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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Lecture On Heads
+       As Delivered By Mr. Charles Lee Lewes, To Which Is Added,
+       An Essay On Satire, With Forty-Seven Heads By Nesbit, From
+       Designs By Thurston, 1812
+
+Author: Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+Commentator: Pilon
+
+Illustrator: Thurston and Nesbit
+
+Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21822]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+A LECTURE ON HEADS
+
+By Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+WITH ADDITIONS,
+
+By Mr. Pilon
+
+AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles Lee Lewes.
+
+TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
+
+WITH FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston.
+
+1812.
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: Numbers in the text within curly brackets are page
+numbers.]
+
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+
+There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture,
+it is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in
+which they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much
+they have been imposed upon by the different publishers.
+
+When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was
+published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different
+from the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too
+contemptible to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from
+commencing any legal process against the {VI}publisher for thus
+trespassing on his right and property.
+
+Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary
+success in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that
+success, in almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During
+this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions
+and improvements from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard,
+Shuter, and many other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It
+therefore re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This,
+I suppose, induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his
+edition, with notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might
+be, Mr. Stevens obtained an injunction against the continuance of
+that publication; he was dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the
+interposition of friends, who persuaded the litigants, over a bottle,
+to terminate their difference; Mr. Stevens withdrew his action, and
+the publication was suppressed. I relate this circumstance from {VII}the
+authority of Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be
+surprised to find that this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by
+one who is now complaining of a similar act against himself. I am no
+advocate for any infringements of right or property; but I cannot avoid
+thinking, that complaints of this nature come with a very ill grace
+from those who have committed the same species of literary depredations
+themselves. The last piratical publication of this Lecture was by a
+stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has had the assurance to use my name
+without having my authority, or even asking my permission. He likewise
+very falsely and impudently asserts, that he has published it as I
+spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so much the contrary, that
+it contains not a syllable of the new matter with which it was then
+augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from the spurious and
+very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this piratical list. It is,
+therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was never before published
+until this opportunity {VIII}which I have taken of thus submitting it to
+the Public, for their approbation and patronage, whose
+
+Most humble and devoted servant
+
+I am,
+
+CHARLES LEE LEWES.
+
+July 22, 1785.
+
+
+
+
+PROLOGUE,
+
+Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June
+24, 1780.
+
+     All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout
+     A few doors lower burnt the quorum out.
+     Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot,
+     And justice cannot keep the parish quiet.
+     But peace returning, like the dove appears,
+     And this association stills my fears;
+     Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread,
+     And we give harmless Lectures on the Head.
+     Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes,
+     And snore away the hours within their boxes;
+     Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning,
+     Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning.
+     Mynheer demanded, at the general shock,
+     "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?"
+     "Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob,
+     "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."--
+     "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies,
+     "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies:
+     "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge,
+     "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."--
+     "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear
+     "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square
+     "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say,
+     "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day."
+     Tumult and riot thus on every side
+     Swept off fair order like the raging tide;
+     Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by,
+     "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry.
+     And he, rever'd by every muse so long,
+     Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song,
+     Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name,
+     Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame;
+     With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire,
+     And rolls of science in one blaze expire.
+     But England, like the lion, grows more fierce
+     As dangers multiply, and foes increase;
+     Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm,
+     In martial bands to shield their country arm,
+     And when we trembled for the city's fate,
+     Her youth stood forth the champions of the state;
+     Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie,
+     A parent land to save, or bravely die.
+     Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join,
+     In vain to crush them would the world combine;
+     Discord domestic would no more be known,
+     And brothers learn affection from the throne.
+     But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come
+     When you must bid him live, or seal his doom!
+     He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill
+     Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill.
+     The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail,
+     Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail
+     Who no commander ever disobey'd,
+     Or overlook'd the signals which he made.
+     Under your auspices the field I take,
+     For a young general some allowance make;
+     But if disgracefully my army's led,
+     Let this court-martial then cashier my head.
+
+
+ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE,
+
+Spoken At Newbury,
+
+In Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture,
+
+     Who Had Published
+     Some Lines On Dreaming
+     She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet.
+
+     Written By Mr. Pratt.
+
+     'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart,
+     The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart;
+     Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew,
+     And with it every grace and muse withdrew.
+     But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam,
+     For wit and taste soon brought the truant home!
+     One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung,
+     Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung;
+     Thither it went, the virtues in its train,
+     To hail the panting blessing back again.
+     On its fair throne it now appears as Queen,
+     And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene;
+     Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread
+     The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled.
+     Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here;
+     Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there:
+     In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor,
+     It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door,
+     And smiles, with him, that riot is no more.
+
+
+
+
+LECTURE ON HEADS.
+
+
+
+
+PART I.
+
+{1}Every single speaker, who, like me, attempts to entertain an
+audience, has not only the censure of that assembly to dread, but also
+every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice,
+judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in
+his favour is, _a hope_ that he may meet with that indulgence which
+an English audience are so remarkable _for_, and that every exhibition
+stands so much in need _of_."
+
+This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of
+Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the
+place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they
+have always, since that time, been called _curtain lectures_.
+
+{2}But, before I pretend to make free with other people's heads, it may
+be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could
+be said to the purpose; but, after many experiments, finding I could not
+make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I could
+do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads belonging to other people. But
+here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I confess I have more than once
+wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my poor abilities will bring
+a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius erected a temple to
+Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and from their union
+sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George
+Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man universally
+acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who gave
+peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with
+flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies;
+he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the
+highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now,
+blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to
+acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now
+enjoys that ease his talents {3}have earned, whilst Fame, like an
+evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams.
+With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his place,
+and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of
+conscious inferiority.
+
+A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere _bulbous
+excrescence_, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is
+supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the
+hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.
+
+Some of these heads are manufactured in _wood_, some in _pasteboard_;
+which is a hint to shew there may not only be _block-heads_, but also
+_paper-skulls_.
+
+{4}Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits
+fly up into the _head_, and the blood rushes violently back to the
+_heart_. Hence it is, politicians compare the human constitution and
+the nation's constitution together: they supposing the head to be the
+_court_ end of the town, and the heart the _country_; for people in the
+country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court seem to
+wish to be at the head of things.
+
+We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes
+they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look
+upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike.
+Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise
+they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks:
+as, for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to
+themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [_Here take
+them off._] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering
+with a foolish face of praise, [_make a face here_]; some laughing,
+some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least
+alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning _up_ the
+muscles to laugh [_do so here_], and _down_ to cry.
+
+{5}Yet laughter is much mistook, no person being capable of laughing,
+who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into
+violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any gradation, change
+at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[_Here shews the
+example._]
+
+In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [_Shews the
+head. _]
+
+This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering,
+tip-toe, tripping animalculæ of the times, that flutter about fine women
+like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their
+shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch
+equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer
+{6}such things about them, as they wear soufflée gauze, not as things of
+value, but merely to make a shew with: they never say any thing to the
+purpose; but with this in their hands [_takes up an eye-glass_] they
+stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ
+of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they imagine themselves possessed
+of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a
+look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their
+arms.--"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour,
+an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She must be one of us; she
+must be comeatable, 'pon honour."--"No, Sir," replies a stranger, that
+overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."--"Is she so? I'll look
+at her again--ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I
+look at her again, there is something devilish un-genteel about her."
+
+{7}_Wigs_, as well as _books_, are furniture for the head, and both
+_wigs_ and _books_ are sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore
+suppose this wig [_shews a large wig_] to be a huge quarto in large
+paper; this is a duodecimo in small print [_takes the knowing head_];
+and this a jockey's head, sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [_Takes
+the jockey's head._] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great
+affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side
+of the post the rider pleases: but what sort of heads must those people
+have who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking
+funds with their capitals? These are a couple of heads which, in the
+{8}Sportsman's Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a
+great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they
+dress themselves in these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity
+of ahead, to shew they have taken their degrees from students in the
+stable, up to the masters of arts, upon a coach-box. [_ Gives the two
+heads off, and takes the book-case._]
+
+The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up
+wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a
+parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A
+student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law
+books cut from a _whipping-post_; physical dictionaries may be had in
+_Jesuits' bark_; a treatise upon duels in _touchwood_; the history
+of opposition in _wormwood_; Shakespeare's works in _cedar_, his
+commentators in _rotten wood_; the reviewers in birch, and the history
+of England in _heart of oak_.
+
+Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and
+militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their
+own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece
+of broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have
+{9}borrowed their education from these libraries, and have wooden, very
+wooden tastes indeed. [_ Gives it off._]
+
+Here's a head full charged for _fun_ [_takes the head_], a comical
+half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what
+a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always
+laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must
+always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was
+always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do
+you call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now
+be comical a little." But if there is no {10}other person will speak, he
+will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die with laughing," and
+he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most comicallest story
+that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he always interlards
+his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was
+a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me
+again;----did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your born
+days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any person
+even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he puts
+on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says,
+"It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so,
+that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [_Puts on a foolish look, and gives
+the head off._]
+
+{11}Here is Master Jacky [_takes the head_], mamma's darling; when she
+was with child of him she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion.
+He was never suffered to look into a book for fear of making him
+round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that; his mamma's
+woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could calculate to a
+single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a codlin tart. He
+wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's tucker, and
+placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no other use
+of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly such a
+character in view by his _dulcissime rerum_--"sweetest of all things;"
+all essence and effeminacy; {12}and that line of his--_Quid Agis,
+dulcissime rerum?_ may be rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As
+they have rivalled the ladies in the delicacy of their complexion, the
+ladies therefore have a right to make reprisals, and to take up that
+manliness which our sex seems to have cast off.
+
+Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [_Takes up the head._] She
+looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day
+to follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the
+morning, with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion
+covered with milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley
+water. This does honour to creation; this {13}disgraces it. And so far
+have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate affections, that,
+if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might be taken for
+Miss Jenny [_puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky_]; therefore
+grammarians can neither rank them as _masculine_ or _feminine_, so set
+them down of the _doubtful_ gender. [_Puts off the heads._]
+
+Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds,
+some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish
+clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the
+honest fellow is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is
+singing-master, who is to keep the company alive for four or five hours;
+then your honest fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They
+married into Folly's family, from whom they received this crest, and
+which nobody chooses to be known by. [_ Takes up the fool's cap._]
+
+{14}This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer known; it never comes
+home to any body, and is often observed to belong to every body but
+themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term nothing,
+although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made such
+use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing,
+and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to
+twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are
+very apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty
+to fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are
+very careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what
+all our thinking comes to; and then, {15}what between our losses and our
+gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with the addition of
+old age, we can but strike this balance [_Takes the board with
+cyphers_]--These are a number of nothings, they are hieroglyphics of
+part of human kind; for in life, as well as in arithmetic, there are
+a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers, mean nothing in
+themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the addition of a
+single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in an instant.
+The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into something by
+the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [_Turns the
+board, shews the golden one._] But, as these persons' gains come from
+nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they
+who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they
+have nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have
+done nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus
+concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he
+has properly executed, by making nothing of it.
+
+{16}This is the head of a London Blood, taken from the life. [_Holds the
+head up._] He wears a bull's forehead for a fore-top, in commemoration
+of that great blood of antiquity, called Jupiter, who turned himself
+into a bull to run away with Europa: and to this day bloods are
+very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined that all mirth
+consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a waiter out of
+the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a beggar in
+a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against a wall,
+hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round the
+room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty."
+
+{17}He was quite the thing, either for kicking up a riot, or keeping
+it up after he had kicked it up: he was quite the thing, for one day he
+kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about the streets: another time he
+shoved a blind horse into a china shop--_that was damned jolly_: he was
+a constant customer to the round house: a terror to modest women, and a
+dupe to the women of the town; of which this is exhibited as a portrait.
+[_ Take the head._] This is the head of a Man of the Town, or a Blood;
+and this of a Woman of the Town, or a ------; but whatever other title
+the lady may have, we are not entitled to take notice of it; all that we
+can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one {18}moment to Pity; let not
+delicacy be offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these
+unhappy examples of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular
+festivity, indiscretion appears thus--[_takes off that, shews the
+other:_] but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore
+ought common opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that
+betrays female honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty
+is robbed, the hue and cry which is raised, is never raised in her
+favour; deceived by ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue
+criminal, she is ruined by our sex, and prevented reformation by the
+reproaches of her own. [_Takes it off._] As this is the head of a Blood
+going to keep it up [_takes it off_], here is the head of a Blood after
+he has kept it up. [_Shews that head._] This is the head of a married
+Blood--what a pretty piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of
+delicacy's bed-chamber: What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with
+a bumper in his hand, to think of a wife: that would be spoiling his
+sentiment: no, he is to keep it up, and to shew in what manner our
+London Bloods do keep it up. We shall conclude the first part of this
+lecture by attempting a specimen--[_puts on the Blood's wig_]: "Keep it
+up, huzza! {19}keep it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father
+last April day. I will tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping
+it up, faith, so about four o'clock this morning I went down into the
+kitchen, and there was Will the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire;
+the dog cannot keep it up as we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly,
+and takes the tongs, and I takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire,
+as big as my head, and I plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I
+loves fun; so it has lamed the fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You
+talk of your saying good things; I said one of the best things last week
+that ever any man said in all the world. It was what you call your
+_rappartées_, your _bobinâtes_. I'll tell you what it was: You must
+know, I was in high spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man,
+for I do love fun! so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that
+made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, 'Hip, master, do you want
+your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind what I said to the
+blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Then
+says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'--Keep it up! keep it
+up!--That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a
+parson, I always do; and my brother he {20}is a parson too, and he hates
+to hear any body swear; so I always swear when I am along with him, to
+roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my
+sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I
+sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was half over, for I loves
+fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me, and I begun to
+swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my new oaths;
+it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my brother
+looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his knife and
+fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, _Oh Tempora!
+oh Mores!_---'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think to frighten me,
+by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind you, nor your
+family neither--Only bring Tempora and Mores here, that's all; I'll box
+them for five pounds; here,--where's Tempora and Mores? where are
+they?--Keep it up! keep it up!"
+
+END OF PART I.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+THE FIVE SCIENCES: ARCHITECTURE, PAINTING, POETRY, MUSIC, AND
+ASTRONOMY.
+
+{21}This is a small exhibition of pictures. These pictures are placed
+here to shew the partiality of the present times. Formerly seven cities
+contended for the honour of having Homer for their countryman; but as
+soon as it was known these sciences were born in England, the whole club
+of Connoiseurs exclaimed against them, saying, it was impossible that
+there could be any real genius among them, our atmosphere being too
+thick and too heavy to nourish any fine ideas. These sciences, being
+found out to be mere English, were treated as impostors; for, as they
+had not ft handsome wife, nor sister, to speak for them, not one single
+election vote in their family, nor a shilling in their pockets to bribe
+the turnpike {22}door-keeper, they could not succeed; besides, Chinese,
+zig-zag, and gothic imitations, monopolized all premiums: and the envy
+of prejudice, and the folly of fashion, made a party against them. They
+were so weak in themselves, as to imagine the merits of their works
+would recommend them to the world. Poor creatures! they knew nothing of
+the world, to suppose so; for merit is the only thing in the world not
+recommendable. To prevent starving, Architecture hired herself as a
+brick-layer's {23}labourer to a Chinese temple-builder; Painting took on
+as a colour-grinder to a paper-stainer; Poetry turned printer's devil;
+Music sung ballads about the streets: and Astronomy {24}sold almanacks.
+They rambled about in this manner for some time; at last, they picked
+up poor Wit, who lay ill of some bruises he had received one masquerade
+night.
+
+As poor Wit was coming down the Haymarket, just as the masquerade
+was breaking up, the noise of a pickpocket was announced, upon which
+Buffoonery fell upon Wit, and mangled him most piteously. Invention
+stood Wit's friend, and help-ed him to make his escape to those
+Sciences. Now it happened that night, Lady Fashion had lost her
+lap-dog, which Wit found, and brought to these his companions, for
+whom Architecture built a little house; Painting made a portrait of it:
+Poetry wrote a copy of verses upon it, which Music put a tune to; and
+Astronomy calculated the dear creature's nativity; which so pleased Lady
+Fashion, that she recommended them to the house of Ostentation, but left
+Wit behind, because as wit was out of taste, Fashion would not have
+any thing to say to it. However, some of her Ladyship's upper servants
+invited Wit into the steward's room, and, according to the idea some
+folks have of Wit, they begged he'd be comical. One brought him a poker
+to bend over his arm; another desired he would eat a little fire for 'em
+before dinner; the {25}butler requested a tune upon the musical glasses;
+my lady's woman desired he would tell her fortune by the cards; and the
+grooms said, "as how, if his honour was a wit, he could ride upon three
+horses at once." But before Wit could answer to any of these questions,
+the French governess belonging to the family came down stairs, and
+ordered Wit to be turned out of doors, saying, "Vat want you vid Vit,
+when you are studying à la Françoise? I'll vous assurez, I'll vous
+assurez, if you will have us for your masters, you must have no vit at
+all." [_The sciences taken off._]
+
+Poor Wit being turned out of doors, wandered about friendless, for
+it was never yet known that a man's wit ever gained him a friend. He
+applied himself to the proprietors of the newspapers, but upon their
+inquiring whether he understood politics, and being totally ignorant of
+them, they would not employ him. He enquired after Friendship, but found
+Friendship was drowned at the last general election; he went to find out
+Hospitality, but Hospitality being invited to a turtle-feast, there was
+no room for Wit; he asked after Charity, but it being found that Charity
+was that day run over by a bishop's new set of coach-horses, he died
+broken-hearted, being a distemper which, although {26}not catalogued in
+the Materia Medica, is very epidemical among beautiful women, and men
+of genius, who, having worn themselves out in making other people
+happy, are at last neglected, and left to perish amid age and infirmity,
+wondering how the world could be so ungrateful.
+
+Here is the Head of a Connoisseur. [_Takes the head._]--Though born in
+this kingdom, he had travelled long enough to fall in love with every
+thing foreign, and despise every thing belonging to his own country,
+except himself. He pretended to be a great judge of paintings, but only
+admired those done a great way off, and a great while ago; he could not
+bear anything done by any of his own countrymen; and one day being in
+an auction-room where {27}there was a number of capital pictures, and,
+among the rest, an inimitable piece of painting of fruits and flowers,
+the Connoisseur would not give his opinion of the picture until he had
+examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by an Englishman, he
+pulled out his eye-glass [_Takes the eyeglass,_] "O, Sir," says he,
+"these English fellows have no more idea of genius than a Dutch skipper
+has of dancing a cotillion; the dog has spoiled a fine piece of canvas;
+he's worse than a Harp-Alley sign-post dauber; there's no keeping,
+no perspective, no fore-ground;--why there now, the fellow {28}has
+attempted to paint a fly upon that rose-bud, why it's no more like a fly
+than I am like an a--a--." But as the connoisseur approached his finger
+to the picture, the fly flew away---His eyes are half closed; this is
+called the wise man's wink, and shews he can see the world with half
+an eye; he had so wonderful a penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he
+always could see how every thing was to be--after the affair was over.
+
+Then talking of the affairs of administration, he told his lordship,
+that he could see how things were all along, they could not deceive him.
+"I can see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the
+lead, they won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme
+that ever could be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme
+that he found out, he discovered to the ministry as follows:
+
+"Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without
+burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I
+would have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water.
+Who'll buy it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or
+they never could work their boats any more: there's a {29}scheme to
+pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh
+tax." [_ Takes the head off._]
+
+Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your
+worldly-wise men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes
+of faith, and would have a reason given him for every thing. He
+disinherited his only son because the lad could not give him a reason
+why a black hen laid a white egg. He was a great materialist, and thus
+he proved the infinity of matter. He told them, that all round things
+were globular, all square things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is
+equal to the top, and the top equal to the bottom, and the {30}bottom
+and the top are equal to the four sides, _ergo_, all matter is as broad
+as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove
+matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter.
+[_ Takes off the head._]
+
+We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state--in
+a state of intoxication. [_Shews the head._]
+
+These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open
+and shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an
+election picture [_shews it_]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis an
+interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those
+we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is {31}madman's holiday,
+'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day, takes to
+market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being considered
+as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make his
+wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [_ Gives
+off the picture. _] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial
+insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it,
+because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't
+say as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve
+the liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [_Gives off the head._]
+
+The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon
+Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was
+the returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her
+with the golden apple. [_ Takes up the money._] Juno, on her approaching
+Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with
+a mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob.
+Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and
+if he would be her friend, she would teach him _propria quæ maribus_.
+But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make {32}use of
+words, gave him such a look as put her in possession of the golden
+apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude to Paris, who had so well
+managed the election for her, made him a present of several slices of
+that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that event, such slices
+have been made use of as presents at all other general elections; they
+have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical wires, let a
+hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be the same;
+but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which is, that
+though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people.
+
+It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the
+English; nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it
+will not make palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this
+town to every adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase
+is; no matter what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it
+be a woman riding upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without
+any head at all, debating upon politics and religion at Westminster
+Forum: but here, let not my fair countrywomen condemn me as an
+unmannerly satirist; we respect the taste and understanding, as much as
+we admire {33}the beauty and delicacy of the sex; but surely no woman of
+sense would suppose we meant to offend her, if we said she was the most
+improper person in the world to be made a captain of horse, or a member
+of parliament.
+
+This is the head [_takes the head_] of a Female Moderator, or President
+of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a demonstration that
+man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and that her sex has a
+just right to participation of both with him: she would have physicians
+in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French curls; then she
+would have _young_ women of spirit to command our fleets and armies, and
+_old_ ones to govern the state:--she pathetically laments that {34}women
+are considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings,
+pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough.
+If this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we
+may expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general
+has miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment
+she opened the budget.
+
+This is the head [_shews it_] of a Male Moderator, and president of
+eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for
+fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing
+but those things which we {35}ought to learn: but this is a school to
+teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a cobler into a Demosthenes;
+make him thunder over porter, and lighten over gin, and qualify him to
+speak on either side of the question in the house of commons, who has
+not so much as a single vote for a member of parliament.
+
+Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut
+and dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been
+cabbaged; here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry;
+here the minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be
+shifted; that the king's household wants a better manager; that there is
+no necessity for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set
+of very bad actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge
+his prompter. Some time ago, the president of this society had a great
+constitutional point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the
+satisfaction of the ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of
+state, and with the crack of her fan opened the business of the evening;
+declaring, as women had wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic
+employment, she saw no reason why their knowledge should be confined to
+the dress of a {36}head or the flounce of a petticoat; that government,
+in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, nay more;
+with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women did not
+rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at least, upon
+an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from the days
+of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who served
+in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding their
+plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the
+officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as
+much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics,"
+continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a
+Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy
+of '_Which is the Man_,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury?
+Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence
+of our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior
+eloquence of our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined
+in general plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con.
+perpetual president.
+
+{37}Before I put these heads on one side, I shall give a derivation of
+their title. Moderator is derived from _mode_, the fashion, and _rate_,
+a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies that Fashion advised these
+two to lay their heads together, in order to take advantage of the
+passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, and out-of-the-way
+undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that should inculcate
+the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, not finding his
+labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according to the value he
+sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an apostate from
+grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his hand, instead of
+a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras expresses it)
+a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that place, where
+nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth.
+
+{38}Among the many heads that have played upon the passions of the
+public, this is one [_takes the head'_] that did cut a capital figure in
+that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the card-playing conjuring Jew.
+He could make matadores with a snap of his fingers, command the four
+aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But there is a great many
+people in London, besides this man, famous for playing odd tricks, and
+yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made a great figure in the
+law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the law is a profession
+that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any longer to load our
+heads with the weight of learning, or pore {39} for years over arts
+and sciences, when a few months' practice with these pasteboard
+pages [_takes the cards_] can make any man's fortune, without his
+understanding a single letter of the alphabet, provided he can but slip
+the cards, snap his fingers, and utter the unintelligible jargon of
+'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' like this Jonas. The
+moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of cards, he begins,
+"I am no common slight-of hand man; the common slight-of-hand men, they
+turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you believe their fingers
+deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one card, two cards, three
+cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; you look at the card
+at this side, you look at the card at that side, and I say blow the
+blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and now, sir, I
+will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can once more
+deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he do the
+like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on that
+side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is
+shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most
+practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself,
+{40}and finding his slights of hand turned to little or no account, now
+practises on notes of hand by discount, and is to be found every morning
+at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in dirt, and at two at
+the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, where these locusts
+of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of interest, supply the
+temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to out-wit 'em, had
+they even the cunning of a... Fox!
+
+Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [_shews the head_], a
+very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This
+head may be compared to a _disoblezeance_; for there is but one seat in
+it, and that is not the seat {41}of understanding: yet it is wonderful
+how much more rapidly this will move in the high road of preferment than
+one of your thinking, feeling, complex, English heads, in which honour,
+integrity, and reason, make such a pother, that no step can be taken
+without consulting them. This head, if I may be allowed to speak with
+an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his _feats_: but the last
+_fète_ he attempted proved his _defeat_; for, in springing too high, he
+got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for ever, and which none
+but a foreigner's head could recover.
+
+Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the
+houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust
+from their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the
+following picture--[_The picture brought, and he goes before it._]
+
+{42}Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer, maintained by us in all the
+luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground a maimed soldier and
+sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the insolence of the
+opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with the gallant
+Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of Minden.
+Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg--would it not
+be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to stand
+on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to
+sing to us for {43}the trifling sum of fifteen hundred or two thousand
+guineas yearly, in return for such their condescension, we cannot do too
+much for them, and that is the reason why we do so little for our own
+people. This is the way we reward those who only bring folly into the
+country, and the other is the way, and the only way, with which we
+reward our deliverers. [_The picture taken off._] Among the number of
+exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment, the head of an
+opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been exhibited,
+could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for that
+exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head
+for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this
+assembly do me the honour to accept it. [_Takes up the music-frame and
+book._]
+
+Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical
+scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We
+must suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a
+stranger to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And
+the want of wit made up by making of faces.
+
+{44}[_Changes wigs and sits down._] Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso,
+English be dumb, your language is but so so;
+
+     Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte,
+     Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirty
+     Mon charmant, prenez guarda,
+     Mind what your signior begs,
+     Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda,
+     You may rub my shirt to rags.
