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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain
+Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Strange Adventures of Captain Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3
+       Who was a sailor, a soldier, a merchant, a spy, a slave
+       among the moors...
+
+Author: George Augustus Sala
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2008 [EBook #26668]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN DANGEROUS, VOL. 2 OF 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Emmy and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was produced from scanned images of public domain
+material from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE STRANGE ADVENTURES
+
+OF
+
+CAPTAIN DANGEROUS:
+
+
+      WHO WAS A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A MERCHANT, A SPY, A SLAVE
+              AMONG THE MOORS, A BASHAW IN THE SERVICE
+                       OF THE GRAND TURK,
+
+                              AND
+
+        =Died at last in his own House in Hanover Square.=
+
+A NARRATIVE IN OLD-FASHIONED ENGLISH.
+
+ATTEMPTED BY
+
+GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.
+
+IN THREE VOLUMES.
+
+VOL. II.
+
+                             LONDON:
+          TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND.
+                              1863.
+             [_The right of Translation is reserved._]
+
+                             LONDON:
+           SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET,
+                          COVENT GARDEN.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS OF VOL. II.
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FIRST.
+
+                                                             PAGE
+  OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY GOING ABROAD
+    UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE (WHICH WAS ALL THE
+    ESTATE I HAD)                                              1
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SECOND.
+
+  OF MY OTHER ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO BE A MAN          50
+
+
+CHAPTER THE THIRD.
+
+  OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES                       87
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FOURTH.
+
+  I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF
+    THE POLITE WORLD                                         120
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FIFTH.
+
+  OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY OF
+    PARIS                                                    164
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SIXTH.
+
+  OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA) AND OF
+    MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY,
+    WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY        187
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.
+
+  OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE: AMONGST
+    OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE IN THE FLEET      206
+
+
+CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.
+
+  JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF KING GEORGE            241
+
+
+CHAPTER THE NINTH.
+
+  REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME FURTHER
+    SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO BUSINESS ON MY
+    OWN ACCOUNT                                              283
+
+
+
+
+THE STRANGE ADVENTURES
+
+OF
+
+CAPTAIN DANGEROUS.
+
+=A Narrative in Old fashioned English.=
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FIRST.
+
+          OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY GOING
+          ABROAD UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE (WHICH WAS
+          ALL THE ESTATE I HAD).
+
+
+A STRANGE Nursing-mother--rather a Stepmother of the Stoniest sort--was
+this Sir Basil Hopwood, Knight and Alderman of London, that contracted
+with the Government to take us Transports abroad. Sure there never was a
+man, on this side the land of Horseleeches, that was so Hungry after
+money. Yet was his avarice not of the kind practised by old Audley, the
+money-scrivener of the Commonwealth's time; or Hopkins, the wretch that
+saved candles' ends and yet had a thousand wax-lights blazing at his
+Funeral; or Guy the Bookseller, that founded the Hospital in Southwark;
+or even old John Elwes, Esquire, the admired Miser of these latter days.
+Sir Basil Hopwood was the rather of the same complexion of Entrails with
+that Signor Volpone whom we have all seen--at least such of us as be old
+Boys--in Ben Jonson's play of the _Fox_. He Money-grubbed, and
+Money-clutched, and Money-wrung, ay, and in a manner Money-stole, that
+he might live largely, and ruffle it among his brother Cits in
+surpassing state and splendour. He had been Lord Mayor; and on his
+Show-day the Equipments of chivalry had been more Sumptuous, the Banners
+more varied, the Entertainment at Saddlers' Hall,--where the Lord Mayor
+was wont to hold his Feast before the present Mansion House was built,
+the ancient Guildhall in King Street being then but in an ill condition
+for banquet,--Hopwood's Entertainment, I say, had been more plentifully
+provided with Marrowbones, Custards, Ruffs and Reeves, Baked Cygnets,
+Malmsey, Canary, and Hippocras, than had ever been known since the days
+of the Merry Mayor, who swore that King Charles the Second should take
+t'other bottle. He was a Parliament man, too, and had a Borough in his
+Pocket, for the which he kept a Warming-Pan member,--more's the
+shame,--besides one to serve him as a cushion to sit on.
+
+This enormously rich man had a fine House in Bishopsgate Street, with as
+many rogues in blue liveries as a Rotterdam Syndic that has made three
+good ventures in Java. When we poor wretches, chained together, had been
+brought up in Carts from Aylesbury to London, on our way to be Embarked,
+nothing would serve this Haughty and Purse-proud Citizen but that our
+ragged Regiment must halt before his peddling Palace; and there the
+varlets in blue that attended upon him brought us out Loaves and Cheese,
+and Blackjacks full of two-thread Beer, which, with many disdainful
+gestures and uncivil words, they offered to our famished lips. And my
+Lady Hopwood, and the fine Madams her daughters,--all laced and
+furbelowed, and with widows' and orphans' tears, and the blood-drops of
+crimped seamen and kidnapped children, twinkling in their Stomachers for
+gems,--were all set at their Bowery window, a pudding-fed Chaplain
+standing bowing and smirking behind them, and glozing in their ears no
+doubt Praises of their exceeding Charity and Humanity to wretches such
+as we were. But this Charity, Jack, says I to myself, is not of the
+Shapcott sort, and is but base metal after all. My troth, but we wanted
+the Bread and Cheese and Swipes; for we had had neither Bite nor Sup
+since we left Aylesbury Gaol seven-and-twenty hours agone. So, after a
+while, and the mob hallooing at us for Gallows-birds, and some Ruffians
+about the South-Sea House pelting us with stones,--for Luck, as they
+said,--we were had over London Bridge,--where with dreadful admiration I
+viewed the Heads and Quarters of Traitors, all shimmering in the coat of
+pitch i' the Sun over the North Turret,--and were bestowed for the
+night in the Borough Clink. And hither we were pursued by the Alderman's
+Agents, who straightway began to drive Unholy Bargains with those among
+us that had Money. Now 'twas selling them Necessaries for the voyage at
+exorbitant rates; or promising them, for cash in hand, to deliver them
+Luxuries, such as Tobacco, playing-cards, and strong waters, at the Port
+of Embarkation. Now 'twas substituting Light for Heavy Fetters, if the
+Heaviness could be Assuaged by Gold; and sometimes even negotiations
+were carried so far as for the convicted persons to give Drafts of
+Exchange, to be honoured by their Agents in London, so soon as word came
+from the Plantations that they had been placed in Tolerable Servitude,
+instead of Agonising Slavery. For although there was then, as there is
+now, a convenient Fiction that a Felon's goods became at once forfeit to
+the Crown, I never yet knew a Felon (and I have known many) that felt
+ever so little difficulty in keeping his property, if he had any, and
+disposing of it according to his own Good Will and Pleasure.
+
+The Head Gaoler of the Borough Clink--I know not how his Proper official
+title ran--was a colonel in the Foot Guards, who lived in Jermyn Street,
+St. James's, and transacted most of his High and Mighty business either
+at Poingdestre's Ordinary in St. Alban's Place, or at White's Chocolate
+House, to say naught of the Rose, or the Key in Chandos Street. Much,
+truly, did he concern himself about his unhappy Captives. His place was
+a Patent one, and was worth to him about Fifteen Hundred a year, at
+which sum it was farmed by Sir Basil Hopwood; who, in his turn, on the
+principle that "'tis scurvy money that won't stick to your fingers,"
+underlet the place to a Company of Four Rogues, who gave him Two
+Thousand for that, which they managed to swell into at least Three for
+themselves by squeezing of Poor Prisoners, and the like crying
+Injustices. 'Twas Aylesbury Gaol over again, with the newest
+improvements and the Humours of the Town added to it. So, when Sir
+Basil Hopwood took up a cargo of cast persons for Transportation, his
+underlings of the Borough Clink were only too glad to harbour them for a
+night or two, making a pretty profit out of the poor creatures. For all
+which, I doubt it not, Sir Basil Hopwood and his scoundrelly Myrmidons
+are, at this instant moment, Howling.
+
+This place was a prison for Debtors as well as Criminals, and was to the
+full as Foul as the Tophet-pit at Aylesbury yonder. I had not been there
+half an hour before a Lively companion of a Gentleman Cutpurse, with a
+wrench at my kerchief, a twist at my arm (which nearly Broke it in
+twain), and a smart Blow under my Lower Jaw, robs me of the packet of
+comforts (clothing, pressed beef, sugar, comfits, and the like) which my
+kind friends at Aylesbury had given me. The Rascal comes to me a few
+minutes afterwards with a packet of Soap and a Testament, which he had
+taken from my Bundle, and returns them to me with a Grin, telling me
+that it was long since his Body had felt need of the one or his Soul of
+the other. And yet I think they would have profited considerably
+(pending a Right Cord) by the application of Both. So I in a corner, to
+moan and whimper at my Distressed condition.
+
+A sad Sunday I spent in the Clink,--'twas on the Monday we were to
+start,--although, to some other of my companions, the Time passed
+jovially enough. For very many of the Relations and Friends of the
+Detained Persons came to visit them, bringing them money, victuals,
+clothing, and other Refreshments. 'Twas on this day I heard that one of
+us, who was cast for Forgery, had been offered a Free Pardon if he could
+lodge Five Hundred Pounds in the hands of a Person who had Great
+Influence near a Great Man.
+
+Late on the Sunday afternoon, Sir Basil Hopwood came down in his coach,
+and with his chaplain attendant on him. We Convicts were all had to the
+Grate, for the Knight and Alderman would not venture further in, for
+fear of the Gaol Fever; and he makes us a Fine Speech about the King's
+Mercy,--which I deny not,--and his own Infinite Goodness in providing
+for us in a Foreign Land. The which I question. Then he told us how we
+were to be very civil and obedient on the voyage to those who were set
+over us, refraining from cursing, swearing, gaming, or singing of
+profane songs, on pain of immediate and smart chastisement; and having
+said this, and the chaplain having given us his Benediction, he gat him
+gone, and we were rid of so much Rapacious and Luxurious Hypocrisy. We
+lay in the yard that night, wrapped in such extra Garments as some of us
+were Fortunate enough to have; and I sobbed myself to sleep, wishing, I
+well remember, that it might never be Day again, but that my Sorrows
+might all be closed in by the Merciful Curtain of Eternal Night.
+
+So on the Monday morning we were driven down--a body of Sir Basil
+Hopwood's own company of the Trainbands guarding us--to Shayler's
+Stairs, near unto the church of St. Mary Overy; and there--we were in
+number about a hundred--put on board a Hoy, which straightway, the tide
+being toward, bore down the river for Gravesend.
+
+By this time I found that, almost insensibly, as it were, I had become
+separated from my old companions the Blacks, and that I was more than
+ever Alone. The greatest likelihood is, that Authority deemed it
+advisable to break up, for good and all, the Formidable Confederacy they
+had laid hold of, and to prevent those Dangerous Men from ever again
+making Head together. But my whole Life was but a kind of Shifting and
+uncertain Vision, and I took little note of the personages with whom I
+came in contact, till looking around me, in a dull listlessness about
+the Hoy, I found myself, cheek by jowl, with a motley crew, seemingly
+picked up hap-hazard from all the gaols in England. But 'twas all one to
+me, and I did not much care. Such a Stupor of Misery came over me, that
+for a time I almost forgot my good Quaker Friends, and the lessons they
+had taught me; that I felt myself once more drifting into being a
+dangerous little brute; and that seeing the Master of the Hoy, a
+thirsty-looking man, lifting a great stone-bottle to his lips, I longed
+to serve him as I had served Corporal Foss with the demijohn of Brandy
+in the upper chamber of the Stag o' Tyne.
+
+We landed not at Gravesend, but were forthwith removed to a bark called
+_The Humane Hopwood_, in compliment, I suppose, to Sir Basil, and which,
+after lying three days in the Downs, put into Deal to complete her
+complement of Unfortunate Persons. And I remember that, before making
+Deal, we saw a stranded Brig on the Goodwins, which was said to be a
+Leghorner, very rich with oils and silks; round which were
+gathered--just as you may see obscene Birds of Prey gathered round a
+dead carcass, and picking the Flesh from its bones--at least a score of
+luggers belonging to the Deal Boatmen. These worthies had knocked holes
+in the hull of the wreck, and were busily hauling out packages and casks
+into their craft, coming to blows sometimes with axes and marlin-spikes
+as to who should have the Biggest Booty. And it was said on Board that
+they would not unfrequently decoy by false signals, or positively haul,
+a vessel in distress on to those same Goodwins,--in whose fatal depths
+so many tall Ships lie Engulfed,--in order to have the Plunder of her,
+which was more profitable than the Salvage, that being in the long-run
+mostly swallowed up by the Crimps and Longshore Lawyers of Deal and
+other Ports, who were wont to buy the Boatmen's rights at a Ruinous
+Discount. Salvage Men, indeed, these Boatmen might well be called; for
+when I was young it was their manner to act with an extreme of Savage
+Barbarity, thinking far less of saving Human Life than of clutching at
+the waifs and strays of a Rich Cargo. And then up would sheer a
+Custom-House cutter or a Revenue Pink, the skipper and his crew fierce
+in their Defence of the Laws of the Land, the Admiralty Droits, and
+their own twentieths; and from Hard blows with fists and spikes, matters
+would often come to the arbitrament of cutlasses and firearms; so that
+naval Engagements of a Miniature kind have often raged between the Deal
+Boatmen and the King's Officers. Surely the world was a Hard and a Cruel
+and a Brutal one, when I was young--bating the Poor-Laws, which were
+more merciful than at present; for now that I am old the Gazettes are
+full of the Tender Valour and Merciful Devotion of the Deal Boatmen,
+who, in the most tempestuous weather, will leave their warm beds, their
+wives and bairns, and put off, with the Sea running mountains high, to
+rescue Distraught Vessels and the Precious Lives that are within them.
+The Salvage Men of my time were brave enough, but they were likewise
+unconscionable rogues.
+
+The wind proved false to us at Deal, and we had to wait a weary ten days
+there. Captain Handsell was our commander. He was a man who knew but one
+course of proceeding. 'Twas always a word and a blow with him. By the
+same token the blow generally came first, and the word that followed was
+sure to be a bad one. The Captain of a Ship, from a Fishing Smack to a
+Three-Decker, was in those days a cruel and merciless Despot. 'Twas only
+the size of his ship and the number of his Equipage that decided the
+question whether he was to be a Petty Tyrant or a Tremendous One. His
+Empire was as undisputed as that of a Schoolmaster. Who was to gainsay
+him? To whom, at Sea, could his victims appeal? To the Sharks and
+Grampuses, the Dolphins and the Bonettas? He was privileged to beat, to
+fetter, to starve, to kick, to curse his Seamen. Even his Passengers
+trembled at the sight of this Bashaw of Bluewater; for he had Irons and
+Rations of Mouldy Biscuit for them too, if they offended him; and many a
+Beautiful and Haughty Lady paying full cabin-passage has bowed down
+before the wrath of a vulgar Skipper, who, at home, she would have
+thought unworthy to Black her Shoes, and who would be seething in the
+revelry of a Tavern in Rotherhithe, while she would be footing it in the
+Saloons of St. James's. Yet for a little time, at the outset of his
+voyage, the Skipper had his superior; the Bashaw had a Vizier who was
+bigger than he. There was a Terrible Man called the Pilot. He cared no
+more for the Captain than the Archbishop of Canterbury cares for a
+Charity-Boy. He gave him a piece of his mind whenever he chose, and he
+would have his own Way, and had it. It was the delight of the Seamen to
+see their Tyrant and Bully degraded for a time under the supreme
+authority of the Pilot, who drank the Skipper's rum; who had the best
+Beef and Burgoo at the Skipper's table; who wore, if he was so minded,
+the Skipper's tarpaulin; who used the Skipper's telescope, and thumbed
+his charts, and kicked his Cabin-boy, and swore his oaths, till, but for
+the fear of the Trinity House, I think the Skipper would have been
+mighty glad to fling him over the taffrail. But the reign of this Great
+Mogul of Lights and Points and Creeks soon came to an end. A River Pilot
+was the lesser evil, a Channel Pilot was the greater one; but both were
+got rid of at last. Then the Skipper was himself again. He would drink
+himself blind with Punch in the forenoon, or cob his cabin-boy to
+Death's door after dinner for a frolic. He could play the very Devil
+among the Hands, and they perforce bore with his capricious cruelty; for
+there is no running away from a Ship at Sea. Jack Shark is Gaoler, and
+keeps the door tight. There is but one way out of it, and that is to
+Mutiny, and hey for the Black Flag and a Pirate's Free and Jovial
+Life![A] But Mutiny is Hanging, and Piracy is Hanging, and Gibbeting
+too; and how seldom it is that you find Bold Hearts who have Stuff
+enough in them to Run the Great Risk! As on sea, so it is on land. That
+Ugly Halter dances before a man's eyes, and dazes him away from the
+Firmest Resolve. For how long will Schoolboys endure the hideous
+enormities of a Gnawbit before they come to the Supreme Revolt of a
+Barring-out! And for how long will a People suffer the mad tyranny of a
+Ruler, who outrages their Laws, who strangles their Liberties, who
+fleeces and squeezes and tramples upon them, before they take Heart of
+Grace, and up Pike and Musket, and down-derry-down with your Ruler, who
+is ordinarily the basest of Poltroons, and runs away in a fright so soon
+as the first Goose is bold enough to cry out that the Capitol _shall_ be
+saved!
+
+Nothing of this did I think aboard _The Humane Hopwood_. I was too young
+to have any thought at all, save of rage and anguish when it pleased
+Captain Handsell, being in a cheerful mood, to belabour me, till I was
+black and blue, with a rope's end. At the beginning of the voyage I was
+put into the hold, ironed, with the rest of the convicts, who were only
+permitted to come on deck twice a day, morning and evening, for a few
+Mouthfuls of Fresh air; who were fed on the vilest biscuit and the most
+putrid water, getting but a scrap of fat pork and a dram of Rum that was
+like Fire twice a week, and who were treated, generally, much like
+Negroes on the Middle Passage. But by and by,--say after ten days; but I
+took little account of Time in this floating Purgatory,--Captain
+Handsell had me unironed; and his cabin-boy, a poor weakly little lad,
+that could not stand much beating, being dead of that and a flux, and so
+thrown overboard without any more words being said about it--(he was but
+a little Scottish castaway from Edinburgh, who had been kidnapped late
+one night in the Grass Market, and sold to a Greenock skipper trading in
+that line for a hundred pound Scots--not above eight pounds of our
+currency)--and there is no Crowner's Quest at sea, I was promoted to the
+Vacant Post. I was Strong enough now, and the Wound in my side gave me
+no more pain; and I think I grew daily stronger and more hardened under
+the shower of blows which the Skipper very liberally dealt out to me; I
+hardly know with more plenitude when he was vexed, or when he was
+pleased. But I was not the same bleating little Lamb that the Wolfish
+Gnawbit used to torture. No, no; John Dangerous's apprenticeship had
+been useful to him. Even as college-lads graduate in their Latin and
+Greek, so I had graduated upon braining the Grenadier with the demijohn.
+I could take kicks and cuffs, but I could likewise give them. And so, as
+this Roaring Skipper made me a Block to vent his spite upon, I would
+struggle with, and bite, and kick his shins till sometimes we managed to
+fall together on the cabin-floor and tumble about there,--pull he, pull
+I, and a kick together!--till the Watch would look down the skylight
+upon us, grinning, and chuckle hoarsely that old Belzey, as they called
+their commander (being a diminutive for Beelzebub), and his young Imp
+were having a tussle. Thus it came about that among these unthinking
+Seamen I grew to be called Pug (who, I have heard, is the Lesser Fiend),
+or Little Brimstone, or young Pitchladle. And then I, in my Impish way,
+would offer to fight them too, resenting their scurril nicknames, and
+telling them that I had but one name, which was Jack Dangerous.
+
+The oddest thing in the world was that the Skipper, Ungovernable Brute
+as he was, seemed to take a kind of liking for me through my Resistance
+to him.
+
+"What a young Tiger-cub it is!" he would say sometimes, swaying about
+his Rope's End, as if undecided whether to hit me or not. "Lie down,
+Rawbones! Lie down, Tearem!"
+
+"You go to hit me again," I would cry, all hot and flurried; "I'll mark
+you, I will, you Tarpaulin Hedgehog!"
+
+Then in a Rage he would make a Rush at me, and Welt me sorely; but
+oftener he would Relent, and opening his Locker would give me a slice of
+Sausage, or a white Biscuit, or a nip of curious Nantz.
+
+At last he gave up maltreating me altogether. "If you'd been of the same
+kidney as Sawney M'Gillicuddy," he said, speaking of the poor little
+Scottish lad who Died, "I'd have made you food for fishes long ago.
+'Slid, my younker, but they should 'a had their meat tender enough, or
+there's no vartue in hackled hemp for a lacing! But you've got a Heart,
+my lad; and if you're not hanged before you're out of your Teens,
+you'll show the World that you can Bite as well as Bark some of these
+days."
+
+So I became a prime Favourite with Captain Handsell; and, in the
+Expansion of his Liking towards me, he began to give me instruction in
+the vocation in which a portion of my life has since (with no small
+Distinction, though I say it that should not) been passed. Of scientific
+Navigation this very Rude and Boorish person knew little, if any thing;
+but as a Practical Seaman he had much skill and experience. Indeed, if
+the Hands had not enjoyed a lively Faith in the solid sea-going
+Qualities of "Foul-Weather Bob," as they called him when they did not
+choose to give him his demoniacal appellation, they would have Mutinied,
+and sent him, Lashed to a grating, on a voyage of Discovery at least
+twice in every Twenty-Four Hours. For he led them a most Fearful Life.
+
+I had imparted to him that I was somewhat of a scholar, and that Captain
+Night had taught me something besides stealing the King's Deer. There
+was a Bible on Board, which the Skipper never read,--and read, indeed,
+he was scarcely able to do,--but which he turned to the unseemly use,
+when he had been over-cruel to his crew, of swearing them upon it, that
+they would not inform against him when they got into port. For this was
+an odd medley of a man, and had his moments of Remorse for evil-doing,
+or else of Fear as to what might be the Consequences when he reached a
+Land where some degree of Law and Justice were recognised. At some times
+he would propitiate his crew with donatives of Rum, or even of Money;
+but the next day he would have his Cruelty Fit on again, and use his men
+with ten times more Fierceness and Arbitrary Barbarity. But to this
+Bible and a volume of Nautical Tables our Library was confined; and as
+he troubled himself very little about the latter, I was set to read to
+him sometimes after dinner from the Good Book. But he was ever coarse
+and ungovernable, and would have no Righteous Doctrine or Tender
+Precepts, but only took delight when I read to him from the Old
+Scriptures the stories of the Jews, their bloody wars, and how their
+captains and men of war slew their Thousands and their Tens of Thousands
+in Battle. And with shame I own that 'twas these Furious Narratives that
+I liked also; and with exceeding pleasure read of Joshua his victories,
+and Samson his achievements, and Gideon how he battled, and Agag how
+they hewed him in pieces. Little cockering books I see now put forth,
+with pretty decoying pictures, which little children are bidden to read.
+Stories from the Old Testament are dressed up in pretty sugared
+language. Oh, you makers of these little books! oh, you fond mothers who
+place them so deftly in your children's hands! bethink you whether this
+strong meat is fit for Babes. An old man, whose life has been passed in
+Storms and Stratagems and Violence, not innocent of blood-spilling, bids
+you beware! Let the children read that other Book, its Sweet and Tender
+Counsels, its examples of Mercy and Love to all Mankind. But if I had a
+child five or six years old, would I let him fill himself with the
+horrible chronicles of Lust, and Spoliation, and Hatred, and Murder, and
+Revenge? "Why shouldn't I torture the cat?" asks little Tommy. "Didn't
+the man in the Good Book tie blazing Torches to the foxes' tails?" And
+little Tommy has some show of reason on his side. Let the children grow
+up; wait till their stomachs are strong enough to digest this potent
+victual. It is hard indeed for one who has been a Protestant alway to
+have to confess that when such indiscreet reading is placed in
+children's hands, those crafty Romish ecclesiastics speak not altogether
+foolishly when they tell us that the mere Word slayeth. But on this
+point I am agreed to consult Doctor Dubiety, and to be bound by his
+decision.
+
+In so reading to the Skipper every day, I did not forget to exercise
+myself in that other art of Writing, and was in time serviceable enough
+to be able to keep, in something like a rational and legible form the
+Log of _The Humane Hopwood_, which heretofore had been a kind of
+cabalistic Register, full of blots, crosses, half-moons, and zigzags,
+like the chalk score of an unlettered Ale-wife. And the more I read (of
+surely the grandest and simplest language in the world), the more I
+discovered how ignorant I was of that essential art of Spelling, and
+blushed at the vile manner in which the Petition I had written to the
+King of England was set down. And before we came to our voyage's end, I
+had made a noticeable improvement in the Curious Mystery of writing
+Plain English.
+
+One day as the Skipper was taking Tobacco (for he was a great Smoker),
+he said to me, "Jack, do you know what you are, lad?"
+
+"Your cabin-boy," I answered; "bound to fetch and carry: hempen wages,
+and not much better treated than a dog."
+
+"You lie, you scum," Captain Handsell answered pleasantly. "You go
+snacks with me in the very best, and your beef is boiled in my own
+copper. But 'tisn't that I mean. Do you know how you hail on the
+World's books? what the number of your mess in Life is?"
+
+"Yes," I replied; "I'm a Transport. Was to have been hanged; but I wrote
+out a Petition, and the Gentlemen in London gave it to the King, God
+bless him!"
+
+"Vastly well, mate!" continued the Captain. "Do you know what a
+Transport is?"
+
+"No; something very bad, I suppose; though I don't see that he can be
+much worse off than a cabin-boy that's been cast for Death, and lain in
+gaol with a bayonet-wound he got from a Grenadier,--let alone having
+been among the Blacks, and paid anigh to Death by Gnawbit,--when he was
+born a Gentleman."
+
+"You lie again. To be a Transport is worse than aught you've had. Why a
+cat in an oven without claws is an Angel of bliss along of a Transport!
+You're living in a land of beans and bacon now, in a land of milk and
+honey and new rum. Wait till you get to Jamaica. The hundred and odd
+vagabonds that I've got aboard will be given over to the Sheriff at Port
+Royal, and he'll sell 'em by auction; and for as long as they're sent
+across the herring-pond they'll be slaves, and worse than slaves, to the
+planters; for the black Niggers themselves, rot 'em! make a mock of a
+Newgate bird. Hard work in the blazing sun, scarce enough to eat to keep
+body and soul together, the cat-o'-nine-tails every day, with the
+cow-hide for a change; and, when your term's out, not a Joe in your
+pocket to help you to get back to your own country again. That's the
+life of a Transport, my hearty. Why, it's worse cheer than one of my own
+hands gets here on shipboard!"
+
+"I think I'd rather be hanged," I said, with something like a Trembling
+come over me at the Picture the Skipper had drawn.
+
+"I should rather think you would; but such isn't your luck, little Jack
+Dangerous. What would you say if I was to tell you that you ain't a
+Transport at all?"
+
+I stammered out something, I know not what, but could make no
+substantial reply.
+
+"Not a bit of it," continued Captain Handsell, who by this time was
+getting somewhat Brisk with his afternoon's Punch. "Hang it, who's
+afraid? I like thee, lad. I'm off my bargain, and don't care a salt
+herring if I'm a loser by a few broad pieces in not sticking to it. I
+tell thee, Jack, thou'rt Free, as Free as I am; leastways if we get to
+Jamaica without going to Davy Jones's Locker; for on blue water no man
+can say he's Free. No; not the Skipper even."
+
+And then he told me, to my exceeding Amazement and Delight, of what an
+Iniquitous Transaction I had very nearly been made the victim. It seems
+that although the Pardon granted me after the Petition I had sent to his
+Majesty was conditional on my transporting myself to the Plantations,
+further influence had been made for me in London,--by whom I knew not
+then, but I have since discovered,--and on the very Day of the arrival
+of our condemned crew in London, an Entire and Free Pardon had been
+issued for John Dangerous and lodged in the hands of Sir Basil Hopwood
+at his House in Bishopsgate Street. Along with this merciful Document
+there came a letter from one of his Majesty's principal Secretaries of
+State, in which directions were given that I was to be delivered over to
+a person who was my Guardian. And that I was in no danger of being again
+given up to the villains Cadwallader and Talmash, or their Instrument
+Gnawbit, was clear, I think, from what Captain Handsell told me:--That
+the Person bringing the letter--the Pardon itself being in the hands of
+a King's Messenger--had the appearance, although dressed in a lay habit,
+of being a Foreign Ecclesiastic. The crafty Extortioner of a Knight and
+Alderman makes answer that I had not come with the other Transports to
+London, but had been left sick at Brentford, in the care of an agent of
+his there; but he entreats the Foreign Person to go visit Newgate, where
+he had another gang of unhappy persons for Transportation, and see if I
+had arrived. And all this while the wretch knew that I was safely
+clapped up in the yard of the Borough Clink. And the Foreign Person
+being met at the Old Bailey by one of Hopwood's creatures, this Thing
+takes him to walk on the leads of the Sessions House, praying him not to
+enter the gaol, where many had lately been stricken with the Distemper,
+and by and by up comes a Messenger all hot as it seemed with express
+riding,--though his sweat and dust were all Forged,--and says that a
+gang of Ruffians have broken up the Cage of Brentford, where, for
+greater safety, the Boy Dangerous had been bestowed; that these Ruffians
+were supposed to be the remnant of the Blacks of Charlwood Chase who had
+escaped from capture; and that they had stolen away the Boy Dangerous,
+and made clear off with him. And, indeed, it was a curious circumstance
+that Brentford Cage was that day broken into (the Times were very
+Lawless), and a Strange Boy taken out therefrom. But Hopwood had
+artfully separated me from the Blacks who were in Newgate, and placed me
+among a stranger mob of riffraff in the Borough Clink. The Newgate Gang
+were in due time taken, not to Gravesend, but straight away from the
+Pool to Richmond in Virginia; whereas I was conveyed to Gravesend and
+Deal, and shipped off to Jamaica in _The Humane Hopwood_. And what do
+you think was the object of this Humane Scoundrel in thus sequestrating
+the King's Pardon and robbing me of my liberty, and perhaps of the
+occasion of returning to the state of a Gentleman, in which I was Born?
+'Twas simply to kidnap me, and make a wretched profit of twenty or
+thirty pounds,--the Commander of his Ship going him half in the
+adventure,--by selling me in the West Indies, where white boys not being
+Transports were then much in demand, to be brought up as clerks and
+cash-keepers to the Planters. Sure there was never such a Diabolical
+Plot for so sorry an end; but a vast number of paltry conspiracies,
+carried out with Infernal Cunning and Ingenuity, had made, in the course
+of years, Sir Basil Hopwood rich and mighty, a Knight and Alderman,
+Parliament man and ex-Lord Mayor. To carry out these designs was just
+part of the ordinary calling of a Shipmaster in those days. 'Twas looked
+upon as the simplest matter of business in the world. To kidnap a child
+was such an everyday deed of devilry, that the slightest amount of pains
+was deemed sufficing to conceal the abominable thing. And thus the
+Foreign Person saw with dolorous Eyes the convoy of convicts take their
+departure from Newgate to ship on board the Virginian vessel at St.
+Katherine's Stairs, while poor little Jack Dangerous was being smuggled
+away from Gravesend to Jamaica.
+
+And to Jamaica I should have gone to be sold as a Slave, but for the
+strange occurrence of the Captain taking a liking to me. He dared not
+have kept me among the convicts, as the Sheriff at Port Royal would have
+had a List in Duplicate of their names sent out by a fast-sailing King's
+Ship; for the Government at Home had some faint Suspicion of the
+prevailing custom of Kidnapping, and made some Feeble Attempts to stop
+it. But he would have kept me on board as a ship-boy till the Auction of
+the Transports was over, and then he would have coolly sold me, for as
+much as I would fetch, to some Merchant of Kingston or Port Royal, who
+was used to deal in flesh and blood, and who, in due course, would have
+transferred me, at a profit, to some up-country planter.
+
+"But that shall never be, Jack my hearty," Captain Handsell exclaimed,
+when, after many more pipes of Tobacco and rummers of Punch, he had
+explained these wonderful things to me. "I shall lose my half share in
+the venture, and shall have to tell a rare lie to yonder old
+Skin-a-flea-for-the-hide-and-fat in London; but what o' that? I tell
+thee I won't have the sale of thy flesh and blood on my conscience. No
+slave shall you be, forsooth. I have an aunt at Kingston, as honest a
+woman as ever broke biscuit, although she has got a dash of the
+tar-brush on her mug, and she shall take charge of thee; and if thou
+were a gentleman born, I'll be hanged if thou sha'n't be a gentleman
+bred."
+
+It would have been more fitted to the performance of this Honourable
+and Upright Action towards one that he had no motive at all in serving
+(in Fact, his Interest lay right the other way), that I should be able
+to chronicle a sensible Reformation in my Commander's bearing and
+conduct towards others; but, alas, that I am unable to do; the truth
+being that he continued, unto the very end of our voyage, to be towards
+the Hands the same brutal and merciless Tyrant that he had once, in the
+days of his Rope's-End Discipline, been towards me. 'Twas Punch and
+Cobbing, Tobacco and Ugly Words, from the rising of the Sun until the
+setting of the same. And for this reason it is (having seen so many
+Contradictions in Human character) that I am never surprised to hear of
+a Good Action on the part of a very Bad Man, or of a Bad Action done by
+him who is ordinarily accounted a very Good one.
+
+_The Humane Hopwood_ was a very shy Sailer,--being, in truth, as Leaky
+an old Tub as ever escaped breaking up for Fire-Wood at Lumberers'
+Wharfs,--and we were seven weeks at Sea before we fell in with a
+trade-wind, and then setting every Rag we could hoist, went gaily before
+that Favourable breeze, and so cast anchor at Port Royal in the island
+of Jamaica.
+
+Captain Handsell was as good as his word. Not a syllable did he say to
+the Sheriff of Kingston about my not being a Transport, or being,
+indeed, in the Flesh at all in those parts; for he argued that the
+Sheriff might have some foregatherings with the Knight and Alderman of
+Bishopsgate Street by correspondence, and that the Wealthy Extortioner
+might make use of his credit in the Sugar Islands to do me, some day or
+another, an ill turn. But he had me privily on shore when the Transports
+had all been assigned to different task-masters; and in due time he
+introduced me to his Aunt, his Brother's Wife indeed (and I believe he
+had come out to the Island with an Old-Bailey Passport; but Rum and the
+climate had been too strong for him, and he had so Died and left her a
+Widow).
+
+She was by right and title, then, Mistress Handsell, with the Christian
+name of Sarah; but among the coloured people of Kingston she went by the
+name of Maum Buckey, and, among her more immediate intimates, as "Yaller
+Sally." And, although she passed for being very Wealthy, I declare that
+she was nothing but a Washerwoman. This Washing Trade of hers, however,
+which she carried on for the King and Merchants' ships that were in
+Harbour, and for nearly all the rich Merchants and Traders of Kingston,
+brought Maum Buckey in a very pretty penny; and not only was her tub
+commerce a brisk ready-money business, but she had two flourishing
+plantations--one for the growing of Coffee, and the other of Sugar--near
+the town of Savannah de la Mar. Moreover, she had a distillery of Rum
+and Arrack in Kingston itself, and everybody agreed that she must be
+very well to do in the world. She was an immensely fat old Mulotter
+woman, on the wrong side of Fifty when I knew her, and her Mother had
+been a slave that had been the Favourite Housekeeper to the English
+Governor, who, dying, left her her Freedom, and enough Money to carry
+on that Trade of cleansing clothes which her Daughter afterwards made so
+profitable.
