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diff --git a/30240.txt b/30240.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 88e139b..0000000 --- a/30240.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,889 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Big Trip Up Yonder - -Author: Kurt Vonnegut - -Illustrator: Kossin - -Release Date: October 13, 2009 [EBook #30240] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - THE BIG TRIP - UP YONDER - -By KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - -Illustrated by KOSSIN - - - _If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it is - much too good for anyone else!_ - - -Gramps Ford, his chin resting on his hands, his hands on the crook of -his cane, was staring irascibly at the five-foot television screen that -dominated the room. On the screen, a news commentator was summarizing -the day's happenings. Every thirty seconds or so, Gramps would jab the -floor with his cane-tip and shout, "Hell, we did that a hundred years -ago!" - -Emerald and Lou, coming in from the balcony, where they had been seeking -that 2185 A.D. rarity--privacy--were obliged to take seats in the back -row, behind Lou's father and mother, brother and sister-in-law, son and -daughter-in-law, grandson and wife, granddaughter and husband, -great-grandson and wife, nephew and wife, grandnephew and wife, -great-grandniece and husband, great-grandnephew and wife--and, of -course, Gramps, who was in front of everybody. All save Gramps, who was -somewhat withered and bent, seemed, by pre-anti-gerasone standards, to -be about the same age--somewhere in their late twenties or early -thirties. Gramps looked older because he had already reached 70 when -anti-gerasone was invented. He had not aged in the 102 years since. - -"Meanwhile," the commentator was saying, "Council Bluffs, Iowa, was -still threatened by stark tragedy. But 200 weary rescue workers have -refused to give up hope, and continue to dig in an effort to save Elbert -Haggedorn, 183, who has been wedged for two days in a ..." - -"I wish he'd get something more cheerful," Emerald whispered to Lou. - - * * * * * - -"Silence!" cried Gramps. "Next one shoots off his big bazoo while the -TV's on is gonna find hisself cut off without a dollar--" his voice -suddenly softened and sweetened--"when they wave that checkered flag at -the Indianapolis Speedway, and old Gramps gets ready for the Big Trip Up -Yonder." - -He sniffed sentimentally, while his heirs concentrated desperately on -not making the slightest sound. For them, the poignancy of the -prospective Big Trip had been dulled somewhat, through having been -mentioned by Gramps about once a day for fifty years. - -"Dr. Brainard Keyes Bullard," continued the commentator, "President of -Wyandotte College, said in an address tonight that most of the world's -ills can be traced to the fact that Man's knowledge of himself has not -kept pace with his knowledge of the physical world." - -"_Hell!_" snorted Gramps. "We said _that_ a hundred years ago!" - -"In Chicago tonight," the commentator went on, "a special celebration is -taking place in the Chicago Lying-in Hospital. The guest of honor -is Lowell W. Hitz, age zero. Hitz, born this morning, is the -twenty-five-millionth child to be born in the hospital." The commentator -faded, and was replaced on the screen by young Hitz, who squalled -furiously. - -"Hell!" whispered Lou to Emerald. "We said that a hundred years ago." - -"I heard that!" shouted Gramps. He snapped off the television set and -his petrified descendants stared silently at the screen. "You, there, -boy--" - -"I didn't mean anything by it, sir," said Lou, aged 103. - -"Get me my will. You know where it is. You kids _all_ know where it is. -Fetch, boy!" Gramps snapped his gnarled fingers sharply. - -Lou nodded dully and found himself going down the hall, picking his way -over bedding to Gramps' room, the only private room in the Ford -apartment. The other rooms were the bathroom, the living room and the -wide windowless hallway, which was originally intended to serve as a -dining area, and which had a kitchenette in one end. Six mattresses and -four sleeping bags were dispersed in the hallway and living room, and -the daybed, in the living room, accommodated the eleventh couple, the -favorites of the moment. - -On Gramps' bureau was his will, smeared, dog-eared, perforated and -blotched with hundreds of additions, deletions, accusations, conditions, -warnings, advice and homely philosophy. The