+     Vile you make the water hotter--
+     Uno solo I compose.
+     Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter,
+     And de little petty toes;
+     De petty toes are little feet,
+     De little feet not big,
+     Great feet belong to de grunting hog,
+     De petty toes to de little pig.
+     Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea,
+     Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a.
+     Ma bella dolce sogno,
+     Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono,
+     And a little slice
+     Of bread and butter nice.
+     A bravo bread, and butter
+     Bravissimo-----------imo.
+
+END OF PART II.
+
+
+
+
+PART III.
+
+[_Discovers two ladies on the table._] {45}In spite of all the sneers,
+prints, and paragraphs, that have been published to render the ladies'
+headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a fine woman to lead
+the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to find fault with
+it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of rendering the ladies
+ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich dressed lady
+without elegance.--Here is an elegant dressed lady without riches;
+for riches can no more give grace than they can beget understanding. A
+multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can never
+distinguish the gentlewoman. [_Gives off the delicate lady._] This is a
+representation of those misled ladies whose families having gained
+great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of their
+ancestors, {46}and turn up their nose at every thing mechanical, and
+call it _wulgar_. They are continually thrusting themselves among the
+nobility, to have it said they keep quality company, and for that empty
+qualification expose themselves to all the tortures of ill treatment;
+because it is a frolic for persons of rank to mortify such their
+imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity at second-hand,
+and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of beauty, by not
+having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in a labyrinth
+of fashionable intricacies. [_Gives the head off. Takes the head of
+Cleopatra._]
+
+Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of
+antiquity, called Cleopatra, {47}This is the way the ladies of antiquity
+used to dress their heads in a morning. [_Gives the head off._] And this
+is the way the ladies at present dress their heads in a morning. [_Takes
+the head._] A lady in this dress seems hooded like a hawk, with a
+blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One would imagine this fashion
+had been invented by some surly duenna, or ill-natured guardian, on
+purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or the other; and that may
+be the reason why now every young lady chooses to look forward. As the
+world is round, every thing turns round along with it; no wonder there
+should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses. This was in fashion
+two or three years past; this is the fashion of last year [_takes a head
+up_]; and this the morning headdress [_takes the head_] of this present
+_anno domini_. These are the winkers, and these are the blinkers.
+But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be treated with the utmost
+delicacy, all we can say of these three heads, thus hoodwinked, is, that
+they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus muffled, have a mind to
+play at blindman's buff together. [_Gives the heads off._]
+
+{48}We shall now exhibit the head of An Old Maid. [_Takes the head._]
+This is called antiquated virginity; it is a period when elderly
+unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes about in
+leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly unmarried
+ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind. Old maids
+are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too long on the
+lees will turn to vinegar.
+
+{49}Not to be partial to either sex [_takes the head up_], as a
+companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An Old Bachelor. These
+old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually abusing matrimony,
+without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When they are in company
+they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands, saying, if they
+were married, their wives should never go any where without asking their
+lords and masters' leave; and if they were married, the children should
+never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set the house to
+rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers abroad
+are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to some
+termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open their
+lips, {50}but are frightened even if she frowns. Old bachelors, in this,
+resemble your pretenders to atheism, who make a mock in public of
+what in private they tremble at and fall down to. When they become
+superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle through spectacles,
+and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of symphonies,
+and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put on my
+spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love song;
+'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &c. [_Laughs aloud._] How droll to hear
+the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without a tooth!
+[_Gives the head off._]
+
+{51}It is something odd that ladies shall have their charms all abroad
+in this manner [_takes the head_], and the very next moment this shall
+come souse over their _heads_, like an extinguisher. [_Pulls the calash
+over._] This is a hood in high taste at the upper end of the town; and
+this [_takes the head_] a hood in high taste at the lower end of the
+town. Not more different are these two heads in their dresses than
+they are in their manner of conversation: this makes use of a delicate
+dialect, it being thought polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot,
+_ca'ant_; must not _ma'ant_; shall not, _sha'ant_, This clipping
+of letters would be extremely detrimental to the current coin of
+conversation, did not these good dames make ample amends by adding
+supernumerary syllables when they talk of _break-fastes_, and
+_toastesses_, and running their heads against the postasses to avoid
+the wild _beastesses_. These female orators, brought up at the bar
+of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which,
+however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly
+conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between
+ancient and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to
+the purpose. Some people talk without saying any thing; some people
+{52}don't care what they say; some married men would be glad to have
+nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands would be full as glad
+if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [_ Gives the head
+off._] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion; modern oratory
+the knack of putting words, not things, together; for speech-makers now
+are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of their harangues;
+they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their goodness rated
+according as they hold out against time. For example, a gentleman lately
+coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly pleased with
+some debates which he had just then heard, one of his acquaintance
+begged the favour that he would tell the company what the debates were
+about.
+
+"About, Sir!--Yes, Sir.--About!--what were they debating about? Why they
+were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?" "What did
+they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two hours, three
+quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch, which is
+the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said, who
+should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking."
+"Which side was he of?" "Why {53}he was of my side, I stood close by him
+all the time."
+
+Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers,
+or orators. [_Takes the two heads up._] These in their life-time were
+heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners.
+_(Holds one head in each hand.)_ This Don Dismal's faction, is a
+representation of that discontented part of mankind who are always
+railing at the times, and the world, and the people of the world: This
+is a good-natured fellow, that made the best of every thing: and this
+Don Dismal would attack his brother--"Oh, brother! brother! brother!
+what will this world come to?" "The same place it set out from this day
+twelve-month." "When will the nation's debt be paid {54}off?" "Will
+you pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times--very
+slippery times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become
+of our liberty?--Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be
+sure." "I can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [_
+Gives the heads off._]
+
+It may seem strange to those spectators [_takes the head_] who are
+unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such
+caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such
+enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the
+good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the
+ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old
+England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as
+part of their head-dresses [_lets down the tail and takes out the wool_],
+keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [_Takes off the
+head._]
+
+But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in
+the Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tête from a puppet-show
+woman, and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls
+with, fancied a whisp of hay might {55}do. [_Takes the head._] Here
+is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery; and here is her
+new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at her garret
+dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to receive a
+letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house again, the
+postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by way of
+forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but may the
+ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order. Amen.
+
+Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words,
+which are, _simplex munditiis_. Now these two words cannot be properly
+translated; {56}their best interpretation is that of a young Female
+Quaker. [_Takes the head._] Such is the effect of native neatness.
+Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to adorn her, nor
+artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which satire has
+dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering the
+features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces.
+[_Gives the head off._] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like
+pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging
+under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the
+sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers
+as men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or
+that they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would
+fly at any thing scarlet. [_Takes the head off._] But such practitioners
+should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.--If
+bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of
+his work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by
+the art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made
+them. If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take
+such liberties with her sex, by {57}way of atonement for that part of
+my behaviour which may appear culpable, I humbly beg leave to offer a
+nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' faces in perpetual bloom,
+and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and I dare venture to
+affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be of so much
+service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of this.
+[_Shews the girdle of good temper._]
+
+Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry
+with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle
+op Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear {58}lovely to her
+husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married
+folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or
+wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear
+this girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husband _begs_ his
+wife, the wife _insists_ upon the husband's putting it on; in the
+contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will
+condescend to stoop first to take it up. [_Lays down the girdle._]. Bear
+and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry
+Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four
+radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time
+making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it.
+Their horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the
+reason why married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields.
+Many a couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage
+that can convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the
+postcoach of ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence,
+Luxury, and Credit; the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust,
+Tyranny, and Oppression; the servants out of livery, that wait at table,
+{59}are Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were
+ladies once to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again
+they would choose to appear in such a character.
+
+Here is a Lady [_takes up the picture_] in her true tranquil state of
+mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare
+that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses
+to be herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the
+reverse of this medallion is the same lady when she chooses _not_ to be
+in temper, and _not_ to be herself. [_Turns the picture._] This face is
+put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she has
+lost a _sans prendre_, when her lap-dog's foot is trod {60}upon, or when
+her husband has dared to contradict her. Some married ladies may have
+great cause of complaint against their husbands' irregularities; but is
+this a face to make those husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such
+looks as these [_turns the picture_] they are to be won: and may the
+ladies hereafter only wear such looks, and may this never more be known
+[_turns the picture_] only as a picture taken out of Æsop's Fables.
+[_Gives off the picture._]
+
+May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good
+ones as fast as they can.
+
+It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of
+courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards.
+Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and
+sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through
+matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands
+are seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this
+name--[_Shews the girdle of indifference._] Courtship is matrimony's
+running footman, but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is
+too often carried away by the two grand preservatives of matrimonial
+{61}friendship, delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper
+very mortal to the honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized
+with, and the college of physicians call it by this title--[_Shews the
+girdle of the sullens._]
+
+This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with
+which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the
+arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed
+earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in
+the mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping
+about the room, and looking at his lady {62}like the devil: at last he
+abruptly demands of her her,
+
+"What's the matter with you, madam?"
+
+The lady mildly replies,
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What is it you mean, madam?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What would you make me, madam?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What is it I have done to you, madam?"
+
+"O--h--nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at breakfast. The
+lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was made with Thames
+water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that the
+tea-kettle was filled out of the New River.
+
+{63}From a scene of matrimonial tumult here is one of matrimonial
+tranquillity. [_Matrimonial picture brought on, and you go forward._]
+Here is an after-dinner wedlock _tête-à-tête_, a mere matrimonial
+_vis-à-vis_; the husband in a yawning state of dissipation, and the lady
+in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A nothing-to-doishness. If
+an unexpected visitor should happen to break in upon their solitude,
+the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is horribly chagrined, and
+most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in such a deshabille:
+but, upon honour, she did not mind {64}how her clothes were huddled on,
+not expecting any company, there being nobody at home but her husband."
+
+The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am
+heartily glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost
+asleep; for, as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know
+what to do with myself."
+
+END OF PART III.
+
+
+
+
+PART IV.
+
+{65}We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable,
+both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare;
+_considerandi, considerando, considerandum_; and are not to be meddled
+with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expressing itself
+with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or
+genders, except indeed when a _woman_ happens accidentally to be slain,
+then the verdict is always brought in _man_-slaughter. The essence of
+the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate,
+irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the quintessence of the law has,
+according to its name, five parts. The first is the _beginning_, or
+_incipiendum_; the second the _uncertainty_, or _dubitandum_; the
+third _delay_, or _puzzliendum_; fourthly _replication_ without _endum_;
+and, fifthly, _monstrum et horrendum_.
+
+{66}All which are exemplified in the following cases, Daniel against
+Dishclout.--Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was
+cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to
+take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he
+was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid; the pleadings of
+which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant
+Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour to be pitched upon
+to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume
+to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about circumlocutory
+manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any
+ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to shew
+what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon.
+Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the same family with
+Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the
+fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attachment on the
+sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied with her left,
+tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's
+Reports, Slack _versus_ Small wood, it is said that _primus {67}strocus
+sine jocus, absolutus est provokus_. Now who gave the _primus strocus?_
+who gave the first offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan
+there; for, my Lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we
+could not have been thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan
+had not been there, for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have
+tumbled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began
+with, "My Lord, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not
+much to say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at once; at
+once and immediately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor:
+the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding,
+common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself, as Dr.
+Biblibus declares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio
+volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that
+a drunken man is _homo duplicans_, or a double man; not only because he
+sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be,
+_profecto ipse_ he; but is as he should not be, _defecto tipse_ he."
+
+{68}The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his
+ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically.
+He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do
+conceive I have the authority to declare that I am counsel in this case
+for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not flourish away in
+words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people may think them
+an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one
+can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Lord,
+this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for
+the law knows no medium, and {69}right and wrong are but its shadows.
+Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's
+premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a kitchen is not a
+warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a bake-house, an
+inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my Lord, 'tis
+absolutely and _bona fide_ neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as
+the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, _camera necessaria pro
+usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo,
+stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding
+mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et
+calepashibus_.
+
+"But we shall not avail ourselves of an _alibi_, but admit of the
+existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new
+ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from
+plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if
+they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the
+law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them."
+Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law
+is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
+
+{70}By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the
+fool with himself; but some people, fearful it would take from their
+consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes the appearance of
+keeping fools in great families. [_Takes the head._] Thus are they
+dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are related to
+all the wise families in the kingdom.
+
+This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is
+without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's
+head. This is the head of Somebody. [_Takes the head._] It has two
+faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these
+faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face
+is exhibited as a hint to that part {71}of mankind who are always
+whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody,
+and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty,
+one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master
+called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of naming
+any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse
+Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the
+word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster,
+you are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her
+very well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene;
+I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling
+at the partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported
+if he snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment
+for those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would
+fall hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers
+could not continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods.
+
+{72}Here is the head [_takes it_] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his
+mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and this is exhibited as an emblem
+of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the
+faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of
+others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head
+[_takes it_] of Everybody. [_ Turns the head round._] This is to show
+how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or
+what every body will say. Nay, there is not a poor country wench,
+when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will
+immediately reply to him, "Lord!--Your honour!--What will the world
+say?" And this, _what will the {73}world say_, is what everybody is
+anxious after, although it is hardly worth anybody's while to trouble
+their heads with the world's sayings.
+
+These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a
+fifth head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after
+something about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out
+Everybody's business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his
+pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads
+the fib of each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper,
+the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives
+Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as
+Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and,
+at last, there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From
+these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation
+demonstrates the odds are so much against them; but Hope flatters them,
+Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty
+thousand pounds prizes must come to Somebody [_gives the head off_];
+and, as Anybody may have them [_gives the head off_], and Nobody
+{74}knows who [_gives the head off_], Everybody buys lottery-tickets.
+[_Gives the head off._]
+
+Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the
+attention of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking,
+conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity
+of his hearers. Yet it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this
+address; for, to shew in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here
+exposes the head of flattery. [_Takes the head._]
+
+This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that
+is the reason why poor {75}wits are always the greatest flatterers. The
+ancients had several days they called lucky and unlucky ones; they
+were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery
+distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining profile;
+to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least approach
+of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [_Opens the
+head._] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the
+moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to
+suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they
+greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without
+considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is
+intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows:
+This head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it
+then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two
+knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at
+the same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the
+knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It
+is a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!"
+replied the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black
+{76}head." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords
+flew out, and they hacked and hewed one another so long, that, at last,
+fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground; then, lifting
+up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A
+venerable hermit coming by, bound up their wounds, placed them again on
+horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, That they never hereafter
+should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without
+having previously examined both sides of the question.
+
+We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national
+characters.
+
+{77}Here is the head of a Frenchman [_shews the head_], all levity and
+lightness, singing and capering from morning till night, as if he looked
+upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty and law but a jig. Yet
+Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though he lives in a country
+that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute monarch. Has he
+property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and the slave
+is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon in the
+country to which a _lettre de cachet_ conveys him, and buries the wretch
+for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the cause?"
+
+{78}"_Je ne sçai pas_, it is de will of de Grand Monarch." Give him a
+_soupe maigre_, a little sallad, and a hind quarter of a frog, and he's
+in spirits.--"_Fal, lai, lai, vive le roy, vive la bagatelle_." He is
+now the declared enemy of Great Britain: ask him, "Why?--has England
+done your country an injury?" "Oh no." "What then is your cause of
+quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de liberty to de subject. She will
+have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir, de Grand Monarch have send
+out de fleet and de army to chastise de English; and, ven de America are
+free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American himself." "But, Monsieur,
+is France able to cope with England on her own element, the sea?" "_Oh!
+pourquois non?_" "Why not?"
+
+{79}Here is the head of a British Tar [_shews the head_]; and, while
+England can man her navy with thousands of these spirits, Monsieur's
+threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises danger, wounds,
+and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if (like a
+salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action grows
+hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no reward
+for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so honourable
+as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a French
+sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand to
+his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution--"_Ah, mon
+bon pere, avez pitié de moi!_" when he
+
+{80}should look death in the face like a man. This brave tar saw the
+gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a blaze, his eye fixed
+on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning to shrink, waiting
+with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he was to die
+gloriously in the service of his country.
+
+Here is the head of a Spaniard, [_Shews the head._] But first I had
+better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two
+allies. Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did,
+for peace with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the
+latter end {81}of the last war, the British fleets thundering in their
+ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for the calamities
+brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was taken
+prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he asked,
+upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman,
+detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous
+people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his
+ally to persevere. _Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami_.--"Wait, my good
+friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave Don,
+"for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over
+their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession
+of madness and folly.
+
+{82}This is the head [_shews it_] of Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho
+Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great merchant at Rotterdam; who had
+amassed an immense fortune by supplying the enemies of Great Britain
+with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should die as he has lived
+by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises; and these, in the
+vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover any advantage, it
+is but breaking them, and down with friendship and honour in a bite.
+He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and principal a
+Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He looks upon
+money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring {83}the
+greatest dainty. If you would ask him what wisdom is, he'll answer
+you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence is, he'll reply, Stock: and
+should you inquire who made him, he would say, Stock; for Stock is the
+only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of his wit, his whole
+Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would judge of his
+conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His conduct
+to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by Hogarth's Paul
+before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian angel, Conscience,
+has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the devil, taking
+advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which the apostle
+is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted genius
+has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has received
+blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as her
+dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean.
+
+When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their
+characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to
+inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There
+is a noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to
+{84}behold illustrious actions with wonder and delight, but kindles also
+a desire of attaining the same degree of excellence. The Romans, who
+well knew this principle in human nature, decreed triumphs to their
+generals, erected obelisks and statues in commemoration of their
+victories; and to this day the cabinet of the antiquarian preserves
+records of the victories of a Germanicus, the generosity of a Titus, or
+the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then should not England adopt
+the practice of the Romans, a people who reached the highest pinnacle of
+military glory? It is true that some of our great generals have marble
+monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not the living enjoy
+the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to have their
+victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it be when
+men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will then
+sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British Hero; a
+title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent valour of
+the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool intrepidity of
+the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of a Soldier
+and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. His mind
+active and {85}vigorous, burning with the thirst of honour, flew to
+posts of danger with a rapidity which gave tenfold value to his military
+exertions, and rendered his onsets terrible as resistless. No expedition
+appeared to him either difficult or impracticable that was to be
+undertaken for the good of the cause he had embarked in. Fortune too
+seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved his life in many
+actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm without shewing
+an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was exposed, he has
+still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his country. As he
+is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to be expected
+from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and fame. And
+oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had resembled
+Tableton!
+
+END OF PART IV.
+
+
+
+
+PART V.
+
+{86}We shall now return to the law, for our laws are full of returns,
+and we we shall shew a compendium of law [_takes the wig_]; parts of
+practice in the twist of the tail.--The depth of a full bottom denotes
+the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif behind, like a
+blistering plaister, seems to shew us that law is a great irritator, and
+only to be used in cases of necessity.
+
+We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for,
+like a poor periwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the
+same block.
+
+[_Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay._]
+
+{87}Law is law, law is law, and as in such and so forth, and hereby, and
+aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a
+country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law
+is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it.
+It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is
+like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is like a scolding
+wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are
+bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are
+glad when they get out of it.
+
+{88}We shall now mention a cause, called "Bullum _versus_ Boatum:" it
+was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows.
+
+There were two farmers; farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or
+possessed of a bull: farmer B was possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the
+owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore,
+with a piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, _vulgo
+vocato_, a hay-band.
+
+After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very
+natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A's
+bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to
+look for a dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying-out,
+some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into
+the ferry-boat: he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal,
+fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings,
+floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock;
+beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard;
+whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat,
+for running away with the bull. The owner of the boat brought his action
+against the bull for running away with the {89} boat. And thus notice of
+trial was given, Bullum _versus_ Boatum, Boatum _versus_ Bullum.
+
+Now the Counsel for the bull began with saying, "My Lord, and you
+gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are
+indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my Lord, we have heard
+of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my Lord, the
+bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be
+said to run away with the horses; therefore, my Lord, how can we punish
+what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can
+we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on
+what is not thinkable? Therefore, my {90}Lord, as we are counsel in this
+cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the
+jury would be guilty of a bull."
+
+The counsel for the boat observed that the bull should be nonsuited,
+because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of;
+for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel.--"My Lord, if
+the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was
+not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I over-ruled this
+motion myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is
+no colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their
+heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing.
+This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both
+bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river
+carried them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the
+tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat
+had a good action against the water-bailiff.
+
+My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse,
+this point of law arose, How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and
+what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the {91}boat was not a
+_compos mentis_ evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point
+was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring that, for his client, he
+would swear any thing.
+
+The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original
+record in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that
+they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb.
+The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows. "_Aquæ bailiffi est
+magistrates in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et
+scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus
+reveris lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni,
+whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus_;" that is, not turbots alone, but
+turbots and soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the law;
+the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by
+addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to
+avoid quibbling; but, it being proved that they were carried away
+neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon
+the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of
+the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin
+again, _de novo_.
+
+{92}This is one of those many thousand Heads [_takes the head_] who
+swarm in and about London, whose times and minds are divided between
+the affairs of state and the affairs of a kitchen. He was anxious after
+venison and politics; he believed every cook to be a great genius; and
+to know how to dress a turtle comprehended all the arts and sciences
+together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to read about battles;
+and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be knock'd on the
+head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He read every
+political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the question, and
+was always on his side whom he read last.
+
+{93}And then he'd come home in a good or ill temper and call for his
+night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for some neighbours to sit
+with him, and talk politics together. [_Puts on a cap, and takes the
+pipes and sits down._]
+
+"How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are
+hard times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of
+venison without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we
+should have warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper.
+Ay, ay; I think I know a thing or two; I think I do, that's all. But,
+Lord, what signifies what one knows? they don't mind me! You know I
+{94}mentioned at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the
+company took me up, and said, 'What signifies America, when we are all
+in a merry cue?' So they all fell a laughing. Now there's Commons made
+Lords, and there's Lords made the Lord knows what; but that's nothing to
+us; they make us pay our taxes; they take care of that; ay, ay, ay, they
+are sure of that. Pray what have they done for these twenty years last
+past?--Why, nothing at all; they have only made a few turnpike roads,
+and kept the partridges alive till September; that's all they have done,
+for the good of their country. There were some great people formerly,
+that lov'd their country, that did every thing for the good of their
+country; there were your Alexander the Great--he lov'd his country,
+and Julius Caesar lov'd his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his
+country, and Queen Semiramis, she lov'd her country more than any of
+'em, for she invented solomon-gundy; that's the best eating in the whole
+world. Now I'll shew you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive.--We'll
+suppose this drop of punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very
+well. These pieces of cork to be our men of war; very well. Now where
+shall I raise my fortifications? I wish I had Mr. Major {95}Moncrieff
+here; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification. Oh! I
+have it. [_Breaks the pipes._] We'll suppose them to be all the strong
+fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort,
+Bergen op Zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all
+over the world. Now I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats,
+and all our foot-infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd
+cross the sea before you could say Jack Robinson. And where
+do you think they should land, Mr. Costive? whisper me that.
+Ha!--What?--When?--How?--You don't know.--How should you!--Was you ever
+in Germany or Bohemia?--Now, I have; I understands jography. Now they
+should land in America, under the line, close to the south pole; there
+they should land every mother's babe of 'em. Then there's the Catabaws,
+and there's the Catawaws; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs
+and rees; they are the four great nations. Then I takes my Catabaws all
+across the continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to
+the Mediterranean. You know where the Mediterranean is?--No, you
+know nothing; I'll tell you; the Mediterranean is the metropolis of
+Constantinople. Then I'd send a fleet to blockade {96}Paris till the
+French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for General
+Clinton and Colonel Tarleton; and--Where was I, Mr. Costive; with
+Tarleton;--Thank ye--so I was; but you are so dull, Mr Costive, you put
+me out. Now I'll explain the whole affair to you; you shan't miss a word
+of it. Now there is the king of Prussia and the empress of Russia,
+and the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in
+the Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the Cham
+of Tartary's back setlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a
+_circumbendibus_, and retakes all the islands, Rhode Island and all; and
+takes 'em _here_ and _there_, and _there_ and _here_, and _every where_.
+There is the whole affair explained at once to you."
+
+This is the head of a Proud Man: all heads in that predicament are
+unsound. This man was rich; and as wealth is a certain hot-bed to raise
+flatterers, he had enough of them; they told him he was every thing; he
+believed them, and always spoke in the first person, saying, I, I,
+I--I will have it so; I know it;--I, I--which puts one in mind of a
+school-boy toning out before his mistress's knees, I by itself I. Yet
+there is one piece of pride which may be thought excusable; and {97}that
+is, that honest exultation of heart which every public performer feels
+from the approbation of his auditors; gratefully does he acknowledge
+their indulgence, and with sincerity declares that the utmost exertion
+of his abilities can never equal the favour of the public.
+
+By way of Epilogue, here are two wigs. [_Takes two wigs._] This is
+called the full-buckled bob, and carries a consequentially along with
+it: it is worn by those people who frequent city feasts, and gorge
+themselves at a Lord-Mayor's-show dinner; and, with one of these wigs
+on, their double chins rested upon their breasts, and their shoulders
+up, they seem as if they had eaten themselves into a {98}state of
+indigestion, or else had bumpered themselves out of breath with bottled
+beer. [_Puts on the wig._] "Waiter! bring me a ladleful of soup. You
+dog, don't take off that haunch of venison yet!--Bring me the lamb, a
+glass of currant jelly, and a clean plate. A hob-nob, sir." "With all
+my heart." "Two bumpers of Madeira!--Love, health, and ready rhino, to
+all the friends that you and I know."--On the contrary, these lank looks
+form the half-famished face. [_Puts on the Methodist hair, and takes the
+tub._]
+
+The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mammon eats up all your
+upper leathers, and we are all become sad soals. Brethren, (the word
+brethren comes from the tabernacle, because we {99}all breathe therein),
+if you are drowsy I'll rouse you, I'll beat a tattoo upon the parchment
+case of your conscience, and I'll whisk the devil like a whirligig among
+you. Now let me ask you a question seriously. Did you ever see any body
+eat any hasty-pudding? What faces they make when it scalds their mouths!
