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diff --git a/21822-8.txt b/21822-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..962457c --- /dev/null +++ b/21822-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2300 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Lecture On Heads + As Delivered By Mr. Charles Lee Lewes, To Which Is Added, + An Essay On Satire, With Forty-Seven Heads By Nesbit, From + Designs By Thurston, 1812 + +Author: Geo. Alex. Stevens + +Commentator: Pilon + +Illustrator: Thurston and Nesbit + +Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21822] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +A LECTURE ON HEADS + +By Geo. Alex. Stevens + +WITH ADDITIONS, + +By Mr. Pilon + +AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles Lee Lewes. + +TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. + +WITH FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston. + +1812. + + +[Transcriber's Note: Numbers in the text within curly brackets are page +numbers.] + + +ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC. + +There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture, +it is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in +which they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much +they have been imposed upon by the different publishers. + +When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was +published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different +from the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too +contemptible to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from +commencing any legal process against the {VI}publisher for thus +trespassing on his right and property. + +Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary +success in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that +success, in almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During +this itinerant stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions +and improvements from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard, +Shuter, and many other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It +therefore re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This, +I suppose, induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his +edition, with notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might +be, Mr. Stevens obtained an injunction against the continuance of +that publication; he was dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the +interposition of friends, who persuaded the litigants, over a bottle, +to terminate their difference; Mr. Stevens withdrew his action, and +the publication was suppressed. I relate this circumstance from {VII}the +authority of Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be +surprised to find that this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by +one who is now complaining of a similar act against himself. I am no +advocate for any infringements of right or property; but I cannot avoid +thinking, that complaints of this nature come with a very ill grace +from those who have committed the same species of literary depredations +themselves. The last piratical publication of this Lecture was by a +stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has had the assurance to use my name +without having my authority, or even asking my permission. He likewise +very falsely and impudently asserts, that he has published it as I +spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so much the contrary, that +it contains not a syllable of the new matter with which it was then +augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from the spurious and +very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this piratical list. It is, +therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was never before published +until this opportunity {VIII}which I have taken of thus submitting it to +the Public, for their approbation and patronage, whose + +Most humble and devoted servant + +I am, + +CHARLES LEE LEWES. + +July 22, 1785. + + + + +PROLOGUE, + +Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June +24, 1780. + + All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout + A few doors lower burnt the quorum out. + Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot, + And justice cannot keep the parish quiet. + But peace returning, like the dove appears, + And this association stills my fears; + Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread, + And we give harmless Lectures on the Head. + Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes, + And snore away the hours within their boxes; + Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning, + Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning. + Mynheer demanded, at the general shock, + "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?" + "Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob, + "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."-- + "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies, + "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies: + "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge, + "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."-- + "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear + "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square + "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say, + "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day." + Tumult and riot thus on every side + Swept off fair order like the raging tide; + Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by, + "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry. + And he, rever'd by every muse so long, + Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song, + Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name, + Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame; + With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire, + And rolls of science in one blaze expire. + But England, like the lion, grows more fierce + As dangers multiply, and foes increase; + Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm, + In martial bands to shield their country arm, + And when we trembled for the city's fate, + Her youth stood forth the champions of the state; + Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie, + A parent land to save, or bravely die. + Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join, + In vain to crush them would the world combine; + Discord domestic would no more be known, + And brothers learn affection from the throne. + But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come + When you must bid him live, or seal his doom! + He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill + Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill. + The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail, + Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail + Who no commander ever disobey'd, + Or overlook'd the signals which he made. + Under your auspices the field I take, + For a young general some allowance make; + But if disgracefully my army's led, + Let this court-martial then cashier my head. + + +ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE, + +Spoken At Newbury, + +In Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture, + + Who Had Published + Some Lines On Dreaming + She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet. + + Written By Mr. Pratt. + + 'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart, + The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart; + Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew, + And with it every grace and muse withdrew. + But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam, + For wit and taste soon brought the truant home! + One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung, + Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung; + Thither it went, the virtues in its train, + To hail the panting blessing back again. + On its fair throne it now appears as Queen, + And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene; + Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread + The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled. + Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here; + Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there: + In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor, + It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door, + And smiles, with him, that riot is no more. + + + + +LECTURE ON HEADS. + + + + +PART I. + +{1}Every single speaker, who, like me, attempts to entertain an +audience, has not only the censure of that assembly to dread, but also +every part of his own behaviour to fear. The smallest error of voice, +judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that can be presumed upon in +his favour is, _a hope_ that he may meet with that indulgence which +an English audience are so remarkable _for_, and that every exhibition +stands so much in need _of_." + +This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of +Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the +place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they +have always, since that time, been called _curtain lectures_. + +{2}But, before I pretend to make free with other people's heads, it may +be proper to say something upon my own, if upon my own any thing could +be said to the purpose; but, after many experiments, finding I could not +make any thing of my own, I have taken the liberty to try what I could +do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads belonging to other people. But +here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I confess I have more than once +wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my poor abilities will bring +a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius erected a temple to +Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and from their union +sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the head of George +Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man universally +acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who gave +peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with +flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies; +he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the +highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now, +blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to +acquire in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now +enjoys that ease his talents {3}have earned, whilst Fame, like an +evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful beams. +With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his place, +and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of +conscious inferiority. + +A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere _bulbous +excrescence_, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is +supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the +hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon. + +Some of these heads are manufactured in _wood_, some in _pasteboard_; +which is a hint to shew there may not only be _block-heads_, but also +_paper-skulls_. + +{4}Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits +fly up into the _head_, and the blood rushes violently back to the +_heart_. Hence it is, politicians compare the human constitution and +the nation's constitution together: they supposing the head to be the +_court_ end of the town, and the heart the _country_; for people in the +country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court seem to +wish to be at the head of things. + +We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes +they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look +upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike. +Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise +they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks: +as, for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to +themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [_Here take +them off._] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering +with a foolish face of praise, [_make a face here_]; some laughing, +some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least +alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning _up_ the +muscles to laugh [_do so here_], and _down_ to cry. + +{5}Yet laughter is much mistook, no person being capable of laughing, +who is incapable of thinking. For some people suddenly break out into +violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any gradation, change +at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[_Here shews the +example._] + +In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [_Shews the +head. _] + +This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering, +tip-toe, tripping animalculæ of the times, that flutter about fine women +like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their +shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch +equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer +{6}such things about them, as they wear soufflée gauze, not as things of +value, but merely to make a shew with: they never say any thing to the +purpose; but with this in their hands [_takes up an eye-glass_] they +stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ +of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they imagine themselves possessed +of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a +look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their +arms.--"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish fine woman, 'pon honour, +an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She must be one of us; she +must be comeatable, 'pon honour."--"No, Sir," replies a stranger, that +overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."