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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 7, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 17, 2007  [eBook #23064]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23064-h.htm or 23064-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h/23064-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JUNE 7, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A correspondent writes to tell us of a painful experience which he has
+had in consequence of his efforts to practise war-time economy in the
+matter of dress. The other evening, after going to bed at dusk in order
+to save artificial light, he was rung up by the police at 1 A.M. and
+charged with showing a light. It appears that he had gone to bed with
+his blind up, after throwing his well-worn trousers over the back of a
+chair, and that the rays of a street lamp had caught the glossy sheen of
+this garment and been reflected into the eagle eye of the constable.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Reuter's message the Greeks are "much preoccupied" at the
+seizure of strategic positions on Greek territory by Bulgarian troops.
+The preoccupation, it is thought, should have been done by the Allies.
+
+       ***
+
+While he was on his way to make a Memorial Day speech at Kansas City,
+Mo., an open knife was thrown at Ex-President ROOSEVELT. Some of his
+bitterest friends in the journalistic world allege that it was just a
+paper knife.
+
+       ***
+
+Last week a number of professional fortune-tellers were fined at
+Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their
+pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had
+been unable to foresee the coming of the Zeppelins until some time after
+they had arrived.
+
+       ***
+
+The export of sardines in oil from Sweden is prohibited. Some resentment
+is felt at the order by the Germans, who with their customary ingenuity
+have for some time been importing india-rubber sardines in petrol
+without detection.
+
+       ***
+
+A soldier at Salonika has sent a live tortoise home to his relatives at
+Streatham. The tortoise, it is understood, was too fidgety to bear up
+against its surroundings and was sent home for a little excitement.
+
+       ***
+
+If, on the other hand, the tortoise was just sent as a souvenir we
+should discourage the practice. The tendency on the part of our soldiers
+in India and Egypt to send home elephants and camels as mementos of the
+localities in which they are serving is already putting something of a
+strain upon the postal authorities.
+
+       ***
+
+From "The World of Letters" in _The Observer_: "Some day there will be a
+cheap edition of Captain Ian Hay's war book, _The First Four Hundred_,
+and the sale will be immense.... The Blackwoods are old-fashioned modest
+people, who do not parade figures...." In the present case, however, we
+do not think they would have objected to the reviewer parading a further
+99,600 in the title of IAN HAY'S book.
+
+       ***
+
+"The question of alien waiters in London hotels rests with those who
+patronise the hotels," says a contemporary. In other words, the
+pernicious practice which had grown up before the War of ordering German
+waiters with one's dinner must be abandoned before the hotel managers
+will remove them permanently from their menus.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE has come out with a strong denunciation of
+"devilry" in German music. How little we suspected, before the War
+opened our deluded eyes, that it was no mere lack of skill but the
+fierce promptings of a demoniac hate that marred our evenings on the
+esplanade.
+
+       ***
+
+From The _Northern Whig's_ account of a visit to the Cruiser Fleet:--"It
+was a proud moment when from the deck of a fast-moving destroyer the
+long lines of the mighty Armada, with here and there the neat little
+pinnacles darting in and out, were surveyed." Obviously a misprint for
+binnacles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Vivian Vavasour, the melodrama actor, delights in the
+comparative peace of the trenches.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSED AND THE AMUSERS.
+
+All the windows of the V.A.D. hospital were brilliantly lighted up, and
+through them floated the strains of a piano and occasional bursts of
+laughter. Number One Ward, however, was quite empty except for my
+friend, Private McPhee, stalking majestically up and down as if on
+sentry go, wearing a "fit of the blues" several sizes too large for him
+and an expression which would, I believe, be described by kailyard
+novelists as "dour."
+
+"Bong jaw, Mademawselle," he exclaimed, bringing his stick smartly to
+the salute, "or rather bong saw, tae be correct."
+
+McPhee has affected the Gallic tongue since his sojourn in France.
+
+"Why, what are you doing all by yourself, McPhee?" I asked. "Are you on
+duty?"
+
+"Na, na," he said, "ah'm pleasin' masel just."
+
+He paused and emitted a fierce chuckle.
+
+"Ah'm gettin' even," he announced; "they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman."
+
+"But whatever made them want you to do that, McPhee?"
+
+"One o' thae nurses," continued the patient smoulderingly. "Ah fought at
+Mons, an' Ah fought at New Chapelle, an' Ah fought at Wipers, that's
+what ignorant pairsons ca' Eepers; and they wantit me to gang oot wi' a
+wumman. Why for did they no send me oot to fight the Jairmans in a
+peerambulator?"
+
+"Oh," I said, at last enlightened. "But surely, McPhee, the nurses are
+very nice. And think how hurt they will be if you won't go out with
+them."
+
+"Ah'm no denyin' some o' them are a' recht," said McPhee grudgingly,
+"but it's a maitter o' preenciple. An' I'm gettin' even wi' them the
+noo!"
+
+He chuckled again.
+
+"But how are you getting even?"
+
+"Ah'm no dressin' up for them," said the vengeful one; "ye ken thae
+nurses are havin' a kin' of a bairthday pairty or the like, an' a' the
+men's dressed up to please them. An' if Ah canna gang oot to please
+masel, Ah canna dress oop like a monkeyback to please them.
+
+"They wantit me to dress up for CHAIRLIE CHAPLIN. Man, the nurse was
+argle-barglin' a clock hour tryin' to persuade me to put thae claes on.
+'Oh, do' (he squeaked), 'to please me, McPhee.' ... But Ah wouldna. Ah
+turnit ma face to the wa' an' wouldna speak a wurrd.
+
+"Ye ken, the ward that gets the maist votes gets a prize, an' thae
+nurses is awfu' set on their ward winnin' it. Ah could ha' won it for
+Number One. Fine cud I. Ah can turn masel oot so's my ain brither
+couldna tell me from HARRY LAUDER. But Ah wouldna. If I canna gang
+oot----"
+
+At this point the door opened and a dejected apparition in a ruff and
+petticoats, like a rumpled remnant of a pre-war pageant, drifted in and
+sat down on a bed.
+
+"Ah weel, Queen Elizabeth, hae they dune wi' ye yet?" inquired McPhee
+sardonically.
+
+Gloriana shook his head. "They're playin' musical chairs," he said
+gloomily, "so I thought as I wouldn't be missed for a bit. This thing
+round my neck does tickle, but my nurse'd be awful 'urt if I took it
+off."
+
+McPhee emitted an ejaculation--Gaelic, I believe--usually expressed in
+writing "Mphm."
+
+"Sma' things," he said, "please sma' minds.... Wha won the prize?"
+
+"Number Two Ward," said Queen Elizabeth indifferently, "sweets. They're
+eatin' 'em. They'll have stummick-aches to-morrer.... But there--it's
+the least as we can do to let the nurses 'ave their bit o' fun."
+
+Nurse Robinson hurried up to me on my way out. I thought her looking a
+trifle anxious.
+
+"I'm feeling rather worried about one of my men," she began, "Private
+McPhee. I wonder if you saw him just now?"
+
+"Oh, yes," I said, "we had quite a long chat."
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad," she exclaimed, "I was really quite afraid he was
+wrong in his head. Do you know, he simply refused to dress up for the
+party ... and you know how they love dressing up! Such a good dress,
+too--CHARLIE CHAPLIN.... And I couldn't get a word out of him! Wasn't it
+strange?"
+
+"Very," I said; "convalescents get all kinds of fancies, don't they? And
+was the party a success?"
