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diff --git a/30704.txt b/30704.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5c8461 --- /dev/null +++ b/30704.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13316 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Record of Nicholas Freydon, by A. J. +(Alec John) Dawson + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Record of Nicholas Freydon + An Autobiography + + +Author: A. J. (Alec John) Dawson + + + +Release Date: December 18, 2009 [eBook #30704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON*** + + +E-text prepared by Clare Graham from page images generously made available +by Internet Archive (http://www.archive.org) + + + +Note: Images of the original pages are available through + Internet Archive. See + http://www.archive.org/details/recordofnicholas00daws + + + + + +THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON + +An Autobiography + +[A novel by Alec John Dawson] + + + + + + + +This etext prepared from the first edition published in 1914 by +Constable and Company Ltd, London. + + + + +EDITOR'S PREFATORY NOTE + +It would ill become any writer to adopt an apologetic tone in +introducing the work of another pen than his own, and indeed I have no +thought of _apologia_ where Nicholas Freydon's writing is concerned. +On the contrary, it is out of respect for my friend's quality as a +writer that I am moved to a word of explanation here. It is this: +there are circumstances, sufficiently indicated I think in the text of +the book and my own footnote thereto, which tended to prevent my +performance of those offices for my friend's work which are usually +expected of one who is said to edit. It would be more fitting, I +suppose, if a phrase were borrowed from the theatrical world, and this +record of a man's life were said to be 'presented' rather than +'edited,' by me. I am advised to accept the editorial title in this +connection, but it is the truth that the book has not been edited at +all, in the ordinary acceptance of the term. A few purely verbal +emendations have been made in it, but Nicholas Freydon's last piece of +writing has never been revised, nor even arranged in deference to +accepted canons of book-making. It is given here as it left the +author's pen, designed, not for your eye or mine, but for that of its +writer, to be weighed and considered by him. But that weighing and +consideration it has not received. + +So much I feel it incumbent upon me to say, as the avowed sponsor for +the book, in order that praise and blame may be rightly apportioned. +Touching the inherent value of this document, nothing whatever is due +to me. Any criticism of its arrangement, or lack of arrangement, to be +just, should be levelled at myself alone. + + + + +CONTENTS + + +INTRODUCTORY + +CHILDHOOD--ENGLAND + +BOYHOOD--AUSTRALIA + +YOUTH--AUSTRALIA + +MANHOOD--ENGLAND: FIRST PERIOD + +MANHOOD--ENGLAND: SECOND PERIOD + +THE LAST STAGE + +EDITOR'S NOTE + + + + +THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON + + +INTRODUCTORY + + +Back there in London--how many leagues and aeons distant!--I threw +down my pen and fled here to the ends of the earth, in pursuit of rest +and self-comprehending peace of mind. Here I now take up the pen again +and return in thought to London: that vast cockpit; still in pursuit +of rest and self-comprehending peace of mind. + +That seems wasteful and not very hopeful. But, to be honest--and if +this final piece of pen-work be not honest to its core, it certainly +will prove the very acme of futility--I must add the expression of +opinion that most of the important actions of my life till now have +had the self-same goal in view: peace of mind. The surprising thing is +that, right up to this present, every one of my efforts has been +backed by a substantial if varying amount of solid conviction; of +belief that that particular action would bring the long-sought reward. +I suppose I thought this in coming here, in fleeing from London. Nay, +I know I did. + +The latest, and I suppose the last, illusion bids me believe that if, +using the literary habit of a lifetime, I can set down in ordered +sequence the salient facts and events of that restless, struggling +pilgrimage I call my life, there is a likelihood that, seeing the +entire fabric in one piece, I may be able truly to understand it, and, +understanding it, to rest content before it ends. The ironical habit +makes me call it an illusion. In strict truth I listen to the call +with some confidence; not, to be sure, with the flaming ardour which +in bygone years has set me leaping into action in answer to such a +call; yet with real hope. + +It is none so easy a task, this exact charting out of so complex a +matter as a man's life. And it may be that long practice of the +writer's art but serves to heighten its difficulties. For example, +since writing the sentence ending on that word 'hope,' I have covered +two whole pages with writing which has now been converted into ashes +among the logs upon my hearth. For the covering of those pages two +volumes had been fingered and referred to, if you please, and my +faulty memory drawn upon for yet a third quotation. So much for the +habit of literary allusiveness, engrained into one by years of +book-making, and yet more surely, I suspect, by labour for hire on the +newspaper press. + +But, though I have detected and removed these two pages of +irrelevance, I foresee that unessential and therefore obscurantic +matter will creep in. Well, when I come to weigh the completed record, +I must allow for that; and, meanwhile, so far as time and my own +limitations as selector permit, I will prune and clear away from the +line of vision these weeds of errant fancy. For the record must of all +things be honest and comprehensive; rather than shapely, effective, or +literary. To be sure the pundits would say that this is to misuse and +play with words; to perpetrate a contradiction in terms. Well, we +shall see. Whatever the critics might say, your author by profession +would understand me well enough when I say: 'Honest, rather than +literary.' + +How, to begin with, may I label and describe my present self? There, +immediately, I am faced with one of the difficulties of this task. One +can say of most men that they are this or that; of this class, order, +sect, party, or type; and, behold them neatly docketed! But in all +honesty I cannot say that I am of any special class, or that I +'belong' anywhere in particular. There is no circle in any community +which is indefeasibly my own by right of birth and training. I am +still a member of two London clubs, I believe. They were never more +than hotels for me. I am probably what most folk call a gentleman; but +how much does that signify in the twentieth century? Many simple +people would likely call me a person of education, even of learning, +belike, seeing a list of books under my name. A schoolman who examined +me would be pardoned (by me, at all events) for calling me an +ignoramus of no education whatever. For--and this I never reflected +upon until the present moment--I could not for the life of me +'analyse' the simplest sentence, in the rather odd scholastic sense of +that word. Inherited instinct and long practice make me aware, I +believe, of an error in syntax, when I chance upon one. But I could +only tell you that it was wrong, and never how or why. I know +something of literature, but less of mathematics than I assume to be +known by the modern ten-year-old schoolboy; something of three or four +languages, but nothing of their grammar. I have met and talked with +some of the most notable people of my time, but truly prefer cottage +life before that of the greatest houses. And so, in a score of other +ways, I feel it difficult informingly and justly to label myself. + +But--let me have done with difficulties and definitions. My task shall +be the setting forth of facts, out of which definitions must shape +themselves. And, for a beginning, I must turn aside from my present +self, pass by a number of dead selves, each differing in a thousand +ways from every other, and bring my mind to bear for the moment upon +that infinitely remote self: the child, Nicholas Freydon. It may be +that curious and distant infant will help to explain the man. + + + + +CHILDHOOD--ENGLAND + + +I + + +The things I remember about my earliest infancy are not in the least +romantic. + +First, I think, come two pictures, both perfectly distinct, and both +connected with domestic servants. The one is of a firelit interior, +below street level: an immense kitchen, with shining copper vessels in +it, an extremely hot and red fire, and a tall screen covered over with +pictures. An enormously large woman in a blue and white print gown +sits toasting herself before the fire; and a less immense female, in +white print with sprays of pink flowers on it, is devoting herself to +me. This last was Amelia; a cheerful, comely, buxom, and in the main +kindly creature, as I remember her. In the kitchen was a well-scrubbed +table of about three-quarters of a mile in length, and possessed of as +many legs as a centipede, some of which could be moved to support +flaps. (To put a measuring-tape over that table nowadays, or over +other things in the kitchen, for that matter, might bring +disappointment, I suppose.) These legs formed fascinating walls and +boundaries for a series of romantic dwelling-places, shops, caves, and +suchlike resorts, among which a small boy could wander at will, when +lucky enough to be allowed to visit this warm apartment at all. The +whole place was pervaded by an odour indescribably pleasing to my +infantile nostrils, and compact of suggestions of heat acting upon +clean print gowns, tea-cakes done to a turn, scrubbed wood, and hot +soap-suds. + +But the full ecstasy of a visit to this place was only attained when I +was lifted upon the vast table by the warm and rosy Amelia, and +allowed to leap therefrom into her extended arms; she rushing toward +me, and both of us emitting either shrill or growling noises as the +psychological moment of my leap was reached. At the time I used to +think that springing from a trapeze, set in the dome of a great +building, into a net beneath, must be the most ravishing of all joys; +but I incline now to think that my more homely feat of leaping into +Amelia's warm arms was, upon the whole, probably a pleasanter thing. + +This memory is of something which I believe happened fairly +frequently. My other most distinct recollection of what I imagine to +have been the same period in history is of a visit, a Sunday afternoon +visit, I think, paid with Amelia. I must have been of tender years, +because, though during parts of the journey I travelled on my own two +feet, I recollect occasional lapses into a perambulator, as it might +be in the case of an elderly or invalid person who walks awhile along +a stretch of level sward, and then takes his ease for a time in +victoria or bath-chair. + +I remember Amelia lifting me out from my carriage in the doorway of +what I regarded as a very delightful small house, redolent of strange +and exciting odours, some of which I connect with the subsequent gift +of a slab of stuff that I ate with gusto as cake. My mature view is +that it was cold bread-pudding of a peculiarly villainous clamminess. +It is interesting to note that my delight in this fearsome dainty was +based upon its most malevolent quality: the chill consistency of the +stuff, which made it resemble the kind of leathery jelly that I have +seen used to moisten the face of a rubber stamp withal. + +In this house--it was probably in a slum, certainly in a mean +street--one stepped direct from the pavement into a small kitchen, +where an elderly man sat smoking a long clay pipe. A covered stairway +rose mysteriously from one side of this apartment into the two +bedrooms above. A door beside the stairway opened into a tiny scullery, +from which light was pretty thoroughly excluded by the high, black wall +which dripped and frowned no more than three feet away from its +window. I have little doubt that this scullery was a pestilent place. +At the time it appealed to my romantic sense as something rather +attractive. + +The elderly man in the kitchen was Amelia's father. That in itself +naturally gave him distinction in my eyes. But, in addition, he was an +old sailor, and, with a knife which was attached to a white lanyard, +he could carve delightful boats (thoroughly seaworthy in a wash-hand +basin) out of ordinary sticks of firewood. It is to be noted, by the +way, a thing I never thought of till this moment, that these same +sticks and bundles of firewood have a peculiarly distinctive smell of +their own. It is the smell of a certain kind of grocer's shop whose +proprietor, for some esoteric reason, calls himself an 'Italian +warehouse-man.' In later life I occasionally visited such a shop, +between Fleet Street and the river, when I had rooms in that locality. + +Boat-building figured largely in that visit to Amelia's parents. (The +girl had a mother; large, flaccid, and, on this occasion, partly +dissolved in tears.) But the episode immediately preceding our +departure is what overshadowed everything else for me that day, and +for several subsequent nights. Amelia and the tearful mother took me +up the dark little stairway, and introduced me to Death. They showed +me Amelia's sister, Jinny, who died (of consumption, I believe) on the +day before our visit. I still can see the alabaster white face, with +its pronounced vein-markings; the straight, thin form, outlined +beneath a sheet, in that tiny, low-ceiled, airless garret. What a +picture to place before an infant on a sunny Sunday afternoon! It +might be supposed that I had asked to see it, for I remember Amelia +saying, as one about to give a child a treat: + +'Now, mind, Master Nicholas, you're to be a very good boy, and you're +not to say a word about it to any one.' + +But, no, I do not think I can have desired the experience, for to this +day I cherish a lively recollection of the agony of sick horror which +swam over me when, in obedience to instructions given, I suffered my +lips to touch the marble-like face of the dead girl. + +How strange is that unquestioning obedience of childhood! Recognition +of it might well give pause to careless instructors of youth. The kiss +meant torture to me, in anticipation and in fact. But I was bidden, +and never dreamed of refusing to obey. No doubt, there was also at +work in me some dim sort of infantile delicacy. This was an occasion +upon which a gentleman could have no choice.... + +Ah, well, I believe Amelia was a dear good soul, and I am sure I hope +she married well, and lived happily ever after. I have no recollection +whatever of how or when she drifted out of my life. But the visit to +Jinny's deathbed, and the exciting leaps from the immeasurably long +kitchen table into Amelia's print-clad arms, are things which stand +out rather more clearly in my recollection than many of the events of, +say, twenty years later. + + +II + + +How is it that my earliest recollections should centre about folk no +nearer or dearer to me than domestic servants? I know that my mother +died within three months of my birth. There had to be, and was, +another woman in my life before Amelia; but I have no memories of her. +She was an aunt, an unmarried sister of my mother's; but I believe my +father quarrelled with her before I began to 'take notice' very much; +and then came Amelia. + +The large underground kitchen really was fairly big. I had a look at +it no more than a dozen years ago. The house, too, was and is a not +unpleasing one, situated within a stone's throw of Russell Square, +Bloomsbury. Its spaces are ample, its fittings solidly good, and its +area less subterranean than many. Near by is a select livery stable +and mews of sub-rural aspect, with Virginia creeper climbing over a +horse's head in stucco. Amelia shared with me a night nursery and a +nursery-living room in this house, the latter overlooking the mews, +through the curving iron rails of a tiny balcony. Below us my father +occupied a small bedroom and a large sitting-room, the latter being +the 'first floor front.' + +At this time, and indeed during all the period of my first English +memories--say, eight years--my father was engaged in journalistic +work. I know now that he had been called to the bar, a member of +Lincoln's Inn; but I do not know that he ever had a brief. He gave +some years, I believe, to coaching and tutoring. I remember seeing, +later in my boyhood, a tattered yellow prospectus which showed that he +once delivered certain lectures on such subjects as 'Mediaeval English +Poetry.' In my time I gather that my father called no man master or +employer, but was rather the slave of a number of autocrats in Fleet +Street. 'The office,' as between Amelia and myself, may have meant all +Fleet Street. But my impression now is that it meant the building then +occupied by the ----. (Here figures the name of one of London's oldest +morning newspapers.--Ed.) And, it may be, the ---- Club; for I have +reason to believe that my father did much of his work at his club. I +have even talked there with one member at least who recollected this +fact. + +But the memory of my father as he was in this early period is +curiously vague. It would seem that he produced no very clear +impression on my mind then. Our meetings were not very frequent, I +think. As I chiefly recall them, they occurred in the wide but rather +dark entrance hall, and were accompanied by conversation confined to +Amelia and my father. At such times he would be engaged in polishing +his hat, sometimes with a velvet pad, and sometimes on his +coat-sleeve. I used to hear from him remarks like these: + +'Well, keep him out of doors as much as possible, so long as it +doesn't rain. Eh? Oh, well, you'd better buy another. How much will it +be? I will send up word if I am back before the boy's bed-time.' + +And then he might turn to me, after putting on his hat, and absently +pull one of my ears, or stroke my nose or forehead. His hands were +very slender, warm, and pleasantly odorous of soap and tobacco. 'Be a +good man,' he would say. And there the interview ended. He never said: +'Be a good child'; always 'a good man'; and sometimes he would repeat +it, in a gravely preoccupied way. + +Once, and, so far as I remember, only once, we met him out-of-doors; +in the park, it was, and he took us both to the Zoological Gardens, +and gave us tea there. (Yellowish cake with white sugar icing over it +has ever since suggested to me the pungent smell of monkey-houses and +lions' cages.) The meeting was purely accidental, I believe. + +It must have been in about my ninth year, I fancy, that I began really +to know something of my father, as a man, rather than as a sort of +supernatural, hat-polishing, He-who-must-be-obeyed. We had a small +house of our own then, in Putney; and the occasion of our first coming +together as fellow-humans was a shared walk across Wimbledon Common, +and into Richmond Park by the Robin Hood Gate. The period was the +'sixties of last century, and I had just begun my attendance each day +at a local 'Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.' To us, in the Academy, +my father descended as from Olympus, while the afternoon was yet +young, and carried me off before the envious eyes of my fellow +sufferers and what I felt to be the grudging gaze of the usher, who +had already twice since dinner-time severely pulled my ears, because +of some confusion that existed in my mind between Alfred and his burnt +cakes and Canute and his wet feet. (As I understood it, Canute sat on +the beach upon one of those minute camp-stools which mothers and +nurses used at the seaside before the luxurious era of canopied +hammock chairs.) + +In my devious childish fashion, I presently gathered that there had +been momentous doings in London town that day, and that in the upshot +my father had terminated his connection with the famous newspaper from +which the bulk of his earnings had been drawn for some years. For a +little while I fancied this must be almost as delightful for him as my +own unexpected escape from the Academy that afternoon had been for me. +But, gradually, my embryo intelligence rejected this theory, and I +became possessed of a sense of grave happenings, almost, it might be, +of catastrophe. Quite certainly, my father had never before talked to +me as he did that summer afternoon in Richmond Park. His vein was, for +him, somewhat declamatory, and his unusual gestures impressed me +hugely. It is likely that at times he forgot my presence, or ceased, +at all events, to remember that his companion was his child. His +massive, silver-headed malacca cane did great execution among the +bracken, I remember. + +(I had been rather pleased for my school-mates to have had an +opportunity of observing this stick, and had regretted the absence of +my father's usual hat, equal in refulgence to the cane. Evidently, he +had called at the house and changed his head-gear before walking up to +the Academy, for he now wore the soft black hat which he called his +'wideawake.') + +That he was occasionally conscious of me his monologue proved, for it +included such swift, jerky sentences as: + +'Remember that, my son. Have nothing to do with this accursed trade of +ink-spilling. Literary work! God save the mark!' (I wondered what +particular ink 'mark' this referred to.) 'The purse-proud wretches +think they buy your soul with their starveling cheques. Ten years' use +of my brain; ten years wasted in slavish pot-boiling for them; and +then--then, this!' + +'This,' I imagine, was dismissal; accepted resignation, say. I +gathered that my father had been free to do his work where he chose; +that he had used the newspaper office only as a place in which to +consult with his editor before writing; and that now some new broom in +the office was changing all that; that my father had been bidden to +attend a certain desk during stated hours to perform routine work each +day; that he had protested, refused, and closed his connection with +the journal, after a heated interview with some managerial bashaw. + +In the light of all I now know, I apprehend that my father had just +been brought into contact with the first stirrings of those radical +changes which revolutionised the London world of literature and +journalism during the last three decades of the nineteenth century. +The Board School had not quite arrived, but the social revolution was +at hand; and, there among the bracken in Richmond Park, my father with +his malacca cane was defying the tide--like my friend of the +camp-stool: Canute. Remembered phrases like: 'Underbred little clerk!'; +'His place is the counting-house, and ---- [the editor] should have +known better than to leave us at the mercy of this impudent cad,' +convince me that my father's wrath was in great part directed less +against an individual than a social movement or tendency. + +Much that my father said that afternoon would probably have a +ridiculous seeming in this twentieth century. Compulsory education and +the aesthetic movement, not to mention the Labour Party, Tory +Democrats, and the Halfpenny Press, were as yet undiscovered delights +when my father talked to me in Richmond Park. A young man of to-day, +reading or listening to such words, would almost certainly be misled +by them regarding the character and position of the speaker. My father +was no scion of a noble house, but the only son of a decayed merchant. +His attitude of mind and disposition, however, were naturally somewhat +aristocratic, I think. Also, as I have said, our talk was in the +'sixties. He was sensitive, very proud, inclined, perhaps, to +scornfulness, certainly to fastidiousness, and one who seldom suffered +fools either gladly or with much show of tolerance. It was a somewhat +unfortunate temperament, probably, for a man situated as he was, +possessed of no private means and dependent entirely upon his +earnings. In my mother, I believe he had married a lady of somewhat +higher social standing than his own, who never was reconciled to the +comparatively narrow and straitened circumstances of her brief +wifehood. + +'The people who have to do with newspapers are the serfs and the +prostitutes of literature. It was not always so, but I've felt it +coming for some time now. It is the growing dominion of the City, of +commerce, of their boasted democracy. The People's Will! Disgusting +rubbish! How the deuce should these office-bred hucksters know what is +best? But, I tell you, my boy, that it is they who are becoming the +masters. There is no more room in journalism for a gentleman; +certainly not for literary men and people of culture. They think it +will pay them better to run their wretched sheets for the proletariat. +We shall see. Oh, I am better out of it, of course. I see that +clearly; and I am thankful to be clear of their drudgery.' (My +listening mind brightened.) 'But yet--there's your education to be +thought of. Expenses are--And, of course--H'm!' (Clouds shadowed my +outlook once more.) 'This pitiful anxiety to cling to the safety of a +salary is humiliating--unworthy of one's manhood. Good heavens! why +was I born, not one of them, and yet dependent on the caprices of such +people?' + +It may be filial partiality, but something makes me feel genuinely +sorry for my father, as I look back upon that outpouring of his in +Richmond Park. And that was in the 'sixties. I wonder how the +twentieth-century journalism would have struck him. The later +subtleties of unadmitted advertising, the headline, the skittishly +impressionistic descriptive masterpieces of 'our special +representative,' and the halfpenny newspapers, were all unthought-of +boons, then. And as for the advancing democracy of his prophecies, +why, there were quite real sumptuary laws of a sort still holding sway +in the 'sixties, and well on into the 'eighties, for that matter! + +We walked home from the Roehampton Gate, and in some respects I was no +longer quite a child when I climbed into bed that night. + + +III + + +In my eyes, at all events, there was a kind of a partnership between +my father and myself from this time onward. Before, there had been +three groups in my scheme of things: upon the one hand, Amelia (or her +successor) and myself, with, latterly, some of the people of the +Putney Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen; in another and quite +separate compartment, my father; and, finally, the rest of the world. +Gradually, now, I came to see things rather in this wise: upon the one +hand, my father and myself, with, perhaps, a few other folk as +satellites; and, on the other hand, the rest of the world. + +And at this early stage I began to regard the world--every one outside +our own small camp--in an antagonistic light, as a hostile force, as +the enemy. Life was a battle in which the odds were fearfully uneven; +for it was my father and myself against the world. Needless to say, I +did not put the matter to myself in those words; but at this precise +period I am well assured that I acquired this attitude of mind. It +dated from the admittance into partnership with my father, which was +signalised by the walk and talk among the bracken in Richmond Park. + +I ought to say that I had always had a great admiration for my father. +He seemed to me clearly superior in a thousand ways to other men. But +never before the Richmond episode had there been personal sympathy, +nor yet any loyal feeling of fellowship, mingled with this admiration. + +I remember very distinctly the pride I felt in my father's personal +appearance. He was not a dandy, I think; but there was a certain quiet +nicety and delicacy about his dress and manner which impressed me +greatly. The hair about his ears and temples was silvery grey; one of +the marks of his superiority, in my eyes. He always raised his hat in +leaving a shop in which a woman served; his manner of accepting or +tendering an apology among strangers was very grand indeed. In +saluting men in the street, he had a spacious way of raising his +malacca stick which, to this day, would charm me, were it possible to +see such a gesture in these rushing times. The photograph before me as +I write proves that my father was a handsome man, but it does not show +the air of distinction which I am assured was his. And, let me record +here the fact that, whatever might be thought of the wisdom or +otherwise of his views or actions, I never once knew him to be guilty +of an act of vulgar discourtesy, nor of anything remotely resembling +meanness. + +In these days it is safe to say that the very poorest toiler's child +has more of schooling than I had, and, doubtless, a superior sort of +schooling. I spent rather less than a year and a half at the Putney +Academy, and that was the beginning and the end of my schooling. +Before being introduced to the Academy, I was a fairly keen reader; +and that remained. At the Academy I was obliged to write in a copy-book, +and to commit to memory sundry valueless dates. There may have +been other acquisitions (irrespective of ear-tweakings and various +cuts from a vicious little cane), but I have no recollection of them; +and, to this day, the simplest exercises of everyday figuring baffle +me the moment I take a pencil in my hand. If I cannot arrive at +solution 'in my head' I am done, and many a minor monetary loss have I +suffered in consequence. + +I trust I am justified in believing that to-day there are no such +schools left in England as that Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen, in +Putney. As a training establishment it was more suitable, I think, for +the sons of parrots or rabbits. I never even learned to handle a +cricket bat or ball there. Neither, I think, did any of my +contemporaries in that futile place. The headmaster and proprietor was +a harassed and disappointed man, who exhausted whatever energies he +possessed in interviewing parents and keeping up appearances. His one +underpaid usher was a young man of whom I remember little, beyond his +habit of pulling my ears in class, and the astoundingly rich crop of +pimples on his face, which he seemed to be always cultivating with +applications of cotton-wool, plaster, and nasty stuff from a flat +white jar. His mind, I verily believe, was as innocent of thought as a +cabbage. When sent to play outdoor games with us, and instruct us in +them, he always reclined on the grass, or sat on a gate, reading the +_Family Herald_, or a journal in whose title the word 'Society' +figured; except on those rare occasions when his employer came our way +for a few moments. Then, cramming his book into his pocket, the poor +pimply chap would plunge half hysterically into our moody ranks +(forgetful probably of what we were supposed to be playing) with +muttered cries of: 'Now then, boys! Put your heart into it!' and the +like. 'Put your heart into it!' indeed! Poor fellow; he probably was +paid something less than a farm labourer's wage, and earned +considerably less than that. + +No, any education which I received in boyhood must have come to me +from my father; and that entirely without any set form of instruction, +but merely from listening to his talk, and asking him questions. Also, +the books I read were his property; and I do not recall any trash +among them. It was the easiest thing in the world to evade the +'home-work' set me by the usher, and I consistently did so. As a rule, he +was none the wiser, and when he did detect me, the results rarely went +beyond perfunctory ear-pulling; a cheap price for free evenings, I +thought. The usher was frankly sick of us all, and of his employment, +too; and I do not wonder at it, seeing that he was no more equipped +for his work than for administering a state. He never had been trained +to discharge any function in life whatever. How then could he be +expected to know how to train us? + +Withal, I somehow did acquire a little knowledge, and the rudiments of +some definite tastes and inclinations, during this period. Recently, +in London, I have once or twice endeavoured to probe the minds of +County Council schoolboys of a similar age, with a view to comparing +the sum of their knowledge with my own in those Putney days. And, +curious though it seems, it does certainly appear to me that the +comparison was never to the advantage of the modern boy; though I am +assured he must enjoy the benefits of some kind of thought-out +educational system. I certainly did not. These things partake of the +nature of mysteries. + +I suppose the successive servant maids who chiefly controlled my early +childhood must have been more ignorant than any member of their class +in post-Board School days. Yet it seems beyond question clear to me +that such beginnings of a mind as I possessed at the age of ten, such +mental tendencies as I was beginning to show, were at all events more +hopeful, more rational, better worth having, than those I have been +able to discern in the twentieth-century London office boy, fresh from +his palatial County Council School. I may be quite wrong, of course, +but that is how it appears to me--despite all the uplifting influences +of halfpenny newspapers, and picture theatres, and the forward march +of democracy. + +Then there is that notable point, the question of speech; the vehicle +of mental expression and thought transference. Between the ages of one +year and nine years, society for me was confined almost exclusively to +servant girls. From their lips it was that I acquired the faculty of +speech. Yet I am certain that the boy who walked in Richmond Park with +my father in the 'sixties spoke in his dialect, and not in that of +Cockney nursemaids. Why was that? If my father ever corrected my +speech it was upon very rare occasions. I remember them perfectly. +They were not such corrections as would very materially affect a lad's +accent or choice of words. + +Having read a good deal more than I had conversed, I was mentally +familiar with certain words which I never had happened to have heard +pronounced. One instance I recall. (It was toward the end of my +Academy period.) I had occasion to read aloud some passage to my +father, and it included the word 'inevitable,' which in my innocence I +pronounced with the accent on the third syllable. Up went my father's +eyebrows. 'Inev_it_able,' he mimicked, with playful scorn. And that +was all. He offered no correction. I recall that I was covered in rosy +confusion, and, guessing rightly, by some happy chance (or unconscious +recollection) hit upon the conventional pronunciation, never to forget +it. But, judged by any scholastic standard I ever heard expounded, +there is no doubt about it, I was, and for that matter am, a veritable +ignoramus. + +During all the year which followed the beginning of intimacy between +us, my impression is that my father was increasingly worried and +depressed. Children have a shrewder consciousness of these things than +many of their elders suppose; and I was well aware that things were +not going well with my father. I saw more of him, and missed no +opportunities of obtaining his companionship. He, for his part, saw a +good deal less of other people, I fancy, and lost no opportunity of +avoiding intercourse with his contemporaries. He brooded a great deal; +and was very fitful in his reading, writing, and correspondence. I +began to hear upon his lips significant if vague expressions of his +desire to 'Get away from all this'; to 'Get out of this wretched +scramble'; to 'Find a way out of it all.' + +And then with bewildering suddenness came the first big event of my +career; the event which, I suppose, was chiefly responsible also for +its latest episode. + + +IV + + +No doubt one reason why our migration to Australia seemed so +surprisingly sudden a step to me was that the preliminaries were +arranged without my knowledge. Apart from this, I believe the step was +swiftly taken. + +My father had no wife or family to consider. I do not think there was +a single relative left, beside myself, with whom he had maintained +intercourse of any kind. Our household effects were all sold as they +stood in the house, to a singularly urbane and gentlemanly old dealer +in such things, a Mr. Fennel, whose stock phrase: 'Pray don't put +yourself about on my account, sir, I beg,' seemed to me to form his +reply to every remark of my father's. And thus, momentous though the +hegira might be, and was, to us, I suppose it did not call for any +very serious amount of detailed preparation, once my father had made +his decision. + +Looking back upon it now, in the light of some knowledge of the +subject, and of old lands and new, it seems to me open to question +whether, in all the moving story of British oversea adventuring, there +is an instance of any migration more curious than ours, or of any +person emigrating who was less suited for the venture than my father. +In the matter of our baggage and personal effects, now, the one thing +to which my father devoted serious care was something which probably +would not figure at all in any official list of articles required for +an emigrant's kit: his books. + +His library consisted of some three thousand volumes, the gleanings of +a quarter of a century when books were neither so numerous nor so +cheap as they are to-day. From these he set himself the maddening task +of selecting one hundred volumes to be taken with us. The rest were to +be sold. The whole of our preparations are dominated in the retrospect +for me, by my father's absorption in the task of sifting and re-sifting +his books. Acting under his instructions, I myself handled +each one of the three thousand and odd volumes a good many times. +Eventually, we took six hundred and seventy-three volumes with us, of +which more than fifty were repurchased, at a notable advance, of +course, upon the price he paid for them, from the dealer who bought +the remainder. + +This was my first insight into the subtleties of trade, and I noted +with loyal anger, in my father's interest, how contemptuously the +dealer belittled our books in buying them, and how eloquently he +dilated upon their special values in selling back to us those my +father found he could not spare. In every case these volumes were rare +and hard to come by, greatly in demand, 'the pick of the basket,' and +so forth. Well, I suppose that is commerce. At the time it seemed to +me amply to justify all my father's lofty scorn and hatred for +everything in any way connected with business. + +If only the book-dealer could have adopted Mr. Fennel's praiseworthy +attitude, I thought: 'Pray don't put yourself about, sir, on my +account, I beg.' But then, Mr. Fennel, I make no doubt, was heading +straight for bankruptcy. I have sought his name in vain among Putney's +modern tradesfolk. Whereas, Mr. Siemens, the gentleman who bought our +library, apart from his various thriving establishments in London, now +cherishes his declining years, I believe, in a villa in the Italian +Riviera, and a manor house in Hampshire. Though young, when I met him +in Putney, he evidently had the root of the matter in him, from a +commercial point of view, and was possibly even a little in advance of +his time in the matter of business ability. He drove a very smart +horse, I remember, was dressed smartly, and had a smart way of saying +that business was business. Yes, I dare say Mr. Siemens was more a man +of his time than my poor father. + +It was on the afternoon of May 2, 1870, the day after my tenth +birthday, that we sailed from Gravesend for Sydney, in the full-rigged +clipper ship _Ariadne_, of London, with one hundred and forty-seven +other emigrants and eighteen first-class passengers. It was, I +suppose, a part of my father's enthusiastically desperate state of +mind at this time that we were booked as steerage passengers. We were +to lay aside finally all the effete uses of sophisticated life. We +were emigrants, bent upon carving a home for ourselves out of the +virgin wilderness. Naturally, we were to travel in the steerage. And, +indeed, I have good reason to suppose that my father's supply of money +must have been pretty low at the time. But we occupied a first-class +railway carriage on the journey down to Gravesend; and I know our +porter received a bright half-crown for his services to us, for my +father's hands were occupied, and the coin was passed to me for +bestowal. + +Long before the tug left us, we sat down to our first meal on board; +perhaps a hundred of us together. A weary poor woman with two babies +was on my left, and a partly intoxicated man of the coal-heaving sort +(very likely a Cabinet Minister in Australia to-day) on my father's +right. This simple soul made the mistake of endeavouring to establish +an affectionate friendship with my father, who was sufficiently +resentful of the man's mere proximity, and received his would-be +genial advances with the most freezing politeness. But the event which +precipitated a crisis was the coal-heaver's removal of his knife from +his mouth--the dexterity with which his kind can manipulate these +lethal weapons, even when partly intoxicated, is little less than +miraculous--after the safe discharge there of some succulent morsel +from his plate, to plunge it direct into the contents of the +butter-dish before my father. + +Black wrath descended upon my father's face as he rose from the table, +and drew me up beside him. 'Insufferable!' he muttered, as we left +that curious place for the first and last time. I see it now with its +long, narrow, uncovered tables, stretching between clammy iron +stanchions, and supported by iron legs fitting into sockets in the +deck. It was lighted by hanging lanterns which threw queer, moving +shadows in all directions, and stank consumedly. + +'Are we hogs that we should be given our swill in such a sty?' asked +my father, explosively, of some subordinate member of the crew whom we +met as we reached the open deck. + +'I dunno, matey,' replied this innocent. 'Feelin' sickish, are ye? +You've started too soon.' + +'Yes, I'm feeling pretty sick,' said my father, as the glimmer of the +humorous side of it all touched his mind. 'Look here, my man,' he +continued, 'here's half a crown for you. I want to see the purser of +this ship. Just show me where I can find him, like a good fellow, will +you?' + +We found the purser in that condition of harassment which appears to +belong, like its uniform, to his post, when a ship is clearing the +land. He was inclined at first to adopt a pretty short way with us. He +really didn't know what emigrants wanted these days. Did they think a +ship's steerage was a _ho_-tel? And so forth. + +But my father was on his mettle now, and handled his man with +considerable skill and suavity. There was no second-class +accommodation on the ship. But in the end we were taken into the +first-class ranks, at a substantial reduction from the full first-class +fares, on the understanding that we contented ourselves with a +somewhat gloomy little single-berth cabin which no one else wanted. +Here a makeshift bed was presently arranged for me, and within the +hour we emigrants from the steerage had become first-class passengers. +The translation brought such obvious and real relief to my father that +my own spirits rose instantly; I began to take great interest in our +surroundings, and, from that moment, entirely forgot those prophetic +internal twinges, those stomachic forebodings which, in the 'other +place,' as politicians say, had begun to turn my thoughts toward the +harrowing tales I had heard of sea-sickness. + +My father, poor man, was not so fortunate. He began before long to pay +a heavy price in bodily affliction for all the stress and excitement +of the past few days. For a full fortnight the most virulent type of +sea-sickness had him in its horrid grip. I have since seen many other +folk in evil case from similar causes, but none so vitally affected by +the complaint as my father was, and never one who bore it with more +patient courtesy than he did. Not in the cruellest paroxysm did he +lose either his self-respect, or his consideration for me, and for +others. The mere mention of this fell complaint excites mirth in the +minds of the majority; but rarely can a man or woman be found whose +self-control is proof against its attacks; and I take pleasure in +remembering my father's admirable demeanour throughout his ordeal. In +the steerage he had hardly survived it, I think. Here, with decent +privacy, no single complaint passed his lips; and there was not a day, +hardly an hour, I believe, in which he ceased to take thought for his +small son's comfort and wellbeing. His courtesy was no skin-deep pose +with my father. No doubt we are all much cleverer and more enlightened +nowadays, but--however, that is one of the lines of thought which it +is quite unnecessary for me to pursue here. + +I was quite absurdly proud of my father, I remember, when, at length, +he made his first appearance on the poop, leaning on my shoulder, his +own shoulders covered by the soft rug we called the 'Hobson rug,' +because, years before, a friend of that name had bequeathed it to us, +after a visit to the house near Russell Square. In all the time that +came afterwards, I am not sure that my father's constitution ever +fully regained the tone it lost during our first fortnight aboard the +_Ariadne_. But, if his health had suffered a set-back, his manner had +not; that distinction of bearing in him which always impressed me, in +which I took such pride, seemed to me now more than ever marked. + +Child though I was, I am assured that this characteristic of my +father's had a very real existence, and was not at all the creation of +my boyish fancy. From my very earliest days I had heard it commented +upon by landladies and servants, and, too, in remarks casually +overheard from neighbours and strangers. Now, among our fellow-passengers +on board the _Ariadne_, I heard many similar comments. + +Looking back from this distance I find it somewhat puzzling that in my +father's personality there should have been combined so much of real +charm, dignity, and distinction, with so marked a distaste for the +society of his fellows. Here was a man who seemed able always to +inspire interest and admiration when he did go among his equals (or +those not his equals, for that matter), who yet preferred wherever +possible to avoid every form of social intercourse. By nature he +seemed peculiarly fitted to make his mark in society; by inclination +and habit, more especially in later life, it would seem he shunned +society as the plague itself. Withal, there was not the faintest +suggestion of moroseness about him, and when circumstances did lead +him into converse with others he always conveyed an impression of +pleased interest. This product of his exceptional courtesy and +considerateness must have puzzled many people, taken in conjunction +with his invariable avoidance of intercourse wherever that could be +managed with politeness. Far more than any monetary or more practical +consideration, it was, I am certain, this desire of my father's to get +away from people which had led to our migration. + +'People interrupt one so horribly,' was a remark he frequently made to +me. + + +V + + +Folk whose experience of sea travel is confined to the passengers' +quarters on board modern steamships of high tonnage can have but a +shadowy conception of what a three months' passage round the Cape +means, when it is made in a 1200 ton sailing vessel. I can pretend to +no technical knowledge of ships and seafaring; but it is always with +something of condescension in my mental attitude that I set foot on +board a steamship, or hear praise of one of the palatial modern +'smoke-stacks.' It was thus I remember that the _Ariadne's_ seamen +spoke of steamships. + +I suppose room could almost be found for the _Ariadne_ in the saloons +of some of the twentieth-century Atlantic greyhounds. But I will wager +that the whole fleet of them could not show a tithe of her grace and +spirited beauty in a sea-way. And, be it noted, they would not be so +extravagantly far ahead of the _Ariadne_ even in point of speed, say, +between the Cape and Australia, when, in running her easting down with +a living gale on her quarter, she spurned the foam from her streaming +sides to the tune of a steady fourteen to fifteen knots in an hour; +'snoring along,' as seamen say, with all her cordage taut as +harp-strings, and her clouds of canvas soaring heavenward tier on tier, +strained to the extreme limit of the fabric's endurance. + +From talk with my father, I knew the _Ariadne_ of mythology, and so +the sight of the patent log-line trailing in the creamy turmoil of our +wake used always to suggest imaginings to me, as I leaned gazing over +our poop rail, of a modern Theseus being rescued by this line of ours +from the labyrinthine caverns of some submarine Minotaur. + +Aye, she was a brave ship, and these were brave days of continuously +stirring interest to the lad fresh from Putney and its Academy for the +Sons of Gentlemen; or, as I should probably say, from one of its +academies. I do not recall that life itself, the great spectacle, had +at this period any interest for me, as such. My musings had not +carried me so far. But the things and people about me, the play of the +elements, and the unceasing and ever-varying activities of the ship's +working, appealed to me as his love to a lover, filling my every hour +with waiting claims, each to my ardour more instant and peremptory +than its fellow. + +Rhapsodies have been penned about the simple candour of children, the +unmeasured frankness of boys. These qualities were not, I think, +conspicuous in me. At least, I recall a considerable amount of +play-acting in my life on board the _Ariadne_, and, I think, in even +earlier phases. As a boy, it seems to me, I had a very keen appetite +for affection. I was somewhat emotional and sentimental, and always +interested in producing an impression upon the minds of those about +me. Without reaching the point of seeing life as a spectacle, I +believe my own small personality presented a spectacle of which I was +pretty generally and interestedly conscious. There was a good deal of +drama for me, in my own insignificant progress. I often watched +myself, and strove to gauge the impression I produced on others, and +to mould and shape this to my fancy. There may possibly be something +unpleasant, even unnatural about this, in so young a boy. I do not +know, but I am sure it is true; and so it is rightly set down here. + +There was a Mrs. Armstrong among our passengers, who was accompanied +by two daughters; a bonny, romping girl of sixteen, in whom I felt +little or no interest, and a serious young woman of two or +three-and-twenty, with whom I fell in love in an absurdly solemn fashion. +Miss Armstrong had a great deal of shining fair hair, a good figure, and +pleasing dark blue eyes. That is as far as memory carries me regarding +her appearance. She rather took me up, as she might have taken up +crewel work, whatever that may be, or district visiting, or what not. +No doubt she was among the majority in whom my father inspired +interest. She talked to me in an exemplary way, and held up before me, +as I remember it, a sort of blend of little Lord Fauntleroy and the +dreadful child in _East Lynne_, as an ideal to strive after. + +She assuredly meant most kindly by me, but the influence was not, +perhaps, very wholesome; or, it may be, I twisted and perverted it to +ill uses. At least, I remember devious ways in which I sought to earn +her admiration, and other yet more devious ways in which I schemed to +win petting from her. I actually used to invent small offences and +weave circumstantial romances about pretended wrong-doings, in order +to have the pleasure of confessing, with mock shame, and getting +absolution, along with caresses and sentimental promises of help to do +better in future. In retrospect it seems I was a somewhat horrid +little chap in this. I certainly adored Miss Armstrong; though in an +entirely different way from the manner of my subsequent passion for +little black-haired Nelly Fane. The Fane family consisted of the +father, mother, one boy, and two girls: Nelly, and her sister Marion, +both charming children, the first very dark, the other fair. Nelly was +a year older than I, Marion two years younger. The boy, Tom, was +within a month or two of my own age. + +It might be that I was wearying a little of the solemn sentimentality +of my attachment to Miss Armstrong; possibly the pose I thought +needful for holding this young lady's regard withal proved exhausting +after a time. At all events, I remember neglecting her shamefully in +equatorial latitudes, when the _Ariadne_ was creeping along her zig-zag +course through the Doldrums. For me this period, fascinating in +scores of other ways, belongs to Nelly Fane, with her long black +curls, biscuit-coloured legs and arms, and large, melting dark eyes. +At the time the thought of being separated from this imperious little +beauty meant for me an abomination of desolation too dreadful to be +contemplated. But, looking back upon the circumstances of my suit, I +think it likely my heart had never been captivated but for jealousy, +and my trick of seeing myself as the first figure in an illustrated +romance. + +There was another boy on board--I remember only his Christian name: +Fred--who, in addition to being a year older than myself, had the huge +advantage of being an experienced traveller. He was an Australian, and +had been on a visit with his parents to the Mother-country. At a quite +early stage in our passage, he won my cordial dislike by means of his +old traveller's airs, and--far more unforgiveable--the fact that he +had the temerity to refer to my father, in my hearing, as 'The old +chap who can't get his sea-legs.' I fear I never should have forgiven +him for that. + +In addition, as we youngsters played together about the decks, this +Fred used to arrogate to himself always the position of leader and +director. He knew the proper names of many things of which the rest of +us were ignorant, and, where his knowledge did not carry him, I was +assured his conceit and hardihood did. To such ears as Nelly Fane's, +for instance, 'Jib-boom,' 'Fore topmast-staysail,' must have an +admirably knowledgeable note about them, I thought, even if ever so +wrongly used. My first attack upon Fred consisted in convicting him of +some such swaggering misuse of a nautical term to the which, as luck +had it, I had given careful study on the fo'c'sle-head during the +previous evening's second dog-watch, when my friends among the crew +were taking their leisure. He bore no malice, I think; in any case, +his self-esteem was a very hardy growth, and little liable to suffer +from any minor check. + +We never came to blows, the Australian and myself, which was probably +as well for me, since I make no doubt the lad could have trounced me +soundly, for he was disgustingly wiry and long of limb. That was how I +saw his physical advantages. But, apart from this matter of physical +superiority, he was no match for me. In the subtler qualities of +intrigue I was his master; and he, never probably having observed +himself as a hero of romance, had to yield to my proficiency in the +art of producing a desired impression. It was in his capacity as an +old campaigner, a knowing dog, and a seasoned salt, that he had +carried Nelly Fane's heart by storm, and established himself an easy +first in her regard. And seeing this it was, I believe, which first +weakened my devotion to the fair Miss Armstrong, by turning my +attention to Nelly Fane. + +I did not really deserve to win Nelly, my suit at first being based +upon foundations so unworthy. But the pursuit of her stirred me +deeply; and in the end--say, in a couple of days--I was her very +humble and devoted slave. She really was an attractive child, I fancy, +in her wilful, imperious way. And, Cupid, how I did adore her by the +time I had driven Master Fred from the field! Even my father suffered +a temporary eclipse in my regard during the first white-hot fervour of +my devotion to Nelly. I lied for her, in word and deed; I stole for +her--from the cabin pantry--and I am sure I risked life and limb for +her a dozen times, in my furious emulation of any achievement of +Fred's, in my instant adoption of any suggestion of Nelly's, however +mischievous. And how many of us could truthfully say as much of their +enthusiasm in any mature love affair? How many grown men would +deliberately risk life to win the passing approval of a mistress? + +For example, I recall two typical episodes. Neither had been +remarkable, perhaps, for a boy devoid of fear or imagination; but I +was one shrewdly influenced by both qualities. There was a roomy cabin +under the _Ariadne's_ starboard counter, which served the Fane family +as a sort of sitting-room or day nursery. It had two circular port-holes, +brass-rimmed, of fairly generous proportions. Under the spur of +verbal taunts from Fred, and passive challenges from Nelly's dark +eyes, I positively succeeded in wriggling my entire body out through +one of those port-holes, feet first, until I hung by my hands outside, +my feet almost touching the water-line. And then it seemed I could not +win my way back. + +Nelly, moved to tears of real grief now, was for seeking the aid of +grown-ups. I wasted precious breath in adjuring her as she loved me to +keep silence. For my part death seemed imminent and certain. But I +pictured Fred's grinning commiseration should our elders rescue me, +and--I held on. By slow degrees I got one arm and shoulder back into +the cabin, pausing there to rest. From that moment I was safe; but I +was too cunning to let the fact appear. My reward began then, and most +voluptuously I savoured it. I had Mistress Nelly on her biscuit-coloured +knees to me before I finally reached the cabin floor on my +hands, my toes still clinging to the port-hole. Poor Fred could not +possibly equal this feat. His girth would not have permitted it. + +Again, there was the blazing tropical afternoon, in dead calm, when I +established a new record by touching the ship's prow under water. It +was siesta time for passengers. The watch on deck was assembled right +aft, scraping bright-work. Pitch was bubbling in the deck seams, and +every one was drowsy, excepting Nelly, Marion, Tom, Fred, and myself. +We were plotting mischief in the shadow of the _Ariadne's_ anchors, +right in the eyes of the ship. I forget the immediate cause of this +piece of foolhardiness, but I remember Fred's hated fluency about +'dolphin-strikers,' 'martingales,' and what not; and, finally, my own +assertion that I would touch the ship's forefoot, where we saw it +gleaming below the glassy surface of the water, and Fred's mocking +reply that I jolly well dared do no such a thing. Nelly's provocative +eyes were in the background, of course. + +Three several times I tried and failed, swinging perilously at a +rope's end below the dolphin-striker. And then the _Ariadne_, with one +of those unaccountable movements which a ship will make at times in +the flattest of calms, brought me victory, and the narrowest escape +from extinction in one and the same moment. I swung lower than before, +and the ship ducked suddenly. I not only touched her bows below the +water-line, but had all the breath knocked out of me by them, and was +soused under water myself, as thoroughly as a Brighton bathing woman +could have done the trick for me. To this day I remember the +breathless, straining agony of the ascent, when my clothes and myself +seemed heavier than lead, and the ship's deck miles above me. My +clothes--a jersey and flannel knickerbockers--dried quickly in the +scorching sun, and no grown-up ever knew of the escapade, I think. +But, the peril of it, in a shark-infested sea! + +No doubt these feats helped me to the subjugation of Nelly. Yet, after +all, in sheer physical prowess, I could not really rival Fred, who +stood a full head taller than I did. But I had a deal more of finesse +than he had, made very much better use of my opportunities, and was a +far more practised poseur. Fred was well supplied with self-esteem--a +most valuable qualification in love-making--but he lacked the +introspectively seeing eye. He might compel admiration, in his rude +fashion. He could never force a tear or steal a sigh. + +Fred--Fred without a surname, I wonder what has been your lot in life, +and where you air your prosperity to-day! For, prosperous I feel +certain you are. And, who knows? Nelly may be Mrs. Fred to-day, for +aught I can tell. When all is said and done, you all of you had more +in common, one with another, and each with all, than I had with any of +you! + +And that reminds me of a trifle overlooked. During all my association +with these my contemporaries on board the _Ariadne_, but with special +keenness in the beginning, I was conscious of something outside my own +experience, which they all shared. At that time it was to me just a +something which they had and I had not; a quality I could not define. +Looking back upon it I see clearly that the thing was in part +fundamental, a flaw in my temperament; and, in part, the family sense. +They all knew what 'home' meant, in a way in which I knew it not at +all. They were more carelessly genial and less serious and preoccupied +than I was. They all had mothers, too. I do not wish to say that they +were necessarily much better off than I. They had certain qualities +which I lacked, the product of experiences I had never enjoyed. And I +had various qualities which they had not. On the whole, perhaps, I +was more mature than they were; and they, perhaps, were more happy +and care-free--certainly less self-conscious--than I was. There was a +kind of Freemasonry of shared experience among them, and I had never +been initiated. They were established members of a recognised order, +to which I did not belong. They were members of families of a certain +defined status. I was an isolated small boy, with a father, and no +particular status. + + + + +BOYHOOD--AUSTRALIA + + +I + + +It has often occurred to me to wonder why my recollections of our +arrival and first days in Sydney should be so blurred and +unsatisfactorily vague. One would have thought such episodes should +stand out very clearly in retrospect. As a fact, they are far less +clear to me than many an incident of my earlier childhood. + +What I do clearly recall is lying awake in my makeshift bunk for some +time before daylight on the morning we reached Sydney, and, finally, +just before the sun rose, going on deck and sitting on the teak-wood +grating beside the wheel. There, on our port side, was the coast of +Australia, the land toward which we had been working through gale and +calm, storm and sunshine, for more than ninety days. Botany Bay, said +the chart. I thought of the grim record I had read of early settlement +here. And then came the pilot's cutter, sweeping like a sea-bird under +our lee. The early sunshine was bright and gladsome enough; but my +recollection is that I felt somehow chilled, and half frightened. That +sandy shore conveyed no kindly sense of welcome to me. + +The harbour--oh, yes, the harbour was, and is, beautiful, and I can +remember thrilling with natural excitement as we opened up cove after +cove, while the _Ariadne_--stately as ever, but curiously quiescent +now, with her trimly furled and lifeless sails--was towed slowly to +her anchorage. The different bays--Watson's, Mossman's, Neutral, and +the rest--had not so many villas then as now. Manly was there, in +little; but surf-bathing, like some other less healthful 'notions' +from America, was still to come. From the North Shore landing-stage +one strolled up the hill, and, very speedily, into the bush. + +Yes, the place was naturally beautiful enough; but the _Ariadne_ was +home; her every deck plank was familiar to me; I knew each cleat about +her fife-rails, every belaying-pin along her sides, every friendly +projection from her deck that had a sheltering lee. The shining +brass-bound, teak-wood buckets ranged along the break of her poop--the +crew's lime-juice was served in one of these, and they all were +painted white inside--I see them now. _Ay di mi!_ as the Spanish +ladies say; I am not so sure that any place was ever more distinctly +home to me. Over the rail, across the dancing waters of the harbour, +where the buildings clustered about Circular Quay; as yet, of course, +there could be nothing homely for me about all that. And, as to me, it +never did become very homely; perhaps that is why my recollections of +our first doings there are so vague. + +How often, in later years, my heart swelled with vague aspiring +yearnings toward what lay beyond, while my eyes ranged over that same +smiling scene, from the Domain, Lady Macquarie's Chair, and the +purlieus of Circular Quay! (There were no trams there then.) Here one +saw the ships that carried folk to and from--what? To and from Home, +was always my thought; though what home I fancied that distant island +in her grey northern sea had for me, heaven knows! Here one rubbed +shoulders, perchance, with some ruddy-faced, careless fellow in dark +blue clothes, who, but a short couple of months ago, walked London's +streets, and would be there again in the incredibly brief space of six +weeks or so. Dyspepsia itself knows no more fell and spirit-racking +anguish than nostalgia brings; and at times I have fancied the very +air--bland, warm, and kindly seeming--that circulates about the famous +quay must be pervaded and possessed by germs of this curious and +deadly malady. At least, that soft air is breathed each day by many a +victim to the disease; old and young, and of both sexes. + +No doubt we must have spent some days in Sydney, my father and myself; +but from the _Ariadne_, and the parting with Nelly Fane and my other +companions, memory carries me direct to the deck of a little +intercolonial steamer, bound north from Sydney, for Brisbane and other +Queensland ports. I see myself in jersey and flannel knickers sitting +beside my father on the edge of a deck skylight, and gazing out across +dazzlingly sunlit waters to the near-by northern coast of New South +Wales. Suddenly, my father laid aside the book which had been resting +on his knee, and raised to his eyes the binoculars he used at sea. + +'How extraordinary,' he murmured. And, my gaze naturally following +his, I made out clearly enough, without glasses, a vessel lying high +and dry on the white sand of a fair-sized bay. + +My father's keen interest in that derelict ship always seemed to me to +spring into being, as it were, full-grown. There was in it no period +of gradual development. From the moment his eyes first lighted upon +the tapered spars of the _Livorno_, where she lay basking in her sandy +bed, his interest in her was absorbing. Everything else was forgotten. +In a few minutes he was in eager conversation about the derelict with +the chief officer of our steamer. I remember the exact words and +intonation of the man's answer to my father's first question: + +'Well, I couldn't say for that, Mr. Freydon' (In Australia no one ever +forgets your name, or omits to use it in addressing you), 'but I can +tell you the day I first saw her. She was lying there exactly as she +is to-day. I was third mate of the _Toowoomba_ then; my first trip in +her, and that was seven years ago come Queen's Birthday. Seen her +every trip since--just the same. No, she never seems to alter any. +She's high and dry, you see; bedded there on an even keel, same's if +she was afloat. Yes, it is a wonder, as you say, Mr. Freydon; but it's +a lonely place, you see; nothing nearer than--what is it? Werrina, I +think they call it; fifteen mile away; and that's a day's march from +anywhere, too. Oh yes, there might be an odd sundowner camp aboard of +her once in a month o' Sundays; but I doubt it. She isn't in the track +to anywhere, as ye might say. No, I guess it would only be bandicoots, +an' the like o' that you'd find about her; an' birds, maybe. Only +thing I wonder about her is, how she landed there without ever losing +her top-hamper, and why nobody's thought it worth while to pick her +bones a bit cleaner. Must be good stuff in her stays an' that, to have +stood so long, with never a touch o' the tar-brush.' + +There was more in the same vein, but this much comes back to me as +though it were yesterday that I heard the words. I see the mate's hard +blue eye, and crisply curling beard; I see the upward tilt of the same +beard as he spat over the rail, and my father's little retreating +movement at his gesture. (My father never lost his sensitiveness about +such things, though I doubt if he ever allowed it to appear to eyes +less familiar with his every movement than my own.) It seems to me +that my father talked of the derelict--we did not know her name then, +and spoke of her simply as 'the ship'--for the rest of the day, and +for days afterwards; and the key to his thoughts was given in one of +his earliest remarks: + +'What a home a man might make of that ship--all ready to his hand for +the asking! The sea, trees--there were plenty of trees--sunshine, +solitude, and space. Think of the peacefulness of that sun-washed bay. +Nothing nearer than fifteen miles away, and that a mere hamlet, +probably. Werrina--not a bad name, Nick--Werrina. Aboriginal origin, I +imagine. And all that for the mere taking; open to the poorest--even +to us. You liked the _Ariadne_, Nick. What would you think of a ship +of our own?' + +Assuredly, we were the strangest pair of emigrants.... + + +II + + +Naturally, my father's suggestion, thrown out as it were in jest, +whimsically, fired my fancy instantly. 'How glorious!' I said. 'But +can we, really, father?' + +It was less than a week later that we walked out of Werrina's one +street into the bush to the westward of that township, accompanied by +Ted Reilly and a heavily-laden pack-horse--Jerry. Ted was one of +Werrina's oddities, and, in many respects, our salvation. The Werrina +storekeeper shook his grizzled head over Ted, and vowed there wasn't +an honest day's work in the man. + +'What's the matter with Ted is he's got no Systum; never had since he +was a babby.' (My thoughts reverted at once to a highly coloured +anatomical diagram which hung in the cabin of the _Ariadne's_ captain: +the flayed figure of a man whose face wore the incredibly complacent +look one sees on the waxen features of tailors' dummies, though the +poor fellow's heart, liver, kidneys, and other internal paraphernalia +were shamelessly exposed to the public gaze. The storekeeper's +tone convinced me for the time that poor Ted had been born lacking +some one or other of the important-looking purple organs which the +diagram had shown me as belonging to the human system.) 'He's a +here-to-day-and-gone-to-morrow, come-day-go-day-God-send-Sunday sort of a +customer, is Ted--my oath! Wanter Systum. That's what I'm always telling +'em in this place. It's wanter Systum that's the curse uv Australia; an' +Ted's got it worsen most. Don't I know it? I gave him a chanst here in +my store. Might ha' made a Persition frimself. But, no; no Systum at +all. He was off in a fortnight, trappin' dingoes in the bush, or some +such nonsense. He's for no more use than--than a bumble bee, isn't Ted +Reilly; nor never will be.' + +Well, he was of a good deal of practical use to us, the storekeeper +notwithstanding; but I admit that there was a notable absence of +'Systum' about the man. He was singularly unmethodical and haphazard, +even as his kind go in the remoter parts of Australia. He made our +acquaintance very casually by asking my father for a match, almost +before we had descended from the coach outside the Royal Hotel, +Werrina. (There was nothing royal, or even comfortable, about this +weatherboard and iron inn, except its name.) And, oddly enough, my +father fell into conversation with him, and seemed rather to take to +the man forthwith. + +I know it was by his advice, as kindly meant, I am sure, as it was +shrewd, that my father said nothing to any one else in the township of +his fantastic ideas regarding what we now knew to be the derelict +Italian barque, _Livorno_, of Genoa. It was given out that we were +going camping, between Werrina and the coast; and, no doubt my father +was credited by the local wiseacres with the possession of some crafty +prospecting scheme or another. Most of the folk thereabouts had been +always wont to look to the bush (chiefly for timber) as a source of +livelihood, but their attention was usually turned inland rather than +seaward; for the bulk of the country between Werrina and the sea is +poor and swampy, or sandy. The belt of timber we had seen behind our +derelict's bay was not extensive. + +It was Ted who bought Jerry for us for the modest price of L3, 15s.; +and I make no doubt that serviceable beast would have cost my father +L7 if he had had 'the haggling of it.' Pack-saddle and tent, with a +number of other oddments, had come with us from across the Queensland +border; first, by rail, and thence by numerous devious coach routes to +Werrina. The only thing about our expedition which I think Ted really +mistrusted and disliked was the fact that we set forth on foot. He +told my father of horses he could buy, if not for three a penny, +certainly at the rate of two for a five-pound note. (Animals no +better, or very little better, are selling for L20 apiece in the same +country to-day.) But my father spoke of the cost of saddlery and the +like. He had been brought up in a land where horse-keeping means +considerable expense, and the need for husbanding his slender +resources was strongly foremost in his mind just now. But Ted had all +his life long thought of horses as a natural and necessary adjunct to +man's locomotion. I have seen him devote considerable time and energy +to the task of catching Jerry in order to ride across a couple of +hundred yards of sand to his favourite wood-cutting spot. To be poor, +that is, short of money, was a natural and customary thing enough in +Ted's eyes; but to go ajourneying as a footman suggested a truly +pitiable kind of destitution, and did, I am convinced, throw a shadow +over what otherwise had been the outset of a jaunt entirely after his +own heart. + +As the morning wore on, however, and we left behind us all likelihood +of chance encounters with more fortunately placed and therefore +critical people, bestriding pigskin, Ted's spirits rose again to their +normal easy altitude, and mounted beyond that to the level of boyish +jollity. Myself, I incline to think that walking along a bush track, +with a long stick in his hand and a pack-horse to drive before him, +was really an ideal situation for Ted, despite his preference for +riding. Afoot, he could so readily step aside to start a 'goanner' up +a tree, or pluck an out-of-the-way growth to show me. + +There never was such a fellow for 'noticing' things, as they say of +children. Print he never read, so far as I know, and perhaps this +helped to make him so amazingly keen a reader of Nature. Not the +littlest comma on that page ever eluded him. + +'Hullo!' he would say when Werrina was miles away behind us. 'Who'd've +thought o' that baldy-faced steer o' Murdoch's bein' out here?' One +gazed about to locate the beast. But, no. No living thing was in +sight. In passing, quite casually, Ted's roving eye had spied a hoof +mark, perhaps a day old or more, in the soft bottom of a tiny +billabong; a print I could hardly make out, leave alone identify as +having been made by this beast or the other, even under the guidance +of Ted's pointing finger. Yet for Ted that casual glance--no stooping, +no close scrutiny--supplied an accurate and complete picture: the +particular beast, its gait, occupation, and way of heading, and the +period at which it had passed that way. Withal, it was true enough, as +the storekeeper said, poor Ted had no 'Systum'; or none, at all +events, of the kind cultivated in shops and offices. + + +III + + +However much at fault I may be in recollection of our arrival at +Sydney, my memories of our first night at Livorno Bay (so my father +christened the derelict's resting-place) could hardly be more vivid +and distinct. That night marks for me the beginning of a definite +epoch in my life. + +I passed the spot in a large inter-state steamer last year. There was +no sign of any ship there then, so far, at all events, as I could make +out with a borrowed pair of glasses; and the place looked very much +the same as any other part of the Australian coast. There are +thousands of such indentations around the shores of the island +continent, with low headlands of jagged rock by way of horns, and +terraces of shell-strewn sand dotted over with ti-tree scrub, which +merges into a low-lying bush of swamp oak and suchlike growths, among +which, as like as not, you shall find, as we found, a more or less +extensive salt-water lagoon, over the sandy bar of which big, tossing +breakers will roll in from the Pacific in stormy weather. Yes, I would +say now that there is nothing very peculiar or distinctive about +Livorno Bay for the observer who is familiar with other parts of +Australia's coast. + +But in my youthful eyes, seen on the evening of our arrival, after a +fifteen miles' walk, and, seen, too, in the glow of a singularly +angry-looking evening sky, Livorno Bay, with its derelict barque to +focus one's gaze, presented a spectacle almost terrifying in its +desolation. Years must have passed since anything edible could have +been found on board the _Livorno_. Yet I hardly think I should +exaggerate if I said that two thousand birds rose circling from +various points of vantage about the derelict as we approached her +sides. That this winged and highly vocal congregation resented our +intrusion was not to be doubted for a moment. Short of actually +attacking us with beak and claw, the creatures could hardly have given +more practical expression to their sentiments. The circumstance was +trivial, of course, but I think it somewhat dashed my father's ardour, +and I know it struck into my very vitals. + +'Begone, you interlopers, or we will rend you! This is no place for +humans. Here is only death and desolation for the likes of you. This +place belongs of immemorial right to us, and to our masters, the +devouring elements. Begone!' + +So it seemed we were screamed at from thousands of hoarse throats. + +For my part I was well pleased when my father agreed to Ted's +suggestion that we should postpone till morning our inspection of the +ship, and, in the meantime, concentrate upon the more immediate +necessity of pitching camp for the night in the shelter of the timber +belt and outside the domain of the screaming sea-birds. Our tent was +fortunately not one of the cumbersome sort I had seen on Wimbledon +Common at home, but a light Australian contrivance of cotton, +enclosing a space ten feet by eight, and protected by a good large +fly. Thanks mainly to Ted and his axe we had the necessary stakes cut, +and the tent pitched before dark. Meanwhile, the little fire Ted had +lighted against a blackened tree-stump had grown into the sort of +fiery furnace that was associated in my mind with certain passages in +the Old Testament; and, suspended by a piece of fencing wire from a +cross stake on two forked sticks, our billy was boiling vigorously. + +In all such bush-craft as this Ted was _facile princeps_, and he asked +no better employment. Jerry was turned out to graze, belled and +hobbled (for safety in a strange place), and just as actual darkness +closed in upon us--no moon was visible that night--we sat down at the +mouth of the tent to sup upon corned beef, bread and cheese and jam; +the latter in small tins with highly coloured paper wrappers. + +By this time my sense of chill and depression had pretty well +evaporated. The details of our domesticity were most attractive to me. +But I am not sure that my father quite regained his spirits that +evening. We each had a canvas camp-stretcher of the collapsible sort. +In ten minutes Ted had made himself a hammock bed of two sacks, two +saplings, and four forked stakes, which for comfort was quite equal to +any camp cot I have yet seen. Sleep came quickly to me, at all events, +and whenever I woke during the night, as I did some three or four +times, there was booming in my ears that rude music which remained the +constant accompaniment of all our lives and doings in Livorno Bay: the +dull roar of Pacific breakers on the sand below us, varied by a long +sibilant intaking of breath, as it seemed, caused by the back-wash of +every wave's subsidence. + +Very gently, to avoid disturbing my father--I can see his face on the +flimsy cot pillow now, looking sadly fragile and worn--I crept out +from our tent in time to see the upper edge of the sun's disc (like a +golden dagger of the Moorish shape) flash out its assurance across the +sea, and gild with sudden bravery the trucks and spars and frayed +rigging of the barque _Livorno_. Life has no other reassurance to +offer which is quite so emphatic as that of the new risen sun; and it +is youth, rather than culture, which yields the finest appreciation of +this. In its glad light I ran and laughed, half naked, where a few +hours earlier, in the murk of coming night, the sense of my own +helpless insignificance in all that solitude had descended upon me in +the shape of physical fear. Sea and sand laughed with me now, where +before they had smitten me with lonely foreboding, almost with terror. +I had my first bathe from a Pacific beach that morning; and, given +just a shade more of venturesomeness in the outsetting, it had been +like to be my last. In Livorno Bay the breakers were big, and the +back-wash of their surf very insistent. + +The fire of his enthusiasm was once more alight in my father when I +got back to our camp that morning; and one might have supposed it +nourished him, if one had judged from the cursory manner in which his +share of our simple breakfast was dispatched. Then, carrying with him +a tomahawk, I remember, he led us down across the sand to where the +ship lay, so deeply bedded that one stepped over her rail as it might +have been the coaming of a hatch. Her deck, and indeed every uncovered +part of the _Livorno_, was encrusted in the droppings of multitudinous +sea-fowl. For almost as many years as I had lived, probably, these +creatures had made a home of the derelict. To be sure, they had as +good a right to it as we had; yet I remember how keenly we resented +their claims, in the broad light of day; even as they, on the previous +evening, had resented us. Ted promised them a warm time of it, and +congratulated himself on having brought his old gun. + +'I'll show 'em whose ship it is,' he said, 'to-night.' And the boy in +me rose in sympathetic response. I suppose I looked forward to the +prospect of those birds being given a taste of the fear they had +helped to inspire in me. + +The _Livorno_ had a long, low poop, no more than three feet high, and +extending forward to the mainmast. She had none of the _Ariadne's_ +bright-work, as the polished teak was always called on that ship. Her +rails and deck-houses had been painted in green and white, and I made +out the remains of stencilled ornamentation in the corners of panels. +No doubt my father had his preconceptions regarding the derelict of +which he had thought so much in the past week. In any case he did not +linger by the way, but walked direct to the cuddy or saloon, which we +entered by a deeply encrusted, sun-cracked scuttle, just forward of +the mizzen-mast. So here we were, at length, at the heart of our +quest. + +Personally, I was for the moment disappointed. My father, being wiser +and knowing better what to expect, was pleased, I think. My +anticipations had doubtless taken their colour from recent experience +of the trim, well-ordered smartness of the _Ariadne's_ saloon. Here, +on board the derelict, nothing was left standing which could easily be +carried away. The cabins opening into the little saloon had no doors, +save in the case of one--the captain's room--that had been split down +the centre, apparently with an axe, and its remains hung drunkenly now +upon one hinge, which, at a touch from Ted's hand, parted company with +its bulkhead, leaving the door to fall clattering to the deck. But, +curiously enough, the good hardwood bunks were all intact, except in +the case of one, which had, apparently, been wantonly smashed, perhaps +by the same insensate hand that smashed the door. + +The saloon table had gone, of course, and the chairs; but the brass +cleats which had held them to their places in the deck were there +still to show us where our predecessors here had sat and taken their +meals. Here they had done their gossiping, no doubt, over the remains +of savoury macaroni, with, perchance, an occasional flagon of Chianti +or Barolo. There was a sort of buffet built into the forward bulkhead; +and by a most surprising chance this was unhurt, save for a great star +in the mirror behind it. Even its brass rail was intact. Some idle +boor must have observed this solid little piece of man's handiwork, +and then, I suppose, struck at the mirror with his axe--a savage and +blackguardly act. But here, at all events, was our little store +cupboard. + +'Sideboard's all right then,' was Ted's grinning comment. 'And a man +could still see to shave in the glass.' + +The saloon skylight had been removed bodily, perhaps to serve some +cockatoo bush farmer for a cucumber frame! And the result of this, +more than any other circumstance, had been to give the saloon its +desolate look; for, beneath the yawning aperture where once the +skylight had stood, there was now an unsavoury mound of bird's +droppings, near three feet high at its apex. This was now dust-dry; +but the autumnal rains of bygone seasons had streamed upon it no +doubt, with the result that all the rest of the saloon was several +inches deep in the same sort of covering. There were naturally no +stores in the pitch-black lazareet which one reached through a trap-door +in the saloon deck; but among the lumber there we found an old +bucket, a number of empty tins, packing-cases, and the like, a coal +shovel with a broken handle, and two tanks in which ship's biscuits +had been kept. How these latter commodities came to have been spared +by marauding visitors it would be hard to say; for, in the bush, every +one, without exception, requires tanks for the storage of rain-water. + +From the saloon we made our way right forward to the forecastle, in +which practically no damage had been done; for the reason, I suppose, +that little was there which easily could be damaged or removed. No +anchors or cables were to be seen, but the seamen's bunks remained +much as I imagine they had left them; and, on the side of one, some +sundowner had contrived to scrawl, apparently with a heated wire, this +somewhat fatuous legend: + +'Occewpide by me Captin Ned Kelli Bushranger. Chrismas day 1868. Not +too bad.' + +In many other parts of the ship we found, when we came to do our +cleaning, initials, dates, and occasional names, rudely carved. But +the only attempt at a written tribute to the derelict's quality as a +camping-place was the pretended bushranger's 'Not too bad'; a +thoroughly Australian commentary, and probably endorsed in speech at +the time of writing by the exclamation: 'My word!' + +Internally, the _Livorno_ had been very thoroughly gutted, even to the +removal of many of her deck joists and 'tween-decks' stanchions. But +in her galley, which, having remained closed, was in quite good order, +we found the cooking range, though rusty, intact. It had been built +into the deck-house, and, being partly of tiles, would hardly have +lent itself to easy transport or use in another place. Ted had a fire +burning in it that very day, and water boiling on it in tins. Hidden +under much mouldering rubbish in the boatswain's locker were found two +deck scrapers, which proved most useful. + +Ted strongly advised the adoption, as living-room, of the forecastle; +and he may have been in the right of it. The place was weather-proof, +its tiny skylight being intact. But sentiment, I think, attracted my +father to the quarter-deck. 'The weather side of the poop's my only +promenade,' he said gaily. 