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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes index 6833f05..d7b82bc 100644 --- a/.gitattributes +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -1,3 +1,4 @@ -* text=auto -*.txt text -*.md text +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/30240-0.txt b/30240-0.txt index 31d92d5..19ef900 100644 --- a/30240-0.txt +++ b/30240-0.txt @@ -1,5 +1,8 @@ *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30240 *** + + + THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER @@ -487,9 +490,4 @@ Transcriber's Note: typographical errors have been corrected without note. - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30240 *** diff --git a/30240-h.zip b/30240-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index afdc526..0000000 --- a/30240-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/30240-h/30240-h.htm b/30240-h/30240-h.htm index 8565195..dbe14c9 100644 --- a/30240-h/30240-h.htm +++ b/30240-h/30240-h.htm @@ -1,14 +1,10 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. - </title> - <style type="text/css"> + <meta charset="utf-8"> +<title>The Big Trip Up Yonder | Project Gutenberg</title> +<link rel="icon" href="images/002-2.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} h1 {text-align: center; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} @@ -25,7 +21,7 @@ .trn {border: solid 1px; margin: 3em 15%; min-height: 230px;} .trn p {margin: 15px;} .bk1 {margin: 0 auto; width: 27em;} - .bk2 {margin: 2em auto;} + .bk2 {margin: 2em auto; text-indent: 3em;} .sp1 {font-size: 125%;} </style> @@ -33,15 +29,19 @@ <body> <div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30240 ***</div> -<h1><span class="sp1">THE BIG TRIP<br /> +<h1><span class="sp1">THE BIG TRIP<br > UP YONDER</span></h1> -<div class="bk1"><h2>By KURT VONNEGUT, JR.</h2> +<div class="bk1"> + <h2>By KURT VONNEGUT, JR.</h2> -<p class="rgt"><b>Illustrated by KOSSIN</b></p> + <p class="rgt"><b>Illustrated by KOSSIN</b></p> +</div> -<div class="bk2"><p><i><big><b>If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is -much too good for anyone else!</b></big></i></p></div></div> +<div class="bk2"> + <p><i><span style="font-size: larger"><b>If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is + much too good for anyone else!</b></span></i></p> +</div> <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">Gramps Ford</span>, his chin resting on his hands, his @@ -96,7 +96,7 @@ wedged for two days in a ..."</p> more cheerful," Emerald whispered to Lou.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">"Silence!"</span> cried Gramps. "Next one shoots off his big @@ -208,7 +208,7 @@ handed Gramps the will.</p> <p>"Pen!" said Gramps.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">He</span> was instantly offered eleven pens, one from each couple.</p> @@ -243,7 +243,7 @@ like a bass note on a cathedral organ.</p> <div class="figr"> -<img src="images/001.png" width="347" height="500" alt="" title="" /> +<img src="images/001.png" alt="" title="" style="width: 347px; height: 500px"> </div> <p>"I, Harold D. Ford, residing @@ -301,7 +301,7 @@ the disinheritance, causes for which were disrespectfulness and quibbling.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">In</span> the paragraph following, the paragraph that had belonged @@ -408,7 +408,7 @@ pouring out into the rest of the apartment, through the keyhole and under the door.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">The</span> bottle gurgled monotonously. Suddenly, up came the @@ -491,7 +491,7 @@ He wanted him."</p> Em?" said Lou hollowly. "What's he going to do?"</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">Lou</span> and Emerald stayed fearfully awake almost all night, @@ -588,7 +588,7 @@ and behind the drapes, for all that was mortal of Gramps, father of the clan.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">But</span> Gramps had left not his Earthly husk but a note, @@ -703,7 +703,7 @@ want to think."</p> <p>A vase shattered against the wall, inches above his head.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">In</span> the next moment, a free-for-all was under way, with @@ -785,7 +785,7 @@ in!"</p> <p>The prisoners instantly fell silent.</p> -<hr /> +<hr > <p class="cap"><span class="dcap">The</span> living room of the apartment darkened for a moment @@ -873,9 +873,9 @@ happen next.</p> <div class="trn"> -<div class="figt"><a href="images/002-2.jpg"><img src="images/002-1.jpg" width="146" height="200" alt="" title="" /></a></div> +<div class="figt"><a href="images/002-2.jpg"><img src="images/002-1.jpg" alt="" title="" style="width: 146px; height: 200px"></a></div> -<p><big><b>Transcriber's Note:</b></big></p> +<p><span style="font-size: larger"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b></span></p> <p>This etext was produced from <i>Galaxy Science Fiction</i> January 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. diff --git a/30240.txt b/30240.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 88e139b..0000000 --- a/30240.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,889 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Big Trip Up Yonder - -Author: Kurt Vonnegut - -Illustrator: Kossin - -Release Date: October 13, 2009 [EBook #30240] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - THE BIG TRIP - UP YONDER - -By KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - -Illustrated by KOSSIN - - - _If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is - much too good for anyone else!_ - - -Gramps Ford, his chin resting on his hands, his hands on the crook of -his cane, was staring irascibly at the five-foot television screen that -dominated the room. On the screen, a news commentator was summarizing -the day's happenings. Every thirty seconds or so, Gramps would jab the -floor with his cane-tip and shout, "Hell, we did that a hundred years -ago!" - -Emerald and Lou, coming in from the balcony, where they had been seeking -that 2185 A.D. rarity--privacy--were obliged to take seats in the back -row, behind Lou's father and mother, brother and sister-in-law, son and -daughter-in-law, grandson and wife, granddaughter and husband, -great-grandson and wife, nephew and wife, grandnephew and wife, -great-grandniece and husband, great-grandnephew and wife--and, of -course, Gramps, who was in front of everybody. All save Gramps, who was -somewhat withered and bent, seemed, by pre-anti-gerasone standards, to -be about the same age--somewhere in their late twenties or early -thirties. Gramps looked older because he had already reached 70 when -anti-gerasone was invented. He had not aged in the 102 years since. - -"Meanwhile," the commentator was saying, "Council Bluffs, Iowa, was -still threatened by stark tragedy. But 200 weary rescue workers have -refused to give up hope, and continue to dig in an effort to save Elbert -Haggedorn, 183, who has been wedged for two days in a ..." - -"I wish he'd get something more cheerful," Emerald whispered to Lou. - - * * * * * - -"Silence!" cried Gramps. "Next one shoots off his big bazoo while the -TV's on is gonna find hisself cut off without a dollar--" his voice -suddenly softened and sweetened--"when they wave that checkered flag at -the Indianapolis Speedway, and old Gramps gets ready for the Big Trip Up -Yonder." - -He sniffed sentimentally, while his heirs concentrated desperately on -not making the slightest sound. For them, the poignancy of the -prospective Big Trip had been dulled somewhat, through having been -mentioned by Gramps about once a day for fifty years. - -"Dr. Brainard Keyes Bullard," continued the commentator, "President of -Wyandotte College, said in an address tonight that most of the world's -ills can be traced to the fact that Man's knowledge of himself has not -kept pace with his knowledge of the physical world." - -"_Hell!