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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 7, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 17, 2007  [eBook #23064]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23064-h.htm or 23064-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h/23064-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JUNE 7, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A correspondent writes to tell us of a painful experience which he has
+had in consequence of his efforts to practise war-time economy in the
+matter of dress. The other evening, after going to bed at dusk in order
+to save artificial light, he was rung up by the police at 1 A.M. and
+charged with showing a light. It appears that he had gone to bed with
+his blind up, after throwing his well-worn trousers over the back of a
+chair, and that the rays of a street lamp had caught the glossy sheen of
+this garment and been reflected into the eagle eye of the constable.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Reuter's message the Greeks are "much preoccupied" at the
+seizure of strategic positions on Greek territory by Bulgarian troops.
+The preoccupation, it is thought, should have been done by the Allies.
+
+       ***
+
+While he was on his way to make a Memorial Day speech at Kansas City,
+Mo., an open knife was thrown at Ex-President ROOSEVELT. Some of his
+bitterest friends in the journalistic world allege that it was just a
+paper knife.
+
+       ***
+
+Last week a number of professional fortune-tellers were fined at
+Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their
+pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had
+been unable to foresee the coming of the Zeppelins until some time after
+they had arrived.
+
+       ***
+
+The export of sardines in oil from Sweden is prohibited. Some resentment
+is felt at the order by the Germans, who with their customary ingenuity
+have for some time been importing india-rubber sardines in petrol
+without detection.
+
+       ***
+
+A soldier at Salonika has sent a live tortoise home to his relatives at
+Streatham. The tortoise, it is understood, was too fidgety to bear up
+against its surroundings and was sent home for a little excitement.
+
+       ***
+
+If, on the other hand, the tortoise was just sent as a souvenir we
+should discourage the practice. The tendency on the part of our soldiers
+in India and Egypt to send home elephants and camels as mementos of the
+localities in which they are serving is already putting something of a
+strain upon the postal authorities.
+
+       ***
+
+From "The World of Letters" in _The Observer_: "Some day there will be a
+cheap edition of Captain Ian Hay's war book, _The First Four Hundred_,
+and the sale will be immense.... The Blackwoods are old-fashioned modest
+people, who do not parade figures...." In the present case, however, we
+do not think they would have objected to the reviewer parading a further
+99,600 in the title of IAN HAY'S book.
+
+       ***
+
+"The question of alien waiters in London hotels rests with those who
+patronise the hotels," says a contemporary. In other words, the
+pernicious practice which had grown up before the War of ordering German
+waiters with one's dinner must be abandoned before the hotel managers
+will remove them permanently from their menus.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE has come out with a strong denunciation of
+"devilry" in German music. How little we suspected, before the War
+opened our deluded eyes, that it was no mere lack of skill but the
+fierce promptings of a demoniac hate that marred our evenings on the
+esplanade.
+
+       ***
+
+From The _Northern Whig's_ account of a visit to the Cruiser Fleet:--"It
+was a proud moment when from the deck of a fast-moving destroyer the
+long lines of the mighty Armada, with here and there the neat little
+pinnacles darting in and out, were surveyed." Obviously a misprint for
+binnacles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vivian Vavasour, the melodrama actor, delights in the
+comparative peace of the trenches.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSED AND THE AMUSERS.
+
+All the windows of the V.A.D. hospital were brilliantly lighted up, and
+through them floated the strains of a piano and occasional bursts of
+laughter. Number One Ward, however, was quite empty except for my
+friend, Private McPhee, stalking majestically up and down as if on
+sentry go, wearing a "fit of the blues" several sizes too large for him
+and an expression which would, I believe, be described by kailyard
+novelists as "dour."
+
+"Bong jaw, Mademawselle," he exclaimed, bringing his stick smartly to
+the salute, "or rather bong saw, tae be correct."
+
+McPhee has affected the Gallic tongue since his sojourn in France.
+
+"Why, what are you doing all by yourself, McPhee?" I asked. "Are you on
+duty?"
+
+"Na, na," he said, "ah'm pleasin' masel just."
+
+He paused and emitted a fierce chuckle.
+
+"Ah'm gettin' even," he announced; "they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman."
+
+"But whatever made them want you to do that, McPhee?"
+
+"One o' thae nurses," continued the patient smoulderingly. "Ah fought at
+Mons, an' Ah fought at New Chapelle, an' Ah fought at Wipers, that's
+what ignorant pairsons ca' Eepers; and they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman. Why for did they no send me oot to fight the Jairmans in a
+peerambulator?"
+
+"Oh," I said, at last enlightened. "But surely, McPhee, the nurses are
+very nice. And think how hurt they will be if you won't go out with
+them."
+
+"Ah'm no denyin' some o' them are a' recht," said McPhee grudgingly,
+"but it's a maitter o' preenciple. An' I'm gettin' even wi' them the
+noo!"
+
+He chuckled again.
+
+"But how are you getting even?"
+
+"Ah'm no dressin' up for them," said the vengeful one; "ye ken thae
+nurses are havin' a kin' of a bairthday pairty or the like, an' a' the
+men's dressed up to please them. An' if Ah canna gang oot to please
+masel, Ah canna dress oop like a monkeyback to please them.
+
+"They wantit me to dress up for CHAIRLIE CHAPLIN. Man, the nurse was
+argle-barglin' a clock hour tryin' to persuade me to put thae claes on.
+'Oh, do' (he squeaked), 'to please me, McPhee.' ... But Ah wouldna. Ah
+turnit ma face to the wa' an' wouldna speak a wurrd.
+
+"Ye ken, the ward that gets the maist votes gets a prize, an' thae
+nurses is awfu' set on their ward winnin' it. Ah could ha' won it for
+Number One. Fine cud I. Ah can turn masel oot so's my ain brither
+couldna tell me from HARRY LAUDER. But Ah wouldna. If I canna gang
+oot----"
+
+At this point the door opened and a dejected apparition in a ruff and
+petticoats, like a rumpled remnant of a pre-war pageant, drifted in and
+sat down on a bed.
+
+"Ah weel, Queen Elizabeth, hae they dune wi' ye yet?" inquired McPhee
+sardonically.
+
+Gloriana shook his head. "They're playin' musical chairs," he said
+gloomily, "so I thought as I wouldn't be missed for a bit. This thing
+round my neck does tickle, but my nurse'd be awful 'urt if I took it
+off."
+
+McPhee emitted an ejaculation--Gaelic, I believe--usually expressed in
+writing "Mphm."
+
+"Sma' things," he said, "please sma' minds.... Wha won the prize?"
+
+"Number Two Ward," said Queen Elizabeth indifferently, "sweets. They're
+eatin' 'em. They'll have stummick-aches to-morrer.... But there--it's
+the least as we can do to let the nurses 'ave their bit o' fun."
+
+Nurse Robinson hurried up to me on my way out. I thought her looking a
+trifle anxious.
+
+"I'm feeling rather worried about one of my men," she began, "Private
+McPhee. I wonder if you saw him just now?"
+
+"Oh, yes," I said, "we had quite a long chat."
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad," she exclaimed, "I was really quite afraid he was
+wrong in his head. Do you know, he simply refused to dress up for the
+party ... and you know how they love dressing up! Such a good dress,
+too--CHARLIE CHAPLIN.... And I couldn't get a word out of him! Wasn't it
+strange?"
+
+"Very," I said; "convalescents get all kinds of fancies, don't they? And
+was the party a success?"
+
+"Splendid!" she said, brightening up. "Of course it's meant a lot of
+work. We've been toiling early and late at the costumes. But I'm sure
+it's worth it. It does please the poor fellows. Draws them out of
+themselves, don't you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Company notice-board at the Front:--
+
+    "Men must again be warned about matter they are putting in their
+    letters. No places where we are or where we are going to are not
+    to be divulged. Those having done so in their letters have been
+    obliterated."
+
+We had no notion that the Military Censorship was so drastic as that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FANTASY.
+
+  If you were a white rose Columbine
+      And I were a Harlequin,
+  I'd leap and sway on my spangled hips
+  And blow you a kiss with my finger tips
+  To woo a smile to your petal lips
+      At every glittering spin.
+
+  If I were a pig-tailed Buccaneer
+      And you were a Bristol Girl,
+  A-rolling home from over the sea
+  I'd give you a hug on the landing quay,
+  A hook-nosed parrot that swore like me,
+      And a brooch of mother-o'-pearl.
+
+  If you were a Donna of old Castile
+      And a Troubadour were I,
+  I'd sing at night beneath your room
+  And weave you dreams in a minstrel's loom
+  With rainbow tears and the roses' bloom
+      And star-shine out of the sky.
+
+  If I were a powdered Exquisite
+      And you were a fair Bellairs,
+  I'd press your hand in the gay pavane;
+  And whisper under your painted fan
+  As I bowed you into your blue sedan
+      At the old Assembly stairs.
+
+  If you were a WATTEAU Shepherdess
+      And I were a gipsy lad,
+  I'd teach you tunes that the blackbird trills
+  And show you the dance of the daffodils,
+  The white moon rising over the hills,
+      And Night in her jewels clad.
+
+  If you were the Queen of Make-believe
+      And I were a Prince o' Dream,
+  We'd dress the world in a rich romance
+  With Pans a-piping and Queens that dance,
+  With plume and mantle and rapier glance
+     And Beauty's eyes a-gleam.
+
+  If I were a Poet, sweet, my own,
+      And you were my Lady true,
+  I'd hymn your praise by night and morn
+  With golden notes through a silver horn
+  That unborn men in an age unborn
+      Might glow with a dream of you!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not Founder's Kin.
+
+    "The Archbishop of Perth has received news that he has been
+    appointed an honorary Fellow of Cain's College, Cambridge."
+
+    _Church Standard_ (_Sydney, N.S.W._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to _The Somerset and Wilts Journal_ the songs sung by the boys
+and girls of the Radstock National Schools on Empire Day included "Raise
+the Flagon High." We cannot but think this Bacchic theme a little
+unsuitable for our youthful songsters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORKING HOLIDAY.
+
+[Illustration: Coker-Nut. "WHIT-MONDAY AND NOTHING DOING!"
+
+Roundabout Horse. "WELL, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT WITH A WAR ON? THEY'VE ALL
+GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XLI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--They say we fight for money, do they? Well, so we do,
+and it's a long hard fight, and it's a good soldier who wins against
+that firmly entrenched enemy, the Command Paymaster.
+
+When this War is over I shall take all my money out of the Bank of
+England and, putting it in a paper bag and not troubling to tie it up, I
+shall just hand it to the C.P.M. and say, "Hang on to this, will you,
+till I come back?" Mark my words: if I'm away for fifty years or so,
+every penny of it will be there when I return. It isn't his habit to
+part with other people's money entrusted to his keeping.
+
+I have a sergeant, an honest upright man with no complications in his
+past, except that he is a Scot by birth and, happening to be there at
+the outbreak, enlisted in Canada. By reason of his uncertain movements
+he is unable to draw his food in the usual way, and yet insists,
+tiresomely, on being fed. So I said he'd better feed himself, and I
+claimed an authority for him to draw ration money in lieu of rations.
+Having weathered all the storms of an administrative correspondence, we
+eventually came by the authority itself. This was a great and happy day
+in the lives of myself and the forty-nine other officers who had by this
+time become involved in the affair. "Sgt. Blank is authorised to draw
+ration money in lieu of rations as from March 1st, 1916," I read to him,
+and sighed with relief. But it was a premature sigh. The trouble was
+only just beginning.
+
+"One-and-eightpence a day, no less, you get, Sergeant," I said.
+
+He was by now an old hand. "One-and-eightpence a day I am authorized to
+get, Sir," he corrected me.
+
+A man not easily depressed, he took a cheerful view of the preliminary
+condition that he was paid monthly, in arrear. He proposed to spend his
+meal-times, during the rationless and moneyless days of March, reading
+the correspondence; quite enough to engage a man's whole attention
+during at least that period.
+
+April 1st, 1916, duly arrived, and with it the renewal of the Sergeant's
+food question, "What, again?" I asked, irritably.
+
+But the Field Cashier, who was first approached on April 3rd, wasn't in
+the least irritated. The subject interested him from the start.
+Moreover, argumentative by nature though he undoubtedly was, he was all
+anxiety to pay. First, however, there were one or two trifling
+formalities to be observed. "You see," he explained, "I can only pay out
+upon an authority."
+
+With some confidence and no little pride we opened our despatch-case and
+produced our correspondence. He read every word of it; his pay corporal
+did the same, and very kindly explained it to us all as he went along.
+"This," they agreed, "is your authority to get the money. What I want is
+an authority to pay it." With expressions of mutual esteem we parted for
+the day, agreeing to give the matter our most earnest consideration
+during the week which must elapse before his return for the next
+pay-day.
+
+We spent a busy week interviewing the forty-nine officers and anyone
+else we could get to listen. Only from the Camp Commandant did we get
+anything approaching enthusiasm. Camp Commandants are men of a patient
+disposition and a never-failing sympathy; what is better still, they
+invariably possess a Sergeant-Major of unscrupulous if altruistic
+cunning. We presented ourselves at the pay-office, on April 10th, armed
+with every possible form of literature, over the Camp Commandant's
+signature, which any reasonable Field Cashier could possibly want to
+read.
+
+The Field Cashier was very pleased to see us; we were very pleased to
+see him. It was a most happy reunion. Only the Command Paymaster's
+presence was wanted to make the thing a success. The Field Cashier gave
+his address, dispensed with the Sergeant's presence at all future
+meetings, and postponed all further proceedings in the matter till April
+17th.
+
+If there was any lack of graciousness in the correspondence with the
+C.P.M., this was, I must at once say, on my side. He wanted to oblige,
+but, being human, he must have his authority.
+
+I sent him the authority to get and the authority to pay. His reply was
+to the effect that both were perfectly delightful and in the very best
+taste, but what was wanted before he could authorize payment was an
+authority to have the account in England credited with the necessary
+fund.
+
+For the first time in my life I positively loathed England.
+
+Bit by bit, however, the C.P.M. softened; but he hadn't softened quite
+enough to satisfy our Field Cashier by April 24th. It was not till May
+1st that he gave in altogether, and went so far as to send a chit to the
+Camp Commandant, authorising him to receive for me the Sergeant's money.
+Meanwhile we had discovered the private residence or funk-hole of our
+F.C., and conversations became daily.
+
+The defect on May 2nd was that the Camp Commandant hadn't signed the
+right receipt.
+
+The defect on May 3rd was that I hadn't got the right receipt to sign.
+
+The defect on May 4th was--yes, hunger had got the better of the
+Sergeant. Though he had got the right receipt and signed it, he had
+signed it in the wrong place.
+
+On May 5th I procured a light lorry, packed into it the Camp Commandant,
+the Sergeant, myself, as many of the forty-nine officers as I could
+lure, pens, ink and paper, and, by mere weight of numbers, I overcame
+the Field Cashier. He scribbled his initials everywhere, inquired in
+notes of what value we would take the money, and undertook, on his
+personal honour, that upon his very next visit to our headquarters
+(where the payment should properly be made) the notes should be ours. I
+asked the Sergeant triumphantly what more he could want. He saluted
+emphatically at the prospect of receiving, on May 8th, the money
+wherewith to buy his food for the period March 1st to April 3rd
+(inclusive).
+
+It was indeed an achievement. Not only were all authorities in existence
+and duly authorised, but the authorities who had authorised the
+authorities were themselves authorised in writing to do so--and that
+authoritatively. However, it was satisfactorily established in formal
+proof that all persons concerned, including the Camp Commandant, myself
+and the Sergeant, were in fact the persons we were represented to be.
+Indeed the last lingering doubt was removed from the mind of the Field
+Cashier as to his own identity, and (hats off, gentlemen!) England had
+done her Bit. It was a reluctant bit, but somehow or other it had been
+done. The money was there. The Command Paymaster could authorise its
+payment; the Field Cashier could pay it; the Camp Commandant could
+receive it; I could obtain it; and the Sergeant could get it. May the
+8th was fast approaching but----
+
+If a man (especially when he's right away in Canada) will be in such a
+hurry to enlist that he cannot spare the time to think out things
+carefully, what can he expect? Shortly after midnight of May 7th to 8th
+a telegram arrived: "Reference my A.B.C. 3535; your X.Y.Z. 97S; their
+decimal nine recurring. Please cancel all payment of rtn. allce. to
+Sergeant Blank, Akk. Akk. Akk. This N.C.O. belonging to a Canadian unit
+should apply direct to Paymaster, Overseas Contingent, Akk."
+
+The Sergeant said nothing, except to ask me how long I thought the War
+was likely to last?
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Subaltern._ "And about this saluting--I want you
+recruits to be very particular about that. Of course, you know, you
+don't salute _me_--you salute the uniform."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Why don't yer see Doctor Smiff abaht it?"
+
+"Is 'e a qualified doctor?"
+
+"I dunno. But I 'ear 'e's done wonders wiv animals."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What our V.T.C.'s have to put up with:--
+
+    "Horsham was reached by tea time, the Company having marched
+    upwards of sixteen miles, apart from its droll work."
+
+    _Sussex Daily News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Forestry Department of the township of Berlin reports that
+    in the Grunewald, the public park between Berlin and Potsdam,
+    1,600 trees had been planted, thus changing about 400 acres of
+    barren land into a forest."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+The statement, like the forest, seems a little thin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XVII.--Blackfriars.
+
+  Seven Black Friars sitting back to back
+  Fished from the bridge for a pike or a jack.
+  The first caught a tiddler, the second caught a crab,
+  The third caught a winkle, the fourth caught a dab,
+  The fifth caught a tadpole, the sixth caught an eel,
+  And the seventh one caught an old cart-wheel.
+
+XVIII.--The Stock Exchange.
+
+  There's a Bull and a Bear, and what do you think?
+  They live in a Garden of white Stocks and pink.
+  "I'll give you a pink Stock for one of your white,"
+  Says the Bear to the Bull; and the Bull says, "All right!"
+  They never make answer if anyone knocks,
+  They are always so busy exchanging their Stocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARTIAL PAT ON THE BACK.
+
+    (_Another Little Lecture on the War, after the style of "The
+    Spectator" (abbreviated)._)
+
+It is no time to waste words in praise of anybody. We want to give and
+mean to give--we may perhaps even say that we hope to give--the Cabinet
+our countenance and some measure of our approval, but neither adulation
+nor encomium. The Editor of this journal is quite ready to allot the
+laurels when they have been earned; he will be found at his post handing
+them out when the time arrives. But not now.
+
+It will be said, no doubt ... (Deletion of what will no doubt be said).
+
+You may ask a man to put his whole strength into drawing a cork, but
+unless you are a fool you do not, while the operation is going forward,
+keep nagging at him because the cork is too firmly jammed, nor do you
+jeer at him for his lack of prescience in not having selected a bottle
+with a wider neck. You do not ask him strings of useless questions as to
+why he doesn't grip the bottle between his feet or get a purchase on it
+with his teeth. Above all you do not keep handing him tools, such as a
+pair of scissors or a button-hook or a crowbar. No. You concentrate
+earnestly upon the provision of an _efficient corkscrew_, if you ever
+hope to taste the imprisoned liquor. And meanwhile, "Don't trip him up"
+should be the order of the day; "Don't catch his eye" should be your
+watchword; "Don't get into the bowler's arm" should be your motto.
+
+We shall be told, of course ... (Deletion of what we shall of course be
+told).
+
+But to discountenance nagging is not to encourage laudation, adulation,
+or encomium, or even praise. These can wait. The cow, to change the
+metaphor, will generally give her milk all the better if she is not in
+the act of being stroked or patted or wreathed with buttercups.
+
+We shall perhaps evoke the retort ... (Deletion of the retort, which
+will perhaps be evoked).
+
+So much for the exact attitude which the Public ought to maintain toward
+the Government during the War. Unfortunately the Public, or rather a
+section of them, have done nothing of the sort. And that is the reason
+why, in spite of good intentions about adulation and all that, it has
+become absolutely necessary for us to step forward and present the
+Ministry with this unsolicited testimonial. The Government is not what
+it appears to be to cross-grained critics seeking for a Rotation of
+suitable scapegoats. Ministers are full of glaring faults. Most of them
+before the War were wickedly engaged in doing all sorts of damage to the
+country, appalling to contemplate. But since the War began they are
+doing what they can to retrieve a lurid past, and we believe that
+History (our intimate colleague who waits to endorse at a later stage
+the views expressed in these columns) will pronounce that they have
+displayed great qualities.
+
+But stay! We are in danger of adulation after all. Let us freely admit
+that they are a sorry lot. We have never been blind to the fact. All the
+same, they have shown the greatest of all qualities in a
+crisis--dispassion almost amounting to torpor. There has never been
+about them the slightest trace of hustle or helter-skelter. They have
+steered with the greatest deliberation a course which they thought was
+the right one for the ship of state to take. To change the metaphor,
+having fixed the route of the national 'bus they have refrained from
+diving down side-streets. (But there we go again, running off into
+laudation. This will not do at all.)
+
+To speak frankly, all the political tenets of the majority of the
+Cabinet are such as can never receive anything but bitter hostility from
+this publication. We can't help it. There is a gulf fixed, that is how
+it comes about. But on the other hand we must not let this view prevent
+us--even though, after all, we are guilty of eulogy--from recognising
+their sterling worth. They are indispensable to the navigation of the
+ship of state. To change the metaphor, we must be content to let the
+train be driven by the engine-driver and not insist upon interference by
+the dining-car attendant.
+
+We are well aware that we lay ourselves open to the charge ... (Deletion
+of the charge to which we lay ourselves open).
+
+Let us then trust the Government, even blindly. Let our motto be the
+immortal words in the "Hunting of the Snark": "_They had often, the
+Bellman said, saved them from wreck: though none of the sailors knew
+how._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY ERROR.
+
+As a rule I am not one to peer over shoulders and read other people's
+letters or papers. But when one is in a queue waiting for one's passport
+to be _viséd_, and when one has been there for an hour and still seems
+no nearer to the promised land, and when it is the second time in the
+day that one has been in a queue for the same purpose--once in France
+and once in England--why, some little deflection from the narrow path of
+perfect propriety may be forgiven.
+
+Moreover in other ways I behaved better than many of my
+fellow-travellers, for I stood loyally behind the man in front of me in
+my due place, and did not, as others did, insinuate myself from the side
+into positions to which, by all the laws of precedence and decency, they
+were disentitled. Indeed I even caught myself wondering whether, had I
+any preferential opportunities of getting through first, as some Red
+Cross and otherwise influential people had, I should make use of them.
+To take any advantage of this weary waiting line of suspects, of which I
+was one, would have been almost monstrous.
+
+So, standing there all patiently and dejected, moving forward a foot or
+so every four or five minutes, no wonder that I found myself reading the
+embarkation paper which the gentleman in front of me had filled up and
+was holding so legibly before him.
