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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Jokes For All Occasions
+       Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: April 15, 2007 [EBook #21084]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+
+[Illustration: Publisher's logo]
+
+
+NEW YORK
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1921, 1922, BY
+
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is
+impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect
+himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to
+guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.
+
+Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One
+uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point.
+The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the
+narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself
+serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro
+would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put
+his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should
+scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
+essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful
+examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to
+determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second,
+an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the
+relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by
+the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he
+must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is
+fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion
+of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will
+succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even
+the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.
+
+The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be
+attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that
+story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the
+skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that
+they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any
+one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by
+exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to
+his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and
+easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the
+earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger
+number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained
+in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative
+should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the
+characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in
+themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise
+instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of
+itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that,
+though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove
+so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised
+to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing
+essential in the preparation for it.
+
+In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to
+choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so
+called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions,
+and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a
+friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But
+the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never
+does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties
+at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of
+some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the
+way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by
+such adaptation, the story is made really one's own--as the professional
+humorists thankfully admit!
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise
+definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit
+replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires
+a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all
+appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation
+will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons,
+declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile,
+multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously
+apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard
+to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of
+Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it
+fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are
+essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor
+is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression
+of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces
+smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the
+circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation.
+Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
+brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man
+should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se
+neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not
+chuckle over it.
+
+The element of surprise is common to both wit and humor, and it is
+often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any
+essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The
+unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive
+peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
+world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado
+that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by
+hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the
+average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish
+costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every
+respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the
+risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances.
+When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a
+banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we
+laugh before asking if he broke a leg.
+
+The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the
+various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The
+causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and
+only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial
+characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making,
+and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written
+humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a
+fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I
+have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's
+humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in
+jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese story ages
+and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the
+Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the
+ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment
+was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.
+
+"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was
+strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of
+a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no
+use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."
+
+"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they
+punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand
+it."
+
+"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe,
+it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."
+
+The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek
+literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing
+to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand
+years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
+name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title,
+"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls.
+Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who
+determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the
+horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful
+in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off
+when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who
+posed before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
+looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in
+order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the
+man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether
+it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek
+jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will
+doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when
+he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That
+of other people."
+
+Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our
+own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the
+tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
+Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality.
+When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was
+refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up
+flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the
+protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I
+do not wish to lend it."
+
+When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had
+already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from
+the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I
+hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the
+word of an ass instead of mine?"
+
+In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay
+tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for _Don Quixote_ is
+a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races
+is of a sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the
+other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of
+investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'
+school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the
+youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why
+is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way
+of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving
+a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall
+lose no time in reading it."
+
+The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually
+kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous
+picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
+canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was
+about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the
+twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with
+your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated
+plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:
+"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too,
+who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
+an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he
+retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of
+saying anything."
+
+But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more
+amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the
+effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only
+one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as when a
+courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all
+around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the
+impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favieres who visited a Parisian
+named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:
+
+"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de
+Favieres. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred
+luis."
+
+Barnard answered with equal explicitness:
+
+"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am
+going to lend them to you."
+
+The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often
+characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:
+
+The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a
+trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced
+dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
+was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders
+of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a
+narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a
+thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet
+and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and
+she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the
+good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the
+ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached
+the turn of the path, the husband called to them:
+
+"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"
+
+The written humor of the Dutch does not usually make a very strong
+appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and
+lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in
+fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand,
+which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great
+earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:
+"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"
+
+Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects
+somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts
+unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
+are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British
+colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own
+in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might
+just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently
+imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying.
+He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl
+visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two
+dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."
+
+"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.
+
+"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two
+dollars?"
+
+It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste
+than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people
+delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities
+without any injury to the feelings of others. For example, Dickens
+relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a
+public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation
+for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran
+amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of
+the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:
+
+"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."
+
+In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the
+story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only
+wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made
+her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:
+
+"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on
+cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"
+
+The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting
+on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest
+jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous,
+was in the single word of _Punch's_ advice to those about to get
+married:
+
+"Don't!"
+
+The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a
+hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and
+the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against
+her assailant.
+
+"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"
+
+"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more
+like a friend nor a 'usband!"
+
+Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely but too well, with
+the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter.
+Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:
+
+"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel--this leaksh!"
+
+Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a
+suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman
+stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:
+
+"What makes your nose so red?"
+
+The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:
+
+"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't
+stuck into other folks's business."
+
+But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as
+trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of
+gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole--"A lively sense of future
+favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist
+by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing
+as well as could be expected, considering that I have three
+adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
+"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do
+anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had
+said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if
+he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted
+but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor
+times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities,
+including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid
+with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer remarked that the piece was
+tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:
+
+"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"
+
+Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the
+grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity
+was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it
+took two men to swallow it whole.
+
+It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer
+at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and
+frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may
+contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its
+cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the
+two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with
+the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a
+pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
+recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde,
+and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a
+dispatch of one word, "_Peccavi_" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the
+sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while
+not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the
+innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows,
+who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
+ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:
+
+
+     "Ben Battle was a soldier bold,
+       And used to war's alarms,
+     But a cannon ball took off his legs,
+       So he laid down his arms.
+
+     "And as they took him off the field,
+       Cried he, 'Let others shoot,
+     'For here I leave my second leg,
+       'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"
+
+
+It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a
+joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of
+the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have
+been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt
+distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the
+English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the
+Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated
+Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch
+character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was
+attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted
+severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only
+money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked
+glumly:
+
+"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."
+
+And there is the classic from _Punch_ of the Scotchman, who, on his
+return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences,
+declared:
+
+"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"
+
+Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to
+define a bull. He said:
+
+"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is
+standing up, that's a bull."
+
+A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle
+Roche. He wrote in a letter:
+
+"At this very moment, my dear----, I am writing this with a sword in one
+hand and a pistol in the other."
+
+He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:
+
+"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible
+misfortune is usually followed by a greater."
+
+And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:
+
+"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop
+there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a
+third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us
+put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a
+storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin
+it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."
+
+Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no
+means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock
+contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the
+matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the
+varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost
+countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content
+of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
+of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the
+old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize
+in our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim under
+the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the
+German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus,
+the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said
+musingly:
+
+"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got
+plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"
+
+And in the moralizing vein, this:
+
+The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to
+make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that God
+would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God,
+please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious
+resignation, she added:
+
+"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."
+
+At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who
+confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such
+an extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't.
+
+Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is
+produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no
+lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For
+example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant
+brightly:
+
+"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"
+
+"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.
+
+"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Is it the going down?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"
+
+"It's the questions, mum."
+
+And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he
+would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.
+
+"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."
+
+Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their
+humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh
+Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
+could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many
+another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses
+to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
+man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a
+British subject, and an habitual drunkard.
+
+The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque.
+It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic
+of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
+American tourist brags of his own:
+
+"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That
+polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam
+believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our
+government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
+Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float
+wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its
+grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the
+hogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their
+tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.
+
+Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor
+of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his
+seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
+cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:
+
+"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine
+and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to
+hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."
+
+Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The
+conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was
+mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.
+
+"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.
+
+"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"
+
+"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.
+
+The conductor shook his head emphatically.
+
+"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."
+
+"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."
+
+In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a
+ladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on.
+
+We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have
+brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes
+creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
+the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their power
+to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most
+magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good
+story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with
+gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads
+store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing
+undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is
+believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame
+for the narrator.
+
+For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories
+and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order.
+The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration
+may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting
+illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments.
+History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing
+his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered
+available for any one by this book.
+
+
+
+
+STORIES.
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+ABSENTMINDEDNESS
+
+
+The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
+repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to
+leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella
+belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
+one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the
+man with shame and confusion.
+
+That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of
+his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the
+unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
+glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him
+charged with a withering scorn:
+
+"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up
+in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a
+thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out.
+He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone
+of deep regret:
+
+"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits,
+returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The
+girl looked at him inquiringly:
+
+"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.
+
+"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."
+
+The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man
+sat down on the steps to wait for himself.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the
+path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish,
+exclaiming:
+
+"I beg your pardon, madam."
+
+Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however,
+again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at
+another bend of the path.
+
+"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served
+several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback.
+One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his
+sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil,
+he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had
+spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
+
+
+ACQUAINTANCE
+
+The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
+carryall would hold.
+
+"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
+aquaint."
+
+
+ACTORS
+
+The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
+friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.
+
+"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
+anywhere from two to four pounds."
+
+
+ADVERTISING
+
+The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
+of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
+never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
+
+"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
+editor asked.
+
+"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
+
+In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in
+an obscure corner. It read:
+
+"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
+
+The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
+admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
+agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue,
+and this was:
+
+"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
+
+Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
+
+
+AFFECTION
+
+There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
+quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
+incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on
+calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro
+in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman
+spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his
+cheeks, interrupted loudly:
+
+"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it
+worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
+
+
+AGE
+
+The woman confessed to her crony:
+
+"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me
+by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."
+
+
+ALIBI
+
+The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
+ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain.
+Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
+cried:
+
+"John Henry, are you out there?"
+
+An answer came clearly:
+
+"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
+
+
+AMNESTY
+
+The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
+frown.
+
+"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I
+can't quite place you somehow."
+
+"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was
+a policeman."
+
+
+ANATOMY
+
+The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
+message in these words:
+
+"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
+was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
+scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was
+horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in
+her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:
+
+"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
+naughty Peck boy!"
+
+Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
+
+"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
+anybody?"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
+
+"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
+
+Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
+
+"With pleasure."
+
+
+APPETITE
+
+The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
+employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am Enoch, the egg king."
+
+"What is your specialty?"
+
+"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose
+eggs, at a single setting."
+
+"Do you know our program?"
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"We give four shows every day."
+
+"Oh, yes, I understand that."
+
+"And do you think you can do it?"
+
+"I know I can."
+
+"On Saturdays we give six shows."
+
+"All right."
+
+"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
+
+And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
+
+"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
+sign a contract."
+
+"What?"
+
+"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give
+me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
+insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he
+had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
+wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
+ponderous senatorial manner:
+
+"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other
+times, but never less."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
+to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
+
+"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
+tight--that's appetite!"
+
+
+APPRECIATION
+
+The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
+displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some
+surprise, and remarked:
+
+"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
+
+"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
+
+"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.
+"That's Wordsworth, the poet."
+
+The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
+
+"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for
+a study in wrinkles."
+
+
+ARGUMENT
+
+"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
+over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by
+the leg."
+
+"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
+
+"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
+
+
+ART
+
+An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
+telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
+mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and
+the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the
+forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
+remark:
+
+"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
+because, you see, we know the anecdote."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman
+which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
+
+"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
+with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
+name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and
+the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Tell me, does your husband snore?"
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
+snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.
+
+"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
+live hogs and----"
+
+His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
+
+"Don't talk shop."
+
+
+ATHLETICS
+
+The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
+after field day, at which she had been present.
+
+"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"
+
+Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.
+
+"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
+me."
+
+
+AUTHORS
+
+A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
+These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more
+especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he
+excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a
+window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in
+a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:
+
+"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."
+
+
+BABIES
+
+The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
+fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in
+its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed
+gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.
+
+"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.
+
+"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
+squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?
+
+"Porpoises," came one eager answer.
+
+But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:
+
+"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"
+
+
+BAIT
+
+A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
+colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
+fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
+and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
+victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
+that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of
+admiration for the prompt rescue.
+
+"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
+plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
+boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
+
+The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:
+
+"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had
+to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."
+
+
+BALDNESS
+
+A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
+
+"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
+
+"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill
+box.
+
+
+BAPTISM
+
+On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
+bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the
+christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled
+to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the
+font.
+
+"What name?" the clergyman whispered.
+
+The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained
+of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"
+
+The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:
+
+"What name?"
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.
+
+The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:
+
+"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of
+the Son and of the Holy Ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:
+
+"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in
+de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."
+
+
+BAPTISTS
+
+The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
+Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the
+reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.
+
+"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the
+service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey
+all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church,
+yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses
+can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you
+jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' so
+I jined."
+
+
+BASEBALL
+
+The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
+game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one
+little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
+him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth
+minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled
+a sentence. It ran thus:
+
+"Rain--no game."
+
+
+BATTLE
+
+_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
+slain?"
+
+_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
+
+
+BEARS
+
+The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
+everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
+gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small
+clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and
+opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its
+haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not
+usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.
+
+"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my
+side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is
+side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you
+jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you
+ever hearn tell on!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter
+who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.
+
+"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear
+about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."
+
+The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.
+
+"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had
+'em."
+
+
+BEER
+
+The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
+letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
+prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:
+
+"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do
+at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore
+gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half
+bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of
+it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without
+doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I
+could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
+brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
+the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
+answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
+doing it.
+
+P. S.--Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
+bere."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
+past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
+asked for an egg-shake.
+
+"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.
+
+
+BEGGARS
+
+The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
+profiteer:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."
+
+The mistress sniffed contemptuously:
+
+"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."
+
+
+
+BEGINNERS
+
+A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
+closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
+wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
+things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
+head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:
+
+"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
+rode in a taxi."
+
+The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:
+
+"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"
+
+
+
+BETROTHAL
+
+The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
+kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
+nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:
+
+"When are you to be married, Nora?"
+
+"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
+answered sadly.
+
+"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"
+
+The reply was explicit:
+
+"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
+me when he's sober."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
+presiding officer. The girl questioned him:
+
+"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"
+
+The answer was given with proud certainty:
+
+"Are you ready for the question?"
+
+"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."
+
+
+BIGAMY
+
+What is the penalty for bigamy?
+
+Two mothers-in-law.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three
+times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years.
+He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
+wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:
+
+"Will it be safe for me to come out?"
+
+
+BIRTH
+
+The little girl in the zooelogical park tossed bits of a bun to the
+stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for
+more.
+
+"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.
+
+The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.
+
+"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it
+recognized me!"
+
+
+BLESSING
+
+The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
+cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his
+appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million
+eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
+
+
+BLIND
+
+A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
+cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box
+disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
+chuckled, and pointed to the window.
+
+"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."
+
+
+BLINDNESS
+
+The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
+and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard
+during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.
+
+"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third
+time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."
+
+"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had
+my eyes shut, I missed it."
+
+
+BLOCKHEAD
+
+The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
+finger.
+
+"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch
+your head."
+
+
+BONE OF CONTENTION
+
+The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
+thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
+protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat
+fellow-passenger.
+
+"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.
+
+"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"
+
+"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.
+
+"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his
+hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the
+two disputants spoke sharply:
+
+"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your
+hands out of my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the
+conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man
+questioned him one day:
+
+"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.
+Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"
+
+"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro
+demanded.
+
+"Many times, of course," was the answer.
+
+The old negro chuckled as he said:
+
+"Did you ever see de bone fight?"
+
+"Well!--no!"
+
+"Dat's all! I'se de bone."
+
+
+BREAKFAST
+
+The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
+prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
+
+"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."
+
+"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.
+
+The Colonel explained:
+
+"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."
+
+"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.
+
+"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.
+
+
+BREVITY
+
+The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
+was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for
+five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
+going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon,
+he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five
+dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five
+dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
+stole two dollars.
+
+
+BRIBERY
+
+A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
+connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a
+rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to
+the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy
+bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
+On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe
+nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.
+
+"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.
+
+"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.
+
+"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
+
+"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for
+bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win
+the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
+
+
+BRUTALITY
+
+Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
+the conductor as referee.
+
+"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
+probably die."
+
+"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
+suffocate." The two glared at each other.
+
+The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
+red nose who sat near. These were:
+
+"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
+That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."
+
+
+BURGLARY
+
+A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
+established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
+mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
+
+"Guess who sent them."
+
+The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
+in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
+time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
+identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
+article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
+of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
+tickets:
+
+"Now you know!"
+
+
+CANDOR
+
+Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
+
+"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
+
+The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
+absent-mindedly:
+
+"Yes, you certainly do."
+
+"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to you
+again!"
+
+
+CALMNESS
+
+In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
+calmness in most trying circumstances.
+
+"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
+McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.
+
+"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
+expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
+agitation."
+
+
+CARDS
+
+A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
+left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
+the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
+hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
+grocer.
+
+"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
+hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
+
+
+CARELESSNESS
+
+The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
+lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
+
+"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of
+silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."
+
+
+CATERPILLARS
+
+The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
+hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the
+can, much perplexed.