'And those square stern ports, with the +carving under them--it would be a sin to leave them to the birds. Oh, +the saloon is clearly our place, and we must rig a shelter over the +skylight by and by.' + +In the end we accomplished little or nothing beyond inspection that +day. Towards evening Ted laid in a stock of firewood beside our camp, +while my father wrote a letter to the Werrina storekeeper, which Ted +was to take in next day with a cheque. I say we accomplished nothing, +because I can remember no useful work done. Yet I do vividly remember +falling asleep over my supper, and feeling more physically weary than +I had ever been before. We were on our feet all day, of course. We +were gleaning new impressions at a great rate. The day was, I suppose, +a pretty full one; and assuredly one of us slept well after it. + + +IV + + +When my eyes opened next morning, dawn, though near at hand, had not +yet come. His pale-robed heralds were busy, however, diffusing that +sort of nacreous haze which in coastal Australia lights the way for +each day's coming. Looking out over the pillow of my cot I saw Ted +among the trees, girthing the pack-saddle on Jerry. In a very few +moments I was beside him, and in five minutes he had started on his +journey. + +'I'll be in Warrina for breakfast,' he said. + +I walked a few hundred yards beside him, and the last glimpse I caught +of him, at a bend over which the track rose a little, showed Ted +seated sideways on the horse's hindquarters, one hand resting on the +pack-saddle, the other waving overhead to me. A precarious perch I +thought it, but as it saved him from the final degradation of walking, +I have no doubt it suited Ted well enough. + +The sun was still some little way below the horizon when Ted +disappeared, and I was perhaps a quarter of a mile from camp. Inland, +I had very likely been bushed. Here, vague though the track was, the +sea's incessant call was an unfailing guide. But it was in those few +minutes, spent in walking back towards our tent, that I was given my +first taste of solitude in the Australian bush; and, boy that I was, +it impressed me greatly. It was a permanent addition to my narrow +store of impressions, and it is with me yet. + +At such times the Australian bush has qualities which distinguish it +from any other parts of the world known to me. I have known other +places and times far more eerie. To go no farther there are parts of +the bush in which thousands of trees, being ring-barked, have died and +become ghosts of trees. Seen in the light of a half moon, when the sky +is broken by wind-riven cloud, these spectral inhabitants of the bush, +with their tattered winding sheets of corpse-white bark, are +distinctly more eerie than anything the dawn had to show me beside +Livorno Bay. + +Withal, the half-hour before sunrise has a peculiar quality of its +own, in the bush, which I found very moving and somewhat awe-inspiring +upon first acquaintance. There was a hush which one could feel and +hear; a silence which exercised one's hearing more than any sound. And +yet it was not a silence at all; for the sea never was still there. It +was as though the bush and all that dwelt therein held its breath, +waiting, waiting for a portent; and, meantime, watching me. In a few +moments I found myself also waiting, conscious of each breath I drew. +It was not so much eerie as solemn. Yes, I think it was the solemnity +of that bush which so impressed me, and for the time so humbled me. + +A few moments later and the kindly brightness of the new-risen sun was +glinting between tree-trunks, the bush began to breathe naturally, and +I was off at a trot for my morning dabble in the surf. + +My father and I made but a poor show as housekeepers that day. I +suppose we neither of us had ever washed a plate, or even boiled a +kettle. In all such matters of what may be called outdoor domesticity +(as in the use of such primitive and all-round serviceable tools as +the axe), the Colonial-born man has a great advantage over his Home-born +kinsman, in that he acquires proficiency in these matters almost +as soon and quite as naturally as he learns to walk and talk. And not +otherwise can the sane easy mastery of things be acquired. + +My father had some admirably sound theories about cooking. He had +knowledge enough most heartily to despise the Frenchified menus which, +I believe, were coming into vogue in London when we left it, and +warmly to appreciate the sterling virtue of good English cookery and +food. The basic aim in genuine English cookery is the conservation of +the natural flavours and essences of the food cooked. And, since sound +English meats and vegetables are by long odds the finest in the world, +there could be no better purpose in cooking than this. Subtle methods +and provocative sauces, which give their own distinctive flavour to +the dishes in which they are used, are well enough for less favoured +lands than England, and a much-needed boon, no doubt. They are a +wasteful mistake in England, or were, at all events, so long as +unadulterated English food was available. + +My father taught me these truths long ago, and I am an implicit +believer in them to-day. All his theories about such matters were +sound; and it may be that, in a properly appointed kitchen, he could +have turned out an excellent good meal--given the right mood for the +task. But I will admit that in Livorno Bay, both on this our first day +alone there, and ever afterwards, my father's only attempts at +domestic work were of the most sketchy and least satisfactory +description; his grip of our housekeeping was of the feeblest, and in +a very short time the matter fell entirely into my hands when Ted was +not with us. Ted was my exemplar; from him such knowledge and ability +as I acquired were derived. But to his shrewd practicality I was able +to add something, in the shape of theory evolved from my father's +conversation; and thus presently I obtained a quite respectable grasp +of bush domesticity. + +This day of Ted's absence in Werrina we devoted to a more or less +systematic exploration of our territory. My father was in a cheery +vein, and entertained me by bestowing names upon the more salient +features of our domain. The two horns of Livorno Bay, I remember, were +Gog and Magog; the lagoon remained always just The Lagoon; the timber +belt was Arden; our camp, Zoar; and so forth. We found an eminently +satisfactory little spring, not quite so near at hand as the water-hole +from which Ted had drawn our supplies till now, but yielding +brighter, fresher water. And we botanised with the aid of a really +charming little manuscript book, bound in kangaroo-skin, and given to +my father by the widow of a Queensland squatter whom we had met on the +coasting steamer. That little volume is among my few treasured +possessions to-day. Some of its watercolour sketches look a little +worn and pallid, after all these years, but it is a most instructive +book; and from it came all my first knowledge of the various wattles, +the different mahoganies, the innumerable gums, the ferns, creepers, +and wild flowers of the bush. + +It was almost dark when Ted returned--in a cart. We were greatly +surprised to see Jerry between the shafts of this ancient vehicle, and +my father found it hard to credit that any cart could be driven over +the bush track by which we had travelled, with its stumps and holes +and sudden dips to watercourses. However, there the cart was, its +harness plentifully patched with pieces of cord and wire; and it +seemed well laden, too. + +'Who lent it you?' asked my father. And Ted explained how the cart had +been offered to him for L3, and how, at length, he had bought it for +L2, 5s. and a drink. It seemed a sin to miss such a chance, but if my +father really did not want it, well, he, Ted, would pay for it out of +his earnings. Of course my father accepted responsibility for the +purchase, and very useful the crazy old thing proved as time went on; +for, though its collapse, like that of other more important +institutions, seemed always imminent, it never did actually dissolve +in our time, and only occasionally did it shed any vital portion of +its fabric. Even after such minor catastrophes, it always bore up +nobly under the rude first (and last) aid we could give with cord, or +green-hide and axed wood. + +To my inexperience it seemed that Ted had brought with him a wide +assortment of most of the commodities known to civilisation. The +unloading of the cart was to me as the enjoyment of a monstrous bran-pie; +an entertainment I had heard of, but never seen. And when I heard +there was certainly one more load, and probably two, to come, I felt +that we really were rich beyond the dreams of most folk. I recalled +the precise manner in which Fred (the _Ariadne_ rival and +fellow-passenger, whose surname I never knew) had wilted when he heard +that my father and I had intended travelling steerage, and from my heart +I wished he could see this cart-load of assorted goods. 'Goods' was the +correct word, I thought, for such wholesale profusion; and 'cart-load' +had the right spaciousness to indicate a measure of our abundance. + +There were several large sheets of galvanised iron, appearing exactly +as one in the cart, but covering a notable expanse of ground when +spread out singly. These were for a roof in the place of the saloon +skylight. My father had pished and tushed and pressed for a bark roof; +but Ted, in his bush wisdom, had insisted on the prosaic 'tin,' as a +catchment area for rain-water to be stored in the two ship's tanks. +There were brooms, scrubbing-brushes, kettles, pots, pans, crockery, +fishing-lines, ammunition for Ted's highly lethal old gun, and there +were stores. I marvelled that stores so numerous and varied could have +come out of Werrina. My imagination was particularly fired by the +contemplation of a package said to contain a gross of boxes of +matches. Reckoning on fifty to the box, I struggled for some time with +a computation of the total number of our matches, giving it up finally +when I had reached figures which might have thrilled a Rothschild. Our +sugar was not in blue paper packages of a pound weight, but in a sack, +as it might be for the sweetening of an army corps' porridge. And our +tea! Like the true Australian he was, Ted had actually brought us a +twenty-six pound case of tea. It was a wondrous collection, and I drew +a long breath when I remembered that there was more, much more, to +come. Here were nails, not in spiral twists of paper, but in solid +seven-pound packages, and quite a number of them. + +Had I been a shopkeeper's son, I suppose these trifles from Werrina +would have been esteemed by me at something like their real value. So +I rejoice that I was not a shopkeeper's son, for I still cherish a +lively recollection of the glad feeling of security and comfortable +well-being which filled my breast as I paced round and about our cart +and all it had brought us. Long before sun-up next morning, Ted was +off again to Werrina; but, seeing our incapacity on the domestic side, +the good fellow gave an hour or two before starting to washing up and +cooking work; and I pretended to work with him, out there in the +star-light, conversing the while in whispers to avoid disturbing my +father. + +Two more journeys Ted made, and returned fully laden both times, +the old cart fairly groaning under the weight of goods it held. And then +the services of a bullock-driver and his team and dray had +subsequently to be requisitioned to bring out our English boxes and +baggage, including the cases of my father's books. Those books, how +they tempt one to musing digressions.... But of that in its place. + +By the time the carrier's work was done we had established something +of a routine of life, though this was subject to a good deal of +variation and disorder, as I remember, so long as the tent was in use. +Ted had arranged with butcher and storekeeper both to meet one of us +once a week at a point distant some six miles from Livorno Bay, where +our track crossed a road. Our bread, of course, we baked for +ourselves; and excellent bread it was, while Ted made it. I believe +that even when the task of making it fell into my hands, it was more +palatable than baker's bread; certainly my father thought so, and that +was enough for me. + +Our hardest work, by far, was the cleaning of the _Livorno_. There was +a spring cleaning with a vengeance! We used a mixture of soft soap and +soda and sand, which made our hands all mottled: huge brown freckles +over an unwholesome-looking, indurated, fish-belly grey. The stuff +made one's finger-ends smart horridly, I remember. For days on end it +seemed we lived in this mess; our feet and legs and arms all bare, and +perspiration trickling down our noses, while soapy water and sand +crept up our arms and all over our bodies. My father insisted on doing +his share, though frequently driven by mere exhaustion to pause and +lie down at full length upon the nearest dry spot. I have always +regretted his persistence at this task, for which at that time he was +totally unfit. + +However, the scraping and sanding and scrubbing were ended at last, +and I will say that I believe we made a very creditable job of it. We +could not give back to our barque the soundness of her youth, her +sea-going prime, but I think we made her scrupulously clean and sweet; +and I shall not forget the jubilant sense of achievement which spurred us +on all through the scorching hot day upon which we really installed +ourselves. + +Ted had rigged an excellent table between the saloon stanchions, and +three packing-cases with blankets over them looked quite sumptuous and +ottoman-like, as seats. Our bedding was arranged in the solid hardwood +bunks which had accommodated the captain and mates of the _Livorno_ +what time she made her first exit from the harbour of Genoa. Our +stores were neatly stowed in various lockers, and in Ted's famous +'sideboard'; our kitchen things found their appointed places in the +galley; our incongruous skylight roof, with its guttering and adjacent +tanks, awaited their baptism of rain; my father's books were arranged +on shelves of Ted's construction; our various English belongings, +looking inexpressibly choice, intimate, and valuable in their new +environment, were disposed with a view to convenience, and, be it +said, to appearances; and--here was our home. + +We were all very tired that night, but we were gay over our supper, +and it was most unusually late before I slept. Late as that was, +however, I could see by its reflected light on the deck beams that my +father's candle was burning still. And when I chanced to wake, long +afterwards, I could hear, until I fell asleep again, the slight sound +he made in walking softly up and down the poop deck--a lonely man who +had not found rest as yet; who, despite bright flashes of gaiety, was +far from happy, a fact better understood and more deeply regretted by +his small son than he knew. + + +V + + +My first serious preoccupation regarding ways and means--the money +question--began, I think, in the neighbourhood of my eleventh +birthday, and has remained a more or less constant companion and +bedfellow ever since. + +Now, as I write, I am perhaps freer than ever before from this sordid +preoccupation; not by reason of fortunate investments and a plethoric +bank balance, but because my needs now are singularly few and +inexpensive, and the future--that Damoclean sword of civilised life--no +longer stretches out before me, a long and arid expanse demanding +provision. This preoccupation began for me in the week of my eleventh +birthday, when my father asked me one evening if I thought we could +manage now without Ted's services. + +'It's not that I pay him much,' said my father, stroking his chin +between thumb and forefinger, as his manner was when pondering such a +point; 'but the fact is we can by no manner of juggling pretend to be +able to afford even that little. Then, again, you see, the poor chap +must eat. The fish he brings us are a real help, and no wage-earner I +ever met could take pot-luck more cheerfully than Ted. What's more, I +like him, you like him, and he is, I know, a most useful fellow to +have about. But, take it any way one can, he must represent fifty +pounds a year in our rate of expenditure, and-- Well, you see, Nick, we +simply haven't got it to spend.' + +It was on the tip of my tongue, I remember, to ask my father why he +did not send to the bank and ask for more money; and by that may be +gauged the crudely unsophisticated stage of my development. But I must +remember, too, that I bit back the question, and, ignorant of all +detail though I was, felt intuitively sure, first, that the whole +subject was a sore and difficult one for my father, and, secondly, +that I must never ask for or expect anything calling for monetary +expenditure. My vague feeling was that the World had somehow wronged +my father by not providing him with more money. I felt instinctively +that It never would give him any more; and that It had given him +whatever he had, only as the result of personal sacrifices which +should never have been demanded of him. I resented keenly what seemed +to me the World's callous and unreasonable discourtesy to such a man +as my father, whom, I thought, It should have delighted to honour. + +As illustrating the World's coarse and brutal injustice, I thought, +there was the case of a man like Nelly Fane's father, or, again, the +storekeeper in Werrina. (Mr. Fane would hardly have thanked me for the +conjunction.) Neither, it was clear, possessed a tithe of the brains, +the distinction, the culture, or the charm of my father; yet it was +equally obvious (in different ways) that both were a good deal more +liberally endowed with this world's gear than we were. I felt that the +whole matter ought to be properly explained and made clear to those +powers, whoever they were, who controlled and ordered It. I distinctly +remember the thought taking shape in my mind that Mr. Disraeli ought +to know about it! Meantime, my concern was, as far as might be, to +relieve my father of anxiety, and so minimise as much as possible the +effects of a palpable miscarriage of justice. + +The thing has a rather absurd and pompous effect as I set it down on +paper; but I have stated it truly, none the less, however awkwardly. + +The fact that I had known no mother, combined with the progressive +weakening of my father's health and peace of mind during the previous +year or so, may probably have influenced my attitude in all such +matters, may have given a partly feminine quality to my affection for +my father. I know it seemed to me unfitting that he should ever take +any part in our domestic work on the _Livorno_, and very natural that +I should attend to all such matters. Also I had felt, ever since the +day in Richmond Park when, to some extent, he gave me his confidence +regarding the severance of his connection with the London newspaper +office, that my father needed 'looking after,' that it was desirable +for him to be taken care of and spared as much as possible; and that, +obviously, I was the person to see to it. Our departure from England +had been rather a pleasure than otherwise for me, because it had +seemed to place my father more completely in my hands. Such an +attitude may or may not have been natural and desirable in so young a +boy; I only know that it was mine at that time. + +It follows therefore that I told my father we could perfectly well +manage without Ted, though, as a fact, I viewed the prospect, not with +misgiving so much as with very real regret. I had grown to like Ted +very well in the few months he had spent with us, and to this day I am +gratefully conscious of the practical use and value of many lessons +learned from this simple teacher, who was so notably wanting, by the +Werrina storekeeper's way of it, in 'Systum.' A more uniformly kindly +fellow I do not think I have ever met. The world would probably +pronounce him an idler, and it is certain he would never have +accumulated money; but he was not really idle. On the contrary, he was +full of activity, and of simple, kindly enthusiasms. Rut his chosen +forms of activity rarely led him to the production of what is +marketable, and he very quickly wearied of any set routine. + +'Spare me days!' Ted cried, when my father, with some +circumlocutionary hesitancy and great delicacy, conveyed his decision +to our factotum. 'Don't let the bit o' money worry ye, Mr. Freydon. +It's little I do, anyway. Give me an odd shilling or two for me 'baccy +an' that, when I go into Werrina, an' I'll want no wages. What's the +use o' wages to the likes o' me, anyhow?' + +I could see that this put my father in something of a quandary. A +certain delicacy made it difficult for him to mention the matter of +Ted's food--the good fellow had a royal appetite--and he did not want +to appear unfriendly to a man who simply was not cognisant of any such +things as social distinctions or obligations. Finally, and with less +than his customary ease, my father did manage to make it plain that +his decision, however much he might regret being forced to it, was +final; and that he could not possibly permit Ted's proposed gratuitous +sacrifice of his time and abilities. + +'There's the future to be thought of, you know, Ted,' he added. (For +how many years has that word 'future' stood for anxiety, gloom, +depression, and worry?) 'Such a capable fellow as you are should be +earning good pay, and, if you don't need it now, banking it against +the day when you will want it.' (My father was on firmer ground now, +and a characteristic smile began to lighten his eyes and voice, +besides showing upon his expressive mouth. I am not sure that I ever +heard him laugh outright; but his chuckle was a choice incentive to +merriment, and he had a smile of exceptional sweetness.) 'There'll be +a Mrs. Ted presently, you know, and how should I ever win her +friendship, as I hope to, if she knew I had helped to prevent her lord +and master from getting together the price of a home? No, no, Ted; we +can't let you do that. But if anything I can say or write will help +you to a place worth having, I'm very much at your service; and if you +will come and pay us a visit whenever you feel like sparing a Sunday +or holiday, we shall both take it kindly in you, and Nick here will +bless you for it, won't you, Nick?' + +I agreed in all sincerity, and so the matter was decided. But Ted +positively insisted on being allowed to stay one further week with us, +without pay, in order, he said, 'to finish my mate's eddication as a +bushman.' 'My mate,' of course, was myself. In the Old World such +freedom of speech would perhaps indicate disrespect, and would almost +certainly be resented as such. But we had learned something of +Australian ways by this time; and if my father's eyebrows may have +risen ever so slightly at that word 'mate,' I was frankly pleased and +flattered by it. Then, as now, I could appreciate as a compliment the +inclination of such a good fellow to give me so friendly a title; and +yet I fear me no genuine democrat would admit that I had any claim to +be regarded as a disciple of his cult! + +His mind deliberately bent on conveying instruction, Ted proved rather +a poor teacher. In that role he was the least thing tiresome, and +given to enlargement upon unessentials, while overlooking the things +that matter. Unconsciously he had taught me much; in his teaching week +he rather fretted me. But, all the same, I was sorry when the end of +it arrived. We had arranged for him to drive with me to the point at +which our track crossed a main road, where we should meet the +storekeeper's cart. There would be stores for me to bring back, and +Ted would finish his journey with the storekeeper's man. Ted insisted +on making me a present of his own special axe, which he treated and +regarded as some men will treat a pet razor. He had taught me to use +and keep it fairly well. I gave him my big horn-handled knife, which +was quite a tool-kit in itself; and my father gave him a hunting-crop +to which he had taken a desperate fancy. + +The storekeeper's man witnessed our parting, and that kept me on my +dignity; but when the pair of them were out of sight, I felt I had +lost a friend, and had many cares upon my shoulders. Driving back +alone through the bush with our stores, I made some fine resolutions. +I was now in my twelfth year, and very nearly a man, I told myself. It +would be my business to keep our home in order, to take particularly +good care of my father, and to see that he was as comfortable as I +could make him. Certainly, I was a very serious-minded youngster; and +it did not make me less serious to find when I got back to the +_Livorno_ that my father was lying in his bunk in some pain, and, as I +knew at first glance, very much depressed. He had strained or hurt +himself in some way in cutting firewood. + +'You oughtn't to have done it, you know, father,' I remember saying, +very much as a nurse or parent might have said it. 'We've plenty +stacked in the main hatch, and you know the wood's my job.' + +He smiled sadly. 'I'm not quite sure that there's any work here that +doesn't seem to be your "job," old fellow,' he said. 'At least, if any +of it's mine, it must be a kind that's sadly neglected.' + +'Well, but, father, you have more important things; you have your +writing. The little outside jobs are mine, of course. I've learned it +all from Ted. You really must trust me for that, father.' + +'Ah, well, you're a good lad, Nick; and we must see if I cannot set to +seriously in the matter of doing some of this writing you talk of. +It's high time; and it may be easier now we are alone. No, I don't +think I'll get up to supper this evening, Nick. I'm not very well, to +tell the truth, and a quiet night's rest here will be best for me.' + +We had a few fowls then in a little bush run, and I presently had a +new-laid egg beaten up for my patient. This he took to oblige me; but +his 'quiet night's rest' did not amount to much, for each time I waked +through the night I knew, either by the light burning beside him, or +by some slight movement he made, that my father was awake. + + +VI + + +In this completely solitary way we lived for some eight months after +Ted left us. There were times when my father seemed cheery and in much +better health. In such periods he would concern himself a good deal in +the matter of my education. + +'It may never be so valuable to you as Ted's "eddication,"' he said; +'but a gentleman should have some acquaintance with the classics, +Nick, both in our tongue (the nobility of which is not near so well +understood as it might be) and in the tongues of the ancients.' + +Once he said: 'We have lived our own Odyssey, old fellow, without +writing it; but I'd like you to be able to read Homer's.' + +As a fact, I never have got so far as to read it with any comfort in +the original; and I suppose a practical educationalist would say that +such fitful, desultory instruction as I did receive from my father in +our cuddy living-room on board the _Livorno_ was quite valueless. But +I fancy the expert would be wrong in this, as experts sometimes are. +In the schoolman's sense I learned little or nothing. But natheless I +believe these hours spent with my father among his books, and yet +more, it may be, other hours spent with him when he had no thought of +teaching me, had their very real value in the process of my mental +development. If they did not give me much of actual knowledge, they +helped to give me a mind of sorts, an inclination or bent toward those +directions in which intellectual culture is obtainable. Else, surely, +I had remained all my days a hewer of wood and a drawer of water--with +more of health in mind and body and means, perhaps, than are mine to-day! +Well, yes; and that, too, is likely enough. At all events I +choose to thank my father for the fact that at no period of my life +have I cared to waste time over mere vapid trash, whether spoken or +printed. + +Outside his own personal feelings and mental processes, the which he +never discussed with me, there was no set of subjects, I think, that +my father excluded from the range of our conversations. Indeed, I +think that in those last months of our life on the _Livorno_, he +talked pretty much as freely with me, and as variously, as he would +have talked with any friend of his own age. In the periods when we +were not together, he would be sitting at the saloon table, with paper +and pens before him, or pacing the seaward side of the poop, or lying +resting in his bunk, or on the deck. Frequent rest became increasingly +necessary for him. His strength seemed to fade out from him with the +mere effluxion of time. He often spoke to me of the curious effects +upon men's minds of the illusions we call nostalgia. But he allowed no +personal bearing to his remarks, and never hinted that he regretted +leaving England, or wished to return there. + +Physically speaking, I doubt if any life could be much healthier than +ours was on the _Livorno_. Dress, for each of us alike, consisted of +two garments only, shirt and trousers. Unless when going inland for +some reason, we went always barefoot. Of what use could shoes be on +the _Livorno's_ decks--washed down with salt water every day--or the +white sands of the bay. Our dietary, though somewhat monotonous, was +quite wholesome. We lacked other vegetables, but grew potatoes, +pumpkins, and melons in plenty. Fresh fish we ate most days, and +butcher's meat perhaps twice or thrice a week. Purer air than that we +breathed and lived in no sanatorium could furnish, and the hours we +kept were those of the nursery; though, unfortunately, bed-time by no +means always meant sleeping-time for my father. + +Withal, even my inexperience did not prevent my realisation of the +sinking, fading process at work in my father. Its end I did not +foresee. It would have gone hard with me indeed to have been +consciously facing that. But I was sadly enough conscious of the +process; and a competent housewife would have found humorous pathos, +no doubt, in my efforts, by culinary means, to counteract this. My +father's appetite was capricious, and never vigorous. There was a +considerable period in which I am sure quite half my waking hours (not +to mention dream fancies and half waking meditations in bed) were +devoted to thinking out and preparing special little dishes from the +limited range of food-stuffs at my command. + +'A s'prise for you this morning, father,' I would say, as I led the +way, proudly, to our dining-table, or, in one of his bad times, +arrived at his bunk-side, carrying the carefully pared sheet of +stringy bark which served us for a tray. There would be elaborate +uncoverings on my side, and sniffs of pretended eagerness from my +father; and, thanks to the unvarying kindliness and courtesy of his +nature, I dare say my poor efforts really were of some value, because +full many a time I am sure they led to his eating when, but for +consideration of my feelings, he had gone unnourished, and so +aggravated his growing weakness. + +'God bless my soul, Nick,' he would say, after a taste of my latest +concoction; 'what would they not give to have you at the Langham, or +Simpson's? I believe you are going to be a second Soyer, and control +the destinies of empires from a palace kitchen. Bush cooking, +forsooth! Why this--this latest triumph is nectar--ambrosial stuff, +Nick--more good, hearty body in it than any wines the gods ever +quaffed. You'll see, I shall begin forthwith to lay on fat, like a +Christmas turkey.' + +My father could not always rise to such flights, of course; but many +and many a time he took a meal he would otherwise have lacked, solely +to gratify his small cook. + +There came a time when my father passed the whole of every morning in +bed, and, later, a time when he left his bunk for no more than an hour +or two each afternoon. The thought of seeking a doctor's help never +occurred to me, and my father never mentioned it. I suppose we had +grown used to relying upon ourselves, to ignoring the resources of +civilisation, which, indeed, for my part, I had almost forgotten. Not +often, I fancy, in modern days has a boy of eleven or twelve years +passed through so strange an experience, or known isolation more +complete. + +The climax of it all dates in my memory from an evening upon which I +returned with Jerry from a journey to the road (for stores) to find my +father lying unconscious beside the saloon table, where his paper and +pens were spread upon a blotting-pad. Fear had my very heart in his +cold grip that night. There was, no doubt, a certain grotesqueness, +due to ignorance, about many of my actions. In some book (of +Fielding's belike) I had read of burnt feathers in connection with +emotional young ladies' fainting fits. So now, like a frightened stag, +I flew across the sand to our fowl run, and snatched a bunch of +feathers from the first astonished rooster my hand fell upon. A few +seconds later, these were smoking in a candle flame, and thence to my +father's nostrils. To my ignorant eyes he showed no sign of life +whatever, but none the less--again inspired by books--I fell now to +chafing his thin hands. And then to the feathers again. Then back to +the hands. Lack of thought preserved me from the customary error of +attempting to raise the patient's head; but no doubt my ignorance +prevented my being of much real service, though every nerve in me +strained to the desire. + +My father's recovery of robust health, or my own sudden acquisition of +a princely fortune, could hardly have brought a deeper thrill of +gladness and relief than that which came to me with the first flutter +of the veined, dark eye-lids upon which my gaze was fastened. A few +moments later, and he recognised me; another few minutes, and, leaning +shakily on my shoulder, he reached the side of his bunk. When his head +touched the pillow, he gave me a wan smile, and-- 'So you see you +can't trust me to keep house even for one afternoon, Nick,' he said. + +This almost unbalanced me, and only an exaggerated sense of +responsibility as nurse and housekeeper kept back the tears that were +pricking like ten thousand needles at my eyes. Savagely I reproached +myself for having been away, and for having no foreknowledge of the +coming blow. In one of his bags my father had a flask of brandy, and, +guided by his directions, I unearthed this and administered a little +to the patient. Promising that I would look in every few minutes, I +hurried off then to relight the galley fire and prepare something for +supper. + +Later in the evening my father became brighter than he had been for +weeks, and, child-like, I soon exchanged my fears for hopes. And then +it was, just as I was turning in, that, speaking in quite a cheery +tone, my father said: + +'I haven't taken half thought enough for you, Nick boy; and yet you've +set me the best possible kind of example. It's easy to laugh at the +simple folks' way of talking about "if anything happens" to one. But +the idea's all right, and ought not to be lost sight of. Well then, +Nick, if "anything" should "happen" to me, at any time, I want you to +harness up Jerry and drive straight away into Werrina, with the two +letters that I left on the cuddy table. One is for the doctor +there--deliver that first--and the other is for a Roman Catholic priest, +Father O'Malley; deliver that next. It is important, and must not be +lost, for there's money in it. I wish it were more--I wish it were. +Bring them here now, Nick.' + +I brought the letters, and they were placed under a weight on the +little shelf over my father's head. + +'Don't forget what I said, Nick; and do it--exactly, old fellow. And +now, let us forget all about it. That gruel, or whatever it was you +gave me just now, has made me feel so comfortable that I'm going to +have a beautiful sleep, and wake up as fit as a fiddle to-morrow. Give +me your hand, boy. There--good-night! God bless you!' + +He turned on his shoulder, perhaps to avoid seeing my tears, and +again, perhaps, I have thought, to avoid my seeing the coming of tears +in his own eyes. He had kissed my forehead, and I could not remember +ever being kissed by him before. For, as long as my memory carried me, +our habit had been to shake hands, like two men.... + +I find an unexpected difficulty in setting down the details of an +experience which, upon the whole, produced a deeper impression on me, +I think, than any other event in my life. When all is said, can any +useful purpose be served by observing at this stage of my task a +particularity which would be exceedingly depressing to me? I think +not. There is assuredly no need for me, of all people, to court +melancholy. I think that, without great fullness at this point in my +record, I can gauge pretty accurately the value as a factor in my +growth of this particular experience, and so I will be very brief. + +On the fifth evening after that of the attack which left him +unconscious on the saloon deck, my father died, very peacefully, and, +I believe, quite painlessly. He spoke to me, and with a smile, only a +few minutes before he drew his last breath. + +'I'm going, Nick--going--to rest, boy. Don't cry, Nick. Best son.... +God bless....' + +Those were the last words he spoke. For two hours or more before that +time, he had lain with eyes closed, breathing lightly, perhaps asleep, +certainly unconscious. Now he was dead. I was under no sort of +illusion about that. Something which had been hanging cold as ice over +my heart all day had fallen now, like an axe-blade, and split my heart +in twain. So I felt. There was the gentle suggestion of a smile still +about the dead lips, but something terrible had happened to my +father's eyes. I know now that mere muscular contraction was +accountable for this, and not, as it seemed, sudden terror or pain. +But the effect of that contraction upon my lonely mind! ... + +Well, I had two things to do, and with teeth set hard in my lower lip +I set to work to do them. With shaking hands I closed my father's +eyelids and drew the sheet over his face. Then I took the two letters +from the shelf and thrust them in the breast of my shirt. + +Walking stiffly--it seemed to me very necessary that I should keep all +my muscles quite rigid--I left the ship, harnessed Jerry, and drove +off into the darkling bush towards Werrina. The sun had disappeared +before I left my father's side, and the track to Werrina was fifteen +miles long. A strange drive, and a queer little numbed driver, +creaking along through the ghostly bush, exactly as a somnambulist +might, the most of his faculties in abeyance. Three words kept shaping +themselves in my mind, I know, and then fading out again, like +shadows. They never were spoken. My lips did not move, I think, all +through the long, slow night drive. The three words were: + +'Father is dead.' + + + + +YOUTH--AUSTRALIA + + +I + + +We wore no uniform at St. Peter's Orphanage, but there were plenty of +other reminders to keep us conscious that we were inmates of an +institution, and what is called a charitable institution at that. At +all events I, personally, was reminded of it often enough; but I would +not say that the majority of the boys thought much of the point. My +upbringing, so far, had not been a good training for institutional +life. And then, again, my ignorance of the Roman Catholic religion was +complete. I had not been particularly well posted perhaps regarding +the church of my fathers--the Church of England; but I had never set +foot in a Roman Catholic place of worship, nor set eyes upon an image +of the Virgin. Occasionally, my father had gone with me to church in +London; but, as a rule, the companion of my devotions had been a +servant. And in Australia neither my father nor I had visited any +church. + +I gathered gradually that my father had once met and chatted with +Father O'Malley for a few minutes in Werrina, learning in that time of +the reverend father's supervisory connection with St. Peter's +Orphanage at Myall Creek, eleven miles down the coast. It is easy now +to understand how, pondering sadly over the question of what should +become of me when 'anything happened' to him, my father had seized +upon the idea of this Orphanage, the only institute of its kind within +a hundred miles. He had never seen the place, and knew nothing of it. +But what choice had he? + +And so I became a duly registered orphan, and an inmate of St. +Peter's. The letter I took to Father O'Malley contained, in bank-notes, +all the money of which my father died possessed. To this day I +do not know what the amount was, save that it was more than one +hundred pounds, and, almost certainly, under three hundred pounds. The +letter made a gift of this money to the Orphanage, I believe, on the +understanding that the Orphanage took me in and cared for me. It also, +I understood, authorised Father O'Malley to sell for the benefit of +the Orphanage all my father's belongings on board the _Livorno_, with +the exception of the books and papers, which were to be held in trust +for me, and handed over to me when I left the institution. Knowing +nobody in the district, I do not see that my father could with +advantage have taken any other course than the one he chose; and I am +very sure that he believed he was doing the best that could be done +for me in the circumstances. + +Like every other habitation in that countryside, the Orphanage was a +wooden structure: hardwood weatherboard walls and galvanised iron +roof. But, unlike a good many others, it was well and truly built, +with a view to long life. It stood three feet above the ground upon +piers of stone, each of which had a mushroom-shaped cap of iron, to +check, as far as might be, the onslaught of the white ant, that +destructive pest of coastal Australia and enemy of all who live in +wooden houses. Also, it was kept well painted, and cared for in every +way, as few buildings in that district were. In Australia generally, +even in those days, labour was a somewhat costly commodity. At the +Orphanage it was the one thing used without stint, for it cost nothing +at all. + +As I was being driven to the Orphanage in Father O'Malley's sulky, +behind his famous trotting mare Jinny, I hazarded upon a note of +interrogation the remark that my father would be buried. + +'Surely, surely, my boy; I expect he will be buried at Werrina +to-morrow.' + +This was on the morning after my delivery of the letters in Werrina. I +had spent the night in Father O'Malley's house. Somehow, I conveyed +the suggestion that I wanted to attend that burying. The priest nodded +amiably. + +'Aye,' he said; 'we'll see about it, we'll see about it, presently. +But just now you're going to a beautiful house at Myall Creek--St. +Peter's. And, if ye're a real good lad, ye'll be let stay there, an' +get a fine education, an' all--if ye're a good lad. Y'r poor father +asked this for ye, like a wise man; and if we can get ut for ye, the +sisters will make a man of ye in no time--if ye're a good lad.' + +'Yes, sir,' I replied meekly; and, so far as I remember, spake no +other word while seated in that swiftly drawn sulky. I learned +afterwards that the reverend father was not only a good judge of +horse-flesh, but a famous hand at a horse deal, just as he was a +notably shrewd man of business, and good at a bargain of any kind. So +I fancy was every one connected with the Orphanage. + +I did not, as a fact, attend my father's funeral, nor was I ever again +as far from Myall Creek as Werrina during the whole of my term at the +Orphanage. + +There were fifty-nine 'inmates,' as distinguished from other residents +there, when my name was entered on the books of St. Peter's Orphanage. +So I brought the ranks of the orphans up to sixty. The whole +institution was managed by a Sister-in-charge and three other sisters: +Sister Agatha, Sister Mary, and Sister Catharine. No doubt the +Sister-in-charge had a name, but one never heard it. She was always +spoken of as 'Sister-in-charge.' There was no male member of the staff +except Tim the boatman; and he was hardly like a man, in the ordinary +worldly sense, since he was an old orphan, and had been brought up at St. +Peter's. He played an important part in the life of the place, +because, in a way, he and his punt formed the bridge connecting us +with the rest of the world. + +St. Peter's stood on a small island, under three hundred acres in +area, at the mouth of the Myall Creek, where that stream opens into +the arm of the sea called Burke Water. Our landing-stage was, I +suppose, a couple of hundred yards from the Myall Creek wharf--the +'Crick Wharf,' as it was always called; and it was Tim's job to bridge +that gulf by means of the punt, which he navigated with an oar passed +through a hole in its flat stern. The punt was roomy, but a cumbersome +craft. + +The orphans ranged in age all the way from about three years on to the +twenties. Alf Loddon was twenty-six, I believe; but he, though strong, +and a useful hand at the plough, or with an axe, or in the shafts of +one of our small carts, was undoubtedly half-witted. We had several +big fellows whose chins cried aloud for the application of razors. And +none of us was idle. Even little five-year-olds, like Teddy Reeves, +gathered and carried kindling wood, and weeded the garden; while boys +of my own age were old and experienced farm hands, and had adopted the +heavy, lurching stride of the farm labourer. + +I suppose there never was a 'charitable' institution conducted more +emphatically upon business lines than was St. Peter's Orphanage. The +establishment included a dairy farm, a poultry farm, and a market +garden. Indeed, at that period, so far as the production of vegetables +went, we had no white competitors within fifty or a hundred miles, I +think. As in many other parts of Australia, the inhabitants of this +countryside regarded any form of market gardening as Chinaman's work, +pure and simple. There were any number of settlers then who never +tasted vegetables from one year's end to another, though the ground +about their houses would have grown every green thing known to +culinary art. In the townships, too, nobody would 'be bothered' +growing vegetables; but, unlike many of the 'cockatoo' farmers, the +town people were ready enough to buy green things; and therein lay our +opportunity. We rarely ate vegetables at St. Peter's, but we +cultivated them assiduously; and sixpence and eightpence were quite +ordinary prices for our cabbages to fetch. + +So, too, with dairy products. We 'inmates' saw very little of butter +at table, treacle being our great standby. (The sisters had butter, of +course.) But St. Peter's butter stamped 'S.P.O.' was famous in the +district, and esteemed, as it was priced, highly. Exactly the same +might be said (both as regards our share of these commodities and the +public appreciation of them) of the eggs and milk produced at St. +Peter's. Save in the way of occasional pilferings I never tasted milk +at St. Peter's; but between us, the members of the milking gang, of +which I was at one time chief, milked twenty-nine cows, morning and +evening. I have heard Jim Meagher, the chief poultry boy, boast of a +single day's gathering of four hundred and sixty-eight eggs; but eggs, +save when stolen, pricked, and sucked raw, never figured in our bill +of fare. At first glance this might appear unbusinesslike, but the +prices obtainable for these things were good, as they still are and +always have been in Australia; and the various items of our +dietary--treacle, bread, oatmeal, tea, and corned beef--could of course +be bought much more cheaply. + +Father O'Malley did most of the purchasing for the Orphanage, and +audited its accounts, I believe. Sister Catharine and the +Sister-in-charge, between them, did all the collecting throughout the +countryside for the Orphanage funds. And I have heard it said they +were singularly adept in this work. I have heard a Myall Creek farmer +tell how the sisters 'fairly got over' him, though, as he told the +story, it seemed to me that in this particular case he had been the +victor. They were selling tickets at the time for a 'social' in aid of +the Orphanage funds. The farmer flatly refused to purchase, saying he +could not attend the function. + +'Ah, well, but ye'll buy a ticket, Misther Jones; sure ye will now, +f'r the Orphanage.' But Mr. Jones was obdurate. Well, then, he would +give a few pounds of tea and sugar? But he was right out of both +commodities. Some of his fine eggs, or, maybe, a young pig? Mr. Jones +continued in his obduracy. He was a poor man, he said, and could not +afford to give. + +'May we pick a basket av y'r beautiful oranges thin, Misther Jones?' +They might not, for he had sold them on the trees. + +'Ah, well, can ye let us have a whip, just a common whip, Misther +Jones, for we've come out without one, an' the horse is gettin' old, +an' needs persuasion.' Mr. Jones would not give a whip, as he had but +the one. + +'Ah, thin, just a loan of it, Misther Jones, till this evening?' No, +the farmer wanted to use the whip himself. + +'Well, well, thin, Misther Jones, I see we'll have to be gettin' +along; so I'll wish ye good-morning--if ye'll just let us have a cup +o' milk each, for 'tis powerful warm this morning, an' I'm thirsty.' +At this the farmer forgot his manners, in his wrath, and said +explosively: + +'The milk's all settin', an' the water tank's near empty, so I'll wish +ye good-morning, _anyhow_, mum!' And this valiant man moved to the +door. + +But I am well assured that such a defeat was a rare thing in the +sisters' experience. Indeed, Mr. Jones made it his boast that he was +the only man in that district--'Prodesdun or Papish'--who ever +received a visit from the Orphanage sisters without paying for it. On +the other hand, it was very generally admitted that no farm in that +countryside was more profitable than ours; and that no one turned out +products of higher quality, or obtained better prices. These smaller +rural industries--dairying, market gardening, and the like--demand +much labour of a more or less unskilled and mechanical sort, but do +not provide returns justifying the payment of high wages. In this +regard St. Peter's was, of course, ideally situated. It paid no wages, +and employed twenty pairs of hands for every one pair employed by the +average producer in the district. + + +II + + +Looking back now upon the period I spent as an 'inmate' of St. Peter's +Orphanage, it seems a queer unreal interlude enough; possessing some +of the qualities of a dream, including brevity and detachment from the +rest of my life. But well I know that in the living there was nothing +in the least dream-like about it; and, so far from being brief, I know +there were times when it seemed that all the rest of my life had been +but a day or so, by comparison with the grey, interminable vista of +the St. Peter's period. + +It appears to me now as something rather wonderful that I ever should +have been able to win clear of St. Peter's to anything else; at all +events, to anything so unlike St. Peter's as the most of my life has +been. How was it I did not eventually succeed Tim, the punt-man, or +become the hind of one or other of the small farmers about the +district, as did most of the Orphanage lads? The scope life offered to +the orphans of St. Peter's was something easily to be taken in by the +naked eye from Myall Creek. It embraced only the simplest kind of +labouring occupations, and included no faintest hint of London, or of +the great kaleidoscopic world lying between Australia and England; no +sort of suggestion of the infinitely changeful and various thing that +life has been for me. + +It is certain that I cherish no sort of resentment or malice where the +Orphanage and its sisters are concerned. But neither will I pretend to +have the slightest feeling of gratitude or benevolence towards them. I +should not wish to contribute to their funds, though I possessed all +the wealth of the Americas. And I will say that I think those +responsible for the conduct of the place were singularly indifferent, +or blind, to the immense opportunities for productive well-doing which +lay at their feet. + +Here were sixty orphans; lads for the most part plastic as clay. The +sisters were the potters. No ruling sovereign possesses a tithe of the +absolute authority that was theirs. They literally held the powers of +life and death. Unquestioned and god-like they moved serenely to and +fro about the island farm, in their floating black draperies, +directing the daily lives of their subjects by means of a nod, a +gesture of the hand, a curt word here or there. They were the only +gods we had. (There was nothing to make us think of them as +goddesses.) And, so blind were they to their opportunities, they +offered us nothing better. By which, I do not mean that our chapel was +neglected. (It was not, though I do not think it meant much more for +any of us than the milking, the wood-chopping, or the window-cleaning.) +But, rather, that these capable, energetic women entirely ignored their +unique opportunities of uplifting us. It was an appalling waste of +god-like powers. + +I could not honestly say that I think the sisters ever gave anything +fine, or approximately fine, to one of their young slaves. They taught +us, most efficiently, to work, to do what Americans call 'Chores.' No +word they ever let fall gave a hint of any real conception of what +life might or should mean. I recall nothing in the nature of an +inspiration. Some of us, myself included, possessed considerable +capacity for loving, for devotion. This latent faculty was never drawn +upon, I think, by any of the sisters. We feared them, of course. We +even respected their ability, strength, and authority. We certainly +never loved them. + +In fact, I do not think it was ever hinted to one of us that there was +anything beautiful in life. There were wonderful and miraculous things +connected with the Virgin and the Infant Christ. But these were not of +the world we knew, and, in any case, they were matters of which Father +O'Malley possessed the key. They had nothing to do with the farm, with +our work, or with us, outside the chapel. Heaven might be beautiful. +There was another place that very certainly was horrible. Meantime, +there was our own daily life, and that was--chores. That this should +have been so means, in my present opinion, a lamentable waste of young +life and of unique powers. I consider that our young lives were +sterilised rather than developed, and that such sterilisation must +have meant permanent and irrevocable loss for every one of the +orphans, myself included. + +But I would be the last to deny the very real capacity and ability of +the sisters in their discharge of the duties laid upon them. I have no +doubt at all about it that they succeeded to admiration in doing what +Father O'Malley and the powers behind him (whoever they may have been) +desired done. I can well believe that the Orphanage justified itself +from a utilitarian standpoint. I believe it paid well as a farm. And I +do not see how any one could have extracted more in charity from the +inhabitants of the district (and, too, from the orphans) than the +sisters did. Oh, I give them all credit for their competence and +efficiency. + +Indeed, I find it little less than wonderful to recall the manner in +which the Sister-in-charge and her three assistants maintained the +perfect discipline of that Orphanage, with never an appeal for the +assistance of masculine brute force. The Australian-born boy is not by +any means the most docile or meek of his species; and, occasionally, a +newly arrived orphan would assert himself after the universal urchin +fashion. Such minor outbreaks were never allowed to produce scenes, +however. We had no intimidating executions; no birch-rods in pickle, +or anything of that sort. Sister Agatha and Sister Catharine were +given rather to slappings, pinchings, and the vicious tweaking of +ears. I have seen Sister Agatha kick an orphan's bare toes, or his +bare shin, with the toe of her boot; and at such times she could throw +a formidable amount of venom into two or three words, spoken rather +below than above the ordinary conversational pitch of her voice. But +ceremonial floggings were unknown at St. Peter's. And indeed I can +recall no breaches of discipline which seemed to demand any such +punishment. + +The most usual form of punishment was the docking of a meal. We fed at +three long tables, and sat upon forms. Meals were a fairly serious +business, because we were always hungry. A boy who was reported to the +Sister-in-charge, say, for some neglect of his work, would have his +dinner stopped. In that case it would be his unhappy lot to stand with +his hands penitentially crossed upon his chest, behind his place at +table, while the rest of us wolfed our meal. By a refinement which, at +the time, seemed to me very uncalled for, the culprit had to say +grace, before and after the meal, aloud and separately from the rest +of us. + +There were occasions upon which we were one and all found wanting. +Eggs had been stolen, work had been badly done; something had happened +for which no one culprit could be singled out, and all were held to +blame. Upon such an occasion we were made to lay the dinner-tables as +usual, and to wait upon the sisters at their own table, and for the +rest of an hour to stand to attention, with hands crossed around the +long tables. Then we cleared the tables and marched out to work, each +nursing the vacuum within him, where dinner should have been, and, +presumably, resolving to amend his wicked ways. + +Boys are, of course, curious creatures. I have said that we were +always hungry. I think we were. And yet the staple of our breakfast +(which never varied during the whole of my time there) was never once +eaten by me, though I was repeatedly punished for leaving it. The dish +was 'skilly,' or porridge of a kind, with which (except on the +church's somewhat numerous fast-days) we were given treacle. The +treacle I would lap up greedily, but at the porridge my gorge rose. I +simply could not swallow it. Ordinary porridge I had always rather +liked, but this ropy mess was beyond me; and, hungry though I was, I +counted myself fortunate on those mornings when I was able to go empty +away from the breakfast-table without punishment for leaving this +detestable skilly. If Sister Agatha or Sister Catharine were on duty, +it meant that I would have at least one spoonful forced into my mouth +and held there till cold sweat bedewed my face. In addition there +would be pinchings, slappings, and ear-tweakings--very painful, these +last. And sometimes I would be reported, and docked of that day's +dinner to boot. But Sister Mary would more often than not pass me by +without a glance at my bowl, and for that I was profoundly grateful. +In fact, I could almost have loved that good woman, but that she had a +physical affliction which nauseated me. Her breath caused me to +shudder whenever she approached me. She had a mild, cow-like eye, +however, and I do not think I ever saw her kick a boy. + +Yes, when I look back upon that queer chapter of my life, I am bound +to admit that, however much they may have neglected opportunities that +were open to them, as moulders of human clay, those four sisters did +accomplish rather wonderful results in ruling St. Peter's Orphanage, +without any appeal to sheer force of arms. There were young men among +us, yet the sisters' rule was never openly defied. I think the secret +must have had to do chiefly with work and food. We were never idle, we +were always hungry, and we never had any opportunities for relaxation. +I never saw any kind of game played at the Orphanage; and on Sundays +devotions of one kind or another were made to fill all intervals +between the different necessary pieces of work, such as milking, +feeding stock, cleaning, and so forth. + +We began the day at five o'clock in the summer, and six in the winter, +and by eight at night all lights were out. We had lessons every day; +and there, oddly enough, in school, the cane was adjudged necessary, +as an engine of discipline, and used rather freely on our hands--hands, +by the way, which were apt at any time to be a good deal +chipped and scratched, and otherwise knocked about by our outdoor +work. So far as I remember our schooling was of the most primitive +sort, and confined to reading aloud, writing from dictation, and +experimenting with the first four rules of arithmetic. History we did +not touch, but we had to memorise the names of certain continents, +capitals, and rivers, I remember. + +All this ought to have been the merest child's play for me; it +certainly was a childish form of study. But I did not appear to pick +up the trick of it, and I remember being told pretty frequently to +'Hold out your hand, Nicholas!' I had a clumsy knack of injuring my +finger-tips, and getting splinters into my hands, in the course of +outdoor work. The splinters produced little gatherings, and I dare say +this made penmanship awkward. I know it gave added terrors to the +canings, and, too, I thought it gave added zest to Sister Agatha's use +of that instrument in my case. Unfortunately for me Sister Agatha, and +not the mild-eyed Sister Mary, was the schoolmistress. + +It may be, of course, that I lay undue stress upon the painful or +unpleasant features of our life at the Orphanage, because I was +unhappy there, and detested the place. But certainly if I could recall +any brighter aspects of the life there I would set them down. I do not +think there were any brighter aspects for me, at all events. I not +only had no pride in myself here; I took shame in my lot. + +On the first Sunday in each month visitors were admitted. Any one at +all could come, and many local folk did come. They made it a kind of +excursion. I was glad that our devotions kept us a good deal out of +the visitors' way, because, especially at first, I had a fear of +recognising among them some one of the handful of people in Australia +whom I might be said to have known--fellow-passengers by the +_Ariadne_. The thought of being recognised as an 'inmate' by Nelly +Fane was dreadful to me; and even more, I fancy, I dreaded the mere +idea of being seen by Fred-without-a-surname. I pictured him grinning +as he said: 'Hallo! you in this place? You an orphan, then?' I think I +should have slain him with my wood-chopping axe. + +On these visitors' days we all wore boots and clothes which were never +seen at other times. I hated mine most virulently, because they were +not mine, but had been worn by some other boy before they came to me. +It was never given to me to learn what became of the ample store of +clothing I had on board the _Livorno_. The sisters were exceedingly +thorough in detail. On the mornings of these visitors' Sundays, before +going out to work, we 'dressed' our beds. That is to say we were given +sheets, and made to arrange them neatly upon our beds. Before retiring +at night we had to remove these sheets and refold them with exact +care, under the sister's watchful eyes, so that they might be fresh +and uncreased for next visitors' Sunday. We never saw them at any +other times. Our boots really were rather a trial. Running about +barefoot all day makes the feet swell and spread. It hardens them, +certainly, but it makes the use of boots, and especially of hard, +ill-fitting boots, abominably painful. + +And with it all, having said that I detested the place and was unhappy +during all my time there, how is it I cannot leave the matter at that? +For I cannot. I do not feel that I have truly and fully stated the +case. It is not merely that I have made no attempt to follow my life +there in detail. No such exhaustive and exhausting record is needed. +But I do desire to set down here the essential facts of each phase in +my life. + +I have referred already to the precociously developed trick I had of +savouring life as a spectator, of observing myself as a figure in an +illustrated romance--probably the hero. Now, as I am certain this +habit was not entirely dropped during my life at St. Peter's, I think +one must argue that I cannot have been entirely and uniformly unhappy +there. Indeed, I am sure I was not, because I can distinctly remember +luxuriating in my sadness. I can remember translating it into unspoken +words, the while my head was cushioned in the flank of a cow at +milking time, describing myself and my forlorn estate as an orphan and +an 'inmate' to myself. And, without doubt, I derived satisfaction from +that. I can recall picturesquely vivid contrasts drawn in my mind +between Master Nicholas Freydon, as the playmate of Nelly Fane on the +_Ariadne_, and the son of the distinguished-looking Mr. Freydon whom +every one admired, and as the 'inmate' of St. Peter's, trudging to and +fro among the other orphans, with corns on the palms of his hands and +bruises and scratches on his bare legs and feet. + +And then when visitors were about: 'If they only knew,' 'If they could +have seen,' 'If I were to tell them'--such phrases formed the +beginning of many thoughts in my mind. I can remember endeavouring to +mould my expression upon such occasions to fit the part I consciously +played; to adopt the look I thought proper to the disinherited +aristocrat, the gently-nurtured child now outcast in the world, the +orphan. Yes, I distinctly remember, when a visitor of any parts at all +was in sight, composing my features and attitude to suit the orphan's +part, as distinguished from that of the mere typical 'inmate,' who, +incidentally, was an orphan too. I found secret consolation in the +conception that however much I might be in St. Peter's Orphanage, I +would never be wholly of it--a real 'inmate' I remember, as I thought +not unskilfully, scheming to arouse Sister Mary's interest in me, as I +had aroused the interest of other people in myself on the _Ariadne_ +and elsewhere, and only relinquishing my pursuit when baffled, upon +contact, by the poor sister's physical infirmity before-mentioned. I +am bound to say that she made less response to my overtures than that +made by the cows I milked, who really did show some mild, bovine +preference for me. + +But there it is. In view of these things I cannot have been wholly +unhappy, for I remained a keenly interested observer of life, and of +my own meanderings on its stage. But I will say that I liked St. +Peter's less than any other place I had known, and that mentally, +morally, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as physically, I was +rather starved there. The life of the place did arrest my development +in all ways, I think, and it may be that I have suffered always, to +some extent, from that period of insufficient nutrition of mind and +body. + + +III + + +The custom of St. Peter's Orphanage was to allow farmers and local +residents generally to choose an orphan, as they might pick out a +heifer or a colt from a stockyard, and take him away for good--or ill. +I believe the only stipulation was that the orphan could not in any +case be returned to St. Peter's. If the selector found him to be a +damaged or incomplete orphan, that was the selector's own affair, and +he had to put up with his bargain as best he might. The person who +chose an orphan in this way became responsible for the boy's +maintenance while boyhood lasted, and I believe it was not customary +to send out lads under the age of ten or twelve years. After a time +the people who took these lads into their service were, theoretically, +supposed to allow them some small wage, in addition to providing them +with a home. + +It was rather a blow to my self-esteem, I remember, to see my +companions being removed from the institution one by one as time ran +on, and to note that nobody appeared to want me. I may have been +somewhat less sturdy than the average run of 'inmates,' but I think we +were all on the spare and lean side. It is possible, however, that in +view of my father's legacy to St. Peter's, the authorities felt it +incumbent upon them to keep me. The departure of a boy always had an +unsettling effect upon me; and when, as happened now and again, an +ex-inmate paid us a visit on a Sunday, possibly with members of the +family with whom he worked, I was filled with yearning interest in the +life of the world outside our island farm and workshop. + +But these yearnings of mine were quite vague; mere amorphous +emanations of the mind, partaking of the nature of nostalgia, and +giving birth to nothing in the shape of plans, nor even of definite +desires. Then, suddenly, this vague uneasiness became the dominant +factor in my daily life, as the result of one of those apparently +haphazard chances upon which human progress and development so often +seem to pivot. + +In the late afternoon of a visitors' Sunday, as I was making my way +down to the milking-yard with a pail on either arm, my eyes fell upon +the broad shoulders of a man who was leaning contemplatively over the +slip-rails of the yard. The sight of those shoulders sent a thrill +right through me; it touched the marrow of my spine. I, who had +thought myself the most forlorn and friendless of orphans; I had a +friend, and he was here before me. There was no need to see his face. +I knew those shoulders. + +'Ted!' I cried. And positively I had to exercise deliberate +self-restraint to prevent myself from rushing at our _Livorno_ friend and +factotum, and flinging my arms about him, as in infantile days I had +been wont to make embracing leaps at Amelia from the kitchen table of +the house off Russell Square. + +'God spare me days! Is it you, then, chum?' exclaimed Ted, as he swung +round on his high heels. (In those days the Sunday rig of men like Ted +Reilly comprised much-polished, pointed-toe, elastic-side boots with +very high heels, and voluminously 'bell-bottomed' trousers.) I rattled +questions at him, as peas from a pea-shooter; and when I had laid +aside my buckets he pumped away at my right arm, as though providing +water to put a fire out. + +It seemed he had only that week returned to the district, after a long +spell of wandering and desultory working in southern Queensland. No, +he had not had time yet to go out to the _Livorno_, and he had not +heard of my father's death--'Rest his soul for as good an' kindly a +gentleman as ever walked!' And so--'Spare me days!'--I was an orphan +at St. Peter's! The queer thing it was he had taken it into his head +to be wandering that way, an' all, having nothing else to do to pass +the time, like! How I blessed the casual ways of the man, the marked +absence of 'Systum' in his character, that led him to make such +excursions! He squatted beside me on his heels, whilst I, fearing +admonition from above, got to work with my cows, and saw the rest of +the milking gang started. + +Passionate disappointment swept across my mind when I learned that he +had been several hours on the island before I saw him, and that it +wanted now but ten minutes to five o'clock, the hour at which the punt +made its last trip with visitors. And in almost the same moment joy +shook and thrilled me as I realised the romantic hazard of our meeting +at all, which was accentuated really by the narrowness of our margin +of time. A matter of minutes and he would be gone. A matter of minutes +and I should never have seen him at all. But that could not have been. +I refused to contemplate a life at St. Peter's in which this +inestimable amelioration (now nearly five minutes old) played no part. +The hopeless emptiness of life at the Orphanage without a meeting with +Ted was something altogether too harrowing to be dwelt upon. It could +not have been borne. + +'You'll be here first thing next visitors' Sunday, Ted--first thing?' +I charged him, as he rose in response to the puntman's bell. 'I +couldn't stand it if you didn't come, Ted.' + +'Oh, I'll come, right enough, chum. But that's a month. Why, spare me +days, surely I---' + +'You'll have to go, Ted. That's his last ring. Sister Agatha's +looking. Don't seem to take much notice o' me, Ted, or she might-- Oh, +good-bye, Ted! Don't seem to be noticing. Good-bye, good-bye!' + +My head was back in the cow's flank now, and very hot tears were +running down my cheeks and into the milk-pail. My lip was cut under my +front teeth, and--'Oh, Ted, first thing in the morning--don't forget +the Sunday,' I implored, as he passed away, drawing one hand +caressingly across my shoulder as he went. + +In a hazy, golden dream I finished my milking, staggering and swaying +up to the dairy under my two brimming pails, and turned to the +remaining tasks of the evening, longing for bed-time and liberty to +review my amazing good fortune in privacy; thirsting for it, as a +tippler for his liquor. I dared not think about it at all before +bed-time. In some recondite way it seemed that would have been indecent, +an exposure of my new treasure to the vulgar gaze. Now, it was +securely locked away inside me, absolutely hidden. And there it must +remain until, lights being doused, I could draw it out under the +friendly cover of my coarse bed-clothes (after visiting-day sheets had +been removed) and voluptuously abandon myself to it. Meantime, I moved +among my fellows as one having possession of a talisman which raised +him far above the cares and preoccupations of the common herd. I even +looked forward with pleasure to the next day, to Monday! I should have +no breakfast. Sister Agatha would be on duty. I should be pestered, +and probably robbed of dinner, too. But what of that? The coming of +that cheerless and hungry Monday would carry me forward one whole day +toward the next visitors' Sunday, and--Ted. + +I had not begun yet to consider in any way the question of how seeing +Ted could help me. Enough for me that I had seen him; that I had a +friend; and that I should see him again. Indeed, even if I had had no +hope of seeing him again, I still should have been thrilled through +and through by the delicious kindliness, the romantic interest of the +thought that, out there in the world beyond Myall Creek, I had a +friend; a free and powerful man, moving about independently among the +citizens of the great world, in which Sister Agatha was a mere nobody; +in which all sorts of delightful things continually happened, in which +task work was no more than one incident in a daily round compact of +other interests, hazards, meetings, and--and of freedom. + +It was extraordinary the manner in which ten minutes in the society of +a man, who would have been adjudged by many most uninspiring, had +transformed me. It seemed the mere sight of this simple bushman, in +his 'bell-bottomed' Sunday trousers, had lifted me up from a slough of +hopeless inertia to a plane upon which life was a master musician, and +all my veins the strings from which he drew his magic melodies. + + +IV + + +A week passed, and brought us to another Sunday. On this morning I +stepped out of bed into the dimness of the dawn light, full of +elation. + +'It's only seven weeks now to next visitors' day. In seven weeks I +shall see Ted again. Seven times seven days--why, it's nothing, +really,' I told myself. + +By this time I had devised a plan for helping Time on his way. It +hardly commends itself to my mature judgment, but great satisfaction +was derived from it at the time. It consisted merely of telling myself +in so many words that a month comprised eight weeks. Thus, ostensibly, +I had seven weeks to wait. But my secret self knew that the reality +was incredibly better than that. Next Sunday, outwardly, I should have +only six weeks to wait, the following Sunday only five. And then, a +week later, with only a paltry four weeks to wait, my secret self +would be thrilling with the knowledge that actually the day itself had +come, and only an hour or so divided me from Ted. Childish, perhaps, +but it comforted me greatly; and, to some extent, I have indulged the +practice through life. With a mile to walk when tired, I have caught +myself, even quite late in life, comforting myself with the absurd +assurance that another 'couple of miles' would bring me to my +destination! To the naturally sanguine temperament this particular +folly would be impossible, though its antithesis is pretty frequently +indulged in, I fancy. + +And so it was while going about my various duties, nursing the +pretence that in seven more weeks I should see my friend again, that I +came face to face with the man himself; then, after no more than one +little week of waiting, and when no visitors at all were due. I +gasped. Ted grinned cordially. Sister Mary was on duty. Ted showed her +a note from Father O'Malley, and she nodded amiably. Thrice blessed +goddess! Her fat, white face took on angelic qualities in my eyes. One +little movement of her hooded head, and I was wafted from purgatory, +not into heaven, but into a place which seemed to me more attractive, +into the freedom of the outside world--Ted's world. Not that I was +permitted to leave the island, but, until the time for evening +milking, I was allowed to walk about the farm and talk at ease with +Ted. By a further miracle of the goddess's complaisance I was +permitted to ignore the Orphanage dinner that day, and intoxicate +myself with Ted upon sandwiches and cakes and ginger-beer. That was a +banquet, if you like! + +It seemed that Father O'Malley was quite well disposed toward Ted, and +had even allowed him to make a little contribution (which he could ill +spare) to the Orphanage funds. With what seemed to me transcendent +audacity Ted had actually tried to adopt me, to take me into his +service, as neighbouring farmers took other orphans from St. Peter's. +This had been firmly but quite pleasantly declined; but Ted had been +given permission to come and see me whenever he liked, on Sundays--upon +any Sunday. I could have hugged the man. His achievement seemed +to me little short of miraculous. I figured Ted manipulating threads +by which nations are governed. To be able to bend to one's will august +administrators, people like Father O'Malley! Truly, the world outside +St. Peter's was a wondrous place, and the life of its free citizens a +thing most delectable. + +We talked, but how we did talk, all through that sunny, windy Sunday! +(A bright, dry westerly had been blowing for several days.) I gathered +that Ted was in his customary condition of impecuniosity, and that, +much against his inclination, it would be necessary for him to take a +job somewhere before many days had passed; or else--and I saw, with a +pang of desolate regret, that his own feeling favoured the +alternative--to pack his swag and be off 'on the wallaby'; on the +tramp, that is, putting in an occasional day's work, where this might +offer, and sleeping in the bush. He was a born nomad. Even I had +realised this. And he liked no other life so well as that of the +'traveller,' which, in Australia, does not mean either a bagman or a +tourist, but rather one who strolls through life carrying all his +belongings on his back, working but very occasionally, and camping in +a fresh spot every night. + +It required no great penetration upon Ted's part to see that I was +weary of St. Peter's. (My first day at the Orphanage had brought me to +that stage.) + +'Look here, mate,' he said, late in the afternoon. 'I've got pretty +near thirty bob left, and a real good swag. Why not come with me, an' +we'll swag it outer this into Queensland?' + +I drew a quick breath. It was an attractive offer for a boy in my +position. But even then there was more of prudence and foresight in +me, or possibly less of reckless courage and less of the born nomad, +than Ted had. + +'But how could I get away?' + +'You can swim,' said Ted. 'I'd be waiting for ye at the wharf. We'd be +outer reach by daybreak.' + +'And then, Ted, how should we live?' My superior prudence questioned +him. I take it the difference in our upbringing and tradition spoke +here. + +'Live! why, how does any one live on the wallaby? It's never hard to +get a day's work, if ye want a few bob. Up in the station country they +never refuse a man rations, anyway; it's in the town the trouble is. +I've never gone short, travelling.' + +'I don't think I'd like begging for meals, Ted,' I said musingly. And +in a moment I was wishing with all my heart I could withdraw the +words. It seemed that, for the first time in all our acquaintance, I +had hurt and offended this simple, good-hearted fellow. + +'Beggin', is it?' he cried, very visibly ruffled. 'I'd be sorry to ask +ye to, for it's what I've never done in me life, an' never would. +Would ye call a man a beggar for takin' a ration or a bitter 'baccy +from a station store? Why, doesn't every traveller do the same? An', +for that matter, can't a man always put in a day's work, gettin' +firewood or what not, if he's a mind to? Ye needn't fear Ted Reilly'll +ever come to beggin'!' + +In my eager anxiety to placate my only friend I almost accepted his +offer. But not quite. Some little inherited difference held me back, +perhaps. I wonder! At all events, the thing was dropped between us for +the time; and, before he left, Ted promised he would tackle a bit of +work a Myall Creek farmer had offered him--to clear a bush paddock of +burrajong fern, which had poisoned some cattle. Thus, he would be able +to come and see me again on the following Sunday. On that we parted; +and, before I was half way through my milking, fear and regret +oppressed me as with a physical nausea; fear that I might have lost my +only friend, regret that I had not accepted his offer, and so won to +freedom and the big world outside St. Peter's. + +The night that followed was one of the most unhappy spent by me at St. +Peter's. My prudence appeared to me the merest poltroonery, my remark +about 'begging' the most finicking absurdity, my failure to accept +Ted's offer the most reckless and offensive stupidity. Evidently I was +unworthy of any better lot than I had. I should live and die an +'inmate' and a drudge. I deserved nothing else. In short, I was a very +despicable lad, had probably lost the only friend I should ever have, +and, certainly, I was very miserable. + +Monday brought some softening (helped by the fact that Sister Mary was +on duty at breakfast-time, so that I escaped the addition of +punishment to hunger), and, as the week wore slowly by, hope rose in +my breast once more, and with it a return of what I now regard as the +common-sense prescience which made me hesitate to adopt a swagman's +life. I could not honestly say that I had any definite ideas as to +another and more reputable sort of occupation or career. As yet, I had +not. But I did vaguely feel that there would be derogation in becoming +what my father would have called a 'tramp.' + +My father's memory, the question of what he would have thought of it, +affected my attitude materially. He had accepted it as axiomatic, I +thought, that his son must be a gentleman. My present lot as an +'inmate' of St. Peter's hardly seemed to fit the axiom, somehow; and +Ted, whatever I might think or say about 'beggin'' or the like, was +all the friend I had or seemed likely to have, and a really good +fellow at that. But withal a certain stubbornly resistant quality in +me asserted that there would be a downward step for me, though not for +Ted, or for any of my fellow orphans, in taking to the road; that the +step might prove irrevocable, and that I ought not to take it. I dare +say there was something of the snob in me. Anyhow, that was how I felt +about it. Also, I remember deriving a certain comically stern sort of +satisfaction from contemplation of the spectacle of myself, alone, +unaided, declining to stoop, even though stooping should bring me +freedom from the Orphanage! Yes, there was a certain egotistical +satisfaction in that thought. + +Ted came to see me again on the next Sunday, but our day was far less +cheery than its predecessor had been. We were good friends still, but +there was a subtle constraint between us, as was proved by the fact +that Ted did not again mention the suggestion of my taking to the road +with him. Also, Ted was for the moment a wage-earner, working during +fixed and regular hours for an employer; and I knew he hated that. In +such case he felt as one of the mountain-bred brumbies (wild horses) +of that countryside might be supposed to feel, when caught, branded, +and forced between shafts. + +On the following Sunday Ted's downcast constraint was much more +pronounced, and I saw plainly that my Sabbath visitor was on the eve +of a breakaway. The name of the farmer for whom he had been working +was Mannasseh Ford, and, having such a name, the man was always spoken +of in just that way. + +'I pretty near bruk my back finishing Mannasseh Ford's paddick last +night,' explained Ted moodily. 'There was three days' fair work left +in it when I got there in the morning. But I meant gettin' shut of it, +an' I did. Mannasseh Ford opened his eyes pretty wide when I called up +for me money las' night, an' he looked over the paddick. Wanted to +take me on regler, he did; pounder week an' all found, he said. I +thanked him kindly, him an' his pounder week! Well, he said he'd make +it twenty-five shillin', an' I thanked him for that.' + +Thanks clearly meant refusal with Ted, and I confess he rose higher in +my esteem somehow, for the fact that he could actually refuse what to +me seemed like wealth. I recalled the fact that my father had paid Ted +exactly half this amount, and had found him quite willing to stay with +us for half that again, or even for occasional tobacco money. Perhaps +there was a mercenary vein in me at the time. I think it likely. The +talk of my fellow orphans was largely of wages, and materialism +dominated the atmosphere in which I lived. I know this refusal of +twenty-five shillings a week and 'all found' struck me as tolerably +reckless; splendid, in a way, but somewhat foolhardy, and I hinted as +much to Ted. + +'Och, bother him an' his twenty-five shillin'!' said Ted. 'Just +because I cleared his old paddick, he thinks I'm a workin' bullick. He +offered me thirty shillin' after, if ye come to that; an' I told him +he hadn't money enough in the bank to keep me. Neither has he.' + +'But, Ted,' I urged, 'why not? It's good money, and you've got to work +somewhere.' + +'Aye,' said Ted, his constraint lifting for a moment to admit the +right vagabondish twinkle into his blue eyes. 'Somewhere! An' +sometimes. But not there, mate, an' not all the time, thank ye; not +me. It's all right for Mannasseh Ford; but, spare me days, I'd sooner +be in me grave.' + +I pondered this for a time, while a voice within me kept on repeating +with sickening certainty: 'He's going away; he's going away. You've +lost your friend; you've lost your friend.' And then, as one thrusts a +foot into cold water before taking a plunge: 'Well, then, what shall +you do, Ted?' I asked him. But, for the moment, I was not to have the +plunge. + +'Oh, if ye come to that,' he said, weakly smiling, 'I've money in +hand, an' to spare. Look at the wealth o' me.' And he drew out for my +edification a little bundle of greasy one-pound notes, which, for me, +certainly had a very substantial look. I knew instinctively that my +friend wanted me to help him out by pursuing the inquiry; but for the +time I shirked it, and we talked of other things. Later in the day I +returned to it, as a moth to a candle, undeterred, partly impelled +thereto, in fact, by the assured foreknowledge that the process would +hurt. + +'But what will you do, Ted, now you've given up Mannasseh Ford? Will +you take another job round the Creek here, or----' + +I paused, scanning my only friend's face, and seeing my loss of him +writ plainly in his downcast eyes and half-shamed expression. (I am +not sure but what there may have been more of the human boy, the +child, in Ted, than in myself.) + +'Oh, well, mate,' he said haltingly, and then stopped altogether. He +was drawing an intricate pattern in the dust with the blade of his +pen-knife, a favourite pastime with bushmen. The pause was pregnant. +At last he looked up with a toss of his head. 'Oh, come on, mate,' he +said impatiently. 'Swim across to-night, an' we'll beat up Queensland +way. I tell ye, travellin' 's fine. Ye've got no boss to say do this +an' that. You goes y'r own way at y'r own gait. Ye'd better come.' + +'So you'll go, Ted. I knew you would,' I said, musing in my rather +old-fashioned way. It seems a smallish matter enough now; but I know +that at the time I was conscious of making a momentous sacrifice, of +taking a step of epoch-making significance. Somehow, the very +greatness of the sacrifice made me the more determined about it. I +should lose my only friend, a devastating loss; and the more clearly I +realised how naked this loss would leave me, the more convinced I felt +that my decision was right. There is, of course, a kind of gluttony in +self-denial; one's appetite for sacrifice, and particularly in youth, +may be undeniably avid. + +'Well, I did try to stop,' he muttered, almost sullenly for him. And +then, with that toss of his head, and the glimmering of a frank smile: +'But I can't stick it. Humpin' a swag's about all I'm fit for, I +reckon. You're right, too, it's no game for your father's son.' And +here his kindly face lost all trace of anything but friendliness. +'Only, what beats me is what in the world else can ye do, mewed up in +this--this blessed work'us. That's what has me beat.' + +The crisis was passed, and with it the last of Ted's shamefaced +constraint. It was admitted between us that he must be off again to +his wandering, and that I must stay behind. And now Ted had no thought +for anything but my welfare. There was no more awkwardness between us, +but only the warmth of this good fellow's real affection, and the +almost agreeable melancholy and self-righteous consciousness of wise +denial which possessed me. Ted fumbled under his coat with a packet of +some food he had brought me: 'Spare me days, the cats might give a lad +a bit o' bread to his breakfast--drat 'em!'