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diff --git a/26668.txt b/26668.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc750ff --- /dev/null +++ b/26668.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5554 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain +Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Strange Adventures of Captain Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3 + Who was a sailor, a soldier, a merchant, a spy, a slave + among the moors... + +Author: George Augustus Sala + +Release Date: September 19, 2008 [EBook #26668] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN DANGEROUS, VOL. 2 OF 3 *** + + + + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + + + + + + +THE STRANGE ADVENTURES + +OF + +CAPTAIN DANGEROUS: + + + WHO WAS A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A MERCHANT, A SPY, A SLAVE + AMONG THE MOORS, A BASHAW IN THE SERVICE + OF THE GRAND TURK, + + AND + + =Died at last in his own House in Hanover Square.= + +A NARRATIVE IN OLD-FASHIONED ENGLISH. + +ATTEMPTED BY + +GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA. + +IN THREE VOLUMES. + +VOL. II. + + LONDON: + TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND. + 1863. + [_The right of Translation is reserved._] + + LONDON: + SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET, + COVENT GARDEN. + + + + +CONTENTS OF VOL. II. + + +CHAPTER THE FIRST. + + PAGE + OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY GOING ABROAD + UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE (WHICH WAS ALL THE + ESTATE I HAD) 1 + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND. + + OF MY OTHER ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO BE A MAN 50 + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD. + + OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES 87 + + +CHAPTER THE FOURTH. + + I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF + THE POLITE WORLD 120 + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTH. + + OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY OF + PARIS 164 + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTH. + + OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA) AND OF + MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY, + WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY 187 + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTH. + + OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE: AMONGST + OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE IN THE FLEET 206 + + +CHAPTER THE EIGHTH. + + JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF KING GEORGE 241 + + +CHAPTER THE NINTH. + + REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME FURTHER + SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO BUSINESS ON MY + OWN ACCOUNT 283 + + + + +THE STRANGE ADVENTURES + +OF + +CAPTAIN DANGEROUS. + +=A Narrative in Old fashioned English.= + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIRST. + + OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY GOING + ABROAD UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE (WHICH WAS + ALL THE ESTATE I HAD). + + +A STRANGE Nursing-mother--rather a Stepmother of the Stoniest sort--was +this Sir Basil Hopwood, Knight and Alderman of London, that contracted +with the Government to take us Transports abroad. Sure there never was a +man, on this side the land of Horseleeches, that was so Hungry after +money. Yet was his avarice not of the kind practised by old Audley, the +money-scrivener of the Commonwealth's time; or Hopkins, the wretch that +saved candles' ends and yet had a thousand wax-lights blazing at his +Funeral; or Guy the Bookseller, that founded the Hospital in Southwark; +or even old John Elwes, Esquire, the admired Miser of these latter days. +Sir Basil Hopwood was the rather of the same complexion of Entrails with +that Signor Volpone whom we have all seen--at least such of us as be old +Boys--in Ben Jonson's play of the _Fox_. He Money-grubbed, and +Money-clutched, and Money-wrung, ay, and in a manner Money-stole, that +he might live largely, and ruffle it among his brother Cits in +surpassing state and splendour. He had been Lord Mayor; and on his +Show-day the Equipments of chivalry had been more Sumptuous, the Banners +more varied, the Entertainment at Saddlers' Hall,--where the Lord Mayor +was wont to hold his Feast before the present Mansion House was built, +the ancient Guildhall in King Street being then but in an ill condition +for banquet,--Hopwood's Entertainment, I say, had been more plentifully +provided with Marrowbones, Custards, Ruffs and Reeves, Baked Cygnets, +Malmsey, Canary, and Hippocras, than had ever been known since the days +of the Merry Mayor, who swore that King Charles the Second should take +t'other bottle. He was a Parliament man, too, and had a Borough in his +Pocket, for the which he kept a Warming-Pan member,--more's the +shame,--besides one to serve him as a cushion to sit on. + +This enormously rich man had a fine House in Bishopsgate Street, with as +many rogues in blue liveries as a Rotterdam Syndic that has made three +good ventures in Java. When we poor wretches, chained together, had been +brought up in Carts from Aylesbury to London, on our way to be Embarked, +nothing would serve this Haughty and Purse-proud Citizen but that our +ragged Regiment must halt before his peddling Palace; and there the +varlets in blue that attended upon him brought us out Loaves and Cheese, +and Blackjacks full of two-thread Beer, which, with many disdainful +gestures and uncivil words, they offered to our famished lips. And my +Lady Hopwood, and the fine Madams her daughters,--all laced and +furbelowed, and with widows' and orphans' tears, and the blood-drops of +crimped seamen and kidnapped children, twinkling in their Stomachers for +gems,--were all set at their Bowery window, a pudding-fed Chaplain +standing bowing and smirking behind them, and glozing in their ears no +doubt Praises of their exceeding Charity and Humanity to wretches such +as we were. But this Charity, Jack, says I to myself, is not of the +Shapcott sort, and is but base metal after all. My troth, but we wanted +the Bread and Cheese and Swipes; for we had had neither Bite nor Sup +since we left Aylesbury Gaol seven-and-twenty hours agone. So, after a +while, and the mob hallooing at us for Gallows-birds, and some Ruffians +about the South-Sea House pelting us with stones,--for Luck, as they +said,--we were had over London Bridge,--where with dreadful admiration I +viewed the Heads and Quarters of Traitors, all shimmering in the coat of +pitch i' the Sun over the North Turret,--and were bestowed for the +night in the Borough Clink. And hither we were pursued by the Alderman's +Agents, who straightway began to drive Unholy Bargains with those among +us that had Money. Now 'twas selling them Necessaries for the voyage at +exorbitant rates; or promising them, for cash in hand, to deliver them +Luxuries, such as Tobacco, playing-cards, and strong waters, at the Port +of Embarkation. Now 'twas substituting Light for Heavy Fetters, if the +Heaviness could be Assuaged by Gold; and sometimes even negotiations +were carried so far as for the convicted persons to give Drafts of +Exchange, to be honoured by their Agents in London, so soon as word came +from the Plantations that they had been placed in Tolerable Servitude, +instead of Agonising Slavery. For although there was then, as there is +now, a convenient Fiction that a Felon's goods became at once forfeit to +the Crown, I never yet knew a Felon (and I have known many) that felt +ever so little difficulty in keeping his property, if he had any, and +disposing of it according to his own Good Will and Pleasure. + +The Head Gaoler of the Borough Clink--I know not how his Proper official +title ran--was a colonel in the Foot Guards, who lived in Jermyn Street, +St. James's, and transacted most of his High and Mighty business either +at Poingdestre's Ordinary in St. Alban's Place, or at White's Chocolate +House, to say naught of the Rose, or the Key in Chandos Street. Much, +truly, did he concern himself about his unhappy Captives. His place was +a Patent one, and was worth to him about Fifteen Hundred a year, at +which sum it was farmed by Sir Basil Hopwood; who, in his turn, on the +principle that "'tis scurvy money that won't stick to your fingers," +underlet the place to a Company of Four Rogues, who gave him Two +Thousand for that, which they managed to swell into at least Three for +themselves by squeezing of Poor Prisoners, and the like crying +Injustices. 'Twas Aylesbury Gaol over again, with the newest +improvements and the Humours of the Town added to it. So, when Sir +Basil Hopwood took up a cargo of cast persons for Transportation, his +underlings of the Borough Clink were only too glad to harbour them for a +night or two, making a pretty profit out of the poor creatures. For all +which, I doubt it not, Sir Basil Hopwood and his scoundrelly Myrmidons +are, at this instant moment, Howling. + +This place was a prison for Debtors as well as Criminals, and was to the +full as Foul as the Tophet-pit at Aylesbury yonder. I had not been there +half an hour before a Lively companion of a Gentleman Cutpurse, with a +wrench at my kerchief, a twist at my arm (which nearly Broke it in +twain), and a smart Blow under my Lower Jaw, robs me of the packet of +comforts (clothing, pressed beef, sugar, comfits, and the like) which my +kind friends at Aylesbury had given me. The Rascal comes to me a few +minutes afterwards with a packet of Soap and a Testament, which he had +taken from my Bundle, and returns them to me with a Grin, telling me +that it was long since his Body had felt need of the one or his Soul of +the other. And yet I think they would have profited considerably +(pending a Right Cord) by the application of Both. So I in a corner, to +moan and whimper at my Distressed condition. + +A sad Sunday I spent in the Clink,--'twas on the Monday we were to +start,--although, to some other of my companions, the Time passed +jovially enough. For very many of the Relations and Friends of the +Detained Persons came to visit them, bringing them money, victuals, +clothing, and other Refreshments. 'Twas on this day I heard that one of +us, who was cast for Forgery, had been offered a Free Pardon if he could +lodge Five Hundred Pounds in the hands of a Person who had Great +Influence near a Great Man. + +Late on the Sunday afternoon, Sir Basil Hopwood came down in his coach, +and with his chaplain attendant on him. We Convicts were all had to the +Grate, for the Knight and Alderman would not venture further in, for +fear of the Gaol Fever; and he makes us a Fine Speech about the King's +Mercy,--which I deny not,--and his own Infinite Goodness in providing +for us in a Foreign Land. The which I question. Then he told us how we +were to be very civil and obedient on the voyage to those who were set +over us, refraining from cursing, swearing, gaming, or singing of +profane songs, on pain of immediate and smart chastisement; and having +said this, and the chaplain having given us his Benediction, he gat him +gone, and we were rid of so much Rapacious and Luxurious Hypocrisy. We +lay in the yard that night, wrapped in such extra Garments as some of us +were Fortunate enough to have; and I sobbed myself to sleep, wishing, I +well remember, that it might never be Day again, but that my Sorrows +might all be closed in by the Merciful Curtain of Eternal Night. + +So on the Monday morning we were driven down--a body of Sir Basil +Hopwood's own company of the Trainbands guarding us--to Shayler's +Stairs, near unto the church of St. Mary Overy; and there--we were in +number about a hundred--put on board a Hoy, which straightway, the tide +being toward, bore down the river for Gravesend. + +By this time I found that, almost insensibly, as it were, I had become +separated from my old companions the Blacks, and that I was more than +ever Alone. The greatest likelihood is, that Authority deemed it +advisable to break up, for good and all, the Formidable Confederacy they +had laid hold of, and to prevent those Dangerous Men from ever again +making Head together. But my whole Life was but a kind of Shifting and +uncertain Vision, and I took little note of the personages with whom I +came in contact, till looking around me, in a dull listlessness about +the Hoy, I found myself, cheek by jowl, with a motley crew, seemingly +picked up hap-hazard from all the gaols in England. But 'twas all one to +me, and I did not much care. Such a Stupor of Misery came over me, that +for a time I almost forgot my good Quaker Friends, and the lessons they +had taught me; that I felt myself once more drifting into being a +dangerous little brute; and that seeing the Master of the Hoy, a +thirsty-looking man, lifting a great stone-bottle to his lips, I longed +to serve him as I had served Corporal Foss with the demijohn of Brandy +in the upper chamber of the Stag o' Tyne. + +We landed not at Gravesend, but were forthwith removed to a bark called +_The Humane Hopwood_, in compliment, I suppose, to Sir Basil, and which, +after lying three days in the Downs, put into Deal to complete her +complement of Unfortunate Persons. And I remember that, before making +Deal, we saw a stranded Brig on the Goodwins, which was said to be a +Leghorner, very rich with oils and silks; round which were +gathered--just as you may see obscene Birds of Prey gathered round a +dead carcass, and picking the Flesh from its bones--at least a score of +luggers belonging to the Deal Boatmen. These worthies had knocked holes +in the hull of the wreck, and were busily hauling out packages and casks +into their craft, coming to blows sometimes with axes and marlin-spikes +as to who should have the Biggest Booty. And it was said on Board that +they would not unfrequently decoy by false signals, or positively haul, +a vessel in distress on to those same Goodwins,--in whose fatal depths +so many tall Ships lie Engulfed,--in order to have the Plunder of her, +which was more profitable than the Salvage, that being in the long-run +mostly swallowed up by the Crimps and Longshore Lawyers of Deal and +other Ports, who were wont to buy the Boatmen's rights at a Ruinous +Discount. Salvage Men, indeed, these Boatmen might well be called; for +when I was young it was their manner to act with an extreme of Savage +Barbarity, thinking far less of saving Human Life than of clutching at +the waifs and strays of a Rich Cargo. And then up would sheer a +Custom-House cutter or a Revenue Pink, the skipper and his crew fierce +in their Defence of the Laws of the Land, the Admiralty Droits, and +their own twentieths; and from Hard blows with fists and spikes, matters +would often come to the arbitrament of cutlasses and firearms; so that +naval Engagements of a Miniature kind have often raged between the Deal +Boatmen and the King's Officers. Surely the world was a Hard and a Cruel +and a Brutal one, when I was young--bating the Poor-Laws, which were +more merciful than at present; for now that I am old the Gazettes are +full of the Tender Valour and Merciful Devotion of the Deal Boatmen, +who, in the most tempestuous weather, will leave their warm beds, their +wives and bairns, and put off, with the Sea running mountains high, to +rescue Distraught Vessels and the Precious Lives that are within them. +The Salvage Men of my time were brave enough, but they were likewise +unconscionable rogues. + +The wind proved false to us at Deal, and we had to wait a weary ten days +there. Captain Handsell was our commander. He was a man who knew but one +course of proceeding. 'Twas always a word and a blow with him. By the +same token the blow generally came first, and the word that followed was +sure to be a bad one. The Captain of a Ship, from a Fishing Smack to a +Three-Decker, was in those days a cruel and merciless Despot. 'Twas only +the size of his ship and the number of his Equipage that decided the +question whether he was to be a Petty Tyrant or a Tremendous One. His +Empire was as undisputed as that of a Schoolmaster. Who was to gainsay +him? To whom, at Sea, could his victims appeal? To the Sharks and +Grampuses, the Dolphins and the Bonettas? He was privileged to beat, to +fetter, to starve, to kick, to curse his Seamen. Even his Passengers +trembled at the sight of this Bashaw of Bluewater; for he had Irons and +Rations of Mouldy Biscuit for them too, if they offended him; and many a +Beautiful and Haughty Lady paying full cabin-passage has bowed down +before the wrath of a vulgar Skipper, who, at home, she would have +thought unworthy to Black her Shoes, and who would be seething in the +revelry of a Tavern in Rotherhithe, while she would be footing it in the +Saloons of St. James's. Yet for a little time, at the outset of his +voyage, the Skipper had his superior; the Bashaw had a Vizier who was +bigger than he. There was a Terrible Man called the Pilot. He cared no +more for the Captain than the Archbishop of Canterbury cares for a +Charity-Boy. He gave him a piece of his mind whenever he chose, and he +would have his own Way, and had it. It was the delight of the Seamen to +see their Tyrant and Bully degraded for a time under the supreme +authority of the Pilot, who drank the Skipper's rum; who had the best +Beef and Burgoo at the Skipper's table; who wore, if he was so minded, +the Skipper's tarpaulin; who used the Skipper's telescope, and thumbed +his charts, and kicked his Cabin-boy, and swore his oaths, till, but for +the fear of the Trinity House, I think the Skipper would have been +mighty glad to fling him over the taffrail. But the reign of this Great +Mogul of Lights and Points and Creeks soon came to an end. A River Pilot +was the lesser evil, a Channel Pilot was the greater one; but both were +got rid of at last. Then the Skipper was himself again. He would drink +himself blind with Punch in the forenoon, or cob his cabin-boy to +Death's door after dinner for a frolic. He could play the very Devil +among the Hands, and they perforce bore with his capricious cruelty; for +there is no running away from a Ship at Sea. Jack Shark is Gaoler, and +keeps the door tight. There is but one way out of it, and that is to +Mutiny, and hey for the Black Flag and a Pirate's Free and Jovial +Life![A] But Mutiny is Hanging, and Piracy is Hanging, and Gibbeting +too; and how seldom it is that you find Bold Hearts who have Stuff +enough in them to Run the Great Risk! As on sea, so it is on land. That +Ugly Halter dances before a man's eyes, and dazes him away from the +Firmest Resolve. For how long will Schoolboys endure the hideous +enormities of a Gnawbit before they come to the Supreme Revolt of a +Barring-out! And for how long will a People suffer the mad tyranny of a +Ruler, who outrages their Laws, who strangles their Liberties, who +fleeces and squeezes and tramples upon them, before they take Heart of +Grace, and up Pike and Musket, and down-derry-down with your Ruler, who +is ordinarily the basest of Poltroons, and runs away in a fright so soon +as the first Goose is bold enough to cry out that the Capitol _shall_ be +saved! + +Nothing of this did I think aboard _The Humane Hopwood_. I was too young +to have any thought at all, save of rage and anguish when it pleased +Captain Handsell, being in a cheerful mood, to belabour me, till I was +black and blue, with a rope's end. At the beginning of the voyage I was +put into the hold, ironed, with the rest of the convicts, who were only +permitted to come on deck twice a day, morning and evening, for a few +Mouthfuls of Fresh air; who were fed on the vilest biscuit and the most +putrid water, getting but a scrap of fat pork and a dram of Rum that was +like Fire twice a week, and who were treated, generally, much like +Negroes on the Middle Passage. But by and by,--say after ten days; but I +took little account of Time in this floating Purgatory,--Captain +Handsell had me unironed; and his cabin-boy, a poor weakly little lad, +that could not stand much beating, being dead of that and a flux, and so +thrown overboard without any more words being said about it--(he was but +a little Scottish castaway from Edinburgh, who had been kidnapped late +one night in the Grass Market, and sold to a Greenock skipper trading in +that line for a hundred pound Scots--not above eight pounds of our +currency)--and there is no Crowner's Quest at sea, I was promoted to the +Vacant Post. I was Strong enough now, and the Wound in my side gave me +no more pain; and I think I grew daily stronger and more hardened under +the shower of blows which the Skipper very liberally dealt out to me; I +hardly know with more plenitude when he was vexed, or when he was +pleased. But I was not the same bleating little Lamb that the Wolfish +Gnawbit used to torture. No, no; John Dangerous's apprenticeship had +been useful to him. Even as college-lads graduate in their Latin and +Greek, so I had graduated upon braining the Grenadier with the demijohn. +I could take kicks and cuffs, but I could likewise give them. And so, as +this Roaring Skipper made me a Block to vent his spite upon, I would +struggle with, and bite, and kick his shins till sometimes we managed to +fall together on the cabin-floor and tumble about there,--pull he, pull +I, and a kick together!--till the Watch would look down the skylight +upon us, grinning, and chuckle hoarsely that old Belzey, as they called +their commander (being a diminutive for Beelzebub), and his young Imp +were having a tussle. Thus it came about that among these unthinking +Seamen I grew to be called Pug (who, I have heard, is the Lesser Fiend), +or Little Brimstone, or young Pitchladle. And then I, in my Impish way, +would offer to fight them too, resenting their scurril nicknames, and +telling them that I had but one name, which was Jack Dangerous. + +The oddest thing in the world was that the Skipper, Ungovernable Brute +as he was, seemed to take a kind of liking for me through my Resistance +to him. + +"What a young Tiger-cub it is!" he would say sometimes, swaying about +his Rope's End, as if undecided whether to hit me or not. "Lie down, +Rawbones! Lie down, Tearem!" + +"You go to hit me again," I would cry, all hot and flurried; "I'll mark +you, I will, you Tarpaulin Hedgehog!" + +Then in a Rage he would make a Rush at me, and Welt me sorely; but +oftener he would Relent, and opening his Locker would give me a slice of +Sausage, or a white Biscuit, or a nip of curious Nantz. + +At last he gave up maltreating me altogether. "If you'd been of the same +kidney as Sawney M'Gillicuddy," he said, speaking of the poor little +Scottish lad who Died, "I'd have made you food for fishes long ago. +'Slid, my younker, but they should 'a had their meat tender enough, or +there's no vartue in hackled hemp for a lacing! But you've got a Heart, +my lad; and if you're not hanged before you're out of your Teens, +you'll show the World that you can Bite as well as Bark some of these +days." + +So I became a prime Favourite with Captain Handsell; and, in the +Expansion of his Liking towards me, he began to give me instruction in +the vocation in which a portion of my life has since (with no small +Distinction, though I say it that should not) been passed. Of scientific +Navigation this very Rude and Boorish person knew little, if any thing; +but as a Practical Seaman he had much skill and experience. Indeed, if +the Hands had not enjoyed a lively Faith in the solid sea-going +Qualities of "Foul-Weather Bob," as they called him when they did not +choose to give him his demoniacal appellation, they would have Mutinied, +and sent him, Lashed to a grating, on a voyage of Discovery at least +twice in every Twenty-Four Hours. For he led them a most Fearful Life. + +I had imparted to him that I was somewhat of a scholar, and that Captain +Night had taught me something besides stealing the King's Deer. There +was a Bible on Board, which the Skipper never read,--and read, indeed, +he was scarcely able to do,--but which he turned to the unseemly use, +when he had been over-cruel to his crew, of swearing them upon it, that +they would not inform against him when they got into port. For this was +an odd medley of a man, and had his moments of Remorse for evil-doing, +or else of Fear as to what might be the Consequences when he reached a +Land where some degree of Law and Justice were recognised. At some times +he would propitiate his crew with donatives of Rum, or even of Money; +but the next day he would have his Cruelty Fit on again, and use his men +with ten times more Fierceness and Arbitrary Barbarity. But to this +Bible and a volume of Nautical Tables our Library was confined; and as +he troubled himself very little about the latter, I was set to read to +him sometimes after dinner from the Good Book. But he was ever coarse +and ungovernable, and would have no Righteous Doctrine or Tender +Precepts, but only took delight when I read to him from the Old +Scriptures the stories of the Jews, their bloody wars, and how their +captains and men of war slew their Thousands and their Tens of Thousands +in Battle. And with shame I own that 'twas these Furious Narratives that +I liked also; and with exceeding pleasure read of Joshua his victories, +and Samson his achievements, and Gideon how he battled, and Agag how +they hewed him in pieces. Little cockering books I see now put forth, +with pretty decoying pictures, which little children are bidden to read. +Stories from the Old Testament are dressed up in pretty sugared +language. Oh, you makers of these little books! oh, you fond mothers who +place them so deftly in your children's hands! bethink you whether this +strong meat is fit for Babes. An old man, whose life has been passed in +Storms and Stratagems and Violence, not innocent of blood-spilling, bids +you beware! Let the children read that other Book, its Sweet and Tender +Counsels, its examples of Mercy and Love to all Mankind. But if I had a +child five or six years old, would I let him fill himself with the +horrible chronicles of Lust, and Spoliation, and Hatred, and Murder, and +Revenge? "Why shouldn't I torture the cat?" asks little Tommy. "Didn't +the man in the Good Book tie blazing Torches to the foxes' tails?" And +little Tommy has some show of reason on his side. Let the children grow +up; wait till their stomachs are strong enough to digest this potent +victual. It is hard indeed for one who has been a Protestant alway to +have to confess that when such indiscreet reading is placed in +children's hands, those crafty Romish ecclesiastics speak not altogether +foolishly when they tell us that the mere Word slayeth. But on this +point I am agreed to consult Doctor Dubiety, and to be bound by his +decision. + +In so reading to the Skipper every day, I did not forget to exercise +myself in that other art of Writing, and was in time serviceable enough +to be able to keep, in something like a rational and legible form the +Log of _The Humane Hopwood_, which heretofore had been a kind of +cabalistic Register, full of blots, crosses, half-moons, and zigzags, +like the chalk score of an unlettered Ale-wife. And the more I read (of +surely the grandest and simplest language in the world), the more I +discovered how ignorant I was of that essential art of Spelling, and +blushed at the vile manner in which the Petition I had written to the +King of England was set down. And before we came to our voyage's end, I +had made a noticeable improvement in the Curious Mystery of writing +Plain English. + +One day as the Skipper was taking Tobacco (for he was a great Smoker), +he said to me, "Jack, do you know what you are, lad?" + +"Your cabin-boy," I answered; "bound to fetch and carry: hempen wages, +and not much better treated than a dog." + +"You lie, you scum," Captain Handsell answered pleasantly. "You go +snacks with me in the very best, and your beef is boiled in my own +copper. But 'tisn't that I mean. Do you know how you hail on the +World's books? what the number of your mess in Life is?" + +"Yes," I replied; "I'm a Transport. Was to have been hanged; but I wrote +out a Petition, and the Gentlemen in London gave it to the King, God +bless him!" + +"Vastly well, mate!" continued the Captain. "Do you know what a +Transport is?" + +"No; something very bad, I suppose; though I don't see that he can be +much worse off than a cabin-boy that's been cast for Death, and lain in +gaol with a bayonet-wound he got from a Grenadier,--let alone having +been among the Blacks, and paid anigh to Death by Gnawbit,--when he was +born a Gentleman." + +"You lie again. To be a Transport is worse than aught you've had. Why a +cat in an oven without claws is an Angel of bliss along of a Transport! +You're living in a land of beans and bacon now, in a land of milk and +honey and new rum. Wait till you get to Jamaica. The hundred and odd +vagabonds that I've got aboard will be given over to the Sheriff at Port +Royal, and he'll sell 'em by auction; and for as long as they're sent +across the herring-pond they'll be slaves, and worse than slaves, to the +planters; for the black Niggers themselves, rot 'em! make a mock of a +Newgate bird. Hard work in the blazing sun, scarce enough to eat to keep +body and soul together, the cat-o'-nine-tails every day, with the +cow-hide for a change; and, when your term's out, not a Joe in your +pocket to help you to get back to your own country again. That's the +life of a Transport, my hearty. Why, it's worse cheer than one of my own +hands gets here on shipboard!" + +"I think I'd rather be hanged," I said, with something like a Trembling +come over me at the Picture the Skipper had drawn. + +"I should rather think you would; but such isn't your luck, little Jack +Dangerous. What would you say if I was to tell you that you ain't a +Transport at all?" + +I stammered out something, I know not what, but could make no +substantial reply. + +"Not a bit of it," continued Captain Handsell, who by this time was +getting somewhat Brisk with his afternoon's Punch. "Hang it, who's +afraid? I like thee, lad. I'm off my bargain, and don't care a salt +herring if I'm a loser by a few broad pieces in not sticking to it. I +tell thee, Jack, thou'rt Free, as Free as I am; leastways if we get to +Jamaica without going to Davy Jones's Locker; for on blue water no man +can say he's Free. No; not the Skipper even." + +And then he told me, to my exceeding Amazement and Delight, of what an +Iniquitous Transaction I had very nearly been made the victim. It seems +that although the Pardon granted me after the Petition I had sent to his +Majesty was conditional on my transporting myself to the Plantations, +further influence had been made for me in London,--by whom I knew not +then, but I have since discovered,--and on the very Day of the arrival +of our condemned crew in London, an Entire and Free Pardon had been +issued for John Dangerous and lodged in the hands of Sir Basil Hopwood +at his House in Bishopsgate Street. Along with this merciful Document +there came a letter from one of his Majesty's principal Secretaries of +State, in which directions were given that I was to be delivered over to +a person who was my Guardian. And that I was in no danger of being again +given up to the villains Cadwallader and Talmash, or their Instrument +Gnawbit, was clear, I think, from what Captain Handsell told me:--That +the Person bringing the letter--the Pardon itself being in the hands of +a King's Messenger--had the appearance, although dressed in a lay habit, +of being a Foreign Ecclesiastic. The crafty Extortioner of a Knight and +Alderman makes answer that I had not come with the other Transports to +London, but had been left sick at Brentford, in the care of an agent of +his there; but he entreats the Foreign Person to go visit Newgate, where +he had another gang of unhappy persons for Transportation, and see if I +had arrived. And all this while the wretch knew that I was safely +clapped up in the yard of the Borough Clink. And the Foreign Person +being met at the Old Bailey by one of Hopwood's creatures, this Thing +takes him to walk on the leads of the Sessions House, praying him not to +enter the gaol, where many had lately been stricken with the Distemper, +and by and by up comes a Messenger all hot as it seemed with express +riding,--though his sweat and dust were all Forged,--and says that a +gang of Ruffians have broken up the Cage of Brentford, where, for +greater safety, the Boy Dangerous had been bestowed; that these Ruffians +were supposed to be the remnant of the Blacks of Charlwood Chase who had +escaped from capture; and that they had stolen away the Boy Dangerous, +and made clear off with him. And, indeed, it was a curious circumstance +that Brentford Cage was that day broken into (the Times were very +Lawless), and a Strange Boy taken out therefrom. But Hopwood had +artfully separated me from the Blacks who were in Newgate, and placed me +among a stranger mob of riffraff in the Borough Clink. The Newgate Gang +were in due time taken, not to Gravesend, but straight away from the +Pool to Richmond in Virginia; whereas I was conveyed to Gravesend and +Deal, and shipped off to Jamaica in _The Humane Hopwood_. And what do +you think was the object of this Humane Scoundrel in thus sequestrating +the King's Pardon and robbing me of my liberty, and perhaps of the +occasion of returning to the state of a Gentleman, in which I was Born? +'Twas simply to kidnap me, and make a wretched profit of twenty or +thirty pounds,--the Commander of his Ship going him half in the +adventure,--by selling me in the West Indies, where white boys not being +Transports were then much in demand, to be brought up as clerks and +cash-keepers to the Planters. Sure there was never such a Diabolical +Plot for so sorry an end; but a vast number of paltry conspiracies, +carried out with Infernal Cunning and Ingenuity, had made, in the course +of years, Sir Basil Hopwood rich and mighty, a Knight and Alderman, +Parliament man and ex-Lord Mayor. To carry out these designs was just +part of the ordinary calling of a Shipmaster in those days. 'Twas looked +upon as the simplest matter of business in the world. To kidnap a child +was such an everyday deed of devilry, that the slightest amount of pains +was deemed sufficing to conceal the abominable thing. And thus the +Foreign Person saw with dolorous Eyes the convoy of convicts take their +departure from Newgate to ship on board the Virginian vessel at St. +Katherine's Stairs, while poor little Jack Dangerous was being smuggled +away from Gravesend to Jamaica. + +And to Jamaica I should have gone to be sold as a Slave, but for the +strange occurrence of the Captain taking a liking to me. He dared not +have kept me among the convicts, as the Sheriff at Port Royal would have +had a List in Duplicate of their names sent out by a fast-sailing King's +Ship; for the Government at Home had some faint Suspicion of the +prevailing custom of Kidnapping, and made some Feeble Attempts to stop +it. But he would have kept me on board as a ship-boy till the Auction of +the Transports was over, and then he would have coolly sold me, for as +much as I would fetch, to some Merchant of Kingston or Port Royal, who +was used to deal in flesh and blood, and who, in due course, would have +transferred me, at a profit, to some up-country planter. + +"But that shall never be, Jack my hearty," Captain Handsell exclaimed, +when, after many more pipes of Tobacco and rummers of Punch, he had +explained these wonderful things to me. "I shall lose my half share in +the venture, and shall have to tell a rare lie to yonder old +Skin-a-flea-for-the-hide-and-fat in London; but what o' that? I tell +thee I won't have the sale of thy flesh and blood on my conscience. No +slave shall you be, forsooth. I have an aunt at Kingston, as honest a +woman as ever broke biscuit, although she has got a dash of the +tar-brush on her mug, and she shall take charge of thee; and if thou +were a gentleman born, I'll be hanged if thou sha'n't be a gentleman +bred." + +It would have been more fitted to the performance of this Honourable +and Upright Action towards one that he had no motive at all in serving +(in Fact, his Interest lay right the other way), that I should be able +to chronicle a sensible Reformation in my Commander's bearing and +conduct towards others; but, alas, that I am unable to do; the truth +being that he continued, unto the very end of our voyage, to be towards +the Hands the same brutal and merciless Tyrant that he had once, in the +days of his Rope's-End Discipline, been towards me. 'Twas Punch and +Cobbing, Tobacco and Ugly Words, from the rising of the Sun until the +setting of the same. And for this reason it is (having seen so many +Contradictions in Human character) that I am never surprised to hear of +a Good Action on the part of a very Bad Man, or of a Bad Action done by +him who is ordinarily accounted a very Good one. + +_The Humane Hopwood_ was a very shy Sailer,--being, in truth, as Leaky +an old Tub as ever escaped breaking up for Fire-Wood at Lumberers' +Wharfs,--and we were seven weeks at Sea before we fell in with a +trade-wind, and then setting every Rag we could hoist, went gaily before +that Favourable breeze, and so cast anchor at Port Royal in the island +of Jamaica. + +Captain Handsell was as good as his word. Not a syllable did he say to +the Sheriff of Kingston about my not being a Transport, or being, +indeed, in the Flesh at all in those parts; for he argued that the +Sheriff might have some foregatherings with the Knight and Alderman of +Bishopsgate Street by correspondence, and that the Wealthy Extortioner +might make use of his credit in the Sugar Islands to do me, some day or +another, an ill turn. But he had me privily on shore when the Transports +had all been assigned to different task-masters; and in due time he +introduced me to his Aunt, his Brother's Wife indeed (and I believe he +had come out to the Island with an Old-Bailey Passport; but Rum and the +climate had been too strong for him, and he had so Died and left her a +Widow). + +She was by right and title, then, Mistress Handsell, with the Christian +name of Sarah; but among the coloured people of Kingston she went by the +name of Maum Buckey, and, among her more immediate intimates, as "Yaller +Sally." And, although she passed for being very Wealthy, I declare that +she was nothing but a Washerwoman. This Washing Trade of hers, however, +which she carried on for the King and Merchants' ships that were in +Harbour, and for nearly all the rich Merchants and Traders of Kingston, +brought Maum Buckey in a very pretty penny; and not only was her tub +commerce a brisk ready-money business, but she had two flourishing +plantations--one for the growing of Coffee, and the other of Sugar--near +the town of Savannah de la Mar. Moreover, she had a distillery of Rum +and Arrack in Kingston itself, and everybody agreed that she must be +very well to do in the world. She was an immensely fat old Mulotter +woman, on the wrong side of Fifty when I knew her, and her Mother had +been a slave that had been the Favourite Housekeeper to the English +Governor, who, dying, left her her Freedom, and enough Money to carry +on that Trade of cleansing clothes which her Daughter afterwards made so +profitable. + +Maum Buckey and I soon became very good friends. She was proud of her +relationship with a white Englishman--"a right go-down Buckra" as she +called him--who commanded a ship, and besides recommended her to other +gentlemen in his way for a Washerwoman; and although she took care to +inform me, before we had been twenty-four hours acquainted, that her +Husband, Sam Handsell, has been a sad Rascal, who would have drunk all +her Money away, had he not Timeously drunk himself to death, she made me +the friendliest welcome, and promised that she would do all she could +for me, "the little piccaninny buckra," who was set down by Mr. Handsell +as being the son of an old Shipmate of his that had met with +misfortunes. After a six weeks' stay in the island, and _The Humane +Hopwood_ getting Freight in the way of Sugar, Captain Handsell bade me +good by, and set sail with a fair wind for Bristol, England. I never +set Eyes upon him again. You see, my Friends, that this is no +cunningly-spun Romance, in which a character disappears for a Season, +and turns up again, as pat as you please, at the end of the Fourth +Volume; but a plain Narrative of Facts, in which the Personages +introduced must needs Come and Go precisely as they Came and Went to me +in Real Life. I have often wished, when I had Power and Riches, to meet +with and show my Gratitude to the rough old Sea-Porpoise that used to +Rope's-End me so, and was so tearing a Tyrant to his Hands, and yet in a +mere fit of kind-heartedness played the Honest Man to me, when All +Things seemed against me, and rescued John Dangerous from a Foul and +Wicked Trap. + +Maum Buckey had a great rambling house--it had but one Storey, with a +Piazza running round, but a huge number of Rooms and Yards--in the +suburbs of Kingston. There did I take up my abode. She had at least +twenty Negro and Mulotter Women and Girls that worked for her at the +Washing, and at Starching and Ironing, for the Mill was always going +with her. 