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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sweet Girl Graduates, by Rea Woodman
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Sweet Girl Graduates
+
+Author: Rea Woodman
+
+Release Date: March 4, 2010 [EBook #31506]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES
+
+by Rea Woodman
+
+Price 35 cents
+
+Eldridge Entertainment House
+
+Franklin, Ohio
+
+also
+
+Denver, Colorado
+
+844 South Logan St.
+
+
+
+
+THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES
+
+A FARCE
+
+In Three Acts and an Epilogue
+
+BY REA WOODMAN, M.A.
+
+Author of "She Organized a Club," "The Master's Birthday,"
+and "The Professor."
+
+Copyright, 1902, by Rea Woodman.
+
+Eldridge Entertainment House
+
+FRANKLIN, OHIO
+
+
+
+
+To My Own Boys and Girls, The Class of 1902
+
+
+
+
+SYNOPSIS
+
+ACT. I.
+    Sitting Room of the De Smythe Home.
+    Wednesday Morning at 10 o'clock.
+    "We'll have the prettiest frock if it breaks the R. I. P. R. R.!"
+
+ACT. II.
+    Sitting Room of the De Smythe Home.
+    Thursday afternoon at 3 o'clock.
+    "Deep, deep are the meanings of life."
+
+ACT. III.
+    Hallway of the De Smythe Home.
+    Friday Morning at 9 o'clock.
+    "Mr. Bulbus, the lilies are lovely."
+
+EPILOGUE.
+    Dining Room in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jack Hamilton.
+    A Friday Morning in May, 1905.
+    "Therefore, Valeria squints."
+
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+Miss Maude De Smythe, The Sweet Girl,
+  Secretary of the Class of 1902.
+
+Mrs. De Smythe, Her Mother,
+  Who is threatened with nervous prostration.
+
+Mr. De Symthe, Her Father,
+  President of the R. I. P. Railroad.
+
+Mr. Jack Hamilton, Her Beau,
+  President of the Class of 1902.
+
+Miss Matilda Hoppenhoer, Her Aunt,
+  Who never graduated, thank Heaven!
+
+Miss Valeria Reynolds, Her Dearest Friend,
+  Whom she loves very much.
+
+_Madam_ Sateene, Her Dressmaker.
+
+_Madam_ Rantum, Her Elocution Teacher, (late of the Boston School.)
+
+Professor Grindem, Principal of the High School.
+
+Mr. Chinese Bulbus, The Florist.
+
+_Katherine_, The Maid.
+
+
+
+
+ACT I.
+
+
+(Sitting-room of the DeSmythe home; "confusion worse confounded;"
+everything topsy-turvy. Mrs. DeSmythe on couch; Madam Sateene and she
+looking over lace samples, of which they have a great number. Madam in
+"swell" street costume.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (tossing samples in a heap). There's positively nothing
+like it! Nothing anywhere near it!
+
+_Madam_ No, and nothing that can be used.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (snatching a bit of lace from the heap). There! That's a
+lover's knot pattern. Why, it--
+
+_Madam_ No, that's a sailor's knot. There is a great difference.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (vaguely). I don't see it.
+
+_Madam_ (patiently). You see the loop in this bends down and in this, it
+bends--goes up. Every difference in the world, my dear Mrs. De
+Smythe.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (meekly, but convinced). Wouldn't it do? All bunched up?
+
+_Madam_ But it is not to be bunched up!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (with a profound sigh). What can we do? And I threatened
+with an attack!
+
+_Madam_ I don't know! (rises, sits down, then groans). I am at my wit's
+end. Let me think.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (with an inspiration). Take the lace off!
+
+_Madam_ (crushingly). My dear Mrs. De Smythe, the gown is modelled for
+lace.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (helplessly). Oh!
+
+(Madam sits in brown study, tapping her forehead.)
+
+_Madam_ Let me see; Wednesday morning. (looks at watch). Ten o'clock. It
+might be done. Practically two days. (sits staring at wall). No, it
+couldn't! We might use chiffon.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Maude hates chiffon.
+
+_Madam_ (with professional coldness). Chiffon is a very artistic
+trimming.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (wearily). It may be--it may be, but you know Maude.
+
+(Enter Miss Hoppenhoer.)
+
+_Miss H._ (looks around; sniffs at the untidiness). Jennie, you look
+ready to faint!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Sit down. Don't stand there like--a--wooden Indian!
+
+_Miss H._ They don't keel over every few minutes, anyhow! (sits with a
+thud). You look ready to faint!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ I feel ready to faint; the lace has given out.
+
+_Miss H._ (picking up things). The lace--?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (with infinite patience). The lace, you know, for Maude's
+dress.
+
+_Miss H._ (blankly). Eh--what dress?
+
+_Madam_ (in polite surprise). Why, Miss Hoppenhoer, what dress?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (shrilly). What dress,--oh, Matilda!
+
+_Miss H._ (commencing to "straighten" room in earnest). Oh, is that all?
+I thought the President had been assassinated!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Matilda! I must say you don't seem much interested. I
+should think you would,--your own niece, too!
+
+_Miss H._ (tragically). Look at this room,--look at this room! It is a
+disgrace to a Christian community! Think of the breakfast we had--or
+rather, that we didn't have! And yesterday! And now you down
+sick--down sick! Does it take a month to graduate? (dusts an
+upholstered chair vigorously). It's such (bang) such non-(bang)
+nonsense!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Nonsense to graduate! Matilda Hoppenhoer! Do stop
+thrashing about! Ugh, that dust! (coughs weakly). Katherine will do
+that.
+
+_Miss H._ (pounding sofa cushions). Katherine is busy; she has ten miles
+of flutin' to flute!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (coughing). Well, stop, anyway! My nerves are bad today.
+
+_Miss H._ You are worn out. We're all as cross as bears!
+
+_Madam_ (emerging from a brown study). What shall I do? And only a yard
+needed! I think chiffon--
+
+_Miss H._ (straightening out a rug). Use ribbon.
+
+_Madam_ (with dignity). They used ribbon last year.
+
+_Miss H._ Fringe, then,--fringe is very dressy.
+
+_Madam_ They used fringe two years ago.
+
+_Miss H._ (snapping her up). Well, what's the idea? To use something
+that hasn't never been used?
+
+(Maude comes in, breathless.)
+
+_Maude_ (sitting down hard). Goodness, I'm tired! Auntie, your grammar
+is bad--very bad. What are you doing?
+
+_Miss H._ (sarcastically). Getting you ready to graduate.
+
+_Maude_ (peeling off her gloves). Well sir, I've just been racing
+around! O, Valeria's going to have chiffon.
+
+_Madam_ (dramatically). Chiffon!
+
+_Maude_ (tossing her hat on the floor). Yes, and it's awfully pretty.
+
+_Madam_ Chiffon! Is she? (Sits, from sheer weakness.)
+
+_Maude_ (beginning to undo sundry packages). Yes, and--why, what's the
+matter?
+
+_Madam_ (gasping). Chiffon!
+
+_Maude_ (a light dawning). Am I? Am I?
+
+_Miss H._ (winding yarn into a ball). Am you what? Sit down, child, sit
+down, you look like a statute!
+
+_Maude_ Am I to have chiffon?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (firmly). You are.