--"Is she so? I'll look +at her again--ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I +look at her again, there is something devilish un-genteel about her." + +{7}_Wigs_, as well as _books_, are furniture for the head, and both +_wigs_ and _books_ are sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore +suppose this wig [_shews a large wig_] to be a huge quarto in large +paper; this is a duodecimo in small print [_takes the knowing head_]; +and this a jockey's head, sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [_Takes +the jockey's head._] Now a jockey's head and a horse's head have great +affinity, for the jockey's head can pull the horse's head on which side +of the post the rider pleases: but what sort of heads must those people +have who know such things are done, and will trust such sinking +funds with their capitals? These are a couple of heads which, in the +{8}Sportsman's Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a +great many people about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they +dress themselves in these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity +of ahead, to shew they have taken their degrees from students in the +stable, up to the masters of arts, upon a coach-box. [_ Gives the two +heads off, and takes the book-case._] + +The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up +wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a +parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A +student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law +books cut from a _whipping-post_; physical dictionaries may be had in +_Jesuits' bark_; a treatise upon duels in _touchwood_; the history +of opposition in _wormwood_; Shakespeare's works in _cedar_, his +commentators in _rotten wood_; the reviewers in birch, and the history +of England in _heart of oak_. + +Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and +militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their +own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece +of broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have +{9}borrowed their education from these libraries, and have wooden, very +wooden tastes indeed. [_ Gives it off._] + +Here's a head full charged for _fun_ [_takes the head_], a comical +half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, and what +a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man always +laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must +always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was +always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do +you call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now +be comical a little." But if there is no {10}other person will speak, he +will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die with laughing," and +he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most comicallest story +that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he always interlards +his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so as he was +a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me +again;----did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your born +days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any person +even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he puts +on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says, +"It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so, +that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [_Puts on a foolish look, and gives +the head off._] + +{11}Here is Master Jacky [_takes the head_], mamma's darling; when she +was with child of him she dreamt she was brought to bed of a pincushion. +He was never suffered to look into a book for fear of making him +round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that; his mamma's +woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could calculate to a +single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a codlin tart. He +wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's tucker, and +placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no other use +of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly such a +character in view by his _dulcissime rerum_--"sweetest of all things;" +all essence and effeminacy; {12}and that line of his--_Quid Agis, +dulcissime rerum?_ may be rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As +they have rivalled the ladies in the delicacy of their complexion, the +ladies therefore have a right to make reprisals, and to take up that +manliness which our sex seems to have cast off. + +Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [_Takes up the head._] She +looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day +to follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the +morning, with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion +covered with milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley +water. This does honour to creation; this {13}disgraces it. And so far +have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate affections, that, +if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might be taken for +Miss Jenny [_puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky_]; therefore +grammarians can neither rank them as _masculine_ or _feminine_, so set +them down of the _doubtful_ gender. [_Puts off the heads._] + +Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds, +some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish +clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the +honest fellow is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is +singing-master, who is to keep the company alive for four or five hours; +then your honest fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They +married into Folly's family, from whom they received this crest, and +which nobody chooses to be known by. [_ Takes up the fool's cap._] + +{14}This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer known; it never comes +home to any body, and is often observed to belong to every body but +themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term nothing, +although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made such +use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing, +and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to +twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are +very apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty +to fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are +very careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what +all our thinking comes to; and then, {15}what between our losses and our +gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with the addition of +old age, we can but strike this balance [_Takes the board with +cyphers_]--These are a number of nothings, they are hieroglyphics of +part of human kind; for in life, as well as in arithmetic, there are +a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers, mean nothing in +themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the addition of a +single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in an instant. +The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into something by +the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [_Turns the +board, shews the golden one._] But, as these persons' gains come from +nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they +who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they +have nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have +done nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus +concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he +has properly executed, by making nothing of it. + +{16}This is the head of a London Blood, taken from the life. [_Holds the +head up._] He wears a bull's forehead for a fore-top, in commemoration +of that great blood of antiquity, called Jupiter, who turned himself +into a bull to run away with Europa: and to this day bloods are +very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined that all mirth +consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a waiter out of +the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a beggar in +a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against a wall, +hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round the +room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty." + +{17}He was quite the thing, either for kicking up a riot, or keeping +it up after he had kicked it up: he was quite the thing, for one day he +kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about the streets: another time he +shoved a blind horse into a china shop--_that was damned jolly_: he was +a constant customer to the round house: a terror to modest women, and a +dupe to the women of the town; of which this is exhibited as a portrait. +[_ Take the head._] This is the head of a Man of the Town, or a Blood; +and this of a Woman of the Town, or a ------; but whatever other title +the lady may have, we are not entitled to take notice of it; all that we +can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one {18}moment to Pity; let not +delicacy be offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these +unhappy examples of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular +festivity, indiscretion appears thus--[_takes off that, shews the +other:_] but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore +ought common opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that +betrays female honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty +is robbed, the hue and cry which is raised, is never raised in her +favour; deceived by ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue +criminal, she is ruined by our sex, and prevented reformation by the +reproaches of her own. [_Takes it off._] As this is the head of a Blood +going to keep it up [_takes it off_], here is the head of a Blood after +he has kept it up. [_Shews that head._] This is the head of a married +Blood--what a pretty piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of +delicacy's bed-chamber: What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with +a bumper in his hand, to think of a wife: that would be spoiling his +sentiment: no, he is to keep it up, and to shew in what manner our +London Bloods do keep it up. We shall conclude the first part of this +lecture by attempting a specimen--[_puts on the Blood's wig_]: "Keep it +up, huzza! {19}keep it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father +last April day. I will tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping +it up, faith, so about four o'clock this morning I went down into the +kitchen, and there was Will the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire; +the dog cannot keep it up as we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly, +and takes the tongs, and I takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire, +as big as my head, and I plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I +loves fun; so it has lamed the fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You +talk of your saying good things; I said one of the best things last week +that ever any man said in all the world. It was what you call your +_rappartées_, your _bobinâtes_. I'll tell you what it was: You must +know, I was in high spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man, +for I do love fun! so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that +made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, 'Hip, master, do you want +your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind what I said to the +blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Then +says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'--Keep it up! keep it +up!--That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a +parson, I always do; and my brother he {20}is a parson too, and he hates +to hear any body swear; so I always swear when I am along with him, to +roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my +sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I +sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was half over, for I loves +fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me, and I begun to +swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my new oaths; +it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my brother +looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his knife and +fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, _Oh Tempora! +oh Mores!_---'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think to frighten me, +by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind you, nor your +family neither--Only bring Tempora and Mores here, that's all; I'll box +them for five pounds; here,--where's Tempora and Mores? where are +they?