'Twas wash, wash, wash, and wring, wring, wring, and scrub, +scrub, scrub, all day and all night too, when the harbour was full of +ships. Not that she ever touched Soapsuds or Flat-iron or +Goffering-stick herself. She was vastly too much of a Fine Lady for +that, and would loll about in a great chair,--one Negro child fanning +her with a great Palmetto, and another tickling the soles of her +feet,--sipping her Sangaree as daintily as you please. She was the most +ignorant old creature that ever was known, could neither read nor write, +and made a sad jumble of the King's English when she spoke; yet, by mere +natural quickness and rule-of-thumb, she could calculate to a Joe how +much a Shipmaster's Washing-Bill came to. And when she had settled that +according to her Scale of Charges, which were of the most Exorbitant +Kind, she would Grin and say, "He dam ship, good consignee;" or, "He dam +ship, dam rich owner; stick him on 'nother dam fi' poun' English, my +chile;" and for some curious reason or another, 'twas seldom that a +shipmaster cared to quarrel with Maum Buckey's Washing-Bills. She, being +so unlettered, had been compelled to engage all manner of Whites who +could write and read--now Transports, now Free--to keep her accounts, +and draw her necessary writings; but it was hard to tell which were the +greatest Rogues, the Convicts whose term was out, or the Free Gentlemen +who had come out without a pair of iron garters to their hose. In those +days all our plantations, and Jamaica most notably, were full of the +very Scum and Riffraff of our English towns. 'Twas as though you had let +Fleet Ditch, dead dogs and all, loose on a West-India Island. That +Ragged Regiment which Falstaff in the Play would not march through +Coventry with were at free quarters in Jamaica, leave alone the regular +garrison of King's Troops, of which the private men were mostly +pickpockets, poachers, and runaway serving-men, who had enlisted to save +themselves from a merry-go-round at Rope Fair; and the officers the +worst and most abandoned Gentlemen that ever wore his Majesty's +cockade, and gave themselves airs because they had three-quarters of a +yard of black ribbon crinked up in their hats. Captain This, who had +been kicked out of a Charing-Cross coffee-house for pocketing a +Punch-ladle while the drawer was not looking; Lieutenant That, who had +been caned on the Mall for cheating at cards; and Ensign T'other, who +had been my lord's valet, and married his Madam for enough cash to buy a +pair of colours withal--Military gentlemen of this feather used to serve +in the West Indies in those days, and swagger about Kingston as proud as +peacocks, when every one of them had done that at home they should be +cashiered for. Maum Buckey would not have to do with these +light-come-light-go gallants. "Me wash for Gem'n Ship-Cap'n, Gem'n +Marchants, Gem'n Keep-store," she would observe; "me not wash for dam +Soger-officer." + +Her Sugar Plantation was in charge of a shrewd North-countryman, against +whom, save that he was a runaway bankrupt from Hull in England, there +was nothing to say. Her Coffee Estate was managed by an Irishman that +had married, as he thought, a great Fortune, but found the day after his +wedding that she but a fortune-hunter like himself, and had at least +three husbands living in divers parts of the world. And finally, the +Distillery had for overseer one, an Englishman, that had been a Horse +Couper, and a runner for the Crimps at Wapping, and a supercargo that +was not too honest,--albeit he had to keep his accounts pretty square +with Maum Buckey, than whom there never was a woman who had a keener Eye +for business or a finer Scent for a Rogue. + +She made me her Bookkeeper for the Washing Department. 'Twas not a very +dignified Employment for one that had been a young Gentleman, but 'twas +vastly better than the Fate of one who, but for a mere Accident, might +have been a young Slave. So I kept Maum Buckey's Books, teaching myself +how to do so featly from a Ready Reckoner and Accomptant's Assistant +(Mr. Cocker's), which I bought at a Bookstore in Kingston. The work was +pretty hard, and the old Dame of the Tub kept me tightly enough at it; +but when the work was over she was very kind to me, and we had the very +best of living: ducks and geese and turkeys and pork (of which the +Mulotter women are inordinately fond, although I never could reconcile +to myself how their stomachs, in so hot a climate, could endure so +Luscious a Food); fish of the primest from the Harbour of Port Royal, +lobsters and crabs and turtle (which last is as cheap as Tripe with us, +and so plentiful, that the Niggers will sometimes disdain to eat it, +though 'tis excellent served as soup in the creature's own shell, and a +most digestible Viand); to say nothing of bananas, shaddock, mango, +plantains, and the many delicious fruits and vegetables of that Fertile +Colony; where, if the land-breeze in the morning did not half choke you +with harsh dust, and the sea-breeze in the afternoon pierce you to the +marrow with deadly chills, and if one could abstain from surfeits of +fruits and over-drinking of the too abundant ardent spirits of the +country, a man might live a very jovial kind of life. However, I was +young and healthy, and, though never a shirker of my glass in +after-days, prudently moderate in my Potations. During four years that I +passed in the Island of Jamaica (one of the brightest jewels in the +British Crown, and as Loyal, I delight to say, as I am myself), I don't +think I had the Yellow Fever more than three times, and at last grew as +tough as leather, and could say Bo to a land-crab (how many a White +Man's carcass have those crabs picked clean at the Palisadoes!), as +though I feared him no more than a Green Goose. + +It may be fitting here that I should say something about that Abominable +Curse of Negro Slavery, which was then so Familiar and Unquestioned a +Thing in all our Colonies, that its innate and Detestable Wickedness was +scarcely taken into account in men's minds. Speaking only by the Card, +and of that which I saw with my own eyes, I don't think that Maum Buckey +was any crueller than other slave-owners of her class: for 'tis well +known that the Mulotter women are far more severe task-mistresses than +the Whites. But, Lord! Whites and coloured people, who in the West +Indies are permitted, when free, to own their fellow-creatures who are +only a shade darker in colour than they, left little to choose betwixt +on the score of cruelty. When I tell you that I have seen Slave Women +and Girls chained to the washing-tub, their naked bodies all one gore of +blood from the lashes of the whip; that on the public wharf at Kingston +I have seen a Negro man drawn up by his hands to a crane used for +lifting merchandise, while his toes, that barely touched the ground, +were ballasted with a thirty-pound weight, and, in that Trim, beaten +with the Raw Hide or with Tamarind-Bushes till you could lay your two +fingers in the furrows made by the whip (with which expert Scourgineers +boast they can lay deep ruts in a Deal Board), or else I have seen the +poor Miserable Wretch the next day lying on his face on the Beach, and a +Comrade taking the prickles of the Tamarind-Stubs, which are tempered in +the Fire, and far worse than English Thornbushes, out of his back;--you +may imagine that 'twas no milk-and-water Regimen that the slaves in the +West Indies had to undergo at the hands of their Hard masters and +mistresses. Also, I have known slaves taken to the Sick-House, or +Hospital, so dreadfully mangled with unmerciful correction as for their +wounds to be one mass of putrefaction, and they shortly do give up the +Ghost; while, at other times, I have seen unfortunate creatures that had +been so lacerated, both back and front, as to be obliged to crawl about +on All Fours. Likewise have I seen Negro men, Negro women, yea, and +Negro children, with iron collars and prongs about their necks; with +logs riveted to their legs, with their Ears torn off, their Nostrils +slit, their Cheeks branded, and otherwise most frightfully Mutilated. +Item, I have known at the dinner-table of a Planter of wealth and +repute, the Jumper, or Public Flogger, to come in and ask if Master and +Missee had any commands for him; and, by the order of the Lady of the +House, take out two Decent Women that had been waiting at the table, +and give them fifty lashes apiece on the public parade, every stroke +drawing Blood and bringing Flesh with it, and they, when all was over, +embracing and thanking him for their Punishment, as was the custom of +the Colony.[B] Item, within my own knowledge have I been made familiar +with many acts of the Deepest Barbarity. Mistresses, for Jealousy or +Caprice, pouring boiling-water or hot melted Sealing-Wax on their slave +girls' flesh after they had suffered the worst Tortures of the whip; and +white Ladies of Education rubbing Cayenne-pepper into the eyes of +Negroes who had offended them, or singeing the tenderest parts of their +limbs with sticks of fire. And of one horrid instance have I heard of +Malignant and Hellish revenge in Two Ladies who were Sisters (and bred +at a Fine Boarding-School in England), who, having a spite against a +yellow woman that attended on them, did tie her hands and feet, and so +beat her nearly to death with the heels of their slippers; and not +satisfied with that, or with laving her gashed body with Vinegar and +Chillies, did send for a Negro man, and bid him, under threats of +punishment, strike out two of the Victim's teeth with a punch, which, to +the shame of Human Womanhood, was done. + +But enough of these Horrors:--not the worst that I have seen, though, in +the course of my Adventures; only I will not further sicken you with the +Recital of the Sufferings inflicted on the Wretched Creatures by Ladies +and Gentlemen, who had had the first breeding, and went to Church every +Sunday. I have merely set down these dreadful things to work out the +theory of my Belief, that the World is growing Milder and more Merciful +every day; and that the Barbarities which were once openly practised in +the broad sunshine, and without e'er a one lifting finger or wagging +tongue against them, are becoming rarer and rarer, and will soon be +Impossible of Commission. The unspeakable Miseries of the Middle Passage +(of which I have been an eye-witness) exist no more; really Humane and +Charitable Gentlemen, not such False Rogues and Kidnappers as your +Hopwoods, are bestirring themselves in Parliament and elsewhere to +better the Dolorous Condition of the Negro; and although it may be a +Decree of Providence that the children of Ham are to continue always +slaves and servants to their white brethren, I see every day that men's +hearts are being more and more benevolently turned towards them, and +that laws, ere long, will be made to forbid their being treated worse +than the beasts that perish. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[A] Captain Dangerous! Captain Dangerous!--ED. + +[B] That which I have made Captain Dangerous relate in fiction will be +found narrated, act for act, and nearly word for word, in the very +unromantic evidence given before the first parliamentary committee on +slavery and the slave-trade moved for by Mr. Clarkson.--ED. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND. + + OF OTHER MY ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO BE A + MAN. + + +THUS in a sultry colony, among Black Negroes and their cruel +Task-masters, and I the clerk to a Mulotter Washerwoman, did I come to +be full sixteen years of age, and a stalwart Lad of my inches. But for +that Fate, which from the first irrevocably decreed that mine was to be +a Roving Life, almost to its end, I might have continued in the employ +of Maum Buckey until Manhood overtook me. The Dame was not unfavourable +towards me; and, without vanity, may I say that, had I waited my +occasion, 'tis not unlikely but that I might have married her, and +become the possessor of her plump Money-Bags, full of Moidores, pilar +Dollars, and pieces of Eight. Happily I was not permitted so to +disparage my lineage, and put a coffee-coloured blot on my escutcheon. +No, my Lilias is no Mulotter Quartercaste. 'Twas my roving propensity +that made me set but little store by the sugar-eyes and Molasses-speech +which Madam Soapsuds was not loth to bestow on me, a tall and likely +Lad. I valued her sweetness just as though it had been so much +cane-trash. With much impatience I had waited for the coming back of my +friendly skipper, that he might advise me as to my future career. But, +as I have already warned the Reader, it was fated that I was to see that +kindly shipmaster no more. Once, indeed, the old ship came into Port +Royal, and right eagerly did I take boat and board her. But her name had +been changed from _The Humane Hopwood_ to _The Protestant Pledge_. She +was in the Guinea trade now, and brought Negroes, poor souls! to slave +in our Plantations. The Mariner that was her commander had but dismal +news to tell me of my friendly Handsell. He, returning to the old +country, had it seems a Mighty Quarrel with his Patron--and my Patron +too, forsooth!--Villain Hopwood. Whether he had reproached him with his +treachery to me or not, I know not; but it is certain that both parted +full of Wrath and High Disdain, and each swearing to be the Ruin of the +other. But Gold had, as it has always in a Mammon-ridden world, the +longest, strongest pull. Devil Hopwood found it easy to get the better +of a poor unlettered tarpaulin, that knew well enough the way into a +Wapping Alehouse, but quite lost himself in threading the mazes of a +great man's Antechamber. 'Tis inconceivable how much dirty work there +was done in my young days between Corinthian columns and over Turkey +carpets, and under ceilings painted by Verrio and Laguerre. Sir Basil, I +believe, went to a great man, and puts a hundred guineas into the hands +of his Gentleman--by the which I mean his Menial Servant, save that he +wore no Livery; but there's many a Base wretch hath his soul in plush, +and the Devil's aigulets on his heart. How much out of the Hundred my +Lord took, and how much his Gentleman kept, it serves not to inquire. +They struck a Bargain, and short was the Time before Ruin came swooping +down on Captain Handsell. He had gone into the Channel trade; and they +must needs have him exchequered for smuggling brandies and lace from St. +Malo's. Quick on this follows a criminal Indictment, from which, as a +Fool, he flies; for he might at least have threatened to say damaging +things of Brute Basil in the dock, and have made terms with him before +trial came on. And then he must needs take command of a miserable lugger +that fetched and carried between Deal and Dunquerque--the old, old, +sorry tinpot business of kegs of strong waters, and worse contraband in +the guise of Jacobite despatches. To think of brave men's lives being +risked in these twopenny errands, and a heart of Oak brought to the +gallows, that clowns may get drunk the cheaper, or traitors--for your +Jacobite conspirators were but handy-dandy Judases, now to King James +and now to King George--exchange their rubbishing ciphers the easier! +It drives me wild to think of these pinchbeck enterprises. If a Man's +tastes lead him towards the Open, the Bold, and the Free, e'en let him +ship himself off to a far climate, the hotter the better, where Prizes +are rich, and the King's writ in Assault and Battery runneth not,--nor +for a great many other things ayont Assault and Battery,--and where, up +a snug creek, of which he knows the pilotage well, he may give a good +account of a King's ship when he finds her. He who does any thing +contrair to English law within five hundred leagues of an English lawyer +or an English law-court is a very Ass and Dolt. Fees and costs will have +their cravings; and from the process-server to the Hangman all will have +their due. Give me an offing, where there is no law but that of the +strong hand and the bold Heart. Any sharks but land-sharks for John +Dangerous. I never see a parchment-visaged, fee-clutching limb of the +law but I long to beat him, and, if I had him on blue water, to trice +him up higher than ever he went before. But for a keg of brandy! But for +a packet of treason-papers! Shame! 'tis base, 'tis idiotic. And this +did the unlucky Handsell find to his cost. I believe he was slain in a +midnight affray with some Riding Officers of the Customs close unto +Deal, about two years after his going into a trade that was as mean as +it was perilous. + +So no more Hope for me from that quarter. The skipper of _The Protestant +Pledge_ would have retained me on board for a Carouse; but I had too +much care for my Head and my Liver for such pranks, and went back, as +dolefully as might be, to keep Maum Buckey's washing-books. I chafed at +the thought that I could do no more. I told her the grim news I had +heard of her brother-in-law, whereat she wept somewhat; for where Whites +were concerned she was not a hard-hearted woman. But she cheered up +speedily, saying that Sam had come to as sorry an end, and that she +supposed there was but one way with the Handsells, Rum and Riot being +generally their Ruin. + +As it is one of the failings of youth not to know when it is well off, +and to grow A-weary even of continued prosperity, I admit that the life +I led palled upon me, and that I longed to change it. But it was not, +all things considered, so very unpleasant a one. True, the employment +was a sorry one, and utterly beneath the dignity of a Gentleman, such as +bearing fardels in the streets or unloading casks and bales at the +wharf, for instance. But it is in man's nature never to be satisfied, +and when he is well to long to be better, and so, by force of striving, +to tumble into a Hole, where indeed he is at the Best, for he is Dead. +At this distance of time, though I have many comforts around +me,--Worldly Goods, a Reputable name, my Child, and her Husband,--I +still look back on my old life in Jamaica, and confess that Providence +dealt very mercifully with me in those bygone days. For I had enough to +eat and to drink, and a Mistress who, although Passionate and +Quarrelsome enough by times, was not unkind. If she would swear, she +would also tender gentle Language upon occasion; and if she would throw +things, she was not backward in giving one a dollar to heal one's pate. +An odd life it was, truly. There was very little of that magnificence +about the town of Port Royal in my days which I have heard the Creoles +to boast about. It may have been handsome enough in the Spaniard's +Reign, or in King Charles the Second's; but I have heard that its most +comely parts had been swallowed up by an Earthquake, and, when I +remember it, the Main thoroughfare was like nothing half so much as the +Fag End of Kent Street in the Borough, where the Broom-men live. As for +public scavengers--humane at least--there were none; for that salutary +practice of putting rebellious Blacks into chain-gangs, and making them +sweep the streets,--which might be well done in London with Pickpockets +and the like trash, to their souls' health and the benefit of the Body +politic,--did not then obtain. The only way of clearing the offal was by +the obscene birds that flew down from the hills; Messieurs the +landcrabs, who were assuredly the best scavengers of all, not stirring +beyond the Palisadoes. Some things were very cheap, but others +inordinately dear. Veal was at a prodigious price; and 'twas a common +saying, that you could buy Four children in England cheaper than you +could one calf in Jamaica. But for the products and dishes of the +colony, which I have elsewhere hinted at, all was as low-priced as it +was abundant. What droll names did they give, too, unto their fish and +flesh and fowl! How often have you in England heard of Crampos, +Bonettas, Ringrays, Albacoras, and Sea-adders, among fish; of Noddies +and Boobies and Pitternells and Sheerwaters among birds? And Calialou +Soup, and Pepperpot to break your Fast withal in the morning, and make +you feel, ere you get accustomed to that Fiery victual, like a +Salamander for some hours afterwards! + +Now and then also, with some other young white folks with whom I had +stricken up acquaintance,--clerks, storekeepers, and the like,--would we +seek out the dusky beauties of the town in their own quarters, and shake +a leg at their Dignity Routs, Blackamoor Drums, and Pumpkin-Faced +Assemblies, or by what other name the poor Black wretches might choose +to call their uproarious merrymakings. There, in some shed, all hustled +together as a Moorfields Sweetener does luck in a bag, would be a mob of +men and women Negroes, all dressed in their bravest finery, although +little of it was to be seen either on their Backs or their Feet; the +Head being the part of their Bodies which they chiefly delight to +ornament. Such ribbons and owches, such gay-coloured rags and blazing +tatters, would they assume, and to the Trips and Rounds played to them +by some Varlet of a black fiddler, with his hat at a prodigious cock, +and mounted on a Tub, like unto the sign of the Indian Bacchus at the +Tobacconist's, would they dance and stamp and foot it merrily--with +plenty of fruit, salt fish, pork, roasted plantain, and so forth, to +regale themselves withal, not forgetting punch and sangaree--quite +forgetful, poor mercurial wretches, for the time being of Fetters and +the Scourge and the Driver that would hurry them to their dire labour +the morrow morn. Surely there never did exist so volatile, +light-spirited, feather-brained a race as these same Negro Blacks. They +will whistle and crack nuts, ay and dance and sing to the music of the +Fiddle or the Banjar an hour after the skin has been half flayed off +their backs. They seem to bear no particular Malice to their Tormentors, +so long as their weekly rations of plantain, yam, or salt fish, be not +denied them, and that they have Osnaburgs enow to make them shirts and +petticoats to cover themselves. Give them but these, and their dance at +Christmas time, with a kind word thrown to them now and again, just as +you would fling a marrow-bone to a dog, and they will get along well +enough in slavery, almost grinning at its Horrors and making light of +its unutterable Woes. I never saw so droll a people in my life. Nor is +it the less astonishing thing about them that, beneath all this seeming +lightheartedness and jollity, there often lies smouldering a Fire of the +Fiercest passion and blackest revenge. The dark-skinned fellow who may +be flapping the flies away from you in the morning, and bearing your +kicks and cuffs as though they were so many cates and caresses, may, in +the evening, make one in a circle of Heathen monsters joined together to +listen to the Devilish Incantations of the Obeah man,--to mingle in +ceremonies most hideous and abominable, and of which perhaps that of +swearing eternal Hatred to the White Race over a calabash that is made +out of the skull of a new-born Babe, and filled with Dirt, Rum, and +Blood mixed together, is perchance the least horrid. And yet I don't +think the unhappy creatures are by nature either treacherous, malicious, +or cruel. 'Tis only when the fit seizes them. Like the Elephants, the +idea suddenly comes over them that they are wronged--that 'tis the White +Man who has wrought them all these evils, and that they are bound to +Trample him to bleeding mud without more ado. But 'tis all done in a +capricious cobweb-headed manner; and on the morrow they are as quiet and +good-tempered as may be. Then, just as suddenly, will come over them a +fit of despondency, or dark, dull, brooding Melancholy. If they are at +sea, they will cast themselves into the waves and swim right toward the +sharks, whose jaws are yawning to devour them. If they are on dry land, +they will, for days together, refuse all food, or worse still, go +dirt-eating, stuffing themselves with clay till they have the _mal +d'estomac_, and so die: this _mal_, of which our English stomach-ache +gives no valid translation (which must prove my excuse for placing here +a foreign word), being, with the Yaws, their most frequent and fatal +complaint. Of a less perplexing nature also are their fits of the Sulks, +when, for more than a week at a time, they will remain wholly mute and +intractably obstinate, folding their arms or squatting on their hams, +and refusing either to move or speak, whatsoever threats may be uttered +or enforced against them, and setting no more store by the deep +furrowing cuts of the Cowhide whip (that will make marks in a deal +board, if well laid on, the which I have often seen) than by the +buzzings of a Shambles Fly. They had many ways of treating these fits of +the sulks, in my time all of them cruel, and none of them successful. +One was, to set the poor wretches in the stocks, or the bilboes, rubbing +chillies into the eyes to keep them from going to sleep. Another was a +dose of the Fire-cane, as it was called, which was just a long paddle, +or slender oar, pierced with holes at the broadest part, with the which +the patient being belaboured, a blister on the fish rose to each hole of +the Paddle. A curious method, and one much followed; but the Negroes +sulked all the more for it. There was a Dutch woman from Surinam, who +had brought with her from that plantation of the Hollanders that highly +Ingenious Mode of Torment known as the "Spanso Bocko."[C] The manner of +it was this. You took your Negro and tied him wrists and ankles, so +bending him into a neat curve. Then, if his spine did not crack the +while, you thrust a stake between his legs, and having thus comfortably +Trussed him, pullet fashion, you laid him on the ground one side +upwards, and at your leisure scarified him from one cheek to one heel +with any instrument of Torture that came handy. Then he (or she, it did +not at all matter in the Dutchwoman's esteem), being one gore of welts +and gashes, was thought to be Done enough on one side, and consequently +required Doing t'other. So one that stood by to help just took hold of +the stake and turned the Human Pullet over, and then he was so +thoroughly basted as sometimes to be Done a little too much, often dying +on the spot from that Rib wasting. Oh, it was rare sport! I wonder +whereabouts in the nethermost Hell the cunning Dutchman is now who first +devised this torment; also the Dutchwoman who practised it? I can fancy +Signor Beelzebub and his Imps taking a keen delight in _their_ +application of the Spanso Bocko. The which I never knew it cure a Negro +of the sulks. They would force back their tongues into their gullets +while the torment was going on, determined not so much as to utter a +moan, and, having a peculiar Art that way, brought by them from their +own country, would often contrive to suffocate themselves and Expire. +Their own country! That is what one of the miserable beings said when, +being threatened with torment of a peculiar, outrageous nature, he flung +himself into a cauldron of boiling sugar, and was scalded to death on +the instant. Let me not omit to mention while I am on this chapter of +Brutality--wreaked by Christian men upon poor Heathen savages, for many +of them were not many weeks from Guinea and Old Calabar, where they had +been worshiping Mumbo Jumbo, and making war upon one another in their +own Pagan fashion--that I have known Planters even more refined in their +cruelty. They would make their slaves drink salt water, and then set +them out in the hot sun tied to the outside posts of the Piazza. The end +of that was, that they went Raving Mad, gnawing their Tongues and poor +blubberous Lips to pieces[D] before they died. Another genius, who was a +proficient in his Humanities, and quite of a classic frame of mind in +his cruelties, bethought himself of a mode of Torture much practised +among the Ancient Persians, and so must needs smear the body of an +unhappy Negro all over with molasses. Then, binding him fast to a stake +in the open, the flies and mosquitoes got at him,--for he was kept there +from one morning until the next,--and he presently gave up the Ghost. +But nothing that I ever saw or heard of during the time of my living in +the Western Indies, could equal the Romantic Torture, not so much +invented as imported, by a Gentleman Merchant who had lived among the +islands of the Grecian Archipelago, and whose jocose humour it was to +imprison his women slaves in loose garments of leather, very tightly +secured, however, at the wrists, neck, and ankles. In the same garments, +before fastening round the limbs of the victim, one or more Infuriated +cats were introduced; the which ferocious animals, playfully disporting +themselves in their attempt to find a point of egress, would so up and +tear, and mangle, and lacerate, with their Terrible claws, the flesh of +the sufferers, that not all the Brine-washing or pepper-pod-rubbing in +the world, afterwards humanely resorted to on their release from their +leathern sepulchre, would save them from mortification. There was a +completeness and gusto about this Performance that always made me think +my Gentleman Merchant from the Greek Islands a very Great Mind. The mere +vulgar imitations of his Process which, in times more Modern, I have +heard of--such as taking an angry cat by the tail and drawing its claws +all abroad down the back of a Negro strapped on to a plank, so making a +map of all the rivers in Tartarus from his neck to his loins--are, in my +holding, beneath contempt. There is positive Genius in that idea of +shutting up the cats in a hide-bound prison, and so letting them work +their own wills on the inner walls; and I hope my Gentleman Merchant has +as warm a niche in Signor Beelzebub's Temple of Fame, as the Great Dutch +Philosopher who first dreamt of the Spanso Bocko. + +Before I left the island of Jamaica, there befell me an adventure which +I may briefly narrate. It being the sickly season and very few ships in +port, Maum Buckey's business was somewhat at a stand-still, and with +little difficulty I obtained from her a fortnight's holiday. I might +have spent it with no small pleasure, and even profit, at one of her +up-country plantations, or at the Estate of some other Planter; for I +had friends and to spare among the white Overseers and Bookkeepers; and +although the Gentry--that is to say, the Enriched Adventurers, who +deemed themselves such--were of course too High and Mighty to associate +with one of my Mean Station, I was at no loss for companions among those +of my own degree. So bent upon a frolic, and being by this time a good +Rider and a capital shot, I joined a band of wild young Slips like +myself, to go up the country hunting the miserable Negroes that had +Marooned, as it was called. These Maroons were runaway slaves who had +bid a sudden good-by to bolts and shackles, whips and rods, and shown +their Tyrants a clean pair of heels, finding their covert in the dense +jungles that covered the mountain slopes, where they lived on the wild +animals and birds they could shoot or snare, and sometimes making +descents to the nearest plantations, thence to carry off cattle, ponies, +or pigs, or whatever else they could lay their felonious hands upon. +These were the Blacks again, you will say, with a vengeance, and at many +Thousand Miles' distance from Charlwood Chase: but those poor varlets of +Deerstealers in England never dreamt of taking Human Life, save when +defending their own, in a fair stand-up Fight; whereas the Maroons had +no such scruples, and spared neither age, nor sex, nor Degree--that had +a white skin--in their bloodthirsty frenzy. The Savage Indians in the +American plantations, who will swoop down on some peaceful English +settlement, slaying, scalping, and Burning up men, women, and +children,--with other Horrors and Outrages not to be described in decent +terms,--are just on a par with these black Maroons. Now and again would +be found among them some Household Runaways, or Field Hands born into +slavery on the Plantations,--and these were most useful in acting as +spies or scouts; but as a rule the Head Men and Boldest Villains among +the Maroons were Savage Negroes, just fresh from Africa, on whom the +bonds of servitude had sate but for a short time, and who in the jungle +were as much at Home as though they were in their native wilds again. Of +great stature, of prodigious strength, amazing Agility, and astounding +natural cunning, these creatures were as ferocious as Wild Baboons that +had lived among civilized mankind just long enough to learn the Art of +firing off a Gun and wielding a cutlass, instead of brandishing a +Tree-branch or heaving a Cocoa-nut. They were without Pity; they were +without knowledge that theirs was a cut-throat, nay, a cannibal trade. +The white man had made war on them, and torn them from their Homes, +where they were happy enough in their Dirt and Grease, their War-paint, +and their idolatrous worship of Obeah and Bungey. 'Twas these +Men-monsters that we went to hunt. The Planters themselves were +somewhat chary of dealing with them; for the cruelty which the Maroons +inflicted on those who fell into their power were Awful alone to +contemplate, much more so to Endure; but they were glad enough when any +gang of young Desperadoes of the meaner white sort--which, speaking not +for myself, I am inclined to believe the Meanest and most Despicable of +any sort or condition of Humanity--would volunteer to go on a Maroon +Hunt. We were to have a Handsome Recompense, whether our enterprise +succeeded or failed; but were likewise stimulated to increased exertion +by the covenanted promise of so many dollars--I forget how many now--for +every head of a Maroon that we brought at our saddlebows to the place of +Rendezvous. And so we started one summer morning, some twenty strong, +all young, valiant, and not overscrupulous, armed, I need scarcely say, +to the teeth, and mounted on the rough but fleet ponies of the country. + +A train of Negroes on whom we could Depend--that is, by the strict +application of the law of Fear, not Kindness, and who stood in such +Terror of us, and of our ever-ready Thongs, Halters, Pistols, and +Cutlasses, as scarcely to dare call their souls their own--followed us +with Sumpter mules well laden with provisions, kegs of drink, both of +water and ardent, and additional ammunition. I was full of glee at the +prospects of this Foray, vowed that it was a hundred times pleasanter +than making out Maum Buckey's washing-books, and hearing her scold her +laundry-wenches; and longed to prove to my companions that the Prowess I +had shown at twelve--ay, and before that age, when I brained the +Grenadier with the Demijohn--had not degenerated now that I was turned +sixteen, and far away from my own country. So we rode and rode, who but +we, and dined gaily under spreading trees, boasting of the brave deeds +we would do when we had tracked the black Marooning vagabonds to their +lair. At which those Negro servants upon whom we could depend grinned +from ear to ear, and told us in their lingo that they "oped we would +soon Dam black negar tief out, and burn his Fader like canebrake." +"'Tis strange," I thought, "that these creatures have not more +compassion for their fellows whom we are hunting." To be sure, they were +mostly of the Household breed, between whom and the fresh-imported +Negroes held to field-service there is little sympathy. It escaped me to +tell you that we had with us yet more powerful and Trustworthy +auxiliaries than either our arms, our Horses, or our servants; being +none other than nine couples of ferocious Bloodhounds, of a breed now +extinct in Jamaica, and to be found only at this present moment, I +believe, in the island of Cuba. These animals, which were of a terrible +Ferocity and exquisitely keen scent, were kept specially for the purpose +of hunting Maroons,--such are the Engines which Tyrannical Slavery is +compelled to have recourse to,--and were purposely deprived of food +beyond that necessary for their bare sustenance, that they might more +fully relish the Recompense that awaited them when they had hunted down +their prey. + +Gaily we went on our Road rejoicing, now by mere bridle-paths, and now +plunging our hardy little steeds right through the bristling underwood, +when there burst upon us one of those terrible Tornadoes, or Tempests of +wind and rain, so common in the Western Indies. The water came down in +great solid sheets, drenching us to the skin in a moment; the sky was +lit up for hundreds of miles round by huge blasts of lurid fire; the +wind tore great branches off trees, and hurled them across the bows of +our saddles, or battered our faces with their soaked leaves or sharp +prickles. The very Dogs were blinded and baffled by this tremendous +protest of nature; and in the very midst of the storm there broke from +an ambuscade a band of Maroons, three times as strong as our own, who +fell upon us like incarnate Demons as they were. Our hounds had found +their scent long before,--just after dinner, indeed,--and we had been +following it for some two hours;--even now it was Reeking close upon us, +but we little deemed how Near. I suppose that those Negro Rascals, whom +we had trusted so implicitly, and on whom we thought that we could +Depend so thoroughly, had Betrayed us. This was the second time in my +short Life that I fallen into an Ambuscade; and Lo! each time the +"Blacks" had been mixed up with my misadventure. + +These naked Maroons cared nothing about the Storm, whose torrents ran +off their well-oiled carcasses like water off a Duck's back. There was a +very Devil of a fight. 