--and, finally pressed it +into my hands, with injunctions to be careful in opening it, as he had +put a scrap of writing in with it, for me to remember him by. + +And so we parted, with no shadow on our friendship, on the track down +to the punt. + +But though my friend was gone, after these three Sunday visits, and I +was alone again, the influence of his coming remained. I should not +revert to the unhoping inertia of my previous state. Some instinct +told me that. And the instinct was right. My curiosity had been too +fully roused. My relationship to the world of people outside St. +Peter's had been definitely re-established by the kindly, rather +childlike, bushman, and would not again be allowed to lapse. The mere +talk of swimming to the wharf, of cutting the painter, of walking +forth into the real world which was not ruled by a Sister-in-charge--all +this had wrought a permanent change in me. + +The 'scrap of writin'' fumblingly inserted into the packet of cakes was +no writing of Ted's, but a crumpled, greasy one-pound Bank of New South +Wales note; one of his little store, useless to me at St. Peter's--yes; +but, even as my eyes pricked to the emotion of gratitude, some inner +consciousness told me my friend's gift would yet prove of very real use +to me outside the Orphanage, one day. And, before Ted came, I had been +unable to descry any future outside the Orphanage. + + +V + + +I do not remember the exact period that elapsed between Ted's +departure and the visit of the artist, Mr. Rawlence. But it must have +been early winter when Ted was at Myall Creek, because my fifteenth +birthday fell at about that time; and it was spring when Mr. Rawlence +came, for I know the wattle was in bloom then. Very likely it was in +August or September, three or four months after Ted's departure. At +all events my mind was still much occupied by thoughts of the outside +world and of my future. + +Some one had told me that a Sydney artist, a Mr. Rawlence, had +permission to land on the island, as he wished to sketch there. But he +had not been much about the house or the yards, and I had not seen +him. And then, one late afternoon, when I had arrived at the +milking-yards a few minutes before the others of the milking gang, I +stood with two pails in my right hand, leaning over the slip-rails at the +very spot upon which I had caught my first glimpse of Ted at St. +Peter's. I was thinking of that Sunday when I had recognised his broad +shoulders, and recalling the thrill that recognition had brought me. + +The romantic hazardousness of life had for some considerable time now +made its appeal felt by me. It seemed infinitely curious and +interesting to me that I and my father ever should have known Ted +intimately, as one who shared our curious life on the _Livorno_; Ted +who was born and bred there in Werrina; we who came there across +thousands of miles of ocean from the world's far side, from Putney, +from places whose names Ted had never heard. And then that I should +have walked down to that milking-yard with my pails, and, so to say, +stumbled upon Ted, after his long wanderings in Queensland, where at +this moment he was probably wandering again, hundreds of miles away +and, possibly, thinking of me, of that same milking-yard, of these +identical slip-rails and splintery grey fence. A wonderful and +mysterious business, this life in the great world, I thought; and with +that I threw up my left hand to lift the rails down. + +'Oh, hold on! Don't move! Stay as you were a minute!' + +I jumped half out of my skin as these words, apparently spoken in my +very ear, reached me; and, wheeling abruptly round, I saw a man +wearing a very large grey felt hat, and holding pencils and a paper +block in his hands, peering at me from a little wooded hummock at the +end of the cowshed. The skin about his eyes was all puckered up, he +held a pencil cross-wise between his white teeth, and was shaking his +head from side to side as though very much put about over something. + +'What a pity! It's gone now,' he said, as he strode down the slope +towards me. + +He clearly was disappointed about something; but yet I thought that +never since the days when my father was with me had I heard any one +speak more pleasantly, or seen any one smile in kindlier fashion. +Later, I realised that no one I had met since my father's death +possessed anything resembling the sort of manner, address, intonation, +or mental attitude of this Mr. Rawlence. I had no theories then about +social divisions, and the like; but here, I thought, was a man who +would find nobody in the district having anything in common with +himself. By the same token, I thought, had my father been alive this +newcomer would have recognised a possible companion in him. And, +finally, as Mr. Rawlence came to a standstill before me, this absurd +reflection flitted through my mind: + +'If he only knew it, there's me! But he will never know--how could +he?' + +The absurd vanity and audacity of the thought made me blush like a +bashful schoolgirl. The ridiculous pretentiousness of the thought that +in me, the 'inmate' of St. Peter's, this splendid person could find a +companion, impressed me now so painfully that I felt it must be +plainly visible; that the visitor must see and be scornfully amused by +it. Yet, with really extraordinary cordiality, he was holding out his +right hand in salutation. Here again my awkwardness made me bungle. +What he meant by his gesture I could not think. Some amusing trick, +perhaps. It did not occur to me in that moment of self-abasement that +he wished to shake an 'inmate's' hand. + +'Won't you shake?' he asked, with that smile of his--so unlike any +expression one saw on folks' faces at St. Peter's. + +'I beg your pardon,' I faltered, and gave him a limp hand, reviling +myself inwardly for conduct which I felt would utterly and for ever +condemn me in this gentleman's eyes. 'Of course,' I told myself, +'he'll be thinking: "What can one expect from these unfortunate +inmates--friendless orphans, living on charity?"' As a fact, I suppose +no man's demeanour could have been less suggestive of any such +uncharitable thought. + +'I suspect you thought it like my cheek, yelling at you like that. The +fact is, I had just begun to sketch you. See!' + +He showed me his sketch-block, upon which I saw in outline the figure +of a boy carrying pails and leaning over a fence. What chiefly caught +my eye in this was the reproduction of my absurd trousers, one torn +leg reaching midway down the calf, the other in jagged scallops about +my knee. He might have idealised my rags a little, I thought, in my +ignorance. No doubt I had been better pleased if Mr. Rawlence had +endowed me in the sketch with the dress of, say, a smart clerk. And, +apart from the artistic aspect, the man who would sniff at this as +evidence of contemptible snobbishness in me, would take a more lenient +view, perhaps, if he had ever spent a year or two in an orphanage like +St. Peter's. + +'It has the makings of quite a good little character study, I fancy. +Later on, when you're free--perhaps, to-morrow--I'll get you to give +me half an hour, if you will, to make a real sketch of it.' + +It was in my mind that if only I could make a remark of the right kind +I might immediately differentiate myself in this artist's eyes from +the general run of 'inmates.' This again may have been an unworthy and +snobbish thought, but I know it was mine at the time, based in my mind +upon the unvoiced but profound conviction that I was different in +essence from the other orphans. This was not mere conceit, I think, +because it emanated rather from pride in my father than from any +exalted opinion of myself. But, whatever the rights of it, no suitable +remark came to me. Indeed, beyond an incoherent mumble over the +hand-shaking, I might have been a mute for all the part I had so far +taken in this interview. And just then I caught a glimpse of Sister +Agatha emerging from behind the wood-stack at the end of the vegetable +garden, and that gave me something else to think about. + +'Excuse me!' I said, angrily conscious that I was flushing again and +that all my limbs were in my way, and that I was presenting a most +uncouth appearance. 'I must get on with the milking.' And then I made +my plunge. 'Perhaps you would speak to Sister-in-charge. Not this one +here, but Sister-in-charge,' I hurriedly added as Sister Agatha drew +nearer, her thin lips tightly compressed, her gimlet eyes full of +promise of ear-tweakings. 'She would perhaps give me leave to--to do +anything you wanted. I--I am sure she would. Good-bye!' + +Having hurriedly fired this last shot, I bolted into the milking-shed. +Just for an instant I had succeeded in meeting Mr. Rawlence's eye. I +had very much wanted to show him something, as, for example, that I +would gladly do anything he liked, even to the extent of allowing him +to trample all over me--if only I had been a free agent. In some way I +had longed to claim kinship with him, in a humble fashion; to say that +I understood him and his kind, despite my ragged trousers and scarred, +dusty bare feet. Now, with a pail between my knees, and my head in a +cow's flank, I was very sure I had utterly failed to convey anything, +except that I was an uncouth creature. My eyes smarted from +mortification; and the grotesque thought crossed my mind that if only +I had had a photograph of my father, and could have shown it to Mr. +Rawlence, the position would have been quite different! I suppose I +must have been a rather fatuous youth. Also, I was obsessed to the +point of mania by the determination not to become a veritable 'inmate' +of St. Peter's, like my fellows there, however long I might be +condemned to live in the place. + +During the next three days I was greatly depressed by the fact that I +never caught a glimpse of the artist anywhere. In fact, it was said +that he had gone away from Myall Creek altogether. And then, greatly +to my secret joy, the Sister-in-charge sent for me one morning and +said: + +'There is an artist gentleman coming here, Mr. Rawlence. You are to do +whatever he tells you, and carry his things for him while he is here. +Be careful now. I have word from Father O'Malley about this. Be sure +you don't neglect your milking. You can tell the gentleman when you +have to go to that. You can do some wood-chopping after tea, if he +should want you in your chopping time. Run along now, and go over in +the punt with Tim when he goes to meet the gentleman.' + +It would seem the good-will of the Great Powers had once more been +invoked in connection with me; and I learned afterwards that Mr. +Rawlence had not left the district, but had been staying in Werrina +for a few days. While there, no doubt, he had met Father O'Malley, and +very casually, I dare say, had mentioned his fancy for sketching me. +At the time these trivial events stirred me deeply. That Father +O'Malley should have been approached seemed to me a fact of high +portent. If only I had had a portrait of my father! + +As Destiny ruled it, Mr. Rawlence spent but the one day at St. +Peter's, in place of the enthralling vista of days, each of more +romantic interest than its predecessor, of which I had dreamed. He had +news demanding his return to Sydney; and, as he said, he ought not to +have come out to St. Peter's even for this one day. But he wanted to +complete his sketch. So that, in a sense, he really came to see me +again. This radiant being's swift and important movements in the great +world outside the Orphanage were directly influenced by me. It was a +stirring thought, and went some way toward compensating me for the +shattered vista of many days spent in leisurely attendance upon the +man belonging to my father's order. It was thus I thought of him. + +I cannot of course recall every word spoken and every little event of +that momentous day, and it would serve no useful purpose if I could. +It was important for me, less by reason of anything remarkable in +itself, than by virtue of what was going on in my own mind while I +posed for Mr. Rawlence (possibly in more senses than one) and +subsequently carried his paraphernalia for him, showed him his way +about the island, and generally attended upon him. I had hoped that he +would question me about my life before coming to St. Peter's, and he +did. By this time I was at my ease with him, and I think I told my +brief story intelligently. In any case, I interested him; so much I +saw clearly and with satisfaction. I noted, too, that he was impressed +by the name of the London newspaper with which my father had been +connected before his determination to seek peace in the wilds. + +'H'm!' 'Ah!' 'Strange!' 'A recluse indeed!' 'And you think he had +never seen this--St. Peter's, that is, when he wrote the letter +arranging for you to come here? Well, to be sure, there was little +choice, of course, little choice enough, and in such a lonely, +isolated place.' + +I remember these among his exclamations and comments upon my story. +And then he asked me what ideas I had about my future, and I told him, +none. I also told him of Ted's visit and of his offer to me, and my +refusal of it. + +'Yes,' he said, 'that was wise of you, I think; that certainly was +best. In some countries now, in the Old World, one might advise you to +stick to the country. But here-- Well, you know, there must be some +real reason for the rapid growth of the Australian capital cities, and +the comparative stagnation of the countryside. The more cultured +people won't leave the capitals, and that affects country life. Yes, +but why won't they leave the cities? They do in the Old World, for +I've met 'em in the villages and country towns there. But why is it?' + +Mr. Rawlence could hardly have expected an answer from me; but part of +his charm was that he made it seem, while he talked and I listened, +that we were jointly discussing the subject of his monologue, and that +he was much interested by my views. He had that air; his smile and his +manner made one feel that. + +'Well, you know,' he continued, 'it must be partly the crude material +difficulties which the actual and physical conditions of country life +here present to educated people, and partly the fact that our country +in Australia has got no traditions, no associations, no atmosphere. It +is just a negation, a wilderness; not a rural civilisation, but a mere +gap in civilisation. Pioneering is picturesque enough--in fiction. In +fact, it permits of no leisure and no idealisation; and without those +things----' + +Mr. Rawlence paused with outstretched hands, shrugging shoulders, and +the smile of one who should say--'You understand, of course.' My +modest contribution was in three words, delivered with emphatic +gestures of acquiescence--'That's just it.' + +'Exactly,' resumed the artist. 'Without leisure, without time for +anything outside the material things of life, where is your culture? +Where is art? Where is romance? Where, in short, is civilisation? And +so, as I say, I cannot advise you to stick to the country here. No, +one really can't conscientiously advise that, you know.' + +A listener might fairly have supposed that I was a young gentleman of +means who had sought advice as to the desirability of investing +capital in rural New South Wales, and taking up, say, the pastoral +life, in preference to a professional career in Sydney. I pinched my +knees exultingly; perhaps to demonstrate to myself the fact that all +this was no dream. It was I, the orphan, who was carrying on this +thrilling conversation with an accomplished man of the world, a +distinguished artist. I felt that Mr. Rawlence must clearly be a +distinguished artist. + +'And so what--what would you advise me to do?' I asked when a pause +came. And, immediately, I reproached myself, feeling that I had broken +a delightful spell, and risked abruptly ending the most interesting +conversation in which I ever took part. The words of my question had +so crude a sound. They dragged our talk down to a lower plane, to a +plane merely utilitarian, almost squalid by comparison with the +roseate heights we had been easily skimming. That was how the sound of +my own poor words struck me; but my companion was not so easily +dashed. My crudity could not fret his accomplished _savoir-faire_. +(Mr. Rawlence impressed me as the most finished man of the world I had +ever met, with the single exception of my father; and, indeed, the +Sydney artist did shine brightly beside the sort of people I had lived +among of late.) + +'Well,' he said, with smiling thoughtfulness, 'I would advise you, +when--when the time comes, to make your way to Sydney, and to--to work +up a place for yourself there. Of course, there is your native +country--England. Who knows? Some day, perhaps-- But, meantime, I +think Sydney offers better chances than any other place in this +country. Yes, I think so. Have you any special leanings? Is there any +particular work that you are specially keen on?' + +Like a flash the thought passed through my mind: 'What a miserable +creature I must be! There's nothing I particularly want to do. If he +finds that out, there's an end to any interest in me, of course. Why +haven't I thought of this before? What can I say?' And in the same +moment, without appreciable pause, I was startled, but agreeably +startled, to hear my own voice saying in quite an intelligent way: +'Well, my father wrote, of course; his work was literary work, +and--newspapers, you know.' + +I can answer for it that I had never till that moment given a single +thought to any such notion as a literary career for myself. As well +think of a prime minister's career, I should have thought. But, as I +well remember, my very accent, intonation, and choice of words had all +insensibly changed to fit, as I thought, the taste and habit of my new +friend. And I felt it would be an extravagant folly to talk to him as +I had talked with Ted, or as I talked with fellow orphans at St. +Peter's, of 'pound-er-week-an'-all-found' jobs, or the 'good money' +there was 'in carting,' or the fine careers that offered in connection +with the construction of new railways. I had often been told you could +not beat the job of cooking for a shearers' or a navvies' camp; and +that a wideawake boy could earn 'good money' while learning it, as a +rouseabout assistant. It seemed to me that there would have been +something too absurdly incongruous in attempting to talk of such +things to Mr. Rawlence. Hence, perhaps, my audacious suggestion of the +literary career. There I might secure his interest. And, sure enough, +I did. + +'Ah! to be sure, to be sure,' he said, nodding encouragingly. 'Well, +with that in view, Sydney is practically the only place, you know. +Mind you, I don't say it's easy, or that one could hope to make +headway quickly; but gradually, gradually, a fellow could feel his way +there, if anywhere in the colony. It is undoubtedly our centre of art +and literature, and culture generally. At first you might have to do +quite different sort of work; but, while doing it, you know, you could +be always on the lookout, always feeling your way to better things. +Sydney is, at all events, a capital city, you see. There is society in +Sydney, in a metropolitan sense. There is culture. One is continually +meeting interesting people who are doing interesting things. It's not +Paris or London, you know, but----' + +He had a trick of using a radiant smile in place of articulation, by +way of finishing a sentence; and I found it more eloquent than any +words, and, to me, more subtly flattering. It said so clearly, and +more tactfully than words: 'But you follow me, I see; I know _you_ +understand me.' And I felt with rare delight that I could and did +follow this fascinating man, and understand all his airy allusions to +things as far beyond the purview of my present life and prospect as +the heavens are beyond the earth, or as Mr. Rawlence was above an +'inmate' of St. Peter's. To a twentieth-century English artist, Mr. +Rawlence might have seemed a shade crude, possibly rather pompous and +affected, somewhat jejune and trite, perhaps. But our talk took place +in the 'seventies of last century, in New South Wales. The Board +School was a new invention in England, and in Australia there was +quite a lot of bushranging still to come, and the arrival of +transported convicts had but recently ceased. + +I have not attempted to set down anything like the whole of the talk +between the artist and myself; rather, to indicate its quality. Much +of it, I dare say, was trivial, and all of it would appear so in +written form. Its effect upon me was altogether out of proportion to +its real significance, no doubt. It was all new talk to me, but I +admit it is not easy now to understand its profoundly stirring and +inspiring influence. A casual phrase or two, for example, affected my +thoughts for long months afterwards. Mr. Rawlence said: + +'There's an accomplishment coming into general use now that might help +you enormously: phonography, shorthand-writing, you know. I am told it +will mean a revolution in ordinary clerical work, and newspaper work +already rests largely on it. The man who can write a hundred words a +minute--I think that's about what they manage with it--will command a +good post in any office, or on any newspaper, I should think. I should +certainly learn shorthand, if I were you. Perhaps you could get them +to introduce it here.' + +I thought of Sister Agatha, and pictured myself suggesting to her the +introduction of shorthand into our curriculum in the Orphanage school. +And at the same moment I recalled the occasions, only yesterday, upon +which I had had to 'hold out' my hand to this bitterly enthusiastic +wielder of the cane. My palms had purple weals on them at that moment, +tough though they were from outdoor work. I clenched my hands +involuntarily, and was thankful the artist could not see their palms. +That would have been a horrid humiliation; the very thought of it made +me flush. No, this shorthand would hardly be introduced at St. +Peter's; but I would learn it, I thought, all the same; and in due +course I did, to find (again in due course) that even the acquisition +of this mystery hardly represented quite the infallible key to fame +and fortune that Mr. Rawlence thought it in the 'seventies. + +But my attitude toward this sufficiently casual suggestion was typical +of the immensely stirring and impressive influence which all the +artist's talk of that day had upon me. It was undoubtedly most kindly +of him to show all the interest he did in one from whom he could not +by any stretch of the imagination be said to have anything to gain. We +were quite old friends, he said, in his amiable way, by the time +evening approached, and we began to pack up his paraphernalia. My +crowning triumph came when, in leaving, he gave me his card, and wrote +my full name down in his dainty little pocket-book. + +'When you do get to Sydney you must come and look me up without fail. +My studio is at the address on the card, and I'm generally to be found +there. Mind, I shall expect a call as soon as you arrive, and we will +talk things over. I'm certain you'll reach Sydney, by and by. Like +London, at home, you know, it's the magnet for all the ambitious here. +Good-bye, and best of good luck!' + +'Mr. Charles Frederick Rawlence, Filson's House, Macquarie Street, +Sydney,' was what I read on the card. And then, in very small type in +one corner, 'Studio, 3rd Floor.' + +I think it had been the most vividly exciting day in my life up till +then; and, though still an orphan, and officially an 'inmate,' I +walked among the clouds that night; a giant among dwarfs and slaves by +my way of it. Youth--aye, the immemorial magic of it was alive in my +blood on this spring night, if you like; and not all the Sister +Agathas in all the hierarchy of Rome had power to dull the wonder of +it! + + +VI + + +'If it's to be done at all, why not now? There's nothing to be gained +by waiting. I'm only wasting time.' + +Phrases of this sort formed the burden of all my thoughts for a number +of weeks after my memorable 'day out' (as the servants say) with the +Sydney artist. I no longer debated with myself at all the question as +to whether or not I should leave the Orphanage. It would have seemed +treachery to my new self, and in a way to Mr. Rawlence (my source of +inspiration) to debate the point. It was quite certain then that I +should take my fate into my own hands, leave St. Peter's, and make an +attempt to win my way in the world alone. + +Having no belongings, no friends to consult, no possessions of any +sort or kind (save Ted's one-pound note, and a neatly bound manuscript +volume of bush botany, which latter treasure had been in my pocket on +the day of my father's death, and so had remained mine), there really +were no preparations for me to make. And so, as I said to myself a +score of times a day: 'There's nothing to be gained by waiting.' +Still, I waited, some underlying vein of prudence in me, or of +cowardice, offering no reason--no reason against the move, no +objection, but just negation, the inertia of that which is still. But, +yes, I was most certainly going, and soon. That was my last waking +thought every night when I dug my head into my straw pillow, and my +first waking thought when I swung my feet down to the floor. I was +going out into the world to make my own way. + +I was too closely engaged by the material aspect of my position to +spare thoughts for its abstract quality. But, looking back from the +cool greyness of later life, one sees a wistful pathos, and, too, a +certain stirring fineness in the situation. And if that is so, how +infinitely the pathos and the fineness are enhanced by this thought: +Every day in the year, in every country in the world, some lad, +somewhere, is gazing out toward life's horizon, just as I was, and +telling himself, even as I did, that he must start out upon his +individual journey; for him the most important of all the voyages ever +undertaken since Adam and Eve set forth from their garden. I suppose +it is rarely that a long distance train enters a London terminal but +what one such lad steps forth from it, bent upon conquest, and, in how +many cases, bound for defeat! Even of Sydney the same thing was and is +true, on a numerically smaller scale. + +In all lands and in all times the outsetting is essentially the same: +the same high hopes and brave determinations; the same profound +conviction of uniqueness; the same perfectly true and justifiable +inner knowledge that, for the individual, this journey is the most +important in all history. In many cases, of course, there are a +mother's tears, a father's blessing, and suchlike substitutes for the +stirrup-cup. And, withal, in every single case, how absolutely alone +the young voyager really is, and must be! For our scientists have not +as yet discovered any means of precipitating the experience gleaned in +one generation (or a thousand) into the hearts and minds of another +generation. Circumstances differ vastly, of course; but the central +facts are the same in every case; the traveller must always be alone. +The adventure upon which he sets out, be he prince or pauper, +university graduate or 'inmate' of St. Peter's, is one which cannot be +delegated by him, or taken from him, for it is his own life; his and +his alone, to make or to mar, to perfect or to botch, to cherish or to +waste, to convert into a fruitful garden, or to relinquish, when his +time comes, a sour and derelict plot of barrenness. + +And this tremendous undertaking, with all its infinite potentialities +of good and evil, joy and agony, pride and despair, is in every +country approached by somebody, by some one of our own kind, every +single morning, and has been down through the ages since time began, +and will be while time lasts. And there are folk who call modern life +prosaic, dull, devoid of romance. Romance! Why, in the older lands +there is hardly a foot of road space that has not been trodden at one +time or another by youth or maid, in the crucial moment of setting out +upon this amazing adventure. There are men and women who drum their +fingers on a window-pane after breakfast of a morning, and yawn out +their disgust at the empty dullness of life, the vacant boredom of +another day. And within a mile of them, as like as not, some one is +setting forth--lips compressed, brow knit--upon the great adventure. +And, too, some one else is face to face with the other great +adventure--the laying down of life. Somewhere close to us every single +morning brings one or other, or both of these two incomparably +romantic happenings. + +Truly, to confess ennui, or make complaint of the dullness of life, is +to confess to a sort of creeping paralysis of the mind. To be weary is +comprehensible enough. Yes, God knows I can understand the existence +of weariness or exhaustion. To be bored even is natural enough, if one +is bored by, say, forced inaction, or obligatory action of a futile, +meaningless kind. But negative boredom; to be uninterested, not +because adverse circumstances confine you to this or that barren and +uncongenial milieu, but because you see nothing of interest in life as +a whole; because life seems to you a dull, empty, or prosaic +business--that argues a kind of blindness, a poverty of imagination, +which amounts to disease, and, surely, to disease of a most humiliating +sort. + +But this is digression of a sort I have not hitherto permitted myself +in this record. To be precise, I should say, it is digression of a +sort which up till now has, when detected, been religiously +expunged--sent to feed my fire. Well, one has always pencils; the fire is +generally at hand; we shall see. After all, a great deal of one's life +is made up of digressions. + + +VII + + +In the summer-time there were sharks in Myall Creek, but I had never +seen them there in the spring. It was, I think, still somewhere short +of midnight when I stepped quietly out of the low window of the room I +shared with seven other orphans. (The house was all of one storey.) I +would have taken boots, but, excepting on visitors' Sundays, these +were kept in a locked cupboard in the sisters' building. My outfit +consisted of a comparatively whole pair of trousers--not those +immortalised in Mr. Rawlence's sketch--a strong, short-sleeved shirt +of hard, grey woollen stuff, a dilapidated waistcoat, a belt, my +little book of bush flowers and trees, and my one-pound note. Oh, and +an ancient grey felt hat with a large hole in the crown of it. That +was all; but I dare say notable careers have been started upon less; +in cash, if not in clothing. + +Beside the punt I hesitated for a few moments, half inclined to cross +by that obvious means, and leave Tim to do the swimming by daylight. +Finally, however, I slipped off my clothes, tied them in a bundle on +my head, and stepped silently into the water, closely and interestedly +observed by one of the Orphanage watch-dogs, chained beside the +landing-stage. If he had barked, it would have been only from desire +to come with me, in which case, to save trouble, I should probably +have become guilty of dog-stealing. The dogs were all good friends of +mine. + +The water was cold that spring night, but I was soon out of it, and +using my shirt for a hard rub down in the scrub beside the creek +wharf. As a precaution I had waited for a moonless night, and had made +my exit with no more noise than was caused by one of the night birds +or little beasts that visited our island. I had seen maps, and knew +the compass bearings of the locality. My ultimate destination being +Sydney, I turned to the southward, and stepped out briskly along the +track leading towards Milton, and away from Werrina. + +That was the simple fashion of my outsetting into the world, and for a +time I gave literally no thought at all to its real significance. My +recognition of it as the beginning of the great adventure of +independent life was temporarily obscured by my preoccupation with its +detail. + +At the end of a silent hour or two, when I suppose half a dozen miles +lay between myself and the Orphanage, the reflective faculties came +into play again. I began to see my affair more clearly, and to see it +whole, or pretty nearly so. From that point onward, I put in quite a +good deal of steady thinking with regard to the future. I had two or +three definite objects in view, and the first of these was to reach as +quickly as possible some point not less than about fifty miles distant +from Myall Creek, at which I could feel safe from any likely encounter +with a chance traveller from that district. + +So much accomplished my plans represented in effect a pedestrian +journey to Sydney. But I recognised that the journey might occupy some +time, since, in the course of it, I was to earn money and then learn +shorthand; the money, by way of working capital and insurance against +accidents; the shorthand, to furnish my stock-in-trade and passport in +the metropolitan world. So mine was not to be exactly a holiday +walking tour. Yet I do not think any one could have set out upon a +holiday tour with more of zest than I brought to my tramping. My mood +was not of gaiety, rather it was one attuned to high and almost solemn +emprise; but, yes, I was full of zest in my walking. + +An hour or so before daybreak I lay down on some dead fern at the foot +of a huge and sombre red mahogany tree, where the track forked. It was +partly that I wanted a rest, and partly that I was uncertain which +track led to the township of Milton, where I purposed buying some food +before any chance word of my flight from the Orphanage could have +travelled so far. The authorities at the Orphanage were little likely +to trouble themselves greatly over a runaway orphan; but I cherished a +hazy idea that in my case the matter might be somehow a little +different, in the same way that I had not been farmed out to any one +in the district, possibly because in receiving me St. Peter's had also +received some money, certainly more than could be represented by the +cost of my maintenance. In any case, I did not want to take any +unnecessary risks. + +Two minutes after lying down I was asleep. When I waked the sun was +clear of the horizon, and I was partly covered over by dead bracken. +The dawn hours had been chilly, and evidently I had grappled the fern +leaves to me in my sleep, as one tugs a blanket over one's shoulder, +without waking, when cold. While I was chuckling to myself over this, +and picking the twigs from my clothes, I heard the pistol-like crack +of a bullock whip, and then, quite near at hand, the cries of a +'bullocky,' as they called the bullock-drivers thereabout, full of +morning-time vehemence. + +'Woa, Darkey! Gee, Roan! Baldy, gee! Nigger! Strawberry! Gee, now, +Punch! I'll ----y well trim you in a minute, me gentleman. Gee, Baldy; +ye ----y cow, you!' + +It was thus the unseen bushman discoursed to his cattle, and in a +minute or two the horns of his leaders, swaying slightly in their +yoke, appeared at the bend of the track, the bolt-heads in the yoke +shining like bosses of silver in the slanting rays of the new-risen +sun. Clearly the wagon had been loaded overnight, for the huge +tallow-wood log slung on it could hardly have been placed in its bed +since sun-up. + +'I'm your ----y man, if it's Milton you want,' said the driver +good-humouredly, in response to my inquiries. 'I'm taking this stick into +the Milton saw-mill. ----y solid stick, eh? My oath, yes; there's not +enough pipe in that feller to stick a ----y needle in. No, he ought to +measure up pretty well, I reckon.' A pause for expectoration, and +then: 'Livin' in Milton?' + +'No,' I told him, 'just travelling that way.' I flattered myself I had +put just the right note of nonchalance into what I knew was a +typically familiar sort of phrase. But the bullocky eyed me curiously, +all the same, and I instantly made up my mind to part company with him +at the earliest convenient moment. + +'You travel ----y light, sonny,' he said; 'but I suppose that's the +easiest ----y way, when all's said.' + +'Yes,' I agreed, with fluent mendacity; 'I got tired of the swag, and +I've not very far to go anyway.' + +'Ah! Where might ye be makin' for, then?' +At this point I realised for the first time the grave disadvantages of +redundance in speech, of unnecessary verbiage. There had been no +earthly need for my last words, and now that my fatal fluency had +found me out, for the life of me I could not think of the name of a +likely place. At length, with clumsily affected carelessness, I had to +say, 'Oh, just down south a bit from Milton.' + +'H'm! Port Lawson way, like?' suggested the curious bullocky. + +'Yes, that's it,' I said hurriedly. 'Port Lawson way.' + +'Ah, well, I've got a brother works in the ----y saw-mills there. +Ye'll maybe know him--Jim Gray; big, slab-sided chap he is, with his +nose sorter twisted like, where a ----y brumby colt kicked him when he +was a kid. ----y good thing for him it was a brumby, or unshod, +anyway; he'd a' bin in Queer Street else, I'm thinkin'. Jever meet him +down that way?' + +I admitted that I never had, but promised to look out for him. + +'Aye, ye might,' said the bullocky. 'An', if ye see him, tell him ye +met me--Bill's my name--Bill Gray, ye see--an' tell him-- Oh, tell him +I said to mind his ----y p's an' q's, ye know, an' be good to his ----y +self.' + +I readily promised that I would, and our conversation lapsed for a +time, while Bill Gray filled his pipe, cutting the tobacco on the ball +of his left thumb from a good-sized black plug. For the rest of our +walk together, I used extreme circumspection, and was able to confine +our desultory exchanges to such safe topics as the bullocks, the +weather, the roads, and so forth, all favourite subjects with bushmen. +And then, as we drew near the one street of the little township, there +was the saw-mill, and my opportunity for bidding good-day to a too +inquisitive companion. + +'So long, sonny,' said he, in response to my salutation. 'Take care of +your ----y self.' (His favourite adjective had long ceased to have any +meaning whatever for this good fellow. He now used it even as some +ladies use inverted commas, or other commas, in writing. And +sometimes, when he had occasion to use a word as long as, say, +'impossible,' he would actually drag in the meaningless expletive as +an interpolation between the first and second syllables of the longer +word, as though he felt it a sinful waste of opportunities to allow so +many good syllables to pass unburdened by a single enunciation of his +master word.) + + +VIII + + +The freedom of the open road was infinitely delightful to me after the +incessant task work of St. Peter's. And perhaps this, quite as much as +the policy of getting well away from the Myall Creek district, was +responsible for the fact that I held on my way, with never a pause for +work of any sort, through a whole week. My lodging at night cost me +nothing, of course; and the expenditure of something well under a +shilling a day provided a far more generous dietary than that to which +St. Peter's had accustomed me. I began to lay on flesh, and to feel +strength growing in me. + +Mere living, the maintenance of existence, has always been cheap and +easy in Australia, where an entirely outdoor life involves no hardship +at any season. This fact has no doubt played an important part in the +development of the Australian national character. The Australian +national character is the English national character of, say, seventy +or eighty years ago, subjected to isolation from all foreign +influences, and to general conditions much easier and milder than +those of England; given unlimited breathing-space, and freed from all +pressure of confined population; cut off also, to a very great extent, +from the influence of tradition and ancient institutions. For the +lover of our British stock and the student of racial problems, I +always think that Australia and its people offer a field of unique +interest. + +I did not come upon Jim Gray, the slab-sided one, in Port Lawson, so +was unable to bid him mind his ensanguined p's and q's. Indeed, up to +this point, I sternly repressed my social instincts, and refrained, so +far as might be, from entering into talk with any one. But after the +third day I began to feel that my freedom was assured, and that the +chances of meeting any one from the Orphanage neighbourhood were too +remote to be worth considering. My tramping became then so much the +more enjoyable, for the reason that I chatted with all and sundry who +showed sociable inclinations, and at that time this included +practically every wayfarer one met in rural Australia. (There has been +no great change in this respect.) + +'The curse o' this country, my sonny boy,' said one red-bearded +traveller whom I met and walked with for some miles, 'is the near-enough +system. It's a great country, all right; whips o' room, good +land, good climate, an' all the like o' that; but, you mark my words, +the curse of it is the "near-enough" system--that an' the booze, o' +course; but mainly it's the "near-enough" system, from the nail in +your trousers in place of a brace button to the saplin's tied wi' +green-hide in place of a gate, an' the bloomin' agitator in parliament +in place of a gentleman. It's "near-enough" that crabs us, every time. +Look at me! I owned a big store in Kempsey one time. You wouldn't +think it to look at me, would ye? Well, an' I didn't booze, either. +But it was "near-enough" in the accounts, an' "near-enough" in the +buyin', an' "near-enough" in the prices, an'--here I am, barely makin' +wages--worse wages than I paid counter hands--cuttin' sleepers. But I +get me tucker out of it, an' me bitter 'baccy, an' that; an'---well, +it's "near-enough," an' so I stick at it.' + +It was on a Sunday morning of delicious brightness and virginal +freshness that I reached the irregularly spreading outskirts of +Dursley, a pretty little town in Gloucester county, the appearance of +which, as I approached it from the highest point of the long ridge +upon whose lower slopes it lay, appealed to me most strongly. Though +still small Dursley is an old town, for Australia. The figures against +it in the gazetteers are not imposing: 'School of Arts, 1800 vols., +etc.--' But, even in the late 'seventies, it possessed that sort of +smoothness, that comparative trimness and humanised air of comfort, +which only the lapse of years can give. Your new settlement cannot +have this attraction, no matter how prosperous or well laid out; and +it is a quality which must always appeal especially to the native of +an old, much-handled land, such as England. A newcomer from old +Gloucester might have thought Dursley raw and new-looking enough, with +its galvanised iron roofs and water-tanks, and its painted wooden +houses, fences, and verandah posts. But in such a matter my standards +had become largely Australian, no doubt. At all events, as I skirted +the orchard fence of the most outlying residence of Dursley, I +remember saying to myself aloud, as my habit was since I had taken to +the road: + +'Now this Dursley is the sort of place I'd like to get a job in. I'd +like to live here, till----' + +'H'm! Outer the mouths o' babes and suckerlings! Tssp! Well, I admire +your perspicashon, youngfellermelad, anyhow, an' you can say I said +so.' + +At the first sound of these words, apparently launched at me from out +the _Ewigkeit_, I spun round on my bare heels in the loamy sand of the +track, with a moving picture thought in my mind of little gnomes in +pointed caps and leathern jerkins, with diminutive miner's picks in +their hands, and a fancy for the occasional bestowal of magical gifts +upon wandering mortals. The picture was gone in a second, of course; +and I glared at the orchard fence as though that should make it +transparent. + +'Higher up, sonny! Think of your arboracious ancestors, an' that +sorter thing.' + +This time my ears gave me truer guidance as to the direction from +which the voice came, and, looking up, I saw a man reclining at his +ease upon a 'possum-skin rug, which was spread on a sort of platform +set between the forked branches of a giant Australian cedar, fully +thirty feet from the ground, and higher than the chimneys of the house +near by. The man's head and face seemed to me as round and red as any +apple, and what I could see of his figure suggested at least a +comfortable tendency to stoutness. Whilst not at all the sort of +person who would be described as an old man, or even elderly, the +owner of the mysterious voice and round, red face had clearly passed +that stage at which he would be spoken of by a stranger as a young +man. + +'He doesn't look a bit like a tree-climber,' I thought. The girth of +the great cedar prevented my seeing the species of ladder-stairway +which had been built against its far side. I had breakfasted as the +sun rose this fine Sunday morning, and walked no more than a couple of +miles since, so that the majority of Dursley's inhabitants had +probably not begun to think of breakfast yet. My 'arboracious' +gentleman, anyhow, was still in his pyjamas, the pattern and colouring +of which were, for that period, quite remarkably daring and bright. + +'Well, young peripatater, I suppose you're wondering now if I've got a +tail, hey? No, sir, I am fundamentally innocent--virginacious, in +fact. But, all the same, if you like to just go on peripatating till +you get to my side gate, and then come straight along to this +arboracious retreat, I will a tale unfold that may appeal greatly to +your matutinatal fancy. So peri along, youngfellermelad, an' I'll come +down to meet ye.' + +'All right, sir, I'll come,' I told him. And those were the first +words I spoke to him, though he seemed already to have said a good +deal to me. + +By this time I had become seized with the idea that here was what is +called 'a character.' I had, as it were, caught on to the whimsical +oddity of the man, and liked it. Indeed, he would have been a +singularly dull dog who failed to recognise this man's quaint good-humour +as something jolly and kindly and well-meaning. The gentleman +spoke by the aid, not alone of his mouth, but of his small, bright, +twinkling eyes, his twitching, almost hairless brows, his hands and +shoulders, and his whole, rosy, clean-shaved, multitudinously lined, +puckered, and dimpled face. And then his words; the extraordinary +manner in which he twisted and juggled with the longer and less +familiar of them--arboreal, peripatetic, matutinal, and the like! He +had an entirely independent and original way of pronouncing very many +words, and of converting certain phrases, such as 'young fellow my +lad,' into a single word of many syllables. I never met any one who +could so clearly convey hyphens (or dispense with them) by intonation. + +Having passed through a small gateway, I skirted the side of a +comfortable-looking house of the spreading, bungalow type, with wide +verandahs; and so, by way of a shaded path, arrived at the foot of the +big cedar, just as the rosy-faced gentleman reached the ground from +his stairway. + +'Well-timed, young peripatater,' he said, with a chuckling smile. I +noticed as he reached the earth that he walked with a peculiar, +rolling motion of the body. He certainly was stout. There were no +angles about him anywhere, nothing but rotundity. Withal, and despite +the curious, rotary gait, there was a suggestion of quickness and of +well-balanced lightness about all his movements. His hands and feet I +thought quite remarkably small. There was a short section of the bole +of a large tree, with a flattened base, lying on the ground near the +stairway. The gentleman subsided upon this airily, as though it had +been made of eider-down, and, crossing his pyjamed legs, beamed upon +me, where I stood before him. + +'Peripatacious by habit, what might your name be, youngfellermelad?' + +I told him, and he repeated it after me, twice, with a distinct +licking of his lips, suggestive of the act of deliberate wine-tasting. + +'Good. Yes. Ah! Nicholas Freydon, Nick to his friends, no doubt. Quite +a mellifluant name. Nicholas Freydon. Tssp! Very good. You'd hardly +think now that my name was George Perkins, would you? Don't seem +exactly right, does it?--not Perkins. But that's what it is; and it's +a significacious name, too, in Dursley, let me tell you. But that's +because of the meaning I've given to it. But for that, it's certainly +an unnatural sort of a name for me. Perkins is a name for a thin man, +with a pointed nose, no chin, a wisp of hair over his forehead, and an +apron. Starch, rice, tapioca: a farinatuous name, of course. But there +it is; it happens to be the name of Dursley's Omnigerentual and +Omniferacious Agent, you see; and that's me. Tssp! Wharejercomefrom, +Nickperry, or Peripatacious Nick?' + +The idea of using precautions with or attempting to deceive this +rosily rotund 'character' seemed far-fetched and absurd. I not only +told him I came from Myall Creek, but also named the Orphanage. + +'Ah! I'm an orphantulatory one myself. You absquatulated, I presume; a +levantular movement at midnight--ran away, hey?' + +I admitted it, and Mr. Perkins nodded in a pleased way, as though +discovering an accomplishment in me. + +'That's what I did, too; not from an orphanage, but from the paternal +roof and shop. My father was a pedestrialatory specialist, a +shoemaker, in fact, and brought me up for that profession. But I gave +up pedestriality, finding omniferaciousness more in my line. Matter of +temperment, of course--inward, like that, with an awl, you know, or +outward, like that'--he swung his fat arms wide--'as an omnigerentual +man of affairs: an Agent. I'm naturally omnigerentual; my father was +awlicular or gimletular--like a centre-bit, y'know. Tssp! So you like +Dursley, hey? Little town takes your fancy as you see it from the +ridge? Kinduv cuddlesome and umbradewus, isn't it? Yes, I felt that +way myself when I came here looking for pedestrial work--repairs a +speciality, y' know. Whatsorterjobjerwant?' + +I found that Mr. Perkins usually wound up his remarks with a question +which, irrespective of its length, was generally made to sound like +one word. The habit affected me as the application of a spur affects a +well-fed and not unwilling steed. I did not resent it, but it made me +jump. On this occasion I explained to the best of my ability that I +wanted whatever sort of job I could get, but preferably one that would +permit of my doing a little work on my own account of an evening. + +'Ha! Applicacious and industrial--bettermentatious ambitions, hey? +Quite right. No good sticking to the awlicular if you've anything +of the embraceshunist in you.' He embraced his own ample bosom +with wide-flung arms, as a London cabman might on a frosty +morning. 'Man is naturally multivorous--when he's not a vegetable. +Howjerliketerworkferme?' + +'Very much indeed,' said I, rising sharply to the spur. + +'H'm! Tssp!' It is not easy to convey in writing any adequate idea of +this 'Tssp' sound. It seemed to be produced by pressing the tongue +against the front teeth, the jaws being closed and the lips parted, +and then sharply closing the lips while withdrawing the tongue inward. +I am enabled to furnish this minutiae by reason of the fact that I +deliberately practised Mr. Perkins's favourite habit before a +looking-glass, to see how it was done. This was on the day after our +first meeting. The habit was subtly characteristic of the man, because it +was so suggestive of gustatory enthusiasm. He was for ever savouring +the taste of life and of words, especially of words. + +'Well, as it happeneth, Nickperry, your desire for a job is curiously +synchronacious with my need of a handy lad. My handy lad stopped being +a lad yesterday morning, was married before dinner, and is now away +connubialising--honeymoon. After which he goes into partnership with +his father-in-law--greens an' fish. It's generally a mistake to make +partnerial arrangements with relations, Nickperry--apt to bring about +a combustuous staterthings. So I wanterandyladyersee.' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'My name is Mister Perkins, Nickperry, not "Sir."' + +'Yes, Mr. Perkins.' + +'That's better. I know you don't mean to be servileacious, but that +English "sir" is--we don't like it in Australia, Nickperry. You are +from the Old Country, aren't you?' + +I admitted it, and marvelled how Mr. Perkins could have known it. + +'H'm! Tssp! Fine ol' institootion the Old Country, but cert'nly a bit +servileacious. D'jerknowhowtermilkercow?' + +'I've been milking four, night and morning, for over two years, +s'--Mister Perkins,' I answered, with some pride. + +'Good for yez, Nickperry. Whataboutgardening?' + +'I worked in the garden every day at the Orphanage, s'--Mister +Perkins.' + +Mr. Perkins smiled even more broadly than usual. 'It's "Mister" not +"Smister" Perkins, Nickperry.' + +I smiled, and felt the colour rise in my face. (How I used to curse +that girlish blushing habit!) + +'Tssp! Well, I see you can take a joke, anyway; an' that's even more +important, really, than horticulturous knowledge. Tssp! There's my +breakfast bell, an' I'm not dressed. Jus' come along this way, +Nickperry.' + +In the neatly paved yard at the back of the house stood a +well-conditioned cow, of the colour of a new-husked horse chestnut. She +was peacefully chewing her cud, oblivious quite to the flight of time. +Mr. Perkins ambled swiftly into the house, rolling out again, as it +seemed within the second, as though he had bounced against an inner wall, +and handing me a milk-pail. + +'Stool over there. Jus' milk the cow for me, Nickperry. +Seeyagaindreckly!' + +And he was gone, having floated within doors, like a huge ball of +thistledown on well-oiled castors. Next moment I heard his mellow, +rotund voice again, several rooms away. + +'Sossidge! Sossidge! Whajerdoin'?' Then a pause. Then--'Keep brekfus' +three minutes, Sossidge; I'm not dressed.' + +With a mind somewhat confused, I turned to the red cow, and my first +task for Mr. Perkins. Bella--I learned subsequently that the cow, when +a young heifer, had been given this name by Mr. Perkins, because she +distinguished herself by bellowing incessantly for a whole night--proved +a singularly amiable beast. I was light-handed, and a fair +milker, I believe. Still, my hands were strange to Bella; yet she gave +down her milk most generously, and, though standing in the open, +without bail or leg-rope, never stirred till the foaming pail was +three parts full, and her udder dry. It was something of a revelation +to me, for our cows at St. Peter's had been rough scrub cattle, and +had been left to pick up their own living for the most part; whereas +Bella was aldermanic, a monument of placid satiety. + +I very carefully deposited the pail inside the scullery entrance, and +withdrew then to a respectful distance, with Bella. Would this amazing +Mr. Perkins engage me? There was no doubt in my mind that I hoped he +would. I had seen practically nothing of the place, and my impressions +of it must all have been produced by the personality of its owner, I +suppose. But it did seem to me that this establishment possessed an +atmosphere of cheery kindliness and jollity such as I had never before +found about any residence. The contrast between this place and St. +Peter's was extraordinarily striking. I wondered what Sister Agatha +would have made of Mr. Perkins, or he of Sister Agatha. 'Acidulacious' +was the word he would have applied to Sister Agatha, I thought, with a +boy's readiness in mimicry; and I chuckled happily to myself in the +thinking. + + +IX + + +While I stood in the yard cogitating, a woman whose white-spotted blue +dress was for the most part covered by a very white apron emerged from +the scullery door, holding one hand over her eyes to shade them from +the morning sun. + +'Ha!' she said, in a managing tone; 'so you're the new lad, are you?' +I smiled somewhat bashfully, this being a question I was not yet in a +position to answer definitely. 'Well, you're to come into breakfast +anyhow, and be sure and rub your boots on the-- Oh, you haven't any. +Well, rub your feet, then. Come on! I must see to my fire.' + +So I followed her through the scullery (a spacious and airy place) +into the kitchen, having first carefully rubbed the dust off my horny +soles on the door-mat. And then, with a boy's ready adaptability in +the matter of meals, I gave a good account of myself behind a plate of +bacon and eggs, with plentiful bread and butter and tea, though I had +broken my fast in the bush an hour or two earlier by polishing off the +sketchy remains of the previous night's supper, washed down by water +from a bright creek. + +Domestic capability was the quality most apparent in my breakfast +companion. Her age, I should say, was nearer fifty than forty, but she +was exceedingly well-preserved; and she was called, as she explained +when we sat down, Mrs. Gabbitas. That in itself, I reflected, probably +recommended her warmly to Mr. Perkins. (I guessed in advance that he +might refer to the lady as the Gabbitacious one; and he did, more than +once, in my hearing.) + +'Nick Freydon's your name, I'm told. Oh, well, that's all right then.' + +Mrs. Gabbitas always spoke, not alone as one having authority, but, +and above all, as one who managed all affairs, things, and people +within her reach, as indeed she did to a great extent. A most capable +and managing woman was Mrs. Gabbitas. I adopted an air of marked +deference towards her, I remember; in part from motives of policy, and +partly too because her capability really impressed me. Before the +bacon was finished we had become quite friendly. I had learned that my +hostess had a full upper set of artificial teeth--quite a distinction +in those days--and that on a certain occasion, I forget now at what +exact period of her life, she had earned undying fame by being called +upon by name, from the pulpit of her chapel, to rise in her place +among the congregation and sing as a solo the anthem beginning: 'How +beautiful upon the mountains!' I gathered now and later that this +remarkable event formed in a sense the pivot upon which Mrs. +Gabbitas's career turned. Having spent all her life in Australia, she +had not been presented at Court; but, alone, unaccompanied, and from +her place among the chapel congregation, she had, in answer to the +minister's call, made one service historic by singing 'How beautiful +upon the mountains!' It was a pious and pleasant memory, and I admit +the story of it did add to her dignity in my eyes. Her false teeth, +though admittedly a distinction at that period, did not precisely add +to her dignity. They were somehow too mobile, too responsive in front +to the forces of gravitation, for a talkative woman. + +'Has he given you a name yet?' she asked, as we rose from the table, +giving her head a jerk as she spoke in the direction of the little +pantry, in which I gathered there was a revolving hatch communicating +with the dining-room. + +'Well, he called me "Nickperry,"' I said, 'or "Peripatacious Nick."' + +'Ah! Yes, that sounds like one of his,' she said, apparently weighing +the name and myself, not without approval. 'There's nothing nor nobody +he hasn't got some name for. He don't miscall me to me face, for I'd +allow no person to do such. But in speakin' to Missis, I've heard him +refer to me with some such nonsensical words as "Gabbitular" and +"Gabbitaceous," or some such rubbish, although no one wouldn't ever +think such a thing of me--nobody but him, that is. But he means no +harm, y'know. There's no more vice in the man than--than in Bella +there.' + +She pointed with a wooden spoon toward the open window, through which +we could see the red cow, still contentedly chewing over the memories +of her last meal. + +'No, there's no harm in him, or you may be sure I wouldn't be here; +but he's a great character, is Mr. Perkins; a regler case, he is, an' +no mistake. Well, this won't get my kitchen cleaned up--and Sunday +morning, too! You might take out that bucket of ashes for me. You'll +find the heap where they go down in the little yard behind the stable. +There now! That's what comes o' talkin'! If I didden forget to ask a +blessin', an' you an orphan, too, I believe! F'what we've received. +Lor', make us truly thangful cry-say-carmen--Off you go!' + +Her eyes were screwed tightly shut while the words of the gabbled +invocation passed her lips, and opened widely as, with its last +mysterious syllables, she dropped the wooden spoon she had been +holding and turned to her fire. The fire was always 'my' fire to +worthy Mrs. Gabbitas. So was the kitchen, for that matter, the +scullery, the pantry, and all the things that therein were. Indeed, +she frequently spoke of 'my' dining-room table, bedrooms, silver, +front hall, windows, and the like. Even the meals served to Mr. and +Mrs. Perkins were, until eaten, 'my dining-room breakfast,' 'my +dining-room tea,' and so forth. + +On my way back from the ash-heap with Mrs. Gabbitas's bucket, I almost +collided with Mr. Perkins, as he rolled swiftly and silently into view +from round the end of the rustic pergola, between the house yard and +the big cedar. + +'Aha! The Peripatacious one! Tssp! Yes. Mrs. Perkins wants a word with +you, youngfellermelad. Come on this way. She's on the front verandah.' + +I found myself involuntarily seeking to emulate Mr. Perkins's +remarkable method of locomotion. But I might as well have sought to +mimic an albatross or a balloon. It was not only his splendid +rotundity which I lacked. The difference went far beyond that. He had +oiled castors running on patent ball bearings, and I was but the +ordinary pedestrian youth. + +We found Mrs. Perkins reclining on a couch on the front verandah, a +very gaily coloured dust-rug covering the lower part of her figure. +Like many people in Australia she could hardly be classified socially; +or, perhaps, I should say she did not possess in any marked form the +characteristics which in England are associated with this or that +social grade. If there was nothing of the aristocrat about her, it +might be said that she was not in the least typically 'middle-class'; +and I am sure the severest critic would have hesitated to say that +hers were the manners, disposition, or outlook of any 'lower' class. +Yet she had married an itinerant cobbler, or at best a +'pedestrialatory specialist,' and, I am sure, without the smallest +sense of taking a derogatory step. + +Mrs. Perkins was the more a revelation to me perhaps, because, as it +happened, Mrs. Gabbitas had said nothing whatever about her. I learned +presently that she had not stood upon her feet for more than ten +years. I was never told the exact nature of the disease from which she +suffered, but I know she had lost permanently the use of her legs, and +that she was not allowed to sit up in a chair for more than an hour at +a time. She never moved anywhere without her husband. He carried her +from one room to another, and at times to different parts of the +garden; always very skilfully, and without the slightest appearance of +exertion. I think it likely she did not weigh more than six or seven +stone. Whenever I saw her carried, there was always draped about her a +gaily coloured rug or large shawl; and she was for ever smiling, or +actually laughing, or making some quaintly humorous little remark. I +wondered sometimes if she had borrowed her playfulness in speech from +her husband, or if he had borrowed from her. I do not think I ever met +a happier pair. + +'So here you are!' she said, as we drew near. Her tone suggested that +my coming were the arrival of a very welcome and long-looked-for +guest. 'You see, Nick, I am so lazy that I never go to any one; and +people are so kind that every one comes to me, sooner or later.' + +I experienced a desire to do something graceful and chivalrous, and +did nothing, I suspect, but grin awkwardly and shuffle my toes in the +dust. It seemed to me clumsy and rude to stand erect before this +crippled little lady, yet impossible to adopt any other attitude. Mr. +Perkins had subsided, softly as a down cushion, on the edge of the +verandah. But he had no angles, and I had no curves. Mr. Perkins +removed his hat and caressingly polished that glistening orb, his +head, with a large rainbow-hued handkerchief. + +'You see, Insect,' he said, beaming upon his wife, 'this young feller, +Nickperry, an orphantual lad, as I explained, has taken a fancy to +Dursley.' + +'And you've taken a fancy to Nickperry, I suppose--as you call him.' + +The master waved his fat arms to demonstrate his aloofness from +fancies. 'Well, we want a new handy lad,' he said; 'and this +peripatacious young chap comes strolling along just as Bella wants +milking. The Gabbitual one says he's all right.' This is an elaborate +stage aside. + +'And how did Bella behave, Nick?' asked the mistress. + +'She gave down her milk very nicely--madam,' I said, conscious of a +blush over the matter of addressing this little lady. + +'Merely a passing weakness for the servileacious, inherited from +feudalising ancestors,' said Mr. Perkins in an explanatory tone to his +wife. And then to me: 'This is Missis Perkins, Nickperry, not "Madam." +When you want to speak to the Missis, you must always come and find +her, because she don't get about much, do you, Pig-an'-Whistle?' + +One of the points of difference between husband and wife, in their +spoken whimsicalities, was that the man had no sense of shame and the +wife had. Mr. Perkins was no respecter of persons. He would have +addressed his wife as 'Blow-fly,' or 'Sossidge,' or 'Piggins,' or by +any of the ridiculous names of the sort that he affected, in the +presence of the queen or his own handy lad. I have overheard similar +expressions of playful ribaldry upon his wife's lips many a time, but +never when I was obviously and officially in their presence. + +'And what about pay, Nickperry? How do you stand now on the wages +question? What did the Drooper start on, Whizz?' This last question +was addressed to Mrs. Perkins, whose real name, as I learned later--never +once heard upon her husband's lips--was Isabel. + +'Eight shillings,' replied Mrs. Perkins. 'But, of course, wages have +risen a good bit since then.' + +'Yes, yes; the gas of the agitators does sometimes serve to inflate +wages; I'll say that for the beggars. What do you say, Nickperry?' + +'Well, si--Mister Perkins----' + +'He always calls me "Smister." It's a friendly way they have in +England, like the eye-glass and the turned-up trousers.' + +In her smile Mrs. Perkins managed to convey merriment, sympathy for me +as the person chaffed, and humorous disapproval of her husband. I +would gladly have worked for her for nothing, for admiration of her +bright eyes. + +'I was going to say that I'd be willing to work for whatever you +liked, till you saw whether I suited you or not,' I managed to +explain. + +Mrs. Perkins nodded approvingly, and her husband said: 'That's a very +fair offer. You have an engagious way with you, Nickperry; and so +we'll engage you at ten bob and all found for a start. How's that, +Whizkers?' + +The mistress assented pleasantly, and added: 'You'll tell Mrs. +Gabbitas to see to the room, George, won't you, and--and to give +Nickperry what he needs? She will understand. I dare say he'd like a +bath.' + +I blushed red-hot at this, but Mrs. Perkins kindly refrained from +looking my way, and the interview ended. Then, like a dinghy in the +wake of a galleon, I followed my new employer to the rearward parts of +the establishment. + + +X + + +I used to tell Heron, and others who came into my later life, that the +happiest days I ever knew were the 'ten bob a week and all found' days +of my handy-lad time. It was very likely true, I think; though really +it is next door to impossible for any man to tell which period in his +life has been the more happy; and especially is this so in the case of +the type of man who finds more interest in the past than in the +future. The other side of the road always will be the cleaner, the +trees on the far side of the hill will always be the greener, for a +great many of us. Any other time seems preferable before the present +moment, to some folk; and to many, times past are in every sense +superior to anything the future can have to offer. + +At all events I was fortunate in the matter of my first situation, and +I was contented in it, being satisfied that it was an excellent means +to an end which I had decided should be very fine indeed. + +I have never yet been able to make up my mind whether I am like or +unlike to the majority of mankind in this: with me every phase of +life, every occupation, every effort, almost every act and thought +have been regarded, not upon their own merits or in relation to +themselves, but as means to ends. The ends, it always appeared, would +prove eminently desirable; they would give me my reward. The ends, +once they were attained, would certainly bring me peace, happiness, +fame, health, enjoyment, leisure, monetary gain, or whatever it was +they were designed to bring. I am still uncertain whether or not the +bulk of my fellow-men are similarly constituted; but I am tolerably +certain that one misses a great deal in life as the result of having +this kind of a mind. + +To a great extent, for example, one misses whatever may be desirable +in the one moment of time of which we are all sure--the present. One +is not spared the worries and anxieties of the present, because they +seem to have their definite bearing upon the end in view. But the +good, the sound sweetness of the present, when it chances to be there, +so far from cherishing and savouring every fraction of it, we spare it +no more than a hurried smile in passing, as a trifling incident of our +progress toward the grand end which (just then) we have in view. And +how often time proves the end a thing which never actually draws one +breath of life; a mere embryo, a phantom, vaporous product of our own +imagination! So that for one, two, or fifty years, as the case may be, +we have derived no benefit from a number of tangible good things, by +reason of our strenuous pursuit of a shadow. + +Is this a peculiar disease, or am I merely noting a characteristic of +my own which is also a characteristic of the age in which I have +lived? I wonder! It is, at all events, a way of living which involves +a rather tragical waste of the good red stuff of life; and, yes, upon +the whole it is a form of restless waste and extravagance which I +fancy is far from rare among the thinking men and women of my time. +They do not travel; they hurry from one place to another. They do not +enjoy; they pursue enjoyment. They do not rest; they arrange very +elaborately, cleverly, strenuously to catch rest--and miss it. Is it +not possible that some of us do not live, but use up all the time at +our disposal in sweating, toiling, scheming preparation for the +particular sort of life we think would suit us; the kind of life we +are aiming at; the end, in fact, in pursuit of which we expend and +exhaust our whole share of life as a means? + +Though these things strike me now, it is needless to say they formed +no part of my mental outlook in Dursley. + +As is often the case in Australian homes, the colony of out-buildings +upon Mr. Perkins's premises at Dursley was more extensive than the +parent building. Between the main house and the stable, with all its +attendant minor sheds and lean-to, was a long, low-roofed wooden +structure, divided into dairy, wash-house, tool-room, workshop, and, +at the end farthest from the dairy, what is called a 'man's room.' +This latter apartment was now my private sanctuary, entered by nobody +else, unless at my invitation. I grew quite fond of this little room, +which measured eight feet by twelve feet, and had a window looking +down the ridge and across the creek to Dursley in its valley and the +wooded hills beyond. + +I had no lamp in my sanctuary, and no fireplace. But the climate of +New South Wales is kindly, and, when one is used to it and one's eyes +are young, the light of a single candle is surprisingly satisfying. +That, at all events, was the light by which I mastered the intricacies +of Pitman's system of shorthand, besides reading most of the volumes +in Dursley's School of Arts library. The reading I accomplished in +bed; the shorthand studies on the top of a packing-case which hailed +originally from a match factory in east London, and doubtless had +contained the curious little cylindrical cardboard boxes of wax +vestas, stamped with a sort of tartan plaid pattern, that are seen so +far as I know only in Australia, though made in England. + +At first, like others who have trodden the same thorny path, I went +ahead swimmingly with my shorthand, confining myself to the writing of +it on the packing-case. Being at the end of the current bed-book (it +was Charles Reade's _Griffith Gaunt_) I took my latest masterpiece of +shorthand to bed with me one night, only to find that I could barely +read one word in ten. That was a rather perturbed and unhappy night, +and my progress thereafter was a somewhat slower and more laborious +process. + +The habit of rising with the sun was now fairly engrained in me. At +about daybreak then my first duties would take me to the wood-heap, +with axe and saw, and subsequently to the scullery with a heaped +barrow-load of fuel for the day. Arrived there I polished the +household's boots and knives, washed my hands at Mrs. Gabbitas's +immaculate sink--a more scrupulously clean housewife I have yet to +meet--and proceeded to the feeding and milking of Bella. Then I fed +the horse, cleared out the stable, spruced myself up, and so to +breakfast with 'The Gabbitular One.' Three meat meals and two +snacks--'the eleven o'clock' and 'the four o'clock'--were the order of +the day in this establishment. The snacks consisted of tea, which was +also served at every meal, including dinner, and scones and butter; the +meals included always some sort of flesh food and varying adjuncts. +After the lean dietary of St. Peter's this regime seemed almost +startling to me at first, a thing which could hardly be expected to +last. But I adapted myself to it without difficulty or complaint, and +thrived upon it greatly. + +During the day my main work was the cultivation of the garden, and the +care of the front lawn, in which Mr. Perkins took a very special pride +and interest; chiefly, I think, because it was the foreground of his +wife's daily outlook. But the routine work of the garden, which always +was demanding a little more time than one had to spare for it, was +subject, of course, to interruptions. I did the churning twice a week, +and Mrs. Gabbitas the 'working' and 'making up' of the butter. And +there were other matters, including occasional errands to the town--a +message for a storekeeper, or a note for the master at his office. + +Over the entrance to this office of Mr. Perkins's hung a huge board on +which were boldly painted in red letters on a white ground the name of +George Perkins, and the impressive words--'Dursley's Omnigerentual and +Omniferacious Agent.' It really was a remarkable notice-board, and +residents invariably pointed it out to visitors as one of the sights +of the town. Indeed, Dursley was very proud of its Omniferacious +Agent, who for three successive years now had been also its mayor. + +But I gathered from veteran gossips in the town's one street that this +had not always been so. Mr. Perkins had originally arrived in the town +but very slightly more burdened with worldly gear than I was. The +tools of his craft as a cobbler had left room enough in one bundle for +the rest of his property. Dursley did not want a cobbler at that time, +I gathered; so in this respect Mr. Perkins had been less fortunate +than I was; for when I arrived some one had wanted a handy lad. +However, what proved more to the point was the fact that the cobbler +did want Dursley. He stayed long enough to teach the townsfolk to +appreciate him as a cobbler of boots--and of affairs, of threatened +legal proceedings, frayed friendships, and the like. And then, for +some months prior to a general election, the cobbler edited the local +weekly newspaper, and was largely instrumental in returning the +Dursley-born candidate to parliament, in place of an interfering +upstart from Kempsey way. It was not at all a question of politics, +but of Dursley and its interests. + +By this time Mr. Perkins had gone some way towards Omniferacious +Agenthood. He had very successfully negotiated sundry sales and +purchases for townsmen, who shared that disinclination to call in +conventionally recognised professional assistance which I have often +noticed in rural Australia. Then he married the daughter of the +newspaper proprietor, whose brother was one of Dursley's leading +storekeepers. Everybody now liked him, except a few crotchety or petty +souls, who, not understanding him, suspected him of ridiculing or +exposing them in some way, and in any case mistrusted his jollity, his +success, and his popularity. Even in the beginning, before the famous +notice-board was thought of, and while Mr. Perkins's work was yet +'awlicular,' I gathered that several old residents had set their faces +firmly against this invincibly merry fellow, and done all they could +to 'keep him in his place.' + +And now he bought and sold for them: their houses, land, timber, +fruit, produce, live-stock, and property of every sort and kind, +making a larger income than most of them in the doing of it, and +accomplishing all this purely by force of his personality. He +succeeded where others failed, because so few could help liking him; +and if he failed but seldom in anything he undertook, that was +probably due in part to the fact that he never thought and never spoke +of failure, preferring always as topics more cheerful matters. His +wife had become a permanent invalid very shortly after their marriage, +yet no person could possibly have made the mistake of thinking George +Perkins's marriage a failure. I doubt if a happier married pair could +have been found in Australia. + +The meal we called tea (though we drank tea at every other meal) was +partaken of by Mrs. Gabbitas and myself at half-past five, and by Mr. +and Mrs. Perkins at six o'clock. I was given to understand at the +outset that no work was expected of me after tea. Once or twice of a +summer evening I went out into the garden to perform some trifling +task I had overlooked, and upon being seen there by Mr. Perkins was +saluted with some such remark as: + +'Stealing time, Nickperry, stealing time! You an' me'll fall out, my +friend, if you can't manage to keep proper working hours. +Applicatiousness is all very well, but stealing time after tea is +gluttish and greedular, and must be put down with an iron hand, with +an iron hand, Nickperry. Tssp! Howzashorthandgetnon?' + +Before expelling the last interrogative omnibus word, he would clench +one fat fist and knead the air downward with it, to illustrate the +process of putting down greediness with an iron hand. + +I saw comparatively little of him, of course, owing to his +preoccupation with business, his own and that of Dursley and most of +its inhabitants; but we were excellent good friends, and it was rarely +that he missed his Sunday morning walk round the whole place with me, +when my week's work would be passed in more or less humorous review, +and the programme for the next week discussed. After this tour of +inspection I generally went to church, and the afternoon I almost +invariably spent in my room over the packing-case. That is a period +which many people give to letter-writing, and it is queer to recall +the fact that, so far as I can remember, I had written only two +letters in my life up to this period--one to a Sydney bookseller, +whose address I got from Mr. Perkins, and one to Mr. Rawlence, the +Sydney artist, to tell him of my present position, and to say that I +had made a start upon shorthand. His kindly and encouraging reply was, +I think, the first letter I ever received through the post. But I now +began to write letters by the score, addressed to imaginary +correspondents, and based in style upon my studies of correspondence +in various books. These epistles, however, all ended their brief +careers under the kindling wood in Mrs. Gabbitas's kitchen grate. + +'Applicatious and industrial, with bettermentatious ambitions,' Mr. +Perkins had said of me within a few moments of our first meeting, and +at this period I think I justified the sense of his comment. My daily +work was pleasant enough, of course, healthy and not fatiguing. Still, +it was perhaps odd in a youth of my age that I should have had no +desire for recreation or amusement. My study of shorthand did not +interest me in the faintest degree; but I was greatly interested by my +growing mastery of it, because I thought of the mastery of shorthand, +as Mr. Rawlence had described it, as a very valuable means to an end, +to various ends. I thought of it, in short, as the key which should +open Sydney's doors to me; for, happy as my life was in Dursley, I +never regarded it in any other light than as a useful preliminary to +the next stage of my career. And that again, from all I have since +been told, was hardly an attitude proper to my years. + +It certainly was not due to any conscious discontent with my life and +work in Dursley. I must suppose it was the beginning of that restless +temperamental itch which all through life has made me regard +everything I did as no more than the necessary prelude to some more or +less vague thing I meant presently to do, which should be much better +worth doing. A praiseworthy doctrine I have heard it called. It may +be. But I would like to be able to warn all and sundry who cultivate +or inculcate it in this present century, that the margin between it +and the wastefully extravagant body and soul-devouring restlessness +which I sometimes think the key-note of our time--the margin is a +perilously slender one. + + +XI + + +Every day the _Sydney Morning Herald_ was delivered at the Perkins's +establishment, and every evening it reached the kitchen at tea-time. +Mrs. Gabbitas regarded it as a very useful journal for fire-lighting +purposes, but having no other interest in it was quite agreeable to +its being out-of-date by one day when it reached her hands. Thus the +daily newspaper became my perquisite each evening, to be returned +faithfully in the morning with the day's supply of fuel, in order that +it might duly fulfil its higher and more serviceable destiny in Mrs. +Gabbitas's stove. + +For quite a long time I never scanned the news columns of that really +admirable newspaper. I might have thought that their perusal would +have been helpful to me, especially as I cherished vague ideas of one +day earning my living in a newspaper office. But, for the time, my +mind was too much occupied with thoughts of another means to an +end--shorthand. The longest chunks of unbroken letterpress were the +leading articles. For months I never looked beyond them, and never +stopped short of copying out at least one column of them, and often more, +especially in those misguided early days before I awoke to the stern +necessity of reading over every written line of shorthand. + +I am afraid the leader-writers' eloquence and style--real and +ever-present features in this journal's pages--were entirely wasted upon +me. I copied them with slavish lack of thought, intent only on my +shorthand, and most generally upon the physical difficulty of keeping +my eyes open. I invariably fell asleep three or four times before +finishing my allotted task, and only managed to keep awake for the +reading of it by standing erect beside the packing-case and reading +aloud. How it would have astonished those gifted leader-writers if +they could have walked past, overheard me, and recognised in my +halting, drowsy declamation their own well-rounded periods! + +As I read the last word my spirits always rose instantly, and my +craving for sleep left me. With keen anticipatory pleasure I would +fold up the newspaper ready for the morning, take one look out from +the doorway to note the weather, shed my clothes, snuff the candle, +and climb luxuriously into bed with the current book, whatever it +might be. No newspaper for me. This was real reading, and while I read +in bed (travel, biography, and fiction) I lived exclusively in the +life my author depicted. Vanished utterly for me were Dursley and its +worthy folk, and Australia too for that matter. Practically all the +books I read carried me to the Old World, and most often to England, +which for me was rapidly becoming a synonym for romance, charm, +interest, culture, and all the good things of which one dreams. +Everything desirable, and not noticeable or recognised as being in my +daily life, I grew gradually to think of as being part and parcel of +English life. I did not as yet long to go to England. One does not +long to visit the moon. But when some well-wrought piece of +atmosphere, some happy turn of speech, some inspiring glimpse of high +and noble motives or tender devotion, caught and held me, in a book, I +would sigh quietly and say to myself: + +'Ah, yes; in England!' + +Looking back upon it, I am rather pleased with myself for the stubborn +persistence with which I slogged away at the shorthand; because it +never once touched my interest. For me, it was a veritable treadmill. +And, for that reason, I suppose, I was never really good at it. I have +no doubt whatever that it had real value for me as a disciplinary +exercise. + +And then my candle would gutter and expire. I have sometimes, by means +of sitting up in bed, holding the book high, and using great +concentration, devoured a whole chapter between the first sputtering +sound of the candle's death-rattle and the moment of its actual +demise. Indeed, I have more than once finished a chapter, when within +half a page of it, by matchlight. But that, of course, was gross +extravagance. Our candles seemed to me abominably short, and I once +tried to seduce Mrs. Gabbitas into allowing me two at a time; but she, +good soul, wisely said that one was more than I had any right to burn +in an evening, and I was too miserly to buy them for myself. + +Yes, it seems horribly unnatural in a youth, but I am afraid I was +rather miserly at that time. I wanted passionately to do various +things. Precisely what, I had never so far thought out. But I did not +desire the less ardently for that. I suppose the thing I wanted was to +'better myself,' as the servants say. Was I not a servant? Without +ever reasoning the matter out, I felt strongly that the possession of +some money, a certain store, was very necessary to my well-being; that +in some mysterious way it would add immensely to my chances, to my +strength in the world; that it would put me on a footing superior to +that I had at present. I even thought of it, in my innocence, as +Capital. Many of my musings used to begin with: 'If a fellow has +Capital'--and I believed that if he had not this magic talisman his +position was very different and inferior. I thought of the world's +hewers of wood and drawers of water as being the folk who had no +Capital; the others as the people who had somehow acquired possession +of the talisman. And I suppose I wanted to be of the company of the +others. + +Ten shillings a week means twenty-six pounds a year; and I very well +remember that on the first anniversary of my entering Mr. Perkins's +employ, my Government Savings Bank book showed a balance to my credit +of twenty-two pounds three and fourpence. This sum, I decided, might +fairly rank as Capital; it really merited the august name, I felt, +being actually above the sum of twenty pounds. Eighteen pounds was a +respectable nest-egg. Yes, but twenty-three [sic] pounds three and +fourpence--that was Capital; and I now definitely took rank, however +humbly, among the people who possessed the talisman. I realised very +well that I was poor; that this sum of money was not a large one. +Still, it was Capital, and, as such, it gave me a deal of +satisfaction, and more of confidence than I could have had without it. +I am certain of that. What a pity it is that one cannot always, later +in life, obtain the same secure and confident feeling by virtue of +possessing twenty pounds! + +This meant that I had spent less than four pounds in the year. But no; +Mr. Perkins gave me ten shillings, and Mrs. Perkins five shillings, at +Christmas time. Also, I won ten shillings as a prize in a competition +arranged by the _Dursley Chronicle_. It was for the best five hundred +word description of an Australian scene, and I described Livorno Bay +and its derelict; and, as I thought at the time--quite mistakenly, I +am sure--described them rather well. Apart from a book or two I had +bought practically nothing, save boots and socks and a Sunday suit of +clothes. Mrs. Perkins had kindly supplied quite a stock of shirts for +me, by means of operations performed upon old shirts of her husband's. +My Sunday suit of clothes had occupied me greatly for some weeks. I +had never before bought clothing of any kind. After two or three +visits to the store, and many talks at mealtimes with Mrs. Gabbitas, I +finally decided upon blue serge. + +'It do show the dust, but it don't show the wear so much as the rest +of 'em,' was the Gabbitular verdict which finally settled this +momentous business. A tie to match was given in with the suit, a +concession which I owed entirely to Mrs. Gabbitas's determined +enterprise. The tie was of satin, and, taken in conjunction with a +neatly arranged wad of silk handkerchief, extraordinarily variegated +in colour (Mrs. Gabbitas's present), protruding from the breast-pocket +of the new coat, it produced on the first Sunday after its purchase an +effect which I found at once arresting and sedately rich. My +looking-glass was not more than six inches square, but, by propping it up +on a chair, and receding from it gradually, I was able to obtain a very +fair view of my trousers; while, by replacing it on the wall, and +observing my reflection carefully from different angles, I was able to +judge of most parts of the coat and waistcoat. + +After a good deal of thought, I decided that the best effect was +obtained by fastening the top button of the coat, turning back one +lower corner with careful negligence, and keeping it there by holding +one hand in my trouser pocket. In that order, then, I interviewed Mrs. +Gabbitas in the scullery, to receive her congratulations before +proceeding to church. Altogether, it was a day of pleasing excitement; +but, greatly though it intrigued me, the purchase left me as much a +miser as ever, my only other extravagance for a long time being a +cream-coloured parasol--my present to Mrs. Gabbitas; and---I may as +well confess it--I could not have brought myself to buy that, but for +the fact that it was called 'slightly shop-soiled,' and had been +'marked down' from 8s. 11d. to 4s. 10 1/2d. + +Yes, for a youth of sixteen years, I fear it must be admitted that I +was unnaturally parsimonious, and a good deal of what schoolboys used +to call a smug and a swatter. It really was curious, because I do not +recall that I had any ambition to be actually rich. Mr. Smiles and his +_Self Help_ would have left me cold if I had read that classic. I +indulged no Whittingtonian dreams of knighthood, mayoral chains, vast +commercial or financial operations, or anything of that sort. The +things that interested me were largely unreal. I was immensely +appealed to, I remember, by a phase in the career of Charles Reade's +_Griffith Gaunt_, in which that gentleman lived incognito for awhile +in a remote rural inn, and wooed (if he did not actually marry) the +buxom daughter of the house, while his real wife was being accused of +having murdered him. I think that was the way of it. I know the +sojourn in that isolated inn--I pictured its lichen-grown walls; a +place that would be approached quite nearly in the stilly night by +wild woodland creatures--appealed to me as a wholly delightful +episode. + +I never had a dream of commercial triumphs. I did not think of fame. +For what was I striving? And why did I so assiduously save? It is not +easy to answer these questions. I find the thing puzzles me a good +deal. There was my means-to-an-end attitude; but what was the precise +end in view? If one comes to that I have been striving all my life +long, and to what end? I know this, that in the midst of my physical +content as a handy lad in a comfortable home, I had at least thought +definitely of my future up to a certain point. I had told myself that +there were two kinds of people in the world: the hewers of wood and +drawers of water, earning a mere living, as I was earning mine, by the +labour of their hands; and the others. I knew very little of what the +others did, and had no very definite plan or desire to follow, myself, +any of their occupations. But I did know that I wished to live in +their division of the community. I wished to be one of those others. I +should be unworthy of my father if I did not presently take my place +among those others. And, I suppose, the only practical steps in that +direction which I knew of and could take were the saving of my wages +and the study of shorthand. I think that was about the way of it. And +if my diligence with regard to these two matters may be taken as the +measure of my desire to join the ranks of the others, it is safe to +say I must have desired it very much indeed. + + +XII + + +Every one has noticed the odd vividness with which certain apparently +unmemorable episodes stand out among one's recollections, though the +details of far more important occasions have become merged in the huge +and nebulous mist of the things one has forgotten. (Memory is a +longish gallery, but the mass of that which is unremembered, how +enormous this is!) + +I recall a Sunday evening in Dursley. I had been to church, a rare +thing for me, of an evening, to hear a strange, visiting parson; a man +who had done missionary work in east London and in Northern +Queensland. I remember nothing that he said, and nothing occurred that +night to make it memorable for me. And yet ... + +The aftermath of the sunset beyond Dursley valley was very beautiful. +It often was. Venus shone out with mellow brilliance a little to the +right of the church. The air was full of bush scents, and somewhere, +not far from where I stood, dead brushwood was burning and diffusing +abroad the aromatic pungency that fire draws from eucalyptus leaves. + +Gradually, I was overcome by that sense of the infinitely romantic +potentialities of life which I suppose overpowers all young people at +times; and, more especially, rather lonely young people. The main +events of my short life filed past before me in review against the +background of an exquisitely melancholy evening sky, illumined by one +perfect star. Even this dim light was further softened for me +presently by the moisture that gathered in my eyes; tears that pricked +with a pain that was almost intolerably sweet. I recalled how, as a +child, I had longed to see strange and far-off lands; how I had +bragged to servants and childish companions that I would travel. And +then, how I had travelled--the _Ariadne_, my companions, my father, +the derelict, Livorno Bay. And then, the blow that cut off all I had +held by, and made of me an unconsidered scrap, owning nothing, and +owned by nobody. + +I had been very miserable at the Orphanage. Yes, there was distinct +pleasure in recalling and weighing the sum of my unhappiness at St. +Peter's. I had longed to be quit of it; I had willed to be out in the +open world, free to make what I could of my own life. And, behold, I +was free. My will had accomplished this, had brushed aside the +restraining bonds of the whole organisation supervised by Father +O'Malley. I, a friendless, bare-legged orphan had done this, because I +desired to do it. And now I was a recognised and respectable unit in a +free community, earning and paying my way with the best. (I was +pleasantly conscious of my blue serge suit, the satin tie, and the +multi-coloured silk handkerchief.) I was possessed of Capital--more +than twenty pounds; quite a substantial little sum in excess of twenty +pounds, even without the interest shortly to be added thereto. +Finally, that very evening, had I not been addressed as 'Mister +Freydon,' I, the erstwhile bare-footed 'inmate' of St. Peter's? There +was nothing of bathos, nothing in the least ludicrous, to me in this +last reflection. + +'It's nothing, of course,' I told myself, with proud deprecation; 'and +he's only a shop assistant. But there it is. It does show something +after all. And, besides, he is a member of the School of Arts +Committee!' + +The 'he' in this case was, of course, the person who had shown +discernment enough to address me as 'Mister Freydon.' And, deprecate +as I might, the thing had given me a thrill of deep and real +satisfaction. Merely recalling the sound of it added to the exaltation +of my mood, and to my obsession by the wonder, the romance of the +various transitions of my life. + +The hazards of life, the wonder of it all--this it was that filled my +mind. How would Ted be struck by it? I thought. And there and then I +composed in my mind the letter which should accompany my return of the +pound he had given me when I could find an address to which it could +be sent. There should be no flinching here, no blinking the exact +truth. I may have been an insufferable young prig and snob. Very +likely I was. As I recall it that letter, composed while I gazed +across the valley at the evening star, was informed by a sort of easy +condescension and friendly patronage. Grateful, yes, but with a faint +hint, too, that Ted had been rather fortunate, a little honoured +perhaps in having enjoyed the privilege of assisting, however +slightly, in the launch of my career. At one time I had gladly +regarded it as a present. That, it seemed, was a blunder of my remote +infancy. Honest Ted's pound was a loan, of course, and like any other +honourable man I should naturally repay the loan! + +Musing in this wise I turned away from the evening star, and walked +very slowly past the dairy and the wash-house to my own little room. +Now the odd thing was that, though I seemed to have given not one +single thought to the future, though I seemed to have made no plan, +but, on the contrary, to have confined myself exclusively to the +idlest sort of musing upon the past, yet, as I walked into my dark +room, I knew that I had definitely decided to leave Dursley at once, +and take the next step in my career. I actually whispered to myself: + +'It's a good little room. I shall miss this room. I shall often think +of the nights I've spent here.' + +All this, as though my few belongings had been packed, and I had +arranged to depart next morning; though, in fact, I had not given a +single conscious thought to the matter of leaving Dursley until I +turned my back on the evening star. + +Next morning at breakfast I told Mrs. Gabbitas I meant to leave and +make for Sydney; and Mrs. Gabbitas gave me to understand that, with +all their infinite varieties of foolishness, most young fellows shared +one idiosyncrasy in common: they none of them had sense enough to know +when they were well off. I spoke of my shorthand, and said I had not +been working at it for nothing. Mrs. Gabbitas sniffed, and expressed +very plainly the doubts she felt about shorthand ever providing me +with meals of the kind I enjoyed at her kitchen table. + +'I suppose the fact is gardening isn't good enough for you, and you +want to be a gentleman,' the good soul said, with sounding irony. And, +whilst I made some modestly deprecatory sound in reply, my thoughts +said: 'You are precisely right.' + +With news in hand I have no doubt Mrs. Gabbitas took an early +opportunity of a chat with Mrs. Perkins. At all events I had no sooner +got my lawn-mower to work that morning than the mistress called me to +her where she lay on the verandah. + +'Is it true we're going to lose you, Nick?' she said very kindly. And, +as my irritating way still was, I blushed confusedly as I endorsed the +report. + +'Well, of course, we knew we should, sooner or later; and, though +we'll be sorry to lose you, you are right to go; quite right. I am +sure of that, and so is Geo--so is Mr. Perkins. But have you got a +situation to go to, Nick?' + +I told her I had not, and that I did not think I could secure a berth +in Sydney while I was still in Dursley. + +'No, no, perhaps not,' she said musingly. 