+
+Maum Buckey and I soon became very good friends. She was proud of her
+relationship with a white Englishman--"a right go-down Buckra" as she
+called him--who commanded a ship, and besides recommended her to other
+gentlemen in his way for a Washerwoman; and although she took care to
+inform me, before we had been twenty-four hours acquainted, that her
+Husband, Sam Handsell, has been a sad Rascal, who would have drunk all
+her Money away, had he not Timeously drunk himself to death, she made me
+the friendliest welcome, and promised that she would do all she could
+for me, "the little piccaninny buckra," who was set down by Mr. Handsell
+as being the son of an old Shipmate of his that had met with
+misfortunes. After a six weeks' stay in the island, and _The Humane
+Hopwood_ getting Freight in the way of Sugar, Captain Handsell bade me
+good by, and set sail with a fair wind for Bristol, England. I never
+set Eyes upon him again. You see, my Friends, that this is no
+cunningly-spun Romance, in which a character disappears for a Season,
+and turns up again, as pat as you please, at the end of the Fourth
+Volume; but a plain Narrative of Facts, in which the Personages
+introduced must needs Come and Go precisely as they Came and Went to me
+in Real Life. I have often wished, when I had Power and Riches, to meet
+with and show my Gratitude to the rough old Sea-Porpoise that used to
+Rope's-End me so, and was so tearing a Tyrant to his Hands, and yet in a
+mere fit of kind-heartedness played the Honest Man to me, when All
+Things seemed against me, and rescued John Dangerous from a Foul and
+Wicked Trap.
+
+Maum Buckey had a great rambling house--it had but one Storey, with a
+Piazza running round, but a huge number of Rooms and Yards--in the
+suburbs of Kingston. There did I take up my abode. She had at least
+twenty Negro and Mulotter Women and Girls that worked for her at the
+Washing, and at Starching and Ironing, for the Mill was always going
+with her. 'Twas wash, wash, wash, and wring, wring, wring, and scrub,
+scrub, scrub, all day and all night too, when the harbour was full of
+ships. Not that she ever touched Soapsuds or Flat-iron or
+Goffering-stick herself. She was vastly too much of a Fine Lady for
+that, and would loll about in a great chair,--one Negro child fanning
+her with a great Palmetto, and another tickling the soles of her
+feet,--sipping her Sangaree as daintily as you please. She was the most
+ignorant old creature that ever was known, could neither read nor write,
+and made a sad jumble of the King's English when she spoke; yet, by mere
+natural quickness and rule-of-thumb, she could calculate to a Joe how
+much a Shipmaster's Washing-Bill came to. And when she had settled that
+according to her Scale of Charges, which were of the most Exorbitant
+Kind, she would Grin and say, "He dam ship, good consignee;" or, "He dam
+ship, dam rich owner; stick him on 'nother dam fi' poun' English, my
+chile;" and for some curious reason or another, 'twas seldom that a
+shipmaster cared to quarrel with Maum Buckey's Washing-Bills. She, being
+so unlettered, had been compelled to engage all manner of Whites who
+could write and read--now Transports, now Free--to keep her accounts,
+and draw her necessary writings; but it was hard to tell which were the
+greatest Rogues, the Convicts whose term was out, or the Free Gentlemen
+who had come out without a pair of iron garters to their hose. In those
+days all our plantations, and Jamaica most notably, were full of the
+very Scum and Riffraff of our English towns. 'Twas as though you had let
+Fleet Ditch, dead dogs and all, loose on a West-India Island. That
+Ragged Regiment which Falstaff in the Play would not march through
+Coventry with were at free quarters in Jamaica, leave alone the regular
+garrison of King's Troops, of which the private men were mostly
+pickpockets, poachers, and runaway serving-men, who had enlisted to save
+themselves from a merry-go-round at Rope Fair; and the officers the
+worst and most abandoned Gentlemen that ever wore his Majesty's
+cockade, and gave themselves airs because they had three-quarters of a
+yard of black ribbon crinked up in their hats. Captain This, who had
+been kicked out of a Charing-Cross coffee-house for pocketing a
+Punch-ladle while the drawer was not looking; Lieutenant That, who had
+been caned on the Mall for cheating at cards; and Ensign T'other, who
+had been my lord's valet, and married his Madam for enough cash to buy a
+pair of colours withal--Military gentlemen of this feather used to serve
+in the West Indies in those days, and swagger about Kingston as proud as
+peacocks, when every one of them had done that at home they should be
+cashiered for. Maum Buckey would not have to do with these
+light-come-light-go gallants. "Me wash for Gem'n Ship-Cap'n, Gem'n
+Marchants, Gem'n Keep-store," she would observe; "me not wash for dam
+Soger-officer."
+
+Her Sugar Plantation was in charge of a shrewd North-countryman, against
+whom, save that he was a runaway bankrupt from Hull in England, there
+was nothing to say. Her Coffee Estate was managed by an Irishman that
+had married, as he thought, a great Fortune, but found the day after his
+wedding that she but a fortune-hunter like himself, and had at least
+three husbands living in divers parts of the world. And finally, the
+Distillery had for overseer one, an Englishman, that had been a Horse
+Couper, and a runner for the Crimps at Wapping, and a supercargo that
+was not too honest,--albeit he had to keep his accounts pretty square
+with Maum Buckey, than whom there never was a woman who had a keener Eye
+for business or a finer Scent for a Rogue.
+
+She made me her Bookkeeper for the Washing Department. 'Twas not a very
+dignified Employment for one that had been a young Gentleman, but 'twas
+vastly better than the Fate of one who, but for a mere Accident, might
+have been a young Slave. So I kept Maum Buckey's Books, teaching myself
+how to do so featly from a Ready Reckoner and Accomptant's Assistant
+(Mr. Cocker's), which I bought at a Bookstore in Kingston. The work was
+pretty hard, and the old Dame of the Tub kept me tightly enough at it;
+but when the work was over she was very kind to me, and we had the very
+best of living: ducks and geese and turkeys and pork (of which the
+Mulotter women are inordinately fond, although I never could reconcile
+to myself how their stomachs, in so hot a climate, could endure so
+Luscious a Food); fish of the primest from the Harbour of Port Royal,
+lobsters and crabs and turtle (which last is as cheap as Tripe with us,
+and so plentiful, that the Niggers will sometimes disdain to eat it,
+though 'tis excellent served as soup in the creature's own shell, and a
+most digestible Viand); to say nothing of bananas, shaddock, mango,
+plantains, and the many delicious fruits and vegetables of that Fertile
+Colony; where, if the land-breeze in the morning did not half choke you
+with harsh dust, and the sea-breeze in the afternoon pierce you to the
+marrow with deadly chills, and if one could abstain from surfeits of
+fruits and over-drinking of the too abundant ardent spirits of the
+country, a man might live a very jovial kind of life. However, I was
+young and healthy, and, though never a shirker of my glass in
+after-days, prudently moderate in my Potations. During four years that I
+passed in the Island of Jamaica (one of the brightest jewels in the
+British Crown, and as Loyal, I delight to say, as I am myself), I don't
+think I had the Yellow Fever more than three times, and at last grew as
+tough as leather, and could say Bo to a land-crab (how many a White
+Man's carcass have those crabs picked clean at the Palisadoes!), as
+though I feared him no more than a Green Goose.
+
+It may be fitting here that I should say something about that Abominable
+Curse of Negro Slavery, which was then so Familiar and Unquestioned a
+Thing in all our Colonies, that its innate and Detestable Wickedness was
+scarcely taken into account in men's minds. Speaking only by the Card,
+and of that which I saw with my own eyes, I don't think that Maum Buckey
+was any crueller than other slave-owners of her class: for 'tis well
+known that the Mulotter women are far more severe task-mistresses than
+the Whites. But, Lord! Whites and coloured people, who in the West
+Indies are permitted, when free, to own their fellow-creatures who are
+only a shade darker in colour than they, left little to choose betwixt
+on the score of cruelty. When I tell you that I have seen Slave Women
+and Girls chained to the washing-tub, their naked bodies all one gore of
+blood from the lashes of the whip; that on the public wharf at Kingston
+I have seen a Negro man drawn up by his hands to a crane used for
+lifting merchandise, while his toes, that barely touched the ground,
+were ballasted with a thirty-pound weight, and, in that Trim, beaten
+with the Raw Hide or with Tamarind-Bushes till you could lay your two
+fingers in the furrows made by the whip (with which expert Scourgineers
+boast they can lay deep ruts in a Deal Board), or else I have seen the
+poor Miserable Wretch the next day lying on his face on the Beach, and a
+Comrade taking the prickles of the Tamarind-Stubs, which are tempered in
+the Fire, and far worse than English Thornbushes, out of his back;--you
+may imagine that 'twas no milk-and-water Regimen that the slaves in the
+West Indies had to undergo at the hands of their Hard masters and
+mistresses. Also, I have known slaves taken to the Sick-House, or
+Hospital, so dreadfully mangled with unmerciful correction as for their
+wounds to be one mass of putrefaction, and they shortly do give up the
+Ghost; while, at other times, I have seen unfortunate creatures that had
+been so lacerated, both back and front, as to be obliged to crawl about
+on All Fours. Likewise have I seen Negro men, Negro women, yea, and
+Negro children, with iron collars and prongs about their necks; with
+logs riveted to their legs, with their Ears torn off, their Nostrils
+slit, their Cheeks branded, and otherwise most frightfully Mutilated.
+Item, I have known at the dinner-table of a Planter of wealth and
+repute, the Jumper, or Public Flogger, to come in and ask if Master and
+Missee had any commands for him; and, by the order of the Lady of the
+House, take out two Decent Women that had been waiting at the table,
+and give them fifty lashes apiece on the public parade, every stroke
+drawing Blood and bringing Flesh with it, and they, when all was over,
+embracing and thanking him for their Punishment, as was the custom of
+the Colony.[B] Item, within my own knowledge have I been made familiar
+with many acts of the Deepest Barbarity. Mistresses, for Jealousy or
+Caprice, pouring boiling-water or hot melted Sealing-Wax on their slave
+girls' flesh after they had suffered the worst Tortures of the whip; and
+white Ladies of Education rubbing Cayenne-pepper into the eyes of
+Negroes who had offended them, or singeing the tenderest parts of their
+limbs with sticks of fire. And of one horrid instance have I heard of
+Malignant and Hellish revenge in Two Ladies who were Sisters (and bred
+at a Fine Boarding-School in England), who, having a spite against a
+yellow woman that attended on them, did tie her hands and feet, and so
+beat her nearly to death with the heels of their slippers; and not
+satisfied with that, or with laving her gashed body with Vinegar and
+Chillies, did send for a Negro man, and bid him, under threats of
+punishment, strike out two of the Victim's teeth with a punch, which, to
+the shame of Human Womanhood, was done.
+
+But enough of these Horrors:--not the worst that I have seen, though, in
+the course of my Adventures; only I will not further sicken you with the
+Recital of the Sufferings inflicted on the Wretched Creatures by Ladies
+and Gentlemen, who had had the first breeding, and went to Church every
+Sunday. I have merely set down these dreadful things to work out the
+theory of my Belief, that the World is growing Milder and more Merciful
+every day; and that the Barbarities which were once openly practised in
+the broad sunshine, and without e'er a one lifting finger or wagging
+tongue against them, are becoming rarer and rarer, and will soon be
+Impossible of Commission. The unspeakable Miseries of the Middle Passage
+(of which I have been an eye-witness) exist no more; really Humane and
+Charitable Gentlemen, not such False Rogues and Kidnappers as your
+Hopwoods, are bestirring themselves in Parliament and elsewhere to
+better the Dolorous Condition of the Negro; and although it may be a
+Decree of Providence that the children of Ham are to continue always
+slaves and servants to their white brethren, I see every day that men's
+hearts are being more and more benevolently turned towards them, and
+that laws, ere long, will be made to forbid their being treated worse
+than the beasts that perish.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[A] Captain Dangerous! Captain Dangerous!--ED.
+
+[B] That which I have made Captain Dangerous relate in fiction will be
+found narrated, act for act, and nearly word for word, in the very
+unromantic evidence given before the first parliamentary committee on
+slavery and the slave-trade moved for by Mr. Clarkson.--ED.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SECOND.
+
+          OF OTHER MY ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO BE A
+          MAN.
+
+
+THUS in a sultry colony, among Black Negroes and their cruel
+Task-masters, and I the clerk to a Mulotter Washerwoman, did I come to
+be full sixteen years of age, and a stalwart Lad of my inches. But for
+that Fate, which from the first irrevocably decreed that mine was to be
+a Roving Life, almost to its end, I might have continued in the employ
+of Maum Buckey until Manhood overtook me. The Dame was not unfavourable
+towards me; and, without vanity, may I say that, had I waited my
+occasion, 'tis not unlikely but that I might have married her, and
+become the possessor of her plump Money-Bags, full of Moidores, pilar
+Dollars, and pieces of Eight. Happily I was not permitted so to
+disparage my lineage, and put a coffee-coloured blot on my escutcheon.
+No, my Lilias is no Mulotter Quartercaste. 'Twas my roving propensity
+that made me set but little store by the sugar-eyes and Molasses-speech
+which Madam Soapsuds was not loth to bestow on me, a tall and likely
+Lad. I valued her sweetness just as though it had been so much
+cane-trash. With much impatience I had waited for the coming back of my
+friendly skipper, that he might advise me as to my future career. But,
+as I have already warned the Reader, it was fated that I was to see that
+kindly shipmaster no more. Once, indeed, the old ship came into Port
+Royal, and right eagerly did I take boat and board her. But her name had
+been changed from _The Humane Hopwood_ to _The Protestant Pledge_. She
+was in the Guinea trade now, and brought Negroes, poor souls! to slave
+in our Plantations. The Mariner that was her commander had but dismal
+news to tell me of my friendly Handsell. He, returning to the old
+country, had it seems a Mighty Quarrel with his Patron--and my Patron
+too, forsooth!--Villain Hopwood. Whether he had reproached him with his
+treachery to me or not, I know not; but it is certain that both parted
+full of Wrath and High Disdain, and each swearing to be the Ruin of the
+other. But Gold had, as it has always in a Mammon-ridden world, the
+longest, strongest pull. Devil Hopwood found it easy to get the better
+of a poor unlettered tarpaulin, that knew well enough the way into a
+Wapping Alehouse, but quite lost himself in threading the mazes of a
+great man's Antechamber. 'Tis inconceivable how much dirty work there
+was done in my young days between Corinthian columns and over Turkey
+carpets, and under ceilings painted by Verrio and Laguerre. Sir Basil, I
+believe, went to a great man, and puts a hundred guineas into the hands
+of his Gentleman--by the which I mean his Menial Servant, save that he
+wore no Livery; but there's many a Base wretch hath his soul in plush,
+and the Devil's aigulets on his heart. How much out of the Hundred my
+Lord took, and how much his Gentleman kept, it serves not to inquire.
+They struck a Bargain, and short was the Time before Ruin came swooping
+down on Captain Handsell. He had gone into the Channel trade; and they
+must needs have him exchequered for smuggling brandies and lace from St.
+Malo's. Quick on this follows a criminal Indictment, from which, as a
+Fool, he flies; for he might at least have threatened to say damaging
+things of Brute Basil in the dock, and have made terms with him before
+trial came on. And then he must needs take command of a miserable lugger
+that fetched and carried between Deal and Dunquerque--the old, old,
+sorry tinpot business of kegs of strong waters, and worse contraband in
+the guise of Jacobite despatches. To think of brave men's lives being
+risked in these twopenny errands, and a heart of Oak brought to the
+gallows, that clowns may get drunk the cheaper, or traitors--for your
+Jacobite conspirators were but handy-dandy Judases, now to King James
+and now to King George--exchange their rubbishing ciphers the easier!
+It drives me wild to think of these pinchbeck enterprises. If a Man's
+tastes lead him towards the Open, the Bold, and the Free, e'en let him
+ship himself off to a far climate, the hotter the better, where Prizes
+are rich, and the King's writ in Assault and Battery runneth not,--nor
+for a great many other things ayont Assault and Battery,--and where, up
+a snug creek, of which he knows the pilotage well, he may give a good
+account of a King's ship when he finds her. He who does any thing
+contrair to English law within five hundred leagues of an English lawyer
+or an English law-court is a very Ass and Dolt. Fees and costs will have
+their cravings; and from the process-server to the Hangman all will have
+their due. Give me an offing, where there is no law but that of the
+strong hand and the bold Heart. Any sharks but land-sharks for John
+Dangerous. I never see a parchment-visaged, fee-clutching limb of the
+law but I long to beat him, and, if I had him on blue water, to trice
+him up higher than ever he went before. But for a keg of brandy! But for
+a packet of treason-papers! Shame! 'tis base, 'tis idiotic. And this
+did the unlucky Handsell find to his cost. I believe he was slain in a
+midnight affray with some Riding Officers of the Customs close unto
+Deal, about two years after his going into a trade that was as mean as
+it was perilous.
+
+So no more Hope for me from that quarter. The skipper of _The Protestant
+Pledge_ would have retained me on board for a Carouse; but I had too
+much care for my Head and my Liver for such pranks, and went back, as
+dolefully as might be, to keep Maum Buckey's washing-books. I chafed at
+the thought that I could do no more. I told her the grim news I had
+heard of her brother-in-law, whereat she wept somewhat; for where Whites
+were concerned she was not a hard-hearted woman. But she cheered up
+speedily, saying that Sam had come to as sorry an end, and that she
+supposed there was but one way with the Handsells, Rum and Riot being
+generally their Ruin.
+
+As it is one of the failings of youth not to know when it is well off,
+and to grow A-weary even of continued prosperity, I admit that the life
+I led palled upon me, and that I longed to change it. But it was not,
+all things considered, so very unpleasant a one. True, the employment
+was a sorry one, and utterly beneath the dignity of a Gentleman, such as
+bearing fardels in the streets or unloading casks and bales at the
+wharf, for instance. But it is in man's nature never to be satisfied,
+and when he is well to long to be better, and so, by force of striving,
+to tumble into a Hole, where indeed he is at the Best, for he is Dead.
+At this distance of time, though I have many comforts around
+me,--Worldly Goods, a Reputable name, my Child, and her Husband,--I
+still look back on my old life in Jamaica, and confess that Providence
+dealt very mercifully with me in those bygone days. For I had enough to
+eat and to drink, and a Mistress who, although Passionate and
+Quarrelsome enough by times, was not unkind. If she would swear, she
+would also tender gentle Language upon occasion; and if she would throw
+things, she was not backward in giving one a dollar to heal one's pate.
+An odd life it was, truly. There was very little of that magnificence
+about the town of Port Royal in my days which I have heard the Creoles
+to boast about. It may have been handsome enough in the Spaniard's
+Reign, or in King Charles the Second's; but I have heard that its most
+comely parts had been swallowed up by an Earthquake, and, when I
+remember it, the Main thoroughfare was like nothing half so much as the
+Fag End of Kent Street in the Borough, where the Broom-men live. As for
+public scavengers--humane at least--there were none; for that salutary
+practice of putting rebellious Blacks into chain-gangs, and making them
+sweep the streets,--which might be well done in London with Pickpockets
+and the like trash, to their souls' health and the benefit of the Body
+politic,--did not then obtain. The only way of clearing the offal was by
+the obscene birds that flew down from the hills; Messieurs the
+landcrabs, who were assuredly the best scavengers of all, not stirring
+beyond the Palisadoes. Some things were very cheap, but others
+inordinately dear. Veal was at a prodigious price; and 'twas a common
+saying, that you could buy Four children in England cheaper than you
+could one calf in Jamaica. But for the products and dishes of the
+colony, which I have elsewhere hinted at, all was as low-priced as it
+was abundant. What droll names did they give, too, unto their fish and
+flesh and fowl! How often have you in England heard of Crampos,
+Bonettas, Ringrays, Albacoras, and Sea-adders, among fish; of Noddies
+and Boobies and Pitternells and Sheerwaters among birds? And Calialou
+Soup, and Pepperpot to break your Fast withal in the morning, and make
+you feel, ere you get accustomed to that Fiery victual, like a
+Salamander for some hours afterwards!
+
+Now and then also, with some other young white folks with whom I had
+stricken up acquaintance,--clerks, storekeepers, and the like,--would we
+seek out the dusky beauties of the town in their own quarters, and shake
+a leg at their Dignity Routs, Blackamoor Drums, and Pumpkin-Faced
+Assemblies, or by what other name the poor Black wretches might choose
+to call their uproarious merrymakings. There, in some shed, all hustled
+together as a Moorfields Sweetener does luck in a bag, would be a mob of
+men and women Negroes, all dressed in their bravest finery, although
+little of it was to be seen either on their Backs or their Feet; the
+Head being the part of their Bodies which they chiefly delight to
+ornament. Such ribbons and owches, such gay-coloured rags and blazing
+tatters, would they assume, and to the Trips and Rounds played to them
+by some Varlet of a black fiddler, with his hat at a prodigious cock,
+and mounted on a Tub, like unto the sign of the Indian Bacchus at the
+Tobacconist's, would they dance and stamp and foot it merrily--with
+plenty of fruit, salt fish, pork, roasted plantain, and so forth, to
+regale themselves withal, not forgetting punch and sangaree--quite
+forgetful, poor mercurial wretches, for the time being of Fetters and
+the Scourge and the Driver that would hurry them to their dire labour
+the morrow morn. Surely there never did exist so volatile,
+light-spirited, feather-brained a race as these same Negro Blacks. They
+will whistle and crack nuts, ay and dance and sing to the music of the
+Fiddle or the Banjar an hour after the skin has been half flayed off
+their backs. They seem to bear no particular Malice to their Tormentors,
+so long as their weekly rations of plantain, yam, or salt fish, be not
+denied them, and that they have Osnaburgs enow to make them shirts and
+petticoats to cover themselves. Give them but these, and their dance at
+Christmas time, with a kind word thrown to them now and again, just as
+you would fling a marrow-bone to a dog, and they will get along well
+enough in slavery, almost grinning at its Horrors and making light of
+its unutterable Woes. I never saw so droll a people in my life. Nor is
+it the less astonishing thing about them that, beneath all this seeming
+lightheartedness and jollity, there often lies smouldering a Fire of the
+Fiercest passion and blackest revenge. The dark-skinned fellow who may
+be flapping the flies away from you in the morning, and bearing your
+kicks and cuffs as though they were so many cates and caresses, may, in
+the evening, make one in a circle of Heathen monsters joined together to
+listen to the Devilish Incantations of the Obeah man,--to mingle in
+ceremonies most hideous and abominable, and of which perhaps that of
+swearing eternal Hatred to the White Race over a calabash that is made
+out of the skull of a new-born Babe, and filled with Dirt, Rum, and
+Blood mixed together, is perchance the least horrid. And yet I don't
+think the unhappy creatures are by nature either treacherous, malicious,
+or cruel. 'Tis only when the fit seizes them. Like the Elephants, the
+idea suddenly comes over them that they are wronged--that 'tis the White
+Man who has wrought them all these evils, and that they are bound to
+Trample him to bleeding mud without more ado. But 'tis all done in a
+capricious cobweb-headed manner; and on the morrow they are as quiet and
+good-tempered as may be. Then, just as suddenly, will come over them a
+fit of despondency, or dark, dull, brooding Melancholy. If they are at
+sea, they will cast themselves into the waves and swim right toward the
+sharks, whose jaws are yawning to devour them. If they are on dry land,
+they will, for days together, refuse all food, or worse still, go
+dirt-eating, stuffing themselves with clay till they have the _mal
+d'estomac_, and so die: this _mal_, of which our English stomach-ache
+gives no valid translation (which must prove my excuse for placing here
+a foreign word), being, with the Yaws, their most frequent and fatal
+complaint. Of a less perplexing nature also are their fits of the Sulks,
+when, for more than a week at a time, they will remain wholly mute and
+intractably obstinate, folding their arms or squatting on their hams,
+and refusing either to move or speak, whatsoever threats may be uttered
+or enforced against them, and setting no more store by the deep
+furrowing cuts of the Cowhide whip (that will make marks in a deal
+board, if well laid on, the which I have often seen) than by the
+buzzings of a Shambles Fly. They had many ways of treating these fits of
+the sulks, in my time all of them cruel, and none of them successful.
+One was, to set the poor wretches in the stocks, or the bilboes, rubbing
+chillies into the eyes to keep them from going to sleep. Another was a
+dose of the Fire-cane, as it was called, which was just a long paddle,
+or slender oar, pierced with holes at the broadest part, with the which
+the patient being belaboured, a blister on the fish rose to each hole of
+the Paddle. A curious method, and one much followed; but the Negroes
+sulked all the more for it. There was a Dutch woman from Surinam, who
+had brought with her from that plantation of the Hollanders that highly
+Ingenious Mode of Torment known as the "Spanso Bocko."[C] The manner of
+it was this. You took your Negro and tied him wrists and ankles, so
+bending him into a neat curve. Then, if his spine did not crack the
+while, you thrust a stake between his legs, and having thus comfortably
+Trussed him, pullet fashion, you laid him on the ground one side
+upwards, and at your leisure scarified him from one cheek to one heel
+with any instrument of Torture that came handy. Then he (or she, it did
+not at all matter in the Dutchwoman's esteem), being one gore of welts
+and gashes, was thought to be Done enough on one side, and consequently
+required Doing t'other. So one that stood by to help just took hold of
+the stake and turned the Human Pullet over, and then he was so
+thoroughly basted as sometimes to be Done a little too much, often dying
+on the spot from that Rib wasting. Oh, it was rare sport! I wonder
+whereabouts in the nethermost Hell the cunning Dutchman is now who first
+devised this torment; also the Dutchwoman who practised it? I can fancy
+Signor Beelzebub and his Imps taking a keen delight in _their_
+application of the Spanso Bocko. The which I never knew it cure a Negro
+of the sulks. They would force back their tongues into their gullets
+while the torment was going on, determined not so much as to utter a
+moan, and, having a peculiar Art that way, brought by them from their
+own country, would often contrive to suffocate themselves and Expire.
+Their own country! That is what one of the miserable beings said when,
+being threatened with torment of a peculiar, outrageous nature, he flung
+himself into a cauldron of boiling sugar, and was scalded to death on
+the instant. Let me not omit to mention while I am on this chapter of
+Brutality--wreaked by Christian men upon poor Heathen savages, for many
+of them were not many weeks from Guinea and Old Calabar, where they had
+been worshiping Mumbo Jumbo, and making war upon one another in their
+own Pagan fashion--that I have known Planters even more refined in their
+cruelty. They would make their slaves drink salt water, and then set
+them out in the hot sun tied to the outside posts of the Piazza. The end
+of that was, that they went Raving Mad, gnawing their Tongues and poor
+blubberous Lips to pieces[D] before they died. Another genius, who was a
+proficient in his Humanities, and quite of a classic frame of mind in
+his cruelties, bethought himself of a mode of Torture much practised
+among the Ancient Persians, and so must needs smear the body of an
+unhappy Negro all over with molasses. Then, binding him fast to a stake
+in the open, the flies and mosquitoes got at him,--for he was kept there
+from one morning until the next,--and he presently gave up the Ghost.
+But nothing that I ever saw or heard of during the time of my living in
+the Western Indies, could equal the Romantic Torture, not so much
+invented as imported, by a Gentleman Merchant who had lived among the
+islands of the Grecian Archipelago, and whose jocose humour it was to
+imprison his women slaves in loose garments of leather, very tightly
+secured, however, at the wrists, neck, and ankles. In the same garments,
+before fastening round the limbs of the victim, one or more Infuriated
+cats were introduced; the which ferocious animals, playfully disporting
+themselves in their attempt to find a point of egress, would so up and
+tear, and mangle, and lacerate, with their Terrible claws, the flesh of
+the sufferers, that not all the Brine-washing or pepper-pod-rubbing in
+the world, afterwards humanely resorted to on their release from their
+leathern sepulchre, would save them from mortification. There was a
+completeness and gusto about this Performance that always made me think
+my Gentleman Merchant from the Greek Islands a very Great Mind. The mere
+vulgar imitations of his Process which, in times more Modern, I have
+heard of--such as taking an angry cat by the tail and drawing its claws
+all abroad down the back of a Negro strapped on to a plank, so making a
+map of all the rivers in Tartarus from his neck to his loins--are, in my
+holding, beneath contempt. There is positive Genius in that idea of
+shutting up the cats in a hide-bound prison, and so letting them work
+their own wills on the inner walls; and I hope my Gentleman Merchant has
+as warm a niche in Signor Beelzebub's Temple of Fame, as the Great Dutch
+Philosopher who first dreamt of the Spanso Bocko.
+
+Before I left the island of Jamaica, there befell me an adventure which
+I may briefly narrate. It being the sickly season and very few ships in
+port, Maum Buckey's business was somewhat at a stand-still, and with
+little difficulty I obtained from her a fortnight's holiday. I might
+have spent it with no small pleasure, and even profit, at one of her
+up-country plantations, or at the Estate of some other Planter; for I
+had friends and to spare among the white Overseers and Bookkeepers; and
+although the Gentry--that is to say, the Enriched Adventurers, who
+deemed themselves such--were of course too High and Mighty to associate
+with one of my Mean Station, I was at no loss for companions among those
+of my own degree. So bent upon a frolic, and being by this time a good
+Rider and a capital shot, I joined a band of wild young Slips like
+myself, to go up the country hunting the miserable Negroes that had
+Marooned, as it was called. These Maroons were runaway slaves who had
+bid a sudden good-by to bolts and shackles, whips and rods, and shown
+their Tyrants a clean pair of heels, finding their covert in the dense
+jungles that covered the mountain slopes, where they lived on the wild
+animals and birds they could shoot or snare, and sometimes making
+descents to the nearest plantations, thence to carry off cattle, ponies,
+or pigs, or whatever else they could lay their felonious hands upon.
+These were the Blacks again, you will say, with a vengeance, and at many
+Thousand Miles' distance from Charlwood Chase: but those poor varlets of
+Deerstealers in England never dreamt of taking Human Life, save when
+defending their own, in a fair stand-up Fight; whereas the Maroons had
+no such scruples, and spared neither age, nor sex, nor Degree--that had
+a white skin--in their bloodthirsty frenzy. The Savage Indians in the
+American plantations, who will swoop down on some peaceful English
+settlement, slaying, scalping, and Burning up men, women, and
+children,--with other Horrors and Outrages not to be described in decent
+terms,--are just on a par with these black Maroons. Now and again would
+be found among them some Household Runaways, or Field Hands born into
+slavery on the Plantations,--and these were most useful in acting as
+spies or scouts; but as a rule the Head Men and Boldest Villains among
+the Maroons were Savage Negroes, just fresh from Africa, on whom the
+bonds of servitude had sate but for a short time, and who in the jungle
+were as much at Home as though they were in their native wilds again. Of
+great stature, of prodigious strength, amazing Agility, and astounding
+natural cunning, these creatures were as ferocious as Wild Baboons that
+had lived among civilized mankind just long enough to learn the Art of
+firing off a Gun and wielding a cutlass, instead of brandishing a
+Tree-branch or heaving a Cocoa-nut. They were without Pity; they were
+without knowledge that theirs was a cut-throat, nay, a cannibal trade.
+The white man had made war on them, and torn them from their Homes,
+where they were happy enough in their Dirt and Grease, their War-paint,
+and their idolatrous worship of Obeah and Bungey. 'Twas these
+Men-monsters that we went to hunt. The Planters themselves were
+somewhat chary of dealing with them; for the cruelty which the Maroons
+inflicted on those who fell into their power were Awful alone to
+contemplate, much more so to Endure; but they were glad enough when any
+gang of young Desperadoes of the meaner white sort--which, speaking not
+for myself, I am inclined to believe the Meanest and most Despicable of
+any sort or condition of Humanity--would volunteer to go on a Maroon
+Hunt. We were to have a Handsome Recompense, whether our enterprise
+succeeded or failed; but were likewise stimulated to increased exertion
+by the covenanted promise of so many dollars--I forget how many now--for
+every head of a Maroon that we brought at our saddlebows to the place of
+Rendezvous. And so we started one summer morning, some twenty strong,
+all young, valiant, and not overscrupulous, armed, I need scarcely say,
+to the teeth, and mounted on the rough but fleet ponies of the country.
+
+A train of Negroes on whom we could Depend--that is, by the strict
+application of the law of Fear, not Kindness, and who stood in such
+Terror of us, and of our ever-ready Thongs, Halters, Pistols, and
+Cutlasses, as scarcely to dare call their souls their own--followed us
+with Sumpter mules well laden with provisions, kegs of drink, both of
+water and ardent, and additional ammunition. I was full of glee at the
+prospects of this Foray, vowed that it was a hundred times pleasanter
+than making out Maum Buckey's washing-books, and hearing her scold her
+laundry-wenches; and longed to prove to my companions that the Prowess I
+had shown at twelve--ay, and before that age, when I brained the
+Grenadier with the Demijohn--had not degenerated now that I was turned
+sixteen, and far away from my own country. So we rode and rode, who but
+we, and dined gaily under spreading trees, boasting of the brave deeds
+we would do when we had tracked the black Marooning vagabonds to their
+lair. At which those Negro servants upon whom we could depend grinned
+from ear to ear, and told us in their lingo that they "oped we would
+soon Dam black negar tief out, and burn his Fader like canebrake."
+"'Tis strange," I thought, "that these creatures have not more
+compassion for their fellows whom we are hunting." To be sure, they were
+mostly of the Household breed, between whom and the fresh-imported
+Negroes held to field-service there is little sympathy. It escaped me to
+tell you that we had with us yet more powerful and Trustworthy
+auxiliaries than either our arms, our Horses, or our servants; being
+none other than nine couples of ferocious Bloodhounds, of a breed now
+extinct in Jamaica, and to be found only at this present moment, I
+believe, in the island of Cuba. These animals, which were of a terrible
+Ferocity and exquisitely keen scent, were kept specially for the purpose
+of hunting Maroons,--such are the Engines which Tyrannical Slavery is
+compelled to have recourse to,--and were purposely deprived of food
+beyond that necessary for their bare sustenance, that they might more
+fully relish the Recompense that awaited them when they had hunted down
+their prey.
+
+Gaily we went on our Road rejoicing, now by mere bridle-paths, and now
+plunging our hardy little steeds right through the bristling underwood,
+when there burst upon us one of those terrible Tornadoes, or Tempests of
+wind and rain, so common in the Western Indies. The water came down in
+great solid sheets, drenching us to the skin in a moment; the sky was
+lit up for hundreds of miles round by huge blasts of lurid fire; the
+wind tore great branches off trees, and hurled them across the bows of
+our saddles, or battered our faces with their soaked leaves or sharp
+prickles. The very Dogs were blinded and baffled by this tremendous
+protest of nature; and in the very midst of the storm there broke from
+an ambuscade a band of Maroons, three times as strong as our own, who
+fell upon us like incarnate Demons as they were. Our hounds had found
+their scent long before,--just after dinner, indeed,--and we had been
+following it for some two hours;--even now it was Reeking close upon us,
+but we little deemed how Near. I suppose that those Negro Rascals, whom
+we had trusted so implicitly, and on whom we thought that we could
+Depend so thoroughly, had Betrayed us. This was the second time in my
+short Life that I fallen into an Ambuscade; and Lo! each time the
+"Blacks" had been mixed up with my misadventure.
+
+These naked Maroons cared nothing about the Storm, whose torrents ran
+off their well-oiled carcasses like water off a Duck's back. There was a
+very Devil of a fight. 'Twas every one for himself, and the Tempest for
+us all. The Runaways were well armed, and besides could use their teeth
+and nails to better advantage than many a doughty Fighting man can use
+his weapons, and clawed and tore at us like Wild Beasts. I doubt not we
+should have got the worst of it, but that we were Mounted,--and a Man on
+horseback is three times a Footman in a Hand-to-Hand encounter; and
+again, that our good friends the bloodhounds, that had been scared
+somewhat at the outset, recovered their self-possession, and proceeded
+each to pin his Maroon, and to rend him to pieces with great
+deliberation. In the end, that is to say, after about twenty-seven
+minutes' sharp tussling, Dogs, Horses, and Men were victorious; and, as
+we surveyed the scene of our Triumph, the storm had spent its fury. The
+black clouds cleared away as suddenly as they had darkled upon us; the
+Golden Sun came out, and the dreadful scene was lit up in Splendour.
+Above, indeed, it was all Beauty and Peace for Nature cannot be long
+Angry. The trees all seemed stemmed and sprayed with glistering jewels;
+the moisture that rose had the tints of an hundred Rainbows; the long
+grass flashed and waved; the many birds in the boughs began to sing
+Hymns of Thankfulness and Joy. But below, ah, me! what a Dreadful scene
+of blood and Carnage, and Demoniac revenge, there was shown! Of our band
+we had lost three Killed; five more were badly Wounded; and there was
+not one of us but had some Hurt of greater or lesser seriousness. We had
+killed a many of the Maroons; and the two or three that had escaped with
+Life, albeit most grievously gashed, were speedily put out of their
+misery. Had we been seeking for Runaway house-servants, we might have
+taken prisoners; but with a wild African Maroon this is not serviceable.