_" snorted Gramps. "We said _that_ a hundred years ago!" - -"In Chicago tonight," the commentator went on, "a special celebration is -taking place in the Chicago Lying-in Hospital. The guest of honor -is Lowell W. Hitz, age zero. Hitz, born this morning, is the -twenty-five-millionth child to be born in the hospital." The commentator -faded, and was replaced on the screen by young Hitz, who squalled -furiously. - -"Hell!" whispered Lou to Emerald. "We said that a hundred years ago." - -"I heard that!" shouted Gramps. He snapped off the television set and -his petrified descendants stared silently at the screen. "You, there, -boy--" - -"I didn't mean anything by it, sir," said Lou, aged 103. - -"Get me my will. You know where it is. You kids _all_ know where it is. -Fetch, boy!" Gramps snapped his gnarled fingers sharply. - -Lou nodded dully and found himself going down the hall, picking his way -over bedding to Gramps' room, the only private room in the Ford -apartment. The other rooms were the bathroom, the living room and the -wide windowless hallway, which was originally intended to serve as a -dining area, and which had a kitchenette in one end. Six mattresses and -four sleeping bags were dispersed in the hallway and living room, and -the daybed, in the living room, accommodated the eleventh couple, the -favorites of the moment. - -On Gramps' bureau was his will, smeared, dog-eared, perforated and -blotched with hundreds of additions, deletions, accusations, conditions, -warnings, advice and homely philosophy. The document was, Lou reflected, -a fifty-year diary, all jammed onto two sheets--a garbled, illegible log -of day after day of strife. This day, Lou would be disinherited for the -eleventh time, and it would take him perhaps six months of impeccable -behavior to regain the promise of a share in the estate. To say nothing -of the daybed in the living room for Em and himself. - -"Boy!" called Gramps. - -"Coming, sir." Lou hurried back into the living room and handed Gramps -the will. - -"Pen!" said Gramps. - - * * * * * - -He was instantly offered eleven pens, one from each couple. - -"Not _that_ leaky thing," he said, brushing Lou's pen aside. "Ah, -_there's_ a nice one. Good boy, Willy." He accepted Willy's pen. That -was the tip they had all been waiting for. Willy, then--Lou's -father--was the new favorite. - -Willy, who looked almost as young as Lou, though he was 142, did a poor -job of concealing his pleasure. He glanced shyly at the daybed, which -would become his, and from which Lou and Emerald would have to move back -into the hall, back to the worst spot of all by the bathroom door. - -Gramps missed none of the high drama he had authored and he gave his own -familiar role everything he had. Frowning and running his finger along -each line, as though he were seeing the will for the first time, he read -aloud in a deep portentous monotone, like a bass note on a cathedral -organ. - -[Illustration] - -"I, Harold D. Ford, residing in Building 257 of Alden Village, New York -City, Connecticut, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my -last Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and -codicils by me at any time heretofore made." He blew his nose -importantly and went on, not missing a word, and repeating many for -emphasis--repeating in particular his ever-more-elaborate specifications -for a funeral. - -At the end of these specifications, Gramps was so choked with emotion -that Lou thought he might have forgotten why he'd brought out the will -in the first place. But Gramps heroically brought his powerful emotions -under control and, after erasing for a full minute, began to write and -speak at the same time. Lou could have spoken his lines for him, he had -heard them so often. - -"I have had many heartbreaks ere leaving this vale of tears for a better -land," Gramps said and wrote. "But the deepest hurt of all has been -dealt me by--" He looked around the group, trying to remember who the -malefactor was. - -Everyone looked helpfully at Lou, who held up his hand resignedly. - -Gramps nodded, remembering, and completed the sentence--"my -great-grandson, Louis J. Ford." - -"Grandson, sir," said Lou. - -"Don't quibble. You're in deep enough now, young man," said Gramps, but -he made the change. And, from there, he went without a misstep through -the phrasing of the disinheritance, causes for which were -disrespectfulness and quibbling. - - * * * * * - -In the paragraph following, the paragraph that had belonged to everyone -in the room at one time or another, Lou's name was scratched out and -Willy's substituted as heir to the apartment and, the biggest plum of -all, the double bed in the private bedroom. - -"So!" said Gramps, beaming. He erased the date at the foot of the will -and substituted a new one, including the time of day. "Well--time to -watch the McGarvey Family." The McGarvey Family was a television serial -that Gramps had been following since he was 60, or for a total of 112 -years. "I can't wait to see what's going to happen next," he said. - -Lou detached himself from the group and lay down on his bed of pain by -the bathroom door. Wishing Em would join him, he wondered where she was. - -He dozed for a few moments, until he was disturbed by someone stepping -over him to get into the bathroom. A moment later, he heard a faint -gurgling sound, as though something were being poured down the washbasin -drain. Suddenly, it entered his mind that Em had cracked up, that she -was in there doing something drastic about Gramps. - -"Em?" he whispered through the panel. There was no reply, and Lou -pressed against the door. The worn lock, whose bolt barely engaged its -socket, held for a second, then let the door swing inward. - -"Morty!" gasped Lou. - -Lou's great-grandnephew, Mortimer, who had just married and brought his -wife home to the Ford menage, looked at Lou with consternation and -surprise. Morty kicked the door shut, but not before Lou had glimpsed -what was in his hand--Gramps' enormous economy-size bottle of -anti-gerasone, which had apparently been half-emptied, and which Morty -was refilling with tap water. - -A moment later, Morty came out, glared defiantly at Lou and brushed past -him wordlessly to rejoin his pretty bride. - -Shocked, Lou didn't know what to do. He couldn't let Gramps take the -mousetrapped anti-gerasone--but, if he warned Gramps about it, Gramps -would certainly make life in the apartment, which was merely -insufferable now, harrowing. - -Lou glanced into the living room and saw that the Fords, Emerald among -them, were momentarily at rest, relishing the botches that the McGarveys -had made of _their_ lives. Stealthily, he went into the bathroom, locked -the door as well as he could and began to pour the contents of Gramps' -bottle down the drain. He was going to refill it with full-strength -anti-gerasone from the 22 smaller bottles on the shelf. - -The bottle contained a half-gallon, and its neck was small, so it seemed -to Lou that the emptying would take forever. And the almost -imperceptible smell of anti-gerasone, like Worcestershire sauce, now -seemed to Lou, in his nervousness, to be pouring out into the rest of -the apartment, through the keyhole and under the door. - - * * * * * - -The bottle gurgled monotonously. Suddenly, up came the sound of music -from the living room and there were murmurs and the scraping of -chair-legs on the floor. "Thus ends," said the television announcer, -"the 29,121st chapter in the life of your neighbors and mine, the -McGarveys." Footsteps were coming down the hall. There was a knock on -the bathroom door. - -"Just a sec," Lou cheerily called out. Desperately, he shook the big -bottle, trying to speed up the flow. His palms slipped on the wet glass, -and the heavy bottle smashed on the tile floor. - -The door was pushed open, and Gramps, dumbfounded, stared at the -incriminating mess. - -Lou felt a hideous prickling sensation on his scalp and the back of his -neck. He grinned engagingly through his nausea and, for want of anything -remotely resembling a thought, waited for Gramps to speak. - -"Well, boy," said Gramps at last, "looks like you've got a little -tidying up to do." - -And that was all he said. He turned around, elbowed his way through the -crowd and locked himself in his bedroom. - -The Fords contemplated Lou in incredulous silence a moment longer, and -then hurried back to the living room, as though some of his horrible -guilt would taint them, too, if they looked too long. Morty stayed -behind long enough to give Lou a quizzical, annoyed glance. Then he also -went into the living room, leaving only Emerald standing in the doorway. - -Tears streamed over her cheeks. "Oh, you poor lamb--_please_ don't look -so awful! It was my fault. I put you up to this with my nagging about -Gramps." - -"No," said Lou, finding his voice, "really you didn't. Honest, Em, I was -just--" - -"You don't have to explain anything to me, hon. I'm on your side, no -matter what." She kissed him on one cheek and whispered in his ear, "It -wouldn't have been murder, hon. It wouldn't have killed him. It wasn't -such a terrible thing to do. It just would have fixed him up so he'd be -able to go any time God decided He wanted him." - -"What's going to happen next, Em?" said Lou hollowly. "What's he going -to do?" - - * * * * * - -Lou and Emerald stayed fearfully awake almost all night, waiting to see -what Gramps was going to do. But not a sound came from the sacred -bedroom. Two hours before dawn, they finally dropped off to sleep. - -At six o'clock, they arose again, for it was time for their generation -to eat breakfast in the kitchenette. No one spoke to them. They had -twenty minutes in which to eat, but their reflexes were so dulled by the -bad night that they had hardly swallowed two mouthfuls of egg-type -processed seaweed before it was time to surrender their places to their -son's generation. - -Then, as was the custom for whoever had been most recently disinherited, -they began preparing Gramps' breakfast, which would presently be served -to him in bed, on a tray. They tried to be cheerful about it. The -toughest part of the job was having to handle the honest-to-God eggs and -bacon and oleomargarine, on which Gramps spent so much of the income -from his fortune. - -"Well," said Emerald, "I'm not going to get all panicky until I'm sure -there's something to