+
+_Maude_ We can't both have chiffon! I won't be a copy-tale! I won't!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (sitting erect and speaking with authority). Listen,
+dearie. The lace has given out.
+
+_Maude_ (stamping her foot). Get more!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We can't.
+
+_Madam_ And the gown is so modelled that we can use nothing else.
+
+_Maude_ I won't have chiffon! I won't--I won't--I won't.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (warningly). Do not let Madame Sateene see you in a
+passion.
+
+_Maude_ Madam would be in a passion herself! She knows how I feel! O
+dear! (begins to sob). Everything is going wrong! I w-w-won't
+graduate, so there now!
+
+_Miss H._ (mounting a chair to straighten a picture). That's sensible!
+You needn't. I never did.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Matilda, do not encourage the child! Of course she must
+graduate. Everybody does.
+
+_Miss H._ (sarcastically). If everybody stood on their heads, I suppose
+we'd have to!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ You cannot judge in such matters, Matilda. You are very
+old-fashioned.
+
+_Miss H._ (upsetting contents of work basket in lap). Maybe so, maybe
+so, but I am alive, and that child'll be dead if--
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (holds her head). Matilda, for heaven's sake, stop!
+
+_Maude_ I'll telephone Valeria. May be she--
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (with decision). Maude, sit down! You will do nothing of
+the sort. Mrs. Reynolds is such a talker! The whole town would know it
+in ten minutes. Besides, at the Tuesday Club she cut me--actually
+cut me! I will not permit it.
+
+_Maude_ I don't think that ought to count, now. I suppose I have to have
+something to wear.
+
+_Madam_ What do you say to a Paris muslin?
+
+_Maude_ (listlessly). What is a Paris muslin?
+
+_Madam_ A sort of fine organdie.
+
+_Maude_ Swell?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Maudie! Would Madam Sateene propose anything else? She
+doesn't want you to look like a fright. Now, I think,--(pauses,
+listening). Why there is papa's voice!
+
+_Maude_ Papa, bless his old bones! Papa, come in here, quick! Hurry up!
+
+(Mr. De Smythe comes in hastily.)
+
+_Mr. De S._ What is it--what is it? Is Mamma worse?
+
+_Maude_ (in tragic attitude). I can't graduate!
+
+_Mr. De S._ (with profound astonishment). Can't graduate? Can't
+graduate? Didn't you pass?
+
+_Maude_ (scornfully). Pass! That doesn't matter! My dress, my dress, my
+dress!
+
+_Mr. De S._ (immensely relieved). Oh, your dress! Isn't it fine enough?
+
+_Madam_ Why, you see, Mr. De Smythe, the--
+
+_Maude_ (sobbing and clinging to his neck). I got to have chiffon, ugly,
+limp, old chiffon! It is so--so--d--drabbled!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Well, never mind! Hus-s-h! You'll make Mamma worse. You
+needn't graduate! Never mind.
+
+_Maude_ Oh, oh!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Never mind, little girl, you needn't graduate! Never mind!
+
+_Maude_ Oh, I--I must. The presents are coming in.
+
+_Miss H._ (shortly). Return 'em.
+
+_Maude_ You wouldn't, if they were yours! You know you wouldn't! Oh,
+you're all so mean!
+
+_Madam_ (soothingly). Let's have Paris muslin. It'll be lovely.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ It's too stiff.
+
+_Miss H._ And sounds too furrin! Haven't we got any American muslin? I'd
+rather wear gunny sack.
+
+_Mr. De S._ Hurrah for Matilda! A female Patrick Henry!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Papa, don't speak so loud!
+
+_Mr. De S._ (contritely). I beg your pardon, Mamma,--your poor head!
+
+_Maude_ I want something pretty! Not--not just--just any old thing!
+
+_Madam_ (with awful dignity). Paris muslin is beautiful.
+
+_Maude_ The other girls have silk.
+
+_Mr. De S._ Then you must have silk, too,--decidedly. Mustn't she,
+Mamma?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (sighing). I do not know, Papa, I do not know. This is a
+dreadful time,--a dreadful time. I fear I shall not live to see her
+graduate! (sighs dismally). But you will all enjoy it. Matilda, will
+you heat the salt bags?
+
+(Miss Hoppenhoer bounces out.)
+
+_Maude_ (flies to couch). O, you precious, precious Mamma! Don't you
+dare get sick and die!
+
+(Katherine opens the door.)
+
+_Katherine_ Miss Reynolds and Mr. Hamilton.
+
+_Maude_ Hello, Valeria, how you vas? Jack, did you get 'em?
+
+_Jack_ (bows to ladies, shakes hands with Mr. De Smythe). Couldn't
+_Maude_, nothing but red.
+
+_Maude_ Red! I can't wear red! Madam Sateene, can I?
+
+_Madam_ (after due deliberation). Yes, you can. You will need a touch
+of color.
+
+_Valeria_ Why don't you carry pink ones?
+
+_Jack_ Pink roses are lovely. You carried pink ones at the Junior
+Banquet, didn't you, Val?
+
+_Valeria_ (thoughtfully). Did I? Yes, I did! Bridesmaid, I think they
+were.
+
+_Maude_ I hate pink roses!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Maudie, Maudie, do not be so vehement!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Never mind about the roses. They are a side issue. The
+question is, "Wherewithal shall you be clothed!" I must be off to earn
+your daily cake. Let's decide.
+
+_Maude_ (pensively). Jack, do you like Paris muslin?
+
+_Jack_ Is it anything like Plaster of Paris?
+
+_Maude_ Jack, behave! I am so worried! (signs of tears.)
+
+_Valeria_ She's just tired, poor dear; don't tease her, Jack.
+
+_Maude_ (with dignity). I am not tired. He can't tease me, thank you,
+_Valeria_. I think, Madam, I will have Paris muslin. Silk is so common.
+
+_Jack_ Why don't you have bobinet?
+
+_Valeria_ Why, Jack, bobinet is--
+
+_Jack_ I know what bobinet is; heavy and kind of corded,--dead swell.
+
+_Maude_ That's pique!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Well, children, defer that discussion until the Fourth of
+July. Is there time for a whole new rig?
+
+_Madam_ Y-e-s,--I think so.
+
+_Mr. De S._ Cheer up, everybody! We'll have the prettiest frock in the
+outfit, if it breaks the R.I.P. Railroad! We are the people! I must go
+hunt those papers--things are stirred up so! Good-bye, Mamma, don't
+worry! Madam Sateene will save us! (goes).
+
+_Madam_ (rising with alacrity). I shall go look at Paris muslins.
+Shall I bring you samples?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ No, I am not able to decide. We trust to you absolutely,
+_Madam_ Sateene, absolutely. (groans). I believe I am going to have an
+attack! Oh, dear, my nerves! They actually twitch! I wish Matilda were
+of some use in such matters. Because she never graduated, she thinks
+_Maude_ shouldn't! Jack, do you see my smelling salts?
+
+(Jack hunts for the salts. Girls talk apart. Madam makes memoranda.)
+
+_Madam_ Miss Maude, how would you like ribbon, very narrow satin ribbon?
+
+_Maude_ Kate Saunders had that in--let me see,--oh, in 1900.
+
+_Valeria_ And that French Girl,--Giggre--wore it last year.
+
+_Madam_ O dear! (grimly). Anybody ever use rope?