+The only thing that you can do with him, when you catch him, is to kill
+him.
+
+The Dead Bodies of our unfortunate companions were laid across the
+sumpter mule's back; but when we came to look for our train of
+dependable Negroes, we found that all save three had fled. These did so
+very strongly protest their Innocence, and plead their abiding by us as
+a proof thereof, that I felt half inclined to hold them blameless. There
+were those among us, however, who were of a far different opinion, and
+were for lighting a fire of branches and Roasting them into confession.
+But there was a Scotch gentleman among us by the name of MacSawby, who,
+being of a Practical turn (as most of his countrymen are, and, indeed,
+Edinborough in Scotland is about the most Practical town that ever I was
+in), pointed out that we were all very Tired, and needed Refreshment
+and Repose; that the task of Torturing Negroes gave much trouble and
+consumed more time ("Aiblins it's douce wark," quoth the Scotch
+gentleman); that all the wood about was sopped with wet (and a "Dry
+Roast's best," said the Scotch Gentleman); and finally, that the thing
+could be much better done at home, where we had proper Engines and
+Instruments for inflicting Exquisite Agony, and proper Slaves to
+administer the same. So that for the nonce, and for our own Convenience,
+we were Merciful, and promised to defer making necessary Inquisition, by
+means of Cowhide, Tamarind-bush, and Fire-cane, until our return to the
+Rendezvous.
+
+I should tell you that I got a Hurt in my hand from a kind of short
+Chopper or Tommyhawk that one of the Savages carried. 'Twas fortunately
+my left hand, and seeming but a mere scratch, I thought little or
+nothing about it. But at the end of the second day it began to swell and
+swell to a most alarming size and tumorous discoloration, the
+inflammation extending right up my arm, even to my shoulder. Then it
+was agreed on all sides that the blade of the Tommyhawk with which I had
+been stricken must have been anointed with some subtle and deadly
+Poison, of the which not only the Maroons but the common Household and
+Town Negroes have many, preparing them themselves, and obstinately
+refusing, whether by hope of Reward or fear of punishment, to reveal the
+secret of their components to the Whites. I had to rest at the nearest
+Plantation to our battle-field; and the Planter--who had been a captain
+in the Chevalier de St. George's service (the old one), that had come
+out here, after the troubles of 1715, a Banished man, but had since been
+pardoned, and had taken to Planting, and grown Rich--was kind enough to
+permit me to be taken into his house and laid in one of his own
+Guest-chambers, where I was not only tended by his own Domestics, but
+was sometimes favoured with the Attention and sympathy of his angelic
+Wife, a young woman of most charming countenance and lively manners,
+most cheerful, pious, and Humane, taking great care of her slaves,
+physicking them frequently, reading to them little books written by
+persons of the Nonconforming persuasion,--a kind of doctrine that I
+never could abide,--and never suffering them to be whipped upon a
+Sunday. However, I grew worse; whereupon one Mr. Sprague, that set up
+for surgeon, but was more like a Boatswain turned landsman than that, or
+than a Horse, came to me, and was for cutting off my arm, to prevent
+mortification. There were two obstacles in the way of this operation's
+performance; the first being that Mr. Sprague had no proper instruments
+by him beyond a fleam and a syringe, with which, and with however good a
+will, you can scarcely sever a Man's limb from his Body; and the next
+that Mr. Sprague was not sober. Love for a young widow had driven him to
+drinking, it was said; but I think that it was more the Love of Liquor
+to which his bibulous backslidings were owing. 'Twas lucky for me that
+he had nor saw nor tourniquet with him. It is true that he departed in
+quest of some Carpenter's Tools, which he declared would do the job
+quite as well; but, again to my good luck, the carpenter was as Rare a
+pottlepot as he; and they two took to boiling rum in a calabash and
+drinking of it, and smoking of Tobacco, and playing at Skimming Dish
+Hob, Spie the Market, Shove-halfpenny, Brag, Put, and Dilly Dally, and
+other games that reminded them of the old country, for days and nights
+together so that the old Negro woman that belonged to the carpenter,
+seeing them gambling and drinking in the morning just as she had left
+them drinking and gambling the overnight, stared with amazement like a
+Mouse in a Throwster's mill. And by the time they had finished their
+Rouse I was, through Heaven's kindness and the segacity of a Negro nurse
+named Cubjack, cured. This woman, it is probable knew the secret of the
+Poison from the bitter effects of which I was suffering. At all events,
+she took me in hand, and by warm fomentations and bathings, and some
+outward applications of herbs and anointed bandages, reduced the
+swelling and restored my hand to its proper Form and Hue. At the end of
+the week I was quite cured, and able to resume my journey back to
+Kingston. I did not fail to express my gratitude to the hospitable
+Planter and his Lady, and I gave the Nurse Cubjack half a dollar and a
+silver tobacco-stopper that had been presented to me by Maum Buckey.
+
+As a perverse destiny would have it, this Tobacco-stopper, this harmless
+trinket, was the very means of my losing my situation, and parting in
+anger from my Pumpkin-faced Patroness. Although I was, even at the
+present dating, but a raw lad, she took it into her head to be jealous
+of me, and all about this silver pipe-stopper. She vowed I had given it
+away to some Quadroon lass up country; she would not hearken to my
+protests of having bestowed it upon the nurse who had saved my life; and
+indeed when, at my instance, inquiries were made, Cubjack's replies did
+not in any way bear out my statement. The unhappy creature, who had
+probably sold my Tobacco-stopper for a few joes, or been deluded out of
+it by the Obeah Man, and was afraid of being flogged if discovery were
+made thereof, positively denied that I had given her anything beyond the
+half-dollar. You see that these Negroes have no more idea of the
+pernicious quality of the Sin of Lying, than has a white European
+shopkeeper deluding a Lady into buying of a lustring or a paduasoy; and
+see what similar vices there are engendered among savages and Christian
+folks by opposite causes.
+
+We had a fearful war of words together, Maum Buckey and myself. She was
+a bitter woman when vexed, and called me "beggar buckra," "poor white
+trash," "tam lily thief," and the like. Whereat I told her plainly that
+I had no liking for her lackered countenance, and that she was a
+mahogany-coloured, slave-driving, old curmudgeon, that in England would
+be shown about at the fairs for a penny a peep. At the which she
+screamed with rage, and threw at me a jug of sangaree. Heavy enough it
+was; but the old lady had not so good an Aim as I had when I brained
+the Grenadier with the demijohn.
+
+We had little converse after that. There were some wages due, and these
+she paid me, telling me that I might "go to de Debble," and that if she
+ever saw me again, she hoped it would be to see me hanged. I could have
+got Employment, I doubt not, in Jamaica, or in some other of the
+islands; but I was for the time sick of the Western Indies, and was
+resolved, come what might, to tempt my fortune in Europe. A desire to
+return to England first came over me; nor am I ashamed to confess that,
+mingled with my wish to see my own country once more, was a Hope that I
+might meet the Traitorous Villain Hopwood, and tell him to his teeth
+what a false Deceiver I took him to be. You see how bold a lad can be
+when he has turned the corner of sixteen; but it was always so with John
+Dangerous.
+
+Some difficulty, nay, considerable obstacles, I encountered in obtaining
+a ship to carry me to Europe. The vindictive yellow woman, with whom
+(through no fault of my own, I declare) I was in disfavour, did so
+pursue me with her Animosity as to prejudice one Sea Captain after
+another against me; and it was long ere any would consent to treat with
+me, even as a Passenger. To those of my own nation did she in particular
+speak against me with such virulence, that in sheer despite I abandoned
+for the time my intention of going to England, and determined upon
+making for some other part of Europe, where I might push my fortune. And
+there being in port early in the winter a Holland ship, named the
+_Gebrueder_, which was bound for Ostend, I struck a bargain with the
+skipper of her, a decent man, whose name was Van Ganderdrom, and
+prepared to leave the colony in which I had passed over four years of my
+Eventful Life. Some friends who took an interest in me,--the "bright
+English lad," as they called me,--and who thought I had been treated by
+Maum Buckey with some unnecessary degree of Harshness, made up a purse
+of money for me, by which I was enabled to pay my Passage Money in
+advance, and lay in a stock of Provisions for the voyage; for, save in
+the way of Schnapps, Cheeses, and Herrings, the Holland ships were at
+that time but indifferently well Found. When every thing was paid, I
+found that I had indeed but a very small Surplus remaining; but there
+was no other way, and I bade adieu to the island of Jamaica, as I
+thought, for ever.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[C] Vide Stedman's _Surinam_.
+
+[D] _Dean of Myddelton's_ Evidence, Clarkson's Committee.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE THIRD.
+
+          OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES.
+
+
+I LANDED, after a long and tedious voyage, at the town of Ostend, it
+being the Spring time of the year 1729, with Youth, Health, a strong
+Frame, and a comely Countenance (as they told me), indeed, but with just
+two Guineas in my pouch for all my Fortune. Many a Lord Mayor of London
+has begun the World, 'tis said, with a yet more slender Provision (I
+wonder what Harpy Hopwood had to begin with?) and Eighteenpence would
+seem to be the average of Capital Stock for an Adventurer that is to
+heap up Riches. Still I seemed to have made my Start in Life's Voyage a
+great many times, and to have been very near ending with it more than
+once--witness the Aylesbury Assizes. Thus I felt rather Despondency
+than Hope at being come almost to manhood, and but to a beggarly Estate
+of Two-and-forty shillings. "But," said I, "courage, Jack Dangerous;
+thou hast strong legs and a valorous Stomach; at least thou needst not
+starve (bar cutpurses) for two-and-forty days; thou hast a knowledge of
+the French tongue," (which I picked up from a Huguenot emigrant from
+Languedoc, who was a Barber at Kingston, and taught me for well-nigh
+nothing), "and art cunning of Fence. Be the world thine Oyster, as the
+Playactor has it, and e'en open it with a Spadapoint." In this not
+unwholesome frame of mind I came out of the ship _Gebrueder_, and set
+foot on the Port with something like a Defiance of Fortune's scurvy
+tricks fermenting within me.
+
+The Shipmaster recommended me to a very cleanly Tavern, by the sign of
+the Red Goose, kept in the Ganz-Straet by a widow-woman named Giessens.
+'Twas Goose here, Goose there, and Goose every where, so it seemed with
+this good Frau; for she served Schiedam at the sign of the Goose, and
+she lived in Goose Street. She had herself a long neck and a round body
+and flat feet, going waddling and hissing about the house, a-scolding of
+her maids, like any Michaelmas matron among the stubble; not to forget
+her children, of whom she had a flock, waddling and hissing in their
+little way too, and who were all as like goslings as Sherris is like
+Sack. Little would have lacked for her to give me hot roast goose to my
+dinner, and goose-pie for supper, and some unguent of goose-grease to
+anoint my Pate with, had it chanced to be broken; and truly if I had
+lived under the sign of the Goose for many days, I might have taken to
+waddling and hissing too in my own Generation, and have been in time as
+brave a goose as any of them. Here there was a civil enough company of
+Seafaring men, Mates, Pilots, Supercargoes, and the like, with some
+Holland traders, and, if I mistake not, a few Smugglers that had
+contraband dealings in Cambrics, Steenkirks, Strong waters, and Point of
+Bruxelles. These last worthies did I carefully avoid; for since my
+Boyish Mischances I had imbibed a wholesome fear of hurting the King's
+Revenue, or meddling in any way with his Prerogative. "Well out of it,
+Jack Dangerous," I said. "Touch not His Majesty's Deer, nor His
+Majesty's Customs, and there shall be no sense of a tickling in thy
+windpipe when thou passest a post that is like unto the sign of the
+Tyburn Tavern." 'Tis astonishing how gingerly a man will walk who has
+once been within an ace of dancing upon nothing.
+
+There is a mighty quantity of Sand and good store of Mud at Ostend, and
+a very comforting smell of fish; and so the High Dutch gentry, who, poor
+souls, know very little about the sea, and see no more salt water from
+Life's beginning unto its end than is contained within the compass of a
+pickling-tub, do use the place much for Bathing, and brag about their
+Dips and Flounderings, crying out, _Die Zee ist mein Lust_, in their
+plat Deutsch, as though they had all been born so many Porpoises. I
+would walk upon a morning much upon the Ramping-Parts, or Fortifications
+of the Town, watching whole caravans of Bathers, both of High and Low
+Dutch Gentry, coming to be dipped, borne into the Sea by sturdy Fellows
+that carried them like so many Sacks of Coals, and who would Discharge
+them into shallows with little more Ceremony than they would use in
+shooting such a cargo of Fuel into a cellar. "When my Money is gone,"
+thought I, "I may earn a crust by the like labour." But then I bethought
+me that I was a Stranger among them; that they might be Jealous of me;
+and, indeed, when I imparted my design to the Widow-woman Giessens, who
+was beholden to me, she said, for that I had warned her how poor a guest
+I was growing, she told me that much interest was needed to obtain one
+of these Bather's places--almost as much, forsooth, as is wanted to get
+the berth of a Tide-waiter in England,--and these rascals were always
+waiting for the tide. Something like a Patent had to be humbly sued for,
+and fat fees paid to Syndics and Burgomasters, for the fine Privilege of
+sousing the gentry in the Brine. The good woman offered me Credit till I
+should find employment, and did so vehemently press a couple of
+Guilders upon me to defray my present charges, that I had not the heart
+to refuse, although I took care to avise her that my prospects of being
+able to repay her were as far off as the Cape of Good Hope.
+
+It chanced one morning that I was walking out of the Town by the side of
+the Sea below the fortified parts to the Norrard. 'Twas fine and calm
+enough, and there was not so much Swell as to take a Puppy off his
+swimming legs; but suddenly I heard a great Outcry and Hubbub, and
+perceived, some ten feet from me in the Water the head of a Man
+convulsed with Terror, and who was crying out with all his might that he
+was Drowning, that he should never see his dear Mamma again, and that
+all his Estate would go to the Heir-at-Law, whom, as well as he could,
+for screeching and spluttering, he Cursed heartily in the English
+tongue. I wondered how he could be in such a Pother, seeing that he was
+so close to shore, and that moreover there were those nigh unto him who
+could have helped him if they had had a Mind to it. Close upon him was
+a Fat gentleman in a clergyman's cassock and a prodigious Fluster, who
+kept crying out, "Save him! Save him!" but budged not a foot to come to
+his assistance himself; and, but a dozen yards or so, was a Flemish
+Fellow, one of the Bathers, who, so far as I could make out from his
+shaking his head and crying out, "nicht" and "Geld,"--the rest of his
+lingo was Greek to me,--did refuse to save the Gentleman unless he had
+more Money given him. For these Bathing-men were a most Mercenary Pack.
+In a much shorter time than it has taken me to put this on Paper I had
+off coat and vest, kicked off my shoes, and struck into the water. 'Twas
+of the shallowest, and I had but to wade towards him who struggled. When
+I came anigh him, he must even catch hold of me, clinging like Grim
+Death or a Barnacle to the bottom of a Barge, very nearly dragging me
+down. But I was happily strong; and so, giving him with my disengaged
+arm a sound Cuff under the ear, the better to Preserve his Life, I
+seized him by the waist with the other, and so dragged him up high, if
+not dry, unto the Sandy Shore. And a pretty sight he looked there,
+dripping and Shivering, although the sun shone Brightly, and he well
+nigh Blue with Fright.
+
+What do you think the first words were that my Gentleman uttered so soon
+as he had got his tongue clear of Salt and Seaweed?
+
+"You villain!" he cries to me, "you have assaulted me. Take witness,
+Gentlemen, he hath stricken me under the Ear. I will have him in the
+King's Bench for Battery. Mr. Hodge, you saw it; and you leave me this
+day week for allowing your Patron to be within an inch of Drowning."
+
+I was always of a Hot Temper, and this cavalier treatment of me after my
+Services threw me into a Rage.
+
+"Why, you little half-boiled Shrimp," I bawled out, "I have a mind to
+clout your under t'other Ear, that Brothers may not complain of Favour,
+and e'en carry you to where I found you."
+
+The Gentleman in the cassock began to break out in excuses, saying that
+his Patron would reward me, and that he was glad that an Englishman had
+been by to rescue a Person of Quality from such great Peril, when that
+Flanders Oaf younger--the extortionate villain--would not stir a finger
+to help him unless he had half a guilder over and above his fee.
+
+"Let him dry and dress himself," I said, in Dudgeon; "and if he be not
+civil to a Countryman, who is as good as he, I will kick him back to his
+Inn, and you too."
+
+"A desperate youth!" murmured the Clergyman, as he handed his Patron a
+great bundle of towels; "and very meanly clad."
+
+I walked away a few paces while the gentleman dried and dressed himself.
+Had I obeyed the Promptings of Pride, I should have gone on my ways and
+left him to his likings; but I was exceedingly Poor, and thought it
+Foolish to throw away the chance of receiving what his Generosity might
+bestow upon me. The Bathing-Man, who had been already paid his Fee, had
+the impudence to come up and ask for more "Geld,"--for minding the
+gentleman's clothes, as I gathered from the speech of the clergyman, who
+understood Flemish. He was, however, indignantly refused, and, not
+relishing, perchance, the likelihood of a scuffle with three Englishmen,
+straightway decamped.
+
+By and by the Gentleman was dressed, and a very smart appearance he made
+in a blue shag frock laced with silver, a yellow waistcoat bound with
+black velvet, green paduasoy breeches, red stockings, gold buckles, an
+ivory hilt to his sword, and a white feather in his hat. I have no mind
+to write out Taylor's accompts, but I do declare this to be the exact
+Schedule of his Equipment. Under the hat, which had a kind of Sunday
+Marylabonne cock to it, there bulged forth a mighty White Periwig of
+fleecy curls, for all the world like the coat of a Bologna Poodle Dog,
+and in the middle of his Wig there peeped out a little hatchet face with
+lantern jaws, and blue gills, and a pair of great black eyebrows, under
+which glistened a pair of inflamed eyes. He was not above five feet
+three inches, and his fingers, very long and skinny, went to and fro
+under his Point ruffles like a Lobster's Feelers. The Chaplain, who
+waited upon him as a Maid would on a lardy-dardy woman of Fashion,
+handed my Gentleman a very tall stick with a golden knob at the end
+on't, and with this, and a laced handkerchief and a long cravat, which
+he had likely bought at Mechlin, and a Snuff-box in the lean little Paw
+that held not the cane, he looked for all the world like one of my
+Grandmother's Footmen who had run away and turned Dancing Master.
+
+"This, young man," said the Chaplain, making a low bow as he spoke to
+the comical Image before him, "is Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, of
+Hampstead. Make your reverence, sirrah!"
+
+"Make a reverence to a Rag-doll!" I answered, with a sneer. "He hath
+left his twin brother beyond sea. I know him, and he is a Barbary Ape."
+
+"The rogue is insolent," says B. Pinchin, Esq., clutching tighter at
+his tall cane, but turning very white the while. "I must batoon him into
+better manners."
+
+"WHAT!" I cried in a great voice, making a step towards him, for my
+blood was up. I would but have tweaked the little creature's Ears; but
+he, for a surety, thought I had a mind to Murder him. I do aver that he
+fell upon his knees, and with most piteous Accents and Protestations
+entreated me, for the sake of his Mamma, to spare his life, and he would
+give me all I asked.
+
+I was quite bewildered, and turning towards the Parson, asked if his
+master was Mad; to which he made answer with some Heat, that he was no
+Master of his, but his Honoured Friend and Gracious Patron; whereupon
+the little Spark must go up to him, whimpering and cuddling about him,
+and beseeching him to save him from the Tall Rogue, meaning me.
+
+"Body o' me, man," I exclaimed, scarcely able to keep from laughing, "I
+mean you no harm. I am a young Englishman, lately come from the
+Plantations, and seeking employment. I see you struggling yonder, and
+likely to give up the ghost, and I pull you out; and then you call me
+Rogue and charge me with striking of you. Was it cramp or cowardice that
+made you bawl so? Give me something to drink better manners to you, and
+I will leave you and this reverend gentleman alone."
+
+The Parson bowed his head with a pleased look when I called him Reverend
+and a Gentleman, and, in an under-tone, told his Patron that I was a
+civilly behaved youth, after all. But the Poltroon with the white wig
+was not out of his Pother yet. He had risen to his feet with a patch of
+sand on each knee, and as the Chaplain wiped it off with a kerchief, he
+blubbered out that I wanted to rob him.
+
+The Clergyman whispered in his ear--perhaps that I was a Dangerous
+looking Fellow, and might lose my temper anon to some tune: for my
+Whippersnapper approaches me, and, in a manner Civil enough, tells me
+that he is much obliged for what I had done for him. "And you will take
+this," says he. I will be shot if he did not give me an English groat.
+
+"You can readily get English coin changed in the town," he observed with
+a smirk, as in sheer bewilderment I gazed upon this paltry doit.
+
+I was desperately minded to Fling it at him, knock him and the Chaplain
+down, and leave the precious pair to pick themselves up again, but I
+forebore. "Well," I said, "if that's the value you put upon your life, I
+can't grumble at your Guerdon. I suppose that shrivelled little carcass
+of yours isn't worth more than fourpence. I'll e'en change it in town,
+and buy fourpennyworth of Dutch cheese, and you shall have the parings
+for nothing to send to your Mamma as a gift from foreign parts. Good
+morning to you, my noble Captain." And so saying I walked away in a Fume
+of Wrath and Contempt.
+
+I was idling, that same afternoon, along the Main street of Ostend very
+much in the Dumps, and thinking of going down to the Port to seek a
+cook's place from some Ship Master, for I was not yet Qualified to
+engage as an Able-bodied Mariner, when I met the Chaplain again, this
+time alone, and coming out of a pastryman's shop. I would have passed
+him, as holding both him and his master in Disdain, but he Arrested me,
+and beckoned me into an Entry, there to have some Speech.
+
+"My Patron is somewhat quick and hasty, and was uncommonly flustered by
+his mischance this morning," quoth the Rev. Mr. Hodge. "Nor perhaps did
+he use you as liberally as he should have done. Here is a golden guilder
+for you, honest man."
+
+I thanked him, and as I pouched it told him that I would have taken no
+Money at all for a service which every man is bound to render to his
+Fellow-creature, but that I was sorely pressed for Money. On this, he
+asked my name and belongings. The name I gave him, at the which he
+winced somewhat; but of my history I did not care to enlighten him
+further beyond broadly stating that I had come from the Plantations,
+where I had been used to keep Accompts, and that I was an Orphan, and
+had no friends in England, even if I possessed the means to return
+thither.
+
+"I think I can find you a place," the chaplain replied, when I had
+finished. "'Twill not be a very handsome one, but the work is little and
+light. Would it meet your purpose, now, to attend on a gentleman?"
+
+"It depends," I replied, "on what kind of a Gentleman he is."
+
+"A Gentleman of landed Estate," quoth the parson, quite pat. "An English
+gentleman, now travelling for his Diversion, but will, in good time,
+settle down in England, to live on his Acres in a Handsome manner, and
+be a justice of peace, and of the Quorum."
+
+"Do you mean your Squire of Hampstead, yonder?" I answered, pointing my
+thumb over my shoulder, as though in the direction where I had met his
+Reverence and his Patron that morning.
+
+"I do," responds Mr. Hodge.
+
+"Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, Esquire, eh?" I continued.
+
+"Exactly so."
+
+"Then," I went on, raising my voice, and giving a furious glance at my
+companion, "I'll see Bartholomew Pinchin boiled, and I'll see
+Bartholomew Pinchin baked, and his Esquireship to boot, before I'll be
+his servant. He, a mean, skulking, pinchbeck hound! Tell him I'm meat
+for his master, and that he has no service, body or lip, of mine."
+
+"Tut, tut, you foolish lad," said Mr. Hodge, not in the least offended.
+"What a wild young colt it is, and how impatient! For all your strapping
+figure, now, I doubt whether you are twenty years of age."
+
+I answered, with something like a Blush, that I was not yet seventeen.
+
+"There it is,--there it is," the Chaplain took me, chuckling. "As I
+thought. A mere boy. A very lad. Not come to years of discretion yet,
+and never will, if he goes on raging in this manner. Hearken to me,
+youngster. Don't be such a fool as to throw away a good chance."
+
+"I don't see where it is yet," I observed sulkily yet sheepishly; for
+there was a Good-natured air about the Chaplain that overcame me.
+
+"But I do," he rejoined. "The good chance you have is of getting a
+comfortable place, with a smart livery--"
+
+"I won't wear a livery," I cried, in a heat. "I'll be no man's lacquey;
+I'm a gentleman."
+
+"So was Adam," retorted Mr. Hodge, "and the very first of the breed; but
+he had to wear a livery of fig-leaves for all that, and so had his wife,
+Eve. Come, 'tis better to don a land-jerkin, and a hat with a ribbon to
+'t, and be a Gentleman's Gentleman, with regular Wages and Vails, and
+plenty of good Victuals every day, than to be starving and in rags about
+the streets of a Flemish town."
+
+"I'm not starving; I'm not in rags," I protested, with my Proud stomach.
+
+"But you will be the day after to-morrow. The two things always go
+together. Come, my young friend, I'll own that Bartholomew Pinchin,
+Esquire, is not generous."
+
+"Generous!" I exclaimed; "why, he's the meanest little hunks that ever
+lanced a paving stone to find blood for black puddings in it. Didn't he
+give me fourpence this morning for saving his life?"
+
+"And didn't you tell him that his life wasn't worth more than a groat?"
+asked the Chaplain, with a sly grin; "besides insulting him on the
+question of Dutch cheese (to which he has an exquisite aversion), into
+the bargain?"
+
+"That's true," I replied, vanquished by the Parson's logic.
+
+"There, then," his Reverence went on. "Bartholomew Pinchin Esquire's
+more easily managed than you think for. Do you prove a good servant, and
+it shall be my duty to make him show himself a good master to you. But I
+must have no further parley with you here, else these Papistical
+Ostenders will think that you are some Flemish lad (for indeed you have
+somewhat of a foreign air), and I a Lutheran Minister striving to
+convert you. Get you back to your Inn, good youth. Pay your score, if
+you have one, and if you have not, e'en spend your guilder in treating
+of your companions, and come to me at nine of the clock this evening at
+the Inn of the Three Archduchesses. Till then, fare you well."
+
+It must be owned that his Reverence's proposals were fair, and that his
+conversation was very civil. As I watched him trotting up the Main
+Street, his Cassock bulging out behind, I agreed with myself that
+perhaps the most prudent thing I could do just at present would be to
+put my gentility in my pocket till better times came round. There was a
+Spanish Don, I believe, once upon a time, who did very nearly the same
+thing with his sword.
+
+At the appointed time I duly found myself at the sign of the Three
+Archduchesses, which was the bravest Hostelry in all Ostend, and the one
+where all the Quality put up. I asked for Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire,
+in the best French that I could muster; whereupon the drawer, who was a
+Fleming, and, I think, spoke even worse French than I did, asked me if I
+meant the English Lord who had the grand suite of apartments looking on
+the courtyard. I was fit to die of laughing at first to hear the
+trumpery little Hampstead squire spoken of as a lord; but Prudence came
+to my aid again, and I answered that such was the personage I came to
+seek; and, after not much delay, I was ushered into the presence of Mr.
+Pinchin, whose Esquiredom--and proud enough he was of it--I may now as
+well Drop. I found him in a very handsome apartment, richly furnished,
+drinking Burgundy with his chaplain, and with a pack of cards alongside
+the bottles, and two great wax candles in sconces on either side. But,
+as he drank his Burgundy, he ceased not to scream and whimper at the
+expense he was being put to in having such a costly liquor at his table,
+and scolded Mr. Hodge very sorely because he had not ordered some thin
+Bordeaux, or light Rhine wine. "I'm drinking guineas," he moaned, as he
+gulped down his Goblets; "it'll be the ruin of me. A dozen of this is as
+bad as a Mortgage upon my Titmouse Farm. What'll my mamma say? I shall
+die in the poor-house." But all this time he kept on drinking; and it
+was not glass and glass about with him, I promise you, for he took at
+least three bumpers full to his Chaplain's one, and eyed that reverend
+personage grudgingly as he seized his opportunity, and brimmed up the
+generous Red Liquor in his tall-stemmed glass. Yet the Chaplain seemed
+in no way discountenanced by his scanty allowance, and I thought that,
+perchance, his Reverence liked not wine of Burgundy.
+
+They were playing a hand of piquet when I was introduced; and they being
+Gentlefolks, and I a poor humble Serving Man that was to be, I was
+bidden to wait, which I did very patiently in the embrasure of a window,
+admiring the great dark tapestried curtains as they loomed in indistinct
+gorgeousness among the shadows. The hand of piquet was over at last,
+and Mr. Pinchin found that he had lost three shillings and sixpence.
+
+"I can't pay it, I can't pay it," he said, making a most rueful
+countenance. "I'm eaten out of house and home, and sharped at cards
+besides. It's a shame for a Parson to play foul,--I say foul, Mr. Hodge.
+It's a disgrace to the cloth to bring your wicked card-cheating
+practices to devalise an English gentleman who is travelling for his
+diversion."
+
+"We'll play the game over again, if you choose, Worthy Sir," the
+Chaplain answers quite quietly.
+
+"Yes, and then you'll win seven shillings of me. You've sworn to bring
+me to beggary and ruin. I know you swore it when my mamma sent you
+abroad with me. Oh, why did I come to foreign parts with a wicked,
+guzzling, gambling, chambering Chaplain, that's in league with the very
+host and the drawers of this thieving inn against me--that burns me a
+guinea a night in wax candles, and has had a freehold farm out of me in
+Burgundy wine."
+
+"I've have had but two glasses the entire evening," the Chaplain
+pleaded, in a voice truly that was meek; but I thought that, even at the
+distance I stood from him, I could see the colour rising in his cheek.
+
+"Oh, you have, you have," went on Squire Bartholomew, who, if not half
+Mad, was certainly more than three parts Muzzy; "you've ruined me, Mr.
+Hodge, with your cards and your candles and your Burgundy, and Goodness
+only knows what else besides."
+
+The Chaplain could stand it no longer; and rose in a Rage.
+
+"I wish all the candles and the cards were down your throat," he cried;
+"nearly all the wine is there already. I wish they'd choke you. I wish
+they were all in the pit of your stomach, and turned to hot burning
+coals. What shall I do with you, you cadaverous little jackanapes? The
+Lout did well this morning--" (I was the Lout, by your leave) "to--to
+liken thee to one, for thou art more monkey than man. But for fear of
+staining my cassock, I'd--I'd--"
+
+He advanced towards him with a vengeful air, clenching his fist, as well
+as I could see, as he approached. Surely there never was such a comical
+character as this Bartholomew Pinchin. 'Tis the bare truth, that, as the
+enraged parson came at him, this Gentleman of broad acres drops down
+again on his marrowbones, just as I had seen him on the sands in the
+morning; and lifting up his little skinny hands towards the ceiling,
+begins yelling and bawling out louder than ever.
+
+"Spare my life! spare my life!" he cried, "Take my watch and trinkets.
+Take my Gold Medal of the Pearl of Brunswick Club. Take the diamond
+solitaire I wear in my great Steenkirk on Sundays. Go to my Bankers, and
+draw every penny I've got in the world. Turn me out a naked, naked
+Pauper; but oh, Mr. Hodge spare my life. I'm young. I've been a sinner.
+I want to give a hundred Pounds to Lady Wackerbarth's charity school. I
+want to do every body good. Take my gold, but spare my life. Oh, you
+tall young man in the corner there, come and help an English gentleman
+out of the hands of a murtherous Chaplain."
+
+"Why, you craven cur, you," puts in the Chaplain, bending over him with
+half-poised fist, yet with a kind of half-amusement in his features,
+"don't you know that the Tall young Man, as you call him, is the poor
+English lad who saved your worthless little carcass from drowning this
+morning, and whom you offered to recompense with a Scurvy Groat."
+
+"I'll give him forty pound, I will," blubbered Mr. Pinchin, still on his
+knees. "I'll give him fifty pound when my Midsummer rents come in, only
+let him rescue me from the jaws of the roaring lion. Oh, my Mamma! my
+mamma!"
+
+"Come forward, then, young man," cried the Chaplain, with a smile of
+disdain on his good-humoured countenance, "and help this worthy and
+courageous gentleman to his legs. Don't be afraid, Squire Barty. _He_
+won't murder you."
+
+I advanced in obedience to the summons, and putting a hand under either
+armpit of the Squire, helped him on to his feet. Then, at a nod of
+approval, I set him in the great arm-chair of Utrecht velvet. Then I
+pointed to the bottle on the table, and looked at Mr. Hodge, as though
+to ask whether he thought a glass of Burgundy would do the patient good.
+
+"No," said the Chaplain. "He's had enough Burgundy. He'd better have a
+flask of champagne to give him some spirits. Will you drink a flask of
+champagne, Squire?" he continued, addressing his patron in a strangely
+authoritative voice.
+
+"Yes," quoth the little man, whose periwig was all Awry, and who looked,
+on the whole, a most doleful figure,--"yes, if you please, Mr. Hodge."
+
+"Vastly pretty! And what am I to have? _I_ think I should like some
+Burgundy."
+
+"Any thing," murmured the discomfited Squire; "only spare my--"
+
+"Tush! your life's in no danger. _We'll_ take good care of it. And this
+most obliging English youth,--will your Honour offer him no refreshment?
+What is he to have?"
+
+"Can he drink beer?" asked the Squire, in a faint voice, and averting
+his head, as though the having to treat me was too much for him.
+
+"Can you drink beer?" echoed the Chaplain, looking at me, but shaking
+his head meanwhile, as if to warn me not to consent to partake of so
+cheap a beverage.
+
+"It's very cheap," added Mr. Pinchin, very plaintively. "It isn't a
+farthing a glass; and when you get used to it, it's better for the
+inwards than burnt brandy. Have a glass of beer, good youth. Kind Mr.
+Hodge, let them bring him a glass of Faro."
+
+"Hang your faro! I don't like it," I said, bluntly.
+
+"What will you have, then?" asked the Squire, with a gasp of agony, and
+his head still buried in the chair-cushion.
+
+It seemed that the Chaplain's lips, as he looked at me, were mutely
+forming the letters W I N E. So I put a bold front upon it, and said,
+
+"Why, I should like, master, to drink your health in a bumper of right
+Burgundy with this good Gentleman here."
+
+"He will have Burgundy," whimpered Mr. Pinchin, half to the
+chair-cushion, and half to his periwig. "He will have Burgundy. The
+ragged, tall young man will have Burgundy at eight livres ten sols the
+flask. Oh, let him have it, and let me die! for he and the Parson have
+sworn to my Mamma to murder me and have my blood, and leave me among
+Smugglers, and Papistry, and Landlords who have sworn to ruin me in
+waxen candles."
+
+There was something at once so ludicrous, and yet so Pathetic, in the
+little man's lamentations, that I scarcely knew whether to laugh or to
+cry. His feelings seemed so very acute, and he himself so perfectly
+sincere in his moanings and groanings, that it was almost Barbarity to
+jeer at him. The Chaplain, however, was, to all appearance, accustomed
+to these little Comedies; for, whispering to me that it was all Mr.
+Pinchin's manner, and that the young Gentleman meant no harm, he bade
+me bestir myself and hurry up the servants of the House to serve supper.