'You must talk to Mr. +Perkins about it, and I will, too. What made you decide on going now, +Nick?' + +'I--I don't know,' I replied awkwardly. And then the sweet kindliness +of her face emboldened me to add: 'I was just thinking last +night--thinking about my life as I looked at the sky where the sunset had +been, and--somehow, I found I was decided.' Then, as if to justify if +possible the exceeding lameness of my explanation: 'You see, Mrs. +Perkins, I've got the hang of the shorthand pretty well now,' I added. + +She nodded sympathetically. 'Well, I'm sure you'll succeed, Nick, I'm +sure you will; for you're a good lad, and very persevering. The main +thing is being a good lad, Nick; that's the main thing. It's sad for +you, having lost your parents, and--and everything. But when you go +away, Nick, just try to think of me as if I were your mother, will +you? I'll be thinking quite a lot of you, you know. Don't you go and +fancy there's nobody cares about you. We shall all be thinking a lot +about you. And, Nick, if ever you find yourself in any trouble, if you +begin to feel you're going wrong in any way, if you feel like doing +anything you know is wrong, or if you feel downhearted and lonesome--you +just get into a train and come to Dursley, Nick. Come straight +here to me, and tell me everything about it, and--and I think I'll be +able to help you. I'll try, anyhow; and you'll know I should want to. +And if it isn't easy to come tell me just the same; write and tell me +all about it. Promise me that, Nick.' + +I promised her. She held out her white, thin hand and clasped my hard +hand in it; and I went off to my mowing very conscious of my eyes +because they smarted and pricked, but little indebted to them because +they failed to show me anything more definite than a blur of greenery +at my feet, and a blur of sunlight above. + +A fortnight elapsed before I did really leave that place; but for me +most of the emotion of leaving, of parting with my kindly employers +and friends, and with pretty, peaceful Dursley, was epitomised in that +little conversation on the verandah with Mrs. Perkins. I know now that +there are many other sweet and kindly women in the world. At that time +no one among them had ever been so sweet and kind to me. + + +XIII + + +When I stepped out of the train at Redfern Station in Sydney, I +carried all my worldly belongings in a much worn carpet-bag which had +been given me by Mr. Perkins. Its weight did not at all suggest to me +the need of obtaining a porter's services, and hardly would have done +so even if I had been accustomed to engaging assistance of the sort. +Stepping out with my bag into the bustle of the capital city I walked, +as one who knew his way, to where the noisy and malodorous old steam +tram-cars started, and made my way by tram to Circular Quay. (I had +had my directions in Dursley.) Here I boarded a ferry-boat, and at the +cost of one penny was carried across the shining waters of the harbour +to North Shore. Half an hour later I had mounted the hill, found Mill +Street and Bay View Villa, and actually become a boarder and a lodger +there, with a latch-key of my own. + +The landlady having left the bedroom to which she had escorted me, my +carefully sustained nonchalance fell from me; I turned the key in the +door, and sat down on the edge of my bed with a long-drawn sigh. The +celerity, the extraordinary swiftness of the whole business left me +almost breathless. + +'Yesterday,' I told myself, as one recounting a miracle, 'I was +planting out young tomatoes in Mr. Perkins's garden in Dursley. Only a +few minutes ago I was still in the train. And now--now I'm a lodger, +and this is my room, and--I'm a lodger!' + +I did not seem able to get beyond that just then, though later on, +with a recollection of a certain passage in a favourite novel, I tried +the sound, in a whisper, of: + +'Mr. Nicholas Freydon was now comfortably installed in rooms on the +shady side of--North Shore.' At the same time I ran over a few +variants upon such easy phrases as: 'My rooms at North Shore,' 'Snug +quarters,' 'My boarding-house,' 'My landlady,' and the like. + +One must remember that I was less than two years distant from St. +Peter's and from Sister Agatha and her cane. + +There were two beds in my room; one small and the other very small. I +was sitting on the very small one. The other belonged to Mr. William +Smith, whose real name might quite possibly have been something else. +For already, though I had not seen him, I had gathered that my room-mate +was an elderly man with a history, of which this much was +generally admitted: that he had seen much better days, and was a +married man separated from his wife. + +'But a pleasanter, kinder-hearted, nicer-spoken gentleman you couldn't +wish to meet, that I will say,' Mrs. Hastings, the landlady, had told +me. 'Which,' she added, after a pause given to reflection, with eyes +downcast, 'if he was otherwise I should not've thought of letting a +share of his room to anybody with recommendations from me nephew in +Dursley--not likely. No, nor for that matter, of havin' him in my +house at all.' + +My landlady was an aunt of that Mr. Jokram who had earned distinction +(apart from his membership of the School of Arts Committee) by being +the first to address me as 'Mister Freydon.' This good man had taken a +most friendly interest in my outsetting, and had written off at once +to his aunt to know if she could include me among her boarders. Mrs. +Hastings had explained that she was 'Full up as per usual, but if your +gentleman friend would care to share Mr. Smith's bedroom, him being as +quiet and respectable a gentleman as walks, it will be easy to put in +another bed.' + +This was before any mention had been made of terms. These, we +subsequently learned, ranged from a minimum of 17s. 6d. per week, +including light and use of bath. Later, the nephew was able to obtain +special concessions for me, as the result of which I had the +opportunity of securing all the amenities of Mrs. Hastings's refined +home, including a share of Mr. Smith's room, and such plain washing as +did not call for the use of starch--all for the very moderate charge +of 16s. weekly. + +Thus it was that, although a stranger and without friends in Sydney, I +was able to go direct into my new quarters, without any loss of time +or money; an important consideration even for a capitalist whose +fortune at this time amounted to something nearer thirty than twenty +pounds. (Mr. Perkins had given me an extra month's wages. Mrs. Perkins +had supplemented this by half a sovereign, six pairs of socks, three +linen shirts, and half a dozen collars; and Mrs. Gabbitas had given me +a brand new Bible and Prayer-book, with ornate bindings and perfectly +blinding type, and another of the silk handkerchiefs coloured like a +tropical sunset.) + +'I shall not be in to tea this evening, Mrs. Hastings, I said, with +fine carelessness, as I left the house, after unpacking my belongings +and paying a visit to the bathroom, an apartment formed by taking in a +section of the back verandah. (The bath was of the same material as +the verandah roof--galvanised iron.) 'I've got some business in Sydney +that will keep me rather late.' + +The good woman rather pierced my carefully assumed guise of +nonchalance by the smile with which she said: 'Oh, very well, Mr. +Freydon; I hope you'll not be kept too late--by business.' + +'How in the world did she guess?' I thought as I walked down to the +ferry. It may be that the virus of city life had in some queer way +already entered my veins. Here was I, the parsimonious 'handy lad,' +who had been saving ninety per cent. of my wages and never indulging +myself in any way, actually contemplating the purchase of an evening +meal in Sydney, while becoming indebted for an evening meal I should +never eat in North Shore; to say nothing of making deceitful remarks +about being detained by business, when I had deliberately made up my +mind to postpone all business until the next day. Truly, I was making +an ominous start in the new life; or so my twitching conscience told +me, as I sat enjoying the harbour view from the deck of the ferry-boat +which took me to Circular Quay. + +My notion of dissipation and extravagance would have proved amusing to +the bloods of that day, and merely incredible to those of the present +time. There was an unnecessary twopence for the ferry--admitting the +whole business to have been unnecessary. There was sixpence for a +meal, consisting of tea and a portentous allowance of scones with +butter. There was threepence for a packet of cigarettes ('colonial' +tobacco), the first I had ever smoked, and a purchase which had +actually been decided upon some days previously. Finally, there was +fourpence for a glass of colonial wine in a George Street wine-shop; +and this also, like the rest of the outing, had been practically +decided upon before I left Dursley. But with regard to the wine there +had been reservations. The cigarettes were certainly to be tried. The +wine was to be had if circumstances proved favourable, and such a +plunge seemed at the time desirable. It did; and so I may suppose the +outing was successful. + +During my wanderings up and down the city streets, I examined +carefully the vestibules of various places of amusement--rather dingy +most of them were at that date--but had no serious thought of +penetrating further. The shops, the road traffic, and the people +intrigued me greatly, but especially the people, the unending streams +of lounging men, women, and children. Some, no doubt, were on business +bent; but the majority appeared to me to take their walking very +easily, and every one seemed to be chattering. My life since as a +child I left England had all been spent in sparsely populated rural +surroundings, and the noisy bustle of Sydney impressed me very much, +as I imagine the Strand would impress a Dartmoor lad, born and bred, +on his first visit to London. + +It did not oppress me at all. On the contrary, I felt pleasantly +stimulated by it. Life here seemed very clearly and emphatically +articulate; it marched past me in the streets to a stirring strain. +There were no pauses, no silences, no waiting. And then, too, one felt +that things were happening all the time. The atmosphere was full of +stir and bustle. Showy horses and carriages went spanking past one; +cabs were pulled up with a jerk, and busily talking men clambered out +from them, carelessly handing silver to the driver, as though it were +a thing of no consequence, and passing from one's sight within doors, +waving cigars and talking, talking all the time. Obviously, big things +were toward; not one to-day and one to-morrow, but every hour in every +street. Fortunes were being made and lost; great enterprises planned +and launched; great crimes, too, I supposed; and crucial meetings and +partings. + +Yes, this was the very tide of life, one felt; and with what pulsing, +irresistible strength it ebbed and flowed along the city highways! +Among all these thousands of passers-by no one guessed how closely and +with what inquisitive interest I was observing them. I suppose I must +have covered eight or ten miles of pavement before walking +self-consciously into that wine-shop, and sitting down beside a little +metal table. I know now that, with me, nervousness generally takes the +form of marked apparent nonchalance. Doubtless, this is due to +concentrated effort in my youth to produce this effect. I did not know +the name of a single Australian wine; but I remembered some +enthusiastic comment of my father's upon the 'admirable red wine of +the country,' so I ordered a glass of red wine, and, with an amused +stare, the youth in attendance served me. + +Like many of the wines of the country it was fairly potent stuff, and +rather sweet than otherwise, probably an Australian port. I sipped it +with the air of one who generally devoted a good portion of his +evenings to such dalliance, and ate several of the thin biscuits which +lay in a plate on the table. Meanwhile, I observed closely the other +sippers. They were all in couples, and the snatches of their +conversation which I heard struck me as extraordinarily dramatic in +substance; most romantic, I thought, and very different from the +leisurely, languid gossip of those who draw patterns in the dust with +their clasp-knives, and converse chiefly about 'baldy-faced steers,' +'good feed,' 'heavy bits o' road,' and the like, with generous +intervals of say ten or twelve minutes between observations. These +folk in the wine-shop, on the contrary, tripped over one another in +their talk; their hands and shoulders and brows all played a part, as +well as their lips, and their glances were charged with penetrant +meaning. + +As I made my way gradually down to Circular Quay and the ferry, some +one stepped out athwart my path from a shadowy doorway, and I had a +vision of straw-coloured hair, pale skin, scarlet lips, a woman's +figure. + +'Going home, dear? What about coming with me? Come on, de-ear!' + +Somehow I knew all about it. Not from talk, I am sure. Possibly from +reading; possibly by instinct. I felt as though the poor creature had +hit me across the face with a hot iron. I tried to answer her, but +could not. She barred my path, one hand on my arm. It was no use; I +could not get words out. Those waiting seconds were horrible. And then +I turned and fairly ran from her, a rather hoarse laugh pursuing me +among the shadows as I went. + +It was horrible, and affected me for hours. But it did not spoil my +outing. No, I think on the whole it added to the general excitation. I +had a sense of having stepped right out into the deep waters of life, +of being in the current. The drama of life was touching me now; its +sombre and tragical side as well as the rest of it. + +'This really is life,' I told myself as the ferry bore me among +twinkling lights across the harbour. 'This is the big world, and +Dursley hardly was.' + +It stirred me deeply. The harbour itself; the dim, mysterious outlines +of ships, the dancing water, the sense of connection with the world +outside Australia, the very latch-key in my pocket, and the thought +that I would presently be going to bed at my lodgings, in a room +shared by an experienced and rather mysterious man, with a past; all +combined to produce in me a stirring alertness to the adventurous +interest of life. + + +XIV + + +One of the odd things about that first evening of mine in Sydney was +that it introduced me to the tobacco habit, one of the few indulgences +which I have never at any time since relinquished. I smoked several +cigarettes that evening, with steadily increasing satisfaction. And, +on the following day, acting on the advice of my room-mate, Mr. Smith, +I bought a shilling briar pipe and a sixpenny plug of black tobacco as +a week's allowance. From that point my current outgoings were +increased by just sixpence per week, no less, and for a considerable +period, no more. + +For some days, at least, and it may have been for longer, Mr. William +Smith became the mentor to whom I owed the most of such urban +sophistication as I acquired. He was a very kindly and practical +mentor, worldly, but in many respects not a bad adviser for such a lad +so situated. When I recall the stark ugliness of his views and advice +to me regarding a young man's needs and attitude generally where the +opposite sex was concerned, I suppose I must admit that a moralist +would have viewed my tutor with horror. But, particularly at that +period, I am not sure that the average man of the world, in any walk +of life, would have differed very much from Mr. Smith in this +particular matter. One could imagine some quite worthy colonels of +regiments giving not wholly dissimilar counsel to a youngster, I +think. + +Morning and evening Mr. Smith applied some sort of cosmetic to his +fine grey moustache, which kept its ends like needles. He always wore +white or biscuit-coloured waistcoats, and was scrupulously particular +about his linen. He generally had an air of being fresh from his bath. +His thin hair was never disarranged, and his mood seemed to be +cheerfully serene. Summer heats drew plentiful perspiration from him, +but no sign of languor or irritation. On Sunday mornings he stayed in +bed till ten-thirty, with the _Sydney Bulletin_, and on the stroke of +eleven o'clock he invariably entered the church at the corner of Mill +Street. I used to marvel greatly at this, because he never missed his +bath, and his Sunday morning appearance gave the impression that his +toilet had received the most elaborate attention. He carried an ivory +crutch-handled malacca walking-stick, and in church I used to think of +him as closely resembling Colonel Newcome. His voice was a mellow +baritone, he never missed any of the responses; and the odour which +hung about him of soap and water, cosmetic, light yellow kid gloves, +and good tobacco--he smoked a golden plug, very superior to my cheap, +dark stuff--seemed to me at that time richly suggestive of luxury, +sophistication, distinction, and knowledge of affairs. + +Many years have passed since I set eyes on Mr. Smith, and no doubt he +has long since been gathered to his fathers; but I believe I am right +in saying that his was a rather remarkable character. I know now that +he really was a dipsomaniac of a somewhat unusual kind. At ordinary +times he touched no stimulant of any sort. But at intervals of about +three months he disappeared, quite regularly and methodically, and +always with a handbag. To what place he went I do not know. Neither I +think did Mrs. Hastings or his employers. At the end of a week he +would reappear, clothed as when he went away, but looking ill and +shaken. For a few days afterwards he was always exceedingly subdued, +ate little, and talked hardly at all. But by the end of a week he was +himself again, and remained perfectly serene and normal until the time +of his next disappearance. I once happened to see the contents of the +handbag. They consisted of an old, rather ragged Norfolk coat and +trousers and a suit of pyjamas; nothing else. + +Mr. Smith was a sort of time-keeper at the works of Messrs. Poutney, +Riggs, Poutney and Co., the wholesale builders' and masons' material +people. I was informed that he had once been the chief traveller for +this old-established firm, on a salary of seven hundred pounds a year, +with a handsome commission, and all travelling expenses paid. His +salary now was two pounds twelve shillings and sixpence a week; and I +apprehend that his services were retained by the firm rather by virtue +of what he had done in the past than for the sake of what he was doing +at this time. I was told that commercial travelling in New South +Wales, when Mr. Smith had been in his prime, was a dashing profession +which produced many drunkards. But from Mr. Smith himself I never +heard a word about his previous life. + +I recall many small kindnesses received at his hands, and at the +outset the domestic routine of my Sydney life was largely arranged for +me by Mr. Smith. + +'Never wear a collar more than once, or a white shirt more than +twice,' was one of the first instructions I received from him. +Subsequently he modified this a little for me, upon economic grounds, +advising me to take special care of my shirt on Sunday, in order that +it might serve for Monday and Tuesday. 'Then you've two days each for +the other two shirts in each week, you see. But socks and collars you +change every day. In Sydney you must never wear a coloured shirt; +always a stiff, white shirt, in Sydney.' + +On my second evening there Mr. Smith took me to a hatter's shop and +chose a billycock hat for me, in place of the soft felt which I +usually wore. + +'You must have a hard hat in Sydney,' he said, 'except in real hot +weather; and then you could wear a flat straw, if you liked. I prefer +a grey hard hat for summer. But straw will do for a youngster. You +should have a pair of gloves, for Sunday, you know. They're useful, +too, for interviewing principals.' + +One might have fancied that gloves were a kind of passport, or perhaps +a skeleton key guaranteed to open principals' doors. It was Mr. Smith +who first made me feel that there was a connection between morals, +respectability, and cold baths. To miss the morning tub, as Mr. Smith +saw it, was not merely a calamity but also a disgrace; a thing to make +one ashamed; a lapse calculated seriously to affect character. How +oddly that does clash, to be sure, with his views of a young man's +relations with the other sex! And yet, I am not so sure. Shocked as +many people would be by those views, they might admit in them perhaps +a sort of hygienic intention. It was that I fancy, more than anything +else, which did as a fact shock me. As companions, co-equals, +fellow-humans, I believe this curious man absolutely detested women. I +wonder what sort of a wife he had had! ... + +When I come to compare my launch in Sydney with all that I know and +have read of youthful beginnings in Old World centres, I marvel at the +luxurious ease and freedom of Australian conditions. To put it into +figures now--my start in Sydney did not cost me a sovereign. I did not +spend two days without earning more than enough to defray all my +modest outgoings. My search for employment, so far from wearing out +shoe-leather, was confined to a single application, to one brief +interview. This was not at all due to any cleverness on my part, but +in the first place to the good offices of Mr. Perkins of Dursley, and +in the second place to the easygoing character of prevailing +Australian conditions. + +On the morning after my first evening's dissipation in Sydney, I made +my way to the business premises of Messrs. Joseph Canning and Son, the +Sussex Street wholesale produce merchants and commission agents. This +firm had had dealings with Dursley's Omnigerentual and Omniferacious +Agent ever since his first appearance in that part, and it was no +doubt because of this that Mr. Perkins wrote to them on my behalf. +After waiting for a time in a dark little chamber containing specimens +of cream separators and churns, I was taken to the private room of Mr. +Joseph Canning, the senior partner, who, as I was presently to learn, +visited the office chiefly to attend to such out-of-the-way trifles as +my call, to smoke cigars, and to take selected clients out to lunch. +The practical conduct of the business was entirely in the hands of Mr. +John, this gentleman's only son. + +I found Mr. Joseph Canning with his feet crossed on his blotting-pad, +his body tilted far back in his chair, and his first morning cigar +tilted far upward between his teeth, its ash perilously close to one +bushy grey eyebrow. + +'Well, me lad,' he said as I entered, 'how's the Omniferacious one? +Blooming as ever, I hope.' + +I explained that I had left Mr. Perkins in the best of health, and +proceeded to answer, so far as I was able, the string of subsequent +questions put to me regarding the town of Dursley, its principal +residents, business progress, and chief hotel. I gathered that Mr. +Canning had paid one visit to Dursley, under the auspices of its +Omnigerentual Agent, and that while there he had contrived, with Mr. +Perkins's assistance no doubt, 'to make that little town fairly hum.' + +We talked in this strain for some time, and then Mr. Canning rose from +his chair, clearly under the impression that his business with me had +been satisfactorily completed, and prepared to dismiss me cordially, +and proceed to other matters. + +'Ah!' he ejaculated cheerfully, extending his right hand to me, and +moving toward the door. 'Quite pleasant to have a chat about little +Dursley. Well, take care of yourself in the big city, you know--bed by +ten o'clock, and that sort of thing, you know; and--er--never touch +anything in the morning. Safest plan.' + +By this time the door was open, and I, on the threshold, was feeling +considerably bewildered. With a great effort I managed to force out +some such words as: + +'And if you should hear of any sort of situation that I----' + +At that he grabbed my hand again, and pulled me back into the room. + +'Of course, of course! God bless my soul, I'd clean forgotten!' he +exclaimed hurriedly as he strode across to his table and rang a bell. + +'Ask Mr. John to kindly step this way a minute, will ye?' he said to +the lad who answered the bell. 'Forget me name next, I suppose,' he +added to me in a confidential undertone. 'Tut, tut! And I read +Perkins's letter again just before you came in, too! Ah, here you are, +John. Come in a minute, will you?' + +A vigorous-looking fair-haired man of about five-and-thirty came into +the room now, with the air of one who had been interrupted. He wore no +coat, and his spotless shirt-sleeves were held well up on his arms by +things like garters clasped above the elbow. + +'Ah, John,' began his father, 'this is Mr. Perkins's "Nickperry"; you +remember? Nick Freydon.' He referred to a letter on the table. +'Shorthand, you know, and all that. Well, what about it? D'jew +remember?' + +'Yes, yes, to be sure. Well, what about it?' This seemed to be a +favourite phrase between father and son. + +'Well, what was it you said? Thirty-five bob for a start, eh? Oh, +well, you'll see to it, anyway, won't you? That's right. So +long--er--Nickperry!' + +'Good-morning, sir!' + +And with that I found myself following Mr. John along a darkish +passage to a well-lighted apartment, divided by a ground-glass +partition from an office in which I saw perhaps eight or ten clerks at +work. + +'Now, Mr. Freydon,' said my guide, as he flung himself into a +revolving chair, and motioned me to another on the opposite side of +the table. 'We'll make it no more than five minutes, please, for I've +got a stack of letters to answer, and some men to see at eleven +sharp.' + +And then I had a rather happy inspiration. + +'Do you write your own letters, sir?' I asked. + +'Eh? Oh, Lord, yes!' he said brusquely. 'I know some men dictate 'em +to clerks, to be done in copper-plate, an' all that. But, goodness, I +can write 'em myself quicker'n that! And we have to be mighty careful +to say just the right kind of thing in our letters, too. It makes a +difference.' + +'Well, will you just try dictating one or two to me, sir, and let me +take them in shorthand. Then I would bring them to you when you have +seen the gentlemen at eleven.' + +'Eh? Well, that's rather an idea. Let's have a shot. Here you are +then. Pencil? Right? Well: "Dear Mr. Gubbins, yours of 14th, received +with thanks." Got that? Yes; well, tell him--that is--"You are quite +mistaken, I assure you, about your butter having been held back till +the bottom was out of the market." Old fool's always grousing about +his rotten butter. You see, the fact is his butter is second or third +quality stuff, and he reads the quotations in the paper for the +primest, and kicks like a steer because he doesn't get the same, or a +penny more. Always threatening to change his agents, and I wish to God +he would; only, o' course, it doesn't do to tell 'em so. There's a lot +like Gubbins, an' one has to try an' sweeten 'em a bit once a week or +so. Yes! Well, where were we? Eh? That all right?' + +'Yes, sir. "Yours faithfully," or "Yours truly," sir?' + +'Oh, well, I always say: "'shuring you vour bes' 'tention, bleeve me, +yours faithfully, J. Canning and Son." It pleases them, an'----' + +'Yes, sir.' + +And some of the others were a good deal more sketchy, but fortunately +there were only five in all. I asked Mr. John to let me take the +original letters. It was plain that dictation was not his strong +point. Neither, I thought, had he much idea of letter-writing; whereas +I, so I flattered myself, could do it rather well. At least I had read +something about commercial correspondence, and had also read the +published letters of many famous people. So, as soon as I decently +could, I pretended Mr. John had really dictated replies to his five +letters, and that I had recorded his words in indelible shorthand. +Then I said I would run away and write the letters while he kept his +engagements. + +'Right!' he said. 'Tell you what. Go into my father's room. He's gone +out now, and you'll find paper and that there.' + +So I made my first practical essay in commercial correspondence from +the chair of the head of the firm, and among the fumes of the head's +morning cigar. + +In an old pocket-book I discovered a year or two ago the draft of the +first letter I wrote for J. Canning and Son. Here it is: + +'_To_ Mr. R. B. Gubbins, +'Ferndale Farm, +'Unaville, N.S.W. + +'Nov. 3rd, 1879. + +'Dear Mr. Gubbins,--Thank you for your letter of the 2nd inst. We have +looked carefully into the matter of your complaint, and are glad to be +able to assure you that your fears are quite unnecessary. We were, of +course, prepared to take the matter up seriously with those +responsible, but investigation proved that there had been no delay +whatever in disposing of your last consignment of butter. It happened, +however, that an exceptionally large supply of the very primest +qualities were on offer that morning, and though one or two may have +reached higher prices, as the result of exceptional circumstances, the +bulk changed hands at the price obtained for yours, and many +consignments at a lower figure. In several cases the prices given in +the newspapers are either incorrect, or apply only to one or two +special lots. + +'In conclusion, permit us to assure you, dear Mr. Gubbins, that while +your interests are entrusted to our hands they will always receive the +closest possible attention, and that nothing will be left undone which +could be in any way of benefit to you. + +'Trusting this will make the position perfectly clear to you, and that +you will be under no further anxiety with regard to your consignments +to us, now, or at any future time.--We are, dear Mr. Gubbins, yours +faithfully,' + +In the same unexceptional style I wrote to four other clients, after +very careful perusal of their letters, combined with reflections upon +Mr. John's running commentaries. As I wrote what my father had called +'an almost painfully legible and blameless hand,' and gave the closest +care to these particular letters, their appearance was tolerably +business-like when finished. Carrying these letters, and those they +answered, I now began to reconnoitre passages and doorways to +ascertain the whereabouts and occupation of Mr. John. Presently I saw +him come hurrying in from the street, wiping his lips with a +handkerchief. + +'The letters, sir,' I began. + +'Ah! Got 'em done already? Right. Come into my room.' + +I stood and watched him reading my effusions, at first with upward +twitching brows, and then with smiling satisfaction. + +'H'm!' he said, as he gave them the firm's signature. 'It's a pretty +good thing then, this shorthand. Wonderful the way you've got every +little word down. That "In conclusion, permit us to assure you, dear +Mr. Gubbins"--now, that's as a business letter should be, you know. +There's not a house in Sussex Street turns out such good sweeteners as +we do. I've always been very careful about that. That's how we keep up +our connection. These farmers are touchy beggars, you know; but if +only you take the right tone with 'em, you can twist 'em round your +little finger. That's why I always lay it on pretty thick in the +firm's letters. It pays, I can assure you.' + +'Yes, sir.' + +'Well, that's very good, Mr. Freydon; very good. We've never had this +shorthand in the office before; but I think it's time we did, high +time. It's no use my wasting valuable time writing all these letters +myself, and with this shorthand of yours, I believe you can take 'em +down as fast as I can say it--eh?' + +'Oh yes, sir; easily,' I said, with shameless mendacity. As a fact, +neither that morning, nor at any other time, did I 'take down' what +Mr. John said in shorthand. But it was already apparent to me that he +could be made quite happy by fancying that the letters were of his +composition, and I did not conceive that it was part of my duty to +undeceive him. + +'Ah! Well, now, when could you begin work, Mr. Freydon?' + +I smiled, and told him I could go on at once with any further letters +he had. + +'Yes, yes; to be sure. Begun already, as you say. Well, I told the +old--I told my father I thought thirty-five shillings a week would-- Well, +I'll tell you what. You go ahead as you've begun, and at the end +of a month we'll make your pay two pounds a week. How'll that suit?' + +'Thank you, sir; that will suit me very well.' + +'Right. By the way, don't say "sir" to me, please. They all call me +"Mr. John," and my father "Mr. Canning." See! Now, I'll just introduce +you to Mr. Meadows, our accountant, and he will show you round. Mr. +Meadows has charge of our clerical staff, you understand; but you'll +have most to do with me, of course. There's a little bit of a room +opposite mine, where we keep the stationery an' that. I dare say +you'll be able to work there.' + +In this wise, then, with most fortunate ease, I secured my first +employment in the capital city; and very well it suited me, for the +present. Within a week I found that I was left to open all letters, +and to deal with them very much as I thought best, with references of +course to Mr. John, and at times, in a matter of accounts, to Mr. +Meadows, or again to the storekeeper and others. It was not good +shorthand practice, but his correspondence pleased Mr. John very +much--especially its more rotund phrases--whilst for my part I keenly +relished the fact that I, the most junior member of the staff, had +really less of supervision in my work than any one else in the office. + +Upon the whole I was entitled, on that evening of my first day in the +Sussex Street offices, to feel that I had made a tolerably creditable +beginning, and that Sydney had treated the latest suppliant for her +favour rather well. What I very well remember I did feel was that I +should have an interesting story for Mr. William Smith that night when +I reached 'my rooms' at North Shore. + + +XV + + +My third day at J. Canning and Son's offices was a Saturday, and the +establishment closed at one o'clock. My room-mate, Mr. Smith, had +invited me to spend the afternoon with him at Manly, the favourite +sea-beach resort close to Sydney Heads. I had other plans in view, but +did not like to refuse Mr. Smith, and so spent the time with him, not +without enjoyment. + +Manly was not, of course, the thronged and crowded place it is to-day, +but its Saturday afternoon visitors were fairly numerous, and most of +them were people who showed in a variety of ways that they did not +have to consider very closely the expenditure of a sovereign or so. +For our part, Mr. Smith's and mine, I doubt if our outing cost more +than five shillings; and, though I succeeded in paying my own boat-fares, +my companion insisted upon settling himself for the refreshments we had: +a cup of tea in the afternoon, and a sort of high tea or supper before +leaving. I had not begun to tire of watching people, and was innocent +enough to derive keen satisfaction from the thought that I, too, was one +of these city folk, business people, office men, who gave their Saturday +leisure to the quest of ocean breezes and recreation in this well-known +resort. + +Yes, from this distance, it is a little hard to realise perhaps, but +it is a fact that at this particular time I was genuinely proud of +being a clerk in an office, in place of being a handy lad, and one of +the manual workers. It was my lot in later years to dictate +considerable correspondence to young men who practised shorthand and +typewriting--they called themselves secretaries, not correspondence +clerks--and I always felt an interest in their characters and affairs, +and endeavoured to show them every consideration. But I cannot say +that those who served me in this capacity ever played just the sort of +part I played as a correspondence clerk in Sussex Street. But they +always interested me, none the less, and I showed them special +consideration; no doubt because I remembered a period when I took much +secret pride and satisfaction in having obtained entrance to their +ranks, from what in all countries which I have visited is accounted a +lowlier walk of life. And yet, as I see it now, I must confess that I +am inclined to think the handy lad in the open air has rather the best +of it. I admit this is open to question, however. Fortunately there +are compensations in both cases. + +'For a young fellow you do a lot of thinking,' said Mr. Smith to me as +we walked slowly down to the ferry stage in leaving Manly. Of course I +indulged in one of my idiotic blushes. + +'No; oh no,' I told him. 'I was only watching the people.' + +'Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of in thinking,' he justly said. +'If most of the youngsters in Sydney did a deal more of it, it would +be a lot better for them.' + +'Ah, you mean thinking about their work.' I knew instinctively, and +because of remarks he had made, that my elderly room-mate thought well +of me as being a very practical lad, seriously determined to get on in +the world. And so, also instinctively, I played up, as they say, to +this view of my character, and I dare say overdid it at times; +certainly to the extent of making myself appear more practical, or +more concentrated upon material progress, than I really was. + +'Oh, I don't know about that,' said Mr. Smith as we boarded the +steamer. 'Business isn't the only thing in life, and there are plenty +other things worth thinking about.' Yes, odd as it seems, it was I who +was being reminded that there were other things worth thinking of +besides business; I ... 'No, but it would be better for 'em to do a +lot more thinking about all kinds of things. Thinking is better than +running after little chits of girls who ought to be smacked and put to +bed.' + +Two refulgent youths had just passed us, in the wake of damsels whose +favour they apparently sought to win as favour is perhaps won in +poultry-yards--by cackling. + +'I've had to do a powerful lot of talking in my time,' continued Mr. +Smith; 'and now I like to see any one, and especially any young +fellow, understand that it's not necessary to talk for talking's sake, +and that when you've nothing particular to say, it's better to be +quiet and think, than--than just to blither, as so many do.' + +I endeavoured to look as much as possible like a deep thinker as I +acquiesced, and made mental note of the fact that I had evidently been +rather neglecting my companion. + +'Mind you,' he added, 'it isn't only in office hours and at his work +that a man makes for success in business. Not a bit of it. It's when +he's thinking things out away from the office. Why, some of the best +business I ever brought off I've really done in bed--the planning out +of it, you know.' + +I nodded the understanding sympathy of a wily and experienced hand at +business. I wonder if the average youth is equally adaptive! Probably +not, for I suppose it means I was a good deal of a humbug. All I knew +of business, so far, was what Sussex Street had shown me; and if I had +been perfectly candid, I should have admitted that, so far from +striking me as interesting, it seemed to me absurdly, incredibly dull +and uninteresting; so much so as to have a guise of unreality to me. +But my letters interested me none the less. + +The facts of the situation were unreal. I cared nothing about Canning +and Son's profits, or the prices of Mr. Gubbins's butter; nothing +whatever. But I derived considerable satisfaction from turning out a +letter the fluent suavity of which I thought would impress Mr. +Gubbins. Primarily, my satisfaction came from the impression the +letters made upon me personally. Also, I enjoyed the sense of +importance it gave me to open the firm's letters myself, and to tell +myself that, given certain bald facts to be acquired from this man or +the other, I could reply to them far better than Mr. John could. I +liked to make him think my smugly correct phrasing was his own, +because I knew it was much more polished, and I thought it much more +effective than his own; and I liked to figure myself a sort of +anonymous power behind the throne--the Sussex Street throne! + +As we breasted the hill together from the North Shore landing-place, +Mr. Smith delivered himself of these sapient words, designed, I am +sure, to be of real help to me: + +'What they call success in life is a simple business, really; only +nobody thinks so, and so very few find it out. They're always looking +round for special dodges, and wasting time following up special +methods recommended by this fool or the other. There's only one thing +wanted really for success, and that's just keeping on. Just keeping +on; that's all. If you never let go of yourself--never, mind you, but +just keep on, steady and regular, you can't help succeeding. It just +comes to you. But you must keep on. It's no good having a shot at +this, and trying the other. The way is just to keep on.' + +My mentor was in a seriously practical vein on this Saturday night; +partly perhaps because, as the event proved, he was within four days +of one of his periodical disappearances. + + +XVI + + +In the early afternoon of Sunday I set out upon the visit I had +originally intended to pay on the previous day. + +Three o'clock found me rather nervously ringing a bell at the door of +Filson House in Macquarie Street. Under the brightly polished bell-pull +was the name C. F. Rawlence, and the legend: 'Do not ring unless +an answer is required.' It was my first experience of such a notice, +and I felt uncertain how it was intended to apply. Neither for the +moment could I understand why in the world any sane person should ring +a bell unless desirous of eliciting a response of some kind. Finally, +I decided that it must be a plaintive and exceedingly trustful appeal +to the good nature of urchins who might be tempted to ring and run +away. + +A smiling young Chinaman presently opened the door to me, and said: +'You come top-side alonga me, pease; Mr. Lollance he's in.' + +So I walked upstairs behind the silent, felt-shod Asiatic, and +wondered what was coming next. I had hitherto associated Chinamen in +Australia exclusively with market-gardening and laundry work. The +house was not a very high one, but it really was its 'top-side' we +walked to, and, arrived there, I was shown into what I thought must +certainly be the largest and most magnificent apartment in Sydney. + +I dare say the room was thirty feet long by twenty feet wide, without +counting the huge fireplace at one end, which formed a room in itself, +and did actually accommodate several easy chairs, though I cannot +think the weather was ever cold enough in Sydney to admit of people +sitting so close to a log fire as these chairs were placed. There were +suits of armour, skins of beasts, strange weapons, curious tapestries, +and other stock properties of artists' studios, all conventional +enough, and yet to me most startling. I had never before visited a +studio, and did not know that artists affected these things. The +magnificence of it all impressed me enormously. It almost oppressed me +with a sense of my own temerity in venturing to visit any one who +maintained such state. + +'This is what it means to be a famous artist,' I told myself, well +assured now, in my innocence, that Mr. Rawlence must be very famous. +'Every one else probably knew it before,' I thought. And just then the +great man himself appeared, not at the door behind me, but between +heavy curtains which hid some other entrance. He came forward with a +welcoming smile. Then, for a moment this gave place to rather blank +inquiry. And then the smile returned and broadened. + +'Why, it's-- No, it can't be. But it is--my young friend of St. +Peter's. I'm delighted. Welcome to Sydney. Sit down, sit down, and let +me have your news.' + +He reclined in a sidelong way upon a sort of ottoman, and gracefully +waved me to an enormous chair facing him. + +'There are always a few charitable souls who drop in upon me of a +Sunday afternoon, but I'd no idea you would be the first of them to-day.' + +Here was a disturbing announcement for me! + +'Perhaps it would be more convenient if I came one evening, Mr. +Rawlence,' I said awkwardly, half rising from the chair. + +'Tut, tut, my dear lad! Sit down, sit down. Why should other visitors +disturb you? There will only be good fellows like yourself. Ladies are +rarities here on a Sunday. And in any case-- Why, you are quite the man +of the world now.' This with kindly admiration. Then he screwed up his +eyes, moved his head backward and from side to side, as though to +correct his view of a picture. 'Just one point out of the picture. +Dare I alter it? May I?' And, stepping forward, he thrust well down in +my breast coat pocket Mrs. Gabbitas's gorgeous silk handkerchief. +'Yes,' as he moved backward again, 'that's better. One never can see +these things for oneself. But let me make sure of your important news +before we are interrupted.' + +So I told my story as well as I could, and Mr. Rawlence was in the act +of expressing his kindly interest therein, when I heard steps and +voices on the stairs below. + +'If you're not otherwise engaged you must stay till these fellows go, +Nick,' said my host. 'We haven't half finished our talk, you know. +And--er--if you should be talking to any one here of--er--your present +situation, I should leave it quite vague, if I were you; secretarial +work you know--something of that sort. We may have some newspaper men +here who might be useful to you one day--you follow me?' + +'Ah! Hail! Good of you to have come, Landon. Ah, Foster! Jones! Good +men! Do find seats. Oh, let me introduce a new arrival--Mr. Nicholas +Freydon; Mr. Landon, the disgracefully well-known painter, Mr. Foster +and Mr. Jones, both of the Fourth Estate, though frequently taken for +quite respectable members of society. We may not have a Fleet Street +here, you know, Freydon, but we have one or two rather decent +newspapers, as you may have noticed.' + +He turned to the still smiling young Chinaman. 'Let's have cigars and +cigarettes, Ah Lun.' + +I gathered that I had been presented as a new arrival from England. It +was rather startling; but so far I found that an occasional smile was +all that seemed expected of me, and I was of course anxious to do my +best. 'Good thing I've started smoking,' I thought, as Ah Lun began +passing round two massive silver boxes, with cigars and cigarettes. +The visitors were mostly young, rather noticeably young, I thought, in +view of the greying hair over Mr. Rawlence's temples; and I felt less +and less alarmed as I listened to their talk. In fact, shamelessly +disrespectful though the idea was, I found myself, after a while, +wondering whether Mr. Smith might not have called some of the +conversation 'cackle.' And then some technicalities, journalistic and +artistic, began to star the talk, and I meekly rebuked my own +presumption. But I have no doubt whatever that Mr. Smith would have +called most of it 'cackle,' and it is possible he would have been +tolerably near the truth. + +Within an hour I had been introduced to perhaps a score of visitors, +and Ah Lun was just as busy as he could be, serving tea, whisky, wine, +soda-water, cigars, cigarettes, sandwiches, and so forth. It was all +tremendously exciting to me. The mere sound of so many voices, apart +from anything else, I found wonderfully stimulating, if a trifle +bewildering. + +'This,' I told myself, in a highly impressive, though necessarily +inarticulate stage-whisper of thought, 'This is Society; this is +what's called the Social Vortex; and I am right in the bubbling centre +of it.' And then I thought how wonderful it would have been if Mr. +Jokram, of Dursley's School of Arts Committee, and one or two +others--say, Sister Agatha, for example--could have been permitted to +take a peep between the magnificent curtains, and have a glimpse of me, +engaged in brilliant conversation with a celebrity of some kind, whose +neck-tie would have made an ample sash for little Nelly Fane--of me, +the St. Peter's orphan, in Society! + +Truly, I was an innocent and unlicked cub. But I believe I managed to +pull through the afternoon without notably disgracing my distinguished +host and patron; and, too, without referring even to 'secretarial +work.' I might have been heir to a dukedom, a distinguished remittance +man, or even a congenital idiot, for all the company was allowed to +gather from me as to my means of livelihood. + + +XVII + + +Towards six o'clock the company began to thin out somewhat, and within +the hour I found myself once more alone with Mr. Rawlence. + +'Well, and what do you think of these few representatives of Sydney's +Bohemia?' asked my host. 'They are not, perhaps, leading pillars of +our official society, as one may say--the Government House set, you +know--but my Sunday afternoon visitors are apt to be pretty fairly +representative of our best literary and artistic circles, I think. +Interesting fellows, are they not? I was glad to notice you had a few +words with Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_. If you still have +literary or journalistic ambitions, and have not been entirely +captivated by the pundits of commerce and money-making, Foster might +be of material assistance to you.' + +Just then Ah Lun passed before us (still smiling), carrying a tray +full of used glasses. + +'We'll have a bit of dinner here, Ah Lun. I won't go out to-night. I +dare say you have something we can pick over. Let us know when it's +ready.' + +Really, as I look back upon it, I see even more clearly than at the +time that the artist was extraordinarily kind to me; to an obscure and +friendless youth, none too presentable, and little likely just then to +do him credit. I would prefer to set down here only that which I +understood and felt at the time. Perhaps that is not quite possible, +in the light of subsequently acquired knowledge and experience. This +much I can say: there was no hint at this time of any wavering or +diminution in the almost worshipful regard I felt for Mr. Rawlence. + +Seen in his own chosen setting, he was the most magnificent person I +had met. Aestheticism of a pronounced sort was becoming the fashion of +the day in London; and, as I presently found, Mr. Rawlence followed +the fashions of London and Paris closely. Indeed, I gathered that at +one time he had settled down, determined to live and to end his days +in one or other of those Old World capitals. But after a year divided +between them, he had returned to Sydney, and gradually formed his +Macquarie Street home and social connections. No doubt he was a more +important figure there than he would have been in Europe. His private +income made him easily independent of earnings artistic or otherwise. +I apprehend he lived at the rate of about a thousand pounds a year, or +a little more, which meant a good deal in Sydney in those days. I +remember being told at one time that he did not earn fifty pounds in a +year as a painter; but, of course, I could not answer for that. + +I think he derived his greatest satisfactions from the society of +young aspirants in art, literature, and journalism; and I incline to +think it was more to please and interest, to serve and to impress +these neophytes, than from any inclination of his own, that he also +assiduously cultivated the society of a few maturer men who were +definitely placed in the Sydney world as artists, writers, editors, +and so forth. But such conclusions came to me gradually, of course. I +had not thought of them during that delightfully exciting experience--my +first visit to the Macquarie Street studio. + +The simple little dinner was for me a thrilling episode. The deft-handed +Chinaman hovering behind our chairs, the softly shaded table-lights, the +wine in tall, fantastically shaped Bohemian glasses, the +very food--all unfamiliar, and therefore fascinating: olives, smoked +salmon--to which I helped myself largely, believing it to be sliced +tomato--a cold bird of sorts, no slices of bread but little rolls in +place of them, no tea, and no dishes ever seen in Mrs. Gabbitas's +kitchen, or at my North Shore lodging. And then the figure of my host, +lounging at table in the rosy light, a cigarette between the shapely +fingers of his right hand--I had not before seen any one smoke at the +dinner-table--his brown velvet coat, his languidly graceful gestures, +the delicate hue of his flowing neck-tie, the costly sort of +negligence of his whole dress and deportment--all these trifling +matters were alike rare and exquisite in my eyes. + +After their fashion the day, and in particular the evening, were an +education for me. I spent a couple of hours over the short homeward +journey to Mill Street, the better to savour and consider my +impressions. The previous day belonged to my remote past. I had +travelled through ages of experience since then. For example, I quite +definitely was no longer proud of being a clerk in an office. As I +realised this I smiled down as from a great height upon a recollection +of the chorus of a Scots ditty sung by a sailor on board the +_Ariadne_. I have no notion of how to spell the words, but they ran +somewhat in this wise: + + 'Wi' a Hi heu honal, an' a honal heu hi, + Comelachie, Ecclefechan, Ochtermochty an' Mulgye, + Wi' a Hi heu honal, an' a honal heu hi, + It's a braw thing a clairk in an orfiss.' + +Well, it was no such a braw thing to me that night, as it had seemed +on the previous day. I had heard the word 'commercial' spoken with an +intonation which I fancied Mr. Smith would greatly resent. But I did +not resent it. And that was another of the fruits of my immense +experience: Mr. Smith would never again hold first place as my mentor. +How could he? Why, even some of my own innocent notions of the past--of +pre-Macquarie Street days--seemed nearer the real thing than one or +two of poor Mr. Smith's obiter dicta. I had noted the hats of that +elect assemblage, and there had not been a billycock among them. Not a +single example of the headgear which Mr. Smith held necessary for the +self-respecting man in Sydney! But, on the contrary, there had been +quite a number of a kind which approximated more or less to the soft +brown hat purchased by me in Dursley, and discarded upon Mr. Smith's +urgent recommendation in favour of the more rigid and precise +billycock. I reflected upon this significant fact for quite a long +while. + +Certainly, the world was a very wonderful place. Was it possible that +a week ago I had been a handy lad, dressed merely in shirt and +trousers, and engaged in planting out tomatoes? I arrived at the +corner of Mill Street, and turning on my heel walked away from it. I +wanted to try over, out loud, one or two such phrases as these: + +'I've been dining with an artist friend in Macquarie Street!'--'I was +saying this afternoon to the editor of the _Chronicle_'--'I met some +delightful people at my friend Mr. Rawlence's studio this afternoon!' + +But, upon the whole, there was a more subtle joy in the enunciation of +certain other remarks, supposed to come from somebody else: + +'I met Mr. Freydon, Mr. Nicholas Freydon, you know, this afternoon. He +had looked in at Rawlence's studio in Macquarie Street. In fact, I +believe he stayed there to dinner before going on to his rooms at +North Shore. Rawlence certainly does get all the most interesting +people at his place. Landon, the painter, was deep in conversation +with Mr. Freydon. No, I don't know what Mr. Freydon does--some +secretarial appointment, I fancy. He's evidently a great friend of +Rawlence's.' + +It is surprising that I can set these things down with no particular +sense of shame. I distinctly remember striding along the deserted +roads, speaking these absurdities aloud, in an only slightly subdued +conversational voice. My mood was one of remarkable exaltation. I +wonder if other young men have been equally mad! + +'How d'ye do, Foster?' I would murmur airily as I swung round a +corner. 'Have you seen my new book?'; or, 'I noticed you published +that article of mine yesterday!' Presently I found myself in open, +scrub-covered country, and singing, quite loudly, the old sailor's +doggerel about its being a braw thing to be a 'clairk in an orfiss'; +my real thought being that it was a braw thing to be Nicholas Freydon, +a clerk in an office, who was very soon to be something quite +otherwise. + +I am not quite sure if this mood was typical of the happy madness of +youth. There may have been a lamentable kind of snobbery about it; I +dare say. I only know this was my mood; these were my apparently crazy +actions on that remote Sunday night. And, too, before getting into bed +that night--fortunately for himself, perhaps, poor Mr. Smith was +already asleep, and so safe from my loquacity--I carefully folded the +two magnificent rainbow-hued silk handkerchiefs which good Mrs. +Gabbitas had given me, and stowed them away at the very bottom of my +ancient carpet-bag. + +The sort of remarks which I had been addressing to the moon were not +remarks which I ever should have dreamed of addressing to any human +being. I think in justice I might add that. But I had greatly enjoyed +hearing myself say them to the silent night. + + +XVIII + + +Actually, I dare say the process of one's sophistication was gradual +enough. But looking back now upon my Dursley period, and the four +years spent in Sydney--and, indeed, my stay in the Orphanage, and my +life with my father in Livorno Bay--it appears to me that my growth, +education, development, whatever it may be called, came at intervals, +jerkily, in sudden leaps forward. The truth probably is that the +development was constant and steady, but that its symptoms declared +themselves spasmodically. + +It would seem that there ought to have been a phase of smart, clerkly +dandyism; but perhaps Mr. Rawlence's kindly hospitality in Macquarie +Street nipped that in the bud, substituting for it a kind of twopenny +aestheticism, which made me affect floppy neckties and a studied +negligence of dress, combined with some neglect of the barber. In +these things, as in certain other matters, there were some singular +contradictions and inconsistencies in me, and I was distinctly +precocious. The precocity was due, I take it, to the fact that I had +never known family life, and that my companions had always been older +than myself. I fancy that most people I met supposed me to be at least +three or four years older than I was, and were sedulously encouraged +by me in that supposition. I was precocious, too, in another way. I +could have grown a beard and moustache at seventeen. Instead, I +assiduously plied the razor night and morning, and derived +satisfaction from something which irritated me greatly in later +years--the remarkably rapid and sturdy growth of my beard. + +As against these extravagances I must record the fact that my +parsimony in monetary matters survived. Mr. John, in Sussex Street, +presently raised my salary to two pounds ten shillings a week; but I +continued to share Mr. Smith's bedroom, and to pay only sixteen +shillings weekly for my board and lodging. What was more to the point, +I was equally careful in most other matters affecting expenditure, and +never added less than a pound each week to my savings bank account; an +achievement by no means always equalled in after years, even when +earnings were ten times larger. I may have, and did indulge in the +most extravagant conceits of the mind. But these never seriously +affected my pocket. + +There is perhaps something rather distasteful in the idea of so much +economic prudence in one so young. A certain generous carelessness is +proper to youth. Well, I had none of it, at this time, in money +matters. And, distasteful or not, I am glad of it, since, at all +events, it had this advantage: at a very critical period I was +preserved from the grosser and more perilous indulgences of youth. +When the time did arrive at which I ceased to be very careful in money +spending, I had presumably acquired a little more balance, and was a +little safer than in those adolescent Sydney years. + +Here again my qualities were presumably the product of my condition +and circumstances. To be left quite alone in the world while yet a +child, as I had been, does, I apprehend, stimulate a certain worldly +prudence in regard, at all events, to so obvious a matter as the +balance of income and expenditure. I felt that if I were ever stranded +and penniless there would be no one in the whole world to lend me a +helping hand, or to save me from being cut adrift from all that I had +come to hold precious, and flung back into the slough of manual +labour--for that, curiously enough, is how I then regarded it. Not, of +course, that I had found manual work in itself unpleasant in any way; +but that I then considered my escape from it had carried me into a +social and mental atmosphere superior to that which the manual worker +could reach. + +Except when he was absent from Sydney, Mr. Rawlence always received +his friends at the Macquarie Street studio on Sundays, and none was +more regular in attendance than myself. It would be very easy, of +course, to be sarcastic at Mr. Rawlence's expense; to poke fun at the +well-to-do gentleman approaching middle age, who clung to the pretence +of being a working artist, and to avoid criticism, or because more +mature workers would not seek his society, liked to surround himself +with neophytes--a Triton among minnows. And indeed, as I found, there +were those--some old enough to know better, and others young enough to +be more generous--who were not above adopting this attitude even +whilst enjoying their victim's hospitality; aye, and enjoying it +greedily. + +But neither then nor at any subsequent period was I tempted to +ridicule a man uniformly kind and helpful to me; and this, not at all +because I blinded myself to his weaknesses and imperfections, but +because I found, and still find, these easily outweighed by his good +and genuinely kindly qualities. His may not have been a very dignified +way of life; it was too full of affectations for that; particularly +after he began to be greatly influenced by the rather sickly aesthetic +movement then in vogue in London. But it was, at least, a harmless +life; and, upon the whole, a generous and kindly one. + +Its influence upon me, for example, tended, I am sure, to give me a +pronounced distaste for the coarse and vulgar sort of dissipation +which very often engaged the leisure of my office companions, and +other youths of similar occupation in Sydney. It may be that the +causes behind my aloofness from mere vulgar frivolity, and worse, were +pretty mixed: part pride, or even conceit, and part prudence or +parsimony. No matter. The influence was helpful, for the abstention +was real, and the distaste grew always more rooted as time wore on. +Also, the same influence tended to make me more fastidious, more +critical, less crude than I might otherwise have been. It led me to +give more serious attention to pictures, music, and literature of the +less ephemeral sort than I might otherwise have given. It was not that +Mr. Rawlence and his friends advised one to study Shakespeare, or to +attend the better sort of concerts, or to learn something of art and +criticism. But talk that I heard in that studio did make me feel that +it was eminently desirable I should inform myself more fully in these +matters. + +Listening to a discussion there of some quite worthless thing more +than once moved me to the investigation of something of real value. I +was still tolerably credulous, and when a man's casual reference +suggested that he and every one else was naturally intimate with this +or that, I would make it my business, so far as might be, really to +obtain some knowledge of the matter. I assumed, often quite +mistakenly, no doubt, that every one else present had this particular +knowledge. Thus the spirit of emulation helped me as it might never +have done but for Mr. Rawlence and his sumptuous studio, so rich in +everything save examples of his own work. + +* * * * * + +I fancy it must have been fully a year after my arrival in Sydney that +I met Mr. Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_, as I was walking down +from Sussex Street to Circular Quay one evening. + +'Ah, Freydon,' he said; 'what an odd coincidence! I was this moment +thinking of you, and of something you said last Sunday at Rawlence's. +I can't use the article you sent me. It's-- Well, for one thing, it's +rather too much like fiction; like a story, you know. But, tell me, +what do you do for a living?' + +'I'm a correspondence clerk, at present, in a Sussex Street business +house.' + +'H'm! Yes, I rather thought something of the sort--and very good +practical training, too, I should say. But I gather you are keen on +press work, eh?' + +I gave an eager affirmative, and the editor nodded. + +'Ye--es,' he said musingly as we turned aside into Wynyard Square. 'I +should think you'd do rather well at it. But, mind you, I fancy there +are bigger rewards to be won in business.' + +'If there are, I don't want them,' I rejoined, with a warmth that +surprised myself. + +'Ah! Well, there's only one way, you know, in journalism as in other +things. One must begin at the foundations, and work right through to +the roof. I'll tell you what; if you'd care to come on the +_Chronicle_--reporting, you know--I could give you a vacancy now.' + +No doubt I showed the thrill this announcement gave me when I thanked +him for thinking of me. + +'Oh, that's all right. There's no favour in it. I wouldn't offer it if +I didn't think you'd do full justice to it. And, mind you, there's +nothing tempting about it, financially at all events. I couldn't start +you at more than two or three pounds a week.' + +Now here, despite my elation, I spoke with a shrewdness often +recalled, but rarely repeated by me in later life. A curious thing +that, in one so young, and evidence of one of the inconsistencies +about my development which I have noted before in this record. + +'Oh, well,' I said, 'I should not, of course, like to lose money by +the change; but if you could give me three pounds a week I shouldn't +be losing, and I'd be delighted to come.' + +It falls to be noted that I was earning two pounds ten shillings a +week from Messrs. J. Canning and Son at that time. I do not think +there was anything dishonest in what I said to Foster; but it +certainly indicated a kind of business sharpness which has been rather +noticeably lacking in my later life. The editor nodded ready +agreement, and it was in this way that I first entered upon +journalistic employment. + + +XIX + + +The work that I did as the most junior member of the _Chronicle's_ +literary staff no doubt possessed some of the merits which usually +accompany enthusiasm. + +Memory still burdens me with the record of one or two articles thought +upon which makes my skin twitch hotly. It is remarkable that matter so +astoundingly crude should have seen the light of print. But, when one +comes to think of it, the large, careless newspaper-reading public, +the majority, remains permanently youthful so far as judgment of the +written word is concerned; and so it may be that raw youngsters, such +as I was then, can approach the majority more nearly than the tried +and trained specialist, who, just in so far as he has specialised as a +journalist, has removed himself from the familiar purview of the +general, and acquired an outlook which, to this extent, is exotic. + +At all events, I know I achieved some success with articles in the +_Chronicle_ of a sort which no experienced journalist could write, +save with his tongue in his cheek; and tongue-in-the-cheek writing +never really impressed anybody. What seems even more strange to me, in +the light of later life and experience, is the fact that upon several +occasions I proved of some value to the business side of the +_Chronicle_. My efforts actually brought the concern money, and +increased circulation. I find this most surprising, but I know it +happened. There were due solely to my initiative 'interviews' with +sundry leading lights in commerce, and in the professional sporting +world, which were highly profitable to the paper; and this at a time +when the 'interview' was a thing practically unknown in Australian +journalism. + +Stimulated perhaps by the remarks of the good Mr. Smith, my room-mate, +I planned ventures of this kind in bed, descending fully armed with +them upon Mr. Foster by day, in most cases to fire him, more or less, +by my own enthusiasm. Upon the whole I earned my pay pretty well while +working for the _Chronicle_, even having regard to the several small +increases made therein. If I lacked ability and experience, I gave +more than most of my colleagues, perhaps, in concentration and +initiative. + +The two things most salient, I think, which befell in this phase of my +life were my determination to go to England, and my only adolescent +love affair; this, as distinguished from the sentimental episodes of +infancy and childhood, which with me had been a rather prolific crop. + +The determination to make my way to England, the land of my fathers, +did not take definite shape until comedy, with a broad smile, rang +down the curtain upon my love affair. But I fancy it had been a long +while in the making. I am not sure but what the germ of it began to +stir a little in its husk even at St. Peter's Orphanage; I feel sure +it did while I browsed upon English fiction in my little wooden room +beside the tool-shed at Dursley. It was near the surface from the time +I began to visit Mr. Rawlence's studio in Macquarie Street, and busily +developing from that time onward, though it did not become a visible +and admitted growth, with features and a shape of its own, until more +than two years had elapsed. Then, quite suddenly, I recognised it, and +told myself it was for this really that I had been 'saving up.' + +In the Old World the adventurous-minded, enterprising youth turns +naturally from contemplation of the humdrum security of the +multitudinously trodden path in which he finds himself to thoughts of +the large new lands; of those comparatively untried and certainly +uncrowded uplands of the world, which, apart from the other chances +and attractions they offer, possess the advantage of lying oversea, +from the beaten track--over the hills and far away. 'Here,' he may be +supposed to feel, as he gazes about him in his familiar, Old World +environment, 'there is nothing but what has been tried and exploited, +sifted through and through time and again, all adown the centuries. +What chance is there for me among the crowd, where there is nothing +new, nothing untried? Whereas, out there--' Ah, the magic of those +words, 'Out there!' and 'Over there!' for home-bred youth! It is good, +wholesome magic, too, and it will be a bad day for the Old World, a +disastrous day for England, when it ceases to exercise its powers upon +the hearts and imaginations of the youth of our stock. + +Well, and in the New World, in the case of such sprawling young giants +among the nations of the future as Australia, what is the master dream +of adventurous and enterprising youth there? Australia, like Canada, +has its call of the west and the north, with their appealing tale of +untried potentialities. Canada has also, across its merely figurative +and political southern border, a vast and teeming world, reaching down +to the equator, and comprising almost every possible diversity of +human effort and natural resource. Australia, the purely British +island continent, is more isolated. But, broadly speaking, the very +facts which make the enterprising Old World youth fix his gaze upon +the New World cause the same type of youth in Australia, for example, +to look home-along across the seas, toward those storied islands of +the north which, it may be, he has never seen: the land which, in some +cases, even his parents have not seen since their childhood. + +'Here,' he may be imagined saying, as he looks about him among the raw +uprising products of the new land, where the past is nothing and all +hope centres upon the future, 'Here everything is yet to do; +everything is in the making. Here, money's the only reward. Who's to +judge of one's accomplishment here? Fame has no accredited deputy in +this unmade world. Whereas, back there, at home--' Oh, the magic of +those words 'At Home!' and 'In England!' alike for those who once have +seen the white cliffs fade out astern, and for those who have seen +them only in dreams, bow on! + +Everything has been tried and accomplished there. The very thought +that speeds the emigrant pulls at the heart-strings of the immigrant; +drawing home one son from the outposts, while thrusting out another +toward the outposts, there to learn what England means, and to earn +and deserve the glory of his birthright. That, in a nutshell, is the +real history of the British Empire.... + +But, as I said, before final recognition of the determination to go to +England came my youthful love affair. With every apparent deference +toward the traditions of romance, I fell in love with the daughter of +my chief; and my fall was very thorough and complete. I was in the +editorial sanctum one afternoon, discussing some piece of work, and +getting instructions from Mr. Foster--'G.F.' as we called him--when the +door was flung open, as no member of the staff would ever have opened +it, and two very charming young women fluttered in, filling the whole +place by their simple presence there. One was dark and the other fair: +the first, my chief's daughter Mabel; the second, her bosom friend, +Hester Prinsep. + +'Oh, father, we're all going down to see Tommy off. I want to get some +flowers, and I've come out without a penny, so I want some money.' + +My chief had risen, and was drawing forward a chair for Miss Prinsep. +I do not think he intended to pay the same attention to his daughter, +but I did, and received a very charming smile for my pains. Upon which +G.F. presented me in due form to both ladies. Turning then to his +daughter, he said with half-playful severity: + +'You know, Mabel, we are not accustomed to your rough and ready Potts +Point manners here. We knock at doors before we open them, and do at +least inquire if a man is engaged before we swoop down upon him +demanding his money or his life.' + +'Father! as though I should think of you as being engaged! And as for +the money part, I thought this was the very place to come to for +money.' + +'Ah! Well, how did you come?' + +'The cab's waiting outside.' + +'Dear me! You may have noticed, Freydon, that cabmen are a peculiarly +gallant class. They don't show much inclination to drive us about when +we have no money, do they?' + +Then he turned to Miss Prinsep. 'And so your brother really starts for +England to-day, Hester? I almost think I'll have to make time to dash +down and wish him luck.' + +'Oh, do, Mr. Foster! Tommy would appreciate it.' + +'Yes, do, father,' echoed Miss Foster. 'Come with us now. That will be +splendid.' + +'No, I can't manage that. You go and buy your flowers, and I'll try +and get away in time to take you both home. Here's a sovereign; and-- Ah! +you'd better have some silver for your cab. H'm! Here you are.' + +'Thanks awfully, father. You are a generous dear. That will be lots. +The cab's Gurney's, you see, so I can tell him to put it down in the +account. But the silver's sure to come in handy, for I'm dreadfully +poor just now.' + +G.F. shrugged his shoulders, with a comic look in my direction. +'Feminine honesty! Take the silver, and tell the cabman to charge me! +Freydon, perhaps you'd be kind enough to see this brigand and her +friend to their cab, will you? I think we are all clear about that +article, aren't we? Right! On your way ask Stone to come in and see +me, will you?' + +So he bowed us out, and I, in a state of most agreeable fluster, +escorted the ladies to their waiting cab. + +'Good-bye, Mr. Freydon,' said Mabel Foster as she gave me her softly +gloved little hand over the cab door. And, from that moment, I was her +slave; only realising some few minutes later that I had been so +unpardonably rude as never even to have glanced in Miss Prinsep's +direction, to say nothing of bidding her good-bye. + +Miss Foster's was a well recognised and conventional kind of beauty, +very telling to my inexperienced eyes, and richly suggestive of +romance. Her eyes were large, dark, and, as the novelists say, +'melting.' Her face was a perfectly regular oval, having a clear olive +complexion, with warm hints of subdued colour in it. Her lips were +most provocative, and all about the edges of that dark cloud, her +hair, the light played fitfully through a lattice of stray tendrils. A +very pretty picture indeed, Miss Foster was perfectly conscious of her +charms, and a mistress of coquettishness in her use of them. A true +child of pleasure-loving Sydney, she might have posed with very little +preparation as a Juliet or a Desdemona, and to my youthful fancy +carried about with her the charming gaiety and romantic tenderness of +the most delightful among Boccaccio's ladies. (Sydney was just then +beginning to be referred to by writers as the Venice of the Pacific, +and I was greatly taken with the comparison.) + +A week or so later, I was honoured by an invitation to dine at my +chief's house one Saturday night; and from that point onward my visits +became frequent, my subjugation unquestioning and complete. This was +the one brief period of my youth in which I flung away prudence and +became youthfully extravagant, not merely in thought but in the +expenditure of money. I suppose fully half my salary, for some time, +was given to the purchase of sweets and flowers, pretty booklets and +the like, for Mabel Foster; and, of the remainder of my earnings, the +tailor took heavier toll than he had ever done before. + +For example, when that first invitation to dinner reached me--on a +Monday--I had never had my arms through the sleeves of a dress-coat. +Mr. Smith kindly offered the loan of his time-honoured evening suit, +pointing out, I dare say truly, that such garments were being 'cut +very full just now.' But, no; I felt that the occasion demanded an +epoch-marking plunge on my part; and to this end Mr. Smith was good +enough to introduce me to his own tailor, through whom, as I +understood, I could obtain the benefit of some sort of trade reduction +in price, by virtue of Mr. Smith's one time position as a commercial +traveller. + +During the week the eddies caused by my plunge penetrated beyond the +world of tailoring, and doubtless produced their effect upon the white +tie and patent leather shoe trade. But despite my lavish preparations, +Saturday afternoon found me in the blackest kind of despair. Fully +dressed in evening kit, I had been sitting on my bed for an hour, well +knowing that all shops were closed, and facing the lamentable fact +that I had no suitable outer garment with which to cloak my splendour +on the way to Potts Point. It was Mr. Smith who discovered the +omission, and he, too, who had made me feel the full tragedy of it. +The covert coat he pressed upon me would easily have buttoned behind +my back, and Mrs. Hastings's kindly offer of a shawl (a vivid plaid +which she assured me had been worn and purchased by no less an +authority upon gentlemen's wear than her father) had been finally, +almost bitterly, rejected by me. + +It was then, when my fate seemed blackest to me, that Mr. Smith +discovered in the prolific galleries of his well-stored memory the +fact that it was perfectly permissible for a gentleman in my case to +go uncovered by any outer robe, providing--and this was +indispensable--that he carried some preferably light cloak or overcoat +upon his arm. + +'And the weather being close and hot, too, as it certainly is to-night, +I'll wager you'll find you're quite in the mode if you get to +Potts Point with my covert coat on your arm. So that settles it.' + +It did; and I was duly grateful. It certainly was a hot evening, and +in no sense any fault of Mr. Smith's that its warmth brought a heavy +thunderstorm of rain just as I began my walk up the long hill at Potts +Point, so that, taking shelter here and there, as opportunity offered, +but not daring to put on the enormously over-large coat, I finally ran +up to the house in pouring rain, with a coat neatly folded over one +arm. A few years later, no doubt, I should have been glad to slip the +coat on, or fling it over my head. But--it did not happen a few years +later.... + +My worshipful adoration of Miss Foster made me neglectful even of Mr. +Rawlence's Sunday afternoon receptions. To secure the chance of being +rewarded by five minutes alone with her, in the garden or elsewhere, I +suppose I must have given up hundreds of hours from a not very +plentiful allowance of leisure. And it is surprising, in retrospect, +to note how steadfast I was in my devotion; how long it lasted. + +The young woman had ability; there's not a doubt of that. For, ardent +though I was, she allowed no embarrassing questions. I am free to +suppose that my devotion was not unwelcome or tiresome to her, and +that she enjoyed its innumerable small fruits in the shape of +offerings. But she kept me most accurately balanced at the precise +distance she found most agreeable. My letters--the columns and columns +I must have written!