+
+_Jack_ (grinning). Only men--for neck-ties mostly. I can't find it, Mrs.
+De Smythe.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Then Matilda has put it in the medicine chest. She is so
+neat! I can't help it--I don't want to have an attack! What shall I
+do? But I am afraid I--I am going to have one!
+
+_Maude_ (with signs of tears). O, Mamma, don't have an attack! What
+shall I do? No roses, no dress, no nothing!
+
+_Madam_ (resolutely). Well, you shall have a dress, about noon, to give
+you (with a tragic sweep of hand) if it is my last effort! Mrs. De
+Smythe, I'll drop in and report! (Goes hastily.)
+
+_Valeria_ I must go. I stopped for a list of my committee.
+
+_Maude_ (absently). Don't go. What committee?
+
+_Valeria_ Committee on Decorations.
+
+_Maude_ (vaguely). Committee on--?
+
+_Valeria_ Decorations. Wake up!
+
+_Maude_ (goes to desk). O yes! (rummages). This desk is disgraceful!
+Here it is! (Reads crumpled paper.) "Be it resolved--" goodness,
+that's about poor Ned Woodruff! Jack, who was on that committee?
+
+_Jack_ (smoothing Valeria's gloves on his knee). Miss Secretary, I do
+not keep the minutes.
+
+_Maude_ Well, you were presiding! (rummaging). Here it is,--six,--is
+that enough? Five, rather,--Hal Taylor won't serve.
+
+_Valeria_ (taking the list). O yes, he will.
+
+_Maude_ Said he wouldn't! Told Mabel Hopeland so last night.
+
+_Valeria_ (calmly). Yes, he will.
+
+_Maude_ Well, he said he wouldn't.
+
+_Valeria_ (pocketing the list, unmoved). He will if I ask him.
+
+_Maude_ (shutting desk with a bang). Oh!
+
+(Enter Miss Hoppenhoer, with shawls, salt bags, etc.)
+
+_Miss H._ Jennie, you'd better go to bed.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (sadly). I will. I hope I shall not have an attack.
+
+_Miss H._ Attack! We'll all have an attack before Friday night! (She
+busies herself about the couch. Valeria and Maude go out.)
+
+_Miss H._ Now, can you walk, do you think? I'd better call Katherine,
+hadn't I? Katherine! Be careful of that bag--it's hot--awful hot! Lean
+on me--(they go out, but Miss Hoppenhoer runs back to pick up things).
+
+_Jack_ Can't I help you! A fellow never knows what to do
+when--when--anybody has an attack.
+
+(Maude returns.)
+
+_Jack_ Come on, Maude, I've got an old tandem out there. Let's take a
+spin.
+
+_Miss H._ (dropping a shawl and two bottles). Got a what?
+
+_Jack_ Go get ready, Maude. A tandem.
+
+(Maude goes.)
+
+_Miss H._ (moveless with astonishment). You ride it?
+
+_Jack_ (respectfully). Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Miss H._ (aghast). Ride it?
+
+_Jack_ (fascinated). Yessum. (earnestly). Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Miss H._ Ride a tantrum! Well, such goings on! And all of it comes from
+graduating! Thank Heaven, I never graduated!
+
+(Commences to pick up things. Curtain.)
+
+
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+
+(Sitting-room of the De Smythe home. Bouquets with cards attached.
+Maude's desk, open, in confusion. Her hat and gloves on a chair. Jack,
+Miss Rantum and Maude, latter "practicing.")
+
+_Miss R._ (decidedly). It is best to hold it in one hand.
+
+_Jack_ (surprised beyond measure). Oh, are you going to read it?
+
+_Maude_ (standing in the middle of the room). W-e-l-l, not exactly read
+it, you know.
+
+_Maude_ I really know it--almost.
+
+_Jack_ Then don't hold the paper.
+
+_Maude_ (apprehensively). Oh, but if I should forget!
+
+_Jack_ (confidently). You won't!
+
+_Maude_ I might! Oh, it's very easy for you to say orate, for you can!
+
+_Jack_ (conscious of ability). Yes, but you could, too.
+
+_Miss R._ What is the subject of your oration, Mr. Hamilton?
+
+_Jack_ (modestly). "Universality in Statecraft."
+
+_Maude_ And it's a dandy! You ought to hear him when he comes to, "For
+of all the nations, builded of power and sealed with blood--" (in
+tremendous tones).
+
+_Jack_ Oh, now, Maude, I say, let up.
+
+_Maude_ Well, honest, you are fine. No I should die if I forgot,--just
+simply die.
+
+_Miss R._ It is wiser for her to hold her manuscript, I think. This is
+an essay, not an oration.
+
+_Maude_ (sitting down and getting up, a la Delsarte). Of course, Jack,
+don't you see? It is an essay, not an oration. Now, did I get up
+right?
+
+_Miss R._ Try it again.
+
+_Maude_ (repeats the operation and advances very stiffly). Is that it?
+
+_Jack_ (judicially). Too corky.
+
+_Miss R._ Be leisurely. Leisure is elegance. And bend more. Try it
+again,--so. (illustrates).
+
+_Maude_ (doing likewise). I do hope I won't drop anything. How was that?
+
+_Miss R._ (hesitating). A trifle--just a trifle--well, er-stiff. Of all
+things, a lady must rise well.
+
+_Jack_ Yes, not as if she were shot out of a cannon!
+
+_Maude_ Jack, you keep still!
+
+_Miss R._ Try it again--so. (illustrates). Bend from the waist.
+
+(Maude does so amid solemn silence.)
+
+_Jack_ (graciously). That was better.
+
+_Miss R._ Now, go on.
+
+_Maude_ (reading). "Life's Inner Meanings."
+
+_Miss R._ Louder and more deliberately. "Life's Inner Meanings."
+
+_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings."
+
+_Miss R._ Go on, not too fast. Don't hold it so high and bend the body
+forward from the waist.
+
+_Maude_ (in high shrill tones). "As a traveler, among the mighty
+mountains, fails to realize the height to which he has climbed--"
+(Stops, winded.)
+
+_Miss R._ Compose yourself, compose yourself! Your voice is--well,
+unnatural.
+
+_Jack_ Yes, it's squeaky.
+
+_Maude_ (with heat). It isn't! You're awfully mean! I've got to be
+heard!
+
+_Miss R._ Try it again. Use a deeper tone. "As a traveler, among the
+mighty mountains, fails to realize the height--" Now, go on.
+
+_Maude_ (nervously). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains, fails
+to realize the height to which he has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty
+pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have traveled." O, Miss
+Rantum, that isn't right!
+
+_Miss R._ No, not exactly, not precisely right. You see, you--
+
+_Jack_ Why don't you use "journeyed" instead of "traveled"?
+
+_Maude_ (ignoring him). Miss Rantum, what is the matter with it? I'm not
+doing as well as I did last week!
+
+_Miss R._ No, you really aren't, but--
+
+_Jack_ I say, why don't you change--
+
+_Maude_ (imploringly). What is the matter, Miss Rantum?
+
+_Miss R._ It isn't firm. You don't seem to know what you are saying.