be panicky about." - -"Maybe he doesn't know what it was I busted," Lou said hopefully. - -"Probably thinks it was your watch crystal," offered Eddie, their son, -who was toying apathetically with his buckwheat-type processed sawdust -cakes. - -"Don't get sarcastic with your father," said Em, "and don't talk with -your mouth full, either." - -"I'd like to see anybody take a mouthful of this stuff and _not_ say -something," complained Eddie, who was 73. He glanced at the clock. "It's -time to take Gramps his breakfast, you know." - -"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" said Lou weakly. He shrugged. "Let's have the -tray, Em." - -"We'll both go." - -Walking slowly, smiling bravely, they found a large semi-circle of -long-faced Fords standing around the bedroom door. - -Em knocked. "Gramps," she called brightly, "_break_-fast is _rea_-dy." - -There was no reply and she knocked again, harder. - -The door swung open before her fist. In the middle of the room, the -soft, deep, wide, canopied bed, the symbol of the sweet by-and-by to -every Ford, was empty. - -A sense of death, as unfamiliar to the Fords as Zoroastrianism or the -causes of the Sepoy Mutiny, stilled every voice, slowed every heart. -Awed, the heirs began to search gingerly, under the furniture and behind -the drapes, for all that was mortal of Gramps, father of the clan. - - * * * * * - -But Gramps had left not his Earthly husk but a note, which Lou finally -found on the dresser, under a paperweight which was a treasured souvenir -from the World's Fair of 2000. Unsteadily, Lou read it aloud: - -"'Somebody who I have sheltered and protected and taught the best I know -how all these years last night turned on me like a mad dog and diluted -my anti-gerasone, or tried to. I am no longer a young man. I can no -longer bear the crushing burden of life as I once could. So, after last -night's bitter experience, I say good-by. The cares of this world will -soon drop away like a cloak of thorns and I shall know peace. By the -time you find this, I will be gone.'" - -"Gosh," said Willy brokenly, "he didn't even get to see how the -5000-mile Speedway Race was going to come out." - -"Or the Solar Series," Eddie said, with large mournful eyes. - -"Or whether Mrs. McGarvey got her eyesight back," added Morty. - -"There's more," said Lou, and he began reading aloud again: "'I, Harold -D. Ford, etc., do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last -Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and codicils by me -at any time heretofore made.'" - -"No!" cried Willy. "Not another one!" - -"'I do stipulate,'" read Lou, "'that all of my property, of whatsoever -kind and nature, not be divided, but do devise and bequeath it to be -held in common by my issue, without regard for generation, equally, -share and share alike.'" - -"Issue?" said Emerald. - -Lou included the multitude in a sweep of his hand. "It means we all own -the whole damn shootin' match." - -Each eye turned instantly to the bed. - -"Share and share alike?" asked Morty. - -"Actually," said Willy, who was the oldest one present, "it's just like -the old system, where the oldest people head up things with their -headquarters in here and--" - -"I like _that_!" exclaimed Em. "Lou owns as much of it as you do, and I -say it ought to be for the oldest one who's still working. You can -snooze around here all day, waiting for your pension check, while poor -Lou stumbles in here after work, all tuckered out, and--" - -"How about letting somebody who's never had _any_ privacy get a little -crack at it?" Eddie demanded hotly. "Hell, you old people had plenty of -privacy back when you were kids. I was born and raised in the middle of -that goddamn barracks in the hall! How about--" - -"Yeah?" challenged Morty. "Sure, you've all had it pretty tough, and my -heart bleeds for you. But try honeymooning in the hall for a real kick." - -"_Silence!_" shouted Willy imperiously. "The next person who opens his -mouth spends the next sixth months by the bathroom. Now clear out of my -room. I want to think." - -A vase shattered against the wall, inches above his head. - - * * * * * - -In the next moment, a free-for-all was under way, with each couple -battling to eject every other couple from the room. Fighting coalitions -formed and dissolved with the lightning changes of the tactical -situation. Em and Lou were thrown into the hall, where they organized -others in the same situation, and stormed back into the room. - -After two hours of struggle, with nothing like a decision in sight, the -cops broke in, followed by television cameramen from mobile units. - -For the next half-hour, patrol wagons and ambulances hauled away Fords, -and then the apartment was still and spacious. - -An hour later, films of the last stages of the riot were being televised -to 500,000,000 delighted viewers on the Eastern Seaboard. - -In the stillness of the three-room Ford apartment on the 76th floor of -Building 257, the television set had been left on. Once more the air was -filled with the cries and grunts and crashes of the fray, coming -harmlessly now from the loudspeaker. - -The battle also appeared on the screen of the television set in the -police station, where the Fords and their captors watched with -professional interest. - -Em and Lou, in adjacent four-by-eight cells, were stretched out -peacefully on their cots. - -"Em," called Lou through the partition, "you got a washbasin all your -own, too?" - -"Sure. Washbasin, bed, light--the works. And we thought _Gramps'_ room -was something. How long has this been going on?" She held out her hand. -"For the first time in forty years, hon, I haven't got the shakes--look -at me!" - -"Cross your fingers," said Lou. "The lawyer's going to try to get us a -year." - -"Gee!" Em said dreamily. "I wonder what kind of wires you'd have to pull -to get put away in solitary?" - -"All right, pipe down," said the turnkey, "or I'll toss the whole kit -and caboodle of you right out. And first one who lets on to anybody -outside how good jail is ain't never getting back in!" - -The prisoners instantly fell silent. - - * * * * * - -The living room of the apartment darkened for a moment as the riot -scenes faded on the television screen, and then the face of the -announcer appeared, like the Sun coming from behind a cloud. "And now, -friends," he said, "I have a special message from the makers of -anti-gerasone, a message for all you folks over 150. Are you hampered -socially by wrinkles, by stiffness of joints and discoloration or loss -of hair, all because these things came upon you before anti-gerasone was -developed? Well, if you are, you need no longer suffer, need no longer -feel different and out of things. - -"After years of research, medical science has now developed -_Super_-anti-gerasone! In weeks--yes, weeks--you can look, feel and act -as young as your great-great-grandchildren! Wouldn't you pay $5,000 to -be indistinguishable from everybody else? Well, you don't have to. Safe, -tested _Super_-anti-gerasone costs you only a few dollars a day. - -"Write now for your free trial carton. Just put your name and address on -a dollar postcard, and mail it to '_Super_,' Box 500,000, Schenectady, -N. Y. Have you got that? I'll repeat it. '_Super_,' Box 500,000 ..." - -Underlining the announcer's words was the scratching of Gramps' pen, the -one Willy had given him the night before. He had come in, a few minutes -earlier, from the Idle Hour Tavern, which commanded a view of Building -257 from across the square of asphalt known as the Alden Village Green. -He had called a cleaning woman to come straighten the place up, then had -hired the best lawyer in town to get his descendants a conviction, a -genius who had never gotten a client less than a year and a day. Gramps -had then moved the daybed before the television screen, so that he could -watch from a reclining position. It was something he'd dreamed of doing -for years. - -"Schen-_ec_-ta-dy," murmured Gramps. "Got it!" His face had changed -remarkably. His facial muscles seemed to have relaxed, revealing -kindness and equanimity under what had been taut lines of bad temper. It -was almost as though his trial package of _Super_-anti-gerasone had -already arrived. When something amused him on television, he smiled -easily, rather than barely managing to lengthen the thin line of his -mouth a millimeter. - -Life was good. He could hardly wait to see what was going to happen -next. - - --KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - - This etext was produced from _Galaxy Science Fiction_ January 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. - copyright on this publication was renewed. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Big Trip Up Yonder - -Author: Kurt Vonnegut - -Illustrator: Kossin - -Release Date: October 13, 2009 [EBook #30240] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1><span class="sp1">THE BIG TRIP<br /> -UP YONDER</span></h1> - -<div class="bk1"><h2>By KURT VONNEGUT, JR.</h2> - -<p class="rgt"><b>Illustrated by KOSSIN</b></p> - -<div class="bk2"><p><i><big><b>If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is -much too good for anyone else!