'Twas every one for himself, and the Tempest for +us all. The Runaways were well armed, and besides could use their teeth +and nails to better advantage than many a doughty Fighting man can use +his weapons, and clawed and tore at us like Wild Beasts. I doubt not we +should have got the worst of it, but that we were Mounted,--and a Man on +horseback is three times a Footman in a Hand-to-Hand encounter; and +again, that our good friends the bloodhounds, that had been scared +somewhat at the outset, recovered their self-possession, and proceeded +each to pin his Maroon, and to rend him to pieces with great +deliberation. In the end, that is to say, after about twenty-seven +minutes' sharp tussling, Dogs, Horses, and Men were victorious; and, as +we surveyed the scene of our Triumph, the storm had spent its fury. The +black clouds cleared away as suddenly as they had darkled upon us; the +Golden Sun came out, and the dreadful scene was lit up in Splendour. +Above, indeed, it was all Beauty and Peace for Nature cannot be long +Angry. The trees all seemed stemmed and sprayed with glistering jewels; +the moisture that rose had the tints of an hundred Rainbows; the long +grass flashed and waved; the many birds in the boughs began to sing +Hymns of Thankfulness and Joy. But below, ah, me! what a Dreadful scene +of blood and Carnage, and Demoniac revenge, there was shown! Of our band +we had lost three Killed; five more were badly Wounded; and there was +not one of us but had some Hurt of greater or lesser seriousness. We had +killed a many of the Maroons; and the two or three that had escaped with +Life, albeit most grievously gashed, were speedily put out of their +misery. Had we been seeking for Runaway house-servants, we might have +taken prisoners; but with a wild African Maroon this is not serviceable. +The only thing that you can do with him, when you catch him, is to kill +him. + +The Dead Bodies of our unfortunate companions were laid across the +sumpter mule's back; but when we came to look for our train of +dependable Negroes, we found that all save three had fled. These did so +very strongly protest their Innocence, and plead their abiding by us as +a proof thereof, that I felt half inclined to hold them blameless. There +were those among us, however, who were of a far different opinion, and +were for lighting a fire of branches and Roasting them into confession. +But there was a Scotch gentleman among us by the name of MacSawby, who, +being of a Practical turn (as most of his countrymen are, and, indeed, +Edinborough in Scotland is about the most Practical town that ever I was +in), pointed out that we were all very Tired, and needed Refreshment +and Repose; that the task of Torturing Negroes gave much trouble and +consumed more time ("Aiblins it's douce wark," quoth the Scotch +gentleman); that all the wood about was sopped with wet (and a "Dry +Roast's best," said the Scotch Gentleman); and finally, that the thing +could be much better done at home, where we had proper Engines and +Instruments for inflicting Exquisite Agony, and proper Slaves to +administer the same. So that for the nonce, and for our own Convenience, +we were Merciful, and promised to defer making necessary Inquisition, by +means of Cowhide, Tamarind-bush, and Fire-cane, until our return to the +Rendezvous. + +I should tell you that I got a Hurt in my hand from a kind of short +Chopper or Tommyhawk that one of the Savages carried. 'Twas fortunately +my left hand, and seeming but a mere scratch, I thought little or +nothing about it. But at the end of the second day it began to swell and +swell to a most alarming size and tumorous discoloration, the +inflammation extending right up my arm, even to my shoulder. Then it +was agreed on all sides that the blade of the Tommyhawk with which I had +been stricken must have been anointed with some subtle and deadly +Poison, of the which not only the Maroons but the common Household and +Town Negroes have many, preparing them themselves, and obstinately +refusing, whether by hope of Reward or fear of punishment, to reveal the +secret of their components to the Whites. I had to rest at the nearest +Plantation to our battle-field; and the Planter--who had been a captain +in the Chevalier de St. George's service (the old one), that had come +out here, after the troubles of 1715, a Banished man, but had since been +pardoned, and had taken to Planting, and grown Rich--was kind enough to +permit me to be taken into his house and laid in one of his own +Guest-chambers, where I was not only tended by his own Domestics, but +was sometimes favoured with the Attention and sympathy of his angelic +Wife, a young woman of most charming countenance and lively manners, +most cheerful, pious, and Humane, taking great care of her slaves, +physicking them frequently, reading to them little books written by +persons of the Nonconforming persuasion,--a kind of doctrine that I +never could abide,--and never suffering them to be whipped upon a +Sunday. However, I grew worse; whereupon one Mr. Sprague, that set up +for surgeon, but was more like a Boatswain turned landsman than that, or +than a Horse, came to me, and was for cutting off my arm, to prevent +mortification. There were two obstacles in the way of this operation's +performance; the first being that Mr. Sprague had no proper instruments +by him beyond a fleam and a syringe, with which, and with however good a +will, you can scarcely sever a Man's limb from his Body; and the next +that Mr. Sprague was not sober. Love for a young widow had driven him to +drinking, it was said; but I think that it was more the Love of Liquor +to which his bibulous backslidings were owing. 'Twas lucky for me that +he had nor saw nor tourniquet with him. It is true that he departed in +quest of some Carpenter's Tools, which he declared would do the job +quite as well; but, again to my good luck, the carpenter was as Rare a +pottlepot as he; and they two took to boiling rum in a calabash and +drinking of it, and smoking of Tobacco, and playing at Skimming Dish +Hob, Spie the Market, Shove-halfpenny, Brag, Put, and Dilly Dally, and +other games that reminded them of the old country, for days and nights +together so that the old Negro woman that belonged to the carpenter, +seeing them gambling and drinking in the morning just as she had left +them drinking and gambling the overnight, stared with amazement like a +Mouse in a Throwster's mill. And by the time they had finished their +Rouse I was, through Heaven's kindness and the segacity of a Negro nurse +named Cubjack, cured. This woman, it is probable knew the secret of the +Poison from the bitter effects of which I was suffering. At all events, +she took me in hand, and by warm fomentations and bathings, and some +outward applications of herbs and anointed bandages, reduced the +swelling and restored my hand to its proper Form and Hue. At the end of +the week I was quite cured, and able to resume my journey back to +Kingston. I did not fail to express my gratitude to the hospitable +Planter and his Lady, and I gave the Nurse Cubjack half a dollar and a +silver tobacco-stopper that had been presented to me by Maum Buckey. + +As a perverse destiny would have it, this Tobacco-stopper, this harmless +trinket, was the very means of my losing my situation, and parting in +anger from my Pumpkin-faced Patroness. Although I was, even at the +present dating, but a raw lad, she took it into her head to be jealous +of me, and all about this silver pipe-stopper. She vowed I had given it +away to some Quadroon lass up country; she would not hearken to my +protests of having bestowed it upon the nurse who had saved my life; and +indeed when, at my instance, inquiries were made, Cubjack's replies did +not in any way bear out my statement. The unhappy creature, who had +probably sold my Tobacco-stopper for a few joes, or been deluded out of +it by the Obeah Man, and was afraid of being flogged if discovery were +made thereof, positively denied that I had given her anything beyond the +half-dollar. You see that these Negroes have no more idea of the +pernicious quality of the Sin of Lying, than has a white European +shopkeeper deluding a Lady into buying of a lustring or a paduasoy; and +see what similar vices there are engendered among savages and Christian +folks by opposite causes. + +We had a fearful war of words together, Maum Buckey and myself. She was +a bitter woman when vexed, and called me "beggar buckra," "poor white +trash," "tam lily thief," and the like. Whereat I told her plainly that +I had no liking for her lackered countenance, and that she was a +mahogany-coloured, slave-driving, old curmudgeon, that in England would +be shown about at the fairs for a penny a peep. At the which she +screamed with rage, and threw at me a jug of sangaree. Heavy enough it +was; but the old lady had not so good an Aim as I had when I brained +the Grenadier with the demijohn. + +We had little converse after that. There were some wages due, and these +she paid me, telling me that I might "go to de Debble," and that if she +ever saw me again, she hoped it would be to see me hanged. I could have +got Employment, I doubt not, in Jamaica, or in some other of the +islands; but I was for the time sick of the Western Indies, and was +resolved, come what might, to tempt my fortune in Europe. A desire to +return to England first came over me; nor am I ashamed to confess that, +mingled with my wish to see my own country once more, was a Hope that I +might meet the Traitorous Villain Hopwood, and tell him to his teeth +what a false Deceiver I took him to be. You see how bold a lad can be +when he has turned the corner of sixteen; but it was always so with John +Dangerous. + +Some difficulty, nay, considerable obstacles, I encountered in obtaining +a ship to carry me to Europe. The vindictive yellow woman, with whom +(through no fault of my own, I declare) I was in disfavour, did so +pursue me with her Animosity as to prejudice one Sea Captain after +another against me; and it was long ere any would consent to treat with +me, even as a Passenger. To those of my own nation did she in particular +speak against me with such virulence, that in sheer despite I abandoned +for the time my intention of going to England, and determined upon +making for some other part of Europe, where I might push my fortune. And +there being in port early in the winter a Holland ship, named the +_Gebrueder_, which was bound for Ostend, I struck a bargain with the +skipper of her, a decent man, whose name was Van Ganderdrom, and +prepared to leave the colony in which I had passed over four years of my +Eventful Life. Some friends who took an interest in me,--the "bright +English lad," as they called me,--and who thought I had been treated by +Maum Buckey with some unnecessary degree of Harshness, made up a purse +of money for me, by which I was enabled to pay my Passage Money in +advance, and lay in a stock of Provisions for the voyage; for, save in +the way of Schnapps, Cheeses, and Herrings, the Holland ships were at +that time but indifferently well Found. When every thing was paid, I +found that I had indeed but a very small Surplus remaining; but there +was no other way, and I bade adieu to the island of Jamaica, as I +thought, for ever. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[C] Vide Stedman's _Surinam_. + +[D] _Dean of Myddelton's_ Evidence, Clarkson's Committee. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD. + + OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES. + + +I LANDED, after a long and tedious voyage, at the town of Ostend, it +being the Spring time of the year 1729, with Youth, Health, a strong +Frame, and a comely Countenance (as they told me), indeed, but with just +two Guineas in my pouch for all my Fortune. Many a Lord Mayor of London +has begun the World, 'tis said, with a yet more slender Provision (I +wonder what Harpy Hopwood had to begin with?) and Eighteenpence would +seem to be the average of Capital Stock for an Adventurer that is to +heap up Riches. Still I seemed to have made my Start in Life's Voyage a +great many times, and to have been very near ending with it more than +once--witness the Aylesbury Assizes. Thus I felt rather Despondency +than Hope at being come almost to manhood, and but to a beggarly Estate +of Two-and-forty shillings. "But," said I, "courage, Jack Dangerous; +thou hast strong legs and a valorous Stomach; at least thou needst not +starve (bar cutpurses) for two-and-forty days; thou hast a knowledge of +the French tongue," (which I picked up from a Huguenot emigrant from +Languedoc, who was a Barber at Kingston, and taught me for well-nigh +nothing), "and art cunning of Fence. Be the world thine Oyster, as the +Playactor has it, and e'en open it with a Spadapoint." In this not +unwholesome frame of mind I came out of the ship _Gebrueder_, and set +foot on the Port with something like a Defiance of Fortune's scurvy +tricks fermenting within me. + +The Shipmaster recommended me to a very cleanly Tavern, by the sign of +the Red Goose, kept in the Ganz-Straet by a widow-woman named Giessens. +'Twas Goose here, Goose there, and Goose every where, so it seemed with +this good Frau; for she served Schiedam at the sign of the Goose, and +she lived in Goose Street. She had herself a long neck and a round body +and flat feet, going waddling and hissing about the house, a-scolding of +her maids, like any Michaelmas matron among the stubble; not to forget +her children, of whom she had a flock, waddling and hissing in their +little way too, and who were all as like goslings as Sherris is like +Sack. Little would have lacked for her to give me hot roast goose to my +dinner, and goose-pie for supper, and some unguent of goose-grease to +anoint my Pate with, had it chanced to be broken; and truly if I had +lived under the sign of the Goose for many days, I might have taken to +waddling and hissing too in my own Generation, and have been in time as +brave a goose as any of them. Here there was a civil enough company of +Seafaring men, Mates, Pilots, Supercargoes, and the like, with some +Holland traders, and, if I mistake not, a few Smugglers that had +contraband dealings in Cambrics, Steenkirks, Strong waters, and Point of +Bruxelles. These last worthies did I carefully avoid; for since my +Boyish Mischances I had imbibed a wholesome fear of hurting the King's +Revenue, or meddling in any way with his Prerogative. "Well out of it, +Jack Dangerous," I said. "Touch not His Majesty's Deer, nor His +Majesty's Customs, and there shall be no sense of a tickling in thy +windpipe when thou passest a post that is like unto the sign of the +Tyburn Tavern." 'Tis astonishing how gingerly a man will walk who has +once been within an ace of dancing upon nothing. + +There is a mighty quantity of Sand and good store of Mud at Ostend, and +a very comforting smell of fish; and so the High Dutch gentry, who, poor +souls, know very little about the sea, and see no more salt water from +Life's beginning unto its end than is contained within the compass of a +pickling-tub, do use the place much for Bathing, and brag about their +Dips and Flounderings, crying out, _Die Zee ist mein Lust_, in their +plat Deutsch, as though they had all been born so many Porpoises. I +would walk upon a morning much upon the Ramping-Parts, or Fortifications +of the Town, watching whole caravans of Bathers, both of High and Low +Dutch Gentry, coming to be dipped, borne into the Sea by sturdy Fellows +that carried them like so many Sacks of Coals, and who would Discharge +them into shallows with little more Ceremony than they would use in +shooting such a cargo of Fuel into a cellar. "When my Money is gone," +thought I, "I may earn a crust by the like labour." But then I bethought +me that I was a Stranger among them; that they might be Jealous of me; +and, indeed, when I imparted my design to the Widow-woman Giessens, who +was beholden to me, she said, for that I had warned her how poor a guest +I was growing, she told me that much interest was needed to obtain one +of these Bather's places--almost as much, forsooth, as is wanted to get +the berth of a Tide-waiter in England,--and these rascals were always +waiting for the tide. Something like a Patent had to be humbly sued for, +and fat fees paid to Syndics and Burgomasters, for the fine Privilege of +sousing the gentry in the Brine. The good woman offered me Credit till I +should find employment, and did so vehemently press a couple of +Guilders upon me to defray my present charges, that I had not the heart +to refuse, although I took care to avise her that my prospects of being +able to repay her were as far off as the Cape of Good Hope. + +It chanced one morning that I was walking out of the Town by the side of +the Sea below the fortified parts to the Norrard. 'Twas fine and calm +enough, and there was not so much Swell as to take a Puppy off his +swimming legs; but suddenly I heard a great Outcry and Hubbub, and +perceived, some ten feet from me in the Water the head of a Man +convulsed with Terror, and who was crying out with all his might that he +was Drowning, that he should never see his dear Mamma again, and that +all his Estate would go to the Heir-at-Law, whom, as well as he could, +for screeching and spluttering, he Cursed heartily in the English +tongue. I wondered how he could be in such a Pother, seeing that he was +so close to shore, and that moreover there were those nigh unto him who +could have helped him if they had had a Mind to it. Close upon him was +a Fat gentleman in a clergyman's cassock and a prodigious Fluster, who +kept crying out, "Save him! Save him!" but budged not a foot to come to +his assistance himself; and, but a dozen yards or so, was a Flemish +Fellow, one of the Bathers, who, so far as I could make out from his +shaking his head and crying out, "nicht" and "Geld,"--the rest of his +lingo was Greek to me,--did refuse to save the Gentleman unless he had +more Money given him. For these Bathing-men were a most Mercenary Pack. +In a much shorter time than it has taken me to put this on Paper I had +off coat and vest, kicked off my shoes, and struck into the water. 'Twas +of the shallowest, and I had but to wade towards him who struggled. When +I came anigh him, he must even catch hold of me, clinging like Grim +Death or a Barnacle to the bottom of a Barge, very nearly dragging me +down. But I was happily strong; and so, giving him with my disengaged +arm a sound Cuff under the ear, the better to Preserve his Life, I +seized him by the waist with the other, and so dragged him up high, if +not dry, unto the Sandy Shore. And a pretty sight he looked there, +dripping and Shivering, although the sun shone Brightly, and he well +nigh Blue with Fright. + +What do you think the first words were that my Gentleman uttered so soon +as he had got his tongue clear of Salt and Seaweed? + +"You villain!" he cries to me, "you have assaulted me. Take witness, +Gentlemen, he hath stricken me under the Ear. I will have him in the +King's Bench for Battery. Mr. Hodge, you saw it; and you leave me this +day week for allowing your Patron to be within an inch of Drowning." + +I was always of a Hot Temper, and this cavalier treatment of me after my +Services threw me into a Rage. + +"Why, you little half-boiled Shrimp," I bawled out, "I have a mind to +clout your under t'other Ear, that Brothers may not complain of Favour, +and e'en carry you to where I found you." + +The Gentleman in the cassock began to break out in excuses, saying that +his Patron would reward me, and that he was glad that an Englishman had +been by to rescue a Person of Quality from such great Peril, when that +Flanders Oaf younger--the extortionate villain--would not stir a finger +to help him unless he had half a guilder over and above his fee. + +"Let him dry and dress himself," I said, in Dudgeon; "and if he be not +civil to a Countryman, who is as good as he, I will kick him back to his +Inn, and you too." + +"A desperate youth!" murmured the Clergyman, as he handed his Patron a +great bundle of towels; "and very meanly clad." + +I walked away a few paces while the gentleman dried and dressed himself. +Had I obeyed the Promptings of Pride, I should have gone on my ways and +left him to his likings; but I was exceedingly Poor, and thought it +Foolish to throw away the chance of receiving what his Generosity might +bestow upon me. The Bathing-Man, who had been already paid his Fee, had +the impudence to come up and ask for more "Geld,"--for minding the +gentleman's clothes, as I gathered from the speech of the clergyman, who +understood Flemish. He was, however, indignantly refused, and, not +relishing, perchance, the likelihood of a scuffle with three Englishmen, +straightway decamped. + +By and by the Gentleman was dressed, and a very smart appearance he made +in a blue shag frock laced with silver, a yellow waistcoat bound with +black velvet, green paduasoy breeches, red stockings, gold buckles, an +ivory hilt to his sword, and a white feather in his hat. I have no mind +to write out Taylor's accompts, but I do declare this to be the exact +Schedule of his Equipment. Under the hat, which had a kind of Sunday +Marylabonne cock to it, there bulged forth a mighty White Periwig of +fleecy curls, for all the world like the coat of a Bologna Poodle Dog, +and in the middle of his Wig there peeped out a little hatchet face with +lantern jaws, and blue gills, and a pair of great black eyebrows, under +which glistened a pair of inflamed eyes. He was not above five feet +three inches, and his fingers, very long and skinny, went to and fro +under his Point ruffles like a Lobster's Feelers. The Chaplain, who +waited upon him as a Maid would on a lardy-dardy woman of Fashion, +handed my Gentleman a very tall stick with a golden knob at the end +on't, and with this, and a laced handkerchief and a long cravat, which +he had likely bought at Mechlin, and a Snuff-box in the lean little Paw +that held not the cane, he looked for all the world like one of my +Grandmother's Footmen who had run away and turned Dancing Master. + +"This, young man," said the Chaplain, making a low bow as he spoke to +the comical Image before him, "is Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, of +Hampstead. Make your reverence, sirrah!" + +"Make a reverence to a Rag-doll!" I answered, with a sneer. "He hath +left his twin brother beyond sea. I know him, and he is a Barbary Ape." + +"The rogue is insolent," says B. Pinchin, Esq., clutching tighter at +his tall cane, but turning very white the while. "I must batoon him into +better manners." + +"WHAT!" I cried in a great voice, making a step towards him, for my +blood was up. I would but have tweaked the little creature's Ears; but +he, for a surety, thought I had a mind to Murder him. I do aver that he +fell upon his knees, and with most piteous Accents and Protestations +entreated me, for the sake of his Mamma, to spare his life, and he would +give me all I asked. + +I was quite bewildered, and turning towards the Parson, asked if his +master was Mad; to which he made answer with some Heat, that he was no +Master of his, but his Honoured Friend and Gracious Patron; whereupon +the little Spark must go up to him, whimpering and cuddling about him, +and beseeching him to save him from the Tall Rogue, meaning me. + +"Body o' me, man," I exclaimed, scarcely able to keep from laughing, "I +mean you no harm. I am a young Englishman, lately come from the +Plantations, and seeking employment. I see you struggling yonder, and +likely to give up the ghost, and I pull you out; and then you call me +Rogue and charge me with striking of you. Was it cramp or cowardice that +made you bawl so? Give me something to drink better manners to you, and +I will leave you and this reverend gentleman alone." + +The Parson bowed his head with a pleased look when I called him Reverend +and a Gentleman, and, in an under-tone, told his Patron that I was a +civilly behaved youth, after all. But the Poltroon with the white wig +was not out of his Pother yet. He had risen to his feet with a patch of +sand on each knee, and as the Chaplain wiped it off with a kerchief, he +blubbered out that I wanted to rob him. + +The Clergyman whispered in his ear--perhaps that I was a Dangerous +looking Fellow, and might lose my temper anon to some tune: for my +Whippersnapper approaches me, and, in a manner Civil enough, tells me +that he is much obliged for what I had done for him. "And you will take +this," says he. I will be shot if he did not give me an English groat. + +"You can readily get English coin changed in the town," he observed with +a smirk, as in sheer bewilderment I gazed upon this paltry doit. + +I was desperately minded to Fling it at him, knock him and the Chaplain +down, and leave the precious pair to pick themselves up again, but I +forebore. "Well," I said, "if that's the value you put upon your life, I +can't grumble at your Guerdon. I suppose that shrivelled little carcass +of yours isn't worth more than fourpence. I'll e'en change it in town, +and buy fourpennyworth of Dutch cheese, and you shall have the parings +for nothing to send to your Mamma as a gift from foreign parts. Good +morning to you, my noble Captain." And so saying I walked away in a Fume +of Wrath and Contempt. + +I was idling, that same afternoon, along the Main street of Ostend very +much in the Dumps, and thinking of going down to the Port to seek a +cook's place from some Ship Master, for I was not yet Qualified to +engage as an Able-bodied Mariner, when I met the Chaplain again, this +time alone, and coming out of a pastryman's shop. I would have passed +him, as holding both him and his master in Disdain, but he Arrested me, +and beckoned me into an Entry, there to have some Speech. + +"My Patron is somewhat quick and hasty, and was uncommonly flustered by +his mischance this morning," quoth the Rev. Mr. Hodge. "Nor perhaps did +he use you as liberally as he should have done. Here is a golden guilder +for you, honest man." + +I thanked him, and as I pouched it told him that I would have taken no +Money at all for a service which every man is bound to render to his +Fellow-creature, but that I was sorely pressed for Money. On this, he +asked my name and belongings. The name I gave him, at the which he +winced somewhat; but of my history I did not care to enlighten him +further beyond broadly stating that I had come from the Plantations, +where I had been used to keep Accompts, and that I was an Orphan, and +had no friends in England, even if I possessed the means to return +thither. + +"I think I can find you a place," the chaplain replied, when I had +finished. "'Twill not be a very handsome one, but the work is little and +light. Would it meet your purpose, now, to attend on a gentleman?" + +"It depends," I replied, "on what kind of a Gentleman he is." + +"A Gentleman of landed Estate," quoth the parson, quite pat. "An English +gentleman, now travelling for his Diversion, but will, in good time, +settle down in England, to live on his Acres in a Handsome manner, and +be a justice of peace, and of the Quorum." + +"Do you mean your Squire of Hampstead, yonder?" I answered, pointing my +thumb over my shoulder, as though in the direction where I had met his +Reverence and his Patron that morning. + +"I do," responds Mr. Hodge. + +"Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, Esquire, eh?" I continued. + +"Exactly so." + +"Then," I went on, raising my voice, and giving a furious glance at my +companion, "I'll see Bartholomew Pinchin boiled, and I'll see +Bartholomew Pinchin baked, and his Esquireship to boot, before I'll be +his servant. He, a mean, skulking, pinchbeck hound! Tell him I'm meat +for his master, and that he has no service, body or lip, of mine." + +"Tut, tut, you foolish lad," said Mr. Hodge, not in the least offended. +"What a wild young colt it is, and how impatient! For all your strapping +figure, now, I doubt whether you are twenty years of age." + +I answered, with something like a Blush, that I was not yet seventeen. + +"There it is,--there it is," the Chaplain took me, chuckling. "As I +thought. A mere boy. A very lad. Not come to years of discretion yet, +and never will, if he goes on raging in this manner. Hearken to me, +youngster. Don't be such a fool as to throw away a good chance." + +"I don't see where it is yet," I observed sulkily yet sheepishly; for +there was a Good-natured air about the Chaplain that overcame me. + +"But I do," he rejoined. "The good chance you have is of getting a +comfortable place, with a smart livery--" + +"I won't wear a livery," I cried, in a heat. "I'll be no man's lacquey; +I'm a gentleman." + +"So was Adam," retorted Mr. Hodge, "and the very first of the breed; but +he had to wear a livery of fig-leaves for all that, and so had his wife, +Eve. Come, 'tis better to don a land-jerkin, and a hat with a ribbon to +'t, and be a Gentleman's Gentleman, with regular Wages and Vails, and +plenty of good Victuals every day, than to be starving and in rags about +the streets of a Flemish town." + +"I'm not starving; I'm not in rags," I protested, with my Proud stomach. + +"But you will be the day after to-morrow. The two things always go +together. Come, my young friend, I'll own that Bartholomew Pinchin, +Esquire, is not generous." + +"Generous!" I exclaimed; "why, he's the meanest little hunks that ever +lanced a paving stone to find blood for black puddings in it. Didn't he +give me fourpence this morning for saving his life?" + +"And didn't you tell him that his life wasn't worth more than a groat?" +asked the Chaplain, with a sly grin; "besides insulting him on the +question of Dutch cheese (to which he has an exquisite aversion), into +the bargain?" + +"That's true," I replied, vanquished by the Parson's logic. + +"There, then," his Reverence went on. "Bartholomew Pinchin Esquire's +more easily managed than you think for. Do you prove a good servant, and +it shall be my duty to make him show himself a good master to you. But I +must have no further parley with you here, else these Papistical +Ostenders will think that you are some Flemish lad (for indeed you have +somewhat of a foreign air), and I a Lutheran Minister striving to +convert you. Get you back to your Inn, good youth. Pay your score, if +you have one, and if you have not, e'en spend your guilder in treating +of your companions, and come to me at nine of the clock this evening at +the Inn of the Three Archduchesses. Till then, fare you well." + +It must be owned that his Reverence's proposals were fair, and that his +conversation was very civil. As I watched him trotting up the Main +Street, his Cassock bulging out behind, I agreed with myself that +perhaps the most prudent thing I could do just at present would be to +put my gentility in my pocket till better times came round. There was a +Spanish Don, I believe, once upon a time, who did very nearly the same +thing with his sword. + +At the appointed time I duly found myself at the sign of the Three +Archduchesses, which was the bravest Hostelry in all Ostend, and the one +where all the Quality put up. I asked for Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, +in the best French that I could muster; whereupon the drawer, who was a +Fleming, and, I think, spoke even worse French than I did, asked me if I +meant the English Lord who had the grand suite of apartments looking on +the courtyard. I was fit to die of laughing at first to hear the +trumpery little Hampstead squire spoken of as a lord; but Prudence came +to my aid again, and I answered that such was the personage I came to +seek; and, after not much delay, I was ushered into the presence of Mr. +Pinchin, whose Esquiredom--and proud enough he was of it--I may now as +well Drop. I found him in a very handsome apartment, richly furnished, +drinking Burgundy with his chaplain, and with a pack of cards alongside +the bottles, and two great wax candles in sconces on either side. But, +as he drank his Burgundy, he ceased not to scream and whimper at the +expense he was being put to in having such a costly liquor at his table, +and scolded Mr. Hodge very sorely because he had not ordered some thin +Bordeaux, or light Rhine wine. "I'm drinking guineas," he moaned, as he +gulped down his Goblets; "it'll be the ruin of me. A dozen of this is as +bad as a Mortgage upon my Titmouse Farm. What'll my mamma say? I shall +die in the poor-house." But all this time he kept on drinking; and it +was not glass and glass about with him, I promise you, for he took at +least three bumpers full to his Chaplain's one, and eyed that reverend +personage grudgingly as he seized his opportunity, and brimmed up the +generous Red Liquor in his tall-stemmed glass. Yet the Chaplain seemed +in no way discountenanced by his scanty allowance, and I thought that, +perchance, his Reverence liked not wine of Burgundy. + +They were playing a hand of piquet when I was introduced; and they being +Gentlefolks, and I a poor humble Serving Man that was to be, I was +bidden to wait, which I did very patiently in the embrasure of a window, +admiring the great dark tapestried curtains as they loomed in indistinct +gorgeousness among the shadows. The hand of piquet was over at last, +and Mr. Pinchin found that he had lost three shillings and sixpence. + +"I can't pay it, I can't pay it," he said, making a most rueful +countenance. "I'm eaten out of house and home, and sharped at cards +besides. It's a shame for a Parson to play foul,--I say foul, Mr. Hodge. +It's a disgrace to the cloth to bring your wicked card-cheating +practices to devalise an English gentleman who is travelling for his +diversion." + +"We'll play the game over again, if you choose, Worthy Sir," the +Chaplain answers quite quietly. + +"Yes, and then you'll win seven shillings of me. You've sworn to bring +me to beggary and ruin. I know you swore it when my mamma sent you +abroad with me. Oh, why did I come to foreign parts with a wicked, +guzzling, gambling, chambering Chaplain, that's in league with the very +host and the drawers of this thieving inn against me--that burns me a +guinea a night in wax candles, and has had a freehold farm out of me in +Burgundy wine." + +"I've have had but two glasses the entire evening," the Chaplain +pleaded, in a voice truly that was meek; but I thought that, even at the +distance I stood from him, I could see the colour rising in his cheek. + +"Oh, you have, you have," went on Squire Bartholomew, who, if not half +Mad, was certainly more than three parts Muzzy; "you've ruined me, Mr. +Hodge, with your cards and your candles and your Burgundy, and Goodness +only knows what else besides." + +The Chaplain could stand it no longer; and rose in a Rage. + +"I wish all the candles and the cards were down your throat," he cried; +"nearly all the wine is there already. I wish they'd choke you. I wish +they were all in the pit of your stomach, and turned to hot burning +coals. What shall I do with you, you cadaverous little jackanapes? The +Lout did well this morning--" (I was the Lout, by your leave) "to--to +liken thee to one, for thou art more monkey than man. But for fear of +staining my cassock, I'd--I'd--" + +He advanced towards him with a vengeful air, clenching his fist, as well +as I could see, as he approached. Surely there never was such a comical +character as this Bartholomew Pinchin. 'Tis the bare truth, that, as the +enraged parson came at him, this Gentleman of broad acres drops down +again on his marrowbones, just as I had seen him on the sands in the +morning; and lifting up his little skinny hands towards the ceiling, +begins yelling and bawling out louder than ever. + +"Spare my life! spare my life!" he cried, "Take my watch and trinkets. +Take my Gold Medal of the Pearl of Brunswick Club. Take the diamond +solitaire I wear in my great Steenkirk on Sundays. Go to my Bankers, and +draw every penny I've got in the world. Turn me out a naked, naked +Pauper; but oh, Mr. Hodge spare my life. I'm young. I've been a sinner. +I want to give a hundred Pounds to Lady Wackerbarth's charity school. I +want to do every body good. Take my gold, but spare my life. Oh, you +tall young man in the corner there, come and help an English gentleman +out of the hands of a murtherous Chaplain." + +"Why, you craven cur, you," puts in the Chaplain, bending over him with +half-poised fist, yet with a kind of half-amusement in his features, +"don't you know that the Tall young Man, as you call him, is the poor +English lad who saved your worthless little carcass from drowning this +morning, and whom you offered to recompense with a Scurvy Groat." + +"I'll give him forty pound, I will," blubbered Mr. Pinchin, still on his +knees. "I'll give him fifty pound when my Midsummer rents come in, only +let him rescue me from the jaws of the roaring lion. Oh, my Mamma! my +mamma!" + +"Come forward, then, young man," cried the Chaplain, with a smile of +disdain on his good-humoured countenance, "and help this worthy and +courageous gentleman to his legs. Don't be afraid, Squire Barty. _He_ +won't murder you." + +I advanced in obedience to the summons, and putting a hand under either +armpit of the Squire, helped him on to his feet. Then, at a nod of +approval, I set him in the great arm-chair of Utrecht velvet. Then I +pointed to the bottle on the table, and looked at Mr. Hodge, as though +to ask whether he thought a glass of Burgundy would do the patient good. + +"No," said the Chaplain. "He's had enough Burgundy. He'd better have a +flask of champagne to give him some spirits. Will you drink a flask of +champagne, Squire?" he continued, addressing his patron in a strangely +authoritative voice. + +"Yes," quoth the little man, whose periwig was all Awry, and who looked, +on the whole, a most doleful figure,--"yes, if you please, Mr. Hodge." + +"Vastly pretty! And what am I to have? _I_ think I should like some +Burgundy." + +"Any thing," murmured the discomfited Squire; "only spare my--" + +"Tush! your life's in no danger. _We'll_ take good care of it. And this +most obliging English youth,--will your Honour offer him no refreshment? +What is he to have?" + +"Can he drink beer?" asked the Squire, in a faint voice, and averting +his head, as though the having to treat me was too much for him. + +"Can you drink beer?" echoed the Chaplain, looking at me, but shaking +his head meanwhile, as if to warn me not to consent to partake of so +cheap a beverage. + +"It's very cheap," added Mr. Pinchin, very plaintively. "It isn't a +farthing a glass; and when you get used to it, it's better for the +inwards than burnt brandy. Have a glass of beer, good youth. Kind Mr. +Hodge, let them bring him a glass of Faro." + +"Hang your faro! I don't like it," I said, bluntly. + +"What will you have, then?" asked the Squire, with a gasp of agony, and +his head still buried in the chair-cushion. + +It seemed that the Chaplain's lips, as he looked at me, were mutely +forming the letters W I N E. So I put a bold front upon it, and said, + +"Why, I should like, master, to drink your health in a bumper of right +Burgundy with this good Gentleman here." + +"He will have Burgundy," whimpered Mr. Pinchin, half to the +chair-cushion, and half to his periwig. "He will have Burgundy. The +ragged, tall young man will have Burgundy at eight livres ten sols the +flask. Oh, let him have it, and let me die! for he and the Parson have +sworn to my Mamma to murder me and have my blood, and leave me among +Smugglers, and Papistry, and Landlords who have sworn to ruin me in +waxen candles." + +There was something at once so ludicrous, and yet so Pathetic, in the +little man's lamentations, that I scarcely knew whether to laugh or to +cry. His feelings seemed so very acute, and he himself so perfectly +sincere in his moanings and groanings, that it was almost Barbarity to +jeer at him. The Chaplain, however, was, to all appearance, accustomed +to these little Comedies; for, whispering to me that it was all Mr. +Pinchin's manner, and that the young Gentleman meant no harm, he bade +me bestir myself and hurry up the servants of the House to serve supper. +So not only were the champagne and the Burgundy put on table,--and of +the which there was put behind a screen a demiflask of the same true +vintage for my own private drinking. ("And the Squire will be pleased, +when he comes to Audit the score, to find that you have been content +with Half a bottle. 