE MISTAKE</h3> + +<p>A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners +as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each +a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called +round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the +village butcher's.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave +you the other day?"</p> + +<p>Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the +little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under +the counter.</p> + +<p>"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of +confidence, "it ended like they all end."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"</p> + +<p>And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived +happy ever after."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."</p> + +<p>"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is +two poems and a short story."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOUGH ON THE SENATOR</h3> + +<p>The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked +the minister about some of his old acquaintances.</p> + +<p>"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him +to-day?"</p> + +<p>"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to +heaven."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REDEEMING TRAIT</h3> + +<p>"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I +go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."</p> + +<p>"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."</p> + +<p>"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our +honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">OFF</h3> + +<p>There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he +penned the following note:</p> + +<p>"Dear Miss Brown,—I return herewith your kind note in which you accept +my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it +begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you +will remember, is Thomas."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT A FATHER</h3> + +<p>A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing +the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.</p> + +<p>"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two +kids."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WEDDING DECLARED OFF</h3> + +<p><i>John Willie</i> (<i>pleadingly</i>): "Why can't we be married right away, +Elsie?"</p> + +<p><i>Elsie</i> (<i>coyly</i>): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."</p> + +<p><i>John Willie</i> (<i>earnestly</i>): "But, my darling, he has had you such a +very long time."</p> + +<p><i>Elsie</i> (<i>freezingly</i>): "Sir!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">PERHAPS!</h3> + +<p>"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he +was engaged to marry.</p> + +<p>"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing +conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged +darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As +the old fellow neared the door his eye<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span> lighted upon an +extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. +The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed +wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After +a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the +optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," +replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man +to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon +the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared +it was!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not +circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, +for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A +young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts +hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, +which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready +cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that +will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you +deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The +ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after +a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, +anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what +micht come over us."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NO DOUBT</h3> + +<p>"Lend me ten, Tom."</p> + +<p>"I think not."</p> + +<p>"You won't?"</p> + +<p>"I won't."</p> + +<p>"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"</p> + +<p>"I haven't."</p> + +<p>"Well, why won't you, then?"</p> + +<p>"Because I have no doubt of your character."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>drilling recruits</i>): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you +do?</p> + +<p><i>Recruit:</i> I yell.</p> + +<p><i>Officer:</i> Yell what?</p> + +<p><i>Recruit:</i> Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>at door, to butler</i>): Tell your master the doctor is here.</p> + +<p><i>Butler:</i> The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Young Woman</i> (<i>holding out hand</i>): Will you please tell me how to +pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or +turkwoise?</p> + +<p><i>Jeweler</i> (<i>after inspecting it</i>): The correct pronunciation is "glass."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for +several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept +me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> and +I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His +boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever +next pay day."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of +calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he +wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud +tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message +for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out +of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and +then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a +slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of +stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The +following dialogue took place:</p> + +<p>"You've stolen no chickens?"</p> + +<p>"No, sah."</p> + +<p>"Have you stolen any geese?"</p> + +<p>"No, sah."</p> + +<p>"Any turkeys?"</p> + +<p>"No, sah."</p> + +<p>The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before +the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd +said ducks you'd 'a' had me."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see +his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents +of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty +trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and +looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort +of thing?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS</h3> + +<p>"I can read my husband like a book."</p> + +<p>"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole +a kiss."</p> + +<p>"What did she say?"</p> + +<p>"Will that be all?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NO KICK COMING</h3> + +<p><i>Merchant:</i> Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a +burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of +its contents.</p> + +<p><i>Agent:</i> Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT</h3> + +<p>The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local +hospital. When he entered Ward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man +lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after +administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he +remarked in cheering tones:</p> + +<p>"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's +the way in the world."</p> + +<p>"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.</p> + +<p>"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's +through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO TRUE</h3> + +<p><i>Screen Actress:</i> I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I +cannot act to-day.</p> + +<p><i>Manager:</i> Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a +certificate saying that you never could act.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CONSERVATIVE</h3> + +<p>He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout +boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came +into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty +in getting what he wanted.</p> + +<p>A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.</p> + +<p>"No, no! Square toes—must have square toes," he insisted.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span></p><p>"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are +fashionable this season."</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to +leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you +see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HE HAD HEARD OF THEM</h3> + +<p>It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to +cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him +how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are +wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I +used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck +it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." +Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the +Himalayas?