</b></big></i></p></div></div> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">Gramps Ford</span>, his chin -resting on his hands, his -hands on the crook of his -cane, was staring irascibly at the -five-foot television screen that -dominated the room. On the -screen, a news commentator was -summarizing the day's happenings. -Every thirty seconds or so, -Gramps would jab the floor with -his cane-tip and shout, "Hell, we -did that a hundred years ago!"</p> - -<p>Emerald and Lou, coming in -from the balcony, where they had -been seeking that 2185 A.D. rarity—privacy—were -obliged to take -seats in the back row, behind -Lou's father and mother, brother -and sister-in-law, son and daughter-in-law, -grandson and wife, -granddaughter and husband, -great-grandson and wife, nephew -and wife, grandnephew and wife, -great-grandniece and husband, -great-grandnephew and wife—and, -of course, Gramps, who was -in front of everybody. All save -Gramps, who was somewhat -withered and bent, seemed, by -pre-anti-gerasone standards, to -be about the same age—somewhere -in their late twenties or -early thirties. Gramps looked older -because he had already reached -70 when anti-gerasone was invented. -He had not aged in the -102 years since.</p> - -<p>"Meanwhile," the commentator -was saying, "Council Bluffs, -Iowa, was still threatened by -stark tragedy. But 200 weary -rescue workers have refused to -give up hope, and continue to -dig in an effort to save Elbert -Haggedorn, 183, who has been -wedged for two days in a ..."</p> - -<p>"I wish he'd get something -more cheerful," Emerald whispered -to Lou.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">"Silence!"</span> cried Gramps. -"Next one shoots off his big -bazoo while the TV's on is gonna -find hisself cut off without a dollar—" -his voice suddenly softened -and sweetened—"when they -wave that checkered flag at the -Indianapolis Speedway, and old -Gramps gets ready for the Big -Trip Up Yonder."</p> - -<p>He sniffed sentimentally, while -his heirs concentrated desperately -on not making the slightest -sound. For them, the poignancy -of the prospective Big Trip had -been dulled somewhat, through -having been mentioned by -Gramps about once a day for -fifty years.</p> - -<p>"Dr. Brainard Keyes Bullard," -continued the commentator, -"President of Wyandotte College, -said in an address tonight that -most of the world's ills can be -traced to the fact that Man's -knowledge of himself has not -kept pace with his knowledge of -the physical world."</p> - -<p>"<i>Hell!</i>" snorted Gramps. "We -said <i>that</i> a hundred years ago!"</p> - -<p>"In Chicago tonight," the commentator -went on, "a special -celebration is taking place in the -Chicago Lying-in Hospital. The -guest of honor is Lowell W. Hitz, -age zero. Hitz, born this morning, -is the twenty-five-millionth child -to be born in the hospital." The -commentator faded, and was replaced -on the screen by young -Hitz, who squalled furiously.</p> - -<p>"Hell!" whispered Lou to -Emerald. "We said that a hundred -years ago."</p> - -<p>"I heard that!" shouted -Gramps. He snapped off the television -set and his petrified descendants -stared silently at the -screen. "You, there, boy—"</p> - -<p>"I didn't mean anything by it, -sir," said Lou, aged 103.</p> - -<p>"Get me my will. You know -where it is. You kids <i>all</i> know -where it is. Fetch, boy!" Gramps -snapped his gnarled fingers -sharply.</p> - -<p>Lou nodded dully and found -himself going down the hall, -picking his way over bedding to -Gramps' room, the only private -room in the Ford apartment. -The other rooms were the bathroom, -the living room and the -wide windowless hallway, which -was originally intended to serve -as a dining area, and which had -a kitchenette in one end. Six -mattresses and four sleeping bags -were dispersed in the hallway and -living room, and the daybed, in -the living room, accommodated -the eleventh couple, the favorites -of the moment.</p> - -<p>On Gramps' bureau was his -will, smeared, dog-eared, perforated -and blotched with hundreds -of additions, deletions, accusations, -conditions, warnings, -advice and homely philosophy. -The document was, Lou reflected, -a fifty-year diary, all jammed -onto two sheets—a garbled, illegible -log of day after day of -strife. This day, Lou would be -disinherited for the eleventh time, -and it would take him perhaps six -months of impeccable behavior -to regain the promise of a share -in the estate. To say nothing of -the daybed in the living room for -Em and himself.</p> - -<p>"Boy!" called Gramps.</p> - -<p>"Coming, sir." Lou hurried -back into the living room and -handed Gramps the will.</p> - -<p>"Pen!" said Gramps.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">He</span> was instantly offered eleven -pens, one from each couple.</p> - -<p>"Not <i>that</i> leaky thing," he said, -brushing Lou's pen aside. "Ah, -<i>there's</i> a nice one. Good boy, -Willy." He accepted Willy's pen. -That was the tip they had all -been waiting for. Willy, then—Lou's -father—was the new favorite.</p> - -<p>Willy, who looked almost as -young as Lou, though he was 142, -did a poor job of concealing his -pleasure. He glanced shyly at the -daybed, which would become his, -and from which Lou and Emerald -would have to move back -into the hall, back to the worst -spot of all by the bathroom door.</p> - -<p>Gramps missed none of the -high drama he had authored and -he gave his own familiar role -everything he had. Frowning and -running his finger along each line, -as though he were seeing the -will for the first time, he read -aloud in a deep portentous monotone, -like a bass note on a cathedral -organ.</p> - -<div class="figr"> -<img src="images/001.png" width="347" height="500" alt="" title="" /> -</div> - -<p>"I, Harold D. Ford, residing -in Building 257 of Alden Village, -New York City, Connecticut, do -hereby make, publish and declare -this to be my last Will and Testament, -revoking any and all former -wills and codicils by me at -any time heretofore made." He -blew his nose importantly and -went on, not missing a word, and -repeating many for emphasis—repeating -in particular his ever-more-elaborate -specifications for -a funeral.</p> - -<p>At the end of these specifications, -Gramps was so choked -with emotion that Lou thought -he might have forgotten why he'd -brought out the will in the first -place. But Gramps heroically -brought his powerful emotions -under control and, after erasing -for a full minute, began to write -and speak at the same time. Lou -could have spoken his lines for -him, he had heard them so often.</p> - -<p>"I have had many heartbreaks -ere leaving this vale of tears for -a better land," Gramps said and -wrote. "But the deepest hurt of -all has been dealt me by—" He -looked around the group, trying -to remember who the malefactor -was.</p> - -<p>Everyone looked helpfully at -Lou, who held up his hand resignedly.</p> - -<p>Gramps nodded, remembering, -and completed the sentence—"my -great-grandson, Louis J. Ford."</p> - -<p>"Grandson, sir," said Lou.</p> - -<p>"Don't quibble. You're in deep -enough now, young man," said -Gramps, but he made the change. -And, from there, he went without -a misstep through the phrasing of -the disinheritance, causes for -which were disrespectfulness and -quibbling.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">In</span> the paragraph following, the -paragraph that had belonged -to everyone in the room at one -time or another, Lou's name was -scratched out and Willy's substituted -as heir to the apartment -and, the biggest plum of all, the -double bed in the private bedroom.</p> - -<p>"So!" said Gramps, beaming. -He erased the date at the foot of -the will and substituted a new -one, including the time of day. -"Well—time to watch the McGarvey -Family." The McGarvey -Family was a television serial -that Gramps had been following -since he was 60, or for a total of -112 years. "I can't wait to see -what's going to happen next," -he said.</p> - -<p>Lou detached himself from the -group and lay down on his bed -of pain by the bathroom door. -Wishing Em would join him, he -wondered where she was.</p> - -<p>He dozed for a few moments, -until he was disturbed by someone -stepping over him to get into -the bathroom. A moment later, he -heard a faint gurgling sound, as -though something were being -poured down the washbasin -drain. Suddenly, it entered his -mind that Em had cracked up, -that she was in there doing something -drastic about Gramps.</p> - -<p>"Em?" he whispered through -the panel. There was no reply, -and Lou pressed against the door. -The worn lock, whose bolt barely -engaged its socket, held for a -second, then let the door swing -inward.</p> - -<p>"Morty!" gasped Lou.</p> - -<p>Lou's great-grandnephew, Mortimer, -who had just married and -brought his wife home to the -Ford menage, looked at Lou with -consternation and surprise. Morty -kicked the door shut, but not before -Lou had glimpsed what was -in his hand—Gramps' enormous -economy-size bottle of anti-gerasone, -which had apparently -been half-emptied, and which -Morty was refilling with tap -water.