+
+He was tall and solid and calm and French, with a better cut coat than
+most Frenchmen, even the aristocrats, trouble about. He was
+broad-shouldered and erect, and I was piqued to find him, for all his
+iron-grey hair, five years younger than myself. His name was--never
+mind; but I know it. His profession was given as publicist--as though he
+were Mr. ARNOLD WHITE or Sir HENRY NORMAN, although, for all I know, Sir
+HENRY NORMAN may by now be a Brigadier-General. His reasons for visiting
+England, given in English, were in connection with his profession. But
+after that his English broke down; for when it came to the question what
+was his sex, how do you think he had answered it? I consider that his
+solution of the difficulty was an ample reward to me--and to you, if you
+too have any taste in terminological exactitude--for my fracture of a
+social convention. The word he had wanted was either "male" or
+"masculine"; but they had evaded him. He had then cast about for English
+terminology associated with men, and had thought vaguely of master and
+mister. The result was that the line ran thus:--"Sex: Masterly."
+
+And, looking at the publicist's _soigné_ moustache and firm jaw and
+broad hands, I could believe it. But what an inspiration! And, dear me!
+what will the Panks, if there are any left, say?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To Teachers and Business Ladies. Heathful Holiday in North
+    Wales; brainy air."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Think what it has done for Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Judge_. "Three years."
+
+_Optimistic Prisoner_: "Couldn't you make it 'three years or the
+duration of the War,' me lud?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IDENTIFICATION.
+
+How often the kind of thing occurs that I am about to describe!
+
+Four or five summers ago, before the world went mad, I was on one of
+DAVID MACBRAYNE'S steamers on the way to a Scotch island. Among the few
+passengers was an interesting man, with whom I fell into conversation.
+He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man, with a pointed grey beard and a
+mass of grey hair under a panama, and he was bound, he told me, for a
+well-known fishing-lodge, whither he went every August. He had been a
+great traveller and knew Persia well; he had also been in Parliament,
+and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking. So much I remember of
+his affairs; but his name I did not learn. We talked much about books,
+and I put him on to DOUGHTY'S _Arabia Deserta_.
+
+I have often thought of him since and wondered who he was, and whenever
+I have met fishermen or others likely to be acquainted with this
+attractive and outstanding personality I have asked about him; but never
+with success. And then last week I seemed really to be on the track, for
+I found that my new neighbour in the country has also had the annual
+custom of spending a fortnight or so in the same Scotch island, and he
+claims to know everyone who ever visits that retired spot.
+
+So this is what happened.
+
+"If you're so old an islander as that," I said, "you're the very person
+to solve the problem that I have carried about for four or five years.
+There's a man who fishes regularly up there"--and then I described my
+fellow-passenger. "Tell me," I said, "who he is."
+
+He considered, knitting his brows.
+
+"You're sure you're right in saying he is unusually tall?" he inquired
+at last.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"That's a pity," he said, "because otherwise it might be Sir GERALD
+ORPINGTON. Only he's short. Still, he was in Parliament right enough.
+But, of course, if it was a tall man it's not Orpington."
+
+He considered again.
+
+"You say," he remarked, "that he had been in Persia? Now old Jack
+Beresford is tall enough and has plenty of hair, but I swear he's never
+been to Persia, and of course he hasn't a son at all. It's very odd.
+Describe him again."
+
+I described my man again, and he followed every point on his fingers.
+
+"Well," he said, "I could have sworn I knew every man who ever fished at
+Blank, but this fellow---- Oh, wait a minute! You say he is tall and
+bulky and had travelled, and his son was in the Boer War, and he has
+been in Parliament? Why, it must be old Carstairs. And yet it can't be.
+Carstairs was never married and was never in Parliament."
+
+He pondered again.
+
+Then he said, "You're sure it wasn't a clean-shaven bald man with a
+single eyeglass?"
+
+"Quite," I said.
+
+"Because," he went on, "if he had been it would have been old Peterson
+to the life."
+
+"He wasn't bald or clean-shaven," I said.
+
+"You're sure he said Blank?" he inquired after another interval of
+profound thought.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"Tell me again what he was like. Tell me exactly. I know every one up
+there; I must know him."
+
+"He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man," I said, "with a pointed beard
+and a mass of grey hair under a panama; and he went to Blank every
+August. He had been a great traveller and knew Persia; he had been in
+Parliament, and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking."
+
+"I don't know him," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Foreign gentleman desires English lady to correct him, during
+    one hour every morning, from 9 to 10."--_Bournemouth Daily
+    Echo._
+
+There is one foreigner whom innumerable English ladies would be
+delighted to correct; but he is no gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess (alluding to latest photograph of herself)._
+"Well, dear, do you think it's like me?"
+
+_Polite little Girl._ "Well, I don't think it has made you look
+quite--quite--grown up enough."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BIOLOGY AT THE FRONT."
+
+_To the Editor of "The Times."_
+
+SIR,--I am encouraged by reading the very interesting letter which
+appeared in your issue of May 29th under the heading, "Biology at the
+Front," and dealt with the habit acquired by French poultry of imitating
+the sound of flying shells, to relate an experience which recently
+befell me. I was seated at breakfast "Somewhere in France," and had
+ordered, as is my custom, a boiled egg. When it was brought to me I
+proceeded to open it by giving it a smart tap. The egg immediately
+exploded with a loud report, and the contents were scattered in all
+directions. Those at table with me at once threw themselves prostrate on
+the ground, and one, whose olfactory nerves were excessively developed,
+exhibited every symptom of being gassed. On questioning the innkeeper we
+learnt that the egg had been laid some weeks before by a hen in the
+neighbourhood of the Front. I had previously noticed that it was
+elongated in shape, the small end being pointed and the base end nearly
+flat, while the whole was cased in a shell.
+
+The continuance of this imitative habit would be a strange perpetual
+memorial of the Great War--particularly for Pacificist politicians.
+
+Yours, &c., Darwinian.
+
+_The Ashpit, Egham._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR'S SURPRISES.
+
+The Poet.
+
+  My gifted nephew Eric
+    Till just before the War
+  Was steeped in esoteric
+    And antinomian lore,
+  Now verging on the mystic,
+  Now darkly symbolistic,
+  Now frankly Futuristic,
+    And modern to the core.
+
+  Versed in the weird grivoiserie
+    Affected by VERLAINE,
+  And charmed by the chinoiserie
+    Of MARINETTI'S strain,
+  In all its multiplicity
+  He worshipped eccentricity,
+  And found his chief felicity
+    In aping the insane.
+
+  And yet this freak ink-slinger,
+    When England called for men,
+  Straight ceased to be a singer
+    And threw away his pen,
+  Until, with twelve months' training
+  And six months' hard campaigning,
+  The lure of paper-staining
+    Has vanished from his ken.
+
+  For now his former crazes
+    He utterly eschews;
+  The world on which he gazes
+    Has lost its hectic hues;
+  No more a bard crepuscular
+  Who writes in script minuscular,
+  He only woos the muscular
+    And military Muse.
+
+  Transformed by contact hourly
+    With heroes simple-souled,
+  He looks no longer sourly
+    On men of normal mould,
+  But, purged of mental vanity
+  And erudite inanity,
+  The clay of his humanity
+    Is turning fast to gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE ROAD TO RAGDAD."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not even LITTLE WILLIE could think of a better way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SECOND-HAND HEARSE Wanted; body must be up to date and
+    reasonable."
+
+    _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+And not insist on a brand-new outfit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITHOUT PREJUDICE.
+
+[Illustration: Ferdie. "I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE?"
+
+Tino. "OH, NO! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. THIS IS LIBERTY HALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 29th._--When Mr. ANDERSON alleged that a certain firm,
+desirous of getting its employés exempted, had "hospitably entertained"
+the members of the local tribunal at its works, we felt that we were on
+the fringe of a grave scandal. A picture of the tribunal replete with
+salmon and champagne rose before the mind's eye. But when we learned
+from the Ministerial reply that the refreshment alluded to consisted of
+"tea and bread-and-butter" the vision faded away. Those innocent viands
+could not connote corruption.
+
+_À propos_ of tribunals, the House learned with delight that the
+military representative at Middlesbrough is Mr. HUSTLER HUSTLER.
+Obviously the Government have at last discovered "the man of push and
+go" for whom they were looking a year ago.
+
+Mr. MCKENNA was a little short-tempered this afternoon. He first
+descended heavily upon Mr. SAMUEL SAMUEL, who had suggested that it was
+time to issue another War Loan, instead of borrowing so heavily upon
+Treasury Bills. The hon. member, he declared, had no right to speak for
+that mysterious entity, "the City." When Sir F. BANBURY, who indubitably
+has that right, endorsed Mr. SAMUEL'S appeal, Mr. MCKENNA took refuge
+under a point of order--rather an exiguous form of shelter for a
+Minister of the Crown.
+
+[Illustration: Has Lord Kitchener, in his passionate desire to encourage
+the Volunteers, ever thought of the untapped resources of the Tower of
+London?]
+
+_Tuesday, May 30th._--The uncertainty of the Volunteers as to whether
+they are regarded by the War Office as a very present help in time of
+trouble or as a confounded nuisance will hardly be removed by Lord
+KITCHENER'S speech. True he said many nice things about them, and
+particularly about the behaviour of the Dublin corps during the
+insurrection, but when it came to a tangible recognition of their
+usefulness he had very little to offer. All the money available was
+required for the Army. The Volunteers must be content with such
+part-worn equipment and old-fashioned weapons as he could find them.
+
+On the Consolidated Fund Bill Mr. FELL and other Members for East Anglia
+represented very poignantly the woes inflicted upon their constituencies
+by the air and sea raids. Fishermen and lodging-house keepers were alike
+deprived of their livelihood. Could not the Government do something for
+them, either by billeting soldiers or by direct grants-in-aid?
+
+Mr. HAYES FISHER in reply exuded sympathy at every pore. The previous
+speakers had, as he said, painted "a deplorable picture of gloom," and
+he laid on the colours from an even more opulent palette. But on the
+question of actual relief he was painfully indefinite. Billeting--that
+was a question for the War Office; grants--they were a matter for the
+Treasury. The East Anglers who thought their fish safely hooked had to
+go away empty.
+
+_Wednesday, May 31st._--Not content with having laid sacrilegious hands
+on the clock, the Government have now deranged the calendar and kicked
+Whit-Monday into August. But it is all in the good cause of piling up
+shells against the Bosches, so the House cheerfully approved the PRIME
+MINISTER'S announcement.
+
+For some days there have been rumours of an impending attack upon Lord
+KITCHENER, to be led by Colonel CHURCHILL. Perhaps that was why Mr.
+TENNANT, who moved the Vote for the War Office, decided to get his blow
+in first. His short speech began with a jibe at his critic's strategical
+omniscience, though it is not true that he referred to him as "the right
+hon. and recently gallant gentleman"; proceeded with a denial of most of
+his assumptions, and ended with a high tribute to LORD KITCHENER'S
+prevision in raising a great army to cope with a long war.
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL did not pick up the gage thus ostentatiously thrown
+down, but some of his friends were less discreet, and developed a
+close-range assault upon LORD KITCHENER. The PRIME MINISTER is never
+seen to greater advantage than when he is defending a colleague, and he
+declared that the WAR SECRETARY was personally entitled to the credit
+for the amazing expansion of the army.
+
+Unofficial tributes were not wanting. Sir MARK SYKES asserted that in
+Germany the WAR SECRETARY was feared as a great organiser, while in the
+East his name was one to conjure with; and Sir GEORGE REID declared that
+his chief fault was that he was "not clever at circulating the cheap
+coin of calculated civilities which enable inferior men to rise to
+positions to which they are not entitled."
+
+_Thursday, June 1st_.--In moving that the House should at its rising
+adjourn until June 20th, the PRIME MINISTER felt it necessary to remove
+any impression that the Government, while asking everybody else to
+sacrifice their Whitsun holiday, were themselves going junketing.
+
+Like Old TOM MORRIS, who rebuked a would-be Sunday golfer by saying "if
+you don't want your Sabbath rest the links do," he pointed out that the
+continuous sittings of the House threw a double burden not only upon
+Ministers--one of whom, Mr. RUNCIMAN, has unhappily broken down--but
+also upon the permanent officials. Even Members of Parliament, he slily
+added, might be under a misapprehension in supposing that constant
+attendance at the House was the best way in which they could discharge
+their duty to their country in time of war.
+
+The Nationalist Members are doing their best to "give LLOYD GEORGE a
+chance." True, they ask an inordinate number of questions arising out of
+the hot Easter week in Dublin--when, according to the local wit, it was
+"'98 in the shade"--but otherwise they have sternly repressed any
+tendency to factiousness. Yesterday, when a freelance sought to move the
+adjournment of the House in order to denounce the continuance of martial
+law in Ireland, not a single other Member rose to support him; and
+to-day, though Mr. DILLON could not resist the temptation to make a
+speech on the same subject, he showed a refreshing restraint.
+
+Only once--when he declared that "if you can reach the hearts of the
+Irish people you can do anything with them; but they will not be driven,
+and you cannot crush them"--did his voice approach that painfully high
+pitch which irreverent critics have been known to describe as "Sister
+Mary Jane's top-note."
+
+Mr. ASQUITH in reply was sympathetic but firm. The Government were not
+deaf to the plea for leniency which had been addressed to them by all
+Irish representatives, by Sir EDWARD CARSON as well as by Mr. REDMOND.
+But they could not give an undertaking that there should be an end of
+the courts-martial. As for the persons deported from Ireland, for whom
+Mr. DILLON had specially appealed, it would be more humane in their own
+interests not to bring them to trial at once, for that would mean a crop
+of convictions and sentences which would increase instead of allaying
+the alleged irritation in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_examining recruit_). "And do you always
+stutter like that?"
+
+_Recruit_. "N-n-no, Sir. Only w-w-w-when I t-t-talk."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR developed a really ingenious argument. To show that
+martial law ought now to be dropped he mentioned that if he attempted to
+hold a recruiting meeting in his constituency his life would not be
+worth half-an-hour's purchase. Members who were thinking of spending the
+recess in Ireland were greatly impressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Fishpingle."
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_, "that almighty man, the county god," claimed to
+exercise the same divine right over the souls of his village that he
+exercised, in the matter of breeding, over the bodies of his cattle and
+pigs. Nothing, I think, has brought the present War more closely home to
+my bosom than the humours of this feudal relic--taken in all seriousness
+by everyone, including the author. It seems almost inconceivable that
+Mr. VACHELL's play deals with conditions that still survived only a few
+years ago. Yet the Squire's devotion to the science of eugenics
+establishes its date as quite recent. It was his sole taint of
+modernity; and indeed where his own son's marriage was concerned he
+omitted to apply his scientific principles, and made a choice for him in
+which no regard was paid to eugenics, but only to established social
+traditions.
+
+At first the play opened up prospects of a pleasant gaiety. A love
+scene, conducted in a rich Western brogue, between the _Squire_'s
+footman and his still-room maid, and the embarrassment caused by her
+eagerness to learn the philosophy of "eujanics," were full of promise.
+It was confirmed by the appearance of Mr. AINLEY, whose manner reminded
+us of his many triumphs in the art of eccentric detachment. His
+part--the title-rôle--was that of _Sir Geoffrey's_ faithful butler, on
+such familiar, though respectful, terms with his master that the two
+sipped port together in the former's room in broad daylight while
+discussing family matters. They took an unconscionable time about it,
+but, as I said, it promised well. However, Mr. VACHELL had other designs
+than our mere amusement. We were not to have our comedy without paying
+for it with our heart's blood. Very soon the shadow of melodramatic
+pathos and mystery crept over the sunny scene. _Fishpingle_ takes a box
+from a cupboard and glances at a miniature and a bundle of letters.
+There is illegitimacy in the air, and a lady near me in the stalls
+confides to her neighbour that "he's the _Squire's_ half-brother." I
+can't think where she got her information, for the rest of us never
+learned the facts of the mystery till the very end of the evening, and
+even then the details of _Fishpingle's_ origin only transpired (as they
+say) under extreme pressure arising out of his dismissal by his master
+on the strength of a violent disagreement about fundamentals.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey's_ father, it seems, had before his marriage run away with
+a girl not of his own rank, who had generously refused to spoil the
+family tree by marrying him; and _Fishpingle_ was the result. You might
+judge from the peculiarity of his surname that the matter was taken
+lightly by his parents. But you would be wrong. His mother died when he
+was born, and his first name (for I cannot call it a Christian name) was
+_Benoni_, which, being interpreted, means "the child of sorrow." _Sir
+Geoffrey's_ grandmother, who had discouraged the legal adjustment of the
+relationship between the lovers, had tried to repair matters by
+educating _Fishpingle_ above the obscurity of his irregular birth; hence
+his comparative erudition, rare in a butler.
+
+[Illustration: THE BREED OF THE POMFRETS.
+
+_Fishpingle_ (_to himself_). "How anybody can fail to see the
+extraordinary family likeness between us I cannot imagine."
+
+_Fishpingle_.... Mr. Henry Ainley.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_. Mr. Allan Aynesworth.]
+
+Now the opening of the play had put me into a mood which was not the
+right one for the reception of this extract from a deplorable past. Some
+comedies would be all the better for a little tragic relief; but this
+was too much. Mr. VACHELL had no business to give his play a title like
+_Fishpingle_. He should have called it "Nature's Nobleman, or The
+Tragical Romance of a Faithful Butler's Birth," and then I might have
+known what to expect. As it was I felt aggrieved. It was not, of course,
+a question of asking for my money back at the doors (critics, to be just
+to them, never do this in the case of a complimentary seat), but I felt
+I had a right to protest against this attempt to harrow my
+heart-strings, attuned as they were to the key of comedy, with a painful
+drama dating back to more than half a century before the rise of the
+curtain, and with its chief actors all dead. And the irritating mystery
+in which it was wrapped only made things worse. Further, I suffered a
+considerable strain on both my head and my heart in consequence of
+obscure hints (vaguely involving a photograph on his mantelpiece) as to
+the reason why _Fishpingle_ remained a bachelor to the bitter end.
+
+But I am ashamed to appear flippant, for Mr. AINLEY played with
+exquisite feeling and a fine sincerity. And I have to thank Mr. VACHELL
+for giving us some excellent studies of character--not character
+developed before our eyes by circumstance (except perhaps a little at
+the last), but admirably observed as a kind of fixture to be taken with
+the house.
+
+And if the play is not quite on the high level of Mr. GALSWORTHY'S _The
+Eldest Son_, which it faintly recalls, it is much more worthy of Mr.
+VACHELL'S gifts than the poor thing, _Penn_, which died so young. Also
+he is very much more fortunate this time in his cast. Miss MARION TERRY,
+as _Lady Pomfret_, was a pattern of sweet graciousness; and Mr. ALLAN
+AYNESWORTH was at his happiest as _Sir Geoffrey_. And the two pairs of
+lovers, Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND and Miss MAUD BELL above stairs, and Mr.
+REGINALD BACH and Miss DORIS LYTTON below (they were really all of them
+on the ground floor, the butler's room being the common trysting-place),
+served as delightful examples of natural selection--both on their own
+part and that of the management--and were as fresh and healthy as the
+most eugenical could desire.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Daddy Long-Legs."
+
+_Daddy Long-Legs_ is a pleasant American sentimental comedy made by JEAN
+WEBSTER out of her very jolly book, and not so sticky as some of our
+importations of the same general type. The four Acts are phases in the
+development of _Judy_ (or _Jerusha_) _Abbott_, orphan; and, as normally
+happens in book-plays, development is extremely abrupt. Act I. shows us
+_Judy_ as the drudge of the orphanage breaking into flame of rebellion
+on the day of the visit of the trustees. Naturally the trustees are all
+trustees _pour rire_, except one real good rich man, _Jervis Pendleton_,
+who admires the orphan's spirit, and decides that she is to have her
+chance at his charges; but is on no account to know her benefactor.
+
+In Act II., a year later, _Judy_ is not merely the most popular but the
+best dressed girl in her college. She still dreams about her unknown
+benefactor, whom she calls _Daddy Long-Legs_, and assumes to be a hoary
+old man. _Pendleton_ comes to Commem., or its equivalent, to have a peep
+at his ward, and loses his heart. In the Third Act, three years later,
+our heroine is a famous author, and _Pendleton_, coming (still incog.)
+to propose, is refused by a _Judy_ who has taken to worrying unduly (and
+not altogether convincingly, if you ask me) about her lack of family.
+And, of course, in Act IV., wedding bells.
+
+Miss RENÉE KELLY has a charming personality, and a smile which alone is
+worth going to see. She trounced the matron and the incredible trustees
+with a fierce fury, and seemed to have easy command of the changes of
+mood and tense which her fast-moving circumstances required. A pretty
+twinkling star. Mr. CHARLES WALDRON is a skilful actor. If he, perhaps,
+grimaced a little too much by way of not letting us miss the obvious
+points of the little mystery, he made as admirable a proposal of
+marriage as I have ever heard on the stage (or off it for that matter,
+with perhaps one exception); but to suppose that so accomplished a lover
+would accept a mere mournful shake of the head as a final refusal is
+simply too absurd. Miss FAY DAVIS made quite a little triumph of gentle
+gracious kindliness out of one of those potentially tiresome explanatory
+parts without which no mystifications can be contrived. Miss KATE JEPSON
+is a comédienne of rich grain, and gave a very amusing study of the
+hero's old nurse. Miss JEAN GADELL, that clever specialist in dour
+unpleasant stage women, made a properly repulsive thing out of the
+matron of the orphanage. Mr. HYLTON ALLEN scored his points as a comic
+lover with droll effect. If the distinctly clever children of the home
+(_Judy_ excepted) had been effectively put on the contraband list I
+should not have worried. They were unduly noisy (for art, not for life
+perhaps), and they overdid their parts, being not only rowdy in the
+absence, and abject in the presence, of authority, but different kinds
+of children--not merely the same children in two moods.
+
+Altogether a pleasant play pleasantly and competently performed.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CABINET LEEKAGE."--Daily Paper.
+
+Now why, we wonder, do they spell it that way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Alleged Cannibalism in the German Navy.
+
+    "The prisoners got the same food as the submarine crew. Here is
+    the bill of fare: Breakfast consisted of coffee, black bread,
+    submarine commander and he pilot."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Jimmy Wilde, the fly-weight champion, took part in two contests
+    at Woolwich on Saturday, winning them both with great ease.
+    Darkey Saunders, Camberwell, was beaten in three
+    months."--_Burton Daily Mail._
+
+The reporter also seems to have been knocked out of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the area of the garden cannot be increased, the quantity and
+    quality of the crops should be improved by the extra hour of
+    daylight."--_The Times._
+
+For this discovery our contemporary is hereby recommended for the famous
+Chinese Order of the Excellent Crop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A letter sent on Friday saying, 'We are starting a central mess
+    for 1,200 men on Monday,' and asking: 'Can you send cooks?'
+    brings as a reply 24 trained women cooks, who roll up their
+    sleeves and cook breakfast for the number stated inside 12
+    hours!"
+
+    _The Times._
+
+What was breakfast to some must have been supper to others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSINGS ON MILK-CANS.
+
+  When I travel up to London by an early morning train
+  Or return into the country when the day is on the wane,
+      At the smallest railway station
+      There's a dreadful demonstration
+  Which causes me unmitigated pain.
+
+  I'm aware that milk is needed for our infant girls and boys;
+  That it aids adult dyspeptics to regain "digestive poise";
+      But I've never comprehended
+      Why its transport is attended
+  By the maximum of diabolic noise.
+
+  I admit the railway porter who can deftly twirl a can
+  In each hand along the platform is no ordinary man;
+      But what kills me is the banging
+      And the clashing and the clanging
+  As he hurls them in or hauls them from the van.