+
+_Maude_ (in grave-yard tones). "As the traveler, among the mighty
+mountains, fails to--"
+
+_Jack_ (ditto). Finally, my beloved brethren--
+
+_Miss R._ (hastily). Lighter, but firmly. Use a conversational tone, "As
+the traveler, among the mountains;" "It is a very pleasant day," "How
+do you do?" See?
+
+_Maude_ (in light, quivering tones). "As a traveler, among the
+mountains--mighty mountains--fails to realize the height to which he
+has climbed--has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot
+estimate the distance we have traveled."
+
+_Jack_ "Climbed--climbed." I don't like "climbed" there; wouldn't
+"attained" be better?
+
+_Maude_ Professor Grindem didn't say so.
+
+_Jack_ "Attained" is a prettier word.
+
+_Maude_ (earnestly). Do you think so?
+
+_Miss R._ "Climbed" is better. It is a real traveler and real mountains,
+hence "climbed." "Attained" sounds as if it were ideals, you know.
+
+_Maude_ (sighing profoundly). Yes, I think so, too. Besides, it's too
+late to change it now. I'd forget.
+
+_Jack_ All right! "On with the dance." I'm no judge.
+
+_Miss R._ Go on with the next paragraph.
+
+_Maude_ The next isn't a paragraph.
+
+_Miss R._ (very patiently and gently). Well, go on with the next.
+
+_Maude_ "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes, its pleasant
+walleys--"
+
+_Miss R._ Valleys.
+
+_Maude_ "Its pleasant walleys, its--"
+
+_Miss R._ Valleys.
+
+_Maude_ (nervously). Let me start over.
+
+_Miss R._ Well, only use deeper tones. (She sits down.)
+
+_Maude_ (very slowly). "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes,
+its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we cannot
+realize the magnitood of the common things about us."
+
+_Miss R._ "Magnitude," not "tood."
+
+_Maude_ "The magnitude of the common things about us."
+
+_Miss R._ Touch "common things" more lightly; "of the common things
+about us,"--"common things."
+
+_Maude_ (takes a sprint). We cannot realize the magnitood--tude--of the
+"common--" oh, dear, I can never say it!"
+
+_Miss R._ Yes, you can. You are doing well,--remarkably well.
+
+_Maude_ O Miss Rantum!
+
+_Jack_ You are, honest Injun! It'll be dandy.
+
+_Miss R._ Please read,--are you tired standing?
+
+_Maude_ (dismally). No,--I got to get it.
+
+_Miss R._ Please read that second paragraph--sentence--again.
+
+_Maude_ (taking a brace). Among life's bright flowers, its rugged
+slopes--
+
+_Miss R._ R-r-r-rugged slopes.
+
+_Maude_ Rugged slopes.
+
+_Miss R._ No, r-r-rugged slopes. Trill your "r."
+
+_Maude_ (flatly). I can't.
+
+_Jack_ What's the use? I don't think she need. People only do that on
+Decoration Day. "Br-rave, r-rugged heroes," you know.
+
+(Enter Katherine.)
+
+_Katherine_ Miss Maude, a letter from you--for you, I mean. (Hands one
+in awestruck manner and escapes.)
+
+_Jack_ That girl is scared to death at anything that looks like writing.
+Did you see her?
+
+_Miss R._ (leaning back in her chair). Is she of foreign extraction?
+
+_Jack_ No, foreign distraction.
+
+_Maude_ (falling into a chair and opening letter). From Valeria. She
+can't come over this afternoon. She's got to, to--I can't make it out.
+(spells slowly). B-a-an, B-a-n--
+
+_Jack_ Banana, maybe. She's got to banana. Let me see it, I'm used to
+her hand.
+
+_Maude_ Indeed! (elaborately). Indeed, you are! Maybee this is your
+note?
+
+_Jack_ You needn't get so mad. Let her banana. I don't care!
+
+_Maude_ (springing up). Neither do I! Take the note!
+
+(Katherine appears at the door.)
+
+_Katherine_ (in much trepidation). Perfesser Grindem.
+
+_Jack_ (pleasantly). All right Katherine, we are perpared!
+
+(Enter Professor Grindem.)
+
+_Grindem_ (bows profoundly, repeatedly). Ah, good morning, ladies, good
+morning! Mr. Hamilton, ah, good morning! How is the work progressing?
+
+(Jack shakes hands. Miss Rantum bows distantly.)
+
+_Maude_ (tearing note into tiny bits). I shall be scared to death.
+
+_Grindem_ (cordially). Not at all, Miss Maude, ah, not at all! Not at
+all! You will feel power,--power is ahem!--power is a great thing--a
+great thing.
+
+_Maude_ (dejectedly). Yes, Professor.
+
+(Enter Mrs. De Smythe)
+
+_Grindem_ May I hear the--ah, Mrs. De Smythe, good morning!
+
+(Mrs. De Smythe adjusts herself on couch.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Yes, Maudie, dear, read it all to us. O Matilda, Matilda,
+my salts! Now, Maudie!
+
+(Miss Hoppenhoer bustles in and takes her station behind couch.)
+
+_Maude_ (painfully taking "position"). "Life's Inner Meanings."
+
+_Mrs. De S._ A very pretty subject, I think.
+
+_Miss H._ (sniffs). A very pretty broad one, I think!
+
+_Maude_ (impressively). "Life's Inner Meanings."
+
+_Miss R._ Stand straighter, Miss Maude--so.
+
+_Jack_ I think that's awkward,--looks as if she were going to cry "Lay
+on, Macduff!"
+
+_Maude_ Why, Jack Hamilton!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Jack's only joking. Why don't you go on?
+
+_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings," (then, very rapidly). "As a traveler
+among the mighty mountains, fails to realize the height to which he
+has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the
+distance we have traveled. Among life's bright flowers, its rugged
+slopes, its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we
+cannot realize the magnitood--tude--magnitude of the common things
+about us." (Stops, breathless.)
+
+_Miss R._ Don't sway so. Hold the body firm.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ There's no hurry, child.
+
+_Jack_ That pace would kill!
+
+_Miss R._ (to Professor Grindem). Her voice is not deep enough. It lacks
+impressiveness.
+
+_Grindem_ Yes, it lacks power--power, I should say.
+
+_Maude_ (near tears). I can't get a new voice for this old essay!
+
+_Miss H._ Yes, you ought to; you ought to be made over if you're going
+to graduate!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Do go on; I am very fond of the next part.
+
+_Maude_ (continues). "We stand upon the brink--"
+
+_Miss R._ More rapidly there, "We stand upon the brink!"
+
+_Maude_ (in exact imitation). "We stand upon the brink."
+
+_Jack_ (ditto). That is, if we don't fall off--
+
+_Maude_ Make Jack be still or I--I--can't!
+
+_Jack_ Beg your pardon, but really, 'a brink,' you know.
+
+_Maude_ "We stand upon the brink--who can guess what say the dashing
+waters beneath? Who can interpret the silence of the eternal stars? We
+rest in the walley--valley, who can understand the whispering of the
+leaves? Who can read the secrets of the ocean blue? O, deep are the
+inner meanings,--deep, deep are the mysteries of nature, infinite are
+the suggestions of life!"
+
+_Grindem_ Too, rapidly, Miss Maude,--too rapidly. Those are grand
+sentiments,--give 'em time--give 'em time.
