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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Record of Nicholas Freydon, by A. J.
+(Alec John) Dawson
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Record of Nicholas Freydon
+       An Autobiography
+
+
+Author: A. J. (Alec John) Dawson
+
+
+
+Release Date: December 18, 2009  [eBook #30704]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Clare Graham from page images generously made available
+by Internet Archive (http://www.archive.org)
+
+
+
+Note: Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive. See
+      http://www.archive.org/details/recordofnicholas00daws
+
+
+
+
+
+THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON
+
+An Autobiography
+
+[A novel by Alec John Dawson]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+This etext prepared from the first edition published in 1914 by
+Constable and Company Ltd, London.
+
+
+
+
+EDITOR'S PREFATORY NOTE
+
+It would ill become any writer to adopt an apologetic tone in
+introducing the work of another pen than his own, and indeed I have no
+thought of _apologia_ where Nicholas Freydon's writing is concerned.
+On the contrary, it is out of respect for my friend's quality as a
+writer that I am moved to a word of explanation here. It is this:
+there are circumstances, sufficiently indicated I think in the text of
+the book and my own footnote thereto, which tended to prevent my
+performance of those offices for my friend's work which are usually
+expected of one who is said to edit. It would be more fitting, I
+suppose, if a phrase were borrowed from the theatrical world, and this
+record of a man's life were said to be 'presented' rather than
+'edited,' by me. I am advised to accept the editorial title in this
+connection, but it is the truth that the book has not been edited at
+all, in the ordinary acceptance of the term. A few purely verbal
+emendations have been made in it, but Nicholas Freydon's last piece of
+writing has never been revised, nor even arranged in deference to
+accepted canons of book-making. It is given here as it left the
+author's pen, designed, not for your eye or mine, but for that of its
+writer, to be weighed and considered by him. But that weighing and
+consideration it has not received.
+
+So much I feel it incumbent upon me to say, as the avowed sponsor for
+the book, in order that praise and blame may be rightly apportioned.
+Touching the inherent value of this document, nothing whatever is due
+to me. Any criticism of its arrangement, or lack of arrangement, to be
+just, should be levelled at myself alone.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY
+
+CHILDHOOD--ENGLAND
+
+BOYHOOD--AUSTRALIA
+
+YOUTH--AUSTRALIA
+
+MANHOOD--ENGLAND: FIRST PERIOD
+
+MANHOOD--ENGLAND: SECOND PERIOD
+
+THE LAST STAGE
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+
+
+
+THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY
+
+
+Back there in London--how many leagues and aeons distant!--I threw
+down my pen and fled here to the ends of the earth, in pursuit of rest
+and self-comprehending peace of mind. Here I now take up the pen again
+and return in thought to London: that vast cockpit; still in pursuit
+of rest and self-comprehending peace of mind.
+
+That seems wasteful and not very hopeful. But, to be honest--and if
+this final piece of pen-work be not honest to its core, it certainly
+will prove the very acme of futility--I must add the expression of
+opinion that most of the important actions of my life till now have
+had the self-same goal in view: peace of mind. The surprising thing is
+that, right up to this present, every one of my efforts has been
+backed by a substantial if varying amount of solid conviction; of
+belief that that particular action would bring the long-sought reward.
+I suppose I thought this in coming here, in fleeing from London. Nay,
+I know I did.
+
+The latest, and I suppose the last, illusion bids me believe that if,
+using the literary habit of a lifetime, I can set down in ordered
+sequence the salient facts and events of that restless, struggling
+pilgrimage I call my life, there is a likelihood that, seeing the
+entire fabric in one piece, I may be able truly to understand it, and,
+understanding it, to rest content before it ends. The ironical habit
+makes me call it an illusion. In strict truth I listen to the call
+with some confidence; not, to be sure, with the flaming ardour which
+in bygone years has set me leaping into action in answer to such a
+call; yet with real hope.
+
+It is none so easy a task, this exact charting out of so complex a
+matter as a man's life. And it may be that long practice of the
+writer's art but serves to heighten its difficulties. For example,
+since writing the sentence ending on that word 'hope,' I have covered
+two whole pages with writing which has now been converted into ashes
+among the logs upon my hearth. For the covering of those pages two
+volumes had been fingered and referred to, if you please, and my
+faulty memory drawn upon for yet a third quotation. So much for the
+habit of literary allusiveness, engrained into one by years of
+book-making, and yet more surely, I suspect, by labour for hire on the
+newspaper press.
+
+But, though I have detected and removed these two pages of
+irrelevance, I foresee that unessential and therefore obscurantic
+matter will creep in. Well, when I come to weigh the completed record,
+I must allow for that; and, meanwhile, so far as time and my own
+limitations as selector permit, I will prune and clear away from the
+line of vision these weeds of errant fancy. For the record must of all
+things be honest and comprehensive; rather than shapely, effective, or
+literary. To be sure the pundits would say that this is to misuse and
+play with words; to perpetrate a contradiction in terms. Well, we
+shall see. Whatever the critics might say, your author by profession
+would understand me well enough when I say: 'Honest, rather than
+literary.'
+
+How, to begin with, may I label and describe my present self? There,
+immediately, I am faced with one of the difficulties of this task. One
+can say of most men that they are this or that; of this class, order,
+sect, party, or type; and, behold them neatly docketed! But in all
+honesty I cannot say that I am of any special class, or that I
+'belong' anywhere in particular. There is no circle in any community
+which is indefeasibly my own by right of birth and training. I am
+still a member of two London clubs, I believe. They were never more
+than hotels for me. I am probably what most folk call a gentleman; but
+how much does that signify in the twentieth century? Many simple
+people would likely call me a person of education, even of learning,
+belike, seeing a list of books under my name. A schoolman who examined
+me would be pardoned (by me, at all events) for calling me an
+ignoramus of no education whatever. For--and this I never reflected
+upon until the present moment--I could not for the life of me
+'analyse' the simplest sentence, in the rather odd scholastic sense of
+that word. Inherited instinct and long practice make me aware, I
+believe, of an error in syntax, when I chance upon one. But I could
+only tell you that it was wrong, and never how or why. I know
+something of literature, but less of mathematics than I assume to be
+known by the modern ten-year-old schoolboy; something of three or four
+languages, but nothing of their grammar. I have met and talked with
+some of the most notable people of my time, but truly prefer cottage
+life before that of the greatest houses. And so, in a score of other
+ways, I feel it difficult informingly and justly to label myself.
+
+But--let me have done with difficulties and definitions. My task shall
+be the setting forth of facts, out of which definitions must shape
+themselves. And, for a beginning, I must turn aside from my present
+self, pass by a number of dead selves, each differing in a thousand
+ways from every other, and bring my mind to bear for the moment upon
+that infinitely remote self: the child, Nicholas Freydon. It may be
+that curious and distant infant will help to explain the man.
+
+
+
+
+CHILDHOOD--ENGLAND
+
+
+I
+
+
+The things I remember about my earliest infancy are not in the least
+romantic.
+
+First, I think, come two pictures, both perfectly distinct, and both
+connected with domestic servants. The one is of a firelit interior,
+below street level: an immense kitchen, with shining copper vessels in
+it, an extremely hot and red fire, and a tall screen covered over with
+pictures. An enormously large woman in a blue and white print gown
+sits toasting herself before the fire; and a less immense female, in
+white print with sprays of pink flowers on it, is devoting herself to
+me. This last was Amelia; a cheerful, comely, buxom, and in the main
+kindly creature, as I remember her. In the kitchen was a well-scrubbed
+table of about three-quarters of a mile in length, and possessed of as
+many legs as a centipede, some of which could be moved to support
+flaps. (To put a measuring-tape over that table nowadays, or over
+other things in the kitchen, for that matter, might bring
+disappointment, I suppose.) These legs formed fascinating walls and
+boundaries for a series of romantic dwelling-places, shops, caves, and
+suchlike resorts, among which a small boy could wander at will, when
+lucky enough to be allowed to visit this warm apartment at all. The
+whole place was pervaded by an odour indescribably pleasing to my
+infantile nostrils, and compact of suggestions of heat acting upon
+clean print gowns, tea-cakes done to a turn, scrubbed wood, and hot
+soap-suds.
+
+But the full ecstasy of a visit to this place was only attained when I
+was lifted upon the vast table by the warm and rosy Amelia, and
+allowed to leap therefrom into her extended arms; she rushing toward
+me, and both of us emitting either shrill or growling noises as the
+psychological moment of my leap was reached. At the time I used to
+think that springing from a trapeze, set in the dome of a great
+building, into a net beneath, must be the most ravishing of all joys;
+but I incline now to think that my more homely feat of leaping into
+Amelia's warm arms was, upon the whole, probably a pleasanter thing.
+
+This memory is of something which I believe happened fairly
+frequently. My other most distinct recollection of what I imagine to
+have been the same period in history is of a visit, a Sunday afternoon
+visit, I think, paid with Amelia. I must have been of tender years,
+because, though during parts of the journey I travelled on my own two
+feet, I recollect occasional lapses into a perambulator, as it might
+be in the case of an elderly or invalid person who walks awhile along
+a stretch of level sward, and then takes his ease for a time in
+victoria or bath-chair.
+
+I remember Amelia lifting me out from my carriage in the doorway of
+what I regarded as a very delightful small house, redolent of strange
+and exciting odours, some of which I connect with the subsequent gift
+of a slab of stuff that I ate with gusto as cake. My mature view is
+that it was cold bread-pudding of a peculiarly villainous clamminess.
+It is interesting to note that my delight in this fearsome dainty was
+based upon its most malevolent quality: the chill consistency of the
+stuff, which made it resemble the kind of leathery jelly that I have
+seen used to moisten the face of a rubber stamp withal.
+
+In this house--it was probably in a slum, certainly in a mean
+street--one stepped direct from the pavement into a small kitchen,
+where an elderly man sat smoking a long clay pipe. A covered stairway
+rose mysteriously from one side of this apartment into the two
+bedrooms above. A door beside the stairway opened into a tiny scullery,
+from which light was pretty thoroughly excluded by the high, black wall
+which dripped and frowned no more than three feet away from its
+window. I have little doubt that this scullery was a pestilent place.
+At the time it appealed to my romantic sense as something rather
+attractive.
+
+The elderly man in the kitchen was Amelia's father. That in itself
+naturally gave him distinction in my eyes. But, in addition, he was an
+old sailor, and, with a knife which was attached to a white lanyard,
+he could carve delightful boats (thoroughly seaworthy in a wash-hand
+basin) out of ordinary sticks of firewood. It is to be noted, by the
+way, a thing I never thought of till this moment, that these same
+sticks and bundles of firewood have a peculiarly distinctive smell of
+their own. It is the smell of a certain kind of grocer's shop whose
+proprietor, for some esoteric reason, calls himself an 'Italian
+warehouse-man.' In later life I occasionally visited such a shop,
+between Fleet Street and the river, when I had rooms in that locality.
+
+Boat-building figured largely in that visit to Amelia's parents. (The
+girl had a mother; large, flaccid, and, on this occasion, partly
+dissolved in tears.) But the episode immediately preceding our
+departure is what overshadowed everything else for me that day, and
+for several subsequent nights. Amelia and the tearful mother took me
+up the dark little stairway, and introduced me to Death. They showed
+me Amelia's sister, Jinny, who died (of consumption, I believe) on the
+day before our visit. I still can see the alabaster white face, with
+its pronounced vein-markings; the straight, thin form, outlined
+beneath a sheet, in that tiny, low-ceiled, airless garret. What a
+picture to place before an infant on a sunny Sunday afternoon! It
+might be supposed that I had asked to see it, for I remember Amelia
+saying, as one about to give a child a treat:
+
+'Now, mind, Master Nicholas, you're to be a very good boy, and you're
+not to say a word about it to any one.'
+
+But, no, I do not think I can have desired the experience, for to this
+day I cherish a lively recollection of the agony of sick horror which
+swam over me when, in obedience to instructions given, I suffered my
+lips to touch the marble-like face of the dead girl.
+
+How strange is that unquestioning obedience of childhood! Recognition
+of it might well give pause to careless instructors of youth. The kiss
+meant torture to me, in anticipation and in fact. But I was bidden,
+and never dreamed of refusing to obey. No doubt, there was also at
+work in me some dim sort of infantile delicacy. This was an occasion
+upon which a gentleman could have no choice....
+
+Ah, well, I believe Amelia was a dear good soul, and I am sure I hope
+she married well, and lived happily ever after. I have no recollection
+whatever of how or when she drifted out of my life. But the visit to
+Jinny's deathbed, and the exciting leaps from the immeasurably long
+kitchen table into Amelia's print-clad arms, are things which stand
+out rather more clearly in my recollection than many of the events of,
+say, twenty years later.
+
+
+II
+
+
+How is it that my earliest recollections should centre about folk no
+nearer or dearer to me than domestic servants? I know that my mother
+died within three months of my birth. There had to be, and was,
+another woman in my life before Amelia; but I have no memories of her.
+She was an aunt, an unmarried sister of my mother's; but I believe my
+father quarrelled with her before I began to 'take notice' very much;
+and then came Amelia.
+
+The large underground kitchen really was fairly big. I had a look at
+it no more than a dozen years ago. The house, too, was and is a not
+unpleasing one, situated within a stone's throw of Russell Square,
+Bloomsbury. Its spaces are ample, its fittings solidly good, and its
+area less subterranean than many. Near by is a select livery stable
+and mews of sub-rural aspect, with Virginia creeper climbing over a
+horse's head in stucco. Amelia shared with me a night nursery and a
+nursery-living room in this house, the latter overlooking the mews,
+through the curving iron rails of a tiny balcony. Below us my father
+occupied a small bedroom and a large sitting-room, the latter being
+the 'first floor front.'
+
+At this time, and indeed during all the period of my first English
+memories--say, eight years--my father was engaged in journalistic
+work. I know now that he had been called to the bar, a member of
+Lincoln's Inn; but I do not know that he ever had a brief. He gave
+some years, I believe, to coaching and tutoring. I remember seeing,
+later in my boyhood, a tattered yellow prospectus which showed that he
+once delivered certain lectures on such subjects as 'Mediaeval English
+Poetry.' In my time I gather that my father called no man master or
+employer, but was rather the slave of a number of autocrats in Fleet
+Street. 'The office,' as between Amelia and myself, may have meant all
+Fleet Street. But my impression now is that it meant the building then
+occupied by the ----. (Here figures the name of one of London's oldest
+morning newspapers.--Ed.) And, it may be, the ---- Club; for I have
+reason to believe that my father did much of his work at his club. I
+have even talked there with one member at least who recollected this
+fact.
+
+But the memory of my father as he was in this early period is
+curiously vague. It would seem that he produced no very clear
+impression on my mind then. Our meetings were not very frequent, I
+think. As I chiefly recall them, they occurred in the wide but rather
+dark entrance hall, and were accompanied by conversation confined to
+Amelia and my father. At such times he would be engaged in polishing
+his hat, sometimes with a velvet pad, and sometimes on his
+coat-sleeve. I used to hear from him remarks like these:
+
+'Well, keep him out of doors as much as possible, so long as it
+doesn't rain. Eh? Oh, well, you'd better buy another. How much will it
+be? I will send up word if I am back before the boy's bed-time.'
+
+And then he might turn to me, after putting on his hat, and absently
+pull one of my ears, or stroke my nose or forehead. His hands were
+very slender, warm, and pleasantly odorous of soap and tobacco. 'Be a
+good man,' he would say. And there the interview ended. He never said:
+'Be a good child'; always 'a good man'; and sometimes he would repeat
+it, in a gravely preoccupied way.
+
+Once, and, so far as I remember, only once, we met him out-of-doors;
+in the park, it was, and he took us both to the Zoological Gardens,
+and gave us tea there. (Yellowish cake with white sugar icing over it
+has ever since suggested to me the pungent smell of monkey-houses and
+lions' cages.) The meeting was purely accidental, I believe.
+
+It must have been in about my ninth year, I fancy, that I began really
+to know something of my father, as a man, rather than as a sort of
+supernatural, hat-polishing, He-who-must-be-obeyed. We had a small
+house of our own then, in Putney; and the occasion of our first coming
+together as fellow-humans was a shared walk across Wimbledon Common,
+and into Richmond Park by the Robin Hood Gate. The period was the
+'sixties of last century, and I had just begun my attendance each day
+at a local 'Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.' To us, in the Academy,
+my father descended as from Olympus, while the afternoon was yet
+young, and carried me off before the envious eyes of my fellow
+sufferers and what I felt to be the grudging gaze of the usher, who
+had already twice since dinner-time severely pulled my ears, because
+of some confusion that existed in my mind between Alfred and his burnt
+cakes and Canute and his wet feet. (As I understood it, Canute sat on
+the beach upon one of those minute camp-stools which mothers and
+nurses used at the seaside before the luxurious era of canopied
+hammock chairs.)
+
+In my devious childish fashion, I presently gathered that there had
+been momentous doings in London town that day, and that in the upshot
+my father had terminated his connection with the famous newspaper from
+which the bulk of his earnings had been drawn for some years. For a
+little while I fancied this must be almost as delightful for him as my
+own unexpected escape from the Academy that afternoon had been for me.
+But, gradually, my embryo intelligence rejected this theory, and I
+became possessed of a sense of grave happenings, almost, it might be,
+of catastrophe. Quite certainly, my father had never before talked to
+me as he did that summer afternoon in Richmond Park. His vein was, for
+him, somewhat declamatory, and his unusual gestures impressed me
+hugely. It is likely that at times he forgot my presence, or ceased,
+at all events, to remember that his companion was his child. His
+massive, silver-headed malacca cane did great execution among the
+bracken, I remember.
+
+(I had been rather pleased for my school-mates to have had an
+opportunity of observing this stick, and had regretted the absence of
+my father's usual hat, equal in refulgence to the cane. Evidently, he
+had called at the house and changed his head-gear before walking up to
+the Academy, for he now wore the soft black hat which he called his
+'wideawake.')
+
+That he was occasionally conscious of me his monologue proved, for it
+included such swift, jerky sentences as:
+
+'Remember that, my son. Have nothing to do with this accursed trade of
+ink-spilling. Literary work! God save the mark!' (I wondered what
+particular ink 'mark' this referred to.) 'The purse-proud wretches
+think they buy your soul with their starveling cheques. Ten years' use
+of my brain; ten years wasted in slavish pot-boiling for them; and
+then--then, this!'
+
+'This,' I imagine, was dismissal; accepted resignation, say. I
+gathered that my father had been free to do his work where he chose;
+that he had used the newspaper office only as a place in which to
+consult with his editor before writing; and that now some new broom in
+the office was changing all that; that my father had been bidden to
+attend a certain desk during stated hours to perform routine work each
+day; that he had protested, refused, and closed his connection with
+the journal, after a heated interview with some managerial bashaw.
+
+In the light of all I now know, I apprehend that my father had just
+been brought into contact with the first stirrings of those radical
+changes which revolutionised the London world of literature and
+journalism during the last three decades of the nineteenth century.
+The Board School had not quite arrived, but the social revolution was
+at hand; and, there among the bracken in Richmond Park, my father with
+his malacca cane was defying the tide--like my friend of the
+camp-stool: Canute. Remembered phrases like: 'Underbred little clerk!';
+'His place is the counting-house, and ---- [the editor] should have
+known better than to leave us at the mercy of this impudent cad,'
+convince me that my father's wrath was in great part directed less
+against an individual than a social movement or tendency.
+
+Much that my father said that afternoon would probably have a
+ridiculous seeming in this twentieth century. Compulsory education and
+the aesthetic movement, not to mention the Labour Party, Tory
+Democrats, and the Halfpenny Press, were as yet undiscovered delights
+when my father talked to me in Richmond Park. A young man of to-day,
+reading or listening to such words, would almost certainly be misled
+by them regarding the character and position of the speaker. My father
+was no scion of a noble house, but the only son of a decayed merchant.
+His attitude of mind and disposition, however, were naturally somewhat
+aristocratic, I think. Also, as I have said, our talk was in the
+'sixties. He was sensitive, very proud, inclined, perhaps, to
+scornfulness, certainly to fastidiousness, and one who seldom suffered
+fools either gladly or with much show of tolerance. It was a somewhat
+unfortunate temperament, probably, for a man situated as he was,
+possessed of no private means and dependent entirely upon his
+earnings. In my mother, I believe he had married a lady of somewhat
+higher social standing than his own, who never was reconciled to the
+comparatively narrow and straitened circumstances of her brief
+wifehood.
+
+'The people who have to do with newspapers are the serfs and the
+prostitutes of literature. It was not always so, but I've felt it
+coming for some time now. It is the growing dominion of the City, of
+commerce, of their boasted democracy. The People's Will! Disgusting
+rubbish! How the deuce should these office-bred hucksters know what is
+best? But, I tell you, my boy, that it is they who are becoming the
+masters. There is no more room in journalism for a gentleman;
+certainly not for literary men and people of culture. They think it
+will pay them better to run their wretched sheets for the proletariat.
+We shall see. Oh, I am better out of it, of course. I see that
+clearly; and I am thankful to be clear of their drudgery.' (My
+listening mind brightened.) 'But yet--there's your education to be
+thought of. Expenses are--And, of course--H'm!' (Clouds shadowed my
+outlook once more.) 'This pitiful anxiety to cling to the safety of a
+salary is humiliating--unworthy of one's manhood. Good heavens! why
+was I born, not one of them, and yet dependent on the caprices of such
+people?'
+
+It may be filial partiality, but something makes me feel genuinely
+sorry for my father, as I look back upon that outpouring of his in
+Richmond Park. And that was in the 'sixties. I wonder how the
+twentieth-century journalism would have struck him. The later
+subtleties of unadmitted advertising, the headline, the skittishly
+impressionistic descriptive masterpieces of 'our special
+representative,' and the halfpenny newspapers, were all unthought-of
+boons, then. And as for the advancing democracy of his prophecies,
+why, there were quite real sumptuary laws of a sort still holding sway
+in the 'sixties, and well on into the 'eighties, for that matter!
+
+We walked home from the Roehampton Gate, and in some respects I was no
+longer quite a child when I climbed into bed that night.
+
+
+III
+
+
+In my eyes, at all events, there was a kind of a partnership between
+my father and myself from this time onward. Before, there had been
+three groups in my scheme of things: upon the one hand, Amelia (or her
+successor) and myself, with, latterly, some of the people of the
+Putney Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen; in another and quite
+separate compartment, my father; and, finally, the rest of the world.
+Gradually, now, I came to see things rather in this wise: upon the one
+hand, my father and myself, with, perhaps, a few other folk as
+satellites; and, on the other hand, the rest of the world.
+
+And at this early stage I began to regard the world--every one outside
+our own small camp--in an antagonistic light, as a hostile force, as
+the enemy. Life was a battle in which the odds were fearfully uneven;
+for it was my father and myself against the world. Needless to say, I
+did not put the matter to myself in those words; but at this precise
+period I am well assured that I acquired this attitude of mind. It
+dated from the admittance into partnership with my father, which was
+signalised by the walk and talk among the bracken in Richmond Park.
+
+I ought to say that I had always had a great admiration for my father.
+He seemed to me clearly superior in a thousand ways to other men. But
+never before the Richmond episode had there been personal sympathy,
+nor yet any loyal feeling of fellowship, mingled with this admiration.
+
+I remember very distinctly the pride I felt in my father's personal
+appearance. He was not a dandy, I think; but there was a certain quiet
+nicety and delicacy about his dress and manner which impressed me
+greatly. The hair about his ears and temples was silvery grey; one of
+the marks of his superiority, in my eyes. He always raised his hat in
+leaving a shop in which a woman served; his manner of accepting or
+tendering an apology among strangers was very grand indeed. In
+saluting men in the street, he had a spacious way of raising his
+malacca stick which, to this day, would charm me, were it possible to
+see such a gesture in these rushing times. The photograph before me as
+I write proves that my father was a handsome man, but it does not show
+the air of distinction which I am assured was his. And, let me record
+here the fact that, whatever might be thought of the wisdom or
+otherwise of his views or actions, I never once knew him to be guilty
+of an act of vulgar discourtesy, nor of anything remotely resembling
+meanness.
+
+In these days it is safe to say that the very poorest toiler's child
+has more of schooling than I had, and, doubtless, a superior sort of
+schooling. I spent rather less than a year and a half at the Putney
+Academy, and that was the beginning and the end of my schooling.
+Before being introduced to the Academy, I was a fairly keen reader;
+and that remained. At the Academy I was obliged to write in a copy-book,
+and to commit to memory sundry valueless dates. There may have
+been other acquisitions (irrespective of ear-tweakings and various
+cuts from a vicious little cane), but I have no recollection of them;
+and, to this day, the simplest exercises of everyday figuring baffle
+me the moment I take a pencil in my hand. If I cannot arrive at
+solution 'in my head' I am done, and many a minor monetary loss have I
+suffered in consequence.
+
+I trust I am justified in believing that to-day there are no such
+schools left in England as that Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen, in
+Putney. As a training establishment it was more suitable, I think, for
+the sons of parrots or rabbits. I never even learned to handle a
+cricket bat or ball there. Neither, I think, did any of my
+contemporaries in that futile place. The headmaster and proprietor was
+a harassed and disappointed man, who exhausted whatever energies he
+possessed in interviewing parents and keeping up appearances. His one
+underpaid usher was a young man of whom I remember little, beyond his
+habit of pulling my ears in class, and the astoundingly rich crop of
+pimples on his face, which he seemed to be always cultivating with
+applications of cotton-wool, plaster, and nasty stuff from a flat
+white jar. His mind, I verily believe, was as innocent of thought as a
+cabbage. When sent to play outdoor games with us, and instruct us in
+them, he always reclined on the grass, or sat on a gate, reading the
+_Family Herald_, or a journal in whose title the word 'Society'
+figured; except on those rare occasions when his employer came our way
+for a few moments. Then, cramming his book into his pocket, the poor
+pimply chap would plunge half hysterically into our moody ranks
+(forgetful probably of what we were supposed to be playing) with
+muttered cries of: 'Now then, boys! Put your heart into it!' and the
+like. 'Put your heart into it!' indeed! Poor fellow; he probably was
+paid something less than a farm labourer's wage, and earned
+considerably less than that.
+
+No, any education which I received in boyhood must have come to me
+from my father; and that entirely without any set form of instruction,
+but merely from listening to his talk, and asking him questions. Also,
+the books I read were his property; and I do not recall any trash
+among them. It was the easiest thing in the world to evade the
+'home-work' set me by the usher, and I consistently did so. As a rule, he
+was none the wiser, and when he did detect me, the results rarely went
+beyond perfunctory ear-pulling; a cheap price for free evenings, I
+thought. The usher was frankly sick of us all, and of his employment,
+too; and I do not wonder at it, seeing that he was no more equipped
+for his work than for administering a state. He never had been trained
+to discharge any function in life whatever. How then could he be
+expected to know how to train us?
+
+Withal, I somehow did acquire a little knowledge, and the rudiments of
+some definite tastes and inclinations, during this period. Recently,
+in London, I have once or twice endeavoured to probe the minds of
+County Council schoolboys of a similar age, with a view to comparing
+the sum of their knowledge with my own in those Putney days. And,
+curious though it seems, it does certainly appear to me that the
+comparison was never to the advantage of the modern boy; though I am
+assured he must enjoy the benefits of some kind of thought-out
+educational system. I certainly did not. These things partake of the
+nature of mysteries.
+
+I suppose the successive servant maids who chiefly controlled my early
+childhood must have been more ignorant than any member of their class
+in post-Board School days. Yet it seems beyond question clear to me
+that such beginnings of a mind as I possessed at the age of ten, such
+mental tendencies as I was beginning to show, were at all events more
+hopeful, more rational, better worth having, than those I have been
+able to discern in the twentieth-century London office boy, fresh from
+his palatial County Council School. I may be quite wrong, of course,
+but that is how it appears to me--despite all the uplifting influences
+of halfpenny newspapers, and picture theatres, and the forward march
+of democracy.
+
+Then there is that notable point, the question of speech; the vehicle
+of mental expression and thought transference. Between the ages of one
+year and nine years, society for me was confined almost exclusively to
+servant girls. From their lips it was that I acquired the faculty of
+speech. Yet I am certain that the boy who walked in Richmond Park with
+my father in the 'sixties spoke in his dialect, and not in that of
+Cockney nursemaids. Why was that? If my father ever corrected my
+speech it was upon very rare occasions. I remember them perfectly.
+They were not such corrections as would very materially affect a lad's
+accent or choice of words.
+
+Having read a good deal more than I had conversed, I was mentally
+familiar with certain words which I never had happened to have heard
+pronounced. One instance I recall. (It was toward the end of my
+Academy period.) I had occasion to read aloud some passage to my
+father, and it included the word 'inevitable,' which in my innocence I
+pronounced with the accent on the third syllable. Up went my father's
+eyebrows. 'Inev_it_able,' he mimicked, with playful scorn. And that
+was all. He offered no correction. I recall that I was covered in rosy
+confusion, and, guessing rightly, by some happy chance (or unconscious
+recollection) hit upon the conventional pronunciation, never to forget
+it. But, judged by any scholastic standard I ever heard expounded,
+there is no doubt about it, I was, and for that matter am, a veritable
+ignoramus.
+
+During all the year which followed the beginning of intimacy between
+us, my impression is that my father was increasingly worried and
+depressed. Children have a shrewder consciousness of these things than
+many of their elders suppose; and I was well aware that things were
+not going well with my father. I saw more of him, and missed no
+opportunities of obtaining his companionship. He, for his part, saw a
+good deal less of other people, I fancy, and lost no opportunity of
+avoiding intercourse with his contemporaries. He brooded a great deal;
+and was very fitful in his reading, writing, and correspondence. I
+began to hear upon his lips significant if vague expressions of his
+desire to 'Get away from all this'; to 'Get out of this wretched
+scramble'; to 'Find a way out of it all.'
+
+And then with bewildering suddenness came the first big event of my
+career; the event which, I suppose, was chiefly responsible also for
+its latest episode.
+
+
+IV
+
+
+No doubt one reason why our migration to Australia seemed so
+surprisingly sudden a step to me was that the preliminaries were
+arranged without my knowledge. Apart from this, I believe the step was
+swiftly taken.
+
+My father had no wife or family to consider. I do not think there was
+a single relative left, beside myself, with whom he had maintained
+intercourse of any kind. Our household effects were all sold as they
+stood in the house, to a singularly urbane and gentlemanly old dealer
+in such things, a Mr. Fennel, whose stock phrase: 'Pray don't put
+yourself about on my account, sir, I beg,' seemed to me to form his
+reply to every remark of my father's. And thus, momentous though the
+hegira might be, and was, to us, I suppose it did not call for any
+very serious amount of detailed preparation, once my father had made
+his decision.
+
+Looking back upon it now, in the light of some knowledge of the
+subject, and of old lands and new, it seems to me open to question
+whether, in all the moving story of British oversea adventuring, there
+is an instance of any migration more curious than ours, or of any
+person emigrating who was less suited for the venture than my father.
+In the matter of our baggage and personal effects, now, the one thing
+to which my father devoted serious care was something which probably
+would not figure at all in any official list of articles required for
+an emigrant's kit: his books.
+
+His library consisted of some three thousand volumes, the gleanings of
+a quarter of a century when books were neither so numerous nor so
+cheap as they are to-day. From these he set himself the maddening task
+of selecting one hundred volumes to be taken with us. The rest were to
+be sold. The whole of our preparations are dominated in the retrospect
+for me, by my father's absorption in the task of sifting and re-sifting
+his books. Acting under his instructions, I myself handled
+each one of the three thousand and odd volumes a good many times.
+Eventually, we took six hundred and seventy-three volumes with us, of
+which more than fifty were repurchased, at a notable advance, of
+course, upon the price he paid for them, from the dealer who bought
+the remainder.
+
+This was my first insight into the subtleties of trade, and I noted
+with loyal anger, in my father's interest, how contemptuously the
+dealer belittled our books in buying them, and how eloquently he
+dilated upon their special values in selling back to us those my
+father found he could not spare. In every case these volumes were rare
+and hard to come by, greatly in demand, 'the pick of the basket,' and
+so forth. Well, I suppose that is commerce. At the time it seemed to
+me amply to justify all my father's lofty scorn and hatred for
+everything in any way connected with business.
+
+If only the book-dealer could have adopted Mr. Fennel's praiseworthy
+attitude, I thought: 'Pray don't put yourself about, sir, on my
+account, I beg.' But then, Mr. Fennel, I make no doubt, was heading
+straight for bankruptcy. I have sought his name in vain among Putney's
+modern tradesfolk. Whereas, Mr. Siemens, the gentleman who bought our
+library, apart from his various thriving establishments in London, now
+cherishes his declining years, I believe, in a villa in the Italian
+Riviera, and a manor house in Hampshire. Though young, when I met him
+in Putney, he evidently had the root of the matter in him, from a
+commercial point of view, and was possibly even a little in advance of
+his time in the matter of business ability. He drove a very smart
+horse, I remember, was dressed smartly, and had a smart way of saying
+that business was business. Yes, I dare say Mr. Siemens was more a man
+of his time than my poor father.
+
+It was on the afternoon of May 2, 1870, the day after my tenth
+birthday, that we sailed from Gravesend for Sydney, in the full-rigged
+clipper ship _Ariadne_, of London, with one hundred and forty-seven
+other emigrants and eighteen first-class passengers. It was, I
+suppose, a part of my father's enthusiastically desperate state of
+mind at this time that we were booked as steerage passengers. We were
+to lay aside finally all the effete uses of sophisticated life. We
+were emigrants, bent upon carving a home for ourselves out of the
+virgin wilderness. Naturally, we were to travel in the steerage. And,
+indeed, I have good reason to suppose that my father's supply of money
+must have been pretty low at the time. But we occupied a first-class
+railway carriage on the journey down to Gravesend; and I know our
+porter received a bright half-crown for his services to us, for my
+father's hands were occupied, and the coin was passed to me for
+bestowal.
+
+Long before the tug left us, we sat down to our first meal on board;
+perhaps a hundred of us together. A weary poor woman with two babies
+was on my left, and a partly intoxicated man of the coal-heaving sort
+(very likely a Cabinet Minister in Australia to-day) on my father's
+right. This simple soul made the mistake of endeavouring to establish
+an affectionate friendship with my father, who was sufficiently
+resentful of the man's mere proximity, and received his would-be
+genial advances with the most freezing politeness. But the event which
+precipitated a crisis was the coal-heaver's removal of his knife from
+his mouth--the dexterity with which his kind can manipulate these
+lethal weapons, even when partly intoxicated, is little less than
+miraculous--after the safe discharge there of some succulent morsel
+from his plate, to plunge it direct into the contents of the
+butter-dish before my father.
+
+Black wrath descended upon my father's face as he rose from the table,
+and drew me up beside him. 'Insufferable!' he muttered, as we left
+that curious place for the first and last time. I see it now with its
+long, narrow, uncovered tables, stretching between clammy iron
+stanchions, and supported by iron legs fitting into sockets in the
+deck. It was lighted by hanging lanterns which threw queer, moving
+shadows in all directions, and stank consumedly.
+
+'Are we hogs that we should be given our swill in such a sty?' asked
+my father, explosively, of some subordinate member of the crew whom we
+met as we reached the open deck.
+
+'I dunno, matey,' replied this innocent. 'Feelin' sickish, are ye?
+You've started too soon.'
+
+'Yes, I'm feeling pretty sick,' said my father, as the glimmer of the
+humorous side of it all touched his mind. 'Look here, my man,' he
+continued, 'here's half a crown for you. I want to see the purser of
+this ship. Just show me where I can find him, like a good fellow, will
+you?'
+
+We found the purser in that condition of harassment which appears to
+belong, like its uniform, to his post, when a ship is clearing the
+land. He was inclined at first to adopt a pretty short way with us. He
+really didn't know what emigrants wanted these days. Did they think a
+ship's steerage was a _ho_-tel? And so forth.
+
+But my father was on his mettle now, and handled his man with
+considerable skill and suavity. There was no second-class
+accommodation on the ship. But in the end we were taken into the
+first-class ranks, at a substantial reduction from the full first-class
+fares, on the understanding that we contented ourselves with a
+somewhat gloomy little single-berth cabin which no one else wanted.
+Here a makeshift bed was presently arranged for me, and within the
+hour we emigrants from the steerage had become first-class passengers.
+The translation brought such obvious and real relief to my father that
+my own spirits rose instantly; I began to take great interest in our
+surroundings, and, from that moment, entirely forgot those prophetic
+internal twinges, those stomachic forebodings which, in the 'other
+place,' as politicians say, had begun to turn my thoughts toward the
+harrowing tales I had heard of sea-sickness.
+
+My father, poor man, was not so fortunate. He began before long to pay
+a heavy price in bodily affliction for all the stress and excitement
+of the past few days. For a full fortnight the most virulent type of
+sea-sickness had him in its horrid grip. I have since seen many other
+folk in evil case from similar causes, but none so vitally affected by
+the complaint as my father was, and never one who bore it with more
+patient courtesy than he did. Not in the cruellest paroxysm did he
+lose either his self-respect, or his consideration for me, and for
+others. The mere mention of this fell complaint excites mirth in the
+minds of the majority; but rarely can a man or woman be found whose
+self-control is proof against its attacks; and I take pleasure in
+remembering my father's admirable demeanour throughout his ordeal. In
+the steerage he had hardly survived it, I think. Here, with decent
+privacy, no single complaint passed his lips; and there was not a day,
+hardly an hour, I believe, in which he ceased to take thought for his
+small son's comfort and wellbeing. His courtesy was no skin-deep pose
+with my father. No doubt we are all much cleverer and more enlightened
+nowadays, but--however, that is one of the lines of thought which it
+is quite unnecessary for me to pursue here.
+
+I was quite absurdly proud of my father, I remember, when, at length,
+he made his first appearance on the poop, leaning on my shoulder, his
+own shoulders covered by the soft rug we called the 'Hobson rug,'
+because, years before, a friend of that name had bequeathed it to us,
+after a visit to the house near Russell Square. In all the time that
+came afterwards, I am not sure that my father's constitution ever
+fully regained the tone it lost during our first fortnight aboard the
+_Ariadne_. But, if his health had suffered a set-back, his manner had
+not; that distinction of bearing in him which always impressed me, in
+which I took such pride, seemed to me now more than ever marked.
+
+Child though I was, I am assured that this characteristic of my
+father's had a very real existence, and was not at all the creation of
+my boyish fancy. From my very earliest days I had heard it commented
+upon by landladies and servants, and, too, in remarks casually
+overheard from neighbours and strangers. Now, among our fellow-passengers
+on board the _Ariadne_, I heard many similar comments.
+
+Looking back from this distance I find it somewhat puzzling that in my
+father's personality there should have been combined so much of real
+charm, dignity, and distinction, with so marked a distaste for the
+society of his fellows. Here was a man who seemed able always to
+inspire interest and admiration when he did go among his equals (or
+those not his equals, for that matter), who yet preferred wherever
+possible to avoid every form of social intercourse. By nature he
+seemed peculiarly fitted to make his mark in society; by inclination
+and habit, more especially in later life, it would seem he shunned
+society as the plague itself. Withal, there was not the faintest
+suggestion of moroseness about him, and when circumstances did lead
+him into converse with others he always conveyed an impression of
+pleased interest. This product of his exceptional courtesy and
+considerateness must have puzzled many people, taken in conjunction
+with his invariable avoidance of intercourse wherever that could be
+managed with politeness. Far more than any monetary or more practical
+consideration, it was, I am certain, this desire of my father's to get
+away from people which had led to our migration.
+
+'People interrupt one so horribly,' was a remark he frequently made to
+me.
+
+
+V
+
+
+Folk whose experience of sea travel is confined to the passengers'
+quarters on board modern steamships of high tonnage can have but a
+shadowy conception of what a three months' passage round the Cape
+means, when it is made in a 1200 ton sailing vessel. I can pretend to
+no technical knowledge of ships and seafaring; but it is always with
+something of condescension in my mental attitude that I set foot on
+board a steamship, or hear praise of one of the palatial modern
+'smoke-stacks.' It was thus I remember that the _Ariadne's_ seamen
+spoke of steamships.
+
+I suppose room could almost be found for the _Ariadne_ in the saloons
+of some of the twentieth-century Atlantic greyhounds. But I will wager
+that the whole fleet of them could not show a tithe of her grace and
+spirited beauty in a sea-way. And, be it noted, they would not be so
+extravagantly far ahead of the _Ariadne_ even in point of speed, say,
+between the Cape and Australia, when, in running her easting down with
+a living gale on her quarter, she spurned the foam from her streaming
+sides to the tune of a steady fourteen to fifteen knots in an hour;
+'snoring along,' as seamen say, with all her cordage taut as
+harp-strings, and her clouds of canvas soaring heavenward tier on tier,
+strained to the extreme limit of the fabric's endurance.
+
+From talk with my father, I knew the _Ariadne_ of mythology, and so
+the sight of the patent log-line trailing in the creamy turmoil of our
+wake used always to suggest imaginings to me, as I leaned gazing over
+our poop rail, of a modern Theseus being rescued by this line of ours
+from the labyrinthine caverns of some submarine Minotaur.
+
+Aye, she was a brave ship, and these were brave days of continuously
+stirring interest to the lad fresh from Putney and its Academy for the
+Sons of Gentlemen; or, as I should probably say, from one of its
+academies. I do not recall that life itself, the great spectacle, had
+at this period any interest for me, as such. My musings had not
+carried me so far. But the things and people about me, the play of the
+elements, and the unceasing and ever-varying activities of the ship's
+working, appealed to me as his love to a lover, filling my every hour
+with waiting claims, each to my ardour more instant and peremptory
+than its fellow.
+
+Rhapsodies have been penned about the simple candour of children, the
+unmeasured frankness of boys. These qualities were not, I think,
+conspicuous in me. At least, I recall a considerable amount of
+play-acting in my life on board the _Ariadne_, and, I think, in even
+earlier phases. As a boy, it seems to me, I had a very keen appetite
+for affection. I was somewhat emotional and sentimental, and always
+interested in producing an impression upon the minds of those about
+me. Without reaching the point of seeing life as a spectacle, I
+believe my own small personality presented a spectacle of which I was
+pretty generally and interestedly conscious. There was a good deal of
+drama for me, in my own insignificant progress. I often watched
+myself, and strove to gauge the impression I produced on others, and
+to mould and shape this to my fancy. There may possibly be something
+unpleasant, even unnatural about this, in so young a boy. I do not
+know, but I am sure it is true; and so it is rightly set down here.
+
+There was a Mrs. Armstrong among our passengers, who was accompanied
+by two daughters; a bonny, romping girl of sixteen, in whom I felt
+little or no interest, and a serious young woman of two or
+three-and-twenty, with whom I fell in love in an absurdly solemn fashion.
+Miss Armstrong had a great deal of shining fair hair, a good figure, and
+pleasing dark blue eyes. That is as far as memory carries me regarding
+her appearance. She rather took me up, as she might have taken up
+crewel work, whatever that may be, or district visiting, or what not.
+No doubt she was among the majority in whom my father inspired
+interest. She talked to me in an exemplary way, and held up before me,
+as I remember it, a sort of blend of little Lord Fauntleroy and the
+dreadful child in _East Lynne_, as an ideal to strive after.
+
+She assuredly meant most kindly by me, but the influence was not,
+perhaps, very wholesome; or, it may be, I twisted and perverted it to
+ill uses. At least, I remember devious ways in which I sought to earn
+her admiration, and other yet more devious ways in which I schemed to
+win petting from her. I actually used to invent small offences and
+weave circumstantial romances about pretended wrong-doings, in order
+to have the pleasure of confessing, with mock shame, and getting
+absolution, along with caresses and sentimental promises of help to do
+better in future. In retrospect it seems I was a somewhat horrid
+little chap in this. I certainly adored Miss Armstrong; though in an
+entirely different way from the manner of my subsequent passion for
+little black-haired Nelly Fane. The Fane family consisted of the
+father, mother, one boy, and two girls: Nelly, and her sister Marion,
+both charming children, the first very dark, the other fair. Nelly was
+a year older than I, Marion two years younger. The boy, Tom, was
+within a month or two of my own age.
+
+It might be that I was wearying a little of the solemn sentimentality
+of my attachment to Miss Armstrong; possibly the pose I thought
+needful for holding this young lady's regard withal proved exhausting
+after a time. At all events, I remember neglecting her shamefully in
+equatorial latitudes, when the _Ariadne_ was creeping along her zig-zag
+course through the Doldrums. For me this period, fascinating in
+scores of other ways, belongs to Nelly Fane, with her long black
+curls, biscuit-coloured legs and arms, and large, melting dark eyes.
+At the time the thought of being separated from this imperious little
+beauty meant for me an abomination of desolation too dreadful to be
+contemplated. But, looking back upon the circumstances of my suit, I
+think it likely my heart had never been captivated but for jealousy,
+and my trick of seeing myself as the first figure in an illustrated
+romance.
+
+There was another boy on board--I remember only his Christian name:
+Fred--who, in addition to being a year older than myself, had the huge
+advantage of being an experienced traveller. He was an Australian, and
+had been on a visit with his parents to the Mother-country. At a quite
+early stage in our passage, he won my cordial dislike by means of his
+old traveller's airs, and--far more unforgiveable--the fact that he
+had the temerity to refer to my father, in my hearing, as 'The old
+chap who can't get his sea-legs.' I fear I never should have forgiven
+him for that.
+
+In addition, as we youngsters played together about the decks, this
+Fred used to arrogate to himself always the position of leader and
+director. He knew the proper names of many things of which the rest of
+us were ignorant, and, where his knowledge did not carry him, I was
+assured his conceit and hardihood did. To such ears as Nelly Fane's,
+for instance, 'Jib-boom,' 'Fore topmast-staysail,' must have an
+admirably knowledgeable note about them, I thought, even if ever so
+wrongly used. My first attack upon Fred consisted in convicting him of
+some such swaggering misuse of a nautical term to the which, as luck
+had it, I had given careful study on the fo'c'sle-head during the
+previous evening's second dog-watch, when my friends among the crew
+were taking their leisure. He bore no malice, I think; in any case,
+his self-esteem was a very hardy growth, and little liable to suffer
+from any minor check.
+
+We never came to blows, the Australian and myself, which was probably
+as well for me, since I make no doubt the lad could have trounced me
+soundly, for he was disgustingly wiry and long of limb. That was how I
+saw his physical advantages. But, apart from this matter of physical
+superiority, he was no match for me. In the subtler qualities of
+intrigue I was his master; and he, never probably having observed
+himself as a hero of romance, had to yield to my proficiency in the
+art of producing a desired impression. It was in his capacity as an
+old campaigner, a knowing dog, and a seasoned salt, that he had
+carried Nelly Fane's heart by storm, and established himself an easy
+first in her regard. And seeing this it was, I believe, which first
+weakened my devotion to the fair Miss Armstrong, by turning my
+attention to Nelly Fane.
+
+I did not really deserve to win Nelly, my suit at first being based
+upon foundations so unworthy. But the pursuit of her stirred me
+deeply; and in the end--say, in a couple of days--I was her very
+humble and devoted slave. She really was an attractive child, I fancy,
+in her wilful, imperious way. And, Cupid, how I did adore her by the
+time I had driven Master Fred from the field! Even my father suffered
+a temporary eclipse in my regard during the first white-hot fervour of
+my devotion to Nelly. I lied for her, in word and deed; I stole for
+her--from the cabin pantry--and I am sure I risked life and limb for
+her a dozen times, in my furious emulation of any achievement of
+Fred's, in my instant adoption of any suggestion of Nelly's, however
+mischievous. And how many of us could truthfully say as much of their
+enthusiasm in any mature love affair? How many grown men would
+deliberately risk life to win the passing approval of a mistress?
+
+For example, I recall two typical episodes. Neither had been
+remarkable, perhaps, for a boy devoid of fear or imagination; but I
+was one shrewdly influenced by both qualities. There was a roomy cabin
+under the _Ariadne's_ starboard counter, which served the Fane family
+as a sort of sitting-room or day nursery. It had two circular port-holes,
+brass-rimmed, of fairly generous proportions. Under the spur of
+verbal taunts from Fred, and passive challenges from Nelly's dark
+eyes, I positively succeeded in wriggling my entire body out through
+one of those port-holes, feet first, until I hung by my hands outside,
+my feet almost touching the water-line. And then it seemed I could not
+win my way back.
+
+Nelly, moved to tears of real grief now, was for seeking the aid of
+grown-ups. I wasted precious breath in adjuring her as she loved me to
+keep silence. For my part death seemed imminent and certain. But I
+pictured Fred's grinning commiseration should our elders rescue me,
+and--I held on. By slow degrees I got one arm and shoulder back into
+the cabin, pausing there to rest. From that moment I was safe; but I
+was too cunning to let the fact appear. My reward began then, and most
+voluptuously I savoured it. I had Mistress Nelly on her biscuit-coloured
+knees to me before I finally reached the cabin floor on my
+hands, my toes still clinging to the port-hole. Poor Fred could not
+possibly equal this feat. His girth would not have permitted it.
+
+Again, there was the blazing tropical afternoon, in dead calm, when I
+established a new record by touching the ship's prow under water. It
+was siesta time for passengers. The watch on deck was assembled right
+aft, scraping bright-work. Pitch was bubbling in the deck seams, and
+every one was drowsy, excepting Nelly, Marion, Tom, Fred, and myself.
+We were plotting mischief in the shadow of the _Ariadne's_ anchors,
+right in the eyes of the ship. I forget the immediate cause of this
+piece of foolhardiness, but I remember Fred's hated fluency about
+'dolphin-strikers,' 'martingales,' and what not; and, finally, my own
+assertion that I would touch the ship's forefoot, where we saw it
+gleaming below the glassy surface of the water, and Fred's mocking
+reply that I jolly well dared do no such a thing. Nelly's provocative
+eyes were in the background, of course.
+
+Three several times I tried and failed, swinging perilously at a
+rope's end below the dolphin-striker. And then the _Ariadne_, with one
+of those unaccountable movements which a ship will make at times in
+the flattest of calms, brought me victory, and the narrowest escape
+from extinction in one and the same moment. I swung lower than before,
+and the ship ducked suddenly. I not only touched her bows below the
+water-line, but had all the breath knocked out of me by them, and was
+soused under water myself, as thoroughly as a Brighton bathing woman
+could have done the trick for me. To this day I remember the
+breathless, straining agony of the ascent, when my clothes and myself
+seemed heavier than lead, and the ship's deck miles above me. My
+clothes--a jersey and flannel knickerbockers--dried quickly in the
+scorching sun, and no grown-up ever knew of the escapade, I think.
+But, the peril of it, in a shark-infested sea!
+
+No doubt these feats helped me to the subjugation of Nelly. Yet, after
+all, in sheer physical prowess, I could not really rival Fred, who
+stood a full head taller than I did. But I had a deal more of finesse
+than he had, made very much better use of my opportunities, and was a
+far more practised poseur. Fred was well supplied with self-esteem--a
+most valuable qualification in love-making--but he lacked the
+introspectively seeing eye. He might compel admiration, in his rude
+fashion. He could never force a tear or steal a sigh.
+
+Fred--Fred without a surname, I wonder what has been your lot in life,
+and where you air your prosperity to-day! For, prosperous I feel
+certain you are. And, who knows? Nelly may be Mrs. Fred to-day, for
+aught I can tell. When all is said and done, you all of you had more
+in common, one with another, and each with all, than I had with any of
+you!
+
+And that reminds me of a trifle overlooked. During all my association
+with these my contemporaries on board the _Ariadne_, but with special
+keenness in the beginning, I was conscious of something outside my own
+experience, which they all shared. At that time it was to me just a
+something which they had and I had not; a quality I could not define.
+Looking back upon it I see clearly that the thing was in part
+fundamental, a flaw in my temperament; and, in part, the family sense.
+They all knew what 'home' meant, in a way in which I knew it not at
+all. They were more carelessly genial and less serious and preoccupied
+than I was. They all had mothers, too. I do not wish to say that they
+were necessarily much better off than I. They had certain qualities
+which I lacked, the product of experiences I had never enjoyed. And I
+had various qualities which they had not. On the whole, perhaps, I
+was more mature than they were; and they, perhaps, were more happy
+and care-free--certainly less self-conscious--than I was. There was a
+kind of Freemasonry of shared experience among them, and I had never
+been initiated. They were established members of a recognised order,
+to which I did not belong. They were members of families of a certain
+defined status. I was an isolated small boy, with a father, and no
+particular status.
+
+
+
+
+BOYHOOD--AUSTRALIA
+
+
+I
+
+
+It has often occurred to me to wonder why my recollections of our
+arrival and first days in Sydney should be so blurred and
+unsatisfactorily vague. One would have thought such episodes should
+stand out very clearly in retrospect. As a fact, they are far less
+clear to me than many an incident of my earlier childhood.
+
+What I do clearly recall is lying awake in my makeshift bunk for some
+time before daylight on the morning we reached Sydney, and, finally,
+just before the sun rose, going on deck and sitting on the teak-wood
+grating beside the wheel. There, on our port side, was the coast of
+Australia, the land toward which we had been working through gale and
+calm, storm and sunshine, for more than ninety days. Botany Bay, said
+the chart. I thought of the grim record I had read of early settlement
+here. And then came the pilot's cutter, sweeping like a sea-bird under
+our lee. The early sunshine was bright and gladsome enough; but my
+recollection is that I felt somehow chilled, and half frightened. That
+sandy shore conveyed no kindly sense of welcome to me.
+
+The harbour--oh, yes, the harbour was, and is, beautiful, and I can
+remember thrilling with natural excitement as we opened up cove after
+cove, while the _Ariadne_--stately as ever, but curiously quiescent
+now, with her trimly furled and lifeless sails--was towed slowly to
+her anchorage. The different bays--Watson's, Mossman's, Neutral, and
+the rest--had not so many villas then as now. Manly was there, in
+little; but surf-bathing, like some other less healthful 'notions'
+from America, was still to come. From the North Shore landing-stage
+one strolled up the hill, and, very speedily, into the bush.
+
+Yes, the place was naturally beautiful enough; but the _Ariadne_ was
+home; her every deck plank was familiar to me; I knew each cleat about
+her fife-rails, every belaying-pin along her sides, every friendly
+projection from her deck that had a sheltering lee. The shining
+brass-bound, teak-wood buckets ranged along the break of her poop--the
+crew's lime-juice was served in one of these, and they all were
+painted white inside--I see them now. _Ay di mi!_ as the Spanish
+ladies say; I am not so sure that any place was ever more distinctly
+home to me. Over the rail, across the dancing waters of the harbour,
+where the buildings clustered about Circular Quay; as yet, of course,
+there could be nothing homely for me about all that. And, as to me, it
+never did become very homely; perhaps that is why my recollections of
+our first doings there are so vague.
+
+How often, in later years, my heart swelled with vague aspiring
+yearnings toward what lay beyond, while my eyes ranged over that same
+smiling scene, from the Domain, Lady Macquarie's Chair, and the
+purlieus of Circular Quay! (There were no trams there then.) Here one
+saw the ships that carried folk to and from--what? To and from Home,
+was always my thought; though what home I fancied that distant island
+in her grey northern sea had for me, heaven knows! Here one rubbed
+shoulders, perchance, with some ruddy-faced, careless fellow in dark
+blue clothes, who, but a short couple of months ago, walked London's
+streets, and would be there again in the incredibly brief space of six
+weeks or so. Dyspepsia itself knows no more fell and spirit-racking
+anguish than nostalgia brings; and at times I have fancied the very
+air--bland, warm, and kindly seeming--that circulates about the famous
+quay must be pervaded and possessed by germs of this curious and
+deadly malady. At least, that soft air is breathed each day by many a
+victim to the disease; old and young, and of both sexes.
+
+No doubt we must have spent some days in Sydney, my father and myself;
+but from the _Ariadne_, and the parting with Nelly Fane and my other
+companions, memory carries me direct to the deck of a little
+intercolonial steamer, bound north from Sydney, for Brisbane and other
+Queensland ports. I see myself in jersey and flannel knickers sitting
+beside my father on the edge of a deck skylight, and gazing out across
+dazzlingly sunlit waters to the near-by northern coast of New South
+Wales. Suddenly, my father laid aside the book which had been resting
+on his knee, and raised to his eyes the binoculars he used at sea.
+
+'How extraordinary,' he murmured. And, my gaze naturally following
+his, I made out clearly enough, without glasses, a vessel lying high
+and dry on the white sand of a fair-sized bay.
+
+My father's keen interest in that derelict ship always seemed to me to
+spring into being, as it were, full-grown. There was in it no period
+of gradual development. From the moment his eyes first lighted upon
+the tapered spars of the _Livorno_, where she lay basking in her sandy
+bed, his interest in her was absorbing. Everything else was forgotten.
+In a few minutes he was in eager conversation about the derelict with
+the chief officer of our steamer. I remember the exact words and
+intonation of the man's answer to my father's first question:
+
+'Well, I couldn't say for that, Mr. Freydon' (In Australia no one ever
+forgets your name, or omits to use it in addressing you), 'but I can
+tell you the day I first saw her. She was lying there exactly as she
+is to-day. I was third mate of the _Toowoomba_ then; my first trip in
+her, and that was seven years ago come Queen's Birthday. Seen her
+every trip since--just the same. No, she never seems to alter any.
+She's high and dry, you see; bedded there on an even keel, same's if
+she was afloat. Yes, it is a wonder, as you say, Mr. Freydon; but it's
+a lonely place, you see; nothing nearer than--what is it? Werrina, I
+think they call it; fifteen mile away; and that's a day's march from
+anywhere, too. Oh yes, there might be an odd sundowner camp aboard of
+her once in a month o' Sundays; but I doubt it. She isn't in the track
+to anywhere, as ye might say. No, I guess it would only be bandicoots,
+an' the like o' that you'd find about her; an' birds, maybe. Only
+thing I wonder about her is, how she landed there without ever losing
+her top-hamper, and why nobody's thought it worth while to pick her
+bones a bit cleaner. Must be good stuff in her stays an' that, to have
+stood so long, with never a touch o' the tar-brush.'
+
+There was more in the same vein, but this much comes back to me as
+though it were yesterday that I heard the words. I see the mate's hard
+blue eye, and crisply curling beard; I see the upward tilt of the same
+beard as he spat over the rail, and my father's little retreating
+movement at his gesture. (My father never lost his sensitiveness about
+such things, though I doubt if he ever allowed it to appear to eyes
+less familiar with his every movement than my own.) It seems to me
+that my father talked of the derelict--we did not know her name then,
+and spoke of her simply as 'the ship'--for the rest of the day, and
+for days afterwards; and the key to his thoughts was given in one of
+his earliest remarks:
+
+'What a home a man might make of that ship--all ready to his hand for
+the asking! The sea, trees--there were plenty of trees--sunshine,
+solitude, and space. Think of the peacefulness of that sun-washed bay.
+Nothing nearer than fifteen miles away, and that a mere hamlet,
+probably. Werrina--not a bad name, Nick--Werrina. Aboriginal origin, I
+imagine. And all that for the mere taking; open to the poorest--even
+to us. You liked the _Ariadne_, Nick. What would you think of a ship
+of our own?'
+
+Assuredly, we were the strangest pair of emigrants....
+
+
+II
+
+
+Naturally, my father's suggestion, thrown out as it were in jest,
+whimsically, fired my fancy instantly. 'How glorious!' I said. 'But
+can we, really, father?'
+
+It was less than a week later that we walked out of Werrina's one
+street into the bush to the westward of that township, accompanied by
+Ted Reilly and a heavily-laden pack-horse--Jerry. Ted was one of
+Werrina's oddities, and, in many respects, our salvation. The Werrina
+storekeeper shook his grizzled head over Ted, and vowed there wasn't
+an honest day's work in the man.
+
+'What's the matter with Ted is he's got no Systum; never had since he
+was a babby.' (My thoughts reverted at once to a highly coloured
+anatomical diagram which hung in the cabin of the _Ariadne's_ captain:
+the flayed figure of a man whose face wore the incredibly complacent
+look one sees on the waxen features of tailors' dummies, though the
+poor fellow's heart, liver, kidneys, and other internal paraphernalia
+were shamelessly exposed to the public gaze. The storekeeper's
+tone convinced me for the time that poor Ted had been born lacking
+some one or other of the important-looking purple organs which the
+diagram had shown me as belonging to the human system.) 'He's a
+here-to-day-and-gone-to-morrow, come-day-go-day-God-send-Sunday sort of a
+customer, is Ted--my oath! Wanter Systum. That's what I'm always telling
+'em in this place. It's wanter Systum that's the curse uv Australia; an'
+Ted's got it worsen most. Don't I know it? I gave him a chanst here in
+my store. Might ha' made a Persition frimself. But, no; no Systum at
+all. He was off in a fortnight, trappin' dingoes in the bush, or some
+such nonsense. He's for no more use than--than a bumble bee, isn't Ted
+Reilly; nor never will be.'
+
+Well, he was of a good deal of practical use to us, the storekeeper
+notwithstanding; but I admit that there was a notable absence of
+'Systum' about the man. He was singularly unmethodical and haphazard,
+even as his kind go in the remoter parts of Australia. He made our
+acquaintance very casually by asking my father for a match, almost
+before we had descended from the coach outside the Royal Hotel,
+Werrina. (There was nothing royal, or even comfortable, about this
+weatherboard and iron inn, except its name.) And, oddly enough, my
+father fell into conversation with him, and seemed rather to take to
+the man forthwith.
+
+I know it was by his advice, as kindly meant, I am sure, as it was
+shrewd, that my father said nothing to any one else in the township of
+his fantastic ideas regarding what we now knew to be the derelict
+Italian barque, _Livorno_, of Genoa. It was given out that we were
+going camping, between Werrina and the coast; and, no doubt my father
+was credited by the local wiseacres with the possession of some crafty
+prospecting scheme or another. Most of the folk thereabouts had been
+always wont to look to the bush (chiefly for timber) as a source of
+livelihood, but their attention was usually turned inland rather than
+seaward; for the bulk of the country between Werrina and the sea is
+poor and swampy, or sandy. The belt of timber we had seen behind our
+derelict's bay was not extensive.
+
+It was Ted who bought Jerry for us for the modest price of L3, 15s.;
+and I make no doubt that serviceable beast would have cost my father
+L7 if he had had 'the haggling of it.' Pack-saddle and tent, with a
+number of other oddments, had come with us from across the Queensland
+border; first, by rail, and thence by numerous devious coach routes to
+Werrina. The only thing about our expedition which I think Ted really
+mistrusted and disliked was the fact that we set forth on foot. He
+told my father of horses he could buy, if not for three a penny,
+certainly at the rate of two for a five-pound note. (Animals no
+better, or very little better, are selling for L20 apiece in the same
+country to-day.) But my father spoke of the cost of saddlery and the
+like. He had been brought up in a land where horse-keeping means
+considerable expense, and the need for husbanding his slender
+resources was strongly foremost in his mind just now. But Ted had all
+his life long thought of horses as a natural and necessary adjunct to
+man's locomotion. I have seen him devote considerable time and energy
+to the task of catching Jerry in order to ride across a couple of
+hundred yards of sand to his favourite wood-cutting spot. To be poor,
+that is, short of money, was a natural and customary thing enough in
+Ted's eyes; but to go ajourneying as a footman suggested a truly
+pitiable kind of destitution, and did, I am convinced, throw a shadow
+over what otherwise had been the outset of a jaunt entirely after his
+own heart.
+
+As the morning wore on, however, and we left behind us all likelihood
+of chance encounters with more fortunately placed and therefore
+critical people, bestriding pigskin, Ted's spirits rose again to their
+normal easy altitude, and mounted beyond that to the level of boyish
+jollity. Myself, I incline to think that walking along a bush track,
+with a long stick in his hand and a pack-horse to drive before him,
+was really an ideal situation for Ted, despite his preference for
+riding. Afoot, he could so readily step aside to start a 'goanner' up
+a tree, or pluck an out-of-the-way growth to show me.
+
+There never was such a fellow for 'noticing' things, as they say of
+children. Print he never read, so far as I know, and perhaps this
+helped to make him so amazingly keen a reader of Nature. Not the
+littlest comma on that page ever eluded him.
+
+'Hullo!' he would say when Werrina was miles away behind us. 'Who'd've
+thought o' that baldy-faced steer o' Murdoch's bein' out here?' One
+gazed about to locate the beast. But, no. No living thing was in
+sight. In passing, quite casually, Ted's roving eye had spied a hoof
+mark, perhaps a day old or more, in the soft bottom of a tiny
+billabong; a print I could hardly make out, leave alone identify as
+having been made by this beast or the other, even under the guidance
+of Ted's pointing finger. Yet for Ted that casual glance--no stooping,
+no close scrutiny--supplied an accurate and complete picture: the
+particular beast, its gait, occupation, and way of heading, and the
+period at which it had passed that way. Withal, it was true enough, as
+the storekeeper said, poor Ted had no 'Systum'; or none, at all
+events, of the kind cultivated in shops and offices.
+
+
+III
+
+
+However much at fault I may be in recollection of our arrival at
+Sydney, my memories of our first night at Livorno Bay (so my father
+christened the derelict's resting-place) could hardly be more vivid
+and distinct. That night marks for me the beginning of a definite
+epoch in my life.
+
+I passed the spot in a large inter-state steamer last year. There was
+no sign of any ship there then, so far, at all events, as I could make
+out with a borrowed pair of glasses; and the place looked very much
+the same as any other part of the Australian coast. There are
+thousands of such indentations around the shores of the island
+continent, with low headlands of jagged rock by way of horns, and
+terraces of shell-strewn sand dotted over with ti-tree scrub, which
+merges into a low-lying bush of swamp oak and suchlike growths, among
+which, as like as not, you shall find, as we found, a more or less
+extensive salt-water lagoon, over the sandy bar of which big, tossing
+breakers will roll in from the Pacific in stormy weather. Yes, I would
+say now that there is nothing very peculiar or distinctive about
+Livorno Bay for the observer who is familiar with other parts of
+Australia's coast.
+
+But in my youthful eyes, seen on the evening of our arrival, after a
+fifteen miles' walk, and, seen, too, in the glow of a singularly
+angry-looking evening sky, Livorno Bay, with its derelict barque to
+focus one's gaze, presented a spectacle almost terrifying in its
+desolation. Years must have passed since anything edible could have
+been found on board the _Livorno_. Yet I hardly think I should
+exaggerate if I said that two thousand birds rose circling from
+various points of vantage about the derelict as we approached her
+sides. That this winged and highly vocal congregation resented our
+intrusion was not to be doubted for a moment. Short of actually
+attacking us with beak and claw, the creatures could hardly have given
+more practical expression to their sentiments. The circumstance was
+trivial, of course, but I think it somewhat dashed my father's ardour,
+and I know it struck into my very vitals.
+
+'Begone, you interlopers, or we will rend you! This is no place for
+humans. Here is only death and desolation for the likes of you. This
+place belongs of immemorial right to us, and to our masters, the
+devouring elements. Begone!'
+
+So it seemed we were screamed at from thousands of hoarse throats.
+
+For my part I was well pleased when my father agreed to Ted's
+suggestion that we should postpone till morning our inspection of the
+ship, and, in the meantime, concentrate upon the more immediate
+necessity of pitching camp for the night in the shelter of the timber
+belt and outside the domain of the screaming sea-birds. Our tent was
+fortunately not one of the cumbersome sort I had seen on Wimbledon
+Common at home, but a light Australian contrivance of cotton,
+enclosing a space ten feet by eight, and protected by a good large
+fly. Thanks mainly to Ted and his axe we had the necessary stakes cut,
+and the tent pitched before dark. Meanwhile, the little fire Ted had
+lighted against a blackened tree-stump had grown into the sort of
+fiery furnace that was associated in my mind with certain passages in
+the Old Testament; and, suspended by a piece of fencing wire from a
+cross stake on two forked sticks, our billy was boiling vigorously.
+
+In all such bush-craft as this Ted was _facile princeps_, and he asked
+no better employment. Jerry was turned out to graze, belled and
+hobbled (for safety in a strange place), and just as actual darkness
+closed in upon us--no moon was visible that night--we sat down at the
+mouth of the tent to sup upon corned beef, bread and cheese and jam;
+the latter in small tins with highly coloured paper wrappers.
+
+By this time my sense of chill and depression had pretty well
+evaporated. The details of our domesticity were most attractive to me.
+But I am not sure that my father quite regained his spirits that
+evening. We each had a canvas camp-stretcher of the collapsible sort.
+In ten minutes Ted had made himself a hammock bed of two sacks, two
+saplings, and four forked stakes, which for comfort was quite equal to
+any camp cot I have yet seen. Sleep came quickly to me, at all events,
+and whenever I woke during the night, as I did some three or four
+times, there was booming in my ears that rude music which remained the
+constant accompaniment of all our lives and doings in Livorno Bay: the
+dull roar of Pacific breakers on the sand below us, varied by a long
+sibilant intaking of breath, as it seemed, caused by the back-wash of
+every wave's subsidence.
+
+Very gently, to avoid disturbing my father--I can see his face on the
+flimsy cot pillow now, looking sadly fragile and worn--I crept out
+from our tent in time to see the upper edge of the sun's disc (like a
+golden dagger of the Moorish shape) flash out its assurance across the
+sea, and gild with sudden bravery the trucks and spars and frayed
+rigging of the barque _Livorno_. Life has no other reassurance to
+offer which is quite so emphatic as that of the new risen sun; and it
+is youth, rather than culture, which yields the finest appreciation of
+this. In its glad light I ran and laughed, half naked, where a few
+hours earlier, in the murk of coming night, the sense of my own
+helpless insignificance in all that solitude had descended upon me in
+the shape of physical fear. Sea and sand laughed with me now, where
+before they had smitten me with lonely foreboding, almost with terror.
+I had my first bathe from a Pacific beach that morning; and, given
+just a shade more of venturesomeness in the outsetting, it had been
+like to be my last. In Livorno Bay the breakers were big, and the
+back-wash of their surf very insistent.
+
+The fire of his enthusiasm was once more alight in my father when I
+got back to our camp that morning; and one might have supposed it
+nourished him, if one had judged from the cursory manner in which his
+share of our simple breakfast was dispatched. Then, carrying with him
+a tomahawk, I remember, he led us down across the sand to where the
+ship lay, so deeply bedded that one stepped over her rail as it might
+have been the coaming of a hatch. Her deck, and indeed every uncovered
+part of the _Livorno_, was encrusted in the droppings of multitudinous
+sea-fowl. For almost as many years as I had lived, probably, these
+creatures had made a home of the derelict. To be sure, they had as
+good a right to it as we had; yet I remember how keenly we resented
+their claims, in the broad light of day; even as they, on the previous
+evening, had resented us. Ted promised them a warm time of it, and
+congratulated himself on having brought his old gun.
+
+'I'll show 'em whose ship it is,' he said, 'to-night.' And the boy in
+me rose in sympathetic response. I suppose I looked forward to the
+prospect of those birds being given a taste of the fear they had
+helped to inspire in me.
+
+The _Livorno_ had a long, low poop, no more than three feet high, and
+extending forward to the mainmast. She had none of the _Ariadne's_
+bright-work, as the polished teak was always called on that ship. Her
+rails and deck-houses had been painted in green and white, and I made
+out the remains of stencilled ornamentation in the corners of panels.
+No doubt my father had his preconceptions regarding the derelict of
+which he had thought so much in the past week. In any case he did not
+linger by the way, but walked direct to the cuddy or saloon, which we
+entered by a deeply encrusted, sun-cracked scuttle, just forward of
+the mizzen-mast. So here we were, at length, at the heart of our
+quest.
+
+Personally, I was for the moment disappointed. My father, being wiser
+and knowing better what to expect, was pleased, I think. My
+anticipations had doubtless taken their colour from recent experience
+of the trim, well-ordered smartness of the _Ariadne's_ saloon. Here,
+on board the derelict, nothing was left standing which could easily be
+carried away. The cabins opening into the little saloon had no doors,
+save in the case of one--the captain's room--that had been split down
+the centre, apparently with an axe, and its remains hung drunkenly now
+upon one hinge, which, at a touch from Ted's hand, parted company with
+its bulkhead, leaving the door to fall clattering to the deck. But,
+curiously enough, the good hardwood bunks were all intact, except in
+the case of one, which had, apparently, been wantonly smashed, perhaps
+by the same insensate hand that smashed the door.
+
+The saloon table had gone, of course, and the chairs; but the brass
+cleats which had held them to their places in the deck were there
+still to show us where our predecessors here had sat and taken their
+meals. Here they had done their gossiping, no doubt, over the remains
+of savoury macaroni, with, perchance, an occasional flagon of Chianti
+or Barolo. There was a sort of buffet built into the forward bulkhead;
+and by a most surprising chance this was unhurt, save for a great star
+in the mirror behind it. Even its brass rail was intact. Some idle
+boor must have observed this solid little piece of man's handiwork,
+and then, I suppose, struck at the mirror with his axe--a savage and
+blackguardly act. But here, at all events, was our little store
+cupboard.
+
+'Sideboard's all right then,' was Ted's grinning comment. 'And a man
+could still see to shave in the glass.'
+
+The saloon skylight had been removed bodily, perhaps to serve some
+cockatoo bush farmer for a cucumber frame! And the result of this,
+more than any other circumstance, had been to give the saloon its
+desolate look; for, beneath the yawning aperture where once the
+skylight had stood, there was now an unsavoury mound of bird's
+droppings, near three feet high at its apex. This was now dust-dry;
+but the autumnal rains of bygone seasons had streamed upon it no
+doubt, with the result that all the rest of the saloon was several
+inches deep in the same sort of covering. There were naturally no
+stores in the pitch-black lazareet which one reached through a trap-door
+in the saloon deck; but among the lumber there we found an old
+bucket, a number of empty tins, packing-cases, and the like, a coal
+shovel with a broken handle, and two tanks in which ship's biscuits
+had been kept. How these latter commodities came to have been spared
+by marauding visitors it would be hard to say; for, in the bush, every
+one, without exception, requires tanks for the storage of rain-water.
+
+From the saloon we made our way right forward to the forecastle, in
+which practically no damage had been done; for the reason, I suppose,
+that little was there which easily could be damaged or removed. No
+anchors or cables were to be seen, but the seamen's bunks remained
+much as I imagine they had left them; and, on the side of one, some
+sundowner had contrived to scrawl, apparently with a heated wire, this
+somewhat fatuous legend:
+
+'Occewpide by me Captin Ned Kelli Bushranger. Chrismas day 1868. Not
+too bad.'
+
+In many other parts of the ship we found, when we came to do our
+cleaning, initials, dates, and occasional names, rudely carved. But
+the only attempt at a written tribute to the derelict's quality as a
+camping-place was the pretended bushranger's 'Not too bad'; a
+thoroughly Australian commentary, and probably endorsed in speech at
+the time of writing by the exclamation: 'My word!'
+
+Internally, the _Livorno_ had been very thoroughly gutted, even to the
+removal of many of her deck joists and 'tween-decks' stanchions. But
+in her galley, which, having remained closed, was in quite good order,
+we found the cooking range, though rusty, intact. It had been built
+into the deck-house, and, being partly of tiles, would hardly have
+lent itself to easy transport or use in another place. Ted had a fire
+burning in it that very day, and water boiling on it in tins. Hidden
+under much mouldering rubbish in the boatswain's locker were found two
+deck scrapers, which proved most useful.
+
+Ted strongly advised the adoption, as living-room, of the forecastle;
+and he may have been in the right of it. The place was weather-proof,
+its tiny skylight being intact. But sentiment, I think, attracted my
+father to the quarter-deck. 'The weather side of the poop's my only
+promenade,' he said gaily. 'And those square stern ports, with the
+carving under them--it would be a sin to leave them to the birds. Oh,
+the saloon is clearly our place, and we must rig a shelter over the
+skylight by and by.'
+
+In the end we accomplished little or nothing beyond inspection that
+day. Towards evening Ted laid in a stock of firewood beside our camp,
+while my father wrote a letter to the Werrina storekeeper, which Ted
+was to take in next day with a cheque. I say we accomplished nothing,
+because I can remember no useful work done. Yet I do vividly remember
+falling asleep over my supper, and feeling more physically weary than
+I had ever been before. We were on our feet all day, of course. We
+were gleaning new impressions at a great rate. The day was, I suppose,
+a pretty full one; and assuredly one of us slept well after it.
+
+
+IV
+
+
+When my eyes opened next morning, dawn, though near at hand, had not
+yet come. His pale-robed heralds were busy, however, diffusing that
+sort of nacreous haze which in coastal Australia lights the way for
+each day's coming. Looking out over the pillow of my cot I saw Ted
+among the trees, girthing the pack-saddle on Jerry. In a very few
+moments I was beside him, and in five minutes he had started on his
+journey.
+
+'I'll be in Warrina for breakfast,' he said.
+
+I walked a few hundred yards beside him, and the last glimpse I caught
+of him, at a bend over which the track rose a little, showed Ted
+seated sideways on the horse's hindquarters, one hand resting on the
+pack-saddle, the other waving overhead to me. A precarious perch I
+thought it, but as it saved him from the final degradation of walking,
+I have no doubt it suited Ted well enough.