+
+"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"
+
+"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin'
+'em climb the telegraph pole."
+
+
+CATS
+
+Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
+School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to
+animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much
+pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in
+the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by
+reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one
+morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror
+that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and
+was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
+been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to
+look out.
+
+"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor
+cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"
+
+Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he
+explained:
+
+"I was--but I lost my star."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher put a question to the class:
+
+"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"
+
+A number cried in unison:
+
+"Fur!"
+
+But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One
+pupil raised an eager hand:
+
+"I know, teacher--whiskers!"
+
+But another objector laughed scornfully.
+
+"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"
+
+The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't
+got whiskers."
+
+"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no
+good. My pa says----"
+
+The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl
+raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.
+
+"Kittens!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in
+which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not
+go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem
+to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
+
+"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for
+their harps?"
+
+
+CHARITY
+
+"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
+was passing.
+
+"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
+
+"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"
+
+
+CHICKEN-STEALING
+
+The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
+night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open
+and curtly ordered:
+
+"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"
+
+There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of
+the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:
+
+"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"
+
+
+CHRISTIANITY
+
+A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
+at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth.
+Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
+fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of
+savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:
+
+"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his
+knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.
+
+"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"
+
+
+CHRISTMAS
+
+A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
+colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the
+darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug
+of the best whiskey.
+
+The colored man spoke to the point:
+
+"Ah burns wood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few
+like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it
+was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
+snow, and wept bitterly.
+
+
+CHURCH
+
+The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
+contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the
+boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the
+pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
+"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any.
+But James was equal to the emergency:
+
+"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the
+seat."
+
+Which he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first
+time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the
+experience.
+
+"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain't
+no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes
+ob the previous meetin'."
+
+
+CLEANLINESS
+
+The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
+and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
+scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
+said:
+
+"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
+of the music teacher.
+
+"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"
+
+"On her side I did, mother."
+
+
+COMMUNITY
+
+The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
+girl, received information that led him to question her:
+
+"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed,
+George and Harry, as well as me?"
+
+The young lady assumed an air of disdain.
+
+"What is that to you?" she demanded.
+
+"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection,
+we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."
+
+
+COMPENSATION
+
+Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
+pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate
+in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:
+
+"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."
+
+
+COMPLIMENTS
+
+"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
+the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.
+
+"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a
+titter.
+
+The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:
+
+"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been
+introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather
+unfortunately:
+
+"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's
+pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court
+ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner.
+She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
+with her.
+
+"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness
+does me too great honor."
+
+The prince answered coldly:
+
+"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."
+
+
+CONCEALMENT
+
+The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
+coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to
+answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone
+down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the
+cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the
+door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
+When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered
+the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast
+a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy
+thus:
+
+"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her
+that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet
+along."
+
+
+CONCEIT
+
+"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
+in a tone that was far from humble.
+
+"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better
+than other folks' virtues."
+
+
+CONSCIENCE
+
+The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
+school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her
+sister, two years older:
+
+"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."
+
+"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your
+tummie."
+
+
+CONSTANCY
+
+His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
+whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with
+sufficient clearness:
+
+"I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my
+lips, that I--loved her--her alone--always.... And Jennie--tell
+Jennie--the same thing."
+
+
+CONVERSION
+
+A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
+convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was
+locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed
+and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the
+pious efforts in his behalf.
+
+"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the
+story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"
+
+"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord
+died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"
+
+"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier
+for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He
+knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"
+
+
+COOKERY
+
+The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
+should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently
+he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
+intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.
+
+"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the
+same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."
+
+
+COURTESY
+
+The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
+court-room. So, the judge directed him:
+
+"Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches."
+
+The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:
+
+"Good-morning, gentlemen."
+
+
+COWARDICE
+
+The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
+before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
+
+"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"
+
+"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."
+
+It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such
+violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her
+umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The
+trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer
+popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its
+shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars,
+shook her umbrella furiously.
+
+"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"
+
+
+CURIOSITY
+
+The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
+time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was
+withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot
+forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger
+in his mouth, and sucked it.
+
+"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.
+
+"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah
+was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."
+
+
+DAMAGES
+
+The child came to his mother in tears.
+
+"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."
+
+"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
+do it?"
+
+"I was pounding it with father's watch?"
+
+
+DANGER
+
+One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.
+
+
+DEAD CERTAINTY
+
+On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
+absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
+the funeral of her fiance. The mistress gave the required permission
+sympathetically.
+
+"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.
+
+"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
+The hanging ain't till Friday."
+
+
+DEAD MEN'S SHOES
+
+When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
+applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
+dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
+asking:
+
+"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"
+
+"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."
+
+
+DEAFNESS
+
+In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
+addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:
+
+"The show is very good, don't you think?"
+
+The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:
+
+"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
+ketches my breath."
+
+"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
+voice.
+
+Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.
+
+"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
+ground, which the others ain't."
+
+Now, the young man shouted:
+
+"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"
+
+At last the other understood.
+
+"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
+contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
+don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
+enough for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
+apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
+park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
+apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
+but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
+intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
+silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:
+
+"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I
+haven't heard a single word."
+
+The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the
+worried deaf man:
+
+"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'."
+
+
+DEDICATION
+
+The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
+genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.
+Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:
+
+"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all
+his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"
+
+
+DEFINITION
+
+The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
+"spine," at his teacher's request.
+
+"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set
+on the other."
+
+
+DEGREES IN DEGRADATION
+
+Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
+job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into
+the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
+waiter.
+
+"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."
+
+Phil May smiled, as he retorted:
+
+"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."
+
+
+DELAY
+
+A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
+cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of
+how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot
+to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while
+she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke
+thickly from her crowded mouth:
+
+"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some
+hollerin' as is hollerin'."
+
+
+DEVIL
+
+Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
+best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the
+wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was
+leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy
+with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.
+
+"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but
+the De'il's in my breeches!"
+
+
+DIET
+
+The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
+coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of
+the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
+The girl protested:
+
+"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most
+unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
+
+"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if
+they didn't eat fish!"
+
+
+DIGESTION
+
+In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
+products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very
+nervous.
+
+"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and
+rice and citron and chutney and--and----"
+
+There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a
+little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.
+
+"Yes, you may name any other products of India."
+
+"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."
+
+
+DIPLOMACY
+
+"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
+acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"
+
+"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about
+paying your little debts?"
+
+"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till
+Saturday."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for
+the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted
+had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of
+asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.
+
+When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a
+strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So,
+when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he
+came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:
+
+"Have you been begging cookies again?"
+
+"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this
+house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in
+the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy
+lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.
+
+"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the
+pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass
+the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n
+five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same
+age who had offered her his seat in the car.
+
+"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.
+
+"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a
+daughter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady
+in this story.
+
+At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished
+man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the
+listeners complimented her.
+
+"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my
+ignorance."
+
+The professor spoke gallantly.
+
+"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure
+you."
+
+
+DIRT
+
+We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
+past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his
+partner:
+
+"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their
+personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian _grande dame_ remarked to her
+hostess:
+
+"But how dirty your hands are."
+
+The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:
+
+"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"
+
+
+DISCIPLINE
+
+Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
+remonstrate with his mother.
+
+"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he
+demanded. His mother nodded assent.
+
+"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time
+'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes
+in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked
+his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he
+continued:
+
+"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"
+
+
+DISCRETION
+
+The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
+boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a
+sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
+removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken.
+The puzzled observer questioned the lad:
+
+"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of
+fussing with it like that?"
+
+The answer was explicit:
+
+"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."
+
+
+DIVORCE
+
+The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
+divorce.
+
+"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have
+to find with your husband."
+
+And the wife was explicit:
+
+"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
+
+"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty
+in proving all your assertions."
+
+"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."
+
+"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry
+him?"
+
+"I didn't know it before I married him."
+
+The husband interrupted angrily:
+
+"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"
+
+
+DOCTORS
+
+A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
+examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
+that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.
+
+"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
+great deal of experience with this disease."
+
+The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:
+
+"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen
+years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
+of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
+presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
+physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
+
+"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
+
+The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
+is my watch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
+honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
+blackboard in his class-room:
+
+"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
+honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
+
+When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
+below his notice this line:
+
+"God save the King."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
+as follows:
+
+"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
+more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think
+me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get
+well."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
+
+"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
+the other." He addressed one of the students:
+
+"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
+
+Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
+
+"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:
+
+"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick."
+
+"Is it serious?"
+
+"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
+what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
+mustn't do it."
+
+
+DOCTRINE
+
+In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
+important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
+to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
+particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
+text and introduced his sermon as follows:
+
+"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
+table, and he was lame on both his feet.'
+
+"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
+depravity.--Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
+depravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
+justification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
+adoption--'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the
+perseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
+table continually.'"
+
+
+DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE
+
+During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
+into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
+well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German,
+and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He
+pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:
+
+"V. Gates."
+
+
+DOGS
+
+The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
+at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet
+Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to
+muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.
+
+"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
+
+The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet,
+and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck
+and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
+
+"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical
+sentiment:
+
+"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail
+of the dachshund.
+
+"What's the big idea?" he inquired.
+
+"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me
+remember an errand."
+
+The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.
+
+"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was
+starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner.
+The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
+through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:
+
+"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little
+daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely
+from time to time.
+
+"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.
+
+The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the
+artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.
+
+"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it,
+and call it a dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:
+
+"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you
+shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to
+lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
+myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries
+and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed
+in time to get up again.
+
+"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and
+you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my
+vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty
+of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die,
+you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is
+obviously the case of the actor named in this story.
+
+The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog,
+a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as
+to the breed. The maid said:
+
+"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a
+full-blood Sam Bernard."
+
+
+DOMESTIC QUARRELS
+
+After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:
+
+"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"
+
+"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.
+
+"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"
+
+"Ah sho'ly is."
+
+"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.
+
+The explanation was simple and sufficient:
+
+"He died."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a
+passion finally declared:
+
+"I'm going home to my mother!"
+
+The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew
+out his pocketbook.
+
+"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your
+railroad fare."
+
+The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband
+scornfully:
+
+"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night,
+discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted
+by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
+and then remarked:
+
+"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his
+own wife is a-talkin' to him?"
+
+"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered
+response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off
+your mind."
+
+
+DOUBT
+
+Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
+had dealt with the sheep and the goats.
+
+"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb,
+and father calls me kid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it
+may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend
+glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this
+explanation was forthcoming:
+
+"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go
+to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."
+
+
+DRAMA
+
+The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
+at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical
+critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.
+
+"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"
+
+
+DREAMS
+
+The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
+dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned
+to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:
+
+"Do you believe that dreams come true?"
+
+"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed
+that I went paddling--and I had!"
+
+
+DRESS
+
+"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
+dress."
+
+"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.
+
+"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.
+
+The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:
+
+"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and
+laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."
+
+"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort
+until I married you."
+
+
+DRINK
+
+It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
+platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.
+
+As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted
+off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the
+conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his
+feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.
+
+"Collision?" he demanded.
+
+"No," the conductor answered.
+
+"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.
+
+"No," said the conductor again.
+
+"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have
+got off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On
+his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron
+rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing
+by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully
+holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last,
+he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and
+called aloud for succor:
+
+"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and
+regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two
+trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion
+of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried
+again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times,
+the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.
+
+"Lost--Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place
+overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred
+dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A
+disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that
+he was a professional rat-killer.
+
+"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
+
+"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
+
+When this had been provided:
+
+"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
+
+Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
+
+"Now show me the cellar."
+
+An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs
+and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he
+shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in
+air and shouted:
+
+"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to
+meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's
+revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:
+
+"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"
+
+The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:
+
+"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern
+gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also
+notorious for his bibulous habits.
+
+"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk
+one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes
+throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half
+a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:
+
+"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
+prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous
+acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
+strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some
+thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
+It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued
+and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor
+did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on
+its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:
+
+"Now, bring on your cat!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a
+fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following
+year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old
+man shook his head dolefully.
+
+"I've nae worn it since the accident."
+
+"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."
+
+"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather
+freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either
+could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer
+spoke savagely:
+
+"Dang yer hide, git up thar--or I'll drive smack over ye!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal,
+and she spoke with a purr that was catty:
+
+"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"
+
+And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:
+
+"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon
+in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he
+encountered a teetotaler friend.
+
+The friend exclaimed mournfully:
+
+"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
+
+The bibulous one wept sympathetically.
+
+"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the
+Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.
+
+"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a
+dozen Bibles in the whole state."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made
+gallant inquiries.
+
+"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."
+
+"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
+confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
+days don't know what he dare eat or drink."
+
+
+DRUGGED
+
+The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
+had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
+After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
+made the arrest.
+
+"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
+drugged."
+
+The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:
+
+"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
+station."
+
+
+DUTY
+
+The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
+to the conductor:
+
+"Can't you go any faster than this?"
+
+"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
+
+
+EASY LIVING
+
+The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
+eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
+feeling:
+
+"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
+with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
+niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
+crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
+sheriff."
+
+
+ECONOMY
+
+One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
+opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
+next section, and so on.
+
+The other Japanese registered scorn.
+
+"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
+lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
+Then I wave my head."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
+that would keep a man looking shabby."
+
+Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."
+
+
+EFFICIENCY
+
+In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
+will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
+interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
+importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:
+
+"Can you do fancy cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do plain cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you sew?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do general housework?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"
+
+"I milk reindeer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe
+disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a
+perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully
+melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their
+professional public performance.
+
+"Have you any glue?"
+
+The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.
+
+"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the
+relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.
+
+But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad
+smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:
+
+"I found a tack."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central
+America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of
+way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected
+line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:
+
+"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"
+
+"Three days, _senor_," was the answer.
+
+"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will
+be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to
+return home on the same day."
+
+"Very good, _senor_," the native agreed courteously.
+
+"But, _senor_, what shall we do with the other two days?"
+
+
+EGGS
+
+The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
+poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically.
+His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was
+instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and
+the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.
+
+"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why
+you should want to leave."
+
+"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'
+never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'
+hens."
+
+
+EGOTISM
+
+The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
+
+"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."
+
+"What's the matter now?"
+
+The pessimist answered dolefully:
+
+"Don't you see that it is raining?"
+
+
+ELEPHANT
+
+A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
+had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an
+Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
+animal thereabouts.
+
+"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an
+inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."
+
+
+ELOPEMENT
+
+Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
+asked eagerly for details.
+
+"What about her father? Did he catch you?"
+
+"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that
+the old boy is living with us still."
+
+
+ENOUGH
+
+The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
+open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he
+slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:
+
+"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."
+
+The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.
+
+"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss--I done got a quarter."
+
+
+EPITAPH
+
+In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
+which runs thus:
+
+"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was
+accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."
+
+
+EVIDENCE
+
+The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
+arrested for chicken-stealing:
+
+"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been
+all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women
+folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey
+had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial
+evidence."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd
+reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on
+the road.
+
+"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"
+
+"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'
+when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to
+myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.
+
+"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until
+daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty
+dollars for a new hat."
+
+
+EXCLUSIVENESS
+
+One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
+colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister
+that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
+suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
+make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the
+darky encountered the minister.
+
+"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent
+me an answer las' night."
+
+"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did
+the Lord say?"
+
+"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole
+Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't
+git in dere. Ah know you can't--'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat
+chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"
+
+
+EXPECTANCY
+
+An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
+But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been
+removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he
+called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for
+another job.
+
+"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.
+
+Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch
+was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.
+
+"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.
+
+"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.
+
+Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster
+up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short
+interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike
+reproachfully.
+
+"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded
+in his voice.
+
+"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to
+bounce!"
+
+
+EXPENSE ACCOUNT
+
+The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:
+
+"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
+cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."
+
+The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the
+final clause.
+
+"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double
+her wages."
+
+
+EXPERIENCE
+
+The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
+mother soothed the weeping boy:
+
+"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the
+room.
+
+She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.
+
+"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
+
+"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."
+
+
+EXPERTS
+
+There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
+pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
+had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
+as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
+right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
+loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:
+
+"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
+you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
+full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
+rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."
+
+
+EXPLICITNESS
+
+On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
+displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her
+pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to
+do so.
+
+"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure
+and take that pill."
+
+"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me
+where to take it to."
+
+
+EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
+jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches
+square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
+of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.
+
+But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She
+turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a
+critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her
+comment:
+
+"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly,
+the thing looks skimpy--decidedly skimpy!"
+
+For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.
+
+
+FACTS
+
+The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:
+
+"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."