+So not only were the champagne and the Burgundy put on table,--and of
+the which there was put behind a screen a demiflask of the same true
+vintage for my own private drinking. ("And the Squire will be pleased,
+when he comes to Audit the score, to find that you have been content
+with Half a bottle. 'Twill seem like something saved out of the Fire,"
+whispers the Chaplain to me, as I helped to lay the cloth),--not only
+were Strong Waters and sweet Liquors and cordials provided, especially
+that renowned stomachic the Maraschyno, of which the Hollanders and
+Flemings are so outrageously fond, and which is made to such perfection
+in the Batavian settlements in Asia, but a substantial Repast likewise
+made its appearance, comprising Fowl, both wild and tame, and hot and
+cold, a mighty pasty of veal and eggs, baked in a Standing Crust, some
+curious fresh sallets, and one of potatoes and salted herrings flavoured
+with garlic--to me most villanously nasty, but much affected in these
+amphibious Low Countries. So, the little Squire being brought to with a
+copious draught of champagne,--and he was the most weazened little
+Bacchus I ever knew, moistening his ever-dry throttle from morn until
+night,--he and the chaplain sate down to supper, and remained feasting
+until long past midnight. So far as the Parson's part went, it might
+have been called a Carouse as well as a Feast, for his Reverence took
+his Liquor, and plenty of it, with a joviality of Countenance the which
+it would have done your Heart good to see, drinking "Church and King,"
+and then "King and Church," so that neither Institution should have
+cause to grumble, and then giving the Army, the Navy, the Courts of
+Quarter Sessions throughout England, Newmarket and the horses, not
+forgetting the Jockeys, the pious memory of Dr. Sacheverell, at which
+the Squire winced somewhat, for he was a bitter Whig, with many other
+elegant and appropriate sentiments. In fact, it was easy to see that his
+reverence had known the very best of company, and when at one of the
+clock he called for a Bowl of Punch, which he had taught the Woman of
+the House very well how to brew, I put him down as one who had sate with
+Lords,--ay and of the Council too, over their Potations. But the
+Behaviour of Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, was, from the beginning unto
+the end of the Regale, of a piece with his former extraordinary and
+Grotesque conduct. After the champagne, he essayed to sing a song to the
+tune of "Cold and Raw," but, failing therein, he began to cry. Then did
+he accuse me of having secreted the Liver Wing of a Capon, which, I
+declare, I had seen him devour not Five Minutes before. Then he had more
+Drink, and proposed successively as Toasts his Cousin Lady Betty
+Heeltap, daughter to my Lord Poddle; a certain Madame Van Foorst, whom I
+afterwards discovered to be the keeper of a dancing Ridotto on the Port
+at Antwerp; then the Jungfrau, or serving wench that waited upon us, who
+had for name Babette; and lastly his Mamma, whom, ten minutes
+afterwards, he began to load with Abuse, declaring that she wished to
+have her Barty shut up in a madhouse, in order that she might enjoy his
+Lands and Revenues. And then he fell to computing the cost of the
+supper, swearing that it would Ruin him, and making his old complaints
+about those eternal wax candles. Then, espying me out, he asks who I am,
+challenges me to fight with him for a Crown, vows that he will delate me
+to the English Resident at Brussels for a Jacobite spy, tells me that I
+am an Honest Fellow, and, next to Mr. Hodge, the best friend he ever had
+in the world, and falls down at last stupefied. Whereupon, with the
+assistance of the Flemish Drawer, I carried my new master up to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FOURTH.
+
+          I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE
+          OF THE POLITE WORLD.
+
+
+FOR I had decided that he was to be my Master. "I can bear with his
+strange ways," I said to myself. "John Dangerous has seen stranger,
+young as he is; and it will go hard if this droll creature does not
+furnish forth some sport, ay and some Profit too, before long." For now
+that I had put my Gentility in my pocket, I began to remember that Hay
+is a very pleasant and toothsome thing for Fodder, to say nothing of its
+having a most pleasant odour, and that the best time to make hay was
+while the sun did shine.
+
+After I had assisted in conveying the Little Man to bed, I came down
+again to the Saloon, finding there Mr. Hodge, who was comforting
+himself with a last bumper of punch before seeking bed.
+
+"Well, Youth," he accosts me, "have you thought better of your surly,
+huffing manner of this morning and this afternoon?"
+
+I told him that I had, and that I desired nothing better than to enter
+forthwith into the service of Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, of
+Hampstead.
+
+"That's well," said his Reverence, nodding at me over his punch. "You've
+had your supper behind yon screen, haven't you?"
+
+I answered, "Yes, and my Burgundy likewise."
+
+"That you mustn't expect every day," he continues, "but only on
+extraordinary occasions such as that of to-night. What the living is
+like, you have seen. The best of fish, flesh, and fowl, and plenty of
+it. As to your Clothes and your Wages, we will hold discourse of that in
+the morning; for 'twill take your Master half the morning to beat you
+down a penny a Month, and quarrel with the Tailor about the cheapest
+kind of serge for your Livery. Leave it to me, however, and I'll engage
+that you have no reason to complain either of one or the other. What did
+you say your name was, friend? As for Recommendations, you have none to
+Give, and I seek not any from you. I will be content to take your
+character from your Face and Speech."
+
+I began to stammer and bow and thank his Honour's Reverence for his good
+opinion.
+
+"Don't thank me before you're asked," answers Mr. Hodge, with a grin.
+"The academy of compliments is not held here. By your speech you have
+given every sign of being a very Saucy Fellow, and, to judge from your
+face, you have all the elements in you of a complete Scoundrel."
+
+I bowed, and was silent.
+
+"But your name," he pursued, "that has escaped me."
+
+I answered Respectfully that I had used to be called John Dangerous.
+
+"Tut, tut!" Mr. Hodge cried out hastily. "Fie upon the name! John is all
+very well; but Dangerous will never do. Why, our Patron would think
+directly he heard it that you were bent on cutting his throat, or
+running away with his valise."
+
+I submitted, again with much respect, that it was the only name I had.
+
+"Well, thou art a straightforward youth," said the Chaplain
+good-humouredly, "and I will not press thee to take up an alias. John
+will serve excellently well for the present; and, if more be wanted,
+thou shalt be John D. But understand that the name of Dangerous is to
+remain a secret between me and thee and the Post."
+
+"With all my heart," I cried, "so long as the Post be not a gallows."
+
+"Well said, John D.," murmured Mr. Hodge, upon whom by this time the
+punch had taken some little effect. "A good Lad, John. And now thou
+mayst help me up to bed."
+
+And so I did, for his Reverence had begun to stagger. Then a pallet was
+found for me high up in the Roof of the Inn of the Three Archduchesses.
+I forbore to grumble, for I had been used from my first going out into
+the world to Hard Lodging. And that night I slept very soundly, and
+dreamt that I was in the Great Four-post Bed at my Grandmother's in
+Hanover Square.
+
+Never had a Man, I suppose, in this Mortal World, ever so droll a master
+as this Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, Esquire. 'Tis Tame, and may
+be Offensive, for me to be so continually telling that he wrote himself
+down _Armiger_, after my Promise to forego for the future such
+recapitulation of his Title; but Mr. Pinchin was himself never tired of
+dubbing himself Esquire, and you could scarcely be five Minutes in his
+company without hearing of his Estate, and his Mamma, and his Right to
+bear Arms. I, who was by birth a Gentleman of Long Descent, could not
+forbear Smiling from time to time (in my Sleeve, be it understood, since
+I was a Servant at Wages to him) at his ridiculous Assumptions. And
+there are few things more Contemptible, I take it, than for a Man of
+really good Belongings, and whose Lineage is as old as Stonehenge
+(albeit, for Reasons best known to Himself, he permits his Pedigree to
+lie Perdu), to hear an Upstart of Yesterday Bragging and Swelling that
+he is come from this or from that, when we, who are of the true Good
+Stock, know very well, but that we are not so ill-mannered as to say so,
+that he is sprung from Nothing at all. I think that if the Heralds were
+to make their Journeys now, as of Yore, among the Country Churchyards,
+and hack out from the Headstones the sculptured cognizances of those
+having no manner of Right to them, the Stone-Masons about Hyde Park
+Corner would all make Fortunes from the orders that would be given to
+them for fresh Tombs. Not a mealy-mouthed Burgess now, whose
+great-grandfather sold stocking hose to my Lord Duke of Northumberland,
+but sets himself up for a Percy; not a supercilious Cit, whose Uncle
+married a cast-off waiting-woman from Arundel Castle, but vaunts himself
+on his alliance with the noble house of Howard; not a starveling
+Scrivener, whose ancestor, as the playwright has it, got his Skull
+cracked by John of Gaunt for crowding among the Marshalmen in the Tilt
+Yard, but must pertly Wink and Snigger, and say that the Dukedom of
+Lancaster would not be found extinct if the Right Heir chose to come
+Forward. Since that poor young Lord of the Lakes was attainted for his
+part in the Troubles of the 'Fifteen, and lost his head on Tower Hill
+(his vast Estates going to Greenwich Hospital), I am given to understand
+that every man in Cumberland or Westmoreland whose name happens to be
+Ratcliffe (I knew the late Mr. Charles Ratcliffe, that Suffered with a
+Red Feather in his Hat, very well), must give himself out to be titular
+Earl of Derwentwater, and Importune the Government to reverse the
+Attainder, and restore him the Lands of which the Greenwich
+Commissioners have gotten such a tight Hold; and as for Grandchildren of
+the by-blows of King Charles II., good lack! to hear them talk of the
+"Merry Monarch," and to see them draw up their Eyebrows into the Stuart
+Frown, one would think that every Player-Woman at the King's or the
+Duke's House had been as favoured in her time as Madam Eleanour Gwyn.
+
+Thus do I no more believe that Mr. Bartholomew Pinchin was cousin to
+Lady Betty Heeltap, or in any manner connected with the family of my
+Lord Poddle (and he was only one of the Revolution Peers, that got his
+coronet for Ratting at the right moment to King William III.), than that
+he was the Great Mogul's Grandmother. His gentlemanly extraction was
+with him all a Vain Pretence and silly outward show. It did no very
+great Harm, however. When the French adventurer Poirier asked King
+Augustus the Strong to make him a Count, what said his Majesty of Warsaw
+and Luneville? "That I cannot do," quoth he; "but there is nothing under
+the sun to prevent thee from calling thyself a Count, if the humour so
+please thee." And Count Poirier, by Self-Creation, he straightway
+became, and as Count Poirier was knouted to Death at Moscow for Forging
+of Rubles Assignats. Pinchin was palpably a Plebeian; but it suited him
+to be called and to call himself an Esquire; and who should gainsay
+him? At the Three Archduchesses at Ostend, indeed, they had an exceeding
+sensible Plan regarding Titles and Precedence for Strangers, which was
+found to answer admirably well. He who took the Grand Suite, looking
+upon the courtyard, was always held to be an English Lord. The tenant of
+the floor above him was duly esteemed by the Drawers and Chamberlains to
+be a Count of the Holy Roman Empire; a quiet gentleman, who would pay a
+Louis a day for his charges, but was content to dine at the Public
+Table, was put down as a Baron or a Chevalier; those who occupied the
+rooms running round the galleries were saluted Merchants, or if they
+chose it, Captains; but, in the gardens behind the Inn, there stood a
+separate Building, called a Pavilion, most sumptuously appointed, and
+the Great Room hung with the Story of Susannah and the Elders in Arras
+Tapestry; and he who would pay enough for this Pavilion might have been
+hailed as an Ambassador Plenipotentiary, as a Duke and Peer of France,
+or even as a Sovereign Prince travelling incognito, had he been so
+minded. For what will not Money do? Take our English Army, for instance,
+which is surely the Bravest and the Worst Managed in the whole World. My
+Lord buys a pair of colours for the Valet that has married his Leman,
+and forthwith Mr. Jackanapes struts forth an Ensign. But for his own Son
+and Heir my Lord will purchase a whole troop of Horse: and a Beardless
+Boy, that a month agone was Birched at Eton for flaws in his Grammar,
+will Vapour it about on the Mall with a Queue a la Rosbach, and a Long
+Sword trailing behind him as a full-blown Captain of Dragoons.
+
+I believe Pinchin's father to have been a Tailor. There is no harm in
+the Craft, honestly exercised; but since the world first Began nine
+Tailors have made a Man; and you cannot well see a knight of the shears
+without asking in your own mind where he has left his Eight brethren.
+Bartholomew Pinchin looked like a Tailor, talked like a Tailor, and
+thought like a Tailor. Let it not, however, be surmised that I have any
+mind to Malign the Useful Churls who make our Clothes. Many a time have
+I been beholden to the strong Faith and Generous Belief of a Tailor when
+I have stood in need of new Apparel, and have been under momentary
+Famine of Funds for the Payment thereof. Those who are so ready to sneer
+at a Snip, and to cast Cabbage in his teeth, would do well to remember
+that there are Seasons in Life when the Goose (or rather he that wields
+it) may save, not only the Capitol, but the Soldier who stands on Guard
+within. How doubly Agonising is Death when you are in doubt as to whence
+that Full Suit of Black needed on the Funeral Night will arrive! What a
+tremor comes over you when you remember that this Day Week you are to be
+Married, and that your Wedding Garment is by no means a certainty! What
+a dreadful Shipwreck to your Fortune menaces you when you are bidden to
+wait on a Great Man who has Places to give away, and you find that your
+Velvet Coat shows the Cord! 'Tis in these Emergencies that the brave
+Confidence of the Tailor is distilled over us like the Blessed Dew from
+Heaven; for Trust, when it is really needed, and opportunely comes, is
+Real Mercy and a Holy Thing.
+
+About my master's Wealth there was no doubt. Lord Poddle, although a
+questionable cousin of his, would have been glad to possess his spurious
+kinsman's acres. I should put down the young Esquire's income as at
+least Twenty Hundred Pounds a year. His Father had been, it cannot be
+questioned, a Warm Man; but I should like to know, if he was veritably,
+as his Son essayed to make out, a Gentleman, how he came to live in
+Honey-Lane Market, hard by Cheapside. Gentlemen don't live in Honey-Lane
+Market. 'Tis in Bloomsbury, or Soho, or Lincoln's Inn, or in the parish
+of St. George, Hanover Square, that the real Quality have their
+habitations. I shall be told next that Gentlefolks should have their
+mansions by the Bun-House at Pimlico, or in the Purlieus of Tyburn
+Turnpike. No; 'twas at the sign of the Sleeveboard, in Honey-Lane
+Market, that our Patrician Squire made his money. The estate at
+Hampstead was a very fair one, lying on the North side, Highgate way.
+Mr. Pinchin's Mamma, a Rare City Dame, had a Life Interest in the
+property, and, under the old Gentleman's will, had a Right to a Whole
+Sum of Ten Thousand Pounds if she married again. Thus it was that young
+Bartholomew was always in an agony of Terror to learn that his mamma had
+been seen walking on a Sunday afternoon in Gray's-Inn Gardens, or taking
+Powdered Beef and Ratafia at the tavern in Flask Walk, or drinking of
+Syllabubs at Bellasise; and by every post he expected to hear the
+dreadful intelligence that Madam Pinchin had been picked up as a City
+Fortune by some ruffling Student of the Inns of Court, some Irish
+Captain, or some smart Draper that, on the strength of a new Periwig and
+a lacquered hilt to his Sword, passes for a Macarony. 'Tis not very
+romantic to relate, but 'tis no less a fact, that the Son and the Mother
+hated one another. You who have gone through the World and watched it,
+know that these sad unnatural loathings between Parents and Children,
+after the latter are grown up, are by no means uncommon. To me it seems
+almost impossible that Estrangement and Dislike--nay, absolute
+Aversion--should ever engender between the Mother and the Daughter, that
+as a Babe hath hung on her Paps (or should have been so Nurtured, for
+too many of our Fashionable Fine Dames are given to the cruelly
+Pernicious Practice of sending their Infants to Nurse almost the very
+next Week after they are Born, thus Divorcing themselves from the Joys
+of Tender Affection, and drying up the very Source and Fontinel of
+Natural Endearments; from which I draw the cause of many of the harsh
+cold Humours and Uncivil Vapours that do reign between the Great and
+their children). You may cry Haro upon me for a Cynic or Doggish
+Philosopher; but I relate my Experiences, and the Things that have
+stricken my Mind and Sense. I do know Ladies of Quality that hate their
+Daughters, and would willingly Whip them, did they dare do so, Grown
+Women as they are, for Spite. I do know Fathers, Men of Parts and Rank,
+forsooth, jealous of their Sons, and that have kept the Youngsters in
+the Background, and even striven to Obscure their Minds that they might
+not cross the Paternal Orbit. And has it not almost passed into a
+proverb, that my Lord Duke's Natural and most Inveterate Enemy is my
+Lord Marquis, who is his Heir? But not to the World of Gold and Purple
+are these Jealousies and Evil Feelings confined. You shall find them to
+the full as Venomous in hovels, where pewter Platters are on the
+shelves, and where Fustian and Homespun are the only wear. Down in the
+West of England, where a worthy Friend of mine has an Estate, I know a
+Shepherd tending his flocks from sunrise--ay, and before the Sun gets
+up--until sundown. The honest man has but half-a-dozen shillings a week,
+and has begotten Fourteen Children. He is old now, and feeble, and is
+despised by his Progeny. He leads at Home the sorriest of Lives. They
+take his wages from him, and, were it not for a lump of fat Bacon which
+my friend's Servants give him now and again for Charity's sake, he would
+have nothing better to eat from Week's End to Week's End than the hunch
+of Bread and the morsel of Cheese that are doled forth to him every
+morning when he goes to his labour. Only the other day, his sixth
+daughter, a comely Piece enough, was Married. The poor old Shepherd begs
+a Holiday, granted to him easily enough, and goes home at Midday instead
+of Even, thinking to have some part in the Wedding Rejoicings, the which
+his last week's wages have gone some way to furnish forth. I promise you
+that 'tis a fine Family Feast that he comes across. What but ribs of
+Beef and Strong Ale--none of your Harvest Clink--and old Cyder and
+Plum-pudding galore! But his Family will have none of his company, and
+set the poor old Shepherd apart, giving him but an extra lump of Bread
+and Cheese to regale himself withal. 'Twas he who told the Story to my
+Friend, from whom I heard it. What, think you, was his simple complaint,
+his sole Protest against so much Cruelty and Injustice? He did not rush
+into the Feasting Room and curse these Ingrates; he did not trample on
+this Brood that he had nurtured, and that had turned out worse in their
+Unthankfulness than Vipers; no, he just sat apart, wringing of his
+Hands, and meekly wailing, "What, a weddin', and narrer a bit o'
+puddin'--narrer a bit, a bit o' puddin'!" The poor soul had set his head
+on a slice of dough with raisins in it, and even this crumb from their
+Table was denied him by his Cubs. 'Tis a brave thing, is it not,
+Neighbour, to be come to Threescore Years, and to have had Fruitful
+Loins, and to be Mocked and Misused by those thou hast begotten? How
+infinitely better do we deem ourselves than the Cat and Dog, and yet how
+often do we imitate those Dumb Beasts in our own degree! fondling them
+indeed when they are Kittens and Puppies, but fighting Tooth and Nail
+with them when they be full grown. But there is as much to be said on
+the one side as on the other; and for every poor old Lear wandering up
+and down, pursued by the spite of Goneril and Regan, shall you find a
+Cordelia whose heart is broken by her Sire's Cruelty.
+
+We did not long abide in Ostend. Presently my master grew tired of the
+Town, as he did of most Things, and longed for change. He had no better
+words for the Innkeepers, Merchants, and others who attended him, than
+to call them a parcel of Extortionate Thieves, and to vow that they were
+all in a conspiracy for robbing and bringing him to the Poor House. He
+often did us the honour to accuse us of being in the Plot; and many a
+time I felt inclined to resent his Impertinence, and to cudgel the
+abusive little man soundly; but I was wise, and held my Tongue and my
+Hand as well. Following the Chaplain's advice, and humouring this little
+Man-monkey in all his caprices, I found that he was not so bad a master
+after all, and that when he was Drunk, which was almost always, he could
+be generous enough. When he was sober and bewailed his excessive
+Expenditure, our policy was to be Mum, or else to Flatter him; and so no
+bones were broken, and I was well clad and fed, and always had a piece
+of gold in my pouch, and so began to Feel my Feet.
+
+We visited most of the towns in the Low Countries, then under the
+Austrian rule, enjoying ourselves with but little occasion for repining.
+Now our travelling was done on Horseback, and now, when there was a
+Canal Route, by one of those heavy, lumbering, jovial old boats called
+Treyckshuyts. I know not whether I spell the word correctly, for in the
+Languages, albeit fluent enough, I could never be accurate; but of the
+pleasant old vessels themselves I shall ever preserve a lively
+recollection. You made a bargain with the Master before starting, giving
+him so many guilders for a journey, say between Ghent and Bruges, the
+charge amounting generally to about a Guinea a day for each Gentleman
+passenger, and half the sum for a servant. And the Domestic's place on
+the fore-deck and in the fore-cabin was by no means an unpleasant one;
+for there he was sure to meet good store of comely Fraus, and Jungfraus
+comelier still, with their clean white caps, Linsey-woolsey petticoats,
+wooden shoes, and little gold crosses about their necks. Farmers and
+labouring men and pedlars, with now and then a fat, smirking Priest or
+two, who tried Hard to Convert you, if by any means he discovered you to
+be a Heretic, made up the complement of passengers forward; but I, as a
+servant, was often called aft, and had the pick of both companies, with
+but light duties, and faring always like a Fighting Cock. For no sooner
+was our Passage-Money paid than it became my Duty to lay in a Great
+Stock of Provisions for the voyage, my master disdaining to put up with
+the ordinary country Fare of dried fish, salted beef, pickled cabbage,
+hard-boiled eggs, faro-Beer, Schiedam, and so forth, and instructing me,
+under Mr. Hodge's direction, to purchase Game, Venison, Fruit,
+Vegetables, Preserves, Cheeses, and other condiments, with a sufficient
+number of flasks of choice wine, and a little keg of strong cordial, for
+fear of Accidents. And aboard the Treyckshuyt it was all Singing and
+Dancing and Carding and drinking of Toasts. The quantity of Tobacco that
+the country people took was alarming, and the fumes thereof at first
+highly displeasing to Mr. Pinchin; but I, from my sea education, and
+the Time I had passed in the Western Indies, was a seasoned vessel as to
+tobacco; and often when my Master had gone to his cabin for the night
+was permitted to partake of a Puff on deck with the Reverend Mr. Hodge,
+who dearly loved his Pipe of Virginia. The Chaplain always called me
+John D.; and indeed by this time I seemed to be fast losing the
+character as well as the name of Dangerous. My life was passed in the
+Plenitude of Fatness; and I may say almost that I was at Grass with
+Nebuchadnezzar, and had one Life with the beasts of the field; for my
+days were given up to earthly indulgences, and I was no better than a
+stalled ox. But the old perils and troubles of my career were only
+Dormant, and ere long I was to become Jack Dangerous again.
+
+A year passed away in this eating and drinking, dozy, lazy kind of life.
+I was past seventeen years of age, and it was the autumn of the year
+'29. We were resting for a time--not that Master, Chaplain, or Man ever
+did much to entitle them to repose--at the famous watering-place of Spa,
+close to the German Frontier. We put up at the Silver Stag, where we
+were entertained in very Handsome Style. Spa, or the Spaw, as it was
+sometimes called, was then one of the most Renowned Baths in Europe, and
+was attended by the very Grandest company. Here, when we arrived, was my
+Lord Duke of Tantivy, an English nobleman of the very Highest Figure,
+accompanied by my Lady Duchess, the Lord Marquis of Newmarket, his
+Grace's Son and Heir, who made Rare Work at the gaming tables, with
+which the place abounded; the Ladies Kitty and Bell Jockeymore, his
+daughters; and attended by a Numerous and sumptuous suite. Here also did
+I see the famous French Prince de Noisy-Gevres, then somewhat out of
+favour at the French Court, for writing of a Lampoon on one of his
+Eminence the Cardinal Minister's Lady Favourites; the Great Muscovite
+Boyard Stchigakoff, who had been here ever since the Czar Peter his
+master had honoured the Spaw with his presence; and any number of
+Foreign Notabilities, of the most Illustrious Rank, and of either sex.
+Money was the great Master of the Ceremonies, however, and he who had
+the Longest Purse was bidden to the Bravest Entertainments. The English
+of Quality, indeed (as is their custom, which makes 'em so Hated by
+Foreigners), kept themselves very much to themselves, and my Lord Duke
+of Tantivy's party, with the exception of the Marquis of Newmarket, who
+was good enough to Borrow a score of gold pieces from us, and to Rook us
+at cards now and then, took not the slightest notice of my poor little
+Master, who was dying to be introduced into Polite Society, and spread
+abroad those fictions of his cousinage to Lady Betty Heeltap and my Lord
+Poddle everywhere he went; but the French and German Magnificoes were
+less Haughty, and were glad to receive an English Traveller who, when
+his Vanity was concerned, would spend his cash without stint. We drank a
+great deal of the Water of the Spaw, and uncommonly nasty it was, making
+it a Thing of vital necessity to take the Taste of it out of our Mouths
+as soon as might be with Wine and Strong Waters.
+
+From the Spaw we went by easy Stages to Cologne, a dirty, foul-smelling
+place, but very Handsome in Buildings, and saw all that was to be seen,
+that is to say, the churches, which Abound Greatly. The Jesuits' Church
+is the neatest, and this was shown us in a very complaisant manner,
+although 'tis not the custom to allow Protestants to enter it. Our
+Cicerone was a bouncing young Jesuit, with a Face as Rosy as the sunny
+side of a Katherine Pear; but it shocked me to hear how he indulged in
+Drolleries and Raileries in the very edifice itself. He quizzed both the
+Magnificence and Tawdriness of the Altars, the Images of the Saints, the
+Rich Framing of the Relics, and all he came across, seeming no more
+impressed by their solemnity than the Verger Fellow in Westminster Abbey
+when he shows the Waxwork to a knot of Yokels at sixpence a head.
+"Surely," I thought, "there must be something wrong in a Faith whose
+Professors make so light of its ceremonies, and turn Buffoons in the
+very Temples;" nor could I help murmuring inwardly at that profusion of
+Pearls, Diamonds, and Rubies bestowed on the adornment of a parcel of
+old Bones, decayed Teeth, and dirty Rags. A Fine English Lady, all paint
+and Furbelows, who was in the church with us, honestly owned that she
+coveted St. Ursula's great Pearl Necklace, and, says she, "'Tis no sin,
+and not coveting one's neighbour's goods, for neither St. Ursula nor the
+Jesuits are any Neighbours of mine;" and as for my Master, he stared at
+a Great St. Christopher, mighty fine in Silver, and said that it would
+have looked very well as an Ornament for a Cistern in his garden at
+Hampstead.
+
+From Cologne to Nuremberg was five days, travelling post from Frankfort;
+and here we observed the difference between the Free Towns of Germany
+and those under the government of petty Absolute Princes. The streets of
+Nuremberg are well built, and full of People; the shops are loaded with
+Merchandise, and commonly Clean and Cheerful. In Cologne and Wurtsburg
+there was but a sort of shabby finery: a number of dirty People of
+Quality sauntered out: narrow nasty streets out of repair; and above
+half of the common Sort asking Alms. Mr. Hodge, who would have his jest,
+compared a Free Town to a handsome, clean Dutch Burgher's wife, and a
+Petty Prince's capital to a poor Town Lady of Pleasure, painted and
+ribboned out in her Head-dress, with tarnished Silver-lace shoes, and a
+ragged Under Petticoat--a miserable mixture of Vice and Poverty.
+
+Here at Nuremberg they had Sumptuary Laws, each man and woman being
+compelled to dress according to his Degree, and the Better sort only
+being licensed to wear Rich suits of clothes. And, to my thinking
+(though the Putting it in Practice might prove somewhat inconvenient),
+we should be much better off in England if some such laws were made for
+the moderation and restraining of Excess and Extravagance in Apparel. As
+folks dress nowadays, it is impossible to tell Base Raff from the
+Highest Quality. What with the cheapness of Manufactured goods, and the
+pernicious introduction of imitation Gold and Silver-lace, you shall
+find Drapers' apprentices, Tavern drawers, and Cook wenches, making as
+brave a Figure on Sundays as their masters and mistresses; and many a
+young Spark has been brought to the Gallows, and many a poor Lass to
+Bridewell or the 'Spital, through an over Fondness for cheap Finery, and
+a crazy conceit for dressing like their betters.
+
+Nuremberg hath its store of Churches and Relics, and the like; and even
+the Lutherans, who are usually thought to be so strict and severe in the
+adornment of their Temples, have in one of 'em a large Cross fairly set
+with jewels. But this is nothing to the Popish High Church, where they
+have at least a score of Saints, all dressed out in laced clothes, and
+fair Full-bottomed Wigs, plentifully powdered. Here did we come across a
+Prince Bishop of one of the Electoral German Towns, travelling with a
+Mighty Retinue of Canons and Priests, and Assessors and Secretaries, and
+a long train of Mules most richly caparisoned, with a guard of a hundred
+Musketeers, with violet liveries and Mitres broidered on their
+cartouch-boxes, to keep the Prince Bishop from coming to harm. My Master
+dined with this Reverend Personage, although Mr. Hodge, to maintain the
+purity of his cloth, kept aloof from any such Papistical entertainment;
+but I was of the party, it being my duty to wait behind the Squire's
+chair. We dined at two of the clock on very rich meats, high spiced, as
+I have usually found Princes and Bishops to like their victuals (for the
+Plainer sort soon Pall on their Palates), and after dinner there was a
+Carousal, which lasted well nigh till bed-time. His Episcopal Highness's
+Master of the Horse (though the title of Master of the Mules, on which
+beasts the company mostly rode, would have better served him) got
+somewhat too Merry on Rhenish about Dusk, and was carried out to the
+stable, where the Palefreneers littered him down with straw, as though
+he had been a Horse or a Mule himself; and then a little fat Canon, who
+was the Buffoon or Jack Pudding of the party, sang songs over his drink
+which were not in the least like unto Hymns or Canticles, but rather of
+a most Mundane, not to say Loose, order of Chant. His Highness (who wore
+the Biggest Emerald ring on his right Forefinger, over his glove, that
+ever I saw) took a great fancy to my Master, and at Parting pledged him
+in choice Rhenish in the handsomest fashion, using for that purpose a
+Silver Bell holding at least a Pint and a half English. Out of this Bell
+he takes the clapper, and holding it mouth upwards, drains it to the
+health of my Master, then fixes the clapper in again, Topsy-turvies his
+goblet, and rings a peal on the bell to show that he is a right Skinker.
+My Master does the same, as in Duty Bound, and mighty Flustered he got
+before the ringing-time came; and then the little Fat Canon that sang
+the songs essayed to do the same, but was in such a Quandary of Liquor,
+that he spills a pint over Mr. Secretary's lace bands, and the two would
+have fallen to Fisticuffs but for his Episcopal Highness (who laughed
+till his Sides Shook again) commanding that they should be separated by
+the Lacqueys. This was the most jovial Bishop that I did meet with; and
+I have heard that he was a good kind of man enough to the Poor, and not
+a harsh Sovereign to his subjects, especially to the Female Part who
+were fortunate enough to be pretty; but young as I was, and given to
+Pleasures, I could not help lifting up my Hands in shocked Amazement to
+see this Roystering kind of life held by a Christian Prelate. And it is
+certain that many of the High Dutch Church Dignitaries were at this time
+addicted to a most riotous mode of living. 'Twas thought no scandal in a
+Bishop to Drink, or to Dice, or to gallivant after Damosels: but woe be
+to him if he Dared to Dance, for the Shaking of a Leg (that had a
+cassock over it) was held to be a most Heinous and Unpardonable Sin.
+
+Next to Ratisbon, where Mr. Pinchin was Laid up with a Fever brought on
+by High Living, and for more than Five Weeks remained between Life and
+Death, causing both to Mr. Hodge and myself the Greatest Anxiety; for,
+with all his Faults and absurd Humours, there was something about the
+Little Man that made us Bear with him. And to be in his Service, for all
+his capricious and passing Meannesses, was to be in very Good Quarters
+indeed. He was dreadfully frightened at the prospect of Slipping his
+Cable in a Foreign Land, and was accustomed, during the Delirium that
+accompanied the Fever, to call most piteously on his Mamma, sometimes
+fancying himself at Hampstead, and sometimes battling with the Waves in
+the Agonies of the cramp, as I first came across him at Ostend. When he
+grew better, to our Infinite Relief, the old fit of Economy came upon
+him, and he must needs make up his mind to Diet himself upon Panada and
+Mint Tea, taking no other nourishment, until his Doctor tells him that
+if he did not fall to with a Roast chicken and a flask of White Wine, he
+would sink and Die from pure Exhaustion. After this he began to Pick up
+a bit, and to Relish his Victuals; but it was woful to see the
+countenance he pulled when the Doctor's Bill was brought him, and he
+found that he had something like Eighty Pounds sterling to pay for a
+Sickness of Forty Days. Of course he swore that he had not had a tithe
+of the Draughts and Mixtures that were set down to him,--and he had not
+indeed consumed them bodily, for the poor little Wretch would have
+assuredly Died had he swallowed a Twentieth Part of the Vile Messes that
+the Pill-blistering Gentleman sent in; but Draughts and Mixtures had all
+duly arrived, and we in our Discretion had uncorked them, and thrown the
+major part of their contents out of window. We were in league forsooth
+(so he said) with the Doctor to Eat and Ruin him, and 'twas not till the
+latter had threatened to appeal to the Burgomaster, and to have us all
+clapped up in the Town Gaol for roving adventurers (for they manage
+things with a High Hand at Ratisbon), that the convalescent would
+consent to Discharge the Pill-blisterer's demands; and, granting even
+that all this Muckwash had been supplied, the Doctor must have been
+after all an Extortioner, and have made a Smart Profit out of that said
+Fever; for he presses a compliment of a silver snuff-box on the
+Chaplain, giving me also privately a couple of Golden Ducats; nor have I
+any doubt that the Innkeeper had also his commission to receive for
+recommending a Doctor to the sick Englishman, and was duly satisfied by
+Meinheer Bolus.
+
+There was the Innkeeper's bill itself to be unpouched, and a mighty
+Pother there was over each item, Mr. Pinchin seeming to think that
+because he had been sick it was our Duty to have laid abed too,
+swallowing nought but Draughts and Slops. Truth was, that we should not
+have been Equal to the task of Nursing and Tending so difficult a
+Patient had we not taken Fortifying and Substantial Nourishment and a
+sufficiency of Wholesome Liquor; not making merry it is true, with
+indecent revelry, but Bearing up with a Grave and Reverent countenance,
+and taking our Four Meals a day, with Refreshing Soups between whiles.
+And I have always found that the vicinage of a Sick Room is apt to make
+one exceeding Hungry and Thirsty, and that a Moribund, albeit he can
+take neither Bite nor Sup himself, is, in his surroundings, the cook's
+best Friend, and the Vintner's most bountiful Patron.
+
+Coming to his health again, Mr. Pinchin falls nevertheless into a state
+of Dark Melancholy and Despondency, talking now of returning to England
+and ending his days there, and now entertaining an even Stranger Fancy
+that had come over his capricious mind. We had nursed him during his
+sickness according to the best of our Capacity, but felt nevertheless
+the want of some Woman's hand to help us. Now all the Maids in the House
+were mortally afraid of the Fever, and would not so much as enter the
+Sick Man's apartment, much less make his bed; while, if we had not taken
+it at our own Risk to promise the Innkeeper Double Fees for lodging, the
+cowardly knave would have turned us out, Neck and Crop, and we should
+have been forced to convey our poor Sufferer to a common Hospital. But
+there was in this City of Ratisbon a convent of Pious Ladies who
+devoted themselves wholly (and without Fee or Reward for the most part)
+to works of Mercy and Charity; and Mr. Hodge happening to mention my
+Master's State to the English Banker--one Mr. Sturt, who was a Romanist,
+but a very civil kind of man--he sends to the convent, and there comes
+down forthwith to our Inn a dear Good Nun that turned out to be the most
+zealous and patient Nurse that I have ever met with in my Travels. She
+sat up night and day with the Patient, and could scarcely be persuaded
+to take ever so little needful Rest and Refreshment. When she was not
+ministering to the sufferer's wants, she was Praying, although it did
+scandalise Mr. Hodge a little to see her tell her Beads; and when Mr.
+Pinchin was well enough to eat his first slice of chicken, and sip his
+first beaker of white wine, she Clapped her Hands for joy, and sang a
+little Latin Hymn. When it came to her dismissal, this Excellent Nun
+(the whole of whose Behaviour was most touchingly Edifying) at first
+stoutly refused to accept of any Recompense for her services (which,
+truly, no Gold, Silver, or Jewels could have fitly rewarded); and I am
+ashamed to say that my Master, who had then his Parsimonious Nightcap
+on, was at first inclined to take the Good Sister at her Word. Mr.
+Hodge, however, showed him the Gross Ingratitude and Indecorum of such a
+proceeding, and, as was usual with him, he gave way, bellowing, however,
+like a Calf when the Chaplain told him that he could not in Decency do
+less than present a sum of Fifty Ducats (making about Forty Pounds of
+our Money) to the convent; for personal or private Guerdon the Nun
+positively refused to take. So the Money was given, to the great
+delectation of the Sisterhood, who, I believe, made up their minds to
+Sing Masses for the bountiful English Lord as they called him, whether
+he desired it or not.