--Keep it up! keep it up!" + +END OF PART I. + + + + +PART II. + +THE FIVE SCIENCES: ARCHITECTURE, PAINTING, POETRY, MUSIC, AND +ASTRONOMY. + +{21}This is a small exhibition of pictures. These pictures are placed +here to shew the partiality of the present times. Formerly seven cities +contended for the honour of having Homer for their countryman; but as +soon as it was known these sciences were born in England, the whole club +of Connoiseurs exclaimed against them, saying, it was impossible that +there could be any real genius among them, our atmosphere being too +thick and too heavy to nourish any fine ideas. These sciences, being +found out to be mere English, were treated as impostors; for, as they +had not ft handsome wife, nor sister, to speak for them, not one single +election vote in their family, nor a shilling in their pockets to bribe +the turnpike {22}door-keeper, they could not succeed; besides, Chinese, +zig-zag, and gothic imitations, monopolized all premiums: and the envy +of prejudice, and the folly of fashion, made a party against them. They +were so weak in themselves, as to imagine the merits of their works +would recommend them to the world. Poor creatures! they knew nothing of +the world, to suppose so; for merit is the only thing in the world not +recommendable. To prevent starving, Architecture hired herself as a +brick-layer's {23}labourer to a Chinese temple-builder; Painting took on +as a colour-grinder to a paper-stainer; Poetry turned printer's devil; +Music sung ballads about the streets: and Astronomy {24}sold almanacks. +They rambled about in this manner for some time; at last, they picked +up poor Wit, who lay ill of some bruises he had received one masquerade +night. + +As poor Wit was coming down the Haymarket, just as the masquerade +was breaking up, the noise of a pickpocket was announced, upon which +Buffoonery fell upon Wit, and mangled him most piteously. Invention +stood Wit's friend, and help-ed him to make his escape to those +Sciences. Now it happened that night, Lady Fashion had lost her +lap-dog, which Wit found, and brought to these his companions, for +whom Architecture built a little house; Painting made a portrait of it: +Poetry wrote a copy of verses upon it, which Music put a tune to; and +Astronomy calculated the dear creature's nativity; which so pleased Lady +Fashion, that she recommended them to the house of Ostentation, but left +Wit behind, because as wit was out of taste, Fashion would not have +any thing to say to it. However, some of her Ladyship's upper servants +invited Wit into the steward's room, and, according to the idea some +folks have of Wit, they begged he'd be comical. One brought him a poker +to bend over his arm; another desired he would eat a little fire for 'em +before dinner; the {25}butler requested a tune upon the musical glasses; +my lady's woman desired he would tell her fortune by the cards; and the +grooms said, "as how, if his honour was a wit, he could ride upon three +horses at once." But before Wit could answer to any of these questions, +the French governess belonging to the family came down stairs, and +ordered Wit to be turned out of doors, saying, "Vat want you vid Vit, +when you are studying à la Françoise? I'll vous assurez, I'll vous +assurez, if you will have us for your masters, you must have no vit at +all." [_The sciences taken off._] + +Poor Wit being turned out of doors, wandered about friendless, for +it was never yet known that a man's wit ever gained him a friend. He +applied himself to the proprietors of the newspapers, but upon their +inquiring whether he understood politics, and being totally ignorant of +them, they would not employ him. He enquired after Friendship, but found +Friendship was drowned at the last general election; he went to find out +Hospitality, but Hospitality being invited to a turtle-feast, there was +no room for Wit; he asked after Charity, but it being found that Charity +was that day run over by a bishop's new set of coach-horses, he died +broken-hearted, being a distemper which, although {26}not catalogued in +the Materia Medica, is very epidemical among beautiful women, and men +of genius, who, having worn themselves out in making other people +happy, are at last neglected, and left to perish amid age and infirmity, +wondering how the world could be so ungrateful. + +Here is the Head of a Connoisseur. [_Takes the head._]--Though born in +this kingdom, he had travelled long enough to fall in love with every +thing foreign, and despise every thing belonging to his own country, +except himself. He pretended to be a great judge of paintings, but only +admired those done a great way off, and a great while ago; he could not +bear anything done by any of his own countrymen; and one day being in +an auction-room where {27}there was a number of capital pictures, and, +among the rest, an inimitable piece of painting of fruits and flowers, +the Connoisseur would not give his opinion of the picture until he had +examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by an Englishman, he +pulled out his eye-glass [_Takes the eyeglass,_] "O, Sir," says he, +"these English fellows have no more idea of genius than a Dutch skipper +has of dancing a cotillion; the dog has spoiled a fine piece of canvas; +he's worse than a Harp-Alley sign-post dauber; there's no keeping, +no perspective, no fore-ground;--why there now, the fellow {28}has +attempted to paint a fly upon that rose-bud, why it's no more like a fly +than I am like an a--a--." But as the connoisseur approached his finger +to the picture, the fly flew away---His eyes are half closed; this is +called the wise man's wink, and shews he can see the world with half +an eye; he had so wonderful a penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he +always could see how every thing was to be--after the affair was over. + +Then talking of the affairs of administration, he told his lordship, +that he could see how things were all along, they could not deceive him. +"I can see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the +lead, they won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme +that ever could be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme +that he found out, he discovered to the ministry as follows: + +"Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without +burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I +would have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water. +Who'll buy it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or +they never could work their boats any more: there's a {29}scheme to +pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh +tax." [_ Takes the head off._] + +Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your +worldly-wise men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes +of faith, and would have a reason given him for every thing. He +disinherited his only son because the lad could not give him a reason +why a black hen laid a white egg. He was a great materialist, and thus +he proved the infinity of matter. He told them, that all round things +were globular, all square things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is +equal to the top, and the top equal to the bottom, and the {30}bottom +and the top are equal to the four sides, _ergo_, all matter is as broad +as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove +matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter. +[_ Takes off the head._] + +We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state--in +a state of intoxication. [_Shews the head._] + +These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open +and shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an +election picture [_shews it_]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis an +interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those +we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is {31}madman's holiday, +'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day, takes to +market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being considered +as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make his +wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [_ Gives +off the picture. _] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial +insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it, +because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't +say as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve +the liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [_Gives off the head._] + +The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon +Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was +the returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her +with the golden apple. [_ Takes up the money._] Juno, on her approaching +Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with +a mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob. +Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and +if he would be her friend, she would teach him _propria quæ maribus_. +But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make {32}use of +words, gave him such a look as put her in possession of the golden +apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude to Paris, who had so well +managed the election for her, made him a present of several slices of +that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that event, such slices +have been made use of as presents at all other general elections; they +have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical wires, let a +hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be the same; +but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which is, that +though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people. + +It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the +English; nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it +will not make palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this +town to every adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase +is; no matter what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it +be a woman riding upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without +any head at all, debating upon politics and religion at Westminster +Forum: but here, let not my fair countrywomen condemn me as an +unmannerly satirist; we respect the taste and understanding, as much as +we admire {33}the beauty and delicacy of the sex; but surely no woman of +sense would suppose we meant to offend her, if we said she was the most +improper person in the world to be made a captain of horse, or a member +of parliament. + +This is the head [_takes the head_] of a Female Moderator, or President +of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a demonstration that +man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and that her sex has a +just right to participation of both with him: she would have physicians +in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French curls; then she +would have _young_ women of spirit to command our fleets and armies, and +_old_ ones to govern the state:--she pathetically laments that {34}women +are considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings, +pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough. +If this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we +may expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general +has miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment +she opened the budget. + +This is the head [_shews it_] of a Male Moderator, and president of +eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for +fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing +but those things which we {35}ought to learn: but this is a school to +teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a cobler into a Demosthenes; +make him thunder over porter, and lighten over gin, and qualify him to +speak on either side of the question in the house of commons, who has +not so much as a single vote for a member of parliament. + +Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut +and dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been +cabbaged; here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry; +here the minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be +shifted; that the king's household wants a better manager; that there is +no necessity for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set +of very bad actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge +his prompter. Some time ago, the president of this society had a great +constitutional point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the +satisfaction of the ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of +state, and with the crack of her fan opened the business of the evening; +declaring, as women had wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic +employment, she saw no reason why their knowledge should be confined to +the dress of a {36}head or the flounce of a petticoat; that government, +in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, nay more; +with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women did not +rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at least, upon +an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from the days +of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who served +in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding their +plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the +officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as +much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics," +continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a +Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy +of '_Which is the Man_,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury? +Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence +of our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior +eloquence of our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined +in general plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con. +perpetual president. + +{37}Before I put these heads on one side, I shall give a derivation of +their title. Moderator is derived from _mode_, the fashion, and _rate_, +a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies that Fashion advised these +two to lay their heads together, in order to take advantage of the +passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, and out-of-the-way +undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that should inculcate +the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, not finding his +labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according to the value he +sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an apostate from +grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his hand, instead of +a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras expresses it) +a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that place, where +nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth. + +{38}Among the many heads that have played upon the passions of the +public, this is one [_takes the head'_] that did cut a capital figure in +that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the card-playing conjuring Jew. +He could make matadores with a snap of his fingers, command the four +aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But there is a great many +people in London, besides this man, famous for playing odd tricks, and +yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made a great figure in the +law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the law is a