</p> - -<p>A moment later, Morty came -out, glared defiantly at Lou and -brushed past him wordlessly to -rejoin his pretty bride.</p> - -<p>Shocked, Lou didn't know -what to do. He couldn't let -Gramps take the mousetrapped -anti-gerasone—but, if he warned -Gramps about it, Gramps would -certainly make life in the apartment, -which was merely insufferable -now, harrowing.</p> - -<p>Lou glanced into the living -room and saw that the Fords, -Emerald among them, were momentarily -at rest, relishing the -botches that the McGarveys had -made of <i>their</i> lives. Stealthily, he -went into the bathroom, locked -the door as well as he could -and began to pour the contents -of Gramps' bottle down the drain. -He was going to refill it with -full-strength anti-gerasone from -the 22 smaller bottles on the -shelf.</p> - -<p>The bottle contained a half-gallon, -and its neck was small, -so it seemed to Lou that the -emptying would take forever. -And the almost imperceptible -smell of anti-gerasone, like -Worcestershire sauce, now seemed -to Lou, in his nervousness, to be -pouring out into the rest of the -apartment, through the keyhole -and under the door.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">The</span> bottle gurgled monotonously. -Suddenly, up came the -sound of music from the living -room and there were murmurs -and the scraping of chair-legs on -the floor. "Thus ends," said the -television announcer, "the 29,121st -chapter in the life of your -neighbors and mine, the McGarveys." -Footsteps were coming -down the hall. There was a knock -on the bathroom door.</p> - -<p>"Just a sec," Lou cheerily called -out. Desperately, he shook the -big bottle, trying to speed up -the flow. His palms slipped on -the wet glass, and the heavy -bottle smashed on the tile floor.</p> - -<p>The door was pushed open, -and Gramps, dumbfounded, stared -at the incriminating mess.</p> - -<p>Lou felt a hideous prickling -sensation on his scalp and the -back of his neck. He grinned -engagingly through his nausea -and, for want of anything remotely -resembling a thought, -waited for Gramps to speak.</p> - -<p>"Well, boy," said Gramps at -last, "looks like you've got a -little tidying up to do."</p> - -<p>And that was all he said. He -turned around, elbowed his way -through the crowd and locked -himself in his bedroom.</p> - -<p>The Fords contemplated Lou -in incredulous silence a moment -longer, and then hurried back to -the living room, as though some -of his horrible guilt would taint -them, too, if they looked too -long. Morty stayed behind long -enough to give Lou a quizzical, -annoyed glance. Then he also -went into the living room, leaving -only Emerald standing in the -doorway.</p> - -<p>Tears streamed over her -cheeks. "Oh, you poor lamb—<i>please</i> -don't look so awful! It -was my fault. I put you up to -this with my nagging about -Gramps."</p> - -<p>"No," said Lou, finding his -voice, "really you didn't. Honest, -Em, I was just—"</p> - -<p>"You don't have to explain -anything to me, hon. I'm on your -side, no matter what." She kissed -him on one cheek and whispered -in his ear, "It wouldn't have been -murder, hon. It wouldn't have -killed him. It wasn't such a terrible -thing to do. It just would -have fixed him up so he'd be -able to go any time God decided -He wanted him."</p> - -<p>"What's going to happen next, -Em?" said Lou hollowly. "What's -he going to do?"</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">Lou</span> and Emerald stayed fearfully -awake almost all night, -waiting to see what Gramps was -going to do. But not a sound -came from the sacred bedroom. -Two hours before dawn, they -finally dropped off to sleep.</p> - -<p>At six o'clock, they arose again, -for it was time for their generation -to eat breakfast in the kitchenette. -No one spoke to them. -They had twenty minutes in -which to eat, but their reflexes -were so dulled by the bad night -that they had hardly swallowed -two mouthfuls of egg-type processed -seaweed before it was time -to surrender their places to their -son's generation.</p> - -<p>Then, as was the custom for -whoever had been most recently -disinherited, they began preparing -Gramps' breakfast, which -would presently be served to him -in bed, on a tray. They tried to -be cheerful about it. The toughest -part of the job was having -to handle the honest-to-God eggs -and bacon and oleomargarine, -on which Gramps spent so much -of the income from his fortune.</p> - -<p>"Well," said Emerald, "I'm not -going to get all panicky until I'm -sure there's something to be panicky -about."</p> - -<p>"Maybe he doesn't know what -it was I busted," Lou said hopefully.</p> - -<p>"Probably thinks it was your -watch crystal," offered Eddie, -their son, who was toying apathetically -with his buckwheat-type -processed sawdust cakes.</p> - -<p>"Don't get sarcastic with your -father," said Em, "and don't talk -with your mouth full, either."</p> - -<p>"I'd like to see anybody take -a mouthful of this stuff and <i>not</i> -say something," complained Eddie, -who was 73. He glanced at -the clock. "It's time to take -Gramps his breakfast, you -know."</p> - -<p>"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" said Lou -weakly. He shrugged. "Let's have -the tray, Em."</p> - -<p>"We'll both go."</p> - -<p>Walking slowly, smiling bravely, -they found a large semi-circle -of long-faced Fords standing -around the bedroom door.</p> - -<p>Em knocked. "Gramps," she -called brightly, "<i>break</i>-fast is -<i>rea</i>-dy."</p> - -<p>There was no reply and she -knocked again, harder.</p> - -<p>The door swung open before -her fist. In the middle of the -room, the soft, deep, wide, canopied -bed, the symbol of the sweet -by-and-by to every Ford, was -empty.</p> - -<p>A sense of death, as unfamiliar -to the Fords as Zoroastrianism or -the causes of the Sepoy Mutiny, -stilled every voice, slowed every -heart. Awed, the heirs began to -search gingerly, under the furniture -and behind the drapes, for -all that was mortal of Gramps, -father of the clan.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">But</span> Gramps had left not his -Earthly husk but a note, -which Lou finally found on the -dresser, under a paperweight -which was a treasured souvenir -from the World's Fair of 2000. -Unsteadily, Lou read it aloud:</p> - -<p>"'Somebody who I have sheltered -and protected and taught -the best I know how all these -years last night turned on me -like a mad dog and diluted my -anti-gerasone, or tried to. I am no -longer a young man. I can no -longer bear the crushing burden -of life as I once could. So, after -last night's bitter experience, I -say good-by. The cares of this -world will soon drop away like -a cloak of thorns and I shall -know peace. By the time you find -this, I will be gone.'"</p> - -<p>"Gosh," said Willy brokenly, -"he didn't even get to see how -the 5000-mile Speedway Race -was going to come out."</p> - -<p>"Or the Solar Series," Eddie -said, with large mournful eyes.</p> - -<p>"Or whether Mrs. McGarvey -got her eyesight back," added -Morty.</p> - -<p>"There's more," said Lou, and -he began reading aloud again: -"'I, Harold D. Ford, etc., do -hereby make, publish and declare -this to be my last Will and Testament, -revoking any and all former -wills and codicils by me at -any time heretofore made.'"</p> - -<p>"No!" cried Willy. "Not another -one!"</p> - -<p>"'I do stipulate,'" read Lou, -"'that all of my property, of -whatsoever kind and nature, not -be divided, but do devise and bequeath -it to be held in common -by my issue, without regard for -generation, equally, share and -share alike.'"</p> - -<p>"Issue?" said Emerald.</p> - -<p>Lou included the multitude in -a sweep of his hand. "It means -we all own the whole damn -shootin' match."</p> - -<p>Each eye turned instantly to -the bed.</p> - -<p>"Share and share alike?" asked -Morty.</p> - -<p>"Actually," said Willy, who -was the oldest one present, "it's -just like the old system, where -the oldest people head up things -with their headquarters in here -and—"</p> - -<p>"I like <i>that</i>!" exclaimed Em. -"Lou owns as much of it as you -do, and I say it ought to be for -the oldest one who's still working. -You can snooze around here -all day, waiting for your pension -check, while poor Lou stumbles -in here after work, all tuckered -out, and—"</p> - -<p>"How about letting somebody -who's never had <i>any</i> privacy get -a little crack at it?" Eddie demanded -hotly. "Hell, you old -people had plenty of privacy -back when you were kids. I was -born and raised in the middle of -that goddamn barracks in the -hall! How about—"</p> - -<p>"Yeah?" challenged Morty. -"Sure, you've all had it pretty -tough, and my heart bleeds for -you. But try honeymooning in -the hall for a real kick."</p> - -<p>"<i>Silence!</i>" shouted Willy imperiously. -"The next person who -opens his mouth spends the next -sixth months by the bathroom. -Now clear out of my room. I -want to think."</p> - -<p>A vase shattered against the -wall, inches above his head.