--were most fervid; and a good deal more eloquent, +I fancy, than my oral courtship. But yet I have her own testimony for +it that Mabel approved my declamatory style of love-making; the style +used when actually in the presence. + +The end was in this wise: I called, ostensibly to see Mrs. Foster, on +a Saturday afternoon, when I knew, as a matter of fact, that my chief +and his wife were attending a function in Sydney. It was a winter's +day, very blusterous and wet. The servant having told me her mistress +was out, and Miss Mabel in, was about to lead me through the long, +wide hall to the drawing-room, which opened through a conservatory +upon a rear verandah, when some one called her, and I assured her I +could find my own way. So the smiling maid (who doubtless knew my +secret) left me, and I leisurely disposed of coat and umbrella, and +walked through the house. The shadowy drawing-room was empty, but, as +I entered it, these words, spoken in Mabel's voice, reached me from +the conservatory beyond: + +'My dear Hester, how perfectly absurd. A little unknown reporter boy, +picked up by father, probably out of charity! And, besides, you know I +should always be true to Tommy, however long he is away. Why, I often +mention my reporter boy to Tommy in writing. And he is delicious, you +know; he really is. I believe you're jealous. He is a pretty boy, I +know. But you'd hardly credit how sweetly he-- Well, romances, you +know. He really is too killingly sweet when he makes love-- Oh, with +the most knightly respect, my dear! Very likely he will come in this +afternoon, and you shall hear for yourself. You shall sit out here, +and I'll keep him in the drawing-room. Then you'll see how well in +hand he is.' + +It was probably contemptible of me not to have coughed, or blown my +nose, or something, in the first ten seconds. But the whole speech did +not occupy very many seconds in the making, and was half finished +before I realised, with a stunning shock, what it meant. It went on +after the last words I have written here, but at that point I retired, +backward, into the hall to collect myself, as they say. I had various +brilliant ideas in the few seconds given to this process. I saw +myself, pitiless but full of dignity, inflicting scathing punishment +of various kinds, and piling blazing coals of fire upon Mabel's pretty +head. I thought, too, of merely disappearing, and leaving conscience +to make martyrdom of my fair lady's life. But perhaps I doubted the +inquisitorial capacity of her conscience. At all events, in the end, I +rattled the drawing-room door-handle vigorously, and re-entered with a +portentous clearing of the throat. There was a flutter and patter in +the conservatory, and then the hitherto adored one came in to me, an +open book in her hand, and witchery in both her liquid eyes. + +And then a most embarrassing and unexpected thing happened. My wrath +fell from me, carrying with it all my smarting sense of humiliation, +and every vestige of the desire to humiliate or punish Mabel. I was +left horribly unprotected, because conscious only of the totally +unexpected fact that Mabel was still adorable, and that now, when +about to leave her for ever, I wanted her more than at any previous +time. Then help came to me. I heard a tiny footfall, light as a leaf's +touch, on the paved floor of the conservatory. I pictured the +listening Hester Prinsep, and pride, or some useful substitute +therefor, came to my aid. + +'I'm afraid I've interrupted you,' I said, making a huge effort to +avoid seeing the witchery in Mabel's eyes. 'I only came to bring this +book for Mrs. Foster. I had promised it.' + +'But why so solemn, poor knight? What's wrong? Won't you sit down?' +said Mabel gaily. + +'No, I mustn't stay,' I replied, with Spartan firmness. And then, on a +sudden impulse: 'Don't you think we've both been rather mistaken, +Mabel? I've been silly and presumptuous, because, of course, I'm +nobody--just a penniless newspaper reporter. And you--you are very +dear and sweet, and will soon marry some one who can give you a house +like this, in Potts Point. I--I've all my way to make yet, and--and so +I'd like to say good-bye. And--thank you ever so much for always +having been so sweet and so patient. Good-bye!' + +'Why? Aren't you--Won't you--Good-bye then!' + +And so I passed out; and, having quite relinquished any thought of +reprisals, I believe perhaps I did, after all, bring a momentary +twinge of remorse to pretty, giddy Mabel Foster. I never saw her again +but once, and that as a mere acquaintance, and when almost a year had +passed. + + +XX + + +I have no idea what made me fix upon the particular sum of two hundred +pounds as the amount of capital required for my migration oversea to +England; but that was the figure I had in mind. At the time it seemed +that the decision to go home--England is still regularly spoken of as +'home' by tens of thousands of British subjects who never have set +eyes upon its shores, and are not acquainted with any living soul in +the British Isles--came to me after that eventful afternoon at Potts +Point. And as a definite decision, with anything like a date in view, +perhaps it did not come till then. But the tendency in that direction +had been present for a long while. + +It would seem, however, that at every period of my life I have always +been feeding upon some one predominant plan, desire, or objective. For +many months prior to that afternoon at Potts Point, my adoration of +Mabel Foster had overshadowed all else, and made me most unusually +careless of other interests. This preoccupation having come to an +abrupt end was succeeded almost immediately by the fixed determination +to go to England as soon as I could acquire the sum of two hundred +pounds. Into the pursuit then of this sum of money I now plunged with +considerable vehemence. + +As a matter of fact, I suppose the task of putting together a couple +of hundred pounds, in London say, would be a pretty considerable one +for a youngster without family or influence. It was not a hard one for +me, in Sydney. I might probably have possessed the amount at this very +time, but for my single period of extravagance--the time of devotion +to Miss Foster. Putting aside the vagaries of that period, I saved +money automatically. Mere living and journeying to and from the office +cost me less than a pound each week. My pleasures cost less than half +that amount all told; and as one outcome of my year's extravagance, I +was now handsomely provided for in the matter of clothes. + +But I will not pretend that hoarding for the great adventure of going +to England did not involve some small sacrifices. It did. To take one +trifle now. I had formed a habit of dropping into a restaurant, Quong +Tart's by name, for a cup of afternoon tea each day; in the first +place because I had heard Mabel Foster speak of going there for the +same purpose with her friend Hester Prinsep. Abstention from this +dissipation now added a few weekly shillings to the great adventure +fund. To the same end I gave up cigarettes, confining myself to the +one foul old briar pipe. And there were other such minor abstinences, +all designed to increase the weight of the envelope I handed across +the bank counter each week. + +The disadvantages of the habit of making life a consecutive series of +absorbing preoccupations are numerous. The practice narrows the sphere +of one's interests and activities, tends to introspective egoism, and +robs the present of much of its savour. But, now and again, it has its +compensations. Save for a single week-end of rather pensive moping, +the end of my love affair changed the colour of my outlook but very +little indeed. Its place was promptly filled, or very nearly filled, +by the other preoccupation. And, keen though I was about this, I did +not in any sense become an ascetic youth held down by stern resolves. +I think I rather enjoyed the small sacrifices and the steady saving; +and I know I very much enjoyed applying for and obtaining another +small increase of salary, after completing a trumpery series of +sketches of pleasure resorts near Sydney, the publication of which +brought substantial profit to the _Chronicle_. + +One thing that did rather hurt me at this time was a comment made upon +myself, and accidentally overheard by me in the reporters' room at the +office. This was a remark made by an American newspaper man, who, +having been a month or two on the staff, was dismissed for +drunkenness. He spoke in a penetrating nasal tone as I approached the +open door of the room, and what he said to his unknown companion came +as such a buffet in the face to me that I turned and walked away. The +words I heard were: + +'Freydon? Oh yes; clever, in his ten cent way. I allow the chap's +honest, mind, but, sakes alive, he's only what a N'York thief would +call a "sure thing grafter."' + +The phrase was perfectly unfamiliar to me, but intuitively I knew +exactly what it meant, and I suppose it hurt because I felt its +applicability. A 'sure thing grafter' was a criminal who took no +chances, I felt; an adventurer who played for petty stakes only, +because he would face no risks. Even the American pressman knew I was +no criminal. He probably would have despised me less if he thought I +stole. But--there it was. The chance shaft went home. And it hurt. + +I dare say there was considerable pettiness about the way in which I +saved my earnings instead of squandering them with glad youthfulness, +as did most of my colleagues. There was something of the huckster's +instinct, no doubt, in many of the trivial journalistic ideas I +evolved, took to my chief, and pleased my employers by carrying out +successfully. I suppose these were the petty ways by which I managed +somehow to clamber out of the position in which my father's death had +left me. They are set down here because they certainly were a part of +my life. I am not ashamed of them, but I do wonder at them rather as a +part of my life; not at all as something beneath me, but as something +suggesting the possession of a kind of commercial gift for 'getting +on,' of which my after life gave little or no indication. In all my +youth there was undoubtedly a marked absence of the care-free jollity, +the irresponsible joyousness, which is supposed to belong naturally to +youth. This was not due, I think, to the mere fact of my being left +alone in the world as a child. We have all met urchins joyous in the +most abject destitution. I attribute it to two causes: inherited +temperamental tendencies, and the particular circumstances in which I +happened to be left alone in the world. Had I been born in a slum, and +subsequently left an orphan there; or had my father's death occurred +half a dozen years earlier than it did; in either case my +circumstances would, I apprehend, have influenced me far less. + +As things were with me when I found myself in the ranks of the +friendless and penniless, I had formed certain definite tastes and +associations, the influence of which was such as to make me earnestly +anxious to get away from that strata of the community which my +companions at St. Peter's Orphanage, for example, accepted +unquestioningly as their own. Now when a youngster in his early teens +is possessed by an earnest desire of that sort, I suppose it is not +likely to stimulate irresponsible gaiety and carelessness in him. + +But, withal, I enjoyed those Sydney years; yes, I savoured the life of +that period with unfailing zest. But, incidents of the type which dear +old Mrs. Gabbitas called 'Awful warnings,' were for me more real, more +impressive, than they are to youths who live in comfortably luxurious +homes, and know the care of mother and sisters. The normal youth is +naturally not often moved to the vein of--'There, but for the grace of +God, goes ---- etc.' But I was, inevitably. + +For instance, there was the American journalist who so heartily +despised my bourgeois prudence and progress. As I walked through the +Domain one evening, not many months after I had heard myself compared +with a 'sure thing grafter,' I saw a piece of human wreckage curled up +under a tree in the moonlight. It was not a very infrequent sight of +course, even in prosperous Sydney, This particular wreck, as he lay +sleeping there, exposed the fact that he wore neither shirt nor socks. +He was dreadfully filthy, and his stertorous breathing gave a clue to +the cause of his degradation. As I drew level with him, the moon shone +full on his stubble-grown face. He was the American reporter. + +Here was a chance to return good for evil. I might have done several +quite picturesque things, and did think of leaving a coin beside the +poor wretch. Then I pictured its inevitable destination, and +impatiently asked myself why sentimentality should carry money of mine +into public-house tills. So I passed on. Finally, after walking a +hundred yards, I retraced my steps and slid half a crown under the +man's grimy hand, where it lay limply on the grass. + + +XXI + + +The work that gave me most satisfaction at this time was writing of a +kind which I could not induce my chief to favour for his own purposes. +He said it was not sufficiently 'legitimate journalism' for the +_Chronicle_. (The 'eighties were still young.) And only at long +intervals was I able to persuade him to accept one or two examples, +though I insisted it was the best work I had ever attempted for the +paper; as, indeed, it very likely was. + +'But this is practically a story,' or 'This is really fiction,' or +'This is a sketch of a personal character, not a newspaper feature,' +he would say. And then, one day, in handing me back one of my rejected +offspring, he said: 'Look here, Freydon, see if you can condense this +a shade, and then send it to the editor of the _Observer_. I've +written him saying I should tell you this.' + +I followed this kindly advice, and, a month later, enjoyed the +profound satisfaction of reading my little contribution in the famous +Australian weekly journal. The fact would have no interest for any one +else, of course, but I have always remembered this little sketch of a +type of Australian bushman, because it was the first signed +contribution from my pen to appear in any journal of standing; the +first of a series which appeared perhaps once in a month during the +rest of my time in Sydney. + +People I met in Mr. Rawlence's studio occasionally mentioned these +sketches, and I took great pleasure in them. Incidentally, they added +to my hoard at the bank. Mr. Smith, my room-mate at North Shore, had +hitherto regarded my newspaper work strictly from a business +standpoint; judging it solely by the salary it brought. Suddenly now I +found I had touched an unsuspected vein of his character. He was +surprisingly pleased about these signed _Observer_ sketches. This was +authorship, he said; and he spoke to every one, with most kindly +pride, of his young friend's work. + +My account at the savings bank touched the desired two hundred pounds +mark, when I had been just three years and nine months in Sydney. I +decided to add to it until I had completed my fourth year; and, +meantime, made inquiries about the passage to England. From this point +on I made no secret of my intentions, and a very kindly reply came +from Mrs. Perkins in Dursley to the letter in which I told her of my +plan. At a venture I addressed a letter to Ted, my old friend of +_Livorno_ days; but it brought no answer. Neither had the letter of +nearly four years earlier, in which his loan of one pound had been +returned with warm thanks. + +The months slipped by, and the fourth anniversary of my start in +Sydney arrived; and still I postponed from day to day the final step +of resigning my appointment, and booking my passage. I cannot explain +this at all, for I had become more and more eager for the adventure +with every passing month. I do not think timidity restrained me. No, I +fancy a kind of epicurean pleasure in the hourly consciousness that I +was able now to take the step so soon as I chose induced me to prolong +the savouring of it; just as I have sometimes found myself +deliberately refraining for hours, and even for a day or so, from +opening a parcel of books which I have desired and looked forward to +enjoying for some time previously. + +The awakening from this sort of epicurean dalliance was, as the event +proved, somewhat sharp and abrupt. + +I did presently resign my post and engage my second-class berth in the +mail steamer _Orion_. Upon this reservation I paid a deposit of twenty +pounds; and it seemed that when my passage had been fully paid, and +one or two other necessary expenses met, I might still have my two +hundred pounds intact to carry with me to England. + +Thus I felt that I was handsomely provided for; and, upon the whole, I +think the average person who has reached middle life, at all events, +would find it easy to regard with understanding tolerance the fact +that I was rather proud of what I had accomplished. It really was +something, all the attendant circumstances being taken into account. +But, perhaps, it is not always safe to trust too implicitly in the +genial old faith that Providence helps those who help themselves; +though the complementary theory, that Providence does not help those +who do not help themselves, may be pretty generally correct. Maybe I +was too complaisant. (If I have a superstition to-day, it is that a +jealous Nemesis keeps vengeful watch upon human complaisance.) + +On a certain Thursday morning, and in a mood of some elation, I walked +into the bank to close my account. The amount was two hundred and +forty-seven pounds ten shillings. Of this some twenty-five pounds was +destined to complete the payment that morning of my passage money. The +cashier was able to furnish me with Bank of England notes for two +hundred pounds, and the balance, for convenience and ready-money, I +drew in Australian notes and gold. Never before having handled at one +time a greater sum than, say, five-and-twenty pounds, it was with a +sense of being a good deal of a capitalist that I buttoned my coat as +I emerged from the bank, and set out for the shipping-office. The sun +shone warmly. My arrangements were all completed. I was going home. +Yes, it was with something of an air, no doubt, that I took the +pavement, humming as I passed along the bright side of Pitt Street. + +All my life I have had a fondness for byways. Main thoroughfares +between the two great arteries, Pitt and George Street, were at my +service; but I preferred a narrow alley which brings one to the back +premises of Messrs. Hunt and Carton's, the wholesale stationers. +Bearing to the left through that firm's stableyard, one passes through +a little arched opening which debouches upon Tinckton Street, whence +in twenty paces one reaches George Street at a point close to the +office for which I was bound. + +I can see now the sleek-sided lorry horses in Hunt and Carton's yard, and +I recall precisely the odour of the place as I passed through it that +morning; the heavy, flat wads of blue-wrapped paper, and the fluttering +bits of straw; the stamp of a draught horse's foot on cobble-stones. I +saw the black, clean-cut shadow of the arched place. I turned half round +to note the cause of a soft sound behind me. And just then came the dull +roar of a detonation, in the same instant that a huge weight crashed upon +me, and I fell down, down, down into the very bowels of the earth.... + +* * * * * + +'No actual danger, I think. Excuse me, nurse!' + +Those were the first words I heard. The first I spoke, I believe, +were: + +'I suppose the arch collapsed?' + +'Ah! To be sure, yes. There was quite a collapse, wasn't there?' said +some one blandly. 'However, you're all right now. Just open your mouth +a little, please. That's right. Better? Ah! H'm! Yes, there's bound to +be pain in the head; but we'll soon have that a bit easier.' + +After that, it seemed to me that I began to take some kind of warm +drink, and to talk almost at once. As a fact, I believe there was +another somnolent interval of an hour or so before I did actually +reach this stage of taking refreshment and asking questions. It was +then late evening, and I was in bed in the Sydney Hospital. There had +been no earthquake, nor yet even the collapse of an archway. Nothing +at all, in fact, except that I had been smitten over the head with an +iron bar. There had been two blows, I believe; and, if so, the second +must really have been a work of supererogation, for I was conscious +only of the one crash. + +In one illuminating instant I recalled my visit to the bank, my two +hundred and forty-seven pounds ten shillings, my intended visit to the +shipping-office, the approaching end and climax of my work in Sydney +and Dursley--six years of it. + +'Nurse,' I said, with sudden, low urgency, 'will you please see if my +pocket-book is in my coat?' + +'Everything is taken out of patients' pockets and locked up for +safety,' she said. + +'Well, will you please inquire what amount of money was taken from my +pockets, nurse. It's--it's rather important,' I told her. + +The nurse urged the importance of my not thinking of business just +now; but after a few more words she went out, gave some one a message, +and, returning, said my matter would be seen to at once. + +It seemed to me that a very long time passed. My head was full of a +tremendous ache. But my thoughts were active, and full of gloomy +foreboding. Just as I was about to make another appeal to the nurse, +the doctor came bustling down the ward with another man, a plain +clothes policeman, I thought, with recollection of sundry newspaper +reporting experiences. The surmise was correct. The doctor had a look +at my head--his fingers were furnished apparently with red-hot steel +prongs--and held my right wrist between his fingers. The police +officer sat down heavily beside the bed, drew out a shiny-covered +note-book, and began, in an astoundingly deep voice, to ask me +laboriously futile questions. + +'Look here!' I said, after a few minutes, 'this is all very well, but +would you be kind enough to tell me what money was found in my +pockets?' + +'Two sovereigns, one half sovereign, seven shillings in silver, and +tuppence in bronze,' said the sepulchral policeman, as though he +thought 'tuppence' was usually 'in' marble, or _lignum vitae_, or +something of the sort. 'Also one silver watch with leather guard, one +plated cigarette-case, and----' + +'No pocket-book?' I interrupted despondently. The policeman brightened +at that. + +'So there was a pocket-book? I thought so,' the brilliant creature +said. And after that I lost all interest in these bedside proceedings. +I referred the man to the _Chronicle_ office, the bank, and the +shipping-office, and requested as a special favour that Mr. Smith +should be sent for; also, on a journalistic afterthought, a reporter +from the _Chronicle_. The numbers of the bank-notes had been written +down. Oh yes, on the advice of the bank clerk, I had done this +carefully at the bank counter, and preserved the record scrupulously--in +the missing pocket-book. + +The police--marvellous men--ascertained next morning that the notes +had been cashed at the Bank of New South Wales, in George Street, +within half an hour of the time at which I obtained them from the +savings bank. And that was the last I ever heard of them. + +Twenty-four hours later I was called upon to identify an arrested +suspect who had been seen in the vestibule of the bank at the time of +my call. I did identify the poor wretch. He was the American reporter +who had been discharged from the _Chronicle_ staff. But nobody at the +Bank of New South Wales remembered ever having seen the man, and I +said at once that I could not possibly identify my assailant, not even +having known that any one had attacked me until I was told of it in +hospital. + +The police appeared to regard me as a most unsatisfactory kind of +person, as I doubtless was from their point of view. But they had to +release the American, although, when arrested, he had two shining new +sovereigns in his ragged pockets, and was full of assorted alcoholic +liquors. Their theory was that in some way or another the American had +known of my movements and plans, and communicated these to a +professional 'strong arm' thief; that I had been shadowed to and from +the bank, and that I might possibly have escaped attack altogether but +for my addiction to byways. + +Their theory did not greatly interest me. For the time the central +fact was all my mind seemed able to accommodate. My savings were gone, +my passage to England forfeited, my bank account closed, and--so my +hot eyes saw it--my career at an end. + + +XXII + + +From the medical standpoint there were no complications whatever in my +case; it was just as simple as a cut finger. Regarded from this point +of view, a broken head is a small matter indeed, in a youth of +abstemious habits and healthy life. Well, he was a very thoroughly +chastened youth who accepted the cheery physician's congratulations +upon his early discharge from hospital. + +'Nuisance about the money,' admitted the doctor genially, as he +twiddled his massive gold watch-chain. 'But it might have been a deal +worse, you know; a very great deal worse. After all, health's the +thing, the only thing that really matters.' + +The remark strikes me now as reasonable enough. At the time I thought +it pretty vapid twaddle. Four quiet days I spent at my North Shore +lodging, and then (by Mr. Foster's freely and most kindly given +permission) back to the _Chronicle_ office again, just as before, save +for one detail--I no longer had a banking account. But was it really, +'just as before,' in any single sense? No, I think not; I think not. + +Often in the years that have passed since that morning chat with the +cheerful physician in Sydney Hospital, I have heard folk speak lightly +of money losses--other people's losses, as a rule--and talk of the +comparative unimportance of these as against various other kinds of +loss. Never, I think, at all events, since those Sydney days of mine, +could any one justly charge me with overestimating the importance of +money. And yet, even now, and despite the theories of the +philosophers, I incline to the opinion that few more desolating and +heart-breaking disasters can befall men and women than the loss of +their savings. I would not instance such a case as mine. But I have +known cases of both men and women who, in the later years, have lost +the thrifty savings of a working life, savings accumulated very +deliberately--and at what a cost of patient, long-sustained +self-denial!--for a specific purpose: the purchase of their freedom in +the closing years; their manumission from wage-earning toil. And I say +that, in a world constituted as our world is, life knows few tragedies +more starkly fell. + +As for my little loss I now think it likely that in certain ways I +derived benefits from it; and, too, in other ways, permanent hurt. I +was still standing in the doorway of my manhood; all my life and +energy as a man before me. But it did not seem so at the time. At the +time I thought of this handful of money as being the sole outcome and +reward for six years of pretty strenuous working effort. (What a lot I +overlooked!) I was far from telling myself that a lad of one-and-twenty +had his career still to begin. On the contrary, it seemed my +career had had for its culminating point the great adventure of going +to England, to attain which long years of toilsome work had been +necessary. These years had passed, the work was done, the culmination +at hand; and now it was undone, the career was broken, all was lost. +Oh, it was a dourly tragical young man who shared Mr. Smith's bedroom +during the next few months. + +One odd apparent outcome of my catastrophe in a teacup has often +struck me since. No doubt, if the truth were known quite other causes +had been at work; but it is a curious fact that never, at any period +of my life since the morning on which I so gaily closed that savings +bank account, have I ever taken the smallest zest, interest, or +pleasure in the saving of money. This seems to me rather odd and +noteworthy. It is, I believe, strictly true. + +For a few weeks after resuming my working routine I plodded along in a +rather dazed fashion, and without any definite purpose. And then, +during a wakeful hour in bed (while Mr. Smith snored quite gently and +inoffensively on the far side of our little room), I came to a +definite decision. The brutal episode of the crowbar--the weapon which +had felled me was found beside me, by the way; a heavy bar used for +opening packing-cases, which the thief had evidently picked up as he +came after me through Hunt and Carton's yard--should not be allowed to +divert me from my course. Diversion at this stage was what I could not +and would not tolerate. I would go to England just the same, and soon. +I would put by a few pounds, and then work my passage home. I was +perfectly clear about it, and fell asleep now, quite content. + +On the next day I began making inquiries. At first I thought I could +manage it as a journalist, by writing eloquent descriptions of the +passage. A little talk at the shipping-office served to disabuse my +mind of this notion. Then I would go as a deck-hand. I was gently +apprised of the fact that my services as a deck-hand might not greatly +commend themselves to the average ship-master. My decision was not in +the least affected by the little things I learned. + +Finally, I secured a personal introduction to the manager of the +shipping-office in which my twenty pounds deposit was still held, and +induced this gentleman to promise that he would, sooner or later, +secure for me a chance to work my passage home. He would advise me, he +said, when the chance arrived. + +With this I was satisfied, and returned in a comparatively cheerful +mood to my plodding. I have a shrewd suspicion that my chief, Mr. +Foster, used his good offices on my behalf with the shipping company's +manager. + +Three months went slowly by. And then one morning a laconic note +reached me from the shipping-office. + +'Could you do a bit of clerking in a purser's office? If so, please +see me to-day.' + +It appeared that the assistant purser of one of the mail-boats had +died while on the passage between Melbourne and Sydney. The company +preferred to fill such vacancies in England, and so a temporary +clerical assistant for the purser would be shipped. Would I care to +undertake it for a five-pound note and my passage? + +Forty-eight hours later I had said good-bye to Sydney friends, and was +installed at a desk in the purser's office on board the _Orimba_. I +had twenty-two pounds and ten shillings in my trunk, and the promise +of a five-pound note when the steamer should reach London. It was a +kind of outsetting upon my great adventure quite different from that +which I had planned. But it was an outsetting, and a better one than I +had expected, for I had been prepared to work my passage as a deck-hand +or steward. + +And so it fell out that when I did actually leave Australia I was too +busy at my clerking, and at inventing soporific answers to the mostly +irrelevant inquiries of more or less distracted passengers, to catch a +glimpse of the land disappearing below the horizon--the land in which +I had spent the most formative years of my life--or to spare a thought +for any such matter as sea-sickness. + + + + +MANHOOD--ENGLAND: FIRST PERIOD + + +I + + +Of late years the printers have given us reams and reams of first +impressions of such world centres as London and New York. Not to +mention the army of unknown globe-trotters and writers, celebrities of +every sort and kind have recorded their impressions. I always smile +when my eyes fall upon such writings; and, generally, I recall, +momentarily at all events, some aspect of my own arrival in England as +purser's clerk on board the _Orimba_. + +When I read, for example, the celebrity's first impressions of New +York--a confused blend of bouquets, automobiles, newspaper +interviewers, incredibly high buildings, sumptuous luncheons, barbaric +lavishness, bad road surfaces, frenetic hospitality, wild expenditure +of paper money--I think it would be more interesting perhaps, +certainly more instructive, to have the first impressions of the +immigrant, who lands with five pounds, and it may be a wife and a +child or two. Then there is the immigrant from the same end of the +ship who is not allowed to land, who is rejected by the guardians of +this Paradise on earth, because he has an insufficient number of +shillings, or a weakness in his lungs. The bouquets, automobiles, +sumptuous luncheons, and things do not, one may apprehend, figure +largely in the first impressions of these last uncelebrated people, +though their impressions may embrace quite as much of the reality +concerned as do those of the famous; and, it may be, a good deal more. + +Broadly speaking, and as far as outlines go, I was in the position of +one who sees England for the first time. There were, I know, subtle +differences; yet, broadly speaking, that was my position. The native-born +Australian, approaching the land of his fathers for the first +time, comes to it with a mass of cherished lore and associations at +least equal in weight and effect to my childhood's knowledge and +experience of England. He very often comes also to relatives. I came, +not only having no claim upon any single creature in these islands, +but having no faintest knowledge of any one among them. I carried two +letters of introduction: one from Mr. Foster to a London newspaper +editor whom he knew only by correspondence, and the other from Mr. +Rawlence to a painter, who just then (though I knew it not) was in +Algiers. + +The purser paid me my five pounds before I left the ship, wished me +luck, and vowed, as his habit was in saying good-bye to people, that +he was very glad he had met me. And then I got into the train with my +luggage, and set out for Fenchurch Street and the conquest of London. + +The passengers had all disappeared long since. England swallows up +shiploads of them almost every hour without winking. My arrival +differed in various ways from theirs. For instance, I had had no +leisure in which to think about it, to anticipate it, until I was +actually seated in the train, bound for Fenchurch Street. They had +been arriving, in a sense, ever since we left the Mediterranean; after +a passage, by the way, resembling in every particular all other +passages from Australia to England in mail steamers. + +To be precise, I think the first impression received by me was that +the England I had come to was a quite astonishingly dingy land. The +people seemed to me to have a dingy pallor, like the table-linen of +the cheaper sort of lodging-house. They looked, not so much ill as +unwashed, not so much poor as cross, hipped, tired, worried, and +annoyed about something. They wore their hats at an angle then +unfamiliar to me, with a forward rake. They must laugh or, at any +rate, smile sometimes, I thought. This is where _Punch_ comes from. It +is the land of Dickens. It is, in short, Merry England. But, as I +regarded the dingy, set faces from the railway's carriage window, it +seemed inconceivable that their owners ever could have laughed, or +screwed up the skin around their eyes to look out happily under sunny +blue skies upon bright and cheery scenes. + +Since then I have again and again encountered the most indomitable +cheerfulness in Londoners, in circumstances which would drive any +Australian to tears, or blasphemy, or suicide, or to all three. And I +know now that many Londoners wash as frequently as Australians, or +nearly so. But my first impression of the appearance of those I saw +was an impression of sour, cross, unwashed sadness. And, being an +impressionable person, I immediately found an explanatory theory. The +essential difference between these folk and people following similarly +humble avocations in Sydney, I thought, is that these people, even +those of them who, personally, were never acquainted with hunger, live +in the shadow of actual want; even of actual starvation. In Sydney they +do not. That accounts for the don't-care-a-damn light-heartedness seen in +Australian faces, and for the dominance of care in these faces. + +I still had everything to learn, and have since learned some of it. +And I do not think now that my theory was particularly incorrect. The +mere physical fact that the working men in Sydney take a bath every +day as a matter of course, and that in London they do not all take one +every week, trifling as it may seem, is itself accountable for +something. But the ever-present knowledge that starvation is a real +factor in life, not in Asia, but in the house next door but one, if +not in one's own house--that is a great moulder of facial expression. +It plays no part whatever in the life of the country from which I had +come. + +As my train drew to within half a dozen miles of its destination, I +became vaguely conscious of the real inner London as distinguished +from its extraordinary dockland and water approaches. We passed a huge +and grimy dwelling-house, overlooking the railway, a 'model' +dwelling-house; and in passing I caught sight of an incredible legend, +graven in stone on the side of this building, intimating that here were +the homes of more than one thousand families. That rather took my breath +away. + +Then we dived into a tunnel, and emerged a few seconds later, +screeching hoarsely, right in London. It hit me below the belt. I +experienced what they call a 'sinking' feeling in the pit of my +stomach. I thought what a fool I was, how puny and insignificant; and, +again, what a fool I must be, to come blundering along here into the +maw of this vast beast, this London--I and my miserable five-and-twenty +pounds! For one wild moment the panic-born thought of hurrying +back to my purser and begging re-engagement for the outward trip to +Australia scuttled across my mind. And then the train jolted to a +standstill, and, with a faint kind of nausea in my throat, I stepped +out into London. + +I have to admit that it was not at all a glorious or inspiriting +home-coming. It was as different from the home-coming of my dreams (when +a minor capitalist) as anything well could be. But yet this was +indubitably London, my destination; the objective of all my efforts +for a long time past. A uniformed boot-black gave me a sudden thought +of St. Peter's Orphanage--the connection, if any existed, must have +been rather subtle--and that somehow stiffened my spine a little. Here +I was, after all, the utterly friendless Orphanage lad who, a dozen +thousand miles away, had willed that he should go out into the world, +do certain kinds of things, meet certain kinds of people, and journey +all across the world to his native England. Well, without much +assistance, I had accomplished these things, and was actually there, +in London. There was tingling romance in the thought of it, after all. +No drizzling rain could alter that. Having successfully adventured so +far, surely I was not to be daunted by dingy faces, bricks, and +mortar, and houses said to accommodate a thousand families! + +And so, with tolerably authoritative words to a porter about luggage, +I squared my shoulders in response to life's undeniable appeal to the +adventurous. + + +II + + +When I had been a dozen years or more in London, a man I knew bewailed +to me one night the fact that he had to leave Fenchurch Street Station +in the small hours of the next morning, and did not know how on earth +he would manage it. + +'Why not sleep there to-night?' I suggested carelessly. + +'Sleep there!' he repeated with a stare. 'But there are no hotels in +that part of the world.' + +'Oh, bless you, yes!' said I. 'You try the Blue Boar. You will find it +almost as handy as sleeping in the booking-office, without nearly so +strong a smell of kippers and dirt.' + +I do not think my friend ventured upon the Blue Boar; but I did, a +dozen years earlier, and stayed there for two nights. I wonder if any +other new arrival from Australia has done that! Hardly, I think. And +yet there is something to be said for it. It was quite inexpensive, as +London hotels go. (They are all much more expensive than Australian +hotels, though the cost of living in England is appreciably lower than +it is in the Antipodes.) And putting up there obviates the +embarrassing necessity of taking a cab from the station, when you +cannot think of a place to which you can tell the man to drive. + +I cherish the thought that I have become something of a tradition at +the Blue Boar, where I have reason to think I am probably remembered +to-day by a now aged Boots and others--many, many others--as 'The +genelmun as orduder bawth.' + +On rising after my first insomnious night there, I went prowling all +about the house in search of the bathroom. Finally, I was routed back +to my room by a newly-wakened maid (in curl-pins), who told me rather +crossly that I could not have a 'bawth' unless I ordered it +'before'and.' She did not say how long beforehand. But I was in a +hurry to get out of doors, so I did without my bath, and promised +myself I would see to it later in the day. + +That afternoon, footsore, tired, and feeling inexpressibly grimy, I +interviewed the lady again, and begged permission to have a bath. She +was then in a much brighter humour, and in curls in place of pins. She +promised to arrange the matter shortly, and send some accredited +representative to warn me when the psychological moment arrived. Where +could I be found? + +'Oh, I'll go and undress at once,' I said. + +'No, don't do that, sir; I cawn't get a bawth all in a minute,' she +told me. 'Perhaps you'd like to wite in the smokin'-room.' + +Grateful for the absence of the morning's crossness I agreed at once, +and retired to the fly-blown smoking-room, where there was ample +choice of distraction for a writing man between a moth-eaten volume +called _King's Concordance_ and a South-Eastern Railway time-table +cover, very solidly fashioned, with lots of crimson and gold, but no +inside. Here I smoked half a pipe, and would have rested, but that I +felt too dirty. Presently Boots came in, elderly and sad but furtively +bird-like, both in the way he held his head on one side and in the +jerky quickness of his movements: + +'You the genelmun as orduder bawth?' he asked anxiously. I admitted +it, and he gave a long sigh of relief. + +'Oo! All right,' he said, almost gladly. 'I'll letcher know when it's +ready.' + +And he hopped out. I finished my pipe, yawned, opened the Concordance, +and shut it again hastily, by reason of the extraordinarily pungent +mustiness its pages emitted. Then I went prospecting into the passage +between the stairs and the private bar. Here I passed a sort of +ticket-office window, at which a middle-aged Hebrew lady sat, eating +winkles from a plate with the aid of a hairpin. Her face lit up with +sudden interest as she saw me: + +'Oo!' she cried with spirit, 'er you the genelmun has orduder bawth?' +Again I pleaded guilty, and with a broad, reassuring smile, as of one +who should say: 'Bless you, we've had visitors just as mad as you +before this, and never attempted to lasso or otherwise constrain them. +There's no limit to our indulgence toward gentlemen afflicted as you +are,' she nodded her ringleted head, and said: 'Right you are, sir. +I'll send Boots to letcher know when it's ready.' + +Apart from consideration of her occupation, which seemed to me to +demand privacy, I could not stand gazing at this lady, though I was +momentarily inclined to ask if the Lord Mayor and his Aldermen had +been invited to attend my bathing; so I passed on to the only refuge +from the Concordance room--the private bar. There was a really +splendid young lady in attendance here, who smiled upon me so sweetly +that I felt constrained to order something to drink. Also, I was +greatly athirst. But the trouble was it happened I had never tasted +beer, and could think of nothing else suitable that was likely to be +available. While I pondered, one hand on the counter, the still +smiling barmaid opened conversation brightly: + +'Er you the genelmun what's orduder bawth?' she asked engagingly. + +I began to feel that there must be some kind of a special London joke +about this formula. Perhaps it is a phrase in the current comic opera, +I thought. A pity that ignorance should prevent my capping it! At all +events I was saved for the moment from choosing a drink, for three +hilarious city gentlemen entered from the street just then, and +demanded instant attention. As I hung indeterminately, waiting, I +heard a voice in the passage outside, and recognised it as belonging +to that elderly bird, the Boots. + +'No, I ain't awastin' uv me time,' it said. 'I'm alookin' fer +somebody. I serpose you ain't seed the genelmun as orduder bawth +anywhere abart, 'ave yer?' + +Fearful lest further delay should lead to the bricking up of the +bathroom, or to a crier being sent round the town for 'the genelmun,' +etc., I hastened out almost into the arms of the retainer, and +forcibly checked him, as he began on an interrogative note to cheep +out: 'You the genelmun as orduder----' + +Coming from a country where, even in the poorest workman's house, the +bathroom at all events is always in commission, I was greatly struck +by this incident; more especially when, an hour later, I heard the +chambermaid cry out over the banisters: + +'Mibel! The genelmun as orduder bawth sez 'e'll 'ave a chop wiv 'is +tea!' + + +III + + +It was at the beginning of the second day at the Blue Boar that I +counted over my money, and was rather startled to discover that +expenditure in pennies can mount up quite rapidly. + +In those days pennies were comparatively infrequent, almost +negligible, in Australia; the threepenny-bit representing for most +purposes the lowest price asked for anything. (It still is a coin more +generally used in Australia than anywhere else, I think.) Now, during +my first day or so in London I was so struck by the number of things +one could do and get for a penny, that it seemed I was really spending +hardly anything. I covered enormous distances on the tops of +omnibuses, and talked a great deal with their purple-faced drivers, +most of whom wore tall hats, and carried nosegays in their coats. When +beggars and crossing-sweepers asked, I gave, unhesitatingly, in the +Australian fashion, as one gives matches when asked for them. I gave +only pennies; and now was startled to find what a comparatively large +sum can be disbursed in a day or so, in single pennies, upon 'bus +fares, newspapers, charity, and the like. + +The two men to whom my only letters of introduction were addressed +were both out of town: one in Algiers, the other, I gathered, on the +Riviera. I suppose most people in London have never reflected on the +oddity of the position of that person in their midst who does not know +one solitary soul in the entire vast city. And yet, there must always +be hundreds in that position. There was a time when I had serious +thoughts of asking a policeman to recommend to me the cheapest quarter +in which one might obtain a lodging, for I had already conceived a +great admiration for the uniformed wardens of London's streets. + +I studied the newspaper advertisements under the heading 'Apartments.' +But some instinct told me these did not refer to London's cheapest +lodgings, and I felt a most urgent need for economy in the handling of +my small hoard. These few pounds must support me, I thought, until I +could cut out a niche for myself, here where there seemed hardly room +for the feet of the existing inhabitants. Already in quite a vague way +I had become conscious of the shadow of that dread presence whose +existence colours the outlook of millions in England. I wonder if the +consciousness had begun to affect my expression! + +My choice of a locality was made eventually upon ridiculously +inadequate grounds. In a newspaper article dealing with charitable +work, I came upon some such words as these: 'Life is supported upon an +astoundingly small outlay of money among the poor householders, and +even poorer lodgers, in these streets opening out of the Seven Sisters +Road in the district lying between Stoke Newington and South +Tottenham. Here are families whose weekly rental is far less than many +a man spends on his solitary dinner in club or restaurant,' etc. + +'This appears to be the sort of place for me,' I told myself. +Remembering certain green omnibuses that bore the name of Stoke +Newington, I descended from one of them an hour later outside a +hostelry called the Weavers' Arms. (Transatlantic slang has dubbed +these places 'gin-mills'; a telling name, I think.) + +One of my difficulties was that I had no clear idea what amount would +be considered cheap in London, by way of rent for a single room. The +one thing clear in my mind was that I must, if possible, find the +cheapest. I had already gathered from chance talk, on board the +_Orimba_ and elsewhere, that the Australian 'board and lodging' system +was not much used in London, save in strata which would be above my +means. The cheaper way, I gathered, was to pay so much for a room and +'attendance,' which should include the preparation of one's own food. +The cheapest method of all, I had heard, and the method I meant to +adopt, was to rent a furnished room, but without 'attendance,' and to +provide meals for myself in the room or outside. + +By this time the thing most desirable in my eyes was the possession of +a room of my own. I wanted badly to be able to shut myself in with my +luggage; to secure privacy, and be able to think, without the +distracting consciousness of my small capital melting away from me at +an unnecessary and alarmingly rapid pace. Anything equivalent to the +comparative refinement, quietness, cleanliness, and spacious outlook +of my North Shore quarters was evidently quite out of the question; +and would have been, as a matter of fact, even at double their cost in +Sydney. + +Late that afternoon a cab conveyed me with my baggage to No. 27 Mellor +Street, a small thoroughfare leading out of the Seven Sisters Road. +Here I had secured a barely furnished top-floor room, with a tiny +oil-stove in it, for 4s. 6d. per week. I paid a week's rent in advance, +and, having deposited my bags there, I sallied forth into the Seven +Sisters Road, with the room key in my pocket, to make domestic +purchases. Billy cans were not available, but I bought a tin kettle +for my oil-stove, some tea, a very little simple crockery and cutlery, +some wholemeal brown bread (which I had heard was the most nutritious +variety), butter, and cheese. Also some lamp oil, for the simple +furniture of my room included, in addition to its oil-stove, a blue +china lamp with pink and silver flowers upon its sides. Most of these +things I ordered in one shop, and then, carrying one or two other +purchases, hurried back to my room to be ready for the shop-boy who +was to deliver the remainder. + +Over the little meal that I presently prepared, with the aid of the +oil-stove, my spirits, which had fallen steadily during the hunt for a +room, brightened considerably. Pipe in mouth I made some alterations +in the disposition of my furniture, placing the little table nearer to +the window, and shifting the bed to give me a glimpse of sky when I +should be occupying it. The oil-stove made a regrettable stench I +found, and the lamp appeared to suffer from some nervous affection +which made its flame jump spasmodically at intervals. The mattress on +my bed was extraordinarily diversified in contour by little mountain +ranges, kopjes which could not be induced to amalgamate with its +general plan. Also, I was not so much alone in my sanctum as I had +hoped to be. There were other forms of life, whose company I do not +think I ever entirely evaded during my whole period as a lodger of the +poorest grade in London. + +But for the time these trifles did not greatly trouble me. Drunken +brawls which occurred later in the evening, immediately under my +window, were a nuisance. But it was all new; my health of mind and +body was sound and unstrained; and I presently went to bed rather well +pleased with myself, after an hour spent in considering and adding to +sundry notes I had accumulated, for articles and sketches presently to +be written. + +My hope was to be able to win a place in London journalism without +having any sort of an appointment. The very phrase 'free-lance' +appealed to my sense of the romantic. 'All the clever fellows are +free-lances, you know, in the Old Country.' I recalled many such +statements made to me in Sydney. Prudence might have led me to offer +myself for a post of some kind, if the editor to whom my letter of +introduction was addressed had been visible. But he was not in London; +and, in my heart, I was rather glad. It should be as a free agent, an +unknown adventurer in Grub Street, that I would win my journalistic +and literary spurs in the Old World. Other men had succeeded.... + +Musing in this hopeful vein I fell asleep, with never a hint of a +presentiment of what did actually lie before me. I suppose the +chiefest boon that mortals enjoy is just that negative blessing: their +total inability to see even so far into the future as to-morrow +morning. + + +IV + + +The compilation of anything like a detailed record of my first two +years in London would be a task to alarm a Zola. I could not possibly +face it; and, if I did, no good end could be served by such a +harrowing of my own feelings. + +Such a compilation would be a veritable monument of squalid details; +of details infinitely mean and small, and, for the most part, +infinitely, unredeemedly ugly. Heaven knows I have no need to remind +myself by the act of writing of all those dismal details. Mere +poverty, starvation itself, even, may be lightsome things, by +comparison with the fetid misery which surrounded me during the major +part of those two years. + +People say, with a smile or a sigh, as their mood dictates, that one +half the world does not know how the other half lives. So far is that +truism from comprehending the tragic reality of what poverty in London +means, that I have no hesitation in saying this: there is no wider +divergence between the lives of tigers and the lives of men than lies +between the lives of English people, whose homes in some quarters I +could name are separated by no more than the width of a street, a +mews, and, it may be, a walled strip of blackened grass and tree-trunks. + +It is not simply that some well-to-do people are ignorant regarding +details of the lives of the poor. It is that not a single one among +the cultivated and comfortably off people, with whom I came to mix +later on, had any conception at all regarding the nature and character +of the sort of life I saw all round me during my first two years in +London. I consider that London's cab horses were substantially better +off than the section of London's poor among whom I lived in places +like South Tottenham, the purlieus of that long unlovely highway--the +Seven Sisters Road. + +Had I been of a more gregarious and social bent, the experience must +have broken my heart, or unhinged my mind, I think. But, from the very +first day, I began systematically to avoid intercourse with those +about me; and in time this became more and more important to me. So +much so indeed that, as I remember it, quite a large proportion of my +many changes of lodgings were due to some threatened intimacy, some +difficulty over avoiding a fellow lodger. Other moves were due to +plagues of insects, appalling odours, persistent fighting and +screaming in the next room, wife-beating; in one case a murder; in +another the fact that a sodden wretch smashed my door in, under the +impression that I had hidden his wife, by whose exertions he had +lived, and soaked, for years. I must have removed more than a score of +times in those two years, and more than once it was to seek a cheaper +lodging--cheaper than the previous hell! + +No, it would never do for me to attempt a detailed record of this +period. Even consideration of it in outline causes the language of +melodrama to spring to the pen. Melodrama! What drama ever conceived +in the mind of man could plumb the reeking depths of the life of the +vicious among London's poor? Things may be a little better nowadays. +Beyond all question, the way of the aspirant in Grub Street appears +vastly smoother than in my time. It is all cut and dried now, they +say--schools of journalism, literary agents, organisations of one sort +and another. But with regard to the life of the very poor, of the +submerged, I have seen signs in the twentieth century which to my +experienced eye suggested that no fundamental change had taken place +since I lived among these cruelly debased people. + +One would never dare to say it in print, of course, but I know very +well that, while I lived among them, I was perfectly convinced that, +for very many--not for all, of course, but for very many--there could +be no fundamental improvement this side of the grave. For them the +only really suitable and humane institution, I told myself a hundred +times, would be a place of compulsory euthanasia--comfortably equipped +lethal cubicles. For some there would be little need of the compulsory +element. Police court officials (especially the court missionaries, +the only philanthropic workers who earned my admiration; and they, of +course, belonged to a properly organised corps, working on salary) +know something of these people; but the big, bright, busy world of +cleanly, educated folk know less of them than they know of prehistoric +fauna. + +I have lived under the same roof with men who beat their wives every +week of their lives, and figured in police courts every month of their +lives, when not in prison; with women who, in their lives, had +swallowed up a dozen small homes, through the pawn-shops and in the +form of gin; with men and women who, so degraded were they, were like +as not to kick an infant as they passed if they saw one on the ground; +with human beings who had fallen so very low that on my honour I had +far liefer share a room with a hog than with one of them. Yes, the +close companionship of swine would have been much less distasteful; +and, be it noted, less unwholesome. I have written articles about +Australian wattle blossom, about the bush and the sea--oh, about a +thousand things!--with nothing more than a few inches of filthy lath +and plaster between my aching head and such human wrecks as these. + +'Quite brutal!' one has heard some ignorant innocent exclaim, when +accident gave him a fleeting glimpse of a denizen of the under world. +Brutal! I know something of brutes, and something of London's under +world, and I am well assured no brute known to zoology ever reaches +the loathsome depths touched by humanity's lowest dregs. It would +sicken me to recall instances in proof of this; but I have known +scores of them. The beast brutes have no alcohol. That makes a world +of difference. They are actuated mainly by such cleanly motives as +healthy hunger. They have no nameless vices; and they live in +surroundings which make dirt, as dirt exists among humanity's under +world, impossible. In changing my lodging I have fled from neighbours +who, at times, sheltered acquaintances of whom it might literally be +said that you could not walk upon pavement they had trodden without +risk of physical contamination. + +Drink! A man occupied a room next to mine, at one time, of which his +mother was the tenant. Somewhere, I was told, he had at least one +wife, upon whom he sponged, and children. (His kind invariably beget +children, many children.) This man was in middle life, and his mother, +a frail creature, was old. She had some small store of money; enough, +I was told, for the few more months she was likely to live, and to +save her from a pauper funeral. She had some lingering internal +complaint. When the man had finished drinking his mother's little +hoard away, he drove her out of doors--not merely with shameful words, +but with blows--to get work, and earn liquor for him. Incredible as it +seems she did get work, and he did take her earnings, and drink them, +for a number of weeks. Then came the morning when she could not leave +her bed. That week the rest of her furniture was sold, and the son +drank it. On Saturday night he threw his mother from her bed to the +floor, removed the bed and bedding, and drank them. She was dead when +he returned, and on Sunday morning he took from his murdered mother's +body the wedding ring which she, miraculously, had preserved to the +end, and drank that. No one slew him. There was no lethal chamber for +him. He did not even figure in a police court for this particular +murder. + +People think _L'Assommoir_ dreadful, horrible. I cannot imagine what +stayed Zola's hand; I am at a loss to account for his astonishing +reticence, if he really knew anything of the worst degradation for +which drink is accountable. In two short years I must have come upon a +score of instances in every respect as horrible as that I have +mentioned. And some that were worse; yes, more vile; too vile to +recall even in thought. Brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters, +mothers and sons-- Oh! shame and degradation unspeakable! I do not know +if any section of the community is to blame. I do know that the glory +and brightness of life, the romance and the splendour of life--beauty, +chivalry, loyalty, pomp, grandeur, nobility--all have been for ever +robbed of some of their refulgence for me, as the result of two years +in the under world of London. Life could never be quite the same +again. + +I stood at the base of a statue and watched the stately passage among +her cheering subjects of the most venerable lady in Christendom. My +very soul thrilled loyalty to Queen Victoria, loyalty that was proud +and glad. And on the instant it was stabbed by the thought of another +widowed mother, flung from the death-bed her worn fingers had toiled +to save, and flung to die on the floor, by her son. The shame of it, +in Christian London! + +Were the poor always with us? Probably. But the awful human vermin +that I knew, were they always with us? I doubt it; nay, I do not +believe it. I believe they are part of England's sin, of England's +modern wickedness. I believe they are the maggots bred out of the sore +upon which our modern industrialism is based. When I looked upon the +vilest of this city spawn, if my rising gorge permitted thought at +all, I always had visions of little shrinking children whipped to work +in English factories and mines and potteries; of souls ground out of +anaemic bodies that Manchester might fatten. Free trade--licensed +slaughter! The rights of the individual--the sacred liberty of the +subject! Oh, I know it made England the emporium of the world, and +built up some splendid fortunes, and--well, I believe it gave us the +human vermin of our cities. + +There is no cure for them in this world. Nor yet for their damned and +doomed offspring--while the individual liberty shibboleths endure, +while mere numbers rule, or while our degenerate fear of every form of +compulsion lasts. And the present tendency is, not merely to stipulate +for complete freedom of action for the poor wretches, but to invite +them to govern, by count of heads. So marvellously enlightened are we +becoming! + +Those nightmarish two years seem a long way off. I must be careful not +to mislead myself regarding them. I have used such phrases as 'The +poor of London.' I think I would delete those phrases if I were +writing for other than my own eyes. I would not pretend that I like +the poor of London, as companions. But they have, as a class, notable +and admirable qualities. And many of the very poorest of them have +more of courage, and more I think of honesty, than the average member +of the class I came to know better later on: the big division which +includes all the professional people. The human wrecks are of the +poor, of course. But the really typical poor people are workers; the +wrecks, their parasites. + +Nothing in life is much more remarkable to me than an old man or an +old woman of the poorer working-class, say, in South Tottenham, who, +at the end of a long, struggling life remains decent, honest, cleanly, +upright, and self-respecting. That I think truly marvellous. I am +moved to uncover my head before such an one. The innate decency of +such people thrills me to pride of race, where a naval review or a +procession of royalties would leave me cold. I know something of the +environment in which those English men and women have lived out their +arduous lives. Among them I have seen evidences of a bravery which I +deliberately believe to be greater than any that has won the Victoria +Cross. + +I once had a room--which I had to leave because of its closeness to a +noisy street--immediately over a basement in which one old bed-ridden +man and two women lived. The man had been bed-ridden for more than +thirty years, and still was alive; for more than thirty years! His +wife and daughter supported him and themselves. The daughter made +match-boxes, and was paid 2 1/4d. for each gross; but out of that +generous remuneration she had to buy her own paste and thread. The +mother lived over a wash-tub. They all worked, slept, and ate, in the +one room, of course, and the man was never outside it for a moment. + +At the time of my arrival in that house, the daughter had recently +taken to her bed. She was a middle-aged woman, far gone in +consumption. It happened that a notorious inebriate, a woman, during +one of her periodical visits to the local police court, told a +missionary about my neighbours. He visited them, and was impressed, +though accustomed to such sights. But he could do nothing to help, it +seemed. They were very proud, and the mother washed very well; so well +that she had work enough to keep her going day and night; and, working +day and night, was able to earn an average of close upon eleven +shillings weekly, of which only four shillings had to be paid in rent, +and a trifle in medicine, soap, fuel, etc., leaving from five to six +shillings a week for the two invalids and herself to live upon. So +there was nothing to worry about, she said. She had stood at the tub +for thirty years, and ... + +Well, the missionary spoke to other folk, and other folk were touched, +and finally a lady and a gentleman came, with an ambulance and a +carriage, and twenty golden sovereigns. The old woman's liberty was +not to be interfered with. She herself was to have the spending of the +money. She was to take her patients to the seaside, and rest for a few +weeks, after her thirty years at the tub. I find a difficulty in +setting the thing down, for I can smell the steamy odours of that +basement now. + +This remarkable old woman quite civilly declined the gift, and +explained how well she could manage without assistance; proudly adding +that she had no fear of failing in her weekly subscription to the +funeral club, so that her husband was happy in the knowledge that no +pauper funeral awaited him. She was barely sixty-two herself, and had +managed very well these thirty years and more, and trusted, with +thanks, that she would manage to the end without charity. + +Argument was futile. So the lady and gentleman drove away with their +bright sovereigns; and when my next removal came the old woman was +still at her tub, the other two helpless ones still on their beds, and +living yet. One need not consider the wild unwisdom of it; but in the +astounding courage and endurance of it, I hold there is lesson and +ensample for the bravest man in British history. And among the working +poor such incidents cannot be very rare, because I knew of quite a +number in my very brief experience. + +That the England from whose loins such master men and women have +sprung should have bred also the festering spawn of human vermin that +litters many of the mean streets of London, aye, and the seats in its +parks and gardens, is a tragic humiliation; an indictment, too, as I +see it. Charity may cover a multitude of sins. It can never cover this +running sore; or, if it should ever cover it completely, so much the +worse; for I swear it can never heal, cleanse, or remove it. Nothing +sentimental, personal, and voluntary, nothing sporadic and spasmodic +can ever accomplish that. And to approach it with bleatings about the +will of the people, universal suffrage, old age, or any other kind of +pension, dole, or the like, is to be guilty of a cruel and +contemptible kind of mockery. + + +V + + +Looking back across the long succession of crowded years upon the +period of my struggle to obtain a foothold in the London world of +journalism and literature, I see a certain amount of pathos, some +bathos, and something too in the way of steadfast, unmercenary +endurance, which is not altogether unworthy of respect. + +In my humble opinion a foothold in that world was at least rather +better worth having in those days than it is to-day for a thinking man +of literary instincts. It was certainly vastly harder to obtain, in +the absence of any influence or assistance from established friends. + +Of late years I have met representatives of a type of young journalist +which had not yet come into existence when I arrived in London. In +those days (when the published price of novels was still 31s. 6d., and +halfpenny dailies were unknown) there were three kinds of newspaper +men. There were the hacks, very able fellows, some of them, but mostly +given to bar and taproom life; there were thoroughly well qualified, +widely informed, sober pressmen of the middle sort, who often spent +their whole lives in one employ; and there were literary men, +frequently of high scholarly attainments, who wrote for newspapers. +To-day, there are not very many representatives of these three +divisions. The modern host of journeymen, with their captains, keen +men of business, may represent a great advance upon their +predecessors. Since I am told we live in an age of wonderfully rapid +progress, I suppose they must. They certainly are different. To +realise this fully one has only to come in contact, once, with one of +the few surviving practitioners of the earlier type. They stand out +like trees in--shall I say?--a flower-bed. + +Ignorance of journalistic conditions and requirements, combined with a +foolish sort of personal sensitiveness or vanity, had more to do with +my early hardships and difficulties than anything in the quality of my +work. In the light of practical knowledge acquired later I see that I +might with ease have earned at least five times the amount of money I +did earn in those first years by doing about half the amount of work I +did, and--knowing how to dispose of it. I concentrated my entire stock +of youthful energy upon writing and reading, and really worked very +hard indeed. That, I thought, was my business. Some vague, benevolent +power, 'the World,' I suppose, was to see to it that I got my reward. +My part was to do the work. Good work might be trusted to bring its +own reward. And, in any case, I asked no more than that I should be +able to live with decency and go on with my work. I no longer had the +faintest sort of interest in the idea of saving money. That ambition +died with the end of my saving days in Sydney. I never thought about +it at all. It simply had ceased to exist. + +Well, my work, as a matter of fact, was not at all bad, and it was +amazingly abundant. I would wager I wrote not less than three hundred +articles, sketches, and stories during my first year, probably more, +and always in the most hostile and unsuitable sort of environments. +And my reward in that first year was slightly less than twenty pounds +sterling, something well below an average of two guineas each month. I +suppose I might have starved in that first year if I had not had some +twenty pounds in hand at the beginning of it. I had not twenty +shillings in hand at the end of it, and yet I had already learned what +hunger meant; not the bracing sensation of being sharp set and +enjoying one's meal, but the dull, deadening, sickly sensation which +comes of sustained work during weeks of bread and butter (or dripping) +diet, and none too much of that. + +The devilish thing about an insufficient dietary is that it saps one's +manhood. Few people whose circumstances have been uniformly +comfortable realise that the stomach is the real seat of self-respect, +courage, dignity, good manners, and the higher sort of honour, not to +mention the spirits and emotions. Most would scoff at the suggestion, +of course, feeling that it showed the low nature of the suggester. And +the thing of it is they cannot possibly test the truth of it. For, +given an average share of self-control and will-power, any educated +person can starve him or herself for a week or more, deliberately and +of set purpose, without much inconvenience, with no difficulty, and no +loss of self-respect. + +It is starvation, or semi-starvation _from necessity_, combined with a +hard-working routine of life, and without the soul-supporting +knowledge that one can stop and order a good meal whenever one +chooses; it is continuous and enforced lack of proper nutriment, +endured throughout sustained and unsuccessful efforts to overcome the +poverty that enforces it, that tells upon one's humanity and coarsens +the fibre of one's personality. There is a certain sustaining +exhilaration about voluntary abstinence from food, due to the +contemplation of one's mind's mastery. The reverse is true of the +hunger due to the unsuccess of one's efforts to obtain the wherewithal +to get better food and more of it. + +Poverty is a teacher, a most powerful schoolmaster, I freely grant. +But the most of the lessons it teaches are lessons I had liefer not +learn. As a teacher its one vehicle of instruction is the cane. First, +it weakens and humiliates the pupil; and then, at every turn, it beats +him, teaching him to walk with cowering shoulders, furtive eyes, a +sour and suspicious mind. I have no good word to say for poverty; and +I believe an insufficient dietary to be infernally bad for any +one--worse, upon the whole, than an over-abundant one--and especially so +for young men or women who are striving to produce original work. + +I have heard veterans criticise their sleek juniors, with a round +assertion that if these youngsters had had to fight their way on a +crust, as the veteran said he did, they would be vastly better men for +it. I do not believe it. Hard work, and even disappointment and loss, +are doubtless rich in educational and disciplinary values; but not +that wolfish, soul-crushing fight for insufficient food, not mere +poverty. I have tried them, and I know. + +Every day a procession of more or less battered veterans in life's +fight straggles across the floors of the police courts, from waiting-room +to dock and dock to cells. 'How extraordinarily vicious the poor +are!' says some shallow observer. In reality, a very large proportion +of these battered ones are there as drinkers. And, in any case, the +whole of them put together (including the many who require not penal +but medical treatment), supposing they were all viciously criminal--all +violent thieves, say--what a tiny handful they represent of the +poor of London! + +The enormous majority of the poor never set foot in a police court. +And yet, for one who knows anything of the conditions in which they +live, how marvellous that is! Most educated people, after all, go +through life, from cradle to grave, without once experiencing any +really strong temptation to break the law of the land. The very poor +are hardly ever free from such temptation; hardly ever free from it. I +know. I, with all the advantages behind me of traditions, +associations, memories, hopes, knowledge, and tastes, to which most +very poor people are strangers, I have felt my fingers itch, my +stomach crave woundily, as I passed along a mean street in which +food-stuffs were exposed outside shop windows; a practice which, upon a +variety of counts, ought long since to have been abolished by law. + +Oh, the decency, the restraint, and the enduring law-abidingness of +London's poor, in the face of continuously flaunting plenty, of gross +ostentation! It is the greatest miracle of our time. The comparative +absence of either religion or philosophy among them to-day makes the +spectacle of their docility, to me, far more remarkable than anything +in the history of mediaeval martyrdom. When I come to consider also +the prodigiously irritant influences of modern life in its +legislation, journalism, amusements, swift locomotion, and, not least, +its education for the masses, then I see wireless telegraphy and such +things as trifles, and the abiding self-restraint of the very poor as +our greatest marvel. + + +VI + + +After my second year in London I became approximately wealthy. Early +in the third year, at all events, I earned as much as five guineas in +a single month, and ate meat almost every day; in other words I began +to earn pretty nearly one-third as much as I had earned some years +previously in Sydney. I now bought books, and no longer always, as +before, at the cost of a meal or so. Holywell Street was a great +delight to me, and I never quite comprehended how Londoners could +bring themselves to let it go. I doubt if Fleet Street raised a single +protest, and yet-- Well, it was surprising. + +I wrote rather less in this period, and used more method in my attacks +upon the editors. I even succeeded in actually interviewing one or two +of them, including the gentleman to whom I carried a note of +introduction from a colleague he had never met. But I do not think I +gained anything by these interviews. I might possibly have done so had +they come earlier, while yet the freedom of easier days and of +sunshine was in my veins. But my mean street period had affected me +materially. It had made me morbidly self-conscious, and suspiciously +alive to the least hint of patronage or brusqueness. + +It is true I gave hours to the penetration of editorial sanctums; but +in nearly every case my one desire, when I reached them, was to escape +from them quickly without humiliation. In a busy man's very natural +dislike of interruption, or anxious glance toward his clock, I saw +contempt for my obscurity and suspicion of my poverty. And, after all, +I had nothing to say to these gentlemen, save to beg them to read the +effusions I pressed upon them; an appeal they would far rather receive +on half a sheet of notepaper. As to impressing my personality upon +them in any way, as I say, my uneasy thoughts in their presence were +usually confined to the problem of how best I might escape without +actual discredit. + +Once, I remember, in a very lean month, I chanced to see one of the +Olympians passing with god-like nonchalance into the restaurant of a +well-known hotel. On the instant, and without giving myself time for +reflection, I followed him down the glittering vestibule, and into a +palatial dining-hall. The hour was something between one and two +o'clock, and a minute before I had been thoughtfully weighing the +relative merits of an immediate allowance of sausages and mashed +potatoes for fivepence, or a couple of stale buns for one penny, to be +followed at nightfall by a real banquet--seven-pennyworth of honest +beef and vegetables. Now, with a trifle over four shillings in my +pocket, I was, to outward seeming, carelessly scanning a menu, in +which no single dish, not even the soup, seemed to cost less than +about three times the price of one of my best dinners. + +But at the next table sat a London editor. I was free to contemplate +him. Was not that feast enough for such as I? Evidently I thought it +was, for I told the waiter with an elaborate assumption of boredom +that I did not feel like eating much, but would see what I could make +of a little of the soup St. Germain. I wondered often if the man +noticed the remarkable manner in which the crisp French rolls on that +table disappeared, while I toyed languidly with my soup. I did not +dare to ask for more rolls when I had made an end of the four or five +that were on the table; but I could have eaten a dozen of them without +much difficulty. + +'No, thank you, I think I shall be better without anything to-day,' I +said to the waiter who drew my attention to a sumptuous volume which I +had already discovered to be the wine-list. There was a delicate +suggestion in my tone (I hoped) that occasional abstinence from wine, +say, at luncheon had been found beneficial for my gout. Certainly, if +he counted his rolls, the man could hardly have suspected me of a +diabetic tendency. + +All this time I studied the profile of the editor, while he leisurely +discussed, perhaps, half a sovereign's worth of luncheon. I hoped--and +again feared--he might presently recognise me; but he only looked +blandly through me once or twice to more important objects beyond. And +just as I had concluded that it was not humanly possible to spend any +longer over one spoonful of practically cold soup, he rose, gracefully +disguised a yawn, and strolled away to an Elysian hall in which, no +doubt, liqueurs, coffee, and cigars of great price were dispensed. +This was not for me, of course. + +They managed somehow to make my bill half a crown, and, as a trifling +mark of my esteem, I gave the waiter the price of two of my ordinary +dinners, for himself. I badly wanted to give him sixpence, but lacked +the requisite moral courage, though I do not suppose he would have +wasted a thought upon it either way, and if he had--but, as I say, I +gave him a shilling. After all I do not suppose the poor fellow earned +much more in a day than I earned in a week. And then (still with +prudent thought for my gouty tendency, no doubt) I loftily waved aside +all suggestions of coffee in the lounge, and made my way to the +street, with the air of one who found luncheon a rather annoying +interruption in his management of great affairs. + +'Now if you had as much enterprise and resourcefulness as--as a +bandicoot,' I told myself, passing down the Thames Embankment, 'you +would have entered into conversation with A----, and by this time he +would be pressing you to write articles for him. Instead of that, +you'll have to content yourself with dry bread to-night and to-morrow, +my friend.' + +But I did not altogether regret that bread and soup luncheon, after +all. It was an adventure of sorts, and quite a streak of colour in its +way, across the drab background of South Tottenham days. + +There were times when the spirit of revolt filled my very soul, and +all life seemed black or red in my eyes. But I do not recall any day +of panic or suggested surrender. On one day of revolt, when I told +myself that this slum life in London was too horrible for a +self-respecting dingo, let alone a man, I buttoned up my coat and +walked with angry haste all the way to Epping Forest. In that noble +breathing-place I raged to and fro under trees and through scrub, +delighting in the prickly caress of brambles, and pausing in +breathless ecstasy to watch rabbits at play in a dim, leafy glade. +Fully twelve miles I must have walked, and then, healed and tamed, but +somewhat faint from unwonted exercise and wonted lack of good food, I +sat down in a little arbour and wolfishly devoured just as much as I +could get in the form of a ninepenny tea. I fear there can have been +no margin of profit for the good woman who served me. + +At that period my digestive faculties still were holding up +miraculously, or my sufferings on the homeward tramp would have been +acute. As a fact I reached home in rare spirits, and almost--so cheery +was I--cancelled the notice I had given that morning of my intention +to vacate the current garret. But the smell of the house smiting my +forest freshness as I stepped over the boards, jammed in its threshold +to keep crawling children in, saved me from that indiscretion. There +were fewer drunkards, less fighting, and not many more insects in that +house than in most of my places of residence; but the smell of it I +shall never, never forget. In that respect it was the vilest in a vile +series of slum dwellings, and many and many a time had caused me to +revile my naturally keen olfactory organs. I had endured it for almost +a month, and would suffer its unmanning horrors no more. Indeed, I +would suffer nothing like it again. Why should I? My earnings were +increasing. I would escape from the whole district, its miseries, its +smells, its infamies, and its thousand dehumanising degradations. I +would emigrate. + +Yes, that tramp in Epping Forest was quite epoch-making. It came after +more than two years of struggle in London. I had made fully five +pounds in the past month. I had actually laid aside a couple of +sovereigns, and doubtless that salient fact emboldened me. Also, I had +had a number of quite meaty meals of late. But the wild stamping to +and fro under trees, the sight of the bonny, white-sterned rabbits at +play, the copious tea in a pleached arbour, the clean forest air--these +I am sure had been as a fiery stimulant to my drooping manhood. +I went to bed full of the most reckless resolves, and astonishingly +light-hearted. + +In the morning, having feasted (as well as the prevailing smell +permitted) upon an apple, brown bread, and tea--butter was 'off' that +day, I remember--I set forth upon a prospecting tour, working westward +from my north-easterly abode, through Holloway, Finsbury, the Camden +Road, and such places, into the neighbourhood of Regent's Park. The +park, which was strange to me, pleased me greatly; as did also certain +minor streets in its neighbourhood, a mews which I found quaint and +quite rural in its suggestions, and sundry white houses with green +shutters which, for some reason, I remember I called 'discreet.' There +was nothing here that looked poor enough for me, but none the less I +inquired at one or two of the smaller houses whose windows held cards +indicating that rooms were to let in them. + +At length, in a quiet and decent thoroughfare called Howard Street, I +happened upon Mrs. Pelly's house--No. 37. The girl who answered my +knock had a pleasant little face, and a soft, kindly tone in speaking. +I supposed she was not more than one-and-twenty, perhaps less. Her +mother was out, she said, but she would show me the only vacant room +they had. Indeed--with a little smile--she really did more for the +lodgers than her mother did. + +The room was at the back of the house on the first floor, and there +was but one other floor above it. It had a French window, with a tiny +iron balcony, three feet by eighteen inches. The furnishings were +greatly superior to any I had had in London. There was actually a +little writing-table with drawers, and from the window one could see +distinctly the waving green tops of trees in the park. The rent was +eleven shillings. Whereat I sighed heavily. But the writing-table, +and, above all, the actual view of tree-tops in the distance! I sighed +again, and explained regretfully that I feared my limit was eight +shillings. Then the young woman sighed too, and mentioned, with +apparent irrelevance, that her mother might be in any moment now. + +I had earned five pounds in the previous month. With reasonable care +my food need not cost more than seven to ten shillings a week. Of +course I had managed on considerably less. I knew very well that that +sort of semi-starvation was in every way bad; but, when I thought of +that quiet back room, the distant tree-tops, the absence of smells, +the fact that I had seen no filthy or drunken people in the +neighbourhood, the soft-spoken girl at my side--'By heavens! It's +worth it,' I said to myself. + +And just then--we were in the narrow ground floor passage--the mother +arrived, bringing with her an unmistakable whiff of a public-house +bar. This stiffened my relaxing prudence considerably. I had no kindly +feeling left for taverns, especially where women were concerned. But, +by an odd chance, it happened that Mrs. Pelly was not only in a +talkative mood, but also in higher spirits than I ever saw her +afterwards. She insisted on reinspection of the room, a sufficiently +dangerous thing in itself for me. And then, standing beside its open +window, with arms folded over the place in which her waist once had +been, she avowed that she thought the room would suit me, and that I +should suit the room. + +'There's a writing-table in it, an' all, ye see,' she said, having +received a hint as to my working habits. + +There was indeed. I was little likely to forget it. It now seemed the +charge for the room was eleven shillings weekly, without 'attendance.' +But Mrs. Pelly had never been a woman to stick out over trifles, that +she hadn't; and, right or wrong, though she hoped she might never live +to rue the day, she would let the gentleman this room for nine +shillings a week, and include 'attendance' in that merely nominal +rate--'So there, Miss!' This, to her daughter Fanny, and in apparent +forgetfulness of my presence. + +It was a thrilling moment for me, standing there with one hand on the +writing-table, my gaze fixed over the scantily covered top of Mrs. +Pelly's head--she wore no hat--upon the trees in the distance. +Prudence gabbled at me: 'You can't afford it. You must eat. You'll be +sold up, and serve you right.' But, of course, the table and the +window won. After all, had I not earned five pounds in the past month? +And, excepting boots, my outfit was still pretty good! + +I could not wait for Monday. The window and the table pulled too hard. +So I installed myself at No. 37 on the Saturday afternoon, and thanked +God sincerely that I was no longer in a slum. + + +VII + + +On fine mornings I used to leave door and window blocked open in my +room, and take half an hour's walk in the park before breakfast. The +weather was sometimes unkind, of course, but Fanny never, and she +would neglect the rooms of other lodgers in order to hasten the +straightening of mine. The other lodgers were all folk whose business +took them away from Howard Street as soon as breakfast was dispatched, +and kept them away till evening. + +It often happened that I would work at my little writing-table until +the small hours of the morning; and in such cases, more often than +not, I would leave the house directly after breakfast, walk down +Tottenham Court Road, and tack through Bloomsbury to Gray's Inn and +Fleet Street, or wherever else the office might lie for which the +manuscript I carried was destined. Where possible, I preferred this +method of disposing of manuscripts. Not only did it save stamps--a +considerable item with me--but it seemed quicker and safer than the +post. I had a dishonest little formula for porters and bell boys in +these offices, from the enunciation of which I derived a comforting +sense of security and dispatch. + +'You might let the editor have this directly he comes in,' I would say +as I handed over my envelope; 'promised for to-day, without fail.' + +Well, I had promised--myself. And this little formula, in addition to +making for prompt delivery, I thought, gave one a sense of actual +relationship with the editor. Save for the trifling fact that the +manuscript would, probably, in due course be returned, or even +consigned to the waste-paper basket, my method seemed to put me on the +footing of one who had written a commissioned article. The dramatic +value of the formula was greatly enhanced where one happened to know +the editor's name, and could say in a tone of urgent intimacy: 'You +might let Mr. ---- have this directly he comes in,' etc. In those +cases one walked down the office stairway humming an air. It was next +door to being one of the Olympians, and that without sacrificing one's +romantic liberty as a free-lance. + +As my earnings rose--and they did rise with agreeable rapidity after +my establishment in Howard Street--I wrote less and thought more. I +also walked more, and saw more of London, But I was still writing a +great deal; more probably than any salaried journalist in the town, +though a large proportion of my writings never saw the light of print. +When I had been living for five or six months in Howard Street, my +earnings were averaging from ten pounds to fifteen pounds each month. +For a long time I seemed able to maintain something like this average, +but not to improve upon it. It may be that my efforts slackened at +that point, and that I gave more time to reading and walking. This is +the more likely, because I know I felt no interest whatever in the +progress of the account I opened in the Post Office savings bank. + +It was about this time, I fancy, though only in my twenty-fourth or +twenty-fifth year, that I began seeking advice from chemists and their +assistants, under whose guidance I tapped the fascinating but deadly +field of patent medicines. The fact was I had completely disorganised +my digestive system during two years and more of catering for myself +upon an average outlay of six or seven shillings weekly (sometimes +much less, of course), whilst living an insanely sedentary life in +which the allowance of sleep, exercise, and fresh air had been as +inadequate as my dietary. A wise physician might possibly have been +able to steer me into smooth waters now, especially if he had driven +me out of London. But the obstinate energy and conceit of youth was +still strong in my veins. I had no money to waste on doctors, I told +myself. And so I held desultory consultations across the counters of +chemist's shops, and, supremely ignorant as to causes, attacked +symptoms with trustful energy, consuming great quantities of mostly +valueless and frequently harmful nostrums. + +Another step I took at this time, after quaintly earnest discussion +with Fanny, was to arrange an additional payment of eight shillings a +week to Mrs. Pelly, in return for the provision of my very simple +breakfast and a bread and cheese luncheon each day. This relieved me +of a task for which I had never had much patience, and very likely it +was also an economy. My evening meal I preferred, as a general thing, +to obtain elsewhere. It was one of my few entertainments this foraging +after inexpensive dinners, and watching and listening to other diners. +At that time my prejudices were the exact antithesis of those that +came later on, and I preferred foreign restaurants and foreign service +and cooking, quite apart from the fact that I found them nearly always +cheaper and more entertaining than the native varieties. + +It was in a dingy little French eating-house near Wardour Street +(where I must say the cooking at that time really was skilful, though +I dare say the material used was villainously bad, since the prices +charged were low, even judged by my scale in such matters) that I +first made the acquaintance of Sidney Heron. I felt sure that Heron +must be a remarkable man, even before I spoke to him, or heard him +speak, for he lived with a monocle fixed in his right eye, and never +moved it, even when he blew his nose and gesticulated violently, as he +so often did. The monocle was attached to a broad black ribbon which, +in some way, seemed grotesque as contrasted with the dingy greyish-white +flannel cricketing shirts which Heron always wore, with a red +tie under the collar. Linen in any guise he clearly scorned. I do not +think his boots were ever cleaned, and he appeared to spend even less +upon clothing than I did. I do not know just how he disposed of his +money, but he earned two hundred or three hundred a year as a writer, +and he was invariably short of funds. I think it quite conceivable +that he may have maintained some poor relation or relations, but in +all the years of our acquaintance I never heard him mention a +relative. He certainly lived poorly himself. + +Our acquaintance resulted from his tipping a rum omelette into my lap. +The tables at this little restaurant were exceptionally narrow, and I +suppose Heron was exceptionally cross, even for him. The omelette was +burnt, he said, and after pishing and tushing over it for a moment or +two he shouted to the overworked waiter, giving his plate so angry a +thrust at the same time that it collided violently with mine, and the +offending omelette ricochetted into my lap. + +Heron's apologies indicated far more of anger than contrition, I +thought; but they led to conversation, at all events, and as he lived +in the Hampstead Road we walked a mile or more together after leaving +the restaurant. It was the beginning of companionship of a sort for +me, and if we did not ever become very close friends, at all events +our intimacy endured without rupture for many years. + +At the outset I was given an inkling of the irascibility of his +temper, and my subsequent method, in all our intercourse, was simply +to leave him whenever he became quarrelsome, and to take up our +relations when next we met at the point immediately preceding that at +which temper had overcome him. At heart an honourable and I am sure +kindly man, Heron had a temper of remarkable susceptibility to +irritation. The stomachic causes which, as time went on, produced +melancholy and dense, black depression in me, probably accounted for +his eruptions of violent irascibility. And I fancy we were equally +ignorant and brutal in our treatment of our own physical weaknesses. + +Heron certainly became one of my distractions, one of my human +interests outside work, at this time. But there was another, and the +other came closer home to me. + +I suppose I spent seven or eight months in discovering that Mrs. Pelly +was a singularly unpleasant woman. But the thing did eventually become +plain to me, so plain indeed that it would have caused me to give up +my French window and writing-table and migrate once more, but for +certain considerations outside my own personal comfort. That Mrs. +Pelly consumed far more gin than was good for her became apparent to +me during my first week, if not my first day, in Howard Street. But as +she rarely entered my room, and our encounters were merely accidental +and momentary, this weakness would never have affected me much. + +What did affect me was my very gradual discovery of the fact that this +woman treated her own daughter with systematic cruelty--a thing +happily unusual in her class, as it is also, I think, among the very +poor of London. At the end of eight or nine months my increasing +knowledge of Mrs. Pelly's harsh unkindness to Fanny had begun to weigh +on my mind a good deal. It was a singular case, in many ways. Here was +a girl, a young woman rather, in her twenty-first year, who to all +intents and purposes might be said to be carrying on with her own +hands the entire work of a house which sheltered five lodgers; and, as +a fact, it was rarely that a day passed without her suffering actual +physical violence at the hands of that gin-soaked termagant, her +mother. + +The woman positively used to pinch Fanny in such a way as to leave +blue bruises on her arm. She used to pull her hair violently, slap her +face, and strike at her with any sort of weapon that happened to be +within reach. Further, when the vicious fit took her, she would lock +up pantry and kitchen, and make this hard-working girl go hungry to +bed at night, by way of punishment for some pretended misdeed. And the +astounding thing was that, with all this and more, Fanny retained a +very real affection for her unnatural parent; and used to plead that, +but for the effect of liquor upon her, Mrs. Pelly would be and was a +good mother. + +It appeared that Fanny had lost her father when she was about twelve +years old, and ever since that time her mother's extraordinary +attitude towards her had become increasingly harsh and cruel. She +never had a penny of her own, though she did the work of two servants, +and her clothes were mostly home-made make-shifts from discarded +garments of her mother's. When necessity caused her to ask for new +boots, for example, the penalty would be perhaps a week of vile abuse +and bullying, of slaps, pinches, docked meals and other humiliations, +all of which must be endured before the wretched woman would buy a +pair of the cheapest and ugliest shoes obtainable, and fling them to +her daughter from out her market-basket. If they were a misfit, Fanny +would have to suffer them as best she could. Or, in other cases, new +shoes would be refused altogether, and she would be ordered to make +shift with a pair her mother had worn out. + +It was only very gradually that I came to know these things. Once, +when I knew no more than that Fanny worked very hard and seldom +stirred out of the house, I chanced to encounter mother and daughter +together on the stairs early on a Sunday evening. The girl looked +pinched and unhappy, and something moved me to make a suggestion I +should hardly have ventured upon then, if the mother had not happened +to be present. + +'You look tired, Fanny,' I said. 