document was, Lou reflected, -a fifty-year diary, all jammed onto two sheets--a garbled, illegible log -of day after day of strife. This day, Lou would be disinherited for the -eleventh time, and it would take him perhaps six months of impeccable -behavior to regain the promise of a share in the estate. To say nothing -of the daybed in the living room for Em and himself. - -"Boy!" called Gramps. - -"Coming, sir." Lou hurried back into the living room and handed Gramps -the will. - -"Pen!" said Gramps. - - * * * * * - -He was instantly offered eleven pens, one from each couple. - -"Not _that_ leaky thing," he said, brushing Lou's pen aside. "Ah, -_there's_ a nice one. Good boy, Willy." He accepted Willy's pen. That -was the tip they had all been waiting for. Willy, then--Lou's -father--was the new favorite. - -Willy, who looked almost as young as Lou, though he was 142, did a poor -job of concealing his pleasure. He glanced shyly at the daybed, which -would become his, and from which Lou and Emerald would have to move back -into the hall, back to the worst spot of all by the bathroom door. - -Gramps missed none of the high drama he had authored and he gave his own -familiar role everything he had. Frowning and running his finger along -each line, as though he were seeing the will for the first time, he read -aloud in a deep portentous monotone, like a bass note on a cathedral -organ. - -[Illustration] - -"I, Harold D. Ford, residing in Building 257 of Alden Village, New York -City, Connecticut, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my -last Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and -codicils by me at any time heretofore made." He blew his nose -importantly and went on, not missing a word, and repeating many for -emphasis--repeating in particular his ever-more-elaborate specifications -for a funeral. - -At the end of these specifications, Gramps was so choked with emotion -that Lou thought he might have forgotten why he'd brought out the will -in the first place. But Gramps heroically brought his powerful emotions -under control and, after erasing for a full minute, began to write and -speak at the same time. Lou could have spoken his lines for him, he had -heard them so often. - -"I have had many heartbreaks ere leaving this vale of tears for a better -land," Gramps said and wrote. "But the deepest hurt of all has been -dealt me by--" He looked around the group, trying to remember who the -malefactor was. - -Everyone looked helpfully at Lou, who held up his hand resignedly. - -Gramps nodded, remembering, and completed the sentence--"my -great-grandson, Louis J. Ford." - -"Grandson, sir," said Lou. - -"Don't quibble. You're in deep enough now, young man," said Gramps, but -he made the change. And, from there, he went without a misstep through -the phrasing of the disinheritance, causes for which were -disrespectfulness and quibbling. - - * * * * * - -In the paragraph following, the paragraph that had belonged to everyone -in the room at one time or another, Lou's name was scratched out and -Willy's substituted as heir to the apartment and, the biggest plum of -all, the double bed in the private bedroom. - -"So!" said Gramps, beaming. He erased the date at the foot of the will -and substituted a new one, including the time of day. "Well--time to -watch the McGarvey Family." The McGarvey Family was a television serial -that Gramps had been following since he was 60, or for a total of 112 -years. "I can't wait to see what's going to happen next," he said. - -Lou detached himself from the group and lay down on his bed of pain by -the bathroom door. Wishing Em would join him, he wondered where she was. - -He dozed for a few moments, until he was disturbed by someone stepping -over him to get into the bathroom. A moment later, he heard a faint -gurgling sound, as though something were being poured down the washbasin -drain. Suddenly, it entered his mind that Em had cracked up, that she -was in there doing something drastic about Gramps. - -"Em?" he whispered through the panel. There was no reply, and Lou -pressed against the door. The worn lock, whose bolt barely engaged its -socket, held for a second, then let the door swing inward. - -"Morty!" gasped Lou. - -Lou's great-grandnephew, Mortimer, who had just married and brought his -wife home to the Ford menage, looked at Lou with consternation and -surprise. Morty kicked the door shut, but not before Lou had glimpsed -what was in his hand--Gramps' enormous economy-size bottle of -anti-gerasone, which had apparently been half-emptied, and which Morty -was refilling with tap water. - -A moment later, Morty came out, glared defiantly at Lou and brushed past -him wordlessly to rejoin his pretty bride. - -Shocked, Lou didn't know what to do. He couldn't let Gramps take the -mousetrapped anti-gerasone--but, if he warned Gramps about it, Gramps -would certainly make life in the apartment, which was merely -insufferable now, harrowing. - -Lou glanced into the living room and saw that the Fords, Emerald among -them, were momentarily at rest, relishing the botches that the McGarveys -had made of _their_ lives. Stealthily, he went into the bathroom, locked -the door as well as he could and began to pour the contents of Gramps' -bottle down the drain. He was going to refill it with full-strength -anti-gerasone from the 22 smaller bottles on the shelf. - -The bottle contained a half-gallon, and its neck was small, so it seemed -to Lou that the emptying would take forever. And the almost -imperceptible smell of anti-gerasone, like Worcestershire sauce, now -seemed to Lou, in his nervousness, to be pouring out into the rest of -the apartment, through the keyhole and under the door. - - * * * * * - -The bottle gurgled monotonously. Suddenly, up came the sound of music -from the living room and there were murmurs and the scraping of -chair-legs on the floor. "Thus ends," said the television announcer, -"the 29,121st chapter in the life of your neighbors and mine, the -McGarveys." Footsteps were coming down the hall. There was a knock on -the bathroom door. - -"Just a sec," Lou cheerily called out. Desperately, he shook the big -bottle, trying to speed up the flow. His palms slipped on the wet glass, -and the heavy bottle smashed on the tile floor. - -The door was pushed open, and Gramps, dumbfounded, stared at the -incriminating mess. - -Lou felt a hideous prickling sensation on his scalp and the back of his -neck. He grinned engagingly through his nausea and, for want of anything -remotely resembling a thought, waited for Gramps to speak. - -"Well, boy," said Gramps at last, "looks like you've got a little -tidying up to do." - -And that was all he said. He turned around, elbowed his way through the -crowd and locked himself in his bedroom. - -The Fords contemplated Lou in incredulous silence a moment longer, and -then hurried back to the living room, as though some of his horrible -guilt would taint them, too, if they looked too long. Morty stayed -behind long enough to give Lou a quizzical, annoyed glance. Then he also -went into the living room, leaving only Emerald standing in the doorway. - -Tears streamed over her cheeks. "Oh, you poor lamb--_please_ don't look -so awful! It was my fault. I put you up to this with my nagging about -Gramps." - -"No," said Lou, finding his voice, "really you didn't. Honest, Em, I was -just--" - -"You don't have to explain anything to me, hon. I'm on your side, no -matter what." She kissed him on one cheek and whispered in his ear, "It -wouldn't have been murder, hon. It wouldn't have killed him. It wasn't -such a terrible thing to do. It just would have fixed him up so he'd be -able to go any time God decided He wanted him." - -"What's going to happen next, Em?" said Lou hollowly. "What's he going -to do?" - - * * * * * - -Lou and Emerald stayed fearfully awake almost all night, waiting to see -what Gramps was going to do. But not a sound came from the sacred -bedroom. Two hours before dawn, they finally dropped off to sleep. - -At six o'clock, they arose again, for it was time for their generation -to eat breakfast in the kitchenette. No one spoke to them. They had -twenty minutes in which to eat, but their reflexes were so dulled by the -bad night that they had hardly swallowed two mouthfuls of egg-type -processed seaweed before it was time to surrender their places to their -son's generation. - -Then, as was the custom for whoever had been most recently disinherited, -they began preparing Gramps' breakfast, which would presently be served -to him in bed, on a tray. They tried to be cheerful about it. The -toughest part of the job was having to handle the honest-to-God eggs and -bacon and oleomargarine, on which Gramps spent so much of the income -from his fortune. - -"Well," said Emerald, "I'm not going to get all panicky until I'm sure -there's something to be panicky about." - -"Maybe he doesn't know what it was I busted," Lou said hopefully. - -"Probably thinks it was your watch crystal," offered Eddie, their