+
+The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:
+
+"Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."
+
+
+FASHION
+
+After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
+came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed
+thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:
+
+"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent
+clothes."
+
+"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same
+kind the other women are wearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+     "The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,
+       "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,
+     "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,
+       "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"
+
+       But not the modern woman!
+
+
+
+FAVORS
+
+At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.
+
+"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
+wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his
+first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza
+died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum,
+it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time
+a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."
+
+
+FIGHTING
+
+The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:
+
+"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."
+
+The father nodded gravely.
+
+"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."
+
+The little boy's face brightened.
+
+"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"
+
+
+FINANCE
+
+A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
+the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who
+she was, and what her mission:
+
+"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama,
+she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay
+some bills."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The successful financier snorted contemptuously.
+
+"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."
+
+"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
+
+"What way is that?" the financier demanded.
+
+"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent financier was discoursing.
+
+"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people
+want."
+
+"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."
+
+The financier shook his head contemptuously.
+
+"No--to corner it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:
+
+"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign,
+_Bank_. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a
+deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
+deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my
+confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty
+dollars of my own money."
+
+
+FINANCIERS
+
+"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.
+
+"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are
+in jail, too."
+
+
+FISHING
+
+The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
+tuna fishing.
+
+"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less
+than a hundred pounds is poor sport."
+
+The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:
+
+"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"
+
+The congressman nodded.
+
+"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch
+one?"
+
+
+FLATTERY
+
+An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
+car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the
+statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got
+out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The
+dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the
+statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him
+wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable
+and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the
+culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:
+
+"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."
+
+The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme
+scorn, and hissed:
+
+"Sir, you flatter yourself!"
+
+
+FLEAS
+
+The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
+by the distinguished statesman.
+
+"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.
+
+Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant
+smile.
+
+"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before
+we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."
+
+
+FLIRTATION
+
+The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
+another guest, who had just paused beside him:
+
+"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling
+at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an
+iceberg."
+
+"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."
+
+
+FLOOD
+
+The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
+the man beside him at the counter.
+
+"Awful rainy spell--like the flood."
+
+"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
+
+"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
+
+The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled
+thickly:
+
+"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."
+
+
+FLOWERS
+
+Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--
+
+
+     "An attachment _a la_ Plato
+     For a bashful young potato."
+
+
+Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not
+look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.
+Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following
+paragraph:
+
+"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was
+solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest son
+of Mr. and Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations."
+
+
+FOG
+
+The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could
+hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he
+found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
+through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.
+
+"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.
+
+A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:
+
+"Into the river--I've just come out!"
+
+
+FOLLIES
+
+A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
+astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down
+the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.
+The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would
+only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they
+should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would
+surely run after them.
+
+
+FOOD
+
+The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
+concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north
+would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical
+time.
+
+A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
+comment as the speaker paused:
+
+"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."
+
+The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.
+
+"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any
+calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.
+
+"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
+day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."
+
+
+FOREHANDEDNESS
+
+The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
+had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.
+
+
+FORESIGHT
+
+The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
+the mistress preferred the west wall.
+
+The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was
+left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.
+
+"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here
+again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."
+
+
+FORGETFULNESS
+
+The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
+shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
+slouching past him.
+
+"Hi, you! where are you going?"
+
+"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid
+dis-heah plank."
+
+"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.
+
+The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his
+own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed
+good-naturedly:
+
+"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean
+forgitted dat plank!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of
+drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential,
+and exhibited a string tied around a finger.
+
+"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told
+me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied
+that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember
+what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"
+
+A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.
+
+"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to
+remind you of?"
+
+The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:
+
+"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and
+then my wife told me what the string was for all right--she certainly
+did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind
+me to be sure to come home early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the
+candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the
+congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she
+addressed in a strenuous whisper:
+
+"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as
+fast as you can, and fetch the baby."
+
+
+FORM
+
+The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
+company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room
+all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a
+letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was
+greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he
+happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through
+error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:
+
+"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday
+in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning
+the bride:
+
+"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"
+
+The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:
+
+"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure
+would have given her three or four more passes."
+
+
+FRAUD
+
+The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
+He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of
+radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
+the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real
+diamond.
+
+"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP
+
+The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
+downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very
+miserable and lonely indeed.
+
+"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.
+
+The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:
+
+"I have one friend--but I hate him!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his
+traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the
+congregation. The letter opened in this form:
+
+"Dear Friends:
+
+"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so
+well."
+
+
+FRENCH
+
+An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
+his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He
+discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to
+the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he
+could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great
+emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:
+
+"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitte ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas ou le
+trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route a la train?"
+
+"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak
+French, either."
+
+
+FUSSINESS
+
+The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
+could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and
+the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush,
+nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his
+operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:
+
+"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to
+yerself?"
+
+
+GENDER
+
+It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
+following question, because they are not always learned in the Old
+Testament.
+
+"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah,
+what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"
+
+Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab,
+necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah
+was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever
+to do with the case.
+
+
+GENTLEMAN
+
+There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
+the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in
+prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
+gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A
+contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:
+
+"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
+
+"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"
+
+
+GEOGRAPHY
+
+The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
+completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
+Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had
+arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
+assembled. The answer was explicit:
+
+"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."
+
+
+GHOSTS
+
+There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
+the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named
+Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts,
+and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid,
+he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other
+darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not,
+however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance
+after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to
+the haunted house for the night.
+
+When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was
+found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing
+negro.
+
+But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud
+and evidently worn with fatigue.
+
+"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de
+las' foh days?"
+
+And Sam answered simply:
+
+"Ah's been comin' back."
+
+
+GOD
+
+The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a
+sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with
+considerable pride:
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of God."
+
+"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen
+God. No one knows how God looks."
+
+"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they
+will."
+
+
+GOD'S WILL
+
+The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
+mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
+he attempted to reassure her:
+
+"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
+it's deader 'n dead."
+
+His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
+to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:
+
+"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"
+
+
+GOLF
+
+The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
+he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new
+boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.
+
+"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.
+
+"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what
+the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be
+worse even than you are."
+
+"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.
+
+And the caddy replied:
+
+"Arbuthnot-Joyce."
+
+
+GRACE
+
+The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
+the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy
+was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only
+from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed,
+but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too,
+he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his
+protest, however, the father insisted.
+
+So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed
+his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:
+
+"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady
+of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from
+Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
+
+"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise
+the Lord! I practise it!"
+
+
+GRAMMAR
+
+The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
+window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby
+brother close by on the curb.
+
+"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.
+
+The little girl corrected the lady:
+
+"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.
+"No, I ain't going," was the reply.
+
+The teacher corrected the child:
+
+"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
+And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
+are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
+say all that?"
+
+The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
+
+"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:
+
+"Them hain't the boots what was stole."
+
+The judge rebuked the witness sternly:
+
+"Speak grammatic, young man--speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to
+say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots
+as was stealed.'"
+
+
+GRASS
+
+The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
+enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
+shouted:
+
+"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that
+grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would
+have given two hundred dollars an acre for."
+
+
+GREED
+
+An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
+the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her
+realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could
+not be fully paid for, she continued:
+
+"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself
+have embroidered."
+
+The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the
+physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:
+
+"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
+
+"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
+
+"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
+
+The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put
+back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her
+departure.
+
+
+GRIEF
+
+At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
+grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other
+mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.
+
+The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower
+on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by
+the man.
+
+"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband
+inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued
+proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I
+cut up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who
+found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.
+
+"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and
+cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll
+begin again, and probably keep it up all day."
+
+
+HABIT
+
+It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
+second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony
+entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no
+effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he
+directed them, "Please, stand up."
+
+The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him,
+and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their
+decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:
+
+"We have ginerally sot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times
+in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League,
+an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court
+in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room
+at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their
+accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the
+dock.
+
+
+HAIR
+
+The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
+Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she
+commented:
+
+"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you
+want an extry puff."
+
+
+HARD TO PLEASE
+
+The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
+beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and
+rumbled in a threatening bass voice:
+
+"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done
+it."
+
+The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:
+
+"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."
+
+"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And
+why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."
+
+
+HASTE
+
+The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
+set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had
+failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for
+executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
+urgent need:
+
+"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on
+Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."
+
+
+HEARSAY
+
+The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
+that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading
+false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the
+governor:
+
+"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a
+lie."
+
+
+HEAVEN
+
+The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
+he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true
+enough.
+
+A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:
+
+"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"
+
+"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in
+heaven!"
+
+
+HELP
+
+The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
+chanced along inquired:
+
+"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
+
+"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore
+thumb."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
+men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
+tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
+desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
+Finally, the man shouted between gasps:
+
+"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
+old hog!"
+
+
+HELPFULNESS
+
+Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
+following story.
+
+A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
+and explained himself and his business there as follows:
+
+"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
+will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
+yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
+
+It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
+sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
+interview that official.
+
+After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
+office of the registrar.
+
+"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of
+water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
+and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
+
+The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
+that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
+
+"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
+I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
+O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
+
+
+HEN
+
+The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
+said:
+
+"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
+
+"But I don't see any hen."
+
+The clerk explained patiently.
+
+"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."
+
+
+HEREAFTER
+
+This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:
+
+"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
+
+"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."
+
+"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased
+to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.
+
+"And candy, too, mamma?"
+
+The mother shook her head.
+
+"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."
+
+
+HEREDITY
+
+The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
+concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
+excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
+
+"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child
+teasingly.
+
+The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
+
+"He looks just like his muvver."
+
+
+HIGH PRICES
+
+Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:
+
+"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"
+
+The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases,
+answered cynically:
+
+"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."
+
+
+HINDSIGHT
+
+Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
+morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with
+the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later
+with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into
+a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:
+
+"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"
+
+Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls,
+and shook his head.
+
+"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible
+twisted."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as
+it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the
+intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned
+for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over
+the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
+
+"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"
+
+
+HINTING
+
+A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
+delinquent subscribers to the paper:
+
+"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly
+forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have
+not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary in
+our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch
+remi$$ne$$."
+
+
+HISTORY
+
+The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
+the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed
+that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
+subject protested:
+
+"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the
+faculty declared.
+
+The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:
+
+"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very
+difficult study, and most perplexing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast
+was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was
+very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most
+of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the
+Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite
+narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was
+as follows:
+
+"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks.
+Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way,
+an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'
+when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im,
+an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de
+time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"
+
+
+HOGS
+
+The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
+which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
+somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
+the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
+feature. He received the following reply:
+
+"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
+sure to come."
+
+
+HOLDING HIS OWN
+
+The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
+all and sundry:
+
+"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I
+haven't nothin' now."
+
+
+HOME BREW
+
+The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.
+
+"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a
+question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"
+
+The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:
+
+"Anything!"
+
+And she fell into his arms.
+
+
+HOMESICKNESS
+
+One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
+under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in
+France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant
+discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The
+officer spoke roughly:
+
+"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"
+
+"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive
+voice.
+
+"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?
+What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"
+
+"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a
+choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"
+
+
+HONEYMOON
+
+The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
+groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.
+She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the
+door, on which she tapped daintily.
+
+"I'm back, honey--let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But
+there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more
+firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:
+
+"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"
+
+Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:
+
+"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"
+
+
+HONORABLE INTENTIONS
+
+A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
+a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it
+time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father
+interviewed him:
+
+"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics,
+an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now,
+Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"
+
+And Clinton responded unabashed:
+
+"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for
+you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable--but remote."
+
+
+HOSPITAL
+
+Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
+an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go
+to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave
+during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be
+found.
+
+As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse
+heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:
+
+"It's a bum way to get a cat."
+
+
+HOSPITALITY
+
+The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
+pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away
+from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
+he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the
+lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find
+it?"
+
+The boy replied with a flush of pride:
+
+"In the rat-trap."
+
+
+HUMBUG
+
+Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
+body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper
+and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
+monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.
+
+"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the
+spokesman asked.
+
+The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at
+the boys.
+
+"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.
+
+The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:
+
+"Oh, yes, sir."
+
+"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."
+
+
+HUMIDITY
+
+The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
+when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
+Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.
+
+"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
+is----'" He halted at a loss.
+
+"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.
+
+"Is damp."
+
+
+HUMILITY
+
+The slow suitor asked:
+
+"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"
+
+"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
+dearest, I accept."
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+"That woman never turns away a hungry man."
+
+"Ah, genuinely charitable!"
+
+"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
+a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"
+
+
+HUNTING
+
+An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
+game. A friend twitted him with his failure:
+
+"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"
+
+The honest fellow nodded miserably.
+
+"I shot my dog."
+
+"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"
+
+The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"
+
+
+IDENTITY
+
+The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
+who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.
+
+"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
+introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."
+
+The woman stared at him disdainfully.
+
+"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
+strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
+know you."
+
+
+IDIOMS
+
+The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
+expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
+distinguished statesman.
+
+"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
+kick the ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
+standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.
+
+"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
+paused.
+
+The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
+reminiscence:
+
+"He kicked the bucket."
+
+
+ILLUSTRATION
+
+Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
+saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
+injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the
+novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.
+
+"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.
+
+"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this
+when,--bejabers, there's another gone!"
+
+
+IMPATIENCE
+
+An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
+concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and
+spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:
+
+"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how
+she'd git well, or somethin'."
+
+
+IMPUDENCE
+
+The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
+skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
+lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
+asked:
+
+"Are you going out to-day, sir?"
+
+"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"
+
+"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
+your wooden leg to play hockey."
+
+
+INDIRECTION
+
+The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:
+
+"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously
+consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"
+
+
+INHERITANCE
+
+A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
+working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.
+
+"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.
+
+"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County
+Mayo?"
+
+"I did that."
+
+"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"
+
+"They was."
+
+"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole,
+that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty
+thousand dollars."
+
+There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.
+
+"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.
+
+"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the
+foreman."
+
+It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to
+expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to
+satisfy a huge inherited thirst.
+
+Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought
+him out again.
+
+"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained.
+"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."
+
+O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great
+weariness.
+
+"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I
+wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and
+live."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered
+to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:
+
+"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"
+
+A voice came down from the gallery:
+
+"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said one Tommy to another:
+
+"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"
+
+"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"
+was the answer. "Inherited it from him."
+
+
+INITIATIVE
+
+The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
+mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
+
+"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."
+
+"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added
+proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."
+
+
+INJUSTICE
+
+The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
+the matter.
+
+"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.
+
+"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.
+
+The child bawled the louder.
+
+"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."
+
+
+INNOCENCE
+
+A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
+closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a
+desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:
+
+"I wants to tum in, Sissy."
+
+"But you tan't tum in, Tom."
+
+"But I wants to."
+
+"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see
+little girls in their nightie gowns."
+
+There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy
+reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:
+
+"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to
+admire the baby, and asked how old it was.
+
+"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.
+
+And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:
+
+"And is it your youngest?"
+
+
+INQUISITIVENESS
+
+In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
+sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort
+to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:
+
+"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."
+
+The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and
+felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.
+
+"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate
+had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
+
+"Well, yes, I did."
+
+"Had an accident, I suppose?"
+
+"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
+
+"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the
+back for?"
+
+"Just for minding my own business."
+
+
+INSOMNIA
+
+The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
+the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.
+
+
+INSULT
+
+The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
+day's work.
+
+"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"
+
+"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"
+
+"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.
+
+The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.
+
+"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred
+miles away."
+
+"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning,
+and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened
+it."
+
+"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.
+
+"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it,
+except----"
+
+"Except what?"
+
+"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult--that was
+to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.--Dear Ella, don't fail
+to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he
+had been insulted by a deacon of his church.
+
+"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin
+explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said,
+'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"
+
+
+INSURANCE
+
+The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
+paid, etc.
+
+"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
+house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
+start?"
+
+"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.
+
+The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.
+
+"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
+catch in it."
+
+
+INTERMISSION
+
+During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
+announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the
+audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:
+
+"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the
+lecture."
+
+
+INVENTORS
+
+The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
+looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and
+remarked enviously:
+
+"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that
+feller Vacuum has cleared millions."