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George +Washington."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goodsole:</i> "Well, what do you want?"</p> + +<p><i>Benny the Bum:</i> "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I +find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the +traffic to drive aroun' me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHAT DID HE MEAN?</h3> + +<p>A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to +do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he +reported:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span></p><p>"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay +ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."</p> + +<p>"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to +pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"</p> + +<p>"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven +you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TRUE TO LIFE</h3> + +<p>Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his +"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.</p> + +<p>"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' +it?"</p> + +<p>"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like +ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"</p> + +<p>"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."</p> + +<p>"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHAT HE PREFERRED</h3> + +<p>"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the +Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.</p> + +<p>"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was +owed; "I prefer the cash!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span></p><p>"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"</p> + +<p>"A spade."</p> + +<p>"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually +large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, +and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have +a zero on this examination."</p> + +<p>"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower +than that."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the +cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who +was tinkering with the pipes.</p> + +<p>"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.</p> + +<p>"Been in the trade long?"</p> + +<p>"'Bout a year, guv'nor."</p> + +<p>"Ever made any mistakes?"</p> + +<p>"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."</p> + +<p>"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected +up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying +like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a +glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: +"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——"</p> + +<p>"Out with you," interrupted the man.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span></p><p>"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"</p> + +<p>"I should say not!"</p> + +<p>"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.</p> + +<p>Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically +inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a +thimble?"</p> + +<p>Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it +for a hat."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger +bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done +intentionally.</p> + +<p>"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."</p> + +<p>"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of +hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah +suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLOOD RELATIONS</h3> + +<p><i>Actor:</i> "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"</p> + +<p><i>Fulpurse:</i> "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and +a cab.</p> + +<p>The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span> you can't help it! +You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over +age!"</p> + +<p>"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, +"a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer +blinkin' 'at!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SCOTCHED!</h3> + +<p>A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to +his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,</p> + +<p>"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."</p> + +<p>"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."</p> + +<p>The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's +as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."</p> + +<p>"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for +all the parritch I have."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE BRUTE!</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave +me, Archie?"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Newlywed:</i> "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE WHOLE TRUTH</h3> + +<p>Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during +working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></p><p>"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"</p> + +<p>"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see +ye."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE CONSUMER INFLAMED</h3> + +<p>"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.</p> + +<p>"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.</p> + +<p>"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HOW HE DID IT</h3> + +<p><i>First Theatrical Manager:</i> "Do you have any trouble with the girl who +is playing the flapper in your new show?"</p> + +<p><i>Second Theatrical Manager:</i> "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just +threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants +in the army."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REALITY</h3> + +<p>A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on +Sunday afternoon.</p> + +<p>"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the +spiritual adviser.</p> + +<p>"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the +baby; our nurse is ill."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span></p><p>"That's no excuse," said the pastor.</p> + +<p>"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see +how you like it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">PURE CARELESSNESS</h3> + +<p>It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.</p> + +<p>"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come +here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your +faults."</p> + +<p>"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe +me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A LEVEL-HEADED CAR</h3> + +<p><i>Irate Motorist:</i> "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it +was a fine machine!"</p> + +<p><i>Dealer:</i> "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUSPICIOUS</h3> + +<p>It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being +tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.</p> + +<p>"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who +brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who +shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span></p><p>"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man +I suspect o' doing it."</p> + +<p>"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably +nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"</p> + +<p>"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my +property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting +the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the +bird committed suicide."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A WONDER!</h3> + +<p>"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.</p> + +<p>"That so?" asked Smith.</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and +not have a solitary symptom of some disease."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">IN A FIX</h3> + +<p><i>Mrs. Muggins:</i> "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I +have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her +have yours?"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Muggins:</i> "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's +name on the handle."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SUCKED!</h3> + +<p>It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the +picture palace.</p> + +<p>On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to +him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; +it's so rude when people are about!"</p> + +<p>"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my +rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HALF AND HALF</h3> + +<p>Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and +packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. +Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of +withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."</p> + +<p>The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a +woman I would!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">REVENGE IS SWEET</h3> + +<p>"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside +hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The +reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been +non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> doctor was a base +hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the +pages were cadets."