'Why not come out for a walk in the +park with me? The air would do you good, and perhaps you will have a +bit of dinner somewhere with me before getting back. Do! It would be +quite a charity to a lonely man.' + +I saw her tired brown eyes brighten at the thought, and then she +turned timidly in Mrs. Pelly's direction. + +'Oh!' said I, on a rather happy inspiration, 'I believe you're one of +the vain people who fancy they are indispensable. I am sure Mrs. Pelly +would be delighted for you to come; wouldn't you, Mrs. Pelly? There +will be no lodgers home till late this fine evening.' + +Mrs. Pelly simpered at me, with a rather forbidding light in her eye, +I thought. But I had struck the right note in that word +'indispensable.' + +'Oh, she's very welcome to go, for me, Mr. Freydon; and I'm sure it's +very kind of you to ask her. Girls nowadays don't do so much when they +are at work but what it's easy enough to spare 'em. But, haven't you +got a tongue, miss? Why don't you thank Mr. Freydon?' + +'No, indeed,' I laughed. 'The thanks are coming from me. I'll just go +back to my room and write a letter, and you will let me know as soon +as you're ready, won't you, Fanny?' + +Well, I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed that little outing. +I thought there never had been any one who was so easily pleased and +entertained. Doubtless her worshipful attitude flattered my youthful +vanity. But, apart from this, it was a real delight to see the flush +of enjoyment come and go in her pale, pretty face, when we rode on the +top of an omnibus, examined flowers in the park, and sat down to a +meal with the preparation and removal of which she was to have no +concern whatever. It was a pretty and touching sight, I say, to see +how these very simple pleasures delighted her. But I very soon learned +that this experience must not be repeated. Indeed, it was in this wise +that I obtained my first inklings of the real wretchedness of Fanny's +life. She had to suffer constant humiliations for a week or more, as +the price of the little jaunt she had with me. Her mother found it +hard to forget or forgive the fact that her daughter had had an hour +or two of freedom and enjoyment. Realisation of this made me detest +the woman. + +And then, it may have been three months after this little outing, +there came another Sunday incident that moved me. I returned to my +room unexpectedly about six o'clock, having forgotten to take out with +me a certain paper. The house was very silent, and perhaps that made +me walk more softly than usual up the stairs. As I opened my door the +warm, yellow light of the setting sun was slanting across my +writing-table, and in the chair before it sat Fanny, reading a magazine. + +My first thought was of irritation. I did not like to see any one +sitting at my writing-table. I was touchy regarding that one spot--the +table, my papers, and so forth. In the same instant irritation gave +place to some quite other feeling, as the sunlight showed me that +tears were rolling down Fanny's pale face. + +She sprang to her feet in great confusion, murmuring almost passionate +apologies in her habitually soft, small voice. + +'Oh, please forgive me, Mr. Freydon! I know it was a liberty. Please +do forgive me. I will never do it again. Please say you will overlook +it, and--and not tell my mother.' + +She unmistakably shrank, trembling, almost cowering before me, so that +I was made to feel a dreadful brute. + +'My dear Fanny,' I said, touching her arm with my fingers, 'there's +nothing to forgive. How absurd! I hope you will always sit there +whenever you like. As though I should mind! But what were you +reading?' + +The question had no point for me, and was designed merely to relieve +the tension. + +'Oh, your story, Mr. Freydon. It's--it's too beautiful. That was what +made me forget where I was, and sit on here. I just glanced at it--like; +and then--and I couldn't leave it. Oh!' + +And she drew up her apron and dabbed her eyes. I don't believe the +poor soul possessed a handkerchief. Here was a pretty pass then! I had +forgotten for the moment that one of the three magazines on the table +contained a short story of which, upon its appearance, I had been +inordinately proud. I was young, and no one else flattered me. +Literally nobody had shared my gratification in the publication of +this story. Here was somebody from whom it drew indubitable tears; +some one who was deeply moved by its beauty.... + +I patted her shoulder. I drew confidences from her regarding the +wretchedness of her home life. I laid down emphatic instructions that +she was to regard my room as her sanctuary; to use it whenever and +howsoever she might choose, irrespective of my presence or absence. I +bade her make free with my few books--as though the poor soul had +abundance of leisure--comforted her to the best of my ability; and-- Yes, +let me evade nothing. I stroked her hair, and in leaving her, with +reiterated instructions to remain there and rest, I touched her cool +white cheek with my lips, and was strangely thrilled by the touch. + +A warm wave of what I thought pity and sympathy passed over me as I +walked from her. + + +VIII + + +It is rather a matter of regret with me now that I never kept a diary. +Mine has been upon the whole a somewhat lonely life, and lonely men +often do keep diaries. But, in my case, I suppose writing was too much +the daily business of life to permit of leisure being given to the +same task. + +However, the dates of certain volumes of short stories, which appeared +long ago with my name upon their covers, are for me evidence that, +after the first six months of my stay in Howard Street, my work began +to tend more and more towards fiction, and away from newspaper +articles. My dealings at this time brought me more closely into touch +with magazines than with newspapers. I became more concerned with +human emotions and character, but especially with emotions, than with +those more abstract or again more matter-of-fact themes which had +served me in the writing of newspaper articles. + +This may have helped me in some ways, since it meant that my name was +fairly frequently seen in print now. But the point I have in mind is, +that I take this tendency in my work to have been an indication of the +particular phase of character development through which I was passing +at the time. It was at this period that I indulged myself in +occasional dreams of fame. I do not know that my conceit made me +offensive in any way. I hardly think it went so far. But, in my inmost +heart, I believe I judged myself to be a creative artist of note. I +certainly had a lively imagination, a good deal of fluency--too much, +indeed--as a writer, and a considerable amount of emotional capacity +and sympathy. + +Later in life I often wondered, not without depression, why I no +longer seemed able to move people, to influence them in a given +direction, or to arouse their enthusiasm, with the same facility which +I had known in my twenties. I see now the reasons of this. My +emotional capacity spent itself rapidly in writing and living; and +with its exhaustion (and the development of my critical faculties) +came an attenuation, a drying up, so to say, of the quality of facile +emotional sympathy, which in earlier years had made it easy for me to +attract, prepossess, or influence people at will. + +Given some practical organising qualities which I certainly did not +possess, I apprehend that at this period I might have engineered +myself into a considerable vogue of popularity as a writer of fiction. +A little later I might almost have slid into the same position, even +in the absence of the practical qualities aforesaid, but for the trend +of circumstances which then became highly antagonistic to that sort of +development. + +But I note with some interest that the stories I took to writing at +this period were highly emotional in tone, and somewhat exotic in +their setting. The exotic settings may have been due in part to the +fact that I had travelled, and yet more I fancy to revulsion from the +material background of my early life in London. And the emotionalism +must be attributed, I apprehend, in part to my age and temperament, +and in part to my comparative solitude. + +I find it extremely difficult justly to appraise or analyse my +relations with Fanny. In one mood I see merely youth, folly, vanity, +and romantic emotionalism, directing my conduct; and again I fancy I +discern some loftier motive, such as sincerely chivalrous generosity, +humanity, unselfish desire to help and uplift, etc. Doubtless, in this +as in most matters, a variety of motives and influences played their +part in shaping one's conduct. Single and entirely unmixed motives are +much more rare than most people believe, I fancy. Pride and vanity +have a way of dogging generosity's footsteps very closely; steadfast +endurance and selfish obstinacy are nearly related; and I dare say +real kindness of heart often has a place where we most of us see only +reckless self-indulgence. + +I remember very well a cold, clear moonlight night in the Hampstead +Road, when reaction from solitary reflection made me unbosom myself a +good deal to Sidney Heron, in the form of seeking his advice. On +previous occasions I had told him something of Fanny and her dismal +position, and he had seen her once or twice at my lodging. + +'H'm! Yes. Precisely. So I inferred.' + +It was with such ejaculations, rather sardonic in tone, I thought, +that he listened to me as we walked. + +'Well, what shall I do?' I said at length as we reached his gate. + +'What will you do?' he echoed. 'Well, my friend, since you are an +inspired ass, and a confirmed sentimentalist, I imagine you----' + +'What would you advise in the circumstances, I mean?' I interpolated +hurriedly. + +'My advice. Oh, that's another matter altogether, and of absolutely no +value.' + +'But, on the contrary, you are older than I.' + +'I am indeed--centuries.' + +'And your advice should be very helpful to me.' + +'So it should. But it won't be, because you won't follow it.' + +'How can you know that?' + +'From my knowledge of human nature, sir; and, in particular, my +observation of your sub-species.' + +'Try me, anyhow.' + +'Very well. Change your lodging to-morrow, and never set foot in +Howard Street again. There's my advice, and it's the best you'll ever +get--and the last you'd ever think of following. Give me a cigarette +if you want to continue this perfectly useless conversation.' + +'But, my dear Heron, I'm anxious to do the wisest thing----' + +'Not you!' + +'But consider the plight of that poor girl.' + +'Oh, come! This opens new ground. I thought I was engaged to advise +you.' + +'Certainly. But in relation to--to what we've been talking about.' + +'H'm! In relation, you mean, to Fanny Pelly? Phoebus, what a name! I +wonder if you know what you mean, Freydon! Let's assume you mean +having equal regard to your own interests and those of your gin-drinking +landlady's daughter. Hey?' + +'Well, yes. Always remembering, of course, that I am only a man, and +she----' + +'Oh, Lord! Excuse me. Yes; you are only a man, as you so truly say; +and she is--your landlady's daughter. Well, well, upon the whole, and +giving her interests a fair show, I think my advice would be precisely +the same--clear out to-morrow.' + +'And what about her future?' + +'My dear man, am I a reasoning human being, or a novelette-reading +jelly-fish? Did I not say that having regard to the interests of both, +that is my advice? Kindly credit me with the modicum of intelligence +required for adequate consideration of both sides. It isn't an +international complication, you know; neither is it a situation +entirely without precedent in history. But, mind you, I'm perfectly +well aware that no advice, however good, is ever of any practical use; +least of all in circumstances of this order. It does, I believe, +occasionally impel its victim in the direction opposite to the one +indicated. Yes, and especially in such cases. Well, my friend, upon +reconsideration then, my advice is that first thing to-morrow morning +you proceed to Doctors' Commons, wherever and whatever that may be, +procure a special licence, and many the girl. Only--don't you dare to +ask me to have anything to do with it.' + +The suggestion has a fantastic look, but I am more than half inclined +to think Heron's final piece of advice did have its bearing upon my +subsequent actions. For it started a train of thought in my mind +regarding marriage. It gave a practical shape to mere vague +imaginings. It set me looking into details. For example, I distinctly +remember murmuring to myself as I turned the corner of Heron's street: + +'Yes, after all, I suppose getting married is quite a simple job, +really. There are registrar's offices, aren't there? I suppose it's +pretty well as simple, really, as getting a new coat.' + +How Heron would have grinned if he had been able to follow this +soliloquy! + +Fanny was on her knees before my hearth when I reached my room. The +lamp burned clear and soft beside my blotting-pad. The fire glowed +cheerily, and Fanny had just swept the hearth, so that no speck showed +upon it. And my slippers were in the fender. Less than a year earlier +my homecomings had been singularly different; a dark, cold room in a +malodorous house, with very possibly a drunken couple brawling on the +landing outside. + +But there were tears in Fanny's eyes. The mother was in one of her +vicious tempers, it seemed, and had gone to bed in her basement room +with the keys of larder and kitchen, and a bottle of gin. The +daughter's last meal had been whatever she could get for midday +dinner. And it was now nine o'clock in the evening. + +'Just you wait there. Don't stir from where you arc. I'll be back in +three minutes,' I told her. + +There was a ham and beef shop at the junction of Howard and Albany +Street. Thither I hastened. Leaving this convenient repository of +ready-cooked comestibles, I bethought me of the question of something +to drink. I was bent on doing this thing well, according to my lights. +Presently I reached my room again, armed with pressed beef, cold +chicken, bread, butter, mustard, salt, plates, cutlery, a segment of +vividly yellow cake, and, crowning triumph, a half bottle of Macon. + +The Dickensian tradition rather suggests that the ripe experience of a +middle-aged _bon vivant_ is desirable in the host at such occasions. +Well, in that master's time youth may have lasted longer in life than +it does with us. My own notion is that mine was the ideal age for such +a part. I think of that little supper--Fanny's tremulous sips of +Burgundy from my wash-stand tumbler, the warm flush in her pale +cheeks, and the sparkle in her brown eyes--as crystallising a good +deal of the phase in which I was living just then. I am quite sure I +did it well, very well. + +In buying those viands I knew I should keenly enjoy our little supper. +I pictured very clearly how delightful it would all seem to poor +Fanny; her flushed enjoyment; just what a rare treat the whole episode +would be for her. I knew how pleasantly that spectacle would thrill +me. I thought too, in a way, what a devilish romantic chap I was, +rushing out at night to purchase supper--and Burgundy; that was +important; claret would not have served--for a forlorn and unhappy +girl, who, but for my resourcefulness, would have gone starving to +bed. How oddly mixed the motives! The Burgundy, now; I believed it a +more generous and feeding wine than any other. Also, for some reason, +it was for me a more romantic wine; more closely associated with, say, +the Three Musketeers and with Burgundian Denys, comrade of Reade's +Gerard. + +I quite genuinely wanted to help Fanny, to do her good, to brighten +her dull life. The contemplation of her pleasure gave me what some +would call the most unselfish delight. Withal, as I say, how oddly +various are one's motive springs, especially in youth! And, in some +respects, what a blind young fool I was! That wine, now.... Who +knows? ... I took but a sip or two, for ceremony's sake, and insisted on +fragile Fanny finishing the half bottle. And I kissed her lips, not +her cheek, as I held the lamp high to light her on her way to the +garret where she slept. + +* * * * * + +I have not the smallest desire to make excuses for such foolishness as +I displayed, at this or any other period. But I think it just to +remind myself that there are worse things than foolishness, and that +my relations with Fanny might conceivably have formed a darker page +for me to look back upon than they actually did form. We both were +young, both lonely; neither of us had found much tenderness in life, +and I--I was passing through an extremely emotional phase of life, as +my work of that period clearly shows. + +Within a month of that evening of the supper in my room, Fanny and I +were married in a registrar's office in St. Pancras, and set up +housekeeping in one tiny bedroom and a sitting-room in Camden Town. I +had convinced Fanny that this was the only way out of her troubles, +and goodness knows I believed it. Heron refused point blank to witness +the ceremony, such as it was; but he shared our table at his favourite +little French restaurant that evening, and even consented to prolong +the festive occasion by spending a further hour with us in our new +quarters. + +I think Fanny was pretty much preoccupied in wondering what her mother +would make of the joint note we had left for her. (I had removed all +my belongings from No. 37 several days before.) But I thought she made +a pretty little figure as a bride--gentle, clinging, tender, and no +more than agreeably shy. And Heron, what a revelation to me his manner +was! Throughout the evening there appeared not one faintest hint of +his habitual acidulated brusqueness. Not one sharp word did he speak +that night, and his manner toward my wife was the perfection of gentle +and considerate courtesy. I was dumbfounded and deeply moved by his +really startling behaviour. He was so incredibly gentle. His parting +words, such words as I had never thought to hear upon his lips, were: + +'Heaven bless you both!' And then, as I could have sworn, with +moisture in his eyes, he added: 'You are both good souls, and--after +all, some are happy!' + +For so convinced and angry a cynic and pessimist, his behaviour had +been remarkable. When I returned to Fanny she was admiring her pretty, +new, dove-coloured frock in the fly-blown mirror of our sitting-room. +Poor child, her experience of new frocks had not been extensive. + +'He's a real gentleman, is Mr. Heron,' she said with a little +welcoming smile to me. I liked the smile; but, almost for the first +time I think, on that day at all events, her words jarred on me a +little. But what jarred more perhaps was the fact that these words, so +apparently innocent and harmless, sent a vagrant thought through my +mind that filled me with harsh self-contempt. The thought will +doubtless appear even more paltry than it was if put into words, but +it was something to the effect that-- Of course, Heron was a +gentleman! Why else would he be a friend of mine? + +Perhaps the thought was hardly so absurd as my solemn self-contempt +over it! ... + + +IX + + +I have sometimes thought that, in its early days at all events, and +before the more serious trouble arose, our married life might have +been a little brighter if we had quarrelled occasionally. It would +perhaps have shown a more agreeable disposition in me. But we did not +quarrel. I felt, and probably showed, displeasure and dissatisfaction; +and Fanny-- But how shall I presume to tell what Fanny felt? She +showed occasional tears, and what I grew to think rather frequent +sulks and peevishness. + +Our first difficulties began within a day or two of our marriage. +Chief among them I would place what I regarded as my wife's altogether +unaccountable and quite unreasonable determination to keep up +relations with her mother. I thought I was unfairly treated here, and +I made no allowance for filial feelings, or the influence of Fanny's +life-long tutelage. I only saw that she had very gladly allowed me to +rescue her from the tyranny of a spiteful, gin-drinking, old woman; +and that, within forty-eight hours, she was for visiting her mother as +a regular thing, and even proposed that I should join her in this. + +That was one of the early difficulties; and another, more distressing +in its way, was my discovery of the fact that it was apparently +impossible for me to think consecutively, or to write when I had +thought, in a room which was my wife's living place. It was strange +that I should never have given a thought before marriage to a +practical point so intimately touching my peace of mind and means of +livelihood. + +At present it did not seem to me that I could possibly afford to rent +another room. I certainly was not prepared to banish Fanny to our tiny +bedroom, separated from the other room by folding doors. She had no +notion as yet that her presence or doings constituted any sort of +interruption in my work. The change from carrying on the whole work of +a lodging-house to living in lodgings with practically no domestic +work to do was one which, in my foolish ignorance, I had thought would +prove immensely beneficial to overworked Fanny. As a fact I think it +bored her terribly after the first week. She sometimes liked to read, +but never, I think, for more than half an hour at a stretch. She never +wrote a letter, and did not care for thinking. + +I have found very few people in any class of life who like to sit and +think; very few, even among educated people, who showed any sympathy +or comprehension in the matter of my own lifelong desire for leisure +in which to think. To do this or that, yes; but just to think! That +seems to be a lamentable and most boring kind of futility, as most +folk see it. It has for many years figured as the most desirable thing +in life to me. + +Looking back upon my married life, I believe I may say with truth that +for two years I did not relax in my sincere efforts to make it a +success. It would be more exact perhaps to say that for one year I +tried hard to make it a success, and for another year I tried hard to +make it tolerable. Yes, I did my best through that period, though my +efforts were quite unsuccessful. I realise that this does not justify +or excuse the fact that, to all intents and purposes, I then gave up +trying. In that, of course, I was to blame; very much to blame. Well, +I did not go unpunished. + +It would not be easy for a literary man who had never tried it to +understand what it means to live practically in one room (with a +sleeping cubicle opening out of it) with a woman. I suppose a woman +would never forgive or see much excuse for the man who makes a failure +of married life. I wonder how it would strike a literary woman if she +tried life in these circumstances with an unliterary man who, whilst +clinging to leisure and having no inclination to forfeit an hour of it +in a day, yet was bored extremely from lack of occupation and +resource. + +The horrid intimacy of urban life for all poor and needy people must +be very wearing. Its lack of privacy is most distressing. But this +becomes enormously aggravated, of course, where the bread-winner must +do his work within the walls of the cramped home. And that aggravation +of difficulties is multiplied tenfold if the bread-winner's work must +not only be done inside the home, but must also be the product of +sustained and concentrated thought; if it be work of that sort which +lends itself readily to interruption, in which a moment's break may +mean an hour's delay, and an hour's delay may mean for the worker a +fit of hot disgust in which his unfinished task finds its way into +fireplace or waste-paper basket. + +The year which I gave to trying to make a success of our married life +appears to me in the retrospect as a monotonous series of abortive +honeymoons, separated by interludes of terribly hard and unfruitful +labour for me (more exhausting than any long sustained working effort +I ever made), throughout which, out of respect for my praiseworthy +resolutions as a would-be good husband, my exacerbated temper was +cloaked in a sort of waxy fixative, even as some men discipline their +moustaches. I see myself in these periods as a man acutely tired, +miserably conscious of the barren nature of his exhausting daily toil, +and wearing a horrible set smile of connubial amiability; the sort of +smile which, in time, produces a kind of facial cramp. + +My wife, poor little soul, was not, I think, burdened by any self-imposed +task touching the set of her lips. And it may be this was so +much the worse for her. In the absence of any recognised duty she knew +of no distraction save her visits to her mother, regarding which she +felt a certain furtiveness to be necessary, by reason of my ill-judged +show of impatience in this matter, and my refusal to open my own arms +to the woman who, for years, had made Fanny's life a burden to her. + +'Confound it!' I thought. 'My part was to release her from this +harridan's clutches, not to go round and mix tears and gin with the +woman.' + +But I was wrong. I should have gone much farther, or not near so far. +(How often that has been my fault!) Either I should have prevented +those visits, or sterilised them by taking part in them. + +By the time that a spell of the set smile and the barren labours had +brought me near to breaking point, Fanny would be frequently tearful +and desperately peevish from her boredom, and from poor health; for I +fancy she was in little better case than I as regards the penalties of +a faulty and inadequate dietary, combined with long confinement within +doors. These conditions would produce in me a day or two (and a +sleepless night or two) of black, dyspeptic melancholy, and quite +hopeless depression. Then, as like as not, I would try a long tramp, +probably in Epping Forest, and after that--another abortive honeymoon. +In other words, full of wise resolutions and determined hopefulness, I +would apply the fixative to my domestic circle smile and amiability, +and make an entirely fresh start, with a little jaunt of some kind as +a send off. + +I fancy Fanny's faith in these foredoomed attempts remained +permanently unsullied. I know she used to resolve to discontinue the +long gossipy afternoons with her mother in Howard Street--in some +mysterious way the mother had lain aside all her old pretensions as a +tyrannical autocrat, and they met now, I gathered, as friendly +gossips--and to become an ideal wife for a literary man. She would +even tell our landlady not to clean or tidy our rooms any more, since +she, Fanny, intended to do this in future. And she would do it--for a +week or so; just as I would keep up my sickening grin, and the attempt +to make myself believe that I really liked doing my work in public +libraries, reading-rooms, waiting-rooms, and other such inspiring +places. Not even on the first day of a new honeymoon could I force +myself to fancy I liked the attempt to work in our joint sitting-room. +That affected me like a neuralgia. + +The point, and perhaps the only point I can make in extenuation of my +admitted failure to conduct my married life to a successful issue, I +have made already; for one year I did, according to my poor lights, +strive consistently and hard for success. Throughout another year I +did strive as hardly, and almost equally consistently to make our +joint life tolerable for us both. More than that I cannot claim, and, +in the light of all that happened, I feel that this much is rather +pitifully little. + + +X + + +It may very well be that during the first years after my marriage some +of the chickens I had hatched out in the preceding years of slum life +and incessant scribbling came home to roost. In the case of my +reckless sins against hygiene and my digestion, I know they did. But +also, I fancy, as touching work, and its monetary reward; for my +earnings increased somewhat, while my work suffered deterioration, +both in quality and quantity. + +If it had not chanced to reach me in the black fit which preceded one +of my make-believe new honeymoons, I should doubtless have been a good +deal more elated than I was by the letter I received from Mr. Sylvanus +Creed, the well-known connoisseur and arbiter of literary taste, who +presided over the fortunes of the publishing house that bore his name. +This letter--written with distinction and a quill pen upon beautifully +embossed deckle-edged paper, which seemed to me to have a subtle +perfume about it--requested the pleasure of my company at luncheon +with the great Sylvanus; the place his favourite club--the Court, in +Piccadilly. + +He received me with beautiful urbanity, if a thought languidly. It was +clearly a point of honour with him to refer to nothing so prosaic as +any kind of work until he had plied me with the best which his +luxurious club had to offer; and I gladly record that our luncheon was +by far the most ambitious meal I had ever made, or even dreamed of, up +to that day. And then, over the delicate Havannahs and fragrant coffee +and liqueurs--the enterprise of youth was still mine in these matters, +and in those days I accepted any such delicacies as the gods sent my +way with never a thought of question, or of consequence--I was +informed, with truly regal complaisance, that a certain bundle of +manuscript short stories of mine (which by this time had been the +round of quite a number of publishers' readers without making any +perceptible progress towards germination and print) had been chosen +for the honour of inclusion in the new _Fin de siecle_ Library of +Fiction, which, as all the world knows--or knew, at all events, during +that season--represented the last word, both in literary excellence +and artistic publishing. + +I was perhaps less overpowered than I might, and no doubt ought to +have been, by reason of the fact that I had at least been shrewd +enough to know in advance that it was hardly for my bright eyes the +famous publisher was entertaining me. However, I assumed a decent +amount of ecstasy, and was genuinely glad of the prospect of seeing my +first book handsomely published. After a proper interval I ventured +upon a delicate inquiry as to terms; whereupon the deprecatory wave of +Sylvanus Creed's white and jewelled hand made me feel (or pretend to +feel) a low fellow for my pains. I gathered that on our return to the +sumptuously appointed studio from which my host directed the destinies +of his publishing house, one of his secretaries of state would submit +to me a specimen of the regulation agreement for the publication of +first books. + +That airy mention of 'first books' caused a chill presentiment to +pierce the ambrosial fumes by which I was surrounded. The transaction +was to bring me no particular profit, I thought. Well, the luncheon +had been superfine. The format of Sylvanus Creed's books was +indubitably pleasing to hand and eye. And, true enough, it was a +'first book.' Money, after all--and particularly after such a +luncheon ... + +But I will say that in subsequently signing the daintily embossed +agreement (subtly perfumed, I thought, like the letter paper) I was +blissfully ignorant of the fact that it also gave Mr. Sylvanus Creed +my second book, whatever that might prove to be, upon the same +exiguous terms. The fault was wholly mine, of course. There was the +agreement (in the most elegant sort of copper-plate script) quite open +for my perusal. I fancy, perhaps, the Court Club's liqueurs were even +more agreeably potent than its wines. I know it seemed absurdly +curmudgeonly that I should think of wading through the document, and +while Sylvanus's own fair hand held a pen waiting for me, too. And, +indeed, I do not in the least grudge that signature now. + +And thus, with every circumstance of artistic fitness and ease, I was +committed to authorship. The second floor back in Camden Town looked a +shade dingy after my publisher's sanctum; but I carried a couple of +gift copies of the _Fin de siecle_ books in my hand, and my own +effusions were to form the fifth volume of the series. With such news +I clearly was justified in bidding Sidney Heron take his dinner with +us that night. Fanny rather cooled about the great event, when its +monetary insignificance was made partially clear to her. But she +enjoyed the little dinner with Heron; and, as a matter of fact, we +were doing rather well in the monetary way just then, though hardly +well enough to enable me to rent a third room for use as study. + +I found that sovereigns had somehow shrunken and lost much of their +magic in Fanny's hands with the passage of time. At the time of our +marriage, I had been agreeably surprised to learn that Fanny was a +cleverer economist than I, with all my grim learning in South +Tottenham. The few pounds I was able to give her on the eve of our +marriage had been made to work miracles I thought. But lately it had +seemed a little different. Fanny had, of course, changed in many small +ways; and one result, as I gathered, was that our sovereigns had +become less powerful. Their purchasing power was notably reduced, it +seemed. Fortunately, I was earning more. But it was clear the increase +in my earnings would not as yet permit of any increase in our +expenditure upon rent. Sometimes in the Cimmerian intervals +immediately preceding one of our fresh starts, my reflections upon +such a point were very bitter. There was no sort of doubt that the +quality of my work was suffering seriously from lack of a private +workshop.... + +On the day my second book was published--the first, while favourably +reviewed, had not precisely taken the world by storm; its successor +was my first novel--I had said that I should not get back to our rooms +before about seven o'clock, in time for the evening meal. A dizzy +headache, combined with a series of interruptions in the public +reading-room where I had been at work, brought me to Camden Town +between four and five, determined to take a couple of hours' rest, to +sleep if possible on our bed. It happened that I met our landlady on +the steps of the house, and asked her casually if my wife had returned +yet. Fanny had said in the morning that she had promised to go and see +her mother that day. The landlady looked at me a little oddly, I +thought. Her reply was normal, and, characteristically enough, more +wordy than informing: + +'Oh, I couldn't sye, Mr. Fr'ydon; I reely couldn't sye. I know Mrs. +Fr'ydon went art early this mornin', because she 'appened to speak to +me in passin', an' she said she was goin' to see 'er mother, "Oh, are +yer?" I says. "An' I 'ope you'll find 'er well," I says.' + +I passed on indoors and upstairs, thinking dizzily about Cockney +dialect--I had the worst kind of dyspeptic headache--and feeling +rather glad my wife was away. 'An hour's sleep will set me right,' I +muttered to myself as I entered our tiny bedroom. + +But Fanny was lying on the bed, fully dressed, even to her hat, and +with muddy boots. She was maundering over to herself the silly words +of some inane song of the day. She was horribly flushed, and-- But let +me make an end of it. My wife was grossly and quite unmistakably +drunk, and the stuffy little room reeked of gin. + +As it happened I never had been drunk. It was not one of my +weaknesses. But if it had been, I dare say I should have been no whit +the less horrified and alarmed and disgusted by this lamentable +spectacle of my wife--stupid, maundering, helpless, and looking +like ... But I need not labour the point. + +In a flash I recalled a host of tiny incidents. It was extraordinary +how recollection of the series rattled through my aching brain like +bullets from a machine gun. + +'This has been going on for some time,' I thought. And then, 'I +suppose this is hereditary.' And then, 'This comes of the visits to +Howard Street.' And then, curiously, recollection of those wedding +night words of Heron's which had so touched me: 'Heaven bless you! You +are both good souls, and--after all, some are happy!' + +'Perhaps some are,' I thought bitterly. 'I wonder how much chance +there is for us!' + +In just the same way that I think the beginning of our married life +might have been more agreeable, less strained, if we had had +occasional quarrels, so I dare say at this critical juncture, when I +discovered that my wife had taken to drinking gin, my right cue would +have been that of open anger, or, at all events, of very serious +remonstrance. It is easy to be wise after the event. I did not seem to +be capable just then of talk or remonstrance. All I did actually say +was commonplace and unhelpful enough. I said as I remember very well: + +'Good God, Fanny! I never thought to see you in this state.' And +then--the futility of it--I added, 'You'd better take your hat and boots +off.' + +With that I walked into the sitting-room, closing the dividing door +after me, and subsided, utterly despondent, into the chair beside the +empty grate. A man could hardly have been more wretched; but after a +minute or two I could not help noticing, as something singular, the +fact that my sick, dizzy headache had disappeared. The pain had been +horridly severe, or I should hardly have noticed its cessation. But +now, with my spirits at their lowest and blackest, my head was clear +again; not by a gradual recovery, but in one minute. + + +XI + + +Fanny had spoken no word to me, and I wondered greatly at that. She +had only smiled and laughed in a foolish way. And a few minutes later +I knew by her breathing--even through the closed doors, so much was +unmistakable--that she slept. + +I may have sat there for an hour, nursing the bitterest kind of +reflections. Then I decided to go out, and found I had left my hat in +the bedroom. Very cautiously I opened one leaf of the folding doors, +tip-toed into the small room, and took my hat from the chair on which +it lay. My gaze fell for one instant across the recumbent figure of my +wife, and was withdrawn sharply. I went out with anger and revulsion +in my heart, and walked rather quickly for an hour, conscious of no +relief from bitterness, no softening of my feelings. + +Then I happened to pass a familiar restaurant, and told myself I would +have some dinner. 'She must go her own way,' I muttered savagely. + +I entered the place, found a seat, and consulted the bill of fare. A +greasily smiling Italian came to take my order. + +'Madame is not wiz you, sare?' the fellow said. + +We had not been there for a month, but he remembered; and, on the +instant, I recalled our last visit--the beginning of one of our fresh +starts. And this was the end of it. Well! + +Suddenly I found myself reaching for my hat. + +'No,' I said, 'madam is late. I will go and look for her.' And out I +went. In that moment I had seen pictures: Fanny, before our marriage, +on her knees at my hearth in the room in Howard Street; in her +dove-coloured frock on our marriage night, clinging to my arm when +she was fresh from the excitement of leaving Howard Street. There were +other scenes. What an immature and helpless child she was! And how +much help had I given her? After all, food and clothing and so forth, +freedom from tyranny--well, these were not everything. She needed more +intimate care and guidance. The responsibility was mine. + +In the end I went to a shop and bought the materials for a meal, even +as on an evening which seemed very long ago, when I had given her +supper in my bedroom. Only, on this occasion, with a sigh which +contained considerable self-reproach, I omitted Burgundy, or any +equivalent thereto. We had the wherewithal for brewing tea in our +rooms. And so, carrying a supper for us both, I returned to the +lodging. And there was Fanny on her knees before the hearth in the +sitting-room, just as she had been on that previous occasion. And now +she was crying. Her nerveless fingers held no brush. The hearth was +far from speckless, and the grate held only dead grey ashes, and some +scraps of torn paper--my own wasted manuscript. + +Fanny was weeping, weakly and quietly. She knew, then. She had not +forgotten that I had seen her. But her hair had been brushed. She wore +a different gown. She looked shrinkingly and fearfully up at me as I +came in. + +'You better, little woman?' I said as I began to put down my parcels. +I had tried hard to make the words sound careless and normal, +kindly and cheerful. But I thought as I heard them that a man with a +quinsy might have managed a better tone. + +In another moment she was clinging to me somehow, without having risen +to her feet, and sobbing out an incoherent expression of her penitence +and shame. I was tremendously moved. And, while seeking to console +her, my real sympathy for this sobbing child was shot through and +illumined by the most fatuous sort of optimism. + +'I've been making a tragedy out of a disagreeable mishap,' I told +myself. 'She is only a child who has made herself ill. The thing won't +happen again, one may be sure. This is a lesson she will never forget. +No one could possibly mistake the genuineness of all this.' By which I +meant her heaving shoulders, streaming eyes, and penitent +self-abasement. + +In the process of soothing her, of course, I made light of her +self-confessed baseness. I suppose I spent at least half an hour in +comforting her. Then we supped, with a hint of April gaiety towards +the end. I endeavoured to be humorous in a lover-like way. Fanny +dabbed her eyes, smiled, and choked, and even laughed a little. But +the vows, protestations, resolves for the future--these were all most +solemn and impressive. + +And they all held good, too,--for a week and a half. And then our +landlady gave me notice, because in the broad light of mid-afternoon +Fanny had stumbled over the front door-mat on entering the house, and +lain there, laughing and singing; she had refused to move, and had had +to be dragged upstairs for appearance's sake. + +The landlady must have occupied ten minutes, I think, in giving me +notice. Almost, I could have struck the poor soul before she was +through with it. When at length she drew breath, and allowed me to +escape, I thought her Cockney dialect the basest and vilest ever +evolved among the tongues of mankind. Yet the good woman was really +very civil, and rather kindly disposed towards me than otherwise, I +think. There was no good reason why I should have felt bitter towards +her. Rather, perhaps, I should have been apologetic. And it was clean +contrary to my nature and disposition, this savage bitterness. But one +of the curses of squalor is that it exacerbates the mildest temper, +corrodes and embitters every one it touches. + +On the third morning after our instalment in new lodgings--two almost +exactly similar rooms, a little farther away from Mrs. Pelly and +Howard Street, in a turning off the lower Hampstead Road--I received a +letter, forwarded on from our first lodging, from Arncliffe, the +editor to whom, some four years before this time, I had taken a letter +of introduction. At intervals Arncliffe had accepted and published +quite a number of articles from my pen, but we had not again met, +unless one counts the occasion upon which I followed him into an +expensive restaurant at luncheon time, on the off-chance of being +noticed by him. The letter ran thus: + +'Dear Mr. Freydon,--As you are probably aware, I am now in the chair +of the _Advocate_, and a pretty uneasy seat I find it, so far. It +occurs to me that we might be able to do something for each other. +Will you give me a call here between three and four one afternoon this +week, if you are not too busy.--Yours sincerely, Henry Arncliffe.' + +The letter gave me rather a thrill. Sylvanus Creed had published two +books of mine, and my work had recently appeared in several of the +leading journals. But the _Advocate_ was certainly one of the oldest +and most famous of London's daily newspapers--I vaguely recalled +having read somewhere that it had changed its proprietors during the +past week or so--and I had never before received a summons from the +editor of such a journal. Fanny had a headache and was cross that +morning; but I told her of the letter, and explained that it might +easily mean some increase in my earnings. + +'If he would commission me for a series of articles, we might afford +to take a room on the next floor for me to work in,' I said rather +selfishly perhaps. + +'Groceries seem to be dearer every week,' said Fanny, 'and Mrs. Heaps +charges sevenpence for every scuttle of coal. I never heard of such a +price. Mother never charges more than sixpence, no matter if coal goes +up ever so.' + +This touched a sore spot between us. It seemed Mrs. Pelly had two +rooms empty, and Fanny did not find it easy to forgive me for my +refusal to go and live in Howard Street. + +If Arncliffe found his editorial chair an uneasy seat, it was not the +chair's fault. A more dignified and withal more ingeniously contrived +and padded resting-place for mortal limbs I never saw. And the +editorial apartment, how spacious, silent, and admirably adapted, in +the dignity of its lines and furnishings, for the reception of Cabinet +Ministers, and the excogitation of thunderbolts for the chancelleries +of Europe! It was currently reported in Fleet Street that Lord +Beaconsfield had been particularly familiar with the interior of that +apartment. + +I found the great man in cheerful spirits, and looking fresher than +ordinary mortals, I suppose because his day had only just begun. From +him I learned how, some eight days previously, the _Advocate_ had been +purchased, lock, stock, and barrel (from the family whose members had +inherited possession of it), by Sir William Bartram, M.P., head of the +great engineering and contracting firm which bore his name. It seemed +Sir William had been advised by a very great statesman indeed to +secure the editorial services of Mr. Arncliffe; and he had managed to +do it in forty-eight hours by dint of the exercise of a certain amount +of political and social influence in various quarters, and by entering +into a contract which, for some years, at all events, would make +Arncliffe a tolerably rich man. + +A good deal was left to my imagination, of course. It was assumed, +very kindly, that I understood the relations existing between this +nobleman and the other, as touching Sir William's precise influence +and sphere in the world of politics. Naturally, when the Party Whip +heard so and so, he went to Mr. ----, and the result, of course, was +pressure from Lord ----, which settled the matter in five minutes. I +nodded very intelligently at intervals, to show my recognition of the +inevitableness of it all; and so an end was reached of that stage in +our conversation. + +In the slight pause which followed Arncliffe touched a spring +releasing the door of a cabinet apparently designed to hold State +Papers of the highest importance, and disclosed some beautiful boxes +of cigars and other creature comforts. It became clear to me, as I +thanked Arncliffe for the match he handed me, that he must have +forgotten the first impressions he had formed of me some years +earlier. Perhaps he had confused me in his mind with some other more +important and affluent person. And yet he did remember some of my +articles. His remarks proved that. I wondered if he could also +remember that they had reached him, some of them, from South +Tottenham. Probably not. And, if he did, his editorial omniscience +could hardly have given him knowledge of any of my slum garrets. On +the other hand, he clearly assumed that I was familiar with the life +of the House of Commons and the clubs of London, if not with that of +the other august and crimson-benched Chamber. + +'You know L----,' he said, casually mentioning a leader in literary +journalism so prominent that I could not but be familiar with his +reputation. + +'By name, of course,' I agreed. + +'Ah! To be sure. And T----, and R----, and, I think, J----; yes, I've +got 'em all. So we ought to make the _Advocate_ move things along, if +the most brilliant staff in London can accomplish it.' + +I nodded sympathetically, and presently gathered that over and above +all this the kindly and intimate relations subsisting between +Arncliffe and the principal occupants of the Treasury Bench (not to +mention a certain moiety of influence which might conceivably be +exercised by the new proprietor, Sir William) were such as to ensure +brilliant success and greatly increased prestige to the _Advocate_, +under the new regime. + +All this was very pleasant hearing, of course, and at suitable +intervals I offered congratulatory movements of the head and eyebrows, +with murmured ejaculations to similar effect. But, as touching myself +and my obscure problems (of which such an Olympian as Arncliffe could, +naturally, have no conception), it was all somewhat insubstantial and +remote; rather of the stuff of which dreams are compounded. And so, +watching my opportunity, I presently ventured a tentative inquiry as +to the direction in which I might hope to justify the terms of Mr. +Arncliffe's letter, and be of any service. + +'Oh! Well, of course, that's for you to say,' said the editor, with a +suggestion of having been suddenly curbed in full career. 'I may be +quite wrong in supposing such things would have any interest for you. +But I--I have followed--er--your work, you know; followed your work +and, in fact, it struck me you might like to join us here, you know. +It is a staff worth joining, I think, and-- But, of course, you are the +best judge of your own affairs.' + +'It's extremely kind of you, extremely kind.' + +'Not at all. I think you could do good work for the _Advocate_.' + +'There's nothing I'd like better. But-- Do I understand that you mean +me to join your permanent staff, and come and work here in the +building every day?' + +'Why, yes; yes, to be sure.' + +'I see.' + +It meant an end to my free-lancing then. But, after all, what had this +free-lancing meant, since my marriage? It would provide a place to +work in. The hours might not be excessive. The pay ... Fanny was for +ever talking of the increase in prices. My earnings, though on the up +grade, had seemed very insufficient of late. There certainly was +nothing to make me cling to our home as a place in which to carry on +my work. + +'And in the matter of salary?' I said, as who should say that in such +a business it is well to glance at even the most trivial of details. + +'Ah!' replied Arncliffe. 'Yes; that's a point now, isn't it? You see +the fact is I had a bit of a scene with the business side here +yesterday. We are new to each other as yet, you know--the manager and +myself. But he's a very decent fellow, and I shall soon have him +properly in hand, I'm sure of that. Meantime, of course, I have been +rather going it, you know, from his point of view. You can't get +L----, and T----, and R----, for tuppence-ha'penny, you know.' + +'No, indeed, that's true,' said I, with the air of one who had tried +this game and proved its impossibility. + +'No. And so, in the matter of pay I must go gently, you know, at +first. I must ca' canny for a while. I shall be able to make things +all right a little later on, you know, but just to begin with I'm +afraid I couldn't manage more than three or four hundred a year.' + +I did not think it necessary to mention that my London record so far +was little more than half the lower sum mentioned. On the contrary, I +pinched my chin and said: 'Oh!' rather blankly, and without really +knowing what I said, or why I said it. I wanted to think, as a matter +of fact. But what I said was well enough. + +'H'm! Yes, I see what you mean. It is poor, I know,' said Arncliffe, +in his quick, burbling way. 'But, as I say, I should hope to improve +it a little later on, you know. And, meantime, you may probably +continue to earn something outside, you know; so that two or three +hundred--say three hundred--but of course you're the best judge.' + +Perhaps I was. I wonder! At all events, my mind was made up. The life +of the last few months had made it clear that I needed more money. + +'Oh, I'll be very glad,' I said. 'By the way, you did mention at first +three or four, not two or three hundred.' + +'Did I? Ah! Well, say three to begin with.' + +I gathered it was rather difficult for the real Olympian to think at +all in figures so absurdly low. So we let it go at that, and, this +being a Friday, I agreed to start work at the office on the following +Monday. + +'I shall be able to get a room here, shall I not?' I asked with some +anxiety. + +'A room? Oh, surely, surely. Yes, yes, that's all right. Ask for me. +Come and see me before doing anything, and I'll see to it. So glad +we've fixed it. Good-bye!' + +And so, very affably, I was bowed out of my free-lance life, the which +I had entered by way of the north-eastern slums. + + +XII + + +My first Monday in the _Advocate_ office was not a pleasant day. +Arriving there about ten o'clock in the morning, I learned that the +editor was never expected before three in the afternoon. I knew no +other person in the building, and so no place was open to me except +the waiting-room. However, I whiled away the morning in that apartment +by making a pretty thorough study of a file of the _Advocate_, in the +course of which I took notes and made memoranda of suggestions which +would have kept an editor busy for a week or two had he acted upon one +half of them. + +The time thus spent was far from wasted, since it gave me more of an +insight into current politics (as reflected in the pages of this +particular organ) than I had obtained during my whole life in England +up till then, and it gave me a thorough grasp of the policy of the +_Advocate_. After a somewhat Barmecidal feast in a Fleet Street +eating-house (domestic expenditure left me very short of funds at this +time), I returned to my post and wrote a political leading article +which I ventured to think at least the equal in persuasive force and +profundity of anything I had read that morning. At three o'clock +precisely, my name, written on a slip of paper, was placed on the +editorial table. There were then nine other people in the waiting-room. +At four I began a second leading article, which was finished at +half-past five. At a quarter to six the manuscript of both effusions +was sent in to the editor. At a quarter to seven inquiry elicited the +information that the editor had left the building almost an hour +since, with Sir William Bartram, after a crowded afternoon which had +brought disappointment to many beside myself who had wished to see +him. + +Unused as I was now to salary earning I felt uneasy. It seemed to me +rather dreadful that any institution should be mulcted to the extent +of a guinea in the day, by way of payment to a man who spent that day +in a waiting-room. I looked anxiously for my leading articles next +morning. But, no; the editorial space was occupied by other (much less +edifying) contributions upon topics which had not occurred to me. +During that morning I began to fancy that the very bell-boys were +suspicious, and might be contemplating the desirability of laying a +complaint against me for not earning my princely salary. + +However, at a few minutes after three o'clock, I was escorted by the +head messenger--who had rather the air of a seneschal or chamberlain--to +the editorial apartment, where I found Arncliffe giving audience to +his news editor, Mr. Pink, and one of his leader-writers, a very old +_Advocate_ identity, Mr. Samuel Harbottle---a white-whiskered and +rubicund gentleman, who was entitled to use most of the letters of the +alphabet after his name should he so choose. I was presented to both +these gentlemen, and in a few minutes they took their departure. + +'Poor old Harbottle!' said Arncliffe, when the door had closed behind +the leader-writer. 'An able man, mind you, in his prehistoric way; +but-- Well, he can hardly expect to live our pace, you know. He has +had a very fair innings. Still, we must move gradually. The change has +to be made, but we don't want to upset these patriarchs more than is +absolutely necessary. Have a cigar? Sure? Well, I dare say you're +right. I'll have a cigarette. Sorry I couldn't see you yesterday. Now +I'll tell you what I want you to tackle for me, first of all: +Correspondence.' + +For a moment I had a vision of almost forgotten days in Sussex Street, +Sydney: 'Dear Mr. Gubbins,--With regard to your last consignment of +butter,' etc. + +'The correspondence of this paper has been disgracefully neglected. +And, mind you, that's a serious mistake. Nothing people like better +than seeing their names in the paper. They make their relatives read +it, and for each time you print their rubbish, they'll be content to +scan your every column for a fortnight. I mean to do it properly. +We'll give two or three columns a day to our Letters to the Editor. +But, the point is, they must be handled intelligently, both with +regard to which letters should be used and which should not; and also +in the matter of condensation. We can't let 'em ramble indefinitely, +or they'd fill the paper. Now that's what I want you to tackle for me +for a start. I can't possibly get time to wade through them myself; +but if you once get the thing licked into proper shape, it will make a +good permanent feature, and--er--you will gradually drop into other +things, you know.' + +'Yes. I've made notes of a few suggestions,' I began. + +'Quite so. That's what I want. That's where I hope we shall be really +successful. There's no good in having a brilliant editorial staff if +one doesn't get suggestions from them, and act on 'em.' + +I drew some memoranda from my pocket. But the editor swept on. + +'I'm a thorough believer in suggestions. The moment I have got things +running a little more smoothly, I shall have a round table conference +every afternoon to deal with suggestions for the day. Meantime, I'll +tell my secretary to have all letters for publication passed straight +on to you, so that you can sift and prepare a correspondence feature +every day. They may want helping out a bit occasionally, of course. A +friendly lead, you know, from "An Old Reader," or "Paterfamilias," to +keep 'em to their muttons. You'll see.' + +'And where can I work?' I asked. + +'Ah, to be sure. Yes. You want a room. Come with me now. I'll +introduce you to Hutchens, the manager, and he'll fix you up.' + +Mr. Hutchens proved to be a miracle of correctness. I never knew much +of Lombard Street, Cornhill, Threadneedle Street, and their purlieus; +but I felt instinctively that Mr. Hutchens, in his dress, tone, and +general deportment, had attained as closely as mortal might to the +highest city standards of what a leading city man should be. I never +saw a speck of dust on his immaculately shining boots or hat. His +manner would have been almost priceless, I should suppose, in the +board room of a bank. His close-clipped whiskers--resembling some +costly fur--his large, perfectly white hands and frozen facial +expression were alike eloquent of massive dividends, of balance sheets +of sacred propriety, of gravely cordial votes of thanks to noble +chairmen, of gilt-edged security and success. + +There was something, too, of the headmaster in the way in which he +shook hands with me, and in the automatic geniality of the smile with +which he favoured Arncliffe. (In this connection, of course, Arncliffe +was a parent, and I a future incumbent of the swishing block.) + +'Another star in our costly galaxy,' he said; and, having reduced me +by one glance to the proportions of a performing flea, rather poorly +trained, he gave his attention indulgently to the editor. + +'With regard to that question of the extra twenty minutes for the last +forme,' he began. + +'Yes, I know,' said Arncliffe. 'Drop in and see me about it later, +will you?' (I marvelled at his temerity. As soon would I have thought +of inviting the Lord Mayor to forsake his Mansion House and turtles to +'drop in and see me later!') 'Meantime, I want you to find a home for +Freydon, will you? He's going to tackle the--a new feature, you know, +and must have a room.' + +'There's not a vacant room in the building, Mr. Arncliffe--hardly a +chair, I should suppose. We now have a staff, you know, which----' + +'Yes, I know, I know; there's got to be a good deal of sifting, but we +must go gently. We don't want to set Fleet Street humming. Look here! +What about old Harbottle? He has a room, hasn't he?' + +'Mr. Harbottle has had his room here, Mr. Arncliffe, for just upon +twenty-seven years.' + +'Yes; I thought so. Where is it?' + +'Mr. Harbottle's room is immediately overhead.' + +'Let's have a look at it. Do you mind? Can you spare a minute?' + +'Oh, I am quite at your service, of course, Mr. Arncliffe.' + +A minion from the messenger's office walked processionally before us +bearing a key, and presently we were in Mr. Harbottle's sanctuary. Two +well-worn saddle-bag chairs stood before the hearth, and between them +a chastely designed little table. On the rug was a pair of roomy +slippers. In a glass-fronted cabinet one saw decanters and tumblers. +Against one wall stood a large and comfortable couch. The writing-table +was supplied with virgin blotting-paper, new pens, works of +reference, ash-tray, matches, and the like; and over the mantel hung a +full-length portrait of Lord Beaconsfield. There was also an +ivory-handled copper kettle, and a patent coffee-making apparatus. + +'H'm! The old boy makes himself comfortable,' said Arncliffe. 'He has +written one short leader note since--since the change. And where does +the other old gentleman work, Hutchens? The one with gout, you know. +What's his name? The very old chap, I mean.' + +'Dr. Powell? Dr. Powell's room is the next one to this.' + +A key was brought to us, and we inspected another very similar +apartment, which had a green baize-covered leg-rest on its hearth-rug. + +'H'm! Dr. Powell is not quite so busy, of course. We haven't had a +line from him yet. Well, Hutchens, you might have Dr. Powell's things +put in Mr. Harbottle's room at once, will you? or the other way about, +you know. It doesn't matter which. Then Freydon here can have one of +these rooms. He will want to start in at once.' + +'As you like, of course, Mr. Arncliffe,' said the manager, with +portentous suavity. 'These gentlemen are of your staff, not mine. But, +really! Well, it is for you to say, but I greatly fear that one or +both of these gentlemen will be quite likely to resign if we treat +them in so very summary a fashion.' + +'No! Do you really think that?' asked Arncliffe, so earnestly that I +felt my chance of having a room to myself was irretrievably lost. + +'I do indeed, Mr. Arncliffe. You see, these gentlemen have been +accustomed for very many years to--well, to a considerable amount of +deference, and----' + +'Well, then, in that case, I'll tell you what, Hutchens; put 'em both +in the other old gentleman's room upstairs, will you? Mr. Thingummy's, +you know, who specialises on Egyptology. I know he's got a nice room, +because he insisted on my drinking a glass of port there the other +night. Port always upsets me. Put 'em both in there, will you? Then +we'll give one of these rooms to L----, and you might let Freydon here +start work in the other right away, will you? By Jove! If you're only +right, you know, that will simplify matters immensely. An excellent +idea of yours, Hutchens. I'm no end obliged to you.' + +'But, Mr. Arncliffe, I really----' + +'Right you are! I'll see you later about that last forme question. +Look in in about an hour, will you? I must bolt now--half a dozen +people waiting. You'll get the letters from my secretary, Freydon, +won't you? Come and see me whenever you've got any suggestions. Always +ready for suggestions, any time!' + +His last words reached us faintly from the staircase. + +'Tut, tut!' said Mr. Hutchens. 'I am afraid these violent upheavals +will make for a good deal of trouble; a good deal of trouble. +However!' And then he glared formidably upon me, as who should say: +'At least, _you_ cannot give me any orders. Let me see you open your +mouth, you confounded newcomer, and I will smite you to the earth with +a managerial thunderbolt!' + +'Well,' said I cheerfully, 'I'd better go and fetch those letters. And +which of these rooms would you prefer me to take?' + +'I would prefer, sir, that you took neither of them. But as Dr. +Powell's gout is very bad, and he is therefore not likely to be here +this week, you had better occupy this room--for the present.' + +The emphasis he laid on these last words seemed meant to convey to me +a sense of the extreme precariousness of my tenure of any room in that +building, if not of existence in the same city. + +'I trust you understand that this choice of rooms is no affair of +mine,' I said. + +I thought his frozen expression showed a hint of softening at this, +but he only said as he swept processionally away: + +'I will give the requisite instructions.' + + +XIII + + +For some weeks I was rather interested by the manipulation of that +correspondence. Treated in a romantic spirit, the work was not unlike +novel or play-writing; and, on paper, I established interesting +relations with quite a number of rural clergymen, country squires, +London clubmen, a don or two, and some lady correspondents. + +I availed myself generously of the hint about giving an occasional +lead, and in starting new topics of discussion entered with zest into +the task of creating and upholding imaginary partisans with one hand, +whilst with the other hand bringing forth caustic opponents to vilify +and belittle them. As a fact, I believe I made its correspondence the +most amusing and interesting feature in the paper. But, as his way +was, Arncliffe lost his enthusiasm for it after a time, and, +delegating the care of its remains to some underling, spurred me on to +fresh fields of journalistic enterprise. + +It was not easy for me to develop quite the same interest in these +later undertakings, whatever their intrinsic qualities, for the reason +that my domestic circumstances were becoming steadily more and more of +a preoccupation and an anxiety. It had not taken very long for me to +learn that, in my case at all events, the fact of one's income being +doubled does not necessarily mean that one's life is made smooth and +easy upon its domestic side. By virtue of my increased earnings we had +moved, after my first month as a salaried man, to rather better rooms; +but there seemed no point in having more than two of them, since I now +had a room of my own at the _Advocate_ office, _vice_ poor Dr. Powell +and his leg-rest, now no longer to be met with in that building. + +As time went on many unpleasant things became evident, among them the +conclusion that ours, Fanny's and mine, was to be a nomadic sort of +existence, though it was apparently never to fall to me to give notice +of an intended change of residence. The notice invariably came from +our landladies. And the better the lodging, the briefer our stay in +it, because our notice came the sooner. In view of this it was, more +than for any monetary reason--though, as a fact, it did seem to me +that I was rather more short of money now than in my poorer days--that +we took to living in shabby quarters, and in the frowzier types of +apartment houses, where few questions are asked, and no particular +etiquette is observed.... + +So I set these things down as though looking back across the years +upon the affairs of some unfortunate stranger on the world's far side. +But, Heaven knows, this is not because I have forgotten, or shall ever +forget, any of the squalid misery, the crushing, all-befouling +humiliation and wretchedness of those years. Just as one part of the +period burnt its mark into me for ever by means of its effects upon my +bodily health, just as surely as it burned its way through my poor +wife's constitution; so indelibly did every phase of it imprint itself +upon my brain, and permanently colour my outlook upon life. + +Men, and even women, who have never come into personal contact with +the pestilence that infected my married life, are able to speak +lightly enough of it. + +'Bit too fond of his glass, I'm told!' + +'His wife is a bit peculiar, you know. Yes, he has to keep the +decanters under lock and key, I believe.' + +Remarks of that sort, often semi-jocular, are common enough. The +pastry-cooks and the grocers know a lot about the feminine side of +this tragedy, at which so many folk smile. But those who, from +personal experience, know the thing, would more likely smile in the +face of Death himself, or joke about leprosy and famine. + +I had seen something of the working of the curse among London's very +poor people. Now, I learned much more than I had ever known. At first +I thought it terrible when, once in a month or so, Fanny became +helpless and incapable from drinking gin. I came eventually to know +what it meant to see ground for thankfulness, if not for hope, in a +period of forty-eight consecutive hours of sobriety for my wife. + +The practical difficulties in these cases are very great for people as +comparatively poor as we were. They are intolerably acute in the +households of workmen earning from one to two pounds a week. In such +families the presence of children--and there generally are children--is +an added horror, which sometimes leads to the most gruesome kind of +murder; murder for which some poor, unhinged, broken-hearted devil of +a man is hanged, and so at last flung out of his misery. + +I never gave Fanny any money now if I could possibly avoid it. +Accordingly, I discovered one day, when I had occasion to look for my +dress clothes, that, having sold practically every garment of her own, +my wife had cleared out the major portion of my small wardrobe. + +But a far worse thing happened shortly afterwards, when my wife pawned +some plated oddments belonging to our landlady. This episode kept me +on the rack for a full week. Replacing the stolen articles was, +fortunately, not difficult; but the landlady was. She was bent upon +prosecution, and our escape was an excruciatingly narrow one. I had a +four days' 'holiday' over this episode, during which my editor was +allowed to picture me in cheerful recuperation up-river--one of a +merry boating party. + +After this I made inquiries about trained nurses, and gathered that +they were quite beyond my means; not alone in the matter of the scale +of remuneration they required, but, even more markedly, in the scale +of household comfort which their employment necessitated. I talked the +matter over very seriously with Fanny, and begged her to try the +effect of three months in a curative institution of which I had +obtained particulars. At first she was very bitter and angry in her +refusal to discuss this. Then she wept, sobbed, and became hysterical +in imploring me never to think of such a thing for her. But the +extremely difficult and harrowing escape from police court proceedings +had impressed me very deeply. + +As soon as we could get together the bare necessities by way of +furnishings, I insisted on our moving into unfurnished rooms in which +we could cater for ourselves. But the result was not merely that there +was never a meal prepared for me, but also that Fanny never had a +proper meal. I engaged servants. They either gave notice after a week, +or worse, much worse, my wife made boon companions of them. We moved +again, this time into unfurnished rooms in a house whose landlady +undertook to serve meals to us at stated hours. But the house was too +respectable for us, and in a month we were given notice. + +No, it was not easy to develop any very warm interest in Mr. +Arncliffe's projects for the stimulation of the _Advocate's_ +circulation. But I occupied Dr. Powell's old room during most days, +and did my best; and, rather to my surprise, when I quite casually +said I was not able to afford some luxury or another--lawn tennis, I +believe it was, recommended by my chief as a remedy for my fagged and +unhealthy appearance--I was given an increase of salary to the extent +of an additional fifty pounds a year. I expressed my thanks, and +Arncliffe said: + +'Not at all, not at all. I'm only too glad. Your work's first rate, +and I much appreciate your suggestions. I don't want you to work less; +but, in all seriousness, my dear fellow, you should take it easier. Do +just as much work, but don't worry so much about it. Carry your +whatsaname more lightly, you know. Believe me, that's the thing.' + +I agreed of course, and went home to give Fanny the news of the +increased salary. I found her helpless and comatose on the hearth-rug. + +I had talked to doctors, and gleaned little or nothing therefrom. Now +I tried a lawyer, with a view to finding out the legal aspect of my +position. Was it possible to oblige my wife to enter a curative +institution against her will? Certainly not, save by a magistrate's +order, and as the result of repeated appearances in the dock at police +courts. + +The lawyer told me that our 'man-made' laws were pretty hard upon +husbands in such cases as mine. They offered no relief or assistance +whatever, he said; though in the case of a persistently drunken +husband, the law was fortunately able to do a good deal for the wife. +'But nothing at all when it's the other way round,' he added; 'a fact +which leads to much misery, and not a little crime, among the poorer +classes. I'm very sorry for you,' he added; 'but to be frank, I must +say that the law will not help you one atom; neither will it offer you +any kind of redress if your wife sells up your home once a week. +Neither may you legally put her out from your home because of that. +Under our law a wife may claim and hold her husband's company until +she drives him into the bankruptcy court, or the lunatic asylum--or +his grave. It is worse than senseless, but it is the law; and if your +business prevents you keeping watch and ward over your wife yourself, +the only course is to employ some relative, or a professed caretaker, +to do it for you. The law shows a little more common sense where the +case is the other way round. A wife can always get a separation order +to relieve her of the presence of a persistently drunken husband; and, +with it, an order for her maintenance, which he must obey or go to +prison.' + +So I did not get very much for my six-and-eightpence, beyond an +explicit confirmation of the impression already pretty firmly rooted +in my mind, that the most burdensome portion of my particular load in +life was something which nobody could help me to carry. + +By this time Fanny had lost the sense of shame and humiliation which +had characterised all her early recoveries, and informed all her good +resolutions and frantic promises of amendment. She made no resolutions +now, and in place of shame, poor soul, was conscious only of the +physical penalties which her excesses brought in their train. These +made her very sullen, and, at the same time, very irritable. There +were times, as I well knew, when she had no other means of obtaining +drink, but yet did obtain it, from that misguided woman--her mother, +whose craving she inherited, without a tithe of the brute strength +which apparently enabled the older woman to defy all consequences. + +I do not think it necessary to set down here precisely the miserable +ways in which I saw her habits gradually sap all self-restraint and +womanly decency from my wife. The process was gradual, pitilessly +inexorable as the growth of a malignant tumour, and a ghastly and +humiliating thing to witness. In the case of a woman, my impression is +that alcoholism reacts even more directly upon character, and the +mental and nervous system, than it does in men. Their fall is more +complete. At least, for a man it is more horrible to witness than any +degradation of another man. + + +XIV + + +In these days it was my habit each evening to make my way as directly +as might be from the _Advocate_ office to our home of the moment. +There was, of course, always a certain measure of uncertainty in my +mind as to what might await me in our rooms; and there were many +occasions when my presence there as early as possible was highly +desirable. It was my dismal task upon more than two or three occasions +to visit police stations, and enter into bail to save my wife from +spending a night in the cells. + +Naturally, in view of all these circumstances, I remained as much a +hermit as though living in Livorno Bay, so far as the social life of +my colleagues and of London generally was concerned. During all this +time social intercourse was for me confined to Fanny (who became +steadily less social in her habits and inclinations) and to occasional +meetings with Sidney Heron. Once and again a man at the office would +ask me to dine with him (regarding me as a bachelor, of course), and +always I felt bound to plead a prior engagement. One night, when Fanny +had gone early to bed, feeling wretchedly ill, and sullenly angry +because I would have no liquor of any sort on the premises, not even +the lager beer which it had been my own habit for some time past to +drink with meals, Heron sat with me in our living-room, smoking and +staring into the fire. It was late, and something had moved Heron to +stir me into giving him the outline of my early life and Australian +experiences. + +'Yes, you're a queer bird,' he opined, after a long silence. 