+
+The sun was still some little way below the horizon when Ted
+disappeared, and I was perhaps a quarter of a mile from camp. Inland,
+I had very likely been bushed. Here, vague though the track was, the
+sea's incessant call was an unfailing guide. But it was in those few
+minutes, spent in walking back towards our tent, that I was given my
+first taste of solitude in the Australian bush; and, boy that I was,
+it impressed me greatly. It was a permanent addition to my narrow
+store of impressions, and it is with me yet.
+
+At such times the Australian bush has qualities which distinguish it
+from any other parts of the world known to me. I have known other
+places and times far more eerie. To go no farther there are parts of
+the bush in which thousands of trees, being ring-barked, have died and
+become ghosts of trees. Seen in the light of a half moon, when the sky
+is broken by wind-riven cloud, these spectral inhabitants of the bush,
+with their tattered winding sheets of corpse-white bark, are
+distinctly more eerie than anything the dawn had to show me beside
+Livorno Bay.
+
+Withal, the half-hour before sunrise has a peculiar quality of its
+own, in the bush, which I found very moving and somewhat awe-inspiring
+upon first acquaintance. There was a hush which one could feel and
+hear; a silence which exercised one's hearing more than any sound. And
+yet it was not a silence at all; for the sea never was still there. It
+was as though the bush and all that dwelt therein held its breath,
+waiting, waiting for a portent; and, meantime, watching me. In a few
+moments I found myself also waiting, conscious of each breath I drew.
+It was not so much eerie as solemn. Yes, I think it was the solemnity
+of that bush which so impressed me, and for the time so humbled me.
+
+A few moments later and the kindly brightness of the new-risen sun was
+glinting between tree-trunks, the bush began to breathe naturally, and
+I was off at a trot for my morning dabble in the surf.
+
+My father and I made but a poor show as housekeepers that day. I
+suppose we neither of us had ever washed a plate, or even boiled a
+kettle. In all such matters of what may be called outdoor domesticity
+(as in the use of such primitive and all-round serviceable tools as
+the axe), the Colonial-born man has a great advantage over his Home-born
+kinsman, in that he acquires proficiency in these matters almost
+as soon and quite as naturally as he learns to walk and talk. And not
+otherwise can the sane easy mastery of things be acquired.
+
+My father had some admirably sound theories about cooking. He had
+knowledge enough most heartily to despise the Frenchified menus which,
+I believe, were coming into vogue in London when we left it, and
+warmly to appreciate the sterling virtue of good English cookery and
+food. The basic aim in genuine English cookery is the conservation of
+the natural flavours and essences of the food cooked. And, since sound
+English meats and vegetables are by long odds the finest in the world,
+there could be no better purpose in cooking than this. Subtle methods
+and provocative sauces, which give their own distinctive flavour to
+the dishes in which they are used, are well enough for less favoured
+lands than England, and a much-needed boon, no doubt. They are a
+wasteful mistake in England, or were, at all events, so long as
+unadulterated English food was available.
+
+My father taught me these truths long ago, and I am an implicit
+believer in them to-day. All his theories about such matters were
+sound; and it may be that, in a properly appointed kitchen, he could
+have turned out an excellent good meal--given the right mood for the
+task. But I will admit that in Livorno Bay, both on this our first day
+alone there, and ever afterwards, my father's only attempts at
+domestic work were of the most sketchy and least satisfactory
+description; his grip of our housekeeping was of the feeblest, and in
+a very short time the matter fell entirely into my hands when Ted was
+not with us. Ted was my exemplar; from him such knowledge and ability
+as I acquired were derived. But to his shrewd practicality I was able
+to add something, in the shape of theory evolved from my father's
+conversation; and thus presently I obtained a quite respectable grasp
+of bush domesticity.
+
+This day of Ted's absence in Werrina we devoted to a more or less
+systematic exploration of our territory. My father was in a cheery
+vein, and entertained me by bestowing names upon the more salient
+features of our domain. The two horns of Livorno Bay, I remember, were
+Gog and Magog; the lagoon remained always just The Lagoon; the timber
+belt was Arden; our camp, Zoar; and so forth. We found an eminently
+satisfactory little spring, not quite so near at hand as the water-hole
+from which Ted had drawn our supplies till now, but yielding
+brighter, fresher water. And we botanised with the aid of a really
+charming little manuscript book, bound in kangaroo-skin, and given to
+my father by the widow of a Queensland squatter whom we had met on the
+coasting steamer. That little volume is among my few treasured
+possessions to-day. Some of its watercolour sketches look a little
+worn and pallid, after all these years, but it is a most instructive
+book; and from it came all my first knowledge of the various wattles,
+the different mahoganies, the innumerable gums, the ferns, creepers,
+and wild flowers of the bush.
+
+It was almost dark when Ted returned--in a cart. We were greatly
+surprised to see Jerry between the shafts of this ancient vehicle, and
+my father found it hard to credit that any cart could be driven over
+the bush track by which we had travelled, with its stumps and holes
+and sudden dips to watercourses. However, there the cart was, its
+harness plentifully patched with pieces of cord and wire; and it
+seemed well laden, too.
+
+'Who lent it you?' asked my father. And Ted explained how the cart had
+been offered to him for L3, and how, at length, he had bought it for
+L2, 5s. and a drink. It seemed a sin to miss such a chance, but if my
+father really did not want it, well, he, Ted, would pay for it out of
+his earnings. Of course my father accepted responsibility for the
+purchase, and very useful the crazy old thing proved as time went on;
+for, though its collapse, like that of other more important
+institutions, seemed always imminent, it never did actually dissolve
+in our time, and only occasionally did it shed any vital portion of
+its fabric. Even after such minor catastrophes, it always bore up
+nobly under the rude first (and last) aid we could give with cord, or
+green-hide and axed wood.
+
+To my inexperience it seemed that Ted had brought with him a wide
+assortment of most of the commodities known to civilisation. The
+unloading of the cart was to me as the enjoyment of a monstrous bran-pie;
+an entertainment I had heard of, but never seen. And when I heard
+there was certainly one more load, and probably two, to come, I felt
+that we really were rich beyond the dreams of most folk. I recalled
+the precise manner in which Fred (the _Ariadne_ rival and
+fellow-passenger, whose surname I never knew) had wilted when he heard
+that my father and I had intended travelling steerage, and from my heart
+I wished he could see this cart-load of assorted goods. 'Goods' was the
+correct word, I thought, for such wholesale profusion; and 'cart-load'
+had the right spaciousness to indicate a measure of our abundance.
+
+There were several large sheets of galvanised iron, appearing exactly
+as one in the cart, but covering a notable expanse of ground when
+spread out singly. These were for a roof in the place of the saloon
+skylight. My father had pished and tushed and pressed for a bark roof;
+but Ted, in his bush wisdom, had insisted on the prosaic 'tin,' as a
+catchment area for rain-water to be stored in the two ship's tanks.
+There were brooms, scrubbing-brushes, kettles, pots, pans, crockery,
+fishing-lines, ammunition for Ted's highly lethal old gun, and there
+were stores. I marvelled that stores so numerous and varied could have
+come out of Werrina. My imagination was particularly fired by the
+contemplation of a package said to contain a gross of boxes of
+matches. Reckoning on fifty to the box, I struggled for some time with
+a computation of the total number of our matches, giving it up finally
+when I had reached figures which might have thrilled a Rothschild. Our
+sugar was not in blue paper packages of a pound weight, but in a sack,
+as it might be for the sweetening of an army corps' porridge. And our
+tea! Like the true Australian he was, Ted had actually brought us a
+twenty-six pound case of tea. It was a wondrous collection, and I drew
+a long breath when I remembered that there was more, much more, to
+come. Here were nails, not in spiral twists of paper, but in solid
+seven-pound packages, and quite a number of them.
+
+Had I been a shopkeeper's son, I suppose these trifles from Werrina
+would have been esteemed by me at something like their real value. So
+I rejoice that I was not a shopkeeper's son, for I still cherish a
+lively recollection of the glad feeling of security and comfortable
+well-being which filled my breast as I paced round and about our cart
+and all it had brought us. Long before sun-up next morning, Ted was
+off again to Werrina; but, seeing our incapacity on the domestic side,
+the good fellow gave an hour or two before starting to washing up and
+cooking work; and I pretended to work with him, out there in the
+star-light, conversing the while in whispers to avoid disturbing my
+father.
+
+Two more journeys Ted made, and returned fully laden both times,
+the old cart fairly groaning under the weight of goods it held. And then
+the services of a bullock-driver and his team and dray had
+subsequently to be requisitioned to bring out our English boxes and
+baggage, including the cases of my father's books. Those books, how
+they tempt one to musing digressions.... But of that in its place.
+
+By the time the carrier's work was done we had established something
+of a routine of life, though this was subject to a good deal of
+variation and disorder, as I remember, so long as the tent was in use.
+Ted had arranged with butcher and storekeeper both to meet one of us
+once a week at a point distant some six miles from Livorno Bay, where
+our track crossed a road. Our bread, of course, we baked for
+ourselves; and excellent bread it was, while Ted made it. I believe
+that even when the task of making it fell into my hands, it was more
+palatable than baker's bread; certainly my father thought so, and that
+was enough for me.
+
+Our hardest work, by far, was the cleaning of the _Livorno_. There was
+a spring cleaning with a vengeance! We used a mixture of soft soap and
+soda and sand, which made our hands all mottled: huge brown freckles
+over an unwholesome-looking, indurated, fish-belly grey. The stuff
+made one's finger-ends smart horridly, I remember. For days on end it
+seemed we lived in this mess; our feet and legs and arms all bare, and
+perspiration trickling down our noses, while soapy water and sand
+crept up our arms and all over our bodies. My father insisted on doing
+his share, though frequently driven by mere exhaustion to pause and
+lie down at full length upon the nearest dry spot. I have always
+regretted his persistence at this task, for which at that time he was
+totally unfit.
+
+However, the scraping and sanding and scrubbing were ended at last,
+and I will say that I believe we made a very creditable job of it. We
+could not give back to our barque the soundness of her youth, her
+sea-going prime, but I think we made her scrupulously clean and sweet;
+and I shall not forget the jubilant sense of achievement which spurred us
+on all through the scorching hot day upon which we really installed
+ourselves.
+
+Ted had rigged an excellent table between the saloon stanchions, and
+three packing-cases with blankets over them looked quite sumptuous and
+ottoman-like, as seats. Our bedding was arranged in the solid hardwood
+bunks which had accommodated the captain and mates of the _Livorno_
+what time she made her first exit from the harbour of Genoa. Our
+stores were neatly stowed in various lockers, and in Ted's famous
+'sideboard'; our kitchen things found their appointed places in the
+galley; our incongruous skylight roof, with its guttering and adjacent
+tanks, awaited their baptism of rain; my father's books were arranged
+on shelves of Ted's construction; our various English belongings,
+looking inexpressibly choice, intimate, and valuable in their new
+environment, were disposed with a view to convenience, and, be it
+said, to appearances; and--here was our home.
+
+We were all very tired that night, but we were gay over our supper,
+and it was most unusually late before I slept. Late as that was,
+however, I could see by its reflected light on the deck beams that my
+father's candle was burning still. And when I chanced to wake, long
+afterwards, I could hear, until I fell asleep again, the slight sound
+he made in walking softly up and down the poop deck--a lonely man who
+had not found rest as yet; who, despite bright flashes of gaiety, was
+far from happy, a fact better understood and more deeply regretted by
+his small son than he knew.
+
+
+V
+
+
+My first serious preoccupation regarding ways and means--the money
+question--began, I think, in the neighbourhood of my eleventh
+birthday, and has remained a more or less constant companion and
+bedfellow ever since.
+
+Now, as I write, I am perhaps freer than ever before from this sordid
+preoccupation; not by reason of fortunate investments and a plethoric
+bank balance, but because my needs now are singularly few and
+inexpensive, and the future--that Damoclean sword of civilised life--no
+longer stretches out before me, a long and arid expanse demanding
+provision. This preoccupation began for me in the week of my eleventh
+birthday, when my father asked me one evening if I thought we could
+manage now without Ted's services.
+
+'It's not that I pay him much,' said my father, stroking his chin
+between thumb and forefinger, as his manner was when pondering such a
+point; 'but the fact is we can by no manner of juggling pretend to be
+able to afford even that little. Then, again, you see, the poor chap
+must eat. The fish he brings us are a real help, and no wage-earner I
+ever met could take pot-luck more cheerfully than Ted. What's more, I
+like him, you like him, and he is, I know, a most useful fellow to
+have about. But, take it any way one can, he must represent fifty
+pounds a year in our rate of expenditure, and-- Well, you see, Nick, we
+simply haven't got it to spend.'
+
+It was on the tip of my tongue, I remember, to ask my father why he
+did not send to the bank and ask for more money; and by that may be
+gauged the crudely unsophisticated stage of my development. But I must
+remember, too, that I bit back the question, and, ignorant of all
+detail though I was, felt intuitively sure, first, that the whole
+subject was a sore and difficult one for my father, and, secondly,
+that I must never ask for or expect anything calling for monetary
+expenditure. My vague feeling was that the World had somehow wronged
+my father by not providing him with more money. I felt instinctively
+that It never would give him any more; and that It had given him
+whatever he had, only as the result of personal sacrifices which
+should never have been demanded of him. I resented keenly what seemed
+to me the World's callous and unreasonable discourtesy to such a man
+as my father, whom, I thought, It should have delighted to honour.
+
+As illustrating the World's coarse and brutal injustice, I thought,
+there was the case of a man like Nelly Fane's father, or, again, the
+storekeeper in Werrina. (Mr. Fane would hardly have thanked me for the
+conjunction.) Neither, it was clear, possessed a tithe of the brains,
+the distinction, the culture, or the charm of my father; yet it was
+equally obvious (in different ways) that both were a good deal more
+liberally endowed with this world's gear than we were. I felt that the
+whole matter ought to be properly explained and made clear to those
+powers, whoever they were, who controlled and ordered It. I distinctly
+remember the thought taking shape in my mind that Mr. Disraeli ought
+to know about it! Meantime, my concern was, as far as might be, to
+relieve my father of anxiety, and so minimise as much as possible the
+effects of a palpable miscarriage of justice.
+
+The thing has a rather absurd and pompous effect as I set it down on
+paper; but I have stated it truly, none the less, however awkwardly.
+
+The fact that I had known no mother, combined with the progressive
+weakening of my father's health and peace of mind during the previous
+year or so, may probably have influenced my attitude in all such
+matters, may have given a partly feminine quality to my affection for
+my father. I know it seemed to me unfitting that he should ever take
+any part in our domestic work on the _Livorno_, and very natural that
+I should attend to all such matters. Also I had felt, ever since the
+day in Richmond Park when, to some extent, he gave me his confidence
+regarding the severance of his connection with the London newspaper
+office, that my father needed 'looking after,' that it was desirable
+for him to be taken care of and spared as much as possible; and that,
+obviously, I was the person to see to it. Our departure from England
+had been rather a pleasure than otherwise for me, because it had
+seemed to place my father more completely in my hands. Such an
+attitude may or may not have been natural and desirable in so young a
+boy; I only know that it was mine at that time.
+
+It follows therefore that I told my father we could perfectly well
+manage without Ted, though, as a fact, I viewed the prospect, not with
+misgiving so much as with very real regret. I had grown to like Ted
+very well in the few months he had spent with us, and to this day I am
+gratefully conscious of the practical use and value of many lessons
+learned from this simple teacher, who was so notably wanting, by the
+Werrina storekeeper's way of it, in 'Systum.' A more uniformly kindly
+fellow I do not think I have ever met. The world would probably
+pronounce him an idler, and it is certain he would never have
+accumulated money; but he was not really idle. On the contrary, he was
+full of activity, and of simple, kindly enthusiasms. Rut his chosen
+forms of activity rarely led him to the production of what is
+marketable, and he very quickly wearied of any set routine.
+
+'Spare me days!' Ted cried, when my father, with some
+circumlocutionary hesitancy and great delicacy, conveyed his decision
+to our factotum. 'Don't let the bit o' money worry ye, Mr. Freydon.
+It's little I do, anyway. Give me an odd shilling or two for me 'baccy
+an' that, when I go into Werrina, an' I'll want no wages. What's the
+use o' wages to the likes o' me, anyhow?'
+
+I could see that this put my father in something of a quandary. A
+certain delicacy made it difficult for him to mention the matter of
+Ted's food--the good fellow had a royal appetite--and he did not want
+to appear unfriendly to a man who simply was not cognisant of any such
+things as social distinctions or obligations. Finally, and with less
+than his customary ease, my father did manage to make it plain that
+his decision, however much he might regret being forced to it, was
+final; and that he could not possibly permit Ted's proposed gratuitous
+sacrifice of his time and abilities.
+
+'There's the future to be thought of, you know, Ted,' he added. (For
+how many years has that word 'future' stood for anxiety, gloom,
+depression, and worry?) 'Such a capable fellow as you are should be
+earning good pay, and, if you don't need it now, banking it against
+the day when you will want it.' (My father was on firmer ground now,
+and a characteristic smile began to lighten his eyes and voice,
+besides showing upon his expressive mouth. I am not sure that I ever
+heard him laugh outright; but his chuckle was a choice incentive to
+merriment, and he had a smile of exceptional sweetness.) 'There'll be
+a Mrs. Ted presently, you know, and how should I ever win her
+friendship, as I hope to, if she knew I had helped to prevent her lord
+and master from getting together the price of a home? No, no, Ted; we
+can't let you do that. But if anything I can say or write will help
+you to a place worth having, I'm very much at your service; and if you
+will come and pay us a visit whenever you feel like sparing a Sunday
+or holiday, we shall both take it kindly in you, and Nick here will
+bless you for it, won't you, Nick?'
+
+I agreed in all sincerity, and so the matter was decided. But Ted
+positively insisted on being allowed to stay one further week with us,
+without pay, in order, he said, 'to finish my mate's eddication as a
+bushman.' 'My mate,' of course, was myself. In the Old World such
+freedom of speech would perhaps indicate disrespect, and would almost
+certainly be resented as such. But we had learned something of
+Australian ways by this time; and if my father's eyebrows may have
+risen ever so slightly at that word 'mate,' I was frankly pleased and
+flattered by it. Then, as now, I could appreciate as a compliment the
+inclination of such a good fellow to give me so friendly a title; and
+yet I fear me no genuine democrat would admit that I had any claim to
+be regarded as a disciple of his cult!
+
+His mind deliberately bent on conveying instruction, Ted proved rather
+a poor teacher. In that role he was the least thing tiresome, and
+given to enlargement upon unessentials, while overlooking the things
+that matter. Unconsciously he had taught me much; in his teaching week
+he rather fretted me. But, all the same, I was sorry when the end of
+it arrived. We had arranged for him to drive with me to the point at
+which our track crossed a main road, where we should meet the
+storekeeper's cart. There would be stores for me to bring back, and
+Ted would finish his journey with the storekeeper's man. Ted insisted
+on making me a present of his own special axe, which he treated and
+regarded as some men will treat a pet razor. He had taught me to use
+and keep it fairly well. I gave him my big horn-handled knife, which
+was quite a tool-kit in itself; and my father gave him a hunting-crop
+to which he had taken a desperate fancy.
+
+The storekeeper's man witnessed our parting, and that kept me on my
+dignity; but when the pair of them were out of sight, I felt I had
+lost a friend, and had many cares upon my shoulders. Driving back
+alone through the bush with our stores, I made some fine resolutions.
+I was now in my twelfth year, and very nearly a man, I told myself. It
+would be my business to keep our home in order, to take particularly
+good care of my father, and to see that he was as comfortable as I
+could make him. Certainly, I was a very serious-minded youngster; and
+it did not make me less serious to find when I got back to the
+_Livorno_ that my father was lying in his bunk in some pain, and, as I
+knew at first glance, very much depressed. He had strained or hurt
+himself in some way in cutting firewood.
+
+'You oughtn't to have done it, you know, father,' I remember saying,
+very much as a nurse or parent might have said it. 'We've plenty
+stacked in the main hatch, and you know the wood's my job.'
+
+He smiled sadly. 'I'm not quite sure that there's any work here that
+doesn't seem to be your "job," old fellow,' he said. 'At least, if any
+of it's mine, it must be a kind that's sadly neglected.'
+
+'Well, but, father, you have more important things; you have your
+writing. The little outside jobs are mine, of course. I've learned it
+all from Ted. You really must trust me for that, father.'
+
+'Ah, well, you're a good lad, Nick; and we must see if I cannot set to
+seriously in the matter of doing some of this writing you talk of.
+It's high time; and it may be easier now we are alone. No, I don't
+think I'll get up to supper this evening, Nick. I'm not very well, to
+tell the truth, and a quiet night's rest here will be best for me.'
+
+We had a few fowls then in a little bush run, and I presently had a
+new-laid egg beaten up for my patient. This he took to oblige me; but
+his 'quiet night's rest' did not amount to much, for each time I waked
+through the night I knew, either by the light burning beside him, or
+by some slight movement he made, that my father was awake.
+
+
+VI
+
+
+In this completely solitary way we lived for some eight months after
+Ted left us. There were times when my father seemed cheery and in much
+better health. In such periods he would concern himself a good deal in
+the matter of my education.
+
+'It may never be so valuable to you as Ted's "eddication,"' he said;
+'but a gentleman should have some acquaintance with the classics,
+Nick, both in our tongue (the nobility of which is not near so well
+understood as it might be) and in the tongues of the ancients.'
+
+Once he said: 'We have lived our own Odyssey, old fellow, without
+writing it; but I'd like you to be able to read Homer's.'
+
+As a fact, I never have got so far as to read it with any comfort in
+the original; and I suppose a practical educationalist would say that
+such fitful, desultory instruction as I did receive from my father in
+our cuddy living-room on board the _Livorno_ was quite valueless. But
+I fancy the expert would be wrong in this, as experts sometimes are.
+In the schoolman's sense I learned little or nothing. But natheless I
+believe these hours spent with my father among his books, and yet
+more, it may be, other hours spent with him when he had no thought of
+teaching me, had their very real value in the process of my mental
+development. If they did not give me much of actual knowledge, they
+helped to give me a mind of sorts, an inclination or bent toward those
+directions in which intellectual culture is obtainable. Else, surely,
+I had remained all my days a hewer of wood and a drawer of water--with
+more of health in mind and body and means, perhaps, than are mine to-day!
+Well, yes; and that, too, is likely enough. At all events I
+choose to thank my father for the fact that at no period of my life
+have I cared to waste time over mere vapid trash, whether spoken or
+printed.
+
+Outside his own personal feelings and mental processes, the which he
+never discussed with me, there was no set of subjects, I think, that
+my father excluded from the range of our conversations. Indeed, I
+think that in those last months of our life on the _Livorno_, he
+talked pretty much as freely with me, and as variously, as he would
+have talked with any friend of his own age. In the periods when we
+were not together, he would be sitting at the saloon table, with paper
+and pens before him, or pacing the seaward side of the poop, or lying
+resting in his bunk, or on the deck. Frequent rest became increasingly
+necessary for him. His strength seemed to fade out from him with the
+mere effluxion of time. He often spoke to me of the curious effects
+upon men's minds of the illusions we call nostalgia. But he allowed no
+personal bearing to his remarks, and never hinted that he regretted
+leaving England, or wished to return there.
+
+Physically speaking, I doubt if any life could be much healthier than
+ours was on the _Livorno_. Dress, for each of us alike, consisted of
+two garments only, shirt and trousers. Unless when going inland for
+some reason, we went always barefoot. Of what use could shoes be on
+the _Livorno's_ decks--washed down with salt water every day--or the
+white sands of the bay. Our dietary, though somewhat monotonous, was
+quite wholesome. We lacked other vegetables, but grew potatoes,
+pumpkins, and melons in plenty. Fresh fish we ate most days, and
+butcher's meat perhaps twice or thrice a week. Purer air than that we
+breathed and lived in no sanatorium could furnish, and the hours we
+kept were those of the nursery; though, unfortunately, bed-time by no
+means always meant sleeping-time for my father.
+
+Withal, even my inexperience did not prevent my realisation of the
+sinking, fading process at work in my father. Its end I did not
+foresee. It would have gone hard with me indeed to have been
+consciously facing that. But I was sadly enough conscious of the
+process; and a competent housewife would have found humorous pathos,
+no doubt, in my efforts, by culinary means, to counteract this. My
+father's appetite was capricious, and never vigorous. There was a
+considerable period in which I am sure quite half my waking hours (not
+to mention dream fancies and half waking meditations in bed) were
+devoted to thinking out and preparing special little dishes from the
+limited range of food-stuffs at my command.
+
+'A s'prise for you this morning, father,' I would say, as I led the
+way, proudly, to our dining-table, or, in one of his bad times,
+arrived at his bunk-side, carrying the carefully pared sheet of
+stringy bark which served us for a tray. There would be elaborate
+uncoverings on my side, and sniffs of pretended eagerness from my
+father; and, thanks to the unvarying kindliness and courtesy of his
+nature, I dare say my poor efforts really were of some value, because
+full many a time I am sure they led to his eating when, but for
+consideration of my feelings, he had gone unnourished, and so
+aggravated his growing weakness.
+
+'God bless my soul, Nick,' he would say, after a taste of my latest
+concoction; 'what would they not give to have you at the Langham, or
+Simpson's? I believe you are going to be a second Soyer, and control
+the destinies of empires from a palace kitchen. Bush cooking,
+forsooth! Why this--this latest triumph is nectar--ambrosial stuff,
+Nick--more good, hearty body in it than any wines the gods ever
+quaffed. You'll see, I shall begin forthwith to lay on fat, like a
+Christmas turkey.'
+
+My father could not always rise to such flights, of course; but many
+and many a time he took a meal he would otherwise have lacked, solely
+to gratify his small cook.
+
+There came a time when my father passed the whole of every morning in
+bed, and, later, a time when he left his bunk for no more than an hour
+or two each afternoon. The thought of seeking a doctor's help never
+occurred to me, and my father never mentioned it. I suppose we had
+grown used to relying upon ourselves, to ignoring the resources of
+civilisation, which, indeed, for my part, I had almost forgotten. Not
+often, I fancy, in modern days has a boy of eleven or twelve years
+passed through so strange an experience, or known isolation more
+complete.
+
+The climax of it all dates in my memory from an evening upon which I
+returned with Jerry from a journey to the road (for stores) to find my
+father lying unconscious beside the saloon table, where his paper and
+pens were spread upon a blotting-pad. Fear had my very heart in his
+cold grip that night. There was, no doubt, a certain grotesqueness,
+due to ignorance, about many of my actions. In some book (of
+Fielding's belike) I had read of burnt feathers in connection with
+emotional young ladies' fainting fits. So now, like a frightened stag,
+I flew across the sand to our fowl run, and snatched a bunch of
+feathers from the first astonished rooster my hand fell upon. A few
+seconds later, these were smoking in a candle flame, and thence to my
+father's nostrils. To my ignorant eyes he showed no sign of life
+whatever, but none the less--again inspired by books--I fell now to
+chafing his thin hands. And then to the feathers again. Then back to
+the hands. Lack of thought preserved me from the customary error of
+attempting to raise the patient's head; but no doubt my ignorance
+prevented my being of much real service, though every nerve in me
+strained to the desire.
+
+My father's recovery of robust health, or my own sudden acquisition of
+a princely fortune, could hardly have brought a deeper thrill of
+gladness and relief than that which came to me with the first flutter
+of the veined, dark eye-lids upon which my gaze was fastened. A few
+moments later, and he recognised me; another few minutes, and, leaning
+shakily on my shoulder, he reached the side of his bunk. When his head
+touched the pillow, he gave me a wan smile, and-- 'So you see you
+can't trust me to keep house even for one afternoon, Nick,' he said.
+
+This almost unbalanced me, and only an exaggerated sense of
+responsibility as nurse and housekeeper kept back the tears that were
+pricking like ten thousand needles at my eyes. Savagely I reproached
+myself for having been away, and for having no foreknowledge of the
+coming blow. In one of his bags my father had a flask of brandy, and,
+guided by his directions, I unearthed this and administered a little
+to the patient. Promising that I would look in every few minutes, I
+hurried off then to relight the galley fire and prepare something for
+supper.
+
+Later in the evening my father became brighter than he had been for
+weeks, and, child-like, I soon exchanged my fears for hopes. And then
+it was, just as I was turning in, that, speaking in quite a cheery
+tone, my father said:
+
+'I haven't taken half thought enough for you, Nick boy; and yet you've
+set me the best possible kind of example. It's easy to laugh at the
+simple folks' way of talking about "if anything happens" to one. But
+the idea's all right, and ought not to be lost sight of. Well then,
+Nick, if "anything" should "happen" to me, at any time, I want you to
+harness up Jerry and drive straight away into Werrina, with the two
+letters that I left on the cuddy table. One is for the doctor
+there--deliver that first--and the other is for a Roman Catholic priest,
+Father O'Malley; deliver that next. It is important, and must not be
+lost, for there's money in it. I wish it were more--I wish it were.
+Bring them here now, Nick.'
+
+I brought the letters, and they were placed under a weight on the
+little shelf over my father's head.
+
+'Don't forget what I said, Nick; and do it--exactly, old fellow. And
+now, let us forget all about it. That gruel, or whatever it was you
+gave me just now, has made me feel so comfortable that I'm going to
+have a beautiful sleep, and wake up as fit as a fiddle to-morrow. Give
+me your hand, boy. There--good-night! God bless you!'
+
+He turned on his shoulder, perhaps to avoid seeing my tears, and
+again, perhaps, I have thought, to avoid my seeing the coming of tears
+in his own eyes. He had kissed my forehead, and I could not remember
+ever being kissed by him before. For, as long as my memory carried me,
+our habit had been to shake hands, like two men....
+
+I find an unexpected difficulty in setting down the details of an
+experience which, upon the whole, produced a deeper impression on me,
+I think, than any other event in my life. When all is said, can any
+useful purpose be served by observing at this stage of my task a
+particularity which would be exceedingly depressing to me? I think
+not. There is assuredly no need for me, of all people, to court
+melancholy. I think that, without great fullness at this point in my
+record, I can gauge pretty accurately the value as a factor in my
+growth of this particular experience, and so I will be very brief.
+
+On the fifth evening after that of the attack which left him
+unconscious on the saloon deck, my father died, very peacefully, and,
+I believe, quite painlessly. He spoke to me, and with a smile, only a
+few minutes before he drew his last breath.
+
+'I'm going, Nick--going--to rest, boy. Don't cry, Nick. Best son....
+God bless....'
+
+Those were the last words he spoke. For two hours or more before that
+time, he had lain with eyes closed, breathing lightly, perhaps asleep,
+certainly unconscious. Now he was dead. I was under no sort of
+illusion about that. Something which had been hanging cold as ice over
+my heart all day had fallen now, like an axe-blade, and split my heart
+in twain. So I felt. There was the gentle suggestion of a smile still
+about the dead lips, but something terrible had happened to my
+father's eyes. I know now that mere muscular contraction was
+accountable for this, and not, as it seemed, sudden terror or pain.
+But the effect of that contraction upon my lonely mind! ...
+
+Well, I had two things to do, and with teeth set hard in my lower lip
+I set to work to do them. With shaking hands I closed my father's
+eyelids and drew the sheet over his face. Then I took the two letters
+from the shelf and thrust them in the breast of my shirt.
+
+Walking stiffly--it seemed to me very necessary that I should keep all
+my muscles quite rigid--I left the ship, harnessed Jerry, and drove
+off into the darkling bush towards Werrina. The sun had disappeared
+before I left my father's side, and the track to Werrina was fifteen
+miles long. A strange drive, and a queer little numbed driver,
+creaking along through the ghostly bush, exactly as a somnambulist
+might, the most of his faculties in abeyance. Three words kept shaping
+themselves in my mind, I know, and then fading out again, like
+shadows. They never were spoken. My lips did not move, I think, all
+through the long, slow night drive. The three words were:
+
+'Father is dead.'
+
+
+
+
+YOUTH--AUSTRALIA
+
+
+I
+
+
+We wore no uniform at St. Peter's Orphanage, but there were plenty of
+other reminders to keep us conscious that we were inmates of an
+institution, and what is called a charitable institution at that. At
+all events I, personally, was reminded of it often enough; but I would
+not say that the majority of the boys thought much of the point. My
+upbringing, so far, had not been a good training for institutional
+life. And then, again, my ignorance of the Roman Catholic religion was
+complete. I had not been particularly well posted perhaps regarding
+the church of my fathers--the Church of England; but I had never set
+foot in a Roman Catholic place of worship, nor set eyes upon an image
+of the Virgin. Occasionally, my father had gone with me to church in
+London; but, as a rule, the companion of my devotions had been a
+servant. And in Australia neither my father nor I had visited any
+church.
+
+I gathered gradually that my father had once met and chatted with
+Father O'Malley for a few minutes in Werrina, learning in that time of
+the reverend father's supervisory connection with St. Peter's
+Orphanage at Myall Creek, eleven miles down the coast. It is easy now
+to understand how, pondering sadly over the question of what should
+become of me when 'anything happened' to him, my father had seized
+upon the idea of this Orphanage, the only institute of its kind within
+a hundred miles. He had never seen the place, and knew nothing of it.
+But what choice had he?
+
+And so I became a duly registered orphan, and an inmate of St.
+Peter's. The letter I took to Father O'Malley contained, in bank-notes,
+all the money of which my father died possessed. To this day I
+do not know what the amount was, save that it was more than one
+hundred pounds, and, almost certainly, under three hundred pounds. The
+letter made a gift of this money to the Orphanage, I believe, on the
+understanding that the Orphanage took me in and cared for me. It also,
+I understood, authorised Father O'Malley to sell for the benefit of
+the Orphanage all my father's belongings on board the _Livorno_, with
+the exception of the books and papers, which were to be held in trust
+for me, and handed over to me when I left the institution. Knowing
+nobody in the district, I do not see that my father could with
+advantage have taken any other course than the one he chose; and I am
+very sure that he believed he was doing the best that could be done
+for me in the circumstances.
+
+Like every other habitation in that countryside, the Orphanage was a
+wooden structure: hardwood weatherboard walls and galvanised iron
+roof. But, unlike a good many others, it was well and truly built,
+with a view to long life. It stood three feet above the ground upon
+piers of stone, each of which had a mushroom-shaped cap of iron, to
+check, as far as might be, the onslaught of the white ant, that
+destructive pest of coastal Australia and enemy of all who live in
+wooden houses. Also, it was kept well painted, and cared for in every
+way, as few buildings in that district were. In Australia generally,
+even in those days, labour was a somewhat costly commodity. At the
+Orphanage it was the one thing used without stint, for it cost nothing
+at all.
+
+As I was being driven to the Orphanage in Father O'Malley's sulky,
+behind his famous trotting mare Jinny, I hazarded upon a note of
+interrogation the remark that my father would be buried.
+
+'Surely, surely, my boy; I expect he will be buried at Werrina
+to-morrow.'
+
+This was on the morning after my delivery of the letters in Werrina. I
+had spent the night in Father O'Malley's house. Somehow, I conveyed
+the suggestion that I wanted to attend that burying. The priest nodded
+amiably.
+
+'Aye,' he said; 'we'll see about it, we'll see about it, presently.
+But just now you're going to a beautiful house at Myall Creek--St.
+Peter's. And, if ye're a real good lad, ye'll be let stay there, an'
+get a fine education, an' all--if ye're a good lad. Y'r poor father
+asked this for ye, like a wise man; and if we can get ut for ye, the
+sisters will make a man of ye in no time--if ye're a good lad.'
+
+'Yes, sir,' I replied meekly; and, so far as I remember, spake no
+other word while seated in that swiftly drawn sulky. I learned
+afterwards that the reverend father was not only a good judge of
+horse-flesh, but a famous hand at a horse deal, just as he was a
+notably shrewd man of business, and good at a bargain of any kind. So
+I fancy was every one connected with the Orphanage.
+
+I did not, as a fact, attend my father's funeral, nor was I ever again
+as far from Myall Creek as Werrina during the whole of my term at the
+Orphanage.
+
+There were fifty-nine 'inmates,' as distinguished from other residents
+there, when my name was entered on the books of St. Peter's Orphanage.
+So I brought the ranks of the orphans up to sixty. The whole
+institution was managed by a Sister-in-charge and three other sisters:
+Sister Agatha, Sister Mary, and Sister Catharine. No doubt the
+Sister-in-charge had a name, but one never heard it. She was always
+spoken of as 'Sister-in-charge.' There was no male member of the staff
+except Tim the boatman; and he was hardly like a man, in the ordinary
+worldly sense, since he was an old orphan, and had been brought up at St.
+Peter's. He played an important part in the life of the place,
+because, in a way, he and his punt formed the bridge connecting us
+with the rest of the world.
+
+St. Peter's stood on a small island, under three hundred acres in
+area, at the mouth of the Myall Creek, where that stream opens into
+the arm of the sea called Burke Water. Our landing-stage was, I
+suppose, a couple of hundred yards from the Myall Creek wharf--the
+'Crick Wharf,' as it was always called; and it was Tim's job to bridge
+that gulf by means of the punt, which he navigated with an oar passed
+through a hole in its flat stern. The punt was roomy, but a cumbersome
+craft.
+
+The orphans ranged in age all the way from about three years on to the
+twenties. Alf Loddon was twenty-six, I believe; but he, though strong,
+and a useful hand at the plough, or with an axe, or in the shafts of
+one of our small carts, was undoubtedly half-witted. We had several
+big fellows whose chins cried aloud for the application of razors. And
+none of us was idle. Even little five-year-olds, like Teddy Reeves,
+gathered and carried kindling wood, and weeded the garden; while boys
+of my own age were old and experienced farm hands, and had adopted the
+heavy, lurching stride of the farm labourer.
+
+I suppose there never was a 'charitable' institution conducted more
+emphatically upon business lines than was St. Peter's Orphanage. The
+establishment included a dairy farm, a poultry farm, and a market
+garden. Indeed, at that period, so far as the production of vegetables
+went, we had no white competitors within fifty or a hundred miles, I
+think. As in many other parts of Australia, the inhabitants of this
+countryside regarded any form of market gardening as Chinaman's work,
+pure and simple. There were any number of settlers then who never
+tasted vegetables from one year's end to another, though the ground
+about their houses would have grown every green thing known to
+culinary art. In the townships, too, nobody would 'be bothered'
+growing vegetables; but, unlike many of the 'cockatoo' farmers, the
+town people were ready enough to buy green things; and therein lay our
+opportunity. We rarely ate vegetables at St. Peter's, but we
+cultivated them assiduously; and sixpence and eightpence were quite
+ordinary prices for our cabbages to fetch.
+
+So, too, with dairy products. We 'inmates' saw very little of butter
+at table, treacle being our great standby. (The sisters had butter, of
+course.) But St. Peter's butter stamped 'S.P.O.' was famous in the
+district, and esteemed, as it was priced, highly. Exactly the same
+might be said (both as regards our share of these commodities and the
+public appreciation of them) of the eggs and milk produced at St.
+Peter's. Save in the way of occasional pilferings I never tasted milk
+at St. Peter's; but between us, the members of the milking gang, of
+which I was at one time chief, milked twenty-nine cows, morning and
+evening. I have heard Jim Meagher, the chief poultry boy, boast of a
+single day's gathering of four hundred and sixty-eight eggs; but eggs,
+save when stolen, pricked, and sucked raw, never figured in our bill
+of fare. At first glance this might appear unbusinesslike, but the
+prices obtainable for these things were good, as they still are and
+always have been in Australia; and the various items of our
+dietary--treacle, bread, oatmeal, tea, and corned beef--could of course
+be bought much more cheaply.
+
+Father O'Malley did most of the purchasing for the Orphanage, and
+audited its accounts, I believe. Sister Catharine and the
+Sister-in-charge, between them, did all the collecting throughout the
+countryside for the Orphanage funds. And I have heard it said they
+were singularly adept in this work. I have heard a Myall Creek farmer
+tell how the sisters 'fairly got over' him, though, as he told the
+story, it seemed to me that in this particular case he had been the
+victor. They were selling tickets at the time for a 'social' in aid of
+the Orphanage funds. The farmer flatly refused to purchase, saying he
+could not attend the function.
+
+'Ah, well, but ye'll buy a ticket, Misther Jones; sure ye will now,
+f'r the Orphanage.' But Mr. Jones was obdurate. Well, then, he would
+give a few pounds of tea and sugar? But he was right out of both
+commodities. Some of his fine eggs, or, maybe, a young pig? Mr. Jones
+continued in his obduracy. He was a poor man, he said, and could not
+afford to give.
+
+'May we pick a basket av y'r beautiful oranges thin, Misther Jones?'
+They might not, for he had sold them on the trees.
+
+'Ah, well, can ye let us have a whip, just a common whip, Misther
+Jones, for we've come out without one, an' the horse is gettin' old,
+an' needs persuasion.' Mr. Jones would not give a whip, as he had but
+the one.
+
+'Ah, thin, just a loan of it, Misther Jones, till this evening?' No,
+the farmer wanted to use the whip himself.
+
+'Well, well, thin, Misther Jones, I see we'll have to be gettin'
+along; so I'll wish ye good-morning--if ye'll just let us have a cup
+o' milk each, for 'tis powerful warm this morning, an' I'm thirsty.'
+At this the farmer forgot his manners, in his wrath, and said
+explosively:
+
+'The milk's all settin', an' the water tank's near empty, so I'll wish
+ye good-morning, _anyhow_, mum!' And this valiant man moved to the
+door.
+
+But I am well assured that such a defeat was a rare thing in the
+sisters' experience. Indeed, Mr. Jones made it his boast that he was
+the only man in that district--'Prodesdun or Papish'--who ever
+received a visit from the Orphanage sisters without paying for it. On
+the other hand, it was very generally admitted that no farm in that
+countryside was more profitable than ours; and that no one turned out
+products of higher quality, or obtained better prices. These smaller
+rural industries--dairying, market gardening, and the like--demand
+much labour of a more or less unskilled and mechanical sort, but do
+not provide returns justifying the payment of high wages. In this
+regard St. Peter's was, of course, ideally situated. It paid no wages,
+and employed twenty pairs of hands for every one pair employed by the
+average producer in the district.
+
+
+II
+
+
+Looking back now upon the period I spent as an 'inmate' of St. Peter's
+Orphanage, it seems a queer unreal interlude enough; possessing some
+of the qualities of a dream, including brevity and detachment from the
+rest of my life. But well I know that in the living there was nothing
+in the least dream-like about it; and, so far from being brief, I know
+there were times when it seemed that all the rest of my life had been
+but a day or so, by comparison with the grey, interminable vista of
+the St. Peter's period.
+
+It appears to me now as something rather wonderful that I ever should
+have been able to win clear of St. Peter's to anything else; at all
+events, to anything so unlike St. Peter's as the most of my life has
+been. How was it I did not eventually succeed Tim, the punt-man, or
+become the hind of one or other of the small farmers about the
+district, as did most of the Orphanage lads? The scope life offered to
+the orphans of St. Peter's was something easily to be taken in by the
+naked eye from Myall Creek. It embraced only the simplest kind of
+labouring occupations, and included no faintest hint of London, or of
+the great kaleidoscopic world lying between Australia and England; no
+sort of suggestion of the infinitely changeful and various thing that
+life has been for me.
+
+It is certain that I cherish no sort of resentment or malice where the
+Orphanage and its sisters are concerned. But neither will I pretend to
+have the slightest feeling of gratitude or benevolence towards them. I
+should not wish to contribute to their funds, though I possessed all
+the wealth of the Americas. And I will say that I think those
+responsible for the conduct of the place were singularly indifferent,
+or blind, to the immense opportunities for productive well-doing which
+lay at their feet.
+
+Here were sixty orphans; lads for the most part plastic as clay. The
+sisters were the potters. No ruling sovereign possesses a tithe of the
+absolute authority that was theirs. They literally held the powers of
+life and death. Unquestioned and god-like they moved serenely to and
+fro about the island farm, in their floating black draperies,
+directing the daily lives of their subjects by means of a nod, a
+gesture of the hand, a curt word here or there. They were the only
+gods we had. (There was nothing to make us think of them as
+goddesses.) And, so blind were they to their opportunities, they
+offered us nothing better. By which, I do not mean that our chapel was
+neglected. (It was not, though I do not think it meant much more for
+any of us than the milking, the wood-chopping, or the window-cleaning.)
+But, rather, that these capable, energetic women entirely ignored their
+unique opportunities of uplifting us. It was an appalling waste of
+god-like powers.
+
+I could not honestly say that I think the sisters ever gave anything
+fine, or approximately fine, to one of their young slaves. They taught
+us, most efficiently, to work, to do what Americans call 'Chores.' No
+word they ever let fall gave a hint of any real conception of what
+life might or should mean. I recall nothing in the nature of an
+inspiration. Some of us, myself included, possessed considerable
+capacity for loving, for devotion. This latent faculty was never drawn
+upon, I think, by any of the sisters. We feared them, of course. We
+even respected their ability, strength, and authority. We certainly
+never loved them.
+
+In fact, I do not think it was ever hinted to one of us that there was
+anything beautiful in life. There were wonderful and miraculous things
+connected with the Virgin and the Infant Christ. But these were not of
+the world we knew, and, in any case, they were matters of which Father
+O'Malley possessed the key. They had nothing to do with the farm, with
+our work, or with us, outside the chapel. Heaven might be beautiful.
+There was another place that very certainly was horrible. Meantime,
+there was our own daily life, and that was--chores. That this should
+have been so means, in my present opinion, a lamentable waste of young
+life and of unique powers. I consider that our young lives were
+sterilised rather than developed, and that such sterilisation must
+have meant permanent and irrevocable loss for every one of the
+orphans, myself included.
+
+But I would be the last to deny the very real capacity and ability of
+the sisters in their discharge of the duties laid upon them. I have no
+doubt at all about it that they succeeded to admiration in doing what
+Father O'Malley and the powers behind him (whoever they may have been)
+desired done. I can well believe that the Orphanage justified itself
+from a utilitarian standpoint. I believe it paid well as a farm. And I
+do not see how any one could have extracted more in charity from the
+inhabitants of the district (and, too, from the orphans) than the
+sisters did. Oh, I give them all credit for their competence and
+efficiency.
+
+Indeed, I find it little less than wonderful to recall the manner in
+which the Sister-in-charge and her three assistants maintained the
+perfect discipline of that Orphanage, with never an appeal for the
+assistance of masculine brute force. The Australian-born boy is not by
+any means the most docile or meek of his species; and, occasionally, a
+newly arrived orphan would assert himself after the universal urchin
+fashion. Such minor outbreaks were never allowed to produce scenes,
+however. We had no intimidating executions; no birch-rods in pickle,
+or anything of that sort. Sister Agatha and Sister Catharine were
+given rather to slappings, pinchings, and the vicious tweaking of
+ears. I have seen Sister Agatha kick an orphan's bare toes, or his
+bare shin, with the toe of her boot; and at such times she could throw
+a formidable amount of venom into two or three words, spoken rather
+below than above the ordinary conversational pitch of her voice. But
+ceremonial floggings were unknown at St. Peter's. And indeed I can
+recall no breaches of discipline which seemed to demand any such
+punishment.
+
+The most usual form of punishment was the docking of a meal. We fed at
+three long tables, and sat upon forms. Meals were a fairly serious
+business, because we were always hungry. A boy who was reported to the
+Sister-in-charge, say, for some neglect of his work, would have his
+dinner stopped. In that case it would be his unhappy lot to stand with
+his hands penitentially crossed upon his chest, behind his place at
+table, while the rest of us wolfed our meal. By a refinement which, at
+the time, seemed to me very uncalled for, the culprit had to say
+grace, before and after the meal, aloud and separately from the rest
+of us.
+
+There were occasions upon which we were one and all found wanting.
+Eggs had been stolen, work had been badly done; something had happened
+for which no one culprit could be singled out, and all were held to
+blame. Upon such an occasion we were made to lay the dinner-tables as
+usual, and to wait upon the sisters at their own table, and for the
+rest of an hour to stand to attention, with hands crossed around the
+long tables. Then we cleared the tables and marched out to work, each
+nursing the vacuum within him, where dinner should have been, and,
+presumably, resolving to amend his wicked ways.
+
+Boys are, of course, curious creatures. I have said that we were
+always hungry. I think we were. And yet the staple of our breakfast
+(which never varied during the whole of my time there) was never once
+eaten by me, though I was repeatedly punished for leaving it. The dish
+was 'skilly,' or porridge of a kind, with which (except on the
+church's somewhat numerous fast-days) we were given treacle. The
+treacle I would lap up greedily, but at the porridge my gorge rose. I
+simply could not swallow it. Ordinary porridge I had always rather
+liked, but this ropy mess was beyond me; and, hungry though I was, I
+counted myself fortunate on those mornings when I was able to go empty
+away from the breakfast-table without punishment for leaving this
+detestable skilly. If Sister Agatha or Sister Catharine were on duty,
+it meant that I would have at least one spoonful forced into my mouth
+and held there till cold sweat bedewed my face. In addition there
+would be pinchings, slappings, and ear-tweakings--very painful, these
+last. And sometimes I would be reported, and docked of that day's
+dinner to boot. But Sister Mary would more often than not pass me by
+without a glance at my bowl, and for that I was profoundly grateful.
+In fact, I could almost have loved that good woman, but that she had a
+physical affliction which nauseated me. Her breath caused me to
+shudder whenever she approached me. She had a mild, cow-like eye,
+however, and I do not think I ever saw her kick a boy.
+
+Yes, when I look back upon that queer chapter of my life, I am bound
+to admit that, however much they may have neglected opportunities that
+were open to them, as moulders of human clay, those four sisters did
+accomplish rather wonderful results in ruling St. Peter's Orphanage,
+without any appeal to sheer force of arms. There were young men among
+us, yet the sisters' rule was never openly defied. I think the secret
+must have had to do chiefly with work and food. We were never idle, we
+were always hungry, and we never had any opportunities for relaxation.
+I never saw any kind of game played at the Orphanage; and on Sundays
+devotions of one kind or another were made to fill all intervals
+between the different necessary pieces of work, such as milking,
+feeding stock, cleaning, and so forth.
+
+We began the day at five o'clock in the summer, and six in the winter,
+and by eight at night all lights were out. We had lessons every day;
+and there, oddly enough, in school, the cane was adjudged necessary,
+as an engine of discipline, and used rather freely on our hands--hands,
+by the way, which were apt at any time to be a good deal
+chipped and scratched, and otherwise knocked about by our outdoor
+work. So far as I remember our schooling was of the most primitive
+sort, and confined to reading aloud, writing from dictation, and
+experimenting with the first four rules of arithmetic. History we did
+not touch, but we had to memorise the names of certain continents,
+capitals, and rivers, I remember.
+
+All this ought to have been the merest child's play for me; it
+certainly was a childish form of study. But I did not appear to pick
+up the trick of it, and I remember being told pretty frequently to
+'Hold out your hand, Nicholas!' I had a clumsy knack of injuring my
+finger-tips, and getting splinters into my hands, in the course of
+outdoor work. The splinters produced little gatherings, and I dare say
+this made penmanship awkward. I know it gave added terrors to the
+canings, and, too, I thought it gave added zest to Sister Agatha's use
+of that instrument in my case. Unfortunately for me Sister Agatha, and
+not the mild-eyed Sister Mary, was the schoolmistress.
+
+It may be, of course, that I lay undue stress upon the painful or
+unpleasant features of our life at the Orphanage, because I was
+unhappy there, and detested the place. But certainly if I could recall
+any brighter aspects of the life there I would set them down. I do not
+think there were any brighter aspects for me, at all events. I not
+only had no pride in myself here; I took shame in my lot.
+
+On the first Sunday in each month visitors were admitted. Any one at
+all could come, and many local folk did come. They made it a kind of
+excursion. I was glad that our devotions kept us a good deal out of
+the visitors' way, because, especially at first, I had a fear of
+recognising among them some one of the handful of people in Australia
+whom I might be said to have known--fellow-passengers by the
+_Ariadne_. The thought of being recognised as an 'inmate' by Nelly
+Fane was dreadful to me; and even more, I fancy, I dreaded the mere
+idea of being seen by Fred-without-a-surname. I pictured him grinning
+as he said: 'Hallo! you in this place? You an orphan, then?' I think I
+should have slain him with my wood-chopping axe.
+
+On these visitors' days we all wore boots and clothes which were never
+seen at other times. I hated mine most virulently, because they were
+not mine, but had been worn by some other boy before they came to me.
+It was never given to me to learn what became of the ample store of
+clothing I had on board the _Livorno_. The sisters were exceedingly
+thorough in detail. On the mornings of these visitors' Sundays, before
+going out to work, we 'dressed' our beds. That is to say we were given
+sheets, and made to arrange them neatly upon our beds. Before retiring
+at night we had to remove these sheets and refold them with exact
+care, under the sister's watchful eyes, so that they might be fresh
+and uncreased for next visitors' Sunday. We never saw them at any
+other times. Our boots really were rather a trial. Running about
+barefoot all day makes the feet swell and spread. It hardens them,
+certainly, but it makes the use of boots, and especially of hard,
+ill-fitting boots, abominably painful.
+
+And with it all, having said that I detested the place and was unhappy
+during all my time there, how is it I cannot leave the matter at that?
+For I cannot. I do not feel that I have truly and fully stated the
+case. It is not merely that I have made no attempt to follow my life
+there in detail. No such exhaustive and exhausting record is needed.
+But I do desire to set down here the essential facts of each phase in
+my life.
+
+I have referred already to the precociously developed trick I had of
+savouring life as a spectator, of observing myself as a figure in an
+illustrated romance--probably the hero. Now, as I am certain this
+habit was not entirely dropped during my life at St. Peter's, I think
+one must argue that I cannot have been entirely and uniformly unhappy
+there. Indeed, I am sure I was not, because I can distinctly remember
+luxuriating in my sadness. I can remember translating it into unspoken
+words, the while my head was cushioned in the flank of a cow at
+milking time, describing myself and my forlorn estate as an orphan and
+an 'inmate' to myself. And, without doubt, I derived satisfaction from
+that. I can recall picturesquely vivid contrasts drawn in my mind
+between Master Nicholas Freydon, as the playmate of Nelly Fane on the
+_Ariadne_, and the son of the distinguished-looking Mr. Freydon whom
+every one admired, and as the 'inmate' of St. Peter's, trudging to and
+fro among the other orphans, with corns on the palms of his hands and
+bruises and scratches on his bare legs and feet.
+
+And then when visitors were about: 'If they only knew,' 'If they could
+have seen,' 'If I were to tell them'--such phrases formed the
+beginning of many thoughts in my mind. I can remember endeavouring to
+mould my expression upon such occasions to fit the part I consciously
+played; to adopt the look I thought proper to the disinherited
+aristocrat, the gently-nurtured child now outcast in the world, the
+orphan. Yes, I distinctly remember, when a visitor of any parts at all
+was in sight, composing my features and attitude to suit the orphan's
+part, as distinguished from that of the mere typical 'inmate,' who,
+incidentally, was an orphan too. I found secret consolation in the
+conception that however much I might be in St. Peter's Orphanage, I
+would never be wholly of it--a real 'inmate' I remember, as I thought
+not unskilfully, scheming to arouse Sister Mary's interest in me, as I
+had aroused the interest of other people in myself on the _Ariadne_
+and elsewhere, and only relinquishing my pursuit when baffled, upon
+contact, by the poor sister's physical infirmity before-mentioned. I
+am bound to say that she made less response to my overtures than that
+made by the cows I milked, who really did show some mild, bovine
+preference for me.
+
+But there it is. In view of these things I cannot have been wholly
+unhappy, for I remained a keenly interested observer of life, and of
+my own meanderings on its stage. But I will say that I liked St.
+Peter's less than any other place I had known, and that mentally,
+morally, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as physically, I was
+rather starved there. The life of the place did arrest my development
+in all ways, I think, and it may be that I have suffered always, to
+some extent, from that period of insufficient nutrition of mind and
+body.
+
+
+III
+
+
+The custom of St. Peter's Orphanage was to allow farmers and local
+residents generally to choose an orphan, as they might pick out a
+heifer or a colt from a stockyard, and take him away for good--or ill.
+I believe the only stipulation was that the orphan could not in any
+case be returned to St. Peter's. If the selector found him to be a
+damaged or incomplete orphan, that was the selector's own affair, and
+he had to put up with his bargain as best he might. The person who
+chose an orphan in this way became responsible for the boy's
+maintenance while boyhood lasted, and I believe it was not customary
+to send out lads under the age of ten or twelve years. After a time
+the people who took these lads into their service were, theoretically,
+supposed to allow them some small wage, in addition to providing them
+with a home.
+
+It was rather a blow to my self-esteem, I remember, to see my
+companions being removed from the institution one by one as time ran
+on, and to note that nobody appeared to want me. I may have been
+somewhat less sturdy than the average run of 'inmates,' but I think we
+were all on the spare and lean side. It is possible, however, that in
+view of my father's legacy to St. Peter's, the authorities felt it
+incumbent upon them to keep me. The departure of a boy always had an
+unsettling effect upon me; and when, as happened now and again, an
+ex-inmate paid us a visit on a Sunday, possibly with members of the
+family with whom he worked, I was filled with yearning interest in the
+life of the world outside our island farm and workshop.
+
+But these yearnings of mine were quite vague; mere amorphous
+emanations of the mind, partaking of the nature of nostalgia, and
+giving birth to nothing in the shape of plans, nor even of definite
+desires. Then, suddenly, this vague uneasiness became the dominant
+factor in my daily life, as the result of one of those apparently
+haphazard chances upon which human progress and development so often
+seem to pivot.
+
+In the late afternoon of a visitors' Sunday, as I was making my way
+down to the milking-yard with a pail on either arm, my eyes fell upon
+the broad shoulders of a man who was leaning contemplatively over the
+slip-rails of the yard. The sight of those shoulders sent a thrill
+right through me; it touched the marrow of my spine. I, who had
+thought myself the most forlorn and friendless of orphans; I had a
+friend, and he was here before me. There was no need to see his face.
+I knew those shoulders.
+
+'Ted!' I cried. And positively I had to exercise deliberate
+self-restraint to prevent myself from rushing at our _Livorno_ friend and
+factotum, and flinging my arms about him, as in infantile days I had
+been wont to make embracing leaps at Amelia from the kitchen table of
+the house off Russell Square.
+
+'God spare me days! Is it you, then, chum?' exclaimed Ted, as he swung
+round on his high heels. (In those days the Sunday rig of men like Ted
+Reilly comprised much-polished, pointed-toe, elastic-side boots with
+very high heels, and voluminously 'bell-bottomed' trousers.) I rattled
+questions at him, as peas from a pea-shooter; and when I had laid
+aside my buckets he pumped away at my right arm, as though providing
+water to put a fire out.
+
+It seemed he had only that week returned to the district, after a long
+spell of wandering and desultory working in southern Queensland. No,
+he had not had time yet to go out to the _Livorno_, and he had not
+heard of my father's death--'Rest his soul for as good an' kindly a
+gentleman as ever walked!' And so--'Spare me days!'--I was an orphan
+at St. Peter's! The queer thing it was he had taken it into his head
+to be wandering that way, an' all, having nothing else to do to pass
+the time, like! How I blessed the casual ways of the man, the marked
+absence of 'Systum' in his character, that led him to make such
+excursions! He squatted beside me on his heels, whilst I, fearing
+admonition from above, got to work with my cows, and saw the rest of
+the milking gang started.
+
+Passionate disappointment swept across my mind when I learned that he
+had been several hours on the island before I saw him, and that it
+wanted now but ten minutes to five o'clock, the hour at which the punt
+made its last trip with visitors. And in almost the same moment joy
+shook and thrilled me as I realised the romantic hazard of our meeting
+at all, which was accentuated really by the narrowness of our margin
+of time. A matter of minutes and he would be gone. A matter of minutes
+and I should never have seen him at all. But that could not have been.
+I refused to contemplate a life at St. Peter's in which this
+inestimable amelioration (now nearly five minutes old) played no part.
+The hopeless emptiness of life at the Orphanage without a meeting with
+Ted was something altogether too harrowing to be dwelt upon. It could
+not have been borne.
+
+'You'll be here first thing next visitors' Sunday, Ted--first thing?'
+I charged him, as he rose in response to the puntman's bell. 'I
+couldn't stand it if you didn't come, Ted.'
+
+'Oh, I'll come, right enough, chum. But that's a month. Why, spare me
+days, surely I---'
+
+'You'll have to go, Ted. That's his last ring. Sister Agatha's
+looking. Don't seem to take much notice o' me, Ted, or she might-- Oh,
+good-bye, Ted! Don't seem to be noticing. Good-bye, good-bye!'
+
+My head was back in the cow's flank now, and very hot tears were
+running down my cheeks and into the milk-pail. My lip was cut under my
+front teeth, and--'Oh, Ted, first thing in the morning--don't forget
+the Sunday,' I implored, as he passed away, drawing one hand
+caressingly across my shoulder as he went.
+
+In a hazy, golden dream I finished my milking, staggering and swaying
+up to the dairy under my two brimming pails, and turned to the
+remaining tasks of the evening, longing for bed-time and liberty to
+review my amazing good fortune in privacy; thirsting for it, as a
+tippler for his liquor. I dared not think about it at all before
+bed-time. In some recondite way it seemed that would have been indecent,
+an exposure of my new treasure to the vulgar gaze. Now, it was
+securely locked away inside me, absolutely hidden. And there it must
+remain until, lights being doused, I could draw it out under the
+friendly cover of my coarse bed-clothes (after visiting-day sheets had
+been removed) and voluptuously abandon myself to it. Meantime, I moved
+among my fellows as one having possession of a talisman which raised
+him far above the cares and preoccupations of the common herd. I even
+looked forward with pleasure to the next day, to Monday! I should have
+no breakfast. Sister Agatha would be on duty. I should be pestered,
+and probably robbed of dinner, too. But what of that? The coming of
+that cheerless and hungry Monday would carry me forward one whole day
+toward the next visitors' Sunday, and--Ted.
+
+I had not begun yet to consider in any way the question of how seeing
+Ted could help me. Enough for me that I had seen him; that I had a
+friend; and that I should see him again. Indeed, even if I had had no
+hope of seeing him again, I still should have been thrilled through
+and through by the delicious kindliness, the romantic interest of the
+thought that, out there in the world beyond Myall Creek, I had a
+friend; a free and powerful man, moving about independently among the
+citizens of the great world, in which Sister Agatha was a mere nobody;
+in which all sorts of delightful things continually happened, in which
+task work was no more than one incident in a daily round compact of
+other interests, hazards, meetings, and--and of freedom.
+
+It was extraordinary the manner in which ten minutes in the society of
+a man, who would have been adjudged by many most uninspiring, had
+transformed me. It seemed the mere sight of this simple bushman, in
+his 'bell-bottomed' Sunday trousers, had lifted me up from a slough of
+hopeless inertia to a plane upon which life was a master musician, and
+all my veins the strings from which he drew his magic melodies.
+
+
+IV
+
+
+A week passed, and brought us to another Sunday. On this morning I
+stepped out of bed into the dimness of the dawn light, full of
+elation.
+
+'It's only seven weeks now to next visitors' day. In seven weeks I
+shall see Ted again. Seven times seven days--why, it's nothing,
+really,' I told myself.
+
+By this time I had devised a plan for helping Time on his way. It
+hardly commends itself to my mature judgment, but great satisfaction
+was derived from it at the time. It consisted merely of telling myself
+in so many words that a month comprised eight weeks. Thus, ostensibly,
+I had seven weeks to wait. But my secret self knew that the reality
+was incredibly better than that. Next Sunday, outwardly, I should have
+only six weeks to wait, the following Sunday only five. And then, a
+week later, with only a paltry four weeks to wait, my secret self
+would be thrilling with the knowledge that actually the day itself had
+come, and only an hour or so divided me from Ted. Childish, perhaps,
+but it comforted me greatly; and, to some extent, I have indulged the
+practice through life. With a mile to walk when tired, I have caught
+myself, even quite late in life, comforting myself with the absurd
+assurance that another 'couple of miles' would bring me to my
+destination! To the naturally sanguine temperament this particular
+folly would be impossible, though its antithesis is pretty frequently
+indulged in, I fancy.
+
+And so it was while going about my various duties, nursing the
+pretence that in seven more weeks I should see my friend again, that I
+came face to face with the man himself; then, after no more than one
+little week of waiting, and when no visitors at all were due. I
+gasped. Ted grinned cordially. Sister Mary was on duty. Ted showed her
+a note from Father O'Malley, and she nodded amiably. Thrice blessed
+goddess! Her fat, white face took on angelic qualities in my eyes. One
+little movement of her hooded head, and I was wafted from purgatory,
+not into heaven, but into a place which seemed to me more attractive,
+into the freedom of the outside world--Ted's world. Not that I was
+permitted to leave the island, but, until the time for evening
+milking, I was allowed to walk about the farm and talk at ease with
+Ted. By a further miracle of the goddess's complaisance I was
+permitted to ignore the Orphanage dinner that day, and intoxicate
+myself with Ted upon sandwiches and cakes and ginger-beer. That was a
+banquet, if you like!
+
+It seemed that Father O'Malley was quite well disposed toward Ted, and
+had even allowed him to make a little contribution (which he could ill
+spare) to the Orphanage funds. With what seemed to me transcendent
+audacity Ted had actually tried to adopt me, to take me into his
+service, as neighbouring farmers took other orphans from St. Peter's.
+This had been firmly but quite pleasantly declined; but Ted had been
+given permission to come and see me whenever he liked, on Sundays--upon
+any Sunday. I could have hugged the man. His achievement seemed
+to me little short of miraculous. I figured Ted manipulating threads
+by which nations are governed. To be able to bend to one's will august
+administrators, people like Father O'Malley! Truly, the world outside
+St. Peter's was a wondrous place, and the life of its free citizens a
+thing most delectable.
+
+We talked, but how we did talk, all through that sunny, windy Sunday!
+(A bright, dry westerly had been blowing for several days.) I gathered
+that Ted was in his customary condition of impecuniosity, and that,
+much against his inclination, it would be necessary for him to take a
+job somewhere before many days had passed; or else--and I saw, with a
+pang of desolate regret, that his own feeling favoured the
+alternative--to pack his swag and be off 'on the wallaby'; on the
+tramp, that is, putting in an occasional day's work, where this might
+offer, and sleeping in the bush. He was a born nomad. Even I had
+realised this. And he liked no other life so well as that of the
+'traveller,' which, in Australia, does not mean either a bagman or a
+tourist, but rather one who strolls through life carrying all his
+belongings on his back, working but very occasionally, and camping in
+a fresh spot every night.
+
+It required no great penetration upon Ted's part to see that I was
+weary of St. Peter's. (My first day at the Orphanage had brought me to
+that stage.)
+
+'Look here, mate,' he said, late in the afternoon. 'I've got pretty
+near thirty bob left, and a real good swag. Why not come with me, an'
+we'll swag it outer this into Queensland?'
+
+I drew a quick breath. It was an attractive offer for a boy in my
+position. But even then there was more of prudence and foresight in
+me, or possibly less of reckless courage and less of the born nomad,
+than Ted had.
+
+'But how could I get away?'
+
+'You can swim,' said Ted. 'I'd be waiting for ye at the wharf. We'd be
+outer reach by daybreak.'
+
+'And then, Ted, how should we live?' My superior prudence questioned
+him. I take it the difference in our upbringing and tradition spoke
+here.
+
+'Live! why, how does any one live on the wallaby? It's never hard to
+get a day's work, if ye want a few bob. Up in the station country they
+never refuse a man rations, anyway; it's in the town the trouble is.
+I've never gone short, travelling.'
+
+'I don't think I'd like begging for meals, Ted,' I said musingly. And
+in a moment I was wishing with all my heart I could withdraw the
+words. It seemed that, for the first time in all our acquaintance, I
+had hurt and offended this simple, good-hearted fellow.
+
+'Beggin', is it?' he cried, very visibly ruffled. 'I'd be sorry to ask
+ye to, for it's what I've never done in me life, an' never would.
+Would ye call a man a beggar for takin' a ration or a bitter 'baccy
+from a station store? Why, doesn't every traveller do the same? An',
+for that matter, can't a man always put in a day's work, gettin'
+firewood or what not, if he's a mind to? Ye needn't fear Ted Reilly'll
+ever come to beggin'!'
+
+In my eager anxiety to placate my only friend I almost accepted his
+offer. But not quite. Some little inherited difference held me back,
+perhaps. I wonder! At all events, the thing was dropped between us for
+the time; and, before he left, Ted promised he would tackle a bit of
+work a Myall Creek farmer had offered him--to clear a bush paddock of
+burrajong fern, which had poisoned some cattle. Thus, he would be able
+to come and see me again on the following Sunday. On that we parted;
+and, before I was half way through my milking, fear and regret
+oppressed me as with a physical nausea; fear that I might have lost my
+only friend, regret that I had not accepted his offer, and so won to
+freedom and the big world outside St. Peter's.
+
+The night that followed was one of the most unhappy spent by me at St.
+Peter's. My prudence appeared to me the merest poltroonery, my remark
+about 'begging' the most finicking absurdity, my failure to accept
+Ted's offer the most reckless and offensive stupidity. Evidently I was
+unworthy of any better lot than I had. I should live and die an
+'inmate' and a drudge. I deserved nothing else. In short, I was a very
+despicable lad, had probably lost the only friend I should ever have,
+and, certainly, I was very miserable.
+
+Monday brought some softening (helped by the fact that Sister Mary was
+on duty at breakfast-time, so that I escaped the addition of
+punishment to hunger), and, as the week wore slowly by, hope rose in
+my breast once more, and with it a return of what I now regard as the
+common-sense prescience which made me hesitate to adopt a swagman's
+life. I could not honestly say that I had any definite ideas as to
+another and more reputable sort of occupation or career. As yet, I had
+not. But I did vaguely feel that there would be derogation in becoming
+what my father would have called a 'tramp.'
+
+My father's memory, the question of what he would have thought of it,
+affected my attitude materially. He had accepted it as axiomatic, I
+thought, that his son must be a gentleman. My present lot as an
+'inmate' of St. Peter's hardly seemed to fit the axiom, somehow; and
+Ted, whatever I might think or say about 'beggin'' or the like, was
+all the friend I had or seemed likely to have, and a really good
+fellow at that. But withal a certain stubbornly resistant quality in
+me asserted that there would be a downward step for me, though not for
+Ted, or for any of my fellow orphans, in taking to the road; that the
+step might prove irrevocable, and that I ought not to take it. I dare
+say there was something of the snob in me. Anyhow, that was how I felt
+about it. Also, I remember deriving a certain comically stern sort of
+satisfaction from contemplation of the spectacle of myself, alone,
+unaided, declining to stoop, even though stooping should bring me
+freedom from the Orphanage! Yes, there was a certain egotistical
+satisfaction in that thought.
+
+Ted came to see me again on the next Sunday, but our day was far less
+cheery than its predecessor had been. We were good friends still, but
+there was a subtle constraint between us, as was proved by the fact
+that Ted did not again mention the suggestion of my taking to the road
+with him. Also, Ted was for the moment a wage-earner, working during
+fixed and regular hours for an employer; and I knew he hated that. In
+such case he felt as one of the mountain-bred brumbies (wild horses)
+of that countryside might be supposed to feel, when caught, branded,
+and forced between shafts.
+
+On the following Sunday Ted's downcast constraint was much more
+pronounced, and I saw plainly that my Sabbath visitor was on the eve
+of a breakaway. The name of the farmer for whom he had been working
+was Mannasseh Ford, and, having such a name, the man was always spoken
+of in just that way.
+
+'I pretty near bruk my back finishing Mannasseh Ford's paddick last
+night,' explained Ted moodily. 'There was three days' fair work left
+in it when I got there in the morning. But I meant gettin' shut of it,
+an' I did. Mannasseh Ford opened his eyes pretty wide when I called up
+for me money las' night, an' he looked over the paddick. Wanted to
+take me on regler, he did; pounder week an' all found, he said. I
+thanked him kindly, him an' his pounder week! Well, he said he'd make
+it twenty-five shillin', an' I thanked him for that.'
+
+Thanks clearly meant refusal with Ted, and I confess he rose higher in
+my esteem somehow, for the fact that he could actually refuse what to
+me seemed like wealth. I recalled the fact that my father had paid Ted
+exactly half this amount, and had found him quite willing to stay with
+us for half that again, or even for occasional tobacco money. Perhaps
+there was a mercenary vein in me at the time. I think it likely. The
+talk of my fellow orphans was largely of wages, and materialism
+dominated the atmosphere in which I lived. I know this refusal of
+twenty-five shillings a week and 'all found' struck me as tolerably
+reckless; splendid, in a way, but somewhat foolhardy, and I hinted as
+much to Ted.
+
+'Och, bother him an' his twenty-five shillin'!' said Ted. 'Just
+because I cleared his old paddick, he thinks I'm a workin' bullick. He
+offered me thirty shillin' after, if ye come to that; an' I told him
+he hadn't money enough in the bank to keep me. Neither has he.'
+
+'But, Ted,' I urged, 'why not? It's good money, and you've got to work
+somewhere.'
+
+'Aye,' said Ted, his constraint lifting for a moment to admit the
+right vagabondish twinkle into his blue eyes. 'Somewhere! An'
+sometimes. But not there, mate, an' not all the time, thank ye; not
+me. It's all right for Mannasseh Ford; but, spare me days, I'd sooner
+be in me grave.'
+
+I pondered this for a time, while a voice within me kept on repeating
+with sickening certainty: 'He's going away; he's going away. You've
+lost your friend; you've lost your friend.' And then, as one thrusts a
+foot into cold water before taking a plunge: 'Well, then, what shall
+you do, Ted?' I asked him. But, for the moment, I was not to have the
+plunge.
+
+'Oh, if ye come to that,' he said, weakly smiling, 'I've money in
+hand, an' to spare. Look at the wealth o' me.' And he drew out for my
+edification a little bundle of greasy one-pound notes, which, for me,
+certainly had a very substantial look. I knew instinctively that my
+friend wanted me to help him out by pursuing the inquiry; but for the
+time I shirked it, and we talked of other things. Later in the day I
+returned to it, as a moth to a candle, undeterred, partly impelled
+thereto, in fact, by the assured foreknowledge that the process would
+hurt.
+
+'But what will you do, Ted, now you've given up Mannasseh Ford? Will
+you take another job round the Creek here, or----'
+
+I paused, scanning my only friend's face, and seeing my loss of him
+writ plainly in his downcast eyes and half-shamed expression. (I am
+not sure but what there may have been more of the human boy, the
+child, in Ted, than in myself.)
+
+'Oh, well, mate,' he said haltingly, and then stopped altogether. He
+was drawing an intricate pattern in the dust with the blade of his
+pen-knife, a favourite pastime with bushmen. The pause was pregnant.
+At last he looked up with a toss of his head. 'Oh, come on, mate,' he
+said impatiently. 'Swim across to-night, an' we'll beat up Queensland
+way. I tell ye, travellin' 's fine. Ye've got no boss to say do this
+an' that. You goes y'r own way at y'r own gait. Ye'd better come.'
+
+'So you'll go, Ted. I knew you would,' I said, musing in my rather
+old-fashioned way. It seems a smallish matter enough now; but I know
+that at the time I was conscious of making a momentous sacrifice, of
+taking a step of epoch-making significance. Somehow, the very
+greatness of the sacrifice made me the more determined about it. I
+should lose my only friend, a devastating loss; and the more clearly I
+realised how naked this loss would leave me, the more convinced I felt
+that my decision was right. There is, of course, a kind of gluttony in
+self-denial; one's appetite for sacrifice, and particularly in youth,
+may be undeniably avid.
+
+'Well, I did try to stop,' he muttered, almost sullenly for him. And
+then, with that toss of his head, and the glimmering of a frank smile:
+'But I can't stick it. Humpin' a swag's about all I'm fit for, I
+reckon. You're right, too, it's no game for your father's son.' And
+here his kindly face lost all trace of anything but friendliness.
+'Only, what beats me is what in the world else can ye do, mewed up in
+this--this blessed work'us. That's what has me beat.'
+
+The crisis was passed, and with it the last of Ted's shamefaced
+constraint. It was admitted between us that he must be off again to
+his wandering, and that I must stay behind. And now Ted had no thought
+for anything but my welfare. There was no more awkwardness between us,
+but only the warmth of this good fellow's real affection, and the
+almost agreeable melancholy and self-righteous consciousness of wise
+denial which possessed me. Ted fumbled under his coat with a packet of
+some food he had brought me: 'Spare me days, the cats might give a lad
+a bit o' bread to his breakfast--drat 'em!'--and, finally pressed it
+into my hands, with injunctions to be careful in opening it, as he had
+put a scrap of writing in with it, for me to remember him by.
+
+And so we parted, with no shadow on our friendship, on the track down
+to the punt.
+
+But though my friend was gone, after these three Sunday visits, and I
+was alone again, the influence of his coming remained. I should not
+revert to the unhoping inertia of my previous state. Some instinct
+told me that. And the instinct was right. My curiosity had been too
+fully roused. My relationship to the world of people outside St.
+Peter's had been definitely re-established by the kindly, rather
+childlike, bushman, and would not again be allowed to lapse. The mere
+talk of swimming to the wharf, of cutting the painter, of walking
+forth into the real world which was not ruled by a Sister-in-charge--all
+this had wrought a permanent change in me.