</p> + +<p>"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we +set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NO EFFECT</h3> + +<p>"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you +down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"</p> + +<p>"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at +me and drove on."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A FUTURE FINANCIER</h3> + +<p>"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson +said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"</p> + +<p>"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. +"You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I +even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little +lad!"</p> + +<p>"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that +what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A BAD CASE</h3> + +<p>"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"</p> + +<p>"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was +something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he +had sat up over an hour trying to think."</p> + +<p>"And did he finally remember it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BLACK SUPERSTITION</h3> + +<p><i>Architect:</i> "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"</p> + +<p><i>Quickrich:</i> "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, +are generally found in a brown study."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HALF A DUCK DEEP</h3> + +<p>Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a +youngster if it was deep.</p> + +<p>"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found +that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.</p> + +<p>When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I +thought you said it wasn't deep?"</p> + +<p>"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to +their middles!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">COULDN'T RESIST IT</h3> + +<p>"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and +displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef +for sale?"</p> + +<p>"I have," responded the butcher.</p> + +<p>"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"</p> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can +sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"</p> + +<p>"I'll do my best, sir."</p> + +<p>The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another +look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved +too strong for him.</p> + +<p>"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of +the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night +which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened +to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would +presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before +he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."</p> + +<p>"And you foretold that from his hand?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, it had four aces in it."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the +cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the +lad.</p> + +<p>"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend +gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."</p> + +<p>"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me—hic—keep it in th' house."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the +draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest +idea what it is I'm cooking."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.</p> + +<p>"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied +Tramp No. 2.</p> + +<p>"'Fraid on account of the dog?"</p> + +<p>"Me trousers are."</p> + +<p>"Trousers are what?"</p> + +<p>"Frayed on account of the dog."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A QUESTION OF LOCALITY</h3> + +<p>"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up +and give your seat to your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> father? Doesn't it pain you to see him +reaching for the strap?"</p> + +<p>"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HER SOFT ANSWER</h3> + +<p>They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby +exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in +the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is +cold?"</p> + +<p>"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HE WAS WRONG</h3> + +<p><i>Prison Visitor:</i> "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for +strong drink that brought you here?"</p> + +<p><i>Prisoner:</i> "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the +last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">OPENING FATHER'S EYES</h3> + +<p>"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"</p> + +<p>"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.</p> + +<p>"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, +for instance, you see the steam <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span>coming out of that kettle, but you +don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and——"</p> + +<p>"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the +steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters +without you knowing it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NICE</h3> + +<p>She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she +was getting on.</p> + +<p>"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint +account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."</p> + +<p>"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in +equal sums?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and +I draw it out!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT NEEDED</h3> + +<p><i>O'Grady:</i> "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"</p> + +<p><i>Pat:</i> "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av +night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SHE COULD USE HIM</h3> + +<p>"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and +shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at +hard labour."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span></p><p>"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court +room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from +home, but let dat hard labour stand."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DECLINED WITH THANKS</h3> + +<p>Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that +quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't +get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking +matters over, Brown decided to reform.</p> + +<p>After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to +keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited +until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.</p> + +<p>"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."</p> + +<p>"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just +before going to sleep."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MANAGING THE MANAGERS</h3> + +<p>This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a +large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks—</p> + +<p>"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I +couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"</p> + +<p>"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span> manage him. When +you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to +buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A GREAT LIGHT</h3> + +<p>The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's +mate.</p> + +<p>"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," the gob confessed.</p> + +<p>"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"</p> + +<p>"Twelve o'clock."</p> + +<p>"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"</p> + +<p>"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve +pounds."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their +conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing +titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that +the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American +consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of +'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"</p> + +<p>Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you +believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every +one knows about passion."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded +clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of +the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his +vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the +previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon +celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had +diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very +different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read +aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready +to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink +and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked +up?"</p> + +<p>"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Aristocrat</i> (<i>returning to school</i>): My ancestors came over with +William the Conqueror.</p> + +<p><i>The New Girl:</i> That's nothing! <i>My</i> father came over in the same boat +with Mary Pickford!