+
+  Now if some new material for these vessels could be found--
+  Non-metallic and in consequence a silencer of sound--
+      There would be within our borders
+      Fewer nerve and brain disorders
+  And more of moral uplift to go round.
+
+  I know a dashing journalist, a credit to his trade,
+  Who's always in the thick of it whenever there's a raid.
+      Bombs of various sorts and sizes
+      He describes and analyses,
+  But he can't endure a long milk-cannonade.
+
+  I've written to our Member, Dr. Philadelphus Snell,
+  To ask a question in the House--I think he'd do it well--
+      If our cows' nerves should be mangled
+      By the way their milk is jangled;
+  And, if he doesn't play, I'll try GINNELL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German Emperor and the Crown Prince._)
+
+_The German Emperor._ Sit down, won't you?
+
+_The Crown Prince._ Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing. One's legs get
+so cramped in a motor-car.
+
+_The G. E._ Sit down!
+
+_The C. P._ Really, I----
+
+_The G. E._ SIT DOWN!!
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll--yes, yes,
+there I am. Are you happy now?
+
+_The G. E._ I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence from a
+whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty----
+
+_The C. P._ I know what you're going to say: if you did your duty you'd
+have me arrested and packed off to prison. Isn't that it? Yes, I thought
+so. You want to be like old FREDERICK WILLIAM. He had FREDERICK THE
+GREAT sentenced to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence
+carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. FREDERICK WILLIAM was mad,
+you know--as mad as a hatter, and----
+
+_The G. E._ Stop it. I will not have you add to your other misdeeds the
+crime of irreverence against one of the greatest and worthiest members
+of our royal House.
+
+_The C. P._ Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare say you regret
+that, but there it is, and you won't alter it by glaring at me and
+threatening me with your moustache. I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof
+by this time.
+
+_The G. E._ What have I done to deserve such a son?
+
+_The C. P._ If it comes to that there's another way of putting it. What
+have _I_ done to deserve such a father?--that's what I might ask; but
+I'm too respectful, too careful of your feelings. And what's my reward?
+You're always nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why can't
+you give it a rest?
+
+_The G. E._ This is beyond endurance. But it has always been the same
+from the time you cut your teeth until now--no filial piety, no
+consideration for your mother and me; only a cross-grained selfishness
+and bad temper. What happened in India?
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going over that old story again, I'm off.
+
+_The G. E._ _Donnerwetter noch einmal!_ Sit still, I tell you. I say
+again, what happened in India? You never thought of ingratiating
+yourself with the native chiefs. You couldn't even keep your engagements
+or be punctual. All you thought of was running after some girl whose
+face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have kept you at home
+or sent you to London. What a creature to be a Crown Prince!
+
+_The C. P. (wearily)._ There you go again. But I protest against such
+treatment. I'd far rather be back before Verdun with old VON HÄSELER
+grandmothering me all over the place.
+
+_The G. E._ I wonder you dare to mention the word Verdun in my presence.
+
+_The C. P._ Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself Commander of the
+Verdun armies. You did that, and I've done my best to obey your orders
+and those of the High Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose
+thousands upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do be reasonable,
+my respected father. It was you who wanted Verdun. You won't be happy
+till you get it, and if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an
+old shoe without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if we
+succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the credit of it. If
+Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick time to take the salute in
+your shining----
+
+_The G. E._ Silence, jackanapes!
+
+_The C. P._ And if we don't get through poor old VON HÄSELER will have
+to retire. You'll send him your photograph in a gold frame to console
+him, just as you consoled BISMARCK. Pity there's no BISMARCK now.
+However, we can't have everything, can we?
+
+(_Left quarrelling._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames
+    Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat."
+
+    _The Journal (Calcutta)._
+
+This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines have no
+doubt before now been accounted for by our naval rams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph of
+    organisation.' Is it not simpler to say--that when a man knows
+    exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should
+    be done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his
+    requirements to what is possible; and then, by far the most
+    important thing of all, can so deal with the many under his
+    command that each is most furiously anxious to do what the
+    leader wants--why then, things go right."--_Westminster
+    Gazette._
+
+The answer is in the negative.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of
+    this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at
+    Oxford later on, and seems to have got the best out of both
+    forms of training--the unhasting and unresting labour of 'the
+    Shop,' which aims only at making competent gunners and sappers,
+    and the easy-going round of University life which enlarges one's
+    sympathy and stimulates the imagination."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that the writer of the
+above extract must also have been at Oxford, where the imagination gets
+stimulated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy)._ "Ullo,
+Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?"
+
+_Lady._ "Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it. They
+don't seem to like it much."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT NEUTRAL.
+
+I am the Neutral Journalist who wanders round Europe. I am absolutely
+impartial. I am absolutely trustworthy. My perfect integrity is vouched
+for at the head of all my articles. Pleasant it is to come over to
+London, sell one set of articles to the Boom Press and another to the
+Gloom Press, and then sit down with smiling face and begin an article
+for Germany: "I sit in a hovel amongst the ruins of Fleet Street, with
+the wreck of the armoured fort of St. Paul's in view. I hear a stir
+outside. A wild mob of conscientious objectors is beating a recruiting
+officer to death. Such things happen hourly in defeated Albion." My
+series of London, Liverpool, Manchester and Birmingham--all in
+ashes--has proved so successful that I propose to cover all the large
+towns and construct a Baedeker of ruins.
+
+Yet I pride myself more on my work for England's Press. My German
+articles have all to be in the same vein. Only the Boom Press exists in
+Germany. But in England one can vary one's view and do artistic work.
+You must have read my story of the struggle for the last sausage in a
+Frankfort butcher's shop--how the troops intervened and the crowd
+attacked them, and how ultimately 1,400 civilians were mown down with
+machine guns--and the sausage was eaten by the General Officer
+commanding the Army Corps that suppressed the rising. You must also have
+seen my description of the KAISER--his white hair, bent shoulders,
+deathlike look as he passed, protected by his Guards from the wild fury
+of the Berlin mob. Of course I have another KAISER, the bright smiling
+man whose youth seems to have been renewed by the War, who waves his
+hand to the madly enthusiastic crowds waiting round the Palace for a
+glimpse of their divinity.
+
+You must have read my secret interviews with distinguished Germans, who
+whispered to me that HINDENBURG had thrown down his sword and declared
+that if the useless slaughter did not cease he would march on Berlin. I
+have told you their promises of bloody revolutions and fierce risings.
+Also I have given you interviews with other distinguished Germans, who
+confided to me that now Germany could turn out one submarine and one
+Zeppelin every week-day and two on Sundays, and I have thrilled you with
+the details of the great trade war which will come directly peace is
+declared, when Germany will win back all her wealth by selling
+everything fifty per cent. below cost.
+
+How my dinners vary in that strange Teutonic land! I pay twenty marks
+for two tiny slices of fish, a thin piece of indigestible potato bread,
+and a section of rancid sausage. At other times I spend two marks and
+get a delightful meal which could not be procured in a London restaurant
+for five shillings. I walk through Berlin and see scarcely a cripple or
+a wounded man. I let you know that ninety-five per cent. of German
+wounded, owing to the skill of German doctors, go back to the Front in a
+week. To other English readers I confide that all the maimed, wounded
+and blind are sent into the very centre of Germany. There are huge
+districts without a whole man in them.
+
+Did you ask for the actual facts? I will give you one--and it is this:
+the only persons in Germany whose waist-measurements have increased in
+the War are the neutral journalists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _Hearts of Alsace_ (SMITH, ELDER) your interest will be held less by
+the actual story than by the profoundly moving and poignant picture that
+Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS has drawn of life in the Reichsland under the
+increasing burden of Prussian tyranny. It is a picture that one feels to
+be absolutely true. The author writes of what she knows. This Alsatian
+family--old _Jean Barthélemy_, the city father, crushed and embittered
+by the fate of his loved Mulhouse; his two daughters and the circle of
+their friends within the town--all live and move and look longingly
+towards the West, as so many others must have done these forty and odd
+years past. The plot, what there is of it, concerns the clandestine love
+of _Claire_, the petted younger daughter of the Gley house, for an
+officer in the conqueror's host, whom she had met during a visit to
+Strasburg. _Claire_ marries her _Kurt_, a shady worthless knave, and, as
+the book ends with the outbreak of war, is left to an unknown fate. Very
+stirring are the chapters that tell of the tumult of emotion that broke
+loose when the French guns were heard in Mulhouse; though here--as in
+all those war stories whose only satisfactory end is the final confusion
+of Kaiserdom--one feels that there is a chapter yet to be added. Miss
+BETHAM-EDWARDS writes with all the vigour (I might add all the
+garrulity) of intense personal feeling. Her book, as a race study, is a
+real contribution to the literature of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+These are days in which some measure of sacrifice is rightly considered
+the common duty of everyone, so long as it is sacrifice with an object.
+Perhaps this consideration gives me less patience with the preposterous
+kind, which, as a motive in fiction, usually consists in the hero
+inviting all and sundry to trample upon his prospects and reputation.
+This is what the chief character in _Proud Peter_ (HUTCHINSON) did. He
+began by allowing it to be supposed that he was the father of his
+brother's illegitimate child, the bright peculiar fatuousness of which
+pretence was that thereby the said brother was enabled to marry, and
+break the heart of, the heroine, whom, of course, Peter himself adored.
+Also, many years after, when the child, now an objectionable young man,
+nay more, an actor, was pursuing another heroine with his unwelcome
+attentions, he very nearly spiked _Peter's_ guns, on being threatened,
+by exclaiming, "I am thy son"--or words to that effect. Fortunately,
+however, there existed, as I had somehow known would be the case, a
+signed photograph that put all that right. Why, I wonder, is Mr. W. E.
+NORRIS always so sharp with the dramatic profession? Was it not in one
+of his earlier stories that somebody quite seriously questions whether a
+good actor can also be a good man? On the whole, as you may have
+gathered, while I should call Proud Peter a comfortable tale of the
+eupeptic type, I enjoyed it rather less than other stories from the same
+facile pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTHUR GREEN'S _The Story of a Prisoner of War_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) can
+be recommended to all who can still digest the uncooked facts. "I can
+swear," he says, "that all that is written is Gospel truth," but without
+any such assurance it would be impossible for even the most sceptical to
+doubt the writer's honesty. Wounded and taken prisoner in August, 1914,
+he suffered severely at the hands of the Germans, and his account of the
+camp at Wittenburg does nothing to decrease one's loathing for that
+pestilential spot. For many reasons it gives that a civilized race can
+sink to such depths of cruelty and cowardice. Perhaps the only people to
+whom it will give any comfort are those who have sent food and clothing
+to our prisoners. But I am glad that this book came my way, because I
+would choose to read facts of the War baldly written by a soldier rather
+than any war fiction composed by imaginative civilians. "Of course I'm
+not an author," he writes, and as far as grammar and spelling go it is
+not for me to contradict him, but he has seen and suffered, and in these
+days no one who has handled a bayonet need apologise for taking a turn
+with a pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Encouraged, no doubt, by the reception accorded to that cheery little
+volume, _Minor Horrors of War_, its author, Dr. A. E. SHIPLEY, has now
+followed it with an equally entertaining sequel in More Minor Horrors
+(SMITH, ELDER). This deals more especially with the pests attached to
+the Senior Service, and familiar to those who go down to the sea in
+ships--the Cockroach, the Mosquito, the Rat, the Biscuit-Weevil and
+others. Of each Dr. SHIPLEY has some pleasant word of instruction or
+comment to say, in his own highly entertaining manner. I like, for
+example, his remark about the mosquito (whose infinite variety is
+recognised in no fewer than five chapters), that, if he could talk, the
+burden of his song would be that of the guests at the dinner-party in
+_David Copperfield_--"Give us blood!" And I found good omen in the
+cockroach world on learning that _Periplaneta Orientalis_, or the common
+English sort, has _P. Germanica_ thoroughly beat in the matter of
+empire-building. In short, Dr. SHIPLEY'S second volume, like his first,
+combines instruction with amusement, and is well worth its modest
+eighteen-pence to those on land who may wish to learn about the intimate
+associates of their dear ones who are defending them upon the sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"In the Midst of Life----"
+
+    "Good Greengrocer and Mixed Business, sure living; death cause
+    of leaving."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Author (dictating)._ "'The room was filled with
+dynamite, gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, cans of petrol and other high
+explosives. A train of powder had been laid and was swiftly burning its
+way to the heap of combustibles. Clarence, tied to a post, listened to
+the retreating footsteps of the Huns, a smile of contempt curling his
+sensitive nostrils.' Clarence is in a tight place, Miss Brown, and I
+don't know yet how we'll get him out of it. Can you suggest anything?"
+
+_Amanuensis (brightly)._ "Why not have peace proclaimed?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 23064-8.txt or 23064-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 7, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: October 17, 2007  [eBook #23064]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>June 7, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg 369]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>A correspondent writes to tell us of
+a painful experience which he has had
+in consequence of his efforts to practise
+war-time economy in the matter of
+dress. The other evening, after going
+to bed at dusk in order to save artificial
+light, he was rung up by the police
+at 1 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> and charged with showing a
+light. It appears that he had gone to
+bed with his blind up, after throwing
+his well-worn trousers over the back of
+a chair, and that the rays of a street
+lamp had caught the glossy sheen of
+this garment and been reflected into
+the eagle eye of the constable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to a Reuter's message the
+Greeks are "much preoccupied" at the
+seizure of strategic positions on Greek
+territory by Bulgarian troops. The
+preoccupation, it is thought, should
+have been done by the Allies.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>While he was on his way to make
+a Memorial Day speech at Kansas City,
+Mo., an open knife was thrown at Ex-President
+<span class="sc">Roosevelt</span>. Some of his bitterest
+friends in the journalistic world
+allege that it was just a paper knife.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Last week a number of professional
+fortune-tellers were fined at Southend
+for having predicted Zeppelins. The
+fraudulent nature of their pretensions
+was sufficiently manifest, since even the
+authorities had been unable to foresee
+the coming of the Zeppelins until some
+time after they had arrived.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The export of sardines in oil from
+Sweden is prohibited. Some resentment
+is felt at the order by the
+Germans, who with their customary
+ingenuity have for some time been
+importing india-rubber sardines in
+petrol without detection.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A soldier at Salonika has sent a live
+tortoise home to his relatives at Streatham.
+The tortoise, it is understood,
+was too fidgety to bear up against its
+surroundings and was sent home for
+a little excitement.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>If, on the other hand, the tortoise was
+just sent as a souvenir we should discourage
+the practice. The tendency on
+the part of our soldiers in India and
+Egypt to send home elephants and
+camels as mementos of the localities
+in which they are serving is already
+putting something of a strain upon the
+postal authorities.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From "The World of Letters" in
+<i>The Observer</i>: "Some day there will
+be a cheap edition of Captain Ian Hay's
+war book, <i>The First Four Hundred</i>,
+and the sale will be immense.... The
+Blackwoods are old-fashioned modest
+people, who do not parade figures...."
+In the present case, however, we do
+not think they would have objected to
+the reviewer parading a further 99,600
+in the title of <span class="sc">Ian Hay's</span> book.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The question of alien waiters in
+London hotels rests with those who
+patronise the hotels," says a contemporary.
+In other words, the pernicious
+practice which had grown up before
+the War of ordering German waiters
+with one's dinner must be abandoned
+before the hotel managers will remove
+them permanently from their menus.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Bridge</span> has come
+out with a strong denunciation of
+"devilry" in German music. How
+little we suspected, before the War
+opened our deluded eyes, that it was
+no mere lack of skill but the fierce
+promptings of a demoniac hate that
+marred our evenings on the esplanade.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From The <i>Northern Whig's</i> account
+of a visit to the Cruiser Fleet:&mdash;"It
+was a proud moment when from the
+deck of a fast-moving destroyer the long
+lines of the mighty Armada, with here
+and there the neat little pinnacles
+darting in and out, were surveyed."
+Obviously a misprint for binnacles.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/369a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Vivian Vavasour, the melodrama actor.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/369b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">delights in the comparative peace of the trenches.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg 370]</span>
+
+<h2>THE AMUSED AND THE AMUSERS.</h2>
+
+<p>All the windows of the V.A.D. hospital
+were brilliantly lighted up, and
+through them floated the strains of a
+piano and occasional bursts of laughter.
+Number One Ward, however, was quite
+empty except for my friend, Private
+McPhee, stalking majestically up and
+down as if on sentry go, wearing a "fit
+of the blues" several sizes too large for
+him and an expression which would,
+I believe, be described by kailyard
+novelists as "dour."</p>
+
+<p>"Bong jaw, Mademawselle," he exclaimed,
+bringing his stick smartly to
+the salute, "or rather bong saw, tae be
+correct."</p>
+
+<p>McPhee has affected the Gallic
+tongue since his sojourn in France.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, what are you doing all by
+yourself, McPhee?" I asked. "Are you
+on duty?"</p>
+
+<p>"Na, na," he said, "ah'm pleasin'
+masel just."</p>
+
+<p>He paused and emitted a fierce
+chuckle.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah'm gettin' even," he announced;
+"they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman."</p>
+
+<p>"But whatever made them want you
+to do that, McPhee?"</p>
+
+<p>"One o' thae nurses," continued the
+patient smoulderingly. "Ah fought at
+Mons, an' Ah fought at New Chapelle,
+an' Ah fought at Wipers, that's what
+ignorant pairsons ca' Eepers; and they
+wantit me to gang oot wi' a wumman.
+Why for did they no send me oot to
+fight the Jairmans in a peerambulator?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," I said, at last enlightened.
+"But surely, McPhee, the nurses are
+very nice. And think how hurt they
+will be if you won't go out with them."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah'm no denyin' some o' them are
+a' recht," said McPhee grudgingly,
+"but it's a maitter o' preenciple. An'
+I'm gettin' even wi' them the noo!"</p>
+
+<p>He chuckled again.</p>
+
+<p>"But how are you getting even?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah'm no dressin' up for them,"
+said the vengeful one; "ye ken thae
+nurses are havin' a kin' of a bairthday
+pairty or the like, an' a' the men's
+dressed up to please them. An' if Ah
+canna gang oot to please masel, Ah
+canna dress oop like a monkeyback to
+please them.</p>
+
+<p>"They wantit me to dress up for
+<span class="sc">Chairlie Chaplin</span>. Man, the nurse was
+argle-barglin' a clock hour tryin' to persuade
+me to put thae claes on. 'Oh,
+do' (he squeaked), 'to please me,
+McPhee.' ... But Ah wouldna. Ah
+turnit ma face to the wa' an' wouldna
+speak a wurrd.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye ken, the ward that gets the
+maist votes gets a prize, an' thae nurses
+is awfu' set on their ward winnin' it.
+Ah could ha' won it for Number One.
+Fine cud I. Ah can turn masel oot
+so's my ain brither couldna tell me from
+<span class="sc">Harry Lauder</span>. But Ah wouldna. If
+I canna gang oot&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>At this point the door opened and a
+dejected apparition in a ruff and petticoats,
+like a rumpled remnant of a pre-war
+pageant, drifted in and sat down
+on a bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah weel, Queen Elizabeth, hae
+they dune wi' ye yet?" inquired
+McPhee sardonically.</p>
+
+<p>Gloriana shook his head. "They're
+playin' musical chairs," he said gloomily,
+"so I thought as I wouldn't be missed
+for a bit. This thing round my neck
+does tickle, but my nurse'd be awful
+'urt if I took it off."</p>
+
+<p>McPhee emitted an ejaculation&mdash;Gaelic,
+I believe&mdash;usually expressed in
+writing "Mphm."</p>
+
+<p>"Sma' things," he said, "please sma'
+minds.... Wha won the prize?"</p>
+
+<p>"Number Two Ward," said Queen
+Elizabeth indifferently, "sweets.
+They're eatin' 'em. They'll have
+stummick-aches to-morrer.... But
+there&mdash;it's the least as we can do to
+let the nurses 'ave their bit o' fun."</p>
+
+<p>Nurse Robinson hurried up to me on
+my way out. I thought her looking a
+trifle anxious.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm feeling rather worried about
+one of my men," she began, "Private
+McPhee. I wonder if you saw him just
+now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes," I said, "we had quite a
+long chat."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'm so glad," she exclaimed,
+"I was really quite afraid he was
+wrong in his head. Do you know, he
+simply refused to dress up for the
+party ... and you know how they
+love dressing up! Such a good dress,
+too&mdash;<span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span>.... And I
+couldn't get a word out of him! Wasn't
+it strange?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very," I said; "convalescents get
+all kinds of fancies, don't they? And
+was the party a success?"</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid!" she said, brightening
+up. "Of course it's meant a lot of
+work. We've been toiling early and
+late at the costumes. But I'm sure
+it's worth it. It does please the poor
+fellows. Draws them out of themselves,
+don't you know."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a Company notice-board at
+the Front:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Men must again be warned about matter
+they are putting in their letters. No places
+where we are or where we are going to are
+not to be divulged. Those having done so in
+their letters have been obliterated."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We had no notion that the Military
+Censorship was so drastic as that.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A FANTASY.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If you were a white rose Columbine</p>
+<p class="i4">And I were a Harlequin,</p>
+<p>I'd leap and sway on my spangled hips</p>
+<p>And blow you a kiss with my finger tips</p>
+<p>To woo a smile to your petal lips</p>
+<p class="i4">At every glittering spin.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If I were a pig-tailed Buccaneer</p>
+<p class="i4">And you were a Bristol Girl,</p>
+<p>A-rolling home from over the sea</p>
+<p>I'd give you a hug on the landing quay,</p>
+<p>A hook-nosed parrot that swore like me,</p>
+<p class="i4">And a brooch of mother-o'-pearl.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If you were a Donna of old Castile</p>
+<p class="i4">And a Troubadour were I,</p>
+<p>I'd sing at night beneath your room</p>
+<p>And weave you dreams in a minstrel's loom</p>
+<p>With rainbow tears and the roses' bloom</p>
+<p class="i4">And star-shine out of the sky.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If I were a powdered Exquisite</p>
+<p class="i4">And you were a fair Bellairs,</p>
+<p>I'd press your hand in the gay pavane;</p>
+<p>And whisper under your painted fan</p>
+<p>As I bowed you into your blue sedan</p>
+<p class="i4">At the old Assembly stairs.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If you were a <span class="sc">Watteau</span> Shepherdess</p>
+<p class="i4">And I were a gipsy lad,</p>
+<p>I'd teach you tunes that the blackbird trills</p>
+<p>And show you the dance of the daffodils,</p>
+<p>The white moon rising over the hills,</p>
+<p class="i4">And Night in her jewels clad.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If you were the Queen of Make-believe</p>
+<p class="i4">And I were a Prince o' Dream,</p>
+<p>We'd dress the world in a rich romance</p>
+<p>With Pans a-piping and Queens that dance,</p>
+<p>With plume and mantle and rapier glance</p>
+<p class="i2"> And Beauty's eyes a-gleam.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If I were a Poet, sweet, my own,</p>
+<p class="i4">And you were my Lady true,</p>
+<p>I'd hymn your praise by night and morn</p>
+<p>With golden notes through a silver horn</p>
+<p>That unborn men in an age unborn</p>
+<p class="i4">Might glow with a dream of you!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Not Founder's Kin.</h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+"The Archbishop of Perth has received
+news that he has been appointed an honorary
+Fellow of Cain's College, Cambridge."</blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Church Standard</i> (<i>Sydney, N.S.W.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>According to <i>The Somerset and Wilts
+Journal</i> the songs sung by the boys
+and girls of the Radstock National
+Schools on Empire Day included
+"Raise the Flagon High." We cannot
+but think this Bacchic theme a little
+unsuitable for our youthful songsters.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg 371]</span>
+
+<h3>A WORKING HOLIDAY.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Coker-Nut.</span> "WHIT-MONDAY AND NOTHING DOING!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Roundabout Horse.</span> "WELL, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT WITH A WAR ON? THEY'VE
+ALL GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg 372]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<h3>XLI.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Charles</span>,&mdash;They say we
+fight for money, do they? Well, so
+we do, and it's a long hard fight, and
+it's a good soldier who wins against
+that firmly entrenched enemy, the
+Command Paymaster.</p>
+
+<p>When this War is over I shall take
+all my money out of the Bank of England
+and, putting it in a paper bag and
+not troubling to tie it up, I shall just
+hand it to the C.P.M. and say, "Hang
+on to this, will you, till I come back?"