+
+Sorry am I to have to relate that so Pleasant and Moving an Incident
+should have had anything like a Dark side. But 'tis always thus in the
+World, and there is no Rose without a Thorn. My master, thanks to his
+Chaplain, and, it may be, likewise to my own Humble and Respectful
+Representations while I was a-dressing of him in the Morning, had come
+out of this convent and sick-nurse affair with Infinite credit to
+himself and to the English nation in general. Everywhere in Ratisbon was
+his Liberality applauded; but, alas! the publicity that was given to his
+Donation speedily brought upon us a Plague and Swarm of Ravenous Locusts
+and Bloodsuckers. There were as many convents in Ratisbon as plums in a
+Christmas porridge; there were Nuns of all kinds of orders, many of
+whom, I am afraid, no better than they should be; there were Black Monks
+and Gray Monks and Brown Monks and White Monks, Monks of all the colours
+of the Rainbow, for aught I can tell. There were Canons and Chapters and
+Priories and Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods and Ecclesiastical Hospitals
+and Priors' Almonries and Saints' Guilds without end. Never did I see a
+larger fry of holy men and women, professing to live only for the next
+world, but making the very best of this one while they were in it. A
+greasy, lazy, worthless Rabble-Rout they were, making their Religion a
+mere Pretext for Mendicancy and the worst of crimes. For the most part
+they were as Ignorant as Irish Hedge Schoolmasters; but there were those
+among them of the Jesuit, Capuchin, and Benedictine orders; men very
+subtle and dangerous, well acquainted with the Languages, and able to
+twist you round their Little Fingers with False Rhetoric and Lying
+Persuasions. These Snakes in the grass got about my poor weak-minded
+Master, although we, as True Protestants and Faithful Servants, did our
+utmost to keep them out; but if you closed the Door against 'em, they
+would come in at the Keyhole, and if you made the Window fast, they
+would slip down the Chimney; and, with their Pernicious Doctrines,
+Begging Petitions, and Fraudulent Representations, did so Badger, Bait,
+Beleaguer, and Bully him, that the poor Man knew not which Way to Turn.
+They too did much differ in their Theology, and each order of Friars
+seemed to hold the strong opinion that all who wore cowls cut in another
+shape than theirs, or shaved their pates differently, must Infallibly
+Burn; but they were of one Mind in tugging at Mr. Pinchin's
+Purse-strings, and their cry was ever that of the Horse-Leech's Three
+Daughters--"Give, give!"
+
+Thus they did extract from him Forty Crowns in gold for Redeeming out of
+Slavery among the Sallee Rovers ten Citizens of Ratisbon fallen into
+that doleful captivity; although I do on my conscience believe that
+there were not five native-born men in the whole city who had ever seen
+the Salt Sea, much less a Sallee Rover. Next was a donation for a
+petticoat for this Saint, and a wig for that one; a score of Ducats for
+a School, another for an Hospital for Lepers; until it was Ducats here
+and Ducats there all day long. Nor was this the worst; for my Master
+began to be Troubled in the Spirit, and to cry out against the Vanities
+of the World, and to sigh after the Blessedness of a Life passed in
+Seclusion and Contemplation.
+
+"I'll turn Monk, I will," he cried out one day; "my Lord Duke of Wharton
+did it, and why should not I?"
+
+"Monk, and a Murrain to them and Mercy to us all!" says Mr. Hodge, quite
+aghast. "What new Bee will you put under your Bonnet next, sir?"
+
+"You're a Heretic," answered Mr. Pinchin. "An Anglican Heretic, and so
+is my knave John here. There's nothing like the old Faith. There's
+nothing like Relics. Didn't I see a prodigious claw set in gold only
+yesterday in the Barnabite Church, and wasn't that the true and
+undoubted relic of a Griffin?"
+
+"Was the Griffin a Saint?" asks the Chaplain humbly.
+
+"What's that to you?" retorts my Master. "You're a Heretic, you're a
+Scoffer, an Infidel! I tell you that I mean to become a Monk."
+
+"What, and wear peas in your shoes! nay, go without shoes at all, and
+leave off cutting your toe-nails?" quoth the Chaplain, much irate.
+"Forsake washing and the Thirty-nine Articles! Shave your head and
+forswear the Act of Settlement! Wear a rope girdle and a rosary instead
+of a handsome sword with a silver hilt at your side! Go about begging
+and bawling of paternosters! Was it for this that I, a Clergyman of the
+Church of England, came abroad with you to keep you in the True Faith
+and a Proper respect for the Protestant Succession?" Mr. Hodge had quite
+forgotten the value of his Patron's favour, and was growing really
+angry. In those days men would really make sacrifices for conscience'
+sake.
+
+"Hang the Protestant Succession, and you too!" screams Mr. Pinchin.
+
+"Jacobite, Papist, Warming Pan!" roars the Chaplain, "I will delate you
+to the English Envoy here, and you shall be laid by the heels as soon as
+ever you set foot in England. You shall swing for this, sir!"
+
+"Leave the Room!" yells Mr. Pinchin, starting up, but trembling in every
+limb, for he was hardly yet convalescent of his Fever.
+
+"I won't," answers the sturdy Chaplain. "You wretched rebellious little
+Ape, I arrest you in the King's name and Convocation's. I'll teach you
+to malign the Act of Settlement, I will!"
+
+Whenever Mr. Hodge assumed a certain threatening tone, and began to
+pluck at his cassock in a certain manner, Mr. Pinchin was sure to grow
+frightened. He was beginning to look scared, when I, who remembering my
+place as a servant had hitherto said nothing, ventured to interpose.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Pinchin!" I pleaded, "think of your Mamma in England. Why, it
+will break the good lady's heart if you go Romewards, Sir. Think of your
+Estate. Think of your tenants and the Commission of the Peace, and the
+duties of a Liveryman of the City of London."
+
+I knew that I had touched my Master in a tender part, and anon he began
+to whimper, and cry about his Mamma, who, he shrewdly enough remarked,
+might cause his Estate to be sequestrated under the Act against
+Alienation of Lands by Popish Recusants, and so rob the Monks of their
+prey. And then, being soothingly addressed by Mr. Hodge, he admitted
+that the Friars were for the greater part Beggars and Thieves; and
+before supper-time we obtained an easy permission from him to drive
+those Pestilent Gentry from the doors, and deny him on every occasion
+when they should be impudent enough to seek admission to his presence.
+
+We were no such high Favourites in Ratisbon after this; and I believe
+that the Jesuits denounced us to the Inquisition at Rome,--in case we
+should ever go that way,--that the Capuchins cursed us, and the
+Benedictines preached against us. The Town Authorities began also to
+look upon us with a cold eye of suspicion; and but for the sojourn of an
+English Envoy in Ratisbon (we had diplomatic agents then all over the
+Continent, and very little they did for their Money save Dance and
+Intrigue) the Burgomaster and his Councillors might have gotten up
+against us what the French do call _une querelle d'Allemand_, which may
+be a Quarrel about Any thing, and is a Fashion of Disagreeing peculiar
+to the Germans, who may take offence at the cock of your Hat or the cut
+of your Coat, and make either of them a State affair. Indeed, I believe
+that some Imprudent Expressions, made use of by my Master on seeing the
+Horrible Engines of Torture shown to the curious in the vaults of the
+castle, were very nearly being construed into High Treason by the
+unfriendly clerical party, and that an Information by the Stadt-Assessor
+was being actually drawn up against him, when, by much Persuasion
+coupled with some degree of gentle Violence, we got him away from
+Ratisbon altogether.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE FIFTH.
+
+          OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY
+          OF PARIS.
+
+
+FROM Ratisbon we travelled down the River Danube, in a very pleasant and
+agreeable manner, in a kind of Wooden House mounted on a flat-bottomed
+Barge, and not unlike a Noah's Ark. 'Twas most convenient, and even
+handsomely laid out, with Parlours, and with Drawing-Rooms, and Kitchens
+and Stoves, and a broad planked Promenade over all railed in, and with
+Flowering Plants in pots by the sides, quite like a garden. They are
+rowed by twelve men each, and move with an almost Incredible Celerity,
+so that in the same day one can Delight one's Eye with a vast Variety of
+Prospects; and within a short space of time the Traveller has the
+diversion of seeing a populous City adorned with magnificent Palaces,
+and the most Romantic Solitudes, which appear quite Apart from the
+commerce of Mankind, the banks of the Danube being exquisitely disposed
+into Forests, Mountains, Vineyards rising in Terraces one above the
+other, Fields of Corn and Rye, great Towns, and Ruins of Ancient
+Castles. Now for the first time did I see the Cities of Passau and of
+Lintz, famous for the retreat of the Imperial Court when Vienna was
+besieged by the Great Turk, the same that John Sobieski, King of Poland,
+timeously Defeated and put to Rout, to the great shame of the Osmanlis,
+and the Everlasting Glory of the Christian arms.
+
+And now for Vienna. This is the capital of the German Emperor Kaiser, or
+Caesar as he calls himself, and a mighty mob of under-Caesars or Archdukes
+he has about him. In my young days the Holy Roman Empire was a
+Flourishing concern, and made a great noise in the world; but now people
+do begin to speak somewhat scornfully of it, and to hold it in no very
+great Account, principally, I am told, owing to the levelling Principles
+of the Emperor Joseph the Second, who, instead of keeping up the proper
+State of Despotic Rule, and filling his Subjects' minds with a due
+impression of the Dreadful Awe of Imperial Majesty, has taken to
+occupying himself with the affairs of Mean and common persons,--such as
+Paupers, Debtors, Criminals, Orphans, Mechanics, and the like,--quite
+turning his back on the Exalted Tradition of undisputed power, and
+saying sneeringly, that he only bore Crown and Sceptre because Royalty
+was his Trade. This they call a Reforming Sovereign; but I cannot see
+what good comes out of such wild Humours and Fancies. It is as though my
+Lord Duke were to ask his Running Footmen to sit down at table with him;
+beg the Coachman not to trouble himself about stable-work, but go wash
+the carriage-wheels and currycomb the Horses himself; bid my Lady
+Duchess and his Daughters dress themselves in Dimity Gowns and Mob caps,
+while Sukey Mobs and Dorothy Draggletail went off to the drawing-room
+in Satin sacks and High-heeled shoes; and, to cap his Absurdities,
+called up all his Tenants to tell them that henceforth they were to pay
+no Rent or Manor Dues at the Court Leet, but to have their Farms in
+freehold for ever. No; it is certain the World cannot go on without
+Authority, and that, too, of the Smartest. What would you think of a
+ship where the Master Mariner had no power over his crew, and no license
+to put 'em in the Bilboes, or have 'em up at the gangway to be Drubbed
+soundly when they deserved it? And these Reforming Sovereigns, as they
+call 'em, are only making, to my mind, Rods for their own Backs, and
+Halters for their own Necks. Where would the Crown and Majesty be now, I
+wonder, if His Blessed Majesty had given way to the Impudent Demands of
+Mr. Washington and the American Rebels?[E]
+
+The Streets of Vienna, when I first visited that capital, were very
+close and narrow--so narrow, indeed, that the fine fronts of the Palaces
+(which are very Grand) can scarcely be seen. Many of 'em deserve close
+observation, being truly Superb, all built of Fine White Stone, and
+excessive high, the town being much too little for the number of its
+inhabitants. But the Builders seem to have repaired that Misfortune by
+clapping one town on the top of another, most of the Houses being of
+Five and some of Six Stories. The Streets being so narrow, the rooms are
+all exceeding Dark, and never so humble a mansion but has half a dozen
+families living in it. In the Handsomest even all Ranks and Conditions
+are Mingled together pellmell. You shall find Field-Marshals,
+Lieutenants, Aulic Councillors, and Great Court Ladies divided but by a
+thin partition from the cabins of Tailors and Shoemakers; and few even
+of the Quality could afford a House to themselves, or had more than Two
+Floors in a House--one for their own use, and another for their
+Domestics. It was the Dead Season of the year when we came to this
+City, and so, at not so very enormous a rate, we got a suite of six or
+eight large rooms all inlaid, the Doors and Windows richly carved and
+gilt, and the Furniture such as is rarely seen but in the Palaces of
+Sovereign Princes in other countries; the Hangings in finest tapestry of
+Brussels, prodigious large looking-glasses in silver frames (in making
+which they are exceeding Expert); fine Japan Tables, Beds, Chairs,
+Canopies, and Curtains of the richest Genoa Damask or Velvet, almost
+covered with gold lace or embroidery. The whole made Gay by Pictures, or
+Great Jars of Porcelain; in almost every room large lustres of pure
+Crystal; and every thing as dirty as a Secondhand Clothes dealer's booth
+in Rag Fair.
+
+We were not much invited out at Vienna, the very Highest Quality only
+being admitted to their company by the Austrians, who are the very
+Haughtiest and most exclusive among the High Dutch, and look upon a mere
+untitled Englishman as Nobody (although he may be of Ten Times better
+blood than their most noble Raggednesses). A mean sort, for all their
+finely furnished palaces, and wearing mighty foul Body Linen. The first
+question they ask, when they Hear that a Stranger desires to be
+Presented to them, is, "Is he Born?" The query having nothing to do with
+the fact of his nativity, but meaning (so I have been told), "Has he
+five-and-thirty Quarterings in his Coat-of-Arms?" And if he has but
+four-and-thirty (though some of their greatest nobles have not above
+Four or Five Hundred Pounds a year to live on), the Stranger is held to
+be no more Born than if he were an embryo; and the Quality of Vienna
+takes no more notice of him than of the Babe which is unborn.
+
+Truly, it was the Dead Season, and we could not have gone to many
+Dinners and Assemblies, even if the Aristocracy had been minded to show
+hospitality towards us. There were Theatres and Operas, however, open,
+which much delighted my Master and myself (who was privileged to attend
+him), although the Reverend Mr. Hodge stayed away for conscience' sake
+from such Profane amusements, comforting himself at home over a merry
+Book and a Bottle of Erlauer, which is an Hungarian wine, very dark and
+Rough, but as strong as a Bullock, and an excellent Stomachic. Nothing
+more magnificent than the Operas then performed at the Gardens of the
+Favorite, throwing the Paris and London houses utterly into the shade,
+and I have heard that the Habits, Decorations, and Scene Paintings, cost
+the Emperor Thirty Thousand Pound Sterling. And to think of the millions
+of poor ragged wretches that must have been taxed, and starved, and
+beaten, and robbed, and skinned alive, so to speak, before His Majesty's
+pleasures would be paid for.[F] The Stage in this Favorite Garden was
+built over a large canal, and at the beginning of the Second Act divided
+(as in our own Theatre hard by Sadler's Wells) into Two Parts,
+discovering the water, on which there immediately came from different
+parts two little Fleets of gilded vessels, that gave the impression
+(though ludicrously incorrect in their Riggings and Manoeuvres) of a
+Sea-fight. The story of the Opera was, if I remember right, the
+Enchantments of Alcina, an entertainment which gave opportunity for a
+great Variety of Machines and changes of the Scene, which were performed
+with surprising swiftness. No House could hold such large Decorations.
+But the Ladies all sitting in the open air, exposed them to much
+inconvenience; for there was but one Canopy for the Imperial Family; and
+the first night we were there, a shower of Rain coming on, the Opera was
+broken off, and the Company crowded away in such confusion that we were
+almost squeezed to Death.
+
+If their Operas were thus productive of such Delectable Entertainment
+(abating the Rain and crowding), I cannot say much for their Comedies
+and Drolls, which were highly Ridiculous. We went to the German
+Playhouse, and saw the Story of Amphytrion very scurvily represented.
+Jupiter falls in love out of a peep-hole in the clouds in the
+beginning, and the end of it was the Birth of Hercules. It was very
+pitiful to see Jove, under the figure of Amphytrion, cheating a Tailor
+of a laced coat, and a Banker of a bag of Money, and a Jew of a Diamond
+Ring, with the like rascally Subterfuges; and Mercury's usage of Sosia
+was little more dignified. And the play was interlarded with very gross
+expressions and unseemly gestures, such as in England would not be
+tolerated by the Master of the Revels, or even in France by the
+Gentleman of the Chamber having charge over the Theatres, but at which
+the Viennese Quality, both Male and Female, did laugh Heartily and with
+much Gusto.
+
+Memorandum. As some of the Manners then existing have passed away (in
+this sad changeful age, when every thing seems melting away like Cowheel
+Jelly at a Wedding Feast), I have set down for those curious in such
+matters that the Vienna Dames were squeezed up in my time in gowns and
+gorgets, and had built fabrics of gauze on their Heads about a yard
+high, consisting of Three or Four Stories, fortified with numberless
+yards of heavy Ribbon. The foundation of this alarming structure was a
+thing they called a _Bourle_, which was exactly of the same shape and
+kind--only four times Bigger--as those Rolls which our Milkmaids make
+use of to fix their Pails upon. This machine they covered with their own
+hair, with which they mixed a great deal of False; it being a particular
+and Especial Grace with them to have their Heads too large to go into a
+moderate-sized Tub. Their Hair was prodigiously powdered to conceal the
+mixture, and so set out with numerous rows of Bodkins, sticking out
+three or four Inches on each side, made of Diamonds, Pearls, Green, Red,
+and Yellow Stones, that it certainly required as much Art and Experience
+to carry the load upright as to dance on May-day with the Garland that
+the Dairy Wenches borrow (under good security) from the Silversmiths in
+Cranbourne Alley. Also they had Whalebone Petticoats, outdoing ours by
+several yards in circumference. Vastly Ridiculous were these
+Fashions--think you not so, good Sir or Madam, as the case may be? and
+yet, may I be shot, but much later in the present century I have seen
+such things as hoops, _bourles_, tours, and toupees, not one whit less
+Ridiculous.
+
+The Empress, a sweet pretty lady, was perforce obliged to wear this
+Habit; but with the other Female Grandees it only served to increase
+their natural Ugliness. Memorandum: that at Court (whither we went not,
+being "unborn," but heard a great deal of it from hearsay) a Game called
+Quinze was the Carding most in vogue. Their drawing-rooms are different
+from those in England, no Man Creature entering it but the old
+Grand-Master, who comes to announce to the Empress the arrival of His
+Imperial Majesty the Caesar. Much gravity and Ceremony at these
+Receptions, and all very Formal, but decent. The Empress sits in a great
+easy-chair! but the Archduchesses are ranged on chairs with tall,
+straight Backs, but without arms; whilst the other Ladies of the Court
+(poor things) may stand on one Leg, or lean against sideboards, to rest
+themselves as they choose; but Sit Down they Dare not. This is the same
+Discipline, I believe, that still prevails, and so I speak of it in the
+present tense. The Table is entirely set out, and served by the
+Empress's Maids of Honour (who put on the very dishes and sauces),
+Twelve young Ladies of the First Quality, having no Salary, but their
+chamber at court (like our Maids at the Montpelier by Twitnam), where
+they live in a kind of Honourable Captivity, not being suffered to go to
+the Assemblies of Public Places in Town, except in compliment to the
+wedding of a Sister Maid, whom the Empress always presents with her
+picture set in Diamonds. And yet, for all their Strict confinement, I
+have heard fine Accounts of the goings-on of these noble Ladies. The
+first three of them are called "Ladies of the Key," and wear little
+golden keys at their sides. The Dressers are not at all the figures they
+pretend to in England, being looked upon no otherwise than as downright
+Chambermaids.
+
+So much of the State and Grandeur of Vienna, then the most considerable
+city in Germany; though now Berlin, thanks to the Genius of its Puissant
+Monarch, has Reared its head very high. It was, however, my cruel Fate
+to see something more of the Capital of the Holy Roman Empire, and that
+too in a form that was of the unpleasantest. You must know that my
+Master and the Chaplain and I (when we had been some Weeks in town, and
+through the interest of the English Bankers had gotten admission into
+some Society not quite so exclusive as the People who wanted to know
+whether you were "born") went one afternoon to an Archery Festival that
+was held in the garden of the Archchancellor's Villa, at Schoenbrunn (now
+Imperial property). 'Twas necessary to have some kind of Introduction;
+but that, if you stood well in the Banker's Books, was not very
+Difficult; and, invited or not, you had to pay a golden Ducat to the
+Usher of Ceremonies (a preposterous creature, like the Jack of Diamonds
+in his dress), that brought your ticket to your lodgings. So away we
+went to Schoenbrunn, and at a Respectful distance were privileged to
+behold two of the young Archduchesses all dressed, their Hair full of
+jewels, and with bows and arrows in their hands; while a little way off
+were placed three oval pictures, which were the marks to be shot at. The
+first was a Cupid, filling a bottle of Burgundy, with the motto
+"_Cowards may be brave here._" The second Fortune, holding a garland,
+with the motto "_Venture and Win._" The third a Sword with a Laurel
+Wreath at the point, and for legend, "_I can be vanquished without
+shame._" At t'other end was a Fine Gilded Trophy all wreathed with
+flowers, and made of little crooks, on which were hung rich Moorish
+Kerchiefs (which were much affected by the Viennese, a people very fond
+of gay and lively colours), tippets, ribbons, laces, &c., for the small
+prizes. The Empress, who sat under a splendid canopy fenced about by
+musketeers of the Life Guard, gave away the first prize with her own
+hand, which was a brave Ruby Ring set with Diamonds in a gold
+snuff-box. For the Second prize there was a little Cupid, very nicely
+done out of amethysts, and besides these a set of fine Porcelain, of the
+kind they call Eggshell (for its exceeding Tenderness and Brittleness),
+with some Japan trunks, feather-fans, and Whimwams of that order. All
+the men of quality in Vienna were spectators; but only the ladies had
+permission to shoot. There was a good background of burghers and
+strangers, and in the rear of all a Mob that drank beer and scrambled
+for Kreutzers, which the officers of the Guard who were keeping the
+Barriers would now and then throw among them for their Diversion's sake.
+And all behind it was like a Fair, set out with Booths, where there was
+shooting and drinking and Gaming, just at one's ease; for I have ever
+found that in the most Despotic countries the Mobile have a kind of Rude
+License accorded them; whereas in States where there is Freedom
+Authority gives a man leave to Think, but very carefully ties his hands
+and feet whenever he has a mind to a Frisk. My Master was in very good
+spirits that day (having quite recovered his health), and for a time
+wanders about the Tents, now treating the common people, and now having
+a bumper with Mr. Hodge. We had tickets for the second ring, but not for
+the Inner one, where the Quality were standing; but just before the
+shooting of the great Match for the Empress's ruby ring, Mr. Pinchin,
+into whose head some of the bubbles from the white Hungarian had begun
+to mount, begins to brag about his gentle extraction, and his cousinage
+to Lady Betty Heeltap and my Lord Poddle. He vows that he is as well
+"born" as any of the rascaille German Sausage-gorgers (as he calls
+them), and is as fit to stand about Royalty as any of them. The
+Chaplain, who was always a discreet man, tried hard to persuade him
+against thrusting himself forward where his company was not desired; but
+Mr. Pinchin was in that state in which arguing with a man makes him more
+obstinate. Away he goes, the Chaplain prudently withdrawing into a
+Booth; but I, as in Duty bound, followed my Master, to see that he got
+into no mischief. But, alas, the Mischief that unhappy little Man
+speedily contrived to entangle himself within!
+
+By dint of a Florin here and a Florin there, the adventurous Squire
+succeeded in slipping through the row of Guards who separated the outer
+from the inner Ring, who, from the richness of his Apparel (for he was
+dressed in his very Best), may perhaps have mistaken him for some Court
+Nobleman who had arrived late. He had got within the charmed circle
+indeed (I being a few paces behind him), and was standing on Tiptoe to
+take a full stare at one of the young Archduchesses who was bending her
+bow to shoot at Cupid, when up comes an old Lord with a very long white
+face like a Sheep, with a Crimson Ribbon across his breast, and a long
+white staff in his hand atop of which was a Golden Key. He first asks my
+Master in German what he wants there, at least so far as I could
+understand; to which the Squire, not being versed in the Tongues of
+Almaine (and, indeed, High Dutch and Low Dutch are both very Base
+Parlance, and I never could master 'em), answers, "_Non comprenny_,"
+which was his general reply when he was puzzled in the Foreign Lingos.
+Then the old Lord, with a very sharp voice and in French, tells him that
+he has no Business there, and bids him begone. Mr. Pinchin could
+understand French, though he spoke it but indifferently; but he, being
+fairly Primed, and in one of his Obstinate Moods, musters up his best
+parleyvoo, and tells the Ancient with the Golden Key (and I saw that he
+had another one hung round his neck by a parcel chain, and conjectured
+him to be a High Chamberlain at least) to go to the Devil. (I ask pardon
+for this word.) Hereupon my Lord with the Sheep's countenance collars
+him, runs his white stick into his visage, so that the key nearly puts
+his eye out, and roars for the Guard. Then Mr. Pinchin, according to his
+custom when he has gotten himself into a pother, begins to squeal for
+Me, and the Chaplain, and his Mamma, to help him out of it. My blood
+was up in a moment; I had not had a Tussle with any one for a long time.
+"Shall I who have brained an English Grenadier sneak off before a
+rabble-rout of Sauerkraut Soldiers?" I asked myself, remembering how
+much Stronger and Older I had grown since that night. "Here goes, Jack
+Dangerous!" and away I went into the throng, wrenched the white staff
+from the old Lord's hand, made him unhand my Master, and drawing his
+Sword for him (he being too terrified to draw it himself), grasped him
+firmly by the arm, and was preparing to cut a way back for both of us
+through the crowd. But 'twas a mad attempt. Up came the Guard, every man
+of them Six Foot high, and for all they were Sauerkraut Soldiers,
+pestilent Veterans who knew what Fighting meant. When I saw their fixed
+Bayonets, and their Mustachios curling with rage, I remembered a certain
+Scar I had left on me after a memorable night in Charlwood Chase. We
+were far from our own country, and there was no Demijohn of Brandy by;
+so, though it went sore against my Stomach, there was no help for it
+but to surrender ourselves at once Prisoners of War. Prisoners of War,
+forsooth! They treated us worse than Galley Slaves. Our hands were bound
+behind us with cords, Halters were put about our necks, and, the
+Grenadiers prodding us behind with their bayonets,--the Dastards, so to
+prick Unarmed Men!--we were conducted in ignominy through the rascal
+Crowd, which made a Grinning, Jeering, Hooting lane for us to pass to
+the Guardhouse at the Entrance of the Gardens. The Officer of the Guard
+was at first for having both of us strapped down to a Bench as a
+preliminary measure to receive two hundred Blows apiece with Willow Rods
+in the small of our backs, which is their usual way of commencing
+Judicial proceedings, when up comes the old Lord in a Monstrous Puff and
+Flurry, and says that by the Empress's command no present Harm is to be
+done us; but that we are to be removed to the Town Gaol till the Caesar's
+pleasure respecting us shall be known. Her Majesty, however, forgot to
+enjoin that we were not to be fettered; so the Captain of the Guard he
+claps on us the heaviest Irons that ever Mutineers howled in; and we,
+being flung into a kind of Brewer's Dray, and accompanied by a Strong
+Guard of Horse and Foot, were conveyed to Vienna, and locked up in the
+Town Gaol.
+
+Luckily Mr. Hodge speedily got wind of our misfortune, and hied him to
+the British Ambassador, who, being fond of a Pleasant Story, laughed
+heartily at the recital. He promised to get my Master off on payment of
+a Fine or something of that sort; and as for me, he was good enough to
+opine that I might think myself Lucky if I escaped with a sound dose of
+the Bastinado once a week for three months, and a couple of years or so
+in Irons. The Chaplain pleaded for me as well as for my Master as hard
+as he could; and his Excellency frowned and said, that the Diversions of
+a Gentleman might run a little wild sometimes and no harm done, but that
+the Insolence of Servants (which was a growing evil) must be restrained.
+"At all events, I'll see what I can do," he condescended to explain.
+"Come what may, the Fellow can't fare very badly for a sound Beating,
+and perhaps they will let him off when he has had cudgelling enough." So
+he calls for his Coach, and goes off to Court.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[E] Had Captain Dangerous written his memoirs a few years later, he
+might have found cause to alter his opinion respecting the wisdom of
+George III. in refusing to grant the American demands.
+
+[F] And yet Captain Dangerous is a stanch opponent of Reform.--ED.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SIXTH.
+
+          OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA), AND
+          OF MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY,
+          WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY.
+
+
+THE Fox in the Fable, so my Grannum (who had a ready Memory for those
+Tales) used to tell me, when he first saw the Lion was half dead with
+Fright. The Second View only a little Dashed him with Tremour; at the
+Third he durst salute him Boldly; and at the Fourth Rencounter Monsieur
+Reynard steals a Shin Bone of Beef from under the old Roarer's Nose, and
+laughs at his Beard. This Fable came back to me, as with a Shrug and a
+Grin (somewhat of the ruefullest) I found myself again (and for no Base
+Action I aver) in a Prison Hold. I remembered what a dreadful Sickness
+and Soul-sinking I had felt when doors of Oak clamped with Iron had
+first clanged upon me; when I first saw the Blessed Sun made into a
+Quince Tart by the cross-bars over his Golden face; when I first heard
+that clashing of Gyves together which is the Death Rattle of a man's
+Liberty. But now! Gaols and I were old Acquaintances. Had I not lain
+long in the dismal Dungeon at Aylesbury? Had I not sweltered in the Hold
+of a Transport Ship? I was but a Youth; but I felt myself by this time a
+Parcel Philosopher. The first thing a man should do when he gets into
+Gaol, is to ask himself whether there is any chance of his being Hanged.
+If he have no Sand Blindness, or Gossamer dancing of Threepenny cord
+before his eyes, why then he had e'en better eat and drink, and Thank
+God, and hope for the Best. "They won't Hang me," I said cheerfully
+enough to myself, when I was well laid up in Limbo. The Empress is well
+known to be a merciful Lady, and will cast the ermine of Mercy over the
+Scarlet Robe of Stern Authority. Perhaps I shall get my Ribs basted.
+What of that? Flesh is flesh, and will Heal. They cannot beat me so
+sorely as I have seen done (but never of myself Ordered but when I was
+compelled) to Negro Slaves. If they fine me, my Master must Pay. Here I
+am by the Heels, and until I get out again what use is there in
+Fretting? Lady Fortune has played me a scurvy trick; but may she not
+to-morrow play as roguish a one to the Sheepfaced old Chamber Lord with
+the golden Key, or any other smart Pink-an-eye Dandiprat that hangs
+about the Court? The Spoke which now is highest in her Wheel may, when
+she gives it the next good Twist, be undermost as Nock. So I took
+Courage, and bade Despair go Swing for a dried Yeoman Sprat as he is.
+
+I being a Servant, and so unjustly accounted of Base Degree by these
+Sour-Cabbage gorging and Sourer-Beer swilling High Dutch Bed-Pressers,
+was put into the Common Ward with the Raff; while my Master was
+suffered, on Payment of Fees, to have better lodgings. Gaolers are
+Gaolers all over the world, and Golden Fetters are always the
+lightsomest. We were some Sixty Rascals (that is to say, Fifty-nine
+scoundrels, with one Honest Youth, your Humble Servant) in the Common
+Room, with but one Bed between us; this being, indeed, but a Raised
+Wooden Platform, like that you see in a Soldiers' Guard Room. They
+brought us some Straw every day, and littered us down Dog Fashion, and
+that was all we had for Lodging Gear. It mattered little. There was a
+Roof to the Gaol that was weather-tight, and what more could a Man
+want?--until things got better at least.
+
+Which they speedily did; and neither Master nor Man came to any very
+great harm. 'Twas a near touch, though; and the safety of Jack
+Dangerous's bones hung for days, so I was afterwards told, by the merest
+thread. They deliberated long and earnestly about my case among
+themselves. It was even, I believe, brought before the Aulic Council;
+but, after about a week's confinement, and much going to and fro
+between the English Embassador and the Great ones of the Court, Mr.
+Pinchin had signified to him that he might procure his Enlargement by
+paying a Fine of Eight Hundred Florins, which was reckoned remarkably
+cheap, considering his outrageous behaviour at the Shooting match. Some
+days longer they thought fit to detain Me; but My Master, after he
+regained his liberty, came to see me once and sometimes twice a day; and
+through his and Mr. Hodge's kindness, I was supplied with as good
+Victuals and Drink as I had heretofore been accustomed to. Indeed, such
+abundant fare was there provided for me, that I had always a
+superfluity, and I was enabled to relieve the necessities and fill the
+bellies of many poor Miserable Hungry creatures who otherwise must have
+starved; for 'twas the custom of the Crown only to allow their Captives
+a few Kreutzers, amounting to some twopence-farthing a day English, for
+their subsistence. The Oldest Prisoner in the Ward, whom they called
+Father of the Room, would on this Bare Pittance take tithe and toll,
+often in a most Extortionate manner. Then these Gaol birds would fall to
+thieving from one another, even as they slept; and if a man was weak of
+Arm and Feeble of Heart, he might go for a week without touching a doit
+of his allowance, and so might Die of Famine, unless he could manage to
+beg a little filthy Cabbage Soup, or a lump of Black Bread, from some
+one not wholly without Bowels of Compassion.
+
+But I had not been here more than a month when the instances of my
+master at length prevailed, and I too was Enlarged; only some Fifty
+Florins being laid upon me by way of fine. This mulct was paid perforce
+by Mr. Pinchin; for as 'twas through his mad folly, and no fault of my
+own, that I had come to Sorrow, he was in all Justice and Equity bound
+to bear me harmless in the Consequences. He was fain, however, to make
+some Demur, and to Complain, in his usual piteous manner, of being so
+amerced.
+
+"Suppose you had been sentenced to Five Hundred Blows of a Stick,
+sirrah,"--'twas thus he put the case to me, logically enough,--"would
+you have expected me to pay for thee in carcase, as now I am paying for
+thee in Purse?"
+
+"Circumstances alter cases," interposes Mr. Hodge in my behalf. "Here is
+luckily no question of Stripes at all. John may bless his Stars that he
+hath gotten off without a Rib-Roasting; and to your Worship, after the
+Tune they have made you dance to, and the Piper you have paid, what is
+this miserable little Fine of Fifty Florins?" So my Master paid; and
+Leaving another Ten Florins for the poor Losels in the Gaol to drink his
+health in, we departed from that place of Durance, thinking ourselves,
+and with reason, very well out of it.
+
+Servants are not always so lucky when they too implicitly obey the
+behests of their Masters, or, in a hot fever of Fidelity, stand up for
+them in Times of Danger or Desperate Affrays. Has there not ever been
+brought under your notice that famous French Law Case, of the Court
+Lady,--the Dame de Liancourt, I think she was called,--against whom
+another Dame had a Spite, either for her Beauty, or her Wit, or her
+Riches' sake? She, riding one day in her Coach-and-Six by a cross-road,
+comes upon the Dame de Liancourt, likewise in her Coach-and-Six, both
+ladies having the ordinary complement of Running Footmen. My Lady who
+had a Spite against her of Liancourt whispers to her Lacqueys; and these
+poor Faithful Rogues, too eager to obey their Mistress's commands, ran
+to the other coach-door, pulled out that unlucky Dame de Liancourt, and
+then and there inflicted on her that shameful chastisement which jealous
+Venus, as the Poetry books say, did, once upon a time, order to poor
+Psyche; and which, even in our own times, so I have heard, Madame du
+Barry, the last French King's Favourite, did cause Four Chambermaids to
+inflict on some Lady about Versailles with whom she had cause of Anger.
+At any rate, the cruel and Disgraceful thing was done, the Dame sitting
+in her coach meanwhile clapping her hands. O! 'twas a scandalous thing.
+The poor Dame de Liancourt goes, Burning with Rage and Shame, to the
+Chief Town of the Province, to lodge her complaint. The matter is
+brought before the Parliament, and in due time it goes to Paris, and is
+heard and re-heard, the Judges all making a Mighty to-do about it; and
+at last, after some two years and a half's litigation, is settled in
+this wise. My Lady pays a Fine and the Costs, and begs the Dame de
+Liancourt's pardon. But what, think you, becomes of the two poor
+Lacqueys that had been rash enough to execute her Revengeful Orders?