+
+_Miss R._ There is not enough emotion in the climax: "Deep, deep are the
+mysteries of nature!" Read it (in a cellerage tone). "Deep, deep are
+the mysteries of nature!"
+
+_Maude_ (using the "vox humana stop"). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of
+nature!"
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (soothingly). You are not doing so well, Maudie, today.
+
+_Miss H._ No, I think you get worse.
+
+_Maude_ Nobody c-could! You all find fault. (weeps). You couldn't do any
+better--none of you--so there now!
+
+_Miss H._ Never mind! It doesn't matter. Don't graduate.
+
+_Maude_ (still weeping). It does matter! It d-does! I don't want to
+disgrace the family.
+
+_Miss H._ Ought to have commenced sooner, then, if you didn't!
+
+_Voice from without._ Who's going to disgrace the family? I'd like to
+see 'em try it.
+
+(As Mr. De Smythe appears, Professor Grindem and Jack go out, in deep
+converse.)
+
+_Maude_ I am!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Oh, no, you're not,--not by the R.I.P. Railroad!
+(cheerfully). You won't be permitted to, Miss! Doesn't the dress fit?
+
+_Maude_ (with intense scorn). The dress! Oh, Papa, my piece!
+
+_Mr. De S._ O, you're piece! Say it to me! I haven't heard it today.
+
+_Maude_ You're making fun of me!
+
+_Miss H._ The child is worn out.
+
+_Maude_ I am not worn out! I am not a baby! (collapses). I wish I was
+d-d-dead!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ O dear! O dear! Maudie, child!
+
+_Maude_ I just w-wish I was.
+
+_Mr. De S._ W-h-y-ee! When I have brought you your present! I am
+astonished!
+
+_Maude_ Have you? Oh, Papa, have you? Let me see!
+
+_Mr. De S._ (taking out of his pocket a tiny case). No more tears?
+
+_Maude_ (rubbing eyes hard). No--never.
+
+_Mr. De S._ Honest? I've never seen so many tears. We are a Johnstown
+flood lately. (Gives jeweler's case.)
+
+_Maude_ A watch! A w-a-t-c-h!! (flies at him).
+
+(Re-enter Jack and Mr. Bulbus.)
+
+_Mr. Bulbus._ (bows awkwardly). I come to see about them decorations.
+
+_Maude_ (rapturously). A watch!
+
+_Mr. De S._ Guess we don't need 'em, Mr. Bulbus. There is something
+going on at the school that night.
+
+_Maude_ I was afraid it would be books. (She and Jack examine the watch
+aside.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We might have a reception.
+
+_Miss H._ Jennie, you'll be sick! Mark my words, you'll have an attack!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ But it's so nearly over--
+
+_Mr. De S._ Ought we to have one? Does everybody?
+
+_Miss H._ (sarcastically). Does everybody have what? Have an attack?
+
+_Mr. De S._ (patiently). A reception.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do, isn't it, Miss Rantum?
+
+_Miss R._ (looks up from Maude's MS., which she has been studying). I
+beg your pardon, Mrs. De Smythe?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do--to have a reception, isn't it?
+
+_Miss R._ They always do in Boston.
+
+_Maude_ Do what in Boston?
+
+_Miss R._ They have receptions. (with great dignity).
+
+_Jack_ And Beans.
+
+(Miss Rantum straightens up to retort, but Mr. De Smythe cuts in.)
+
+_Mr. De S._ And here is Mr. Bulbus waiting! He is a business man, you
+know. When do you want him, Jennie?
+
+_Mr. B._ (confusedly). Yes, sir.
+
+_Maude_ (sweetly). You'd just as soon wait, wouldn't you, Mr. Bulbus?
+
+_Mr. B._ (blushing, drops hat). Yes, I-d--I'd--I'd rather.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We must decide while Mr. Bulbus is here, so we can get his
+suggestions.
+
+_Mr. B._ (standing like a stork). Yes'sum.
+
+_Miss R._ (preparing to depart). Well, Miss Maude, I think we will not
+need another rehearsal.
+
+_Maude_ Oh, Miss Rantum, do you think I can do it all right?
+
+_Miss R._ Yes, I think so. You must rest this evening.
+
+_Maude_ The Juniors are to give us a spread.
+
+_Miss R._ (definitely). But you must not go. Mr. De Smythe, may I speak
+to you?
+
+_Mr. De S._ Go on with your reception business. Mr. Bulbus hasn't all
+day. (Goes out with Miss Rantum.)
+
+_Mr. B._ (changes weight to other foot). Yes, sir.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Won't you be seated, Mr. Bulbus?
+
+_Mr. B._ (sits on edge of small chair). Yessum, thank yer.
+
+_Maude_ Let's have just the graduating class.
+
+_Jack_ No, I'm dead tired of the push! Let's have a picked
+crowd,--friends of "the highly contracting parties," you know.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We ought to have your professors.
+
+_Maude_ We'd have to invite Grindem, and he's so awfully--
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Professor Grindem is a very delightful gentleman, Maudie!
+
+_Jack_ (in imitation). Yes, ahem, he has--power--ahem,--power is--power
+is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Well, as to the decorations.
+
+_Maude_ Smilax from the chandelier--
+
+_Jack_ Don't let's have any smilax. It's too much like funerals.
+
+(Mr. De Smythe returns.)
+
+_Mr. De S._ Well, Mr. Bulbus, have they decided?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ No, Papa, we can't decide who to have.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Let that slide now, and go into a committee of the whole on
+decorations.
+
+_Maude_ Let's--but I don't want the faculty.
+
+_Jack_ You'd like to have Professor Graham. All girls are gone on him.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We needn't order cut flowers. All of Maudie's--(stops to
+cough).
+
+_Miss H._ (throws down her darning). Jennie, you'll have an attack! I
+won't be no committee! I won't encourage this nonsense. Education is
+all right; everybody needs a little,--enough to make an honest livin'.
+But look at your mother, look at your father! They're plumb wore out
+settin' up nights to get you graduated! In my day when girls got
+through school they quit, they didn't go to Commencin' and carrin' on!
+I won't be no committee of the whole nor no other kind. When you're
+all dead nobody can blame me! (walks out, sniffing disdainfully).
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (rising hastily). Oh, dear, now she'll go sweep every room
+in the house! (goes out in haste).
+
+_Maude_ (springs up). Mamma mustn't wear herself out. It would be all
+right if Auntie had graduated. (goes in haste).
+
+_Mr. De S._ (gazing helplessly after them all). Matilda's Declaration of
+Independence! (seating himself resignedly). Draw up your chairs,
+gentlemen. We'll have to 'wait til the clouds roll by'.
+
+(Curtain falls on the three men looking at each other silently.)
+
+
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+
+(Hallway of the DeSmythe house. Flowers on extra tables, cards
+attached. Door bell in vestibule rings constantly; flowers and
+packages arriving. Maude's picture hat, gloves and fan on chair. Mr.
+Bulbus on ladder, measuring the wall. Katherine enters and re-enters,
+with flowers and gifts. Miss Hoppenhoer flits in and out. Everybody
+nervous.)
+
+_Katherine_ The bill's been a-ringin' all morning like that. (arranges
+flowers).
+
+_Mr. B._ I should think you'd be tired. Ain't yer?
+
+_Katherine_ No, it's as exciting as a wedding.
+
+_Mr. B._ You wimmen like weddin's. I never see a woman as didn't.
