diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 2694-0.txt | 1574 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 2694-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 34204 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 2694-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 35753 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 2694-h/2694-h.htm | 1970 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/2694.txt | 1564 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/2694.zip | bin | 0 -> 34137 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/chmny10.txt | 1565 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/chmny10.zip | bin | 0 -> 32712 bytes |
11 files changed, 6689 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2694-0.txt b/2694-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b611328 --- /dev/null +++ b/2694-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1574 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: I and My Chimney + +Author: Herman Melville + +Release Date: July, 2001 [eBook #2694] +[Most recently updated: June 28, 2023] + +Language: English + +Produced by: Stephan J. Macaluso + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + + + + +I and My Chimney + +By Herman Melville + + + + +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. +We are, I may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, +which settles more and more every day. + +Though I always say, _I and my chimney_, as Cardinal Wolsey used to +say, “_I and my King_,” yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein I +take precedence of my chimney, is hardly borne out by the facts; in +everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of +me. + +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney—a huge, corpulent +old Harry VIII of a chimney—rises full in front of me and all my +possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse’s +monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the +first object to greet the approaching traveler’s eye, nor is it the +last which the sun salutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving +the first-fruits of the seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; +and every spring, as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build +their nests in it. + +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most +manifest. When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand to +receive my guests (who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see my +chimney than me) I then stand, not so much before, as, strictly +speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, the true host. Not that +I demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I know my place. + +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think +that I have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from +standing behind my old-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be +quite behind the age too, as well as running behindhand in everything +else. But to tell the truth, I never was a very forward old fellow, nor +what my farming neighbors call a forehanded one. Indeed, those rumors +about my behindhandedness are so far correct, that I have an odd +sauntering way with me sometimes of going about with my hands behind my +back. As for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, +I bring up the rear of my chimney—which, by the way, is this moment +before me—and that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney +is my superior; my superior by I know not how many heads and shoulders; +my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I +much minister to it; yet never does it minister, or incline over to me; +but, if anything, in its settlings, rather leans the other way. + +My chimney is grand seignior here—the one great domineering object, not +more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, +in each architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the +most marked manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney’s, +which, among other things, has the centre of the house to himself, +leaving but the odd holes and corners to me. + +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we +may have to expatiate. + +In those houses which are strictly double houses—that is, where the +hall is in the middle—the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; so +that while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire +built into a recess of the north wall, say another member, the former’s +own brother, perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a +hearth in the south wall—the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is +this well? Be it put to any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. Has +it not a sort of sulky appearance? But very probably this style of +chimney building originated with some architect afflicted with a +quarrelsome family. + +Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate +flue—separate throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least such an +arrangement is deemed desirable. Does not this look egotistical, +selfish? But still more, all these separate flues, instead of having +independent masonry establishments of their own, or instead of being +grouped together in one federal stock in the middle of the +house—instead of this, I say, each flue is surreptitiously honey-combed +into the walls; so that these last are here and there, or indeed almost +anywhere, treacherously hollow, and, in consequence, more or less weak. +Of course, the main reason of this style of chimney building is to +economize room. In cities, where lots are sold by the inch, small space +is to spare for a chimney constructed on magnanimous principles; and, +as with most thin men, who are generally tall, so with such houses, +what is lacking in breadth, must be made up in height. This remark +holds true even with regard to many very stylish abodes, built by the +most stylish of gentlemen. And yet, when that stylish gentleman, Louis +le Grand of France, would build a palace for his lady, friend, Madame +de Maintenon, he built it but one story high—in fact in the cottage +style. But then, how uncommonly quadrangular, spacious, and +broad—horizontal acres, not vertical ones. Such is the palace, which, +in all its one-storied magnificence of Languedoc marble, in the garden +of Versailles, still remains to this day. Any man can buy a square foot +of land and plant a liberty-pole on it; but it takes a king to set +apart whole acres for a grand Trianon. + +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a +necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is large +rivalry in building tall houses. If one gentleman builds his house four +stories high, and another gentleman comes next door and builds five +stories high, then the former, not to be looked down upon that way, +immediately sends for his architect and claps a fifth and a sixth story +on top of his previous four. And, not till the gentleman has achieved +his aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by twilight and +observed how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor’s fifth—not till +then does he retire to his rest with satisfaction. + +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this +emulous conceit of soaring out of them. + +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, +aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as if I did but +fold myself about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to +tickle my individual vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish +upon my frankly conceding, that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold +last month for ten dollars an acre, and thought a rash purchase at +that; so that for wide houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and +cheap. Indeed so cheap—dirt cheap—is the soil, that our elms thrust out +their roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most +lavish and reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are sown broadcast, +even peas and turnips. A farmer among us, who should go about his +twenty-acre field, poking his finger into it here and there, and +dropping down a mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, +narrow-minded husbandman. The dandelions in the river-meadows, and the +forget-me-nots along the mountain roads, you see at once they are put +to no economy in space. Some seasons, too, our rye comes up here and +there a spear, sole and single like a church-spire. It doesn’t care to +crowd itself where it knows there is such a deal of room. The world is +wide, the world is all before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, it is +amazing how they spread. No such thing as arresting them—some of our +pastures being a sort of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, every +spring it is like Kossuth’s rising of what he calls the peoples. +Mountains, too, a regular camp-meeting of them. For the same reason, +the same all-sufficiency of room, our shadows march and countermarch, +going through their various drills and masterly evolutions, like the +old imperial guard on the Champs de Mars. As for the hills, especially +where the roads cross them the supervisors of our various towns have +given notice to all concerned, that they can come and dig them down and +cart them off, and never a cent to pay, no more than for the privilege +of picking blackberries. The stranger who is buried here, what +liberal-hearted landed proprietor among us grudges him his six feet of +rocky pasture? + +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is +trodden under foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and +chiefly for its three great lions—the Great Oak, Ogg Mountain, and my +chimney. + +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed two. +That in which I and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its +height, from sill to eaves—which accounts for the magnitude of its main +content—besides showing that in this house, as in this country at +large, there is abundance of space, and to spare, for both of us. + +The frame of the old house is of wood—which but the more sets forth the +solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the great wrought +nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so +are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. The architect of the chimney +must have had the pyramid of Cheops before him; for, after that famous +structure, it seems modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the +summit is considerably less, and it is truncated. From the exact middle +of the mansion it soars from the cellar, right up through each +successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water from the +ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest +of a billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razeed +observatory, masoned up. + +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon +rather delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch as many +years ago the original gable roof of the old house had become very +leaky, a temporary proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, +cross-cut saws, and went to sawing the old gable roof clean off. Off it +went, with all its birds’ nests, and dormer windows. It was replaced +with a modern roof, more fit for a railway wood-house than an old +country gentleman’s abode. This operation—razeeing the structure some +fifteen feet—was, in effect upon the chimney, something like the +falling of the great spring tides. It left uncommon low water all about +the chimney—to abate which appearance, the same person now proceeds to +slice fifteen feet off the chimney itself, actually beheading my royal +old chimney—a regicidal act, which, were it not for the palliating fact +that he was a poulterer by trade, and, therefore, hardened to such +neck-wringings, should send that former proprietor down to posterity in +the same cart with Cromwell. + +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney inordinately +widened its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but only in the +estimation of such as have no eye to the picturesque. What care I, if, +unaware that my chimney, as a free citizen of this free land, stands +upon an independent basis of its own, people passing it, wonder how +such a brick-kiln, as they call it, is supported upon mere joists and +rafters? What care I? I will give a traveler a cup of switchel, if he +want it; but am I bound to supply him with a sweet taste? Men of +cultivated minds see, in my old house and chimney, a goodly old +elephant-and-castle. + +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about to +add. The surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily brought +into the open air a part of the chimney previously under cover, and +intended to remain so, and, therefore, not built of what are called +weather-bricks. In consequence, the chimney, though of a vigorous +constitution, suffered not a little, from so naked an exposure; and, +unable to acclimate itself, ere long began to fail—showing blotchy +symptoms akin to those in measles. Whereupon travelers, passing my way, +would wag their heads, laughing; “See that wax nose—how it melts off!” +But what cared I? The same travelers would travel across the sea to +view Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good reason: that of all +artists of the picturesque, decay wears the palm—I would say, the ivy. +In fact, I’ve often thought that the proper place for my old chimney is +ivied old England. + +In vain my wife—with what probable ulterior intent will, ere long, +appear—solemnly warned me, that unless something were done, and +speedily, we should be burnt to the ground, owing to the holes +crumbling through the aforesaid blotchy parts, where the chimney joined +the roof. “Wife,” said I, “far better that my house should burn down, +than that my chimney should be pulled down, though but a few feet. They +call it a wax nose; very good; not for me to tweak the nose of my +superior.” But at last the man who has a mortgage on the house dropped +me a note, reminding me that, if my chimney was allowed to stand in +that invalid condition, my policy of insurance would be void. This was +a sort of hint not to be neglected. All the world over, the picturesque +yields to the pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the mortgagee +did. + +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, and a +new one fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression—being put up by a +squint-eyed mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch in the same +side—the new nose stands a little awry, in the same direction. + +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of the new +part are unreduced. + +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to its +spaciousness below. At its base in the cellar, it is precisely twelve +feet square; and hence covers precisely one hundred and forty-four +superficial feet. What an appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, +and what a huge load for this earth! In fact, it was only because I and +my chimney formed no part of his ancient burden, that that stout +peddler, Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up so bravely under his +pack. The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. But, like those +stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having passed +over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this day? + +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that vast +square of masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and wonder at it. It +has a druidical look, away down in the umbrageous cellar there whose +numerous vaulted passages, and far glens of gloom, resemble the dark, +damp depths of primeval woods. So strongly did this conceit steal over +me, so deeply was I penetrated with wonder at the chimney, that one +day—when I was a little out of my mind, I now think—getting a spade +from the garden, I set to work, digging round the foundation, +especially at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of +striking upon some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, +when, into all this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons +laid the foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an August +sun, or pelted by a March storm. Plying my blunted spade, how vexed was +I by that ungracious interruption of a neighbor who, calling to see me +upon some business, and being informed that I was below said I need not +be troubled to come up, but he would go down to me; and so, without +ceremony, and without my having been forewarned, suddenly discovered +me, digging in my cellar. + +“Gold digging, sir?” + +“Nay, sir,” answered I, starting, “I was merely—ahem!—merely—I say I +was merely digging-round my chimney.” + +“Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you regard +as too small, I suppose; needing further development, especially at the +top?” + +“Sir!” said I, throwing down the spade, “do not be personal. I and my +chimney—” + +“Personal?” + +“Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as a +personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and +inferior subject.” + +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or my +chimney; and never again did my visitor refer to it in my hearing, +without coupling some compliment with the mention. It well deserves a +respectful consideration. There it stands, solitary and alone—not a +council—of ten flues, but, like his sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of +an autocrat. + +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does not look +so big—no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its magnitude can +be but imperfectly comprehended, because only one side can be received +at one time; and said side can only present twelve feet, linear +measure. But then, each other side also is twelve feet long; and the +whole obviously forms a square and twelve times twelve is one hundred +and forty-four. And so, an adequate conception of the magnitude of this +chimney is only to be got at by a sort of process in the higher +mathematics by a method somewhat akin to those whereby the surprising +distances of fixed stars are computed. + +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely free +from fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle—in the one grand +central chimney, upon all four sides of which are hearths—two tiers of +hearths—so that when, in the various chambers, my family and guests are +warming themselves of a cold winter’s night, just before retiring, +then, though at the time they may not be thinking so, all their faces +mutually look towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one +centre; and, when they go to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round +one warm chimney, like so many Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round +their one heap of embers. And just as the Indians’ fire serves, not +only to keep them comfortable, but also to keep off wolves, and other +savage monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at top, keeps off +prowling burglars from the towns—for what burglar or murderer would +dare break into an abode from whose chimney issues such a continual +smoke—betokening that if the inmates are not stirring, at least fires +are, and in case of an alarm, candles may readily be lighted, to say +nothing of muskets. + +But stately as is the chimney—yea, grand high altar as it is, right +worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of Rome, and +all his cardinals—yet what is there perfect in this world? Caius Julius +Caesar, had he not been so inordinately great, they say that Brutus, +Cassius, Antony, and the rest, had been greater. My chimney, were it +not so mighty in its magnitude, my chambers had been larger. How often +has my wife ruefully told me, that my chimney, like the English +aristocracy, casts a contracting shade all round it. She avers that +endless domestic inconveniences arise—more particularly from the +chimney’s stubborn central locality. The grand objection with her is, +that it stands midway in the place where a fine entrance-hall ought to +be. In truth, there is no hall whatever to the house—nothing but a sort +of square landing-place, as you enter from the wide front door. A roomy +enough landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to the dignity of a +hall. Now, as the front door is precisely in the middle of the front of +the house, inwards it faces the chimney. In fact, the opposite wall of +the landing-place is formed solely by the chimney; and hence-owing to +the gradual tapering of the chimney—is a little less than twelve feet +in width. Climbing the chimney in this part, is the principal +staircase—which, by three abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, +mounts to the second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort of +narrow gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to +chambers on either hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and so, +looking down upon the stairs, and all those landing-places together, +with the main one at bottom, resembles not a little a balcony for +musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times Elizabethan. Shall I tell +a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs there, and many a time arrest Biddy +in the act of brushing them with her broom, and have many a quarrel +with my wife and daughters about it. + +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the house, +that ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, not the +first. The two floors are made one here; so that ascending this turning +stairs, you seem going up into a kind of soaring tower, or lighthouse. +At the second landing, midway up the chimney, is a mysterious door, +entering to a mysterious closet; and here I keep mysterious cordials, +of a choice, mysterious flavor, made so by the constant nurturing and +subtle ripening of the chimney’s gentle heat, distilled through that +warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than voyages to the +Indias; my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a November +day is as good for an invalid as a long season spent in Cuba. Often I +think how grapes might ripen against my chimney. How my wife’s +geraniums bud there! Bud in December. Her eggs, too—can’t keep them +near the chimney, on account of the hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my +chimney. + +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand entrance-hall of +hers, which was to be knocked clean through the chimney, from one end +of the house to the other, and astonish all guests by its generous +amplitude. “But, wife,” said I, “the chimney—consider the chimney: if +you demolish the foundation, what is to support the superstructure?” +“Oh, that will rest on the second floor.” The truth is, women know next +to nothing about the realities of architecture. However, my wife still +talked of running her entries and partitions. She spent many long +nights elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall +through the chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere spear of +sorrel-top. At last, I gently reminded her that, little as she might +fancy it, the chimney was a fact—a sober, substantial fact, which, in +all her plannings, it would be well to take into full consideration. +But this was not of much avail. + +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few words +about this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years nearly old as +myself, in spirit she is young as my little sorrel mare, Trigger, that +threw me last fall. What is extraordinary, though she comes of a +rheumatic family, she is straight as a pine, never has any aches; while +for me with the sciatica, I am sometimes as crippled up as any old +apple-tree. But she has not so much as a toothache. As for her +hearing—let me enter the house in my dusty boots, and she away up in +the attic. And for her sight—Biddy, the housemaid, tells other people’s +housemaids, that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser straight +through the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her faculties +are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse dying of +torpor. The longest night in the year I’ve known her lie awake, +planning her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural projector. The +maxim, “Whatever is, is right,” is not hers. Her maxim is, Whatever is, +is wrong; and what is more, must be altered; and what is still more, +must be altered right away. Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old +dreamer like me, who dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a +sabbatical horror of industry, will, on a week day, go out of my road a +quarter of a mile, to avoid the sight of a man at work. + +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have been +just the wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How she would +have set in order that huge littered empire of the one, and with +indefatigable painstaking picked the peck of pickled peppers for the +other. + +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. Her +youthful incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still plainer fact of +death, hardly seems Christian. Advanced in years, as she knows she must +be, my wife seems to think that she is to teem on, and be inexhaustible +forever. She doesn’t believe in old age. At that strange promise in the +plain of Mamre, my old wife, unlike old Abraham’s, would not have +jeeringly laughed within herself. + +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my chimney, +smoking my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at my feet, and +ashes not unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am thus in a +comfortable sort of not unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy enough way, +reminded of the ultimate exhaustion even of the most fiery life; judge +how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my wife must come, sometimes, +it is true, with a moral and a calm, but oftener with a breeze and a +ruffle. + +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by how +cogent a fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While spicily +impatient of present and past, like a glass of ginger-beer she +overflows with her schemes; and, with like energy as she puts down her +foot, puts down her preserves and her pickles, and lives with them in a +continual future; or ever full of expectations both from time and +space, is ever restless for newspapers, and ravenous for letters. +Content with the years that are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, +and looking for no new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I +have not a single scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal +resistance of the undue encroachment of hers. + +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly loving +old Montaigne, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing young +people, hot rolls, new books, and early potatoes and very fond of my +old claw-footed chair, and old club-footed Deacon White, my neighbor, +and that still nigher old neighbor, my betwisted old grape-vine, that +of a summer evening leans in his elbow for cosy company at my +window-sill, while I, within doors, lean over mine to meet his; and +above all, high above all, am fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But +she, out of the infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but +newness; for that cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in +spring, as if she were own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving +after all sorts of salads and spinages, and more particularly green +cucumbers (though all the time nature rebukes such unsuitable young +hankerings in so elderly a person, by never permitting such things to +agree with her), and has an itch after recently-discovered fine +prospects (so no graveyard be in the background), and also after +Swedenborgianism, and the Spirit Rapping philosophy, with other new +views, alike in things natural and unnatural; and immortally hopeful, +is forever making new flower-beds even on the north side of the house +where the bleak mountain wind would scarce allow the wiry weed called +hard-hack to gain a thorough footing; and on the road-side sets out +mere pipe-stems of young elms; though there is no hope of any shade +from them, except over the ruins of her great granddaughter’s +gravestones; and won’t wear caps, but plaits her gray hair; and takes +the Ladies’ Magazine for the fashions; and always buys her new almanac +a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and to the warmest +sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at odd hours with her +new course of history, and her French, and her music; and likes a young +company; and offers to ride young colts; and sets out young suckers in +the orchard; and has a spite against my elbowed old grape-vine, and my +club-footed old neighbor, and my claw-footed old chair, and above all, +high above all, would fain persecute, unto death, my high-mantled old +chimney. By what perverse magic, I a thousand times think, does such a +very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young soul? When I would +remonstrate at times, she spins round on me with, “Oh, don’t you +grumble, old man (she always calls me old man), it’s I, young I, that +keep you from stagnating.” Well, I suppose it is so. Yea, after all, +these things are well ordered. My wife, as one of her poor relations, +good soul, intimates, is the salt of the earth, and none the less the +salt of my sea, which otherwise were unwholesome. She is its monsoon, +too, blowing a brisk gale over it, in the one steady direction of my +chimney. + +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently made me +propositions to take upon herself all the responsibilities of my +affairs. She is desirous that, domestically, I should abdicate; that, +renouncing further rule, like the venerable Charles V, I should retire +into some sort of monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have +little authority to lay down. By my wife’s ingenious application of the +principle that certain things belong of right to female jurisdiction, I +find myself, through my easy compliances, insensibly stripped by +degrees of one masculine prerogative after another. In a dream I go +about my fields, a sort of lazy, happy-go-lucky, good-for-nothing, +loafing old Lear. Only by some sudden revelation am I reminded who is +over me; as year before last, one day seeing in one corner of the +premises fresh deposits of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of +the incident at length begat serious meditation. “Wife,” said I, “whose +boards and timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know +anything about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not like +the neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask permission +first.” + +She regarded me with a pitying smile. + +“Why, old man, don’t you know I am building a new barn? Didn’t you know +that, old man?” + +This is the poor old lady that was accusing me of tyrannizing over her. + +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility of her +proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was +for a modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far +as I could see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a +sort of irregular archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate +the chimney at some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully +avoiding dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly +steering clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the +enterprising traveler from the front door all the way into the +dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold +stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero’s when he schemed +his grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, +that, had her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights hung +at judicious intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might +have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through the masonry, and +actually emerging into the dining-room, and once there, it would have +been inhospitable treatment of such a traveler to have denied him a +recruiting meal. + +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end +confine her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her ambition was +of the mounting order. She ascended with her schemes to the second +floor, and so to the attic. Perhaps there was some small ground for her +discontent with things as they were. The truth is, there was no regular +passage-way up-stairs or down, unless we again except that little +orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this was owing to the +chimney, which my gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as the +bully of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers +sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney +would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, +almost every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an entry, +or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms—a whole suite of +entries, in fact. Going through the house, you seem to be forever going +somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is like losing one’s self in the +woods; round and round the chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, it +is just where you started, and so you begin again, and again get +nowhere. Indeed—though I say it not in the way of faultfinding at +all—never was there so labyrinthine an abode. Guests will tarry with me +several weeks and every now and then, be anew astonished at some +unforeseen apartment. + +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is +peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine +doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of places. A +stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, and naturally +taking no special heed at what door he entered, will, upon rising to +depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for instance, as opening +the first door that comes handy, and finding himself stealing up-stairs +by the back passage. Shutting that door, he will proceed to another, +and be aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he +surprises the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his +own unaided efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, +and in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as +any, was that of a certain stylish young gentleman, a great exquisite, +in whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found especial