+Phoo, phoo, phoo! What faces will you all make when old Nick nicks you?
+Now unto a bowl of punch I compare matrimony; there's the sweet part of
+it, which is the honey-moon: then there's the largest part of it, that's
+the most insipid, that comes after, and that's the water; then there's
+the strong spirits, that's the husband; then there's the sour spirit,
+that's the wife. But you don't mind me, no more than a dead horse does
+a pair of spectacles; if you did, the sweet words which I utter would be
+like a treacle posset to your palates. Do you know how many taylors
+make a man?--Why nine. How many half a man?--Why four journeymen and an
+apprentice. So have you all been bound 'prentices to madam Faddle, the
+fashion-maker; ye have served your times out, and now you set up for
+yourselves. My bowels and my small guts groan for you; as the cat on the
+house-top is caterwauling, so from the top of my voice will I {100}be
+bawling. Put--put some money in the plate, then your abomination shall
+be scalded off like bristles from the hog's back, and ye shall be
+scalped of them all as easily as I pull off this periwig.
+
+My attempt you have heard to succeed the projector, And I tremblingly
+wait your award of this lecture; No merits I plead, but what's fit for
+my station, And that is the merit of your approbation. And, since for
+mere mirth I exhibit this plan, Condemn, if you please--but excuse, if
+you can.
+
+END OF THE LECTURE,
+
+
+
+
+AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
+
+{101}The vice and folly which overspread human nature first created
+the satirist. We should not, therefore, attribute his severity to a
+malignity of disposition, but to an exquisite sense of propriety, an
+honest indignation of depravity, and a generous desire to reform the
+degenerated manners of his fellow-creatures. This has been the cause
+of Aristophanes censuring the pedantry and superstition of Socrates;
+Horace, Persius, Martial, and Juvenal, the luxury and profligacy of the
+Romans; Boileau and Molière the levity and refinement of the French;
+Cervantes the romantic pride and madness of the Spanish; and Dorset,
+Gldharn, Swift, Addison, Churchill, Stevens, and Foote, the variety
+of vice, folly, and luxury, which we have imported from our extensive
+commerce and intercourse with other nations. We should, consequently,
+reverse the satirist and correct ourselves.
+
+{102}We should not avoid him as the detecter, but as the friendly
+monitor. If he speaks severe truths, we should condemn our own conduct
+which gives him the power.
+
+It has frequently been observed, that the satirist has proved more
+beneficial to the correction of a state than the divine or legislator.
+Indeed he seems to have been created with peculiar penetrative
+faculties, and integrity of disposition, and a happy genius to display
+the enormity of the features, while it corrects the corrupt exercise
+of our vices. The legislator may frame laws sufficiently wise and
+judicious, to check and control villany, without the power of impeding
+the progress of vice and folly, while they are kept within the limits of
+only injuring ourselves. For law has no power to punish us for the vices
+which debilitate our constitution, destroy our substance, or degrade our
+character.
+
+Nor can religion entirely extirpate vice, no more than she can even
+control folly. Her two principles, alluring to virtue by promise of
+reward, and dissuading from vice by threats of punishment, extend their
+influence no farther than on those whose dispositions are susceptible
+of their impressions. So that we find numbers among {103}mankind whose
+conduct and opinions are beyond her power. The atheist, who disbelieves
+a future existence, is not likely to check the exercise of his favourite
+vicious habits for any hope of reward or dread of punishment; and the
+debauchee, who, though he may not deny the truth of her tenets, yet is
+too much absorbed in his pleasures, to listen to her precepts, or regard
+her examples. Besides, there are many so weak in their resolution as
+not to be capable of breaking the fetters of habit and prepossession,
+although they are, at the same time, sensible of their destructive
+consequences. It is, therefore, that nature has implanted in us a sense
+which tends to correct our disposition, where law and religion are seen
+to have no power. This sense is a desire of public estimation, which not
+only tends to give mankind perfection in every art and science, but also
+to render our personal character respectable. It is this susceptibility
+of shame and infamy which gives satire its efficiency.
+
+Without this sense of ourselves, the scourge would lose its power of
+chastisement. We should receive the lashes without a sense of their
+pain; and without the sense of their pain we would never amend from this
+affliction. From the desire of {104}being approved and noticed,
+arises every effort which constitutes the variety of employments and
+excellencies the world possesses. It actuates the prince and the beggar,
+the peasant and the politician, the labourer and the scholar, the
+mechanic and the soldier, the player and the divine. In a word, there
+is not an individual in the community whose conduct is not influenced by
+its dictates. It is, therefore, not surprising that mankind should be
+so impressive to the power of satire, whose object is to describe their
+vices and follies, for the finger of public infamy to point at their
+deformities and delinquencies. Thus, where law cannot extend its awe
+and authority, satire wields the scourge of disgrace; and where religion
+cannot convince the atheist, attract the attention of the debauchee, or
+reform those who are subject to the power of habit and fashion, satire
+affords effectually her assistance. Satire reforms the drunkard, by
+exposing to the view of himself and the world the brutality of his
+actions and person when under the influence of intoxication. Satire
+reforms, likewise, the inordinate actions of those who are not awed by
+the belief of future reward and punishment, by exposing them to infamy
+during their present {105}existence. And those who are subject to the
+dominion of depraved habits satire awakens to a practice of reformation,
+from the poignant sense of being the derision and contempt of all their
+connexions; for there is no incentive so powerful to abandon pernicious
+customs as the sense of present and future disgrace. We may, therefore,
+conclude, that nothing tends so much to correct vice and folly as this
+species of public censure. Having thus made some observations on the
+general utility and necessity of satire, we shall proceed to examine
+which of its species is the most likely to be effective.
+
+The most remarkable species of satire are, the narrative, dramatic, and
+picturesque; which have also their separate species peculiar to each.
+The narrative contains those that either reprove with a smile or a
+frown, by pourtraying the characteristics of an individual, or the
+general manners of a society, people, or nation; and are either
+described in verse or prose. The dramatic contains perfect resemblance,
+which is described by comedy; or caricature, which is described by
+farce. And the picturesque is what exercises the painter, engraver,
+and sculptor. In all these species the satirist may either divert by
+his humour, entertain by his wit, or torture by his severity. Each mode
+{106}has its advocates. But we think that the mode should be adapted to
+the nature of the vice or folly which demands correction. If the vice be
+of an atrocious nature, it certainly requires that the satire be severe.
+If it be of a nature that arises more from a weakness of mind than
+depravity of feeling, we think it should be chastised by the lively
+and pointed sarcasms of wit; and, if the failing be merely a folly,
+it should only be the subject of humorous ridicule. With respect
+to determining which species of satire is the most preferable, the
+narrative of Horace and Juvenal, the dramatic of Aristophanes and Foote,
+or the picturesque of Hogarth and Stevens; we can best form our
+opinion from comparing their different defects and excellencies. As
+the narrative is merely a description of manners, it is devoid of that
+imitation of passion and character which gives effect to the dramatic.
+But, as the language is more pointed, more energetic, and more elegant,
+it certainly must impress the reader more deeply. The dramatic,
+therefore, while it is calculated to affect more the spectator, is
+inferior to the narrative in the closet. The picturesque is more
+defective than either of the two former. It has only power to describe
+the action of an instant, and {107}this without the assistance of
+reflection, observation, and sentiment, which they derive from their
+verbal expression.
+
+We may, consequently, perceive that each species has defects to which
+others are not liable, and excellencies which the others do not possess.
+
+Thus it is evident that a species of satire, which could blend all the
+advantages of all the three, can only be that which is adequate to the
+idea of perfect satire. This kind of satire is the Lecture on Heads.
+We cannot, therefore, be surprised that it should have been the most
+popular exhibition of the age. The heads and their dresses composed the
+picturesque: the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer,
+composed the dramatic; and the lively description of manners, the
+judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, composed the
+narrative. Thus did the genius of its author invent a species of
+entertainment which possessed excellencies that counterbalanced the
+defects of all other satirists, produced from the age of Aristophanes,
+who flourished four hundred and seven years before the Christian era,
+until his own time.
+
+Having thus enforced the utility of satire in general, and specified the
+defects and properties of {108}its particular kinds, we shall proceed to
+make a few observations on the peculiar merit of the Lecture on Heads.
+We have already seen that it possesses every quality of all other
+satires in itself: it only, therefore, remains to consider its wit,
+humour, character, and apparatus; which are its essensial properties.
+The wit of this Lecture is as various as the subjects which it
+satirises. Its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts while it
+chastises, and its pertinency always adorns the sentiment or observation
+it would illustrate. The variety of its species always entertains, but
+never satiates. Even puns please, from the aptness and pleasantry of
+their conceits. His wit is so predominant, that, if we may be allowed
+the expression, it is discovered in his silence. A most striking example
+of this is where he uses the rhetorical figure called the Aposiopesis,
+or suppression, in displaying the head of a prostitute: he introduces
+it with saying, "This is the head of a woman of the town, or a ------;
+but, whatever other title the lady may have, we are not entitled here to
+take notice of it." Nothing can be more delicate than this suppression:
+it displays a tenderness and liberality to the frailty of female nature,
+which does as much credit to his feelings as to his genius.
+
+{109}We know not a more happy instance of giving expression to silence,
+or giving an idea without verbal assistance, than is contained in the
+above character.
+
+The humour of this Lecture is grotesque, lively, and delicate; it
+varies its form with the character it ridicules. Nothing can surpass the
+humorous whimsicality of his situations and expressions; for they please
+as much from the fanciful manner in which he places the ridiculous to
+our view, as from the resemblance with which he so naturally describes
+the prototype. His description of a London Blood cannot fail to excite
+laughter in the features of the greatest cynic. The natural propensity
+which mankind has to laugh at mischief never was more happily gratified
+than from his describing this character _pushing a blind horse into a
+china-shop_. Had he chosen any other animal, the effect would not have
+been so great on his audience. If it had been an ass, it would have
+been attended with an idea of the obstinacy and the reluctance of this
+animal, which would have suggested its being too difficult; it would
+not, therefore, have excited, in any manner, the risible faculty. Had
+it been an ox, it would have {110}connected with it the idea of too much
+fury and devastation to entertain with the picture. But choosing a blind
+horse, who, from his loss of sight and natural docility, may be
+easily supposed to be led into such a situation; the mind adopts the
+credibility, and enjoys the whimsical and mischievous consequence, while
+it condemns the folly and puerility of the Blood who occasioned it.
+It is this peculiar faculty of choice of subjects, situation, and
+assemblage, which constitutes the excellence of a humorist, which
+Stevens possessed in a most eminent degree; for he displays it in almost
+every line of his Lecture. Indeed, in this art we know of none superior
+to him, except it be Shakespeare in some of his comedies, which are
+inimitable in every thing which relates to the _vis comica_. With
+respect to the characters of this Lecture, they are such as will be
+found to exist with human nature; except a few, who are described as
+the devotees to particular fashions; and such will always be found while
+vanity, luxury, and dissipation, exist in society. Therefore, from this
+universality of character, his Lecture will ever be worthy the
+perusal of every person who would wish to avoid being contemptible or
+ridiculous: for {111}there is no person but may be liable to some vice
+or folly, which he will find exposed by this masterly, pleasant, and
+original, satirist.
+
+His characters compose every part of the community. The old and young,
+rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those
+of every learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of his
+whimsical, yet judicious and pertinent, censure.
+
+Having thus made some general remarks on the wit, humour, and character,
+of this Lecture, it only remains for us to say a few words on its
+apparatus. This was merely the picturesque part of the satire, which
+gave that effect to the _tout ensemble_, which it would not otherwise
+have produced as a representation. It was by this appendage that Mr.
+Stevens was enabled to afford entertainment for nearly three hours
+without a change of person, although he changed his appearance. The
+apparatus was not only an ornament, but a visible illustration of what
+would otherwise have been only mental. It was, therefore, indispensable
+as a stage exhibition; for, to entertain an audience, the sight must be
+exercised as well as the mind. It is necessary to prevent languor, which
+will always be the consequence where reflection is {112}more exerted
+than sensation. Thus, in every public exhibition, the senses of hearing
+and seeing should be gratified in every manner that is consistent with
+the nature of what is produced for the observation of the mind. But
+although this apparatus was necessary as a representation, it may be
+dispensed with as a closet satire: for, not being confined to read two
+or three hours, we can shut the book whenever it becomes uninteresting,
+which we cannot at a public lecture. We are then confined to one place
+and one object during its performance. It is this which renders every
+lecture, that is not accompanied by some apparatus, so tiresome to the
+auditor. We, therefore, read such lectures as are upon literary Subjects
+with more pleasure than we hear them delivered. But lectures on anatomy,
+experimental philosophy, astronomy, and every other that admits of
+apparatus, we hear and see with much more pleasure and improvement than
+when we read them. In regard to the Lecture on Heads, as the apparatus
+is not necessary to make the reader comprehend the force and meaning of
+the satire more than he can from the words themselves, we make no doubt
+but its perusal will afford such pleasure as to increase its estimation,
+if possible, {113}with the public. From a more close attention they will
+discover beauties of wit, humour, character, and imitation, that were
+not perceived during its representation: for the minds of an audience
+are very susceptible of being diverted from attending to what is
+represented before them.
+
+The company whom they are with, or the attractions of others whom they
+see among an audience, frequently suspend the attention while it loses
+the greatest beauties of the performance. But, when we are reading a
+performance in our closet, whatever is capable of pleasing from its
+novelty, propriety, or excellence, is not liable to be lost from any
+obstruction or interference by other objects.
+
+Consciousness, therefore, of the entertainment this Lecture will afford
+to the reader, as well as the auditor and spectator, is the chief
+inducement of submitting it thus, in its only original state, for his
+approbation.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS ***
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?>
+
+<!DOCTYPE html
+   PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      A Lecture on Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+    
+    body { margin:5%; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig    { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    pre        { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+    
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Lecture On Heads
+       As Delivered By Mr. Charles Lee Lewes, To Which Is Added,
+              An Essay On Satire, With Forty-Seven Heads By Nesbit, From
+              Designs By Thurston, 1812
+
+Author: Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+Commentator: Pilon
+
+Illustrator: Thurston and Nesbit
+
+Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21822]
+Last Updated: February 6, 2013
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      A LECTURE ON HEADS
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By Geo. Alex. Stevens
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="cover (129K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      WITH ADDITIONS, <br /> By Mr. Pilon <br /> <br /> AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles
+      Lee Lewes. <br /> <br /> TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. <br /> WITH
+      FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston. <br /> <br /> <br />
+      1812.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="titlepage (77K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="frontispiece (101K)" src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture, it
+      is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in which
+      they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much they have
+      been imposed upon by the different publishers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was
+      published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different from
+      the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too contemptible
+      to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from commencing any
+      legal process against the <span class="pagenum">[VI]</span>publisher for
+      thus trespassing on his right and property.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary success
+      in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that success, in
+      almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During this itinerant
+      stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions and improvements
+      from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard, Shuter, and many
+      other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It therefore
+      re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This, I suppose,
+      induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his edition, with
+      notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might be, Mr. Stevens
+      obtained an injunction against the continuance of that publication; he was
+      dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the interposition of friends, who
+      persuaded the litigants, over a bottle, to terminate their difference; Mr.
+      Stevens withdrew his action, and the publication was suppressed. I relate
+      this circumstance from <span class="pagenum">[VII]</span>the authority of
+      Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be surprised to find that
+      this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by one who is now complaining
+      of a similar act against himself. I am no advocate for any infringements
+      of right or property; but I cannot avoid thinking, that complaints of this
+      nature come with a very ill grace from those who have committed the same
+      species of literary depredations themselves. The last piratical
+      publication of this Lecture was by a stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has
+      had the assurance to use my name without having my authority, or even
+      asking my permission. He likewise very falsely and impudently asserts,
+      that he has published it as I spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so
+      much the contrary, that it contains not a syllable of the new matter with
+      which it was then augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from
+      the spurious and very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this
+      piratical list. It is, therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was
+      never before published until this opportunity <span class="pagenum">[VIII]</span>which
+      I have taken of thus submitting it to the Public, for their approbation
+      and patronage, whose
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Most humble and devoted servant
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      CHARLES LEE LEWES.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      July 22, 1785.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      Contents
+    </h2>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PROL"> PROLOGUE </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> LECTURE ON HEADS </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PART1"> PART I. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PART2"> PART II. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PART3"> PART III. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PART4"> PART IV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_PART5"> PART V. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PROL" id="link2H_PROL">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PROLOGUE,
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June 24,
+      1780.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout
+     A few doors lower burnt the quorum out.
+     Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot,
+     And justice cannot keep the parish quiet.
+     But peace returning, like the dove appears,
+     And this association stills my fears;
+     Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread,
+     And we give harmless Lectures on the Head.
+     Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes,
+     And snore away the hours within their boxes;
+     Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning,
+     Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning.
+     Mynheer demanded, at the general shock,
+     "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?"
+     "Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob,
+     "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."&mdash;
+     "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies,
+     "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies:
+     "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge,
+     "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."&mdash;
+     "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear
+     "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square
+     "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say,
+     "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day."
+     Tumult and riot thus on every side
+     Swept off fair order like the raging tide;
+     Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by,
+     "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry.
+     And he, rever'd by every muse so long,
+     Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song,
+     Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name,
+     Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame;
+     With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire,
+     And rolls of science in one blaze expire.
+     But England, like the lion, grows more fierce
+     As dangers multiply, and foes increase;
+     Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm,
+     In martial bands to shield their country arm,
+     And when we trembled for the city's fate,
+     Her youth stood forth the champions of the state;
+     Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie,
+     A parent land to save, or bravely die.
+     Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join,
+     In vain to crush them would the world combine;
+     Discord domestic would no more be known,
+     And brothers learn affection from the throne.
+     But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come
+     When you must bid him live, or seal his doom!
+     He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill
+     Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill.
+     The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail,
+     Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail
+     Who no commander ever disobey'd,
+     Or overlook'd the signals which he made.
+     Under your auspices the field I take,
+     For a young general some allowance make;
+     But if disgracefully my army's led,
+     Let this court-martial then cashier my head.
+</pre>
+    <h3>
+      ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE, <br /> Spoken At Newbury, <br /> In
+      Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture,
+    </h3>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Who Had Published
+     Some Lines On Dreaming
+     She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet.
+
+     Written By Mr. Pratt.
+
+     'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart,
+     The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart;
+     Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew,
+     And with it every grace and muse withdrew.
+     But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam,
+     For wit and taste soon brought the truant home!
+     One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung,
+     Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung;
+     Thither it went, the virtues in its train,
+     To hail the panting blessing back again.
+     On its fair throne it now appears as Queen,
+     And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene;
+     Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread
+     The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled.
+     Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here;
+     Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there:
+     In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor,
+     It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door,
+     And smiles, with him, that riot is no more.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      LECTURE ON HEADS.
+    </h1>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_PART1" id="link2H_PART1">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PART I.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[1]</span>Every single speaker, who, like me,
+      attempts to entertain an audience, has not only the censure of that
+      assembly to dread, but also every part of his own behaviour to fear. The
+      smallest error of voice, judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that
+      can be presumed upon in his favour is, <i>a hope</i> that he may meet with
+      that indulgence which an English audience are so remarkable <i>for</i>,
+      and that every exhibition stands so much in need <i>of</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of
+      Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the
+      place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they have
+      always, since that time, been called <i>curtain lectures</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[2]</span>But, before I pretend to make free with
+      other people's heads, it may be proper to say something upon my own, if
+      upon my own any thing could be said to the purpose; but, after many
+      experiments, finding I could not make any thing of my own, I have taken
+      the liberty to try what I could do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads
+      belonging to other people. But here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I
+      confess I have more than once wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my
+      poor abilities will bring a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius
+      erected a temple to Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and
+      from their union sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the
+      head of George Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man
+      universally acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who
+      gave peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with
+      flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies;
+      he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the
+      highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now,
+      blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to acquire
+      in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now enjoys that
+      ease his talents <span class="pagenum">[3]</span>have earned, whilst Fame,
+      like an evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful
+      beams. With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his
+      place, and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of
+      conscious inferiority.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p003 (31K)" src="images/p003.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere <i>bulbous excrescence</i>,
+      growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is supposed to be a
+      mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to
+      take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of these heads are manufactured in <i>wood</i>, some in <i>pasteboard</i>;
+      which is a hint to shew there may not only be <i>block-heads</i>, but also
+      <i>paper-skulls</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[4]</span>Physicians acquaint us that, upon any
+      fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the <i>head</i>, and the blood
+      rushes violently back to the <i>heart</i>. Hence it is, politicians
+      compare the human constitution and the nation's constitution together:
+      they supposing the head to be the <i>court</i> end of the town, and the
+      heart the <i>country</i>; for people in the country seem to be taking
+      things to heart, and people at court seem to wish to be at the head of
+      things.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes
+      they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look
+      upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike.
+      Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise
+      they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks: as,
+      for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to
+      themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [<i>Here take
+      them off.</i>] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering
+      with a foolish face of praise, [<i>make a face here</i>]; some laughing,
+      some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least
+      alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning <i>up</i>
+      the muscles to laugh [<i>do so here</i>], and <i>down</i> to cry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[5]</span>Yet laughter is much mistook, no person
+      being capable of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. For some people
+      suddenly break out into violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any
+      gradation, change at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[<i>Here
+      shews the example.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [<i>Shews the
+      head. </i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      width="100%" /><br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p005 (43K)" src="images/p005.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering,
+      tip-toe, tripping animalculæ of the times, that flutter about fine women
+      like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their
+      shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch
+      equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer
+      <span class="pagenum">[6]</span>such things about them, as they wear
+      soufflée gauze, not as things of value, but merely to make a shew with:
+      they never say any thing to the purpose; but with this in their hands [<i>takes
+      up an eye-glass</i>] they stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of
+      astronomers, executing a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they
+      imagine themselves possessed of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as
+      it is said, fascinate by a look; and that every fine woman must, at first
+      sight, fall into their arms.&mdash;"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish
+      fine woman, 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She
+      must be one of us; she must be comeatable, 'pon honour."&mdash;"No, Sir,"
+      replies a stranger, that overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."&mdash;"Is
+      she so? I'll look at her again&mdash;ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict
+      virtue, for, now I look at her again, there is something devilish
+      un-genteel about her."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p007 (92K)" src="images/p007.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[7]</span><i>Wigs</i>, as well as <i>books</i>, are
+      furniture for the head, and both <i>wigs</i> and <i>books</i> are
+      sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore suppose this wig [<i>shews
+      a large wig</i>] to be a huge quarto in large paper; this is a duodecimo
+      in small print [<i>takes the knowing head</i>]; and this a jockey's head,
+      sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [<i>Takes the jockey's head.</i>] Now
+      a jockey's head and a horse's head have great affinity, for the jockey's
+      head can pull the horse's head on which side of the post the rider
+      pleases: but what sort of heads must those people have who know such
+      things are done, and will trust such sinking funds with their capitals?
+      These are a couple of heads which, in the <span class="pagenum">[8]</span>Sportsman's
+      Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a great many people
+      about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they dress themselves in
+      these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity of ahead, to shew they
+      have taken their degrees from students in the stable, up to the masters of
+      arts, upon a coach-box. [<i> Gives the two heads off, and takes the
+      book-case.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up
+      wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a
+      parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A
+      student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law books cut
+      from a <i>whipping-post</i>; physical dictionaries may be had in <i>Jesuits'
+      bark</i>; a treatise upon duels in <i>touchwood</i>; the history of
+      opposition in <i>wormwood</i>; Shakespeare's works in <i>cedar</i>, his
+      commentators in <i>rotten wood</i>; the reviewers in birch, and the
+      history of England in <i>heart of oak</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and
+      militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their
+      own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece of
+      broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have <span
+      class="pagenum">[9]</span>borrowed their education from these libraries,
+      and have wooden, very wooden tastes indeed. [<i> Gives it off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p009 (40K)" src="images/p009.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here's a head full charged for <i>fun</i> [<i>takes the head</i>], a
+      comical half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on,
+      and what a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man
+      always laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must
+      always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was
+      always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do you
+      call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now be
+      comical a little." But if there is no <span class="pagenum">[10]</span>other
+      person will speak, he will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die
+      with laughing," and he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most
+      comicallest story that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he
+      always interlards his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so
+      as he was a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me
+      again;&mdash;&mdash;did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your
+      born days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any
+      person even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he
+      puts on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says,
+      "It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so,
+      that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [<i>Puts on a foolish look, and gives
+      the head off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p011 (45K)" src="images/p011.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[11]</span>Here is Master Jacky [<i>takes the head</i>],
+      mamma's darling; when she was with child of him she dreamt she was brought
+      to bed of a pincushion. He was never suffered to look into a book for fear
+      of making him round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that;
+      his mamma's woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could
+      calculate to a single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a
+      codlin tart. He wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's
+      tucker, and placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no
+      other use of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly
+      such a character in view by his <i>dulcissime rerum</i>&mdash;"sweetest of
+      all things;" all essence and effeminacy; <span class="pagenum">[12]</span>and
+      that line of his&mdash;<i>Quid Agis, dulcissime rerum?</i> may be
+      rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As they have rivalled the ladies
+      in the delicacy of their complexion, the ladies therefore have a right to
+      make reprisals, and to take up that manliness which our sex seems to have
+      cast off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p012 (80K)" src="images/p012.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [<i>Takes up the head.</i>] She
+      looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day to
+      follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the morning,
+      with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion covered with
+      milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley water. This does
+      honour to creation; this <span class="pagenum">[13]</span>disgraces it.