+Mark my words: if I'm away for fifty
+years or so, every penny of it will be
+there when I return. It isn't
+his habit to part with other
+people's money entrusted to
+his keeping.</p>
+
+<p>I have a sergeant, an honest
+upright man with no complications
+in his past, except that
+he is a Scot by birth and,
+happening to be there at the
+outbreak, enlisted in Canada.
+By reason of his uncertain
+movements he is unable to
+draw his food in the usual
+way, and yet insists, tiresomely,
+on being fed. So I
+said he'd better feed himself,
+and I claimed an authority for
+him to draw ration money
+in lieu of rations. Having
+weathered all the storms of
+an administrative correspondence,
+we eventually came by
+the authority itself. This was
+a great and happy day in the
+lives of myself and the forty-nine
+other officers who had by
+this time become involved in
+the affair. "Sgt. Blank is
+authorised to draw ration
+money in lieu of rations as
+from March 1st, 1916," I read
+to him, and sighed with relief. But it
+was a premature sigh. The trouble
+was only just beginning.</p>
+
+<p>"One-and-eightpence a day, no less,
+you get, Sergeant," I said.</p>
+
+<p>He was by now an old hand. "One-and-eightpence
+a day I am authorized
+to get, Sir," he corrected me.</p>
+
+<p>A man not easily depressed, he took
+a cheerful view of the preliminary
+condition that he was paid monthly, in
+arrear. He proposed to spend his
+meal-times, during the rationless and
+moneyless days of March, reading the
+correspondence; quite enough to engage
+a man's whole attention during at least
+that period.</p>
+
+<p>April 1st, 1916, duly arrived, and
+with it the renewal of the Sergeant's
+food question, "What, again?" I
+asked, irritably.</p>
+
+<p>But the Field Cashier, who was first
+approached on April 3rd, wasn't in
+the least irritated. The subject interested
+him from the start. Moreover,
+argumentative by nature though he
+undoubtedly was, he was all anxiety to
+pay. First, however, there were one or
+two trifling formalities to be observed.
+"You see," he explained, "I can only
+pay out upon an authority."</p>
+
+<p>With some confidence and no little
+pride we opened our despatch-case
+and produced our correspondence. He
+read every word of it; his pay corporal
+did the same, and very kindly
+explained it to us all as he went along.
+"This," they agreed, "is your authority
+to get the money. What I want is
+an authority to pay it." With expressions
+of mutual esteem we parted
+for the day, agreeing to give the matter
+our most earnest consideration during
+the week which must elapse before
+his return for the next pay-day.</p>
+
+<p>We spent a busy week interviewing
+the forty-nine officers and anyone else
+we could get to listen. Only from the
+Camp Commandant did we get anything
+approaching enthusiasm. Camp
+Commandants are men of a patient
+disposition and a never-failing sympathy;
+what is better still, they
+invariably possess a Sergeant-Major
+of unscrupulous if altruistic cunning.
+We presented ourselves at the pay-office,
+on April 10th, armed with every
+possible form of literature, over the
+Camp Commandant's signature, which
+any reasonable Field Cashier could
+possibly want to read.</p>
+
+<p>The Field Cashier was very pleased
+to see us; we were very pleased to see
+him. It was a most happy reunion.
+Only the Command Paymaster's presence
+was wanted to make the thing
+a success. The Field Cashier gave
+his address, dispensed with the
+Sergeant's presence at all future meetings,
+and postponed all further proceedings
+in the matter till April 17th.</p>
+
+<p>If there was any lack of graciousness
+in the correspondence with the C.P.M.,
+this was, I must at once say, on my
+side. He wanted to oblige, but, being
+human, he must have his authority.</p>
+
+<p>I sent him the authority to
+get and the authority to pay.
+His reply was to the effect
+that both were perfectly delightful
+and in the very best
+taste, but what was wanted
+before he could authorize payment
+was an authority to have
+the account in England credited
+with the necessary fund.</p>
+
+<p>For the first time in my life
+I positively loathed England.</p>
+
+<p>Bit by bit, however, the
+C.P.M. softened; but he
+hadn't softened quite enough
+to satisfy our Field Cashier by
+April 24th. It was not till
+May 1st that he gave in altogether,
+and went so far as to
+send a chit to the Camp Commandant,
+authorising him to
+receive for me the Sergeant's
+money. Meanwhile we had
+discovered the private residence
+or funk-hole of our
+F.C., and conversations became
+daily.</p>
+
+<p>The defect on May 2nd was
+that the Camp Commandant
+hadn't signed the right receipt.</p>
+
+<p>The defect on May 3rd was
+that I hadn't got the right receipt to
+sign.</p>
+
+<p>The defect on May 4th was&mdash;yes,
+hunger had got the better of the Sergeant.
+Though he had got the right
+receipt and signed it, he had signed it
+in the wrong place.</p>
+
+<p>On May 5th I procured a light lorry,
+packed into it the Camp Commandant,
+the Sergeant, myself, as many of the
+forty-nine officers as I could lure, pens,
+ink and paper, and, by mere weight of
+numbers, I overcame the Field Cashier.
+He scribbled his initials everywhere,
+inquired in notes of what value we
+would take the money, and undertook,
+on his personal honour, that upon his
+very next visit to our headquarters
+(where the payment should properly be
+made) the notes should be ours. I
+asked the Sergeant triumphantly what
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg 373]</span>
+more he could want. He saluted
+emphatically at the prospect of receiving,
+on May 8th, the money wherewith
+to buy his food for the period March 1st
+to April 3rd (inclusive).</p>
+
+<p>It was indeed an achievement. Not
+only were all authorities in existence
+and duly authorised, but the authorities
+who had authorised the authorities
+were themselves authorised in writing
+to do so&mdash;and that authoritatively.
+However, it was satisfactorily established
+in formal proof that all persons
+concerned, including the Camp Commandant,
+myself and the Sergeant,
+were in fact the persons we were represented
+to be. Indeed the last lingering
+doubt was removed from the mind of
+the Field Cashier as to his own identity,
+and (hats off, gentlemen!) England had
+done her Bit. It was a reluctant bit,
+but somehow or other it had been done.
+The money was there. The Command
+Paymaster could authorise its payment;
+the Field Cashier could pay it; the
+Camp Commandant could receive it; I
+could obtain it; and the Sergeant could
+get it. May the 8th was fast approaching
+but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>If a man (especially when he's right
+away in Canada) will be in such a
+hurry to enlist that he cannot spare
+the time to think out things carefully,
+what can he expect? Shortly after
+midnight of May 7th to 8th a telegram
+arrived: "Reference my A.B.C. 3535;
+your X.Y.Z. 97S; their decimal nine
+recurring. Please cancel all payment
+of rtn. allce. to Sergeant Blank, Akk.
+Akk. Akk. This N.C.O. belonging to a
+Canadian unit should apply direct to
+Paymaster, Overseas Contingent, Akk."</p>
+
+<p>The Sergeant said nothing, except to
+ask me how long I thought the War
+was likely to last?</p>
+
+<p>Yours ever,  <span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/372.png"><img width="100%" src="images/372.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Subaltern.</i> "<span class="sc">And about this saluting&mdash;I want you recruits
+to be very particular about that. Of course, you
+know, you don't salute <i>me</i>&mdash;you salute the uniform</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/373.png"><img width="100%" src="images/373.png" alt=""/></a><p>"<span class="sc">Why don't yer see Doctor Smiff abaht it?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"Is 'e a qualified doctor?"</p>
+
+<p>"I dunno. But I 'ear 'e's done wonders wiv animals."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>What our V.T.C.'s have to put up
+with:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Horsham was reached by tea time, the
+Company having marched upwards of sixteen
+miles, apart from its droll work."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sussex Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Forestry Department of the township
+of Berlin reports that in the Grunewald, the
+public park between Berlin and Potsdam,
+1,600 trees had been planted, thus changing
+about 400 acres of barren land into a forest."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The statement, like the forest, seems a
+little thin.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+<h3>XVII.&mdash;<span class="sc">Blackfriars.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Seven Black Friars sitting back to back</p>
+<p>Fished from the bridge for a pike or a jack.</p>
+<p>The first caught a tiddler, the second caught a crab,</p>
+<p>The third caught a winkle, the fourth caught a dab,</p>
+<p>The fifth caught a tadpole, the sixth caught an eel,</p>
+<p>And the seventh one caught an old cart-wheel.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h3>XVIII.&mdash;<span class="sc">The Stock Exchange.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There's a Bull and a Bear, and what do you think?</p>
+<p>They live in a Garden of white Stocks and pink.</p>
+<p>"I'll give you a pink Stock for one of your white,"</p>
+<p>Says the Bear to the Bull; and the Bull says, "All right!"</p>
+<p>They never make answer if anyone knocks,</p>
+<p>They are always so busy exchanging their Stocks.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id="page374"></a>[pg 374]</span>
+
+<h2>A PARTIAL PAT ON THE BACK.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">
+(<i>Another Little Lecture on the War,
+after the style of "The Spectator"
+(abbreviated).</i>)
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>It is no time to waste words in
+praise of anybody. We want to give
+and mean to give&mdash;we may perhaps
+even say that we hope to give&mdash;the
+Cabinet our countenance and some
+measure of our approval, but neither
+adulation nor encomium. The Editor
+of this journal is quite ready to allot the
+laurels when they have been earned;
+he will be found at his post handing
+them out when the time arrives. But
+not now.</p>
+
+<p>It will be said, no doubt ... (Deletion
+of what will no doubt be said).</p>
+
+<p>You may ask a man to put his whole
+strength into drawing a cork, but unless
+you are a fool you do not, while
+the operation is going forward, keep
+nagging at him because the cork is too
+firmly jammed, nor do you jeer at him
+for his lack of prescience in not having
+selected a bottle with a wider neck.
+You do not ask him strings of useless
+questions as to why he doesn't grip
+the bottle between his feet or get a
+purchase on it with his teeth. Above
+all you do not keep handing him tools,
+such as a pair of scissors or a button-hook
+or a crowbar. No. You concentrate
+earnestly upon the provision of an
+<i>efficient corkscrew</i>, if you ever hope to
+taste the imprisoned liquor. And meanwhile,
+"Don't trip him up" should be
+the order of the day; "Don't catch
+his eye" should be your watchword;
+"Don't get into the bowler's arm"
+should be your motto.</p>
+
+<p>We shall be told, of course ...
+(Deletion of what we shall of course
+be told).</p>
+
+<p>But to discountenance nagging is
+not to encourage laudation, adulation,
+or encomium, or even praise. These
+can wait. The cow, to change the
+metaphor, will generally give her milk
+all the better if she is not in the act of
+being stroked or patted or wreathed
+with buttercups.</p>
+
+<p>We shall perhaps evoke the retort ...
+(Deletion of the retort, which will
+perhaps be evoked).</p>
+
+<p>So much for the exact attitude which
+the Public ought to maintain toward
+the Government during the War. Unfortunately
+the Public, or rather a
+section of them, have done nothing of
+the sort. And that is the reason why,
+in spite of good intentions about
+adulation and all that, it has become
+absolutely necessary for us to step
+forward and present the Ministry
+with this unsolicited testimonial. The
+Government is not what it appears
+to be to cross-grained critics seeking
+for a Rotation of suitable scapegoats.
+Ministers are full of glaring faults.
+Most of them before the War were
+wickedly engaged in doing all sorts of
+damage to the country, appalling to
+contemplate. But since the War began
+they are doing what they can to retrieve
+a lurid past, and we believe that History
+(our intimate colleague who waits
+to endorse at a later stage the views
+expressed in these columns) will pronounce
+that they have displayed great
+qualities.</p>
+
+<p>But stay! We are in danger of adulation
+after all. Let us freely admit that
+they are a sorry lot. We have never
+been blind to the fact. All the same,
+they have shown the greatest of all
+qualities in a crisis&mdash;dispassion almost
+amounting to torpor. There has never
+been about them the slightest trace of
+hustle or helter-skelter. They have
+steered with the greatest deliberation a
+course which they thought was the
+right one for the ship of state to take.
+To change the metaphor, having fixed
+the route of the national 'bus they have
+refrained from diving down side-streets.
+(But there we go again, running off
+into laudation. This will not do at all.)</p>
+
+<p>To speak frankly, all the political
+tenets of the majority of the Cabinet
+are such as can never receive anything
+but bitter hostility from this publication.
+We can't help it. There is a
+gulf fixed, that is how it comes about.
+But on the other hand we must not
+let this view prevent us&mdash;even though,
+after all, we are guilty of eulogy&mdash;from
+recognising their sterling worth. They
+are indispensable to the navigation of
+the ship of state. To change the
+metaphor, we must be content to let
+the train be driven by the engine-driver
+and not insist upon interference by the
+dining-car attendant.</p>
+
+<p>We are well aware that we lay ourselves
+open to the charge ... (Deletion
+of the charge to which we lay
+ourselves open).</p>
+
+<p>Let us then trust the Government,
+even blindly. Let our motto be the
+immortal words in the "Hunting of the
+Snark": "<i>They had often, the Bellman
+said, saved them from wreck: though
+none of the sailors knew how.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HAPPY ERROR.</h2>
+
+<p>As a rule I am not one to peer over
+shoulders and read other people's letters
+or papers. But when one is in a queue
+waiting for one's passport to be <i>vis&eacute;d</i>,
+and when one has been there for an
+hour and still seems no nearer to the
+promised land, and when it is the
+second time in the day that one has
+been in a queue for the same purpose&mdash;once
+in France and once in England&mdash;why,
+some little deflection from the
+narrow path of perfect propriety may
+be forgiven.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover in other ways I behaved
+better than many of my fellow-travellers,
+for I stood loyally behind the
+man in front of me in my due place,
+and did not, as others did, insinuate
+myself from the side into positions
+to which, by all the laws of precedence
+and decency, they were disentitled.
+Indeed I even caught myself wondering
+whether, had I any preferential opportunities
+of getting through first, as some
+Red Cross and otherwise influential
+people had, I should make use of them.
+To take any advantage of this weary
+waiting line of suspects, of which I
+was one, would have been almost
+monstrous.</p>
+
+<p>So, standing there all patiently and
+dejected, moving forward a foot or so
+every four or five minutes, no wonder
+that I found myself reading the embarkation
+paper which the gentleman
+in front of me had filled up and was
+holding so legibly before him.</p>
+
+<p>He was tall and solid and calm and
+French, with a better cut coat than
+most Frenchmen, even the aristocrats,
+trouble about. He was broad-shouldered
+and erect, and I was piqued to find
+him, for all his iron-grey hair, five
+years younger than myself. His name
+was&mdash;never mind; but I know it. His
+profession was given as publicist&mdash;as
+though he were Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold White</span> or
+Sir <span class="sc">Henry Norman</span>, although, for all I
+know, Sir <span class="sc">Henry Norman</span> may by now
+be a Brigadier-General. His reasons
+for visiting England, given in English,
+were in connection with his profession.
+But after that his English broke down;
+for when it came to the question what
+was his sex, how do you think he had
+answered it? I consider that his solution
+of the difficulty was an ample
+reward to me&mdash;and to you, if you too
+have any taste in terminological exactitude&mdash;for
+my fracture of a social
+convention. The word he had wanted
+was either "male" or "masculine";
+but they had evaded him. He had
+then cast about for English terminology
+associated with men, and had thought
+vaguely of master and mister. The
+result was that the line ran thus:&mdash;"Sex:
+Masterly."</p>
+
+<p>And, looking at the publicist's <i>soign&eacute;</i>
+moustache and firm jaw and broad
+hands, I could believe it. But what an
+inspiration! And, dear me! what will
+the Panks, if there are any left, say?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"To Teachers and Business Ladies. Heathful
+Holiday in North Wales; brainy air."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Think what it has done for Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page375" id="page375"></a>[pg 375]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/375.png"><img width="100%" src="images/375.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>The Judge</i>. <span class="sc">"Three years."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Optimistic Prisoner</i>: <span class="sc">"Couldn't you make it 'three years or
+the duration of the War,' me lud?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IDENTIFICATION.</h2>
+
+<p>How often the kind of thing occurs
+that I am about to describe!</p>
+
+<p>Four or five summers ago, before
+the world went mad, I was on one of
+<span class="sc">David MacBrayne's</span> steamers on the
+way to a Scotch island. Among the
+few passengers was an interesting man,
+with whom I fell into conversation.
+He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall
+man, with a pointed grey beard and a
+mass of grey hair under a panama, and
+he was bound, he told me, for a well-known
+fishing-lodge, whither he went
+every August. He had been a great
+traveller and knew Persia well; he had
+also been in Parliament, and one of his
+sons was in the siege of Mafeking. So
+much I remember of his affairs; but
+his name I did not learn. We talked
+much about books, and I put him on
+to <span class="sc">Doughty's</span> <i>Arabia Deserta</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I have often thought of him since
+and wondered who he was, and whenever
+I have met fishermen or others
+likely to be acquainted with this attractive
+and outstanding personality I have
+asked about him; but never with success.
+And then last week I seemed really to be
+on the track, for I found that my new
+neighbour in the country has also had
+the annual custom of spending a fortnight
+or so in the same Scotch island,
+and he claims to know everyone who
+ever visits that retired spot.</p>
+
+<p>So this is what happened.</p>
+
+<p>"If you're so old an islander as
+that," I said, "you're the very person
+to solve the problem that I have carried
+about for four or five years. There's
+a man who fishes regularly up there"&mdash;and
+then I described my fellow-passenger.
+"Tell me," I said, "who he is."</p>
+
+<p>He considered, knitting his brows.</p>
+
+<p>"You're sure you're right in saying
+he is unusually tall?" he inquired at
+last.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a pity," he said, "because
+otherwise it might be Sir <span class="sc">Gerald Orpington</span>.
+Only he's short. Still, he was
+in Parliament right enough. But, of
+course, if it was a tall man it's not
+Orpington."</p>
+
+<p>He considered again.</p>
+
+<p>"You say," he remarked, "that he
+had been in Persia? Now old Jack
+Beresford is tall enough and has
+plenty of hair, but I swear he's never
+been to Persia, and of course he hasn't
+a son at all. It's very odd. Describe
+him again."</p>
+
+<p>I described my man again, and he
+followed every point on his fingers.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he said, "I could have sworn
+I knew every man who ever fished at
+Blank, but this fellow&mdash;&mdash; Oh, wait a
+minute! You say he is tall and bulky
+and had travelled, and his son was in
+the Boer War, and he has been in
+Parliament? Why, it must be old
+Carstairs. And yet it can't be. Carstairs
+was never married and was never
+in Parliament."</p>
+
+<p>He pondered again.</p>
+
+<p>Then he said, "You're sure it wasn't
+a clean-shaven bald man with a single
+eyeglass?"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Because," he went on, "if he had
+been it would have been old Peterson
+to the life."</p>
+
+<p>"He wasn't bald or clean-shaven," I
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"You're sure he said Blank?" he
+inquired after another interval of profound
+thought.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me again what he was like.
+Tell me exactly. I know every one up
+there; I must know him."</p>
+
+<p>"He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall
+man," I said, "with a pointed beard
+and a mass of grey hair under a
+panama; and he went to Blank every
+August. He had been a great traveller
+and knew Persia; he had been in
+Parliament, and one of his sons was
+in the siege of Mafeking."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know him," he said.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Foreign gentleman desires English lady
+to correct him, during one hour every morning,
+from 9 to 10."&mdash;<i>Bournemouth Daily Echo.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>There is one foreigner whom innumerable
+English ladies would be delighted
+to correct; but he is no gentleman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page376" id="page376"></a>[pg 376]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/376.png"><img width="100%" src="images/376.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Hostess (alluding to latest photograph of
+herself).</i> <span class="sc">"Well, dear, do you think it's like me?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Polite little Girl.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, I don't think it has made you look
+quite&mdash;quite&mdash;grown up enough."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"BIOLOGY AT THE FRONT."</h2>
+
+<h3><i>To the Editor of "The Times."</i></h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;I am encouraged by reading
+the very interesting letter which appeared
+in your issue of May 29th under
+the heading, "Biology at the Front,"
+and dealt with the habit acquired by
+French poultry of imitating the sound
+of flying shells, to relate an experience
+which recently befell me. I was seated
+at breakfast "Somewhere in France,"
+and had ordered, as is my custom, a
+boiled egg. When it was brought to
+me I proceeded to open it by giving it
+a smart tap. The egg immediately
+exploded with a loud report, and the
+contents were scattered in all directions.
+Those at table with me at once threw
+themselves prostrate on the ground,
+and one, whose olfactory nerves were
+excessively developed, exhibited every
+symptom of being gassed. On questioning
+the innkeeper we learnt that
+the egg had been laid some weeks
+before by a hen in the neighbourhood
+of the Front. I had previously noticed
+that it was elongated in shape, the
+small end being pointed and the base
+end nearly flat, while the whole was
+cased in a shell.</p>
+
+<p>The continuance of this imitative
+habit would be a strange perpetual
+memorial of the Great War&mdash;particularly
+for Pacificist politicians.</p>
+
+<p>Yours, &amp;c.,   <span class="sc">Darwinian.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>The Ashpit, Egham.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WAR'S SURPRISES.</h2>
+
+<h3>The Poet.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>My gifted nephew Eric</p>
+<p class="i2">Till just before the War</p>
+<p>Was steeped in esoteric</p>
+<p class="i2">And antinomian lore,</p>
+<p>Now verging on the mystic,</p>
+<p>Now darkly symbolistic,</p>
+<p>Now frankly Futuristic,</p>
+<p class="i2">And modern to the core.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Versed in the weird grivoiserie</p>
+<p class="i2">Affected by <span class="sc">Verlaine</span>,</p>
+<p>And charmed by the chinoiserie</p>
+<p class="i2">Of <span class="sc">Marinetti's</span> strain,</p>
+<p>In all its multiplicity</p>
+<p>He worshipped eccentricity,</p>
+<p>And found his chief felicity</p>
+<p class="i2">In aping the insane.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And yet this freak ink-slinger,</p>
+<p class="i2">When England called for men,</p>
+<p>Straight ceased to be a singer</p>
+<p class="i2">And threw away his pen,</p>
+<p>Until, with twelve months' training</p>
+<p>And six months' hard campaigning,</p>
+<p>The lure of paper-staining</p>
+<p class="i2">Has vanished from his ken.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For now his former crazes</p>
+<p class="i2">He utterly eschews;</p>
+<p>The world on which he gazes</p>
+<p class="i2">Has lost its hectic hues;</p>
+<p>No more a bard crepuscular</p>
+<p>Who writes in script minuscular,</p>
+<p>He only woos the muscular</p>
+<p class="i2">And military Muse.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Transformed by contact hourly</p>
+<p class="i2">With heroes simple-souled,</p>
+<p>He looks no longer sourly</p>
+<p class="i2">On men of normal mould,</p>
+<p>But, purged of mental vanity</p>
+<p>And erudite inanity,</p>
+<p>The clay of his humanity</p>
+<p class="i2">Is turning fast to gold.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"THE ROAD TO RAGDAD."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not even <span class="sc">Little Willie</span> could think
+of a better way.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Second-Hand Hearse</span> Wanted; body
+must be up to date and reasonable."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bristol Times and Mirror.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And not insist on a brand-new outfit.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page377" id="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span>
+
+<h3>WITHOUT PREJUDICE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/377.png"><img width="100%" src="images/377.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Ferdie</span>. "I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Tino</span>. "OH, NO! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. THIS IS LIBERTY HALL."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page378" id="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span>
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Monday, May 29th.</i>&mdash;When Mr.
