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diff --git a/31506.txt b/31506.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d0f92b --- /dev/null +++ b/31506.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2090 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sweet Girl Graduates, by Rea Woodman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Sweet Girl Graduates + +Author: Rea Woodman + +Release Date: March 4, 2010 [EBook #31506] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES *** + + + + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES + +by Rea Woodman + +Price 35 cents + +Eldridge Entertainment House + +Franklin, Ohio + +also + +Denver, Colorado + +844 South Logan St. + + + + +THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES + +A FARCE + +In Three Acts and an Epilogue + +BY REA WOODMAN, M.A. + +Author of "She Organized a Club," "The Master's Birthday," +and "The Professor." + +Copyright, 1902, by Rea Woodman. + +Eldridge Entertainment House + +FRANKLIN, OHIO + + + + +To My Own Boys and Girls, The Class of 1902 + + + + +SYNOPSIS + +ACT. I. + Sitting Room of the De Smythe Home. + Wednesday Morning at 10 o'clock. + "We'll have the prettiest frock if it breaks the R. I. P. R. R.!" + +ACT. II. + Sitting Room of the De Smythe Home. + Thursday afternoon at 3 o'clock. + "Deep, deep are the meanings of life." + +ACT. III. + Hallway of the De Smythe Home. + Friday Morning at 9 o'clock. + "Mr. Bulbus, the lilies are lovely." + +EPILOGUE. + Dining Room in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jack Hamilton. + A Friday Morning in May, 1905. + "Therefore, Valeria squints." + + + + +CHARACTERS + +Miss Maude De Smythe, The Sweet Girl, + Secretary of the Class of 1902. + +Mrs. De Smythe, Her Mother, + Who is threatened with nervous prostration. + +Mr. De Symthe, Her Father, + President of the R. I. P. Railroad. + +Mr. Jack Hamilton, Her Beau, + President of the Class of 1902. + +Miss Matilda Hoppenhoer, Her Aunt, + Who never graduated, thank Heaven! + +Miss Valeria Reynolds, Her Dearest Friend, + Whom she loves very much. + +_Madam_ Sateene, Her Dressmaker. + +_Madam_ Rantum, Her Elocution Teacher, (late of the Boston School.) + +Professor Grindem, Principal of the High School. + +Mr. Chinese Bulbus, The Florist. + +_Katherine_, The Maid. + + + + +ACT I. + + +(Sitting-room of the DeSmythe home; "confusion worse confounded;" +everything topsy-turvy. Mrs. DeSmythe on couch; Madam Sateene and she +looking over lace samples, of which they have a great number. Madam in +"swell" street costume.) + +_Mrs. De S._ (tossing samples in a heap). There's positively nothing +like it! Nothing anywhere near it! + +_Madam_ No, and nothing that can be used. + +_Mrs. De S._ (snatching a bit of lace from the heap). There! That's a +lover's knot pattern. Why, it-- + +_Madam_ No, that's a sailor's knot. There is a great difference. + +_Mrs. De S._ (vaguely). I don't see it. + +_Madam_ (patiently). You see the loop in this bends down and in this, it +bends--goes up. Every difference in the world, my dear Mrs. De +Smythe. + +_Mrs. De S._ (meekly, but convinced). Wouldn't it do? All bunched up? + +_Madam_ But it is not to be bunched up! + +_Mrs. De S._ (with a profound sigh). What can we do? And I threatened +with an attack! + +_Madam_ I don't know! (rises, sits down, then groans). I am at my wit's +end. Let me think. + +_Mrs. De S._ (with an inspiration). Take the lace off! + +_Madam_ (crushingly). My dear Mrs. De Smythe, the gown is modelled for +lace. + +_Mrs. De S._ (helplessly). Oh! + +(Madam sits in brown study, tapping her forehead.) + +_Madam_ Let me see; Wednesday morning. (looks at watch). Ten o'clock. It +might be done. Practically two days. (sits staring at wall). No, it +couldn't! We might use chiffon. + +_Mrs. De S._ Maude hates chiffon. + +_Madam_ (with professional coldness). Chiffon is a very artistic +trimming. + +_Mrs. De S._ (wearily). It may be--it may be, but you know Maude. + +(Enter Miss Hoppenhoer.) + +_Miss H._ (looks around; sniffs at the untidiness). Jennie, you look +ready to faint! + +_Mrs. De S._ Sit down. Don't stand there like--a--wooden Indian! + +_Miss H._ They don't keel over every few minutes, anyhow! (sits with a +thud). You look ready to faint! + +_Mrs. De S._ I feel ready to faint; the lace has given out. + +_Miss H._ (picking up things). The lace--? + +_Mrs. De S._ (with infinite patience). The lace, you know, for Maude's +dress. + +_Miss H._ (blankly). Eh--what dress? + +_Madam_ (in polite surprise). Why, Miss Hoppenhoer, what dress? + +_Mrs. De S._ (shrilly). What dress,--oh, Matilda! + +_Miss H._ (commencing to "straighten" room in earnest). Oh, is that all? +I thought the President had been assassinated! + +_Mrs. De S._ Matilda! I must say you don't seem much interested. I +should think you would,--your own niece, too! + +_Miss H._ (tragically). Look at this room,--look at this room! It is a +disgrace to a Christian community! Think of the breakfast we had--or +rather, that we didn't have! And yesterday! And now you down +sick--down sick! Does it take a month to graduate? (dusts an +upholstered chair vigorously). It's such (bang) such non-(bang) +nonsense! + +_Mrs. De S._ Nonsense to graduate! Matilda Hoppenhoer! Do stop +thrashing about! Ugh, that dust! (coughs weakly). Katherine will do +that. + +_Miss H._ (pounding sofa cushions). Katherine is busy; she has ten miles +of flutin' to flute! + +_Mrs. De S._ (coughing). Well, stop, anyway! My nerves are bad today. + +_Miss H._ You are worn out. We're all as cross as bears! + +_Madam_ (emerging from a brown study). What shall I do? And only a yard +needed! I think chiffon-- + +_Miss H._ (straightening out a rug). Use ribbon. + +_Madam_ (with dignity). They used ribbon last year. + +_Miss H._ Fringe, then,--fringe is very dressy. + +_Madam_ They used fringe two years ago. + +_Miss H._ (snapping her up). Well, what's the idea? To use something +that hasn't never been used? + +(Maude comes in, breathless.) + +_Maude_ (sitting down hard). Goodness, I'm tired! Auntie, your grammar +is bad--very bad. What are you doing? + +_Miss H._ (sarcastically). Getting you ready to graduate. + +_Maude_ (peeling off her gloves). Well sir, I've just been racing +around! O, Valeria's going to have chiffon. + +_Madam_ (dramatically). Chiffon! + +_Maude_ (tossing her hat on the floor). Yes, and it's awfully pretty. + +_Madam_ Chiffon! Is she? (Sits, from sheer weakness.) + +_Maude_ (beginning to undo sundry packages). Yes, and--why, what's