+
+
+ITEMS
+
+The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
+various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:
+
+
+     Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments            6.00
+     Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon
+       on his bonnet                                       3.06
+     Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and
+       mended his bill                                     4.08
+     Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and
+       straightened his eye                                2.06
+     Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian
+       Angel                                               5.06
+     Washed the servant of the High Priest and put
+       carmine on his cheeks                               2.04
+     Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the
+       sun and cleaned the moon                            8.02
+     Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored
+       some souls                                          3.06
+     Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the
+       devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
+       jobs for the damned                                 4.10
+     Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and
+       dressing on his sack                                2.00
+     Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his
+       wig                                                 3.07
+     Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him        2.08
+     Put earrings in the ears of Sarah                     5.00
+     Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's
+       hand and extended his legs                          2.00
+     Decorated Noah's Ark                                  1.20
+     Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned
+       the pigs                                            1.00
+                                                          -----
+                                                          53.83
+
+
+JOKES
+
+The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
+abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they
+insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the
+entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
+conundrum:
+
+"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"
+
+When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:
+
+"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."
+
+
+KINSHIP
+
+The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
+explanation:
+
+"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's
+a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a
+raid made on the chicken-house during the night.
+
+"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me
+you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the
+chickens."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky
+features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de
+men."
+
+"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.
+
+Matilda wept.
+
+"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I
+wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in
+de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his
+ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh
+him."
+
+
+KISSES
+
+The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
+clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:
+
+"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"
+
+The clergyman might have replied:
+
+"Not yet, but soon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man addressed the old grouch:
+
+"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given
+her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow
+kiss her good-night?"
+
+The old grouch snorted.
+
+"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."
+
+
+KISSING
+
+The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
+between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it
+was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose
+to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was
+not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the
+question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So,
+they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively
+tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a period
+of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:
+
+"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped.... Let's try it
+again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the
+child up, with the remark:
+
+"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."
+
+The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he
+was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:
+
+"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness
+with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded
+of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
+Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips
+from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking
+girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
+cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and
+solemnly:
+
+"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does
+not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to
+be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to
+choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those
+that squeak under the operation."
+
+
+LAUGHTER
+
+Josh Billings said:
+
+"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."
+
+
+LAW
+
+The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:
+
+"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits
+you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what
+the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."
+
+
+LAWYERS
+
+There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
+forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf
+of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
+as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a
+ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the
+prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large
+roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.
+
+"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.
+
+"In the county jail."
+
+"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's
+bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side,
+declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet,
+lawyers as a class enjoy good health.
+
+
+LEGERDEMAIN
+
+"What did you do last night?"
+
+"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
+offered her my hand, and she slighted it."
+
+
+LENT
+
+"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.
+
+"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
+dollars for a new Easter bonnet."
+
+
+LIARS
+
+The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
+of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were
+especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of
+Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a
+furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was
+permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:
+
+"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for
+a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet
+to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to
+come home to see her an' the children."
+
+The colonel shook his head decisively.
+
+"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think
+you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She
+doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk,
+and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until
+your term of service expires."
+
+"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went
+to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.
+
+"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after
+pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"
+
+"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.
+
+"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so
+to spake?"
+
+"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."
+
+"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
+prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
+the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."
+
+
+LIES
+
+A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
+observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
+he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
+that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
+following effect:
+
+"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
+farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
+ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
+and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
+forehead between the ears."
+
+The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
+Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:
+
+"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the
+truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
+you are all wide-awake."
+
+
+LIGHTNING
+
+The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
+afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
+delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
+broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
+elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:
+
+"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
+feathers are splendid non-conductors."
+
+
+LISP
+
+The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:
+
+"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"
+
+"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
+panth."
+
+
+LITERAL
+
+The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
+they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
+was really in them. The star production from this command was a
+composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
+ran as follows:
+
+"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
+in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
+and my dinner."
+
+
+LITERALNESS
+
+The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
+village, and inquired:
+
+"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"
+
+"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid
+cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."
+
+
+LOGIC
+
+The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
+the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was
+both puzzled and distressed.
+
+"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.
+
+"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.
+
+"What about, little man?"
+
+"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"
+
+"Why, no! Of course not, dear."
+
+The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of
+trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
+
+"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."
+
+
+LOQUACITY
+
+The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
+exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy
+surveyed the lie, and muttered:
+
+"Dormie."
+
+Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:
+
+"Chatter-r-rbox!"
+
+
+LOVE
+
+The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
+love:
+
+"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things
+after each other."
+
+
+LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT
+
+The little girl came in tears to her mother.
+
+"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.
+
+"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come
+to get such an idea?"
+
+"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with
+a daisy."
+
+
+LUCK
+
+The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
+the general cussedness of things:
+
+"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things
+will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever
+takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the
+luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very
+expensive restaurant.
+
+"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that
+small piece of potato, and there it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as
+follows:
+
+"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the
+bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.
+
+"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.
+
+"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
+for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."
+
+
+LUNACY
+
+The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
+bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
+the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
+clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:
+
+"Caught anything?"
+
+The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.
+
+"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.
+
+"Three hours," was the answer.
+
+The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:
+
+"Come inside!"
+
+
+LUXURY
+
+The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
+his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:
+
+"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
+'Time for the parade, sir.'
+
+"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
+again."
+
+
+LYING
+
+The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
+
+"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
+town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
+train and pay him the money."
+
+"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
+want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
+tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon
+him the enormity of his offense.
+
+"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
+tell falsehoods?"
+
+The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
+carefully:
+
+"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
+center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
+told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
+sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
+falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"
+
+Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.
+
+"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"
+
+
+MAIDENS
+
+"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
+married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.
+
+"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
+you're going to marry."
+
+
+MAIDEN SPEECH
+
+The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:
+
+"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
+the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and
+began like this:
+
+"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."
+
+
+MANNERS
+
+It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
+Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian
+church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince
+drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."
+
+"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;
+certainly, it is a complete explanation."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the
+lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer
+for the cup.
+
+"What about the saucer?" he asked.
+
+The girl explained:
+
+"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not,
+some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't
+good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car
+made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and,
+when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:
+
+"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry
+you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick
+lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"
+
+
+MARKSMANSHIP
+
+During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
+skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in
+the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
+pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.
+
+"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.
+
+"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."
+
+"Whereabouts shot?"
+
+"In the laig."
+
+"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.
+
+
+MARRIAGE
+
+Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from
+the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.
+
+"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first
+meet this woman who has thus abused you?"
+
+The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he
+replied:
+
+"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook
+me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:
+
+
+                 _Wanted_
+     Small nicely furnished house, nice
+        locality, from August 1st, for
+        nearly married couple.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing
+young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There
+was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled,
+but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:
+
+"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her
+colored cook.
+
+"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
+But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."
+
+"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully.
+"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in
+spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in
+the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.
+
+"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy
+she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the
+dollar he had borrowed the week before.
+
+"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar
+back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"
+
+"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never
+mind, since you are as mean as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood,
+rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate
+purpose:
+
+"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I
+ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A
+married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man
+was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before
+the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
+
+"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
+
+"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
+
+The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
+
+"I am!" she snapped.
+
+"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his
+own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:
+
+"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl
+had left to be married.
+
+"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.
+
+The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:
+
+"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's
+sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to
+the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the
+lady.
+
+"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the
+change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.
+
+"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk
+nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:
+
+"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There
+ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week
+after the burial of his deceased helpmate.
+
+"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in
+years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'
+smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her
+duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a
+cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But
+dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty
+peart."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain
+wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl
+on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired
+concerning it:
+
+"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"
+
+"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob
+de season."
+
+"Did you receive handsome presents?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."
+
+"And was your house nicely decorated?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a
+white-folks' weddin', yes'm."
+
+"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"
+
+"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal
+dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."
+
+"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"
+
+"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up
+at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"
+
+
+MERIT
+
+Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
+ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:
+
+"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer
+meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."
+
+Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.
+
+"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does
+ye such credit."
+
+
+MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+
+The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
+brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the
+colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention
+to him whatever.
+
+"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.
+
+The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or
+mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit.
+But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.
+
+"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold
+this pie while I present arms."
+
+
+MISCELLANY
+
+It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
+seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be
+repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were
+discovered:
+
+Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons,
+thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and
+seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven
+cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
+homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum,
+fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two
+switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which
+apparently had bitten each other.
+
+
+MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
+pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
+to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
+a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
+from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
+hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
+startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
+scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:
+
+"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
+to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
+him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
+filled the whole car:
+
+"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."
+
+The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:
+
+"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."
+
+"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
+speaking to my niece behind you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him
+in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they
+were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her
+knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the
+woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she
+perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he
+was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street,
+and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of
+her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the
+door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her
+pursuer angrily:
+
+"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"
+
+The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the
+train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He
+explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake
+easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
+
+The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In
+a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled
+state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the
+furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or
+excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the
+outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and
+muttered:
+
+"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special
+baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in
+the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be
+brought to the church at that time.
+
+The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking
+of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:
+
+"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar,
+or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the
+little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but
+the mother comforted her, saying:
+
+"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
+
+A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the
+room.
+
+"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some
+instructions:
+
+"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say
+you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."
+
+It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in
+that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is
+also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her
+origin, the child hesitated, and then said:
+
+"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house
+of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to
+the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door
+by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After
+the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the
+health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now
+misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
+he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
+who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
+winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
+at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
+explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her
+guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
+looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
+Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
+condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
+quiet.
+
+
+MISMATED
+
+A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
+ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
+himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
+lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
+went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
+shouted:
+
+"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"
+
+
+MIXED METAPHORS
+
+A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
+the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
+in announcement of his mother's death:
+
+"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
+bucket."
+
+
+MODESTY
+
+A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
+weekly wrote:
+
+"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
+quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
+people."
+
+
+MONEY TALKS
+
+The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
+most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
+contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
+elderly gentleman replied benignantly:
+
+"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
+
+The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
+
+"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
+worth hearin'."
+
+
+MONEY VALUE
+
+A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
+guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
+one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
+viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents.
+In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown
+on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to
+just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
+pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:
+
+"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."
+
+
+MONOGAMY
+
+The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:
+
+"And you never let your husband beat you?"
+
+"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to
+try such a thing!"
+
+The oldest wife nodded understandingly.
+
+"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."
+
+
+MONOTONY
+
+The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
+
+"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
+
+"Why, dear, do you want one?"
+
+The child nodded seriously.
+
+"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."
+
+
+MORALITY
+
+The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
+neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
+
+"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the
+Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't
+any lawn-mower."
+
+
+MOSQUITOES
+
+The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
+fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat
+peeved.
+
+"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."
+
+"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of
+mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method
+by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before
+prohibition.
+
+"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy
+splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely
+intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull
+creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so
+completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner
+nobody!"
+
+
+MOTTO
+
+Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
+in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
+
+"_Ici on parle francais_."
+
+"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the
+observers remarked.
+
+To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a
+red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.
+
+One of the men addressed the barkeeper:
+
+"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."
+
+The barkeeper scowled.
+
+"Come agin!" he demanded.
+
+It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the
+establishment.
+
+The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window,
+explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."
+
+The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.
+
+"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it
+was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"
+
+
+MUSIC
+
+Artemas Ward said:
+
+"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants
+where music was provided.
+
+"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget
+the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the
+porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
+The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
+village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The
+young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and
+presently she spoke eagerly:
+
+"Oh, don't it sound grand!"
+
+The young man nodded, and answered:
+
+"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with
+their hind legs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult
+concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:
+During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the
+performer, and whispered loudly:
+
+"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was
+compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His
+stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
+patron snorted, and then asked:
+
+"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"
+
+The leader bowed again and beamed.
+
+"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."
+
+"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of
+checkers while I finish my meal."
+
+
+NEATNESS
+
+The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
+remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was
+continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which
+he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance,
+which read:
+
+"Please wipe your feet."
+
+The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:
+
+"On going out."
+
+
+NEIGHBORS
+
+It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
+eminent basso to sing.
+
+"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your
+neighbors."
+
+"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our
+dog last week."
+
+
+NERVES
+
+The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
+cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly
+tucked in, the little one commented:
+
+"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."
+
+
+NIGHTMARE
+
+"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
+inquired. "What is it?"
+
+The suffering man answered:
+
+"I dream that I'm married."
+
+"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
+
+"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
+nightmare."
+
+The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
+did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
+that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
+marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.
+
+
+NOMENCLATURE
+
+The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
+the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
+mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
+described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:
+
+"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
+an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
+her critically, and then demanded:
+
+"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"
+
+"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
+stripped for 'gym.'"
+
+The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:
+
+"Who in thunder is Jim?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
+the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
+society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the
+mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
+amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
+and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
+observation:
+
+"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
+often wondered--what are Keats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
+business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
+that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
+after the following episode.
+
+A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
+display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
+was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:
+
+"Where are your sideboards?"
+
+The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:
+
+"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
+adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
+earthquake.
+
+"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
+everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
+sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.
+
+"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
+the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
+anyhow?"
+
+"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
+they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
+inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.
+
+"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him."
+
+"Nor _Huck Finn_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him neither."
+
+"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"
+
+"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."
+
+And then he added sadly:
+
+"An' that's all the good it done me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
+was uncertain as to just what he was:
+
+"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
+the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
+he says I'm the sacrilege."
+
+
+OBSTINACY
+
+The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
+the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing
+there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
+head.
+
+"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.
+
+"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."
+
+The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train
+moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance
+when the wife inquired slyly:
+
+"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"
+
+The old man shook his head more violently than before.
+
+"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"
+
+
+OMEN
+
+The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
+waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
+explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in
+the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.
+
+"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."
+
+
+OPTICAL ILLUSION
+
+The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:
+
+"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"
+
+"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly
+surprised.
+
+"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason
+why."
+
+"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was
+a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must
+have shaved somebody else."
+
+
+OPTIMISM
+
+The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
+seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus,
+after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the
+ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a
+fellow laborer:
+
+"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."
+
+Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:
+
+"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my
+teeth at home, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the
+fourth story, he was overheard muttering:
+
+"So far, so good!"
+
+
+ORIENTATION
+
+John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
+two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were
+much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird
+fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his
+servant:
+
+"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"
+
+Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the
+shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.
+
+"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"
+
+"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am."
+Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."
+
+Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the
+dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.
+
+"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.
+
+Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the
+tail:
+
+"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"
+
+"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae
+something to hold on."
+
+So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and
+Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird
+shouted in dismay:
+
+"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"
+
+
+OUTWORN
+
+Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
+The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional
+information:
+
+"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"
+
+
+PARADOX
+
+The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
+church along with the crowd that had attended the services:
+
+"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their
+seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush
+at the doors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a
+country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in
+the morning while the two men were dressing.
+
+"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.
+
+"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'
+and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."
+
+"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?
+Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"
+
+
+PASTORAL
+
+Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
+compiled by a young curate:
+
+"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal
+ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all
+the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27
+were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the
+church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which
+were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such
+occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
+times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47
+times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear
+in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress
+that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics
+attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia,
+37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the
+selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104
+times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined
+invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times;
+started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2
+times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49;
+expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."
+
+
+PATRIOTISM
+
+The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit
+to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful
+experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his
+local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:
+
+"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the
+hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an
+examination in general history, he was asked:
+
+"Who was the first man?"
+
+He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:
+
+"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the
+hearts----"
+
+But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:
+
+"Wrong! Adam was the first man."
+
+The boy sniffed disgustedly.
+
+"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at
+last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the
+evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse
+into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though
+uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed
+the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort
+inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.
+
+"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you
+can kick _me_!"
+
+
+PEACE
+
+The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the
+headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:
+
+"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."
+
+
+PEACEMAKER
+
+The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he
+had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your
+brains out!"
+
+"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
+stepped in between them."
+
+Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he
+burst forth:
+
+"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"
+
+
+PENSION
+
+The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing,
+but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the
+tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No.
+98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due
+to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.
+
+This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to
+this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the
+alleged kick of a vicious horse."
+
+The reply came promptly:
+
+"My leg!"
+
+
+PESSIMISM
+
+The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a
+discouraged tone:
+
+"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next
+day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry
+concerning his health.
+
+"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is
+failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But
+now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I
+have to turn and come back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
+
+"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two
+daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo,
+and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical
+geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"
+
+"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."
+
+
+PHILANTHROPY
+
+"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a
+number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
+
+"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent
+inquiry.
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to
+employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
+
+
+PHONETICS
+
+Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great
+seriousness:
+
+"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is
+the name of a city. Why?"
+
+"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam.
+Why?"
+
+"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head
+off."
+
+
+PHYSIOLOGY
+
+The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various
+organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as
+the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat
+to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was
+broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:
+
+"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose
+organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."
+
+
+PLAIN SPEAKING
+
+The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in
+service.
+
+"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment
+as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all
+told?"
+
+"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told
+eggzactly what I thought of them."
+
+
+PLAYING POSSUM
+
+"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his
+bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I
+done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de
+'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog
+done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was
+a polecat!"