+
+"Splendid!" she said, brightening up. "Of course it's meant a lot of
+work. We've been toiling early and late at the costumes. But I'm sure
+it's worth it. It does please the poor fellows. Draws them out of
+themselves, don't you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Company notice-board at the Front:--
+
+    "Men must again be warned about matter they are putting in their
+    letters. No places where we are or where we are going to are not
+    to be divulged. Those having done so in their letters have been
+    obliterated."
+
+We had no notion that the Military Censorship was so drastic as that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FANTASY.
+
+  If you were a white rose Columbine
+      And I were a Harlequin,
+  I'd leap and sway on my spangled hips
+  And blow you a kiss with my finger tips
+  To woo a smile to your petal lips
+      At every glittering spin.
+
+  If I were a pig-tailed Buccaneer
+      And you were a Bristol Girl,
+  A-rolling home from over the sea
+  I'd give you a hug on the landing quay,
+  A hook-nosed parrot that swore like me,
+      And a brooch of mother-o'-pearl.
+
+  If you were a Donna of old Castile
+      And a Troubadour were I,
+  I'd sing at night beneath your room
+  And weave you dreams in a minstrel's loom
+  With rainbow tears and the roses' bloom
+      And star-shine out of the sky.
+
+  If I were a powdered Exquisite
+      And you were a fair Bellairs,
+  I'd press your hand in the gay pavane;
+  And whisper under your painted fan
+  As I bowed you into your blue sedan
+      At the old Assembly stairs.
+
+  If you were a WATTEAU Shepherdess
+      And I were a gipsy lad,
+  I'd teach you tunes that the blackbird trills
+  And show you the dance of the daffodils,
+  The white moon rising over the hills,
+      And Night in her jewels clad.
+
+  If you were the Queen of Make-believe
+      And I were a Prince o' Dream,
+  We'd dress the world in a rich romance
+  With Pans a-piping and Queens that dance,
+  With plume and mantle and rapier glance
+     And Beauty's eyes a-gleam.
+
+  If I were a Poet, sweet, my own,
+      And you were my Lady true,
+  I'd hymn your praise by night and morn
+  With golden notes through a silver horn
+  That unborn men in an age unborn
+      Might glow with a dream of you!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not Founder's Kin.
+
+    "The Archbishop of Perth has received news that he has been
+    appointed an honorary Fellow of Cain's College, Cambridge."
+
+    _Church Standard_ (_Sydney, N.S.W._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to _The Somerset and Wilts Journal_ the songs sung by the boys
+and girls of the Radstock National Schools on Empire Day included "Raise
+the Flagon High." We cannot but think this Bacchic theme a little
+unsuitable for our youthful songsters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORKING HOLIDAY.
+
+[Illustration: Coker-Nut. "WHIT-MONDAY AND NOTHING DOING!"
+
+Roundabout Horse. "WELL, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT WITH A WAR ON? THEY'VE ALL
+GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XLI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--They say we fight for money, do they? Well, so we do,
+and it's a long hard fight, and it's a good soldier who wins against
+that firmly entrenched enemy, the Command Paymaster.
+
+When this War is over I shall take all my money out of the Bank of
+England and, putting it in a paper bag and not troubling to tie it up, I
+shall just hand it to the C.P.M. and say, "Hang on to this, will you,
+till I come back?" Mark my words: if I'm away for fifty years or so,
+every penny of it will be there when I return. It isn't his habit to
+part with other people's money entrusted to his keeping.
+
+I have a sergeant, an honest upright man with no complications in his
+past, except that he is a Scot by birth and, happening to be there at
+the outbreak, enlisted in Canada. By reason of his uncertain movements
+he is unable to draw his food in the usual way, and yet insists,
+tiresomely, on being fed. So I said he'd better feed himself, and I
+claimed an authority for him to draw ration money in lieu of rations.
+Having weathered all the storms of an administrative correspondence, we
+eventually came by the authority itself. This was a great and happy day
+in the lives of myself and the forty-nine other officers who had by this
+time become involved in the affair. "Sgt. Blank is authorised to draw
+ration money in lieu of rations as from March 1st, 1916," I read to him,
+and sighed with relief. But it was a premature sigh. The trouble was
+only just beginning.
+
+"One-and-eightpence a day, no less, you get, Sergeant," I said.
+
+He was by now an old hand. "One-and-eightpence a day I am authorized to
+get, Sir," he corrected me.
+
+A man not easily depressed, he took a cheerful view of the preliminary
+condition that he was paid monthly, in arrear. He proposed to spend his
+meal-times, during the rationless and moneyless days of March, reading
+the correspondence; quite enough to engage a man's whole attention
+during at least that period.
+
+April 1st, 1916, duly arrived, and with it the renewal of the Sergeant's
+food question, "What, again?" I asked, irritably.
+
+But the Field Cashier, who was first approached on April 3rd, wasn't in
+the least irritated. The subject interested him from the start.
+Moreover, argumentative by nature though he undoubtedly was, he was all
+anxiety to pay. First, however, there were one or two trifling
+formalities to be observed. "You see," he explained, "I can only pay out
+upon an authority."
+
+With some confidence and no little pride we opened our despatch-case and
+produced our correspondence. He read every word of it; his pay corporal
+did the same, and very kindly explained it to us all as he went along.
+"This," they agreed, "is your authority to get the money. What I want is
+an authority to pay it." With expressions of mutual esteem we parted for
+the day, agreeing to give the matter our most earnest consideration
+during the week which must elapse before his return for the next
+pay-day.
+
+We spent a busy week interviewing the forty-nine officers and anyone
+else we could get to listen. Only from the Camp Commandant did we get
+anything approaching enthusiasm. Camp Commandants are men of a patient
+disposition and a never-failing sympathy; what is better still, they
+invariably possess a Sergeant-Major of unscrupulous if altruistic
+cunning. We presented ourselves at the pay-office, on April 10th, armed
+with every possible form of literature, over the Camp Commandant's
+signature, which any reasonable Field Cashier could possibly want to
+read.
+
+The Field Cashier was very pleased to see us; we were very pleased to
+see him. It was a most happy reunion. Only the Command Paymaster's
+presence was wanted to make the thing a success. The Field Cashier gave
+his address, dispensed with the Sergeant's presence at all future
+meetings, and postponed all further proceedings in the matter till April
+17th.
+
+If there was any lack of graciousness in the correspondence with the
+C.P.M., this was, I must at once say, on my side. He wanted to oblige,
+but, being human, he must have his authority.
+
+I sent him the authority to get and the authority to pay. His reply was
+to the effect that both were perfectly delightful and in the very best
+taste, but what was wanted before he could authorize payment was an
+authority to have the account in England credited with the necessary
+fund.
+
+For the first time in my life I positively loathed England.
+
+Bit by bit, however, the C.P.M. softened; but he hadn't softened quite
+enough to satisfy our Field Cashier by April 24th. It was not till May
+1st that he gave in altogether, and went so far as to send a chit to the
+Camp Commandant, authorising him to receive for me the Sergeant's money.
+Meanwhile we had discovered the private residence or funk-hole of our
+F.C., and conversations became daily.
+
+The defect on May 2nd was that the Camp Commandant hadn't signed the
+right receipt.
+
+The defect on May 3rd was that I hadn't got the right receipt to sign.
+
+The defect on May 4th was--yes, hunger had got the better of the
+Sergeant. Though he had got the right receipt and signed it, he had
+signed it in the wrong place.