+
+The 'scrap of writin'' fumblingly inserted into the packet of cakes was
+no writing of Ted's, but a crumpled, greasy one-pound Bank of New South
+Wales note; one of his little store, useless to me at St. Peter's--yes;
+but, even as my eyes pricked to the emotion of gratitude, some inner
+consciousness told me my friend's gift would yet prove of very real use
+to me outside the Orphanage, one day. And, before Ted came, I had been
+unable to descry any future outside the Orphanage.
+
+
+V
+
+
+I do not remember the exact period that elapsed between Ted's
+departure and the visit of the artist, Mr. Rawlence. But it must have
+been early winter when Ted was at Myall Creek, because my fifteenth
+birthday fell at about that time; and it was spring when Mr. Rawlence
+came, for I know the wattle was in bloom then. Very likely it was in
+August or September, three or four months after Ted's departure. At
+all events my mind was still much occupied by thoughts of the outside
+world and of my future.
+
+Some one had told me that a Sydney artist, a Mr. Rawlence, had
+permission to land on the island, as he wished to sketch there. But he
+had not been much about the house or the yards, and I had not seen
+him. And then, one late afternoon, when I had arrived at the
+milking-yards a few minutes before the others of the milking gang, I
+stood with two pails in my right hand, leaning over the slip-rails at the
+very spot upon which I had caught my first glimpse of Ted at St.
+Peter's. I was thinking of that Sunday when I had recognised his broad
+shoulders, and recalling the thrill that recognition had brought me.
+
+The romantic hazardousness of life had for some considerable time now
+made its appeal felt by me. It seemed infinitely curious and
+interesting to me that I and my father ever should have known Ted
+intimately, as one who shared our curious life on the _Livorno_; Ted
+who was born and bred there in Werrina; we who came there across
+thousands of miles of ocean from the world's far side, from Putney,
+from places whose names Ted had never heard. And then that I should
+have walked down to that milking-yard with my pails, and, so to say,
+stumbled upon Ted, after his long wanderings in Queensland, where at
+this moment he was probably wandering again, hundreds of miles away
+and, possibly, thinking of me, of that same milking-yard, of these
+identical slip-rails and splintery grey fence. A wonderful and
+mysterious business, this life in the great world, I thought; and with
+that I threw up my left hand to lift the rails down.
+
+'Oh, hold on! Don't move! Stay as you were a minute!'
+
+I jumped half out of my skin as these words, apparently spoken in my
+very ear, reached me; and, wheeling abruptly round, I saw a man
+wearing a very large grey felt hat, and holding pencils and a paper
+block in his hands, peering at me from a little wooded hummock at the
+end of the cowshed. The skin about his eyes was all puckered up, he
+held a pencil cross-wise between his white teeth, and was shaking his
+head from side to side as though very much put about over something.
+
+'What a pity! It's gone now,' he said, as he strode down the slope
+towards me.
+
+He clearly was disappointed about something; but yet I thought that
+never since the days when my father was with me had I heard any one
+speak more pleasantly, or seen any one smile in kindlier fashion.
+Later, I realised that no one I had met since my father's death
+possessed anything resembling the sort of manner, address, intonation,
+or mental attitude of this Mr. Rawlence. I had no theories then about
+social divisions, and the like; but here, I thought, was a man who
+would find nobody in the district having anything in common with
+himself. By the same token, I thought, had my father been alive this
+newcomer would have recognised a possible companion in him. And,
+finally, as Mr. Rawlence came to a standstill before me, this absurd
+reflection flitted through my mind:
+
+'If he only knew it, there's me! But he will never know--how could
+he?'
+
+The absurd vanity and audacity of the thought made me blush like a
+bashful schoolgirl. The ridiculous pretentiousness of the thought that
+in me, the 'inmate' of St. Peter's, this splendid person could find a
+companion, impressed me now so painfully that I felt it must be
+plainly visible; that the visitor must see and be scornfully amused by
+it. Yet, with really extraordinary cordiality, he was holding out his
+right hand in salutation. Here again my awkwardness made me bungle.
+What he meant by his gesture I could not think. Some amusing trick,
+perhaps. It did not occur to me in that moment of self-abasement that
+he wished to shake an 'inmate's' hand.
+
+'Won't you shake?' he asked, with that smile of his--so unlike any
+expression one saw on folks' faces at St. Peter's.
+
+'I beg your pardon,' I faltered, and gave him a limp hand, reviling
+myself inwardly for conduct which I felt would utterly and for ever
+condemn me in this gentleman's eyes. 'Of course,' I told myself,
+'he'll be thinking: "What can one expect from these unfortunate
+inmates--friendless orphans, living on charity?"' As a fact, I suppose
+no man's demeanour could have been less suggestive of any such
+uncharitable thought.
+
+'I suspect you thought it like my cheek, yelling at you like that. The
+fact is, I had just begun to sketch you. See!'
+
+He showed me his sketch-block, upon which I saw in outline the figure
+of a boy carrying pails and leaning over a fence. What chiefly caught
+my eye in this was the reproduction of my absurd trousers, one torn
+leg reaching midway down the calf, the other in jagged scallops about
+my knee. He might have idealised my rags a little, I thought, in my
+ignorance. No doubt I had been better pleased if Mr. Rawlence had
+endowed me in the sketch with the dress of, say, a smart clerk. And,
+apart from the artistic aspect, the man who would sniff at this as
+evidence of contemptible snobbishness in me, would take a more lenient
+view, perhaps, if he had ever spent a year or two in an orphanage like
+St. Peter's.
+
+'It has the makings of quite a good little character study, I fancy.
+Later on, when you're free--perhaps, to-morrow--I'll get you to give
+me half an hour, if you will, to make a real sketch of it.'
+
+It was in my mind that if only I could make a remark of the right kind
+I might immediately differentiate myself in this artist's eyes from
+the general run of 'inmates.' This again may have been an unworthy and
+snobbish thought, but I know it was mine at the time, based in my mind
+upon the unvoiced but profound conviction that I was different in
+essence from the other orphans. This was not mere conceit, I think,
+because it emanated rather from pride in my father than from any
+exalted opinion of myself. But, whatever the rights of it, no suitable
+remark came to me. Indeed, beyond an incoherent mumble over the
+hand-shaking, I might have been a mute for all the part I had so far
+taken in this interview. And just then I caught a glimpse of Sister
+Agatha emerging from behind the wood-stack at the end of the vegetable
+garden, and that gave me something else to think about.
+
+'Excuse me!' I said, angrily conscious that I was flushing again and
+that all my limbs were in my way, and that I was presenting a most
+uncouth appearance. 'I must get on with the milking.' And then I made
+my plunge. 'Perhaps you would speak to Sister-in-charge. Not this one
+here, but Sister-in-charge,' I hurriedly added as Sister Agatha drew
+nearer, her thin lips tightly compressed, her gimlet eyes full of
+promise of ear-tweakings. 'She would perhaps give me leave to--to do
+anything you wanted. I--I am sure she would. Good-bye!'
+
+Having hurriedly fired this last shot, I bolted into the milking-shed.
+Just for an instant I had succeeded in meeting Mr. Rawlence's eye. I
+had very much wanted to show him something, as, for example, that I
+would gladly do anything he liked, even to the extent of allowing him
+to trample all over me--if only I had been a free agent. In some way I
+had longed to claim kinship with him, in a humble fashion; to say that
+I understood him and his kind, despite my ragged trousers and scarred,
+dusty bare feet. Now, with a pail between my knees, and my head in a
+cow's flank, I was very sure I had utterly failed to convey anything,
+except that I was an uncouth creature. My eyes smarted from
+mortification; and the grotesque thought crossed my mind that if only
+I had had a photograph of my father, and could have shown it to Mr.
+Rawlence, the position would have been quite different! I suppose I
+must have been a rather fatuous youth. Also, I was obsessed to the
+point of mania by the determination not to become a veritable 'inmate'
+of St. Peter's, like my fellows there, however long I might be
+condemned to live in the place.
+
+During the next three days I was greatly depressed by the fact that I
+never caught a glimpse of the artist anywhere. In fact, it was said
+that he had gone away from Myall Creek altogether. And then, greatly
+to my secret joy, the Sister-in-charge sent for me one morning and
+said:
+
+'There is an artist gentleman coming here, Mr. Rawlence. You are to do
+whatever he tells you, and carry his things for him while he is here.
+Be careful now. I have word from Father O'Malley about this. Be sure
+you don't neglect your milking. You can tell the gentleman when you
+have to go to that. You can do some wood-chopping after tea, if he
+should want you in your chopping time. Run along now, and go over in
+the punt with Tim when he goes to meet the gentleman.'
+
+It would seem the good-will of the Great Powers had once more been
+invoked in connection with me; and I learned afterwards that Mr.
+Rawlence had not left the district, but had been staying in Werrina
+for a few days. While there, no doubt, he had met Father O'Malley, and
+very casually, I dare say, had mentioned his fancy for sketching me.
+At the time these trivial events stirred me deeply. That Father
+O'Malley should have been approached seemed to me a fact of high
+portent. If only I had had a portrait of my father!
+
+As Destiny ruled it, Mr. Rawlence spent but the one day at St.
+Peter's, in place of the enthralling vista of days, each of more
+romantic interest than its predecessor, of which I had dreamed. He had
+news demanding his return to Sydney; and, as he said, he ought not to
+have come out to St. Peter's even for this one day. But he wanted to
+complete his sketch. So that, in a sense, he really came to see me
+again. This radiant being's swift and important movements in the great
+world outside the Orphanage were directly influenced by me. It was a
+stirring thought, and went some way toward compensating me for the
+shattered vista of many days spent in leisurely attendance upon the
+man belonging to my father's order. It was thus I thought of him.
+
+I cannot of course recall every word spoken and every little event of
+that momentous day, and it would serve no useful purpose if I could.
+It was important for me, less by reason of anything remarkable in
+itself, than by virtue of what was going on in my own mind while I
+posed for Mr. Rawlence (possibly in more senses than one) and
+subsequently carried his paraphernalia for him, showed him his way
+about the island, and generally attended upon him. I had hoped that he
+would question me about my life before coming to St. Peter's, and he
+did. By this time I was at my ease with him, and I think I told my
+brief story intelligently. In any case, I interested him; so much I
+saw clearly and with satisfaction. I noted, too, that he was impressed
+by the name of the London newspaper with which my father had been
+connected before his determination to seek peace in the wilds.
+
+'H'm!' 'Ah!' 'Strange!' 'A recluse indeed!' 'And you think he had
+never seen this--St. Peter's, that is, when he wrote the letter
+arranging for you to come here? Well, to be sure, there was little
+choice, of course, little choice enough, and in such a lonely,
+isolated place.'
+
+I remember these among his exclamations and comments upon my story.
+And then he asked me what ideas I had about my future, and I told him,
+none. I also told him of Ted's visit and of his offer to me, and my
+refusal of it.
+
+'Yes,' he said, 'that was wise of you, I think; that certainly was
+best. In some countries now, in the Old World, one might advise you to
+stick to the country. But here-- Well, you know, there must be some
+real reason for the rapid growth of the Australian capital cities, and
+the comparative stagnation of the countryside. The more cultured
+people won't leave the capitals, and that affects country life. Yes,
+but why won't they leave the cities? They do in the Old World, for
+I've met 'em in the villages and country towns there. But why is it?'
+
+Mr. Rawlence could hardly have expected an answer from me; but part of
+his charm was that he made it seem, while he talked and I listened,
+that we were jointly discussing the subject of his monologue, and that
+he was much interested by my views. He had that air; his smile and his
+manner made one feel that.
+
+'Well, you know,' he continued, 'it must be partly the crude material
+difficulties which the actual and physical conditions of country life
+here present to educated people, and partly the fact that our country
+in Australia has got no traditions, no associations, no atmosphere. It
+is just a negation, a wilderness; not a rural civilisation, but a mere
+gap in civilisation. Pioneering is picturesque enough--in fiction. In
+fact, it permits of no leisure and no idealisation; and without those
+things----'
+
+Mr. Rawlence paused with outstretched hands, shrugging shoulders, and
+the smile of one who should say--'You understand, of course.' My
+modest contribution was in three words, delivered with emphatic
+gestures of acquiescence--'That's just it.'
+
+'Exactly,' resumed the artist. 'Without leisure, without time for
+anything outside the material things of life, where is your culture?
+Where is art? Where is romance? Where, in short, is civilisation? And
+so, as I say, I cannot advise you to stick to the country here. No,
+one really can't conscientiously advise that, you know.'
+
+A listener might fairly have supposed that I was a young gentleman of
+means who had sought advice as to the desirability of investing
+capital in rural New South Wales, and taking up, say, the pastoral
+life, in preference to a professional career in Sydney. I pinched my
+knees exultingly; perhaps to demonstrate to myself the fact that all
+this was no dream. It was I, the orphan, who was carrying on this
+thrilling conversation with an accomplished man of the world, a
+distinguished artist. I felt that Mr. Rawlence must clearly be a
+distinguished artist.
+
+'And so what--what would you advise me to do?' I asked when a pause
+came. And, immediately, I reproached myself, feeling that I had broken
+a delightful spell, and risked abruptly ending the most interesting
+conversation in which I ever took part. The words of my question had
+so crude a sound. They dragged our talk down to a lower plane, to a
+plane merely utilitarian, almost squalid by comparison with the
+roseate heights we had been easily skimming. That was how the sound of
+my own poor words struck me; but my companion was not so easily
+dashed. My crudity could not fret his accomplished _savoir-faire_.
+(Mr. Rawlence impressed me as the most finished man of the world I had
+ever met, with the single exception of my father; and, indeed, the
+Sydney artist did shine brightly beside the sort of people I had lived
+among of late.)
+
+'Well,' he said, with smiling thoughtfulness, 'I would advise you,
+when--when the time comes, to make your way to Sydney, and to--to work
+up a place for yourself there. Of course, there is your native
+country--England. Who knows? Some day, perhaps-- But, meantime, I
+think Sydney offers better chances than any other place in this
+country. Yes, I think so. Have you any special leanings? Is there any
+particular work that you are specially keen on?'
+
+Like a flash the thought passed through my mind: 'What a miserable
+creature I must be! There's nothing I particularly want to do. If he
+finds that out, there's an end to any interest in me, of course. Why
+haven't I thought of this before? What can I say?' And in the same
+moment, without appreciable pause, I was startled, but agreeably
+startled, to hear my own voice saying in quite an intelligent way:
+'Well, my father wrote, of course; his work was literary work,
+and--newspapers, you know.'
+
+I can answer for it that I had never till that moment given a single
+thought to any such notion as a literary career for myself. As well
+think of a prime minister's career, I should have thought. But, as I
+well remember, my very accent, intonation, and choice of words had all
+insensibly changed to fit, as I thought, the taste and habit of my new
+friend. And I felt it would be an extravagant folly to talk to him as
+I had talked with Ted, or as I talked with fellow orphans at St.
+Peter's, of 'pound-er-week-an'-all-found' jobs, or the 'good money'
+there was 'in carting,' or the fine careers that offered in connection
+with the construction of new railways. I had often been told you could
+not beat the job of cooking for a shearers' or a navvies' camp; and
+that a wideawake boy could earn 'good money' while learning it, as a
+rouseabout assistant. It seemed to me that there would have been
+something too absurdly incongruous in attempting to talk of such
+things to Mr. Rawlence. Hence, perhaps, my audacious suggestion of the
+literary career. There I might secure his interest. And, sure enough,
+I did.
+
+'Ah! to be sure, to be sure,' he said, nodding encouragingly. 'Well,
+with that in view, Sydney is practically the only place, you know.
+Mind you, I don't say it's easy, or that one could hope to make
+headway quickly; but gradually, gradually, a fellow could feel his way
+there, if anywhere in the colony. It is undoubtedly our centre of art
+and literature, and culture generally. At first you might have to do
+quite different sort of work; but, while doing it, you know, you could
+be always on the lookout, always feeling your way to better things.
+Sydney is, at all events, a capital city, you see. There is society in
+Sydney, in a metropolitan sense. There is culture. One is continually
+meeting interesting people who are doing interesting things. It's not
+Paris or London, you know, but----'
+
+He had a trick of using a radiant smile in place of articulation, by
+way of finishing a sentence; and I found it more eloquent than any
+words, and, to me, more subtly flattering. It said so clearly, and
+more tactfully than words: 'But you follow me, I see; I know _you_
+understand me.' And I felt with rare delight that I could and did
+follow this fascinating man, and understand all his airy allusions to
+things as far beyond the purview of my present life and prospect as
+the heavens are beyond the earth, or as Mr. Rawlence was above an
+'inmate' of St. Peter's. To a twentieth-century English artist, Mr.
+Rawlence might have seemed a shade crude, possibly rather pompous and
+affected, somewhat jejune and trite, perhaps. But our talk took place
+in the 'seventies of last century, in New South Wales. The Board
+School was a new invention in England, and in Australia there was
+quite a lot of bushranging still to come, and the arrival of
+transported convicts had but recently ceased.
+
+I have not attempted to set down anything like the whole of the talk
+between the artist and myself; rather, to indicate its quality. Much
+of it, I dare say, was trivial, and all of it would appear so in
+written form. Its effect upon me was altogether out of proportion to
+its real significance, no doubt. It was all new talk to me, but I
+admit it is not easy now to understand its profoundly stirring and
+inspiring influence. A casual phrase or two, for example, affected my
+thoughts for long months afterwards. Mr. Rawlence said:
+
+'There's an accomplishment coming into general use now that might help
+you enormously: phonography, shorthand-writing, you know. I am told it
+will mean a revolution in ordinary clerical work, and newspaper work
+already rests largely on it. The man who can write a hundred words a
+minute--I think that's about what they manage with it--will command a
+good post in any office, or on any newspaper, I should think. I should
+certainly learn shorthand, if I were you. Perhaps you could get them
+to introduce it here.'
+
+I thought of Sister Agatha, and pictured myself suggesting to her the
+introduction of shorthand into our curriculum in the Orphanage school.
+And at the same moment I recalled the occasions, only yesterday, upon
+which I had had to 'hold out' my hand to this bitterly enthusiastic
+wielder of the cane. My palms had purple weals on them at that moment,
+tough though they were from outdoor work. I clenched my hands
+involuntarily, and was thankful the artist could not see their palms.
+That would have been a horrid humiliation; the very thought of it made
+me flush. No, this shorthand would hardly be introduced at St.
+Peter's; but I would learn it, I thought, all the same; and in due
+course I did, to find (again in due course) that even the acquisition
+of this mystery hardly represented quite the infallible key to fame
+and fortune that Mr. Rawlence thought it in the 'seventies.
+
+But my attitude toward this sufficiently casual suggestion was typical
+of the immensely stirring and impressive influence which all the
+artist's talk of that day had upon me. It was undoubtedly most kindly
+of him to show all the interest he did in one from whom he could not
+by any stretch of the imagination be said to have anything to gain. We
+were quite old friends, he said, in his amiable way, by the time
+evening approached, and we began to pack up his paraphernalia. My
+crowning triumph came when, in leaving, he gave me his card, and wrote
+my full name down in his dainty little pocket-book.
+
+'When you do get to Sydney you must come and look me up without fail.
+My studio is at the address on the card, and I'm generally to be found
+there. Mind, I shall expect a call as soon as you arrive, and we will
+talk things over. I'm certain you'll reach Sydney, by and by. Like
+London, at home, you know, it's the magnet for all the ambitious here.
+Good-bye, and best of good luck!'
+
+'Mr. Charles Frederick Rawlence, Filson's House, Macquarie Street,
+Sydney,' was what I read on the card. And then, in very small type in
+one corner, 'Studio, 3rd Floor.'
+
+I think it had been the most vividly exciting day in my life up till
+then; and, though still an orphan, and officially an 'inmate,' I
+walked among the clouds that night; a giant among dwarfs and slaves by
+my way of it. Youth--aye, the immemorial magic of it was alive in my
+blood on this spring night, if you like; and not all the Sister
+Agathas in all the hierarchy of Rome had power to dull the wonder of
+it!
+
+
+VI
+
+
+'If it's to be done at all, why not now? There's nothing to be gained
+by waiting. I'm only wasting time.'
+
+Phrases of this sort formed the burden of all my thoughts for a number
+of weeks after my memorable 'day out' (as the servants say) with the
+Sydney artist. I no longer debated with myself at all the question as
+to whether or not I should leave the Orphanage. It would have seemed
+treachery to my new self, and in a way to Mr. Rawlence (my source of
+inspiration) to debate the point. It was quite certain then that I
+should take my fate into my own hands, leave St. Peter's, and make an
+attempt to win my way in the world alone.
+
+Having no belongings, no friends to consult, no possessions of any
+sort or kind (save Ted's one-pound note, and a neatly bound manuscript
+volume of bush botany, which latter treasure had been in my pocket on
+the day of my father's death, and so had remained mine), there really
+were no preparations for me to make. And so, as I said to myself a
+score of times a day: 'There's nothing to be gained by waiting.'
+Still, I waited, some underlying vein of prudence in me, or of
+cowardice, offering no reason--no reason against the move, no
+objection, but just negation, the inertia of that which is still. But,
+yes, I was most certainly going, and soon. That was my last waking
+thought every night when I dug my head into my straw pillow, and my
+first waking thought when I swung my feet down to the floor. I was
+going out into the world to make my own way.
+
+I was too closely engaged by the material aspect of my position to
+spare thoughts for its abstract quality. But, looking back from the
+cool greyness of later life, one sees a wistful pathos, and, too, a
+certain stirring fineness in the situation. And if that is so, how
+infinitely the pathos and the fineness are enhanced by this thought:
+Every day in the year, in every country in the world, some lad,
+somewhere, is gazing out toward life's horizon, just as I was, and
+telling himself, even as I did, that he must start out upon his
+individual journey; for him the most important of all the voyages ever
+undertaken since Adam and Eve set forth from their garden. I suppose
+it is rarely that a long distance train enters a London terminal but
+what one such lad steps forth from it, bent upon conquest, and, in how
+many cases, bound for defeat! Even of Sydney the same thing was and is
+true, on a numerically smaller scale.
+
+In all lands and in all times the outsetting is essentially the same:
+the same high hopes and brave determinations; the same profound
+conviction of uniqueness; the same perfectly true and justifiable
+inner knowledge that, for the individual, this journey is the most
+important in all history. In many cases, of course, there are a
+mother's tears, a father's blessing, and suchlike substitutes for the
+stirrup-cup. And, withal, in every single case, how absolutely alone
+the young voyager really is, and must be! For our scientists have not
+as yet discovered any means of precipitating the experience gleaned in
+one generation (or a thousand) into the hearts and minds of another
+generation. Circumstances differ vastly, of course; but the central
+facts are the same in every case; the traveller must always be alone.
+The adventure upon which he sets out, be he prince or pauper,
+university graduate or 'inmate' of St. Peter's, is one which cannot be
+delegated by him, or taken from him, for it is his own life; his and
+his alone, to make or to mar, to perfect or to botch, to cherish or to
+waste, to convert into a fruitful garden, or to relinquish, when his
+time comes, a sour and derelict plot of barrenness.
+
+And this tremendous undertaking, with all its infinite potentialities
+of good and evil, joy and agony, pride and despair, is in every
+country approached by somebody, by some one of our own kind, every
+single morning, and has been down through the ages since time began,
+and will be while time lasts. And there are folk who call modern life
+prosaic, dull, devoid of romance. Romance! Why, in the older lands
+there is hardly a foot of road space that has not been trodden at one
+time or another by youth or maid, in the crucial moment of setting out
+upon this amazing adventure. There are men and women who drum their
+fingers on a window-pane after breakfast of a morning, and yawn out
+their disgust at the empty dullness of life, the vacant boredom of
+another day. And within a mile of them, as like as not, some one is
+setting forth--lips compressed, brow knit--upon the great adventure.
+And, too, some one else is face to face with the other great
+adventure--the laying down of life. Somewhere close to us every single
+morning brings one or other, or both of these two incomparably
+romantic happenings.
+
+Truly, to confess ennui, or make complaint of the dullness of life, is
+to confess to a sort of creeping paralysis of the mind. To be weary is
+comprehensible enough. Yes, God knows I can understand the existence
+of weariness or exhaustion. To be bored even is natural enough, if one
+is bored by, say, forced inaction, or obligatory action of a futile,
+meaningless kind. But negative boredom; to be uninterested, not
+because adverse circumstances confine you to this or that barren and
+uncongenial milieu, but because you see nothing of interest in life as
+a whole; because life seems to you a dull, empty, or prosaic
+business--that argues a kind of blindness, a poverty of imagination,
+which amounts to disease, and, surely, to disease of a most humiliating
+sort.
+
+But this is digression of a sort I have not hitherto permitted myself
+in this record. To be precise, I should say, it is digression of a
+sort which up till now has, when detected, been religiously
+expunged--sent to feed my fire. Well, one has always pencils; the fire is
+generally at hand; we shall see. After all, a great deal of one's life
+is made up of digressions.
+
+
+VII
+
+
+In the summer-time there were sharks in Myall Creek, but I had never
+seen them there in the spring. It was, I think, still somewhere short
+of midnight when I stepped quietly out of the low window of the room I
+shared with seven other orphans. (The house was all of one storey.) I
+would have taken boots, but, excepting on visitors' Sundays, these
+were kept in a locked cupboard in the sisters' building. My outfit
+consisted of a comparatively whole pair of trousers--not those
+immortalised in Mr. Rawlence's sketch--a strong, short-sleeved shirt
+of hard, grey woollen stuff, a dilapidated waistcoat, a belt, my
+little book of bush flowers and trees, and my one-pound note. Oh, and
+an ancient grey felt hat with a large hole in the crown of it. That
+was all; but I dare say notable careers have been started upon less;
+in cash, if not in clothing.
+
+Beside the punt I hesitated for a few moments, half inclined to cross
+by that obvious means, and leave Tim to do the swimming by daylight.
+Finally, however, I slipped off my clothes, tied them in a bundle on
+my head, and stepped silently into the water, closely and interestedly
+observed by one of the Orphanage watch-dogs, chained beside the
+landing-stage. If he had barked, it would have been only from desire
+to come with me, in which case, to save trouble, I should probably
+have become guilty of dog-stealing. The dogs were all good friends of
+mine.
+
+The water was cold that spring night, but I was soon out of it, and
+using my shirt for a hard rub down in the scrub beside the creek
+wharf. As a precaution I had waited for a moonless night, and had made
+my exit with no more noise than was caused by one of the night birds
+or little beasts that visited our island. I had seen maps, and knew
+the compass bearings of the locality. My ultimate destination being
+Sydney, I turned to the southward, and stepped out briskly along the
+track leading towards Milton, and away from Werrina.
+
+That was the simple fashion of my outsetting into the world, and for a
+time I gave literally no thought at all to its real significance. My
+recognition of it as the beginning of the great adventure of
+independent life was temporarily obscured by my preoccupation with its
+detail.
+
+At the end of a silent hour or two, when I suppose half a dozen miles
+lay between myself and the Orphanage, the reflective faculties came
+into play again. I began to see my affair more clearly, and to see it
+whole, or pretty nearly so. From that point onward, I put in quite a
+good deal of steady thinking with regard to the future. I had two or
+three definite objects in view, and the first of these was to reach as
+quickly as possible some point not less than about fifty miles distant
+from Myall Creek, at which I could feel safe from any likely encounter
+with a chance traveller from that district.
+
+So much accomplished my plans represented in effect a pedestrian
+journey to Sydney. But I recognised that the journey might occupy some
+time, since, in the course of it, I was to earn money and then learn
+shorthand; the money, by way of working capital and insurance against
+accidents; the shorthand, to furnish my stock-in-trade and passport in
+the metropolitan world. So mine was not to be exactly a holiday
+walking tour. Yet I do not think any one could have set out upon a
+holiday tour with more of zest than I brought to my tramping. My mood
+was not of gaiety, rather it was one attuned to high and almost solemn
+emprise; but, yes, I was full of zest in my walking.
+
+An hour or so before daybreak I lay down on some dead fern at the foot
+of a huge and sombre red mahogany tree, where the track forked. It was
+partly that I wanted a rest, and partly that I was uncertain which
+track led to the township of Milton, where I purposed buying some food
+before any chance word of my flight from the Orphanage could have
+travelled so far. The authorities at the Orphanage were little likely
+to trouble themselves greatly over a runaway orphan; but I cherished a
+hazy idea that in my case the matter might be somehow a little
+different, in the same way that I had not been farmed out to any one
+in the district, possibly because in receiving me St. Peter's had also
+received some money, certainly more than could be represented by the
+cost of my maintenance. In any case, I did not want to take any
+unnecessary risks.
+
+Two minutes after lying down I was asleep. When I waked the sun was
+clear of the horizon, and I was partly covered over by dead bracken.
+The dawn hours had been chilly, and evidently I had grappled the fern
+leaves to me in my sleep, as one tugs a blanket over one's shoulder,
+without waking, when cold. While I was chuckling to myself over this,
+and picking the twigs from my clothes, I heard the pistol-like crack
+of a bullock whip, and then, quite near at hand, the cries of a
+'bullocky,' as they called the bullock-drivers thereabout, full of
+morning-time vehemence.
+
+'Woa, Darkey! Gee, Roan! Baldy, gee! Nigger! Strawberry! Gee, now,
+Punch! I'll ----y well trim you in a minute, me gentleman. Gee, Baldy;
+ye ----y cow, you!'
+
+It was thus the unseen bushman discoursed to his cattle, and in a
+minute or two the horns of his leaders, swaying slightly in their
+yoke, appeared at the bend of the track, the bolt-heads in the yoke
+shining like bosses of silver in the slanting rays of the new-risen
+sun. Clearly the wagon had been loaded overnight, for the huge
+tallow-wood log slung on it could hardly have been placed in its bed
+since sun-up.
+
+'I'm your ----y man, if it's Milton you want,' said the driver
+good-humouredly, in response to my inquiries. 'I'm taking this stick into
+the Milton saw-mill. ----y solid stick, eh? My oath, yes; there's not
+enough pipe in that feller to stick a ----y needle in. No, he ought to
+measure up pretty well, I reckon.' A pause for expectoration, and
+then: 'Livin' in Milton?'
+
+'No,' I told him, 'just travelling that way.' I flattered myself I had
+put just the right note of nonchalance into what I knew was a
+typically familiar sort of phrase. But the bullocky eyed me curiously,
+all the same, and I instantly made up my mind to part company with him
+at the earliest convenient moment.
+
+'You travel ----y light, sonny,' he said; 'but I suppose that's the
+easiest ----y way, when all's said.'
+
+'Yes,' I agreed, with fluent mendacity; 'I got tired of the swag, and
+I've not very far to go anyway.'
+
+'Ah! Where might ye be makin' for, then?'
+At this point I realised for the first time the grave disadvantages of
+redundance in speech, of unnecessary verbiage. There had been no
+earthly need for my last words, and now that my fatal fluency had
+found me out, for the life of me I could not think of the name of a
+likely place. At length, with clumsily affected carelessness, I had to
+say, 'Oh, just down south a bit from Milton.'
+
+'H'm! Port Lawson way, like?' suggested the curious bullocky.
+
+'Yes, that's it,' I said hurriedly. 'Port Lawson way.'
+
+'Ah, well, I've got a brother works in the ----y saw-mills there.
+Ye'll maybe know him--Jim Gray; big, slab-sided chap he is, with his
+nose sorter twisted like, where a ----y brumby colt kicked him when he
+was a kid. ----y good thing for him it was a brumby, or unshod,
+anyway; he'd a' bin in Queer Street else, I'm thinkin'. Jever meet him
+down that way?'
+
+I admitted that I never had, but promised to look out for him.
+
+'Aye, ye might,' said the bullocky. 'An', if ye see him, tell him ye
+met me--Bill's my name--Bill Gray, ye see--an' tell him-- Oh, tell him
+I said to mind his ----y p's an' q's, ye know, an' be good to his ----y
+self.'
+
+I readily promised that I would, and our conversation lapsed for a
+time, while Bill Gray filled his pipe, cutting the tobacco on the ball
+of his left thumb from a good-sized black plug. For the rest of our
+walk together, I used extreme circumspection, and was able to confine
+our desultory exchanges to such safe topics as the bullocks, the
+weather, the roads, and so forth, all favourite subjects with bushmen.
+And then, as we drew near the one street of the little township, there
+was the saw-mill, and my opportunity for bidding good-day to a too
+inquisitive companion.
+
+'So long, sonny,' said he, in response to my salutation. 'Take care of
+your ----y self.' (His favourite adjective had long ceased to have any
+meaning whatever for this good fellow. He now used it even as some
+ladies use inverted commas, or other commas, in writing. And
+sometimes, when he had occasion to use a word as long as, say,
+'impossible,' he would actually drag in the meaningless expletive as
+an interpolation between the first and second syllables of the longer
+word, as though he felt it a sinful waste of opportunities to allow so
+many good syllables to pass unburdened by a single enunciation of his
+master word.)
+
+
+VIII
+
+
+The freedom of the open road was infinitely delightful to me after the
+incessant task work of St. Peter's. And perhaps this, quite as much as
+the policy of getting well away from the Myall Creek district, was
+responsible for the fact that I held on my way, with never a pause for
+work of any sort, through a whole week. My lodging at night cost me
+nothing, of course; and the expenditure of something well under a
+shilling a day provided a far more generous dietary than that to which
+St. Peter's had accustomed me. I began to lay on flesh, and to feel
+strength growing in me.
+
+Mere living, the maintenance of existence, has always been cheap and
+easy in Australia, where an entirely outdoor life involves no hardship
+at any season. This fact has no doubt played an important part in the
+development of the Australian national character. The Australian
+national character is the English national character of, say, seventy
+or eighty years ago, subjected to isolation from all foreign
+influences, and to general conditions much easier and milder than
+those of England; given unlimited breathing-space, and freed from all
+pressure of confined population; cut off also, to a very great extent,
+from the influence of tradition and ancient institutions. For the
+lover of our British stock and the student of racial problems, I
+always think that Australia and its people offer a field of unique
+interest.
+
+I did not come upon Jim Gray, the slab-sided one, in Port Lawson, so
+was unable to bid him mind his ensanguined p's and q's. Indeed, up to
+this point, I sternly repressed my social instincts, and refrained, so
+far as might be, from entering into talk with any one. But after the
+third day I began to feel that my freedom was assured, and that the
+chances of meeting any one from the Orphanage neighbourhood were too
+remote to be worth considering. My tramping became then so much the
+more enjoyable, for the reason that I chatted with all and sundry who
+showed sociable inclinations, and at that time this included
+practically every wayfarer one met in rural Australia. (There has been
+no great change in this respect.)
+
+'The curse o' this country, my sonny boy,' said one red-bearded
+traveller whom I met and walked with for some miles, 'is the near-enough
+system. It's a great country, all right; whips o' room, good
+land, good climate, an' all the like o' that; but, you mark my words,
+the curse of it is the "near-enough" system--that an' the booze, o'
+course; but mainly it's the "near-enough" system, from the nail in
+your trousers in place of a brace button to the saplin's tied wi'
+green-hide in place of a gate, an' the bloomin' agitator in parliament
+in place of a gentleman. It's "near-enough" that crabs us, every time.
+Look at me! I owned a big store in Kempsey one time. You wouldn't
+think it to look at me, would ye? Well, an' I didn't booze, either.
+But it was "near-enough" in the accounts, an' "near-enough" in the
+buyin', an' "near-enough" in the prices, an'--here I am, barely makin'
+wages--worse wages than I paid counter hands--cuttin' sleepers. But I
+get me tucker out of it, an' me bitter 'baccy, an' that; an'---well,
+it's "near-enough," an' so I stick at it.'
+
+It was on a Sunday morning of delicious brightness and virginal
+freshness that I reached the irregularly spreading outskirts of
+Dursley, a pretty little town in Gloucester county, the appearance of
+which, as I approached it from the highest point of the long ridge
+upon whose lower slopes it lay, appealed to me most strongly. Though
+still small Dursley is an old town, for Australia. The figures against
+it in the gazetteers are not imposing: 'School of Arts, 1800 vols.,
+etc.--' But, even in the late 'seventies, it possessed that sort of
+smoothness, that comparative trimness and humanised air of comfort,
+which only the lapse of years can give. Your new settlement cannot
+have this attraction, no matter how prosperous or well laid out; and
+it is a quality which must always appeal especially to the native of
+an old, much-handled land, such as England. A newcomer from old
+Gloucester might have thought Dursley raw and new-looking enough, with
+its galvanised iron roofs and water-tanks, and its painted wooden
+houses, fences, and verandah posts. But in such a matter my standards
+had become largely Australian, no doubt. At all events, as I skirted
+the orchard fence of the most outlying residence of Dursley, I
+remember saying to myself aloud, as my habit was since I had taken to
+the road:
+
+'Now this Dursley is the sort of place I'd like to get a job in. I'd
+like to live here, till----'
+
+'H'm! Outer the mouths o' babes and suckerlings! Tssp! Well, I admire
+your perspicashon, youngfellermelad, anyhow, an' you can say I said
+so.'
+
+At the first sound of these words, apparently launched at me from out
+the _Ewigkeit_, I spun round on my bare heels in the loamy sand of the
+track, with a moving picture thought in my mind of little gnomes in
+pointed caps and leathern jerkins, with diminutive miner's picks in
+their hands, and a fancy for the occasional bestowal of magical gifts
+upon wandering mortals. The picture was gone in a second, of course;
+and I glared at the orchard fence as though that should make it
+transparent.
+
+'Higher up, sonny! Think of your arboracious ancestors, an' that
+sorter thing.'
+
+This time my ears gave me truer guidance as to the direction from
+which the voice came, and, looking up, I saw a man reclining at his
+ease upon a 'possum-skin rug, which was spread on a sort of platform
+set between the forked branches of a giant Australian cedar, fully
+thirty feet from the ground, and higher than the chimneys of the house
+near by. The man's head and face seemed to me as round and red as any
+apple, and what I could see of his figure suggested at least a
+comfortable tendency to stoutness. Whilst not at all the sort of
+person who would be described as an old man, or even elderly, the
+owner of the mysterious voice and round, red face had clearly passed
+that stage at which he would be spoken of by a stranger as a young
+man.
+
+'He doesn't look a bit like a tree-climber,' I thought. The girth of
+the great cedar prevented my seeing the species of ladder-stairway
+which had been built against its far side. I had breakfasted as the
+sun rose this fine Sunday morning, and walked no more than a couple of
+miles since, so that the majority of Dursley's inhabitants had
+probably not begun to think of breakfast yet. My 'arboracious'
+gentleman, anyhow, was still in his pyjamas, the pattern and colouring
+of which were, for that period, quite remarkably daring and bright.
+
+'Well, young peripatater, I suppose you're wondering now if I've got a
+tail, hey? No, sir, I am fundamentally innocent--virginacious, in
+fact. But, all the same, if you like to just go on peripatating till
+you get to my side gate, and then come straight along to this
+arboracious retreat, I will a tale unfold that may appeal greatly to
+your matutinatal fancy. So peri along, youngfellermelad, an' I'll come
+down to meet ye.'
+
+'All right, sir, I'll come,' I told him. And those were the first
+words I spoke to him, though he seemed already to have said a good
+deal to me.
+
+By this time I had become seized with the idea that here was what is
+called 'a character.' I had, as it were, caught on to the whimsical
+oddity of the man, and liked it. Indeed, he would have been a
+singularly dull dog who failed to recognise this man's quaint good-humour
+as something jolly and kindly and well-meaning. The gentleman
+spoke by the aid, not alone of his mouth, but of his small, bright,
+twinkling eyes, his twitching, almost hairless brows, his hands and
+shoulders, and his whole, rosy, clean-shaved, multitudinously lined,
+puckered, and dimpled face. And then his words; the extraordinary
+manner in which he twisted and juggled with the longer and less
+familiar of them--arboreal, peripatetic, matutinal, and the like! He
+had an entirely independent and original way of pronouncing very many
+words, and of converting certain phrases, such as 'young fellow my
+lad,' into a single word of many syllables. I never met any one who
+could so clearly convey hyphens (or dispense with them) by intonation.
+
+Having passed through a small gateway, I skirted the side of a
+comfortable-looking house of the spreading, bungalow type, with wide
+verandahs; and so, by way of a shaded path, arrived at the foot of the
+big cedar, just as the rosy-faced gentleman reached the ground from
+his stairway.
+
+'Well-timed, young peripatater,' he said, with a chuckling smile. I
+noticed as he reached the earth that he walked with a peculiar,
+rolling motion of the body. He certainly was stout. There were no
+angles about him anywhere, nothing but rotundity. Withal, and despite
+the curious, rotary gait, there was a suggestion of quickness and of
+well-balanced lightness about all his movements. His hands and feet I
+thought quite remarkably small. There was a short section of the bole
+of a large tree, with a flattened base, lying on the ground near the
+stairway. The gentleman subsided upon this airily, as though it had
+been made of eider-down, and, crossing his pyjamed legs, beamed upon
+me, where I stood before him.
+
+'Peripatacious by habit, what might your name be, youngfellermelad?'
+
+I told him, and he repeated it after me, twice, with a distinct
+licking of his lips, suggestive of the act of deliberate wine-tasting.
+
+'Good. Yes. Ah! Nicholas Freydon, Nick to his friends, no doubt. Quite
+a mellifluant name. Nicholas Freydon. Tssp! Very good. You'd hardly
+think now that my name was George Perkins, would you? Don't seem
+exactly right, does it?--not Perkins. But that's what it is; and it's
+a significacious name, too, in Dursley, let me tell you. But that's
+because of the meaning I've given to it. But for that, it's certainly
+an unnatural sort of a name for me. Perkins is a name for a thin man,
+with a pointed nose, no chin, a wisp of hair over his forehead, and an
+apron. Starch, rice, tapioca: a farinatuous name, of course. But there
+it is; it happens to be the name of Dursley's Omnigerentual and
+Omniferacious Agent, you see; and that's me. Tssp! Wharejercomefrom,
+Nickperry, or Peripatacious Nick?'
+
+The idea of using precautions with or attempting to deceive this
+rosily rotund 'character' seemed far-fetched and absurd. I not only
+told him I came from Myall Creek, but also named the Orphanage.
+
+'Ah! I'm an orphantulatory one myself. You absquatulated, I presume; a
+levantular movement at midnight--ran away, hey?'
+
+I admitted it, and Mr. Perkins nodded in a pleased way, as though
+discovering an accomplishment in me.
+
+'That's what I did, too; not from an orphanage, but from the paternal
+roof and shop. My father was a pedestrialatory specialist, a
+shoemaker, in fact, and brought me up for that profession. But I gave
+up pedestriality, finding omniferaciousness more in my line. Matter of
+temperment, of course--inward, like that, with an awl, you know, or
+outward, like that'--he swung his fat arms wide--'as an omnigerentual
+man of affairs: an Agent. I'm naturally omnigerentual; my father was
+awlicular or gimletular--like a centre-bit, y'know. Tssp! So you like
+Dursley, hey? Little town takes your fancy as you see it from the
+ridge? Kinduv cuddlesome and umbradewus, isn't it? Yes, I felt that
+way myself when I came here looking for pedestrial work--repairs a
+speciality, y' know. Whatsorterjobjerwant?'
+
+I found that Mr. Perkins usually wound up his remarks with a question
+which, irrespective of its length, was generally made to sound like
+one word. The habit affected me as the application of a spur affects a
+well-fed and not unwilling steed. I did not resent it, but it made me
+jump. On this occasion I explained to the best of my ability that I
+wanted whatever sort of job I could get, but preferably one that would
+permit of my doing a little work on my own account of an evening.
+
+'Ha! Applicacious and industrial--bettermentatious ambitions, hey?
+Quite right. No good sticking to the awlicular if you've anything
+of the embraceshunist in you.' He embraced his own ample bosom
+with wide-flung arms, as a London cabman might on a frosty
+morning. 'Man is naturally multivorous--when he's not a vegetable.
+Howjerliketerworkferme?'
+
+'Very much indeed,' said I, rising sharply to the spur.
+
+'H'm! Tssp!' It is not easy to convey in writing any adequate idea of
+this 'Tssp' sound. It seemed to be produced by pressing the tongue
+against the front teeth, the jaws being closed and the lips parted,
+and then sharply closing the lips while withdrawing the tongue inward.
+I am enabled to furnish this minutiae by reason of the fact that I
+deliberately practised Mr. Perkins's favourite habit before a
+looking-glass, to see how it was done. This was on the day after our
+first meeting. The habit was subtly characteristic of the man, because it
+was so suggestive of gustatory enthusiasm. He was for ever savouring
+the taste of life and of words, especially of words.
+
+'Well, as it happeneth, Nickperry, your desire for a job is curiously
+synchronacious with my need of a handy lad. My handy lad stopped being
+a lad yesterday morning, was married before dinner, and is now away
+connubialising--honeymoon. After which he goes into partnership with
+his father-in-law--greens an' fish. It's generally a mistake to make
+partnerial arrangements with relations, Nickperry--apt to bring about
+a combustuous staterthings. So I wanterandyladyersee.'
+
+'Yes, sir.'
+
+'My name is Mister Perkins, Nickperry, not "Sir."'
+
+'Yes, Mr. Perkins.'
+
+'That's better. I know you don't mean to be servileacious, but that
+English "sir" is--we don't like it in Australia, Nickperry. You are
+from the Old Country, aren't you?'
+
+I admitted it, and marvelled how Mr. Perkins could have known it.
+
+'H'm! Tssp! Fine ol' institootion the Old Country, but cert'nly a bit
+servileacious. D'jerknowhowtermilkercow?'
+
+'I've been milking four, night and morning, for over two years,
+s'--Mister Perkins,' I answered, with some pride.
+
+'Good for yez, Nickperry. Whataboutgardening?'
+
+'I worked in the garden every day at the Orphanage, s'--Mister
+Perkins.'
+
+Mr. Perkins smiled even more broadly than usual. 'It's "Mister" not
+"Smister" Perkins, Nickperry.'
+
+I smiled, and felt the colour rise in my face. (How I used to curse
+that girlish blushing habit!)
+
+'Tssp! Well, I see you can take a joke, anyway; an' that's even more
+important, really, than horticulturous knowledge. Tssp! There's my
+breakfast bell, an' I'm not dressed. Jus' come along this way,
+Nickperry.'
+
+In the neatly paved yard at the back of the house stood a
+well-conditioned cow, of the colour of a new-husked horse chestnut. She
+was peacefully chewing her cud, oblivious quite to the flight of time.
+Mr. Perkins ambled swiftly into the house, rolling out again, as it
+seemed within the second, as though he had bounced against an inner wall,
+and handing me a milk-pail.
+
+'Stool over there. Jus' milk the cow for me, Nickperry.
+Seeyagaindreckly!'
+
+And he was gone, having floated within doors, like a huge ball of
+thistledown on well-oiled castors. Next moment I heard his mellow,
+rotund voice again, several rooms away.
+
+'Sossidge! Sossidge! Whajerdoin'?' Then a pause. Then--'Keep brekfus'
+three minutes, Sossidge; I'm not dressed.'
+
+With a mind somewhat confused, I turned to the red cow, and my first
+task for Mr. Perkins. Bella--I learned subsequently that the cow, when
+a young heifer, had been given this name by Mr. Perkins, because she
+distinguished herself by bellowing incessantly for a whole night--proved
+a singularly amiable beast. I was light-handed, and a fair
+milker, I believe. Still, my hands were strange to Bella; yet she gave
+down her milk most generously, and, though standing in the open,
+without bail or leg-rope, never stirred till the foaming pail was
+three parts full, and her udder dry. It was something of a revelation
+to me, for our cows at St. Peter's had been rough scrub cattle, and
+had been left to pick up their own living for the most part; whereas
+Bella was aldermanic, a monument of placid satiety.
+
+I very carefully deposited the pail inside the scullery entrance, and
+withdrew then to a respectful distance, with Bella. Would this amazing
+Mr. Perkins engage me? There was no doubt in my mind that I hoped he
+would. I had seen practically nothing of the place, and my impressions
+of it must all have been produced by the personality of its owner, I
+suppose. But it did seem to me that this establishment possessed an
+atmosphere of cheery kindliness and jollity such as I had never before
+found about any residence. The contrast between this place and St.
+Peter's was extraordinarily striking. I wondered what Sister Agatha
+would have made of Mr. Perkins, or he of Sister Agatha. 'Acidulacious'
+was the word he would have applied to Sister Agatha, I thought, with a
+boy's readiness in mimicry; and I chuckled happily to myself in the
+thinking.
+
+
+IX
+
+
+While I stood in the yard cogitating, a woman whose white-spotted blue
+dress was for the most part covered by a very white apron emerged from
+the scullery door, holding one hand over her eyes to shade them from
+the morning sun.
+
+'Ha!' she said, in a managing tone; 'so you're the new lad, are you?'
+I smiled somewhat bashfully, this being a question I was not yet in a
+position to answer definitely. 'Well, you're to come into breakfast
+anyhow, and be sure and rub your boots on the-- Oh, you haven't any.
+Well, rub your feet, then. Come on! I must see to my fire.'
+
+So I followed her through the scullery (a spacious and airy place)
+into the kitchen, having first carefully rubbed the dust off my horny
+soles on the door-mat. And then, with a boy's ready adaptability in
+the matter of meals, I gave a good account of myself behind a plate of
+bacon and eggs, with plentiful bread and butter and tea, though I had
+broken my fast in the bush an hour or two earlier by polishing off the
+sketchy remains of the previous night's supper, washed down by water
+from a bright creek.
+
+Domestic capability was the quality most apparent in my breakfast
+companion. Her age, I should say, was nearer fifty than forty, but she
+was exceedingly well-preserved; and she was called, as she explained
+when we sat down, Mrs. Gabbitas. That in itself, I reflected, probably
+recommended her warmly to Mr. Perkins. (I guessed in advance that he
+might refer to the lady as the Gabbitacious one; and he did, more than
+once, in my hearing.)
+
+'Nick Freydon's your name, I'm told. Oh, well, that's all right then.'
+
+Mrs. Gabbitas always spoke, not alone as one having authority, but,
+and above all, as one who managed all affairs, things, and people
+within her reach, as indeed she did to a great extent. A most capable
+and managing woman was Mrs. Gabbitas. I adopted an air of marked
+deference towards her, I remember; in part from motives of policy, and
+partly too because her capability really impressed me. Before the
+bacon was finished we had become quite friendly. I had learned that my
+hostess had a full upper set of artificial teeth--quite a distinction
+in those days--and that on a certain occasion, I forget now at what
+exact period of her life, she had earned undying fame by being called
+upon by name, from the pulpit of her chapel, to rise in her place
+among the congregation and sing as a solo the anthem beginning: 'How
+beautiful upon the mountains!' I gathered now and later that this
+remarkable event formed in a sense the pivot upon which Mrs.
+Gabbitas's career turned. Having spent all her life in Australia, she
+had not been presented at Court; but, alone, unaccompanied, and from
+her place among the chapel congregation, she had, in answer to the
+minister's call, made one service historic by singing 'How beautiful
+upon the mountains!' It was a pious and pleasant memory, and I admit
+the story of it did add to her dignity in my eyes. Her false teeth,
+though admittedly a distinction at that period, did not precisely add
+to her dignity. They were somehow too mobile, too responsive in front
+to the forces of gravitation, for a talkative woman.
+
+'Has he given you a name yet?' she asked, as we rose from the table,
+giving her head a jerk as she spoke in the direction of the little
+pantry, in which I gathered there was a revolving hatch communicating
+with the dining-room.
+
+'Well, he called me "Nickperry,"' I said, 'or "Peripatacious Nick."'
+
+'Ah! Yes, that sounds like one of his,' she said, apparently weighing
+the name and myself, not without approval. 'There's nothing nor nobody
+he hasn't got some name for. He don't miscall me to me face, for I'd
+allow no person to do such. But in speakin' to Missis, I've heard him
+refer to me with some such nonsensical words as "Gabbitular" and
+"Gabbitaceous," or some such rubbish, although no one wouldn't ever
+think such a thing of me--nobody but him, that is. But he means no
+harm, y'know. There's no more vice in the man than--than in Bella
+there.'
+
+She pointed with a wooden spoon toward the open window, through which
+we could see the red cow, still contentedly chewing over the memories
+of her last meal.
+
+'No, there's no harm in him, or you may be sure I wouldn't be here;
+but he's a great character, is Mr. Perkins; a regler case, he is, an'
+no mistake. Well, this won't get my kitchen cleaned up--and Sunday
+morning, too! You might take out that bucket of ashes for me. You'll
+find the heap where they go down in the little yard behind the stable.
+There now! That's what comes o' talkin'! If I didden forget to ask a
+blessin', an' you an orphan, too, I believe! F'what we've received.
+Lor', make us truly thangful cry-say-carmen--Off you go!'
+
+Her eyes were screwed tightly shut while the words of the gabbled
+invocation passed her lips, and opened widely as, with its last
+mysterious syllables, she dropped the wooden spoon she had been
+holding and turned to her fire. The fire was always 'my' fire to
+worthy Mrs. Gabbitas. So was the kitchen, for that matter, the
+scullery, the pantry, and all the things that therein were. Indeed,
+she frequently spoke of 'my' dining-room table, bedrooms, silver,
+front hall, windows, and the like. Even the meals served to Mr. and
+Mrs. Perkins were, until eaten, 'my dining-room breakfast,' 'my
+dining-room tea,' and so forth.
+
+On my way back from the ash-heap with Mrs. Gabbitas's bucket, I almost
+collided with Mr. Perkins, as he rolled swiftly and silently into view
+from round the end of the rustic pergola, between the house yard and
+the big cedar.
+
+'Aha! The Peripatacious one! Tssp! Yes. Mrs. Perkins wants a word with
+you, youngfellermelad. Come on this way. She's on the front verandah.'
+
+I found myself involuntarily seeking to emulate Mr. Perkins's
+remarkable method of locomotion. But I might as well have sought to
+mimic an albatross or a balloon. It was not only his splendid
+rotundity which I lacked. The difference went far beyond that. He had
+oiled castors running on patent ball bearings, and I was but the
+ordinary pedestrian youth.
+
+We found Mrs. Perkins reclining on a couch on the front verandah, a
+very gaily coloured dust-rug covering the lower part of her figure.
+Like many people in Australia she could hardly be classified socially;
+or, perhaps, I should say she did not possess in any marked form the
+characteristics which in England are associated with this or that
+social grade. If there was nothing of the aristocrat about her, it
+might be said that she was not in the least typically 'middle-class';
+and I am sure the severest critic would have hesitated to say that
+hers were the manners, disposition, or outlook of any 'lower' class.
+Yet she had married an itinerant cobbler, or at best a
+'pedestrialatory specialist,' and, I am sure, without the smallest
+sense of taking a derogatory step.
+
+Mrs. Perkins was the more a revelation to me perhaps, because, as it
+happened, Mrs. Gabbitas had said nothing whatever about her. I learned
+presently that she had not stood upon her feet for more than ten
+years. I was never told the exact nature of the disease from which she
+suffered, but I know she had lost permanently the use of her legs, and
+that she was not allowed to sit up in a chair for more than an hour at
+a time. She never moved anywhere without her husband. He carried her
+from one room to another, and at times to different parts of the
+garden; always very skilfully, and without the slightest appearance of
+exertion. I think it likely she did not weigh more than six or seven
+stone. Whenever I saw her carried, there was always draped about her a
+gaily coloured rug or large shawl; and she was for ever smiling, or
+actually laughing, or making some quaintly humorous little remark. I
+wondered sometimes if she had borrowed her playfulness in speech from
+her husband, or if he had borrowed from her. I do not think I ever met
+a happier pair.
+
+'So here you are!' she said, as we drew near. Her tone suggested that
+my coming were the arrival of a very welcome and long-looked-for
+guest. 'You see, Nick, I am so lazy that I never go to any one; and
+people are so kind that every one comes to me, sooner or later.'
+
+I experienced a desire to do something graceful and chivalrous, and
+did nothing, I suspect, but grin awkwardly and shuffle my toes in the
+dust. It seemed to me clumsy and rude to stand erect before this
+crippled little lady, yet impossible to adopt any other attitude. Mr.
+Perkins had subsided, softly as a down cushion, on the edge of the
+verandah. But he had no angles, and I had no curves. Mr. Perkins
+removed his hat and caressingly polished that glistening orb, his
+head, with a large rainbow-hued handkerchief.
+
+'You see, Insect,' he said, beaming upon his wife, 'this young feller,
+Nickperry, an orphantual lad, as I explained, has taken a fancy to
+Dursley.'
+
+'And you've taken a fancy to Nickperry, I suppose--as you call him.'
+
+The master waved his fat arms to demonstrate his aloofness from
+fancies. 'Well, we want a new handy lad,' he said; 'and this
+peripatacious young chap comes strolling along just as Bella wants
+milking. The Gabbitual one says he's all right.' This is an elaborate
+stage aside.
+
+'And how did Bella behave, Nick?' asked the mistress.
+
+'She gave down her milk very nicely--madam,' I said, conscious of a
+blush over the matter of addressing this little lady.
+
+'Merely a passing weakness for the servileacious, inherited from
+feudalising ancestors,' said Mr. Perkins in an explanatory tone to his
+wife. And then to me: 'This is Missis Perkins, Nickperry, not "Madam."
+When you want to speak to the Missis, you must always come and find
+her, because she don't get about much, do you, Pig-an'-Whistle?'
+
+One of the points of difference between husband and wife, in their
+spoken whimsicalities, was that the man had no sense of shame and the
+wife had. Mr. Perkins was no respecter of persons. He would have
+addressed his wife as 'Blow-fly,' or 'Sossidge,' or 'Piggins,' or by
+any of the ridiculous names of the sort that he affected, in the
+presence of the queen or his own handy lad. I have overheard similar
+expressions of playful ribaldry upon his wife's lips many a time, but
+never when I was obviously and officially in their presence.
+
+'And what about pay, Nickperry? How do you stand now on the wages
+question? What did the Drooper start on, Whizz?' This last question
+was addressed to Mrs. Perkins, whose real name, as I learned later--never
+once heard upon her husband's lips--was Isabel.
+
+'Eight shillings,' replied Mrs. Perkins. 'But, of course, wages have
+risen a good bit since then.'
+
+'Yes, yes; the gas of the agitators does sometimes serve to inflate
+wages; I'll say that for the beggars. What do you say, Nickperry?'
+
+'Well, si--Mister Perkins----'
+
+'He always calls me "Smister." It's a friendly way they have in
+England, like the eye-glass and the turned-up trousers.'
+
+In her smile Mrs. Perkins managed to convey merriment, sympathy for me
+as the person chaffed, and humorous disapproval of her husband. I
+would gladly have worked for her for nothing, for admiration of her
+bright eyes.
+
+'I was going to say that I'd be willing to work for whatever you
+liked, till you saw whether I suited you or not,' I managed to
+explain.
+
+Mrs. Perkins nodded approvingly, and her husband said: 'That's a very
+fair offer. You have an engagious way with you, Nickperry; and so
+we'll engage you at ten bob and all found for a start. How's that,
+Whizkers?'
+
+The mistress assented pleasantly, and added: 'You'll tell Mrs.
+Gabbitas to see to the room, George, won't you, and--and to give
+Nickperry what he needs? She will understand. I dare say he'd like a
+bath.'
+
+I blushed red-hot at this, but Mrs. Perkins kindly refrained from
+looking my way, and the interview ended. Then, like a dinghy in the
+wake of a galleon, I followed my new employer to the rearward parts of
+the establishment.
+
+
+X
+
+
+I used to tell Heron, and others who came into my later life, that the
+happiest days I ever knew were the 'ten bob a week and all found' days
+of my handy-lad time. It was very likely true, I think; though really
+it is next door to impossible for any man to tell which period in his
+life has been the more happy; and especially is this so in the case of
+the type of man who finds more interest in the past than in the
+future. The other side of the road always will be the cleaner, the
+trees on the far side of the hill will always be the greener, for a
+great many of us. Any other time seems preferable before the present
+moment, to some folk; and to many, times past are in every sense
+superior to anything the future can have to offer.
+
+At all events I was fortunate in the matter of my first situation, and
+I was contented in it, being satisfied that it was an excellent means
+to an end which I had decided should be very fine indeed.
+
+I have never yet been able to make up my mind whether I am like or
+unlike to the majority of mankind in this: with me every phase of
+life, every occupation, every effort, almost every act and thought
+have been regarded, not upon their own merits or in relation to
+themselves, but as means to ends. The ends, it always appeared, would
+prove eminently desirable; they would give me my reward. The ends,
+once they were attained, would certainly bring me peace, happiness,
+fame, health, enjoyment, leisure, monetary gain, or whatever it was
+they were designed to bring. I am still uncertain whether or not the
+bulk of my fellow-men are similarly constituted; but I am tolerably
+certain that one misses a great deal in life as the result of having
+this kind of a mind.
+
+To a great extent, for example, one misses whatever may be desirable
+in the one moment of time of which we are all sure--the present. One
+is not spared the worries and anxieties of the present, because they
+seem to have their definite bearing upon the end in view. But the
+good, the sound sweetness of the present, when it chances to be there,
+so far from cherishing and savouring every fraction of it, we spare it
+no more than a hurried smile in passing, as a trifling incident of our
+progress toward the grand end which (just then) we have in view. And
+how often time proves the end a thing which never actually draws one
+breath of life; a mere embryo, a phantom, vaporous product of our own
+imagination! So that for one, two, or fifty years, as the case may be,
+we have derived no benefit from a number of tangible good things, by
+reason of our strenuous pursuit of a shadow.
+
+Is this a peculiar disease, or am I merely noting a characteristic of
+my own which is also a characteristic of the age in which I have
+lived? I wonder! It is, at all events, a way of living which involves
+a rather tragical waste of the good red stuff of life; and, yes, upon
+the whole it is a form of restless waste and extravagance which I
+fancy is far from rare among the thinking men and women of my time.
+They do not travel; they hurry from one place to another. They do not
+enjoy; they pursue enjoyment. They do not rest; they arrange very
+elaborately, cleverly, strenuously to catch rest--and miss it. Is it
+not possible that some of us do not live, but use up all the time at
+our disposal in sweating, toiling, scheming preparation for the
+particular sort of life we think would suit us; the kind of life we
+are aiming at; the end, in fact, in pursuit of which we expend and
+exhaust our whole share of life as a means?
+
+Though these things strike me now, it is needless to say they formed
+no part of my mental outlook in Dursley.
+
+As is often the case in Australian homes, the colony of out-buildings
+upon Mr. Perkins's premises at Dursley was more extensive than the
+parent building. Between the main house and the stable, with all its
+attendant minor sheds and lean-to, was a long, low-roofed wooden
+structure, divided into dairy, wash-house, tool-room, workshop, and,
+at the end farthest from the dairy, what is called a 'man's room.'
+This latter apartment was now my private sanctuary, entered by nobody
+else, unless at my invitation. I grew quite fond of this little room,
+which measured eight feet by twelve feet, and had a window looking
+down the ridge and across the creek to Dursley in its valley and the
+wooded hills beyond.
+
+I had no lamp in my sanctuary, and no fireplace. But the climate of
+New South Wales is kindly, and, when one is used to it and one's eyes
+are young, the light of a single candle is surprisingly satisfying.
+That, at all events, was the light by which I mastered the intricacies
+of Pitman's system of shorthand, besides reading most of the volumes
+in Dursley's School of Arts library. The reading I accomplished in
+bed; the shorthand studies on the top of a packing-case which hailed
+originally from a match factory in east London, and doubtless had
+contained the curious little cylindrical cardboard boxes of wax
+vestas, stamped with a sort of tartan plaid pattern, that are seen so
+far as I know only in Australia, though made in England.
+
+At first, like others who have trodden the same thorny path, I went
+ahead swimmingly with my shorthand, confining myself to the writing of
+it on the packing-case. Being at the end of the current bed-book (it
+was Charles Reade's _Griffith Gaunt_) I took my latest masterpiece of
+shorthand to bed with me one night, only to find that I could barely
+read one word in ten. That was a rather perturbed and unhappy night,
+and my progress thereafter was a somewhat slower and more laborious
+process.
+
+The habit of rising with the sun was now fairly engrained in me. At
+about daybreak then my first duties would take me to the wood-heap,
+with axe and saw, and subsequently to the scullery with a heaped
+barrow-load of fuel for the day. Arrived there I polished the
+household's boots and knives, washed my hands at Mrs. Gabbitas's
+immaculate sink--a more scrupulously clean housewife I have yet to
+meet--and proceeded to the feeding and milking of Bella. Then I fed
+the horse, cleared out the stable, spruced myself up, and so to
+breakfast with 'The Gabbitular One.' Three meat meals and two
+snacks--'the eleven o'clock' and 'the four o'clock'--were the order of
+the day in this establishment. The snacks consisted of tea, which was
+also served at every meal, including dinner, and scones and butter; the
+meals included always some sort of flesh food and varying adjuncts.
+After the lean dietary of St. Peter's this regime seemed almost
+startling to me at first, a thing which could hardly be expected to
+last. But I adapted myself to it without difficulty or complaint, and
+thrived upon it greatly.
+
+During the day my main work was the cultivation of the garden, and the
+care of the front lawn, in which Mr. Perkins took a very special pride
+and interest; chiefly, I think, because it was the foreground of his
+wife's daily outlook. But the routine work of the garden, which always
+was demanding a little more time than one had to spare for it, was
+subject, of course, to interruptions. I did the churning twice a week,
+and Mrs. Gabbitas the 'working' and 'making up' of the butter. And
+there were other matters, including occasional errands to the town--a
+message for a storekeeper, or a note for the master at his office.
+
+Over the entrance to this office of Mr. Perkins's hung a huge board on
+which were boldly painted in red letters on a white ground the name of
+George Perkins, and the impressive words--'Dursley's Omnigerentual and
+Omniferacious Agent.' It really was a remarkable notice-board, and
+residents invariably pointed it out to visitors as one of the sights
+of the town. Indeed, Dursley was very proud of its Omniferacious
+Agent, who for three successive years now had been also its mayor.
+
+But I gathered from veteran gossips in the town's one street that this
+had not always been so. Mr. Perkins had originally arrived in the town
+but very slightly more burdened with worldly gear than I was. The
+tools of his craft as a cobbler had left room enough in one bundle for
+the rest of his property. Dursley did not want a cobbler at that time,
+I gathered; so in this respect Mr. Perkins had been less fortunate
+than I was; for when I arrived some one had wanted a handy lad.
+However, what proved more to the point was the fact that the cobbler
+did want Dursley. He stayed long enough to teach the townsfolk to
+appreciate him as a cobbler of boots--and of affairs, of threatened
+legal proceedings, frayed friendships, and the like. And then, for
+some months prior to a general election, the cobbler edited the local
+weekly newspaper, and was largely instrumental in returning the
+Dursley-born candidate to parliament, in place of an interfering
+upstart from Kempsey way. It was not at all a question of politics,
+but of Dursley and its interests.
+
+By this time Mr. Perkins had gone some way towards Omniferacious
+Agenthood. He had very successfully negotiated sundry sales and
+purchases for townsmen, who shared that disinclination to call in
+conventionally recognised professional assistance which I have often
+noticed in rural Australia. Then he married the daughter of the
+newspaper proprietor, whose brother was one of Dursley's leading
+storekeepers. Everybody now liked him, except a few crotchety or petty
+souls, who, not understanding him, suspected him of ridiculing or
+exposing them in some way, and in any case mistrusted his jollity, his
+success, and his popularity. Even in the beginning, before the famous
+notice-board was thought of, and while Mr. Perkins's work was yet
+'awlicular,' I gathered that several old residents had set their faces
+firmly against this invincibly merry fellow, and done all they could
+to 'keep him in his place.'
+
+And now he bought and sold for them: their houses, land, timber,
+fruit, produce, live-stock, and property of every sort and kind,
+making a larger income than most of them in the doing of it, and
+accomplishing all this purely by force of his personality. He
+succeeded where others failed, because so few could help liking him;
+and if he failed but seldom in anything he undertook, that was
+probably due in part to the fact that he never thought and never spoke
+of failure, preferring always as topics more cheerful matters. His
+wife had become a permanent invalid very shortly after their marriage,
+yet no person could possibly have made the mistake of thinking George
+Perkins's marriage a failure. I doubt if a happier married pair could
+have been found in Australia.
+
+The meal we called tea (though we drank tea at every other meal) was
+partaken of by Mrs. Gabbitas and myself at half-past five, and by Mr.
+and Mrs. Perkins at six o'clock. I was given to understand at the
+outset that no work was expected of me after tea. Once or twice of a
+summer evening I went out into the garden to perform some trifling
+task I had overlooked, and upon being seen there by Mr. Perkins was
+saluted with some such remark as:
+
+'Stealing time, Nickperry, stealing time! You an' me'll fall out, my
+friend, if you can't manage to keep proper working hours.
+Applicatiousness is all very well, but stealing time after tea is
+gluttish and greedular, and must be put down with an iron hand, with
+an iron hand, Nickperry. Tssp! Howzashorthandgetnon?'
+
+Before expelling the last interrogative omnibus word, he would clench
+one fat fist and knead the air downward with it, to illustrate the
+process of putting down greediness with an iron hand.
+
+I saw comparatively little of him, of course, owing to his
+preoccupation with business, his own and that of Dursley and most of
+its inhabitants; but we were excellent good friends, and it was rarely
+that he missed his Sunday morning walk round the whole place with me,
+when my week's work would be passed in more or less humorous review,
+and the programme for the next week discussed. After this tour of
+inspection I generally went to church, and the afternoon I almost
+invariably spent in my room over the packing-case. That is a period
+which many people give to letter-writing, and it is queer to recall
+the fact that, so far as I can remember, I had written only two
+letters in my life up to this period--one to a Sydney bookseller,
+whose address I got from Mr. Perkins, and one to Mr. Rawlence, the
+Sydney artist, to tell him of my present position, and to say that I
+had made a start upon shorthand. His kindly and encouraging reply was,
+I think, the first letter I ever received through the post. But I now
+began to write letters by the score, addressed to imaginary
+correspondents, and based in style upon my studies of correspondence
+in various books. These epistles, however, all ended their brief
+careers under the kindling wood in Mrs. Gabbitas's kitchen grate.
+
+'Applicatious and industrial, with bettermentatious ambitions,' Mr.
+Perkins had said of me within a few moments of our first meeting, and
+at this period I think I justified the sense of his comment. My daily
+work was pleasant enough, of course, healthy and not fatiguing. Still,
+it was perhaps odd in a youth of my age that I should have had no
+desire for recreation or amusement. My study of shorthand did not
+interest me in the faintest degree; but I was greatly interested by my
+growing mastery of it, because I thought of the mastery of shorthand,
+as Mr. Rawlence had described it, as a very valuable means to an end,
+to various ends. I thought of it, in short, as the key which should
+open Sydney's doors to me; for, happy as my life was in Dursley, I
+never regarded it in any other light than as a useful preliminary to
+the next stage of my career. And that again, from all I have since
+been told, was hardly an attitude proper to my years.
+
+It certainly was not due to any conscious discontent with my life and
+work in Dursley. I must suppose it was the beginning of that restless
+temperamental itch which all through life has made me regard
+everything I did as no more than the necessary prelude to some more or
+less vague thing I meant presently to do, which should be much better
+worth doing. A praiseworthy doctrine I have heard it called. It may
+be. But I would like to be able to warn all and sundry who cultivate
+or inculcate it in this present century, that the margin between it
+and the wastefully extravagant body and soul-devouring restlessness
+which I sometimes think the key-note of our time--the margin is a
+perilously slender one.
+
+
+XI
+
+
+Every day the _Sydney Morning Herald_ was delivered at the Perkins's
+establishment, and every evening it reached the kitchen at tea-time.
+Mrs. Gabbitas regarded it as a very useful journal for fire-lighting
+purposes, but having no other interest in it was quite agreeable to
+its being out-of-date by one day when it reached her hands. Thus the
+daily newspaper became my perquisite each evening, to be returned
+faithfully in the morning with the day's supply of fuel, in order that
+it might duly fulfil its higher and more serviceable destiny in Mrs.
+Gabbitas's stove.
+
+For quite a long time I never scanned the news columns of that really
+admirable newspaper. I might have thought that their perusal would
+have been helpful to me, especially as I cherished vague ideas of one
+day earning my living in a newspaper office. But, for the time, my
+mind was too much occupied with thoughts of another means to an
+end--shorthand. The longest chunks of unbroken letterpress were the
+leading articles. For months I never looked beyond them, and never
+stopped short of copying out at least one column of them, and often more,
+especially in those misguided early days before I awoke to the stern
+necessity of reading over every written line of shorthand.
+
+I am afraid the leader-writers' eloquence and style--real and
+ever-present features in this journal's pages--were entirely wasted upon
+me. I copied them with slavish lack of thought, intent only on my
+shorthand, and most generally upon the physical difficulty of keeping
+my eyes open. I invariably fell asleep three or four times before
+finishing my allotted task, and only managed to keep awake for the
+reading of it by standing erect beside the packing-case and reading
+aloud. How it would have astonished those gifted leader-writers if
+they could have walked past, overheard me, and recognised in my
+halting, drowsy declamation their own well-rounded periods!
+
+As I read the last word my spirits always rose instantly, and my
+craving for sleep left me. With keen anticipatory pleasure I would
+fold up the newspaper ready for the morning, take one look out from
+the doorway to note the weather, shed my clothes, snuff the candle,
+and climb luxuriously into bed with the current book, whatever it
+might be. No newspaper for me. This was real reading, and while I read
+in bed (travel, biography, and fiction) I lived exclusively in the
+life my author depicted. Vanished utterly for me were Dursley and its
+worthy folk, and Australia too for that matter. Practically all the
+books I read carried me to the Old World, and most often to England,
+which for me was rapidly becoming a synonym for romance, charm,
+interest, culture, and all the good things of which one dreams.
+Everything desirable, and not noticeable or recognised as being in my
+daily life, I grew gradually to think of as being part and parcel of
+English life. I did not as yet long to go to England. One does not
+long to visit the moon. But when some well-wrought piece of
+atmosphere, some happy turn of speech, some inspiring glimpse of high
+and noble motives or tender devotion, caught and held me, in a book, I
+would sigh quietly and say to myself:
+
+'Ah, yes; in England!'
+
+Looking back upon it, I am rather pleased with myself for the stubborn
+persistence with which I slogged away at the shorthand; because it
+never once touched my interest. For me, it was a veritable treadmill.
+And, for that reason, I suppose, I was never really good at it. I have
+no doubt whatever that it had real value for me as a disciplinary
+exercise.
+
+And then my candle would gutter and expire. I have sometimes, by means
+of sitting up in bed, holding the book high, and using great
+concentration, devoured a whole chapter between the first sputtering
+sound of the candle's death-rattle and the moment of its actual
+demise. Indeed, I have more than once finished a chapter, when within
+half a page of it, by matchlight. But that, of course, was gross
+extravagance. Our candles seemed to me abominably short, and I once
+tried to seduce Mrs. Gabbitas into allowing me two at a time; but she,
+good soul, wisely said that one was more than I had any right to burn
+in an evening, and I was too miserly to buy them for myself.
+
+Yes, it seems horribly unnatural in a youth, but I am afraid I was
+rather miserly at that time. I wanted passionately to do various
+things. Precisely what, I had never so far thought out. But I did not
+desire the less ardently for that. I suppose the thing I wanted was to
+'better myself,' as the servants say. Was I not a servant? Without
+ever reasoning the matter out, I felt strongly that the possession of
+some money, a certain store, was very necessary to my well-being; that
+in some mysterious way it would add immensely to my chances, to my
+strength in the world; that it would put me on a footing superior to
+that I had at present. I even thought of it, in my innocence, as
+Capital. Many of my musings used to begin with: 'If a fellow has
+Capital'--and I believed that if he had not this magic talisman his
+position was very different and inferior. I thought of the world's
+hewers of wood and drawers of water as being the folk who had no
+Capital; the others as the people who had somehow acquired possession
+of the talisman. And I suppose I wanted to be of the company of the
+others.
+
+Ten shillings a week means twenty-six pounds a year; and I very well
+remember that on the first anniversary of my entering Mr. Perkins's
+employ, my Government Savings Bank book showed a balance to my credit
+of twenty-two pounds three and fourpence. This sum, I decided, might
+fairly rank as Capital; it really merited the august name, I felt,
+being actually above the sum of twenty pounds. Eighteen pounds was a
+respectable nest-egg. Yes, but twenty-three [sic] pounds three and
+fourpence--that was Capital; and I now definitely took rank, however
+humbly, among the people who possessed the talisman. I realised very
+well that I was poor; that this sum of money was not a large one.
+Still, it was Capital, and, as such, it gave me a deal of
+satisfaction, and more of confidence than I could have had without it.
+I am certain of that. What a pity it is that one cannot always, later
+in life, obtain the same secure and confident feeling by virtue of
+possessing twenty pounds!
+
+This meant that I had spent less than four pounds in the year. But no;
+Mr. Perkins gave me ten shillings, and Mrs. Perkins five shillings, at
+Christmas time. Also, I won ten shillings as a prize in a competition
+arranged by the _Dursley Chronicle_. It was for the best five hundred
+word description of an Australian scene, and I described Livorno Bay
+and its derelict; and, as I thought at the time--quite mistakenly, I
+am sure--described them rather well. Apart from a book or two I had
+bought practically nothing, save boots and socks and a Sunday suit of
+clothes. Mrs. Perkins had kindly supplied quite a stock of shirts for
+me, by means of operations performed upon old shirts of her husband's.