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the +Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to +enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car +do you own?"</p> + +<p>"A Packard," was the reply.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span></p><p>"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."</p> + +<p>The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand +over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, +who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little +individual came along.</p> + +<p>"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.</p> + +<p>"A Ford," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian +Scientists."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Housewife:</i> My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for +a year.</p> + +<p><i>The Hobo:</i> Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The Professor:</i> A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as +it will cut glass.</p> + +<p><i>The Cynic:</i> Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression +on a woman's heart.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Boss:</i> What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or +am I?</p> + +<p><i>Jones:</i> I know I'm not the manager.</p> + +<p><i>The Boss:</i> Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk +like a blamed idiot?</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Pa, what's an actor?"</p> + +<p>"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer +into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a +number of bored stage<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span> hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and +exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Is she making a rich marriage?"</p> + +<p>"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three +times for profiteering."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SANDY SCORED</h3> + +<p>A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:</p> + +<p>"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, +like me?"</p> + +<p>"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"</p> + +<p>"I do," said the laird.</p> + +<p>"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' +that the empty yins stand up."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WITH A RESERVATION</h3> + +<p>"Miss Smith—Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is +something I want to tell you—something that I——"</p> + +<p>"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a +bored expression on her face.</p> + +<p>The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. +"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. +"Could you—do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too +much like you!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TOO SMART</h3> + +<p>A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some +"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the +prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three +watches, marked respectively <i>£</i>5, <i>£</i>4, and <i>£</i>3 10<i>s.</i>, and laid them +in a row on the counter.</p> + +<p>The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of +the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the +watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the +lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me +no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid <i>£</i>3 10<i>s.</i>, and departed.</p> + +<p>Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his +return.</p> + +<p>"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de +same brice—two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT</h3> + +<p>"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.</p> + +<p>"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.</p> + +<p>"What flowers are not popular?"</p> + +<p>"Wall-flowers, ma'am."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NATIVE BORN</h3> + +<p>"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."</p> + +<p>"Your head?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yer honour."</p> + +<p>"Why don't you speak the English language?"</p> + +<p>"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE JONAH</h3> + +<p>"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the +story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story +teaches."</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches +that you can't keep a good man down."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THE SUBSTITUTE</h3> + +<p>A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table +if he could have some poached eggs.</p> + +<p>"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's +reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE</h3> + +<p>The maiden of, er—forty or so, was much upset.</p> + +<p>Quoth she to a younger friend:</p> + +<p>"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was +nothing but a hopeless old maid."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span></p><p>"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.</p> + +<p>"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"</p> + +<p>"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than +having her tell lies about you."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">GOOD OR BAD TURN?</h3> + +<p>"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make +one think there's something wrong with it."</p> + +<p>"What does it say, then?"</p> + +<p>"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">TALKING SENSE</h3> + +<p>"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the +first man you have ever kissed?"</p> + +<p>"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go +any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, +fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times +over, aren't you?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune +will be left to me?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name +at the bank?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span></p><p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million +dollars?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"</p> + +<p>"Y-yes."</p> + +<p>"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to +you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A MAGIC HEALER</h3> + +<p>During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his +right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped +into the doctor's to have them attended to.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be +able to play the piano?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.</p> + +<p>"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SHE TOOK THEM</h3> + +<p>"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. +"They seem rather indistinct."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span></p><p>"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your +face is not at all plain."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY</h3> + +<p>Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but +the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.</p> + +<p>"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Suh?"</p> + +<p>"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"</p> + +<p>Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all +that remained.</p> + +<p>"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant +goat done completely et up his destination."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HER MATCH</h3> + +<p><i>Tommy:</i> "What's an echo, pa?"</p> + +<p><i>Pa:</i> "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of +the last word."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded +the boss angrily.</p> + +<p>"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me +not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch +it at home either."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">SCIENTIFIC PROOF</h3> + +<p>One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She +asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of +the time. One little girl spoke up and said:</p> + +<p>"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Bolshie Tubthumper:</i> Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all +ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Sunday School Teacher:</i> Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite +to your playmates, what will be the result?</p> + +<p><i>Alfred:</i> They'll think they can lick me!</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A NATURAL PICTURE</h3> + +<p>A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, +and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better +picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."</p> + +<p>"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put +it in my pocket."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOTHING TO SMILE AT</h3> + +<p>A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.</p> + +<p>An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span>apparently took not the +smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly +reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he +said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a +Scotsman's head."