+
+On May 5th I procured a light lorry, packed into it the Camp Commandant,
+the Sergeant, myself, as many of the forty-nine officers as I could
+lure, pens, ink and paper, and, by mere weight of numbers, I overcame
+the Field Cashier. He scribbled his initials everywhere, inquired in
+notes of what value we would take the money, and undertook, on his
+personal honour, that upon his very next visit to our headquarters
+(where the payment should properly be made) the notes should be ours. I
+asked the Sergeant triumphantly what more he could want. He saluted
+emphatically at the prospect of receiving, on May 8th, the money
+wherewith to buy his food for the period March 1st to April 3rd
+(inclusive).
+
+It was indeed an achievement. Not only were all authorities in existence
+and duly authorised, but the authorities who had authorised the
+authorities were themselves authorised in writing to do so--and that
+authoritatively. However, it was satisfactorily established in formal
+proof that all persons concerned, including the Camp Commandant, myself
+and the Sergeant, were in fact the persons we were represented to be.
+Indeed the last lingering doubt was removed from the mind of the Field
+Cashier as to his own identity, and (hats off, gentlemen!) England had
+done her Bit. It was a reluctant bit, but somehow or other it had been
+done. The money was there. The Command Paymaster could authorise its
+payment; the Field Cashier could pay it; the Camp Commandant could
+receive it; I could obtain it; and the Sergeant could get it. May the
+8th was fast approaching but----
+
+If a man (especially when he's right away in Canada) will be in such a
+hurry to enlist that he cannot spare the time to think out things
+carefully, what can he expect? Shortly after midnight of May 7th to 8th
+a telegram arrived: "Reference my A.B.C. 3535; your X.Y.Z. 97S; their
+decimal nine recurring. Please cancel all payment of rtn. allce. to
+Sergeant Blank, Akk. Akk. Akk. This N.C.O. belonging to a Canadian unit
+should apply direct to Paymaster, Overseas Contingent, Akk."
+
+The Sergeant said nothing, except to ask me how long I thought the War
+was likely to last?
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Subaltern._ "And about this saluting--I want you
+recruits to be very particular about that. Of course, you know, you
+don't salute _me_--you salute the uniform."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Why don't yer see Doctor Smiff abaht it?"
+
+"Is 'e a qualified doctor?"
+
+"I dunno. But I 'ear 'e's done wonders wiv animals."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What our V.T.C.'s have to put up with:--
+
+    "Horsham was reached by tea time, the Company having marched
+    upwards of sixteen miles, apart from its droll work."
+
+    _Sussex Daily News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Forestry Department of the township of Berlin reports that
+    in the Grunewald, the public park between Berlin and Potsdam,
+    1,600 trees had been planted, thus changing about 400 acres of
+    barren land into a forest."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+The statement, like the forest, seems a little thin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XVII.--Blackfriars.
+
+  Seven Black Friars sitting back to back
+  Fished from the bridge for a pike or a jack.
+  The first caught a tiddler, the second caught a crab,
+  The third caught a winkle, the fourth caught a dab,
+  The fifth caught a tadpole, the sixth caught an eel,
+  And the seventh one caught an old cart-wheel.
+
+XVIII.--The Stock Exchange.
+
+  There's a Bull and a Bear, and what do you think?
+  They live in a Garden of white Stocks and pink.
+  "I'll give you a pink Stock for one of your white,"
+  Says the Bear to the Bull; and the Bull says, "All right!"
+  They never make answer if anyone knocks,
+  They are always so busy exchanging their Stocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PARTIAL PAT ON THE BACK.
+
+    (_Another Little Lecture on the War, after the style of "The
+    Spectator" (abbreviated)._)
+
+It is no time to waste words in praise of anybody. We want to give and
+mean to give--we may perhaps even say that we hope to give--the Cabinet
+our countenance and some measure of our approval, but neither adulation
+nor encomium. The Editor of this journal is quite ready to allot the
+laurels when they have been earned; he will be found at his post handing
+them out when the time arrives. But not now.
+
+It will be said, no doubt ... (Deletion of what will no doubt be said).
+
+You may ask a man to put his whole strength into drawing a cork, but
+unless you are a fool you do not, while the operation is going forward,
+keep nagging at him because the cork is too firmly jammed, nor do you
+jeer at him for his lack of prescience in not having selected a bottle
+with a wider neck. You do not ask him strings of useless questions as to
+why he doesn't grip the bottle between his feet or get a purchase on it
+with his teeth. Above all you do not keep handing him tools, such as a
+pair of scissors or a button-hook or a crowbar. No. You concentrate
+earnestly upon the provision of an _efficient corkscrew_, if you ever
+hope to taste the imprisoned liquor. And meanwhile, "Don't trip him up"
+should be the order of the day; "Don't catch his eye" should be your
+watchword; "Don't get into the bowler's arm" should be your motto.
+
+We shall be told, of course ... (Deletion of what we shall of course be
+told).
+
+But to discountenance nagging is not to encourage laudation, adulation,
+or encomium, or even praise. These can wait. The cow, to change the
+metaphor, will generally give her milk all the better if she is not in
+the act of being stroked or patted or wreathed with buttercups.
+
+We shall perhaps evoke the retort ... (Deletion of the retort, which
+will perhaps be evoked).
+
+So much for the exact attitude which the Public ought to maintain toward
+the Government during the War. Unfortunately the Public, or rather a
+section of them, have done nothing of the sort. And that is the reason
+why, in spite of good intentions about adulation and all that, it has
+become absolutely necessary for us to step forward and present the
+Ministry with this unsolicited testimonial. The Government is not what
+it appears to be to cross-grained critics seeking for a Rotation of
+suitable scapegoats. Ministers are full of glaring faults. Most of them
+before the War were wickedly engaged in doing all sorts of damage to the
+country, appalling to contemplate. But since the War began they are
+doing what they can to retrieve a lurid past, and we believe that
+History (our intimate colleague who waits to endorse at a later stage
+the views expressed in these columns) will pronounce that they have
+displayed great qualities.
+
+But stay! We are in danger of adulation after all. Let us freely admit
+that they are a sorry lot. We have never been blind to the fact. All the
+same, they have shown the greatest of all qualities in a
+crisis--dispassion almost amounting to torpor. There has never been
+about them the slightest trace of hustle or helter-skelter. They have
+steered with the greatest deliberation a course which they thought was
+the right one for the ship of state to take. To change the metaphor,
+having fixed the route of the national 'bus they have refrained from
+diving down side-streets. (But there we go again, running off into
+laudation. This will not do at all.)
+
+To speak frankly, all the political tenets of the majority of the
+Cabinet are such as can never receive anything but bitter hostility from
+this publication. We can't help it. There is a gulf fixed, that is how
+it comes about. But on the other hand we must not let this view prevent
+us--even though, after all, we are guilty of eulogy--from recognising
+their sterling worth. They are indispensable to the navigation of the
+ship of state. To change the metaphor, we must be content to let the
+train be driven by the engine-driver and not insist upon interference by
+the dining-car attendant.
+
+We are well aware that we lay ourselves open to the charge ... (Deletion
+of the charge to which we lay ourselves open).
+
+Let us then trust the Government, even blindly. Let our motto be the
+immortal words in the "Hunting of the Snark": "_They had often, the
+Bellman said, saved them from wreck: though none of the sailors knew
+how._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY ERROR.
+
+As a rule I am not one to peer over shoulders and read other people's
+letters or papers. But when one is in a queue waiting for one's passport
+to be _viséd_, and when one has been there for an hour and still seems
+no nearer to the promised land, and when it is the second time in the
+day that one has been in a queue for the same purpose--once in France
+and once in England--why, some little deflection from the narrow path of
+perfect propriety may be forgiven.