son, -who was toying apathetically with his buckwheat-type processed sawdust -cakes. - -"Don't get sarcastic with your father," said Em, "and don't talk with -your mouth full, either." - -"I'd like to see anybody take a mouthful of this stuff and _not_ say -something," complained Eddie, who was 73. He glanced at the clock. "It's -time to take Gramps his breakfast, you know." - -"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" said Lou weakly. He shrugged. "Let's have the -tray, Em." - -"We'll both go." - -Walking slowly, smiling bravely, they found a large semi-circle of -long-faced Fords standing around the bedroom door. - -Em knocked. "Gramps," she called brightly, "_break_-fast is _rea_-dy." - -There was no reply and she knocked again, harder. - -The door swung open before her fist. In the middle of the room, the -soft, deep, wide, canopied bed, the symbol of the sweet by-and-by to -every Ford, was empty. - -A sense of death, as unfamiliar to the Fords as Zoroastrianism or the -causes of the Sepoy Mutiny, stilled every voice, slowed every heart. -Awed, the heirs began to search gingerly, under the furniture and behind -the drapes, for all that was mortal of Gramps, father of the clan. - - * * * * * - -But Gramps had left not his Earthly husk but a note, which Lou finally -found on the dresser, under a paperweight which was a treasured souvenir -from the World's Fair of 2000. Unsteadily, Lou read it aloud: - -"'Somebody who I have sheltered and protected and taught the best I know -how all these years last night turned on me like a mad dog and diluted -my anti-gerasone, or tried to. I am no longer a young man. I can no -longer bear the crushing burden of life as I once could. So, after last -night's bitter experience, I say good-by. The cares of this world will -soon drop away like a cloak of thorns and I shall know peace. By the -time you find this, I will be gone.'" - -"Gosh," said Willy brokenly, "he didn't even get to see how the -5000-mile Speedway Race was going to come out." - -"Or the Solar Series," Eddie said, with large mournful eyes. - -"Or whether Mrs. McGarvey got her eyesight back," added Morty. - -"There's more," said Lou, and he began reading aloud again: "'I, Harold -D. Ford, etc., do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last -Will and Testament, revoking any and all former wills and codicils by me -at any time heretofore made.'" - -"No!" cried Willy. "Not another one!" - -"'I do stipulate,'" read Lou, "'that all of my property, of whatsoever -kind and nature, not be divided, but do devise and bequeath it to be -held in common by my issue, without regard for generation, equally, -share and share alike.'" - -"Issue?" said Emerald. - -Lou included the multitude in a sweep of his hand. "It means we all own -the whole damn shootin' match." - -Each eye turned instantly to the bed. - -"Share and share alike?" asked Morty. - -"Actually," said Willy, who was the oldest one present, "it's just like -the old system, where the oldest people head up things with their -headquarters in here and--" - -"I like _that_!" exclaimed Em. "Lou owns as much of it as you do, and I -say it ought to be for the oldest one who's still working. You can -snooze around here all day, waiting for your pension check, while poor -Lou stumbles in here after work, all tuckered out, and--" - -"How about letting somebody who's never had _any_ privacy get a little -crack at it?" Eddie demanded hotly. "Hell, you old people had plenty of -privacy back when you were kids. I was born and raised in the middle of -that goddamn barracks in the hall! How about--" - -"Yeah?" challenged Morty. "Sure, you've all had it pretty tough, and my -heart bleeds for you. But try honeymooning in the hall for a real kick." - -"_Silence!_" shouted Willy imperiously. "The next person who opens his -mouth spends the next sixth months by the bathroom. Now clear out of my -room. I want to think." - -A vase shattered against the wall, inches above his head. - - * * * * * - -In the next moment, a free-for-all was under way, with each couple -battling to eject every other couple from the room. Fighting coalitions -formed and dissolved with the lightning changes of the tactical -situation. Em and Lou were thrown into the hall, where they organized -others in the same situation, and stormed back into the room. - -After two hours of struggle, with nothing like a decision in sight, the -cops broke in, followed by television cameramen from mobile units. - -For the next half-hour, patrol