'Twill seem like something saved out of the Fire," +whispers the Chaplain to me, as I helped to lay the cloth),--not only +were Strong Waters and sweet Liquors and cordials provided, especially +that renowned stomachic the Maraschyno, of which the Hollanders and +Flemings are so outrageously fond, and which is made to such perfection +in the Batavian settlements in Asia, but a substantial Repast likewise +made its appearance, comprising Fowl, both wild and tame, and hot and +cold, a mighty pasty of veal and eggs, baked in a Standing Crust, some +curious fresh sallets, and one of potatoes and salted herrings flavoured +with garlic--to me most villanously nasty, but much affected in these +amphibious Low Countries. So, the little Squire being brought to with a +copious draught of champagne,--and he was the most weazened little +Bacchus I ever knew, moistening his ever-dry throttle from morn until +night,--he and the chaplain sate down to supper, and remained feasting +until long past midnight. So far as the Parson's part went, it might +have been called a Carouse as well as a Feast, for his Reverence took +his Liquor, and plenty of it, with a joviality of Countenance the which +it would have done your Heart good to see, drinking "Church and King," +and then "King and Church," so that neither Institution should have +cause to grumble, and then giving the Army, the Navy, the Courts of +Quarter Sessions throughout England, Newmarket and the horses, not +forgetting the Jockeys, the pious memory of Dr. Sacheverell, at which +the Squire winced somewhat, for he was a bitter Whig, with many other +elegant and appropriate sentiments. In fact, it was easy to see that his +reverence had known the very best of company, and when at one of the +clock he called for a Bowl of Punch, which he had taught the Woman of +the House very well how to brew, I put him down as one who had sate with +Lords,--ay and of the Council too, over their Potations. But the +Behaviour of Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, was, from the beginning unto +the end of the Regale, of a piece with his former extraordinary and +Grotesque conduct. After the champagne, he essayed to sing a song to the +tune of "Cold and Raw," but, failing therein, he began to cry. Then did +he accuse me of having secreted the Liver Wing of a Capon, which, I +declare, I had seen him devour not Five Minutes before. Then he had more +Drink, and proposed successively as Toasts his Cousin Lady Betty +Heeltap, daughter to my Lord Poddle; a certain Madame Van Foorst, whom I +afterwards discovered to be the keeper of a dancing Ridotto on the Port +at Antwerp; then the Jungfrau, or serving wench that waited upon us, who +had for name Babette; and lastly his Mamma, whom, ten minutes +afterwards, he began to load with Abuse, declaring that she wished to +have her Barty shut up in a madhouse, in order that she might enjoy his +Lands and Revenues. And then he fell to computing the cost of the +supper, swearing that it would Ruin him, and making his old complaints +about those eternal wax candles. Then, espying me out, he asks who I am, +challenges me to fight with him for a Crown, vows that he will delate me +to the English Resident at Brussels for a Jacobite spy, tells me that I +am an Honest Fellow, and, next to Mr. Hodge, the best friend he ever had +in the world, and falls down at last stupefied. Whereupon, with the +assistance of the Flemish Drawer, I carried my new master up to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FOURTH. + + I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE + OF THE POLITE WORLD. + + +FOR I had decided that he was to be my Master. "I can bear with his +strange ways," I said to myself. "John Dangerous has seen stranger, +young as he is; and it will go hard if this droll creature does not +furnish forth some sport, ay and some Profit too, before long." For now +that I had put my Gentility in my pocket, I began to remember that Hay +is a very pleasant and toothsome thing for Fodder, to say nothing of its +having a most pleasant odour, and that the best time to make hay was +while the sun did shine. + +After I had assisted in conveying the Little Man to bed, I came down +again to the Saloon, finding there Mr. Hodge, who was comforting +himself with a last bumper of punch before seeking bed. + +"Well, Youth," he accosts me, "have you thought better of your surly, +huffing manner of this morning and this afternoon?" + +I told him that I had, and that I desired nothing better than to enter +forthwith into the service of Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, of +Hampstead. + +"That's well," said his Reverence, nodding at me over his punch. "You've +had your supper behind yon screen, haven't you?" + +I answered, "Yes, and my Burgundy likewise." + +"That you mustn't expect every day," he continues, "but only on +extraordinary occasions such as that of to-night. What the living is +like, you have seen. The best of fish, flesh, and fowl, and plenty of +it. As to your Clothes and your Wages, we will hold discourse of that in +the morning; for 'twill take your Master half the morning to beat you +down a penny a Month, and quarrel with the Tailor about the cheapest +kind of serge for your Livery. Leave it to me, however, and I'll engage +that you have no reason to complain either of one or the other. What did +you say your name was, friend? As for Recommendations, you have none to +Give, and I seek not any from you. I will be content to take your +character from your Face and Speech." + +I began to stammer and bow and thank his Honour's Reverence for his good +opinion. + +"Don't thank me before you're asked," answers Mr. Hodge, with a grin. +"The academy of compliments is not held here. By your speech you have +given every sign of being a very Saucy Fellow, and, to judge from your +face, you have all the elements in you of a complete Scoundrel." + +I bowed, and was silent. + +"But your name," he pursued, "that has escaped me." + +I answered Respectfully that I had used to be called John Dangerous. + +"Tut, tut!" Mr. Hodge cried out hastily. "Fie upon the name! John is all +very well; but Dangerous will never do. Why, our Patron would think +directly he heard it that you were bent on cutting his throat, or +running away with his valise." + +I submitted, again with much respect, that it was the only name I had. + +"Well, thou art a straightforward youth," said the Chaplain +good-humouredly, "and I will not press thee to take up an alias. John +will serve excellently well for the present; and, if more be wanted, +thou shalt be John D. But understand that the name of Dangerous is to +remain a secret between me and thee and the Post." + +"With all my heart," I cried, "so long as the Post be not a gallows." + +"Well said, John D.," murmured Mr. Hodge, upon whom by this time the +punch had taken some little effect. "A good Lad, John. And now thou +mayst help me up to bed." + +And so I did, for his Reverence had begun to stagger. Then a pallet was +found for me high up in the Roof of the Inn of the Three Archduchesses. +I forbore to grumble, for I had been used from my first going out into +the world to Hard Lodging. And that night I slept very soundly, and +dreamt that I was in the Great Four-post Bed at my Grandmother's in +Hanover Square. + +Never had a Man, I suppose, in this Mortal World, ever so droll a master +as this Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, Esquire. 'Tis Tame, and may +be Offensive, for me to be so continually telling that he wrote himself +down _Armiger_, after my Promise to forego for the future such +recapitulation of his Title; but Mr. Pinchin was himself never tired of +dubbing himself Esquire, and you could scarcely be five Minutes in his +company without hearing of his Estate, and his Mamma, and his Right to +bear Arms. I, who was by birth a Gentleman of Long Descent, could not +forbear Smiling from time to time (in my Sleeve, be it understood, since +I was a Servant at Wages to him) at his ridiculous Assumptions. And +there are few things more Contemptible, I take it, than for a Man of +really good Belongings, and whose Lineage is as old as Stonehenge +(albeit, for Reasons best known to Himself, he permits his Pedigree to +lie Perdu), to hear an Upstart of Yesterday Bragging and Swelling that +he is come from this or from that, when we, who are of the true Good +Stock, know very well, but that we are not so ill-mannered as to say so, +that he is sprung from Nothing at all. I think that if the Heralds were +to make their Journeys now, as of Yore, among the Country Churchyards, +and hack out from the Headstones the sculptured cognizances of those +having no manner of Right to them, the Stone-Masons about Hyde Park +Corner would all make Fortunes from the orders that would be given to +them for fresh Tombs. Not a mealy-mouthed Burgess now, whose +great-grandfather sold stocking hose to my Lord Duke of Northumberland, +but sets himself up for a Percy; not a supercilious Cit, whose Uncle +married a cast-off waiting-woman from Arundel Castle, but vaunts himself +on his alliance with the noble house of Howard; not a starveling +Scrivener, whose ancestor, as the playwright has it, got his Skull +cracked by John of Gaunt for crowding among the Marshalmen in the Tilt +Yard, but must pertly Wink and Snigger, and say that the Dukedom of +Lancaster would not be found extinct if the Right Heir chose to come +Forward. Since that poor young Lord of the Lakes was attainted for his +part in the Troubles of the 'Fifteen, and lost his head on Tower Hill +(his vast Estates going to Greenwich Hospital), I am given to understand +that every man in Cumberland or Westmoreland whose name happens to be +Ratcliffe (I knew the late Mr. Charles Ratcliffe, that Suffered with a +Red Feather in his Hat, very well), must give himself out to be titular +Earl of Derwentwater, and Importune the Government to reverse the +Attainder, and restore him the Lands of which the Greenwich +Commissioners have gotten such a tight Hold; and as for Grandchildren of +the by-blows of King Charles II., good lack! to hear them talk of the +"Merry Monarch," and to see them draw up their Eyebrows into the Stuart +Frown, one would think that every Player-Woman at the King's or the +Duke's House had been as favoured in her time as Madam Eleanour Gwyn. + +Thus do I no more believe that Mr. Bartholomew Pinchin was cousin to +Lady Betty Heeltap, or in any manner connected with the family of my +Lord Poddle (and he was only one of the Revolution Peers, that got his +coronet for Ratting at the right moment to King William III.), than that +he was the Great Mogul's Grandmother. His gentlemanly extraction was +with him all a Vain Pretence and silly outward show. It did no very +great Harm, however. When the French adventurer Poirier asked King +Augustus the Strong to make him a Count, what said his Majesty of Warsaw +and Luneville? "That I cannot do," quoth he; "but there is nothing under +the sun to prevent thee from calling thyself a Count, if the humour so +please thee." And Count Poirier, by Self-Creation, he straightway +became, and as Count Poirier was knouted to Death at Moscow for Forging +of Rubles Assignats. Pinchin was palpably a Plebeian; but it suited him +to be called and to call himself an Esquire; and who should gainsay +him? At the Three Archduchesses at Ostend, indeed, they had an exceeding +sensible Plan regarding Titles and Precedence for Strangers, which was +found to answer admirably well. He who took the Grand Suite, looking +upon the courtyard, was always held to be an English Lord. The tenant of +the floor above him was duly esteemed by the Drawers and Chamberlains to +be a Count of the Holy Roman Empire; a quiet gentleman, who would pay a +Louis a day for his charges, but was content to dine at the Public +Table, was put down as a Baron or a Chevalier; those who occupied the +rooms running round the galleries were saluted Merchants, or if they +chose it, Captains; but, in the gardens behind the Inn, there stood a +separate Building, called a Pavilion, most sumptuously appointed, and +the Great Room hung with the Story of Susannah and the Elders in Arras +Tapestry; and he who would pay enough for this Pavilion might have been +hailed as an Ambassador Plenipotentiary, as a Duke and Peer of France, +or even as a Sovereign Prince travelling incognito, had he been so +minded. For what will not Money do? Take our English Army, for instance, +which is surely the Bravest and the Worst Managed in the whole World. My +Lord buys a pair of colours for the Valet that has married his Leman, +and forthwith Mr. Jackanapes struts forth an Ensign. But for his own Son +and Heir my Lord will purchase a whole troop of Horse: and a Beardless +Boy, that a month agone was Birched at Eton for flaws in his Grammar, +will Vapour it about on the Mall with a Queue a la Rosbach, and a Long +Sword trailing behind him as a full-blown Captain of Dragoons. + +I believe Pinchin's father to have been a Tailor. There is no harm in +the Craft, honestly exercised; but since the world first Began nine +Tailors have made a Man; and you cannot well see a knight of the shears +without asking in your own mind where he has left his Eight brethren. +Bartholomew Pinchin looked like a Tailor, talked like a Tailor, and +thought like a Tailor. Let it not, however, be surmised that I have any +mind to Malign the Useful Churls who make our Clothes. Many a time have +I been beholden to the strong Faith and Generous Belief of a Tailor when +I have stood in need of new Apparel, and have been under momentary +Famine of Funds for the Payment thereof. Those who are so ready to sneer +at a Snip, and to cast Cabbage in his teeth, would do well to remember +that there are Seasons in Life when the Goose (or rather he that wields +it) may save, not only the Capitol, but the Soldier who stands on Guard +within. How doubly Agonising is Death when you are in doubt as to whence +that Full Suit of Black needed on the Funeral Night will arrive! What a +tremor comes over you when you remember that this Day Week you are to be +Married, and that your Wedding Garment is by no means a certainty! What +a dreadful Shipwreck to your Fortune menaces you when you are bidden to +wait on a Great Man who has Places to give away, and you find that your +Velvet Coat shows the Cord! 'Tis in these Emergencies that the brave +Confidence of the Tailor is distilled over us like the Blessed Dew from +Heaven; for Trust, when it is really needed, and opportunely comes, is +Real Mercy and a Holy Thing. + +About my master's Wealth there was no doubt. Lord Poddle, although a +questionable cousin of his, would have been glad to possess his spurious +kinsman's acres. I should put down the young Esquire's income as at +least Twenty Hundred Pounds a year. His Father had been, it cannot be +questioned, a Warm Man; but I should like to know, if he was veritably, +as his Son essayed to make out, a Gentleman, how he came to live in +Honey-Lane Market, hard by Cheapside. Gentlemen don't live in Honey-Lane +Market. 'Tis in Bloomsbury, or Soho, or Lincoln's Inn, or in the parish +of St. George, Hanover Square, that the real Quality have their +habitations. I shall be told next that Gentlefolks should have their +mansions by the Bun-House at Pimlico, or in the Purlieus of Tyburn +Turnpike. No; 'twas at the sign of the Sleeveboard, in Honey-Lane +Market, that our Patrician Squire made his money. The estate at +Hampstead was a very fair one, lying on the North side, Highgate way. +Mr. Pinchin's Mamma, a Rare City Dame, had a Life Interest in the +property, and, under the old Gentleman's will, had a Right to a Whole +Sum of Ten Thousand Pounds if she married again. Thus it was that young +Bartholomew was always in an agony of Terror to learn that his mamma had +been seen walking on a Sunday afternoon in Gray's-Inn Gardens, or taking +Powdered Beef and Ratafia at the tavern in Flask Walk, or drinking of +Syllabubs at Bellasise; and by every post he expected to hear the +dreadful intelligence that Madam Pinchin had been picked up as a City +Fortune by some ruffling Student of the Inns of Court, some Irish +Captain, or some smart Draper that, on the strength of a new Periwig and +a lacquered hilt to his Sword, passes for a Macarony. 'Tis not very +romantic to relate, but 'tis no less a fact, that the Son and the Mother +hated one another. You who have gone through the World and watched it, +know that these sad unnatural loathings between Parents and Children, +after the latter are grown up, are by no means uncommon. To me it seems +almost impossible that Estrangement and Dislike--nay, absolute +Aversion--should ever engender between the Mother and the Daughter, that +as a Babe hath hung on her Paps (or should have been so Nurtured, for +too many of our Fashionable Fine Dames are given to the cruelly +Pernicious Practice of sending their Infants to Nurse almost the very +next Week after they are Born, thus Divorcing themselves from the Joys +of Tender Affection, and drying up the very Source and Fontinel of +Natural Endearments; from which I draw the cause of many of the harsh +cold Humours and Uncivil Vapours that do reign between the Great and +their children). You may cry Haro upon me for a Cynic or Doggish +Philosopher; but I relate my Experiences, and the Things that have +stricken my Mind and Sense. I do know Ladies of Quality that hate their +Daughters, and would willingly Whip them, did they dare do so, Grown +Women as they are, for Spite. I do know Fathers, Men of Parts and Rank, +forsooth, jealous of their Sons, and that have kept the Youngsters in +the Background, and even striven to Obscure their Minds that they might +not cross the Paternal Orbit. And has it not almost passed into a +proverb, that my Lord Duke's Natural and most Inveterate Enemy is my +Lord Marquis, who is his Heir? But not to the World of Gold and Purple +are these Jealousies and Evil Feelings confined. You shall find them to +the full as Venomous in hovels, where pewter Platters are on the +shelves, and where Fustian and Homespun are the only wear. Down in the +West of England, where a worthy Friend of mine has an Estate, I know a +Shepherd tending his flocks from sunrise--ay, and before the Sun gets +up--until sundown. The honest man has but half-a-dozen shillings a week, +and has begotten Fourteen Children. He is old now, and feeble, and is +despised by his Progeny. He leads at Home the sorriest of Lives. They +take his wages from him, and, were it not for a lump of fat Bacon which +my friend's Servants give him now and again for Charity's sake, he would +have nothing better to eat from Week's End to Week's End than the hunch +of Bread and the morsel of Cheese that are doled forth to him every +morning when he goes to his labour. Only the other day, his sixth +daughter, a comely Piece enough, was Married. The poor old Shepherd begs +a Holiday, granted to him easily enough, and goes home at Midday instead +of Even, thinking to have some part in the Wedding Rejoicings, the which +his last week's wages have gone some way to furnish forth. I promise you +that 'tis a fine Family Feast that he comes across. What but ribs of +Beef and Strong Ale--none of your Harvest Clink--and old Cyder and +Plum-pudding galore! But his Family will have none of his company, and +set the poor old Shepherd apart, giving him but an extra lump of Bread +and Cheese to regale himself withal. 'Twas he who told the Story to my +Friend, from whom I heard it. What, think you, was his simple complaint, +his sole Protest against so much Cruelty and Injustice? He did not rush +into the Feasting Room and curse these Ingrates; he did not trample on +this Brood that he had nurtured, and that had turned out worse in their +Unthankfulness than Vipers; no, he just sat apart, wringing of his +Hands, and meekly wailing, "What, a weddin', and narrer a bit o' +puddin'--narrer a bit, a bit o' puddin'!" The poor soul had set his head +on a slice of dough with raisins in it, and even this crumb from their +Table was denied him by his Cubs. 'Tis a brave thing, is it not, +Neighbour, to be come to Threescore Years, and to have had Fruitful +Loins, and to be Mocked and Misused by those thou hast begotten? How +infinitely better do we deem ourselves than the Cat and Dog, and yet how +often do we imitate those Dumb Beasts in our own degree! fondling them +indeed when they are Kittens and Puppies, but fighting Tooth and Nail +with them when they be full grown. But there is as much to be said on +the one side as on the other; and for every poor old Lear wandering up +and down, pursued by the spite of Goneril and Regan, shall you find a +Cordelia whose heart is broken by her Sire's Cruelty. + +We did not long abide in Ostend. Presently my master grew tired of the +Town, as he did of most Things, and longed for change. He had no better +words for the Innkeepers, Merchants, and others who attended him, than +to call them a parcel of Extortionate Thieves, and to vow that they were +all in a conspiracy for robbing and bringing him to the Poor House. He +often did us the honour to accuse us of being in the Plot; and many a +time I felt inclined to resent his Impertinence, and to cudgel the +abusive little man soundly; but I was wise, and held my Tongue and my +Hand as well. Following the Chaplain's advice, and humouring this little +Man-monkey in all his caprices, I found that he was not so bad a master +after all, and that when he was Drunk, which was almost always, he could +be generous enough. When he was sober and bewailed his excessive +Expenditure, our policy was to be Mum, or else to Flatter him; and so no +bones were broken, and I was well clad and fed, and always had a piece +of gold in my pouch, and so began to Feel my Feet. + +We visited most of the towns in the Low Countries, then under the +Austrian rule, enjoying ourselves with but little occasion for repining. +Now our travelling was done on Horseback, and now, when there was a +Canal Route, by one of those heavy, lumbering, jovial old boats called +Treyckshuyts. I know not whether I spell the word correctly, for in the +Languages, albeit fluent enough, I could never be accurate; but of the +pleasant old vessels themselves I shall ever preserve a lively +recollection. You made a bargain with the Master before starting, giving +him so many guilders for a journey, say between Ghent and Bruges, the +charge amounting generally to about a Guinea a day for each Gentleman +passenger, and half the sum for a servant. And the Domestic's place on +the fore-deck and in the fore-cabin was by no means an unpleasant one; +for there he was sure to meet good store of comely Fraus, and Jungfraus +comelier still, with their clean white caps, Linsey-woolsey petticoats, +wooden shoes, and little gold crosses about their necks. Farmers and +labouring men and pedlars, with now and then a fat, smirking Priest or +two, who tried Hard to Convert you, if by any means he discovered you to +be a Heretic, made up the complement of passengers forward; but I, as a +servant, was often called aft, and had the pick of both companies, with +but light duties, and faring always like a Fighting Cock. For no sooner +was our Passage-Money paid than it became my Duty to lay in a Great +Stock of Provisions for the voyage, my master disdaining to put up with +the ordinary country Fare of dried fish, salted beef, pickled cabbage, +hard-boiled eggs, faro-Beer, Schiedam, and so forth, and instructing me, +under Mr. Hodge's direction, to purchase Game, Venison, Fruit, +Vegetables, Preserves, Cheeses, and other condiments, with a sufficient +number of flasks of choice wine, and a little keg of strong cordial, for +fear of Accidents. And aboard the Treyckshuyt it was all Singing and +Dancing and Carding and drinking of Toasts. The quantity of Tobacco that +the country people took was alarming, and the fumes thereof at first +highly displeasing to Mr. Pinchin; but I, from my sea education, and +the Time I had passed in the Western Indies, was a seasoned vessel as to +tobacco; and often when my Master had gone to his cabin for the night +was permitted to partake of a Puff on deck with the Reverend Mr. Hodge, +who dearly loved his Pipe of Virginia. The Chaplain always called me +John D.; and indeed by this time I seemed to be fast losing the +character as well as the name of Dangerous. My life was passed in the +Plenitude of Fatness; and I may say almost that I was at Grass with +Nebuchadnezzar, and had one Life with the beasts of the field; for my +days were given up to earthly indulgences, and I was no better than a +stalled ox. But the old perils and troubles of my career were only +Dormant, and ere long I was to become Jack Dangerous again. + +A year passed away in this eating and drinking, dozy, lazy kind of life. +I was past seventeen years of age, and it was the autumn of the year +'29. We were resting for a time--not that Master, Chaplain, or Man ever +did much to entitle them to repose--at the famous watering-place of Spa, +close to the German Frontier. We put up at the Silver Stag, where we +were entertained in very Handsome Style. Spa, or the Spaw, as it was +sometimes called, was then one of the most Renowned Baths in Europe, and +was attended by the very Grandest company. Here, when we arrived, was my +Lord Duke of Tantivy, an English nobleman of the very Highest Figure, +accompanied by my Lady Duchess, the Lord Marquis of Newmarket, his +Grace's Son and Heir, who made Rare Work at the gaming tables, with +which the place abounded; the Ladies Kitty and Bell Jockeymore, his +daughters; and attended by a Numerous and sumptuous suite. Here also did +I see the famous French Prince de Noisy-Gevres, then somewhat out of +favour at the French Court, for writing of a Lampoon on one of his +Eminence the Cardinal Minister's Lady Favourites; the Great Muscovite +Boyard Stchigakoff, who had been here ever since the Czar Peter his +master had honoured the Spaw with his presence; and any number of +Foreign Notabilities, of the most Illustrious Rank, and of either sex. +Money was the great Master of the Ceremonies, however, and he who had +the Longest Purse was bidden to the Bravest Entertainments. The English +of Quality, indeed (as is their custom, which makes 'em so Hated by +Foreigners), kept themselves very much to themselves, and my Lord Duke +of Tantivy's party, with the exception of the Marquis of Newmarket, who +was good enough to Borrow a score of gold pieces from us, and to Rook us +at cards now and then, took not the slightest notice of my poor little +Master, who was dying to be introduced into Polite Society, and spread +abroad those fictions of his cousinage to Lady Betty Heeltap and my Lord +Poddle everywhere he went; but the French and German Magnificoes were +less Haughty, and were glad to receive an English Traveller who, when +his Vanity was concerned, would spend his cash without stint. We drank a +great deal of the Water of the Spaw, and uncommonly nasty it was, making +it a Thing of vital necessity to take the Taste of it out of our Mouths +as soon as might be with Wine and Strong Waters. + +From the Spaw we went by easy Stages to Cologne, a dirty, foul-smelling +place, but very Handsome in Buildings, and saw all that was to be seen, +that is to say, the churches, which Abound Greatly. The Jesuits' Church +is the neatest, and this was shown us in a very complaisant manner, +although 'tis not the custom to allow Protestants to enter it. Our +Cicerone was a bouncing young Jesuit, with a Face as Rosy as the sunny +side of a Katherine Pear; but it shocked me to hear how he indulged in +Drolleries and Raileries in the very edifice itself. He quizzed both the +Magnificence and Tawdriness of the Altars, the Images of the Saints, the +Rich Framing of the Relics, and all he came across, seeming no more +impressed by their solemnity than the Verger Fellow in Westminster Abbey +when he shows the Waxwork to a knot of Yokels at sixpence a head. +"Surely," I thought, "there must be something wrong in a Faith whose +Professors make so light of its ceremonies, and turn Buffoons in the +very Temples;" nor could I help murmuring inwardly at that profusion of +Pearls, Diamonds, and Rubies bestowed on the adornment of a parcel of +old Bones, decayed Teeth, and dirty Rags. A Fine English Lady, all paint +and Furbelows, who was in the church with us, honestly owned that she +coveted St. Ursula's great Pearl Necklace, and, says she, "'Tis no sin, +and not coveting one's neighbour's goods, for neither St. Ursula nor the +Jesuits are any Neighbours of mine;" and as for my Master, he stared at +a Great St. Christopher, mighty fine in Silver, and said that it would +have looked very well as an Ornament for a Cistern in his garden at +Hampstead. + +From Cologne to Nuremberg was five days, travelling post from Frankfort; +and here we observed the difference between the Free Towns of Germany +and those under the government of petty Absolute Princes. The streets of +Nuremberg are well built, and full of People; the shops are loaded with +Merchandise, and commonly Clean and Cheerful. In Cologne and Wurtsburg +there was but a sort of shabby finery: a number of dirty People of +Quality sauntered out: narrow nasty streets out of repair; and above +half of the common Sort asking Alms. Mr. Hodge, who would have his jest, +compared a Free Town to a handsome, clean Dutch Burgher's wife, and a +Petty Prince's capital to a poor Town Lady of Pleasure, painted and +ribboned out in her Head-dress, with tarnished Silver-lace shoes, and a +ragged Under Petticoat--a miserable mixture of Vice and Poverty. + +Here at Nuremberg they had Sumptuary Laws, each man and woman being +compelled to dress according to his Degree, and the Better sort only +being licensed to wear Rich suits of clothes. And, to my thinking +(though the Putting it in Practice might prove somewhat inconvenient), +we should be much better off in England if some such laws were made for +the moderation and restraining of Excess and Extravagance in Apparel. As +folks dress nowadays, it is impossible to tell Base Raff from the +Highest Quality. What with the cheapness of Manufactured goods, and the +pernicious introduction of imitation Gold and Silver-lace, you shall +find Drapers' apprentices, Tavern drawers, and Cook wenches, making as +brave a Figure on Sundays as their masters and mistresses; and many a +young Spark has been brought to the Gallows, and many a poor Lass to +Bridewell or the 'Spital, through an over Fondness for cheap Finery, and +a crazy conceit for dressing like their betters. + +Nuremberg hath its store of Churches and Relics, and the like; and even +the Lutherans, who are usually thought to be so strict and severe in the +adornment of their Temples, have in one of 'em a large Cross fairly set +with jewels. But this is nothing to the Popish High Church, where they +have at least a score of Saints, all dressed out in laced clothes, and +fair Full-bottomed Wigs, plentifully powdered. Here did we come across a +Prince Bishop of one of the Electoral German Towns, travelling with a +Mighty Retinue of Canons and Priests, and Assessors and Secretaries, and +a long train of Mules most richly caparisoned, with a guard of a hundred +Musketeers, with violet liveries and Mitres broidered on their +cartouch-boxes, to keep the Prince Bishop from coming to harm. My Master +dined with this Reverend Personage, although Mr. Hodge, to maintain the +purity of his cloth, kept aloof from any such Papistical entertainment; +but I was of the party, it being my duty to wait behind the Squire's +chair. We dined at two of the clock on very rich meats, high spiced, as +I have usually found Princes and Bishops to like their victuals (for the +Plainer sort soon Pall on their Palates), and after dinner there was a +Carousal, which lasted well nigh till bed-time. His Episcopal Highness's +Master of the Horse (though the title of Master of the Mules, on which +beasts the company mostly rode, would have better served him) got +somewhat too Merry on Rhenish about Dusk, and was carried out to the +stable, where the Palefreneers littered him down with straw, as though +he had been a Horse or a Mule himself; and then a little fat Canon, who +was the Buffoon or Jack Pudding of the party, sang songs over his drink +which were not in the least like unto Hymns or Canticles, but rather of +a most Mundane, not to say Loose, order of Chant. His Highness (who wore +the Biggest Emerald ring on his right Forefinger, over his glove, that +ever I saw) took a great fancy to my Master, and at Parting pledged him +in choice Rhenish in the handsomest fashion, using for that purpose a +Silver Bell holding at least a Pint and a half English. Out of this Bell +he takes the clapper, and holding it mouth upwards, drains it to the +health of my Master, then fixes the clapper in again, Topsy-turvies his +goblet, and rings a peal on the bell to show that he is a right Skinker. +My Master does the same, as in Duty Bound, and mighty Flustered he got +before the ringing-time came; and then the little Fat Canon that sang +the songs essayed to do the same, but was in such a Quandary of Liquor, +that he spills a pint over Mr. Secretary's lace bands, and the two would +have fallen to Fisticuffs but for his Episcopal Highness (who laughed +till his Sides Shook again) commanding that they should be separated by +the Lacqueys. This was the most jovial Bishop that I did meet with; and +I have heard that he was a good kind of man enough to the Poor, and not +a harsh Sovereign to his subjects, especially to the Female Part who +were fortunate enough to be pretty; but young as I was, and given to +Pleasures, I could not help lifting up my Hands in shocked Amazement to +see this Roystering kind of life held by a Christian Prelate. And it is +certain that many of the High Dutch Church Dignitaries were at this time +addicted to a most riotous mode of living. 'Twas thought no scandal in a +Bishop to Drink, or to Dice, or to gallivant after Damosels: but woe be +to him if he Dared to Dance, for the Shaking of a Leg (that had a +cassock over it) was held to be a most Heinous and Unpardonable Sin. + +Next to Ratisbon, where Mr. Pinchin was Laid up with a Fever brought on +by High Living, and for more than Five Weeks remained between Life and +Death, causing both to Mr. Hodge and myself the Greatest Anxiety; for, +with all his Faults and absurd Humours, there was something about the +Little Man that made us Bear with him. And to be in his Service, for all +his capricious and passing Meannesses, was to be in very Good Quarters +indeed. He was dreadfully frightened at the prospect of Slipping his +Cable in a Foreign Land, and was accustomed, during the Delirium that +accompanied the Fever, to call most piteously on his Mamma, sometimes +fancying himself at Hampstead, and sometimes battling with the Waves in +the Agonies of the cramp, as I first came across him at Ostend. When he +grew better, to our Infinite Relief, the old fit of Economy came upon +him, and he must needs make up his mind to Diet himself upon Panada and +Mint Tea, taking no other nourishment, until his Doctor tells him that +if he did not fall to with a Roast chicken and a flask of White Wine, he +would sink and Die from pure Exhaustion. After this he began to Pick up +a bit, and to Relish his Victuals; but it was woful to see the +countenance he pulled when the Doctor's Bill was brought him, and he +found that he had something like Eighty Pounds sterling to pay for a +Sickness of Forty Days. Of course he swore that he had not had a tithe +of the Draughts and Mixtures that were set down to him,--and he had not +indeed consumed them bodily, for the poor little Wretch would have +assuredly Died had he swallowed a Twentieth Part of the Vile Messes that +the Pill-blistering Gentleman sent in; but Draughts and Mixtures had all +duly arrived, and we in our Discretion had uncorked them, and thrown the +major part of their contents out of window. We were in league forsooth +(so he said) with the Doctor to Eat and Ruin him, and 'twas not till the +latter had threatened to appeal to the Burgomaster, and to have us all +clapped up in the Town Gaol for roving adventurers (for they manage +things with a High Hand at Ratisbon), that the convalescent would +consent to Discharge the Pill-blisterer's demands; and, granting even +that all this Muckwash had been supplied, the Doctor must have been +after all an Extortioner, and have made a Smart Profit out of that said +Fever; for he presses a compliment of a silver snuff-box on the +Chaplain, giving me also privately a couple of Golden Ducats; nor have I +any doubt that the Innkeeper had also his commission to receive for +recommending a Doctor to the sick Englishman, and was duly satisfied by +Meinheer Bolus. + +There was the Innkeeper's bill itself to be unpouched, and a mighty +Pother there was over each item, Mr. Pinchin seeming to think that +because he had been sick it was our Duty to have laid abed too, +swallowing nought but Draughts and Slops. Truth was, that we should not +have been Equal to the task of Nursing and Tending so difficult a +Patient had we not taken Fortifying and Substantial Nourishment and a +sufficiency of Wholesome Liquor; not making merry it is true, with +indecent revelry, but Bearing up with a Grave and Reverent countenance, +and taking our Four Meals a day, with Refreshing Soups between whiles. +And I have always found that the vicinage of a Sick Room is apt to make +one exceeding Hungry and Thirsty, and that a Moribund, albeit he can +take neither Bite nor Sup himself, is, in his surroundings, the cook's +best Friend, and the Vintner's most bountiful Patron. + +Coming to his health again, Mr. Pinchin falls nevertheless into a state +of Dark Melancholy and Despondency, talking now of returning to England +and ending his days there, and now entertaining an even Stranger Fancy +that had come over his capricious mind. We had nursed him during his +sickness according to the best of our Capacity, but felt nevertheless +the want of some Woman's hand to help us. Now all the Maids in the House +were mortally afraid of the Fever, and would not so much as enter the +Sick Man's apartment, much less make his bed; while, if we had not taken +it at our own Risk to promise the Innkeeper Double Fees for lodging, the +cowardly knave would have turned us out, Neck and Crop, and we should +have been forced to convey our poor Sufferer to a common Hospital. But +there was in this City of Ratisbon a convent of Pious Ladies who +devoted themselves wholly (and without Fee or Reward for the most part) +to works of Mercy and Charity; and Mr. Hodge happening to mention my +Master's State to the English Banker--one Mr. Sturt, who was a Romanist, +but a very civil kind of man--he sends to the convent, and there comes +down forthwith to our Inn a dear Good Nun that turned out to be the most +zealous and patient Nurse that I have ever met with in my Travels. She +sat up night and day with the Patient, and could scarcely be persuaded +to take ever so little needful Rest and Refreshment. When she was not +ministering to the sufferer's wants, she was Praying, although it did +scandalise Mr. Hodge a little to see her tell her Beads; and when Mr. +Pinchin was well enough to eat his first slice of chicken, and sip his +first beaker of white wine, she Clapped her Hands for joy, and sang a +little Latin Hymn. When it came to her dismissal, this Excellent Nun +(the whole of whose Behaviour was most touchingly Edifying) at first +stoutly refused to accept of any Recompense for her services (which, +truly, no Gold, Silver, or Jewels could have fitly rewarded); and I am +ashamed to say that my Master, who had then his Parsimonious Nightcap +on, was at first inclined to take the Good Sister at her Word. Mr. +Hodge, however, showed him the Gross Ingratitude and Indecorum of such a +proceeding, and, as was usual with him, he gave way, bellowing, however, +like a Calf when the Chaplain told him that he could not in Decency do +less than present a sum of Fifty Ducats (making about Forty Pounds of +our Money) to the convent; for personal or private Guerdon the Nun +positively refused to take. So the Money was given, to the great +delectation of the Sisterhood, who, I believe, made up their minds to +Sing Masses for the bountiful English Lord as they called him, whether +he desired it or not. + +Sorry am I to have to relate that so Pleasant and Moving an Incident +should have had anything like a Dark side. But 'tis always thus in the +World, and there is no Rose without a Thorn. My master, thanks to his +Chaplain, and, it may be, likewise to my own Humble and Respectful +Representations while I was a-dressing of him in the Morning, had come +out of this convent and sick-nurse affair with Infinite credit to +himself and to the English nation in general. Everywhere in Ratisbon was +his Liberality applauded; but, alas! the publicity that was given to his +Donation speedily brought upon us a Plague and Swarm of Ravenous Locusts +and Bloodsuckers. There were as many convents in Ratisbon as plums in a +Christmas porridge; there were Nuns of all kinds of orders, many of +whom, I am afraid, no better than they should be; there were Black Monks +and Gray Monks and Brown Monks and White Monks, Monks of all the colours +of the Rainbow, for aught I can tell. There were Canons and Chapters and +Priories and Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods and Ecclesiastical Hospitals +and Priors' Almonries and Saints' Guilds without end. Never did I see a +larger fry of holy men and women, professing to live only for the next +world, but making the very best of this one while they were in it. A +greasy, lazy, worthless Rabble-Rout they were, making their Religion a +mere Pretext for Mendicancy and the worst of crimes. For the most part +they were as Ignorant as Irish Hedge Schoolmasters; but there were those +among them of the Jesuit, Capuchin, and Benedictine orders; men very +subtle and dangerous, well acquainted with the Languages, and able to +twist you round their Little Fingers with False Rhetoric and Lying +Persuasions. These Snakes in the grass got about my poor weak-minded +Master, although we, as True Protestants and Faithful Servants, did our +utmost to keep them out; but if you closed the Door against 'em, they +would come in at the Keyhole, and if you made the Window fast, they +would slip down the Chimney; and, with their Pernicious Doctrines, +Begging Petitions, and Fraudulent Representations, did so Badger, Bait, +Beleaguer, and Bully him, that the poor Man knew not which Way to Turn. +They too did much differ in their Theology, and each order of Friars +seemed to hold the strong opinion that all who wore cowls cut in another +shape than theirs, or shaved their pates differently, must Infallibly +Burn; but they were of one Mind in tugging at Mr. Pinchin's +Purse-strings, and their cry was ever that of the Horse-Leech's Three +Daughters--"Give, give!" + +Thus they did extract from him Forty Crowns in gold for Redeeming out of +Slavery among the Sallee Rovers ten Citizens of Ratisbon fallen into +that doleful captivity; although I do on my conscience believe that +there were not five native-born men in the whole city who had ever seen +the Salt Sea, much less a Sallee Rover. Next was a donation for a +petticoat for this Saint, and a wig for that one; a score of Ducats for +a School, another for an Hospital for Lepers; until it was Ducats here +and Ducats there all day long. Nor was this the worst; for my Master +began to be Troubled in the Spirit, and to cry out against the Vanities +of the World, and to sigh after the Blessedness of a Life passed in +Seclusion and Contemplation. + +"I'll turn Monk, I will," he cried out one day; "my Lord Duke of Wharton +did it, and why should not I?" + +"Monk, and a Murrain to them and Mercy to us all!" says Mr. Hodge, quite +aghast. "What new Bee will you put under your Bonnet next, sir?" + +"You're a Heretic," answered Mr. Pinchin. "An Anglican Heretic, and so +is my knave John here. There's nothing like the old Faith. There's +nothing like Relics. Didn't I see a prodigious claw set in gold only +yesterday in the Barnabite Church, and wasn't that the true and +undoubted relic of a Griffin?" + +"Was the Griffin a Saint?" asks the Chaplain humbly. + +"What's that to you?" retorts my Master. "You're a Heretic, you're a +Scoffer, an Infidel! I tell you that I mean to become a Monk." + +"What, and wear peas in your shoes! nay, go without shoes at all, and +leave off cutting your toe-nails?" quoth the Chaplain, much irate. +"Forsake washing and the Thirty-nine Articles! Shave your head and +forswear the Act of Settlement! Wear a rope girdle and a rosary instead +of a handsome sword with a silver hilt at your side! Go about begging +and bawling of paternosters! Was it for this that I, a Clergyman of the +Church of England, came abroad with you to keep you in the True Faith +and a Proper respect for the Protestant Succession?" Mr. Hodge had quite +forgotten the value of his Patron's favour, and was growing really +angry. In those days men would really make sacrifices for conscience' +sake. + +"Hang the Protestant Succession, and you too!" screams Mr. Pinchin. + +"Jacobite, Papist, Warming Pan!" roars the Chaplain, "I will delate you +to the English Envoy here, and you shall be laid by the heels as soon as +ever you set foot in England. You shall swing for this, sir!" + +"Leave the Room!" yells Mr. Pinchin, starting up, but trembling in every +limb, for he was hardly yet convalescent of his Fever. + +"I won't," answers the sturdy Chaplain. "You wretched rebellious little +Ape, I arrest you in the King's name and Convocation's. I'll teach you +to malign the Act of Settlement, I will!" + +Whenever Mr. Hodge assumed a certain threatening tone, and began to +pluck at his cassock in a certain manner, Mr. Pinchin was sure to grow +frightened. He was beginning to look scared, when I, who remembering my +place as a servant had hitherto said nothing, ventured to interpose. + +"Oh, Mr. Pinchin!" I pleaded, "think of your Mamma in England. Why, it +will break the good lady's heart if you go Romewards, Sir. Think of your +Estate. Think of your tenants and the Commission of the Peace, and the +duties of a Liveryman of the City of London." + +I knew that I had touched my Master in a tender part, and anon he began +to whimper, and cry about his Mamma, who, he shrewdly enough remarked, +might cause his Estate to be sequestrated under the Act against +Alienation of Lands by Popish Recusants, and so rob the Monks of their +prey. And then, being soothingly addressed by Mr. Hodge, he admitted +that the Friars were for the greater part Beggars and Thieves; and +before supper-time we obtained an easy permission from him to drive +those Pestilent Gentry from the doors, and deny him on every occasion +when they should be impudent enough to seek admission to his presence. + +We were no such high Favourites in Ratisbon after this; and I believe +that the Jesuits denounced us to the Inquisition at Rome,--in case we +should ever go that way,--that the Capuchins cursed us, and the +Benedictines preached against us. The Town Authorities began also to +look upon us with a cold eye of suspicion; and but for the sojourn of an +English Envoy in Ratisbon (we had diplomatic agents then all over the +Continent, and very little they did for their Money save Dance and +Intrigue) the Burgomaster and his Councillors might have gotten up +against us what the French do call _une querelle d'Allemand_, which may +be a Quarrel about Any thing, and is a Fashion of Disagreeing peculiar +to the Germans, who may take offence at the cock of your Hat or the cut +of your Coat, and make either of them a State affair. Indeed, I believe +that some Imprudent Expressions, made use of by my Master on seeing the +Horrible Engines of Torture shown to the curious in the vaults of the +castle, were very nearly being construed into High Treason by the +unfriendly clerical party, and that an Information by the Stadt-Assessor +was being actually drawn up against him, when, by much Persuasion +coupled with some degree of gentle Violence, we got him away from +Ratisbon altogether. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTH. + + OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY + OF PARIS. + + +FROM Ratisbon we travelled down the River Danube, in a very pleasant and +agreeable manner, in a kind of Wooden House mounted on a flat-bottomed +Barge, and not unlike a Noah's Ark. 'Twas most convenient, and even +handsomely laid out, with Parlours, and with Drawing-Rooms, and Kitchens +and Stoves, and a broad planked Promenade over all railed in, and with +Flowering Plants in pots by the sides, quite like a garden. They are +rowed by twelve men each, and move with an almost Incredible Celerity, +so that in the same day one can Delight one's Eye with a vast Variety of +Prospects; and within a short space of time the Traveller has the +diversion of seeing a populous City adorned with magnificent Palaces, +and the most Romantic Solitudes, which appear quite Apart from the +commerce of Mankind, the banks of the Danube being exquisitely disposed +into Forests, Mountains, Vineyards rising in Terraces one above the +other, Fields of Corn and Rye, great Towns, and Ruins of Ancient +Castles. Now for the first time did I see the Cities of Passau and of +Lintz, famous for the retreat of the Imperial Court when Vienna was +besieged by the Great Turk, the same that John Sobieski, King of Poland, +timeously Defeated and put to Rout, to the great shame of the Osmanlis, +and the Everlasting Glory of the Christian arms. + +And now for Vienna. This is the capital of the German Emperor Kaiser, or +Caesar as he calls himself, and a mighty mob of under-Caesars or Archdukes +he has about him. In my young days the Holy Roman Empire was a +Flourishing concern, and made a great noise in the world; but now people +do begin to speak somewhat scornfully of it, and to hold it in no very +great Account, principally, I am told, owing to the levelling Principles +of the Emperor Joseph the Second, who, instead of keeping up the proper +State of Despotic Rule, and filling his Subjects' minds with a due +impression of the Dreadful Awe of Imperial Majesty, has taken to +occupying himself with the affairs of Mean and common persons,--such as +Paupers, Debtors, Criminals, Orphans, Mechanics, and the like,--quite +turning his back on the Exalted Tradition of undisputed power, and +saying sneeringly, that he only bore Crown and Sceptre because Royalty +was his Trade. This they call a Reforming Sovereign; but I cannot see +what good comes out of such wild Humours and Fancies. It is as though my +Lord Duke were to ask his Running Footmen to sit down at table with him; +beg the Coachman not to trouble himself about stable-work, but go wash +the carriage-wheels and currycomb the Horses himself; bid my Lady +Duchess and his Daughters dress themselves in Dimity Gowns and Mob caps, +while Sukey Mobs and Dorothy Draggletail went off to the drawing-room +in Satin sacks and High-heeled shoes; and, to cap his Absurdities, +called up all his Tenants to tell them that henceforth they were to pay +no Rent or Manor Dues at the Court Leet, but to have their Farms in +freehold for ever. No; it is certain the World cannot go on without +Authority, and that, too, of the Smartest. What would you think of a +ship where the Master Mariner had no power over his crew, and no license +to put 'em in the Bilboes, or have 'em up at the gangway to be Drubbed +soundly when they deserved it? And these Reforming Sovereigns, as they +call 'em, are only making, to my mind, Rods for their own Backs, and +Halters for their own Necks. Where would the Crown and Majesty be now, I +wonder, if His Blessed Majesty had given way to the Impudent Demands of +Mr. Washington and the American Rebels?[E] + +The Streets of Vienna, when I first visited that capital, were very +close and narrow--so narrow, indeed, that the fine fronts of the Palaces +(which are very Grand) can scarcely be seen. Many of 'em deserve close +observation, being truly Superb, all built of Fine White Stone, and +excessive high, the town being much too little for the number of its +inhabitants. But the Builders seem to have repaired that Misfortune by +clapping one town on the top of another, most of the Houses being of +Five and some of Six Stories. The Streets being so narrow, the rooms are +all exceeding Dark, and never so humble a mansion but has half a dozen +families living in it. In the Handsomest even all Ranks and Conditions +are Mingled together pellmell. You shall find Field-Marshals, +Lieutenants, Aulic Councillors, and Great Court Ladies divided but by a +thin partition from the cabins of Tailors and Shoemakers; and few even +of the Quality could afford a House to themselves, or had more than Two +Floors in a House--one for their own use, and another for their +Domestics. It was the Dead Season of the year when we came to this +City, and so, at not so very enormous a rate, we got a suite of six or +eight large rooms all inlaid, the Doors and Windows richly carved and +gilt, and the Furniture such as is rarely seen but in the Palaces of +Sovereign Princes in other countries; the Hangings in finest tapestry of +Brussels, prodigious large looking-glasses in silver frames (in making +which they are exceeding Expert); fine Japan Tables, Beds, Chairs, +Canopies, and Curtains of the richest Genoa Damask or Velvet, almost +covered with gold lace or embroidery. The whole made Gay by Pictures, or +Great Jars of Porcelain; in almost every room large lustres of pure +Crystal; and every thing as dirty as a Secondhand Clothes dealer's booth +in Rag Fair. + +We were not much invited out at Vienna, the very Highest Quality only +being admitted to their company by the Austrians, who are the very +Haughtiest and most exclusive among the High Dutch, and look upon a mere +untitled Englishman as Nobody (although he may be of Ten Times better +blood than their most noble Raggednesses). A mean sort, for all their +finely furnished palaces, and wearing mighty foul Body Linen. The first +question they ask, when they Hear that a Stranger desires to be +Presented to them, is, "Is he Born?" The query having nothing to do with +the fact of his nativity, but meaning (so I have been told), "Has he +five-and-thirty Quarterings in his Coat-of-Arms?" And if he has but +four-and-thirty (though some of their greatest nobles have not above +Four or Five Hundred Pounds a year to live on), the Stranger is held to +be no more Born than if he were an embryo; and the Quality of Vienna +takes no more notice of him than of the Babe which is unborn. + +Truly, it was the Dead Season, and we could not have gone to many +Dinners and Assemblies, even if the Aristocracy had been minded to show +hospitality towards us. There were Theatres and Operas, however, open, +which much delighted my Master and myself (who was privileged to attend +him), although the Reverend Mr. Hodge stayed away for conscience' sake +from such Profane amusements, comforting himself at home over a merry +Book and a Bottle of Erlauer, which is an Hungarian wine, very dark and +Rough, but as strong as a Bullock, and an excellent Stomachic. Nothing +more magnificent than the Operas then performed at the Gardens of the +Favorite, throwing the Paris and London houses utterly into the shade, +and I have heard that the Habits, Decorations, and Scene Paintings, cost +the Emperor Thirty Thousand Pound Sterling. And to think of the millions +of poor ragged wretches that must have been taxed, and starved, and +beaten, and robbed, and skinned alive, so to speak, before His Majesty's +pleasures would be paid for.[F] The Stage in this Favorite Garden was +built over a large canal, and at the beginning of the Second Act divided +(as in our own Theatre hard by Sadler's Wells) into Two Parts, +discovering the water, on which there immediately came from different +parts two little Fleets of gilded vessels, that gave the impression +(though ludicrously incorrect in their Riggings and Manoeuvres) of a +Sea-fight. The story of the Opera was, if I remember right, the +Enchantments of Alcina, an entertainment which gave opportunity for a +great Variety of Machines and changes of the Scene, which were performed +with surprising swiftness. No House could hold such large Decorations. +But the Ladies all sitting in the open air, exposed them to much +inconvenience; for there was but one Canopy for the Imperial Family; and +the first night we were there, a shower of Rain coming on, the Opera was +broken off, and the Company crowded away in such confusion that we were +almost squeezed to Death. + +If their Operas were thus productive of such Delectable Entertainment +(abating the Rain and crowding), I cannot say much for their Comedies +and Drolls, which were highly Ridiculous. We went to the German +Playhouse, and saw the Story of Amphytrion very scurvily represented. +Jupiter falls in love out of a peep-hole in the clouds in the +beginning, and the end of it was the Birth of Hercules. It was very +pitiful to see Jove, under the figure of Amphytrion, cheating a Tailor +of a laced coat, and a Banker of a bag of Money, and a Jew of a Diamond +Ring, with the like rascally Subterfuges; and Mercury's usage of Sosia +was little more dignified. And the play was interlarded with very gross +expressions and unseemly gestures, such as in England would not be +tolerated by the Master of the Revels, or even in France by the +Gentleman of the Chamber having charge over the Theatres, but at which +the Viennese Quality, both Male and Female, did laugh Heartily and with +much Gusto. + +Memorandum. As some of the Manners then existing have passed away (in +this sad changeful age, when every thing seems melting away like Cowheel +Jelly at a Wedding Feast), I have set down for those curious in such +matters that the Vienna Dames were squeezed up in my time in gowns and +gorgets, and had built fabrics of gauze on their Heads about a yard +high, consisting of Three or Four Stories, fortified with numberless +yards of heavy Ribbon. The foundation of this alarming structure was a +thing they called a _Bourle_, which was exactly of the same shape and +kind--only four times Bigger--as those Rolls which our Milkmaids make +use of to fix their Pails upon. This machine they covered with their own +hair, with which they mixed a great deal of False; it being a particular +and Especial Grace with them to have their Heads too large to go into a +moderate-sized Tub. Their Hair was prodigiously powdered to conceal the +mixture, and so set out with numerous rows of Bodkins, sticking out +three or four Inches on each side, made of Diamonds, Pearls, Green, Red, +and Yellow Stones, that it certainly required as much Art and Experience +to carry the load upright as to dance on May-day with the Garland that +the Dairy Wenches borrow (under good security) from the Silversmiths in +Cranbourne Alley. Also they had Whalebone Petticoats, outdoing ours by +several yards in circumference. Vastly Ridiculous were these +Fashions--think you not so, good Sir or Madam, as the case may be? and +yet, may I be shot, but much later in the present century I have seen +such things as hoops, _bourles_, tours, and toupees, not one whit less +Ridiculous. + +The Empress, a sweet pretty lady, was perforce obliged to wear this +Habit; but with the other Female Grandees it only served to increase +their natural Ugliness. Memorandum: that at Court (whither we went not, +being "unborn," but heard a great deal of it from hearsay) a Game called +Quinze was the Carding most in vogue. Their drawing-rooms are different +from those in England, no Man Creature entering it but the old +Grand-Master, who comes to announce to the Empress the arrival of His +Imperial Majesty the Caesar. Much gravity and Ceremony at these +Receptions, and all very Formal, but decent. The Empress sits in a great +easy-chair! but the Archduchesses are ranged on chairs with tall, +straight Backs, but without arms; whilst the other Ladies of the Court +(poor things) may stand on one Leg, or lean against sideboards, to rest +themselves as they choose; but Sit Down they Dare not. This is the same +Discipline, I believe, that still prevails, and so I speak of it in the +present tense. The Table is entirely set out, and served by the +Empress's Maids of Honour (who put on the very dishes and sauces), +Twelve young Ladies of the First Quality, having no Salary, but their +chamber at court (like our Maids at the Montpelier by Twitnam), where +they live in a kind of Honourable Captivity, not being suffered to go to +the Assemblies of Public Places in Town, except in compliment to the +wedding of a Sister Maid, whom the Empress always presents with her +picture set in Diamonds. And yet, for all their Strict confinement, I +have heard fine Accounts of the goings-on of these noble Ladies. The +first three of them are called "Ladies of the Key," and wear little +golden keys at their sides. The Dressers are not at all the figures they +pretend to in England, being looked upon no otherwise than as downright +Chambermaids. + +So much of the State and Grandeur of Vienna, then the most considerable +city in Germany; though now Berlin, thanks to the Genius of its Puissant +Monarch, has Reared its head very high. It was, however, my cruel Fate +to see something more of the Capital of the Holy Roman Empire, and that +too in a form that was of the unpleasantest. You must know that my +Master and the Chaplain and I (when we had been some Weeks in town, and +through the interest of the English Bankers had gotten admission into +some Society not quite so exclusive as the People who wanted to know +whether you were "born") went one afternoon to an Archery Festival that +was held in the garden of the Archchancellor's Villa, at Schoenbrunn (now +Imperial property). 'Twas necessary to have some kind of Introduction; +but that, if you stood well in the Banker's Books, was not very +Difficult; and, invited or not, you had to pay a golden Ducat to the +Usher of Ceremonies (a preposterous creature, like the Jack of Diamonds +in his dress), that brought your ticket to your lodgings. So away we +went to Schoenbrunn, and at a Respectful distance were privileged to +behold two of the young Archduchesses all dressed, their Hair full of +jewels, and with bows and arrows in their hands; while a little way off +were placed three oval pictures, which were the marks to be shot at. The +first was a Cupid, filling a bottle of Burgundy, with the motto +"_Cowards may be brave here._" The second Fortune, holding a garland, +with the motto "_Venture and Win._" The third a Sword with a Laurel +Wreath at the point, and for legend, "_I can be vanquished without +shame._" At t'other end was a Fine Gilded Trophy all wreathed with +flowers, and made of little crooks, on which were hung rich Moorish +Kerchiefs (which were much affected by the Viennese, a people very fond +of gay and lively colours), tippets, ribbons, laces, &c., for the small +prizes. The Empress, who sat under a splendid canopy fenced about by +musketeers of the Life Guard, gave away the first prize with her own +hand, which was a brave Ruby Ring set with Diamonds in a gold +snuff-box. For the Second prize there was a little Cupid, very nicely +done out of amethysts, and besides these a set of fine Porcelain, of the +kind they call Eggshell (for its exceeding Tenderness and Brittleness), +with some Japan trunks, feather-fans, and Whimwams of that order. All +the men of quality in Vienna were spectators; but only the ladies had +permission to shoot. There was a good background of burghers and +strangers, and in the rear of all a Mob that drank beer and scrambled +for Kreutzers, which the officers of the Guard who were keeping the +Barriers would now and then throw among them for their Diversion's sake. +And all behind it was like a Fair, set out with Booths, where there was +shooting and drinking and Gaming, just at one's ease; for I have ever +found that in the most Despotic countries the Mobile have a kind of Rude +License accorded them; whereas in States where there is Freedom +Authority gives a man leave to Think, but very carefully ties his hands +and feet whenever he has a mind to a Frisk. My Master was in very good +spirits that day (having quite recovered his health), and for a time +wanders about the Tents, now treating the common people, and now having +a bumper with Mr. Hodge. We had tickets for the second ring, but not for +the Inner one, where the Quality were standing; but just before the +shooting of the great Match for the Empress's ruby ring, Mr. Pinchin, +into whose head some of the bubbles from the white Hungarian had begun +to mount, begins to brag about his gentle extraction, and his cousinage +to Lady Betty Heeltap and my Lord Poddle. He vows that he is as well +"born" as any of the rascaille German Sausage-gorgers (as he calls +them), and is as fit to stand about Royalty as any of them. The +Chaplain, who was always a discreet man, tried hard to persuade him +against thrusting himself forward where his company was not desired; but +Mr. Pinchin was in that state in which arguing with a man makes him more +obstinate. Away he goes, the Chaplain prudently withdrawing into a +Booth; but I, as in Duty bound, followed my Master, to see that he got +into no mischief. But, alas, the Mischief that unhappy little Man +speedily contrived to entangle himself within! + +By dint of a Florin here and a Florin there, the adventurous Squire +succeeded in slipping through the row of Guards who separated the outer +from the inner Ring, who, from the richness of his Apparel (for he was +dressed in his very Best), may perhaps have mistaken him for some Court +Nobleman who had arrived late. He had got within the charmed circle +indeed (I being a few paces behind him), and was standing on Tiptoe to +take a full stare at one of the young Archduchesses who was bending her +bow to shoot at Cupid, when up comes an old Lord with a very long white +face like a Sheep, with a Crimson Ribbon across his breast, and a long +white staff in his hand atop of which was a Golden Key. He first asks my +Master in German what he wants there, at least so far as I could +understand; to which the Squire, not being versed in the Tongues of +Almaine (and, indeed, High Dutch and Low Dutch are both very Base +Parlance, and I never could master 'em), answers, "_Non comprenny_," +which was his general reply when he was puzzled in the Foreign Lingos. +Then the old Lord, with a very sharp voice and in French, tells him that +he has no Business there, and bids him begone. Mr. Pinchin could +understand French, though he spoke it but indifferently; but he, being +fairly Primed, and in one of his Obstinate Moods, musters up his best +parleyvoo, and tells the Ancient with the Golden Key (and I saw that he +had another one hung round his neck by a parcel chain, and conjectured +him to be a High Chamberlain at least) to go to the Devil. (I ask pardon +for this word.) Hereupon my Lord with the Sheep's countenance collars +him, runs his white stick into his visage, so that the key nearly puts +his eye out, and roars for the Guard. Then Mr. Pinchin, according to his +custom when he has gotten himself into a pother, begins to squeal for +Me, and the Chaplain, and his Mamma, to help him out of it. My blood +was up in a moment; I had not had a Tussle with any one for a long time. +"Shall I who have brained an English Grenadier sneak off before a +rabble-rout of Sauerkraut Soldiers?" I asked myself, remembering how +much Stronger and Older I had grown since that night. "Here goes, Jack +Dangerous!" and away I went into the throng, wrenched the white staff +from the old Lord's hand, made him unhand my Master, and drawing his +Sword for him (he being too terrified to draw it himself), grasped him +firmly by the arm, and was preparing to cut a way back for both of us +through the crowd. But 'twas a mad attempt. Up came the Guard, every man +of them Six Foot high, and for all they were Sauerkraut Soldiers, +pestilent Veterans who knew what Fighting meant. When I saw their fixed +Bayonets, and their Mustachios curling with rage, I remembered a certain +Scar I had left on me after a memorable night in Charlwood Chase. We +were far from our own country, and there was no Demijohn of Brandy by; +so, though it went sore against my Stomach, there was no help for it +but to surrender ourselves at once Prisoners of War. Prisoners of War, +forsooth! They treated us worse than Galley Slaves. Our hands were bound +behind us with cords, Halters were put about our necks, and, the +Grenadiers prodding us behind with their bayonets,--the Dastards, so to +prick Unarmed Men!--we were conducted in ignominy through the rascal +Crowd, which made a Grinning, Jeering, Hooting lane for us to pass to +the Guardhouse at the Entrance of the Gardens. The Officer of the Guard +was at first for having both of us strapped down to a Bench as a +preliminary measure to receive two hundred Blows apiece with Willow Rods +in the small of our backs, which is their usual way of commencing +Judicial proceedings, when up comes the old Lord in a Monstrous Puff and +Flurry, and says that by the Empress's command no present Harm is to be +done us; but that we are to be removed to the Town Gaol till the Caesar's +pleasure respecting us shall be known. Her Majesty, however, forgot to +enjoin that we were not to be fettered; so the Captain of the Guard he +claps on us the heaviest Irons that ever Mutineers howled in; and we, +being flung into a kind of Brewer's Dray, and accompanied by a Strong +Guard of Horse and Foot, were conveyed to Vienna, and locked up in the +Town Gaol. + +Luckily Mr. Hodge speedily got wind of our misfortune, and hied him to +the British Ambassador, who, being fond of a Pleasant Story, laughed +heartily at the recital. He promised to get my Master off on payment of +a Fine or something of that sort; and as for me, he was good enough to +opine that I might think myself Lucky if I escaped with a sound dose of +the Bastinado once a week for three months, and a couple of years or so +in Irons. The Chaplain pleaded for me as well as for my Master as hard +as he could; and his Excellency frowned and said, that the Diversions of +a Gentleman might run a little wild sometimes and no harm done, but that +the Insolence of Servants (which was a growing evil) must be restrained. +"At all events, I'll see what I can do," he condescended to explain. +"Come what may, the Fellow can't fare very badly for a sound Beating, +and perhaps they will let him off when he has had cudgelling enough." So +he calls for his Coach, and goes off to Court. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[E] Had Captain Dangerous written his memoirs a few years later, he +might have found cause to alter his opinion respecting the wisdom of +George III. in refusing to grant the American demands. + +[F] And yet Captain Dangerous is a stanch opponent of Reform.--ED. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTH. + + OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA), AND + OF MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY, + WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY. + + +THE Fox in the Fable, so my Grannum (who had a ready Memory for those +Tales) used to tell me, when he first saw the Lion was half dead with +Fright. The Second View only a little Dashed him with Tremour; at the +Third he durst salute him Boldly; and at the Fourth Rencounter Monsieur +Reynard steals a Shin Bone of Beef from under the old Roarer's Nose, and +laughs at his Beard. This Fable came back to me, as with a Shrug and a +Grin (somewhat of the ruefullest) I found myself again (and for no Base +Action I aver) in a Prison Hold. I remembered what a dreadful Sickness +and Soul-sinking I had felt when doors of Oak clamped with Iron had +first clanged upon me; when I first saw the Blessed Sun made into a +Quince Tart by the cross-bars over his Golden face; when I first heard +that clashing of Gyves together which is the Death Rattle of a man's +Liberty. But now! Gaols and I were old Acquaintances. Had I not lain +long in the dismal Dungeon at Aylesbury? Had I not sweltered in the Hold +of a Transport Ship? I was but a Youth; but I felt myself by this time a +Parcel Philosopher. The first thing a man should do when he gets into +Gaol, is to ask himself whether there is any chance of his being Hanged. +If he have no Sand Blindness, or Gossamer dancing of Threepenny cord +before his eyes, why then he had e'en better eat and drink, and Thank +God, and hope for the Best. "They won't Hang me," I said cheerfully +enough to myself, when I was well laid up in Limbo. The Empress is well +known to be a merciful Lady, and will cast the ermine of Mercy over the +Scarlet Robe of Stern Authority. Perhaps I shall get my Ribs basted. +What of that? Flesh is flesh, and will Heal. They cannot beat me so +sorely as I have seen done (but never of myself Ordered but when I was +compelled) to Negro Slaves. If they fine me, my Master must Pay. Here I +am by the Heels, and until I get out again what use is there in +Fretting? Lady Fortune has played me a scurvy trick; but may she not +to-morrow play as roguish a one to the Sheepfaced old Chamber Lord with +the golden Key, or any other smart Pink-an-eye Dandiprat that hangs +about the Court? The Spoke which now is highest in her Wheel may, when +she gives it the next good Twist, be undermost as Nock. So I took +Courage, and bade Despair go Swing for a dried Yeoman Sprat as he is. + +I being a Servant, and so unjustly accounted of Base Degree by these +Sour-Cabbage gorging and Sourer-Beer swilling High Dutch Bed-Pressers, +was put into the Common Ward with the Raff; while my Master was +suffered, on Payment of Fees, to have better lodgings. Gaolers are +Gaolers all over the world, and Golden Fetters are always the +lightsomest. We were some Sixty Rascals (that is to say, Fifty-nine +scoundrels, with one Honest Youth, your Humble Servant) in the Common +Room, with but one Bed between us; this being, indeed, but a Raised +Wooden Platform, like that you see in a Soldiers' Guard Room. They +brought us some Straw every day, and littered us down Dog Fashion, and +that was all we had for Lodging Gear. It mattered little. There was a +Roof to the Gaol that was weather-tight, and what more could a Man +want?--until things got better at least. + +Which they speedily did; and neither Master nor Man came to any very +great harm. 'Twas a near touch, though; and the safety of Jack +Dangerous's bones hung for days, so I was afterwards told, by the merest +thread. They deliberated long and earnestly about my case among +themselves. It was even, I believe, brought before the Aulic Council; +but, after about a week's confinement, and much going to and fro +between the English Embassador and the Great ones of the Court, Mr. +Pinchin had signified to him that he might procure his Enlargement by +paying a Fine of Eight Hundred Florins, which was reckoned remarkably +cheap, considering his outrageous behaviour at the Shooting match. Some +days longer they thought fit to detain Me; but My Master, after he +regained his liberty, came to see me once and sometimes twice a day; and +through his and Mr. Hodge's kindness, I was supplied with as good +Victuals and Drink as I had heretofore been accustomed to. Indeed, such +abundant fare was there provided for me, that I had always a +superfluity, and I was enabled to relieve the necessities and fill the +bellies of many poor Miserable Hungry creatures who otherwise must have +starved; for 'twas the custom of the Crown only to allow their Captives +a few Kreutzers, amounting to some twopence-farthing a day English, for +their subsistence. The Oldest Prisoner in the Ward, whom they called +Father of the Room, would on this Bare Pittance take tithe and toll, +often in a most Extortionate manner. Then these Gaol birds would fall to +thieving from one another, even as they slept; and if a man was weak of +Arm and Feeble of Heart, he might go for a week without touching a doit +of his allowance, and so might Die of Famine, unless he could manage to +beg a little filthy Cabbage Soup, or a lump of Black Bread, from some +one not wholly without Bowels of Compassion. + +But I had not been here more than a month when the instances of my +master at length prevailed, and I too was Enlarged; only some Fifty +Florins being laid upon me by way of fine. This mulct was paid perforce +by Mr. Pinchin; for as 'twas through his mad folly, and no fault of my +own, that I had come to Sorrow, he was in all Justice and Equity bound +to bear me harmless in the Consequences. He was fain, however, to make +some Demur, and to Complain, in his usual piteous manner, of being so +amerced. + +"Suppose you had been sentenced to Five Hundred Blows of a Stick, +sirrah,"--'twas thus he put the case to me, logically enough,--"would +you have expected me to pay for thee in carcase, as now I am paying for +thee in Purse?" + +"Circumstances alter cases," interposes Mr. Hodge in my behalf. "Here is +luckily no question of Stripes at all. John may bless his Stars that he +hath gotten off without a Rib-Roasting; and to your Worship, after the +Tune they have made you dance to, and the Piper you have paid, what is +this miserable little Fine of Fifty Florins?" So my Master paid; and +Leaving another Ten Florins for the poor Losels in the Gaol to drink his +health in, we departed from that place of Durance, thinking ourselves, +and with reason, very well out of it. + +Servants are not always so lucky when they too implicitly obey the +behests of their Masters, or, in a hot fever of Fidelity, stand up for +them in Times of Danger or Desperate Affrays. Has there not ever been +brought under your notice that famous French Law Case, of the Court +Lady,--the Dame de Liancourt, I think she was called,--against whom +another Dame had a Spite, either for her Beauty, or her Wit, or her +Riches' sake? She, riding one day in her Coach-and-Six by a cross-road, +comes upon the Dame de Liancourt, likewise in her Coach-and-Six, both +ladies having the ordinary complement of Running Footmen. My Lady who +had a Spite against her of Liancourt whispers to her Lacqueys; and these +poor Faithful Rogues, too eager to obey their Mistress's commands, ran +to the other coach-door, pulled out that unlucky Dame de Liancourt, and +then and there inflicted on her that shameful chastisement which jealous +Venus, as the Poetry books say, did, once upon a time, order to poor +Psyche; and which, even in our own times, so I have heard, Madame du +Barry, the last French King's Favourite, did cause Four Chambermaids to +inflict on some Lady about Versailles with whom she had cause of Anger. +At any rate, the cruel and Disgraceful thing was done, the Dame sitting +in her coach meanwhile clapping her hands. O! 