+My Sunday suit of clothes had occupied me greatly for some weeks. I
+had never before bought clothing of any kind. After two or three
+visits to the store, and many talks at mealtimes with Mrs. Gabbitas, I
+finally decided upon blue serge.
+
+'It do show the dust, but it don't show the wear so much as the rest
+of 'em,' was the Gabbitular verdict which finally settled this
+momentous business. A tie to match was given in with the suit, a
+concession which I owed entirely to Mrs. Gabbitas's determined
+enterprise. The tie was of satin, and, taken in conjunction with a
+neatly arranged wad of silk handkerchief, extraordinarily variegated
+in colour (Mrs. Gabbitas's present), protruding from the breast-pocket
+of the new coat, it produced on the first Sunday after its purchase an
+effect which I found at once arresting and sedately rich. My
+looking-glass was not more than six inches square, but, by propping it up
+on a chair, and receding from it gradually, I was able to obtain a very
+fair view of my trousers; while, by replacing it on the wall, and
+observing my reflection carefully from different angles, I was able to
+judge of most parts of the coat and waistcoat.
+
+After a good deal of thought, I decided that the best effect was
+obtained by fastening the top button of the coat, turning back one
+lower corner with careful negligence, and keeping it there by holding
+one hand in my trouser pocket. In that order, then, I interviewed Mrs.
+Gabbitas in the scullery, to receive her congratulations before
+proceeding to church. Altogether, it was a day of pleasing excitement;
+but, greatly though it intrigued me, the purchase left me as much a
+miser as ever, my only other extravagance for a long time being a
+cream-coloured parasol--my present to Mrs. Gabbitas; and---I may as
+well confess it--I could not have brought myself to buy that, but for
+the fact that it was called 'slightly shop-soiled,' and had been
+'marked down' from 8s. 11d. to 4s. 10 1/2d.
+
+Yes, for a youth of sixteen years, I fear it must be admitted that I
+was unnaturally parsimonious, and a good deal of what schoolboys used
+to call a smug and a swatter. It really was curious, because I do not
+recall that I had any ambition to be actually rich. Mr. Smiles and his
+_Self Help_ would have left me cold if I had read that classic. I
+indulged no Whittingtonian dreams of knighthood, mayoral chains, vast
+commercial or financial operations, or anything of that sort. The
+things that interested me were largely unreal. I was immensely
+appealed to, I remember, by a phase in the career of Charles Reade's
+_Griffith Gaunt_, in which that gentleman lived incognito for awhile
+in a remote rural inn, and wooed (if he did not actually marry) the
+buxom daughter of the house, while his real wife was being accused of
+having murdered him. I think that was the way of it. I know the
+sojourn in that isolated inn--I pictured its lichen-grown walls; a
+place that would be approached quite nearly in the stilly night by
+wild woodland creatures--appealed to me as a wholly delightful
+episode.
+
+I never had a dream of commercial triumphs. I did not think of fame.
+For what was I striving? And why did I so assiduously save? It is not
+easy to answer these questions. I find the thing puzzles me a good
+deal. There was my means-to-an-end attitude; but what was the precise
+end in view? If one comes to that I have been striving all my life
+long, and to what end? I know this, that in the midst of my physical
+content as a handy lad in a comfortable home, I had at least thought
+definitely of my future up to a certain point. I had told myself that
+there were two kinds of people in the world: the hewers of wood and
+drawers of water, earning a mere living, as I was earning mine, by the
+labour of their hands; and the others. I knew very little of what the
+others did, and had no very definite plan or desire to follow, myself,
+any of their occupations. But I did know that I wished to live in
+their division of the community. I wished to be one of those others. I
+should be unworthy of my father if I did not presently take my place
+among those others. And, I suppose, the only practical steps in that
+direction which I knew of and could take were the saving of my wages
+and the study of shorthand. I think that was about the way of it. And
+if my diligence with regard to these two matters may be taken as the
+measure of my desire to join the ranks of the others, it is safe to
+say I must have desired it very much indeed.
+
+
+XII
+
+
+Every one has noticed the odd vividness with which certain apparently
+unmemorable episodes stand out among one's recollections, though the
+details of far more important occasions have become merged in the huge
+and nebulous mist of the things one has forgotten. (Memory is a
+longish gallery, but the mass of that which is unremembered, how
+enormous this is!)
+
+I recall a Sunday evening in Dursley. I had been to church, a rare
+thing for me, of an evening, to hear a strange, visiting parson; a man
+who had done missionary work in east London and in Northern
+Queensland. I remember nothing that he said, and nothing occurred that
+night to make it memorable for me. And yet ...
+
+The aftermath of the sunset beyond Dursley valley was very beautiful.
+It often was. Venus shone out with mellow brilliance a little to the
+right of the church. The air was full of bush scents, and somewhere,
+not far from where I stood, dead brushwood was burning and diffusing
+abroad the aromatic pungency that fire draws from eucalyptus leaves.
+
+Gradually, I was overcome by that sense of the infinitely romantic
+potentialities of life which I suppose overpowers all young people at
+times; and, more especially, rather lonely young people. The main
+events of my short life filed past before me in review against the
+background of an exquisitely melancholy evening sky, illumined by one
+perfect star. Even this dim light was further softened for me
+presently by the moisture that gathered in my eyes; tears that pricked
+with a pain that was almost intolerably sweet. I recalled how, as a
+child, I had longed to see strange and far-off lands; how I had
+bragged to servants and childish companions that I would travel. And
+then, how I had travelled--the _Ariadne_, my companions, my father,
+the derelict, Livorno Bay. And then, the blow that cut off all I had
+held by, and made of me an unconsidered scrap, owning nothing, and
+owned by nobody.
+
+I had been very miserable at the Orphanage. Yes, there was distinct
+pleasure in recalling and weighing the sum of my unhappiness at St.
+Peter's. I had longed to be quit of it; I had willed to be out in the
+open world, free to make what I could of my own life. And, behold, I
+was free. My will had accomplished this, had brushed aside the
+restraining bonds of the whole organisation supervised by Father
+O'Malley. I, a friendless, bare-legged orphan had done this, because I
+desired to do it. And now I was a recognised and respectable unit in a
+free community, earning and paying my way with the best. (I was
+pleasantly conscious of my blue serge suit, the satin tie, and the
+multi-coloured silk handkerchief.) I was possessed of Capital--more
+than twenty pounds; quite a substantial little sum in excess of twenty
+pounds, even without the interest shortly to be added thereto.
+Finally, that very evening, had I not been addressed as 'Mister
+Freydon,' I, the erstwhile bare-footed 'inmate' of St. Peter's? There
+was nothing of bathos, nothing in the least ludicrous, to me in this
+last reflection.
+
+'It's nothing, of course,' I told myself, with proud deprecation; 'and
+he's only a shop assistant. But there it is. It does show something
+after all. And, besides, he is a member of the School of Arts
+Committee!'
+
+The 'he' in this case was, of course, the person who had shown
+discernment enough to address me as 'Mister Freydon.' And, deprecate
+as I might, the thing had given me a thrill of deep and real
+satisfaction. Merely recalling the sound of it added to the exaltation
+of my mood, and to my obsession by the wonder, the romance of the
+various transitions of my life.
+
+The hazards of life, the wonder of it all--this it was that filled my
+mind. How would Ted be struck by it? I thought. And there and then I
+composed in my mind the letter which should accompany my return of the
+pound he had given me when I could find an address to which it could
+be sent. There should be no flinching here, no blinking the exact
+truth. I may have been an insufferable young prig and snob. Very
+likely I was. As I recall it that letter, composed while I gazed
+across the valley at the evening star, was informed by a sort of easy
+condescension and friendly patronage. Grateful, yes, but with a faint
+hint, too, that Ted had been rather fortunate, a little honoured
+perhaps in having enjoyed the privilege of assisting, however
+slightly, in the launch of my career. At one time I had gladly
+regarded it as a present. That, it seemed, was a blunder of my remote
+infancy. Honest Ted's pound was a loan, of course, and like any other
+honourable man I should naturally repay the loan!
+
+Musing in this wise I turned away from the evening star, and walked
+very slowly past the dairy and the wash-house to my own little room.
+Now the odd thing was that, though I seemed to have given not one
+single thought to the future, though I seemed to have made no plan,
+but, on the contrary, to have confined myself exclusively to the
+idlest sort of musing upon the past, yet, as I walked into my dark
+room, I knew that I had definitely decided to leave Dursley at once,
+and take the next step in my career. I actually whispered to myself:
+
+'It's a good little room. I shall miss this room. I shall often think
+of the nights I've spent here.'
+
+All this, as though my few belongings had been packed, and I had
+arranged to depart next morning; though, in fact, I had not given a
+single conscious thought to the matter of leaving Dursley until I
+turned my back on the evening star.
+
+Next morning at breakfast I told Mrs. Gabbitas I meant to leave and
+make for Sydney; and Mrs. Gabbitas gave me to understand that, with
+all their infinite varieties of foolishness, most young fellows shared
+one idiosyncrasy in common: they none of them had sense enough to know
+when they were well off. I spoke of my shorthand, and said I had not
+been working at it for nothing. Mrs. Gabbitas sniffed, and expressed
+very plainly the doubts she felt about shorthand ever providing me
+with meals of the kind I enjoyed at her kitchen table.
+
+'I suppose the fact is gardening isn't good enough for you, and you
+want to be a gentleman,' the good soul said, with sounding irony. And,
+whilst I made some modestly deprecatory sound in reply, my thoughts
+said: 'You are precisely right.'
+
+With news in hand I have no doubt Mrs. Gabbitas took an early
+opportunity of a chat with Mrs. Perkins. At all events I had no sooner
+got my lawn-mower to work that morning than the mistress called me to
+her where she lay on the verandah.
+
+'Is it true we're going to lose you, Nick?' she said very kindly. And,
+as my irritating way still was, I blushed confusedly as I endorsed the
+report.
+
+'Well, of course, we knew we should, sooner or later; and, though
+we'll be sorry to lose you, you are right to go; quite right. I am
+sure of that, and so is Geo--so is Mr. Perkins. But have you got a
+situation to go to, Nick?'
+
+I told her I had not, and that I did not think I could secure a berth
+in Sydney while I was still in Dursley.
+
+'No, no, perhaps not,' she said musingly. 'You must talk to Mr.
+Perkins about it, and I will, too. What made you decide on going now,
+Nick?'
+
+'I--I don't know,' I replied awkwardly. And then the sweet kindliness
+of her face emboldened me to add: 'I was just thinking last
+night--thinking about my life as I looked at the sky where the sunset had
+been, and--somehow, I found I was decided.' Then, as if to justify if
+possible the exceeding lameness of my explanation: 'You see, Mrs.
+Perkins, I've got the hang of the shorthand pretty well now,' I added.
+
+She nodded sympathetically. 'Well, I'm sure you'll succeed, Nick, I'm
+sure you will; for you're a good lad, and very persevering. The main
+thing is being a good lad, Nick; that's the main thing. It's sad for
+you, having lost your parents, and--and everything. But when you go
+away, Nick, just try to think of me as if I were your mother, will
+you? I'll be thinking quite a lot of you, you know. Don't you go and
+fancy there's nobody cares about you. We shall all be thinking a lot
+about you. And, Nick, if ever you find yourself in any trouble, if you
+begin to feel you're going wrong in any way, if you feel like doing
+anything you know is wrong, or if you feel downhearted and lonesome--you
+just get into a train and come to Dursley, Nick. Come straight
+here to me, and tell me everything about it, and--and I think I'll be
+able to help you. I'll try, anyhow; and you'll know I should want to.
+And if it isn't easy to come tell me just the same; write and tell me
+all about it. Promise me that, Nick.'
+
+I promised her. She held out her white, thin hand and clasped my hard
+hand in it; and I went off to my mowing very conscious of my eyes
+because they smarted and pricked, but little indebted to them because
+they failed to show me anything more definite than a blur of greenery
+at my feet, and a blur of sunlight above.
+
+A fortnight elapsed before I did really leave that place; but for me
+most of the emotion of leaving, of parting with my kindly employers
+and friends, and with pretty, peaceful Dursley, was epitomised in that
+little conversation on the verandah with Mrs. Perkins. I know now that
+there are many other sweet and kindly women in the world. At that time
+no one among them had ever been so sweet and kind to me.
+
+
+XIII
+
+
+When I stepped out of the train at Redfern Station in Sydney, I
+carried all my worldly belongings in a much worn carpet-bag which had
+been given me by Mr. Perkins. Its weight did not at all suggest to me
+the need of obtaining a porter's services, and hardly would have done
+so even if I had been accustomed to engaging assistance of the sort.
+Stepping out with my bag into the bustle of the capital city I walked,
+as one who knew his way, to where the noisy and malodorous old steam
+tram-cars started, and made my way by tram to Circular Quay. (I had
+had my directions in Dursley.) Here I boarded a ferry-boat, and at the
+cost of one penny was carried across the shining waters of the harbour
+to North Shore. Half an hour later I had mounted the hill, found Mill
+Street and Bay View Villa, and actually become a boarder and a lodger
+there, with a latch-key of my own.
+
+The landlady having left the bedroom to which she had escorted me, my
+carefully sustained nonchalance fell from me; I turned the key in the
+door, and sat down on the edge of my bed with a long-drawn sigh. The
+celerity, the extraordinary swiftness of the whole business left me
+almost breathless.
+
+'Yesterday,' I told myself, as one recounting a miracle, 'I was
+planting out young tomatoes in Mr. Perkins's garden in Dursley. Only a
+few minutes ago I was still in the train. And now--now I'm a lodger,
+and this is my room, and--I'm a lodger!'
+
+I did not seem able to get beyond that just then, though later on,
+with a recollection of a certain passage in a favourite novel, I tried
+the sound, in a whisper, of:
+
+'Mr. Nicholas Freydon was now comfortably installed in rooms on the
+shady side of--North Shore.' At the same time I ran over a few
+variants upon such easy phrases as: 'My rooms at North Shore,' 'Snug
+quarters,' 'My boarding-house,' 'My landlady,' and the like.
+
+One must remember that I was less than two years distant from St.
+Peter's and from Sister Agatha and her cane.
+
+There were two beds in my room; one small and the other very small. I
+was sitting on the very small one. The other belonged to Mr. William
+Smith, whose real name might quite possibly have been something else.
+For already, though I had not seen him, I had gathered that my room-mate
+was an elderly man with a history, of which this much was
+generally admitted: that he had seen much better days, and was a
+married man separated from his wife.
+
+'But a pleasanter, kinder-hearted, nicer-spoken gentleman you couldn't
+wish to meet, that I will say,' Mrs. Hastings, the landlady, had told
+me. 'Which,' she added, after a pause given to reflection, with eyes
+downcast, 'if he was otherwise I should not've thought of letting a
+share of his room to anybody with recommendations from me nephew in
+Dursley--not likely. No, nor for that matter, of havin' him in my
+house at all.'
+
+My landlady was an aunt of that Mr. Jokram who had earned distinction
+(apart from his membership of the School of Arts Committee) by being
+the first to address me as 'Mister Freydon.' This good man had taken a
+most friendly interest in my outsetting, and had written off at once
+to his aunt to know if she could include me among her boarders. Mrs.
+Hastings had explained that she was 'Full up as per usual, but if your
+gentleman friend would care to share Mr. Smith's bedroom, him being as
+quiet and respectable a gentleman as walks, it will be easy to put in
+another bed.'
+
+This was before any mention had been made of terms. These, we
+subsequently learned, ranged from a minimum of 17s. 6d. per week,
+including light and use of bath. Later, the nephew was able to obtain
+special concessions for me, as the result of which I had the
+opportunity of securing all the amenities of Mrs. Hastings's refined
+home, including a share of Mr. Smith's room, and such plain washing as
+did not call for the use of starch--all for the very moderate charge
+of 16s. weekly.
+
+Thus it was that, although a stranger and without friends in Sydney, I
+was able to go direct into my new quarters, without any loss of time
+or money; an important consideration even for a capitalist whose
+fortune at this time amounted to something nearer thirty than twenty
+pounds. (Mr. Perkins had given me an extra month's wages. Mrs. Perkins
+had supplemented this by half a sovereign, six pairs of socks, three
+linen shirts, and half a dozen collars; and Mrs. Gabbitas had given me
+a brand new Bible and Prayer-book, with ornate bindings and perfectly
+blinding type, and another of the silk handkerchiefs coloured like a
+tropical sunset.)
+
+'I shall not be in to tea this evening, Mrs. Hastings, I said, with
+fine carelessness, as I left the house, after unpacking my belongings
+and paying a visit to the bathroom, an apartment formed by taking in a
+section of the back verandah. (The bath was of the same material as
+the verandah roof--galvanised iron.) 'I've got some business in Sydney
+that will keep me rather late.'
+
+The good woman rather pierced my carefully assumed guise of
+nonchalance by the smile with which she said: 'Oh, very well, Mr.
+Freydon; I hope you'll not be kept too late--by business.'
+
+'How in the world did she guess?' I thought as I walked down to the
+ferry. It may be that the virus of city life had in some queer way
+already entered my veins. Here was I, the parsimonious 'handy lad,'
+who had been saving ninety per cent. of my wages and never indulging
+myself in any way, actually contemplating the purchase of an evening
+meal in Sydney, while becoming indebted for an evening meal I should
+never eat in North Shore; to say nothing of making deceitful remarks
+about being detained by business, when I had deliberately made up my
+mind to postpone all business until the next day. Truly, I was making
+an ominous start in the new life; or so my twitching conscience told
+me, as I sat enjoying the harbour view from the deck of the ferry-boat
+which took me to Circular Quay.
+
+My notion of dissipation and extravagance would have proved amusing to
+the bloods of that day, and merely incredible to those of the present
+time. There was an unnecessary twopence for the ferry--admitting the
+whole business to have been unnecessary. There was sixpence for a
+meal, consisting of tea and a portentous allowance of scones with
+butter. There was threepence for a packet of cigarettes ('colonial'
+tobacco), the first I had ever smoked, and a purchase which had
+actually been decided upon some days previously. Finally, there was
+fourpence for a glass of colonial wine in a George Street wine-shop;
+and this also, like the rest of the outing, had been practically
+decided upon before I left Dursley. But with regard to the wine there
+had been reservations. The cigarettes were certainly to be tried. The
+wine was to be had if circumstances proved favourable, and such a
+plunge seemed at the time desirable. It did; and so I may suppose the
+outing was successful.
+
+During my wanderings up and down the city streets, I examined
+carefully the vestibules of various places of amusement--rather dingy
+most of them were at that date--but had no serious thought of
+penetrating further. The shops, the road traffic, and the people
+intrigued me greatly, but especially the people, the unending streams
+of lounging men, women, and children. Some, no doubt, were on business
+bent; but the majority appeared to me to take their walking very
+easily, and every one seemed to be chattering. My life since as a
+child I left England had all been spent in sparsely populated rural
+surroundings, and the noisy bustle of Sydney impressed me very much,
+as I imagine the Strand would impress a Dartmoor lad, born and bred,
+on his first visit to London.
+
+It did not oppress me at all. On the contrary, I felt pleasantly
+stimulated by it. Life here seemed very clearly and emphatically
+articulate; it marched past me in the streets to a stirring strain.
+There were no pauses, no silences, no waiting. And then, too, one felt
+that things were happening all the time. The atmosphere was full of
+stir and bustle. Showy horses and carriages went spanking past one;
+cabs were pulled up with a jerk, and busily talking men clambered out
+from them, carelessly handing silver to the driver, as though it were
+a thing of no consequence, and passing from one's sight within doors,
+waving cigars and talking, talking all the time. Obviously, big things
+were toward; not one to-day and one to-morrow, but every hour in every
+street. Fortunes were being made and lost; great enterprises planned
+and launched; great crimes, too, I supposed; and crucial meetings and
+partings.
+
+Yes, this was the very tide of life, one felt; and with what pulsing,
+irresistible strength it ebbed and flowed along the city highways!
+Among all these thousands of passers-by no one guessed how closely and
+with what inquisitive interest I was observing them. I suppose I must
+have covered eight or ten miles of pavement before walking
+self-consciously into that wine-shop, and sitting down beside a little
+metal table. I know now that, with me, nervousness generally takes the
+form of marked apparent nonchalance. Doubtless, this is due to
+concentrated effort in my youth to produce this effect. I did not know
+the name of a single Australian wine; but I remembered some
+enthusiastic comment of my father's upon the 'admirable red wine of
+the country,' so I ordered a glass of red wine, and, with an amused
+stare, the youth in attendance served me.
+
+Like many of the wines of the country it was fairly potent stuff, and
+rather sweet than otherwise, probably an Australian port. I sipped it
+with the air of one who generally devoted a good portion of his
+evenings to such dalliance, and ate several of the thin biscuits which
+lay in a plate on the table. Meanwhile, I observed closely the other
+sippers. They were all in couples, and the snatches of their
+conversation which I heard struck me as extraordinarily dramatic in
+substance; most romantic, I thought, and very different from the
+leisurely, languid gossip of those who draw patterns in the dust with
+their clasp-knives, and converse chiefly about 'baldy-faced steers,'
+'good feed,' 'heavy bits o' road,' and the like, with generous
+intervals of say ten or twelve minutes between observations. These
+folk in the wine-shop, on the contrary, tripped over one another in
+their talk; their hands and shoulders and brows all played a part, as
+well as their lips, and their glances were charged with penetrant
+meaning.
+
+As I made my way gradually down to Circular Quay and the ferry, some
+one stepped out athwart my path from a shadowy doorway, and I had a
+vision of straw-coloured hair, pale skin, scarlet lips, a woman's
+figure.
+
+'Going home, dear? What about coming with me? Come on, de-ear!'
+
+Somehow I knew all about it. Not from talk, I am sure. Possibly from
+reading; possibly by instinct. I felt as though the poor creature had
+hit me across the face with a hot iron. I tried to answer her, but
+could not. She barred my path, one hand on my arm. It was no use; I
+could not get words out. Those waiting seconds were horrible. And then
+I turned and fairly ran from her, a rather hoarse laugh pursuing me
+among the shadows as I went.
+
+It was horrible, and affected me for hours. But it did not spoil my
+outing. No, I think on the whole it added to the general excitation. I
+had a sense of having stepped right out into the deep waters of life,
+of being in the current. The drama of life was touching me now; its
+sombre and tragical side as well as the rest of it.
+
+'This really is life,' I told myself as the ferry bore me among
+twinkling lights across the harbour. 'This is the big world, and
+Dursley hardly was.'
+
+It stirred me deeply. The harbour itself; the dim, mysterious outlines
+of ships, the dancing water, the sense of connection with the world
+outside Australia, the very latch-key in my pocket, and the thought
+that I would presently be going to bed at my lodgings, in a room
+shared by an experienced and rather mysterious man, with a past; all
+combined to produce in me a stirring alertness to the adventurous
+interest of life.
+
+
+XIV
+
+
+One of the odd things about that first evening of mine in Sydney was
+that it introduced me to the tobacco habit, one of the few indulgences
+which I have never at any time since relinquished. I smoked several
+cigarettes that evening, with steadily increasing satisfaction. And,
+on the following day, acting on the advice of my room-mate, Mr. Smith,
+I bought a shilling briar pipe and a sixpenny plug of black tobacco as
+a week's allowance. From that point my current outgoings were
+increased by just sixpence per week, no less, and for a considerable
+period, no more.
+
+For some days, at least, and it may have been for longer, Mr. William
+Smith became the mentor to whom I owed the most of such urban
+sophistication as I acquired. He was a very kindly and practical
+mentor, worldly, but in many respects not a bad adviser for such a lad
+so situated. When I recall the stark ugliness of his views and advice
+to me regarding a young man's needs and attitude generally where the
+opposite sex was concerned, I suppose I must admit that a moralist
+would have viewed my tutor with horror. But, particularly at that
+period, I am not sure that the average man of the world, in any walk
+of life, would have differed very much from Mr. Smith in this
+particular matter. One could imagine some quite worthy colonels of
+regiments giving not wholly dissimilar counsel to a youngster, I
+think.
+
+Morning and evening Mr. Smith applied some sort of cosmetic to his
+fine grey moustache, which kept its ends like needles. He always wore
+white or biscuit-coloured waistcoats, and was scrupulously particular
+about his linen. He generally had an air of being fresh from his bath.
+His thin hair was never disarranged, and his mood seemed to be
+cheerfully serene. Summer heats drew plentiful perspiration from him,
+but no sign of languor or irritation. On Sunday mornings he stayed in
+bed till ten-thirty, with the _Sydney Bulletin_, and on the stroke of
+eleven o'clock he invariably entered the church at the corner of Mill
+Street. I used to marvel greatly at this, because he never missed his
+bath, and his Sunday morning appearance gave the impression that his
+toilet had received the most elaborate attention. He carried an ivory
+crutch-handled malacca walking-stick, and in church I used to think of
+him as closely resembling Colonel Newcome. His voice was a mellow
+baritone, he never missed any of the responses; and the odour which
+hung about him of soap and water, cosmetic, light yellow kid gloves,
+and good tobacco--he smoked a golden plug, very superior to my cheap,
+dark stuff--seemed to me at that time richly suggestive of luxury,
+sophistication, distinction, and knowledge of affairs.
+
+Many years have passed since I set eyes on Mr. Smith, and no doubt he
+has long since been gathered to his fathers; but I believe I am right
+in saying that his was a rather remarkable character. I know now that
+he really was a dipsomaniac of a somewhat unusual kind. At ordinary
+times he touched no stimulant of any sort. But at intervals of about
+three months he disappeared, quite regularly and methodically, and
+always with a handbag. To what place he went I do not know. Neither I
+think did Mrs. Hastings or his employers. At the end of a week he
+would reappear, clothed as when he went away, but looking ill and
+shaken. For a few days afterwards he was always exceedingly subdued,
+ate little, and talked hardly at all. But by the end of a week he was
+himself again, and remained perfectly serene and normal until the time
+of his next disappearance. I once happened to see the contents of the
+handbag. They consisted of an old, rather ragged Norfolk coat and
+trousers and a suit of pyjamas; nothing else.
+
+Mr. Smith was a sort of time-keeper at the works of Messrs. Poutney,
+Riggs, Poutney and Co., the wholesale builders' and masons' material
+people. I was informed that he had once been the chief traveller for
+this old-established firm, on a salary of seven hundred pounds a year,
+with a handsome commission, and all travelling expenses paid. His
+salary now was two pounds twelve shillings and sixpence a week; and I
+apprehend that his services were retained by the firm rather by virtue
+of what he had done in the past than for the sake of what he was doing
+at this time. I was told that commercial travelling in New South
+Wales, when Mr. Smith had been in his prime, was a dashing profession
+which produced many drunkards. But from Mr. Smith himself I never
+heard a word about his previous life.
+
+I recall many small kindnesses received at his hands, and at the
+outset the domestic routine of my Sydney life was largely arranged for
+me by Mr. Smith.
+
+'Never wear a collar more than once, or a white shirt more than
+twice,' was one of the first instructions I received from him.
+Subsequently he modified this a little for me, upon economic grounds,
+advising me to take special care of my shirt on Sunday, in order that
+it might serve for Monday and Tuesday. 'Then you've two days each for
+the other two shirts in each week, you see. But socks and collars you
+change every day. In Sydney you must never wear a coloured shirt;
+always a stiff, white shirt, in Sydney.'
+
+On my second evening there Mr. Smith took me to a hatter's shop and
+chose a billycock hat for me, in place of the soft felt which I
+usually wore.
+
+'You must have a hard hat in Sydney,' he said, 'except in real hot
+weather; and then you could wear a flat straw, if you liked. I prefer
+a grey hard hat for summer. But straw will do for a youngster. You
+should have a pair of gloves, for Sunday, you know. They're useful,
+too, for interviewing principals.'
+
+One might have fancied that gloves were a kind of passport, or perhaps
+a skeleton key guaranteed to open principals' doors. It was Mr. Smith
+who first made me feel that there was a connection between morals,
+respectability, and cold baths. To miss the morning tub, as Mr. Smith
+saw it, was not merely a calamity but also a disgrace; a thing to make
+one ashamed; a lapse calculated seriously to affect character. How
+oddly that does clash, to be sure, with his views of a young man's
+relations with the other sex! And yet, I am not so sure. Shocked as
+many people would be by those views, they might admit in them perhaps
+a sort of hygienic intention. It was that I fancy, more than anything
+else, which did as a fact shock me. As companions, co-equals,
+fellow-humans, I believe this curious man absolutely detested women. I
+wonder what sort of a wife he had had! ...
+
+When I come to compare my launch in Sydney with all that I know and
+have read of youthful beginnings in Old World centres, I marvel at the
+luxurious ease and freedom of Australian conditions. To put it into
+figures now--my start in Sydney did not cost me a sovereign. I did not
+spend two days without earning more than enough to defray all my
+modest outgoings. My search for employment, so far from wearing out
+shoe-leather, was confined to a single application, to one brief
+interview. This was not at all due to any cleverness on my part, but
+in the first place to the good offices of Mr. Perkins of Dursley, and
+in the second place to the easygoing character of prevailing
+Australian conditions.
+
+On the morning after my first evening's dissipation in Sydney, I made
+my way to the business premises of Messrs. Joseph Canning and Son, the
+Sussex Street wholesale produce merchants and commission agents. This
+firm had had dealings with Dursley's Omnigerentual and Omniferacious
+Agent ever since his first appearance in that part, and it was no
+doubt because of this that Mr. Perkins wrote to them on my behalf.
+After waiting for a time in a dark little chamber containing specimens
+of cream separators and churns, I was taken to the private room of Mr.
+Joseph Canning, the senior partner, who, as I was presently to learn,
+visited the office chiefly to attend to such out-of-the-way trifles as
+my call, to smoke cigars, and to take selected clients out to lunch.
+The practical conduct of the business was entirely in the hands of Mr.
+John, this gentleman's only son.
+
+I found Mr. Joseph Canning with his feet crossed on his blotting-pad,
+his body tilted far back in his chair, and his first morning cigar
+tilted far upward between his teeth, its ash perilously close to one
+bushy grey eyebrow.
+
+'Well, me lad,' he said as I entered, 'how's the Omniferacious one?
+Blooming as ever, I hope.'
+
+I explained that I had left Mr. Perkins in the best of health, and
+proceeded to answer, so far as I was able, the string of subsequent
+questions put to me regarding the town of Dursley, its principal
+residents, business progress, and chief hotel. I gathered that Mr.
+Canning had paid one visit to Dursley, under the auspices of its
+Omnigerentual Agent, and that while there he had contrived, with Mr.
+Perkins's assistance no doubt, 'to make that little town fairly hum.'
+
+We talked in this strain for some time, and then Mr. Canning rose from
+his chair, clearly under the impression that his business with me had
+been satisfactorily completed, and prepared to dismiss me cordially,
+and proceed to other matters.
+
+'Ah!' he ejaculated cheerfully, extending his right hand to me, and
+moving toward the door. 'Quite pleasant to have a chat about little
+Dursley. Well, take care of yourself in the big city, you know--bed by
+ten o'clock, and that sort of thing, you know; and--er--never touch
+anything in the morning. Safest plan.'
+
+By this time the door was open, and I, on the threshold, was feeling
+considerably bewildered. With a great effort I managed to force out
+some such words as:
+
+'And if you should hear of any sort of situation that I----'
+
+At that he grabbed my hand again, and pulled me back into the room.
+
+'Of course, of course! God bless my soul, I'd clean forgotten!' he
+exclaimed hurriedly as he strode across to his table and rang a bell.
+
+'Ask Mr. John to kindly step this way a minute, will ye?' he said to
+the lad who answered the bell. 'Forget me name next, I suppose,' he
+added to me in a confidential undertone. 'Tut, tut! And I read
+Perkins's letter again just before you came in, too! Ah, here you are,
+John. Come in a minute, will you?'
+
+A vigorous-looking fair-haired man of about five-and-thirty came into
+the room now, with the air of one who had been interrupted. He wore no
+coat, and his spotless shirt-sleeves were held well up on his arms by
+things like garters clasped above the elbow.
+
+'Ah, John,' began his father, 'this is Mr. Perkins's "Nickperry"; you
+remember? Nick Freydon.' He referred to a letter on the table.
+'Shorthand, you know, and all that. Well, what about it? D'jew
+remember?'
+
+'Yes, yes, to be sure. Well, what about it?' This seemed to be a
+favourite phrase between father and son.
+
+'Well, what was it you said? Thirty-five bob for a start, eh? Oh,
+well, you'll see to it, anyway, won't you? That's right. So
+long--er--Nickperry!'
+
+'Good-morning, sir!'
+
+And with that I found myself following Mr. John along a darkish
+passage to a well-lighted apartment, divided by a ground-glass
+partition from an office in which I saw perhaps eight or ten clerks at
+work.
+
+'Now, Mr. Freydon,' said my guide, as he flung himself into a
+revolving chair, and motioned me to another on the opposite side of
+the table. 'We'll make it no more than five minutes, please, for I've
+got a stack of letters to answer, and some men to see at eleven
+sharp.'
+
+And then I had a rather happy inspiration.
+
+'Do you write your own letters, sir?' I asked.
+
+'Eh? Oh, Lord, yes!' he said brusquely. 'I know some men dictate 'em
+to clerks, to be done in copper-plate, an' all that. But, goodness, I
+can write 'em myself quicker'n that! And we have to be mighty careful
+to say just the right kind of thing in our letters, too. It makes a
+difference.'
+
+'Well, will you just try dictating one or two to me, sir, and let me
+take them in shorthand. Then I would bring them to you when you have
+seen the gentlemen at eleven.'
+
+'Eh? Well, that's rather an idea. Let's have a shot. Here you are
+then. Pencil? Right? Well: "Dear Mr. Gubbins, yours of 14th, received
+with thanks." Got that? Yes; well, tell him--that is--"You are quite
+mistaken, I assure you, about your butter having been held back till
+the bottom was out of the market." Old fool's always grousing about
+his rotten butter. You see, the fact is his butter is second or third
+quality stuff, and he reads the quotations in the paper for the
+primest, and kicks like a steer because he doesn't get the same, or a
+penny more. Always threatening to change his agents, and I wish to God
+he would; only, o' course, it doesn't do to tell 'em so. There's a lot
+like Gubbins, an' one has to try an' sweeten 'em a bit once a week or
+so. Yes! Well, where were we? Eh? That all right?'
+
+'Yes, sir. "Yours faithfully," or "Yours truly," sir?'
+
+'Oh, well, I always say: "'shuring you vour bes' 'tention, bleeve me,
+yours faithfully, J. Canning and Son." It pleases them, an'----'
+
+'Yes, sir.'
+
+And some of the others were a good deal more sketchy, but fortunately
+there were only five in all. I asked Mr. John to let me take the
+original letters. It was plain that dictation was not his strong
+point. Neither, I thought, had he much idea of letter-writing; whereas
+I, so I flattered myself, could do it rather well. At least I had read
+something about commercial correspondence, and had also read the
+published letters of many famous people. So, as soon as I decently
+could, I pretended Mr. John had really dictated replies to his five
+letters, and that I had recorded his words in indelible shorthand.
+Then I said I would run away and write the letters while he kept his
+engagements.
+
+'Right!' he said. 'Tell you what. Go into my father's room. He's gone
+out now, and you'll find paper and that there.'
+
+So I made my first practical essay in commercial correspondence from
+the chair of the head of the firm, and among the fumes of the head's
+morning cigar.
+
+In an old pocket-book I discovered a year or two ago the draft of the
+first letter I wrote for J. Canning and Son. Here it is:
+
+'_To_ Mr. R. B. Gubbins,
+'Ferndale Farm,
+'Unaville, N.S.W.
+
+'Nov. 3rd, 1879.
+
+'Dear Mr. Gubbins,--Thank you for your letter of the 2nd inst. We have
+looked carefully into the matter of your complaint, and are glad to be
+able to assure you that your fears are quite unnecessary. We were, of
+course, prepared to take the matter up seriously with those
+responsible, but investigation proved that there had been no delay
+whatever in disposing of your last consignment of butter. It happened,
+however, that an exceptionally large supply of the very primest
+qualities were on offer that morning, and though one or two may have
+reached higher prices, as the result of exceptional circumstances, the
+bulk changed hands at the price obtained for yours, and many
+consignments at a lower figure. In several cases the prices given in
+the newspapers are either incorrect, or apply only to one or two
+special lots.
+
+'In conclusion, permit us to assure you, dear Mr. Gubbins, that while
+your interests are entrusted to our hands they will always receive the
+closest possible attention, and that nothing will be left undone which
+could be in any way of benefit to you.
+
+'Trusting this will make the position perfectly clear to you, and that
+you will be under no further anxiety with regard to your consignments
+to us, now, or at any future time.--We are, dear Mr. Gubbins, yours
+faithfully,'
+
+In the same unexceptional style I wrote to four other clients, after
+very careful perusal of their letters, combined with reflections upon
+Mr. John's running commentaries. As I wrote what my father had called
+'an almost painfully legible and blameless hand,' and gave the closest
+care to these particular letters, their appearance was tolerably
+business-like when finished. Carrying these letters, and those they
+answered, I now began to reconnoitre passages and doorways to
+ascertain the whereabouts and occupation of Mr. John. Presently I saw
+him come hurrying in from the street, wiping his lips with a
+handkerchief.
+
+'The letters, sir,' I began.
+
+'Ah! Got 'em done already? Right. Come into my room.'
+
+I stood and watched him reading my effusions, at first with upward
+twitching brows, and then with smiling satisfaction.
+
+'H'm!' he said, as he gave them the firm's signature. 'It's a pretty
+good thing then, this shorthand. Wonderful the way you've got every
+little word down. That "In conclusion, permit us to assure you, dear
+Mr. Gubbins"--now, that's as a business letter should be, you know.
+There's not a house in Sussex Street turns out such good sweeteners as
+we do. I've always been very careful about that. That's how we keep up
+our connection. These farmers are touchy beggars, you know; but if
+only you take the right tone with 'em, you can twist 'em round your
+little finger. That's why I always lay it on pretty thick in the
+firm's letters. It pays, I can assure you.'
+
+'Yes, sir.'
+
+'Well, that's very good, Mr. Freydon; very good. We've never had this
+shorthand in the office before; but I think it's time we did, high
+time. It's no use my wasting valuable time writing all these letters
+myself, and with this shorthand of yours, I believe you can take 'em
+down as fast as I can say it--eh?'
+
+'Oh yes, sir; easily,' I said, with shameless mendacity. As a fact,
+neither that morning, nor at any other time, did I 'take down' what
+Mr. John said in shorthand. But it was already apparent to me that he
+could be made quite happy by fancying that the letters were of his
+composition, and I did not conceive that it was part of my duty to
+undeceive him.
+
+'Ah! Well, now, when could you begin work, Mr. Freydon?'
+
+I smiled, and told him I could go on at once with any further letters
+he had.
+
+'Yes, yes; to be sure. Begun already, as you say. Well, I told the
+old--I told my father I thought thirty-five shillings a week would-- Well,
+I'll tell you what. You go ahead as you've begun, and at the end
+of a month we'll make your pay two pounds a week. How'll that suit?'
+
+'Thank you, sir; that will suit me very well.'
+
+'Right. By the way, don't say "sir" to me, please. They all call me
+"Mr. John," and my father "Mr. Canning." See! Now, I'll just introduce
+you to Mr. Meadows, our accountant, and he will show you round. Mr.
+Meadows has charge of our clerical staff, you understand; but you'll
+have most to do with me, of course. There's a little bit of a room
+opposite mine, where we keep the stationery an' that. I dare say
+you'll be able to work there.'
+
+In this wise, then, with most fortunate ease, I secured my first
+employment in the capital city; and very well it suited me, for the
+present. Within a week I found that I was left to open all letters,
+and to deal with them very much as I thought best, with references of
+course to Mr. John, and at times, in a matter of accounts, to Mr.
+Meadows, or again to the storekeeper and others. It was not good
+shorthand practice, but his correspondence pleased Mr. John very
+much--especially its more rotund phrases--whilst for my part I keenly
+relished the fact that I, the most junior member of the staff, had
+really less of supervision in my work than any one else in the office.
+
+Upon the whole I was entitled, on that evening of my first day in the
+Sussex Street offices, to feel that I had made a tolerably creditable
+beginning, and that Sydney had treated the latest suppliant for her
+favour rather well. What I very well remember I did feel was that I
+should have an interesting story for Mr. William Smith that night when
+I reached 'my rooms' at North Shore.
+
+
+XV
+
+
+My third day at J. Canning and Son's offices was a Saturday, and the
+establishment closed at one o'clock. My room-mate, Mr. Smith, had
+invited me to spend the afternoon with him at Manly, the favourite
+sea-beach resort close to Sydney Heads. I had other plans in view, but
+did not like to refuse Mr. Smith, and so spent the time with him, not
+without enjoyment.
+
+Manly was not, of course, the thronged and crowded place it is to-day,
+but its Saturday afternoon visitors were fairly numerous, and most of
+them were people who showed in a variety of ways that they did not
+have to consider very closely the expenditure of a sovereign or so.
+For our part, Mr. Smith's and mine, I doubt if our outing cost more
+than five shillings; and, though I succeeded in paying my own boat-fares,
+my companion insisted upon settling himself for the refreshments we had:
+a cup of tea in the afternoon, and a sort of high tea or supper before
+leaving. I had not begun to tire of watching people, and was innocent
+enough to derive keen satisfaction from the thought that I, too, was one
+of these city folk, business people, office men, who gave their Saturday
+leisure to the quest of ocean breezes and recreation in this well-known
+resort.
+
+Yes, from this distance, it is a little hard to realise perhaps, but
+it is a fact that at this particular time I was genuinely proud of
+being a clerk in an office, in place of being a handy lad, and one of
+the manual workers. It was my lot in later years to dictate
+considerable correspondence to young men who practised shorthand and
+typewriting--they called themselves secretaries, not correspondence
+clerks--and I always felt an interest in their characters and affairs,
+and endeavoured to show them every consideration. But I cannot say
+that those who served me in this capacity ever played just the sort of
+part I played as a correspondence clerk in Sussex Street. But they
+always interested me, none the less, and I showed them special
+consideration; no doubt because I remembered a period when I took much
+secret pride and satisfaction in having obtained entrance to their
+ranks, from what in all countries which I have visited is accounted a
+lowlier walk of life. And yet, as I see it now, I must confess that I
+am inclined to think the handy lad in the open air has rather the best
+of it. I admit this is open to question, however. Fortunately there
+are compensations in both cases.
+
+'For a young fellow you do a lot of thinking,' said Mr. Smith to me as
+we walked slowly down to the ferry stage in leaving Manly. Of course I
+indulged in one of my idiotic blushes.
+
+'No; oh no,' I told him. 'I was only watching the people.'
+
+'Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of in thinking,' he justly said.
+'If most of the youngsters in Sydney did a deal more of it, it would
+be a lot better for them.'
+
+'Ah, you mean thinking about their work.' I knew instinctively, and
+because of remarks he had made, that my elderly room-mate thought well
+of me as being a very practical lad, seriously determined to get on in
+the world. And so, also instinctively, I played up, as they say, to
+this view of my character, and I dare say overdid it at times;
+certainly to the extent of making myself appear more practical, or
+more concentrated upon material progress, than I really was.
+
+'Oh, I don't know about that,' said Mr. Smith as we boarded the
+steamer. 'Business isn't the only thing in life, and there are plenty
+other things worth thinking about.' Yes, odd as it seems, it was I who
+was being reminded that there were other things worth thinking of
+besides business; I ... 'No, but it would be better for 'em to do a
+lot more thinking about all kinds of things. Thinking is better than
+running after little chits of girls who ought to be smacked and put to
+bed.'
+
+Two refulgent youths had just passed us, in the wake of damsels whose
+favour they apparently sought to win as favour is perhaps won in
+poultry-yards--by cackling.
+
+'I've had to do a powerful lot of talking in my time,' continued Mr.
+Smith; 'and now I like to see any one, and especially any young
+fellow, understand that it's not necessary to talk for talking's sake,
+and that when you've nothing particular to say, it's better to be
+quiet and think, than--than just to blither, as so many do.'
+
+I endeavoured to look as much as possible like a deep thinker as I
+acquiesced, and made mental note of the fact that I had evidently been
+rather neglecting my companion.
+
+'Mind you,' he added, 'it isn't only in office hours and at his work
+that a man makes for success in business. Not a bit of it. It's when
+he's thinking things out away from the office. Why, some of the best
+business I ever brought off I've really done in bed--the planning out
+of it, you know.'
+
+I nodded the understanding sympathy of a wily and experienced hand at
+business. I wonder if the average youth is equally adaptive! Probably
+not, for I suppose it means I was a good deal of a humbug. All I knew
+of business, so far, was what Sussex Street had shown me; and if I had
+been perfectly candid, I should have admitted that, so far from
+striking me as interesting, it seemed to me absurdly, incredibly dull
+and uninteresting; so much so as to have a guise of unreality to me.
+But my letters interested me none the less.
+
+The facts of the situation were unreal. I cared nothing about Canning
+and Son's profits, or the prices of Mr. Gubbins's butter; nothing
+whatever. But I derived considerable satisfaction from turning out a
+letter the fluent suavity of which I thought would impress Mr.
+Gubbins. Primarily, my satisfaction came from the impression the
+letters made upon me personally. Also, I enjoyed the sense of
+importance it gave me to open the firm's letters myself, and to tell
+myself that, given certain bald facts to be acquired from this man or
+the other, I could reply to them far better than Mr. John could. I
+liked to make him think my smugly correct phrasing was his own,
+because I knew it was much more polished, and I thought it much more
+effective than his own; and I liked to figure myself a sort of
+anonymous power behind the throne--the Sussex Street throne!
+
+As we breasted the hill together from the North Shore landing-place,
+Mr. Smith delivered himself of these sapient words, designed, I am
+sure, to be of real help to me:
+
+'What they call success in life is a simple business, really; only
+nobody thinks so, and so very few find it out. They're always looking
+round for special dodges, and wasting time following up special
+methods recommended by this fool or the other. There's only one thing
+wanted really for success, and that's just keeping on. Just keeping
+on; that's all. If you never let go of yourself--never, mind you, but
+just keep on, steady and regular, you can't help succeeding. It just
+comes to you. But you must keep on. It's no good having a shot at
+this, and trying the other. The way is just to keep on.'
+
+My mentor was in a seriously practical vein on this Saturday night;
+partly perhaps because, as the event proved, he was within four days
+of one of his periodical disappearances.
+
+
+XVI
+
+
+In the early afternoon of Sunday I set out upon the visit I had
+originally intended to pay on the previous day.
+
+Three o'clock found me rather nervously ringing a bell at the door of
+Filson House in Macquarie Street. Under the brightly polished bell-pull
+was the name C. F. Rawlence, and the legend: 'Do not ring unless
+an answer is required.' It was my first experience of such a notice,
+and I felt uncertain how it was intended to apply. Neither for the
+moment could I understand why in the world any sane person should ring
+a bell unless desirous of eliciting a response of some kind. Finally,
+I decided that it must be a plaintive and exceedingly trustful appeal
+to the good nature of urchins who might be tempted to ring and run
+away.
+
+A smiling young Chinaman presently opened the door to me, and said:
+'You come top-side alonga me, pease; Mr. Lollance he's in.'
+
+So I walked upstairs behind the silent, felt-shod Asiatic, and
+wondered what was coming next. I had hitherto associated Chinamen in
+Australia exclusively with market-gardening and laundry work. The
+house was not a very high one, but it really was its 'top-side' we
+walked to, and, arrived there, I was shown into what I thought must
+certainly be the largest and most magnificent apartment in Sydney.
+
+I dare say the room was thirty feet long by twenty feet wide, without
+counting the huge fireplace at one end, which formed a room in itself,
+and did actually accommodate several easy chairs, though I cannot
+think the weather was ever cold enough in Sydney to admit of people
+sitting so close to a log fire as these chairs were placed. There were
+suits of armour, skins of beasts, strange weapons, curious tapestries,
+and other stock properties of artists' studios, all conventional
+enough, and yet to me most startling. I had never before visited a
+studio, and did not know that artists affected these things. The
+magnificence of it all impressed me enormously. It almost oppressed me
+with a sense of my own temerity in venturing to visit any one who
+maintained such state.
+
+'This is what it means to be a famous artist,' I told myself, well
+assured now, in my innocence, that Mr. Rawlence must be very famous.
+'Every one else probably knew it before,' I thought. And just then the
+great man himself appeared, not at the door behind me, but between
+heavy curtains which hid some other entrance. He came forward with a
+welcoming smile. Then, for a moment this gave place to rather blank
+inquiry. And then the smile returned and broadened.
+
+'Why, it's-- No, it can't be. But it is--my young friend of St.
+Peter's. I'm delighted. Welcome to Sydney. Sit down, sit down, and let
+me have your news.'
+
+He reclined in a sidelong way upon a sort of ottoman, and gracefully
+waved me to an enormous chair facing him.
+
+'There are always a few charitable souls who drop in upon me of a
+Sunday afternoon, but I'd no idea you would be the first of them to-day.'
+
+Here was a disturbing announcement for me!
+
+'Perhaps it would be more convenient if I came one evening, Mr.
+Rawlence,' I said awkwardly, half rising from the chair.
+
+'Tut, tut, my dear lad! Sit down, sit down. Why should other visitors
+disturb you? There will only be good fellows like yourself. Ladies are
+rarities here on a Sunday. And in any case-- Why, you are quite the man
+of the world now.' This with kindly admiration. Then he screwed up his
+eyes, moved his head backward and from side to side, as though to
+correct his view of a picture. 'Just one point out of the picture.
+Dare I alter it? May I?' And, stepping forward, he thrust well down in
+my breast coat pocket Mrs. Gabbitas's gorgeous silk handkerchief.
+'Yes,' as he moved backward again, 'that's better. One never can see
+these things for oneself. But let me make sure of your important news
+before we are interrupted.'
+
+So I told my story as well as I could, and Mr. Rawlence was in the act
+of expressing his kindly interest therein, when I heard steps and
+voices on the stairs below.
+
+'If you're not otherwise engaged you must stay till these fellows go,
+Nick,' said my host. 'We haven't half finished our talk, you know.
+And--er--if you should be talking to any one here of--er--your present
+situation, I should leave it quite vague, if I were you; secretarial
+work you know--something of that sort. We may have some newspaper men
+here who might be useful to you one day--you follow me?'
+
+'Ah! Hail! Good of you to have come, Landon. Ah, Foster! Jones! Good
+men! Do find seats. Oh, let me introduce a new arrival--Mr. Nicholas
+Freydon; Mr. Landon, the disgracefully well-known painter, Mr. Foster
+and Mr. Jones, both of the Fourth Estate, though frequently taken for
+quite respectable members of society. We may not have a Fleet Street
+here, you know, Freydon, but we have one or two rather decent
+newspapers, as you may have noticed.'
+
+He turned to the still smiling young Chinaman. 'Let's have cigars and
+cigarettes, Ah Lun.'
+
+I gathered that I had been presented as a new arrival from England. It
+was rather startling; but so far I found that an occasional smile was
+all that seemed expected of me, and I was of course anxious to do my
+best. 'Good thing I've started smoking,' I thought, as Ah Lun began
+passing round two massive silver boxes, with cigars and cigarettes.
+The visitors were mostly young, rather noticeably young, I thought, in
+view of the greying hair over Mr. Rawlence's temples; and I felt less
+and less alarmed as I listened to their talk. In fact, shamelessly
+disrespectful though the idea was, I found myself, after a while,
+wondering whether Mr. Smith might not have called some of the
+conversation 'cackle.' And then some technicalities, journalistic and
+artistic, began to star the talk, and I meekly rebuked my own
+presumption. But I have no doubt whatever that Mr. Smith would have
+called most of it 'cackle,' and it is possible he would have been
+tolerably near the truth.
+
+Within an hour I had been introduced to perhaps a score of visitors,
+and Ah Lun was just as busy as he could be, serving tea, whisky, wine,
+soda-water, cigars, cigarettes, sandwiches, and so forth. It was all
+tremendously exciting to me. The mere sound of so many voices, apart
+from anything else, I found wonderfully stimulating, if a trifle
+bewildering.
+
+'This,' I told myself, in a highly impressive, though necessarily
+inarticulate stage-whisper of thought, 'This is Society; this is
+what's called the Social Vortex; and I am right in the bubbling centre
+of it.' And then I thought how wonderful it would have been if Mr.
+Jokram, of Dursley's School of Arts Committee, and one or two
+others--say, Sister Agatha, for example--could have been permitted to
+take a peep between the magnificent curtains, and have a glimpse of me,
+engaged in brilliant conversation with a celebrity of some kind, whose
+neck-tie would have made an ample sash for little Nelly Fane--of me,
+the St. Peter's orphan, in Society!
+
+Truly, I was an innocent and unlicked cub. But I believe I managed to
+pull through the afternoon without notably disgracing my distinguished
+host and patron; and, too, without referring even to 'secretarial
+work.' I might have been heir to a dukedom, a distinguished remittance
+man, or even a congenital idiot, for all the company was allowed to
+gather from me as to my means of livelihood.
+
+
+XVII
+
+
+Towards six o'clock the company began to thin out somewhat, and within
+the hour I found myself once more alone with Mr. Rawlence.
+
+'Well, and what do you think of these few representatives of Sydney's
+Bohemia?' asked my host. 'They are not, perhaps, leading pillars of
+our official society, as one may say--the Government House set, you
+know--but my Sunday afternoon visitors are apt to be pretty fairly
+representative of our best literary and artistic circles, I think.
+Interesting fellows, are they not? I was glad to notice you had a few
+words with Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_. If you still have
+literary or journalistic ambitions, and have not been entirely
+captivated by the pundits of commerce and money-making, Foster might
+be of material assistance to you.'
+
+Just then Ah Lun passed before us (still smiling), carrying a tray
+full of used glasses.
+
+'We'll have a bit of dinner here, Ah Lun. I won't go out to-night. I
+dare say you have something we can pick over. Let us know when it's
+ready.'
+
+Really, as I look back upon it, I see even more clearly than at the
+time that the artist was extraordinarily kind to me; to an obscure and
+friendless youth, none too presentable, and little likely just then to
+do him credit. I would prefer to set down here only that which I
+understood and felt at the time. Perhaps that is not quite possible,
+in the light of subsequently acquired knowledge and experience. This
+much I can say: there was no hint at this time of any wavering or
+diminution in the almost worshipful regard I felt for Mr. Rawlence.
+
+Seen in his own chosen setting, he was the most magnificent person I
+had met. Aestheticism of a pronounced sort was becoming the fashion of
+the day in London; and, as I presently found, Mr. Rawlence followed
+the fashions of London and Paris closely. Indeed, I gathered that at
+one time he had settled down, determined to live and to end his days
+in one or other of those Old World capitals. But after a year divided
+between them, he had returned to Sydney, and gradually formed his
+Macquarie Street home and social connections. No doubt he was a more
+important figure there than he would have been in Europe. His private
+income made him easily independent of earnings artistic or otherwise.
+I apprehend he lived at the rate of about a thousand pounds a year, or
+a little more, which meant a good deal in Sydney in those days. I
+remember being told at one time that he did not earn fifty pounds in a
+year as a painter; but, of course, I could not answer for that.
+
+I think he derived his greatest satisfactions from the society of
+young aspirants in art, literature, and journalism; and I incline to
+think it was more to please and interest, to serve and to impress
+these neophytes, than from any inclination of his own, that he also
+assiduously cultivated the society of a few maturer men who were
+definitely placed in the Sydney world as artists, writers, editors,
+and so forth. But such conclusions came to me gradually, of course. I
+had not thought of them during that delightfully exciting experience--my
+first visit to the Macquarie Street studio.
+
+The simple little dinner was for me a thrilling episode. The deft-handed
+Chinaman hovering behind our chairs, the softly shaded table-lights, the
+wine in tall, fantastically shaped Bohemian glasses, the
+very food--all unfamiliar, and therefore fascinating: olives, smoked
+salmon--to which I helped myself largely, believing it to be sliced
+tomato--a cold bird of sorts, no slices of bread but little rolls in
+place of them, no tea, and no dishes ever seen in Mrs. Gabbitas's
+kitchen, or at my North Shore lodging. And then the figure of my host,
+lounging at table in the rosy light, a cigarette between the shapely
+fingers of his right hand--I had not before seen any one smoke at the
+dinner-table--his brown velvet coat, his languidly graceful gestures,
+the delicate hue of his flowing neck-tie, the costly sort of
+negligence of his whole dress and deportment--all these trifling
+matters were alike rare and exquisite in my eyes.
+
+After their fashion the day, and in particular the evening, were an
+education for me. I spent a couple of hours over the short homeward
+journey to Mill Street, the better to savour and consider my
+impressions. The previous day belonged to my remote past. I had
+travelled through ages of experience since then. For example, I quite
+definitely was no longer proud of being a clerk in an office. As I
+realised this I smiled down as from a great height upon a recollection
+of the chorus of a Scots ditty sung by a sailor on board the
+_Ariadne_. I have no notion of how to spell the words, but they ran
+somewhat in this wise:
+
+  'Wi' a Hi heu honal, an' a honal heu hi,
+  Comelachie, Ecclefechan, Ochtermochty an' Mulgye,
+  Wi' a Hi heu honal, an' a honal heu hi,
+  It's a braw thing a clairk in an orfiss.'
+
+Well, it was no such a braw thing to me that night, as it had seemed
+on the previous day. I had heard the word 'commercial' spoken with an
+intonation which I fancied Mr. Smith would greatly resent. But I did
+not resent it. And that was another of the fruits of my immense
+experience: Mr. Smith would never again hold first place as my mentor.
+How could he? Why, even some of my own innocent notions of the past--of
+pre-Macquarie Street days--seemed nearer the real thing than one or
+two of poor Mr. Smith's obiter dicta. I had noted the hats of that
+elect assemblage, and there had not been a billycock among them. Not a
+single example of the headgear which Mr. Smith held necessary for the
+self-respecting man in Sydney! But, on the contrary, there had been
+quite a number of a kind which approximated more or less to the soft
+brown hat purchased by me in Dursley, and discarded upon Mr. Smith's
+urgent recommendation in favour of the more rigid and precise
+billycock. I reflected upon this significant fact for quite a long
+while.
+
+Certainly, the world was a very wonderful place. Was it possible that
+a week ago I had been a handy lad, dressed merely in shirt and
+trousers, and engaged in planting out tomatoes? I arrived at the
+corner of Mill Street, and turning on my heel walked away from it. I
+wanted to try over, out loud, one or two such phrases as these:
+
+'I've been dining with an artist friend in Macquarie Street!'--'I was
+saying this afternoon to the editor of the _Chronicle_'--'I met some
+delightful people at my friend Mr. Rawlence's studio this afternoon!'
+
+But, upon the whole, there was a more subtle joy in the enunciation of
+certain other remarks, supposed to come from somebody else:
+
+'I met Mr. Freydon, Mr. Nicholas Freydon, you know, this afternoon. He
+had looked in at Rawlence's studio in Macquarie Street. In fact, I
+believe he stayed there to dinner before going on to his rooms at
+North Shore. Rawlence certainly does get all the most interesting
+people at his place. Landon, the painter, was deep in conversation
+with Mr. Freydon. No, I don't know what Mr. Freydon does--some
+secretarial appointment, I fancy. He's evidently a great friend of
+Rawlence's.'
+
+It is surprising that I can set these things down with no particular
+sense of shame. I distinctly remember striding along the deserted
+roads, speaking these absurdities aloud, in an only slightly subdued
+conversational voice. My mood was one of remarkable exaltation. I
+wonder if other young men have been equally mad!
+
+'How d'ye do, Foster?' I would murmur airily as I swung round a
+corner. 'Have you seen my new book?'; or, 'I noticed you published
+that article of mine yesterday!' Presently I found myself in open,
+scrub-covered country, and singing, quite loudly, the old sailor's
+doggerel about its being a braw thing to be a 'clairk in an orfiss';
+my real thought being that it was a braw thing to be Nicholas Freydon,
+a clerk in an office, who was very soon to be something quite
+otherwise.
+
+I am not quite sure if this mood was typical of the happy madness of
+youth. There may have been a lamentable kind of snobbery about it; I
+dare say. I only know this was my mood; these were my apparently crazy
+actions on that remote Sunday night. And, too, before getting into bed
+that night--fortunately for himself, perhaps, poor Mr. Smith was
+already asleep, and so safe from my loquacity--I carefully folded the
+two magnificent rainbow-hued silk handkerchiefs which good Mrs.
+Gabbitas had given me, and stowed them away at the very bottom of my
+ancient carpet-bag.
+
+The sort of remarks which I had been addressing to the moon were not
+remarks which I ever should have dreamed of addressing to any human
+being. I think in justice I might add that. But I had greatly enjoyed
+hearing myself say them to the silent night.
+
+
+XVIII
+
+
+Actually, I dare say the process of one's sophistication was gradual
+enough. But looking back now upon my Dursley period, and the four
+years spent in Sydney--and, indeed, my stay in the Orphanage, and my
+life with my father in Livorno Bay--it appears to me that my growth,
+education, development, whatever it may be called, came at intervals,
+jerkily, in sudden leaps forward. The truth probably is that the
+development was constant and steady, but that its symptoms declared
+themselves spasmodically.
+
+It would seem that there ought to have been a phase of smart, clerkly
+dandyism; but perhaps Mr. Rawlence's kindly hospitality in Macquarie
+Street nipped that in the bud, substituting for it a kind of twopenny
+aestheticism, which made me affect floppy neckties and a studied
+negligence of dress, combined with some neglect of the barber. In
+these things, as in certain other matters, there were some singular
+contradictions and inconsistencies in me, and I was distinctly
+precocious. The precocity was due, I take it, to the fact that I had
+never known family life, and that my companions had always been older
+than myself. I fancy that most people I met supposed me to be at least
+three or four years older than I was, and were sedulously encouraged
+by me in that supposition. I was precocious, too, in another way. I
+could have grown a beard and moustache at seventeen. Instead, I
+assiduously plied the razor night and morning, and derived
+satisfaction from something which irritated me greatly in later
+years--the remarkably rapid and sturdy growth of my beard.
+
+As against these extravagances I must record the fact that my
+parsimony in monetary matters survived. Mr. John, in Sussex Street,
+presently raised my salary to two pounds ten shillings a week; but I
+continued to share Mr. Smith's bedroom, and to pay only sixteen
+shillings weekly for my board and lodging. What was more to the point,
+I was equally careful in most other matters affecting expenditure, and
+never added less than a pound each week to my savings bank account; an
+achievement by no means always equalled in after years, even when
+earnings were ten times larger. I may have, and did indulge in the
+most extravagant conceits of the mind. But these never seriously
+affected my pocket.
+
+There is perhaps something rather distasteful in the idea of so much
+economic prudence in one so young. A certain generous carelessness is
+proper to youth. Well, I had none of it, at this time, in money
+matters. And, distasteful or not, I am glad of it, since, at all
+events, it had this advantage: at a very critical period I was
+preserved from the grosser and more perilous indulgences of youth.
+When the time did arrive at which I ceased to be very careful in money
+spending, I had presumably acquired a little more balance, and was a
+little safer than in those adolescent Sydney years.
+
+Here again my qualities were presumably the product of my condition
+and circumstances. To be left quite alone in the world while yet a
+child, as I had been, does, I apprehend, stimulate a certain worldly
+prudence in regard, at all events, to so obvious a matter as the
+balance of income and expenditure. I felt that if I were ever stranded
+and penniless there would be no one in the whole world to lend me a
+helping hand, or to save me from being cut adrift from all that I had
+come to hold precious, and flung back into the slough of manual
+labour--for that, curiously enough, is how I then regarded it. Not, of
+course, that I had found manual work in itself unpleasant in any way;
+but that I then considered my escape from it had carried me into a
+social and mental atmosphere superior to that which the manual worker
+could reach.
+
+Except when he was absent from Sydney, Mr. Rawlence always received
+his friends at the Macquarie Street studio on Sundays, and none was
+more regular in attendance than myself. It would be very easy, of
+course, to be sarcastic at Mr. Rawlence's expense; to poke fun at the
+well-to-do gentleman approaching middle age, who clung to the pretence
+of being a working artist, and to avoid criticism, or because more
+mature workers would not seek his society, liked to surround himself
+with neophytes--a Triton among minnows. And indeed, as I found, there
+were those--some old enough to know better, and others young enough to
+be more generous--who were not above adopting this attitude even
+whilst enjoying their victim's hospitality; aye, and enjoying it
+greedily.
+
+But neither then nor at any subsequent period was I tempted to
+ridicule a man uniformly kind and helpful to me; and this, not at all
+because I blinded myself to his weaknesses and imperfections, but
+because I found, and still find, these easily outweighed by his good
+and genuinely kindly qualities. His may not have been a very dignified
+way of life; it was too full of affectations for that; particularly
+after he began to be greatly influenced by the rather sickly aesthetic
+movement then in vogue in London. But it was, at least, a harmless
+life; and, upon the whole, a generous and kindly one.
+
+Its influence upon me, for example, tended, I am sure, to give me a
+pronounced distaste for the coarse and vulgar sort of dissipation
+which very often engaged the leisure of my office companions, and
+other youths of similar occupation in Sydney. It may be that the
+causes behind my aloofness from mere vulgar frivolity, and worse, were
+pretty mixed: part pride, or even conceit, and part prudence or
+parsimony. No matter. The influence was helpful, for the abstention
+was real, and the distaste grew always more rooted as time wore on.
+Also, the same influence tended to make me more fastidious, more
+critical, less crude than I might otherwise have been. It led me to
+give more serious attention to pictures, music, and literature of the
+less ephemeral sort than I might otherwise have given. It was not that
+Mr. Rawlence and his friends advised one to study Shakespeare, or to
+attend the better sort of concerts, or to learn something of art and
+criticism. But talk that I heard in that studio did make me feel that
+it was eminently desirable I should inform myself more fully in these
+matters.
+
+Listening to a discussion there of some quite worthless thing more
+than once moved me to the investigation of something of real value. I
+was still tolerably credulous, and when a man's casual reference
+suggested that he and every one else was naturally intimate with this
+or that, I would make it my business, so far as might be, really to
+obtain some knowledge of the matter. I assumed, often quite
+mistakenly, no doubt, that every one else present had this particular
+knowledge. Thus the spirit of emulation helped me as it might never
+have done but for Mr. Rawlence and his sumptuous studio, so rich in
+everything save examples of his own work.
+
+* * * * *
+
+I fancy it must have been fully a year after my arrival in Sydney that
+I met Mr. Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_, as I was walking down
+from Sussex Street to Circular Quay one evening.
+
+'Ah, Freydon,' he said; 'what an odd coincidence! I was this moment
+thinking of you, and of something you said last Sunday at Rawlence's.
+I can't use the article you sent me. It's-- Well, for one thing, it's
+rather too much like fiction; like a story, you know. But, tell me,
+what do you do for a living?'
+
+'I'm a correspondence clerk, at present, in a Sussex Street business
+house.'
+
+'H'm! Yes, I rather thought something of the sort--and very good
+practical training, too, I should say. But I gather you are keen on
+press work, eh?'
+
+I gave an eager affirmative, and the editor nodded.
+
+'Ye--es,' he said musingly as we turned aside into Wynyard Square. 'I
+should think you'd do rather well at it. But, mind you, I fancy there
+are bigger rewards to be won in business.'
+
+'If there are, I don't want them,' I rejoined, with a warmth that
+surprised myself.
+
+'Ah! Well, there's only one way, you know, in journalism as in other
+things. One must begin at the foundations, and work right through to
+the roof. I'll tell you what; if you'd care to come on the
+_Chronicle_--reporting, you know--I could give you a vacancy now.'
+
+No doubt I showed the thrill this announcement gave me when I thanked
+him for thinking of me.
+
+'Oh, that's all right. There's no favour in it. I wouldn't offer it if
+I didn't think you'd do full justice to it. And, mind you, there's
+nothing tempting about it, financially at all events. I couldn't start
+you at more than two or three pounds a week.'
+
+Now here, despite my elation, I spoke with a shrewdness often
+recalled, but rarely repeated by me in later life. A curious thing
+that, in one so young, and evidence of one of the inconsistencies
+about my development which I have noted before in this record.
+
+'Oh, well,' I said, 'I should not, of course, like to lose money by
+the change; but if you could give me three pounds a week I shouldn't
+be losing, and I'd be delighted to come.'
+
+It falls to be noted that I was earning two pounds ten shillings a
+week from Messrs. J. Canning and Son at that time. I do not think
+there was anything dishonest in what I said to Foster; but it
+certainly indicated a kind of business sharpness which has been rather
+noticeably lacking in my later life. The editor nodded ready
+agreement, and it was in this way that I first entered upon
+journalistic employment.
+
+
+XIX
+
+
+The work that I did as the most junior member of the _Chronicle's_
+literary staff no doubt possessed some of the merits which usually
+accompany enthusiasm.
+
+Memory still burdens me with the record of one or two articles thought
+upon which makes my skin twitch hotly. It is remarkable that matter so
+astoundingly crude should have seen the light of print. But, when one
+comes to think of it, the large, careless newspaper-reading public,
+the majority, remains permanently youthful so far as judgment of the
+written word is concerned; and so it may be that raw youngsters, such
+as I was then, can approach the majority more nearly than the tried
+and trained specialist, who, just in so far as he has specialised as a
+journalist, has removed himself from the familiar purview of the
+general, and acquired an outlook which, to this extent, is exotic.
+
+At all events, I know I achieved some success with articles in the
+_Chronicle_ of a sort which no experienced journalist could write,
+save with his tongue in his cheek; and tongue-in-the-cheek writing
+never really impressed anybody. What seems even more strange to me, in
+the light of later life and experience, is the fact that upon several
+occasions I proved of some value to the business side of the
+_Chronicle_. My efforts actually brought the concern money, and
+increased circulation. I find this most surprising, but I know it
+happened. There were due solely to my initiative 'interviews' with
+sundry leading lights in commerce, and in the professional sporting
+world, which were highly profitable to the paper; and this at a time
+when the 'interview' was a thing practically unknown in Australian
+journalism.
+
+Stimulated perhaps by the remarks of the good Mr. Smith, my room-mate,
+I planned ventures of this kind in bed, descending fully armed with
+them upon Mr. Foster by day, in most cases to fire him, more or less,
+by my own enthusiasm. Upon the whole I earned my pay pretty well while
+working for the _Chronicle_, even having regard to the several small
+increases made therein. If I lacked ability and experience, I gave
+more than most of my colleagues, perhaps, in concentration and
+initiative.
+
+The two things most salient, I think, which befell in this phase of my
+life were my determination to go to England, and my only adolescent
+love affair; this, as distinguished from the sentimental episodes of
+infancy and childhood, which with me had been a rather prolific crop.
+
+The determination to make my way to England, the land of my fathers,
+did not take definite shape until comedy, with a broad smile, rang
+down the curtain upon my love affair. But I fancy it had been a long
+while in the making. I am not sure but what the germ of it began to
+stir a little in its husk even at St. Peter's Orphanage; I feel sure
+it did while I browsed upon English fiction in my little wooden room
+beside the tool-shed at Dursley. It was near the surface from the time
+I began to visit Mr. Rawlence's studio in Macquarie Street, and busily
+developing from that time onward, though it did not become a visible
+and admitted growth, with features and a shape of its own, until more
+than two years had elapsed. Then, quite suddenly, I recognised it, and
+told myself it was for this really that I had been 'saving up.'
+
+In the Old World the adventurous-minded, enterprising youth turns
+naturally from contemplation of the humdrum security of the
+multitudinously trodden path in which he finds himself to thoughts of
+the large new lands; of those comparatively untried and certainly
+uncrowded uplands of the world, which, apart from the other chances
+and attractions they offer, possess the advantage of lying oversea,
+from the beaten track--over the hills and far away. 'Here,' he may be
+supposed to feel, as he gazes about him in his familiar, Old World
+environment, 'there is nothing but what has been tried and exploited,
+sifted through and through time and again, all adown the centuries.
+What chance is there for me among the crowd, where there is nothing
+new, nothing untried? Whereas, out there--' Ah, the magic of those
+words, 'Out there!' and 'Over there!' for home-bred youth! It is good,
+wholesome magic, too, and it will be a bad day for the Old World, a
+disastrous day for England, when it ceases to exercise its powers upon
+the hearts and imaginations of the youth of our stock.
+
+Well, and in the New World, in the case of such sprawling young giants
+among the nations of the future as Australia, what is the master dream
+of adventurous and enterprising youth there? Australia, like Canada,
+has its call of the west and the north, with their appealing tale of
+untried potentialities. Canada has also, across its merely figurative
+and political southern border, a vast and teeming world, reaching down
+to the equator, and comprising almost every possible diversity of
+human effort and natural resource. Australia, the purely British
+island continent, is more isolated. But, broadly speaking, the very
+facts which make the enterprising Old World youth fix his gaze upon
+the New World cause the same type of youth in Australia, for example,
+to look home-along across the seas, toward those storied islands of
+the north which, it may be, he has never seen: the land which, in some
+cases, even his parents have not seen since their childhood.
+
+'Here,' he may be imagined saying, as he looks about him among the raw
+uprising products of the new land, where the past is nothing and all
+hope centres upon the future, 'Here everything is yet to do;
+everything is in the making. Here, money's the only reward. Who's to
+judge of one's accomplishment here? Fame has no accredited deputy in
+this unmade world. Whereas, back there, at home--' Oh, the magic of
+those words 'At Home!' and 'In England!' alike for those who once have
+seen the white cliffs fade out astern, and for those who have seen
+them only in dreams, bow on!
+
+Everything has been tried and accomplished there. The very thought
+that speeds the emigrant pulls at the heart-strings of the immigrant;
+drawing home one son from the outposts, while thrusting out another
+toward the outposts, there to learn what England means, and to earn
+and deserve the glory of his birthright. That, in a nutshell, is the
+real history of the British Empire....
+
+But, as I said, before final recognition of the determination to go to
+England came my youthful love affair. With every apparent deference
+toward the traditions of romance, I fell in love with the daughter of
+my chief; and my fall was very thorough and complete. I was in the
+editorial sanctum one afternoon, discussing some piece of work, and
+getting instructions from Mr. Foster--'G.F.' as we called him--when the
+door was flung open, as no member of the staff would ever have opened
+it, and two very charming young women fluttered in, filling the whole
+place by their simple presence there. One was dark and the other fair:
+the first, my chief's daughter Mabel; the second, her bosom friend,
+Hester Prinsep.
+
+'Oh, father, we're all going down to see Tommy off. I want to get some
+flowers, and I've come out without a penny, so I want some money.'
+
+My chief had risen, and was drawing forward a chair for Miss Prinsep.
+I do not think he intended to pay the same attention to his daughter,
+but I did, and received a very charming smile for my pains. Upon which
+G.F. presented me in due form to both ladies. Turning then to his
+daughter, he said with half-playful severity:
+
+'You know, Mabel, we are not accustomed to your rough and ready Potts
+Point manners here. We knock at doors before we open them, and do at
+least inquire if a man is engaged before we swoop down upon him
+demanding his money or his life.'
+
+'Father! as though I should think of you as being engaged! And as for
+the money part, I thought this was the very place to come to for
+money.'
+
+'Ah! Well, how did you come?'
+
+'The cab's waiting outside.'
+
+'Dear me! You may have noticed, Freydon, that cabmen are a peculiarly
+gallant class. They don't show much inclination to drive us about when
+we have no money, do they?'
+
+Then he turned to Miss Prinsep. 'And so your brother really starts for
+England to-day, Hester? I almost think I'll have to make time to dash
+down and wish him luck.'
+
+'Oh, do, Mr. Foster! Tommy would appreciate it.'
+
+'Yes, do, father,' echoed Miss Foster. 'Come with us now. That will be
+splendid.'
+
+'No, I can't manage that. You go and buy your flowers, and I'll try
+and get away in time to take you both home. Here's a sovereign; and-- Ah!
+you'd better have some silver for your cab. H'm! Here you are.'
+
+'Thanks awfully, father. You are a generous dear. That will be lots.
+The cab's Gurney's, you see, so I can tell him to put it down in the
+account. But the silver's sure to come in handy, for I'm dreadfully
+poor just now.'
+
+G.F. shrugged his shoulders, with a comic look in my direction.
+'Feminine honesty! Take the silver, and tell the cabman to charge me!
+Freydon, perhaps you'd be kind enough to see this brigand and her
+friend to their cab, will you? I think we are all clear about that
+article, aren't we? Right! On your way ask Stone to come in and see
+me, will you?'
+
+So he bowed us out, and I, in a state of most agreeable fluster,
+escorted the ladies to their waiting cab.
+
+'Good-bye, Mr. Freydon,' said Mabel Foster as she gave me her softly
+gloved little hand over the cab door. And, from that moment, I was her
+slave; only realising some few minutes later that I had been so
+unpardonably rude as never even to have glanced in Miss Prinsep's
+direction, to say nothing of bidding her good-bye.
+
+Miss Foster's was a well recognised and conventional kind of beauty,
+very telling to my inexperienced eyes, and richly suggestive of
+romance. Her eyes were large, dark, and, as the novelists say,
+'melting.' Her face was a perfectly regular oval, having a clear olive
+complexion, with warm hints of subdued colour in it. Her lips were
+most provocative, and all about the edges of that dark cloud, her
+hair, the light played fitfully through a lattice of stray tendrils. A
+very pretty picture indeed, Miss Foster was perfectly conscious of her
+charms, and a mistress of coquettishness in her use of them. A true
+child of pleasure-loving Sydney, she might have posed with very little
+preparation as a Juliet or a Desdemona, and to my youthful fancy
+carried about with her the charming gaiety and romantic tenderness of
+the most delightful among Boccaccio's ladies. (Sydney was just then
+beginning to be referred to by writers as the Venice of the Pacific,
+and I was greatly taken with the comparison.)