+
+Moreover in other ways I behaved better than many of my
+fellow-travellers, for I stood loyally behind the man in front of me in
+my due place, and did not, as others did, insinuate myself from the side
+into positions to which, by all the laws of precedence and decency, they
+were disentitled. Indeed I even caught myself wondering whether, had I
+any preferential opportunities of getting through first, as some Red
+Cross and otherwise influential people had, I should make use of them.
+To take any advantage of this weary waiting line of suspects, of which I
+was one, would have been almost monstrous.
+
+So, standing there all patiently and dejected, moving forward a foot or
+so every four or five minutes, no wonder that I found myself reading the
+embarkation paper which the gentleman in front of me had filled up and
+was holding so legibly before him.
+
+He was tall and solid and calm and French, with a better cut coat than
+most Frenchmen, even the aristocrats, trouble about. He was
+broad-shouldered and erect, and I was piqued to find him, for all his
+iron-grey hair, five years younger than myself. His name was--never
+mind; but I know it. His profession was given as publicist--as though he
+were Mr. ARNOLD WHITE or Sir HENRY NORMAN, although, for all I know, Sir
+HENRY NORMAN may by now be a Brigadier-General. His reasons for visiting
+England, given in English, were in connection with his profession. But
+after that his English broke down; for when it came to the question what
+was his sex, how do you think he had answered it? I consider that his
+solution of the difficulty was an ample reward to me--and to you, if you
+too have any taste in terminological exactitude--for my fracture of a
+social convention. The word he had wanted was either "male" or
+"masculine"; but they had evaded him. He had then cast about for English
+terminology associated with men, and had thought vaguely of master and
+mister. The result was that the line ran thus:--"Sex: Masterly."
+
+And, looking at the publicist's _soigné_ moustache and firm jaw and
+broad hands, I could believe it. But what an inspiration! And, dear me!
+what will the Panks, if there are any left, say?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To Teachers and Business Ladies. Heathful Holiday in North
+    Wales; brainy air."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Think what it has done for Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Judge_. "Three years."
+
+_Optimistic Prisoner_: "Couldn't you make it 'three years or the
+duration of the War,' me lud?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IDENTIFICATION.
+
+How often the kind of thing occurs that I am about to describe!
+
+Four or five summers ago, before the world went mad, I was on one of
+DAVID MACBRAYNE'S steamers on the way to a Scotch island. Among the few
+passengers was an interesting man, with whom I fell into conversation.
+He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man, with a pointed grey beard and a
+mass of grey hair under a panama, and he was bound, he told me, for a
+well-known fishing-lodge, whither he went every August. He had been a
+great traveller and knew Persia well; he had also been in Parliament,
+and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking. So much I remember of
+his affairs; but his name I did not learn. We talked much about books,
+and I put him on to DOUGHTY'S _Arabia Deserta_.
+
+I have often thought of him since and wondered who he was, and whenever
+I have met fishermen or others likely to be acquainted with this
+attractive and outstanding personality I have asked about him; but never
+with success. And then last week I seemed really to be on the track, for
+I found that my new neighbour in the country has also had the annual
+custom of spending a fortnight or so in the same Scotch island, and he
+claims to know everyone who ever visits that retired spot.
+
+So this is what happened.
+
+"If you're so old an islander as that," I said, "you're the very person
+to solve the problem that I have carried about for four or five years.
+There's a man who fishes regularly up there"--and then I described my
+fellow-passenger. "Tell me," I said, "who he is."
+
+He considered, knitting his brows.
+
+"You're sure you're right in saying he is unusually tall?" he inquired
+at last.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"That's a pity," he said, "because otherwise it might be Sir GERALD
+ORPINGTON. Only he's short. Still, he was in Parliament right enough.
+But, of course, if it was a tall man it's not Orpington."
+
+He considered again.
+
+"You say," he remarked, "that he had been in Persia? Now old Jack
+Beresford is tall enough and has plenty of hair, but I swear he's never
+been to Persia, and of course he hasn't a son at all. It's very odd.
+Describe him again."
+
+I described my man again, and he followed every point on his fingers.
+
+"Well," he said, "I could have sworn I knew every man who ever fished at
+Blank, but this fellow---- Oh, wait a minute! You say he is tall and
+bulky and had travelled, and his son was in the Boer War, and he has
+been in Parliament? Why, it must be old Carstairs. And yet it can't be.
+Carstairs was never married and was never in Parliament."
+
+He pondered again.
+
+Then he said, "You're sure it wasn't a clean-shaven bald man with a
+single eyeglass?"
+
+"Quite," I said.
+
+"Because," he went on, "if he had been it would have been old Peterson
+to the life."
+
+"He wasn't bald or clean-shaven," I said.
+
+"You're sure he said Blank?" he inquired after another interval of
+profound thought.
+
+"Absolutely," I replied.
+
+"Tell me again what he was like. Tell me exactly. I know every one up
+there; I must know him."
+
+"He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man," I said, "with a pointed beard
+and a mass of grey hair under a panama; and he went to Blank every
+August. He had been a great traveller and knew Persia; he had been in
+Parliament, and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking."
+
+"I don't know him," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Foreign gentleman desires English lady to correct him, during
+    one hour every morning, from 9 to 10."--_Bournemouth Daily
+    Echo._
+
+There is one foreigner whom innumerable English ladies would be
+delighted to correct; but he is no gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess (alluding to latest photograph of herself)._
+"Well, dear, do you think it's like me?"
+
+_Polite little Girl._ "Well, I don't think it has made you look
+quite--quite--grown up enough."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BIOLOGY AT THE FRONT."
+
+_To the Editor of "The Times."_
+
+SIR,--I am encouraged by reading the very interesting letter which
+appeared in your issue of May 29th under the heading, "Biology at the
+Front," and dealt with the habit acquired by French poultry of imitating
+the sound of flying shells, to relate an experience which recently
+befell me. I was seated at breakfast "Somewhere in France," and had
+ordered, as is my custom, a boiled egg. When it was brought to me I
+proceeded to open it by giving it a smart tap. The egg immediately
+exploded with a loud report, and the contents were scattered in all
+directions. Those at table with me at once threw themselves prostrate on
+the ground, and one, whose olfactory nerves were excessively developed,
+exhibited every symptom of being gassed. On questioning the innkeeper we
+learnt that the egg had been laid some weeks before by a hen in the
+neighbourhood of the Front. I had previously noticed that it was
+elongated in shape, the small end being pointed and the base end nearly
+flat, while the whole was cased in a shell.
+
+The continuance of this imitative habit would be a strange perpetual
+memorial of the Great War--particularly for Pacificist politicians.
+
+Yours, &c., Darwinian.
+
+_The Ashpit, Egham._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR'S SURPRISES.
+
+The Poet.
+
+  My gifted nephew Eric
+    Till just before the War
+  Was steeped in esoteric
+    And antinomian lore,
+  Now verging on the mystic,
+  Now darkly symbolistic,
+  Now frankly Futuristic,
+    And modern to the core.
+
+  Versed in the weird grivoiserie
+    Affected by VERLAINE,
+  And charmed by the chinoiserie
+    Of MARINETTI'S strain,
+  In all its multiplicity
+  He worshipped eccentricity,
+  And found his chief felicity
+    In aping the insane.
+
+  And yet this freak ink-slinger,
+    When England called for men,
+  Straight ceased to be a singer
+    And threw away his pen,
+  Until, with twelve months' training
+  And six months' hard campaigning,
+  The lure of paper-staining
+    Has vanished from his ken.
+
+  For now his former crazes
+    He utterly eschews;
+  The world on which he gazes
+    Has lost its hectic hues;
+  No more a bard crepuscular
+  Who writes in script minuscular,
+  He only woos the muscular
+    And military Muse.