'twas a scandalous thing. +The poor Dame de Liancourt goes, Burning with Rage and Shame, to the +Chief Town of the Province, to lodge her complaint. The matter is +brought before the Parliament, and in due time it goes to Paris, and is +heard and re-heard, the Judges all making a Mighty to-do about it; and +at last, after some two years and a half's litigation, is settled in +this wise. My Lady pays a Fine and the Costs, and begs the Dame de +Liancourt's pardon. But what, think you, becomes of the two poor +Lacqueys that had been rash enough to execute her Revengeful Orders? +Why, at first they are haled about from one gaol to another for Thirty +Months in succession, and then they are subjected to the question, +Ordinary and Extraordinary--that is to say, to the Torture; and at last, +when my Lady is paying her fine of 10,000 livres, I think, or about Four +Hundred Pounds of our Money, the Judges at Paris pronounce against these +two poor Devils of Footmen,--that were as innocent of any Malice in the +Matter as the Babe that is unborn, and only Did what they were +Told,--that one is to be Hanged in the Place de Greve, and the other +banished to the Galleys, there to be chained to the Oar for life. A fine +Encouragement truly for those who think that, for good Victuals and a +Fine Livery, they are bound to obey all the Humours and Caprices, even +to the most Unreasonable and most Arbitrary, of their Masters and +Mistresses. + +We were in no great Mood, after this Affair was over, to remain in +Vienna. Mr. Pinchin did at first purpose journeying through the Province +of Styria by Gratz, to a little town on the sea-coast, called +Trieste,--that has much grown in importance during these latter +days,--and so crossing the Gulf to Venice; but he abandoned this Scheme. +His health was visibly breaking; his Funds, he said, were running low; +he was more anxious about his Mamma than ever; and 'twas easy to see +that he was half-weary and half-afraid of the Chaplain and Myself, and +that he desired nothing Half so Much as to get Rid of us Both. So we +packed up, and resumed our Wanderings, but in Retreat instead of +Advance. We passed, coming back, through Dresden, where there are some +fine History Pictures, and close to which the Saxon Elector had set up a +great Factory for the making of painted Pottery Ware: not after the +monstrous Chinese Fashion, but rather after the Mode practised with +great Success at our own Chelsea. The manner of making this Pottery was, +however, kept a high State Secret by the government of the then Saxon +Elector; and no strangers were, on any pretence, admitted to the place +where the Works were carried on; so of this we saw nothing: and not +Sorry was I of the privation, being utterly Wearied and palled with much +gadding about and Sight-seeing. So post to Frankfort, where there were a +many Jews; and thence to Mayence; and from thence down the grand old +River Rhine to the City of Cologne; whence, by the most lagging stages I +did ever know, to Bruxelles. But we stayed not here to see the +sights--not even the droll little statue of the Mannikin (at the corner +of a street, in a most improper attitude; and there is a Group quite as +unseemly in one of the Markets, so I was told, although at that time we +were fain to pass them by), which Mannikin the burgesses of Bruxelles +regard as a kind of tutelary Divinity, and set much greater store by +than do we by our London Stone, or Little Naked Boy in Panyer Alley. But +it is curious to mark what strange fanteagues these Foreigners run mad +after. + +At Bruxelles my Master buys an old Post Carriage--cost him Two Hundred +and Fifty Livres, which was not dear; and the wretched horses of the +country being harnessed thereto, we made Paris in about a week +afterwards. We alighted at a decent enough kind of Inn, in the Place +named after Lewis the Great (an eight-sided space, and the houses +handsome, though not so large as Golden Square). There was a great sight +the day after our coming, which we could not well avoid seeing. This was +the Burial of a certain great nobleman, a Duke and Marshal of France, +and at the time of his Decease Governor of the City of Paris. I have +forgotten his name; but it does not so much matter at this time of day, +his Grace and Governorship being as dead as Queen Anne. It began (the +Burial), on foot, from his house, which was next door but one to our +Inn, and went first to his Parish Church, and thence, in coaches, right +to the other end of Paris, to a Monastery where his Lordship's Family +Vault was. There was a prodigious long procession of Flambeaux; Friars, +white, black, and gray, very trumpery, and marvellous foul-looking; no +plumes, banners, scutcheons, led horses, or open chariots,--altogether +most mean obsequies. The march began at eight in the evening, and did +not end till four o'clock the next morning, for at each church they +passed they stopped for a Hymn and Holy Water. And, by the way, we were +told that one of these same choice Friars, who had been set to watching +the body while it lay in state, fell asleep one night, and let the +Tapers catch fire of the rich Velvet Mantle, lined with Ermine and +powdered over with gold Flower-de-Luces, which melted all the candles, +and burnt off one of the feet of the Departed, before it wakened the +watcher. + +It was afterwards my fortune to know Paris very well; but I cannot say +that I thought much of the place on first coming to it. Dirt there was +everywhere, and the most villanous smells that could be imagined. A +great deal of Show, but a vein of Rascal manners running through it all. +Nothing neat or handsomely ordered. Where my Master stood to see the +Burial Procession, the balcony was hung with Crimson Damask and Gold; +but the windows behind him were patched in half-a-dozen places with +oiled paper. At Dinner they gave you at least Three Courses; but a third +of the Repast was patched up with Sallets, Butter, Puff-paste, or some +such miscarriages of Dishes. Nothing like good, wholesome, substantial +Belly-Timber. None but Germans, and other Strangers, wore fine clothes; +the French people mainly in rags, but powdered up to their eyebrows. +Their coaches miserably horsed, and rope-harnessed; yet, in the way of +Allegories on the panels, all tawdry enough for the Wedding of Cupid +and Psyche. Their shop-signs extremely laughable. Here some living at +the Y Gue; some at Venus's Toilette; and others at the Sucking Cat. +Their notions of Honour most preposterous. It was thought mighty +dishonourable for any that was a Born Gentleman not to be in the Army, +or in the King's Service, but no dishonour at all to keep Public Gaming +Houses; there being at least five hundred persons of the first Quality +in Paris living by it. You might go to their Houses at all Hours of the +Night, and find Hazard, Pharaoh, &c. The men who kept the gaming-tables +at the Duke of Gesvres' paid him twelve guineas a night for the +privilege. Even the Princesses of the Blood were mean enough to go +snacks in the profits of the banks kept in their palaces. I will say +nothing more of Paris in this place, save that it was the fashion of the +Ladies to wear Red Hair of a very deep hue; these said Princesses of the +Blood being consumedly carroty. And I do think that if a Princess of the +Blood was born with a Tail, and chose to show it, tied up with +Pea-Green Ribbon, through the Placket-hole of her Gown, the Ladies, not +only in France, but all over the World, would be proud to sport Tails +with Pea-Green Ribbons,--or any other colour that was the mode,--whether +they were Born with 'em or not. + +Nothing more that is worthy of Mention took place until our leaving +Paris. We came away in a calash, that is, my Master and the Chaplain, +riding at their Ease in that vehicle, while I trotted behind on a little +Bidet, and posted it through St. Denis to Beauvais. So on to Abbeville, +where they had the Impudence to charge us Ten Livres for three Dishes of +Coffee, and some of the nastiest Eau de Vie that ever I tasted; excusing +themselves, the Rogues, on the score that Englishmen were scarce +nowadays. And to our great Relief, we at last arrived at Calais, where +we had comfortable Lodgings, and good fare, at a not too exorbitant +rate. Here we had to wait four days for a favourable Wind; and even then +we found the Packet Boat all taken up for Passengers, and not a place +on board to be had either for Love or Money. As Mr. Pinchin was +desperately pressed to reach his Native Land, to wait for the next boat +seemed utterly intolerable to him; so, all in a Hurry, and being +cheated, as folks when they are in a Hurry must needs be, we bargained +for a Private Yatch to take us to Dover. The Master would hear of +nothing less than five-and-twenty guineas for the voyage, which, with +many Sighs and almost Weeping, my poor Little Master agrees to give. He +might have recouped himself ten guineas of the money; for there was a +Great Italian Singing Woman, with her Chambermaid, her Valet de Chambre, +a Black Boy, and a Monkey, bound for the King's Opera House in the +Haymarket, very anxious to reach England, and willing to pay +Handsomely--out of English pockets in the long-run--for the +accommodation we had to give; but my capricious Master flies into a +Tiff, and vows that he will have no Foreign Squallers on board his Yatch +with him. So the poor Signora--who was not at all a Bad-looking woman, +although mighty Brown of visage--was fain to wait for the next Packet; +and we went off in very great state, but still having to Pay with +needless heaviness for our Whistle. And, of course, all the way there +was nothing but whining and grumbling on his Worship's part, that so +short a trip should have cost him Twenty-five Guineas. The little Brute +was never satisfied; and when I remembered the Life I had led with him, +despite abundant Victuals, good Clothes, and decent Wages, I confess +that I felt half-inclined to pitch him over the Taffrail, and make an +End of him, for good and all. + +The villanous Tub which the Rascals who manned it called a Yatch was not +Seaworthy, wouldn't answer her Helm, and floundered about in the Trough +of the Sea for a day and a half; and even then we did not make Dover, +but were obliged to beat up for Ramsgate. We had been fools enough to +pay the Fare beforehand; and these Channel Pirates were unconscionable +enough to demand Ten Guineas more, swearing that they would have us up +before the Mayor--who, I believe, was in league with 'em--if we did not +disburse. Then the Master of the Port came upon us for Dues and Light +Tolls; and a Revenue Pink boarded us, the Crew getting Half-drunk at our +Expense, under pretence of searching for contraband, and sticking to us +till we had given the Midshipman a guinea, and another guinea to the +Crew, to drink our Healths. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTH. + + OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE: + AMONGST OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE IN + THE FLEET. + + +THE best of Friends, says the Proverb, must part, and so must the worst, +or the most indifferent of companions. By this time, I apprehend,--that +is to say, the year 1728, Messieurs Pinchin, Hodge, and Dangerous had +had quite enough of each other's company, and 'twas ripe Time for 'em to +Part. Not but what there were some difficulties in the way. 'Twas not to +be denied that my little Master was a parcel curmudgeon, very vain and +conceited, very difficult of management in his Everlasting Tempers, and +a trifle Mad, besides; but his service--apart from the inconvenience of +bearing with a tetchy, half Lunatic Ape of Quality, was light and easy; +the victuals were abundant and the Wages were comfortable. There must +be two parties to make a quarrel, and when Master and servant propose to +part, there should be a perfect agreement between them as to the manner +of their going asunder. A Hundred times, vexed by the follies and +exactions of the little man, I had sworn that I would doff his livery, +and have nothing more to do with him; but then came the Reflection of +the certain Bite and Sup, and I withheld my abandonment of Service. It +may be that the Chaplain, Mr. Hodge, was very much of the same mind as +your Humble. He said often, that he had been bearleader quite long +enough to this young Cub, and was sick alike of his savage hugs, and +uncouth gestures, when he had a mind to dance. Yet was he wise enough in +his generation to acknowledge the commodity of a fat Pasty and a full +Flask every day in the year, and of a neverfailing crown piece in the +pouch in the morning for a draught to cool one's throat, when the bottle +had been pushed about pretty briskly overnight. Parson Hodge was a +philosopher. "I don't like the kicks," quoth he; "but when halfpence +come along with 'em, they cease to be intolerable." + +However, all our nice weighings of Pros and Cons were brought to a very +abrupt standstill upon our arrival at Dover (having taken a post chariot +from Ramsgate) by the Inconceivable Behaviour of Mr. Pinchin. This young +Gentleman, utterly forgetting the claims of Duty, of Honour, of Honesty, +and of Gratitude, fairly Ran away from us, his faithful and Attached +Domestics. Without with your leave or by your leave he showed us a clean +pair of Heels. He left a very cool Letter for the Chaplain in the hands +of the master of the Inn where we put up, in which he repeated his old +uncivil Accusation, that we had eaten him out of House and Home, that we +were Leeches, Pirates, bloodsucking vampires, and the like--myself he +even did the honour to call a Designing Cockatrice--and that he had fled +from us to save the small remains of his Fortune from being Devoured, +and intended to rejoin his long-neglected Mamma. Mr. Hodge read me this +letter with a very long face, and asked me what I intended to do. I +answered that I should be better able to tell him when he had read me +the Postscript to the letter, for that I hardly fancied that Squire +Pinchin would behave in so Base and Mean a manner as to run away without +paying his Body Servant's wages. Upon this the Reverend Gentleman hems +and ha's somewhat, and gave me to understand that Mr. Pinchin had +enclosed a draft upon a Goldsmith in Change Alley in part disbursement +of his debt to him, Mr. Hodge, and that out of that--although no special +provision had been made for me by Mr. Pinchin--he thought he could spare +me a matter of Ten Pound. Now as he kept the letter very tight in his +hand, and was, withal, a Strong Man, who would have resisted any attempt +of mine to wrest it from him, I was fain to take his statement for +granted, and in a very Sulky manner agreed to accept the Ten Pound in +full of all demands, stipulating only that my Travelling charges to +London should be defrayed. This Mr. Hodge boggled at for awhile; but, +seeing me Resolute he gave way, and at last said that there was no need +for me to trouble with going to the Goldsmith in London to get the Draft +changed--"If, indeed," says he, "the unhappy young spendthrift be not +proclaimed a Bankrupt before I get this slip of paper cashed;" and that +having a small store of Gold by him, he would give me the Ten Pound +down, together with a couple of Pieces to bear my Expenses to the Town. +To this I agreed; and his Reverence handing me over the ready, we cried +Quits. + +"And now, Sir," says I, "as you are no longer a Led-Parson, and I am no +longer a Lacquey, we are both, till we get Fresh Places, Gentlemen at +large, and Jack is as good as his Master, I shall be happy to crack a +bottle of Lisbon with you, and whether you pay or I pay shall be decided +by the flinging up of a Jacobus." + +He declared that I was an Impudent young Fellow, with more Wickednesses +in my Heart than I had hairs in my Head; but he accepted my Invitation +to crack the bottle of Lisbon very readily, and won the Toss of me with +much Affability. So, after a joyous Rouse (which my young Head could +then stand, but I am a sad Skinker at the bottle now), the Landlord +standing in, we drank Mr. Pinchin's health and better manners to him; +and his Reverence dismissed me with a Buss and his Benediction. + +"When you reach London, which is a wicked place," says he; "I prithee +get you to Highgate, and without more ado cause yourself to be sworn +upon the Horns there, never to drink Small Ale when you can get Strong, +and never to Kiss the Maid when you can Kiss the Mistress. After that, +with your Face, and your Figure, and your Foreign Travel, to say nothing +of your Amazing Impudence, and your Incorrigible habit of Lying, I think +you will do pretty well. Go thy ways, my son, and if ever you come to be +hanged, send for Parson Hodge, and he will (with the Ordinary's +permission) do everything for you in the cart that a True Blue Church +and State Man can wish. _Vale_: that is to say, get off, you vagabond," +with which in his merry way he half pushes me out of the room at the +Inn, and I dare say that he had given a sufficiently liberal +construction to Mr. Pinchin's postscript as to cheat me out of Twenty +Pound. + +And now on this worthy I must bestow a brace of Paragraphs ere I dismiss +him for good and all, premising that the knowledge of what I am about to +set down did not come upon me at this period of my History, but was +gathered up, in Odds and Ends in subsequent epochs of my career:--some +of it, indeed, many years afterwards. Parson Hodge had managed--all +losses allowed for--to feather his nest pretty well out of his +attendance on Squire Bartholomew Pinchin, and the ten or twelve pound he +doled out to me (whether the story about the draft on the Goldsmith was +a Cock and Bull one or not) must have been but a mere fleabite to him. I +heard that he went down to the Bath, and dropping his Clerical Dignity +for awhile, set up for a fashionable Physician of High Dutch extraction +that was to cure all ailments. Doctor Von Hoogius I think he called +himself; and his travelling about with my little Master had given him +just such a smattering of Tongues as to enable him to speak Broken +English with just so much of a foreign accent as to make it unlike a +Brogue or a Burr. The guineas came in pretty quickly, and I believe that +he cured several people of the Quinsy with pills made of dough, +hogslard, cinnamon, and turmeric, and that he was highly successful in +ridding ladies of fashion of the vapours by means of his Royal Arabian +Electuary, which was nothing more than white Jamaica Rum coloured pink +and with a flavouring of Almonds. The regular Practitioners, however, +grew jealous of him, and beginning to ask him impertinent questions +about his Diploma, he was fain to give up Legitimate practice, and to +pick up a dirty Living as a mere Quack, and Vendor of Pills, Potions, +Salves, Balsams, and Elixirs of Life. Then he came down in the world, +owing to a Waiting Gentlewoman whose fortune he must needs tell, and +whom, 'tis said, he cozened out of three quarters' wages; so, for fear +of being committed by the justices as a Rogue and Vagabond, he then kept +a Herb Shop for some time, with great success, until he got into trouble +about a Horse, and being clearly Tart of that crime, very wisely shifted +his quarters to the Kingdom of Ireland. I have heard that by turns he +was, in his New Sphere, a Player at the Dublin Theatre, a Drawer at a +Usquebaugh Shop in Cork, a hedge-schoolmaster among the Bogtrotters--a +wild, savage kind of People, that infest the Southern parts of that +fertile but distracted kingdom--a teacher of the Mathematics in Belfast, +and a fiddler going about to wakes and weddings in the county of Galway. +'Twas whilst pursuing this last and jovial vocation that he was +fortunate enough to run away with an Heiress of considerable Fortune. He +managed it by a sort of Rough and Ready process they call over there an +Abduction, two or three of the Wild Irishes being killed while he was +getting the young lady on the car to take her away to be married; and +she, happening to be a Ward in Chancery, he fell into Contempt, and was +committed to Newgate in the City of Dublin, where he might have lain +till his heels rotted off, but for the Favourable Renown into which he +grew by his Bold and Gallant Feat of Abduction, and which brought him +into such sympathetic notice, that interest was made with the Chancellor +to purge him of his contempt, and he was honourably Discharged therefrom +by means of escaping from Newgate at night by means of a Silver Key +agreed upon betwixt him and the Warden. By the way, he had the sagacity +at this time to conceal his being an Englishman, and passed very easily +by the name of O'Hagan. A subscription was made for him among the +Quality after his Enlargement, and he was charitably advised to push his +fortune among the Saxons in England, his good friends little suspecting +that he had already pushed his Fortune there, at different times, to a +very pretty tune. But for his unfortunate--or rather fortunate, for +him--collision with justice, he might have obtained employment as a +Tithe Proctor with some of the dignified and non-resident Established +Clergy in Ireland, who were very anxious to have able and Unscrupulous +Men to collect their Dues for 'em; but the Sister Isle being, on several +accounts, too hot for Mr. Hodge, Von Hoogius, O'Hagan, he took shipping +with a purse full of guineas, collected for him by his kind friends, for +Liverpool in Lancashire. Here he prospered indifferently for a time, now +as a Schoolmaster, now as a Quack Doctor, under his old High Dutch +alias, and now as an Agent for the crimping of children for the West +India plantations, which last traffic I have ever held, for reasons +personal, to be utterly Indefensible and Abominable. A Bill of +Indictment before the Grand Jury speedily, however, put an end to the +chaplain's dealings in flesh and blood; so he made what haste he could +to town, where squandering what means he had with him in Riot and +Unthrift, and being unluckily recognised by an old acquaintance in the +Tailoring line, he was arrested on civil process, and clapped into the +Fleet Prison. But here his ever-soaring genius took a new Flight. Those +half surreptitious and wholly scandalous Nuptials known as Fleet +Marriages, were then very rife, and the adventurer had wit enough to +discover that it was to his interest to resume his cassock and bands, +and to become the Reverend Mr. Hodge once more. Not much was wanted to +set him up in business. Canonicals were to be had cheap enough in Rag +Fair for the sending for 'em; a greasy Common Prayer Book and a +chandler's-shop ledger to serve as a Register, did not cost much; so +with these, and an inimitably Brazen face, behold our worthy equipped as +a perfect Fleet Parson. He had to maintain at first a ragged regiment of +cads and Runners to tout for him and bring him customers, but he soon +became notorious, and formed a very fine connexion. Judgements by the +score had been obtained, and Detainers lodged against him at the gate, +since his incarceration at the suit of his acquaintance, the Tailor; but +'twas not long ere he contrived, by the easy process of joining people's +hands, to gain enough to pay all the claims against him, and by +permission of the Warden of the Fleet, to set up a Chapel and Liquor +Shop within the rules of the prison. Punch, Geneva, poisonous wine, +brandy, bitters, Rum, and Tobacco, were sold below stairs, and the Order +for the Solemnization of Matrimony was performed on the first floor. It +became quite a fashionable thing to go and be married by Parson Hodge, +and at last it would be said of him, that if he extorted money from you +beforehand, he did not pick your pocket afterwards, as too many of the +Fleet Parsons in those shameful days were in the habit of doing. He +continued at this merry game for many years, being in his way quite as +popular as Orator Henley, and coining a great deal more money than that +crack-brained Fanatic--for I have always been at pains to discover +whether Henley was more Rogue or Fool--till at last his lucrative but +unholy trade was put an end to by an Act of Parliament, called for by +the righteous indignation of all peaceable and loyal subjects of the +King, who did not desire to be married in haste and to repent at +leisure. I believe that Parson Hodge retired with a comfortable fortune, +and, going down into Somersetshire, purchased a small estate there, and +died, much respected, in the odour of many pigs, and in the Commission +of the Peace. + +As for poor little Bartholomew Pinchin, his career was not nearly so +prosperous, nor his end so happy. You will learn, a little further on, +what scurvy tricks Fortune played him, and how at last his poor little +brains succumbed to the rough toasting of that graceless jade. I had +always thought him Mad, and Mad, indeed, as a March hare he proved to be +in the long run. + +And now as to Myself, for it is surely fitting that a proper young +Fellow, such as I was now, stout and vigorous, and going for nineteen +years of age, should no longer remain in the Background. First I hied me +to London by the waggon, where, after four days' journey--for it was ill +travelling in those days, between London and Dover--I arrived without +any misadventure. I was my own Master, I had Ten Pound in my pocket +(the two additional Pieces being now spent), and I did not know one +single soul in a city of eight hundred thousand inhabitants. Is it to be +wondered at, under these premises, that before I fixed upon any decided +line of life, I went, first of all, to the Deuce. It took me but a +woundily short time to reach that Goal. For ten pounds you may reckon, +we will say--if you put up at a small alehouse in the Borough--upon +about ten friends who shall be very fond of you for a couple of days. I +think, at the beginning of the third, I had just three and sixpence left +wherewith to buy a razor to cut my throat withal. "Stuff and nonsense!" +cried the last of the fleeting friends who had abided with me. "Three +and sixpence for a razor, forsooth! why, a yard of good new cord, quite +strong enough to bear your weight, can be bought in any shop in +Tooley-street for a penny. You have just three and fivepence left, +brother, to make yourself merry for the day, and, please the pigs, we +will be merry as grigs upon it until Sundown (for I took a fancy to you +the first minute I set eyes upon you), and even then there are two ways +out of the hobble, without twisting your weasand. I have a pair of +pistols, and as I love you like a brother, will share anything with you; +and we will pad the hoof betwixt this and Deptford, and see whether we +can meet any fat Kentish hop-grower on his way to the Borough Market +with more money than wit--a capital plan, any way, seeing that if you +fail, the Sheriff will hang you for nothing, and you can keep your penny +for drink, or else you can list for a soldier, as many a tall and pretty +fellow in the like straits has done before." + +I civilly declined this amicable and philosophical advice, for it had +suddenly become apparent to me that my new friend was a confirmed Rogue. +For opening of the Eyes there is nothing like having spent all your +money. I gave him a shilling, however, out of my three and sixpence, and +crossed London Bridge to see if I could find better luck on the +Middlesex side, determined, if nothing offered itself during the day, to +ask my way to the Barracks at the Savoy and list for a Soldier. I +amused myself as I walked, with the thought that chance might so bring +it about for the Sergeant who would give me the King's shilling to be +the selfsame grenadier whose sconce I had broken years agone in +Charlwood Chase with the Demijohn of Brandy. + +I had heard, as most Ignoramuses have done, I suppose, that London +Streets are paved with Gold; and I found 'em as Muddy, as Stony, and as +Hardhearted as I dare say they have been discovered by ten thousand +Ignoramuses before my time to be. I was quite dazed and stupified with +the noise and uproar of the Great City, the more perplexing to me as I +was not only a Stranger, but almost a Foreigner and Outlandish Man in +Great Britain. I could speak my own tongue well enough with Parson Hodge +and Mr. Pinchin, but when it came to be clamoured all around me by +innumerable voices, I a'most lost heart, and gave up the notion that I +was an Englishman at all. It must be confessed, that half a century +since we English were a very Blackguard People, and that London was +about the most disreputable city in all Europe. There were few public +buildings of any great note or of Majestic Proportions, save St. Paul's +Cathedral, the Monument, and the Banqueting House at Whitehall. The +Mansion House and the Bank of England were not yet built, and between +them and the Royal Exchange (the which, noble enough in itself, was girt +about, and choked up with Shops and Tenements exceeding mean and +shabby), was a nasty, rubbishing, faint-smelling place, full of +fruiterers and herbalists, called the Stocks Market. The crazy and +rotten City Gates blocked up the chief thoroughfares, and across the +bottom of Ludgate Hill yawned a marvellous foul and filthy open sewer, +rich in dead dogs and cats, called the Fleet Ditch. This street was fair +enough, and full of commodious houses and wealthy shops, but all about +Temple Bar was a vile and horrid labyrinth of lanes and alleys, the +chief and the most villanous of which was a place full of tripe shops +and low taverns, called Butcher Row, leading from the Bar down to the +Churchyard of St. Clement's Danes. The Strand was broad and fair enough +to view as far as the New Exchange; but in lieu of that magnificent +structure which Sir William Chambers, the Swedish architect, has built +for Government offices, and where the Royal Academy of Arts and the +Learned Societies have their apartments (when I first came to town there +was no Royal Academy at all, only a Mean School for painting from the +Life and drawing from Bustos in St. Martin's Lane; the Royal Society +held their sittings in a court off Fleet Street; the College of +Physicians was chock-a-block among the butchers in Warwick Lane, Newgate +Market, where it still, to the scandal of Science, remains; and +Surgeon's Hall, where malefactors were anatomised after execution--a +Sanguinary but Salutary custom--was in the Old Bailey, over against the +leads of the Sessions House)--in place, then, of what we now call +Somerset House, albeit it has lost all connexion with the proud Duke of +that name, there stood the Old Palace of the Queens of England, a +remarkable tumbledown barn of a place, hideous in its ugliness towards +the Strand, but having some stately edifices at the back, built by that +Famous Engineer, Mr. Inigo Jones. Here sometimes Queens were lodged, and +sometimes Embassadors--'twas the Venetian Envoy, I think, that had his +rooms in Somerset House when I first knew it,--and sometimes Masquerades +were given. A company of Soldiers was kept on guard in the precincts, +not so much for ornament as for use, for they had hard work every night +in the week in quelling the pottle-pot brawls and brabbling among the +Rogues, Thieves, Besognosos, Beggars, Ribbibes, Bidstands, and +Clapper-dudgeons, male and female, who infested the outskirts of the Old +Palace, or had Impudently Squatted within its very walls, and had made +of the Place a very Alsatia, now that Scamp's Paradise in Whitefriars +had been put down by Act of Parliament. Here they burrowed like so many +Grice, till the shoulder-tapping Pilchers of the Compter came a +badger-drawing with their bludgeons. 'Twas a perfect chaos of +clap-dishes, skeldering, cranion-legged Impostors, fittous cripples, and +gambling bullies, for ever roaring over Post and Pair, or Dust Point, or +throwing their Highmen, or barbing gold, or yelling profane songs and +catches. A man was killed here about every other day in some Callet and +Cockoloch squabble, and there was a broil about twice in every hour. Of +course there were Patricos here, who only wanted Fashionable +Encouragement to rival the Feet Parsons in the trade of faggot-weddings. +There were philosophers who devised schemes for paying off the National +Debt, or for making roast ribs of beef out of brickbats. Here were swept +the last pillings and frayings of the South Sea Bubble, in the shape of +divers Speculators and Directors who had absconded from their Creditors, +and were here pretty safe from arrest, for although not legally a +sanctuary, it was as chancy to cop a man here on a capias as to put +one's naked hand into a bag full of rats. + +I dined this day at a sixpenny ordinary in the New Exchange, and after +that asked my way to the Savoy, which I found to be close by. So I +walked down to the old Tower, and passed the time of day to the Sergeant +of the Guard, who was for having me empty a can of ale with him on the +spot, but I would not then, and concealed my intention, being minded to +defer the execution of it till sunset. I don't know what Vain and +Foolish Hope possessed me that something might yet turn up which might +save me from the sad necessity of listing for a soldier, to the which +vocation, mindful of my early experiences among the Blacks in Charlwood +Chase, I entertained a very sincere Abhorrence. So I wandered up and +down the Streets, asking from time to time where I was, and being (as is +usual with the People of England in their intercourse with strangers) +cursed or laughed at for a fool or a bumpkin. Half a dozen times I felt +that some rogue was trying my pocket; but I knew I had no money to be +robbed of, and kept my kerchief in my hat; only the bare endeavour made +me mad, and the next time one of my gentleman nick-skins made a dive +into my pouch, I turned round and hit him a crack over the head with a +short knobbed-stick I carried, which, I warrant, made him repent of his +Temerity. + +I had gotten into St. James's Park about four o'clock in the afternoon, +and was walking very moodily by the side of the long water trench called +Rosamond's Pond, when at once a desire seized hold of me to behold the +Tower of London. Whether in my fantastic Imagination I deemed that I +might find Tower Hill paved with gold, or pick up some Profitable +Acquaintance there, it is fruitless as this distance of time to inquire. +But I must needs see the Tower, and was as eager for a view of that +famous Fortress as though I had been the veriest holiday-making and +sight-seeing Country Cousin. I made my way into the Birdcage walk, and +so through Palace-yard down to the stairs at the foot of where they were +driving the first piles of that great structure which is now called +Westminster Bridge. Here a Waterman agreed to take me to the Tower +stairs for a shilling, which was not above thrice his legal fare, but +yokels and simpletons are common prey in this great village of London. I +observed more than once as he rowed me down stream that we were followed +by a heavy wherry, manned by stout, smart fellows in frocks of blue +duck, who kept stroke remarkably well together, and whose coxswain eyed +me very narrowly. As we were shooting one of the narrow arches of London +Bridge--(then covered with shops and houses, with barbicans, and +traitors' heads spiked upon 'em at each end, and I have heard old people +say that many a time they have fished for perch and grayling standing on +the starlings of the Bridge)--this wherry fouled our craft, and my +waterman burst into a volley of horrible ribald abuse, till he who was +coxswain among the blue-frocked gentry spake some words to him in a low +voice, at which he touched his cap, and became quite Meek and Humble. I +caught him eyeing me, quite as narrowly as the steersman of the wherry +had done, and when I asked him what ailed him, he stuck his Tongue in +his cheek and grinned audaciously. + +"Who were those rough fellows in the wherry, yonder, that fouled us?" I +asked. + +"Bluebottles," says he, with another grin. + +"What d'ye mean, fellow?" I continued. + +"Well, fresh-water fishermen, if you like," he went on, "that bait their +hooks with salt worms. Will you please pay me my fare now, Master, since +I am a Fellow forsooth, and Murphy's Murrain to you?" + +What Murphy's Murrain was--except some term of waterside sculduddrey I +did not know--but I paid the knave his shilling, whereupon he very +importunately craved another sixpence to drink my health, saying that it +might be a very long time before he saw me again. Now I happened only to +have one and fourpence left in the world, and suspecting that I had +already overpaid him, I resisted further extortion, upon which he became +more and more clamorous for money, and finding that I was as obstinate +as he, rested on his oars and declared that, burn him--with many other +execrations too unseemly to transcribe--he would not pull a stroke +further. This it seems was by no means an uncommon occurrence among the +dishonest waterside knaves of those days, and it afforded vast sport to +a mob of small craft that gathered round, and the people in which +covered me with ridicule and abuse, calling me a Thames Bilk, and +advising the waterman to hold me over the side of the boat by the scruff +of the neck and give me a Ducking. I was in a great Quandary, and knew +not what to do. + +Meanwhile the heavy wherry, which had kept close in our offing, pulled +almost on board of us, and the coxswain hailed us to know what was the +matter. + +"Here's a Holiday Tailor that would seek to stump a poor waterman of his +fare," quoth the false scoundrel who was striving to rob me. + +"'Tis a base lie!" I cried out; "I gave him a shilling at Westminster +stairs to row me to the Tower wharf." + +"Fare's only fourpence. Shame! shame!" cried one part of the people in +the small craft. + +"He's a Bilk," yelled another part of 'em. "Duck him, Goodman Crabs, +duck him." + +"Stop," cries the coxswain of the wherry, standing up. "It _is_ a shame. +The poor fellow shan't be put upon. Here, young man, step on board this, +and we'll land you at the Tower wharf for nothing; and here, waterman, +take this shilling and be d--d to you, and sheer off before you can cry +Poor John." + +The wherry by this time had got so close on our quarter that, thanking +the blue-frocked gentlemen for their politeness, I was able to step on +board the wherry without any difficulty. My thief of a waterman took the +shilling which was flung to him, and again sticking his tongue in his +cheek, and grinning in a more unblushing manner than before, pulled +away. The crowd in the small craft set up a cheer, that had more of +derision than approbation in it, and I once more heard the cry of "Blue +Bottles." + +These Blue Bottles, however, were as good as their word, for five +minutes afterwards I was landed safe and sound at the Tower wharf. I +thanked them all very heartily; but, as I had not enough money to treat +them all, made bold to confess the narrowness of my means to the +coxswain, begging that he, at least, would do me the honour to take a +mug of flip--which could be had, double allowance, for fourpence. He +clapped me, in reply, on the shoulder in the most friendly manner, and +said, roast him, that he would not see me put upon; that I was evidently +a lad of mettle and spirit, and that I should go with him to the +"Admiral Benbow," on Little Tower Hill, close by, where he would himself +stand treat for as many mugs of flip or Punch as ever I liked. + +He would take no denial to his hospitable proposal, so that I +accompanied him to the "Admiral Benbow," a snuggish little hostelry, +about which some half a score more stout fellows in blue frocks were +lounging. But these I noticed had broad leather belts round their +waists, in which were stuck pistols, and to which hung cutlasses. + +When we had made ourselves comfortable in the little back parlour of the +"Admiral Benbow" over a steaming jug and a Pipe of Tobacco, my companion +began to ask me a few questions, to which, with the ingenuous candour of +youth, I made full replies. I told him that I was a young man seeking my +fortune, but had as yet come only on very scurvy luck; that I had spent +all my money; that I had but recently come from foreign parts, and that, +in despite of finding honest employment, I had made up my mind to list +for a soldier that very night. + +"Don't do that, boy?" cried my friend the coxswain. "Curse pipeclay and +red blanketing, and the life of a swaddy. The sea, the blue glorious +sea's the place for a bold heart like you." + +I answered that I knew not enough of seamanship to take the place of an +officer, and that I considered the condition of a common sailor as too +base for one of my bringing up. + +"Ay, ay! you shall be an officer in time, my hearty," answered the +Coxswain--"Lord High Admiral, for a certainty; but you must creep +through the hawse-holes first. There's nothing like half-a-dozen cruises +before the mast for taking the conceit out of a maple-faced +hobbledehoy." + +Whether I was maple-faced or not, I did not stay to argue; but there was +something about the mahogany face of the coxswain that misliked me much. +Now that I inspected him closely I recognised in him something of that +mangonising or slave-dealing expression which is burnt in as with a +Red-hot Iron upon the countenances of all those whose trade is +kidnapping and man-stealing. So without more ado I rose to go, thanking +him for his treat, and saying that if I went to sea it should be at my +own pleasure and in my own way. + +"Stop abit," he answered, rising with me, and putting his back against +the door--"not so fast, my hearty! King George doesn't allow likely +young blades to slip through