+<span class="sc">Anderson</span> alleged that a certain firm,
+desirous of getting its employ&eacute;s exempted,
+had "hospitably entertained"
+the members of the local tribunal at
+its works, we felt that we were on
+the fringe of a grave scandal. A picture
+of the tribunal replete with salmon
+and champagne rose before the
+mind's eye. But when we learned from
+the Ministerial reply that the refreshment
+alluded to consisted of "tea and
+bread-and-butter" the vision faded
+away. Those innocent viands could not
+connote corruption.</p>
+
+<p><i>&Agrave; propos</i> of tribunals, the House
+learned with delight that the military
+representative at Middlesbrough is Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hustler Hustler</span>. Obviously the
+Government have at last discovered
+"the man of push and go" for whom
+they were looking a year ago.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">McKenna</span> was a little short-tempered
+this afternoon. He first
+descended heavily upon Mr. <span class="sc">Samuel
+Samuel</span>, who had suggested that it
+was time to issue another War Loan,
+instead of borrowing so heavily upon
+Treasury Bills. The hon. member, he
+declared, had no right to speak for
+that mysterious entity, "the City."
+When Sir F. <span class="sc">Banbury</span>, who indubitably
+has that right, endorsed Mr. <span class="sc">Samuel's</span>
+appeal, Mr. <span class="sc">McKenna</span> took refuge under
+a point of order&mdash;rather an exiguous
+form of shelter for a Minister of the
+Crown.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/378.png"><img width="100%" src="images/378.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Has Lord Kitchener, in his passionate desire to
+encourage the Volunteers, ever thought of the untapped resources of the
+Tower of London</span>?</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, May 30th.</i>&mdash;The uncertainty
+of the Volunteers as to whether they
+are regarded by the War Office as a
+very present help in time of trouble or
+as a confounded nuisance will hardly
+be removed by Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span>
+speech. True he said many nice things
+about them, and particularly about the
+behaviour of the Dublin corps during
+the insurrection, but when it came to a
+tangible recognition of their usefulness
+he had very little to offer. All the
+money available was required for the
+Army. The Volunteers must be content
+with such part-worn equipment
+and old-fashioned weapons as he could
+find them.</p>
+
+<p>On the Consolidated Fund Bill
+Mr. <span class="sc">Fell</span> and other Members for East
+Anglia represented very poignantly the
+woes inflicted upon their constituencies
+by the air and sea raids. Fishermen
+and lodging-house keepers were alike
+deprived of their livelihood. Could not
+the Government do something for them,
+either by billeting soldiers or by direct
+grants-in-aid?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span> in reply exuded
+sympathy at every pore. The previous
+speakers had, as he said, painted "a
+deplorable picture of gloom," and he
+laid on the colours from an even more
+opulent palette. But on the question
+of actual relief he was painfully indefinite.
+Billeting&mdash;that was a question
+for the War Office; grants&mdash;they
+were a matter for the Treasury. The
+East Anglers who thought their fish
+safely hooked had to go away empty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, May 31st.</i>&mdash;Not content
+with having laid sacrilegious hands on
+the clock, the Government have now
+deranged the calendar and kicked Whit-Monday
+into August. But it is all in
+the good cause of piling up shells
+against the Bosches, so the House
+cheerfully approved the <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span>
+announcement.</p>
+
+<p>For some days there have been
+rumours of an impending attack upon
+Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, to be led by Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span>. Perhaps that was why
+Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span>, who moved the Vote
+for the War Office, decided to get his
+blow in first. His short speech began
+with a jibe at his critic's strategical
+omniscience, though it is not true
+that he referred to him as "the right
+hon. and recently gallant gentleman";
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page379" id="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span>
+proceeded with a denial of most of his
+assumptions, and ended with a high
+tribute to <span class="sc">Lord Kitchener's</span> prevision
+in raising a great army to cope with a
+long war.</p>
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> did not pick up
+the gage thus ostentatiously thrown
+down, but some of his friends were less
+discreet, and developed a close-range
+assault upon <span class="sc">Lord Kitchener</span>. The
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> is never seen to greater
+advantage than when he is defending a
+colleague, and he declared that the
+<span class="sc">War Secretary</span> was personally entitled
+to the credit for the amazing expansion
+of the army.</p>
+
+<p>Unofficial tributes were not wanting.
+Sir <span class="sc">Mark Sykes</span> asserted that in Germany
+the <span class="sc">War Secretary</span> was feared
+as a great organiser, while in the East
+his name was one to conjure with;
+and Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span> declared that
+his chief fault was that he was "not
+clever at circulating the cheap coin of
+calculated civilities which enable inferior
+men to rise to positions to which
+they are not entitled."</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, June 1st</i>.&mdash;In moving that
+the House should at its rising adjourn
+until June 20th, the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+felt it necessary to remove any impression
+that the Government, while asking
+everybody else to sacrifice their Whitsun
+holiday, were themselves going
+junketing.</p>
+
+<p>Like Old <span class="sc">Tom Morris</span>, who rebuked
+a would-be Sunday golfer by saying
+"if you don't want your Sabbath rest
+the links do," he pointed out that the
+continuous sittings of the House threw
+a double burden not only upon Ministers&mdash;one
+of whom, Mr. <span class="sc">Runciman</span>, has
+unhappily broken down&mdash;but also upon
+the permanent officials. Even Members
+of Parliament, he slily added,
+might be under a misapprehension in
+supposing that constant attendance at
+the House was the best way in which
+they could discharge their duty to their
+country in time of war.</p>
+
+<p>The Nationalist Members are doing
+their best to "give <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> a
+chance." True, they ask an inordinate
+number of questions arising out of the
+hot Easter week in Dublin&mdash;when, according
+to the local wit, it was "'98 in
+the shade"&mdash;but otherwise they have
+sternly repressed any tendency to factiousness.
+Yesterday, when a freelance
+sought to move the adjournment
+of the House in order to denounce the
+continuance of martial law in Ireland,
+not a single other Member rose to support
+him; and to-day, though Mr.
+<span class="sc">Dillon</span> could not resist the temptation
+to make a speech on the same subject,
+he showed a refreshing restraint.</p>
+
+<p>Only once&mdash;when he declared that
+"if you can reach the hearts of the
+Irish people you can do anything with
+them; but they will not be driven, and
+you cannot crush them"&mdash;did his voice
+approach that painfully high pitch
+which irreverent critics have been
+known to describe as "Sister Mary
+Jane's top-note."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> in reply was sympathetic
+but firm. The Government were
+not deaf to the plea for leniency which
+had been addressed to them by all Irish
+representatives, by Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>
+as well as by Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>. But they
+could not give an undertaking that
+there should be an end of the courts-martial.
+As for the persons deported
+from Ireland, for whom Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon</span>
+had specially appealed, it would be
+more humane in their own interests
+not to bring them to trial at once, for
+that would mean a crop of convictions
+and sentences which would increase
+instead of allaying the alleged irritation
+in Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/379.png"><img width="100%" src="images/379.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>examining recruit</i>). "<span class="sc">And do you
+always stutter like that</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Recruit</i>. "<span class="sc">N-n-no, Sir. Only w-w-w-when I t-t-talk</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">John O'Connor</span> developed a
+really ingenious argument. To show
+that martial law ought now to be
+dropped he mentioned that if he attempted
+to hold a recruiting meeting
+in his constituency his life would not
+be worth half-an-hour's purchase.
+Members who were thinking of spending
+the recess in Ireland were greatly
+impressed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page380" id="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h3>"Fishpingle."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Sir Geoffrey Pomfret</i>, "that almighty
+man, the county god," claimed to exercise
+the same divine right over the
+souls of his village that he exercised, in
+the matter of breeding, over the bodies
+of his cattle and pigs. Nothing, I
+think, has brought the present War
+more closely home to my bosom than
+the humours of this feudal relic&mdash;taken
+in all seriousness by everyone,
+including the author. It seems almost
+inconceivable that Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span>'s play
+deals with conditions that still survived
+only a few years ago. Yet the Squire's
+devotion to the science of eugenics
+establishes its date as quite recent. It
+was his sole taint of modernity; and
+indeed where his own son's marriage
+was concerned he omitted to apply his
+scientific principles, and made a choice
+for him in which no regard was paid to
+eugenics, but only to established social
+traditions.</p>
+
+<p>At first the play opened up prospects
+of a pleasant gaiety. A love scene,
+conducted in a rich Western brogue,
+between the <i>Squire</i>'s footman and his
+still-room maid, and the embarrassment
+caused by her eagerness to learn the
+philosophy of "eujanics," were full of
+promise. It was confirmed by the appearance
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Ainley</span>, whose manner
+reminded us of his many triumphs in
+the art of eccentric detachment. His
+part&mdash;the title-r&ocirc;le&mdash;was that of <i>Sir
+Geoffrey's</i> faithful butler, on such
+familiar, though respectful, terms with
+his master that the two sipped port
+together in the former's room in broad
+daylight while discussing family matters.
+They took an unconscionable
+time about it, but, as I said, it promised
+well. However, Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span> had
+other designs than our mere amusement.
+We were not to have our comedy
+without paying for it with our heart's
+blood. Very soon the shadow of melodramatic
+pathos and mystery crept
+over the sunny scene. <i>Fishpingle</i> takes
+a box from a cupboard and glances at
+a miniature and a bundle of letters.
+There is illegitimacy in the air, and a
+lady near me in the stalls confides to
+her neighbour that "he's the <i>Squire's</i>
+half-brother." I can't think where she
+got her information, for the rest of us
+never learned the facts of the mystery
+till the very end of the evening, and
+even then the details of <i>Fishpingle's</i>
+origin only transpired (as they say)
+under extreme pressure arising out of
+his dismissal by his master on the
+strength of a violent disagreement
+about fundamentals.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir Geoffrey's</i> father, it seems, had
+before his marriage run away with a
+girl not of his own rank, who had
+generously refused to spoil the family
+tree by marrying him; and <i>Fishpingle</i>
+was the result. You might judge from
+the peculiarity of his surname that
+the matter was taken lightly by his
+parents. But you would be wrong.
+His mother died when he was born,
+and his first name (for I cannot call it a
+Christian name) was <i>Benoni</i>, which,
+being interpreted, means "the child of
+sorrow." <i>Sir Geoffrey's</i> grandmother,
+who had discouraged the legal adjustment
+of the relationship between the
+lovers, had tried to repair matters by
+educating <i>Fishpingle</i> above the obscurity
+of his irregular birth; hence
+his comparative erudition, rare in a
+butler.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/380.png"><img width="100%" src="images/380.png" alt=""/></a><p>THE BREED OF THE POMFRETS.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fishpingle</i> (<i>to himself</i>). "<span class="sc">How anybody
+can fail to see the extraordinary family
+likeness between us I cannot imagine</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fishpingle</i>.... Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Ainley</span>.
+<i>Sir Geoffrey Pomfret</i>. Mr. <span class="sc">Allan Aynesworth</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p>Now the opening of the play had
+put me into a mood which was not
+the right one for the reception of this
+extract from a deplorable past. Some
+comedies would be all the better for a
+little tragic relief; but this was too
+much. Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span> had no business
+to give his play a title like <i>Fishpingle</i>.
+He should have called it "Nature's
+Nobleman, or The Tragical Romance
+of a Faithful Butler's Birth," and then
+I might have known what to expect.
+As it was I felt aggrieved. It was not,
+of course, a question of asking for my
+money back at the doors (critics, to be
+just to them, never do this in the case
+of a complimentary seat), but I felt I
+had a right to protest against this
+attempt to harrow my heart-strings,
+attuned as they were to the key of
+comedy, with a painful drama dating
+back to more than half a century before
+the rise of the curtain, and with its
+chief actors all dead. And the irritating
+mystery in which it was
+wrapped only made things worse. Further,
+I suffered a considerable strain
+on both my head and my heart in consequence
+of obscure hints (vaguely involving
+a photograph on his mantelpiece)
+as to the reason why <i>Fishpingle</i>
+remained a bachelor to the bitter end.</p>
+
+<p>But I am ashamed to appear flippant,
+for Mr. <span class="sc">Ainley</span> played with exquisite
+feeling and a fine sincerity. And I
+have to thank Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span> for giving
+us some excellent studies of character&mdash;not
+character developed before our
+eyes by circumstance (except perhaps
+a little at the last), but admirably observed
+as a kind of fixture to be taken
+with the house.</p>
+
+<p>And if the play is not quite on the
+high level of Mr. <span class="sc">Galsworthy's</span> <i>The
+Eldest Son</i>, which it faintly recalls, it is
+much more worthy of Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell's</span>
+gifts than the poor thing, <i>Penn</i>, which
+died so young. Also he is very much
+more fortunate this time in his cast.
+Miss <span class="sc">Marion Terry</span>, as <i>Lady Pomfret</i>,
+was a pattern of sweet graciousness;
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Allan Aynesworth</span> was at his
+happiest as <i>Sir Geoffrey</i>. And the two
+pairs of lovers, Mr. <span class="sc">Cyril Raymond</span>
+and Miss <span class="sc">Maud Bell</span> above stairs, and
+Mr. <span class="sc">Reginald Bach</span> and Miss <span class="sc">Doris
+Lytton</span> below (they were really all of
+them on the ground floor, the butler's
+room being the common trysting-place),
+served as delightful examples of natural
+selection&mdash;both on their own part and
+that of the management&mdash;and were as
+fresh and healthy as the most eugenical
+could desire.</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"Daddy Long-Legs."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Daddy Long-Legs</i> is a pleasant
+American sentimental comedy made by
+<span class="sc">Jean Webster</span> out of her very jolly
+book, and not so sticky as some of our
+importations of the same general type.
+The four Acts are phases in the development
+of <i>Judy</i> (or <i>Jerusha</i>) <i>Abbott</i>,
+orphan; and, as normally happens in
+book-plays, development is extremely
+abrupt. Act I. shows us <i>Judy</i> as the
+drudge of the orphanage breaking into
+flame of rebellion on the day of the
+visit of the trustees. Naturally the
+trustees are all trustees <i>pour rire</i>, except
+one real good rich man, <i>Jervis
+Pendleton</i>, who admires the orphan's
+spirit, and decides that she is to have
+her chance at his charges; but is on
+no account to know her benefactor.</p>
+
+<p>In Act II., a year later, <i>Judy</i> is not
+merely the most popular but the best
+dressed girl in her college. She still
+dreams about her unknown benefactor,
+whom she calls <i>Daddy Long-Legs</i>,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span>
+and assumes to be a hoary old man.
+<i>Pendleton</i> comes to Commem., or its
+equivalent, to have a peep at his ward,
+and loses his heart. In the Third Act,
+three years later, our heroine is a
+famous author, and <i>Pendleton</i>, coming
+(still incog.) to propose, is refused by a
+<i>Judy</i> who has taken to worrying unduly
+(and not altogether convincingly, if you
+ask me) about her lack of family. And,
+of course, in Act IV., wedding bells.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Ren&eacute;e Kelly</span> has a charming
+personality, and a smile which alone is
+worth going to see. She trounced the
+matron and the incredible trustees with
+a fierce fury, and seemed to have easy
+command of the changes of mood and
+tense which her fast-moving circumstances
+required. A pretty twinkling
+star. Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Waldron</span> is a
+skilful actor. If he, perhaps, grimaced
+a little too much by way of not letting
+us miss the obvious points of the little
+mystery, he made as admirable a proposal
+of marriage as I have ever heard
+on the stage (or off it for that matter,
+with perhaps one exception); but to
+suppose that so accomplished a lover
+would accept a mere mournful shake
+of the head as a final refusal is simply
+too absurd. Miss <span class="sc">Fay Davis</span> made
+quite a little triumph of gentle gracious
+kindliness out of one of those potentially
+tiresome explanatory parts without
+which no mystifications can be
+contrived. Miss <span class="sc">Kate Jepson</span> is a
+com&eacute;dienne of rich grain, and gave
+a very amusing study of the hero's
+old nurse. Miss <span class="sc">Jean Gadell</span>, that
+clever specialist in dour unpleasant
+stage women, made a properly repulsive
+thing out of the matron of the
+orphanage. Mr. <span class="sc">Hylton Allen</span> scored
+his points as a comic lover with droll
+effect. If the distinctly clever children
+of the home (<i>Judy</i> excepted) had been
+effectively put on the contraband list I
+should not have worried. They were
+unduly noisy (for art, not for life perhaps),
+and they overdid their parts,
+being not only rowdy in the absence,
+and abject in the presence, of authority,
+but different kinds of children&mdash;not
+merely the same children in two moods.</p>
+
+<p>Altogether a pleasant play pleasantly
+and competently performed.</p>
+
+<p>T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Cabinet Leekage</span>."&mdash;Daily Paper.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Now why, we wonder, do they spell it
+that way?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Alleged Cannibalism in the German Navy.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The prisoners got the same food as the
+submarine crew. Here is the bill of fare:
+Breakfast consisted of coffee, black bread,
+submarine commander and he pilot."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Jimmy Wilde, the fly-weight champion,
+took part in two contests at Woolwich on
+Saturday, winning them both with great ease.
+Darkey Saunders, Camberwell, was beaten in
+three months."&mdash;<i>Burton Daily Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The reporter also seems to have been
+knocked out of time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"If the area of the garden cannot be increased,
+the quantity and quality of the crops
+should be improved by the extra hour of daylight."&mdash;<i>The
+Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>For this discovery our contemporary is
+hereby recommended for the famous
+Chinese Order of the Excellent Crop.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A letter sent on Friday saying, 'We are
+starting a central mess for 1,200 men on Monday,'
+and asking: 'Can you send cooks?'
+brings as a reply 24 trained women cooks, who
+roll up their sleeves and cook breakfast for the
+number stated inside 12 hours!"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>What was breakfast to some must have
+been supper to others.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span>
+
+<h2>MUSINGS ON MILK-CANS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When I travel up to London by an early morning train</p>
+<p>Or return into the country when the day is on the wane,</p>
+<p class="i4">At the smallest railway station</p>
+<p class="i4">There's a dreadful demonstration</p>
+<p>Which causes me unmitigated pain.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm aware that milk is needed for our infant girls and boys;</p>
+<p>That it aids adult dyspeptics to regain "digestive poise";</p>
+<p class="i4">But I've never comprehended</p>
+<p class="i4">Why its transport is attended</p>
+<p>By the maximum of diabolic noise.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I admit the railway porter who can deftly twirl a can</p>
+<p>In each hand along the platform is no ordinary man;</p>
+<p class="i4">But what kills me is the banging</p>
+<p class="i4">And the clashing and the clanging</p>
+<p>As he hurls them in or hauls them from the van.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now if some new material for these vessels could be found&mdash;</p>
+<p>Non-metallic and in consequence a silencer of sound&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">There would be within our borders</p>
+<p class="i4">Fewer nerve and brain disorders</p>
+<p>And more of moral uplift to go round.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I know a dashing journalist, a credit to his trade,</p>
+<p>Who's always in the thick of it whenever there's a raid.</p>
+<p class="i4">Bombs of various sorts and sizes</p>
+<p class="i4">He describes and analyses,</p>
+<p>But he can't endure a long milk-cannonade.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I've written to our Member, Dr. Philadelphus Snell,</p>
+<p>To ask a question in the House&mdash;I think he'd do it well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">If our cows' nerves should be mangled</p>
+<p class="i4">By the way their milk is jangled;</p>
+<p>And, if he doesn't play, I'll try <span class="sc">Ginnell</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>The <span class="sc">German Emperor</span> and the <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span>.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>The German Emperor.</i> Sit down, won't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Crown Prince.</i> Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing.
+One's legs get so cramped in a motor-car.</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> Sit down!</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> Really, I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> SIT DOWN!!</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll&mdash;yes,
+yes, there I am. Are you happy now?</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence
+from a whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> I know what you're going to say: if you did
+your duty you'd have me arrested and packed off to prison.
+Isn't that it? Yes, I thought so. You want to be like old
+<span class="sc">Frederick William</span>. He had <span class="sc">Frederick the Great</span> sentenced
+to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence
+carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. <span class="sc">Frederick
+William</span> was mad, you know&mdash;as mad as a hatter, and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> Stop it. I will not have you add to your
+other misdeeds the crime of irreverence against one of the
+greatest and worthiest members of our royal House.</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare
+say you regret that, but there it is, and you won't alter it
+by glaring at me and threatening me with your moustache.
+I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof by this time.</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> What have I done to deserve such a son?</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> If it comes to that there's another way of
+putting it. What have <i>I</i> done to deserve such a father?&mdash;that's
+what I might ask; but I'm too respectful, too careful
+of your feelings. And what's my reward? You're always
+nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why
+can't you give it a rest?</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> This is beyond endurance. But it has always
+been the same from the time you cut your teeth until now&mdash;no
+filial piety, no consideration for your mother and
+me; only a cross-grained selfishness and bad temper.
+What happened in India?</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> Oh, if you're going over that old story again,
+I'm off.</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> <i>Donnerwetter noch einmal!</i> Sit still, I tell
+you. I say again, what happened in India? You never
+thought of ingratiating yourself with the native chiefs.
+You couldn't even keep your engagements or be punctual.