+
+  Transformed by contact hourly
+    With heroes simple-souled,
+  He looks no longer sourly
+    On men of normal mould,
+  But, purged of mental vanity
+  And erudite inanity,
+  The clay of his humanity
+    Is turning fast to gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE ROAD TO RAGDAD."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not even LITTLE WILLIE could think of a better way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SECOND-HAND HEARSE Wanted; body must be up to date and
+    reasonable."
+
+    _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+And not insist on a brand-new outfit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITHOUT PREJUDICE.
+
+[Illustration: Ferdie. "I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE?"
+
+Tino. "OH, NO! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. THIS IS LIBERTY HALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 29th._--When Mr. ANDERSON alleged that a certain firm,
+desirous of getting its employés exempted, had "hospitably entertained"
+the members of the local tribunal at its works, we felt that we were on
+the fringe of a grave scandal. A picture of the tribunal replete with
+salmon and champagne rose before the mind's eye. But when we learned
+from the Ministerial reply that the refreshment alluded to consisted of
+"tea and bread-and-butter" the vision faded away. Those innocent viands
+could not connote corruption.
+
+_À propos_ of tribunals, the House learned with delight that the
+military representative at Middlesbrough is Mr. HUSTLER HUSTLER.
+Obviously the Government have at last discovered "the man of push and
+go" for whom they were looking a year ago.
+
+Mr. MCKENNA was a little short-tempered this afternoon. He first
+descended heavily upon Mr. SAMUEL SAMUEL, who had suggested that it was
+time to issue another War Loan, instead of borrowing so heavily upon
+Treasury Bills. The hon. member, he declared, had no right to speak for
+that mysterious entity, "the City." When Sir F. BANBURY, who indubitably
+has that right, endorsed Mr. SAMUEL'S appeal, Mr. MCKENNA took refuge
+under a point of order--rather an exiguous form of shelter for a
+Minister of the Crown.
+
+[Illustration: Has Lord Kitchener, in his passionate desire to encourage
+the Volunteers, ever thought of the untapped resources of the Tower of
+London?]
+
+_Tuesday, May 30th._--The uncertainty of the Volunteers as to whether
+they are regarded by the War Office as a very present help in time of
+trouble or as a confounded nuisance will hardly be removed by Lord
+KITCHENER'S speech. True he said many nice things about them, and
+particularly about the behaviour of the Dublin corps during the
+insurrection, but when it came to a tangible recognition of their
+usefulness he had very little to offer. All the money available was
+required for the Army. The Volunteers must be content with such
+part-worn equipment and old-fashioned weapons as he could find them.
+
+On the Consolidated Fund Bill Mr. FELL and other Members for East Anglia
+represented very poignantly the woes inflicted upon their constituencies
+by the air and sea raids. Fishermen and lodging-house keepers were alike
+deprived of their livelihood. Could not the Government do something for
+them, either by billeting soldiers or by direct grants-in-aid?
+
+Mr. HAYES FISHER in reply exuded sympathy at every pore. The previous
+speakers had, as he said, painted "a deplorable picture of gloom," and
+he laid on the colours from an even more opulent palette. But on the
+question of actual relief he was painfully indefinite. Billeting--that
+was a question for the War Office; grants--they were a matter for the
+Treasury. The East Anglers who thought their fish safely hooked had to
+go away empty.
+
+_Wednesday, May 31st._--Not content with having laid sacrilegious hands
+on the clock, the Government have now deranged the calendar and kicked
+Whit-Monday into August. But it is all in the good cause of piling up
+shells against the Bosches, so the House cheerfully approved the PRIME
+MINISTER'S announcement.
+
+For some days there have been rumours of an impending attack upon Lord
+KITCHENER, to be led by Colonel CHURCHILL. Perhaps that was why Mr.
+TENNANT, who moved the Vote for the War Office, decided to get his blow
+in first. His short speech began with a jibe at his critic's strategical
+omniscience, though it is not true that he referred to him as "the right
+hon. and recently gallant gentleman"; proceeded with a denial of most of
+his assumptions, and ended with a high tribute to LORD KITCHENER'S
+prevision in raising a great army to cope with a long war.
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL did not pick up the gage thus ostentatiously thrown
+down, but some of his friends were less discreet, and developed a
+close-range assault upon LORD KITCHENER. The PRIME MINISTER is never
+seen to greater advantage than when he is defending a colleague, and he
+declared that the WAR SECRETARY was personally entitled to the credit
+for the amazing expansion of the army.
+
+Unofficial tributes were not wanting. Sir MARK SYKES asserted that in
+Germany the WAR SECRETARY was feared as a great organiser, while in the
+East his name was one to conjure with; and Sir GEORGE REID declared that
+his chief fault was that he was "not clever at circulating the cheap
+coin of calculated civilities which enable inferior men to rise to
+positions to which they are not entitled."
+
+_Thursday, June 1st_.--In moving that the House should at its rising
+adjourn until June 20th, the PRIME MINISTER felt it necessary to remove
+any impression that the Government, while asking everybody else to
+sacrifice their Whitsun holiday, were themselves going junketing.
+
+Like Old TOM MORRIS, who rebuked a would-be Sunday golfer by saying "if
+you don't want your Sabbath rest the links do," he pointed out that the
+continuous sittings of the House threw a double burden not only upon
+Ministers--one of whom, Mr. RUNCIMAN, has unhappily broken down--but
+also upon the permanent officials. Even Members of Parliament, he slily
+added, might be under a misapprehension in supposing that constant
+attendance at the House was the best way in which they could discharge
+their duty to their country in time of war.
+
+The Nationalist Members are doing their best to "give LLOYD GEORGE a
+chance." True, they ask an inordinate number of questions arising out of
+the hot Easter week in Dublin--when, according to the local wit, it was
+"'98 in the shade"--but otherwise they have sternly repressed any
+tendency to factiousness. Yesterday, when a freelance sought to move the
+adjournment of the House in order to denounce the continuance of martial
+law in Ireland, not a single other Member rose to support him; and
+to-day, though Mr. DILLON could not resist the temptation to make a
+speech on the same subject, he showed a refreshing restraint.
+
+Only once--when he declared that "if you can reach the hearts of the
+Irish people you can do anything with them; but they will not be driven,
+and you cannot crush them"--did his voice approach that painfully high
+pitch which irreverent critics have been known to describe as "Sister
+Mary Jane's top-note."
+
+Mr. ASQUITH in reply was sympathetic but firm. The Government were not
+deaf to the plea for leniency which had been addressed to them by all
+Irish representatives, by Sir EDWARD CARSON as well as by Mr. REDMOND.
+But they could not give an undertaking that there should be an end of
+the courts-martial. As for the persons deported from Ireland, for whom
+Mr. DILLON had specially appealed, it would be more humane in their own
+interests not to bring them to trial at once, for that would mean a crop
+of convictions and sentences which would increase instead of allaying
+the alleged irritation in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_examining recruit_). "And do you always
+stutter like that?"
+
+_Recruit_. "N-n-no, Sir. Only w-w-w-when I t-t-talk."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR developed a really ingenious argument. To show that
+martial law ought now to be dropped he mentioned that if he attempted to
+hold a recruiting meeting in his constituency his life would not be
+worth half-an-hour's purchase. Members who were thinking of spending the
+recess in Ireland were greatly impressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Fishpingle."