</p> + +<p>A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae +a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">DREW BLANK</h3> + +<p>The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.</p> + +<p>So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully +upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about +for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally +he managed to catch the great man.</p> + +<p>"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, feyr, feyr!"</p> + +<p>"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair +throats?"</p> + +<p>"Ay!"</p> + +<p>"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"</p> + +<p>"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">A FRIEND IN NEED</h3> + +<p>What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man +who has a friend. It is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span>related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who +died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much +affected.</p> + +<p>"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.</p> + +<p>"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true +friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough +he was starving to death."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHAT HE PREFERRED</h3> + +<p>He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the +odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at +the back door.</p> + +<p>"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.</p> + +<p>"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house +replied.</p> + +<p>"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would +gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">READY TO JOIN</h3> + +<p><i>Minister:</i> Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Ala Mode:</i> I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HELPFUL PA!</h3> + +<p><i>He:</i> Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the +future?</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of +next week.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying +this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"</p> + +<p>"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not +such an awful habit. Why, at your own club——"</p> + +<p>"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of +mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, +and fours."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. +Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">HE KNEW</h3> + +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time +had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. +Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."</p> + +<p>"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.</p> + +<p>"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my +little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span></p><p>Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he +stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know +why you're washing!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">THEY WILT</h3> + +<p>"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer +Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.</p> + +<p>"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' +and they wilt."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT STRONG ENOUGH</h3> + +<p>Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. +Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully +nice."</p> + +<p>"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' +cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in +such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more +correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."</p> + +<p>Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."</p> + +<p>"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.</p> + +<p>"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little +girl.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">WHY HE PICKED PICTISH</h3> + +<p>An English mother was visiting her son at college.</p> + +<p>"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"</p> + +<p>"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.</p> + +<p>"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"</p> + +<p>"Only five words of it remain," he said.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">PLAYED THEM BOTH UP</h3> + +<p>A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly +it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of +the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the +appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.</p> + +<p>"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend +it."</p> + +<p>Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, +while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man +said:</p> + +<p>"That'll be three shillings, mum."</p> + +<p>"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little +fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"</p> + +<p>The man shook his head.</p> + +<p>"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said +his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"</p> + +<p>And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">JUSTICE AT LAST</h3> + +<p>It was the usual domestic storm.</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor +mother's advice, and never married you!"</p> + +<p>Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last +found voice.</p> + +<p>"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>Wifey nodded violently.</p> + +<p>A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.</p> + +<p>"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">IN ORDER TO BE FILLED</h3> + +<p>Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down +in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The +one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the +air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.</p> + +<p>As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked +over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:</p> + +<p>"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done +hit me smack on de haid."</p> + +<p>The other one looked surprised.</p> + +<p>"Did I hit you?"</p> + +<p>"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've +been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does +resemble my promise."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"</p> + +<p>"Has he?"</p> + +<p>"Why, no."</p> + +<p>"Of course I would, darling."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"</p> + +<p>"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be +expected to pay the rentals I require."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">CAUSTIC</h3> + +<p>A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds +himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, +and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to +suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.</p> + +<p>"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just look +up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to your +credit."</p> + +<p>"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being +introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the +cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have +been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span> +pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."</p> + +<p>"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter +be more careful."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>First Sailor</i> (<i>searching vainly for his ship after a few hours' +leave</i>): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"</p> + +<p><i>Second Sailor:</i> "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started +scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOT WORTH MUCH</h3> + +<p>The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate +region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, +"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have +risen tremendously in price?"</p> + +<p>"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin' +when ye get it."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">NOTHING TO FEAR</h3> + +<p><i>Irate Golfer:</i> "You must take your children away from here, madam; this +is no place for them."</p> + +<p><i>Mother:</i> "Now don't you worry—they can't 'ear nothin' new—their +father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<h3 class="left">MISLED</h3> + +<p><i>The Client:</i> "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were +advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they +were empty."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span></p><p><i>The Lawyer:</i> "Well, what do you expect?"</p> + +<p><i>The Client:</i> "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked +how it was that the Jews were so wise.</p> + +<p>"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered +to sell one for ten dollars.</p> + +<p>After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit +into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."