+      And so far have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate
+      affections, that, if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might
+      be taken for Miss Jenny [<i>puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky</i>];
+      therefore grammarians can neither rank them as <i>masculine</i> or <i>feminine</i>,
+      so set them down of the <i>doubtful</i> gender. [<i>Puts off the heads.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds,
+      some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish
+      clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the honest fellow
+      is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is singing-master, who
+      is to keep the company alive for four or five hours; then your honest
+      fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They married into Folly's
+      family, from whom they received this crest, and which nobody chooses to be
+      known by. [<i> Takes up the fool's cap.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p014 (45K)" src="images/p014.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[14]</span>This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer
+      known; it never comes home to any body, and is often observed to belong to
+      every body but themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term
+      nothing, although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made
+      such use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing,
+      and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to
+      twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are very
+      apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty to
+      fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are very
+      careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what all our
+      thinking comes to; and then, <span class="pagenum">[15]</span>what between
+      our losses and our gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with
+      the addition of old age, we can but strike this balance [<i>Takes the
+      board with cyphers</i>]&mdash;These are a number of nothings, they are
+      hieroglyphics of part of human kind; for in life, as well as in
+      arithmetic, there are a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers,
+      mean nothing in themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the
+      addition of a single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in
+      an instant. The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into
+      something by the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [<i>Turns
+      the board, shews the golden one.</i>] But, as these persons' gains come
+      from nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they
+      who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they have
+      nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have done
+      nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus
+      concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he has
+      properly executed, by making nothing of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p016 (61K)" src="images/p016.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[16]</span>This is the head of a London Blood, taken
+      from the life. [<i>Holds the head up.</i>] He wears a bull's forehead for
+      a fore-top, in commemoration of that great blood of antiquity, called
+      Jupiter, who turned himself into a bull to run away with Europa: and to
+      this day bloods are very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined
+      that all mirth consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a
+      waiter out of the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a
+      beggar in a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against
+      a wall, hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round
+      the room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p017 (75K)" src="images/p017.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[17]</span>He was quite the thing, either for
+      kicking up a riot, or keeping it up after he had kicked it up: he was
+      quite the thing, for one day he kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about
+      the streets: another time he shoved a blind horse into a china shop&mdash;<i>that
+      was damned jolly</i>: he was a constant customer to the round house: a
+      terror to modest women, and a dupe to the women of the town; of which this
+      is exhibited as a portrait. [<i> Take the head.</i>] This is the head of a
+      Man of the Town, or a Blood; and this of a Woman of the Town, or a &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;;
+      but whatever other title the lady may have, we are not entitled to take
+      notice of it; all that we can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one
+      <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>moment to Pity; let not delicacy be
+      offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these unhappy examples
+      of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular festivity,
+      indiscretion appears thus&mdash;[<i>takes off that, shews the other:</i>]
+      but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore ought common
+      opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that betrays female
+      honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty is robbed, the hue
+      and cry which is raised, is never raised in her favour; deceived by
+      ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue criminal, she is ruined by
+      our sex, and prevented reformation by the reproaches of her own. [<i>Takes
+      it off.</i>] As this is the head of a Blood going to keep it up [<i>takes
+      it off</i>], here is the head of a Blood after he has kept it up. [<i>Shews
+      that head.</i>] This is the head of a married Blood&mdash;what a pretty
+      piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of delicacy's bed-chamber:
+      What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with a bumper in his hand, to
+      think of a wife: that would be spoiling his sentiment: no, he is to keep
+      it up, and to shew in what manner our London Bloods do keep it up. We
+      shall conclude the first part of this lecture by attempting a specimen&mdash;[<i>puts
+      on the Blood's wig</i>]: "Keep it up, huzza! <span class="pagenum">[19]</span>keep
+      it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father last April day. I will
+      tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping it up, faith, so about
+      four o'clock this morning I went down into the kitchen, and there was Will
+      the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire; the dog cannot keep it up as
+      we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly, and takes the tongs, and I
+      takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire, as big as my head, and I
+      plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I loves fun; so it has lamed the
+      fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You talk of your saying good things; I
+      said one of the best things last week that ever any man said in all the
+      world. It was what you call your <i>rappartées</i>, your <i>bobinâtes</i>.
+      I'll tell you what it was: You must know, I was in high spirits, faith, so
+      I stole a dog from a blind man, for I do love fun! so then the blind man
+      cried for his dog, and that made me laugh; so says I to the blind man,
+      'Hip, master, do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind
+      what I said to the blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,'
+      says he. Then says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'&mdash;Keep
+      it up! keep it up!&mdash;That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I
+      think of a parson, I always do; and my brother he <span class="pagenum">[20]</span>is
+      a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear; so I always swear when
+      I am along with him, to roast him. I went to dine with him one day last
+      week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more of what you call
+      your modest women; but I sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was
+      half over, for I loves fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me,
+      and I begun to swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my
+      new oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my
+      brother looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his
+      knife and fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, <i>Oh
+      Tempora! oh Mores!</i>&mdash;-'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think
+      to frighten me, by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind
+      you, nor your family neither&mdash;Only bring Tempora and Mores here,
+      that's all; I'll box them for five pounds; here,&mdash;where's Tempora and
+      Mores? where are they?&mdash;Keep it up! keep it up!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      END OF PART I. <a name="link2H_PART2" id="link2H_PART2">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PART II.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      THE FIVE SCIENCES: ARCHITECTURE, PAINTING, POETRY, MUSIC, AND ASTRONOMY.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[21]</span>This is a small exhibition of pictures.
+      These pictures are placed here to shew the partiality of the present
+      times. Formerly seven cities contended for the honour of having Homer for
+      their countryman; but as soon as it was known these sciences were born in
+      England, the whole club of Connoiseurs exclaimed against them, saying, it
+      was impossible that there could be any real genius among them, our
+      atmosphere being too thick and too heavy to nourish any fine ideas. These
+      sciences, being found out to be mere English, were treated as impostors;
+      for, as they had not a handsome wife, nor sister, to speak for them, not
+      one single election vote in their family, nor a shilling in their pockets
+      to bribe the turnpike <span class="pagenum">[22]</span>door-keeper, they
+      could not succeed; besides, Chinese, zig-zag, and gothic imitations,
+      monopolized all premiums: and the envy of prejudice, and the folly of
+      fashion, made a party against them. They were so weak in themselves, as to
+      imagine the merits of their works would recommend them to the world. Poor
+      creatures! they knew nothing of the world, to suppose so; for merit is the
+      only thing in the world not recommendable. To prevent starving,
+      Architecture hired herself as a brick-layer's <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>labourer
+      to a Chinese temple-builder; Painting took on as a colour-grinder to a
+      paper-stainer; Poetry turned printer's devil; Music sung ballads about the
+      streets: and Astronomy <span class="pagenum">[24]</span>sold almanacks.
+      They rambled about in this manner for some time; at last, they picked up
+      poor Wit, who lay ill of some bruises he had received one masquerade
+      night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p022 (84K)" src="images/p022.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p023a (64K)" src="images/p023a.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p023b (54K)" src="images/p023b.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As poor Wit was coming down the Haymarket, just as the masquerade was
+      breaking up, the noise of a pickpocket was announced, upon which
+      Buffoonery fell upon Wit, and mangled him most piteously. Invention stood
+      Wit's friend, and help-ed him to make his escape to those Sciences. Now it
+      happened that night, Lady Fashion had lost her lap-dog, which Wit found,
+      and brought to these his companions, for whom Architecture built a little
+      house; Painting made a portrait of it: Poetry wrote a copy of verses upon
+      it, which Music put a tune to; and Astronomy calculated the dear
+      creature's nativity; which so pleased Lady Fashion, that she recommended
+      them to the house of Ostentation, but left Wit behind, because as wit was
+      out of taste, Fashion would not have any thing to say to it. However, some
+      of her Ladyship's upper servants invited Wit into the steward's room, and,
+      according to the idea some folks have of Wit, they begged he'd be comical.
+      One brought him a poker to bend over his arm; another desired he would eat
+      a little fire for 'em before dinner; the <span class="pagenum">[25]</span>butler
+      requested a tune upon the musical glasses; my lady's woman desired he
+      would tell her fortune by the cards; and the grooms said, "as how, if his
+      honour was a wit, he could ride upon three horses at once." But before Wit
+      could answer to any of these questions, the French governess belonging to
+      the family came down stairs, and ordered Wit to be turned out of doors,
+      saying, "Vat want you vid Vit, when you are studying à la Françoise? I'll
+      vous assurez, I'll vous assurez, if you will have us for your masters, you
+      must have no vit at all." [<i>The sciences taken off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor Wit being turned out of doors, wandered about friendless, for it was
+      never yet known that a man's wit ever gained him a friend. He applied
+      himself to the proprietors of the newspapers, but upon their inquiring
+      whether he understood politics, and being totally ignorant of them, they
+      would not employ him. He enquired after Friendship, but found Friendship
+      was drowned at the last general election; he went to find out Hospitality,
+      but Hospitality being invited to a turtle-feast, there was no room for
+      Wit; he asked after Charity, but it being found that Charity was that day
+      run over by a bishop's new set of coach-horses, he died broken-hearted,
+      being a distemper which, although <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>not
+      catalogued in the Materia Medica, is very epidemical among beautiful
+      women, and men of genius, who, having worn themselves out in making other
+      people happy, are at last neglected, and left to perish amid age and
+      infirmity, wondering how the world could be so ungrateful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p026 (58K)" src="images/p026.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is the Head of a Connoisseur. [<i>Takes the head.</i>]&mdash;Though
+      born in this kingdom, he had travelled long enough to fall in love with
+      every thing foreign, and despise every thing belonging to his own country,
+      except himself. He pretended to be a great judge of paintings, but only
+      admired those done a great way off, and a great while ago; he could not
+      bear anything done by any of his own countrymen; and one day being in an
+      auction-room where <span class="pagenum">[27]</span>there was a number of
+      capital pictures, and, among the rest, an inimitable piece of painting of
+      fruits and flowers, the Connoisseur would not give his opinion of the
+      picture until he had examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by an
+      Englishman, he pulled out his eye-glass [<i>Takes the eyeglass,</i>] "O,
+      Sir," says he, "these English fellows have no more idea of genius than a
+      Dutch skipper has of dancing a cotillion; the dog has spoiled a fine piece
+      of canvas; he's worse than a Harp-Alley sign-post dauber; there's no
+      keeping, no perspective, no fore-ground;&mdash;why there now, the fellow
+      <span class="pagenum">[28]</span>has attempted to paint a fly upon that
+      rose-bud, why it's no more like a fly than I am like an a&mdash;a&mdash;."
+      But as the connoisseur approached his finger to the picture, the fly flew
+      away&mdash;His eyes are half closed; this is called the wise man's wink,
+      and shews he can see the world with half an eye; he had so wonderful a
+      penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he always could see how every thing
+      was to be&mdash;after the affair was over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p027 (77K)" src="images/p027.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then talking of the affairs of administration, he told his lordship, that
+      he could see how things were all along, they could not deceive him. "I can
+      see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the lead, they
+      won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme that ever could
+      be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme that he found
+      out, he discovered to the ministry as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without
+      burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I would
+      have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water. Who'll buy
+      it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or they never
+      could work their boats any more: there's a <span class="pagenum">[29]</span>scheme
+      to pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh
+      tax." [<i> Takes the head off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p029 (61K)" src="images/p029.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your worldly-wise
+      men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes of faith, and would
+      have a reason given him for every thing. He disinherited his only son
+      because the lad could not give him a reason why a black hen laid a white
+      egg. He was a great materialist, and thus he proved the infinity of
+      matter. He told them, that all round things were globular, all square
+      things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is equal to the top, and the
+      top equal to the bottom, and the <span class="pagenum">[30]</span>bottom
+      and the top are equal to the four sides, <i>ergo</i>, all matter is as
+      broad as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove
+      matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter. [<i>
+      Takes off the head.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state&mdash;in
+      a state of intoxication. [<i>Shews the head.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p030 (59K)" src="images/p030.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open and
+      shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an
+      election picture [<i>shews it</i>]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis
+      an interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those
+      we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is <span class="pagenum">[31]</span>madman's
+      holiday, 'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day,
+      takes to market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being
+      considered as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make
+      his wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [<i> Gives
+      off the picture. </i>] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial
+      insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it,
+      because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't say
+      as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve the
+      liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [<i>Gives off the head.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon
+      Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was the
+      returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her with
+      the golden apple. [<i> Takes up the money.</i>] Juno, on her approaching
+      Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with a
+      mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob.
+      Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and if
+      he would be her friend, she would teach him <i>propria quæ maribus</i>.
+      But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make <span
+      class="pagenum">[32]</span>use of words, gave him such a look as put her
+      in possession of the golden apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude
+      to Paris, who had so well managed the election for her, made him a present
+      of several slices of that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that
+      event, such slices have been made use of as presents at all other general
+      elections; they have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical
+      wires, let a hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be
+      the same; but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which
+      is, that though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the English;
+      nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it will not make
+      palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this town to every
+      adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase is; no matter
+      what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it be a woman riding
+      upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without any head at all,
+      debating upon politics and religion at Westminster Forum: but here, let
+      not my fair countrywomen condemn me as an unmannerly satirist; we respect
+      the taste and understanding, as much as we admire <span class="pagenum">[33]</span>the
+      beauty and delicacy of the sex; but surely no woman of sense would suppose
+      we meant to offend her, if we said she was the most improper person in the
+      world to be made a captain of horse, or a member of parliament.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p033 (52K)" src="images/p033.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the head [<i>takes the head</i>] of a Female Moderator, or
+      President of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a
+      demonstration that man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and
+      that her sex has a just right to participation of both with him: she would
+      have physicians in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French
+      curls; then she would have <i>young</i> women of spirit to command our
+      fleets and armies, and <i>old</i> ones to govern the state:&mdash;she
+      pathetically laments that <span class="pagenum">[34]</span>women are
+      considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings,
+      pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough. If
+      this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we may
+      expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general has
+      miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment she
+      opened the budget.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p034 (78K)" src="images/p034.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the head [<i>shews it</i>] of a Male Moderator, and president of
+      eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for
+      fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing
+      but those things which we <span class="pagenum">[35]</span>ought to learn:
+      but this is a school to teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a
+      cobler into a Demosthenes; make him thunder over porter, and lighten over
+      gin, and qualify him to speak on either side of the question in the house
+      of commons, who has not so much as a single vote for a member of
+      parliament.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut and
+      dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been cabbaged;
+      here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry; here the
+      minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be shifted; that
+      the king's household wants a better manager; that there is no necessity
+      for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set of very bad
+      actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge his prompter.
+      Some time ago, the president of this society had a great constitutional
+      point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the satisfaction of the
+      ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of state, and with the crack
+      of her fan opened the business of the evening; declaring, as women had
+      wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic employment, she saw no
+      reason why their knowledge should be confined to the dress of a <span
+      class="pagenum">[36]</span>head or the flounce of a petticoat; that
+      government, in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex,
+      nay more; with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women
+      did not rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at
+      least, upon an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from
+      the days of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who
+      served in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding
+      their plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the
+      officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as
+      much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics,"
+      continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a
+      Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy of
+      '<i>Which is the Man</i>,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury?
+      Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence of
+      our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior eloquence of
+      our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined in general
+      plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con. perpetual
+      president.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[37]</span>Before I put these heads on one side, I
+      shall give a derivation of their title. Moderator is derived from <i>mode</i>,
+      the fashion, and <i>rate</i>, a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies
+      that Fashion advised these two to lay their heads together, in order to
+      take advantage of the passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions,
+      and out-of-the-way undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that
+      should inculcate the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but,
+      not finding his labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according
+      to the value he sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an
+      apostate from grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his
+      hand, instead of a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras
+      expresses it) a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that
+      place, where nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p038 (45K)" src="images/p038.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[38]</span>Among the many heads that have played
+      upon the passions of the public, this is one [<i>takes the head'</i>] that
+      did cut a capital figure in that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the
+      card-playing conjuring Jew. He could make matadores with a snap of his
+      fingers, command the four aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But
+      there is a great many people in London, besides this man, famous for
+      playing odd tricks, and yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made
+      a great figure in the law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the
+      law is a profession that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any
+      longer to load our heads with the weight of learning, or pore <span
+      class="pagenum">[39]</span> for years over arts and sciences, when a few
+      months' practice with these pasteboard pages [<i>takes the cards</i>] can
+      make any man's fortune, without his understanding a single letter of the
+      alphabet, provided he can but slip the cards, snap his fingers, and utter
+      the unintelligible jargon of 'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw'
+      like this Jonas. The moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of
+      cards, he begins, "I am no common slight-of hand man; the common
+      slight-of-hand men, they turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you
+      believe their fingers deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one
+      card, two cards, three cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards;
+      you look at the card at this side, you look at the card at that side, and
+      I say blow the blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and
+      now, sir, I will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can
+      once more deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he
+      do the like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on
+      that side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is
+      shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most
+      practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself, <span
+      class="pagenum">[40]</span>and finding his slights of hand turned to
+      little or no account, now practises on notes of hand by discount, and is
+      to be found every morning at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in
+      dirt, and at two at the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money,
+      where these locusts of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of
+      interest, supply the temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to
+      out-wit 'em, had they even the cunning of a... Fox!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p040 (44K)" src="images/p040.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [<i>shews the head</i>],
+      a very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This
+      head may be compared to a <i>disoblezeance</i>; for there is but one seat
+      in it, and that is not the seat <span class="pagenum">[41]</span>of
+      understanding: yet it is wonderful how much more rapidly this will move in
+      the high road of preferment than one of your thinking, feeling, complex,
+      English heads, in which honour, integrity, and reason, make such a pother,
+      that no step can be taken without consulting them. This head, if I may be
+      allowed to speak with an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his <i>feats</i>:
+      but the last <i>fète</i> he attempted proved his <i>defeat</i>; for, in
+      springing too high, he got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for
+      ever, and which none but a foreigner's head could recover.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the
+      houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust from
+      their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the following
+      picture&mdash;[<i>The picture brought, and he goes before it.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p042 (50K)" src="images/p042.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[42]</span>Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer,
+      maintained by us in all the luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground
+      a maimed soldier and sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the
+      insolence of the opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with
+      the gallant Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of
+      Minden. Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg&mdash;would
+      it not be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to
+      stand on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to
+      sing to us for <span class="pagenum">[43]</span>the trifling sum of
+      fifteen hundred or two thousand guineas yearly, in return for such their
+      condescension, we cannot do too much for them, and that is the reason why
+      we do so little for our own people. This is the way we reward those who
+      only bring folly into the country, and the other is the way, and the only
+      way, with which we reward our deliverers. [<i>The picture taken off.</i>]
+      Among the number of exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment,
+      the head of an opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been
+      exhibited, could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for
+      that exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head
+      for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this
+      assembly do me the honour to accept it. [<i>Takes up the music-frame and
+      book.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical
+      scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We must
+      suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a stranger
+      to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And the want
+      of wit made up by making of faces.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[44]</span>[<i>Changes wigs and sits down.</i>]
+      Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso, English be dumb, your language is but
+      so so;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte,
+     Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirty
+     Mon charmant, prenez guarda,
+     Mind what your signior begs,
+     Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda,
+     You may rub my shirt to rags.
+     Vile you make the water hotter&mdash;
+     Uno solo I compose.
+     Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter,
+     And de little petty toes;
+     De petty toes are little feet,
+     De little feet not big,
+     Great feet belong to de grunting hog,
+     De petty toes to de little pig.
+     Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea,
+     Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a.
+     Ma bella dolce sogno,
+     Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono,
+     And a little slice
+     Of bread and butter nice.
+     A bravo bread, and butter
+     Bravissimo&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;-imo.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      END OF PART II. <a name="link2H_PART3" id="link2H_PART3">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PART III.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      [<i>Discovers two ladies on the table.</i>] <span class="pagenum">[45]</span>In
+      spite of all the sneers, prints, and paragraphs, that have been published
+      to render the ladies' headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a
+      fine woman to lead the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to
+      find fault with it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of
+      rendering the ladies ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich
+      dressed lady without elegance.&mdash;Here is an elegant dressed lady
+      without riches; for riches can no more give grace than they can beget
+      understanding. A multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can
+      never distinguish the gentlewoman. [<i>Gives off the delicate lady.</i>]
+      This is a representation of those misled ladies whose families having
+      gained great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of
+      their ancestors, <span class="pagenum">[46]</span>and turn up their nose
+      at every thing mechanical, and call it <i>wulgar</i>. They are continually
+      thrusting themselves among the nobility, to have it said they keep quality
+      company, and for that empty qualification expose themselves to all the
+      tortures of ill treatment; because it is a frolic for persons of rank to
+      mortify such their imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity
+      at second-hand, and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of
+      beauty, by not having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in
+      a labyrinth of fashionable intricacies. [<i>Gives the head off. Takes the
+      head of Cleopatra.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p046 (57K)" src="images/p046.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of
+      antiquity, called Cleopatra, <span class="pagenum">[47]</span>This is the
+      way the ladies of antiquity used to dress their heads in a morning. [<i>Gives
+      the head off.</i>] And this is the way the ladies at present dress their
+      heads in a morning. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] A lady in this dress seems
+      hooded like a hawk, with a blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One
+      would imagine this fashion had been invented by some surly duenna, or
+      ill-natured guardian, on purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or
+      the other; and that may be the reason why now every young lady chooses to
+      look forward. As the world is round, every thing turns round along with
+      it; no wonder there should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses.
+      This was in fashion two or three years past; this is the fashion of last
+      year [<i>takes a head up</i>]; and this the morning headdress [<i>takes
+      the head</i>] of this present <i>anno domini</i>. These are the winkers,
+      and these are the blinkers. But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be
+      treated with the utmost delicacy, all we can say of these three heads,
+      thus hoodwinked, is, that they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus
+      muffled, have a mind to play at blindman's buff together. [<i>Gives the
+      heads off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p048 (36K)" src="images/p048.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[48]</span>We shall now exhibit the head of An Old
+      Maid. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] This is called antiquated virginity; it is
+      a period when elderly unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes
+      about in leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly
+      unmarried ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind.
+      Old maids are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too
+      long on the lees will turn to vinegar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p049 (40K)" src="images/p049.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[49]</span>Not to be partial to either sex [<i>takes
+      the head up</i>], as a companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An
+      Old Bachelor. These old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually
+      abusing matrimony, without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When
+      they are in company they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands,
+      saying, if they were married, their wives should never go any where
+      without asking their lords and masters' leave; and if they were married,
+      the children should never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set
+      the house to rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers
+      abroad are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to
+      some termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open
+      their lips, <span class="pagenum">[50]</span>but are frightened even if
+      she frowns. Old bachelors, in this, resemble your pretenders to atheism,
+      who make a mock in public of what in private they tremble at and fall down
+      to. When they become superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle
+      through spectacles, and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of
+      symphonies, and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put
+      on my spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love
+      song; 'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &amp;c. [<i>Laughs aloud.</i>] How
+      droll to hear the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without
+      a tooth! [<i>Gives the head off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p050 (93K)" src="images/p050.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[51]</span>It is something odd that ladies shall
+      have their charms all abroad in this manner [<i>takes the head</i>], and
+      the very next moment this shall come souse over their <i>heads</i>, like
+      an extinguisher. [<i>Pulls the calash over.</i>] This is a hood in high
+      taste at the upper end of the town; and this [<i>takes the head</i>] a
+      hood in high taste at the lower end of the town. Not more different are
+      these two heads in their dresses than they are in their manner of
+      conversation: this makes use of a delicate dialect, it being thought
+      polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot, <i>ca'ant</i>; must not <i>ma'ant</i>;
+      shall not, <i>sha'ant</i>, This clipping of letters would be extremely
+      detrimental to the current coin of conversation, did not these good dames
+      make ample amends by adding supernumerary syllables when they talk of <i>break-fastes</i>,
+      and <i>toastesses</i>, and running their heads against the postasses to
+      avoid the wild <i>beastesses</i>. These female orators, brought up at the
+      bar of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which,
+      however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly
+      conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between ancient
+      and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to the purpose.
+      Some people talk without saying any thing; some people <span
+      class="pagenum">[52]</span>don't care what they say; some married men
+      would be glad to have nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands
+      would be full as glad if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [<i>
+      Gives the head off.</i>] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion;
+      modern oratory the knack of putting words, not things, together; for
+      speech-makers now are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of
+      their harangues; they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their
+      goodness rated according as they hold out against time. For example, a
+      gentleman lately coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly
+      pleased with some debates which he had just then heard, one of his
+      acquaintance begged the favour that he would tell the company what the
+      debates were about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "About, Sir!&mdash;Yes, Sir.&mdash;About!&mdash;what were they debating
+      about? Why they were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?"
+      "What did they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two
+      hours, three quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch,
+      which is the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said,
+      who should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking."
+      "Which side was he of?" "Why <span class="pagenum">[53]</span>he was of my
+      side, I stood close by him all the time."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p053 (65K)" src="images/p053.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers, or
+      orators. [<i>Takes the two heads up.</i>] These in their life-time were
+      heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners. <i>(Holds
+      one head in each hand.)</i> This Don Dismal's faction, is a representation
+      of that discontented part of mankind who are always railing at the times,
+      and the world, and the people of the world: This is a good-natured fellow,
+      that made the best of every thing: and this Don Dismal would attack his
+      brother&mdash;"Oh, brother! brother! brother! what will this world come
+      to?" "The same place it set out from this day twelve-month." "When will
+      the nation's debt be paid <span class="pagenum">[54]</span>off?" "Will you
+      pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times&mdash;very slippery
+      times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become of our
+      liberty?&mdash;Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be sure." "I
+      can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [<i> Gives the heads
+      off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It may seem strange to those spectators [<i>takes the head</i>] who are
+      unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such
+      caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such
+      enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the
+      good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the
+      ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old
+      England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as
+      part of their head-dresses [<i>lets down the tail and takes out the wool</i>],
+      keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [<i>Takes off the
+      head.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in the
+      Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tête from a puppet-show woman,
+      and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls with,
+      fancied a whisp of hay might <span class="pagenum">[55]</span>do. [<i>Takes
+      the head.</i>] Here is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery;
+      and here is her new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at
+      her garret dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to
+      receive a letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house
+      again, the postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by
+      way of forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but
+      may the ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order.
+      Amen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p055 (66K)" src="images/p055.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words, which
+      are, <i>simplex munditiis</i>. Now these two words cannot be properly
+      translated; <span class="pagenum">[56]</span>their best interpretation is
+      that of a young Female Quaker. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] Such is the effect
+      of native neatness. Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to
+      adorn her, nor artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which
+      satire has dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering
+      the features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces. [<i>Gives
+      the head off.</i>] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like
+      pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging
+      under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the
+      sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers as
+      men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or that
+      they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would fly at
+      any thing scarlet. [<i>Takes the head off.</i>] But such practitioners
+      should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.&mdash;If
+      bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of his
+      work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by the
+      art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made them.