+
+A week or so later, I was honoured by an invitation to dine at my
+chief's house one Saturday night; and from that point onward my visits
+became frequent, my subjugation unquestioning and complete. This was
+the one brief period of my youth in which I flung away prudence and
+became youthfully extravagant, not merely in thought but in the
+expenditure of money. I suppose fully half my salary, for some time,
+was given to the purchase of sweets and flowers, pretty booklets and
+the like, for Mabel Foster; and, of the remainder of my earnings, the
+tailor took heavier toll than he had ever done before.
+
+For example, when that first invitation to dinner reached me--on a
+Monday--I had never had my arms through the sleeves of a dress-coat.
+Mr. Smith kindly offered the loan of his time-honoured evening suit,
+pointing out, I dare say truly, that such garments were being 'cut
+very full just now.' But, no; I felt that the occasion demanded an
+epoch-marking plunge on my part; and to this end Mr. Smith was good
+enough to introduce me to his own tailor, through whom, as I
+understood, I could obtain the benefit of some sort of trade reduction
+in price, by virtue of Mr. Smith's one time position as a commercial
+traveller.
+
+During the week the eddies caused by my plunge penetrated beyond the
+world of tailoring, and doubtless produced their effect upon the white
+tie and patent leather shoe trade. But despite my lavish preparations,
+Saturday afternoon found me in the blackest kind of despair. Fully
+dressed in evening kit, I had been sitting on my bed for an hour, well
+knowing that all shops were closed, and facing the lamentable fact
+that I had no suitable outer garment with which to cloak my splendour
+on the way to Potts Point. It was Mr. Smith who discovered the
+omission, and he, too, who had made me feel the full tragedy of it.
+The covert coat he pressed upon me would easily have buttoned behind
+my back, and Mrs. Hastings's kindly offer of a shawl (a vivid plaid
+which she assured me had been worn and purchased by no less an
+authority upon gentlemen's wear than her father) had been finally,
+almost bitterly, rejected by me.
+
+It was then, when my fate seemed blackest to me, that Mr. Smith
+discovered in the prolific galleries of his well-stored memory the
+fact that it was perfectly permissible for a gentleman in my case to
+go uncovered by any outer robe, providing--and this was
+indispensable--that he carried some preferably light cloak or overcoat
+upon his arm.
+
+'And the weather being close and hot, too, as it certainly is to-night,
+I'll wager you'll find you're quite in the mode if you get to
+Potts Point with my covert coat on your arm. So that settles it.'
+
+It did; and I was duly grateful. It certainly was a hot evening, and
+in no sense any fault of Mr. Smith's that its warmth brought a heavy
+thunderstorm of rain just as I began my walk up the long hill at Potts
+Point, so that, taking shelter here and there, as opportunity offered,
+but not daring to put on the enormously over-large coat, I finally ran
+up to the house in pouring rain, with a coat neatly folded over one
+arm. A few years later, no doubt, I should have been glad to slip the
+coat on, or fling it over my head. But--it did not happen a few years
+later....
+
+My worshipful adoration of Miss Foster made me neglectful even of Mr.
+Rawlence's Sunday afternoon receptions. To secure the chance of being
+rewarded by five minutes alone with her, in the garden or elsewhere, I
+suppose I must have given up hundreds of hours from a not very
+plentiful allowance of leisure. And it is surprising, in retrospect,
+to note how steadfast I was in my devotion; how long it lasted.
+
+The young woman had ability; there's not a doubt of that. For, ardent
+though I was, she allowed no embarrassing questions. I am free to
+suppose that my devotion was not unwelcome or tiresome to her, and
+that she enjoyed its innumerable small fruits in the shape of
+offerings. But she kept me most accurately balanced at the precise
+distance she found most agreeable. My letters--the columns and columns
+I must have written!--were most fervid; and a good deal more eloquent,
+I fancy, than my oral courtship. But yet I have her own testimony for
+it that Mabel approved my declamatory style of love-making; the style
+used when actually in the presence.
+
+The end was in this wise: I called, ostensibly to see Mrs. Foster, on
+a Saturday afternoon, when I knew, as a matter of fact, that my chief
+and his wife were attending a function in Sydney. It was a winter's
+day, very blusterous and wet. The servant having told me her mistress
+was out, and Miss Mabel in, was about to lead me through the long,
+wide hall to the drawing-room, which opened through a conservatory
+upon a rear verandah, when some one called her, and I assured her I
+could find my own way. So the smiling maid (who doubtless knew my
+secret) left me, and I leisurely disposed of coat and umbrella, and
+walked through the house. The shadowy drawing-room was empty, but, as
+I entered it, these words, spoken in Mabel's voice, reached me from
+the conservatory beyond:
+
+'My dear Hester, how perfectly absurd. A little unknown reporter boy,
+picked up by father, probably out of charity! And, besides, you know I
+should always be true to Tommy, however long he is away. Why, I often
+mention my reporter boy to Tommy in writing. And he is delicious, you
+know; he really is. I believe you're jealous. He is a pretty boy, I
+know. But you'd hardly credit how sweetly he-- Well, romances, you
+know. He really is too killingly sweet when he makes love-- Oh, with
+the most knightly respect, my dear! Very likely he will come in this
+afternoon, and you shall hear for yourself. You shall sit out here,
+and I'll keep him in the drawing-room. Then you'll see how well in
+hand he is.'
+
+It was probably contemptible of me not to have coughed, or blown my
+nose, or something, in the first ten seconds. But the whole speech did
+not occupy very many seconds in the making, and was half finished
+before I realised, with a stunning shock, what it meant. It went on
+after the last words I have written here, but at that point I retired,
+backward, into the hall to collect myself, as they say. I had various
+brilliant ideas in the few seconds given to this process. I saw
+myself, pitiless but full of dignity, inflicting scathing punishment
+of various kinds, and piling blazing coals of fire upon Mabel's pretty
+head. I thought, too, of merely disappearing, and leaving conscience
+to make martyrdom of my fair lady's life. But perhaps I doubted the
+inquisitorial capacity of her conscience. At all events, in the end, I
+rattled the drawing-room door-handle vigorously, and re-entered with a
+portentous clearing of the throat. There was a flutter and patter in
+the conservatory, and then the hitherto adored one came in to me, an
+open book in her hand, and witchery in both her liquid eyes.
+
+And then a most embarrassing and unexpected thing happened. My wrath
+fell from me, carrying with it all my smarting sense of humiliation,
+and every vestige of the desire to humiliate or punish Mabel. I was
+left horribly unprotected, because conscious only of the totally
+unexpected fact that Mabel was still adorable, and that now, when
+about to leave her for ever, I wanted her more than at any previous
+time. Then help came to me. I heard a tiny footfall, light as a leaf's
+touch, on the paved floor of the conservatory. I pictured the
+listening Hester Prinsep, and pride, or some useful substitute
+therefor, came to my aid.
+
+'I'm afraid I've interrupted you,' I said, making a huge effort to
+avoid seeing the witchery in Mabel's eyes. 'I only came to bring this
+book for Mrs. Foster. I had promised it.'
+
+'But why so solemn, poor knight? What's wrong? Won't you sit down?'
+said Mabel gaily.
+
+'No, I mustn't stay,' I replied, with Spartan firmness. And then, on a
+sudden impulse: 'Don't you think we've both been rather mistaken,
+Mabel? I've been silly and presumptuous, because, of course, I'm
+nobody--just a penniless newspaper reporter. And you--you are very
+dear and sweet, and will soon marry some one who can give you a house
+like this, in Potts Point. I--I've all my way to make yet, and--and so
+I'd like to say good-bye. And--thank you ever so much for always
+having been so sweet and so patient. Good-bye!'
+
+'Why? Aren't you--Won't you--Good-bye then!'
+
+And so I passed out; and, having quite relinquished any thought of
+reprisals, I believe perhaps I did, after all, bring a momentary
+twinge of remorse to pretty, giddy Mabel Foster. I never saw her again
+but once, and that as a mere acquaintance, and when almost a year had
+passed.
+
+
+XX
+
+
+I have no idea what made me fix upon the particular sum of two hundred
+pounds as the amount of capital required for my migration oversea to
+England; but that was the figure I had in mind. At the time it seemed
+that the decision to go home--England is still regularly spoken of as
+'home' by tens of thousands of British subjects who never have set
+eyes upon its shores, and are not acquainted with any living soul in
+the British Isles--came to me after that eventful afternoon at Potts
+Point. And as a definite decision, with anything like a date in view,
+perhaps it did not come till then. But the tendency in that direction
+had been present for a long while.
+
+It would seem, however, that at every period of my life I have always
+been feeding upon some one predominant plan, desire, or objective. For
+many months prior to that afternoon at Potts Point, my adoration of
+Mabel Foster had overshadowed all else, and made me most unusually
+careless of other interests. This preoccupation having come to an
+abrupt end was succeeded almost immediately by the fixed determination
+to go to England as soon as I could acquire the sum of two hundred
+pounds. Into the pursuit then of this sum of money I now plunged with
+considerable vehemence.
+
+As a matter of fact, I suppose the task of putting together a couple
+of hundred pounds, in London say, would be a pretty considerable one
+for a youngster without family or influence. It was not a hard one for
+me, in Sydney. I might probably have possessed the amount at this very
+time, but for my single period of extravagance--the time of devotion
+to Miss Foster. Putting aside the vagaries of that period, I saved
+money automatically. Mere living and journeying to and from the office
+cost me less than a pound each week. My pleasures cost less than half
+that amount all told; and as one outcome of my year's extravagance, I
+was now handsomely provided for in the matter of clothes.
+
+But I will not pretend that hoarding for the great adventure of going
+to England did not involve some small sacrifices. It did. To take one
+trifle now. I had formed a habit of dropping into a restaurant, Quong
+Tart's by name, for a cup of afternoon tea each day; in the first
+place because I had heard Mabel Foster speak of going there for the
+same purpose with her friend Hester Prinsep. Abstention from this
+dissipation now added a few weekly shillings to the great adventure
+fund. To the same end I gave up cigarettes, confining myself to the
+one foul old briar pipe. And there were other such minor abstinences,
+all designed to increase the weight of the envelope I handed across
+the bank counter each week.
+
+The disadvantages of the habit of making life a consecutive series of
+absorbing preoccupations are numerous. The practice narrows the sphere
+of one's interests and activities, tends to introspective egoism, and
+robs the present of much of its savour. But, now and again, it has its
+compensations. Save for a single week-end of rather pensive moping,
+the end of my love affair changed the colour of my outlook but very
+little indeed. Its place was promptly filled, or very nearly filled,
+by the other preoccupation. And, keen though I was about this, I did
+not in any sense become an ascetic youth held down by stern resolves.
+I think I rather enjoyed the small sacrifices and the steady saving;
+and I know I very much enjoyed applying for and obtaining another
+small increase of salary, after completing a trumpery series of
+sketches of pleasure resorts near Sydney, the publication of which
+brought substantial profit to the _Chronicle_.
+
+One thing that did rather hurt me at this time was a comment made upon
+myself, and accidentally overheard by me in the reporters' room at the
+office. This was a remark made by an American newspaper man, who,
+having been a month or two on the staff, was dismissed for
+drunkenness. He spoke in a penetrating nasal tone as I approached the
+open door of the room, and what he said to his unknown companion came
+as such a buffet in the face to me that I turned and walked away. The
+words I heard were:
+
+'Freydon? Oh yes; clever, in his ten cent way. I allow the chap's
+honest, mind, but, sakes alive, he's only what a N'York thief would
+call a "sure thing grafter."'
+
+The phrase was perfectly unfamiliar to me, but intuitively I knew
+exactly what it meant, and I suppose it hurt because I felt its
+applicability. A 'sure thing grafter' was a criminal who took no
+chances, I felt; an adventurer who played for petty stakes only,
+because he would face no risks. Even the American pressman knew I was
+no criminal. He probably would have despised me less if he thought I
+stole. But--there it was. The chance shaft went home. And it hurt.
+
+I dare say there was considerable pettiness about the way in which I
+saved my earnings instead of squandering them with glad youthfulness,
+as did most of my colleagues. There was something of the huckster's
+instinct, no doubt, in many of the trivial journalistic ideas I
+evolved, took to my chief, and pleased my employers by carrying out
+successfully. I suppose these were the petty ways by which I managed
+somehow to clamber out of the position in which my father's death had
+left me. They are set down here because they certainly were a part of
+my life. I am not ashamed of them, but I do wonder at them rather as a
+part of my life; not at all as something beneath me, but as something
+suggesting the possession of a kind of commercial gift for 'getting
+on,' of which my after life gave little or no indication. In all my
+youth there was undoubtedly a marked absence of the care-free jollity,
+the irresponsible joyousness, which is supposed to belong naturally to
+youth. This was not due, I think, to the mere fact of my being left
+alone in the world as a child. We have all met urchins joyous in the
+most abject destitution. I attribute it to two causes: inherited
+temperamental tendencies, and the particular circumstances in which I
+happened to be left alone in the world. Had I been born in a slum, and
+subsequently left an orphan there; or had my father's death occurred
+half a dozen years earlier than it did; in either case my
+circumstances would, I apprehend, have influenced me far less.
+
+As things were with me when I found myself in the ranks of the
+friendless and penniless, I had formed certain definite tastes and
+associations, the influence of which was such as to make me earnestly
+anxious to get away from that strata of the community which my
+companions at St. Peter's Orphanage, for example, accepted
+unquestioningly as their own. Now when a youngster in his early teens
+is possessed by an earnest desire of that sort, I suppose it is not
+likely to stimulate irresponsible gaiety and carelessness in him.
+
+But, withal, I enjoyed those Sydney years; yes, I savoured the life of
+that period with unfailing zest. But, incidents of the type which dear
+old Mrs. Gabbitas called 'Awful warnings,' were for me more real, more
+impressive, than they are to youths who live in comfortably luxurious
+homes, and know the care of mother and sisters. The normal youth is
+naturally not often moved to the vein of--'There, but for the grace of
+God, goes ---- etc.' But I was, inevitably.
+
+For instance, there was the American journalist who so heartily
+despised my bourgeois prudence and progress. As I walked through the
+Domain one evening, not many months after I had heard myself compared
+with a 'sure thing grafter,' I saw a piece of human wreckage curled up
+under a tree in the moonlight. It was not a very infrequent sight of
+course, even in prosperous Sydney, This particular wreck, as he lay
+sleeping there, exposed the fact that he wore neither shirt nor socks.
+He was dreadfully filthy, and his stertorous breathing gave a clue to
+the cause of his degradation. As I drew level with him, the moon shone
+full on his stubble-grown face. He was the American reporter.
+
+Here was a chance to return good for evil. I might have done several
+quite picturesque things, and did think of leaving a coin beside the
+poor wretch. Then I pictured its inevitable destination, and
+impatiently asked myself why sentimentality should carry money of mine
+into public-house tills. So I passed on. Finally, after walking a
+hundred yards, I retraced my steps and slid half a crown under the
+man's grimy hand, where it lay limply on the grass.
+
+
+XXI
+
+
+The work that gave me most satisfaction at this time was writing of a
+kind which I could not induce my chief to favour for his own purposes.
+He said it was not sufficiently 'legitimate journalism' for the
+_Chronicle_. (The 'eighties were still young.) And only at long
+intervals was I able to persuade him to accept one or two examples,
+though I insisted it was the best work I had ever attempted for the
+paper; as, indeed, it very likely was.
+
+'But this is practically a story,' or 'This is really fiction,' or
+'This is a sketch of a personal character, not a newspaper feature,'
+he would say. And then, one day, in handing me back one of my rejected
+offspring, he said: 'Look here, Freydon, see if you can condense this
+a shade, and then send it to the editor of the _Observer_. I've
+written him saying I should tell you this.'
+
+I followed this kindly advice, and, a month later, enjoyed the
+profound satisfaction of reading my little contribution in the famous
+Australian weekly journal. The fact would have no interest for any one
+else, of course, but I have always remembered this little sketch of a
+type of Australian bushman, because it was the first signed
+contribution from my pen to appear in any journal of standing; the
+first of a series which appeared perhaps once in a month during the
+rest of my time in Sydney.
+
+People I met in Mr. Rawlence's studio occasionally mentioned these
+sketches, and I took great pleasure in them. Incidentally, they added
+to my hoard at the bank. Mr. Smith, my room-mate at North Shore, had
+hitherto regarded my newspaper work strictly from a business
+standpoint; judging it solely by the salary it brought. Suddenly now I
+found I had touched an unsuspected vein of his character. He was
+surprisingly pleased about these signed _Observer_ sketches. This was
+authorship, he said; and he spoke to every one, with most kindly
+pride, of his young friend's work.
+
+My account at the savings bank touched the desired two hundred pounds
+mark, when I had been just three years and nine months in Sydney. I
+decided to add to it until I had completed my fourth year; and,
+meantime, made inquiries about the passage to England. From this point
+on I made no secret of my intentions, and a very kindly reply came
+from Mrs. Perkins in Dursley to the letter in which I told her of my
+plan. At a venture I addressed a letter to Ted, my old friend of
+_Livorno_ days; but it brought no answer. Neither had the letter of
+nearly four years earlier, in which his loan of one pound had been
+returned with warm thanks.
+
+The months slipped by, and the fourth anniversary of my start in
+Sydney arrived; and still I postponed from day to day the final step
+of resigning my appointment, and booking my passage. I cannot explain
+this at all, for I had become more and more eager for the adventure
+with every passing month. I do not think timidity restrained me. No, I
+fancy a kind of epicurean pleasure in the hourly consciousness that I
+was able now to take the step so soon as I chose induced me to prolong
+the savouring of it; just as I have sometimes found myself
+deliberately refraining for hours, and even for a day or so, from
+opening a parcel of books which I have desired and looked forward to
+enjoying for some time previously.
+
+The awakening from this sort of epicurean dalliance was, as the event
+proved, somewhat sharp and abrupt.
+
+I did presently resign my post and engage my second-class berth in the
+mail steamer _Orion_. Upon this reservation I paid a deposit of twenty
+pounds; and it seemed that when my passage had been fully paid, and
+one or two other necessary expenses met, I might still have my two
+hundred pounds intact to carry with me to England.
+
+Thus I felt that I was handsomely provided for; and, upon the whole, I
+think the average person who has reached middle life, at all events,
+would find it easy to regard with understanding tolerance the fact
+that I was rather proud of what I had accomplished. It really was
+something, all the attendant circumstances being taken into account.
+But, perhaps, it is not always safe to trust too implicitly in the
+genial old faith that Providence helps those who help themselves;
+though the complementary theory, that Providence does not help those
+who do not help themselves, may be pretty generally correct. Maybe I
+was too complaisant. (If I have a superstition to-day, it is that a
+jealous Nemesis keeps vengeful watch upon human complaisance.)
+
+On a certain Thursday morning, and in a mood of some elation, I walked
+into the bank to close my account. The amount was two hundred and
+forty-seven pounds ten shillings. Of this some twenty-five pounds was
+destined to complete the payment that morning of my passage money. The
+cashier was able to furnish me with Bank of England notes for two
+hundred pounds, and the balance, for convenience and ready-money, I
+drew in Australian notes and gold. Never before having handled at one
+time a greater sum than, say, five-and-twenty pounds, it was with a
+sense of being a good deal of a capitalist that I buttoned my coat as
+I emerged from the bank, and set out for the shipping-office. The sun
+shone warmly. My arrangements were all completed. I was going home.
+Yes, it was with something of an air, no doubt, that I took the
+pavement, humming as I passed along the bright side of Pitt Street.
+
+All my life I have had a fondness for byways. Main thoroughfares
+between the two great arteries, Pitt and George Street, were at my
+service; but I preferred a narrow alley which brings one to the back
+premises of Messrs. Hunt and Carton's, the wholesale stationers.
+Bearing to the left through that firm's stableyard, one passes through
+a little arched opening which debouches upon Tinckton Street, whence
+in twenty paces one reaches George Street at a point close to the
+office for which I was bound.
+
+I can see now the sleek-sided lorry horses in Hunt and Carton's yard, and
+I recall precisely the odour of the place as I passed through it that
+morning; the heavy, flat wads of blue-wrapped paper, and the fluttering
+bits of straw; the stamp of a draught horse's foot on cobble-stones. I
+saw the black, clean-cut shadow of the arched place. I turned half round
+to note the cause of a soft sound behind me. And just then came the dull
+roar of a detonation, in the same instant that a huge weight crashed upon
+me, and I fell down, down, down into the very bowels of the earth....
+
+* * * * *
+
+'No actual danger, I think. Excuse me, nurse!'
+
+Those were the first words I heard. The first I spoke, I believe,
+were:
+
+'I suppose the arch collapsed?'
+
+'Ah! To be sure, yes. There was quite a collapse, wasn't there?' said
+some one blandly. 'However, you're all right now. Just open your mouth
+a little, please. That's right. Better? Ah! H'm! Yes, there's bound to
+be pain in the head; but we'll soon have that a bit easier.'
+
+After that, it seemed to me that I began to take some kind of warm
+drink, and to talk almost at once. As a fact, I believe there was
+another somnolent interval of an hour or so before I did actually
+reach this stage of taking refreshment and asking questions. It was
+then late evening, and I was in bed in the Sydney Hospital. There had
+been no earthquake, nor yet even the collapse of an archway. Nothing
+at all, in fact, except that I had been smitten over the head with an
+iron bar. There had been two blows, I believe; and, if so, the second
+must really have been a work of supererogation, for I was conscious
+only of the one crash.
+
+In one illuminating instant I recalled my visit to the bank, my two
+hundred and forty-seven pounds ten shillings, my intended visit to the
+shipping-office, the approaching end and climax of my work in Sydney
+and Dursley--six years of it.
+
+'Nurse,' I said, with sudden, low urgency, 'will you please see if my
+pocket-book is in my coat?'
+
+'Everything is taken out of patients' pockets and locked up for
+safety,' she said.
+
+'Well, will you please inquire what amount of money was taken from my
+pockets, nurse. It's--it's rather important,' I told her.
+
+The nurse urged the importance of my not thinking of business just
+now; but after a few more words she went out, gave some one a message,
+and, returning, said my matter would be seen to at once.
+
+It seemed to me that a very long time passed. My head was full of a
+tremendous ache. But my thoughts were active, and full of gloomy
+foreboding. Just as I was about to make another appeal to the nurse,
+the doctor came bustling down the ward with another man, a plain
+clothes policeman, I thought, with recollection of sundry newspaper
+reporting experiences. The surmise was correct. The doctor had a look
+at my head--his fingers were furnished apparently with red-hot steel
+prongs--and held my right wrist between his fingers. The police
+officer sat down heavily beside the bed, drew out a shiny-covered
+note-book, and began, in an astoundingly deep voice, to ask me
+laboriously futile questions.
+
+'Look here!' I said, after a few minutes, 'this is all very well, but
+would you be kind enough to tell me what money was found in my
+pockets?'
+
+'Two sovereigns, one half sovereign, seven shillings in silver, and
+tuppence in bronze,' said the sepulchral policeman, as though he
+thought 'tuppence' was usually 'in' marble, or _lignum vitae_, or
+something of the sort. 'Also one silver watch with leather guard, one
+plated cigarette-case, and----'
+
+'No pocket-book?' I interrupted despondently. The policeman brightened
+at that.
+
+'So there was a pocket-book? I thought so,' the brilliant creature
+said. And after that I lost all interest in these bedside proceedings.
+I referred the man to the _Chronicle_ office, the bank, and the
+shipping-office, and requested as a special favour that Mr. Smith
+should be sent for; also, on a journalistic afterthought, a reporter
+from the _Chronicle_. The numbers of the bank-notes had been written
+down. Oh yes, on the advice of the bank clerk, I had done this
+carefully at the bank counter, and preserved the record scrupulously--in
+the missing pocket-book.
+
+The police--marvellous men--ascertained next morning that the notes
+had been cashed at the Bank of New South Wales, in George Street,
+within half an hour of the time at which I obtained them from the
+savings bank. And that was the last I ever heard of them.
+
+Twenty-four hours later I was called upon to identify an arrested
+suspect who had been seen in the vestibule of the bank at the time of
+my call. I did identify the poor wretch. He was the American reporter
+who had been discharged from the _Chronicle_ staff. But nobody at the
+Bank of New South Wales remembered ever having seen the man, and I
+said at once that I could not possibly identify my assailant, not even
+having known that any one had attacked me until I was told of it in
+hospital.
+
+The police appeared to regard me as a most unsatisfactory kind of
+person, as I doubtless was from their point of view. But they had to
+release the American, although, when arrested, he had two shining new
+sovereigns in his ragged pockets, and was full of assorted alcoholic
+liquors. Their theory was that in some way or another the American had
+known of my movements and plans, and communicated these to a
+professional 'strong arm' thief; that I had been shadowed to and from
+the bank, and that I might possibly have escaped attack altogether but
+for my addiction to byways.
+
+Their theory did not greatly interest me. For the time the central
+fact was all my mind seemed able to accommodate. My savings were gone,
+my passage to England forfeited, my bank account closed, and--so my
+hot eyes saw it--my career at an end.
+
+
+XXII
+
+
+From the medical standpoint there were no complications whatever in my
+case; it was just as simple as a cut finger. Regarded from this point
+of view, a broken head is a small matter indeed, in a youth of
+abstemious habits and healthy life. Well, he was a very thoroughly
+chastened youth who accepted the cheery physician's congratulations
+upon his early discharge from hospital.
+
+'Nuisance about the money,' admitted the doctor genially, as he
+twiddled his massive gold watch-chain. 'But it might have been a deal
+worse, you know; a very great deal worse. After all, health's the
+thing, the only thing that really matters.'
+
+The remark strikes me now as reasonable enough. At the time I thought
+it pretty vapid twaddle. Four quiet days I spent at my North Shore
+lodging, and then (by Mr. Foster's freely and most kindly given
+permission) back to the _Chronicle_ office again, just as before, save
+for one detail--I no longer had a banking account. But was it really,
+'just as before,' in any single sense? No, I think not; I think not.
+
+Often in the years that have passed since that morning chat with the
+cheerful physician in Sydney Hospital, I have heard folk speak lightly
+of money losses--other people's losses, as a rule--and talk of the
+comparative unimportance of these as against various other kinds of
+loss. Never, I think, at all events, since those Sydney days of mine,
+could any one justly charge me with overestimating the importance of
+money. And yet, even now, and despite the theories of the
+philosophers, I incline to the opinion that few more desolating and
+heart-breaking disasters can befall men and women than the loss of
+their savings. I would not instance such a case as mine. But I have
+known cases of both men and women who, in the later years, have lost
+the thrifty savings of a working life, savings accumulated very
+deliberately--and at what a cost of patient, long-sustained
+self-denial!--for a specific purpose: the purchase of their freedom in
+the closing years; their manumission from wage-earning toil. And I say
+that, in a world constituted as our world is, life knows few tragedies
+more starkly fell.
+
+As for my little loss I now think it likely that in certain ways I
+derived benefits from it; and, too, in other ways, permanent hurt. I
+was still standing in the doorway of my manhood; all my life and
+energy as a man before me. But it did not seem so at the time. At the
+time I thought of this handful of money as being the sole outcome and
+reward for six years of pretty strenuous working effort. (What a lot I
+overlooked!) I was far from telling myself that a lad of one-and-twenty
+had his career still to begin. On the contrary, it seemed my
+career had had for its culminating point the great adventure of going
+to England, to attain which long years of toilsome work had been
+necessary. These years had passed, the work was done, the culmination
+at hand; and now it was undone, the career was broken, all was lost.
+Oh, it was a dourly tragical young man who shared Mr. Smith's bedroom
+during the next few months.
+
+One odd apparent outcome of my catastrophe in a teacup has often
+struck me since. No doubt, if the truth were known quite other causes
+had been at work; but it is a curious fact that never, at any period
+of my life since the morning on which I so gaily closed that savings
+bank account, have I ever taken the smallest zest, interest, or
+pleasure in the saving of money. This seems to me rather odd and
+noteworthy. It is, I believe, strictly true.
+
+For a few weeks after resuming my working routine I plodded along in a
+rather dazed fashion, and without any definite purpose. And then,
+during a wakeful hour in bed (while Mr. Smith snored quite gently and
+inoffensively on the far side of our little room), I came to a
+definite decision. The brutal episode of the crowbar--the weapon which
+had felled me was found beside me, by the way; a heavy bar used for
+opening packing-cases, which the thief had evidently picked up as he
+came after me through Hunt and Carton's yard--should not be allowed to
+divert me from my course. Diversion at this stage was what I could not
+and would not tolerate. I would go to England just the same, and soon.
+I would put by a few pounds, and then work my passage home. I was
+perfectly clear about it, and fell asleep now, quite content.
+
+On the next day I began making inquiries. At first I thought I could
+manage it as a journalist, by writing eloquent descriptions of the
+passage. A little talk at the shipping-office served to disabuse my
+mind of this notion. Then I would go as a deck-hand. I was gently
+apprised of the fact that my services as a deck-hand might not greatly
+commend themselves to the average ship-master. My decision was not in
+the least affected by the little things I learned.
+
+Finally, I secured a personal introduction to the manager of the
+shipping-office in which my twenty pounds deposit was still held, and
+induced this gentleman to promise that he would, sooner or later,
+secure for me a chance to work my passage home. He would advise me, he
+said, when the chance arrived.
+
+With this I was satisfied, and returned in a comparatively cheerful
+mood to my plodding. I have a shrewd suspicion that my chief, Mr.
+Foster, used his good offices on my behalf with the shipping company's
+manager.
+
+Three months went slowly by. And then one morning a laconic note
+reached me from the shipping-office.
+
+'Could you do a bit of clerking in a purser's office? If so, please
+see me to-day.'
+
+It appeared that the assistant purser of one of the mail-boats had
+died while on the passage between Melbourne and Sydney. The company
+preferred to fill such vacancies in England, and so a temporary
+clerical assistant for the purser would be shipped. Would I care to
+undertake it for a five-pound note and my passage?
+
+Forty-eight hours later I had said good-bye to Sydney friends, and was
+installed at a desk in the purser's office on board the _Orimba_. I
+had twenty-two pounds and ten shillings in my trunk, and the promise
+of a five-pound note when the steamer should reach London. It was a
+kind of outsetting upon my great adventure quite different from that
+which I had planned. But it was an outsetting, and a better one than I
+had expected, for I had been prepared to work my passage as a deck-hand
+or steward.
+
+And so it fell out that when I did actually leave Australia I was too
+busy at my clerking, and at inventing soporific answers to the mostly
+irrelevant inquiries of more or less distracted passengers, to catch a
+glimpse of the land disappearing below the horizon--the land in which
+I had spent the most formative years of my life--or to spare a thought
+for any such matter as sea-sickness.
+
+
+
+
+MANHOOD--ENGLAND: FIRST PERIOD
+
+
+I
+
+
+Of late years the printers have given us reams and reams of first
+impressions of such world centres as London and New York. Not to
+mention the army of unknown globe-trotters and writers, celebrities of
+every sort and kind have recorded their impressions. I always smile
+when my eyes fall upon such writings; and, generally, I recall,
+momentarily at all events, some aspect of my own arrival in England as
+purser's clerk on board the _Orimba_.
+
+When I read, for example, the celebrity's first impressions of New
+York--a confused blend of bouquets, automobiles, newspaper
+interviewers, incredibly high buildings, sumptuous luncheons, barbaric
+lavishness, bad road surfaces, frenetic hospitality, wild expenditure
+of paper money--I think it would be more interesting perhaps,
+certainly more instructive, to have the first impressions of the
+immigrant, who lands with five pounds, and it may be a wife and a
+child or two. Then there is the immigrant from the same end of the
+ship who is not allowed to land, who is rejected by the guardians of
+this Paradise on earth, because he has an insufficient number of
+shillings, or a weakness in his lungs. The bouquets, automobiles,
+sumptuous luncheons, and things do not, one may apprehend, figure
+largely in the first impressions of these last uncelebrated people,
+though their impressions may embrace quite as much of the reality
+concerned as do those of the famous; and, it may be, a good deal more.
+
+Broadly speaking, and as far as outlines go, I was in the position of
+one who sees England for the first time. There were, I know, subtle
+differences; yet, broadly speaking, that was my position. The native-born
+Australian, approaching the land of his fathers for the first
+time, comes to it with a mass of cherished lore and associations at
+least equal in weight and effect to my childhood's knowledge and
+experience of England. He very often comes also to relatives. I came,
+not only having no claim upon any single creature in these islands,
+but having no faintest knowledge of any one among them. I carried two
+letters of introduction: one from Mr. Foster to a London newspaper
+editor whom he knew only by correspondence, and the other from Mr.
+Rawlence to a painter, who just then (though I knew it not) was in
+Algiers.
+
+The purser paid me my five pounds before I left the ship, wished me
+luck, and vowed, as his habit was in saying good-bye to people, that
+he was very glad he had met me. And then I got into the train with my
+luggage, and set out for Fenchurch Street and the conquest of London.
+
+The passengers had all disappeared long since. England swallows up
+shiploads of them almost every hour without winking. My arrival
+differed in various ways from theirs. For instance, I had had no
+leisure in which to think about it, to anticipate it, until I was
+actually seated in the train, bound for Fenchurch Street. They had
+been arriving, in a sense, ever since we left the Mediterranean; after
+a passage, by the way, resembling in every particular all other
+passages from Australia to England in mail steamers.
+
+To be precise, I think the first impression received by me was that
+the England I had come to was a quite astonishingly dingy land. The
+people seemed to me to have a dingy pallor, like the table-linen of
+the cheaper sort of lodging-house. They looked, not so much ill as
+unwashed, not so much poor as cross, hipped, tired, worried, and
+annoyed about something. They wore their hats at an angle then
+unfamiliar to me, with a forward rake. They must laugh or, at any
+rate, smile sometimes, I thought. This is where _Punch_ comes from. It
+is the land of Dickens. It is, in short, Merry England. But, as I
+regarded the dingy, set faces from the railway's carriage window, it
+seemed inconceivable that their owners ever could have laughed, or
+screwed up the skin around their eyes to look out happily under sunny
+blue skies upon bright and cheery scenes.
+
+Since then I have again and again encountered the most indomitable
+cheerfulness in Londoners, in circumstances which would drive any
+Australian to tears, or blasphemy, or suicide, or to all three. And I
+know now that many Londoners wash as frequently as Australians, or
+nearly so. But my first impression of the appearance of those I saw
+was an impression of sour, cross, unwashed sadness. And, being an
+impressionable person, I immediately found an explanatory theory. The
+essential difference between these folk and people following similarly
+humble avocations in Sydney, I thought, is that these people, even
+those of them who, personally, were never acquainted with hunger, live
+in the shadow of actual want; even of actual starvation. In Sydney they
+do not. That accounts for the don't-care-a-damn light-heartedness seen in
+Australian faces, and for the dominance of care in these faces.
+
+I still had everything to learn, and have since learned some of it.
+And I do not think now that my theory was particularly incorrect. The
+mere physical fact that the working men in Sydney take a bath every
+day as a matter of course, and that in London they do not all take one
+every week, trifling as it may seem, is itself accountable for
+something. But the ever-present knowledge that starvation is a real
+factor in life, not in Asia, but in the house next door but one, if
+not in one's own house--that is a great moulder of facial expression.
+It plays no part whatever in the life of the country from which I had
+come.
+
+As my train drew to within half a dozen miles of its destination, I
+became vaguely conscious of the real inner London as distinguished
+from its extraordinary dockland and water approaches. We passed a huge
+and grimy dwelling-house, overlooking the railway, a 'model'
+dwelling-house; and in passing I caught sight of an incredible legend,
+graven in stone on the side of this building, intimating that here were
+the homes of more than one thousand families. That rather took my breath
+away.
+
+Then we dived into a tunnel, and emerged a few seconds later,
+screeching hoarsely, right in London. It hit me below the belt. I
+experienced what they call a 'sinking' feeling in the pit of my
+stomach. I thought what a fool I was, how puny and insignificant; and,
+again, what a fool I must be, to come blundering along here into the
+maw of this vast beast, this London--I and my miserable five-and-twenty
+pounds! For one wild moment the panic-born thought of hurrying
+back to my purser and begging re-engagement for the outward trip to
+Australia scuttled across my mind. And then the train jolted to a
+standstill, and, with a faint kind of nausea in my throat, I stepped
+out into London.
+
+I have to admit that it was not at all a glorious or inspiriting
+home-coming. It was as different from the home-coming of my dreams (when
+a minor capitalist) as anything well could be. But yet this was
+indubitably London, my destination; the objective of all my efforts
+for a long time past. A uniformed boot-black gave me a sudden thought
+of St. Peter's Orphanage--the connection, if any existed, must have
+been rather subtle--and that somehow stiffened my spine a little. Here
+I was, after all, the utterly friendless Orphanage lad who, a dozen
+thousand miles away, had willed that he should go out into the world,
+do certain kinds of things, meet certain kinds of people, and journey
+all across the world to his native England. Well, without much
+assistance, I had accomplished these things, and was actually there,
+in London. There was tingling romance in the thought of it, after all.
+No drizzling rain could alter that. Having successfully adventured so
+far, surely I was not to be daunted by dingy faces, bricks, and
+mortar, and houses said to accommodate a thousand families!
+
+And so, with tolerably authoritative words to a porter about luggage,
+I squared my shoulders in response to life's undeniable appeal to the
+adventurous.
+
+
+II
+
+
+When I had been a dozen years or more in London, a man I knew bewailed
+to me one night the fact that he had to leave Fenchurch Street Station
+in the small hours of the next morning, and did not know how on earth
+he would manage it.
+
+'Why not sleep there to-night?' I suggested carelessly.
+
+'Sleep there!' he repeated with a stare. 'But there are no hotels in
+that part of the world.'
+
+'Oh, bless you, yes!' said I. 'You try the Blue Boar. You will find it
+almost as handy as sleeping in the booking-office, without nearly so
+strong a smell of kippers and dirt.'
+
+I do not think my friend ventured upon the Blue Boar; but I did, a
+dozen years earlier, and stayed there for two nights. I wonder if any
+other new arrival from Australia has done that! Hardly, I think. And
+yet there is something to be said for it. It was quite inexpensive, as
+London hotels go. (They are all much more expensive than Australian
+hotels, though the cost of living in England is appreciably lower than
+it is in the Antipodes.) And putting up there obviates the
+embarrassing necessity of taking a cab from the station, when you
+cannot think of a place to which you can tell the man to drive.
+
+I cherish the thought that I have become something of a tradition at
+the Blue Boar, where I have reason to think I am probably remembered
+to-day by a now aged Boots and others--many, many others--as 'The
+genelmun as orduder bawth.'
+
+On rising after my first insomnious night there, I went prowling all
+about the house in search of the bathroom. Finally, I was routed back
+to my room by a newly-wakened maid (in curl-pins), who told me rather
+crossly that I could not have a 'bawth' unless I ordered it
+'before'and.' She did not say how long beforehand. But I was in a
+hurry to get out of doors, so I did without my bath, and promised
+myself I would see to it later in the day.
+
+That afternoon, footsore, tired, and feeling inexpressibly grimy, I
+interviewed the lady again, and begged permission to have a bath. She
+was then in a much brighter humour, and in curls in place of pins. She
+promised to arrange the matter shortly, and send some accredited
+representative to warn me when the psychological moment arrived. Where
+could I be found?
+
+'Oh, I'll go and undress at once,' I said.
+
+'No, don't do that, sir; I cawn't get a bawth all in a minute,' she
+told me. 'Perhaps you'd like to wite in the smokin'-room.'
+
+Grateful for the absence of the morning's crossness I agreed at once,
+and retired to the fly-blown smoking-room, where there was ample
+choice of distraction for a writing man between a moth-eaten volume
+called _King's Concordance_ and a South-Eastern Railway time-table
+cover, very solidly fashioned, with lots of crimson and gold, but no
+inside. Here I smoked half a pipe, and would have rested, but that I
+felt too dirty. Presently Boots came in, elderly and sad but furtively
+bird-like, both in the way he held his head on one side and in the
+jerky quickness of his movements:
+
+'You the genelmun as orduder bawth?' he asked anxiously. I admitted
+it, and he gave a long sigh of relief.
+
+'Oo! All right,' he said, almost gladly. 'I'll letcher know when it's
+ready.'
+
+And he hopped out. I finished my pipe, yawned, opened the Concordance,
+and shut it again hastily, by reason of the extraordinarily pungent
+mustiness its pages emitted. Then I went prospecting into the passage
+between the stairs and the private bar. Here I passed a sort of
+ticket-office window, at which a middle-aged Hebrew lady sat, eating
+winkles from a plate with the aid of a hairpin. Her face lit up with
+sudden interest as she saw me:
+
+'Oo!' she cried with spirit, 'er you the genelmun has orduder bawth?'
+Again I pleaded guilty, and with a broad, reassuring smile, as of one
+who should say: 'Bless you, we've had visitors just as mad as you
+before this, and never attempted to lasso or otherwise constrain them.
+There's no limit to our indulgence toward gentlemen afflicted as you
+are,' she nodded her ringleted head, and said: 'Right you are, sir.
+I'll send Boots to letcher know when it's ready.'
+
+Apart from consideration of her occupation, which seemed to me to
+demand privacy, I could not stand gazing at this lady, though I was
+momentarily inclined to ask if the Lord Mayor and his Aldermen had
+been invited to attend my bathing; so I passed on to the only refuge
+from the Concordance room--the private bar. There was a really
+splendid young lady in attendance here, who smiled upon me so sweetly
+that I felt constrained to order something to drink. Also, I was
+greatly athirst. But the trouble was it happened I had never tasted
+beer, and could think of nothing else suitable that was likely to be
+available. While I pondered, one hand on the counter, the still
+smiling barmaid opened conversation brightly:
+
+'Er you the genelmun what's orduder bawth?' she asked engagingly.
+
+I began to feel that there must be some kind of a special London joke
+about this formula. Perhaps it is a phrase in the current comic opera,
+I thought. A pity that ignorance should prevent my capping it! At all
+events I was saved for the moment from choosing a drink, for three
+hilarious city gentlemen entered from the street just then, and
+demanded instant attention. As I hung indeterminately, waiting, I
+heard a voice in the passage outside, and recognised it as belonging
+to that elderly bird, the Boots.
+
+'No, I ain't awastin' uv me time,' it said. 'I'm alookin' fer
+somebody. I serpose you ain't seed the genelmun as orduder bawth
+anywhere abart, 'ave yer?'
+
+Fearful lest further delay should lead to the bricking up of the
+bathroom, or to a crier being sent round the town for 'the genelmun,'
+etc., I hastened out almost into the arms of the retainer, and
+forcibly checked him, as he began on an interrogative note to cheep
+out: 'You the genelmun as orduder----'
+
+Coming from a country where, even in the poorest workman's house, the
+bathroom at all events is always in commission, I was greatly struck
+by this incident; more especially when, an hour later, I heard the
+chambermaid cry out over the banisters:
+
+'Mibel! The genelmun as orduder bawth sez 'e'll 'ave a chop wiv 'is
+tea!'
+
+
+III
+
+
+It was at the beginning of the second day at the Blue Boar that I
+counted over my money, and was rather startled to discover that
+expenditure in pennies can mount up quite rapidly.
+
+In those days pennies were comparatively infrequent, almost
+negligible, in Australia; the threepenny-bit representing for most
+purposes the lowest price asked for anything. (It still is a coin more
+generally used in Australia than anywhere else, I think.) Now, during
+my first day or so in London I was so struck by the number of things
+one could do and get for a penny, that it seemed I was really spending
+hardly anything. I covered enormous distances on the tops of
+omnibuses, and talked a great deal with their purple-faced drivers,
+most of whom wore tall hats, and carried nosegays in their coats. When
+beggars and crossing-sweepers asked, I gave, unhesitatingly, in the
+Australian fashion, as one gives matches when asked for them. I gave
+only pennies; and now was startled to find what a comparatively large
+sum can be disbursed in a day or so, in single pennies, upon 'bus
+fares, newspapers, charity, and the like.
+
+The two men to whom my only letters of introduction were addressed
+were both out of town: one in Algiers, the other, I gathered, on the
+Riviera. I suppose most people in London have never reflected on the
+oddity of the position of that person in their midst who does not know
+one solitary soul in the entire vast city. And yet, there must always
+be hundreds in that position. There was a time when I had serious
+thoughts of asking a policeman to recommend to me the cheapest quarter
+in which one might obtain a lodging, for I had already conceived a
+great admiration for the uniformed wardens of London's streets.
+
+I studied the newspaper advertisements under the heading 'Apartments.'
+But some instinct told me these did not refer to London's cheapest
+lodgings, and I felt a most urgent need for economy in the handling of
+my small hoard. These few pounds must support me, I thought, until I
+could cut out a niche for myself, here where there seemed hardly room
+for the feet of the existing inhabitants. Already in quite a vague way
+I had become conscious of the shadow of that dread presence whose
+existence colours the outlook of millions in England. I wonder if the
+consciousness had begun to affect my expression!
+
+My choice of a locality was made eventually upon ridiculously
+inadequate grounds. In a newspaper article dealing with charitable
+work, I came upon some such words as these: 'Life is supported upon an
+astoundingly small outlay of money among the poor householders, and
+even poorer lodgers, in these streets opening out of the Seven Sisters
+Road in the district lying between Stoke Newington and South
+Tottenham. Here are families whose weekly rental is far less than many
+a man spends on his solitary dinner in club or restaurant,' etc.
+
+'This appears to be the sort of place for me,' I told myself.
+Remembering certain green omnibuses that bore the name of Stoke
+Newington, I descended from one of them an hour later outside a
+hostelry called the Weavers' Arms. (Transatlantic slang has dubbed
+these places 'gin-mills'; a telling name, I think.)
+
+One of my difficulties was that I had no clear idea what amount would
+be considered cheap in London, by way of rent for a single room. The
+one thing clear in my mind was that I must, if possible, find the
+cheapest. I had already gathered from chance talk, on board the
+_Orimba_ and elsewhere, that the Australian 'board and lodging' system
+was not much used in London, save in strata which would be above my
+means. The cheaper way, I gathered, was to pay so much for a room and
+'attendance,' which should include the preparation of one's own food.
+The cheapest method of all, I had heard, and the method I meant to
+adopt, was to rent a furnished room, but without 'attendance,' and to
+provide meals for myself in the room or outside.
+
+By this time the thing most desirable in my eyes was the possession of
+a room of my own. I wanted badly to be able to shut myself in with my
+luggage; to secure privacy, and be able to think, without the
+distracting consciousness of my small capital melting away from me at
+an unnecessary and alarmingly rapid pace. Anything equivalent to the
+comparative refinement, quietness, cleanliness, and spacious outlook
+of my North Shore quarters was evidently quite out of the question;
+and would have been, as a matter of fact, even at double their cost in
+Sydney.
+
+Late that afternoon a cab conveyed me with my baggage to No. 27 Mellor
+Street, a small thoroughfare leading out of the Seven Sisters Road.
+Here I had secured a barely furnished top-floor room, with a tiny
+oil-stove in it, for 4s. 6d. per week. I paid a week's rent in advance,
+and, having deposited my bags there, I sallied forth into the Seven
+Sisters Road, with the room key in my pocket, to make domestic
+purchases. Billy cans were not available, but I bought a tin kettle
+for my oil-stove, some tea, a very little simple crockery and cutlery,
+some wholemeal brown bread (which I had heard was the most nutritious
+variety), butter, and cheese. Also some lamp oil, for the simple
+furniture of my room included, in addition to its oil-stove, a blue
+china lamp with pink and silver flowers upon its sides. Most of these
+things I ordered in one shop, and then, carrying one or two other
+purchases, hurried back to my room to be ready for the shop-boy who
+was to deliver the remainder.
+
+Over the little meal that I presently prepared, with the aid of the
+oil-stove, my spirits, which had fallen steadily during the hunt for a
+room, brightened considerably. Pipe in mouth I made some alterations
+in the disposition of my furniture, placing the little table nearer to
+the window, and shifting the bed to give me a glimpse of sky when I
+should be occupying it. The oil-stove made a regrettable stench I
+found, and the lamp appeared to suffer from some nervous affection
+which made its flame jump spasmodically at intervals. The mattress on
+my bed was extraordinarily diversified in contour by little mountain
+ranges, kopjes which could not be induced to amalgamate with its
+general plan. Also, I was not so much alone in my sanctum as I had
+hoped to be. There were other forms of life, whose company I do not
+think I ever entirely evaded during my whole period as a lodger of the
+poorest grade in London.
+
+But for the time these trifles did not greatly trouble me. Drunken
+brawls which occurred later in the evening, immediately under my
+window, were a nuisance. But it was all new; my health of mind and
+body was sound and unstrained; and I presently went to bed rather well
+pleased with myself, after an hour spent in considering and adding to
+sundry notes I had accumulated, for articles and sketches presently to
+be written.
+
+My hope was to be able to win a place in London journalism without
+having any sort of an appointment. The very phrase 'free-lance'
+appealed to my sense of the romantic. 'All the clever fellows are
+free-lances, you know, in the Old Country.' I recalled many such
+statements made to me in Sydney. Prudence might have led me to offer
+myself for a post of some kind, if the editor to whom my letter of
+introduction was addressed had been visible. But he was not in London;
+and, in my heart, I was rather glad. It should be as a free agent, an
+unknown adventurer in Grub Street, that I would win my journalistic
+and literary spurs in the Old World. Other men had succeeded....
+
+Musing in this hopeful vein I fell asleep, with never a hint of a
+presentiment of what did actually lie before me. I suppose the
+chiefest boon that mortals enjoy is just that negative blessing: their
+total inability to see even so far into the future as to-morrow
+morning.
+
+
+IV
+
+
+The compilation of anything like a detailed record of my first two
+years in London would be a task to alarm a Zola. I could not possibly
+face it; and, if I did, no good end could be served by such a
+harrowing of my own feelings.
+
+Such a compilation would be a veritable monument of squalid details;
+of details infinitely mean and small, and, for the most part,
+infinitely, unredeemedly ugly. Heaven knows I have no need to remind
+myself by the act of writing of all those dismal details. Mere
+poverty, starvation itself, even, may be lightsome things, by
+comparison with the fetid misery which surrounded me during the major
+part of those two years.
+
+People say, with a smile or a sigh, as their mood dictates, that one
+half the world does not know how the other half lives. So far is that
+truism from comprehending the tragic reality of what poverty in London
+means, that I have no hesitation in saying this: there is no wider
+divergence between the lives of tigers and the lives of men than lies
+between the lives of English people, whose homes in some quarters I
+could name are separated by no more than the width of a street, a
+mews, and, it may be, a walled strip of blackened grass and tree-trunks.
+
+It is not simply that some well-to-do people are ignorant regarding
+details of the lives of the poor. It is that not a single one among
+the cultivated and comfortably off people, with whom I came to mix
+later on, had any conception at all regarding the nature and character
+of the sort of life I saw all round me during my first two years in
+London. I consider that London's cab horses were substantially better
+off than the section of London's poor among whom I lived in places
+like South Tottenham, the purlieus of that long unlovely highway--the
+Seven Sisters Road.
+
+Had I been of a more gregarious and social bent, the experience must
+have broken my heart, or unhinged my mind, I think. But, from the very
+first day, I began systematically to avoid intercourse with those
+about me; and in time this became more and more important to me. So
+much so indeed that, as I remember it, quite a large proportion of my
+many changes of lodgings were due to some threatened intimacy, some
+difficulty over avoiding a fellow lodger. Other moves were due to
+plagues of insects, appalling odours, persistent fighting and
+screaming in the next room, wife-beating; in one case a murder; in
+another the fact that a sodden wretch smashed my door in, under the
+impression that I had hidden his wife, by whose exertions he had
+lived, and soaked, for years. I must have removed more than a score of
+times in those two years, and more than once it was to seek a cheaper
+lodging--cheaper than the previous hell!
+
+No, it would never do for me to attempt a detailed record of this
+period. Even consideration of it in outline causes the language of
+melodrama to spring to the pen. Melodrama! What drama ever conceived
+in the mind of man could plumb the reeking depths of the life of the
+vicious among London's poor? Things may be a little better nowadays.
+Beyond all question, the way of the aspirant in Grub Street appears
+vastly smoother than in my time. It is all cut and dried now, they
+say--schools of journalism, literary agents, organisations of one sort
+and another. But with regard to the life of the very poor, of the
+submerged, I have seen signs in the twentieth century which to my
+experienced eye suggested that no fundamental change had taken place
+since I lived among these cruelly debased people.
+
+One would never dare to say it in print, of course, but I know very
+well that, while I lived among them, I was perfectly convinced that,
+for very many--not for all, of course, but for very many--there could
+be no fundamental improvement this side of the grave. For them the
+only really suitable and humane institution, I told myself a hundred
+times, would be a place of compulsory euthanasia--comfortably equipped
+lethal cubicles. For some there would be little need of the compulsory
+element. Police court officials (especially the court missionaries,
+the only philanthropic workers who earned my admiration; and they, of
+course, belonged to a properly organised corps, working on salary)
+know something of these people; but the big, bright, busy world of
+cleanly, educated folk know less of them than they know of prehistoric
+fauna.
+
+I have lived under the same roof with men who beat their wives every
+week of their lives, and figured in police courts every month of their
+lives, when not in prison; with women who, in their lives, had
+swallowed up a dozen small homes, through the pawn-shops and in the
+form of gin; with men and women who, so degraded were they, were like
+as not to kick an infant as they passed if they saw one on the ground;
+with human beings who had fallen so very low that on my honour I had
+far liefer share a room with a hog than with one of them. Yes, the
+close companionship of swine would have been much less distasteful;
+and, be it noted, less unwholesome. I have written articles about
+Australian wattle blossom, about the bush and the sea--oh, about a
+thousand things!--with nothing more than a few inches of filthy lath
+and plaster between my aching head and such human wrecks as these.
+
+'Quite brutal!' one has heard some ignorant innocent exclaim, when
+accident gave him a fleeting glimpse of a denizen of the under world.
+Brutal! I know something of brutes, and something of London's under
+world, and I am well assured no brute known to zoology ever reaches
+the loathsome depths touched by humanity's lowest dregs. It would
+sicken me to recall instances in proof of this; but I have known
+scores of them. The beast brutes have no alcohol. That makes a world
+of difference. They are actuated mainly by such cleanly motives as
+healthy hunger. They have no nameless vices; and they live in
+surroundings which make dirt, as dirt exists among humanity's under
+world, impossible. In changing my lodging I have fled from neighbours
+who, at times, sheltered acquaintances of whom it might literally be
+said that you could not walk upon pavement they had trodden without
+risk of physical contamination.
+
+Drink! A man occupied a room next to mine, at one time, of which his
+mother was the tenant. Somewhere, I was told, he had at least one
+wife, upon whom he sponged, and children. (His kind invariably beget
+children, many children.) This man was in middle life, and his mother,
+a frail creature, was old. She had some small store of money; enough,
+I was told, for the few more months she was likely to live, and to
+save her from a pauper funeral. She had some lingering internal
+complaint. When the man had finished drinking his mother's little
+hoard away, he drove her out of doors--not merely with shameful words,
+but with blows--to get work, and earn liquor for him. Incredible as it
+seems she did get work, and he did take her earnings, and drink them,
+for a number of weeks. Then came the morning when she could not leave
+her bed. That week the rest of her furniture was sold, and the son
+drank it. On Saturday night he threw his mother from her bed to the
+floor, removed the bed and bedding, and drank them. She was dead when
+he returned, and on Sunday morning he took from his murdered mother's
+body the wedding ring which she, miraculously, had preserved to the
+end, and drank that. No one slew him. There was no lethal chamber for
+him. He did not even figure in a police court for this particular
+murder.
+
+People think _L'Assommoir_ dreadful, horrible. I cannot imagine what
+stayed Zola's hand; I am at a loss to account for his astonishing
+reticence, if he really knew anything of the worst degradation for
+which drink is accountable. In two short years I must have come upon a
+score of instances in every respect as horrible as that I have
+mentioned. And some that were worse; yes, more vile; too vile to
+recall even in thought. Brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters,
+mothers and sons-- Oh! shame and degradation unspeakable! I do not know
+if any section of the community is to blame. I do know that the glory
+and brightness of life, the romance and the splendour of life--beauty,
+chivalry, loyalty, pomp, grandeur, nobility--all have been for ever
+robbed of some of their refulgence for me, as the result of two years
+in the under world of London. Life could never be quite the same
+again.
+
+I stood at the base of a statue and watched the stately passage among
+her cheering subjects of the most venerable lady in Christendom. My
+very soul thrilled loyalty to Queen Victoria, loyalty that was proud
+and glad. And on the instant it was stabbed by the thought of another
+widowed mother, flung from the death-bed her worn fingers had toiled
+to save, and flung to die on the floor, by her son. The shame of it,
+in Christian London!
+
+Were the poor always with us? Probably. But the awful human vermin
+that I knew, were they always with us? I doubt it; nay, I do not
+believe it. I believe they are part of England's sin, of England's
+modern wickedness. I believe they are the maggots bred out of the sore
+upon which our modern industrialism is based. When I looked upon the
+vilest of this city spawn, if my rising gorge permitted thought at
+all, I always had visions of little shrinking children whipped to work
+in English factories and mines and potteries; of souls ground out of
+anaemic bodies that Manchester might fatten. Free trade--licensed
+slaughter! The rights of the individual--the sacred liberty of the
+subject! Oh, I know it made England the emporium of the world, and
+built up some splendid fortunes, and--well, I believe it gave us the
+human vermin of our cities.
+
+There is no cure for them in this world. Nor yet for their damned and
+doomed offspring--while the individual liberty shibboleths endure,
+while mere numbers rule, or while our degenerate fear of every form of
+compulsion lasts. And the present tendency is, not merely to stipulate
+for complete freedom of action for the poor wretches, but to invite
+them to govern, by count of heads. So marvellously enlightened are we
+becoming!
+
+Those nightmarish two years seem a long way off. I must be careful not
+to mislead myself regarding them. I have used such phrases as 'The
+poor of London.' I think I would delete those phrases if I were
+writing for other than my own eyes. I would not pretend that I like
+the poor of London, as companions. But they have, as a class, notable
+and admirable qualities. And many of the very poorest of them have
+more of courage, and more I think of honesty, than the average member
+of the class I came to know better later on: the big division which
+includes all the professional people. The human wrecks are of the
+poor, of course. But the really typical poor people are workers; the
+wrecks, their parasites.
+
+Nothing in life is much more remarkable to me than an old man or an
+old woman of the poorer working-class, say, in South Tottenham, who,
+at the end of a long, struggling life remains decent, honest, cleanly,
+upright, and self-respecting. That I think truly marvellous. I am
+moved to uncover my head before such an one. The innate decency of
+such people thrills me to pride of race, where a naval review or a
+procession of royalties would leave me cold. I know something of the
+environment in which those English men and women have lived out their
+arduous lives. Among them I have seen evidences of a bravery which I
+deliberately believe to be greater than any that has won the Victoria
+Cross.
+
+I once had a room--which I had to leave because of its closeness to a
+noisy street--immediately over a basement in which one old bed-ridden
+man and two women lived. The man had been bed-ridden for more than
+thirty years, and still was alive; for more than thirty years! His
+wife and daughter supported him and themselves. The daughter made
+match-boxes, and was paid 2 1/4d. for each gross; but out of that
+generous remuneration she had to buy her own paste and thread. The
+mother lived over a wash-tub. They all worked, slept, and ate, in the
+one room, of course, and the man was never outside it for a moment.
+
+At the time of my arrival in that house, the daughter had recently
+taken to her bed. She was a middle-aged woman, far gone in
+consumption. It happened that a notorious inebriate, a woman, during
+one of her periodical visits to the local police court, told a
+missionary about my neighbours. He visited them, and was impressed,
+though accustomed to such sights. But he could do nothing to help, it
+seemed. They were very proud, and the mother washed very well; so well
+that she had work enough to keep her going day and night; and, working
+day and night, was able to earn an average of close upon eleven
+shillings weekly, of which only four shillings had to be paid in rent,
+and a trifle in medicine, soap, fuel, etc., leaving from five to six
+shillings a week for the two invalids and herself to live upon. So
+there was nothing to worry about, she said. She had stood at the tub
+for thirty years, and ...
+
+Well, the missionary spoke to other folk, and other folk were touched,
+and finally a lady and a gentleman came, with an ambulance and a
+carriage, and twenty golden sovereigns. The old woman's liberty was
+not to be interfered with. She herself was to have the spending of the
+money. She was to take her patients to the seaside, and rest for a few
+weeks, after her thirty years at the tub. I find a difficulty in
+setting the thing down, for I can smell the steamy odours of that
+basement now.
+
+This remarkable old woman quite civilly declined the gift, and
+explained how well she could manage without assistance; proudly adding
+that she had no fear of failing in her weekly subscription to the
+funeral club, so that her husband was happy in the knowledge that no
+pauper funeral awaited him. She was barely sixty-two herself, and had
+managed very well these thirty years and more, and trusted, with
+thanks, that she would manage to the end without charity.
+
+Argument was futile. So the lady and gentleman drove away with their
+bright sovereigns; and when my next removal came the old woman was
+still at her tub, the other two helpless ones still on their beds, and
+living yet. One need not consider the wild unwisdom of it; but in the
+astounding courage and endurance of it, I hold there is lesson and
+ensample for the bravest man in British history. And among the working
+poor such incidents cannot be very rare, because I knew of quite a
+number in my very brief experience.
+
+That the England from whose loins such master men and women have
+sprung should have bred also the festering spawn of human vermin that
+litters many of the mean streets of London, aye, and the seats in its
+parks and gardens, is a tragic humiliation; an indictment, too, as I
+see it. Charity may cover a multitude of sins. It can never cover this
+running sore; or, if it should ever cover it completely, so much the
+worse; for I swear it can never heal, cleanse, or remove it. Nothing
+sentimental, personal, and voluntary, nothing sporadic and spasmodic
+can ever accomplish that. And to approach it with bleatings about the
+will of the people, universal suffrage, old age, or any other kind of
+pension, dole, or the like, is to be guilty of a cruel and
+contemptible kind of mockery.
+
+
+V
+
+
+Looking back across the long succession of crowded years upon the
+period of my struggle to obtain a foothold in the London world of
+journalism and literature, I see a certain amount of pathos, some
+bathos, and something too in the way of steadfast, unmercenary
+endurance, which is not altogether unworthy of respect.
+
+In my humble opinion a foothold in that world was at least rather
+better worth having in those days than it is to-day for a thinking man
+of literary instincts. It was certainly vastly harder to obtain, in
+the absence of any influence or assistance from established friends.
+
+Of late years I have met representatives of a type of young journalist
+which had not yet come into existence when I arrived in London. In
+those days (when the published price of novels was still 31s. 6d., and
+halfpenny dailies were unknown) there were three kinds of newspaper
+men. There were the hacks, very able fellows, some of them, but mostly
+given to bar and taproom life; there were thoroughly well qualified,
+widely informed, sober pressmen of the middle sort, who often spent
+their whole lives in one employ; and there were literary men,
+frequently of high scholarly attainments, who wrote for newspapers.
+To-day, there are not very many representatives of these three
+divisions. The modern host of journeymen, with their captains, keen
+men of business, may represent a great advance upon their
+predecessors. Since I am told we live in an age of wonderfully rapid
+progress, I suppose they must. They certainly are different. To
+realise this fully one has only to come in contact, once, with one of
+the few surviving practitioners of the earlier type. They stand out
+like trees in--shall I say?--a flower-bed.
+
+Ignorance of journalistic conditions and requirements, combined with a
+foolish sort of personal sensitiveness or vanity, had more to do with
+my early hardships and difficulties than anything in the quality of my
+work. In the light of practical knowledge acquired later I see that I
+might with ease have earned at least five times the amount of money I
+did earn in those first years by doing about half the amount of work I
+did, and--knowing how to dispose of it. I concentrated my entire stock
+of youthful energy upon writing and reading, and really worked very
+hard indeed. That, I thought, was my business. Some vague, benevolent
+power, 'the World,' I suppose, was to see to it that I got my reward.
+My part was to do the work. Good work might be trusted to bring its
+own reward. And, in any case, I asked no more than that I should be
+able to live with decency and go on with my work. I no longer had the
+faintest sort of interest in the idea of saving money. That ambition
+died with the end of my saving days in Sydney. I never thought about
+it at all. It simply had ceased to exist.
+
+Well, my work, as a matter of fact, was not at all bad, and it was
+amazingly abundant. I would wager I wrote not less than three hundred
+articles, sketches, and stories during my first year, probably more,
+and always in the most hostile and unsuitable sort of environments.
+And my reward in that first year was slightly less than twenty pounds
+sterling, something well below an average of two guineas each month. I
+suppose I might have starved in that first year if I had not had some
+twenty pounds in hand at the beginning of it. I had not twenty
+shillings in hand at the end of it, and yet I had already learned what
+hunger meant; not the bracing sensation of being sharp set and
+enjoying one's meal, but the dull, deadening, sickly sensation which
+comes of sustained work during weeks of bread and butter (or dripping)
+diet, and none too much of that.
+
+The devilish thing about an insufficient dietary is that it saps one's
+manhood. Few people whose circumstances have been uniformly
+comfortable realise that the stomach is the real seat of self-respect,
+courage, dignity, good manners, and the higher sort of honour, not to
+mention the spirits and emotions. Most would scoff at the suggestion,
+of course, feeling that it showed the low nature of the suggester. And
+the thing of it is they cannot possibly test the truth of it. For,
+given an average share of self-control and will-power, any educated
+person can starve him or herself for a week or more, deliberately and
+of set purpose, without much inconvenience, with no difficulty, and no
+loss of self-respect.
+
+It is starvation, or semi-starvation _from necessity_, combined with a
+hard-working routine of life, and without the soul-supporting
+knowledge that one can stop and order a good meal whenever one
+chooses; it is continuous and enforced lack of proper nutriment,
+endured throughout sustained and unsuccessful efforts to overcome the
+poverty that enforces it, that tells upon one's humanity and coarsens
+the fibre of one's personality. There is a certain sustaining
+exhilaration about voluntary abstinence from food, due to the
+contemplation of one's mind's mastery. The reverse is true of the
+hunger due to the unsuccess of one's efforts to obtain the wherewithal
+to get better food and more of it.
+
+Poverty is a teacher, a most powerful schoolmaster, I freely grant.
+But the most of the lessons it teaches are lessons I had liefer not
+learn. As a teacher its one vehicle of instruction is the cane. First,
+it weakens and humiliates the pupil; and then, at every turn, it beats
+him, teaching him to walk with cowering shoulders, furtive eyes, a
+sour and suspicious mind. I have no good word to say for poverty; and
+I believe an insufficient dietary to be infernally bad for any
+one--worse, upon the whole, than an over-abundant one--and especially so
+for young men or women who are striving to produce original work.
+
+I have heard veterans criticise their sleek juniors, with a round
+assertion that if these youngsters had had to fight their way on a
+crust, as the veteran said he did, they would be vastly better men for
+it. I do not believe it. Hard work, and even disappointment and loss,
+are doubtless rich in educational and disciplinary values; but not
+that wolfish, soul-crushing fight for insufficient food, not mere
+poverty. I have tried them, and I know.
+
+Every day a procession of more or less battered veterans in life's
+fight straggles across the floors of the police courts, from waiting-room
+to dock and dock to cells. 'How extraordinarily vicious the poor
+are!' says some shallow observer. In reality, a very large proportion
+of these battered ones are there as drinkers. And, in any case, the
+whole of them put together (including the many who require not penal
+but medical treatment), supposing they were all viciously criminal--all
+violent thieves, say--what a tiny handful they represent of the
+poor of London!
+
+The enormous majority of the poor never set foot in a police court.
+And yet, for one who knows anything of the conditions in which they
+live, how marvellous that is! Most educated people, after all, go
+through life, from cradle to grave, without once experiencing any
+really strong temptation to break the law of the land. The very poor
+are hardly ever free from such temptation; hardly ever free from it. I
+know. I, with all the advantages behind me of traditions,
+associations, memories, hopes, knowledge, and tastes, to which most
+very poor people are strangers, I have felt my fingers itch, my
+stomach crave woundily, as I passed along a mean street in which
+food-stuffs were exposed outside shop windows; a practice which, upon a
+variety of counts, ought long since to have been abolished by law.
+
+Oh, the decency, the restraint, and the enduring law-abidingness of
+London's poor, in the face of continuously flaunting plenty, of gross
+ostentation! It is the greatest miracle of our time. The comparative
+absence of either religion or philosophy among them to-day makes the
+spectacle of their docility, to me, far more remarkable than anything
+in the history of mediaeval martyrdom. When I come to consider also
+the prodigiously irritant influences of modern life in its
+legislation, journalism, amusements, swift locomotion, and, not least,
+its education for the masses, then I see wireless telegraphy and such
+things as trifles, and the abiding self-restraint of the very poor as
+our greatest marvel.
+
+
+VI
+
+
+After my second year in London I became approximately wealthy. Early
+in the third year, at all events, I earned as much as five guineas in
+a single month, and ate meat almost every day; in other words I began
+to earn pretty nearly one-third as much as I had earned some years
+previously in Sydney. I now bought books, and no longer always, as
+before, at the cost of a meal or so. Holywell Street was a great
+delight to me, and I never quite comprehended how Londoners could
+bring themselves to let it go. I doubt if Fleet Street raised a single
+protest, and yet-- Well, it was surprising.
+
+I wrote rather less in this period, and used more method in my attacks
+upon the editors. I even succeeded in actually interviewing one or two
+of them, including the gentleman to whom I carried a note of
+introduction from a colleague he had never met. But I do not think I
+gained anything by these interviews. I might possibly have done so had
+they come earlier, while yet the freedom of easier days and of
+sunshine was in my veins. But my mean street period had affected me
+materially. It had made me morbidly self-conscious, and suspiciously
+alive to the least hint of patronage or brusqueness.
+
+It is true I gave hours to the penetration of editorial sanctums; but
+in nearly every case my one desire, when I reached them, was to escape
+from them quickly without humiliation. In a busy man's very natural
+dislike of interruption, or anxious glance toward his clock, I saw
+contempt for my obscurity and suspicion of my poverty. And, after all,
+I had nothing to say to these gentlemen, save to beg them to read the
+effusions I pressed upon them; an appeal they would far rather receive
+on half a sheet of notepaper. As to impressing my personality upon
+them in any way, as I say, my uneasy thoughts in their presence were
+usually confined to the problem of how best I might escape without
+actual discredit.
+
+Once, I remember, in a very lean month, I chanced to see one of the
+Olympians passing with god-like nonchalance into the restaurant of a
+well-known hotel. On the instant, and without giving myself time for
+reflection, I followed him down the glittering vestibule, and into a
+palatial dining-hall. The hour was something between one and two
+o'clock, and a minute before I had been thoughtfully weighing the
+relative merits of an immediate allowance of sausages and mashed
+potatoes for fivepence, or a couple of stale buns for one penny, to be
+followed at nightfall by a real banquet--seven-pennyworth of honest
+beef and vegetables. Now, with a trifle over four shillings in my
+pocket, I was, to outward seeming, carelessly scanning a menu, in
+which no single dish, not even the soup, seemed to cost less than
+about three times the price of one of my best dinners.
+
+But at the next table sat a London editor. I was free to contemplate
+him. Was not that feast enough for such as I? Evidently I thought it
+was, for I told the waiter with an elaborate assumption of boredom
+that I did not feel like eating much, but would see what I could make
+of a little of the soup St. Germain. I wondered often if the man
+noticed the remarkable manner in which the crisp French rolls on that
+table disappeared, while I toyed languidly with my soup. I did not
+dare to ask for more rolls when I had made an end of the four or five
+that were on the table; but I could have eaten a dozen of them without
+much difficulty.
+
+'No, thank you, I think I shall be better without anything to-day,' I
+said to the waiter who drew my attention to a sumptuous volume which I
+had already discovered to be the wine-list. There was a delicate
+suggestion in my tone (I hoped) that occasional abstinence from wine,
+say, at luncheon had been found beneficial for my gout. Certainly, if
+he counted his rolls, the man could hardly have suspected me of a
+diabetic tendency.
+
+All this time I studied the profile of the editor, while he leisurely
+discussed, perhaps, half a sovereign's worth of luncheon. I hoped--and
+again feared--he might presently recognise me; but he only looked
+blandly through me once or twice to more important objects beyond. And
+just as I had concluded that it was not humanly possible to spend any
+longer over one spoonful of practically cold soup, he rose, gracefully
+disguised a yawn, and strolled away to an Elysian hall in which, no
+doubt, liqueurs, coffee, and cigars of great price were dispensed.
+This was not for me, of course.
+
+They managed somehow to make my bill half a crown, and, as a trifling
+mark of my esteem, I gave the waiter the price of two of my ordinary
+dinners, for himself. I badly wanted to give him sixpence, but lacked
+the requisite moral courage, though I do not suppose he would have
+wasted a thought upon it either way, and if he had--but, as I say, I
+gave him a shilling. After all I do not suppose the poor fellow earned
+much more in a day than I earned in a week. And then (still with
+prudent thought for my gouty tendency, no doubt) I loftily waved aside
+all suggestions of coffee in the lounge, and made my way to the
+street, with the air of one who found luncheon a rather annoying
+interruption in his management of great affairs.
+
+'Now if you had as much enterprise and resourcefulness as--as a
+bandicoot,' I told myself, passing down the Thames Embankment, 'you
+would have entered into conversation with A----, and by this time he
+would be pressing you to write articles for him. Instead of that,
+you'll have to content yourself with dry bread to-night and to-morrow,
+my friend.'
+
+But I did not altogether regret that bread and soup luncheon, after
+all. It was an adventure of sorts, and quite a streak of colour in its
+way, across the drab background of South Tottenham days.
+
+There were times when the spirit of revolt filled my very soul, and
+all life seemed black or red in my eyes. But I do not recall any day
+of panic or suggested surrender. On one day of revolt, when I told
+myself that this slum life in London was too horrible for a
+self-respecting dingo, let alone a man, I buttoned up my coat and
+walked with angry haste all the way to Epping Forest. In that noble
+breathing-place I raged to and fro under trees and through scrub,
+delighting in the prickly caress of brambles, and pausing in
+breathless ecstasy to watch rabbits at play in a dim, leafy glade.
+Fully twelve miles I must have walked, and then, healed and tamed, but
+somewhat faint from unwonted exercise and wonted lack of good food, I
+sat down in a little arbour and wolfishly devoured just as much as I
+could get in the form of a ninepenny tea. I fear there can have been
+no margin of profit for the good woman who served me.
+
+At that period my digestive faculties still were holding up
+miraculously, or my sufferings on the homeward tramp would have been
+acute. As a fact I reached home in rare spirits, and almost--so cheery
+was I--cancelled the notice I had given that morning of my intention
+to vacate the current garret. But the smell of the house smiting my
+forest freshness as I stepped over the boards, jammed in its threshold
+to keep crawling children in, saved me from that indiscretion. There
+were fewer drunkards, less fighting, and not many more insects in that
+house than in most of my places of residence; but the smell of it I
+shall never, never forget. In that respect it was the vilest in a vile
+series of slum dwellings, and many and many a time had caused me to
+revile my naturally keen olfactory organs. I had endured it for almost
+a month, and would suffer its unmanning horrors no more. Indeed, I
+would suffer nothing like it again. Why should I? My earnings were
+increasing. I would escape from the whole district, its miseries, its
+smells, its infamies, and its thousand dehumanising degradations. I
+would emigrate.
+
+Yes, that tramp in Epping Forest was quite epoch-making. It came after
+more than two years of struggle in London. I had made fully five
+pounds in the past month. I had actually laid aside a couple of
+sovereigns, and doubtless that salient fact emboldened me. Also, I had
+had a number of quite meaty meals of late. But the wild stamping to
+and fro under trees, the sight of the bonny, white-sterned rabbits at
+play, the copious tea in a pleached arbour, the clean forest air--these
+I am sure had been as a fiery stimulant to my drooping manhood.
+I went to bed full of the most reckless resolves, and astonishingly
+light-hearted.
+
+In the morning, having feasted (as well as the prevailing smell
+permitted) upon an apple, brown bread, and tea--butter was 'off' that
+day, I remember--I set forth upon a prospecting tour, working westward
+from my north-easterly abode, through Holloway, Finsbury, the Camden
+Road, and such places, into the neighbourhood of Regent's Park. The
+park, which was strange to me, pleased me greatly; as did also certain
+minor streets in its neighbourhood, a mews which I found quaint and
+quite rural in its suggestions, and sundry white houses with green
+shutters which, for some reason, I remember I called 'discreet.' There
+was nothing here that looked poor enough for me, but none the less I
+inquired at one or two of the smaller houses whose windows held cards
+indicating that rooms were to let in them.
+
+At length, in a quiet and decent thoroughfare called Howard Street, I
+happened upon Mrs. Pelly's house--No. 37. The girl who answered my
+knock had a pleasant little face, and a soft, kindly tone in speaking.