the +matter? + +_Madam_ (gasping). Chiffon! + +_Maude_ (a light dawning). Am I? Am I? + +_Miss H._ (winding yarn into a ball). Am you what? Sit down, child, sit +down, you look like a statute! + +_Maude_ Am I to have chiffon? + +_Mrs. De S._ (firmly). You are. + +_Maude_ We can't both have chiffon! I won't be a copy-tale! I won't! + +_Mrs. De S._ (sitting erect and speaking with authority). Listen, +dearie. The lace has given out. + +_Maude_ (stamping her foot). Get more! + +_Mrs. De S._ We can't. + +_Madam_ And the gown is so modelled that we can use nothing else. + +_Maude_ I won't have chiffon! I won't--I won't--I won't. + +_Mrs. De S._ (warningly). Do not let Madame Sateene see you in a +passion. + +_Maude_ Madam would be in a passion herself! She knows how I feel! O +dear! (begins to sob). Everything is going wrong! I w-w-won't +graduate, so there now! + +_Miss H._ (mounting a chair to straighten a picture). That's sensible! +You needn't. I never did. + +_Mrs. De S._ Matilda, do not encourage the child! Of course she must +graduate. Everybody does. + +_Miss H._ (sarcastically). If everybody stood on their heads, I suppose +we'd have to! + +_Mrs. De S._ You cannot judge in such matters, Matilda. You are very +old-fashioned. + +_Miss H._ (upsetting contents of work basket in lap). Maybe so, maybe +so, but I am alive, and that child'll be dead if-- + +_Mrs. De S._ (holds her head). Matilda, for heaven's sake, stop! + +_Maude_ I'll telephone Valeria. May be she-- + +_Mrs. De S._ (with decision). Maude, sit down! You will do nothing of +the sort. Mrs. Reynolds is such a talker! The whole town would know it +in ten minutes. Besides, at the Tuesday Club she cut me--actually +cut me! I will not permit it. + +_Maude_ I don't think that ought to count, now. I suppose I have to have +something to wear. + +_Madam_ What do you say to a Paris muslin? + +_Maude_ (listlessly). What is a Paris muslin? + +_Madam_ A sort of fine organdie. + +_Maude_ Swell? + +_Mrs. De S._ Maudie! Would Madam Sateene propose anything else? She +doesn't want you to look like a fright. Now, I think,--(pauses, +listening). Why there is papa's voice! + +_Maude_ Papa, bless his old bones! Papa, come in here, quick! Hurry up! + +(Mr. De Smythe comes in hastily.) + +_Mr. De S._ What is it--what is it? Is Mamma worse? + +_Maude_ (in tragic attitude). I can't graduate! + +_Mr. De S._ (with profound astonishment). Can't graduate? Can't +graduate? Didn't you pass? + +_Maude_ (scornfully). Pass! That doesn't matter! My dress, my dress, my +dress! + +_Mr. De S._ (immensely relieved). Oh, your dress! Isn't it fine enough? + +_Madam_ Why, you see, Mr. De Smythe, the-- + +_Maude_ (sobbing and clinging to his neck). I got to have chiffon, ugly, +limp, old chiffon! It is so--so--d--drabbled! + +_Mr. De S._ Well, never mind! Hus-s-h! You'll make Mamma worse. You +needn't graduate! Never mind. + +_Maude_ Oh, oh! + +_Mr. De S._ Never mind, little girl, you needn't graduate! Never mind! + +_Maude_ Oh, I--I must. The presents are coming in. + +_Miss H._ (shortly). Return 'em. + +_Maude_ You wouldn't, if they were yours! You know you wouldn't! Oh, +you're all so mean! + +_Madam_ (soothingly). Let's have Paris muslin. It'll be lovely. + +_Mrs. De S._ It's too stiff. + +_Miss H._ And sounds too furrin! Haven't we got any American muslin? I'd +rather wear gunny sack. + +_Mr. De S._ Hurrah for Matilda! A female Patrick Henry! + +_Mrs. De S._ Papa, don't speak so loud! + +_Mr. De S._ (contritely). I beg your pardon, Mamma,--your poor head! + +_Maude_ I want something pretty! Not--not just--just any old thing! + +_Madam_ (with awful dignity). Paris muslin is beautiful. + +_Maude_ The other girls have silk. + +_Mr. De S._ Then you must have silk, too,--decidedly. Mustn't she, +Mamma? + +_Mrs. De S._ (sighing). I do not know, Papa, I do not know. This is a +dreadful time,--a dreadful time. I fear I shall not live to see her +graduate! (sighs dismally). But you will all enjoy it. Matilda, will +you heat the salt bags? + +(Miss Hoppenhoer bounces out.) + +_Maude_ (flies to couch). O, you precious, precious Mamma! Don't you +dare get sick and die! + +(Katherine opens the door.) + +_Katherine_ Miss Reynolds and Mr. Hamilton. + +_Maude_ Hello, Valeria, how you vas? Jack, did you get 'em? + +_Jack_ (bows to ladies, shakes hands with Mr. De Smythe). Couldn't +_Maude_, nothing but red. + +_Maude_ Red! I can't wear red! Madam Sateene, can I? + +_Madam_ (after due deliberation). Yes, you can. You will need a touch +of color. + +_Valeria_ Why don't you carry pink ones? + +_Jack_ Pink roses are lovely. You carried pink ones at the Junior +Banquet, didn't you, Val? + +_Valeria_ (thoughtfully). Did I? Yes, I did! Bridesmaid, I think they +were. + +_Maude_ I hate pink roses! + +_Mrs. De S._ Maudie, Maudie, do not be so vehement! + +_Mr. De S._ Never mind about the roses. They are a side issue. The +question is, "Wherewithal shall you be clothed!" I must be off to earn +your daily cake. Let's decide. + +_Maude_ (pensively). Jack, do you like Paris muslin? + +_Jack_ Is it anything like Plaster of Paris? + +_Maude_ Jack, behave! I am so worried! (signs of tears.) + +_Valeria_ She's just tired, poor dear; don't tease her, Jack. + +_Maude_ (with dignity). I am not tired. He can't tease me, thank you, +_Valeria_. I think, Madam, I will have Paris muslin. Silk is so common. + +_Jack_ Why don't you have bobinet? + +_Valeria_ Why, Jack, bobinet is-- + +_Jack_ I know what bobinet is; heavy and kind of corded,--dead swell. + +_Maude_ That's pique! + +_Mr. De S._ Well, children, defer that discussion until the Fourth of +July. Is there time for a whole new rig? + +_Madam_ Y-e-s,--I think so. + +_Mr. De S._ Cheer up, everybody! We'll have the prettiest frock in the +outfit, if it breaks the R.I.P. Railroad! We are the people! I must go +hunt those papers--things are stirred up so! Good-bye, Mamma, don't +worry! Madam Sateene will save us! (goes). + +_Madam_ (rising with alacrity). I shall go look at Paris muslins. +Shall I bring you samples? + +_Mrs. De S._ No, I am not able to decide. We trust to you absolutely, +_Madam_ Sateene, absolutely. (groans). I believe I am going to have an +attack! Oh, dear, my nerves! They actually twitch! I wish Matilda were +of some use in such matters. Because she never graduated, she thinks +_Maude_ shouldn't! Jack, do you see my smelling salts? + +(Jack hunts for the salts. Girls talk apart. Madam makes memoranda.) + +_Madam_ Miss Maude, how would you like