wagons and ambulances hauled away Fords, -and then the apartment was still and spacious. - -An hour later, films of the last stages of the riot were being televised -to 500,000,000 delighted viewers on the Eastern Seaboard. - -In the stillness of the three-room Ford apartment on the 76th floor of -Building 257, the television set had been left on. Once more the air was -filled with the cries and grunts and crashes of the fray, coming -harmlessly now from the loudspeaker. - -The battle also appeared on the screen of the television set in the -police station, where the Fords and their captors watched with -professional interest. - -Em and Lou, in adjacent four-by-eight cells, were stretched out -peacefully on their cots. - -"Em," called Lou through the partition, "you got a washbasin all your -own, too?" - -"Sure. Washbasin, bed, light--the works. And we thought _Gramps'_ room -was something. How long has this been going on?" She held out her hand. -"For the first time in forty years, hon, I haven't got the shakes--look -at me!" - -"Cross your fingers," said Lou. "The lawyer's going to try to get us a -year." - -"Gee!" Em said dreamily. "I wonder what kind of wires you'd have to pull -to get put away in solitary?" - -"All right, pipe down," said the turnkey, "or I'll toss the whole kit -and caboodle of you right out. And first one who lets on to anybody -outside how good jail is ain't never getting back in!" - -The prisoners instantly fell silent. - - * * * * * - -The living room of the apartment darkened for a moment as the riot -scenes faded on the television screen, and then the face of the -announcer appeared, like the Sun coming from behind a cloud. "And now, -friends," he said, "I have a special message from the makers of -anti-gerasone, a message for all you folks over 150. Are you hampered -socially by wrinkles, by stiffness of joints and discoloration or loss -of hair, all because these things came upon you before anti-gerasone was -developed? Well, if you are, you need no longer suffer, need no longer -feel different and out of things. - -"After years of research, medical science has now developed -_Super_-anti-gerasone! In weeks--yes, weeks--you can look, feel and act -as young as your great-great-grandchildren! Wouldn't you pay $5,000 to -be indistinguishable from everybody else? Well, you don't have to. Safe, -tested _Super_-anti-gerasone costs you only a few dollars a day. - -"Write now for your free trial carton. Just put your name and address on -a dollar postcard, and mail it to '_Super_,' Box 500,000, Schenectady, -N. Y. Have you got that? I'll repeat it. '_Super_,' Box 500,000 ..." - -Underlining the announcer's words was the scratching of Gramps' pen, the -one Willy had given him the night before. He had come in, a few minutes -earlier, from the Idle Hour Tavern, which commanded a view of Building -257 from across the square of asphalt known as the Alden Village Green. -He had called a cleaning woman to come straighten the place up, then had -hired the best lawyer in town to get his descendants a conviction, a -genius who had never gotten a client less than a year and a day. Gramps -had then moved the daybed before the television screen, so that he could -watch from a reclining position. It was something he'd dreamed of doing -for years. - -"Schen-_ec_-ta-dy," murmured Gramps. "Got it!" His face had changed -remarkably. His facial muscles seemed to have relaxed, revealing -kindness and equanimity under what had been taut lines of bad temper. It -was almost as though his trial package of _Super_-anti-gerasone had -already arrived. When something amused him on television, he smiled -easily, rather than barely managing to lengthen the thin line of his -mouth a millimeter. - -Life was good. He could hardly wait to see what was going to happen -next. - - --KURT VONNEGUT, JR. - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - - This etext was produced from _Galaxy Science Fiction_ January 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. - copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and - typographical errors have been corrected without note. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Big Trip Up Yonder, by Kurt Vonnegut - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIG TRIP UP YONDER *** - -***** This file should be named 30240.txt or 30240.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/2/4/30240/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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