+      If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take such
+      liberties with her sex, by <span class="pagenum">[57]</span>way of
+      atonement for that part of my behaviour which may appear culpable, I
+      humbly beg leave to offer a nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies'
+      faces in perpetual bloom, and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and
+      I dare venture to affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be
+      of so much service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of
+      this. [<i>Shews the girdle of good temper.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p057 (90K)" src="images/p057.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry
+      with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle op
+      Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear <span class="pagenum">[58]</span>lovely
+      to her husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married
+      folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or
+      wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear this
+      girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husband <i>begs</i> his wife,
+      the wife <i>insists</i> upon the husband's putting it on; in the
+      contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will
+      condescend to stoop first to take it up. [<i>Lays down the girdle.</i>].
+      Bear and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry
+      Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four
+      radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time
+      making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it. Their
+      horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the reason why
+      married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields. Many a
+      couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage that can
+      convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the postcoach of
+      ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence, Luxury, and Credit;
+      the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust, Tyranny, and Oppression;
+      the servants out of livery, that wait at table, <span class="pagenum">[59]</span>are
+      Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were ladies once
+      to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again they would
+      choose to appear in such a character.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p059 (42K)" src="images/p059.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is a Lady [<i>takes up the picture</i>] in her true tranquil state of
+      mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare
+      that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses to be
+      herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the reverse of
+      this medallion is the same lady when she chooses <i>not</i> to be in
+      temper, and <i>not</i> to be herself. [<i>Turns the picture.</i>] This
+      face is put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she
+      has lost a <i>sans prendre</i>, when her lap-dog's foot is trod <span
+      class="pagenum">[60]</span>upon, or when her husband has dared to
+      contradict her. Some married ladies may have great cause of complaint
+      against their husbands' irregularities; but is this a face to make those
+      husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such looks as these [<i>turns
+      the picture</i>] they are to be won: and may the ladies hereafter only
+      wear such looks, and may this never more be known [<i>turns the picture</i>]
+      only as a picture taken out of Æsop's Fables. [<i>Gives off the picture.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good ones
+      as fast as they can.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of
+      courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards.
+      Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and
+      sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through
+      matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands are
+      seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this name&mdash;[<i>Shews
+      the girdle of indifference.</i>] Courtship is matrimony's running footman,
+      but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is too often carried away
+      by the two grand preservatives of matrimonial <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>friendship,
+      delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper very mortal to the
+      honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized with, and the college
+      of physicians call it by this title&mdash;[<i>Shews the girdle of the
+      sullens.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p061 (103K)" src="images/p061.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with
+      which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the
+      arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed
+      earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in the
+      mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about the
+      room, and looking at his lady <span class="pagenum">[62]</span>like the
+      devil: at last he abruptly demands of her her,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What's the matter with you, madam?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lady mildly replies,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Nothing."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What is it you mean, madam?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Nothing."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What would you make me, madam?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Nothing."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What is it I have done to you, madam?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "O&mdash;h&mdash;nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at
+      breakfast. The lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was
+      made with Thames water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon
+      it that the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p063 (81K)" src="images/p063.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[63]</span>From a scene of matrimonial tumult here
+      is one of matrimonial tranquillity. [<i>Matrimonial picture brought on,
+      and you go forward.</i>] Here is an after-dinner wedlock <i>tête-à-tête</i>,
+      a mere matrimonial <i>vis-à-vis</i>; the husband in a yawning state of
+      dissipation, and the lady in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A
+      nothing-to-doishness. If an unexpected visitor should happen to break in
+      upon their solitude, the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is
+      horribly chagrined, and most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in
+      such a deshabille: but, upon honour, she did not mind <span class="pagenum">[64]</span>how
+      her clothes were huddled on, not expecting any company, there being nobody
+      at home but her husband."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am heartily
+      glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost asleep; for,
+      as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know what to do with
+      myself."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      END OF PART III. <a name="link2H_PART4" id="link2H_PART4">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PART IV.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[65]</span>We shall now consider the law, as our
+      laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the
+      statutes declare; <i>considerandi, considerando, considerandum</i>; and
+      are not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always
+      expressing itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding
+      moods, cases, or genders, except indeed when a <i>woman</i> happens
+      accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought in <i>man</i>-slaughter.
+      The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate,
+      fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the
+      quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first
+      is the <i>beginning</i>, or <i>incipiendum</i>; the second the <i>uncertainty</i>,
+      or <i>dubitandum</i>; the third <i>delay</i>, or <i>puzzliendum</i>;
+      fourthly <i>replication</i> without <i>endum</i>; and, fifthly, <i>monstrum
+      et horrendum</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[66]</span>All which are exemplified in the
+      following cases, Daniel against Dishclout.&mdash;Daniel was groom in the
+      same family wherein Dishclout was cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one
+      day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which
+      spoiled his clothes, and he was advised to bring his action against the
+      cookmaid; the pleadings of which were as follow. The first person who
+      spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour
+      to be pitched upon to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not
+      impertinently presume to take up any of your Lordship's time by a
+      round-about circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to
+      the purpose, and not any ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I
+      will, I design to shew what damages my client has sustained hereupon,
+      whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the
+      same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had
+      a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an
+      attachment on the sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied
+      with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now,
+      in Broughton's Reports, Slack <i>versus</i> Small wood, it is said that <i>primus
+      <span class="pagenum">[67]</span>strocus sine jocus, absolutus est
+      provokus</i>. Now who gave the <i>primus strocus?</i> who gave the first
+      offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan there; for, my Lord,
+      though we will allow, if we had not been there, we could not have been
+      thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there,
+      for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have tumbled into the
+      dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began with, "My Lord, he
+      who makes use of many words to no purpose has not much to say for himself,
+      therefore I shall come to the point at once; at once and immediately I
+      shall come to the point. My client was in liquor: the liquor in him having
+      served an ejectment upon his understanding, common sense was nonsuited,
+      and he was a man beside himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his
+      Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of the Abridgment of
+      the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that a drunken man is <i>homo
+      duplicans</i>, or a double man; not only because he sees things double,
+      but also because he is not as he should be, <i>profecto ipse</i> he; but
+      is as he should not be, <i>defecto tipse</i> he."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p068 (55K)" src="images/p068.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[68]</span>The counsel on the other side rose up
+      gracefully, playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his
+      wig about emphatically. He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the
+      jury, I humbly do conceive I have the authority to declare that I am
+      counsel in this case for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not
+      flourish away in words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people
+      may think them an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment
+      how any one can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But,
+      my Lord, this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and
+      wrong; for the law knows no medium, and <span class="pagenum">[69]</span>right
+      and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a
+      kitchen my client's premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a
+      kitchen is not a warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a
+      bake-house, an inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my
+      Lord, 'tis absolutely and <i>bona fide</i> neither more nor less than a
+      kitchen, or, as the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, <i>camera
+      necessaria pro usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero,
+      dressero, coalholo, stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum,
+      boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding mixandum, pro turtle soupos,
+      calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But we shall not avail ourselves of an <i>alibi</i>, but admit of the
+      existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new ground,
+      and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from plain Mary
+      into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if they were to
+      allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the law don't find
+      mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." Therefore the court
+      allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law is our liberty, and
+      it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p070 (44K)" src="images/p070.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[70]</span>By all the laws of laughing, every man is
+      at liberty to play the fool with himself; but some people, fearful it
+      would take from their consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes
+      the appearance of keeping fools in great families. [<i>Takes the head.</i>]
+      Thus are they dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are
+      related to all the wise families in the kingdom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is
+      without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's
+      head. This is the head of Somebody. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] It has two
+      faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these faces is
+      handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face is exhibited as
+      a hint to that part <span class="pagenum">[71]</span>of mankind who are
+      always whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with
+      Somebody, and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of
+      beauty, one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the
+      toast-master called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of
+      naming any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic
+      muse Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the
+      word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster, you
+      are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her very
+      well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene; I had
+      'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling at the
+      partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported if he
+      snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment for
+      those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would fall
+      hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers could not
+      continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p072 (50K)" src="images/p072.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[72]</span>Here is the head [<i>takes it</i>] of
+      Anybody, with his eyes closed, his mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and
+      this is exhibited as an emblem of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if
+      they will not spy into the faults of others, tell tales of others, nor
+      listen to the tales of others, but mind their own business, and be
+      satisfied. Here is the head [<i>takes it</i>] of Everybody. [<i> Turns the
+      head round.</i>] This is to show how people dread popular clamour, or what
+      all the world will say, or what every body will say. Nay, there is not a
+      poor country wench, when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude
+      her, but will immediately reply to him, "Lord!&mdash;Your honour!&mdash;What
+      will the world say?" And this, <i>what will the <span class="pagenum">[73]</span>world
+      say</i>, is what everybody is anxious after, although it is hardly worth
+      anybody's while to trouble their heads with the world's sayings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a fifth
+      head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after something
+      about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out Everybody's
+      business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his pursuit, and
+      Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads the fib of
+      each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper, the gossip
+      Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives Credulity
+      credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as Anybody may be set
+      to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and, at last, there is
+      Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From these four heads people
+      purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation demonstrates the odds are
+      so much against them; but Hope flatters them, Fancy makes them believe,
+      and Expectation observes, that the twenty thousand pounds prizes must come
+      to Somebody [<i>gives the head off</i>]; and, as Anybody may have them [<i>gives
+      the head off</i>], and Nobody <span class="pagenum">[74]</span>knows who [<i>gives
+      the head off</i>], Everybody buys lottery-tickets. [<i>Gives the head off.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p074 (106K)" src="images/p074.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the attention
+      of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking, conscious of that
+      difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity of his hearers. Yet
+      it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this address; for, to shew in
+      how odious a light he holds flattery, he here exposes the head of
+      flattery. [<i>Takes the head.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that is
+      the reason why poor <span class="pagenum">[75]</span>wits are always the
+      greatest flatterers. The ancients had several days they called lucky and
+      unlucky ones; they were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face
+      of Flattery distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining
+      profile; to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least
+      approach of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [<i>Opens
+      the head.</i>] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the
+      moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to suffer
+      flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they greedily
+      accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without
+      considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is
+      intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows: This
+      head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it then
+      standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two
+      knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at the
+      same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the
+      knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It is a
+      shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!" replied
+      the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black <span
+      class="pagenum">[76]</span>head." Flat contradiction produced fatal
+      demonstration; their swords flew out, and they hacked and hewed one
+      another so long, that, at last, fainting with loss of blood, they fell on
+      the ground; then, lifting up their eyes, they discovered their mistake
+      concerning this image. A venerable hermit coming by, bound up their
+      wounds, placed them again on horseback, and gave them this piece of
+      advice, That they never hereafter should engage in any parties, or take
+      part in any dispute, without having previously examined both sides of the
+      question.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national
+      characters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p077 (52K)" src="images/p077.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[77]</span>Here is the head of a Frenchman [<i>shews
+      the head</i>], all levity and lightness, singing and capering from morning
+      till night, as if he looked upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty
+      and law but a jig. Yet Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though
+      he lives in a country that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute
+      monarch. Has he property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and
+      the slave is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon
+      in the country to which a <i>lettre de cachet</i> conveys him, and buries
+      the wretch for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the
+      cause?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[78]</span>"<i>Je ne sçai pas</i>, it is de will of
+      de Grand Monarch." Give him a <i>soupe maigre</i>, a little sallad, and a
+      hind quarter of a frog, and he's in spirits.&mdash;"<i>Fal, lai, lai, vive
+      le roy, vive la bagatelle</i>." He is now the declared enemy of Great
+      Britain: ask him, "Why?&mdash;has England done your country an injury?"
+      "Oh no." "What then is your cause of quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de
+      liberty to de subject. She will have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir,
+      de Grand Monarch have send out de fleet and de army to chastise de
+      English; and, ven de America are free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American
+      himself." "But, Monsieur, is France able to cope with England on her own
+      element, the sea?" "<i>Oh! pourquois non?</i>" "Why not?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p079 (51K)" src="images/p079.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[79]</span>Here is the head of a British Tar [<i>shews
+      the head</i>]; and, while England can man her navy with thousands of these
+      spirits, Monsieur's threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises
+      danger, wounds, and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if
+      (like a salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action
+      grows hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no
+      reward for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so
+      honourable as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a
+      French sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand
+      to his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution&mdash;"<i>Ah,
+      mon bon pere, avez pitié de moi!</i>" when he
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[80]</span>should look death in the face like a man.
+      This brave tar saw the gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a
+      blaze, his eye fixed on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning
+      to shrink, waiting with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he
+      was to die gloriously in the service of his country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p080 (60K)" src="images/p080.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here is the head of a Spaniard, [<i>Shews the head.</i>] But first I had
+      better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two allies.
+      Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did, for peace
+      with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the latter end
+      <span class="pagenum">[81]</span>of the last war, the British fleets
+      thundering in their ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for
+      the calamities brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was
+      taken prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he
+      asked, upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman,
+      detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous
+      people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his ally
+      to persevere. <i>Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami</i>.&mdash;"Wait, my
+      good friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave
+      Don, "for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over
+      their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession of
+      madness and folly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p082 (50K)" src="images/p082.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[82]</span>This is the head [<i>shews it</i>] of
+      Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great
+      merchant at Rotterdam; who had amassed an immense fortune by supplying the
+      enemies of Great Britain with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should
+      die as he has lived by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises;
+      and these, in the vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover
+      any advantage, it is but breaking them, and down with friendship and
+      honour in a bite. He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and
+      principal a Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He
+      looks upon money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring
+      <span class="pagenum">[83]</span>the greatest dainty. If you would ask him
+      what wisdom is, he'll answer you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence
+      is, he'll reply, Stock: and should you inquire who made him, he would say,
+      Stock; for Stock is the only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of
+      his wit, his whole Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would
+      judge of his conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His
+      conduct to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by
+      Hogarth's Paul before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian
+      angel, Conscience, has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the
+      devil, taking advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which
+      the apostle is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted
+      genius has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has
+      received blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as
+      her dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their
+      characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to
+      inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There is a
+      noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to <span
+      class="pagenum">[84]</span>behold illustrious actions with wonder and
+      delight, but kindles also a desire of attaining the same degree of
+      excellence. The Romans, who well knew this principle in human nature,
+      decreed triumphs to their generals, erected obelisks and statues in
+      commemoration of their victories; and to this day the cabinet of the
+      antiquarian preserves records of the victories of a Germanicus, the
+      generosity of a Titus, or the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then
+      should not England adopt the practice of the Romans, a people who reached
+      the highest pinnacle of military glory? It is true that some of our great
+      generals have marble monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not
+      the living enjoy the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to
+      have their victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it
+      be when men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will
+      then sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British
+      Hero; a title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent
+      valour of the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool
+      intrepidity of the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of
+      a Soldier and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country.
+      His mind active and <span class="pagenum">[85]</span>vigorous, burning
+      with the thirst of honour, flew to posts of danger with a rapidity which
+      gave tenfold value to his military exertions, and rendered his onsets
+      terrible as resistless. No expedition appeared to him either difficult or
+      impracticable that was to be undertaken for the good of the cause he had
+      embarked in. Fortune too seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved
+      his life in many actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm
+      without shewing an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was
+      exposed, he has still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his
+      country. As he is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to
+      be expected from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and
+      fame. And oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had
+      resembled Tableton!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      END OF PART IV. <a name="link2H_PART5" id="link2H_PART5">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PART V.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[86]</span>We shall now return to the law, for our
+      laws are full of returns, and we we shall shew a compendium of law [<i>takes
+      the wig</i>]; parts of practice in the twist of the tail.&mdash;The depth
+      of a full bottom denotes the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif
+      behind, like a blistering plaister, seems to shew us that law is a great
+      irritator, and only to be used in cases of necessity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for, like
+      a poor periwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the same
+      block.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      [<i>Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p087 (66K)" src="images/p087.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[87]</span>Law is law, law is law, and as in such
+      and so forth, and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless,
+      notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down
+      in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a
+      great many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic, they that take
+      least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to
+      follow. Law is like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is
+      like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it; it is also like
+      bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[88]</span>We shall now mention a cause, called
+      "Bullum <i>versus</i> Boatum:" it was a cause that came before me. The
+      cause was as follows.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were two farmers; farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or
+      possessed of a bull: farmer B was possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the owner
+      of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a
+      piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, <i>vulgo vocato</i>, a
+      hay-band.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural
+      for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A's bull, as it
+      was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a
+      dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying-out, some turnips
+      in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat:
+      he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, fell to work upon
+      the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings, floated down the
+      river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock; beat a hole in the
+      bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard; whereupon the owner of
+      the bull brought his action against the boat, for running away with the
+      bull. The owner of the boat brought his action against the bull for
+      running away with the <span class="pagenum">[89]</span> boat. And thus
+      notice of trial was given, Bullum <i>versus</i> Boatum, Boatum <i>versus</i>
+      Bullum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p089 (52K)" src="images/p089.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now the Counsel for the bull began with saying, "My Lord, and you
+      gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are
+      indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my Lord, we have heard of
+      running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my Lord, the bull
+      could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be said to
+      run away with the horses; therefore, my Lord, how can we punish what is
+      not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can we drink
+      what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is
+      not thinkable? Therefore, my <span class="pagenum">[90]</span>Lord, as we
+      are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull
+      in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The counsel for the boat observed that the bull should be nonsuited,
+      because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of;
+      for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel.&mdash;"My Lord, if
+      the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was not
+      of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I over-ruled this motion
+      myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is no
+      colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their
+      heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. This
+      cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both bull and
+      boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river carried
+      them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the tide of
+      the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat had a good
+      action against the water-bailiff.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, this
+      point of law arose, How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what,
+      whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the <span class="pagenum">[91]</span>boat
+      was not a <i>compos mentis</i> evidence, how could an oath be
+      administered? That point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring
+      that, for his client, he would swear any thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original
+      record in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that they
+      were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The
+      charter of the water-bailiff was as follows. "<i>Aquæ bailiffi est
+      magistrates in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et
+      scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus
+      reveris lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni,
+      whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus</i>;" that is, not turbots alone, but
+      turbots and soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the
+      law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed
+      people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling;
+      but, it being proved that they were carried away neither by the tide of
+      flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water,
+      they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of the court, upon their
+      paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again, <i>de novo</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p092 (55K)" src="images/p092.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[92]</span>This is one of those many thousand Heads
+      [<i>takes the head</i>] who swarm in and about London, whose times and
+      minds are divided between the affairs of state and the affairs of a
+      kitchen. He was anxious after venison and politics; he believed every cook
+      to be a great genius; and to know how to dress a turtle comprehended all
+      the arts and sciences together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to
+      read about battles; and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be
+      knock'd on the head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He
+      read every political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the
+      question, and was always on his side whom he read last.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[93]</span>And then he'd come home in a good or ill
+      temper and call for his night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for
+      some neighbours to sit with him, and talk politics together. [<i>Puts on a
+      cap, and takes the pipes and sits down.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p093 (69K)" src="images/p093.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are hard
+      times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of venison
+      without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we should have
+      warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper. Ay, ay; I think
+      I know a thing or two; I think I do, that's all. But, Lord, what signifies
+      what one knows? they don't mind me! You know I <span class="pagenum">[94]</span>mentioned
+      at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the company took me
+      up, and said, 'What signifies America, when we are all in a merry cue?' So
+      they all fell a laughing. Now there's Commons made Lords, and there's
+      Lords made the Lord knows what; but that's nothing to us; they make us pay
+      our taxes; they take care of that; ay, ay, ay, they are sure of that. Pray
+      what have they done for these twenty years last past?&mdash;Why, nothing
+      at all; they have only made a few turnpike roads, and kept the partridges
+      alive till September; that's all they have done, for the good of their
+      country. There were some great people formerly, that lov'd their country,
+      that did every thing for the good of their country; there were your
+      Alexander the Great&mdash;he lov'd his country, and Julius Caesar lov'd
+      his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his country, and Queen
+      Semiramis, she lov'd her country more than any of 'em, for she invented
+      solomon-gundy; that's the best eating in the whole world. Now I'll shew
+      you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive.&mdash;We'll suppose this drop of
+      punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very well. These pieces of
+      cork to be our men of war; very well. Now where shall I raise my
+      fortifications? I wish I had Mr. Major <span class="pagenum">[95]</span>Moncrieff
+      here; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification. Oh! I have
+      it. [<i>Breaks the pipes.</i>] We'll suppose them to be all the strong
+      fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort,
+      Bergen op Zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all
+      over the world. Now I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats,
+      and all our foot-infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd cross
+      the sea before you could say Jack Robinson. And where do you think they
+      should land, Mr. Costive? whisper me that. Ha!&mdash;What?&mdash;When?&mdash;How?&mdash;You
+      don't know.&mdash;How should you!&mdash;Was you ever in Germany or
+      Bohemia?&mdash;Now, I have; I understands jography. Now they should land
+      in America, under the line, close to the south pole; there they should
+      land every mother's babe of 'em. Then there's the Catabaws, and there's
+      the Catawaws; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs and rees; they
+      are the four great nations. Then I takes my Catabaws all across the
+      continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to the
+      Mediterranean. You know where the Mediterranean is?&mdash;No, you know
+      nothing; I'll tell you; the Mediterranean is the metropolis of
+      Constantinople. Then I'd send a fleet to blockade <span class="pagenum">[96]</span>Paris
+      till the French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for General
+      Clinton and Colonel Tarleton; and&mdash;Where was I, Mr. Costive; with
+      Tarleton;&mdash;Thank ye&mdash;so I was; but you are so dull, Mr Costive,
+      you put me out. Now I'll explain the whole affair to you; you shan't miss
+      a word of it. Now there is the king of Prussia and the empress of Russia,
+      and the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in the
+      Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the Cham of Tartary's
+      back setlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a <i>circumbendibus</i>,
+      and retakes all the islands, Rhode Island and all; and takes 'em <i>here</i>
+      and <i>there</i>, and <i>there</i> and <i>here</i>, and <i>every where</i>.
+      There is the whole affair explained at once to you."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p097 (59K)" src="images/p097.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the head of a Proud Man: all heads in that predicament are
+      unsound. This man was rich; and as wealth is a certain hot-bed to raise
+      flatterers, he had enough of them; they told him he was every thing; he
+      believed them, and always spoke in the first person, saying, I, I, I&mdash;I
+      will have it so; I know it;&mdash;I, I&mdash;which puts one in mind of a
+      school-boy toning out before his mistress's knees, I by itself I. Yet
+      there is one piece of pride which may be thought excusable; and <span
+      class="pagenum">[97]</span>that is, that honest exultation of heart which
+      every public performer feels from the approbation of his auditors;
+      gratefully does he acknowledge their indulgence, and with sincerity
+      declares that the utmost exertion of his abilities can never equal the
+      favour of the public.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By way of Epilogue, here are two wigs. [<i>Takes two wigs.</i>] This is
+      called the full-buckled bob, and carries a consequentially along with it:
+      it is worn by those people who frequent city feasts, and gorge themselves
+      at a Lord-Mayor's-show dinner; and, with one of these wigs on, their
+      double chins rested upon their breasts, and their shoulders up, they seem
+      as if they had eaten themselves into a <span class="pagenum">[98]</span>state
+      of indigestion, or else had bumpered themselves out of breath with bottled
+      beer. [<i>Puts on the wig.</i>] "Waiter! bring me a ladleful of soup. You
+      dog, don't take off that haunch of venison yet!&mdash;Bring me the lamb, a
+      glass of currant jelly, and a clean plate. A hob-nob, sir." "With all my
+      heart." "Two bumpers of Madeira!&mdash;Love, health, and ready rhino, to
+      all the friends that you and I know."&mdash;On the contrary, these lank
+      looks form the half-famished face. [<i>Puts on the Methodist hair, and
+      takes the tub.</i>]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:80%">
+      <img alt="p098 (33K)" src="images/p098.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mammon eats up all your upper
+      leathers, and we are all become sad soals. Brethren, (the word brethren
+      comes from the tabernacle, because we <span class="pagenum">[99]</span>all
+      breathe therein), if you are drowsy I'll rouse you, I'll beat a tattoo
+      upon the parchment case of your conscience, and I'll whisk the devil like
+      a whirligig among you. Now let me ask you a question seriously. Did you
+      ever see any body eat any hasty-pudding? What faces they make when it
+      scalds their mouths! Phoo, phoo, phoo! What faces will you all make when
+      old Nick nicks you? Now unto a bowl of punch I compare matrimony; there's
+      the sweet part of it, which is the honey-moon: then there's the largest
+      part of it, that's the most insipid, that comes after, and that's the
+      water; then there's the strong spirits, that's the husband; then there's
+      the sour spirit, that's the wife. But you don't mind me, no more than a
+      dead horse does a pair of spectacles; if you did, the sweet words which I
+      utter would be like a treacle posset to your palates. Do you know how many
+      taylors make a man?&mdash;Why nine. How many half a man?&mdash;Why four
+      journeymen and an apprentice. So have you all been bound 'prentices to
+      madam Faddle, the fashion-maker; ye have served your times out, and now
+      you set up for yourselves. My bowels and my small guts groan for you; as
+      the cat on the house-top is caterwauling, so from the top of my voice will
+      I <span class="pagenum">[100]</span>be bawling. Put&mdash;put some money
+      in the plate, then your abomination shall be scalded off like bristles
+      from the hog's back, and ye shall be scalped of them all as easily as I
+      pull off this periwig.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My attempt you have heard to succeed the projector, And I tremblingly wait
+      your award of this lecture; No merits I plead, but what's fit for my
+      station, And that is the merit of your approbation. And, since for mere
+      mirth I exhibit this plan, Condemn, if you please&mdash;but excuse, if you
+      can.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      END OF THE LECTURE, <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[101]</span>The vice and folly which overspread
+      human nature first created the satirist. We should not, therefore,
+      attribute his severity to a malignity of disposition, but to an exquisite
+      sense of propriety, an honest indignation of depravity, and a generous
+      desire to reform the degenerated manners of his fellow-creatures. This has
+      been the cause of Aristophanes censuring the pedantry and superstition of
+      Socrates; Horace, Persius, Martial, and Juvenal, the luxury and profligacy
+      of the Romans; Boileau and Molière the levity and refinement of the
+      French; Cervantes the romantic pride and madness of the Spanish; and
+      Dorset, Gldharn, Swift, Addison, Churchill, Stevens, and Foote, the
+      variety of vice, folly, and luxury, which we have imported from our
+      extensive commerce and intercourse with other nations. We should,
+      consequently, reverse the satirist and correct ourselves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[102]</span>We should not avoid him as the detecter,
+      but as the friendly monitor. If he speaks severe truths, we should condemn
+      our own conduct which gives him the power.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has frequently been observed, that the satirist has proved more
+      beneficial to the correction of a state than the divine or legislator.