+
+
+PLUMBER
+
+The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with
+the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink.
+The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the
+hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook,
+and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:
+
+"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."
+
+The plumber snorted indignantly.
+
+"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"
+
+
+POETRY
+
+The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the
+following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting
+aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going
+from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition
+calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly
+life, and is going from bad to verse every day."
+
+
+POINT OF VIEW
+
+A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the
+period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and
+even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after
+their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was
+extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the
+host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain
+smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:
+
+"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never
+invited you to eat at his table."
+
+"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a
+genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in
+the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:
+
+"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"
+
+The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:
+
+"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems
+like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."
+
+
+POKER
+
+Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
+France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.
+
+"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.
+
+The Yankee did not hesitate.
+
+"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four
+tons."
+
+
+POLITENESS
+
+The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote
+herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked
+innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons
+to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The
+mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man
+leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:
+
+"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"
+
+"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.
+
+"Please call her then," the fat man requested.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal,
+was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to
+speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the
+instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.
+
+After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could
+contrive:
+
+"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it."
+
+He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on
+the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to
+correct any bad impression from his previous speech:
+
+"And there's plenty of it--such as it is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the
+hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly
+said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was
+offered him.
+
+Johnnie shook his head seriously.
+
+"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by
+the class, the following sentence:
+
+"The horse and cow is in the pasture."
+
+A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:
+
+"Please, sir, ladies should come first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before
+him:
+
+"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the Sit
+Still Club."
+
+"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--I
+belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
+
+She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
+
+"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."
+
+
+POLITICS
+
+The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a
+petition.
+
+"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
+
+The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on
+the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook
+his head.
+
+"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little
+older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."
+
+
+POPULATION
+
+Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to
+the population of the city.
+
+"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a
+hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."
+
+
+POSTAL
+
+It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The
+fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and
+postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the
+communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well
+informed is shown in a quotation by _Punch_ of a local letter-carrier's
+apology to a lady on his round:
+
+"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said
+Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both
+very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to
+Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"
+
+
+PRAISE
+
+One negro workman was overheard talking to another:
+
+"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam
+ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him
+yoh shohly is!"
+
+
+PRAYER
+
+The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
+country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained
+that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
+advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:
+
+"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his
+marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and
+died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his
+previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he
+journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate
+should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on
+the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
+gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At
+sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.
+
+"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with
+squint--for the third time!--and after all my prayers!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game
+for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly
+impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother
+was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:
+
+"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he
+finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:
+
+"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"
+
+"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened
+it with?"
+
+"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with
+prayer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the
+following impressive description of the prayer:
+
+"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New York Sun published the following:
+
+The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the
+little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.
+
+The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently
+closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever
+young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled
+hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.
+
+With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes
+dancing, and exclaimed:
+
+"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it
+better, Muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he
+answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his
+prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the
+congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he
+added further:
+
+"I just say the little prayer mother taught me--'Now I lay me down to
+sleep.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having
+been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the
+reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:
+
+"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as
+she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with
+Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and
+daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before
+her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:
+
+"Does anybody know how to pray?"
+
+One man spoke confidently in answer:
+
+"Yes, Captain, I do."
+
+The captain nodded.
+
+"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
+of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."
+
+
+PREACHER
+
+A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
+to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He
+concluded his appeal as follows:
+
+"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a
+Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary
+Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't
+spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust
+Preacher, send us an Exhauster."
+
+
+PRECAUTION
+
+When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the
+words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:
+
+"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full
+solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who
+had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was
+thrown by the impact.
+
+"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
+
+"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer
+sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
+
+"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
+measured the distance."
+
+
+PRECOCITY
+
+The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
+
+"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little
+three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
+
+"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the
+critic.
+
+
+PREMATURENESS
+
+Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat
+down in the same seat.
+
+"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.
+
+Jakey started nervously.
+
+"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."
+
+
+PREPAREDNESS
+
+The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen
+them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to
+himself:
+
+"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit
+in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:
+
+Mrs. Riley--Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an'
+day.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty--Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the
+hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi
+touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.
+
+Mrs. Riley--An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)--No! Oi'm savin'
+oop the foine.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining
+her young man.
+
+"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.
+
+Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.
+
+"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before
+morning."
+
+
+PRIDE
+
+The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the
+liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.
+
+"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has
+electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of
+little Raymond in the following story:
+
+Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen
+with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.
+
+"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in
+his prayer."
+
+"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her
+astonishment.
+
+The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.
+
+"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
+
+
+PRECOCIOUSNESS
+
+A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened
+the door.
+
+"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
+
+Little Willie answered with formal politeness:
+
+"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"
+
+
+PRISON REFORM
+
+The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in
+conditions at the State Penitentiary:
+
+"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being
+indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in
+the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more
+pleasant and elegant."
+
+
+PRIVILEGE
+
+The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy
+stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of
+the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside
+him. The latter looked astonished.
+
+"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"
+
+
+PROCRASTINATION
+
+The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
+accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general
+utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
+shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
+Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled
+back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:
+
+"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"
+
+The darky grinned placatingly.
+
+"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been--I'se gwine!"
+
+
+PROFANITY
+
+The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
+in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded
+him reprovingly, as she demanded:
+
+"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
+
+"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn
+it, it's a gift."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When
+he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the
+floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon
+dropped it with the ejaculation:
+
+"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."
+
+
+PROFITEERS
+
+The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
+country estate.
+
+"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
+animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."
+
+"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."
+
+"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
+our position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
+the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
+following directions:
+
+"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
+the shopkeeper.
+
+"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."
+
+"But it is badly soiled."
+
+"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
+of the tree."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
+sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"
+
+Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."
+
+
+PROGRESS
+
+The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
+him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On
+his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.
+
+"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible
+and into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to
+teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so
+that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short
+absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.
+
+"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"
+
+"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and
+into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night,
+without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however,
+protested:
+
+"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only
+a very light supper in the evening."
+
+The physician nodded, smiling complacently.
+
+"Yes, of course--that shows what great progress the science of medicine
+is making."
+
+
+PROHIBITION
+
+The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
+
+"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
+
+"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment.
+"How do you make that out?"
+
+"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk
+indeed, and must be discharged instantly.
+
+"Discharged--nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered
+off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."
+
+
+PROLIFIC
+
+The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the
+announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.
+
+"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.
+
+"Aaron," was the answer.
+
+A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little
+girl regarded her in perplexity.
+
+"Aaron?" she repeated.
+
+"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.
+
+Understanding dawned on the child's face.
+
+"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very
+well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."
+
+
+PRONUNCIATION
+
+The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to
+one of her father's humble parishioners:
+
+"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few
+weeks."
+
+"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my
+old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em
+since I was a child like?"
+
+The parson's daughter was duly impressed.
+
+"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"
+
+But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:
+
+"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'--'aunts where I used to
+wander in my childhood days like."
+
+
+PROOF
+
+_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be."
+
+_Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs
+there myself."
+
+
+PROPERTY
+
+The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that
+had been lying by the curb three days.
+
+"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.
+
+"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it
+within a reasonable time, it's your property."
+
+
+PROVIDENCE
+
+The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a
+young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:
+
+"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful
+to the birds."
+
+
+PRUDENCE
+
+Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a
+fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the
+company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet,
+and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very
+affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.
+
+"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin'
+just started?"
+
+"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm
+tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car,
+was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a
+woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.
+
+"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"
+
+"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I
+wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."
+
+
+PUNISHMENT
+
+The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
+received this note in reply:
+
+"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you
+permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes
+jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej
+into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either
+i'll handle him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the
+benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.
+
+"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.
+
+"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your
+being in such a hurry to be spanked."
+
+"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to
+ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father
+had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:
+
+"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to
+punish their children sometimes."
+
+The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to
+explain:
+
+"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the
+band!"
+
+
+PUNS
+
+"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
+Court.
+
+"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.
+
+He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
+
+"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.
+
+"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.
+
+Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
+opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
+caught and brought back a second time.
+
+The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
+severely, in these words:
+
+"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
+been chased and refined."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
+the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
+entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
+him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:
+
+"I'm writing my autobiography."
+
+"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested
+sarcastically.
+
+"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent
+creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the
+amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went
+toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:
+
+"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."
+
+The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his
+head without offering any resistance.
+
+The horse was cowed.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present
+at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the
+uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach
+him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and
+said:
+
+"Call me a cab."
+
+Choate answered affably:
+
+"You're a cab, sir."
+
+The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant
+had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the
+diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.
+
+"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been
+better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."
+
+
+PUZZLE
+
+The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the
+assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
+
+"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot
+walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"
+
+Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked
+in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The
+inventor of the puzzle beamed.
+
+"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see,
+and legs and cannot walk."
+
+"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the
+Woolworth Building?"
+
+"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."
+
+
+QUARRELSOME
+
+The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had
+left her last place:
+
+"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and
+the mistress was always quarreling."
+
+"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.
+
+"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it
+wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
+
+
+QUESTIONS
+
+It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself
+could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a
+question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the
+entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and
+explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug
+upward.
+
+"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to
+reach the bottom?"
+
+"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."
+
+
+RAILROAD
+
+A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
+the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the
+road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
+forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's
+heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:
+
+"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"
+
+The fleeting boy screamed an answer:
+
+"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."
+
+
+RECOGNITION
+
+The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was
+sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the
+gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire
+in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly
+called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the
+connection was made, he called into the transmitter:
+
+"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a
+few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone,
+"Maria!"
+
+The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt
+of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently
+under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and
+regarded the repair man plaintively.
+
+"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."
+
+
+REFORM
+
+Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He
+was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving
+testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:
+
+"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the
+Lord has done for you?"
+
+Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged
+with bitterness:
+
+"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."
+
+
+RELIABILITY
+
+The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle
+for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him
+for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the
+entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a
+washerwoman.
+
+"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your
+wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"
+
+"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah
+wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."
+
+
+REPENTANCE
+
+"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was
+well, the devil a monk was he."
+
+
+REPETITION
+
+The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she
+was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session
+until she had written an original composition containing not less than
+fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the
+following, and was duly excused:
+
+"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
+
+
+RESIGNATION
+
+The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man
+in a tone of grave finality:
+
+"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his
+recovery."
+
+This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what
+violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:
+
+"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"
+
+The wife interposed in a soothing voice:
+
+"You leave it to the doctor, dearie--he knows best."
+
+
+REVOLUTION
+
+At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City
+appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a
+large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was
+a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own
+country.
+
+
+REWARD OF MERIT
+
+A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in
+attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his
+wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had
+acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the
+intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the
+skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return
+home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him
+tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.
+
+"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't
+hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."
+
+
+REWARD OF VIRTUE
+
+The little boy put a serious question to his mother:
+
+"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven,
+will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most
+interesting story submitted ran as follows:
+
+"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept
+a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's
+daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.
+
+"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he
+would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he
+could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the
+saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a
+drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'
+
+"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in
+gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful
+wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has
+its own reward."
+
+
+RULING PASSION
+
+Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge
+as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of
+him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point.
+
+Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.
+
+"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"
+
+The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:
+
+"_You_ are astonished--_I_ am surprised."
+
+
+SAFETY FIRST
+
+"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw
+across the street.
+
+The man addressed blinked and shook his head.
+
+"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where
+I am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were
+overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with
+Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely
+out of reach.
+
+"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.
+
+"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.
+
+"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you
+shoot, man?"
+
+Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want
+to lose my job?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained
+loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on
+the trip.
+
+"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who
+caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly
+believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those
+fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites,
+just so I'd be stuck."
+
+"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted sympathetically.
+"How much did the supper cost you?"
+
+The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.
+
+"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have
+any bait on my hook."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story
+of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run
+found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes
+were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of
+cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his
+sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"
+
+But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to
+his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.
+
+"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs
+to me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.
+
+"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver,
+but somehow it doesn't look it."
+
+"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That
+service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look
+at it twice."
+
+
+SANITY
+
+It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most
+trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued
+for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had
+no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the
+unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic
+companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract
+from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:
+
+"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+divorce."
+
+
+SARCASM
+
+The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at
+first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests,
+and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at
+her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:
+
+"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I
+laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:
+
+"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."
+
+"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.
+
+
+SAVING
+
+A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money,
+was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later,
+the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it
+rained yesterday, and it all went."
+
+
+SCHEDULE
+
+Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
+conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:
+
+"Is this Rome, ma?"
+
+"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"
+
+"Tuesday. What of it?"
+
+"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There
+was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one
+in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a
+careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then,
+he brightened suddenly, and said:
+
+"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train
+goes at four-ten, no matter what."
+
+
+SEASICKNESS
+
+On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy
+sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the
+captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable
+welcoming speech:
+
+"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup
+appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly
+of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these
+twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am
+responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask
+that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I
+believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune
+that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir,
+are---- Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the
+fish."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement
+of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting
+moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in
+whose arms she was clasped:
+
+"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"
+
+"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and
+soul--I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"
+
+The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the
+foundations of the bride's being.
+
+"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it
+didn't--not a bit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over the rail and made
+libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked
+sympathetically:
+
+"You have a weak stomach."
+
+The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:
+
+"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for
+dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:
+
+"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"
+
+"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.
+
+"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it
+over the rail for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:
+
+"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."
+
+One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:
+
+"Especially ocean travel."
+
+
+SECTARIAN
+
+Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver
+explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was
+asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I
+want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.
+
+The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.
+
+"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money
+worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."
+
+The robber hesitated.
+
+"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"
+
+"The Episcopal."
+
+"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver,
+larrup them mules!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who
+formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of
+the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others
+worshiped together, the answer was:
+
+"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I
+could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."
+
+"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry
+on your devotions together at home."
+
+"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain
+doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us.
+Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the
+southwest."
+
+
+SELF-BETRAYAL
+
+The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise.
+Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she
+relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in
+Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two
+maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a
+Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but
+secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when
+a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted
+swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the
+ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl
+was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half
+completed.
+
+The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at
+this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:
+
+"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be
+killed, sure!"
+
+
+SERMON
+
+The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in
+education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery
+and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the
+words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:
+
+"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake airly. Dis yere Sam
+was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de
+ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de
+ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window,
+an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd
+jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself
+will awake airly!'"
+
+
+SCAPEGOAT
+
+Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve.
+Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his
+boy friends in the neighborhood.
+
+"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.
+
+On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat
+downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.
+
+"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.
+
+"Bully!" Johnnie answered.
+
+"And lots of fun?"
+
+"Oh, yes!"
+
+"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.
+
+"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our
+fun with Willie."
+
+
+SHEEP AND GOATS
+
+The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the
+separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to
+bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was
+the matter.
+
+"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a
+goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"
+
+"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little
+lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her
+words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.
+
+But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and
+when her mother appeared she wailed:
+
+"I'm afraid about the goats."
+
+"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must
+never worry over being a goat."
+
+Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.
+
+"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid--awful
+afraid you're a goat!"
+
+
+SHIFTLESSNESS
+
+The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on
+French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and
+addressed his wife.
+
+"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I
+had been in Napoleon's place?"
+
+"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm
+in Corsica, and let it run itself."
+
+
+SHIPWRECK
+
+The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various
+stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and
+obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone
+before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate
+a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a
+vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He
+described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his
+hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where
+only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard
+the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
+
+"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was
+so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already
+sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful
+blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were
+drowned."
+
+The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But
+presently someone asked:
+
+"And you--what became of you?"
+
+"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."
+
+
+SLANDER
+
+The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the
+pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.
+
+"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.
+
+The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:
+
+"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."
+
+
+SLAVERY
+
+A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the
+road.
+
+"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.
+
+"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.
+
+"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman
+continued.
+
+But the ancient one shook his head sadly.
+
+"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I
+didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war--I done got married!"
+
+
+SMELLS
+
+An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time
+of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The
+question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk.
+The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat
+was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived,
+and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought
+into the tent. The goat fainted.
+
+
+SOCIAL UPLIFT
+
+The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her
+call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The
+unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.
+
+"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself,
+I've got no time to go slummin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from
+the slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and
+intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child
+to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:
+
+"How many children have you?"
+
+"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.
+
+"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be
+very careful to keep them clean."
+
+"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.
+
+"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.
+
+"Well, no," the hostess admitted.
+
+"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."
+
+"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.
+
+"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a
+lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."
+
+
+SPANKING
+
+Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a
+minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss
+Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she
+could spank him no more for physical fatigue.
+
+"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.
+
+Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying
+an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.
+
+"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.