ribbon, very narrow satin ribbon? + +_Maude_ Kate Saunders had that in--let me see,--oh, in 1900. + +_Valeria_ And that French Girl,--Giggre--wore it last year. + +_Madam_ O dear! (grimly). Anybody ever use rope? + +_Jack_ (grinning). Only men--for neck-ties mostly. I can't find it, Mrs. +De Smythe. + +_Mrs. De S._ Then Matilda has put it in the medicine chest. She is so +neat! I can't help it--I don't want to have an attack! What shall I +do? But I am afraid I--I am going to have one! + +_Maude_ (with signs of tears). O, Mamma, don't have an attack! What +shall I do? No roses, no dress, no nothing! + +_Madam_ (resolutely). Well, you shall have a dress, about noon, to give +you (with a tragic sweep of hand) if it is my last effort! Mrs. De +Smythe, I'll drop in and report! (Goes hastily.) + +_Valeria_ I must go. I stopped for a list of my committee. + +_Maude_ (absently). Don't go. What committee? + +_Valeria_ Committee on Decorations. + +_Maude_ (vaguely). Committee on--? + +_Valeria_ Decorations. Wake up! + +_Maude_ (goes to desk). O yes! (rummages). This desk is disgraceful! +Here it is! (Reads crumpled paper.) "Be it resolved--" goodness, +that's about poor Ned Woodruff! Jack, who was on that committee? + +_Jack_ (smoothing Valeria's gloves on his knee). Miss Secretary, I do +not keep the minutes. + +_Maude_ Well, you were presiding! (rummaging). Here it is,--six,--is +that enough? Five, rather,--Hal Taylor won't serve. + +_Valeria_ (taking the list). O yes, he will. + +_Maude_ Said he wouldn't! Told Mabel Hopeland so last night. + +_Valeria_ (calmly). Yes, he will. + +_Maude_ Well, he said he wouldn't. + +_Valeria_ (pocketing the list, unmoved). He will if I ask him. + +_Maude_ (shutting desk with a bang). Oh! + +(Enter Miss Hoppenhoer, with shawls, salt bags, etc.) + +_Miss H._ Jennie, you'd better go to bed. + +_Mrs. De S._ (sadly). I will. I hope I shall not have an attack. + +_Miss H._ Attack! We'll all have an attack before Friday night! (She +busies herself about the couch. Valeria and Maude go out.) + +_Miss H._ Now, can you walk, do you think? I'd better call Katherine, +hadn't I? Katherine! Be careful of that bag--it's hot--awful hot! Lean +on me--(they go out, but Miss Hoppenhoer runs back to pick up things). + +_Jack_ Can't I help you! A fellow never knows what to do +when--when--anybody has an attack. + +(Maude returns.) + +_Jack_ Come on, Maude, I've got an old tandem out there. Let's take a +spin. + +_Miss H._ (dropping a shawl and two bottles). Got a what? + +_Jack_ Go get ready, Maude. A tandem. + +(Maude goes.) + +_Miss H._ (moveless with astonishment). You ride it? + +_Jack_ (respectfully). Yes, ma'am. + +_Miss H._ (aghast). Ride it? + +_Jack_ (fascinated). Yessum. (earnestly). Yes, ma'am. + +_Miss H._ Ride a tantrum! Well, such goings on! And all of it comes from +graduating! Thank Heaven, I never graduated! + +(Commences to pick up things. Curtain.) + + + + +ACT II. + + +(Sitting-room of the De Smythe home. Bouquets with cards attached. +Maude's desk, open, in confusion. Her hat and gloves on a chair. Jack, +Miss Rantum and Maude, latter "practicing.") + +_Miss R._ (decidedly). It is best to hold it in one hand. + +_Jack_ (surprised beyond measure). Oh, are you going to read it? + +_Maude_ (standing in the middle of the room). W-e-l-l, not exactly read +it, you know. + +_Maude_ I really know it--almost. + +_Jack_ Then don't hold the paper. + +_Maude_ (apprehensively). Oh, but if I should forget! + +_Jack_ (confidently). You won't! + +_Maude_ I might! Oh, it's very easy for you to say orate, for you can! + +_Jack_ (conscious of ability). Yes, but you could, too. + +_Miss R._ What is the subject of your oration, Mr. Hamilton? + +_Jack_ (modestly). "Universality in Statecraft." + +_Maude_ And it's a dandy! You ought to hear him when he comes to, "For +of all the nations, builded of power and sealed with blood--" (in +tremendous tones). + +_Jack_ Oh, now, Maude, I say, let up. + +_Maude_ Well, honest, you are fine. No I should die if I forgot,--just +simply die. + +_Miss R._ It is wiser for her to hold her manuscript, I think. This is +an essay, not an oration. + +_Maude_ (sitting down and getting up, a la Delsarte). Of course, Jack, +don't you see? It is an essay, not an oration. Now, did I get up +right? + +_Miss R._ Try it again. + +_Maude_ (repeats the operation and advances very stiffly). Is that it? + +_Jack_ (judicially). Too corky. + +_Miss R._ Be leisurely. Leisure is elegance. And bend more. Try it +again,--so. (illustrates). + +_Maude_ (doing likewise). I do hope I won't drop anything. How was that? + +_Miss R._ (hesitating). A trifle--just a trifle--well, er-stiff. Of all +things, a lady must rise well. + +_Jack_ Yes, not as if she were shot out of a cannon! + +_Maude_ Jack, you keep still! + +_Miss R._ Try it again--so. (illustrates). Bend from the waist. + +(Maude does so amid solemn silence.) + +_Jack_ (graciously). That was better. + +_Miss R._ Now, go on. + +_Maude_ (reading). "Life's Inner Meanings." + +_Miss R._ Louder and more deliberately. "Life's Inner Meanings." + +_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings." + +_Miss R._ Go on, not too fast. Don't hold it so high and bend the body +forward from the waist. + +_Maude_ (in high shrill tones). "As a traveler, among the mighty +mountains, fails to realize the height to which he has climbed--" +(Stops, winded.) + +_Miss R._ Compose yourself, compose yourself! Your voice is--well, +unnatural. + +_Jack_ Yes, it's squeaky. + +_Maude_ (with heat). It isn't! You're awfully mean! I've got to be +heard! + +_Miss R._ Try it again. Use a deeper tone. "As a traveler, among the +mighty mountains, fails to realize the height--" Now, go on. + +_Maude_ (nervously). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains, fails +to realize the height to which he has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty +pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have traveled." O, Miss +Rantum, that isn't right! + +_Miss R._ No, not exactly, not precisely right. You see, you-- + +_Jack_ Why don't you use "journeyed" instead of "traveled"? + +_Maude_ (ignoring him). Miss Rantum, what is the matter with it? I'm not +doing as well as I did last week! + +_Miss R._ No, you really aren't, but-- + +_Jack_ I say, why don't you change-- + +_Maude_ (imploringly). What is the matter, Miss Rantum? + +_Miss R._ It isn't firm. You don't seem to know what you are saying. + +_Maude_ (in grave-yard tones). "As the traveler, among the mighty +mountains, fails to--" + +_Jack_ (ditto). Finally, my beloved brethren-- + +_Miss R._ (hastily). Lighter, but firmly. Use a conversational tone, "As +the traveler, among the mountains;" "It is a very pleasant day," "How +do you do?" See? + +_Maude_ (in light, quivering tones). "As a traveler, among the +mountains--mighty mountains--fails to realize the height to which he +has climbed--has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot +estimate the distance we have traveled." + +_Jack_ "Climbed--climbed." I don't like "climbed" there; wouldn't +"attained" be better? + +_Maude_ Professor Grindem didn't say so. + +_Jack_ "Attained" is a prettier word. + +_Maude_ (earnestly). Do you think so? + +_Miss R._ "Climbed" is better. It is a real traveler and real mountains, +hence "climbed." "Attained" sounds as if it were ideals, you know. + +_Maude_ (sighing profoundly). Yes, I think so, too. Besides, it's too +late to change it now. I'd forget. + +_Jack_ All right! "On with the dance." I'm no judge. + +_Miss R._ Go on with the next paragraph. + +_Maude_ The next isn't a paragraph. + +_Miss R._ (very patiently and gently). Well, go on with the next. + +_Maude_ "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes, its pleasant +walleys--" + +_Miss R._ Valleys. + +_Maude_ "Its pleasant walleys, its--" + +_Miss R._ Valleys. + +_Maude_ (nervously). Let me start over. + +_Miss R._ Well, only use deeper tones. (She sits down.) + +_Maude_ (very slowly). "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes, +its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we cannot +realize the magnitood of the common things about us." + +_Miss R._ "Magnitude," not "tood." + +_Maude_ "The magnitude of the common things about us." + +_Miss R._ Touch "common things" more lightly; "of the common things +about us,"--"common things." + +_Maude_ (takes a sprint). We cannot realize the magnitood--tude--of the +"common--" oh, dear, I can never say it!" + +_Miss R._ Yes, you can. You are doing well,--remarkably well. + +_Maude_ O Miss Rantum! + +_Jack_ You are, honest Injun! It'll be dandy. + +_Miss R._ Please read,--are you tired standing? + +_Maude_ (dismally). No,--I got to get it. + +_Miss R._ Please read that second paragraph--sentence--again. + +_Maude_ (taking a brace). Among life's bright flowers, its rugged +slopes-- + +_Miss R._ R-r-r-rugged slopes. + +_Maude_ Rugged slopes. + +_Miss R._ No, r-r-rugged slopes. Trill your "r." + +_Maude_ (flatly). I can't. + +_Jack_ What's the use? I don't think she need. People only do that on +Decoration Day. "Br-rave, r-rugged heroes," you know. + +(Enter Katherine.) + +_Katherine_ Miss Maude, a letter from you--for you, I mean. (Hands one +in awestruck manner and escapes.) + +_Jack_ That girl is scared to death at anything that looks like writing. +Did you see her? + +_Miss R._ (leaning back in her chair). Is she of foreign extraction? + +_Jack_ No, foreign distraction. + +_Maude_ (falling into a chair and opening letter). From Valeria. She +can't come over this afternoon. She's got to, to--I can't make it out. +(spells slowly). B-a-an, B-a-n-- + +_Jack_ Banana, maybe. She's got to banana. Let me see it, I'm used to +her hand. + +_Maude_ Indeed! (elaborately). Indeed, you are! Maybee this is your +note? + +_Jack_ You needn't get so mad. Let her banana. I don't care! + +_Maude_ (springing up). Neither do I! Take the note! + +(Katherine appears at the door.) + +_Katherine_ (in much trepidation). Perfesser Grindem. + +_Jack_ (pleasantly). All right Katherine, we are perpared! + +(Enter Professor Grindem.) + +_Grindem_ (bows profoundly, repeatedly). Ah, good morning, ladies, good +morning! Mr. Hamilton, ah, good morning! How is the work progressing? + +(Jack shakes hands. Miss Rantum bows distantly.) + +_Maude_ (tearing note into tiny bits). I shall be scared to death. + +_Grindem_ (cordially). Not at all, Miss Maude, ah, not at all! Not at +all! You will feel power,--power is ahem!--power is a great thing--a +great thing. + +_Maude_ (dejectedly). Yes, Professor. + +(Enter Mrs. De Smythe) + +_Grindem_ May I hear the--ah, Mrs. De Smythe, good morning! + +(Mrs. De Smythe adjusts herself on couch.) + +_Mrs. De S._ Yes, Maudie, dear, read it all to us. O Matilda, Matilda, +my salts! Now, Maudie! + +(Miss Hoppenhoer bustles in and takes her station behind couch.) + +_Maude_ (painfully taking "position"). "Life's Inner Meanings." + +_Mrs. De S._ A very pretty subject, I think. + +_Miss H._ (sniffs). A very pretty broad one, I think! + +_Maude_ (impressively). "Life's Inner Meanings." + +_Miss R._ Stand straighter, Miss Maude--so. + +_Jack_ I think that's awkward,--looks as if she were going to cry "Lay +on, Macduff!" + +_Maude_ Why, Jack Hamilton! + +_Mrs. De S._ Jack's only joking. Why don't you go on? + +_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings," (then, very rapidly). "As a traveler +among the mighty mountains, fails to realize the height to which he +has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the +distance we have traveled. Among life's bright flowers, its rugged +slopes, its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we +cannot realize the magnitood--tude--magnitude of the common things +about us." (Stops, breathless.) + +_Miss R._ Don't sway so. Hold the body firm. + +_Mrs. De S._ There's no hurry, child. + +_Jack_ That pace would kill! + +_Miss R._ (to Professor Grindem). Her voice is not deep enough. It lacks +impressiveness. + +_Grindem_ Yes, it lacks power--power, I should say. + +_Maude_ (near tears). I can't get a new voice for this old essay! + +_Miss H._ Yes, you ought to; you ought to be made over if you're going +to graduate! + +_Mrs. De S._ Do go on; I am very fond of the next part. + +_Maude_ (continues). "We stand upon the brink--" + +_Miss R._ More rapidly there, "We stand upon the brink!" + +_Maude_ (in exact imitation). "We stand upon the brink." + +_Jack_ (ditto). That is, if we don't fall off-- + +_Maude_ Make Jack be still or I--I--can't! + +_Jack_ Beg your pardon, but really, 'a brink,' you know. + +_Maude_ "We stand upon the brink--who can guess what say the dashing +waters beneath? Who can interpret the silence of the eternal stars? We +rest in the walley--valley, who can understand the whispering of the +leaves? Who can read the secrets of the ocean blue? O, deep are the +inner meanings,--deep, deep are the mysteries of nature, infinite are +the suggestions of life!" + +_Grindem_ Too, rapidly, Miss Maude,--too rapidly. Those are grand +sentiments,--give 'em time--give 'em time. + +_Miss R._ There is not enough emotion in the climax: "Deep, deep are the +mysteries of nature!" Read it (in a cellerage tone). "Deep, deep are +the mysteries of nature!" + +_Maude_ (using the "vox humana stop"). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of +nature!" + +_Mrs. De S._ (soothingly). You are not doing so well, Maudie, today. + +_Miss H._ No, I think you get worse. + +_Maude_ Nobody c-could! You all find fault. (weeps). You couldn't do any +better--none of you--so there now! + +_Miss H._ Never mind! It doesn't matter. Don't graduate. + +_Maude_ (still weeping). It does matter! It d-does! I don't want to +disgrace the family. + +_Miss H._ Ought to have commenced sooner, then, if you didn't! + +_Voice from without._ Who's going to disgrace the family? I'd like to +see 'em try it. + +(As Mr. De Smythe appears, Professor Grindem and Jack go out, in deep +converse.) + +_Maude_ I am! + +_Mr. De S._ Oh, no, you're not,--not by the R.I.P. Railroad! +(cheerfully). You won't be permitted to, Miss! Doesn't the dress fit? + +_Maude_ (with intense scorn). The dress! Oh, Papa, my piece! + +_Mr. De S._ O, you're piece! Say it to me! I haven't heard it today. + +_Maude_ You're making fun of me! + +_Miss H._ The child is worn out. + +_Maude_ I am not worn out! I am not a baby! (collapses). I wish I was +d-d-dead! + +_Mrs. De S._ O dear! O dear! Maudie, child! + +_Maude_ I just w-wish I was. + +_Mr. De S._ W-h-y-ee! When I have brought you your present! I am +astonished! + +_Maude_ Have you? Oh, Papa, have you? Let me see! + +_Mr. De S._ (taking out of his pocket a tiny case). No more tears? + +_Maude_ (rubbing eyes hard). No--never. + +_Mr. De S._ Honest? I've never seen so many tears. We are a Johnstown +flood lately. (Gives jeweler's case.) + +_Maude_ A watch! A w-a-t-c-h!! (flies at him). + +(Re-enter Jack and Mr. Bulbus.) + +_Mr. Bulbus._ (bows awkwardly). I come to see about them decorations. + +_Maude_ (rapturously). A watch! + +_Mr. De S._ Guess we don't need 'em, Mr. Bulbus. There is something +going on at the school that night. + +_Maude_ I was afraid it would be books. (She and Jack examine the watch +aside.) + +_Mrs. De S._ We might have a reception. + +_Miss H._ Jennie, you'll be sick! Mark my words, you'll have an attack! + +_Mrs. De S._ But it's so nearly over-- + +_Mr. De S._ Ought we to have one? Does everybody? + +_Miss H._ (sarcastically). Does everybody have what? Have an attack? + +_Mr. De S._ (patiently). A reception. + +_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do, isn't it, Miss Rantum? + +_Miss R._ (looks up from Maude's MS., which she has been studying). I +beg your pardon, Mrs. De Smythe? + +_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do--to have a reception, isn't it? + +_Miss R._ They always do in Boston. + +_Maude_ Do what in Boston? + +_Miss R._ They have receptions. (with great dignity). + +_Jack_ And Beans. + +(Miss Rantum straightens up to retort, but Mr. De Smythe cuts in.) + +_Mr. De S._ And here is Mr. Bulbus waiting! He is a business man, you +know. When do you want him, Jennie? + +_Mr. B._ (confusedly). Yes, sir. + +_Maude_ (sweetly). You'd just as soon wait, wouldn't you, Mr. Bulbus? + +_Mr. B._ (blushing, drops hat). Yes, I-d--I'd--I'd rather. + +_Mrs. De S._ We must decide while Mr. Bulbus is here, so we can get his +suggestions. + +_Mr. B._ (standing like a stork). Yes'sum. + +_Miss R._ (preparing to depart). Well, Miss Maude, I think we will not +need another rehearsal. + +_Maude_ Oh, Miss Rantum, do you think I can do it all right? + +_Miss R._ Yes, I think so. You must rest this evening. + +_Maude_ The Juniors are to give us a spread. + +_Miss R._ (definitely). But you must not go. Mr. De Smythe, may I speak +to you? + +_Mr. De S._ Go on with your reception business. Mr. Bulbus hasn't all +day. (Goes out with Miss Rantum.) + +_Mr. B._ (changes weight to other foot). Yes, sir. + +_Mrs. De S._ Won't you be seated, Mr. Bulbus? + +_Mr. B._ (sits on edge of small chair). Yessum, thank yer. + +_Maude_ Let's have just the graduating class. + +_Jack_ No, I'm dead tired of the push! Let's have a picked +crowd,--friends of "the highly contracting parties," you know. + +_Mrs. De S._ We ought to have your professors. + +_Maude_ We'd have to invite Grindem, and he's so awfully-- + +_Mrs. De S._ Professor Grindem is a very delightful gentleman, Maudie! + +_Jack_ (in imitation). Yes, ahem, he has--power--ahem,--power is--power +is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing! + +_Mrs. De S._ Well, as to the decorations. + +_Maude_ Smilax from the chandelier-- + +_Jack_ Don't let's have any smilax. It's too much like funerals. + +(Mr. De Smythe returns.) + +_Mr. De S._ Well, Mr. Bulbus, have they decided? + +_Mrs. De S._ No, Papa, we can't decide who to have. + +_Mrs. De S._ Let that slide now, and go into a committee of the whole on +decorations. + +_Maude_ Let's--but I don't want the faculty. + +_Jack_ You'd like to have Professor Graham. All girls are gone on him. + +_Mrs. De S._ We needn't order cut flowers. All of Maudie's--(stops to +cough). + +_Miss H._ (throws down her darning). Jennie, you'll have an attack! I +won't be no committee! I won't encourage this nonsense. Education is +all right; everybody needs a little,--enough to make an honest livin'. +But look at your mother, look at your father! They're plumb wore out +settin' up nights to get you graduated! In my day when girls got +through school they quit, they didn't go to Commencin' and carrin' on! +I won't be no committee of the whole nor no other kind. When you're +all dead nobody can blame me! (walks out, sniffing disdainfully). + +_Mrs. De S._ (rising hastily). Oh, dear, now she'll go sweep every room +in the house! (goes out in haste). + +_Maude_ (springs up). Mamma mustn't wear herself out. It would be all +right if Auntie had graduated. (goes in haste). + +_Mr. De S._ (gazing helplessly after them all). Matilda's Declaration of +Independence! (seating himself resignedly). Draw up your chairs, +gentlemen. We'll have to 'wait til the clouds roll by'. + +(Curtain falls on the three men looking at each other silently.) + + + + +ACT III. + + +(Hallway of the DeSmythe house. Flowers on extra tables, cards +attached. Door bell in vestibule rings constantly; flowers and +packages arriving. Maude's picture hat, gloves and fan on chair. Mr. +Bulbus on ladder, measuring the wall. Katherine enters and re-enters, +with flowers and gifts. Miss Hoppenhoer flits in and out. Everybody +nervous.) + +_Katherine_ The bill's been a-ringin' all morning like that. (arranges +flowers). + +_Mr. B._ I should think you'd be tired. Ain't yer? + +_Katherine_ No, it's as exciting as a wedding. + +_Mr. B._ You wimmen like weddin's. I never see a woman as didn't. + +_Katherine_ (wonderingly). Are you going to decorate the hall? + +_Mr. B._ (largely). Of course,--palms and ropes of smilax-- + +(Enter Jack, carrying his hat and gloves.) + +_Jack_ (agreeably). Good morning, Katherine. I let myself in, you not +being a regiment. (Katherine goes). Good morning, Mr. Bulbus. You look +pretty festive in here. (examines bouquets, reading cards aloud and +commenting). "Compliments of Harold Taylor."