+Why, at first they are haled about from one gaol to another for Thirty
+Months in succession, and then they are subjected to the question,
+Ordinary and Extraordinary--that is to say, to the Torture; and at last,
+when my Lady is paying her fine of 10,000 livres, I think, or about Four
+Hundred Pounds of our Money, the Judges at Paris pronounce against these
+two poor Devils of Footmen,--that were as innocent of any Malice in the
+Matter as the Babe that is unborn, and only Did what they were
+Told,--that one is to be Hanged in the Place de Greve, and the other
+banished to the Galleys, there to be chained to the Oar for life. A fine
+Encouragement truly for those who think that, for good Victuals and a
+Fine Livery, they are bound to obey all the Humours and Caprices, even
+to the most Unreasonable and most Arbitrary, of their Masters and
+Mistresses.
+
+We were in no great Mood, after this Affair was over, to remain in
+Vienna. Mr. Pinchin did at first purpose journeying through the Province
+of Styria by Gratz, to a little town on the sea-coast, called
+Trieste,--that has much grown in importance during these latter
+days,--and so crossing the Gulf to Venice; but he abandoned this Scheme.
+His health was visibly breaking; his Funds, he said, were running low;
+he was more anxious about his Mamma than ever; and 'twas easy to see
+that he was half-weary and half-afraid of the Chaplain and Myself, and
+that he desired nothing Half so Much as to get Rid of us Both. So we
+packed up, and resumed our Wanderings, but in Retreat instead of
+Advance. We passed, coming back, through Dresden, where there are some
+fine History Pictures, and close to which the Saxon Elector had set up a
+great Factory for the making of painted Pottery Ware: not after the
+monstrous Chinese Fashion, but rather after the Mode practised with
+great Success at our own Chelsea. The manner of making this Pottery was,
+however, kept a high State Secret by the government of the then Saxon
+Elector; and no strangers were, on any pretence, admitted to the place
+where the Works were carried on; so of this we saw nothing: and not
+Sorry was I of the privation, being utterly Wearied and palled with much
+gadding about and Sight-seeing. So post to Frankfort, where there were a
+many Jews; and thence to Mayence; and from thence down the grand old
+River Rhine to the City of Cologne; whence, by the most lagging stages I
+did ever know, to Bruxelles. But we stayed not here to see the
+sights--not even the droll little statue of the Mannikin (at the corner
+of a street, in a most improper attitude; and there is a Group quite as
+unseemly in one of the Markets, so I was told, although at that time we
+were fain to pass them by), which Mannikin the burgesses of Bruxelles
+regard as a kind of tutelary Divinity, and set much greater store by
+than do we by our London Stone, or Little Naked Boy in Panyer Alley. But
+it is curious to mark what strange fanteagues these Foreigners run mad
+after.
+
+At Bruxelles my Master buys an old Post Carriage--cost him Two Hundred
+and Fifty Livres, which was not dear; and the wretched horses of the
+country being harnessed thereto, we made Paris in about a week
+afterwards. We alighted at a decent enough kind of Inn, in the Place
+named after Lewis the Great (an eight-sided space, and the houses
+handsome, though not so large as Golden Square). There was a great sight
+the day after our coming, which we could not well avoid seeing. This was
+the Burial of a certain great nobleman, a Duke and Marshal of France,
+and at the time of his Decease Governor of the City of Paris. I have
+forgotten his name; but it does not so much matter at this time of day,
+his Grace and Governorship being as dead as Queen Anne. It began (the
+Burial), on foot, from his house, which was next door but one to our
+Inn, and went first to his Parish Church, and thence, in coaches, right
+to the other end of Paris, to a Monastery where his Lordship's Family
+Vault was. There was a prodigious long procession of Flambeaux; Friars,
+white, black, and gray, very trumpery, and marvellous foul-looking; no
+plumes, banners, scutcheons, led horses, or open chariots,--altogether
+most mean obsequies. The march began at eight in the evening, and did
+not end till four o'clock the next morning, for at each church they
+passed they stopped for a Hymn and Holy Water. And, by the way, we were
+told that one of these same choice Friars, who had been set to watching
+the body while it lay in state, fell asleep one night, and let the
+Tapers catch fire of the rich Velvet Mantle, lined with Ermine and
+powdered over with gold Flower-de-Luces, which melted all the candles,
+and burnt off one of the feet of the Departed, before it wakened the
+watcher.
+
+It was afterwards my fortune to know Paris very well; but I cannot say
+that I thought much of the place on first coming to it. Dirt there was
+everywhere, and the most villanous smells that could be imagined. A
+great deal of Show, but a vein of Rascal manners running through it all.
+Nothing neat or handsomely ordered. Where my Master stood to see the
+Burial Procession, the balcony was hung with Crimson Damask and Gold;
+but the windows behind him were patched in half-a-dozen places with
+oiled paper. At Dinner they gave you at least Three Courses; but a third
+of the Repast was patched up with Sallets, Butter, Puff-paste, or some
+such miscarriages of Dishes. Nothing like good, wholesome, substantial
+Belly-Timber. None but Germans, and other Strangers, wore fine clothes;
+the French people mainly in rags, but powdered up to their eyebrows.
+Their coaches miserably horsed, and rope-harnessed; yet, in the way of
+Allegories on the panels, all tawdry enough for the Wedding of Cupid
+and Psyche. Their shop-signs extremely laughable. Here some living at
+the Y Gue; some at Venus's Toilette; and others at the Sucking Cat.
+Their notions of Honour most preposterous. It was thought mighty
+dishonourable for any that was a Born Gentleman not to be in the Army,
+or in the King's Service, but no dishonour at all to keep Public Gaming
+Houses; there being at least five hundred persons of the first Quality
+in Paris living by it. You might go to their Houses at all Hours of the
+Night, and find Hazard, Pharaoh, &c. The men who kept the gaming-tables
+at the Duke of Gesvres' paid him twelve guineas a night for the
+privilege. Even the Princesses of the Blood were mean enough to go
+snacks in the profits of the banks kept in their palaces. I will say
+nothing more of Paris in this place, save that it was the fashion of the
+Ladies to wear Red Hair of a very deep hue; these said Princesses of the
+Blood being consumedly carroty. And I do think that if a Princess of the
+Blood was born with a Tail, and chose to show it, tied up with
+Pea-Green Ribbon, through the Placket-hole of her Gown, the Ladies, not
+only in France, but all over the World, would be proud to sport Tails
+with Pea-Green Ribbons,--or any other colour that was the mode,--whether
+they were Born with 'em or not.
+
+Nothing more that is worthy of Mention took place until our leaving
+Paris. We came away in a calash, that is, my Master and the Chaplain,
+riding at their Ease in that vehicle, while I trotted behind on a little
+Bidet, and posted it through St. Denis to Beauvais. So on to Abbeville,
+where they had the Impudence to charge us Ten Livres for three Dishes of
+Coffee, and some of the nastiest Eau de Vie that ever I tasted; excusing
+themselves, the Rogues, on the score that Englishmen were scarce
+nowadays. And to our great Relief, we at last arrived at Calais, where
+we had comfortable Lodgings, and good fare, at a not too exorbitant
+rate. Here we had to wait four days for a favourable Wind; and even then
+we found the Packet Boat all taken up for Passengers, and not a place
+on board to be had either for Love or Money. As Mr. Pinchin was
+desperately pressed to reach his Native Land, to wait for the next boat
+seemed utterly intolerable to him; so, all in a Hurry, and being
+cheated, as folks when they are in a Hurry must needs be, we bargained
+for a Private Yatch to take us to Dover. The Master would hear of
+nothing less than five-and-twenty guineas for the voyage, which, with
+many Sighs and almost Weeping, my poor Little Master agrees to give. He
+might have recouped himself ten guineas of the money; for there was a
+Great Italian Singing Woman, with her Chambermaid, her Valet de Chambre,
+a Black Boy, and a Monkey, bound for the King's Opera House in the
+Haymarket, very anxious to reach England, and willing to pay
+Handsomely--out of English pockets in the long-run--for the
+accommodation we had to give; but my capricious Master flies into a
+Tiff, and vows that he will have no Foreign Squallers on board his Yatch
+with him. So the poor Signora--who was not at all a Bad-looking woman,
+although mighty Brown of visage--was fain to wait for the next Packet;
+and we went off in very great state, but still having to Pay with
+needless heaviness for our Whistle. And, of course, all the way there
+was nothing but whining and grumbling on his Worship's part, that so
+short a trip should have cost him Twenty-five Guineas. The little Brute
+was never satisfied; and when I remembered the Life I had led with him,
+despite abundant Victuals, good Clothes, and decent Wages, I confess
+that I felt half-inclined to pitch him over the Taffrail, and make an
+End of him, for good and all.
+
+The villanous Tub which the Rascals who manned it called a Yatch was not
+Seaworthy, wouldn't answer her Helm, and floundered about in the Trough
+of the Sea for a day and a half; and even then we did not make Dover,
+but were obliged to beat up for Ramsgate. We had been fools enough to
+pay the Fare beforehand; and these Channel Pirates were unconscionable
+enough to demand Ten Guineas more, swearing that they would have us up
+before the Mayor--who, I believe, was in league with 'em--if we did not
+disburse. Then the Master of the Port came upon us for Dues and Light
+Tolls; and a Revenue Pink boarded us, the Crew getting Half-drunk at our
+Expense, under pretence of searching for contraband, and sticking to us
+till we had given the Midshipman a guinea, and another guinea to the
+Crew, to drink our Healths.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.
+
+          OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE:
+          AMONGST OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE IN
+          THE FLEET.
+
+
+THE best of Friends, says the Proverb, must part, and so must the worst,
+or the most indifferent of companions. By this time, I apprehend,--that
+is to say, the year 1728, Messieurs Pinchin, Hodge, and Dangerous had
+had quite enough of each other's company, and 'twas ripe Time for 'em to
+Part. Not but what there were some difficulties in the way. 'Twas not to
+be denied that my little Master was a parcel curmudgeon, very vain and
+conceited, very difficult of management in his Everlasting Tempers, and
+a trifle Mad, besides; but his service--apart from the inconvenience of
+bearing with a tetchy, half Lunatic Ape of Quality, was light and easy;
+the victuals were abundant and the Wages were comfortable. There must
+be two parties to make a quarrel, and when Master and servant propose to
+part, there should be a perfect agreement between them as to the manner
+of their going asunder. A Hundred times, vexed by the follies and
+exactions of the little man, I had sworn that I would doff his livery,
+and have nothing more to do with him; but then came the Reflection of
+the certain Bite and Sup, and I withheld my abandonment of Service. It
+may be that the Chaplain, Mr. Hodge, was very much of the same mind as
+your Humble. He said often, that he had been bearleader quite long
+enough to this young Cub, and was sick alike of his savage hugs, and
+uncouth gestures, when he had a mind to dance. Yet was he wise enough in
+his generation to acknowledge the commodity of a fat Pasty and a full
+Flask every day in the year, and of a neverfailing crown piece in the
+pouch in the morning for a draught to cool one's throat, when the bottle
+had been pushed about pretty briskly overnight. Parson Hodge was a
+philosopher. "I don't like the kicks," quoth he; "but when halfpence
+come along with 'em, they cease to be intolerable."
+
+However, all our nice weighings of Pros and Cons were brought to a very
+abrupt standstill upon our arrival at Dover (having taken a post chariot
+from Ramsgate) by the Inconceivable Behaviour of Mr. Pinchin. This young
+Gentleman, utterly forgetting the claims of Duty, of Honour, of Honesty,
+and of Gratitude, fairly Ran away from us, his faithful and Attached
+Domestics. Without with your leave or by your leave he showed us a clean
+pair of Heels. He left a very cool Letter for the Chaplain in the hands
+of the master of the Inn where we put up, in which he repeated his old
+uncivil Accusation, that we had eaten him out of House and Home, that we
+were Leeches, Pirates, bloodsucking vampires, and the like--myself he
+even did the honour to call a Designing Cockatrice--and that he had fled
+from us to save the small remains of his Fortune from being Devoured,
+and intended to rejoin his long-neglected Mamma. Mr. Hodge read me this
+letter with a very long face, and asked me what I intended to do. I
+answered that I should be better able to tell him when he had read me
+the Postscript to the letter, for that I hardly fancied that Squire
+Pinchin would behave in so Base and Mean a manner as to run away without
+paying his Body Servant's wages. Upon this the Reverend Gentleman hems
+and ha's somewhat, and gave me to understand that Mr. Pinchin had
+enclosed a draft upon a Goldsmith in Change Alley in part disbursement
+of his debt to him, Mr. Hodge, and that out of that--although no special
+provision had been made for me by Mr. Pinchin--he thought he could spare
+me a matter of Ten Pound. Now as he kept the letter very tight in his
+hand, and was, withal, a Strong Man, who would have resisted any attempt
+of mine to wrest it from him, I was fain to take his statement for
+granted, and in a very Sulky manner agreed to accept the Ten Pound in
+full of all demands, stipulating only that my Travelling charges to
+London should be defrayed. This Mr. Hodge boggled at for awhile; but,
+seeing me Resolute he gave way, and at last said that there was no need
+for me to trouble with going to the Goldsmith in London to get the Draft
+changed--"If, indeed," says he, "the unhappy young spendthrift be not
+proclaimed a Bankrupt before I get this slip of paper cashed;" and that
+having a small store of Gold by him, he would give me the Ten Pound
+down, together with a couple of Pieces to bear my Expenses to the Town.
+To this I agreed; and his Reverence handing me over the ready, we cried
+Quits.
+
+"And now, Sir," says I, "as you are no longer a Led-Parson, and I am no
+longer a Lacquey, we are both, till we get Fresh Places, Gentlemen at
+large, and Jack is as good as his Master, I shall be happy to crack a
+bottle of Lisbon with you, and whether you pay or I pay shall be decided
+by the flinging up of a Jacobus."
+
+He declared that I was an Impudent young Fellow, with more Wickednesses
+in my Heart than I had hairs in my Head; but he accepted my Invitation
+to crack the bottle of Lisbon very readily, and won the Toss of me with
+much Affability. So, after a joyous Rouse (which my young Head could
+then stand, but I am a sad Skinker at the bottle now), the Landlord
+standing in, we drank Mr. Pinchin's health and better manners to him;
+and his Reverence dismissed me with a Buss and his Benediction.
+
+"When you reach London, which is a wicked place," says he; "I prithee
+get you to Highgate, and without more ado cause yourself to be sworn
+upon the Horns there, never to drink Small Ale when you can get Strong,
+and never to Kiss the Maid when you can Kiss the Mistress. After that,
+with your Face, and your Figure, and your Foreign Travel, to say nothing
+of your Amazing Impudence, and your Incorrigible habit of Lying, I think
+you will do pretty well. Go thy ways, my son, and if ever you come to be
+hanged, send for Parson Hodge, and he will (with the Ordinary's
+permission) do everything for you in the cart that a True Blue Church
+and State Man can wish. _Vale_: that is to say, get off, you vagabond,"
+with which in his merry way he half pushes me out of the room at the
+Inn, and I dare say that he had given a sufficiently liberal
+construction to Mr. Pinchin's postscript as to cheat me out of Twenty
+Pound.
+
+And now on this worthy I must bestow a brace of Paragraphs ere I dismiss
+him for good and all, premising that the knowledge of what I am about to
+set down did not come upon me at this period of my History, but was
+gathered up, in Odds and Ends in subsequent epochs of my career:--some
+of it, indeed, many years afterwards. Parson Hodge had managed--all
+losses allowed for--to feather his nest pretty well out of his
+attendance on Squire Bartholomew Pinchin, and the ten or twelve pound he
+doled out to me (whether the story about the draft on the Goldsmith was
+a Cock and Bull one or not) must have been but a mere fleabite to him. I
+heard that he went down to the Bath, and dropping his Clerical Dignity
+for awhile, set up for a fashionable Physician of High Dutch extraction
+that was to cure all ailments. Doctor Von Hoogius I think he called
+himself; and his travelling about with my little Master had given him
+just such a smattering of Tongues as to enable him to speak Broken
+English with just so much of a foreign accent as to make it unlike a
+Brogue or a Burr. The guineas came in pretty quickly, and I believe that
+he cured several people of the Quinsy with pills made of dough,
+hogslard, cinnamon, and turmeric, and that he was highly successful in
+ridding ladies of fashion of the vapours by means of his Royal Arabian
+Electuary, which was nothing more than white Jamaica Rum coloured pink
+and with a flavouring of Almonds. The regular Practitioners, however,
+grew jealous of him, and beginning to ask him impertinent questions
+about his Diploma, he was fain to give up Legitimate practice, and to
+pick up a dirty Living as a mere Quack, and Vendor of Pills, Potions,
+Salves, Balsams, and Elixirs of Life. Then he came down in the world,
+owing to a Waiting Gentlewoman whose fortune he must needs tell, and
+whom, 'tis said, he cozened out of three quarters' wages; so, for fear
+of being committed by the justices as a Rogue and Vagabond, he then kept
+a Herb Shop for some time, with great success, until he got into trouble
+about a Horse, and being clearly Tart of that crime, very wisely shifted
+his quarters to the Kingdom of Ireland. I have heard that by turns he
+was, in his New Sphere, a Player at the Dublin Theatre, a Drawer at a
+Usquebaugh Shop in Cork, a hedge-schoolmaster among the Bogtrotters--a
+wild, savage kind of People, that infest the Southern parts of that
+fertile but distracted kingdom--a teacher of the Mathematics in Belfast,
+and a fiddler going about to wakes and weddings in the county of Galway.
+'Twas whilst pursuing this last and jovial vocation that he was
+fortunate enough to run away with an Heiress of considerable Fortune. He
+managed it by a sort of Rough and Ready process they call over there an
+Abduction, two or three of the Wild Irishes being killed while he was
+getting the young lady on the car to take her away to be married; and
+she, happening to be a Ward in Chancery, he fell into Contempt, and was
+committed to Newgate in the City of Dublin, where he might have lain
+till his heels rotted off, but for the Favourable Renown into which he
+grew by his Bold and Gallant Feat of Abduction, and which brought him
+into such sympathetic notice, that interest was made with the Chancellor
+to purge him of his contempt, and he was honourably Discharged therefrom
+by means of escaping from Newgate at night by means of a Silver Key
+agreed upon betwixt him and the Warden. By the way, he had the sagacity
+at this time to conceal his being an Englishman, and passed very easily
+by the name of O'Hagan. A subscription was made for him among the
+Quality after his Enlargement, and he was charitably advised to push his
+fortune among the Saxons in England, his good friends little suspecting
+that he had already pushed his Fortune there, at different times, to a
+very pretty tune. But for his unfortunate--or rather fortunate, for
+him--collision with justice, he might have obtained employment as a
+Tithe Proctor with some of the dignified and non-resident Established
+Clergy in Ireland, who were very anxious to have able and Unscrupulous
+Men to collect their Dues for 'em; but the Sister Isle being, on several
+accounts, too hot for Mr. Hodge, Von Hoogius, O'Hagan, he took shipping
+with a purse full of guineas, collected for him by his kind friends, for
+Liverpool in Lancashire. Here he prospered indifferently for a time, now
+as a Schoolmaster, now as a Quack Doctor, under his old High Dutch
+alias, and now as an Agent for the crimping of children for the West
+India plantations, which last traffic I have ever held, for reasons
+personal, to be utterly Indefensible and Abominable. A Bill of
+Indictment before the Grand Jury speedily, however, put an end to the
+chaplain's dealings in flesh and blood; so he made what haste he could
+to town, where squandering what means he had with him in Riot and
+Unthrift, and being unluckily recognised by an old acquaintance in the
+Tailoring line, he was arrested on civil process, and clapped into the
+Fleet Prison. But here his ever-soaring genius took a new Flight. Those
+half surreptitious and wholly scandalous Nuptials known as Fleet
+Marriages, were then very rife, and the adventurer had wit enough to
+discover that it was to his interest to resume his cassock and bands,
+and to become the Reverend Mr. Hodge once more. Not much was wanted to
+set him up in business. Canonicals were to be had cheap enough in Rag
+Fair for the sending for 'em; a greasy Common Prayer Book and a
+chandler's-shop ledger to serve as a Register, did not cost much; so
+with these, and an inimitably Brazen face, behold our worthy equipped as
+a perfect Fleet Parson. He had to maintain at first a ragged regiment of
+cads and Runners to tout for him and bring him customers, but he soon
+became notorious, and formed a very fine connexion. Judgements by the
+score had been obtained, and Detainers lodged against him at the gate,
+since his incarceration at the suit of his acquaintance, the Tailor; but
+'twas not long ere he contrived, by the easy process of joining people's
+hands, to gain enough to pay all the claims against him, and by
+permission of the Warden of the Fleet, to set up a Chapel and Liquor
+Shop within the rules of the prison. Punch, Geneva, poisonous wine,
+brandy, bitters, Rum, and Tobacco, were sold below stairs, and the Order
+for the Solemnization of Matrimony was performed on the first floor. It
+became quite a fashionable thing to go and be married by Parson Hodge,
+and at last it would be said of him, that if he extorted money from you
+beforehand, he did not pick your pocket afterwards, as too many of the
+Fleet Parsons in those shameful days were in the habit of doing. He
+continued at this merry game for many years, being in his way quite as
+popular as Orator Henley, and coining a great deal more money than that
+crack-brained Fanatic--for I have always been at pains to discover
+whether Henley was more Rogue or Fool--till at last his lucrative but
+unholy trade was put an end to by an Act of Parliament, called for by
+the righteous indignation of all peaceable and loyal subjects of the
+King, who did not desire to be married in haste and to repent at
+leisure. I believe that Parson Hodge retired with a comfortable fortune,
+and, going down into Somersetshire, purchased a small estate there, and
+died, much respected, in the odour of many pigs, and in the Commission
+of the Peace.
+
+As for poor little Bartholomew Pinchin, his career was not nearly so
+prosperous, nor his end so happy. You will learn, a little further on,
+what scurvy tricks Fortune played him, and how at last his poor little
+brains succumbed to the rough toasting of that graceless jade. I had
+always thought him Mad, and Mad, indeed, as a March hare he proved to be
+in the long run.
+
+And now as to Myself, for it is surely fitting that a proper young
+Fellow, such as I was now, stout and vigorous, and going for nineteen
+years of age, should no longer remain in the Background. First I hied me
+to London by the waggon, where, after four days' journey--for it was ill
+travelling in those days, between London and Dover--I arrived without
+any misadventure. I was my own Master, I had Ten Pound in my pocket
+(the two additional Pieces being now spent), and I did not know one
+single soul in a city of eight hundred thousand inhabitants. Is it to be
+wondered at, under these premises, that before I fixed upon any decided
+line of life, I went, first of all, to the Deuce. It took me but a
+woundily short time to reach that Goal. For ten pounds you may reckon,
+we will say--if you put up at a small alehouse in the Borough--upon
+about ten friends who shall be very fond of you for a couple of days. I
+think, at the beginning of the third, I had just three and sixpence left
+wherewith to buy a razor to cut my throat withal. "Stuff and nonsense!"
+cried the last of the fleeting friends who had abided with me. "Three
+and sixpence for a razor, forsooth! why, a yard of good new cord, quite
+strong enough to bear your weight, can be bought in any shop in
+Tooley-street for a penny. You have just three and fivepence left,
+brother, to make yourself merry for the day, and, please the pigs, we
+will be merry as grigs upon it until Sundown (for I took a fancy to you
+the first minute I set eyes upon you), and even then there are two ways
+out of the hobble, without twisting your weasand. I have a pair of
+pistols, and as I love you like a brother, will share anything with you;
+and we will pad the hoof betwixt this and Deptford, and see whether we
+can meet any fat Kentish hop-grower on his way to the Borough Market
+with more money than wit--a capital plan, any way, seeing that if you
+fail, the Sheriff will hang you for nothing, and you can keep your penny
+for drink, or else you can list for a soldier, as many a tall and pretty
+fellow in the like straits has done before."
+
+I civilly declined this amicable and philosophical advice, for it had
+suddenly become apparent to me that my new friend was a confirmed Rogue.
+For opening of the Eyes there is nothing like having spent all your
+money. I gave him a shilling, however, out of my three and sixpence, and
+crossed London Bridge to see if I could find better luck on the
+Middlesex side, determined, if nothing offered itself during the day, to
+ask my way to the Barracks at the Savoy and list for a Soldier. I
+amused myself as I walked, with the thought that chance might so bring
+it about for the Sergeant who would give me the King's shilling to be
+the selfsame grenadier whose sconce I had broken years agone in
+Charlwood Chase with the Demijohn of Brandy.
+
+I had heard, as most Ignoramuses have done, I suppose, that London
+Streets are paved with Gold; and I found 'em as Muddy, as Stony, and as
+Hardhearted as I dare say they have been discovered by ten thousand
+Ignoramuses before my time to be. I was quite dazed and stupified with
+the noise and uproar of the Great City, the more perplexing to me as I
+was not only a Stranger, but almost a Foreigner and Outlandish Man in
+Great Britain. I could speak my own tongue well enough with Parson Hodge
+and Mr. Pinchin, but when it came to be clamoured all around me by
+innumerable voices, I a'most lost heart, and gave up the notion that I
+was an Englishman at all. It must be confessed, that half a century
+since we English were a very Blackguard People, and that London was
+about the most disreputable city in all Europe. There were few public
+buildings of any great note or of Majestic Proportions, save St. Paul's
+Cathedral, the Monument, and the Banqueting House at Whitehall. The
+Mansion House and the Bank of England were not yet built, and between
+them and the Royal Exchange (the which, noble enough in itself, was girt
+about, and choked up with Shops and Tenements exceeding mean and
+shabby), was a nasty, rubbishing, faint-smelling place, full of
+fruiterers and herbalists, called the Stocks Market. The crazy and
+rotten City Gates blocked up the chief thoroughfares, and across the
+bottom of Ludgate Hill yawned a marvellous foul and filthy open sewer,
+rich in dead dogs and cats, called the Fleet Ditch. This street was fair
+enough, and full of commodious houses and wealthy shops, but all about
+Temple Bar was a vile and horrid labyrinth of lanes and alleys, the
+chief and the most villanous of which was a place full of tripe shops
+and low taverns, called Butcher Row, leading from the Bar down to the
+Churchyard of St. Clement's Danes. The Strand was broad and fair enough
+to view as far as the New Exchange; but in lieu of that magnificent
+structure which Sir William Chambers, the Swedish architect, has built
+for Government offices, and where the Royal Academy of Arts and the
+Learned Societies have their apartments (when I first came to town there
+was no Royal Academy at all, only a Mean School for painting from the
+Life and drawing from Bustos in St. Martin's Lane; the Royal Society
+held their sittings in a court off Fleet Street; the College of
+Physicians was chock-a-block among the butchers in Warwick Lane, Newgate
+Market, where it still, to the scandal of Science, remains; and
+Surgeon's Hall, where malefactors were anatomised after execution--a
+Sanguinary but Salutary custom--was in the Old Bailey, over against the
+leads of the Sessions House)--in place, then, of what we now call
+Somerset House, albeit it has lost all connexion with the proud Duke of
+that name, there stood the Old Palace of the Queens of England, a
+remarkable tumbledown barn of a place, hideous in its ugliness towards
+the Strand, but having some stately edifices at the back, built by that
+Famous Engineer, Mr. Inigo Jones. Here sometimes Queens were lodged, and
+sometimes Embassadors--'twas the Venetian Envoy, I think, that had his
+rooms in Somerset House when I first knew it,--and sometimes Masquerades
+were given. A company of Soldiers was kept on guard in the precincts,
+not so much for ornament as for use, for they had hard work every night
+in the week in quelling the pottle-pot brawls and brabbling among the
+Rogues, Thieves, Besognosos, Beggars, Ribbibes, Bidstands, and
+Clapper-dudgeons, male and female, who infested the outskirts of the Old
+Palace, or had Impudently Squatted within its very walls, and had made
+of the Place a very Alsatia, now that Scamp's Paradise in Whitefriars
+had been put down by Act of Parliament. Here they burrowed like so many
+Grice, till the shoulder-tapping Pilchers of the Compter came a
+badger-drawing with their bludgeons. 'Twas a perfect chaos of
+clap-dishes, skeldering, cranion-legged Impostors, fittous cripples, and
+gambling bullies, for ever roaring over Post and Pair, or Dust Point, or
+throwing their Highmen, or barbing gold, or yelling profane songs and
+catches. A man was killed here about every other day in some Callet and
+Cockoloch squabble, and there was a broil about twice in every hour. Of
+course there were Patricos here, who only wanted Fashionable
+Encouragement to rival the Feet Parsons in the trade of faggot-weddings.
+There were philosophers who devised schemes for paying off the National
+Debt, or for making roast ribs of beef out of brickbats. Here were swept
+the last pillings and frayings of the South Sea Bubble, in the shape of
+divers Speculators and Directors who had absconded from their Creditors,
+and were here pretty safe from arrest, for although not legally a
+sanctuary, it was as chancy to cop a man here on a capias as to put
+one's naked hand into a bag full of rats.
+
+I dined this day at a sixpenny ordinary in the New Exchange, and after
+that asked my way to the Savoy, which I found to be close by. So I
+walked down to the old Tower, and passed the time of day to the Sergeant
+of the Guard, who was for having me empty a can of ale with him on the
+spot, but I would not then, and concealed my intention, being minded to
+defer the execution of it till sunset. I don't know what Vain and
+Foolish Hope possessed me that something might yet turn up which might
+save me from the sad necessity of listing for a soldier, to the which
+vocation, mindful of my early experiences among the Blacks in Charlwood
+Chase, I entertained a very sincere Abhorrence. So I wandered up and
+down the Streets, asking from time to time where I was, and being (as is
+usual with the People of England in their intercourse with strangers)
+cursed or laughed at for a fool or a bumpkin. Half a dozen times I felt
+that some rogue was trying my pocket; but I knew I had no money to be
+robbed of, and kept my kerchief in my hat; only the bare endeavour made
+me mad, and the next time one of my gentleman nick-skins made a dive
+into my pouch, I turned round and hit him a crack over the head with a
+short knobbed-stick I carried, which, I warrant, made him repent of his
+Temerity.
+
+I had gotten into St. James's Park about four o'clock in the afternoon,
+and was walking very moodily by the side of the long water trench called
+Rosamond's Pond, when at once a desire seized hold of me to behold the
+Tower of London. Whether in my fantastic Imagination I deemed that I
+might find Tower Hill paved with gold, or pick up some Profitable
+Acquaintance there, it is fruitless as this distance of time to inquire.
+But I must needs see the Tower, and was as eager for a view of that
+famous Fortress as though I had been the veriest holiday-making and
+sight-seeing Country Cousin. I made my way into the Birdcage walk, and
+so through Palace-yard down to the stairs at the foot of where they were
+driving the first piles of that great structure which is now called
+Westminster Bridge. Here a Waterman agreed to take me to the Tower
+stairs for a shilling, which was not above thrice his legal fare, but
+yokels and simpletons are common prey in this great village of London. I
+observed more than once as he rowed me down stream that we were followed
+by a heavy wherry, manned by stout, smart fellows in frocks of blue
+duck, who kept stroke remarkably well together, and whose coxswain eyed
+me very narrowly. As we were shooting one of the narrow arches of London
+Bridge--(then covered with shops and houses, with barbicans, and
+traitors' heads spiked upon 'em at each end, and I have heard old people
+say that many a time they have fished for perch and grayling standing on
+the starlings of the Bridge)--this wherry fouled our craft, and my
+waterman burst into a volley of horrible ribald abuse, till he who was
+coxswain among the blue-frocked gentry spake some words to him in a low
+voice, at which he touched his cap, and became quite Meek and Humble. I
+caught him eyeing me, quite as narrowly as the steersman of the wherry
+had done, and when I asked him what ailed him, he stuck his Tongue in
+his cheek and grinned audaciously.
+
+"Who were those rough fellows in the wherry, yonder, that fouled us?" I
+asked.
+
+"Bluebottles," says he, with another grin.
+
+"What d'ye mean, fellow?" I continued.
+
+"Well, fresh-water fishermen, if you like," he went on, "that bait their
+hooks with salt worms. Will you please pay me my fare now, Master, since
+I am a Fellow forsooth, and Murphy's Murrain to you?"
+
+What Murphy's Murrain was--except some term of waterside sculduddrey I
+did not know--but I paid the knave his shilling, whereupon he very
+importunately craved another sixpence to drink my health, saying that it
+might be a very long time before he saw me again. Now I happened only to
+have one and fourpence left in the world, and suspecting that I had
+already overpaid him, I resisted further extortion, upon which he became
+more and more clamorous for money, and finding that I was as obstinate
+as he, rested on his oars and declared that, burn him--with many other
+execrations too unseemly to transcribe--he would not pull a stroke
+further. This it seems was by no means an uncommon occurrence among the
+dishonest waterside knaves of those days, and it afforded vast sport to
+a mob of small craft that gathered round, and the people in which
+covered me with ridicule and abuse, calling me a Thames Bilk, and
+advising the waterman to hold me over the side of the boat by the scruff
+of the neck and give me a Ducking. I was in a great Quandary, and knew
+not what to do.
+
+Meanwhile the heavy wherry, which had kept close in our offing, pulled
+almost on board of us, and the coxswain hailed us to know what was the
+matter.
+
+"Here's a Holiday Tailor that would seek to stump a poor waterman of his
+fare," quoth the false scoundrel who was striving to rob me.
+
+"'Tis a base lie!" I cried out; "I gave him a shilling at Westminster
+stairs to row me to the Tower wharf."
+
+"Fare's only fourpence. Shame! shame!" cried one part of the people in
+the small craft.
+
+"He's a Bilk," yelled another part of 'em. "Duck him, Goodman Crabs,
+duck him."
+
+"Stop," cries the coxswain of the wherry, standing up. "It _is_ a shame.
+The poor fellow shan't be put upon. Here, young man, step on board this,
+and we'll land you at the Tower wharf for nothing; and here, waterman,
+take this shilling and be d--d to you, and sheer off before you can cry
+Poor John."
+
+The wherry by this time had got so close on our quarter that, thanking
+the blue-frocked gentlemen for their politeness, I was able to step on
+board the wherry without any difficulty. My thief of a waterman took the
+shilling which was flung to him, and again sticking his tongue in his
+cheek, and grinning in a more unblushing manner than before, pulled
+away. The crowd in the small craft set up a cheer, that had more of
+derision than approbation in it, and I once more heard the cry of "Blue
+Bottles."
+
+These Blue Bottles, however, were as good as their word, for five
+minutes afterwards I was landed safe and sound at the Tower wharf. I
+thanked them all very heartily; but, as I had not enough money to treat
+them all, made bold to confess the narrowness of my means to the
+coxswain, begging that he, at least, would do me the honour to take a
+mug of flip--which could be had, double allowance, for fourpence. He
+clapped me, in reply, on the shoulder in the most friendly manner, and
+said, roast him, that he would not see me put upon; that I was evidently
+a lad of mettle and spirit, and that I should go with him to the
+"Admiral Benbow," on Little Tower Hill, close by, where he would himself
+stand treat for as many mugs of flip or Punch as ever I liked.
+
+He would take no denial to his hospitable proposal, so that I
+accompanied him to the "Admiral Benbow," a snuggish little hostelry,
+about which some half a score more stout fellows in blue frocks were
+lounging. But these I noticed had broad leather belts round their
+waists, in which were stuck pistols, and to which hung cutlasses.
+
+When we had made ourselves comfortable in the little back parlour of the
+"Admiral Benbow" over a steaming jug and a Pipe of Tobacco, my companion
+began to ask me a few questions, to which, with the ingenuous candour of
+youth, I made full replies. I told him that I was a young man seeking my
+fortune, but had as yet come only on very scurvy luck; that I had spent
+all my money; that I had but recently come from foreign parts, and that,
+in despite of finding honest employment, I had made up my mind to list
+for a soldier that very night.
+
+"Don't do that, boy?" cried my friend the coxswain. "Curse pipeclay and
+red blanketing, and the life of a swaddy. The sea, the blue glorious
+sea's the place for a bold heart like you."
+
+I answered that I knew not enough of seamanship to take the place of an
+officer, and that I considered the condition of a common sailor as too
+base for one of my bringing up.
+
+"Ay, ay! you shall be an officer in time, my hearty," answered the
+Coxswain--"Lord High Admiral, for a certainty; but you must creep
+through the hawse-holes first. There's nothing like half-a-dozen cruises
+before the mast for taking the conceit out of a maple-faced
+hobbledehoy."