+
+"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the
+youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This
+duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:
+
+"And now what have you to say?"
+
+"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the
+scissors!"
+
+
+SPEED
+
+In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
+concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
+statement:
+
+"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to
+write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been
+proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We
+have had students who have written it in that length of time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had
+been traveling in the South.
+
+"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"
+
+"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."
+
+
+SPELLING
+
+Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took
+an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he
+was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of
+the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any
+particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he
+could understand, the answer was:
+
+"This here are Swum-swum Crick."
+
+"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.
+
+In the repetition, the words sounded like:
+
+"This here are Swoovel Crick."
+
+The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name
+of the Creek was spelled.
+
+The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then
+spoke judicially:
+
+"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my
+jedgmint thar are no propeer way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man
+started his reply thus:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double----"
+
+The clerk interrupted:
+
+"Please, begin again."
+
+The witness complied glibly:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double
+_o_----"
+
+The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"
+
+"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: _O_ double _t_, _i_ double
+_u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_, _d_."
+
+
+SPINSTERHOOD
+
+The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to
+question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching
+middle age.
+
+"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"
+
+"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think
+I'll ever get married."
+
+A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt
+philosophical consolation:
+
+"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they
+quits strugglin'."
+
+
+SPITE
+
+The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted,
+with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.
+
+"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral.
+She died the other day."
+
+A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.
+
+"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.
+
+"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."
+
+"What! So soon after burying your wife?"
+
+The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:
+
+"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."
+
+
+SPORTSMANSHIP
+
+In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last
+he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach,
+and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:
+
+"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"
+
+"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."
+
+
+SPRING
+
+The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the
+new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and
+flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she
+called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked
+one little boy about spring.
+
+"What do we find in the spring, George?"
+
+George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he
+at last said:
+
+"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat,
+but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."
+
+
+STAMMERING
+
+On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who
+desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at
+last the doctor appeared in the doorway.
+
+"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?"
+
+"Tr-tr-tr--" the physician began stammeringly.
+
+Peedle paled.
+
+"Triplets! Merciful providence!"
+
+"Qu-qu-qu--" spluttered the doctor.
+
+Peedle paled some more.
+
+"Quadruplets!" he moaned.
+
+"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to
+take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."
+
+
+STYLE
+
+Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally
+devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one
+bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never
+seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:
+
+"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."
+
+"Self-starter?"
+
+"You bet!"
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL
+
+The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded
+pair.
+
+"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you
+send your children?"
+
+When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet,
+she continued brightly:
+
+"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.
+
+"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated
+the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and
+spoke with increased severity:
+
+"Children, I must know who made the world!"
+
+Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:
+
+"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"
+
+
+SUPERMAN
+
+It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room
+once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It
+chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study
+upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly
+involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:
+
+"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."
+
+Mrs. Gladstone beamed.
+
+"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us
+all about it."
+
+
+SUPERSTITION
+
+The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse
+Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a
+red-headed girl in sight."
+
+
+SUSPENSE
+
+The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:
+
+"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage
+to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white
+rose."
+
+She wore a yellow rose.
+
+
+SUSPICION
+
+The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during
+their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.
+
+"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter
+of public policy."
+
+"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I
+am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."
+
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the
+housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and
+began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the
+door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was
+doing there.
+
+The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his
+stomach as he explained:
+
+"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take
+to eatin' grass."
+
+"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right
+into the back yard--the grass there is longer."
+
+
+TACT
+
+The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a
+woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality
+of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.
+
+"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his
+voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."
+
+His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.
+
+"What do you mean?" she demanded.
+
+The senator explained suavely:
+
+"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here
+are to be found in one."
+
+
+TALKING MACHINE
+
+Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved
+to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news
+item of a country paper:
+
+"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding
+her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of
+tongues."
+
+
+TAR AND FEATHERS
+
+The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with
+one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the
+other.
+
+"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon
+came down."
+
+
+TASTE
+
+A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
+On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question
+was:
+
+"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"
+
+"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went
+down, and once when it came up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the
+cow.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good
+part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest
+violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady
+offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared,
+the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her
+husband.
+
+"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we
+poisoned for the rats?"
+
+
+TEARS
+
+The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
+she offered as a convincing argument:
+
+"You know it makes little girls homely."
+
+The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."
+
+
+TENDER MEMORIES
+
+"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where
+shingles were first used?"
+
+"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd
+rather not."
+
+
+TERMINOLOGY
+
+When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler
+coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water
+for shaving in the morning.
+
+"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?'
+then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"
+
+The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but
+in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:
+
+"It's the Lord, my boy!"
+
+The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's
+consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord.
+Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to
+assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the
+bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the
+dish to the prelate, and faltered:
+
+"My God, will you have some cheese?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did
+not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:
+
+"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"
+
+"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin',
+sor, it's likely they're in the wash."
+
+
+TESTIMONY
+
+Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law
+suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.
+
+"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my
+witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and
+looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.
+
+"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'
+
+"'They are,' I replied.
+
+"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the
+patent medicine:
+
+"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After
+taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my
+husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man
+from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the
+homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.
+
+"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he
+had been told:
+
+"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized
+country to come and live in this lonesomeness."
+
+"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like
+it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling
+things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no
+better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went
+right away from them scandalous folks."
+
+"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I
+wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove
+what they said."
+
+The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:
+
+"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"
+
+
+THREAT
+
+The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed
+her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as
+the ogre approached forceps in hand:
+
+"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."
+
+
+THRIFT
+
+A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
+
+"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
+
+"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the
+bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I
+was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval
+as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.
+
+"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so,
+and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."
+
+
+TIME FLIES
+
+The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten,
+then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth
+passionately:
+
+"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"
+
+"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."
+
+
+TIT FOR TAT
+
+The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a
+pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly
+distressed, and reproached the farmer.
+
+"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just
+beat him off, without killing him?"
+
+"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the
+other end."
+
+
+TOBACCO
+
+The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling
+painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
+
+"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The
+visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable
+citizens attributed their long life.
+
+"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah
+declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in
+an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has
+his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."
+
+
+TOILETTE DETAILS
+
+The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette
+preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her
+most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.
+
+"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.
+
+"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously.
+"I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."
+
+
+TONGUE
+
+An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a
+nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others.
+As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands
+worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took
+occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the
+sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and
+suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size
+fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her
+exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work
+her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the
+shorn remnants to the minister.
+
+"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."
+
+"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"
+
+"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is
+a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I
+should like to see it shorter."
+
+"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it?
+See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."
+
+"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."
+
+
+TREACHERY
+
+The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes.
+He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after
+sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch,
+the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs
+carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the
+log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his
+feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were
+buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's
+trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek
+over his shoulder:
+
+"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"
+
+
+TREASURE TROVE
+
+An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind,
+almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt
+himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn,
+where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's
+entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.
+
+"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"
+
+The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his
+toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:
+
+"An' a great git you got!"
+
+
+TRIAL
+
+The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The
+prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:
+
+"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"
+
+The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he
+said:
+
+"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in
+dis-yere trial?"
+
+
+TRIPLETS
+
+When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered
+out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number
+of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in
+the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid
+some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared
+reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his
+group of children, spoke earnestly:
+
+"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at
+twelve!"
+
+
+TRUTH-TELLERS
+
+The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women
+are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her
+and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:
+
+_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so,
+never go to heaven."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"
+
+_Mother:_ "No, dear--never."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George
+Washington?"
+
+
+TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR
+
+The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read
+the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent
+enough, for his concluding sentence was:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."
+
+But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed
+by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:
+
+"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."
+
+The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was
+published, this line read:
+
+"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:
+
+"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to
+perfection."
+
+The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word
+_parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance,
+duly appeared in the morning paper.
+
+
+VALUES
+
+An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady
+Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the
+wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved
+widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his
+grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by
+his terse optimistic comment:
+
+"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."
+
+Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.
+
+
+VANITY
+
+The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved
+by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly
+given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she
+had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking
+herself beautiful.
+
+"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.
+
+"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be
+mistaken is not to sin."
+
+
+VICTORY
+
+That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the
+centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts.
+When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the
+museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of
+victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.
+
+"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other
+fellow."
+
+
+WAR
+
+A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three
+revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an
+American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and
+charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though
+evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the
+property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of
+fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the
+ranch.
+
+The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their
+misery they were unselfish.
+
+"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must,
+we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie.
+Do not marry her."
+
+At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:
+
+"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking
+up from his book.
+
+"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and
+Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."
+
+"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the
+Austrians--"
+
+"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I
+know?"
+
+"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"
+
+"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"
+
+"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"
+
+"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."
+
+"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."
+
+"Don't you dare, you impudent--"
+
+"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"
+
+"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how
+wars begin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before
+setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls.
+The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:
+
+"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old
+trenches!"
+
+"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.
+
+"And you'll kiss my picture every night."
+
+"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder
+of the new uniform coat.
+
+"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.
+
+"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any
+spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."
+
+After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went
+away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten
+separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and
+sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was
+all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.
+
+"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over
+there--for I'm going to be awfully busy."
+
+
+WEATHER
+
+The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
+addressing the judge:
+
+"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"
+
+And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news
+in particular.
+
+But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:
+
+"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his
+head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue
+of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:
+
+"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."
+
+
+WHALES
+
+At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for
+burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.
+
+"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"
+
+
+WHISKERS
+
+An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days
+at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of
+prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the
+nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too
+common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other
+things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the
+three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it
+encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a
+realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a
+shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a
+mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed
+hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face
+with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned
+and muttered:
+
+"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"
+
+
+WIDOW
+
+One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she
+had just attended:
+
+"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the
+altar, every light in the church went out."
+
+The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.
+
+"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.
+
+"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced
+the deceased husband for a domestic chat.
+
+"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"
+
+"I am very happy," the spook assured her.
+
+"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly
+impressed.
+
+"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with
+you."
+
+"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in
+heaven?"
+
+"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"
+
+
+WIDOWHOOD
+
+During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the
+crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a
+nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as
+to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in
+the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm,
+quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.
+
+"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried
+two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."
+
+
+WIFE
+
+A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with
+the question:
+
+"Who was Cain's wife?"
+
+The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:
+
+"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of
+warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much
+inquiring after other men's wives."
+
+
+WILD WOMEN
+
+The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife
+had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering
+him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his
+patience, he began.
+
+"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came
+across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."
+
+"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they
+couldn't talk."
+
+"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."
+
+
+WISDOM
+
+It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man
+mashes his thumb.
+
+
+WOMAN
+
+A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God,
+asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived
+in the eighteenth century:
+
+"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib
+on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"
+
+"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of
+critter'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School
+concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:
+
+"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He
+made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to
+him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took
+out his brains, and made a woman of them."
+
+
+WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+
+During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate
+pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:
+
+"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting
+place, and there cast your vote along with his?"
+
+The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:
+
+"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do
+by himself, let him do it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous
+contributor
+
++ A. C.
+
+
+HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
+Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next
+one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That's Betty Grant's new maid."
+
+"She's much smarter than her mistress."
+
+"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for
+years!"
+
+_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as
+far away as you possibly can."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."
+
+_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"
+
+_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
+_must_ come to his wedding."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."
+
+_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
+lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."
+
+_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"
+
+_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can you play bridge to-night?"
+
+"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."
+
+"What--do you like the stuff?"
+
+"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
+much better than it sounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
+Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"
+
+_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these
+incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
+week."
+
+_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
+names for them all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I
+hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your
+hand?"
+
+_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed
+of yourself?"
+
+_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
+am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CONSOLING THOUGHT
+
+_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES
+
+_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
+worm to my hen."
+
+_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm
+won't like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Does God make lions, Mother?"
+
+"Yes, dear."
+
+"But isn't he frightened to?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a
+handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word!
+I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a
+picture of a girl with them on."
+
+_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my
+time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I
+haven't had dropsy yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SERVANT PROBLEM
+
+_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"
+
+_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"
+
+_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose
+service you are engaged?"
+
+_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"
+
+_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."
+
+_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"
+
+_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."
+
+"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."
+
+"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR
+
+"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
+and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
+
+"Well, usually in a sweater."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a
+ball for you."
+
+_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
+
+_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice
+instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE NEW APPRECIATION
+
+_Wife_ (_habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her
+husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I
+wonder who he is?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."
+
+_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how
+did you get at this amount?"
+
+_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it
+up, so I just charged by time."
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by
+eternity."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"
+
+_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch
+to-day?"
+
+_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.
+You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so
+red."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be
+married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he
+engaged you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
+
+_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my
+exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."
+
+_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the
+price of the catalogue?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"
+
+"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't
+like her most."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his
+compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would
+you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath
+stops overflowing through his ceiling?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little
+man, and do you know who I am?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's
+car."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not
+always 'fair.'"
+
+_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an
+ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."
+
+_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OUR MODERN INFANT
+
+_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
+long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you
+up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly
+as tired as I should have thought."
+
+_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running
+after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SUBTLE DISTINCTION
+
+"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
+
+"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try
+my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
+
+_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and
+thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted
+at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off
+yer income-tax."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_):
+"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my
+sweets so hairy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed
+to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
+
+_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I
+have had colleagues."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning
+about your fight with his boy yesterday."
+
+_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't
+much good."
+
+_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLUE BLOOD
+
+_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
+
+_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
+could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
+all getting married?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
+
+_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
+_years_ ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
+
+"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
+yer does a bit o' work for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
+afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
+week."
+
+_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
+this afternoon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
+weren't in the habit of attending church."
+
+_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
+Sundays."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
+
+"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
+
+_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
+broke me jaw already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
+fellow too."
+
+_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
+very bad, dear?"
+
+_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
+
+_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
+
+_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
+
+_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
+father with quite the proper respect."
+
+_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _eclair?_"
+
+_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
+that help?"
+
+_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
+the space at the wrong end."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
+his birthday."
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
+friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
+author's compliments.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE OBSTACLE
+
+_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
+hadn't been for something she said."
+
+_Fred:_ "What did she say?"
+
+_George:_ "No!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING THE SUBJECT
+
+_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
+about myself all evening."
+
+_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."
+
+_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you
+mind taking a cheque for the tip?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE LOST
+
+"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
+
+"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument
+if he had said _which_ one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an
+actress."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful
+extempore sermons he preaches."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING THE QUARREL
+
+_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"
+
+_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken
+and I can prove it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONDITIONAL
+
+_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say
+when he gets our letter."
+
+_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness,
+darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUST IGNORANCE
+
+_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give
+their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know
+anything about _love_?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL IN ONE BREATH
+
+_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I
+spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and
+a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the
+way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER
+
+"Mamma!"
+
+"What is it, dear?"
+
+"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know
+the answer to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FEMININITY
+
+_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she
+has absolutely nothing to wish for."
+
+_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING EVEN
+
+_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every
+time you swear."
+
+_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time
+you envy me for being able to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOOTHING EFFECT
+
+"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"
+
+"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN THAT CASE
+
+_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure,
+cold water."
+
+_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUALIFIED STATEMENT
+
+"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one
+be here?"
+
+"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and
+they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and
+the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one
+hundred thousand dollaire."
+
+_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."
+
+_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"
+
+"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_):
+"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is
+short, isn't he?"
+
+_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"
+
+_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht
+overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS SPHERE
+
+"His versatility is something extraordinary."
+
+"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
+
+"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds
+of a fool of himself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes,
+and listening to the wash of the ocean."
+
+_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our
+laundry bill yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LOVERS' QUARREL
+
+_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
+
+_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what
+they quarreled about."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY
+
+_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"
+
+_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days,
+where would I have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING RECKLESS
+
+_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time
+with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know
+better."
+
+_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different
+from other girls."
+
+"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+RETROACTIVE
+
+"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
+
+"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating
+myself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"
+
+_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+APOLOGIZING
+
+"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
+
+"Yes! I am."
+
+"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about
+you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DENIED THE PRIVILEGE
+
+_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
+
+_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
+
+_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD PLAN
+
+_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
+we give them?"
+
+"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN
+
+_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of
+course?"
+
+_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones
+supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FAMILIARITY, ETC.
+
+"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
+
+"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except
+intimate friends."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REASSURING
+
+_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
+
+_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years
+without knowing love when I feel it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW IT HAPPENED
+
+"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met
+until a week ago."
+
+"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught
+in a thunder storm."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LINGUIST
+
+"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"She can keep silence in four different languages."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DIFFERENCE
+
+_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."
+
+_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
+
+_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO----, ETC.
+
+"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in
+my good resolutions."