+All you thought of was running after some girl whose
+face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have
+kept you at home or sent you to London. What a creature
+to be a Crown Prince!</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P. (wearily).</i> There you go again. But I protest
+against such treatment. I'd far rather be back before
+Verdun with old <span class="sc">Von H&auml;seler</span> grandmothering me all over
+the place.</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> I wonder you dare to mention the word
+Verdun in my presence.</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself
+Commander of the Verdun armies. You did that, and I've
+done my best to obey your orders and those of the High
+Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose thousands
+upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do
+be reasonable, my respected father. It was you who
+wanted Verdun. You won't be happy till you get it, and
+if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an old shoe
+without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if
+we succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the
+credit of it. If Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick
+time to take the salute in your shining&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The G. E.</i> Silence, jackanapes!</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. P.</i> And if we don't get through poor old <span class="sc">Von
+H&auml;seler</span> will have to retire. You'll send him your photograph
+in a gold frame to console him, just as you consoled
+<span class="sc">Bismarck</span>. Pity there's no <span class="sc">Bismarck</span> now. However, we
+can't have everything, can we?</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Left quarrelling.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames
+Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Journal (Calcutta).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines
+have no doubt before now been accounted for by
+our naval rams.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph
+of organisation.' Is it not simpler to say&mdash;that when a man knows
+exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should be
+done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his requirements
+to what is possible; and then, by far the most important thing
+of all, can so deal with the many under his command that each is
+most furiously anxious to do what the leader wants&mdash;why then,
+things go right."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The answer is in the negative.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of
+this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at Oxford
+later on, and seems to have got the best out of both forms of training&mdash;the
+unhasting and unresting labour of 'the Shop,' which aims
+only at making competent gunners and sappers, and the easy-going
+round of University life which enlarges one's sympathy and stimulates
+the imagination."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that
+the writer of the above extract must also have been at
+Oxford, where the imagination gets stimulated.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/383.png"><img width="100%" src="images/383.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy).</i>
+<span class="sc">"Ullo, Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it.
+They don't seem to like it much."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE GREAT NEUTRAL.</h2>
+
+<p>I am the Neutral Journalist who
+wanders round Europe. I am absolutely
+impartial. I am absolutely
+trustworthy. My perfect integrity is
+vouched for at the head of all my
+articles. Pleasant it is to come over to
+London, sell one set of articles to the
+Boom Press and another to the Gloom
+Press, and then sit down with smiling
+face and begin an article for Germany:
+"I sit in a hovel amongst the ruins of
+Fleet Street, with the wreck of the
+armoured fort of St. Paul's in view. I
+hear a stir outside. A wild mob of
+conscientious objectors is beating a recruiting
+officer to death. Such things
+happen hourly in defeated Albion."
+My series of London, Liverpool, Manchester
+and Birmingham&mdash;all in ashes&mdash;has
+proved so successful that I propose
+to cover all the large towns and
+construct a Baedeker of ruins.</p>
+
+<p>Yet I pride myself more on my work
+for England's Press. My German
+articles have all to be in the same
+vein. Only the Boom Press exists in
+Germany. But in England one can
+vary one's view and do artistic work.
+You must have read my story of the
+struggle for the last sausage in a Frankfort
+butcher's shop&mdash;how the troops intervened
+and the crowd attacked them,
+and how ultimately 1,400 civilians
+were mown down with machine guns&mdash;and
+the sausage was eaten by the
+General Officer commanding the Army
+Corps that suppressed the rising. You
+must also have seen my description
+of the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>&mdash;his white hair, bent
+shoulders, deathlike look as he passed,
+protected by his Guards from the wild
+fury of the Berlin mob. Of course I
+have another <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, the bright smiling
+man whose youth seems to have been
+renewed by the War, who waves his
+hand to the madly enthusiastic crowds
+waiting round the Palace for a glimpse
+of their divinity.</p>
+
+<p>You must have read my secret interviews
+with distinguished Germans, who
+whispered to me that <span class="sc">Hindenburg</span> had
+thrown down his sword and declared
+that if the useless slaughter did not
+cease he would march on Berlin. I
+have told you their promises of bloody
+revolutions and fierce risings. Also I
+have given you interviews with other
+distinguished Germans, who confided
+to me that now Germany could turn
+out one submarine and one Zeppelin
+every week-day and two on Sundays,
+and I have thrilled you with the details
+of the great trade war which will come
+directly peace is declared, when Germany
+will win back all her wealth
+by selling everything fifty per cent.
+below cost.</p>
+
+<p>How my dinners vary in that strange
+Teutonic land! I pay twenty marks
+for two tiny slices of fish, a thin piece
+of indigestible potato bread, and a
+section of rancid sausage. At other
+times I spend two marks and get a
+delightful meal which could not be
+procured in a London restaurant for
+five shillings. I walk through Berlin
+and see scarcely a cripple or a wounded
+man. I let you know that ninety-five
+per cent. of German wounded,
+owing to the skill of German doctors,
+go back to the Front in a week. To
+other English readers I confide that
+all the maimed, wounded and blind
+are sent into the very centre of Germany.
+There are huge districts without
+a whole man in them.</p>
+
+<p>Did you ask for the actual facts? I
+will give you one&mdash;and it is this: the
+only persons in Germany whose waist-measurements
+have increased in the
+War are the neutral journalists.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p>In <i>Hearts of Alsace</i> (<span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>) your interest will be
+held less by the actual story than by the profoundly moving
+and poignant picture that Miss <span class="sc">Betham-Edwards</span> has
+drawn of life in the Reichsland under the increasing burden
+of Prussian tyranny. It is a picture that one feels to be
+absolutely true. The author writes of what she knows.
+This Alsatian family&mdash;old <i>Jean Barth&eacute;lemy</i>, the city father,
+crushed and embittered by the fate of his loved Mulhouse;
+his two daughters and the circle of their friends within the
+town&mdash;all live and move and look longingly towards the
+West, as so many others must have done these forty and
+odd years past. The plot, what there is of it, concerns  the
+clandestine love of <i>Claire</i>, the petted younger daughter of
+the Gley house, for an officer in the conqueror's host, whom
+she had met during a visit to Strasburg. <i>Claire</i> marries
+her <i>Kurt</i>, a shady worthless
+knave, and, as the
+book ends with the outbreak
+of war, is left to an
+unknown fate. Very stirring
+are the chapters that
+tell of the tumult of emotion
+that broke loose when the
+French guns were heard in
+Mulhouse; though here&mdash;as
+in all those war stories
+whose only satisfactory
+end is the final confusion
+of Kaiserdom&mdash;one feels
+that there is a chapter
+yet to be added. Miss
+<span class="sc">Betham-Edwards</span> writes
+with all the vigour (I
+might add all the garrulity)
+of intense personal feeling.
+Her book, as a race study,
+is a real contribution to
+the literature of the War.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>These are days in which
+some measure of sacrifice
+is rightly considered the
+common duty of everyone,
+so long as it is sacrifice
+with an object.  Perhaps this consideration gives
+me less patience with the preposterous kind, which, as
+a motive in fiction, usually consists in the hero inviting
+all and sundry to trample upon his prospects and reputation.
+This is what the chief character in <i>Proud Peter</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) did. He began by allowing it to be supposed
+that he was the father of his brother's illegitimate child,
+the bright peculiar fatuousness of which pretence was that
+thereby the said brother was enabled to marry, and break
+the heart of, the heroine, whom, of course, Peter himself
+adored. Also, many years after, when the child, now an
+objectionable young man, nay more, an actor, was pursuing
+another heroine with his unwelcome attentions, he very
+nearly spiked <i>Peter's</i> guns, on being threatened, by exclaiming,
+"I am thy son"&mdash;or words to that effect. Fortunately,
+however, there existed, as I had somehow known would be
+the case, a signed photograph that put all that right.
+Why, I wonder, is Mr. W. E. <span class="sc">Norris</span> always so sharp
+with the dramatic profession? Was it not in one of his
+earlier stories that somebody quite seriously questions
+whether a good actor can also be a good man? On the
+whole, as you may have gathered, while I should call
+Proud Peter a comfortable tale of the eupeptic type, I
+enjoyed it rather less than other stories from the same
+facile pen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Arthur Green's</span> <i>The Story of a Prisoner of War</i>
+(<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>) can be recommended to all who
+can still digest the uncooked facts. "I can swear," he
+says, "that all that is written is Gospel truth," but
+without any such assurance it would be impossible for
+even the most sceptical to doubt the writer's honesty.
+Wounded and taken prisoner in August, 1914, he suffered
+severely at the hands of the Germans, and his account of
+the camp at Wittenburg does nothing to decrease one's
+loathing for that pestilential spot. For many reasons
+it gives that a civilized race can sink to such depths of
+cruelty and cowardice. Perhaps the only people to whom
+it will give any comfort are those who have sent food and
+clothing to our prisoners.
+But I am glad that this
+book came my way, because
+I would choose to
+read facts of the War
+baldly written by a soldier
+rather than any war fiction
+composed by imaginative
+civilians. "Of course
+I'm not an author," he
+writes, and as far as grammar
+and spelling go it is
+not for me to contradict
+him, but he has seen and
+suffered, and in these days
+no one who has handled
+a bayonet need apologise
+for taking a turn with a
+pen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Encouraged, no doubt,
+by the reception accorded
+to that cheery little volume,
+<i>Minor Horrors of
+War</i>, its author, Dr. A.
+E. <span class="sc">Shipley</span>, has now followed
+it with an equally
+entertaining sequel in More
+Minor Horrors (<span class="sc">Smith</span>,
+<span class="sc">Elder</span>). This deals more especially with the pests attached
+to the Senior Service, and familiar to those who go down to
+the sea in ships&mdash;the Cockroach, the Mosquito, the Rat,
+the Biscuit-Weevil and others. Of each Dr. <span class="sc">Shipley</span> has
+some pleasant word of instruction or comment to say, in
+his own highly entertaining manner. I like, for example,
+his remark about the mosquito (whose infinite variety is
+recognised in no fewer than five chapters), that, if he could
+talk, the burden of his song would be that of the guests at
+the dinner-party in <i>David Copperfield</i>&mdash;"Give us blood!"
+And I found good omen in the cockroach world on learning
+that <i>Periplaneta Orientalis</i>, or the common English sort,
+has <i>P. Germanica</i> thoroughly beat in the matter of empire-building.
+In short, Dr. <span class="sc">Shipley's</span> second volume, like his
+first, combines instruction with amusement, and is well
+worth its modest eighteen-pence to those on land who may
+wish to learn about the intimate associates of their dear
+ones who are defending them upon the sea.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"In the Midst of Life&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Good Greengrocer and Mixed Business, sure living; death
+cause of leaving."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/384.png"><img width="100%" src="images/384.png" alt="" /></a><p>
+<i>The Author (dictating).</i> "<span class="sc">'The room was filled with dynamite,
+gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, cans of petrol and other high
+explosives. A train of powder had been laid and was swiftly
+burning its way to the heap of combustibles. Clarence, tied to a
+post, listened to the retreating footsteps of the Huns, a smile
+of contempt curling his sensitive nostrils.' Clarence is in a
+tight place, Miss Brown, and I don't know yet how we'll get
+him out of it.  Can you suggest anything?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Amanuensis (brightly).</i> "<span class="sc">Why not have peace proclaimed?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916***</p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 7, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 17, 2007  [eBook #23064]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23064-h.htm or 23064-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h/23064-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JUNE 7, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A correspondent writes to tell us of a painful experience which he has
+had in consequence of his efforts to practise war-time economy in the
+matter of dress. The other evening, after going to bed at dusk in order
+to save artificial light, he was rung up by the police at 1 A.M. and
+charged with showing a light. It appears that he had gone to bed with
+his blind up, after throwing his well-worn trousers over the back of a
+chair, and that the rays of a street lamp had caught the glossy sheen of
+this garment and been reflected into the eagle eye of the constable.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Reuter's message the Greeks are "much preoccupied" at the
+seizure of strategic positions on Greek territory by Bulgarian troops.
+The preoccupation, it is thought, should have been done by the Allies.
+
+       ***
+
+While he was on his way to make a Memorial Day speech at Kansas City,
+Mo., an open knife was thrown at Ex-President ROOSEVELT. Some of his
+bitterest friends in the journalistic world allege that it was just a
+paper knife.
+
+       ***
+
+Last week a number of professional fortune-tellers were fined at
+Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their
+pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had
+been unable to foresee the coming of the Zeppelins until some time after
+they had arrived.
+
+       ***
+
+The export of sardines in oil from Sweden is prohibited. Some resentment
+is felt at the order by the Germans, who with their customary ingenuity
+have for some time been importing india-rubber sardines in petrol
+without detection.
+
+       ***
+
+A soldier at Salonika has sent a live tortoise home to his relatives at
+Streatham. The tortoise, it is understood, was too fidgety to bear up
+against its surroundings and was sent home for a little excitement.
+
+       ***
+
+If, on the other hand, the tortoise was just sent as a souvenir we
+should discourage the practice. The tendency on the part of our soldiers
+in India and Egypt to send home elephants and camels as mementos of the
+localities in which they are serving is already putting something of a
+strain upon the postal authorities.
+
+       ***
+
+From "The World of Letters" in _The Observer_: "Some day there will be a
+cheap edition of Captain Ian Hay's war book, _The First Four Hundred_,
+and the sale will be immense.... The Blackwoods are old-fashioned modest
+people, who do not parade figures...." In the present case, however, we
+do not think they would have objected to the reviewer parading a further
+99,600 in the title of IAN HAY'S book.
+
+       ***
+
+"The question of alien waiters in London hotels rests with those who
+patronise the hotels," says a contemporary. In other words, the
+pernicious practice which had grown up before the War of ordering German
+waiters with one's dinner must be abandoned before the hotel managers
+will remove them permanently from their menus.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE has come out with a strong denunciation of
+"devilry" in German music. How little we suspected, before the War
+opened our deluded eyes, that it was no mere lack of skill but the
+fierce promptings of a demoniac hate that marred our evenings on the
+esplanade.
+
+       ***
+
+From The _Northern Whig's_ account of a visit to the Cruiser Fleet:--"It
+was a proud moment when from the deck of a fast-moving destroyer the
+long lines of the mighty Armada, with here and there the neat little
+pinnacles darting in and out, were surveyed." Obviously a misprint for
+binnacles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vivian Vavasour, the melodrama actor, delights in the
+comparative peace of the trenches.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSED AND THE AMUSERS.
+
+All the windows of the V.A.D. hospital were brilliantly lighted up, and
+through them floated the strains of a piano and occasional bursts of
+laughter. Number One Ward, however, was quite empty except for my
+friend, Private McPhee, stalking majestically up and down as if on
+sentry go, wearing a "fit of the blues" several sizes too large for him
+and an expression which would, I believe, be described by kailyard
+novelists as "dour."
+
+"Bong jaw, Mademawselle," he exclaimed, bringing his stick smartly to
+the salute, "or rather bong saw, tae be correct."
+
+McPhee has affected the Gallic tongue since his sojourn in France.
+
+"Why, what are you doing all by yourself, McPhee?" I asked. "Are you on
+duty?"
+
+"Na, na," he said, "ah'm pleasin' masel just."
+
+He paused and emitted a fierce chuckle.
+
+"Ah'm gettin' even," he announced; "they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman."
+
+"But whatever made them want you to do that, McPhee?"
+
+"One o' thae nurses," continued the patient smoulderingly. "Ah fought at
+Mons, an' Ah fought at New Chapelle, an' Ah fought at Wipers, that's
+what ignorant pairsons ca' Eepers; and they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman. Why for did they no send me oot to fight the Jairmans in a
+peerambulator?"
+
+"Oh," I said, at last enlightened. "But surely, McPhee, the nurses are
+very nice. And think how hurt they will be if you won't go out with
+them."
+
+"Ah'm no denyin' some o' them are a' recht," said McPhee grudgingly,
+"but it's a maitter o' preenciple. An' I'm gettin' even wi' them the
+noo!"
+
+He chuckled again.
+
+"But how are you getting even?"
+
+"Ah'm no dressin' up for them," said the vengeful one; "ye ken thae
+nurses are havin' a kin' of a bairthday pairty or the like, an' a' the
+men's dressed up to please them. An' if Ah canna gang oot to please
+masel, Ah canna dress oop like a monkeyback to please them.
+
+"They wantit me to dress up for CHAIRLIE CHAPLIN. Man, the nurse was
+argle-barglin' a clock hour tryin' to persuade me to put thae claes on.
+'Oh, do' (he squeaked), 'to please me, McPhee.' ... But Ah wouldna. Ah
+turnit ma face to the wa' an' wouldna speak a wurrd.
+
+"Ye ken, the ward that gets the maist votes gets a prize, an' thae
+nurses is awfu' set on their ward winnin' it. Ah could ha' won it for
+Number One. Fine cud I. Ah can turn masel oot so's my ain brither
+couldna tell me from HARRY LAUDER. But Ah wouldna. If I canna gang
+oot----"
+
+At this point the door opened and a dejected apparition in a ruff and
+petticoats, like a rumpled remnant of a pre-war pageant, drifted in and
+sat down on a bed.
+
+"Ah weel, Queen Elizabeth, hae they dune wi' ye yet?" inquired McPhee
+sardonically.
+
+Gloriana shook his head. "They're playin' musical chairs," he said
+gloomily, "so I thought as I wouldn't be missed for a bit. This thing
+round my neck does tickle, but my nurse'd be awful 'urt if I took it
+off."
+
+McPhee emitted an ejaculation--Gaelic, I believe--usually expressed in
+writing "Mphm."
+
+"Sma' things," he said, "please sma' minds.... Wha won the prize?"
+
+"Number Two Ward," said Queen Elizabeth indifferently, "sweets. They're
+eatin' 'em. They'll have stummick-aches to-morrer.... But there--it's
+the least as we can do to let the nurses 'ave their bit o' fun."
+
+Nurse Robinson hurried up to me on my way out. I thought her looking a
+trifle anxious.
+
+"I'm feeling rather worried about one of my men," she began, "Private
+McPhee. I wonder if you saw him just now?"
+
+"Oh, yes," I said, "we had quite a long chat."
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad," she exclaimed, "I was really quite afraid he was
+wrong in his head. Do you know, he simply refused to dress up for the
+party ... and you know how they love dressing up! Such a good dress,
+too--CHARLIE CHAPLIN.... And I couldn't get a word out of him! Wasn't it
+strange?"
+
+"Very," I said; "convalescents get all kinds of fancies, don't they? And
+was the party a success?"
+
+"Splendid!" she said, brightening up. "Of course it's meant a lot of
+work. We've been toiling early and late at the costumes. But I'm sure
+it's worth it. It does please the poor fellows. Draws them out of
+themselves, don't you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Company notice-board at the Front:--
+
+    "Men must again be warned about matter they are putting in their
+    letters. No places where we are or where we are going to are not
+    to be divulged. Those having done so in their letters have been
+    obliterated."
+
+We had no notion that the Military Censorship was so drastic as that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FANTASY.
+
+  If you were a white rose Columbine
+      And I were a Harlequin,
+  I'd leap and sway on my spangled hips
+  And blow you a kiss with my finger tips
+  To woo a smile to your petal lips
+      At every glittering spin.
+
+  If I were a pig-tailed Buccaneer
+      And you were a Bristol Girl,
+  A-rolling home from over the sea
+  I'd give you a hug on the landing quay,
+  A hook-nosed parrot that swore like me,
+      And a brooch of mother-o'-pearl.
+
+  If you were a Donna of old Castile
+      And a Troubadour were I,
+  I'd sing at night beneath your room
+  And weave you dreams in a minstrel's loom
+  With rainbow tears and the roses' bloom
+      And star-shine out of the sky.
+
+  If I were a powdered Exquisite
+      And you were a fair Bellairs,
+  I'd press your hand in the gay pavane;
+  And whisper under your painted fan
+  As I bowed you into your blue sedan
+      At the old Assembly stairs.
+
+  If you were a WATTEAU Shepherdess
+      And I were a gipsy lad,
+  I'd teach you tunes that the blackbird trills
+  And show you the dance of the daffodils,
+  The white moon rising over the hills,
+      And Night in her jewels clad.
+
+  If you were the Queen of Make-believe
+      And I were a Prince o' Dream,
+  We'd dress the world in a rich romance
+  With Pans a-piping and Queens that dance,
+  With plume and mantle and rapier glance
+     And Beauty's eyes a-gleam.
+
+  If I were a Poet, sweet, my own,
+      And you were my Lady true,
+  I'd hymn your praise by night and morn
+  With golden notes through a silver horn
+  That unborn men in an age unborn
+      Might glow with a dream of you!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not Founder's Kin.
+
+    "The Archbishop of Perth has received news that he has been
+    appointed an honorary Fellow of Cain's College, Cambridge."
+
+    _Church Standard_ (_Sydney, N.S.W._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to _The Somerset and Wilts Journal_ the songs sung by the boys
+and girls of the Radstock National Schools on Empire Day included "Raise
+the Flagon High." We cannot but think this Bacchic theme a little
+unsuitable for our youthful songsters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORKING HOLIDAY.
+
+[Illustration: Coker-Nut. "WHIT-MONDAY AND NOTHING DOING!"
+
+Roundabout Horse. "WELL, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT WITH A WAR ON? THEY'VE ALL
+GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XLI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--They say we fight for money, do they? Well, so we do,
+and it's a long hard fight, and it's a good soldier who wins against
+that firmly entrenched enemy, the Command Paymaster.
+
+When this War is over I shall take all my money out of the Bank of
+England and, putting it in a paper bag and not troubling to tie it up, I
+shall just hand it to the C.P.M. and say, "Hang on to this, will you,
+till I come back?" Mark my words: if I'm away for fifty years or so,
+every penny of it will be there when I return. It isn't his habit to
+part with other people's money entrusted to his keeping.
+
+I have a sergeant, an honest upright man with no complications in his
+past, except that he is a Scot by birth and, happening to be there at
+the outbreak, enlisted in Canada. By reason of his uncertain movements
+he is unable to draw his food in the usual way, and yet insists,
+tiresomely, on being fed. So I said he'd better feed himself, and I
+claimed an authority for him to draw ration money in lieu of rations.
+Having weathered all the storms of an administrative correspondence, we
+eventually came by the authority itself. This was a great and happy day
+in the lives of myself and the forty-nine other officers who had by this
+time become involved in the affair. "Sgt. Blank is authorised to draw
+ration money in lieu of rations as from March 1st, 1916," I read to him,
+and sighed with relief. But it was a premature sigh. The trouble was
+only just beginning.
+
+"One-and-eightpence a day, no less, you get, Sergeant," I said.
+
+He was by now an old hand. "One-and-eightpence a day I am authorized to
+get, Sir," he corrected me.
+
+A man not easily depressed, he took a cheerful view of the preliminary
+condition that he was paid monthly, in arrear. He proposed to spend his
+meal-times, during the rationless and moneyless days of March, reading
+the correspondence; quite enough to engage a man's whole attention
+during at least that period.
+
+April 1st, 1916, duly arrived, and with it the renewal of the Sergeant's
+food question, "What, again?" I asked, irritably.
+
+But the Field Cashier, who was first approached on April 3rd, wasn't in
+the least irritated. The subject interested him from the start.
+Moreover, argumentative by nature though he undoubtedly was, he was all
+anxiety to pay. First, however, there were one or two trifling
+formalities to be observed. "You see," he explained, "I can only pay out
+upon an authority."
+
+With some confidence and no little pride we opened our despatch-case and
+produced our correspondence. He read every word of it; his pay corporal
+did the same, and very kindly explained it to us all as he went along.
+"This," they agreed, "is your authority to get the money. What I want is
+an authority to pay it." With expressions of mutual esteem we parted for
+the day, agreeing to give the matter our most earnest consideration
+during the week which must elapse before his return for the next
+pay-day.