profession +that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any longer to load our +heads with the weight of learning, or pore {39} for years over arts +and sciences, when a few months' practice with these pasteboard +pages [_takes the cards_] can make any man's fortune, without his +understanding a single letter of the alphabet, provided he can but slip +the cards, snap his fingers, and utter the unintelligible jargon of +'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' like this Jonas. The +moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of cards, he begins, +"I am no common slight-of hand man; the common slight-of-hand men, they +turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you believe their fingers +deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one card, two cards, three +cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; you look at the card +at this side, you look at the card at that side, and I say blow the +blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and now, sir, I +will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can once more +deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he do the +like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on that +side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is +shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most +practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself, +{40}and finding his slights of hand turned to little or no account, now +practises on notes of hand by discount, and is to be found every morning +at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in dirt, and at two at +the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, where these locusts +of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of interest, supply the +temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to out-wit 'em, had +they even the cunning of a... Fox! + +Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [_shews the head_], a +very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This +head may be compared to a _disoblezeance_; for there is but one seat in +it, and that is not the seat {41}of understanding: yet it is wonderful +how much more rapidly this will move in the high road of preferment than +one of your thinking, feeling, complex, English heads, in which honour, +integrity, and reason, make such a pother, that no step can be taken +without consulting them. This head, if I may be allowed to speak with +an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his _feats_: but the last +_fète_ he attempted proved his _defeat_; for, in springing too high, he +got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for ever, and which none +but a foreigner's head could recover. + +Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the +houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust +from their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the +following picture--[_The picture brought, and he goes before it._] + +{42}Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer, maintained by us in all the +luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground a maimed soldier and +sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the insolence of the +opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with the gallant +Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of Minden. +Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg--would it not +be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to stand +on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to +sing to us for {43}the trifling sum of fifteen hundred or two thousand +guineas yearly, in return for such their condescension, we cannot do too +much for them, and that is the reason why we do so little for our own +people. This is the way we reward those who only bring folly into the +country, and the other is the way, and the only way, with which we +reward our deliverers. [_The picture taken off._] Among the number of +exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment, the head of an +opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been exhibited, +could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for that +exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head +for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this +assembly do me the honour to accept it. [_Takes up the music-frame and +book._] + +Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical +scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We +must suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a +stranger to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And +the want of wit made up by making of faces. + +{44}[_Changes wigs and sits down._] Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso, +English be dumb, your language is but so so; + + Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte, + Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirty + Mon charmant, prenez guarda, + Mind what your signior begs, + Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda, + You may rub my shirt to rags. + Vile you make the water hotter-- + Uno solo I compose. + Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter, + And de little petty toes; + De petty toes are little feet, + De little feet not big, + Great feet belong to de grunting hog, + De petty toes to de little pig. + Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea, + Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a. + Ma bella dolce sogno, + Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono, + And a little slice + Of bread and butter nice. + A bravo bread, and butter + Bravissimo-----------imo. + +END OF PART II. + + + + +PART III. + +[_Discovers two ladies on the table._] {45}In spite of all the sneers, +prints, and paragraphs, that have been published to render the ladies' +headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a fine woman to lead +the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to find fault with +it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of rendering the ladies +ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich dressed lady +without elegance.--Here is an elegant dressed lady without riches; +for riches can no more give grace than they can beget understanding. A +multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can never +distinguish the gentlewoman. [_Gives off the delicate lady._] This is a +representation of those misled ladies whose families having gained +great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of their +ancestors, {46}and turn up their nose at every thing mechanical, and +call it _wulgar_. They are continually thrusting themselves among the +nobility, to have it said they keep quality company, and for that empty +qualification expose themselves to all the tortures of ill treatment; +because it is a frolic for persons of rank to mortify such their +imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity at second-hand, +and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of beauty, by not +having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in a labyrinth +of fashionable intricacies. [_Gives the head off. Takes the head of +Cleopatra._] + +Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of +antiquity, called Cleopatra, {47}This is the way the ladies of antiquity +used to dress their heads in a morning. [_Gives the head off._] And this +is the way the ladies at present dress their heads in a morning. [_Takes +the head._] A lady in this dress seems hooded like a hawk, with a +blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One would imagine this fashion +had been invented by some surly duenna, or ill-natured guardian, on +purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or the other; and that may +be the reason why now every young lady chooses to look forward. As the +world is round, every thing turns round along with it; no wonder there +should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses. This was in fashion +two or three years past; this is the fashion of last year [_takes a head +up_]; and this the morning headdress [_takes the head_] of this present +_anno domini_. These are the winkers, and these are the blinkers. +But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be treated with the utmost +delicacy, all we can say of these three heads, thus hoodwinked, is, that +they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus muffled, have a mind to +play at blindman's buff together. [_Gives the heads off._] + +{48}We shall now exhibit the head of An Old Maid. [_Takes the head._] +This is called antiquated virginity; it is a period when elderly +unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes about in +leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly unmarried +ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind. Old maids +are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too long on the +lees will turn to vinegar. + +{49}Not to be partial to either sex [_takes the head up_], as a +companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An Old Bachelor. These +old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually abusing matrimony, +without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When they are in company +they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands, saying, if they +were married, their wives should never go any where without asking their +lords and masters' leave; and if they were married, the children should +never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set the house to +rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers abroad +are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to some +termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open their +lips, {50}but are frightened even if she frowns. Old bachelors, in this, +resemble your pretenders to atheism, who make a mock in public of +what in private they tremble at and fall down to. When they become +superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle through spectacles, +and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of symphonies, +and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put on my +spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love song; +'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &c. [_Laughs aloud._] How droll to hear +the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without a tooth! +[_Gives the head off._] + +{51}It is something odd that ladies shall have their charms all abroad +in this manner [_takes the head_], and the very next moment this shall +come souse over their _heads_, like an extinguisher. [_Pulls the calash +over._] This is a hood in high taste at the upper end of the town; and +this [_takes the head_] a hood in high taste at the lower end of the +town. Not more different are these two heads in their dresses than +they are in their manner of conversation: this makes use of a delicate +dialect, it being thought polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot, +_ca'ant_; must not _ma'ant_; shall not, _sha'ant_, This clipping +of letters would be extremely detrimental to the current coin of +conversation, did not these good dames make ample amends by adding +supernumerary syllables when they talk of _break-fastes_, and +_toastesses_, and running their heads against the postasses to avoid +the wild _beastesses_. These female orators, brought up at the bar +of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which, +however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly +conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between +ancient and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to +the purpose. Some people talk without saying any thing; some people +{52}don't care what they say; some married men would be glad to have +nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands would be full as glad +if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [_ Gives the head +off._] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion; modern oratory +the knack of putting words, not things, together; for speech-makers now +are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of their harangues; +they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their goodness rated +according as they hold out against time. For example, a gentleman lately +coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly pleased with +some debates which he had just then heard, one of his acquaintance +begged the favour that he would tell the company what the debates were +about. + +"About, Sir!--Yes, Sir.--About!--what were they debating about? Why they +were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?" "What did +they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two hours, three +quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch, which is +the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said, who +should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking." +"Which side was he of?" "Why {53}he was of my side, I stood close by him +all the time." + +Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers, +or orators. [_Takes the two heads up._] These in their life-time were +heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners. +_(Holds one head in each hand.)_ This Don Dismal's faction, is a +representation of that discontented part of mankind who are always +railing at the times, and the world, and the people of the world: This +is a good-natured fellow, that made the best of every thing: and this +Don Dismal would attack his brother--"Oh, brother! brother! brother! +what will this world come to?" "The same place it set out from this day +twelve-month." "When will the nation's debt be paid {54}off?" "Will +you pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times--very +slippery times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become +of our liberty?--Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be +sure." "I can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [_ +Gives the heads off._] + +It may seem strange to those spectators [_takes the head_] who are +unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such +caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such +enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the +good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the +ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old +England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as +part of their head-dresses [_lets down the tail and takes out the wool_], +keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [_Takes off the +head._] + +But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in +the Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tête from a puppet-show +woman, and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls +with, fancied a whisp of hay might {55}do. [_Takes the head._] Here +is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery; and here is her +new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at her garret +dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to receive a +letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house again, the +postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by way of +forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but may the +ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order. Amen. + +Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words, +which are, _simplex munditiis_. Now these two words cannot be properly +translated; {56}their best interpretation is that of a young Female +Quaker. [_Takes the head._] Such is the effect of native neatness. +Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to adorn her, nor +artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which satire has +dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering the +features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces. +[_Gives the head off._] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like +pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging +under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the +sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers +as men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or +that they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would +fly at any thing scarlet. [_Takes the head off._] But such practitioners +should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.--If +bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of +his work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by +the art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made +them. If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take +such liberties with her sex, by {57}way of atonement for that part of +my behaviour which may appear culpable, I humbly beg leave to offer a +nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' faces in perpetual bloom, +and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and I dare venture to +affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be of so much +service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of this. +[_Shews the girdle of good temper._] + +Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry +with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle +op Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear {58}lovely to her +husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married +folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or +wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear +this girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husband _begs_ his +wife, the wife _insists_ upon the husband's putting it on; in the +contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will +condescend to stoop first to take it up. [_Lays down the girdle._]. Bear +and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry +Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four +radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time +making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it. +Their horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the +reason why married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields. +Many a couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage +that can convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the +postcoach of ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence, +Luxury, and Credit; the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust, +Tyranny, and Oppression; the servants out of livery, that wait at table, +{59}are Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were +ladies once to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again +they would choose to appear in such a character. + +Here is a Lady [_takes up the picture_] in her true tranquil state of +mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare +that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses +to be herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the +reverse of this medallion is the same lady when she chooses _not_ to be +in temper, and _not_ to be herself. [_Turns the picture._] This face is +put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she has +lost a _sans prendre_, when her lap-dog's foot is trod {60}upon, or when +her husband has dared to contradict her. Some married ladies may have +great cause of complaint against their husbands' irregularities; but is +this a face to make those husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such +looks as these [_turns the picture_] they are to be won: and may the +ladies hereafter only wear such looks, and may this never more be known +[_turns the picture_] only as a picture taken out of Æsop's Fables. +[_Gives off the picture._] + +May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good +ones as fast as they can. + +It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of +courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards. +Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and +sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through +matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands +are seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this +name--[_Shews the girdle of indifference._] Courtship is matrimony's +running footman, but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is +too often carried away by the two grand preservatives of matrimonial +{61}friendship, delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper +very mortal to the honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized +with, and the college of physicians call it by this title--[_Shews the +girdle of the sullens._] + +This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with +which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the +arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed +earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in +the mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping +about the room, and looking at his lady {62}like the devil: at last he +abruptly demands of her her, + +"What's the matter with you, madam?" + +The lady mildly replies, + +"Nothing." + +"What is it you mean, madam?" + +"Nothing." + +"What would you make me, madam?" + +"Nothing." + +"What is it I have done to you, madam?" + +"O--h--nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at breakfast. The +lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was made with Thames +water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that the +tea-kettle was filled out of the New River. + +{63}From a scene of matrimonial tumult here is one of matrimonial +tranquillity. [_Matrimonial picture brought on, and you go forward._] +Here is an after-dinner wedlock _tête-à-tête_, a mere matrimonial +_vis-à-vis_; the husband in a yawning state of dissipation, and the lady +in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A nothing-to-doishness. If +an unexpected visitor should happen to break in upon their solitude, +the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is horribly chagrined, and +most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in such a deshabille: +but, upon honour, she did not mind {64}how her clothes were huddled on, +not expecting any company, there being nobody at home but her husband." + +The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am +heartily glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost +asleep; for, as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know +what to do with myself." + +END OF PART III. + + + + +PART IV. + +{65}We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable, +both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare; +_considerandi, considerando, considerandum_; and are not to be meddled +with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expressing itself +with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or +genders, except indeed when a _woman_ happens accidentally to be slain, +then the verdict is always brought in _man_-slaughter. The essence of +the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, +irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the quintessence of the law has, +according to its name, five parts. The first is the _beginning_, or +_incipiendum_; the second the _uncertainty_, or _dubitandum_; the +third _delay_, or _puzzliendum_; fourthly _replication_ without _endum_; +and, fifthly, _monstrum et horrendum_. + +{66}All which are exemplified in the following cases, Daniel against +Dishclout.--Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was +cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to +take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he +was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid; the pleadings of +which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant +Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour to be pitched upon +to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume +to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about circumlocutory +manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any +ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to shew +what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. +Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the same family with +Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the +fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attachment on the +sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, +tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's +Reports, Slack _versus_ Small wood, it is said that _primus {67}strocus +sine jocus, absolutus est provokus_. Now who gave the _primus strocus?_ +who gave the first offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan +there; for, my Lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we +could not have been thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan +had not been there, for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have +tumbled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began +with, "My Lord, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not +much to say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at once; at +once and immediately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor: +the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding, +common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself, as Dr. +Biblibus declares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio +volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that +a drunken man is _homo duplicans_, or a double man; not only because he +sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be, +_profecto ipse_ he; but is as he should not be, _defecto tipse_ he." + +{68}The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his +ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically. +He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do +conceive I have the authority to declare that I am counsel in this case +for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not flourish away in +words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people may think them +an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one +can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Lord, +this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for +the law knows no medium, and {69}right and wrong are but its shadows. +Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's +premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a kitchen is not a +warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a bake-house, an +inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my Lord, 'tis +absolutely and _bona fide_ neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as +the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, _camera necessaria pro +usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo, +stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding +mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et +calepashibus_. + +"But we shall not avail ourselves of an _alibi_, but admit of the +existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new +ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from +plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if +they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the +law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." +Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law +is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law. + +{70}By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the +fool with himself; but some people, fearful it would take from their +consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes the appearance of +keeping fools in great families. [_Takes the head._] Thus are they +dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are related to +all the wise families in the kingdom. + +This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is +without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's +head. This is the head of Somebody. [_Takes the head._] It has two +faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these +faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face +is exhibited as a hint to that part {71}of mankind who are always +whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody, +and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty, +one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master +called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of naming +any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse +Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the +word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster, +you are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her +very well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene; +I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling +at the partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported +if he snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment +for those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would +fall hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers +could not continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods. + +{72}Here is the head [_takes it_] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his +mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and this is exhibited as an emblem +of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the +faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of +others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head +[_takes it_] of Everybody. [_ Turns the head round._] This is to show +how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or +what every body will say. Nay, there is not a poor country wench, +when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will +immediately reply to him, "Lord!