+      Indeed he seems to have been created with peculiar penetrative faculties,
+      and integrity of disposition, and a happy genius to display the enormity
+      of the features, while it corrects the corrupt exercise of our vices. The
+      legislator may frame laws sufficiently wise and judicious, to check and
+      control villany, without the power of impeding the progress of vice and
+      folly, while they are kept within the limits of only injuring ourselves.
+      For law has no power to punish us for the vices which debilitate our
+      constitution, destroy our substance, or degrade our character.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nor can religion entirely extirpate vice, no more than she can even
+      control folly. Her two principles, alluring to virtue by promise of
+      reward, and dissuading from vice by threats of punishment, extend their
+      influence no farther than on those whose dispositions are susceptible of
+      their impressions. So that we find numbers among <span class="pagenum">[103]</span>mankind
+      whose conduct and opinions are beyond her power. The atheist, who
+      disbelieves a future existence, is not likely to check the exercise of his
+      favourite vicious habits for any hope of reward or dread of punishment;
+      and the debauchee, who, though he may not deny the truth of her tenets,
+      yet is too much absorbed in his pleasures, to listen to her precepts, or
+      regard her examples. Besides, there are many so weak in their resolution
+      as not to be capable of breaking the fetters of habit and prepossession,
+      although they are, at the same time, sensible of their destructive
+      consequences. It is, therefore, that nature has implanted in us a sense
+      which tends to correct our disposition, where law and religion are seen to
+      have no power. This sense is a desire of public estimation, which not only
+      tends to give mankind perfection in every art and science, but also to
+      render our personal character respectable. It is this susceptibility of
+      shame and infamy which gives satire its efficiency.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Without this sense of ourselves, the scourge would lose its power of
+      chastisement. We should receive the lashes without a sense of their pain;
+      and without the sense of their pain we would never amend from this
+      affliction. From the desire of <span class="pagenum">[104]</span>being
+      approved and noticed, arises every effort which constitutes the variety of
+      employments and excellencies the world possesses. It actuates the prince
+      and the beggar, the peasant and the politician, the labourer and the
+      scholar, the mechanic and the soldier, the player and the divine. In a
+      word, there is not an individual in the community whose conduct is not
+      influenced by its dictates. It is, therefore, not surprising that mankind
+      should be so impressive to the power of satire, whose object is to
+      describe their vices and follies, for the finger of public infamy to point
+      at their deformities and delinquencies. Thus, where law cannot extend its
+      awe and authority, satire wields the scourge of disgrace; and where
+      religion cannot convince the atheist, attract the attention of the
+      debauchee, or reform those who are subject to the power of habit and
+      fashion, satire affords effectually her assistance. Satire reforms the
+      drunkard, by exposing to the view of himself and the world the brutality
+      of his actions and person when under the influence of intoxication. Satire
+      reforms, likewise, the inordinate actions of those who are not awed by the
+      belief of future reward and punishment, by exposing them to infamy during
+      their present <span class="pagenum">[105]</span>existence. And those who
+      are subject to the dominion of depraved habits satire awakens to a
+      practice of reformation, from the poignant sense of being the derision and
+      contempt of all their connexions; for there is no incentive so powerful to
+      abandon pernicious customs as the sense of present and future disgrace. We
+      may, therefore, conclude, that nothing tends so much to correct vice and
+      folly as this species of public censure. Having thus made some
+      observations on the general utility and necessity of satire, we shall
+      proceed to examine which of its species is the most likely to be
+      effective.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The most remarkable species of satire are, the narrative, dramatic, and
+      picturesque; which have also their separate species peculiar to each. The
+      narrative contains those that either reprove with a smile or a frown, by
+      pourtraying the characteristics of an individual, or the general manners
+      of a society, people, or nation; and are either described in verse or
+      prose. The dramatic contains perfect resemblance, which is described by
+      comedy; or caricature, which is described by farce. And the picturesque is
+      what exercises the painter, engraver, and sculptor. In all these species
+      the satirist may either divert by his humour, entertain by his wit, or
+      torture by his severity. Each mode <span class="pagenum">[106]</span>has
+      its advocates. But we think that the mode should be adapted to the nature
+      of the vice or folly which demands correction. If the vice be of an
+      atrocious nature, it certainly requires that the satire be severe. If it
+      be of a nature that arises more from a weakness of mind than depravity of
+      feeling, we think it should be chastised by the lively and pointed
+      sarcasms of wit; and, if the failing be merely a folly, it should only be
+      the subject of humorous ridicule. With respect to determining which
+      species of satire is the most preferable, the narrative of Horace and
+      Juvenal, the dramatic of Aristophanes and Foote, or the picturesque of
+      Hogarth and Stevens; we can best form our opinion from comparing their
+      different defects and excellencies. As the narrative is merely a
+      description of manners, it is devoid of that imitation of passion and
+      character which gives effect to the dramatic. But, as the language is more
+      pointed, more energetic, and more elegant, it certainly must impress the
+      reader more deeply. The dramatic, therefore, while it is calculated to
+      affect more the spectator, is inferior to the narrative in the closet. The
+      picturesque is more defective than either of the two former. It has only
+      power to describe the action of an instant, and <span class="pagenum">[107]</span>this
+      without the assistance of reflection, observation, and sentiment, which
+      they derive from their verbal expression.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We may, consequently, perceive that each species has defects to which
+      others are not liable, and excellencies which the others do not possess.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus it is evident that a species of satire, which could blend all the
+      advantages of all the three, can only be that which is adequate to the
+      idea of perfect satire. This kind of satire is the Lecture on Heads. We
+      cannot, therefore, be surprised that it should have been the most popular
+      exhibition of the age. The heads and their dresses composed the
+      picturesque: the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer,
+      composed the dramatic; and the lively description of manners, the
+      judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, composed the narrative.
+      Thus did the genius of its author invent a species of entertainment which
+      possessed excellencies that counterbalanced the defects of all other
+      satirists, produced from the age of Aristophanes, who flourished four
+      hundred and seven years before the Christian era, until his own time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having thus enforced the utility of satire in general, and specified the
+      defects and properties of <span class="pagenum">[108]</span>its particular
+      kinds, we shall proceed to make a few observations on the peculiar merit
+      of the Lecture on Heads. We have already seen that it possesses every
+      quality of all other satires in itself: it only, therefore, remains to
+      consider its wit, humour, character, and apparatus; which are its
+      essensial properties. The wit of this Lecture is as various as the
+      subjects which it satirises. Its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts
+      while it chastises, and its pertinency always adorns the sentiment or
+      observation it would illustrate. The variety of its species always
+      entertains, but never satiates. Even puns please, from the aptness and
+      pleasantry of their conceits. His wit is so predominant, that, if we may
+      be allowed the expression, it is discovered in his silence. A most
+      striking example of this is where he uses the rhetorical figure called the
+      Aposiopesis, or suppression, in displaying the head of a prostitute: he
+      introduces it with saying, "This is the head of a woman of the town, or a
+      &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;; but, whatever other title the lady may have, we are
+      not entitled here to take notice of it." Nothing can be more delicate than
+      this suppression: it displays a tenderness and liberality to the frailty
+      of female nature, which does as much credit to his feelings as to his
+      genius.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum">[109]</span>We know not a more happy instance of
+      giving expression to silence, or giving an idea without verbal assistance,
+      than is contained in the above character.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The humour of this Lecture is grotesque, lively, and delicate; it varies
+      its form with the character it ridicules. Nothing can surpass the humorous
+      whimsicality of his situations and expressions; for they please as much
+      from the fanciful manner in which he places the ridiculous to our view, as
+      from the resemblance with which he so naturally describes the prototype.
+      His description of a London Blood cannot fail to excite laughter in the
+      features of the greatest cynic. The natural propensity which mankind has
+      to laugh at mischief never was more happily gratified than from his
+      describing this character <i>pushing a blind horse into a china-shop</i>.
+      Had he chosen any other animal, the effect would not have been so great on
+      his audience. If it had been an ass, it would have been attended with an
+      idea of the obstinacy and the reluctance of this animal, which would have
+      suggested its being too difficult; it would not, therefore, have excited,
+      in any manner, the risible faculty. Had it been an ox, it would have <span
+      class="pagenum">[110]</span>connected with it the idea of too much fury
+      and devastation to entertain with the picture. But choosing a blind horse,
+      who, from his loss of sight and natural docility, may be easily supposed
+      to be led into such a situation; the mind adopts the credibility, and
+      enjoys the whimsical and mischievous consequence, while it condemns the
+      folly and puerility of the Blood who occasioned it. It is this peculiar
+      faculty of choice of subjects, situation, and assemblage, which
+      constitutes the excellence of a humorist, which Stevens possessed in a
+      most eminent degree; for he displays it in almost every line of his
+      Lecture. Indeed, in this art we know of none superior to him, except it be
+      Shakespeare in some of his comedies, which are inimitable in every thing
+      which relates to the <i>vis comica</i>. With respect to the characters of
+      this Lecture, they are such as will be found to exist with human nature;
+      except a few, who are described as the devotees to particular fashions;
+      and such will always be found while vanity, luxury, and dissipation, exist
+      in society. Therefore, from this universality of character, his Lecture
+      will ever be worthy the perusal of every person who would wish to avoid
+      being contemptible or ridiculous: for <span class="pagenum">[111]</span>there
+      is no person but may be liable to some vice or folly, which he will find
+      exposed by this masterly, pleasant, and original, satirist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His characters compose every part of the community. The old and young,
+      rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those of every
+      learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of his whimsical, yet
+      judicious and pertinent, censure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having thus made some general remarks on the wit, humour, and character,
+      of this Lecture, it only remains for us to say a few words on its
+      apparatus. This was merely the picturesque part of the satire, which gave
+      that effect to the <i>tout ensemble</i>, which it would not otherwise have
+      produced as a representation. It was by this appendage that Mr. Stevens
+      was enabled to afford entertainment for nearly three hours without a
+      change of person, although he changed his appearance. The apparatus was
+      not only an ornament, but a visible illustration of what would otherwise
+      have been only mental. It was, therefore, indispensable as a stage
+      exhibition; for, to entertain an audience, the sight must be exercised as
+      well as the mind. It is necessary to prevent languor, which will always be
+      the consequence where reflection is <span class="pagenum">[112]</span>more
+      exerted than sensation. Thus, in every public exhibition, the senses of
+      hearing and seeing should be gratified in every manner that is consistent
+      with the nature of what is produced for the observation of the mind. But
+      although this apparatus was necessary as a representation, it may be
+      dispensed with as a closet satire: for, not being confined to read two or
+      three hours, we can shut the book whenever it becomes uninteresting, which
+      we cannot at a public lecture. We are then confined to one place and one
+      object during its performance. It is this which renders every lecture,
+      that is not accompanied by some apparatus, so tiresome to the auditor. We,
+      therefore, read such lectures as are upon literary Subjects with more
+      pleasure than we hear them delivered. But lectures on anatomy,
+      experimental philosophy, astronomy, and every other that admits of
+      apparatus, we hear and see with much more pleasure and improvement than
+      when we read them. In regard to the Lecture on Heads, as the apparatus is
+      not necessary to make the reader comprehend the force and meaning of the
+      satire more than he can from the words themselves, we make no doubt but
+      its perusal will afford such pleasure as to increase its estimation, if
+      possible, <span class="pagenum">[113]</span>with the public. From a more
+      close attention they will discover beauties of wit, humour, character, and
+      imitation, that were not perceived during its representation: for the
+      minds of an audience are very susceptible of being diverted from attending
+      to what is represented before them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The company whom they are with, or the attractions of others whom they see
+      among an audience, frequently suspend the attention while it loses the
+      greatest beauties of the performance. But, when we are reading a
+      performance in our closet, whatever is capable of pleasing from its
+      novelty, propriety, or excellence, is not liable to be lost from any
+      obstruction or interference by other objects.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Consciousness, therefore, of the entertainment this Lecture will afford to
+      the reader, as well as the auditor and spectator, is the chief inducement
+      of submitting it thus, in its only original state, for his approbation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,2300 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Lecture On Heads
+       As Delivered By Mr. Charles Lee Lewes, To Which Is Added,
+       An Essay On Satire, With Forty-Seven Heads By Nesbit, From
+       Designs By Thurston, 1812
+
+Author: Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+Commentator: Pilon
+
+Illustrator: Thurston and Nesbit
+
+Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21822]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+A LECTURE ON HEADS
+
+By Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
+WITH ADDITIONS,
+
+By Mr. Pilon
+
+AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles Lee Lewes.
+
+TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
+
+WITH FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston.
+
+1812.
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: Numbers in the text within curly brackets are page
+numbers.]
+
+
+ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
+
+There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture,
+it is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in
+which they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much
+they have been imposed upon by the different publishers.
+
+When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was
+published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different
+from the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too
+contemptible to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from
+commencing any legal process against the {VI}publisher for thus
+trespassing on his right and property.
+
+Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary
+success in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that
+success, in almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During
+this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions
+and improvements from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard,
+Shuter, and many other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It
+therefore re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This,
+I suppose, induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his
+edition, with notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might
+be, Mr. Stevens obtained an injunction against the continuance of
+that publication; he was dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the
+interposition of friends, who persuaded the litigants, over a bottle,
+to terminate their difference; Mr. Stevens withdrew his action, and
+the publication was suppressed. I relate this circumstance from {VII}the
+authority of Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be
+surprised to find that this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by
+one who is now complaining of a similar act against himself. I am no
+advocate for any infringements of right or property; but I cannot avoid
+thinking, that complaints of this nature come with a very ill grace
+from those who have committed the same species of literary depredations
+themselves. The last piratical publication of this Lecture was by a
+stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has had the assurance to use my name
+without having my authority, or even asking my permission. He likewise
+very falsely and impudently asserts, that he has published it as I
+spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so much the contrary, that
+it contains not a syllable of the new matter with which it was then
+augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from the spurious and
+very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this piratical list. It is,
+therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was never before published
+until this opportunity {VIII}which I have taken of thus submitting it to
+the Public, for their approbation and patronage, whose
+
+Most humble and devoted servant
+
+I am,
+
+CHARLES LEE LEWES.
+
+July 22, 1785.
+
+
+
+
+PROLOGUE,
+
+Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June
+24, 1780.
+
+     All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout
+     A few doors lower burnt the quorum out.
+     Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot,
+     And justice cannot keep the parish quiet.
+     But peace returning, like the dove appears,
+     And this association stills my fears;
+     Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread,
+     And we give harmless Lectures on the Head.
+     Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes,
+     And snore away the hours within their boxes;
+     Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning,
+     Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning.
+     Mynheer demanded, at the general shock,
+     "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?"
+     "Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob,
+     "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."--
+     "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies,
+     "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies:
+     "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge,
+     "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."--
+     "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear
+     "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square
+     "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say,
+     "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day."
+     Tumult and riot thus on every side
+     Swept off fair order like the raging tide;
+     Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by,
+     "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry.
+     And he, rever'd by every muse so long,
+     Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song,
+     Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name,
+     Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame;
+     With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire,
+     And rolls of science in one blaze expire.
+     But England, like the lion, grows more fierce
+     As dangers multiply, and foes increase;
+     Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm,
+     In martial bands to shield their country arm,
+     And when we trembled for the city's fate,
+     Her youth stood forth the champions of the state;
+     Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie,
+     A parent land to save, or bravely die.
+     Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join,
+     In vain to crush them would the world combine;
+     Discord domestic would no more be known,
+     And brothers learn affection from the throne.
+     But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come
+     When you must bid him live, or seal his doom!
+     He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill
+     Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill.
+     The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail,
+     Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail
+     Who no commander ever disobey'd,
+     Or overlook'd the signals which he made.
+     Under your auspices the field I take,
+     For a young general some allowance make;
+     But if disgracefully my army's led,
+     Let this court-martial then cashier my head.
+
+
+ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE,
+
+Spoken At Newbury,
+
+In Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture,
+
+     Who Had Published
+     Some Lines On Dreaming
+     She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet.
+
+     Written By Mr. Pratt.
+
+     'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart,
+     The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart;
+     Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew,
+     And with it every grace and muse withdrew.
+     But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam,
+     For wit and taste soon brought the truant home!
+     One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung,
+     Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung;
+     Thither it went, the virtues in its train,
+     To hail the panting blessing back again.
+     On its fair throne it now appears as Queen,
+     And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene;
+     Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread
+     The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled.
+     Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here;
+     Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there:
+     In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor,
+     It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door,
+     And smiles, with him, that riot is no more.
+
+
+
+
+LECTURE ON HEADS.
+
+
+
+
+PART I.
+
+{1}Every single speaker, who, like me, attempts to entertain an
+audience, has not only the censure of that assembly to dread, but also
+every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice,
+judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in
+his favour is, _a hope_ that he may meet with that indulgence which
+an English audience are so remarkable _for_, and that every exhibition
+stands so much in need _of_."
+
+This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of
+Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the
+place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they
+have always, since that time, been called _curtain lectures_.
+
+{2}But, before I pretend to make free with other people's heads, it may
+be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could
+be said to the purpose; but, after many experiments, finding I could not
+make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I could
+do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads belonging to other people. But
+here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I confess I have more than once
+wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my poor abilities will bring
+a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius erected a temple to
+Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and from their union
+sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George
+Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man universally
+acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who gave
+peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with
+flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies;
+he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the
+highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now,
+blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to
+acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now
+enjoys that ease his talents {3}have earned, whilst Fame, like an
+evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams.
+With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his place,
+and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of
+conscious inferiority.
+
+A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere _bulbous
+excrescence_, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is
+supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the
+hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.
+
+Some of these heads are manufactured in _wood_, some in _pasteboard_;
+which is a hint to shew there may not only be _block-heads_, but also
+_paper-skulls_.
+
+{4}Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits
+fly up into the _head_, and the blood rushes violently back to the
+_heart_. Hence it is, politicians compare the human constitution and
+the nation's constitution together: they supposing the head to be the
+_court_ end of the town, and the heart the _country_; for people in the
+country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court seem to
+wish to be at the head of things.
+
+We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes
+they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look
+upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike.
+Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise
+they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks:
+as, for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to
+themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [_Here take
+them off._] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering
+with a foolish face of praise, [_make a face here_]; some laughing,
+some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least
+alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning _up_ the
+muscles to laugh [_do so here_], and _down_ to cry.
+
+{5}Yet laughter is much mistook, no person being capable of laughing,
+who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into
+violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any gradation, change
+at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[_Here shews the
+example._]
+
+In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [_Shews the
+head. _]
+
+This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering,
+tip-toe, tripping animalculae of the times, that flutter about fine women
+like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their
+shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch
+equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer
+{6}such things about them, as they wear soufflee gauze, not as things of
+value, but merely to make a shew with: they never say any thing to the
+purpose; but with this in their hands [_takes up an eye-glass_] they
+stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ
+of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they imagine themselves possessed
+of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a
+look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their
+arms.--"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour,
+an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She must be one of us; she
+must be comeatable, 'pon honour."--"No, Sir," replies a stranger, that
+overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."--"Is she so? I'll look
+at her again--ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I
+look at her again, there is something devilish un-genteel about her."
+
+{7}_Wigs_, as well as _books_, are furniture for the head, and both
+_wigs_ and _books_ are sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore
+suppose this wig [_shews a large wig_] to be a huge quarto in large
+paper; this is a duodecimo in small print [_takes the knowing head_];
+and this a jockey's head, sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [_Takes
+the jockey's head._] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great
+affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side
+of the post the rider pleases: but what sort of heads must those people
+have who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking
+funds with their capitals? These are a couple of heads which, in the
+{8}Sportsman's Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a
+great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they
+dress themselves in these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity
+of ahead, to shew they have taken their degrees from students in the
+stable, up to the masters of arts, upon a coach-box. [_ Gives the two
+heads off, and takes the book-case._]
+
+The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up
+wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a
+parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A
+student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law
+books cut from a _whipping-post_; physical dictionaries may be had in
+_Jesuits' bark_; a treatise upon duels in _touchwood_; the history
+of opposition in _wormwood_; Shakespeare's works in _cedar_, his
+commentators in _rotten wood_; the reviewers in birch, and the history
+of England in _heart of oak_.
+
+Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and
+militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their
+own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece
+of broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have
+{9}borrowed their education from these libraries, and have wooden, very
+wooden tastes indeed. [_ Gives it off._]
+
+Here's a head full charged for _fun_ [_takes the head_], a comical
+half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what
+a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always
+laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must
+always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was
+always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do
+you call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now
+be comical a little." But if there is no {10}other person will speak, he
+will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die with laughing," and
+he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most comicallest story
+that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he always interlards
+his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was
+a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me
+again;----did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your born
+days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any person
+even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he puts
+on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says,
+"It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so,
+that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [_Puts on a foolish look, and gives
+the head off._]
+
+{11}Here is Master Jacky [_takes the head_], mamma's darling; when she
+was with child of him she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion.
+He was never suffered to look into a book for fear of making him
+round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that; his mamma's
+woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could calculate to a
+single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a codlin tart. He
+wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's tucker, and
+placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no other use
+of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly such a
+character in view by his _dulcissime rerum_--"sweetest of all things;"
+all essence and effeminacy; {12}and that line of his--_Quid Agis,
+dulcissime rerum?_ may be rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As
+they have rivalled the ladies in the delicacy of their complexion, the
+ladies therefore have a right to make reprisals, and to take up that
+manliness which our sex seems to have cast off.
+
+Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [_Takes up the head._] She
+looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day
+to follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the
+morning, with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion
+covered with milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley
+water. This does honour to creation; this {13}disgraces it. And so far
+have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate affections, that,
+if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might be taken for
+Miss Jenny [_puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky_]; therefore
+grammarians can neither rank them as _masculine_ or _feminine_, so set
+them down of the _doubtful_ gender. [_Puts off the heads._]
+
+Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds,
+some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish
+clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the
+honest fellow is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is
+singing-master, who is to keep the company alive for four or five hours;
+then your honest fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They
+married into Folly's family, from whom they received this crest, and
+which nobody chooses to be known by. [_ Takes up the fool's cap._]
+
+{14}This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer known; it never comes
+home to any body, and is often observed to belong to every body but
+themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term nothing,
+although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made such
+use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing,
+and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to
+twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are
+very apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty
+to fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are
+very careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what
+all our thinking comes to; and then, {15}what between our losses and our
+gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with the addition of
+old age, we can but strike this balance [_Takes the board with
+cyphers_]--These are a number of nothings, they are hieroglyphics of
+part of human kind; for in life, as well as in arithmetic, there are
+a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers, mean nothing in
+themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the addition of a
+single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in an instant.
+The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into something by
+the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [_Turns the
+board, shews the golden one._] But, as these persons' gains come from
+nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they
+who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they
+have nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have
+done nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus
+concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he
+has properly executed, by making nothing of it.
+
+{16}This is the head of a London Blood, taken from the life. [_Holds the
+head up._] He wears a bull's forehead for a fore-top, in commemoration
+of that great blood of antiquity, called Jupiter, who turned himself
+into a bull to run away with Europa: and to this day bloods are
+very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined that all mirth
+consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a waiter out of
+the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a beggar in
+a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against a wall,
+hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round the
+room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty."
+
+{17}He was quite the thing, either for kicking up a riot, or keeping
+it up after he had kicked it up: he was quite the thing, for one day he
+kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about the streets: another time he
+shoved a blind horse into a china shop--_that was damned jolly_: he was
+a constant customer to the round house: a terror to modest women, and a
+dupe to the women of the town; of which this is exhibited as a portrait.
+[_ Take the head._] This is the head of a Man of the Town, or a Blood;
+and this of a Woman of the Town, or a ------; but whatever other title
+the lady may have, we are not entitled to take notice of it; all that we
+can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one {18}moment to Pity; let not
+delicacy be offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these
+unhappy examples of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular
+festivity, indiscretion appears thus--[_takes off that, shews the
+other:_] but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore
+ought common opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that
+betrays female honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty
+is robbed, the hue and cry which is raised, is never raised in her
+favour; deceived by ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue
+criminal, she is ruined by our sex, and prevented reformation by the
+reproaches of her own. [_Takes it off._] As this is the head of a Blood
+going to keep it up [_takes it off_], here is the head of a Blood after
+he has kept it up. [_Shews that head._] This is the head of a married
+Blood--what a pretty piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of
+delicacy's bed-chamber: What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with
+a bumper in his hand, to think of a wife: that would be spoiling his
+sentiment: no, he is to keep it up, and to shew in what manner our
+London Bloods do keep it up. We shall conclude the first part of this
+lecture by attempting a specimen--[_puts on the Blood's wig_]: "Keep it
+up, huzza! {19}keep it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father
+last April day. I will tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping
+it up, faith, so about four o'clock this morning I went down into the
+kitchen, and there was Will the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire;
+the dog cannot keep it up as we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly,
+and takes the tongs, and I takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire,
+as big as my head, and I plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I
+loves fun; so it has lamed the fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You
+talk of your saying good things; I said one of the best things last week
+that ever any man said in all the world. It was what you call your
+_rappartees_, your _bobinates_. I'll tell you what it was: You must
+know, I was in high spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man,
+for I do love fun! so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that
+made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, 'Hip, master, do you want
+your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind what I said to the
+blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Then
+says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'--Keep it up! keep it
+up!--That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a
+parson, I always do; and my brother he {20}is a parson too, and he hates
+to hear any body swear; so I always swear when I am along with him, to
+roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my
+sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I
+sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was half over, for I loves
+fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me, and I begun to
+swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my new oaths;
+it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my brother
+looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his knife and
+fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, _Oh Tempora!