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">In</span> the next moment, a free-for-all -was under way, with -each couple battling to eject -every other couple from the room. -Fighting coalitions formed and -dissolved with the lightning -changes of the tactical situation. -Em and Lou were thrown into -the hall, where they organized -others in the same situation, and -stormed back into the room.</p> - -<p>After two hours of struggle, -with nothing like a decision in -sight, the cops broke in, followed -by television cameramen from -mobile units.</p> - -<p>For the next half-hour, patrol -wagons and ambulances hauled -away Fords, and then the apartment -was still and spacious.</p> - -<p>An hour later, films of the last -stages of the riot were being televised -to 500,000,000 delighted -viewers on the Eastern Seaboard.</p> - -<p>In the stillness of the three-room -Ford apartment on the 76th -floor of Building 257, the television -set had been left on. Once -more the air was filled with the -cries and grunts and crashes of -the fray, coming harmlessly now -from the loudspeaker.</p> - -<p>The battle also appeared on -the screen of the television set in -the police station, where the -Fords and their captors watched -with professional interest.</p> - -<p>Em and Lou, in adjacent four-by-eight -cells, were stretched out -peacefully on their cots.</p> - -<p>"Em," called Lou through the -partition, "you got a washbasin -all your own, too?"</p> - -<p>"Sure. Washbasin, bed, light—the -works. And we thought -<i>Gramps'</i> room was something. -How long has this been going -on?" She held out her hand. -"For the first time in forty years, -hon, I haven't got the shakes—look -at me!"</p> - -<p>"Cross your fingers," said Lou. -"The lawyer's going to try to -get us a year."</p> - -<p>"Gee!" Em said dreamily. "I -wonder what kind of wires you'd -have to pull to get put away in -solitary?"</p> - -<p>"All right, pipe down," said -the turnkey, "or I'll toss the -whole kit and caboodle of you -right out. And first one who lets -on to anybody outside how good -jail is ain't never getting back -in!"</p> - -<p>The prisoners instantly fell -silent.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">The</span> living room of the apartment -darkened for a moment -as the riot scenes faded on the -television screen, and then the -face of the announcer appeared, -like the Sun coming from behind -a cloud. "And now, friends," he -said, "I have a special message -from the makers of anti-gerasone, -a message for all you folks over -150. Are you hampered socially -by wrinkles, by stiffness of joints -and discoloration or loss of hair, -all because these things came -upon you before anti-gerasone -was developed? Well, if you are, -you need no longer suffer, need -no longer feel different and out -of things.</p> - -<p>"After years of research, medical -science has now developed -<i>Super</i>-anti-gerasone! In weeks—yes, -weeks—you can look, feel -and act as young as your great-great-grandchildren! -Wouldn't -you pay $5,000 to be indistinguishable -from everybody else? -Well, you don't have to. Safe, -tested <i>Super</i>-anti-gerasone costs -you only a few dollars a day.</p> - -<p>"Write now for your free trial -carton. Just put your name and -address on a dollar postcard, and -mail it to '<i>Super</i>,' Box 500,000, -Schenectady, N. Y. Have you got -that? I'll repeat it. '<i>Super</i>,' Box -500,000 ..."</p> - -<p>Underlining the announcer's -words was the scratching of -Gramps' pen, the one Willy had -given him the night before. He -had come in, a few minutes -earlier, from the Idle Hour Tavern, -which commanded a view of -Building 257 from across the -square of asphalt known as the -Alden Village Green. He had -called a cleaning woman to come -straighten the place up, then had -hired the best lawyer in town to -get his descendants a conviction, -a genius who had never gotten a -client less than a year and a day. -Gramps had then moved the daybed -before the television screen, -so that he could watch from a -reclining position. It was something -he'd dreamed of doing for -years.</p> - -<p>"Schen-<i>ec</i>-ta-dy," murmured -Gramps. "Got it!" His face had -changed remarkably. His facial -muscles seemed to have relaxed, -revealing kindness and equanimity -under what had been taut -lines of bad temper. It was almost -as though his trial package -of <i>Super</i>-anti-gerasone had already -arrived. When something -amused him on television, he -smiled easily, rather than barely -managing to lengthen the thin -line of his mouth a millimeter.</p> - -<p>Life was good. He could hardly -wait to see what was going to -happen next.</p> - -<p class="rgt"><b>—KURT VONNEGUT, JR.</b></p> - -<div class="trn"> - -<div class="figt"><a href="images/002-2.jpg"><img src="images/002-1.jpg" width="146" height="200" alt="" title="" /></a></div> - -<p><big><b>Transcriber's Note:</b></big></p> - -<p>This etext was produced from <i>Galaxy Science Fiction</i> January 1954. -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. -copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and -typographical errors have been corrected without note.</p></div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - -***** This file should be named 30240-h.htm or 30240-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/2/4/30240/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Big Trip Up Yonder - -Author: Kurt Vonnegut - -Illustrator: Kossin - -Release Date: October 13, 2009 [EBook #30240] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - THE BIG TRIP - UP YONDER - -By KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - -Illustrated by KOSSIN - - - _If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is - much too good for anyone else!_ - - -Gramps Ford, his chin resting on his hands, his hands on the crook of -his cane, was staring irascibly at the five-foot television screen that -dominated the room. On the screen, a news commentator was summarizing -the day's happenings. Every thirty seconds or so, Gramps would jab the -floor with his cane-tip and shout, "Hell, we did that a hundred years -ago!" - -Emerald and Lou, coming in from the balcony, where they had been seeking -that 2185 A.D. rarity--privacy--were obliged to take seats in the back -row, behind Lou's father and mother, brother and sister-in-law, son and -daughter-in-law, grandson and wife, granddaughter and husband, -great-grandson and wife, nephew and wife, grandnephew and wife, -great-grandniece and husband, great-grandnephew and wife--and, of -course, Gramps, who was in front of everybody. All save Gramps, who was -somewhat withered and bent, seemed, by pre-anti-gerasone standards, to -be about the same age--somewhere in their late twenties or early -thirties. Gramps looked older because he had already reached 70 when -anti-gerasone was invented. He had not aged in the 102 years since. - -"Meanwhile," the commentator was saying, "Council Bluffs, Iowa, was -still threatened by stark tragedy. But 200 weary rescue workers have -refused to give up hope, and continue to dig in an effort to save Elbert -Haggedorn, 183, who has been wedged for two days in a ..." - -"I wish he'd get something more cheerful," Emerald whispered to Lou. - - * * * * * - -"Silence!" cried Gramps. "Next one shoots off his big bazoo while the -TV's on is gonna find hisself cut off without a dollar--" his voice -suddenly softened and sweetened--"when they wave that checkered flag at -the Indianapolis Speedway, and old Gramps gets ready for the Big Trip Up -Yonder." - -He sniffed sentimentally, while his heirs concentrated desperately on -not making the slightest sound. For them, the poignancy of the -prospective Big Trip had been dulled somewhat, through having been -mentioned by Gramps about once a day for fifty years. - -"Dr. Brainard Keyes Bullard," continued the commentator, "President of -Wyandotte College, said in an address tonight that most of the world's -ills can be traced to the fact that Man's knowledge of himself has not -kept pace with his knowledge of the physical world." - -"_Hell!