'And your +life confirms my old conviction that, broadly speaking, there are only +two kinds of human beings: those who prey--with an "e," and rarely +with an "a"--and those who are preyed upon: parasites and their hosts. +There are doubtless subdivisions in infinite variety; but I have yet +to meet the man or woman who, in essence, is not parasite or host, the +preyer or the preyed upon.' + +'And I----' + +'Oh, clearly, and all along the line, you're the host. Mind, I waste +no great sympathy upon you. It is quite an open point which class is +the less deserving or the better off. But in your case it is, perhaps, +rather a pity, because upon the whole I doubt if your fibre is tough +enough to sustain the part. On the other hand, you haven't half +enough--well--suction for a successful parasite; and those between are +apt to get ground up rather small. My advice to you-- But, Lord, is +there any greater folly in all this foolish world than the giving of +advice?' + +'Never mind. Let's have it.' + +'No, I'll not give advice. But I will state what I believe to be a +fact; and that is that you would be the better for it if you were +sedulously to cultivate a self-regarding policy of _laissez-faire_. It +may be as rotten as you please as a national policy. Our own beloved +countrymen are even now, I think, preparing for the world a most +convincing demonstration of that. But for certain individuals--you +among 'em--it has many points, and, pursued with discretion, is likely +to prove highly beneficial.' + +'Ah! The let-be policy?' + +Heron nodded. 'Of all creeds,' he said, 'perhaps the one that calls +for the most rigid self-control--for a certain type of man, the type +that most needs its use.' + +I had lowered my voice involuntarily, though I knew that Fanny had +long since been sleeping heavily. 'Do you realise what it would mean +in my particular case, on the domestic side?' I asked. + +'Well, yes; I think so.' + +'Hardly, my friend. It would mean relinquishing the care of my wife to +the police.' There were no secrets between us in this matter. + +'Yes, something rather like that, I suppose,' said Heron. 'And don't +you think upon the whole they may be rather better equipped for the +task?' + +'My dear Heron!' + +'Oh, of course, that tone's unanswerable. But lay aside the +sentimental aspect, and consider the practical logic of it. You might +as well see where you really stand, you know. It won't affect your +actions, really. You belong to the wrong division of the race. But +what are you doing to remedy your wife's case?' + +I admitted I was doing nothing. I had tried in many directions, +including the clandestine administration of costly specifics, which +had merely seemed to rob poor Fanny of all appetite for food, without +in any way affecting the lamentable craving which wrecked her life. + +'Precisely,' resumed Heron. 'You are doing nothing to remedy it, +because there is nothing you are in a position to do. You are merely +"standing by," as sailors say, from sentimental motives. It is +_laissez-faire_, of a sort; only, it's an infernally painful and +wearing sort for you. It reduces your life to something like her own, +without, so far as I can see, benefiting her in the least. I think the +police could do as well. In fact, in your place, I should clear out +altogether, and give Mrs. Pelly a show. But, failing that, I would at +least wash my hands, so to say. I would refuse the situation any +predominant place in my mind, join a club and use it, and-- O Lord! +what is the use of talking of absolutely hopeless things? I don't know +that I'd do anything of the sort, and I do know very well that you +won't.' + +There fell another silence between us, which lasted several minutes. +And then Heron rose to his feet, knocked the ashes out of his pipe, +and said he must be going. I walked down the road with him, and paused +at its corner, where he would pick up an omnibus. The moon emerged +from behind a cloud, touching with a delicate sepia some fleecy edge +of cumuli. + +'Has it ever occurred to you, my innocent, that there is anything in +England beyond the metropolitan radius?' asked Heron suddenly. +'Honest, now; have you ever been ten miles from Charing Cross since +you landed from that blessed ship?' + +'Well, it does seem queer, now you mention it; but I don't believe I +have-- Except to Epping Forest, you know. I'm not sure how far that +is; but I used often to go there at one time, not lately, but----' + +'Before you mortgaged your soul to the _Advocate_, eh? Though I +suppose the more serious mortgage was the one before that. Look here! +Bring your wife on Saturday, and meet me at Victoria at ten o'clock. +We'll go and have a look at Leith Hill. A tramp will do you both good. +Will you come?' + +By doing a certain amount of work there on Sunday, I could always +absent myself from office on a Saturday. So I agreed to go. On the +Friday Fanny seemed unusually calm and well. I was quite excited over +the prospect of our little jaunt, and Fanny herself appeared to think +cheerfully and kindly of it. In the lodging we occupied at that time I +had a tiny bedroom of my own. I woke very early on the Saturday +morning, but when I found it was barely five o'clock turned over for +another doze. When next I woke it was to find, greatly to my +annoyance, that the hour was half-past eight; and there were several +little things I wanted to have done before starting for Victoria. I +hurried into our sitting-room before dressing, meaning to rouse Fanny, +whose room opened from it. But she was not in her bedroom, and +returning to the other room I found a note on the table. + +'I am not feeling well,' the note said, 'and cannot come with you to-day. +So I shall spend the day with mother, and be back here about tea-time.' + +For a moment I thought of hurrying round to Mrs. Pelly's, and seeing +if I could prevail on Fanny to change her mind. But I hated going to +that house, and, of late, I had had some experience of the futility of +trying to influence Fanny in any way during these sullen morning +hours, when she was very often possessed by a sort of lethargy, any +interference with which provoked only excessive irritation. + +It was most disappointing. But-- 'Very well, then,' I muttered to +myself, 'she must stay with her mother. I can't leave Heron waiting at +Victoria.' + +So I dressed and proceeded direct to the station, relying upon having +a few minutes to spare there during which to break my fast in the +refreshment-room. + +Heron nodded rather grimly over my explanation of Fanny's absence, and +we were both pretty silent during the journey to Dorking. But once out +in the open, and tramping along a country road, we breathed deeper of +an air clean enough to dispel town-bred languors. I felt my spirits +rise, and we began to talk. The day was admirable, beginning with +light mists, and ripening, by the time we began our tramp, into that +mellow splendour which October does at times vouchsafe, especially in +the gloriously wooded country which lies about Leith Hill. + +The foliage, the occasional scent of burning wood--always a talisman +for one who has slept in the open--glimpses of new-fallowed fields of +an exquisite rose-madder hue, bracken and heather underfoot, and +overhead blue sky sweetly diversified by snowy piles of cloud--these +and a thousand other natural delights combined to enlarge one's heart, +ease one's mind, and arouse one's dormant instinct to live, to laugh, +and to enjoy. Worries rolled back from me. I responded jovially to +Heron's grim quips, and felt more heartily alive than I had felt for +years. + +Having walked swingingly for four or five hours we sat down in a +pleasant inn to a nondescript meal, at something like the +eighteenth-century dining hour; consuming large quantities of cold boiled +beef, salad, cheese, home-baked bread, and brown ale. (I had learned now +to drink beer, on such occasions as this, at all events; and did it with +a childish sense of holiday 'swagger.' Its associations with rural +life pleased me. But in the town I was annoyed to find that even half +a glass of it was apt to make my head ache villainously.) We sat and +smoked, talking lazily in the twilight; missed one train, and walked +leisurely to the next station to catch a later one. + +The approach to London rather chilled and saddened me by the sharp +demand it seemed to make for the laying aside of calm reflection or +cheerful conversation, and the taking up of stern realities, practical +considerations--the hard, concrete facts of daily life. The outlines +of the huddled houses, the moving lights of thronged streets, the +Town-- It seemed to grip me by the shoulder. + +'Come! Wake up from your fancies. Been laughing, joking, chatting, +drawing deep breaths, have you? Ah, well, here am I. You know me. Hear +the ring of the hurrying horses' feet on my hard ways? See the anxious +ferret faces of my workers? I am Reality. I am your master, and the +world's master. You may escape me for a day, and dream you are a free +man in the open. Grrrr!--' The train jars to a standstill. 'That may +be well enough for a dream; but I am Reality. Come! There's no time +here for reflection. Pick up your load. Get on; get on; or I'll smash +you down in my gutters, where my human wastage lies!' + +That is how cities have always spoken to me as I have entered them +from the country. And yet--and yet, most of my life has been spent +within their confines. Long imprisonment makes men fear liberty, they +say. But how could a man fear the kindly country and its liberty for +reflection? And, attaining to it, how could he possibly desire return +to the noisy, crowded cells of the city? Impossible, surely, unless of +course the city offered him a living, his life; and the country--calm +and beautiful--refused it. And that perhaps is rather often the +position, for your sedentary man, at all events; your modern, who +cannot dig and is ashamed to beg--a numerous and ever increasing body. + +Big Ben struck the hour of eight as we trundled past into Whitehall on +the top of an omnibus. I thought of Fanny with some self-reproach. She +would have reached the lodgings by about five, and our evening meal +hour was seven. I hoped she had not waited without her meal. I left +Heron on the 'bus, for he had farther than I to go, and hurried along +to No. 46 Kent Street--the dingy house in which we had been living now +for a month or more. + +Fanny was not there, and, to my surprise, the landlady told me she had +not been in all day, save for five minutes in the early afternoon, +after which she went out carrying a parcel. I went to my bedroom for +an overcoat, as the night was chilly. I possessed two of these +garments at the time--one rather heavy and warm, the other a light +coat. Both were missing from their accustomed pegs. + +'Tcha! Now what does this mean?' I growled to myself; knowing quite +well what it meant. 'And I take holidays in the country! I might have +known better.' + +And with that--all the brightness of the day forgotten now--I hurried +out, bound for Howard Street and Mrs. Pelly's house. + +But Mrs. Pelly had no idea as to her daughter's whereabouts. It seemed +Fanny had left her before three o'clock, intending to go home. + +Then began a search of the kind which had become only too familiar +with me of late. I suppose I must have entered upon scores of such +dismal quests since my marriage. First, I visited some twenty or +thirty different 'gin-mills.' (In one of them I stayed a few minutes +to eat a piece of bread and cheese.) Then I went to two police +stations, at the two opposite ends of that locality. Finally, I +tramped back to Kent Street, thinking to find Fanny there, and +picturing in advance the condition in which I should find her. The +most I ventured to hope was that she had been able to reach her room +without assistance. But she had not been there at all. + +I went out again into the street, somewhat at a loss. It was now past +ten o'clock. After some hesitation I caught a passing omnibus and +journeyed back towards Howard Street, near which stood a third police +station, which I had not before visited. + +'Wait there a minute, will you?' said the officer to whom my inquiry +here was addressed. A moment later I heard his voice from an adjacent +corridor; 'Has the doctor gone?' it asked. I did not hear the answer. +But a minute or two later a tall man in a frock coat entered the room +and walked up to me. I could see the top of a stethoscope protruding +from one of his inner breast-coat pockets. + +'Name of Freydon?' he said tersely. + +'Yes.' + +'Ah! Will you step this way, please, to my room?' + +And, as we passed into an inner room, he wheeled upon me with a look +of grave sympathy in his eyes. 'I have serious news for you, Mr. +Freydon; if--if it is your wife who is here.' + +Then I knew. Something in the doctor's grave eyes and meaning voice +told me. It was not really necessary for me to ask. I knew quite +certainly, and had no wish, no intention to say anything. My +subconscious self apparently was bent upon explicitness. For, next +moment, I heard my own voice, some little distance from me, saying, in +quite a low tone: + +'My God! My God! My God!' And then: 'You don't mean that she is dead?' + +But I knew all the time. + +Then I heard the doctor speaking. His body was close to me, but his +voice, like my own, came from some distance away. + +'A woman was brought here by a constable this afternoon ... +helpless ... intoxication.... Did your wife ... is she addicted to +drink?' I may have nodded. 'There was a pawnticket in the name of +Freydon.... She passed away less than an hour ago.... The condition ... +heart undoubtedly accelerated ... alcoholism ... a very short time, in +any case.... Medically, an inquest would be quite unnecessary, but.... +Will you come with me, and ...' + +From a long way off now these phrases trickled into my consciousness, +the sense of them somewhat blurred and interrupted by a continuous +buzzing noise in my head. We walked along dead white passages, and +down steps. We stopped at length where a man in uniform stood at a +door, which he opened for us at a sign from the doctor. Inside, a +woman was bending over a low pallet, and on the little bed was my wife +Fanny. A greyish sheet was drawn over her body to the chin. I think it +was so drawn up as we entered the room. I stared down upon Fanny's +calm, white face, in which there was now a refinement, a pathetic +dignity, a something delicate and womanly which I had not seen there +before; not even in the early days, when gentle prettiness had been +its quality. + +The thought that flashed through my mind as I stood there was not the +sort of thought that would be associated with such a scene. The +buzzing noise was still going on in my head, but yet I was conscious +of a vast silence all about me; and looking down upon my wife's face, +I thought: + +'Death has certainly been courteous, considerate, to poor Fanny.' + + + + +MANHOOD--ENGLAND: SECOND PERIOD + + +I + + +My wife was buried in Kensal Green cemetery, a populous London city of +the dead. And that afternoon I resigned my position on the staff of +the _Advocate_. + +I do not think that even at the time I had any definite reason for +this step, and I do not know of any now. I remember Arncliffe +remonstrated very kindly with me, spoke of plans he had in view for +me, about which he was unable to enter into detail just then, and +strongly urged me to reconsider the matter. I told him, without much +relevance really, that I had buried my wife that morning; and he, very +naturally, said he had not even known I was a married man. + +'Look here, Freydon,' he said; 'be guided by me. Take a month's +holiday, and then come and talk to me again.' + +This was no doubt both wise and kindly advice, but I merely repeated +that I must leave; and, within a week or two, I did leave, Arncliffe, +in the most friendly way, making things easy for me, and agreeing to +take a certain contribution from me once a week. This gave me three +guineas a week, and I was grateful for the arrangement. + +'You must let me see something of you occasionally. I'm really sorry +to lose you. You know I've always appreciated your suggestions,' said +Arncliffe, when I looked in to bid him good-bye. He spoke with a +friendly sincerity which I valued; because it was a fact that he had, +as editor, adopted and developed a good many suggestions of mine, +without apparent acknowledgment, and after keeping them in his +pigeon-holes until, as I thought, he had forgotten their existence, and +come to think the ideas subsequently acted upon were his own. + +With funds in hand amounting to something well under twenty pounds, I +took lodgings on the outskirts of Dorking--a bedroom and a sitting-room +in the rather pretty cottage of a jobbing carpenter and joiner +named Gilchrist. Mrs. Gilchrist, a wholesome, capable woman, performed +some humble duties in the church close by, in which she made use of a +very long-handled feather duster, and sundry cloths of a blue and +white checked pattern. Her husband had a small workshop in the cottage +garden, but his work more often than not took him away from home +during the day. Jasmine and a crimson rambler strayed about the window +of my little study, from which the view of the surrounding hills was +delightful. For some days I explored the neighbourhood assiduously. +And then I began to write my fourth book. The third--a volume of short +stories of mean streets, written in the days preceding my marriage--was +then passing through the press. + +When I first went to Dorking my health was in a very poor way. I +imagine I must at the time have been on the verge of a pretty bad +breakdown. The preceding six or eight months had greatly aggravated my +digestive troubles, and I had also suffered a good deal from +neuralgia. The constantly increasing stress of my domestic affairs, +superimposed upon steady sedentary work in which the quest for new +ideas was a continuous preoccupation, and combined with the effects of +an irregular and indifferent dietary and lack of air and exercise, had +reduced me physically to a low ebb. + +During those last weeks in London, after Fanny's death, I was not +conscious of this collapse; and my first week in Dorking had a +curiously stimulating effect upon me. Indeed, I fancy that week was +the saving of me. But at the end of it, after one long day's writing, +I took to my bed with influenza, and remained there for some time, +dallying also with bronchitis, incipient pneumonia, gastritis, and a +diphtheritic throat. + +Six weeks passed before I left my bedroom, but during only one of +those weeks did I fail to produce my weekly contribution to the +_Advocate_. If the quality of those contributions in any way reflected +my low and febrile condition, Arncliffe mercifully refrained from +drawing my attention to it. At the end of the six weeks I sat at an +open window, amused by the ghostly refinement of my hands, and +grateful to Providence for sunshine and clean air. + +The doctor was a cheery soul, toward whom I felt most strongly drawn, +because he was the only man I ever met in England who smoked my +particular brand of Virginia plug tobacco. I had suffered from the +lack of it since leaving Australia, but this good doctor told me how +to get it in England, from an agent in Yorkshire; and I was deeply +grateful to him for the information. He also told me, as I sat at the +open window, that he did not think much of my stewardship of my own +body. + +'Let me tell you, Mr. Freydon, you have been sailing several points +closer to the wind than a man has any right to sail. If you treated a +child so, or a servant, aye, or a dumb beast, some preventive society +would be at you for cruelty and neglect. They'd call me for the +prosecution, and by gad, sir, my evidence would send you to Portland +or Dartmoor--fine healthy places, both of 'em, by the way! But people +seem to think they're licensed to treat their own bodies with any +amount of cruelty and neglect. A grave mistake; a grave mistake! In +the ideal state, sir, Citizen Jones will no more be allowed to +maltreat and injure the health of Citizen Jones than he will be +allowed to break the head or poison the food of Citizen Smith. Why +should he? Each is of the same value in the eyes of the state; and, we +may suppose, in the eyes of his Maker.' + +The good man blew his nose, and endeavoured to introduce extreme +severity into his kindly and indomitably cheerful expression. + +'Yes, sir,' he resumed. 'You've got to turn over a new leaf from now +on. Three good, plain meals a day, taken to the stroke of the clock. +Eight hours in bed every night of your life, and nine if you can get +'em. Two hours of walkin', or other equally good exercise--if you can +discover its equal; I can't--in the open air every day. And anything +less will be a flat dereliction of duty, and bad citizenship, remember +that. This is for by and by, of course. Just now you want twelve hours +in bed, and half a dozen light meals a day. Mrs. Gilchrist knows all +about that. Good, sensible woman, Mrs. Gilchrist. Wish there were more +like her, these days. Oh, I'll be seeing you again, from time to time. +Don't you bother your head about "accounts," my dear sir. And when you +begin to get about now do oblige me by remembering your duty to +yourself, as I've told you. As your doctor, I warn you, it's necessary +in your case--absolutely necessary. _Good_-morning!' + +And so he trotted off to his high dog-cart and his morning rounds. An +excellent and kindly man, designed by Nature, his own temperament, and +long use, for the precise part in life he played. Such adequacy and +fitness are rare, and very admirable. I sometimes think that if I +could have exactly obeyed this excellent physician, my whole life had +been quite different. But then, to be able exactly to obey him, +perhaps it would have been necessary for me to have been a different +person in the beginning. And then, I might never have met him, +and--there's the end of a profitless speculation. + +As a fact I surreptitiously resumed work on that book long before the +doctor gave permission, and within a week of settling his account I +was once more living a life of which he would have strongly +disapproved; though it certainly was a very much less wearing and +unwholesome one than the life I had always lived in London. But, as +against that, I now had a good deal less in the way of staying power +and force of resistance. So far from having paid up in full, and wiped +off all old scores, in the matter of those first years in London, I +had barely discharged the first instalment of a penalty which was to +prove part and parcel of every subsequent year in my life. And yet, as +I have said, I sometimes think that doctor gave me my chance, if only +it had been in me to live by his instructions. But, apparently, it was +not. + + +II + + +Sidney Heron, the man who had introduced me to the country round about +Leith Hill, was the first visitor received in my Dorking lodging. He +came one Saturday morning when I had resumed work (though the doctor +knew it not), and returned to town on the Sunday night. + +I think Heron enjoyed his visit, though, out of consideration for my +lack of condition, he walked less than he would have chosen. It was a +real pleasure to me to have him there; and, in the retrospect, I can +clearly see that I was powerfully stimulated by talk with him on +literary subjects. So much was this so, that on the Saturday night +when I lay down in bed I found my brain in a ferment of activity. I +read for half an hour; but even then, after blowing out my candle, the +plots of new books, ideas for future work, literary schemes of every +sort and kind, all promising quite remarkable success, were spinning +through my mind in most exhilarating fashion. The morning found me +somewhat weary, though not unpleasantly so; and consideration of all +this made me realise, as I had not realised before, the isolation and +retirement of my life there in Dorking; the very marked change it +represented from the busy routine of days spent in the _Advocate_ +office. I prized my retirement more than ever after this. + +'For,' I thought, 'of what use or purport was all that ceaseless +mental stress and fret in London? It was all quite barren and +fruitless, really. Whereas, here--one can develop thoughts here. This +life makes creative work possible.' + +I am afraid I gave no credit to Heron, or to the stimulating effects +upon my own mind of contact with his bracing, if somewhat harsh, +intelligence. All was attributed by me at the time to the advantages +of my sequestered life. The effect of mental stimulus was not by any +means so evanescent as such things often are, and the Monday following +upon Heron's return to town saw me hard at work upon the book which I +had outlined and begun before my illness. + +There followed, in that modest little cottage room of mine, some three +or four months of incessant work at high pressure; long days, and +nights, too, at the table, during which my only exercise and +relaxation in a week would be an occasional five minutes' walk to the +post-office, or a stroll after midnight, when I found the cool night +silence soothed me greatly before going to my bedroom. The doctor's +counsels were all forgotten, of course, or remembered only in odd +moments, as when going to bed, or shaving in the morning. Then I would +promise myself reformation when the book was finished. That done I +would live by rote and acquire bucolic health, I told myself. + +In most respects that period was thoroughly typical of my life during +the next half dozen years. When the end of a book was reached, there +came the long and wearing process of its revision. Then interviews +with publishers, the correction of proof sheets, the excogitation of +writings for magazines--fuel for the fire that kept my pot a-boiling. +There were intervals of acute mental weariness, and there were +intervals of acute bodily distress. But the intervals of reformed +living, when they came at all, were too brief and spasmodic to make a +stronger or a healthier man of me. My business visits to London were +sometimes made to embrace friendly visits to Sidney Heron's lodgings. +Two or three times I dined with Arncliffe, and very occasionally I was +visited at Dorking by two of the literary journalists who had joined +Arncliffe's staff at the time of his appointment. + +With but very few exceptions the critics were very kindly to my +published work, and I apprehend that other writers who read their +reviews of my books must have thought of me as one of the coming men. +(The early nineties was a prolific period in the matter of 'coming +men.') I even indulged that thought myself for a time. But not, I +think, for very long. Like every other writer who ever lived, I would +have liked to reach a large and appreciative audience. But I had the +most lofty scorn for the methods by which I supposed such an +achievement might be accomplished. + +For a long time I sincerely believed that it was not from any lack of +substance, style, merit, or quality that my books failed to reach a +really large public; but, rather, that they were without a certain +vulgarity which would commend them to the multitude. If not precisely +that they were too good, I doubtless thought that, whilst good in +every literary sense, they happened to be couched in a vein only to be +appreciated by the subtler minds of the minority. The critics +certainly helped me to sustain this congenial theory; and it was not +until long afterwards that I accepted (with more, perhaps, of sadness +or sourness than philosophy) the conclusion that if my work never had +appealed to a big audience, the simple reason was that it was not big +enough to reach so far. It was perhaps, within the limits of literary +judgment, to some extent praiseworthy. And it won praise. I should +have been content. + +I certainly was not content, and I dare say the life I led was too far +removed from the normal, both socially and from a health standpoint, +to permit of content for me, quite apart from any question of personal +temperament or idiosyncrasy. I worked and I slept, and that was all. +That is probably not enough for the purchase of healthy content; at +all events, where the work is sedentary and productive of strain upon +the mind, nerves, and emotions. + +As society is constituted in England to-day, a man of my sort may be +almost as completely isolated, socially, in a place like Dorking as he +would expect to be in the middle of the Sahara. The labouring sort of +folk, the trades-people, and the landowners and county families, each +form compact social microcosms. The latter class, in normal +circumstances, remains not so much indifferent to as unaware of the +existence of such people as myself, as bachelors in country-town +lodgings. The other two compact little worlds had nothing to offer me +socially. And so, socially, I had no existence at all. + +The same holds good, to a great extent, of my sort of person +practically anywhere to-day. (The latter part of the nineteenth +century produced a quite large number of people who belonged to no +recognised class or order in our social cosmos.) But it is most +noticeable in the case of such a man living in a country town. In +London, or Paris, or New York, there is no longer any question of a +man being in or out of society, since there is no longer any compact +division of the community which forms society. Rather, the community +divides itself into hundreds of circles, most of which meet others at +some point of their circumference. + +My doctor in Dorking was a bachelor. I did not attend any church. +There literally was no person in that district with whom I held any +social intercourse whatever. And then, by chance, and in a single day, +I became acquainted with many of the socially superior sort of people +in my neighbourhood. + +Arncliffe's chief leader writer on the _Advocate_ staff was a man +called Ernest Lane, who, after winning considerable distinction at +Oxford, falsified cynical anticipations by winning a good deal more +distinction in the world outside the university. It was known that he +had been invited to submit himself to the electors of a constituency +in one of the Home counties, and his work while secretary to a +prominent statesman had earned him a high reputation in political +circles. His book on greater British legislation and administration +added greatly to this reputation, and his friends were rather +surprised when Lane showed that he intended to stick to the writer's +life rather than enter parliament, or accept any political +appointment. Without having become very intimate, Lane and myself had +been distinctly upon good and friendly terms during my time in the +_Advocate_ office, and he had visited me three or four times in my +retreat in Dorking. Lane thought well of my work, and he was the only +man I knew whose political conversation and views had interested me. +It was not without some pleasure, therefore, that I read a letter +received from him in which he said he was coming to see me. + +'It appears to be a case of Mohammed coming to the mountain,' this +letter said; 'and, if you will put me up, I should like to spend +Saturday and Sunday nights at your place. I think you will receive an +invitation to Sir George and Lady Barthrop's garden-party on Saturday +next, and if so I hope you will accept, and go there with me. The fact +is, one of my sisters is about to marry Arnold Barthrop, the younger +of the three sons, and the whole tribe of us are supposed to be there +this week-end. I am not keen on these big house-parties, and would far +sooner have the opportunity of seeing something of you if you would +care to have me; but I have promised to attend the garden-party, and +to bring you if I can. Some of the Barthrop's Dorking friends are +rather interesting people, so it will be just as well for you, my dear +hermit, to make their acquaintance.' + +Of course, I wrote to Lane to the effect that he would be very +welcome, which was perfectly true; but I was somewhat exercised in my +mind regarding Lady Barthrop's garden-party, although, when her card +of invitation reached me, I replied at once with a formal acceptance. +Sir George Barthrop's house, Deene Place, was quite one of the show +places of the district, and the baronet and his lady were very +prominent people indeed in that part of the county. + +Every time my eye fell upon the invitation card, I was conscious of a +sense of irritation and disturbance. What had I to do with +garden-parties? The idea of my attending such a function was absurd. I +should have nothing whatever in common with the people there, nor they +with me. Either I should never again meet one of them, or their +acquaintance would be an irritation and a nuisance to me, robbing me +of my treasured sense of complete independence in that countryside. +Finally, I decided that I would have a headache when the time came, +and get Lane to make my excuses-- 'Not that the hostess, or any one +else there, would know or care anything about my absence or presence,' +I thought. + +But my unsocial intention was airily swept aside by Ernest Lane. I did +accompany him to Deene Place, and in due course was presented by him +to Sir George and Lady Barthrop. No sooner had we left the host and +hostess to make way for other guests than Lane touched my elbow. + +'Here's the first of the five Graces,' he whispered, nodding towards a +lady who was walking down the terrace in our direction. I remembered +that my friend had five sisters, and a moment later I was being +introduced to this particular member of the sisterhood, whose name, as +I gathered, was Cynthia. As Lane moved away from us just then, to +speak to some one else, I asked my companion if she had been going to +any particular place when we met her. She smiled as we walked slowly +down the terrace steps to the lawn. + +'I am afraid my only object just then was the ungracious one of evading +Sir George and Lady Barthrop,' she said. 'Theirs is such a dreadfully +busy neighbourhood. I think being solemnly introduced to a stream of +people is rather a terrible ordeal, don't you?' + +'The experience would at least have the advantage of novelty for me,' +I told her. 'But, upon the whole, I fancy I should perhaps prefer a +visit to the dentist.' + +'Really!' she laughed. 'Now I didn't know men ever felt like that. +It's exactly how I feel about it. It really is worse than dentistry, +you know, because you are not allowed gas.' + +'At least, not laughing gas, but only gaseous laughter and small +talk,' I suggested. + +'Which makes you all hazy and muddled without the compensating boon of +unconsciousness. But you are an author and a journalist, Mr. Freydon--my +brother often speaks of you, you know--and so you must have had +lots of experience of this sort of thing; enough to have made you as +hardened as royalty, I should think. I always think of authors and +journalists as living very much in the limelight.' + +I explained that some might, but that I had spent several years in +Dorking without, until that day, attending a single social function of +any kind. This seemed to interest her greatly, once I had overcome her +initial incredulity on the point. Then I had to answer questions about +my way of living, and one or two, of a discreet and gently curious +kind, about my methods of working, and the like. There was flattery of +the most delightful kind in the one or two casual references she made +to characters in books of mine. Miss Lane never said: 'I have read +your books,' or, 'I have been interested by your books,' statements +which always produce an awkward pause, and are not interesting in +themselves. But she showed in a much more pleasing way that one's work +had entered into her life, and been welcomed by her. + +Quite apart from this, I do not think I could possibly have spent a +quarter of an hour with Cynthia Lane without concluding that she was +the most charming woman I had ever met. 'Charming woman,' I say. +Heavens! How extraordinarily inadequate these threadbare words do +look, as I write them, recalling the image of Cynthia Lane as she +paced with me across that smooth-shaven lawn--green velvet it seemed, +deeply shaded here and there by noble copper beeches. + +I suppose Cynthia was beautiful, even judged by technical standards; +for her figure was lissom and very shapely, and the contour of her +sweet face perfect--so far, at least, as I am any judge of such +matters. Her eyes and her hair had a rare loveliness which I have not +seen equalled. But it was the soul of her, the indefinable essence +that was Cynthia Lane, which made her truly lovely. This personality +of hers, at once tender and adroit, bright and grave, humorous and +most sweetly gentle, most admirably kind, shone out upon one from her +face, from her very movements and gestures even, giving to her outward +person a soft radiance which I cannot attempt to describe. This nimbus +of delicate sweetness, this irradiation of her person by her +personality it was, which made Cynthia Lane lovely, as no other woman +I have met has been. + +I must have stolen fully half an hour of her time that day, to the +annoyance it may be of many other people. And it was not until she was +being in a sense almost forcibly drawn away from me by the claims of +others that I learned, from the manner in which she was addressed by +Lady Barthrop, that she, Cynthia Lane, of whom I had thought only as +one of Lane's five sisters, as one among my own fellow guests, was +indeed the guest of the occasion, and the betrothed of Lady Barthrop's +younger son. + +Other things happened, no doubt. I was presently introduced to young +Barthrop, the bridegroom to be; and, mechanically, I endeavoured to +comport myself fittingly as a guest. But, for me, the entertainment +ended with my separation from Cynthia. + +'Do please stop being a recluse, and call while I am here,' she had +said as she was being drawn away from me into a sort of maelstrom of +gaily coloured dresses, and laughing, compliment-paying men. And I +blessed her for that. + + +III + + +Charles Augustus Everard Barthrop, third son of the baronet and his +wife, was the assistant manager of some financial company in London, +of which his father was a director. I fancy the young man himself was +also a director, but am not sure as to that. In any case he had the +reputation of being one who was likely to achieve big things in the +world of finance and company promotion, a world of which I was as +profoundly ignorant as though a dweller in the planet Mars. In another +field, too, this young man had won early distinction. He was a mighty +footballer, and a rather notable boxer. He was very blonde, very +handsome, very large, and, I gathered, of a very merry and kindly +disposition. He looked it. His sunny face and bright blue eyes +contained no more evidence of care or anxiety than one sees in the +face of a healthy boy of twelve. + +'Here is a man,' I thought, 'peculiarly rich in everything that I +lack; and all his life long he has been equally rich in his possession +of everything I have lacked. And now he is going to marry Cynthia +Lane. The rest seems natural enough, but not this.' + +As yet I had little enough of evidence on which to base conclusions. +But, as I saw it, Charles Barthrop was a handsome and materially +well-endowed young animal, whose work was company-promoting, and whose +diversions hardly took him beyond football and the Gaiety Theatre. I +dare say it was partly because he was so refulgently well-dressed that +I assumed him devoid of intellect. As a fact, my assumption was not +very wide of the mark. + +'And Cynthia,' I thought, 'has a mind and a soul. She _is_ mind and +soul encased, as it happens, in a beautiful body. She is no more a +mate for him than a great poet would be mate for a handsome fishwife; +an Elizabeth Barrett Browning for a champion pugilist.' + +It was natural that, during that Saturday evening and the following +day, conversation between Lane and myself should turn more than once +towards his sister Cynthia and her forthcoming marriage, which, I +understood, was to take place within a few weeks at St. Margaret's, +Westminster. We had become fairly intimate of late, Lane and myself, +and the introduction to various members of his family seemed to have +made us much more intimate. + +'You have made no end of an impression on Miss Cynthia,' he said +pleasantly on the Saturday evening. 'She was always the literary and +artistic member of the sisterhood. She gave me special instructions to +bring you along in time for some tea to-morrow, and she means to force +you out of your hermitage while she is at Deene Place, so I warn you. +Seriously, I think, it may be good for you. You will be sure to meet +some decent people there, who will be worth knowing, not only just +now, but when Cynthia is married and set up in Sloane Street. Barthrop +has taken a house there, you know.' + +With a duplicity not very creditable to me, I pretended thoughtful +agreement. A brother can tell one a good deal without putting his +information into plain words. I gathered from our talk then, and on +the following day, that the Lane family occupied the difficult +position of people who have, as it were, been born to greater riches +than they possess. Of them more had always been expected, socially, +than their straitened means permitted. The pinch had been a very real +one of late years, towards the end of the grand struggle which their +parents had passed through in educating and launching a family of two +sons and five daughters. It was easy to gather that good marriages +were very necessary for those five daughters, of whom Cynthia was the +first-born. I even gathered that, a year or two earlier, there had +been scenes and grave anxiety over a preference which Cynthia had +shown for a painter, poor as a church mouse, who, very considerately, +had proceeded to die of a fever in Southern Italy. Mrs. Lane had, to a +large extent, arranged the forthcoming marriage with Charles Barthrop, +I think. In the interests of the whole family Cynthia had been +'sensible'; she had been brought to see reason. + +'And, mind you,' said Lane, 'I do think Barthrop is an excellent chap, +you know. Oh, yes; he's quite a cut above your average city man. And a +kinder-hearted chap you never met. The pater swears by him.' + +I gathered that 'the pater' had been given the most useful information +and guidance in financial matters by this Apollo of Throgmorton +Street. + +'He's modest, too,' continued Lane, 'which is unusual in his type, I +think. He told me his favourite reading was detective stories, outside +the sporting and financial news, of course; but he has the greatest +respect for Cynthia's literary tastes-- You know she has published +some verse? Yes. Not in book form, but in some of the better +magazines. Oh, yes, Barthrop's a good chap: simple-minded, a shade +gross, too, perhaps, in some ways. These chaps in the city do +themselves too well, I think. But quite a good chap, and sure to make +an excellent husband. I fancy his kind do, you know--no tension, no +fret, no introspection.' + +Again I made signs of agreement which were not strictly honest. + +On Sunday afternoon we both drank our tea under the copper beeches at +Deene Place. I deliberately monopolised Cynthia's attention as long as +I possibly could, and then devoted myself to the cold-blooded study of +the man she was to marry. I found him very good-natured, gifted with +abundant high spirits, agreeably modest, and, as it seemed to me, +intellectually about on a par with a race-horse or a handsome St. +Bernard dog. + +'Cynthia tells me we are to bully you into coming out of your +hermitage,' he said to me with a sunny smile. 'A good idea, too, you +know. After all, being a recluse can't be good for one's health; and I +suppose if a man isn't fit, it tells--er--even in literary work, +doesn't it?' + +I felt towards him as one feels towards some bright, handsome +schoolboy. And yet, in many ways, I doubt not he had more of wisdom +than I had. I had spoken to Cynthia of Leith Hill, and she had said +that, when staying at Deene Place, she walked almost every day either +on the hill or the common. Upon that I had relinquished her attention +with a fair grace. + +Of course, I was entirely unused to the amenities of society. I used +no subterfuges, and made no attempt to disguise my interest in +Cynthia, or to pretend to other interests. I dare say my directness +was smiled upon, as part of the eccentricity of these literary people; +one of Ernest's friends, quite a recluse, and so forth. I gathered as +much a little later on. + +Looking back upon it I must suppose that my conduct during the next +week or so would be condemned by most right-thinking people as +ungentlemanly and even dishonourable. I have no inclination to defend +it; and I could not affirm that, at the time, I loved honour more than +Cynthia Lane. To speak the naked truth, I believe I would have +committed forgery, if by doing so I could have won Cynthia for my +wife. The one and only way in which I showed any discretion (and that, +not from any moral scruple, but purely as a matter of tactics) was in +withholding any open declaration to Cynthia herself. + +My feeling was that my chance of a life's happiness was confined to +the cruelly short period of a week or two. There was no time for +taking risks. There must be no refusals. I must use my time, every day +of it, I thought, in the effort to win her heart; and trust to the +very end to win her consent. I availed myself fully of my advantage in +living in Dorking while my rival spent his days in London. The +obstacles in my path were such as to justify me in grasping every +possible advantage within reach, I told myself. Every day we met. +Every day I walked and talked with Cynthia. Every day love possessed +me more utterly. And, I believe I may say it, every day Cynthia drew +nearer to me. No word did I breathe of marriage; that which was +arranged, or that which I desired. It seemed to me that every +available moment must be given to the moulding of her heart, to +preparation for the last crucial test, when I should ask her to +sacrifice everything, and cross the Channel and the Rubicon with me. + +There is no need for me to burke the words. Cynthia did love me when +she left Dorking for her parents' house in London; not, perhaps, with +the absorbing passion she had inspired in me; yet well enough, as I +was assured, to face social disaster and a break with her family, in +order that she might entrust her life to me. + +'Cynthia,' I said, at the end of that last walk, 'London is not to rob +me of you? Promise me!' + +'If you call me, I will come,' she said, looking at me through tears, +and well I knew that perfect truth shone in those dear eyes. + +Regarding this as the most serious undertaking of my life, I had +endeavoured to overlook nothing. I had obtained a marriage licence. A +London registrar's office was to serve our purpose. I had previously +secured a temporary lodging in London, and now went there with my +luggage. Love did not blind me to practical considerations. While +Cynthia was still in Dorking I had no time to spare. Now that she was +entangled in her own home among last preparations for the wedding that +was not to be, I turned my attention to matters affecting her future +life with me. + +Three afternoon appointments I kept with Arncliffe in the _Advocate_ +office. When I left him after our third talk, I was definitely re-engaged +as a member of his staff, at a salary of six hundred pounds +per annum, having promised to take up my duties with him in one month +from that date. Every nerve in my body had been keyed to the +attainment of this result, and I was grateful, and not a little +flattered by its achievement. I was still a poor man; but this salary, +with the few hundred pounds I might hope to add to it in a year, by +means of independent literary work, would at all events mean that +Cynthia need not face actual discomfort in her life with me. Further, +I sincerely believed (and may very well have been correct in this) +that her influence upon me would enlarge the scope and appeal of my +literary work. I realised clearly that my beautiful lady-love had very +much to give me. My life till then had not entirely lacked culture or +intellectuality. But it emphatically had lacked that grace, that +element of gentle fineness and delicacy which Cynthia would give it. + +Cynthia, who in giving me herself would give all that I desired which +my life had lacked, should come to me empty-handed, I thought. I did +not want her to borrow from out the life which for my sake she was +relinquishing. On the day before that fixed upon for the wedding at +St. Margaret's, she should come to me in the park, near her home. +There would be quite another sort of wedding, and by the evening train +we would leave for the Continent. Every detail was arranged for. We +met on the afternoon of the preceding day. I put my whole fate to the +test, and Cynthia never wavered. We arranged to meet at two o'clock +next day. + +On the morning itself, just before noon, I hurried out from my lodging +upon a final errand, intending to change my clothes and lock my bags, +upon my return, within half an hour. My papers were in the pockets of +the clothes I intended to wear, and a supply of money was left locked +in my handbag. The most important moment of my life was at hand, and, +as I walked down the crowded Strand into Fleet Street, I was conscious +of such a measure of exaltation as I had never known before that day. + +And then, for the second time in my life, brute force intervened, and +made utter havoc of all my plans and prospects. Crossing Fleet Street, +close to Chancery Lane, the pole of an omnibus struck my shoulder and +flung me several yards along the road. The driver of a hansom cab +shouted aloud as he jerked his horse to its haunches to avoid running +over me. And in that moment, pawing wildly, the horse struck the back +of my head with one of his fore feet. + +For the second time in my life I lay in a hospital, suffering from +concussion of the brain. Almost twelve hours passed before I first +regained consciousness, and the morning of the following day was well +advanced before I was able to inform the hospital authorities of my +identity. No papers, nothing but a handful of silver, had been found +in my pockets. + +At eleven o'clock that morning there was solemnised at St. Margaret's +Church the marriage of Cynthia and Charles Barthrop. + +'If you call, I will come.' + +But I had not called. I had even left Cynthia to pace to and fro +through an afternoon in the park; at that most critical juncture in +both our lives I had failed her. In a brief letter, posted to an +address given me by her brother, I acquainted Cynthia with the facts +of my accident, and nothing more than the facts. + +In ten days I was out of the hospital; and Cynthia, another man's +wife, was in Norway. + + +IV + + +I dare say no place would have looked very attractive to me when I +came out from that hospital; but London and my lodging in it did seem +past all bearing unattractive. The Dorking lodging had been definitely +relinquished, and in any case I had no wish now to see Dorking, Leith +Hill, or the common. + +Knowing practically nothing of my native land outside its capital, I +packed a small bag at my lodging, and walked to the nearest large +railway station, which happened to be Paddington. Arrived there, I +spent some dull moments in staring at way-bills, and finally took a +ticket at a venture for Salisbury. There I found a quiet lodging, and +spent the evening in idly wandering about the cathedral close. + +The next day found me tramping over short turf--turf more ancient than +the cathedral--in the neighbourhood of Stonehenge. And so I spent the +better part of a fortnight, greatly to the benefit I dare say of my +bodily health. I shall always love the tiny hamlets of that sun and +wind-washed countryside, between Warminster, Andover, Stockbridge, and +Salisbury. Yet always they will be associated in my mind with a bowing +down sense of loneliness, of empty, unredeemed sadness, and of +irretrievable loss. I cannot pretend that I experienced any sense of +remorse or penitence, where my abortive attempt to win another man's +bride was concerned. I had no such feeling. But, discreditable as that +fact may be, it did not make the aching sorrow that possessed me any +the less real. + +I was conscious of no remorse, and yet, God knows my state of mind was +humble enough, though too sombre and despairing to be called resigned. +I believe that in the retrospect my loss seemed more, a great deal +more to me, than just a lover's loss; though upon that score alone I +was smitten to the very dust. It was rather as though, at the one +blow, I had lost my heart's desire and a fortune and a position in the +world; or, at least, that these had been snatched from my grasp in the +moment of becoming mine. + +I do not think I could ever explain this to any one else; since I +suppose that in the monetary sense the rupture of my plans left me the +better off. But I, who had always been something of an outlier in the +social sense, an unplaced wanderer bearing the badge of no particular +caste, I had grown in some way to feel that marriage with Cynthia +would in this sense bring me to an anchorage, and admit me to a +definite place of my own in the complex world of London. The idea was +not wholly unreasonable. I had lived very rapidly in those few +critical weeks. Years of hope, endeavour, determination, and emotional +experience, I had crowded into my last days in Dorking. And through it +all I had been upheld and exalted by a pervasive conviction (which I +apprehend is not part of the ordinary lover's capital) that now, at +length, I was to know peace, rest, content; the calm, glad realisation +of all the vague yearnings and strivings which had spurred me to +strenuousness, to unceasing effort, all my life long. + +Cynthia had been the object of my love, of my passionate adoration, +indeed. But she had also been a great deal more. When she had bowed +her beautiful head to my wooing, when she had promised that upon my +call she would come, she had (all unconsciously, of course) become +more than my beloved. She became for me the actual embodiment, the +incarnate end, aim, and reward of all the strivings of my lonely life, +from the night of my flight from St. Peter's Orphanage down to that +very day. In my rapt contemplation of her, of the personality which +enthralled me far, far more than her beautiful person could, I smiled +over recollection of my bitter struggles in London slums, of the +heart-racking anxiety and grinding humiliation of life with poor +Fanny. I smiled happily at that squalid vista as at some trifling +inconvenience by the way, too small to be remembered as an obstacle in +my path toward the all-sufficing and radiant peace of union with +Cynthia. + +'Now I see why all my life has been worth while,' I told myself on the +eve of the clumsy, brutal blow of Fate's hand that had for ever robbed +me of Cynthia. + +In the living, the end had sometimes seemed too hopelessly far off to +justify the wearing strain of the means. There had been so little +refreshment by the way. But with Cynthia's promise there had come to +me an all-embracing certainty that my whole life had been justified; +that the end and reward of all my struggles was actually in my hands; +that I now had arrived, and was about to step definitely out from the +ranks of the striving, unsatisfied, hungry outliers, into the serene +company of those whose faces shine with the light of assured +happiness; of those who fight and struggle no longer; for the reason +that they have found their allotted place in life, and are at anchor +within the haven of their ambitions. + +I may have been very greatly to blame in my passionate wooing of +another man's affianced wife; but, at least, I believe that my loss of +Cynthia was a far greater and more crushing loss for me than the loss +of any woman could possibly have been for Charles Barthrop. For me, +she had stood for all life held that was desirable--the sum and plexus +of my aims. For Barthrop there were his keenly relished sports and +pastimes, his host of friends, his family, his luxurious and well-defined +place in the world--not to mention the city of London. + + +V + + +When I left the spacious purlieus of Salisbury, it was to engage +chambers--bedroom, sitting-room, and bathroom--in a remodelled adjunct +to one of the Inns of Court. Here my arrangement was that a simple +breakfast should be served to me each day in my sitting-room, and that +I was free to obtain my other meals wherever I might choose. Thus +provided for in the matter of a place of residence, I resumed the +discarded journalistic life, as a member of the _Advocate's_ editorial +staff, in accordance with the engagement entered into with Arncliffe, +when I believed I had been arranging to secure an income for Cynthia +and myself. + +Before renting these rooms I had called upon Sidney Heron, and invited +him to share a set of chambers with me. + +'No,' he said, in his blunt way, 'I'd rather keep you as a friend.' + +I dare say he was right; and, in any case, he had a fancy for living +at a good distance from the centre of the town; whereas my own +inclination was to avoid the town altogether, if that might be, and +failing this to have one's sanctuary right in the centre of it. My +chambers were within five minutes' walk of the _Advocate_ office, and +not much more than half that distance from the Thames Embankment--a +spot which interested me as much as its lively neighbour, the Strand, +irritated and worried me. An uneasy, shoddy street I thought the +Strand, full of insistent tawdriness and of broken-spirited folk whose +wretchedness had something in it more despicable than pitiable. Save +for its occasional gaping rustics (whom I thought sadly misguided to +be there at all) I cordially hated the Strand. But the Embankment I +regarded as one of the most romantic thoroughfares in London; and many +a score of articles (which brought me money) do I owe to the +inspiration of that broad, darkling, river-skirted road, and the queer +human flotsam and jetsam one may meet with there. + +Among the direct results of Cynthia Lane's influence, I must place my +interest in politics. I had hardly realised that women had any concern +with politics until I met Cynthia. She was in no sense a politician, +but she followed the political news of the day with the same bright +and illuminating intelligence which she brought to bear upon all the +affairs of her life; and her attitude toward them was informed by a +fine patriotism, at once reasoning and ardent. Chance phrases from her +lips had opened my eyes to the existence of a love for England, for +our flag, and race, such as I had not dreamed of till that time. + +We spoke once or twice of my Australian experiences. And here again +Cynthia's patriotism suggested whole avenues of unsuspected thought +and feeling to me. It was Cynthia who introduced to my mind the +conception of the British Empire, and our race, as a single family, +having many branching offshoots. I do not mean that Cynthia supplied +facts or theories hitherto unknown to me. But I do mean that her +woman's mind first made me feel these things, intimately and +personally, as people feel the joys and sorrows of members of their +own households. + +As a result I looked now with changed eyes upon many things. Before, I +had loathed and detested the slums of London, and the vicious, ugly +squalor of the lives of many of their inhabitants; hated them with the +bitterness of one who has been made to feel their poison in his own +veins. There had been far more of loathing than of pity or sorrow in +my attitude toward the canker at London's heart. Gradually, now, +because of the insight I had had into Cynthia's love of England, my +view became more kindly. I looked upon the canker less with hatred, +and more with the feeling one might have regarding some horrible and +malignant disease in a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister. And, +too, with more of a sense of responsibility and of shame. + +So, from a lofty and quite ignorant scorn of things so essentially +mundane, I grew to take an understanding interest in current politics, +and more particularly in their wider aspects, as touching not England +alone but all British lands and people. I obtained a press pass from +Arncliffe, and attended an important debate in the House of Commons, +subsequently recording my impressions, in the form of an article by an +Outsider, from Australia. Journalistically, that article was a rather +striking success; and I began to attend the House frequently, and to +write more or less regular political impressions for the _Advocate_. + +For several years my interest in these matters continued to be +progressive. (Three volumes of a political or quasi-political and +sociological character have appeared under my name.) I am grateful for +that interest, because it gave me some additional hold upon life, at a +time when such anchorage as I had had seemed to have been wrested from +me. + +There was a quite considerable period--five or six years, at least, I +think--during which political work tended to broaden my mind, widen my +sympathies, and enhance my esteem for a number of my contemporaries. +Beyond that point I am afraid no good came to me from the study of +politics; from which fact it is probably safe to assume that any +influence I exercised ceased to be beneficial. For a time it had, I +think, been helpful in its small way. That was while faith remained in +me. + +I remember conceiving a warm respect for a number of men engaged in +political work as writers, organisers, and speakers. I admired these +men for the fervour with which they appeared to devote their lives to +the service of political ends. I even derived from my conception of +their enthusiasm, strong, almost emotional interest in certain +political issues, tendencies, and developments. Later, as I learned to +know the men and their work better, came rather painful +disillusionment. We differed fundamentally, it seemed, these eloquent +fellows and myself. One actually told me in so many words, and with a +cynical smile at his other companion of the moment, as who should say: +'Really, this innocent needs awakening'; that I was playing the gull's +part on the surface of things. 'We are not concerned with principles,' +he said, in effect. 'That may be all right for the groundlings--our +audience. Our concern is parties, office--the historic game of ins and +outs, in which we have our careers to make.' + +Until I put the whole business for ever behind me, I never lost my +interest in issues and principles; neither did I ever acquire one jot +or tittle of the professional's interest in the political game, as +such; or endeavour to utilise its complex machinery for the +furtherance of my own career. But in the course of time the study, not +so much of politics as of political life, came to fill me with a kind +of sick weariness and disgust; a sort of dull nausea and shame, such +as I imagine forms one of the penalties for the unfortunate +sisterhood, of what is sardonically called the life of pleasure. Upon +the whole, I am afraid there is a good deal in common between the +political life and the life of the streets. Certainly, the camp +followers in political warfare are a motley crew of mercenaries, and +they take their tone from quite a number of their leaders. + +It would be quite beside the mark to add that there are some fine men +in British politics. There are, of course, in all professions, +including (I dare say) that of burglary. There still are in the +political arena gentlemen whose single aim, pursued with undeviating +loftiness of purpose, is the service of their country. I will not +pretend to think their number large, for I know it is not. (But I dare +say it is larger than it will be a few years hence, when we have +pursued a little farther the enlightened ideal of governance by the +least fit for the least fit, by the most poorly equipped for the most +poorly equipped, by the most ignorant and irresponsible for the most +ignorant and irresponsible.) But the class of well-meaning, decent, +clean-lived politicians is a fairly large one. As these worthy if +unremarkable men have not a tithe of the brains of the most prominent +among the quite unscrupulous sort--the undoubted birds of prey--their +good intentions are of small value to their generation or their +country, and represent little or nothing in the shape of hindrance to +the skilled pirates of political waters. + +But my personal concern was not so much with the rank and file of +actual politicians as with the great army of camp followers; the band +of fine, whole-souled, well-dressed, fluent fellows, for whom +'something must be done, you know,' because of this or that interest, +because of the alleged wishes of this great person or the other; and +because, above all, of their own quite wonderful pertinacity, untiring +pushfulness, and, of course, their valuable services and great +abilities as talkers, writers, 'organisers,' and what not. + +I have known men who, for years, had found it worth not less than L800 +or L1000 a year to them to have been spoken of by Mr. ----, Lord ----, +or Sir ----, as 'an exceedingly capable organiser, and--er--devoted to +the Cause.' No one ever knew precisely what they had organised (apart +from their own comfortable subsistence in West End clubs and houses) +or were to organise; but there they were, fine fellows all, tastefully +dressed, in the best of health and spirits, and indefatigably fluent +in--in--er--the service of the Cause, you know! + +There was a period in which I fancied these parasites were the +monopoly of one political party. But I soon learned that this was far +from being the case. All the four parties which the twentieth century +saw established in parliament are equally surrounded by their camp +followers, who each differ from each other only superficially, and, +not unseldom, transfer their allegiance in pursuit of fatter game. The +differences do impress one at first, but, as I say, they are mainly +superficial. All are equally self-centred and true to type as +parasites; though one brood is better dressed than another, and has a +more formidable appetite. What makes rich pickings for the follower of +one camp would leave the follower of another camp lean and hungry +indeed. But the necessary scale of expenditure being higher in one +division than another, things equalise themselves pretty much. I +believe it is much the same in the case of the other ancient +profession I have mentioned. + +I have seen quite a large number of promising young men, fresh from +the Universities, and beginning life in London with high aspirations +and genuine patriotism in their hearts, only to become gradually +absorbed into the gigantic parasitical incubus of the body politic. +The process of absorption was none the less saddening and embittering +to watch, because its subjects usually waxed fatter and more +apparently jovial with each stage in their gradual exchange of ideals +for cash, patriotism for nepotism, enthusiasm for cynicism, and +disinterestedness for toadyism. Some had in them the makings of very +good and useful citizens. Their wives, so far as I was able to see, +almost invariably (whether deliberately or unknowingly) egged them on +in the downward path to complete surrender. As a rule, complete +surrender meant less striving and contriving, a better establishment, +and a freer use of hansom cabs in place of omnibuses. (I am thinking +for the moment of the days which knew not taxi-cabs.) + +When they were writers, a frequent sign of the beginning of their end +(from my standpoint; of their success, from other standpoints, +including, no doubt, those of their wives) was that they began to +write of persons rather than principles; to eulogise rather than to +exhort, criticise, and suggest. So surely as they began their written +panegyrics of individuals, I found them laying aside the last remnants +of their private hero-worship. Very soon after this stage they +generally changed their clubs, becoming members of the most expensive +of these establishments; and from that point on, their progress +towards finished cynicism, fatty degeneration of the intellect, and +smiling abandonment of all scruples, all ideals, and all modesty, was +rapid and certain. + +The inquiring student of such processes would perhaps have found +banquets, luncheons, and public dinners of a more or less political +colour his most prolific fields. Upon such occasions I always found +the genus very strongly represented. In one camp the dress clothes of +the followers would be of a better cut and more gracefully worn than +in the other camp; and those of the better-dressed camp had more of +assurance, more of brazen impudence, and more of hopelessly shallow +cynicism, I think, than those of other divisions. In many cases, too, +they had more of education; but, I fear, less of brains. + +It was, I think, the contemplation of these gentlemen, even more +perhaps than my saddening knowledge of their shifty, time-serving, +shilly-shallying, or glaringly unscrupulous leaders and masters, that +finally disgusted me with those branches of political work which were +open to me. I have no wish to sit in judgment. Other and stronger men +may find that they may keep the most evil sort of company without ever +soiling their own hands. I know and very sincerely respect a few +political journalists and workers of different parties, whose +uprightness is beyond suspicion; whose fine enthusiasm remains +untarnished, even to-day. I yield to none in my admiration for such +men. But however much I admired, or even envied, it was not for me to +emulate these gentlemen. I probably lacked the necessary strength of +fibre. + +Arncliffe was, as ever, very kindly when I showed him my feeling in +the matter; and, so far as might be, he released me from all +journalistic obligations of a political sort. But more, I was given a +complimentary dinner. Speeches were made, and I was genuinely +astonished by the length of the list of my avowed services to +politics. It was affirmed that, under Providence, and Arncliffe, and +one or two people with titles, I had been instrumental in starting +movements, launching an organ of opinion, and bringing about all kinds +of signs and portents. The occasion embarrassed me greatly. + +It was true enough that, for a season, I had thrown myself heart and +soul into the furtherance of certain political aims; and, in all +honesty, I had worked very hard. And--heavens! how I was sick of the +fluent humbugs, and the complacent parasites! If only they could have +been dumb, and, in their writings, forbidden by law the use of all +such words as 'patriotism,' I could have borne much longer with them. + +London is our British centre, and your true parasite makes ever for +the kernel. I have seen them treated with the gravest and most modest +deference by working bees from outlying hives--the Oversea Dominions +and the Services--as men who were supposed to be fighting the good +fight, there in the hub, the heart, and centre of our House. And, +listening to their complacent oozings, under the titillations of +innocent flattery, I have turned aside for very shame, in my +impatience, feeling that in truth the heart and centre were devoid of +virtue, and that true patriotism was a thing only to be found (where +it was never named) in unknown officers of either service, and obscure +civilians engaged in working out their own and the Empire's destinies +in its remote outposts, and upon the high seas. + +And, impatient as that thought may have been, how infinitely better +founded and less extravagant it was than the presumptuous arrogance of +these gentlemen, who, by their way of it, were 'Bearing the heat and +burden of the day, here in the busy heart of things--the historic +metropolis of our race!' + + +VI + + +Upon three occasions only, in five times that number of years, did I +meet Cynthia--Cynthia Barthrop; and those meetings, I need hardly say, +were accidental. + +The promise of Cynthia's youth was to all outward seeming amply +fulfilled. As a matron she would have been notable in any company, by +reason of her sedate beauty, and the dignity of her presence. But her +manner suggested to me that her life had certainly not brought content +to Cynthia; and I gathered from her brother Ernest that the radiant +brightness of nature which had characterised her youth had not +survived her assumption of wifely and maternal cares. Others might +regard this change as part of a natural and inevitable process. In my +eyes also it was inevitable and natural, but not as the result of the +passage of time. For me it was the inevitable outcome of a marriage of +convenience, which was not, for Cynthia, a natural mating. The key to +the changed expression of her beautiful face, and, in particular, of +her eloquent eyes, as I saw it, lay in the fact that she was +unsatisfied; her life, so rich in bloom, had never reached fruition. + +One letter I had written to Cynthia, within a few days of her +marriage. And there had been no other communication between us. I +trust that forgetfulness came more easily to her than to me. + +My withdrawal from political work I connect with the death of Queen +Victoria, the Coronation of King Edward, and the end of the South +African War. From the same period--a time of the inception of radical, +far-reaching change in England--I date also my final emergence from +that phase of one's existence in which one is still thought of, by +some people at all events, as a young man. The phase has a longer +duration in our time, I think, than in previous generations, because +we have done so much in the direction of abolishing middle age. Grey +hairs were fairly plentiful with me well before the admitted end of +this phase. + +Those last years of the young man, the author and journalist of +'promise,' who was a 'coming man,' and, too, the maturer years which +followed, ought, upon all material counts, to have been the happiest +and most contented in my life; since, during this time, my position +was an assured one, and I went scatheless as regards anxiety about +ways and means--the burden which lines the foreheads of eight +Londoners in ten, I think. Yes, by all the signs, these should have +been my best and most contented years. As a fact, I do not think I +touched content in a single hour of all that period. + +What then was lacking in my life? It certainly lacked leisure. But the +average modern man would say that this commonplace fact could hardly +rob one of content. My income did not fall below from seven hundred to +a thousand pounds in any year. In all this period, therefore, there +was never a hint of the bitter, wolfish struggle for mere food and +shelter which ruled my first years in London; neither was I ever +obliged to live in squalid quarters. On the contrary, I lived +comfortably, and had a good deal more of the sort of social +intercourse which dining out furnishes than I desired. And, withal, +though I knew much of keen effort, the stress of unremitting work, +and, at times, considerable responsibility, I do not think I tasted +content in one hour of all those long, crowded, respectable, and +apparently prosperous years. + +If one comes to that, could I honestly assert that in the years +preceding these I had ever known content? I fear not. Elation, the +sense of more or less successful striving, occasional triumphs--all +these good things I had known. But content, peace, secure and restful +satisfaction-- No, I could not truly say I had ever experienced these. +Perhaps they have been rare among all the educated peoples of the late +nineteenth and early twentieth centuries; particularly, it may be, +among those who, like myself, have been more or less freely admitted +prospectors in the home territories of various classes of the +community, without ever becoming a fully accredited and recognised +member of any one among them. + +I would like very much to comprehend fairly the reason of the +barrenness, the failure to attain content or satisfaction, in all +those years of my London life. And, for that reason, I linger over my +review of them, I state the case as fully as I can. But do I explain +it to myself? I fear not. Doubtless, some good people would tell me +the secret lay in the apparent absence of definitely dogmatic +religious influence in my life. Ah, well, there is that, of course. +But it does not give me the explanation. Others would tell me the +explanation could be given in one word--egoism; that there has been +always too much ego in my cosmos. Yes, there is doubtless a great deal +in that. And yet, goodness knows, mine has not been a self-indulgent +life. + +As I see it, there was a period in which I urgently desired to secure +a safe foothold in London's literary and journalistic life. Material +needs being moderately satisfied I happened, pretty blindly, into my +marriage. That effectually shut out any possibility of content while +it lasted, and added very materially to the inroads made by the +previous struggling period upon my health. Later, came my strongest +literary ambitions: a striving for achievement and success, and I +suppose for fame, as author. And then the brief, tremendous struggle +to win Cynthia for my wife. So far, naturally enough, there had been +no content. + +After the collapse of my attempt to win a mate, it seems to me that I +became definitely middle-aged; though any outside observer of my life +would probably have dated the serious beginnings of my career--the +'young man of undoubted promise,' etc.--from that time, since it was +from then on that my position became more important. I directed the +energies of others, was a leading editor's right hand man, initiated +and controlled new departures, and commanded far more attention for my +writings than ever before. + +But--and here, it seems to me, lies the crux of the matter--in all +this period the present moment of living never appealed to me in the +least. I derived no suggestion of satisfaction or enjoyment from it. I +was for ever striving, restlessly, uneasily, and to weariness, for +something to be attained later on. And for what did I strive? Well, I +know that the old ambitions in the direction of world-wide recognition +as a literary master did not survive my return to Fleet Street, the +landmark for me of Cynthia's marriage. Equally certain am I that I +cherished no plan or desire to accumulate money and become rich. I had +no desire to become a politician, or to obtain such a post as +Arncliffe's. The desires of my youth were dead; the energies of my +youth were dulled; the health and physical standard of my early +manhood was greatly and for ever lowered. The enthusiasms of my youth +had given place not to cynicism but to weary sadness. It was perhaps +unfortunate for myself that I had no cynicism. + +Very well. In other words, a disinterested observer might say: You +became middle-aged--the common lot--and dyspeptic: the usual penalty +of sedentary life. But there is a difference. If middle age brings to +most, as no doubt it does, some failure of health and a notable +attenuation of aims, desires, ambitions, and zest, does it not also +bring some satisfaction in the present? I think so; at all events, +where, as in my case, it brings the outward and material essentials of +a moderate success in life. Now in my case, though the definite aims, +the plans for the future, the desired goals, had merely ceased to +exist, the present was Dead Sea fruit--null and void, a thing of +nought. Just where does my poor personal equation enter in, and how +far, I wonder, is all this typical of twentieth-century human +experience, for us, the heirs of all the ages, with our wonderful +enlightenment and progress? I wonder! + +This, at all events, I think, is as near as I can come to explanation. +Yet how very far short it falls of explaining, of furnishing me with +the key which the making of this record was to provide! + +However, the task shall not be shirked. At least, some matters have +been made clearer. I will complete my record--if I can. + + + + +THE LAST STAGE + + +I + + +'What do you aim at in your life?' I said to Sidney Heron one night, +when the first decade of the new century was drawing near its close. +Heron had dined with me, and we had continued our talk in my rooms. It +was a Saturday night, and therefore for me free of engagements. + +'The end of it,' replied Heron, without a moment's hesitation. + +'Ah! Nothing else? Nothing to come before the end?' + +'Oh, well, to be precise, I suppose one does, in certain moods, +cherish vague hopes of coming upon a--a way out, you know, some time +before the end; time to compose one's mind decently before the prime +adventure. Yes, one cherishes the notion vaguely; but I apprehend that +realisation of it is only for such swells as you. I have sometimes +known thrifty bursts, in which I have saved a little; but--a man +doesn't buy estates out of my sort of work, you know. He's lucky if he +can keep out-- Well, out of Fleet Street, say, saving your worship's +presence.' + +'Yes, yes; you've always done that, haven't you? A negative kind of +ambition, perhaps, but----' + +'Oh, naturally, you must pretend scorn for it, I see that,' said +Heron. + +'Not at all, my dear chap, not a bit of it. Indeed, I should be one of +the last to scorn that particular aim. But I was wondering if you +cherished any other. A "way out." Yes, there's something rather +heart-stirring about the thought. I wonder if there is such a thing as a +"way out." I forget the name of the Roman gentleman who hankered after +a "way out." Once in a year or so he used to wake up, full of the +conviction that he'd found it. Out came the family chariots, and off +he would gallop across the Campagna to the hills beyond, where, no +doubt, he had a villa of sorts, vineyards, and the rest of it. Here, +in chaste seclusion, was his "way out": a glorious relief, the +beginning of the great peace. And, a few weeks later, Rome would see +his chariots dashing back again into the city, even harder driven than +on the passage out. However, I suppose there is a "way out" somewhere +for every one.' + +'Well, I wouldn't say for every one,' said Heron thoughtfully. 'It +doesn't matter how fast you drive, you can't get away from yourself, +of course. The question of whether there is or is not a "way out" +depends on what you want to get away from, and where you want to +reach.' + +It may be well enough to say with the poet: 'What so wild as words +are?' But the fact remains that mere words, and the grouping of words, +apart from their normal, everyday significance, have a notable +influence upon the thoughts of some folk, and especially, I suppose, +of writers. I know that Heron's careless 'way out' phrase occupied my +mind greatly for many weeks after it was spoken. + +'After all,' I sometimes asked myself, 'what has my whole life +amounted to but an uneasy, restless, striving search for a "way out"? +It has never been "to-day" with me, but always "to-morrow"; and the +morrow has never come. Never for a moment have I thought: "This thing +in my hand is what I want; this present Here and Now is what I desire. +I will retain this, and so shall be content." No, my strivings--and I +have been always striving--have been for something the future was to +bring. And, behold, what was the future is more barren than the past; +it is that thing which I seem incapable of valuing--the present. Is +there a "way out" for me? Surely there must be. I certainly am no more +fastidious than my neighbours, and indeed am much simpler in my tastes +than most of them.' + +And that was true. If I could lay claim to no other kind of progress, +I could fairly say that I had cultivated simplicity in taste and +appetite, and did in all honesty prefer simple ways. That otherwise +abominable thing, my disabled digestive system, had perhaps influenced +me in this direction. In days gone by, I should have said my most +desired 'way out' would be the path to independent leisure for +literary work. Now, if I desired anything, it was independent leisure, +not for the production of immortal books, but for thinking; for the +calm thought that should yield self-comprehension. Yes, I told myself, +I hated the daily round of Fleet Street, with its never-slackening +demand for the production of restrained moralising, polished twaddle, +and non-committal, two-sided conclusions, or careful omissions, and +one-eyed deductions. It was thus I thought of it, then. + +'What you want is a holiday, my friend,' said Arncliffe, upon whose +kindly heart and front of brass the beating of the waves of Time +seemed powerless to develop the smallest fissure. + +'You are right,' I thought. 'A holiday without an end is what I want. +And, why not take it, instead of waiting till the other end comes, and +shuts out all possibility of holidays, work, or thought? Why not?' + +I began a reckoning up of my resources. But it was a perfunctory +reckoning. The facts really did not greatly interest me. After all, +had I not once calmly set up my establishment in the country, with a +total capital of perhaps twenty pounds? Or, if one came to that, had I +not cheerfully sallied forth into the world, armed only with a one-pound +note? True, I told myself, with some bitterness, the youth had +possessed many capabilities which the man lacked. Still, the reckoning +did not greatly interest me. And, while I made it, my thoughts +persistently reverted to Australian bush scenes; never, by the way, to +my days of comparative prosperity in Sydney, but always to bush +scenes: camp fires under vast and sombre red mahogany trees; lonely +tracks in heavily timbered country; glimpses of towns like Dursley, +seen from the rugged tops of high wooded ridges; little creeks, +lisping over stones never touched by the feet of men or beasts; tiny +clearings among the hills, where a spiral of blue smoke bespoke an +open hearth and human care, though no sound disturbed the peaceful +solitude save the hum of insects and the occasional cry of birds. + +Now and again I would allow myself to compose a mental picture of some +peaceful retreat upon the outskirts of a remote English village, where +every stock and stone would have a history, and every inhabitant prove +a repository of folklore and local tradition. From actual experience I +still knew very little of rural England, though of late years I had +done some exploring. But, vicariously, I had lived much in Wessex, +East Anglia, the delectable Duchy, and other parts of the country, +through the works of favourite writers. And so I did dream at times of +an English retreat, but always such musings would end upon a note of +scepticism. These parts were not far enough away to furnish anything +so wonderful, so epoch-making, as my desired 'way out.' For persons of +my temperament one of the commonest and most disastrous blunders of +life is the tacit assumption that the thing easy of attainment and +near at hand cannot possibly prove the thing one wants. + +Gradually, then, the idea developed in my mind that the true solution +of my problems lay in a working back upon my life's tracks. My +thoughts wandered insistently to the northern half of the coast of New +South Wales. Even now I could hardly say just how much of my +retrospective vision was genuine recollection, and how much the +glamour of youth. I tried to recall without sentiment the effects +produced upon me, for example, by the climate of that undoubtedly +favoured region. But I am not sure that my efforts gave results of any +practical value. For practical purposes it is extremely difficult, in +middle life, to form reliable estimates of the congeniality to one's +self of any place to which one has been a stranger since youth. +Recollections pitched in such a key as, 'How good one used to feel +when--,' or,'How beautiful the country looked at ---- when one--,' are +apt to be very misleading for a man of broken health and middle age; +the one thing he cannot properly allow for being the radical change +which has taken place in himself. I bore the name of the lad who +tramped the roads from Myall Creek down to Dursley. In most other +respects I was not now that person, but somebody else--a totally +different somebody. + +I could not very well talk of the plans which now took shape in my +mind to Sidney Heron; because, in effect, he declined to discuss them. + +'I think it would be a rather less reasonable step than suicide, and I +have always declined to discuss suicide. One must see some glimmer of +rationality in a project to be able to discuss it, and in this notion +of yours I can see none, none whatever.' + +A vague suspicion that others might be likely to share Heron's view +prevented my seeking the counsel of my few friends; and also, I fear, +tended rather to strengthen my inclinations to go my own way. The more +I thought upon it, the more determined I became to cut completely +adrift from my present life; to find a way of escaping all its +insistent calls; to get far enough away from my life (so to say) to be +able calmly and thoughtfully to observe it, and seek to understand it. +I did not admit this, but I suppose my real aim was to escape from +myself. + +'Your lease is not a long one, in any case,' I told myself. 