+
+Whether I was maple-faced or not, I did not stay to argue; but there was
+something about the mahogany face of the coxswain that misliked me much.
+Now that I inspected him closely I recognised in him something of that
+mangonising or slave-dealing expression which is burnt in as with a
+Red-hot Iron upon the countenances of all those whose trade is
+kidnapping and man-stealing. So without more ado I rose to go, thanking
+him for his treat, and saying that if I went to sea it should be at my
+own pleasure and in my own way.
+
+"Stop abit," he answered, rising with me, and putting his back against
+the door--"not so fast, my hearty! King George doesn't allow likely
+young blades to slip through his fingers in this fashion. As you're in
+such a deuce of a hurry, I think we'd better see the Midshipmite."
+
+I measured him with my eye, but at once gave up all thoughts of
+mastering him if I attempted violence in leaving the room. He was taller
+than I, broader across the chest, older, his limbs better knit, and in
+every way the more powerful. He too, I saw, was taking stock of me, and
+marking from my Frame and my Mien that, although young, I was likely to
+prove an Ugly Customer, he outs with a pistol from under his jerkin, and
+holds it to my head with one hand, while with the other he blows a smart
+call upon a silver whistle suspended by a lanyard round his neck.
+
+In a moment the room was full of blue-frocked ruffians; a dozen pistols
+were levelled at my head, a dozen cutlasses drawn menacingly against me.
+Before I knew where I was I was tripped up, knocked down from behind, a
+gag forced into my mouth, and a pair of handcuffs slipped on to my
+wrists.
+
+"No offence, shipmate," said a big fellow with black whiskers, as he
+knelt on my chest and screwed the manacles on so tightly that I gave a
+scream of pain. "We always begin in this here way--we crimps our cod
+before we cooks it. To-morrow morning, when you've had your grog, you'll
+be as gentle as a lamb, and after your first cruise you'll be as ready
+as ere a one of us to come cub-hunting."
+
+Upon this there entered the room he whom the coxswain had spoken of as
+the Midshipmite, and who I rightly conjectured to be in authority over
+these dare-devils. He was a young man wearing his own hair, which was
+bright red. His face was all covered with pimples, and his mouth was
+harelipped from a sword cut. He had canvas bags and grey ribbed hose
+like a common sailor, but his hat was bound with a scrap of dirty gold
+lace; he had a hanger at his side, and on his threadbare blue coat I
+could see the King's button. Withal he was a very precise gentleman, and
+would listen to nothing but facts. He bade his men remove the gag from
+my mouth, and then addressed me.
+
+"The fact of the matter is," says he, "that you've been kicking up a
+devil of a row, and that you'd much better have gone quietly with the
+coxswain."
+
+"Why am I kidnapped? why have you put these footpad bracelets on me?" I
+cried out, passionately.
+
+"The fact of the matter is that we always do it to save time and
+trouble," answered the Midshipmite--"Easy and quiet is the word at the
+'Admiral Benbow.'"
+
+"I'll have the law of you!" I exclaimed, in a rage.
+
+"Exactly so," quoth the Midshipmite, quite politely. "May I ask if
+you're a free-man of the City of London?"
+
+"I am not."
+
+"Precisely so. Are you a waterman, duly entered at your Hall, and all
+arrears paid up, or an apprentice, carrying your indentures with you?"
+
+"I am not, and I don't know what you mean."
+
+"Then the fact of the matter is," said the Midshipmite, with a chuckle,
+"that we've got the law of _you_. The King, God bless him, wants stout
+and gallant hearts to man his fleet, and you're about the likeliest
+young fellow I've seen this week; so the best thing you can do is to go
+willingly on board the Tower Tender, of which I have the honour to be
+second in command. If you won't, the fact of the matter is that we must
+make you."
+
+"But why should I go with you?" I urged.
+
+"The fact of the matter is that you're Pressed," coolly answered the
+Midshipmite, or midshipman, "and if you want to see the warrant, you may
+ask Davy Jones for it, who keeps it under three seals in his locker to
+prevent accidents."
+
+Between listing for a soldier and being pressed for a sailor there was
+not, I take it, much difference. Either way, the chance of a livelihood
+offered itself. But I did not like this violent way of doing things, and
+I told the midshipman so. He merely ordered his blue-frocks to take me
+away. Then I attempted to burst my bonds, and bit, kicked, and
+struggled, so that it took half-a-dozen men to drag me to the door.
+
+"The fact of the matter is," remarked the midshipman, filling himself a
+glass of punch, "that there's always this hullabaloo at the first going
+off, and that you'd better give him One for peace and quietness."
+
+Somebody immediately followed the officer's advice, and gave me One with
+the butt end of a pistol, which nearly clove my skull in twain, and
+certainly made me peaceable and quietness, for it stunned me.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.
+
+          JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF KING GEORGE.
+
+
+IT now becomes expedient for me to pass over no less than Fifteen Years
+of my momentous Career. I am led to do this for divers cogent Reasons,
+two of which I will forthwith lay before my Reader. For the first, let
+me urge a Decent Prudence. It is not, Goodness knows, that I have any
+thing to be ashamed of which should hinder me from giving a Full, True,
+and Particular Account of all the Adventures that befell me in these
+same fifteen Years, with the same Minute Particularity which I bestowed
+upon my Unhappy Childhood, my varied Youth, and stormy Adolescence. I
+did dwell, perhaps, with a fonder circumspection and more scrupulous
+niceness upon those early days, inasmuch as the things we have first
+known and suffered are always more vividly presented to our mind when we
+strive to recall 'em, sitting as old men in the ingle-nook, than are the
+events of complete manhood. Yet do I assure those who have been at the
+pains to scan the chapters that have gone before, that it would be easy
+for me to sit down with the Fidelity of a Ledger-Keeper all the things
+that happened unto me from my eighteenth year, when I last bade them
+leave, and the year 1747, when I had come to be three-and-thirty years
+of age. I remember all: the Ups and Downs; the Crosses and the Runs of
+Luck; the Fortunes and Misfortunes; the Good and the Bad Feasts I sat me
+down to, during an ever-changing and Troublous Period. But, as I have
+said, I have been moved thus to skip over a vast tract of time through
+Prudence. There may have been certain items in my life upon which, now
+that I am respectable and prosperous, I no more care to think of. There
+may be whole pages, close-written and full of Stirring Matter, which I
+have chosen to cancel; there may be occurrences treated of which it is
+best, at this time of Day, to draw a Veil over. Finally, there may be
+Great Personages still Living who would have just cause to be Offended
+were I to tell all I know. The dead belong to all the World, and their
+Bones are oft-times Dug up and made use of by those who in the Flesh
+knew them not; but Famous Persons live to a very Great Age, and it is
+sometimes scandalous to recount what adventures one has had with 'em in
+the days of their hot and rash Youth. Had I permission to publish all I
+am acquainted with, the very Hair upon your Head might stand up in
+Amazement at some of the Matters I could relate:--how Mean and Base the
+Great and Powerful might become; how utterly Despisable some of the most
+Superb and Arrogant Creatures of this our Commonwealth might appear. But
+I am prudent and Hold my Tongue.
+
+Again, and for the Second Reason, I am led to pass over these fifteen
+years through a feeling that is akin to Mercy and Forbearance towards my
+Reader. For I well know how desperately given is John Dangerous to a
+wordy Garrulity--how prone he is to make much of little things, and to
+elevate to the dignity of Important and Commanding Events that which is
+perchance only of the very slightest moment. By Prosing and Amplifying,
+by Moralizing and Digressing, by spinning of yarns and wearing of
+reflections threadbare, I might make a Great Book out of the pettiest
+and most uneventful career; but even in honestly transcribing my actual
+adventures, one by one,--the things I have done, and the Men and Women I
+have known,--I should imperceptibly swell a Narrative, which was at
+first meant to attain no great volume, to most deplorable dimensions.
+And the World will no longer tolerate Huge Chronicles in Folio, whether
+they relate to History, to Love or Adventure, to Voyages and Travels, or
+even to Philosophy, Mechanics, or the Useful Arts. The world wants
+smart, dandy little volumes, as thin as a Herring, and just as Salt. For
+these two reasons, then, do I nerve myself to a sudden leap, and entreat
+you now to think no longer of John Dangerous as a raw youth of eighteen
+summers, but as a sturdy, well-set man of thirty-three.
+
+Yet, lest mine Enemies and other vile Rascal Fellows that go about the
+town taking away the characters of honest people for mere Envy and
+Spitefulness' sake, lest these petty curmudgeons should, in their own
+sly saucy manner, Mop and Mow, and Grin and Whisper, that If I am silent
+as to Fifteen Years of my Sayings and Doings, I have good cause for
+holding my peace,--lest these scurril Slanderers should insinuate that
+during this time I lay in divers Gaols for offences which I dare not
+avow, that I was concerned in Desperate and Unlawful Enterprises which
+brought upon me many Indictments in the King's Courts, or that I was
+ever Pilloried, or held to Bail for contemptible misdemeanours,--I do
+here declare and affirm that for the whole of the time I so pass over I
+earned my bread in a perfectly Honest, Legal, and Honourable Manner, and
+that I never once went out of the limits of the United Kingdom. I have
+heard, indeed, a Ridiculous Tale setting forth that, finding myself
+Destitute in London after the Chaplain, Mr Pinchin, and I had parted
+company, and after escaping from the Pressgang, I enlisted in the Foot
+Guards. The preposterous Fable goes on to say that quickly mastering my
+Drill, and being a favourite with my officers, whom I much pleased with
+my Alacrity and Intelligence, although they were much given to laugh at
+my assumptions of superior Birth, and nicknamed me "Gentleman Jack,"--I
+was promoted to the rank of Corporal, and might have aspired to the
+dignity of a Sergeant's Halbert, but that in a Mad Frolic one night I
+betook myself to the road as a Footpad, and robbed a Gentleman, coming
+from the King's Arms, Kensington, towards the Weigh House at
+Knightsbridge, of fourteen spade guineas, a gold watch, and a
+bottle-screw. And that being taken by the Hue and Cry, and had before
+Justice de Veil then sitting at the Sun Tavern in Bow Street, I should
+have been committed to Newgate, tried, and most likely have swung for
+the robbery, but for the strong intercession of my Captain, who was a
+friend of the Gentleman robbed. That I was indeed enlarged, but was not
+suffered to go scot-free, inasmuch as, being tried by court-martial for
+absence without leave on the night of the gentleman's misfortune, I was
+sentenced to receive three hundred lashes at the halberts. Infamous and
+Absurd calumnies!
+
+Behold me, then, in the beginning of the year 1747 in the Service of his
+Sacred Majesty King George the Second. Behold me, further, installed in
+no common Barrack, mean Guard-house, or paltry Garrison Town, but in one
+of the most famous of his Majesty's Royal Fortresses:--a place that had
+been at once and for centuries (ever since the days of Julius Caesar, as
+I am told) a Palace, a Citadel, and a Prison. In good sooth, I was one
+of the King's Warders, and the place where I was stationed was the
+Ancient and Honourable Tower of London.
+
+Whether I had ever worn the King's uniform before, either in scarlet as
+a Soldier in his armies, or of blue and tarpaulin as a Sailor in his
+Fleets, or of brown as a Riding Officer in his customs,--under which
+guise a man may often have doughty encounters with smugglers that are
+trying to run their contraband cargoes, or to hide their goods in
+farmers' houses,--or of green, as a Keeper in one of the Royal
+Chases,--I absolutely refuse to say. Here I am, or rather here I was, a
+Warder and in the Tower.
+
+I was bravely accoutred. A doublet of crimson cloth, with the crown, the
+Royal Cipher G. R., and a wreath of laurel embroidered in gold, both on
+its back and front; a linen ruff, well plaited, round my neck, sleeves
+puffed with black velvet, trunk-hose of scarlet, rosettes in my slashed
+shoes, and a flat hat with a border of the red and white roses of York
+and Lancaster in satin ribbon,--these made up my costume. There were
+forty of us in the Tower, mounting guard with drawn swords at the
+portcullis gate and at the entrances to the lodgings of such as were in
+hold, and otherwise attending upon unfortunate noblemen and gentlemen
+who were in trouble. On state occasions, when taking prisoners by water
+from the Tower to Westminster, and in preceding the Lieutenant to the
+outward port, we carried Halberts or Partisans with tassels of gold and
+crimson thread. But although our dress was identical, as you may see
+from the prints, with that of the Beef-Eaters, we Tower Warders were of
+a very different kidney to the lazy hangers-on about St. James's. Those
+fellows were Anybodies, Parasites of Back-Stairs favourites, and spies
+and lacqueys, transformed serving-men, butlers past drawing corks,
+grooms and porters, even. They had nothing to do but loiter about the
+antechambers and staircases of St. James's, to walk by the side of his
+Majesty's coach when he went to the Houses of Parliament, or to fight
+with the Marshalmen at Royal Funerals for petty spoils of wax-candles or
+shreds of black hangings. The knaves actually wore wigs, and powdered
+them, as though they had been so many danglers on the Mall. They passed
+their time, when not in requisition about the Court, smoking and
+card-playing in the taverns and mug-houses about Scotland Yard and
+Spring Gardens. They had the run of a few servant-wenches belonging to
+great people, but we did not envy them their sweethearts. Some of them,
+I verily believe, were sunk so low as, when they were not masquerading
+at court, to become tavern-drawers, or ushers and cryers in the courts
+of law about Westminster. A very mean people were these Beef-eaters, and
+they toiled not, neither did they spin, for the collops they ate.
+
+But we brave boys of the Tower earned both our Beef and our Bread, and
+the abundant Beer and Strong Waters with which we washed our victuals
+down. We were military men, almost all. Some of us had fought at
+Blenheim or Ramilies--these were the veterans: the very juniors had made
+the French Maison du Roy scamper, or else crossed bayonets with the
+Irish Brigade (a brave body of men, but deplorably criminal in carrying
+arms against a Gracious and Clement Prince) in some of those well-fought
+German Fields, in which His Royal Highness the Duke and my Lord George
+Sackville (since Germaine, and my very good friend and Patron) covered
+themselves with immortal glory. Nay some of us, One of us at least, had
+fought and bled, to the amazement of his comrades and the admiration of
+his commanders,--never mind where. 'Tis not the luck of every soldier to
+have had his hand wrung by the Great Duke of Cumberland, or to have been
+presented with ten guineas to drink his health withal by Field-Marshal
+Wade. We would have thought it vile poltroonery and macaronism to have
+worn wigs--to say nothing of powder--unless, indeed, the peruke was a
+true Malplaquet club or Dettingen scratch.
+
+Our duties were no trifling ones, let me assure you. The Tower, as a
+place of military strength, was well looked after by the Regiment of
+Foot Guards and the Companies of Artillery that did garrison duties on
+its ramparts and the foot of its drawbridges; but to us was confided a
+charge much more onerous, and the custody of things much more precious.
+We had other matters to mind besides seeing that stray dogs did not
+venture on to the Tower Green, that dust did not get into the cannon's
+mouths, or that Grand Rounds received proper salutes. Was not the
+Imperial Crown of England in our keeping? Had we not to look after the
+Royal diadem, the orb, the sceptre, the Swords of Justice and of Mercy,
+and the great parcel-gilt Salt Cellar that is moulded in the likeness of
+the White Tower itself? Did it not behove us to keep up a constant care
+and watchfulness, lest among the curious strangers and country cousins
+who trudged to the Jewel House to see all that glittering and golden
+finery, and who gave us shillings to exhibit them, there might be
+lurking some Rogue as dishonest and as desperate as that Colonel Blood
+who so nearly succeeded in getting away with the crown and other
+valuables in King Charles the Second's time. Oh! I warrant you that we
+kept sharp eyes on the curious strangers and the country cousins, and
+allowed them not to go too near the grate behind which were those
+priceless baubles.
+
+But another charge had we, I trow. Of all times had this famous fortress
+of the Tower of London been a place of hold for the King's prisoners.
+Felons, nor cutpurses, nor wantons suffered we indeed in our precincts,
+nor gave we the hospitality of dungeons to; but of state prisoners,
+noblemen and gentlemen in durance for High Treason, or for other
+offences against the Royal State and Prerogative, had we always a
+plentiful store. Some of the greatest Barons--the proudest names in
+England--have pined their lives away within the Tower's inexorable
+walls. Walls! why there were little dungeons and casemates built in the
+very thickness of those huge mural stones. In ancient days I have heard
+that foul deeds were common in the fortress--that princes were done to
+Death here--notably the two poor Royal infants that the wicked Richard
+of Gloucester bid his hell-hounds smother and bury at the foot of the
+stairs in that building which has ever since gone by the name of the
+Bloody Tower. So, too, I am afraid it is a true bill that Torture was in
+the bad old days indiscriminately used towards both gentle and simple in
+some gloomy underground places in this said Tower. I have heard of a
+Sworn Tormentor and his assistants, whose fiendish task it was to
+torture poor creatures' souls out of their miserable bodies, and of a
+Chirurgeon who had to watch lest the agonies used upon 'em should be
+too much for human endurance, and so, putting 'em out of their misery,
+rob the headsman of his due, the scaffold of its prey, and the vile
+mobile that congregate at public executions of their raree show. Of
+"Scavenger's Daughters," Backs, Thumbscrews, iron boots, and wedges, and
+other horrible engines of pain, I have heard many dismal tales told; but
+all had long fallen into disuse before my time. The last persons
+tortured within the Tower walls were, I believe, Colonel Faux (Guido)
+and his confederates, for their most abominable Gunpowder Plot, which
+was to put an end to the Protestant Religion and the illustrious House
+of Stuart at one fell blow; but happily came to nothing, through the
+prudence of my Lord Monteagle, and the well-nigh superhuman sagacity of
+his Majesty King James the First. Guy and his accomplices they tortured
+horribly; and did not even give 'em the honour of being beheaded on
+Tower Hall,--they being sent away as common traitors to Old Palace Yard
+(close to the scene of their desperately meditated but fortunately
+abortive crime), and there half-hanged, cut down while yet warm,
+disembowelled, their Hearts and Inwards taken out and burnt by Gregory
+(that was hangman then, and that, as Gregory Brandon, had a coat-of-arms
+given him as a gentleman, through a fraud practised upon Garter King),
+and their mangled bodies--their heads severed--cut into quarters, well
+coated with pitch, and stuck upon spikes over London Bridge, east
+Portcullis, Ludgate, Temple Bar, and other places of public resort,
+according to the then bloody-minded custom, and the statute in that case
+made and provided. But after Colonel Guido Faux, Back, Thumbscrews,
+boots, and wedges, and Scavenger's daughters fell into a decline, from
+which, thank God, they have never, in this fair realm of England,
+recovered. I question even if the Jesuit Garnett and his fellows, albeit
+most barbarously executed, were tortured in prison; but it is certain
+that when Felton killed the Duke of Bucks at Portsmouth, and was taken
+red-handed, the Courtiers, Parasites, and other cruel persons that were
+about the King, would fain have had him racked; but the public,--which
+by this time had begun to inquire pretty sharply about Things of
+State,--cried out that Felton should not be tormented (their not loving
+the Duke of Bucks too much may have been one reason for their wishing
+some degree of leniency to be shown to the assassin), and the opinion of
+the Judges being taken, those learned Persons, in full court of King's
+Bench assembled, decided that Torture was contrary to the Law of
+England, and could not legally be used upon any of the King's subjects
+howsoever guilty he might have been.
+
+But I confess that when I first took up service as a Tower Warder, and
+gazed upon those horrible implements of Man's cruelty and
+hard-heartedness collected in the Armoury, I imagined with dismay that,
+all rusty as they had grown, there might be occasions for them to be
+used upon the persons of unfortunate captives. For I had lived much
+abroad, and knew what devilish freaks were often indulged in by
+arbitrary and unrestrained power. But my comrades soon put my mind at
+ease, and pointed out to me that few, very few, of these instruments of
+Anguish were of English use or origin at all; but that the great
+majority of these wicked things were from among the spoils of the Great
+Armada, when the proud Spaniards, designing to invade this free and
+happy country with their monstrous Flotilla of Caravels and Galleons,
+provided numerous tools of Torture for despitefully using the Heretics
+(as they called them) who would not obey the unrighteous mandates of a
+foreign despot, or submit to the domination (usurped) of the Bishop of
+Rome. And so tender indeed of the bodies of the King's prisoners had the
+Tower authorities become, that the underground dungeons were now never
+used, commodious apartments being provided for the noblemen and
+gentlemen in hold: and a pretty penny they had to pay for their
+accommodation; five guineas a day, besides warder and gentlemen gaolers'
+fees, being the ordinary charge for a nobleman, and half that sum for a
+knight and private esquire. Besides this, the Lieutenant of the Tower
+had a gratuity of thirty pounds from every peer that came into his
+custody, and twenty pounds for every gentleman writing himself
+_Armiger_, and in default could seize upon their cloaks: whence arose a
+merry saying--"best go to the Tower like a peeled carrot than come forth
+like one."
+
+There were even no chains used in this state prison; of fetters and
+manacles we had indeed a plenitude, all of an antique pattern and
+covered with rust; but no irons such as are put upon their prisoners by
+vulgar gaolers in Newgate and elsewhere. I have heard say, that when
+poor Counsellor Layer, that was afterwards hanged, drawn, and quartered
+as a Jacobite, and his head stuck atop of Temple Bar hard by his own
+chambers,--was first brought for safer custody to the Tower, breakings
+out of Newgate having been common, the Government sent down word that,
+as a deep-dyed conspirator and desperate rebel, he was to be
+double-ironed. Upon this Mr. Lieutenant flies into a mighty heat, and
+taking boat to Whitehall, waits on Mr. Secretary at the Cockpit, and
+tells him plainly that such an indignity towards his Majesty's prisoners
+in the Tower was never heard of, that no such base modes of coercion as
+chains or bilboes had ever been known in use since the reign of King
+Charles I., and that the King's warders were there to see that the
+prisoners did not attempt Evasion. To which Mr. Secretary answered, with
+a grim smile, that notwithstanding all the keenness of the watch and
+ward, he had often heard of prisoners escaping from durance in the
+Tower, notably mentioning the case of my Lord Nithesdale, who escaped in
+his lady's clothes, and without more ado informed the Lieutenant that
+Counsellor Layer must be chained as directed, even if the chains had to
+be forged expressly for him. Upon which Mr. Lieutenant took a very surly
+leave of the Great Man, cursing him as he comes down the steps for a
+Thief-catcher and Tyburn purveyor, and sped him to Newgate, where he
+borrowed a set of double-irons from the Peachum or Lockit, or whatever
+the fellow's name it was that kept that Den of Thieves. And even then,
+when they had gotten the chains to the Tower, none of the warders knew
+how to put them on, or cared to sully their fingers with such hangman's
+work; and so they were fain to have a blacksmith with his anvil, and a
+couple of turnkeys down from Newgate, to rivet the chains upon the poor
+gentleman's limbs; he being at the time half dead of a Strangury; but so
+cruel was justice in those days.
+
+When I first came to the Tower, we had but few prisoners; for it was
+before the Great Rebellion of the 'Forty-five; and for a few years
+previous the times had been after a manner quiet. Now and then some
+notorious Jacobite, Seminarist, or seditious person was taken up; but he
+was rarely of sufficient importance to be confined in our illustrious
+Prison; and was either had to Newgate, or else incarcerated in the
+lodgings of a King's Messenger till his examinations were over, and he
+was either committed or Enlarged. These Messengers kept, in those days,
+a kind of Sponging Houses for High Treason, where Gentlemen Traitors who
+were not in very great peril lived, as it were, at an ordinary, and paid
+much dearer for their meat and lodging than though they had been at some
+bailiffs lock-up in Cursitor Street, or Tooke's Court, or at the Pied
+Bull in the Borough. We had, it is true, for a long time a Romanist
+Bishop that was suspected of being in correspondence with St. Germain's,
+and lay for a long time under detention. He was a merry old soul, and
+most learned man; would dine very gaily with Mr. Lieutenant, or his
+deputy, or the Fort Major, swig his bottle of claret, and play a game
+of tric-trac afterwards; and it was something laughable to watch the
+quiet cunning way in which he would seek to Convert us Warders who had
+the guarding of him to the Romanist faith. They let him out at last upon
+something they called a _Nolle prosequi_ of the Attorney-General, or
+some suchlike dignitary of the law--which _nolle prosequi_ I take to be
+a kind of _habeas corpus_ for gentlefolks. He was as liberal to us when
+he departed as his means would allow; for I believe that save his
+cassock, his breviary, a gold cross round his neck, and episcopal ring,
+and a portmantel full of linen, the old gentleman had neither goods nor
+chattels in the wide world: indeed, we heard that the Lieutenant lent
+him, on leaving, a score of gold pieces, for friendship-sake, to
+distribute among us. But he went away--to foreign parts, I infer--with
+flying colours; for every body loved the old Bishop, all Romanist and
+suspected Jacobite as he was.
+
+Then came that dreadful era of rebellion of which I have spoken, and we
+Tower Warders found that our holiday time was over. Whilst the war still
+raged in Scotland, scarcely a day passed without some person of
+consequence being brought either by water to Traitor's Gate, or by a
+strong escort of Horse and Foot to the Tower Postern; not for active
+participation in the Rebellion, but as a measure of safety, and to
+prevent worse harm being done. And many persons of consequence, trust
+me, saved their heads by being laid by the heels for a little time while
+the hue and cry was afoot, and Habeas Corpus suspended. Fast bind, safe
+find, is a true proverb; and you may thank your stars, even if your
+enemies have for a time bound you with chains and with links of iron,
+if, when the stormy season has gone past, you find your head still safe
+on your shoulders. Now it was a great Lord who was brought to the Tower,
+and from whom Mr. Lieutenant did not forget to claim his thirty-pound
+fee on entrance; for "here to-day, gone to-morrow," he reasoned, and so
+shot his game as soon as he had good parview of the same. Now it was
+some Cheshire or Lancashire Squire, snatched away from his Inn, at the
+Hercules' Pillars, or the Catherine Wheel in the Borough, as being
+vehemently suspected of Jacobitism. These gentlemen mostly took their
+captivity in a very cheerful and philosophical manner. They would call
+for a round of spiced beef, a tankard of ale, and a pipe of tobacco, so
+soon as ever they were fairly bestowed in their lodgings; drank to the
+King--taking care not to let us know whether his name began with a G or
+a J, with many jovial ha-has, and were as happy as the day was long, so
+it seemed to us, if they had but a pack of cards and a volume of the
+Gentleman's Recreation, or Academy of Field Sports. What bowls of punch,
+too, they would imbibe o' nights, and what mad carouses they would have!
+Such roaring Squires as these would have been much better bestowed in
+the Messengers' Houses; but these were all full, likewise the common
+gaols; nay, the debtors' prisons and vile sponging-houses were taken up
+by Government for the temporary incarceration of suspected persons.
+
+How well do I remember the dreadful amazement and consternation which
+broke over this city when the news came that the Prince--I mean the
+Pretender--had utterly routed the King's troops commanded by Sir John
+Cope at Prestonpans; that the Misguided Young Man had entered
+Edinborough at the head of a furious mob of Highlandmen, whose
+preposterous style of dress I never could abide, and who in those days
+we Southrons held as being very little better than painted Savages; that
+the ladies of the Scottish capital had all mounted the white cockade,
+and were embroidering scarves for the Pretender and his officers, and
+that the Castle of Edinborough alone held out 'gainst this monstrous
+uprising to destroy authority! But how much greater was the Dismay in
+London when we learnt that the Rebels, not satisfied with their
+conquests in his Majesty's Scottish Dominions, had been so venturous as
+to invade England itself, and had actually advanced so far as the
+trading town of Derby! Then did those who had been long, albeit
+obscurely, suspected of Jacobitism, come forth from their lurking holes
+and corners, and almost openly avow their preference for the House of
+Stuart. Then did very many respectable persons, formerly thought to be
+excellently well affected towards King George's person and Government,
+become waverers, or prove themselves the Turncoats they had always, in
+secret, been, and seditiously prophesy that the days of the Hanoverian
+dynasty were numbered. Then did spies and traitors abound, together with
+numbers of alarming rumours, that the Chevalier had advanced as far as
+Barnet on the Great North Road; that his Majesty was about to convey
+himself away to Hanover; that the Duke of Cumberland was dead; that
+barrels of gunpowder had been discovered in the Crypt beneath
+Guildhall, and in the vaults of the Chapel Royal; that mutiny was rife
+among the troops; that the Bank of England was about to break, with
+sundry other distracting reports and noises.
+
+Of course authority did all it could to reassure the public mind, tossed
+in a most tempestuous manner as it was by conflicting accounts.
+Authority bestirred itself to put down seditious meetings by
+proclamation, and to interdict residence in the capital to all known
+Papists; whereby several most estimable Catholic gentlemen (as many
+there be of that old Faith) were forced to leave their Town Houses, and
+betake themselves to mean and inconvenient dwellings in the country. The
+gates of Temple Bar were now shut, on sudden alarms, two or three times
+a week; as though the closing of these rotten portals could in any way
+impede the progress of rebellion, or do any thing more than further to
+hamper the already choked-up progress of the streets. The Lord Mayor was
+mighty busy calling out the Train-bands, and having them drilled in
+Moorfields, for the defence of the City; and a mighty fine show those
+citizen soldiers would have made no doubt to the bare-legged
+Highlandmen, had they come that way. The Guards at all the posts at the
+Court end of the town were doubled, and we at the Tower put ourselves
+into a perfect state of defence. Cannon were run out; matches kept
+lighted; whole battalions maintained under arms; munitions and
+provisions of war laid in, as though to withstand a regular siege;
+drawbridges pulled up and portcullises lowered, with great clanking of
+chains and gnashing of old iron teeth;--and rich sport it was to see
+those old rust-eaten engines once more brought into gear again.
+
+But, as the Wise Man saith that a soft answer turneth away wrath, so do
+we often find that a merry word spoken in season will do more than all
+your Flaming Ordinances, and Terrific Denunciations of Fire and Sword.
+And although at this time (beginning of the year 1746) authority very
+properly exerted itself to procure obedience to the constitution, by
+instilling Awe into men's minds, and did breathe nothing in its official
+documents but heading, hanging, and quartering, with threats of
+bombardments, free quarters, drum-head courts-martial, chains, gags,
+fines, imprisonment, and sequestration,--yet I question whether so much
+good was done by these towards the stability of the cause of the
+Protestant Religion and King George, or so much harm to that of the
+Pretender, Popery, brass money, and wooden shoes, as by a little series
+of Pamphlets put forth by the witty Mr. Henry Fielding, a writer of
+plays and novels then much in vogue; but a sad loose fish, although he
+afterwards, as I am told, did good service to the State as one of the
+justices of peace for Middlesex, and helped to put down many notorious
+gangs of murderers, highwaymen, and footpads infesting the metropolis.
+This Mr. Fielding--whom his intimates used to call Harry, and whom I
+have often seen lounging in the Temple Gardens, or about the
+gaming-houses in St. James's Street, and whom I have often met, I grieve
+to say, in the very worst of company under the Piazzas in Covent Garden
+much overtaken in liquor, and his fine Lace clothes and curled periwig
+all besmirched and bewrayed after a carouse--took up the Hanoverian
+cause very hotly,--having perhaps weighty reasons for so doing--and,
+making the very best use of his natural gifts and natural weapons,
+namely, a very strong and caustic humour, with most keen and trenchant
+satire, did infinite harm to the Pretender's side by laughing at him and
+his adherents. He published, probably at the charges of authority,--for
+he was a needy gentleman, always in love, in liquor, or in debt,--a
+paper called the _True Patriot_, in which the Jacobites were most
+mercilessly treated. Notably do I recall a sort of sham diary or
+almanack, purporting to be written by an honest tradesman of the City
+during the predicted triumph of the Pretender, and in which such
+occurrences were noted down as London being at the mercy of Highlanders
+and Friars; Walbrook church and many others being razed to the ground;
+Father O'Blaze, a Dominican, exulting over it; Queen Anne's statue at
+Paul's taken away, and a large Crucifix erected in its place; the Bank,
+South-Sea, India Houses, &c. converted into convents; Father Macdagger,
+the Royal confessor, preaching at St. James's; three Anabaptists hung at
+Tyburn, attended by their ordinary, Mr. Machenly (a grotesque name for
+the ranting fellow who was wont to be known as Orator Henley); Father
+Poignardini, an Italian Jesuit, made Privy-Seal; four Heretics burnt in
+Smithfield; the French Ambassador made a Duke, with precedence; Cape
+Breton given back to the French, with Gibraltar and Port Mahon to the
+Spaniards; the Pope's nuncio entering London, and the Lord Mayor and
+Aldermen kissing his feet; an office opened in Drury Lane for the sale
+of papistical Pardons and Indulgences; with the like prophecies
+calculated to arouse the bigotry of the lower and middle orders, and to
+lash them into a religious as well as a political frenzy. For a cry of
+"No Popery" has ever acted upon a true-born Englishman as a red rag
+does on a bull. Perhaps the thing that went best down of all Mr.
+Fielding's drolleries, and tickled the taste of the town most amazingly,
+was the passage where he made his honest London tradesman enter in his
+diary to this effect: "My little boy Jacky taken ill of the itch. He had
+been on the parade with his godfather the day before to see the Life
+Guards, and had just touched one of their plaids." One of the King's
+Ministers said long afterwards that this passage touching the itch was
+worth two regiments of horse to the cause of Government. At this
+distance of time one doesn't see much wit in a scurrilous lampoon, of
+which the gist was to taunt one's neighbours with being afflicted with a
+disease of the skin: and, indeed, the lower ranks of English were, in
+those days, anything but free from similar ailments, and, in London at
+least, were in their persons and manners inconceivably filthy. But 'tis
+astonishing what a mark you can make with a coarse jest, if you only go
+far enough, and forswear justice and decency.
+
+Strange but true is it to remark that, in the midst of all such
+tremendous convulsions as wars, battles, sieges, rebellions, and other
+martial conflagrations, men and women and children do eat and drink, and
+love and marry, and beget other babes of humanity, and at last Die and
+turn to dust, precisely as though the world--or rather the concerns of
+that gross Orb--were all going on in their ordinary jog-trot manner.
+Although from day to day we people in London knew not whether before the
+sun set the dreaded pibroch of the Highland Clans might not be heard at
+Charing Cross, and the barbarian rout of Caterans that formed the
+Prince,--I mean the Chevalier,--I mean the Pretender's Army, scattered
+all about the City, plundering our Chattels, and ravaging our fair
+English homes; although, for aught men knew, another month, nay another
+week, might see King George the Second toppled from his Throne, and King
+James the Third installed, with his Royal Highness Charles Edward
+Prince of Wales as Regent; although it was but a toss-up whether the
+Archbishop of Canterbury should not be ousted from Lambeth by a Popish
+Prelate, and the whole country reduced to Slavery and Bankruptcy;--yet
+to those who lived quiet lives, and kept civil tongues in their heads,
+all things went on pretty much as usual: and each day had its evil, and
+sufficient for the day was the evil thereof. That the Highlandmen were
+at Derby did not prevent the Hostess of the Stone Kitchen--that famous
+Tavern in the Tower--from bringing in one's reckoning and insisting on
+payment. That there was consternation at St. James's, with the King
+meditating flight and the Royal Family in tears and swooning, did not
+save the little schoolboy a whipping if he knew not his lesson at
+morning call. It will be so, I suppose, until the end of the world. We
+must needs eat and drink, and feel heat and cold, and marry or be given
+in marriage, whatsoever party prevail, and whatsoever King carries crown
+and sceptre; and however dreadful the crisis, we must have our Dinners,
+and fleas will bite us, and corns pinch our Feet. So while all the
+Public were talking about the Rebellion, all the world went nevertheless
+to the Playhouses, where they played loyal Pieces and sang "God save
+great George our King" every night; as also to Balls, Ridottos, Clubs,
+Masquerades, Drums, Routs, Concerts, and Pharaoh parties. They read
+Novels and flirted their fans, and powdered and patched themselves, and
+distended their coats with hoops, just as though there were no such
+persons in the world as the Duke of Cumberland and Charles Edward
+Stuart. And in like manner we Warders in the Tower, though ready for any
+martial emergency that might turn up, were by no means unnecessarily
+afeard or distraught with anxiety; but ate and drank our fill, joked the
+pretty girls who came to see the shows in the Tower, and trailed our
+halberts in our usual jovial devil-me-care manner, as true Cavaliers,
+Warders in the service of his Majesty the King, should do.