_" snorted Gramps. "We said _that_ a hundred years ago!" - -"In Chicago tonight," the commentator went on, "a special celebration is -taking place in the Chicago Lying-in Hospital. The guest of honor -is Lowell W. Hitz, age zero. Hitz, born this morning, is the -twenty-five-millionth child to be born in the hospital." The commentator -faded, and was replaced on the screen by young Hitz, who squalled -furiously. - -"Hell!" whispered Lou to Emerald. "We said that a hundred years ago." - -"I heard that!" shouted Gramps. He snapped off the television set and -his petrified descendants stared silently at the screen. "You, there, -boy--" - -"I didn't mean anything by it, sir," said Lou, aged 103. - -"Get me my will. You know where it is. You kids _all_ know where it is. -Fetch, boy!" Gramps snapped his gnarled fingers sharply. - -Lou nodded dully and found himself going down the hall, picking his way -over bedding to Gramps' room, the only private room in the Ford -apartment. The other rooms were the bathroom, the living room and the -wide windowless hallway, which was originally intended to serve as a -dining area, and which had a kitchenette in one end. Six mattresses and -four sleeping bags were dispersed in the hallway and living room, and -the daybed, in the living room, accommodated the eleventh couple, the -favorites of the moment. - -On Gramps' bureau was his will, smeared, dog-eared, perforated and -blotched with hundreds of additions, deletions, accusations, conditions, -warnings, advice and homely philosophy. The document was, Lou reflected, -a fifty-year diary, all jammed onto two sheets--a garbled, illegible log -of day after day of strife. This day, Lou would be disinherited for the -eleventh time, and it would take him perhaps six months of impeccable -behavior to regain the promise of a share in the estate. To say nothing -of the daybed in the living room for Em and himself. - -"Boy!" called Gramps. - -"Coming, sir." Lou hurried back into the living room and handed Gramps -the will. - -"Pen!" said Gramps. - - * * * * * - -He was instantly offered eleven pens, one from each couple. - -"Not _that_ leaky thing," he said, brushing Lou's pen aside. "Ah, -_there's_ a nice one. Good boy, Willy." He accepted Willy's pen. That -was the tip they had all been waiting for. Willy, then--Lou's -father--was the new favorite. - -Willy, who looked almost as young as Lou, though he was 142, did a poor -job of concealing his pleasure. He glanced shyly at the daybed, which -would become his, and from which Lou and Emerald would have to move back -into the hall, back to the worst spot of all by the bathroom door. - -Gramps missed none of the high drama he had authored and he gave his own -familiar role everything he had. Frowning and running his finger along -each line, as though he were seeing the will for the first time, he read -aloud in a deep portentous monotone, like a bass note on a cathedral -organ. - -[Illustration] - -"I, Harold D. Ford, residing in Building 257 of Alden Village, New York -City, Connecticut, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my -last Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and -codicils by me at any time heretofore made." He blew his nose -importantly and went on, not missing a word, and repeating many for -emphasis--repeating in particular his ever-more-elaborate specifications -for a funeral. - -At the end of these specifications, Gramps was so choked with emotion -that Lou thought he might have forgotten why he'd brought out the will -in the first place. But Gramps heroically brought his powerful emotions -under control and, after erasing for a full minute, began to write and -speak at the same time. Lou could have spoken his lines for him, he had -heard them so often. - -"I have had many heartbreaks ere leaving this vale of tears for a better -land," Gramps said and wrote. "But the deepest hurt of all has been -dealt me by--" He looked around the group, trying to remember who the -malefactor was. - -Everyone looked helpfully at Lou, who held up his hand resignedly. - -Gramps nodded, remembering, and completed the sentence--"my -great-grandson, Louis J. Ford." - -"Grandson, sir," said Lou. - -"Don't quibble. You're in deep enough now, young man," said Gramps, but -he made the change. And, from there, he went without a misstep through -the phrasing of the disinheritance, causes for which were -disrespectfulness and quibbling. - - * * * * * - -In the paragraph following, the paragraph that had belonged to everyone -in the room at one time or another, Lou's name was scratched out and -Willy's substituted as heir to the apartment and, the biggest plum of -all, the double bed in the private bedroom. - -"So!" said Gramps, beaming. He erased the date at the foot of the will -and substituted a new one, including the time of day. "Well--time to -watch the McGarvey Family." The McGarvey Family was a television serial -that Gramps had been following since he was 60, or for a total of 112 -years. "I can't wait to see what's going to happen next," he said. - -Lou detached himself from the group and lay down on his bed of pain by -the bathroom door. Wishing Em would join him, he wondered where she was. - -He dozed for a few moments, until he was disturbed by someone stepping -over him to get into the bathroom. A moment later, he heard a faint -gurgling sound, as though something were being poured down the washbasin -drain. Suddenly, it entered his mind that Em had cracked up, that she -was in there doing something drastic about Gramps. - -"Em?" he whispered through the panel. There was no reply, and Lou -pressed against the door. The worn lock, whose bolt barely engaged its -socket, held for a second, then let the door swing inward. - -"Morty!" gasped Lou. - -Lou's great-grandnephew, Mortimer, who had just married and brought his -wife home to the Ford menage, looked at Lou with consternation and -surprise. Morty kicked the door shut, but not before Lou had glimpsed -what was in his hand--Gramps' enormous economy-size bottle of -anti-gerasone, which had apparently been half-emptied, and which Morty -was refilling with tap water. - -A moment later, Morty came out, glared defiantly at Lou and brushed past -him wordlessly to rejoin his pretty bride. - -Shocked, Lou didn't know what to do. He couldn't let Gramps take the -mousetrapped anti-gerasone--but, if he warned Gramps about it, Gramps -would certainly make life in the apartment, which was merely -insufferable now, harrowing. - -Lou glanced into the living room and saw that the Fords, Emerald among -them, were momentarily at rest, relishing the botches that the McGarveys -had made of _their_ lives. Stealthily, he went into the bathroom, locked -the door as well as he could and began to pour the contents of Gramps' -bottle down the drain. He was going to refill it with full-strength -anti-gerasone from the 22 smaller bottles on the shelf. - -The bottle contained a half-gallon, and its neck was small, so it seemed -to Lou that the emptying would take forever. And the almost -imperceptible smell of anti-gerasone, like Worcestershire sauce, now -seemed to Lou, in his nervousness, to be pouring out into the rest of -the apartment, through the keyhole and under the door. - - * * * * * - -The bottle gurgled monotonously. Suddenly, up came the sound of music -from the living room and there were murmurs and the scraping of -chair-legs on the floor. "Thus ends," said the television announcer, -"the 29,121st chapter in the life of your neighbors and mine, the -McGarveys." Footsteps were coming down the hall. There was a knock on -the bathroom door. - -"Just a sec," Lou cheerily called out. Desperately, he shook the big -bottle, trying to speed up the flow. His palms slipped on the wet glass, -and the heavy bottle smashed on the tile floor. - -The door was pushed open, and Gramps, dumbfounded, stared at the -incriminating mess. - -Lou felt a hideous prickling sensation on his scalp and the back of his -neck. He grinned engagingly through his nausea and, for want of anything -remotely resembling a thought, waited for Gramps to speak. - -"Well, boy," said Gramps at last, "looks like you've got a little -tidying up to do." - -And that was all he said. He turned around, elbowed his way through the -crowd and locked himself in his bedroom. - -The Fords contemplated Lou in incredulous silence a moment longer, and -then hurried back to the living room, as though some of his horrible -guilt would taint them, too, if they looked too long. Morty stayed -behind long enough to give Lou a quizzical, annoyed glance. Then he also -went into the living room, leaving only Emerald standing in the doorway. - -Tears streamed over her cheeks. "Oh, you poor lamb--_please_ don't look -so awful! It was my fault. I put you up to this with my nagging about -Gramps." - -"No," said Lou, finding his voice, "really you didn't. Honest, Em, I was -just--" - -"You don't have to explain anything to me, hon. I'm on your side, no -matter what." She kissed him on one cheek and whispered in his ear, "It -wouldn't have been murder, hon. It wouldn't have killed him. It wasn't -such a terrible thing to do. It just would have fixed him up so he'd be -able to go any time God decided He wanted him." - -"What's going to happen next, Em?" said Lou hollowly. "What's he going -to do?" - - * * * * * - -Lou and Emerald stayed fearfully awake almost all night, waiting to see -what Gramps was going to do. But not a sound came from the sacred -bedroom. Two hours before dawn, they finally dropped off to sleep. - -At six o'clock, they arose again, for it was time for their generation -to eat breakfast in the kitchenette. No one spoke to them. They had -twenty minutes in which to eat, but their reflexes were so dulled by the -bad night that they had hardly swallowed two mouthfuls of egg-type -processed seaweed before it was time to surrender their places to their -son's generation. - -Then, as was the custom for whoever had been most recently disinherited, -they began preparing Gramps' breakfast, which would presently be served -to him in bed, on a tray. They tried to be cheerful about it. The -toughest part of the job was having to handle the honest-to-God eggs and -bacon and oleomargarine, on which Gramps spent so much of the income -from his