+
+We spent a busy week interviewing the forty-nine officers and anyone
+else we could get to listen. Only from the Camp Commandant did we get
+anything approaching enthusiasm. Camp Commandants are men of a patient
+disposition and a never-failing sympathy; what is better still, they
+invariably possess a Sergeant-Major of unscrupulous if altruistic
+cunning. We presented ourselves at the pay-office, on April 10th, armed
+with every possible form of literature, over the Camp Commandant's
+signature, which any reasonable Field Cashier could possibly want to
+read.
+
+The Field Cashier was very pleased to see us; we were very pleased to
+see him. It was a most happy reunion. Only the Command Paymaster's
+presence was wanted to make the thing a success. The Field Cashier gave
+his address, dispensed with the Sergeant's presence at all future
+meetings, and postponed all further proceedings in the matter till April
+17th.
+
+If there was any lack of graciousness in the correspondence with the
+C.P.M., this was, I must at once say, on my side. He wanted to oblige,
+but, being human, he must have his authority.
+
+I sent him the authority to get and the authority to pay. His reply was
+to the effect that both were perfectly delightful and in the very best
+taste, but what was wanted before he could authorize payment was an
+authority to have the account in England credited with the necessary
+fund.
+
+For the first time in my life I positively loathed England.
+
+Bit by bit, however, the C.P.M. softened; but he hadn't softened quite
+enough to satisfy our Field Cashier by April 24th. It was not till May
+1st that he gave in altogether, and went so far as to send a chit to the
+Camp Commandant, authorising him to receive for me the Sergeant's money.
+Meanwhile we had discovered the private residence or funk-hole of our
+F.C., and conversations became daily.
+
+The defect on May 2nd was that the Camp Commandant hadn't signed the
+right receipt.
+
+The defect on May 3rd was that I hadn't got the right receipt to sign.
+
+The defect on May 4th was--yes, hunger had got the better of the
+Sergeant. Though he had got the right receipt and signed it, he had
+signed it in the wrong place.
+
+On May 5th I procured a light lorry, packed into it the Camp Commandant,
+the Sergeant, myself, as many of the forty-nine officers as I could
+lure, pens, ink and paper, and, by mere weight of numbers, I overcame
+the Field Cashier. He scribbled his initials everywhere, inquired in
+notes of what value we would take the money, and undertook, on his
+personal honour, that upon his very next visit to our headquarters
+(where the payment should properly be made) the notes should be ours. I
+asked the Sergeant triumphantly what more he could want. He saluted
+emphatically at the prospect of receiving, on May 8th, the money
+wherewith to buy his food for the period March 1st to April 3rd
+(inclusive).
+
+It was indeed an achievement. Not only were all authorities in existence
+and duly authorised, but the authorities who had authorised the
+authorities were themselves authorised in writing to do so--and that
+authoritatively. However, it was satisfactorily established in formal
+proof that all persons concerned, including the Camp Commandant, myself
+and the Sergeant, were in fact the persons we were represented to be.
+Indeed the last lingering doubt was removed from the mind of the Field
+Cashier as to his own identity, and (hats off, gentlemen!) England had
+done her Bit. It was a reluctant bit, but somehow or other it had been
+done. The money was there. The Command Paymaster could authorise its
+payment; the Field Cashier could pay it; the Camp Commandant could
+receive it; I could obtain it; and the Sergeant could get it. May the
+8th was fast approaching but----
+
+If a man (especially when he's right away in Canada) will be in such a
+hurry to enlist that he cannot spare the time to think out things
+carefully, what can he expect? Shortly after midnight of May 7th to 8th
+a telegram arrived: "Reference my A.B.C. 3535; your X.Y.Z. 97S; their
+decimal nine recurring. Please cancel all payment of rtn. allce. to
+Sergeant Blank, Akk. Akk. Akk. This N.C.O. belonging to a Canadian unit
+should apply direct to Paymaster, Overseas Contingent, Akk."
+
+The Sergeant said nothing, except to ask me how long I thought the War
+was likely to last?
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Subaltern._ "And about this saluting--I want you
+recruits to be very particular about that. Of course, you know, you
+don't salute _me_--you salute the uniform."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Why don't yer see Doctor Smiff abaht it?"
+
+"Is 'e a qualified doctor?"
+
+"I dunno. But I 'ear 'e's done wonders wiv animals."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What our V.T.C.'s have to put up with:--
+
+    "Horsham was reached by tea time, the Company having marched
+    upwards of sixteen miles, apart from its droll work."
+
+    _Sussex Daily News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Forestry Department of the township of Berlin reports that
+    in the Grunewald, the public park between Berlin and Potsdam,
+    1,600 trees had been planted, thus changing about 400 acres of
+    barren land into a forest."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+The statement, like the forest, seems a little thin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XVII.--Blackfriars.
+
+  Seven Black Friars sitting back to back
+  Fished from the bridge for a pike or a jack.
+  The first caught a tiddler, the second caught a crab,
+  The third caught a winkle, the fourth caught a dab,
+  The fifth caught a tadpole, the sixth caught an eel,
+  And the seventh one caught an old cart-wheel.
+
+XVIII.--The Stock Exchange.
+
+  There's a Bull and a Bear, and what do you think?
+  They live in a Garden of white Stocks and pink.
+  "I'll give you a pink Stock for one of your white,"
+  Says the Bear to the Bull; and the Bull says, "All right!"
+  They never make answer if anyone knocks,
+  They are always so busy exchanging their Stocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARTIAL PAT ON THE BACK.
+
+    (_Another Little Lecture on the War, after the style of "The
+    Spectator" (abbreviated)._)
+
+It is no time to waste words in praise of anybody. We want to give and
+mean to give--we may perhaps even say that we hope to give--the Cabinet
+our countenance and some measure of our approval, but neither adulation
+nor encomium. The Editor of this journal is quite ready to allot the
+laurels when they have been earned; he will be found at his post handing
+them out when the time arrives. But not now.
+
+It will be said, no doubt ... (Deletion of what will no doubt be said).
+
+You may ask a man to put his whole strength into drawing a cork, but
+unless you are a fool you do not, while the operation is going forward,
+keep nagging at him because the cork is too firmly jammed, nor do you
+jeer at him for his lack of prescience in not having selected a bottle
+with a wider neck. You do not ask him strings of useless questions as to
+why he doesn't grip the bottle between his feet or get a purchase on it
+with his teeth. Above all you do not keep handing him tools, such as a
+pair of scissors or a button-hook or a crowbar. No. You concentrate
+earnestly upon the provision of an _efficient corkscrew_, if you ever
+hope to taste the imprisoned liquor. And meanwhile, "Don't trip him up"
+should be the order of the day; "Don't catch his eye" should be your
+watchword; "Don't get into the bowler's arm" should be your motto.
+
+We shall be told, of course ... (Deletion of what we shall of course be
+told).
+
+But to discountenance nagging is not to encourage laudation, adulation,
+or encomium, or even praise. These can wait. The cow, to change the
+metaphor, will generally give her milk all the better if she is not in
+the act of being stroked or patted or wreathed with buttercups.
+
+We shall perhaps evoke the retort ... (Deletion of the retort, which
+will perhaps be evoked).
+
+So much for the exact attitude which the Public ought to maintain toward
+the Government during the War. Unfortunately the Public, or rather a
+section of them, have done nothing of the sort. And that is the reason
+why, in spite of good intentions about adulation and all that, it has
+become absolutely necessary for us to step forward and present the
+Ministry with this unsolicited testimonial. The Government is not what
+it appears to be to cross-grained critics seeking for a Rotation of
+suitable scapegoats. Ministers are full of glaring faults. Most of them
+before the War were wickedly engaged in doing all sorts of damage to the
+country, appalling to contemplate. But since the War began they are
+doing what they can to retrieve a lurid past, and we believe that
+History (our intimate colleague who waits to endorse at a later stage
+the views expressed in these columns) will pronounce that they have
+displayed great qualities.
+
+But stay! We are in danger of adulation after all. Let us freely admit
+that they are a sorry lot. We have never been blind to the fact. All the
+same, they have shown the greatest of all qualities in a
+crisis--dispassion almost amounting to torpor. There has never been
+about them the slightest trace of hustle or helter-skelter. They have
+steered with the greatest deliberation a course which they thought was
+the right one for the ship of state to take. To change the metaphor,
+having fixed the route of the national 'bus they have refrained from
+diving down side-streets. (But there we go again, running off into
+laudation. This will not do at all.)
+
+To speak frankly, all the political tenets of the majority of the
+Cabinet are such as can never receive anything but bitter hostility from
+this publication. We can't help it. There is a gulf fixed, that is how
+it comes about. But on the other hand we must not let this view prevent
+us--even though, after all, we are guilty of eulogy--from recognising
+their sterling worth. They are indispensable to the navigation of the
+ship of state. To change the metaphor, we must be content to let the
+train be driven by the engine-driver and not insist upon interference by
+the dining-car attendant.
+
+We are well aware that we lay ourselves open to the charge ... (Deletion
+of the charge to which we lay ourselves open).
+
+Let us then trust the Government, even blindly. Let our motto be the
+immortal words in the "Hunting of the Snark": "_They had often, the
+Bellman said, saved them from wreck: though none of the sailors knew
+how._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY ERROR.
+
+As a rule I am not one to peer over shoulders and read other people's
+letters or papers. But when one is in a queue waiting for one's passport
+to be _vised_, and when one has been there for an hour and still seems
+no nearer to the promised land, and when it is the second time in the
+day that one has been in a queue for the same purpose--once in France
+and once in England--why, some little deflection from the narrow path of
+perfect propriety may be forgiven.
+
+Moreover in other ways I behaved better than many of my
+fellow-travellers, for I stood loyally behind the man in front of me in
+my due place, and did not, as others did, insinuate myself from the side
+into positions to which, by all the laws of precedence and decency, they
+were disentitled. Indeed I even caught myself wondering whether, had I
+any preferential opportunities of getting through first, as some Red
+Cross and otherwise influential people had, I should make use of them.
+To take any advantage of this weary waiting line of suspects, of which I
+was one, would have been almost monstrous.
+
+So, standing there all patiently and dejected, moving forward a foot or
+so every four or five minutes, no wonder that I found myself reading the
+embarkation paper which the gentleman in front of me had filled up and
+was holding so legibly before him.
+
+He was tall and solid and calm and French, with a better cut coat than
+most Frenchmen, even the aristocrats, trouble about. He was
+broad-shouldered and erect, and I was piqued to find him, for all his
+iron-grey hair, five years younger than myself. His name was--never
+mind; but I know it. His profession was given as publicist--as though he
+were Mr. ARNOLD WHITE or Sir HENRY NORMAN, although, for all I know, Sir
+HENRY NORMAN may by now be a Brigadier-General. His reasons for visiting
+England, given in English, were in connection with his profession. But
+after that his English broke down; for when it came to the question what
+was his sex, how do you think he had answered it? I consider that his
+solution of the difficulty was an ample reward to me--and to you, if you
+too have any taste in terminological exactitude--for my fracture of a
+social convention. The word he had wanted was either "male" or
+"masculine"; but they had evaded him. He had then cast about for English
+terminology associated with men, and had thought vaguely of master and
+mister. The result was that the line ran thus:--"Sex: Masterly."
+
+And, looking at the publicist's _soigne_ moustache and firm jaw and
+broad hands, I could believe it. But what an inspiration! And, dear me!
+what will the Panks, if there are any left, say?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To Teachers and Business Ladies. Heathful Holiday in North
+    Wales; brainy air."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Think what it has done for Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Judge_. "Three years."
+
+_Optimistic Prisoner_: "Couldn't you make it 'three years or the
+duration of the War,' me lud?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IDENTIFICATION.
+
+How often the kind of thing occurs that I am about to describe!
+
+Four or five summers ago, before the world went mad, I was on one of
+DAVID MACBRAYNE'S steamers on the way to a Scotch island. Among the few
+passengers was an interesting man, with whom I fell into conversation.
+He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man, with a pointed grey beard and a
+mass of grey hair under a panama, and he was bound, he told me, for a
+well-known fishing-lodge, whither he went every August. He had been a
+great traveller and knew Persia well; he had also been in Parliament,
+and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking. So much I remember of
+his affairs; but his name I did not learn. We talked much about books,
+and I put him on to DOUGHTY'S _Arabia Deserta_.
+
+I have often thought of him since and wondered who he was, and whenever
+I have met fishermen or others likely to be acquainted with this
+attractive and outstanding personality I have asked about him; but never
+with success. And then last week I seemed really to be on the track, for
+I found that my new neighbour in the country has also had the annual
+custom of spending a fortnight or so in the same Scotch island, and he
+claims to know everyone who ever visits that retired spot.
+
+So this is what happened.
+
+"If you're so old an islander as that," I said, "you're the very person
+to solve the problem that I have carried about for four or five years.
+There's a man who fishes regularly up there"--and then I described my
+fellow-passenger. "Tell me," I said, "who he is."
+
+He considered, knitting his brows.
+
+"You're sure you're right in saying he is unusually tall?" he inquired
+at last.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"That's a pity," he said, "because otherwise it might be Sir GERALD
+ORPINGTON. Only he's short. Still, he was in Parliament right enough.
+But, of course, if it was a tall man it's not Orpington."
+
+He considered again.
+
+"You say," he remarked, "that he had been in Persia? Now old Jack
+Beresford is tall enough and has plenty of hair, but I swear he's never
+been to Persia, and of course he hasn't a son at all. It's very odd.
+Describe him again."
+
+I described my man again, and he followed every point on his fingers.
+
+"Well," he said, "I could have sworn I knew every man who ever fished at
+Blank, but this fellow---- Oh, wait a minute! You say he is tall and
+bulky and had travelled, and his son was in the Boer War, and he has
+been in Parliament? Why, it must be old Carstairs. And yet it can't be.
+Carstairs was never married and was never in Parliament."
+
+He pondered again.
+
+Then he said, "You're sure it wasn't a clean-shaven bald man with a
+single eyeglass?"
+
+"Quite," I said.
+
+"Because," he went on, "if he had been it would have been old Peterson
+to the life."
+
+"He wasn't bald or clean-shaven," I said.
+
+"You're sure he said Blank?" he inquired after another interval of
+profound thought.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"Tell me again what he was like. Tell me exactly. I know every one up
+there; I must know him."
+
+"He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man," I said, "with a pointed beard
+and a mass of grey hair under a panama; and he went to Blank every
+August. He had been a great traveller and knew Persia; he had been in
+Parliament, and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking."
+
+"I don't know him," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Foreign gentleman desires English lady to correct him, during
+    one hour every morning, from 9 to 10."--_Bournemouth Daily
+    Echo._
+
+There is one foreigner whom innumerable English ladies would be
+delighted to correct; but he is no gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess (alluding to latest photograph of herself)._
+"Well, dear, do you think it's like me?"
+
+_Polite little Girl._ "Well, I don't think it has made you look
+quite--quite--grown up enough."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BIOLOGY AT THE FRONT."
+
+_To the Editor of "The Times."_
+
+SIR,--I am encouraged by reading the very interesting letter which
+appeared in your issue of May 29th under the heading, "Biology at the
+Front," and dealt with the habit acquired by French poultry of imitating
+the sound of flying shells, to relate an experience which recently
+befell me. I was seated at breakfast "Somewhere in France," and had
+ordered, as is my custom, a boiled egg. When it was brought to me I
+proceeded to open it by giving it a smart tap. The egg immediately
+exploded with a loud report, and the contents were scattered in all
+directions. Those at table with me at once threw themselves prostrate on
+the ground, and one, whose olfactory nerves were excessively developed,
+exhibited every symptom of being gassed. On questioning the innkeeper we
+learnt that the egg had been laid some weeks before by a hen in the
+neighbourhood of the Front. I had previously noticed that it was
+elongated in shape, the small end being pointed and the base end nearly
+flat, while the whole was cased in a shell.
+
+The continuance of this imitative habit would be a strange perpetual
+memorial of the Great War--particularly for Pacificist politicians.
+
+Yours, &c., Darwinian.
+
+_The Ashpit, Egham._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR'S SURPRISES.
+
+The Poet.
+
+  My gifted nephew Eric
+    Till just before the War
+  Was steeped in esoteric
+    And antinomian lore,
+  Now verging on the mystic,
+  Now darkly symbolistic,
+  Now frankly Futuristic,
+    And modern to the core.
+
+  Versed in the weird grivoiserie
+    Affected by VERLAINE,
+  And charmed by the chinoiserie
+    Of MARINETTI'S strain,
+  In all its multiplicity
+  He worshipped eccentricity,
+  And found his chief felicity
+    In aping the insane.
+
+  And yet this freak ink-slinger,
+    When England called for men,
+  Straight ceased to be a singer
+    And threw away his pen,
+  Until, with twelve months' training
+  And six months' hard campaigning,
+  The lure of paper-staining
+    Has vanished from his ken.
+
+  For now his former crazes
+    He utterly eschews;
+  The world on which he gazes
+    Has lost its hectic hues;
+  No more a bard crepuscular
+  Who writes in script minuscular,
+  He only woos the muscular
+    And military Muse.
+
+  Transformed by contact hourly
+    With heroes simple-souled,
+  He looks no longer sourly
+    On men of normal mould,
+  But, purged of mental vanity
+  And erudite inanity,
+  The clay of his humanity
+    Is turning fast to gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE ROAD TO RAGDAD."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not even LITTLE WILLIE could think of a better way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SECOND-HAND HEARSE Wanted; body must be up to date and
+    reasonable."
+
+    _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+And not insist on a brand-new outfit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITHOUT PREJUDICE.
+
+[Illustration: Ferdie. "I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE?"
+
+Tino. "OH, NO! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. THIS IS LIBERTY HALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 29th._--When Mr. ANDERSON alleged that a certain firm,
+desirous of getting its employes exempted, had "hospitably entertained"
+the members of the local tribunal at its works, we felt that we were on
+the fringe of a grave scandal. A picture of the tribunal replete with
+salmon and champagne rose before the mind's eye. But when we learned
+from the Ministerial reply that the refreshment alluded to consisted of
+"tea and bread-and-butter" the vision faded away. Those innocent viands
+could not connote corruption.
+
+_A propos_ of tribunals, the House learned with delight that the
+military representative at Middlesbrough is Mr. HUSTLER HUSTLER.
+Obviously the Government have at last discovered "the man of push and
+go" for whom they were looking a year ago.
+
+Mr. MCKENNA was a little short-tempered this afternoon. He first
+descended heavily upon Mr. SAMUEL SAMUEL, who had suggested that it was
+time to issue another War Loan, instead of borrowing so heavily upon
+Treasury Bills. The hon. member, he declared, had no right to speak for
+that mysterious entity, "the City." When Sir F. BANBURY, who indubitably
+has that right, endorsed Mr. SAMUEL'S appeal, Mr. MCKENNA took refuge
+under a point of order--rather an exiguous form of shelter for a
+Minister of the Crown.
+
+[Illustration: Has Lord Kitchener, in his passionate desire to encourage
+the Volunteers, ever thought of the untapped resources of the Tower of
+London?]
+
+_Tuesday, May 30th._--The uncertainty of the Volunteers as to whether
+they are regarded by the War Office as a very present help in time of
+trouble or as a confounded nuisance will hardly be removed by Lord
+KITCHENER'S speech. True he said many nice things about them, and
+particularly about the behaviour of the Dublin corps during the
+insurrection, but when it came to a tangible recognition of their
+usefulness he had very little to offer. All the money available was
+required for the Army. The Volunteers must be content with such
+part-worn equipment and old-fashioned weapons as he could find them.
+
+On the Consolidated Fund Bill Mr. FELL and other Members for East Anglia
+represented very poignantly the woes inflicted upon their constituencies
+by the air and sea raids. Fishermen and lodging-house keepers were alike
+deprived of their livelihood. Could not the Government do something for
+them, either by billeting soldiers or by direct grants-in-aid?
+
+Mr. HAYES FISHER in reply exuded sympathy at every pore. The previous
+speakers had, as he said, painted "a deplorable picture of gloom," and
+he laid on the colours from an even more opulent palette. But on the
+question of actual relief he was painfully indefinite. Billeting--that
+was a question for the War Office; grants--they were a matter for the
+Treasury. The East Anglers who thought their fish safely hooked had to
+go away empty.
+
+_Wednesday, May 31st._--Not content with having laid sacrilegious hands
+on the clock, the Government have now deranged the calendar and kicked
+Whit-Monday into August. But it is all in the good cause of piling up
+shells against the Bosches, so the House cheerfully approved the PRIME
+MINISTER'S announcement.
+
+For some days there have been rumours of an impending attack upon Lord
+KITCHENER, to be led by Colonel CHURCHILL. Perhaps that was why Mr.
+TENNANT, who moved the Vote for the War Office, decided to get his blow
+in first. His short speech began with a jibe at his critic's strategical
+omniscience, though it is not true that he referred to him as "the right
+hon. and recently gallant gentleman"; proceeded with a denial of most of
+his assumptions, and ended with a high tribute to LORD KITCHENER'S
+prevision in raising a great army to cope with a long war.
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL did not pick up the gage thus ostentatiously thrown
+down, but some of his friends were less discreet, and developed a
+close-range assault upon LORD KITCHENER. The PRIME MINISTER is never
+seen to greater advantage than when he is defending a colleague, and he
+declared that the WAR SECRETARY was personally entitled to the credit
+for the amazing expansion of the army.
+
+Unofficial tributes were not wanting. Sir MARK SYKES asserted that in
+Germany the WAR SECRETARY was feared as a great organiser, while in the
+East his name was one to conjure with; and Sir GEORGE REID declared that
+his chief fault was that he was "not clever at circulating the cheap
+coin of calculated civilities which enable inferior men to rise to
+positions to which they are not entitled."
+
+_Thursday, June 1st_.--In moving that the House should at its rising
+adjourn until June 20th, the PRIME MINISTER felt it necessary to remove
+any impression that the Government, while asking everybody else to
+sacrifice their Whitsun holiday, were themselves going junketing.
+
+Like Old TOM MORRIS, who rebuked a would-be Sunday golfer by saying "if
+you don't want your Sabbath rest the links do," he pointed out that the
+continuous sittings of the House threw a double burden not only upon
+Ministers--one of whom, Mr. RUNCIMAN, has unhappily broken down--but
+also upon the permanent officials. Even Members of Parliament, he slily
+added, might be under a misapprehension in supposing that constant
+attendance at the House was the best way in which they could discharge
+their duty to their country in time of war.
+
+The Nationalist Members are doing their best to "give LLOYD GEORGE a
+chance." True, they ask an inordinate number of questions arising out of
+the hot Easter week in Dublin--when, according to the local wit, it was
+"'98 in the shade"--but otherwise they have sternly repressed any
+tendency to factiousness. Yesterday, when a freelance sought to move the
+adjournment of the House in order to denounce the continuance of martial
+law in Ireland, not a single other Member rose to support him; and
+to-day, though Mr. DILLON could not resist the temptation to make a
+speech on the same subject, he showed a refreshing restraint.
+
+Only once--when he declared that "if you can reach the hearts of the
+Irish people you can do anything with them; but they will not be driven,
+and you cannot crush them"--did his voice approach that painfully high
+pitch which irreverent critics have been known to describe as "Sister
+Mary Jane's top-note."