--Your honour!--What will the world +say?" And this, _what will the {73}world say_, is what everybody is +anxious after, although it is hardly worth anybody's while to trouble +their heads with the world's sayings. + +These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a +fifth head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after +something about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out +Everybody's business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his +pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads +the fib of each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper, +the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives +Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as +Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and, +at last, there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From +these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation +demonstrates the odds are so much against them; but Hope flatters them, +Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty +thousand pounds prizes must come to Somebody [_gives the head off_]; +and, as Anybody may have them [_gives the head off_], and Nobody +{74}knows who [_gives the head off_], Everybody buys lottery-tickets. +[_Gives the head off._] + +Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the +attention of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking, +conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity +of his hearers. Yet it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this +address; for, to shew in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here +exposes the head of flattery. [_Takes the head._] + +This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that +is the reason why poor {75}wits are always the greatest flatterers. The +ancients had several days they called lucky and unlucky ones; they +were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery +distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining profile; +to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least approach +of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [_Opens the +head._] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the +moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to +suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they +greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without +considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is +intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows: +This head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it +then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two +knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at +the same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the +knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It +is a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!" +replied the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black +{76}head." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords +flew out, and they hacked and hewed one another so long, that, at last, +fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground; then, lifting +up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A +venerable hermit coming by, bound up their wounds, placed them again on +horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, That they never hereafter +should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without +having previously examined both sides of the question. + +We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national +characters. + +{77}Here is the head of a Frenchman [_shews the head_], all levity and +lightness, singing and capering from morning till night, as if he looked +upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty and law but a jig. Yet +Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though he lives in a country +that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute monarch. Has he +property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and the slave +is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon in the +country to which a _lettre de cachet_ conveys him, and buries the wretch +for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the cause?" + +{78}"_Je ne sçai pas_, it is de will of de Grand Monarch." Give him a +_soupe maigre_, a little sallad, and a hind quarter of a frog, and he's +in spirits.--"_Fal, lai, lai, vive le roy, vive la bagatelle_." He is +now the declared enemy of Great Britain: ask him, "Why?--has England +done your country an injury?" "Oh no." "What then is your cause of +quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de liberty to de subject. She will +have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir, de Grand Monarch have send +out de fleet and de army to chastise de English; and, ven de America are +free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American himself." "But, Monsieur, +is France able to cope with England on her own element, the sea?" "_Oh! +pourquois non?_" "Why not?" + +{79}Here is the head of a British Tar [_shews the head_]; and, while +England can man her navy with thousands of these spirits, Monsieur's +threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises danger, wounds, +and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if (like a +salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action grows +hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no reward +for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so honourable +as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a French +sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand to +his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution--"_Ah, mon +bon pere, avez pitié de moi!_" when he + +{80}should look death in the face like a man. This brave tar saw the +gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a blaze, his eye fixed +on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning to shrink, waiting +with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he was to die +gloriously in the service of his country. + +Here is the head of a Spaniard, [_Shews the head._] But first I had +better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two +allies. Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did, +for peace with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the +latter end {81}of the last war, the British fleets thundering in their +ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for the calamities +brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was taken +prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he asked, +upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman, +detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous +people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his +ally to persevere. _Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami_.--"Wait, my good +friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave Don, +"for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over +their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession +of madness and folly. + +{82}This is the head [_shews it_] of Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho +Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great merchant at Rotterdam; who had +amassed an immense fortune by supplying the enemies of Great Britain +with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should die as he has lived +by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises; and these, in the +vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover any advantage, it +is but breaking them, and down with friendship and honour in a bite. +He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and principal a +Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He looks upon +money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring {83}the +greatest dainty. If you would ask him what wisdom is, he'll answer +you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence is, he'll reply, Stock: and +should you inquire who made him, he would say, Stock; for Stock is the +only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of his wit, his whole +Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would judge of his +conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His conduct +to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by Hogarth's Paul +before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian angel, Conscience, +has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the devil, taking +advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which the apostle +is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted genius +has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has received +blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as her +dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean. + +When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their +characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to +inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There +is a noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to +{84}behold illustrious actions with wonder and delight, but kindles also +a desire of attaining the same degree of excellence. The Romans, who +well knew this principle in human nature, decreed triumphs to their +generals, erected obelisks and statues in commemoration of their +victories; and to this day the cabinet of the antiquarian preserves +records of the victories of a Germanicus, the generosity of a Titus, or +the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then should not England adopt +the practice of the Romans, a people who reached the highest pinnacle of +military glory? It is true that some of our great generals have marble +monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not the living enjoy +the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to have their +victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it be when +men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will then +sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British Hero; a +title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent valour of +the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool intrepidity of +the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of a Soldier +and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. His mind +active and {85}vigorous, burning with the thirst of honour, flew to +posts of danger with a rapidity which gave tenfold value to his military +exertions, and rendered his onsets terrible as resistless. No expedition +appeared to him either difficult or impracticable that was to be +undertaken for the good of the cause he had embarked in. Fortune too +seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved his life in many +actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm without shewing +an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was exposed, he has +still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his country. As he +is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to be expected +from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and fame. And +oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had resembled +Tableton! + +END OF PART IV. + + + + +PART V. + +{86}We shall now return to the law, for our laws are full of returns, +and we we shall shew a compendium of law [_takes the wig_]; parts of +practice in the twist of the tail.