his fingers in this fashion. As you're in +such a deuce of a hurry, I think we'd better see the Midshipmite." + +I measured him with my eye, but at once gave up all thoughts of +mastering him if I attempted violence in leaving the room. He was taller +than I, broader across the chest, older, his limbs better knit, and in +every way the more powerful. He too, I saw, was taking stock of me, and +marking from my Frame and my Mien that, although young, I was likely to +prove an Ugly Customer, he outs with a pistol from under his jerkin, and +holds it to my head with one hand, while with the other he blows a smart +call upon a silver whistle suspended by a lanyard round his neck. + +In a moment the room was full of blue-frocked ruffians; a dozen pistols +were levelled at my head, a dozen cutlasses drawn menacingly against me. +Before I knew where I was I was tripped up, knocked down from behind, a +gag forced into my mouth, and a pair of handcuffs slipped on to my +wrists. + +"No offence, shipmate," said a big fellow with black whiskers, as he +knelt on my chest and screwed the manacles on so tightly that I gave a +scream of pain. "We always begin in this here way--we crimps our cod +before we cooks it. To-morrow morning, when you've had your grog, you'll +be as gentle as a lamb, and after your first cruise you'll be as ready +as ere a one of us to come cub-hunting." + +Upon this there entered the room he whom the coxswain had spoken of as +the Midshipmite, and who I rightly conjectured to be in authority over +these dare-devils. He was a young man wearing his own hair, which was +bright red. His face was all covered with pimples, and his mouth was +harelipped from a sword cut. He had canvas bags and grey ribbed hose +like a common sailor, but his hat was bound with a scrap of dirty gold +lace; he had a hanger at his side, and on his threadbare blue coat I +could see the King's button. Withal he was a very precise gentleman, and +would listen to nothing but facts. He bade his men remove the gag from +my mouth, and then addressed me. + +"The fact of the matter is," says he, "that you've been kicking up a +devil of a row, and that you'd much better have gone quietly with the +coxswain." + +"Why am I kidnapped? why have you put these footpad bracelets on me?" I +cried out, passionately. + +"The fact of the matter is that we always do it to save time and +trouble," answered the Midshipmite--"Easy and quiet is the word at the +'Admiral Benbow.'" + +"I'll have the law of you!" I exclaimed, in a rage. + +"Exactly so," quoth the Midshipmite, quite politely. "May I ask if +you're a free-man of the City of London?" + +"I am not." + +"Precisely so. Are you a waterman, duly entered at your Hall, and all +arrears paid up, or an apprentice, carrying your indentures with you?" + +"I am not, and I don't know what you mean." + +"Then the fact of the matter is," said the Midshipmite, with a chuckle, +"that we've got the law of _you_. The King, God bless him, wants stout +and gallant hearts to man his fleet, and you're about the likeliest +young fellow I've seen this week; so the best thing you can do is to go +willingly on board the Tower Tender, of which I have the honour to be +second in command. If you won't, the fact of the matter is that we must +make you." + +"But why should I go with you?" I urged. + +"The fact of the matter is that you're Pressed," coolly answered the +Midshipmite, or midshipman, "and if you want to see the warrant, you may +ask Davy Jones for it, who keeps it under three seals in his locker to +prevent accidents." + +Between listing for a soldier and being pressed for a sailor there was +not, I take it, much difference. Either way, the chance of a livelihood +offered itself. But I did not like this violent way of doing things, and +I told the midshipman so. He merely ordered his blue-frocks to take me +away. Then I attempted to burst my bonds, and bit, kicked, and +struggled, so that it took half-a-dozen men to drag me to the door. + +"The fact of the matter is," remarked the midshipman, filling himself a +glass of punch, "that there's always this hullabaloo at the first going +off, and that you'd better give him One for peace and quietness." + +Somebody immediately followed the officer's advice, and gave me One with +the butt end of a pistol, which nearly clove my skull in twain, and +certainly made me peaceable and quietness, for it stunned me. + + + + +CHAPTER THE EIGHTH. + + JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF KING GEORGE. + + +IT now becomes expedient for me to pass over no less than Fifteen Years +of my momentous Career. I am led to do this for divers cogent Reasons, +two of which I will forthwith lay before my Reader. For the first, let +me urge a Decent Prudence. It is not, Goodness knows, that I have any +thing to be ashamed of which should hinder me from giving a Full, True, +and Particular Account of all the Adventures that befell me in these +same fifteen Years, with the same Minute Particularity which I bestowed +upon my Unhappy Childhood, my varied Youth, and stormy Adolescence. I +did dwell, perhaps, with a fonder circumspection and more scrupulous +niceness upon those early days, inasmuch as the things we have first +known and suffered are always more vividly presented to our mind when we +strive to recall 'em, sitting as old men in the ingle-nook, than are the +events of complete manhood. Yet do I assure those who have been at the +pains to scan the chapters that have gone before, that it would be easy +for me to sit down with the Fidelity of a Ledger-Keeper all the things +that happened unto me from my eighteenth year, when I last bade them +leave, and the year 1747, when I had come to be three-and-thirty years +of age. I remember all: the Ups and Downs; the Crosses and the Runs of +Luck; the Fortunes and Misfortunes; the Good and the Bad Feasts I sat me +down to, during an ever-changing and Troublous Period. But, as I have +said, I have been moved thus to skip over a vast tract of time through +Prudence. There may have been certain items in my life upon which, now +that I am respectable and prosperous, I no more care to think of. There +may be whole pages, close-written and full of Stirring Matter, which I +have chosen to cancel; there may be occurrences treated of which it is +best, at this time of Day, to draw a Veil over. Finally, there may be +Great Personages still Living who would have just cause to be Offended +were I to tell all I know. The dead belong to all the World, and their +Bones are oft-times Dug up and made use of by those who in the Flesh +knew them not; but Famous Persons live to a very Great Age, and it is +sometimes scandalous to recount what adventures one has had with 'em in +the days of their hot and rash Youth. Had I permission to publish all I +am acquainted with, the very Hair upon your Head might stand up in +Amazement at some of the Matters I could relate:--how Mean and Base the +Great and Powerful might become; how utterly Despisable some of the most +Superb and Arrogant Creatures of this our Commonwealth might appear. But +I am prudent and Hold my Tongue. + +Again, and for the Second Reason, I am led to pass over these fifteen +years through a feeling that is akin to Mercy and Forbearance towards my +Reader. For I well know how desperately given is John Dangerous to a +wordy Garrulity--how prone he is to make much of little things, and to +elevate to the dignity of Important and Commanding Events that which is +perchance only of the very slightest moment. By Prosing and Amplifying, +by Moralizing and Digressing, by spinning of yarns and wearing of +reflections threadbare, I might make a Great Book out of the pettiest +and most uneventful career; but even in honestly transcribing my actual +adventures, one by one,--the things I have done, and the Men and Women I +have known,--I should imperceptibly swell a Narrative, which was at +first meant to attain no great volume, to most deplorable dimensions. +And the World will no longer tolerate Huge Chronicles in Folio, whether +they relate to History, to Love or Adventure, to Voyages and Travels, or +even to Philosophy, Mechanics, or the Useful Arts. The world wants +smart, dandy little volumes, as thin as a Herring, and just as Salt. For +these two reasons, then, do I nerve myself to a sudden leap, and entreat +you now to think no longer of John Dangerous as a raw youth of eighteen +summers, but as a sturdy, well-set man of thirty-three. + +Yet, lest mine Enemies and other vile Rascal Fellows that go about the +town taking away the characters of honest people for mere Envy and +Spitefulness' sake, lest these petty curmudgeons should, in their own +sly saucy manner, Mop and Mow, and Grin and Whisper, that If I am silent +as to Fifteen Years of my Sayings and Doings, I have good cause for +holding my peace,--lest these scurril Slanderers should insinuate that +during this time I lay in divers Gaols for offences which I dare not +avow, that I was concerned in Desperate and Unlawful Enterprises which +brought upon me many Indictments in the King's Courts, or that I was +ever Pilloried, or held to Bail for contemptible misdemeanours,--I do +here declare and affirm that for the whole of the time I so pass over I +earned my bread in a perfectly Honest, Legal, and Honourable Manner, and +that I never once went out of the limits of the United Kingdom. I have +heard, indeed, a Ridiculous Tale setting forth that, finding myself +Destitute in London after the Chaplain, Mr Pinchin, and I had parted +company, and after escaping from the Pressgang, I enlisted in the Foot +Guards. The preposterous Fable goes on to say that quickly mastering my +Drill, and being a favourite with my officers, whom I much pleased with +my Alacrity and Intelligence, although they were much given to laugh at +my assumptions of superior Birth, and nicknamed me "Gentleman Jack,"--I +was promoted to the rank of Corporal, and might have aspired to the +dignity of a Sergeant's Halbert, but that in a Mad Frolic one night I +betook myself to the road as a Footpad, and robbed a Gentleman, coming +from the King's Arms, Kensington, towards the Weigh House at +Knightsbridge, of fourteen spade guineas, a gold watch, and a +bottle-screw. And that being taken by the Hue and Cry, and had before +Justice de Veil then sitting at the Sun Tavern in Bow Street, I should +have been committed to Newgate, tried, and most likely have swung for +the robbery, but for the strong intercession of my Captain, who was a +friend of the Gentleman robbed. That I was indeed enlarged, but was not +suffered to go scot-free, inasmuch as, being tried by court-martial for +absence without leave on the night of the gentleman's misfortune, I was +sentenced to receive three hundred lashes at the halberts. Infamous and +Absurd calumnies! + +Behold me, then, in the beginning of the year 1747 in the Service of his +Sacred Majesty King George the Second. Behold me, further, installed in +no common Barrack, mean Guard-house, or paltry Garrison Town, but in one +of the most famous of his Majesty's Royal Fortresses:--a place that had +been at once and for centuries (ever since the days of Julius Caesar, as +I am told) a Palace, a Citadel, and a Prison. In good sooth, I was one +of the King's Warders, and the place where I was stationed was the +Ancient and Honourable Tower of London. + +Whether I had ever worn the King's uniform before, either in scarlet as +a Soldier in his armies, or of blue and tarpaulin as a Sailor in his +Fleets, or of brown as a Riding Officer in his customs,--under which +guise a man may often have doughty encounters with smugglers that are +trying to run their contraband cargoes, or to hide their goods in +farmers' houses,--or of green, as a Keeper in one of the Royal +Chases,--I absolutely refuse to say. Here I am, or rather here I was, a +Warder and in the Tower. + +I was bravely accoutred. A doublet of crimson cloth, with the crown, the +Royal Cipher G. R., and a wreath of laurel embroidered in gold, both on +its back and front; a linen ruff, well plaited, round my neck, sleeves +puffed with black velvet, trunk-hose of scarlet, rosettes in my slashed +shoes, and a flat hat with a border of the red and white roses of York +and Lancaster in satin ribbon,--these made up my costume. There were +forty of us in the Tower, mounting guard with drawn swords at the +portcullis gate and at the entrances to the lodgings of such as were in +hold, and otherwise attending upon unfortunate noblemen and gentlemen +who were in trouble. On state occasions, when taking prisoners by water +from the Tower to Westminster, and in preceding the Lieutenant to the +outward port, we carried Halberts or Partisans with tassels of gold and +crimson thread. But although our dress was identical, as you may see +from the prints, with that of the Beef-Eaters, we Tower Warders were of +a very different kidney to the lazy hangers-on about St. James's. Those +fellows were Anybodies, Parasites of Back-Stairs favourites, and spies +and lacqueys, transformed serving-men, butlers past drawing corks, +grooms and porters, even. They had nothing to do but loiter about the +antechambers and staircases of St. James's, to walk by the side of his +Majesty's coach when he went to the Houses of Parliament, or to fight +with the Marshalmen at Royal Funerals for petty spoils of wax-candles or +shreds of black hangings. The knaves actually wore wigs, and powdered +them, as though they had been so many danglers on the Mall. They passed +their time, when not in requisition about the Court, smoking and +card-playing in the taverns and mug-houses about Scotland Yard and +Spring Gardens. They had the run of a few servant-wenches belonging to +great people, but we did not envy them their sweethearts. Some of them, +I verily believe, were sunk so low as, when they were not masquerading +at court, to become tavern-drawers, or ushers and cryers in the courts +of law about Westminster. A very mean people were these Beef-eaters, and +they toiled not, neither did they spin, for the collops they ate. + +But we brave boys of the Tower earned both our Beef and our Bread, and +the abundant Beer and Strong Waters with which we washed our victuals +down. We were military men, almost all. Some of us had fought at +Blenheim or Ramilies--these were the veterans: the very juniors had made +the French Maison du Roy scamper, or else crossed bayonets with the +Irish Brigade (a brave body of men, but deplorably criminal in carrying +arms against a Gracious and Clement Prince) in some of those well-fought +German Fields, in which His Royal Highness the Duke and my Lord George +Sackville (since Germaine, and my very good friend and Patron) covered +themselves with immortal glory. Nay some of us, One of us at least, had +fought and bled, to the amazement of his comrades and the admiration of +his commanders,--never mind where. 'Tis not the luck of every soldier to +have had his hand wrung by the Great Duke of Cumberland, or to have been +presented with ten guineas to drink his health withal by Field-Marshal +Wade. We would have thought it vile poltroonery and macaronism to have +worn wigs--to say nothing of powder--unless, indeed, the peruke was a +true Malplaquet club or Dettingen scratch. + +Our duties were no trifling ones, let me assure you. The Tower, as a +place of military strength, was well looked after by the Regiment of +Foot Guards and the Companies of Artillery that did garrison duties on +its ramparts and the foot of its drawbridges; but to us was confided a +charge much more onerous, and the custody of things much more precious. +We had other matters to mind besides seeing that stray dogs did not +venture on to the Tower Green, that dust did not get into the cannon's +mouths, or that Grand Rounds received proper salutes. Was not the +Imperial Crown of England in our keeping? Had we not to look after the +Royal diadem, the orb, the sceptre, the Swords of Justice and of Mercy, +and the great parcel-gilt Salt Cellar that is moulded in the likeness of +the White Tower itself? Did it not behove us to keep up a constant care +and watchfulness, lest among the curious strangers and country cousins +who trudged to the Jewel House to see all that glittering and golden +finery, and who gave us shillings to exhibit them, there might be +lurking some Rogue as dishonest and as desperate as that Colonel Blood +who so nearly succeeded in getting away with the crown and other +valuables in King Charles the Second's time. Oh! I warrant you that we +kept sharp eyes on the curious strangers and the country cousins, and +allowed them not to go too near the grate behind which were those +priceless baubles. + +But another charge had we, I trow. Of all times had this famous fortress +of the Tower of London been a place of hold for the King's prisoners. +Felons, nor cutpurses, nor wantons suffered we indeed in our precincts, +nor gave we the hospitality of dungeons to; but of state prisoners, +noblemen and gentlemen in durance for High Treason, or for other +offences against the Royal State and Prerogative, had we always a +plentiful store. Some of the greatest Barons--the proudest names in +England--have pined their lives away within the Tower's inexorable +walls. Walls! why there were little dungeons and casemates built in the +very thickness of those huge mural stones. In ancient days I have heard +that foul deeds were common in the fortress--that princes were done to +Death here--notably the two poor Royal infants that the wicked Richard +of Gloucester bid his hell-hounds smother and bury at the foot of the +stairs in that building which has ever since gone by the name of the +Bloody Tower. So, too, I am afraid it is a true bill that Torture was in +the bad old days indiscriminately used towards both gentle and simple in +some gloomy underground places in this said Tower. I have heard of a +Sworn Tormentor and his assistants, whose fiendish task it was to +torture poor creatures' souls out of their miserable bodies, and of a +Chirurgeon who had to watch lest the agonies used upon 'em should be +too much for human endurance, and so, putting 'em out of their misery, +rob the headsman of his due, the scaffold of its prey, and the vile +mobile that congregate at public executions of their raree show. Of +"Scavenger's Daughters," Backs, Thumbscrews, iron boots, and wedges, and +other horrible engines of pain, I have heard many dismal tales told; but +all had long fallen into disuse before my time. The last persons +tortured within the Tower walls were, I believe, Colonel Faux (Guido) +and his confederates, for their most abominable Gunpowder Plot, which +was to put an end to the Protestant Religion and the illustrious House +of Stuart at one fell blow; but happily came to nothing, through the +prudence of my Lord Monteagle, and the well-nigh superhuman sagacity of +his Majesty King James the First. Guy and his accomplices they tortured +horribly; and did not even give 'em the honour of being beheaded on +Tower Hall,--they being sent away as common traitors to Old Palace Yard +(close to the scene of their desperately meditated but fortunately +abortive crime), and there half-hanged, cut down while yet warm, +disembowelled, their Hearts and Inwards taken out and burnt by Gregory +(that was hangman then, and that, as Gregory Brandon, had a coat-of-arms +given him as a gentleman, through a fraud practised upon Garter King), +and their mangled bodies--their heads severed--cut into quarters, well +coated with pitch, and stuck upon spikes over London Bridge, east +Portcullis, Ludgate, Temple Bar, and other places of public resort, +according to the then bloody-minded custom, and the statute in that case +made and provided. But after Colonel Guido Faux, Back, Thumbscrews, +boots, and wedges, and Scavenger's daughters fell into a decline, from +which, thank God, they have never, in this fair realm of England, +recovered. I question even if the Jesuit Garnett and his fellows, albeit +most barbarously executed, were tortured in prison; but it is certain +that when Felton killed the Duke of Bucks at Portsmouth, and was taken +red-handed, the Courtiers, Parasites, and other cruel persons that were +about the King, would fain have had him racked; but the public,--which +by this time had begun to inquire pretty sharply about Things of +State,--cried out that Felton should not be tormented (their not loving +the Duke of Bucks too much may have been one reason for their wishing +some degree of leniency to be shown to the assassin), and the opinion of +the Judges being taken, those learned Persons, in full court of King's +Bench assembled, decided that Torture was contrary to the Law of +England, and could not legally be used upon any of the King's subjects +howsoever guilty he might have been. + +But I confess that when I first took up service as a Tower Warder, and +gazed upon those horrible implements of Man's cruelty and +hard-heartedness collected in the Armoury, I imagined with dismay that, +all rusty as they had grown, there might be occasions for them to be +used upon the persons of unfortunate captives. For I had lived much +abroad, and knew what devilish freaks were often indulged in by +arbitrary and unrestrained power. But my comrades soon put my mind at +ease, and pointed out to me that few, very few, of these instruments of +Anguish were of English use or origin at all; but that the great +majority of these wicked things were from among the spoils of the Great +Armada, when the proud Spaniards, designing to invade this free and +happy country with their monstrous Flotilla of Caravels and Galleons, +provided numerous tools of Torture for despitefully using the Heretics +(as they called them) who would not obey the unrighteous mandates of a +foreign despot, or submit to the domination (usurped) of the Bishop of +Rome. And so tender indeed of the bodies of the King's prisoners had the +Tower authorities become, that the underground dungeons were now never +used, commodious apartments being provided for the noblemen and +gentlemen in hold: and a pretty penny they had to pay for their +accommodation; five guineas a day, besides warder and gentlemen gaolers' +fees, being the ordinary charge for a nobleman, and half that sum for a +knight and private esquire. Besides this, the Lieutenant of the Tower +had a gratuity of thirty pounds from every peer that came into his +custody, and twenty pounds for every gentleman writing himself +_Armiger_, and in default could seize upon their cloaks: whence arose a +merry saying--"best go to the Tower like a peeled carrot than come forth +like one." + +There were even no chains used in this state prison; of fetters and +manacles we had indeed a plenitude, all of an antique pattern and +covered with rust; but no irons such as are put upon their prisoners by +vulgar gaolers in Newgate and elsewhere. I have heard say, that when +poor Counsellor Layer, that was afterwards hanged, drawn, and quartered +as a Jacobite, and his head stuck atop of Temple Bar hard by his own +chambers,--was first brought for safer custody to the Tower, breakings +out of Newgate having been common, the Government sent down word that, +as a deep-dyed conspirator and desperate rebel, he was to be +double-ironed. Upon this Mr. Lieutenant flies into a mighty heat, and +taking boat to Whitehall, waits on Mr. Secretary at the Cockpit, and +tells him plainly that such an indignity towards his Majesty's prisoners +in the Tower was never heard of, that no such base modes of coercion as +chains or bilboes had ever been known in use since the reign of King +Charles I., and that the King's warders were there to see that the +prisoners did not attempt Evasion. To which Mr. Secretary answered, with +a grim smile, that notwithstanding all the keenness of the watch and +ward, he had often heard of prisoners escaping from durance in the +Tower, notably mentioning the case of my Lord Nithesdale, who escaped in +his lady's clothes, and without more ado informed the Lieutenant that +Counsellor Layer must be chained as directed, even if the chains had to +be forged expressly for him. Upon which Mr. Lieutenant took a very surly +leave of the Great Man, cursing him as he comes down the steps for a +Thief-catcher and Tyburn purveyor, and sped him to Newgate, where he +borrowed a set of double-irons from the Peachum or Lockit, or whatever +the fellow's name it was that kept that Den of Thieves. And even then, +when they had gotten the chains to the Tower, none of the warders knew +how to put them on, or cared to sully their fingers with such hangman's +work; and so they were fain to have a blacksmith with his anvil, and a +couple of turnkeys down from Newgate, to rivet the chains upon the poor +gentleman's limbs; he being at the time half dead of a Strangury; but so +cruel was justice in those days. + +When I first came to the Tower, we had but few prisoners; for it was +before the Great Rebellion of the 'Forty-five; and for a few years +previous the times had been after a manner quiet. Now and then some +notorious Jacobite, Seminarist, or seditious person was taken up; but he +was rarely of sufficient importance to be confined in our illustrious +Prison; and was either had to Newgate, or else incarcerated in the +lodgings of a King's Messenger till his examinations were over, and he +was either committed or Enlarged. These Messengers kept, in those days, +a kind of Sponging Houses for High Treason, where Gentlemen Traitors who +were not in very great peril lived, as it were, at an ordinary, and paid +much dearer for their meat and lodging than though they had been at some +bailiffs lock-up in Cursitor Street, or Tooke's Court, or at the Pied +Bull in the Borough. We had, it is true, for a long time a Romanist +Bishop that was suspected of being in correspondence with St. Germain's, +and lay for a long time under detention. He was a merry old soul, and +most learned man; would dine very gaily with Mr. Lieutenant, or his +deputy, or the Fort Major, swig his bottle of claret, and play a game +of tric-trac afterwards; and it was something laughable to watch the +quiet cunning way in which he would seek to Convert us Warders who had +the guarding of him to the Romanist faith. They let him out at last upon +something they called a _Nolle prosequi_ of the Attorney-General, or +some suchlike dignitary of the law--which _nolle prosequi_ I take to be +a kind of _habeas corpus_ for gentlefolks. He was as liberal to us when +he departed as his means would allow; for I believe that save his +cassock, his breviary, a gold cross round his neck, and episcopal ring, +and a portmantel full of linen, the old gentleman had neither goods nor +chattels in the wide world: indeed, we heard that the Lieutenant lent +him, on leaving, a score of gold pieces, for friendship-sake, to +distribute among us. But he went away--to foreign parts, I infer--with +flying colours; for every body loved the old Bishop, all Romanist and +suspected Jacobite as he was. + +Then came that dreadful era of rebellion of which I have spoken, and we +Tower Warders found that our holiday time was over. Whilst the war still +raged in Scotland, scarcely a day passed without some person of +consequence being brought either by water to Traitor's Gate, or by a +strong escort of Horse and Foot to the Tower Postern; not for active +participation in the Rebellion, but as a measure of safety, and to +prevent worse harm being done. And many persons of consequence, trust +me, saved their heads by being laid by the heels for a little time while +the hue and cry was afoot, and Habeas Corpus suspended. Fast bind, safe +find, is a true proverb; and you may thank your stars, even if your +enemies have for a time bound you with chains and with links of iron, +if, when the stormy season has gone past, you find your head still safe +on your shoulders. Now it was a great Lord who was brought to the Tower, +and from whom Mr. Lieutenant did not forget to claim his thirty-pound +fee on entrance; for "here to-day, gone to-morrow," he reasoned, and so +shot his game as soon as he had good parview of the same. Now it was +some Cheshire or Lancashire Squire, snatched away from his Inn, at the +Hercules' Pillars, or the Catherine Wheel in the Borough, as being +vehemently suspected of Jacobitism. These gentlemen mostly took their +captivity in a very cheerful and philosophical manner. They would call +for a round of spiced beef, a tankard of ale, and a pipe of tobacco, so +soon as ever they were fairly bestowed in their lodgings; drank to the +King--taking care not to let us know whether his name began with a G or +a J, with many jovial ha-has, and were as happy as the day was long, so +it seemed to us, if they had but a pack of cards and a volume of the +Gentleman's Recreation, or Academy of Field Sports. What bowls of punch, +too, they would imbibe o' nights, and what mad carouses they would have! +Such roaring Squires as these would have been much better bestowed in +the Messengers' Houses; but these were all full, likewise the common +gaols; nay, the debtors' prisons and vile sponging-houses were taken up +by Government for the temporary incarceration of suspected persons. + +How well do I remember the dreadful amazement and consternation which +broke over this city when the news came that the Prince--I mean the +Pretender--had utterly routed the King's troops commanded by Sir John +Cope at Prestonpans; that the Misguided Young Man had entered +Edinborough at the head of a furious mob of Highlandmen, whose +preposterous style of dress I never could abide, and who in those days +we Southrons held as being very little better than painted Savages; that +the ladies of the Scottish capital had all mounted the white cockade, +and were embroidering scarves for the Pretender and his officers, and +that the Castle of Edinborough alone held out 'gainst this monstrous +uprising to destroy authority! But how much greater was the Dismay in +London when we learnt that the Rebels, not satisfied with their +conquests in his Majesty's Scottish Dominions, had been so venturous as +to invade England itself, and had actually advanced so far as the +trading town of Derby! Then did those who had been long, albeit +obscurely, suspected of Jacobitism, come forth from their lurking holes +and corners, and almost openly avow their preference for the House of +Stuart. Then did very many respectable persons, formerly thought to be +excellently well affected towards King George's person and Government, +become waverers, or prove themselves the Turncoats they had always, in +secret, been, and seditiously prophesy that the days of the Hanoverian +dynasty were numbered. Then did spies and traitors abound, together with +numbers of alarming rumours, that the Chevalier had advanced as far as +Barnet on the Great North Road; that his Majesty was about to convey +himself away to Hanover; that the Duke of Cumberland was dead; that +barrels of gunpowder had been discovered in the Crypt beneath +Guildhall, and in the vaults of the Chapel Royal; that mutiny was rife +among the troops; that the Bank of England was about to break, with +sundry other distracting reports and noises. + +Of course authority did all it could to reassure the public mind, tossed +in a most tempestuous manner as it was by conflicting accounts. +Authority bestirred itself to put down seditious meetings by +proclamation, and to interdict residence in the capital to all known +Papists; whereby several most estimable Catholic gentlemen (as many +there be of that old Faith) were forced to leave their Town Houses, and +betake themselves to mean and inconvenient dwellings in the country. The +gates of Temple Bar were now shut, on sudden alarms, two or three times +a week; as though the closing of these rotten portals could in any way +impede the progress of rebellion, or do any thing more than further to +hamper the already choked-up progress of the streets. The Lord Mayor was +mighty busy calling out the Train-bands, and having them drilled in +Moorfields, for the defence of the City; and a mighty fine show those +citizen soldiers would have made no doubt to the bare-legged +Highlandmen, had they come that way. The Guards at all the posts at the +Court end of the town were doubled, and we at the Tower put ourselves +into a perfect state of defence. Cannon were run out; matches kept +lighted; whole battalions maintained under arms; munitions and +provisions of war laid in, as though to withstand a regular siege; +drawbridges pulled up and portcullises lowered, with great clanking of +chains and gnashing of old iron teeth;--and rich sport it was to see +those old rust-eaten engines once more brought into gear again. + +But, as the Wise Man saith that a soft answer turneth away wrath, so do +we often find that a merry word spoken in season will do more than all +your Flaming Ordinances, and Terrific Denunciations of Fire and Sword. +And although at this time (beginning of the year 1746) authority very +properly exerted itself to procure obedience to the constitution, by +instilling Awe into men's minds, and did breathe nothing in its official +documents but heading, hanging, and quartering, with threats of +bombardments, free quarters, drum-head courts-martial, chains, gags, +fines, imprisonment, and sequestration,--yet I question whether so much +good was done by these towards the stability of the cause of the +Protestant Religion and King George, or so much harm to that of the +Pretender, Popery, brass money, and wooden shoes, as by a little series +of Pamphlets put forth by the witty Mr. Henry Fielding, a writer of +plays and novels then much in vogue; but a sad loose fish, although he +afterwards, as I am told, did good service to the State as one of the +justices of peace for Middlesex, and helped to put down many notorious +gangs of murderers, highwaymen, and footpads infesting the metropolis. +This Mr. Fielding--whom his intimates used to call Harry, and whom I +have often seen lounging in the Temple Gardens, or about the +gaming-houses in St. James's Street, and whom I have often met, I grieve +to say, in the very worst of company under the Piazzas in Covent Garden +much overtaken in liquor, and his fine Lace clothes and curled periwig +all besmirched and bewrayed after a carouse--took up the Hanoverian +cause very hotly,--having perhaps weighty reasons for so doing--and, +making the very best use of his natural gifts and natural weapons, +namely, a very strong and caustic humour, with most keen and trenchant +satire, did infinite harm to the Pretender's side by laughing at him and +his adherents. He published, probably at the charges of authority,--for +he was a needy gentleman, always in love, in liquor, or in debt,--a +paper called the _True Patriot_, in which the Jacobites were most +mercilessly treated. Notably do I recall a sort of sham diary or +almanack, purporting to be written by an honest tradesman of the City +during the predicted triumph of the Pretender, and in which such +occurrences were noted down as London being at the mercy of Highlanders +and Friars; Walbrook church and many others being razed to the ground; +Father O'Blaze, a Dominican, exulting over it; Queen Anne's statue at +Paul's taken away, and a large Crucifix erected in its place; the Bank, +South-Sea, India Houses, &c. converted into convents; Father Macdagger, +the Royal confessor, preaching at St. James's; three Anabaptists hung at +Tyburn, attended by their ordinary, Mr. Machenly (a grotesque name for +the ranting fellow who was wont to be known as Orator Henley); Father +Poignardini, an Italian Jesuit, made Privy-Seal; four Heretics burnt in +Smithfield; the French Ambassador made a Duke, with precedence; Cape +Breton given back to the French, with Gibraltar and Port Mahon to the +Spaniards; the Pope's nuncio entering London, and the Lord Mayor and +Aldermen kissing his feet; an office opened in Drury Lane for the sale +of papistical Pardons and Indulgences; with the like prophecies +calculated to arouse the bigotry of the lower and middle orders, and to +lash them into a religious as well as a political frenzy. For a cry of +"No Popery" has ever acted upon a true-born Englishman as a red rag +does on a bull. Perhaps the thing that went best down of all Mr. +Fielding's drolleries, and tickled the taste of the town most amazingly, +was the passage where he made his honest London tradesman enter in his +diary to this effect: "My little boy Jacky taken ill of the itch. He had +been on the parade with his godfather the day before to see the Life +Guards, and had just touched one of their plaids." One of the King's +Ministers said long afterwards that this passage touching the itch was +worth two regiments of horse to the cause of Government. At this +distance of time one doesn't see much wit in a scurrilous lampoon, of +which the gist was to taunt one's neighbours with being afflicted with a +disease of the skin: and, indeed, the lower ranks of English were, in +those days, anything but free from similar ailments, and, in London at +least, were in their persons and manners inconceivably filthy. But 'tis +astonishing what a mark you can make with a coarse jest, if you only go +far enough, and forswear justice and decency. + +Strange but true is it to remark that, in the midst of all such +tremendous convulsions as wars, battles, sieges, rebellions, and other +martial conflagrations, men and women and children do eat and drink, and +love and marry, and beget other babes of humanity, and at last Die and +turn to dust, precisely as though the world--or rather the concerns of +that gross Orb--were all going on in their ordinary jog-trot manner. +Although from day to day we people in London knew not whether before the +sun set the dreaded pibroch of the Highland Clans might not be heard at +Charing Cross, and the barbarian rout of Caterans that formed the +Prince,--I mean the Chevalier,--I mean the Pretender's Army, scattered +all about the City, plundering our Chattels, and ravaging our fair +English homes; although, for aught men knew, another month, nay another +week, might see King George the Second toppled from his Throne, and King +James the Third installed, with his Royal Highness Charles Edward +Prince of Wales as Regent; although it was but a toss-up whether the +Archbishop of Canterbury should not be ousted from Lambeth by a Popish +Prelate, and the whole country reduced to Slavery and Bankruptcy;--yet +to those who lived quiet lives, and kept civil tongues in their heads, +all things went on pretty much as usual: and each day had its evil, and +sufficient for the day was the evil thereof. That the Highlandmen were +at Derby did not prevent the Hostess of the Stone Kitchen--that famous +Tavern in the Tower--from bringing in one's reckoning and insisting on +payment. That there was consternation at St. James's, with the King +meditating flight and the Royal Family in tears and swooning, did not +save the little schoolboy a whipping if he knew not his lesson at +morning call. It will be so, I suppose, until the end of the world. We +must needs eat and drink, and feel heat and cold, and marry or be given +in marriage, whatsoever party prevail, and whatsoever King carries crown +and sceptre; and however dreadful the crisis, we must have our Dinners, +and fleas will bite us, and corns pinch our Feet. So while all the +Public were talking about the Rebellion, all the world went nevertheless +to the Playhouses, where they played loyal Pieces and sang "God save +great George our King" every night; as also to Balls, Ridottos, Clubs, +Masquerades, Drums, Routs, Concerts, and Pharaoh parties. They read +Novels and flirted their fans, and powdered and patched themselves, and +distended their coats with hoops, just as though there were no such +persons in the world as the Duke of Cumberland and Charles Edward +Stuart. And in like manner we Warders in the Tower, though ready for any +martial emergency that might turn up, were by no means unnecessarily +afeard or distraught with anxiety; but ate and drank our fill, joked the +pretty girls