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_, "that almighty man, the county god," claimed to
+exercise the same divine right over the souls of his village that he
+exercised, in the matter of breeding, over the bodies of his cattle and
+pigs. Nothing, I think, has brought the present War more closely home to
+my bosom than the humours of this feudal relic--taken in all seriousness
+by everyone, including the author. It seems almost inconceivable that
+Mr. VACHELL's play deals with conditions that still survived only a few
+years ago. Yet the Squire's devotion to the science of eugenics
+establishes its date as quite recent. It was his sole taint of
+modernity; and indeed where his own son's marriage was concerned he
+omitted to apply his scientific principles, and made a choice for him in
+which no regard was paid to eugenics, but only to established social
+traditions.
+
+At first the play opened up prospects of a pleasant gaiety. A love
+scene, conducted in a rich Western brogue, between the _Squire_'s
+footman and his still-room maid, and the embarrassment caused by her
+eagerness to learn the philosophy of "eujanics," were full of promise.
+It was confirmed by the appearance of Mr. AINLEY, whose manner reminded
+us of his many triumphs in the art of eccentric detachment. His
+part--the title-rôle--was that of _Sir Geoffrey's_ faithful butler, on
+such familiar, though respectful, terms with his master that the two
+sipped port together in the former's room in broad daylight while
+discussing family matters. They took an unconscionable time about it,
+but, as I said, it promised well. However, Mr. VACHELL had other designs
+than our mere amusement. We were not to have our comedy without paying
+for it with our heart's blood. Very soon the shadow of melodramatic
+pathos and mystery crept over the sunny scene. _Fishpingle_ takes a box
+from a cupboard and glances at a miniature and a bundle of letters.
+There is illegitimacy in the air, and a lady near me in the stalls
+confides to her neighbour that "he's the _Squire's_ half-brother." I
+can't think where she got her information, for the rest of us never
+learned the facts of the mystery till the very end of the evening, and
+even then the details of _Fishpingle's_ origin only transpired (as they
+say) under extreme pressure arising out of his dismissal by his master
+on the strength of a violent disagreement about fundamentals.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey's_ father, it seems, had before his marriage run away with
+a girl not of his own rank, who had generously refused to spoil the
+family tree by marrying him; and _Fishpingle_ was the result. You might
+judge from the peculiarity of his surname that the matter was taken
+lightly by his parents. But you would be wrong. His mother died when he
+was born, and his first name (for I cannot call it a Christian name) was
+_Benoni_, which, being interpreted, means "the child of sorrow." _Sir
+Geoffrey's_ grandmother, who had discouraged the legal adjustment of the
+relationship between the lovers, had tried to repair matters by
+educating _Fishpingle_ above the obscurity of his irregular birth; hence
+his comparative erudition, rare in a butler.
+
+[Illustration: THE BREED OF THE POMFRETS.
+
+_Fishpingle_ (_to himself_). "How anybody can fail to see the
+extraordinary family likeness between us I cannot imagine."
+
+_Fishpingle_.... Mr. Henry Ainley.
+
+_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_. Mr. Allan Aynesworth.]
+
+Now the opening of the play had put me into a mood which was not the
+right one for the reception of this extract from a deplorable past. Some
+comedies would be all the better for a little tragic relief; but this
+was too much. Mr. VACHELL had no business to give his play a title like
+_Fishpingle_. He should have called it "Nature's Nobleman, or The
+Tragical Romance of a Faithful Butler's Birth," and then I might have
+known what to expect. As it was I felt aggrieved. It was not, of course,
+a question of asking for my money back at the doors (critics, to be just
+to them, never do this in the case of a complimentary seat), but I felt
+I had a right to protest against this attempt to harrow my
+heart-strings, attuned as they were to the key of comedy, with a painful
+drama dating back to more than half a century before the rise of the
+curtain, and with its chief actors all dead. And the irritating mystery
+in which it was wrapped only made things worse. Further, I suffered a
+considerable strain on both my head and my heart in consequence of
+obscure hints (vaguely involving a photograph on his mantelpiece) as to
+the reason why _Fishpingle_ remained a bachelor to the bitter end.
+
+But I am ashamed to appear flippant, for Mr. AINLEY played with
+exquisite feeling and a fine sincerity. And I have to thank Mr. VACHELL
+for giving us some excellent studies of character--not character
+developed before our eyes by circumstance (except perhaps a little at
+the last), but admirably observed as a kind of fixture to be taken with
+the house.
+
+And if the play is not quite on the high level of Mr. GALSWORTHY'S _The
+Eldest Son_, which it faintly recalls, it is much more worthy of Mr.
+VACHELL'S gifts than the poor thing, _Penn_, which died so young. Also
+he is very much more fortunate this time in his cast. Miss MARION TERRY,
+as _Lady Pomfret_, was a pattern of sweet graciousness; and Mr. ALLAN
+AYNESWORTH was at his happiest as _Sir Geoffrey_. And the two pairs of
+lovers, Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND and Miss MAUD BELL above stairs, and Mr.
+REGINALD BACH and Miss DORIS LYTTON below (they were really all of them
+on the ground floor, the butler's room being the common trysting-place),
+served as delightful examples of natural selection--both on their own
+part and that of the management--and were as fresh and healthy as the
+most eugenical could desire.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Daddy Long-Legs."
+
+_Daddy Long-Legs_ is a pleasant American sentimental comedy made by JEAN
+WEBSTER out of her very jolly book, and not so sticky as some of our
+importations of the same general type. The four Acts are phases in the
+development of _Judy_ (or _Jerusha_) _Abbott_, orphan; and, as normally
+happens in book-plays, development is extremely abrupt. Act I. shows us
+_Judy_ as the drudge of the orphanage breaking into flame of rebellion
+on the day of the visit of the trustees. Naturally the trustees are all
+trustees _pour rire_, except one real good rich man, _Jervis Pendleton_,
+who admires the orphan's spirit, and decides that she is to have her
+chance at his charges; but is on no account to know her benefactor.
+
+In Act II., a year later, _Judy_ is not merely the most popular but the
+best dressed girl in her college. She still dreams about her unknown
+benefactor, whom she calls _Daddy Long-Legs_, and assumes to be a hoary
+old man. _Pendleton_ comes to Commem., or its equivalent, to have a peep
+at his ward, and loses his heart. In the Third Act, three years later,
+our heroine is a famous author, and _Pendleton_, coming (still incog.)
+to propose, is refused by a _Judy_ who has taken to worrying unduly (and
+not altogether convincingly, if you ask me) about her lack of family.
+And, of course, in Act IV., wedding bells.
+
+Miss RENÉE KELLY has a charming personality, and a smile which alone is
+worth going to see. She trounced the matron and the incredible trustees
+with a fierce fury, and seemed to have easy command of the changes of
+mood and tense which her fast-moving circumstances required. A pretty
+twinkling star. Mr. CHARLES WALDRON is a skilful actor. If he, perhaps,
+grimaced a little too much by way of not letting us miss the obvious
+points of the little mystery, he made as admirable a proposal of
+marriage as I have ever heard on the stage (or off it for that matter,
+with perhaps one exception); but to suppose that so accomplished a lover
+would accept a mere mournful shake of the head as a final refusal is
+simply too absurd. Miss FAY DAVIS made quite a little triumph of gentle
+gracious kindliness out of one of those potentially tiresome explanatory
+parts without which no mystifications can be contrived. Miss KATE JEPSON
+is a comédienne of rich grain, and gave a very amusing study of the
+hero's old nurse. Miss JEAN GADELL, that clever specialist in dour
+unpleasant stage women, made a properly repulsive thing out of the
+matron of the orphanage. Mr. HYLTON ALLEN scored his points as a comic
+lover with droll effect. If the distinctly clever children of the home
+(_Judy_ excepted) had been effectively put on the contraband list I
+should not have worried. They were unduly noisy (for art, not for life
+perhaps), and they overdid their parts, being not only rowdy in the
+absence, and abject in the presence, of authority, but different kinds
+of children--not merely the same children in two moods.