+I supposed she was not more than one-and-twenty, perhaps less. Her
+mother was out, she said, but she would show me the only vacant room
+they had. Indeed--with a little smile--she really did more for the
+lodgers than her mother did.
+
+The room was at the back of the house on the first floor, and there
+was but one other floor above it. It had a French window, with a tiny
+iron balcony, three feet by eighteen inches. The furnishings were
+greatly superior to any I had had in London. There was actually a
+little writing-table with drawers, and from the window one could see
+distinctly the waving green tops of trees in the park. The rent was
+eleven shillings. Whereat I sighed heavily. But the writing-table,
+and, above all, the actual view of tree-tops in the distance! I sighed
+again, and explained regretfully that I feared my limit was eight
+shillings. Then the young woman sighed too, and mentioned, with
+apparent irrelevance, that her mother might be in any moment now.
+
+I had earned five pounds in the previous month. With reasonable care
+my food need not cost more than seven to ten shillings a week. Of
+course I had managed on considerably less. I knew very well that that
+sort of semi-starvation was in every way bad; but, when I thought of
+that quiet back room, the distant tree-tops, the absence of smells,
+the fact that I had seen no filthy or drunken people in the
+neighbourhood, the soft-spoken girl at my side--'By heavens! It's
+worth it,' I said to myself.
+
+And just then--we were in the narrow ground floor passage--the mother
+arrived, bringing with her an unmistakable whiff of a public-house
+bar. This stiffened my relaxing prudence considerably. I had no kindly
+feeling left for taverns, especially where women were concerned. But,
+by an odd chance, it happened that Mrs. Pelly was not only in a
+talkative mood, but also in higher spirits than I ever saw her
+afterwards. She insisted on reinspection of the room, a sufficiently
+dangerous thing in itself for me. And then, standing beside its open
+window, with arms folded over the place in which her waist once had
+been, she avowed that she thought the room would suit me, and that I
+should suit the room.
+
+'There's a writing-table in it, an' all, ye see,' she said, having
+received a hint as to my working habits.
+
+There was indeed. I was little likely to forget it. It now seemed the
+charge for the room was eleven shillings weekly, without 'attendance.'
+But Mrs. Pelly had never been a woman to stick out over trifles, that
+she hadn't; and, right or wrong, though she hoped she might never live
+to rue the day, she would let the gentleman this room for nine
+shillings a week, and include 'attendance' in that merely nominal
+rate--'So there, Miss!' This, to her daughter Fanny, and in apparent
+forgetfulness of my presence.
+
+It was a thrilling moment for me, standing there with one hand on the
+writing-table, my gaze fixed over the scantily covered top of Mrs.
+Pelly's head--she wore no hat--upon the trees in the distance.
+Prudence gabbled at me: 'You can't afford it. You must eat. You'll be
+sold up, and serve you right.' But, of course, the table and the
+window won. After all, had I not earned five pounds in the past month?
+And, excepting boots, my outfit was still pretty good!
+
+I could not wait for Monday. The window and the table pulled too hard.
+So I installed myself at No. 37 on the Saturday afternoon, and thanked
+God sincerely that I was no longer in a slum.
+
+
+VII
+
+
+On fine mornings I used to leave door and window blocked open in my
+room, and take half an hour's walk in the park before breakfast. The
+weather was sometimes unkind, of course, but Fanny never, and she
+would neglect the rooms of other lodgers in order to hasten the
+straightening of mine. The other lodgers were all folk whose business
+took them away from Howard Street as soon as breakfast was dispatched,
+and kept them away till evening.
+
+It often happened that I would work at my little writing-table until
+the small hours of the morning; and in such cases, more often than
+not, I would leave the house directly after breakfast, walk down
+Tottenham Court Road, and tack through Bloomsbury to Gray's Inn and
+Fleet Street, or wherever else the office might lie for which the
+manuscript I carried was destined. Where possible, I preferred this
+method of disposing of manuscripts. Not only did it save stamps--a
+considerable item with me--but it seemed quicker and safer than the
+post. I had a dishonest little formula for porters and bell boys in
+these offices, from the enunciation of which I derived a comforting
+sense of security and dispatch.
+
+'You might let the editor have this directly he comes in,' I would say
+as I handed over my envelope; 'promised for to-day, without fail.'
+
+Well, I had promised--myself. And this little formula, in addition to
+making for prompt delivery, I thought, gave one a sense of actual
+relationship with the editor. Save for the trifling fact that the
+manuscript would, probably, in due course be returned, or even
+consigned to the waste-paper basket, my method seemed to put me on the
+footing of one who had written a commissioned article. The dramatic
+value of the formula was greatly enhanced where one happened to know
+the editor's name, and could say in a tone of urgent intimacy: 'You
+might let Mr. ---- have this directly he comes in,' etc. In those
+cases one walked down the office stairway humming an air. It was next
+door to being one of the Olympians, and that without sacrificing one's
+romantic liberty as a free-lance.
+
+As my earnings rose--and they did rise with agreeable rapidity after
+my establishment in Howard Street--I wrote less and thought more. I
+also walked more, and saw more of London, But I was still writing a
+great deal; more probably than any salaried journalist in the town,
+though a large proportion of my writings never saw the light of print.
+When I had been living for five or six months in Howard Street, my
+earnings were averaging from ten pounds to fifteen pounds each month.
+For a long time I seemed able to maintain something like this average,
+but not to improve upon it. It may be that my efforts slackened at
+that point, and that I gave more time to reading and walking. This is
+the more likely, because I know I felt no interest whatever in the
+progress of the account I opened in the Post Office savings bank.
+
+It was about this time, I fancy, though only in my twenty-fourth or
+twenty-fifth year, that I began seeking advice from chemists and their
+assistants, under whose guidance I tapped the fascinating but deadly
+field of patent medicines. The fact was I had completely disorganised
+my digestive system during two years and more of catering for myself
+upon an average outlay of six or seven shillings weekly (sometimes
+much less, of course), whilst living an insanely sedentary life in
+which the allowance of sleep, exercise, and fresh air had been as
+inadequate as my dietary. A wise physician might possibly have been
+able to steer me into smooth waters now, especially if he had driven
+me out of London. But the obstinate energy and conceit of youth was
+still strong in my veins. I had no money to waste on doctors, I told
+myself. And so I held desultory consultations across the counters of
+chemist's shops, and, supremely ignorant as to causes, attacked
+symptoms with trustful energy, consuming great quantities of mostly
+valueless and frequently harmful nostrums.
+
+Another step I took at this time, after quaintly earnest discussion
+with Fanny, was to arrange an additional payment of eight shillings a
+week to Mrs. Pelly, in return for the provision of my very simple
+breakfast and a bread and cheese luncheon each day. This relieved me
+of a task for which I had never had much patience, and very likely it
+was also an economy. My evening meal I preferred, as a general thing,
+to obtain elsewhere. It was one of my few entertainments this foraging
+after inexpensive dinners, and watching and listening to other diners.
+At that time my prejudices were the exact antithesis of those that
+came later on, and I preferred foreign restaurants and foreign service
+and cooking, quite apart from the fact that I found them nearly always
+cheaper and more entertaining than the native varieties.
+
+It was in a dingy little French eating-house near Wardour Street
+(where I must say the cooking at that time really was skilful, though
+I dare say the material used was villainously bad, since the prices
+charged were low, even judged by my scale in such matters) that I
+first made the acquaintance of Sidney Heron. I felt sure that Heron
+must be a remarkable man, even before I spoke to him, or heard him
+speak, for he lived with a monocle fixed in his right eye, and never
+moved it, even when he blew his nose and gesticulated violently, as he
+so often did. The monocle was attached to a broad black ribbon which,
+in some way, seemed grotesque as contrasted with the dingy greyish-white
+flannel cricketing shirts which Heron always wore, with a red
+tie under the collar. Linen in any guise he clearly scorned. I do not
+think his boots were ever cleaned, and he appeared to spend even less
+upon clothing than I did. I do not know just how he disposed of his
+money, but he earned two hundred or three hundred a year as a writer,
+and he was invariably short of funds. I think it quite conceivable
+that he may have maintained some poor relation or relations, but in
+all the years of our acquaintance I never heard him mention a
+relative. He certainly lived poorly himself.
+
+Our acquaintance resulted from his tipping a rum omelette into my lap.
+The tables at this little restaurant were exceptionally narrow, and I
+suppose Heron was exceptionally cross, even for him. The omelette was
+burnt, he said, and after pishing and tushing over it for a moment or
+two he shouted to the overworked waiter, giving his plate so angry a
+thrust at the same time that it collided violently with mine, and the
+offending omelette ricochetted into my lap.
+
+Heron's apologies indicated far more of anger than contrition, I
+thought; but they led to conversation, at all events, and as he lived
+in the Hampstead Road we walked a mile or more together after leaving
+the restaurant. It was the beginning of companionship of a sort for
+me, and if we did not ever become very close friends, at all events
+our intimacy endured without rupture for many years.
+
+At the outset I was given an inkling of the irascibility of his
+temper, and my subsequent method, in all our intercourse, was simply
+to leave him whenever he became quarrelsome, and to take up our
+relations when next we met at the point immediately preceding that at
+which temper had overcome him. At heart an honourable and I am sure
+kindly man, Heron had a temper of remarkable susceptibility to
+irritation. The stomachic causes which, as time went on, produced
+melancholy and dense, black depression in me, probably accounted for
+his eruptions of violent irascibility. And I fancy we were equally
+ignorant and brutal in our treatment of our own physical weaknesses.
+
+Heron certainly became one of my distractions, one of my human
+interests outside work, at this time. But there was another, and the
+other came closer home to me.
+
+I suppose I spent seven or eight months in discovering that Mrs. Pelly
+was a singularly unpleasant woman. But the thing did eventually become
+plain to me, so plain indeed that it would have caused me to give up
+my French window and writing-table and migrate once more, but for
+certain considerations outside my own personal comfort. That Mrs.
+Pelly consumed far more gin than was good for her became apparent to
+me during my first week, if not my first day, in Howard Street. But as
+she rarely entered my room, and our encounters were merely accidental
+and momentary, this weakness would never have affected me much.
+
+What did affect me was my very gradual discovery of the fact that this
+woman treated her own daughter with systematic cruelty--a thing
+happily unusual in her class, as it is also, I think, among the very
+poor of London. At the end of eight or nine months my increasing
+knowledge of Mrs. Pelly's harsh unkindness to Fanny had begun to weigh
+on my mind a good deal. It was a singular case, in many ways. Here was
+a girl, a young woman rather, in her twenty-first year, who to all
+intents and purposes might be said to be carrying on with her own
+hands the entire work of a house which sheltered five lodgers; and, as
+a fact, it was rarely that a day passed without her suffering actual
+physical violence at the hands of that gin-soaked termagant, her
+mother.
+
+The woman positively used to pinch Fanny in such a way as to leave
+blue bruises on her arm. She used to pull her hair violently, slap her
+face, and strike at her with any sort of weapon that happened to be
+within reach. Further, when the vicious fit took her, she would lock
+up pantry and kitchen, and make this hard-working girl go hungry to
+bed at night, by way of punishment for some pretended misdeed. And the
+astounding thing was that, with all this and more, Fanny retained a
+very real affection for her unnatural parent; and used to plead that,
+but for the effect of liquor upon her, Mrs. Pelly would be and was a
+good mother.
+
+It appeared that Fanny had lost her father when she was about twelve
+years old, and ever since that time her mother's extraordinary
+attitude towards her had become increasingly harsh and cruel. She
+never had a penny of her own, though she did the work of two servants,
+and her clothes were mostly home-made make-shifts from discarded
+garments of her mother's. When necessity caused her to ask for new
+boots, for example, the penalty would be perhaps a week of vile abuse
+and bullying, of slaps, pinches, docked meals and other humiliations,
+all of which must be endured before the wretched woman would buy a
+pair of the cheapest and ugliest shoes obtainable, and fling them to
+her daughter from out her market-basket. If they were a misfit, Fanny
+would have to suffer them as best she could. Or, in other cases, new
+shoes would be refused altogether, and she would be ordered to make
+shift with a pair her mother had worn out.
+
+It was only very gradually that I came to know these things. Once,
+when I knew no more than that Fanny worked very hard and seldom
+stirred out of the house, I chanced to encounter mother and daughter
+together on the stairs early on a Sunday evening. The girl looked
+pinched and unhappy, and something moved me to make a suggestion I
+should hardly have ventured upon then, if the mother had not happened
+to be present.
+
+'You look tired, Fanny,' I said. 'Why not come out for a walk in the
+park with me? The air would do you good, and perhaps you will have a
+bit of dinner somewhere with me before getting back. Do! It would be
+quite a charity to a lonely man.'
+
+I saw her tired brown eyes brighten at the thought, and then she
+turned timidly in Mrs. Pelly's direction.
+
+'Oh!' said I, on a rather happy inspiration, 'I believe you're one of
+the vain people who fancy they are indispensable. I am sure Mrs. Pelly
+would be delighted for you to come; wouldn't you, Mrs. Pelly? There
+will be no lodgers home till late this fine evening.'
+
+Mrs. Pelly simpered at me, with a rather forbidding light in her eye,
+I thought. But I had struck the right note in that word
+'indispensable.'
+
+'Oh, she's very welcome to go, for me, Mr. Freydon; and I'm sure it's
+very kind of you to ask her. Girls nowadays don't do so much when they
+are at work but what it's easy enough to spare 'em. But, haven't you
+got a tongue, miss? Why don't you thank Mr. Freydon?'
+
+'No, indeed,' I laughed. 'The thanks are coming from me. I'll just go
+back to my room and write a letter, and you will let me know as soon
+as you're ready, won't you, Fanny?'
+
+Well, I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed that little outing.
+I thought there never had been any one who was so easily pleased and
+entertained. Doubtless her worshipful attitude flattered my youthful
+vanity. But, apart from this, it was a real delight to see the flush
+of enjoyment come and go in her pale, pretty face, when we rode on the
+top of an omnibus, examined flowers in the park, and sat down to a
+meal with the preparation and removal of which she was to have no
+concern whatever. It was a pretty and touching sight, I say, to see
+how these very simple pleasures delighted her. But I very soon learned
+that this experience must not be repeated. Indeed, it was in this wise
+that I obtained my first inklings of the real wretchedness of Fanny's
+life. She had to suffer constant humiliations for a week or more, as
+the price of the little jaunt she had with me. Her mother found it
+hard to forget or forgive the fact that her daughter had had an hour
+or two of freedom and enjoyment. Realisation of this made me detest
+the woman.
+
+And then, it may have been three months after this little outing,
+there came another Sunday incident that moved me. I returned to my
+room unexpectedly about six o'clock, having forgotten to take out with
+me a certain paper. The house was very silent, and perhaps that made
+me walk more softly than usual up the stairs. As I opened my door the
+warm, yellow light of the setting sun was slanting across my
+writing-table, and in the chair before it sat Fanny, reading a magazine.
+
+My first thought was of irritation. I did not like to see any one
+sitting at my writing-table. I was touchy regarding that one spot--the
+table, my papers, and so forth. In the same instant irritation gave
+place to some quite other feeling, as the sunlight showed me that
+tears were rolling down Fanny's pale face.
+
+She sprang to her feet in great confusion, murmuring almost passionate
+apologies in her habitually soft, small voice.
+
+'Oh, please forgive me, Mr. Freydon! I know it was a liberty. Please
+do forgive me. I will never do it again. Please say you will overlook
+it, and--and not tell my mother.'
+
+She unmistakably shrank, trembling, almost cowering before me, so that
+I was made to feel a dreadful brute.
+
+'My dear Fanny,' I said, touching her arm with my fingers, 'there's
+nothing to forgive. How absurd! I hope you will always sit there
+whenever you like. As though I should mind! But what were you
+reading?'
+
+The question had no point for me, and was designed merely to relieve
+the tension.
+
+'Oh, your story, Mr. Freydon. It's--it's too beautiful. That was what
+made me forget where I was, and sit on here. I just glanced at it--like;
+and then--and I couldn't leave it. Oh!'
+
+And she drew up her apron and dabbed her eyes. I don't believe the
+poor soul possessed a handkerchief. Here was a pretty pass then! I had
+forgotten for the moment that one of the three magazines on the table
+contained a short story of which, upon its appearance, I had been
+inordinately proud. I was young, and no one else flattered me.
+Literally nobody had shared my gratification in the publication of
+this story. Here was somebody from whom it drew indubitable tears;
+some one who was deeply moved by its beauty....
+
+I patted her shoulder. I drew confidences from her regarding the
+wretchedness of her home life. I laid down emphatic instructions that
+she was to regard my room as her sanctuary; to use it whenever and
+howsoever she might choose, irrespective of my presence or absence. I
+bade her make free with my few books--as though the poor soul had
+abundance of leisure--comforted her to the best of my ability; and-- Yes,
+let me evade nothing. I stroked her hair, and in leaving her, with
+reiterated instructions to remain there and rest, I touched her cool
+white cheek with my lips, and was strangely thrilled by the touch.
+
+A warm wave of what I thought pity and sympathy passed over me as I
+walked from her.
+
+
+VIII
+
+
+It is rather a matter of regret with me now that I never kept a diary.
+Mine has been upon the whole a somewhat lonely life, and lonely men
+often do keep diaries. But, in my case, I suppose writing was too much
+the daily business of life to permit of leisure being given to the
+same task.
+
+However, the dates of certain volumes of short stories, which appeared
+long ago with my name upon their covers, are for me evidence that,
+after the first six months of my stay in Howard Street, my work began
+to tend more and more towards fiction, and away from newspaper
+articles. My dealings at this time brought me more closely into touch
+with magazines than with newspapers. I became more concerned with
+human emotions and character, but especially with emotions, than with
+those more abstract or again more matter-of-fact themes which had
+served me in the writing of newspaper articles.
+
+This may have helped me in some ways, since it meant that my name was
+fairly frequently seen in print now. But the point I have in mind is,
+that I take this tendency in my work to have been an indication of the
+particular phase of character development through which I was passing
+at the time. It was at this period that I indulged myself in
+occasional dreams of fame. I do not know that my conceit made me
+offensive in any way. I hardly think it went so far. But, in my inmost
+heart, I believe I judged myself to be a creative artist of note. I
+certainly had a lively imagination, a good deal of fluency--too much,
+indeed--as a writer, and a considerable amount of emotional capacity
+and sympathy.
+
+Later in life I often wondered, not without depression, why I no
+longer seemed able to move people, to influence them in a given
+direction, or to arouse their enthusiasm, with the same facility which
+I had known in my twenties. I see now the reasons of this. My
+emotional capacity spent itself rapidly in writing and living; and
+with its exhaustion (and the development of my critical faculties)
+came an attenuation, a drying up, so to say, of the quality of facile
+emotional sympathy, which in earlier years had made it easy for me to
+attract, prepossess, or influence people at will.
+
+Given some practical organising qualities which I certainly did not
+possess, I apprehend that at this period I might have engineered
+myself into a considerable vogue of popularity as a writer of fiction.
+A little later I might almost have slid into the same position, even
+in the absence of the practical qualities aforesaid, but for the trend
+of circumstances which then became highly antagonistic to that sort of
+development.
+
+But I note with some interest that the stories I took to writing at
+this period were highly emotional in tone, and somewhat exotic in
+their setting. The exotic settings may have been due in part to the
+fact that I had travelled, and yet more I fancy to revulsion from the
+material background of my early life in London. And the emotionalism
+must be attributed, I apprehend, in part to my age and temperament,
+and in part to my comparative solitude.
+
+I find it extremely difficult justly to appraise or analyse my
+relations with Fanny. In one mood I see merely youth, folly, vanity,
+and romantic emotionalism, directing my conduct; and again I fancy I
+discern some loftier motive, such as sincerely chivalrous generosity,
+humanity, unselfish desire to help and uplift, etc. Doubtless, in this
+as in most matters, a variety of motives and influences played their
+part in shaping one's conduct. Single and entirely unmixed motives are
+much more rare than most people believe, I fancy. Pride and vanity
+have a way of dogging generosity's footsteps very closely; steadfast
+endurance and selfish obstinacy are nearly related; and I dare say
+real kindness of heart often has a place where we most of us see only
+reckless self-indulgence.
+
+I remember very well a cold, clear moonlight night in the Hampstead
+Road, when reaction from solitary reflection made me unbosom myself a
+good deal to Sidney Heron, in the form of seeking his advice. On
+previous occasions I had told him something of Fanny and her dismal
+position, and he had seen her once or twice at my lodging.
+
+'H'm! Yes. Precisely. So I inferred.'
+
+It was with such ejaculations, rather sardonic in tone, I thought,
+that he listened to me as we walked.
+
+'Well, what shall I do?' I said at length as we reached his gate.
+
+'What will you do?' he echoed. 'Well, my friend, since you are an
+inspired ass, and a confirmed sentimentalist, I imagine you----'
+
+'What would you advise in the circumstances, I mean?' I interpolated
+hurriedly.
+
+'My advice. Oh, that's another matter altogether, and of absolutely no
+value.'
+
+'But, on the contrary, you are older than I.'
+
+'I am indeed--centuries.'
+
+'And your advice should be very helpful to me.'
+
+'So it should. But it won't be, because you won't follow it.'
+
+'How can you know that?'
+
+'From my knowledge of human nature, sir; and, in particular, my
+observation of your sub-species.'
+
+'Try me, anyhow.'
+
+'Very well. Change your lodging to-morrow, and never set foot in
+Howard Street again. There's my advice, and it's the best you'll ever
+get--and the last you'd ever think of following. Give me a cigarette
+if you want to continue this perfectly useless conversation.'
+
+'But, my dear Heron, I'm anxious to do the wisest thing----'
+
+'Not you!'
+
+'But consider the plight of that poor girl.'
+
+'Oh, come! This opens new ground. I thought I was engaged to advise
+you.'
+
+'Certainly. But in relation to--to what we've been talking about.'
+
+'H'm! In relation, you mean, to Fanny Pelly? Phoebus, what a name! I
+wonder if you know what you mean, Freydon! Let's assume you mean
+having equal regard to your own interests and those of your gin-drinking
+landlady's daughter. Hey?'
+
+'Well, yes. Always remembering, of course, that I am only a man, and
+she----'
+
+'Oh, Lord! Excuse me. Yes; you are only a man, as you so truly say;
+and she is--your landlady's daughter. Well, well, upon the whole, and
+giving her interests a fair show, I think my advice would be precisely
+the same--clear out to-morrow.'
+
+'And what about her future?'
+
+'My dear man, am I a reasoning human being, or a novelette-reading
+jelly-fish? Did I not say that having regard to the interests of both,
+that is my advice? Kindly credit me with the modicum of intelligence
+required for adequate consideration of both sides. It isn't an
+international complication, you know; neither is it a situation
+entirely without precedent in history. But, mind you, I'm perfectly
+well aware that no advice, however good, is ever of any practical use;
+least of all in circumstances of this order. It does, I believe,
+occasionally impel its victim in the direction opposite to the one
+indicated. Yes, and especially in such cases. Well, my friend, upon
+reconsideration then, my advice is that first thing to-morrow morning
+you proceed to Doctors' Commons, wherever and whatever that may be,
+procure a special licence, and many the girl. Only--don't you dare to
+ask me to have anything to do with it.'
+
+The suggestion has a fantastic look, but I am more than half inclined
+to think Heron's final piece of advice did have its bearing upon my
+subsequent actions. For it started a train of thought in my mind
+regarding marriage. It gave a practical shape to mere vague
+imaginings. It set me looking into details. For example, I distinctly
+remember murmuring to myself as I turned the corner of Heron's street:
+
+'Yes, after all, I suppose getting married is quite a simple job,
+really. There are registrar's offices, aren't there? I suppose it's
+pretty well as simple, really, as getting a new coat.'
+
+How Heron would have grinned if he had been able to follow this
+soliloquy!
+
+Fanny was on her knees before my hearth when I reached my room. The
+lamp burned clear and soft beside my blotting-pad. The fire glowed
+cheerily, and Fanny had just swept the hearth, so that no speck showed
+upon it. And my slippers were in the fender. Less than a year earlier
+my homecomings had been singularly different; a dark, cold room in a
+malodorous house, with very possibly a drunken couple brawling on the
+landing outside.
+
+But there were tears in Fanny's eyes. The mother was in one of her
+vicious tempers, it seemed, and had gone to bed in her basement room
+with the keys of larder and kitchen, and a bottle of gin. The
+daughter's last meal had been whatever she could get for midday
+dinner. And it was now nine o'clock in the evening.
+
+'Just you wait there. Don't stir from where you arc. I'll be back in
+three minutes,' I told her.
+
+There was a ham and beef shop at the junction of Howard and Albany
+Street. Thither I hastened. Leaving this convenient repository of
+ready-cooked comestibles, I bethought me of the question of something
+to drink. I was bent on doing this thing well, according to my lights.
+Presently I reached my room again, armed with pressed beef, cold
+chicken, bread, butter, mustard, salt, plates, cutlery, a segment of
+vividly yellow cake, and, crowning triumph, a half bottle of Macon.
+
+The Dickensian tradition rather suggests that the ripe experience of a
+middle-aged _bon vivant_ is desirable in the host at such occasions.
+Well, in that master's time youth may have lasted longer in life than
+it does with us. My own notion is that mine was the ideal age for such
+a part. I think of that little supper--Fanny's tremulous sips of
+Burgundy from my wash-stand tumbler, the warm flush in her pale
+cheeks, and the sparkle in her brown eyes--as crystallising a good
+deal of the phase in which I was living just then. I am quite sure I
+did it well, very well.
+
+In buying those viands I knew I should keenly enjoy our little supper.
+I pictured very clearly how delightful it would all seem to poor
+Fanny; her flushed enjoyment; just what a rare treat the whole episode
+would be for her. I knew how pleasantly that spectacle would thrill
+me. I thought too, in a way, what a devilish romantic chap I was,
+rushing out at night to purchase supper--and Burgundy; that was
+important; claret would not have served--for a forlorn and unhappy
+girl, who, but for my resourcefulness, would have gone starving to
+bed. How oddly mixed the motives! The Burgundy, now; I believed it a
+more generous and feeding wine than any other. Also, for some reason,
+it was for me a more romantic wine; more closely associated with, say,
+the Three Musketeers and with Burgundian Denys, comrade of Reade's
+Gerard.
+
+I quite genuinely wanted to help Fanny, to do her good, to brighten
+her dull life. The contemplation of her pleasure gave me what some
+would call the most unselfish delight. Withal, as I say, how oddly
+various are one's motive springs, especially in youth! And, in some
+respects, what a blind young fool I was! That wine, now.... Who
+knows? ... I took but a sip or two, for ceremony's sake, and insisted on
+fragile Fanny finishing the half bottle. And I kissed her lips, not
+her cheek, as I held the lamp high to light her on her way to the
+garret where she slept.
+
+* * * * *
+
+I have not the smallest desire to make excuses for such foolishness as
+I displayed, at this or any other period. But I think it just to
+remind myself that there are worse things than foolishness, and that
+my relations with Fanny might conceivably have formed a darker page
+for me to look back upon than they actually did form. We both were
+young, both lonely; neither of us had found much tenderness in life,
+and I--I was passing through an extremely emotional phase of life, as
+my work of that period clearly shows.
+
+Within a month of that evening of the supper in my room, Fanny and I
+were married in a registrar's office in St. Pancras, and set up
+housekeeping in one tiny bedroom and a sitting-room in Camden Town. I
+had convinced Fanny that this was the only way out of her troubles,
+and goodness knows I believed it. Heron refused point blank to witness
+the ceremony, such as it was; but he shared our table at his favourite
+little French restaurant that evening, and even consented to prolong
+the festive occasion by spending a further hour with us in our new
+quarters.
+
+I think Fanny was pretty much preoccupied in wondering what her mother
+would make of the joint note we had left for her. (I had removed all
+my belongings from No. 37 several days before.) But I thought she made
+a pretty little figure as a bride--gentle, clinging, tender, and no
+more than agreeably shy. And Heron, what a revelation to me his manner
+was! Throughout the evening there appeared not one faintest hint of
+his habitual acidulated brusqueness. Not one sharp word did he speak
+that night, and his manner toward my wife was the perfection of gentle
+and considerate courtesy. I was dumbfounded and deeply moved by his
+really startling behaviour. He was so incredibly gentle. His parting
+words, such words as I had never thought to hear upon his lips, were:
+
+'Heaven bless you both!' And then, as I could have sworn, with
+moisture in his eyes, he added: 'You are both good souls, and--after
+all, some are happy!'
+
+For so convinced and angry a cynic and pessimist, his behaviour had
+been remarkable. When I returned to Fanny she was admiring her pretty,
+new, dove-coloured frock in the fly-blown mirror of our sitting-room.
+Poor child, her experience of new frocks had not been extensive.
+
+'He's a real gentleman, is Mr. Heron,' she said with a little
+welcoming smile to me. I liked the smile; but, almost for the first
+time I think, on that day at all events, her words jarred on me a
+little. But what jarred more perhaps was the fact that these words, so
+apparently innocent and harmless, sent a vagrant thought through my
+mind that filled me with harsh self-contempt. The thought will
+doubtless appear even more paltry than it was if put into words, but
+it was something to the effect that-- Of course, Heron was a
+gentleman! Why else would he be a friend of mine?
+
+Perhaps the thought was hardly so absurd as my solemn self-contempt
+over it! ...
+
+
+IX
+
+
+I have sometimes thought that, in its early days at all events, and
+before the more serious trouble arose, our married life might have
+been a little brighter if we had quarrelled occasionally. It would
+perhaps have shown a more agreeable disposition in me. But we did not
+quarrel. I felt, and probably showed, displeasure and dissatisfaction;
+and Fanny-- But how shall I presume to tell what Fanny felt? She
+showed occasional tears, and what I grew to think rather frequent
+sulks and peevishness.
+
+Our first difficulties began within a day or two of our marriage.
+Chief among them I would place what I regarded as my wife's altogether
+unaccountable and quite unreasonable determination to keep up
+relations with her mother. I thought I was unfairly treated here, and
+I made no allowance for filial feelings, or the influence of Fanny's
+life-long tutelage. I only saw that she had very gladly allowed me to
+rescue her from the tyranny of a spiteful, gin-drinking, old woman;
+and that, within forty-eight hours, she was for visiting her mother as
+a regular thing, and even proposed that I should join her in this.
+
+That was one of the early difficulties; and another, more distressing
+in its way, was my discovery of the fact that it was apparently
+impossible for me to think consecutively, or to write when I had
+thought, in a room which was my wife's living place. It was strange
+that I should never have given a thought before marriage to a
+practical point so intimately touching my peace of mind and means of
+livelihood.
+
+At present it did not seem to me that I could possibly afford to rent
+another room. I certainly was not prepared to banish Fanny to our tiny
+bedroom, separated from the other room by folding doors. She had no
+notion as yet that her presence or doings constituted any sort of
+interruption in my work. The change from carrying on the whole work of
+a lodging-house to living in lodgings with practically no domestic
+work to do was one which, in my foolish ignorance, I had thought would
+prove immensely beneficial to overworked Fanny. As a fact I think it
+bored her terribly after the first week. She sometimes liked to read,
+but never, I think, for more than half an hour at a stretch. She never
+wrote a letter, and did not care for thinking.
+
+I have found very few people in any class of life who like to sit and
+think; very few, even among educated people, who showed any sympathy
+or comprehension in the matter of my own lifelong desire for leisure
+in which to think. To do this or that, yes; but just to think! That
+seems to be a lamentable and most boring kind of futility, as most
+folk see it. It has for many years figured as the most desirable thing
+in life to me.
+
+Looking back upon my married life, I believe I may say with truth that
+for two years I did not relax in my sincere efforts to make it a
+success. It would be more exact perhaps to say that for one year I
+tried hard to make it a success, and for another year I tried hard to
+make it tolerable. Yes, I did my best through that period, though my
+efforts were quite unsuccessful. I realise that this does not justify
+or excuse the fact that, to all intents and purposes, I then gave up
+trying. In that, of course, I was to blame; very much to blame. Well,
+I did not go unpunished.
+
+It would not be easy for a literary man who had never tried it to
+understand what it means to live practically in one room (with a
+sleeping cubicle opening out of it) with a woman. I suppose a woman
+would never forgive or see much excuse for the man who makes a failure
+of married life. I wonder how it would strike a literary woman if she
+tried life in these circumstances with an unliterary man who, whilst
+clinging to leisure and having no inclination to forfeit an hour of it
+in a day, yet was bored extremely from lack of occupation and
+resource.
+
+The horrid intimacy of urban life for all poor and needy people must
+be very wearing. Its lack of privacy is most distressing. But this
+becomes enormously aggravated, of course, where the bread-winner must
+do his work within the walls of the cramped home. And that aggravation
+of difficulties is multiplied tenfold if the bread-winner's work must
+not only be done inside the home, but must also be the product of
+sustained and concentrated thought; if it be work of that sort which
+lends itself readily to interruption, in which a moment's break may
+mean an hour's delay, and an hour's delay may mean for the worker a
+fit of hot disgust in which his unfinished task finds its way into
+fireplace or waste-paper basket.
+
+The year which I gave to trying to make a success of our married life
+appears to me in the retrospect as a monotonous series of abortive
+honeymoons, separated by interludes of terribly hard and unfruitful
+labour for me (more exhausting than any long sustained working effort
+I ever made), throughout which, out of respect for my praiseworthy
+resolutions as a would-be good husband, my exacerbated temper was
+cloaked in a sort of waxy fixative, even as some men discipline their
+moustaches. I see myself in these periods as a man acutely tired,
+miserably conscious of the barren nature of his exhausting daily toil,
+and wearing a horrible set smile of connubial amiability; the sort of
+smile which, in time, produces a kind of facial cramp.
+
+My wife, poor little soul, was not, I think, burdened by any self-imposed
+task touching the set of her lips. And it may be this was so
+much the worse for her. In the absence of any recognised duty she knew
+of no distraction save her visits to her mother, regarding which she
+felt a certain furtiveness to be necessary, by reason of my ill-judged
+show of impatience in this matter, and my refusal to open my own arms
+to the woman who, for years, had made Fanny's life a burden to her.
+
+'Confound it!' I thought. 'My part was to release her from this
+harridan's clutches, not to go round and mix tears and gin with the
+woman.'
+
+But I was wrong. I should have gone much farther, or not near so far.
+(How often that has been my fault!) Either I should have prevented
+those visits, or sterilised them by taking part in them.
+
+By the time that a spell of the set smile and the barren labours had
+brought me near to breaking point, Fanny would be frequently tearful
+and desperately peevish from her boredom, and from poor health; for I
+fancy she was in little better case than I as regards the penalties of
+a faulty and inadequate dietary, combined with long confinement within
+doors. These conditions would produce in me a day or two (and a
+sleepless night or two) of black, dyspeptic melancholy, and quite
+hopeless depression. Then, as like as not, I would try a long tramp,
+probably in Epping Forest, and after that--another abortive honeymoon.
+In other words, full of wise resolutions and determined hopefulness, I
+would apply the fixative to my domestic circle smile and amiability,
+and make an entirely fresh start, with a little jaunt of some kind as
+a send off.
+
+I fancy Fanny's faith in these foredoomed attempts remained
+permanently unsullied. I know she used to resolve to discontinue the
+long gossipy afternoons with her mother in Howard Street--in some
+mysterious way the mother had lain aside all her old pretensions as a
+tyrannical autocrat, and they met now, I gathered, as friendly
+gossips--and to become an ideal wife for a literary man. She would
+even tell our landlady not to clean or tidy our rooms any more, since
+she, Fanny, intended to do this in future. And she would do it--for a
+week or so; just as I would keep up my sickening grin, and the attempt
+to make myself believe that I really liked doing my work in public
+libraries, reading-rooms, waiting-rooms, and other such inspiring
+places. Not even on the first day of a new honeymoon could I force
+myself to fancy I liked the attempt to work in our joint sitting-room.
+That affected me like a neuralgia.
+
+The point, and perhaps the only point I can make in extenuation of my
+admitted failure to conduct my married life to a successful issue, I
+have made already; for one year I did, according to my poor lights,
+strive consistently and hard for success. Throughout another year I
+did strive as hardly, and almost equally consistently to make our
+joint life tolerable for us both. More than that I cannot claim, and,
+in the light of all that happened, I feel that this much is rather
+pitifully little.
+
+
+X
+
+
+It may very well be that during the first years after my marriage some
+of the chickens I had hatched out in the preceding years of slum life
+and incessant scribbling came home to roost. In the case of my
+reckless sins against hygiene and my digestion, I know they did. But
+also, I fancy, as touching work, and its monetary reward; for my
+earnings increased somewhat, while my work suffered deterioration,
+both in quality and quantity.
+
+If it had not chanced to reach me in the black fit which preceded one
+of my make-believe new honeymoons, I should doubtless have been a good
+deal more elated than I was by the letter I received from Mr. Sylvanus
+Creed, the well-known connoisseur and arbiter of literary taste, who
+presided over the fortunes of the publishing house that bore his name.
+This letter--written with distinction and a quill pen upon beautifully
+embossed deckle-edged paper, which seemed to me to have a subtle
+perfume about it--requested the pleasure of my company at luncheon
+with the great Sylvanus; the place his favourite club--the Court, in
+Piccadilly.
+
+He received me with beautiful urbanity, if a thought languidly. It was
+clearly a point of honour with him to refer to nothing so prosaic as
+any kind of work until he had plied me with the best which his
+luxurious club had to offer; and I gladly record that our luncheon was
+by far the most ambitious meal I had ever made, or even dreamed of, up
+to that day. And then, over the delicate Havannahs and fragrant coffee
+and liqueurs--the enterprise of youth was still mine in these matters,
+and in those days I accepted any such delicacies as the gods sent my
+way with never a thought of question, or of consequence--I was
+informed, with truly regal complaisance, that a certain bundle of
+manuscript short stories of mine (which by this time had been the
+round of quite a number of publishers' readers without making any
+perceptible progress towards germination and print) had been chosen
+for the honour of inclusion in the new _Fin de siecle_ Library of
+Fiction, which, as all the world knows--or knew, at all events, during
+that season--represented the last word, both in literary excellence
+and artistic publishing.
+
+I was perhaps less overpowered than I might, and no doubt ought to
+have been, by reason of the fact that I had at least been shrewd
+enough to know in advance that it was hardly for my bright eyes the
+famous publisher was entertaining me. However, I assumed a decent
+amount of ecstasy, and was genuinely glad of the prospect of seeing my
+first book handsomely published. After a proper interval I ventured
+upon a delicate inquiry as to terms; whereupon the deprecatory wave of
+Sylvanus Creed's white and jewelled hand made me feel (or pretend to
+feel) a low fellow for my pains. I gathered that on our return to the
+sumptuously appointed studio from which my host directed the destinies
+of his publishing house, one of his secretaries of state would submit
+to me a specimen of the regulation agreement for the publication of
+first books.
+
+That airy mention of 'first books' caused a chill presentiment to
+pierce the ambrosial fumes by which I was surrounded. The transaction
+was to bring me no particular profit, I thought. Well, the luncheon
+had been superfine. The format of Sylvanus Creed's books was
+indubitably pleasing to hand and eye. And, true enough, it was a
+'first book.' Money, after all--and particularly after such a
+luncheon ...
+
+But I will say that in subsequently signing the daintily embossed
+agreement (subtly perfumed, I thought, like the letter paper) I was
+blissfully ignorant of the fact that it also gave Mr. Sylvanus Creed
+my second book, whatever that might prove to be, upon the same
+exiguous terms. The fault was wholly mine, of course. There was the
+agreement (in the most elegant sort of copper-plate script) quite open
+for my perusal. I fancy, perhaps, the Court Club's liqueurs were even
+more agreeably potent than its wines. I know it seemed absurdly
+curmudgeonly that I should think of wading through the document, and
+while Sylvanus's own fair hand held a pen waiting for me, too. And,
+indeed, I do not in the least grudge that signature now.
+
+And thus, with every circumstance of artistic fitness and ease, I was
+committed to authorship. The second floor back in Camden Town looked a
+shade dingy after my publisher's sanctum; but I carried a couple of
+gift copies of the _Fin de siecle_ books in my hand, and my own
+effusions were to form the fifth volume of the series. With such news
+I clearly was justified in bidding Sidney Heron take his dinner with
+us that night. Fanny rather cooled about the great event, when its
+monetary insignificance was made partially clear to her. But she
+enjoyed the little dinner with Heron; and, as a matter of fact, we
+were doing rather well in the monetary way just then, though hardly
+well enough to enable me to rent a third room for use as study.
+
+I found that sovereigns had somehow shrunken and lost much of their
+magic in Fanny's hands with the passage of time. At the time of our
+marriage, I had been agreeably surprised to learn that Fanny was a
+cleverer economist than I, with all my grim learning in South
+Tottenham. The few pounds I was able to give her on the eve of our
+marriage had been made to work miracles I thought. But lately it had
+seemed a little different. Fanny had, of course, changed in many small
+ways; and one result, as I gathered, was that our sovereigns had
+become less powerful. Their purchasing power was notably reduced, it
+seemed. Fortunately, I was earning more. But it was clear the increase
+in my earnings would not as yet permit of any increase in our
+expenditure upon rent. Sometimes in the Cimmerian intervals
+immediately preceding one of our fresh starts, my reflections upon
+such a point were very bitter. There was no sort of doubt that the
+quality of my work was suffering seriously from lack of a private
+workshop....
+
+On the day my second book was published--the first, while favourably
+reviewed, had not precisely taken the world by storm; its successor
+was my first novel--I had said that I should not get back to our rooms
+before about seven o'clock, in time for the evening meal. A dizzy
+headache, combined with a series of interruptions in the public
+reading-room where I had been at work, brought me to Camden Town
+between four and five, determined to take a couple of hours' rest, to
+sleep if possible on our bed. It happened that I met our landlady on
+the steps of the house, and asked her casually if my wife had returned
+yet. Fanny had said in the morning that she had promised to go and see
+her mother that day. The landlady looked at me a little oddly, I
+thought. Her reply was normal, and, characteristically enough, more
+wordy than informing:
+
+'Oh, I couldn't sye, Mr. Fr'ydon; I reely couldn't sye. I know Mrs.
+Fr'ydon went art early this mornin', because she 'appened to speak to
+me in passin', an' she said she was goin' to see 'er mother, "Oh, are
+yer?" I says. "An' I 'ope you'll find 'er well," I says.'
+
+I passed on indoors and upstairs, thinking dizzily about Cockney
+dialect--I had the worst kind of dyspeptic headache--and feeling
+rather glad my wife was away. 'An hour's sleep will set me right,' I
+muttered to myself as I entered our tiny bedroom.
+
+But Fanny was lying on the bed, fully dressed, even to her hat, and
+with muddy boots. She was maundering over to herself the silly words
+of some inane song of the day. She was horribly flushed, and-- But let
+me make an end of it. My wife was grossly and quite unmistakably
+drunk, and the stuffy little room reeked of gin.
+
+As it happened I never had been drunk. It was not one of my
+weaknesses. But if it had been, I dare say I should have been no whit
+the less horrified and alarmed and disgusted by this lamentable
+spectacle of my wife--stupid, maundering, helpless, and looking
+like ... But I need not labour the point.
+
+In a flash I recalled a host of tiny incidents. It was extraordinary
+how recollection of the series rattled through my aching brain like
+bullets from a machine gun.
+
+'This has been going on for some time,' I thought. And then, 'I
+suppose this is hereditary.' And then, 'This comes of the visits to
+Howard Street.' And then, curiously, recollection of those wedding
+night words of Heron's which had so touched me: 'Heaven bless you! You
+are both good souls, and--after all, some are happy!'
+
+'Perhaps some are,' I thought bitterly. 'I wonder how much chance
+there is for us!'
+
+In just the same way that I think the beginning of our married life
+might have been more agreeable, less strained, if we had had
+occasional quarrels, so I dare say at this critical juncture, when I
+discovered that my wife had taken to drinking gin, my right cue would
+have been that of open anger, or, at all events, of very serious
+remonstrance. It is easy to be wise after the event. I did not seem to
+be capable just then of talk or remonstrance. All I did actually say
+was commonplace and unhelpful enough. I said as I remember very well:
+
+'Good God, Fanny! I never thought to see you in this state.' And
+then--the futility of it--I added, 'You'd better take your hat and boots
+off.'
+
+With that I walked into the sitting-room, closing the dividing door
+after me, and subsided, utterly despondent, into the chair beside the
+empty grate. A man could hardly have been more wretched; but after a
+minute or two I could not help noticing, as something singular, the
+fact that my sick, dizzy headache had disappeared. The pain had been
+horridly severe, or I should hardly have noticed its cessation. But
+now, with my spirits at their lowest and blackest, my head was clear
+again; not by a gradual recovery, but in one minute.
+
+
+XI
+
+
+Fanny had spoken no word to me, and I wondered greatly at that. She
+had only smiled and laughed in a foolish way. And a few minutes later
+I knew by her breathing--even through the closed doors, so much was
+unmistakable--that she slept.
+
+I may have sat there for an hour, nursing the bitterest kind of
+reflections. Then I decided to go out, and found I had left my hat in
+the bedroom. Very cautiously I opened one leaf of the folding doors,
+tip-toed into the small room, and took my hat from the chair on which
+it lay. My gaze fell for one instant across the recumbent figure of my
+wife, and was withdrawn sharply. I went out with anger and revulsion
+in my heart, and walked rather quickly for an hour, conscious of no
+relief from bitterness, no softening of my feelings.
+
+Then I happened to pass a familiar restaurant, and told myself I would
+have some dinner. 'She must go her own way,' I muttered savagely.
+
+I entered the place, found a seat, and consulted the bill of fare. A
+greasily smiling Italian came to take my order.
+
+'Madame is not wiz you, sare?' the fellow said.
+
+We had not been there for a month, but he remembered; and, on the
+instant, I recalled our last visit--the beginning of one of our fresh
+starts. And this was the end of it. Well!
+
+Suddenly I found myself reaching for my hat.
+
+'No,' I said, 'madam is late. I will go and look for her.' And out I
+went. In that moment I had seen pictures: Fanny, before our marriage,
+on her knees at my hearth in the room in Howard Street; in her
+dove-coloured frock on our marriage night, clinging to my arm when
+she was fresh from the excitement of leaving Howard Street. There were
+other scenes. What an immature and helpless child she was! And how
+much help had I given her? After all, food and clothing and so forth,
+freedom from tyranny--well, these were not everything. She needed more
+intimate care and guidance. The responsibility was mine.
+
+In the end I went to a shop and bought the materials for a meal, even
+as on an evening which seemed very long ago, when I had given her
+supper in my bedroom. Only, on this occasion, with a sigh which
+contained considerable self-reproach, I omitted Burgundy, or any
+equivalent thereto. We had the wherewithal for brewing tea in our
+rooms. And so, carrying a supper for us both, I returned to the
+lodging. And there was Fanny on her knees before the hearth in the
+sitting-room, just as she had been on that previous occasion. And now
+she was crying. Her nerveless fingers held no brush. The hearth was
+far from speckless, and the grate held only dead grey ashes, and some
+scraps of torn paper--my own wasted manuscript.
+
+Fanny was weeping, weakly and quietly. She knew, then. She had not
+forgotten that I had seen her. But her hair had been brushed. She wore
+a different gown. She looked shrinkingly and fearfully up at me as I
+came in.
+
+'You better, little woman?' I said as I began to put down my parcels.
+I had tried hard to make the words sound careless and normal,
+kindly and cheerful. But I thought as I heard them that a man with a
+quinsy might have managed a better tone.
+
+In another moment she was clinging to me somehow, without having risen
+to her feet, and sobbing out an incoherent expression of her penitence
+and shame. I was tremendously moved. And, while seeking to console
+her, my real sympathy for this sobbing child was shot through and
+illumined by the most fatuous sort of optimism.
+
+'I've been making a tragedy out of a disagreeable mishap,' I told
+myself. 'She is only a child who has made herself ill. The thing won't
+happen again, one may be sure. This is a lesson she will never forget.
+No one could possibly mistake the genuineness of all this.' By which I
+meant her heaving shoulders, streaming eyes, and penitent
+self-abasement.
+
+In the process of soothing her, of course, I made light of her
+self-confessed baseness. I suppose I spent at least half an hour in
+comforting her. Then we supped, with a hint of April gaiety towards
+the end. I endeavoured to be humorous in a lover-like way. Fanny
+dabbed her eyes, smiled, and choked, and even laughed a little. But
+the vows, protestations, resolves for the future--these were all most
+solemn and impressive.
+
+And they all held good, too,--for a week and a half. And then our
+landlady gave me notice, because in the broad light of mid-afternoon
+Fanny had stumbled over the front door-mat on entering the house, and
+lain there, laughing and singing; she had refused to move, and had had
+to be dragged upstairs for appearance's sake.
+
+The landlady must have occupied ten minutes, I think, in giving me
+notice. Almost, I could have struck the poor soul before she was
+through with it. When at length she drew breath, and allowed me to
+escape, I thought her Cockney dialect the basest and vilest ever
+evolved among the tongues of mankind. Yet the good woman was really
+very civil, and rather kindly disposed towards me than otherwise, I
+think. There was no good reason why I should have felt bitter towards
+her. Rather, perhaps, I should have been apologetic. And it was clean
+contrary to my nature and disposition, this savage bitterness. But one
+of the curses of squalor is that it exacerbates the mildest temper,
+corrodes and embitters every one it touches.
+
+On the third morning after our instalment in new lodgings--two almost
+exactly similar rooms, a little farther away from Mrs. Pelly and
+Howard Street, in a turning off the lower Hampstead Road--I received a
+letter, forwarded on from our first lodging, from Arncliffe, the
+editor to whom, some four years before this time, I had taken a letter
+of introduction. At intervals Arncliffe had accepted and published
+quite a number of articles from my pen, but we had not again met,
+unless one counts the occasion upon which I followed him into an
+expensive restaurant at luncheon time, on the off-chance of being
+noticed by him. The letter ran thus:
+
+'Dear Mr. Freydon,--As you are probably aware, I am now in the chair
+of the _Advocate_, and a pretty uneasy seat I find it, so far. It
+occurs to me that we might be able to do something for each other.
+Will you give me a call here between three and four one afternoon this
+week, if you are not too busy.--Yours sincerely,     Henry Arncliffe.'
+
+The letter gave me rather a thrill. Sylvanus Creed had published two
+books of mine, and my work had recently appeared in several of the
+leading journals. But the _Advocate_ was certainly one of the oldest
+and most famous of London's daily newspapers--I vaguely recalled
+having read somewhere that it had changed its proprietors during the
+past week or so--and I had never before received a summons from the
+editor of such a journal. Fanny had a headache and was cross that
+morning; but I told her of the letter, and explained that it might
+easily mean some increase in my earnings.
+
+'If he would commission me for a series of articles, we might afford
+to take a room on the next floor for me to work in,' I said rather
+selfishly perhaps.
+
+'Groceries seem to be dearer every week,' said Fanny, 'and Mrs. Heaps
+charges sevenpence for every scuttle of coal. I never heard of such a
+price. Mother never charges more than sixpence, no matter if coal goes
+up ever so.'
+
+This touched a sore spot between us. It seemed Mrs. Pelly had two
+rooms empty, and Fanny did not find it easy to forgive me for my
+refusal to go and live in Howard Street.
+
+If Arncliffe found his editorial chair an uneasy seat, it was not the
+chair's fault. A more dignified and withal more ingeniously contrived
+and padded resting-place for mortal limbs I never saw. And the
+editorial apartment, how spacious, silent, and admirably adapted, in
+the dignity of its lines and furnishings, for the reception of Cabinet
+Ministers, and the excogitation of thunderbolts for the chancelleries
+of Europe! It was currently reported in Fleet Street that Lord
+Beaconsfield had been particularly familiar with the interior of that
+apartment.
+
+I found the great man in cheerful spirits, and looking fresher than
+ordinary mortals, I suppose because his day had only just begun. From
+him I learned how, some eight days previously, the _Advocate_ had been
+purchased, lock, stock, and barrel (from the family whose members had
+inherited possession of it), by Sir William Bartram, M.P., head of the
+great engineering and contracting firm which bore his name. It seemed
+Sir William had been advised by a very great statesman indeed to
+secure the editorial services of Mr. Arncliffe; and he had managed to
+do it in forty-eight hours by dint of the exercise of a certain amount
+of political and social influence in various quarters, and by entering
+into a contract which, for some years, at all events, would make
+Arncliffe a tolerably rich man.
+
+A good deal was left to my imagination, of course. It was assumed,
+very kindly, that I understood the relations existing between this
+nobleman and the other, as touching Sir William's precise influence
+and sphere in the world of politics. Naturally, when the Party Whip
+heard so and so, he went to Mr. ----, and the result, of course, was
+pressure from Lord ----, which settled the matter in five minutes. I
+nodded very intelligently at intervals, to show my recognition of the
+inevitableness of it all; and so an end was reached of that stage in
+our conversation.
+
+In the slight pause which followed Arncliffe touched a spring
+releasing the door of a cabinet apparently designed to hold State
+Papers of the highest importance, and disclosed some beautiful boxes
+of cigars and other creature comforts. It became clear to me, as I
+thanked Arncliffe for the match he handed me, that he must have
+forgotten the first impressions he had formed of me some years
+earlier. Perhaps he had confused me in his mind with some other more
+important and affluent person. And yet he did remember some of my
+articles. His remarks proved that. I wondered if he could also
+remember that they had reached him, some of them, from South
+Tottenham. Probably not. And, if he did, his editorial omniscience
+could hardly have given him knowledge of any of my slum garrets. On
+the other hand, he clearly assumed that I was familiar with the life
+of the House of Commons and the clubs of London, if not with that of
+the other august and crimson-benched Chamber.
+
+'You know L----,' he said, casually mentioning a leader in literary
+journalism so prominent that I could not but be familiar with his
+reputation.
+
+'By name, of course,' I agreed.
+
+'Ah! To be sure. And T----, and R----, and, I think, J----; yes, I've
+got 'em all. So we ought to make the _Advocate_ move things along, if
+the most brilliant staff in London can accomplish it.'
+
+I nodded sympathetically, and presently gathered that over and above
+all this the kindly and intimate relations subsisting between
+Arncliffe and the principal occupants of the Treasury Bench (not to
+mention a certain moiety of influence which might conceivably be
+exercised by the new proprietor, Sir William) were such as to ensure
+brilliant success and greatly increased prestige to the _Advocate_,
+under the new regime.
+
+All this was very pleasant hearing, of course, and at suitable
+intervals I offered congratulatory movements of the head and eyebrows,
+with murmured ejaculations to similar effect. But, as touching myself
+and my obscure problems (of which such an Olympian as Arncliffe could,
+naturally, have no conception), it was all somewhat insubstantial and
+remote; rather of the stuff of which dreams are compounded. And so,
+watching my opportunity, I presently ventured a tentative inquiry as
+to the direction in which I might hope to justify the terms of Mr.
+Arncliffe's letter, and be of any service.
+
+'Oh! Well, of course, that's for you to say,' said the editor, with a
+suggestion of having been suddenly curbed in full career. 'I may be
+quite wrong in supposing such things would have any interest for you.
+But I--I have followed--er--your work, you know; followed your work
+and, in fact, it struck me you might like to join us here, you know.
+It is a staff worth joining, I think, and-- But, of course, you are the
+best judge of your own affairs.'
+
+'It's extremely kind of you, extremely kind.'
+
+'Not at all. I think you could do good work for the _Advocate_.'
+
+'There's nothing I'd like better. But-- Do I understand that you mean
+me to join your permanent staff, and come and work here in the
+building every day?'
+
+'Why, yes; yes, to be sure.'
+
+'I see.'
+
+It meant an end to my free-lancing then. But, after all, what had this
+free-lancing meant, since my marriage? It would provide a place to
+work in. The hours might not be excessive. The pay ... Fanny was for
+ever talking of the increase in prices. My earnings, though on the up
+grade, had seemed very insufficient of late. There certainly was
+nothing to make me cling to our home as a place in which to carry on
+my work.
+
+'And in the matter of salary?' I said, as who should say that in such
+a business it is well to glance at even the most trivial of details.
+
+'Ah!' replied Arncliffe. 'Yes; that's a point now, isn't it? You see
+the fact is I had a bit of a scene with the business side here
+yesterday. We are new to each other as yet, you know--the manager and
+myself. But he's a very decent fellow, and I shall soon have him
+properly in hand, I'm sure of that. Meantime, of course, I have been
+rather going it, you know, from his point of view. You can't get
+L----, and T----, and R----, for tuppence-ha'penny, you know.'
+
+'No, indeed, that's true,' said I, with the air of one who had tried
+this game and proved its impossibility.
+
+'No. And so, in the matter of pay I must go gently, you know, at
+first. I must ca' canny for a while. I shall be able to make things
+all right a little later on, you know, but just to begin with I'm
+afraid I couldn't manage more than three or four hundred a year.'
+
+I did not think it necessary to mention that my London record so far
+was little more than half the lower sum mentioned. On the contrary, I
+pinched my chin and said: 'Oh!' rather blankly, and without really
+knowing what I said, or why I said it. I wanted to think, as a matter
+of fact. But what I said was well enough.
+
+'H'm! Yes, I see what you mean. It is poor, I know,' said Arncliffe,
+in his quick, burbling way. 'But, as I say, I should hope to improve
+it a little later on, you know. And, meantime, you may probably
+continue to earn something outside, you know; so that two or three
+hundred--say three hundred--but of course you're the best judge.'
+
+Perhaps I was. I wonder! At all events, my mind was made up. The life
+of the last few months had made it clear that I needed more money.
+
+'Oh, I'll be very glad,' I said. 'By the way, you did mention at first
+three or four, not two or three hundred.'
+
+'Did I? Ah! Well, say three to begin with.'
+
+I gathered it was rather difficult for the real Olympian to think at
+all in figures so absurdly low. So we let it go at that, and, this
+being a Friday, I agreed to start work at the office on the following
+Monday.
+
+'I shall be able to get a room here, shall I not?' I asked with some
+anxiety.
+
+'A room? Oh, surely, surely. Yes, yes, that's all right. Ask for me.
+Come and see me before doing anything, and I'll see to it. So glad
+we've fixed it. Good-bye!'
+
+And so, very affably, I was bowed out of my free-lance life, the which
+I had entered by way of the north-eastern slums.
+
+
+XII
+
+
+My first Monday in the _Advocate_ office was not a pleasant day.
+Arriving there about ten o'clock in the morning, I learned that the
+editor was never expected before three in the afternoon. I knew no
+other person in the building, and so no place was open to me except
+the waiting-room. However, I whiled away the morning in that apartment
+by making a pretty thorough study of a file of the _Advocate_, in the
+course of which I took notes and made memoranda of suggestions which
+would have kept an editor busy for a week or two had he acted upon one
+half of them.
+
+The time thus spent was far from wasted, since it gave me more of an
+insight into current politics (as reflected in the pages of this
+particular organ) than I had obtained during my whole life in England
+up till then, and it gave me a thorough grasp of the policy of the
+_Advocate_. After a somewhat Barmecidal feast in a Fleet Street
+eating-house (domestic expenditure left me very short of funds at this
+time), I returned to my post and wrote a political leading article
+which I ventured to think at least the equal in persuasive force and
+profundity of anything I had read that morning. At three o'clock
+precisely, my name, written on a slip of paper, was placed on the
+editorial table. There were then nine other people in the waiting-room.
+At four I began a second leading article, which was finished at
+half-past five. At a quarter to six the manuscript of both effusions
+was sent in to the editor. At a quarter to seven inquiry elicited the
+information that the editor had left the building almost an hour
+since, with Sir William Bartram, after a crowded afternoon which had
+brought disappointment to many beside myself who had wished to see
+him.
+
+Unused as I was now to salary earning I felt uneasy. It seemed to me
+rather dreadful that any institution should be mulcted to the extent
+of a guinea in the day, by way of payment to a man who spent that day
+in a waiting-room. I looked anxiously for my leading articles next
+morning. But, no; the editorial space was occupied by other (much less
+edifying) contributions upon topics which had not occurred to me.
+During that morning I began to fancy that the very bell-boys were
+suspicious, and might be contemplating the desirability of laying a
+complaint against me for not earning my princely salary.
+
+However, at a few minutes after three o'clock, I was escorted by the
+head messenger--who had rather the air of a seneschal or chamberlain--to
+the editorial apartment, where I found Arncliffe giving audience to
+his news editor, Mr. Pink, and one of his leader-writers, a very old
+_Advocate_ identity, Mr. Samuel Harbottle---a white-whiskered and
+rubicund gentleman, who was entitled to use most of the letters of the
+alphabet after his name should he so choose. I was presented to both
+these gentlemen, and in a few minutes they took their departure.
+
+'Poor old Harbottle!' said Arncliffe, when the door had closed behind
+the leader-writer. 'An able man, mind you, in his prehistoric way;
+but-- Well, he can hardly expect to live our pace, you know. He has
+had a very fair innings. Still, we must move gradually. The change has
+to be made, but we don't want to upset these patriarchs more than is
+absolutely necessary. Have a cigar? Sure? Well, I dare say you're
+right. I'll have a cigarette. Sorry I couldn't see you yesterday. Now
+I'll tell you what I want you to tackle for me, first of all:
+Correspondence.'
+
+For a moment I had a vision of almost forgotten days in Sussex Street,
+Sydney: 'Dear Mr. Gubbins,--With regard to your last consignment of
+butter,' etc.
+
+'The correspondence of this paper has been disgracefully neglected.
+And, mind you, that's a serious mistake. Nothing people like better
+than seeing their names in the paper. They make their relatives read
+it, and for each time you print their rubbish, they'll be content to
+scan your every column for a fortnight. I mean to do it properly.
+We'll give two or three columns a day to our Letters to the Editor.
+But, the point is, they must be handled intelligently, both with
+regard to which letters should be used and which should not; and also
+in the matter of condensation. We can't let 'em ramble indefinitely,
+or they'd fill the paper. Now that's what I want you to tackle for me
+for a start. I can't possibly get time to wade through them myself;
+but if you once get the thing licked into proper shape, it will make a
+good permanent feature, and--er--you will gradually drop into other
+things, you know.'
+
+'Yes. I've made notes of a few suggestions,' I began.
+
+'Quite so. That's what I want. That's where I hope we shall be really
+successful. There's no good in having a brilliant editorial staff if
+one doesn't get suggestions from them, and act on 'em.'
+
+I drew some memoranda from my pocket. But the editor swept on.
+
+'I'm a thorough believer in suggestions. The moment I have got things
+running a little more smoothly, I shall have a round table conference
+every afternoon to deal with suggestions for the day. Meantime, I'll
+tell my secretary to have all letters for publication passed straight
+on to you, so that you can sift and prepare a correspondence feature
+every day. They may want helping out a bit occasionally, of course. A
+friendly lead, you know, from "An Old Reader," or "Paterfamilias," to
+keep 'em to their muttons. You'll see.'
+
+'And where can I work?' I asked.
+
+'Ah, to be sure. Yes. You want a room. Come with me now. I'll
+introduce you to Hutchens, the manager, and he'll fix you up.'
+
+Mr. Hutchens proved to be a miracle of correctness. I never knew much
+of Lombard Street, Cornhill, Threadneedle Street, and their purlieus;
+but I felt instinctively that Mr. Hutchens, in his dress, tone, and
+general deportment, had attained as closely as mortal might to the
+highest city standards of what a leading city man should be. I never
+saw a speck of dust on his immaculately shining boots or hat. His
+manner would have been almost priceless, I should suppose, in the
+board room of a bank. His close-clipped whiskers--resembling some
+costly fur--his large, perfectly white hands and frozen facial
+expression were alike eloquent of massive dividends, of balance sheets
+of sacred propriety, of gravely cordial votes of thanks to noble
+chairmen, of gilt-edged security and success.
+
+There was something, too, of the headmaster in the way in which he
+shook hands with me, and in the automatic geniality of the smile with
+which he favoured Arncliffe. (In this connection, of course, Arncliffe
+was a parent, and I a future incumbent of the swishing block.)
+
+'Another star in our costly galaxy,' he said; and, having reduced me
+by one glance to the proportions of a performing flea, rather poorly
+trained, he gave his attention indulgently to the editor.
+
+'With regard to that question of the extra twenty minutes for the last
+forme,' he began.
+
+'Yes, I know,' said Arncliffe. 'Drop in and see me about it later,
+will you?' (I marvelled at his temerity. As soon would I have thought
+of inviting the Lord Mayor to forsake his Mansion House and turtles to
+'drop in and see me later!') 'Meantime, I want you to find a home for
+Freydon, will you? He's going to tackle the--a new feature, you know,
+and must have a room.'
+
+'There's not a vacant room in the building, Mr. Arncliffe--hardly a
+chair, I should suppose. We now have a staff, you know, which----'
+
+'Yes, I know, I know; there's got to be a good deal of sifting, but we
+must go gently. We don't want to set Fleet Street humming. Look here!
+What about old Harbottle? He has a room, hasn't he?'
+
+'Mr. Harbottle has had his room here, Mr. Arncliffe, for just upon
+twenty-seven years.'
+
+'Yes; I thought so. Where is it?'
+
+'Mr. Harbottle's room is immediately overhead.'
+
+'Let's have a look at it. Do you mind? Can you spare a minute?'
+
+'Oh, I am quite at your service, of course, Mr. Arncliffe.'
+
+A minion from the messenger's office walked processionally before us
+bearing a key, and presently we were in Mr. Harbottle's sanctuary. Two
+well-worn saddle-bag chairs stood before the hearth, and between them
+a chastely designed little table. On the rug was a pair of roomy
+slippers. In a glass-fronted cabinet one saw decanters and tumblers.
+Against one wall stood a large and comfortable couch. The writing-table
+was supplied with virgin blotting-paper, new pens, works of
+reference, ash-tray, matches, and the like; and over the mantel hung a
+full-length portrait of Lord Beaconsfield. There was also an
+ivory-handled copper kettle, and a patent coffee-making apparatus.
+
+'H'm! The old boy makes himself comfortable,' said Arncliffe. 'He has
+written one short leader note since--since the change. And where does
+the other old gentleman work, Hutchens? The one with gout, you know.
+What's his name? The very old chap, I mean.'
+
+'Dr. Powell? Dr. Powell's room is the next one to this.'
+
+A key was brought to us, and we inspected another very similar
+apartment, which had a green baize-covered leg-rest on its hearth-rug.
+
+'H'm! Dr. Powell is not quite so busy, of course. We haven't had a
+line from him yet. Well, Hutchens, you might have Dr. Powell's things
+put in Mr. Harbottle's room at once, will you? or the other way about,
+you know. It doesn't matter which. Then Freydon here can have one of
+these rooms. He will want to start in at once.'
+
+'As you like, of course, Mr. Arncliffe,' said the manager, with
+portentous suavity. 'These gentlemen are of your staff, not mine. But,
+really! Well, it is for you to say, but I greatly fear that one or
+both of these gentlemen will be quite likely to resign if we treat
+them in so very summary a fashion.'
+
+'No! Do you really think that?' asked Arncliffe, so earnestly that I
+felt my chance of having a room to myself was irretrievably lost.
+
+'I do indeed, Mr. Arncliffe. You see, these gentlemen have been
+accustomed for very many years to--well, to a considerable amount of
+deference, and----'
+
+'Well, then, in that case, I'll tell you what, Hutchens; put 'em both
+in the other old gentleman's room upstairs, will you? Mr. Thingummy's,
+you know, who specialises on Egyptology. I know he's got a nice room,
+because he insisted on my drinking a glass of port there the other
+night. Port always upsets me. Put 'em both in there, will you? Then
+we'll give one of these rooms to L----, and you might let Freydon here
+start work in the other right away, will you? By Jove! If you're only
+right, you know, that will simplify matters immensely. An excellent
+idea of yours, Hutchens. I'm no end obliged to you.'
+
+'But, Mr. Arncliffe, I really----'
+
+'Right you are! I'll see you later about that last forme question.
+Look in in about an hour, will you? I must bolt now--half a dozen
+people waiting. You'll get the letters from my secretary, Freydon,
+won't you? Come and see me whenever you've got any suggestions. Always
+ready for suggestions, any time!'
+
+His last words reached us faintly from the staircase.
+
+'Tut, tut!' said Mr. Hutchens. 'I am afraid these violent upheavals
+will make for a good deal of trouble; a good deal of trouble.
+However!' And then he glared formidably upon me, as who should say:
+'At least, _you_ cannot give me any orders. Let me see you open your
+mouth, you confounded newcomer, and I will smite you to the earth with
+a managerial thunderbolt!'
+
+'Well,' said I cheerfully, 'I'd better go and fetch those letters. And
+which of these rooms would you prefer me to take?'
+
+'I would prefer, sir, that you took neither of them. But as Dr.
+Powell's gout is very bad, and he is therefore not likely to be here
+this week, you had better occupy this room--for the present.'
+
+The emphasis he laid on these last words seemed meant to convey to me
+a sense of the extreme precariousness of my tenure of any room in that
+building, if not of existence in the same city.
+
+'I trust you understand that this choice of rooms is no affair of
+mine,' I said.
+
+I thought his frozen expression showed a hint of softening at this,
+but he only said as he swept processionally away:
+
+'I will give the requisite instructions.'
+
+
+XIII
+
+
+For some weeks I was rather interested by the manipulation of that
+correspondence. Treated in a romantic spirit, the work was not unlike
+novel or play-writing; and, on paper, I established interesting
+relations with quite a number of rural clergymen, country squires,
+London clubmen, a don or two, and some lady correspondents.
+
+I availed myself generously of the hint about giving an occasional
+lead, and in starting new topics of discussion entered with zest into
+the task of creating and upholding imaginary partisans with one hand,
+whilst with the other hand bringing forth caustic opponents to vilify
+and belittle them. As a fact, I believe I made its correspondence the
+most amusing and interesting feature in the paper. But, as his way
+was, Arncliffe lost his enthusiasm for it after a time, and,
+delegating the care of its remains to some underling, spurred me on to
+fresh fields of journalistic enterprise.
+
+It was not easy for me to develop quite the same interest in these
+later undertakings, whatever their intrinsic qualities, for the reason
+that my domestic circumstances were becoming steadily more and more of
+a preoccupation and an anxiety. It had not taken very long for me to
+learn that, in my case at all events, the fact of one's income being
+doubled does not necessarily mean that one's life is made smooth and
+easy upon its domestic side. By virtue of my increased earnings we had
+moved, after my first month as a salaried man, to rather better rooms;
+but there seemed no point in having more than two of them, since I now
+had a room of my own at the _Advocate_ office, _vice_ poor Dr. Powell
+and his leg-rest, now no longer to be met with in that building.
+
+As time went on many unpleasant things became evident, among them the
+conclusion that ours, Fanny's and mine, was to be a nomadic sort of
+existence, though it was apparently never to fall to me to give notice
+of an intended change of residence. The notice invariably came from
+our landladies. And the better the lodging, the briefer our stay in
+it, because our notice came the sooner. In view of this it was, more
+than for any monetary reason--though, as a fact, it did seem to me
+that I was rather more short of money now than in my poorer days--that
+we took to living in shabby quarters, and in the frowzier types of
+apartment houses, where few questions are asked, and no particular
+etiquette is observed....
+
+So I set these things down as though looking back across the years
+upon the affairs of some unfortunate stranger on the world's far side.
+But, Heaven knows, this is not because I have forgotten, or shall ever
+forget, any of the squalid misery, the crushing, all-befouling
+humiliation and wretchedness of those years. Just as one part of the
+period burnt its mark into me for ever by means of its effects upon my
+bodily health, just as surely as it burned its way through my poor
+wife's constitution; so indelibly did every phase of it imprint itself
+upon my brain, and permanently colour my outlook upon life.
+
+Men, and even women, who have never come into personal contact with
+the pestilence that infected my married life, are able to speak
+lightly enough of it.
+
+'Bit too fond of his glass, I'm told!'
+
+'His wife is a bit peculiar, you know. Yes, he has to keep the
+decanters under lock and key, I believe.'
+
+Remarks of that sort, often semi-jocular, are common enough. The
+pastry-cooks and the grocers know a lot about the feminine side of
+this tragedy, at which so many folk smile. But those who, from
+personal experience, know the thing, would more likely smile in the
+face of Death himself, or joke about leprosy and famine.
+
+I had seen something of the working of the curse among London's very
+poor people. Now, I learned much more than I had ever known. At first
+I thought it terrible when, once in a month or so, Fanny became
+helpless and incapable from drinking gin. I came eventually to know
+what it meant to see ground for thankfulness, if not for hope, in a
+period of forty-eight consecutive hours of sobriety for my wife.
+
+The practical difficulties in these cases are very great for people as
+comparatively poor as we were. They are intolerably acute in the
+households of workmen earning from one to two pounds a week. In such
+families the presence of children--and there generally are children--is
+an added horror, which sometimes leads to the most gruesome kind of
+murder; murder for which some poor, unhinged, broken-hearted devil of
+a man is hanged, and so at last flung out of his misery.
+
+I never gave Fanny any money now if I could possibly avoid it.
+Accordingly, I discovered one day, when I had occasion to look for my
+dress clothes, that, having sold practically every garment of her own,
+my wife had cleared out the major portion of my small wardrobe.
+
+But a far worse thing happened shortly afterwards, when my wife pawned
+some plated oddments belonging to our landlady. This episode kept me
+on the rack for a full week. Replacing the stolen articles was,
+fortunately, not difficult; but the landlady was. She was bent upon
+prosecution, and our escape was an excruciatingly narrow one. I had a
+four days' 'holiday' over this episode, during which my editor was
+allowed to picture me in cheerful recuperation up-river--one of a
+merry boating party.
+
+After this I made inquiries about trained nurses, and gathered that
+they were quite beyond my means; not alone in the matter of the scale
+of remuneration they required, but, even more markedly, in the scale
+of household comfort which their employment necessitated. I talked the
+matter over very seriously with Fanny, and begged her to try the
+effect of three months in a curative institution of which I had
+obtained particulars. At first she was very bitter and angry in her
+refusal to discuss this. Then she wept, sobbed, and became hysterical
+in imploring me never to think of such a thing for her. But the
+extremely difficult and harrowing escape from police court proceedings
+had impressed me very deeply.
+
+As soon as we could get together the bare necessities by way of
+furnishings, I insisted on our moving into unfurnished rooms in which
+we could cater for ourselves. But the result was not merely that there
+was never a meal prepared for me, but also that Fanny never had a
+proper meal. I engaged servants. They either gave notice after a week,
+or worse, much worse, my wife made boon companions of them. We moved
+again, this time into unfurnished rooms in a house whose landlady
+undertook to serve meals to us at stated hours. But the house was too
+respectable for us, and in a month we were given notice.
+
+No, it was not easy to develop any very warm interest in Mr.
+Arncliffe's projects for the stimulation of the _Advocate's_
+circulation. But I occupied Dr. Powell's old room during most days,
+and did my best; and, rather to my surprise, when I quite casually
+said I was not able to afford some luxury or another--lawn tennis, I
+believe it was, recommended by my chief as a remedy for my fagged and
+unhealthy appearance--I was given an increase of salary to the extent
+of an additional fifty pounds a year. I expressed my thanks, and
+Arncliffe said:
+
+'Not at all, not at all. I'm only too glad. Your work's first rate,
+and I much appreciate your suggestions. I don't want you to work less;
+but, in all seriousness, my dear fellow, you should take it easier. Do
+just as much work, but don't worry so much about it. Carry your
+whatsaname more lightly, you know. Believe me, that's the thing.'
+
+I agreed of course, and went home to give Fanny the news of the
+increased salary. I found her helpless and comatose on the hearth-rug.
+
+I had talked to doctors, and gleaned little or nothing therefrom. Now
+I tried a lawyer, with a view to finding out the legal aspect of my
+position. Was it possible to oblige my wife to enter a curative
+institution against her will? Certainly not, save by a magistrate's
+order, and as the result of repeated appearances in the dock at police
+courts.
+
+The lawyer told me that our 'man-made' laws were pretty hard upon
+husbands in such cases as mine. They offered no relief or assistance
+whatever, he said; though in the case of a persistently drunken
+husband, the law was fortunately able to do a good deal for the wife.
+'But nothing at all when it's the other way round,' he added; 'a fact
+which leads to much misery, and not a little crime, among the poorer
+classes. I'm very sorry for you,' he added; 'but to be frank, I must
+say that the law will not help you one atom; neither will it offer you
+any kind of redress if your wife sells up your home once a week.
+Neither may you legally put her out from your home because of that.
+Under our law a wife may claim and hold her husband's company until
+she drives him into the bankruptcy court, or the lunatic asylum--or
+his grave. It is worse than senseless, but it is the law; and if your
+business prevents you keeping watch and ward over your wife yourself,
+the only course is to employ some relative, or a professed caretaker,
+to do it for you. The law shows a little more common sense where the
+case is the other way round. A wife can always get a separation order
+to relieve her of the presence of a persistently drunken husband; and,
+with it, an order for her maintenance, which he must obey or go to
+prison.'
+
+So I did not get very much for my six-and-eightpence, beyond an
+explicit confirmation of the impression already pretty firmly rooted
+in my mind, that the most burdensome portion of my particular load in
+life was something which nobody could help me to carry.