--Umph, got them here in +time, I should say. "With love of Edith."--girls always put on "with +love of." "Wishing you a joyous day. Dick Dowell." That's nice of +Dick, considering the late unpleasantness. "Lucile," of course; +"Lucile" in white and gold! A girl couldn't graduate unless she had +three 'Luciles' and a 'Maurine!' Golden Gate roses! Whew, that means +dough! Professor Graham, I'll bet! He's got dough and cheek-- + +(Maude runs down the stairs.) + +_Jack_ O, hello, Maude! (gives a long whistle). Aren't we fine? Swagger! + +_Maude_ (imploringly). Jack, how do I look? + +_Jack_ Turn around,--slowly. (Maude revolves very slowly.) + +_Maude_ (anxiously). Well? + +_Jack_ You look--you look--out of sight! By George, you do! + +_Maude_ (caressing her dress skirt). You like the train? + +(Mr. Bulbus gets down and goes out, unnoticed by Maude.) + +_Jack_ It's splendid. You're a--a queen! I'd kiss you-- + +_Maude_ (startled). H-u-s-h! Mr. Bulbus! + +_Jack_ (coolly). Oh, he's gone. + +_Maude_ Goodness, what if he'd been there! + +_Jack_ (comfortably). He wasn't. + +_Maude_ (trying to see the back of her train in glass). But you didn't +know it! + +_Jack_ Don't you think I didn't know it! 'Spose I want to make the +poor duffer green with envy? I can't kiss you anyway, you're too fine. + +_Maude_ No, I can't even sit down! Jack, you look awfully handsome. + +_Jack_ Thank you. Would you wear a rose? + +_Maude_ Of course--one of Dick's. Nice of Dick, wasn't it? (gets one; +puts it on; an operation requiring time and patience). + +_Jack_ Don't leave so much green show. I want a contrast, not a study in +tints. + +_Maude_ Don't touch me! Hold your arms out straight. + +_Jack_ (standing like a sign post). Then hurry up! I am not the stuff +martyrs are made of. + +_Maude_ Is that all right? + +_Jack_ Stand off and get the effect. How can I tell? + +_Maude_ (standing back). Put down your arms! + +_Jack_ (obediently). Well? + +_Maude_ (with enthusiasm). Perfectly lovely! My, I shall be proud of +you! For pity's sake, don't look at me! + +_Jack_ Can't help it. + +_Maude_ I don't mean now--goosey! I mean when I read. If I should +forget! + +_Jack_ You won't! Keep your eye on Old South Church and-- + +_Maude_ On what? + +_Jack_ I beg your pardon. On Miss Rantum. + +_Maude_ Oh! It must be time,--where is everybody? + +_Jack_ I'm here, (sits on arm of chair and gazes at her.) + +_Maude_ O you, yes! But I mean mamma! I am so nervous! + +_Jack_ You girls just try to be nervous. You think it's becoming. + +(Enter Mrs. De Smythe, in black silk.) + +_Mrs. De S._ The carriages have come. Where can Papa be? + +_Maude_ (in dismay). O, it isn't time, is it? O horrors, where is my +essay? Jack, please look in my desk. + +(Jack dashes out.) + +_Maude_ Mamma, is my hair all right? + +_Mrs. De S._ Yes, Maudie, yes, (dismally) you look lovely. + +(Jack dashes in, essay in hand.) + +_Jack_ Here it is, but don't practice now. + +_Maude_ (pacing the floor). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains, +fails to realize--to realize the heights to which he has climbed, so +we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have--we +have,--cannot estimate the distance we have--" There, I knew I didn't +know it! What shall I do? + +_Jack_ (brilliantly). Open your manuscript. + +(Katherine enters, with letters and small package.) + +_Maude_ (unseeing, resumes). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of nature, +infinite are--are--" + +_Mrs. De S._ Maudie, here is a letter from Uncle John. (withholds +package). + +_Maude_ (drops essay). O, I wonder what he sent! Is this all! + +_Mrs. De S._ Why, Maudie! Read it. + +_Maude_ (tears it open; reads). "My dearest Niece: Hail to the happy +day! 'Way down here in South Africa, 'mong monkeys and Boers, I feel +the excitement. We don't graduate down here, but we know people who +do. Never, I know, has the house of De Smythe been so shaken. In honor +thereof, I am sending a--a--" O, goodness, I can't--"a diamond +ring,"--a diamond! Hasn't it come? + +_Mrs. De S._ Does he say when? + +_Maude_ (referring to the letter). He says "I am sending--" Katherine +is such a stupy! (calls). Katherine-- + +_Mrs. De S._ Maybe this is it. (gives package). + +(Katherine comes with pink roses.) + +_Maude_ O, O. O.! Isn't it a beauty! Jack, look! + +_Jack_ (just glancing). Umph! Yes, I see. + +_Maude_ Dear Uncle John! Everybody is so good! It's bigger than +_Valeria_'s. Must I wear gloves? I don't care, I just won't. + +_Mrs. De S._ Your roses, Maudie. + +_Maude_ O, your roses, Jack! They're lovely! + +_Jack_ (slowly). The red weren't pretty, so I got pink. I hope you'll-- + +_Maude_ (rapturously). I just love pink roses! + +(Katherine comes in with a big package.) + +_Maude_ (tearing away pink ribbons and tissue papers). "With Valeria's +dearest love." A bonbon dish! Isn't it lovely! And violets on it! + +_Jack_ (with a grimace). It will hold two pounds! + +_Maude_ It isn't a bit too big! If you won't fill it--well, there are +others. I'm forgetting my piece. "Deep, deep are the mysteries--" + +_Jack_ Are you going to say it? + +_Maude_ No, but I must really know it, you know, so I can look up often. + +_Jack_ "O, I see clearly," said the blind man. + +_Mrs. De S._ Dear, dear, this is just as if you were getting married! +(sinks into a chair; she has been examining the flowers). The presents +and the flowers and the carriages and--and everything. O, suppose you +were--suppose you were! + +_Maude_ (with intense indignation). But I'm not! I'm graduating! + +_Jack_ (disconsolately). I don't think they're much alike! + +_Mrs. De S. But where is Papa? + +_Jack_ As I came, I saw him at the drug store. + +_Mrs. De S._ The drug store! Why in the world--oh, I remember now,--I +sent him. We'll never get off. + +(Miss Hoppenhoer's voice is heard from somewhere, "O Jennie!") + +_Mrs. De S._ (rising and collecting things dropped). I wonder what's +happened now? I hope Papa isn't killed! (hurries out). + +_Maude_ (gazing at her ring). Aren't my presents pretty? + +_Jack_ Yes, but you are prettier. + +_Maude_ (archly). Thank you, Mr. Hamilton, but aren't you a little rash? +(holds roses to her face by way of contrast.) + +_Jack_ (critically). No, I think not, on mature consideration. Your hair +looks like gold--California gold, and those lovely lilies! Who gave +you those lilies-of-the-valley? (suddenly). + +_Maude_ (evasively). Why California gold? + +_Jack_ O, it's redder, and then, it is a native product. You'd be mad if +I said antique gold. + +_Maude_ But do you like antique gold better? + +_Jack_ That isn't the point. Who gave you those lilies? + +_Maude_ Aren't they dear? + +_Jack_ (cruelly). Don't know,--didn't buy 'em. Whose tribute are they? + +_Maude_ "Tribute" sounds like a funeral. + +_Jack_ (with awful meaning). There may be a funeral. Whose are they? + +_Maude_ (demurely). Mine. + +_Jack_ (with infinite patience). You know what I mean, (with terrible +calmness). Who gave you those? + +_Maude_ (preparing to cry). You're awfully cross, I think. + +(Mr. Bulbus enters in rear hunting something. Maude sees him.) + +_Jack_ (unmoved). Who gave you those? + +_Maude_ (graciously, sweetly). Mr. Bulbus, the lilies are lovely. + +_Mr. B._ (surprised into dropping a hammer). Yes'sum, I'm glad you--you +like 'em. (retreats in confusion.) + +_Jack_ Oh! (slowly). That's awfully nice of you. + +(Enter Mrs. De Smythe and Miss Hoppenhoer, bonnets and gloves on.) + +_Mrs. De S._ Where is your father? It's time to go. + +_Jack_ Past time. Grindem said to be there at 9:30. + +_Mrs. De S._ What shall we do? I knew he would be late! I hope I shall +not have an attack! + +_Miss H._ (grimly). No, I hope not--in that dress! + +_Mrs. De S._ As if one's dress made any difference with an attack! O, +there he is! Well, Papa, you--good morning, Madam. + +(Mr. De Smythe and Madam Sateene come in together.) + +_Mr. De S._ My, how fine we look! + +_Maude_ Madam Sateene, this shoulder--wrinkles. + +_Madam_ Let me see. (Madam and Maude consult apart.) + +_Mrs. De S._ We ought to go. + +_Mr. De S._ Miss Rantum hasn't come. + +_Jack_ (looking up from his own Ms.) O, I forgot! Miss Baked Beans will +meet us there. She couldn't come here. + +_Maude_ She promised she would! + +_Mr. De S._ All ready. How many of these do we take? (indicating +flowers). Need a dray? + +_Maude_ Only Jack's--and I carry them. Jack, you carry my essay and +fan. (puts on hat). Is it straight? Where are my roses? + +(Miss Hoppenhoer gives Mr. De Smythe two shawls and he goes.) + +_Madam_ (anxiously). Wait one moment. (adjusts Maude's train). Now. + +_Miss H._ Have you any lemon drops? + +_Maude_ Of course not,--nobody carries lemon drops! Where is my +handkerchief! + +_Jack_ (sheepishly, taking it out of his vest). Here it is. + +_Mr. De S._ (from door). Come on, you people. + +_Mrs. De S._ O dear, dear, I shall never stand it. + +_Miss H._ (collecting salts and fans). We're coming. + +_Mrs. De S._ O dear,--kiss me, Maudie. (sits down exhausted). It's just +like a wedding! I can't stand it! Some day you'll be getting married! + +(Mr. Bulbus enters in the rear and just stands.) + +_Jack_ (cheerfully). I hope so. + +_Maude_ (arranging train to carry it gracefully). Poor Mamma! + +_Mr. De S._ (from outside). Come on! Matilda, bring Mamma! + +_Mrs. De S._ O, O, O! + +_Maude_ Brace up, Mamma, you must. + +_Mrs. De S._ (to her handkerchief). And only yesterday she was a baby! + +_Miss H._ (snappishly.) And only day before yesterday you were! + +_Mrs. De S._ (from outside). Come on--we must go. + +_Chorus_ We're coming! (All start, collecting fans, handkerchiefs, and +gathering up trains, adjusting bonnets anew, etc.) + +_Maude_ (as they rush for the door). O, look out for my flowers! +Jack, got my piece? I know I shall forget! What if we're late? +Good-bye, Mr. Bulbus! (all go). + +(Curtain drops on Mr. Bulbus, gazing after Maude in a sort of trance.) + + + + +EPILOGUE. + + +(A Wednesday morning in May, 1905. Mr. and Mrs. Jack Hamilton at +breakfast. He reading a paper, totally absorbed. She opening her +letters; there are two by her plate.) + +_Maude_ (reading letter and talking to herself). Well, Well! (reading). +I am not angry--not in the least. You dear old girl! (drops letter and +meditates). You dear old girl! (resumes reading). I know better,--you +wouldn't! (reads about a page without comment, then) W-h-y! Why! O +goodness gracious! Jack! + +(Jack looks over top of paper absently, then resumes reading.) + +_Maude_ (explosively). Jack, what do you think? Only fancy--Valeria +is--Jack, listen! Put down your horrid paper! Valeria is married. + +(He looks at her vacantly.) + +_Jack_ Well? + +_Maude_ Well? Listen: Valeria is married. + +_Jack_ (waking to the situation). Is that so! Valeria--well, well. I'm +not astonished. + +_Maude_ (pensively). Why not? + +_Jack_ (at a venture). O, because--she is so--so handsome. + +_Maude_ (scornfully). She isn't handsome! Where are your eyes? She's +clever--clever, that's what Valeria is. But not handsome,--certainly +not. She squints. + +_Jack_ (staring). I thought you were so fond of her. + +_Maude_ (with dignity). I am, I am awfully fond of her--I've always +been. But (cuttingly) affection doesn't blind me. I can love her and +see her faults. Nobody ever called Valeria handsome. + +_Jack_ (hunting his place on the page). Maybe it was stunning. + +_Maude_ (with intense emphasis). Stunning! + +_Jack_ (turning the page with a prodigious rattling). Hal used to rave +over her. + +_Maude_ O! Hal, he--don't rattle your paper so, you make me nervous! Hal +didn't care for her. + +_Jack_ (absently). No, I suppose not, I suppose not. Of course, nobody +could. + +(Silence. Both read.) + +_Maude_ (intent on letter and all to herself). I wonder what she wore! +She is too old for white. (reads aloud). "You'll be surprised, my +dear." Yes, I confess I am. (gazing at coffee urn thoughtfully). Yes, +I am. (resumes reading). Where was I? "I want to tell you first, +dear." Here it is. So she did wear white--now, I am astonished. (reads +on). For pity sakes! Jack + +_Jack_ (starts violently, crushing paper). A man might as well live on +Vesuvius. + +_Maude_ (in great excitement). But, Jack, guess who married her. + +_Jack_ (with calm certainty). The man in the Moon. He's too jolly to +mind squints. + +_Maude_ Just guess. You never can. + +_Jack_ (impatiently, much wrought upon.) Then tell me. + +_Maude_ (in an explosive). Hal! + +_Jack_ (inanely). Hal! + +_Maude_ (calmly, the mine sprung). Hal Taylor. + +_Jack_ Hal Taylor. Well, I am--bobbed! + +_Maude_ I'm not surprised. + +_Jack_ You said Hal didn't care for her. + +_Maude_ (very slowly). He doesn't, Jack. Hal was--roped in. + +_Jack_ (stares, then gives vent to a long whistle of astonishment). +Well, you women! + +_Maude_ Don't talk to me. I am disgusted! + +_Jack_ (ruefully). Well! (He stares, folds napkin, unfolds it and takes +up his newspaper.) + +_Maude_ Don't sit there, just saying "Well" all the time! + +_Jack_ (slowly). Say, what is it to you? + +_Maude_ (sobs a little). She h-has deceived me--basely deceived me. But +I don't care. I shall send her a cut-glass berry dish,--maybe a +Tiffany c-c-cut! (dries her eyes resolutely). Coffee, dear? + +_Jack_ (irritably; a trifle suspicious yet). Yes, don't I always take +coffee? + +_Maude_ (plaintively). Don't scold me. I cannot endure much more. To +think Valeria-- + +_Jack_ (with decision, carving the steak). Don't think, then. Drop it. +What's your other letter? + +_Maude_ (sadly). I don't care--I don't care for anything. (takes a +biscuit). The biscuits are burned. + +_Jack_ No, they are not. Never mind--give the letter to me. + +(Maude gazes pensively at nothing. Jack opens the letter with a fork, +and reads silently.) + +_Jack_ (to himself, muttering). Of course, it's money,--always money. +Only a dollar and fifty cents apiece,--a man ought not growl. Umph! +"The happy old days." Yes, I remember. + +_Maude_ (meekly). Remember what, Jack, dear? (He reads. Silence. She +folds and unfolds Valeria's letter.) + +_Jack_ (suddenly). By George! + +_Maude_ (buttering a biscuit, slowly). What is it? + +_Jack_ By George! + +_Maude_ What is it? A woman might as well live on--on Vesuvius! + +_Jack_ George Graham is in the New York legislature! + +_Maude_ Professor George De Witt Graham! + +_Jack_ (reading while he speaks). The same, my dear. We're to banquet +him; it seems he's made a big speech. + +_Maude_ He was very handsome, and nice to us girls. He pulled us all +through chemistry. + +_Jack_ (absently). Yes, he was a good wire puller. And now he's Senator, +Senator in New York. That's great. + +_Maude_ How do you know? Is that from him? + +_Jack_ This is the Alumni Letter. + +_Maude_ Alumni? + +_Jack_ (slowly and elaborately). Yes, my dear, the Alumni +Letter,--Alumni. We graduated in 1902,--possibly you remember the +circumstances. You ought to. + +_Maude_ How long ago it seems,--how long, long ago! + +_Jack_ Thank you. It is. Three years. + +(Silence. He stirs coffee.) + +_Maude_ The lace for my dress gave out,--do you remember? And I wore +Paris muslin and Mamma was sick. + +_Jack_ It was a great day! You remember your Aunt? + +_Maude_ Poor Aunty! I can see her now--so 'fraid I would forget--sitting +on the edge of her chair! And those lemon drops,--I thought I should +faint when Bob brought 'em up! + +_Jack_ Yes, I remember how his shoes squeaked! And Bob would usher! + +_Maude_ Poor Aunty, I hope she is happier now out among the Hottentots. +Aren't they Hottentots? + +_Jack_ (with scholarly precision). Your Aunt, my dear, is in Korea. +Korea is an island just east of-- + +_Maude_ (vaguely). Well aren't the Hottentots there, too? I thought +they were all together over there somewhere,--all fat and dusty +together, with their queer hats like plates,--all praying and +embroidering lovely silks. + +_Jack_ As I was saying, Korea is east of--of Asia. + +_Maude_ (taking another biscuit). Asia was always hard for me. The +rivers had such dreadful names! "1902! 1902! We are the people, who +are you?" What fun we had! Let's go back! + +_Jack_ Haven't time. You write 'em greetings and so on, and enclose +three dollars. I wonder where old Grindem is? + +_Maude_ Old Grindem! You remember his side whiskers? I couldn't bear +that man! He was horrid on Commencement day--wouldn't wait one second! +Not one second! And Valeria, (she sighs heavily). Poor Valeria! + +_Jack_ (cheerfully). You looked mighty pretty that day. You didn't need +any lace. + +(She sighs gently and shakes her head.) + +_Jack_ (with desperate cheerfulness). And your hair was like gold,--and +those lilies-of-the-valley! I remember I went so far as to think of +Solomon. How is it? "Solomon in all his glory--all his glory +was--was--Solomon was"--how is it? + +_Maude_ "Was not arrayed like one of these." + +_Jack_ O yes--"like one of these," of course. "Solomon in all his glory +was not arrayed like one of these." You were a sort of female Solomon. +Not a Mrs. Solomon,--perish the thought! + +_Maude_ (reproachfully). Jack! + +_Jack_ (still cheerfully). Who gave you those lilies? Come on--tell me +now. This is a sort of anniversary when "all things shall be made +clear." Old Bulbus? + +(She braces herself with visible effort.) + +_Jack_ It was awfully hard on me, your just carrying my roses and +putting old Bulbus' lilies in your Solomon hair. + +_Maude_ They weren't B-B-Bulbuses. + +_Jack_ Honest? + +_Maude_ H-honest. + +_Jack_ (gravely). Whose were they? + +(Silence. Maude twists her napkin.) + +_Jack_ (more gravely). Whose were they, Mrs. Hamilton? + +_Maude_ You won't be mad? + +_Jack_ Do I get "mad"? I am not a two-year-old! + +_Maude_ Nor cross? + +_Jack_ Whose lilies were those, I ask! + +_Maude_ (sitting very erect). I am going to tell you! + +_Jack_ (a trifle viciously). See that you do. + +_Maude_ Hal sent those lilies. + +_Jack_ (incredulous). Hal Taylor? + +_Maude_ (with a dead period). Hal Taylor. + +(He gazes at her sternly; she hides her face behind the coffee urn.) + +_Jack_ Therefore, Valeria squints! + +_Maude_ O don't, Jack! + +_Jack_ (severely). The vanity of woman! + +_Maude_ (rising quickly and coming round to his chair). But I have your +roses, Jack, in the box with my dress! And I shall send Valeria a +cut-glass berry-bowl--maybe a Tiffany cut! + +(He pulls her down to him as curtain falls.) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sweet Girl Graduates, by Rea Woodman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES *** + +***** This file should be named 31506.txt or 31506.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/5/0/31506/ + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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