--The depth of a full bottom denotes +the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif behind, like a +blistering plaister, seems to shew us that law is a great irritator, and +only to be used in cases of necessity. + +We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for, +like a poor periwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the +same block. + +[_Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay._] + +{87}Law is law, law is law, and as in such and so forth, and hereby, and +aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a +country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law +is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. +It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is +like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is like a scolding +wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are +bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are +glad when they get out of it. + +{88}We shall now mention a cause, called "Bullum _versus_ Boatum:" it +was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows. + +There were two farmers; farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or +possessed of a bull: farmer B was possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the +owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, +with a piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, _vulgo +vocato_, a hay-band. + +After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very +natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A's +bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to +look for a dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying-out, +some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into +the ferry-boat: he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, +fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings, +floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock; +beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard; +whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, +for running away with the bull. The owner of the boat brought his action +against the bull for running away with the {89} boat. And thus notice of +trial was given, Bullum _versus_ Boatum, Boatum _versus_ Bullum. + +Now the Counsel for the bull began with saying, "My Lord, and you +gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are +indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my Lord, we have heard +of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my Lord, the +bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be +said to run away with the horses; therefore, my Lord, how can we punish +what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can +we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on +what is not thinkable? Therefore, my {90}Lord, as we are counsel in this +cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the +jury would be guilty of a bull." + +The counsel for the boat observed that the bull should be nonsuited, +because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of; +for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel.--"My Lord, if +the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was +not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I over-ruled this +motion myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is +no colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their +heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. +This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both +bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river +carried them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the +tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat +had a good action against the water-bailiff. + +My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, +this point of law arose, How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and +what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the {91}boat was not a +_compos mentis_ evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point +was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring that, for his client, he +would swear any thing. + +The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original +record in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that +they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. +The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows. "_Aquæ bailiffi est +magistrates in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et +scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus +reveris lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni, +whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus_;" that is, not turbots alone, but +turbots and soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; +the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by +addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to +avoid quibbling; but, it being proved that they were carried away +neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon +the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of +the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin +again, _de novo_. + +{92}This is one of those many thousand Heads [_takes the head_] who +swarm in and about London, whose times and minds are divided between +the affairs of state and the affairs of a kitchen. He was anxious after +venison and politics; he believed every cook to be a great genius; and +to know how to dress a turtle comprehended all the arts and sciences +together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to read about battles; +and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be knock'd on the +head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He read every +political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the question, and +was always on his side whom he read last. + +{93}And then he'd come home in a good or ill temper and call for his +night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for some neighbours to sit +with him, and talk politics together. [_Puts on a cap, and takes the +pipes and sits down._] + +"How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are +hard times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of +venison without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we +should have warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper. +Ay, ay; I think I know a thing or two; I think I do, that's all. But, +Lord, what signifies what one knows? they don't mind me! You know I +{94}mentioned at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the +company took me up, and said, 'What signifies America, when we are all +in a merry cue?' So they all fell a laughing. Now there's Commons made +Lords, and there's Lords made the Lord knows what; but that's nothing to +us; they make us pay our taxes; they take care of that; ay, ay, ay, they +are sure of that. Pray what have they done for these twenty years last +past?--Why, nothing at all; they have only made a few turnpike roads, +and kept the partridges alive till September; that's all they have done, +for the good of their country. There were some great people formerly, +that lov'd their country, that did every thing for the good of their +country; there were your Alexander the Great--he lov'd his country, +and Julius Caesar lov'd his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his +country, and Queen Semiramis, she lov'd her country more than any of +'em, for she invented solomon-gundy; that's the best eating in the whole +world. Now I'll shew you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive.--We'll +suppose this drop of punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very +well. These pieces of cork to be our men of war; very well. Now where +shall I raise my fortifications? I wish I had Mr. Major {95}Moncrieff +here; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification. Oh! I +have it. [_Breaks the pipes._] We'll suppose them to be all the strong +fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort, +Bergen op Zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all +over the world. Now I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats, +and all our foot-infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd +cross the sea before you could say Jack Robinson. And where +do you think they should land, Mr. Costive? whisper me that. +Ha!--What?--When?--How?--You don't know.--How should you!--Was you ever +in Germany or Bohemia?--Now, I have; I understands jography. Now they +should land in America, under the line, close to the south pole; there +they should land every mother's babe of 'em. Then there's the Catabaws, +and there's the Catawaws; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs +and rees; they are the four great nations. Then I takes my Catabaws all +across the continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to +the Mediterranean. You know where the Mediterranean is?--No, you +know nothing; I'll tell you; the Mediterranean is the metropolis of +Constantinople. Then I'd send a fleet to blockade {96}Paris till the +French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for General +Clinton and Colonel Tarleton; and--Where was I, Mr. Costive; with +Tarleton;--Thank ye--so I was; but you are so dull, Mr Costive, you put +me out. Now I'll explain the whole affair to you; you shan't miss a word +of it. Now there is the king of Prussia and the empress of Russia, +and the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in +the Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the Cham +of Tartary's back setlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a +_circumbendibus_, and retakes all the islands, Rhode Island and all; and +takes 'em _here_ and _there_, and _there_ and _here_, and _every where_. +There is the whole affair explained at once to you." + +This is the head of a Proud Man: all heads in that predicament are +unsound. This man was rich; and as wealth is a certain hot-bed to raise +flatterers, he had enough of them; they told him he was every thing; he +believed them, and always spoke in the first person, saying, I, I, +I--I will have it so; I know it;--I, I--which puts one in mind of a +school-boy toning out before his mistress's knees, I by itself I. Yet +there is one piece of pride which may be thought excusable; and {97}that +is, that honest exultation of heart which every public performer feels +from the approbation of his auditors; gratefully does he acknowledge +their indulgence, and with sincerity declares that the utmost exertion +of his abilities can never equal the favour of the public. + +By way of Epilogue, here are two wigs. [_Takes two wigs._] This is +called the full-buckled bob, and carries a consequentially along with +it: it is worn by those people who frequent city feasts, and gorge +themselves at a Lord-Mayor's-show dinner; and, with one of these wigs +on, their double chins rested upon their breasts, and their shoulders +up, they seem as if they had eaten themselves into a {98}state of +indigestion, or else had bumpered themselves out of breath with bottled +beer. [_Puts on the wig._] "Waiter! bring me a ladleful of soup. You +dog, don't take off that haunch of venison yet!--Bring me the lamb, a +glass of currant jelly, and a clean plate. A hob-nob, sir." "With all +my heart." "Two bumpers of Madeira!--Love, health, and ready rhino, to +all the friends that you and I know."--On the contrary, these lank looks +form the half-famished face. [_Puts on the Methodist hair, and takes the +tub._] + +The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mammon eats up all your +upper leathers, and we are all become sad soals. Brethren, (the word +brethren comes from the tabernacle, because we {99}all breathe therein), +if you are drowsy I'll rouse you, I'll beat a tattoo upon the parchment +case of your conscience, and I'll whisk the devil like a whirligig among +you. Now let me ask you a question seriously. Did you ever see any body +eat any hasty-pudding? What faces they make when it scalds their mouths! +Phoo, phoo, phoo! What faces will you all make when old Nick nicks you? +Now unto a bowl of punch I compare matrimony; there's the sweet part of +it, which is the honey-moon: then there's the largest part of it, that's +the most insipid, that comes after, and that's the water; then there's +the strong spirits, that's the husband; then there's the sour spirit, +that's the wife. But you don't mind me, no more than a dead horse does +a pair of spectacles; if you did, the sweet words which I utter would be +like a treacle posset to your palates. Do you know how many taylors +make a man?--Why nine. How many half a man?--Why four journeymen and an +apprentice. So have you all been bound 'prentices to madam Faddle, the +fashion-maker; ye have served your times out, and now you set up for +yourselves. My bowels and my small guts groan for you; as the cat on the +house-top is caterwauling, so from the top of my voice will I {100}be +bawling. Put--put some money in the plate, then your abomination shall +be scalded off like bristles from the hog's back, and ye shall be +scalped of them all as easily as I pull off this periwig. + +My attempt you have heard to succeed the projector, And I tremblingly +wait your award of this lecture; No merits I plead, but what's fit for +my station, And that is the merit of your approbation. And, since for +mere mirth I exhibit this plan, Condemn, if you please--but excuse, if +you can. + +END OF THE LECTURE, + + + + +AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. + +{101}The vice and folly which overspread human nature first created +the satirist. We should not, therefore, attribute his severity to a +malignity of disposition, but to an exquisite sense of propriety, an +honest indignation of depravity, and a generous desire to reform the +degenerated manners of his fellow-creatures. This has been the cause +of Aristophanes censuring the pedantry and superstition of Socrates; +Horace, Persius, Martial, and Juvenal, the luxury and profligacy of the +Romans; Boileau and Molière the levity and refinement of the French; +Cervantes the romantic pride and madness of the Spanish; and Dorset, +Gldharn, Swift, Addison, Churchill, Stevens, and Foote, the variety +of vice, folly, and luxury, which we have imported from our extensive +commerce and intercourse with other nations. We should, consequently, +reverse the satirist and correct ourselves. + +{102}We should not avoid him as the detecter, but as the friendly +monitor. If he speaks severe truths, we should condemn our own conduct +which gives him the power. + +It has frequently been observed, that the satirist has proved more +beneficial to the correction of a state than the divine or legislator. +Indeed he seems to have been created with peculiar penetrative +faculties, and integrity of disposition, and a happy genius to display +the enormity of the features, while it corrects the corrupt exercise +of our vices. The legislator may frame laws