+
+By this time Fanny had lost the sense of shame and humiliation which
+had characterised all her early recoveries, and informed all her good
+resolutions and frantic promises of amendment. She made no resolutions
+now, and in place of shame, poor soul, was conscious only of the
+physical penalties which her excesses brought in their train. These
+made her very sullen, and, at the same time, very irritable. There
+were times, as I well knew, when she had no other means of obtaining
+drink, but yet did obtain it, from that misguided woman--her mother,
+whose craving she inherited, without a tithe of the brute strength
+which apparently enabled the older woman to defy all consequences.
+
+I do not think it necessary to set down here precisely the miserable
+ways in which I saw her habits gradually sap all self-restraint and
+womanly decency from my wife. The process was gradual, pitilessly
+inexorable as the growth of a malignant tumour, and a ghastly and
+humiliating thing to witness. In the case of a woman, my impression is
+that alcoholism reacts even more directly upon character, and the
+mental and nervous system, than it does in men. Their fall is more
+complete. At least, for a man it is more horrible to witness than any
+degradation of another man.
+
+
+XIV
+
+
+In these days it was my habit each evening to make  my way as directly
+as might be from the _Advocate_ office to our home of the moment.
+There was, of course, always a certain measure of uncertainty in my
+mind as to what might await me in our rooms; and there were many
+occasions when my presence there as early as possible was highly
+desirable. It was my dismal task upon more than two or three occasions
+to visit police stations, and enter into bail to save my wife from
+spending a night in the cells.
+
+Naturally, in view of all these circumstances, I remained as much a
+hermit as though living in Livorno Bay, so far as the social life of
+my colleagues and of London generally was concerned. During all this
+time social intercourse was for me confined to Fanny (who became
+steadily less social in her habits and inclinations) and to occasional
+meetings with Sidney Heron. Once and again a man at the office would
+ask me to dine with him (regarding me as a bachelor, of course), and
+always I felt bound to plead a prior engagement. One night, when Fanny
+had gone early to bed, feeling wretchedly ill, and sullenly angry
+because I would have no liquor of any sort on the premises, not even
+the lager beer which it had been my own habit for some time past to
+drink with meals, Heron sat with me in our living-room, smoking and
+staring into the fire. It was late, and something had moved Heron to
+stir me into giving him the outline of my early life and Australian
+experiences.
+
+'Yes, you're a queer bird,' he opined, after a long silence. 'And your
+life confirms my old conviction that, broadly speaking, there are only
+two kinds of human beings: those who prey--with an "e," and rarely
+with an "a"--and those who are preyed upon: parasites and their hosts.
+There are doubtless subdivisions in infinite variety; but I have yet
+to meet the man or woman who, in essence, is not parasite or host, the
+preyer or the preyed upon.'
+
+'And I----'
+
+'Oh, clearly, and all along the line, you're the host. Mind, I waste
+no great sympathy upon you. It is quite an open point which class is
+the less deserving or the better off. But in your case it is, perhaps,
+rather a pity, because upon the whole I doubt if your fibre is tough
+enough to sustain the part. On the other hand, you haven't half
+enough--well--suction for a successful parasite; and those between are
+apt to get ground up rather small. My advice to you-- But, Lord, is
+there any greater folly in all this foolish world than the giving of
+advice?'
+
+'Never mind. Let's have it.'
+
+'No, I'll not give advice. But I will state what I believe to be a
+fact; and that is that you would be the better for it if you were
+sedulously to cultivate a self-regarding policy of _laissez-faire_. It
+may be as rotten as you please as a national policy. Our own beloved
+countrymen are even now, I think, preparing for the world a most
+convincing demonstration of that. But for certain individuals--you
+among 'em--it has many points, and, pursued with discretion, is likely
+to prove highly beneficial.'
+
+'Ah! The let-be policy?'
+
+Heron nodded. 'Of all creeds,' he said, 'perhaps the one that calls
+for the most rigid self-control--for a certain type of man, the type
+that most needs its use.'
+
+I had lowered my voice involuntarily, though I knew that Fanny had
+long since been sleeping heavily. 'Do you realise what it would mean
+in my particular case, on the domestic side?' I asked.
+
+'Well, yes; I think so.'
+
+'Hardly, my friend. It would mean relinquishing the care of my wife to
+the police.' There were no secrets between us in this matter.
+
+'Yes, something rather like that, I suppose,' said Heron. 'And don't
+you think upon the whole they may be rather better equipped for the
+task?'
+
+'My dear Heron!'
+
+'Oh, of course, that tone's unanswerable. But lay aside the
+sentimental aspect, and consider the practical logic of it. You might
+as well see where you really stand, you know. It won't affect your
+actions, really. You belong to the wrong division of the race. But
+what are you doing to remedy your wife's case?'
+
+I admitted I was doing nothing. I had tried in many directions,
+including the clandestine administration of costly specifics, which
+had merely seemed to rob poor Fanny of all appetite for food, without
+in any way affecting the lamentable craving which wrecked her life.
+
+'Precisely,' resumed Heron. 'You are doing nothing to remedy it,
+because there is nothing you are in a position to do. You are merely
+"standing by," as sailors say, from sentimental motives. It is
+_laissez-faire_, of a sort; only, it's an infernally painful and
+wearing sort for you. It reduces your life to something like her own,
+without, so far as I can see, benefiting her in the least. I think the
+police could do as well. In fact, in your place, I should clear out
+altogether, and give Mrs. Pelly a show. But, failing that, I would at
+least wash my hands, so to say. I would refuse the situation any
+predominant place in my mind, join a club and use it, and-- O Lord!
+what is the use of talking of absolutely hopeless things? I don't know
+that I'd do anything of the sort, and I do know very well that you
+won't.'
+
+There fell another silence between us, which lasted several minutes.
+And then Heron rose to his feet, knocked the ashes out of his pipe,
+and said he must be going. I walked down the road with him, and paused
+at its corner, where he would pick up an omnibus. The moon emerged
+from behind a cloud, touching with a delicate sepia some fleecy edge
+of cumuli.
+
+'Has it ever occurred to you, my innocent, that there is anything in
+England beyond the metropolitan radius?' asked Heron suddenly.
+'Honest, now; have you ever been ten miles from Charing Cross since
+you landed from that blessed ship?'
+
+'Well, it does seem queer, now you mention it; but I don't believe I
+have-- Except to Epping Forest, you know. I'm not sure how far that
+is; but I used often to go there at one time, not lately, but----'
+
+'Before you mortgaged your soul to the _Advocate_, eh? Though I
+suppose the more serious mortgage was the one before that. Look here!
+Bring your wife on Saturday, and meet me at Victoria at ten o'clock.
+We'll go and have a look at Leith Hill. A tramp will do you both good.
+Will you come?'
+
+By doing a certain amount of work there on Sunday, I could always
+absent myself from office on a Saturday. So I agreed to go. On the
+Friday Fanny seemed unusually calm and well. I was quite excited over
+the prospect of our little jaunt, and Fanny herself appeared to think
+cheerfully and kindly of it. In the lodging we occupied at that time I
+had a tiny bedroom of my own. I woke very early on the Saturday
+morning, but when I found it was barely five o'clock turned over for
+another doze. When next I woke it was to find, greatly to my
+annoyance, that the hour was half-past eight; and there were several
+little things I wanted to have done before starting for Victoria. I
+hurried into our sitting-room before dressing, meaning to rouse Fanny,
+whose room opened from it. But she was not in her bedroom, and
+returning to the other room I found a note on the table.
+
+'I am not feeling well,' the note said, 'and cannot come with you to-day.
+So I shall spend the day with mother, and be back here about tea-time.'
+
+For a moment I thought of hurrying round to Mrs. Pelly's, and seeing
+if I could prevail on Fanny to change her mind. But I hated going to
+that house, and, of late, I had had some experience of the futility of
+trying to influence Fanny in any way during these sullen morning
+hours, when she was very often possessed by a sort of lethargy, any
+interference with which provoked only excessive irritation.
+
+It was most disappointing. But-- 'Very well, then,' I muttered to
+myself, 'she must stay with her mother. I can't leave Heron waiting at
+Victoria.'
+
+So I dressed and proceeded direct to the station, relying upon having
+a few minutes to spare there during which to break my fast in the
+refreshment-room.
+
+Heron nodded rather grimly over my explanation of Fanny's absence, and
+we were both pretty silent during the journey to Dorking. But once out
+in the open, and tramping along a country road, we breathed deeper of
+an air clean enough to dispel town-bred languors. I felt my spirits
+rise, and we began to talk. The day was admirable, beginning with
+light mists, and ripening, by the time we began our tramp, into that
+mellow splendour which October does at times vouchsafe, especially in
+the gloriously wooded country which lies about Leith Hill.
+
+The foliage, the occasional scent of burning wood--always a talisman
+for one who has slept in the open--glimpses of new-fallowed fields of
+an exquisite rose-madder hue, bracken and heather underfoot, and
+overhead blue sky sweetly diversified by snowy piles of cloud--these
+and a thousand other natural delights combined to enlarge one's heart,
+ease one's mind, and arouse one's dormant instinct to live, to laugh,
+and to enjoy. Worries rolled back from me. I responded jovially to
+Heron's grim quips, and felt more heartily alive than I had felt for
+years.
+
+Having walked swingingly for four or five hours we sat down in a
+pleasant inn to a nondescript meal, at something like the
+eighteenth-century dining hour; consuming large quantities of cold boiled
+beef, salad, cheese, home-baked bread, and brown ale. (I had learned now
+to drink beer, on such occasions as this, at all events; and did it with
+a childish sense of holiday 'swagger.' Its associations with rural
+life pleased me. But in the town I was annoyed to find that even half
+a glass of it was apt to make my head ache villainously.) We sat and
+smoked, talking lazily in the twilight; missed one train, and walked
+leisurely to the next station to catch a later one.
+
+The approach to London rather chilled and saddened me by the sharp
+demand it seemed to make for the laying aside of calm reflection or
+cheerful conversation, and the taking up of stern realities, practical
+considerations--the hard, concrete facts of daily life. The outlines
+of the huddled houses, the moving lights of thronged streets, the
+Town-- It seemed to grip me by the shoulder.
+
+'Come! Wake up from your fancies. Been laughing, joking, chatting,
+drawing deep breaths, have you? Ah, well, here am I. You know me. Hear
+the ring of the hurrying horses' feet on my hard ways? See the anxious
+ferret faces of my workers? I am Reality. I am your master, and the
+world's master. You may escape me for a day, and dream you are a free
+man in the open. Grrrr!--' The train jars to a standstill. 'That may
+be well enough for a dream; but I am Reality. Come! There's no time
+here for reflection. Pick up your load. Get on; get on; or I'll smash
+you down in my gutters, where my human wastage lies!'
+
+That is how cities have always spoken to me as I have entered them
+from the country. And yet--and yet, most of my life has been spent
+within their confines. Long imprisonment makes men fear liberty, they
+say. But how could a man fear the kindly country and its liberty for
+reflection? And, attaining to it, how could he possibly desire return
+to the noisy, crowded cells of the city? Impossible, surely, unless of
+course the city offered him a living, his life; and the country--calm
+and beautiful--refused it. And that perhaps is rather often the
+position, for your sedentary man, at all events; your modern, who
+cannot dig and is ashamed to beg--a numerous and ever increasing body.
+
+Big Ben struck the hour of eight as we trundled past into Whitehall on
+the top of an omnibus. I thought of Fanny with some self-reproach. She
+would have reached the lodgings by about five, and our evening meal
+hour was seven. I hoped she had not waited without her meal. I left
+Heron on the 'bus, for he had farther than I to go, and hurried along
+to No. 46 Kent Street--the dingy house in which we had been living now
+for a month or more.
+
+Fanny was not there, and, to my surprise, the landlady told me she had
+not been in all day, save for five minutes in the early afternoon,
+after which she went out carrying a parcel. I went to my bedroom for
+an overcoat, as the night was chilly. I possessed two of these
+garments at the time--one rather heavy and warm, the other a light
+coat. Both were missing from their accustomed pegs.
+
+'Tcha! Now what does this mean?' I growled to myself; knowing quite
+well what it meant. 'And I take holidays in the country! I might have
+known better.'
+
+And with that--all the brightness of the day forgotten now--I hurried
+out, bound for Howard Street and Mrs. Pelly's house.
+
+But Mrs. Pelly had no idea as to her daughter's whereabouts. It seemed
+Fanny had left her before three o'clock, intending to go home.
+
+Then began a search of the kind which had become only too familiar
+with me of late. I suppose I must have entered upon scores of such
+dismal quests since my marriage. First, I visited some twenty or
+thirty different 'gin-mills.' (In one of them I stayed a few minutes
+to eat a piece of bread and cheese.) Then I went to two police
+stations, at the two opposite ends of that locality. Finally, I
+tramped back to Kent Street, thinking to find Fanny there, and
+picturing in advance the condition in which I should find her. The
+most I ventured to hope was that she had been able to reach her room
+without assistance. But she had not been there at all.
+
+I went out again into the street, somewhat at a loss. It was now past
+ten o'clock. After some hesitation I caught a passing omnibus and
+journeyed back towards Howard Street, near which stood a third police
+station, which I had not before visited.
+
+'Wait there a minute, will you?' said the officer to whom my inquiry
+here was addressed. A moment later I heard his voice from an adjacent
+corridor; 'Has the doctor gone?' it asked. I did not hear the answer.
+But a minute or two later a tall man in a frock coat entered the room
+and walked up to me. I could see the top of a stethoscope protruding
+from one of his inner breast-coat pockets.
+
+'Name of Freydon?' he said tersely.
+
+'Yes.'
+
+'Ah! Will you step this way, please, to my room?'
+
+And, as we passed into an inner room, he wheeled upon me with a look
+of grave sympathy in his eyes. 'I have serious news for you, Mr.
+Freydon; if--if it is your wife who is here.'
+
+Then I knew. Something in the doctor's grave eyes and meaning voice
+told me. It was not really necessary for me to ask. I knew quite
+certainly, and had no wish, no intention to say anything. My
+subconscious self apparently was bent upon explicitness. For, next
+moment, I heard my own voice, some little distance from me, saying, in
+quite a low tone:
+
+'My God! My God! My God!' And then: 'You don't mean that she is dead?'
+
+But I knew all the time.
+
+Then I heard the doctor speaking. His body was close to me, but his
+voice, like my own, came from some distance away.
+
+'A woman was brought here by a constable this afternoon ...
+helpless ... intoxication.... Did your wife ... is she addicted to
+drink?' I may have nodded. 'There was a pawnticket in the name of
+Freydon.... She passed away less than an hour ago.... The condition ...
+heart undoubtedly accelerated ... alcoholism ... a very short time, in
+any case.... Medically, an inquest would be quite unnecessary, but....
+Will you come with me, and ...'
+
+From a long way off now these phrases trickled into my consciousness,
+the sense of them somewhat blurred and interrupted by a continuous
+buzzing noise in my head. We walked along dead white passages, and
+down steps. We stopped at length where a man in uniform stood at a
+door, which he opened for us at a sign from the doctor. Inside, a
+woman was bending over a low pallet, and on the little bed was my wife
+Fanny. A greyish sheet was drawn over her body to the chin. I think it
+was so drawn up as we entered the room. I stared down upon Fanny's
+calm, white face, in which there was now a refinement, a pathetic
+dignity, a something delicate and womanly which I had not seen there
+before; not even in the early days, when gentle prettiness had been
+its quality.
+
+The thought that flashed through my mind as I stood there was not the
+sort of thought that would be associated with such a scene. The
+buzzing noise was still going on in my head, but yet I was conscious
+of a vast silence all about me; and looking down upon my wife's face,
+I thought:
+
+'Death has certainly been courteous, considerate, to poor Fanny.'
+
+
+
+
+MANHOOD--ENGLAND: SECOND PERIOD
+
+
+I
+
+
+My wife was buried in Kensal Green cemetery, a populous London city of
+the dead. And that afternoon I resigned my position on the staff of
+the _Advocate_.
+
+I do not think that even at the time I had any definite reason for
+this step, and I do not know of any now. I remember Arncliffe
+remonstrated very kindly with me, spoke of plans he had in view for
+me, about which he was unable to enter into detail just then, and
+strongly urged me to reconsider the matter. I told him, without much
+relevance really, that I had buried my wife that morning; and he, very
+naturally, said he had not even known I was a married man.
+
+'Look here, Freydon,' he said; 'be guided by me. Take a month's
+holiday, and then come and talk to me again.'
+
+This was no doubt both wise and kindly advice, but I merely repeated
+that I must leave; and, within a week or two, I did leave, Arncliffe,
+in the most friendly way, making things easy for me, and agreeing to
+take a certain contribution from me once a week. This gave me three
+guineas a week, and I was grateful for the arrangement.
+
+'You must let me see something of you occasionally. I'm really sorry
+to lose you. You know I've always appreciated your suggestions,' said
+Arncliffe, when I looked in to bid him good-bye. He spoke with a
+friendly sincerity which I valued; because it was a fact that he had,
+as editor, adopted and developed a good many suggestions of mine,
+without apparent acknowledgment, and after keeping them in his
+pigeon-holes until, as I thought, he had forgotten their existence, and
+come to think the ideas subsequently acted upon were his own.
+
+With funds in hand amounting to something well under twenty pounds, I
+took lodgings on the outskirts of Dorking--a bedroom and a sitting-room
+in the rather pretty cottage of a jobbing carpenter and joiner
+named Gilchrist. Mrs. Gilchrist, a wholesome, capable woman, performed
+some humble duties in the church close by, in which she made use of a
+very long-handled feather duster, and sundry cloths of a blue and
+white checked pattern. Her husband had a small workshop in the cottage
+garden, but his work more often than not took him away from home
+during the day. Jasmine and a crimson rambler strayed about the window
+of my little study, from which the view of the surrounding hills was
+delightful. For some days I explored the neighbourhood assiduously.
+And then I began to write my fourth book. The third--a volume of short
+stories of mean streets, written in the days preceding my marriage--was
+then passing through the press.
+
+When I first went to Dorking my health was in a very poor way. I
+imagine I must at the time have been on the verge of a pretty bad
+breakdown. The preceding six or eight months had greatly aggravated my
+digestive troubles, and I had also suffered a good deal from
+neuralgia. The constantly increasing stress of my domestic affairs,
+superimposed upon steady sedentary work in which the quest for new
+ideas was a continuous preoccupation, and combined with the effects of
+an irregular and indifferent dietary and lack of air and exercise, had
+reduced me physically to a low ebb.
+
+During those last weeks in London, after Fanny's death, I was not
+conscious of this collapse; and my first week in Dorking had a
+curiously stimulating effect upon me. Indeed, I fancy that week was
+the saving of me. But at the end of it, after one long day's writing,
+I took to my bed with influenza, and remained there for some time,
+dallying also with bronchitis, incipient pneumonia, gastritis, and a
+diphtheritic throat.
+
+Six weeks passed before I left my bedroom, but during only one of
+those weeks did I fail to produce my weekly contribution to the
+_Advocate_. If the quality of those contributions in any way reflected
+my low and febrile condition, Arncliffe mercifully refrained from
+drawing my attention to it. At the end of the six weeks I sat at an
+open window, amused by the ghostly refinement of my hands, and
+grateful to Providence for sunshine and clean air.
+
+The doctor was a cheery soul, toward whom I felt most strongly drawn,
+because he was the only man I ever met in England who smoked my
+particular brand of Virginia plug tobacco. I had suffered from the
+lack of it since leaving Australia, but this good doctor told me how
+to get it in England, from an agent in Yorkshire; and I was deeply
+grateful to him for the information. He also told me, as I sat at the
+open window, that he did not think much of my stewardship of my own
+body.
+
+'Let me tell you, Mr. Freydon, you have been sailing several points
+closer to the wind than a man has any right to sail. If you treated a
+child so, or a servant, aye, or a dumb beast, some preventive society
+would be at you for cruelty and neglect. They'd call me for the
+prosecution, and by gad, sir, my evidence would send you to Portland
+or Dartmoor--fine healthy places, both of 'em, by the way! But people
+seem to think they're licensed to treat their own bodies with any
+amount of cruelty and neglect. A grave mistake; a grave mistake! In
+the ideal state, sir, Citizen Jones will no more be allowed to
+maltreat and injure the health of Citizen Jones than he will be
+allowed to break the head or poison the food of Citizen Smith. Why
+should he? Each is of the same value in the eyes of the state; and, we
+may suppose, in the eyes of his Maker.'
+
+The good man blew his nose, and endeavoured to introduce extreme
+severity into his kindly and indomitably cheerful expression.
+
+'Yes, sir,' he resumed. 'You've got to turn over a new leaf from now
+on. Three good, plain meals a day, taken to the stroke of the clock.
+Eight hours in bed every night of your life, and nine if you can get
+'em. Two hours of walkin', or other equally good exercise--if you can
+discover its equal; I can't--in the open air every day. And anything
+less will be a flat dereliction of duty, and bad citizenship, remember
+that. This is for by and by, of course. Just now you want twelve hours
+in bed, and half a dozen light meals a day. Mrs. Gilchrist knows all
+about that. Good, sensible woman, Mrs. Gilchrist. Wish there were more
+like her, these days. Oh, I'll be seeing you again, from time to time.
+Don't you bother your head about "accounts," my dear sir. And when you
+begin to get about now do oblige me by remembering your duty to
+yourself, as I've told you. As your doctor, I warn you, it's necessary
+in your case--absolutely necessary. _Good_-morning!'
+
+And so he trotted off to his high dog-cart and his morning rounds. An
+excellent and kindly man, designed by Nature, his own temperament, and
+long use, for the precise part in life he played. Such adequacy and
+fitness are rare, and very admirable. I sometimes think that if I
+could have exactly obeyed this excellent physician, my whole life had
+been quite different. But then, to be able exactly to obey him,
+perhaps it would have been necessary for me to have been a different
+person in the beginning. And then, I might never have met him,
+and--there's the end of a profitless speculation.
+
+As a fact I surreptitiously resumed work on that book long before the
+doctor gave permission, and within a week of settling his account I
+was once more living a life of which he would have strongly
+disapproved; though it certainly was a very much less wearing and
+unwholesome one than the life I had always lived in London. But, as
+against that, I now had a good deal less in the way of staying power
+and force of resistance. So far from having paid up in full, and wiped
+off all old scores, in the matter of those first years in London, I
+had barely discharged the first instalment of a penalty which was to
+prove part and parcel of every subsequent year in my life. And yet, as
+I have said, I sometimes think that doctor gave me my chance, if only
+it had been in me to live by his instructions. But, apparently, it was
+not.
+
+
+II
+
+
+Sidney Heron, the man who had introduced me to the country round about
+Leith Hill, was the first visitor received in my Dorking lodging. He
+came one Saturday morning when I had resumed work (though the doctor
+knew it not), and returned to town on the Sunday night.
+
+I think Heron enjoyed his visit, though, out of consideration for my
+lack of condition, he walked less than he would have chosen. It was a
+real pleasure to me to have him there; and, in the retrospect, I can
+clearly see that I was powerfully stimulated by talk with him on
+literary subjects. So much was this so, that on the Saturday night
+when I lay down in bed I found my brain in a ferment of activity. I
+read for half an hour; but even then, after blowing out my candle, the
+plots of new books, ideas for future work, literary schemes of every
+sort and kind, all promising quite remarkable success, were spinning
+through my mind in most exhilarating fashion. The morning found me
+somewhat weary, though not unpleasantly so; and consideration of all
+this made me realise, as I had not realised before, the isolation and
+retirement of my life there in Dorking; the very marked change it
+represented from the busy routine of days spent in the _Advocate_
+office. I prized my retirement more than ever after this.
+
+'For,' I thought, 'of what use or purport was all that ceaseless
+mental stress and fret in London? It was all quite barren and
+fruitless, really. Whereas, here--one can develop thoughts here. This
+life makes creative work possible.'
+
+I am afraid I gave no credit to Heron, or to the stimulating effects
+upon my own mind of contact with his bracing, if somewhat harsh,
+intelligence. All was attributed by me at the time to the advantages
+of my sequestered life. The effect of mental stimulus was not by any
+means so evanescent as such things often are, and the Monday following
+upon Heron's return to town saw me hard at work upon the book which I
+had outlined and begun before my illness.
+
+There followed, in that modest little cottage room of mine, some three
+or four months of incessant work at high pressure; long days, and
+nights, too, at the table, during which my only exercise and
+relaxation in a week would be an occasional five minutes' walk to the
+post-office, or a stroll after midnight, when I found the cool night
+silence soothed me greatly before going to my bedroom. The doctor's
+counsels were all forgotten, of course, or remembered only in odd
+moments, as when going to bed, or shaving in the morning. Then I would
+promise myself reformation when the book was finished. That done I
+would live by rote and acquire bucolic health, I told myself.
+
+In most respects that period was thoroughly typical of my life during
+the next half dozen years. When the end of a book was reached, there
+came the long and wearing process of its revision. Then interviews
+with publishers, the correction of proof sheets, the excogitation of
+writings for magazines--fuel for the fire that kept my pot a-boiling.
+There were intervals of acute mental weariness, and there were
+intervals of acute bodily distress. But the intervals of reformed
+living, when they came at all, were too brief and spasmodic to make a
+stronger or a healthier man of me. My business visits to London were
+sometimes made to embrace friendly visits to Sidney Heron's lodgings.
+Two or three times I dined with Arncliffe, and very occasionally I was
+visited at Dorking by two of the literary journalists who had joined
+Arncliffe's staff at the time of his appointment.
+
+With but very few exceptions the critics were very kindly to my
+published work, and I apprehend that other writers who read their
+reviews of my books must have thought of me as one of the coming men.
+(The early nineties was a prolific period in the matter of 'coming
+men.') I even indulged that thought myself for a time. But not, I
+think, for very long. Like every other writer who ever lived, I would
+have liked to reach a large and appreciative audience. But I had the
+most lofty scorn for the methods by which I supposed such an
+achievement might be accomplished.
+
+For a long time I sincerely believed that it was not from any lack of
+substance, style, merit, or quality that my books failed to reach a
+really large public; but, rather, that they were without a certain
+vulgarity which would commend them to the multitude. If not precisely
+that they were too good, I doubtless thought that, whilst good in
+every literary sense, they happened to be couched in a vein only to be
+appreciated by the subtler minds of the minority. The critics
+certainly helped me to sustain this congenial theory; and it was not
+until long afterwards that I accepted (with more, perhaps, of sadness
+or sourness than philosophy) the conclusion that if my work never had
+appealed to a big audience, the simple reason was that it was not big
+enough to reach so far. It was perhaps, within the limits of literary
+judgment, to some extent praiseworthy. And it won praise. I should
+have been content.
+
+I certainly was not content, and I dare say the life I led was too far
+removed from the normal, both socially and from a health standpoint,
+to permit of content for me, quite apart from any question of personal
+temperament or idiosyncrasy. I worked and I slept, and that was all.
+That is probably not enough for the purchase of healthy content; at
+all events, where the work is sedentary and productive of strain upon
+the mind, nerves, and emotions.
+
+As society is constituted in England to-day, a man of my sort may be
+almost as completely isolated, socially, in a place like Dorking as he
+would expect to be in the middle of the Sahara. The labouring sort of
+folk, the trades-people, and the landowners and county families, each
+form compact social microcosms. The latter class, in normal
+circumstances, remains not so much indifferent to as unaware of the
+existence of such people as myself, as bachelors in country-town
+lodgings. The other two compact little worlds had nothing to offer me
+socially. And so, socially, I had no existence at all.
+
+The same holds good, to a great extent, of my sort of person
+practically anywhere to-day. (The latter part of the nineteenth
+century produced a quite large number of people who belonged to no
+recognised class or order in our social cosmos.) But it is most
+noticeable in the case of such a man living in a country town. In
+London, or Paris, or New York, there is no longer any question of a
+man being in or out of society, since there is no longer any compact
+division of the community which forms society. Rather, the community
+divides itself into hundreds of circles, most of which meet others at
+some point of their circumference.
+
+My doctor in Dorking was a bachelor. I did not attend any church.
+There literally was no person in that district with whom I held any
+social intercourse whatever. And then, by chance, and in a single day,
+I became acquainted with many of the socially superior sort of people
+in my neighbourhood.
+
+Arncliffe's chief leader writer on the _Advocate_ staff was a man
+called Ernest Lane, who, after winning considerable distinction at
+Oxford, falsified cynical anticipations by winning a good deal more
+distinction in the world outside the university. It was known that he
+had been invited to submit himself to the electors of a constituency
+in one of the Home counties, and his work while secretary to a
+prominent statesman had earned him a high reputation in political
+circles. His book on greater British legislation and administration
+added greatly to this reputation, and his friends were rather
+surprised when Lane showed that he intended to stick to the writer's
+life rather than enter parliament, or accept any political
+appointment. Without having become very intimate, Lane and myself had
+been distinctly upon good and friendly terms during my time in the
+_Advocate_ office, and he had visited me three or four times in my
+retreat in Dorking. Lane thought well of my work, and he was the only
+man I knew whose political conversation and views had interested me.
+It was not without some pleasure, therefore, that I read a letter
+received from him in which he said he was coming to see me.
+
+'It appears to be a case of Mohammed coming to the mountain,' this
+letter said; 'and, if you will put me up, I should like to spend
+Saturday and Sunday nights at your place. I think you will receive an
+invitation to Sir George and Lady Barthrop's garden-party on Saturday
+next, and if so I hope you will accept, and go there with me. The fact
+is, one of my sisters is about to marry Arnold Barthrop, the younger
+of the three sons, and the whole tribe of us are supposed to be there
+this week-end. I am not keen on these big house-parties, and would far
+sooner have the opportunity of seeing something of you if you would
+care to have me; but I have promised to attend the garden-party, and
+to bring you if I can. Some of the Barthrop's Dorking friends are
+rather interesting people, so it will be just as well for you, my dear
+hermit, to make their acquaintance.'
+
+Of course, I wrote to Lane to the effect that he would be very
+welcome, which was perfectly true; but I was somewhat exercised in my
+mind regarding Lady Barthrop's garden-party, although, when her card
+of invitation reached me, I replied at once with a formal acceptance.
+Sir George Barthrop's house, Deene Place, was quite one of the show
+places of the district, and the baronet and his lady were very
+prominent people indeed in that part of the county.
+
+Every time my eye fell upon the invitation card, I was conscious of a
+sense of irritation and disturbance. What had I to do with
+garden-parties? The idea of my attending such a function was absurd. I
+should have nothing whatever in common with the people there, nor they
+with me. Either I should never again meet one of them, or their
+acquaintance would be an irritation and a nuisance to me, robbing me
+of my treasured sense of complete independence in that countryside.
+Finally, I decided that I would have a headache when the time came,
+and get Lane to make my excuses-- 'Not that the hostess, or any one
+else there, would know or care anything about my absence or presence,'
+I thought.
+
+But my unsocial intention was airily swept aside by Ernest Lane. I did
+accompany him to Deene Place, and in due course was presented by him
+to Sir George and Lady Barthrop. No sooner had we left the host and
+hostess to make way for other guests than Lane touched my elbow.
+
+'Here's the first of the five Graces,' he whispered, nodding towards a
+lady who was walking down the terrace in our direction. I remembered
+that my friend had five sisters, and a moment later I was being
+introduced to this particular member of the sisterhood, whose name, as
+I gathered, was Cynthia. As Lane moved away from us just then, to
+speak to some one else, I asked my companion if she had been going to
+any particular place when we met her. She smiled as we walked slowly
+down the terrace steps to the lawn.
+
+'I am afraid my only object just then was the ungracious one of evading
+Sir George and Lady Barthrop,' she said. 'Theirs is such a dreadfully
+busy neighbourhood. I think being solemnly introduced to a stream of
+people is rather a terrible ordeal, don't you?'
+
+'The experience would at least have the advantage of novelty for me,'
+I told her. 'But, upon the whole, I fancy I should perhaps prefer a
+visit to the dentist.'
+
+'Really!' she laughed. 'Now I didn't know men ever felt like that.
+It's exactly how I feel about it. It really is worse than dentistry,
+you know, because you are not allowed gas.'
+
+'At least, not laughing gas, but only gaseous laughter and small
+talk,' I suggested.
+
+'Which makes you all hazy and muddled without the compensating boon of
+unconsciousness. But you are an author and a journalist, Mr. Freydon--my
+brother often speaks of you, you know--and so you must have had
+lots of experience of this sort of thing; enough to have made you as
+hardened as royalty, I should think. I always think of authors and
+journalists as living very much in the limelight.'
+
+I explained that some might, but that I had spent several years in
+Dorking without, until that day, attending a single social function of
+any kind. This seemed to interest her greatly, once I had overcome her
+initial incredulity on the point. Then I had to answer questions about
+my way of living, and one or two, of a discreet and gently curious
+kind, about my methods of working, and the like. There was flattery of
+the most delightful kind in the one or two casual references she made
+to characters in books of mine. Miss Lane never said: 'I have read
+your books,' or, 'I have been interested by your books,' statements
+which always produce an awkward pause, and are not interesting in
+themselves. But she showed in a much more pleasing way that one's work
+had entered into her life, and been welcomed by her.
+
+Quite apart from this, I do not think I could possibly have spent a
+quarter of an hour with Cynthia Lane without concluding that she was
+the most charming woman I had ever met. 'Charming woman,' I say.
+Heavens! How extraordinarily inadequate these threadbare words do
+look, as I write them, recalling the image of Cynthia Lane as she
+paced with me across that smooth-shaven lawn--green velvet it seemed,
+deeply shaded here and there by noble copper beeches.
+
+I suppose Cynthia was beautiful, even judged by technical standards;
+for her figure was lissom and very shapely, and the contour of her
+sweet face perfect--so far, at least, as I am any judge of such
+matters. Her eyes and her hair had a rare loveliness which I have not
+seen equalled. But it was the soul of her, the indefinable essence
+that was Cynthia Lane, which made her truly lovely. This personality
+of hers, at once tender and adroit, bright and grave, humorous and
+most sweetly gentle, most admirably kind, shone out upon one from her
+face, from her very movements and gestures even, giving to her outward
+person a soft radiance which I cannot attempt to describe. This nimbus
+of delicate sweetness, this irradiation of her person by her
+personality it was, which made Cynthia Lane lovely, as no other woman
+I have met has been.
+
+I must have stolen fully half an hour of her time that day, to the
+annoyance it may be of many other people. And it was not until she was
+being in a sense almost forcibly drawn away from me by the claims of
+others that I learned, from the manner in which she was addressed by
+Lady Barthrop, that she, Cynthia Lane, of whom I had thought only as
+one of Lane's five sisters, as one among my own fellow guests, was
+indeed the guest of the occasion, and the betrothed of Lady Barthrop's
+younger son.
+
+Other things happened, no doubt. I was presently introduced to young
+Barthrop, the bridegroom to be; and, mechanically, I endeavoured to
+comport myself fittingly as a guest. But, for me, the entertainment
+ended with my separation from Cynthia.
+
+'Do please stop being a recluse, and call while I am here,' she had
+said as she was being drawn away from me into a sort of maelstrom of
+gaily coloured dresses, and laughing, compliment-paying men. And I
+blessed her for that.
+
+
+III
+
+
+Charles Augustus Everard Barthrop, third son of the baronet and his
+wife, was the assistant manager of some financial company in London,
+of which his father was a director. I fancy the young man himself was
+also a director, but am not sure as to that. In any case he had the
+reputation of being one who was likely to achieve big things in the
+world of finance and company promotion, a world of which I was as
+profoundly ignorant as though a dweller in the planet Mars. In another
+field, too, this young man had won early distinction. He was a mighty
+footballer, and a rather notable boxer. He was very blonde, very
+handsome, very large, and, I gathered, of a very merry and kindly
+disposition. He looked it. His sunny face and bright blue eyes
+contained no more evidence of care or anxiety than one sees in the
+face of a healthy boy of twelve.
+
+'Here is a man,' I thought, 'peculiarly rich in everything that I
+lack; and all his life long he has been equally rich in his possession
+of everything I have lacked. And now he is going to marry Cynthia
+Lane. The rest seems natural enough, but not this.'
+
+As yet I had little enough of evidence on which to base conclusions.
+But, as I saw it, Charles Barthrop was a handsome and materially
+well-endowed young animal, whose work was company-promoting, and whose
+diversions hardly took him beyond football and the Gaiety Theatre. I
+dare say it was partly because he was so refulgently well-dressed that
+I assumed him devoid of intellect. As a fact, my assumption was not
+very wide of the mark.
+
+'And Cynthia,' I thought, 'has a mind and a soul. She _is_ mind and
+soul encased, as it happens, in a beautiful body. She is no more a
+mate for him than a great poet would be mate for a handsome fishwife;
+an Elizabeth Barrett Browning for a champion pugilist.'
+
+It was natural that, during that Saturday evening and the following
+day, conversation between Lane and myself should turn more than once
+towards his sister Cynthia and her forthcoming marriage, which, I
+understood, was to take place within a few weeks at St. Margaret's,
+Westminster. We had become fairly intimate of late, Lane and myself,
+and the introduction to various members of his family seemed to have
+made us much more intimate.
+
+'You have made no end of an impression on Miss Cynthia,' he said
+pleasantly on the Saturday evening. 'She was always the literary and
+artistic member of the sisterhood. She gave me special instructions to
+bring you along in time for some tea to-morrow, and she means to force
+you out of your hermitage while she is at Deene Place, so I warn you.
+Seriously, I think, it may be good for you. You will be sure to meet
+some decent people there, who will be worth knowing, not only just
+now, but when Cynthia is married and set up in Sloane Street. Barthrop
+has taken a house there, you know.'
+
+With a duplicity not very creditable to me, I pretended thoughtful
+agreement. A brother can tell one a good deal without putting his
+information into plain words. I gathered from our talk then, and on
+the following day, that the Lane family occupied the difficult
+position of people who have, as it were, been born to greater riches
+than they possess. Of them more had always been expected, socially,
+than their straitened means permitted. The pinch had been a very real
+one of late years, towards the end of the grand struggle which their
+parents had passed through in educating and launching a family of two
+sons and five daughters. It was easy to gather that good marriages
+were very necessary for those five daughters, of whom Cynthia was the
+first-born. I even gathered that, a year or two earlier, there had
+been scenes and grave anxiety over a preference which Cynthia had
+shown for a painter, poor as a church mouse, who, very considerately,
+had proceeded to die of a fever in Southern Italy. Mrs. Lane had, to a
+large extent, arranged the forthcoming marriage with Charles Barthrop,
+I think. In the interests of the whole family Cynthia had been
+'sensible'; she had been brought to see reason.
+
+'And, mind you,' said Lane, 'I do think Barthrop is an excellent chap,
+you know. Oh, yes; he's quite a cut above your average city man. And a
+kinder-hearted chap you never met. The pater swears by him.'
+
+I gathered that 'the pater' had been given the most useful information
+and guidance in financial matters by this Apollo of Throgmorton
+Street.
+
+'He's modest, too,' continued Lane, 'which is unusual in his type, I
+think. He told me his favourite reading was detective stories, outside
+the sporting and financial news, of course; but he has the greatest
+respect for Cynthia's literary tastes-- You know she has published
+some verse? Yes. Not in book form, but in some of the better
+magazines. Oh, yes, Barthrop's a good chap: simple-minded, a shade
+gross, too, perhaps, in some ways. These chaps in the city do
+themselves too well, I think. But quite a good chap, and sure to make
+an excellent husband. I fancy his kind do, you know--no tension, no
+fret, no introspection.'
+
+Again I made signs of agreement which were not strictly honest.
+
+On Sunday afternoon we both drank our tea under the copper beeches at
+Deene Place. I deliberately monopolised Cynthia's attention as long as
+I possibly could, and then devoted myself to the cold-blooded study of
+the man she was to marry. I found him very good-natured, gifted with
+abundant high spirits, agreeably modest, and, as it seemed to me,
+intellectually about on a par with a race-horse or a handsome St.
+Bernard dog.
+
+'Cynthia tells me we are to bully you into coming out of your
+hermitage,' he said to me with a sunny smile. 'A good idea, too, you
+know. After all, being a recluse can't be good for one's health; and I
+suppose if a man isn't fit, it tells--er--even in literary work,
+doesn't it?'
+
+I felt towards him as one feels towards some bright, handsome
+schoolboy. And yet, in many ways, I doubt not he had more of wisdom
+than I had. I had spoken to Cynthia of Leith Hill, and she had said
+that, when staying at Deene Place, she walked almost every day either
+on the hill or the common. Upon that I had relinquished her attention
+with a fair grace.
+
+Of course, I was entirely unused to the amenities of society. I used
+no subterfuges, and made no attempt to disguise my interest in
+Cynthia, or to pretend to other interests. I dare say my directness
+was smiled upon, as part of the eccentricity of these literary people;
+one of Ernest's friends, quite a recluse, and so forth. I gathered as
+much a little later on.
+
+Looking back upon it I must suppose that my conduct during the next
+week or so would be condemned by most right-thinking people as
+ungentlemanly and even dishonourable. I have no inclination to defend
+it; and I could not affirm that, at the time, I loved honour more than
+Cynthia Lane. To speak the naked truth, I believe I would have
+committed forgery, if by doing so I could have won Cynthia for my
+wife. The one and only way in which I showed any discretion (and that,
+not from any moral scruple, but purely as a matter of tactics) was in
+withholding any open declaration to Cynthia herself.
+
+My feeling was that my chance of a life's happiness was confined to
+the cruelly short period of a week or two. There was no time for
+taking risks. There must be no refusals. I must use my time, every day
+of it, I thought, in the effort to win her heart; and trust to the
+very end to win her consent. I availed myself fully of my advantage in
+living in Dorking while my rival spent his days in London. The
+obstacles in my path were such as to justify me in grasping every
+possible advantage within reach, I told myself. Every day we met.
+Every day I walked and talked with Cynthia. Every day love possessed
+me more utterly. And, I believe I may say it, every day Cynthia drew
+nearer to me. No word did I breathe of marriage; that which was
+arranged, or that which I desired. It seemed to me that every
+available moment must be given to the moulding of her heart, to
+preparation for the last crucial test, when I should ask her to
+sacrifice everything, and cross the Channel and the Rubicon with me.
+
+There is no need for me to burke the words. Cynthia did love me when
+she left Dorking for her parents' house in London; not, perhaps, with
+the absorbing passion she had inspired in me; yet well enough, as I
+was assured, to face social disaster and a break with her family, in
+order that she might entrust her life to me.
+
+'Cynthia,' I said, at the end of that last walk, 'London is not to rob
+me of you? Promise me!'
+
+'If you call me, I will come,' she said, looking at me through tears,
+and well I knew that perfect truth shone in those dear eyes.
+
+Regarding this as the most serious undertaking of my life, I had
+endeavoured to overlook nothing. I had obtained a marriage licence. A
+London registrar's office was to serve our purpose. I had previously
+secured a temporary lodging in London, and now went there with my
+luggage. Love did not blind me to practical considerations. While
+Cynthia was still in Dorking I had no time to spare. Now that she was
+entangled in her own home among last preparations for the wedding that
+was not to be, I turned my attention to matters affecting her future
+life with me.
+
+Three afternoon appointments I kept with Arncliffe in the _Advocate_
+office. When I left him after our third talk, I was definitely re-engaged
+as a member of his staff, at a salary of six hundred pounds
+per annum, having promised to take up my duties with him in one month
+from that date. Every nerve in my body had been keyed to the
+attainment of this result, and I was grateful, and not a little
+flattered by its achievement. I was still a poor man; but this salary,
+with the few hundred pounds I might hope to add to it in a year, by
+means of independent literary work, would at all events mean that
+Cynthia need not face actual discomfort in her life with me. Further,
+I sincerely believed (and may very well have been correct in this)
+that her influence upon me would enlarge the scope and appeal of my
+literary work. I realised clearly that my beautiful lady-love had very
+much to give me. My life till then had not entirely lacked culture or
+intellectuality. But it emphatically had lacked that grace, that
+element of gentle fineness and delicacy which Cynthia would give it.
+
+Cynthia, who in giving me herself would give all that I desired which
+my life had lacked, should come to me empty-handed, I thought. I did
+not want her to borrow from out the life which for my sake she was
+relinquishing. On the day before that fixed upon for the wedding at
+St. Margaret's, she should come to me in the park, near her home.
+There would be quite another sort of wedding, and by the evening train
+we would leave for the Continent. Every detail was arranged for. We
+met on the afternoon of the preceding day. I put my whole fate to the
+test, and Cynthia never wavered. We arranged to meet at two o'clock
+next day.
+
+On the morning itself, just before noon, I hurried out from my lodging
+upon a final errand, intending to change my clothes and lock my bags,
+upon my return, within half an hour. My papers were in the pockets of
+the clothes I intended to wear, and a supply of money was left locked
+in my handbag. The most important moment of my life was at hand, and,
+as I walked down the crowded Strand into Fleet Street, I was conscious
+of such a measure of exaltation as I had never known before that day.
+
+And then, for the second time in my life, brute force intervened, and
+made utter havoc of all my plans and prospects. Crossing Fleet Street,
+close to Chancery Lane, the pole of an omnibus struck my shoulder and
+flung me several yards along the road. The driver of a hansom cab
+shouted aloud as he jerked his horse to its haunches to avoid running
+over me. And in that moment, pawing wildly, the horse struck the back
+of my head with one of his fore feet.
+
+For the second time in my life I lay in a hospital, suffering from
+concussion of the brain. Almost twelve hours passed before I first
+regained consciousness, and the morning of the following day was well
+advanced before I was able to inform the hospital authorities of my
+identity. No papers, nothing but a handful of silver, had been found
+in my pockets.
+
+At eleven o'clock that morning there was solemnised at St. Margaret's
+Church the marriage of Cynthia and Charles Barthrop.
+
+'If you call, I will come.'
+
+But I had not called. I had even left Cynthia to pace to and fro
+through an afternoon in the park; at that most critical juncture in
+both our lives I had failed her. In a brief letter, posted to an
+address given me by her brother, I acquainted Cynthia with the facts
+of my accident, and nothing more than the facts.
+
+In ten days I was out of the hospital; and Cynthia, another man's
+wife, was in Norway.
+
+
+IV
+
+
+I dare say no place would have looked very attractive to me when I
+came out from that hospital; but London and my lodging in it did seem
+past all bearing unattractive. The Dorking lodging had been definitely
+relinquished, and in any case I had no wish now to see Dorking, Leith
+Hill, or the common.
+
+Knowing practically nothing of my native land outside its capital, I
+packed a small bag at my lodging, and walked to the nearest large
+railway station, which happened to be Paddington. Arrived there, I
+spent some dull moments in staring at way-bills, and finally took a
+ticket at a venture for Salisbury. There I found a quiet lodging, and
+spent the evening in idly wandering about the cathedral close.
+
+The next day found me tramping over short turf--turf more ancient than
+the cathedral--in the neighbourhood of Stonehenge. And so I spent the
+better part of a fortnight, greatly to the benefit I dare say of my
+bodily health. I shall always love the tiny hamlets of that sun and
+wind-washed countryside, between Warminster, Andover, Stockbridge, and
+Salisbury. Yet always they will be associated in my mind with a bowing
+down sense of loneliness, of empty, unredeemed sadness, and of
+irretrievable loss. I cannot pretend that I experienced any sense of
+remorse or penitence, where my abortive attempt to win another man's
+bride was concerned. I had no such feeling. But, discreditable as that
+fact may be, it did not make the aching sorrow that possessed me any
+the less real.
+
+I was conscious of no remorse, and yet, God knows my state of mind was
+humble enough, though too sombre and despairing to be called resigned.
+I believe that in the retrospect my loss seemed more, a great deal
+more to me, than just a lover's loss; though upon that score alone I
+was smitten to the very dust. It was rather as though, at the one
+blow, I had lost my heart's desire and a fortune and a position in the
+world; or, at least, that these had been snatched from my grasp in the
+moment of becoming mine.
+
+I do not think I could ever explain this to any one else; since I
+suppose that in the monetary sense the rupture of my plans left me the
+better off. But I, who had always been something of an outlier in the
+social sense, an unplaced wanderer bearing the badge of no particular
+caste, I had grown in some way to feel that marriage with Cynthia
+would in this sense bring me to an anchorage, and admit me to a
+definite place of my own in the complex world of London. The idea was
+not wholly unreasonable. I had lived very rapidly in those few
+critical weeks. Years of hope, endeavour, determination, and emotional
+experience, I had crowded into my last days in Dorking. And through it
+all I had been upheld and exalted by a pervasive conviction (which I
+apprehend is not part of the ordinary lover's capital) that now, at
+length, I was to know peace, rest, content; the calm, glad realisation
+of all the vague yearnings and strivings which had spurred me to
+strenuousness, to unceasing effort, all my life long.
+
+Cynthia had been the object of my love, of my passionate adoration,
+indeed. But she had also been a great deal more. When she had bowed
+her beautiful head to my wooing, when she had promised that upon my
+call she would come, she had (all unconsciously, of course) become
+more than my beloved. She became for me the actual embodiment, the
+incarnate end, aim, and reward of all the strivings of my lonely life,
+from the night of my flight from St. Peter's Orphanage down to that
+very day. In my rapt contemplation of her, of the personality which
+enthralled me far, far more than her beautiful person could, I smiled
+over recollection of my bitter struggles in London slums, of the
+heart-racking anxiety and grinding humiliation of life with poor
+Fanny. I smiled happily at that squalid vista as at some trifling
+inconvenience by the way, too small to be remembered as an obstacle in
+my path toward the all-sufficing and radiant peace of union with
+Cynthia.
+
+'Now I see why all my life has been worth while,' I told myself on the
+eve of the clumsy, brutal blow of Fate's hand that had for ever robbed
+me of Cynthia.
+
+In the living, the end had sometimes seemed too hopelessly far off to
+justify the wearing strain of the means. There had been so little
+refreshment by the way. But with Cynthia's promise there had come to
+me an all-embracing certainty that my whole life had been justified;
+that the end and reward of all my struggles was actually in my hands;
+that I now had arrived, and was about to step definitely out from the
+ranks of the striving, unsatisfied, hungry outliers, into the serene
+company of those whose faces shine with the light of assured
+happiness; of those who fight and struggle no longer; for the reason
+that they have found their allotted place in life, and are at anchor
+within the haven of their ambitions.
+
+I may have been very greatly to blame in my passionate wooing of
+another man's affianced wife; but, at least, I believe that my loss of
+Cynthia was a far greater and more crushing loss for me than the loss
+of any woman could possibly have been for Charles Barthrop. For me,
+she had stood for all life held that was desirable--the sum and plexus
+of my aims. For Barthrop there were his keenly relished sports and
+pastimes, his host of friends, his family, his luxurious and well-defined
+place in the world--not to mention the city of London.
+
+
+V
+
+
+When I left the spacious purlieus of Salisbury, it was to engage
+chambers--bedroom, sitting-room, and bathroom--in a remodelled adjunct
+to one of the Inns of Court. Here my arrangement was that a simple
+breakfast should be served to me each day in my sitting-room, and that
+I was free to obtain my other meals wherever I might choose. Thus
+provided for in the matter of a place of residence, I resumed the
+discarded journalistic life, as a member of the _Advocate's_ editorial
+staff, in accordance with the engagement entered into with Arncliffe,
+when I believed I had been arranging to secure an income for Cynthia
+and myself.
+
+Before renting these rooms I had called upon Sidney Heron, and invited
+him to share a set of chambers with me.
+
+'No,' he said, in his blunt way, 'I'd rather keep you as a friend.'
+
+I dare say he was right; and, in any case, he had a fancy for living
+at a good distance from the centre of the town; whereas my own
+inclination was to avoid the town altogether, if that might be, and
+failing this to have one's sanctuary right in the centre of it. My
+chambers were within five minutes' walk of the _Advocate_ office, and
+not much more than half that distance from the Thames Embankment--a
+spot which interested me as much as its lively neighbour, the Strand,
+irritated and worried me. An uneasy, shoddy street I thought the
+Strand, full of insistent tawdriness and of broken-spirited folk whose
+wretchedness had something in it more despicable than pitiable. Save
+for its occasional gaping rustics (whom I thought sadly misguided to
+be there at all) I cordially hated the Strand. But the Embankment I
+regarded as one of the most romantic thoroughfares in London; and many
+a score of articles (which brought me money) do I owe to the
+inspiration of that broad, darkling, river-skirted road, and the queer
+human flotsam and jetsam one may meet with there.
+
+Among the direct results of Cynthia Lane's influence, I must place my
+interest in politics. I had hardly realised that women had any concern
+with politics until I met Cynthia. She was in no sense a politician,
+but she followed the political news of the day with the same bright
+and illuminating intelligence which she brought to bear upon all the
+affairs of her life; and her attitude toward them was informed by a
+fine patriotism, at once reasoning and ardent. Chance phrases from her
+lips had opened my eyes to the existence of a love for England, for
+our flag, and race, such as I had not dreamed of till that time.
+
+We spoke once or twice of my Australian experiences. And here again
+Cynthia's patriotism suggested whole avenues of unsuspected thought
+and feeling to me. It was Cynthia who introduced to my mind the
+conception of the British Empire, and our race, as a single family,
+having many branching offshoots. I do not mean that Cynthia supplied
+facts or theories hitherto unknown to me. But I do mean that her
+woman's mind first made me feel these things, intimately and
+personally, as people feel the joys and sorrows of members of their
+own households.
+
+As a result I looked now with changed eyes upon many things. Before, I
+had loathed and detested the slums of London, and the vicious, ugly
+squalor of the lives of many of their inhabitants; hated them with the
+bitterness of one who has been made to feel their poison in his own
+veins. There had been far more of loathing than of pity or sorrow in
+my attitude toward the canker at London's heart. Gradually, now,
+because of the insight I had had into Cynthia's love of England, my
+view became more kindly. I looked upon the canker less with hatred,
+and more with the feeling one might have regarding some horrible and
+malignant disease in a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister. And,
+too, with more of a sense of responsibility and of shame.
+
+So, from a lofty and quite ignorant scorn of things so essentially
+mundane, I grew to take an understanding interest in current politics,
+and more particularly in their wider aspects, as touching not England
+alone but all British lands and people. I obtained a press pass from
+Arncliffe, and attended an important debate in the House of Commons,
+subsequently recording my impressions, in the form of an article by an
+Outsider, from Australia. Journalistically, that article was a rather
+striking success; and I began to attend the House frequently, and to
+write more or less regular political impressions for the _Advocate_.
+
+For several years my interest in these matters continued to be
+progressive. (Three volumes of a political or quasi-political and
+sociological character have appeared under my name.) I am grateful for
+that interest, because it gave me some additional hold upon life, at a
+time when such anchorage as I had had seemed to have been wrested from
+me.
+
+There was a quite considerable period--five or six years, at least, I
+think--during which political work tended to broaden my mind, widen my
+sympathies, and enhance my esteem for a number of my contemporaries.
+Beyond that point I am afraid no good came to me from the study of
+politics; from which fact it is probably safe to assume that any
+influence I exercised ceased to be beneficial. For a time it had, I
+think, been helpful in its small way. That was while faith remained in
+me.
+
+I remember conceiving a warm respect for a number of men engaged in
+political work as writers, organisers, and speakers. I admired these
+men for the fervour with which they appeared to devote their lives to
+the service of political ends. I even derived from my conception of
+their enthusiasm, strong, almost emotional interest in certain
+political issues, tendencies, and developments. Later, as I learned to
+know the men and their work better, came rather painful
+disillusionment. We differed fundamentally, it seemed, these eloquent
+fellows and myself. One actually told me in so many words, and with a
+cynical smile at his other companion of the moment, as who should say:
+'Really, this innocent needs awakening'; that I was playing the gull's
+part on the surface of things. 'We are not concerned with principles,'
+he said, in effect. 'That may be all right for the groundlings--our
+audience. Our concern is parties, office--the historic game of ins and
+outs, in which we have our careers to make.'
+
+Until I put the whole business for ever behind me, I never lost my
+interest in issues and principles; neither did I ever acquire one jot
+or tittle of the professional's interest in the political game, as
+such; or endeavour to utilise its complex machinery for the
+furtherance of my own career. But in the course of time the study, not
+so much of politics as of political life, came to fill me with a kind
+of sick weariness and disgust; a sort of dull nausea and shame, such
+as I imagine forms one of the penalties for the unfortunate
+sisterhood, of what is sardonically called the life of pleasure. Upon
+the whole, I am afraid there is a good deal in common between the
+political life and the life of the streets. Certainly, the camp
+followers in political warfare are a motley crew of mercenaries, and
+they take their tone from quite a number of their leaders.
+
+It would be quite beside the mark to add that there are some fine men
+in British politics. There are, of course, in all professions,
+including (I dare say) that of burglary. There still are in the
+political arena gentlemen whose single aim, pursued with undeviating
+loftiness of purpose, is the service of their country. I will not
+pretend to think their number large, for I know it is not. (But I dare
+say it is larger than it will be a few years hence, when we have
+pursued a little farther the enlightened ideal of governance by the
+least fit for the least fit, by the most poorly equipped for the most
+poorly equipped, by the most ignorant and irresponsible for the most
+ignorant and irresponsible.) But the class of well-meaning, decent,
+clean-lived politicians is a fairly large one. As these worthy if
+unremarkable men have not a tithe of the brains of the most prominent
+among the quite unscrupulous sort--the undoubted birds of prey--their
+good intentions are of small value to their generation or their
+country, and represent little or nothing in the shape of hindrance to
+the skilled pirates of political waters.
+
+But my personal concern was not so much with the rank and file of
+actual politicians as with the great army of camp followers; the band
+of fine, whole-souled, well-dressed, fluent fellows, for whom
+'something must be done, you know,' because of this or that interest,
+because of the alleged wishes of this great person or the other; and
+because, above all, of their own quite wonderful pertinacity, untiring
+pushfulness, and, of course, their valuable services and great
+abilities as talkers, writers, 'organisers,' and what not.
+
+I have known men who, for years, had found it worth not less than L800
+or L1000 a year to them to have been spoken of by Mr. ----, Lord ----,
+or Sir ----, as 'an exceedingly capable organiser, and--er--devoted to
+the Cause.' No one ever knew precisely what they had organised (apart
+from their own comfortable subsistence in West End clubs and houses)
+or were to organise; but there they were, fine fellows all, tastefully
+dressed, in the best of health and spirits, and indefatigably fluent
+in--in--er--the service of the Cause, you know!
+
+There was a period in which I fancied these parasites were the
+monopoly of one political party. But I soon learned that this was far
+from being the case. All the four parties which the twentieth century
+saw established in parliament are equally surrounded by their camp
+followers, who each differ from each other only superficially, and,
+not unseldom, transfer their allegiance in pursuit of fatter game. The
+differences do impress one at first, but, as I say, they are mainly
+superficial. All are equally self-centred and true to type as
+parasites; though one brood is better dressed than another, and has a
+more formidable appetite. What makes rich pickings for the follower of
+one camp would leave the follower of another camp lean and hungry
+indeed. But the necessary scale of expenditure being higher in one
+division than another, things equalise themselves pretty much. I
+believe it is much the same in the case of the other ancient
+profession I have mentioned.
+
+I have seen quite a large number of promising young men, fresh from
+the Universities, and beginning life in London with high aspirations
+and genuine patriotism in their hearts, only to become gradually
+absorbed into the gigantic parasitical incubus of the body politic.
+The process of absorption was none the less saddening and embittering
+to watch, because its subjects usually waxed fatter and more
+apparently jovial with each stage in their gradual exchange of ideals
+for cash, patriotism for nepotism, enthusiasm for cynicism, and
+disinterestedness for toadyism. Some had in them the makings of very
+good and useful citizens. Their wives, so far as I was able to see,
+almost invariably (whether deliberately or unknowingly) egged them on
+in the downward path to complete surrender. As a rule, complete
+surrender meant less striving and contriving, a better establishment,
+and a freer use of hansom cabs in place of omnibuses. (I am thinking
+for the moment of the days which knew not taxi-cabs.)
+
+When they were writers, a frequent sign of the beginning of their end
+(from my standpoint; of their success, from other standpoints,
+including, no doubt, those of their wives) was that they began to
+write of persons rather than principles; to eulogise rather than to
+exhort, criticise, and suggest. So surely as they began their written
+panegyrics of individuals, I found them laying aside the last remnants
+of their private hero-worship. Very soon after this stage they
+generally changed their clubs, becoming members of the most expensive
+of these establishments; and from that point on, their progress
+towards finished cynicism, fatty degeneration of the intellect, and
+smiling abandonment of all scruples, all ideals, and all modesty, was
+rapid and certain.
+
+The inquiring student of such processes would perhaps have found
+banquets, luncheons, and public dinners of a more or less political
+colour his most prolific fields. Upon such occasions I always found
+the genus very strongly represented. In one camp the dress clothes of
+the followers would be of a better cut and more gracefully worn than
+in the other camp; and those of the better-dressed camp had more of
+assurance, more of brazen impudence, and more of hopelessly shallow
+cynicism, I think, than those of other divisions. In many cases, too,
+they had more of education; but, I fear, less of brains.
+
+It was, I think, the contemplation of these gentlemen, even more
+perhaps than my saddening knowledge of their shifty, time-serving,
+shilly-shallying, or glaringly unscrupulous leaders and masters, that
+finally disgusted me with those branches of political work which were
+open to me. I have no wish to sit in judgment. Other and stronger men
+may find that they may keep the most evil sort of company without ever
+soiling their own hands. I know and very sincerely respect a few
+political journalists and workers of different parties, whose
+uprightness is beyond suspicion; whose fine enthusiasm remains
+untarnished, even to-day. I yield to none in my admiration for such
+men. But however much I admired, or even envied, it was not for me to
+emulate these gentlemen. I probably lacked the necessary strength of
+fibre.
+
+Arncliffe was, as ever, very kindly when I showed him my feeling in
+the matter; and, so far as might be, he released me from all
+journalistic obligations of a political sort. But more, I was given a
+complimentary dinner. Speeches were made, and I was genuinely
+astonished by the length of the list of my avowed services to
+politics. It was affirmed that, under Providence, and Arncliffe, and
+one or two people with titles, I had been instrumental in starting
+movements, launching an organ of opinion, and bringing about all kinds
+of signs and portents. The occasion embarrassed me greatly.
+
+It was true enough that, for a season, I had thrown myself heart and
+soul into the furtherance of certain political aims; and, in all
+honesty, I had worked very hard. And--heavens! how I was sick of the
+fluent humbugs, and the complacent parasites! If only they could have
+been dumb, and, in their writings, forbidden by law the use of all
+such words as 'patriotism,' I could have borne much longer with them.
+
+London is our British centre, and your true parasite makes ever for
+the kernel. I have seen them treated with the gravest and most modest
+deference by working bees from outlying hives--the Oversea Dominions
+and the Services--as men who were supposed to be fighting the good
+fight, there in the hub, the heart, and centre of our House. And,
+listening to their complacent oozings, under the titillations of
+innocent flattery, I have turned aside for very shame, in my
+impatience, feeling that in truth the heart and centre were devoid of
+virtue, and that true patriotism was a thing only to be found (where
+it was never named) in unknown officers of either service, and obscure
+civilians engaged in working out their own and the Empire's destinies
+in its remote outposts, and upon the high seas.
+
+And, impatient as that thought may have been, how infinitely better
+founded and less extravagant it was than the presumptuous arrogance of
+these gentlemen, who, by their way of it, were 'Bearing the heat and
+burden of the day, here in the busy heart of things--the historic
+metropolis of our race!'
+
+
+VI
+
+
+Upon three occasions only, in five times that number of years, did I
+meet Cynthia--Cynthia Barthrop; and those meetings, I need hardly say,
+were accidental.
+
+The promise of Cynthia's youth was to all outward seeming amply
+fulfilled. As a matron she would have been notable in any company, by
+reason of her sedate beauty, and the dignity of her presence. But her
+manner suggested to me that her life had certainly not brought content
+to Cynthia; and I gathered from her brother Ernest that the radiant
+brightness of nature which had characterised her youth had not
+survived her assumption of wifely and maternal cares. Others might
+regard this change as part of a natural and inevitable process. In my
+eyes also it was inevitable and natural, but not as the result of the
+passage of time. For me it was the inevitable outcome of a marriage of
+convenience, which was not, for Cynthia, a natural mating. The key to
+the changed expression of her beautiful face, and, in particular, of
+her eloquent eyes, as I saw it, lay in the fact that she was
+unsatisfied; her life, so rich in bloom, had never reached fruition.
+
+One letter I had written to Cynthia, within a few days of her
+marriage. And there had been no other communication between us. I
+trust that forgetfulness came more easily to her than to me.
+
+My withdrawal from political work I connect with the death of Queen
+Victoria, the Coronation of King Edward, and the end of the South
+African War. From the same period--a time of the inception of radical,
+far-reaching change in England--I date also my final emergence from
+that phase of one's existence in which one is still thought of, by
+some people at all events, as a young man. The phase has a longer
+duration in our time, I think, than in previous generations, because
+we have done so much in the direction of abolishing middle age. Grey
+hairs were fairly plentiful with me well before the admitted end of
+this phase.
+
+Those last years of the young man, the author and journalist of
+'promise,' who was a 'coming man,' and, too, the maturer years which
+followed, ought, upon all material counts, to have been the happiest
+and most contented in my life; since, during this time, my position
+was an assured one, and I went scatheless as regards anxiety about
+ways and means--the burden which lines the foreheads of eight
+Londoners in ten, I think. Yes, by all the signs, these should have
+been my best and most contented years. As a fact, I do not think I
+touched content in a single hour of all that period.
+
+What then was lacking in my life? It certainly lacked leisure. But the
+average modern man would say that this commonplace fact could hardly
+rob one of content. My income did not fall below from seven hundred to
+a thousand pounds in any year. In all this period, therefore, there
+was never a hint of the bitter, wolfish struggle for mere food and
+shelter which ruled my first years in London; neither was I ever
+obliged to live in squalid quarters. On the contrary, I lived
+comfortably, and had a good deal more of the sort of social
+intercourse which dining out furnishes than I desired. And, withal,
+though I knew much of keen effort, the stress of unremitting work,
+and, at times, considerable responsibility, I do not think I tasted
+content in one hour of all those long, crowded, respectable, and
+apparently prosperous years.
+
+If one comes to that, could I honestly assert that in the years
+preceding these I had ever known content? I fear not. Elation, the
+sense of more or less successful striving, occasional triumphs--all
+these good things I had known. But content, peace, secure and restful
+satisfaction-- No, I could not truly say I had ever experienced these.
+Perhaps they have been rare among all the educated peoples of the late
+nineteenth and early twentieth centuries; particularly, it may be,
+among those who, like myself, have been more or less freely admitted
+prospectors in the home territories of various classes of the
+community, without ever becoming a fully accredited and recognised
+member of any one among them.
+
+I would like very much to comprehend fairly the reason of the
+barrenness, the failure to attain content or satisfaction, in all
+those years of my London life. And, for that reason, I linger over my
+review of them, I state the case as fully as I can. But do I explain
+it to myself? I fear not. Doubtless, some good people would tell me
+the secret lay in the apparent absence of definitely dogmatic
+religious influence in my life. Ah, well, there is that, of course.
+But it does not give me the explanation. Others would tell me the
+explanation could be given in one word--egoism; that there has been
+always too much ego in my cosmos. Yes, there is doubtless a great deal
+in that. And yet, goodness knows, mine has not been a self-indulgent
+life.
+
+As I see it, there was a period in which I urgently desired to secure
+a safe foothold in London's literary and journalistic life. Material
+needs being moderately satisfied I happened, pretty blindly, into my
+marriage. That effectually shut out any possibility of content while
+it lasted, and added very materially to the inroads made by the
+previous struggling period upon my health. Later, came my strongest
+literary ambitions: a striving for achievement and success, and I
+suppose for fame, as author. And then the brief, tremendous struggle
+to win Cynthia for my wife. So far, naturally enough, there had been
+no content.
+
+After the collapse of my attempt to win a mate, it seems to me that I
+became definitely middle-aged; though any outside observer of my life
+would probably have dated the serious beginnings of my career--the
+'young man of undoubted promise,' etc.--from that time, since it was
+from then on that my position became more important. I directed the
+energies of others, was a leading editor's right hand man, initiated
+and controlled new departures, and commanded far more attention for my
+writings than ever before.
+
+But--and here, it seems to me, lies the crux of the matter--in all
+this period the present moment of living never appealed to me in the
+least. I derived no suggestion of satisfaction or enjoyment from it. I
+was for ever striving, restlessly, uneasily, and to weariness, for
+something to be attained later on. And for what did I strive? Well, I
+know that the old ambitions in the direction of world-wide recognition
+as a literary master did not survive my return to Fleet Street, the
+landmark for me of Cynthia's marriage. Equally certain am I that I
+cherished no plan or desire to accumulate money and become rich. I had
+no desire to become a politician, or to obtain such a post as
+Arncliffe's. The desires of my youth were dead; the energies of my
+youth were dulled; the health and physical standard of my early
+manhood was greatly and for ever lowered. The enthusiasms of my youth
+had given place not to cynicism but to weary sadness. It was perhaps
+unfortunate for myself that I had no cynicism.
+
+Very well. In other words, a disinterested observer might say: You
+became middle-aged--the common lot--and dyspeptic: the usual penalty
+of sedentary life. But there is a difference. If middle age brings to
+most, as no doubt it does, some failure of health and a notable
+attenuation of aims, desires, ambitions, and zest, does it not also
+bring some satisfaction in the present? I think so; at all events,
+where, as in my case, it brings the outward and material essentials of
+a moderate success in life. Now in my case, though the definite aims,
+the plans for the future, the desired goals, had merely ceased to
+exist, the present was Dead Sea fruit--null and void, a thing of
+nought. Just where does my poor personal equation enter in, and how
+far, I wonder, is all this typical of twentieth-century human
+experience, for us, the heirs of all the ages, with our wonderful
+enlightenment and progress? I wonder!
+
+This, at all events, I think, is as near as I can come to explanation.
+Yet how very far short it falls of explaining, of furnishing me with
+the key which the making of this record was to provide!
+
+However, the task shall not be shirked. At least, some matters have
+been made clearer. I will complete my record--if I can.
+
+
+
+
+THE LAST STAGE
+
+
+I
+
+
+'What do you aim at in your life?' I said to Sidney Heron one night,
+when the first decade of the new century was drawing near its close.
+Heron had dined with me, and we had continued our talk in my rooms. It
+was a Saturday night, and therefore for me free of engagements.
+
+'The end of it,' replied Heron, without a moment's hesitation.
+
+'Ah! Nothing else? Nothing to come before the end?'
+
+'Oh, well, to be precise, I suppose one does, in certain moods,
+cherish vague hopes of coming upon a--a way out, you know, some time
+before the end; time to compose one's mind decently before the prime
+adventure. Yes, one cherishes the notion vaguely; but I apprehend that
+realisation of it is only for such swells as you. I have sometimes
+known thrifty bursts, in which I have saved a little; but--a man
+doesn't buy estates out of my sort of work, you know. He's lucky if he
+can keep out-- Well, out of Fleet Street, say, saving your worship's
+presence.'
+
+'Yes, yes; you've always done that, haven't you? A negative kind of
+ambition, perhaps, but----'
+
+'Oh, naturally, you must pretend scorn for it, I see that,' said
+Heron.
+
+'Not at all, my dear chap, not a bit of it. Indeed, I should be one of
+the last to scorn that particular aim. But I was wondering if you
+cherished any other. A "way out." Yes, there's something rather
+heart-stirring about the thought. I wonder if there is such a thing as a
+"way out." I forget the name of the Roman gentleman who hankered after
+a "way out." Once in a year or so he used to wake up, full of the
+conviction that he'd found it. Out came the family chariots, and off
+he would gallop across the Campagna to the hills beyond, where, no
+doubt, he had a villa of sorts, vineyards, and the rest of it. Here,
+in chaste seclusion, was his "way out": a glorious relief, the
+beginning of the great peace. And, a few weeks later, Rome would see
+his chariots dashing back again into the city, even harder driven than
+on the passage out. However, I suppose there is a "way out" somewhere
+for every one.'
+
+'Well, I wouldn't say for every one,' said Heron thoughtfully. 'It
+doesn't matter how fast you drive, you can't get away from yourself,
+of course. The question of whether there is or is not a "way out"
+depends on what you want to get away from, and where you want to
+reach.'
+
+It may be well enough to say with the poet: 'What so wild as words
+are?' But the fact remains that mere words, and the grouping of words,
+apart from their normal, everyday significance, have a notable
+influence upon the thoughts of some folk, and especially, I suppose,
+of writers. I know that Heron's careless 'way out' phrase occupied my
+mind greatly for many weeks after it was spoken.
+
+'After all,' I sometimes asked myself, 'what has my whole life
+amounted to but an uneasy, restless, striving search for a "way out"?
+It has never been "to-day" with me, but always "to-morrow"; and the
+morrow has never come. Never for a moment have I thought: "This thing
+in my hand is what I want; this present Here and Now is what I desire.
+I will retain this, and so shall be content." No, my strivings--and I
+have been always striving--have been for something the future was to
+bring. And, behold, what was the future is more barren than the past;
+it is that thing which I seem incapable of valuing--the present. Is
+there a "way out" for me? Surely there must be. I certainly am no more
+fastidious than my neighbours, and indeed am much simpler in my tastes
+than most of them.'
+
+And that was true. If I could lay claim to no other kind of progress,
+I could fairly say that I had cultivated simplicity in taste and
+appetite, and did in all honesty prefer simple ways. That otherwise
+abominable thing, my disabled digestive system, had perhaps influenced
+me in this direction. In days gone by, I should have said my most
+desired 'way out' would be the path to independent leisure for
+literary work. Now, if I desired anything, it was independent leisure,
+not for the production of immortal books, but for thinking; for the
+calm thought that should yield self-comprehension. Yes, I told myself,
+I hated the daily round of Fleet Street, with its never-slackening
+demand for the production of restrained moralising, polished twaddle,
+and non-committal, two-sided conclusions, or careful omissions, and
+one-eyed deductions. It was thus I thought of it, then.
+
+'What you want is a holiday, my friend,' said Arncliffe, upon whose
+kindly heart and front of brass the beating of the waves of Time
+seemed powerless to develop the smallest fissure.
+
+'You are right,' I thought. 'A holiday without an end is what I want.
+And, why not take it, instead of waiting till the other end comes, and
+shuts out all possibility of holidays, work, or thought? Why not?'
+
+I began a reckoning up of my resources. But it was a perfunctory
+reckoning. The facts really did not greatly interest me. After all,
+had I not once calmly set up my establishment in the country, with a
+total capital of perhaps twenty pounds? Or, if one came to that, had I
+not cheerfully sallied forth into the world, armed only with a one-pound
+note? True, I told myself, with some bitterness, the youth had
+possessed many capabilities which the man lacked. Still, the reckoning
+did not greatly interest me. And, while I made it, my thoughts
+persistently reverted to Australian bush scenes; never, by the way, to
+my days of comparative prosperity in Sydney, but always to bush
+scenes: camp fires under vast and sombre red mahogany trees; lonely
+tracks in heavily timbered country; glimpses of towns like Dursley,
+seen from the rugged tops of high wooded ridges; little creeks,
+lisping over stones never touched by the feet of men or beasts; tiny
+clearings among the hills, where a spiral of blue smoke bespoke an
+open hearth and human care, though no sound disturbed the peaceful
+solitude save the hum of insects and the occasional cry of birds.
+
+Now and again I would allow myself to compose a mental picture of some
+peaceful retreat upon the outskirts of a remote English village, where
+every stock and stone would have a history, and every inhabitant prove
+a repository of folklore and local tradition. From actual experience I
+still knew very little of rural England, though of late years I had
+done some exploring. But, vicariously, I had lived much in Wessex,
+East Anglia, the delectable Duchy, and other parts of the country,
+through the works of favourite writers. And so I did dream at times of
+an English retreat, but always such musings would end upon a note of
+scepticism. These parts were not far enough away to furnish anything
+so wonderful, so epoch-making, as my desired 'way out.' For persons of
+my temperament one of the commonest and most disastrous blunders of
+life is the tacit assumption that the thing easy of attainment and
+near at hand cannot possibly prove the thing one wants.
+
+Gradually, then, the idea developed in my mind that the true solution
+of my problems lay in a working back upon my life's tracks. My
+thoughts wandered insistently to the northern half of the coast of New
+South Wales. Even now I could hardly say just how much of my
+retrospective vision was genuine recollection, and how much the
+glamour of youth. I tried to recall without sentiment the effects
+produced upon me, for example, by the climate of that undoubtedly
+favoured region. But I am not sure that my efforts gave results of any
+practical value. For practical purposes it is extremely difficult, in
+middle life, to form reliable estimates of the congeniality to one's
+self of any place to which one has been a stranger since youth.
+Recollections pitched in such a key as, 'How good one used to feel
+when--,' or,'How beautiful the country looked at ---- when one--,' are
+apt to be very misleading for a man of broken health and middle age;
+the one thing he cannot properly allow for being the radical change
+which has taken place in himself. I bore the name of the lad who
+tramped the roads from Myall Creek down to Dursley. In most other
+respects I was not now that person, but somebody else--a totally
+different somebody.
+
+I could not very well talk of the plans which now took shape in my
+mind to Sidney Heron; because, in effect, he declined to discuss them.
+
+'I think it would be a rather less reasonable step than suicide, and I
+have always declined to discuss suicide. One must see some glimmer of
+rationality in a project to be able to discuss it, and in this notion
+of yours I can see none, none whatever.'