+
+_Katherine_ (wonderingly). Are you going to decorate the hall?
+
+_Mr. B._ (largely). Of course,--palms and ropes of smilax--
+
+(Enter Jack, carrying his hat and gloves.)
+
+_Jack_ (agreeably). Good morning, Katherine. I let myself in, you not
+being a regiment. (Katherine goes). Good morning, Mr. Bulbus. You look
+pretty festive in here. (examines bouquets, reading cards aloud and
+commenting). "Compliments of Harold Taylor."--Umph, got them here in
+time, I should say. "With love of Edith."--girls always put on "with
+love of." "Wishing you a joyous day. Dick Dowell." That's nice of
+Dick, considering the late unpleasantness. "Lucile," of course;
+"Lucile" in white and gold! A girl couldn't graduate unless she had
+three 'Luciles' and a 'Maurine!' Golden Gate roses! Whew, that means
+dough! Professor Graham, I'll bet! He's got dough and cheek--
+
+(Maude runs down the stairs.)
+
+_Jack_ O, hello, Maude! (gives a long whistle). Aren't we fine? Swagger!
+
+_Maude_ (imploringly). Jack, how do I look?
+
+_Jack_ Turn around,--slowly. (Maude revolves very slowly.)
+
+_Maude_ (anxiously). Well?
+
+_Jack_ You look--you look--out of sight! By George, you do!
+
+_Maude_ (caressing her dress skirt). You like the train?
+
+(Mr. Bulbus gets down and goes out, unnoticed by Maude.)
+
+_Jack_ It's splendid. You're a--a queen! I'd kiss you--
+
+_Maude_ (startled). H-u-s-h! Mr. Bulbus!
+
+_Jack_ (coolly). Oh, he's gone.
+
+_Maude_ Goodness, what if he'd been there!
+
+_Jack_ (comfortably). He wasn't.
+
+_Maude_ (trying to see the back of her train in glass). But you didn't
+know it!
+
+_Jack_ Don't you think I didn't know it! 'Spose I want to make the
+poor duffer green with envy? I can't kiss you anyway, you're too fine.
+
+_Maude_ No, I can't even sit down! Jack, you look awfully handsome.
+
+_Jack_ Thank you. Would you wear a rose?
+
+_Maude_ Of course--one of Dick's. Nice of Dick, wasn't it? (gets one;
+puts it on; an operation requiring time and patience).
+
+_Jack_ Don't leave so much green show. I want a contrast, not a study in
+tints.
+
+_Maude_ Don't touch me! Hold your arms out straight.
+
+_Jack_ (standing like a sign post). Then hurry up! I am not the stuff
+martyrs are made of.
+
+_Maude_ Is that all right?
+
+_Jack_ Stand off and get the effect. How can I tell?
+
+_Maude_ (standing back). Put down your arms!
+
+_Jack_ (obediently). Well?
+
+_Maude_ (with enthusiasm). Perfectly lovely! My, I shall be proud of
+you! For pity's sake, don't look at me!
+
+_Jack_ Can't help it.
+
+_Maude_ I don't mean now--goosey! I mean when I read. If I should
+forget!
+
+_Jack_ You won't! Keep your eye on Old South Church and--
+
+_Maude_ On what?
+
+_Jack_ I beg your pardon. On Miss Rantum.
+
+_Maude_ Oh! It must be time,--where is everybody?
+
+_Jack_ I'm here, (sits on arm of chair and gazes at her.)
+
+_Maude_ O you, yes! But I mean mamma! I am so nervous!
+
+_Jack_ You girls just try to be nervous. You think it's becoming.
+
+(Enter Mrs. De Smythe, in black silk.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ The carriages have come. Where can Papa be?
+
+_Maude_ (in dismay). O, it isn't time, is it? O horrors, where is my
+essay? Jack, please look in my desk.
+
+(Jack dashes out.)
+
+_Maude_ Mamma, is my hair all right?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Yes, Maudie, yes, (dismally) you look lovely.
+
+(Jack dashes in, essay in hand.)
+
+_Jack_ Here it is, but don't practice now.
+
+_Maude_ (pacing the floor). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains,
+fails to realize--to realize the heights to which he has climbed, so
+we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have--we
+have,--cannot estimate the distance we have--" There, I knew I didn't
+know it! What shall I do?
+
+_Jack_ (brilliantly). Open your manuscript.
+
+(Katherine enters, with letters and small package.)
+
+_Maude_ (unseeing, resumes). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of nature,
+infinite are--are--"
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Maudie, here is a letter from Uncle John. (withholds
+package).
+
+_Maude_ (drops essay). O, I wonder what he sent! Is this all!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Why, Maudie! Read it.
+
+_Maude_ (tears it open; reads). "My dearest Niece: Hail to the happy
+day! 'Way down here in South Africa, 'mong monkeys and Boers, I feel
+the excitement. We don't graduate down here, but we know people who
+do. Never, I know, has the house of De Smythe been so shaken. In honor
+thereof, I am sending a--a--" O, goodness, I can't--"a diamond
+ring,"--a diamond! Hasn't it come?
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Does he say when?
+
+_Maude_ (referring to the letter). He says "I am sending--" Katherine
+is such a stupy! (calls). Katherine--
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Maybe this is it. (gives package).
+
+(Katherine comes with pink roses.)
+
+_Maude_ O, O. O.! Isn't it a beauty! Jack, look!
+
+_Jack_ (just glancing). Umph! Yes, I see.
+
+_Maude_ Dear Uncle John! Everybody is so good! It's bigger than
+_Valeria_'s. Must I wear gloves? I don't care, I just won't.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Your roses, Maudie.
+
+_Maude_ O, your roses, Jack! They're lovely!
+
+_Jack_ (slowly). The red weren't pretty, so I got pink. I hope you'll--
+
+_Maude_ (rapturously). I just love pink roses!
+
+(Katherine comes in with a big package.)
+
+_Maude_ (tearing away pink ribbons and tissue papers). "With Valeria's
+dearest love." A bonbon dish! Isn't it lovely! And violets on it!
+
+_Jack_ (with a grimace). It will hold two pounds!
+
+_Maude_ It isn't a bit too big! If you won't fill it--well, there are
+others. I'm forgetting my piece. "Deep, deep are the mysteries--"
+
+_Jack_ Are you going to say it?
+
+_Maude_ No, but I must really know it, you know, so I can look up often.
+
+_Jack_ "O, I see clearly," said the blind man.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Dear, dear, this is just as if you were getting married!
+(sinks into a chair; she has been examining the flowers). The presents
+and the flowers and the carriages and--and everything. O, suppose you
+were--suppose you were!
+
+_Maude_ (with intense indignation). But I'm not! I'm graduating!
+
+_Jack_ (disconsolately). I don't think they're much alike!
+
+_Mrs. De S. But where is Papa?
+
+_Jack_ As I came, I saw him at the drug store.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ The drug store! Why in the world--oh, I remember now,--I
+sent him. We'll never get off.
+
+(Miss Hoppenhoer's voice is heard from somewhere, "O Jennie!")
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (rising and collecting things dropped). I wonder what's
+happened now? I hope Papa isn't killed! (hurries out).
+
+_Maude_ (gazing at her ring). Aren't my presents pretty?