favor. He +called upon the young lady one evening, and found her alone in the +dining-room at her needlework. He stayed rather late; and after +abundance of superfine discourse, all the while retaining his hat and +cane, made his profuse adieus, and with repeated graceful bows +proceeded to depart, after the fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and +by so doing, opening a door at random, with one hand placed behind, +very effectually succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where +he carefully shut himself up, wondering there was no light in the +entry. After several strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he +reappeared through the same door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, and, +with a deeply embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at +which of the nine he should find exit. When the mischievous Anna told +me the story, she said it was surprising how unaffected and +matter-of-fact the young gentleman’s manner was after his reappearance. +He was more candid than ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust +his white kids into an open drawer of Havana sugar, under the +impression, probably, that being what they call “a sweet fellow,” his +route might possibly lie in that direction. + +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment +of a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him +and it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just +as queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like +London’s city guest, the king, at Temple-Bar. + +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually +complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition—in +toto to abolish the chimney. + +“What!” said I, “abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of +anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and +chimneys out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes +from the ground. Besides,” added I, “the chimney is the one grand +permanence of this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future +ages, when all the house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will +still survive—a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can’t abolish my +backbone.” + +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, with +both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was +persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter +into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a +master-mason—a rough sort of architect—one Mr. Scribe, was summoned to +a conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous +introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not +a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for +some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, +extorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an +unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of +the matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though +up-stairs it was noon, below it was night. + +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over +head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass +of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum +of the great god Apis. + +“This is a most remarkable structure, sir,” said the master-mason, +after long contemplating it in silence, “a most remarkable structure, +sir.” + +“Yes,” said I complacently, “every one says so.” + +“But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the +magnitude of this foundation, sir,” eyeing it critically. + +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. + +“Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this +house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of +your chimney.” + +“Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now,” I added, “would you +have such a famous chimney abolished?” + +“I wouldn’t have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift,” was the +reply. “It’s a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that in +retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and +forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable +interest upon a considerable principal?” + +“How?” + +“Look, sir!” said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and +figuring against a whitewashed wall, “twenty times eight is so and so; +then forty-two times thirty—nine is so and so—ain’t it, sir? Well, add +those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so,” +still chalking away. + +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that my +chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd +valuable bricks. + +“No more,” said I fidgeting. “Pray now, let us have a look above.” + +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and +second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway +by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand. + +“Well, sir,” said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help himself, +fumbling with his hat, “well, sir, I think it can be done.” + +“What, pray, Mr. Scribe; _what_ can be done?” + +“Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think.” + +“I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe,” said I, turning the knob and +bowing him towards the open space without, “I will _think_ of it, sir; +it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. +Scribe.” + +“It is all arranged, then,” cried my wife with great glee, bursting +from the nighest room. + +“When will they begin?” demanded my daughter Julia. + +“To-morrow?” asked Anna. + +“Patience, patience, my dears,” said I, “such a big chimney is not to +be abolished in a minute.” + +Next morning it began again. + +“You remember the chimney,” said my wife. “Wife,” said I, “it is never +out of my house and never out of my mind.” + +“But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?” asked Anna. + +“Not to-day, Anna,” said I. + +“_When_, then?” demanded Julia, in alarm. + +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for +ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of +bells, always chiming together, or taking up each other’s melodies at +every pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and +pealing, and chiming, I confess; but then, the most silvery of bells +may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as merrily play. And as touching +the subject in question, it became so now. Perceiving a strange relapse +of opposition in me, wife and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, +melancholy tolling over it. + +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed +finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the +monument of what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not +answer, the next day, she gave me to understand that either she or the +chimney must quit the house. + +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over +them awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our +hearts went with the plan, yet for peace’ sake, I might write out the +chimney’s death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to +Mr. Scribe. + +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so +much together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my +pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or +rather, the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, conspired together, +as it were, against our unsuspicious old comrade—this may seem rather +strange, if not suggestive of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, +we, sons of clay, that is my pipe and I, are no whit better than the +rest. Far from us, indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our +crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was +which made us false to a mutual friend, as soon as his cause demanded a +vigorous vindication. But I rejoice to add, that better and braver +thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. + +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. + +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary +estimate. + +“I will do it for five hundred dollars,” said Mr. Scribe at last, again +hat in hand. + +“Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it,” replied I, again bowing +him to the door. + +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again he +withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old +exclamations. + +The truth is, resolve how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney +could not be parted. + +“So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for +it,” said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, +half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most +energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell +domestic despot. So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, +those which saw me quite across the grain, I, as in the present +instance, stand with however little steadfastness on the defence, she +is sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first +opportunity to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, +the first newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, +after being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating +his long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched off its +hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, +suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall scored with the +butcher’s and baker’s bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful +account. + +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no +further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, but beneath +which, as in the sea, there was no knowing what portentous movements +might be going on. She frequently went abroad, and in a direction which +I thought not unsuspicious; namely, in the direction of New Petra, a +griffin-like house of wood and stucco, in the highest style of +ornamental art, graced with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons +spouting smoke from their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr. +Scribe, which he had built for the purpose of a standing advertisement, +not more of his taste as an architect, than his solidity as a +master-mason. + +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my +wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have +no correspondents except Solomon, with whom, in his sentiments, at +least, I entirely correspond, the note occasioned me some little +surprise, which was not diminished upon reading the following:— + +NEW PETRA, April 1st. + + +SIR—During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may have +noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner apparently +unnecessary. Possibly also, at the same time, you might have observed +in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from +giving any verbal expression. + +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then but a +dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance to, +but which now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little +probability, it may be important that you should not remain in further +ignorance of. + +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural +cause to conjecture that somewhere concealed in your chimney is a +reserved space, hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or +rather closet. How long it has been there, it is for me impossible to +say. What it contains is hid, with itself, in darkness. But probably a +secret closet would not have been contrived except for some +extraordinary object, whether for the concealment of treasure, or what +other purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history +of the house to guess. + +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. +Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of +indifference to me; though, I confess, as respects the character of the +closet, I cannot but share in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you +may be guided aright, in determining whether it is Christian-like +knowingly to reside in a house, hidden in which is a secret closet, + + +I remain, +With much respect, +Yours very humbly, +HIRAM SCRIBE. + + +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged mystery +of manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none such had I at +all observed in the master-mason during his surveys—but of my late +kinsman, Captain Julian Dacres, long a ship-master and merchant in the +Indian trade, who, about thirty years ago, and at the ripe age of +ninety, died a bachelor, and in this very house, which he had built. He +was supposed to have retired into this country with a large fortune. +But to the general surprise, after being at great cost in building +himself this mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved, and +inexpensive old age, which by the neighbors was thought all the better +for his heirs: but lo! upon opening the will, his property was found to +consist but of the house and grounds, and some ten thousand dollars in +stocks; but the place, being found heavily mortgaged, was in +consequence sold. Gossip had its day, and left the grass quietly to +creep over the captain’s grave, where he still slumbers in a privacy as +unmolested as if the billows of the Indian Ocean, instead of the +billows of inland verdure, rolled over him. Still, I remembered long +ago, hearing strange solutions whispered by the country people for the +mystery involving his will, and, by reflex, himself; and that, too, as +well in conscience as purse. But people who could circulate the report +(which they did), that Captain Julian Dacres had, in his day, been a +Borneo pirate, surely were not worthy of credence in their collateral +notions. It is queer what wild whimsies of rumors will, like +toadstools, spring up about any eccentric stranger, who, settling down +among a rustic population, keeps quietly to himself. With some, +inoffensiveness would seem a prime cause of offense. But what chiefly +had led me to scout at these rumors, particularly as referring to +concealed treasure, was the circumstance, that the stranger (the same +who razeed the roof and the chimney) into whose hands the estate had +passed on my kinsman’s death, was of that sort of character, that had +there been the least ground for those reports, he would speedily have +tested them, by tearing down and rummaging the walls. + +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the memory +of my kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been mysterious, +or at least unexplained, about him; vague flashings of ingots united in +my mind with vague gleamings of skulls. But the first cool thought soon +dismissed such chimeras; and, with a calm smile, I turned towards my +wife, who, meantime, had been sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare +say, to know who could have taken it into his head to write me a +letter. + +“Well, old man,” said she, “who is it from, and what is it about?” + +“Read it, wife,” said I, handing it. + +Read it she did, and then—such an explosion! I will not pretend to +describe her emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that my +daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement. Although they +had never before dreamed of such a revelation as Mr. Scribe’s; yet upon +the first suggestion they instinctively saw the extreme likelihood of +it. In corroboration, they cited first my kinsman, and second, my +chimney; alleging that the profound mystery involving the former, and +the equally profound masonry involving the latter, though both +acknowledged facts, were alike preposterous on any other supposition +than the secret closet. + +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be hidden +from me that my credulity in this instance would operate very favorably +to a certain plan of theirs? How to get to the secret closet, or how to +have any certainty about it at all, without making such fell work with +the chimney as to render its set destruction superfluous? That my wife +wished to get rid of the chimney, it needed no reflection to show; and +that Mr. Scribe, for all his pretended disinterestedness, was not +opposed to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation, seemed +equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads together with +Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I consider +her enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with which at the +last she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by hook or by crook she +can, especially after having been once baffled, why, I scarcely knew at +what step of hers to be surprised. + +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should not +budge. + +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, where I +had noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for its doughty +exploits in the way of scratching into forbidden inclosures, had been +rewarded by its master with a portentous, four-pronged, wooden +decoration, in the shape of a collar of the Order of the Garotte. This +gander I cornered and rummaging out its stiffest quill, plucked it, +took it home, and making a stiff pen, inscribed the following stiff +note: + +CHIMNEY SIDE, April 2. + + +_Mr. Scribe._ + +SIR:—For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks and +compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that + + +We shall remain, +Very faithfully, +The same, +I AND MY CHIMNEY. + + +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp raps. +But having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. Scribe’s note +had not altered my mind one jot, my wife, to move me, among other +things said, that if she remembered aright, there was a statute placing +the keeping in private houses of secret closets on the same unlawful +footing with the keeping of gunpowder. But it had no effect. + +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. + +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who sat up, +one in each chimney-corner; she, needles in hand, indefatigably +knitting a sock; I, pipe in mouth, indolently weaving my vapors. + +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was a fire +on the hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and heavy; the +wood, by an oversight, of the sort called soggy. + +“Do look at the chimney,” she began; “can’t you see that something must +be in it?” + +“Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. Scribe’s +note.” + +“Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old +sinners do smoke!—this wicked old chimney and you.” + +“Wife,” said I, “I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke together, +it is true, but we don’t like to be called names.” + +“Now, dear old man,” said she, softening down, and a little shifting +the subject, “when you think of that old kinsman of yours, you _know_ +there must be a secret closet in this chimney.” + +“Secret ash-hole, wife, why don’t you have it? Yes, I dare say there is +a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to that +we drop down the queer hole yonder?” + +“I know where they go to; I’ve been there almost as many times as the +cat.” + +“What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don’t you +know that St. Dunstan’s devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will get +your death one of these days, exploring all about as you do. But +supposing there be a secret closet, what then?” + +“What then? why what should be in a secret closet but—” + +“Dry bones, wife,” broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. + +“There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes,” wiping her +eyes with her handkerchief. “I’ve no doubt the reason it smokes so is, +because that secret closet interferes with the flue. Do see, too, how +the jambs here keep settling; and it’s down hill all the way from the +door to this hearth. This horrid old chimney will fall on our heads +yet; depend upon it, old man.” + +“Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every dependence on +my chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, am settling, you +know, in my gait. I and my chimney are settling together, and shall +keep settling, too, till, as in a great feather-bed, we shall both have +settled away clean out of sight. But this secret oven; I mean, secret +closet of yours, wife; where exactly do you suppose that secret closet +is?” + +“That is for Mr. Scribe to say.” + +“But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?” + +“Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or other +in this horrid old chimney.” + +“And if he can’t prove that; what, then?” + +“Why then, old man,” with a stately air, “I shall say little more about +it.” + +“Agreed, wife,” returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the jamb, +“and now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. Scribe. Wife, +the sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this pipe on the mantel.” + +“If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old chimney, +this abominable old-fashioned old chimney’s mantels are so high, I +can’t reach them.” + +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate fling +at the pile. + +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that besides the +fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most haphazard way, +excavated on each floor for certain curious out-of-the-way cupboards +and closets, of all sorts and sizes, clinging here and there, like +nests in the crotches of some old oak. On the second floor these +closets were by far the most irregular and numerous. And yet this +should hardly have been so, since the theory of the chimney was, that +it pyramidically diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of its +square on the roof was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the +reduction must be methodically graduated from bottom to top. + +“Mr. Scribe,” said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, that +individual again came, “my object in sending for you this morning is, +not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor to have any +particular conversation about it, but simply to allow you every +reasonable facility for verifying, if you can, the conjecture +communicated in your note.” + +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my phlegmatic +reception, so different from what he had looked for; with much apparent +alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing open the cupboards on the +first floor, and peering into the closets on the second; measuring one +within, and then comparing that measurement with the measurement +without. Removing the fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no +sign of the hidden work yet. + +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling conceivable. +They, as it were, dovetailed into each other. They were of all shapes; +not one mathematically square room among them all—a peculiarity which +by the master-mason had not been unobserved. With a significant, not to +say portentous expression, he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring +the area of each room around it; then going down stairs, and out of +doors, he measured the entire ground area; then compared the sum total +of all the areas of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground +area; then, returning to me in no small excitement, announced that +there was a difference of no less than two hundred and odd square +feet—room enough, in all conscience, for a secret closet. + +“But, Mr. Scribe,” said I, stroking my chin, “have you allowed for the +walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, you know.” + +“Ah, I had forgotten that,” tapping his forehead; “but,” still +ciphering on his paper, “that will not make up the deficiency.” + +“But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many +fireplaces on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in short, +Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the legitimate chimney itself—some one +hundred and forty-four square feet or thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?” + +“How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too.” + +“Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?” + +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, “But we must now allow one +hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate chimney. My +position is, that within those undue limits the secret closet is +contained.” + +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: + +“Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay your +finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you believe this +secret closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand assist you, Mr. +Scribe?” + +“No, Sir, but a crowbar would,” he, with temper, rejoined. + +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I looked +at him with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat uneasy. More +than ever now I suspected a plot. I remembered what my wife had said +about abiding by the decision of Mr. Scribe. In a bland way, I resolved +to buy up the decision of Mr. Scribe. + +“Sir,” said I, “really, I am much obliged to you for this survey. It +has quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. Scribe, must +feel much relieved. Sir,” I added, “you have made three visits to the +chimney. With a business man, time is money. Here are fifty dollars, +Mr. Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned it. Your opinion is worth it. +And by the way,”—as he modestly received the money—“have you any +objections to give me a—a—little certificate—something, say, like a +steamboat certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have +surveyed my chimney, and found no reason to believe any unsoundness; in +short, any—any secret closet in it. Would you be so kind, Mr. Scribe?” + +“But, but, sir,” stammered he with honest hesitation. + +“Here, here are pen and paper,” said I, with entire assurance. + +Enough. + +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the dining-room +fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it would forever put at +rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my household. + +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old +chimney, still to this day my wife goes about it, with my daughter +Anna’s geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and then holding +her ear against it, as I have seen the physicians of life insurance +companies tap a man’s chest, and then incline over for the echo. +Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one, going about on this +phantom errand, and still following the sepulchral response of the +chimney, round and round, as if it were leading her to the threshold of +the secret closet. + +“How hollow it sounds,” she will hollowly cry. “Yes, I declare,” with +an emphatic tap, “there is a secret closet here. Here, in this very +spot. Hark! How hollow!” + +“Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid +chimney?” But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not me, but +their mother. + +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and return +to the genuine ground of attack—the unsightliness of so cumbrous a +pile, with comments upon the great addition of room to be gained by its +demolition, and the fine effect of the projected grand hall, and the +convenience resulting from the collateral running in one direction and +another of their various partitions. Not more ruthlessly did the Three +Powers partition away poor Poland, than my wife and daughters would +fain partition away my chimney. + +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our pipes, +my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, enlarging upon what +wonders are there, and what a shame it is, not to seek it out and +explore it. + +“Wife,” said I, upon one of these occasions, “why speak more of that +secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary testimony of a +master mason, elected by yourself to decide. Besides, even if there +were a secret closet, secret it should remain, and secret it shall. +Yes, wife, here for once I must say my say. Infinite sad mischief has +resulted from the profane bursting open of secret recesses. Though +standing in the heart of this house, though hitherto we have all +nestled about it, unsuspicious of aught hidden within, this chimney may +or may not have a secret closet. But if it have, it is my kinsman’s. To +break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. And that +wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a churchrobbing +gossip and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping varlet was Momus.” + +“Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and your Moses!” + +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not a fig +for my philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical +companionship, I and my chimney have to smoke and philosophize +together. And sitting up so late as we do at it, a mighty smoke it is +that we two smoky old philosophers make. + +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she does +that of the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in continual +dread lest, like the golden bowl, the pipes of me and my chimney shall +yet be broken. To stay that mad project of my wife’s, naught answers. +Or, rather, she herself is incessantly answering, incessantly besetting +me with her terrible alacrity for improvement, which is a softer name +for destruction. Scarce a day I do not find her with her tape-measure, +measuring for her grand hall, while Anna holds a yardstick on one side, +and Julia looks approvingly on from the other. Mysterious intimations +appear in the nearest village paper, signed “Claude,” to the effect +that a certain structure, standing on a certain hill, is a sad blemish +to an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous letters arrive, threatening +me with I know not what, unless I remove my chimney. Is it my wife, +too, or who, that sets up the neighbors to badgering me on the same +subject, and hinting to me that my chimney, like a huge elm, absorbs +all moisture from my garden? At night, also, my wife will start as from +sleep, professing to hear ghostly noises from the secret closet. +Assailed on all sides, and in all ways, small peace have I and my +chimney. + +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up, and remove from +the country. + +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a whole +portfolio of plans and estimates. Another time, upon returning after a +day’s absence, I discovered my wife standing before the chimney in +earnest conversation with a person whom I at once recognized as a +meddlesome architectural reformer, who, because he had no gift for +putting up anything, was ever intent upon pulling them down; in various +parts of the country having prevailed upon half-witted old folks to +destroy their old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. + +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early +morning from a visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, +narrowly escaped three brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at my +feet. Glancing up, what was my horror to see three savages, in blue +jean overalls, in the very act of commencing the long-threatened +attack. Aye, indeed, thinking of those three brickbats, I and my +chimney have had narrow escapes. + +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from home. My city +friends all wonder why I don’t come to see them, as in former times. +They think I am getting sour and unsocial. Some say that I have become +a sort of mossy old misanthrope, while all the time the fact is, I am +simply standing guard over my mossy old chimney; for it is resolved +between me and my chimney, that I and my chimney will never surrender. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following +the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use +of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for +copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very +easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation +of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project +Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may +do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected +by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark +license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the +Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country other than the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work +on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where + you are located before using this eBook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg™ License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format +other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain +Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +provided that: + +• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation.” + +• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ + works. + +• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of +the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set +forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ + +Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™'s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org. + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, +Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up +to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website +and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact. + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without +widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our website which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org. + +This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + diff --git a/2694-0.zip b/2694-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0aebb77 --- /dev/null +++ b/2694-0.zip diff --git a/2694-h.zip b/2694-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2218f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/2694-h.zip diff --git a/2694-h/2694-h.htm b/2694-h/2694-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..affbe72 --- /dev/null +++ b/2694-h/2694-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1970 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville</title> + +<style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } + +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5 {text-align: center; font-style: normal; font-weight: +normal; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: .5em;} + +h1 {font-size: 300%; + margin-top: 0.6em; + margin-bottom: 0.6em; + letter-spacing: 0.12em; + word-spacing: 0.2em; + text-indent: 0em;} +h2 {font-size: 150%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 1em;} +h3 {font-size: 130%; margin-top: 1em;} +h4 {font-size: 120%;} +h5 {font-size: 110%;} + +.no-break {page-break-before: avoid;} /* for epubs */ + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always; margin-top: 4em;} + +hr {width: 80%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + +.letter {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em;} + +p.right {text-align: right; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +a:link {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:hover {color:red} + +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: I and My Chimney</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Herman Melville</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July, 2001 [eBook #2694]<br /> +[Most recently updated: June 28, 2023]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Stephan J. Macaluso</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY ***</div> + +<h1>I and My Chimney</h1> + +<h2 class="no-break">By Herman Melville</h2> + +<hr /> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<p> +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. We are, I +may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, which settles more and +more every day. +</p> + +<p> +Though I always say, <i>I and my chimney</i>, as Cardinal Wolsey used to say, +“<i>I and my King</i>,” yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein +I take precedence of my chimney, is hardly borne out by the facts; in +everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of me. +</p> + +<p> +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney—a huge, corpulent +old Harry VIII of a chimney—rises full in front of me and all my +possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse’s +monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the first object +to greet the approaching traveler’s eye, nor is it the last which the sun +salutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving the first-fruits of the +seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; and every spring, as in a +hollow beech tree, the first swallows build their nests in it. +</p> + +<p> +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most manifest. +When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand to receive my guests +(who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see my chimney than me) I then stand, +not so much before, as, strictly speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, +the true host. Not that I demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I know +my place. +</p> + +<p> +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think that I +have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from standing behind my +old-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be quite behind the age too, as +well as running behindhand in everything else. But to tell the truth, I never +was a very forward old fellow, nor what my farming neighbors call a forehanded +one. Indeed, those rumors about my behindhandedness are so far correct, that I +have an odd sauntering way with me sometimes of going about with my hands +behind my back. As for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it +is, I bring up the rear of my chimney—which, by the way, is this moment before +me—and that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney is my superior; +my superior by I know not how many heads and shoulders; my superior, too, in +that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I much minister to it; yet never +does it minister, or incline over to me; but, if anything, in its settlings, +rather leans the other way. +</p> + +<p> +My chimney is grand seignior here—the one great domineering object, not +more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, in each +architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the most marked +manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney’s, which, among +other things, has the centre of the house to himself, leaving but the odd holes +and corners to me. +</p> + +<p> +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we may have +to expatiate. +</p> + +<p> +In those houses which are strictly double houses—that is, where the hall +is in the middle—the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; so that +while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire built into a +recess of the north wall, say another member, the former’s own brother, +perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a hearth in the south +wall—the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is this well? Be it put to +any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. Has it not a sort of sulky +appearance? But very probably this style of chimney building originated with +some architect afflicted with a quarrelsome family. +</p> + +<p> +Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate flue—separate +throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least such an arrangement is deemed +desirable. Does not this look egotistical, selfish? But still more, all these +separate flues, instead of having independent masonry establishments of their +own, or instead of being grouped together in one federal stock in the middle of +the house—instead of this, I say, each flue is surreptitiously +honey-combed into the walls; so that these last are here and there, or indeed +almost anywhere, treacherously hollow, and, in consequence, more or less weak. +Of course, the main reason of this style of chimney building is to economize +room. In cities, where lots are sold by the inch, small space is to spare for a +chimney constructed on magnanimous principles; and, as with most thin men, who +are generally tall, so with such houses, what is lacking in breadth, must be +made up in height. This remark holds true even with regard to many very stylish +abodes, built by the most stylish of gentlemen. And yet, when that stylish +gentleman, Louis le Grand of France, would build a palace for his lady, friend, +Madame de Maintenon, he built it but one story high—in fact in the +cottage style. But then, how uncommonly quadrangular, spacious, and +broad—horizontal acres, not vertical ones. Such is the palace, which, in +all its one-storied magnificence of Languedoc marble, in the garden of +Versailles, still remains to this day. Any man can buy a square foot of land +and plant a liberty-pole on it; but it takes a king to set apart whole acres +for a grand Trianon. +</p> + +<p> +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a necessity +has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is large rivalry in building tall +houses. If one gentleman builds his house four stories high, and another +gentleman comes next door and builds five stories high, then the former, not to +be looked down upon that way, immediately sends for his architect and claps a +fifth and a sixth story on top of his previous four. And, not till the +gentleman has achieved his aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by +twilight and observed how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor’s +fifth—not till then does he retire to his rest with satisfaction. +</p> + +<p> +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this emulous +conceit of soaring out of them. +</p> + +<p> +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, aught in +the above may appear like interested pleading, as if I did but fold myself +about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to tickle my individual +vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish upon my frankly conceding, +that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold last month for ten dollars an acre, +and thought a rash purchase at that; so that for wide houses hereabouts there +is plenty of room, and cheap. Indeed so cheap—dirt cheap—is the +soil, that our elms thrust out their roots in it, and hang their great boughs +over it, in the most lavish and reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are +sown broadcast, even peas and turnips. A farmer among us, who should go about +his twenty-acre field, poking his finger into it here and there, and dropping +down a mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, narrow-minded husbandman. +The dandelions in the river-meadows, and the forget-me-nots along the mountain +roads, you see at once they are put to no economy in space. Some seasons, too, +our rye comes up here and there a spear, sole and single like a church-spire. +It doesn’t care to crowd itself where it knows there is such a deal of +room. The world is wide, the world is all before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, +it is amazing how they spread. No such thing as arresting them—some of +our pastures being a sort of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, every +spring it is like Kossuth’s rising of what he calls the peoples. +Mountains, too, a regular camp-meeting of them. For the same reason, the same +all-sufficiency of room, our shadows march and countermarch, going through +their various drills and masterly evolutions, like the old imperial guard on +the Champs de Mars. As for the hills, especially where the roads cross them the +supervisors of our various towns have given notice to all concerned, that they +can come and dig them down and cart them off, and never a cent to pay, no more +than for the privilege of picking blackberries. The stranger who is buried +here, what liberal-hearted landed proprietor among us grudges him his six feet +of rocky pasture? +</p> + +<p> +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is trodden under +foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and chiefly for its three +great lions—the Great Oak, Ogg Mountain, and my chimney. +</p> + +<p> +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed two. That in +which I and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its height, from sill to +eaves—which accounts for the magnitude of its main content—besides +showing that in this house, as in this country at large, there is abundance of +space, and to spare, for both of us. +</p> + +<p> +The frame of the old house is of wood—which but the more sets forth the +solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the great wrought nails, +binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so are the huge +bricks in the chimney walls. The architect of the chimney must have had the +pyramid of Cheops before him; for, after that famous structure, it seems +modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the summit is considerably less, and +it is truncated. From the exact middle of the mansion it soars from the cellar, +right up through each successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water +from the ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest +of a billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razeed +observatory, masoned up. +</p> + +<p> +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon rather +delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch as many years ago the +original gable roof of the old house had become very leaky, a temporary +proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, cross-cut saws, and went +to sawing the old gable roof clean off. Off it went, with all its birds’ +nests, and dormer windows. It was replaced with a modern roof, more fit for a +railway wood-house than an old country gentleman’s abode. This +operation—razeeing the structure some fifteen feet—was, in effect +upon the chimney, something like the falling of the great spring tides. It left +uncommon low water all about the chimney—to abate which appearance, the +same person now proceeds to slice fifteen feet off the chimney itself, actually +beheading my royal old chimney—a regicidal act, which, were it not for +the palliating fact that he was a poulterer by trade, and, therefore, hardened +to such neck-wringings, should send that former proprietor down to posterity in +the same cart with Cromwell. +</p> + +<p> +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney inordinately widened +its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but only in the estimation of such as +have no eye to the picturesque. What care I, if, unaware that my chimney, as a +free citizen of this free land, stands upon an independent basis of its own, +people passing it, wonder how such a brick-kiln, as they call it, is supported +upon mere joists and rafters? What care I? I will give a traveler a cup of +switchel, if he want it; but am I bound to supply him with a sweet taste? Men +of cultivated minds see, in my old house and chimney, a goodly old +elephant-and-castle. +</p> + +<p> +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about to add. The +surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily brought into the open air a +part of the chimney previously under cover, and intended to remain so, and, +therefore, not built of what are called weather-bricks. In consequence, the +chimney, though of a vigorous constitution, suffered not a little, from so +naked an exposure; and, unable to acclimate itself, ere long began to +fail—showing blotchy symptoms akin to those in measles. Whereupon +travelers, passing my way, would wag their heads, laughing; “See that wax +nose—how it melts off!” But what cared I? The same travelers would +travel across the sea to view Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good +reason: that of all artists of the picturesque, decay wears the palm—I +would say, the ivy. In fact, I’ve often thought that the proper place for +my old chimney is ivied old England. +</p> + +<p> +In vain my wife—with what probable ulterior intent will, ere long, +appear—solemnly warned me, that unless something were done, and speedily, +we should be burnt to the ground, owing to the holes crumbling through the +aforesaid blotchy parts, where the chimney joined the roof. “Wife,” +said I, “far better that my house should burn down, than that my chimney +should be pulled down, though but a few feet. They call it a wax nose; very +good; not for me to tweak the nose of my superior.” But at last the man +who has a mortgage on the house dropped me a note, reminding me that, if my +chimney was allowed to stand in that invalid condition, my policy of insurance +would be void. This was a sort of hint not to be neglected. All the world over, +the picturesque yields to the pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the +mortgagee did. +</p> + +<p> +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, and a new one +fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression—being put up by a squint-eyed +mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch in the same side—the new nose +stands a little awry, in the same direction. +</p> + +<p> +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of the new part +are unreduced. +</p> + +<p> +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to its spaciousness +below. At its base in the cellar, it is precisely twelve feet square; and hence +covers precisely one hundred and forty-four superficial feet. What an +appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, and what a huge load for this +earth! In fact, it was only because I and my chimney formed no part of his +ancient burden, that that stout peddler, Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up +so bravely under his pack. The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. +But, like those stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having +passed over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this day? +</p> + +<p> +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that vast square of +masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and wonder at it. It has a druidical +look, away down in the umbrageous cellar there whose numerous vaulted passages, +and far glens of gloom, resemble the dark, damp depths of primeval woods. So +strongly did this conceit steal over me, so deeply was I penetrated with wonder +at the chimney, that one day—when I was a little out of my mind, I now +think—getting a spade from the garden, I set to work, digging round the +foundation, especially at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of +striking upon some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, when, into +all this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons laid the +foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an August sun, or pelted by a +March storm. Plying my blunted spade, how vexed was I by that ungracious +interruption of a neighbor who, calling to see me upon some business, and being +informed that I was below said I need not be troubled to come up, but he would +go down to me; and so, without ceremony, and without my having been forewarned, +suddenly discovered me, digging in my cellar. +</p> + +<p> +“Gold digging, sir?” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, sir,” answered I, starting, “I was +merely—ahem!—merely—I say I was merely digging-round my +chimney.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you regard +as too small, I suppose; needing further development, especially at the +top?” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir!” said I, throwing down the spade, “do not be personal. +I and my chimney—” +</p> + +<p> +“Personal?” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as a +personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and inferior +subject.” +</p> + +<p> +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or my chimney; and +never again did my visitor refer to it in my hearing, without coupling some +compliment with the mention. It well deserves a respectful consideration. There +it stands, solitary and alone—not a council—of ten flues, but, like +his sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of an autocrat. +</p> + +<p> +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does not look so +big—no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its magnitude can be but +imperfectly comprehended, because only one side can be received at one time; +and said side can only present twelve feet, linear measure. But then, each +other side also is twelve feet long; and the whole obviously forms a square and +twelve times twelve is one hundred and forty-four. And so, an adequate +conception of the magnitude of this chimney is only to be got at by a sort of +process in the higher mathematics by a method somewhat akin to those whereby +the surprising distances of fixed stars are computed. +</p> + +<p> +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely free from +fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle—in the one grand central +chimney, upon all four sides of which are hearths—two tiers of +hearths—so that when, in the various chambers, my family and guests are +warming themselves of a cold winter’s night, just before retiring, then, +though at the time they may not be thinking so, all their faces mutually look +towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one centre; and, when they go +to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round one warm chimney, like so many +Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round their one heap of embers. And just as the +Indians’ fire serves, not only to keep them comfortable, but also to keep +off wolves, and other savage monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at +top, keeps off prowling burglars from the towns—for what burglar or +murderer would dare break into an abode from whose chimney issues such a +continual smoke—betokening that if the inmates are not stirring, at least +fires are, and in case of an alarm, candles may readily be lighted, to say +nothing of muskets. +</p> + +<p> +But stately as is the chimney—yea, grand high altar as it is, right +worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of Rome, and all his +cardinals—yet what is there perfect in this world? Caius Julius Caesar, +had he not been so inordinately great, they say that Brutus, Cassius, Antony, +and the rest, had been greater. My chimney, were it not so mighty in its +magnitude, my chambers had been larger. How often has my wife ruefully told me, +that my chimney, like the English aristocracy, casts a contracting shade all +round it. She avers that endless domestic inconveniences arise—more +particularly from the chimney’s stubborn central locality. The grand +objection with her is, that it stands midway in the place where a fine +entrance-hall ought to be. In truth, there is no hall whatever to the +house—nothing but a sort of square landing-place, as you enter from the +wide front door. A roomy enough landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to +the dignity of a hall. Now, as the front door is precisely in the middle of the +front of the house, inwards it faces the chimney. In fact, the opposite wall of +the landing-place is formed solely by the chimney; and hence-owing to the +gradual tapering of the chimney—is a little less than twelve feet in +width. Climbing the chimney in this part, is the principal +staircase—which, by three abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, +mounts to the second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort of narrow +gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to chambers on either +hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and so, looking down upon the stairs, +and all those landing-places together, with the main one at bottom, resembles +not a little a balcony for musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times +Elizabethan. Shall I tell a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs there, and many a +time arrest Biddy in the act of brushing them with her broom, and have many a +quarrel with my wife and daughters about it. +</p> + +<p> +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the house, that +ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, not the first. The two +floors are made one here; so that ascending this turning stairs, you seem going +up into a kind of soaring tower, or lighthouse. At the second landing, midway +up the chimney, is a mysterious door, entering to a mysterious closet; and here +I keep mysterious cordials, of a choice, mysterious flavor, made so by the +constant nurturing and subtle ripening of the chimney’s gentle heat, +distilled through that warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than +voyages to the Indias; my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a +November day is as good for an invalid as a long season spent in Cuba. Often I +think how grapes might ripen against my chimney. How my wife’s geraniums +bud there! Bud in December. Her eggs, too—can’t keep them near the +chimney, on account of the hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my chimney. +</p> + +<p> +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand entrance-hall of hers, +which was to be knocked clean through the chimney, from one end of the house to +the other, and astonish all guests by its generous amplitude. “But, +wife,” said I, “the chimney—consider the chimney: if you +demolish the foundation, what is to support the superstructure?” +“Oh, that will rest on the second floor.” The truth is, women know +next to nothing about the realities of architecture. However, my wife still +talked of running her entries and partitions. She spent many long nights +elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall through the +chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere spear of sorrel-top. At +last, I gently reminded her that, little as she might fancy it, the chimney was +a fact—a sober, substantial fact, which, in all her plannings, it would +be well to take into full consideration. But this was not of much avail. +</p> + +<p> +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few words about +this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years nearly old as myself, in spirit +she is young as my little sorrel mare, Trigger, that threw me last fall. What +is extraordinary, though she comes of a rheumatic family, she is straight as a +pine, never has any aches; while for me with the sciatica, I am sometimes as +crippled up as any old apple-tree. But she has not so much as a toothache. As +for her hearing—let me enter the house in my dusty boots, and she away up +in the attic. And for her sight—Biddy, the housemaid, tells other +people’s housemaids, that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser +straight through the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her +faculties are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse dying +of torpor. The longest night in the year I’ve known her lie awake, +planning her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural projector. The maxim, +“Whatever is, is right,” is not hers. Her maxim is, Whatever is, is +wrong; and what is more, must be altered; and what is still more, must be +altered right away. Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old dreamer like me, +who dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a sabbatical horror of +industry, will, on a week day, go out of my road a quarter of a mile, to avoid +the sight of a man at work. +</p> + +<p> +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have been just the +wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How she would have set in order +that huge littered empire of the one, and with indefatigable painstaking picked +the peck of pickled peppers for the other. +</p> + +<p> +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. Her youthful +incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still plainer fact of death, hardly +seems Christian. Advanced in years, as she knows she must be, my wife seems to +think that she is to teem on, and be inexhaustible forever. She doesn’t +believe in old age. At that strange promise in the plain of Mamre, my old wife, +unlike old Abraham’s, would not have jeeringly laughed within herself. +</p> + +<p> +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my chimney, smoking +my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at my feet, and ashes not +unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am thus in a comfortable sort of not +unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy enough way, reminded of the ultimate exhaustion +even of the most fiery life; judge how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my +wife must come, sometimes, it is true, with a moral and a calm, but oftener +with a breeze and a ruffle. +</p> + +<p> +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by how cogent a +fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While spicily impatient of present +and past, like a glass of ginger-beer she overflows with her schemes; and, with +like energy as she puts down her foot, puts down her preserves and her pickles, +and lives with them in a continual future; or ever full of expectations both +from time and space, is ever restless for newspapers, and ravenous for letters. +Content with the years that are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, and +looking for no new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I have not a +single scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal resistance of the undue +encroachment of hers. +</p> + +<p> +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly loving old +Montaigne, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing young people, hot rolls, +new books, and early potatoes and very fond of my old claw-footed chair, and +old club-footed Deacon White, my neighbor, and that still nigher old neighbor, +my betwisted old grape-vine, that of a summer evening leans in his elbow for +cosy company at my window-sill, while I, within doors, lean over mine to meet +his; and above all, high above all, am fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But +she, out of the infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but newness; for +that cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in spring, as if she were +own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving after all sorts of salads and +spinages, and more particularly green cucumbers (though all the time nature +rebukes such unsuitable young hankerings in so elderly a person, by never +permitting such things to agree with her), and has an itch after +recently-discovered fine prospects (so no graveyard be in the background), and +also after Swedenborgianism, and the Spirit Rapping philosophy, with other new +views, alike in things natural and unnatural; and immortally hopeful, is +forever making new flower-beds even on the north side of the house where the +bleak mountain wind would scarce allow the wiry weed called hard-hack to gain a +thorough footing; and on the road-side sets out mere pipe-stems of young elms; +though there is no hope of any shade from them, except over the ruins of her +great granddaughter’s gravestones; and won’t wear caps, but plaits +her gray hair; and takes the Ladies’ Magazine for the fashions; and +always buys her new almanac a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and +to the warmest sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at odd hours +with her new course of history, and her French, and her music; and likes a +young company; and offers to ride young colts; and sets out young suckers in +the orchard; and has a spite against my elbowed old grape-vine, and my +club-footed old neighbor, and my claw-footed old chair, and above all, high +above all, would fain persecute, unto death, my high-mantled old chimney. By +what perverse magic, I a thousand times think, does such a very autumnal old +lady have such a very vernal young soul? When I would remonstrate at times, she +spins round on me with, “Oh, don’t you grumble, old man (she always +calls me old man), it’s I, young I, that keep you from stagnating.” +Well, I suppose it is so. Yea, after all, these things are well ordered. My +wife, as one of her poor relations, good soul, intimates, is the salt of the +earth, and none the less the salt of my sea, which otherwise were unwholesome. +She is its monsoon, too, blowing a brisk gale over it, in the one steady +direction of my chimney. +</p> + +<p> +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently made me +propositions to take upon herself all the responsibilities of my affairs. She +is desirous that, domestically, I should abdicate; that, renouncing further +rule, like the venerable Charles V, I should retire into some sort of +monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have little authority to lay +down. By my wife’s ingenious application of the principle that certain +things belong of right to female jurisdiction, I find myself, through my easy +compliances, insensibly stripped by degrees of one masculine prerogative after +another. In a dream I go about my fields, a sort of lazy, happy-go-lucky, +good-for-nothing, loafing old Lear. Only by some sudden revelation am I +reminded who is over me; as year before last, one day seeing in one corner of +the premises fresh deposits of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of the +incident at length begat serious meditation. “Wife,” said I, +“whose boards and timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you +know anything about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not like the +neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask permission first.” +</p> + +<p> +She regarded me with a pitying smile. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, old man, don’t you know I am building a new barn? +Didn’t you know that, old man?” +</p> + +<p> +This is the poor old lady that was accusing me of tyrannizing over her. +</p> + +<p> +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility of her +proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was for a +modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far as I could +see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a sort of irregular +archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate the chimney at some +convenient point under the staircase, and carefully avoiding dangerous contact +with the fireplaces, and particularly steering clear of the great interior +flue, was to conduct the enterprising traveler from the front door all the way +into the dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold +stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero’s when he schemed +his grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, that, had +her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights hung at judicious +intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might have succeeded in +future ages in penetrating through the masonry, and actually emerging into the +dining-room, and once there, it would have been inhospitable treatment of such +a traveler to have denied him a recruiting meal. +</p> + +<p> +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end confine +her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her ambition was of the mounting +order. She ascended with her schemes to the second floor, and so to the attic. +Perhaps there was some small ground for her discontent with things as they +were. The truth is, there was no regular passage-way up-stairs or down, unless +we again except that little orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this +was owing to the chimney, which my gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to +regard as the bully of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the +chambers sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney +would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, almost +every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an entry, or passage-way +to other rooms, and systems of rooms—a whole suite of entries, in fact. +Going through the house, you seem to be forever going somewhere, and getting +nowhere. It is like losing one’s self in the woods; round and round the +chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, it is just where you started, and so +you begin again, and again get nowhere. Indeed—though I say it not in the +way of faultfinding at all—never was there so labyrinthine an abode. +Guests will tarry with me several weeks and every now and then, be anew +astonished at some unforeseen apartment. +</p> + +<p> +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is peculiarly +noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine doors, opening in +all directions, and into all sorts of places. A stranger for the first time +entering this dining-room, and naturally taking no special heed at what door he +entered, will, upon rising to depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for +instance, as opening the first door that comes handy, and finding himself +stealing up-stairs by the back passage. Shutting that door, he will proceed to +another, and be aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he +surprises the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his own +unaided efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, and in good +time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as any, was that of a +certain stylish young gentleman, a great exquisite, in whose judicious eyes my +daughter Anna had found especial favor. He called upon the young lady one +evening, and found her alone in the dining-room at her needlework. He stayed +rather late; and after abundance of superfine discourse, all the while +retaining his hat and cane, made his profuse adieus, and with repeated graceful +bows proceeded to depart, after the fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and by +so doing, opening a door at random, with one hand placed behind, very +effectually succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where he carefully +shut himself up, wondering there was no light in the entry. After several +strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he reappeared through the same +door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, and, with a deeply embarrassed air, +requested my daughter to designate at which of the nine he should find exit. +When the mischievous Anna told me the story, she said it was surprising how +unaffected and matter-of-fact the young gentleman’s manner was after his +reappearance. He was more candid than ever, to be sure; having inadvertently +thrust his white kids into an open drawer of Havana sugar, under the +impression, probably, that being what they call “a sweet fellow,” his route +might possibly lie in that direction. +</p> + +<p> +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment of a +guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him and it. To +direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just as queer in him to +be knocking at every door on his route, like London’s city guest, the +king, at Temple-Bar. +</p> + +<p> +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually complained. +At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition—in toto to abolish +the chimney. +</p> + +<p> +“What!” said I, “abolish the chimney? To take out the +backbone of anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and +chimneys out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes from the +ground. Besides,” added I, “the chimney is the one grand permanence +of this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future ages, when all the +house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will still survive—a +Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can’t abolish my backbone.” +</p> + +<p> +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, with both +wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was persuaded to think +a little better of it; in short, to take the matter into preliminary +consideration. At length it came to pass that a master-mason—a rough sort +of architect—one Mr. Scribe, was summoned to a conference. I formally +introduced him to my chimney. A previous introduction from my wife had +introduced him to myself. He had been not a little employed by that lady, in +preparing plans and estimates for some of her extensive operations in drainage. +Having, with much ado, extorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave +us to an unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of +the matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though up-stairs it +was noon, below it was night. +</p> + +<p> +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over head, and +with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass of the chimney, +seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum of the great god Apis. +</p> + +<p> +“This is a most remarkable structure, sir,” said the master-mason, +after long contemplating it in silence, “a most remarkable structure, +sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes,” said I complacently, “every one says so.” +</p> + +<p> +“But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the +magnitude of this foundation, sir,” eyeing it critically. +</p> + +<p> +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. +</p> + +<p> +“Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this +house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of your +chimney.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now,” I added, +“would you have such a famous chimney abolished?” +</p> + +<p> +“I wouldn’t have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift,” was +the reply. “It’s a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, +that in retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and +forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable interest +upon a considerable principal?” +</p> + +<p> +“How?” +</p> + +<p> +“Look, sir!” said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, +and figuring against a whitewashed wall, “twenty times eight is so and +so; then forty-two times thirty—nine is so and so—ain’t it, +sir? Well, add those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and +so,” still chalking away. +</p> + +<p> +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that my chimney +contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd valuable bricks. +</p> + +<p> +“No more,” said I fidgeting. “Pray now, let us have a look +above.” +</p> + +<p> +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and second +floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway by the front +door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, sir,” said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help +himself, fumbling with his hat, “well, sir, I think it can be +done.” +</p> + +<p> +“What, pray, Mr. Scribe; <i>what</i> can be done?” +</p> + +<p> +“Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think.” +</p> + +<p> +“I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe,” said I, turning the knob and +bowing him towards the open space without, “I will <i>think</i> of it, +sir; it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. +Scribe.” +</p> + +<p> +“It is all arranged, then,” cried my wife with great glee, bursting +from the nighest room. +</p> + +<p> +“When will they begin?” demanded my daughter Julia. +</p> + +<p> +“To-morrow?” asked Anna. +</p> + +<p> +“Patience, patience, my dears,” said I, “such a big chimney +is not to be abolished in a minute.” +</p> + +<p> +Next morning it began again. +</p> + +<p> +“You remember the chimney,” said my wife. “Wife,” said +I, “it is never out of my house and never out of my mind.” +</p> + +<p> +“But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?” asked Anna. +</p> + +<p> +“Not to-day, Anna,” said I. +</p> + +<p> +“<i>When</i>, then?” demanded Julia, in alarm. +</p> + +<p> +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for ding-donging +at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of bells, always chiming +together, or taking up each other’s melodies at every pause, my wife the +key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and pealing, and chiming, I confess; +but then, the most silvery of bells may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as +merrily play. And as touching the subject in question, it became so now. +Perceiving a strange relapse of opposition in me, wife and daughters began a +soft and dirge-like, melancholy tolling over it. +</p> + +<p> +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed finger, +that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the monument of +what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not answer, the next +day, she gave me to understand that either she or the chimney must quit the +house. +</p> + +<p> +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over them +awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our hearts went with +the plan, yet for peace’ sake, I might write out the chimney’s +death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to Mr. Scribe. +</p> + +<p> +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so much +together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my pipe consented +to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or rather, the way in which +I and my pipe, in secret, conspired together, as it were, against our +unsuspicious old comrade—this may seem rather strange, if not suggestive +of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, we, sons of clay, that is my pipe +and I, are no whit better than the rest. Far from us, indeed, to have +volunteered the betrayal of our crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But +that love of peace it was which made us false to a mutual friend, as soon as +his cause demanded a vigorous vindication. But I rejoice to add, that better +and braver thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. +</p> + +<p> +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. +</p> + +<p> +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary estimate. +</p> + +<p> +“I will do it for five hundred dollars,” said Mr. Scribe at last, +again hat in hand. +</p> + +<p> +“Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it,” replied I, again +bowing him to the door. +</p> + +<p> +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again he +withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old exclamations. +</p> + +<p> +The truth is, resolve how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney could +not be parted. +</p> + +<p> +“So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for +it,” said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, +half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most energetic +assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell domestic despot. +So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, those which saw me quite +across the grain, I, as in the present instance, stand with however little +steadfastness on the defence, she is sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one +takes the first opportunity to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an +evening, the first newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, +after being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating his +long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched off its hinges, and +then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, suicidally turns inward +towards the broken wall scored with the butcher’s and baker’s +bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful account. +</p> + +<p> +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no further +reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, but beneath which, as in the sea, +there was no knowing what portentous movements might be going on. She +frequently went abroad, and in a direction which I thought not unsuspicious; +namely, in the direction of New Petra, a griffin-like house of wood and stucco, +in the highest style of ornamental art, graced with four chimneys in the form +of erect dragons spouting smoke from their nostrils; the elegant modern +residence of Mr. Scribe, which he had built for the purpose of a standing +advertisement, not more of his taste as an architect, than his solidity as a +master-mason. +</p> + +<p> +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my wife, +with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have no +correspondents except Solomon, with whom, in his sentiments, at least, I +entirely correspond, the note occasioned me some little surprise, which was not +diminished upon reading the following:— +</p> + +<p class="right"> +N<small>EW</small> P<small>ETRA</small>, April 1st. +</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<p> +S<small>IR</small>—During my last examination of your chimney, possibly +you may have noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner +apparently unnecessary. Possibly also, at the same time, you might have +observed in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from +giving any verbal expression. +</p> + +<p> +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then but a dim +suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance to, but which +now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little probability, it +may be important that you should not remain in further ignorance of. +</p> + +<p> +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural cause to +conjecture that somewhere concealed in your chimney is a reserved space, +hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or rather closet. How long it +has been there, it is for me impossible to say. What it contains is hid, with +itself, in darkness. But probably a secret closet would not have been contrived +except for some extraordinary object, whether for the concealment of treasure, +or what other purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history +of the house to guess. +</p> + +<p> +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. Whatever +step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of indifference to me; +though, I confess, as respects the character of the closet, I cannot but share +in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you may be guided aright, in determining +whether it is Christian-like knowingly to reside in a house, hidden in which is +a secret closet, +</p> +</div> + +<p class="right"> +I remain, <br/> +With much respect, <br/> +Yours very humbly, <br/> +H<small>IRAM</small> S<small>CRIBE</small>. +</p> + +<p> +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged mystery of +manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none such had I at all observed +in the master-mason during his surveys—but of my late kinsman, Captain +Julian Dacres, long a ship-master and merchant in the Indian trade, who, about +thirty years ago, and at the ripe age of ninety, died a bachelor, and in this +very house, which he had built. He was supposed to have retired into this +country with a large fortune. But to the general surprise, after being at great +cost in building himself this mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved, +and inexpensive old age, which by the neighbors was thought all the better for +his heirs: but lo! upon opening the will, his property was found to consist but +of the house and grounds, and some ten thousand dollars in stocks; but the +place, being found heavily mortgaged, was in consequence sold. Gossip had its +day, and left the grass quietly to creep over the captain’s grave, where +he still slumbers in a privacy as unmolested as if the billows of the Indian +Ocean, instead of the billows of inland verdure, rolled over him. Still, I +remembered long ago, hearing strange solutions whispered by the country people +for the mystery involving his will, and, by reflex, himself; and that, too, as +well in conscience as purse. But people who could circulate the report (which +they did), that Captain Julian Dacres had, in his day, been a Borneo pirate, +surely were not worthy of credence in their collateral notions. It is queer +what wild whimsies of rumors will, like toadstools, spring up about any +eccentric stranger, who, settling down among a rustic population, keeps quietly +to himself. With some, inoffensiveness would seem a prime cause of offense. But +what chiefly had led me to scout at these rumors, particularly as referring to +concealed treasure, was the circumstance, that the stranger (the same who +razeed the roof and the chimney) into whose hands the estate had passed on my +kinsman’s death, was of that sort of character, that had there been the +least ground for those reports, he would speedily have tested them, by tearing +down and rummaging the walls. +</p> + +<p> +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the memory of my +kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been mysterious, or at least +unexplained, about him; vague flashings of ingots united in my mind with vague +gleamings of skulls. But the first cool thought soon dismissed such chimeras; +and, with a calm smile, I turned towards my wife, who, meantime, had been +sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare say, to know who could have taken it +into his head to write me a letter. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, old man,” said she, “who is it from, and what is it +about?” +</p> + +<p> +“Read it, wife,” said I, handing it. +</p> + +<p> +Read it she did, and then—such an explosion! I will not pretend to describe her +emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that my daughters were quickly +called in to share the excitement. Although they had never before dreamed of +such a revelation as Mr. Scribe’s; yet upon the first suggestion they +instinctively saw the extreme likelihood of it. In corroboration, they cited +first my kinsman, and second, my chimney; alleging that the profound mystery +involving the former, and the equally profound masonry involving the latter, +though both acknowledged facts, were alike preposterous on any other +supposition than the secret closet. +</p> + +<p> +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be hidden from me +that my credulity in this instance would operate very favorably to a certain +plan of theirs? How to get to the secret closet, or how to have any certainty +about it at all, without making such fell work with the chimney as to render +its set destruction superfluous? That my wife wished to get rid of the chimney, +it needed no reflection to show; and that Mr. Scribe, for all his pretended +disinterestedness, was not opposed to pocketing five hundred dollars by the +operation, seemed equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads +together with Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I +consider her enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with which at the +last she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by hook or by crook she can, +especially after having been once baffled, why, I scarcely knew at what step of +hers to be surprised. +</p> + +<p> +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should not budge. +</p> + +<p> +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, where I had +noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for its doughty exploits in the +way of scratching into forbidden inclosures, had been rewarded by its master +with a portentous, four-pronged, wooden decoration, in the shape of a collar of +the Order of the Garotte. This gander I cornered and rummaging out its stiffest +quill, plucked it, took it home, and making a stiff pen, inscribed the +following stiff note: +</p> + +<p class="right"> +C<small>HIMNEY</small> S<small>IDE</small>, April 2. +</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<p> +<i>Mr. Scribe.</i> +</p> + +<p> +S<small>IR</small>:—For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks +and compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that +</p> +</div> + +<p class="right"> +We shall remain, <br/> +Very faithfully, <br/> +The same, <br/> +I <small>AND MY</small> C<small>HIMNEY</small>. +</p> + +<p> +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp raps. But having +at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. Scribe’s note had not altered my +mind one jot, my wife, to move me, among other things said, that if she +remembered aright, there was a statute placing the keeping in private houses of +secret closets on the same unlawful footing with the keeping of gunpowder. But +it had no effect. +</p> + +<p> +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. +</p> + +<p> +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who sat up, one in +each chimney-corner; she, needles in hand, indefatigably knitting a sock; I, +pipe in mouth, indolently weaving my vapors. +</p> + +<p> +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was a fire on the +hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and heavy; the wood, by an +oversight, of the sort called soggy. +</p> + +<p> +“Do look at the chimney,” she began; “can’t you see +that something must be in it?” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. Scribe’s +note.” +</p> + +<p> +“Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old sinners +do smoke!—this wicked old chimney and you.” +</p> + +<p> +“Wife,” said I, “I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke +together, it is true, but we don’t like to be called names.” +</p> + +<p> +“Now, dear old man,” said she, softening down, and a little +shifting the subject, “when you think of that old kinsman of yours, you +<i>know</i> there must be a secret closet in this chimney.” +</p> + +<p> +“Secret ash-hole, wife, why don’t you have it? Yes, I dare say +there is a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to +that we drop down the queer hole yonder?” +</p> + +<p> +“I know where they go to; I’ve been there almost as many times as +the cat.” +</p> + +<p> +“What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don’t +you know that St. Dunstan’s devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will get +your death one of these days, exploring all about as you do. But supposing +there be a secret closet, what then?” +</p> + +<p> +“What then? why what should be in a secret closet but—” +</p> + +<p> +“Dry bones, wife,” broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. +</p> + +<p> +“There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes,” wiping her +eyes with her handkerchief. “I’ve no doubt the reason it smokes so +is, because that secret closet interferes with the flue. Do see, too, how the +jambs here keep settling; and it’s down hill all the way from the door to +this hearth. This horrid old chimney will fall on our heads yet; depend upon +it, old man.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every dependence on my +chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, am settling, you know, in my +gait. I and my chimney are settling together, and shall keep settling, too, +till, as in a great feather-bed, we shall both have settled away clean out of +sight. But this secret oven; I mean, secret closet of yours, wife; where +exactly do you suppose that secret closet is?” +</p> + +<p> +“That is for Mr. Scribe to say.” +</p> + +<p> +“But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or other in +this horrid old chimney.” +</p> + +<p> +“And if he can’t prove that; what, then?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why then, old man,” with a stately air, “I shall say little +more about it.” +</p> + +<p> +“Agreed, wife,” returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the jamb, +“and now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. Scribe. Wife, +the sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this pipe on the mantel.” +</p> + +<p> +“If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old chimney, +this abominable old-fashioned old chimney’s mantels are so high, I +can’t reach them.” +</p> + +<p> +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate fling at the +pile. +</p> + +<p> +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that besides the +fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most haphazard way, excavated +on each floor for certain curious out-of-the-way cupboards and closets, of all +sorts and sizes, clinging here and there, like nests in the crotches of some +old oak. On the second floor these closets were by far the most irregular and +numerous. And yet this should hardly have been so, since the theory of the +chimney was, that it pyramidically diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of +its square on the roof was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the +reduction must be methodically graduated from bottom to top. +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Scribe,” said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, that +individual again came, “my object in sending for you this morning is, not +to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor to have any particular +conversation about it, but simply to allow you every reasonable facility for +verifying, if you can, the conjecture communicated in your note.” +</p> + +<p> +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my phlegmatic +reception, so different from what he had looked for; with much apparent +alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing open the cupboards on the first +floor, and peering into the closets on the second; measuring one within, and +then comparing that measurement with the measurement without. Removing the +fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no sign of the hidden work yet. +</p> + +<p> +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling conceivable. They, as +it were, dovetailed into each other. They were of all shapes; not one +mathematically square room among them all—a peculiarity which by the +master-mason had not been unobserved. With a significant, not to say portentous +expression, he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring the area of each room +around it; then going down stairs, and out of doors, he measured the entire +ground area; then compared the sum total of all the areas of all the rooms on +the second floor with the ground area; then, returning to me in no small +excitement, announced that there was a difference of no less than two hundred +and odd square feet—room enough, in all conscience, for a secret closet. +</p> + +<p> +“But, Mr. Scribe,” said I, stroking my chin, “have you +allowed for the walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, you +know.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah, I had forgotten that,” tapping his forehead; +“but,” still ciphering on his paper, “that will not make up +the deficiency.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many fireplaces +on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in short, Mr. Scribe, have +you allowed for the legitimate chimney itself—some one hundred and +forty-four square feet or thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?” +</p> + +<p> +“How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too.” +</p> + +<p> +“Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?” +</p> + +<p> +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, “But we must now allow one +hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate chimney. My position is, +that within those undue limits the secret closet is contained.” +</p> + +<p> +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: +</p> + +<p> +“Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay your +finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you believe this secret +closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand assist you, Mr. Scribe?” +</p> + +<p> +“No, Sir, but a crowbar would,” he, with temper, rejoined. +</p> + +<p> +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I looked at him +with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat uneasy. More than ever now I +suspected a plot. I remembered what my wife had said about abiding by the +decision of Mr. Scribe. In a bland way, I resolved to buy up the decision of +Mr. Scribe. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said I, “really, I am much obliged to you for this +survey. It has quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. Scribe, +must feel much relieved. Sir,” I added, “you have made three visits +to the chimney. With a business man, time is money. Here are fifty dollars, Mr. +Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned it. Your opinion is worth it. And by the +way,”—as he modestly received the money—“have you any +objections to give me a—a—little certificate—something, say, +like a steamboat certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have +surveyed my chimney, and found no reason to believe any unsoundness; in short, +any—any secret closet in it. Would you be so kind, Mr. Scribe?” +</p> + +<p> +“But, but, sir,” stammered he with honest hesitation. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, here are pen and paper,” said I, with entire assurance. +</p> + +<p> +Enough. +</p> + +<p> +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the dining-room +fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it would forever put at rest at +once the dreams and stratagems of my household. +</p> + +<p> +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old chimney, +still to this day my wife goes about it, with my daughter Anna’s +geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and then holding her ear against +it, as I have seen the physicians of life insurance companies tap a man’s +chest, and then incline over for the echo. Sometimes of nights she almost +frightens one, going about on this phantom errand, and still following the +sepulchral response of the chimney, round and round, as if it were leading her +to the threshold of the secret closet. +</p> + +<p> +“How hollow it sounds,” she will hollowly cry. “Yes, I +declare,” with an emphatic tap, “there is a secret closet here. +Here, in this very spot. Hark! How hollow!” +</p> + +<p> +“Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid +chimney?” But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not me, but +their mother. +</p> + +<p> +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and return to the +genuine ground of attack—the unsightliness of so cumbrous a pile, with +comments upon the great addition of room to be gained by its demolition, and +the fine effect of the projected grand hall, and the convenience resulting from +the collateral running in one direction and another of their various +partitions. Not more ruthlessly did the Three Powers partition away poor +Poland, than my wife and daughters would fain partition away my chimney. +</p> + +<p> +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our pipes, my wife +reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, enlarging upon what wonders are +there, and what a shame it is, not to seek it out and explore it. +</p> + +<p> +“Wife,” said I, upon one of these occasions, “why speak more +of that secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary testimony of a +master mason, elected by yourself to decide. Besides, even if there were a +secret closet, secret it should remain, and secret it shall. Yes, wife, here +for once I must say my say. Infinite sad mischief has resulted from the profane +bursting open of secret recesses. Though standing in the heart of this house, +though hitherto we have all nestled about it, unsuspicious of aught hidden +within, this chimney may or may not have a secret closet. But if it have, it is +my kinsman’s. To break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. +And that wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a churchrobbing +gossip and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping varlet was Momus.” +</p> + +<p> +“Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and your Moses!” +</p> + +<p> +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not a fig for my +philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical companionship, I and my +chimney have to smoke and philosophize together. And sitting up so late as we +do at it, a mighty smoke it is that we two smoky old philosophers make. +</p> + +<p> +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she does that of +the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in continual dread lest, like +the golden bowl, the pipes of me and my chimney shall yet be broken. To stay +that mad project of my wife’s, naught answers. Or, rather, she herself is +incessantly answering, incessantly besetting me with her terrible alacrity for +improvement, which is a softer name for destruction. Scarce a day I do not find +her with her tape-measure, measuring for her grand hall, while Anna holds a +yardstick on one side, and Julia looks approvingly on from the other. +Mysterious intimations appear in the nearest village paper, signed +“Claude,” to the effect that a certain structure, standing on a +certain hill, is a sad blemish to an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous +letters arrive, threatening me with I know not what, unless I remove my +chimney. Is it my wife, too, or who, that sets up the neighbors to badgering me +on the same subject, and hinting to me that my chimney, like a huge elm, +absorbs all moisture from my garden? At night, also, my wife will start as from +sleep, professing to hear ghostly noises from the secret closet. Assailed on +all sides, and in all ways, small peace have I and my chimney. +</p> + +<p> +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up, and remove from the +country. +</p> + +<p> +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a whole portfolio +of plans and estimates. Another time, upon returning after a day’s absence, I +discovered my wife standing before the chimney in earnest conversation with a +person whom I at once recognized as a meddlesome architectural reformer, who, +because he had no gift for putting up anything, was ever intent upon pulling +them down; in various parts of the country having prevailed upon half-witted +old folks to destroy their old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. +</p> + +<p> +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early morning from a +visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, narrowly escaped three +brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at my feet. Glancing up, what was my +horror to see three savages, in blue jean overalls, in the very act of +commencing the long-threatened attack. Aye, indeed, thinking of those three +brickbats, I and my chimney have had narrow escapes. +</p> + +<p> +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from home. My city friends all +wonder why I don’t come to see them, as in former times. They think I am +getting sour and unsocial. Some say that I have become a sort of mossy old +misanthrope, while all the time the fact is, I am simply standing guard over my +mossy old chimney; for it is resolved between me and my chimney, that I and my +chimney will never surrender. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following +the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use +of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for +copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very +easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation +of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project +Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may +do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected +by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark +license, especially commercial redistribution. +</div> + +<div style='margin-top:1em; font-size:1.1em; text-align:center'>START: FULL LICENSE</div> +<div style='text-align:center;font-size:0.9em'>THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE</div> +<div style='text-align:center;font-size:0.9em'>PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person +or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the +Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when +you share it without charge with others. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country other than the United States. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work +on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: +</div> + +<blockquote> + <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most + other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions + whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms + of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online + at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you + are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws + of the country where you are located before using this eBook. + </div> +</blockquote> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg™ License. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format +other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain +Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +provided that: +</div> + +<div style='margin-left:0.7em;'> + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation.” + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ + works. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. + </div> +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of +the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set +forth in Section 3 below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, +Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up +to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website +and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread +public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state +visit <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/donate/">www.gutenberg.org/donate</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Most people start at our website which has the main PG search +facility: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. +</div> + +</div> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9f94b22 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #2694 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2694) diff --git a/old/2694.txt b/old/2694.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2006d5c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2694.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1564 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: I and My Chimney + +Author: Herman Melville + +Posting Date: December 11, 2008 [EBook #2694] +Release Date: July, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + + + + +Produced by Stephan J. Macaluso + + + + + +I AND MY CHIMNEY + +By Herman Melville + + + +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. +We are, I may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, which +settles more and more every day. + +Though I always say, I AND MY CHIMNEY, as Cardinal Wolsey used to say, +"I AND MY KING," yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein I +take precedence of my chimney, is hereby borne out by the facts; in +everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of me. + +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney--a huge, corpulent +old Harry VIII of a chimney--rises full in front of me and all my +possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse's +monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the first +object to greet the approaching traveler's eye, nor is it the last +which the sun salutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving the +first-fruits of the seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; and +every spring, as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build their +nests in it. + +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most +manifest. When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand +to receive my guests (who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see +my chimney than me) I then stand, not so much before, as, strictly +speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, the true host. Not that I +demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I know my place. + +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think +that I have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from +standing behind my old-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be quite +behind the age too, as well as running behindhand in everything else. +But to tell the truth, I never was a very forward old fellow, nor what +my farming neighbors call a forehanded one. Indeed, those rumors about +my behindhandedness are so far correct, that I have an odd sauntering +way with me sometimes of going about with my hands behind my back. As +for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, I bring up +the rear of my chimney--which, by the way, is this moment before me--and +that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney is my superior; +my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I +much minister to it; yet never does it minister, or incline over to me; +but, if anything, in its settlings, rather leans the other way. + +My chimney is grand seignior here--the one great domineering object, not +more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, +in each architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the +most marked manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney's, +which, among other things, has the centre of the house to himself, +leaving but the odd holes and corners to me. + +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we +may have to expatiate. + +In those houses which are strictly double houses--that is, where the +hall is in the middle--the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; +so that while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire +built into a recess of the north wall, say another member, the former's +own brother, perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a +hearth in the south wall--the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is +this well? Be it put to any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. +Has it not a sort of sulky appearance? But very probably this style +of chimney building originated with some architect afflicted with a +quarrelsome family. + +Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate flue--separate +throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least such an arrangement +is deemed desirable. Does not this look egotistical, selfish? But still +more, all these separate flues, instead of having independent masonry +establishments of their own, or instead of being grouped together in one +federal stock in the middle of the house--instead of this, I say, each +flue is surreptitiously honey-combed into the walls; so that these last +are here and there, or indeed almost anywhere, treacherously hollow, +and, in consequence, more or less weak. Of course, the main reason of +this style of chimney building is to economize room. In cities, where +lots are sold by the inch, small space is to spare for a chimney +constructed on magnanimous principles; and, as with most thin men, who +are generally tall, so with such houses, what is lacking in breadth, +must be made up in height. This remark holds true even with regard to +many very stylish abodes, built by the most stylish of gentlemen. And +yet, when that stylish gentleman, Louis le Grand of France, would build +a palace for his lady, friend, Madame de Maintenon, he built it but +one story high--in fact in the cottage style. But then, how uncommonly +quadrangular, spacious, and broad--horizontal acres, not vertical +ones. Such is the palace, which, in all its one-storied magnificence +of Languedoc marble, in the garden of Versailles, still remains to this +day. Any man can buy a square foot of land and plant a liberty-pole on +it; but it takes a king to set apart whole acres for a grand triannon. + +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a +necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is large rivalry +in building tall houses. If one gentleman builds his house four stories +high, and another gentleman comes next door and builds five stories +high, then the former, not to be looked down upon that way, immediately +sends for his architect and claps a fifth and a sixth story on top +of his previous four. And, not till the gentleman has achieved his +aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by twilight and observed +how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor's fifth--not till then +does he retire to his rest with satisfaction. + +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this +emulous conceit of soaring out of them. + +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, +aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as if I did but +fold myself about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to +tickle my individual vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish +upon my frankly conceding, that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold +last month for ten dollars an acre, and thought a rash purchase at that; +so that for wide houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and cheap. +Indeed so cheap--dirt cheap--is the soil, that our elms thrust out their +roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most lavish and +reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are sown broadcast, even peas +and turnips. A farmer among us, who should go about his twenty-acre +field, poking his finger into it here and there, and dropping down a +mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, narrow-minded husbandman. +The dandelions in the river-meadows, and the forget-me-nots along the +mountain roads, you see at once they are put to no economy in space. +Some seasons, too, our rye comes up here and there a spear, sole and +single like a church-spire. It doesn't care to crowd itself where it +knows there is such a deal of room. The world is wide, the world is all +before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, it is amazing how they spread. +No such thing as arresting them--some of our pastures being a sort +of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, every spring it is like +Kossuth's rising of what he calls the peoples. Mountains, too, a regular +camp-meeting of them. For the same reason, the same all-sufficiency of +room, our shadows march and countermarch, going through their various +drills and masterly evolutions, like the old imperial guard on the +Champs de Mars. As for the hills, especially where the roads cross them +the supervisors of our various towns have given notice to all concerned, +that they can come and dig them down and cart them off, and never a +cent to pay, no more than for the privilege of picking blackberries. +The stranger who is buried here, what liberal-hearted landed proprietor +among us grudges him six feet of rocky pasture? + +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is +trodden under foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and +chiefly for its three great lions--the Great Oak, Ogg Mountain, and my +chimney. + +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed +two. That in which I and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its +height, from sill to eaves--which accounts for the magnitude of its +main content--besides showing that in this house, as in this country at +large, there is abundance of space, and to spare, for both of us. + +The frame of the old house is of wood--which but the more sets forth +the solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the great wrought +nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so +are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. The architect of the chimney +must have had the pyramid of Cheops before him; for, after that famous +structure, it seems modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the +summit is considerably less, and it is truncated. From the exact +middle of the mansion it soars from the cellar, right up through each +successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water from the +ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest +of a billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razed +observatory, masoned up. + +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon +rather delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch as many years +ago the original gable roof of the old house had become very leaky, a +temporary proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, cross-cut +saws, and went to sawing the old gable roof clean off. Off it went, with +all its birds' nests, and dormer windows. It was replaced with a modern +roof, more fit for a railway wood-house than an old country gentleman's +abode. This operation--razeeing the structure some fifteen feet--was, in +effect upon the chimney, something like the falling of the great spring +tides. It left uncommon low water all about the chimney--to abate which +appearance, the same person now proceeds to slice fifteen feet off the +chimney itself, actually beheading my royal old chimney--a regicidal +act, which, were it not for the palliating fact that he was a poulterer +by trade, and, therefore, hardened to such neck-wringings, should send +that former proprietor down to posterity in the same cart with Cromwell. + +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney inordinately +widened its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but only in the +estimation of such as have no eye to the picturesque. What care I, if, +unaware that my chimney, as a free citizen of this free land, stands +upon an independent basis of its own, people passing it, wonder how +such a brick-kiln, as they call it, is supported upon mere joists and +rafters? What care I? I will give a traveler a cup of switchel, if +he want it; but am I bound to supply him with a sweet taste? Men +of cultivated minds see, in my old house and chimney, a goodly old +elephant-and-castle. + +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about to +add. The surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily brought into +the open air a part of the chimney previously under cover, and +intended to remain so, and, therefore, not built of what are called +weather-bricks. In consequence, the chimney, though of a vigorous +constitution, suffered not a little, from so naked an exposure; and, +unable to acclimate itself, ere long began to fail--showing blotchy +symptoms akin to those in measles. Whereupon travelers, passing my way, +would wag their heads, laughing; "See that wax nose--how it melts off!" +But what cared I? The same travelers would travel across the sea to view +Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good reason: that of all artists +of the picturesque, decay wears the palm--I would say, the ivy. In fact, +I've often thought that the proper place for my old chimney is ivied old +England. + +In vain my wife--with what probable ulterior intent will, ere long, +appear--solemnly warned me, that unless something were done, and +speedily, we should be burnt to the ground, owing to the holes crumbling +through the aforesaid blotchy parts, where the chimney joined the roof. +"Wife," said I, "far better that my house should burn down, than that my +chimney should be pulled down, though but a few feet. They call it a wax +nose; very good; not for me to tweak the nose of my superior." But +at last the man who has a mortgage on the house dropped me a note, +reminding me that, if my chimney was allowed to stand in that invalid +condition, my policy of insurance would be void. This was a sort of hint +not to be neglected. All the world over, the picturesque yields to the +pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the mortgagee did. + +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, and a +new one fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression--being put up by +a squint-eyed mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch in the same +side--the new nose stands a little awry, in the same direction. + +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of the new +part are unreduced. + +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to its +spaciousness below. At its base in the cellar, it is precisely twelve +feet square; and hence covers precisely one hundred and forty-four +superficial feet. What an appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, +and what a huge load for this earth! In fact, it was only because I +and my chimney formed no part of his ancient burden, that that stout +peddler, Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up so bravely under his +pack. The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. But, like those +stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having passed +over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this day? + +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that vast +square of masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and wonder at it. It +has a druidical look, away down in the umbrageous cellar there whose +numerous vaulted passages, and far glens of gloom, resemble the dark, +damp depths of primeval woods. So strongly did this conceit steal over +me, so deeply was I penetrated with wonder at the chimney, that one +day--when I was a little out of my mind, I now think--getting a spade +from the garden, I set to work, digging round the foundation, especially +at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of striking upon +some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, when, into all +this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons laid the +foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an August sun, or +pelted by a March storm. Plying my blunted spade, how vexed was I by +that ungracious interruption of a neighbor who, calling to see me upon +some business, and being informed that I was below said I need not +be troubled to come up, but he would go down to me; and so, without +ceremony, and without my having been forewarned, suddenly discovered me, +digging in my cellar. + +"Gold digging, sir?" + +"Nay, sir," answered I, starting, "I was merely--ahem!--merely--I say I +was merely digging-round my chimney." + +"Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you regard +as too small, I suppose; needing further development, especially at the +top?" + +"Sir!" said I, throwing down the spade, "do not be personal. I and my +chimney--" + +"Personal?" + +"Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as a +personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and inferior +subject." + +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or my +chimney; and never again did my visitor refer to it in my hearing, +without coupling some compliment with the mention. It well deserves a +respectful consideration. There it stands, solitary and alone--not a +council--of ten flues, but, like his sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of +an autocrat. + +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does not look +so big--no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its magnitude can +be but imperfectly comprehended, because only one side can be received +at one time; and said side can only present twelve feet, linear measure. +But then, each other side also is twelve feet long; and the whole +obviously forms a square and twelve times twelve is one hundred and +forty-four. And so, an adequate conception of the magnitude of this +chimney is only to be got at by a sort of process in the higher +mathematics by a method somewhat akin to those whereby the surprising +distances of fixed stars are computed. + +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely free +from fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle--in the one grand +central chimney, upon all four sides of which are hearths--two tiers of +hearths--so that when, in the various chambers, my family and guests are +warming themselves of a cold winter's night, just before retiring, then, +though at the time they may not be thinking so, all their faces mutually +look towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one centre; and, +when they go to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round one warm +chimney, like so many Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round their one +heap of embers. And just as the Indians' fire serves, not only to +keep them comfortable, but also to keep off wolves, and other savage +monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at top, keeps off prowling +burglars from the towns--for what burglar or murderer would dare +break into an abode from whose chimney issues such a continual +smoke--betokening that if the inmates are not stirring, at least fires +are, and in case of an alarm, candles may readily be lighted, to say +nothing of muskets. + +But stately as is the chimney--yea, grand high altar as it is, right +worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of Rome, and +all his cardinals--yet what is there perfect in this world? Caius Julius +Caesar, had he not been so inordinately great, they say that Brutus, +Cassius, Antony, and the rest, had been greater. My chimney, were it not +so mighty in its magnitude, my chambers had been larger. How often has +my wife ruefully told me, that my chimney, like the English aristocracy, +casts a contracting shade all round it. She avers that endless domestic +inconveniences arise--more particularly from the chimney's stubborn +central locality. The grand objection with her is, that it stands midway +in the place where a fine entrance-hall ought to be. In truth, there +is no hall whatever to the house--nothing but a sort of square +landing-place, as you enter from the wide front door. A roomy enough +landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to the dignity of a hall. Now, +as the front door is precisely in the middle of the front of the +house, inwards it faces the chimney. In fact, the opposite wall of the +landing-place is formed solely by the chimney; and hence-owing to the +gradual tapering of the chimney--is a little less than twelve feet +in width. Climbing the chimney in this part, is the principal +staircase--which, by three abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, +mounts to the second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort +of narrow gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to +chambers on either hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and so, +looking down upon the stairs, and all those landing-places together, +with the main one at bottom, resembles not a little a balcony for +musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times Elizabethan. Shall I tell +a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs there, and many a time arrest Biddy in +the act of brushing them with her broom, and have many a quarrel with my +wife and daughters about it. + +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the house, +that ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, not the +first. The two floors are made one here; so that ascending this turning +stairs, you seem going up into a kind of soaring tower, or lighthouse. +At the second landing, midway up the chimney, is a mysterious door, +entering to a mysterious closet; and here I keep mysterious cordials, +of a choice, mysterious flavor, made so by the constant nurturing and +subtle ripening of the chimney's gentle heat, distilled through that +warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than voyages to the Indias; +my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a November day is +as good for an invalid as a long season spent in Cuba. Often I think +how grapes might ripen against my chimney. How my wife's geraniums bud +there! Bud in December. Her eggs, too--can't keep them near the chimney, +an account of the hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my chimney. + +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand entrance-hall of +hers, which was to be knocked clean through the chimney, from one end +of the house to the other, and astonish all guests by its generous +amplitude. "But, wife," said I, "the chimney--consider the chimney: if +you demolish the foundation, what is to support the superstructure?" +"Oh, that will rest on the second floor." The truth is, women know next +to nothing about the realities of architecture. However, my wife still +talked of running her entries and partitions. She spent many long nights +elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall +through the chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere spear +of sorrel-top. At last, I gently reminded her that, little as she might +fancy it, the chimney was a fact--a sober, substantial fact, which, in +all her plannings, it would be well to take into full consideration. But +this was not of much avail. + +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few words +about this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years nearly old as +myself, in spirit she is young as my little sorrel mare, Trigger, +that threw me last fall. What is extraordinary, though she comes of a +rheumatic family, she is straight as a pine, never has any aches; while +for me with the sciatica, I am sometimes as crippled up as any +old apple-tree. But she has not so much as a toothache. As for her +hearing--let me enter the house in my dusty boots, and she away up in +the attic. And for her sight--Biddy, the housemaid, tells other people's +housemaids, that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser straight +through the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her faculties +are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse dying of +torpor. The longest night in the year I've known her lie awake, planning +her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural projector. The maxim, +"Whatever is, is right," is not hers. Her maxim is, Whatever is, is +wrong; and what is more, must be altered; and what is still more, must +be altered right away. Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old +dreamer like me, who dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a +sabbatical horror of industry, will, on a week day, go out of my road a +quarter of a mile, to avoid the sight of a man at work. + +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have been +just the wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How she would +have set in order that huge littered empire of the one, and with +indefatigable painstaking picked the peck of pickled peppers for the +other. + +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. Her +youthful incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still plainer fact of +death, hardly seems Christian. Advanced in years, as she knows she must +be, my wife seems to think that she is to teem on, and be inexhaustible +forever. She doesn't believe in old age. At that strange promise in +the plain of Mamre, my old wife, unlike old Abraham's, would not have +jeeringly laughed within herself. + +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my chimney, +smoking my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at my feet, +and ashes not unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am thus in a +comfortable sort of not unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy enough way, +reminded of the ultimate exhaustion even of the most fiery life; judge +how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my wife must come, sometimes, +it is true, with a moral and a calm, but oftener with a breeze and a +ruffle. + +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by how +cogent a fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While spicily +impatient of present and past, like a glass of ginger-beer she overflows +with her schemes; and, with like energy as she puts down her foot, puts +down her preserves and her pickles, and lives with them in a continual +future; or ever full of expectations both from time and space, is ever +restless for newspapers, and ravenous for letters. Content with the +years that are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, and looking for +no new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I have not a single +scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal resistance of the undue +encroachment of hers. + +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly loving +old Montague, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing young people, +hot rolls, new books, and early potatoes and very fond of my old +claw-footed chair, and old club-footed Deacon White, my neighbor, and +that still nigher old neighbor, my betwisted old grape-vine, that of a +summer evening leans in his elbow for cosy company at my window-sill, +while I, within doors, lean over mine to meet his; and above all, high +above all, am fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But she, out of the +infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but newness; for that +cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in spring, as if she were +own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving after all sorts of salads +and spinages, and more particularly green cucumbers (though all the time +nature rebukes such unsuitable young hankerings in so elderly a person, +by never permitting such things to agree with her), and has an itch +after recently-discovered fine prospects (so no graveyard be in the +background), and also after Sweden-borganism, and the Spirit Rapping +philosophy, with other new views, alike in things natural and unnatural; +and immortally hopeful, is forever making new flower-beds even on the +north side of the house where the bleak mountain wind would scarce allow +the wiry weed called hard-hack to gain a thorough footing; and on the +road-side sets out mere pipe-stems of young elms; though there is +no hope of any shade from them, except over the ruins of her great +granddaughter's gravestones; and won't wear caps, but plaits her gray +hair; and takes the Ladies' Magazine for the fashions; and always buys +her new almanac a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and to +the warmest sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at odd hours +with her new course of history, and her French, and her music; and likes +a young company; and offers to ride young colts; and sets out young +suckers in the orchard; and has a spite against my elbowed old +grape-vine, and my club-footed old neighbor, and my claw-footed old +chair, and above all, high above all, would fain persecute, until death, +my high-mantled old chimney. By what perverse magic, I a thousand times +think, does such a very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young +soul? When I would remonstrate at times, she spins round on me with, +"Oh, don't you grumble, old man (she always calls me old man), it's I, +young I, that keep you from stagnating." Well, I suppose it is so. Yea, +after all, these things are well ordered. My wife, as one of her poor +relations, good soul, intimates, is the salt of the earth, and none the +less the salt of my sea, which otherwise were unwholesome. She is its +monsoon, too, blowing a brisk gale over it, in the one steady direction +of my chimney. + +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently made +me propositions to take upon herself all the responsibilities of my +affairs. She is desirous that, domestically, I should abdicate; that, +renouncing further rule, like the venerable Charles V, I should retire +into some sort of monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have +little authority to lay down. By my wife's ingenious application of the +principle that certain things belong of right to female jurisdiction, I +find myself, through my easy compliances, insensibly stripped by degrees +of one masculine prerogative after another. In a dream I go about my +fields, a sort of lazy, happy-go-lucky, good-for-nothing, loafing old +Lear. Only by some sudden revelation am I reminded who is over me; as +year before last, one day seeing in one corner of the premises fresh +deposits of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of the incident +at length begat serious meditation. "Wife," said I, "whose boards and +timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know anything +about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not like the +neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask permission first." + +She regarded me with a pitying smile. + +"Why, old man, don't you know I am building a new barn? Didn't you know +that, old man?" + +This is the poor old lady who was accusing me of tyrannizing over her. + +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility of her +proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was +for a modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far +as I could see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a +sort of irregular archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate +the chimney at some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully +avoiding dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly +steering clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the +enterprising traveler from the front door all the way into the +dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold +stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero's when he schemed +his grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, +that, had her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights hung at +judicious intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might +have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through the masonry, and +actually emerging into the dining-room, and once there, it would have +been inhospitable treatment of such a traveler to have denied him a +recruiting meal. + +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end +confine her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her ambition was of +the mounting order. She ascended with her schemes to the second floor, +and so to the attic. Perhaps there was some small ground for her +discontent with things as they were. The truth is, there was no regular +passage-way up-stairs or down, unless we again except that little +orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this was owing to the +chimney, which my gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as +the bully of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers +sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney +would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, +almost every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an entry, +or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms--a whole suite of +entries, in fact. Going through the house, you seem to be forever going +somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is