+
+Mr. ASQUITH in reply was sympathetic but firm. The Government were not
+deaf to the plea for leniency which had been addressed to them by all
+Irish representatives, by Sir EDWARD CARSON as well as by Mr. REDMOND.
+But they could not give an undertaking that there should be an end of
+the courts-martial. As for the persons deported from Ireland, for whom
+Mr. DILLON had specially appealed, it would be more humane in their own
+interests not to bring them to trial at once, for that would mean a crop
+of convictions and sentences which would increase instead of allaying
+the alleged irritation in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_examining recruit_). "And do you always
+stutter like that?"
+
+_Recruit_. "N-n-no, Sir. Only w-w-w-when I t-t-talk."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR developed a really ingenious argument. To show that
+martial law ought now to be dropped he mentioned that if he attempted to
+hold a recruiting meeting in his constituency his life would not be
+worth half-an-hour's purchase. Members who were thinking of spending the
+recess in Ireland were greatly impressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Fishpingle."
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_, "that almighty man, the county god," claimed to
+exercise the same divine right over the souls of his village that he
+exercised, in the matter of breeding, over the bodies of his cattle and
+pigs. Nothing, I think, has brought the present War more closely home to
+my bosom than the humours of this feudal relic--taken in all seriousness
+by everyone, including the author. It seems almost inconceivable that
+Mr. VACHELL's play deals with conditions that still survived only a few
+years ago. Yet the Squire's devotion to the science of eugenics
+establishes its date as quite recent. It was his sole taint of
+modernity; and indeed where his own son's marriage was concerned he
+omitted to apply his scientific principles, and made a choice for him in
+which no regard was paid to eugenics, but only to established social
+traditions.
+
+At first the play opened up prospects of a pleasant gaiety. A love
+scene, conducted in a rich Western brogue, between the _Squire_'s
+footman and his still-room maid, and the embarrassment caused by her
+eagerness to learn the philosophy of "eujanics," were full of promise.
+It was confirmed by the appearance of Mr. AINLEY, whose manner reminded
+us of his many triumphs in the art of eccentric detachment. His
+part--the title-role--was that of _Sir Geoffrey's_ faithful butler, on
+such familiar, though respectful, terms with his master that the two
+sipped port together in the former's room in broad daylight while
+discussing family matters. They took an unconscionable time about it,
+but, as I said, it promised well. However, Mr. VACHELL had other designs
+than our mere amusement. We were not to have our comedy without paying
+for it with our heart's blood. Very soon the shadow of melodramatic
+pathos and mystery crept over the sunny scene. _Fishpingle_ takes a box
+from a cupboard and glances at a miniature and a bundle of letters.
+There is illegitimacy in the air, and a lady near me in the stalls
+confides to her neighbour that "he's the _Squire's_ half-brother." I
+can't think where she got her information, for the rest of us never
+learned the facts of the mystery till the very end of the evening, and
+even then the details of _Fishpingle's_ origin only transpired (as they
+say) under extreme pressure arising out of his dismissal by his master
+on the strength of a violent disagreement about fundamentals.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey's_ father, it seems, had before his marriage run away with
+a girl not of his own rank, who had generously refused to spoil the
+family tree by marrying him; and _Fishpingle_ was the result. You might
+judge from the peculiarity of his surname that the matter was taken
+lightly by his parents. But you would be wrong. His mother died when he
+was born, and his first name (for I cannot call it a Christian name) was
+_Benoni_, which, being interpreted, means "the child of sorrow." _Sir
+Geoffrey's_ grandmother, who had discouraged the legal adjustment of the
+relationship between the lovers, had tried to repair matters by
+educating _Fishpingle_ above the obscurity of his irregular birth; hence
+his comparative erudition, rare in a butler.
+
+[Illustration: THE BREED OF THE POMFRETS.
+
+_Fishpingle_ (_to himself_). "How anybody can fail to see the
+extraordinary family likeness between us I cannot imagine."
+
+_Fishpingle_.... Mr. Henry Ainley.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_. Mr. Allan Aynesworth.]
+
+Now the opening of the play had put me into a mood which was not the
+right one for the reception of this extract from a deplorable past. Some
+comedies would be all the better for a little tragic relief; but this
+was too much. Mr. VACHELL had no business to give his play a title like
+_Fishpingle_. He should have called it "Nature's Nobleman, or The
+Tragical Romance of a Faithful Butler's Birth," and then I might have
+known what to expect. As it was I felt aggrieved. It was not, of course,
+a question of asking for my money back at the doors (critics, to be just
+to them, never do this in the case of a complimentary seat), but I felt
+I had a right to protest against this attempt to harrow my
+heart-strings, attuned as they were to the key of comedy, with a painful
+drama dating back to more than half a century before the rise of the
+curtain, and with its chief actors all dead. And the irritating mystery
+in which it was wrapped only made things worse. Further, I suffered a
+considerable strain on both my head and my heart in consequence of
+obscure hints (vaguely involving a photograph on his mantelpiece) as to
+the reason why _Fishpingle_ remained a bachelor to the bitter end.
+
+But I am ashamed to appear flippant, for Mr. AINLEY played with
+exquisite feeling and a fine sincerity. And I have to thank Mr. VACHELL
+for giving us some excellent studies of character--not character
+developed before our eyes by circumstance (except perhaps a little at
+the last), but admirably observed as a kind of fixture to be taken with
+the house.
+
+And if the play is not quite on the high level of Mr. GALSWORTHY'S _The
+Eldest Son_, which it faintly recalls, it is much more worthy of Mr.
+VACHELL'S gifts than the poor thing, _Penn_, which died so young. Also
+he is very much more fortunate this time in his cast. Miss MARION TERRY,
+as _Lady Pomfret_, was a pattern of sweet graciousness; and Mr. ALLAN
+AYNESWORTH was at his happiest as _Sir Geoffrey_. And the two pairs of
+lovers, Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND and Miss MAUD BELL above stairs, and Mr.
+REGINALD BACH and Miss DORIS LYTTON below (they were really all of them
+on the ground floor, the butler's room being the common trysting-place),
+served as delightful examples of natural selection--both on their own
+part and that of the management--and were as fresh and healthy as the
+most eugenical could desire.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Daddy Long-Legs."
+
+_Daddy Long-Legs_ is a pleasant American sentimental comedy made by JEAN
+WEBSTER out of her very jolly book, and not so sticky as some of our
+importations of the same general type. The four Acts are phases in the
+development of _Judy_ (or _Jerusha_) _Abbott_, orphan; and, as normally
+happens in book-plays, development is extremely abrupt. Act I. shows us
+_Judy_ as the drudge of the orphanage breaking into flame of rebellion
+on the day of the visit of the trustees. Naturally the trustees are all
+trustees _pour rire_, except one real good rich man, _Jervis Pendleton_,
+who admires the orphan's spirit, and decides that she is to have her
+chance at his charges; but is on no account to know her benefactor.
+
+In Act II., a year later, _Judy_ is not merely the most popular but the
+best dressed girl in her college. She still dreams about her unknown
+benefactor, whom she calls _Daddy Long-Legs_, and assumes to be a hoary
+old man. _Pendleton_ comes to Commem., or its equivalent, to have a peep
+at his ward, and loses his heart. In the Third Act, three years later,
+our heroine is a famous author, and _Pendleton_, coming (still incog.)
+to propose, is refused by a _Judy_ who has taken to worrying unduly (and
+not altogether convincingly, if you ask me) about her lack of family.
+And, of course, in Act IV., wedding bells.
+
+Miss RENEE KELLY has a charming personality, and a smile which alone is
+worth going to see. She trounced the matron and the incredible trustees
+with a fierce fury, and seemed to have easy command of the changes of
+mood and tense which her fast-moving circumstances required. A pretty
+twinkling star. Mr. CHARLES WALDRON is a skilful actor. If he, perhaps,
+grimaced a little too much by way of not letting us miss the obvious
+points of the little mystery, he made as admirable a proposal of
+marriage as I have ever heard on the stage (or off it for that matter,
+with perhaps one exception); but to suppose that so accomplished a lover
+would accept a mere mournful shake of the head as a final refusal is
+simply too absurd. Miss FAY DAVIS made quite a little triumph of gentle
+gracious kindliness out of one of those potentially tiresome explanatory
+parts without which no mystifications can be contrived. Miss KATE JEPSON
+is a comedienne of rich grain, and gave a very amusing study of the
+hero's old nurse. Miss JEAN GADELL, that clever specialist in dour
+unpleasant stage women, made a properly repulsive thing out of the
+matron of the orphanage. Mr. HYLTON ALLEN scored his points as a comic
+lover with droll effect. If the distinctly clever children of the home
+(_Judy_ excepted) had been effectively put on the contraband list I
+should not have worried. They were unduly noisy (for art, not for life
+perhaps), and they overdid their parts, being not only rowdy in the
+absence, and abject in the presence, of authority, but different kinds
+of children--not merely the same children in two moods.
+
+Altogether a pleasant play pleasantly and competently performed.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CABINET LEEKAGE."--Daily Paper.
+
+Now why, we wonder, do they spell it that way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Alleged Cannibalism in the German Navy.
+
+    "The prisoners got the same food as the submarine crew. Here is
+    the bill of fare: Breakfast consisted of coffee, black bread,
+    submarine commander and he pilot."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Jimmy Wilde, the fly-weight champion, took part in two contests
+    at Woolwich on Saturday, winning them both with great ease.
+    Darkey Saunders, Camberwell, was beaten in three
+    months."--_Burton Daily Mail._
+
+The reporter also seems to have been knocked out of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the area of the garden cannot be increased, the quantity and
+    quality of the crops should be improved by the extra hour of
+    daylight."--_The Times._
+
+For this discovery our contemporary is hereby recommended for the famous
+Chinese Order of the Excellent Crop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A letter sent on Friday saying, 'We are starting a central mess
+    for 1,200 men on Monday,' and asking: 'Can you send cooks?'
+    brings as a reply 24 trained women cooks, who roll up their
+    sleeves and cook breakfast for the number stated inside 12
+    hours!"
+
+    _The Times._
+
+What was breakfast to some must have been supper to others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSINGS ON MILK-CANS.
+
+  When I travel up to London by an early morning train
+  Or return into the country when the day is on the wane,
+      At the smallest railway station
+      There's a dreadful demonstration
+  Which causes me unmitigated pain.
+
+  I'm aware that milk is needed for our infant girls and boys;
+  That it aids adult dyspeptics to regain "digestive poise";
+      But I've never comprehended
+      Why its transport is attended
+  By the maximum of diabolic noise.
+
+  I admit the railway porter who can deftly twirl a can
+  In each hand along the platform is no ordinary man;
+      But what kills me is the banging
+      And the clashing and the clanging
+  As he hurls them in or hauls them from the van.
+
+  Now if some new material for these vessels could be found--
+  Non-metallic and in consequence a silencer of sound--
+      There would be within our borders
+      Fewer nerve and brain disorders
+  And more of moral uplift to go round.
+
+  I know a dashing journalist, a credit to his trade,
+  Who's always in the thick of it whenever there's a raid.
+      Bombs of various sorts and sizes
+      He describes and analyses,
+  But he can't endure a long milk-cannonade.
+
+  I've written to our Member, Dr. Philadelphus Snell,
+  To ask a question in the House--I think he'd do it well--
+      If our cows' nerves should be mangled
+      By the way their milk is jangled;
+  And, if he doesn't play, I'll try GINNELL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German Emperor and the Crown Prince._)
+
+_The German Emperor._ Sit down, won't you?
+
+_The Crown Prince._ Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing. One's legs get
+so cramped in a motor-car.
+
+_The G. E._ Sit down!
+
+_The C. P._ Really, I----
+
+_The G. E._ SIT DOWN!!
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll--yes, yes,
+there I am. Are you happy now?
+
+_The G. E._ I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence from a
+whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty----
+
+_The C. P._ I know what you're going to say: if you did your duty you'd
+have me arrested and packed off to prison. Isn't that it? Yes, I thought
+so. You want to be like old FREDERICK WILLIAM. He had FREDERICK THE
+GREAT sentenced to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence
+carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. FREDERICK WILLIAM was mad,
+you know--as mad as a hatter, and----
+
+_The G. E._ Stop it. I will not have you add to your other misdeeds the
+crime of irreverence against one of the greatest and worthiest members
+of our royal House.
+
+_The C. P._ Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare say you regret
+that, but there it is, and you won't alter it by glaring at me and
+threatening me with your moustache. I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof
+by this time.
+
+_The G. E._ What have I done to deserve such a son?
+
+_The C. P._ If it comes to that there's another way of putting it. What
+have _I_ done to deserve such a father?--that's what I might ask; but
+I'm too respectful, too careful of your feelings. And what's my reward?
+You're always nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why can't
+you give it a rest?
+
+_The G. E._ This is beyond endurance. But it has always been the same
+from the time you cut your teeth until now--no filial piety, no
+consideration for your mother and me; only a cross-grained selfishness
+and bad temper. What happened in India?
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going over that old story again, I'm off.
+
+_The G. E._ _Donnerwetter noch einmal!_ Sit still, I tell you. I say
+again, what happened in India? You never thought of ingratiating
+yourself with the native chiefs. You couldn't even keep your engagements
+or be punctual. All you thought of was running after some girl whose
+face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have kept you at home
+or sent you to London. What a creature to be a Crown Prince!
+
+_The C. P. (wearily)._ There you go again. But I protest against such
+treatment. I'd far rather be back before Verdun with old VON HAeSELER
+grandmothering me all over the place.
+
+_The G. E._ I wonder you dare to mention the word Verdun in my presence.
+
+_The C. P._ Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself Commander of the
+Verdun armies. You did that, and I've done my best to obey your orders
+and those of the High Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose
+thousands upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do be reasonable,
+my respected father. It was you who wanted Verdun. You won't be happy
+till you get it, and if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an
+old shoe without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if we
+succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the credit of it. If
+Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick time to take the salute in
+your shining----
+
+_The G. E._ Silence, jackanapes!
+
+_The C. P._ And if we don't get through poor old VON HAeSELER will have
+to retire. You'll send him your photograph in a gold frame to console
+him, just as you consoled BISMARCK. Pity there's no BISMARCK now.
+However, we can't have everything, can we?
+
+(_Left quarrelling._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames
+    Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat."
+
+    _The Journal (Calcutta)._
+
+This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines have no
+doubt before now been accounted for by our naval rams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph of
+    organisation.' Is it not simpler to say--that when a man knows
+    exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should
+    be done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his
+    requirements to what is possible; and then, by far the most
+    important thing of all, can so deal with the many under his
+    command that each is most furiously anxious to do what the
+    leader wants--why then, things go right."--_Westminster
+    Gazette._
+
+The answer is in the negative.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of
+    this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at
+    Oxford later on, and seems to have got the best out of both
+    forms of training--the unhasting and unresting labour of 'the
+    Shop,' which aims only at making competent gunners and sappers,
+    and the easy-going round of University life which enlarges one's
+    sympathy and stimulates the imagination."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that the writer of the
+above extract must also have been at Oxford, where the imagination gets
+stimulated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy)._ "Ullo,
+Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?"
+
+_Lady._ "Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it. They
+don't seem to like it much."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT NEUTRAL.
+
+I am the Neutral Journalist who wanders round Europe. I am absolutely
+impartial. I am absolutely trustworthy. My perfect integrity is vouched
+for at the head of all my articles. Pleasant it is to come over to
+London, sell one set of articles to the Boom Press and another to the
+Gloom Press, and then sit down with smiling face and begin an article
+for Germany: "I sit in a hovel amongst the ruins of Fleet Street, with
+the wreck of the armoured fort of St. Paul's in view. I hear a stir
+outside. A wild mob of conscientious objectors is beating a recruiting
+officer to death. Such things happen hourly in defeated Albion." My
+series of London, Liverpool, Manchester and Birmingham--all in
+ashes--has proved so successful that I propose to cover all the large
+towns and construct a Baedeker of ruins.
+
+Yet I pride myself more on my work for England's Press. My German
+articles have all to be in the same vein. Only the Boom Press exists in
+Germany. But in England one can vary one's view and do artistic work.
+You must have read my story of the struggle for the last sausage in a
+Frankfort butcher's shop--how the troops intervened and the crowd
+attacked them, and how ultimately 1,400 civilians were mown down with
+machine guns--and the sausage was eaten by the General Officer
+commanding the Army Corps that suppressed the rising. You must also have
+seen my description of the KAISER--his white hair, bent shoulders,
+deathlike look as he passed, protected by his Guards from the wild fury
+of the Berlin mob. Of course I have another KAISER, the bright smiling
+man whose youth seems to have been renewed by the War, who waves his
+hand to the madly enthusiastic crowds waiting round the Palace for a
+glimpse of their divinity.
+
+You must have read my secret interviews with distinguished Germans, who
+whispered to me that HINDENBURG had thrown down his sword and declared
+that if the useless slaughter did not cease he would march on Berlin. I
+have told you their promises of bloody revolutions and fierce risings.
+Also I have given you interviews with other distinguished Germans, who
+confided to me that now Germany could turn out one submarine and one
+Zeppelin every week-day and two on Sundays, and I have thrilled you with
+the details of the great trade war which will come directly peace is
+declared, when Germany will win back all her wealth by selling
+everything fifty per cent. below cost.
+
+How my dinners vary in that strange Teutonic land! I pay twenty marks
+for two tiny slices of fish, a thin piece of indigestible potato bread,
+and a section of rancid sausage. At other times I spend two marks and
+get a delightful meal which could not be procured in a London restaurant
+for five shillings. I walk through Berlin and see scarcely a cripple or
+a wounded man. I let you know that ninety-five per cent. of German
+wounded, owing to the skill of German doctors, go back to the Front in a
+week. To other English readers I confide that all the maimed, wounded
+and blind are sent into the very centre of Germany. There are huge
+districts without a whole man in them.
+
+Did you ask for the actual facts? I will give you one--and it is this:
+the only persons in Germany whose waist-measurements have increased in
+the War are the neutral journalists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _Hearts of Alsace_ (SMITH, ELDER) your interest will be held less by
+the actual story than by the profoundly moving and poignant picture that
+Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS has drawn of life in the Reichsland under the
+increasing burden of Prussian tyranny. It is a picture that one feels to
+be absolutely true. The author writes of what she knows. This Alsatian
+family--old _Jean Barthelemy_, the city father, crushed and embittered
+by the fate of his loved Mulhouse; his two daughters and the circle of
+their friends within the town--all live and move and look longingly
+towards the West, as so many others must have done these forty and odd
+years past. The plot, what there is of it, concerns the clandestine love
+of _Claire_, the petted younger daughter of the Gley house, for an
+officer in the conqueror's host, whom she had met during a visit to
+Strasburg. _Claire_ marries her _Kurt_, a shady worthless knave, and, as
+the book ends with the outbreak of war, is left to an unknown fate. Very
+stirring are the chapters that tell of the tumult of emotion that broke
+loose when the French guns were heard in Mulhouse; though here--as in
+all those war stories whose only satisfactory end is the final confusion
+of Kaiserdom--one feels that there is a chapter yet to be added. Miss
+BETHAM-EDWARDS writes with all the vigour (I might add all the
+garrulity) of intense personal feeling. Her book, as a race study, is a
+real contribution to the literature of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+These are days in which some measure of sacrifice is rightly considered
+the common duty of everyone, so long as it is sacrifice with an object.
+Perhaps this consideration gives me less patience with the preposterous
+kind, which, as a motive in fiction, usually consists in the hero
+inviting all and sundry to trample upon his prospects and reputation.
+This is what the chief character in _Proud Peter_ (HUTCHINSON) did. He
+began by allowing it to be supposed that he was the father of his
+brother's illegitimate child, the bright peculiar fatuousness of which
+pretence was that thereby the said brother was enabled to marry, and
+break the heart of, the heroine, whom, of course, Peter himself adored.
+Also, many years after, when the child, now an objectionable young man,
+nay more, an actor, was pursuing another heroine with his unwelcome
+attentions, he very nearly spiked _Peter's_ guns, on being threatened,
+by exclaiming, "I am thy son"--or words to that effect. Fortunately,
+however, there existed, as I had somehow known would be the case, a
+signed photograph that put all that right. Why, I wonder, is Mr. W. E.
+NORRIS always so sharp with the dramatic profession? Was it not in one
+of his earlier stories that somebody quite seriously questions whether a
+good actor can also be a good man? On the whole, as you may have
+gathered, while I should call Proud Peter a comfortable tale of the
+eupeptic type, I enjoyed it rather less than other stories from the same
+facile pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTHUR GREEN'S _The Story of a Prisoner of War_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) can
+be recommended to all who can still digest the uncooked facts. "I can
+swear," he says, "that all that is written is Gospel truth," but without
+any such assurance it would be impossible for even the most sceptical to
+doubt the writer's honesty. Wounded and taken prisoner in August, 1914,
+he suffered severely at the hands of the Germans, and his account of the
+camp at Wittenburg does nothing to decrease one's loathing for that
+pestilential spot. For many reasons it gives that a civilized race can
+sink to such depths of cruelty and cowardice. Perhaps the only people to
+whom it will give any comfort are those who have sent food and clothing
+to our prisoners. But I am glad that this book came my way, because I
+would choose to read facts of the War baldly written by a soldier rather
+than any war fiction composed by imaginative civilians. "Of course I'm
+not an author," he writes, and as far as grammar and spelling go it is
+not for me to contradict him, but he has seen and suffered, and in these
+days no one who has handled a bayonet need apologise for taking a turn
+with a pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Encouraged, no doubt, by the reception accorded to that cheery little
+volume, _Minor Horrors of War_, its author, Dr. A. E. SHIPLEY, has now
+followed it with an equally entertaining sequel in More Minor Horrors
+(SMITH, ELDER). This deals more especially with the pests attached to
+the Senior Service, and familiar to those who go down to the sea in
+ships--the Cockroach, the Mosquito, the Rat, the Biscuit-Weevil and
+others. Of each Dr. SHIPLEY has some pleasant word of instruction or
+comment to say, in his own highly entertaining manner. I like, for
+example, his remark about the mosquito (whose infinite variety is
+recognised in no fewer than five chapters), that, if he could talk, the
+burden of his song would be that of the guests at the dinner-party in
+_David Copperfield_--"Give us blood!" And I found good omen in the
+cockroach world on learning that _Periplaneta Orientalis_, or the common
+English sort, has _P. Germanica_ thoroughly beat in the matter of
+empire-building. In short, Dr. SHIPLEY'S second volume, like his first,
+combines instruction with amusement, and is well worth its modest
+eighteen-pence to those on land who may wish to learn about the intimate
+associates of their dear ones who are defending them upon the sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"In the Midst of Life----"
+
+    "Good Greengrocer and Mixed Business, sure living; death cause
+    of leaving."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Author (dictating)._ "'The room was filled with
+dynamite, gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, cans of petrol and other high
+explosives. A train of powder had been laid and was swiftly burning its
+way to the heap of combustibles. Clarence, tied to a post, listened to
+the retreating footsteps of the Huns, a smile of contempt curling his
+sensitive nostrils.' Clarence is in a tight place, Miss Brown, and I
+don't know yet how we'll get him out of it. Can you suggest anything?"
+
+_Amanuensis (brightly)._ "Why not have peace proclaimed?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
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