+oh Mores!_---'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think to frighten me,
+by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind you, nor your
+family neither--Only bring Tempora and Mores here, that's all; I'll box
+them for five pounds; here,--where's Tempora and Mores? where are
+they?--Keep it up! keep it up!"
+
+END OF PART I.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+THE FIVE SCIENCES: ARCHITECTURE, PAINTING, POETRY, MUSIC, AND
+ASTRONOMY.
+
+{21}This is a small exhibition of pictures. These pictures are placed
+here to shew the partiality of the present times. Formerly seven cities
+contended for the honour of having Homer for their countryman; but as
+soon as it was known these sciences were born in England, the whole club
+of Connoiseurs exclaimed against them, saying, it was impossible that
+there could be any real genius among them, our atmosphere being too
+thick and too heavy to nourish any fine ideas. These sciences, being
+found out to be mere English, were treated as impostors; for, as they
+had not ft handsome wife, nor sister, to speak for them, not one single
+election vote in their family, nor a shilling in their pockets to bribe
+the turnpike {22}door-keeper, they could not succeed; besides, Chinese,
+zig-zag, and gothic imitations, monopolized all premiums: and the envy
+of prejudice, and the folly of fashion, made a party against them. They
+were so weak in themselves, as to imagine the merits of their works
+would recommend them to the world. Poor creatures! they knew nothing of
+the world, to suppose so; for merit is the only thing in the world not
+recommendable. To prevent starving, Architecture hired herself as a
+brick-layer's {23}labourer to a Chinese temple-builder; Painting took on
+as a colour-grinder to a paper-stainer; Poetry turned printer's devil;
+Music sung ballads about the streets: and Astronomy {24}sold almanacks.
+They rambled about in this manner for some time; at last, they picked
+up poor Wit, who lay ill of some bruises he had received one masquerade
+night.
+
+As poor Wit was coming down the Haymarket, just as the masquerade
+was breaking up, the noise of a pickpocket was announced, upon which
+Buffoonery fell upon Wit, and mangled him most piteously. Invention
+stood Wit's friend, and help-ed him to make his escape to those
+Sciences. Now it happened that night, Lady Fashion had lost her
+lap-dog, which Wit found, and brought to these his companions, for
+whom Architecture built a little house; Painting made a portrait of it:
+Poetry wrote a copy of verses upon it, which Music put a tune to; and
+Astronomy calculated the dear creature's nativity; which so pleased Lady
+Fashion, that she recommended them to the house of Ostentation, but left
+Wit behind, because as wit was out of taste, Fashion would not have
+any thing to say to it. However, some of her Ladyship's upper servants
+invited Wit into the steward's room, and, according to the idea some
+folks have of Wit, they begged he'd be comical. One brought him a poker
+to bend over his arm; another desired he would eat a little fire for 'em
+before dinner; the {25}butler requested a tune upon the musical glasses;
+my lady's woman desired he would tell her fortune by the cards; and the
+grooms said, "as how, if his honour was a wit, he could ride upon three
+horses at once." But before Wit could answer to any of these questions,
+the French governess belonging to the family came down stairs, and
+ordered Wit to be turned out of doors, saying, "Vat want you vid Vit,
+when you are studying a la Francoise? I'll vous assurez, I'll vous
+assurez, if you will have us for your masters, you must have no vit at
+all." [_The sciences taken off._]
+
+Poor Wit being turned out of doors, wandered about friendless, for
+it was never yet known that a man's wit ever gained him a friend. He
+applied himself to the proprietors of the newspapers, but upon their
+inquiring whether he understood politics, and being totally ignorant of
+them, they would not employ him. He enquired after Friendship, but found
+Friendship was drowned at the last general election; he went to find out
+Hospitality, but Hospitality being invited to a turtle-feast, there was
+no room for Wit; he asked after Charity, but it being found that Charity
+was that day run over by a bishop's new set of coach-horses, he died
+broken-hearted, being a distemper which, although {26}not catalogued in
+the Materia Medica, is very epidemical among beautiful women, and men
+of genius, who, having worn themselves out in making other people
+happy, are at last neglected, and left to perish amid age and infirmity,
+wondering how the world could be so ungrateful.
+
+Here is the Head of a Connoisseur. [_Takes the head._]--Though born in
+this kingdom, he had travelled long enough to fall in love with every
+thing foreign, and despise every thing belonging to his own country,
+except himself. He pretended to be a great judge of paintings, but only
+admired those done a great way off, and a great while ago; he could not
+bear anything done by any of his own countrymen; and one day being in
+an auction-room where {27}there was a number of capital pictures, and,
+among the rest, an inimitable piece of painting of fruits and flowers,
+the Connoisseur would not give his opinion of the picture until he had
+examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by an Englishman, he
+pulled out his eye-glass [_Takes the eyeglass,_] "O, Sir," says he,
+"these English fellows have no more idea of genius than a Dutch skipper
+has of dancing a cotillion; the dog has spoiled a fine piece of canvas;
+he's worse than a Harp-Alley sign-post dauber; there's no keeping,
+no perspective, no fore-ground;--why there now, the fellow {28}has
+attempted to paint a fly upon that rose-bud, why it's no more like a fly
+than I am like an a--a--." But as the connoisseur approached his finger
+to the picture, the fly flew away---His eyes are half closed; this is
+called the wise man's wink, and shews he can see the world with half
+an eye; he had so wonderful a penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he
+always could see how every thing was to be--after the affair was over.
+
+Then talking of the affairs of administration, he told his lordship,
+that he could see how things were all along, they could not deceive him.
+"I can see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the
+lead, they won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme
+that ever could be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme
+that he found out, he discovered to the ministry as follows:
+
+"Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without
+burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I
+would have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water.
+Who'll buy it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or
+they never could work their boats any more: there's a {29}scheme to
+pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh
+tax." [_ Takes the head off._]
+
+Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your
+worldly-wise men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes
+of faith, and would have a reason given him for every thing. He
+disinherited his only son because the lad could not give him a reason
+why a black hen laid a white egg. He was a great materialist, and thus
+he proved the infinity of matter. He told them, that all round things
+were globular, all square things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is
+equal to the top, and the top equal to the bottom, and the {30}bottom
+and the top are equal to the four sides, _ergo_, all matter is as broad
+as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove
+matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter.
+[_ Takes off the head._]
+
+We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state--in
+a state of intoxication. [_Shews the head._]
+
+These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open
+and shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an
+election picture [_shews it_]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis an
+interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those
+we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is {31}madman's holiday,
+'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day, takes to
+market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being considered
+as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make his
+wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [_ Gives
+off the picture. _] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial
+insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it,
+because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't
+say as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve
+the liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [_Gives off the head._]
+
+The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon
+Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was
+the returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her
+with the golden apple. [_ Takes up the money._] Juno, on her approaching
+Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with
+a mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob.
+Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and
+if he would be her friend, she would teach him _propria quae maribus_.
+But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make {32}use of
+words, gave him such a look as put her in possession of the golden
+apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude to Paris, who had so well
+managed the election for her, made him a present of several slices of
+that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that event, such slices
+have been made use of as presents at all other general elections; they
+have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical wires, let a
+hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be the same;
+but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which is, that
+though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people.
+
+It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the
+English; nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it
+will not make palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this
+town to every adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase
+is; no matter what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it
+be a woman riding upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without
+any head at all, debating upon politics and religion at Westminster
+Forum: but here, let not my fair countrywomen condemn me as an
+unmannerly satirist; we respect the taste and understanding, as much as
+we admire {33}the beauty and delicacy of the sex; but surely no woman of
+sense would suppose we meant to offend her, if we said she was the most
+improper person in the world to be made a captain of horse, or a member
+of parliament.
+
+This is the head [_takes the head_] of a Female Moderator, or President
+of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a demonstration that
+man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and that her sex has a
+just right to participation of both with him: she would have physicians
+in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French curls; then she
+would have _young_ women of spirit to command our fleets and armies, and
+_old_ ones to govern the state:--she pathetically laments that {34}women
+are considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings,
+pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough.
+If this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we
+may expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general
+has miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment
+she opened the budget.
+
+This is the head [_shews it_] of a Male Moderator, and president of
+eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for
+fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing
+but those things which we {35}ought to learn: but this is a school to
+teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a cobler into a Demosthenes;
+make him thunder over porter, and lighten over gin, and qualify him to
+speak on either side of the question in the house of commons, who has
+not so much as a single vote for a member of parliament.
+
+Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut
+and dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been
+cabbaged; here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry;
+here the minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be
+shifted; that the king's household wants a better manager; that there is
+no necessity for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set
+of very bad actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge
+his prompter. Some time ago, the president of this society had a great
+constitutional point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the
+satisfaction of the ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of
+state, and with the crack of her fan opened the business of the evening;
+declaring, as women had wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic
+employment, she saw no reason why their knowledge should be confined to
+the dress of a {36}head or the flounce of a petticoat; that government,
+in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, nay more;
+with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women did not
+rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at least, upon
+an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from the days
+of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who served
+in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding their
+plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the
+officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as
+much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics,"
+continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a
+Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy
+of '_Which is the Man_,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury?
+Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence
+of our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior
+eloquence of our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined
+in general plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con.
+perpetual president.
+
+{37}Before I put these heads on one side, I shall give a derivation of
+their title. Moderator is derived from _mode_, the fashion, and _rate_,
+a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies that Fashion advised these
+two to lay their heads together, in order to take advantage of the
+passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, and out-of-the-way
+undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that should inculcate
+the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, not finding his
+labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according to the value he
+sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an apostate from
+grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his hand, instead of
+a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras expresses it)
+a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that place, where
+nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth.
+
+{38}Among the many heads that have played upon the passions of the
+public, this is one [_takes the head'_] that did cut a capital figure in
+that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the card-playing conjuring Jew.
+He could make matadores with a snap of his fingers, command the four
+aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But there is a great many
+people in London, besides this man, famous for playing odd tricks, and
+yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made a great figure in the
+law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the law is a profession
+that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any longer to load our
+heads with the weight of learning, or pore {39} for years over arts
+and sciences, when a few months' practice with these pasteboard
+pages [_takes the cards_] can make any man's fortune, without his
+understanding a single letter of the alphabet, provided he can but slip
+the cards, snap his fingers, and utter the unintelligible jargon of
+'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' like this Jonas. The
+moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of cards, he begins,
+"I am no common slight-of hand man; the common slight-of-hand men, they
+turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you believe their fingers
+deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one card, two cards, three
+cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; you look at the card
+at this side, you look at the card at that side, and I say blow the
+blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and now, sir, I
+will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can once more
+deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he do the
+like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on that
+side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is
+shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most
+practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself,
+{40}and finding his slights of hand turned to little or no account, now
+practises on notes of hand by discount, and is to be found every morning
+at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in dirt, and at two at
+the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, where these locusts
+of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of interest, supply the
+temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to out-wit 'em, had
+they even the cunning of a... Fox!
+
+Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [_shews the head_], a
+very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This
+head may be compared to a _disoblezeance_; for there is but one seat in
+it, and that is not the seat {41}of understanding: yet it is wonderful
+how much more rapidly this will move in the high road of preferment than
+one of your thinking, feeling, complex, English heads, in which honour,
+integrity, and reason, make such a pother, that no step can be taken
+without consulting them. This head, if I may be allowed to speak with
+an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his _feats_: but the last
+_fete_ he attempted proved his _defeat_; for, in springing too high, he
+got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for ever, and which none
+but a foreigner's head could recover.
+
+Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the
+houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust
+from their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the
+following picture--[_The picture brought, and he goes before it._]
+
+{42}Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer, maintained by us in all the
+luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground a maimed soldier and
+sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the insolence of the
+opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with the gallant
+Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of Minden.
+Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg--would it not
+be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to stand
+on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to
+sing to us for {43}the trifling sum of fifteen hundred or two thousand
+guineas yearly, in return for such their condescension, we cannot do too
+much for them, and that is the reason why we do so little for our own
+people. This is the way we reward those who only bring folly into the
+country, and the other is the way, and the only way, with which we
+reward our deliverers. [_The picture taken off._] Among the number of
+exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment, the head of an
+opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been exhibited,
+could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for that
+exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head
+for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this
+assembly do me the honour to accept it. [_Takes up the music-frame and
+book._]
+
+Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical
+scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We
+must suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a
+stranger to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And
+the want of wit made up by making of faces.
+
+{44}[_Changes wigs and sits down._] Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso,
+English be dumb, your language is but so so;
+
+     Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte,
+     Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirty
+     Mon charmant, prenez guarda,
+     Mind what your signior begs,
+     Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda,
+     You may rub my shirt to rags.
+     Vile you make the water hotter--
+     Uno solo I compose.
+     Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter,
+     And de little petty toes;
+     De petty toes are little feet,
+     De little feet not big,
+     Great feet belong to de grunting hog,
+     De petty toes to de little pig.
+     Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea,
+     Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a.
+     Ma bella dolce sogno,
+     Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono,
+     And a little slice
+     Of bread and butter nice.
+     A bravo bread, and butter
+     Bravissimo-----------imo.
+
+END OF PART II.
+
+
+
+
+PART III.
+
+[_Discovers two ladies on the table._] {45}In spite of all the sneers,
+prints, and paragraphs, that have been published to render the ladies'
+headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a fine woman to lead
+the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to find fault with
+it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of rendering the ladies
+ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich dressed lady
+without elegance.--Here is an elegant dressed lady without riches;
+for riches can no more give grace than they can beget understanding. A
+multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can never
+distinguish the gentlewoman. [_Gives off the delicate lady._] This is a
+representation of those misled ladies whose families having gained
+great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of their
+ancestors, {46}and turn up their nose at every thing mechanical, and
+call it _wulgar_. They are continually thrusting themselves among the
+nobility, to have it said they keep quality company, and for that empty
+qualification expose themselves to all the tortures of ill treatment;
+because it is a frolic for persons of rank to mortify such their
+imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity at second-hand,
+and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of beauty, by not
+having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in a labyrinth
+of fashionable intricacies. [_Gives the head off. Takes the head of
+Cleopatra._]
+
+Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of
+antiquity, called Cleopatra, {47}This is the way the ladies of antiquity
+used to dress their heads in a morning. [_Gives the head off._] And this
+is the way the ladies at present dress their heads in a morning. [_Takes
+the head._] A lady in this dress seems hooded like a hawk, with a
+blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One would imagine this fashion
+had been invented by some surly duenna, or ill-natured guardian, on
+purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or the other; and that may
+be the reason why now every young lady chooses to look forward. As the
+world is round, every thing turns round along with it; no wonder there
+should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses. This was in fashion
+two or three years past; this is the fashion of last year [_takes a head
+up_]; and this the morning headdress [_takes the head_] of this present
+_anno domini_. These are the winkers, and these are the blinkers.
+But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be treated with the utmost
+delicacy, all we can say of these three heads, thus hoodwinked, is, that
+they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus muffled, have a mind to
+play at blindman's buff together. [_Gives the heads off._]
+
+{48}We shall now exhibit the head of An Old Maid. [_Takes the head._]
+This is called antiquated virginity; it is a period when elderly
+unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes about in
+leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly unmarried
+ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind. Old maids
+are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too long on the
+lees will turn to vinegar.
+
+{49}Not to be partial to either sex [_takes the head up_], as a
+companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An Old Bachelor. These
+old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually abusing matrimony,
+without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When they are in company
+they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands, saying, if they
+were married, their wives should never go any where without asking their
+lords and masters' leave; and if they were married, the children should
+never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set the house to
+rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers abroad
+are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to some
+termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open their
+lips, {50}but are frightened even if she frowns. Old bachelors, in this,
+resemble your pretenders to atheism, who make a mock in public of
+what in private they tremble at and fall down to. When they become
+superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle through spectacles,
+and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of symphonies,
+and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put on my
+spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love song;
+'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &c. [_Laughs aloud._] How droll to hear
+the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without a tooth!
+[_Gives the head off._]
+
+{51}It is something odd that ladies shall have their charms all abroad
+in this manner [_takes the head_], and the very next moment this shall
+come souse over their _heads_, like an extinguisher. [_Pulls the calash
+over._] This is a hood in high taste at the upper end of the town; and
+this [_takes the head_] a hood in high taste at the lower end of the
+town. Not more different are these two heads in their dresses than
+they are in their manner of conversation: this makes use of a delicate
+dialect, it being thought polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot,
+_ca'ant_; must not _ma'ant_; shall not, _sha'ant_, This clipping
+of letters would be extremely detrimental to the current coin of
+conversation, did not these good dames make ample amends by adding
+supernumerary syllables when they talk of _break-fastes_, and
+_toastesses_, and running their heads against the postasses to avoid
+the wild _beastesses_. These female orators, brought up at the bar
+of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which,
+however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly
+conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between
+ancient and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to
+the purpose. Some people talk without saying any thing; some people
+{52}don't care what they say; some married men would be glad to have
+nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands would be full as glad
+if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [_ Gives the head
+off._] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion; modern oratory
+the knack of putting words, not things, together; for speech-makers now
+are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of their harangues;
+they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their goodness rated
+according as they hold out against time. For example, a gentleman lately
+coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly pleased with
+some debates which he had just then heard, one of his acquaintance
+begged the favour that he would tell the company what the debates were
+about.
+
+"About, Sir!--Yes, Sir.--About!--what were they debating about? Why they
+were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?" "What did
+they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two hours, three
+quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch, which is
+the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said, who
+should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking."
+"Which side was he of?" "Why {53}he was of my side, I stood close by him
+all the time."
+
+Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers,
+or orators. [_Takes the two heads up._] These in their life-time were
+heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners.
+_(Holds one head in each hand.)_ This Don Dismal's faction, is a
+representation of that discontented part of mankind who are always
+railing at the times, and the world, and the people of the world: This
+is a good-natured fellow, that made the best of every thing: and this
+Don Dismal would attack his brother--"Oh, brother! brother! brother!
+what will this world come to?" "The same place it set out from this day
+twelve-month." "When will the nation's debt be paid {54}off?" "Will
+you pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times--very
+slippery times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become
+of our liberty?--Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be
+sure." "I can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [_
+Gives the heads off._]
+
+It may seem strange to those spectators [_takes the head_] who are
+unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such
+caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such
+enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the
+good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the
+ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old
+England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as
+part of their head-dresses [_lets down the tail and takes out the wool_],
+keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [_Takes off the
+head._]
+
+But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in
+the Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tete from a puppet-show
+woman, and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls
+with, fancied a whisp of hay might {55}do. [_Takes the head._] Here
+is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery; and here is her
+new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at her garret
+dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to receive a
+letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house again, the
+postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by way of
+forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but may the
+ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order. Amen.
+
+Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words,
+which are, _simplex munditiis_. Now these two words cannot be properly
+translated; {56}their best interpretation is that of a young Female
+Quaker. [_Takes the head._] Such is the effect of native neatness.
+Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to adorn her, nor
+artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which satire has
+dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering the
+features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces.
+[_Gives the head off._] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like
+pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging
+under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the
+sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers
+as men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or
+that they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would
+fly at any thing scarlet. [_Takes the head off._] But such practitioners
+should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.--If
+bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of
+his work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by
+the art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made
+them. If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take
+such liberties with her sex, by {57}way of atonement for that part of
+my behaviour which may appear culpable, I humbly beg leave to offer a
+nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' faces in perpetual bloom,
+and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and I dare venture to
+affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be of so much
+service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of this.
+[_Shews the girdle of good temper._]
+
+Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry
+with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle
+op Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear {58}lovely to her
+husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married
+folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or
+wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear
+this girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husband _begs_ his
+wife, the wife _insists_ upon the husband's putting it on; in the
+contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will
+condescend to stoop first to take it up. [_Lays down the girdle._]. Bear
+and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry
+Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four
+radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time
+making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it.
+Their horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the
+reason why married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields.
+Many a couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage
+that can convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the
+postcoach of ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence,
+Luxury, and Credit; the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust,
+Tyranny, and Oppression; the servants out of livery, that wait at table,
+{59}are Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were
+ladies once to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again
+they would choose to appear in such a character.
+
+Here is a Lady [_takes up the picture_] in her true tranquil state of
+mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare
+that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses
+to be herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the
+reverse of this medallion is the same lady when she chooses _not_ to be
+in temper, and _not_ to be herself. [_Turns the picture._] This face is
+put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she has
+lost a _sans prendre_, when her lap-dog's foot is trod {60}upon, or when
+her husband has dared to contradict her. Some married ladies may have
+great cause of complaint against their husbands' irregularities; but is
+this a face to make those husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such
+looks as these [_turns the picture_] they are to be won: and may the
+ladies hereafter only wear such looks, and may this never more be known
+[_turns the picture_] only as a picture taken out of AEsop's Fables.
+[_Gives off the picture._]
+
+May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good
+ones as fast as they can.
+
+It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of
+courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards.
+Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and
+sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through
+matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands
+are seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this
+name--[_Shews the girdle of indifference._] Courtship is matrimony's
+running footman, but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is
+too often carried away by the two grand preservatives of matrimonial
+{61}friendship, delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper
+very mortal to the honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized
+with, and the college of physicians call it by this title--[_Shews the
+girdle of the sullens._]
+
+This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with
+which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the
+arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed
+earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in
+the mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping
+about the room, and looking at his lady {62}like the devil: at last he
+abruptly demands of her her,
+
+"What's the matter with you, madam?"
+
+The lady mildly replies,
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What is it you mean, madam?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What would you make me, madam?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"What is it I have done to you, madam?"
+
+"O--h--nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at breakfast. The
+lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was made with Thames
+water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that the
+tea-kettle was filled out of the New River.
+
+{63}From a scene of matrimonial tumult here is one of matrimonial
+tranquillity. [_Matrimonial picture brought on, and you go forward._]
+Here is an after-dinner wedlock _tete-a-tete_, a mere matrimonial
+_vis-a-vis_; the husband in a yawning state of dissipation, and the lady
+in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A nothing-to-doishness. If
+an unexpected visitor should happen to break in upon their solitude,
+the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is horribly chagrined, and
+most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in such a deshabille:
+but, upon honour, she did not mind {64}how her clothes were huddled on,
+not expecting any company, there being nobody at home but her husband."
+
+The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am
+heartily glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost
+asleep; for, as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know
+what to do with myself."
+
+END OF PART III.
+
+
+
+
+PART IV.
+
+{65}We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable,
+both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare;
+_considerandi, considerando, considerandum_; and are not to be meddled
+with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expressing itself
+with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or
+genders, except indeed when a _woman_ happens accidentally to be slain,
+then the verdict is always brought in _man_-slaughter. The essence of
+the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate,
+irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the quintessence of the law has,
+according to its name, five parts. The first is the _beginning_, or
+_incipiendum_; the second the _uncertainty_, or _dubitandum_; the
+third _delay_, or _puzzliendum_; fourthly _replication_ without _endum_;
+and, fifthly, _monstrum et horrendum_.
+
+{66}All which are exemplified in the following cases, Daniel against
+Dishclout.--Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was
+cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to
+take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he
+was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid; the pleadings of
+which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant
+Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour to be pitched upon
+to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume
+to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about circumlocutory
+manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any
+ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to shew
+what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon.
+Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the same family with
+Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the
+fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attachment on the
+sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied with her left,
+tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's
+Reports, Slack _versus_ Small wood, it is said that _primus {67}strocus
+sine jocus, absolutus est provokus_. Now who gave the _primus strocus?_
+who gave the first offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan
+there; for, my Lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we
+could not have been thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan
+had not been there, for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have
+tumbled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began
+with, "My Lord, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not
+much to say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at once; at
+once and immediately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor:
+the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding,
+common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself, as Dr.
+Biblibus declares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio
+volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that
+a drunken man is _homo duplicans_, or a double man; not only because he
+sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be,
+_profecto ipse_ he; but is as he should not be, _defecto tipse_ he."
+
+{68}The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his
+ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically.
+He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do
+conceive I have the authority to declare that I am counsel in this case
+for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not flourish away in
+words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people may think them
+an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one
+can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Lord,
+this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for
+the law knows no medium, and {69}right and wrong are but its shadows.
+Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's
+premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a kitchen is not a
+warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a bake-house, an
+inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my Lord, 'tis
+absolutely and _bona fide_ neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as
+the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, _camera necessaria pro
+usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo,
+stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding
+mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et
+calepashibus_.
+
+"But we shall not avail ourselves of an _alibi_, but admit of the
+existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new
+ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from
+plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if
+they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the
+law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them."
+Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law
+is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
+
+{70}By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the
+fool with himself; but some people, fearful it would take from their
+consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes the appearance of
+keeping fools in great families. [_Takes the head._] Thus are they
+dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are related to
+all the wise families in the kingdom.
+
+This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is
+without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's
+head. This is the head of Somebody. [_Takes the head._] It has two
+faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these
+faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face
+is exhibited as a hint to that part {71}of mankind who are always
+whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody,
+and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty,
+one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master
+called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of naming
+any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse
+Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the
+word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster,
+you are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her
+very well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene;
+I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling
+at the partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported
+if he snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment
+for those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would
+fall hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers
+could not continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods.
+
+{72}Here is the head [_takes it_] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his
+mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and this is exhibited as an emblem
+of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the
+faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of
+others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head
+[_takes it_] of Everybody. [_ Turns the head round._] This is to show
+how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or
+what every body will say. Nay, there is not a poor country wench,
+when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will
+immediately reply to him, "Lord!--Your honour!--What will the world
+say?" And this, _what will the {73}world say_, is what everybody is
+anxious after, although it is hardly worth anybody's while to trouble
+their heads with the world's sayings.
+
+These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a
+fifth head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after
+something about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out
+Everybody's business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his
+pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads
+the fib of each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper,
+the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives
+Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as
+Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and,
+at last, there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From
+these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation
+demonstrates the odds are so much against them; but Hope flatters them,
+Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty
+thousand pounds prizes must come to Somebody [_gives the head off_];
+and, as Anybody may have them [_gives the head off_], and Nobody
+{74}knows who [_gives the head off_], Everybody buys lottery-tickets.