+
+"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next
+world."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLASSIFIED
+
+_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the
+money for a new hat."
+
+_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOLUTION
+
+_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
+have returned them unopened."
+
+_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist
+back unopened?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENCOURAGING
+
+_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of
+hope before I leave you forever?"
+
+_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ALIAS
+
+_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was
+plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as
+'Chanticleer'!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine
+to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."
+
+_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave
+at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING PLACES
+
+"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
+
+"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"_She_ does the dictating now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY
+
+_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
+
+_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few
+magazines to help pass away the time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the
+cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you,
+John?"
+
+_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.
+The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."
+
+_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither
+very wide nor very high."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+QUALIFIED
+
+_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
+
+_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE
+
+_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter
+school wid'm."
+
+_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked
+out by'm onct."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FROM THE HEART
+
+_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
+the weather."
+
+_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the
+fashion will have changed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me
+what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
+
+_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."
+
+_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak
+spot have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ARGUMENT
+
+"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
+
+"Why do you say so?"
+
+"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
+are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SECRET
+
+_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being
+content with one's lot."
+
+_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WANTS HER RIGHTS
+
+_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
+teacher."
+
+_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be
+useful?"
+
+"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's
+maid--not a useful maid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING BACK
+
+_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any
+objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to
+me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
+
+_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does."
+
+_Betty:_ "But what a price!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING VACATION
+
+_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really
+cannot become engaged to you."
+
+_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a
+couple of weeks?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UNIQUE
+
+_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
+
+_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same
+thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NOBLE AIM
+
+_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
+
+"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and
+everybody except the members."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONCE TOO OFTEN
+
+"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with
+an old comrade in arms."
+
+"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
+
+"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut
+appears he thought worse av me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
+
+"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may
+have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
+
+"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me
+for my birfday?"
+
+_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"
+
+_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the
+drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SLIGHTED
+
+"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready
+to be friends again."
+
+"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a
+quarrel."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOING FURTHER
+
+_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you
+I'd get even with her."
+
+_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get
+_uneven_ with her."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING ON
+
+_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to
+knock spots out of Willie Jones."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LITERALLY
+
+_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
+
+_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN EXTENSIVE LOVE
+
+_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
+
+_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she
+is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
+
+"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DISSENSION
+
+_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
+
+_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree
+beautifully."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why are they not speaking?"
+
+"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."
+
+"Well!"
+
+"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN KEEPING
+
+"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good
+housekeeper."
+
+"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr.
+and Mrs. Rigby."
+
+_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ARRANGED TO FIT
+
+_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'
+eat it all up."
+
+_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PROBABLY
+
+"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you
+suggest?"
+
+"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SURE SIGNS
+
+"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
+
+"Twins."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCH A WASTE
+
+_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
+the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
+
+_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
+'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ONE-SIDED
+
+"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and
+forget."
+
+"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always
+forgetting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DISCRETION
+
+_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope
+that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
+
+_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know
+about them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BETTER UNSAID
+
+_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me
+over a thousand dollars."
+
+_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LETTING HIM KNOW
+
+_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my
+last letter."
+
+_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"
+
+_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY, INDEED
+
+_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two
+seconds'?"
+
+_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready
+_now_'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
+
+_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONLY THEIR WAY
+
+_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my
+_dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
+
+_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I
+_delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my
+_dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+INADVERTENT
+
+_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling
+dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
+
+_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it
+would be out of fashion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MAKING SURE
+
+"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his
+parents."
+
+"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
+
+"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE DESPERATE STILL
+
+_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot
+believe in love in a cottage."
+
+_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat
+and all improvements."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest
+kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
+
+_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+POPULAR OPINION
+
+_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'
+dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"
+
+_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE OPPORTUNITY
+
+_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor,
+Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
+
+_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying
+with."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."
+
+"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"
+
+_The Gnat:_ "What for?"
+
+_The Ant:_ "Longer hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr.
+Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"
+
+_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"
+
+_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the
+other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's
+all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the
+room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WHAT SHE MEANT
+
+_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance
+of their becoming reconciled?"
+
+_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
+
+_She:_ "Which?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ of
+hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"
+
+_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of
+hearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened
+his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "And
+now let us talk of something else!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"
+
+_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appetite_): "Oh, yes,
+Mamma--several people!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nice
+little place here!"
+
+_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have
+grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to
+the prettiest girl in the room!"
+
+_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.
+I want to dance with _you_!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One
+word more and I--I withdraw my overdraft."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
+
+"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
+
+"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_):
+"What's the matter?"
+
+_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
+
+_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get
+on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
+He's looking after him just now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTIFICATION
+
+_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
+
+_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I
+hadn't paid any fare."
+
+_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
+
+_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh,
+Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you
+like_."
+
+_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if
+you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of
+pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary
+patient."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
+
+_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that
+yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
+
+"Of course. Why ask?"
+
+"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter
+good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
+
+_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so
+absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his
+stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
+Who is it speaking?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with
+your cast-off clothing?"
+
+_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them
+on again in the morning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you
+lost?"
+
+"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to
+know where father and mother have wandered to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
+
+_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid
+when it twinkled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
+
+"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
+
+"Yus--if she don't get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
+listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
+instruction.
+
+"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
+cool."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
+buying for yourself."
+
+_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes,
+dear, and you have succeeded."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
+really trying to flirt with me?"
+
+_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
+with this cake."
+
+_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about
+it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he
+married?"
+
+_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to
+himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
+
+"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
+right?"
+
+"No, sir," was the reply.
+
+"And why not?"
+
+"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
+fool-proof."
+
+_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
+don't know my husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
+
+_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm
+a bloomin' squirrel?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow
+instead of pushing it?"
+
+_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
+
+"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
+
+"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such
+weather."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress
+is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
+
+_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't
+have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS REPUTATION
+
+_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot
+chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare
+to see wot he gets for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UP-TO-DATE
+
+_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
+
+_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present
+day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
+
+"I believe so. Why?"
+
+"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT RESTRICTED
+
+"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free
+thinker."
+
+"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."
+
+_Mirandy:_ "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer _sure_ that the
+train'll show up--I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git
+it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Wife:_ "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."
+
+"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Escort:_ Who's that fellow who seems to know you?
+
+_The Lady:_ Only a second cousin once removed.
+
+_The Escort:_ Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Voice_ (_far off_): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
+
+_Satiated Camper:_ All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT ATHLETE
+
+Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had
+drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation
+turned on athletics.
+
+"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold
+medal in a foot race."
+
+"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye
+about my uncle at Ballycluna?"
+
+"I don't remember," replied Pat.
+
+"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for
+ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming,
+two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"
+
+"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"
+
+"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all," came the reply. "He kapes
+the pawnshop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING NEW TO HIM
+
+The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
+down a man without injuring him much.
+
+She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to
+the solid earth and faced him manfully.
+
+"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your
+fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.
+I've been driving a car for seven years."
+
+"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been
+walking for fifty-seven years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the
+door."
+
+_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure,
+appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is
+just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.
+
+_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that
+man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it
+aloud.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to.
+
+_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen
+in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them
+sufficient payment for a new dress.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+KNOWLEDGE
+
+The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
+attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were
+discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv,
+I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."
+
+"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when
+you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A HUMBLING SIGHT
+
+An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
+have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a
+local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On
+receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
+thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the
+artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.
+
+"Is that me?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, madam," replied the artist.
+
+"And is it like me?" she again asked.
+
+"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."
+
+"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very
+well.
+
+_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has,
+I suppose.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER
+
+A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
+and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so
+exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
+"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"
+
+The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"
+she replied. "What else should I be doing?"
+
+For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam,
+I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you,
+Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
+
+_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?
+
+_Passenger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chief
+engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playing
+to-morrow night?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell," Madam.
+
+_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I
+thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of the
+meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
+
+_Stenographer:_ No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want
+to.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ What's the matter with your hand, my little man?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawed the top of my finger off.
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ Dear, dear, how did you do that?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REMEMBERED
+
+Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from
+abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son
+Bobby has.
+
+"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.
+
+"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."
+
+An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands
+with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.
+
+"And do you remember me, my little man?"
+
+"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and
+ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATURAL DEDUCTION
+
+"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.
+
+"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.
+
+"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."
+
+"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this
+morning?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD
+
+"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her
+employ, "I hear that you have married."
+
+"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."
+
+"Is he a good provider, Alice?"
+
+"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's
+gwine git catched at it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys
+don't fight."
+
+_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but
+after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
+
+Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired
+of his father:
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Dad, who was Mozart?"
+
+"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his
+parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE TAKES YOUR TIME
+
+"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked
+the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he
+knows shall know it all, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE FLOOR HELD
+
+"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his
+friend.
+
+"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS DIFFICULTY
+
+_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see
+why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
+
+_Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering
+whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE REAL JOB
+
+"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"
+
+"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF LIKE A SHOT
+
+It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of
+having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the
+prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.
+
+"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"
+
+"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the
+prisoner."
+
+"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you
+heard the second shot."
+
+"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the
+distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ANSWERED
+
+_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
+
+_He:_ "A bachelor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TO BE SURE
+
+_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me
+at the piano."
+
+_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CLOSE CALL
+
+Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts
+of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the
+first time of his life, his amazement was great.
+
+The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the
+3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes
+glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it
+as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for
+several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length
+an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.
+
+"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a
+terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----
+
+_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+They were talking over the days that will never return, so they
+asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had
+particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be
+it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to
+do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big
+bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp,
+and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have
+reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The
+first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what
+everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when
+the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next
+morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
+had a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he had
+checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and
+accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is
+full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should
+say as much, full as a tick.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING
+
+_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
+
+_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
+when the police interfered."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
+should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the
+doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you
+fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
+out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
+his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
+He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
+speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his
+machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman
+quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of
+stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers
+until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.
+"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I
+oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I
+thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'
+on Friday.
+
+_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?
+
+_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I
+was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the
+nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered the
+professor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SARCASM
+
+Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a
+success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been
+engaged.
+
+When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking
+round, he beckoned the chairman.
+
+"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he
+said.
+
+"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.
+
+"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking
+half-an-hour I do a high dive."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NONE AT ALL
+
+Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
+
+"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a
+safe journey."
+
+"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld
+mither."
+
+"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"
+
+"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye
+think you've got?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ART AND NATURE
+
+_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
+
+_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"
+
+"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"
+
+"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was
+horrid."
+
+"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISUNDERSTOOD
+
+_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."
+
+_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
+too?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL BRAINS
+
+A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
+artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation
+between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture,
+and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat,
+looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"
+
+"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.
+
+"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of
+laughter.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THIRTEEN TO ONE
+
+Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
+young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had
+not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he
+would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service,
+he announced:
+
+"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"
+
+Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD ACTOR
+
+_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
+
+_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
+working the last week he was here."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SAD FOR THAT
+
+A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
+
+"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.
+
+The innkeeper looked pained.
+
+"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it
+with all the calm resignation we can!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as
+if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she
+exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would
+face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but
+that darn dog ain't dead."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day,
+dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----
+
+_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALISED
+
+_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
+
+_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams
+of his youth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NEVER MISS ONE
+
+_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I
+could give you a wrinkle or two."
+
+_Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD NIGHT
+
+The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to
+London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a
+private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:
+
+"Did you have a good night's rest?"
+
+"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone
+would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRIPPED
+
+The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly
+flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and
+Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and
+also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.
+
+"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he
+asked gently.
+
+"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"
+
+"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not
+dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"
+
+"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.
+
+"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said
+passionately. "You are too good--too beautiful. The man who wins you
+should love you for yourself alone."
+
+"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the
+money--not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."
+
+"Oh--er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having,
+aren't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE GLOOMY GUEST
+
+The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.
+
+"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
+
+"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"
+
+"People kept thinking it was something to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very
+portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
+the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
+eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
+"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?
+
+_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.
+
+_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
+husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
+funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
+said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
+up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
+to see dat I'se got on gloves?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?
+
+_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.
+
+_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
+there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
+is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
+woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
+all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
+fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
+ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's
+dresses."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
+but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
+farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
+one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
+fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
+ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for an
+acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt
+it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more,
+you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for
+this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.
+Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.
+
+"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth
+a penny.'"
+
+"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.
+"Four dollars or nothing."
+
+"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.
+
+"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.
+
+"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was
+hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really
+worth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT IN THE BUSINESS
+
+"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it
+again?"
+
+"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER VIEWS
+
+_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your
+own views of foreign life!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera;
+it's so common."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD MATCH
+
+_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
+
+_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and
+I showed him a soft hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM
+
+_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
+with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
+
+_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near
+the piano is, Mrs. Black!
+
+_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
+
+_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the
+prettiest wives!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my
+hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair,
+perusing the pages of a novel.
+
+"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell
+the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been
+reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
+think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
+should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
+
+_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept
+advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
+given you trouble?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FISHY RECORD
+
+_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
+on a galleon!"
+
+_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
+them foreign cars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
+eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
+
+"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
+
+"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?
+
+_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
+front----
+
+_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----
+
+_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
+to the back.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
+consultation."
+
+"Of doctors?"
+
+"Of dressmakers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You discharged your office boy?"
+
+"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
+look wise."
+
+"I guess you've seen the last of him."
+
+"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
+expert."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
+
+"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
+it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERFECT AGREEMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
+agree once in a while?"
+
+_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
+I."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ Jack is in love with you.
+
+_Her:_ Nonsense!
+
+_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.
+
+_Her:_ How dared you!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):
+Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
+
+_Senior:_ A professor!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
+
+"What's the name of this wheel?"
+
+"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
+
+He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
+
+"Can you recommend the Belva?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What this country needs is more production."
+
+"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
+trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
+enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BOTTLED COURAGE
+
+"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
+
+"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
+stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
+him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
+
+"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said
+Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IT WORKED
+
+A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
+
+"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
+woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:
+
+"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"
+
+"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.
+
+"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the
+scarlet fever, I think."
+
+"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."
+
+He turned to obey.
+
+"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the
+bread, said humbly:
+
+"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"
+
+"Get out of my shop."
+
+He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently,
+another mountain of misery joined him.
+
+"Well, Bill?" he said.
+
+"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it
+fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FILM FEVER
+
+_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
+boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"
+
+_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DRUGGIST'S TURN
+
+The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
+
+"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"
+
+"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"
+
+"Yes, but what--"
+
+"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a
+prescription filled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WRONG BROTHER
+
+A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
+himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
+
+Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two
+young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
+
+Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an
+ordinary tone to the other:
+
+"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
+
+"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy
+about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a
+practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow,
+reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one
+thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive
+silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed
+my directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven't
+taken any of it?"
+
+_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
+
+"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
+
+"All right."
+
+"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
+it--you will get $500."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live
+stock?
+
+_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked
+cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
+whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
+came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down
+and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
+Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
+leg.
+
+"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every
+woman in jail!"
+
+_Miss F.:_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that
+way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you
+put all the women in jail?"
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GUILTY
+
+_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
+of something I did before we were married."
+
+_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
+
+_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't
+know what to confess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love,
+honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
+
+"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah,
+I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
+
+"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What
+did it cost you?"
+
+_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
+
+"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
+
+"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
+
+"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
+
+"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to
+know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his
+choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the
+affirmative answer late at night.
+
+"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I
+married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
+
+"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the
+night rates."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
+
+_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
+
+_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all
+women are angels!"
+
+"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BAD BOTH WAYS
+
+_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
+
+_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
+
+"And did you post it?"
+
+"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
+
+A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners
+as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each
+a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called
+round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the
+village butcher's.
+
+"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave
+you the other day?"
+
+Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the
+little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under
+the counter.
+
+"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of
+confidence, "it ended like they all end."
+
+"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
+
+And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived
+happy ever after."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
+
+"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is
+two poems and a short story."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
+
+The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked
+the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
+
+"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him
+to-day?"
+
+"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to
+heaven."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REDEEMING TRAIT
+
+"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
+go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
+
+"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
+
+"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
+
+"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our
+honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF
+
+There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he
+penned the following note:
+
+"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept
+my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it
+begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you
+will remember, is Thomas."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT A FATHER
+
+A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing
+the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
+
+"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
+
+"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two
+kids."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WEDDING DECLARED OFF
+
+_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away,
+Elsie?"
+
+_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."
+
+_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a
+very long time."
+
+_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERHAPS!
+
+"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he
+was engaged to marry.
+
+"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard
+an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and
+an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new
+spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an
+extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter.