like losing one's self in the +woods; round and round the chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, +it is just where you started, and so you begin again, and again get +nowhere. Indeed--though I say it not in the way of faultfinding at +all--never was there so labyrinthine an abode. Guests will tarry with +me several weeks and every now and then, be anew astonished at some +unforseen apartment. + +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is +peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine +doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of places. A +stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, and naturally +taking no special heed at which door he entered, will, upon rising to +depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for instance, as opening +the first door that comes handy, and finding himself stealing up-stairs +by the back passage. Shutting that, he will proceed to another, and be +aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he surprises +the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his own +unaided efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, and +in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as any, +was that of a certain stylish young gentleman, a great exquisite, in +whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found especial favor. He +called upon the young lady one evening, and found her alone in the +dining-room at her needlework. He stayed rather late; and after +abundance of superfine discourse, all the while retaining his hat and +cane, made his profuse adieus, and with repeated graceful bows proceeded +to depart, after fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and by so doing, +opening a door at random, with one hand placed behind, very effectually +succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where he carefully shut +himself up, wondering there was no light in the entry. After several +strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he reappeared through +the same door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, and, with a deeply +embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at which of the nine +he should find exit. When the mischievous Anna told me the story, she +said it was surprising how unaffected and matter-of-fact the young +gentleman's manner was after his reappearance. He was more candid than +ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids into an +open drawer of Havana sugar, under the impression, probably, that being +what they call "a sweet fellow," his route might possibly lie in that +direction. + +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment of +a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him and +it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just as +queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like London's +city guest, the king, at Temple-Bar. + +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually +complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition--in +toto to abolish the chimney. + +"What!" said I, "abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of +anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and chimneys +out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes from the +ground. Besides," added I, "the chimney is the one grand permanence of +this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future ages, when +all the house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will still +survive--a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can't abolish my +backbone." + +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, +with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was +persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter +into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a +master-mason--a rough sort of architect--one Mr. Scribe, was summoned +to a conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous +introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not +a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for +some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, +exhorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an +unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of the +matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though up-stairs +it was noon, below it was night. + +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over +head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass +of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum +of the great god Apis. + +"This is a most remarkable structure, sir," said the master-mason, after +long contemplating it in silence, "a most remarkable structure, sir." + +"Yes," said I complacently, "every one says so." + +"But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the +magnitude of this foundation, sir," eyeing it critically. + +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. + +"Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this +house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of +your chimney." + +"Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now," I added, "would you +have such a famous chimney abolished?" + +"I wouldn't have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift," was the +reply. "It's a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that +in retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and +forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable +interest upon a considerable principal?" + +"How?" + +"Look, sir!" said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and +figuring against a whitewashed wall, "twenty times eight is so and so; +then forty-two times thirty--nine is so and so--ain't it, sir? Well, +add those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so," +still chalking away. + +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that +my chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd +valuable bricks. + +"No more," said I fidgeting. "Pray now, let us have a look above." + +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and +second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway +by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand. + +"Well, sir," said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help himself, +fumbling with his hat, "well, sir, I think it can be done." + +"What, pray, Mr. Scribe; WHAT can be done?" + +"Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think." + +"I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe," said I, turning the knob and +bowing him towards the open space without, "I will THINK of it, sir; it +demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. Scribe." + +"It is all arranged, then," cried my wife with great glee, bursting from +the nighest room. + +"When will they begin?" demanded my daughter Julia. + +"To-morrow?" asked Anna. + +"Patience, patience, my dears," said I, "such a big chimney is not to be +abolished in a minute." + +Next morning it began again. + +"You remember the chimney," said my wife. "Wife," said I, "it is never +out of my house and never out of my mind." + +"But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?" asked Anna. + +"Not to-day, Anna," said I. + +"WHEN, then?" demanded Julia, in alarm. + +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for +ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of bells, +always chiming together, or taking up each other's melodies at every +pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and +pealing, and chiming, I confess; but then, the most silvery of bells +may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as merrily play. And as touching +the subject in question, it became so now. Perceiving a strange relapse +of opposition in me, wife and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, +melancholy tolling over it. + +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed +finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the +monument of what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not +answer, the next day, she gave me to understand that either she or the +chimney must quit the house. + +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over +them awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our hearts +went with the plan, yet for peace' sake, I might write out the chimney's +death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to Mr. Scribe. + +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so +much together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my pipe +consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or rather, +the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, conspired together, as +it were, against our unsuspicious old comrade--this may seem rather +strange, if not suggestive of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, +we, sons of clay, that is my pipe and I, are no whit better than the +rest. Far from us, indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our +crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was +which made us false to a mutual friend, as soon as his cause demanded +a vigorous vindication. But, I rejoice to add, that better and braver +thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. + +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. + +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary +estimate. + +"I will do it for five hundred dollars," said Mr. Scribe at last, again +hat in hand. + +"Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it," replied I, again bowing him +to the door. + +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again +he withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old +exclamations. + +The truth is, resolved how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney +could not be parted. + +"So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for +it," said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, +half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most +energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell +domestic despot. So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, +those which saw me quite across the grain, I, as in the present +instance, stand with however little steadfastness on the defence, she is +sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first opportunity +to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, the first +newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, after +being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating his +long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched off its +hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, +suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall scored with the +butcher's and baker's bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful +account. + +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no +further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, but beneath which, +as in the sea, there was no knowing what portentous movements might be +going on. She frequently went abroad, and in a direction which I thought +not unsuspicious; namely, in the direction of New Petra, a griffin-like +house of wood and stucco, in the highest style of ornamental art, graced +with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons spouting smoke from +their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr. Scribe, which he had +built for the purpose of a standing advertisement, not more of his taste +as an architect, than his solidity as a master-mason. + +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my +wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have +no correspondents except Solomon, with whom in his sentiments, at least, +I entirely correspond, the note occasioned me some little surprise, +which was not dismissed upon reading the following:-- + +NEW PETRA, April 1st. + +Sir--During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may have +noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner apparently +unnecessary. Possibly, also, at the same time, you might have observed +in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from +giving any verbal expression. + +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then but a +dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance to, +but which now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little +probability, it may be important that you should not remain in further +ignorance of. + +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural cause +to conjecture that somewhere concealed in your chimney is a reserved +space, hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or rather +closet. How long it has been there, it is for me impossible to say. +What it contains is hid, with itself, in darkness. But probably a secret +closet would not have been contrived except for some extraordinary +object, whether for the concealment of treasure, or for what other +purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history of the +house to guess. + +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. +Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of +indifference to me; though, I confess, as respects the character of the +closet, I cannot but share in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you may +be guided aright, in determining whether it is Christian-like knowingly +to reside in a house, hidden in which is a secret closet, I remain, with +much respect, + +Yours very humbly, + +HIRAM SCRIBE. + + +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged mystery +of manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none such had I at all +observed in the master-mason during his surveys--but of my late kinsman, +Captain Julian Dacres, long a ship-master and merchant in the Indian +trade, who, about thirty years ago, and at the ripe age of ninety, died +a bachelor, and in this very house, which he had built. He was supposed +to have retired into this country with a large fortune. But to the +general surprise, after being at great cost in building himself this +mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved and inexpensive old +age, which by the neighbors was thought all the better for his heirs: +but lo! upon opening the will, his property was found to consist but of +the house and grounds, and some ten thousand dollars in stocks; but the +place, being found heavily mortgaged, was in consequence sold. Gossip +had its day, and left the grass quietly to creep over the captain's +grave, where he still slumbers in a privacy as unmolested as if the +billows of the Indian Ocean, instead of the billows of inland verdure, +rolled over him. Still, I remembered long ago, hearing strange solutions +whispered by the country people for the mystery involving his will, and, +by reflex, himself; and that, too, as well in conscience as purse. But +people who could circulate the report (which they did), that Captain +Julian Dacres had, in his day, been a Borneo pirate, surely were not +worthy of credence in their collateral notions. It is queer what wild +whimsies of rumors will, like toadstools, spring up about any eccentric +stranger, who settling down among a rustic population, keeps quietly to +himself. With some, inoffensiveness would seem a prime cause of offense. +But what chiefly had led me to scout at these rumors, particularly as +referring to concealed treasure, was the circumstance, that the stranger +(the same who razeed the roof and the chimney) into whose hands the +estate had passed on my kinsman's death, was of that sort of character, +that had there been the least ground for those reports, he would +speedily have tested them, by tearing down and rummaging the walls. + +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the memory +of my kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been mysterious, +or at least unexplained, about him; vague flashings of ingots united in +my mind with vague gleamings of skulls. But the first cool thought soon +dismissed such chimeras; and, with a calm smile, I turned towards my +wife, who, meantime, had been sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare +say, to know who could have taken it into his head to write me a letter. + +"Well, old man," said she, "who is it from, and what is it about?" + +"Read it, wife," said I, handing it. + +Read it she did, and then--such an explosion! I will not pretend +to describe her emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that my +daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement. Although they +had never dreamed of such a revelation as Mr. Scribe's; yet upon the +first suggestion they instinctively saw the extreme likelihood of it. +In corroboration, they cited first my kinsman, and second, my chimney; +alleging that the profound mystery involving the former, and the equally +profound masonry involving the latter, though both acknowledged facts, +were alike preposterous on any other supposition than the secret closet. + +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be hidden +from me that my credulity in this instance would operate very favorably +to a certain plan of theirs? How to get to the secret closet, or how to +have any certainty about it at all, without making such fell work with +my chimney as to render its set destruction superfluous? That my wife +wished to get rid of the chimney, it needed no reflection to show; +and that Mr. Scribe, for all his pretended disinterestedness, was not +opposed to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation, seemed +equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads together with +Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I consider her +enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with which at the last +she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by hook or crook she can, +especially after having been once baffled, why, I scarcely knew at what +step of hers to be surprised. + +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should not +budge. + +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, where I had +noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for its doughty exploits +in the way of scratching into forbidden enclosures, had been rewarded +by its master with a portentous, four-pronged, wooden decoration, in the +shape of a collar of the Order of the Garotte. This gander I cornered +and rummaging out its stiffest quill, plucked it, took it home, and +making a stiff pen, inscribed the following stiff note: + + CHIMNEY SIDE, April 2. + MR. SCRIBE + Sir:-For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks and + compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that we shall remain, + Very faithfully, + The same, + I AND MY CHIMNEY. + +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp raps. But +having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. Scribe's note had +not altered my mind one jot, my wife, to move me, among other things +said, that if she remembered aright, there was a statute placing the +keeping in private of secret closets on the same unlawful footing with +the keeping of gunpowder. But it had no effect. + +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. + +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who sat up, +one in each chimney-corner; she, needles in hand, indefatigably knitting +a sock; I, pipe in mouth, indolently weaving my vapors. + +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was a fire +on the hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and heavy; the +wood, by an oversight, of the sort called soggy. + +"Do look at the chimney," she began; "can't you see that something must +be in it?" + +"Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. Scribe's +note." + +"Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old sinners +do smoke!--this wicked old chimney and you." + +"Wife," said I, "I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke together, +it is true, but we don't like to be called names." + +"Now, dear old man," said she, softening down, and a little shifting the +subject, "when you think of that old kinsman of yours, you KNOW there +must be a secret closet in this chimney." + +"Secret ash-hole, wife, why don't you have it? Yes, I dare say there is +a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to that +drop down the queer hole yonder?" + +"I know where they go to; I've been there almost as many times as the +cat." + +"What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don't you +know that St. Dunstan's devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will +get your death one of these days, exploring all about as you do. But +supposing there be a secret closet, what then?" + +"What then? why what should be in a secret closet but--" + +"Dry bones, wife," broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. + +"There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes," wiping her +eyes with her handkerchief. "I've no doubt the reason it smokes so is, +because that secret closet interferes with the flue. Do see, too, how +the jambs here keep settling; and it's down hill all the way from the +door to this hearth. This horrid old chimney will fall on our heads yet; +depend upon it, old man." + +"Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every dependence on +my chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, am settling, you +know, in my gait. I and my chimney are settling together, and shall +keep settling, too, till, as in a great feather-bed, we shall both have +settled away clean out of sight. But this secret oven; I mean, secret +closet of yours, wife; where exactly do you suppose that secret closet +is?" + +"That is for Mr. Scribe to say." + +"But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?" + +"Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or other in +this horrid old chimney." + +"And if he can't prove that; what, then?" + +"Why then, old man," with a stately air, "I shall say little more about +it." + +"Agreed, wife," returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the jamb, "and +now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. Scribe. Wife, the +sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this pipe on the mantel." + +"If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old chimney, +this abominable old-fashioned old chimney's mantels are so high, I can't +reach them." + +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate fling +at the pile. + +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that besides the +fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most haphazard way, +excavated on each floor for certain curious out-of-the-way cupboards and +closets, of all sorts and sizes, clinging here and there, like nests in +the crotches of some old oak. On the second floor these closets were +by far the most irregular and numerous. And yet this should hardly have +been so, since the theory of the chimney was, that it pyramidically +diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of its square on the roof +was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the reduction must be +methodically graduated from bottom to top. + +"Mr. Scribe," said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, that +individual again came, "my object in sending for you this morning +is, not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor to have +any particular conversation about it, but simply to allow you +every reasonable facility for verifying, if you can, the conjecture +communicated in your note." + +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my phlegmatic +reception, so different from what he had looked for; with much apparent +alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing open the cupboards on the +first floor, and peering into the closets on the second; measuring +one within, and then comparing that measurement with the measurement +without. Removing the fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no +sign of the hidden work yet. + +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling conceivable. +They, as it were, dovetailed into each other. They were of all shapes; +not one mathematically square room among them all--a peculiarity which +by the master-mason had not been unobserved. With a significant, not to +say portentous expression, he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring +the area of each room around it; then going down stairs, and out of +doors, he measured the entire ground area; then compared the sum total +of the areas of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground area; +then, returning to me in no small excitement, announced that there was a +difference of no less than two hundred and odd square feet--room enough, +in all conscience, for a secret closet. + +"But, Mr. Scribe," said I, stroking my chin, "have you allowed for the +walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, you know." + +"Ah, I had forgotten that," tapping his forehead; "but," still ciphering +on his paper, "that will not make up the deficiency." + +"But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many +fireplaces on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in short, +Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the legitimate chimney itself--some one +hundred and forty-four square feet or thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?" + +"How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too." + +"Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?" + +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, "But we must now allow +one hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate chimney. +My position is, that within those undue limits the secret closet is +contained." + +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: + +"Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay your +finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you believe +this secret closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand assist you, Mr. +Scribe?" + +"No, Sir, but a crowbar would," he, with temper, rejoined. + +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I looked +at him with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat uneasy. More +than ever now I suspected a plot. I remembered what my wife had said +about abiding by the decision of Mr. Scribe. In a bland way, I resolved +to buy up the decision of Mr. Scribe. + +"Sir," said I, "really, I am much obliged to you for this survey. It has +quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. Scribe, must +feel much relieved. Sir," I added, "you have made three visits to the +chimney. With a business man, time is money. Here are fifty dollars, Mr. +Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned it. Your opinion is worth it. And +by the way,"--as he modestly received the money--"have you any objections +to give me a--a--little certificate--something, say, like a steamboat +certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have surveyed +my chimney, and found no reason to believe any unsoundness; in short, +any--any secret closet in it. Would you be so kind, Mr. Scribe?" + +"But, but, sir," stammered he with honest hesitation. + +"Here, here are pen and paper," said I, with entire assurance. + +Enough. + +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the dining-room +fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it would forever put at +rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my household. + +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old +chimney, still to this day my wife goes about it, with my daughter +Anna's geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and then holding +her ear against it, as I have seen the physicians of life insurance +companies tap a man's chest, and then incline over for the echo. +Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one, going about on this +phantom errand, and still following the sepulchral response of the +chimney, round and round, as if it were leading her to the threshold of +the secret closet. + +"How hollow it sounds," she will hollowly cry. "Yes, I declare," with an +emphatic tap, "there is a secret closet here. Here, in this very spot. +Hark! How hollow!" + +"Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid chimney?" +But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not me, but their +mother. + +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and return +to the genuine ground of attack--the unsightliness of so cumbrous a +pile, with comments upon the great addition of room to be gained by its +demolition, and the fine effect of the projected grand hall, and the +convenience resulting from the collateral running in one direction and +another of their various partitions. Not more ruthlessly did the Three +Powers partition away poor Poland, than my wife and daughters would fain +partition away my chimney. + +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our pipes, +my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, enlarging upon +what wonders are there, and what a shame it is, not to seek it out and +explore it. + +"Wife," said I, upon one of these occasions, "why speak more of that +secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary testimony of a +master mason, elected by yourself to decide. Besides, even if there +were a secret closet, secret it should remain, and secret it shall. +Yes, wife, here for once I must say my say. Infinite sad mischief has +resulted from the profane bursting open of secret recesses. Though +standing in the heart of this house, though hitherto we have all nestled +about it, unsuspicious of aught hidden within, this chimney may or may +not have a secret closet. But if it have, it is my kinsman's. To +break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. And that +wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a churchrobbing gossip +and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping varlet was Momus." + +"Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and Moses?" + +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not a +fig for philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical +companionship, I and my chimney have to smoke and philosophize together. +And sitting up so late as we do at it, a mighty smoke it is that we two +smoky old philosophers make. + +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she does +that of the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in continual +dread lest, like the golden bowl, the pipes of me and my chimney shall +yet be broken. To stay that mad project of my wife's, naught answers. +Or, rather, she herself is incessantly answering, incessantly besetting +me with her terrible alacrity for improvement, which is a softer name +for destruction. Scarce a day I do not find her with her tape-measure, +measuring for her grand hall, while Anna holds a yardstick on one side, +and Julia looks approvingly on from the other. Mysterious intimations +appear in the nearest village paper, signed "Claude," to the effect that +a certain structure, standing on a certain hill, is a sad blemish to +an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous letters arrive, threatening me +with I know not what, unless I remove my chimney. Is it my wife, too, or +who, that sets up the neighbors to badgering me on the same subject, +and hinting to me that my chimney, like a huge elm, absorbs all moisture +from my garden? At night, also, my wife will start as from sleep, +professing to hear ghostly noises from the secret closet. Assailed on +all sides, and in all ways, small peace have I and my chimney. + +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up and remove from +the country. + +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a whole +portfolio of plans and estimates. Another time, upon returning after +a day's absence, I discovered my wife standing before the chimney +in earnest conversation with a person whom I at once recognized as +a meddlesome architectural reformer, who, because he had no gift for +putting up anything was ever intent upon pulling them down; in various +parts of the country having prevailed upon half-witted old folks to +destroy their old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. + +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early morning +from a visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, narrowly +escaped three brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at my feet. +Glancing up, what was my horror to see three savages, in blue jean +overalls in the very act of commencing the long-threatened attack. Aye, +indeed, thinking of those three brickbats, I and my chimney have had +narrow escapes. + +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from my home. My city +friends all wonder why I don't come to see them, as in former times. +They think I am getting sour and unsocial. Some say that I have become +a sort of mossy old misanthrope, while all the time the fact is, I am +simply standing guard over my mossy old chimney; for it is resolved +between me and my chimney, that I and my chimney will never surrender. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + +***** This file should be named 2694.txt or 2694.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/9/2694/ + +Produced by Stephan J. Macaluso + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/2694.zip b/old/2694.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e4df9d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2694.zip diff --git a/old/chmny10.txt b/old/chmny10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbe0b92 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chmny10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1565 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville +#4 in our series by Herman Melville + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + +*It must legally be the first thing seen when opening the book.* +In fact, our legal advisors said we can't even change margins. + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Title: I and My Chimney + +Author: Herman Melville + +July, 2001 [Etext #2694] +[Yes, we are about one year ahead of schedule] + +The Project Gutenberg Etext I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville +******This file should be named 1rbnh10.txt or 1rbnh10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, 1rbnh11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 1rbnh10a.txt + + +Prepared by Stephan J. Macaluso <ref@matrix.newpaltz.edu> + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions, +all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a +copyright notice is included. Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any +of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an +up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes +in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has +a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a +look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a +new copy has at least one byte more or less. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-six text +files per month, or 432 more Etexts in 1999 for a total of 2000+ +If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the +total should reach over 200 billion Etexts given away this year. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only ~5% of the present number of computer users. + +At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third +of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 3,333 Etexts unless we +manage to get some real funding; currently our funding is mostly +from Michael Hart's salary at Carnegie-Mellon University, and an +assortment of sporadic gifts; this salary is only good for a few +more years, so we are looking for something to replace it, as we +don't want Project Gutenberg to be so dependent on one person. + +We need your donations more than ever! + + +All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/CMU": and are +tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (CMU = Carnegie- +Mellon University). + +For these and other matters, please mail to: + +Project Gutenberg +P. O. Box 2782 +Champaign, IL 61825 + +When all other email fails. . .try our Executive Director: +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> +hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org +if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if +it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . . + +We would prefer to send you this information by email. + +****** + +To access Project Gutenberg etexts, use any Web browser +to view http://promo.net/pg. This site lists Etexts by +author and by title, and includes information about how +to get involved with Project Gutenberg. You could also +download our past Newsletters, or subscribe here. This +is one of our major sites, please email hart@pobox.com, +for a more complete list of our various sites. + +To go directly to the etext collections, use FTP or any +Web browser to visit a Project Gutenberg mirror (mirror +sites are available on 7 continents; mirrors are listed +at http://promo.net/pg). + +Mac users, do NOT point and click, typing works better. + +Example FTP session: + +ftp metalab.unc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg +cd etext90 through etext99 or etext00 through etext01, etc. +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET GUTINDEX.?? [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., GUTINDEX.99] +GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books] + +*** + +**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** + +(Three Pages) + + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- +tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor +Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at +Carnegie-Mellon University (the "Project"). Among other +things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + net profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Carnegie-Mellon University". + +We are planning on making some changes in our donation structure +in 2000, so you might want to email me, hart@pobox.com beforehand. + + + + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Prepared by Stephan J. Macaluso <ref@matrix.newpaltz.edu> + + + + + +I and My Chimney + +by Herman Melville + + + +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the +country. We are, I may say, old settlers here; particularly my +old chimney, which settles more and more every day. + +Though I always say, I AND MY CHIMNEY, as Cardinal Wolsey used to +say, "I AND MY KING," yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein +I take precedence of my chimney, is hereby borne out by the +facts; in everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking +precedence of me. + +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney--a huge, +corpulent old Harry VIII of a chimney--rises full in front of me +and all my possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, +like Lord Rosse's monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the +meridian moon, is the first object to greet the approaching +traveler's eye, nor is it the last which the sun salutes. My +chimney, too, is before me in receiving the first-fruits of the +seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; and every spring, +as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build their nests +in it. + +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is +most manifest. When in the rear room, set apart for that object, +I stand to receive my guests (who, by the way call more, I +suspect, to see my chimney than me) I then stand, not so much +before, as, strictly speaking, behind my chimney, which is, +indeed, the true host. Not that I demur. In the presence of my +betters, I hope I know my place. + +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even +think that I have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in +short, from standing behind my old- fashioned chimney so much, I +have got to be quite behind the age too, as well as running +behindhand in everything else. But to tell the truth, I never was +a very forward old fellow, nor what my farming neighbors call a +forehanded one. Indeed, those rumors about my behindhandedness +are so far correct, that I have an odd sauntering way with me +sometimes of going about with my hands behind my back. As for my +belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, I bring up +the rear of my chimney--which, by the way, is this moment before +me--and that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney +is my superior; my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with +shovel and tongs, I much minister to it; yet never does it +minister, or incline over to me; but, if anything, in its +settlings, rather leans the other way. + +My chimney is grand seignior here--the one great domineering +object, not more of the landscape, than of the house; all the +rest of which house, in each architectural arrangement, as may +shortly appear, is, in the most marked manner, accommodated, not +to my wants, but to my chimney's, which, among other things, has +the centre of the house to himself, leaving but the odd holes and +corners to me. + +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather +obese, we may have to expatiate. + +In those houses which are strictly double houses--that is, where +the hall is in the middle--the fireplaces usually are on opposite +sides; so that while one member of the household is warming +himself at a fire built into a recess of the north wall, say +another member, the former's own brother, perhaps, may be holding +his feet to the blaze before a hearth in the south wall--the two +thus fairly sitting back to back. Is this well? Be it put to any +man who has a proper fraternal feeling. Has it not a sort of +sulky appearance? But very probably this style of chimney +building originated with some architect afflicted with a +quarrelsome family. + +Then again, almost every modem fireplace has its separate +flue--separate throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least +such an arrangement is deemed desirable. Does not this look +egotistical, selfish? But still more, all these separate flues, +instead of having independent masonry establishments of their +own, or instead of being grouped together in one federal stock in +the middle of the house--instead of this, I say, each flue is +surreptitiously honey-combed into the walls; so that these last +are here and there, or indeed almost anywhere, treacherously +hollow, and, in consequence, more or less weak. Of course, the +main reason of this style of chimney building is to economize +room. In cities, where lots are sold by the inch, small space is +to spare for a chimney constructed on magnanimous principles; +and, as with most thin men, who are generally tall, so with such +houses, what is lacking in breadth, must be made up in height. +This remark holds true even with regard to many very stylish +abodes, built by the most stylish of gentlemen. And yet, when +that stylish gentleman, Louis le Grand of France, would build a +palace for his lady, friend, Madame de Maintenon, he built it but +one story high--in fact in the cottage style. But then, how +uncommonly quadrangular, spacious, and broad--horizontal acres, +not vertical ones. Such is the palace, which, in all its +one-storied magnificence of Languedoc marble, in the garden of +Versailles, still remains to this day. Any man can buy a square +foot of land and plant a liberty-pole on it; but it takes a king +to set apart whole acres for a grand triannon. + +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in +a necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is +large rivalry in building tall houses. If one gentleman builds +his house four stories high, and another gentleman comes next +door and builds five stories high, then the former, not to be +looked down upon that way, immediately sends for his architect +and claps a fifth and a sixth story on top of his previous four. +And, not till the gentleman has achieved his aspiration, not till +he has stolen over the way by twilight and observed how his sixth +story soars beyond his neighbor's fifth--not till then does he +retire to his rest with satisfaction. + +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take +this emulous conceit of soaring out of them. + +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means +lofty, aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as +if I did but fold myself about in the cloak of a general +proposition, cunningly to tickle my individual vanity beneath it, +such misconception must vanish upon my frankly conceding, that +land adjoining my alder swamp was sold last month for ten dollars +an acre, and thought a rash purchase at that; so that for wide +houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and cheap. Indeed so +cheap--dirt cheap--is the soil, that our elms thrust out their +roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most +lavish and reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are sown +broadcast, even peas and turnips. A farmer among us, who should +go about his twenty-acre field, poking his finger into it here +and there, and dropping down a mustard seed, would be thought a +penurious, narrow-minded husbandman. The dandelions in the +river-meadows, and the forget-me-nots along the mountain roads, +you see at once they are put to no economy in space. Some +seasons, too, our rye comes up here and there a spear, sole and +single like a church-spire. It doesn't care to crowd itself where +it knows there is such a deal of room. The world is wide, the +world is all before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, it is amazing +how they spread. No such thing as arresting them--some of our +pastures being a sort of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, +every spring it is like Kossuth's rising of what he calls the +peoples. Mountains, too, a regular camp-meeting of them. For the +same reason, the same all-sufficiency of room, our shadows march +and countermarch, going through their various drills and masterly +evolutions, like the old imperial guard on the Champs de Mars. +As for the hills, especially where the roads cross them the +supervisors of our various towns have given notice to all +concerned, that they can come and dig them down and cart them +off, and never a cent to pay, no more than for the privilege of +picking blackberries. The stranger who is buried here, what +liberal-hearted landed proprietor among us grudges him six feet +of rocky pasture? + +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is +trodden under foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; +and chiefly for its three great lions--the Great Oak, Ogg +Mountain, and my chimney. + +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few +exceed two. That in which I and my chimney dwell, is in width +nearly twice its height, from sill to eaves--which accounts for +the magnitude of its main content--besides showing that in this +house, as in this country at large, there is abundance of space, +and to spare, for both of us. + +The frame of the old house is of wood--which but the more sets +forth the solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the +great wrought nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these +degenerate days, so are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. The +architect of the chimney must have had the pyramid of Cheops +before him; for, after that famous structure, it seems modeled, +only its rate of decrease towards the summit is considerably +less, and it is truncated. From the exact middle of the mansion +it soars from the cellar, right up through each successive floor, +till, four feet square, it breaks water from the ridge-pole of +the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest of a +billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razed +observatory, masoned up. + +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches +upon rather delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch +as many years ago the original gable roof of the old house had +become very leaky, a temporary proprietor hired a band of +woodmen, with their huge, cross-cut saws, and went to sawing the +old gable roof clean off. Off it went, with all its birds' nests, +and dormer windows. It was replaced with a modern roof, more fit +for a railway wood-house than an old country gentleman's abode. +This operation--razeeing the structure some fifteen feet--was, in +effect upon the chimney, something like the falling of the great +spring tides. It left uncommon low water all about the +chimney--to abate which appearance, the same person now proceeds +to slice fifteen feet off the chimney itself, actually beheading +my royal old chinmey--a regicidal act, which, were it not for the +palliating fact that he was a poulterer by trade, and, therefore, +hardened to such neck-wringings, should send that former +proprietor down to posterity in the same cart with Cromwell. + +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney +inordinately widened its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but +only in the estimation of such as have no eye to the picturesque. +What care I, if, unaware that my chimney, as a free citizen of +this free land, stands upon an independent basis of its own, +people passing it, wonder how such a brick-kiln, as they call it, +is supported upon mere joists and rafters? What care I? I will +give a traveler a cup of switchel, if he want it; but am I bound +to supply him with a sweet taste? Men of cultivated minds see, in +my old house and chimney, a goodly old elephant-and-castle. + +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about +to add. The surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily +brought into the open air a part of the chimney previously under +cover, and intended to remain so, and, therefore, not built of +what are called weather-bricks. In consequence, the chimney, +though of a vigorous constitution, suffered not a little, from so +naked an exposure; and, unable to acclimate itself, ere long +began to fail--showing blotchy symptoms akin to those in measles. +Whereupon travelers, passing my way, would wag their heads, +laughing; "See that wax nose--how it melts off!" But what cared +I? The same travelers would travel across the sea to view +Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good reason: that of all +artists of the picturesque, decay wears the palm--I would say, +the ivy. In fact, I've often thought that the proper place for my +old chimney is ivied old England. + +In vain my wife--with what probable ulterior intent will, ere +long, appear--solemnly warned me, that unless something were +done, and speedily, we should be burnt to the ground, owing to +the holes crumbling through the aforesaid blotchy parts, where +the chimney joined the roof. "Wife," said I, "far better that my +house should bum down, than that my chimney should be pulled +down, though but a few feet. They call it a wax nose; very good; +not for me to tweak the nose of my superior." But at last the man +who has a mortgage on the house dropped me a note, reminding me +that, if my chimney was allowed to stand in that invalid +condition, my policy of insurance would be void. This was a sort +of hint not to be neglected. All the world over, the picturesque +yields to the pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the +mortgagee did. + +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, +and a new one fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression--being +put up by a squint-eyed mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch +in the same side--the new nose stands a little awry, in the same +direction. + +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of +the new part are unreduced. + +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to +its spaciousness below. At its base in the cellar, it is +precisely twelve feet square; and hence covers precisely one +hundred and forty-four superficial feet. What an +appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, and what a huge load +for this earth! In fact, it was only because I and my chimney +formed no part of his ancient burden, that that stout peddler, +Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up so bravely under his pack. +The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. But, like those +stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having +passed over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this +day? + +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that +vast square of masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and +wonder at it. It has a druidical look, away down in the +umbrageous cellar there whose numerous vaulted passages, and far +glens of gloom, resemble the dark, damp depths of primeval woods. +So strongly did this conceit steal over me, so deeply was I +penetrated with wonder at the chimney, that one day--when I was a +little out of my mind, I now think--getting a spade from the +garden, I set to work, digging round the foundation, especially +at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of striking +upon some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, when, +into all this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons +laid the foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an +August sun, or pelted by a March storm. Plying my blunted spade, +how vexed was I by that ungracious interruption of a neighbor +who, calling to see me upon some business, and being informed +that I was below said I need not be troubled to come up, but he +would go down to me; and so, without ceremony, and without my +having been forewarned, suddenly discovered me, digging in my +cellar. + +"Gold digging, sir?" + +"Nay, sir," answered I, starting, "I was merely--ahem!--merely--I +say I was merely digging-round my chimney." + +"Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you +regard as too small, I suppose; needing further development, +especially at the top?" + +"Sir!" said I, throwing down the spade, "do not be personal. I +and my chimney--" + +"Personal?" + +"Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as +a personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and +inferior subject." + +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or +my chimney; and never again did my visitor refer to it in my +hearing, without coupling some compliment with the mention. It +well deserves a respectful consideration. There it stands, +solitary and alone--not a council--of ten flues, but, like his +sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of an autocrat. + +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does +not look so big--no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its +magnitude can be but imperfectly comprehended, because only one +side can be received at one time; and said side can only present +twelve feet, linear measure. But then, each other side also is +twelve feet long; and the whole obviously forms a square and +twelve times twelve is one hundred and forty-four. And so, an +adequate conception of the magnitude of this chimney is only to +be got at by a sort of process in the higher mathematics by a +method somewhat akin to those whereby the surprising distances of +fixed stars are computed. + +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely +free from fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle--in the +one grand central chimney, upon all four sides of which are +hearths--two tiers of hearths--so that when, in the various +chambers, my family and guests are warming themselves of a cold +winter's night, just before retiring, then, though at the time +they may not be thinking so, all their faces mutually look +towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one centre; and, +when they go to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round one +warm chimney, like so many Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round +their one heap of embers. And just as the Indians' fire serves, +not only to keep them comfortable, but also to keep off wolves, +and other savage monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at +top, keeps off prowling burglars from the towns--for what burglar +or murderer would dare break into an abode from whose chimney +issues such a continual smoke--betokening that if the inmates are +not stirring, at least fires are, and in case of an alarm, +candles may readily be lighted, to say nothing of muskets. + +But stately as is the chimney--yea, grand high altar as it is, +right worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of +Rome, and all his cardinals--yet what is there perfect in this +world? Caius Julius Caesar, had he not been so inordinately +great, they say that Brutus, Cassius, Antony, and the rest, had +been greater. My chimney, were it not so mighty in its magnitude, +my chambers had been larger. How often has my wife ruefully told +me, that my chimney, like the English aristocracy, casts a +contracting shade all round it. She avers that endless domestic +inconveniences arise--more particularly from the chimney's +stubborn central locality. The grand objection with her is, that +it stands midway in the place where a fine entrance-hall ought to +be. In truth, there is no hall whatever to the house--nothing but +a sort of square landing-place, as you enter from the wide front +door. A roomy enough landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to +the dignity of a hall. Now, as the front door is precisely in the +middle of the front of the house, inwards it faces the chimney. +In fact, the opposite wall of the landing-place is formed solely +by the chimney; and hence-owing to the gradual tapering of the +chimney--is a little less than twelve feet in width. Climbing the +chimney in this part, is the principal staircase--which, by three +abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, mounts to the +second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort of narrow +gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to +chambers on either hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and +so, looking down upon the stairs, and all those landing-places +together, with the main one at bottom, resembles not a little a +balcony for musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times +Elizabethan. Shall I tell a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs +there, and many a time arrest Biddy in the act of brushing them +with her broom, and have many a quarrel with my wife and +daughters about it. + +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the +house, that ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, +not the first. The two floors are made one here; so that +ascending this turning stairs, you seem going up into a kind of +soaring tower, or lighthouse. At the second landing, midway up +the chimney, is a mysterious door, entering to a mysterious +closet; and here I keep mysterious cordials, of a choice, +mysterious flavor, made so by the constant nurturing and subtle +ripening of the chimney's gentle heat, distilled through that +warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than voyages to the +Indias; my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a +November day is as good for an invalid as a long season spent in +Cuba. Often I think how grapes might ripen against my chimney. +How my wife's geraniums bud there! Bud in December. Her eggs, +too--can't keep them near the chimney, an account of the +hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my chimney. + +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand +entrance-hall of hers, which was to be knocked clean through the +chimney, from one end of the house to the other, and astonish all +guests by its generous amplitude. "But, wife," said I, "the +chimney--consider the chimney: if you demolish the foundation, +what is to support the superstructure?" "Oh, that will rest on +the second floor." The truth is, women know next to nothing about +the realities of architecture. However, my wife still talked of +running her entries and partitions. She spent many long nights +elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall +through the chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere +spear of sorrel-top. At last, I gently reminded her that, little +as she might fancy it, the chimney was a fact--a sober, +substantial fact, which, in all her plannings, it would be well +to take into full consideration. But this was not of much avail. + +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few +words about this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years +nearly old as myself, in spirit she is young as my little sorrel +mare, Trigger, that threw me last fall. What is extraordinary, +though she comes of a rheumatic family, she is straight as a +pine, never has any aches; while for me with the sciatica, I am +sometimes as crippled up as any old apple-tree. But she has not +so much as a toothache. As for her hearing--let me enter the +house in my dusty boots, and she away up in the attic. And for +her sight--Biddy, the housemaid, tells other people's housemaids, +that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser straight through +the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her faculties +are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse +dying of torpor. The longest night in the year I've known her lie +awake, planning her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural +projector. The maxim, "Whatever is, is right," is not hers. Her +maxim is, Whatever is, is wrong; and what is more, must be +altered; and what is still more, must be altered right away. +Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old dreamer like me, who +dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a sabbatical +horror of industry, will, on a week day, go out of +my road a quarter of a mile, to avoid the sight of a man at work. + +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have +been just the wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How +she would have set in order that huge littered empire of the one, +and with indefatigable painstaking picked the peck of pickled +peppers for the other. + +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. +Her youthful incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still +plainer fact of death, hardly seems Christian. Advanced in years, +as she knows she must be, my wife seems to think that she is to +teem on, and be inexhaustible forever. She doesn't believe in old +age. At that strange promise in the plain of Mamre, my old wife, +unlike old Abraham's, would not have jeeringly laughed within +herself. + +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my +chimney, smoking my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at +my feet, and ashes not unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am +thus in a comfortable sort of not unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy +enough way, reminded of the ultimate exhaustion even of the most +fiery life; judge how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my +wife must come, sometimes, it is true, with a moral and a calm, +but oftener with a breeze and a ruffle. + +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by +how cogent a fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While +spicily impatient of present and past, like a glass of +ginger-beer she overflows with her schemes; and, with like energy +as she puts down her foot, puts down her preserves and her +pickles, and lives with them in a continual future; or ever full +of expectations both from time and space, is ever restless for +newspapers, and ravenous for letters. Content with the years that +are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, and looking for no +new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I have not a +single scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal resistance +of the undue encroachment of hers. + +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly +loving old Montague, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing +young people, hot rolls, new books, and early potatoes and very +fond of my old claw-footed chair, and old club-footed Deacon +White, my neighbor, and that still nigher old neighbor, my +betwisted old grape-vine, that of a summer evening leans in his +elbow for cosy company at my window-sill, while I, within doors, +lean over mine to meet his; and above all, high above all, am +fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But she, out of the +infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but newness; for +that cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in spring, as +if she were own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving after +all sorts of salads and spinages, and more particularly green +cucumbers (though all the time nature rebukes such unsuitable +young hankerings in so elderlv a person, by never permitting such +things to agree with her), and has an itch after recently- +discovered fine prospects (so no graveyard be in the background), +and also after Sweden-borganism, and the Spirit Rapping +philosophy, with other new views, alike in things natural and +unnatural; and immortally hopeful, is forever making new +flower-beds even on the north side of the house where the bleak +mountain wind would scarce allow the wiry weed called hard-hack +to gain a thorough footing; and on the road-side sets out mere +pipe-stems of young elms; though there is no hope of any shade +from them, except over the ruins of her great granddaughter's +gravestones; and won't wear caps, but plaits her gray hair; and +takes the Ladies' Magazine for the fashions; and always buys her +new almanac a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and +to the warmest sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at +odd hours with her new course of history, and her French, and her +music; and likes a young company; and offers to ride young colts; +and sets out young suckers in the orchard; and has a spite +against my elbowed old grape-vine, and my club-footed old +neighbor, and my claw-footed old chair, and above all, high above +all, would fain persecute, until death, my high-mantled old +chimney. By what perverse magic, I a thousand times think, does +such a very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young soul? +When I would remonstrate at times, she spins round on me with, +"Oh, don't you grumble, old man (she always calls me old man), +it's I, young I, that keep you from stagnating." Well, I suppose +it is so. Yea, after all, these things are well ordered. My wife, +as one of her poor relations, good soul, intimates, is the salt +of the earth, and none the less the salt of my sea, which +otherwise were unwholesome. She is its monsoon, too, blowing a +brisk gale over it, in the one steady direction of my chimney. + +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently +made me propositions to take upon herself all the +responsibilities of my affairs. She is desirous that, +domestically, I should abdicate; that, renouncing further rule, +like the venerable Charles V, I should retire intoo some sort of +monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have little +authority to lay down. By my wife's ingenious application of the +principle that certain things belong of right to female +jurisdiction, I find myself, through my easy compliances, +insensibly stripped by degrees of one masculine prerogative after +another. In a dream I go about my fields, a sort of lazy, +happy-go-lucky, good-for-nothing, loafing old Lear. Only by some +sudden revelation am I reminded who is over me; as year before +last, one day seeing in one corner of the premises fresh deposits +of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of the incident at +length begat serious meditation. "Wife," said I, "whose boards +and timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know +anything about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not +like the neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask +permission first." + +She regarded me with a pitying smile. + +"Why, old man, don't you know I am building a new barn? Didn't +you know that, old man?" + +This is the poor old lady who was accusing me of tyrannizing over +her. + +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility +of her proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a +time my wife was for a modified project. But I could never +exactly comprehend it. As far as I could see through it, it +seemed to involve the general idea of a sort of irregular +archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate the chimney at +some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully avoiding +dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly steering +clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the enterprising +traveler from the front door all the way into the dining-room in +the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold stroke of +genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero's when he schemed his +grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, +that, had her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights +hung at judicious intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or +other might have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through +the masonry, and actually emerging into the dining-room, and once +there, it would have been inhospitable treatment of such a +traveler to have denied him a recruiting meal. + +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the +end confine her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her +ambition was of the mounting order. She ascended with her schemes +to the second floor, and so to the attic. Perhaps there was some +small ground for her discontent with things as they were. The +truth is, there was no regular passage-way up-stairs or down, +unless we again except that little orchestra-gallery before +mentioned. And all this was owing to the chimney, which my +gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as the bully of the +house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers sidled up +to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney would +not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, +almost every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an +entry, or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms--a +whole suite of entries, in fact. Going through the house, you +seem to be forever going somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is +like losing one's self in the woods; round and round the chimney +you go, and if you arrive at all, it is just where you started, +and so you begin again, and again get nowhere. Indeed--though I +say it not in the way of faultfinding at all--never was there so +labyrinthine an abode. Guests will tarry with me several weeks +and every now and then, be anew astonished at some unforseen +apartment. + +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, +is peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less +than nine doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of +places. A stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, +and naturally taking no special heed at which door he entered, +will, upon rising to depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, +for instance, as opening the first door that comes handy, and +finding himself stealing up-stairs by the back passage. Shutting +that he will proceed to another, and be aghast at the cellar +yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he surprises the housemaid +at her work. In the end, no more relying on his own unaided +efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, and +in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder +as any, was that of a certain stylish young gentleman, a great +exquisite, in whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found +especial favor. He called upon the young lady one evening, and +found her alone in the dining-room at her needlework. He stayed +rather late; and after abundance of superfine discourse, all the +while retaining his hat and cane, made his profuse adieus, and +with repeated graceful bows proceeded to depart, after fashion of +courtiers from the Queen, and by so doing, opening a door at +random, with one hand placed behind, very effectually succeeded +in backing himself into a dark pantry, where be carefully shut +himself up, wondering there was no light in the entry. After +several strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he +reappeared through the same door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, +and, with a deeply embarrassed air, requested my daughter to +designate at which of the nine he should find exit. When the +mischievous Anna told me the story, she said it was surprising +how unaffected and matter-of-fact the young gentleman's manner +was after his reappearance. He was more candid than ever, to be +sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids into an open +drawer of Havana sugar, under the impression, probably, that +being what they call "a sweet fellow," his route might possibly +lie in that direction. + +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the +bewilderment of a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange +doors lying between him and it. To direct him by finger-posts +would look rather queer; and just as queer in him to be knocking +at every door on his route, like London's city guest, the king, +at Temple-Bar. + +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family +continually complained. At last my wife came out with her +sweeping proposition--in toto to abolish the chimney. + +"What!" said I, "abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of +anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and +chimneys out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead +pipes from the ground. Besides," added I, "the chimney is the one +grand permanence of this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, +then in future ages, when all the house shall have crumbled from +it, this chimney will still survive--a Bunker Hill monument. No, +no, wife, I can't abolish my backbone." + +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old +man, with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In +time, I was persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, +to take the matter into preliminary consideration. At length it +came to pass that a master-mason--a rough sort of architect--one +Mr. Scribe, was summoned to a conference. I formally introduced +him to my chimney. A previous introduction from my wife had +introduced him to myself. He had been not a little employed by +that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for some of her +extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, exhorted +from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an +unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root +of the matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for +though up-stairs it was noon, below it was night. + +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp +over head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the +hoar mass of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the +cobwebbed mausoleum of the great god Apis. + +"This is a most remarkable structure, sir," said the +master-mason, after long contemplating it in silence, "a most +remarkable structure, sir." + +"Yes," said I complacently, "every one says so." + +"But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have +inferred the magnitude of this foundation, sir," eyeing it +critically. + +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. + + "Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! +Sir, this house would appear to have been built simply for the +accommodation of your chimney." + +"Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now," I added, "would +you have such a famous chimney abolished?" + +"I wouldn't have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift," was the +reply. "It's a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, +that in retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one +hundred and forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a +considerable interest upon a considerable principal?" + +"How?" + +Look, sir!" said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, +and figuring against a whitewashed wall, "twenty times eight is +so and so; then forty-two times thirty--nine is so and so--ain't +it,sir? Well, add those together, and subtract this here, then +that makes so and so, " still chalking away. + +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me +that my chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand +and odd valuable bricks. + +"No more," said I fidgeting. "Pray now, let us have a look +above." + +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the +first and second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot +of the stairway by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. +Scribe hat in hand. + +"Well, sir," said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help +himself, fumbling with his hat, "well, sir, I think it can be +done." + +"What, pray, Mr. Scribe; WHAT can be done?" + +"Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think." + +"I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe" said I, turning the knob +and bowing him towards the open space without, "I will THINK of +it, sir; it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good +morning, Mr. Scribe." + +"It is all arranged, then," cried my wife with great glee, +bursting from the nighest room. + +"When will they begin?" demanded my daughter Julia. + +"To-morrow?" asked Anna. + +"Patience, patience, my dears," said I, "such a big chimney is +not to be abolished in a minute." + +Next morning it began again. + +"You remember the chimney," said my wife. "Wife," said I, "it is +never out of my house and never out of my mind." + +"But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?" asked Anna. + + "Not to-day, Anna," said I. + +"WHEN, then?" demanded Julia, in alarm. + +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for +ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of +bells, always chiming together, or taking up each other's +melodies at every pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very +sweet ringing, and pealing, and chiming, I confess; but then, the +most silvery of bells may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as +merrily play. And as touching the subject in question, it became +so now. Perceiving a strange relapse of opposition in me, wife +and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, melancholy tolling +over it. + +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with +pointed finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should +regard it as the monument of what she called my broken pledge. +But finding this did not answer, the next day, she gave me to +understand that either she or the chimney must quit the house. + +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe +philosophized over them awhile, and finally concluded between us, +that little as our hearts went with the plan, yet for peace' +sake, I might write out the chimney's death-warrant, and, while +my hand was in, scratch a note to Mr. Scribe. + +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been +so much together, were three great cronies, the facility with +which my pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of +our trio; or rather, the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, +conspired togetber, as it were, against our unsuspicious old +comrade--this may seem rather strange, if not suggestive of sad +reflections upon us two. But, indeed, we, sons of clay, that is +my pipe and I, are no wbit better than the rest. Far from us, +indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our crony. We are of +a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was which made +us false to a mutual friend, as soon as his cause demanded a +vigorous vindication. But, I rejoice to add, that better and +braver thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. + +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. + +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary +estimate. + +"I will do it for five hundred dollars," said Mr. Scribe at last, +again hat in hand. + +"Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it," replied I, again +bowing him to the door. + +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, +again he withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst +the old exclamations. + +The truth is, resolved how I would, at the last pinch I and my +chimney could not be parted. + +So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks +for it" said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that +half-didactic, half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to +bear than her most energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with +her a pet name for any fell domestic despot. So, whenever, +against her most ambitious innovations, those which saw me quite +across the grain, I, as in the present instance, stand with +however little steadfastness on the defence, she is sure to call +me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first opportunity to read +aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, the first +newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, after +being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating +his long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched +off its hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of +the window, suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall +scored with the butcher's and baker's bills, and so rushes +headlong to his dreadful account. + +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I +heard no further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, +but beneath which, as in the sea, there was no knowing what +portentous movements might be going on. She frequently went +abroad, and in a direction which I thought not unsuspicious; +namely, in the direction of New Petra, a griffin-like house of +wood and stucco, in the highest style of ornamental art, graced +with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons spouting smoke +from their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr. Scribe, +which he had built for the purpose of a standing advertisement, +not more of his taste as an architect, than his solidity as a +master-mason. + +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, +and my wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a +note. As I have no correspondents except Solomon, with whom in +his sentiments, at least, I entirely correspond, the note +occasioned me some little surprise, which was not dismissed upon +reading the following:-- + +NEW PETRA, April 1st. +Sir--During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may +have noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner +apparently unnecessary. Possibly, also, at the same time, you +might have observed in me more or less of perplexity, to which, +however, I refrained from giving any verbal expression. + +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then +but a dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give +utterance to, but which now, from various subsequent calculations +assuming no little probability, it may be important that you +should not remain in further ignorance of. + +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is +architectural cause to conjecture that somewhere concealed in +your chimney is a reserved space, hermetically closed, in short, +a secret chamber, or rather closet. How long it has been there, +it is for me impossible to say. What it contains is hid, with +itself, in darkness. But probably a secret closet would not have +been contrived except for some extraordinary object, whether for +the concealment of treasure, or for what other purpose, may be +left to those better acquainted with the history of the house to +guess. + +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is +eased. Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a +matter of indifference to me; though, I confess, as respects the +character of the closet, I cannot but share in a natural +curiosity. Trusting that you may be guided aright, in determining +whether it is Christian-like knowingly to reside in a house, +hidden in which is a secret closet, I remain, with much respect, +Yours very humbly, + +HIRAM SCRIBE. + + +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged +mystery of manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none +such had I at all observed in the master-mason during his +surveys--but of my late kinsman, Captain Julian Dacres, long a +ship-master and merchant in the Indian trade, who, about thirty +years ago, and at the ripe age of ninety, died a bachelor, and in +this very house, which he had built. He was supposed to have +retired into this country with a large fortune. But to the +general surprise, after being at great cost in building himself +this mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved and +inexpensive old age, which by the neighbors was thought all the +better for his heirs: but lo! upon opening the will, his property +was found to consist but of the house and grounds, and some ten +thousand dollars in stocks; but the place, being found heavily +mortgaged, was in consequence sold. Gossip had its day, and left +the grass quietly to creep over the captain's grave, where he +still slumbers in a privacy as unmolested as if the billows of +the Indian Ocean, instead of the billows of inland verdure, +rolled over him. Still, I remembered long ago, hearing strange +solutions whispered by the country people for the mystery +involving his will, and, by reflex, himself; and that, too, as +well in conscience as purse. But people who could circulate the +report (which they did), that Captain Julian Dacres had, in his +day, been a Borneo pirate, surely were not worthy of credence in +their collateral notions. It is queer what wild whimsies of +rumors will, like toadstools, spring up about any eccentric +stranger, who settling down among a rustic population, keeps +quietly to himself. With some, inoffensiveness would seem a prime +cause of offense. But what chiefly had led me to scout at these +rumors, particularly as referring to concealed treasure, was the +circumstance, that the stranger (the same who razeed the roof and +the chimney) into whose hands the estate had passed on my +kinsman's death, was of that sort of character, that had there +been the least ground for those reports, he would speedily have +tested them, by tearing down and rummaging the walls. + +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the +memory of my kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been +mysterious, or at least unexplained, about him; vague flashings +of ingots united in my mind with vague gleamings of skulls. But +the first cool thought soon dismissed such chimeras; and, with a +calm smile, I turned towards my wife, who, meantime, had been +sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare say, to know who could +have taken it into his head to write me a letter. + +"Well, old man," said she, "who is it from, and what is it +about?" + +"Read it, wife," said I, handing it. + + Read it she did, and then--such an explosion! I will not pretend +to describe her emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that +my daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement. +Although they had never dreamed of such a revelation as Mr. +Scribe's; yet upon the first suggestion they instinctively saw +the extreme likelihood of it. In corroboration, they cited first +my kinsman, and second, my chimney; alleging that the profound +mystery involving the former, and the equally profound masonry +involving the latter, though both acknowledged facts, were alike +preposterous on any other supposition than the secret closet. + +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be +hidden from me that my credulity in this instance would operate +very favorably to a certain plan of theirs? How to get to the +secret closet, or how to have any certainty about it at all, +without making such fell work with my chimney as to render its +set destruction superfluous? That my wife wished to get rid of +the chimney, it needed no reflection to show; and that Mr. +Scribe, for all his pretended disinterestedness, was not opposed +to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation, seemed +equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads together +with Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I +consider her enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with +which at the last she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by +hook or crook she can, especially after having been once baffled, +why, I scarcely knew at what step of hers to be surprised. + +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should +not budge. + +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, +where I had noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for +its doughty exploits in the way of scratching into forbidden +enclosures, had been rewarded by its master with a portentous, +four-pronged, wooden decoration, in the shape of a collar of the +Order of the Garotte. This gander I cornered and rummaging out +its stiffest quill, plucked it, took it home, and making a stiff +pen, inscribed the following stiff note: + +CHIMNEY SIDE, April 2. +MR. SCRIBE +Sir:-For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks and +compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that we shall remain, +Very faithfully, +The same, +I AND MY CHIMNEY. + +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp +raps. But having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. +Scribe's note had not altered my mind one jot, my wife, to move +me, among other things said, that if she remembered aright, there +was a statute placing the keeping in private of secret closets on +the same unlawful footing with the keeping of gunpowder. But it +had no effect. + +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. + +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who +sat up, one in each chimney- corner; she, needles in hand, +indefatigably knitting a sock; I, pipe in mouth, indolently +weaving my vapors. + +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was +a fire on the hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and +heavy; the wood, by an oversight, of the sort called soggy. + +"Do look at the chimney," she began; "can't you see that +something must be in it?" + +"Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. +Scribe's note." + +"Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old +sinners do smoke!--this wicked old chimney and you." + +"Wife," said I, "I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke +together, it is true, but we don't like to be called names." + +"Now, dear old man," said she, softening down, and a little +shifting the subject, "when you think of that old kinsman of +yours, you KNOW there must be a secret closet in this chimney." + +"Secret ash-hole, wife, why don't you have it? Yes, I dare say +there is a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the +ashes go to that drop down the queer hole yonder?" + +"I know where they go to; I've been there almost as many times as +the cat." + +"What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don't +you know that St. Dunstan's devil emerged from the ash-hole? You +will get your death one of these days, exploring all about as you +do. But supposing there be a secret closet, what then?" + +"What then? why what should be in a secret closet but--" + +"Dry bones, wife," broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. + +"There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes," wiping +her eyes with her handkerchief. "I've no doubt the reason it +smokes so is, because that secret closet interferes with the +flue. Do see, too, how the jambs here keep settling; and it's +down hill all the way from the door to this hearth. This horrid +old chimney will fall on our heads yet; depend upon it, old man." + +"Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every +dependence on my chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, +am settling, you know, in my gait. I and my chimney are settling +together, and shall keep settling, too, till, as in a great +feather-bed, we shall both have settled away clean out of sight. +But this secret oven; I mean, secret closet of yours, wife; where +exactly do you suppose that secret closet is? " + +"That is for Mr. Scribe to say." + +"But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?" + +"Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or +other in this horrid old chimney." + +"And if he can't prove that; what, then?" + +"Why then, old man," with a stately air, "I shall say little more +about it." + +"Agreed, wife," returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the +jamb, "and now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. +Scribe. Wife, the sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this +pipe on the mantel." + +"If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old +chimney, this abominable old-fashioned old chimney's mantels are +so high, I can't reach them." + +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate +fling at the pile. + +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that +besides the fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most +haphazard way, excavated on each floor for certain curious +out-of-the-way cupboards and closets, of all sorts and sizes, +clinging here and there, like nests in the crotches of some old +oak. On the second floor these closets were by far the most +irregular and numerous. And yet this should hardly have been so, +since the theory of the chimney was, that it pyramidically +diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of its square on the +roof was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the reduction +must be methodically graduated from bottom to top. + +"Mr. Scribe," said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, +that individual again came, "my object in sending for you this +morning is, not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor +to have any particular conversation about it, but simply to allow +you every reasonable facility for verifying, if you can, the +conjecture communicated in your note." + +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my +phlegmatic reception, so different from what he had looked for; +with much apparent alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing +open the cupboards on the first floor, and peering into the +closets on the second; measuring one within, and then comparing +that measurement with the measurement without. Removing the +fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no sign of the hidden +work yet. + +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling +conceivable. They, as it were, dovetailed into each other. They +were of all shapes; not one mathematically square room among them +all--a peculiarity which by the master-mason had not been +unobserved. With a significant, not to say portentous expression, +he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring the area of each room +around it; then going down stairs, and out of doors, he measured +the entire ground area; then compared the sum total of the areas +of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground area; then, +returning to me in no small excitement, announced that there was +a difference of no less than two hundred and odd square +feet--room enough, in all conscience, for a secret closet. + +"But, Mr. Scribe," said I, stroking my chin, "have you allowed +for the walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, +you know." + +"Ah, I had forgotten that," tapping his forehead; "but," still +ciphering on his paper, "that will not make up the deficiency." + + "But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many +fireplaces on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in +short, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the legitimate chimney +itself--some one hundred and forty-four square feet or +thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?" + +"How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too." + +"Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?" + +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, "But we must now +allow one hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate +chimney. My position is, that within those undue limits the +secret closet is contained." + +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: + + "Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay +your finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you +believe this secret closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand +assist you, Mr. Scribe?" + +"No, Sir, but a crowbar would," he, with temper, rejoined. + +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I +looked at him with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat +uneasy. More than ever now I suspected a plot. I remembered what +my wife had said about abiding by the decision of Mr. Scribe. In +a bland way, I resolved to buy up the decision of Mr. Scribe. + +"Sir," said I, "really, I am much obliged to you for this survey. +It has quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. +Scribe, must feel much relieved. Sir," I added, "you have made +three visits to the chimney. With a business man, time is money. +Here are fifty dollars, Mr. Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned +it. Your opinion is worth it. And by the way,"--as he modestly +received the money-"have you any objections to give me +a--a--little certificate--something, say, like a steamboat +certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have +surveyed my chimney, and found no reason to believe any +unsoundness; in short, any--any secret closet in it. Would you be +so kind, Mr. Scribe?" + +"But, but, sir," stammered he with honest hesitation. + +"Here, here are pen and paper," said I, with entire assurance. + +Enough. + +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the +dining-room fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it +would forever put at rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my +household. + +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old +chimney, still to this day my wife goes about it, with my +daughter Anna's geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and +then holding her ear against it, as I have seen the physicians of +life insurance companies tap a man's chest, and then incline over +for the echo. Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one, going +about on this phantom errand, and still following the sepulchral +response of the chimney, round and round, as if it were leading +her to the threshold of the secret closet. + +"How hollow it sounds," she will hollowly cry. "Yes, I declare," +with an emphatic tap, "there is a secret closet here. Here, in +this very spot. Hark! How hollow!" + +"Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid +chimney?" But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not +me, but their mother. + +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and +return to the genuine ground of attack--the unsightliness of so +cumbrous a pile, with comments upon the great addition of room to +be gained by its demolition, and the fine effect of the projected +grand hall, and the convenience resulting from the collateral +running in one direction and another of their various partitions. +Not more ruthlessly did the Three Powers partition away poor +Poland, than my wife and daughters would fain partition away my +chimney. + +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our +pipes, my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, +enlarging upon what wonders are there, and what a shame it is, +not to seek it out and explore it. + +"Wife," said I, upon one of these occasions, "why speak more of +that secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary +testimony of a master mason, elected by yourself to decide. +Besides, even if there were a secret closet, secret it should +remain, and secret it shall. Yes, wife, here for once I must say +my say. Infinite sad mischief has resulted from the profane +bursting open of secret recesses. Though standing in the heart of +this house, though hitherto we have all nestled about it, +unsuspicious of aught hidden within, this chimney may or may not +have a secret closet. But if it have, it is my kinsman's. To +break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. And +that wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a +churchrobbing gossip and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping +varlet was Momus." + +"Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and Moses?" + +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not +a fig for philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical +companionship, I and my chimney have to smoke and philosophize +together. And sitting up so late as we do at it, a mighty smoke +it is that we two smoky old philosophers make. + +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she +does that of the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in +continual dread lest, like the golden bowl, the pipes of me and +my chimney shall yet be broken. To stay that mad project of my +wife's, naught answers. Or, rather, she herself is incessantly +answering, incessantly besetting me with her terrible alacrity +for improvement, which is a softer name for destruction. Scarce +a day I do not find her with her tape-measure, measuring for her +grand hall, while Anna holds a yardstick on one side, and Julia +looks approvingly on from the other. Mysterious intimations +appear in the nearest village paper, signed "Claude," to the +effect that a certain structure, standing on a certain hill, is a +sad blemish to an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous letters +arrive, threatening me with I know not what, unless I remove my +chimney. Is it my wife, too, or who, that sets up the neighbors +to badgering me on the same subject, and hinting to me that my +chimney, like a huge elm, absorbs all moisture from my garden? At +night, also, my wife will start as from sleep, professing to hear +ghostly noises from the secret closet. Assailed on all sides, and +in all ways, small peace have I and my chimney. + +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up and remove +from the country. + +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a +whole portfolio of plans and estimates. Another time, upon +returning after a day's absence, I discovered my wife standing +before the chimney in earnest conversation with a person whom I +at once recognized as a meddlesome architectural reformer, who, +because he had no gift for putting up anything was ever intent +upon pulling them down; in various parts of the country having +prevailed upon half-witted old folks to destroy their +old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. + +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early +morning from a visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, +narrowly escaped three brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at +my feet. Glancing up, what was my horror to see three savages, in +blue jean overalls in the very act of commencing the +long-threatened attack. Aye, indeed, thinking of those three +brickbats, I and my chimney have had narrow escapes. + +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from my home. My +city friends all wonder why I don't come to see them, as in +former times. They think I am getting sour and unsocial. Some say +that I have become a sort of mossy old misanthrope, while all the +time the fact is, I am simply standing guard over my mossy old +chimney; for it is resolved between me and my chimney, that I and +my chimney will never surrender. + + + + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + diff --git a/old/chmny10.zip b/old/chmny10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c6d0878 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chmny10.zip |