who came to see the shows in the Tower, and trailed our +halberts in our usual jovial devil-me-care manner, as true Cavaliers, +Warders in the service of his Majesty the King, should do. + +By and by came the news of Stirling and Falkirk, after the disastrous +retreat of the Highlandmen back into England. And then happened that +short but tremendous fight of Drummossie Moor, commonly called the +Battle of Culloden, where claymores and Lochaber axes clashed and +glinted for the last time against English broadswords and bayonets. +After this was what was called the pacification of the Highlands, +meaning that the Duke and his dragoons devastated all before them with +fire and sword; and then "retributive justice" had its turn, and the +work of the Tower Warders began in earnest. + +Poor creatures! theirs was a hard fate. At Carlisle, at Manchester, at +Tyburn, and at Kennington Common, London, how many unhappy persons +suffered death in its most frightful form, to say nothing of the +unspeakable ignominy of being dragged on a hurdle to the place of +execution, and mangled in the most horrible manner by the Hangman's +butcherly knife, merely because they held that King James, and not King +George, was the rightful sovereign of these realms! Is there in all +History--at least insomuch as it touches our sentiments and feelings--a +more lamentable and pathetic narration than the story of Jemmy Dawson? +This young man, Mr. James Dawson by name,--for by the endearing +aggravative of Jemmy he is only known in Mr. William Shenstone's +charming ballad (the gentleman that lived at the Leasowes, and writ the +Schoolmistress, among other pleasing pieces, and spent so much money +upon Ornamental Gardening),--this Mr. James Dawson, I say, was the son +of highly reputable parents, dwelling, by some, 'tis said, in the county +of Lancashire, by others, in the county of Middlesex. At all events, his +father was a Gentleman of good estate, who strove hard to bring up his +son in the ways of piety and virtue. But the youth was wild and froward, +and would not listen to the sage Counsels that were continually given +him. After the ordinary grammar-school education, during which course he +much angered his teachers,--less by his reckless and disobedient conduct +than by his perverse flinging away of his opportunities, and manifest +ignoring of the parts with which he had been gifted by Heaven,--he was +sent to the University of Oxford to complete the curriculum of studies +necessary to make him a complete gentleman. And I have heard, indeed, +that he was singularly endowed with the properties requisite for the +making of that very rare animal:--that he was quick, ready, generous, +warm-hearted, skilful, and accomplished,--that he rode, and drove, and +shot, and fenced, and swam, and fished in that marvellously finished +manner only possible to those who seem to have been destined by a +capricious Fate to do so well that which they have never learned to do. +And at college, who but Jemmy Dawson--who but he? For a wicked prank, or +a mad carouse; for a trick to be played on a proctor, or a kiss to be +taken by stealth,--who such a Master of Arts as our young Undergraduate? +But at his lectures and chapels and repetitions he was (although always +with a vast natural capacity) an inveterate Idler; and he did besides so +continually violate and outrage the college rules and discipline, that +his Superiors, after repeated admonitions, gatings, impositions, and +rustications (which are a kind of temporary banishment), were at last +fain solemnly to expel him from the University. Upon which his father +discarded him from his house, vowing that he would leave his broad acres +(which were not entailed) to his Nephew, and bidding him go to the +Devil; whither he accordingly proceeded, but by a very leisurely and +circuitous route. But the young Rogue had already made a more perilous +journey than this, for he had fallen in Love with a young Madam of +exceeding Beauty, and of large Fortune in her own right, the daughter of +a neighbouring Baronet. And she, to her sorrow, poor soul, became as +desperately enamoured of this young Scapegrace, and would have run away +with him, I have no doubt, had he asked her, but for a spark of honour +which still remained in that reckless Heart, and forbade his linking the +young girl, all good and pure as she was, to so desperate a life as his. +And so he went wandering for a time up and down the country, swaggering +with his boon companions, and pawning his Father's credit in whatsoever +inns and pothouses he came unto, until, in the beginning of that fatal +year '46, he must needs find himself at Manchester without a Shilling in +his pocket, or the means of raising one. It was then the time that the +town of Manchester had been captured, in the Pretender's interest, by a +Scots Sergeant and a Wench; and the notorious Colonel Towneley was about +raising the Manchester Regiment of Lancashire Lads to fight for Prince +Charlie. Desperate Jemmy Dawson enlisted under Towneley; and soon, being +a young fellow of good figure and shining talents, was made a Captain. +But the ill-fated Manchester Regiment was ere long broken up; and Jemmy +Dawson, with Colonel Towneley himself, and many other of the officers, +were captured. They were all tried at the Assizes held after the Assizes +at St. Margaret's Hill, Southwark; and James Dawson, being convicted of +high treason, was sentenced to the usual horrible punishment for that +offence. He was drawn on a hurdle to Kennington Common; he was hanged, +disembowelled, and quartered; but the young Madam of whom I have spoken +was true to him unto the last. For many days following the sentence she +vainly solicited his pardon; but finding all useless, she on the fatal +morning (having trimmed a shroud for him overnight, in which, poor Soul, +his mangled remains were not to rest) followed him in a Mourning Coach +to Kennington Common. She saw the Dreadful Tragedy played out to its +very last Act; and then she just turned on her Side in the Coach, and +with a soft Murmur, breathing Jemmy's Name, she Died. Surely a story so +piteous as this needs no comment. And by Heaven it is True! + + + + +CHAPTER THE NINTH. + + REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME + FURTHER SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO + BUSINESS ON MY OWN ACCOUNT. + + +MEMORANDUM.--About a year before the Rebellion, as the Earl of +Kilmarnock was one day walking in his Garden, he was suddenly alarmed +with a fearful Shriek, which, while he was reflecting on with +Astonishment, was soon after repeated. On this he went into the House, +and inquired of his Lady and all the Servants, but could not discover +from whom or whence the Cry proceeded; but missing his Lady's Woman, he +was informed that she was gone into an Upper Room to inspect some Linen. +Whereupon the Earl and his Lady went up and opened the Door, which was +only latched. But no sooner did the Gentlewoman within set eyes on his +Lordship's face than she fainted away. When, proper aid being given to +her, she was brought to herself, they asked her the meaning of what they +had heard and seen. She replied, that while she sat sewing some Linen +she had taken up to mend, the Door opened of itself, and a _Bloody Head_ +entered the Room, and rolled upon the Floor; that this dreadful Sight +had made her cry out, and then the Bloody Head disappeared; that in a +few Moments she saw the same frightful Apparition again, on which she +repeated her Shrieks; and at the third time she fainted away, but was +just recovered when she saw his Lordship coming in, which had made the +Impression on her they had been witness of. + +This Relation given by the affrighted Gentlewoman was only laughed at +and ridiculed as the Effect of Spleen-Vapours, or the Frenzy of a +deluded Imagination, and was thought no more of, till one Night, when +the Earl of Kilmarnock, sitting round a Bowl by the Winter Fire with my +Lord Galloway,--and it is at such a Time that men are most prone to +fall-to telling of Ghost Stories,--and their Lordships' conversation +turning on Spectres and Apparitions, the vulgar notions of which they +were deriding, the terrible tale of the Bloody Head was brought up, and +then dismissed as the idle fancy of a Hoity-toity Tirewoman. But after +Kilmarnock had engaged in the Rebellion, and Lord Galloway was told of +it, he instantly recollected this Story, and said, "I will wager a dozen +Magnums of Claret, and my best Silver-laced Justaucorps, that my Lord +Kilmarnock will lose his Head." + +Nobody took his bet, not daring thus to trifle with the lives of the +Quality; but that Scots Lord lost his Head, notwithstanding; and I saw +it cut off on Tower Hill in the latter summer of the year '46. + +This story of the Bloody Head was common Talk among us Warders at the +time,--who were full as superstitious as other Folks, you may be sure. +Many such Legends are there, too, current of Persons who were to die +Violent Deaths at the hands of the Public Executioner, being forewarned +many years before of their Impending Fate. And sometimes hath the +Monition come nearer to the Catastrophe, as in the case of K. C. the +1st, who, entering Westminster Hall at that Unnatural Assize presided +over by Bradshaw, the Gold Head fell off his Walking-Staff, and rolled +on the Pavement of the Hall among the Soldiers; nor, when it was +restored to him, could any Efforts of his make it remain on. Also it is +said of my Lord Derwentwater, that the last time he went a hunting in +the north, before he joined the Old Chevalier of St. George, his +whippers-in unearthed a litter of Fox-cubs, every one of which Vermin +had been born without Heads. And as well authenticated is it, that when +my Lord Balmerino (that suffered on Tower Hill with the Earl of +Kilmarnock) was coming back condemned to Death from his Trial before +his Peers at Westminster, his Lordship being of a merry, Epicurean +temper, and caring no more for Death than a Sailor does for a wet Shirt, +stopped the coach at a Fruiterer's at Charing Cross, where he must needs +ask Mr. Lieutenant's Attendant to buy him some Honey-Blobbs, which is +the Scottish name for ripe Gooseberries. + +"And King Geordie maun pay for the bit fruitie; for King James's auld +soldier has nae siller of his ain save twa guineas for Jock Headsman," +quoth he in his jocular manner, meaning that those about him must pay +for the Gooseberries; for indeed this Lord was very poor, and I have +heard was, when in town, so much driven as to borrow money from the man +who keeps the Tennis-court in James Street, Haymarket. + +Well, it so happened that the Season was a backward one; and the +Fruiterer sends his duty out to his Lordship, saying that he has no ripe +Gooseberries, but that of green ones he has a store, to which that +unfortunate Nobleman is heartily welcome. + +"I'll e'en try one," says my Lord; and from a Punnet they brought him he +picks a Green Gooseberry; when, wonderful to relate, it swells in his +hand to the bigness at least of an egg-plum, and turns the colour of +Blood. "The de'il's in the Honey-Blobb," cries my Lord in a tiff, and +flings it out of window, where it made a great red stain on the +pavement. + +And this the Warder who stood by, and the Messenger who was in the coach +itself, told me. + +Less need is there to speak of such strange adventures as my Lady +Nithisdale's child (that was born soon after her Lord's escape from the +Tower, in which, with such a noble valour and self-sacrifice, she aided +him) being brought into the World with a broad Axe figured, as though by +a Limner, on its Neck; or of the Countess of Cromartie's infant (she +likewise Lay-in while the Earl was under sentence) having a thin red +line or thread right round its neck. These things are perhaps to be +accounted more as Phenomena of nature than as ominous prognostications, +and I so dismiss 'em. But it is worth while to note that, for all the +good authority we have of Lord Kilmarnock's Waiting-woman being +affrighted by the vision of a Bloody Head, the story itself, or at least +something germane to it, is as old as the Hills. During my travels in +Sweden, I was told of a very strange mischance that had happened to one +of their Kings who was named Charles;--but Charles the what, I do +confess I know not;--who walking one evening in his garden, saw all at +once a Wing of the Palace, that had been shut up and deserted for Twenty +years, all blazing with Light from the Windows, as for some great +Festival. And his Majesty, half suspecting this might be some +Masquerading prank on the part of the Court Ladies, and half afraid that +there was mischief in it, drew his Sword, and calling upon a brace of +his Gentlemen to follow him, stave in a door and came into a Great Old +Hall, that was the principal apartment in the said Wing. And at the +upper End, where the ancient Throne of his ancestors was long since gone +to Rags and Tatters, and abandoned to Dust and Cobwebs, he saw, sitting +on the chair of Estate, and crowned, a little child that was then but a +boy--the Duke of Sudermania. And lo! as he gazed upon him a Dreadful +Ball, that seemed fashioned in the similitude of his own Head, showed +itself under the Throne, rolled down the steps, and so came on to his +very Feet, where it stopped, splashing his Boots unto the very ankle +with Gore. The tale of the Bloody Boots, as 'tis called, is still quite +familiar to every Nurse in Sweden; but I never heard how it ended, or +whether King Charles had his Head cut off in the Long-run; but every +Swede will swear to the Story; and as for the Boots, I have heard that +they are to be seen, with the dark brown stains of the Blood still upon +'em, in a glass case at the House of one Mr. Herdstroem, who sells Aqua +Vitae over the Milliner's in the Bogbindersgade at Stockholm. + +'Twas in the summer of 1747 that I put off my Warder's dress for good +and all, the Rebellion being by this time quite Dead and crushed out; +but before I laid down my halbert 'twas my duty to assist at the +crowning consummation of that disastrous Tragedy. One of the Prime +Traitors in the Scottish Risings had been, it is well known, the +notorious Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, of Castle Downie, in Scotland, then +come to be Eighty years old, and as atrocious an old Villain as ever +lived, but so cunning that he cheated the Gallows for three quarters of +a century, and died like a Gentleman, by the Axe, at last. He had been +mixed up in every plot for the bringing back of King James ever since +the Old Chevalier's Father gave up the Ghost at St. Germain's, yet had +somehow managed to escape scot-free from Attainder and Confiscation. +Even in the '45, when he sent the Clan Fraser to join the Young +Chevalier, he tried his best to make his poor Son, the Master of Lovat +(a very virtuous and gallant young Gentleman), the scapegoat for his +misdeeds, playing Fast and Loose between France and the Jacobites on +one side, and the Lord Justice Clerk and the King's Government on the +other. But Justice had him on the hip at last, and the old Fox was +caught. They brought him to London by Easy Stages, as he was, or +pretended to be, mighty Infirm; and while he was resting at an Inn at +St. Alban's, Mr. Hogarth the Painter (whom I have seen many a time +smoking a pipe and making Caricatures of the Company at the Tavern he +used--the Bedford Head, Maiden Lane, Covent Garden: a skilful +Draughtsman, this Mr. Hogarth, but very Uppish and Impudent in his Tone; +for I remember that he once called me Captain Compound, seeing, as the +fellow said, that I was made up of three--Captain Bobadil, Captain +Macheath, and Captain Kyd),--this Mr. H. went down to St. Alban's, and +took a picture of the old Lord, as he sat in his great chair, counting +the strength of the Scottish clans on his fingers. 'Twas afterwards +graved on copper, and had a prodigious sale. + +Monday, March 9th, began this Lord's Trial, very Grand and Stately, +which took place in Westminster Hall, fitted up anew for the occasion, +with the Throne, and chairs for the Prince and the Duke, brave in Velvet +and Gold, Scarlet benches for the Peers, galleries for Ladies and +Foreign Ambassadors, boxes for the Lawyers and the Managers of the House +of Commons that preferred the Impeachment, and a great railed platform, +that was half like a Scaffold itself, for the Prisoner. So we Warders, +and a Strong Guard of Horse Grenadiers and Foot-Soldiers, brought him +down from the Tower to Westminster, Mr. Fowler, the Gentleman Gaoler, +attending with the Axe; but the Edge thereof turned away from his +Lordship. The Crown Lawyers, Sir William Yonge, Sir Dudley Rider, and +Sir John Strange, that were of Counsel for the Crown, opened against him +in a very bitter manner; at which the Old Sinner grinned, and likened +them to hounds fighting for a very tough Morsel which was scarce worth +the Tearing. Then he plagues the Lord Steward for permission for Counsel +to be granted to him to speak on his behalf, which by law could not be +granted, and for a short-hand writer to take minutes, which, after some +delay, was allowed. One Schield, that was the first Witness called, +deposing that Lord Lovat made one of a company of gentlemen who in 1740 +drank healths and sang catches, such as "Confusion to the White Horse" +(meaning the heraldic cognizance of Hanover) "and all his generation," +and + + "When Jemmy comes o'er, + We shall have blood and blows galore," + +my Lord cries out upon him as a False Villain and Perjured Rascal. And +was thereupon admonished by the Lord Steward to more decorous behaviour. +Item: that he laid all the blame of the Frasers rising upon his Son, +saying with Crocodile Tears that he was not the first who had an +Undutiful Son; whereupon the young gentleman cries out in natural +Resentment that he would put the Saddle on the right Horse. But this and +many other charges were brought home to him, and that he had long +foregathered with the Pretender, of whom he spoke in a mock-tragedy +style as "the young man Thomas Kuli Khan." When upon his defence, he +told many Lies, and strove to Butter their Lordships with specious +Compliments and strained Eulogies; but 'twould not serve. The Lords +being retired into their own chamber, and the question being put whether +Simon Lord Lovat was guilty of all the charges of high treason brought +against him, every one, laying his hand on his left breast, and +beginning with the Junior Baron, answered, "GUILTY, upon my honour." And +the next day, which was the seventh of the Trial, he was solemnly +sentenced to Die as a Traitor; his Grace the Lord Steward making a most +affecting Speech, in which he reproached the Lord at the Bar with having +unnaturally endeavoured to cast the blame of his malpractices on his +son; "which," said his Grace, "if it be true, is an impiety that makes +one tremble: for, to quote a wise author of antiquity, the love of our +country includes all other social affections, which," he continued, +"shows a perfect knowledge of human nature; for we see, when that is +gone, even the tenderest of all affections--the parental--may be +extinguished with it." Upon which Admirable Discourse my fellow-Warder, +Miles Bandolier, fell a blubbering, and wiping his eyes with his laced +sleeve, whimpers that it is something, after all, to be a Lord to be +cast for Death in such Sweet Terms; for no Judge at the Old Bailey would +think of wasting Sugared words upon the rogue he sent to Tyburn. Which +is true. + +When all was done, and the Lord Steward had, by breaking his Staff, +declared the commission void, the Prisoner with a grimace twinkling +about his wicked old mouth, bespoke his Majesty's good consideration, +and, turning to the Managers of the Commons, cries out, "I hope, as ye +are stout, ye will be merciful!" Upon which one Mr. Polwhedlyan, that +sate for a Cornish borough, and was a very Fat Man, thinking himself +directly concerned, shook his head with great gravity of countenance. +But the old Villain was but Play-acting again, and could but see that +the Game was up; for as the Lords were filing back to the House, he +calls after them, "God bless you all! I bid you an everlasting farewell, +for in this place we shall never meet again." He said "God bless you!" +with a kind of fiendish yowl quite horrible to behold; and if ever man's +benison sounded like a curse, it was that of bad old Lord Lovat. + +A very sad sight at this memorable Trial was the Appearance and +Demeanour of J. Murray, of Broughton, Esq., that had been the +Chevalier's Secretary,--deepest of all in his Secrets, and most loved +and trusted by him. The unhappy man, to save his Life, had betrayed his +master and turned King's Evidence, not only against Lord Lovat, but many +other unhappy Gentlemen. I never saw such a shrinking, cowering, +hang-dog figure as was made by this Person in the Box; and burned with +shame within myself to think that this should be a Man of Gentle birth, +and that had touched the hand of a King's Son--Grandson, I mean. +Accomplished scoundrel as Lovat was, even a deeper abhorrence was +excited by this Judas: when he first stood up, the Lords, after gazing +at him for a moment with Contempt, turned their Backs upon him. The +Crown Lawyers treated him in the manner that an Old Bailey Counsellor +would cross-examine an approver in a case of Larceny; and as for the +Prisoner, he just shut his eyes while Murray was giving evidence; and +when he had finished, turns to the Gentleman Gaoler, and asks, with his +eyes still shut, "Is IT gone?" meaning Judas. At which there was some +merriment. + +'Twas just a month after this trial, on April 9th, that Justice was done +upon Simon Fraser. He had eaten and drunk heartily, and cracked many +scurril Jokes while under sentence, and seemed not to care Twopence +whether he was Reprieved or Not. On the fatal day he waked about three +in the morning, and prayed, or pretended to pray, with great Devotion. +At all events, we Warders heard him; and he made Noise enough. At five +he rose, and called for a glass of Wine-and-Water, after drinking which +he Read till seven. Then he took some more Wine-and-Water, and at eight +desired that his Wig might be sent to the Barber to be combed out +genteelly. Also, among some nicknacks that he kept in a casket, he +looked out a purse made somewhat in the Scotch fashion, of sealskin, to +hold the money which he desired to give to the Executioner. At half +after nine he breakfasted very heartily of Minced Veal, which he hoped +would not indigest, he facetiously remarked, ordering Chocolate and +Coffee for his Friends, whose Health he drank himself in Wine-and-Water. +At eleven the Sheriffs sent to demand his Body, when he desired all +present, save we who were at the Door, to retire, that he might say a +short prayer. Presently he calls 'em again, saying, "I am ready." At the +bottom of the first Pair of Stairs from his Chamber, General Williamson, +the Commandant of the Garrison, invited him into his room to rest +himself. He complied most cheerfully, and in French desired that he +might be allowed to take leave of his Lady, and thank her for all the +civilities--for she had sent him victuals every day from her own Table, +dressed in the French fashion, which he much affected--which she had +shown him during his confinement. But the General told him, likewise in +French, that she was too much afflicted by his Lordship's Misfortunes to +bear the shock of parting with him, and so begged to be excused. Which +means, that she did not care about being pawed and mauled by this wicked +Old Satyr in his last Moments; though, with the curiosity natural to her +Sex, I saw with my own eyes Madame Williamson, in a new Hoop and a grand +silk Calash, and with half-a-dozen of her gossips, at a window of the +House on Tower Hill hard by the Sheriff's and overlooking the Scaffold. + +Now we Warders closed up about him; and preceded and followed by +Foot-Soldiers, he was conveyed in the Governor's Coach to the Outward +Gate, and so delivered over to the Sheriffs, who, giving a Receipt for +his Body, conveyed him in another coach (hired for the two former Lords, +Kilmarnock and Balmerino) to the said House close to the Scaffold, in +which (the House) was a room lined with Black Cloth and hung with +Sconces. + +A gentleman of a Pious Mien here beginning to read a Prayer for him, he +bade me help him up that he might Kneel. One of the Sheriffs then asked +him if he would take a Glass of Wine; but he said that he would prefer +Negus. But there was no warm water, unhappily, at hand, and says his +Lordship, with his old Grin, "The warm bluid is nae tappit yet;" so they +brought him a glass of burnt brandy-and-bitters, which he drank with +great Gusto. + +He desired that all his Clothes should be given to his friends, together +with his Corpse, remarking that for such end he would give the +Executioner Ten instead of Five guineas, which is the customary +Compliment. To each of the dozen Warders there present he gave a +Jacobus; to Miles Bandolier fifty shillings; and on myself, who had +specially attended on him ever since he was first brought to the Tower, +he bestowed Five gold pieces. As I touched the money, he clapped me on +the shoulder, and says in his comical way, + +"I warrant, now, that beef and pudding would sit as easy under thy laced +jerkin were 'J. R.,' and not 'G. R.,' blazoned on thee, back and +breast." + +But anon a light cloud passed over his visage, and I heard him mutter to +himself in the Scottish dialect, "Beef and pudding! 'tis cauld kail for +Fraser the morn." + +Then turning to the Sheriffs, he desired that his Head might be received +in a Cloth and put into the Coffin, the which they promised him; +likewise that (if it could be done without censure) the ceremony of +holding up the Head at the Four Corners of the Scaffold should be +dispensed with. His Lordship seemed now indeed very weak in his Body, +albeit in no way disconcerted as to his Mind; and, as Miles Bandolier +and your Humble Servant escorted him up the steps of the Scaffold, he +looked around, and gazing upon the immense concourse of people, + +"God save us!" says he; "why should there be such a bustle about taking +off ane gray head, that cannot get up Three Steps without Three Bodies +to support it?" + +From which it will be seen that his Lordship had a Merry Humour unto the +last. + +No sooner was he on the fatal Platform than, seeing me (as he +condescended to think) much dejected, he claps me on the shoulder again, +saying, "Cheer up thy heart, laddie in scarlet. I am not afraid; why +should you?" + +Then he asks for the Executioner,--that was none other, indeed, than +Jack Ketch, the Common Hangman, dressed up in black, with a Mask on, for +the days of Gentlemen Headsmen have long since passed away; though some +would have it that this was a Surgeon's Apprentice, that dwelt close to +their Hall in the Old Bailey, and turned Executioner for a Frolic; but I +am sure it was Ketch, for he came afterwards to the Stone Kitchen, +wanting to treat all present to Drink; but the meanest Grenadier there +would have none of the Hangman's liquor, for all that the Blood on his +jerkin was that of a Lord; and the fellow grew so impertinent at last, +that we Warders were constrained to turn him out of the Fortress, and +forbid him to return under pain of a Drubbing. "I shall see you no more +in the Tower," quoth the impudent rascal; "but, by ----, you shall all +of you meet me at Tyburn some day, and I'll sell your laced doublets in +Rosemary Lane after that your throttles are twisted." But to resume. +Lord Lovat gave this murderous wretch with the Axe Ten Guineas in a +Purse. Then he felt the edge of the Instrument itself, and said very +quietly that he "thought it would do." Soon after, he rose from an +Armchair which had been placed for him, and walks round and round his +Coffin, which was covered with Black Velvet, studded with Silver Nails, +and this Inscription on it (the which I copied off on my Tablets at the +time):-- + + SIMON DOMINUS FRASER DE LOVAT, + Decollat. April 9, 1747. + AEtat. suae 80. + +Then he sat down again, and recited some Latin words which I did not +understand, but was afterwards told they were from Horace, and signified +that it is a sweet and proper thing to Die for one's Country; at the +which a Wag in one of the Gazettes of the time must needs turn this +decorous Sentiment into Ridicule, and compose an Epigram insulting +Misfortune, to this Effect:-- + + "With justice may Lovat this adage apply, + For the good of their country ALL criminals die." + +Then did the unfortunate Nobleman desire all the people to stand off +except his two Warders, who again supported him while he prayed; after +which he calls up his Solicitor and Agent in Scotland, Mr. Wm. Fraser, +and, presenting his Gold-headed Cane to him, said, "I deliver you this +cane in token of my sense of your faithful services, and of my +committing to you all the power I have upon earth;" which is a Scotch +fashion, I believe, when they are Executed. And with this he kissed him +upon both cheeks; for this Lord was much given to hugging and +slobbering. + +He also calls for Mr. James Fraser, likewise a Kinsman (and these +Northern Lords seem to have them by Hundreds), and says, "My dear Jamie, +I'm gaun to Haiv'n; but ye must e'en crawl a wee langer in this evil +Warld." And with this, the old Grin. + +Then he took off his Hat, Wig, and Upper Clothes, and delivered them to +Mr. W. F., charging him to see that the Executioner did not touch them. +He ordered his Nightcap to be put on, and unloosing his Neckcloth and +the Collar of his Shirt, he kneeled down at the Block, and pulled the +Cloth which was to receive his Head close to him; but he being too near +that fatal Billet, the Executioner desired him to remove a little +further Back, which, with our assistance, was Immediately done; and his +Neck being properly placed, he told the Headsman he would say a short +Prayer, and then give the Signal by dropping his Handkerchief. In this +posture he remained about Half a Minute. Then, throwing down the +Kerchief, the Executioner, at ONE BLOW, severed his Head from his Body. +Then was a dreadful Crimson Shower of Gore all around; and many and many +a time at the Playhouse have I thought upon that Crimson Cascade on +Tower Hill, when, in the tragedy of _Macbeth_, the wicked Queen talks of +"the old man having so much blood in him." + +The Corpse was put into the Coffin, and so into the Hearse, and was +carried back to the Tower. At four o'clock came an Undertaker from +Holborn Hill, very fine, with many mourning coaches full of Scots +gentlemen, and fetched away the Body, in order to be sent to Scotland, +and deposited in his own Tomb at Kirkhill. But leave not being given by +Authority as was expected, it was again brought back to the Tower, and +buried by the side of Kilmarnock and Balmerino, close to the +Communion-rails in the little church of St. Peter-on-the-Green, where so +much Royal and Noble Dust doth moulder away. + +_Memorandum._--The Block on which this Nobleman suffered was but a +common Billet of Oak wood, such as Butchers use, and hollowed out for +the purpose of accommodating the neck; but it had not been stowed away +in the White Tower for a month before it was shown to the Public for +Money, and passed as the Block whereon Queen Anne Boleyn was beheaded. +So with the Axe, which was declared to be the one used in decapitating +K. C. 1st; but there's not a word of truth in the whole story. The +Block was hewn and the Axe was forged after the '45, and specially for +the doing of justice on the Rebel Lords. + +Note also that Lord Lovat left it in a Codicil to his Will that all the +Pipers from Jonie Groat's house to Edinburgh were to play before his +Corpse, and have a handsome allowance in Meal and Whisky (on which this +sort of People mostly live) for so doing. Likewise that all the good old +Women of his county were to sing what they call a _Coronach_ over him. +And indeed Women, both young and old, are so good when there's any thing +pitiful to be done, that I make no doubt that the _Coronach_ would have +been sung if the old Rebel had gone back to Scotland; and if there were +found those to weep for Nero, I see no reason why some tears should not +have been shed for Simon, Lord Lovat. + +But there is no denying, after all, that Simon Fraser was a very +complete Scoundrel. His whole life, indeed, had been but one series of +Crimes, one calendar of Frauds, one tissue of Lies. For at least seventy +out of his eighty years of life he had been cheating, cogging, +betraying, and doing the Devil's service upon earth; and who shall say +that his end was undeserved? A Scots Lord of his acquaintance was heard +to say that he deserved to be hung twenty times in twenty places for +twenty heinous Crimes that he had committed; and let this be borne in +mind, that this was the same Lord Lovat that, as Captain Fraser, and +being then a Young Man, was outlawed for a very atrocious Act of +Violence that he had committed upon a young Lady of Fashion and Figure, +whom he carried away (with the aid of a Band of his brutal Retainers) +in the dead of night, married by Force, with the assistance of a +hireling Priest of his, cutting the very clothes off her body with his +Dirk, and bidding his Pipers strike up to drown her cries. And yet such +a Ruffian as he undoubtedly was could maintain an appearance of a facete +disposition to the last; and he seems to have taken great pains to quit +the Stage, not only with Decency, but with that Dignity which is thought +to distinguish the Good Conscience and the Noble Mind. There is only one +more thing to be set down, and that is one that I, being the Warder who +(with Bandolier) attended him throughout his confinement, can vouch for +the truth of. It was falsely said at the time that this Lord sought to +defraud the Axe by much drinking of Wine: now I can aver that while in +custody he never drank above two pints a day; and the report may have +arisen from the considerable quantities of Brandy and Rum which were +used, night and morning, to bathe his poor feet and legs. + +Now, Tranquillity being happily restored to these Kingdoms, and the +Chevalier safely gotten away to France (whither, however, that luckless +young Man was expelled, and in a very ignominious manner, at the Peace +of Aix-la-Chapelle), I do confess that I began to weary somewhat of my +fine Red Doublet, and of the Rosettes in my shoes; and although my +Loyalty to King George and the Protestant Succession was without stain, +I felt that it was somewhat beneath the dignity of a Gentleman Cavalier +to dangle all day beneath a Portcullis with a Partisan on one's +shoulder, or act as Bear Leader to the Joskins and simpering City Madams +that came to see the Curiosities. And I felt my own roaming Fit come +upon me as fierce as ever, and longed to be off to Foreign Parts again. +I could have taken service under the Duke of Cumberland in the wars of +Germany, and could have procured, perhaps, a pair of Colours in his +Royal Highness's army; but, odd to relate, ever since my Misadventure at +Vienna what time I was in little Squire Pinchin's service, I had +conceived a great Distaste for those High Dutch countries, and cared not +to go a campaigning there. Then there was fighting going on, and to +spare, in Italy, where the Austrians were doing their best to reduce +Genoa, the French opposing 'em tooth and nail. But I misliked the +Germans as well as their country, and saw not the Profit of getting shot +under the command of an Austrian Archduke. There were many other +Continental countries open to the enterprise of Gentlemen Adventurers +from England, but in most of them only Papists would go down; and to +turn Romanist, for whatever reward of Place or Dignity, was against my +principles. + +Pending, however, my coming to some Determination as to my future mode +of life, I resolved to throw up my Post of Tower Warder receiving the +gratuity of Twenty Guineas which was granted to those resigning by the +bounty of his Majesty the King. Those who state that I left my +Employment in any thing like Disgrace are surely the vilest Traducers +and Libellers that ever deserved to have their tongues bored through +with a Red-hot Iron; but I do not mind myself admitting that my +situation had become somewhat unpleasant, and that I was sufficiently +anxious to change the scene of my Adventures. There was a certain +Waiting-maid belonging to Madam Williamson (that was General +Williamson's lady, Military Commandant) who had long cast Sheep's Eyes +upon me. I declare that I gave the Lass no encouragement; but what would +you have? I was in the prime of life, and she a buxom kind of Wench, +about twenty-two years of age. 'Twas following me here, and ogling me +there, and leaving love-billets and messages for me at the Guard-Room. I +will not deny but that from time to time I may have passed a jest with +the girl, nay, given her some few trinkums, and now and then treated her +to chocolate or sweet wine at Marylebone Gardens or the Flask at +Hampstead. You may be sure that on these occasions I did not wear my +Antiquated costume as a Tower Warder, but a blue Culloden frock, +gold-corded, and with crown buttons; a scarlet waistcoat and breeches; +a hat with a military cock; and a neat hanger by my side. By drawers, +masters of the games, and others, I was now always known as Captain. + +Had I not been exceedingly wary and circumspect in all my dealings with +this Waiting-Woman,--poor thing! her name was Prue,--the affair might +have ended badly; and there might have been Rendezvous on the ramparts, +moonlight trysts on the Tower Green, and the like Follies. But I saw +that our Flirtation must not be permitted to go any further. The +Commandant's wife, indeed, had come to hear of it; and, sending for me +to her Parlour, must needs ask me what my Intentions were towards her +Maid. "Madam," I answered, taking off my hat, and making her a very low +bow, "I am a soldier; and I never knew a soldier yet that Intended any +thing; all he does is without any Intention at all." Upon which she bade +me to go for an Impudent fellow; and I doubt not, had I been under her +Husband's orders, would have had me set upon the Picket on the Parade +for my free speaking; but we Tower Warders were not amenable to such +Slavish Discipline; and, indeed, General Williamson, who stood by, was +pleased to laugh heartily at my answer, and gave me a crown to drink the +King's health, bidding me, however, take care what I was about, and see +that the poor girl came to no Hurt. And I being at that time somewhat +chary of imperilling my Independence, and minded to take neither a Wife +nor a Mistress, thought the very best thing I could do was to kiss, +shake hands, and Part, lest worse should come of it. + + +END OF VOL. II. + + + LONDON: + SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET, + COVENT GARDEN. + + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Obvious punctuation errors repaired. + +Page 44, "han" changed to "than" (than other slave-owners) + +Page 64, "ther" changed to "their" (from their own) + +Page 112, "coutenance" changed to "countenance" (good-humoured +countenance) + +Page 179, "a a" changed to "a" (a gold snuff-box) + +Page 237, "Mishipmite" changed to "Midshipmite" (Midshipmite, and who I) + +Page 242, "eigteenth" changed to "eighteenth" (my eighteenth year) + +Page 262, "fo" changed to "for" ('Forty-five; and for) + +Text uses both Guard-house and Guardhouse; pottle-pot and pottlepot; +stand-still and standstill; and Train-bands and Trainbands. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain +Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN DANGEROUS, VOL. 2 OF 3 *** + +***** This file should be named 26668.txt or 26668.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/6/6/26668/ + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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