</p> + +<p>"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and +would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little +money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, +twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 +when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I +shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will +have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, +"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I +told you, when they called?"</p> + +<p>"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' +shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"</p> + +<p>"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."</p> + +<p>"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him +he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Would you marry a man to reform him?"</p> + +<p>"What does he do?"</p> + +<p>"He drinks."</p> + +<p>"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in +our set."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I would like to have a globe of the earth."</p> + +<p>"What size, madam?"</p> + +<p>"Life-size, of course."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Wife:</i> "George, is that you?"</p> + +<p><i>George:</i> "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>tenderly</i>): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Jazz:</i> "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."</p> + +<p><i>Beau:</i> "Stripped?"</p> + +<p><i>Jazz:</i> "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed</i> (<i>on her first day's shopping</i>): "I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> want two pieces of +steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Farmer:</i> "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"</p> + +<p><i>Tourist:</i> "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Papa:</i> "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last +night?"</p> + +<p><i>Daughter:</i> "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."</p> + +<p>"Then why didn't you marry him?"</p> + +<p>"I met him again so often."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Interviewer:</i> "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"</p> + +<p><i>Stage Manager:</i> "Those who have the most to show, of course."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"</p> + +<p><i>He:</i> "Er—er—nothing."</p> + +<p><i>She:</i> "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me +unless he means business, d'ye hear?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Foreman:</i> "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to +your one?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span></p><p><i>Laborer:</i> "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>in box</i>): "Can you look over my shoulders?"</p> + +<p><i>Sailor:</i> "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they +are great."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"How times have changed!"</p> + +<p>"Yes?"</p> + +<p>"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Sailor Bill:</i> "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light +canvas."</p> + +<p><i>Sailor Dan:</i> "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Tramp:</i> "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."</p> + +<p>"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied +by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its +excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken +he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.</p> + +<p>"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.</p> + +<p>The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity +to the salesman's ear, replied:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span></p><p>"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan' +wo'k heah no mo'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Do you really believe in heredity?"</p> + +<p>"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd +responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, +and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he +said:</p> + +<p>"How about you, George, are you married?"</p> + +<p>Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own +livin'."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the +hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever +saw?"</p> + +<p>"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left +it all to you."</p> + +<p>"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him +suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and +fees and things!"</p> + +<p>"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay +all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's +salary."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Mr. McNab</i> (<i>after having his lease read over to him</i>): "I will not +sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span> Commandments for a mansion +in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in +the High Street."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the +bed and hurry or we shall be late."</p> + +<p>"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a +muvver."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"You say you doted on your last mistress?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, mum. I certainly did."</p> + +<p>"Then why did you leave her?"</p> + +<p>"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or +something?"</p> + +<p>"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"</p> + +<p>"Only wunst."</p> + +<p>"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"</p> + +<p>"No'm; he should have said twict."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you +have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."</p> + +<p>"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is +perfect."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business +and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."</p> + +<p>"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And +John, dear——"</p> + +<p>"Yes; what is it?"</p> + +<p>"Please don't draw to any inside straights."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>The City Nephew:</i> "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly +instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."</p> + +<p><i>Uncle Talltimber:</i> "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the +telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over +our twenty-party line."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you +repeat a verse from the Bible?"</p> + +<p>"I'll say I can."</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear, let us have it."</p> + +<p>"The Lord is my shepherd—I should worry."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, +and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During +the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself +very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine +disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he +was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the +whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor +the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the +satellite.</p> + +<p>"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but +it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"What are you doing, Marjory?"</p> + +<p>"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."</p> + +<p>"But, darling, you don't know how to write."</p> + +<p>"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"What sort of an appearing man is he?"</p> + +<p>"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like +he always ett at the second table."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"</p> + +<p>"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."</p> + +<p>"No, her husband has lost his hearing."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new +suit. One asked:</p> + +<p>"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"</p> + +<p>"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.</p> + +<p>"Fo'ty dollahs?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."</p> + +<p>"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly +like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore +flimflammed you."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span></p><p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat +sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then +straightening up he said:</p> + +<p>"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of +yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be +yo' vest.'"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"</p> + +<p>"How old are you now?"</p> + +<p>"Forty."</p> + +<p>"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"</p> + +<p>"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't +any vices."</p> + +<p>"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p>"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on +your chest?"</p> + +<p>"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + +<p><i>Father:</i> "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl +robbed you of every cent you had."</p> + +<p><i>Son:</i> "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS *** + +***** This file should be named 21084-h.htm or 21084-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/0/8/21084/ + +Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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