+The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed
+wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After
+a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the
+optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer,"
+replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man
+to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon
+the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared
+it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not
+circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers,
+for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A
+young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts
+hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee,
+which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready
+cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that
+will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you
+deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The
+ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after
+a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked,
+anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what
+micht come over us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DOUBT
+
+"Lend me ten, Tom."
+
+"I think not."
+
+"You won't?"
+
+"I won't."
+
+"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
+
+"I haven't."
+
+"Well, why won't you, then?"
+
+"Because I have no doubt of your character."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you
+do?
+
+_Recruit:_ I yell.
+
+_Officer:_ Yell what?
+
+_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.
+
+_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to
+pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or
+turkwoise?
+
+_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for
+several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept
+me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and
+I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His
+boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever
+next pay day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of
+calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he
+wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud
+tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message
+for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out
+of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and
+then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a
+slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of
+stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The
+following dialogue took place:
+
+"You've stolen no chickens?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Have you stolen any geese?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Any turkeys?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before
+the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd
+said ducks you'd 'a' had me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see
+his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents
+of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
+trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and
+looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort
+of thing?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
+
+"I can read my husband like a book."
+
+"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
+a kiss."
+
+"What did she say?"
+
+"Will that be all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO KICK COMING
+
+_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
+burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of
+its contents.
+
+_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
+
+The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
+hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man
+lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after
+administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he
+remarked in cheering tones:
+
+"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's
+the way in the world."
+
+"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
+
+"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
+
+"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's
+through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO TRUE
+
+_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
+cannot act to-day.
+
+_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a
+certificate saying that you never could act.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE
+
+He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
+boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came
+into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty
+in getting what he wanted.
+
+A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
+
+"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.
+
+"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are
+fashionable this season."
+
+"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to
+leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you
+see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
+
+It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
+cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him
+how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are
+wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I
+used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck
+it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."
+Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the
+Himalayas?"
+
+"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George
+Washington."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"
+
+_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I
+find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the
+traffic to drive aroun' me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT DID HE MEAN?
+
+A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
+do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he
+reported:
+
+"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay
+ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
+
+"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to
+pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
+
+"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven
+you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRUE TO LIFE
+
+Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
+"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
+
+"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
+
+"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'
+it?"
+
+"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like
+ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
+
+"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
+
+"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
+Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
+
+"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was
+owed; "I prefer the cash!"
+
+"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
+
+"A spade."
+
+"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually
+large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,
+and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have
+a zero on this examination."
+
+"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower
+than that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the
+cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
+was tinkering with the pipes.
+
+"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
+
+"Been in the trade long?"
+
+"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
+
+"Ever made any mistakes?"
+
+"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
+
+"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected
+up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying
+like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a
+glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:
+"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"
+
+"Out with you," interrupted the man.
+
+"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
+
+"I should say not!"
+
+"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
+
+Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically
+inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a
+thimble?"
+
+Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it
+for a hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger
+bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done
+intentionally.
+
+"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
+
+"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of
+hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah
+suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLOOD RELATIONS
+
+_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
+
+_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and
+a cab.
+
+The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it!
+You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over
+age!"
+
+"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder,
+"a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yer
+blinkin' 'at!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCOTCHED!
+
+A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
+his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
+
+"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
+
+"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
+
+The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's
+as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
+
+"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for
+all the parritch I have."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE BRUTE!
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
+me, Archie?"
+
+_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE WHOLE TRUTH
+
+Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
+working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
+
+"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
+
+"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see
+ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
+
+"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
+
+"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
+
+"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW HE DID IT
+
+_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who
+is playing the flapper in your new show?"
+
+_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just
+threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants
+in the army."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALITY
+
+A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on
+Sunday afternoon.
+
+"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the
+spiritual adviser.
+
+"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the
+baby; our nurse is ill."
+
+"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
+
+"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see
+how you like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PURE CARELESSNESS
+
+It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
+
+"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come
+here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your
+faults."
+
+"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe
+me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
+
+_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it
+was a fine machine!"
+
+_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUSPICIOUS
+
+It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being
+tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
+
+"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who
+brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who
+shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
+
+"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man
+I suspect o' doing it."
+
+"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably
+nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
+
+"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way--I see 'im on my
+property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting
+the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the
+bird committed suicide."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A WONDER!
+
+"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
+
+"That so?" asked Smith.
+
+"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and
+not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN A FIX
+
+_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I
+have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her
+have yours?"
+
+_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's
+name on the handle."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCKED!
+
+It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the
+picture palace.
+
+On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to
+him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth;
+it's so rude when people are about!"
+
+"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my
+rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF AND HALF
+
+Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
+packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
+Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
+
+Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
+withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
+
+The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a
+woman I would!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REVENGE IS SWEET
+
+"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside
+hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The
+reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been
+non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base
+hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the
+pages were cadets."
+
+"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
+
+"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we
+set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO EFFECT
+
+"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you
+down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
+
+"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at
+me and drove on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FUTURE FINANCIER
+
+"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson
+said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
+
+"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly.
+"You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I
+even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little
+lad!"
+
+"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that
+what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD CASE
+
+"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
+
+"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was
+something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he
+had sat up over an hour trying to think."
+
+"And did he finally remember it?"
+
+"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLACK SUPERSTITION
+
+_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
+
+_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand,
+are generally found in a brown study."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF A DUCK DEEP
+
+Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
+youngster if it was deep.
+
+"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found
+that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
+
+When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I
+thought you said it wasn't deep?"
+
+"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to
+their middles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+COULDN'T RESIST IT
+
+"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and
+displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef
+for sale?"
+
+"I have," responded the butcher.
+
+"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"
+
+"It is."
+
+"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can
+sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"
+
+"I'll do my best, sir."
+
+The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another
+look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved
+too strong for him.
+
+"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of
+the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.
+
+"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night
+which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened
+to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would
+presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before
+he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."
+
+"And you foretold that from his hand?"
+
+"Yes, it had four aces in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the
+cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the
+lad.
+
+"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend
+gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"
+
+"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."
+
+"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me--hic--keep it in th' house."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the
+draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest
+idea what it is I'm cooking."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
+
+"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied
+Tramp No. 2.
+
+"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
+
+"Me trousers are."
+
+"Trousers are what?"
+
+"Frayed on account of the dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF LOCALITY
+
+"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up
+and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him
+reaching for the strap?"
+
+"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER SOFT ANSWER
+
+They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby
+exclaimed:
+
+"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in
+the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is
+cold?"
+
+"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE WAS WRONG
+
+_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
+strong drink that brought you here?"
+
+_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the
+last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OPENING FATHER'S EYES
+
+"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
+
+"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
+
+"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,
+for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you
+don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"
+
+"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the
+steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters
+without you knowing it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NICE
+
+She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
+was getting on.
+
+"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint
+account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
+
+"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in
+equal sums?"
+
+"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and
+I draw it out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT NEEDED
+
+_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
+
+_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
+night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE COULD USE HIM
+
+"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
+shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
+hard labour."
+
+"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court
+room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from
+home, but let dat hard labour stand."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DECLINED WITH THANKS
+
+Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
+quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't
+get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking
+matters over, Brown decided to reform.
+
+After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to
+keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited
+until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
+
+"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
+
+"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just
+before going to sleep."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MANAGING THE MANAGERS
+
+This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a
+large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--
+
+"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I
+couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"
+
+"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When
+you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to
+buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT LIGHT
+
+The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's
+mate.
+
+"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
+
+"I don't know," the gob confessed.
+
+"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"
+
+"Twelve o'clock."
+
+"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"
+
+"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve
+pounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their
+conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing
+titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that
+the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American
+consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of
+'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"
+
+Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you
+believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every
+one knows about passion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded
+clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of
+the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his
+vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
+previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
+celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
+diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
+different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
+aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready
+to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
+and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked
+up?"
+
+"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror.
+
+_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boat
+with Mary Pickford!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the
+Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to
+enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car
+do you own?"
+
+"A Packard," was the reply.
+
+"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."
+
+The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand
+over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge,
+who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little
+individual came along.
+
+"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.
+
+"A Ford," was the answer.
+
+"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian
+Scientists."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for
+a year.
+
+_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
+it will cut glass.
+
+_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
+on a woman's heart.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or
+am I?
+
+_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager.
+
+_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk
+like a blamed idiot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Pa, what's an actor?"
+
+"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer
+into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a
+number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and
+exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Is she making a rich marriage?"
+
+"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three
+times for profiteering."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SANDY SCORED
+
+A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
+
+"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight,
+like me?"
+
+"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
+
+"I do," said the laird.
+
+"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'
+that the empty yins stand up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WITH A RESERVATION
+
+"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
+something I want to tell you--something that I----"
+
+"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a
+bored expression on her face.
+
+The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.
+"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.
+"Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too
+much like you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SMART
+
+A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
+"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the
+prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three
+watches, marked respectively _L_5, _L_4, and _L_3 10_s._, and laid them
+in a row on the counter.
+
+The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of
+the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the
+watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the
+lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me
+no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid _L_3 10_s._, and departed.
+
+Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his
+return.
+
+"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de
+same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
+
+"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
+
+"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
+
+"What flowers are not popular?"
+
+"Wall-flowers, ma'am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATIVE BORN
+
+"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
+
+"Your head?"
+
+"Yes, yer honour."
+
+"Why don't you speak the English language?"
+
+"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE JONAH
+
+"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
+story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story
+teaches."
+
+"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches
+that you can't keep a good man down."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SUBSTITUTE
+
+A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
+if he could have some poached eggs.
+
+"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's
+reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE
+
+The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.
+
+Quoth she to a younger friend:
+
+"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
+nothing but a hopeless old maid."
+
+"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.
+
+"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"
+
+"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than
+having her tell lies about you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOOD OR BAD TURN?
+
+"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
+
+"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
+one think there's something wrong with it."
+
+"What does it say, then?"
+
+"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TALKING SENSE
+
+"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the
+first man you have ever kissed?"
+
+"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go
+any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt,
+fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
+over, aren't you?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune
+will be left to me?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name
+at the bank?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million
+dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to
+you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A MAGIC HEALER
+
+During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
+right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped
+into the doctor's to have them attended to.
+
+"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be
+able to play the piano?"
+
+"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.
+
+"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE TOOK THEM
+
+"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
+"They seem rather indistinct."
+
+"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your
+face is not at all plain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY
+
+Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but
+the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
+
+"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.
+
+"Suh?"
+
+"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"
+
+Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all
+that remained.
+
+"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant
+goat done completely et up his destination."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER MATCH
+
+_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?"
+
+_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
+the last word."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded
+the boss angrily.
+
+"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me
+not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch
+it at home either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCIENTIFIC PROOF
+
+One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
+
+"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Bolshie Tubthumper:_ Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all
+ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sunday School Teacher:_ Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite
+to your playmates, what will be the result?
+
+_Alfred:_ They'll think they can lick me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NATURAL PICTURE
+
+A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together,
+and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better
+picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
+
+"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put
+it in my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO SMILE AT
+
+A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
+
+An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the
+smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly
+reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he
+said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a
+Scotsman's head."
+
+A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae
+a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DREW BLANK
+
+The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.
+
+So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully
+upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about
+for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally
+he managed to catch the great man.
+
+"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"
+
+"Oh, feyr, feyr!"
+
+"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair
+throats?"
+
+"Ay!"
+
+"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"
+
+"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FRIEND IN NEED
+
+What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man
+who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who
+died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much
+affected.
+
+"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.
+
+"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
+friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
+he was starving to death."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the
+odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at
+the back door.
+
+"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.
+
+"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."
+
+"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house
+replied.
+
+"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would
+gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY TO JOIN
+
+_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?
+
+_Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HELPFUL PA!
+
+_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the
+future?
+
+_She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of
+next week.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying
+this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"
+
+"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not
+such an awful habit. Why, at your own club----"
+
+"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of
+mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house,
+and fours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me.
+Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time
+had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr.
+Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."
+
+"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.
+
+"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my
+little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."
+
+Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he
+stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know
+why you're washing!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THEY WILT
+
+"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer
+Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.
+
+"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?'
+and they wilt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT STRONG ENOUGH
+
+Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt.
+Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
+
+"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully
+nice."
+
+"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love'
+cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in
+such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more
+correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."
+
+Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."
+
+"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.
+
+"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little
+girl.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY HE PICKED PICTISH
+
+An English mother was visiting her son at college.
+
+"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"
+
+"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.
+
+"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"
+
+"Only five words of it remain," he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PLAYED THEM BOTH UP
+
+A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
+it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of
+the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
+appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.
+
+"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend
+it."
+
+Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work,
+while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man
+said:
+
+"That'll be three shillings, mum."
+
+"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little
+fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"
+
+The man shook his head.
+
+"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said
+his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"
+
+And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTICE AT LAST
+
+It was the usual domestic storm.
+
+"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor
+mother's advice, and never married you!"
+
+Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
+found voice.
+
+"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.
+
+Wifey nodded violently.
+
+A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.
+
+"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN ORDER TO BE FILLED
+
+Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down
+in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The
+one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the
+air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.
+
+As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked
+over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
+
+"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done
+hit me smack on de haid."
+
+The other one looked surprised.
+
+"Did I hit you?"
+
+"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've
+been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does
+resemble my promise."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"
+
+"Has he?"
+
+"Why, no."
+
+"Of course I would, darling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"
+
+"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be
+expected to pay the rentals I require."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSTIC
+
+A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
+himself rather short of cash just now. His account was L60 over drawn,
+and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
+suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
+
+"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm L60 short am I? Will ye just look
+up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"
+
+"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had L250 to your
+credit."
+
+"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being
+introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the
+cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have
+been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious
+pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."
+
+"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter
+be more careful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Sailor_ (_searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'
+leave_): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
+
+_Second Sailor:_ "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started
+scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WORTH MUCH
+
+The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate
+region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker,
+"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have
+risen tremendously in price?"
+
+"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'
+when ye get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO FEAR
+
+_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
+is no place for them."
+
+_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their
+father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISLED
+
+_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
+advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
+were empty."
+
+_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"
+
+_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
+how it was that the Jews were so wise.
+
+"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
+to sell one for ten dollars.
+
+After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
+into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."
+
+"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
+would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
+money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
+twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
+when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
+shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
+have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
+"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
+told you, when they called?"
+
+"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
+shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
+
+"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
+
+"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
+he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
+
+"What does he do?"
+
+"He drinks."
+
+"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
+our set."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
+
+"What size, madam?"
+
+"Life-size, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"
+
+_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
+
+_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
+
+_Beau:_ "Stripped?"
+
+_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
+steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
+
+_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
+night?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
+
+"Then why didn't you marry him?"
+
+"I met him again so often."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
+
+_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
+
+_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."
+
+_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
+unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
+your one?"
+
+_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
+
+_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
+are great."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How times have changed!"
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
+canvas."
+
+_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
+
+"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
+by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
+excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
+he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
+
+"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
+
+The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
+to the salesman's ear, replied:
+
+"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
+wo'k heah no mo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you really believe in heredity?"
+
+"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
+responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
+and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
+said:
+
+"How about you, George, are you married?"
+
+Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
+livin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
+hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
+saw?"
+
+"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
+it all to you."
+
+"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
+suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
+fees and things!"
+
+"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
+all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
+salary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not
+sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
+in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
+the High Street."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
+bed and hurry or we shall be late."
+
+"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
+muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
+
+"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
+
+"Then why did you leave her?"
+
+"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
+something?"
+
+"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
+
+"Only wunst."
+
+"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
+
+"No'm; he should have said twict."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
+have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
+
+"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
+perfect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
+and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
+
+"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
+John, dear----"
+
+"Yes; what is it?"
+
+"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
+instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
+
+_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
+telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
+our twenty-party line."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
+repeat a verse from the Bible?"
+
+"I'll say I can."
+
+"Well, my dear, let us have it."
+
+"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
+and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
+the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
+very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
+disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
+was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
+whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
+the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
+satellite.
+
+"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
+it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What are you doing, Marjory?"
+
+"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."
+
+"But, darling, you don't know how to write."
+
+"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What sort of an appearing man is he?"
+
+"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
+he always ett at the second table."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"
+
+"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."
+
+"No, her husband has lost his hearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
+suit. One asked:
+
+"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs?"
+
+"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."
+
+"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
+like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
+flimflammed you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
+sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
+straightening up he said:
+
+"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
+yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
+yo' vest.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
+
+"How old are you now?"
+
+"Forty."
+
+"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
+
+"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
+any vices."
+
+"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
+your chest?"
+
+"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
+robbed you of every cent you had."
+
+_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
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