sufficiently wise and +judicious, to check and control villany, without the power of impeding +the progress of vice and folly, while they are kept within the limits of +only injuring ourselves. For law has no power to punish us for the vices +which debilitate our constitution, destroy our substance, or degrade our +character. + +Nor can religion entirely extirpate vice, no more than she can even +control folly. Her two principles, alluring to virtue by promise of +reward, and dissuading from vice by threats of punishment, extend their +influence no farther than on those whose dispositions are susceptible +of their impressions. So that we find numbers among {103}mankind whose +conduct and opinions are beyond her power. The atheist, who disbelieves +a future existence, is not likely to check the exercise of his favourite +vicious habits for any hope of reward or dread of punishment; and the +debauchee, who, though he may not deny the truth of her tenets, yet is +too much absorbed in his pleasures, to listen to her precepts, or regard +her examples. Besides, there are many so weak in their resolution as +not to be capable of breaking the fetters of habit and prepossession, +although they are, at the same time, sensible of their destructive +consequences. It is, therefore, that nature has implanted in us a sense +which tends to correct our disposition, where law and religion are seen +to have no power. This sense is a desire of public estimation, which not +only tends to give mankind perfection in every art and science, but also +to render our personal character respectable. It is this susceptibility +of shame and infamy which gives satire its efficiency. + +Without this sense of ourselves, the scourge would lose its power of +chastisement. We should receive the lashes without a sense of their +pain; and without the sense of their pain we would never amend from this +affliction. From the desire of {104}being approved and noticed, +arises every effort which constitutes the variety of employments and +excellencies the world possesses. It actuates the prince and the beggar, +the peasant and the politician, the labourer and the scholar, the +mechanic and the soldier, the player and the divine. In a word, there +is not an individual in the community whose conduct is not influenced by +its dictates. It is, therefore, not surprising that mankind should be +so impressive to the power of satire, whose object is to describe their +vices and follies, for the finger of public infamy to point at their +deformities and delinquencies. Thus, where law cannot extend its awe +and authority, satire wields the scourge of disgrace; and where religion +cannot convince the atheist, attract the attention of the debauchee, or +reform those who are subject to the power of habit and fashion, satire +affords effectually her assistance. Satire reforms the drunkard, by +exposing to the view of himself and the world the brutality of his +actions and person when under the influence of intoxication. Satire +reforms, likewise, the inordinate actions of those who are not awed by +the belief of future reward and punishment, by exposing them to infamy +during their present {105}existence. And those who are subject to the +dominion of depraved habits satire awakens to a practice of reformation, +from the poignant sense of being the derision and contempt of all their +connexions; for there is no incentive so powerful to abandon pernicious +customs as the sense of present and future disgrace. We may, therefore, +conclude, that nothing tends so much to correct vice and folly as this +species of public censure. Having thus made some observations on the +general utility and necessity of satire, we shall proceed to examine +which of its species is the most likely to be effective. + +The most remarkable species of satire are, the narrative, dramatic, and +picturesque; which have also their separate species peculiar to each. +The narrative contains those that either reprove with a smile or a +frown, by pourtraying the characteristics of an individual, or the +general manners of a society, people, or nation; and are either +described in verse or prose. The dramatic contains perfect resemblance, +which is described by comedy; or caricature, which is described by +farce. And the picturesque is what exercises the painter, engraver, +and sculptor. In all these species the satirist may either divert by +his humour, entertain by his wit, or torture by his severity. Each mode +{106}has its advocates. But we think that the mode should be adapted to +the nature of the vice or folly which demands correction. If the vice be +of an atrocious nature, it certainly requires that the satire be severe. +If it be of a nature that arises more from a weakness of mind than +depravity of feeling, we think it should be chastised by the lively +and pointed sarcasms of wit; and, if the failing be merely a folly, +it should only be the subject of humorous ridicule. With respect +to determining which species of satire is the most preferable, the +narrative of Horace and Juvenal, the dramatic of Aristophanes and Foote, +or the picturesque of Hogarth and Stevens; we can best form our +opinion from comparing their different defects and excellencies. As +the narrative is merely a description of manners, it is devoid of that +imitation of passion and character which gives effect to the dramatic. +But, as the language is more pointed, more energetic, and more elegant, +it certainly must impress the reader more deeply. The dramatic, +therefore, while it is calculated to affect more the spectator, is +inferior to the narrative in the closet. The picturesque is more +defective than either of the two former. It has only power to describe +the action of an instant, and {107}this without the assistance of +reflection, observation, and sentiment, which they derive from their +verbal expression. + +We may, consequently, perceive that each species has defects to which +others are not liable, and excellencies which the others do not possess. + +Thus it is evident that a species of satire, which could blend all the +advantages of all the three, can only be that which is adequate to the +idea of perfect satire. This kind of satire is the Lecture on Heads. +We cannot, therefore, be surprised that it should have been the most +popular exhibition of the age. The heads and their dresses composed the +picturesque: the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer, +composed the dramatic; and the lively description of manners, the +judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, composed the +narrative. Thus did the genius of its author invent a species of +entertainment which possessed excellencies that counterbalanced the +defects of all other satirists, produced from the age of Aristophanes, +who flourished four hundred and seven years before the Christian era, +until his own time. + +Having thus enforced the utility of satire in general, and specified the +defects and properties of {108}its particular kinds, we shall proceed to +make a few observations on the peculiar merit of the Lecture on Heads. +We have already seen that it possesses every quality of all other +satires in itself: it only, therefore, remains to consider its wit, +humour, character, and apparatus; which are its essensial properties. +The wit of this Lecture is as various as the subjects which it +satirises. Its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts while it +chastises, and its pertinency always adorns the sentiment or observation +it would illustrate. The variety of its species always entertains, but +never satiates. Even puns please, from the aptness and pleasantry of +their conceits. His wit is so predominant, that, if we may be allowed +the expression, it is discovered in his silence. A most striking example +of this is where he uses the rhetorical figure called the Aposiopesis, +or suppression, in displaying the head of a prostitute: he introduces +it with saying, "This is the head of a woman of the town, or a ------; +but, whatever other title the lady may have, we are not entitled here to +take notice of it." Nothing can be more delicate than this suppression: +it displays a tenderness and liberality to the frailty of female nature, +which does as much credit to his feelings as to his genius. + +{109}We know not a more happy instance of giving expression to silence, +or giving an idea without verbal assistance, than is contained in the +above character. + +The humour of this Lecture is grotesque, lively, and delicate; it +varies its form with the character it ridicules. Nothing can surpass the +humorous whimsicality of his situations and expressions; for they please +as much from the fanciful manner in which he places the ridiculous to +our view, as from the resemblance with which he so naturally describes +the prototype. His description of a London Blood cannot fail to excite +laughter in the features of the greatest cynic. The natural propensity +which mankind has to laugh at mischief never was more happily gratified +than from his describing this character _pushing a blind horse into a +china-shop_. Had he chosen any other animal, the effect would not have +been so great on his audience. If it had been an ass, it would have +been attended with an idea of the obstinacy and the reluctance of this +animal, which would have suggested its being too difficult; it would +not, therefore, have excited, in any manner, the risible faculty. Had +it been an ox, it would have {110}connected with it the idea of too much +fury and devastation to entertain with the picture. But choosing a blind +horse, who, from his loss of sight and natural docility, may be +easily supposed to be led into such a situation; the mind adopts the +credibility, and enjoys the whimsical and mischievous consequence, while +it condemns the folly and puerility of the Blood who occasioned it. +It is this peculiar faculty of choice of subjects, situation, and +assemblage, which constitutes the excellence of a humorist, which +Stevens possessed in a most eminent degree; for he displays it in almost +every line of his Lecture. Indeed, in this art we know of none superior +to him, except it be Shakespeare in some of his comedies, which are +inimitable in every thing which relates to the _vis comica_. With +respect to the characters of this Lecture, they are such as will be +found to exist with human nature; except a few, who are described as +the devotees to particular fashions; and such will always be found while +vanity, luxury, and dissipation, exist in society. Therefore, from this +universality of character, his Lecture will ever be worthy the +perusal of every person who would wish to avoid being contemptible or +ridiculous: for {111}there is no person but may be liable to some vice +or folly, which he will find exposed by this masterly, pleasant, and +original, satirist. + +His characters compose every part of the community. The old and young, +rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those +of every learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of his +whimsical, yet judicious and pertinent, censure. + +Having thus made some general remarks on the wit, humour, and character, +of this Lecture, it only remains for us to say a few words on its +apparatus. This was merely the picturesque part of the satire, which +gave that effect to the _tout ensemble_, which it would not otherwise +have produced as a representation. It was by this appendage that Mr. +Stevens was enabled to afford entertainment for nearly three hours +without a change of person, although he changed his appearance. The +apparatus was not only an ornament, but a visible illustration of what +would otherwise have been only mental. It was, therefore, indispensable +as a stage exhibition; for, to entertain an audience, the sight must be +exercised as well as the mind. It is necessary to prevent languor, which +will always be the consequence where reflection is {112}more exerted +than sensation. Thus, in every public exhibition, the senses of hearing +and seeing should be gratified in every manner that is consistent with +the nature of what is produced for the observation of the mind. But +although this apparatus was necessary as a representation, it may be +dispensed with as a closet satire: for, not being confined to read two +or three hours, we can shut the book whenever it becomes uninteresting, +which we cannot at a public lecture. We are then confined to one place +and one object during its performance. It is this which renders every +lecture, that is not accompanied by some apparatus, so tiresome to the +auditor. We, therefore, read such lectures as are upon literary Subjects +with more pleasure than we hear them delivered. But lectures on anatomy, +experimental philosophy, astronomy, and every other that admits of +apparatus, we hear and see with much more pleasure and improvement than +when we read them. In regard to the Lecture on Heads, as the apparatus +is not necessary to make the reader comprehend the force and meaning of +the satire more than he can from the words themselves, we make no doubt +but its perusal will afford such pleasure as to increase its estimation, +if possible, {113}with the public. From a more close attention they will +discover beauties of wit, humour, character, and imitation, that were +not perceived during its representation: for the minds of an audience +are very susceptible of being diverted from attending to what is +represented before them. + +The company whom they are with, or the attractions of others whom they +see among an audience, frequently suspend the attention while it loses +the greatest beauties of the performance. But, when we are reading a +performance in our closet, whatever is capable of pleasing from its +novelty, propriety, or excellence, is not liable to be lost from any +obstruction or interference by other objects. + +Consciousness, therefore, of the entertainment this Lecture will afford +to the reader, as well as the auditor and spectator, is the chief +inducement of submitting it thus, in its only original state, for his +approbation. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. 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