+
+_Jack_ Yes, but you are prettier.
+
+_Maude_ (archly). Thank you, Mr. Hamilton, but aren't you a little rash?
+(holds roses to her face by way of contrast.)
+
+_Jack_ (critically). No, I think not, on mature consideration. Your hair
+looks like gold--California gold, and those lovely lilies! Who gave
+you those lilies-of-the-valley? (suddenly).
+
+_Maude_ (evasively). Why California gold?
+
+_Jack_ O, it's redder, and then, it is a native product. You'd be mad if
+I said antique gold.
+
+_Maude_ But do you like antique gold better?
+
+_Jack_ That isn't the point. Who gave you those lilies?
+
+_Maude_ Aren't they dear?
+
+_Jack_ (cruelly). Don't know,--didn't buy 'em. Whose tribute are they?
+
+_Maude_ "Tribute" sounds like a funeral.
+
+_Jack_ (with awful meaning). There may be a funeral. Whose are they?
+
+_Maude_ (demurely). Mine.
+
+_Jack_ (with infinite patience). You know what I mean, (with terrible
+calmness). Who gave you those?
+
+_Maude_ (preparing to cry). You're awfully cross, I think.
+
+(Mr. Bulbus enters in rear hunting something. Maude sees him.)
+
+_Jack_ (unmoved). Who gave you those?
+
+_Maude_ (graciously, sweetly). Mr. Bulbus, the lilies are lovely.
+
+_Mr. B._ (surprised into dropping a hammer). Yes'sum, I'm glad you--you
+like 'em. (retreats in confusion.)
+
+_Jack_ Oh! (slowly). That's awfully nice of you.
+
+(Enter Mrs. De Smythe and Miss Hoppenhoer, bonnets and gloves on.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ Where is your father? It's time to go.
+
+_Jack_ Past time. Grindem said to be there at 9:30.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ What shall we do? I knew he would be late! I hope I shall
+not have an attack!
+
+_Miss H._ (grimly). No, I hope not--in that dress!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ As if one's dress made any difference with an attack! O,
+there he is! Well, Papa, you--good morning, Madam.
+
+(Mr. De Smythe and Madam Sateene come in together.)
+
+_Mr. De S._ My, how fine we look!
+
+_Maude_ Madam Sateene, this shoulder--wrinkles.
+
+_Madam_ Let me see. (Madam and Maude consult apart.)
+
+_Mrs. De S._ We ought to go.
+
+_Mr. De S._ Miss Rantum hasn't come.
+
+_Jack_ (looking up from his own Ms.) O, I forgot! Miss Baked Beans will
+meet us there. She couldn't come here.
+
+_Maude_ She promised she would!
+
+_Mr. De S._ All ready. How many of these do we take? (indicating
+flowers). Need a dray?
+
+_Maude_ Only Jack's--and I carry them. Jack, you carry my essay and
+fan. (puts on hat). Is it straight? Where are my roses?
+
+(Miss Hoppenhoer gives Mr. De Smythe two shawls and he goes.)
+
+_Madam_ (anxiously). Wait one moment. (adjusts Maude's train). Now.
+
+_Miss H._ Have you any lemon drops?
+
+_Maude_ Of course not,--nobody carries lemon drops! Where is my
+handkerchief!
+
+_Jack_ (sheepishly, taking it out of his vest). Here it is.
+
+_Mr. De S._ (from door). Come on, you people.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ O dear, dear, I shall never stand it.
+
+_Miss H._ (collecting salts and fans). We're coming.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ O dear,--kiss me, Maudie. (sits down exhausted). It's just
+like a wedding! I can't stand it! Some day you'll be getting married!
+
+(Mr. Bulbus enters in the rear and just stands.)
+
+_Jack_ (cheerfully). I hope so.
+
+_Maude_ (arranging train to carry it gracefully). Poor Mamma!
+
+_Mr. De S._ (from outside). Come on! Matilda, bring Mamma!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ O, O, O!
+
+_Maude_ Brace up, Mamma, you must.
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (to her handkerchief). And only yesterday she was a baby!
+
+_Miss H._ (snappishly.) And only day before yesterday you were!
+
+_Mrs. De S._ (from outside). Come on--we must go.
+
+_Chorus_ We're coming! (All start, collecting fans, handkerchiefs, and
+gathering up trains, adjusting bonnets anew, etc.)
+
+_Maude_ (as they rush for the door). O, look out for my flowers!
+Jack, got my piece? I know I shall forget! What if we're late?
+Good-bye, Mr. Bulbus! (all go).
+
+(Curtain drops on Mr. Bulbus, gazing after Maude in a sort of trance.)
+
+
+
+
+EPILOGUE.
+
+
+(A Wednesday morning in May, 1905. Mr. and Mrs. Jack Hamilton at
+breakfast. He reading a paper, totally absorbed. She opening her
+letters; there are two by her plate.)
+
+_Maude_ (reading letter and talking to herself). Well, Well! (reading).
+I am not angry--not in the least. You dear old girl! (drops letter and
+meditates). You dear old girl! (resumes reading). I know better,--you
+wouldn't! (reads about a page without comment, then) W-h-y! Why! O
+goodness gracious! Jack!
+
+(Jack looks over top of paper absently, then resumes reading.)
+
+_Maude_ (explosively). Jack, what do you think? Only fancy--Valeria
+is--Jack, listen! Put down your horrid paper! Valeria is married.
+
+(He looks at her vacantly.)
+
+_Jack_ Well?
+
+_Maude_ Well? Listen: Valeria is married.
+
+_Jack_ (waking to the situation). Is that so! Valeria--well, well. I'm
+not astonished.
+
+_Maude_ (pensively). Why not?
+
+_Jack_ (at a venture). O, because--she is so--so handsome.
+
+_Maude_ (scornfully). She isn't handsome! Where are your eyes? She's
+clever--clever, that's what Valeria is. But not handsome,--certainly
+not. She squints.
+
+_Jack_ (staring). I thought you were so fond of her.
+
+_Maude_ (with dignity). I am, I am awfully fond of her--I've always
+been. But (cuttingly) affection doesn't blind me. I can love her and
+see her faults. Nobody ever called Valeria handsome.
+
+_Jack_ (hunting his place on the page). Maybe it was stunning.
+
+_Maude_ (with intense emphasis). Stunning!
+
+_Jack_ (turning the page with a prodigious rattling). Hal used to rave
+over her.
+
+_Maude_ O! Hal, he--don't rattle your paper so, you make me nervous! Hal
+didn't care for her.
+
+_Jack_ (absently). No, I suppose not, I suppose not. Of course, nobody
+could.
+
+(Silence. Both read.)
+
+_Maude_ (intent on letter and all to herself). I wonder what she wore!
+She is too old for white. (reads aloud). "You'll be surprised, my
+dear." Yes, I confess I am. (gazing at coffee urn thoughtfully). Yes,
+I am. (resumes reading). Where was I? "I want to tell you first,
+dear." Here it is. So she did wear white--now, I am astonished. (reads
+on). For pity sakes! Jack
+
+_Jack_ (starts violently, crushing paper). A man might as well live on
+Vesuvius.
+
+_Maude_ (in great excitement). But, Jack, guess who married her.
+
+_Jack_ (with calm certainty). The man in the Moon. He's too jolly to
+mind squints.