+
+Altogether a pleasant play pleasantly and competently performed.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CABINET LEEKAGE."--Daily Paper.
+
+Now why, we wonder, do they spell it that way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Alleged Cannibalism in the German Navy.
+
+    "The prisoners got the same food as the submarine crew. Here is
+    the bill of fare: Breakfast consisted of coffee, black bread,
+    submarine commander and he pilot."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Jimmy Wilde, the fly-weight champion, took part in two contests
+    at Woolwich on Saturday, winning them both with great ease.
+    Darkey Saunders, Camberwell, was beaten in three
+    months."--_Burton Daily Mail._
+
+The reporter also seems to have been knocked out of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the area of the garden cannot be increased, the quantity and
+    quality of the crops should be improved by the extra hour of
+    daylight."--_The Times._
+
+For this discovery our contemporary is hereby recommended for the famous
+Chinese Order of the Excellent Crop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A letter sent on Friday saying, 'We are starting a central mess
+    for 1,200 men on Monday,' and asking: 'Can you send cooks?'
+    brings as a reply 24 trained women cooks, who roll up their
+    sleeves and cook breakfast for the number stated inside 12
+    hours!"
+
+    _The Times._
+
+What was breakfast to some must have been supper to others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSINGS ON MILK-CANS.
+
+  When I travel up to London by an early morning train
+  Or return into the country when the day is on the wane,
+      At the smallest railway station
+      There's a dreadful demonstration
+  Which causes me unmitigated pain.
+
+  I'm aware that milk is needed for our infant girls and boys;
+  That it aids adult dyspeptics to regain "digestive poise";
+      But I've never comprehended
+      Why its transport is attended
+  By the maximum of diabolic noise.
+
+  I admit the railway porter who can deftly twirl a can
+  In each hand along the platform is no ordinary man;
+      But what kills me is the banging
+      And the clashing and the clanging
+  As he hurls them in or hauls them from the van.
+
+  Now if some new material for these vessels could be found--
+  Non-metallic and in consequence a silencer of sound--
+      There would be within our borders
+      Fewer nerve and brain disorders
+  And more of moral uplift to go round.
+
+  I know a dashing journalist, a credit to his trade,
+  Who's always in the thick of it whenever there's a raid.
+      Bombs of various sorts and sizes
+      He describes and analyses,
+  But he can't endure a long milk-cannonade.
+
+  I've written to our Member, Dr. Philadelphus Snell,
+  To ask a question in the House--I think he'd do it well--
+      If our cows' nerves should be mangled
+      By the way their milk is jangled;
+  And, if he doesn't play, I'll try GINNELL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German Emperor and the Crown Prince._)
+
+_The German Emperor._ Sit down, won't you?
+
+_The Crown Prince._ Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing. One's legs get
+so cramped in a motor-car.
+
+_The G. E._ Sit down!
+
+_The C. P._ Really, I----
+
+_The G. E._ SIT DOWN!!
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll--yes, yes,
+there I am. Are you happy now?
+
+_The G. E._ I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence from a
+whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty----
+
+_The C. P._ I know what you're going to say: if you did your duty you'd
+have me arrested and packed off to prison. Isn't that it? Yes, I thought
+so. You want to be like old FREDERICK WILLIAM. He had FREDERICK THE
+GREAT sentenced to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence
+carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. FREDERICK WILLIAM was mad,
+you know--as mad as a hatter, and----
+
+_The G. E._ Stop it. I will not have you add to your other misdeeds the
+crime of irreverence against one of the greatest and worthiest members
+of our royal House.
+
+_The C. P._ Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare say you regret
+that, but there it is, and you won't alter it by glaring at me and
+threatening me with your moustache. I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof
+by this time.
+
+_The G. E._ What have I done to deserve such a son?
+
+_The C. P._ If it comes to that there's another way of putting it. What
+have _I_ done to deserve such a father?--that's what I might ask; but
+I'm too respectful, too careful of your feelings. And what's my reward?
+You're always nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why can't
+you give it a rest?
+
+_The G. E._ This is beyond endurance. But it has always been the same
+from the time you cut your teeth until now--no filial piety, no
+consideration for your mother and me; only a cross-grained selfishness
+and bad temper. What happened in India?
+
+_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going over that old story again, I'm off.
+
+_The G. E._ _Donnerwetter noch einmal!_ Sit still, I tell you. I say
+again, what happened in India? You never thought of ingratiating
+yourself with the native chiefs. You couldn't even keep your engagements
+or be punctual. All you thought of was running after some girl whose
+face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have kept you at home
+or sent you to London. What a creature to be a Crown Prince!
+
+_The C. P. (wearily)._ There you go again. But I protest against such
+treatment. I'd far rather be back before Verdun with old VON HÄSELER
+grandmothering me all over the place.
+
+_The G. E._ I wonder you dare to mention the word Verdun in my presence.
+
+_The C. P._ Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself Commander of the
+Verdun armies. You did that, and I've done my best to obey your orders
+and those of the High Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose
+thousands upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do be reasonable,
+my respected father. It was you who wanted Verdun. You won't be happy
+till you get it, and if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an
+old shoe without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if we
+succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the credit of it. If
+Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick time to take the salute in
+your shining----
+
+_The G. E._ Silence, jackanapes!
+
+_The C. P._ And if we don't get through poor old VON HÄSELER will have
+to retire. You'll send him your photograph in a gold frame to console
+him, just as you consoled BISMARCK. Pity there's no BISMARCK now.
+However, we can't have everything, can we?
+
+(_Left quarrelling._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames
+    Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat."
+
+    _The Journal (Calcutta)._
+
+This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines have no
+doubt before now been accounted for by our naval rams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph of
+    organisation.' Is it not simpler to say--that when a man knows
+    exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should
+    be done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his
+    requirements to what is possible; and then, by far the most
+    important thing of all, can so deal with the many under his
+    command that each is most furiously anxious to do what the
+    leader wants--why then, things go right."--_Westminster
+    Gazette._
+
+The answer is in the negative.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of
+    this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at
+    Oxford later on, and seems to have got the best out of both
+    forms of training--the unhasting and unresting labour of 'the
+    Shop,' which aims only at making competent gunners and sappers,
+    and the easy-going round of University life which enlarges one's
+    sympathy and stimulates the imagination."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that the writer of the
+above extract must also have been at Oxford, where the imagination gets
+stimulated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy)._ "Ullo,
+Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?"
+
+_Lady._ "Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it. They
+don't seem to like it much."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT NEUTRAL.
+
+I am the Neutral Journalist who wanders round Europe. I am absolutely
+impartial. I am absolutely trustworthy. My perfect integrity is vouched
+for at the head of all my articles. Pleasant it is to come over to
+London, sell one set of articles to the Boom Press and another to the
+Gloom Press, and then sit down with smiling face and begin an article
+for Germany: "I sit in a hovel amongst the ruins of Fleet Street, with
+the wreck of the armoured fort of St. Paul's in view. I hear a stir
+outside. A wild mob of conscientious objectors is beating a recruiting
+officer to death. Such things happen hourly in defeated Albion." My
+series of London, Liverpool, Manchester and Birmingham--all in
+ashes--has proved so successful that I propose to cover all the large
+towns and construct a Baedeker of ruins.