+[_Gives the head off._]
+
+Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the
+attention of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking,
+conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity
+of his hearers. Yet it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this
+address; for, to shew in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here
+exposes the head of flattery. [_Takes the head._]
+
+This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that
+is the reason why poor {75}wits are always the greatest flatterers. The
+ancients had several days they called lucky and unlucky ones; they
+were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery
+distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining profile;
+to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least approach
+of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [_Opens the
+head._] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the
+moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to
+suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they
+greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without
+considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is
+intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows:
+This head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it
+then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two
+knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at
+the same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the
+knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It
+is a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!"
+replied the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black
+{76}head." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords
+flew out, and they hacked and hewed one another so long, that, at last,
+fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground; then, lifting
+up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A
+venerable hermit coming by, bound up their wounds, placed them again on
+horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, That they never hereafter
+should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without
+having previously examined both sides of the question.
+
+We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national
+characters.
+
+{77}Here is the head of a Frenchman [_shews the head_], all levity and
+lightness, singing and capering from morning till night, as if he looked
+upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty and law but a jig. Yet
+Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though he lives in a country
+that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute monarch. Has he
+property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and the slave
+is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon in the
+country to which a _lettre de cachet_ conveys him, and buries the wretch
+for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the cause?"
+
+{78}"_Je ne scai pas_, it is de will of de Grand Monarch." Give him a
+_soupe maigre_, a little sallad, and a hind quarter of a frog, and he's
+in spirits.--"_Fal, lai, lai, vive le roy, vive la bagatelle_." He is
+now the declared enemy of Great Britain: ask him, "Why?--has England
+done your country an injury?" "Oh no." "What then is your cause of
+quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de liberty to de subject. She will
+have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir, de Grand Monarch have send
+out de fleet and de army to chastise de English; and, ven de America are
+free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American himself." "But, Monsieur,
+is France able to cope with England on her own element, the sea?" "_Oh!
+pourquois non?_" "Why not?"
+
+{79}Here is the head of a British Tar [_shews the head_]; and, while
+England can man her navy with thousands of these spirits, Monsieur's
+threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises danger, wounds,
+and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if (like a
+salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action grows
+hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no reward
+for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so honourable
+as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a French
+sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand to
+his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution--"_Ah, mon
+bon pere, avez pitie de moi!_" when he
+
+{80}should look death in the face like a man. This brave tar saw the
+gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a blaze, his eye fixed
+on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning to shrink, waiting
+with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he was to die
+gloriously in the service of his country.
+
+Here is the head of a Spaniard, [_Shews the head._] But first I had
+better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two
+allies. Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did,
+for peace with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the
+latter end {81}of the last war, the British fleets thundering in their
+ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for the calamities
+brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was taken
+prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he asked,
+upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman,
+detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous
+people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his
+ally to persevere. _Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami_.--"Wait, my good
+friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave Don,
+"for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over
+their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession
+of madness and folly.
+
+{82}This is the head [_shews it_] of Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho
+Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great merchant at Rotterdam; who had
+amassed an immense fortune by supplying the enemies of Great Britain
+with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should die as he has lived
+by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises; and these, in the
+vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover any advantage, it
+is but breaking them, and down with friendship and honour in a bite.
+He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and principal a
+Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He looks upon
+money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring {83}the
+greatest dainty. If you would ask him what wisdom is, he'll answer
+you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence is, he'll reply, Stock: and
+should you inquire who made him, he would say, Stock; for Stock is the
+only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of his wit, his whole
+Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would judge of his
+conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His conduct
+to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by Hogarth's Paul
+before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian angel, Conscience,
+has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the devil, taking
+advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which the apostle
+is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted genius
+has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has received
+blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as her
+dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean.
+
+When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their
+characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to
+inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There
+is a noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to
+{84}behold illustrious actions with wonder and delight, but kindles also
+a desire of attaining the same degree of excellence. The Romans, who
+well knew this principle in human nature, decreed triumphs to their
+generals, erected obelisks and statues in commemoration of their
+victories; and to this day the cabinet of the antiquarian preserves
+records of the victories of a Germanicus, the generosity of a Titus, or
+the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then should not England adopt
+the practice of the Romans, a people who reached the highest pinnacle of
+military glory? It is true that some of our great generals have marble
+monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not the living enjoy
+the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to have their
+victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it be when
+men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will then
+sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British Hero; a
+title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent valour of
+the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool intrepidity of
+the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of a Soldier
+and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. His mind
+active and {85}vigorous, burning with the thirst of honour, flew to
+posts of danger with a rapidity which gave tenfold value to his military
+exertions, and rendered his onsets terrible as resistless. No expedition
+appeared to him either difficult or impracticable that was to be
+undertaken for the good of the cause he had embarked in. Fortune too
+seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved his life in many
+actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm without shewing
+an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was exposed, he has
+still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his country. As he
+is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to be expected
+from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and fame. And
+oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had resembled
+Tableton!
+
+END OF PART IV.
+
+
+
+
+PART V.
+
+{86}We shall now return to the law, for our laws are full of returns,
+and we we shall shew a compendium of law [_takes the wig_]; parts of
+practice in the twist of the tail.--The depth of a full bottom denotes
+the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif behind, like a
+blistering plaister, seems to shew us that law is a great irritator, and
+only to be used in cases of necessity.
+
+We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for,
+like a poor periwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the
+same block.
+
+[_Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay._]
+
+{87}Law is law, law is law, and as in such and so forth, and hereby, and
+aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a
+country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law
+is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it.
+It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is
+like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is like a scolding
+wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are
+bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are
+glad when they get out of it.
+
+{88}We shall now mention a cause, called "Bullum _versus_ Boatum:" it
+was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows.
+
+There were two farmers; farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or
+possessed of a bull: farmer B was possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the
+owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore,
+with a piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, _vulgo
+vocato_, a hay-band.
+
+After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very
+natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A's
+bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to
+look for a dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying-out,
+some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into
+the ferry-boat: he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal,
+fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings,
+floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock;
+beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard;
+whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat,
+for running away with the bull. The owner of the boat brought his action
+against the bull for running away with the {89} boat. And thus notice of
+trial was given, Bullum _versus_ Boatum, Boatum _versus_ Bullum.
+
+Now the Counsel for the bull began with saying, "My Lord, and you
+gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are
+indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my Lord, we have heard
+of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my Lord, the
+bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be
+said to run away with the horses; therefore, my Lord, how can we punish
+what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can
+we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on
+what is not thinkable? Therefore, my {90}Lord, as we are counsel in this
+cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the
+jury would be guilty of a bull."
+
+The counsel for the boat observed that the bull should be nonsuited,
+because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of;
+for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel.--"My Lord, if
+the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was
+not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I over-ruled this
+motion myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is
+no colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their
+heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing.
+This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both
+bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river
+carried them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the
+tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat
+had a good action against the water-bailiff.
+
+My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse,
+this point of law arose, How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and
+what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the {91}boat was not a
+_compos mentis_ evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point
+was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring that, for his client, he
+would swear any thing.
+
+The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original
+record in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that
+they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb.
+The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows. "_Aquae bailiffi est
+magistrates in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et
+scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus
+reveris lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni,
+whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus_;" that is, not turbots alone, but
+turbots and soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the law;
+the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by
+addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to
+avoid quibbling; but, it being proved that they were carried away
+neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon
+the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of
+the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin
+again, _de novo_.
+
+{92}This is one of those many thousand Heads [_takes the head_] who
+swarm in and about London, whose times and minds are divided between
+the affairs of state and the affairs of a kitchen. He was anxious after
+venison and politics; he believed every cook to be a great genius; and
+to know how to dress a turtle comprehended all the arts and sciences
+together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to read about battles;
+and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be knock'd on the
+head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He read every
+political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the question, and
+was always on his side whom he read last.
+
+{93}And then he'd come home in a good or ill temper and call for his
+night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for some neighbours to sit
+with him, and talk politics together. [_Puts on a cap, and takes the
+pipes and sits down._]
+
+"How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are
+hard times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of
+venison without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we
+should have warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper.
+Ay, ay; I think I know a thing or two; I think I do, that's all. But,
+Lord, what signifies what one knows? they don't mind me! You know I
+{94}mentioned at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the
+company took me up, and said, 'What signifies America, when we are all
+in a merry cue?' So they all fell a laughing. Now there's Commons made
+Lords, and there's Lords made the Lord knows what; but that's nothing to
+us; they make us pay our taxes; they take care of that; ay, ay, ay, they
+are sure of that. Pray what have they done for these twenty years last
+past?--Why, nothing at all; they have only made a few turnpike roads,
+and kept the partridges alive till September; that's all they have done,
+for the good of their country. There were some great people formerly,
+that lov'd their country, that did every thing for the good of their
+country; there were your Alexander the Great--he lov'd his country,
+and Julius Caesar lov'd his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his
+country, and Queen Semiramis, she lov'd her country more than any of
+'em, for she invented solomon-gundy; that's the best eating in the whole
+world. Now I'll shew you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive.--We'll
+suppose this drop of punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very
+well. These pieces of cork to be our men of war; very well. Now where
+shall I raise my fortifications? I wish I had Mr. Major {95}Moncrieff
+here; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification. Oh! I
+have it. [_Breaks the pipes._] We'll suppose them to be all the strong
+fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort,
+Bergen op Zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all
+over the world. Now I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats,
+and all our foot-infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd
+cross the sea before you could say Jack Robinson. And where
+do you think they should land, Mr. Costive? whisper me that.
+Ha!--What?--When?--How?--You don't know.--How should you!--Was you ever
+in Germany or Bohemia?--Now, I have; I understands jography. Now they
+should land in America, under the line, close to the south pole; there
+they should land every mother's babe of 'em. Then there's the Catabaws,
+and there's the Catawaws; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs
+and rees; they are the four great nations. Then I takes my Catabaws all
+across the continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to
+the Mediterranean. You know where the Mediterranean is?--No, you
+know nothing; I'll tell you; the Mediterranean is the metropolis of
+Constantinople. Then I'd send a fleet to blockade {96}Paris till the
+French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for General
+Clinton and Colonel Tarleton; and--Where was I, Mr. Costive; with
+Tarleton;--Thank ye--so I was; but you are so dull, Mr Costive, you put
+me out. Now I'll explain the whole affair to you; you shan't miss a word
+of it. Now there is the king of Prussia and the empress of Russia,
+and the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in
+the Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the Cham
+of Tartary's back setlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a
+_circumbendibus_, and retakes all the islands, Rhode Island and all; and
+takes 'em _here_ and _there_, and _there_ and _here_, and _every where_.
+There is the whole affair explained at once to you."
+
+This is the head of a Proud Man: all heads in that predicament are
+unsound. This man was rich; and as wealth is a certain hot-bed to raise
+flatterers, he had enough of them; they told him he was every thing; he
+believed them, and always spoke in the first person, saying, I, I,
+I--I will have it so; I know it;--I, I--which puts one in mind of a
+school-boy toning out before his mistress's knees, I by itself I. Yet
+there is one piece of pride which may be thought excusable; and {97}that
+is, that honest exultation of heart which every public performer feels
+from the approbation of his auditors; gratefully does he acknowledge
+their indulgence, and with sincerity declares that the utmost exertion
+of his abilities can never equal the favour of the public.
+
+By way of Epilogue, here are two wigs. [_Takes two wigs._] This is
+called the full-buckled bob, and carries a consequentially along with
+it: it is worn by those people who frequent city feasts, and gorge
+themselves at a Lord-Mayor's-show dinner; and, with one of these wigs
+on, their double chins rested upon their breasts, and their shoulders
+up, they seem as if they had eaten themselves into a {98}state of
+indigestion, or else had bumpered themselves out of breath with bottled
+beer. [_Puts on the wig._] "Waiter! bring me a ladleful of soup. You
+dog, don't take off that haunch of venison yet!--Bring me the lamb, a
+glass of currant jelly, and a clean plate. A hob-nob, sir." "With all
+my heart." "Two bumpers of Madeira!--Love, health, and ready rhino, to
+all the friends that you and I know."--On the contrary, these lank looks
+form the half-famished face. [_Puts on the Methodist hair, and takes the
+tub._]
+
+The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mammon eats up all your
+upper leathers, and we are all become sad soals. Brethren, (the word
+brethren comes from the tabernacle, because we {99}all breathe therein),
+if you are drowsy I'll rouse you, I'll beat a tattoo upon the parchment
+case of your conscience, and I'll whisk the devil like a whirligig among
+you. Now let me ask you a question seriously. Did you ever see any body
+eat any hasty-pudding? What faces they make when it scalds their mouths!
+Phoo, phoo, phoo! What faces will you all make when old Nick nicks you?
+Now unto a bowl of punch I compare matrimony; there's the sweet part of
+it, which is the honey-moon: then there's the largest part of it, that's
+the most insipid, that comes after, and that's the water; then there's
+the strong spirits, that's the husband; then there's the sour spirit,
+that's the wife. But you don't mind me, no more than a dead horse does
+a pair of spectacles; if you did, the sweet words which I utter would be
+like a treacle posset to your palates. Do you know how many taylors
+make a man?--Why nine. How many half a man?--Why four journeymen and an
+apprentice. So have you all been bound 'prentices to madam Faddle, the
+fashion-maker; ye have served your times out, and now you set up for
+yourselves. My bowels and my small guts groan for you; as the cat on the
+house-top is caterwauling, so from the top of my voice will I {100}be
+bawling. Put--put some money in the plate, then your abomination shall
+be scalded off like bristles from the hog's back, and ye shall be
+scalped of them all as easily as I pull off this periwig.
+
+My attempt you have heard to succeed the projector, And I tremblingly
+wait your award of this lecture; No merits I plead, but what's fit for
+my station, And that is the merit of your approbation. And, since for
+mere mirth I exhibit this plan, Condemn, if you please--but excuse, if
+you can.
+
+END OF THE LECTURE,
+
+
+
+
+AN ESSAY ON SATIRE.
+
+{101}The vice and folly which overspread human nature first created
+the satirist. We should not, therefore, attribute his severity to a
+malignity of disposition, but to an exquisite sense of propriety, an
+honest indignation of depravity, and a generous desire to reform the
+degenerated manners of his fellow-creatures. This has been the cause
+of Aristophanes censuring the pedantry and superstition of Socrates;
+Horace, Persius, Martial, and Juvenal, the luxury and profligacy of the
+Romans; Boileau and Moliere the levity and refinement of the French;
+Cervantes the romantic pride and madness of the Spanish; and Dorset,
+Gldharn, Swift, Addison, Churchill, Stevens, and Foote, the variety
+of vice, folly, and luxury, which we have imported from our extensive
+commerce and intercourse with other nations. We should, consequently,
+reverse the satirist and correct ourselves.
+
+{102}We should not avoid him as the detecter, but as the friendly
+monitor. If he speaks severe truths, we should condemn our own conduct
+which gives him the power.
+
+It has frequently been observed, that the satirist has proved more
+beneficial to the correction of a state than the divine or legislator.
+Indeed he seems to have been created with peculiar penetrative
+faculties, and integrity of disposition, and a happy genius to display
+the enormity of the features, while it corrects the corrupt exercise
+of our vices. The legislator may frame laws sufficiently wise and
+judicious, to check and control villany, without the power of impeding
+the progress of vice and folly, while they are kept within the limits of
+only injuring ourselves. For law has no power to punish us for the vices
+which debilitate our constitution, destroy our substance, or degrade our
+character.
+
+Nor can religion entirely extirpate vice, no more than she can even
+control folly. Her two principles, alluring to virtue by promise of
+reward, and dissuading from vice by threats of punishment, extend their
+influence no farther than on those whose dispositions are susceptible
+of their impressions. So that we find numbers among {103}mankind whose
+conduct and opinions are beyond her power. The atheist, who disbelieves
+a future existence, is not likely to check the exercise of his favourite
+vicious habits for any hope of reward or dread of punishment; and the
+debauchee, who, though he may not deny the truth of her tenets, yet is
+too much absorbed in his pleasures, to listen to her precepts, or regard
+her examples. Besides, there are many so weak in their resolution as
+not to be capable of breaking the fetters of habit and prepossession,
+although they are, at the same time, sensible of their destructive
+consequences. It is, therefore, that nature has implanted in us a sense
+which tends to correct our disposition, where law and religion are seen
+to have no power. This sense is a desire of public estimation, which not
+only tends to give mankind perfection in every art and science, but also
+to render our personal character respectable. It is this susceptibility
+of shame and infamy which gives satire its efficiency.
+
+Without this sense of ourselves, the scourge would lose its power of
+chastisement. We should receive the lashes without a sense of their
+pain; and without the sense of their pain we would never amend from this
+affliction. From the desire of {104}being approved and noticed,
+arises every effort which constitutes the variety of employments and
+excellencies the world possesses. It actuates the prince and the beggar,
+the peasant and the politician, the labourer and the scholar, the
+mechanic and the soldier, the player and the divine. In a word, there
+is not an individual in the community whose conduct is not influenced by
+its dictates. It is, therefore, not surprising that mankind should be
+so impressive to the power of satire, whose object is to describe their
+vices and follies, for the finger of public infamy to point at their
+deformities and delinquencies. Thus, where law cannot extend its awe
+and authority, satire wields the scourge of disgrace; and where religion
+cannot convince the atheist, attract the attention of the debauchee, or
+reform those who are subject to the power of habit and fashion, satire
+affords effectually her assistance. Satire reforms the drunkard, by
+exposing to the view of himself and the world the brutality of his
+actions and person when under the influence of intoxication. Satire
+reforms, likewise, the inordinate actions of those who are not awed by
+the belief of future reward and punishment, by exposing them to infamy
+during their present {105}existence. And those who are subject to the
+dominion of depraved habits satire awakens to a practice of reformation,
+from the poignant sense of being the derision and contempt of all their
+connexions; for there is no incentive so powerful to abandon pernicious
+customs as the sense of present and future disgrace. We may, therefore,
+conclude, that nothing tends so much to correct vice and folly as this
+species of public censure. Having thus made some observations on the
+general utility and necessity of satire, we shall proceed to examine
+which of its species is the most likely to be effective.
+
+The most remarkable species of satire are, the narrative, dramatic, and
+picturesque; which have also their separate species peculiar to each.
+The narrative contains those that either reprove with a smile or a
+frown, by pourtraying the characteristics of an individual, or the
+general manners of a society, people, or nation; and are either
+described in verse or prose. The dramatic contains perfect resemblance,
+which is described by comedy; or caricature, which is described by
+farce. And the picturesque is what exercises the painter, engraver,
+and sculptor. In all these species the satirist may either divert by
+his humour, entertain by his wit, or torture by his severity. Each mode
+{106}has its advocates. But we think that the mode should be adapted to
+the nature of the vice or folly which demands correction. If the vice be
+of an atrocious nature, it certainly requires that the satire be severe.
+If it be of a nature that arises more from a weakness of mind than
+depravity of feeling, we think it should be chastised by the lively
+and pointed sarcasms of wit; and, if the failing be merely a folly,
+it should only be the subject of humorous ridicule. With respect
+to determining which species of satire is the most preferable, the
+narrative of Horace and Juvenal, the dramatic of Aristophanes and Foote,
+or the picturesque of Hogarth and Stevens; we can best form our
+opinion from comparing their different defects and excellencies. As
+the narrative is merely a description of manners, it is devoid of that
+imitation of passion and character which gives effect to the dramatic.
+But, as the language is more pointed, more energetic, and more elegant,
+it certainly must impress the reader more deeply. The dramatic,
+therefore, while it is calculated to affect more the spectator, is
+inferior to the narrative in the closet. The picturesque is more
+defective than either of the two former. It has only power to describe
+the action of an instant, and {107}this without the assistance of
+reflection, observation, and sentiment, which they derive from their
+verbal expression.
+
+We may, consequently, perceive that each species has defects to which
+others are not liable, and excellencies which the others do not possess.
+
+Thus it is evident that a species of satire, which could blend all the
+advantages of all the three, can only be that which is adequate to the
+idea of perfect satire. This kind of satire is the Lecture on Heads.
+We cannot, therefore, be surprised that it should have been the most
+popular exhibition of the age. The heads and their dresses composed the
+picturesque: the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer,
+composed the dramatic; and the lively description of manners, the
+judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, composed the
+narrative. Thus did the genius of its author invent a species of
+entertainment which possessed excellencies that counterbalanced the
+defects of all other satirists, produced from the age of Aristophanes,
+who flourished four hundred and seven years before the Christian era,
+until his own time.
+
+Having thus enforced the utility of satire in general, and specified the
+defects and properties of {108}its particular kinds, we shall proceed to
+make a few observations on the peculiar merit of the Lecture on Heads.
+We have already seen that it possesses every quality of all other
+satires in itself: it only, therefore, remains to consider its wit,
+humour, character, and apparatus; which are its essensial properties.
+The wit of this Lecture is as various as the subjects which it
+satirises. Its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts while it
+chastises, and its pertinency always adorns the sentiment or observation
+it would illustrate. The variety of its species always entertains, but
+never satiates. Even puns please, from the aptness and pleasantry of
+their conceits. His wit is so predominant, that, if we may be allowed
+the expression, it is discovered in his silence. A most striking example
+of this is where he uses the rhetorical figure called the Aposiopesis,
+or suppression, in displaying the head of a prostitute: he introduces
+it with saying, "This is the head of a woman of the town, or a ------;
+but, whatever other title the lady may have, we are not entitled here to
+take notice of it." Nothing can be more delicate than this suppression:
+it displays a tenderness and liberality to the frailty of female nature,
+which does as much credit to his feelings as to his genius.
+
+{109}We know not a more happy instance of giving expression to silence,
+or giving an idea without verbal assistance, than is contained in the
+above character.
+
+The humour of this Lecture is grotesque, lively, and delicate; it
+varies its form with the character it ridicules. Nothing can surpass the
+humorous whimsicality of his situations and expressions; for they please
+as much from the fanciful manner in which he places the ridiculous to
+our view, as from the resemblance with which he so naturally describes
+the prototype. His description of a London Blood cannot fail to excite
+laughter in the features of the greatest cynic. The natural propensity
+which mankind has to laugh at mischief never was more happily gratified
+than from his describing this character _pushing a blind horse into a
+china-shop_. Had he chosen any other animal, the effect would not have
+been so great on his audience. If it had been an ass, it would have
+been attended with an idea of the obstinacy and the reluctance of this
+animal, which would have suggested its being too difficult; it would
+not, therefore, have excited, in any manner, the risible faculty. Had
+it been an ox, it would have {110}connected with it the idea of too much
+fury and devastation to entertain with the picture. But choosing a blind
+horse, who, from his loss of sight and natural docility, may be
+easily supposed to be led into such a situation; the mind adopts the
+credibility, and enjoys the whimsical and mischievous consequence, while
+it condemns the folly and puerility of the Blood who occasioned it.
+It is this peculiar faculty of choice of subjects, situation, and
+assemblage, which constitutes the excellence of a humorist, which
+Stevens possessed in a most eminent degree; for he displays it in almost
+every line of his Lecture. Indeed, in this art we know of none superior
+to him, except it be Shakespeare in some of his comedies, which are
+inimitable in every thing which relates to the _vis comica_. With
+respect to the characters of this Lecture, they are such as will be
+found to exist with human nature; except a few, who are described as
+the devotees to particular fashions; and such will always be found while
+vanity, luxury, and dissipation, exist in society. Therefore, from this
+universality of character, his Lecture will ever be worthy the
+perusal of every person who would wish to avoid being contemptible or
+ridiculous: for {111}there is no person but may be liable to some vice
+or folly, which he will find exposed by this masterly, pleasant, and
+original, satirist.
+
+His characters compose every part of the community. The old and young,
+rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those
+of every learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of his
+whimsical, yet judicious and pertinent, censure.
+
+Having thus made some general remarks on the wit, humour, and character,
+of this Lecture, it only remains for us to say a few words on its
+apparatus. This was merely the picturesque part of the satire, which
+gave that effect to the _tout ensemble_, which it would not otherwise
+have produced as a representation. It was by this appendage that Mr.
+Stevens was enabled to afford entertainment for nearly three hours
+without a change of person, although he changed his appearance. The
+apparatus was not only an ornament, but a visible illustration of what
+would otherwise have been only mental. It was, therefore, indispensable
+as a stage exhibition; for, to entertain an audience, the sight must be
+exercised as well as the mind. It is necessary to prevent languor, which
+will always be the consequence where reflection is {112}more exerted
+than sensation. Thus, in every public exhibition, the senses of hearing
+and seeing should be gratified in every manner that is consistent with
+the nature of what is produced for the observation of the mind. But
+although this apparatus was necessary as a representation, it may be
+dispensed with as a closet satire: for, not being confined to read two
+or three hours, we can shut the book whenever it becomes uninteresting,
+which we cannot at a public lecture. We are then confined to one place
+and one object during its performance. It is this which renders every
+lecture, that is not accompanied by some apparatus, so tiresome to the
+auditor. We, therefore, read such lectures as are upon literary Subjects
+with more pleasure than we hear them delivered. But lectures on anatomy,
+experimental philosophy, astronomy, and every other that admits of
+apparatus, we hear and see with much more pleasure and improvement than
+when we read them. In regard to the Lecture on Heads, as the apparatus
+is not necessary to make the reader comprehend the force and meaning of
+the satire more than he can from the words themselves, we make no doubt
+but its perusal will afford such pleasure as to increase its estimation,
+if possible, {113}with the public. From a more close attention they will
+discover beauties of wit, humour, character, and imitation, that were
+not perceived during its representation: for the minds of an audience
+are very susceptible of being diverted from attending to what is
+represented before them.
+
+The company whom they are with, or the attractions of others whom they
+see among an audience, frequently suspend the attention while it loses
+the greatest beauties of the performance. But, when we are reading a
+performance in our closet, whatever is capable of pleasing from its
+novelty, propriety, or excellence, is not liable to be lost from any
+obstruction or interference by other objects.
+
+Consciousness, therefore, of the entertainment this Lecture will afford
+to the reader, as well as the auditor and spectator, is the chief
+inducement of submitting it thus, in its only original state, for his
+approbation.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens
+
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