+
+_Maude_ Just guess. You never can.
+
+_Jack_ (impatiently, much wrought upon.) Then tell me.
+
+_Maude_ (in an explosive). Hal!
+
+_Jack_ (inanely). Hal!
+
+_Maude_ (calmly, the mine sprung). Hal Taylor.
+
+_Jack_ Hal Taylor. Well, I am--bobbed!
+
+_Maude_ I'm not surprised.
+
+_Jack_ You said Hal didn't care for her.
+
+_Maude_ (very slowly). He doesn't, Jack. Hal was--roped in.
+
+_Jack_ (stares, then gives vent to a long whistle of astonishment).
+Well, you women!
+
+_Maude_ Don't talk to me. I am disgusted!
+
+_Jack_ (ruefully). Well! (He stares, folds napkin, unfolds it and takes
+up his newspaper.)
+
+_Maude_ Don't sit there, just saying "Well" all the time!
+
+_Jack_ (slowly). Say, what is it to you?
+
+_Maude_ (sobs a little). She h-has deceived me--basely deceived me. But
+I don't care. I shall send her a cut-glass berry dish,--maybe a
+Tiffany c-c-cut! (dries her eyes resolutely). Coffee, dear?
+
+_Jack_ (irritably; a trifle suspicious yet). Yes, don't I always take
+coffee?
+
+_Maude_ (plaintively). Don't scold me. I cannot endure much more. To
+think Valeria--
+
+_Jack_ (with decision, carving the steak). Don't think, then. Drop it.
+What's your other letter?
+
+_Maude_ (sadly). I don't care--I don't care for anything. (takes a
+biscuit). The biscuits are burned.
+
+_Jack_ No, they are not. Never mind--give the letter to me.
+
+(Maude gazes pensively at nothing. Jack opens the letter with a fork,
+and reads silently.)
+
+_Jack_ (to himself, muttering). Of course, it's money,--always money.
+Only a dollar and fifty cents apiece,--a man ought not growl. Umph!
+"The happy old days." Yes, I remember.
+
+_Maude_ (meekly). Remember what, Jack, dear? (He reads. Silence. She
+folds and unfolds Valeria's letter.)
+
+_Jack_ (suddenly). By George!
+
+_Maude_ (buttering a biscuit, slowly). What is it?
+
+_Jack_ By George!
+
+_Maude_ What is it? A woman might as well live on--on Vesuvius!
+
+_Jack_ George Graham is in the New York legislature!
+
+_Maude_ Professor George De Witt Graham!
+
+_Jack_ (reading while he speaks). The same, my dear. We're to banquet
+him; it seems he's made a big speech.
+
+_Maude_ He was very handsome, and nice to us girls. He pulled us all
+through chemistry.
+
+_Jack_ (absently). Yes, he was a good wire puller. And now he's Senator,
+Senator in New York. That's great.
+
+_Maude_ How do you know? Is that from him?
+
+_Jack_ This is the Alumni Letter.
+
+_Maude_ Alumni?
+
+_Jack_ (slowly and elaborately). Yes, my dear, the Alumni
+Letter,--Alumni. We graduated in 1902,--possibly you remember the
+circumstances. You ought to.
+
+_Maude_ How long ago it seems,--how long, long ago!
+
+_Jack_ Thank you. It is. Three years.
+
+(Silence. He stirs coffee.)
+
+_Maude_ The lace for my dress gave out,--do you remember? And I wore
+Paris muslin and Mamma was sick.
+
+_Jack_ It was a great day! You remember your Aunt?
+
+_Maude_ Poor Aunty! I can see her now--so 'fraid I would forget--sitting
+on the edge of her chair! And those lemon drops,--I thought I should
+faint when Bob brought 'em up!
+
+_Jack_ Yes, I remember how his shoes squeaked! And Bob would usher!
+
+_Maude_ Poor Aunty, I hope she is happier now out among the Hottentots.
+Aren't they Hottentots?
+
+_Jack_ (with scholarly precision). Your Aunt, my dear, is in Korea.
+Korea is an island just east of--
+
+_Maude_ (vaguely). Well aren't the Hottentots there, too? I thought
+they were all together over there somewhere,--all fat and dusty
+together, with their queer hats like plates,--all praying and
+embroidering lovely silks.
+
+_Jack_ As I was saying, Korea is east of--of Asia.
+
+_Maude_ (taking another biscuit). Asia was always hard for me. The
+rivers had such dreadful names! "1902! 1902! We are the people, who
+are you?" What fun we had! Let's go back!
+
+_Jack_ Haven't time. You write 'em greetings and so on, and enclose
+three dollars. I wonder where old Grindem is?
+
+_Maude_ Old Grindem! You remember his side whiskers? I couldn't bear
+that man! He was horrid on Commencement day--wouldn't wait one second!
+Not one second! And Valeria, (she sighs heavily). Poor Valeria!
+
+_Jack_ (cheerfully). You looked mighty pretty that day. You didn't need
+any lace.
+
+(She sighs gently and shakes her head.)
+
+_Jack_ (with desperate cheerfulness). And your hair was like gold,--and
+those lilies-of-the-valley! I remember I went so far as to think of
+Solomon. How is it? "Solomon in all his glory--all his glory
+was--was--Solomon was"--how is it?
+
+_Maude_ "Was not arrayed like one of these."
+
+_Jack_ O yes--"like one of these," of course. "Solomon in all his glory
+was not arrayed like one of these." You were a sort of female Solomon.
+Not a Mrs. Solomon,--perish the thought!
+
+_Maude_ (reproachfully). Jack!
+
+_Jack_ (still cheerfully). Who gave you those lilies? Come on--tell me
+now. This is a sort of anniversary when "all things shall be made
+clear." Old Bulbus?
+
+(She braces herself with visible effort.)
+
+_Jack_ It was awfully hard on me, your just carrying my roses and
+putting old Bulbus' lilies in your Solomon hair.
+
+_Maude_ They weren't B-B-Bulbuses.
+
+_Jack_ Honest?
+
+_Maude_ H-honest.
+
+_Jack_ (gravely). Whose were they?
+
+(Silence. Maude twists her napkin.)
+
+_Jack_ (more gravely). Whose were they, Mrs. Hamilton?
+
+_Maude_ You won't be mad?
+
+_Jack_ Do I get "mad"? I am not a two-year-old!
+
+_Maude_ Nor cross?
+
+_Jack_ Whose lilies were those, I ask!
+
+_Maude_ (sitting very erect). I am going to tell you!
+
+_Jack_ (a trifle viciously). See that you do.
+
+_Maude_ Hal sent those lilies.
+
+_Jack_ (incredulous). Hal Taylor?
+
+_Maude_ (with a dead period). Hal Taylor.
+
+(He gazes at her sternly; she hides her face behind the coffee urn.)
+
+_Jack_ Therefore, Valeria squints!
+
+_Maude_ O don't, Jack!
+
+_Jack_ (severely). The vanity of woman!
+
+_Maude_ (rising quickly and coming round to his chair). But I have your
+roses, Jack, in the box with my dress! And I shall send Valeria a
+cut-glass berry-bowl--maybe a Tiffany cut!
+
+(He pulls her down to him as curtain falls.)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sweet Girl Graduates, by Rea Woodman
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