+
+Yet I pride myself more on my work for England's Press. My German
+articles have all to be in the same vein. Only the Boom Press exists in
+Germany. But in England one can vary one's view and do artistic work.
+You must have read my story of the struggle for the last sausage in a
+Frankfort butcher's shop--how the troops intervened and the crowd
+attacked them, and how ultimately 1,400 civilians were mown down with
+machine guns--and the sausage was eaten by the General Officer
+commanding the Army Corps that suppressed the rising. You must also have
+seen my description of the KAISER--his white hair, bent shoulders,
+deathlike look as he passed, protected by his Guards from the wild fury
+of the Berlin mob. Of course I have another KAISER, the bright smiling
+man whose youth seems to have been renewed by the War, who waves his
+hand to the madly enthusiastic crowds waiting round the Palace for a
+glimpse of their divinity.
+
+You must have read my secret interviews with distinguished Germans, who
+whispered to me that HINDENBURG had thrown down his sword and declared
+that if the useless slaughter did not cease he would march on Berlin. I
+have told you their promises of bloody revolutions and fierce risings.
+Also I have given you interviews with other distinguished Germans, who
+confided to me that now Germany could turn out one submarine and one
+Zeppelin every week-day and two on Sundays, and I have thrilled you with
+the details of the great trade war which will come directly peace is
+declared, when Germany will win back all her wealth by selling
+everything fifty per cent. below cost.
+
+How my dinners vary in that strange Teutonic land! I pay twenty marks
+for two tiny slices of fish, a thin piece of indigestible potato bread,
+and a section of rancid sausage. At other times I spend two marks and
+get a delightful meal which could not be procured in a London restaurant
+for five shillings. I walk through Berlin and see scarcely a cripple or
+a wounded man. I let you know that ninety-five per cent. of German
+wounded, owing to the skill of German doctors, go back to the Front in a
+week. To other English readers I confide that all the maimed, wounded
+and blind are sent into the very centre of Germany. There are huge
+districts without a whole man in them.
+
+Did you ask for the actual facts? I will give you one--and it is this:
+the only persons in Germany whose waist-measurements have increased in
+the War are the neutral journalists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _Hearts of Alsace_ (SMITH, ELDER) your interest will be held less by
+the actual story than by the profoundly moving and poignant picture that
+Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS has drawn of life in the Reichsland under the
+increasing burden of Prussian tyranny. It is a picture that one feels to
+be absolutely true. The author writes of what she knows. This Alsatian
+family--old _Jean Barthélemy_, the city father, crushed and embittered
+by the fate of his loved Mulhouse; his two daughters and the circle of
+their friends within the town--all live and move and look longingly
+towards the West, as so many others must have done these forty and odd
+years past. The plot, what there is of it, concerns the clandestine love
+of _Claire_, the petted younger daughter of the Gley house, for an
+officer in the conqueror's host, whom she had met during a visit to
+Strasburg. _Claire_ marries her _Kurt_, a shady worthless knave, and, as
+the book ends with the outbreak of war, is left to an unknown fate. Very
+stirring are the chapters that tell of the tumult of emotion that broke
+loose when the French guns were heard in Mulhouse; though here--as in
+all those war stories whose only satisfactory end is the final confusion
+of Kaiserdom--one feels that there is a chapter yet to be added. Miss
+BETHAM-EDWARDS writes with all the vigour (I might add all the
+garrulity) of intense personal feeling. Her book, as a race study, is a
+real contribution to the literature of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+These are days in which some measure of sacrifice is rightly considered
+the common duty of everyone, so long as it is sacrifice with an object.
+Perhaps this consideration gives me less patience with the preposterous
+kind, which, as a motive in fiction, usually consists in the hero
+inviting all and sundry to trample upon his prospects and reputation.
+This is what the chief character in _Proud Peter_ (HUTCHINSON) did. He
+began by allowing it to be supposed that he was the father of his
+brother's illegitimate child, the bright peculiar fatuousness of which
+pretence was that thereby the said brother was enabled to marry, and
+break the heart of, the heroine, whom, of course, Peter himself adored.
+Also, many years after, when the child, now an objectionable young man,
+nay more, an actor, was pursuing another heroine with his unwelcome
+attentions, he very nearly spiked _Peter's_ guns, on being threatened,
+by exclaiming, "I am thy son"--or words to that effect. Fortunately,
+however, there existed, as I had somehow known would be the case, a
+signed photograph that put all that right. Why, I wonder, is Mr. W. E.
+NORRIS always so sharp with the dramatic profession? Was it not in one
+of his earlier stories that somebody quite seriously questions whether a
+good actor can also be a good man? On the whole, as you may have
+gathered, while I should call Proud Peter a comfortable tale of the
+eupeptic type, I enjoyed it rather less than other stories from the same
+facile pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTHUR GREEN'S _The Story of a Prisoner of War_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) can
+be recommended to all who can still digest the uncooked facts. "I can
+swear," he says, "that all that is written is Gospel truth," but without
+any such assurance it would be impossible for even the most sceptical to
+doubt the writer's honesty. Wounded and taken prisoner in August, 1914,
+he suffered severely at the hands of the Germans, and his account of the
+camp at Wittenburg does nothing to decrease one's loathing for that
+pestilential spot. For many reasons it gives that a civilized race can
+sink to such depths of cruelty and cowardice. Perhaps the only people to
+whom it will give any comfort are those who have sent food and clothing
+to our prisoners. But I am glad that this book came my way, because I
+would choose to read facts of the War baldly written by a soldier rather
+than any war fiction composed by imaginative civilians. "Of course I'm
+not an author," he writes, and as far as grammar and spelling go it is
+not for me to contradict him, but he has seen and suffered, and in these
+days no one who has handled a bayonet need apologise for taking a turn
+with a pen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Encouraged, no doubt, by the reception accorded to that cheery little
+volume, _Minor Horrors of War_, its author, Dr. A. E. SHIPLEY, has now
+followed it with an equally entertaining sequel in More Minor Horrors
+(SMITH, ELDER). This deals more especially with the pests attached to
+the Senior Service, and familiar to those who go down to the sea in
+ships--the Cockroach, the Mosquito, the Rat, the Biscuit-Weevil and
+others. Of each Dr. SHIPLEY has some pleasant word of instruction or
+comment to say, in his own highly entertaining manner. I like, for
+example, his remark about the mosquito (whose infinite variety is
+recognised in no fewer than five chapters), that, if he could talk, the
+burden of his song would be that of the guests at the dinner-party in
+_David Copperfield_--"Give us blood!" And I found good omen in the
+cockroach world on learning that _Periplaneta Orientalis_, or the common
+English sort, has _P. Germanica_ thoroughly beat in the matter of
+empire-building. In short, Dr. SHIPLEY'S second volume, like his first,
+combines instruction with amusement, and is well worth its modest
+eighteen-pence to those on land who may wish to learn about the intimate
+associates of their dear ones who are defending them upon the sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"In the Midst of Life----"
+
+    "Good Greengrocer and Mixed Business, sure living; death cause
+    of leaving."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Author (dictating)._ "'The room was filled with
+dynamite, gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, cans of petrol and other high
+explosives. A train of powder had been laid and was swiftly burning its
+way to the heap of combustibles. Clarence, tied to a post, listened to
+the retreating footsteps of the Huns, a smile of contempt curling his
+sensitive nostrils.' Clarence is in a tight place, Miss Brown, and I
+don't know yet how we'll get him out of it. Can you suggest anything?"
+
+_Amanuensis (brightly)._ "Why not have peace proclaimed?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, JUNE 7, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 23064-8.txt or 23064-8.zip *******
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