fortune. - -"Well," said Emerald, "I'm not going to get all panicky until I'm sure -there's something to be panicky about." - -"Maybe he doesn't know what it was I busted," Lou said hopefully. - -"Probably thinks it was your watch crystal," offered Eddie, their son, -who was toying apathetically with his buckwheat-type processed sawdust -cakes. - -"Don't get sarcastic with your father," said Em, "and don't talk with -your mouth full, either." - -"I'd like to see anybody take a mouthful of this stuff and _not_ say -something," complained Eddie, who was 73. He glanced at the clock. "It's -time to take Gramps his breakfast, you know." - -"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" said Lou weakly. He shrugged. "Let's have the -tray, Em." - -"We'll both go." - -Walking slowly, smiling bravely, they found a large semi-circle of -long-faced Fords standing around the bedroom door. - -Em knocked. "Gramps," she called brightly, "_break_-fast is _rea_-dy." - -There was no reply and she knocked again, harder. - -The door swung open before her fist. In the middle of the room, the -soft, deep, wide, canopied bed, the symbol of the sweet by-and-by to -every Ford, was empty. - -A sense of death, as unfamiliar to the Fords as Zoroastrianism or the -causes of the Sepoy Mutiny, stilled every voice, slowed every heart. -Awed, the heirs began to search gingerly, under the furniture and behind -the drapes, for all that was mortal of Gramps, father of the clan. - - * * * * * - -But Gramps had left not his Earthly husk but a note, which Lou finally -found on the dresser, under a paperweight which was a treasured souvenir -from the World's Fair of 2000. Unsteadily, Lou read it aloud: - -"'Somebody who I have sheltered and protected and taught the best I know -how all these years last night turned on me like a mad dog and diluted -my anti-gerasone, or tried to. I am no longer a young man. I can no -longer bear the crushing burden of life as I once could. So, after last -night's bitter experience, I say good-by. The cares of this world will -soon drop away like a cloak of thorns and I shall know peace. By the -time you find this, I will be gone.'" - -"Gosh," said Willy brokenly, "he didn't even get to see how the -5000-mile Speedway Race was going to come out." - -"Or the Solar Series," Eddie said, with large mournful eyes. - -"Or whether Mrs. McGarvey got her eyesight back," added Morty. - -"There's more," said Lou, and he began reading aloud again: "'I, Harold -D. Ford, etc., do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last -Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and codicils by me -at any time heretofore made.'" - -"No!" cried Willy. "Not another one!" - -"'I do stipulate,'" read Lou, "'that all of my property, of whatsoever -kind and nature, not be divided, but do devise and bequeath it to be -held in common by my issue, without regard for generation, equally, -share and share alike.'" - -"Issue?" said Emerald. - -Lou included the multitude in a sweep of his hand. "It means we all own -the whole damn shootin' match." - -Each eye turned instantly to the bed. - -"Share and share alike?" asked Morty. - -"Actually," said Willy, who was the oldest one present, "it's just like -the old system, where the oldest people head up things with their -headquarters in here and--" - -"I like _that_!" exclaimed Em. "Lou owns as much of it as you do, and I -say it ought to be for the oldest one who's still working. You can -snooze around here all day, waiting for your pension check, while poor -Lou stumbles in here after work, all tuckered out, and--" - -"How about letting somebody who's never had _any_ privacy get a little -crack at it?" Eddie demanded hotly. "Hell, you old people had plenty of -privacy back when you were kids. I was born and raised in the middle of -that goddamn barracks in the hall! How about--" - -"Yeah?" challenged Morty. "Sure, you've all had it pretty tough, and my -heart bleeds for you. But try honeymooning in the hall for a real kick." - -"_Silence!_" shouted Willy imperiously. "The next person who opens his -mouth spends the next sixth months by the bathroom. Now clear out of my -room. I want to think." - -A vase shattered against the wall, inches above his head. - - * * * * * - -In the next moment, a free-for-all was under way, with each couple -battling to eject every other couple from the room. Fighting coalitions -formed and dissolved with the lightning changes of the tactical -situation. Em and Lou were thrown into the hall, where they organized -others in the same situation, and stormed back into the room. - -After two hours of struggle, with nothing like a decision in sight, the -cops broke in, followed by television cameramen from mobile units. - -For the next half-hour, patrol wagons and ambulances hauled away Fords, -and then the apartment was still and spacious. - -An hour later, films of the last stages of the riot were being televised -to 500,000,000 delighted viewers on the Eastern Seaboard. - -In the stillness of the three-room Ford apartment on the 76th floor of -Building 257, the television set had been left on. Once more the air was -filled with the cries and grunts and crashes of the fray, coming -harmlessly now from the loudspeaker. - -The battle also appeared on the screen of the television set in the -police station, where the Fords and their captors watched with -professional interest. - -Em and Lou, in adjacent four-by-eight cells, were stretched out -peacefully on their cots. - -"Em," called Lou through the partition, "you got a washbasin all your -own, too?" - -"Sure. Washbasin, bed, light--the works. And we thought _Gramps'_ room -was something. How long has this been going on?" She held out her hand. -"For the first time in forty years, hon, I haven't got the shakes--look -at me!" - -"Cross your fingers," said Lou. "The lawyer's going to try to get us a -year." - -"Gee!" Em said dreamily. "I wonder what kind of wires you'd have to pull -to get put away in solitary?" - -"All right, pipe down," said the turnkey, "or I'll toss the whole kit -and caboodle of you right out. And first one who lets on to anybody -outside how good jail is ain't never getting back in!" - -The prisoners instantly fell silent. - - * * * * * - -The living room of the apartment darkened for a moment as the riot -scenes faded on the television screen, and then the face of the -announcer appeared, like the Sun coming from behind a cloud. "And now, -friends," he said, "I have a special message from the makers of -anti-gerasone, a message for all you folks over 150. Are you hampered -socially by wrinkles, by stiffness of joints and discoloration or loss -of hair, all because these things came upon you before anti-gerasone was -developed? Well, if you are, you need no longer suffer, need no longer -feel different and out of things. - -"After years of research, medical science has now developed -_Super_-anti-gerasone! In weeks--yes, weeks--you can look, feel and act -as young as your great-great-grandchildren! Wouldn't you pay $5,000 to -be indistinguishable from everybody else? Well, you don't have to. Safe, -tested _Super_-anti-gerasone costs you only a few dollars a day. - -"Write now for your free trial carton. Just put your name and address on -a dollar postcard, and mail it to '_Super_,' Box 500,000, Schenectady, -N. Y. Have you got that? I'll repeat it. '_Super_,' Box 500,000 ..." - -Underlining the announcer's words was the scratching of Gramps' pen, the -one Willy had given him the night before. He had come in, a few minutes -earlier, from the Idle Hour Tavern, which commanded a view of Building -257 from across the square of asphalt known as the Alden Village Green. -He had called a cleaning woman to come straighten the place up, then had -hired the best lawyer in town to get his descendants a conviction, a -genius who had never gotten a client less than a year and a day. Gramps -had then moved the daybed before the television screen, so that he could -watch from a reclining position. It was something he'd dreamed of doing -for years. - -"Schen-_ec_-ta-dy," murmured Gramps. "Got it!" His face had changed -remarkably. His facial muscles seemed to have relaxed, revealing -kindness and equanimity under what had been taut lines of bad temper. It -was almost as though his trial package of _Super_-anti-gerasone had -already arrived. When something amused him on television, he smiled -easily, rather than barely managing to lengthen the thin line of his -mouth a millimeter. - -Life was good. He could hardly wait to see what was going to happen -next. - - --KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - - This etext was produced from _Galaxy Science Fiction_ January 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. - copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and - typographical errors have been corrected without note. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - -***** This file should be named 30240.txt or 30240.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/2/4/30240/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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