+
+By and by came the news of Stirling and Falkirk, after the disastrous
+retreat of the Highlandmen back into England. And then happened that
+short but tremendous fight of Drummossie Moor, commonly called the
+Battle of Culloden, where claymores and Lochaber axes clashed and
+glinted for the last time against English broadswords and bayonets.
+After this was what was called the pacification of the Highlands,
+meaning that the Duke and his dragoons devastated all before them with
+fire and sword; and then "retributive justice" had its turn, and the
+work of the Tower Warders began in earnest.
+
+Poor creatures! theirs was a hard fate. At Carlisle, at Manchester, at
+Tyburn, and at Kennington Common, London, how many unhappy persons
+suffered death in its most frightful form, to say nothing of the
+unspeakable ignominy of being dragged on a hurdle to the place of
+execution, and mangled in the most horrible manner by the Hangman's
+butcherly knife, merely because they held that King James, and not King
+George, was the rightful sovereign of these realms! Is there in all
+History--at least insomuch as it touches our sentiments and feelings--a
+more lamentable and pathetic narration than the story of Jemmy Dawson?
+This young man, Mr. James Dawson by name,--for by the endearing
+aggravative of Jemmy he is only known in Mr. William Shenstone's
+charming ballad (the gentleman that lived at the Leasowes, and writ the
+Schoolmistress, among other pleasing pieces, and spent so much money
+upon Ornamental Gardening),--this Mr. James Dawson, I say, was the son
+of highly reputable parents, dwelling, by some, 'tis said, in the county
+of Lancashire, by others, in the county of Middlesex. At all events, his
+father was a Gentleman of good estate, who strove hard to bring up his
+son in the ways of piety and virtue. But the youth was wild and froward,
+and would not listen to the sage Counsels that were continually given
+him. After the ordinary grammar-school education, during which course he
+much angered his teachers,--less by his reckless and disobedient conduct
+than by his perverse flinging away of his opportunities, and manifest
+ignoring of the parts with which he had been gifted by Heaven,--he was
+sent to the University of Oxford to complete the curriculum of studies
+necessary to make him a complete gentleman. And I have heard, indeed,
+that he was singularly endowed with the properties requisite for the
+making of that very rare animal:--that he was quick, ready, generous,
+warm-hearted, skilful, and accomplished,--that he rode, and drove, and
+shot, and fenced, and swam, and fished in that marvellously finished
+manner only possible to those who seem to have been destined by a
+capricious Fate to do so well that which they have never learned to do.
+And at college, who but Jemmy Dawson--who but he? For a wicked prank, or
+a mad carouse; for a trick to be played on a proctor, or a kiss to be
+taken by stealth,--who such a Master of Arts as our young Undergraduate?
+But at his lectures and chapels and repetitions he was (although always
+with a vast natural capacity) an inveterate Idler; and he did besides so
+continually violate and outrage the college rules and discipline, that
+his Superiors, after repeated admonitions, gatings, impositions, and
+rustications (which are a kind of temporary banishment), were at last
+fain solemnly to expel him from the University. Upon which his father
+discarded him from his house, vowing that he would leave his broad acres
+(which were not entailed) to his Nephew, and bidding him go to the
+Devil; whither he accordingly proceeded, but by a very leisurely and
+circuitous route. But the young Rogue had already made a more perilous
+journey than this, for he had fallen in Love with a young Madam of
+exceeding Beauty, and of large Fortune in her own right, the daughter of
+a neighbouring Baronet. And she, to her sorrow, poor soul, became as
+desperately enamoured of this young Scapegrace, and would have run away
+with him, I have no doubt, had he asked her, but for a spark of honour
+which still remained in that reckless Heart, and forbade his linking the
+young girl, all good and pure as she was, to so desperate a life as his.
+And so he went wandering for a time up and down the country, swaggering
+with his boon companions, and pawning his Father's credit in whatsoever
+inns and pothouses he came unto, until, in the beginning of that fatal
+year '46, he must needs find himself at Manchester without a Shilling in
+his pocket, or the means of raising one. It was then the time that the
+town of Manchester had been captured, in the Pretender's interest, by a
+Scots Sergeant and a Wench; and the notorious Colonel Towneley was about
+raising the Manchester Regiment of Lancashire Lads to fight for Prince
+Charlie. Desperate Jemmy Dawson enlisted under Towneley; and soon, being
+a young fellow of good figure and shining talents, was made a Captain.
+But the ill-fated Manchester Regiment was ere long broken up; and Jemmy
+Dawson, with Colonel Towneley himself, and many other of the officers,
+were captured. They were all tried at the Assizes held after the Assizes
+at St. Margaret's Hill, Southwark; and James Dawson, being convicted of
+high treason, was sentenced to the usual horrible punishment for that
+offence. He was drawn on a hurdle to Kennington Common; he was hanged,
+disembowelled, and quartered; but the young Madam of whom I have spoken
+was true to him unto the last. For many days following the sentence she
+vainly solicited his pardon; but finding all useless, she on the fatal
+morning (having trimmed a shroud for him overnight, in which, poor Soul,
+his mangled remains were not to rest) followed him in a Mourning Coach
+to Kennington Common. She saw the Dreadful Tragedy played out to its
+very last Act; and then she just turned on her Side in the Coach, and
+with a soft Murmur, breathing Jemmy's Name, she Died. Surely a story so
+piteous as this needs no comment. And by Heaven it is True!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE NINTH.
+
+          REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME
+          FURTHER SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO
+          BUSINESS ON MY OWN ACCOUNT.
+
+
+MEMORANDUM.--About a year before the Rebellion, as the Earl of
+Kilmarnock was one day walking in his Garden, he was suddenly alarmed
+with a fearful Shriek, which, while he was reflecting on with
+Astonishment, was soon after repeated. On this he went into the House,
+and inquired of his Lady and all the Servants, but could not discover
+from whom or whence the Cry proceeded; but missing his Lady's Woman, he
+was informed that she was gone into an Upper Room to inspect some Linen.
+Whereupon the Earl and his Lady went up and opened the Door, which was
+only latched. But no sooner did the Gentlewoman within set eyes on his
+Lordship's face than she fainted away. When, proper aid being given to
+her, she was brought to herself, they asked her the meaning of what they
+had heard and seen. She replied, that while she sat sewing some Linen
+she had taken up to mend, the Door opened of itself, and a _Bloody Head_
+entered the Room, and rolled upon the Floor; that this dreadful Sight
+had made her cry out, and then the Bloody Head disappeared; that in a
+few Moments she saw the same frightful Apparition again, on which she
+repeated her Shrieks; and at the third time she fainted away, but was
+just recovered when she saw his Lordship coming in, which had made the
+Impression on her they had been witness of.
+
+This Relation given by the affrighted Gentlewoman was only laughed at
+and ridiculed as the Effect of Spleen-Vapours, or the Frenzy of a
+deluded Imagination, and was thought no more of, till one Night, when
+the Earl of Kilmarnock, sitting round a Bowl by the Winter Fire with my
+Lord Galloway,--and it is at such a Time that men are most prone to
+fall-to telling of Ghost Stories,--and their Lordships' conversation
+turning on Spectres and Apparitions, the vulgar notions of which they
+were deriding, the terrible tale of the Bloody Head was brought up, and
+then dismissed as the idle fancy of a Hoity-toity Tirewoman. But after
+Kilmarnock had engaged in the Rebellion, and Lord Galloway was told of
+it, he instantly recollected this Story, and said, "I will wager a dozen
+Magnums of Claret, and my best Silver-laced Justaucorps, that my Lord
+Kilmarnock will lose his Head."
+
+Nobody took his bet, not daring thus to trifle with the lives of the
+Quality; but that Scots Lord lost his Head, notwithstanding; and I saw
+it cut off on Tower Hill in the latter summer of the year '46.
+
+This story of the Bloody Head was common Talk among us Warders at the
+time,--who were full as superstitious as other Folks, you may be sure.
+Many such Legends are there, too, current of Persons who were to die
+Violent Deaths at the hands of the Public Executioner, being forewarned
+many years before of their Impending Fate. And sometimes hath the
+Monition come nearer to the Catastrophe, as in the case of K. C. the
+1st, who, entering Westminster Hall at that Unnatural Assize presided
+over by Bradshaw, the Gold Head fell off his Walking-Staff, and rolled
+on the Pavement of the Hall among the Soldiers; nor, when it was
+restored to him, could any Efforts of his make it remain on. Also it is
+said of my Lord Derwentwater, that the last time he went a hunting in
+the north, before he joined the Old Chevalier of St. George, his
+whippers-in unearthed a litter of Fox-cubs, every one of which Vermin
+had been born without Heads. And as well authenticated is it, that when
+my Lord Balmerino (that suffered on Tower Hill with the Earl of
+Kilmarnock) was coming back condemned to Death from his Trial before
+his Peers at Westminster, his Lordship being of a merry, Epicurean
+temper, and caring no more for Death than a Sailor does for a wet Shirt,
+stopped the coach at a Fruiterer's at Charing Cross, where he must needs
+ask Mr. Lieutenant's Attendant to buy him some Honey-Blobbs, which is
+the Scottish name for ripe Gooseberries.
+
+"And King Geordie maun pay for the bit fruitie; for King James's auld
+soldier has nae siller of his ain save twa guineas for Jock Headsman,"
+quoth he in his jocular manner, meaning that those about him must pay
+for the Gooseberries; for indeed this Lord was very poor, and I have
+heard was, when in town, so much driven as to borrow money from the man
+who keeps the Tennis-court in James Street, Haymarket.
+
+Well, it so happened that the Season was a backward one; and the
+Fruiterer sends his duty out to his Lordship, saying that he has no ripe
+Gooseberries, but that of green ones he has a store, to which that
+unfortunate Nobleman is heartily welcome.
+
+"I'll e'en try one," says my Lord; and from a Punnet they brought him he
+picks a Green Gooseberry; when, wonderful to relate, it swells in his
+hand to the bigness at least of an egg-plum, and turns the colour of
+Blood. "The de'il's in the Honey-Blobb," cries my Lord in a tiff, and
+flings it out of window, where it made a great red stain on the
+pavement.
+
+And this the Warder who stood by, and the Messenger who was in the coach
+itself, told me.
+
+Less need is there to speak of such strange adventures as my Lady
+Nithisdale's child (that was born soon after her Lord's escape from the
+Tower, in which, with such a noble valour and self-sacrifice, she aided
+him) being brought into the World with a broad Axe figured, as though by
+a Limner, on its Neck; or of the Countess of Cromartie's infant (she
+likewise Lay-in while the Earl was under sentence) having a thin red
+line or thread right round its neck. These things are perhaps to be
+accounted more as Phenomena of nature than as ominous prognostications,
+and I so dismiss 'em. But it is worth while to note that, for all the
+good authority we have of Lord Kilmarnock's Waiting-woman being
+affrighted by the vision of a Bloody Head, the story itself, or at least
+something germane to it, is as old as the Hills. During my travels in
+Sweden, I was told of a very strange mischance that had happened to one
+of their Kings who was named Charles;--but Charles the what, I do
+confess I know not;--who walking one evening in his garden, saw all at
+once a Wing of the Palace, that had been shut up and deserted for Twenty
+years, all blazing with Light from the Windows, as for some great
+Festival. And his Majesty, half suspecting this might be some
+Masquerading prank on the part of the Court Ladies, and half afraid that
+there was mischief in it, drew his Sword, and calling upon a brace of
+his Gentlemen to follow him, stave in a door and came into a Great Old
+Hall, that was the principal apartment in the said Wing. And at the
+upper End, where the ancient Throne of his ancestors was long since gone
+to Rags and Tatters, and abandoned to Dust and Cobwebs, he saw, sitting
+on the chair of Estate, and crowned, a little child that was then but a
+boy--the Duke of Sudermania. And lo! as he gazed upon him a Dreadful
+Ball, that seemed fashioned in the similitude of his own Head, showed
+itself under the Throne, rolled down the steps, and so came on to his
+very Feet, where it stopped, splashing his Boots unto the very ankle
+with Gore. The tale of the Bloody Boots, as 'tis called, is still quite
+familiar to every Nurse in Sweden; but I never heard how it ended, or
+whether King Charles had his Head cut off in the Long-run; but every
+Swede will swear to the Story; and as for the Boots, I have heard that
+they are to be seen, with the dark brown stains of the Blood still upon
+'em, in a glass case at the House of one Mr. Herdstroem, who sells Aqua
+Vitae over the Milliner's in the Bogbindersgade at Stockholm.
+
+'Twas in the summer of 1747 that I put off my Warder's dress for good
+and all, the Rebellion being by this time quite Dead and crushed out;
+but before I laid down my halbert 'twas my duty to assist at the
+crowning consummation of that disastrous Tragedy. One of the Prime
+Traitors in the Scottish Risings had been, it is well known, the
+notorious Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, of Castle Downie, in Scotland, then
+come to be Eighty years old, and as atrocious an old Villain as ever
+lived, but so cunning that he cheated the Gallows for three quarters of
+a century, and died like a Gentleman, by the Axe, at last. He had been
+mixed up in every plot for the bringing back of King James ever since
+the Old Chevalier's Father gave up the Ghost at St. Germain's, yet had
+somehow managed to escape scot-free from Attainder and Confiscation.
+Even in the '45, when he sent the Clan Fraser to join the Young
+Chevalier, he tried his best to make his poor Son, the Master of Lovat
+(a very virtuous and gallant young Gentleman), the scapegoat for his
+misdeeds, playing Fast and Loose between France and the Jacobites on
+one side, and the Lord Justice Clerk and the King's Government on the
+other. But Justice had him on the hip at last, and the old Fox was
+caught. They brought him to London by Easy Stages, as he was, or
+pretended to be, mighty Infirm; and while he was resting at an Inn at
+St. Alban's, Mr. Hogarth the Painter (whom I have seen many a time
+smoking a pipe and making Caricatures of the Company at the Tavern he
+used--the Bedford Head, Maiden Lane, Covent Garden: a skilful
+Draughtsman, this Mr. Hogarth, but very Uppish and Impudent in his Tone;
+for I remember that he once called me Captain Compound, seeing, as the
+fellow said, that I was made up of three--Captain Bobadil, Captain
+Macheath, and Captain Kyd),--this Mr. H. went down to St. Alban's, and
+took a picture of the old Lord, as he sat in his great chair, counting
+the strength of the Scottish clans on his fingers. 'Twas afterwards
+graved on copper, and had a prodigious sale.
+
+Monday, March 9th, began this Lord's Trial, very Grand and Stately,
+which took place in Westminster Hall, fitted up anew for the occasion,
+with the Throne, and chairs for the Prince and the Duke, brave in Velvet
+and Gold, Scarlet benches for the Peers, galleries for Ladies and
+Foreign Ambassadors, boxes for the Lawyers and the Managers of the House
+of Commons that preferred the Impeachment, and a great railed platform,
+that was half like a Scaffold itself, for the Prisoner. So we Warders,
+and a Strong Guard of Horse Grenadiers and Foot-Soldiers, brought him
+down from the Tower to Westminster, Mr. Fowler, the Gentleman Gaoler,
+attending with the Axe; but the Edge thereof turned away from his
+Lordship. The Crown Lawyers, Sir William Yonge, Sir Dudley Rider, and
+Sir John Strange, that were of Counsel for the Crown, opened against him
+in a very bitter manner; at which the Old Sinner grinned, and likened
+them to hounds fighting for a very tough Morsel which was scarce worth
+the Tearing. Then he plagues the Lord Steward for permission for Counsel
+to be granted to him to speak on his behalf, which by law could not be
+granted, and for a short-hand writer to take minutes, which, after some
+delay, was allowed. One Schield, that was the first Witness called,
+deposing that Lord Lovat made one of a company of gentlemen who in 1740
+drank healths and sang catches, such as "Confusion to the White Horse"
+(meaning the heraldic cognizance of Hanover) "and all his generation,"
+and
+
+          "When Jemmy comes o'er,
+           We shall have blood and blows galore,"
+
+my Lord cries out upon him as a False Villain and Perjured Rascal. And
+was thereupon admonished by the Lord Steward to more decorous behaviour.
+Item: that he laid all the blame of the Frasers rising upon his Son,
+saying with Crocodile Tears that he was not the first who had an
+Undutiful Son; whereupon the young gentleman cries out in natural
+Resentment that he would put the Saddle on the right Horse. But this and
+many other charges were brought home to him, and that he had long
+foregathered with the Pretender, of whom he spoke in a mock-tragedy
+style as "the young man Thomas Kuli Khan." When upon his defence, he
+told many Lies, and strove to Butter their Lordships with specious
+Compliments and strained Eulogies; but 'twould not serve. The Lords
+being retired into their own chamber, and the question being put whether
+Simon Lord Lovat was guilty of all the charges of high treason brought
+against him, every one, laying his hand on his left breast, and
+beginning with the Junior Baron, answered, "GUILTY, upon my honour." And
+the next day, which was the seventh of the Trial, he was solemnly
+sentenced to Die as a Traitor; his Grace the Lord Steward making a most
+affecting Speech, in which he reproached the Lord at the Bar with having
+unnaturally endeavoured to cast the blame of his malpractices on his
+son; "which," said his Grace, "if it be true, is an impiety that makes
+one tremble: for, to quote a wise author of antiquity, the love of our
+country includes all other social affections, which," he continued,
+"shows a perfect knowledge of human nature; for we see, when that is
+gone, even the tenderest of all affections--the parental--may be
+extinguished with it." Upon which Admirable Discourse my fellow-Warder,
+Miles Bandolier, fell a blubbering, and wiping his eyes with his laced
+sleeve, whimpers that it is something, after all, to be a Lord to be
+cast for Death in such Sweet Terms; for no Judge at the Old Bailey would
+think of wasting Sugared words upon the rogue he sent to Tyburn. Which
+is true.
+
+When all was done, and the Lord Steward had, by breaking his Staff,
+declared the commission void, the Prisoner with a grimace twinkling
+about his wicked old mouth, bespoke his Majesty's good consideration,
+and, turning to the Managers of the Commons, cries out, "I hope, as ye
+are stout, ye will be merciful!" Upon which one Mr. Polwhedlyan, that
+sate for a Cornish borough, and was a very Fat Man, thinking himself
+directly concerned, shook his head with great gravity of countenance.
+But the old Villain was but Play-acting again, and could but see that
+the Game was up; for as the Lords were filing back to the House, he
+calls after them, "God bless you all! I bid you an everlasting farewell,
+for in this place we shall never meet again." He said "God bless you!"
+with a kind of fiendish yowl quite horrible to behold; and if ever man's
+benison sounded like a curse, it was that of bad old Lord Lovat.
+
+A very sad sight at this memorable Trial was the Appearance and
+Demeanour of J. Murray, of Broughton, Esq., that had been the
+Chevalier's Secretary,--deepest of all in his Secrets, and most loved
+and trusted by him. The unhappy man, to save his Life, had betrayed his
+master and turned King's Evidence, not only against Lord Lovat, but many
+other unhappy Gentlemen. I never saw such a shrinking, cowering,
+hang-dog figure as was made by this Person in the Box; and burned with
+shame within myself to think that this should be a Man of Gentle birth,
+and that had touched the hand of a King's Son--Grandson, I mean.
+Accomplished scoundrel as Lovat was, even a deeper abhorrence was
+excited by this Judas: when he first stood up, the Lords, after gazing
+at him for a moment with Contempt, turned their Backs upon him. The
+Crown Lawyers treated him in the manner that an Old Bailey Counsellor
+would cross-examine an approver in a case of Larceny; and as for the
+Prisoner, he just shut his eyes while Murray was giving evidence; and
+when he had finished, turns to the Gentleman Gaoler, and asks, with his
+eyes still shut, "Is IT gone?" meaning Judas. At which there was some
+merriment.
+
+'Twas just a month after this trial, on April 9th, that Justice was done
+upon Simon Fraser. He had eaten and drunk heartily, and cracked many
+scurril Jokes while under sentence, and seemed not to care Twopence
+whether he was Reprieved or Not. On the fatal day he waked about three
+in the morning, and prayed, or pretended to pray, with great Devotion.
+At all events, we Warders heard him; and he made Noise enough. At five
+he rose, and called for a glass of Wine-and-Water, after drinking which
+he Read till seven. Then he took some more Wine-and-Water, and at eight
+desired that his Wig might be sent to the Barber to be combed out
+genteelly. Also, among some nicknacks that he kept in a casket, he
+looked out a purse made somewhat in the Scotch fashion, of sealskin, to
+hold the money which he desired to give to the Executioner. At half
+after nine he breakfasted very heartily of Minced Veal, which he hoped
+would not indigest, he facetiously remarked, ordering Chocolate and
+Coffee for his Friends, whose Health he drank himself in Wine-and-Water.
+At eleven the Sheriffs sent to demand his Body, when he desired all
+present, save we who were at the Door, to retire, that he might say a
+short prayer. Presently he calls 'em again, saying, "I am ready." At the
+bottom of the first Pair of Stairs from his Chamber, General Williamson,
+the Commandant of the Garrison, invited him into his room to rest
+himself. He complied most cheerfully, and in French desired that he
+might be allowed to take leave of his Lady, and thank her for all the
+civilities--for she had sent him victuals every day from her own Table,
+dressed in the French fashion, which he much affected--which she had
+shown him during his confinement. But the General told him, likewise in
+French, that she was too much afflicted by his Lordship's Misfortunes to
+bear the shock of parting with him, and so begged to be excused. Which
+means, that she did not care about being pawed and mauled by this wicked
+Old Satyr in his last Moments; though, with the curiosity natural to her
+Sex, I saw with my own eyes Madame Williamson, in a new Hoop and a grand
+silk Calash, and with half-a-dozen of her gossips, at a window of the
+House on Tower Hill hard by the Sheriff's and overlooking the Scaffold.
+
+Now we Warders closed up about him; and preceded and followed by
+Foot-Soldiers, he was conveyed in the Governor's Coach to the Outward
+Gate, and so delivered over to the Sheriffs, who, giving a Receipt for
+his Body, conveyed him in another coach (hired for the two former Lords,
+Kilmarnock and Balmerino) to the said House close to the Scaffold, in
+which (the House) was a room lined with Black Cloth and hung with
+Sconces.
+
+A gentleman of a Pious Mien here beginning to read a Prayer for him, he
+bade me help him up that he might Kneel. One of the Sheriffs then asked
+him if he would take a Glass of Wine; but he said that he would prefer
+Negus. But there was no warm water, unhappily, at hand, and says his
+Lordship, with his old Grin, "The warm bluid is nae tappit yet;" so they
+brought him a glass of burnt brandy-and-bitters, which he drank with
+great Gusto.
+
+He desired that all his Clothes should be given to his friends, together
+with his Corpse, remarking that for such end he would give the
+Executioner Ten instead of Five guineas, which is the customary
+Compliment. To each of the dozen Warders there present he gave a
+Jacobus; to Miles Bandolier fifty shillings; and on myself, who had
+specially attended on him ever since he was first brought to the Tower,
+he bestowed Five gold pieces. As I touched the money, he clapped me on
+the shoulder, and says in his comical way,
+
+"I warrant, now, that beef and pudding would sit as easy under thy laced
+jerkin were 'J. R.,' and not 'G. R.,' blazoned on thee, back and
+breast."
+
+But anon a light cloud passed over his visage, and I heard him mutter to
+himself in the Scottish dialect, "Beef and pudding! 'tis cauld kail for
+Fraser the morn."
+
+Then turning to the Sheriffs, he desired that his Head might be received
+in a Cloth and put into the Coffin, the which they promised him;
+likewise that (if it could be done without censure) the ceremony of
+holding up the Head at the Four Corners of the Scaffold should be
+dispensed with. His Lordship seemed now indeed very weak in his Body,
+albeit in no way disconcerted as to his Mind; and, as Miles Bandolier
+and your Humble Servant escorted him up the steps of the Scaffold, he
+looked around, and gazing upon the immense concourse of people,
+
+"God save us!" says he; "why should there be such a bustle about taking
+off ane gray head, that cannot get up Three Steps without Three Bodies
+to support it?"
+
+From which it will be seen that his Lordship had a Merry Humour unto the
+last.
+
+No sooner was he on the fatal Platform than, seeing me (as he
+condescended to think) much dejected, he claps me on the shoulder again,
+saying, "Cheer up thy heart, laddie in scarlet. I am not afraid; why
+should you?"
+
+Then he asks for the Executioner,--that was none other, indeed, than
+Jack Ketch, the Common Hangman, dressed up in black, with a Mask on, for
+the days of Gentlemen Headsmen have long since passed away; though some
+would have it that this was a Surgeon's Apprentice, that dwelt close to
+their Hall in the Old Bailey, and turned Executioner for a Frolic; but I
+am sure it was Ketch, for he came afterwards to the Stone Kitchen,
+wanting to treat all present to Drink; but the meanest Grenadier there
+would have none of the Hangman's liquor, for all that the Blood on his
+jerkin was that of a Lord; and the fellow grew so impertinent at last,
+that we Warders were constrained to turn him out of the Fortress, and
+forbid him to return under pain of a Drubbing. "I shall see you no more
+in the Tower," quoth the impudent rascal; "but, by ----, you shall all
+of you meet me at Tyburn some day, and I'll sell your laced doublets in
+Rosemary Lane after that your throttles are twisted." But to resume.
+Lord Lovat gave this murderous wretch with the Axe Ten Guineas in a
+Purse. Then he felt the edge of the Instrument itself, and said very
+quietly that he "thought it would do." Soon after, he rose from an
+Armchair which had been placed for him, and walks round and round his
+Coffin, which was covered with Black Velvet, studded with Silver Nails,
+and this Inscription on it (the which I copied off on my Tablets at the
+time):--
+
+          SIMON DOMINUS FRASER DE LOVAT,
+                  Decollat. April 9, 1747.
+                       AEtat. suae 80.
+
+Then he sat down again, and recited some Latin words which I did not
+understand, but was afterwards told they were from Horace, and signified
+that it is a sweet and proper thing to Die for one's Country; at the
+which a Wag in one of the Gazettes of the time must needs turn this
+decorous Sentiment into Ridicule, and compose an Epigram insulting
+Misfortune, to this Effect:--
+
+          "With justice may Lovat this adage apply,
+           For the good of their country ALL criminals die."
+
+Then did the unfortunate Nobleman desire all the people to stand off
+except his two Warders, who again supported him while he prayed; after
+which he calls up his Solicitor and Agent in Scotland, Mr. Wm. Fraser,
+and, presenting his Gold-headed Cane to him, said, "I deliver you this
+cane in token of my sense of your faithful services, and of my
+committing to you all the power I have upon earth;" which is a Scotch
+fashion, I believe, when they are Executed. And with this he kissed him
+upon both cheeks; for this Lord was much given to hugging and
+slobbering.
+
+He also calls for Mr. James Fraser, likewise a Kinsman (and these
+Northern Lords seem to have them by Hundreds), and says, "My dear Jamie,
+I'm gaun to Haiv'n; but ye must e'en crawl a wee langer in this evil
+Warld." And with this, the old Grin.
+
+Then he took off his Hat, Wig, and Upper Clothes, and delivered them to
+Mr. W. F., charging him to see that the Executioner did not touch them.
+He ordered his Nightcap to be put on, and unloosing his Neckcloth and
+the Collar of his Shirt, he kneeled down at the Block, and pulled the
+Cloth which was to receive his Head close to him; but he being too near
+that fatal Billet, the Executioner desired him to remove a little
+further Back, which, with our assistance, was Immediately done; and his
+Neck being properly placed, he told the Headsman he would say a short
+Prayer, and then give the Signal by dropping his Handkerchief. In this
+posture he remained about Half a Minute. Then, throwing down the
+Kerchief, the Executioner, at ONE BLOW, severed his Head from his Body.
+Then was a dreadful Crimson Shower of Gore all around; and many and many
+a time at the Playhouse have I thought upon that Crimson Cascade on
+Tower Hill, when, in the tragedy of _Macbeth_, the wicked Queen talks of
+"the old man having so much blood in him."
+
+The Corpse was put into the Coffin, and so into the Hearse, and was
+carried back to the Tower. At four o'clock came an Undertaker from
+Holborn Hill, very fine, with many mourning coaches full of Scots
+gentlemen, and fetched away the Body, in order to be sent to Scotland,
+and deposited in his own Tomb at Kirkhill. But leave not being given by
+Authority as was expected, it was again brought back to the Tower, and
+buried by the side of Kilmarnock and Balmerino, close to the
+Communion-rails in the little church of St. Peter-on-the-Green, where so
+much Royal and Noble Dust doth moulder away.
+
+_Memorandum._--The Block on which this Nobleman suffered was but a
+common Billet of Oak wood, such as Butchers use, and hollowed out for
+the purpose of accommodating the neck; but it had not been stowed away
+in the White Tower for a month before it was shown to the Public for
+Money, and passed as the Block whereon Queen Anne Boleyn was beheaded.
+So with the Axe, which was declared to be the one used in decapitating
+K. C. 1st; but there's not a word of truth in the whole story. The
+Block was hewn and the Axe was forged after the '45, and specially for
+the doing of justice on the Rebel Lords.
+
+Note also that Lord Lovat left it in a Codicil to his Will that all the
+Pipers from Jonie Groat's house to Edinburgh were to play before his
+Corpse, and have a handsome allowance in Meal and Whisky (on which this
+sort of People mostly live) for so doing. Likewise that all the good old
+Women of his county were to sing what they call a _Coronach_ over him.
+And indeed Women, both young and old, are so good when there's any thing
+pitiful to be done, that I make no doubt that the _Coronach_ would have
+been sung if the old Rebel had gone back to Scotland; and if there were
+found those to weep for Nero, I see no reason why some tears should not
+have been shed for Simon, Lord Lovat.
+
+But there is no denying, after all, that Simon Fraser was a very
+complete Scoundrel. His whole life, indeed, had been but one series of
+Crimes, one calendar of Frauds, one tissue of Lies. For at least seventy
+out of his eighty years of life he had been cheating, cogging,
+betraying, and doing the Devil's service upon earth; and who shall say
+that his end was undeserved? A Scots Lord of his acquaintance was heard
+to say that he deserved to be hung twenty times in twenty places for
+twenty heinous Crimes that he had committed; and let this be borne in
+mind, that this was the same Lord Lovat that, as Captain Fraser, and
+being then a Young Man, was outlawed for a very atrocious Act of
+Violence that he had committed upon a young Lady of Fashion and Figure,
+whom he carried away (with the aid of a Band of his brutal Retainers)
+in the dead of night, married by Force, with the assistance of a
+hireling Priest of his, cutting the very clothes off her body with his
+Dirk, and bidding his Pipers strike up to drown her cries. And yet such
+a Ruffian as he undoubtedly was could maintain an appearance of a facete
+disposition to the last; and he seems to have taken great pains to quit
+the Stage, not only with Decency, but with that Dignity which is thought
+to distinguish the Good Conscience and the Noble Mind. There is only one
+more thing to be set down, and that is one that I, being the Warder who
+(with Bandolier) attended him throughout his confinement, can vouch for
+the truth of. It was falsely said at the time that this Lord sought to
+defraud the Axe by much drinking of Wine: now I can aver that while in
+custody he never drank above two pints a day; and the report may have
+arisen from the considerable quantities of Brandy and Rum which were
+used, night and morning, to bathe his poor feet and legs.
+
+Now, Tranquillity being happily restored to these Kingdoms, and the
+Chevalier safely gotten away to France (whither, however, that luckless
+young Man was expelled, and in a very ignominious manner, at the Peace
+of Aix-la-Chapelle), I do confess that I began to weary somewhat of my
+fine Red Doublet, and of the Rosettes in my shoes; and although my
+Loyalty to King George and the Protestant Succession was without stain,
+I felt that it was somewhat beneath the dignity of a Gentleman Cavalier
+to dangle all day beneath a Portcullis with a Partisan on one's
+shoulder, or act as Bear Leader to the Joskins and simpering City Madams
+that came to see the Curiosities. And I felt my own roaming Fit come
+upon me as fierce as ever, and longed to be off to Foreign Parts again.
+I could have taken service under the Duke of Cumberland in the wars of
+Germany, and could have procured, perhaps, a pair of Colours in his
+Royal Highness's army; but, odd to relate, ever since my Misadventure at
+Vienna what time I was in little Squire Pinchin's service, I had
+conceived a great Distaste for those High Dutch countries, and cared not
+to go a campaigning there. Then there was fighting going on, and to
+spare, in Italy, where the Austrians were doing their best to reduce
+Genoa, the French opposing 'em tooth and nail. But I misliked the
+Germans as well as their country, and saw not the Profit of getting shot
+under the command of an Austrian Archduke. There were many other
+Continental countries open to the enterprise of Gentlemen Adventurers
+from England, but in most of them only Papists would go down; and to
+turn Romanist, for whatever reward of Place or Dignity, was against my
+principles.
+
+Pending, however, my coming to some Determination as to my future mode
+of life, I resolved to throw up my Post of Tower Warder receiving the
+gratuity of Twenty Guineas which was granted to those resigning by the
+bounty of his Majesty the King. Those who state that I left my
+Employment in any thing like Disgrace are surely the vilest Traducers
+and Libellers that ever deserved to have their tongues bored through
+with a Red-hot Iron; but I do not mind myself admitting that my
+situation had become somewhat unpleasant, and that I was sufficiently
+anxious to change the scene of my Adventures. There was a certain
+Waiting-maid belonging to Madam Williamson (that was General
+Williamson's lady, Military Commandant) who had long cast Sheep's Eyes
+upon me. I declare that I gave the Lass no encouragement; but what would
+you have? I was in the prime of life, and she a buxom kind of Wench,
+about twenty-two years of age. 'Twas following me here, and ogling me
+there, and leaving love-billets and messages for me at the Guard-Room. I
+will not deny but that from time to time I may have passed a jest with
+the girl, nay, given her some few trinkums, and now and then treated her
+to chocolate or sweet wine at Marylebone Gardens or the Flask at
+Hampstead. You may be sure that on these occasions I did not wear my
+Antiquated costume as a Tower Warder, but a blue Culloden frock,
+gold-corded, and with crown buttons; a scarlet waistcoat and breeches;
+a hat with a military cock; and a neat hanger by my side. By drawers,
+masters of the games, and others, I was now always known as Captain.
+
+Had I not been exceedingly wary and circumspect in all my dealings with
+this Waiting-Woman,--poor thing! her name was Prue,--the affair might
+have ended badly; and there might have been Rendezvous on the ramparts,
+moonlight trysts on the Tower Green, and the like Follies. But I saw
+that our Flirtation must not be permitted to go any further. The
+Commandant's wife, indeed, had come to hear of it; and, sending for me
+to her Parlour, must needs ask me what my Intentions were towards her
+Maid. "Madam," I answered, taking off my hat, and making her a very low
+bow, "I am a soldier; and I never knew a soldier yet that Intended any
+thing; all he does is without any Intention at all." Upon which she bade
+me to go for an Impudent fellow; and I doubt not, had I been under her
+Husband's orders, would have had me set upon the Picket on the Parade
+for my free speaking; but we Tower Warders were not amenable to such
+Slavish Discipline; and, indeed, General Williamson, who stood by, was
+pleased to laugh heartily at my answer, and gave me a crown to drink the
+King's health, bidding me, however, take care what I was about, and see
+that the poor girl came to no Hurt. And I being at that time somewhat
+chary of imperilling my Independence, and minded to take neither a Wife
+nor a Mistress, thought the very best thing I could do was to kiss,
+shake hands, and Part, lest worse should come of it.
+
+
+END OF VOL. II.
+
+
+                          LONDON:
+          SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET,
+                       COVENT GARDEN.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
+
+Page 44, "han" changed to "than" (than other slave-owners)
+
+Page 64, "ther" changed to "their" (from their own)
+
+Page 112, "coutenance" changed to "countenance" (good-humoured
+countenance)
+
+Page 179, "a a" changed to "a" (a gold snuff-box)
+
+Page 237, "Mishipmite" changed to "Midshipmite" (Midshipmite, and who I)
+
+Page 242, "eigteenth" changed to "eighteenth" (my eighteenth year)
+
+Page 262, "fo" changed to "for" ('Forty-five; and for)
+
+Text uses both Guard-house and Guardhouse; pottle-pot and pottlepot;
+stand-still and standstill; and Train-bands and Trainbands.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain
+Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala
+
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