'While yet +you have the chance cease to be a machine, and begin to live as a +rational, reasoning creature. Be done with your petty striving after +ends you have forgotten, or cannot see, or care nothing for. Get out +into the open, and live, and think!' + +I do not quite know the basis of my conviction that I should never +make old bones, as the saying goes. The life assurance offices +certainly shared this view, for they would have none of me. (I had +long since thought of taking out what is called a double endowment +policy.) My father died at an early age, and I had known good health +hardly at all since my first two years in London. The doctor who had +last examined me showed that he thought poorly of my heart; and, +indeed, experience had taught me that prolonged gastric disorder is +calculated to affect injuriously most organs of the human anatomy. But +the thinking and planning with regard to a radical change in my life +had given me a certain interest in living, and that had acted +beneficially upon my health; so that, for the time being, I felt +better than for a long while past. + +While this fact gave a certain air of unreality to the resignation, on +the grounds of ill-health, from my appointment as a member of +Arncliffe's staff, it did not in the least affect my weariness of +Fleet Street and all its works, or my determination to be done with +them. The circle of my intimates was so very small that the task of +explaining my intentions was not a formidable one, nor even one which +I felt called upon to perform with any particular thoroughness. I +proposed to take a voyage for the good of my health, and did not know +precisely when I should return. That I deemed sufficient for most of +those to whom anything at all needed to be said. + + +II + + +There was something strange, a dream-like want of reality, about my +final departure from England, after five-and-twenty years of working +life in London. I am not likely to forget any incident of it; but yet +the whole experience, both at the time and now, seemed (and seems) to +be shrouded in a kind of mist, a by no means disagreeable haze of +unreality, which in a measure numbed all my senses. More than ever +before I seemed to be, not so much living through an experience, as +observing it from a detached standpoint. + +Investigation of my resources showed that I had accumulated some means +during the past dozen years of simple living and incessant work, not +ill-paid. I had just upon two thousand pounds invested, and between +one and two hundred pounds lying to my credit at call, I told myself +that living alone and simply in the bush, a hundred pounds in the year +would easily cover all my expenses. That I had anything like twenty +years of life before me was a supposition which I could not entertain +for one moment. And, therefore, I told myself again and again, with +curious insistence, there really was no reason why I need ever again +work for money, or waste one moment over petty anxiety regarding ways +and means. That was a very great boon, I told myself; the greatest of +all boons, and better fortune than in recent years I had dared to hope +would be mine. And, puzzled by the coldness with which my inner mind +responded to these assurances, I would reiterate them, watching my +mind the while, and almost angered by the absence of elation and +enthusiasm which I observed there. + +'You have not properly realised as yet what it means, my friend,' I +murmured to myself as I walked slowly through city alley-ways, after +booking my passage to Sydney in a steam ship of perhaps seven times +the tonnage of the old _Ariadne_ of my boyhood's journey to Australia. +'But it is the biggest thing you have ever known. You will begin to +realise it presently. You are free. Do you hear? An absolutely free +man. You need never write another line unless you wish it, and then +you may write precisely what you think, no more, no less. You are +going right away from this howling cockpit, and never need set foot in +it again. You are going to a beautiful climate, a free life in the +open, with no vestige of sham or pretence about it, and long, secure +leisure to reflect, to think, to muse, to read, to do precisely what +you desire to do, and nothing else. You are free--free! Do you hear, +you tired hack? Too tired to prick your ears, eh? Ah, well, wait till +you've been a week or two at sea!' + +Very quietly I addressed my sluggish and jaded self in this wise. Yet +more than one hurried walker in the city ways looked curiously at me, +as I passed along, with a wondering scrutiny which amused me a good +deal. 'Too tired to prick your ears.' The suggestion came from the +contemptuously self-commiserating thought that I was rather like a +worn-out 'bus horse, to whom some benevolent minor Providence was +offering the freedom of a fine grazing paddock. 'You're too much +galled and spavined, you poor devil, to be moved by verbal assurances. +Wait till you scent the breezy upland, and your feet feel the turf. +You'll know better what it all means then.' + +I had entertained vague notions of a little farewell feast which I +would give to Heron, and, possibly, to one or two other friends. But +from the reality of such convivial enterprise I shrank, when the time +came, preferring to adopt, even to Heron, the attitude of a traveller +who would presently return. And when, as the event proved, I found +myself the guest of honour at a dinner presided over by Arncliffe, my +embarrassment pierced through all sense of unreality and caused me +acute discomfort. + +It is odd that I, who always have been foolishly sensitive to blame +(from professed critics and others), should shrink so painfully from +spoken praise or formal tribute of any kind. It makes my skin hot even +to recall the one or two such episodes I have faced. The wretched +inability to think where to dispose of one's hands and gaze during the +genial delivery of after-dinner encomiums; the distressing difficulty +of replying! Upon the whole, I think I was better at receiving +punishment. But it is true, the latter one received in privacy, and +was under no obligation to answer; since replying to printed +criticisms was never a folly I indulged. + +On the eve of my departure from London I did a curious and perhaps +foolish thing, on the spur of a moment's impulse. I hailed a cab, and +drove to Cynthia's house in Sloane Street. Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Barthrop +were at home, and alone, the servant told me; and in another few +moments I was shaking hands with them. Naturally, they called my visit +an unexpected pleasure. It was, in fact, not a very pleasurable +quarter of an hour for either one of us. For years I had known nothing +of their interests, or they of mine. Our talk was necessarily shallow, +and I dare say Cynthia, no less than her husband, was glad when I rose +to take my leave. The sweet, clear candour of her face had given +place, I thought, to something not wholly unlike querulousness. But, I +had one glance from her eyes, as she took my hand, which seemed to me +to say: + +'God speed! I understand.' + +It may have meant nothing, but I like to think it meant understanding. + +From Cynthia's house I went on to Heron's lodging, for I had a horror +of being 'seen off,' and wished to bid my friend good-bye in his own +rooms. Our talk was constrained, I remember. The stress of my +uprooting affected me far more than I knew at the time. Heron regarded +my going with grave disapproval as a crazy step. He regretted it, too; +and such feelings always tended to exaggerate his tendency to +taciturnity, or to a harsh, sardonic vein in speech. + +As his way was in such a matter, Heron calmly ignored my stipulation +about being 'seen off,' and he was standing beside the curb when I +stepped out of my cab at Fenchurch Street Station next morning. There +was nearly half an hour to spare, we found, before the boat train +started. + +'The correct thing would be a stirrup-cup,' growled Heron. + +'The very thing,' I said; conversation in such a place, and in such +circumstances, proving quite impossible for me. By an odd chance I +recalled my first experiences upon arrival at this same mean and +dolorous station, more than twenty years previously. 'We will go to +the house in which the "genelmun orduder bawth,"' I said, and led +Heron across into the Blue Boar. + +The forced jocularity of these occasions is apt to be a pitifully +wooden business, and I suppose it was a relief to us both when my +train began slowly to move. + +'By the way--I had forgotten,' said Heron, very gruffly. 'Take this +trifle with you-- May be of some use. Good-bye! Look me up as soon as +you get back. I give you a year--or nearly.' + +He waved his hand jerkily, and was gone. He had given me the silver +cigarette-case which he had used for all the years of our +acquaintance. It bore his initials in one corner, and under these I +now saw engraved: 'To N. F., 1890-1910.' I do not recall any small +incident that impressed me more than this. + +I still moved through a mist. The voices of my travelling companions +seemed oddly small and remote. I felt as though encased and insulated, +in some curious way, from the everyday life about me. And this mood +possessed me all through that day. Through all the customary bustle of +an ocean liner's departure, I moved slowly, silently, aloofly, as a +somnambulist. It was a singular outsetting, this start upon my 'way +out.' + + +III + + +In ordinary times my thrifty instinct might have led me to travel in +the second class division of the great steamer. But it had happened +that the sum I set aside to cover my travelling expenses proved more +than ample. Several small unreckoned additions had been made to it +during my last month in England; and the upshot was that I decided to +travel by first saloon, and even to indulge myself in the added luxury +of a single-berth, upper-deck cabin. For me privacy had for long been +one of the few luxuries I really did value. Heron had mildly satirised +my sybaritic plans as representing an ingenious preparation for hut +life in the Australian bush, but I had claimed that comfort and +privacy on the passage would give me a deserved holiday, and help put +me into good form for my fresh start oversea. I am not sure which view +was the more correct. + +At all events I certainly was very comfortably placed on board the +_Oronta_. My books I had deliberately packed in boxes marked 'Not +wanted on voyage.' There was not so much as a sheet of manuscript +paper among my cabin luggage. Beyond an odd letter or two for postage +at ports of call, and any casual browsing in the ship's library to +which I might feel impelled in my idleness, I was prepared to give no +thought to reading or writing for the present; since for five-and-twenty +years I had been giving practically all my days and half my +nights to these pursuits as a working man of letters. + +I had amused myself of late with elaborate anticipations of the +delights of idleness during this passage to Australia. My ideas of sea +travel were really culled from recollections of life on a full rigged +clipper ship--not a steamboat. (The homeward passage from Australia +had hardly been sea-travel in the ordinary sense for me, but rather +six weeks of clerking in an office.) In my anticipations of the +present journey, the dominant impressions had been based upon memories +of the spotless cleanliness, endless leisure, and primitive simplicity +of the old time sailing ship life. I do not mean that I had thought I +should trot about the decks of the _Oronta_ bare-footed, as I and my +childish companions had done aboard the _Ariadne_; but I do mean that +the atmosphere of the _Ariadne_ life had coloured all my thoughts of +what the present trip would be for me. + +And that, of course, was a mistake. The smoothly ordered life of the +_Oronta's_ saloon passengers was very much that of a first-class +seaside hotel, say in Bournemouth. So far from sprawling upon the +snowy deck of a forecastle-head, to watch the phosphorescent lights in +the water under our ship's bow, saloon passengers on board the +_Oronta_ were not expected ever to intrude upon the forward deck--the +ship had no forecastle-head--which was reserved for the uses of the +crew. Also, in the conventional black and white of society's evening +uniform for men, I suppose one does not exactly sprawl on decks, even +where these are spotless, as they never are on board a steamship. + +The pleasant race of sailor men, of shell-backs, such as those who +swung the yards and tallied on to the halliards of the _Ariadne_, may +or may not have become extinct, and given place to a breed of sea-going +mechanics, who protect their feet by means of rubber boots when +washing decks down in the morning. In any case, I met none of the old +salted variety among the _Oronta's_ multitudinous crew. For me there +was here no sitting on painted spars, or tarry hatch-covers, or rusty +anchor-stocks, and listening to long, rambling 'yarns,' or 'cuffers,' +in idle dog-watches or restful night-watches, when the southern Trades +blew steadily, and the braces hung untouched upon their pins for a +week on end. No, in the second dog-watch here, one took a solemn +constitutional preparatory to dressing for dinner; and in the first +night-watch one smoked and listened willy-nilly to polite small talk, +and (from the ship's orchestra) the latest and most criminal products +of New York's musical genius. I never heard or saw the process of +relieving wheel or look-out aboard the _Oronta_, and long before the +beginning of the middle watch I had usually switched off for the night +the electric reading-lamp over my pillow. + +The fact is, of course, that I had never had any kind of training for +such a life as that in which I now found myself. I will not pretend to +regret that, for, to be frank, it is a vapid, foolish, empty life +enough. But there it was; one could not well evade it, and I had had +no previous experience of anything at all like it. The most popular +breakfast-hour was something after nine. Beef-tea, ices, and suchlike +aids to indigestion were partaken of a couple of hours later. Luncheon +was a substantial dinner. The four o'clock tea was quite a meal for +most passengers. Caviare and anchovy sandwiches were the rule in the +half hour preceding dinner, which was, of course, a serious function. +But ours was a valiant company, and supper was a seventh meal achieved +by many. The orchestra seemed never far away; games were numerous +(here again I had hopelessly neglected my education), and at night +there were concerts, impromptu dances, and balls that were far from +being impromptu. + +It is, I fear, a confession of natural perversity, but by the time we +reached the Mediterranean I was exceedingly restless, and inclined to +nervous depression. + +I welcomed the various ports of call, and was properly ashamed of the +unsocial irritability which made me resent the feeling of being made +one of a chattering, laughing, high-spirited horde of tourists, whose +descent upon a foreign port seriously damaged whatever charm or +interest it might possess. At least the trading residents of these +ports were far more sensible than I, their preference undoubtedly +causing them to welcome the wielders of camera and guide-book in the +vein of 'the more the merrier.' + +It was in Naples, outside the Villa Nazionale, that it fell to me to +rescue the elegant young widow, Mrs. Oldcastle, from the embarrassing +attentions of a cabman, whose acquaintances were already rallying +about him in great force. So far as speech went, my command of Italian +was not very much better than Mrs. Oldcastle's perhaps; but at least I +had a pocketful of Italian silver, while she, poor lady, had only +English money. The cabman was grossly overpaid, of course, but the +main point was I silenced him. And then, her flushed cheeks testifying +to her embarrassment, Mrs. Oldcastle turned towards the gardens, and, +in common courtesy, I walked with her to ascertain if I could be of +any further service. The upshot was that we strolled for some time, +took tea in the Cafe Umberto, walked through the Museo, visited one of +the city's innumerable glove-shops, and finally, still together, drove +back to the port and rejoined the _Oronta_. + +As fellow-passengers we had up till this time merely exchanged casual +salutations, Mrs. Oldcastle being one of the three who shared the +particular table in the saloon at which I sat. No one else of her name +appeared in the passenger list, in which I had already read the line: +'Mrs. Oldcastle and maid.' I imagined her age to be still something in +the earliest thirties, and I had been informed by some obliging gossip +that she was English by birth; that she had married an Australian +squatter, who had died during the past year or so; that her permanent +home was in England, but that she was just now paying a visit to the +Commonwealth upon some business connected with her late husband's +estates there. + +'You have been most kind, Mr. Freydon,' she said, as we stepped from +the gangway to the steamer's deck. 'I was in a dreadful muddle by +myself, and now, thanks to you, I have really enjoyed my afternoon in +Naples. Believe me, I am grateful. And,' she added, with a faint +blush, 'I shall now find even greater interest than before in your +books. Au revoir!' + +So she disappeared, by way of the saloon companion, while I took a +turn along the deck to smoke a cigarette. Naturally I had not +mentioned my books or profession, and I thought it an odd chance that +she should know them. She certainly had been a most agreeable +companion, and---- + +'There's no doubt that life in any other country, no matter where, +does seem to enlarge the sympathies of English people,' I told myself. +'It tends to mitigate the severity of their attitude towards the +narrower conventions. If this had been her first journey out of +England she might have accepted my help in the matter of the cabman, +but would almost certainly have felt called upon to reject my company +from that on. Instead of which-- H'm! Well, upon my word, I have +enjoyed the day far more than I should have done alone. She certainly +is very bright and intelligent.' + +And I nodded and smiled to myself, recalling some of her comments upon +certain figures in the marble gallery of the Museo that afternoon. +There was nothing in the least inane or parrot-like about her +conversation. I experienced a more genial and friendly feeling than +had been mine till then toward the whole of my fellow-passengers. + +'After all,' I told myself, 'this forming of hasty impressions of +people, from snatches of their talk and mannerisms and so forth, is +both misleading and uncharitable. Here have I been sitting at table +for a week, and, upon my word, I had no idea that any one among her +sex on board had half so much intelligence as she had shown in these +few hours away from the crowd. The crowd--that's it. It's misleading +to observe folk in the mass, and in the confinement of a ship.' + +The passengers' quarters on an ocean liner are fully equal to the +residences in a cathedral close as forcing beds of gossip and scandal. +Thus, before we reached the Indian Ocean, I was aware that the gossips +had so far condescended as to link my name with that of one whom I +certainly rated as the most attractive of her sex on board. Indeed, it +was Mrs. Oldcastle herself who drew my attention to this, with a +little _moue_ of contempt and disgust. + +'Really, people on board ship are too despicable in this matter of +gossip,' she said. 'It would seem that they are literally incapable of +evolving any other topic than the doings, or supposed doings, of those +about them. And the men seem to me just as bad as the women.' + + +IV + + +Naturally, the fact that various idle people chose to use my name in +their gossip in no sense disturbed my peace of mind. Neither had I any +particular occasion to regret it, for Mrs. Oldcastle's sake, since I +fancy that independent and high-spirited little lady took a +mischievous pleasure in spurring the rather sluggish imaginations of +those about her. I found a hint of this in her demeanour occasionally, +and could imagine her saying, as she mentally addressed her +fellow-passengers: + +'There! Here's a choice crumb for you, you silly chatterers!' + +With some such thought, I am assured, she occasionally took my arm +when we chanced to pace the deck late in the evening. At least, I +noted that such actions on her part came frequently when we happened +to pass a group of lady passengers in the full glare of an electric +lamp, and rarely when we were unobserved. + +There is doubtless a certain forceful magic about the combined +influences of propinquity and sea air, as these are enjoyed by the +idle passengers upon a great ocean liner. They do, I think, tend to +advance intimacy and accelerate the various stages of intercourse +leading thereto, and therefrom, as nothing else does; more +particularly as affecting the relations between men and women. Whilst +unlike myself (as in most other respects) in that her social instincts +were I am sure well developed, it happened that Mrs. Oldcastle did not +feel much more drawn toward the majority of her fellow-passengers than +I did. By a more remarkable coincidence, it chanced that she had read +and been interested by several of my books. From such a starting-point, +then, it followed almost inevitably that we walked the decks +together, and sat and talked together a great deal; these being the +normal daily occupations of people so situated, if not indeed the only +available occupations for those not given over to such delights as +deck quoits. + +I am very sure that Mrs. Oldcastle was never what is called a flirt, +and I believe the general tone of our conversations was sufficiently +rational. Yet I will not deny that there were times--on the balcony of +the Galle Face Hotel in Colombo, and on the _Oronta's_ promenade deck +by moonlight--when my attitude towards this charming lady was +definitely tinged by sentiment. Withal, I doubt if any raw boy could +have been more shy, in some respects, than I; for I was most +sensitively conscious during this time of the fact that I was a very +unsocial, middle-aged man, of indifferent health, and, for that +reason, unattractive appearance. Whereas, Mrs. Oldcastle had all the +charms of the best type of 'the woman of thirty,' including the +evident enjoyment of that sort of health which is the only real +preservative of youth. Being by habit a lonely and self-conscious +creature, I had even more than the average Englishman's horror of +making myself ridiculous. + +We were off the coast of south-western Australia when I sat down in my +cabin one morning for the purpose of seriously reviewing my position, +with special reference to recent conversations with Mrs. Oldcastle. +Certain things I laid down as premises which could not be questioned; +as, for example, that I found this gracious little lady (Mrs. +Oldcastle was petite and softly rounded in figure; I am tall and +inclined in these days to a stooping, scraggy kind of gauntness) a +most delightful companion, admirably well-informed, vivacious, and +unusually gifted in the matter of deductive powers and the sense of +humour. Also, that (whatever the ship's chatterboxes might say) there +had been nothing in the faintest degree compromising in our relations +so far. + +From such premises I began to argue with myself upon the question of +marriage. It is not very easy to get these things down in black and +white. I was perfectly sure that Mrs. Oldcastle was heartwhole. And +yet, absurdly presumptuous as it must look when I write it, I was +equally sure that it would be possible for me to woo and win her. It +may seem odd, but this charming woman did really enjoy my society. She +liked talking with me. She found my understanding of her ready and +sympathetic, and--what doubtless appealed to both of us--she found +that talk with me had a rather stimulating effect upon her; that it +drew out, in combating my point of view, the best of her excellent +qualities. Using large words for lesser things, she laughingly +asserted that I inspired her; and she added that I was the only person +she knew who never bored or wearied her. Yes, no matter how awkward +the written words may look, I know I was convinced that, if I should +set myself to do it, I could woo and win this charming woman, whose +first name, by the way, I did not then know. + +I did not know Mrs. Oldcastle's precise circumstances, of course, but +there were many ways in which I gathered that she was rather rich than +poor. A young Australian among the passengers volunteered to me the +information that this lady had been the sole legatee of her late +husband, who had owned stations in South Australia and in Queensland +certainly worth some hundreds of thousands of pounds. Few men could be +less attracted than myself by a prospect of controlling a large +fortune or extensive properties. But, as against that, whilst marriage +with any one possessed of no means would have been mere folly for me, +the possession of ample means would remove the most obvious barriers +between myself and matrimony. + +It was passing strange, I thought, that a woman at once so charming +and so rich should be travelling alone, and, so far from being +surrounded by a court of admirers, content to make such a man as +myself almost her sole companion. Mrs. Oldcastle had a mind at once +nimble and delicate, sensitive, and quite remarkably quick to seize +impressions, and to arrive at (mostly accurate) conclusions. She had a +vein of gentle satire, of kindly and withal truly humorous irony, most +rare I think in women, and quite delightful in a companion. I learned +that her father (now dead) had been the secretary of one of the +learned societies in London, and a writer of no mean reputation on +archaeology and kindred subjects. Her surviving relatives were few in +number, of small means, and resident, I gathered, in the west of +England. I had told her a good deal about my London life, and of the +circumstances and plans leading up to my present journey. Her comment +was: + +'I think I understand perfectly, I am sure I sympathise heartily, and--I +give you one more year than your friend, Mr. Heron, allowed. I +prophesy that you will return to London within two years.' + +'But, just why?' I asked. 'For what reasons will my attempted "way +out" prove no more than a way back?' + +'Well, I am not sure that I can explain that. No, I don't think I can. +It may prove a good deal more than that, and yet take you back to +London within a couple of years. Though I cannot explain, I am sure. +It is not only that you have been a sedentary man all these years. You +have also been a thinker. You think intellectual society is of no +moment to you. Well, you are very tired, you see. Also, bear this in +mind: in the Old World, even for a man who lives alone on a mountain-top, +there is more of intellectuality--in the very atmosphere, in the +buildings and roads, the hedges and the ditches--than the best cities +of the New World have to offer. I suppose it is a matter of tradition +and association. The endeavours of the New World are material; a +proportion at least of the Old World's efforts are abstract and ideal. +You will see. I give you two years, or nearly. And I don't think for a +moment it will be wasted time.' + +Sometimes our talk was far more suggestive of the intercourse between +two men, fellow-workers even, than that of a man and a woman. Never, I +think, was it very suggestive of what it really was: conversation +between a middle-aged, and, upon the whole, broken man, and a woman +young, beautiful, wealthy, and unattached. Love, in the passionate, +youthful sense, was not for me, of course, and never again could be. I +think I was free from illusions on that point. But I believed I might +be a tolerable companion for such a woman as Mrs. Oldcastle, and I +felt that her companionship would be a thing very delightful to me. +After all, she had presumably had her love affair, and was now a fully +matured woman. Why then should I not definitely lay aside my plans--which +even unconventional Sidney Heron thought fantastic--and ask this +altogether charming woman to be my wife? Though I could never play the +passionate lover, my aesthetic sense was far from unconscious or +unappreciative of all her purely womanly charm, her grace and beauty +of person, as apart from her delightful mental qualities. + +I mused over the question through an entire morning, and when the +luncheon bugle sounded had arrived at no definite conclusion regarding +it. + +That afternoon it happened that, as I sat chatting with Mrs. +Oldcastle---we were now in full view of the Australian coast, a rather +monotonous though moving picture which was occupying the attention of +most passengers--our conversation turned upon the age question; how +youth was ended in the twentieth year for some people, whilst with +others it was prolonged into the thirtieth and even the fortieth year; +and, in the case of others again, seemed to last all their lives long. +Mrs. Oldcastle had a friend in London who had placidly adopted middle +age in her twenty-fifth year; and we agreed that a white-haired, +rubicund gentleman of fully sixty years, then engaged in winning a +quoits tournament before our eyes, seemed possessed of the gift of +unending youth. + +'You know, I really feel quite strongly on the point,' said Mrs. +Oldcastle. 'My friend, Betty Millen, has positively made herself a +frump at five-and-twenty. We practically quarrelled over it. I don't +think people have any right to do that sort of thing. It is not fair +to their friends. Seriously, I do regard it as an actual duty for +every one to cherish and preserve her youth.' + +'And _his_ youth, too?' I asked. + +'Certainly, I think there is even less excuse for men who go out half-way +to meet middle-age. That sort of middle-age really is a kind of +slow dying. Age is a sort of gradual, piecemeal death, after all. It +can be fended off, and ought to be. Men have more active and +interesting lives than women, as a rule; and so have the less excuse +for allowing age to creep upon them.' + +'But surely, in a general way, the poor fellows cannot help it?' + +'Oh, I don't agree. I have known men old enough to be my father, so +far as years go, who were splendidly youthful. The older a man is, +within limits of course, the more interesting he should be, and is, +unless he has weakly allowed age to benumb him before his time. Then +he becomes merely depressing, a kind of drag and lowering influence +upon his friends; and, too, a horridly ageing influence upon them.' + +I nodded, musing, none too cheerily. + +'After all,' she continued vivaciously, 'science has done such a lot +for us of late. Practically every one can keep bodily young and fit. +It only means taking a little trouble. And the rest, I think, is just +a question of will-power and mental hygiene. No, I have no patience +with people who grow old; unless, of course, they really are very old +in years. I think it argues either stupidity or a kind of +profligacy--mental, nervous, and emotional, I mean--and in either case +it is very unfair to those about them, for there is nothing so horribly +contagious.' + +I have sometimes wondered if Mrs. Oldcastle had any deliberate purpose +in this conversation. Upon the whole, I think not. I remember +distinctly that the responsibility for introducing the subject was +mine. She might have been covertly instructing me for my own benefit, +but I doubt it, I doubt it. My faults of melancholy and unrestfulness +had not appeared, I think, in my intercourse with Mrs. Oldcastle, so +cheery and enlivening was her influence. No, I think these really were +her views, and that she aired them purely conversationally, and +without design or afterthought, however kindly. Her own youth she had +most admirably conserved, and in a manner which showed real force of +character and self-control; for, as I now know, she had had some +trying and wearing experiences, though her air and manner were those +of a woman young and high-spirited, who had never known a care. As a +fact she had known what it was, for three years, to fight against the +horrid advance of what was practically a disease, and a terrible one, +in her late husband, the chief cause of whose death was alcoholic +poisoning. + +But, though I am almost sure that this particular conversation was in +no sense part of a design or meant to influence me in my relations +with her, yet it did, as a matter of fact, serve to put a period to my +musings, and bring me to a definite decision, which it may be had +considerable importance for both of us. Within forty-eight hours Mrs. +Oldcastle was to leave the _Oronta_, her destination being the South +Australian capital. That I had become none too sure of myself in her +company is proved by the fact that when I left her that evening, it +was with mention of a pretended headache and chill. I kept my cabin +next day, and before noon on the day following that we were due at +Port Adelaide. Mrs. Oldcastle expressed kindly sympathy in the matter +of my supposed indisposition, and that rather upset me. I could see +that my non-appearance during her last full day on board puzzled her, +and I was not prepared to part from her upon a pretence. + +'Why, the fact is,' I said, 'I don't think I can accept your sympathy, +because I had no headache or chill. I was a little moody--somewhat +middle-aged, you know; and wanted to be alone, and think.' + +'I see,' she said thoughtfully, and rather wonderingly. + +'I don't very much think you do,' I told her, not very politely. 'And +I'm not sure that I can explain--even if it were wise to try. I think, +if you don't mind, I'll just say this much: that I greatly value your +friendship, and want to retain it, if I can. It seemed to me better to +have a headache yesterday, in case--in case I might have done anything +to risk losing your friendship.' + +'Oh! Well, I do not think you are likely to lose it, for I--I am as +much interested as you can be in preserving it. I want you to write to +me. Will you? And I will write to you when you have found your +hermitage and can give me an address. I will give you my agent's +address in Adelaide, and my own address in London, where I shall +expect a call from you within two years. No, you wall not find it so +easy to lose touch with me, my friend; nor would you if--if you had +not had your headache yesterday.' + +Upon that she left me to prepare for going ashore. I think we +understood each other very well then. After that we had no more than a +minute together for private talk. During that minute I do not think I +said anything except 'Good-bye!' But I very well remember some words +Mrs. Oldcastle said. + +'You are not to forget me, if you please. Remember, I am not so dull +but what I can understand--some headaches. But they must not be +accompanied by "moody middle-age." Do please remember when the +hermitage palls that it may be left just as easily as it was found. +And then, apart from Mr. Heron and others, there will be a friend +waiting to see you in London, and--and wanting to see you.... That's +my agent, the man with the green-lined umbrella. Good-bye--friend!' + + +V + + +The _Oronta_ was a dull ship for me once she had passed Adelaide; +duller even than in the grey days between Tilbury and Naples. Adelaide +passed, an Australian-bound liner seems to have reached the end of her +outward passage, and yet it is not over. The remainder, for Melbourne, +Sydney, and Brisbane-bound folk, is apt to be a weariness, even as a +train journey is, with passengers coming and going and trunks and +boxes much in evidence. + +I had lost my friend, though I had called this my method of retaining +her friendship; and rightly, I dare say. To be worthy of her a man +should have left in him ten times my vitality, I thought; he should be +one who looked forward rather than back; he should bring to their +joint wayfaring a far keener zest for life than my years in our modern +Grub Street had left me. How vapid was the talk of my remaining +fellow-passengers; how slow of understanding, and how preoccupied with +petty things they seemed! They discussed their luggage, and questions +regarding the proper amounts for stewards' tips. Had not some +traveller called Adelaide Australia's city of culture? It seemed a +pleasant town. The Mount Lofty country near by was beautiful, I +gathered. It might well have been better for me to have left the ship +there. My musings were in this sort; somewhat lacking, perhaps, in the +zest and cheerfulness which should pertain to a new departure in life. + +I spent a few days in Sydney, chiefly given to walks through the city +and suburbs. There was a certain interest, I found, to be derived from +the noting of all the changes which a quarter of a century had wrought +in this antipodean Venice. Some of the alterations I noticed were +possibly no more than reflections of the changes time had wrought in +myself; for these--the modifications which lie between ambitious youth +and that sort of damaged middle-age which carries your dyspeptic +farther from his youth than ever his three score years and ten take +the hale man--had been radical and thorough with me. But, none the +less, Sydney's actual changes were sufficiently remarkable. + +At the spot whereon I made my entry into society (as I thought), in +the studio of Mr. Rawlence, the artist, stood now an imposing red +building of many storeys, given over, I gathered, to doctors and +dentists. The artist, I thought, was probably gathered to his fathers +ere this, as my old fellow-lodger, Mr. Smith, most certainly must have +been. Mr. Foster, the editor of the _Chronicle_, had died some years +previously. The offices and premises of Messrs. J. Canning and Son, my +first employers in Sydney, were as though I had left them but +yesterday, unchanged in any single respect. But the head of the firm, +as I had known him, was no more; and his son, of whom I caught one +glimpse on the stairway, had grown elderly, grey, and quite +surprisingly stout. + +There was some interest for me in prowling about the haunts of my +youth; but to be honest, I must admit there was no pleasure, even of +the mildly melancholy kind. However beautiful their surroundings, no +New World cities are in themselves beautiful or picturesque. That +which is new in them is--new, and well enough; and that which is not +new or newish is apt to be rather shabby than venerable. I apprehend +that Old World cities would be quite intolerably shabby and tumble-down +but for the fact that, when they were built, joint stock +companies were unknown, and men still took real pride in the +durability of their work. We have made wondrous progress, of course, +and are vastly cleverer than our forbears; but for the bulk of the +work of our hands, there is not very much to be said when its newness +has worn off. + +I thought seriously for an hour or more of going to Dursley to visit +its Omniferacious Agent, and, more particularly, perhaps to see his +wife; possibly even to settle in the neighbourhood of that pretty +little town. Then I reckoned up the years, and decided against this +step. The Omnigerentual One would be an old man, if alive; and his +wife--I recalled her fragile figure and hopeless invalidism, and +thought I would sooner cherish my recollections of five-and-twenty +years than put them to the test of inquiry. + +On the fourth or fifth day I drove with my bags to the handsome new +railway station which had taken the place of the rambling old Redfern +terminal I remembered, and took train for the north. I found I had no +wish, at present, to visit Werrina, Myall Creek, or Livorno Bay, and +my journey came to an end a full fifty miles south of St. Peter's +Orphanage. Here, within five miles of the substantial township of +Peterborough, I came, with great ease, upon the very sort of place I +had in mind: a tiny cottage of two rooms, with a good deep verandah +before, and a little lean-to kitchen, or, in the local phrase, +skillion, behind; two rough slab sheds, a few fruit trees past their +prime, an acre of paddock, and beyond that illimitable bush. + +I bought the tiny place for a hundred and five pounds, influenced +thereto in part by the fact that the daughter of its owner, a small +'cockatoo' farmer's wife, lived no more than a quarter of a mile away; +and was willing, for a modest consideration, to come in each day and +'do' for me, to the extent of cooking one hot meal, washing dishes, +and tidying my little gunyah. Thus, simply and swiftly, I became a +landed proprietor, and was able to send to Sydney for my heavy +chattels, knowing that, for the first time in my life, I actually +possessed in my own right a roof to shelter them withal, though it +were only of galvanised iron. (The use of stringy bark for the roofing +of small dwellings seemed to have ceased since my last sojourn in +these parts, the practical value of iron for rain-water catchment +having thrust aside the cooler and more picturesque material.) + +In the township of Peterborough I secured, for the time being, the +services of a decent, elderly man named Fetch--Isaiah Fetch--and +together we set to work to make a garden before my little house; to +fence it in against the attacks of bandicoots and wandering cattle, +and to effect one or two small repairs, additions and improvements to +the place. This manual work interested me, and, I dare say, bettered +my health, though I was ashamed to note the poor staying power I had +as compared with Isaiah Fetch, who, whilst fully ten years my senior, +was greatly my superior in toughness and endurance. + + +VI + + +Wages for labour had soared and soared again since my day in +Australia, even for elderly and 'down-along more than up-along 'men +like Isaiah Fetch. (The phrase is his own.) And, in any case, I told +myself, it was not for the likes of me to keep hired men. And so, when +the garden was made, and the other needed work done, I parted with +Isaiah--a good, honest, homespun creature, rich in a sort of bovine +contentment which often moved me to sincere envy--and was left quite +alone in my hermitage, save for the morning visit of perhaps a couple +of hours, which the worthy Mrs. Blades undertook to pay for the +purpose of tidying my rooms and cooking a midday meal for me. Her +coming between nine and ten each morning, and going between twelve and +one, formed the chief, if not the only, landmarks in the routine of my +quiet days. So it was when I parted with Isaiah. So it is to-day, and +so it is like to remain--while I remain. + +Parting with Isaiah Fetch made a good deal of difference to me; more +difference than I should have supposed it possible that anything +connected with so simple a soul could have made. The plain fact is, I +suppose, that while Isaiah worked about the place here, I worked with +him, in my pottering way. I developed quite an interest in my bit of +garden, because of the very genuine interest felt in the making of it +by Isaiah. I had worked at it with him; but, once he had left it, I +regret to say the ordered ranks of young vegetables tempted me but +little, and soon became disordered, for the reason that the war I +waged against the weeds was but a poor, half-hearted affair. And so it +was with other good works we had begun together. I gave up my cow, +because it seemed far simpler to let Mrs. Blades have her for nothing, +on the understanding that she brought me the daily trifle of milk I +needed. I left the feeding and care of my few fowls to Mrs. Blades, +and finally made her a present of them, after paying several bills for +their pollard and grain. It seemed easier and cheaper to let Mrs. +Blades supply the few eggs I needed. + +My horse Punch I kept, because we grew fond of each other, and the +surrounding bush afforded ample grazing for him. When Punch began his +habit of gently biting my arm or shoulder every time I led him here or +there, he sealed his own fate; and now will have to continue living +with his tamely uninteresting master willy nilly. Lovable, kindly, +spirited beast that he is, I never could have afforded the purchase of +his like but for a slight flaw in his near foreleg, which in some way +spoils his action, from your horsey man's standpoint, and pleases me +greatly, because it brought the affectionate rascal within my modest +reach. I give him very little work, and rather too much food; but he +has to put up with a good deal of my society, and holds long converse +with me daily, I suppose because he knows no means of terminating an +interview until that is my pleasure. + +One piece of outdoor work I have continued religiously, for the +reason, no doubt, that I love wood fires, even in warm weather. I +never neglect my wood-stack, the foundations of which were laid for me +by Isaiah Fetch. Every day I take axe and saw and cut a certain amount +of logwood. My hearth will take logs of just four feet in length, and +I feed it royally. The wood costs nothing; when burning it is highly +aromatic, and I like to be profuse with it; I who can recall an +interminable London winter, in a garret full of leaks and draught +holes, in which the only warming apparatus, besides the poor lamp that +lighted my writing-table, was a miserable oil-stove, which I could not +afford to keep alight except for the brief intervals during which it +boiled my kettle for me. + +Yes, I know every speck and every cranny of my cavernous hearth, and +it is rarely that it calls for any kindling wood of a morning. As a +rule a puff from the bellows and a fresh log--one of the little +fellows, no thicker than your leg, which I split for this purpose--is +enough to set it on its way flaming and glowing for another day of +comforting life. I often tell myself it would never do for me to think +of giving up my hermitage and returning to England, because of Punch +and my ever-glowing hearth; even if there were no other reasons, as of +course there are. + +For, whilst the comparative zestfulness of the first months, when I +worked with Isaiah Fetch to improve my rough-hewn little hermitage, +may not have endured, yet are there many obvious and substantial +advantages for me in the life I lead here, in this little bush +back-water, where the few human creatures who know of my existence regard +me as a poor, harmless kind of crank, and no one ever disturbs the +current of my circling thoughts. Never was a life more free from +interruptions from without. And if disturbance ever emanates from +within, why, clearly the fault must be my own, and should serve as a +reminder of how vastly uneasy my life would surely be in more +civilised surroundings, where interruptions descend upon one from +without, thick as smuts through the window of a London garret--save +where the garreteer cares to do without air. Here I sit with a noble +fire leaping at one end of my unlined, wooden room, and wide open +doors and windows all about me. As regards climate, in New South Wales +a man may come as near as may be to eating his cake and having it too. + +And, for that long-sought mental restfulness, content, peace, whatever +one may call it, is not my present task a long step towards its +attainment? A completed record of the fitful struggle one calls one's +life, calmly studied in the light of reason untrammelled by sentiment, +never interrupted by the call of affairs; surely that should bring the +full measure of self-comprehension upon which peace is based! To doubt +that contentment lies that way would be wretchedness indeed. But why +should I doubt what the world's greatest sages have shown? True, my +own experience of life has suggested that contentment is rather the +monopoly of the simplest souls, whose understanding is very limited +indeed. A stinging thought this, and apt to keep a man wakeful at +night, if indulged. But I think it should not be indulged. To doubt +the existence of a higher order of content than that of the blissfully +ignorant is to brush aside as worthless and meaningless the best that +classic literature has to offer us, and--such doubts are pernicious +things. + +Living here in this clean, sweet air, so far removed from the external +influences which make for fret and stress, my bodily health, at all +events, has small excuse for failure one would suppose. And, indeed, +at first it did seem to me that I was acquiring a more normal kind of +hardihood and working efficiency in this respect. But I regret to say +the supposition was not long-lived. Four or five months after my +arrival here I took to my bed for a fortnight, as the result of one of +the severest attacks I have ever had; and in the fifteen months which +have elapsed since then, my general health has been very much what it +was during the years before I left London, while the acute bouts of +neuritis and gastric trouble, when they have come, have been worse, I +think, than those of earlier years. + +But, none the less, without feeling it as yet, I may be building up a +better general condition in this quiet life; and the bitterly sharp +attacks that seize me may represent no more than a working off of +arrears of penalties. I hope it may be so, for persistent ill-health +is a dismal thing. But, as against that, I think I am sufficiently +philosophic--how often that blessed word is abused by disgruntled +mankind--to avoid hopes and desires of too extravagant a sort, and, by +that token, to be safeguarded from the sharper forms of +disappointment. + +Contentment depends, I apprehend, not upon obtaining possession of +this or that, but upon the wise schooling of one's desires and +requirements. My aims and desires in life--behind the achievement of +which I have always fancied I discerned Contentment sitting as a +goddess, from whose beneficent hands come all rewards--have naturally +varied with the passing years. In youth, I suppose, first place was +given to Position. Later, Art stood highest; later, again, Intellect; +then Morality; and, finally. Peace, Tranquillity--surely the most +modest, and therefore practical and hopeful of all these goals. + + +VII + + +The portion of my days here in the bush which I like best (when no +bodily ill plagues me) is the very early morning. Directly daylight +comes, while yet the sun's Australian throne is vacant--all hung about +in cool, pearly draperies--I slip a waterproof over my pyjamas, having +first rolled up the legs of these garments and thrust my feet into +rubber half-boots, and wander out across the verandah, down through +the garden patch, over the road, with its three-inch coating of sandy +dust, and into the bush beyond, where every tiny leaf and twig and +blade of grass holds treasure trove and nutriment, in the form of +glistening dewdrops. + +The early morning in the coastal belt of New South Wales is rapture +made visible and responsive to one's faculties of touch, and smell, +and hearing. And yet---no. I believe I have used the wrong word. It +would be rapture, belike, in a Devon coomb, or on a Hampshire hill-top. +Here it is hardly articulate or sprightly enough for rapture. +Rather, I should say, it is the perfection of pellucid serenity. It +lacks the full-throated eternal youthfulness of dawn in the English +countryside; but, for calmly exquisite serenity, it is matchless. To +my mind it is grateful as cold water is to a heated, tired body. It +smooths out the creases of the mind, and is wonderfully calming. Yet +it has none of the intimate, heart-stirring kindliness of England's +rural scenery. No untamed land has that. Nature may be grand, +inspiring, bracing, terrifying, what you will. She is never simply +kind and loving--whatever the armchair poets may say. A countryside +must be humanised, and that through many successive generations, +before it can lay hold upon your heart by its loving-kindness, and +draw moisture from your eyes. It is not the emotionless power of +Nature, but man's long-suffering patient toil in Nature's realm that +gives our English country-side this quality. + +But my rugged, unkempt bush here is nobly serene and splendidly calm +in the dawn hours. It makes me feel rather like an ant, but a well-doing +and unworried ant. And I enjoy it greatly. As I stride among the +drenching scrub, and over ancient logs which, before I was born, stood +erect and challenged all the winds that blow, I listen for the sound +of his bell, and then call to my friend Punch: + +'Choop! Choop! Choop, Punch! Come away, boy! Come away! Choop! Choop!' + +But not too loudly, and not at all peremptorily. For I do not really +want him to come, or, at least, not too hurriedly. That would cut my +morning pleasure short. No; I prefer to find Punch half a mile from +home, and I think the rascal knows it. For sometimes I catch glimpses +of him between the tree-trunks--we have myriads of cabbage-tree palms, +tree-ferns, and bangalow palms, among the eucalypti hereabouts--and +always, if we are less than a quarter of a mile or so from home, it is +his rounded haunches that I see, and he is walking slowly away from +me, listening to my call, and doubtless grinning as he chews his +cud--a great ruminator is my Punch. + +At other times, when it chances that dawn has found him a full half +mile from home, he does not walk away from me, but stands behind the +bole of a great tree, looking round its side, listening, waiting, and +studiously refraining from the slightest move in my direction, until I +am within twenty paces of him. Then, with a loud whinny, rather like a +child's 'Peep-bo!' in intent, I think, he will walk quickly up to me, +wishing me the top of the morning, and holding out his head for the +halter which I always carry on these occasions. + +In the first months of our acquaintance I used to clamber on to his +back forthwith, and ride home. He knows I cannot quite manage that +now, and so walks with me, rubbing at my shoulders the while with his +grass-stained, dewy lips, till we see a suitable stump or log, from +which I can conveniently mount him. Then, with occasional thrusts +round of his head to nuzzle one of my ankles, or to snatch a tempting +bit of greenery, he carries me home, and together--for he superintends +this operation with the most close and anxious care, his foreparts +well inside the feed-house--we mix his breakfast, first in an old +four-gallon oil-can, and then in the manger, and I sit beside him and +smoke a cigarette till the meal is well under weigh. + +I have made Punch something of a gourmand, and each meal has to +contain, besides its foundation of wheaten chaff and its _piece de +resistance_ of cracked maize, a flavouring of oats--say, three double +handfuls--and a thorough sprinkling, well rubbed in, of bran. If the +proportions are wrong, or any of the constituents of the meal lacking, +Punch snorts, whinnies, turns his rump to the manger, and demands my +instant attention. I was intensely amused one day when, sitting in the +slab and bark stable, through whose crevices seeing and hearing are +easy, to overhear the mail-man telling Mrs. Blades that, upon his Sam, +I was for all the world like an old maid with her canary in the way I +dry-nursed that blessed horse; by ghost, I was! He was particularly +struck, was this good man, by my insane practice of sometimes taking +Punch for a walk in the bush, as though he were a dog, and without +ever mounting him. + +Punch provided for, my own ablutions are performed in the wood-shed, +where I have learned to bathe with the aid of a sponge and a bucket of +water, and have a shower worked by a cord connected with a perforated +nail-can. By this time my billy-can is probably spluttering over the +hearth, and I make tea and toast, after possibly eating an orange. And +so the day is fairly started, and I am free to think, to read, to +write, or to enjoy idleness, after a further chat with Punch when +turning him out to graze. My wood-chopping I do either before +breakfast or towards the close of the day; the latter, I think, more +often than the former. It makes a not unpleasant salve for the +conscience of a mainly idle man, after the super-fatted luxury of +afternoon tea and a biscuit or scone. + +An Australian bushman would call my tea no more than water bewitched, +and my small pinch of China leaves in an infuser spoon but a mean +mockery of his own generous handful of black Indian leaves, well +stewed in a billy to a strength suited for hide-tanning. Of this inky +mixture he will cheerfully consume (several times a day) a quart, as +an aid to the digestion of a pound or two of corned beef, with pickles +and other deadly things, none of which seem to do him much harm. And +if they should, the result rather amuses and interests him than +otherwise; for, of all amateur doctors (and lawyers), he is the most +enthusiastic and ingenuous. He will tell you (with the emphatic winks, +nods, and gestures of a man of research who has made a wonderful +discovery, and, out of the goodness of his heart, means to let you +into the secret) of some patent medicine which is already advertised, +generally offensively, in every newspaper in the land; and, having +explained how it made a new man of him, will very likely insist with +kindly tyranny upon buying you a flagon of the costly rubbish. + +'I assure you, Mr. Freydon, you won't know yourself after takin' a +bottle or two of Simpkins's Red Marvel.' I agree cordially, well +assured that in such a case I should not care to know myself. 'Why, +there was a chap down Sydney way, Newtown I think it was he lived in, +or it mighter bin Balmain. Crooil bad he was till they put him on to +the Red Marvel. Fairly puzzled the doctors, he did, an' all et up with +sores, somethin' horrible. Well, I tell you, I wouldn't be without a +bottle in my camp. Sooner go without 'baccy. An', not only that, but +it's such comfortin' stuff is the Red Marvel. Every night o' my life I +takes a double dose of it now; sick or sorry, well or ill--an' look at +me! I useter to swear by Blick's Backache Pills; but now, I wouldn't +have them on me mind. They're no class at all, be this stuff. Give me +Simpkins's Red Marvel, every time, an' I don't care if it snows! You +try it, Mr. Freydon. I was worsen you afore I struck it; an' now, why, +I wouldn't care to call the Queen me aunt!' (His father before him, in +Queen Victoria's reign, had no doubt used this quaint phrase, and it +was not for him to alter it because of any such trifling episodes as +the accession of other sovereigns.) + + +VIII + + +I gladly abide by my word of yesterday. The portion of my days here in +the bush which I like best is the dawn time. But the nights have their +good, and--well--and their less good times, too. My evening meal is +apt to be sketchy. There is a special vein of laziness in me which +makes me shirk the setting out of plates and cutlery, and, even more, +their removal when used; despite the fact that I have had, perhaps, +rather more experience than most men of catering for myself. Hence, +the evening meal is apt to be sketchy; a furtive and far from +creditable performance, with the vessels of the midday meal for its +background. + +Then, with a sense of relief, I shut the door upon that episode, and +the evidences thereof, and betake me to the room which is really mine; +where the big hearth is, and the camp-bed, and the writing-table, the +books, and the big Ceylon-made lounge-chair. The first evening pipe is +nearly always good; the second may be flavoured with melancholy, but +yet is seldom unpleasing. The third--there are decent intervals +between--bears me company in bed, with whatever book may be occupying +me at the time. The first hour in the big chair and the first hour in +bed are both exceedingly good when I am anything like well. I would +not say which is the better of the two, lest I provoke a Nemesis. Both +are excellent in their different ways. + +Nine times out of ten I can be asleep within half an hour of dousing +the candle, and it is seldom I wake before three hours have passed. +After that come hours of which it is not worth while to say much. They +are far from being one's best hours. And then, more often than not, +will come another blessed two hours, or even more, of unconsciousness, +before the first purple grey forecasts of a new day call me out into +the bush for my morning lesson in serenity: Nature's astringent +message to egoists and all the sedentary, introspective tribe, that +bids us note our own infinite insignificance, our utter and +microscopical unimportance in her great scheme of things, and her +sublime indifference to our individual lives; to say nothing of our +insectile hopes, fears, imaginings, despairs, joys, and other forms of +mental and emotional travail. + +It may or may not be evidence of mental exhaustion or indolence, but I +notice that I have experienced here no inclination to read anything +that is new to me. I have read a good deal under this roof, including +a quite surprising amount of fiction; but nothing, I think, that I had +not read before. During bouts of illness here, I have indulged in such +debauches as the rereading of the whole of Hardy, Meredith, Stevenson, +W. E. Henley's poems, and the novels of George Gissing, Joseph Conrad, +and H. G. Wells. Some of the better examples of modern fiction have +always had a special topographical appeal to me. I greatly enjoy the +work of a writer who has set himself to treat a given countryside +exhaustively. This, more even than his masterly irony, his philosophy, +his remarkable fullness of mind and opulent allusiveness, has been at +the root of the immense appeal Hardy's work makes to me. ('Q,' in a +different measure, of course, makes a similar appeal.) Let the Wessex +master forsake his countryside, or leave his peasants for gentlefolk, +and immediately my interest wanes, his wonderful appeal fails. + +Since I have been here in the bush I have understood, as never before, +the great and far-reaching popularity of Thomas Hardy's work among +Americans. He gives so much which not all the wealth, nor all the +genius of that inventive race, can possibly evolve out of their New +World. But, upon the whole, I ought not to have brought my fine, tall +rank of Hardy's here, still less to have pored over them as I have. +There is that second edition of _Far From the Madding Crowd_ now, with +its delicious woodcuts by H. Paterson. It is dated 1874--I was a boy +then, newly arrived in this antipodean land--and the frontispiece +shows Gabriel Oak soliciting Bathsheba: 'Do you happen to want a +shepherd, ma'am?' No, I cannot say my readings of Hardy have been good +for me here. There is _Jude the Obscure_ now, a masterpiece of +heart-bowing tragedy that. And, especially insidious in my case, there +are passages like this from that other tragedy in the idyllic vein, +_The Woodlanders_: + +_Winter in a solitary house in the country, without society, is +tolerable, nay, even enjoyable and delightful, given certain +conditions; but these are not the conditions which attach to the life +of a professional man who drops down into such a place by mere +accident.... They are old association--an almost exhaustive +biographical or historical acquaintance with every object, animate and +inanimate, within the observer's horizon. He must know all about those +invisible ones of the days gone by, whose feet have traversed the +fields which look so grey from his windows; recall whose creaking +plough has turned those sods from time to time; whose hands planted +the trees that form a crest to the opposite hill; whose horses and +hounds have torn through that underwood; what birds affect that +particular brake; what bygone domestic dramas of love, jealousy, +revenge, or disappointment have been enacted in the cottages, the +mansions, the street, or on the green. The spot may have beauty, +grandeur, salubrity, convenience; but if it lack memories it will +ultimately pall upon him who settles there without opportunity of +intercourse with his kind._ + +No, that was not discreet reading for a dyspeptic man of letters, +alone in a two-roomed gunyah in the midst of virgin bush, in a land +where the respectably old dates back a score of years, the historic, +say, fifty years, and 'the mists of antiquity' a bare century. One +recollection inevitably aroused by such a passage brought to mind +words comparatively recent, spoken by Mrs. Oldcastle: + +'In the Old World, even for a man who lives alone on a mountain-top, +there is more of intellectuality--in the very atmosphere, in the +buildings and roads, the hedges and the ditches--than the best cities +of the New World have to offer.' + +Quite apart from its grimly ironic philosophy, the topography, the +earthy quality--'take of English earth as much as either hand may +rightly clutch'--of the Wessex master's work makes it indigestible +reading for an exile of more than thirty or forty; unless, of course, +he is of the fine and robust type, whose minds and constitutions +function with the steadiness of a good chronometer, warranted for all +climes and circumstances. + +But this mention of Hardy reminds me of a curious literary coincidence +which I stumbled upon a few months ago. For me, at all events, it was +a discovery. I was reading, quite idly, the story which should long +since have been dramatised for the stage, _The Trumpet Major_, +written, if I mistake not, in the early 'nineties. I came to chapter +xxiii., which opens in this wise: + +_Christmas had passed. Dreary winter with dark evenings had given +place to more dreary winter with light evenings. Rapid thaws had ended +in rain, rain in wind, wind in dust. Showery days had come--the season +of pink dawns and white sunsets...._ + +This reading was part of my Hardy debauch. A week or two earlier I had +been reading what I think was his first book, written a quarter of a +century before _The Trumpet Major_. I refer to _Desperate Remedies_; +with all its faults, an extraordinarily full and finished production +for a first book. Now, with curiosity in my very finger-tips, I turned +over the pages of this volume, reread no more than a week previously. +I came presently upon chapter xii., and, following upon its first +sentence, read these words: + +_Christmas had passed; dreary winter with dark evenings had given +place to more dreary winter with light evenings. Thaws had ended in +rain, rain in wind, wind in dust. Showery days had come--the period of +pink dawns and white sunsets...._ + +That (with a quarter of a century, the writing of many books, and the +building up of a justly great and world-wide reputation between the +two writings) strikes me as a singular, and, in a way, pleasing +literary coincidence; singular, as a freak of subconscious memory for +words, pleasing, as a verification in mature life of the writer's +comparatively youthful observations of natural phenomena. I wonder if +the author, or any others among his almost innumerable readers, have +chanced to light upon this particular coincidence! + +Another writer of fiction, whose bent of mind, if sombre, was far from +devoid of ironical humour, has occupied a deal of my leisure here--George +Gissing. I rank him very high among the Victorian novelists. +His work deserves a higher place than it is usually accorded by the +critics. He was a fine story-teller, and for me (though their +topographical appeal is not, perhaps, very obvious) his books are very +closely packed with living human interest. But again, for such an one +as myself, so situated, I would not say that a course of Gissing +formed particularly wholesome or digestible reading. Here, for +example, is a passage associated in my recollection with a night which +was among the worst I have spent in this place: + +_He thought of the wretched millions of mankind to whom life is so +barren that they must needs believe in a recompense beyond the grave. +For that he neither looked nor longed. The bitterness of his lot was +that this world might be a sufficing Paradise to him, if only he could +clutch a poor little share of current coin...._ + +No, for such folk as I, that was not good reading. But--and let this +be my tribute to an author who won my very sincere esteem and +respect--when morning had come, after a bad night, and I had had my dawn +lesson from Nature, and my converse with Punch, I turned me to another +volume of Gissing, and with a quieter mind read this: + +_Below me, but far off, is the summer sea, still, silent, its ever +changing blue and green dimmed at the long limit with luminous noon-tide +mist. Inland spreads the undulant vastness of the sheep-spotted +downs; beyond them the tillage and the woods of Sussex weald, coloured +like to the pure sky above them, but in deeper tint. Near by, all but +hidden among trees in yon lovely hollow, lies an old, old hamlet, its +brown roofs decked with golden lichen; I see the low church tower, and +the little graveyard about it. Meanwhile, high in the heaven, a lark +is singing. It descends, it drops to its nest, and I could dream that +half the happiness of its exultant song was love of England...._ + +That is his little picture of a recollection of summer. And then, +returning to his realities of the moment, this miscalled 'savage' +pessimist and 'pitiless realist' continues thus: + +_It is all but dark. For a quarter of an hour I must have been writing +by a glow of firelight reflected on my desk; it seemed to me the sun +of summer. Snow is still falling. I can see its ghostly glimmer +against the vanishing sky. To-morrow it will be thick upon my garden, +and perchance for several days. But when it melts, when it melts, it +will leave the snow-drop. The crocus, too, is waiting, down there +under the white mantle which warms the earth._ + +But I would not say that even this was well-chosen reading for me--here +in my bush hermitage--any more than is that masterpiece of +Kipling's later concentration, _An Habitation Enforced_, followed by +its inimitable _Recall_: + + _I am the land of their fathers, + In me the virtue stays; + I will bring back my children + After certain days. + + * * * * * + + Till I make plain the meaning + Of all my thousand years-- + Till I fill their hearts with knowledge, + While I fill their eyes with tears._ + +No, nor yet, despite its healing potency in its own place, the same +master craftsman's counsel to the whole restless, uneasy, sedentary +brood among his countrymen: + + _Take of English earth as much + As either hand may rightly clutch, + In the taking of it breathe + Prayer for all who lie beneath-- + Lay that earth upon your heart, + And your sickness shall depart! + It shall mightily restrain + Over busy hand and brain, + Till thyself restored shall prove + By what grace the heavens do move._ + +None of these good things are wholly good for me, here and now, +because--because, for example, they recall a prophecy of Mrs. +Oldcastle's, and the grounds upon which she based it. + +Who should know better than I, that if my life-long mental +restlessness chances, when I am less well than usual, or darkness is +upon me, to take the form of nostalgia, with clinging, pulling +thoughts of England--never of the London I knew so well, but always of +the rural England I knew so little, from actual personal experience, +yet loved so well--who should know better than I (sinning against the +light in the writing of this unpardonably involved sentence) that such +restlessness, such nostalgia, are no more based upon reason than is a +bilious headache. The philosopher should, and does, scorn such an itch +of the mind, well knowing that were he foolish enough to let it affect +his actions or guide his conduct he would straightway cease to be a +philosopher, and become instead a sort of human shuttlecock, for ever +tossing here and there, from pillar to post, under the unreasoning +blows of that battledore which had been his mind. Nay, rather the +strappado for me, at any time, than abandonment to foolishness so +crass as this would be. + +Over and above all this I deliberately chose my 'way out,' and it is +good. I am assured the life of this my hermitage is one better suited +to the man I am to-day than any other life I could hope to lead +elsewhere. The mere thought of such a fate as a return to the +maelstrom of London journalism--is it not a terror to me, and a thing +to chill the heart like ice? Here is peace all about me, at all +events, and never a semblance of pretence or sham. And if I, my inner +self, cannot find peace here, where peace so clearly is, what should +it profit me to go seeking it where peace is not visible at all, and +where all that is visible is turmoil, hurry, and fret? + +Australia is a good land. Its bush is beautiful; its men and women are +sterling and kindly, and its children more blessed (even though, +perhaps, rather more indulged) than the children of most other lands. +For the wage-earner who earns his living by his hands, and purposes +always to do so, I deliberately think this is probably the best +country in all the world. It is his own country. He rules it in every +sense of the word; and there is no class, institution, or individual +exercising any mastery over him. Millionaires are scarce here, and so +perhaps are men brilliant in any direction. But really poor folk, +hungry folk, folk who must fight for bare sustenance, are not merely +scarce--they are unknown in this land. + +That is a great thing to be able to say for any country, and surely +one which should materially affect the peace of mind of every thinking +creature in it. Whilst very human, and hence by no means perfect, the +people of this country have about them a pervasive kindliness, which +is something finer than simple good nature and hospitality. The people +as a whole are sincerely possessed by guiding ideals of kindness and +justice. The means by which they endeavour to bring about realisation +of their ideals are, I believe, fundamentally wrong and mistaken in a +number of cases. Their 'ruling' class is naturally new to the task of +ruling, recruited as it is from trade union ranks. But they truly +desire, as a people, that every person in their midst should be given +a fair, sporting chance in life. 'A fair thing!' In three words one +has the national ideal, and who shall say that it is not an admirable +one, remembering that its foundation and mainspring are kindness, and +if not justice, then desire for justice? + +'All this is very worthy, no doubt, but deadly dull. Does it not make +for desperate attenuation on the artistic and intellectual side? +Beautifully level and even, I dare say; like a paving stone, and about +as interesting.' + +Thus, my old friend Heron in a recent letter. The dear fellow would +smile if I told him he was a member of England's privileged classes. +But it is true, of course. Well, Australia has no privileged classes--and +no submerged class. I admit that the highest artistic and +intellectual levels of the New World are greatly lower than the +highest artistic and intellectual levels of the Old World. But what of +the average level, speaking of the populace as a whole? How infinitely +higher are Australia's lowest levels than the depths, the ultimate pit +in Merry England! + +I am an uneasy, restless creature, mentally and bodily. I have not +quite finished as yet the task, deliberation upon which, when it is +completed, is to bring me rest and self-understanding. Vague hungers +by the way are incidents of no more permanent importance than one's +periodical colds in the head. To complain of intellectual barrenness +in any given environment must surely be to confess intellectual +barrenness in the complainant. I am well placed here in my bush +hermitage. And, in short, _Je suis, je reste!_ + + +IX + + +It is just thirteen days since I sat down before these papers, pen in +hand; thirteen days since I wrote a word. A few months ago I suppose +such delay would have worried me a good deal. To-day, for some reason, +the fact seems quite unimportant, and does not distress me in the +least. Have I then advanced so far towards self-comprehension as to +have attained content of mind? Or is this merely the mental lethargy +which follows bodily weakness and exhaustion? I do not know. + +I have been ill again. It is a nuisance having to send for a doctor, +because his fees are extremely high, and he has to come a good long +way. Also, I do not think the good man's visits are of the slightest +service to me. I have been living for twelve days exclusively upon +milk; a healing diet, I dare say, but I have come to weary of the +taste and sight of it, and its effect upon me is the reverse of +stimulation. But I am in no wise inclined to cavil, for I am entirely +free from pain at the moment; the weather is perfectly glorious, and +my neighbours, Blades and his wife, are in their homely fashion +extremely kind to me. + +My one source of embarrassment is that Ash, the timber-getter in the +camp across the creek, is continually bringing me expensive bottles of +Simpkins's Red Marvel, his genuine kindness necessitating not only +elaborate pretences of regularly consuming his pernicious specific for +every human ill, from consumption and 'bad legs' to snake-bites, but +also periodical discussions with him of all my confounded symptoms--a +topic which wearies me almost to tears. Indeed, I prefer the symptoms +of Ash's friend in Newtown--or was it Balmain?--who was 'all et up +with sores, something horrible.' + +Notwithstanding the brilliant sunshine and cloudless skies of this +month, the weather has been exquisitely fresh and cool, and my log +fire has never once been allowed to go out, Blades, with the kindness +of a man who can respect another's fads, having kept me richly +supplied with logs. Mrs. Blades has been feeding Punch for me, and at +least twice each day that genial rascal has neighed long and loudly at +the slip-rails by the stable, as I believe in friendly greeting to me. +I shall, no doubt, presently feel strong enough to walk out and have a +talk with Punch. + +My last letter from Mrs. Oldcastle, written no more than a month ago--the +mail service to Australia is improving--tells me that the park in +London is looking lovely, all gay with spring foliage and blooms. She +says that unless I intend being rude enough to falsify her prophecy, I +must now be preparing to pack my bags and book my passage home. Home! +Well, Ash, whose father like himself was born here, calls England +'Home,' I find. This is one of the most lovable habits of the children +of our race all over the world. + +But obviously it would be a foolish and stultifying thing for me to +think of leaving my hermitage. I am not rich enough to indulge in what +folk here call 'A trip Home.' And as for finally withdrawing from my +'way out,' and returning to settle in England, how could such a step +possibly be justified upon practical grounds? The circumstances which +led me to leave England are fundamentally as they were. Mrs. +Oldcastle-- But all that was thoroughly thought out before she left +the _Oronta_ at Adelaide; and to-day I am less--less able, shall I +say, than I was then? + +It is singular that these few days in bed should have stolen so much +of my strength. The mere exertion, if that it may be called, of +writing these few lines leaves me curiously exhausted; yet they have +been written extraordinarily slowly for me. My London life made me a +quick writer. I wonder if leisure and ease of mind would have made me +a good one! + +I shall lay these papers aside for another day. Perhaps even for two +or three days. Blades has kindly moved my bed for me to the side of +the best window, which faces north-east; in the Antipodes, a very +pleasant aspect. I shall not actually 'go to bed' again in the day-time, +but I think I will lie on the bed beside that open window. +Sitting upright at the table here I feel, not pain, but a kind of +aching weakness which I escape when lying down. + +And yet, though not worried about it, I am rather sorry still farther to +neglect this desultory task of mine, even for a day or two. The tree-tops +are tossing bravely in the westerly wind this morning, and it is well +that my banana clump has all the shelter of the gunyah, or its graceful +leaves would suffer. The big cabbage palm outside the verandah makes a +curious, dry, parchment-like crackling in the wind. But the three +silver tree-ferns have a cool, swishing note, very pleasing to the +ear; while for the bush trees beyond, theirs is the steady music of +the sea on a sandy beach. I fancy this wind must be a shade too +boisterous to be good for Blades's orange orchard. At all events it +brings a strong citrus scent this way, after bustling across the side +of Blades's hill. + +There can be no doubt about it that this mine hermitage is very +beautifully situated. Any man of discernment should be well content +here to bide. The air about me is full of a nimble sweetness, and as +utterly free from impurity as the air one breathes in mid-ocean. More, +it is impregnated by the tonic perfumes of all the myriad aromatic +growths that surround my cottage. Men say the Australian bush is +singularly soulless; starkly devoid of the elements of interest and +romance which so strongly endear to the hearts of those dwelling there +the countryside in such Old World lands as the England of my birth. +Maybe. Yet I have met men, both native-born and alien-born, who have +dearly loved Australia; loved the land so well as to return to it, +even after many days. + +England! Of all the place names, the names of countries that the world +has known, was ever one so simply magic as this--England? Surely not. +How the tongue caresses it! In the past it has always seemed to me +that the question of a man's place of birth was infinitely more +significant and important than the mere matter of where he died, of +where his bones were laid. And yet, even that matter of the +resting-place for a man's bones.... Undoubtedly, there is magic in +English earth. England! Thank God I was born in England! + + + + +EDITOR'S NOTE + + +Here the written record of my friend's life ends, though it clearly +was not part of his design that this should be its end. Thanks to Mrs. +Blades, I have a record of the date of Freydon's last writing. It came +two days before his own end. He died alone, and, by the estimate of +the doctor from Peterborough, at about daybreak. The doctor thought it +likely that he passed away in his sleep; of all ends, the one he would +have chosen. + +So far as my own observation informs me, the death of Nicholas Freydon +was noted by no more than three English journals: two of the oldest +morning newspapers in London, and that literary weekly which, despite +the commercial fret and fume of our time, has so far preserved itself +from the indignity of any attempted blending of books with +haberdashery or 'fancy goods.' Had Freydon died in England, I +apprehend that a somewhat larger circle of newspaper readers might +have been advertised of the fact. But I would not willingly be +understood to suggest any kind of reproach in this. + +It would probably be correct to say that the writings of Nicholas +Freydon never have reached the many-headed public, whose favour gives +an author's name weight in circulating libraries and among the +gentlemen of 'The Trade.' He had no illusions on this point, and of +late years at all events cherished no dreams of fame or immortality. +But it is equally correct to say that he was genuinely a man of +letters, and there is a circle of more or less fastidious readers who +are aware that everything published under Freydon's name was, from the +literary standpoint, worth while. + +For me the news of Freydon's end had something more than literary +significance. There was a period during which we shared an office +room, and I recall with peculiar satisfaction the fact that it was no +kind of friction or difficulty between us which brought an end to that +working companionship. The much longer period over which our +friendship extended was marred by no quarrel, nor even by any lapse +into mutual indifference. And it may be admitted, in all affectionate +respect, that Freydon was not exactly of those who are said to 'get on +with any one.' + +In the matter of my own recent journey to Australia, the thing which I +looked forward to with keenest interest was the opportunity I thought +it would afford me of seeing and talking with Freydon, in his chosen +retreat in the Antipodes, and judging of his welfare there. And then, +on the eve of my departure, came the news that he was no more. + +Under the modest roof which had sheltered him, on the coast of +northern New South Wales, I presently spent two quiet and thoughtful +weeks, given for the most part to the perusal of his papers, which, +along with his other personal effects, he had bequeathed to me. (His +remaining property was left to the friend whose name is given here as +Sidney Heron.) + +Before I left that lonely, sunny spot, I had practically decided to +pass on to such members of the reading world as might be interested +therein what seemed to me the more salient and important of these +papers: the bulky document which forms a record of its writer's life. +Afterwards, as was inevitable, came much reflection, and at times some +hesitancy. But, when all is done, and the proof sheets lie before me, +my conviction is that I decided rightly out there in the bush; and +that something is inherent in these last writings of Nicholas +Freydon's which, properly understood, demands and deserves the test of +publication. Therefore, they are made available to the public, in the +belief that some may be the richer and the kindlier for reading them. + +But, for revising, altering, dove-tailing, or shaping these papers, +with a view to the attainment of an orthodox form of literary +production, whether in the guise of autobiography, life-story, +dramatic fiction, or what not, I desire explicitly to disclaim all +thought of such a pretension. As I see it, that would have been an +impertinence. I cannot claim to know what Freydon's intentions may +have been regarding the ultimate disposition of these papers, having +literally no other information on the point than they themselves +furnish. Needless to say they would not be published now if I had any +kind of reason to believe, or to suspect, that my friend would have +resented such a course. + +But I will say that, in the writing, I do not think Freydon had +considered the question of publication. I do not think that in these +last exercises of his pen he wrote consciously for the printer and the +public. As those who know his published work are aware, he was much +given to literary allusiveness and to quotation. In these papers such +characteristic pages did occur, it is true, but in practically every +case they had been scrawled over in pencil, and have been studiously +omitted by me in my preparation of the manuscript for the press. Here +and there it was clear that entire pages had been removed and +apparently destroyed by their writer. + +Again, in this record, Freydon--always in his writings for the press, +literary and journalistic, meticulous in the matter of constructive +detail--clearly gave no thought to the arrangement of chapters or +other divisions. He wrote of his life, as he has said, to enable +himself to see it as a whole. For my part I have felt a natural +delicacy about intruding so far as to introduce chapter headings or +the like. It was easy for me to note the points at which the writer +had laid aside his pen, presumably at the day's end, for there a +portion of a sheet was left blank, and sometimes a zig-zag line was +drawn. At these points then, where the writer himself paused, I have +allowed the pause to appear. And this, in effect, represents the sum +of my small contribution to the volume; for I have altered nothing, +added nothing, and taken nothing away, beyond those previously +mentioned passages (literary rather than documentary) which the +author's own pencil had marked for deletion; the removal, where these +occurred, of references to myself; and the substitution, where that +seemed desirable, of imaginary proper names for the names of actual +places and living people as written by my friend. + +Two other points, and the task which for me has certainly been a +labour of love, is done. + +Nicholas Freydon was perfectly correct in his belief that he might +have wooed and won the lady who is referred to in these pages as Mrs. +Oldcastle. In this, as in other episodes of his life which happen to +be known to me, the motives behind his self-abnegation were in the +highest degree creditable to him. This I have been asked to say, and I +am glad to say it. + +Among Freydon's papers was one which, for a time, greatly puzzled me. +Once I had learned precisely what this paper meant, it became for me +most deeply significant, knowing as I did that it must have been lying +where I found it, in a drawer of Freydon's work-table, while he wrote, +immediately before his last illness, the final sections of this work, +including its penultimate chapter; including, therefore, such passages +as these: + +_Over and above all this I deliberately chose my 'way out,' and it is +good. I am assured the life of this my hermitage is one better suited +to the man I am to-day than any other life I could hope to lead +elsewhere.... And if I, my inner self, cannot find peace here, where +peace so clearly is, what should it profit me to go seeking it where +peace is not visible at all, and where all that is visible is turmoil, +hurry, and fret.... And, in short, _Je suis, je reste!_ ... England! +Of all the place names, the names of countries that the world has ever +known, was ever one so simply magic as this--England? ..._ + +This document was a certificate entitling Freydon to a passage to +England by an Orient line steamer. Upon inquiry at the offices of the +line in Sydney, I found that, twenty-eight days before his death, my +friend had booked and paid for a passage to London. At his request no +berth had been allotted, and no date fixed. But, by virtue of the +payment then made, he was assured of a passage home when he should +choose to claim it. To my mind this discovery was one of peculiar +interest, considered in the light of the concluding pages of that +record of Nicholas Freydon's thoughts and experiences which is +presented in this volume. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RECORD OF NICHOLAS FREYDON*** + + +******* This file should be named 30704.txt or 30704.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/7/0/30704 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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