+
+A vague suspicion that others might be likely to share Heron's view
+prevented my seeking the counsel of my few friends; and also, I fear,
+tended rather to strengthen my inclinations to go my own way. The more
+I thought upon it, the more determined I became to cut completely
+adrift from my present life; to find a way of escaping all its
+insistent calls; to get far enough away from my life (so to say) to be
+able calmly and thoughtfully to observe it, and seek to understand it.
+I did not admit this, but I suppose my real aim was to escape from
+myself.
+
+'Your lease is not a long one, in any case,' I told myself. 'While yet
+you have the chance cease to be a machine, and begin to live as a
+rational, reasoning creature. Be done with your petty striving after
+ends you have forgotten, or cannot see, or care nothing for. Get out
+into the open, and live, and think!'
+
+I do not quite know the basis of my conviction that I should never
+make old bones, as the saying goes. The life assurance offices
+certainly shared this view, for they would have none of me. (I had
+long since thought of taking out what is called a double endowment
+policy.) My father died at an early age, and I had known good health
+hardly at all since my first two years in London. The doctor who had
+last examined me showed that he thought poorly of my heart; and,
+indeed, experience had taught me that prolonged gastric disorder is
+calculated to affect injuriously most organs of the human anatomy. But
+the thinking and planning with regard to a radical change in my life
+had given me a certain interest in living, and that had acted
+beneficially upon my health; so that, for the time being, I felt
+better than for a long while past.
+
+While this fact gave a certain air of unreality to the resignation, on
+the grounds of ill-health, from my appointment as a member of
+Arncliffe's staff, it did not in the least affect my weariness of
+Fleet Street and all its works, or my determination to be done with
+them. The circle of my intimates was so very small that the task of
+explaining my intentions was not a formidable one, nor even one which
+I felt called upon to perform with any particular thoroughness. I
+proposed to take a voyage for the good of my health, and did not know
+precisely when I should return. That I deemed sufficient for most of
+those to whom anything at all needed to be said.
+
+
+II
+
+
+There was something strange, a dream-like want of reality, about my
+final departure from England, after five-and-twenty years of working
+life in London. I am not likely to forget any incident of it; but yet
+the whole experience, both at the time and now, seemed (and seems) to
+be shrouded in a kind of mist, a by no means disagreeable haze of
+unreality, which in a measure numbed all my senses. More than ever
+before I seemed to be, not so much living through an experience, as
+observing it from a detached standpoint.
+
+Investigation of my resources showed that I had accumulated some means
+during the past dozen years of simple living and incessant work, not
+ill-paid. I had just upon two thousand pounds invested, and between
+one and two hundred pounds lying to my credit at call, I told myself
+that living alone and simply in the bush, a hundred pounds in the year
+would easily cover all my expenses. That I had anything like twenty
+years of life before me was a supposition which I could not entertain
+for one moment. And, therefore, I told myself again and again, with
+curious insistence, there really was no reason why I need ever again
+work for money, or waste one moment over petty anxiety regarding ways
+and means. That was a very great boon, I told myself; the greatest of
+all boons, and better fortune than in recent years I had dared to hope
+would be mine. And, puzzled by the coldness with which my inner mind
+responded to these assurances, I would reiterate them, watching my
+mind the while, and almost angered by the absence of elation and
+enthusiasm which I observed there.
+
+'You have not properly realised as yet what it means, my friend,' I
+murmured to myself as I walked slowly through city alley-ways, after
+booking my passage to Sydney in a steam ship of perhaps seven times
+the tonnage of the old _Ariadne_ of my boyhood's journey to Australia.
+'But it is the biggest thing you have ever known. You will begin to
+realise it presently. You are free. Do you hear? An absolutely free
+man. You need never write another line unless you wish it, and then
+you may write precisely what you think, no more, no less. You are
+going right away from this howling cockpit, and never need set foot in
+it again. You are going to a beautiful climate, a free life in the
+open, with no vestige of sham or pretence about it, and long, secure
+leisure to reflect, to think, to muse, to read, to do precisely what
+you desire to do, and nothing else. You are free--free! Do you hear,
+you tired hack? Too tired to prick your ears, eh? Ah, well, wait till
+you've been a week or two at sea!'
+
+Very quietly I addressed my sluggish and jaded self in this wise. Yet
+more than one hurried walker in the city ways looked curiously at me,
+as I passed along, with a wondering scrutiny which amused me a good
+deal. 'Too tired to prick your ears.' The suggestion came from the
+contemptuously self-commiserating thought that I was rather like a
+worn-out 'bus horse, to whom some benevolent minor Providence was
+offering the freedom of a fine grazing paddock. 'You're too much
+galled and spavined, you poor devil, to be moved by verbal assurances.
+Wait till you scent the breezy upland, and your feet feel the turf.
+You'll know better what it all means then.'
+
+I had entertained vague notions of a little farewell feast which I
+would give to Heron, and, possibly, to one or two other friends. But
+from the reality of such convivial enterprise I shrank, when the time
+came, preferring to adopt, even to Heron, the attitude of a traveller
+who would presently return. And when, as the event proved, I found
+myself the guest of honour at a dinner presided over by Arncliffe, my
+embarrassment pierced through all sense of unreality and caused me
+acute discomfort.
+
+It is odd that I, who always have been foolishly sensitive to blame
+(from professed critics and others), should shrink so painfully from
+spoken praise or formal tribute of any kind. It makes my skin hot even
+to recall the one or two such episodes I have faced. The wretched
+inability to think where to dispose of one's hands and gaze during the
+genial delivery of after-dinner encomiums; the distressing difficulty
+of replying! Upon the whole, I think I was better at receiving
+punishment. But it is true, the latter one received in privacy, and
+was under no obligation to answer; since replying to printed
+criticisms was never a folly I indulged.
+
+On the eve of my departure from London I did a curious and perhaps
+foolish thing, on the spur of a moment's impulse. I hailed a cab, and
+drove to Cynthia's house in Sloane Street. Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Barthrop
+were at home, and alone, the servant told me; and in another few
+moments I was shaking hands with them. Naturally, they called my visit
+an unexpected pleasure. It was, in fact, not a very pleasurable
+quarter of an hour for either one of us. For years I had known nothing
+of their interests, or they of mine. Our talk was necessarily shallow,
+and I dare say Cynthia, no less than her husband, was glad when I rose
+to take my leave. The sweet, clear candour of her face had given
+place, I thought, to something not wholly unlike querulousness. But, I
+had one glance from her eyes, as she took my hand, which seemed to me
+to say:
+
+'God speed! I understand.'
+
+It may have meant nothing, but I like to think it meant understanding.
+
+From Cynthia's house I went on to Heron's lodging, for I had a horror
+of being 'seen off,' and wished to bid my friend good-bye in his own
+rooms. Our talk was constrained, I remember. The stress of my
+uprooting affected me far more than I knew at the time. Heron regarded
+my going with grave disapproval as a crazy step. He regretted it, too;
+and such feelings always tended to exaggerate his tendency to
+taciturnity, or to a harsh, sardonic vein in speech.
+
+As his way was in such a matter, Heron calmly ignored my stipulation
+about being 'seen off,' and he was standing beside the curb when I
+stepped out of my cab at Fenchurch Street Station next morning. There
+was nearly half an hour to spare, we found, before the boat train
+started.
+
+'The correct thing would be a stirrup-cup,' growled Heron.
+
+'The very thing,' I said; conversation in such a place, and in such
+circumstances, proving quite impossible for me. By an odd chance I
+recalled my first experiences upon arrival at this same mean and
+dolorous station, more than twenty years previously. 'We will go to
+the house in which the "genelmun orduder bawth,"' I said, and led
+Heron across into the Blue Boar.
+
+The forced jocularity of these occasions is apt to be a pitifully
+wooden business, and I suppose it was a relief to us both when my
+train began slowly to move.
+
+'By the way--I had forgotten,' said Heron, very gruffly. 'Take this
+trifle with you-- May be of some use. Good-bye! Look me up as soon as
+you get back. I give you a year--or nearly.'
+
+He waved his hand jerkily, and was gone. He had given me the silver
+cigarette-case which he had used for all the years of our
+acquaintance. It bore his initials in one corner, and under these I
+now saw engraved: 'To N. F., 1890-1910.' I do not recall any small
+incident that impressed me more than this.
+
+I still moved through a mist. The voices of my travelling companions
+seemed oddly small and remote. I felt as though encased and insulated,
+in some curious way, from the everyday life about me. And this mood
+possessed me all through that day. Through all the customary bustle of
+an ocean liner's departure, I moved slowly, silently, aloofly, as a
+somnambulist. It was a singular outsetting, this start upon my 'way
+out.'
+
+
+III
+
+
+In ordinary times my thrifty instinct might have led me to travel in
+the second class division of the great steamer. But it had happened
+that the sum I set aside to cover my travelling expenses proved more
+than ample. Several small unreckoned additions had been made to it
+during my last month in England; and the upshot was that I decided to
+travel by first saloon, and even to indulge myself in the added luxury
+of a single-berth, upper-deck cabin. For me privacy had for long been
+one of the few luxuries I really did value. Heron had mildly satirised
+my sybaritic plans as representing an ingenious preparation for hut
+life in the Australian bush, but I had claimed that comfort and
+privacy on the passage would give me a deserved holiday, and help put
+me into good form for my fresh start oversea. I am not sure which view
+was the more correct.
+
+At all events I certainly was very comfortably placed on board the
+_Oronta_. My books I had deliberately packed in boxes marked 'Not
+wanted on voyage.' There was not so much as a sheet of manuscript
+paper among my cabin luggage. Beyond an odd letter or two for postage
+at ports of call, and any casual browsing in the ship's library to
+which I might feel impelled in my idleness, I was prepared to give no
+thought to reading or writing for the present; since for five-and-twenty
+years I had been giving practically all my days and half my
+nights to these pursuits as a working man of letters.
+
+I had amused myself of late with elaborate anticipations of the
+delights of idleness during this passage to Australia. My ideas of sea
+travel were really culled from recollections of life on a full rigged
+clipper ship--not a steamboat. (The homeward passage from Australia
+had hardly been sea-travel in the ordinary sense for me, but rather
+six weeks of clerking in an office.) In my anticipations of the
+present journey, the dominant impressions had been based upon memories
+of the spotless cleanliness, endless leisure, and primitive simplicity
+of the old time sailing ship life. I do not mean that I had thought I
+should trot about the decks of the _Oronta_ bare-footed, as I and my
+childish companions had done aboard the _Ariadne_; but I do mean that
+the atmosphere of the _Ariadne_ life had coloured all my thoughts of
+what the present trip would be for me.
+
+And that, of course, was a mistake. The smoothly ordered life of the
+_Oronta's_ saloon passengers was very much that of a first-class
+seaside hotel, say in Bournemouth. So far from sprawling upon the
+snowy deck of a forecastle-head, to watch the phosphorescent lights in
+the water under our ship's bow, saloon passengers on board the
+_Oronta_ were not expected ever to intrude upon the forward deck--the
+ship had no forecastle-head--which was reserved for the uses of the
+crew. Also, in the conventional black and white of society's evening
+uniform for men, I suppose one does not exactly sprawl on decks, even
+where these are spotless, as they never are on board a steamship.
+
+The pleasant race of sailor men, of shell-backs, such as those who
+swung the yards and tallied on to the halliards of the _Ariadne_, may
+or may not have become extinct, and given place to a breed of sea-going
+mechanics, who protect their feet by means of rubber boots when
+washing decks down in the morning. In any case, I met none of the old
+salted variety among the _Oronta's_ multitudinous crew. For me there
+was here no sitting on painted spars, or tarry hatch-covers, or rusty
+anchor-stocks, and listening to long, rambling 'yarns,' or 'cuffers,'
+in idle dog-watches or restful night-watches, when the southern Trades
+blew steadily, and the braces hung untouched upon their pins for a
+week on end. No, in the second dog-watch here, one took a solemn
+constitutional preparatory to dressing for dinner; and in the first
+night-watch one smoked and listened willy-nilly to polite small talk,
+and (from the ship's orchestra) the latest and most criminal products
+of New York's musical genius. I never heard or saw the process of
+relieving wheel or look-out aboard the _Oronta_, and long before the
+beginning of the middle watch I had usually switched off for the night
+the electric reading-lamp over my pillow.
+
+The fact is, of course, that I had never had any kind of training for
+such a life as that in which I now found myself. I will not pretend to
+regret that, for, to be frank, it is a vapid, foolish, empty life
+enough. But there it was; one could not well evade it, and I had had
+no previous experience of anything at all like it. The most popular
+breakfast-hour was something after nine. Beef-tea, ices, and suchlike
+aids to indigestion were partaken of a couple of hours later. Luncheon
+was a substantial dinner. The four o'clock tea was quite a meal for
+most passengers. Caviare and anchovy sandwiches were the rule in the
+half hour preceding dinner, which was, of course, a serious function.
+But ours was a valiant company, and supper was a seventh meal achieved
+by many. The orchestra seemed never far away; games were numerous
+(here again I had hopelessly neglected my education), and at night
+there were concerts, impromptu dances, and balls that were far from
+being impromptu.
+
+It is, I fear, a confession of natural perversity, but by the time we
+reached the Mediterranean I was exceedingly restless, and inclined to
+nervous depression.
+
+I welcomed the various ports of call, and was properly ashamed of the
+unsocial irritability which made me resent the feeling of being made
+one of a chattering, laughing, high-spirited horde of tourists, whose
+descent upon a foreign port seriously damaged whatever charm or
+interest it might possess. At least the trading residents of these
+ports were far more sensible than I, their preference undoubtedly
+causing them to welcome the wielders of camera and guide-book in the
+vein of 'the more the merrier.'
+
+It was in Naples, outside the Villa Nazionale, that it fell to me to
+rescue the elegant young widow, Mrs. Oldcastle, from the embarrassing
+attentions of a cabman, whose acquaintances were already rallying
+about him in great force. So far as speech went, my command of Italian
+was not very much better than Mrs. Oldcastle's perhaps; but at least I
+had a pocketful of Italian silver, while she, poor lady, had only
+English money. The cabman was grossly overpaid, of course, but the
+main point was I silenced him. And then, her flushed cheeks testifying
+to her embarrassment, Mrs. Oldcastle turned towards the gardens, and,
+in common courtesy, I walked with her to ascertain if I could be of
+any further service. The upshot was that we strolled for some time,
+took tea in the Cafe Umberto, walked through the Museo, visited one of
+the city's innumerable glove-shops, and finally, still together, drove
+back to the port and rejoined the _Oronta_.
+
+As fellow-passengers we had up till this time merely exchanged casual
+salutations, Mrs. Oldcastle being one of the three who shared the
+particular table in the saloon at which I sat. No one else of her name
+appeared in the passenger list, in which I had already read the line:
+'Mrs. Oldcastle and maid.' I imagined her age to be still something in
+the earliest thirties, and I had been informed by some obliging gossip
+that she was English by birth; that she had married an Australian
+squatter, who had died during the past year or so; that her permanent
+home was in England, but that she was just now paying a visit to the
+Commonwealth upon some business connected with her late husband's
+estates there.
+
+'You have been most kind, Mr. Freydon,' she said, as we stepped from
+the gangway to the steamer's deck. 'I was in a dreadful muddle by
+myself, and now, thanks to you, I have really enjoyed my afternoon in
+Naples. Believe me, I am grateful. And,' she added, with a faint
+blush, 'I shall now find even greater interest than before in your
+books. Au revoir!'
+
+So she disappeared, by way of the saloon companion, while I took a
+turn along the deck to smoke a cigarette. Naturally I had not
+mentioned my books or profession, and I thought it an odd chance that
+she should know them. She certainly had been a most agreeable
+companion, and----
+
+'There's no doubt that life in any other country, no matter where,
+does seem to enlarge the sympathies of English people,' I told myself.
+'It tends to mitigate the severity of their attitude towards the
+narrower conventions. If this had been her first journey out of
+England she might have accepted my help in the matter of the cabman,
+but would almost certainly have felt called upon to reject my company
+from that on. Instead of which-- H'm! Well, upon my word, I have
+enjoyed the day far more than I should have done alone. She certainly
+is very bright and intelligent.'
+
+And I nodded and smiled to myself, recalling some of her comments upon
+certain figures in the marble gallery of the Museo that afternoon.
+There was nothing in the least inane or parrot-like about her
+conversation. I experienced a more genial and friendly feeling than
+had been mine till then toward the whole of my fellow-passengers.
+
+'After all,' I told myself, 'this forming of hasty impressions of
+people, from snatches of their talk and mannerisms and so forth, is
+both misleading and uncharitable. Here have I been sitting at table
+for a week, and, upon my word, I had no idea that any one among her
+sex on board had half so much intelligence as she had shown in these
+few hours away from the crowd. The crowd--that's it. It's misleading
+to observe folk in the mass, and in the confinement of a ship.'
+
+The passengers' quarters on an ocean liner are fully equal to the
+residences in a cathedral close as forcing beds of gossip and scandal.
+Thus, before we reached the Indian Ocean, I was aware that the gossips
+had so far condescended as to link my name with that of one whom I
+certainly rated as the most attractive of her sex on board. Indeed, it
+was Mrs. Oldcastle herself who drew my attention to this, with a
+little _moue_ of contempt and disgust.
+
+'Really, people on board ship are too despicable in this matter of
+gossip,' she said. 'It would seem that they are literally incapable of
+evolving any other topic than the doings, or supposed doings, of those
+about them. And the men seem to me just as bad as the women.'
+
+
+IV
+
+
+Naturally, the fact that various idle people chose to use my name in
+their gossip in no sense disturbed my peace of mind. Neither had I any
+particular occasion to regret it, for Mrs. Oldcastle's sake, since I
+fancy that independent and high-spirited little lady took a
+mischievous pleasure in spurring the rather sluggish imaginations of
+those about her. I found a hint of this in her demeanour occasionally,
+and could imagine her saying, as she mentally addressed her
+fellow-passengers:
+
+'There! Here's a choice crumb for you, you silly chatterers!'
+
+With some such thought, I am assured, she occasionally took my arm
+when we chanced to pace the deck late in the evening. At least, I
+noted that such actions on her part came frequently when we happened
+to pass a group of lady passengers in the full glare of an electric
+lamp, and rarely when we were unobserved.
+
+There is doubtless a certain forceful magic about the combined
+influences of propinquity and sea air, as these are enjoyed by the
+idle passengers upon a great ocean liner. They do, I think, tend to
+advance intimacy and accelerate the various stages of intercourse
+leading thereto, and therefrom, as nothing else does; more
+particularly as affecting the relations between men and women. Whilst
+unlike myself (as in most other respects) in that her social instincts
+were I am sure well developed, it happened that Mrs. Oldcastle did not
+feel much more drawn toward the majority of her fellow-passengers than
+I did. By a more remarkable coincidence, it chanced that she had read
+and been interested by several of my books. From such a starting-point,
+then, it followed almost inevitably that we walked the decks
+together, and sat and talked together a great deal; these being the
+normal daily occupations of people so situated, if not indeed the only
+available occupations for those not given over to such delights as
+deck quoits.
+
+I am very sure that Mrs. Oldcastle was never what is called a flirt,
+and I believe the general tone of our conversations was sufficiently
+rational. Yet I will not deny that there were times--on the balcony of
+the Galle Face Hotel in Colombo, and on the _Oronta's_ promenade deck
+by moonlight--when my attitude towards this charming lady was
+definitely tinged by sentiment. Withal, I doubt if any raw boy could
+have been more shy, in some respects, than I; for I was most
+sensitively conscious during this time of the fact that I was a very
+unsocial, middle-aged man, of indifferent health, and, for that
+reason, unattractive appearance. Whereas, Mrs. Oldcastle had all the
+charms of the best type of 'the woman of thirty,' including the
+evident enjoyment of that sort of health which is the only real
+preservative of youth. Being by habit a lonely and self-conscious
+creature, I had even more than the average Englishman's horror of
+making myself ridiculous.
+
+We were off the coast of south-western Australia when I sat down in my
+cabin one morning for the purpose of seriously reviewing my position,
+with special reference to recent conversations with Mrs. Oldcastle.
+Certain things I laid down as premises which could not be questioned;
+as, for example, that I found this gracious little lady (Mrs.
+Oldcastle was petite and softly rounded in figure; I am tall and
+inclined in these days to a stooping, scraggy kind of gauntness) a
+most delightful companion, admirably well-informed, vivacious, and
+unusually gifted in the matter of deductive powers and the sense of
+humour. Also, that (whatever the ship's chatterboxes might say) there
+had been nothing in the faintest degree compromising in our relations
+so far.
+
+From such premises I began to argue with myself upon the question of
+marriage. It is not very easy to get these things down in black and
+white. I was perfectly sure that Mrs. Oldcastle was heartwhole. And
+yet, absurdly presumptuous as it must look when I write it, I was
+equally sure that it would be possible for me to woo and win her. It
+may seem odd, but this charming woman did really enjoy my society. She
+liked talking with me. She found my understanding of her ready and
+sympathetic, and--what doubtless appealed to both of us--she found
+that talk with me had a rather stimulating effect upon her; that it
+drew out, in combating my point of view, the best of her excellent
+qualities. Using large words for lesser things, she laughingly
+asserted that I inspired her; and she added that I was the only person
+she knew who never bored or wearied her. Yes, no matter how awkward
+the written words may look, I know I was convinced that, if I should
+set myself to do it, I could woo and win this charming woman, whose
+first name, by the way, I did not then know.
+
+I did not know Mrs. Oldcastle's precise circumstances, of course, but
+there were many ways in which I gathered that she was rather rich than
+poor. A young Australian among the passengers volunteered to me the
+information that this lady had been the sole legatee of her late
+husband, who had owned stations in South Australia and in Queensland
+certainly worth some hundreds of thousands of pounds. Few men could be
+less attracted than myself by a prospect of controlling a large
+fortune or extensive properties. But, as against that, whilst marriage
+with any one possessed of no means would have been mere folly for me,
+the possession of ample means would remove the most obvious barriers
+between myself and matrimony.
+
+It was passing strange, I thought, that a woman at once so charming
+and so rich should be travelling alone, and, so far from being
+surrounded by a court of admirers, content to make such a man as
+myself almost her sole companion. Mrs. Oldcastle had a mind at once
+nimble and delicate, sensitive, and quite remarkably quick to seize
+impressions, and to arrive at (mostly accurate) conclusions. She had a
+vein of gentle satire, of kindly and withal truly humorous irony, most
+rare I think in women, and quite delightful in a companion. I learned
+that her father (now dead) had been the secretary of one of the
+learned societies in London, and a writer of no mean reputation on
+archaeology and kindred subjects. Her surviving relatives were few in
+number, of small means, and resident, I gathered, in the west of
+England. I had told her a good deal about my London life, and of the
+circumstances and plans leading up to my present journey. Her comment
+was:
+
+'I think I understand perfectly, I am sure I sympathise heartily, and--I
+give you one more year than your friend, Mr. Heron, allowed. I
+prophesy that you will return to London within two years.'
+
+'But, just why?' I asked. 'For what reasons will my attempted "way
+out" prove no more than a way back?'
+
+'Well, I am not sure that I can explain that. No, I don't think I can.
+It may prove a good deal more than that, and yet take you back to
+London within a couple of years. Though I cannot explain, I am sure.
+It is not only that you have been a sedentary man all these years. You
+have also been a thinker. You think intellectual society is of no
+moment to you. Well, you are very tired, you see. Also, bear this in
+mind: in the Old World, even for a man who lives alone on a mountain-top,
+there is more of intellectuality--in the very atmosphere, in the
+buildings and roads, the hedges and the ditches--than the best cities
+of the New World have to offer. I suppose it is a matter of tradition
+and association. The endeavours of the New World are material; a
+proportion at least of the Old World's efforts are abstract and ideal.
+You will see. I give you two years, or nearly. And I don't think for a
+moment it will be wasted time.'
+
+Sometimes our talk was far more suggestive of the intercourse between
+two men, fellow-workers even, than that of a man and a woman. Never, I
+think, was it very suggestive of what it really was: conversation
+between a middle-aged, and, upon the whole, broken man, and a woman
+young, beautiful, wealthy, and unattached. Love, in the passionate,
+youthful sense, was not for me, of course, and never again could be. I
+think I was free from illusions on that point. But I believed I might
+be a tolerable companion for such a woman as Mrs. Oldcastle, and I
+felt that her companionship would be a thing very delightful to me.
+After all, she had presumably had her love affair, and was now a fully
+matured woman. Why then should I not definitely lay aside my plans--which
+even unconventional Sidney Heron thought fantastic--and ask this
+altogether charming woman to be my wife? Though I could never play the
+passionate lover, my aesthetic sense was far from unconscious or
+unappreciative of all her purely womanly charm, her grace and beauty
+of person, as apart from her delightful mental qualities.
+
+I mused over the question through an entire morning, and when the
+luncheon bugle sounded had arrived at no definite conclusion regarding
+it.
+
+That afternoon it happened that, as I sat chatting with Mrs.
+Oldcastle---we were now in full view of the Australian coast, a rather
+monotonous though moving picture which was occupying the attention of
+most passengers--our conversation turned upon the age question; how
+youth was ended in the twentieth year for some people, whilst with
+others it was prolonged into the thirtieth and even the fortieth year;
+and, in the case of others again, seemed to last all their lives long.
+Mrs. Oldcastle had a friend in London who had placidly adopted middle
+age in her twenty-fifth year; and we agreed that a white-haired,
+rubicund gentleman of fully sixty years, then engaged in winning a
+quoits tournament before our eyes, seemed possessed of the gift of
+unending youth.
+
+'You know, I really feel quite strongly on the point,' said Mrs.
+Oldcastle. 'My friend, Betty Millen, has positively made herself a
+frump at five-and-twenty. We practically quarrelled over it. I don't
+think people have any right to do that sort of thing. It is not fair
+to their friends. Seriously, I do regard it as an actual duty for
+every one to cherish and preserve her youth.'
+
+'And _his_ youth, too?' I asked.
+
+'Certainly, I think there is even less excuse for men who go out half-way
+to meet middle-age. That sort of middle-age really is a kind of
+slow dying. Age is a sort of gradual, piecemeal death, after all. It
+can be fended off, and ought to be. Men have more active and
+interesting lives than women, as a rule; and so have the less excuse
+for allowing age to creep upon them.'
+
+'But surely, in a general way, the poor fellows cannot help it?'
+
+'Oh, I don't agree. I have known men old enough to be my father, so
+far as years go, who were splendidly youthful. The older a man is,
+within limits of course, the more interesting he should be, and is,
+unless he has weakly allowed age to benumb him before his time. Then
+he becomes merely depressing, a kind of drag and lowering influence
+upon his friends; and, too, a horridly ageing influence upon them.'
+
+I nodded, musing, none too cheerily.
+
+'After all,' she continued vivaciously, 'science has done such a lot
+for us of late. Practically every one can keep bodily young and fit.
+It only means taking a little trouble. And the rest, I think, is just
+a question of will-power and mental hygiene. No, I have no patience
+with people who grow old; unless, of course, they really are very old
+in years. I think it argues either stupidity or a kind of
+profligacy--mental, nervous, and emotional, I mean--and in either case
+it is very unfair to those about them, for there is nothing so horribly
+contagious.'
+
+I have sometimes wondered if Mrs. Oldcastle had any deliberate purpose
+in this conversation. Upon the whole, I think not. I remember
+distinctly that the responsibility for introducing the subject was
+mine. She might have been covertly instructing me for my own benefit,
+but I doubt it, I doubt it. My faults of melancholy and unrestfulness
+had not appeared, I think, in my intercourse with Mrs. Oldcastle, so
+cheery and enlivening was her influence. No, I think these really were
+her views, and that she aired them purely conversationally, and
+without design or afterthought, however kindly. Her own youth she had
+most admirably conserved, and in a manner which showed real force of
+character and self-control; for, as I now know, she had had some
+trying and wearing experiences, though her air and manner were those
+of a woman young and high-spirited, who had never known a care. As a
+fact she had known what it was, for three years, to fight against the
+horrid advance of what was practically a disease, and a terrible one,
+in her late husband, the chief cause of whose death was alcoholic
+poisoning.
+
+But, though I am almost sure that this particular conversation was in
+no sense part of a design or meant to influence me in my relations
+with her, yet it did, as a matter of fact, serve to put a period to my
+musings, and bring me to a definite decision, which it may be had
+considerable importance for both of us. Within forty-eight hours Mrs.
+Oldcastle was to leave the _Oronta_, her destination being the South
+Australian capital. That I had become none too sure of myself in her
+company is proved by the fact that when I left her that evening, it
+was with mention of a pretended headache and chill. I kept my cabin
+next day, and before noon on the day following that we were due at
+Port Adelaide. Mrs. Oldcastle expressed kindly sympathy in the matter
+of my supposed indisposition, and that rather upset me. I could see
+that my non-appearance during her last full day on board puzzled her,
+and I was not prepared to part from her upon a pretence.
+
+'Why, the fact is,' I said, 'I don't think I can accept your sympathy,
+because I had no headache or chill. I was a little moody--somewhat
+middle-aged, you know; and wanted to be alone, and think.'
+
+'I see,' she said thoughtfully, and rather wonderingly.
+
+'I don't very much think you do,' I told her, not very politely. 'And
+I'm not sure that I can explain--even if it were wise to try. I think,
+if you don't mind, I'll just say this much: that I greatly value your
+friendship, and want to retain it, if I can. It seemed to me better to
+have a headache yesterday, in case--in case I might have done anything
+to risk losing your friendship.'
+
+'Oh! Well, I do not think you are likely to lose it, for I--I am as
+much interested as you can be in preserving it. I want you to write to
+me. Will you? And I will write to you when you have found your
+hermitage and can give me an address. I will give you my agent's
+address in Adelaide, and my own address in London, where I shall
+expect a call from you within two years. No, you wall not find it so
+easy to lose touch with me, my friend; nor would you if--if you had
+not had your headache yesterday.'
+
+Upon that she left me to prepare for going ashore. I think we
+understood each other very well then. After that we had no more than a
+minute together for private talk. During that minute I do not think I
+said anything except 'Good-bye!' But I very well remember some words
+Mrs. Oldcastle said.
+
+'You are not to forget me, if you please. Remember, I am not so dull
+but what I can understand--some headaches. But they must not be
+accompanied by "moody middle-age." Do please remember when the
+hermitage palls that it may be left just as easily as it was found.
+And then, apart from Mr. Heron and others, there will be a friend
+waiting to see you in London, and--and wanting to see you.... That's
+my agent, the man with the green-lined umbrella. Good-bye--friend!'
+
+
+V
+
+
+The _Oronta_ was a dull ship for me once she had passed Adelaide;
+duller even than in the grey days between Tilbury and Naples. Adelaide
+passed, an Australian-bound liner seems to have reached the end of her
+outward passage, and yet it is not over. The remainder, for Melbourne,
+Sydney, and Brisbane-bound folk, is apt to be a weariness, even as a
+train journey is, with passengers coming and going and trunks and
+boxes much in evidence.
+
+I had lost my friend, though I had called this my method of retaining
+her friendship; and rightly, I dare say. To be worthy of her a man
+should have left in him ten times my vitality, I thought; he should be
+one who looked forward rather than back; he should bring to their
+joint wayfaring a far keener zest for life than my years in our modern
+Grub Street had left me. How vapid was the talk of my remaining
+fellow-passengers; how slow of understanding, and how preoccupied with
+petty things they seemed! They discussed their luggage, and questions
+regarding the proper amounts for stewards' tips. Had not some
+traveller called Adelaide Australia's city of culture? It seemed a
+pleasant town. The Mount Lofty country near by was beautiful, I
+gathered. It might well have been better for me to have left the ship
+there. My musings were in this sort; somewhat lacking, perhaps, in the
+zest and cheerfulness which should pertain to a new departure in life.
+
+I spent a few days in Sydney, chiefly given to walks through the city
+and suburbs. There was a certain interest, I found, to be derived from
+the noting of all the changes which a quarter of a century had wrought
+in this antipodean Venice. Some of the alterations I noticed were
+possibly no more than reflections of the changes time had wrought in
+myself; for these--the modifications which lie between ambitious youth
+and that sort of damaged middle-age which carries your dyspeptic
+farther from his youth than ever his three score years and ten take
+the hale man--had been radical and thorough with me. But, none the
+less, Sydney's actual changes were sufficiently remarkable.
+
+At the spot whereon I made my entry into society (as I thought), in
+the studio of Mr. Rawlence, the artist, stood now an imposing red
+building of many storeys, given over, I gathered, to doctors and
+dentists. The artist, I thought, was probably gathered to his fathers
+ere this, as my old fellow-lodger, Mr. Smith, most certainly must have
+been. Mr. Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_, had died some years
+previously. The offices and premises of Messrs. J. Canning and Son, my
+first employers in Sydney, were as though I had left them but
+yesterday, unchanged in any single respect. But the head of the firm,
+as I had known him, was no more; and his son, of whom I caught one
+glimpse on the stairway, had grown elderly, grey, and quite
+surprisingly stout.
+
+There was some interest for me in prowling about the haunts of my
+youth; but to be honest, I must admit there was no pleasure, even of
+the mildly melancholy kind. However beautiful their surroundings, no
+New World cities are in themselves beautiful or picturesque. That
+which is new in them is--new, and well enough; and that which is not
+new or newish is apt to be rather shabby than venerable. I apprehend
+that Old World cities would be quite intolerably shabby and tumble-down
+but for the fact that, when they were built, joint stock
+companies were unknown, and men still took real pride in the
+durability of their work. We have made wondrous progress, of course,
+and are vastly cleverer than our forbears; but for the bulk of the
+work of our hands, there is not very much to be said when its newness
+has worn off.
+
+I thought seriously for an hour or more of going to Dursley to visit
+its Omniferacious Agent, and, more particularly, perhaps to see his
+wife; possibly even to settle in the neighbourhood of that pretty
+little town. Then I reckoned up the years, and decided against this
+step. The Omnigerentual One would be an old man, if alive; and his
+wife--I recalled her fragile figure and hopeless invalidism, and
+thought I would sooner cherish my recollections of five-and-twenty
+years than put them to the test of inquiry.
+
+On the fourth or fifth day I drove with my bags to the handsome new
+railway station which had taken the place of the rambling old Redfern
+terminal I remembered, and took train for the north. I found I had no
+wish, at present, to visit Werrina, Myall Creek, or Livorno Bay, and
+my journey came to an end a full fifty miles south of St. Peter's
+Orphanage. Here, within five miles of the substantial township of
+Peterborough, I came, with great ease, upon the very sort of place I
+had in mind: a tiny cottage of two rooms, with a good deep verandah
+before, and a little lean-to kitchen, or, in the local phrase,
+skillion, behind; two rough slab sheds, a few fruit trees past their
+prime, an acre of paddock, and beyond that illimitable bush.
+
+I bought the tiny place for a hundred and five pounds, influenced
+thereto in part by the fact that the daughter of its owner, a small
+'cockatoo' farmer's wife, lived no more than a quarter of a mile away;
+and was willing, for a modest consideration, to come in each day and
+'do' for me, to the extent of cooking one hot meal, washing dishes,
+and tidying my little gunyah. Thus, simply and swiftly, I became a
+landed proprietor, and was able to send to Sydney for my heavy
+chattels, knowing that, for the first time in my life, I actually
+possessed in my own right a roof to shelter them withal, though it
+were only of galvanised iron. (The use of stringy bark for the roofing
+of small dwellings seemed to have ceased since my last sojourn in
+these parts, the practical value of iron for rain-water catchment
+having thrust aside the cooler and more picturesque material.)
+
+In the township of Peterborough I secured, for the time being, the
+services of a decent, elderly man named Fetch--Isaiah Fetch--and
+together we set to work to make a garden before my little house; to
+fence it in against the attacks of bandicoots and wandering cattle,
+and to effect one or two small repairs, additions and improvements to
+the place. This manual work interested me, and, I dare say, bettered
+my health, though I was ashamed to note the poor staying power I had
+as compared with Isaiah Fetch, who, whilst fully ten years my senior,
+was greatly my superior in toughness and endurance.
+
+
+VI
+
+
+Wages for labour had soared and soared again since my day in
+Australia, even for elderly and 'down-along more than up-along 'men
+like Isaiah Fetch. (The phrase is his own.) And, in any case, I told
+myself, it was not for the likes of me to keep hired men. And so, when
+the garden was made, and the other needed work done, I parted with
+Isaiah--a good, honest, homespun creature, rich in a sort of bovine
+contentment which often moved me to sincere envy--and was left quite
+alone in my hermitage, save for the morning visit of perhaps a couple
+of hours, which the worthy Mrs. Blades undertook to pay for the
+purpose of tidying my rooms and cooking a midday meal for me. Her
+coming between nine and ten each morning, and going between twelve and
+one, formed the chief, if not the only, landmarks in the routine of my
+quiet days. So it was when I parted with Isaiah. So it is to-day, and
+so it is like to remain--while I remain.
+
+Parting with Isaiah Fetch made a good deal of difference to me; more
+difference than I should have supposed it possible that anything
+connected with so simple a soul could have made. The plain fact is, I
+suppose, that while Isaiah worked about the place here, I worked with
+him, in my pottering way. I developed quite an interest in my bit of
+garden, because of the very genuine interest felt in the making of it
+by Isaiah. I had worked at it with him; but, once he had left it, I
+regret to say the ordered ranks of young vegetables tempted me but
+little, and soon became disordered, for the reason that the war I
+waged against the weeds was but a poor, half-hearted affair. And so it
+was with other good works we had begun together. I gave up my cow,
+because it seemed far simpler to let Mrs. Blades have her for nothing,
+on the understanding that she brought me the daily trifle of milk I
+needed. I left the feeding and care of my few fowls to Mrs. Blades,
+and finally made her a present of them, after paying several bills for
+their pollard and grain. It seemed easier and cheaper to let Mrs.
+Blades supply the few eggs I needed.
+
+My horse Punch I kept, because we grew fond of each other, and the
+surrounding bush afforded ample grazing for him. When Punch began his
+habit of gently biting my arm or shoulder every time I led him here or
+there, he sealed his own fate; and now will have to continue living
+with his tamely uninteresting master willy nilly. Lovable, kindly,
+spirited beast that he is, I never could have afforded the purchase of
+his like but for a slight flaw in his near foreleg, which in some way
+spoils his action, from your horsey man's standpoint, and pleases me
+greatly, because it brought the affectionate rascal within my modest
+reach. I give him very little work, and rather too much food; but he
+has to put up with a good deal of my society, and holds long converse
+with me daily, I suppose because he knows no means of terminating an
+interview until that is my pleasure.
+
+One piece of outdoor work I have continued religiously, for the
+reason, no doubt, that I love wood fires, even in warm weather. I
+never neglect my wood-stack, the foundations of which were laid for me
+by Isaiah Fetch. Every day I take axe and saw and cut a certain amount
+of logwood. My hearth will take logs of just four feet in length, and
+I feed it royally. The wood costs nothing; when burning it is highly
+aromatic, and I like to be profuse with it; I who can recall an
+interminable London winter, in a garret full of leaks and draught
+holes, in which the only warming apparatus, besides the poor lamp that
+lighted my writing-table, was a miserable oil-stove, which I could not
+afford to keep alight except for the brief intervals during which it
+boiled my kettle for me.
+
+Yes, I know every speck and every cranny of my cavernous hearth, and
+it is rarely that it calls for any kindling wood of a morning. As a
+rule a puff from the bellows and a fresh log--one of the little
+fellows, no thicker than your leg, which I split for this purpose--is
+enough to set it on its way flaming and glowing for another day of
+comforting life. I often tell myself it would never do for me to think
+of giving up my hermitage and returning to England, because of Punch
+and my ever-glowing hearth; even if there were no other reasons, as of
+course there are.
+
+For, whilst the comparative zestfulness of the first months, when I
+worked with Isaiah Fetch to improve my rough-hewn little hermitage,
+may not have endured, yet are there many obvious and substantial
+advantages for me in the life I lead here, in this little bush
+back-water, where the few human creatures who know of my existence regard
+me as a poor, harmless kind of crank, and no one ever disturbs the
+current of my circling thoughts. Never was a life more free from
+interruptions from without. And if disturbance ever emanates from
+within, why, clearly the fault must be my own, and should serve as a
+reminder of how vastly uneasy my life would surely be in more
+civilised surroundings, where interruptions descend upon one from
+without, thick as smuts through the window of a London garret--save
+where the garreteer cares to do without air. Here I sit with a noble
+fire leaping at one end of my unlined, wooden room, and wide open
+doors and windows all about me. As regards climate, in New South Wales
+a man may come as near as may be to eating his cake and having it too.
+
+And, for that long-sought mental restfulness, content, peace, whatever
+one may call it, is not my present task a long step towards its
+attainment? A completed record of the fitful struggle one calls one's
+life, calmly studied in the light of reason untrammelled by sentiment,
+never interrupted by the call of affairs; surely that should bring the
+full measure of self-comprehension upon which peace is based! To doubt
+that contentment lies that way would be wretchedness indeed. But why
+should I doubt what the world's greatest sages have shown? True, my
+own experience of life has suggested that contentment is rather the
+monopoly of the simplest souls, whose understanding is very limited
+indeed. A stinging thought this, and apt to keep a man wakeful at
+night, if indulged. But I think it should not be indulged. To doubt
+the existence of a higher order of content than that of the blissfully
+ignorant is to brush aside as worthless and meaningless the best that
+classic literature has to offer us, and--such doubts are pernicious
+things.
+
+Living here in this clean, sweet air, so far removed from the external
+influences which make for fret and stress, my bodily health, at all
+events, has small excuse for failure one would suppose. And, indeed,
+at first it did seem to me that I was acquiring a more normal kind of
+hardihood and working efficiency in this respect. But I regret to say
+the supposition was not long-lived. Four or five months after my
+arrival here I took to my bed for a fortnight, as the result of one of
+the severest attacks I have ever had; and in the fifteen months which
+have elapsed since then, my general health has been very much what it
+was during the years before I left London, while the acute bouts of
+neuritis and gastric trouble, when they have come, have been worse, I
+think, than those of earlier years.
+
+But, none the less, without feeling it as yet, I may be building up a
+better general condition in this quiet life; and the bitterly sharp
+attacks that seize me may represent no more than a working off of
+arrears of penalties. I hope it may be so, for persistent ill-health
+is a dismal thing. But, as against that, I think I am sufficiently
+philosophic--how often that blessed word is abused by disgruntled
+mankind--to avoid hopes and desires of too extravagant a sort, and, by
+that token, to be safeguarded from the sharper forms of
+disappointment.
+
+Contentment depends, I apprehend, not upon obtaining possession of
+this or that, but upon the wise schooling of one's desires and
+requirements. My aims and desires in life--behind the achievement of
+which I have always fancied I discerned Contentment sitting as a
+goddess, from whose beneficent hands come all rewards--have naturally
+varied with the passing years. In youth, I suppose, first place was
+given to Position. Later, Art stood highest; later, again, Intellect;
+then Morality; and, finally. Peace, Tranquillity--surely the most
+modest, and therefore practical and hopeful of all these goals.
+
+
+VII
+
+
+The portion of my days here in the bush which I like best (when no
+bodily ill plagues me) is the very early morning. Directly daylight
+comes, while yet the sun's Australian throne is vacant--all hung about
+in cool, pearly draperies--I slip a waterproof over my pyjamas, having
+first rolled up the legs of these garments and thrust my feet into
+rubber half-boots, and wander out across the verandah, down through
+the garden patch, over the road, with its three-inch coating of sandy
+dust, and into the bush beyond, where every tiny leaf and twig and
+blade of grass holds treasure trove and nutriment, in the form of
+glistening dewdrops.
+
+The early morning in the coastal belt of New South Wales is rapture
+made visible and responsive to one's faculties of touch, and smell,
+and hearing. And yet---no. I believe I have used the wrong word. It
+would be rapture, belike, in a Devon coomb, or on a Hampshire hill-top.
+Here it is hardly articulate or sprightly enough for rapture.
+Rather, I should say, it is the perfection of pellucid serenity. It
+lacks the full-throated eternal youthfulness of dawn in the English
+countryside; but, for calmly exquisite serenity, it is matchless. To
+my mind it is grateful as cold water is to a heated, tired body. It
+smooths out the creases of the mind, and is wonderfully calming. Yet
+it has none of the intimate, heart-stirring kindliness of England's
+rural scenery. No untamed land has that. Nature may be grand,
+inspiring, bracing, terrifying, what you will. She is never simply
+kind and loving--whatever the armchair poets may say. A countryside
+must be humanised, and that through many successive generations,
+before it can lay hold upon your heart by its loving-kindness, and
+draw moisture from your eyes. It is not the emotionless power of
+Nature, but man's long-suffering patient toil in Nature's realm that
+gives our English country-side this quality.
+
+But my rugged, unkempt bush here is nobly serene and splendidly calm
+in the dawn hours. It makes me feel rather like an ant, but a well-doing
+and unworried ant. And I enjoy it greatly. As I stride among the
+drenching scrub, and over ancient logs which, before I was born, stood
+erect and challenged all the winds that blow, I listen for the sound
+of his bell, and then call to my friend Punch:
+
+'Choop! Choop! Choop, Punch! Come away, boy! Come away! Choop! Choop!'
+
+But not too loudly, and not at all peremptorily. For I do not really
+want him to come, or, at least, not too hurriedly. That would cut my
+morning pleasure short. No; I prefer to find Punch half a mile from
+home, and I think the rascal knows it. For sometimes I catch glimpses
+of him between the tree-trunks--we have myriads of cabbage-tree palms,
+tree-ferns, and bangalow palms, among the eucalypti hereabouts--and
+always, if we are less than a quarter of a mile or so from home, it is
+his rounded haunches that I see, and he is walking slowly away from
+me, listening to my call, and doubtless grinning as he chews his
+cud--a great ruminator is my Punch.
+
+At other times, when it chances that dawn has found him a full half
+mile from home, he does not walk away from me, but stands behind the
+bole of a great tree, looking round its side, listening, waiting, and
+studiously refraining from the slightest move in my direction, until I
+am within twenty paces of him. Then, with a loud whinny, rather like a
+child's 'Peep-bo!' in intent, I think, he will walk quickly up to me,
+wishing me the top of the morning, and holding out his head for the
+halter which I always carry on these occasions.
+
+In the first months of our acquaintance I used to clamber on to his
+back forthwith, and ride home. He knows I cannot quite manage that
+now, and so walks with me, rubbing at my shoulders the while with his
+grass-stained, dewy lips, till we see a suitable stump or log, from
+which I can conveniently mount him. Then, with occasional thrusts
+round of his head to nuzzle one of my ankles, or to snatch a tempting
+bit of greenery, he carries me home, and together--for he superintends
+this operation with the most close and anxious care, his foreparts
+well inside the feed-house--we mix his breakfast, first in an old
+four-gallon oil-can, and then in the manger, and I sit beside him and
+smoke a cigarette till the meal is well under weigh.
+
+I have made Punch something of a gourmand, and each meal has to
+contain, besides its foundation of wheaten chaff and its _piece de
+resistance_ of cracked maize, a flavouring of oats--say, three double
+handfuls--and a thorough sprinkling, well rubbed in, of bran. If the
+proportions are wrong, or any of the constituents of the meal lacking,
+Punch snorts, whinnies, turns his rump to the manger, and demands my
+instant attention. I was intensely amused one day when, sitting in the
+slab and bark stable, through whose crevices seeing and hearing are
+easy, to overhear the mail-man telling Mrs. Blades that, upon his Sam,
+I was for all the world like an old maid with her canary in the way I
+dry-nursed that blessed horse; by ghost, I was! He was particularly
+struck, was this good man, by my insane practice of sometimes taking
+Punch for a walk in the bush, as though he were a dog, and without
+ever mounting him.
+
+Punch provided for, my own ablutions are performed in the wood-shed,
+where I have learned to bathe with the aid of a sponge and a bucket of
+water, and have a shower worked by a cord connected with a perforated
+nail-can. By this time my billy-can is probably spluttering over the
+hearth, and I make tea and toast, after possibly eating an orange. And
+so the day is fairly started, and I am free to think, to read, to
+write, or to enjoy idleness, after a further chat with Punch when
+turning him out to graze. My wood-chopping I do either before
+breakfast or towards the close of the day; the latter, I think, more
+often than the former. It makes a not unpleasant salve for the
+conscience of a mainly idle man, after the super-fatted luxury of
+afternoon tea and a biscuit or scone.
+
+An Australian bushman would call my tea no more than water bewitched,
+and my small pinch of China leaves in an infuser spoon but a mean
+mockery of his own generous handful of black Indian leaves, well
+stewed in a billy to a strength suited for hide-tanning. Of this inky
+mixture he will cheerfully consume (several times a day) a quart, as
+an aid to the digestion of a pound or two of corned beef, with pickles
+and other deadly things, none of which seem to do him much harm. And
+if they should, the result rather amuses and interests him than
+otherwise; for, of all amateur doctors (and lawyers), he is the most
+enthusiastic and ingenuous. He will tell you (with the emphatic winks,
+nods, and gestures of a man of research who has made a wonderful
+discovery, and, out of the goodness of his heart, means to let you
+into the secret) of some patent medicine which is already advertised,
+generally offensively, in every newspaper in the land; and, having
+explained how it made a new man of him, will very likely insist with
+kindly tyranny upon buying you a flagon of the costly rubbish.
+
+'I assure you, Mr. Freydon, you won't know yourself after takin' a
+bottle or two of Simpkins's Red Marvel.' I agree cordially, well
+assured that in such a case I should not care to know myself. 'Why,
+there was a chap down Sydney way, Newtown I think it was he lived in,
+or it mighter bin Balmain. Crooil bad he was till they put him on to
+the Red Marvel. Fairly puzzled the doctors, he did, an' all et up with
+sores, somethin' horrible. Well, I tell you, I wouldn't be without a
+bottle in my camp. Sooner go without 'baccy. An', not only that, but
+it's such comfortin' stuff is the Red Marvel. Every night o' my life I
+takes a double dose of it now; sick or sorry, well or ill--an' look at
+me! I useter to swear by Blick's Backache Pills; but now, I wouldn't
+have them on me mind. They're no class at all, be this stuff. Give me
+Simpkins's Red Marvel, every time, an' I don't care if it snows! You
+try it, Mr. Freydon. I was worsen you afore I struck it; an' now, why,
+I wouldn't care to call the Queen me aunt!' (His father before him, in
+Queen Victoria's reign, had no doubt used this quaint phrase, and it
+was not for him to alter it because of any such trifling episodes as
+the accession of other sovereigns.)
+
+
+VIII
+
+
+I gladly abide by my word of yesterday. The portion of my days here in
+the bush which I like best is the dawn time. But the nights have their
+good, and--well--and their less good times, too. My evening meal is
+apt to be sketchy. There is a special vein of laziness in me which
+makes me shirk the setting out of plates and cutlery, and, even more,
+their removal when used; despite the fact that I have had, perhaps,
+rather more experience than most men of catering for myself. Hence,
+the evening meal is apt to be sketchy; a furtive and far from
+creditable performance, with the vessels of the midday meal for its
+background.
+
+Then, with a sense of relief, I shut the door upon that episode, and
+the evidences thereof, and betake me to the room which is really mine;
+where the big hearth is, and the camp-bed, and the writing-table, the
+books, and the big Ceylon-made lounge-chair. The first evening pipe is
+nearly always good; the second may be flavoured with melancholy, but
+yet is seldom unpleasing. The third--there are decent intervals
+between--bears me company in bed, with whatever book may be occupying
+me at the time. The first hour in the big chair and the first hour in
+bed are both exceedingly good when I am anything like well. I would
+not say which is the better of the two, lest I provoke a Nemesis. Both
+are excellent in their different ways.
+
+Nine times out of ten I can be asleep within half an hour of dousing
+the candle, and it is seldom I wake before three hours have passed.
+After that come hours of which it is not worth while to say much. They
+are far from being one's best hours. And then, more often than not,
+will come another blessed two hours, or even more, of unconsciousness,
+before the first purple grey forecasts of a new day call me out into
+the bush for my morning lesson in serenity: Nature's astringent
+message to egoists and all the sedentary, introspective tribe, that
+bids us note our own infinite insignificance, our utter and
+microscopical unimportance in her great scheme of things, and her
+sublime indifference to our individual lives; to say nothing of our
+insectile hopes, fears, imaginings, despairs, joys, and other forms of
+mental and emotional travail.
+
+It may or may not be evidence of mental exhaustion or indolence, but I
+notice that I have experienced here no inclination to read anything
+that is new to me. I have read a good deal under this roof, including
+a quite surprising amount of fiction; but nothing, I think, that I had
+not read before. During bouts of illness here, I have indulged in such
+debauches as the rereading of the whole of Hardy, Meredith, Stevenson,
+W. E. Henley's poems, and the novels of George Gissing, Joseph Conrad,
+and H. G. Wells. Some of the better examples of modern fiction have
+always had a special topographical appeal to me. I greatly enjoy the
+work of a writer who has set himself to treat a given countryside
+exhaustively. This, more even than his masterly irony, his philosophy,
+his remarkable fullness of mind and opulent allusiveness, has been at
+the root of the immense appeal Hardy's work makes to me. ('Q,' in a
+different measure, of course, makes a similar appeal.) Let the Wessex
+master forsake his countryside, or leave his peasants for gentlefolk,
+and immediately my interest wanes, his wonderful appeal fails.
+
+Since I have been here in the bush I have understood, as never before,
+the great and far-reaching popularity of Thomas Hardy's work among
+Americans. He gives so much which not all the wealth, nor all the
+genius of that inventive race, can possibly evolve out of their New
+World. But, upon the whole, I ought not to have brought my fine, tall
+rank of Hardy's here, still less to have pored over them as I have.
+There is that second edition of _Far From the Madding Crowd_ now, with
+its delicious woodcuts by H. Paterson. It is dated 1874--I was a boy
+then, newly arrived in this antipodean land--and the frontispiece
+shows Gabriel Oak soliciting Bathsheba: 'Do you happen to want a
+shepherd, ma'am?' No, I cannot say my readings of Hardy have been good
+for me here. There is _Jude the Obscure_ now, a masterpiece of
+heart-bowing tragedy that. And, especially insidious in my case, there
+are passages like this from that other tragedy in the idyllic vein,
+_The Woodlanders_:
+
+_Winter in a solitary house in the country, without society, is
+tolerable, nay, even enjoyable and delightful, given certain
+conditions; but these are not the conditions which attach to the life
+of a professional man who drops down into such a place by mere
+accident.... They are old association--an almost exhaustive
+biographical or historical acquaintance with every object, animate and
+inanimate, within the observer's horizon. He must know all about those
+invisible ones of the days gone by, whose feet have traversed the
+fields which look so grey from his windows; recall whose creaking
+plough has turned those sods from time to time; whose hands planted
+the trees that form a crest to the opposite hill; whose horses and
+hounds have torn through that underwood; what birds affect that
+particular brake; what bygone domestic dramas of love, jealousy,
+revenge, or disappointment have been enacted in the cottages, the
+mansions, the street, or on the green. The spot may have beauty,
+grandeur, salubrity, convenience; but if it lack memories it will
+ultimately pall upon him who settles there without opportunity of
+intercourse with his kind._
+
+No, that was not discreet reading for a dyspeptic man of letters,
+alone in a two-roomed gunyah in the midst of virgin bush, in a land
+where the respectably old dates back a score of years, the historic,
+say, fifty years, and 'the mists of antiquity' a bare century. One
+recollection inevitably aroused by such a passage brought to mind
+words comparatively recent, spoken by Mrs. Oldcastle:
+
+'In the Old World, even for a man who lives alone on a mountain-top,
+there is more of intellectuality--in the very atmosphere, in the
+buildings and roads, the hedges and the ditches--than the best cities
+of the New World have to offer.'
+
+Quite apart from its grimly ironic philosophy, the topography, the
+earthy quality--'take of English earth as much as either hand may
+rightly clutch'--of the Wessex master's work makes it indigestible
+reading for an exile of more than thirty or forty; unless, of course,
+he is of the fine and robust type, whose minds and constitutions
+function with the steadiness of a good chronometer, warranted for all
+climes and circumstances.
+
+But this mention of Hardy reminds me of a curious literary coincidence
+which I stumbled upon a few months ago. For me, at all events, it was
+a discovery. I was reading, quite idly, the story which should long
+since have been dramatised for the stage, _The Trumpet Major_,
+written, if I mistake not, in the early 'nineties. I came to chapter
+xxiii., which opens in this wise:
+
+_Christmas had passed. Dreary winter with dark evenings had given
+place to more dreary winter with light evenings. Rapid thaws had ended
+in rain, rain in wind, wind in dust. Showery days had come--the season
+of pink dawns and white sunsets...._
+
+This reading was part of my Hardy debauch. A week or two earlier I had
+been reading what I think was his first book, written a quarter of a
+century before _The Trumpet Major_. I refer to _Desperate Remedies_;
+with all its faults, an extraordinarily full and finished production
+for a first book. Now, with curiosity in my very finger-tips, I turned
+over the pages of this volume, reread no more than a week previously.
+I came presently upon chapter xii., and, following upon its first
+sentence, read these words:
+
+_Christmas had passed; dreary winter with dark evenings had given
+place to more dreary winter with light evenings. Thaws had ended in
+rain, rain in wind, wind in dust. Showery days had come--the period of
+pink dawns and white sunsets...._
+
+That (with a quarter of a century, the writing of many books, and the
+building up of a justly great and world-wide reputation between the
+two writings) strikes me as a singular, and, in a way, pleasing
+literary coincidence; singular, as a freak of subconscious memory for
+words, pleasing, as a verification in mature life of the writer's
+comparatively youthful observations of natural phenomena. I wonder if
+the author, or any others among his almost innumerable readers, have
+chanced to light upon this particular coincidence!
+
+Another writer of fiction, whose bent of mind, if sombre, was far from
+devoid of ironical humour, has occupied a deal of my leisure here--George
+Gissing. I rank him very high among the Victorian novelists.
+His work deserves a higher place than it is usually accorded by the
+critics. He was a fine story-teller, and for me (though their
+topographical appeal is not, perhaps, very obvious) his books are very
+closely packed with living human interest. But again, for such an one
+as myself, so situated, I would not say that a course of Gissing
+formed particularly wholesome or digestible reading. Here, for
+example, is a passage associated in my recollection with a night which
+was among the worst I have spent in this place:
+
+_He thought of the wretched millions of mankind to whom life is so
+barren that they must needs believe in a recompense beyond the grave.
+For that he neither looked nor longed. The bitterness of his lot was
+that this world might be a sufficing Paradise to him, if only he could
+clutch a poor little share of current coin...._
+
+No, for such folk as I, that was not good reading. But--and let this
+be my tribute to an author who won my very sincere esteem and
+respect--when morning had come, after a bad night, and I had had my dawn
+lesson from Nature, and my converse with Punch, I turned me to another
+volume of Gissing, and with a quieter mind read this:
+
+_Below me, but far off, is the summer sea, still, silent, its ever
+changing blue and green dimmed at the long limit with luminous noon-tide
+mist. Inland spreads the undulant vastness of the sheep-spotted
+downs; beyond them the tillage and the woods of Sussex weald, coloured
+like to the pure sky above them, but in deeper tint. Near by, all but
+hidden among trees in yon lovely hollow, lies an old, old hamlet, its
+brown roofs decked with golden lichen; I see the low church tower, and
+the little graveyard about it. Meanwhile, high in the heaven, a lark
+is singing. It descends, it drops to its nest, and I could dream that
+half the happiness of its exultant song was love of England...._
+
+That is his little picture of a recollection of summer. And then,
+returning to his realities of the moment, this miscalled 'savage'
+pessimist and 'pitiless realist' continues thus:
+
+_It is all but dark. For a quarter of an hour I must have been writing
+by a glow of firelight reflected on my desk; it seemed to me the sun
+of summer. Snow is still falling. I can see its ghostly glimmer
+against the vanishing sky. To-morrow it will be thick upon my garden,
+and perchance for several days. But when it melts, when it melts, it
+will leave the snow-drop. The crocus, too, is waiting, down there
+under the white mantle which warms the earth._
+
+But I would not say that even this was well-chosen reading for me--here
+in my bush hermitage--any more than is that masterpiece of
+Kipling's later concentration, _An Habitation Enforced_, followed by
+its inimitable _Recall_:
+
+  _I am the land of their fathers,
+    In me the virtue stays;
+  I will bring back my children
+    After certain days.
+
+  * * * * *
+
+  Till I make plain the meaning
+    Of all my thousand years--
+  Till I fill their hearts with knowledge,
+    While I fill their eyes with tears._
+
+No, nor yet, despite its healing potency in its own place, the same
+master craftsman's counsel to the whole restless, uneasy, sedentary
+brood among his countrymen:
+
+  _Take of English earth as much
+  As either hand may rightly clutch,
+  In the taking of it breathe
+  Prayer for all who lie beneath--
+  Lay that earth upon your heart,
+  And your sickness shall depart!
+  It shall mightily restrain
+  Over busy hand and brain,
+  Till thyself restored shall prove
+  By what grace the heavens do move._
+
+None of these good things are wholly good for me, here and now,
+because--because, for example, they recall a prophecy of Mrs.
+Oldcastle's, and the grounds upon which she based it.
+
+Who should know better than I, that if my life-long mental
+restlessness chances, when I am less well than usual, or darkness is
+upon me, to take the form of nostalgia, with clinging, pulling
+thoughts of England--never of the London I knew so well, but always of
+the rural England I knew so little, from actual personal experience,
+yet loved so well--who should know better than I (sinning against the
+light in the writing of this unpardonably involved sentence) that such
+restlessness, such nostalgia, are no more based upon reason than is a
+bilious headache. The philosopher should, and does, scorn such an itch
+of the mind, well knowing that were he foolish enough to let it affect
+his actions or guide his conduct he would straightway cease to be a
+philosopher, and become instead a sort of human shuttlecock, for ever
+tossing here and there, from pillar to post, under the unreasoning
+blows of that battledore which had been his mind. Nay, rather the
+strappado for me, at any time, than abandonment to foolishness so
+crass as this would be.
+
+Over and above all this I deliberately chose my 'way out,' and it is
+good. I am assured the life of this my hermitage is one better suited
+to the man I am to-day than any other life I could hope to lead
+elsewhere. The mere thought of such a fate as a return to the
+maelstrom of London journalism--is it not a terror to me, and a thing
+to chill the heart like ice? Here is peace all about me, at all
+events, and never a semblance of pretence or sham. And if I, my inner
+self, cannot find peace here, where peace so clearly is, what should
+it profit me to go seeking it where peace is not visible at all, and
+where all that is visible is turmoil, hurry, and fret?
+
+Australia is a good land. Its bush is beautiful; its men and women are
+sterling and kindly, and its children more blessed (even though,
+perhaps, rather more indulged) than the children of most other lands.
+For the wage-earner who earns his living by his hands, and purposes
+always to do so, I deliberately think this is probably the best
+country in all the world. It is his own country. He rules it in every
+sense of the word; and there is no class, institution, or individual
+exercising any mastery over him. Millionaires are scarce here, and so
+perhaps are men brilliant in any direction. But really poor folk,
+hungry folk, folk who must fight for bare sustenance, are not merely
+scarce--they are unknown in this land.
+
+That is a great thing to be able to say for any country, and surely
+one which should materially affect the peace of mind of every thinking
+creature in it. Whilst very human, and hence by no means perfect, the
+people of this country have about them a pervasive kindliness, which
+is something finer than simple good nature and hospitality. The people
+as a whole are sincerely possessed by guiding ideals of kindness and
+justice. The means by which they endeavour to bring about realisation
+of their ideals are, I believe, fundamentally wrong and mistaken in a
+number of cases. Their 'ruling' class is naturally new to the task of
+ruling, recruited as it is from trade union ranks. But they truly
+desire, as a people, that every person in their midst should be given
+a fair, sporting chance in life. 'A fair thing!' In three words one
+has the national ideal, and who shall say that it is not an admirable
+one, remembering that its foundation and mainspring are kindness, and
+if not justice, then desire for justice?
+
+'All this is very worthy, no doubt, but deadly dull. Does it not make
+for desperate attenuation on the artistic and intellectual side?
+Beautifully level and even, I dare say; like a paving stone, and about
+as interesting.'
+
+Thus, my old friend Heron in a recent letter. The dear fellow would
+smile if I told him he was a member of England's privileged classes.
+But it is true, of course. Well, Australia has no privileged classes--and
+no submerged class. I admit that the highest artistic and
+intellectual levels of the New World are greatly lower than the
+highest artistic and intellectual levels of the Old World. But what of
+the average level, speaking of the populace as a whole? How infinitely
+higher are Australia's lowest levels than the depths, the ultimate pit
+in Merry England!
+
+I am an uneasy, restless creature, mentally and bodily. I have not
+quite finished as yet the task, deliberation upon which, when it is
+completed, is to bring me rest and self-understanding. Vague hungers
+by the way are incidents of no more permanent importance than one's
+periodical colds in the head. To complain of intellectual barrenness
+in any given environment must surely be to confess intellectual
+barrenness in the complainant. I am well placed here in my bush
+hermitage. And, in short, _Je suis, je reste!_
+
+
+IX
+
+
+It is just thirteen days since I sat down before these papers, pen in
+hand; thirteen days since I wrote a word. A few months ago I suppose
+such delay would have worried me a good deal. To-day, for some reason,
+the fact seems quite unimportant, and does not distress me in the
+least. Have I then advanced so far towards self-comprehension as to
+have attained content of mind? Or is this merely the mental lethargy
+which follows bodily weakness and exhaustion? I do not know.
+
+I have been ill again. It is a nuisance having to send for a doctor,
+because his fees are extremely high, and he has to come a good long
+way. Also, I do not think the good man's visits are of the slightest
+service to me. I have been living for twelve days exclusively upon
+milk; a healing diet, I dare say, but I have come to weary of the
+taste and sight of it, and its effect upon me is the reverse of
+stimulation. But I am in no wise inclined to cavil, for I am entirely
+free from pain at the moment; the weather is perfectly glorious, and
+my neighbours, Blades and his wife, are in their homely fashion
+extremely kind to me.
+
+My one source of embarrassment is that Ash, the timber-getter in the
+camp across the creek, is continually bringing me expensive bottles of
+Simpkins's Red Marvel, his genuine kindness necessitating not only
+elaborate pretences of regularly consuming his pernicious specific for
+every human ill, from consumption and 'bad legs' to snake-bites, but
+also periodical discussions with him of all my confounded symptoms--a
+topic which wearies me almost to tears. Indeed, I prefer the symptoms
+of Ash's friend in Newtown--or was it Balmain?--who was 'all et up
+with sores, something horrible.'
+
+Notwithstanding the brilliant sunshine and cloudless skies of this
+month, the weather has been exquisitely fresh and cool, and my log
+fire has never once been allowed to go out, Blades, with the kindness
+of a man who can respect another's fads, having kept me richly
+supplied with logs. Mrs. Blades has been feeding Punch for me, and at
+least twice each day that genial rascal has neighed long and loudly at
+the slip-rails by the stable, as I believe in friendly greeting to me.
+I shall, no doubt, presently feel strong enough to walk out and have a
+talk with Punch.
+
+My last letter from Mrs. Oldcastle, written no more than a month ago--the
+mail service to Australia is improving--tells me that the park in
+London is looking lovely, all gay with spring foliage and blooms. She
+says that unless I intend being rude enough to falsify her prophecy, I
+must now be preparing to pack my bags and book my passage home. Home!
+Well, Ash, whose father like himself was born here, calls England
+'Home,' I find. This is one of the most lovable habits of the children
+of our race all over the world.
+
+But obviously it would be a foolish and stultifying thing for me to
+think of leaving my hermitage. I am not rich enough to indulge in what
+folk here call 'A trip Home.' And as for finally withdrawing from my
+'way out,' and returning to settle in England, how could such a step
+possibly be justified upon practical grounds? The circumstances which
+led me to leave England are fundamentally as they were. Mrs.
+Oldcastle-- But all that was thoroughly thought out before she left
+the _Oronta_ at Adelaide; and to-day I am less--less able, shall I
+say, than I was then?
+
+It is singular that these few days in bed should have stolen so much
+of my strength. The mere exertion, if that it may be called, of
+writing these few lines leaves me curiously exhausted; yet they have
+been written extraordinarily slowly for me. My London life made me a
+quick writer. I wonder if leisure and ease of mind would have made me
+a good one!
+
+I shall lay these papers aside for another day. Perhaps even for two
+or three days. Blades has kindly moved my bed for me to the side of
+the best window, which faces north-east; in the Antipodes, a very
+pleasant aspect. I shall not actually 'go to bed' again in the day-time,
+but I think I will lie on the bed beside that open window.
+Sitting upright at the table here I feel, not pain, but a kind of
+aching weakness which I escape when lying down.
+
+And yet, though not worried about it, I am rather sorry still farther to
+neglect this desultory task of mine, even for a day or two. The tree-tops
+are tossing bravely in the westerly wind this morning, and it is well
+that my banana clump has all the shelter of the gunyah, or its graceful
+leaves would suffer. The big cabbage palm outside the verandah makes a
+curious, dry, parchment-like crackling in the wind. But the three
+silver tree-ferns have a cool, swishing note, very pleasing to the
+ear; while for the bush trees beyond, theirs is the steady music of
+the sea on a sandy beach. I fancy this wind must be a shade too
+boisterous to be good for Blades's orange orchard. At all events it
+brings a strong citrus scent this way, after bustling across the side
+of Blades's hill.
+
+There can be no doubt about it that this mine hermitage is very
+beautifully situated. Any man of discernment should be well content
+here to bide. The air about me is full of a nimble sweetness, and as
+utterly free from impurity as the air one breathes in mid-ocean. More,
+it is impregnated by the tonic perfumes of all the myriad aromatic
+growths that surround my cottage. Men say the Australian bush is
+singularly soulless; starkly devoid of the elements of interest and
+romance which so strongly endear to the hearts of those dwelling there
+the countryside in such Old World lands as the England of my birth.
+Maybe. Yet I have met men, both native-born and alien-born, who have
+dearly loved Australia; loved the land so well as to return to it,
+even after many days.
+
+England! Of all the place names, the names of countries that the world
+has known, was ever one so simply magic as this--England? Surely not.
+How the tongue caresses it! In the past it has always seemed to me
+that the question of a man's place of birth was infinitely more
+significant and important than the mere matter of where he died, of
+where his bones were laid. And yet, even that matter of the
+resting-place for a man's bones.... Undoubtedly, there is magic in
+English earth. England! Thank God I was born in England!
+
+
+
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+
+Here the written record of my friend's life ends, though it clearly
+was not part of his design that this should be its end. Thanks to Mrs.
+Blades, I have a record of the date of Freydon's last writing. It came
+two days before his own end. He died alone, and, by the estimate of
+the doctor from Peterborough, at about daybreak. The doctor thought it
+likely that he passed away in his sleep; of all ends, the one he would
+have chosen.
+
+So far as my own observation informs me, the death of Nicholas Freydon
+was noted by no more than three English journals: two of the oldest
+morning newspapers in London, and that literary weekly which, despite
+the commercial fret and fume of our time, has so far preserved itself
+from the indignity of any attempted blending of books with
+haberdashery or 'fancy goods.' Had Freydon died in England, I
+apprehend that a somewhat larger circle of newspaper readers might
+have been advertised of the fact. But I would not willingly be
+understood to suggest any kind of reproach in this.
+
+It would probably be correct to say that the writings of Nicholas
+Freydon never have reached the many-headed public, whose favour gives
+an author's name weight in circulating libraries and among the
+gentlemen of 'The Trade.' He had no illusions on this point, and of
+late years at all events cherished no dreams of fame or immortality.
+But it is equally correct to say that he was genuinely a man of
+letters, and there is a circle of more or less fastidious readers who
+are aware that everything published under Freydon's name was, from the
+literary standpoint, worth while.
+
+For me the news of Freydon's end had something more than literary
+significance. There was a period during which we shared an office
+room, and I recall with peculiar satisfaction the fact that it was no
+kind of friction or difficulty between us which brought an end to that
+working companionship. The much longer period over which our
+friendship extended was marred by no quarrel, nor even by any lapse
+into mutual indifference. And it may be admitted, in all affectionate
+respect, that Freydon was not exactly of those who are said to 'get on
+with any one.'
+
+In the matter of my own recent journey to Australia, the thing which I
+looked forward to with keenest interest was the opportunity I thought
+it would afford me of seeing and talking with Freydon, in his chosen
+retreat in the Antipodes, and judging of his welfare there. And then,
+on the eve of my departure, came the news that he was no more.
+
+Under the modest roof which had sheltered him, on the coast of
+northern New South Wales, I presently spent two quiet and thoughtful
+weeks, given for the most part to the perusal of his papers, which,
+along with his other personal effects, he had bequeathed to me. (His
+remaining property was left to the friend whose name is given here as
+Sidney Heron.)
+
+Before I left that lonely, sunny spot, I had practically decided to
+pass on to such members of the reading world as might be interested
+therein what seemed to me the more salient and important of these
+papers: the bulky document which forms a record of its writer's life.
+Afterwards, as was inevitable, came much reflection, and at times some
+hesitancy. But, when all is done, and the proof sheets lie before me,
+my conviction is that I decided rightly out there in the bush; and
+that something is inherent in these last writings of Nicholas
+Freydon's which, properly understood, demands and deserves the test of
+publication. Therefore, they are made available to the public, in the
+belief that some may be the richer and the kindlier for reading them.
+
+But, for revising, altering, dove-tailing, or shaping these papers,
+with a view to the attainment of an orthodox form of literary
+production, whether in the guise of autobiography, life-story,
+dramatic fiction, or what not, I desire explicitly to disclaim all
+thought of such a pretension. As I see it, that would have been an
+impertinence. I cannot claim to know what Freydon's intentions may
+have been regarding the ultimate disposition of these papers, having
+literally no other information on the point than they themselves
+furnish. Needless to say they would not be published now if I had any
+kind of reason to believe, or to suspect, that my friend would have
+resented such a course.
+
+But I will say that, in the writing, I do not think Freydon had
+considered the question of publication. I do not think that in these
+last exercises of his pen he wrote consciously for the printer and the
+public. As those who know his published work are aware, he was much
+given to literary allusiveness and to quotation. In these papers such
+characteristic pages did occur, it is true, but in practically every
+case they had been scrawled over in pencil, and have been studiously
+omitted by me in my preparation of the manuscript for the press. Here
+and there it was clear that entire pages had been removed and
+apparently destroyed by their writer.
+
+Again, in this record, Freydon--always in his writings for the press,
+literary and journalistic, meticulous in the matter of constructive
+detail--clearly gave no thought to the arrangement of chapters or
+other divisions. He wrote of his life, as he has said, to enable
+himself to see it as a whole. For my part I have felt a natural
+delicacy about intruding so far as to introduce chapter headings or
+the like. It was easy for me to note the points at which the writer
+had laid aside his pen, presumably at the day's end, for there a
+portion of a sheet was left blank, and sometimes a zig-zag line was
+drawn. At these points then, where the writer himself paused, I have
+allowed the pause to appear. And this, in effect, represents the sum
+of my small contribution to the volume; for I have altered nothing,
+added nothing, and taken nothing away, beyond those previously
+mentioned passages (literary rather than documentary) which the
+author's own pencil had marked for deletion; the removal, where these
+occurred, of references to myself; and the substitution, where that
+seemed desirable, of imaginary proper names for the names of actual
+places and living people as written by my friend.
+
+Two other points, and the task which for me has certainly been a
+labour of love, is done.
+
+Nicholas Freydon was perfectly correct in his belief that he might
+have wooed and won the lady who is referred to in these pages as Mrs.
+Oldcastle. In this, as in other episodes of his life which happen to
+be known to me, the motives behind his self-abnegation were in the
+highest degree creditable to him. This I have been asked to say, and I
+am glad to say it.
+
+Among Freydon's papers was one which, for a time, greatly puzzled me.
+Once I had learned precisely what this paper meant, it became for me
+most deeply significant, knowing as I did that it must have been lying
+where I found it, in a drawer of Freydon's work-table, while he wrote,
+immediately before his last illness, the final sections of this work,
+including its penultimate chapter; including, therefore, such passages
+as these:
+
+_Over and above all this I deliberately chose my 'way out,' and it is
+good. I am assured the life of this my hermitage is one better suited
+to the man I am to-day than any other life I could hope to lead
+elsewhere.... And if I, my inner self, cannot find peace here, where
+peace so clearly is, what should it profit me to go seeking it where
+peace is not visible at all, and where all that is visible is turmoil,
+hurry, and fret.... And, in short, _Je suis, je reste!_ ... England!
+Of all the place names, the names of countries that the world has ever
+known, was ever one so simply magic as this--England? ..._
+
+This document was a certificate entitling Freydon to a passage to
+England by an Orient line steamer. Upon inquiry at the offices of the
+line in Sydney, I found that, twenty-eight days before his death, my
+friend had booked and paid for a passage to London. At his request no
+berth had been allotted, and no date fixed. But, by virtue of the
+payment then made, he was assured of a passage home when he should
+choose to claim it. To my mind this discovery was one of peculiar
+interest, considered in the light of the concluding pages of that
+record of Nicholas Freydon's thoughts and experiences which is
+presented in this volume.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON***
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